#he’s also like. coping bc he took Ben’s ���thing’

[pistachi0art]

More Ben fam stuff I believe I have neglected to put here

[unfinishedcardigan]

One of the things I'll NEVER forgive the movies is the fact that they took away important personality traits from the losers (as kids).

Like how they removed the dam scene, which explained Ben's line of thought, like, how his mind works for the whole architecture thing. Also like, how they really just brushed off the whole clubhouse thing, since he legit does it for his friends BC he loves them and that.

Or how they took from Mike his research about the damn town and gave it to Ben. Like, in Ben it kinda makes sense since the guy is new and all. BUt IN MIKE? Mike researches bc he wants it to end, it is really interesting for him, and is legit half the things he does in the book, where he goes around picking up all the info he could gather about Derry to learn how to defeat IT, and it really bugs me how they gave it away.

Speaking of Mike, it also bugs me they KILLED his parents. Like, I get it, they wanted more character development or sum, but, William and Jessica Hanlon lit didn't do anything to deserve that fate. Also, they were really nice parents, so it also bugs me, because in a world in which things don't go good for Mike due to his skin color, the fact that he had great parents kinda balanced it. BUT NOO, THEY HAD TO KILL THEM.

And finally, the one that bugs me the most is Stan. Like, BIRDS. HOW COULD THEY TAKE AWAY THE BIRDS? Like, first of all, that was Stan's major bond with his dad, one of the few times they could spend with eachother because that's Donald's legacy on his child, sharing that love for birds. And like, birds were Stan's main reason to carry on while into the sewers. When Stan was about to give up he would think of birds. Hell, birds were just THAT important that when Stan was trying to overcome his fear for IT, his strategy was LITERALLY SCREAMING BIRDS NAMES. Like, this cute boy was screaming bird species to this outer space creature so it didn't eat him. AND THEY TOOK THAT FROM HIM, NOT CARING FATHER, NO BIRDBATH, NO BOOK TO KEEP HIM FROM GIVING UP. THEY ROBBED THIS POOR KID.

Special mention to Bill's grief, since they brushed over it, while (since in the book Bill knows Georgie is dead since the beginning) his guilt is immense, and is also his motivation for going into the sewers. He wants to revenge Georgie to make up for his (now) toxic household. That's sweet, and he really cared, and all that, and I can't cope with the fact that the guilt he feels is different, because we don't see a grieving older brother that feels guilty for being sick; we see a boy in denial BC "no body = He's alive" and I can't, BC he's not acting mature, just whiny.

So yeah, I hate how they treated the losers' main traits, taking IMPORTANT stuff from them.

(note: I still love them, it just hurts to see how they took apart this characters to take important facts of them and that).

[candle-lamp]

Hello, can you do headcannons for sbg post all the phantom stuff living together? (You know, to cope with their PTSD)

of course ^^

- they all cook together bc it would be way too much work for one person to cook for six, usually they just make a ton at the beginning of the week and eat leftovers

- everyone has a room/personal space but most days everyone just falls asleep in one big pile in the living room

- I imagine this is while they're in college so group study sessions are common (and as they have fewer classes together, they still like to study in the same room)

- after all the phantom stuff, none of them like the dark, so every room has night lights and/or LED strips

- whenever someone gets sick, they rotate out who stays to take care of them (once, the whole group came down with the flu at the same time, whoever felt the least awful at any given moment took care of things)

- speaking of getting sick, the ones who gets sick most to least often are: Tyler, Taylor, Aiden, Logan, Ashlyn, Ben. Tyler will deny this fact, and usually ignores his sickness

- over time, Ashlyn became more comfortable with the group touching her hair, and there have been competitions of who can braid it the best (current rankings: Ben, Taylor, Logan, Tyler, Aiden (he tries so hard, but usually gets his fingers tangled up))

- the group was essentially immune to melatonin so they decided to try going a while without it to get rid of their tolerance for it. it was awful, but when they finally caved and went back to it, it worked like a charm (Logan is still convinced it's the placebo effect, but he doesn't really care)

- in their group chat, they send updates on what they're doing constantly as a way of showing they're okay, when someone doesn't text for more than a few hours everyone gets concerned

- there's always music playing in the house, be it from someone's phone/speaker or someone actually playing it, but it was a habit they fell into to show someone was home

- on the topic of music, Ben gave everyone at least a few guitar lessons

- Taylor convinced everyone to have an at-home spa day with facemasks and manicures, everyone ended up enjoying it and it became a monthly tradition

- every few days they have a mental check up where the group talks about any struggles they've had recently, usually stuff like nightmares and flashbacks, but also stress in their current activities

And that's all ^^ these were super fun to write, thank you for the request!

[melissacove]

BEN drowned headcanons

hey so the pull said yes so imma give you My BEN drowned headcanons

Warning - one of these mentions s3lf h4rm but not like, in detail. It’s mainly talking about his emotions in that one.

BEN has long hair, like not very long, like about three - to - five inches beyond his shoulders. He puts it in small ponytails sometimes:)

he does smoke weed, but he’s not a chainsmoker/stoner. He only does it like, once a week when he’s particularly stressed.

he paints his nails sometimes, usually black.

He likes video games… …ok, I lied. He LOVES games. He’s also kinda good at them - ok I lied again, he’s is GOD at video games. Well, Nintendo that is. Which leads me into the next headcanon-

he once played Minecraft with Herobrine. He legit couldn’t figure out how to mine wood😭 he can’t play EA, Sega, Mojang, et cetera. It’s hilarious watching him try… he can beat any Nintendo game, he’s perfect at Nintendo and has every Nintendo game, console, comic, anime, YouTube video, etc. on his shelf. Oh, also the merch. Yet, he still cannot do any other company. He just knows the way Nintendo writes their games. (Talking to every NCP, big worlds, no-skip dialogue/loooong no- skip cutscenes, etc.) any other way a game could be written feels foreign to him, I guess. Like Minecraft, he was so confused when the villagers and zombies didn’t have dialogue lol.

The reason he ended up latching on so hard to Majora's Mask is because of the stress of being born into a cult, his cult (the Moon Children) are known for blood letting and their gore-involving rituals. He became slightly skeptical and that’s why he was killed (or ‘sacrificed’) by the Father when he was. His only escape from this madness was his friends (pre-death Lost, Glitchy Red and Strangled Red and Herobrine. They were the gaming clique, although his friends weren’t in his cult.)

he’s a crossdresser, you can’t change my mind.

he has a really cool Princess Peach cosplay but doesn’t wear it out bc he’s trying to protect his ‘bad boy tough guy’ reputation. Only Lost has seen the cosplay, since BEN only really opens up to Lost.

Lost Silver x Ben there’s no telling me otherwise.

BEN drowned is asexual and gay. Lost is asexual and biromantic.

BEN struggles with s3lf h4rm. Herobrine (the game pastas consider him like a father, G. Red even calls him Dad sometimes) is the only one who knows about this and tries his best to help. BENs issue stems from the blood letting in the moon children having given him a twisted perspective on how to cope with trauma. He’s trying his best.

BEN is fine with showers, but he’s afraid of pools, baths, oceans, rivers and bridges that go over water. (He was dumped off a bridge and that’s how they sacrificed him.)

He has severe trauma from Majoras Mask, but it helped him through the hardest time in his life back when he was alive… he has mixed feelings on it. N64 is still his favorite console though, so he plays the old N64 Mario Kart tracks on his switch. He considers them friends from a simpler time.

ik this was proven not canon but I love the dynamic so in my au headcanon thing Sally Williams is BEN’s half sister. (Hence the different last names.)

his mother and father divorced when he was eight when his Mom found out his Dad has been raising their son in a cult.

his Mom took Sally, who was three at the time, and moved. BEN had always been a daddy’s boy though, so he decided to stay with his dad. (Plus his mom didn’t let him play Majoras Mask on his 3ds when they went out but his dad did, so theres also that.)

there lemme know if you want more of this bc I had way too much fun writing this lol

[thegeminisage]

(it's totally okay to add it and I did see your reply just wanted to let you know!! also feel free to ignore this if you're over talking about it)

but yeah I hate the idea that dean can't be happy if he hasn't done XYZ checklist of things people have decided is the right way to cope because healing is not one sized fits all, and it isn't a destination. he is always going to be carrying the weight of what has happened to him and the things he's done but that doesn't and shouldn't mean he can't have a life he feels more comfortable and happy in than we see him in the series.

it also like to me just ignores the fact we have seen him happy in canon. not often/for long due to *gestures at the spn universe* but it seems to come from this idea that he can't achieve /true/ happiness unless he fits these ideals of what healing should look like and therefore doesn't value the very real happiness he /has/ had in his life, however rare. and I think the joy and good times he's had in his life do matter and selling that short is, harmful. the idea you can't be happy or content until you're finished healing the Right Way and anything before that wasn't valuable because you were still dealing with your trauma/mental illness just..makes me a bit sick honestly. it feels like good survivor/bad survivor discourse repackaged.

which to me ties in with the total deconstruction of him as a person/character that you mentioned which is a huge issue I too have with the implications of this whole ideal. as if the dean winchester we see in canon isn't deserving enough or capable of healing and happiness already and needs to become a different person to deserve/achieve those things which is, and I can't emphasize this enough, a very fucked up idea I wish people would take ten whole seconds to think through. anyway this is long but just wanted to say thank you for your consistently good takes<3

(original post for context)

UUUUUUGH ok you literally hit the nail on the head. good survivor/bad survivor discourse kermit nod exactly. also like, we saw dean try to be "normal" in season 6 with ben and lisa and like...he was miserable. i think dean's normal and dean's idea of happiness is different than what our idea of it for him might be. it's like with people who want cas to punch john. sure YOU want that but what would DEAN want?

imo the times dean's been happiest in canon are when he's surrounded by his family and/or he's in a fight he think he has a good shot at winning. a lot of people want dean to quit hunting and i get that because it's shitty and dangerous but dean finds so much of his meaning in his work. i think he could learn to find meaning in other things alongside it but i also think he'd never be happy fully giving up the life - just look at how guilty he feels in 2.20 knowing he's not out there helping people. i see his ideal scenario being like, he becomes the new bobby or something, and being out without being ~loud & proud~ if that makes sense. it's not the healthiest option but it's the one that would offer him the most contentment i think.

this is also related to a weird soapbox i have with people saying sam and dean should have separate houses. like yeah dean viewed separation from his family as the worst possible thing that could happen to him for the first ~40 years of his life but sure you think that's toxic so make them live in different houses??? dean gave up a "normal" childhood for sam and sam in turn is giving up a little bit of a "normal" adulthood for dean - he says so many times that he stays in the life in large part for/because of his brother, he wouldn't fucking move out unless he took dean with him. similarly when people want them to move out of the bunker bc it's not like a home, it's not a house with a yard...i get that and i have mixed bunker feelings but at the same time it's SAFE and it's THEIRS. they don't have to do wards or lay salt lines...you could not ASK for a place better designed to help them put down their hypervigilance.

but yes, the ultimate goal of healing is for dean to not be in pain, not necessarily for dean to become a "normal" sober starbucks-drinking dog-walking citizen with pride flags in his yard. it's just something people lose sight of. and i'm sure nobody is sitting there purposely engaging in good survivor/bad survivor discourse when they're just drawing cute art head empty but like UNINTENTIONALLY. the implications. when a healed dean is a dean erased then we have lost the thread a little bit is all i'm sayin

(continuation of this discussion here) [spn masterpost]

[kittylaboo]

HC: Peter Parker didn’t know he was Bi until Harley Keener

So this took a turn I wasn’t expecting, also it’s a lot longer than I was expecting I’m sorry also Idk how to do the cut thing so my bad  

 TW: Mentions of Rape

Okay so Peter Parker is *Straight*

He likes girls, really likes girls

He literally went on a date with Liz (it may have ended with her moving away bc he put her dad in jail but that’s besides the point)

And he may have had a brief crush on MJ 

So Peter Parker is *Straight*

Boys are gross, and trust Peter he knows

He doesn’t ever want to think of men in a sexual matter

He 10/10 supports anyone who comes out to him 

But anytime he thinks about how boys could possibly be into him, his brain immediately goes to Skip Wescott 

And how Peter was 9 when it started and that he never wants to be in a position like that again

It was horrible and scary, and Peter Parker likes women and only women, and he will never be anyone’s Skip. And he will never put himself in a position where there can be another Skip.

