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iwritenarrativesandstuff · 11 months ago

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Killua and the Power of Wishes

Okay going to try and make this coherent because the amount of wish association all through Killua's character development makes me want to chew plaster.

As a fair warning, this analysis ended up being long as hell, and I didn't even include everything I could've said. This is also just one lens to analyze Killua's story arc with, and I feel there are other valid interpretations of some of these moments. This is just one of mine, so keep that in mind please.

One last warning that this analysis does discuss emotional manipulation and abuse, as is par for Killua's background.

Let's set the stage with one important piece of info: Killua's birthday.

Killua's birthday is July 7th, the same day as Tanabata. Tanabata is a folklore-rich festival where according to legend, the two lovers, weaver Orihime and cowherd Hikoboshi, represented by the two stars, Vega and Altair, are allowed to reunite once a year after separation. A popular custom of Tanabata is to make wishes by writing them down on tanzaku, then hang it on a bamboo tree so that the wish might one day come true.

Tanabata is also known as the Star Festival. Please keep this in mind, because I'm going to come back to it.

To finish setting up the lens for this analysis, I'm going to need to dig into the game-changer scene for Killua's early characterization - his confrontation with Illumi at the end of the Hunter Exam, and specifically, the exact nature of Illumi's manipulation of him.

I say "game-changer" because it really is - up until this point, it's kind of fair to not fully know what to think about Killua. Certainly, he seems excited to hang out with Gon (he approached him first, after all) and he's friendly enough, but he's also arrogant and claims to be motivated mainly by boredom. For all intents and purposes, Killua seems set up to be Gon's dangerous yet charismatic rival... but then this scene happens and it completely turns it all on its head.

Because Killua may have mentioned his family was controlling before, but he seriously downplayed the severity of it - likely because he has no point of reference for how awful his situation actually is other than it makes him feel bad and trapped. Illumi's appearance immediately shifts our understanding of Killua from runaway murder kid with annoying murder family to straight-up victim of emotional abuse, and dissolves his cockiness instantly to terror.

What does all this have to do with wishes? Glad you asked. Let's look at some of Illumi's dialogue.

[ID: A screenshot from HxH episode 20 of the 2011 anime. Killua looks up, sweating and conflicted, as Illumi tells him "You don't want anything or wish for anything." End ID.]

This is the crux of Illumi's (and the family's) control. Killua's desires do not align with the family trade. They must be excised from him.

When Killua insists that he does have something that he really wants, Illumi says "Tell me what it is you want", in a mockery of a certain other sibling who would have helped fulfill this wish - Illumi asks only so he can completely dismantle it. And Killua isn't even really surprised at Illumi's words, just heartbroken. You can tell this isn't the first time this sort of thing has happened.

Killua states his wish quite fervently; he really means it. But his words are not rebellious, nor cathartic. Instead, he answers Illumi quietly, as if fearful or ashamed, almost reminiscent of a sinner's confession.

[ID: Two screenshots from HxH episode 20 of the 2011 anime. In the first Killua looks down with a troubled expression, saying "I want to become friends with Gon...". In the second, his face is hidden as he stands with hands clenched at his sides with a spotlight on him. He says "I'm sick of killing people..." End ID.]

It's such an innocent, simple want.

And Illumi proceeds to make him feel like even something so simple is harmful and selfish of him... not to the family, but to Gon.

In a matter of a few minutes, Illumi breaks down Killua's wish by:

Acknowledging this desire, but twisting it into something that will inevitably fade over time, thereby causing Killua to doubt his own conviction and feelings -> "Gon is a novelty, a radiant presence who has piqued your curiosity. No more than that."

Acknowledging that Gon is someone important to Killua, and undermining this by telling him that by his very nature, he will eventually bring harm to Gon, which makes him feel as though Killua cannot trust himself to be a good friend -> "If you try to be friends with him, you will one day want to kill him... because you are, by nature, a murderer." (As a... delightful... bonus, this is also apparently how Silva and Illumi justify their treatment of Killua to him - "This is the essence of your existence and we taught you accordingly." Like they adapted to Killua's nature, instead of them molding Killua into who they wanted him to be.)

Delivering an ultimatum - to fight Illumi and win, or else Gon will die - that Killua is doomed to fail due to his upbringing and the needle in his head. Since Killua doesn't know about the needle, he assumes this is his own personal failure, something Illumi feeds into -> "You're just not qualified to make friends."

And it's the last point that breaks him. The first two shoot down Killua's present wish, but the last proceeds to shatter any hope he might've had of wishing for anything similar in the future - he has told him that his desires are weak, temporary, inherently dangerous to those around him, and worst of all, aren't enough on their own for him to deserve friendship and love from others. And the clincher: Killua feels like all of this is his own fault, that there is something inherently dangerous and wrong with him!

So, it doesn't even matter to Killua anymore if he fails the Hunter Exam. To him, he just failed the only test that mattered.

10/10 manipulation, Illumi. Fuck you, seriously.

