#healing from harm
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returning-to-her · 1 month ago
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As I promised, The Biology of the Divine Female is now ready for viewing. Visit The First Church of Matriarchy at the link above.
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dykedvonte · 3 months ago
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I think depictions of Anya being cruel to Curly or drawing out his suffering are artful and chilling but completely miss the point of the story and her character.
I'm not saying she doesn't deserve to have that "I told you so" moment with him but not in something callous or cold. Even if that is how it happened, she'd immediately feel guilty cause at that point she's not tormenting her tormenter or even the person truly at fault. She's doing something cathartic, similar to how Jimmy likely hits Curly to release rage he can't against the rest of the crew. She'd see herself as no different when she'd come back from the moment and see Curly cowering at her. She wants someone to take responsibility but how does being cruel to the defenseless help? Why would she want the power Jimmy has over her over Curly?
The idea of her extending someone else's pain is just so against the struggles she already faces and how she can't even bring herself to cause someone pain even to help them. Her very desire is to release herself from her own suffering and I doubt she'd even fine some sort of guilty release in being cruel to another.
#anya is not a character i see taking agency or indulging in cathartic behaviors#not knowingly like i see her as a character trapped in her head and maybe in the scenario she's cruel to Curly she is envisioning Jimmy#in his place but its not a story about justice or those deserving of punishment and those not like its the opposite of people projecting#their issues on the wrong people and saying things to the wrong people and doing things they shouldn't but anya uniquely falls out of it as#she is subjected to a lot of it but it is also not something she wants to subject another person to like you are doing what Jimmy does and#placing ur rage into another persons and viewing their actions through your eyes like she'd more likely yell at him than do harm or#cause him more pain like at least make it in character#but also she clearly doesn't want to see jimmy or curly in the same light and doesnt because she still repeatedly goes to Curly for comfort#and protection and god there's like concepts that need to be applied to characters individually and then the story as a whole#we can not view the game through only one themed lens less we forget to inspect the compounding factor of Anya is so much more than girl#that needs to be allowed to go off but a woman that simply wants right to be done by her and no more harm like she doesn't want to be aroun#the suffering like idk but some of yall would just benefit from like understanding that people are inherently grey with the capabilities of#black n white thinking or actions#mouthwashing#mouthwashing game#anya mouthwashing#i like her the most but then again i am defensive of all women in media and hate when people change the way the character would take agency#for themselves like yes I want her to tweak out but she just wouldn't and I like seeing realistic depictions of a woman suffering the way#she is like shes not the type at the end of the movie to have a one liner but feel a shallow freedom cause she needs to realistically heal#idk but its just like there is an obbsession forming with making her character her pain and not how she handles and navigates the issue
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bunnieswithknives · 4 months ago
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Dev this is serious stop beatboxing.
#fop nature au#fop#fairly oddparents#fop a new wish#fairly oddparents a new wish#dev dimmadome#fop dev#dale dimmadome#emetophobia#art#digital art#fanart#comic#Sorry for taking so long on this I was procrastinating bcs its just kinda a context page that needs to exist for other stuff to happen#I love it when they interact like disgruntled roommates#like on one had he SHOT HIM on the other hand whats Dev supposed to do? Go no contact?? Hes ten#This takes place like 2 days after the deer attack#Dale got whisked away to fairy world to get speed healed and had his memory wiped of the whole thing#Devs relationship with his dad is so messy cause like yes his dad hurt him but also thats his dad and he loves him.#even if his dad doesnt love him back#He wants to Want To Hurt his dad. thats the right way to feel about after what he did. and he does feel that way sometimes.#but on some level its was kind of a relief to hear that he couldnt wish harm on people#because even if he could he isnt sure he could go through with it#and there would be nothing worse than having the power to do something and yet. not#sorry if that sounds insane#complicated relationships with your abuser my beloved#also just the quiet acceptance Dev has for (what he thinks is) Peri straight up lying to his face#Dev likes Peri a lot but he is also deeply aware that Peri hides a lot of things from him#I think he appreciates that Peri tries to shield his feelings. His dad doesnt do that#ofc Peri isnt actually lying here I just think the layers of such a small interaction are hilarious
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librarycards · 6 months ago
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do you have any resources or advice on how to help people who have manic episodes or who could possibly harm others according to antipsych principles? my friend diagnosed with bipolar disorder has been looking into checking themself into a hospital, and their home situation isn’t the best though their dad somewhat tries to be supportive, but i wonder what other options there are. the most i can do is offer some emotional support and give advice since i live too far away to be of much help otherwise. sorry if this is the wrong place to ask.
hello, and thanks for your patience on my response - this week has been busy and i'm only just now getting to asks!
here is an excellent piece by Stefanie Lyn Kaufman-Mthimkhulu on providing support for comrades in crisis, many of these tips are very applicable to distance-relationships too! bipolar comrades/others who have manic episodes are also welcome and very encouraged to reply and share what kinds of supports work best for them.
