#he would also love the dsm5

[certainlyathrill]

rip john lennon you would have loved curly hair routines and tweeting like azealia banks

[mr-payjay]

flutters eyelashes :) do you have any personality disorder headcanons for clover? or maybe nickel? hope you're doing well!!

Mostly Nickel's Disorders

twitches. twitches. twitches. ok i skipped gleefully in the kitchen getting this ask because i am SO hyperfixated on nickel. here’s a nickel analysis if you wanna read that first but it doesnt go into his pds it just generally analyzes him:

for clover i dont have any disorders in mind BUT i have noticed she has a tendency to fawn or flee (ive always been pulled in by her fawning over nickel considering how much he’s hurt her). today i was watching some iii and i noted that shes a really strange but interesting character—ive paid attention to her before and ive done a bit of analysis (mostly talking about her odd reactions to nickel) but nothing recent. im planning to do some clover analysis after my nickel and balloon rewatch (im rewatching all of ii and taking notes on nickel and balloon respectively as i go along, ive done this with several characters before and i find it super fun). i would maybeee look her over for dependent personality disorder and borderline personality disorder, but Not to diagnose her with the full disorders themselves, more to analyze the dependent and borderline traits she seems to experience (tendencies). also would probably look into adhd or autism or both.

nickel stuff under the cut. it's long. tl;dr you can argue that nickel has hpd, aspd, and npd, but the most important to consider is hpd.

Histrionic Personality Disorder

nickel has hpd, credit to the lovely @t4twerewolves for bringing this up to me in the first place and introducing some of the symptoms he displays! i'll put down his hpd symptoms here and talk about each one.

1. is uncomfortable in situations where they are not the center of attention: yes, nickel is very attention-seeking! you gotta look at him like a school bully. he wants attention, he wants to be seen, he wants people to know who he is. the main point of hpd is that the hpder NEEDS attention. not just wants, but NEEDS. so even if they WANT positive attention, if they believe they can only get negative attention, they will stick with that (i talk about this more in my nickel analysis in the link above). nickel is seen constantly going for this negative attention, TRYING to provoke people, wanting them to get annoyed and Remember he exists and Give him the attention he’s starved for. which brings me to symptom 2.

2. interaction with others is often characterized by inappropriate sexually seductive or provocative behavior: yes. first of all, provocative in the context of the hpd dsm5 criteria means to provoke someone (as in: annoy people, start little arguments and fights, make jabs, etc.), not to be sexually provocative. in this case, nickel is EXTREMELY provocative. im sure you can think of times in the show where nickel purposely annoys people, but an example i particularly enjoy is in snapshot showdown, where nickel asks balloon why balloon doesnt believe in him. when balloon freaks out and tells nickel hes never believed in HIM (balloon) in the first place, nickel laughs and says he just wanted to see his reaction if he said that. the entire point of making that comment was to provoke balloon and get a big reaction out of him. again, look at nickel like a typical bully: he wants attention and reactions. i also recommend watching waffling about for more explicit examples of this behavior.

3. displays rapidly shifting and shallow expression of emotions: yes, nickel is shallow but plays up his reactions to ridiculous extents. a great example of his emotional display also rapidly shifting is in out of body experience, when he yells at clover and blames him for them all having died. he goes from angrily shouting at her with elaborate and theatrical wording about how “twisted fortune granted her wish” to immediately going deadpan and asking others their thoughts on the matter. actually, i’ll provide the clip to make it more obvious just how quick the change is:

he goes from dramatically calling her a privileged murderer to neutrally asking for opinions in an instant. i will say that nickel definitely has some intense feelings about clover (she really pushes him to think about his body and his feelings of inherent worthlessness as a nickel object, for one) but he still displays shallow and puffed up reactions around her and in other situations.

4. consistently uses physical appearance to draw attention to self: i would argue yes for this too, in fact, but it's often difficult to really go into this symptom since the characters are all objects (though its easier to prove with some characters, such as silver spoon). one thing ive noticed is that most ii hpders, such as lightbulb, paper, nickel, silver spoon, tend to wear things or care about their appearance more than other objects. lightbulb and her silly costumes, paper and his bowtie and santa hat, silver spoon and his skincare routine (and more explicit worries with his appearance)... and at the end of mazed and confused, nickel is wearing a somewhat extravagant outfit (for objects anyway) that he apparently bought with the money he got from scalping tickets. it’s eye-catching and unusual for any character to wear. i could go into his complicated feelings about his body as a nickel object (since it has to do with appearance) but it is technically irrelevant to the actual hpd symptom here and id like to research his self-image as a nickel more before talking about it in depth. either way, nickel cares about his appearance.

5. has a style of speech that is excessively impressionistic and lacking in detail: okay so this symptom means vague speech, speech that’s more about emotions and grandness rather than details or logic. hpders often base their opinions off of others (expanded upon in 7.) and an example of that for nickel is with his opinion of balloon. nickel vaguely expresses that balloon is awful, untrustworthy, just terrible in any way. he sticks to this extreme yet unfounded opinion and shuns balloon for ages even though he practically never dealt with balloon at all in s1 (since balloon's behavior there is the main grief the contestants have with him). nickel doesn’t have details to refer to; he’s just going along with what the majority says here. in s3, his opinion changes as he actually spends time with balloon. his speech is also generally confusing to understand. as ive been taking notes on nickel, ive had to stop for several minutes to deconstruct his lines and try to decipher what he’s saying. his manner of speech certainly isn’t precise or to the point. and another example of this symptom is him calling the new thinkers his “enemies at BEST” in best served cold, which is a very extreme (impressionistic) thing to say and clearly not what he actually thinks of them (which is just general dislike at first).

6. shows self-dramatization, theatricality, and exaggerated expression of emotion: yes, nickel is QUITE theatrical! i still need to rewatch s2 but ive found many examples in s3. one of my favourites is in tragedy at 60 feet, when tea kettle tries to lure him and balloon into allying with her with hors d’oeuvres, and nickel starts loudly gagging and coughing then yells that he's REPULSED!!! then balloon tells him to calm down. its so unnecessarily dramatic and intense. i love it. there’s another scene in the episode where nickel slips on a banana peel and starts screaming for the doctor to come see him until balloon tells him he's fine, where he calms down immediately. that one's a combination of multiple symptoms (as most are) in fact, with 1. (seeking attention), 3. (rapidly shifting and shallow expression of emotions), and 6. (dramatic and theatrical behavior).

7. is suggestible (easily influenced by others or circumstances): i talk about this a bit in symptom 5, but nickel goes along with everyone when shunning balloon (and enforces it), despite not really having been affected by him in s1. he’s more contrarian than he is agreeable, but he still feels awkward actually standing out on his own (such as in try not to laugh challenge, where he gets uncomfortable and agitated once everyone disapproves of him for insulting yinyang so harshly) and tends to go for little jabs or arguments that he’s sure he can win (such as yelling at clover, who never fights back) rather than actually standing up for something he believes in. again, remember that he’s like a school bully! he goes for the easy targets and avoids real conflict.

8. considers relationships to be more intimate than they actually are: so this is box. there’s some hints of this with balloon and suitcase but it’s more complicated when i could just talk about box. who is the perfect candidate to show this symptom of nickel’s. nickel is convinced box is a real living person. he talks to her about his decisions in the game, he asks for her opinion on things, he talks FOR her and assumes what she’s saying (nothing, in reality), and he even calls her his number one ally. all along, box is. a dead body. there is nothing there. even if box WAS alive but inanimate, this would still be an example of this symptom, because box tries to vote out nickel in s3 and lifering even mentions that box probably doesn’t want to be talked for. nickel thinks there is a close relationship of sorts here, when there is not.

here are some hpd subtypes (Theodore Millon, Personality Disorders in Modern Life, 2004):

hpd subtypes aren't super relevant anymore by the way, i just like categories. anyway, nickel has disingenuous hpd. which implies antisocial traits! interesting! so let’s take a look at aspd.