Killua's character arc is mainly his quest and struggle to refute Illumi's arguments and to shake off the manipulation and the ways in which his family have molded and controlled him. And by far, the most difficult part of his conditioning to shake off is this idea that he is undeserving of anything more than what he is already given.

It's almost like the family has drilled it into him that wishes are dangerous. How interesting.

Thankfully, however, there are two parties to Killua's wish here - Gon, too, is a part of it, and it is not simply his reciprocated desire to be Killua's friend that saves him, but also his recognition of Killua's situation for what it is (notably, when no one else correctly identified the true issue).

"You know it wasn't his choice. You manipulated him, kidnapping his spirit!"

The ensuing Zoldyck family arc emphasizes that Gon is 100% correct: the main hold Killua's family has on him isn't physical - it's all emotional.

Killua breaks one of his shackles when Milluki threatens to have his new friends killed, but he only breaks the rest when Zeno tells him he's free to go. So, if Killua could break loose at any point, was this still a rescue like Gon said?

Well, yes - just because he absolutely could've broken out physically at any time, that does not mean he could just leave. That's the nature of situations such as this - it's not as simple as "just leaving". Support is necessary, as is actually having something tangible outside the situation to go to - otherwise there is little point to leaving at all. Gon (and Kurapika and Leorio) showing up to free Killua showed him that his wish was reciprocated and allowed him to break one cuff - this is the start of his journey, but he still has a long ways to go. Notably, he again hesitates and closes off when Silva asks what he wants.

[ID: Three panels from HxH chapter 42. In the first, Silva asks Killua "...would you like to see [Gon]?" Killua's expression is complicated in the next panel - he's closed off and uncertain. Silva continues "Be honest, Kil... what do you want?" End ID.]

Killua will backtalk and casually break his shackles and death glare his family... but he's too fearful to voice his wants aloud.

And once again, asked by his father what he wants, he is subtly set up to fail. His wish is granted, but made conditional - "Do not betray your friends", something Killua is regrettably set up to do by virtue of the needle in his head that he, again, doesn't know about. Silva fully expects him to fail and come back home, disillusioned, believing it's his own fault due to his "nature", and trusting in Silva still as a "reasonable" figure in his life.

This condition placed on his friendship is what drives much of Killua's fear and insecurity with regards to Gon for much of the series - the idea that Killua has to earn his right to friendship, and that if he doesn't, he will lose it, one way or another.

It really makes me wish that Killua had actually gotten to hear Gon's views on friendship from the beginning of the Zoldyck Family arc, because it entirely refutes this entire philosophy. He even outright refuses to go through the Testing Gates at first, purely because he thinks the sentiment of needing to prove yourself just to be friends is completely outrageous - he only relents because there is no other way.

[ID: Two screenshots from episodes 21 and 22 of the 2011 HxH anime adaptation. Gon looks up at Illumi and firmly states "[Killua] doesn't need to earn the right to be my friend!" In the second, Gon's face is seen in profile and close up as he asks "Why would you test your friends?" End ID.]

I doubt it would've truly prevented Killua's insecurity from manifesting even if he had heard this, to be honest - his issues with usefulness are very deep-rooted in his upbringing - but still, it would've been nice for him to hear, I think.

However, that's not to say that this exact sentiment doesn't come through in their interactions.

Gon, as Killua's friend, cares about what Killua actually wants and wants to make sure Killua knows that - and that's part of what makes the Whale Island conversation between them really important.

[ID: Two images, both of the same scene from HxH chapter 64, and episode 37 of the 2011 anime. In the manga panel, Gon has turned his head to look at Killua directly, who looks shocked and taken aback, to say "I like hanging out with you." In the anime screenshot, Gon has turned his whole body to face Killua, and says "I think it's fun to be with you." End ID.]

I see a lot of people chalk this up to just Gon being Gon, but it reads to me as much more deliberate than even his usual honesty. He's turned so he's looking directly at Killua, which is a sure way to make his words come across clearly. The lead up to this is Killua, again, not knowing or being able to vocalize what he wants. He doesn't have a goal to work towards like Gon, he only knows what he doesn't want - he's a mix of envious and admiring towards Gon, who knows what he wants and simply goes for it.

But this conversation makes it clear that they have a shared wish - they both want to be friends, and they'd both like to stay together. It's not about earning, to Gon, it's only about if they both want the same thing - mutual, not conditional. There's a nice almost call-and-response type dialogue here, where Gon asserts that he likes spending time with Killua (very directly lol), then shares that Killua is the first friend his age he's had. This prompts Killua to say that Gon is his first friend ever, and that he does have fun with him. And just like that, Gon replies "Then let's stay together!" and pointedly includes Killua's desire to find a goal in their, now shared, upcoming journey.

Overhead, a shooting star appears in the sky. A mutual wish is granted.

[ID: A panel from HxH chapter 64. The night sky is full of stars. In the centre is a shooting star. End ID.]

