#he’s so mad and upset and frustrated and heartbroken | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

ghoststyles · 1 year ago

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Fairway to Heaven - Part 6

WC: 8.8K

Part 1| Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4

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Instead of hurt, betrayal or disgust, Briar feels heartbroken. Heartbroken Harry had to endure that. She moves closer, embracing him in a hug.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” he violently cries into her shoulder. She rubs circles on his back, letting him get out his upset and frustration.

“You didn’t deserve that. At all,” Briar says softly. Harry nods, just thankful she’s not upset at him. It took him years of therapy to be able to openly speak about his situation.

“Do you know his name?”

“Oliver,” Harry rasps.

“That’s beautiful. I bet he looks so much like you. I bet he has your kind eyes. Your charm. Your ability to make anyone feel special. I bet he’s clumsy like you. And I bet he’d like to meet you, too,” Briar says slowly.

Harry cries harder, the sobs wracking his body.

They sit there for over an hour before Harry finally calms down. He musters up the courage to look at her. His eyes are so puffy and red, and snot is dripping from his nose.

“I understand if you’re upset with me, and if you never want to see me again,” he sighs in defeat.

“Harry, look at me,” Briar grabs his face and runs her thumb along his cheek. “I’m absolutely not mad. I wouldn’t wish this situation on anyone. I want to help you deal with this, whatever way you need to.”

“Thank you,” he whispers. “I think I want to sleep for a while.”

“Of course, let’s go up.”

“Harry, baby. Wake up,” Briar whispers, gently waking Harry from his sleep. It’s well past 11AM. She called Niall to let him know Harry isn’t feeling well.

Harry stirs, the memories of last night flooding his mind. He’s not even sure if he slept. Briar runs her finger nails along his back, gently soothing him.

“I called us both out of work today, so we’re going to spend it how you want to.”

Harry exhales. He can’t even think of the last time he took a day off. Or the last time he had a panic attack. The two probably coincide.

When Camille left him, he buried himself in work. He quickly rose to the top as an associate, eventually becoming a manager. Now that his predecessors are retiring, Harry sometimes works from 6AM until 8PM. Even on Christmas Day.

He takes some labored deep breaths.

“Can we go get breakfast?”

Briar scrunches her eyebrows, not expecting his answer.

“Of course. Take your time getting dressed.”

Briar leaves the room, already having been up and dressed for hours. She tossed and turned wondering how anyone could treat him that way. Harry loves so strongly and so deeply. She already knows he’d be an incredible father, based on his love for Gus. But, she didn’t know him in his 20’s and 30’s. Maybe he wasn’t as mature as he his now.

Her heart broke again watching him sleep. He looked sad, even when unconscious.

Harry eventually comes downstairs, slowly and solemnly. He pets Gus, reveling in his fluff. He is truly their emotional support dog.

“C-can we go to this place to get a full English? You’ve had it before, right?”

“Yes, when I went to London in high school. Will you eat my beans?”

Harry laughs softly, “Yes, I’ll eat your beans.”

She guides him out to her car, knowing he’s probably not in a state to drive. She’s too nervous to drive his nice car. It’s a beautiful day, so she took the top of her jeep off. She can’t wait to see his hair flying in the wind.

They pull up to his requested breakfast spot. The parking lot is a little deserted. She is relieved, because if he needs to cry a little he can do so without judgement.

The waitress greets them with a chipper tone, but quickly adjusts based on their sad demeanor. Briar orders them both a coffee and full English breakfasts.

They sit in silence for a while.

“I know I don’t know her, but, should you call your mom? Is this something you’d talk to her about?”

“I did in the beginning; my sister, too. But then it just became a cycle of discussing the same thing over and over. So I just stopped bringing it up.”

Briar nods, knowing the feeling. After her dad died, she was enrolled in therapy. As a 6 year old, she didn’t have much else to talk about.

“I saw a therapist for a while. I was a little unwilling to talk about any of my other issues, so after a while they just gave me a prescription and sent me on my way. I felt like I got kicked out.”

Briar grabs his hand across the table, squeezing it. “That’s the tough part of it; they give you the tools and you’re supposed to just figure out how to use them. There were so many times I just wished my therapist had told me what to do and what to say.”

Harry hums. The food arrives a few minutes later. He gently breaks his egg yolk, “I’d really like you to meet my mum and sister.”

She smiles, “Aw, yes, I’d love to. It didn’t even cross my mind since you met mine so early on. Well, not my mom, I guess.”

“When was the last time you saw her?” He asks, happy to move onto a different topic.

Briar blows air out of her mouth as she tries to recall the last time she saw her mother.

“Christmas, I guess.”

“Can I meet her? Or do you just want to wait until it happens organically?”

“No, no. I should call her soon, anyway. I’ll try and set something up,” Briar says, pushing her food around. She supposes they're both facing their demons head-on today. “Do you mind if my brothers come? They usually need to be coerced into seeing her.”

“Of course not. Whatever is most comfortable for you guys.”

They eat in silence, only speaking up when the waitress returns to the table every so often.

“I send him birthday cards,” Harry says, staring at his hands.

Briar lifts her head, giving him a look to continue his thought.

“Every year around Christmas time. I’m not even really sure when his birthday is. I’ve never written a note, or anything. I just sign my name ‘Harry’. For all I know, she’s never even told him about me. Or even given him the cards.”

Briar’s sadness returns, evident in her facial expression.

“H-have you tried contacting your mutual friend? The one that introduced you?”

“I did, years ago. Everything was kind of fresh at that point, and I definitely think he took sides. I’m pretty sure they’re together now. His parents own an art gallery and are involved in high-society over there,” he coughs. “I just look like a schmuck in comparison. The craziest part of it all, I don’t know what I did to deserve no contact. I’m scared I’ll die never knowing.”

Briar closes her eyes, willing herself not to cry, “Did you ever fly to France to try and find her? Or her family?”

“I did. Once. I’d say about 6 months later. I drank whiskey the entire flight to Paris. I didn’t even have any luggage with me. I just marched off the plane and went to where I last knew she lived. I should’ve known her keeping her Paris apartment meant something.”

“You couldn’t have known,” Briar says softly.

“I knocked on the door. She opened it so quickly. I think she was expecting someone else. Her jaw dropped, and she tried to close the door on me. I was able to get inside, but she started throwing bottles at me. Then she threatened to get a restraining order against me. She was really showing at that point, so I didn’t want it the police to get involved.”

Briar is horrified the more he tells her.

“I went home to my mum’s for a while. Then flew back to the US and just went back to work. I can’t say I’ve done anything substantial since then.”

“Oh, stop. You renovated a gorgeous house. You started going back to Wynnewood. You’ve become your own boss,” Briar rattles off his accomplishments.

“I just thought I’d be married by now,” Harry chokes up a bit. She moves to his side of the table, leaning her head on his shoulder.

“I know this is ironic coming from a 23 year old; but, there’s no timeline on life, baby. You faced adversity and are moving on from it. That takes a lot of courage.”

Harry chuckles, wiping away a stray tear. Briar is so emotionally intelligent for a 23 year old.

They leave the café, opting to go back to Harry’s house. They grab books from his shelf and read them outside on his comfy lounge chair under the cabana, hoping the sunshine heals them both. Harry eventually dozes off, finally achieving deep sleep after a rocky 24 hours.

Briar massages his head, twirling his curls in between her fingers. As much as she wants to comfort him, she can’t help her tendencies to meddle.

She visits Niall’s Instagram, immediately checking his following list. She scrolls, closely examining every profile to find even a tiny breadcrumb that could lead her to Camille. Harry never said her last name, so she’ll have to pull out the big guns of internet stalking.

Nothing stands out tremendously; He doesn’t follow many people. Just a few OnlyFans models, golf companies and Barstool Sports. She spots a familiar name, Lydia…Where does she know that name from?

Briar’s thumb gives one last ditch effort scroll, when she lands on an account: @Fingermonkey

She clicks on it, and her heart immediately stops. Camille. The woman who made her boyfriend lose sight of who he was. The account is public, so she cautiously proceeds.

She’s a striking woman; she can see why Harry fell for her. She exudes beauty and class. It’s almost palpable.

Briar shudders, unsure if she should continue. She’s on her page for selfish reasons; to see Harry’s son. Her curiosity gets the best of her. She scrolls some more, before stopping at a photo of a tiny hand. Briar bites her lip, staring back down at Harry.

“No going back,” she whispers to herself.

After another few scrolls, she finds what she’s looking for. It’s from around 5 years ago. Camille is holding a tiny boy with dark brown curls and green eyes, bright as day. They’re on the swings, bright smiles adorning their faces.

Briar feels like she’s been sucker punched in the stomach. He’s a beautiful little boy. A boy Harry never even got the chance to love and help raise. She takes several deep breaths and scrolls back even further to 8 years prior.

Another blow. The engagement photos.

Briar winces, zooming in. They seem to be taken in California, just as the sun is setting. Camille is holding Harry’s face as she kisses him, the ring being the main focal point. She reads the caption:

J'ai trouvé mon éternité.

I found my forever.

She clicks off Camille’s page, rolling her eyes. She clears the search history, knowing she’s been caught stalking in the past.

Briar has so many questions.

Does she want Harry to find her? Why is Niall still following her?

Briar is physically at Wynnewood, but mentally elsewhere. After her stalking session, Harry woke up feeling better, so they decided she should go home. As much as he loves her company, he always needs alone time to process things. She was happy to oblige, needing her own time to breathe.

Briar is taking inventory after her shift when she spots Niall on the practice green. A lump forms in her throat, but she knows she needs to confide in him. He smiles, waving her over.

“Hey, Briar. I heard about the other day. I was up in the clubhouse already when everything went down. How’re you doing?” He asks, pulling her in for a hug.

“I’m good, thanks for asking. Everything was taken care of, so I just needed some time to shake it off.”

He nods, fiddling with his putter. Niall looks around, not really sure what else to say.

“Hey, Niall, can I ask you something?”

His eyes go wide, clearing his throat, “Listen, if it’s about Lydia and I…”

Finally, it clicks. Lydia from the party. Lydia who told her she’s also dating someone from the club. Briar gasps, “I, uh, what?”

“Fuck.”

Briar crosses her arms in front of herself, “Um, I was just going to tell you that Harry told me about Camille, and about the baby.”

“Fuuuuck,” Niall scratches the back of his head. “Can you ignore what I said before?”

Briar laughs, “For now. We can talk about that later. I just wanted to see if you had other insight. It was obviously a very emotionally charged conversation.”

“Yeah. Are you off now? Do you want to go inside for a drink?”

She nods and waits for him to clean up his stuff. They walk back to the clubhouse in silence, so Briar grabs a table outside while Niall changes in the locker room. The club is empty enough, so she’s not worried about members seeing them together.

He sits down, sighing, “I-I don’t really know how to proceed. Do you just want to tell me what he’s told you?”

“Sure,” she says quietly. Briar begins filling him in about their dinner at Ashmont and Jonathan revealing more than Harry was willing to share. Her heart races as she shares more details.

“That’s tough, darling. I know he was going to tell you eventually. The situation absolutely wrecked him. It took years to feel like I had my friend back.”

She nods, biting her lip, staring down at her shoes. Harry bought her a pair of lavender and white New Balances; her initials stitched in the tongue.

“You’re a very rational person, even at your age,” he smiles, leaning to put his elbows on his knees. “So, I know you’ll both work through it. But, what are your feelings?”

Briar sucks in a breath. “I’m not angry, and I want to support him, of course. But, I can’t help but have this sinking feeling in my stomach. I did some Instagram stalking.”

“You found Camille on there?”

“Yeah, through your account,” she waits for Niall to look back up at her.

He meets her eyes, “I keep a distance. I don’t speak to her or our mutual friends from study abroad. But I like to keep tabs. He’s my mate and I want to protect him.”

Briar nods, picking the skin at her cuticles.

“He’s a cute kid, isn’t he?” Niall smiles.

“Yeah, he is. Harry didn’t deserve that. At all,” she says, sitting back in her seat. “Should I meddle? Or just stay out of it?”

“I would hate to see this kid get any older without meeting his father. And, if you think you’ll be,” he trails off, smiling to himself. “Sticking around for a while, I think you have the influence on him to face it head on.”

“I hope I’ll be sticking around for a while,” she smiles.

Briar feels slightly better after talking to Niall. She has to remember to ask Harry if he knew about Lydia.

Briar was in need of some cathartic release. If Harry was willing to face this obstacle, she’s willing to face hers. She sits in the driver’s seat of her Jeep and scrolls her list of contacts before landing on Catherine Barlowe.

She dials, going through several cycles before finally being answered on the final ring.

“Hi, Bri. How are you, sweetheart?”

“Hi, Mom. I’m good, how are you?”

“I’m so good, honey. I’m so happy to hear from you. Dean and I are actually getting ready to move in a few weeks.”

“Oh? Where are you going?” Briar scrunches her eyebrows. That means her mom is selling the house she bought with her dad. The house she lived her first 9 years in before her mother’s addiction led to the 5 of them being placed with her aunt and uncle.

“I thought your brother may have told you. We’re going to California, honey.”

“Who? I thought the last time we all saw you was at Christmas time? And why California?”

“Jasper. He comes to see me. A lot more recently. The other boys only contact me when you do. I don’t think I’ll ever hear from Welles on his own,” Catherine sighs. “Dean is from California. He has young daughters, so we’re moving there to be closer to them. You remember? I told you about them.”

Tears begin welling in Briar’s eyes. Her mother, now 4 years sober and remarried gets to go play house with Dean’s young children. Instead of tending to her own.

“Yeah, I remember. There’s three of them, right? But they weren’t at the wedding,” Briar says quietly, remembering the rushed ceremony that took place the week after they finished their program together. Welles was furious, Jasper and Callum didn’t say a word, and Cormac cried the entire time. Patrick couldn’t bear to go. Meredith went in support of the siblings.

“Yes, he didn’t have custody rights at the time. But, that’s all settled now. We’re so happy, Bri.”

“I’m glad, Mom. Listen, I have to go, but I wanted to see if you’d be interested in going out to lunch soon. I’d like you to meet my boyfriend,” she rasps out.

“That sounds great, honey. Just text me the details. Talk soon.”

“Bye,” Briar chokes, throwing her phone into the passenger seat. She takes a few deep breaths to regulate her breathing. The tears continue to fall as she pulls out of the parking lot of Wynnewood.

Her phone begins to buzz, seeing Harry’s contact photo pop up.

“Hi,” she says solemnly before placing the phone between her shoulder and ear.

“Hi, Birdie. Are you okay?” He asks, sensing her tone.

“Yeah, yep, I’m good. What’s up?��

“Nothing, I figured you’re leaving Wynnewood. Was gonna see if you want to grab Gus and come over. I can make us dinner.”

“Um, I’m kind of tired. Think I’m just gonna go home, if that’s alright.”

“No, yeah, of course, love. Are you sure you’re alright?”

“Yes, I promise. I’ll text you when I get home, okay?”

“Okay,” he says softly. “Bye.”

She hangs up, not even bothering to say bye. Briar knows she shouldn’t take it out on Harry, but she’s struggling to hold herself together. She hears a crack of thunder before feeling thick rain drops hit her face.

“Fuck!”

Briar never put her Wrangler’s roof back on the other day. The droplets get more intense as she nears her apartment. Pulling into her spot, she frantically runs to her storage area to grab her roof parts.

It’s down pouring now, but she charges forward with her parts, lining them against the car. Her biceps are burning trying to lift the piece on top of the car. Tears are starting to roll down her face, her hair beginning to stick to her neck.

Briar squeezes her eyes closed, defeated as she feels two arms wrap around her. She whips her head around, startled by her boyfriend.

“What’s going on, love? Let me help,” Harry says, pulling her down from the step of her Jeep. She steps to the side under her apartment’s overhang, watching him effortlessly put the roof of her Jeep back together. He’s absolutely soaked, his gray sweatpants now a charcoal color. She watches the way his back muscles move under his white t-shirt.

He fastens the parts from the inside of the car before grabbing her backpack in one hand, and her hand in the other. He guides her to her apartment while fumbling with her keys. Gus greets them at the door, unsure who to go to first.