So Peter Parker thinks men suck. 

(Obviously beside Ned and Mr Stark, they’re cool, but Peter has known Ned forever and Mr Stark is literally a super hero, and Peter only became such a huge fan of Iron Man and Tony Stark because of what happened)

His therapist tells him it was his way of coping with what happened 

Then one day Happy picks Peter up at school on an non-lab day because Mr. Stark has someone that he wants Peter to meet

Peter really hopes its the Black Widow (because they’re both spider themed heroes !! how cool !!!)

Peter meets Mr Stark and this mystery person in the living room

Mr Stark introduces Peter Parker to Harley Keener

Harley Keener looks hot good, hes tall and wears a leather jacket and cowboy boots with skinny jeans. He looks so out of place, but he doesn’t look bothered by it either

Peters heart skips a beat, but Peter chalks it up to be anxiety 

“Hey there Peter, I’m Harley”

Oh my god he has an accent, an actual southern accent

And doesn’t that just make Peters heart race 

“Tony here tells me you’re a real Einstein” He laughed

Harley laughed. Peter is not laughing

Peter hears his blood rushing, and feels himself go cold. His spidey-sense is just going off

Peter looks to Mr Stark whose smile falters at the look of pure-fear on Peters face

Mr Stark doesn’t know. Peter never told him. Any files about what happened never include Peters name, or any family members name, so Mr Stark wouldn’t have stumbled on it, unless he went into Peter’s Therapists notes, which he hasn’t because he may be nosy but he isn’t invasive 

Peter knows what this is, he knows he’s going into a panic attack. He was triggered and he needs to get out. Out out out before anything can happen

“So-sorry, I’ve gotta, I gotta go, something came up wi-with May. It was um, it was nice meeting you Harley.”

Peter left, and made it back home, though he doesn’t remember how he made it from Manhattan to Queens and into his apartment.

He’s home and it’s not the safest place, can’t go into his bedroom but it’s better than there

Tony beat him to the apartment (without Harley), already sitting with May when Peter walks in

May is quick to give Peter his favourite over-sized sweater (it makes him feel safe) sitting him down in the living room, putting a knit blanket over him, and giving a bottle of water. 

“Pete, you okay kid?” Mr Stark asks 

And Peter is fine, he always has been, so he nods 

“Do you want to talk about why you were triggered into a panic attack” His voice is soft as he speaks to Peter, like Peter would break

May sits next to Peter, pulling him into her 

“Adrian Toomes was not the first person Spider-Man sent to jail” Peter started the story like this because it was easier to tell it, his therapist may not be happy with it but she’ll be happy he’s making progress by telling some

“Spider-Man was 11 when he sent his first person to jail. It was a year long trial, one kid versus one 18 year old. He used to call Spider-Man, Einstein”

Peter seemed to be done with his explanation after this, deeming it enough information for Tony to understand what happened

It wasn’t 

But May sending a text that said “Search Skip Wescott” gave Tony the opportunity to find out what happened later 

(Tony is really pissed when he reads what happens, and makes sure Skip get transferred to worst prison and that he can never leave)

“Okay, Pete, I’ll talk to Harley about not calling you that. But Harley will be going to the same school as you, okay? That’s why I wanted you two to meet.”

After that first night Peter goes back to being his usual chipper self

And Harley starts at Midtown 

Peter was just rounding the corner outside of the school to see Harley getting dropped off by Happy

After a moment of hesitation Peter went up to Harley and offered to help him on his first day (because Peter will not let his overwhelming fear take over and he will be friendly for the sake of Mr Stark and that is all)

Despite Peter’s uneasiness and distrust Peter and Harley get on like a house on fire

Peter started to feel really close to Harley, and Harley would often throw his arm around Peter’s shoulder and call him things like sugar, or sweet thing or darling

And Peter liked that a lot, except he didn’t because it was weird (but he really did)

And Peter would always go tomato red whenever Harley was around

Even Ned and MJ recognized the crush Peter had on Harley and vice versa

“Dude when are you going to make a move on him?”

“What the fuck, Ned? I’m straight, Harley and I are friends”

“Peter are you being serious right now? You both obviously have a crush on each other. Harley knows you like him too.”

“The fuck MJ, I expected you to be more understanding about this. We are friends. Maybe I come off as gay to you because I choose to respect people and am not the exact definition of a ‘toxic male,’ but I don’t fucking like you guy assuming that I like men. Men ain’t shit and I’m not going to find myself in another situation like I used too. I like women”

“What’s your issue Peter? You homophobic now? Didn’t peg you as that.”

“Fuck MJ, this isn’t your business. I’m an ally, people love who they love, but I don’t like men, and you need to stop pushing that on me. I have my reasons, you have yours.”

“Peter, the way you’re going off on MJ isn’t really helping your point much-”

“Would the two of you just shut up about this. I don’t like other guys. Women are it for me. I will not be stuck under another man. Fuck, I’m straight and you need to stop pushing the idea that I’m into Harley just because you want me to live out your little fantasies of what my life should be like.”

Peter didn’t talk to them the rest of the day. Not because he was angry but because he was embarrassed that he said too much 

At the tower Peter and Harley were cuddled together sitting next to each other watching Brooklyn Nine-Nine and talking

Peter really loved Harley’s Blue eyes

And his accent

And his face

And Harley in general

But totally only in a friends way

They’re bros

“I want to try something real quick, you can tell me if I’m wrong, but I don’t think I am” 

And then Harley kisses Peter

Harley Kisses him

And Peter freaks out

Without even thinking about it, Peter pushes Harley off of him and bolts, leaving the tower without his phone, shoes or bag, Peter just leaves

Once Peter gets outside he throws up, before his anxiety takes over again and he just runs and runs and runs

Harley is left now sitting on the ground, tears in his eyes, confused and hurt about what just happened

Tony makes it to Harley in record time thanks to Friday, and without a question Harley explains what happened

“I thought he liked me too, Tony, I really did. I don’t know how I messed up this bad.”

“I’m sorry Harls, Peter has been hurt a lot and I just don’t think he was ready yet emotionally for a relationship.”

Tony knows that Peter has probably just been triggered. He’s only heard Peter talk about girls romantically, never boys, but he was sure that Peter and Harley were going to be together at some point

Once Harley finally calms down enough and goes to his room Tony calls May

“May, is Peter with you, he left all his stuff here.”

“No, I thought he was staying with you tonight. what happened?”

“Harley kissed Pete, and he freaked out and ran out without any of his stuff, I was hoping he was with you. His phone is here too.”

“I think I know where he is, College Point Park. Ben and I used to take him there after any court date.”

“I’ll meet you there.”

“What about Harley?”

“He’s already asleep, I’ll meet you there.”

Tony and May get there in record time, finding Peter sitting on the rocks facing the East River.

“Peter?” May called out.

Peter turned around, his face clearly red, tears streaming down his face.

“I don’t understand” Peter finally said as May and Tony got close enough

“What don’t you understand?” Tony asked

“Harley kissed me. He kissed me. I expected to hate it. But I didn’t. I liked it when he kissed me. I should hate it though. He’s a boy. I shouldn’t have liked it.”

“Peter it’s okay if you liked Harley Kissing you, and it’s okay if you like him romantically too” May tried to comfort

“But it’s not May, because if I like Harley, and I like him kissing me then that means that I liked it when Skip kissed me. And I didn’t like anything he did to me.”

“Peter, I like when Pepper and I kiss, but that doesn’t mean that if May were to kiss me that I’d like it. Same thing goes for you kiddo.”

“I like girls though. I can’t like Harley.”

“You can like both boys and girls. You could be Bisexual or maybe not. No matter what it’s okay.” May said again.

“I need time. I can’t- I need Dr Rosenburg and I need to not be Spider-Man and I need to not see Harley or Ned or MJ. I need time.”

“Okay baby, you can have as much time as you need.” 

Peter ends up taking a week off of school, with daily appointments with his therapist. He went completely ghost mode. Wasn’t active as Spider-Man, wasn’t active on social media. Didn’t read or respond to anyone’s messages. Only talking to May or Tony and only if they were at the apartment.

After his week off, Peter finally reappeared at school, still having not responded to anyone’s messages, preferring to just deal with things in person.

“Peter oh my god you’re alive we all thought you died.” Ned shouted from down the hall going to greet his friend, MJ and Harley in tow.

“I’m fine guys, I just had some stuff from the past come back up that needed to be dealt with before I did anything that would hurt other people.”

“What are you talking about Parker, you wouldn’t hurt a fly let alone anyone else.” MJ said confused

“I’ll tell you when I’m ready too but I’m not there yet. My therapist thinks I made good progress this week though.”

“Your therapist?” Ned asked.

“Uh yeah, sorry. MJ, Ned, I really messed up with how I treated you guys the other day, regarding my sexuality, turns out I may of been wrong and you guys were right, I just repressed any of those emotions due to trauma. So, I’m sorry you didn’t deserve that.”

Ned and MJ obviously forgive Peter bc duh they’re friends

“I would like to talk to Harley privately though, so you guys wouldn’t mind?”

So Peter pulls Harley to the side finally getting the chance to talk to him, and wanted to say his words before he lost his nerves.

“Peter I’m sorry-”

“I liked when you kissed me. That’s why I freaked out. I didn’t think it was possible for me to like that, or men. I’m sorry for pushing you away. I wasn’t prepared and my brain automatically went to a dark place. I like you Harley Keener, but I have problems and I want you to be aware of that before we do anything.”

“Okay.”

“If we are going to try this I need you to be aware of my limits. I have a lot of them apparently, and I’m not sure if more will come up or not, but my therapist said that I should talk to you about this stuff before we do anything. If you still like me, that is.”

“Peter Parker you are too precious, of course I still like you, I don’t plan on not liking you for a while yet.”

And then Peter smiles and he feels relieved, because getting to this point took a lot of work and now he’s here and he likes a boy who likes him back who won’t hurt him

[kittybellestark]

Hi ! I don't know if this is where you send requests, but maybe a fic where peter gets all jealous of Morgan and Harley, and its fathers day, but he feels like he shouldn't be there and stays in the room the Stark's have for him- (Tony lives) OH! and maybe Mays dead idk whatever ya want thank you ! <3 Oh! and can I be on the taglist?

hi milove sorry for taking literal months to do your request i recognize you requesting this on nov 18th and it is now February so i hope this is smth that was worth the wait !! 

