#he’ll make the economy better

[miss-eli-starfleet]

Here’s what I feel about tonight:

It’s been years since I’ve been proud to be an American citizen. Hope feels good. Congratulations to the 47th President of the United States of America.

[becausegoodheroesdeservekidneys]

Clownfall: the Election Cometh

It's a long one, lads. Buckle up, get comfy, but the circus is in town for its final run. Ambient music as you read can be found here or here, take your pick. Get popcorn. Get snacks and water and a blanket.

Are you sitting comfortably?

Wednesday 22nd May

7.12am

Household favourite and queen of our hearts Pippa Crerar of the Guardian (her who did the investigative journalism that revealed PartyGate to the world) reports that UK inflation fell to a mere, paltry 2.3% in April.  The lowest level in three years!  Huzzah! But … still smaller than the decline that was expected. 

Nonetheless, Rishi Sunak and Jeremy Cunt whoops I'm so sorry I meant Cunt haha whoops said it again make a big fuss about how brilliant this news is, and how it shows that they are Good At Maffs after all that trouble with Liz Truss and Kwasi Kwarteng, who defined themselves as being Good At Maffs and then obliterated the economy in a single day.  Remember that! Good times. But hey, look, THIS PM/Grand Vizier combo are great at this! Inflation has fallen! Stop looking at the predicted rate! A fall is still a fall!

Crerar wonders whether people will actually feel better off, though – prices and mortgage rates are still high, after all. Food for thought.

10.04am

Jeremy Hunt is asked on the Today programme whether Sunak will call a general election.

Now, the logic here is that the government is likely to do better in an election if the economy’s improving; which, SunakCunt are now shrieking from the rooftops. So, is now the time? It's a win, and they've had so few of those, but historically people really do like to fall for the right wing = better economy myth... 

BUT – the Tories are doing so very badly in the polls.  Journalists favour the idea of an autumn election.  Tories do better when the weather’s bad, because fewer people go out and vote.

 “Well that’s a matter for the prime minister, it’s not a matter for me,” says Cunt. 

... Well.  Not ruling it out, then? Diddorol.

10.30am

It's Wednesday, aka the date that Tory cabinet ministers have their weekly meeting. They are duly sent the agenda.

There is no mention at all of an election announcement, nor any plan for an election.

Fair enough! 'Twas an idle thought. Plus, it would actually be bad timing from a logistical perspective - David Cameron, Foreign Secretary and Bae of Pigs, is currently flying out to Albania for an important international meeting, and Jeremy Cunt is on TV all day today - ITV next.

12.18pm

Sunak is asked at Prime Minister’s Questions whether he’ll call a general election.  He doesn’t rule it out.

12.56pm

Fun tweet alert!

2.31pm

Pippa Crerar asked Sunak’s press secretary whether he was calling an election.  She refused to comment.

Surely it’s a terrible time to call an election! Everyone hates them!  But suddenly …

A Cabinet meeting is scheduled for 4.15pm.  David Hameron suddenly u-turns in Albania and comes straight back home, his meeting un-met.  Jeremy Cunt cancels his ITV appearance.  The afternoon meeting is cancelled. Number 10 stops responding to journalists.  Manifesto work has stepped up.  Sunak’s chief-of-staff is spotted wearing a suit and tie WHICH IS UNUSUAL.  Senior ministers have spent the last few days doubling down on dividing lines.  And Tory bosses had a meeting this week to discuss how much money they could spend before a summer election.

The UK press sense blood in the water.

3pm

Okay.

There’s something you need to understand:

People suspect Rishi Sunak doesn’t actually want to live in the UK.  He’d prefer to be in California.  He’s here because he’s an MP.

You need to know this to understand this truly historic incident.

Nadine Dorries has produced a good tweet.

...

...

...

No, we all need to sit with this one for a minute

(For the record... to us, that is an excellent joke. But I strongly suspect she wasn't joking and was trying to make a catty accusation instead, which coincidentally appeared like a roast.

Scientists are referring to this as Stopped Clock Syndrome.)

5.17pm

With great dignity, Rishi Sunak stands outside Number 10 and announces a general election on 4 July.

And by “great dignity”, I mean he’s soaked by rain, while “Things Can Only Get Better” plays in the background courtesy of an anti-Tory protestor with a big speaker and a dream; the song adopted by he Labour Party for the 1997 election, where Tony Blair famously won a landslide victory after 18 years of Tory rule. Eventually, the volume of it is raised so high Sunak is, on more than one level, drowned out.

5.37pm

According to Gabriel Pogrund of the Times, Labour can’t believe Number 10 allowed this to happen.

One Labour insider texts: “Umbrellas are woke”

6.06pm

Good tweet alert!

8pm

A later Guardian article reports that Sunak greeted around a hundred Tory activists – still wearing the same rain-soaked trousers from the announcement.

No word at all on why he doesn't have aides capable of fetching him dry trousers. Perhaps those, too, are woke.

8.14pm

A Sky News reporter is at Sunak’s campaign launch.  But, bafflingly, he’s forcibly removed.  Extraordinary scenes

Elanor's Pro Tip: Removing a journalist may not be the best PR move for the start of an election trail.

8.27pm

9.36pm

A GBNews reporter claims that some Tory MPs are trying desperately to replace Sunak as leader in order to call off the general election.  For this to work, they’d need a vote of no confidence before the dissolution of parliament on Thursday 30 May.  Except actually, that would have to happen before the proroguing of parliament on Friday 24 May.

So … this won’t work.  But how very incredible - and hilarious - that they’re trying.

10.39pm

Let's take a look at the evening headlines!

A great start to Sunak’s campaign, with newspapers - including the Tory giant The Telegraph - celebrating the triumphant launch of his campaign:

Well! WHAT a day! Let's see how Thursday goes.

Thursday 23 May

8.00am

The BBC takes a moment to gleefully throw off the shackles of political oppression of the last 12 years to reveal that Rishi Sunak's announcement of a July election, the single most important announcement for a sitting government, the most sensitive and vitally-timed event in their calendar...

Was a total surprise to the rest of the party.

Tory party MPs found out when we did that they were about to have to campaign again. For a snap GE. Three weeks after having just done it for the council elections, in which they experienced the greatest single loss of their councillors in history. Even the damn meeting agenda was fake.

Still. Perhaps this explains the lack of umbrella or trousers.

9.09am

Nigel Farage confirms he will NOT stand at the general election. 

*pause for applause*

That’s because he’s helping Trump get re-elected in the US right now.

*pause for screams*

This is good news for the Tories!  And the rest of Britain, actually (commiserations to America. Please shoot him). Farage’s right-wing populist party - Reform UK - is the spiritual successor to UKIP and the Brexit Party, who’ve been splitting the right-wing vote for years.  Farage is popular; it’s bad news for Reform if he’s not part of their campaign, but simply fantastic news for those of us who think queer folks, women and people of colour deserve human rights.

9.19am

According to BBC News and others, Sunak has hired Isaac Levido, the election strategist behind the Tories’ landslide win in 2019.  Levido knows his stuff, and advised Sunak to stick with an autumn election.

Sunak ignored this advice.  Lol.

9.20am

In the Guardian, Sunak says there WON’T be planes of immigrants flying to Rwanda before the general election.  Good news for those of us who think it’s monstrous to deport immigrants to countries with unsafe governments.  Bad news for Tory voters who were hoping to get racists to vote for them.

Now, this is particularly funny, because promising to deport refugees to Rwanda in spite of overwhelming legal opposition on human rights grounds is probably the single hill that the Tories have chosen to commit genocide on. This bill has been in and out of every court in the land since they promised it in 2019. It's been on again off again more than a tawdry tabloid romance. But, they finally managed to push it through, and the first planes were set to fly in July.

This means! That Sunak's strongest cards going into the election were the drop in inflation, and the Rwanda bill. He could sell it as "In spite of those bleeding heart liberals, we persevered and managed to tenaciously get rid of these browns and thus fulfilled our promise", and the fact that it won't actually affect the immigration numbers wouldn't be clear until after the election. And make no mistake, it is VITAL that those planes fly before any election - quoth one influential Conservative MP on the right of the party to the BBC:

“I know what question you’re going to ask us again and again. "You’ll say we’ve been banging on about Rwanda for years and we’ve only managed to fly one migrant out there - and we paid him to go”.

It took a single day for that gamble to dramatically fail.

Lol. Lmao, even. One might almost say rofl.

9.21am

Sunak is emphasising his own role in managing the economy.

The Guardian’s Rowena Mason points out that it might be better to sell this as a Tory victory rather than a Sunak victory, considering how badly Sunak’s doing as an individual in the polls.

10.45am

I'm obviously giving a lot of attention here to the funniest and most ridiculous stuff, but let’s take a moment to celebrate some genuinely brilliant journalism:

0_o

The whole article’s worth reading. It confirms that at least one more hi-vis wearer was a Tory councillor in disguise (in this case Ben Hall-Evans). Perhaps this is why they started by removing all the real journalists.

