#he's turning into HIS mother actually
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actually I think the best characterization for old/older Bruce Wayne is just Overbearing Jewish Mother.
"Where are you?" "Why aren't you back from patrol yet?" "Alfred made dinner and you're not home." "You can't go out in the base layer armor, you'll be too cold." "I told you that you weren't going to stick that landing, and now look at you." "Don't whine to me when you break your ankle." "We're doing an x-ray on your ankle and that's non-negotiable." "What did I tell you about going after muggers on lower 9th? It never ends well." "Oh, you need a pickup on lower 9th? Who could've seen this coming?" "You never check your comm when you're talking to Barbara. What if something important came through?" "Why don't you bring Barbara around more?" "Alfred made extra dinner, please invite Barbara." "No I'm not using a cane, when I start using a cane you can take me out back and shoot me." "I'm not being dramatic. What's with that tone?" "Put that down. Why are you holding that?"
#he's turning into HIS mother actually#as is the fate of all jewish children#jewish bruce wayne#jewish batman#martha wayne#alfred pennyworth#bruce wayne#batman#dc#batfamily#thoughts
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Girl dad Cole gives me insane amount of comfort you have no idea....
Like yes, he has tea parties with his daughter, yes he watches Barbie movies with her and fixes her dolls when she accidentally breaks them. He loves making her hair, even when sometimes it takes long because just like him, she has lots of hair. Nothing is "too girly" for him, he enjoys everything with her.
Lego give him a baby daughter and my soul is yours....
#pleasd buy my idea of Liann so he can have a daughter....#they made me so hsjqbjfjsncjjd#AAAA#like Cole is so girl dad you don't understand :((#I actually have a new gen au where he has a daughter so...#maybe you wanna check...#Liann (the daughter btw) is also pretty much Anakin Skywalker when it comes to how she exists#but no mother she just... spawns.#in the Land of Lost Things#he just found her and was like “oh shit SOMEONE FUCKING LOST A NEWBORN BABY”#and the turns out she is biologically his child too.#she was like... a gift? to him#they do not question it all that much#ninjago#ninjago fanfiction#ninjago au#ninjago cole#cole brookstone
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meet your maker
#splashtail#curlfeather#warrior cats#94#in a better world they could have had a dynamic that was actually interesting#i have a lot of thoughts about them...#splash being a more violent kid curl seeing him and frost being close and trying to keep him away#then there's my genius idea of curl becoming his mentor after softpelt died in tbc#the timeline makes sense if you disregard the asc retcons#they could have been so so cool curlfeather not so much using him as them being like. not partners but some sort of mentor thing#her being his mother his maker his creator in spirit#maybe he's always been this way and she just helped turn him inside out. oops#whatever. i don't know. he was her daughter's best friend
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… 𝔗𝔦𝔩𝔩 𝔱𝔥𝔢 𝔥𝔬𝔩𝔩𝔬𝔴 𝔬𝔣 𝔇𝔞𝔴𝔫 𝔱𝔢𝔞𝔯𝔰 𝔶𝔬𝔲𝔯 𝔣𝔩𝔢𝔰𝔥 𝔞𝔭𝔞𝔯𝔱
#the valentinos#dawn gaffney#oooo can I say dawn is my favorite already RWAAAAA#its just the moon scene that really got me WOAH. I FREAKIN ATE#FUN FACT: dawn was actually a human decades ago. she was very poor and almost starved to death but to her luck-#-she met vladamir (aka her husband now) who was a young naive vampire but still w a great power to transform a 💁♀️ to🧛♀️#dawn at that time would do anything to just stop the hunger so what happened next? yep vlad turned her into a vampire#the insane part is dawn as vampire is worser than human… she literally hunts humans and locks them in a cell to drink their blood…#yes dawn also an evil vampire the EXACT OPPOSITE of vlad- idk how they fell in love w each others laters#love is indeed blind#also adam (aka her eldest son) hes the one brings these humans- he hates doing it but dawn has insane aura/power to dominates that-#-why he prefers to do his mother’s dirty work over getting dominated by her AH#ts4#sims 4#simblr#simblereen#ts4 vampires#sims 4 vampires#ts4 edit#sims 4 edit
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CHARLIE: She came back with a white pony. The one she gave to you. You used to ride it around, remember? [Tommy shakes his head] Well, she seemed happy for a bit watching you ride it. And then she was gone. And none of it made any sense. Afterwards, whenever I looked at that white pony, I saw her ...