So I played with the timelines a lil bit bc i suck and i also just kinda took this to a place i don’t think you were asking me to do whoops, it’s not just some cute sibling jealously

also not very irondad based, like sprinkle amounts. also no comfort. my bad 

Post-endgame, Tony lives, Harley & Peter are the same age, Peter got snapped Harley didn’t 

TW: Grief, implication of suicide(minor character), suicidal thoughts,  

-

There wasn’t many things Peter liked. He remembers liking a lot of things, life, school, home, himself. But that was years ago, and yet it was only a few months for Peter. The world was different now, older.

Those who survived held grief in their eyes, they moved slow and while they have grown since the loss of their world, they also had survived the return. They mourned and grew older, making new family and friends. But some who survived couldn’t hold the weight of their loss, and in the 5 years their family was gone, they went to be with them.

The returned came back, and lived in denial. Their eyes were empty, and every movement was carefully thought through. They were left behind, monuments in their place. Those who returned saw how the survived struggled to cope, and in turn they struggled as well. There was no place for them anymore. Especially when they didn’t have a family to go to.

Like Peter.

Peter returned to the world five years later to find May was gone. She was one of those who survived the initial snap, only to not be able to carry the grief. He hated that he came back to life and had no home, no family. Peter was alone.

Tony was nice enough to offer Peter a place to live with his own family. But they couldn’t relate to him, they didn’t know what it felt like to be left behind like this, to be dropped in the future and expected to be okay. Tony had a family now. A child born in an empty world, and another kid, Harley. He was barely a teenager before the snap and now he was 17, just as old as Peter.

He couldn’t help but hate living with them. Harley’s family had returned, but he wasn’t going home. Morgan was a child who was scared by Peter. Tony and Pepper sometimes forgot Peter was there, after spending so long without him they would act as if they’ve seen a ghost when Peter rounds the corner and into whatever room they’re occupying.

Peter missed May. He wished that he could still be in Queens, living in their apartment. Peter missed Ben and he missed the idea of his parents. He should have never returned. There’s no room for him in this world.

He hated how Harley took advantage of their situation. He hated that Harley had a family, a mother and a sister who returned and are alone and he didn’t go back to them. His family returned to him and yet he’s here with Tony. And he hated how Morgan took her family- her full, completed family for granted.

If Peter’s family came back to life there wouldn’t be anything stopping him from being with them. He would cherish every single nano-second if they were alive again.

And yet they all expected Peter to be okay. Adapted. Used to the future like he didn’t just blink and find himself lost and alone. He brings up that he misses May and someone frowns and tells him how long ago she died. How was that supposed to help him? No one even brought him to the cemetery. How is Peter meant to move on from a life that was stolen from him?

It’s not like any of them were okay. Tony and Pepper and Harley all crumbled as whenever there was a reminder of everything that they lost. Peter, unfortunately happened to be one of those reminders.

Tony and Pepper tried their best. They involved Peter in family bonding time and they tried their best not to flinch when Peter is unexpectedly there. Because they survived, they didn’t understand and talking to them led to dead ends.

He tried communicating with them. Cried over May’s death, had been confused about these new things that are actually years old. For them it was so long ago, a literal lifetime ago, so they never really saw the point in talking about these things. It wasn’t that they thought Peter would figure this out, they just assumed he already knew.

Talking to Harley didn’t really work that well either. He didn’t want to talk about the things Peter missed out on and when asked about his family he would shrug and say that he’s moved on.

And, well, Morgan was a kid. She was born in an empty world, told stories of people that she never should have met and now faced with the world doubling and not understanding any of it. Peter Parker was just a character is bedtime stories and now he’s a ghost who wants her home. She used to cry whenever Peter is around and still tries to hide behind people’s legs. 

God, he hated being this kid. Never wanted to be the one who envied others. Before- when it was still just May and Peter, he didn’t feel this gnawing inside him, while they didn’t have much Peter still had someone who fit all the rolls he needed. He hated being jealous, he didn’t feel this when he used to look at anyone who had two living parents.

He shouldn’t be here. Not in this room, which came decorated with everything Peter had loved before he died- and not alive. He didn’t fit. Not into this family who struggles with the idea he’s alive and not on this planet where the world is still mourning the people who came back. 

“Are you coming downstairs?” Harley asked.

Peter can’t be here. He had no right.

“I have a taxi coming to get me.” 

That wasn’t a lie. Something he scheduled last night at some point, between the tears and holding his breath. Peter didn’t think anyone would be awake at this time, Sunday’s were always the day that everyone slept in and Peter could just be alone outside of his room.  Sometimes he would just sit in the living room and other times he’d wander around the property, often ending up by the lake. By the time everyone would start waking up Peter would be back in his room with some breakfast and try not to bother anyone. 

“Okay, well it’s fathers day, so I think they might be expecting your presence in some form. We have plans and all that.” 

Of course they do. They always make plans where Peter only finds out the day before or day of. Maybe Peter has plans. They could consider that. Okay, maybe Peter never really has any plans, nothing more than trying to understand this new world. And maybe he didn’t make the active effort to find where he fit in this home, but he is the child and it shouldn’t really be up to him. Harley probably didn’t have to engage with the adults first. Tony and Pepper more than likely got input from Harley on their plans. 

With a sigh Peter nodded. “I’ll cancel the taxi.”

“Cool! I’ll tell everyone you’ll be down soon.”

Harley made sure to give a big smile, before heading downstairs, a bounce in each step he took. Peter really hated Harley for his happiness. 

Taking a moment after canceling the taxi, Peter tried to pull himself together. He forced a smile and pulled his shoulders back. All that needs to be done is sit and nod, occasionally laugh. Pay no mind to the way Morgan looks at him in fear, and don’t see the look of mourning on Tony and Pepper’s face. He needs to not remember Harley’s family alone in Tennessee. 

He went down the stairs and followed the noise to the kitchen. There was laughter and the sounds of dishes clinking against one another. It smelt of pancakes and cinnamon and hash browns and coffee. Standing here Peter could close his eyes and pretend this was seven years in the past, with him and May and Ben. He could imagine Ben making the food and singing along to the radio with May dancing along as she sets the table. But this wasn’t 2016, this was 2023. Instead it was a finished family forced to bring him in, a harsh reminder that he doesn’t belong.

Peter stepped into the kitchen, Pepper was just finishing up breakfast and Harley was setting the table. Morgan was sitting on Tony’s lap whispering into her fathers ear. Food was laid out ready to be served, with orange juice, iced tea and coffee all in their own pitchers waiting to be poured. He moved through the room, trying to not to intrude before sitting down at the table. It didn’t take much longer for Pepper and Harley to sit down as well, Tony moving Morgan into her proper chair. 

Everyone around Peter fell into easy conversation while he stayed silent, trying to focus on his food instead of the way Morgan was starring daggers at him. They talked about their favourite family vacations and laughed at their own jokes. Peter couldn’t help but feel like he was actually sitting out on the porch. This family had five years together, five years of memories and laughter, of love and pain, and Peter wasn’t apart of any of it. He wasn’t a part of any family, his own buried and far too dead.

“Peter, what about you? Did you have any Father’s Day traditions?” 

Hearing Harley address Peter pulled him back to this world, and welcomed in his deep rooted desire to have his family back. Harley had two families now and he left one completely. Abandoned them when they came back to life. And Morgan was sitting here glaring at Peter completely oblivious to the fact that she has her entire family and how privileged she was for it.

“Well I don’t have any memories of my parents, so I don’t think there were any traditions with them. The only people I could ask about that are now dead. Unless you consider going to the cemetery to go visit your dead father you can’t remember a father’s day tradition, then no.”

The entire table stopped eating, all sounds coming to a complete end. Everyone stayed still as if Peter was some volatile bomb that would explode if anyone nearby breathed too hard. He could feel his jaw clench, as he tried to breathe in and out. It wasn’t working.

“Oh, I’m sorry. Should I not bring up my very dead family? Was that inappropriate to say that my father is dead I have no memories? My absolute bad! Next time I’ll consider how uncomfortable it makes everyone here. I mean jeez, Harley has a whole family in Tennessee he hasn’t seen since they reappeared. You’ve got two whole families to choose from, Harls! What an accomplishment. And Morgan, well she’s older than I was when my parents died, so she’s definitely on the right track. And wow, I got a whole second set of parents out of May and Ben. Which was great until I watched Ben die. Until I die and find out while my death was temporary, May’s wasn’t. Whenever I want to be with my family I have to go all the way back to Queens and visit the cemetery. But you all just live in the same house. So genuinely, I’m sorry for not considering your emotions about my dead family.”

“Peter...” Tony whispered, reaching his one hand out to Peter.

Peter shook his head, pulling away, he didn’t want to see the empty eyes starring back at him. He didn’t want to acknowledge the way Tony looks at him with regret and how Pepper looks at him like he’s lost. He didn’t want to see how the three that lived through both snaps always held pain in their eyes. And Peter most certainly didn’t want to see Morgan, who had no idea how lucky she is, that she was born never knowing loss.

Peter didn’t want to see a family who was pulled together in a time of pain. He wanted to see his family. Peter wanted to look across the table and see Ben and May throwing little balls of napkins at each other. He wanted to be Harley and be able to go home and see his family whenever he wants. He wanted to be Morgan and do science experiments with his parents. Peter wanted the one thing he didn’t have, something that Harley and Morgan had an abundance of.

“I don’t have a family anymore. I never got to say goodbye to May. I would give up the rest of my life to see them again. And you guys just can’t understand that. You have you family. You get to see them whenever you want. I can’t ever see mine again. I can never go home. They’re gone.”

After all, Peter was just a ghost, another person who returned, who had been dead for too long. He didn’t belong in a world of survivors. Peter was just another person long gone who no longer fits into the world around him.

