#he was supposed to heal and get better
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are you guys thinking about touya todoroki today because i am
#what if he just wanted to be good what if he burned up and out waiting for his parent to look at him and just LOVE HIM#what if all he ever wanted was that positive affirmation what if he just needed to be treated kindly and was instead#offered only cruelty what if he was a child who didn't need to be strong he just needed to be held#what if raising children to be soldiers regardless of good intention is still a fucked up thing to do#because they're CHILDREN they just want you to be nice to them they don't care about being the strongest#and why does being the strongest matter more than anything else? is that really worth doing all this damage?#is it really worth being so mean? you're supposed to love them why won't you show it#and it haunts him so much he literally BURNS HIMSELF ALIVE OVER IT and no one even comes to watch#and when the rejection finally FINALLY gets through his head and he's forced to accept that he's never gonna get that love#and acknowledgement that he needs so much he doesnt heal from it and choose to be the bigger person#he instead becomes something ugly and mean and messy and awful and he's a sum of all the acts made against him#because he's ANGRY and he doesn't care that he's angry he's shameless and embracing of that rage#because it covers up the hurt and if he has to hurt people in order to avoid his own pain then that's what he'll do#and to the very end he's shouting every bad thing that happened to him refusing to go down quietly about it#refusing to be a good little victim that shakes and cries in a corner and lets things sort themselves out because it NEVER DOES#NO ONE EVER SAVES HIM. NO ONE EVER PROTECTS HIM. WHY WON'T THEY PROTECT HIM#and not a single person acknowledges him. not a single person looks on him with pity#there's no one there to say 'that was shit and you deserved better'. no one. and what did he honestly do that was so bad as to deserve this#he was a child who wanted to be loved. to be good. that's all#touya todoroki#literally feels like his character was created to make me specifically want to blow my brains out el oh el <3
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Man thinking about old alters is kinda weird cause I'm sitting here like "oh I wonder what [x] would think of where I am now" and then I'm like. Oh wait, that's me. That's not some mystical spirit that was just in my life for 8 years of my childhood, that was a phase of mine that I had back in elementary/middle school, except I was having like 40 of them at once and they were all different, and now that we're fused together again, I remember every path of this life like it was the original, but at the same time I remember interactinf with... each other.. and..... now I just have like 40x the memories except I don't and.. uh... anyway what *would* [x] think of me now, well honestly i have NO idea because their life "ended" before I got a grasp of our sense of self... and that was the whole point of doing that..... and I keep forgetting that I was just... Like That for so long. Anyone get what I'm saying? (I need sleep)
#osdd#actually osdd#text#wall of text#for a bit of extra context#i'm not 'cured' or whatever#just all the alters I had back then fused back with me once I got my shit together and stopped trying to run from all my (mental) problems#throughout my childhood#i kept collecting progressively more and more alters until I decided a few years ago that I would try to#heal and discover my one true personal identity#and one by one#as I grew as a person#i began to shrink as a system#until eventually they all disappeared#even now occasionally I get one or two new ones#but mostly I'm just one single person#and I'm aware that this wouldn't work for everyone and I can't represent every system when I say all this#but I'm really proud of myself for coming this far#even though... I really miss a lot of them#they were my family...#but this is for the better I suppose...#now I'm making myself sad#I miss him particularly.... he was like a younger brother to me...#i wish he could have been around longer#damn it#i need to stop rambling now#I'm gonna cry#rest in peace#try as I might he's one of the few I can't remember his pov#well... I should go to sleep now. i'm out of tags anyway.
