#he was confirmed queer but at what cost

[gayalienwilde]

That's me!

This scene is essentially the core of the movie. I think it perfectly depicts the excitement as a teen of beginning to understand who you are, seeing the part of you that always made you feel different being celebrated by a rockstar on tv (especially since in the uk homosexuality was decriminalised in 1967, so probably sometime during Arthur's early teens) is something very important.

This interview confirms that the scene is in fact imagined by Arthur, and also adds the other important part of this scene, yes there is the excitement of finding representation but also the shame that comes with being yourself when you're different. Arthur's parents are not amused by Brian's boldness, of course Arthur wishes to be open with them, share the joy of being himself, but he knows he can't.

One of the first things you learn when you're different is to hide, it's a survival strategy sure, but one with a great cost, hiding yourself requires energy, lying, and makes you lonely, you can't let others know the real you because of shame and the fear of the consequences, you have to be a stranger to your own family and yourself, which is why there is no greater joy as a lonely teen than being able to find people you can freely be yourself around.

We see this with Arthur yearning to connect with the other glam kids, but he can't quite bring himself to, it takes a lot of courage and strength to be yourself, and it can be scary. The one thing that saves Arthur a bit from this loneliness is music, in his room between the posters on the walls and records on the floor he's made a space for himself to be free, and thanks to the glam movement he can enjoy some aspects of queerness even behind that locked door. Still, it cannot replace community, ultimately that is what Arthur's in need of, a connection with other queer people, other fans, or at least people interested in him as a person, something he doesn't get from his family since his brother makes fun of his interests and shames him, as does his father, his mother seems to be the only person that somewhat cares for him but still not enough, and ultimately Arthur leaving for London is what helps him find friends and community. Until we see adult Arthur in the 80s, once again lonely and in hiding, but ironically enough it's still Brian on a screen that makes it so he can find his way back to Curt.

Otherness makes you lonely, being able to recognize yourself through other people is the solution. Velvet Goldmine is a movie about connecting with people, be it through shared human experiences, queerness, love, being fans of the same musicians or 27 years old movie, whatever it may be, it's important to remember that there are people out there like you, that know how you feel and you must seek them out to be happy, there is no shame in being yourself.

[delicateperspective]

Hi

I’ve noticed there’s a lot of debate about Harry’s career, and I wanted to ask what you think about it. Like, do you think he’s actually fully free when it comes to his career?

It seems like he’s gained a lot of creative freedom, and he’s pretty close to the CEO of Sony Music.

I get that at his level, there’s usually more control over artists, but it kind of looks like he’s managed to carve out some real freedom.

hey! oh my gosh anon, thank you for asking this in such a kind and respectful way. seriously. i’ve had this question come in before, but often phrased in ways that are really dismissive or degrading toward harry, and i try to avoid engaging with anything that tears them down for my own peace of mind. so i really appreciate the tone you brought to this ♥

there are definitely some great takes floating around from other blogs, but i’m happy to throw in my two cents too!

so — do i think harry is completely free in his career now?

short answer: no, not completely. but i do think he’s carved out a lot more freedom than he had in the past, especially creatively.

longer answer below if you're up for a read 👇

📄contract stuff 📄

when harry was 16, he was handed the same standard x-factor contract as the other contestants — and likely wasn’t allowed to seek outside opinion before signing. those contracts would’ve included clauses about not revealing anything that happened behind the scenes, letting the show dictate how their image and likeness are used, and (this one’s actually been confirmed by other contestants) never disparaging simon cowell. several former contestants have said they’re still under those NDAs — so at least parts of that original contract are probably still in effect.

and that’s just the beginning.

after x factor, 1d signed a recording contract with syco/sony (december 2010) for five albums and a set number of years. they fulfilled the album count, yes — but we don’t know what other clauses were baked into that deal. i’ve seen theories (and i tend to agree) that if three or more members are seen collaborating or photographed together, it can still trigger the 1D brand — which could reactivate image management clauses. and from what we know, syco/sony may still own their masters, unless that changed when the business entity was sold to universal in 2020 (though that didn’t seem to include the catalog).