Harry sits Briar down on her ottoman before grabbing the fuzzy blanket from her sofa.

“What’s going on? I’m a little scared,” Harry says, his eyes full of concern.

She takes a shaky breath before sobs take over her whole body. She folds in on herself, burrowing into the blanket.

“I-I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry,” she wails. Harry is stunned, unsure what she’s apologizing for.

“I should be supporting you and here I am getting so overwhelmed and then trying to deal with my own bullshit,” Briar cries. He places his hand gently on her back.

“Baby, I’m lost. Did something happen today?”

“I called my mom. She’s moving to California to raise her new husband’s kids,” Briar cries, snot pouring from her nose. “I should’ve fucking known. I don’t even know why I called.”

Harry can’t help but feel a little guilty. He mentioned it at their breakfast to get himself out of the hot seat. She took his bait.

“And because I can’t stop meddling, I looked up Camille online,” she confesses. “I even talked to Niall about it all.”

Harry freezes. He figured she would confide in Niall. But he didn’t think she’d look Camille up. He’s too afraid to ask what she found.

Harry guides her to sit up. He grabs her cheeks with one hand and makes her face him, “Hey. Hey. I need you to breathe, Briar.”

Briar cries harder at his use of her name. She can feel herself start to hyperventilate. He wraps himself around her tight. He holds her until she stops shaking. Gus has brought them 5 of his toys to try and lighten the mood.

“Gus, go to your bed,” Harry commands, voice deep. Briar flinches.

She lifts her head, taking in a deep breath.

“I hurt my own feelings today. I went looking for information I shouldn’t’ve,” she admits quietly.

“I think we all do that sometimes. Which part do you want to talk about first?”

Briar loves how diplomatic Harry is. Even when they have their spats, he always makes her feel like an equal partner. She also loves when he completely dominates her in the bed right after.

“W-we can talk about my mom,” she says, assuming that’s the easier of the two. “Her husband has 3 young daughters. So, now my mom gets a do-over. Poof. Our family is just out of the picture.”

Harry sighs. His father did something similar after his parents divorced. It stung for years, and took time to mend. Now they’re very close.

“That’s awful, Birdie. I’m so sorry. Are you going to see her before she leaves?”

She nods, wiping her nose on his chest, “Yeah, told her about you. Apparently my brother has been visiting her in secret. I’m so angry.”

He smiles lightly, “I’m happy to come along. Or not. Whichever makes you more comfortable. Don’t hold it against him. You all have to deal with things differently.”

“Thank you,” she says.

“Of course, baby. Now, do you want to tell me about the other situation?”

“Only if you want to. I crossed a line,” she starts to cry again.

She wraps her hand within his, squeezing tightly. Comfortable silence is usually never an issue for them, but the tension could be cut with a knife.

“Well, social media is public information, baby. I could’ve done it years ago, but never did.”

“I saw him,” Briar blurts out. It was now or never.

Harry closes his eyes, feeling nauseous. He takes a deep breath through his nostrils, “Oh yeah?”

“Yeah. He’s gorgeous, Harry. Really,” she sniffles. “You shouldn’t give up. She’s wrong for what she did. And I want to help you fight for this.”

He can’t help but feel his heart swell with pride. His tough girl is ready to sit in the trenches with him. To fight the biggest demon holding him back from his happiness.

“I wrote a letter years ago,” Harry starts. “Let’s send it.”

Briar gasps, sitting up to face him, “I don’t want you to feel pressured by me.”

“I’m not. I’m not sure if this is too soon, but I already know I want to keep you around for a long, long time. This will help me get over my last hurdle.”

Briar cradles his face, kissing him gently.

“I’m yours, if you’ll have me.”

They huddle together.

Briar starts to snicker, “Did you have any idea that Niall and Lydia, the server from the club, are dating?”

Harry’s head shoots up, “Huh?”

“Okay, good. I would’ve been pissed if you hid that from me."

“How’d you find out?”

Briar laughs, “I said, ‘Hey, Niall, can I ask you something?’ And he confessed immediately.”

Harry throws his head back laughing.

Harry is in his study, silently reading his letter from years ago. His tears are falling onto the paper, dotting and blurring the ink. He was 32 when he wrote this. It sounds old, but he was a kid. It was hard to keep him at home. He had access to disposable income, so he used it to its fullest.

Camille lived a simple life, finding pleasure in gardening, reading and going to cafés. Her job always came first, which kept her busy traveling around the world. Harry was restless; always chasing the next big thing, and partying until his body physically shut down.

It didn’t help that he was a touchy person. Even though Camille had his whole heart, he shamelessly flirted with other women. He let them hang on him at bars, on yachts, and anywhere he could get attention. People in their circle talk; leaving Harry in the hot seat more than once.

He’d be naïve to blame it on Camille’s attachment style. She was generally cold, not showing him much affection. But, nonetheless he pursued her, absolutely enamored by her beauty and grace.

He was dumb enough to suggest an open relationship one time; about 6 years into the relationship. His needs in bed became too much for Camille. She didn’t understand his need to get off and dominate her. He slept at a hotel every night that week. She gave him an out, but he couldn’t take it.

When Camille left, he started hooking up with women more regularly. His heart hurt so bad, but he was finally getting his physical needs met. None of them lasted, until Briar.

Over the course of 8 years, his heart slowly healed. It’s not ideal that Briar is so much younger, and an employee of his country club. There’s a strange power dynamic there. He loved how flustered she got when he looked at her; she still does sometimes, but he can feel the difference.

They bring encourage each other’s confidence. They drive each other to be a better version of themselves. They feed each other’s deepest desires; scratching every itch that had been culminating over several years.

Harry begins rewriting the letter; changing the tone from blinding rage, to one of neutrality. He wishes her well. He hopes she’s healed.

From what? He’s not sure. He hopes she understands his point of view, and will consider letting Harry meet his child. He’d do anything at this point.

He seals up the letter, addressing it to Camille. Not even sure she still lives at this address, he walks it out to his mailbox anyway, lifting the red flag to signal the post man.

He feels weight lift from his chest that had been there since the day he met Camille.

Briar and Harry are sitting at a nice restaurant on the water. She sips gingerly at her mojito while they wait for her mother to arrive. Briar extended the invite to her brothers, but received radio silence from them all.

She’s anxiously bouncing her leg, to which Harry firmly grasps her thigh as he locks his jaw. She inhales sharply, closing her eyes. After the emotional turmoil they’ve experienced over the last few weeks, their sex life has toned down immensely. She misses his hand around her neck and his dirty whispers.

“Relax. I’m right here,” Harry whispers in her ear lowly.

Briar gasps when three of her brothers appear from the restaurant’s entryway. Jasper must’ve picked up Callum and Cormac from Patrick’s.

Briar stands to hug her older brothers, while Harry pulls Cormac in for a hug.

“Where’s Welles?”

“Not sure. I haven’t heard from him,” Callum says simply.

She rolls her eyes. He’s 28, but he is the most immature out of all of them.

They sit, easing into a conversation with Harry. She’s grateful she can entertain them while she’s somewhere else in her head. He reaches over to lock pinkies.

Her mother walks in, looking stunning. That’s one thing that Briar has always been jealous of. It’s why her addiction flew under the radar for so long. She was always put together and exuding happiness. But in secret, she was struggling.

Her strawberry blonde hair is longer than when she saw her last, loose waves falling over her shoulders. She’s in a floor length floral gown, a sweater over her shoulders to fight the chill of the restaurant.

She spots them after speaking with the hostess, her smile lighting up the room.

“Hi, my babies!”

Jasper stands to greet her, while her other brothers hold in a groan. She walks around the circular table to press a kiss to Briar’s head, before turning her attention to Harry.

“And who’s this? Don’t think I popped him out,” she laughs, waiting for Harry to stand up.

“Mom, seriously?” Briar grimaces.

“Hi, I’m Harry. It’s a pleasure to finally meet you,” Harry says smiling, pulling out the chair for her.

“Pleasure is all mine, Harry. I’m Catherine. Isn’t my daughter incredible?”

Harry smiles, nodding. He can sense Briar’s discomfort. He assumes this praise is just for show.

Her mother brings up every topic under the sun, effectively avoiding topics regarding Briar’s father, the move, and her new husband.

They eat, letting Cormac talk about school, Callum talk about grad school and his new girlfriend, and Jasper about his new job. Briar realizes she’s done a shit job at talking to her brothers lately. She doesn’t know any of this.

“Where’s Wellie, Briar? Didn’t you invite him?”

“I did. Didn’t hear from him.”

“It would’ve been nice for you to follow up with him,” Catherine snipes. “It’s not everyday I get to see all five of you.”

“Really? How about you? When was the last time you talked to him?” Briar crosses her arms at her mother.

“It doesn’t matter. This is family time,” Catherine raises her eyebrows, waiting for Briar to snap.

“You know all about that, don’t you mom? Just counting down the minutes until you can go play house with Dean’s kids in California.”

Callum and Cormac look between the two women, stunned. Jasper’s eyes widen.

“California?” Callum questions. “Mom, what is she talking about?”

Catherine looks around, “I thought Jasper would’ve filled you all in. I’m moving to California with Dean to be closer to his kids. They’re younger.”

Jasper looks down, pushing the vegetables around on his plate. Callum shakes his head, throwing his napkin on the table before storming off. Cormac starts to cry, to which Harry puts a hand on his back.

“Mom, how can you leave?” Cormac asks, his lip quivering.

“Baby, you’re all adults. You don’t need me anymore.”

“I’m only 17, Mom,” Cormac chokes.

Briar has tears streaking down her face. Briar hasn’t needed her mother since she was 12 years old, hoping and praying for her to come back. Cormac barely knew her; only fantasizing what their relationship could’ve been.

Harry pays the bill before suggesting Catherine leaves. She nods, standing to grab her purse. She silently looks each of her children in the eye before walking out of the restaurant.

“I’m sorry, Bri. I thought she changed,” Jasper says solemnly.

“It’s okay. You deserve to handle your relationship with her however you want.”

Harry and Briar walk out hand in hand after spending 20 minutes consoling her brothers.

They climb into Harry’s car, silently staring ahead. Harry grabs her hand again.

“That was rough, pup. I’m sorry,” Harry says softly.

“Can we just go home? I miss you, Daddy.”

Harry clears his throat as his cock twitches.

“You have me, Birdie. Let’s go home.”

“Be rough with me,” Briar pleads from the bed. “I want it so bad.”

Harry chuckles as he pulls his belt from the loops on his pants. She’s completely bare, her wrists fastened to each corner of the bed. He opts to leave her feet out of the restraints, hoping he can toss her around a bit.

“Daddy’s been taking it easy on his Birdie for the last couple weeks,” Harry says, trailing his knuckle along her rib cage. She keens, shivering from the light touch. “But don’t think I forgot about your stunt at Ashmont.”

Briar freezes, remembering their escapades. She taunted him, removing her panties in the stall, waiting for him to come after her. It’s a shame the night turned into a disaster soon after. She whines, not sure what else to do.

“Hm? Remember that, Birdie? Words,” he stares straight into her eyes.

“Yes, Daddy. I was naughty,” she bites her lip.

He doesn’t like that. He shoves his middle and ring fingers into her mouth, choking her a little. “Leave that lip alone. I bite that.”

She purrs around his digits, goosebumps rising on her skin. He removes them from her mouth before sticking them at her core. He barely grazes her folds, seeing how she’ll react. She jerks around, slightly moving her pelvis to meet his hand.

“Ah, ah. No. You’ll be taken care of how I decide.”

She nods, swallowing thickly. She’s eating up everything he throws at her.

“Think I’m gonna take my time tonight,” Harry let’s out an exaggerated sigh. Briar whines, pushing her face into her shoulder. “Mm-mm. None of that.”

Harry pushes Briar’s legs in the air, holding her ankles together, so the lips of her vagina are peaking out between her thighs. He growls at the sight.

“This little pussy is so used to getting what she wants. What does she want tonight, Birdie?”

“Your mouth, Daddy! Please!” Briar balls her fists, wiggling slightly.

Harry spits, watching the liquid drip down her thighs and cunt, “Nah, I’m good.”

Briar’s jaw locks in frustration. She watches as he walks to his closet grabbing her plug and vibrator. He generously applies lube to the plug, gently circling her ass. Briar closes her eyes, laying her head back.

He gently pushes the plug in past the tight muscle, moving it in and out a little.

“Oh my godddd,” Briar exhales. Her chest is rising and dropping fast.

“I think tonight’s the night, baby.”

Briar whines, half out of horniness and the other out of nervousness. He flicks the vibrator on, pressing it firmly on her clit. She throws her head to the side.

“Look at me. Don’t look over there,” Harry threatens, increasing the speed.

She wills her eyes open, staring into his, her mouth opening slightly. The tension is building in her pelvis. She’s sure to come once he starts circling the vibrator on her clit; his signature move. Within seconds of him doing that, she’s crumbling.

Harry shuts off the vibrator and adjusts her leg position so her legs are open wide, one resting on his shoulder.

“Wanna see your pretty face when I fuck your ass,” He says, peppering kisses on her face and neck.

“Please,” Briar whispers.

Harry reaches between them and pulls the plug out and tosses it on the floor. He’ll clean it later. He extends his hand to rest in front of her face.

“Spit.”

She spits on his fingertips, a line of spit connecting them to her lips. He lowers his hand to lightly touch her hole before inserting his middle finger. Briar groans, pulling on her restraints. He quickly inserts another, rocking them in and out of her gently.

Harry’s cock is neglected, standing tall and proud, nearly touching the tip to his torso. Briar begins to panic, unsure if his girth will fit in there.

“Relax, baby. I got you. Do you remember your word?” He says, petting her cheek.

“Bogey,” she says softly.

“Good girl,” he kisses her again. Harry has never withheld kisses, even in her worst punishments. “One more and then we’ll go for it, okay?”

“Mhm,” she nods, a single tear escaping her eye. She trusts her boyfriend with her entire being, but her heart rate is skyrocketing.

The third digit enters her, eliciting a whine. Harry flexes his fingers, giving her a delicious stretch. A thick layer of sweat has formed behind her knees and on her forehead.

Harry kisses her forehead, licking the saltiness from his lips, “All good, Birdie. Doing so well for me.”

After a few more minutes of stretching her out, Harry pulls his fingers out and lowers himself to be eye level with her ass. He licks a long stripe over the now open hole. Briar shivers, pulling on the restraints.

Harry rises from his spot on the bed to pull his underwear all the way off, his cock bobbing as he moves. He grips his length firmly, giving himself a few generous pumps. He kneels over her, undoing her right hand’s restraint. She looks at him curiously, but understands when he entwines their hands.

He uses his right hand to line himself up at her delicate center. Briar sucks in a breath in anticipation. Harry presses the bulbous head of his dick in, groaning as he moves. His pace is painstaking, taking in every facial expression from the angel below him.

“Such a good girl. Letting Daddy be the only one to fuck this little hole,” he pants, nostrils flaring. His forehead is starting to drip with sweat.

“Only you,” she whines as he pushes in little by little.

“Let me know if you need me to stop and take a break, lovie.”

She furiously shakes her head, still holding in a breath. Harry is finally working his way up to full thrusts.

“Breathe with me,” Harry pleads. “1,2,3, exhale.”

Briar feels high. That breath sent her senses all the way to her pussy.

“Daddy,” Briar breathes heavily.

“What do you need, baby?”

“Fingers. I-In my pussy,” she cries. “Please.”

“Okay, baby. I know y’empty in there,” he smiles down at her lovingly as he untangles their fingers so he can stick them inside. “So wet f’me.”

The sensations are too much once he starts petting her g-spot with his fingers.

“Coming, Daddy,” she babbles.

“Go ahead, Birdie. So fucking proud of you.”

She squeezes her eyes closed, letting out a cry of relief as she hits her wall.

Harry chuckles at her babbling. She is fucked out to high heaven. He wants one more out of her before he comes. He alternates thrusting into her ass and fingering her pussy. He releases her other hand from the restraint. She’s too distracted, so her hand remains in the same spot.

“Rub your little clit, baby. One more f’me.”

“Ugggghnnnn,” Briar whines, drool coming out of her mouth. She circles her clit three more times before she’s clenching hard on his fingers and cock.