Hm. Stars. Remember how I told you to keep that in mind, all the way back at the beginning? Their association with Tanabata, making a wish on a shooting star, etc. etc.?

Well, buckle up because this star is going to make you experience so much sadness now.

[ID: Panels from HxH chapter 286. The first is a conversation between Killua and Meleoron where Killua asserts he intends to "go down in flames with [Gon]". When Meleoron looks concerned, Killua brushes off the declaration as a joke. In the second image, Killua is turned away, his outline pale, as Meleoron thinks "Why... did you looks so sad... back there?" The last image is a cloudy night sky filled with stars. At the centre of the panel is a shooting star. End ID.]

Yeah, it makes its reappearance directly after Killua has "jokingly" resolved to die with Gon if it comes down to it, after "since it means nothing to you".

I am assured, in Japanese, the word choice here is 心中 (shinjuu), the word for double suicide, where the intent is to die at the same time in the same manner in order to be reunited in the afterlife. The implication here is that Killua, having increasingly grown insecure in his place by Gon's side but unable to voice this, knowing that Gon is hurtling down the path of no return, thinks back to their conversation under the stars where they both mutually wished to stay together and, because he believes that it is no longer possible for him to help Gon, has resolved to stay by his side in death, and after it.

...holy shit, kid.

[ID: Two screenshots from the 4th ending of the 2011 anime. In the first, Gon and Killua stand back to back as meteors fall around them. In the second, they stand facing away from the audience towards a body of water under a night sky filled with stars - Gon throws a stone, which flashes in the air like a shooting star. End ID.]

And of course, here's the shooting star again in the 2011 anime's Nagareboshi Kirari ending, as well as it being the subject of the song itself and rather explicitly referencing that wish to go on a journey together, to stay together, because... Madhouse hates us. I guess. :'(

What started off as a simple wish for a friend deepened into a wish to always stay by Gon's side. This is largely good at first! Killua is able to explore and experience genuine friendship, to get a taste for freedom, and use the power of his fervent wish to protect his dear friend in order to rid himself of Illumi's needle. However, the more Killua wants, the more he traps these wishes in monologues within his own head and does not voice them aloud. Part of it is that he already feels he's been given much more than he deserves - seeing himself as a creature of darkness and Gon as light - but a greater part of the issue here is not that Killua is afraid to wish for things, but that he is afraid wishing without "compensation" will inevitably lead to horrible repercussions - namely, losing who he loves.

In order to feel worthy of staying with Gon, of earning his friendship, Killua works hard to help Gon achieve his goals, taking on the role of wish grantor, growing to do practically anything needed to support him for seemingly nothing in return - but that's not 100% true. Killua wants at least some appreciation, whether he admits it or not - it's a security thing, and it also clearly makes him happy, even if he's not great at accepting it. He insists in Chimera Ant arc that friends don't need to thank friends, but this declaration always read as very sudden to me or like a rationalization, and it's relevant to remember that this is at the peak of Gon isolating himself and self-destructing before his eyes, and Killua's own insecurity regarding his importance to him.

Killua might not mind doing things without thanks, but that doesn't mean he doesn't like to hear that Gon appreciates him. He clearly does appreciate verbal confirmation of their bond! We know this.

[ID: Two screenshots from the 2011 anime. The first is from episode 61. Killua smiles down at the ground with his hands in his pockets, the colours having gone soft and bright. The second is from episode 70 during the dodgeball match. Gon smiles determinedly in the foreground as Killua looks shocked next to him. End ID.]

Keeping all this in mind, Killua's story, or at least this part of it, couldn't have concluded in a better way than his rescue of Alluka, the wish grantor.

Now, I could probably write an entire other analysis on Alluka and Nanika alone, but for the sake of not making this any longer than I already have, I'm going to go through only a few points. Alluka is incomprehensible to her family because they make no attempt to understand her, with the exception of Killua. The only thing they do seem to understand, when explained to them, is the demands made after Nanika grants a wish - this, of course, fits neatly into their own predetermined views on "earning" and "punishment". However, beyond this, they make no attempt to understand her, and since her power is deemed dangerous and uncontrollable, she is locked away.

They are worried, first and foremost, that Alluka will bring harm to the family, and there's two ways in which this could be true:

As a function of failing to fulfill her requests, of course

Because she, just by existing, threatens the family's status quo

I stated at the beginning that Killua's desires do not align with those of the family business, and he's always apparently been more open to understanding others - he asks Alluka and Nanika questions to understand them, and treats them with respect, while his family are more so focused on subjugating anything that might be a threat. This is what Illumi tried to drill into Killua after all; never fight a superior opponent - everything is about assessments of relative strength, which leaves no room for open-mindedness or getting to know people.

Faced with a daughter who is clearly incomprehensibly powerful, and a son, the would-be inheritor of the family trade, who is showing a disturbing amount of willingness to befriend instead of retreat from her, the family made the decision to excise Alluka not just from where she could "harm" the family power-wise, but also likely to secure their control over Killua, who they then set about practically programming to not have any more wishes for himself, or at least to not be able to vocalize them without fear of loss or retribution.