#can we talk about tommy being used as a kind of confessional toilet at the most inopportune moments for a second#peaky blinders#peakyblindersgifs#tv#tvedit#see i maintain there's nothing sinister about uncle charlie#but tommy going to him to talk about his own suicidality and his fears of turning out like his mother and charlie uses THAT to confess that#he was in love with her ('your dad was useless' btw if you even care) after keeping it a secret forever and after likely#repeatedly telling tommy that he's Just LIke Her for years is just so deeply badly timed#you have to admire it a little. actually#if anything that increased tommy's desire to kill himself
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Fox Mulder doesn't have the "I Want To Believe" poster there because he's crazy. He doesn't have it there to broadcast his beliefs or as a mantra or to remind him to always look for aliens.
Fox Mulder keeps that "I Want To Believe" sign above his desk to remind him of his own internal biases.
That sign hangs above Mulder's desk to remind him of his own shortcomings and flaws. He's aware that he's a hack with dangerous beliefs and prone to flights of fancy and maybe even delusions. He's aware that he's desperately searching for aliens and monsters where there are only men doing bad things. And he has to remind himself of that, constantly.
That's why he's thrilled when he meets Scully and she challenges his beliefs, says that logically aliens don't exist. He's thrilled when she tells him to cut the crap in the pilot episode. He needs someone to challenge him. He needs someone who won't take his shit and put up with his flights of fancy. And he knows it. He's been dealing with himself for years and he feels relief and joy when Scully comes in and says enough of your bullshit. We're doing this my way. With science and logic. He isn't smiling and teasing her because he thinks he's smarter and better than her. He's smiling because she's exactly the person he needs in his life.
That's why he tells her right away that he's a UFO freak with trauma about his sister and a true believer. Not because he's trying to convince her to believe, but because he needs her to understand where he's coming from and what's wrong with him. So she can understand that either he's a dangerous lunatic himself, or he's delving into a dangerous conspiracy and either way she could be collateral damage if she stays with him. He spends the pilot episode reckoning with the idea that either he's a maniac or he's pulling this young fresh detective into danger. When she starts agreeing with him he gets upset, talks her out of it.
Mulder keeps that sign above his desk to remind himself to look into the "reasonable logical" explanations. He keeps that sign on his desk because he knows he's flawed and biased and frankly, dangerous.
He tells Scully exactly what he thinks is happening and about all the crazy stuff he believes not because he's trying to convince her to believe too, but so she can be his sounding board. So she can throw his illogical bullshit back in his face and remind him to look past his own biases and paranoia and quasi-religious zealotry. Because he knows he needs that. He knows he's in a conspiracy brained echo chamber of his own making and having a slow-burn mental breakdown. And he sees Scully as salvation from himself. As another figure in his quasi-religious belief system. The savior.
As the series develops he relies on her more and more to reality check him. Literally reality check him and manage what he worries might all be a delusion.
Mulder pretends he's confident and all the constant criticism and sidelong glances don't get to him and that might be true because he doesn't respect those people but he respects Scully. And he needs someone he respects to tell him when he's wrong, when he's being biased or actively delusional. Scully is his salvation. She's compassionate about his trauma and the reasoning behind his beliefs, but confident and logical enough to tell him when it's all bullshit. She's his savior, his rock, and often his only real connection to material reality.
#in conclusion Dana Scully is Jesus#haha but for real she is#the x files#x files#fox mulder#dana scully#mulder and scully#agent mulder#spooky mulder#okay she might be more of an allegory for the Mother Mary#but she's actually more of a Jesus figure herself#in this essay I will#someone help the media analysis chip in my brain won't turn off#also goddamn this man loves sticking his hand in mysterious substances#in episode four he chases a coyote into the woods by himself this man is crazy#fox mulder is a dangerous maniac#and I love him#I love this whorish delusional man#oh and he puts his hand in and then tastes what he knows is probably poisonous foxglove#honestly there's no substance fox mulder won't stick his hand in and or taste
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if i see one more post about how solas/mythal/elgar'nan had a weird love triangle thing going on i'm gonna scream