The squeeze of her ass pushes Harry into his own orgasm, a ringing forming in his ear. He gives two last lazy thrusts, emptying himself into her. He closes his eyes and hangs his head low before slowly pulling out.

Briar squawks, so he shushes her gently. Harry could come again at the sight in front of him. His come is leaking out of her ass hole, dripping onto the sheets below. He picks some up with his finger, smearing it on her pussy. She mewls, her head lolling to the side.

“So fucking good for me. Gorgeous, baby.”

Harry takes a mental image before hustling to the bathroom. He starts the bath, making sure to throw some epsom salt and lavender oil in there. He wets a towel with warm water for Briar, and throws two towels into his towel warmer.

He reenters the bedroom to find his girl curled up, her back to him. He runs his knuckles down her protruding spine. Harry gently dabs the towel along her labias and ass to clean up.

“Birdie, I ran us a bath. Gonna lift you,” Harry coos. Her eyelashes flutter as she looks up at him with moony eyes.

Harry lifts her from her armpits and knees, and swiftly carries her to the tub. Her eyes are shut, but she rests her head on his chest. He’s become a pro at maneuvering themselves into the tub.

Harry positions Briar at the front of the tub, before finding his seat at the back. He leans forward to pull her body to his chest. Harry closes his eyes and rolls his neck along the edge of the porcelain tub, listening to their uneven breaths.

He plays with Briar’s hair; twirling the long pieces between his fingers. She hasn’t said a word, but he knows she’s elsewhere right now. He moves his fingertips to her scalp, gently scratching around the nape of her neck, hoping she’ll come back to him soon.

“Mmmmm,” Briar hums, smiling to herself.

Harry smiles, increasing the pressure and speed like he’s petting Gus.

“Stop,” Briar whines, her hair now in her face.

“Sorry, Birdie. How do you feel?”

“Good. Sleepy,” Briar yawns.

“Hungry? I can order us something,” Harry taps her sides.

“Can we have Caesar salads and Diet Cokes?” She cranes her neck to look back at him.

Harry laughs, “Sure, baby.”

“And french fries.”

“You got it,” Harry leans down and kisses her.

Briar is staying at Harry’s while he’s in the city for a few in-person meetings. It’s been nice; she does yoga outside in the mornings, takes Gus for walks around the picturesque neighborhood, and cooks using his expensive appliances.

🦊: Hi, Birdie.

🐥: Hi Daddy

🦊: Miss me yet?

🐥: I like being able to lay sideways in your bed

🦊: You can do that when I’m there.

🐥: You’re too hard

🦊: How’d you know? Send me a picture.

🐥: It’s 10AM. Pay attention to your meeting

🦊: I’m not asking.

Though Harry isn’t home, Briar still walks around his house scantily clad. An idea to terrorize her boyfriend pops into her head. Bolting up the stairs, Briar grabs her plug from Harry’s special area in his closet. She smirks to herself, feeling the cool metal in her hand. She walks outside, peering over Maureen’s fence to ensure no one will witness what she’s about to do.

She gathers spit in her mouth before lubricating the plug. She places one foot on the lounge chair for leverage, before nudging the plug past her entrance. Waddling around, she moves two lounge chairs to face one another. Propping her phone up on one, she shuffles to the other to get into position. She removes her sleep tank top and silk shorts, staring up into the sky to get some sun on her face.

She kneels, making sure to pop her ass out more. The phone is set to video so she can take screen shots of the poses she likes best. Or just send the whole damn video to him.

She makes sure to twist her body to fake some curves, looking over her shoulder and touching her hair. She fiddles with the plug, making her whine.

Yup, she’s sending the video.

After a few minutes, she gets up from the lounge chair, being sure to flash the camera. She grabs the phone, scanning it over her body before blowing a kiss.

Delivered

Looking around again, she quickly throws her clothes back on, opting to leave the plug in for the day. Gus joins her outside, laying on the chair opposite hers. She has an urge to shut her phone off completely, just to push Harry’s buttons a little more.

Her quiet morning is interrupted by her ringtone blaring. She picks up without saying anything.

“Do you think you’re funny?”

“Who is this?” Briar is holding back laughter.

“I am in a meeting, little girl. You sent that video when all I told you to send was a photo.”

“So are you jerking yourself in the bathroom?”

“What a fucking mouth on you, huh? And yeah, your little video is causing a problem,” Harry grits.

Briar whines, “Don’t you wish it was my little hand, Daddy? Or my mouth?”

Harry slams his fist against the bathroom stall. His neck vein is protruding as he growls.

Briar is full on smiling to herself. She’s not particularly horny right now, but she’s happy to aid Harry with his issue. She can hear his panting increase before a clattering of the phone.

“Harry?”

“Fuck, I dropped my phone,” he laughs incredulously.

“Oh my, well, maybe I should let you go,” Briar trails off.

“No, baby. Almost done. Just tell Daddy how much you love,” he groans. “Love him.”

“I love you, Daddy. So much. Come for me,” Briar says, leaning into her chair.

Harry releases into the toilet with a strangled moan. He prays to God the conference room walls are thick. He grabs a wad of toilet paper to wipe down his misfires before flushing.

“Thanks, Birdie. You’re in so much trouble when I’m home. Love you.”

“Okay, bye.”

She hangs up, shaking her head. She looks over her shoulder to see Maureen standing at the fence, watering her plants. Briar gives her a tight smile and wave, to which Maureen grimaces in response.

Briar lounges for a few hours before feeling intense boredom. She cleans a little bit, making sure to dust Harry’s various trinkets from his travels. She lightly wipes a ceramic elephant he got in Thailand, a Russian nesting doll from his time in St. Petersburg, and a clay shark from South Africa. While Harry has been all over the globe, the two share a desire to one day back back in South America. She hopes a llama trinket will one day sit on this shelf.

It’s been a few weeks since the lunch with Briar’s mom and since Harry sent the letter to Camille. While she’s happy Harry is attempting to get to know his son, Briar can’t help but feel extreme anxiety. Why hasn’t Camille responded?

The shrill sound of the doorbell and Gus’s subsequent bark breaks Briar’s train of thought. She can see a figure through the frosted glass of Harry’s front door, lingering at the table of snacks designated for delivery drivers.

Briar can see the UPS logo on the man’s shirt, so she lets him pick his goodies before opening the door. She waved to him as he drives away, looking down at the package at her feet. She wonders if Harry sent her something for when he returns.

Bending over, she’s surprised at the package’s weight. If it were new lingerie, it’d be light. She bends at the knees, inhaling when she lifts the package. Shooing Gus away, she manages to get the package to Harry’s long kitchen table.

She’s wracking her brain what it could be. The entire package is wrapped in brown paper. She flips it over to see the label. Harry’s name written in cursive letters using a Sharpie. Her eyes are drawn to the left hand side; the sender.

C. Rowe 4 Rue Dupetit-Thouars Paris, France 75003

A lump forms in Briar’s throat. It’s been a few hours since she talked to Harry this morning. Her fingers start to dial his number.

“If you’re calling for a follow-up to this morning, I have to let you know that Niall is right next to me.”

She hears Niall groan in the background. When she doesn’t laugh or respond, Harry tries again. “Birdie?”

“Hi, I-I wanted to tell you that a package came f-for you,” Briar chokes out.

Harry scrunches his eyebrows, “Okay, just leave it with the others. Anything else?”

He wants to be sweet with her, but she knows not to call about random things while he’s in meetings.

“I-it’s from Camille.”

Silence. Briar closes her eyes.

Harry sighs, “I see. Okay, thanks for letting me know, pup. I’ll be home tomorrow afternoon. Are you going to be okay until then?”

“Y-yes, I’ll be fine. I’m sorry. I’m not sure why I’m so nervous.”

“It’s okay. This whole thing is a little odd. Just try to take your mind off it. Throw it in my office if you don’t feel like seeing it.”

“Okay, I will. I’ll talk to you later. Love you.”

“Love you.”

Harry sighs. Niall looks over at him empathetically.

“So when were you gonna tell me you’re dating one of the servers?”

Niall’s eyes go wide before rubbing his temples, “She told you?”

“What? Why wouldn’t she? She’s my girlfriend.”

“We’re not dating. We hooked up once...twice.”

“Mhm,” Harry laughs. “Better nip that in the bud, then.”

Niall groans again just as their next meeting begins.

The anticipation is killing Briar. Harry is due home any minute, so she’s pacing between his kitchen and living room. Sitting on the sofa, sitting on the stool, sitting on the chair, standing by the window. She can’t keep still.

She joins Gus in his outburst of barking and running from window to window when they hear Harry’s car pull into the garage. She pokes her head into the garage to see Harry unloading his bags from the back.

She walks over to him, pressing her hands into his chest.

“Hi, Birdie. Missed you,” Harry says, pressing a kiss to her mouth.

“Welcome home,” she smiles back at him.

She grabs the wheeled suitcase, lifting it over the threshold of the door.

“Let me change and we can open it,” Harry says simply. Briar’s stomach drops.

“Okay.”

Briar corrals Gus to the sofa, the two of them perching in the corner seat. Harry changed into colorful sweatpants and a t-shirt that says ‘vote vote vote’. He grabbed the package from his office on his way back into the main living room.

He places the package on the coffee table. The two of them stare at it silently.

“Are you sure you don’t want to do this alone?”

“Mm, no, it’s okay. If there’s a letter, then I’ll read that on my own.”

Briar nods, waiting for him to open the box.

Harry peels the brown paper from the edges, tearing straight through his and Camille’s names.

He removes the paper in its entirety, examining the oversized shoe box before pulling the lid off. He places it off to the side while peering at the contents. From first glance, it looks like junk.

He scrunches his eyebrows when he spots one of his old shirts. Did Camille really use this as an opportunity to send his shit back?

He moves the shirt to reveal a few envelopes, a baby rattle, a small pair of vans, a stuffed dog, and drawings.

Harry opens one of the envelopes to find a stack of Polaroid pictures. He can feel his eyes start to sting. They’re in chronological order, showing his son grow from a tiny baby to an excited 7 year old. Briar has her head on his shoulder, silently viewing the photos. The birth photo has words scribbled in Sharpie at the bottom.

Oliver Styles Rowe 18-11-2016 3.3kgs | 53 cm

Harry is crying now. Briar rubs his back, trying to encourage him to keep going.

He flips through the photo, feeling vomit bubble up his throat. This kid looks like a lot of fun. Fun that’s killing him to not have been a part of. Camille keeps him well travelled; there are photos from Tokyo, Australia and Mexico.

Unlike most babies, Harry’s had his signature curls from the start. Briar gasps at the photos as they get closer to present day. Oliver is Harry’s twin.

Oliver receives great marks in school; he’s pictured with several certificates and trophies. He even seems to be a footballer.

Harry puts the stack on the coffee table, turning to face Briar.

“Wow,” Harry says, wiping a tear from his eye.

“What’re you thinking?”

“Just heartbroken all over again.”

Harry went into his office to read the letter. He stops at his bar cart to pour himself some tequila.

It’s short, but gives Harry some closure. Over the last 8 years, Camille embraced motherhood by focusing less on work. She meditates, volunteers regularly, and is extremely involved at school activities.

She and Theo, their mutual friend from study abroad, have been together since she moved back. That sends a pang to Harry’s heart. They got married about 5 years ago, and have a little girl named Amélie. She only talks a little about Oliver, saying how much he reminds her of Harry.

Camille apologizes, which Harry didn’t expect. She recognizes cutting him off from his son was wrong. She also left her contact information, followed by the last line.

He would love to meet you. I think it’s time.

Tears are fully falling on Harry’s cheeks as the heaviness of the last 8 years hits him. His son has Styles in his name. He smiles to himself, feeling the butterflies in his stomach.

He shoves the letter in his desk drawer before wiping his eyes. He joins Briar and Gus back in the living room cozied up by the fire.

____________________________________________________________________

OHM YGOD. SOMEONE PLZ TALK TO ME AB BIRDIE AND HARRY I AM LIVINGGGGG

Taglist:

@daphnesutton @pandeebearstyles @anxiouswaterss @gem1712 @stylesfever @awesomenavy @crazygirlinthisworld @butdaddyilovehim-hs @luxiorchive @alchemxx @narry-heart

#harry styles fanfiction #harry styles fanfic #Harry styles smut #harry styles imagine #fairway to heaven #dom!harry #dom!h #daddy!harry #daddy!h

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dez-wade · 1 year ago

Note

I understand how you feel because it sucks when people commit to misinterpreting a character because they're biased against them, especially when said character doesn't speak english as their main language. But people who don't watch Forever's POV aren't going to know everything about him, and that's okay.

Most people aren't doing everything in their power to go against Forever. They are reacting to events in a way that makes sense for their character. It hurts when someone is trying their best and they aren't appreciated, but that's something that is bound to happen on a server like this.

Forever's POV isn't the absolute objective truth and people are allowed to interpret the situation from their own perspective, which is just as valid. People having opinion different from your own isn't an attack, and misunderstanding are a feature, not a bug.

I feel like you want every character and viewer to extend every ounce of understanding and coddeling to Forever, while not being willing to give them the same courtesy.

I don't care if they don't watch his POV or know nothing of his character. No one is obligated to, I don't watch a lot of POVs and I don't plan to.

If you're talking about in RP, I can, as a viewer, be hurt to see a character being misunderstood, but I don't care if the CCs do it because they have no information and that's how it's supposed to work. I can get frustrated to see it happen, exactly like people feel upset when the characters make BBH's issue about not stealing furniture for example. But I won't blame them or get mad at CC, thinking they should know exactly how to treat Forever. I will just be sad because I'm able to watch multiple POVs and thus I am "cursed" with the knowledge they don't have. Knowledge that the characters I follow don't have either, and can't act like the way I wish them to. I'm just reacting as a viewer, I'm not demanding anything. Because otherwise I wouldn't be doing posts on Tumblr, in which no one important will be able to look at and see my "demands".

I'm hurt by how they treat Forever? Yes. Do I think they should change everything to accommodate me, the viewer, or Forever? No. That's their characters, they don't like the government regardless of who's running it. Bad is also a highly paranoic character. I don't think they should change, I just want Forever to be able to befriend people that are not that. Because it's obvious that friendship is doomed because Forever IS the government in a sense. There's no point in making him change, and there's no point in making them change.

For the viewers on the other hand, what I dislike is when people try to make an antagonizing opinion of a situation when a character is involved, and they clearly know nothing about them. They're not obligated to know. But if they don't, why spread misinformation? We, as viewers, have the power to watch or at least try to look for information about the whole situation. So, I'm sorry if I don't like when people talk about stuff they don't know. It's not about opinion, if people dislike a character that's okay. But if people say they dislike a character because of things they made up, it's just very frustrating. And if I'm able to, I WILL talk and defend about a POV I watch and know about.

Also I think you haven't seen my posts where I actually want conflict and didn't want the situation to be resolved where they all understand each other's point of view. I genuinely want them, BBH especially, to mistrust Forever even more and I'm still waiting for that prison he said he'll lock Forever up. I want Forever's actions to be seen even more suspicious in other people's POV. And also, yes, I'll be sad and extremely heartbroken over it but that's what entertainment is all about. Even cc!Forever is hyped with a bit of chaos and of course I am too.

I felt frustration plenty of times with the characters in QSMP but pretty normal average stuff, the things they want you to feel frustrated about. I actually never felt truly mad at CCs and there's not a single character I hate or I dislike. At most, I'm neutral to them. If I don't like a character's relationship doesn't mean I dislike the characters involved. For example, despite wanting q!Forever to move on with his friendship with q!Bad, he is probably my second favorite character and he's ironically the one I have most channel points of.

The fandom on the other hand pisses me off plenty of times. They have no excuses.