The family's nickname for Killua is "Kil" or "Killu", which is deeply fascinating to me as a reader - nicknames are expressions of endearment, typically, and I actually don't doubt that here. Killua's family does love him, but their love comes with conditions. He must be molded into the perfect son, and every part of him that doesn't fit must be excised.

So: Killua's memories of Alluka are suppressed with the needle, and she is further cut from his life by dropping the "a" from his name (the Zoldyck children are named like a game of shiratori - Illumi -> Milluki -> Killua -> Alluka -> Kalluto). The nickname is also like a command or order "to kill", which is of course what they want him to do.

Saving Gon through saving Alluka and Nanika forces Killua to have to face down the last and hardest of Illumi's manipulations to shake, and that's the notion that a wish, that kindness and friendship and love, cannot be unconditional without severe repercussions - where the people he cares about get hurt because of him, something he cannot envision being forgiven for.

It's a little sad to me that after spending most of the series struggling against his family's teachings that they didn't lead to Killua betraying Gon at all, as he'd feared... but to him betraying Nanika, by sending her away.

Here is this little girl with a bloodstained past, incredibly powerful and dangerous and capable of amazing feats, treated as some evil thing by those who fear her. But she is kind at heart. Her true strength lies in healing, not killing. And she only takes commands from Killua.

Illumi thinks this is because Killua is the only one with control over her. Killua believes this is because she wants praise. They're both partially correct, but this is not the full reason Nanika does what Killua asks of her.

[ID: Two screenshots from episode 146 of the 2011 anime. In the first, Nanika smiles and says "I love Killua." In the second, Killua looks at her, stricken. End ID.]

Nanika loves him. Everyone has been trying to figure out all these complicated rules and conditions on her wish granting and why Killua is the one exception, but the answer is exceedingly simple. She loves him, and wants to do nice things for him so he can have his wishes granted. It's the only way she knows to get the love that she wants in turn.

Just like her brother, Nanika makes herself useful to earn love and appreciation from someone who accepted her when no one else did.

Even though he knows Nanika just wants to help, he still sees her presence as a danger to the person he sees as pure and innocent who must be protected. He sends her away because her "nature" is to be a threat to Alluka's safety, even if she doesn't intend to be. Killua's fear of Illumi and repercussions causes him to make a horrible mistake.

And Alluka tears into him for it.

[ID: A set of panels from HxH chapter 336. A furious Alluka glares and asks Killua if he made Nanika cry. When Killua stutters, she demands he apologize to her. End ID.]

You tell him, girl.

Oh hey, this looks a little familiar, huh?

"Apologize to Killua!" says Gon to Illumi after Illumi sends Killua away.

Nanika should not be the one punished for the actions of those trying to control her. She certainly shouldn't be forced to leave those she loves, or have to earn love from them.

And neither should Killua.

[ID: Three panels from HxH chapter 336. Alluka yells, tears in her eyes, "If you're going to protect me... you have to protect Nanika too!!" Killua looks shocked, then his eyes widen. End ID.]

It's interesting to me that this is the line that snaps Killua out of his fear enough for him to properly speak with Nanika and apologize. One party cannot receive all the protection, nor can the other only give and give limitlessly.

Killua makes it clear to Nanika when speaking with her that he will protect her, and that she doesn't need to earn affection from people by granting their wishes. He promises they will both be there for each other - Killua will praise her whenever she wants, and not just when she does something for him, but he also doesn't refuse Nanika's desire to grant his wishes. It's mutual, not conditional.

And on the heels of this "betrayal", Killua asks for what he never thought he could receive - forgiveness. And even though Nanika is clearly still very upset...

[ID: Two screenshots from episode 146. In the first, Nanika and Killua face each other, both of them teary. Nanika says "Kay." In the second, he has pulled her into a hug. Nanika is teary, her fingers gripping Killua's back tightly. End ID.]

...she doesn't even have to think about it.

I do think Killua still has a ways to go, but he is in a position right now to learn from his relationship with his sisters about balance - that love is not just selfless devotion, but also allowing those who love you to help you and make you happy too. I think that's what unconditional love is, in a way - supporting and working together with the people you love to make each other's wishes come true.

#oh my god this was supposed to be a brief write-up what happened 😭#ugh i feel like this is a bit of a mess and there's infinite other little points i could've made or elaborated on or interpreted differentl #but i'm so tired lmao #anyways tldr fuck you illumi you suck #killua is a snarky little shit but he also has so much love in his tiny body and i think we should appreciate him forever and ever #this also accidentally turned into alluka and nanika appreciation. i love them #nanika sweet angel i love you so much i hope you get all the head pats in the world #ghhh i'm so scared this doesn't make sense anymore i've been working on it for almost a week #hunter x hunter #hxh #hxh meta #killua zoldyck #call me ace detective the way i am ace. and also a detective.#storyrambles #also that one scene where gon turns to look directly at killua and tells him he has fun being with him makes me jdfhbvsdjfbvh #he's so intense about it i start laughing. no wonder killua basically just went ??!?!?!?! and like. leaned back because i think i would've #done the same lmaoooo #it's very sweet though :')#argh. gotta post. i need to stop hesitating. let's go.