12.42pm

Sunak’s campaign takes him to a brewery in Wales!  He attempts some Bonding With The Working Man and asks the workers if they’re excited for the football.

Top tip: if you don’t realise the country you’re in hasn’t qualified for the Euros, maybe don’t even mention the subject.

6.55pm

... here is a new problem. Ish.

As mentioned, three weeks ago, England held local council elections. In that time, the Tories lost over half their councillors; an unprecedented and staggering loss in one event. We are all still bathing in the schadenfreude.

But, many of those then left the party (probably fairly, actually - monsters though Tories are, that cannot have been fun.) But, the way politics in the UK works is that when you vote, you don't vote for the party - you vote for your local representative, and then it's a numbers game as to which party gets to rule. This means, with this sudden last-minute possibly-impulsively-declared-by-one-soggy-madman election now six weeks away, those candidates all need replacing so that the Tories will have a shot at getting the numbers they need to form a majority government.

Channel 4’s Paul McNamara reports that Conservative HQ have emailed asking for candidates in almost 100 seats.  The deadline’s tight for this – and apparently, joining the lengthening list of people who weren't informed of this stupid election plan, Tory associations are livid at being left so unprepared.

Now, a lot of these seats are Labour strongholds, so you don’t necessarily need more than a token Tory candidate for them. Phew! A great relief.

But some of them are actually good Tory seats. Uh oh!  Basildon, Bury St Edmunds, Wellingborough and Rushden …  It’s a bad hit to the Tories to have so little time to find good candidates for these seats.

8.59pm

Labour launch a campaign video.  It’s long, but the message is, “Remember life before the Tories got into power?  Wasn’t it BRILLIANT?”

And to prove how great 2009 was, they’ve included a clip of David Tennant’s Dr Who saying “I don’t want to go.”

Lol.

9.57pm

Filmmaker Richard Cubitt jokily suggests he could stand as a Tory candidate, and immediately defect to Labour as soon as possible once elected.

I don’t know if the deadline’s closed, but I am now speaking to the chat. Lads: the time will never be better. Do it. Tell the Tories you'll stand for them. Immediately defect. You have the opportunity to do the funniest thing. Be the rot in the barrel. The time is now.

ANYWAY. Oh boy. Day one of campaigning was quite bad. Ah well! Onwards and upwards for Wali Heb Broli. Let's see what Friday brings.

And of course: the losses are staggering (100 candidates!), but it could be worse.

At least it's not senior MPs.

Friday 24 May

7.00am

Over 70 MPs confirm they will not be standing for re-election.

7.35am

It’ll be lovely to see this election get rid of some truly awful Tories.  But no need to wait that long!  John Redwood stands down.  I haven't mentioned him before, but let's look at his clownface eggshell.

He opposed reducing the age of consent for homosexuality in 1994 and 1999, he voted to keep Section 28 in 2003, he opposed same sex marriage, he voted to reintroduce the death penalty in 1988, 1990 and 1994, he’s argued against Greta Thunberg over the UK’s climate emissions.

Although English, he became Secretary of State for Wales in 1993, and at a Tory conference, had to mime badly to the Welsh national anthem which he hadn’t bothered learning.  In 1995, he cheated Wales out of a £100 million grant by returning it unspent to the treasury, so it could go back to England.

So, John – if by some fantastically rare chance you’re somehow reading this – it’s wonderful to see you step down.  I wish you a very warm fuck you.  And I hope the rest of your life is absolutely horrible and filled with immeasurable pain. Kisses.

7.58am

Vicky Spratt of the i newspaper announces that, with an election announced, the Renters’ Reform won’t pass.

This is a big deal, actually - this was a rare good promise in the Tories’ 2019 manifesto to protect renters by ending no-fault evictions.  A good promise!  With cross-parliamentary support, only slowed as much as it was because most Tory backbenchers are landlords and so tried to block it. But the fighting raged on, and it was finally agreed.

And now it’s broken.  Wasting months of work by stakeholders, and thus forming another election promise that would have sailed through if only the election hadn't been called for July.

8.09am

Jeremy Corbyn – remember him? Former Labour leader, who was expelled from the Labour party in 2020 – confirms he’ll be standing as an independent.  He’s continued to be a member of Labour despite being an independent MP – but standing against Labour in an election means he’ll have his membership revoked too.

9.26am

So where are we at? How do you reckon the normal Tories in the party are faring? Do you think they're positive of a win? Do you think they expect to lose?

Great Guardian article here:

Highlights - one government minister happened to bump into his equivalent opposition member, and immediately thrust his official folder towards them, saying, “You might as well have this now.”

Another Tory MP hugged a Labour colleague and cast their arm around the room.  “Good luck.  This is all yours.”

One Tory backbencher was asked if it was a good idea to call an election.  “It’s a disaster. I can’t understand it.”

Even when they’re being optimistic, the Tories seem a little glum.  One long-standing MP said: “Of course I’m going to fight it, I don’t believe in just giving up like the prime minister has obviously decided to.”

A former minister raises an interesting point.  It’s not long, after all, since the Tories suffered those major defeats at the local council elections.  That's impacted the number of candidates, of course - but, local canvassing is largely done, on all parts of the political spectrum, but activist volunteers.

That loss was three weeks ago. If you were a volunteer who just spent weeks knocking on the doors of your neighbours and community, trying to convince them to vote for the dead horse, and then lost – maybe you won’t feel like hitting the streets again so soon. Maybe you'd prefer to be able to meet your neighbours' eyes when you bump into them in the bread slicing queue at Morrisons.

Some MPs have even admitted they won’t be cancelling holiday plans to fight the election.  On top of that, there's over 70 MPs that have already confirmed they’re quitting and won’t be seeking re-election!!! Absolute scenes.

Interestingly, some anti-Sunak Tories report frustration.  They reckon they were close to calling a vote of no-confidence, in the hopes of replacing Sunak with a different leader.  No idea if this is true – and if true, whether Sunak knew it. But given the panicked speed at which it seems to have been called...

11.08am

The campaign takes Rishi Sunak to the Titanic Quarter, to be interviewed by Belfast Live.

Elanor's Pro Tip: if you’re the leader of a failing political party, maybe don’t let journalists interview you on a site named after history’s most famous sinking ship.

11.57am

How’s the campaign going, Rishi?

Oh, Rishi. Looks like someone else is not meeting anyone's eyes in the bread-slicing queue.

1.12pm

Politics UK reports that 75 Tory MPs are now standing down at the election – the same number of Tories who stood down ahead of the 1997 election.

2.49pm

Sunak’s campaign takes him on board an aeroplane.

Elanor's Pro Tip: if you’re the leader of a failing political party, maybe don’t be photographed in front of an exit sign.

7.07pm

MICHAEL GOVE ANNOUNCES HE’S STANDING DOWN AS AN MP!

I could honestly use that gif like seventeen times in this write up. You can all thank me for my restraint in choosing just one.

The 79th Tory to do so at this election – an all-time record exodus.  Hey gang, would you like to see some familiar names joining him in this?

Theresa May

Sajid Javid

Dominic Raab

Matt Hancock

Ben Wallace

Nadhim Zahawi.

It’s just … not a great sign for the party, is it? That so many prominent MPs don’t reckon it’s worth sticking around.

7.50pm

Hey, remember those parody videos of Hitler getting angry with funny subtitles?  Someone made a good Sunak one:

10.48pm

The Guardian’s Kiran Stacey reports that Sunak will retreat from the campaign trail, spending the next day at home.

Honestly... that's probably best. Let him recover from the bread excitement.

10.50pm

We round off the day with Andrea Leadsom announcing she too is standing down as an MP. Bye, bitch.

WHAT A DAY! Still, Saturday will probably be better.

Saturday 25 May

12am

New episode of Doctor Who drops! It contains Welsh faeries. I later write a post explaining this. You're all welcome. Back to the circus.

10.06am

Good tweet alert!

11.14am

Keir Starmer promises to lower the voting age from 18 to 16 if he wins the election.

2.43pm

Hey remember how David Hameron was supposed to be in Albania? And actually went there? And then had to come back because of Rishi's totally-planned-for election announcement?

The Mirror reports that David Cameron spent £60,000 of taxpayers’ money getting to Albania for that trip.  He was there for 89 minutes, before he had to come back in light of the general election announcement.

This means it cost the country £674 a minute for Cameron to be in Albania for about as long as it takes to watch The Lion King.

6.14pm

Labour and the Tories put candidates forward for 650 seats in a general election.

Of course, that's not quite all of them. The Times’ Patrick Maguire understands that Labour have only 13 candidates left to select, which is pretty good.  The Tories are missing slightly more than that. 

They need to find around 190.

(The number is rising. Chat, you know what to do.)

9.29pm

According to the Telegraph, Theresa May has said if she was still PM she would have used an umbrella to declare the election.

She probably would have, too.

10.11pm

Now then!!! Gather round boys and girls and all the rest!