Antisocial Personality Disorder

1. failure to conform to social norms with respect to lawful behaviors, as indicated by repeatedly performing acts that are grounds for arrest: technically yes. he gets suitcase to steal from meeple in theft and battery, but it IS part of the challenge in the show, so… that one's only a so-so for me. nickel also scalps people online, which isn’t illegal, but it is pretty lame. he tends to repeat these sorts of almost-illegal actions without going too far into breaking the rules (like using the pic-nix tables even though he’s banned), so we can infer that he doesn’t particularly respect authority but he IS still afraid of consequences and doesn’t have much desire to do more illegal things. he also tries to kill clover which is pretty illegal but it’s played comedically so im not sure how to interpret that? i still consider it an indication of this symptom, of course. overall, id say 1. ends up being a yes, mostly because i keep thinking of examples that fit just enough. he's clearly got the mindset.

2. deceitfulness, as indicated by repeated lying, use of aliases, or conning others for personal profit and pleasure: yes, nickel lies several times in ii, sometimes very blatantly (eg in best served cold, mephone asks nickel if the pie is two half-mile high pies stacked on top of each other, and nickel deadpans “No.”). he lies in theft and battery about suitcase’s willingness to steal for them. he cons others online through scalping for personal profit, buying an expensive outfit with the money he gets from it. he tricks suitcase into thinking he’s giving balloon a chance in kick the bucket, when he’s truly just setting them both up to fail. he’s fine with deceiving others.

3. impulsivity or failure to plan ahead: yes, nickel is pretty impulsive with his reactions, making them more exaggerated than they need to be (eg trying to kill clover in snapshot showdown) and not always planning ahead, just in his general behavior… an amusing example is the challenge in snapshot showdown beginning and nickel immediately running at top speed face first into the camera cabinet.

4. irritability and aggressiveness, as indicated by repeated physical fights or assaults: yes and no. nickel is very irritable and verbally aggressive, but he doesn’t often physically hurt people (since the symptom says “repeated” im keeping this in mind), since he does try to kill and injure clover but as far as i remember that's his only direct physical assault on someone. he also automatically dislikes most people (eg in best served cold where he calls the new thinkers his “enemies at best”) and is easily annoyed by others.

5. reckless disregard for safety of self or others: yes. using theft and battery again as an example, he puts suitcase in danger when forcing her to steal from meeple. he also tries to kill clover (and ends up injuring himself when he tests the trap with his foot, which one could say is reckless). im probably forgetting other examples.

6. consistent irresponsibility, as indicated by repeated failure to sustain consistent work behavior or honor financial obligations: not as far as i can see it. he does disregard safety, but he doesn't fall behind on obligations or anything. does fine in challenges.

7. lack of remorse, as indicated by being indifferent to or rationalizing having hurt, mistreated, or stolen from another: id argue no. nickel feels guilty for making clover cry in title tbd (though it’s subtle: just a quick look after she runs away crying and a worried expression during the elimination when clover is being voted out) but he never actually apologizes to her. however, we know that apologizing is very hard for nickel, as we see in the scene in tragedy at 60 feet where he apologizes to tea kettle and balloon for his behavior in the episode (this doesn’t excuse him from not apologizing to clover for what he’s done to her, it just explains how nickel may feel remorse without ever doing anything about it). nickel shows remorse in the scene i just mentioned with tea kettle and balloon. he also shows remorse later on, apologizing to balloon in the great bluish bake off (even if i don’t care for the therapyspeak writing of this scene, nickel’s feelings here are still genuine). i can’t say if he feels remorse for what he did to suitcase or not, but with the evidence of other scenes here, i would say he probably secretly does.

so yes, nickel does technically qualify for aspd (at least 3 symptoms). but let’s just check a bit more. for funsies. the basis of aspd is mainly (as far as i know it) a need for autonomy and a lack of respect towards authority. he pretty much never respects authority (stealing from meeple, calling mephone insulting names, being very rude to tea kettle who we can infer is older than him, etc.). for need for autonomy, he does tend to avoid most people and is easily irritated by others, but he isn’t averse to having friends or depending on others like balloon or baseball. it’s pretty hard to gain his trust though, and he tends to stay loyal to the one person he chooses to respect. which can actually be a behavior some aspders have (respecting one or two people who feel Special and Deserving of it). in the end? i think it’s more fun to interpret nickel with aspd than not. if anyone wants to support or dispute this claim, feel free to talk about it in the comments or my askbox :) aspd is a personality disorder i know less about!

Narcissistic Personality Disorder

now, ive mentioned nickel having narcissistic tendencies before, but ive only ever looked him over for npd briefly and concluded he doesn’t have it. but its fun to recheck things. and since im already here, i’ll do an npd assessment of nickel too.

1. has a grandiose sense of self-importance (eg exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements): somewhat. nickel generally sees himself as inferior (which is normal for many npders), which i talk about more in my initial analysis at the top of this post in the context of his canon feelings of worthlessness. he tries to compensate for this in s2 in particular, turning himself into the leader of the armless alliance and forcing them to recognize him as superior. as far as i remember, he does not significantly exaggerate his achievements or talents.

2. is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love: yes. he becomes quite the tyrant in s2 to the armless alliance, relishing the little power he has and becoming quite agitated whenever he loses it (eg straight up threatening suitcase during the elimination in kick the bucket because he’s trying so hard to hold onto his power). he also enjoys being the director of the new thinkers in title tbd, and is charmed by them actually listening to him (until he remembers clover’s luck that was given to him). there’s also the “Oh, the things I’ll do for money…” line in stranded in paradise and the fact that he decks himself out in expensive clothes in mazed and confused, implying fantasies about riches as well.

3. believes that they are “special” and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions): somewhat. i would argue that though nickel only respects very certain people (and still only to a limited extent), it’s more in an aspd way than an npd way. baseball and balloon aren’t high-status in any way, but they’ve EARNED his respect (although limited), which is another thing entirely than the npd symptom of wanting to associate with “worthy” people.

4. requires excessive admiration: no. nickel dislikes most people and accepts being disliked; he just needs attention, negative or positive. he does ENJOY admiration (title tbd is a great example of this, as he talks about wanting to be genuinely valued by others) but he does not require it in the same way someone like, say, silver spoon does. i believe he’s like most people are about admiration.

5. has a sense of entitlement (unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with their expectations): yes. in s2, he’s used to being listened to by the armless alliance, and becomes angry when he’s defied (eg being annoyed by suitcase befriending balloon in kick the bucket and tricking her into having balloon fail the challenge). in s3, though he’s not as entitled as he was before, he still insists on doing things his way (such as when he goes off to take photos of clover in snapshot showdown) or is ready to argue about it (such as when he openly asks to hear objections to him becoming the director in title tbd and is surprised when everyone agrees to it).

6. is interpersonally exploitative (takes advantage of others to achieve their own ends): yes. you can most clearly see this with nickel and suitcase in s2. a concrete example could be forcing suitcase to steal in theft and battery (I KNOW, im using this example AGAIN, it’s just a really messed up thing to do okay. it's a good example for many symptoms).