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zip-toonz · 9 months ago

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Miss Rebecca Butters

#strange hill high #becky butters #*pat beckys head* this kid can fit so many head canons #WATCH THIS SHOW ITS FUN

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beau-bunny · 3 months ago

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Aaron’s such an underrated character on Aphblr tbh. He’s become one of my favorite characters in the cast as I rewatch more and more of Mystreet. Aaron will tease you, but he’s also one of the best characters in the cast to go to for emotional support. He’ll tell you as it is, smack you upside the head when you’re being crazy and shake you back to rational normalcy, but then he’ll sigh and tell you you’re gonna be just fine and everything’s gonna be okay. He is the number one (and on occasion only) holder of brain cells in the whole neighborhood. He’s the most sensible, and often the word of wisdom/rationale, much more so than Katelyn or Lucinda or Zane or Laurance are. This can often make him come off as a serious character, but he’s still down to clown! He just does it in a different way!

He’s supposed to contrast Aphmau’s louder, more extroverted, playful, ditzy, eccentric personality, by being quieter, more rational, more responsible, more cautious and careful, more reserved, a word of wisdom to contrast her crazier, chaotic energy and pranking and punning and ponies and general whimsical tomfoolery. But that does not, by any means, mean that he is not participating in the antics. Just because he’s the only one who thought to bring a first aid kit and a safety harness doesn’t mean he’s not jumping off that cliff with everyone else in this crazy cast. You tell him to dig, he’ll bring shovels. He may sigh or say “oh god not again” when shit goes awry or the gang decides they are Dead Set on doing something insane for the 10,000th time, but by god he will commit. Aphmau kidnaps a baby and goes on a mad chase for a comedic bit, and he never complains about how “stupid” and “reckless” and “obnoxious” his girlfriend is, he just says in a completely calm tone, “Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go save my girlfriend.” And he chases after her immediately lmao.

Aaron enables the antics and participates in them, and if you rile him up or challenge him damn well enough, he will throw himself into the group antics with an unbeatable, fiery fervor. If the boys decide they’re all gonna pretend to be Santa and his elves in order to cause prankster-variety chaos one day, Aaron would join in and go right alongside them. He’s here to make sure it all goes to plan. He’s here to make sure you don’t break any bones when you jump off that roof like a madman. He’s here to help you run away from the cops, help you break into the building. He may chide you for doing it in the first place (“do you even know what you’re doing?!”), and if needed he may drag you back home if you’re barking up the wrong tree and it’s nothing but detrimental to you, but if it’s viable for the bit, he absolutely will show you how to break a window correctly.

And he can be a little shit if he wants to, too!! He can snicker at you and tease you and make quips, and I bet if Aaron himself dedicated his energy to it, he would make the best of pranks. He’s not an asshole that’s full of himself and too serious and stoic and cool for being silly, he’s not a whiny bitch, he’s actually very incredibly supportive. At times, much more so than Garroth, Laurance, Zane, Katelyn, etc. He’s reliable, he trusts Aphmau a lot, he knows how shittily Aphmau cooks and still does his damndest to support her, and he will force himself to eat her biohazardous cooking just to make her happy. He is the chef of the household. He’s good with animals, animals love him. He’s a kind guy!!! He’s just got his own unique energy and vibe to him, that no one else in the cast really has, and I really appreciate that core trait of him. He’s a grounding character. He’s probably got his own ways that he’s weird and eccentric that are a lot more hidden than Aphmau’s. If we didn’t have Aaron, the entire neighborhood would have burned down ages ago, ten times over.

I genuinely do believe he’d make a fantastic dad, being a combination of a soft and gentle and tenderly loving man, and responsible enough to always bring safety helmets and bandaids and snacks, very supportive of his kids development, emotionally available as a great source of genuine advice and wisdom while still getting plenty of encouragement. He would probably want to make an effort to be a very different parent than his father was, and since he was emotionally neglected as a child, he would refuse to do anything similar to his own kids. He’d be a good influence (and Aphmau would be the bad influence LOL)

He’s kind of a teddy bear of a man <3 If he weren’t so heavily wolf-themed, I’d say a bear would be the best animal that’d fit his personality and energy. He’d protect you like a bear, he can be really fucking terrifying if he wants to, but he’d only use that power to make sure Aphmau gets what she wants and needs to make her happy. He’d never use that terrifying intimidation factor of his on his friends and loved ones, never as anything more than a single look that has a derailing Garroth/Laurance/Travis/Dante/Gene/etc. get right the fuck back on track and start backpedaling, like if they started saying or doing something careless or stupid that made Aphmau feel worse. He’s quiet and reserved with that tired, grounded, solid energy of a bear. He’s a big guy. But he can also be really soft and supportive and sweet. He takes more time to come out of his shell and let down his walls, but when he does, he really dedicates his life to the few people he manages to trust. And it’s that thick outer shell that makes Aphmau a good match for him, because she’s kinda the only character in the cast who’s able to bring him out of his shell so easily.

