hollysdailyrambles

[hollysdailyrambles]

God Bless Zac Efron

In the current climate - with the political concerns, the pandemic, and the civil rights movement, I feel like shit. I feel useless, and unable to make a difference. I feel overwhelmed, helpless, tired, and like I’m drowning. I feel as if during this quarantine - I have to be productive. I feel like if I’m not reading, learning new skills, or bettering myself, I’m wasting time. I have read 32 books since march 13th, when I began working from home. I have planned a wedding (that’s a whole other story),  I have reorganized my house several times, I adopted my own dog and I have trained a foster puppy from being basically feral to being a house pet. It has been constantly go-go-go. I have been combatting depression, anxiety, and a chronic illness that is nameless at this time.

I have taken approximately 0 time for myself. Even when I take a bath, it has so many purposes - to get clean, to ease the pain in my body, and to work on a book. When I’m cooking or playing video games, I also have to listen to a podcast or an audiobook to feel like I’m using my time wisely. 

I don't normally watch TV, it’s not how I self care, but I was seeing a lot of videos of the new show Down to Earth with Zac Effron. Zac and his friend Darin go around the world, exploring the ways different countries are working on making the world more eco friendly. It showcases a brilliant mix of science and more naturalistic medicine. As someone who struggles with the challenge of medication for chronic pain, seeing naturalistic medicine be taken seriously was very comforting. I binged it pretty hard.

The most powerful episode for me was when Darin and Zac went to Sardina. It’s an episode on the  “Blue Zone”, where they have a high number of centenarians. They talked about why people live longer, and a common theme is low-protein, low stress lives. Zac comes to an enlightenment where he realizes how unhappy he is in living in Hollywood, and where he decides he wants to make a move to a lower stress life. And I just… felt that. 

I live a stressful life, and much of it is due to the nature of the world I live in. I work a fairly stressful job, helping adults with disabilities find jobs, and I often run into people having the worst day of their lives. I work with a population that is very diverse, and I am learning how ignorant I am of the struggles POC have, and working on understanding that I will never understand. I am attempting to plan a wedding during a pandemic that the federal government isn’t taking seriously. There are significant moves being made to remove the rights of LGBTQ+, immigrant, and other people. They are ALL stressful things, and there is not much I can do to stop being stressed about these things right now. It would be irresponsible to not be stressed about these things.

But what I can do, I can stop putting pressure on myself to always be going. I can remind myself it is okay to cook or play video games without a podcast, and it’s okay to enjoy fun things. It’s okay to just be relaxed. It is okay to take a nap, and enjoy the feeling of the sun on my face. It is okay to enjoy a cup of tea without reading the news. It is okay to take a bath and read a romance novel just for me, and just because I want to.

I also want to bless Zac Efron for the fact that he explored easy ways that individual people can be impactful of the environment. It helped alleviate the feeling of helplessness that is so crushing in today’s life. It reminded me that I was being impactful on the environment by not eating meat, and by growing my garden I am making a difference in the environment to the best of my ability. I can put my house on eco mode, and I can impact how much energy I am drawing. I am drastically reducing my plastic use, which is making a difference. I am using less gas, and reducing my carbon output. I am reducing my environmental impact which is something. 

It is my personal belief that our purpose in life is to be Happy. We are here to enjoy the beauty that is the world and the universe. We have to do our best to treat others kindly, and to treat the world kindly. During 2020, life has been so chaotic I lost sight of that. So here’s to renewing myself, and taking the time to be happy.

[hollysdailyrambles]

My response to this tweet:

 This was sent to me with “This is what I see.”

Okay, I see people saying "LOOK AT THIS EXCEPTION TO THE RULE, LOOK AT HOW ITS POSSIBLE" ignoring that these people have experience as an immigrant, being black, being Hispanic or whatever as not successful people. Ignoring the fact that these groups are put down intentionally by systems. I see "HEY BE HAPPY YOU MADE IT OUT OF OPPRESSION, NOW KEEP QUIET AND STOP TRYING TO MAKE THINGS BETTER FOR OTHERS". I see dismissal of peoples life experience.

What, so because Fredrick Douglass was an escaped slave he shouldn't have been an outspoken abolitionist ? He should've just stayed quiet since his life got better. Same oppression, different form

[hollysdailyrambles]

Calling out Loved ones on Racism

7.17.2020

It is not easy to call out a loved one on their racism and sexism, but this is no longer a time where we can be silent. A loved one posed this meme, which is very offensive and disgusting. I have conflicted with this loved one in the past, and have fought publicly on face book with this family member before. Although I can and will continue to call out this bullshit publicly, I felt this particular post required a more personal. Here is what I sent in a personal text.