they also renewed that contract in 2013, which again — no one outside their teams has seen the terms or end date. and then there's the US contract with columbia/sony (signed in 2011), which would’ve come with its own image rights clauses and restrictions.

now — harry himself has said that the first contract he saw without a “cleanliness clause” (sometimes called a morality clause) was his first solo deal with columbia. that tells us that every previous contract — from x factor to 1d — likely included one. and those clauses are serious. they’re basically designed to let the label (or management) protect their investment by controlling anything that might be seen as “damaging” to the artist’s public image or marketability.

if the artist breaks a clause — even unintentionally — the consequences can be massive: they can lose their deal, be forced to pay back everything that’s been invested in them (studio time, promo, tour costs), and in some cases even be sued for future losses — meaning the label can estimate what they would have made off you and demand that too.

so when people ask “why would they closet him?” — the answer is: because under a cleanliness clause, being openly gay could absolutely be labeled as ‘unsavory’ or ‘damaging’, especially in an industry built on selling a fantasy to teenage girls. back then, harry’s entire commercial value (to them) was tied to how desirable he was to a young, straight female audience. coming out — or even being perceived as queer — could have been framed as a threat to his marketability, and therefore a violation of the contract.

and we’re not talking small stakes — we’re talking about millions of dollars riding on his “image.” at that age, with that kind of power imbalance, it wouldn’t have been framed to him as a choice. it would’ve been: this is what you signed. this is the deal. this is how it works.

and just to expose myself a little — i’m actually really familiar with clauses like that. i’ve written them, i’ve signed them, i’ve seen them broken. they’re not just used in music — they show up in any industry where someone’s public image is monetized. are they outdated and kind of gross? yeah. but from a corporate risk perspective, they’re considered “standard.”

to give a non-music example: if J.K. Rowling had been under contract for five more books when she started making horrific comments about trans people, her publisher could’ve dropped her and sued her for all the money they lost out on because of her public behavior. so — yeah. sometimes those clauses are used to protect people, but they can also be used to control them.

🌟 current day 🌟

based on what little we know, i personally believe that harry fulfilled his first solo contract — which i think was for three albums (HS1, Fine Line, Harry’s House). that deal may have been better than what he had before, but he was still just starting out as a solo artist. he probably didn’t have the leverage (or confidence) yet to push for a deal that was completely in his favor. the label was taking a risk on him — he could’ve flopped. and i think he knew that too. none of the industry people could’ve predicted just how massive he’d become. (okay, we could’ve, but still.)

and here’s where i’ll expose another opinion: i fully believe that part of that solo deal — or jeff’s strategy — was to intentionally distance harry from the 1D brand, and from all the members. not because he doesn’t care about them, but because the narrative around him needed to be “solo star harry styles,” not “harry from one direction.”

that’s why we didn’t see him publicly with any of them for years. remember when he went to louis’ xfactor performance in 2016? there was a photo of him with steve aoki. and then a separate photo of louis, liam, and niall with steve. but no photo of all of them together. no photo of harry with any of them (the closest we got was in AOTV - and everyone says "thank you Louis"). that’s not a coincidence.

even if i didn’t believe in larry (which i do), i’d still believe that the public friendships within the band were intentionally regulated for years. not because they weren’t real, but because they weren’t allowed to be seen.

🌈 freedom, but with limits 🌈

i also have a little (okay, a lot) of suspicion that part of the break harry was on was being used to renegotiate whatever his contract looks like now. but it's too early to see any of the effects of that.

to me, he’s as open as he can be — with the original restrictions still in place.

i don’t believe he can confirm his sexuality. i don’t believe he can say he was closeted. i don’t believe any of them can tell us the full truth about how bad things were — or what really happened behind the scenes.

he has signifigant control over his music. he has some control over his image. and he has more say now than he ever did before. but he’s still walking a very careful line, and i think that’s why he’s known for only doing interviews with pre-approved questions. not because he’s trying to be mysterious and "diva" about it — but because he literally can’t afford to say the wrong thing.

there’s a constant push and pull with his public image. and honestly? i think he’s handling it with a lot of grace.