#probably gonna annoy some people by saying this#but i think it is really telling that taash's response 'they were doin' it'#is positioned in a way that strongly implies it's the immature response to take#not to say i'm 100% right bc they left it deliberately vague for a reason#you're meant to make up your own mind#and i personally do not see this as a stupid love triangle bc a. i fucking hate love triangle plots they're overdone and boring#and b. it's stated multiple times that the ancient elves felt things in different ways that can't be fully understood by mortals#so deducing that it was a romantic bond is an oversimplification of something that's actually very abstract#falon'din and dirthamen were called both twins and lovers by legends but it turned out to be neither of those things#they were just one spirit split into two#the only two that i think were actually romantically involved were ghil and andruil bc it's stated that they fell in love in the abyss#and there are statues of them naked holding hands apparently#we didn't get enough info about sylaise and june to really say much about their relationship#the actual regret memory of solas and mythal meeting in secret#is the memory that the inquisitor gives to rook#and it appeared after the ritual was interrupted and solas killed varric#when varric told him to stop#when varric expressed his love for his friend and died for it#the parallel is not of lovers but of solas taking mythal's place and varric taking his#ugh i'm just so uncomfortable with the solas/mythal romance stuff#like it actually nauseates me#not out of jealousy but bc his whole story is him dealing with the horrific trauma bond he formed with her#and those are so often borne from family bonds#like mythal is just one big mother wound to solas#i honestly think if they were lovers they would just state it as such#but people have a hard time imagining devotion as being anything other than romantic ig#sad bc platonic relationships can sometimes be more intense than romantic ones
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Sebastian Solace sleeping peaceful in 4k hyper resolution oculus meta quest 2 quality
Drew him sleeping cause of this:
Same drawing but without the slight darker filter over it:
I wanna draw fish man angst
Also its 4am so im going to sleep goodnight, or goodmorning idk
#I gave him glowy eyelids#art#sci-bax#sebastian solace#pressure#sebastian solace fanart#pressure fanart#fanart#small artist#Ive been getting more into the lore of Pressure and more interested in Sebastians lore#and in the past few days it sunk in just how horrible his situation really is:(#At 19 he was wrongfully convicted of murdering 9 people and right before his execution he was taken by some shady company who experimented#on him and turned him into a monster and even after he was confirmed innocent they never told him#he likely had to find out about it by reading his own file#cant even the amount of mental anguish hes probably in constantly. Even if he escapes Urbanshade he'll still a swamp monster#Feared and ostracised from the rest of humanity. Him imaging his mother seeing him and being horrified not even recognising him as her son#hope he can swim cause if he escaped the only place that hed be accepted in would probably be the ocean#ive got headcanon that he avoids mirrors cause of what hes become#i love fish man angst#pressure sebastian#sebastian fanart#sebastian#sebastian pressure#fandom#roblox#artists on tumblr#digital artist#this drawing is kind of just a fun doodle ive got some actual art ill post tomorrow or whenever i finish it#does this count as angst if the post is positive but the tags are sad? idk im tagging it anyways#my fave art
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#not to be a broken lil man on main#but I was on the phone with my dad for 30 minutes just now (that's a lot for a phone call with him) and like.... damn. yeah. i do have one#parent who's not horrible huh#we talked a lot about my plans for the future...... which I only now told him bcs scary and bcs........ I never ever during my 25 years of#being alive got the impression from my parents that something like this would be an acceptable career choice or something they'd support#and I mean. my [redacted] of a mother is the best example for how. not alright it is with her that I'm doing something that's not very...#traditional for this family#but anyways. my dad was absolutely fucking lovely#to the point that I get getting teary eyed and felt my throat closing up cause. huh. i guess in his own way he does love me and believe in#he asked me to send him a link or a pdf of my first conference report because he wants to keep it somewhere 😭😭😭😭😭😭#I'm....... ouch. ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch#you know the ghosting I am really good at with tumblr chats (sorry guys. ilu. I just suck at communication)???? i'm also extremely good at#that with whatsapp chats and just. not calling my irl loved ones#so idk. hearing him say he understands and just wanted to make sure I wasn't upset with him and like. wanted to know if I was doing okay.#damn. okay. damn#idk#this was such a good talk and he was so suppertive and non-judgemental and I actually told him about my birthday and how my mother's call#upset me and he was like. yeah. same. and like... he's basically gone no contact with her as well as it turns out#idk. I really should give him more credit and like... I feel like there's so much shifting and change and development happening while I'm n#not there and sometimes it's hard to remember that he actually /could/ understand some things. just cause I've always been so used to not#sharing anything about myself because it wasn't safe when I was younger and... idk........ lots of emotions going on rn#so glad we talked though. so glad#simon.out.#if you read all this.... idk man.... sorry for oversharing but thanks for caring ig <3
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I sat here scrolling Tumblr and then I heard my dad snoring on the other side of the wall.
And I've been making it a habit to consciously pay attention to the people I love, because I love them.
And so - I wasn't trying but this just came to me because of observations, and knowing, and perhaps the habit of it - I thought oh, that means he's sleeping.