-

Taglist: Ask/DM to be added

@peter-is-a-bean @jean-and-diet-coke @dead-inside-pt2 @they-were-cloudsinmycoffee @parkersjiggle @7peternotparker7 @thatonecrackheadshipper @kevinthewoman @faline4you @lynxshinon @narutoyaoifan @pastelwheeler @thecrazymarvelfan @bonjour-gays @thebestqueenoftheworld

[lewdendorff]

im still mad rn so have sum gta lgbt+ hcs.

pls dont bash me im coping leave me alone

michael :

cis he / its bisexual ( male leaning )

probably ftm in some universe

has / had piercings but took most of them out bc of amanda

cats > dogs

has adhd & autism

gorillaz enjoyer

trevor :

mtf she / they / its / nya bisexual

ftm he / it / nya bisexual

wearing 7 inch heels constantly

may or may not have bottom surgery

tattooed t + m on mikey while he was sleeping

tries to be interested in michaels hyperfixations

franklin :

ftm he / they bisexual ( female leaning )

has a space kitty binder

him & lamar r dating

doesnt rlly hate that t & m call him kid

tattooed lamars name on his arm & got a dog paw print next to his name

sonic enjoyer

lamar :

cis he / him ( bisexual male leaning )

supports franklins transition :3

got matching tattoos w franklin

thinks chop is kinda fruity

plays cod halo or csgo religiously

probably listens to slipknot

steve :

ftm he / xe / pup gay

tries to one up dave by buying cooler binders

has top surgery but only wears binders to piss off dave

has constant fights with dave & franklin to see whos more masculine ( also calls them slurs )

ben shapiro or kalvin garrah enjoyer no inbetween

paints nails / gets acrylics

dave :

ftm he / him gay

doesnt have any surgery bc of medical reasons

has an eye brow piercing he got when we was like 20 or sum

doesnt bind most of the time but does pack

wears those one things in ur shoe to make u look taller

is dating steve

[octoberumbrellas]

Potential jobs/careers for the Hargreeves if they weren’t raised by Reginald

In which the (not)Hargreeves were raised in supportive environments where they were able to pursue their own interests and weren’t turned into child super soldiers

also this turned out way longer than intended (like 1500 ish) and I don’t really have creative writing experience so this may read like an essay

Luther: Physical Therapist

Luther would frequently go to the gym for stress relief or just for fun. He would practically become a personal trainer/support team for any of his friends who asked for advice at the gym. The coach at his high school frequently encouraged him to compete in weight lifting, but Luther decided not to because he thought using his powers would count as cheating.

He realized senior year of high school that he could continue helping people by doing what he loves so he decided to study physical therapy when he went to his university. At one point he switched to being a general sciences major but he switched back after a semester.

However, his love of science never faded. He’s become a regular at several science museums and planetariums in his city and the surrounding area. He’s considering going back to college for another degree so he can teach science someday because he’s always had a passion for sharing what he loves.

Diego: EMT (Emergency Medical Technician)

Diego didn’t realize that his good aim came from his powers until he was in middle school; up until then he figured that he just didn’t have any powers. He played t-ball when he was young before switching to baseball and playing through high school. Although he could have used his powers to do supernaturally well, Diego focused on utilizing his own natural talents, which earned him a spot on his university’s baseball team.

Although he considered going pro, Diego decided to become an EMT. He has a passion for helping others and knew that this was a healthy and helpful way to channel the hero instinct that he’s always had.

Even though Diego didn’t pursue a career in baseball, he still enjoys the sport. He volunteers to coach a kids baseball team on the weekends. He has become a significant positive role model for the kids he teaches. Now he occasionally uses his powers to entertain them with pitches that could never happen naturally.

Allison: Lawyer

Luckily, Allison was able to train her powers to only work for a certain phrase fairly early on, when she was around four years old. Her parents helped her come up with a phrase so they could take a break from having ice cream for dinner almost every day.

After a few unfortunate incidences of letting her powers go too far, she decided to be more careful and only use her powers when absolutely necessary. Allison recognized the importance of people using their voices for good so she participated in speech and debate teams and in student government throughout high school and college.

Allison studied pre-law before attending law school. She has taken on many high profile cases and plans to open her own firm fairly soon. She makes it a point to provide low cost or free services to people who may not be able to afford a good lawyer.

Klaus: Philosophy Professor

Being able to speak with the dead caused Klaus to have a lot of questions about the world, life, and the afterlife. His parents helped him to healthily cope with the ghosts around him; now he’s not afraid of ghosts and occasionally is able to help them. He excelled in school and graduated a year early.

Klaus worked as a medium and palm reader to have some extra funds while in college. All of the medium experiences were real but the palm readings were entirely made up (but were somehow always correct).

He double majored in philosophy and classics before pursuing his master’s degree and becoming a philosophy professor. He’s still a bit of a character, but what professor isn’t? Klaus is known for his thought-provoking lectures; students always try to enroll in his classes because they know that it will be a positive experience.

Five: Physicist

While he was very young, Five figured out that he could teleport; once he grew older, he made it his mission to find out how it works. He took as many classes as he could while in elementary, middle, and high school. Five studied physics at his university to continue to study the science behind teleportation.

After graduating college, Five got a job at NASA. His goal is to continue studying his power so that he can replicate it with machines to revolutionize the future of space travel. He’s begun considering whether or not he should attempt to time travel with his powers but he’s still considering the ethics of this.

Five’s other goal is to create the perfect cup of coffee. He worked as a barista in college to help him on this mission; the results were very mixed.

Ben: Book Editor

Ben discovered his powers as a young kid and was, unfortunately, terrified. He began keeping to himself and it took him a while to open up again. During those years to himself, he fell in love with books and literature.

When he began college he chose to study literature, but he switched to professional writing at the beginning of sophomore year. Ben worked at the school newspaper for his last two years of college and he has been working on his own novel on and off for several years.

Now he works as a book editor; this allows him to travel occasionally because he can work practically anywhere. Sometimes, Ben chooses to go somewhere remote so he can allow the thing inside of him to stretch out. He’s also trying to find and meet some of the other people like him so they know that they don’t have to be alone.

Vanya: Music Teacher

Vanya’s parents realized early on that she could healthily channel her powers through music. She enjoyed studying her first instrument so much that she now knows how to play eight, but her favorite is the violin.

She participated in band and orchestra throughout high school and continued on with orchestra through college. Although she didn’t declare a major starting out, Vanya decided to study music education after she began giving music lessons halfway through freshman year.

Vanya now works as a music teacher at an elementary school because she’s great with kids and understands that music can be a good way to channel emotions when you can’t describe what you’re feeling with words. She still does private lessons on the weekends and in the summer.

How they met each other (bc I still want them to be friends without the Academy)

Luther and Five

Luther and Five met in a general science class freshman year. They were in the same group for a project and quickly became friends; partially because they had a lot of shared interests, partially because their other group partner did practically nothing to help.

They rented an apartment together for the next three years. They accidentally discovered each others powers at the same time; while attempting to move a couch up the stairs to their apartment it started to fall, Luther picked it up to keep it from falling on Five as soon as Five teleported away. After that, they were happy to finally stop hiding their abilities. Luther and Five had a shared passion for space; Luther actually suggested that Five could apply his abilities to space travel.

Allison, Vanya, and Klaus

Allison decided to take piano lessons sophomore year, a friend recommended that she take lessons from Vanya. Allison only took lessons for a few months before she had to stop due to a busy schedule but they still hang out at least a few times a month. They met Klaus at a New Year’s Eve party when he offered to read their palms; they both declined but now they all hang out.

Klaus told them that he sees ghosts shortly after they met but they both thought that he was joking. Allison and Vanya realized that he was telling the truth when he manifested a ghost on their birthday junior year. Vanya was excited to share her powers with them but it took Allison a few months to be comfortable with sharing her abilities.

Ben and Diego

While Ben was working at the university paper, he met Diego while writing an article about the baseball team. They ended up in a class together the next semester and became pretty close friends. Even though they didn’t have a ton of interests in common, they both loved video games and would compete in Mario Kart competitions together.

Despite becoming close friends and celebrating a few birthdays together, they never told each other about their powers. Diego was worried that people would find out about his powers and assume he was cheating at baseball, meaning that he would be kicked off of the team. Ben was still not fully comfortable with his abilities and was afraid that he wouldn’t be able to keep them under control.

note: I know that it’s not likely 100% realistic that they would all end up going to a college or university because not everyone does. But it is a realistic way for people with different interests and from different countries to interact with each other so that’s what I went with. Idk I just like to think that they would all still be able to be friends without the experience of being in the umbrella academy to bring them together.

[tlblah]

So let’s track Reginald Hargreeves life bc I need some clarification

We start in the middle I guess.

- he is with his wife in her deathbed, she tells him to go (there are rocket ships leaving the planet)

- she then proceeds to die, and Reggie goes to the window and releases lights from a jar (I wanna know if this is what creates the children but I’m not sure

- We then find out she asked him to take her violin with him and give it to someone who will appreciate it

That’s all we know about him on his home planet.

- Next, he travels to earth. We don’t know if it’s both space and time travel, or maybe the speed of light caused time to travel backward when he traveled to earth? He seemed to land in the 1800s (??)

- He states his name as Reginald Hargreeves and stumbles across an Umbrella Factory I.e the future name (and location) for the Umbrella Academy

We fast forward in time, with an immortal (?) Reggie (though it could be that he ages as an alien but his human suit never does. He could also maybe not age or age super slowly when compared to humans) also what made him such an asshole like damn.

Ok now we’re in the 1960s

- he is that secret 12 illuminati type group. His main interest is the Dark Side of the Moon.

- so i don’t know if he knows human history or not bc if he knew about human history he would have known how to send a human into space but instead he had to call up Grace, who seemed to specialize in primates. Though he does have a serum that gave Pogo a more advanced brain/body?

- question: so he knew about the moon in 2019 but what did he know?? Did he know Vanya was going to be the bomb? Or did he just know that the moon was going to explode and destroy earth bc no aliens would have known Vanya was going to blow up the moon. Which makes more sense, now that I think about it. He knows earth events from an aliens perspective. So something from the timeline after the destruction of earth fucks up his planet. Also when is the commission?? I know they have all the time they want but are they really in a bubble in the space time or are they so far in the future that time has become something that they can control?

Moving on from that brain spiral

- obviously in the original timeline, everything goes as planned

- Grace dies between the 1960s and 1989 bc the children only know her as a robot

- Pogo keeps learning and growing as well

- Reggie is a millionaire and continues to be one the 12 (I’m not sure about this bc the timeline has fucked up we don’t know if he as meant to kill the other 11 or if that happened bc the kids fucked up this new universe. I hate parallel and alternate universes bc you can never fix it or go back bc it’s now it’s own separate strand of a universe)

Zoom past into 1989

- 43 kids are born to mothers who were not pregnant the morning of October 1st. Reggie goes on a shopping spree but it’s not succeeds in getting 7 of them.

- he raise them as trainees with the help of Robot Grace and Pogo

- he numbers them ranking from lowest in power Number 1 to Number 7 before having to mute Number 7 because he could not control her or her power like he could the rest of the children

- he ostracized Vanya, unwittingly causing her to become the bomb at the future date (oh fuck what if Vanya wasn’t the original reason why the moon crashed into earth?? Time travel is so confusing.)

- anyways he raise his children and fucks up perfectly good children.

- Number 5 thinks he knows his powers, and Reggie tells him no, unwittingly pushing Five to over use his powers and get stuck in the future after the apocalypse. Five is now lost in the time line

- Ben dies during a mission, breaking up the team and turns the children against Reggie even more when he blames them for Bens death. They are 17 here

- once they can they move away from their abusive dad leaving Reggie with only Number 1, who follows his dad to tee to shuck off the abuse he felt. Which is even more sad when Reggie sees that coping mechanism as a failure.

- Luther goes on a mission alone, gets injured and Reggie has to inject him with the same stuff he injected Pogo (is that the only thing he knows? Is it from his alien culture??)

- Once Reggie can tell Luther isn’t reacting well to the unwanted body modification, he sends Luther to the moon to both give him a purpose and to not have to deal with having to help Luther work through his pain (like fuck Reggie)

This is where stuff gets hazy. The children lead their own lives and Reggie is alone with Pogo and Robot Grace again for 4 years (the length of time Luther is on the moon)

- 10 days from the apocalypse Reggie kills himself to get the children to all come back home and help avoid the apocalypse (the kids are 30)

- He doesn’t know about Number 5 tho, who is able to jump back just in time, before the apocalypse begins

And that’s where The Umbrella Academy begins

So what are the questions we have about Reggie?