#qsmp #i genuinely don't know how to tag this #qsmp discourse #?#qmsp fandom neg #neg #don't know... i'm sorry

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silverwings22 · 7 months ago

Text

Song of the Sea: Chapter 31: Homeless

Chapter warning: complicated feelings, being 'othered', near drowning Series Warning: explicit smut, alien anatomy (it's a monsterfucker fic, guys), major character injury, grief, canon typical violence, autistic meltdowns, and my terrible attempts at Mando'a

Previous Chapter:

Next Chapter:

“You look upset, Baby Mega.” Shiani was sitting on the floor in Omega's room, hairbrush in hand, combing out the tangles of the blonde fluff in front of her. She liked doing little sisterly things with Omega, especially lately when she seemed so out of sorts. She’d been heartbroken since Echo had left, and when the tears stopped there had been a brow-furrowed defiance on her face even Shiani couldn’t quite seem to break through. Shiani chalked it up to Omega starting to grow up, an innocent and naive child morphing into a teenager.

“... Everything is different now, with Echo gone.” Omega said quietly. “We’re a squad, we’re supposed to be together. I wish Hunter hadn’t let him go.”

“Oh, Baby Mega. Come here.” Shiani set the brush down and pulled the girl into her arms with her tentacles. “It’s more complicated than that. Hunter had to let Echo choose.”

“But why would he want to go? Doesn’t he care about us?” Omega stayed hunched over, unhappy and waspish as she’d been for days despite the purple hug she was wrapped up in. She didn’t push Shiani away though, which was progress.

“Of course he cares.” Shiani snuggled her. “But he cares about the other clones too. And they need a Chainbreaker right now, like him.”

“We need him too.” Omega said sullenly.

“We want him. Need is different.” Shiani hooked her chin over Omega’s shoulder. “The Bad Batch has each other. I got you, you got me, we got your brothers, and they got us. Clones trapped in the Empire don’t have anyone, unless Echo and Rex fight for them.”

Omega sighed and snuggled back finally, into the siren’s arms. “You’re starting to sound like Hunter.”

“Hunter loves you like you were his own daughter.” Shiani smiled. “For me, you are a baby sister. We have fun. We get in trouble together. But it’s still my job as big sister to help you learn and keep you safe. They’ll be your alibi, I’ll be your accomplice.”

Omega sighed. “I appreciate it, Shiani… Sorry I’ve been kinda grumpy lately.”

“You have a hard time with change. You’re not the only one.” Shiani rubbed her face across the girl’s hair like a tooka.

“What are you talking about? The guys act like nothing happened when Echo left, especially Tech.” Omega huffed, crossing her arms. “Does he even have feelings? He doesn't even act like he’s in love with you!”

“Grumpy Mega is back.” Shiani observed out loud, resting her hands on Omega’s shoulders and squeezing lightly. “Maybe, if you take the time to understand your brothers instead of being frustrated that you don’t, you will see.”

Omega gave her another unhappy look, but the furrows in her brow softened. “How come you don’t get mad at them?”

Shiani thought back to the Senate, and Chuchi’s whisper for her to control her temper lest it be taken poorly. She’d thought about those words for weeks now, waking up in a cold sweat as it dawned on her what the kind Senator had been warning her about.

Don’t scare them, or you’ll lose all credibility. They’ll think you’re a monster, and call for your death like an animal. You and every siren on Kamino.

“I... don’t have the luxury of getting angry, Baby Mega.” She said softly. “Not the way other species do… and especially not with people I care about.”

Omega looked back at her. “What do you mean?”

“People don’t know sirens. Not like they do other races… they know not to let Wookiee and Trandoshan in the same room, or expect Togruta to eat vegetables.” She ran her fingers through Omega’s hair gently, careful with her claws. Humans were inherently soft, breakable to her strength, and a child was even softer. “They don’t know what to expect with me. If I hiss or show teeth, they get scared. If you know about other races, you can say Commander Venomor and Cid aren’t the same even though they’re both Trandoshans. Or that Hunter and Rampart are different even though they’re both humans.”

Omega nodded, putting her hands on Shiani’s tentacles draped around her waist. “So because you’re the only siren off of Kamino, people think every siren is like you.”

Shiani nodded. “And unknown things scare people. Siren anger looks like a monster to them when they don’t know who we are.”

“But isn’t anger a part of sentient nature? Especially when you have a reason to be angry.” Omega leaned back against Shiani’s chest.

“Yes, until they don’t consider you sentient. When you’re just another vicious lurca they have to put down, the reason for your anger doesn’t matter anymore.” Shiani opened her palms in front of Omega, letting the young girl put her own hands over them and examine the difference between the little brown hands and lethal purple ones. “Only two people in the whole galaxy have never, at least for a little while, considered me a threat. You and Tech.”

“Really?” Omega frowned.

Shiani nodded. “Wrecker got over it first. Echo once reached for a blaster when I raised my voice. Hunter wouldn’t take his eyes off me until after Salucemi, when he started to trust me. The Senate was the same, I had to be so careful not to look angry. I hid my tentacles so they couldn’t see the rings, just so they didn’t think my people were threatening… it was so hard to keep my mouth closed.”

“Does it make you mad?” Omega asked, her own frustration soothed in the cuddle and honesty between them. She never worried about Shiani lying to her, or even sugar coating things too much. Her brothers wanted to protect her, Shiani wanted to share whatever experience it was. Good or bad, the siren had her back.

“A little. Strangers are one thing, but I hate feeling scared of the family’s reaction… but it means I watch carefully. I learn their hearts. It’s easier not to get angry if you understand why they do things.”

Omega huffed. “I thought you were full of feelings.”

“I am. Not all feelings are helpful. Real, yes, but not helpful.”

When the siren faceplanted into her hair and started rubbing her face all over Omega’s head, the girl couldn’t help but laugh a little. “Okay, okay. I’ll… try to understand. But it seems like they don’t care that Echo’s gone and everything is different.”

“Different happens, Baby Mega. Life on the Marauder is very different than Kamino, right?”

“Yeah…” Omega flopped, going limp, and Shiani picked her up in a cradle of tentacles and turned her upside down. “So where are we going anyway? They picked up the mission this morning while I was still sleeping.”

“An ipsium mine.” Shiani explained, continuing to rotate Omega like a puzzle cube. “Tech gave me a debrief. Cid bought a mine, and ipsium is valuable. Well, refined ipsium is. Raw ipsium explodes.”

“So why are we going?”

“To get the ipsium out of the mine. Tech has a little contraption to extract it and keep it safe. As long as we don’t drop the canister or use the drill wrong, we should be fine.”

“Is it a big explosion?” Omega frowned as Shiani finally set her down, oddly relaxed after all the turning. Shiani filed that tidbit away in case she needed to do it again… it had always worked on her and her brother when they were young, and their father would simply lift and rotate them while he did official duties.

“Like a thermal, Tech says. I’d rather not find out what that feels like. Come on, get your gear bag. I gotta get my armor.”

Omega sighed and nodded, trying to keep the short temper she felt brewing in check. Shiani had said to try to understand her brothers, but that seemed so difficult when they kept their emotions in check so tightly.

Once the ship had landed, she followed her brothers and Shiani out. It was arid and hot, with only patches of scrubby grass to denote the entire planet wasn’t, in fact, as dry as Tattooine. “This was the only suitable landing zone.” Tech explained as they made their way down the stepped plateaus to the coordinates of the mine. “It will put the ship slightly out of direct line of sight.”

Shiani sighed, shaking her head. “Can’t be helped.”

It didn’t take them long to find the mining tunnel door, and Tech and Shiani got to work getting it open while Hunter looked out into the horizon. There was a gathering storm in the distance he didn’t like the look of, but it appeared to be moving away from them. “Wrecker. You and Omega keep lookout. We’ll need Shiani.”

“We will need Wrecker in the mines as well. With Echo missing, we are a man down.” Tech glanced at Omega, who crossed her arms at the mention of Echo.

“I can keep watch.” She said almost sullenly, and Shiani resisted the urge to remind her of their conversation on the ship. Scolding a kid who was already unhappy wasn’t going to help, and Omega had to learn to navigate the galaxy’s many personalities on her own. One day, the Batch and Shiani might not be there to guide her.

“Not by yourself.” Hunter shook his head. “Cid warned us about poachers. Keep an eye out and comm us if you see anything or anyone suspicious.”

Omega nodded, though she didn’t brighten up like she usually did when given a task. Shiani followed Tech into the cave, Hunter behind her, and fiddled with her claws her husband started scanning for ipsium.

“She talks to you more than anyone. She okay?” Hunter asked softly.

“She misses Echo.” Shiani sighed. “Change is hard.”

“Soldiers must be adaptable to change.” Tech shook his head, looking up from his datapad.

“Tech, she’s not a soldier. And even you hate change.” Shiani frowned.

“That does not mean I am not adaptable.” He raised an eyebrow at her.

Hunter just shook his head and glanced back towards the mine entrance. “Hopefully she’ll adjust soon… I worry about her.”

“You’re her dad.” Shiani nodded. “You’re supposed to.”

Tech looked up again. “Hunter is not her father. He is her brother, as we all are. She is, technically, older than we are.”

Shiani gestured at Hunter, whose helmet was cocked curiously as he listened to the deranged conversation. Sometimes listening to Tech’s aggressively logical view of the world when it collided with Shiani’s emotions was more entertaining than any holodrama. “But he’s so… father figure.”

Hunter bit back a snicker as Tech just shook his head. “Let us focus on the task at hand, cyar’ika. I am detecting very little ipsium here. It would appear that Cid was scammed into purchasing a depleted mine.”

“Let’s just get what we can.” Hunter sighed. The sooner they got out of here, the sooner he could figure out what to do with Omega. She had been the glue holding them together after losing Crosshair. Now, with her so upset over Echo, the rest of the squad was feeling the cracks. Wrecker and Tech were bickering constantly, and even Hunter found himself snapping at them more than he cared to admit. Shiani was the only one who wasn’t more annoyed than usual… or at least she didn’t act like it. Sometimes he saw her eyes narrow, and she’d rub the sides of her mouth like she was trying to loosen the muscles that pulled it open in anger.

Tech nodded, lightly patting Shiani’s shoulder and pointing as he handed her the precision drill. “Can you get up there, cyare? That glowing yellow substance is the mineral deposit.

She nodded and climbed up, getting the first vial of ipsium. “There’s more inside the little cave here, but my shoulders don’t fit.” She called down.

“I will comm Omega for assistance.” Tech said, but Hunter stopped his arm.

“I’ll comm her. You’ve been pissing her off for days.” The sergeant shook his head and hit his own comm. “Omega, can you come here? We need your help.”

Shiani adjusted the way she was dangling from the side of the rock wall, hanging upside down to look at the two brothers and Omega when she arrived. “Up here, Baby Mega. I’ll show you where.”

Omega held up a hand and Shiani pulled her up to the top of the ledge, pointing out where the ipsium was. Below them, Tech adjusted his goggles. “You must be extremely cautious when drilling into the fossilized quartz around the ipsium. The slightest friction could cause the mineral to become unstable.”

“I know.” Omega grumbled, taking the precision drill from Shiani and getting to work. Shiani sat by her with the empty containment rods, passing them to her once she’d gotten through the quartz. Once the rods were full, Shiani carefully passed them down for Tech to store in his canister.

Shiani watched Omega’s face, scrutinizing her grumpy nose scrunch and hard eyes. It was the same face Tech made when he was annoyed. Once all the ipsium was locked away, she gently patted Omega’s arm. “You okay?”

“Yeah.” Omega nodded, looking lost in thought, as Shiani offered her a hand and they climbed down together. It occurred to the siren that Baby Mega wasn’t going to be a baby much longer at the rate she was going.

They walked out of the dark mine as a group, finding Wrecker looking out into the distance. “Good think you guys finished up when you did. I don’t like the look of that storm.”

Hunter nodded. “Neither do I.”

“The weather is highly irregular on this planet, but we should get back to the ship quickly. We cannot be caught in a lightning storm with something as volatile as ipsium.”

Shiani looked over at him thoughtfully. “Let’s go then.” She could talk to him in the cockpit about trying to smooth things over with Omega. She didn’t like that his own sister thought he didn’t care about things. Of course Tech cared, he just… looked at the galaxy a little differently than the other clones did. She’d always known he was special, after all.

But he was the adult in this situation. She couldn’t put all the onus for change on Omega, who was just a kid having a hard time adjusting-

Her ear fins suddenly pinned back. “Someone’s by the ship.”

Hunter stiffened and swore. “The engine just came online.”

They all raced towards where they’d parked, watching in sick horror as the Havoc Marauder whizzed by them with none of them on board. No one spoke for a long moment as it vanished from sight, taking with it both their way off the planet and their home. Hunter’s eye twitched before he rounded on Wrecker with blazing eyes. “You were supposed to be lookout!”

“There was nobody there!” The giant protested, pushing his helmet up on his head like a hat.

“Clearly, someone was.” Tech crossed his arms, eyes narrowed at Wrecker.

“You’re the one who parked out of sight!” Wrecker’s voice pitched like he was panicking.

“There was no other suitable landing zone. I told you this was a concern, you should have modified your approach for such a situation-”

“Would have or should have doesn’t get the ship back.” Shiani wiggled in the middle of the three brothers. “Now stop. We work together.”

Omega’s newly hardened exterior crumbled a little, heartbreak in her big brown eyes. “There’s got to be a way to get it back.”

Hunter sighed and looked at Tech. “Anything on the scanner?”

Tech shook his head, typing on his datapad. “I am picking up a spaceport about 40 klicks from here. We may be able to get assistance there.”

Shiani looked at Omega, putting a hand on her shoulder. “We’ll find it, Baby Mega.” She whispered. The thunder in the distance made her look up anxiously, then glance at the ipsium container Tech was passing to Wrecker as he worked at his scanner. “Might have to shelter from the storm first, but we’ll find it.”

“40 klicks is going to take forever to walk.” Wrecker grumbled.

“Then we better start walking.” Hunter huffed, still annoyed but softening a little in the light of their current predicament. They were all in this together, at least, and no one was hurt. They could fight about it when they were under shelter.

He waved for everyone to follow him, heading towards a canyon Tech indicated. It was brutally hot in the sun, and Hunter did his best to try to hurry them along so they could seek some respite in the shade of the canyon walls. “How much further?” Wrecker complained, shoulders slumped. He hated this, and it was only worse with the knowledge that technically this was his fault. If he hadn’t missed the ship being taken, they’d be halfway back to Ord Mantell by now.

“You do not want to know.” Tech said dryly. Shiani sensed the undercurrent of frustration he was swallowing, that only made its way out through his tone. This probably wasn’t helping Omega’s perception of him today, but she needed to handle one thing at a time. If they could make it through this without a major fight, it would be a Melody-given miracle.

Next to the siren, Shiani was working at her comm. “Havoc 5 to Havoc 4. Come in Havoc 4.” It was a little heartbreaking to see the girl trying desperately to call Echo, who’s absence was the cause of all her tension. She’d done so well not to call him before, no matter how much she missed him, but this did constitute as the kind of emergency he’d approve of.

He’d probably yell at them for losing the ship, though. He might have been the second in command, but he was the older brother.

Shiani winced. “Baby Mega… without the ship’s long-range transmitter, we won’t be able to get a signal off world.”

“Even if we had the ability to transmit the signal, Echo has disabled his communication device for the time being.” Tech shrugged.

“Why would he disable his comm?” Omega almost stopped walking, eyes wide with hurt. Shiani winced again. Oh, it was going to be a very long day if Tech kept being utterly oblivious of Omega’s distress. Most of the time his obliviousness to subtlety was endearing. When Omega looked like she might be about to cry, it was significantly less so.

“It is likely that whatever mission he is currently on is of a sensitive nature, and therefore he needed absolute radio silence.” Tech shrugged.

Shiani sighed, tugging on his sleeve gently. “Tech.” She whispered, voice as sweet as she could muster. “Maybe it’s not so nice to tell Baby Mega that Echo is ignoring us?”

“That is not what I said. I said he has disabled his comm for a mission.” He frowned, turning his head to look at her.

“She’s still a child, it’s going to feel like-” She paused, turning her head. “.... Uh oh.”

Hunter turned a split second after she did. “Something’s coming. I feel it on the ground.”