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#personal#it feels like im not allowed to complain about my own life on my own blog#or at least that if im allowed to that it seems very firstworld problem very selfish very not appropriate with all thats going on#that people will and do think less of me for expressing my own sadness and frustrations because theres no way it compares#to a lot of peoples very big and very real problems#but im so fucking sick of being poor and small. all ive had to eat today is 2min noodles roughly 10 hours ago#and all ill get tomorrow is a bowl of 2min noodles but ittl be another 15 or so hours until its the most reasonable to eat that#thats the real girlmath and then thats the last of my noodles. that leaves me with one (1) small tin of tuna#which might end up being tonights intermediary food if i really cant wait 15 nore hours for my next noodles but is supposed to be#the one meal of the day after tomorrow. so if i eat it too soon then i have even more time that i just dont fucking eat#im so sick to death of being in this position. like its literally killing me and theres fuck all i can do to make it better#ive tried. and i try and i try and i try but i can never afford anything#my landagent keeps sending me textx asking when theyll see a patment for my $50 water bill#i have to stop myself from texting back every time. youll see payment when im not spending literally 75% of my pay on rent alone#when i can afford to buy food and bills at the same time. whn i dont feel like kms-ing would be better than paying you my rent every frtnite#i crave a burger so bad i cant make myself do any tasks. i cant start or continue any crafts or chores because all im thinking about#is a burger like a blorbo rotating in my mind alongside the background noise that i wont get a burger and will only get noodles but not for#hours. a whole days worth of hours almost#my shitawful roomate is back and i have to play nice but he gives me the same feelings my abusive mother did. im scared to leave my room#in the safeplace house ive spent the last two years building for myself. this feels awful. things were all going so right and now#all of a sudden theyre all going as wrong as possible and im struggling so much. with no one to help. no one cares enough to help#the few people i do have are wrapped up in their own lives. which i get. but it doesnt take away the hurt of dealing with it all alone again#lot of momma trauma coming up with the end of eclipse season and i thought i was handling it. now i just feel fucking awful all the time#like ik healing isnt linear but the roomate triggers so hard things i thought i had processed and was on top of#would a burger fix that? no but itd atleast give me something to emotionally lean on for strength though it. but all ive got is noodles#24 hour apart one meal per day noodles. and tomorrow is my last pack. my only solace lately is that ive been invited to my first ever rave#or my first real rave anyway ive only been to one other 'edm event' that was not really a rave of any scale it was like 25 people#but its a halloween rave so im hoping for spooky fun dancetimes at least theres that. im out of data and spotifyprem so i havent been able#to take my silly little mental health walks bc theres zero chance im doing that without music and so itll be noce to get outside fr the rave#anyway. im doing very poorly i appreciate you few who reached out while i wasnt active but i expect ill continue to do poorly for some time
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More random head children musings (aside from the really sad one because that deserves better than a throwaway post):
Honestly I think it’s very fortunate that Dism’s team isn’t *entirely* comprised of lucid dreamers.
#just pav things#they’re teenagers that haven’t lived with using their powers their whole lives. they have no innate control over it#They’re FAR more likely to push themselves psychologically because of their emotional issues#And they don’t know when too far is. So they face their punishments for overtaxing themselves as a result ✨#And like. Dism wants to play hero and be the MOST useful so he overcompensates and takes on too much#Doesn’t delegate tasks/responsibility in battle to anyone else at all#And because he’s wielding that persona Inigo also overcompensates because he doesn’t want Dism to get injured#something something lingering thoughts of Archie y’know ✨#And the poor coordination that Dism and Inigo both have in Arcs 1-3.5 means Idyllia#who secretly feels she’s done a terrible job of protecting the people she cares about her whole life#then uses her healing powers to an unnecessarily high degree#because there is one borderline-suicidal not-even-dodge-tanking-as-supposed-to idiot and#trying-to-fulfill-a-misguided-social-agenda idiot 🌈#What are the ultimate results of this?#Well you have ~75% of the party who are barely holding onto this plane of existence#Dism who can barely walk or speak because he can’t *time* any movements of his body correctly#Idyllia who’s left generally shaky weak and extremely fatigued— her life and vitality disappearing into vapid traces#And Inigo who loses his senses and any bearing on reality at all. Even the most basic tasks unintuitive to him#The chances of a TPKO would be absolutely certain if not for Cynthia being able to nurse and protect them while they’re recovering 😭❤️#Honestly they are coasting by on a LOT of luck and it shows#If the end of Arc 2 was any indication…..#They do get better though <3#And that’s how they manage to pull off the successful rescue operations for Idyllia and Archie later :D We love some good teamwork :)#Now you may be thinking— how does this same concept pertain to Archie’s kids?#Theon exhibits the same symptoms as Inigo… or that’s what I would say#He’s so scared of repeating history’s mistakes that he only uses his intuition for guiding his aim and not anything like#scanning for weaknesses or seeing the future. ESPECIALLY THE LATTER#So Theon actually doesn’t tax himself much at all#Consequences for Ewan include a sheer rejection of rationality and logic and positivity#Too much light is blinding! Leaving him blind to everything but his baser impulses