7. lacks empathy, is unable to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others (yes i changed the writing of this one slightly): yes. nickel clearly does not empathize with suitcase, balloon, clover, or others. he forces suitcase to comply with his demands while looking down on her for her kindness to balloon and her meekness. he shuns and puts down balloon without considering his attempts to redeem himself for a long time. he tries to hurt clover and yells at her multiple times, only realizing some of her pain when she runs away crying after he Literally screams that she’s a murderer. nickel still feels guilt and remorse, but he struggles to understand others’ feelings nevertheless.

8. is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of them: yes. nickel envies clover in a weird way (i still need to analyze it more), calling her privileged and lucky despite not actually wanting the luck for himself in the end. he’s unsatisfied with himself as a nickel object, being quite literally a low-worth object and becoming visibly upset at seeing dime in fff nickel for your thoughts. he’s afraid of being below others and envies those who might feel better than him on a level he can’t work around, like clover being born endlessly lucky and dime having more worth than him as an object.

9. shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes: yes. nickel looks down on people and generally dislikes them. he insults and makes jabs at people and struggles to see them as separate entities with feelings (lack of empathy), placing himself in a superior mental ranking. it’s kind of odd with nickel because his sense of worthlessness REEKS throughout the series (like you can easily spot it), but really, that IS how npd often works, isn’t it? he feels inferior and therefore decides that At Least everyone is actually way dumber and worse than him. making him superior in the end.

that’s 7 out of 9 (im counting “somewhat” as 0.5 each), which is enough to qualify for npd (minimum 5). congratulations nickel!

well this took me a few very very fun hours. quite the mental workout though. thank you very much for asking! my conclusion is that nickel has hpd (8/8), aspd (4.5/7), and npd (7/9), hpd being the most important. and though i don’t exactly think clover has any personality disorders, i recommend looking into causes and behaviors associated with dpd and bpd, since some of her actions line up with some of those traits.

[strangestcase]

Questions about your view of Hyde in relationships (for research purposes and bc I want to put your version of Hyde in my mouth and chew him like gum /pos):

-How does jealously work for Hyde? Does he only feel it for certain people or in certain situations? What are situations that would make him jealous? To use current rp relationships as examples - how would he feel if Dorian started flirting with a waiter while they were on a date vs Dorian coming back covered in hickeys? Or someone flirting with Gabriel vs Gabriel being in a relationship with more than just Hyde?

-How does Hyde express love, since they seem to be unable to verbally articulate it a lot of the time? In more simple words, going by a commonly known system, what would be their love language? How do they prefer to receive love vs how do they show it?

-This is only half a relationship question but. If your Hyde sat down with a modern day psychologist and a DSM5, what diagnoses would it walk out with? How do these different things effect it’s relationships with other people?

Apologies for the several questions. Please let me know if this many questions bother you. I just want to put your Hyde in a salad spinner so very bad /pos

AAAA thank you! I love developing my little guy (horrible old man that kills)

-Hyde is a pretty jealous guy when it comes to the people he's latched on specifically. Usually they're very careless- he is disconnected from humanity in general and what any dumb human being does is NOT his business... but if it involves the very few people he tolerates, then yes, they are jealous, even possessive, with the last threads of his moral compass acting as a buffer at times to prevent him from getting downright creepy. If Dorian started flirting or making out with someone during a date he'd get more mad that he's not paying attention to it and "getting distracted".

nOW, if we're talking Gabriel, breathing in his direction would be a perfect recipe for disaster. And Hyde only lets him see other people because (through gritted teeth) thats what makes Gabriel happy. What, nobody said Hyde was a good person to date.

-They show love through physical attention and body language, like... walking over to someone, getting close, touching them, nuzzling them, the works. However, it's aware their touch puts people on edge, so ironically enough he avoids touching the people he loves the most, at least at first.

But, in general, I think their love language is, in terms of giving love, more like, quality time, you know? If he can't touch you at least it can sit by you in silence, reading a book, just... blessing you with his presence, I suppose. And this isnt just a Hyde think; Jekyll has always been like that. In terms of receiving I think he's the type to like gifts and little details like preparing a fancy date or expensive stuff, they LOVE to be pampered and made to feel special.

This means that, if Hyde REALLY loves you and does not only see you as a fucktoy OR a temporary fling, he will be simultaneously very touch starved AND very skittish. He's basically a cat. He wants to cuddle but he's afraid you will not like it, which is something that never applies to one night stands or week-long things.

-Eddie Hyde is undiagnosable <3 ok ok i was kidding. I think he'd be diagnosed with ADHD, autism, dissociative depersonalization, a nasty addiction to (gestures broadly) lots of things, and maybe also ASPD or at the very least w antisocial behaviors plus paranoia.

I think that if he was diagnosed as Jekyll the ASPD and the ADHD would have been less noticeable because Jekyll is MASKING SO MUCH it hurts, but conversely, they would have gotten the OCD label slapped on. I'm not entirely sure if Jekyll/Hyde has full on OCD but his brain is indeed intrusive thoughts central. Their thoughts are 80% HHHGMGHGM YOU DID A BAD YOU'RE GOING TO HELL FOREVERRRRRR.

If you want a honest answer: Jekyll doesn't like people very much, with few exceptions, and is INCREDIBLY arrogant and self-centered to the point he has ZERO qualms with being mean to their friends (all three of them) and his "social" persona is just an elaborate act that drains him a lot. So as Hyde he just... lets it all out and that's why he's LIKE THAT.

And? please? dont put Hyde in a salad spinner, he will get dizzy.

[cowboylikedean]

Loved your asshole prof post.

Story about me. In a 4th year psych seminar in undergrad I felt really uncomfortable around my prof. He made me nervous. He challenged me and the rest of the class, but it didn’t feel like in a good and healthy way.

His opinion was the only opinion. His opinion was fact. I would like to emphasize again that this was a psychology class. Considered a science course by the university’s standards. I couldn’t tell you one paper i read for research in that class. Our research was having the honour of being in his presence, apparently.

I remember him being really strict about never using ‘he or she’ in our papars. Singular ‘he’ was the only acceptable pronoun to be used in formal writing. Don’t even get him fucking started on ‘they.’

Oh, and also, this prof was Jordan Peterson.

So yeah. I agree that who the prof is makes a difference.

Thanks anon for sharing your experiences! Jordan Peterson is fucking crazy!!! that's insane that he was your professor!!!

I think, honestly, the field of psychology attracts assholes. I was a psych major when I started undergrad and switched to sociology because psychology is SOOOO backwards. When I took psych classes to finish my minor, I was astounded again by how backwards psych classes are. My social psychology class, for instance, taught us about the Harvard Implicit Bias tests and studies. However, the textbook fucking lied about the results and said that the results showed that people of all demographics favor their own demographics. This is simply untrue. I knew it was untrue because we studied this test in every sociology class I was in and I learned in each one of those classes (across multiple schools and professors) that Harvard's results had shown that even those in marginalized groups had implicit preferences for dominant and privileged social groups. When I emailed the teacher to call out this complete untruth with sources, I might add... he told me that the difference is that sociology and social psychology study related but different concepts. I told him that while, yes, that is true, it doesn't change the results published and reported by Harvard. He insisted that this was a non-issue.

This teacher has stated that she believes that despite the fact research has refuted this claim and there is no scientific evidence to support this, that weed causes schizophrenia. This is untrue. Straight up, a lie. That she admitted is refuted by science... And she still told us that this is how she treats her clients. She also bragged about beating her daughter at her 17th birthday because her daughter had a friend who had a joint and said that research supports her behavior.