"I'm not going to call you out on Facebook, but I would like you to know that this post is horrible.

It comes across as very racist and sexist as you are implying women of color would ruin the world.

I know you do not have racist or sexist views like this. Also because I know you, I know youre implying its democrats that would ruin the world. But the fact that this is an image of two of the only women and people of color in the democratic party come across as both racist, and sexist.

And although I am not a person of color, I am a woman. This post is a microaggression against women, one of many things today that will tell me that my worth as a woman is less than that of a man's and I am not as capable as men. I am happy to share some articles about microaggressions if you'd like to know more, but they're very real and very harmful."

The family member responded with something about how the left is destroying america. He also said that “Nothing to do with sex you are reading into what is not there.” and  “If that meme was the Governor of California or the mayor of new york it would be just as relevant.”

So in response, I said:

It has everything to do with sex and race. You may not think so, which is something you are fortunate to have the ability to think so due to being a man. However, it is not "reading into something thats not there." I'll explain why. Today, I woke up and looked at the news. I saw multiple articles about how women are just accusing men of sexual abuse to get back to then, and women are just looking to ruin men. I checked my Twitter, and saw some people posting DMs about how women should just go back to the kitchen and should stay out of politics. I picked up a book, one mom lent me. It is a Romance novel about how independent strong women are bad, and they need to rely on men to provide. I spoke with {Neighbor} yesterday, and she implied its [Fiance] that runs the house, where as I'm the one who takes care of almost everything. I take a look as most CEO boards. Most are men. I am consistently told that as a woman I am worth less. So why would this post, showcasing two women in power ruining the world be any different ? If it were the mayor of New York or Governor of California, it would be the same to you. To me, it would show me that men can also screw up the world. 

My life experience as a woman has been very different from yours. I am consistently told im worth less. Before (his son), how many times were you asked if you were going to have a son? How much pressure was put on (his brother) to keep trying to have a son when he and (his SIL) were trying? I remember these clearly. Consistently drilled into me that I am worth a fraction of being a man. This post hurts me, because although YOU see it as shaming the democrats, I see it as another instance of woman being put down for striving for power. Other people have that little notion in their mind that reinforces women are less.  

It motherfucking sucks to have your entire experience invalidated by someone who never will have lived life as a woman. I wish i was at the point with this family member where i could talk about the racist elements of this post without being accused of being brainwashed. I have to talk from personal experience to be able to avoid that come back. 

I have issues with the “You’re reading into something thats not there” comment, that is frequently said to dismiss racism and sexism accusations. It IS there. As a culture, we are groomed to be racist, sexist, homophobic, transphobic, antisemetic, islamaphobic and so much more. I could give countless examples of these things in daily media. As Americans we are groomed to view them as just normal, and understand although the subtext is there there’s enough plausible deniability that it can’t be called out. Once, maybe you can credibly deny it. When it happens over, and over, and over again, it is a pattern. An intentional one.

Oh, incase it wasn't clear - Black lives matter.

It’s also not enough to be not-racist. You must be anti racist.

[hollysdailyrambles]

OCD and Me

By Holly 7.17.2020

To the surprise of no one, I, a Gen Z/millennial blend, have depression, anxiety and OCD. These are things that impact me every single day of my life, though some days worse than others. My depression comes in waves, and mostly manifests in lethargy and hours and hours of depression naps. However, my OCD and anxiety are more dynamic, and keeps some spice in my life.

OCD is a misunderstood diagnosis. I don’t just color code my closet and say “Omg i’m so OCD!!”. Fuck, I WISH it were just that. I hate laundry. So much.

Obsessions are where most of my OCD comes out to shine. The DSM5, my favorite light read, defines Obsessions as Recurrent and persistent thoughts, urges, or impulses that are experienced, at some time during the disturbance, as intrusive and unwanted, and that in most individuals cause marked anxiety or distress and the individual attempts to ignore or suppress such thoughts, urges, or images, or to 

neutralize them with some other thought or action (i.e., by performing a compulsion).