💬 final thoughts 💬

i really, really hope that someday he (and the others) can be more open. and i think he hopes that too, based on the way he changes lyrics live (golden, 2022, coachella. "i'm hoping someday i can be open") and the quiet ways he pushes boundaries.

but for now? no — i don’t think harry is as free as people assume he is. he has more freedom than he used to, but he’s still navigating a system that was built to control him.

and while i’m here — neither is jade (even if she’s running a simon hate campaign in her music - the illusion of freedom is there for her without actually confirming anything), and definitely not louis (who has signed even more contracts with syco/simon even after the band). or the rest of them, really. they’re all still carrying the weight of the contracts they signed when they were teens, and the machine that came with it.

there are people trying to fix that — former contestants, people who were mistreated by simon, by itv, by x factor. but so far, no real structural change seems to have happened.

thanks again for the thoughtful ask, anon 🫶

[swaps55]

I would love to hear if you have any headcanons or thoughts about how people evade Reapers back on Earth! Personally I buy in to the "retreat to backcountry" - my earthborn shepard has a younger sister who holes up in a friend's hunting cabin. They cross paths with Anderson before he makes his way to London, and end up volunteering their space as a stealth base of operations. I can't remember if there's a codex that confirms it, but I always figured the reason Reapers focused so heavily on major cities in their attacks was due in part to them actively seeking out technologically advanced areas.

How do you think "low-tech" Resistance would come into play, in places like the Alenko's orchard?

My headcanons on this are very half-baked so far, but it is something the ME3 fic is going to explore. Aslany will get a chance to shine on Earth, even if she isn't happy about it.

Someone has to protect the cadre of queer grandparents who are sheltering at the Alenko orchard.

Drilling down into what a low-tech, improvised resistance against the reapers without supply lines, communications, etc. looks like is going to require a close examination of the reaper ground troops themselves.

What are their actual capabilities? What do their synthetic components give them in terms of advantages/disadvantages? Do they see like organics? Do they have augmented vision that detects movement or heat signatures? How are they organized? What command structure exists? How do they communicate with each others? How sophisticated is that communication? If the individual unit's intelligence is low, which it seems to be, is there any sophistication to their methods, or is it purely, "throw numbers at the problem until we win?"

There is a lot of talk in the games/codex about prisoner manipulation, organics accepting or rejecting deals to become collaborators, etc., but who makes those deals with them? We don't see reapers possess shock troops like they do collectors, but presumably they could. What if, for the purposes of my own plans and headcanons, collectors were intended for this purpose, and the reaper ground war is unexpectedly weakened when Shepard takes out their base of operations during ME2? Perhaps now shock troops are being repurposed to fill the collector gap, but they are imperfect tools for the job. Maybe that opens up opportunities.

How do our intrepid heroes learn these things? What's the cost? And depending on what the answers are, how do they factor that into a resistance that has nothing to work with except stubbornness, spite, and maybe a little hope?

It's going to be a really fun thing to tackle, and Aslany is going to be such a great lens to do it through. Because while Aslany is such a capable person, she always wants to look to someone else and follow orders, rather than give them. I am very much looking forward to what happens when she looks for the adult in the room and realizes it's her.