This class is psychopathology, the last abnormal psych class I had was in 2014 shortly after the release of the DSM5 and this lady refused to use the term Gender Dysphoria, despite the fact that's the current and correct diagnosis, and also refused to use my pronouns stating that I was "a silly girl." I had to take it to the dept head and quote the DSM at her to get her to acknowledge that non-binary genders existed within the field. If the DSM states non-binary genders are real, as a psychology teacher specifically focusing ON diagnosis, have no business pretending that non-binary genders are fake!

The program I'm in is a rehabilitation counseling program, which is counseling for and about disability. However, the field exclusively focuses on career counseling for disabled populations. Counseling for and about disability is reduced to only employment. Everyone says it's about "all aspects of life, especially work" but we're not taught how to help people in other aspects of life, NOR ARE THERE JOBS!!! as a field, we reduce ourselves to little more than career consultants and case managers. I just did a paper/project on why this is reductive and all of the research from rehab counseling professionals about this says that the most research on why this is harmful comes from sociology. Because psychological fields have yet to recognize how harmful oppression of disabled individuals can be to psychosocial outcomes.

So I think a part of it is just simply psychological fields are regressive. The rest of the social sciences (minus economics) has surpassed them. Psychologists hide behind unscientific nonsense and refuse to follow actual science. The basis of psychological movements, for instance, were created by some random dudes... Just a man who says something like it's true.... And then people just like... treat it like it's true. It's like if philosophy pretended to be science. And then people treat those random dudes like they're scientifically established and in order to discredit them, you have to have SOOO much evidence. Super's psychosocial career development theory is a good example of this... Almost all career counseling developmental stages are based on Super's theories... but Super's theories are just Some Guy Said Something and they make sense to us because we can see them repeated, BUT THEY DON'T TAKE INTO ACCOUNT THE FACT THAT WE SEND KIDS TO SCHOOL AND THEN TELL THEM WHAT TO DO. Like it's such a glaring issue with his research... Can you say that kids have "met a developmental milestone" when they do something after they are assigned to do it in school? Or can you say that that's when we tell them to do the thing? And yet, discrediting his work would require SOOO much work and would also discredit the entire last 70 years of work in the career development field! So no one does it! Erikson is a similar example. Dude was just a man talking.

This is why Peterson didn't make y'all read research and just spouted his nonsense. Because this is how the field functions

[gentil-minou]

Adrien Agreste has Clinical Depression

I'm sure this is a "duh" statement for some folks but honestly up until this season I was on the fence about this headcanon, mostly because I wasn't sure if there were enough symptoms. However, when I actually started going through the episodes and looking for specific instances, I found there was more evidence than I would have expected.

I wanted to get this theory/analysis out before the new episodes because I have a feeling it might change or confirm it, and I love speculating! In addition, I have had clinical depression since I was just a couple years younger than Adrien, and I find it really comforting to be able to relate to a character I adore in this way. Clients with depression are also the ones I most enjoy working with, so it's fun to practice my skills this way!

So, here I'd like to talk about how Adrien has clinical Depression complete with symptoms I think we have evidence of within the show, as well as my theory that he has always had it and that he was using Chat Noir to help distract from it, though in season 4 see that there are some cracks that need to be addressed before he can truly heal.

Disclaimer: I am a therapist, but I am not your therapist. Please keep in mind the triggers, including depression and suicide and PLEASE be mindful of your own health. If you feel yourself getting overwhelmed,please take a break and utilize coping strategies as well as seek help and support. In addition, this is just my opinion and I'm not trying to make anyone believe anything.

To start, what is depression and how is different from just being depressed.

When we define clinical depression, which can be sub-categorized as MDD or PDD, we are talking about a person having low mood and little interest in life or enjoyment, often paired with feelings of hopelessness, guilt, and shame. It's different from being sad, because folks with depression might not even feel "sad" per-say. I've heard some folks describe it as numbness or not sad and just "I can't be happy." In addition, their mood affects their ability to function on a daily basis, making life significantly harder for some people whose depression lasts a long time.

It's also different from something like grief, which usually happens in waves as a response to an upsetting event, like death or loss. Adrien has lost his mother, yes, but he is not grieving as his symptoms don't appear to happen for a reason exactly (And I know that you're thinking it's his fighting with Ladybug that's causing it but if you are willing to read to the end I will argue his fight with Ladybug is in part caused by his depression). In depression, these symptoms can appear gradual and get worse over time but they don't always happen for a reason (though stress, which again I will get to, can play a factor in making symptoms worse)

Usually symptoms have to present for a certain period of time(at least 2 weeks in the DSM, and it has to be persistent), but as this is a cartoon and time is meaningless I feel like we can make some exceptions.

Common symptoms of clinical depression include (DSM5):

Depressed mood (defined as feeling sad, empty, hopeless, irritability especially in children and teens)

Marked diminished interest or pleasure in doing things (also known as anhedonia)

Weight loss/weight gain/appetite changes

Insomnia/hypersomnia

Fidgeting more than usual or moving slower than usual

Fatigue and low energy

Feelings of worthlessness or excessive or inappropriate guilt

Harder to concentrate or make decisions

Thoughts of suicide

The DSM requires someone has 5 of these symptoms, with the first two considered mandatory for the diagnosis, and that they cause problems in daily life to be considered depression (And yes I acknowledge the DSM is flawed as hell but it's what I and most others are familiar with). There's also a bunch of other stuff involved so before I go into more details if you are reading this and think "Oh, that's me..." first know that I have been there and it can be scary but you can heal, just please seek help from a professional. This is why we're here.

Again, since this is a cartoon where time is arbitrary, we can ignore the number requirement here I think.

So, which of these symptoms does Adrien have?

I wanted to go through the show and show off specific instances of each of these.

1. Depressed Mood

Hopelessness - We've seen a lot of this throughout the season. In particular, I think Wishmaker showed some of the most obvious examples with Adrien being worried about his future and feeling like he didn't have a path ahead of him. Some of his reactions in Glaciator 2.0 also could be taken as hopelessness as he feels as though his feelings for Ladybug are burdensome and will go nowhere.

Irritability - People love to point out Adrien destroying chiminies in Sentibubbler but honestly this is one of the most obvious examples of irritability he's shown in the season. There's also Hack-san with his anger at Ladybug replacing herself with someone else. These are outward examples of irritability that are rooted in feelings of sadness and fear. He is afraid of losing Ladybug and not being Chat Noir anymore, and he is angry in response. Think of all the times you've been so sad and upset by something that it made you angry. It does not necessarily justify anything he did, but it does offer us an explanation.

Sad :( - There are some other instances throughout the series itself, thought we largely see Adrien when he is surrounded by other people or doing something that can occupy his thoughts. However, in quiet moments like when he's eating, he often sits withdrawn. It's hard to label these emotions exactly when this happens because Adrien is also an optimist (which can happen at the same time as depression, believe me, I am one of those) so his outlook in early seasons were largely positive.

In season 4, we are seeing a lot more moments where Adrien is sad and we the audience get to see him like this. It's worth noting that significant stress can be one of the reasons why we have strong emotional responses like the one Adrien has. In addition to feeling as though Ladybug doesn't need him, he is also experiencing cracks in his friendships, most notably Kagami in Lies, Chloe in Queen Banana, and Nino in Rocketear. This, compounded with his rising realization that his father has been mistreating him and his fear that he is not needed as Chat Noir could definitely cause him enough stress for depressive symptoms to worsen.