She’s kind and extremely friendly, unstoppably and unendingly so. She’s sweet and naive and selfless in the way that proves to Aaron that she’s not trying to get anything out of him, she’s not lying to him, and she would never neglect him or just…abandon him like a discarded toy once she’s through with him. She’s not scared of him. She sees the best in everybody, and sees that there’s something more underneath that scary, prickly outer shell of defenses that’s managed to push everyone else away and keep the likes of Laurance and Garroth and Katelyn on their toes. She sees what no one else does, she sees the true beauty and the kind heart he has underneath. Even in MCD, when he’s literally held a sword to her throat and threatened her life multiple times, she can still sense that he’s full of shit and there’s a kind heart underneath, and if she does a little cultivating, extends a hand of gentle kindness and genuine affection, a kind of love and affection he’s never really seen before and been starved of all his life… it works wonders, and he steps out to meet her. He changes, drastically, because she sees the best in him, and that makes him want to become the best version of himself that he can be, for her. Where he might hate himself and grapple with feeling unloveable, Aphmau is there to remind him none of its true. And so he tries to keep her nightmares away in return, sticking by her side, taking care of her, cooking for her, encouraging her to keep doing everything she does best, defends her against the bullies that make her feel like she’s not good enough, and takes her by the shoulders to remind her that she is good enough, and all the voices out there and in her head that tell her she’s not are full of shit. Because he knows first-hand, better than most, the good things she brings to those around her and the wonderful presence she is in others lives, and how wonderful she is as a person. He trusts her. He’s here to guide her along in her path to becoming her fullest self, to give her that last big nudge to boost her along the way. Likely on a cosmic level, mainly, with her becoming Irene.

He’s very sweet, he’s sweet to Aphmau, Aphmau’s even sweeter to him, and genuinely I’ve learned to love the big, fluffy guy and I really appreciate him and his impact on the other characters the more and more I see of him. I don’t really know how I would enjoy Mystreet or MCD or the Aphverse without him. If he were real, I would love to give him one big hug, I bet his hugs would be amazing (topped only by Garroth’s rib-crushing bear hugs)

#aphmau #aphblr #mystreet #aphverse #aaron lycan #aphmau aaron #mystreet aaron #aarons a wonderful character and a great guy #dude id trust him with anything. mans fuckin reliable #my dog. my stuff. my life #…my wife #lmao #and also honestly like. as someone whose so proudly against cringe culture and tries their best to encourage others to embrace their weird #and the fun parts of life and creativity #no matter how silly or stupid or weird it is #I really have ZERO place criticizing aaron or Aphmau for being self-insert characters #ohh wow yea look he’s a self insert of the directors husband. wow look she put her husband in her story #yea every time i come across a new show or comic or book that I like the nm 1 first thing I do is make sonas for me and my partner #in those shows and their worldbuilding.#‘he’s a self insert’ as if you didn’t make five of those when you were younger. and are still doing it now to this day #I have like four or more self insert ocs. cringe culture is bullshit and we uphold cringe culture mean careless bullshit way too much on #aphblr. free the Mary sues and the self inserts. be cringe be free be weird. write that werewolf omegaverse twilight fanfiction #never grow out of your werewolf x vampire phase #and play some motherfucking minecraft #embrace the Aphmau. live that good life. I’m happy and I’m cringe and I am free #and I’m giving aaron a little kiss on his head #and pats and scritches #give scritches to your local bear today #rambling

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montydragon · 1 year ago

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more sidlink practice

#sidon is so much fun to draw it's not fair #wanna pat his giant head #sidlink #sidon #link #totk #botw #the legend of zelda #loz #myart

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ipxakachi · 1 year ago

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Guilty Challenge but he also got stuck

#haha radio silence only to come back with Genshin oop #Hi I love Itto #He's rly rly fun to draw and im mad at myself for not drawing enough of him #I've been going through months of burnout and demotivation when it's come to art due to various things happening in life #only now am I feeling the desire to draw again #idk or maybe it's also coping with my last sem of school lol #Anyway I wanna draw things tht interest me again #It'll be nice to get back into the ease of uploading too...but man social media's daunting and tiring hghfgf #man does drawing Itto's canon body bnring me joy #his canon body that clearly not been nuked in game #canon buff idiot that's canon to me and you cant tell me otherwise #im not in denial shut #genshin impact #arataki itto #guilty challenge #redraw #10 points and a head pat to those who know where the 2nd pose comes from #taemin guilty

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ryuusea · 1 year ago

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sherlouis commission for @hergan416! ty for the comm and letting me draw sleepy cute louis hehe 🥰

#he’s so tsun tsun and I pat pat his head #I don’t draw louis enough but I want to lovingly draws his hair #I’m always boolying sherly in my art and this time around ligjtly boolying louis? lol #sherlouis #louis james moriarty #ynm sherlock Holmes #yuukoku no moriarty #moriarty the patriot #comm #hergan416 #the puffed up cheeks louis and his hair being tucked back are my favorite panels #ty for providing such a cute comic idea this was fun!!!!