[quantumshade]

Just so you know, you can’t ship NineRose romantically. Nine is canonically Aromantic.

sorry i don’t take things as canon if they’re written by the same guy who wrote river song sexually assaulting five.

partly joking but not really. the way big finish wrote this story has one episode call the doctor aro (by john dorney, mentioned above), and have him solve the problem of the episode with his lack of romantic attraction, and two episodes later (by tim foley, who i also have beef with) basically has nine and river call their relationship romantic.

i know being aromantic is a spectrum and something complicated and different to each individual, and i would love it if the show (or surrounding media) made an effort to explore this with the doctor, but i. don't think it's done super well here. like. on one hand it could be saying nine didn't love rose*, which i dislike and also goes against what we see in the show, or it could be saying he needed to just Meet The Right Person, which i also dislike for very obvious reasons. and either way you slice it, it confirms the doctor has feelings in the future for river (which i agree with) but it basically says the only reason the doctor doesn’t have those feelings Now is because he’s aro (with the implication of “aro For Now”). not because he. yknow. just met her. or he just got out of the time war and he hates himself. dorney just kind of bungles it, which is very disappointing because nineriver could be such an interesting dynamic, romantic or not.

i guess i just do fundamentally disagree that the doctor’s sexuality really changes all that much body to body so it really ends up feeling like “he just hasn’t Met The Right Person Yet”.

*if you personally don't think this love is romantic then that's totally fine! if you prefer to read them as queerplatonic partners or what have you then you absolutely should. personally i do think it's romantic love -- specifically allegorical queer romantic love, given how it's written in the show -- and i don't think it's a moral wrong to read it that way.

tl;dr i dislike this writer and how he handled nine and river's relationship and i think how he handled nine's romantic attraction (or lack thereof) specifically in Swipe Right really kind of sucks. that story alone contradicts the doctor being aromantic by saying that they feel romantic attraction in the future, and then the third episode in the set by foley also contradicts the doctor being aro in the present. i know stuff with sexuality can change over time, but that doesn't really feel like what was being done here. it feels more like the stereotypical thing a lot of media does that basically says aromanticism has to be fixed or is a temporary thing.

i also think telling people they can't say two characters were in gay love because of a pseudocanon side story most people have not listened to and costs a lot of money is a weird way to interact with people you don't know on the internet. i like romantic readings of doctorrose and doctorriver, sue me.

[justinspoliticalcorner]

By now, every pundit in America has their own 2024 election take, mostly confirming their prior opinions. Every Republican has a take, too, which is that Americans voted resoundingly for — well, for whatever policy that Republican cares about, from opposition to transgender rights to support for prayer in schools. And of course, progressives, especially younger ones, have every right to feel afraid, angry, or alienated. But the data tells a specific story, not a choose-your-own-adventure. And that is that swing voters voted mostly out of economic insecurity and discontent. They actually liked Kamala Harris more than Donald Trump (Harris’ favorability was 48 percent, compared to 44 percent for Trump). But Harris was the incumbent, and incumbents don’t win elections when people think the economy is bad. This is not just an American phenomenon. As the Financial Times reported, in every developed country in the world, the incumbents lost this year. This is unprecedented. If, like me, you’re being kept awake at night thinking about this election, this explanation helps. Yes, people were willing to put up with Trump’s criminality, coup attempts, and extreme xenophobia, and that is still terrible. Many were also on board with scapegoating immigrants for our economic woes, which is as factually preposterous as it is morally offensive.  But they didn’t vote for MAGA. They didn’t vote against women, or wokeness, or coastal elites, or climate regulation, or government regulation in general, or queer people. Not directly, anyway. They voted against the incumbent party, like every other developed country in the world this year. The shock waves from the Covid-19 pandemic — inflation, empty shelves, housing prices — are global, and this is a global trend. Everywhere in the world, voters have chosen to throw the bastards out because of the economy.  In fact, if you look closely at the Financial Times data, Trump actually did worse than most other non-incumbents. Yes, he won a clear victory. But it was not as big a victory as parties in France, Italy, or even New Zealand.  [...] So what happens when the emperor is revealed to have no clothes — or even worse, the garb of the same financial “elites” he claims to be against? Obviously, the MAGA faithful will stay with Trump no matter what — after all, his failure to bring about revolution in 2017 spawned the QAnon conspiracy theory, which said he was really about to do it, any day now. But the economic voters that gave him his victory could abandon Trump if he can’t deliver results. And he cannot. While Trump is busy trying to throw his enemies in jail, he has no plan — not even “concepts of a plan” — for the kitchen-table concerns that actually put him into office. Maybe, just maybe, voters will see they’ve been conned. That is the best we can hope for.