Remember: the election was called based upon the following main cards in Sunak's hand:

The Rwanda bill

Inflation falling

The Renter's Reform Bill

Inflation fell, but not by as much as it should have. The Rwanda plan fell through a day later. The election itself has blocked the Renter's Reform bill.

Rishi needs a new set of promises stat, in order to shore up votes from his most important bastions of support. What can he offer?

The evening brings the answer!

At 10.11pm - note the time - in spite of having taken the day off, Sunak promises mandatory national service for every 18 year old if he wins the election.  Either a year-long army placement, or a weekend a month volunteering for a year.

Sounds like a good pledge, if you’re hoping to motivate 18-year-olds to vote against you.

10.16pm

The Financial Times’ Jim Pickard reveals that the National Citizen Service (David Cameron’s legacy project) had its funding slashed by two-thirds in a 2022 review of government youth funding - when the chancellor was Rishi Sunak.

Five minutes.  That’s how long it took a journalist to melt Sunak’s new pledge.

Still; Tories never let facts get in the way.

10.27pm

Politics UK reports that leaked documents suggest teenagers would be jailed for refusing this national service.

11.47pm

Sunak's bad ideas generator works hard, but the meme makers of the internet work harder:

Still. Sunday is a day of rest! Hopefully Sunday will be better.

Sunday 26 May

9.50am

Let’s check the Sunday tweets.

Starting to think whoever is in charge of optics for Rishi Sunak may be a Labour plant.

10.21am

Fantastic tweet alert:

I Agree With Gabby

3pm

And then... PLOT TWIST!!!

FT’s Lucy Fisher reports that Sunak’s national service pledge - including assigning up to 30,000 18-year-olds to the military - was rejected this week by one of his own defence ministers.

Defence personnel minister Andrew Murrison warned of a hit to morale, headcount and resources if “potentially unwilling national service recruits” were introduced alongside Britain’s professional armed forces.

EVEN THE ARMY DON'T WANT THIS.

6.47pm

And then:

Incredible story from Gabriel Pogrund of the Times.

St Paul’s School, if you haven't heard of it, is an expensive and famous private school in England somewhere (I forget where and don't care).  As with other private schools, they’d be subject post-election to a Labour plan to remove their VAT exemption.

Tory MP Greg Hands took matters into his own Greg hands, and messaged the school’s parents’ WhatsApp group to try and drum up anti-Labour sentiment.

I can see the logic. These are parents with money, who have chosen to send their children to a private school that often means an easy track into politics generally and the Tory party specifically. I see why he thought he was safe.

Tumblrs, he was not safe.

Parents intervened, complaining about Hands spamming the chat, and claiming his use of the chat was “inappropriate”.

One parent messaged: “Can we stop assuming everyone is a Tory in this group.  A return to more morality, less corruption and more social conscience in British politics is not something to oppose necessarily.”

Another expressed that some parents will “feel it is hard to defend private schools being vat exempt.”

Ouch. Swing and a miss, Greg Hands.

Anyway. New week, new campaigning. I am writing this on Tuesday, and so our tale is nearly at an end for now; so let's see what happened on Monday.

Monday 27 May (Yesterday)

7.40am

Britain's teenagers respond to the national service plan. I love this tweet and the video it reposts:

And here, for your viewing pleasure, is the video:

8.17am

Tory MP Steve Baker (more on him later) actually tweets a public criticism of Sunak’s national service plan.  You might be thinking "Well yes, obviously"! But no! For you see, when approaching elections, parties need to be united. Divided parties generally find it harder to win elections.

Naughty Steve.

8.41am

Foreign Office Minister Anne-Marie Trevelyan, having seen the absolute shambles of Sunak’s campaigning, wakes up this fine Monday morn and invites him to hold her beer.

Appearing on Times Radio, she’s asked whether the parents of teenagers could be prosecuted if the teens refuse to take up national service.

And she doesn’t rule it out.

NO BUT WHAT THE FUCK. WHAT ARE YOU DOING ANNE-MARIE. IS THIS YOUR FIRST DAY OUT OF THE HOUSE.

Parents are NOT prosecuted for any wrongdoing of their ADULT CHILDREN.  How do you not understand this basic legal concept. The answer to that question was “no”!  You say “no” because it makes your party more likely to be elected, and you say “no” because the answer is no.

Oh dear. What a gaffe, as the papers say. Gosh, I really hope Anne-Marie Trevelyan’s gaffe stays contained.

8.56am

The Telegraph duly reports that parents of 18-year-olds might be fined if their children refuse national service.

Anne-Marie Trevelyan’s gaffe did not stay contained.

10.55am

Looks like the Tories are unhappy that the press revealed that Sunak took a day off from campaigning.

But that’s okay, they have a new strategy!  Reported by Politico, they’ve decided to suggest that Keir Starmer is too old to be a good Prime Minister.

They called him “weary” yesterday afternoon;

Tory Party Chair Richard Holden says it’s “bizarre” for Starmer to rest at home the day before a speech (but not for Rishi to - ? You know what, never mind);

A Tory aide tells the Sun that Starmer should be dubbed “Sir Sleepy” (what a Zinger, as those conscripted into national service say);

Another Tory aide calls Starmer “Sleepy Keir” according to the FT.

Keir Starmer is 61 years old.

11.17am

Let's check Tory candidate numbers!!!

Now last we looked it was 190, but obviously, as this is possibly their most urgent priority, they've been working flat out and recruiting across the land and so they have, fair play, managed to reduce that number.

The Spectator therefore reports that the Tories have 12 days to select 160 candidates.  Would you like to see the maths?

This means, on average, they need to select one candidate every 100 minutes.  Which is slightly less time than it takes to watch Toy Story 3.

#ChatYouKnowWhatToDo

12.41pm

The FT’s Lucy Fisher reports that Tory HQ has accidentally sent out an email criticising Tory MPs for failing to campaign, and warning of financial concerns in some seats.

Cannot stress this enough: even if the Tory campaign was going really well and they were predicting a landslide their way, this would be a terrible blow.

5.02pm

The Mirror reports that Tory MP Steve Baker is on holiday in Greece.  That’s pretty irresponsible, isn’t it?  What does Baker have to say for himself?

"The Prime Minister told everyone we could go on holiday and then called a snap election. So I've chosen to do my campaign work in Greece."

… this is the greatest Tory campaign in history.

(And once again... when exactly did you decide to do this, Rishi?)

5.15pm

In an absolutely baffling move whose motives I still cannot entirely fathom, Tory MP Lucy Allan - a repugnant, malignant liar of a woman who once altered an email from a constituent so she could claim it contained a death threat against her - is suspended by the party, for telling voters in her ward to vote for Reform UK instead of the Tories.

...

...

...

...wwwhyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

6.18pm

Good tweet alert! Here's political journalist Jonn Elledge:

6.30pm

Meanwhile, a Tory chooses to contact journalist Theo Usherwood over WhatsApp, criticising the election strategist Isaac Levido:

Now this is particularly interesting, because Levido is the guy who managed to swing the last GE to BlowJo, even though Labour were riding high on Corbyn. And I don't know, maybe he is actually shit at this and all that was luck.

I just... wouldn't have said he was the reason for this one going the way it is. Necessarily.

Finally, let's finish off Monday with a last good tweet:

10.06pm

***

That's all for now, folks! Thank you for reading, enjoy the circus playing out this week!

[contemplatingoutlander]

It has fallen to me, the humor columnist, to endorse Harris for president

Isn’t this what a newspaper is supposed to do?

I love that The Washington Post satirist Alexandra Petri took it upon herself to endorse Harris for her paper after Bezos pulled the plug on the editorial board doing so. This is a gift🎁link, so feel free to read the entire article. Below are some excerpts:

The Washington Post is not bothering to endorse a candidate in the 2024 presidential election. (Jeff Bezos, the founder of Blue Origin and the founder and executive chairman of Amazon and Amazon Web Services, also owns The Post.) We as a newspaper suddenly remembered, less than two weeks before the election, that we had a robust tradition 50 years ago of not telling anyone what to do with their vote for president. It is time we got back to those “roots,” I’m told! Roots are important, of course. As recently as the 1970s, The Post did not endorse a candidate for president. As recently as centuries ago, there was no Post and the country had a king! [...] But if I were the paper, I would be a little embarrassed that it has fallen to me, the humor columnist, to make our presidential endorsement. I will spare you the suspense: I am endorsing Kamala Harris for president, because I like elections and want to keep having them. Let me tell you something. I am having a baby (It’s a boy!), and he is expected on Jan. 6, 2025 (It’s a … Proud Boy?). This is either slightly funny or not at all funny.  [...] Well, that world [the baby will be born into] will look very different, depending on the outcome of November’s election, and I care which world my kid gets born into. I also live here myself. And I happen to care about the people who are already here, in this world. Come to think of it, I have a lot of reasons for caring how the election goes. I think it should be obvious that this is not an election for sitting out. The case for Donald Trump is “I erroneously think the economy used to be better? I know that he has made many ominous-sounding threats about mass deportations, going after his political enemies, shutting down the speech of those who disagree with him (especially media outlets), and that he wants to make things worse for almost every category of person — people with wombs, immigrants, transgender people, journalists, protesters, people of color — but … maybe he’ll forget.” “But maybe he’ll forget” is not enough to hang a country on! [...] I’m just a humor columnist. I only know what’s happening because our actual journalists are out there reporting, knowing that their editors have their backs, that there’s no one too powerful to report on, that we would never pull a punch out of fear. That’s what our readers deserve and expect: that we are saying what we really think, reporting what we really see; that if we think Trump should not return to the White House and Harris would make a fine president, we’re going to be able to say so. That’s why I, the humor columnist, am endorsing Kamala Harris by myself! [color/ emphasis added]

How far The Washington Post has fallen into the "darkness" it used to work so hard to ward off to help keep our democracy alive.