Its the middle of the day. He does this sometimes. He's a very busy person, between two jobs, and 2-4 disabled kids. He takes power naps after lunch. He has a whole strategy. He's told it to me and I listened and I remembered because I love him.
He's also in burnout. My dad is burnt out and I understand because I am also burnt out. I wish I could help him but I am burnt out, and so all I can do is know him, is listen to him snoring and know that he is tired.
I get to listen to him snoring. He is tired. He is sleeping on the middle of the day because he is tired, from taking care of me, who am autistic, and my brother, with Prader-Willi Syndrome (shoutout to ppl with PWS), and his job 1 to pay the bills and job 2 to pay for the future and his wife and his other children and making sure we all get our enrichment.
And so he is snoring on the other side of the wall, and I can picture him tangled up in his blankets and sleeping because he is tired.
And so I get to listen to him snoring and think about all the things he does and how much he deserves rest, and how glad I am that he CAN rest, that he's worried and busy and anxious, but not too worried to sleep. Because he needs to sleep. And it's a blessing that he can do that.
And I'll sit here and appreciate him and all he does because I can hear him snoring (and it keeps everyone else up at night unless he uses his mouth guard, which we all call his snore-teeth, and I know this because I listen and I pay attention and I love him).
And he might never know that I sit here and think of him and love him and all he does, how grateful I am that he takes care of me when I'm his oldest and I'm autistic, and I don't feel overwhelmingly bad about that but I do wish I could help more than I do. Not be so big of a burden as I am. But all I can do is let him sleep.
He might never know that I take the time to listen to him snore. Maybe one of those days when he's feeling horrible I'll show it to him and say "you are loved and I see you and I am grateful for everything you do, I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you." Maybe I'll make bits of this post into my Father's Day letter. I've been wondering what to do for that because I've been more vocal lately about how much I love him and sometimes it feels like there's nothing left to put in a Father's Day letter that wouldn't just be the same.
There's something special in just the same, though. Like listening to snoring. There's time. And when you're sitting in the middle of time, in the quiet and the dark and listening to snoring, and wondering when the next snore is gonna come, and contemplating life and love and time - well, I'm not doing anything else. And I'm not getting any younger. And maybe right now I can't mentally DO anything else. But I can do this.
I can contemplate my father, who is wise and loving and who pours himself out constantly, fill my mind with MY DAD instead of something else, because I love him.
I lied. My first thought wasn't "oh, that means he's sleeping." Well, it was subconscious. But right after, I thought, "I wish I had someone to love this way," meaning that I want to get married and have someone to love.
But I do have someone to love. I have my father. I can love him. I DO love him. And why am I pining for something I can't have, or worse, for someONE I can't have, when my lovely beautiful Dad is right there loving me in his sleep, in his waking, in his working, in his eating, in his thoughts, in his research, in his everything. I have him? Why do I need anyone else?
#Spend time thinking about the people you love#Even just start by making sure to look when they talk#Not eye-contact necessarily#But you don't need to be doing something else when he's talking#Don't need to give your attention to someone else if they interrupt#Don't need to interrupt yourself#Don't need to think about something else when he speaks#Look. Regard. Contemplate. Consciously give his words and opinions and thoughts the real weight that they deserve#Because you LOVE him#Or her#Your father or mother or best friend or sister or mentor or guide or#Whoever it is that's important to you#Your child your prayer partner your roleplay buddy your mutual#That's love#Not a feeling#Not an attraction#Not an emotion. Unless the emotion is this thing I feel listening to my Dad snore#Love is respect. Regard. Reverence. Attention#They're all the same thing#Can't you see it they're all the same#This is love#And love is love#You can show it to anyone anything anywhere anytime#Love is love#Start small. I started by making sure to listen when he spoke. I didn't know it'd turn into listening to him snoring with a smile on my fac#Love your beloveds#Asexual#Ace#Actually asexual#Pride
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Both my parents actually suffer from HORRID emotional dysregulation and are prone to snapping and going into rages. My sister is the same way tbh. I am now realizing this is why they are constantly baffled by the question of whether or not I am mad at them.
I don't have external meltdowns.
I could. I don't let it happen.
I keep my rage on the inside and stay pretty quiet about it. It's just as strong as theirs [physically shaking nose bleed from high blood pressure kind of bad], but like as a kid I saw how terrifying it was to be around [dad breaking dishes, mom putting our lawn chairs into walls] and I just internalized that I wasn't going to wear that anger on the outside.
So my mother genuinely cannot tell if I am just being quiet or if I am silently hearing the dial-up noises of pure rage. This has lead her to both making strong and confident statements like "You are a pacifist who would never hurt a fly U.U" but also acting like I am secretly dangerous maybe... It's because she has never seen me snap.