“More than one something, and it’s scared. Run!” Shiani pushed Tech and reached back for Omega’s hand, pulling the girl as fast as she could down the gulch. They were trapped by the canyon walls that had only a minute ago seemed blessed for their shade, overtaken by a stampede of blue Ipsidon bucks that ran far faster than they could. A sharp hoof clipped Omega’s shoulder and she fell, taking Shiani down with her by the hand. The siren pulled Omega to her chest and rolled, narrowly avoiding being crushed. She spotted Hunter pulling up his dart gun, so she picked Omega up. “Hunter!”

He looked up and nodded as she lawn-dart threw Omega into his free arm and he shot the dart into an over hanging root system, pulling them both to safety. Tech grabbed Shiani by the the toolbelt as he fired his own dart line, pulling her to safety as well. “Are you alright, cyar’ika?”

She nodded, twisting until she was clinging to him with her legs around his waist and he could hold onto her hip with one arm. “I’m okay. But where’s Wrecker?!”

When a third dart landed between Tech and Hunter’s everyone sighed with relief. Wrecker hauled himself out of danger, hanging lower but out of the way of the piercing hooves. Tech narrowed his eyes. “Where is the ipsium?”

Shiani winced and pointed “On the ground.” She watched the bucks’ hooves coming dangerously close to the canister, trying to figure out how she could protect them from the explosion if it went off. They were sitting ducks, dangling just above the stampede, and if it exploded they’d likely be killed instantly.

Tech had already done the calculations of the likelihood of survive. “Wrecker, you must protect the ipsium!”

“Who’s gonna protect me!?” Wrecker groaned.

“If that canister explodes, all of us will perish.” Tech insisted, holding onto Shiani a little tighter. It was the only outward sign, once again, that he was in any way upset with the situation. Wrecker groaned but dropped back into the midst of the stampede, while Omega yelled his name and tried to reach for him.

“Why’d you tell him to go back?!” She shouted at Tech. “He’ll get hurt!”

“Easy.” Hunter breathed as the stampede passed them by, leaving Wrecker huddled over the ipsium case. Hunter carefully lowered himself and Omega, setting her down first so she could run over and check on Wrecker.

Tech did the same with Shiani and sighed, looking at Wrecker. “Next time, do not drop it.”

“If you’re such an expert, you carry it!” Wrecker grumbled angrily. He was well over being scolded by everyone for what had already happened.

“Very well.” Tech took the case calmly and put it on his back. Shiani sighed, watching Omega put her arms around one of Wrecker’s and give Tech a baleful look. Yeah, they needed to talk this out, but she had no idea how they were ever going to get an opportunity. Without the ship they had no privacy or safety, which seemed necessary for the kind of vulnerability the conversation would require…

She just patted Tech’s arm lightly. “Be nice.” She just said gently.

Hunter looked up. “The storm is getting closer.”

“That would explain the stampede.” Tech frowned.

Shiani squeaked when the wind whipped around her aggressively, sand thrown into her large eyes. She scrubbed at her face. “Anywhere to hide on the scanners, Tech? Lightening and ipsium are a bad combination.”

He consulted his handheld with renewed interest as she clung to his arm, half blinded from the dirt. It was rapidly getting dark, the storm coming for them with prejudice. It was the worst possible combination, as she’d said, and they were running out of time. “There should be a mining tunnel ahead.”

“I see it.” Omega pointed, clinging to Wrecker to avoid her small frame being swept up in the rushing winds. The large clone nodded, pulling her to his side and headed for it. He and Hunter snatched the door open, getting Omega to safety first before climbing in. Tech pushed Shinai forward, Hunter helping her inside when his genius brother tripped.

“Tech!” Shiani yelped in horror as the wind ripped the canister off his bag. It was pulled up, into the cyclone of the storm. Tech’s eyes were bigger than she’d ever seen, watching it vanish into the cloud.

It was going to explode, there was nothing anything they could do to stop it. Shiani leaned out and grabbed Tech’s belt, yanking him into the tunnel door as the roiling mass of crackling lightening and dust smashed the canister into the mountainside. It blew like a thermal, collapsing the tunnel entrance and throwing everyone back inside the mine.

Hunter sat up slowly, rubbing his head through his helmet. “Everyone okay?”

Shiani had landed on top of Tech when they’d been thrown, and inspected him carefully. He nodded. “We’re okay.” She called. “Baby Mega? Wrecker?”

Wrecker nodded. “I’m good.”

Omega sighed, checking herself over. “I’m not hurt either.”

Hunter sighed with relief. “Good. Everyone’s okay…”

“Except we are now trapped inside a mine and have lost the ipsium.” Tech grumbled, sitting up and taking his helmet off to better inspect Shiani’s arms. She had minor bruising, but he still didn’t like it.

“I guess that’s my fault too?” Wrecker snarked loudly, not noticing Omega’s wince.

“If you had not allowed the Marauder to be stolen, we would be halfway back to Ord Mantell with the mineral.” Tech nodded. “So yes.”

“That’s enough out of both of you. The only way out is to dig, so quit arguing and start digging.” Hunter huffed, taking his helmet off to wipe his face.

Shiani nodded, going over to the mouth of the cave to start inspecting the pile of rocks. “This is gonna take hours.” She sighed.

The guys all groaned, but she was right. This was the only way out, and they had no choice but to start shifting rock and hope it didn’t collapse on top of them.

They’d been digging for a while when Shiani took a quick break to check on Omega. The girl had been working at her datapad since they’d started digging. “You okay, Baby Mega?”

“The Marauder’s transponder is offline.” She sounded desolate and heartbroken. Shiani eased down next to her and offered her a hug, which she took and snuggled to the siren’s armored side.

“It was likely disabled by the thief.” Tech said mildly as everyone else exchanged unhappy glances.

“But how are we going to find it?” She swallowed hard, looking at each of them.

“We’ll figure that out once we’re out of here.” Hunter said gently.

Shiani nodded. “We’ll get it back, don’t worry.”

Tech clicked his tongue and shook his head. “Shiani, you know better. It is highly unlikely the Havoc Marauder will be recovered.”

Shiani’s shoulders sank a little, and Omega’s face turned red with frustration. “We can’t just give up on it!”

“We can acquire another ship. It is merely a mode of transportation.” Tech shrugged, frowning as Shiani gave him a sad look.

“It’s our home! It’s bad enough we lost Echo, we can’t lose our home too!” Usually when Omega raised her voice, it was lighthearted and uplifting or scared and they needed to protect her. None of them had ever heard the anger she hit them with, and Shiani’s ears drooped anxiously.

“We didn’t lose Echo.” Hunter tried to do damage control, hands coming up. “He’s just… on another mission.”

“But he’s not here with us! We’re a squad, we’re supposed to stay together!” Omega got, if possible, louder, and the anger in her voice had the ragged edge of a tear starting to pull at it. Shiani reached for her hand, hoping she could try to talk her down again like she had in the ship before.

Tech raised an eyebrow. “This squad existed before Echo, and will continue to exist after him. What is your issue?”

Omega nearly hit Shiani in the head on her backswing when she pitched her datapad at Tech, and the siren covered her ears with her hands. The emotions rolling off the girl were suddenly overwhelming when she lost control of them. Omega grabbed her bag angrily. “I want to be alone.” She snapped, and stormed down the tunnel.

Tech frowned, taking a step over to Shiani. “I do not understand why she is so upset. I merely stated the truth.”

Hunter rolled his eyes. “She knows the truth. That’s why she’s upset.”

Shiani looked up as her mate knelt beside her, making sure she hadn’t been bonked upside the head by their collective little sister. “Are you alright, cyar’ika?”

“...Wouldn’t an honest conversation cause less despair?” She whispered faintly.

“I was being honest.” Tech frowned.

“No you weren’t, Tech. She thinks you don’t care at all.” Shiani muttered, rubbing her gills as the torrent of Omega’s emotions finally faded into a manageable level of white noise for her.

“Well, he doesn’t.” Wrecker grumbled. “So she’s right.”

Shiani scrunched her nose, curling her fingers over Tech’s vambrace. “I know better than that.”

Hunter sighed and waved for Wrecker to join him back at digging, letting Shiani handle Tech. The genius sat back on his heels to look at his wife with a frown. “Why would Omega believe I do not care?”

“Because you show it differently.” She sighed, squeezing his hands three times to try to get the message across better. “She can only read your actions against how she would react. And you two are very different people.”

“That is certain.” Tech sighed. “But that analysis does explain why she has been so short with all of us… and me most of all.”

Shiani nodded. “We give her a little space, but then you should talk to her. If you can explain why you react the way you do, she’ll understand you better.” She leaned up and kissed him softly. “I can feel your hearts. Not everyone can.”

He nodded, settling back down beside her fully so she could cuddle to his side. “Have I upset you with my reactions lately?”

“No. But I know you best.” She shook her head. “You feel about Echo like you do about Crosshair. I know it hurts you, but you don’t want to talk about it. You keep feelings like sea glass, holding them up to the light to look at them but not sharing them with others. It’s… impressive. But maybe you should share, so it doesn’t hurt so much.” She headbutted his shoulder lightly. “Or hurts other people.”

Tech nodded quietly. “I had not considered that. My apologies, cyar’ika.”

“I’m not the one who needs the apology. Baby Mega does.” Shiani raised a non-existent eyebrow at him. “And your brothers, too. Hunter probably knows, but Wrecker’s got a tender heart. You know that.”

“I do.” Tech looked slightly chastened. “You have a remarkable grasp of the emotional states of this squad.”

“I told you. Sirens speak hearts as a first language.” She reached up and tapped the golden lenses of his goggles gently with her nail. “At some point, there had to be something I could teach you.”

He smiled faintly, curling his fingers under her soft jawline. “I suppose it was statistically likely. I will talk to Omega when you deem it is an appropriate time to do so. You have a better grasp of that.” He pressed a kiss against her mouth before getting up to go back to digging.

Shiani beamed, deciding to go down and check on Omega herself before she called for Tech.

Omega was using the precision drill to knock a hole in the wall when Shiani found her. “Digging holes, Baby Mega?” She frowned curiously.

The little blonde looked up and sighed. “Sorry I almost hit you in the head.”

Shiani nodded. “It’s okay. You were upset. You okay now?”

Omega went back to drilling the wall. “I don’t understand him. He doesn’t care about anything. He’s worse than a droid, and I don’t understand how you two ended up married.”

Shiani smiled, kneeling beside Omega and putting her hand over the girls on the drill. “He’s not a droid, Omega. He’s different. His mind is different. That doesn't mean his hearts don’t work.”

“I thought his mind was perfect. He seems to think it is.” Omega groused.

Shiani shook her head. “Sometimes, people get built different. There’s nothing wrong with the differences, it just takes time to understand them when you’re not the same. It’s… speaking another language, like me learning Basic for the first time. For Tech, his mind is always racing. Always thinking. He feels what we feel, but his mind goes though each potential reaction before he acts them out and decides what’s helpful and what’s not. Before you or I could finish crying, he’s already decided what the best action is to get the result he wants. Sometimes he’s not right because he forgets not everyone can do that, but that doesn't mean he doesn’t feel.”

Omega huffed. “I’ll believe it when I see it.” She cracked open the wall and poked her head in. “Oooh.”

“What did you find?” Shiani cocked her head to the side.

“More of the mineral. A whole lot more.”

“Enough to get for Cid? And maybe a little to blow our way out of here?”

“Definitely.”

Shiani nodded. “Let’s get it, then.”

Omega smiled faintly. “I’ll do it. You stay there, in case I need help or someone needs to get the guys.”

Shiani chuckled. “Tech will probably come down here to find us soon. I already kind of fussed at him.”

“Good.” Omega settled herself on a ledge with the drill and started extracting the mineral, when she filled a vial she passed it to Shiani and let the siren give her an empty one from her satchel.

“Don’t be mean, Baby Mega. He’s your brother and you love him.” Shiani huffed. “I can feel your hearts too.”

“Can you feel everyones?” Omega didn’t look away as she worked.

“Not as clearly as Tech. But I actually sang to his hearts, a long time ago.” Shiani shrugged. “He was about the same size as you back then. He was such a cute kid.”

“Is it weird knowing him now that he’s grown?” Omega finished a vial and looked at her. The siren’s big eyes were soft, thoughtful and kind. She was consistently amazed by the humanity the inhuman woman could display.

“Not anymore. It was at first, when he would go away as a little boy and come back bigger only a couple months later. Sometimes he’d be limping when he’d come see me, because he grew so fast his tendons hurt. I’m glad that doesn’t happen to you.” Shiani nodded. “Your brothers all want to give you a better life than they had.”

“And what do you want?” Omega asked.

“I want my family to be happy.” Shiani looked up as she heard footsteps and smiled. “Here comes Tech.”

Omega grumbled and went back to work as the siren turned her head and waved at her mate. Tech frowned, crouching beside her and looking into the hole Omega had made into the other side of the wall. “Are you two aware that you are surrounded by a significant vein of ipsium? The slightest miscalculation could end all of our lives.”

"Then you'd better not distract us." Omega grumbled.

“Baby Mega found it by herself.” Shiani was just as much Omega’s cheerleader to her brothers as she was Tech’s.

Tech tapped at his datapad as he scanned the ipsium around them. "This vein appears to be significantly more pure than what we discovered in Cid's mine. It would be practical to extract as much as possible."

"Do you trust me to do it?" Omega paused to look at him, like she hadn’t already handed Shiani six vials.

"I know you are perfectly capable of the task." Tech cocked his head to the side, as if he didn't understand why she thought he'd doubt her. Based on Shiani’s explanation of his inner workings, he might actually not. Omega wondered if he really was as condescending as she felt like he had been, or if the siren was right and he was just going with his unending calculations and forgetting other people weren’t built the way he was.

It’s like speaking another language.

“This is the last vial.” Shiani passed the glass to Omega as she handed the full vial from the drill over, making space so Tech could look. And talk to Omega once she’d finished her task, so they could make up. It would be a relief to walk back up the tunnel with the two clones she was closest to, both of them in sync finally. Sometimes she missed the way sirens could sing out their feelings to understand each other, because they could avoid the gaps in communication that humans seemed to constantly be running into.

Omega was nearly done, stretching out on the ledge, when her foot slipped and she fell. Tech’s stomach dropped in sick horror and he clambered through the gap, trying to grab her hand as she clung to the outcrop she’d been standing on previously. “Hold on, Omega. I am-”

The little girl tried to reach for him, but his her fingers weren’t strong enough to hold onto the slick rock by herself and she lost her grip. She let out an echoing scream and plummeted into the dark chasm below.

“Omega!” Tech didn’t hesitate for a second, diving after his sister. Shiani practically threw herself through the gap after them both, forgetting the bag full of ipsium vials in her haste to try to save the siblings. She hit cold water quickly and dove, searching desperately for the clones before they drowned.

Her vision was designed for underwater in low light, and she spotted both pairs of legs kicking just ahead, caught in the fast moving current. Tech had managed to grab Omega, and was holding her up to get a breath even if it pushed his own head underwater. Shiani glanced down, spotting a whirlpool that would suck the duo under, and shoved herself up to suck in a breath of air. “Hold your breath!” She yelled, and Omega obediently sucked in a gasp. Shiani dove again, wrapping herself around Tech and pressing her mouth to his to push the air she had into his lungs as he gills pulled oxygen out of the water.

They were sucked straight down into the aquaduct, tumbling violently for a minute until they were shot out of a low waterfall and into a deep pool, the current gone. Shiani hauled the two clones to the rocky little shoreline and pushed them both out first. Omega lay on her back, coughing, as Tech rolled from his stomach to his side with a groan.

“You two okay?” Shiani sat up, shaking the droplets off her head tresses and looking around.

“Yeah.” Omega didn’t sit up, staring at the ceiling above her for a minute. “My socks are wet.”

“As are mine. I despise the texture.” Tech grumbled, finally pushing himself upright and looking around. His comm was buzzing, mic full of water and leaving everything unintelligible until he cleared it out.

"Fffffsst- ech? Tech, do you copy?" Hunter’s voice was somewhere between anger they weren’t answering, and panic that they couldn’t. None of the accidental underwater spelunking group had any doubt he’d tear this mine apart with nothing but his knife and sheer familial concern to find them.

Tech coughed another mouthful of water. "Affirmative. Shiani, Omega, and I took… an underwater detour."

"Where are you?"

"That is a good question. Stand by."