There are also a series of free zines/books by the Fireweed Collective (FKA the Icarus Project), particularly Navigating The Space Between Brilliance And Madness: A Reader & Roadmap Of Bipolar Worlds. This is a great way to learn more about a variety of bipolar experiences to better contextualize your friend's.
here are some tips based on personal experience being close to multiple people with bipolar, while not being bipolar myself:
create balance within yourself + project it - it's tempting to get yourself wrapped up in others' big feelings, especially if they trigger you. but it's crucially important to maintain a (porous!) barrier between you and your friend, both as a way of maintaining your own peace and providing something sturdy for them to lean on. this means taking what they say/do in the midst of crisis and placing it "beside" your own feelings, rather than integrating it and responding viscerally in the moment.
neither "reality checking" nor "reality confirming". this is tricky. it's pointless to tell someone "you're wrong, you can't do that, etc." when they're experiencing a different reality than you. it is also harmful to encourage someone to act on beliefs that are not actually aligned with their values, but instead the result of a state of crisis. i try to use phrases like "that sounds ___," "that must be ____," "i can see how you'd feel ____" and similar, both to affirm their own lived experience and to avoid reifying it as objective truth.
know when to step away. mania is draining for literally everyone involved, and what people do to their loved ones in the midst of a manic episode can be incredibly harmful, even if occurring alongside grand gestures of generosity, productivity, etc. you are not your friend's keeper, and your feelings and well-being matter just as much as theirs. do you both have mutual friends you can tap into to provide support when you're burnt out? these friends might also be able to offer some strategies that you or i haven't thought of. it's important to say that this support shouldn't be constant "did you use substances today" "did you drive recklessly today" other surveillance type stuff. try to maintain a normal rhythm to your conversations, and when something that makes you go ??? comes up, try framing your response as a question. "i'm going to finish writing and editing my novel today and start two new books and apply for this and that grant" - you could say, "that's a ton of stuff. why do you need to do it all today?" this creates space for other possibilities without forcing it.
your friend doesn't need advice right now, they need support! the person who needs advice, i think, is your friend's dad. are you and him directly in touch, and is there any way that you could get in touch with him? since you're online, i don't know the details here; it may work best when your friend is no longer manic and you two can speak frankly about how best to support them. i do suggest making a crisis plan with him/whoever they're close to irl.
I hope this is somewhat helpful!
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ancha-aus · 5 months ago
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RealAgeAU Drabble - Reminiscene
Hello everyone :3
You all know what time it is!! I think... It is time for another Dream drabble :3 @spotaus I know how much you like having dream be put through the ringer :33
First drabble Prev drabble Next drabble
Not much to say this time. You guys ready?
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All things considered? Dream had been doing okay lately.
The worst part was that he wasn't sure if he felt good or bad about it.
At least Core didn't call him every 5 minutes anymore. Seems like the outcode child finally accepted that Dream had changed. That Dream had moved on.
Hah.
If only they knew how little he had actually moved on.
Dream stands in the greyed out forest. Waiting and listening. Not even a slight breeze. No sound.
A dead AU.
He used to blame Nightmare for that, for killing their AU.
Nowadays?
Dream figures it was just the end of their AU.
Dream leans against a tree and sighs. He tries to reach out but no sounds.
On his solo trips and, as Blue liked to call them, self discovery trips. Dream had learned he could speak to trees. Though maybe calling it speaking was a bit generous.
The trees didn't use words. Just sounds and whistles and whispers that could almost have been words. Dream had still been able to understand however. He just had to listen.
Seems like that was a theme for him. He just had to listen to be able to understand.
Even so, he takes a deep breath and leaves the forest and walks towards a familiar hill.
He kept returning here. Dream wants to say he doesn't know why and that it is just his home calling back for him.
He knows the truth.
He stops by the old cut down stump and focusses on the two familiar graves.
Seems like he hadn't been the only one visiting. There are once again fresh flowers. All beautifull yellows and orange coloured this time.