[edited]

[dvhuwr]

Genshin Impact - NSFW Pantalone Alphabet Head Canons !!

Pairing: AMAB Pantalone + AFAB Reader

Synopsis + Information: NSFW Pantalone Head Canons for every letter of the Alphabet. 

Tags: Mentions of Sex, Cream pie, BDSM, Uneven Power Dynamic, Rough Sex, Anal, CNC, Mentions of innocence and vulnerability, Overstimulation, Fingering, Fellatio, Cunnilingus, Edging, Quickies, Dirty Talk, Lap Dance, Face Fucking, Free Use, Pet Name “Princess”

Minors do not interact with my account or this post! Enjoy!

A = Aftercare (What they’re like after the act). As one of the wealthiest individuals in Teyvat, Pantalone never fails to spoil you. He takes great pleasure in rewarding you with expensive and lavish gifts including jewellery and designer clothing. This is his way of showing appreciating and love for you after having sex. Due to the nature of your sex, he also checks up on you, to see if you’re okay and if there’s anything you may need.

B = Body part (Their favourite Body part). He absolutely adores your face. Whilst he, of course, likes your body, there’s nothing better than seeing the lewd faces you make whilst he shoves his cock deep into your pussy.

C = Cum (Anything cum related). Pantalone enjoys finishing inside of you, he likes watching his seed drip down your cunt, he finds it very erotic. He also enjoys finishing inside of you to reduce the mess, plus, he believes finishing ‘on’ you is tacky.

D = Dirty Secret (A dirty secret of theirs). He is very turned on by BDSM. He has a vast collection of bondage, ropes, whips and other various ‘toys’ that could be used in the BDSM department. He loves seeing your moans of pain, it makes him feel like he has power over you, and that you’re his own personal toy.

E = Experience (How experienced are they?). Very. He knows exactly what he’s doing. As a wealthy and influential figure in Teyvat, there is no surprise that he has had his fair share of encounters with women.

F = Favourite Position (Favourite sex position). Pantalone is a very busy man, dealing with Snezhnaya’s economy and so forth. Therefore, a commonly used position is doggy on his work desk. Whenever he feels the urge to, he will pull you to the side and bend you over his desk, and without warning, he will thrust into your pussy whilst tightly gripping the back of your hair. It’s quick and get’s the job done, as most days he doesn’t have time for drawn out intercourse. It also makes him feel powerful; being able to pull you to the side and force you to take his cock from behind.

G = Goofy (Are they more serious in the moment or are they humorous). No. Pantalone is not someone who jokes around, especially during sex. If you ever try to joke around with him, he will make sure to punish you accordingly.

H = Hair (How groomed are they down there). He believes self-care is of utmost importance, especially down there. He is completely shaved and keeps up with this daily.

I = Intimacy (How are they during the moment, the romantic aspect). He can be romantic when he feels it is appropriate; in fact, Pantalone can be very romantic, taking you out to fancy dinners and buying you expensive and beautiful bouquets of flowers. But don’t be fooled, as soon as he gets you into bed, he’ll be rough, demanding and dominant.

J= Jack off (Masturbation). He doesn’t masturbate, he believes masturbation is ‘tacky’. He knows he can pull you to the side any time he wants and fuck you senseless; therefore, masturbation is of no use to him.

K = Kink (One or more of their kinks). He has many. He mostly indulges in CNC and BDSM. He loves the feeling of forcing himself onto you, and being as rough as he pleases. Panting heavily whilst he’s hunched over you, thrusting into your ass whilst you moan his name and tell him to stop.

L = Location (Favourite places to have sex). Pantalone believes having sex in public is tacky and stays away from such, especially since his reputation is of value to him. Therefore, the bedroom tends to do the job, especially since that’s where he keeps his collection of sexual ‘toys’. However, he is a busy man who is constantly working at his desk, and he won’t be afraid to bend you over his desk and rail you from behind when he feels like it.

M = Motivation (What turns them on, gets them going). Whenever he sees you looking vulnerable and innocent, it turns him on greatly. He also just plays off of instinct as well; he has a high sex drive so, whenever he has the urge to have sex, he’ll drag you toward him and slam you onto his desk before fucking you like there’s no tomorrow.

N = No (Turn offs, things you shouldn’t do). He is not open to you not taking him seriously, and if he can sense you joking around this will frustrate him. Additionally, any sort of public sex or threesomes are completely off the table for Pantalone; he feels as if these activities are for ‘low lives’ and are ‘tacky’.

O = Oral (Preferences, skill). He enjoys face fucking you, watching the beautiful mess he creates all over your face. But he can’t help but eat out your cunt. Eating pussy is something he is extremely skilled at; he’ll suck on your clit while sliding his fingers in and out of your cunt until your dripping wet and begging him to keep going. And, when he feels like it, he’ll edge you and stop as your about to cum, leaving your pussy twitching and pulsing for more. What a tease!

P = Pace (Are they fast, slow, rough or gentle?). His pacing can depend on the scenario. He can be slow or fast or rough or gentle. However, he almost always prefers starting off slightly slowly to tease you and leave you begging; then suddenly fucking you hard, rough and fast to overstimulate you.

Q = Quickies (Opinion on Quickies). He takes pleasure in having quickies with you, especially during his work hours. There’s something so perverted about swiping the contents of his desk to the floor and roughly slamming into your tight ass while he’s meant to be reading through tedious documents.

R= Risk (Are they game to experiment). Pantalone cares too much about his reputation to take risks during sex, especially if it’s public sex. Being caught in such a degenerate act is the last thing he wants and needs.

S = Stamina (How many rounds can they last for, how long do they last?). Long. Not only can he go for a while without finishing, but he also has the stamina and endurance to go for plenty of rounds. He can really go for hours if you let him, though you probably wouldn’t be able to walk afterwards.

T = Toy (Do they own toys or use them?). He loves using toys on you. As mentioned before, Pantalone has a vast collection of whips, toys, ropes, paddles and so forth that he takes pleasure in using. His favourite are the ropes; he likes tying your wrists and ankles together so there’s no chance you can escape him, even if you beg him to stop. The whines of pain and over stimulation are sounds that can make him cum in a matter of seconds.

U = Unfair (How much do they tease?). Pantalone takes great enjoyment from teasing you, it makes him feel dominant and powerful. He’ll swirl his tongue around your clit whilst thrusting his fingers into you, gradually increasing the speed till’ you’re about to cum. But then, he stops. He’ll leave your pussy pulsing and you begging for more, and he won’t continue until he feels like you’ve done an adequate amount of begging. Watching how desperate you get for him is a massive turn on.

V = Volume (How loud are they, what sounds do they make?). He isn’t very loud. He’ll breathe heavily and lightly moan whilst thrusting into you, but he definitely isn’t loud. However, if he’s dirty talking you, he may raise his voice slightly, to make sure you can understand every single word he’s saying to you. “Look at me brat, look at me while I shove my cock into your little cunt,” he’ll demand of you.

W = Wild Card (A random NSFW Head canon of choice). Pantalone loves lap dances. Quite frequently he’ll ask you to dress up for him and show him some dance moves. He’ll even throw money at you to treat you as if you were a stripper; then once his cock starts leaking in his pants, he’ll push you to your knees and face fuck you relentlessly.

X = X-Ray (What’s inside his pants?). Pantalone may have a cute and innocent smile, but don’t let this deceive you, he really is packing down there. Measuring out at 7 inches, his cock can really do some damage if he isn’t careful. But sometimes the pain feels too good.

Y = Yearning (Sex Drive). He may be a busy man, but this doesn’t affect his extremely high sex drive. He just can’t help but thinking about fucking your tight asshole, he loves it. Furthermore, the fact that you’re pretty much always available for him to ‘use’ makes it easier for him to act on his thoughts, rather than suppress them.

Z = ZZZ (How quickly do they fall asleep after sex?). No; he’s too busy for that. Once he’s done with you, he’ll usually leave to continue his work. He’ll check up on you after sex and make sure you’re okay and he’ll remind you, “If there’s anything you want, tell the maids. Oh, and also, I’ve left some Mora on the bedside table, go treat yourself if needs be Princess.”

[simply-ivanka]

Trump’s Comeback and What’s to Come

By Karl Rove

Wall Street Journal

It seemed impossible a year ago, but the success of America is again in his hands.