2. Little Interest in doing things.

We see this montage in the beginning of Lies that shows Adrien going through a bunch of his works as a model and yes we know it's not his favorite, but we also see him not enjoying himself as Chat Noir. This is odd considering one might think Chat is a way for Adrien to escape the banality of normal life. So to see him so obviously disinterested in this sort of things was alarming.

And yes, it's also because he misses Ladybug, but I would say she serves more as a distraction to help keep his depressed thoughts occupied. This is also why some people, teens especially, might appear "perfectly fine" when they're around others, because those social interactions serve as a source of distraction and provide important support for someone with depression.

So, when that support is gone, we see Adrien's mood diminish significantly. He even says it himself, "The only time I can have fun is when I'm with you." This, to me, serves as enough evidence to say he has anhedonia.

3. Little Appetite

How many times have we seen him not eating, looking forlornly at his food. Yes this is mostly in response to his environment, but I genuinely think we've seen more shots of Adrien picking at his food than we have of him eating it. His diet is restricted, but we rarely see him eating when he's alone. With others, again he can be distracted, but on his own he's not.

Weight loss would also, unfortunately get unnoticed or even worse praised given his status as a model.

4. Insomnia (maybe)

This is a bit of a stretch, so that's why a Maybe. In Sandman, while Mari and what appears like the rest of the city are asleep, we see Adrien awake.

Now this could be a matter of Adrien being up late studying or limited budget preventing them from making him pajamas, but it could also be likely that Adrien has a hard time falling asleep and suffers from insomnia

5. Feeling worthless/Excessive guilt

There are a few examples throughout the series that are implied. I've talked before about how Desperada hinted at Adrien's current struggles and arc, and I think it provides a great example of Adrien feeling worthless when he is Adrien. Here we see him constantly failing again and again to the point of near insanity. This is because he wanted so desperately to prove to himself that he wasn't worthless, not realizing that it's not him as a superhero that he needs to address but him as a civilian. Part of the tragedy of the episode was that he wasn't able to see then that being Chat was never a problem for him; it was learning to accept himself that was the challenge.

In Glaciator 2 we also see a lot of excessive guilt from being the one to make Ladybug angry. Yes, Ladybug did snap at him and get mad, but he wasn't mad at her he was more angry with himself and feeling excessively guilty. In reality, the true person responsible were the media who portray them this way and post pictures without advertising. This is what is considered inappropriate and excessive guilt because Adrien was not entirely at fault for the incident and his response of wanting to destroy every billboard to fix it was an example of how he felt responsible despite it (even thought neither of them remembered the kiss)

I've already talked about it here but I theorize the conflict in Kuro Neko is due to Adrien's feelings of guilt of being unable to help and feeling worthless as a member of the team. But, we shall see tomorrow.

6. Harder to concentrate/Indecisiveness (another maybe)

You could maybe say that Wishmaker was him being overwhelmed with all his options and no idea what to do or what to pick, but that could also be attributed to feeling hopeless about his future. One of the most common answers I get when working with clients with depression is that they don't have a goal or dream for the future, so when I first saw this in the episode I had some alarm bell starting to ring.

7. Thoughts of suicide

A lot of attention when to this moment in Guilt Trip, where Adrien appears suicidal. I think this was him finding himself burdensome, like he only causes other people pain. It plays on his excessive feelings of guilt, and as I see in many clients that guilt often tricks them into believing their loved ones are better off without them.

One might also be able to argue that him giving up the ring in Kuro Neko is him reaching his limits and "giving up on life" since Chat Noir is a representation of his freedom essentially.

I'm not going to go into more detail here, but regardless to say if any of this is affecting you negatively please take a break and utilize coping strategies as well as seek help and support.

Here's the theory: Adrien has had Depression since Pre-Origins

I wanna be clear THIS IS MY OWN SPECULATION.

This might take some explaining. Depression can begin manifesting at any ages (current research is being done to see if it's even possible for onset to occur during preschool), but in my experience with teens especially a lot of signs start to happen early on in puberty, say 12-14.

When we see Adrien, he is actively running away in order to get out of his house. We don't see much of him actually, and there's little for me to analyze about him pre-origins because, well, there's nothing. One could argue that PV Felix and early reiterations of Adrien may have some depressive symptoms, but I am not familiar enough for that. If we ever get to see Adrien before he got his miraculous, there are a few things I'd watch out for. Does he look like he's going through the motions?

What makes me think it could be possible are his actions during the early part of the series. We see him enjoying all the new things he’s trying and gets to do, his birthday party and all of these new exciting things and I think it’s most important to note that folks with depression are not necessarily always experiencing a depressive episode. There are periods of good days in and amongst the bad days. Many things can contribute to fluctuations in mood.

For Adrien, it's likely that experiencing a new environment and meeting all these new people were, for the time at least, powerful enough to make his depression fade into the background for at least a little while. He goes gung-ho into everything, with a zealous for life. But once the honeymoon period has begin to wear off and new and old problems resurface, depression can return. But because Adrien has always used masking as a solution, it's the one he returns to here.

What's notable in Season 4, however, is that while we the audience can see Adrien beginning to break down and enter dark pits of despair, his friends and those around him do not. This I found interesting, because if he was always sunshine boy why is he so good at hiding his negative emotions.

My theory is that he is an expert in masking his emotions. Given that he suffered from significant neglect at least since his mom's disappearance, I think that when these depressive symptoms first began appearing his buried them deep within and did not want to share them, likely for fear of retaliation or disapproval from his father. Common comments I hear from parents and people who know the teen is "they're so different from who they were before. We want our happy kid back" however they don't realize that often times masking emotions is the first response we might see when depression begins to manifest.

Then, when he escapes to become Chat Noir, it solves as the ultimate form of Behavior Activation (the act of doing things to improve your mood). If being trapped in his room or playing the model son is a representation of his depression, then being Chat Noir offers an escape that sets him free. He also gets Plagg, the perfect source of constant companionship to distract him from potential dark thoughts. For the early part of season, Adrien had his depression managed pretty well even without realizing it.

But, as anyone who has ever had depression knows, it can come back.

Cracks started to appear as early as season 2 in Frozer I think and into season 3 with episodes like Desperada and finally in season 4 where his typical distractions and coping mechanisms aren't working. In Furious Fu he also finds out that he might one day lose Ladybug, and that means the careful safe place he's created for himself is under threat, and he's afraid of returning to the dark place he'd been in before becoming Chat Noir.

There's a larger issue here, and that is in part stress from the outside world and also cognitions about his sense of self and purpose. He also has become heavily reliant on masking how he feels, even to the point where he cannot share his true feelings with the people he loves most. In order for Adrien to truly heal from his depression, as opposed to the way he's been managing and distracting from it, is by targeting those specific cognitions and fears as well as learning to allow other people in to help share the burden (Interestingly enough, the same thing Mari needs to do).

This is why I wanted to get this theory out before Kuro Neko. I think that we will find more info about Adrien's feelings about himself. If he is Cat Walker, I also think he will be distraught at the realization that he gave up his only source of treatment. I think that is in part why he is willing to get his miraculous back because he knows he will be lost without it. But I also hope this helps him realize that more needs to change and that he can't just keep relying on being Chat Noir to make him feel.

This felt a lot darker than I intended (surprise surprise, this is depression) so I thought I would end on a note that I see a lot of success stories, and maybe share my own if that helps (If you don't care you don't have to read lol). I, like Adrien, worked really hard to mask my depression and emotions. I was also just always thrilled to have friends and people and things to do that sometimes it felt like "my depression was cured!" and as a result I ignored it and the negative thoughts and opinions I had about myself as well. Then, inevitably and just like Adrien, some stressor would occur and just like Adrien my depression came back with vengeance. I would even start relying so heavily on other people that I created relationships that were doing me more harm than good, and the ones that were good I was slowly ruining because I relied on them so much (Not saying this is Adrien now, but I could see why some of his actions may be linked to thoughts like mine).