Dream smiles as he sits by the graves and gently touches the flowers. Part of his soul grieves at the two graves, once of which is meant for him. But another part of his soul sings in joy.
Because there is only one monster who could have made these graves and left these flowers.
Dream chuckles as he glances at the stump "Nighty came by... didn't he?"
No answer of course. Nim has died a long time ago. Even so Dream leans back against the stump as he keeps looking at the graves, most of his focus is on his own.
Dream keeps staring at the graves as he speaks "I know you won't answer me... with you being gone.. But... I want to at least think you are listening to me. Just this once."
Nim never listened to him. Neither to Nighty. They just had to listen to her.
Look at where that lead them.
Dream watches over the grey fields and the village in the distance. "Had you already decided near the start? Which one of us you would love and which one you wouldn't?"
No answer but Dream didn't mind. He watches the village in the distance. He can't help but wonder how often Nightmare would have had to do this alone. Keep watch alone.
"Or was it an in the moment decision? Had there been a moment were you held both of us and loved us both? Or had you decided the moment Nightmare formed that you would hate him?"
How often Dream would rush off, ignoring the quiet pleas to stay wiht Nightmare.
"I think you decided from the start. Why else would you give him the name you did? Say the only thing that matters about him is how he was different from me."
Would he have seen those angry people coming? With weapons? Had Nightmare been afraid? Wondering where Dream had been? Why Dream hadn't stopped them?
"It has to be the reason. Why else would you tell me to make friends with the villagers and help them? While telling Nightmare to stay put and send them away? You must have known. Known that by making me help them and by making Nightmare deny them that they would grow angry with him."
How often had Nightmare believed Dream had abandoned him? Only for him to end up mortally injured?
"You don't deserve the grave he made." Not that Dream thinks he truly deserves one himself. Even if he returns each time to see if new flowers are left for him.
Dream once again wonders if he should leave a message for the next time Nighty visits... Just something that he wishes to talk.
But then that ever present fear returns. What if it meant Nightmare wouldn't visit this place anymore instead of answering? What if he decided it was better to completely cut their past lose from him instead?
Dream hugs his legs as he tries to remember how colourful everything had been. How beautiful it had been.
But... Dream now realises that it had just been a prison of responsibility... For both him and his brother.
A golden cage... but still a cage.
Drema snorts as he nudges Nim's grave "Yet here you are! immortalised by a grave your son made you! You know. That same son you aparently never liekd or wanted? That son made you a grave and keeps said grave clean and brings you flowers. I bet you wouldn't even be thankful for it."
Dream knocks the stump with his fist "After all! How often did you tell me that I should focus on myself? How i should focus on making the villagers like me? How i shouldn't bother to wait for Nighty to return from the river?" Nim had been trying to seperate them from the start. A dream had never realised.
Dream sighs as he hugs his legs "We were children. Little babybones and you gave us adult responsibilities...." They should have just ran. the two of them should have just disappeared into the forest.
Nighty had asked him a few times if they couldn't just leave together.
Dream should have realised something was seriously wrong. Nighty had been the one who took their jobs so seriously.
But... Dream had just said he didn't want to leave his friends in the village behind.
"I wish i could turn back time... get a redo... I would stay by Nightmare's side. I would convince him that the job you gave us wasn't our job."
Dream wonders why Nightmare had been so set on doing their job so well... Dream has ideas but none of them are happy reasons.
"What... waht did you tell him? That made him desperate to do this job well?" Which lies had Nim told Nightmare in Dream's absence...?
Dream hugs his legs "Why did you never bother to tell me?" Dream grows angry as he huffs "Why did you never bother to tell me the same? Or tell me when Nighty was near? Or tell nighty when I was near? What was it you were trying so hard to protect?!"
A memory. from so long long ago. It had been raining and Nightmare hadn't been around. Ligthning had been flashing and Dream had been so afraid. His mother had help him within her branches. protected him. reassured him he would be safe. told him...
told him that Dream just had to protect himself. protect the hope he represented...
Dream laughs as he kicks the grave of his mother. glaring at it angerly "Was it worth it?! Was it worth killing one of your sons to protect the other?! Was it worth being the cause of all this pain and suffering we both had to go through?!" Dream shakes his skull as he gets up "Nevermind. You are never going to give me answers... and honestly. I am tired of you being a part of my life in anyway. I hope you rot whereever you are now." and he walks back to the forest.
It is silent and he prefers it like that. Things had been loud and hectic.
And well...
Maybe just maybe... He had done the same as Nightamre had done.