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experiencing any level of joint pain for longer than a day or two has only reinforced my belief that ppl with chronic pain are actually the strongest motherfuckers on the goddamn planet
#marzi speaks#hi. my knees r still kinda fucked up. at some point a few days ago i hyperextended my elbows#so now those have been hurting#my traps r fucked bc i’ve been stressed and those are prone to holding tension in me#my knee pain made me walk wrong for a little bit so now i’m trying to fix that to alleviate the foot and ankle pain#oh yeah. my thumb is still tender for some reason despite the tendonitis having been healed as well#the only part of my body that hasn’t betrayed me as of yet is my spine and pelvis#i am so sick of moving and having it hurt#and like i can go about my day n shit. and have a good time#but it is always there and it is fucking annoyingggg#and ppl with chronic pain just live their whole lives like this.#and they don’t blow up and attack anyone who treats them shitty about it#and i am amazed#bc i talked to my dad abt maybe going to the doctor abt my knees to see what’s going on#bc i don’t remember injuring them at all and i don’t really feel too much improvement on a day to day#and he just gave me a stretch to do about it#now the stretch helps. but my knees still hurt. so like. what do u want from me#if i were to bring it up again he’d probably say it wasn’t a big deal. he’s seen me hobble around the house n how slow i’m moving rn#i normally run around my house. i have been walking at a pace that pisses me off bc i’m impatient#even just having like. worries that are probably exagerrated get dismissed like that has kinda made me wanna kill him a little bit#and this is something that i know is gonna heal and get better#ppl with chronic pain don’t Get That. and they are still dismissed constantly#how do you not like. murder everyone around you. the infinite patience. genuinely the strongest among us#i didn’t mean to complain in these tags as much as i did (my knees r actually doing pretty ok rn and my ankles are getting better)#but i suppose i am bitter
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dear god my last post is NOT getting the reception I thought it would butttt maybe that's on me I guess I didnt clarify a few things. and I messed up at the very end. oops. I'd be replying already if I didnt feel like I got run over by a truck for pulling an all nighter and then not napping🧍♂️
#nooooooo the point of my post was just to let crowley change his behavior due to the circumstances not to#demonize aziraphale and play Trauma Olympics and compare his experience to crowley's#they both went through a completely different kind of pain it's literally so not fucking fair to compare that#idk how to make it clear that they BOTH went through DIFFERENT traumatic experiences that has caused lasting psychological damage#to the point that it has completely warped and distorted how they view/treat themselves#let alone how they'll allow themselves to feel for each OTHER#trying to leave a cult that has damaged you to this extent is already difficult enough - but aziraphale found the#strength to do it#what DIDN'T he get that's so crucial afterward?#security#what's 4 years to 6 thousand?#he barely had a moment to breathe before heaven was intruding into his safe home he made for himself AGAIN#what was he supposed to just automatically heal? was he supposed to just not go through the withdrawl of#leaving the group that had convinced him that he was only safe and truly good with THEM?#i gotta retract my statement in the post to be fair - actually‚ we CAN blame heaven for the most part#they preyed on aziraphale's moment of vulnerability and he got sucked RIGHT back in. full relapse.#withdrawl from leaving a cult has been shown to be eerily similar to substance use withdrawl#''TELL ME YOU SAID NO... Aziraphale... We're better than that‚ YOU'RE better than THAT!''#literally the exact words you say to someone who has just succumbed to a relapse bro.#aziraphale is regressing. gah.#i'll add more to the post tomorrow probably#inb4 someone goes ''noooo you're excusing aziraphale treating crowley like shit!!''#dear god no i am not. i am EXPLAINING WHY he does it and why he has been conditioned to believe that that behavior is okay#i literally WANT crowley to be upset with him i made that so goddamn clear fkdkdjskfkskfk#alright night night i'll be back later#derpy speaks#not queued#might delete later
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I’ve been converted. Randy’s hot. @alyyaanna I think I should blame you for this (Jk Jk ilysm)
That’s all. As you were.