I also had to hit rock bottom before I finally got help. And the first thing I did was share with people around me and get support from them. Being vulnerable and learning to let myself feel these emotions and not feel guilty about it was a huge step in my journey, and after that I was able to start advocating for what I needed to get better.

I think Adrien is at a similar crossroads now, and I have a feeling that once this rock bottom passes he will begin to heal stronger than ever, just like I and many others have as well. :)

[redphlox]

Hello Red, recently I've been reading about BPD (Borderline personality disorder) and would like to ask if you think this would be Dabi/Touya case...? It could be the many layers of trauma instead, but if you have any meta or thoughts about it I would appreciate your kind and wise words :')

Hi there! Thank you for the ask. I know my handle has the word "red" in it but please don't call me that - call me Julie! 💞

So, my short answer is no, not only because assigning real life psychological diagnoses to fictional characters feels unethical, but also because Dabi doesn't fit the diagnostic criteria. Personality disorders are complex and difficult to diagnose, which is why only licensed professionals can do so.

Anyway, for my long answer, I wrote a meta about Dabi's emotions here. I'll debunk BPD right now, though, because I've seen other discussions about this topic. According to my copy of the DSM5, mayoclinic, and the NHI, signs and symptoms of BPD may include:

"An intense fear of abandonment, even going to extreme measures to avoid real or imagined separation or rejection."

When Touya was younger he idolized Endeavor, yes, but Touya's opinion of him changed after Endeavor showed Touya he didn't care by neglecting and abandoning him emotionally. It wasn't imagined on Touya's part. It actually happened. Dabi's extreme measures currently stem from this trauma. He isn't the only one with trauma because of this either. Natsuo repeatedly brings up the fact that he felt abandoned.

"A pattern of unstable intense relationships, such as idealizing someone one moment and then suddenly believing the person doesn't care enough or is cruel."

Dabi consistantly holds people at a distance. It's not the healthiest but this pattern is not unstable, aka inconsistent. It's not like he's on good terms with someone, then suddenly on bad terms, then on good terms, etc. And in regards to believing the person doesn't care, I'll reiterate that this wasn't an unfounded thought on Touya's part. Endeavor did care about him on some level, but ultimately Endeavor put his needs above his family's and that didn't feel loving in his children's eyes.

"Rapid changes in self-identity and self-image that include shifting goals and values, and seeing yourself as bad or as if you don't exist at all."

Dabi's lack of identity stems from Endeavor's toxic living-vicariously-through-my-offspring mentality. Also, Dabi's values and goals haven't shifted since he was introduced. He's always wanted to take down hero society.

"Periods of stress-related paranoia and loss of contact with reality, lasting from a few minutes to a few hours."

We've never seen Dabi paranoid or out of touch with reality.

"Impulsive and risky behavior, such as gambling, reckless driving, unsafe sex, spending sprees, binge eating or drug abuse, or sabotaging success by suddenly quitting a good job or ending a positive relationship."

Dabi isn't impulsive. He's been shown to be thoughtful and patient, actually. Planning the reveal tape to air it at the perfect time and carrying around hair dye remover are examples of this. Dabi hasn't been shown to use drugs or act recklessly.

"Suicidal threats or behavior or self-injury, often in response to fear of separation or rejection."

Dabi is self-destructive right now in response to his trauma, yes. This is seen a lot in a lot of mental health issues or episodes.

"Wide mood swings lasting from a few hours to a few days, which can include intense happiness, irritability, shame or anxiety."

We've never seen Dabi have mood swings. He's either quiet, angry, sad, or whatever, but never all over the place in a brief amount of time.

"Ongoing feelings of emptiness."

We haven't gotten his inner thoughts but it could be argued he has feelings of emptiness due to his trauma, yes. This symptom isn't exclusive to BPD though.

"Inappropriate, intense anger, such as frequently losing your temper, being sarcastic or bitter, or having physical fights."

Touya/Dabi has never displayed inappropriate anger, lost his temper, or started fights without cause. He has every right to be angry and bitter at feeling neglected. It makes sense he would feel this way. He doesn't go out of his way to engage in physical fights either. During MVA he held back and only joined the fray when he saw the leader start fighting too.

So yeah, Dabi doesn't fit the criteria outlined in the DSM5 for BPD. I know some readers who struggle with various mental health or psychological issues may find comfort in headcanoning characters with specific diagnosis, and that's valid too, though. I'm just saying that I doubt Hori intended to portray Dabi with BPD.

[ablednt]

Hello I was wondering if you had any non ableist sources for learning about DID? I want to learn but a lot of what I find on Google feels very...dismissive and harmful

Sorry for answering so late but yes I have a few!

One good YouTube resource is the Alexandrite system, they have DID and make educational videos.

Also it's more a community than a resource but I've found #PluralTalk to be a good twitter community, it's mainly inclusive people and they're usually more than happy to answer singlet questions although of course each person can only speak for their own systems and will have some bias but that's ok.

In general my advice for telling if a resource is good or not is the way the information is framed.

For starters if it's making a lot of general claims like "Truama is the cause of DID" (which isn't incorrect, trauma is A very common cause, but if you read the DSM5 it mentions that trauma is correlated with DID but not guaranteed to be the cause every time.) or "systems identify as [X]" (ignores that systems aren't a monolith) then it's either a not well informed resource or is a case of one system thinking they can speak for all of us. (If a system says this is their own experience and isn't speaking for the whole community though it's good!)

Is it made by a singlet or a system? Often singlets even if well intentioned spread misinfo. For example Anthony Padilla made a video about DID that interviewed some DID systems (one of which was later exposed for a lot of gross shit but I don't want to get into that discourse here but that's one reason I don't recommend the video you can dm for more details if you want) but let their bias effect the quality of the video and in my opinion furthered our stigma far more than put a stop to it by only painting us in a mysterious and victimized light and in addition spread some misinformation (one system trying to speak for the whole community but getting some things wrong which then went unchecked and the like.) Basically. You want to find systems who will either speak about their own experiences and not for the whole community or to find a resource that talks about common DID experiences in a factual and general way so as to not make any untrue claims.

Does it focus on the structural theory of dissociation? (The idea that no one is singlet as a child but between the ages of 6 and 10 (if I remember correctly) fuse into one person and that if a child is traumatized in that time they won't fuse) This theory has been put under a lot of scrutiny as it was created by a singlet psychologist who later lost his licence for using this theory to psychologically and even physically abuse the patients he treated for DID. Now, it's not that no system fits into this theory but it's generally not seen as a constant for even DID systems and the theory in its original form is in support of eugenics towards systems because it deduces that we have to become singlet through therapy to become "whole" again. A lot of systems have medical trauma surrounding this theory so as a singlet I would avoid learning about it unless it's from a source that's properly critical about it.

Is the post actually a discourse post? If it's tagged with anything like "sys/course" (without the dash) or has language that seeks to invalidate or fakeclaim any kind of system or system member (stuff like "fictives are delusions, non-human alters are that way because of trauma and aren't actually non-human, pseudomemories are [always/inherently] a cover for trauma that happened to the body" etc.) Posts like these may try to say their informational or infographics but they're inherently biased. These posts are not (or shouldn't be) for singlet consumption because these are all intracommunity discussions, please disregard them if you're singlet. If you need to know something specific about a system experience for the sake of supporting a friend or loved on then it's best to ask them directly as no one system is the same and it's up to them to decide what their experiences are.