He gets to the forest lake and immediantly spots the tiny grave.
Well not grave. Dream shies away from that word. Nightmare is very much alive after all. It is more like a memorial... Wait those can be made for living people right? drema thinks so.
It was nice. It gave him a safe place to grieve and talk about everything. to imagine Nightmare across from him and listening to him. Like old times.
Dream figures that is why his own grave nad Nim's are still up. Dream knows Nightmare has to come by to take care of both graves and Dream snorts as he imagines Nightmare just telling the two graves in all the things they had been wrong in and all the stupid lies they believed.
For now he sits down and pulls out a few little knick-knacks he had collected form across the multiverse.
Dream keeps his voice quiet. Afraid someone will hear and come ruin it "Hey little brother..." he can't forget anymore that Nightmare had been his younger twin. Yet it had always been Nightmare who took care of him. "I am back..."
finally back.
Dream traces the stone and wood structure he had made. all still in perfect condition. With the AU being dead there was no more decay.
Dream organises everything he had left before sitting across from it "Sorry it took me a while. I had a.... I had an identity crisis." he snorts "I know. ironic isn't it? Everyone was always so quick to help and guide me to be what i should be yet it helped nothing. I still ended up unsure about who i was or what i had to do..."
he looks at the snowglobe he had put down "I was always jealous of how you just seemed to have it all figured out. How you were confident in what you did. Both before and after the apples. it felt like i was failing, and i guess in the end i did fail as everything i believed had been a lie..."
Dream sighs as he leans his cheek on his knee as he keeps looking at the structure "It is stupid... I had all the help in the world, and then even the multiverse. and yet still i didn't figure it out. I still didn't figure out i was a god of balance over positivity. I still didn't figure out i was doing more harm than good..."
Dream traces the grey grass under him "I was so against picking a domain Nighty... partly because i didn't want to pick something and get you stuck with something you would be hated for. Not again... but that wasn't all."
Dream hugs his legs and confesses what had been weighing him down "I was afraid of picking wrong. No, I am afraid of picking soemthing wrong. That i will pick something and once again not understand it... How did you do it Nightmare? How did you figure out what you were suposed to do? You didn't have help yet you understood...."
Drema chuckles and rubs his cheek "Not that it matters anymore. aparently i did already pick... Reaper confirmed it for me not too long ago... a god of progress. What the hell does that even mean? What does it mean i should do? I know i aparently helped blue by inspiring him to get out of that loop but still! That was on accident! what if i once again go to far?! what if i..." he hides his face "What if i mess up again?"
Guilt and Dream chuckles "Here i go again... whining about my trouble... I don't even know what my choice and pick do you... what is even the oposite of progress?! regression? Did i make it so you are stuck with like... reset stuff?!" he sighs as he rubs his cheek and rubs the tears away "This shit is so unfair... neither of us ever asked for this. We never wanted this and no one tried to help us before yet expected us to just know."
Dream stares at the memorial. no answers of course but he does feel better after speaking about his worries.
Dream chuckles as he pats the memorial gently "But.... that wasn't why i am here. As you know... today is a special day!" he turns to his pack and pulls out a bottle. it is champagne. and a few cupcakes. he lays the cupcakes between him and the structure before putting a candle on both cupcakes and lighting them.
Dream smiles as he opens the bottle and holds it up to the grave "It is our birthday!"
Dream rubs his neck "I know it must seem weird. after all! For the last i don't even know how many years i had so many people to celebrate with and so many powers and even before that it were the villagers but... well..."
his voice grows softer and softer "I miss when it was just us. After we collected berries and fresh fruits. when we would sneak off together and sit by the river to eat the fruits together and give each other small gifts..." he pulls a small wooden statue from his pack.
Dream looks at it and rubs the wood. He had spend weeks on it. an old familiar skill now unfamiliar and feeling alien in his hands. he managed to make a small owl at least. even if one eye was clearly bigger than the other and Dream now had more splinters in his hands then ever before, even more than he first started.
He places it carefully in front of the memorial "I know it... it isn't my best work... I am going to be honest, it is porbably my worst..." he just hadn't had time to try again. He tried so many times but none of them have looked right and as time went by it just kept getting worse and suddenly he didn't have time anymore.
Dream chuckles "It sucks that i.... i didn't keep up with the hobby... I hope you kept reading at least... that you had the chance to keep reading... your picture and castle seemed to reinforce this at least... there were so many books in there! and the picture of you reading..." he rubs his arm as he keeps sitting right there "I am sorry... that you felt like he had to leave and run from your home... again..." he glances down adn chuckles "look at me... rambling... lets blow out the candles okay? I will blow out both. Don't forget to make a wish."