And so it ended, almost abruptly.

Many pundits—me included—expected days of uncertainty, vote counting and legal wrangling. But before sunrise Wednesday, it was over. Donald Trump engineered the most astonishing political comeback in American history.

The former and future president appears to have swept all seven battleground states. He also is well ahead of Kamala Harris in the national popular vote, 51% to 47.5% as of Wednesday afternoon. If he carries every state he now leads, he will have a more substantial Electoral College victory: 312 votes to her 226. That’s a clear mandate.

President-elect Trump achieved his victory by assembling a new coalition. He added to the GOP’s traditional base working-class noncollege voters of all races; young voters, especially young men; the biggest share of the Hispanic vote since at least 2004; and the largest black percentage for Republicans in decades. He expanded his majorities in rural counties and small towns while building his numbers in cities and suburbs. His percentage of the vote ballooned in blue states like New York, New Jersey and Illinois.

Mr. Trump created this coalition by opposing Biden-Harris policies on the economy, inflation, the border and wokeness while promising to restore America’s greatness. He was aided by the sense that the economy was better and more prosperous when he was in office. And with two-thirds of Americans believing our country was on the wrong course, he became the change candidate.

When his re-election journey began in 2022, it seemed impossible to all but him, his family and true believers that he would win. The lawsuits, indictments and later the conviction would have doomed any other candidacy.

But he persevered, and his supporters grew in numbers. He knew what appealed to people in a way others—including me—didn’t see. A friend explained it to me on Monday as we walked a New York street. Pointing to nearby construction workers, he said the former president cares about people like them and they feel that. Millions of Americans who don’t believe politicians care about them, their challenges and their aspirations see Mr. Trump as their champion.

Mr. Trump also benefited from the mental and physical incapacity of the sitting president seeking a second term. It’s a scandal that Joe Biden and his inner circle thought it was in the country’s best interest that he run when he had declined so precipitously. They hid the fact that age had robbed Mr. Biden of what America needed in the Oval Office.

Challenges await Mr. Trump. The international scene is chaotic and dangerous, from Ukraine to Taiwan to the Middle East. He will have a Republican Senate but there’s still a slim chance of a Democratic House. It will likely take days to settle the final contests in California that may determine which party has the lower chamber’s majority.

America remains deeply polarized, and some of Mr. Trump’s proposed policies—such as the expensive sales taxes that his tariff ideas constitute—could prove unpopular. This could boomerang on him in the 2026 midterms. And second terms are rarely easy.

Early Wednesday morning Mr. Trump promised: “Every citizen, I will fight for you, for your family and your future.” He pledged “with every breath in my body, I will not rest until we have delivered the strong, safe and prosperous America that our children deserve.”

If the new president focuses his prodigious energies on this, he can achieve good things in the next two years. But if he makes a priority of settling scores with opponents—which he promised to do during the campaign—he’ll waste his limited time and precious political capital.

But Mr. Trump will do it his way. In Trump 2.0, there will likely be more people urging him to hit the accelerator on whatever policy idea, good or bad, occurs to him than in his first term and fewer counseling him to pump the brakes.

Some of his ardent supporters play this down. They remind us of journalist Salena Zito’s admonition to take Mr. Trump seriously but not literally. She may have a point, but it should be a greater comfort to nervous Americans that the guardrails of our system of government remain strong and effective.

This is the moment when both victors and the defeated traditionally set aside the election’s acrimony and, even if briefly, give the incoming president a chance to start fresh. Mr. Trump is the only president America will have come January. We should all wish him godspeed and pray for wisdom in his efforts. Our nation’s success is once again tied to him.

[everyonewooeverywhere]

dj dj 🫵

I really wanna hear your monsta x hard thoughts or like. any brainrot that you have for any of them cause I love your work

I'm feeling very Changkyun recently. he's sooooo

I think he's a possessive little shit if I'm being honest w/you. I think he's the kind to perk up whenever he hears you talking/always makes room for you when you come over to him. he doesn't even stop what he's doing, just presses a kiss to the side of your head and keeps talking

this was supposed to be hard thoughts LMFAO I'm just needy for him

anon anon 🫵

first off, thank you for reading and enjoying my work! 💗

second, one thing to know about me is i will always absolutely catapult myself at the chance to talk about my obsession with changkyun. and i thank you for gifting me with that opportunity.

my mind immediately goes to when he was on bambam’s show last year (i think??) and bambam asked if his future partner had to have money. and kyun just said “no, i make enough for both of us.” and IN THIS ECONOMY???? you better believe that is the sexiest thing ever. 

like, he’ll always take care of you. in every way. buying you gifts, supporting your hobbies, just everything. he’d buy you the world if he could. of course, he’ll take care of you in other ways too. 👀

i like to think that kyun’s partner HAS to have a voice kink. there is just no way they don’t. have you heard him speak???? dear god. 

he’s hovering over you in bed. fingers playing with the elastic of your underwear as he kisses your neck. just below your ear. he's quiet. focusing on kissing your skin. it's not until you moan out his name when he moves his hand to palm your pussy through your panties that he moves his face to your ear, softly biting the shell before asking in his low voice "you'll moan extra load for me tonight, right baby?" you can help but whimper at just the sound of his voice.

OR oh god. his voice when he first wakes up in the morning. 🙂

you're facing away from him. your bare back pressed against his chest. he has an arm draped over your waist holding you close to him. you wake up to him rubbing your thigh and kissing your neck. when he notices your shuffling and waking up, he grumbles a "good morning" into your ear. it is a simple greeting but you feel it immediately deep in your core. he notices you press your thighs impossibly close together and teases you, "really baby? i didn't even do anything." you whine ever so slightly, though and he's quick to bring his hand between your thighs where you want him the most.

and a note on his possessiveness...absolutely. ESPECIALLY in public. it's never anything graphic or explicit, but his hands are ALWAYS on you. on your lower back, your thighs, your hair. being the quiet type, he'll always let you lead conversations. nodding along as he keeps on with his little touches. and he's not possessive for the reasons you might think. it's not about anyone else but you. he wants YOU to know that you're the only one for him. he trusts you completely around other guys, but he wants you to know that he'd never for a second leave your side. and his touches are reminders of that.

his tattoos are a headcanon of their own so....maybe we'll touch on that another day 🤭

[zukosdualdao]

i promise i'll do better (i will soften every edge)

zutara month, day 11: "mom and dad are fighting again", @zutaramonth

summary: kya interrupts an argument between katara and zuko.

warnings: reference to (implied) abuse/domestic violence, wrt to ozai's treatment of ursa.

other notes: lyrics from 'light' by sleeping at last. don't ask me how timelines work idk. yes there is a zutara daughter named kya here (separate entity from the lok kya.) she wears her hair in a southern water tribe braid and zuko calls her firecracker and it’s very cute. not really relevant but in this story i’m imagining she’s a nonbender.

“Katara, you know I agree with you.”

Across from him, she crosses her arms, and Zuko sighs. The throne room is empty, save for the two of them, and Zuko feels trapped, claustrophobic in the walls. They’ve made a point of opening up windows in the castle, letting light filter in, getting rid of old, haunting portraits, and making something new and beautiful together. 

But the throne room doesn’t have windows to open. On a day like today, at times like these, it’s all too easy to remember the staunchly severe figures both his grandfather and father made here, walling themselves as they did behind high, towering fires.

Maybe they shouldn’t be having this talk here. It's too late now, but something to note for the future.

“It doesn’t seem like it.”

“Of course I want to increase reparations soon,” he insists. “That’s the plan, and that’s always been the plan. But we have to be smart about this,” he tries to remind her. “We can’t do it all at once, or people will try to block—”

“Oh, so now you’re all about thinking things through! Those instincts could have served you well years ago, you know.”

Zuko closes his eyes and runs a hand through his hair. The words are biting, but it’s nothing he can’t handle. Things have been tense again in the Fire Nation lately. Better than ever before in some ways. Worse in others.

The first years after the war were a turbulent time in the Fire Nation—riots from those not happy with the changing of the old guard, strikes from workers contesting the need to pay reparations to the other nations, whispers of loyalists to the old regime plotting to get either Ozai or Azula back on the throne. A few assassination attempts, all handled efficiently but reason enough for concern.

Ten years past the end of the war, though, and things have started to stabilize. The plan has always been to increase reparations once the Fire Nation’s economy has improved, and Zuko intends to keep his word. But part of the system he’s trying to build means that there are representatives from all over the Fire Nation, as well as the other nations, and they each have their own agendas. It’s a tricky thing to navigate; he has to take all of their concerns seriously, of course, but also act according to his own principles. To live up to the promises he made years ago, and that he’ll continue to make for years to come.

Katara looks at him with a combative raise of her eyebrow.

It’s taken a strain on their relationship. It doesn’t happen often, but when it does, they’re both a little too good at lashing out, both a little too good at saying the thing that will hurt, even if they immediately regret it.

But usually, by the end of the day if not before, they can remember they’re on the same side, for all that their perspectives might differ.