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0wldn0 · 3 months ago

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What are the stunticons hobbies?

As whoever sent this anon probably noticed, I took my sweet time thinking about this ask FDHFD But that's only because I loved thinking about it!! Such a sweet and lovely thing!! How fun it is to think of them having favourite things they love to do!!

The Stunticons were never really able to discover such things before, like what hobbies they have, what they like to do in their free time, etc... They were stuck in between being sent off to deadly missions and the being berated for it when they do one thing wrong. It's hard to figure out anything about yourself when you're in an abusive loop like that.

After they go on their separate ways, they do start to slowly discover things they like to do. They see a glimpse of what it is like to have a normal life and just do things for themselves. Especially after everything with the Earth team is resolved, and they can live carefree on Earth for a few years, they spend more time just figuring out things they like to do! They all LOVE racing of course, but they have their own individual hobbies as well!

Deadend figures out he loves to fix things! Be it machinery or just broken furniture. It makes him happy to take something broken and discarded, and give it a purpose again. It kind of makes him heal over and over again, yknow? It's therapeutic to take something that noone sees any value in anymore, and just find the potential in it, bring it back to life. He would not invent or build new things, just fix the broken ones! ((Once on Earth, after everything is dealt with, I can totally see him seeking out anything he can fix in junkyards and such. He likes to takes his time and make them look pretty too! In the end he would have many things that he doesn't really use though, and then he would have the idea to organise a lil stand so people in need can take whatever they want and take it home! He would only watch from far while the Terrans handle all the socialising. It would make him happy to see these trinkets find homes and have a purpose again!))

Breakdown would LOVE graffiti!! He discovers that he loves doing this back when he's on Gigantion, and is asked to help paint a small area on the wall. He finds it very relaxing to watch the paint give the wall so much personality like that! He kind of gets into a trance where he forgets he's supposed to paint the wall only one solid color, and just tries out new things. "What if I blended this color here? What if I made a line here? What if there was a little shape here?" and boom, he got carried away and the whole wall is covered in different colors, writings, designs... He feels ashamed for it at first but the giants are not mad at all, if anything, they're impressed!! Do it to that wall over there too!! And that makes Breakdown so very happy! Once he is on Earth, I can totally see him just playing around with colors and shapes on an empty wall he found. It would be so intriguing for him to watch the colors just stick to the wall. Most of the time, he doesn't have anything specific in mind when he's doing this, he just likes to watch the colors. It's nice to direct your full focus on this one beautiful thing and not think about anything else for a while.

Dragstrip, I can imagine liking many different things, especially when he comes to Earth and learns about the different things humans do! Knitting, puzzle solving, cooking ((even though he wishes he could taste the food... Humans say they're delicious))... But I can see him loving reading and writing the most! Especially reading about both Cybertronian and Earth history, culture, social norms, etc etc. He likes to analyise these topics and learn about how they affect the current environment, both when it comes to Cybertron and Earth. He would definitely write theses on these topics too! He would start doing that just to infodump his brothers about the topics he researched at first, but then his brothers would urge him to start sharing these! Because damn man!! You write like a professional!! Imagine him creating a blog for himself where he just yaps about his observations and researches all the time. Eventually getting a dedicated number of followers too!! Aside from topics like these, I can also see him reading books just for fun too! And then go to the nearest brother and talk about the book, either explaining why he liked it so much OR going on a whole hour long rant about why the writing was HORRIBLE FDHFHD ((I like to imagine this hobby landing him a place in the Cybertonian council when they all are back on Cybertron, even!))

Wildrider was always an interesting one to think about, because I think, he would have a hard time living in peaceful times and just find things to do. They all are used to war, constant fighting and keeping their guards up. Peace is hard for all of them to get used to. But Wildrider especially deals with it the hardest. Peace feels... wrong to him. He doesn't like how strange it is, how unfamiliar it is. It puts him on edge, like something is wrong. This isn't how life is, it's just an illusion of a dream he can never have. I had this one scene in mind that I've been thinking about turning into a comic... He would hear fireworks go off, and of course, not knowing what they are, would rush outside thinking that gunshots are going off. He feels a sudden high of adrenaline and fear. But then he just sees these bright colors in the sky and realises that it is nothing dangerous, it is just celebration. And he does feel relieved, but deep down there's also... disappointment? Noticing that feeling makes him stop and just stare at the fireworks. Why does he feel disappointed? He basically just saw that there was no danger around and everyone was safe, then why does he feel like this? He would definitely hate himself for it, feel like he does not deserve to live such a peaceful life because for some god forsaken reason he just can't appreciate it. But it is not his fault, really, even though he fails to understand that. He has grown so used to living life on edge, that safety scares him. He is afraid that he will give into this new peaceful life, only to be thrown into another war again, to have life laugh in his face for his stupidity to believe that he can have a normal life after everything.