Obsessions are a pain in the ass.  Intrusive thoughts to me are always about safety. Like OMG I've been out of the house for 20 minutes, I hope my dog is okay and hasn’t eaten her dog bed and died while I was out. about holy shit what if my fiance crashes his car while driving to wegmans??? He hasn’t told me he is safe and he should've told me he was there 1 minute ago! Sometimes I have to get up and do something else (Anything else) because the spiraling thoughts have moved into what I would wear at a funeral and how could I afford the house I live in with him.

One of my big obsessions is  about doors, and the fun part is it leads to some compulsions. Are they locked? Okay I tried it, but is it locked? Okay I know I’ve checked it 100 times, but I have to check it again just to be sure. When I was allowed to leave my house pre COVID, I would have a routine. Dog in crate, Lights off, check all the sinks to make sure they are off, then go around and do a second loop making sure everything is off, then phone/keys/wallet, and then lock the door and get in my car. Then get out of my car and check the door again, because what if I wasn’t paying attention the first time. On my particularly adventurous days, I would then drive down the street, make it to the rotary, and do a loop back home. Go inside, make sure the lights are off and sinks are shut off, then make sure the door is locked again.  Very fun adventures, 10/10. 

I bring my dog for a walk 3x a day with my fiance, and you bet doors are my favorite part of it! Back door locked? Yes ok. Wait! I have to double check! Then I have to pee. I ALWAYS have to pee before leaving the house, though I’m not sure if that’s OCD or just getting older. Then we can leave the house! But did you grab the keys? If I haven't watched my fiance grab his keys, I often have to have him show me he has keys before I step out of the house. He’s a saint for putting up with my bullshit. 

The end of my day is always relaxing. A cup of tea, a book, an adventure outside to let the dog out (Keys?), then finally I can go to bed. But wait - what about the doors?! I will walk from my front door and back door a hundred times until I am satisfied they are both locked. I don’t have a particular number, but it’s about what feels good. Oh that pull on the door wasn’t perfect, what if I am wrong and it wasn’t locked? It’s a great way to get steps in. You would think by now I know to check the doors, but the worst is when I’ve climbed into bed and then the thought hits me  - The doors! Even if I know the doors are locked on a deep level, I will have to get out and check. It’s exhausting and most nights, pretty cold to get out of bed. Sometimes I get stuck in a cycle, and I can’t seem to break my own obsessive thought and compulsion to check the door. I have to ask my fiance to step in (Occasionally waking him up, sorry!) and ask him to check just so i can get out of my head. It often physically feels like I’m tearing myself out of the situation. 

Doors aren't my only obsession/compulsion mix. I have a thing about hand washing, where at night I need to be sure the sink is not running. I will shut off the water and hold my hands under the faucet for 10 seconds until I am satisfied there is no leak in the faucet. This would be tolerable if I only made one bathroom trip before bed, but as I have the bladder of a squirrel there are a minimum of three bathroom trips a night. This leads to 3 very stressful trips to the bathroom making sure I have shut off the sink.

Of course, this makes sleeping so easy! May as well hype myself up before bed

Reading this, you’re probably like “Lady, you need meds.” And you’re probably right! I would love to have a medication that works for me that allows me to have an easier time to use the coping skills I know and love! However, medication and I are currently not good friends.

I have tried! I have tried so many medications. Some made me super depressed, some made me super dumb, and other have made me have weird physical symptoms that are not comfortable at all. In another fun turn of events, I also was allergic to several medications. I cannot always source the start of my obsession/compulsions, but i can definitely tell you when my obsessive intrusive thought and fear of being allergic to medication came into being! So treating my OCD with medication is currently very much against everything my OCD is telling me.

I don’t share my OCD story for sympathy. I don't want you to feel bad for me. Everyone has their things, and OCD is mine. I share my story, because I want people to see that it’s okay to have struggles. You can and will still be successful. Even with my quirks, I am engaged, own a home, have a dog, a masters degree and a full time fulfilling job. It is always possible to aim high, even if there are more bumps in the road then other people may have,

[hollysdailyrambles]

Why I don’t eat meat

By Holly, 7/16/2020

I was raised in a very carnivorous environment. My dad (an excellent cook), would always be on the grill. He was always trying new seasoning and marinades, keeping dinner exciting and frankly, very tasty. Pig roasts were common at family reunions, and bacon was a Saturday morning staple. A meal without meat wasn’t really a meal, is how I was raised. Now i eat tofu 3 times a week and have a “Vegan Air Fryer” cookbook.  So what happened?