“Can we pause?” Zuko asks of her, and her features soften. “Just—try to hear each other out? Katara, I understand…” but before he can finish, the large door to the throne room creaks, and Zuko watches as one of the serving maids guides their daughter into the room.

“See?” Kya points to them, eyes wide with alarm and lip quivering. “Mom and Dad are fighting again.”

Something in Zuko’s stomach drops. He doesn’t want her to worry about this. About them. He’d had to worry about his parents, to worry about his mother, Ozai looming over her, and sometimes Zuko was pretty sure he saw fear in her eyes where there should have been love, and then—

She’d been gone. And he’d drawn his own conclusions, quietly and with little reason to question them.

“She coudn’t sleep,” Hina says apologetically, and Zuko only waves a hand. “She was asking for you both.”

“Thank you for bringing her.”

“Oh, sweetie, don’t worry,” Katara says, walking over and lifting Kya up onto her hip. “Things are just tense right now,” she says, with a guilty sideways look to Zuko, who smiles weakly. “It’s not anything for you to worry about.”

“Promise?”

Zuko walks over to join the huddle and places a kiss atop her dark hair, which is twisted in a braid. “Promise, little firecracker. Mom and Dad are just trying to figure out the right way to handle something.” He meets Katara’s eyes and tries to impress the sincerity of his words on her. “But we will figure it out. We always do.”

Katara smiles at him and uses the hand not keeping Kya secure on her hip to touch the small of Zuko’s back in a gentle gesture. The three of them stand huddled together, and for the first time in… weeks, probably, Zuko feels his body relax, just a little.

He smiles back, a little exhausted but a lot relieved—to have Katara with him, there to both challenge and support him, to have Kya with them, creative and funny and quick as a whip as she is, and at only age four. He’s glad to have his family.

They are okay. Right now, they are okay. Whatever else may come.

[agendabymooner]

𝐡𝐨𝐧𝐞𝐲 𝐡𝐨𝐧𝐞𝐲 !!! 𝐥𝐧𝟒 — 𝐭𝐰𝐨

☼ LANDO NORRIS RETWEETED

chapter summary: lando norris is beginning to show his true colours after honey-sue announced her third album release and her participation in a special event occurring in three months — maybe he’s just excited to see her during the monaco gp?

OR f1 fans are noticing that his twitter timeline is being taken over by posts about the famous british youtuber/musician.

content warning: use of explicit language, ofc’s discography is based on lana del rey’s albums and songs, insta + twitter posts, mentions of cigarette + alcohol consumption, mentions anxiety, short jokes, “liked by pierre gasly”

a - n masterlist

o - z masterlist

tagged sidemen

liked by landonorris, maxfewtrell, pierregasly

chrismd oh geez can’t wait to share lockers with you i guess 🤥

suemehoney god forbid i’d actually see some kneecaps on you, dixon 😳

user1 stop violating him oh my god 🫣😩

stephentries_ finally 🙃 the better lewis playing for the match liked by suemehoney

zerkaa one of the boooooyz 😩💪 liked by suemehoney

bambinobecky my favourite pick me 😭🫡 liked by suemehoney

suemehoney actually give me a kiss plz 🥵

user2 “liked by landonorris” 💀

user3 honey is officially a victim of “liked by pierregasly” 😭😭😭🫡

user4 what’re these f1 people doing in honey’s insta??? 😳

user5 didn’t mean to invade y’all— but we couldn’t contain lando and pierre in the horny jail so we had to check out what’s the fuss ourselves

user4 understood

liked by landonorris, pierregasly, miniminter

user1 OKAY SERVE SIS SERVE

user2 i’ll kiss you in the mouth if you do the spoon necklace again 😩

ksi 😭😭 liked by suemehoney

wroetoshaw i’ll be the first to cry when it first come out liked by suemehoney

r0sielewis 🥵 liked by suemehoney

niko they better play this at my funeral liked by suemehoney

suemehoney i’ll even dj it for you neeko 😚🤭

user3 yo these f1 drivers are wiiiiild 😭

user4 “liked by landonorris” 💀

user5 “liked by pierregasly” 😅 can’t believe this shit

user6 can’t even have shit in this economy

HONEY HONEY

william ya shit! who is this man??? he goes on to say that this lunch is important but he isn’t here??? tf am i doing here? i could be doing something else!

WILLIAM²

honey calm down m8 😅 lando said he’ll be here in five minutes that’s what max said at least why don’t you grab some alcohol

HAROLDINHO

and get her pissed in monaco at 1 in the afternoon? are you insane? do you want to die?

WILLIAM²

allow it? it’s her vacation harold— let her drink if she wants to drink

HONEY HONEY

i took my anxiety meds this morning you fuckin numpty 😭 if i drink now it’ll be nothing but a trip to the hospital for me

WILLIAM²

right. shit sorry. maybe take some breather? filly’s more than willing to walk around with you before we order. i’ll talk to max about lando 🙏 the idiot isn’t always this late so this is unusual

HONEY HONEY

you better 😐 i should’ve brought cigarettes

HAROLDINHO

shut your mouth. if i see a single stick i’m shoving it down your throat.

HONEY HONEY

oh fuck off. you’ve had worse than nicotine. bitch.

MAX 😚

m8 🤠 the more time you spend in front of a mirror the more time you lose with your lover girl

LANDO 🥵

fuck off im nervous

MAX 😚

lad 😭 she’s not going to bite you. she doesn’t even want to talk to people what makes you think she’d want to deliberately talk to you?

LANDO 🥵

that’s even worse 😭😭 i’m omw. seriously. i just need to make sure i look decent enough 🙄

MAX 😚

you might have to do some explaining to w2s about you retweeting posts about his sister though 😅 the whole “lando norris retweeted” spiel is becoming a trend and uh it’s not a good look for you

LANDO 🥵

MAX FOR FUCKS SAKE!

[murdrdocs]

(NSFW) stepsister with virgin!ethan landry PA LEASE🖤

he stalks her.he likes calling her dumb and pretty.ADD ANYTHING YOU’RE COMFORTABLE WITH🖤

YUPPP no smut just plot :)

He’s so condescending. So mean, he thinks he’s better than you, only because he just happens to be a few months older. “Sibling superiority. You do what I say,” he’s told you many, many, times. Each time, you roll your eyes and flip him off, secretly feeling giddy at the way he smiles at you afterwards. 

You remember when your mom told you about Wayne, you felt indifferent. You were gonna go off to college incredibly soon, nothing would change about your household for now. Sure, holiday’s would be slightly different, but nothing you couldn’t handle. Until Wayne told you that both of his children would also be going to Blackmore University. 

Until you merged houses and saw just how different life with the Baileys was going to be. 

There was only maybe two weeks between moving in with the Baileys, and move in day. And those two weeks were spent sharing glances with Ethan that were too heavy to be familial. 

The way he treated you was so … off. Eyeing you with a heavy gaze as you walked around the house in shorts, watching you during family dinners, offering to take you places that one time your car was in the shop whenever you could’ve sworn that he hated you. He was so back and forth, such a hypocrite, spewing insults at you and then hanging out in your room afterwards. 

“You’re such a dumb little girl. Not a single thought in your head.” 

“Too busy worrying about looking pretty to even understand how the economy works, huh?” 

And that same night you were a few paces to your bedroom when he was coming out, looking sheepish upon running into you. 

“I … uh … left my charger in your room from the other night.” 

“The night when you had nothing better to do than lay in my bed and watch Tenet with me?” 

A curt nod and he was scurrying across the hall to his room. (You lost two pairs of underwear since that visit and you can’t figure out where they’ve gone to)

And when you get to Blackmore, you have hopes that he’ll leave you alone, hopefully you’ll peel off into different friend groups. But no such luck befalls upon you, since you, Quinn, and Ethan all wind up in the same friend group. 

You swear he’s following you. There’s been many times that you’ve checked your Life360 to find where Mindy was, and Ethan’s icon is entirely too close to you, especially when you know he has a class on the other side of the campus. 

Annika makes a cruel joke that your new step brother has a crush on you. You laugh it off. 

But you wouldn’t mind it.

[ilov3b00kss0much]

can I vent to someone about the eitan typus (means character kinda but like I can’t English this) because he is driving me insane

vent under the cut

KDKDKDKSK I HATE HIM. For these reasons:

He’s demanding and controlling and asks too much and guilt trips me. See recent text thread:

It’s not in order I’ll organize it later but whatever you see the point

he was my first kiss UNFORTANTLY FOR ME IT WAS NOT MY CHOICENFNDKSLALALUGHHHHH I hate him. Luckily it was just on the cheek but still It’s not fair. And then he was liek “don’t tell!” MOTHERFUCKER WHAT? I hate him so much oh my god. it was when I was 11 btw

he makes me feel weak and helpless and I never know how to argue back

he thinks he knows everything about things he knows nothing about like I told him my therapist said I have adhd (EHICH SHE DID YAYYY) and he was like “no you don’t have adhd adhd is when you need everything to be perfevt” NO?? ITS NOT??? WHAT??? AND HE DISMISSED EVERYTHING I GO THRU AND JM LIKE “I havea diagnosis for ocd and he goes “oh it must be mild” NO???? ITS MODERATE TO SEVERE???? I CANT HANDLE WHEN MY BROTHER OR ANYONE ELSE IS SICK TO THE EXTENT I HIDE IN MY ROOM AND MAKE A MAKESHIFT MASK????