Drema leans down and blows out the candles on both cupcakes before putting his hands together and making his wish.
A silent whisper in his mind.
please.
please.
Just give him the chance to meet Nightmare again.
To talk to him one more time.
If only once to tell him he is sorry and that Dream loves him.
Dream opens his sockets and smiles at the grave, ignoring the tears that are leaving his sockets "Did you make a wish nightmare? Remember. No telling! otherwise it wont come true!"
Dream takes the two cupcakes and eats both before opening the champagne bottle and drinking straight from it. He isn't a fan of stuff like this but champagne is suposed to be for celebrations and well... celebrating himself and his twin seems like a good reason.
He spends his afternoon like that. just being in his old AU thinking back.
Fitting. a god of progress... stuck thinking about the past.
Dream chuckles and sighs "Blue said it is fine you know? To take time and get used to everything... I just hope... that you are doing the same... taking your time to rest after everything. I can only imagine how exhausting it would ahve been to have to do everything you did while everyone was actively working against you..." he smiles up "Good news for that though! I managed to visit pretty much everyone who knew either of us personally or about us! And i managed to explain the situation! so.. hopefully... whever you are or are planning on going, people will let you be and do your thing..."
Dream smiles at the memorial with the raised bottle "to us. to the future... and... I miss you... I am sorry i didn't make it obvious how much you mean to me..."
That had to be the reason why Nightmare hadn't searched him out yet... because he beleived that Dream hated him.
And that is on Dream. On dream for not doing a good job as brother and making it obvious that he loved his twin.
Dream hums as he leans against the stone structure "I love you nighty. And I promise you, I will make it up to you once we meet again."
Maybe that is why he is the god of progress. Because he is willing to move forwards and make it up. progress towards a new future.
Dream blinks and laughs "I bet you would have heard my title and figured it out immediantly." he giggles as he leans against the stone "Happy birthday Nightmare."
Happy birthday to me.
Dream sips the expensive bottle and enjoys the peace and silence.
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vizthedatum · 1 year ago
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Accept that you will disappoint people.
radically self-forgive yourself so that guilt and shame don't become a part of your wiring
so that you can show up and be accountable
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beartes22 · 2 months ago
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Super angry at arc 3 of arcane btw. They rushed to close everything up and it shows
#the characters are so empty#like legit the only one with normal character development is jinx. like. the only one o get where she comes from is JINX.#Also Ekko. loved what they did for him there. everyone gets desolation and he gets a slice of life romance with the (doomed) childhood crush#no one is doing it like him#but also. they don’t even MENTION isha. like. I get it. she died. it’s devastating. but?#what the fuck you go onto the next thing?? WHAT THE FUCK#and I won’t even touch Viktor ‘’’I’m gonna build a place to heal people’ to ‘everyone is a hive mind machine now’ like WHAT#ngl I thought the fandom would be like Jayce I stand by my cancelled wife and all#BUT THE CANON WENT AND JUST….DEPRIVED VIKTOR OF CARE AND HUMANITY? HE IS JUST A WEAPON AND A CALAMITY NOW I GUESS??#Like yeah….he was doomed from the start with the sickness and the canon and all but? there’s doomed by the narrative and there’s like…#WE WILL PUT HOLES THROUGH YOU AND LACK OF CARE AMD COMPASSION AND UNDERSTANDING UNTIL YOU FUCKING GET YOUR DOOM#GET WITHTHE NARRATIVE VIKTOR YOUARE EVIL#‘no I am just healing people from shimmer which is very bad and harmful and painful’‘#NO VIKTOR YOU ARE EVIL SEE? THAT WHY I KILLED YOU BC YOUARE EVIL#existence became so painful to him he went and said no there’s not fixing this. I am throwing my emotions in the waste bin and go machine’#WHY DOESNT HE GETS TO BE ANGRY AND BETRAYED? LIKE AT LEATS SILCO GOT TO BE RIGTEOUS#WHY IS THIS SHIT AGAIN THEY TRY TO KILL YOU BC YOU ARE EVIL AND THEY TURN YOU INTO EVIL BC WHATS LEFT BUT THEN THEY WERE RIGHT TO DO IT??#LIKE. no. I’m sorry but no. fuck that I’m out.#FUCK THIS SHIT I AM WO ANGRY#VIKTOR?? VIKTOR IS THE BIG BAD? THE THING THAT UNIFIES ZAUN AND PILTOBER? FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU.