She knows what her temper is like [throwing chairs through walls], she knows what my father's temper is like [pick up child and toss out door], and she can tell I am being tested, but she doesn't know what happens when I snap or where that breaking point is.
Her -perhaps unhinged- solution to this, my whole life, has been to do things that should obviously enrage me or shut me down completely, like ignoring important boundaries, repeatedly, punishing me for expressing emotions or needs at all, etc... And then to constantly ask me if I am angry with her when I get too quiet [right after near directly telling me to shut up].
It has occurred to me now, they have never once seen me lose my temper, so they literally just can't tell if I am angry at them. My sister is easy, my mother fights and screams with my sister constantly, my mother understands this. My mother doesn't have any grasp of feelings or boundaries that are not screamed at her [apparently, and I fear my sister is the same way]. Her and my sister are close despite constant fucking fighting because they understand each other.
They are trying to get me to engage the same way and it is not working. I realize now that this has been hard for them.
I was so successfully taught to suppress my emotions, by being punished for any outburst, that rage quiet looks the same as any other kind of quiet from the outside. To them anyway.
I did tell her. For the record. I used my words. I did tell her very calmly that my response to rage, in order to avoid doing the things that terrified me as a child, was to simply leave [the autistic urge to GTFO]. When a situation or person causes too much of the dial-up rage noise, I simply extract myself from that situation, up to and including never speaking to a person again. I explained this calmly. I explained it calmly 100 times and I explained that I explain myself calmly as my rage response 1-5 [also pretty much every other negative emotion tbh], and I told her that what came next was me simply opting out and fucking off. I told her this. I couldn't understand why she never took me seriously, or why she never fucking understood.
I couldn't understand what made her like this.
But it's the same problem I have with everyone else multiplied by a factor of 10.
If I am explaining myself calmly, they can't understand that it's actually serious or that I am actually upset. ESPECIALLY because they read me as "female" and women "aren't that rational" so if I am not screaming and crying about something, which I never do, people assume I can't be upset and it isn't serious.
And then after having my boundaries ignored too many times despite having calmly explained how and why it's a problem [shaking inside or not]... I leave. I leave and everyone gets upset like this is unexpected behaviour, even though I told them 50 times that is how I would respond if they kept doing *the thing.*
And for neurotypical people especially, they are expecting there to be a disconnect between what someone says they need or feel and what their actually boundaries and feelings are, and they expect the latter to be demonstrated with emotions. Telling them bluntly you do not function that way somehow never helps?
My mother isn't just looking for normal yelling or a few tears to know I am serious, whether or not I do those either [I don't], she's looking for an explosion to know there's a problem at all.
Fucked if I know how she proceeds through life this way in general or if this is just her expectation of her own kids???
And I couldn't get why my mother couldn't read my emotions and didn't seem to think I have any. It's because she's testing for the rage limit to see where my 'actual' limit is instead of taking my word for it. Never the fuck mind that she could simply *not* test at my boundaries instead of letting me have them. Separate issue.
I couldn't figure out what made her *like this*
She's expecting me to throw a giant meltdown violent tantrum at people when I have 'actually' had enough. Maybe she got away with those being like 5'4" in another time, but I am the size of the average man, I do not get to have giant screaming rages, whether or not people perceive me consciously as a woman, and least of all because a lot of people -at least unconsciously- read me as 'masculine' or at least always "they guy" of the situation compared to all other women and some men [bigger stronger and more rational, more able to just absorb the damage and let it go so the less rational screaming/crying one doesn't have to be dealt with]. Even if it was in me to be willing to terrify people [usually never], there are such limited instances where it wouldn't just blow back on me. Potentially very dangerously.
I am going to be the quiet calm one. You are going to have to let me use my words, bitch.
So she kept ignoring my boundaries until I had to cut her out of my life, and she probably doesn't understand and probably thinks it feels sudden -after 36 long years of bullshit- abrupt and unfair.
But I told her hundreds of times.
I probably should have just screamed at her.