Oh also if you want to support plurals as a whole (more than just DID systems but DID systems are very much included and centered here) an official advocacy group is the plural association. It's also important to find mutual aid posts from systems and share them or donate if you have money. A lot of system support comes at ground level.

[grumpylittles]

Mental health epiphany?

Okay, so here’s the thing: Daddy, I know you read things that I post on my blog, but I don’t want to talk about this one right now, okay? I’m really overwhelmed, which is why I’m making this post, but I don’t want you to ask me about it right now. I may even just end up deleting this after I go on with my ramble and get everything out. It might be better if you don’t read this, (Not because it’s anything bad, but because I don’t want you to bug yourself thinking about my mental health) but I know you’ll worry either way. Anyone else is free to read because I’m really just rambling to myself, but I don’t know why you’d want to!

Anyway. Because I am who I am, and I tend to be a bit of a hypochondriac (ie, “I have several symptoms of this condition; do I have this condition? Must research this condition!), I’ve been recently looking into a new mental condition (new to me, not the world). (I’m also not going to name this condition here right now, so don’t keep reading in the hopes that you’ll see what it is. I’m saying this now so that it doesn’t feel click-baity.”) I can’t even remember how it started, and I know that I’d heard of it before because a blogger/YouTuber I’ve followed deals with it too. I think I may have stumbled upon the condition name again while in some mental health type tags, and I was kind of like, “That sounds like me...?” So, of course, what do I do? Click the tag and browse through some posts!

After a few more posts of, “Wow, this is really like me,” I thought to myself what every good hypochondriac thinks: “There’s probably an online test for this.” Now I know some of you are probably cringing, and, trust me, I am too, but what can I say? It’s part of the process, for me, anyway.

I take the test, relate to almost every single question, and got a pretty high “percentage,” when I was done.

It was around this point that I thought to myself, “Daddy just left for vacation, and I’m going to want to talk to him about it. Stop researching, stop looking at things, don’t do anything else with it.” Even though my “research” at this point only involved a few Tumblr posts and a self test, I figured I shouldn’t dive further into it with articles and more information that would overwhelm me. So, we file it away and wait.

In theory.

I’ve been tempted to look more into it, but I pushed it off. It’s tempted me several times. I even thought about bringing it up to my psychiatrist yesterday when I met with her, but I didn’t. Then, for some reason, I said to myself yesterday that if I wanted to look up more about it, I could do it today. What better a time than 5 in the morning when I get up to pee and tell myself that I won’t stay up on my phone after? Yes! Let’s look things up! Sooo, I do.

Let me tell you, I am so overwhelmed. Everything. Is starting. To make. Sense.

Everything. I mean, everything. From my memory problems, to the way I have difficulties doing tasks, to the way I need help with so much, even to the way I get little. Everything is making sense.

This condition is linked with several conditions that I do know I have and have gotten diagnoses for. I even saw it cross-tagged with one of my physical conditions. It’s linked with conditions that I’ve suspected that I have. It’s just drawing everything together. I’m even tracing it back into bits of my childhood, and it’s helping things make sense there too.

You’d think this is good, and maybe it is, except it’s now almost eight in the morning; I’m tired, dizzy, and overwhelmed; and Daddy is still on vacation. He’s supposed to be gone for several more days. I want to talk with him about it in person, but I don’t know if I’ll be able to do that. I want to keep looking things up, but, in addition to being tired, I know it will make me more overwhelmed.

I’m also really nervous and anxious because I’m worried that Daddy will think I’m crazy. I don’t want to sound like a crazy hypochondriac who thinks they have all these conditions and symptoms and worries about them. I really do have these symptoms. Daddy knows this because he sees them all the time. He knows psychology stuff, so maybe he’s even heard of this term. (He probably has.) I’m still anxious.

It’s also not in the DSM5, which is a book of mental, emotional, and psychological conditions that doctors use to diagnose people. I don’t know if this matters, but it’s adding to my, “crazy hypochondriac who doesn’t actually have this condition,” concern. There’s conflicting information because some places seem to say that there is a disorder attached to it (even if it’s not in the DSM5), while others say that it’s just a symptom of other conditions (some of which, I have). What does this mean? Do I need a diagnosis for it? Can I even get one?

These are all things that are in my head and making me anxious, adding to my physical symptoms. I could take a nap and look up more later, but that would probably still make me overwhelmed. Daddy isn’t here, so do I want to do that? Do I wait and not look up anything until he gets back? Do I look things up anyway? Do I tell him about it but not look things up? I don’t know what to do. *sigh*

I’m sorry for the long post. If you read it, you’re cool; thank you. Sorry it’s not really little content, but it’s sort of related? Daddy, if you read it, it’s okay. I love you. I just don’t want to talk about it right now.

[terrapinup]

Hey! I enjoy a lot of your stuff! And I was wondering if you could do one with how would the boys handle their s/o with Excoriation disorder aka dermatillomania. It's a real drag😕

I’m honestly really stoked that you love my work. Thank you for being a fan, boo! ;w But before I get started, I would just like to apologize for the wait, Anon. I promise I wasn’t avoiding your request, in fact, I was learning more about it. You see, before this request, I had literally never heard of dermatillomania. Therefore, I set out to educate myself by watching documentaries and reading articles. I’m a huge advocate of mental health, and thus, I felt it was my moral duty to approach the prompt with as much knowledge as I could. I really hope that this is something believable and accurate, and I hope you feel I’ve done you justice. Thank you for your request, you beautiful person, and know that you are not your disability. I have the upmost respect for you, and I hope to hear from you in the future =). Okay, I’m gonna stop rambling. Enjoy!

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For those who don’t know, here is the definition of dermatillomania:

Dermatillomania, also known as Compulsive Skin Picking (CSP), Pathological Skin Picking (PSP) and recently defined in the DSM5 as “Excoriation Disorder”, is a disorder characterised by the repeated urge to pick at one’s own skin to the extent it causes physical (tissue) damage which usually results in emotional distress.

Leo: Leonardo would plan a bunch of “hands-on” activities to help distract you from your urge to pick. A lot of times, he’ll ask you to help him cook a really elaborate meal together, or he’ll teach you how to clean his katana. On really bad days, the fearless leader would create a list of chores for you two to do around the lair. He doesn’t see your mental illness as a flaw, in fact, he understands that you didn’t choose to live this way. He secretly appreciates how your disorder has brought you two closer together.

Raph: Ol’ Raphie would whip out his trusty knitting needles and personally teach you how to knit. He keeps everything you two make in a box next to his bed. He makes sure to get very textured yarn, so that when you’re finished knitting, you have something rough to distract your mind from the urge to pick. Raph will often times look up tutorials for hats, mittens, socks, sweaters, and even pants so both of you can follow along and possibly create a recognizable article of clothing.

Donnie: Donnie Boy would exploit his technical genius to create gadgets that help to take your mind off of your anxious compulsions. Donatello is constantly inventing new things for you to fidget with: gel pads, fidget cubes, stress balls, putty, etc. The technical genius even makes them your favorite color, too! The purple-banded turtle always invites you into his lab to help him tweak with inventions or experiments. You’re definitely his favorite lab partner.