#wwe#randy orton#I cannot believe after four years of hating this man I am actually saying this#I suppose time really does heal all wounds#My enemies to lovers BS#this better not happen to anyone else I hate. Randy is funny so he gets a pass but I better not like anyone else I hate#smackdown#Clay screams into the void#Clay’s thoughts
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thinking about gar. still thinking about gar.
#i think about gar everyday but he's really in my head today.. like the old days#thinking about how he's the show's joke but the most tragic character at the same time#thinking about how he's the only titan to have their humanity ripped away from them to become something else#taken by the man who killed your parents to be treated horribly and like something to own for two years#leave the man who ruined your life in hopes would get better but then be locked in asylum like an animal#be poisoned then be healed just to be killed by your friends#and all your supposed friends neglect and abandon you multiple times#i could go on#but we all know and agree gar deserves much better than what he got#cods.text#gar logan
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everyone: disgusted and/or shocked
astarion: the happiest he's been in the last 200 years
#i wont him... im so sorry this is so hard for me 😭😭 how am i supposed to leave him in camp when he's so entertaining#excuse the piss poor clothing. i am broke in tactician mode due to buying healing potions and revivify scrolls all the time#did you know that withers does not revivify the main character when you go and talk to him as a companion????#my silly little bard died too much and i learned this the hard way#and yet i continue to have no tank/muscle in my party. because if i die i die#actually lae was here until very recently#i swapped her w the vampire bitch after we started to get along better#anyway boys night ����🗣 at some level#playing bg3
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Love the idea of Kae getting used to eating consistent meals bc of a significant other or even a friend who made it a point to always eat with him to ensure he doesn't forget, and even gaining a little weight as a result, even with his metabolism.
#☆ ┆ ( .ooc. );#//Him playfully protesting that he hates the couple extra pounds and 'blaming' his other for it#//Meanwhile first chance he gets; he's happily observing his figure; and relieved he's at a healthier one than he was before#//Smth smth abt the healing process and him no longer being so stressed/distracted to neglect to take care of himself in that aspect#//And many others; bc a s/o who goes through routines like that with him (like naps) DEFFO helps him keep on top of that shit#//Or even going through their own routines and him doing smth in parallel play sorta helping remind him of his own shit#//Deffo was sickly thin as a kid; then got better with Addie's care; then his eating routine went OUT the fucken window when Luc left#//Bc he couldn't stomach much with his stress and guilt eating away at him instead#//And then leaving her care it got WORSE; bc then he was too busy/stressed to worry abt himself save his own appearance#//ALL his spoons went to Investigations; Knight Duties; and Beauty routines#//Hence why Noelle bcame so dear to him; when she came into his life; she likely picked up how busy he was and helped him out Lots#//His newer routine of bugging Luc at the tavern actually helps him remember to eat#//Bc he /hates/ drinking on an empty stomach; but typically doesn't care. With Luc; however; going to see him; he gets an urge to front mor#//And snacking means he's less likely to make faces when the alcohol doesn't sit right with him/he drinks too much#//So Luc's less likely to deny him drinks. Charles; Kae can just charm more out of him regardless. Luc takes more convincing#//Drinking at Cats Tail helps too; bc Margaret makes SURE he's had smth before drinking. She understands him in that regard#//Typically makes him eat smth that ends making him sleepy like soup so he heads home & promptly passes tf out hitting the pillow#//He's not actually caught on to the fact that she does this on purpose in the entire time he's been a patron with her#//He keeps chalking it up to how relaxed the mood there is that lulls his body into some sense of security#//bc he DOES gets sleepier around ppl he trusts for that very reason; is why sometimes he pulls away from them#//If Addie manages to get her hands on him before he skeddadles out of the Winery; she'll have him tucked away and sleeping in no time#//And actually having the MOST restful sleep he's ever had in AGES; up until he startles himself awake and realizes Luc's home#//And has to book it TF out of the Winery bc he doesn't want to deal with the man & bicker so soon after waking#//He's already made vulnerable by Addie's care; he doesn't need Luc to carve him right open if their bickering goes too far. Not like this#//It'd be all too easy#//Is also why he likes staying awake and watching people he cares for sleep. Bc if HE sleeps & wakes w them; he shows a MASSIVELY vulnerabl#side to himself that he REALLY doesn't want people seeing; and for hella good reason. It's an open shot at his heart; after all#//Wow; SO many points where it veered jdfbgf. And this was supposed to be abt healing & self-care jdkjfg