1. Did Reggie create the 43 kids somehow? Was it in the alien news and he just knew when they’d be born? What did he do that could have caused them. Basically what is the origin of the children.

2. What is reggies knowledge of human events. He honestly seemed surprised that they killed JFK so he didn’t know about The JFK assassination. And yet he knew about the apocalypse so maybe he just new human events that affected the galaxy? Or is it that he is from earth but after humanity has been destroyed and aliens took over? The possibilities

3. What happened to Grace? She obviously stayed with him in the past and died before the kids were born, but what happened? And did Reggie really care for her or just her brain? He didn’t seem to care all that much from Robot Grace since he didn’t even give her a room. Was Reggie even able to love anyone after his wife died or is it because he’s an alien that humans seem like puny mortals to him.

4. What made him leave his planet? Is he a scientist looking for something? Is he trying to also fix a timeline? What is the reason he came to earth and why did he feel the need to create the Umbrella Academy?

5. Why the fuck is Reggie such an asshole. Not a real question because he’s just the most asshole person of an alien, but what the fuck.

***** Edit/Note******

The commission never fucking stopped him. The commission must have known about Reggie but they didn’t do anything. Obviously they knew about the real apocalypse since they tried to keep 5 from changing the future and yet Reginald when back in time and live through a freaking century and the Commission didn’t do anything. Obviously he fucked up this timeline yet with just his presence but what the hell, Commission. I mean we hate you guys but what do you know that we don’t. Like is Reggie part of the commission? Are they using him to get what they want? What exactly does Reginald know why do fuck are storylines and timelines so hard when time travel is involved. Bc just this here has hundreds of possible timelines that you can just narrow it down and you only get more questions. Ie

Is there a timeline that the apocalypse happened and Reginald wasn’t involved

Then a timeline where reginal goes back and creates the umbrella academy

Another timeline with other children

A timeline where 5 never got lost

A timeline where 6 never died

Two different timelines where one happened and not the other and vice versa

A timeline that I’ll never believe of Reginald being a decent person

A timeline in The Day That Never Was, where Vanya found out on her own and Allison never got her neck slit.

A timeline where the siblings actually helped Vanya

The new timeline of the Hargreaves in the 1960s

A brand new timeline of the world after the Hargreeves interfered then left then came back in 2019, which is where we are now, with a new Sparrow Academy, a not dead Reginald and a not dead Ben. Also shit, Grace never stayed with Reginald so those children may not have had a decent mother figures they might even be more fucked up than the original 7 (or 6 bc Ben is sweetheart with sass)

[sortasirius]

dean for the character thing!

Ah.  The one.  My comfort character.  Strap in bucko.

Dean

How I feel about this character: Not to be a dramatic asshole but he is literally the love of my life.  In the beginning, he hides all his emotions behind this macho bravado, womanizing personality, all sarcasm and sass, but he’s always been the one with all the emotions.  He’s so fucking smart, he loves Vonnegut and Tolstoy, he’s naturally good at engineering and math, he can rewire literally anything and make it work again.  He’s a kick-ass mechanic, literally built Baby back from the ground up without even thinking about it.  He’s an amazing cook, he’s a natural giver, and is always willing to protect the people he cares about.  He loves fiercely, and has a hard time believing the people he loves would do him wrong.  He loves Taylor Swift, he loves rom coms, he loves cucumber water.  He has hotdog pajama pants and noodle socks that say “Send Noods”  He wanted to be a rock star.  He had to become a parent at five years old, and he always put Sam first, even when he was given another choice, a way to get out of the life, he chose Sam.  He’s a great hunter, he can figure out the through-line or the mo of the bad guy before almost anyone else.  He’s a drama queen™   He’s good with babies, kids, and teenagers.  He stands up for people that are being bullied.  He sings when he’s nervous.  He knows how to flirt his way past a man.  He’s a big nerd that would absolutely be into DND.  His comfort show is Scooby Doo and he watches it when he’s sad.  He calls himself the Meat Man.  He can sing even though he pretends he can’t.  He’s made some really fucked up mistakes.  He took the Mark of Cain, he’s killed innocent people that didn’t deserve it sometimes, he let an angel possess Sam and didn’t tell him about it, he kicked Cas out to protect that secret, he pushed Jack away and othered him because of his anger about Cas and Mary.  But at the same time, he’s overcome so much.  He’s literally gone to Hell and back, gotten through the Mark of Cain, escaped unscathed from Michael, gotten through the connection to Amara, from being a demon.  He’s gone through so much grief but it’s never stopped him from loving and accepting love from others.  I could go on for hours about him, about how much he means to me, how much I love him.  I know it sounds sappy as hell, but he will truly be with me for the rest of my life.

All the people I ship romantically with this character: I will give you one guess lmao.  I mean, it’s Cas, it’s always been Cas.  I love their married energy, I love the way they will literally use their last breaths to sass each other.  I love the random things that just make me go ????????  (”Not every hookup’s perfect”, the mixtape, “And you’re gonna storm in righttttt now”, “what broke the connection?” “I’m not leaving here without you” THE PRAYER?????). I also love that Dean shows him movies and gets upset if he doesn’t remember them.  I love Endverse, and how Ben Edlund basically said “yeah they fuck in the Apocalypse lmao.”  The way they look at each other literally makes me nauseous sometimes.  That profound bond is something else, and I’ve had my clown paint on since 15x01 aired lmao.

NOT Cas related, I really don’t mind Lisa (my hatred of anyone that wasn’t Cas as a teenager was born of hmmmmmm my own self hatred), I think she was exactly what Dean needed, she was a way to get out of the life, but it still wasn’t something he could ever escape.  I’ve always loved the way she listens to him, the way she tries to understand a world that she really can’t wrap her head around.  I also love how good of a mom she is.  Also Cassie, listen I know we only got that girl for one episode but I’ve been in love w her ever since.  And of course, my boy Lee.  Y’all wanna talk chemistry?  I haven’t seen Dean have that kind of chemistry with anyone other than Cas.  Also I’m just extremely partial to everything in that ep bc ya know.....canon bi Dean for me so I’m just a little bit in love with them and their ultra tragic backstory.

My non-romantic OTP for this character: Sam or Benny.  I already talked about him and Sam a little bit here, but I just love those two codependent bitches so much.  They will literally sacrifice anything for each other (Dean literally walked away from a normal life because of Sam) and I am soft for them.  BENNY.  My boy, that Southern bastard who I would gladly die for.  He and Dean have such fratbro energy, they are so funny together, so at ease with each other.  I LOVED S8 Purgatory, like LOVED it, and I still wish they had had the budget to like make Ty a permanent recurring character, because it was just so easy for he and Dean to be together.  They had a bond that I don’t think anyone else (Sam and Cas) understood, and I still wish I could watch a whole season of them in Purgatory, how their relationship went from grudging trust to “I would die for you in a heartbeat”

My unpopular opinion about this character: a LOT of this boy’s problems would be solved if he talked about his trauma.  He doesn’t really talk about anything he’s been through with anyone, not even Sam, and his drinking isn’t a funny coping mechanism, it’s dangerous and I wish he’d stop doing it.

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon: also should’ve punched John in the face lmao.  Also there are just a lot of softer moments that I know happened offscreen that I wish we could have seen.  Like I don’t ~care~ if it’s boring I want to see Dean make Sam chicken soup when he’s sick and teach Jack about mechanics and watch movies in his bedroom with Cas!  What are Dean’s favorite romcoms????  What was on the MIXTAPE??????  These are all things I would pay millions of dollars to see.

Link to OG post

Ask me character opinions!!

[spiderparkerpeterman]

headache

i typed this out after downing a coffee, forgetting i'm very sensitive to caffeine, forgot to save but then my laptop restarted for an update? so now i'm here four hours later bc i gave up on life, not so hopped up on caffeine but with a major headache and also it's 1am. enjoy!

content: stark!reader, fluff n cuddles, peter being a good boyfriend (tm)

warnings: lapslock, i've had to write this twice so i'm angry, post-endgame and yes this follows canon i'm sorry, feels, all the feels, angst and consequences of death, Tension

word count: probably less than my original draft (1528 words)

--

the jet ride back to the newly rebuilt avengers compound was quiet. the mission the reformed avengers had just been on was successful, an infiltration of a loose hydra camp, but there was a big hole in the team that had become apparent as soon as the mission had begun that left everyone in a tense silence.

missions were going to be very, very difficult now.  teamwork-wise and mentally. emotionally. it had been, what, a year or so since your dad had... well, anyway. it seemed like such a long time ago- it was a long time ago- but you had been itching to go back out and do avenger-y things for months. leave it up to the starks to distract themselves from grief and pain by working their asses off. you had been tinkering, toying with your dad's old ideas, doing some minor patrolling stuff for a year, and god was it not enough to keep you distracted.

but then you had actually taken on the mission and then everyone noticed that there were a few missing links that almost cost the team the victory. your dad had been a rock, a point of leadership, an active brain on the team. capsicle had been someone steady, brave, always willing to take on the hard jobs. and nat- nat- she'd take out a room full of men three times her size with ease and still have breath to keep going until every last man was down. sparklefingers was off in space with a rodent, a robot, and a lovesick asshole; that marvel lady had disappeared as soon as she could; the wizard was back at his boys' club; robin hood had officially retired, even leaving his bow behind for the rustic life; and orange slices had said something about "making up for lost time" with his daughter, leaving only you, captain birdman, edgy amnesiac, smart hulk and a handful of ironsuits you'd created over your little break, to regroup and do the mission.

and peter, of course. you could never forget about peter. especially not when he was sitting next to you, your hand in his, jaw clenched, staring at his lap.

the poor kid. you knew your dad was also kind of his dad, the only father figure he'd had since ben. the kid kept losing father figures- probably some kind of curse, you had reasoned with yourself, because this was getting out of hand. you had been by his side when he decided to return to spider-man-ing, a month or two after your dad had... yup. done that thing. he had been by your side when you went into your dad's lab in his lakehouse for the first time since the incident, some four months later. you had his back after the whole mysterio-then-court scenario. he had your back when you had your first major panic attack because you realised that you just couldn't cope. you had each other's backs, you had for three, well, technically eight years now. since just after peter had been taken on by your dad to beat some sense into the others in germany.

coming back from the blip was weird. the entire situation was weird. you had been blipped, dusted, gone, worried and confused about your father being on a giant donut in space with peter, and then you had come back five years later lying on your dusty, unused-for-five-years bed, then the compound was blown to smithereens, you were saved by your suit that you still had on after helping keep the wizard safe, discovered your dad had moved out to the country and had also had another kid- who you loved to bits, of course you did- and also your dad had invented time travel.

and then he was gone, forever.

so yeah. massive hole in the team, everyone was quiet, peter looked like he was going to throw up, you were trying not to cry.

you realised peter was looking at you, and you had been staring at him for a little too long. he squeezed your hand, his eyebrows raised slightly. he looked like a kicked puppy, and oh god, your heart hurt.