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myfatherwasapredator · 2 months ago
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earthlyruins · 5 months ago
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i said this on twitter already but if sanji becomes like his brothers or judge i think i'll actually riot. yes the angst potential Whatever but sanji's whole thing is that he's terrified of becoming like his abusers, and that he wants to keep his mother's memory alive as much as he can. he's kind and he's caring and he follows his heart instead of forcing himself to fit inside the mold judge created for him. he has spent his life trying to break the cycle he was forced into !! he found a family who loves and cares for him in zeff and the strawhats !!! i don't give a shit about the germa genes activating; if anything that should be another point for sanji to work through with his crew and keep the fact that he still can feel emotions and that he still loves wholeheartedly instead of becoming like his abusers. and if it does happen then it's bad storytelling on oda's part.
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uncanny-tranny · 1 year ago
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It is okay if you can never forgive somebody who has harmed or abused you. You don't have to forgive them, but you deserve to find peace in other ways. If you can't forgive or forget, then do things for your sake. Find what fulfills you, if to make it easier for yourself. That is okay. Forgiveness isn't forgiveness if it is demanded or expected, and it isn't fair for you
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God? Are you there? Do you hear me? Did you hear me, tonight, crying instead of throwing up, for the first time in a month? Did you see me? Did you see the way I stared at the wall, while terrible thoughts passed through my mind? God? Are you there? Can you remind me, please, just this once, can you remind me of all the promises? There are stars in the sky, God. There's sand on the shore. But God, please. Are they for me? God? Are you there? Do you hear me? I'm sorry. I am so, so sorry for all the things I do, and the person I've become. I'm sorry that all I can think is that it means I should die. I know my friends, my family, wouldn't want that. God? Are you there? How do I stop feeling forsaken? I'm not even depressed, God. You brought me through that. But I'm still in the valley of the shadow of death. If they take me to the hospital, God, I'm scared I won't get a choice. I'm scared the only choice I have is the one I must not, cannot, take. God? Are you there? Do you hear me? Do you weep for me? Did your Son die for me? And, God? If that's true, why? God, I have scars that might not go away. I didn't mean to go that deep. Not with those. Unless I do something, God, I will never be able to wear shorts again. I've worn them with scarring, yes, but not that scar. God? Are you there? God? Do you love me?
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danothan · 1 year ago
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tough pill i have to swallow is realizing that “getting better” doesn’t mean “getting to do more things,” getting better for me means taking better initiative in protecting myself. and THAT means making sure i do LESS things
#sounds kinda obvious but i only just realized it lmao#feels like i have to grieve a lot of my goals now but no one said the healing process would be easy#danbles#and for anyone else that has a disability that prevents them from doing smth#or trauma that makes certain triggers limit their opportunities#or neurotypes that make it harder for them to love smth like they used to#or whatever else#i don’t want to make it sound like you have to give up on the things that make you happy#I’M certainly not going to#but a huge value of mine has always been experiencing everything life had to offer#and everytime that backfires (whether it’s burnout; triggering a flashback; triggering an episode; putting strain on my body; etc)#i always just thought to myself ‘it was bad timing’ or ‘i haven’t gotten better yet’ bc the endgoal was to always get to that point where#i could experience it. i want to try new things all the time. i want to feel normal and be included in everything#but if smth keeps Making Me Feel Bad then maybe there isn’t a version of myself that can take it on#it’s not resilience to put yourself in harm’s way#idk how well i’ll be able to put this into practice tbh. i rly rly like exploring different experiences#even negative ones are valuable to me#but the least i can do for myself is recognize that i might not always be the problem#maybe i’ve already hit the limit on all the self-work i can do. maybe it’s the environment or situation itself that’s the problem#fuuck guys ​i feel like i’m going thru a stage of grief here why is this shit so hard 💀
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novantinuum · 10 months ago
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gnawing at the bars of my cage
can we please Stop telling SU blind reactors all the fandom drama and SU crit that came out of every episode so we can allow them to just enjoy the show like a normal person at their own leisure and make their Own opinions thank u
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wyrdle · 1 year ago
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scribbly wip, inspired by this fic where Simon's crown related madness + post apocalypse life is explored in heartbreaking detail. (Yes, he carved a reminder of who he is onto his arm. And those journals are his attempts to remember people in his life + what to do eg. Do not hurt Marceline, make sure she brushes her teeth etc.)