Shiani looked around, patting Tech’s back to help him clear any more water before helping him and Omega both up. The blonde girl wiped the water from her face and pointed. “I see a light.”

They followed the barely-visible pinprick of sunlight, finally locating a tiny hole in the cavern wall barely bigger than the head of Shiani’s smallest screwdriver. Shiani beamed, leaning towards it. “Smells like fresh air.”

“Well spotted.” Tech patted Omega’s shoulder, cringing slightly at the slap of his wet glove on her wet shirt. "I will instruct Hunter and Wrecker to retrieve our gear and meet us down here."

When he backed up to comm Hunter, Shiani gave Omega a fond smile. “Now is a good time to talk. You want me to go away?”

“No… I might need translation.” Omega sighed. “If he’s a whole different language, you speak both.”

Shiani nodded and gave the girl a cheerful little mock salute. “Protocol-droid Shiani, ready for service.”

Omega at least laughed, and they waited for Tech to finish up on his comm call. When he was done, they all sat at the water's edge to wait for the others. "Once they join us, we will have a way out of the mine." He said firmly.

"We still have no ship, no way off the planet, and we can't even call Echo for help…" Omega pulled her knees up.

"We do not need help. We will think of a solution, as we always do."

Omega glanced at Shiani, who patted her back. “You don’t mean that Echo isn’t important.” She murmured to Tech.

“No. I simply mean that he is unavailable, so we must make our own way without his help. Not that it would not be appreciated.” Tech said quietly.

"... everything is changing. First Echo, now the ship." Omega finally whispered. "I hate it."

"Soldiers often deal with change. It is a fundamental part of life�� I do not understand your aversion to it." Tech frowned.

“You don’t like change either, Tech. You just adapt easier because you’ve had more experience with it.” Shiani coached.

"And we're a family, aren't we?" Omega looked at Tech with a look in her eyes he couldn't quite understand. She looked almost afraid of his response, like if he told her they weren’t a family it would destroy her. But why would he ever say that? How could they be anything else?

"... of course we are." Tech’s brow furrowed with confusion, and he looked at Shiani for some kind of explanation.

"Then why don't you act like it?!" Omega demanded his attention before his wife could say anything.

Tech’s frown deepened as he sat with her question and what Shiani had said earlier. If Omega couldn’t “feel his hearts” the way Shiani said, he would have to be extremely plain about it. Which meant examining his emotions without the solitude he usually preferred. Usually only Shiani got to be privy to his most personal thoughts out loud. "Echo… chose another path. As did Crosshair. I have to respect those decisions, even if they can be difficult to understand… I admit I may process thoughts differently… but it does not mean I feel any less than you."

Omega frowned. "So you do miss Echo?" Her focus was on the most recently missing brother, but Shiani didn’t fail to notice he brought up Crosshair without a word from either of them about the sniper.

"Yes. I miss them both." Tech looked at her for a long moment. “I have always missed anyone I care about in their absence... But I have had to accept it for most of my life. I would have preferred to have Shiani join us years before she did.”

“You tried to send her and me away.” Omega said quietly. “On Salucemi.”

“That was an error on my part. I did not ask your choices in the matter.” Tech sighed. “I regret that immensely. As it stands now, I would prefer to have all of us together, including Crosshair and Echo. I cannot make the decision for someone else, however. But… Shiani is right. I do not like the change of living without them. If I am honest… the only positive changes in my life have been meeting the two of you.”

Shiani smiled, scooting a little closer to Tech and putting her head on his shoulder. “I told you a conversation would help.”

He nodded. “You were correct, cyare.” He looked back at Omega. “I am sorry I was… not apparent about it. I thought it was obvious.”

Omega leaned over against his other side, and after a moment he put an arm around her shoulders. A near death experience seemed like a reasonable time to hug his sister. And if Shiani’s tentacles twined their way around both of them, it was a more comfortable cuddle.

Tech and Omega pondered over their new understanding of each other as Shiani just kept her eyes on the waterfall, waiting patiently for it to spit Wrecker and Hunter out of it. It didn’t take too terribly long until they tumbled out ass over teakettle and made their way to shore. “Why are we always almost drowning?” The sergeant grumbled, wet hair plastered to his forehead.

“I’m not.” Shiani smiled and gave him a hand up.

“Thank you, Princess Smartass.” He couldn’t help but chuckle.

“Princess Illumai.” She corrected innocently, taking her tool bag from him and stepping back so he could give Tech and Omega their gear.

“It’s a… nevermind.” He patted her head lightly. “Okay, Tech. What’s the plan.”

Tech pulled out a vial of ipsium and set to tapping on the wall near the hole, measuring thickness by sound and figuring out angles. Shiani watched him stack rocks and set the vial atop it before waving them all to move back behind cover. “This should have the required force to blast our way out.”

“How come you get to blow it up?” Wrecker complained.

“Because this shot must be precise, or we risk another cave in.” Tech muttered sternly.

This time, Omega and Shiani looked at each other. There was a tiny change in Tech’s voice that Omega normally wouldn’t have noticed, but when the siren just nodded she realized she wasn’t imagining it.

He’s thinking about Crosshair. He could have made the shot too.

Tech made the shot after another moment of mental calculation, and the aftershocks faded before any of them moved. Fortunately, there was no cave in or squished members of the family, and everyone stepped out into the sunlight. Shiani put her hands on her hips and took a deep breath, finally free of the stale smell of the inside of the mine.

Tech put an arm around her waist, his binocs in the other hand. “The detour through the aqueduct has put us closer to the spaceport. It is just over the cliffside there.”

“Hopefully there will be some food.” Wrecker grinned.

Shiani nodded. “Nothing to hunt in that mine. I couldn't feel anything alive but us.” She was hungry too, but she had been hungrier before.

They started walking, Omega taking a spot between Tech and Hunter. The sergeant smiled faintly. “You two okay now?”

Omega nodded. “We’re… learning each other’s language.”

He put an arm around her. “Good.” His eyes darted up to Shiani, who had her arm wrapped around Tech’s middle as they walked together. She glanced over her shoulder and gave him a smile as well.

They were all going to be fine.

The spaceport was abandoned, and judging by the dust and tattered cloth hanging from the derelict buildings it was not a recent development. Shiani scrunched her nose and looked around. “No food, Wrecker. And no ship to use.”

"So we came all this way for nothing?" Wrecker groaned.

"I can craft a long range transmitter with this equipment. It appears to be an abandoned communications array, so it would be a relatively quick repair.

"Might be a skiff or speeder I can fix up.” Shiani waved around at the scrap half buried in dust from the recent storm or similar weather. “It won’t make it off the planet but there’s got to be civilization somewhere.”

Omega followed her to start scavenging, a familiar practice now. Shiani was good at it, Omega noted, as she pulled what looked like garbage up and pointed out the components the siren could make to get them a ride. “This is what you used to do under Tipoca, isn’t it?”

Shiani nodded. “There wasn’t as much useful stuff there, actually.” She handed the girl a stabilizer coupling to hold while she kept digging. “This looks like half of it was just abandoned, not broken first.”

“You think someone just left this stuff on purpose?” Omega blinked, examining the part with a smile.

“Between the weather and bandits? They might have just given up. Not everyone is as resilient as our family.” Shiani ruffled her hair fondly. “Look at you. We found scrap and you’re smiling again.”

“Well… I’m not mad at Tech anymore. Thanks, for helping me understand.” Omega hugged her around the waist, and Shiani grinned and picked her up in her tentacles, making her laugh as she rotated her over the siren’s head while she kept digging for parts.

"I have gotten the communication array functional, cyar’ika." Tech called. “We are going to try to make contact with Cid first.”

“Don’t think she’s gonna be helpful. She’s selfish.” Shiani sighed, setting Omega down to walk over to the group as they got the call through.

Shiani had hope she was wrong, but it didn’t seem like it. The trandoshan looked annoyed the minute she appeared on the holo, like they were wasting her time. "I've got a lot going on over here. You guys are going to have to figure it out on your own."

"Wait a minute, Cid. You sent us here." Hunter narrowed his eyes

"And you had a ship when I did."

"Cid! You have to help us." Omega put her hands on her hips and sharpened her gaze, doing her best imitation of Hunter’s sergeant demeanor.

"We did assist you getting your parlor back from Roland Durand, and with Mellegi-" Tech started.

Shiani simply hissed sharply, mouth open and fangs on display. “Cid.” She said coldly, and the rest of the threat didn’t need translation. If Cid screwed them over, Shiani was going to make herself a personal problem.

"Alright, alright. I'll see what I can do. Gimme a few days."

Hunter’s hiss matched Shiani’s. "We don't have the supplies for-"

Cid hung up.

Wrecker groaned. "Now what do we do?"

"We figure it out, like we always do." Omega gave Tech a grin, and he smiled back.

“When we get back to Ord Mantell, I’m gonna bite her.” Shiani grumbled. “I’m about sick of her.”

“I’m starting to agree with you.” Hunter huffed. “But let’s get out of here first.”

#explict #original character #clone force 99 #the bad batch #star wars #tbb tech #fanfic

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sturnioloshacker · 10 months ago

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idk if it’s ok to vent to you but if it isn’t i completely understand and you just don’t have to respond to this, but lately my mom has been bringing up my dad so so much. like my dad is still present in my life but he has a new gf and he’s been leaving me in the past basically and never even seeing me, and my mom thinks it’s ok to bring up ‘oh he don’t love you’ n shit like that everytime she’s mad and it lowkey makes me js wanna pack my shit n leave. and i tried talking to her abt it and she gave me a shitty apology and brushed it off as if i don’t have feelings. and today was my dads wedding and i don’t have a car yet so she had to pick me up and before she picked me up she said ‘did you take any pics from the wedding’ and i said no so she said ‘ok then find a different way home.’ which is so unfair so i literally had to beg her to drive me home. and i’m honestly js thinking abt leaving tn, but like idk yet bc i still love my mom but she’s really not showing any ‘love’ back.

oh i’m so sorry you’re dealing with all of this my love. my best advice would be to try and talk to your mum and tell her how you’re really feeling and how much she’s hurting you.

no matter how much you wanna leave, you still need your mum as a form of guidance in life. it’s all about communication and making sure your mum understands where you’re coming from. tell her every single little detail.

she could also be hurting from the fact that your dad has moved on in life and she’s choosing to take her frustrations on someone else in her life which is sadly you. she may be finding it hard to adjust to this new life and now that your dad has remarried, she’s heartbroken, hurt, possibly depressed and just simply lost and the only thing she can really do is just be angry and upset.

the main thing is to just talk to her. you never know, she might actually open up to you and tell you how she feels about it all. the more feelings you let out between each other, the more likely you’ll become closer, stronger and tighter.

hope things work out for you and your mum sweetheart, you got this. i believe in you 🩷

fyi, vent all you want! i’m always here to listen and help when you need it most x

#asks ❤️#anon asks

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aloeverified · 1 year ago

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how do you think mitsuri and obanai would react/reacted when they found out about shinobus plan.

DEMON SLAYER MANGA SPOILERS ‼️

mitsuri would be really heartbroken and break down sobbing. if she found out before shinobu executed it, she would have tried to stop her and tell her there's other options — that the rest of the hashira would help support her if it meant she could live.

if she found out after shinobu already completed it, she'd do something similar but to a much more extreme degree. i think she'd be kinda of in shock for a moment before she just starts sobbing uncontrollably. i feel like a lot of people forget that shinobu has experienced loss as much as the rest of the hashira; her family was alive all her life and she hadn't really lost anyone important to her until rengoku. she wouldn't really know how to handle it.

iguro would be a bit understanding but also very upset. i think he'd initially get mad and frustrated and maybe even want to go and scream at her about how stupid she's being for throwing everything away over a stupid demon, but he'd so know deep down how much this means to her. he knows what it's like to truly hate someone for what they've done to you, so he can't really blame her for her plan even if it hurts him deeply.

as for finding out about her plan afterwards, i think he'd try to hold in all his feelings to try and comfort mitsuri but he wouldn't be able to keep his force from shaking or his hands from trembling and there's no way he could hold back his tears.

#percy spoilers #kny spoilers #demon slayer #asks #anon #ughhhhh them </3

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thiagodasilva · 1 year ago

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no dont shut up. speak your truth plss youre the only one around here talking sense

oh girl.

all I’m going to say is this:

the idea that this was all entirely one sided on the club’s part, that they forced him out and he never ever wanted to leave feels sooo exaggerated? brazen? reactionary? I don’t know if I missed anything, I’m so serious, because what we’ve heard for months (leading up to these last few weeks) is that contract negotiations were going nowhere and he ended up wanting to leave in the end because of proposed deals or lack thereof and the club was willing to sell. And we heard that from reliable sources (I only follow fabrizio because he just reports what he hears that he can verify and consistently provides updates. I mean. Mans is famous for being THE most consistently accurate and not putting a spin on things); the other few things I’ve seen have changed the story plenty of times and can come off so biased that you just gotta take it with a grain of salt-I mean take ALL of it as such, it’s the internet, we don’t know everything.

and because we don’t know everything, I’m not going to sit there and definitely say that the club is a never ending evil for “treating” him this way and forcing him to move-if there’s other shit behind the scenes others somehow have heard/know about that I personally have no idea, enlighten me I guess. contract deals went to hell, we don’t know 100% what he turned down or what he was offered etc etc, so I’m personally not going to jump to conclusions. What we DO know for sure is that he’s going to Man U to earn a bunch more money on a five year deal.

And there’s definitely a good chunk of the fanbase saying the same thing about him, that he’s all evil or whatever, so everyone is all over the place picking a front on whose worse but it’s like….none of us knew what went down for real. I don’t care how many “sources” you’ve seen on Twitter and Instagram, we weren’t there, we’re not in his head, we’re not in the board’s heads. So we don’t know who or what is “totally” at fault which is also kind of a juvenile way of looking at things because omigod the world and so many of its issues are GREY.

This has been such a shit year for Chelsea, the board has fucked up, the players have been going through it on and off the pitch, we’re losing almost everyone that we’ve had a bit of a foundation with. Change is here, and it’s frustrating and weird but we’re just fans, not the capitalist billionaires that make the groundbreaking decisions. But all sides of this fandom are coming at throats in the weirdest ways.

You can be upset, sad, mad, heartbroken, frustrated, annoyed but omigod if you’re a chelsea fan and you’re either: 1) wishing the club you support to struggle again next season because your fave is gone and you’re convinced they ruined everything under the sun OR 2) sending past and present players genuine hate or whatever bullshit for the situations going on….what the hell are you even doing here lol.

He’s gone on to another club, his business with Chelsea is done and you can mourn what was and what will never be but it’s bold to assume any of us know what’s up. I’m annoyed about how it all went and it’s bittersweet but I’m not going to damn him or the club over it. (I’ve damned this club and others over more serious bullshit let’s be real). *

I know it’s “just” football and you can be and do whatever you want but omigod. just. THINK for a second.

*and I’m very aware I react to things emotionally/dramatically with football and non football related things alike (that’s how it’s always been? But I’m not about wish death and destruction sincerely over shit that could have easily just been what it is? A business negotiation?) but I always do my best to take a step back and take another look. that’s all I’m trying to say basically.

#this isn’t direct to anyone it’s just the conversation I’ve seen and I’m bored #yes it’s about mason but y’all are not about to come for me over this so no way am I tagging #the lead up has made it a more drama filled goodbye than it ever needed to be #anyway #ask #anonymous #chelsea fc

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sincelastsession · 5 months ago

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Mom got really shitty with me in the car and continued to fuss me about me trying to prove to her that these scammers that she speaks to are not real and I was trying to still explain to her that I was not trying to hurt her I was trying to help her avoid getting her heartbroken and that I did not want her to Live in a delusion where she thinks that these people are actually going to come and save her.

I understand what we spoke about in therapy.

I understand that sometimes when people are doing idiot things I just need to let them.

It was not ok for her to jump my ass after and be cruel about my partner possibly not being real and was he going to come see me? I have known him 7 or so years and been in a relationship 6 of those years. A background check was run. There's no script or scam. We both are poly. Neither of us can afford a visit. But we video chat and we have calls and message and Travis has spoken to him. He has never asked me for anything except when I asked him what he wanted for his birthday it was "trinkets" and he didn't want me to really spend more than 20bucks because he knows on ssi I don't get much and told me I didn't have to get him anything every other year. But I got him trinkets anyway and he went out and got a cigar box to keep them in and treasures what I chose to send.