"sorry," you mumbled, looking away. sam raised his head but averted his eyes when you accidentally made eye contact. you felt a headache coming on- all this stress about the mission and hole-in-the-team stuff was not good for your physical, emotional or mental health. you rested your head on peter's shoulder, feeling his head rest on yours in return. you closed your eyes, tuning out the sound of the quinjet, just focusing on your breath and peter's soft circles that he was rubbing into your hand.

at some point, you drifted off because you awoke to peter gently nudging your shoulder, the quinjet landing. you blinked blearily at him.

"you okay?" he asked, cupping your cheek. you closed your eyes again and leant into his hand.

"headache," you mumbled, turning your face into his hand and kissing it a light kiss. "i'll be okay."

as soon as you stood up to get out of the quinjet though, a wave of nausea washed over you, forcing you to sit back down.

"or not."

peter rushed to pull you up gently, wrapping an arm around your shoulder as he held both of your bags in his other hand. he helped you out of the quinjet, into the compound and up to your room.

exhausted and sore, your head pounding like nothing else, you collapsed on your bed, absentmindedly taking off your wrist cuffs with your nanosuit in them, kicking off your shoes. peter puttered around, putting his bag down then your bag down then taking off his webshooters, shoes and jacket, pacing the room looking at you worriedly.

"do you need anything? like- like aspirin or water or juice or music? i head whale noises can help with a headache and-"

"peter," you mumbled.

"- but i haven't had a headache since i got my powers so i kind of don't know what to do and-"

"peter," you said, a little louder.

"-  i think i should get you some aspirin, yeah, and i'll close the curtains, and-"

"peter!" you called, regretting it as your head pounded particularly hard. peter stopped pacing, and looked at you. "stop pacing, you're giving me motion sickness. and please- just keep it down, i just need quiet okay? you can go get what you want, some aspirin would be nice, and a gatorade too. but please calm down. it's just a headache, i'm tense and stressed. it'll go away soon."

peter nodded and rushed out of the room. you lay on your back with a small groan, staring up at the plain white ceiling of your room. before the compound had been destroyed, you'd put glow-in-the-dark stars on the ceiling of your bedroom with your dad, and you could look up and stare at the fake constellation stories you had made, giggling with your dad. now the ceiling was empty, strange, unfamiliar. everything was- you had lost almost everything that night. your eyes burned with tears, which you wiped away, keeping your hand over your eyes, fighting the need to throw up.

a few minutes later, you heard your door swing open as peter reentered. you took your hand away from your face and looked at him, balancing two boxes of aspirin and four bottles of gatorade in different colours. he smiled at you gently as he put the stuff on your bedside table.

"let's get you sitting up, yeah?" he whispered, the look in his eyes oh so tender. he sat behind you, resting your back and head on his side so you didn't have to move too much and took out two small aspirin tablets. "i didn't know which colour gatorade you wanted so i got you all of them."

"i'll have the red one, thanks," you replied, taking the tablets and then the gatorade that peter opened, swallowing the pills with a large mouthful of the drink.

you sighed and moved so that you were lying in his lap and looked up at him. you giggled.

"what?" he asked, and you raised a hand to poke at his jaw.

"how do you not even have a double chin from this angle?" you pouted, "it's not fair."

"spiders," he replied, "they tend to do that to you."

you giggled again and sighed again, closing your eyes.

"i should go," peter whispered, raising your head so he could slip away from under you. "you want quiet, yeah?"

"i never said i didn't want you in here," you muttered. "i'm in pain, comfort me."

peter grinned and obliged, maneuvering you so you were lying under your blankets then slipping in next to you. he lay your head on his chest and wrapped an arm behind your neck so you were secure. you rolled onto your side, an ear to his heart. his heartbeat was so steady, as usual.

"i love you, and want you to know that you did great today," peter mumbled, stroking your hair.

"love you too. you also did really well. thanks for having my back."

"any time."

[prongsmydeer]

Ayesha Liveblogs Tiger King 

“I think it would be fair to say that Carole is the Mother Teresa of cats” now there’s a sentence I never thought I’d hear

“I’d never been a person who had friends” statements like this always perplex me because surely there had to be ONE other person in however long you quantify childhood that you identified with. Like not one whole ass person? You’re not the only person who loves cats Carole

The juxtaposition between Carole Baskin’s “Animal Print for Animal Rights” and Joe Exotic’s “Tiger King underwear is our bestseller” is poetic cinema

Okay this isn’t a reflection of my opinions on this man but I Saw a Tiger is a good country ballad there I said it 

“When I first met Joe, I was like a month out of high school” well that’s not good

[Joe Exotic voice] Some people have tigers to cope

Doc Antle has only been on screen for 30 seconds and already he has made himself memorable by directing the film crew

Is Bhagavan Antle Indian in some way or did he just have a really intense Eat Pray Love journey with his guru

Also is he really a doctor orrrrrrrrr

“I am out there in the forefront so known of being this guy that is in love with big cats and has them love him back” please don’t tell me this guy does anything weird to his animals

“People only care about saving what affects them” 

“You can’t put a price on holding a baby tiger” but you did and apparently it’s $625 

The fact that multiple tigers have had albinism is probably a sign of major inbreeding practices at these zoos

You know, even if I ate meat*, there is no way I would be able to handle any kind of early prep stage of it bc seeing these cow carcasses is A Lot

*If u r reading this I don’t care if u eat meat leave me alone

“Animals just wasn’t enough, okay? So then I started adding magic” well that took an unexpected turn

I don’t know if it’s for real fair to criticize every person who has brought a big cat out in a public venue/talk show because I know at least like Dave Sal/moni is always going “THESE ANIMALS MAKE TERRIBLE PETS” 

As a sidenote from what I understand this Saff person keeps being deadnamed/misgendered throughout this documentary and I do not appreciate it 

“I grew up a professional cowboy in a family of professional cowboys” every sentence on this show is a journey

WHO is letting their ONE-YEAR-OLD lay on top of a tiger cub I know you’re at a zoo but BRUH

“It’s going to be a small Waco” to say this ON THE NEWS

This 2 minute stretch of episode is all the PSA anyone ever needs to never own a gun

Well I think we can all agree that PETA is a fucking mess

God this is like battle of the people who are terrible at doing anything good for animals

“What do you carry that gun for?” “People” AHHHHHHHHHHH?!?!!!!?!?

“I sleep with an AK-47 under my mattress, loaded, ready to roll” WILL SOMEONE HELP THE U.S. OF A

I was warned about this show and yet I was still not prepared for the level of UNHINGED it would be 

How in the FUCK does a place like this not have an on-site medic

“Why don’t you come back on another day” he said, after telling the public an employee had his arm taken off 

“I am never gonna financially recover from this” SURE JOE THIS IS ABOUT YOU

To go back to work a WEEK after getting your arm amputated... BRUH

“Any law that you think’s unfair or unjustice, it is your obligation, it is your responsibility to stand up against that bullshit law” well Thomas Jefferson was a slaveowner so clearly the injustice thing was relative for him

Traditionally don’t drug addictions fuel people choosing extreme paths with their life rather than the other way around? 

JKHGKJHGKJH this whole exchange:

Interviewer: What kind of doctor is he?

Maria: Mystical science.

Interviewer: Mystical science?

Maria, nodding: Yeah.

“How many wives does Doc Antle have?” I didn’t expect this but somehow it tracks

I’m gonna bet none of these people with subcontinental names have a single bit of South Asian heritage like okay “Moksha” and “Rajnee” did Bhagavan name you

On a more serious note: It’s really fucked up that these men keep meeting literal teenagers, making them their employees, and then also get into relationships with them. I cannot emphasize this strongly enough THIS IS NOT GOOD OR HEALTHY

It’s pretty weird that Doc Antle keeps emphasizing so frequently that one of his partners is Italian 

“I’m gonna go be a yoga animal trainer” ah, white people bullshit

“Goodbye. Don’t fall in love with your boss.” Good advice, Dad

I was not expecting all this subcontinental imagery to get under my skin this badly but what’s your problem dude can’t u be normal for like a second 

“You’re this garbage person, but if you listen to me, I’ll make you great” again this tracks but gross

Again, on a more serious note: if a partner ever talks to you this way please call a domestic abuse hotline 

Not that India is at all in a good place right now but I personally ban Doc Antle from ever entering India. Banned. Forever. I will not be accepting constructive criticism at this time

“I didn’t really know any better” is a really good way of summarizing what all of these younger partners have been through

Wow Carole is really explaining this abuse issue succinctly 

Antle’s indignation at being implied to be a cult leader despite the fact he is most definitely a cult leader

Joe’s story in his documentary is constantly “is this going to be a humanizing moment PSYCH it’s still terrible”

HOW IS THIS LEGAL PAY YOUR WORKERS A LIVING WAGE

Why is this husband-killing thing JUST A FOOTNOTE AT THE END OF THIS EPISODE OH MY GOD

We have deviated so far from the tiger thing oh my god

Why is the only man in this documentary who is faithful to his spouse the man that smuggled drugs inside of snakes

Every time I learn a new thing about a person in this documentary I have to reorient myself

This whole episode has been about this murder and I’m concerned that its title, “The Secret,” hasn’t even been revealed yet

GOD I take back what I said about I Saw Tiger, the concept of this song/music video for Here Kitty Kitty is so disturbing that this man deserves no credit whatsoever as a musician 

CAROLE WHY ARE YOU GIGGLING ABOUT THE MEAT GRINDER IT’S NOT FUNNY

Well I don’t have much to say about this episode other than yikes

I guess if you’re really out to spite someone stealing their brand and posting exactly the opposite of everything they stand for is an effective if weird and petty way to do it

Do you think the whole throne footage moment was a “Frankenstein realizing what he has wrought” kind of thing for Kirkham

This is really like watching a sports game of two teams you can’t stand except the sport is murder and other miscellaneous crime

If we’re all being real with ourselves the documentary filmmakers themselves MUST have had some issues going on to be able to walk into this situation and not do anything about it

This series really seems to present a compelling case for why every major figure in this documentary has potentially committed at least one terrible crime

Ah there’s the judgment from the woman in Florida I guess it’s two crimes with one stone

God these poor animals they do not deserve anything happening to them

While obviously people are enticed by the prospect of someone they’re into having an animal JUST GET AN ALREADY DOMESTICATED ANIMAL LIKE DOMESTICATED CATS AND DOGS EXIST OH MY GOD DO NOT USE EXOTIC PETS AS DATE BAIT

 It has been so long since we heard about Travis ngl I already forgot about him 

Why is every single person in this show SO OFF THE WALLS I mean I know why but also WHY

This documentary is also a treatise in the flaws of the U.S. prison system and how it sets up people up to fail or re-offend upon release

Take a shot every time a middle-aged man in this show mentions that he casually bought himself a big cat as a teen

“Joe was the entertainment director.... by title” I don’t think this was meant to be a burn but what a burn

I am almost certain I WATCHED that Last Week Tonight episode during that election and if u told me that 4-5 years later I would be rewatching that clip in a documentary about this man’s journey to being convicted for murder then I cannot say I wouldn’t be surprised but I would probably believe it 

Also I have to wonder what John Oliver thinks about being part of this 

[“Beyonce?” voice] Shaun Majumder?