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runawaymun · 7 months ago
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I think truly one of the best parts about y2k fashion being back in is being able, as an adult, to wear the clothes my parents told me I couldn’t bc of evangelical purity culture.
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yannaryartside · 9 months ago
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ANALYSIS OF THE PORTRAYAL OF DEPRESSION THROUGH MICHAEL BEARZATTO
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Why does this character mean so much to me as someone who was once suicidal
tw underneath: talks about self-arming/self-deprecating thoughts and substance abuse, particularly the last section that also will repeat the tw.
Disclaimer: This is about how I think Michael is one of the most helpful portrayals of depression I have seen and how I think it would have helped me, even though he died. The show is about healing from losing someone in this tragic way, but for me and my friends, the part that explores this character also means a lot.
A little about the importance of depiction of suicide and depression in media. You can skip this if it came from the character analysis; this is just to illustrate the characters that helped when I was going through it. See you at part 1.
When I was in my late teens, I entered a dark period in my life, with insomnia, depression, and memory lapses. It was primarily due to the emotional dread and trauma I got from having a narcissistic parent, being an autistic girl (not diagnosed back then), and the impending quarter-life crisis. I had no support group or emotional intelligence to deal with it all; I only got into therapy years before it all passed. That was until I met the girls that are, to this day, my two best friends, probably the only family I have ever known: V and E. V was going through a hardcore case of harassment in her school, and E had been neglected by her mother her whole life, only to definitely being abandoned by her recently at the time. We didn't know it by the time we met, but we would all hit the suicidal stages in our struggles with depression, even after we became friends.
We met in a Christian youth group we didn't want to be in. But in this space, we formed a friendship that will become our refuge from the world, our support, and the place to share our common interest in becoming writers. In the end, more than in the church we were attending, we found the courage to fight our demons in the pieces of fiction we were consuming. Because we could relate to those characters and their struggles. They seemed real to us. When I introduced them to the Bear last year, we discussed the things that the show got right when talking about Mickey.
Part 1: The portrayal of his loneliness
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The inciting incident of the show is Michaeel's death. Still, there is a lot of discussion on how he was isolating himself long before that, and you could say the story of Carmy that we know today officially begins the day Michael cast him out of the restaurant. Which makes you think about why he did that.
Things that Michael was afraid of, that made him isolate himself:
For Carmy to see him act recklessly: now, we know Carmy saw Michael's explosive behavior before ("Fishes" and multiple family/staff anecdotes), but maybe he was starting to be afraid of not controlling his reactions or being aware of them. Was he having memory lapses? Was he afraid of losing his temper and hurting Carmy? The drugs could have dragged him to the point of not even recognizing himself.
Was Michael afraid of not being able to carry on the dream they had as kids? Was he buying on the idea that he was a failure and would never amount to anything good?
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In addition to the previous reasons, I think Carmy's admiration was what he was the most afraid to lose. Most people have speculated that Carmy and Michael have an age difference of 10-12 years, and their father abandoned them, so Michael was the closest thing Carmy ever had to a father. This is one of the reasons Carmy idolized Miachel so much. Michael cannot even give Carmy a concrete answer in 'Fishes' about the restaurant's future and has emotional breakdowns afterward at the thought of disappointing him. It is even implied (by Richies look when Michael wraps himself in the blanket), that after that conversation, Michael may have consumed drugs. His behavior also becomes more erratic after this moment, losing track of stories he has told before and erupting in violence at the dinner table.
Part 2: The portrayal of hiding
Disclaimer: I can only speak of this thinking of my own family and the families of my friends who were depressed/suicidal like me.
Michael was already doing everything he could to hide his addiction, but I think Carmy was afraid of seeing the signs. Understandably so. People already mentioned that Michael was using, but Carmy never believed them. He was not thinking of Michael as his brother but as his parent. Because Michael was the only "parent" he could emotionally rely on. We can all have clouded vision by fear. Particularly if we are struggling and deeply emotionally wounded. There is no mention of someone else doing anything about it. Even his best friend, Richie, never confronted Michael about his addiction. Michael was the pillar of emotional security to everyone around him. They may even be afraid that confronting him will make things worse. God, after seeing "Fishes," I kinda understood why Michael didn't bring up anything to that environment; not only was everyone fucked up in their own way, but as Carmy said it "When you don't know what are you feeling, asking somebody else how they are feeling seems insane." I wonder how much Michael cared about his own feelings. That is something messed up to say, but is also true.