#good stay out of our yard' and he didn't seem to know what to say to that#but other than that I don't think anyone in my adult life has ever seen me turn aggressive at all to the point where people 100% like to#play games of testing my patience and my boundaries because they think my tolerance is infinite#but like I have autistic rage tantrums on both sides of my family and they are just happening inside my head#And somehow it took me until now to realize that being that way was actually -expected- of me by my parents and especially my mother#and that by keeping myself outwardly level headed to be considerate I actually took away whatever signals she can understand#to have empathy for how I must be feeling#I mean it's still all on her#but it makes so much sense of why she's fucking *like this*#And why my sister thinks I hate her just because -she- stopped texting -me-#but that fucking guy#Every time I was like#In my adult life I have screamed at someone ONE whole time and it was 1000% deserved#And I threw heavy objects around one whole other time and in my defense I didn't do it in front of the guy he just felt the ground shaking#heard the thuds and came back to the logs blocking his path because that fucker wouldn't stop parking in our yard after being asked#and then TOLD not to about 10 times because he was acting entitled to just park in our yard and was crushing my plants???#seriously I don't know what his deal was but he wouldn't stop telling me how much the ground shaking scared him like it was supposed#to get my pity like I think this guy took one look at the logs I had just tossed down and was suddenly afraid of this “woman” he was#bullying in their own yard and so my ability to feel bad for scaring him had gone straight out the fucking window#I looked at him and said stop parking in our yard instead of your own you are killing my plants#he'd just fucking be like 'well the last people to live here let us D: :)“ and I'd be like ”good for them?“ ”stop“#and he'd just keep doing it#I was having a week of insomnia and was finally having the best dream#the kind of sex dream you have like twice in your life#and this fucker had just gotten some noisy ass little bike with a spoiler on it#and starts it up right under my window at 3am from IN OUR FUCKING YARD#so I had a nice long anger nap and just after he got home from work and was sleeping in his house#I picked up these chunks of deadwood tree from the back#there was like 3-4 logs that used to be a WHOLEASS fucking oak tree Like these logs were not as heavy as they -looked- but they were still#this fucker deleted half the tags I wrote and I am not retyping that fuck you tumblr so fucking hard
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I’m replaying act 1 (for the fifth time) and when Gale is explaining his condition to you he mentions he’s “never told another living soul” about it, except for Tara. You’re telling me this man shut himself up in his tower for an entire year and didn’t tell anyone why and no one ever bothered to find out? He has so few people who care about him in his life that he fell into a depression and disappeared for a year and NO ONE thought to go and check on him and find out what was wrong? He’s had no one but Tara providing help and support until he meets Tav???????
#I’m just#this is my Astarion run but holy shit GALE#like no wonder he’s a little bit insane#how isolated has he been his whole life that he has no one but his cat who cares enough to take care of him#the way he speaks about his mother I thought they’d be pretty close but even she never found out about the orb??#either she shrugged off her brilliant son turning into a depressed recluse or she never bothered to check on him at all#and tbh Gale might not even realize that’s Not Ideal#maybe he’s always been held at a distance by his family#I have hcs about this actually#anyway that fucked me up this time#the way he begs tav for help finding items to feed the orb like he’s fully expecting to be shot down and left behind#ughhhhhhh I am Upset about the wizard again friends#bg3#baldur’s gate 3#gale of waterdeep#I didn’t even go into how Mystra also abandoned him at the same time#so he was going through a break up and a crisis of faith and being a human bomb all at once#🥲
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procrastination is starting to have its consequences finally
#on my friends living room floor they love together but one of them has been london for weeks or maybe months#to be with her love. im on a foam mattress from one of their beds next to a glass bottle of water opened by one of them#in a mug given to me by another. the weather felt like my childhood today and it also felt like 2 years ago.#(put space in the heavens Einstein's idea and hes your friend too so nothing to fear) around the table they drank and laughed and i thought#i hope you keep growing so full with the love you receive . i hope your appetite becomes insatiable from how used to it you are#and i know youre all leaving soon but i hope one day you miss this and that youll be happy you miss it#its worth missing i think#i thought he didnt care but he said after exams hes going walk around this area over and over#(this is near where he lived and where we visited almost daily for a year)#(hed come across the bridge on a lake)#we went where she used to live and at the entrance a fox sat calmly. it just yawned and stared.#it felt important somehow. i think maybe their impressions of me will never be close to how i feel inside but i think#i love them enough for that not to matter. i dont think theyll ever know this. i dont think if they did it would change much.#and seeing them smile makes my heart glow anyway. today i tried their malaysian tea the ginger burned my throat#they warmed my heart. hes going to canada soon and hes going to the US soon and shes going everywhere soon ill never understand#how were supposed to live with memories and with seperation and with the past but we do it anyway so i think it doesnt matter much#i wanted to write a poem for the lab rats with the fibre optic wires lit with blue forcing them to turn around and around#something about how im sorry that the two photon arrays burned the inside of your brain. im sorry about the sharp points of multielectrode#arrayes. im sorry about everything we do to you. she asked to see me tomorrow. im trying to have self control but i miss her so awfully#last night my friend talked to me and i updated on everything that happened with love and the lack of it and she just started laughing#and she told me about the same thing from her side. and she told me about how she loved london because she would walk the streets#and she felt like the people were her. and her eyes would go over the people and the bag of bagels and the construction men they probably#have a kid at home maybe shes a daughter. this kid is crying for her mother and the building you just walked past caused#blisters and pain and people died in it and very likely people were born in it. we talked for hours and i felt like#i was holding her hand just like that time she held mine watching a horror film. i love her so much#my friend is a genius and i remember her picking up the charms of my phone and staring at the leaf hanging from them. shes side stepping to#music drinking dangerous cider and cocktails from a movie and chit chatting with billionaires and undergrads#i love her dearly. his head covered in electrodes. she tells me about a syrian guy shes in love with and she says#what you feel and what i feel is like cocaine. ive tried a lot of fucking cocaine.#she says ive reminded her of what living actually feels like and to never put energy into someone who doesnt see me this way.