Sidenote: Until this exact moment I thought of Shaun Majumder as Ben Mulroney even though Brian Mulroney is white as hell I guess I have faceblindness but only for Canadian talkshow personalities

I have been aware of this before now but the fact you can buy a GUN at a Walmart what in the FUCK is U.S.A. doing

Man does this campaign manager really want to take ownership of anything Joe Exotic has ever done

Ngl I was wondering why someone who had at one point clearly had a lot of money seemed to have such poor dental care access but meth certainly does explain it

I mean people can be attracted to both men and women (hello) but since Joe was fuelling their drug addictions since they were teenagers attraction is at best a null factor and at worst an added layer of terrible to this whole mess

It’s hard to even respond to this in a meaningful way because this is so fucked up. Don’t own guns.

“That was a big fucking mistake,” he said, right after someone explained that he was driving large groups of people in an enclosed space in a busy city with wild animals that could maim or kill them

Padlock penls piercing really does not seem like a first date bombshell

“We went to dinner and he never went home” well if that doesn’t set you with a sense of foreboding

TWO MONTHS AFTER WHAT IN THE HELL OH MY GOD also I hope Dillon is okay

“It wasn’t about the animals anymore” you THINK

“It was sort of funny when they started but it’s gotten really dark” how meta

Of all the reasons Joe could’ve abandoned his zoo, I really didn’t think embezzlement would be what pushed him

“He won’t tell anyone where he’s at, not even me,” said Dial, with no acknowledgement of the fact that Joe is also theoretically still married and would maybe tell his husband???

Oh Dillon spotted??? Yikes get out dude

Take a shot every time a white person who really doesn’t understand where the word “karma” comes from starts talking about karma as if it is the Law of Revenge

The fact this man brings a film crew out with him while he’s on the run evading a federal investigation..... incomprehensible

“Joe just wanted to put it in somebody’s name and continue to be the tiger queen, I mean king,” really REALLY of all the reasons to object to Joe you’re going to choose homophobia wow

Is this about an attempt to have someone murdered or does something happen to Baskin it is very unclear

This documentary has an interesting format of switching focus from crime to crime to crime 

“I’ve never been as proud of being married to anyone as I am being married to you” It’s weird to compliment your husband by comparing him to all your other husbands

How is the lesson for Jeff Lowe in this “let’s build another zoo” surely at that point it’s better to just cut your losses

[Garretson voice]: You should pay me for being a bro, dude

“I’m a libertarian, so technically, fuck the Feds,” I’ve never heard an intonation that better suits a conservative millennial 

I mean I don’t think it was advisable but honestly why are people surprised Joe took the stand isn’t delusions of grandeur kind of his thing

Sometimes it’s just that they’ve added in other moments to break up the awful immoral crimes with just run of the mill douchebaggery like the nanny/gym thing huh

I guess the silver lining in this is that potentially these big cat zoos will shut down but like where do these animals who have been raised in captivity go??? I don’t trust anyone in this documentary to not exploit them in some way ugh 

“Not a single animal benefited from this war,” correct, Saff

“I was wrapped up in having a zoo,” not really an excuse but ok

[wiltedthrone-a]

𝐖𝐇𝐎𝐄𝐕𝐄𝐑 𝐒𝐀𝐈𝐃 𝐃𝐑𝐔𝐆𝐒 𝐖𝐄𝐑𝐄 𝐁𝐀𝐃 was clearly spouting some propaganda bullshit. Oh, apparently I swear now? Oops. Well, don't expect me to make it a habit like the m*rijuana usage. Not that I'm making that a habit either, because I'm not! The last thing I would want is to be some hardcore stoner like Duncan Doug some people I know. But it was nice to take the edge off.

I really hope that's not what it takes for me and the boys to relax. Like I said, I would like it not to be a habit, but I also, you know, was kind of interested. I know that people expect me to turn my nose up at that kind of thing, to go running to the first adult to tattle, so I didn't. And for the record, I didn't do this for them, or to prove them wrong I did it FOR ME because I'm the only one that matters.

Anyway, Chad was the hook up, obviously and he got it from Doogie Donald Ducky Doug who is apparently a total stoner with a mom issue that we're not allowed to talk about. Who would have thought? I really hope that he finds proper help and doesn't use that as a coping mechanism forever. You know what they say, Mary Jane is just the prettier sister to Crystal Meth.

Anyway, I had never been high before so I didn't know what to expect. Would I see colors? Would I end up naked and dancing around a fire? None of that happened, but what did happen was that for once my whole body went quiet. All the thoughts racing around in my head, all my fears and anxieties kind of took a backseat and I could just...breathe. I felt a tingling warmth in my body, like the way I would feel as a kid when Mamma would wrap me up in a warm towel after my bath. Quick enough so I wouldn't feel the cold. I liked when she did it rather than the servants staff because I couldn't go to sleep without having bonding time with her. Even now, I have to chat with her before bed about our days before I can even lay down.

Anyway, of course Chad and Ben's antics wouldn't stop because they were a little under the influence, but Chad was right, it definitely mellowed us all out. It was nice! I got to play with their hair while they laid on my lap, they let me paint their nails (Ben was royal blue while Chad was powder blue), we did face masks, I taught them how to braid hair too. Ben did half of Chad's hair and I did the other and while my braids were a lot neater Ben definitely put in the effort and Chad was a good sport about it. Then we all fell into this sort of cuddle puddle and just watched movies until we fell asleep.

I just really miss hanging out with my boys. We really needed this vacation away from everyone else. Just time to be free, to be kids, to be ourselves. I like when we can take our walls down and just exist without the weight of the world around us. I like who we are when we're around each other. Like we're in some kind of secret club and no one can touch us.

With them, I feel invincible.

(@hecrowned @charmingjr just bc i felt like it hehe)

[kachinnate]

DEH on tour! 9/17/19

HI so i said i was gonna make a post describing my experience watching DEH last night so B^) if that’s a thing u sorta care abt i dropped it under the cut 

would like to start off that i had no idea that they were introducing a new touring evan and?? he’s fucking FANTASTIC ???? aH ,, but at first glance at the cast list, the only names i recognized were maggie and marrick’s.. and even then i only knew their names, i had no idea what they sounded like or even looked like tbh. if ur curious; 

evan: stephen christopher anthony jared: jared goldsmith larry: john hemphill alana: phoebe koyabe zoe: maggie mckenna cynthia: christiane noll heidi: jane pfitsch connor: marrick smith 

honestly........ i wasn’t displeased w/ a single one of these actors, holy FUCK they were so good?? i love obc w/ my entire heart, and i never thought i’d ever say this, but this cast is a CLOSE fuckin second dude. aahH. and not even because they sounded like the obc, like they all sounded completely different and brought a pretty different take to their characters and it was so..... good??? 

one specific thing that i noticed that happened in this performance compared to all the ones i’d seen before (broadway, two or three boots, two audios for arena stage) throughout was that there was a lot more.... crying? and like, just hearing that you’re probably like,, ‘oh, that’s annoying they probably made it a lot more extra :///’ but!! really i just think there was a different sort of depth that these actors took on in certain moments that made them like.... justifiable for crying when you’ve seen these scenes before and the mood was different and there weren’t tears... 

like, example: the beginning of the computer lab scene, when evan is writing his letter to himself, every evan that i’ve seen before this one read the letter out as he typed it in an almost defeated manner. like, he’s sad, obviously, how can u not be sad writing ‘maybe no one would notice if i disappeared’, but it sounds like he had long resigned to the fact that this was how things were. although it wasn’t super over the top or anything, stephen’s evan .. cried a little, like fully had some tears running down his face and was choked up as he got to the end of the letter, and i was like “!?!?!” cause it immediately gave off the sense that.. fuck, shit, evan really, really wanted his mom to be right, he genuinely had hope that today was going to be good, but.. it really wasn’t, and that kinda fuckin hurts?? like i think especially w/ us fans who know the show so well, we forget how legitimately dismal this letter is that he’s writing dsjkaefg like the murphy’s thought it was a suicide note bc it sounded like that and this might’ve been the first time i like.. didn’t question the confusion they had over it for a second, like of course you thought it was a suicide note , w/ the way evan wrote it it might as well have been 

another specifically notable moment was that alana cried throughout that scene following good for you?? like holy shit was i not prepared for that?? but she played it in a way that made so much sense, like she was so hurt that evan hadn’t cared about the project and maybe the stress of it’s weighed on her a lot because she’s just trying to do this good thing but like always everyone’s just left her to it and maybe she thought it’d be different w/ evan..... like there was a lot of pent up frustration and hurt in every word she said when i’m so used to hearing that scene delivered in a monotone, deadset, cold hurt sort of way. “i’ve moved on. obviously you don’t care.”, not “you know what?! i DON’T have time for this, I have to raise SEVENTEEN THOUSAND DOLLARS!” while choking up on tears like holy fuck alana did u really have to come for all of us like that 

(honestly in general phoebe played the best alana i’ve ever seen, hands down, period point blank, i fucking loved what she did w/ her character.... i’m not sure if she’s been alana for a while or if she’s new too, but oh my god????)

other notable cry things:

- connor was VERY audibly on the verge of tears on his “what are you laughing at?” line - when heidi and alana were singing at evan in good for you, jared was standing off to the side and was glaring daggers @ evan but was also.. crying a little and that fucking hurt  - ev was still croaky and teary from so big/so small into the scene before the finale, and zoe’s voice started catching a little halfway into their conversation and she had to stop a couple times to compose herself  - and then of course tears in the spots that usually have tears like words fail and so big so small and w/e but like. it hurt more i can’t describe it these actors personally Hurt My Feelings

all in all a lot more tears from both the characters and myself 

and just from all of THAT it goes without saying that there was a different, like... sort of depth that these characters brought to the table. stephen’s evan screamed desperate for a friend. i empathized with him immensely because literally every time he talked about fake!connor he sang so longingly and it was obvious that he needed needed needed this lie for himself too, like he wasn’t just telling it to the murphy’s to comfort them, he wanted so badly for this to be the truth for himself. the pull of the murphy’s caring about him and zoe was obviously there, but i truly didn’t think that was even a factor of this whole thing until into act 2. and even then... while it’s obvious that he’s in the wrong and his intentions get a bit more clouded, to me it feels like the general feel was “this has all gotten to out of hand, i can’t back out now, so i might as well just go along with all of this” instead of “oh hey this started as me trying to help the murphy’s but now my life is better? cool” 

his Evan Hansen Nervous Tick (tm) was wiping compulsively at his eyes (which, given how often they all cried is very valid but also kinda funny dsjgn) and his presence in general was very........... good. like, if you mix ben platt and taylor trensch’s energies, i think you’d get stephen’s evan’s stage presence, and really that’s the only way i can describe it djslgnsdg.. like he wasn’t Stoic and Awkward like ben was but he wasn’t as bouncy and quirky as taylor was, he was placed almost in the middle of those two and it... worked, i liked it a lot. it looked like he sort of hated being in his skin and sort of wanted to run away but he Won’t because he knows he needs to Try if he wants to be seen and that’s *chef’s kiss* a good energy that i can appreciate 

 jared goldsmith played his jared similarly to the way that will roland played his jared, but instead of being Blant about his love for evan he gave off a little bit more of a “haah yeh bro >B^)” energy... but still obviously gay because he’s jared, i don’t think u are legally allowed to play ur jared as a straight boy (source: will roland himself, and also the author of the deh book). something i REALLY loved specifically about his singing was that whenever they sing in a harmony, jared gets the top note, and ..... omg there was something about his voice that made the chord sound so fucking PRETTY like there’s no reason for me to be star eyed @ that ending note in sincerely, me, but here i am!!! also, jared was. tiny. SO small. how can so much chaos fit into such a small lad. 