Part 3: The portrayal of Michael's responsibility.
Thoughts on the "what could have you done" scene. tw of suicidal thoughts particularly apply here.
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I love that , when Richie said
"I wish I had done more," Carmy instantly replies 'What could you have done?"
It is essential to talk about suicide prevention while also understanding that nobody has control over your life or your life except yourself. A whole team of supporting, emotionally intelligent people may not have been enough to save Michael. The family is the environment when other genetic factors built it up, but nobody else pulled the trigger.
It is not like people cared more about their happiness than Michael's life; that is never the case. They all wanted to see, but no one is responsible for Mickey's death except himself. The thoughts of "what could I have done" to help him will just prolong a guilt that has no solution. When I was suicidal, I wouldn't have blamed anybody. There were people involved in my unhappiness, even aggressors, but I was the one who would have given up. Even Carmy tried to blame people for Michael’s death, Nat even blamed the restaurant.
I knew it was my responsibility to seek help or not. Finding ways to help my friends was difficult even if I knew them well and their situations. It is difficult to talk about, even if you want help. When my mom found out, years after the worst of it had passed, she would swear that she didn't see signs, but that is such a complicated topic. In the end, my friends and I just kept going. We all want to be the heroes of our own stories, but depending on the stories we tell ourselves, we may end our own chance to fight for ourselves.
Saying "they were afraid to see," is not the same as assigning blame, and I am sure the show will come to a point of having this conversation. It is probable that people tried to help Mickey or that he sought help himself at some point; it is very difficult to actually comprehend suicidal thoughts, more so if the person struggling with them is someone you love. Most of the people surrounding Mickey never would have imagined that he would die the way he did. Probably because that is the way Michael wanted it, even if he also wanted help, even if he dreamed about someone noticing. Because I dreamed of people noticing.
Part 4: The importance of a mirror
In the end, maybe he was more afraid of being found (ashamed, lost) than how much he wanted to be found (saved). He may have thought that all of his desperation/demons were more powerful than him. I once thought similarly, so I can relate to it. Adding the element of addiction makes it all more difficult. The show is about people dealing with the lost of Mickey, but this character made me revise a part of myself that I once wanted to keep in the past, afraid of looking at that darkness, which will prevent me from healing from it, even if the desperate thoughts that once made me suicidal are lone gone. Moreover I think Storer has chosen to show us so much flashbacks of Michael so we also can see the elements that broke him, in the context of knowing his tragic ending.
We get to know of much he meant to people, how much he shaped Carmy for better or worse. I was particularly touched by the fact that even when Nat found love in Pete and Carmy found purpose in cooking, Michael was likely never able to find fulfillment, or worse, if he ever found things that made him happy, he left them behind to keep the restaurant out of family responsibility, he may have thought that was the only thing valuable about himself.
We don’t know what things pushed him to the edge, but we know, as people that value the lives of our loved ones, that those things were based on lies, the lies he had learned about himself. The show made an effort of showing us those lies, the “you are not worth anything” and “you have no future” statements, the implied abuse, the addiction, the beliefs that all those lies could overpower him. We can see the good person that was hidden under that pile shit. The love he felt, the dreams he had. We get to imagine the future he could have.
We know, has people that have dreams of their own, that can feel love for this fictional character and can relate to him in some way, or just out of simple empathy, we wanted him to live too.
That is the most helpful way to depict suicide/depression, at least is the type of portrayal that has helped me the most. Don’t paint over it with thoughts and prayers, let me see it, in someone else struggling with it, I can see clues of the lies I once believed too, let me put myself in the shoes of this person that may be as broken as I am, and because I see the good and value in him, I can start to see the value and good of myself that my depression was forcing me to ignore.
I don’t know how a person that is currently going through depression will think of Mickey, but I think it at least will validate the things that break us in the context of what came to break him. Even if he died, because we wanted him to live, it may give us courage to fight our own demos.
About the future of Carmy.
There is abuse, addiction, emotional neglect, and many other things that caused the trauma they all carry in different ways, but since Carmy is probably gonna struggle with depression, self-deprecating, and even suicidal thoughts next season, I wonder if the characters are gonna reflect more on the ways they can support him, instead of latching to their damaging ways of thinking, that have hurt them all. This show is about healing, so I am happy to think Carmy will find solace in his support system.
Edit: I edited this post, changing actually the whole approach, because I wanted to choose my words carefully, maybe provide other writers on why characters like this are important. Thank you for reading.
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