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just going about my day idly contemplating how some of the ways hawke can interact with a romanced anders are not at all unlike how they interact with leandra (and a bit of carver too, especially with a purple hawke), and then thought about my hawke in the timeline where he romances anders and was hit straight in the face with 'was he ever actually in love, or was he just desperately trying to renegotiate with his mother's ghost in any way he could' and now i need to lie down. this is the power of dragon age 2
#'you don't know my mother' haunting me through the years#dragon age#dragon age 2#hawke#On second thought let's not go to Kirkwall; it is a silly place#there are of course as many ways to do/read that relationship as there are players to interact with it haha and all valid!#but my personal version of handers is sooo fucked up and bad times for everyone involved and I love it haha.#this is a relationship neither of them should have been in and that made everything worse and everyone unhappy in the end#locked tomb levels of the horrors of love. i ship it but in the way that I want to make it sadder and more gutwrenching each time#to be clear this is a very mutual two-way kind of fucked up but I think varric in his loyalty and love would downplay hawke's side of it#for huge swathes of their relationship anders is not in a mental place to be a good partner and the emotional blackmail is Not Okay#(but it's just like how mother used to make it! hawke's soul cries sadly as it reaches for it hungrily)#which is in some ways fair enough no one could accuse him of not warning you ahead of time fjskda#but hawke is messy about it in a way only available to a covert people pleaser who has never had a millisecond of therapy#with some added stuff that my hawke is always acespec in some form and when he gets together with anders...#is the sex something he doesn't particularly care to have or not have but it 'makes anders happy'/he longs to feel wanted *and* needed#and also a way he gets out of ever being *actually* vulnerable (which I think he'd had to be with varric for example if he Went There )#'you want the hawke who's in your head so badly and I kind of wish I were that hawke too. so let's be collaborateurs with that fantasy'#(and then maybe if I do it right every time you'll finally be happy hawke says in his heart looking at this leandra-anders phantom form)#(and echoing stuff in varric's relationship to hawke but I think the important distinction there is that varric -- is a craftsman haha#he KNOWS when he's lying/making up a story he KNOWS the difference between what is and what he wishes the world was#(I think there's some deep longing there to not know; for it to blend together or have the power to change things. but he always knows)#which ironically leaves him in a better position to actually see and understand hawke the person#even as he is creating hawke the literary figure. almost to protect him in some ways? god da2 is so full of STUFF!!! I adore it)#and of course anders gets so disillusioned with hawke's inertia and lack of action (you all but married this man anders!#you should know this about him he's already carrying the whole family and city on his shoulders if you add a gram more he'll collapse!)#and hawke feels so desperately hurt that the promise anders seemed to make that he'd be enough -- that he could fix things for him --#('I'm the one bright light in kirkwall and that apparently doesn't count for shit so I'm just slowly turning to ash for you')#turned out to be untrue. anyway. sad now. imagine them meeting like twenty years on what the fuck could you even say to each other then#(I can't imagine Hawke ever physically hurting anyone he loves so he just tells Anders to leave at the end of DA2. they COULD meet again
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ruthlessly deleting old 2021/2022 posts (not by me) from my dean studies tag like *click* un-incorporating that from my beliefs system! also the way SO many posts have me like ok uh-huh good aaand then say one completely wrong thing that loses me. it's so many posts.