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i wear a lot of skirts and pink and whatnot as my style has developed with me & my personality but when one of those age regression girlies latch onto me....i do not like that
#like oh....you think im one of them...bestie no im freshly 23 and im happy i made it this far i dont wanna go back#sometimes i hate being 5'2 with a small frame you have to be very careful and kinda vet everyone you interact with#idk there's a complex discussion to be had. i am someone who has went through what they fetishize and i know a lot of girls in that#community have too. so i worry a lot if if my behaviors and preferences accidentally align with that community in ways i don't realize#bc trauma will always reveal itself. idfk. when i was 20 i got in a relationship with a man who was 30 because i misheard him and thought#he was 24. i thought he was okay until we were at this giftshop and he wanted to get me something but as giftshops are super expensive#i mentioned i could fit in childrens clothes and it saves me a lot of money ($60 shoes are $30 for kids) and tbh fit my frame better#so he was “prove it” so i did and mf said “THATS HOT” ??????????? BITCH#my style wasn't even feminine in the slightest at the time 😑 it feels like a curse to have this kind of trauma then never outgrow this body#believe me ik how trauma changes your brain but how#as a woman#can you ever be apart of that community? why do you allow this to continue and not persecute these men for existing?#you're inherently enabling it and saying its okay this happened to you and its okay that other adults can hurt other kids#when my rapist got put in prison i screamed i yelled i sang i danced my friends set off FIREWORKS for me#when he got out i cried more than i ever have. i moved STATES (not the sole rzn but nonetheless) not that i was in the one he was in prison#in anyways but i was so fucking petrified he'd find me again. its embarrassing but i started sleeping with a chastity belt again.#i made more phone calls i ever have in my life to people who have and will get their hands dirty#i understand the self hatred those girls have. i understand the girls who sleep with everyone to take some of their power back.#i even understand the girls who want to get raped if they got assaulted but it never felt like enough for the pain they're experiencing#but please stay the fuck away from me. as someone who has tried to heal and wants every man like that erased from earth.#do not give them an ounce of attention. ostracize them like they're meant to be. leave it to god for their karma they will be dealt with#reckon with your pain and make sure it never happens to anyone else. only the harmed can make the greatest teachers#tbh bro i am disgusted with myself at all that those are the kinda vibes i put out.#what are you supposed to do as a woman when feminity is equalized with infantilism? i think its tone deaf and misguided whem girls are like#i dress this way to contradict societies views!!! babes its a whole cultural issue that requires reviewing and reforming#you are not doing anything revolutionary by wearing frilly skirts and saying im not like them bc they see you and ur automatically boxed in#i dress how i want and say what i want but i know as a individual im not the beacon of a groundbreaking movement#singularily flipping society on its head. dress how you want but be aware of the connotations. you're living in this society here and now#there's consequences that may not be in your favor and youll be assumed to have values that dont align with you and it may break your heart
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too many chimon characters are good characters stuck in bad shows
#gaiaxyposting#i am of the opinion that sweet boy wouldve been fine if they embraced how MISERABLE nack is instead of going time heals all#still not good but i wouldnt have downright disliked it#watching as nack gradually becomes more miserable and isolated until he tries to kill himself#but its okay! because he didnt (his friends found him)#and time heals all!#SIGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH#when you get down to it it is genuinely such a Bleak movie. and nothing much even changes for nack as he ages we're just supposed to believe#hes better. because time has passed and his wounds have healed (huh?)#(SCREAMS) I ALWAYS HAVE STRONGER FEELINGS ABOUT THE ONES I DISLIKE HUH
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ME WHEN I PEAKEEDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!