I HAT HIM I HATE GIM I HATE HIM UGHHHH HE DISMISSES EVERYONE ELSES STRUGGLES AND JUST BECAUSE HES NOT OK HE WANTS TO MAKE SURE NOONE ELSE IS HAPPY AND I WANT TO KILL HIM FOR MAKING ME FEEL SO WEAK AND HELPLESS AND SCARED AND SHAKY AND SICK AND JDKWLWLUGHHHH

oh and he thinks trump is better for America cuz economy and when I fought back because I’m NOT eleven anymore and I’m not weak and I’m not gonna let anyone walk over me anymore, he was liek “what he never said anything about abortion” and “yeah he’ll be bad for queer people but he’ll fix the economy” SO WHAT? SO FUCKING WHAT? I hate him so much.

[p0ssywhippedcream]

hey girl could i get L x pregnant wife reader? like they pregnant with his kid, i don't even want kids but i got hella baby fever 😭

babydoll of course!!! this it literally me when i’m like kids? in this economy? oh but their giggles and the shoes and awwwwwwww

Even though L knows the facts and has already done extensive research on pregnancy and things to do with it, this is one of the only times you can catch him re-doing it.

He’s searching up which chemicals balance your hormones, how quickly children’s feet grow, what natural supplements help with nausea. He knows a lot of the information that he gets provided but it feels nice to just be sure he’s doing it right.

He has no fucking idea what he’s doing. He’s scared that he’ll be a bad father, he’ll be a bad lover to you and that somehow, somewhere along the way, he’ll damage his kid.

So he’s double checking the labels on everything you eat, stacking pillows when you can’t massage you and always, always making sure you feel okay. He’s doing all he can right now to be the best he can be. The slightest twitch of your cheek or murmured groan and he’s dropping his work like it’s a overheated Hot Pocket and rushing over to you.

“Are your feet sore? Is your stomach feeling better? Did you drink the citrus herbal tea Watari left out for you?”

“Babe, babe! I’m fine, it’s just my back. This thing is getting heavy.” You laugh and tap your belly softly with your knuckles.

“Would you like a massage?”

You kiss both his cheeks then his lips. “Go back to work, I’m fine. Go save the world! We’ll be okay, I promise.” and with that, you waddle out of there in the fuzzy slippers he bought you, leaving a dopey grin on his face.

You��re completely unaware that you’re his world. His strong moral code and sense of justice and ego and all of that aside, you’re the most important thing to him and some billionaire getting burglarized could never matter as much as your comfort.

And even though he knows that the baby probably can’t hear him, he still talks to them all the time. His hands cradle your tummy, his eyes wide and watching for any sign of a kick as he recites poetry. He never says anything negative around you anymore because what if his baby can hear?

He speaks only of the goodness he fights for on the daily. He holds your belly and murmurs about love, laughter, good cake, dancing, sunshine, family, warm baths. He dotes on both of you, completely wrapped around your finger.

If it wasn’t obvious before you got pregnant, the amount of love he holds for you sure is now. He just needs you to be okay and happy because if you are, he is.

Sure, L is a busy guy and sometimes his work distanced him from his relationships but if he had to retire right now and hand over the L legacy to Near, he would do it in a heartbeat just to be with you and his lovely baby.

[farfromstrange]

Matt Murdock Vacation Headcanons

As promised, here are my headcanons for Matt Murdock on vacation. I will be turning this into a fic soon, I promise.

Pairing: Matt Murdock x afab!reader

Summary: Just some headcanons about our dear Matthew on vacation

Warnings: Spicy themes (but no detailed smut), flying (?), sensory overload mentions, that’s it

a/n: You want to talk or request something? Just press the button in my bio and I will answer as soon as possible!

18+ MINORS DNI

Going on vacation with Matthew would include…

Matt would NOT sleep on the plane but he’d want you to, especially when you’re leaving early because sleeping on planes can feel more relaxing than sleeping on the ground, and so he offers you his shoulder (it calms his nerves)

He has earplugs, but refuses to chew gum (the taste and with certain flavors, the spice doesn’t sit right with him, as does the consistency, so he can’t chew gum without getting overwhelmed) and he also can’t take travel sedatives because he feels like they lull his senses in an uncomfortable way

The time in the sky is okay. You know the time between take-off and landing? Yes, that. He just feels a little light-headed due to the change in pressure and air density, but his head becomes a little clearer in the air and it helps with his anxiety (which I’m pretty sure he has every time he has to go anywhere that’s outside of Hell’s Kitchen) a lot.

Landing sucks balls too; the change in pressure causes his ears to close again and his head to feel like mush, and to him it’s even more painful than to everyone else (it depends on the person, of course)

He can feel every little turbulence, so he needs someone to either hold his hand or just sit there to fight off the overstimulation.

He’s jumpy whenever a turbulence hits and part of him is screaming Get out of there or you’ll die! So he needs someone to ground him, distract him, anything.

Though if you’re the one scared of turbulence, he puts his fear second and tries to distract you, which also helps him

You listen to podcasts or watch a movie (if you don’t want to sleep) or you just talk to get his (and perhaps your) mind off of things

The risk of overstimulating is the exact reason for, if you have the money, he’d appreciate it if you guys could fly first- or business class because he has more space to breathe and move around

But if you can’t (which is highly likely because barely anyone can)

Although I think Matt would sacrifice all of his savings to fly first class, simply because he needs to be comfortable

But anyway, if you do end up flying economy (which, like I said, is highly likely to happen) he just needs more things to distract him from the sensory overload that comes with flying

After landing, he wants to be out of that airport as fast as possible, the noise and the smell making his senses go haywire

If you’re going somewhere warm, he needs a hotel with an A/C or he’ll die

He’s scared of the different textures of the food, but he isn’t opposed to trying anything once, especially local foods and restaurants

If you pick a double room with a couple’s shower and mirrors on the walls, you better know the sex is going to be mind-blowing

First day vacation Matt is tired, especially if you’re going to a different time zone, but as soon as the jet lag is over, he gets back his stamina

He hates relaxing, but for you he’ll do the couple’s massages and dinner dates every night, taking walks in the park (if there is one close to your hotel) and everything else that cliché couples do. It makes him feel normal for once, which is nice, considering his life at home is anything but

He also sleeps in for the first time, which has you thinking he’s actually dead

You have room service breakfast in bed with mimosas and everything, him dialing back on the mimosas because he doesn’t want to spend his vacation buzzed every day

He refused to wear shorts, but he’s more than happy when you’re wearing them

City trips are only fun to him if you’re having fun because he can’t see but if you enjoy watching old architecture, he loves listening to you describe it to him (it’s his favorite thing in the world)

Imagine being a history or art buff, visiting historical sights and spurting all this information, or going to museums, describing the artworks and the historical context behind it

He’d love to hear you get all excited

He just loves your voice in general

If you’re more of the beach type of person, he’ll tag along, but he won’t take off his shoes and he won’t lie down in the sand

He also won’t go swimming

But he loves feeling your skin in a bikini

He wants to get ice cream all day every day (vanilla, please). It reminds him of his childhood

Okay, hear me out some more: That man forgets to add sunscreen, so you have to remind him 24/7 not to stay in the sun too long, wear hats and protect his skin

He still doesn’t

But he will riot if you forget

In the end, you’re both burnt to crisps and have to put aloe on each other to ease the pain

You laugh about it though

You go bar hopping one night, enjoying cocktails and good food and a walk on the beach (it doesn’t have to be alcoholic beverages, just something to fill your stomachs and then go on a stroll)

The sex after is even more amazing

You brought a set of lingerie for every single of the seven days you’re on vacation and he LOVES it

Even though he struggles with the sensory overload, he’s never been happier than being on vacation with you

Even though he tells you that next time, you’re going somewhere cold, a cabin in the woods maybe with snow around because the beach? Not one of his favorite things (but for you he’ll gladly do it again)

He totally wants you both to do a skin care routine every night

And massage each other, which eventually ends up with you sitting on his face and him eating you out like you’re his last meal

And he wakes you up like this too

Just going down on you until he’s pussydrunk, and only then can he enjoy the rest of the day

Vacation Matt really ups his sex game. He’s clingier and more desperate, but also more excited to touch and fuck you senseless.