Mikey: Michelangelo would have a bunch of arts and crafts for the two of you. We’re talkin’ sand art, watercolor, sculpting, even painting each other’s nails! OH yEs, Mike loves painting your nails, and he loves whatever creative design you place on his. Just imagine, you two on recliners with cucumbers on your eyes, facemasks, and sipping through curly straws. You both have fluffy orange robes on, and somewhere in the room there’s a stereo blasting “Waterfalls” by TLC. If that isn’t paradise, then frankly, I don't know what paradise is.

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I hope y’all enjoyed it! Please feel free to leave requests for me!

[hollysdailyrambles]

OCD and Me

By Holly 7.17.2020

To the surprise of no one, I, a Gen Z/millennial blend, have depression, anxiety and OCD. These are things that impact me every single day of my life, though some days worse than others. My depression comes in waves, and mostly manifests in lethargy and hours and hours of depression naps. However, my OCD and anxiety are more dynamic, and keeps some spice in my life.

OCD is a misunderstood diagnosis. I don’t just color code my closet and say “Omg i’m so OCD!!”. Fuck, I WISH it were just that. I hate laundry. So much.

Obsessions are where most of my OCD comes out to shine. The DSM5, my favorite light read, defines Obsessions as Recurrent and persistent thoughts, urges, or impulses that are experienced, at some time during the disturbance, as intrusive and unwanted, and that in most individuals cause marked anxiety or distress and the individual attempts to ignore or suppress such thoughts, urges, or images, or to 

neutralize them with some other thought or action (i.e., by performing a compulsion).

Obsessions are a pain in the ass.  Intrusive thoughts to me are always about safety. Like OMG I've been out of the house for 20 minutes, I hope my dog is okay and hasn’t eaten her dog bed and died while I was out. about holy shit what if my fiance crashes his car while driving to wegmans??? He hasn’t told me he is safe and he should've told me he was there 1 minute ago! Sometimes I have to get up and do something else (Anything else) because the spiraling thoughts have moved into what I would wear at a funeral and how could I afford the house I live in with him.

One of my big obsessions is  about doors, and the fun part is it leads to some compulsions. Are they locked? Okay I tried it, but is it locked? Okay I know I’ve checked it 100 times, but I have to check it again just to be sure. When I was allowed to leave my house pre COVID, I would have a routine. Dog in crate, Lights off, check all the sinks to make sure they are off, then go around and do a second loop making sure everything is off, then phone/keys/wallet, and then lock the door and get in my car. Then get out of my car and check the door again, because what if I wasn’t paying attention the first time. On my particularly adventurous days, I would then drive down the street, make it to the rotary, and do a loop back home. Go inside, make sure the lights are off and sinks are shut off, then make sure the door is locked again.  Very fun adventures, 10/10. 

I bring my dog for a walk 3x a day with my fiance, and you bet doors are my favorite part of it! Back door locked? Yes ok. Wait! I have to double check! Then I have to pee. I ALWAYS have to pee before leaving the house, though I’m not sure if that’s OCD or just getting older. Then we can leave the house! But did you grab the keys? If I haven't watched my fiance grab his keys, I often have to have him show me he has keys before I step out of the house. He’s a saint for putting up with my bullshit. 

The end of my day is always relaxing. A cup of tea, a book, an adventure outside to let the dog out (Keys?), then finally I can go to bed. But wait - what about the doors?! I will walk from my front door and back door a hundred times until I am satisfied they are both locked. I don’t have a particular number, but it’s about what feels good. Oh that pull on the door wasn’t perfect, what if I am wrong and it wasn’t locked? It’s a great way to get steps in. You would think by now I know to check the doors, but the worst is when I’ve climbed into bed and then the thought hits me  - The doors! Even if I know the doors are locked on a deep level, I will have to get out and check. It’s exhausting and most nights, pretty cold to get out of bed. Sometimes I get stuck in a cycle, and I can’t seem to break my own obsessive thought and compulsion to check the door. I have to ask my fiance to step in (Occasionally waking him up, sorry!) and ask him to check just so i can get out of my head. It often physically feels like I’m tearing myself out of the situation. 

Doors aren't my only obsession/compulsion mix. I have a thing about hand washing, where at night I need to be sure the sink is not running. I will shut off the water and hold my hands under the faucet for 10 seconds until I am satisfied there is no leak in the faucet. This would be tolerable if I only made one bathroom trip before bed, but as I have the bladder of a squirrel there are a minimum of three bathroom trips a night. This leads to 3 very stressful trips to the bathroom making sure I have shut off the sink.

Of course, this makes sleeping so easy! May as well hype myself up before bed

Reading this, you’re probably like “Lady, you need meds.” And you’re probably right! I would love to have a medication that works for me that allows me to have an easier time to use the coping skills I know and love! However, medication and I are currently not good friends.

I have tried! I have tried so many medications. Some made me super depressed, some made me super dumb, and other have made me have weird physical symptoms that are not comfortable at all. In another fun turn of events, I also was allergic to several medications. I cannot always source the start of my obsession/compulsions, but i can definitely tell you when my obsessive intrusive thought and fear of being allergic to medication came into being! So treating my OCD with medication is currently very much against everything my OCD is telling me.

I don’t share my OCD story for sympathy. I don't want you to feel bad for me. Everyone has their things, and OCD is mine. I share my story, because I want people to see that it’s okay to have struggles. You can and will still be successful. Even with my quirks, I am engaged, own a home, have a dog, a masters degree and a full time fulfilling job. It is always possible to aim high, even if there are more bumps in the road then other people may have,

[30-days-of-autism-acceptance]

30 Days of Autism Acceptance  Day 15

Talk about identity.  How do you identify?  Autistic?  Asperger’s?  Person with Autism?  What’s your take on person/identity first language?

I identify as autistic, my official diagnosis is Autism Spectrum Disorder level 1/Asperger’s.  For some reason both diagnoses are mentioned on my paperwork.  And it’s even further confused by the fact that the doctor who evaluated me said if I had been diagnosed before the DSM5 I would most likely have been diagnosed with high functioning autism.  I’m still not really clear on the distinction between Asperger’s and high functioning autism though I believe the only real difference was that HFA presents with a speech delay while Asperger’s doesn’t.  I guess it’s kind of irrelevant now anyway since it’s all been combined.  So yeah, I just identify as autistic.  

I greatly prefer identity first language (IFL).  My autism is a part of me; it’s not an accessory to be added or removed at will.  Autism is a central part of my identity, it makes me who I am.  It’s my neurology.  Saying person with autism implies that the autism is somehow separate, that can be taken out, or that it’s temporary.  I don’t like the similarity in phrasing to things like ‘I have a cold’ or ‘I have cancer.’  Autism is a harmless difference in the brain, not a disease.  I am autistic, it is not a negative attribute, it’s a statement of fact.  Autistic is something I am not something I have.  

In my experience, the people who prefer person first are the people who view autism as something inherently negative.  They’re also the people who use phrases like ‘suffers from autism.’  The argument for person first language (PFL) is to stress our humanity and that first and foremost we are people.  But why do you need to remind yourself that we are people?  Do you forget?  Person first language isn’t used in reference to other things.  Women are not people with femaleness.  White people are not people with whiteness or people who are Caucasian.  Redheads are not called people with hair that is red.  So why do people refer to autism this way?  And it’s not the autistic people who prefer this phrasing; it’s the parents.  Because they want to think that somewhere hiding behind the autism is a typical child. That if they could take the autism out their child would be normal.  Using PFL is a way to separate the autism from the person so that it becomes a theoretical concept.  Which in turn opens the door to people saying things like ‘I love my son but I hate his autism.’  How exactly does that work?  Your son is autistic, the autism shapes his behavior and who he is, there is no typical child underneath the autism.