I don't appreciate her questioning my relationship when she's talking to people that use her for large sums of money or promise her things if she commits fraud. I didn't want her to think a military general would need her to send him a dime for any reason. My uncle knows that general personally. My friend and his wife know of him and they were the experts to call. I was doing in my mind a protective thing.

To her it was obviously threatening her delusional happiness and plans to get money and a man to sweep her off her feet and buy her a country club home etc... my mother has always been after ANYTHING that could get her money or fancy things. My father paid of 60k of her credit card debt.

She's a psych nurse sure. But she's had to call me to ask me about mental health conditions because she doesn't know about it as much as she presented. She's only been at this job for a short while. She's done other nursing for many other things. I don't thing she's ignorant but I feel that no despite that being her job she doesn't always know what she's talking about.

She is elderly and she is very good at presenting herself as a strong smart professional and kind. But away from eyes of others she's very easily hooked to scams...like been doing publisher's clearinghouse and other types of mlm etc and diet scams etc other than romance scams.

I'm mad that I have to just do the "Let them" thing. I totally understand that it's needed now.

I actually was done with that and she's obviously still mad and threatened.

Both of my uncles are concerned despite drinking about her mental state with sort of things but they all fought and they're all at odds. At the time she had no problem with me calling anyone and didn't voice to me she was upset because I did check in to ask if she was.

This is one reason today I was sorta "wtf" because there were MANY other things to talk about. I'd asked if we could save harder stuff for a later session.

I do understand I need to learn "Let them" better. I do understand what you're frustrated with and it frustrates me too. My brain is going very fast. I've already heard and registered what you've said and it is a sort of agony waiting on people and holding thoughts. I'm not on adhd treatment. It was easier with the medication to hold thoughts and pause and allow people to know I was listening etc...

I still think there is something broken in my brain like autistic not clicking or other neurological.

I am very open to exploring ways to work around these challenges. If it's possible we will see how that goes.

For me big changes are scary.

Not using the correct words or tone is a problem I have that is a misunderstanding creator.

I explained why I use the terms I use. I've just been automatically learning and speaking this way my whole life. That imo is the autism. If we can work on that in a way I can wrap my head around what I'm not exactly seeing then cool.

There's a video or a few on here that showcases EXACTLY my frustration. I'll give you time to get to it.

Being neurodivergent and of different mind is a unique and frustrating experience I've always had but never understood.

Sometimes it feels like the whole wide world just doesn't understand me and wants me to be something that I cannot be or I don't know how to really really upsetting.

I would compare it to people not accepting that their children are queer and wanting to send them to conversion therapy instead of accepting that that's how they are.

I know that even with autism there are things that I probably do need to learn and work on but I'm really touchy about it and I'm really scared of change because I've had to find ways to be Comfortable and going out of my comfort zone is very very irrationally scary for me.

I am frustrated about the session which I expected to be really because I cause I don't know how to say what I'm feeling correctly and I keep being misunderstood and that is aggravating and I'm not mad at anyone really I'm just mad at the sitwaition of me having issues understanding and vice versa.

I do feel that you know you're excited to work with me and you know help me understand things better and change bad behaviors and tweak good behaviors to be even better or whatever the case.

Logically I understand all of it. Well as best I can. Emotionally I want to want to continue crying and scream and fight and all of that. I feel like I'm waiting on myself to get those feelings out of the way. Like they have to catch up with the logic and I don't know how to put it in any other way that's the best way I can put it I have a really hard time trying to explain things to people and I use metaphors a lot and sometimes that makes it worse.

The incessant talking and interrupting and I guess I don't know you seem to think it's from me not feeling hurt and the thing is I'm not like that with everybody. It has gotten worse and I don't know why. Possibly everything that's happening is all subconscious and I'm not consciously doing it. I'm trying to pay attention but I guess I'm not Recognizing I mean that's a total possibility.

I don't see how I was mean and that's frustrating. And of course outside of therapy you don't see how I got treated after therapy. And of course my mother was thrilled just like my father was thrilled to talk to you and it once again really did feel like I'm in the hot seat and I'm getting grilled and I know that that is not anybody's intention to make me feel any sort of way or I shouldn't really feel that way.

We can take a break from people coming in unless they call to make an appointment then I'm fine with that and I still want to continue therap one-on-one withh you but I am getting very burnt out on the interrupting subject and there's a million other things that I want to talk about and work on. Does feel like I'm going to have to tackle this before I do anything else and that is making me mad because I don't know if I can change it. It feels like I'm having 2 people please everyone and do everything in a certain way to fit in and 2 Make everyone happy. And I don't really know how to explain the rest in words.

I guess you could say that I am very rejection sensitive and there's probably big giant valid reasons for that due to trauma and bad events that have happened and events that have happened over and over and over again and I'm sure when I was out of the room my mother let you know things I guess I don't know and that's fine.

I get frustrated because I have this journal and I have the entire internet and I still am having problems trying to explain things because I read it and I'm like fuck that's not what I meant to say that looks this way he's possibly going to interpret it in a certain way and I'm worried about that and I understand that that thought process isn't so great either

And then there's the thing of doing cognitive behavior therapy and dialectical behavior therapy techniques with people who have complex PTSD or PTSD in general it can sometimes be very invalidating to our traumas and emotions and there's many articles on it.

Like to be honest when I journal I don't even like how I journal and it aggravates me so much but I'm trying to push through and not try and go back and shorten things or fix it or pour over it like an obsessive person trying to make it perfect for my therapist to read because then it would take me forever to express myself.

And it still takes a long time me just using Text-to-speech on my phone. Or just typing it out. So sometimes what I write looks like a fucking nightmare for anybody to read and I'm exhausted and I'm just not having the band with to go back and fix it.

And yes I'm extremely mean to myself nobody ever really needs to fuss at me or yell at me or even correct me unless it's something that's like super unobvious to me because I can see I just don't know what the hell to do about it other than apologize and continue to work on fixing it.

I do feel this gross unfairness that I'm the one that's been in therapy since I was a small child and you know the abuse that I have gone through not just from my parents has put like weights on me and I don't feel it's really fair I don't feel it's fair that I have to be in the water therapy but I am because no one else will do it and no 1 else can do Rap for me and I don't khow to do all of this in such a what feels like a short amount of time I have big issues with time sometimes times goes by really fast for me or really slow or I won't Miss A lot of time and I don't know where it went or what in the world I was doing that made the time go by so fast or if I was even mentally present during that time.

And I mean I'm at home I'm in my apartment I'm in my bed I'm in so much Pain. Physical pain.

There's not much I can do about it except bitch and be aggravated because it's just one more thing I have to deal with and smoking weed is not helping the pain and I don't have other pain medications I feel comfortable taking for it because I have never received proper pain management in my adult years I had a very good pain managemen a Doctor that is no longer practicing and we had everything to work it was working I wasn't having addiction issues I would take a piss test everything was fine and I had medicine for when I needed it for when I couldn't deal with it anymore.

And now I have the medical marijuana which is sometimes very enjoyable as a lot of people do enjoy it but I want to be more clear headed but sometimes I have to just fucking smoke or take a edible. It does often slow me down I've considered being like hey Joshua why don't we have a session where I Smoke out and get a ride to therapy and I ride home and I'm a lot slower when I'm stoned for pain or anxiety. And the thing is my anxiety medicine used to help a lot with the excessive talking and the anxiety but I'm in a flare.

And it seems like even though the Doctor has fussed at me to take the full 3 mg which I am trying to do but I don't like having to do it because I really don't want to fuck with my tolerance. Like that used to work really well but now you know I've been on it a long time it only seems to help like the other issues I have and it does sedate me but my anxiety and such my PTSD the things that caused me great disdress is on fire according to my Doctor and my primary care and The hypervigilance and theStress hormones and such seem to be overpowering the medicine. However if I did not take the medicine I would not be able to sit there and talk with you at all because I would probably be in the hospital screaming and being sedaided with heavy duty meds. It's all really frustrating.

It feels hard to just be a person.

And I don't think I'm like my father and I really don't like being compared to him I know that we have similar traits but I'm not my father I do not think like him I do not purposely act the way that he purposefully acts. And you know my father is kind of obsessed and my mom is sort of obsessed with me being like them. And they're obsessed with pointing this out to me and it makes me upset because I don't want to be a damn thing like them. Not with all the crazy shit I have experienced my entire life no fucking way. But I understand yeah they raised me of course I am going to be a little bit like them at least. And I do feel sometimes like I have some sort of stalk homes syndrome with them and I feel like I need their fucking approval and I'm so tired of having that feeling. I mean there's rare moments where I just don't give a fuck. But I wish I had more moments like that. Just letting people do the stupid thing is very difficult for me. Trying to talk to people about the stupid thing that they are doing that is bad for them and could potentially harm them or whatever the case is very very frustrating and difficult for me. I feel like certain message are cruel and other methods even though they're very direct and jarring to people I would rather just say something instead of spea fucking riddles and dance around the subject to where they have to guess and I don't understand really how neurotypical people speak.

I have always had trouble with that and I've always gotten like screamed at.

And you spoke about mirrors today and when I mirror people they don't like it but that's what I do sometimes because I don't know how else to act so I'm just trying to fit in and I think I'm doing what they're doing but obviously I'm not In some instances like clearly I'm failing at trying to mirror and mask And fit in with the rest of society because society is not built for people like me it's built for other people They do not have the same issues. And I spoke at length with my psychiatrist and his PA about how like 80% of the world is not nerd a Divergent and the other like 20% or whatever numbers that gave me you know we have a very difficult time and we're very intelligent and navigating through life is very hard and confusing.

I do understand how the DSM is very frustrating I don't even own a copy of it I wouldn't want to own a copy of it I have read other books about how they used to just diagnose everything as schizophrenia. I don't like that so I assume that that's the kind of aggravation that therapist feel like you mention.

And I tried to explain how I view it and why I speak the way I speak and II hope you understood that I am not trying to just use buzzwords and I don't even know what what you think about that but I'm not doing any sort of thing I've just always like picked up on what doctors were saying as a child and asked questions and started using that vinacular.

And Doctor Todd used to tell me that I would have to dumb myself down going to various doctors because they would be threatened by me using their language And it was very aggravating to them but he understood that it was just because I grew up in it and it became my special interes

I don't really want it to be my special interest but it just is I wish I could like bird watching or some other like Nish subject.

I wish I was obsessed with knowing things about something else honestly.

I mean I used to have a very large encyclopedia of knowledge about conspiracy theories and horses because I really loved horses growing up like obsessively and I had a pony growing up I was lucky it was a rescue was like a $100 pony and that was a good point in my life parts of that but my grandfather did not take care of it and it died and I'm still hurting from that even though my grandfather is dead and the horses dead etc.

And I used to take english writing and Western writing and I'm very good at it once I get back in the saddle and adjust back to it strangely enough I can't fucking ride a bike but I can ride a horse like a motherfucker. And I wish I could get into some sort of horse therapy for physical therapy type thing or just psychological type therapy actually looked up a traumatic therapist that used her horses for therapy unfortunately I think she quit practicing she was an older lady.

But also I could not ride if I wanted to right now because I am not small enough unless there's a draft horse. And I went off-topic so the following paragraphs are connected to earlier paragraphs.

I really was just trying to be assertive and I still don't see how I came across as mean because I was trying very hard to be kind and come across properly.

I do think that when I was in regions and between that time and after I got a concussion it sort of set my PTSD on fire and I had to calm down from that and I was doing pretty well and then the thing's following like you know last year did not really help me on the upswing because you know healing isn't linear. And I have theories that because I took myself off the pro's act that was making me horribly suicidal with the approval of my psychiatrist that the oc d and the other conditions I have that it was also possibly helping to treat could haveYou know not had the components of the medicine to calm that part down but also after I was in the car wreck that gave me the concussion I had a little bit of amnesia for a short period and it was little things and sometimes it's still a little things like there's people that come up to me and I have no idea who they are at time that's happened since. But I do know when your brain skaken and you have various conditions it fucks with those things. Not verbatim but the neurologist and my passed psych explained this. It was also Doctor Todd's understanding that it was probably a bit of everything and that the concussion did inflame it.

I'm feeling pretty bad and confused and misunderstood still. I don't understand why it's not clicking in my head. I'm definitely crying my face off.

You know I wanted to try and just shut up and let you catch up with my journaling and I know you're a speed reader but I told you I do type a lot I do talk a lot and I'm trying to like let it all out in the journal because it does feel like it helps to some extent I don't know what it's actually doing but I guess it's better than texting everybody and verbally telling everybody this over the phone which I know it's a lot of repeating and I don't know how to make that stop I have tried I have been trying it's been the bane of everyone's existence and my own for quite a while and I'm tired of it just as much as everybody else and I'm The one that has to live with it and I don't like living with it it's fucking irritating I just would love to be normal but I know that I'm not and I don't think that I will ever be normal but I would like to be better.

I do have a lot of triggers with therapy and I can't lie about that to you because that's something that you need to know I can't give you exact things. I don't know really how to articulate a lot when I really want to. If I figure out how to I'll explain it. I mean that's why I Post videos and info graphics because sometimes that's easier for me to communicate with. Sometimes just pictures and settings and art is easier to communicate with than words I have always been a visual spatial learner. If there was some way where we could use physical objects to explain things to me that might be very helpful. For example my last EMDR therapist used things that she would use with children and I don't know what they're called but she used that so I could explain shit to her.

Because I did talk a lot with her and that wasn't issue with therapy and I don't know how she helped me not do that.

I mean we did use the IFS system a lot and she did point out that the manager of the IFS system is the one that is talking so much and getting in the way of my core and I do not even know what my core is because it's very hard to talk to core because all the rest of the IFS system is guarding it and part of me even if I don't recognize it it's probably guarding Child me.

And I've done lots of inner child exercises but she's not there.

She's hiding somewhere and I can't find Her.

Or she's not there at all.

Sometimes it feels like my inner child is dead or never existed.

That makes me cry and makes me very mad.

Because I never really feel like I got to be a child

I didn't even like other children growing up I thought they were dumbasses I used to be in like second grade just sitting there watching people play and do what Normal elementary school kids do and I would get bullied for being Different of course because who doesn't and I just fucking hated other children I thought they were dumb as fuck and just disgusted by most of them and I thought that they were stupid

Not all of them but just if I'm generalizing. And how I grew up was very not great I mean I didn't get what I needed and being an adult I'm trying to pander to some of my inner child which I can't seem to find nor recognize if it is there like I think about buying Myself toys and things that I NEVER got to have or do things I'd NEVER got to do and Do That as an adult like I see a lot of people my age getting Back into

Because we have the adult money now and nobody can tell us that we can't go by the thing that we wan

But I have a budget so I can't really do that but I also own about a million hobbies because that's what happens I get bored I have to figure out something I get fascinated with a hobby I buy that thing and all the tools to do the hobby I start the hobby I get bored with it I try to find Something Else.

I'm worried that I'll never get better and I'll just always be this fuck up.

I mean because I've been abused so much it's hard for me to recognize if people are being kind to me unless it's very obvious and you know I do get defensive but what you saw was not really neat trying to be defensive it was just me saying something and it sounded that way to you and to my mother but to me it didn't And I'm sure if I had listened to myself recorded I might have been able to hear what you me I really didn't recognize what was mean.

I mean I know that the way I speak and we have always spoke has been pretty directed jarring for people and I've tried to adjust it and I've tried to please people and you know after a while I got fucking tired of it and just started talking how I talk and acting how I act because it got exhausting trying to police myself to make other people happy and then those people ended up hurting me anyway so why was I trying to make them happy what was the point It's just like

If my parents had a problem with my queerness or my relationship which they said they didn't have a problem with but obviously they do and that hurts. Because yes I have a hard time recognizing myself however I know that everything I do and say is somehow part of myself even though when I try to look at it I can't and I don't like that it bothers the fuck out of me

I mean when I was younger I saw the psychologist Doctor Carrie Mack and I don't know if you know about him. And he worked with me on cognitive behavior therapy and a lot of different things and I tried to get my parents involved with the cognitive behavior therapy because I wanted them to understand but then they just turned it around on me all the time and everything I did was wrong and I thought distortion and my feelings were invalidated because they would be thought distortions and not valid feelings for trauma as I went through So that's why it's a very confusing practice for me and so is DBT it's hard for me

And a lot of times things that I say that some of my excuses are just explanations to me.