 also i can’t remember when but there was a point where he said a line that was funny and he laughed at himself, and then the audience laughed, and then he continued to giggle and waited a few extra seconds to say his next line and it was the cutest thing i’ve ever seen 

extremely bitter at “look at you, helping the murphy’s”, he cried during good for you, and at the finale he is BEAMING at evan, like he is smiling SO BIG AT HIM, LIKE JARED GOLDSMITH PERSONALLY DECIDED “you know what, in my heart evan and jared did reconcile before the events of this moment and i’m going to make sure the audience knows because i’m going to look at him with an immeasurable amount of love in my eyes” and that was so fucking brave of him

maggie mckenna... maggie mckenna!! she was a wonderful zoe, i think she’s like my favorite zoe high key because oh my GOD? requiem fucking destroyed me... and like, i’m the odd one out because although that song is gorgeous, minus the first time i ever listened to it i never really was deeply deeply moved by it, like i understand the meaning of it and i know why it’s an extremely important song and i appreciate the amount of emotion that is portrayed within it, but to me it’s not really the Highlight of the show....... maggie’s voice was so beautiful, like soft and pretty during the beginning and powerful as FUCK on the bridge and!!!!! i wept for the first time during that song ever and i’m still shook abt it 

in general, maggie’s zoe was really balanced and well played and, like... real?? like, she was adorably hanging onto every word evan said as he stammered through their first interaction, albeit a little confused, when he’s over for dinner to talk about connor she’s indifferent and sort of aloof but it’s obvious that it’s from a place of like.. misplaced Hurt, even without knowing the plot already like it’s sort of obvious.... like maggie made it clear to the audience that zoe wasn’t supposed to be coldhearted or bitchy, she was a kid who’s been hurt by her brother and has every reason to not forgive him for it just because he’s gone and is now rightfully confused because now she has to try and cope with the fact that he might’ve been a good person even though every thing he’s ever done prior went against it, and.... ughsGDJ she was just!!! so good!!!!!! also, her chemistry that she had with evan was really real too and like.. i could believe that she actually fell for him, i could believe that she genuinely did like him for more reasons than a plot device, which is really refreshing bc i can’t rlly say that i saw that same level of like.. genuine chemistry between the evan and zoe i saw when we saw deh on broadway (it was still good, don’t get me wrong, but there was just something missing that i really only noticed by watching this performance). she’s kind of quirky and weird at some points too, which again is another thing that made her feel more real to me??? when evan was like “thank you” and touched her arms after she told him that she wasn’t breaking up with him, she fully reached out to touch his arms and fully bent her entire body in half, like her face was facing the ground and i audibly choked,, also she super gently like smacked his face at one point during only us and i heard it in his mic and he inhaled a lil sharply bc he was trying not to giggle and i. cri 

ngl, i’ve really only seen alana being played in one way up until now.... like, obviously every actor is going to play their character differently, and even from performance to performance there might be some change, but at least for the MOST part every alana i’ve seen has been straightforward: i’m chatty, i’m bright, i’m kind of lonely but i mean well and i REALLY care about this thing that we’re doing. there isn’t a lot of room for her to emote until, like... the whole good for you fiasco happens, the scene before it and after it, when she’s upset with evan for not helping, but even then there’s usually a trend with how she’s played. phoebe played her with SO much emotion and made her SO much more than what i expected to see??? like she cared... so much, but it was obvious that she was maybe not going about it in the right way. she seemed more like an awkward kid just like the rest of them, it was a bit more obvious that she didn’t think of herself as perfect, and it seemed a lot more clear that her intentions for helping out with the connor project were never about herself or making herself look good - it was because it genuinely meant something to her. yes, she was still a lot at times, but when evan accuses her of only being in it to help herself, it’s so like... evidently not true. like u don’t even have to see alana’s expression at all or hear how she responds, ur just immediately like “oh, so evan’s gonna be a dick now” because it’s just so obvious that it’s not like that at all, y’know?? alana had... big feelings, and she was more than the smart girl that drove the plot forward at points and gets screwed over by evan. also, her voice was extremely pretty as well *heart eyes emoji* 

both of the moms brought something similar to this show: it was obvious that while they started their characterization with what obc brought, they made it their own. they brought new mannerisms and choices up and they were both so??? fucking cute????? like they had extreme mom energy, at points it felt so real, like something about the whole scene with them talking together in the murphy house b4 good for you felt..... so so so real and it was disorienting. they both made me cry so like they definitely did their job 

ALSO the fucking way that heidi was looking at evan in the finale like. was one of the things that made me weep the hardest, like holy shit. she loves her son so much!!!!!! and i am CRYING !!!!!!!!! but anyway

*CLAPPING HANDS EMOJI* LARRY. FUCKING. MURPHY. oh my GOD he was an amazing larry !!!!!! like i know the fandom likes to demonize larry murphy but watching this man, i couldn’t think for a single second that this man was a bad father. he was trying so hard and just went about it in the wrong ways, and ... ghh... to break in a glove isn’t supposed to make you tear up but guess what (also this might be a personal problem but seeing him interact w/ evan gave me surges of feelings that reminded me that i have daddy issues ajdnGS like he was so. sweet. all the time, i want to throw a baseball around with this man and have him explain football to me even though i know i won’t understand it). his singing was rlly good too... like hearing it, i was like “ah. i can hear it in ur voice that when u were younger u were a bright tenor lad, but a bright tenor lad in the way that was good and not terribly nasally”  

marrick was really good, but i’m like 85% sure that he was sick :’( his voice caught and he had to clear his throat a few times during sincerely, me, and he had a break on a certain note and couldn’t go higher than that, which.... is rough because although connor isn’t super tenor-y all the time he definitely ... doesn’t sing just low (but when he did sing low? *chefs kiss*) but other than that? v good acting, like evan this connor just... rlly wanted a friend. he almost cried when evan started laughing at him, and he sounded extremely devastated when he read the note... as evan’s OC, he played it very Defeated(tm) instead of confrontational, which obvs Hurt bc evan was fully like “no!!!! i fell!!” while connor was just “ did u. or did u let go.” u don’t gotta be confrontational when u are the inner demons of a boy and aren’t actually a person yaknow >B’’’’^) nevertheless i am crying xoxo!!!!!!!

all in all?? fucking incredible, i can’t believe i had the opportunity to see this cast and i’m going to hold them in a v special place in my heart :’) 

[sunsetsover]

Hey! Im very excited about Bens new storyline. I know a little bit about the deaf community but not nearly enough and I would love to learn more through this storyline. Im just worried that in my excitement I might say something stupid or disrespectful due to my lack of knowlegde. Ive seen you post about that so I was wondering if you could tell me what to look out for and especially some tips on how to learn and understand more. Thank you in advance!❤ I really hope they do the storyline justice

hey!! first of all let me say that i realize that maybe i was a bit TOO defensive the other day so i don’t want you (or anybody else) to think that if anybody fucks up and says something a little off i’m going to completely bite their heads off lmao (although that said i do still stand by everything i’ve said)

also i’ve gotta be honest idk much abt the deaf/hoh community either! i’ve got to learn too!! so if you’re looking for information in that sense i’m unfortunately not the person to come too :-(

however i DO know what it’s like to be disabled and specifically what it’s like to have a disability that affects amd changes your whole life and limits what you can do both now and in the future. i won’t go into details but my disability affects my left leg, which ofc affects my mobility. thankfully i can still walk, but there is no cure or treatment for what i have. there was also nothing that triggered it - no accident or person to blame, it just Happened - and so it was a case of my life seeming normal and then one day it hits you that your life is completely different from everyone else’s and that it’s never gonna be the same, which i imagine may be similar to what ben is going to be going through (whether it’s temporary or not, if he doesn’t KNOW it’s temporary something like that is completely life shattering).

anyways now i’ve realized you Did Not Ask let me get actually answer your questions

literally the most important thing u can do is just listen to disabled people and don’t talk over them!!! this is the case with literally any kind of thing you don’t know abt/experience urself, u know? the way you would listen to and learn from a poc talking abt their unique experiences as a poc, or a muslim talking abt their unique experiences as a muslim etc etc, listen to and learn from disabled (specifically deaf/hoh people, in terms of ben’s sl at least) when they speak!! if they tell u something u said is wrong or a little off, don’t get defensive. just do ur best to listen and learn!!

don’t feel too bad if u do fuck up lmao we all fuck up we’re all learning we’re all trying to be better you can’t possibly know everything, u know?

specifically in terms of ben’s sl, just don’t reduce it down to ‘omg think of the ballum content’. like it’s ok to enjoy the sweet moments this sl might give us obviously lmao but don’t forget that it’s bigger than that, both to ben as a character and in terms of deaf representation !! like !!! a disabled lgbt character!!! that’s a big deal!!!

basically just don’t reduce ben’s suffering to angst porn, u know? bc what u gotta remember is that yeah ok ben isn’t real but he IS a representation of what people have been through and are going through. i’m not deaf or hoh so i won’t be able to relate to that part of it either, but i do know what it’s like to have your life drastically altered bc of a disability and how hard it is to cope with that and accept the way that your life has changed like it’s hard and u get angry and upset and push people away and go into denial and breakdown and think you’re dealing with it only to breakdown again and if ee DO do a good job of it (which judging from last night’s ep i’m hopeful abt!) then they’ll show at least some of that, so just try not to reduce that very real pain and struggle that people experience to ‘omg but callum’s gonna look after him tho’ you know what i mean??

this might be one that’s just a personal opinion tbh but like... just try not to enjoy ben’s suffering too much??? like i know some ppl really revel in angst n i get that but at the end of the day this is a bit TOO real to be like ‘omg i love it when breaks down’ ygm?? like ofc i’m not saying don’t enjoy the storyline for what it is but i know as someone who has been thru very similar suffering i KNOW it’s gonna rub me up the wrong way if i see people ENJOYING seeing ben upset or suffering. idk i feel like im not articulating this very well but i think it goes back into the whole angst porn thing like it’s one thing to like and enjoy the storyline and another to enjoy seeing ben suffering, does that make sense??? like just don’t let what ben will be going thru become angst porn basically

remember that all disabled ppl are different and things that upset/offend me might not upset/offend other ppl and vice versa

also i’m not deaf or hoh so they might have a different opinion on stuff and if so you should always listen to what they say over what i say bc obviously they’ll always know better

try not to worry too much, i’d say that as long as you’re not viewing this sl solely through the lens of ballum or being outright offensive or derogatory towards the sl or ben’s disability bc it’s not what you want or it might affect ben/callum’s relationship then u should be alright?? but the fact that you even took the time to send me this message and ask what to look out for tells me that you’re clearly a conscientious person who’s heart is in the right place which is the most important part so!!! i wouldn’t be too worried if i was u!!

plus my ask is always open if u have any questions!! obviously i can’t answer anything in terms of deafness specifically, but if u have any questions abt disability in a broader sense i’d be happy to answer them for you 💖💖💖