Wildrider would have a low mood for a long while. His brothers and Motormaster, of course, take notice of this, and they are NOT going to let him wave them off. Breakdown, Dragstrip and Deadend especially would press him strongly for any kind of explanation just so they can help him. Wildrider would not want to talk to them about this though, because he feels ashamed of the way he's feeling. Ashamed of the fact that he wants there to be carnage, and that he's scared of the way things are right now. I can see him getting angry with them because of how much they're pushing to just get answers from him, leading to an argument between them, ending with Wildrider leaving to cool off somewhere. It is Motormaster that actually gets him to open up about his feelings in the end, and she's the first one to comfort him about them. Letting him know that he is not a bad person or undeserving of peace due to these feelings, he just needs help to adjust, and he should let his family offer him that support.

In the end, Wildrider would try many things with his brothers! Give a go at all their hobbies! He would do activities with the Terrans too! Really starting to live that peaceful life! Eventually, he would figure out he really loves games! Be it videogames or real-life ones! Games are thrilling, exciting, some of them give him so much adrenaline, but in the end, it is all also so safe. It's just playing around. Losing doesn't matter, because noone will die. Winning also doesn't matter, because nothing will come off it. It's just living in the moment and having fun with it. Imagining Nightshade gifting him a gaming console that they themselves built after noticing how much Wildrider enjoys games. I think he would have a hard time holding back tears honestly. ((I know his personality makes him appear as someone who would play shooters or PVPs only, but I can totally see him playing soft things like farming simulators even! He just likes to play! Anything is fun!))

((can you tell that I've been wanting to talk about Wildrider...))

LASTLY! Motormaster! She would definitely be the last one to actually discover things she likes to do. She's too focused on her brothers' happiness, too busy making sure everything is okay with all of them. There's also a lot of self-hatred that needs to be worked on when it comes to her. Even after the Stunticons completely forgive her for her past actions, she does not forgive herself at all. This makes her really not want to think about anything regarding herself. What do I like to do? Who cares. I shouldn't be doing anything.

It doesn't help that her wish for revenge from Megatron did not end the way she planned, and she realised she was only dragging the Stunticons and Menasor along with her for her own wants and needs. So now she really does NOT want to think about herself as a person at all. She's just there to guard the Stunticons, nothing else matters.

The Stunticons do try to help her open up more, as they realise she has kind of put them all in the center of her life now. Of course she lets them live their individual lives and they never feel like she interferes with their personal business or anything, but they can see that it is not healthy for her. Unfortunately they can't really do much to change her way of thinking, as her self-hatred is only fueled more whenever she notices they feel bad for her. They should NOT worry about her, how dare she make them worry about her?!

Her healing and finding things she likes to do would be way later, when the Earth team finally has a spacebridge built to go back to Cybertron. Cybertron is free of war, and full of life now. The Stunticons all start new lives on it and she kind of is unable to keep track of them now, and she has a feeling she doesn't need to. They still spend almost all their time together, but they all got their own lives figured out too, they stick together while also doing their own things. They're "grown" and don't need her watching over them anymore. This does put her in an empty point in her life, where she just feels... lost, honestly. It takes a while to recover from such a big change in her world.

Silverbolt especially is a big help for her healing at this point in the story. ((Shoutout to @wwheeljack wink wink)) These two end up developing a very close bond. A queer-platonic relationship. Silverbolt gives her the kickstart she needs to really live her life to the fullest. She discovers she loves sight-seeing. She always have, she just was never aware of how much peace it brought her. Finally accepting and welcoming this serenity it brings her makes her appreciate sceneries even more. This would lead to her realising how much she loves travelling! Going far or not so far from home, just going to a new place! Observing everything on the way, taking in all the life. Eventually, she would share these hobbies with Silverbolt. It would be another kind of thrill to be with him as she does what brings her so much peace.

((I was also wanting to talk about Motormaster a lot FDHFD))

BONUS: Menasor!! Honestly, I think Menasor's hobby would be just existing and talking with those they care about. I can imagine Menasor just being happy to be alive and be themselves. They would lay down and stare at the sky for hours, and it's just peace in their mind. They would talk with the Terrans, Maltos, Bumblebee, for so long, and not get bored. It's just nice to be. Of course later on Superion also becomes a beloved friend, and these two become each others' worlds almost. They just love to do anything together!

I can also imagine Menasor loving to do cataloging, or keeping a journal. It's just random things they write in there. Things they see, things they talk about with others, something funny Wildrider said that day... Anything! Then reading these things they wrote every once in a while and smiling at them.

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