I'm not trying to make excuses and try to make myself feel better and give people all this extra information to make myself feel better at least not consciously am I doing that I don't even really think that way. I think that's why I'm so confused about it is because I don't think that way and I don't know how to describe how my mind works so people can meet me halfway or be accommodating and it's a positive given take instead of me asking for help and then everybody kind of fucking resenting me

And that's exhausting for me andMental work is extremely exhausting.

And it's 705 PM and my neighbors have decided to all go outside down to the pool and start screaming and hollering and laughing and I can hear them talking about me and I can't prove it and I can't get out my phone and go on the balcony and sit there and record them because it's not going to help anything but still this whole situation is fucking distressing.

I would really like help finding a place that is good for me to live in other than this place I don't know if I can ask that of you I don't know what to do my mom and dad keep telling me to go to apartment complexes and call and talk to all these people myself but I don't know what I need to be asking etc

And then I'm worried about my ESA cat's litter mate who was the best buddy of Miss Spot who I had to take out of the gross fucked up environment into my home and give her the best last months of her life I could. That still hurts TREMENDOUSLY. I'm still VERY angry at my father and sister for the neglect.

All I want to do is go save the other cat now because my father's and sister's other cat are bullying him and he is a very beautiful shy sweet cat.

I'd like to move and go ahead and take him in. He was an ESA for me at home and does the same things my other two cats do to signal me.

And if it wasn't a good fit I foster with CABR and I know the foster coordinator and I know all the people over there and I could possibly find him a good fit of a home where he would get the love and Attention and calm environment and possibly be able to Help another person if it didn't Work Out with his old litter mate June or my Younger cat Griffin.

You know there's a lot of things on my mind other than just my family and the way I speak I mean there's a lot of puzzles and problems and things I'm trying to solve and it is all going on in my head at once and it is all very very overwhelming because it's a lot.

I feel spread very thin because I can't organize what's most important to do

I will often neglect myself to get things done that could wait

And I know that's not good.

I have many people I need to speak to and catch up with and I haven't been able to do that and I feel that they must think that I am an asshole and I don't want to lose connections with them because I'm having a hard time. And the thing is I've told them I'm having a hard time but I've been having a hard time for quite a long time and I feel like they don't really have the patience for waiting on me anymore and that hurt.

I really don't know how to speak to my old mentor Stephanie who is still friends with me because she doesn't understand me even though she tries very very hard to do so and she has her own mental health struggles and she's got grandchildren now and it makes me sad that we do not spend very much time together anymore and she often says very negative things to me and it hurts my feelings and Sometimes I wish I was more like her in the way that she just does stuff and doesn't fucking care about other people just like a large population Of people just only care about themselves in our self focused and I feel like I'm often the exact opposite of that.

I feel like I'm more focused on helping other people instead of myself because I'm better at helping other people than myself.

Just like you could put me in a messy room at someone else's house and I could clean it up and organize it but if you put me in my room it's a fucking nightmare for my brain

I'm one of aggravating things is I don't know how to talk without using certain terms and I don't really want to dumb myself down by trying to use simple terms but I know that I'm gonna have to do that in order to speak with your average everyday person that doesn't know so much about these things and did not have the experiences I had growing up and all that it's like having to be bilingual And I don't know like maybe another secret language a secret third thing that's what it always feels like it feels like it feels like it's just a secret third thing I don't know if you know what I mean by that.

Anyway I had some things that I was gonna say and I can't remember it now and I want to try and take a break and I don't know what I'm gonna do like I had plans but now I am kind of lost and I don't know what to get done

And I'm super fucking pissed at someone questioning my real legitimate relationship VS an imaginary one that's just a scam and I'm fucking mad about that still and I don't know how to get over being angry about that because I do not like people insulting the ones I love and I do not like people scamming people I love either and I do not like it that the people who are getting scammed get mad at me and do not understand What is going on and what I am trying to do to help them and just letting them makes me feel like a bad daughter. It's really distressing when mom comes to visit and she's giggling and smiling and speaking to her friend and that's not a real person that they say they are and I wish she would not pull her phone out to talk to those people around me because it does trigger me because I went through a lot of grief proving her wrong about 3 other instances of this.

And it put my sister through a lot of grief as well but she is better at not giving a fuck and blowing it off because she has the lovely brain of a 22-year-old and it's much easier when you're that age in my opinion to just not care and be all up your own ass

And I do wish that I could go back to my brain in my teenage and early 20s because I feel like I had the appropriate amount of no fucks given on certain subjects versus now

I was braver back then and now I'm scared to go to the grocery store alone

And that is not good and I don't like that at all and I'm no I'm not the only one because it's a common topic online with people there is even memes about it. But these sort of things I cannot stand and I'm tired of dealing with

It is frustrating seeing my sister fuck her life up and yeah none of this is in my circle of control absolutely none of my family is in my circle of control. And they are triggers and I love them any way even though they've hurt me very very badly. And I feel very rejected by them and a lot of people because people don't understand me.

I do feel more understood by other people who are similar to me because I think that those kind of people like me communicate the same way.

Like some other autistic people I know understand exactly what I mean and I don't feel the urge to repeat. I feel comfy and I actually relax talking with them.

Matthew the past person not to be confused with my ldr...was autistic and adhd. They felt like home and it was EXTREMELY easy to communicate with them about everything. Sometimes I have fantasies that they will divorce the wife and come get me. But I know that's a very unlikely scenario.

Matt and me want to be close. He's grieving things and being vulnerable with me and clear and learning and I think we're doing well on being supportive and clear with one another.

I do wish he would visit but I have insecurities that I'm sure he has that it won't feel the same in person or what if there's no in person chemistry and I know he has worries about his social circle wondering why he is in Louisiana. He's private and doesn't want to be nagged by friends and family who would find out and flip. They already don't like his other partner Kathleen because she is married. Her husband and Matt are just friends though they hang out. They aren't in a relationship afaik. So those ppl that had fits about her wouldn't respond well to me. However he has told me that there are a small circle of people that do know about me because I asked because I was like hey you know I'm not jealous I'm just curious but do you talk about me like you talk to me about how much you love Kathleen and he answered and said yes he just doesn't really talk to a large amount of people because he made the mistake of doing that with Kathleen and he got a lot of shit for it. And he doesn't want to go through that again and I can understand why he doesn't want me to be in the spotlight and people to be trying to add me as a friend or question my motives and my feelings for him like they did with his other partner. And their relationship is completely separate than mine and his and it doesn't really bug me too much because I mean it just doesn't I don't know how to explain that like I don't feel jealousy like other people do in my opinion. Like I've been jealous before but it didn't last very long like not even a full day. The longest I've ever been angry and jealous with him about another person was aspeak and then I got over it 1 day I was just like what I was just like whatever fuck it. I understand that he has a stronger connection with her since she's there and he sees her all the time. Like physical connection. And you know I've been talking to him about the same amount of time andI think that we have a beautiful emotional connection and when we did have a long distance toy we did have a decent long distance physical connection but those fuckers have very faulty mechanics and break very easily and aren't cheap to replace and I gave up on it for a bit because it's not within my budget and he bought the first one and so I would need to buy the second 1 and honestly I don't feel that the sexuality is very necessary and nor does he right now like we're both just not feeling eager to be sexual In a long distance manner howeverIt doesn't mean that that effects are dominant submissive relationship which is not supersexual either. Sometimes we have moments but it's not like other people I know that fuck like rabbits. It's not like that kind of thing. It's sort of unique unto its own. And I tried to explain to my mother the reason that I hadn't flown to see him and he hadn't flown to see me is because we are not in good places in our lives to do that and we both have big stupid fears and we both do want to do that it's just not the right time. And I don't view it as an excuse he has been very clear and so have I. I feel like it's a healthy relationship even though it's long distance and I am threatened and pissed that it was brought in to question by my mother today just as much as he was angry when his mother and father disapproved of his relationship with someone who is married already.

I mean he has expressed that he wants me to get enough attention from someone here because he can't be here to do that for me he wants me to get my needs met but I can't really find anybody here that I'm comfortable with right now other than my ex-boyfriend who is acting strange since he got s over and seems to be hanging out with people that I find to be still unhealthy for him but he is much younger than me. So that I don't know if it will ever be a thing again because we have gone from friends with benefits to dating back to friends with benefits and then he was out of the country for a year teaching english and he was very miserable and he came back and it was friends with benefits and then at 1 point he decided to put me in best friend zone or whatever the case and I was like OK and I accepted it even though it was sad And I did tell him that if he changed his mind to let me know and then the week's following he gave me very mixed signals because he would flirt with me Very obviously and I would be shy and then not realize that he was trying to get it on with me. And now when we see each other in public it is just very awkward and it used to not be and I don't understand. I mean he's sober now and I wouldn't change that I'm very happy for him but I miss the way he was vulnerable when he was drunk all the time. I don't want him to drink again though. And he's the only guy in Baton Rouge that I think I would allow to touch me at this point in time. Probably the only man in this state.

I mean I'm getting really sick of my pamentioning that I should date Travis and I should try out stuff with him when me and Travis are like you no thank you we are basically siblings that's incestuous disgusting no fucking thank you. He's not my type and I'm not his type we get along great as friends and I'd like to keep it that way.

Then I have Justin who cannot follow my boundaries of I will contact you when I am doing better and we can hang out and talk and be friends. Instead he is texting me random things and I am not replying because I am pissed off that he has crossed those boundaries. He is pushing those boundaries just like he tried to push me to have sex and I am very mad about that still. Because yes I understand that men just get hard for no reason or when they're turned on sometimes I get it I understand that but when you're cuddling with somebody and you're like poking your Dick into their butt on purpose and then pretending like you're not doing it on purpose that is violating. Because I've cuddled with many men and if that happened with them and they knew that we were not going to be having sex they would excuse themselves to the restroom and take care of the problem so it would not bother me.

I mean Matthew was asexual and would often have that happen and my ex-boyfriend would have that happened and I would not want to do anything other than cuddle and they would not ask to do anything further and they would be respectful.

And I am still very bothered by Justin because it's like I did really want to be friends with him and try out a little relationship but he did not understand me at all and he was very pushy and he would put things on me and so now trying to have a friendship with him feels very weird because he's nothing like he was when we had our little fling when we were younger he has something wrong with him there is something off

And when I say that there's something wrong there's something off it's in the eyes. His eyes scare the fuck out of me now they are not the same eyes I remember. And you know when people say that all of their exes were crazy that's a giant red flag because how can his past 2 ex-girlfriends be crazy when you know I heard all of the information and I feel like there's lots of missing you know plot holes. And I thought that it was gonna be a thing that worked out and we could date and things like that but as soon as he learned that I would not be giving him sex he quit treating me as nicely and he had a tantrum about reading a book about polyamory and I'm just like what's wrong with just learning about it then I thought that you were okay with that and he was like no I was gonna be that for you and I'm like that's not a good thing you don't try to be polyamorous for someone when you're not built that way. He was very threatening to my relationship with Matt and he was very disrespectful towards him and I don't like that.

I wish I could just well I actually could break the boundary and try and talk to Matthew because there's things I still want clarity on and I know that Matthew doesn't hate me but I don't want to cause upheaval in their marriage.

I mean he lied to me. And he holds himself at fault and he has apologized and I have forgiven him even though it was very hard and even though I still get angry about it I forgave him because I understand. It is pretty frustrating that You know he stayed in the marriage for his children and I know that he still can't stand his wife and that relationship but he's just faking it for his children until they are older.

I know this to be true because one of his best male friends is actually banned from hanging out with him alone as well because his wife's psychotic. She doesn't want him hanging out with anyone no matter what gender they are other than her and the kids and his family. However he and his guy friend who I also know did meet up at some point and he was able to communicate with them to relate to me that he was not happily with her he was just doing it for the kids. And they were separated at the time that me and him had an asexualCuddle buddy watch movies eat pizza sort of relationship. And he had lied to me about things to do with her but not about the abusive things that she did because I heard many voice calls of her just verbally abusing the crap out of him and it took everything for me not to pipe up and say something really awful to her. I mean I even helped him look for divorce attorneys because he was just ready to end the marriage.

And then at some point he decided that it was going to be terrible for his children and he quit with the idea of ending the relationship and started to go to couples therapy with her and they became no longer separated and that is what the lying was about.

And she was more angry with him And told me that it wasn't my fault and she didn't blame me and she just asked if I had sex with her husband and I said nope and we never did and all that ever happened is he kissed me and I was honest with her and she has control over his phone and he is not allowed to use it to talk to anyone around her but I suspect that he has another phone or when he goes to his mother's house Where he has a room there when he can't stand to be around his wife is when he gets on tik tok And He will like everything I repost or he will like the tiktok that I make. And I did have a very short conversation with him on there and I felt bad for breaking that boundary and I haven't spoken to him since but I talked to him to get clarity about something and he sent me a paragraph that was very scripted. But it gave me the clarity I needed and it seems like that's never going to be a thing and I am grieving that. And I was never involved with them to be a homewrecker I really did think that they were going to get a divorce and it didn't start off as a romantic thing at all we were friends first and he made those moves. But it really wasn't many moves to make because we were just so comfortable around one another and there was no sex there was curious kisses basically because he didn't really like that too much and I didn't care because that's not really super important to me if it's somebody I care about like there's toys I wouldn't die.

And I don't know I need to just shut up for a while but I keep talking because I'm stressed out and I need to get certain things out of my system.

I mean right now as I speak my neighbors are outside in the pool purposefully hollering and screaming and it is very distressing to me and when I came home to that bullshit yesterday it was very upsetting to the point my mom had to come spend the night and I feel shit about that but I am scared. To come home today and have those neighbors glaring at me near my apartment eating chips the same chips that we're in the fucking astray Was very telling that they are the ones that were responsible for touching and fucking with my property and that means they have no respect for me or others or others property and they don't care about anything and they don't understand what the word courtesy means and it's really interesting because they're muslims and Muslim people like real Muslim people who practice religiously do not act like that from my experience. Like I don't know I suppose it's the same thing with christians and Christianity I don't follow either of those really because I don't think that I need an imaginary friend to have good morals and values. I don't doubt that there's some sort of higher power of some form butI don't subscribe to made up imaginary friend religions that are more new than anything els Like I mean there's ancient religions that you know how to a female and in history it seems like a lot of the female dynamics in religion have been erased and that's fucked up

Anyway I'm off-topic again always it seems. But yeah my neighbors are outside being extremely loud and screaming on purpose because I think the office let them know that I had PTSD and I think they're just now torturing me aside from fucking with my shit to get back at me.

I cannot wait to move and I am so scared that I'm going to lose it before I get to move.

I wish I could just have a sit down talk with office mediation with those neighbors so I could explain to them that I don't actually have any problem with them as people I just would not like to hear them screaming and hollering and being very trashy all times of day. And I know with apartments you get a mixed bag of neighbors but you know my neighbors before even a fucking drug dealer we're super polite and super courteous. And it doesn't have to be this way at all and I think you know if the courtesy officer sat down and the office manager sat down and I sat down and so did the occupants of that apartment and I just explained that like Hey you're really loud and it's difficult for me to get any rest when I'm hearing screaming and nobody else around the complex does this because I go on walk sometimes when I can make myself get out of the apartment and I've never had this problem in the past 5 years with anybody that lives here. Just mostly people off the street and people off the street jumping the fence to get in the pool which would be loud because they would treat it like a public pool instead of a private residential pool.

It also sort of disturbs me that people have their kids playing in the pool by themselves outside past 8 PM at night II don't know what sort of parenting that is but I think it's pretty fucking stupid and 1 day they're going to end up Walking out there and one of their children will be drowning and no 1 is going to get down there fast enough or something.

I know it's a lot of my control is just frustrating and I need to vent

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