He knows you have all the time in the world and he intends to use that to his advantage

Sleepless nights full of sex become the regular, still somehow getting enough sleep to do the usual tourist activities

If you’re in Spain, you don’t have to speak Spanish because he’ll translate everything for you

He struggles to ignore his Daredevil duties the first night, but as soon as he relaxes, he’s ready to enjoy your stay

His golden rule is though: as long as you’re happy, he certainly is too

[transmutationisms]

coke capitalism in 3x06 “what it takes”

in the evening, after the candidates’ dinner, logan calls the establishment candidate dave boyer, inviting him to meet and asking if he’ll “run [him] over a coke.” on a superficial level, this is a simple fuck-you: assigning a bitch-boy task to the man who needs logan’s support in order to become the next president. however, the choice of coke specifically is highly significant to the episode’s political commentary.

coca-cola’s brand image is deeply linked to the american empire (’cocacolonization’) and a rosy, propagandised image of capitalism in general. when logan asks boyer for a coke, we can read this as symbolic of the relationship he wants waystar and potus to have. the president should run errands for logan roy, specifically in a way that subordinates the political office and the state to waystar’s economic needs and the economy in general. 

this is an inversion of older forms of capitalism, like 18th-century court capitalism, wherein corporations were allowed to exist and granted economic privileges only insofar as they served the interests of the state / sovereign. waystar has some value to the american empire, insofar as it exports soft power globally and manufactures consent domestically. but the balance of the relationship between logan and potus clearly tilts in logan’s favour multiple times throughout the show, and demanding the coke is essentially logan telling boyer he expects this arrangement to continue, literally asking the president to bring him american capitalism for his own consumption.

meanwhile, roman meets with mencken in logan’s bathroom (the gold accents in the bathroom, in combination with the coca-cola, also evoke a certain trumpian quality in logan). while mencken denies being a “dancing monkey,” roman understands that atn’s goal is to peddle whatever sells—in this case, fascism, which is particularly well-suited to spectacle and therefore to tv. 

thus, when mencken brings logan a coke after all, he’s conveying two messages. one, that he’s willing to ‘play nice’ with logan. two, that his brand of fascist spectacle will actually do a better job than establishment republicanism of encoding american politics as flows of pure capital. analogously to the eminently consumable soda, this arrangement will melt down all political meaning and transform it into brute monetary value that waystar can use.

by kissing the coke, however, mencken makes it impossible for logan to actually drink it: it’s now been tainted, both by literal germs and by homoeroticism. this is where roman’s role is critical. unlike logan, roman is openly aroused by fascist masculinity, hence his literal flirting with fascism in the bathroom. roman is able to consume the coke, taking a political-economic waste product into his body and ‘consummating’ the deal logan has just made. roman’s body thus serves as both a waste receptacle and a symbolic representation of how american capitalism ‘gets into bed’ with fascism.

on a meta level, the choice of coke is also quite funny because we can presume that coca-cola paid for that product placement, or at least permitted it. despite the fact that the scene and the show have plenty of unflattering things to say about capitalism and fascism, the value of product placement on a popular tv show will always trump any critique being made within the show itself. capitalism is capable of absorbing any criticism of itself simply by selling it: in this case, ‘tv show’ is both an art form and a commodity, and no radical critique internal to the text is capable of altering the underlying economic relation.

[kirbylover34]

What to do now…

so uh based on how this election has been, it seems like orange racist grandpa will take office again. Now everyone is currently panicking, worrying, vice versa. Etc. but now is the time to contact your relatives, your friends, and plan what to do now that this is happening.

So we all know what’s going to go down, right? Trump will replace all federal workers with unqualified loyalists, separate immigrant families by mass deportation, he’ll move forward with defunding the federal offices and department of education. He will continue to slaughter Palestinian babies with Netanyahu. He’ll rollback on green environmental policies in favor of fossil fuels. Ban abortion nationwide. Instill RFK jr. as head of the medical department, (AKA the guy who doesn’t believe in vaccines) ban gays and trans people. Give tax cut to the oligarchs Send the FUCKING military after protestors. Pretty much fuck up our entire economy. Thats not even all that was promised. so many of you are asking now what to do? Do what the trump supporters were suggesting and MOVE. There’s nothing in law that states you are forced to live in the USA. Take this time to realize that there are better countries out there that don’t elect mental patients as president. Research and educate yourself on the best places you can move that will be safe for you and your family. If you don’t have the funds to move, try everything you can to obtain as much income as possible. try setting up donations like GOFUNDME or PATREON, or ask friends and family for funds? Or if you have middle class income like me start planning and start acting

NOW!!

Even if America is your home, it won’t be the same If you care about your LGBT friends or your PoC neighbors, now’s the time to start coordinating and getting out of the country as fast as possible. It’s clear that things will get even worse than 2016! If there was a house fire, you pack your shit and Move!!

STAY SAFE

[semifilms]

Hello, hello. I’m new here so I don’t know how many character I can request but may I request headcanons of vacations with Suna, oikawa and semi

☆VACATIONS W/ THEM | suna rintaro, toru oikawa, semi eita, atsumu miya

a/n - i actually love this prompt anon and i apologize for being very late to respond and do it 😭i hope you don’t mind that i added atsumu to this🫡 also i got a little carried away & i didn’t proofread 🙈

cw - light swearing

suna doesn’t remember almost anything when you guys are packing. it’s like all basic necessities he needs, he forgets. on the plane ride he is sleeping almost the whole time, he’s dreading the jetlag but he wants to be prepared for the long day you guys have planned. wherever you decide to vacation he’s excited to be there as long as you are. you’re happy, he’s happy. the only thing he’s really looking forward to might be sleeping in the hotel. the plane seats were not comfortable. you think he paid for first class? no. once he gets real good sleep in he’s actually so much more energetic and is ready to go do little tourist things. he takes servers pictures of you guys at landmarks and restaurants just to save to a little album on his phone <3

oikawa is basically vlogging the whole process of picking and the trip. he honestly isn’t that forgetful but he’ll forget like one thing and it’s probably really important. seems like the type to overpack and forget his passport. also definitely wants to be their 2 hours early. you guys would grub on airport food until the flight. and yes, you’re definitely flying first class i don’t think i could picture him settling in economy. he’s seen the movies and he’s experienced those crying toddlers and those unlucky seats in between sweaty strangers. he’s not up for that at all. he would definitely post pictures of you guys posing in front of landmarks to his socials. or the food you guys eat at restaurants. i feel like i’m his instagram close friends he’s rating the food like he’s keith lee. overall it’s a very enjoyable vacation.

SEMIIIIIII my love<<333. (my bad) anyway, he makes sure you don’t forget anything. he made a list and he checked it not once, not twice, but three times he had to make sure. you guys leave prepared and you get to the airport 20 minutes before departure. i’m sorry but he’s not trying to wait in the airport for 5 hours, like some people…. if there are any types of street performers music wise or whatever he will stop so you two can watch. (definitely leaving tips.) going to an art museum is on the itinerary. he just likes making little jokes about the art and interpreting it in a funny way and not making it deep. but he also really appreciates the art and especially street art (if any where you vacationed) he will make small talk with older natives to wherever you visit and listen to their stories. even if he’s not interested he acts like he is. he’s making the most out of the vacation that’s for sure.

now i’ve thought about atsumu on vacation several times this is why i had to include him. he’s forgetful when you’re packing, no doubt but in the end he remembers everything and you guys BARELY make it in time to the airport. you’d think with how often he’s flown he’d be better but no. this man is looking forward to fucking up some foreign food. he is using this vacation as an excuse for whatever diet he is on. fans spot him in the airport when you guys arrive and the amount of paparazzi is insane. nonetheless he is really just has his arm wrapped around you as you guys head out to the ride waiting for you. NICE ASS HOTEL! NICE ASS HOTEL! 100% got one of those rooms that looks like an apartment. did you guys watch singles inferno? like those. back to the food he is cleaning plates and trying every single dish recommend at the restraints. hell take some photos of landmarks but he’s rather just enjoy it with you in the moment.

©semifilms do not copy, repost or translate my works

reblogs appreciated!

[anthonycrowley]

i’m about 20% of the way through vance’s book (because as we know i love consuming terrible media for the team) and what’s concerning about it is that it’s very good - in a vacuum. like, if you know nothing about things like the american economy and appalachia and the fact that he’s conservative enough to be picked as donald trump’s running mate the book is pretty solid and doesn’t feel overtly politically charged. but he’ll say things that make you go hm off the cusp if you don’t know better and go jesus fucking christ if you do (‘all the welfare queens i knew were white’ ?????) and will ignore entire societal problems (i’m only 20% as i said but one of the issues with that area of the country that has been WIDELY documented is the prevalence of food deserts and how they came to be. if you look into the history of it you can’t deny that anywhere from part or all of it can be blamed on the fact that large stores like walmart came into areas, put small stores out of business, and then jacked up prices on fresh food. i’m pretty sure vance doesn’t discuss this because he’s a conservative and i’ve also read a couple of reviews that say he doesn’t shoot any shots at large companies). and like, idk. i think those things are fine if it’s just some guy writing about his personal life experiences and how he feels about things. not all of us are into the history and demographics of a place and would rather just discuss personal experiences. i get it even if i don’t agree with you politically. however. this book is no longer just by some random guy. it is a book by the likely future vice president unless the dems can get their shit together. and that. well. THAT is terrifying.