v bad picture but THE ART IS NOT EVEN THE FULL POINT....I LOVE IT BUT THE STORY IN THE TAGS IS MY HEART!!
ngl the drawings are so good tho. im so much better at ghoul design than bethany
#THE GHOULS........#dont look at karol he does not matter here. hes a young nationalist#the old officer here is 💀💀💀IM DECEASED. WHYS HE BAD THO#AHHHH I REMEMBER MAKING A FALLOUT WARSAW AU AND MAKING IT A LOT ABOUT GROWING FROM PAST TRAUMA#VS BEING STUCK LITERALLY UNDERGROUND STILL BEING AFRAID OF THE WAR AND FIGHTING#i need to tell you ALL ABOUT IT WHEN I HAVE SOME MORE FIGURED OUT#but the basis was the fight between two main factions of the mermaids and the eagles#the mermaids lived in warsaw over the ground and they focused on healing themselves and the land etc#and the quest to get the player into the faction was finding the warsaw mermaid statue which was supposed to be a big morale booster#and like their main symbol and whatnot. to help with motivation. and the mermaid companion was supposed to be the old ghoul nowak i think#(the one at the top of the page here. next to him is a little mermaid symbol ❤️)#and the eagles were a militaristic faction made of mostly old ghouls who lived underground in the literal warsaw uprising sewers#and they all had like. trauma from the war. because this is a bad universe and the german occupation didnt end in 1945 but continued to 2077#but like theres 50s aesthetics in fallout anyways so thats where i took the warsaw uprising from#anyways they all still live like its the war and its horrible but ingame theyd make some p good points about something#so thered be actual conflict and not 'good faction vs misguided/bad faction' but theyre kinda xenophobic whatever#and theyd have a quest of like. going through sewers without a map so you dont trigger any gas traps#and their companion was either karol (a foil to nowak [old ghoul supporting a new movement] - a young human supporting an aged movement)#or the old officer whose companion quest would be getting him to trust you and then leading him out to the surface#(like. him trusting you not to surrender him to the enemy) and the scene pictured is him seeing the saxon garden flowers for the first time#since he descended into the sewers as a young man to fight nazis. and I STILL LOVE THE DRAWING BABY!!!!!#and he was meant to be like. a character who inspires growth and healing from old and horrific trauma#and learning that the world doesnt always have to be as evil as it was before. and all that shit#ALSO the thing on his hat on the left is NOT a cross its a tiny little eagle pin#also the eagles faction was supposed to be much much harder to get into but reward it with better loot#or more interesting quests. because they are incredibly distrustful in case youre an enemy. and the mermaids are open and accepting#and kinda basic. but they are really vulnerable to any kind of attack because its full of inexperienced youngsters#so thered be a mermaids ending. an eagles ending. and a good unified polish factions ending where the eagles provide military support#and their experience and insight. while the mermaids provide food and healing and sunshine and their new perspectives etc#also old nowak and the old officer were meant to have some weird old man gay tension🤨🤨🤨❤️
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me: hey so one of the three cats has diarrhea but I need to figure out who. can you keep an eye on your cat, because he only really comes down here to use the litter box so I can't watch how he's acting like I can the others
my mother: wh.......huh........... .? "keep an eye on him"...........i mean............ill try.......how am i expected to do that......................do i just "look" at him.....?. "pay attention to him..?"......i don't think i can do that.......... .you're being so fucking dramatic actually. this fork becoming dirty after i ate using it is your fault too
#joey i am so sorry i have to leave you with this woman#sorry ignore this lmfao i just don't understand why she acts like keeping an eye on how HERR cat behaves is so hard for her#she works less hours than i do and makes like 5x as much (literally)#''how am i supposed to know where he is'' you Look#''okay well how do i know if he's acting weird'' HES YOUR CAT. YOU LOOK AT HIM#im watching him too ofc because apparently im the only one that gives a shit about the cats in this household#but he doesn't like one of my cats so he doesn't come down here very often#is it like unreasonable of me to ask her this. like am i fucking missing something#the way she like sighed deeply after i asked and was like ''i mean.....ok....but i don't see him anymore than you do''#HE SLEEPS OJ YOUR BED#LOOK AT HIM#he walks around and plays with dogs and you pet him all the time just FUCKING LOOJ AT HIM#''and then what? youll take him to the vet?''YES????????????