I first attempted to go vegetarian in college - in 2013 and 2015. I actually tried twice, and failed both times. Mozzarella sticks, vodka, and tea will not keep even a college student alive, though I did my best to do it.  At the time, I had the idea in my head that eating animals was wrong, but it wasn’t something I was totally informed about and didn’t put in a lot of effort. I didn’t try to learn how to cook, and when I visited my parents they cooked meat, so I gave up after 30 days both times.

The final attempt to go vegetarian in 2019 was a success, and I remain a vegetarian a year and a half later. It’s not long, but I don’t have any plans to ever stop.  In 2019 I lived on my own, and my fiance and I were exploring learning how to cook new, exciting things to feed ourselves with.(Take away pizza, wine, and sushi WILL keep two early 20-somethings alive, but it is a very grease filled, artery stopping life). So with our cooking adventures,  I began to actually eat vegetables - which anyone who knows me could tell you this was a big change. I was regularly eating peppers, onions, eggplant, zucchini and other vegetables. I still draw the line at carrots. I hate carrots. I hate them cooked, I hate them raw, I hate them with dressing, or in a salad, I hate carrots Sam I am.

I had decided in 2019 to become as eco friendly as possible. Reusable bags, reusable straws, eco lights, public transportation - the whole deal.Then I began to look into the environmental impact of factory farming on the environment and the world in general. Animals are pumped full of antibiotics, leading to antibiotic resistance. Factory farming requires a large amount of water, leading to water shortages and droughts. The methane produced by animals is contributing to the destruction of the ozone layer. There is a ginormous impact that farming soybeans has on the environment and on the destruction of the Amazon Rain forest, and most of these crops go to feeding the animals. Cutting meat out of my life would be something I could do for the environment.

As a white woman, It is mandatory that I am obsessed with podcasts. I used a coupon code for one that I listened to for Blue Apron and we had been getting regular deliveries. However, I noticed we would get the vegetarian options because  of how picky I was with the meat I ate. I wouldn’t eat lamb, veal, turkey, any seafood, any cow tongue or sheep's brain, but was okay with beef, pork and chicken. I had always lived by these carnivor-rules, but had never really thought about why I had these rules. I began to wonder, what is the difference? Why be okay eating the adult cow, but not the young one? Why was I not okay eating sheep or lamb, but I had no problem eating pigl? I began to question why I did the certain things I did.

Of course, there’s always going vegetarian for the animals. I spoke to someone, also vegetarian, who told me they were vegetarian because they believe animals have souls. I suppose that is part of where my belief comes from. However, me becoming vegetarian for the animals had a weird start. I was on the internet late at night, just clicking on reddit links to see where it would take me. Somehow I ended up on a horror story subreddit, and there was a story about raising people to eat them. Something in me changed with that story. I promptly threw up my dinner, put my phone away, and resolved never to eat meat again.

When people ask why I don’t eat meat, they never want to hear these reasons. They are only asking because they want to argue. They want to tell me about how we have the teeth of carnivores, that the animals are only alive because we factory farm thus I should want to eat more meat so more animals are alive, that plants probably have feelings and I’m a monster for eating them,  and that soybeans are really the reason for the environment's destruction. People tell me I’m preachy, but dude, you asked. Also why are you so offended by my life choice? 

I am probably going to go vegan in the near future, or at least mostly-vegan. I already don’t drink or use real milk (Yay oat milk!) in my cooking, but I do still eat cheese, butter and yogurt. So I’m not actually doing anything to stop the forcible impregnation of female cows and then the forced separation from their young. I still eat eggs (I try for local, but I'm not firm), so I’m doing nothing to stop female hens from being caged up and baby male chicks from being sent still alive to the grinder since they’re not useful to produce eggs. I’m at the same point with this as I was in 2019 when I was questioning why I ate certain meat but not others. I think the reason I haven't made the full switch is I refuse to live a cheeseless life, but vegan cheese is more costly and I have student loans.

I don’t eat meat, period. Maybe reading this will change your mind about eating meat, maybe it won’t. What I do hope, is it causes you to examine your views and think, for just a second, about your current diet.

As a fun aside, once I went somewhere in 2017 with my Grad School Cohort, and my professor had to order food for me. He put me down for the vegan, gluten free option - and I was the only one of 10 people he did that for. So I guess it was always destined for this life.

[hollysdailyrambles]

Welcome

This is a place for me to share my thoughts, essays, and writings. I may get things wrong, I may get things right. I may share articles I’ve written for work, or to convince people of my opinion on a political topic. I’m not sure where this will take me