#it's usually when they randomly drop some line of fanon. like saying dean has never admitted to being wrong in his life#or never expressed an emotion or been vulnerable or doesn't Talk About Feelings or is super duper RepressedTM#like i'm sorry. have you watched the show. oh and have you taken off the sammy POV goggles first?#bc this guy is always crying and being vulnerable and talking about his feelings. he is self-aware.#he may not always want to talk to sam abt things! but he sure does talk about things with other people#do i need to reblog the compilation posts AGAIN?#(also re: his sexualiy? AWARE. sorry i saw him flirt and be flustered by so many men. he knows how he feels.)#and then 'first time ever admitting to being wrong' this one came from a post abt dean's prayer in the trap#like i'm sorry but first of all. dean apologizes more than any other character on the show. there are hard numbers on this.#people have tracked this on spreadsheets. i think ilarual is one of them.#and often he is apologizing for things that aren't even his fault! but he still feels responsible for bc he's been made to feel that way#his whole life!!#other characters *cough samandcas *cough* apologizing Less doesn't mean they've Done less things wrong#it just means they're not owning up to it and brushing it under the rug. something both do frequently.#anyways. aside from apologies. dean also has no problem admitting he's wrong y'know when he's actually wrong#which is less often than you'd think bc he has pretty good instincts and intuition and often suspects things which turn out to be Right#but anyways. another thing abt the trap prayer is. i don't think cas Needed to be forgiven#i think dean was justified in feeling angry w cas over the circumstances leading to the Death of His Mother! totally normal grief response!#i think cas also understands dean to be someone who needs time to process and deal with his feelings (he says as much to jack)#however. despite me not think dean Needs to forgive cas. the thing is. with dean when it comes to cas the forgiveness is implicit#when he says /of course i forgive you/ and in the cut like /of course i wanted you to stay/ like. yes he was mad and dealing with grief#but also. yes cas was already forgiven even back then. he just needed Time to work through the feelings#anyways i think dean says he 'forgives' cas bc it's what CAS needed to hear to stop feeling guilty and dean gives him that closure#but i also think cas was already forgiven even in dean's anger. he wants him there always. i'd rather have you. we can fix this. etc etc#a lot of tags for a non-rebloggable post ajksdfs maybe i'll make these into a real post sometime#vic.txt#dean and feelings#so i can find this all again later
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welcome to elysium part 2: trial time...
Kuya asks question 1: I'm. I'm stressed for olivine. I can feel my chest tighte ning. I ma sweat.ib
Kuya asks question 2: YIKES😬. AND a HaLf i. I have to leave
(minimises the app and lies on the floor for a solid minute)
ok. Ok let's keept his goin. It's ok It's ok olivine confronting his truths is ok he will be better after airing it all out IT WILL BE FINE deepbreathsdeepbreaths
*coughschokes and falls flat back onto the floor*
(....)
(Regains consciousness a few moments later)
Phew, ok,,, we're safe, olivine is facing it head-on and kuya is-
What THE EVERLIVING FR$* ISTHA*passes out again*
#dragQUeen STORYTI-- I MEAN. evil wife OLD FOX STORYTIME WITH THE CHILDREN AT THE LIBRARY!!!!!!#kuya smiling without malice? in an event? where people can see?????#oli calling kuya out on his existential dread?????#from one mother to another. i can see the ennui in ur eyes#eiden's voice piercing thru the veil of self-doubt and general wallowing...#oli and kuya being surprisingly civil toward each other#despite oli's first comment upon their introduction that kuya's personality is a trial from god 😄#master of elysium was all LET ME TIE UP THIS PRIEST WITH A RIBBON AND PRESENT IT TO MASTER KUYA#and kuya's like naaahhh i bet he's more amusing when he's free roaming and independent#(subjects him to an extremely stressful game of truth or dare)#the girls (kuyoli) are turning slumber party games into Saw movies :(...... :)?#part of me wonders whether kuya actually gave that dude what he wanted#actual infinite sweet dream coma or...? plot twist i'm actually gonna torture you forever#i think he got the sweet dream but i just wanna know what happened at his old trial#i am not clever when it comes to these things. somebody needs to stand there and blast me with exposition#paragraph style. all written out.#he dodged the question... but he didn't get stung...? and .... uh whu? or he jus t lied? but he thought his lies were the truth?#furrows brow. idon't know. and i mean. i guess he got what he wanted in the end#what he THINK he wanted in the end?#*shrugs* oh well. i guess it's just . kuya and oli finish their very special episode of uhhhhh#addressing your actual problems before turning to drugs? no. use responsibly and safely if you must?.. uh.....#don't force drugs onto people? ...and... never bring children into a den of desire?#sure! let's go with that!#welcome to elysium
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