#yes i will take YOUR cat to the vet because you won't fucking do it#when my cat was peeing blood she wanted me to wait a week to ''see if it would clear out''#and when he couldn't use his leg she kept telling me it was just a sprain when in fact he has TORN HIS CCL#the vet told me the only other time she had ever seen a cat with a torn ccl was when a stray had been KICKED BY A DEER#yeah a sprain. uh huh. he slept for 48 hrs straight and it must've been a sprain#hes all better now thank god but im constantly kicking myself that i let her convince me into waiting a full week for his ''sprain'' to heal#just watch joey. just look at him. just literally pay any fucking attention to YOUR cat#if joey didn't hate my other cats so much i would 100% bring him with me too#but he's very much an only cat kind of cat so he WILL be happier when i leave#i just hope she gets her shit together and starts caring for him the way she's supposed to#maybe itll spark empty nest syndrome and she'll obsess over it or something#literally ANYTHING#vent
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i just saw ur in the hospital i hope ur okay and im wishing u speedy recovery :(
Aw thanks, that's so sweet x
As fun as watching my blood get drawn 7x a day is (genuinely enjoy that part of being hospitalized. I have very pretty blood) I would also like to be back home and causing my usual mischief :)
#kind ask#h 0 n 3 y d 3 w#i was healing so quickly they thought i might be able to be released today (multiple days early) btw...#then i got worse again 🙃#but!! I am determined to get better and according to my favorite nurse 'stubbornness helps' lol <3#apparently i have a thing for tall nerds who practice martial arts...#he caught me practicing (even though I wasn't supposed to be exerting myself oops)#and he was really excited to ask me a bunch of questions and infodump lol#he was just there to give me injections and we ended up talking for at least half an hour#i have no idea why I'm talking this much in the tags. i am very out of it. probably all the injections or something /hj
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GOD!!!!! 😭😭💓💗💖💓💓💞💞💕💟💝💘💝💝💞💗💘💝💟💓💗💞💕💟💝💘💓💖💓💕💕
#I LOVE HIM SO MUCH HE MAKES ME SO SO SO HAPPY 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺#love notes#💕♬♪ ♡ I fall more in love with you every day (Blue) Valentine - ̗̀💙💌🍦 ̖́-#love that every Ryan character has just become another bf to make me feel safe and loved#I have come so far from where I was one year ago#i love that i can self ship with this guy and im like YES he loves me he protects me he would never hurt me#its hard to feel that way 24/7 but i feel that way at least half of the time now#and thats all that matters is that im getting better even if its fluctuating and messy. i AM getting better#because i know one year ago today i would not have been able to self ship with any characters whatsoever#Dean isn't even a villain or a serial killer or whatever he's just some dude. just some guy in a jacket.#but back then i just could not for the life of me feel safe with anyone bc the abuse was so fresh#and just. thank god i am at a point where i can ship with some characters now. even when it's so goddamn HARD#its at least HAPPENING. y'know. like. i am healing even if it's so fucking SLOW going#the fact that i can look at this 5 second scene and feel a burst of love in my heart#and think to myself 'yeah yeah he loves me so much he'd hold me through my nightmares too'#that's. huge. compared to a year ago where i just. could not.#it hasn't even been a year since i cut my abuser from my life yet and im already making little progress#even if it's. so. minuscule. there is progress happening just bc of the passing of time#and the fact that Barbie came into my life exactly when it was supposed to and Ryan's been in all these movies i can focus on#it all worked out like the stars were aligned perfectly for me to meet these F/Os and for them to heal me#i don't think that's coincidence or accident or anything. i think that's some... universal or spiritual thing#like something out there is looking out for me even if it's just the galaxy itself#these characters were meant for me and i was planned to meet them and for them to heal me#slowly one day at a time. ANYWAY. WAHHH. HUGGING AND KISSING DEAN PEREIRA MY SILLY BOYFRIEND#love notes: dean ♡
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