Jay Michaelson for Rolling Stone on Donald Trump and how he'll make America worse off (11.11.2024).

Jay Michaelson wrote in Rolling Stone that some of who voted in Donald Trump due to “muh economy” or “muh grocery costs” could be in for a shock.

[stagefoureddiediaz]

Is anon aware that Tommy kissed Buck when Buck hadn't said anything about being queer whatsoever ??? For all purpose, he could have been straight too, just like anon says Eddie is. So why is it impossible when talking about Eddie, but okay with Buck exactly. (also, anon, the fact that Tommy saw Eddie with Marisol didn't mean Tommy had to think Eddie was straight, bisexual people exist??)

Hey Nonnie

I’m enjoying all of you also finding my weird anon entertaining and baffling - I hope you’re chuckling as much as I am at their asks!!

And yes we Bisexuals do exist 🩷💜💙

You have it exactly right - Buck wasn’t even aware he was bi until Tommy actually laid one on him - maybe he should have had the courage to do that with Eddie and found out - could’ve saved himself a lot of money on all those dates he was taking Eddie on if he had - I mean how much did that vegas trip cost him - no wonder he can’t afford an apartment as nice as Bucks if that’s what he’s doing when trying to date someone without confirming they are a) queer and b) interested!! Tommy is clearly not the brightest tool in the box on that front!

[kaqcuille]

Apparently!

Kartik didn't actually play Manjulika mostly, it was a stunt double named Pia Soni, who was the faceless dancer in the intro, and then the masked manjulika. She also claims to have done the climax tandav to the Sonu Nigam song, and in her comments under her reels says that Kartik's face was added using vfx.

That means he just did the dance as Debu in the green dress during the flashback and just at the end while attaining moksha apparently

Idk why this made me so sad like I got really attached and impacted by a mainstream actor playing a transwoman's role or a feminine role and they couldn't even care to have him do the full thing! Couldn't he have trained in classical dance and done it himself? He's trained hard for his other movies like Chandu champion so why was this done like this?

I mean I hope this lady is not telling the truth fully because I don't wanna believe he didn't do like 90% of it, especially the dance as the ghost

But she has pictures with the cast and director and photos of getting ready

Maybe she was just a body double due to Kartik's double role in the same scene?

Idek why this is so upsetting to me ugh but I thought yall would understand this very very niche thing lol

Anyway here's her Instagram account you can look at her bts reels and comments: https://www.instagram.com/piaaasoni24?igsh=MWEzZ253a3A3dGFsbA==

I've literally dm-ed her to confirm 😭

Hey! Sorry we took a while to answer this, but you raised many important points that we (the mods) had to discuss and come up with an answer that covered everything we wanted to say.

So, first of all, we agree with your main point! It would have been much nicer if Kartik Aaryan had learned and performed the dance himself. This movie is far from perfect at representing various identities, not just trans. You would have noticed this yourself, but bollywood has a track record of being bad with representation and the movie itself does other reps very wrong. To name just a couple, overall Bengali rep (randomly using Bengali words and sounds intermixed with Hindi) and using bits of Hukkus Phukkus (a Kashmiri song) out of cultural context. It's not a movie where the makers put a lot of thought into any of the identities they represented!

So then, how do we at the kaqcuille look at this movie? When we interact which SKTKS or BB3, we do it not because either are 'good rep' but its because we find potential for exploration in their stories and character arcs. We've adopted them because we want them and their queer identities treated right in a way that appeals to real queer people (us).

It is understandable if you feel betrayed by the double's IG post when Debu's dance was such an important point in your gender journey. That frustration is understandable, it would have held so much more meaning had KA did it himself. That being said, doubles and small time actors rarely get recognition for the work they put in and a part of us is ok if the double gets due credit for a standard industry job that she did in a mainstream movie!

We also understand having high expectations of KA as an actor because of the work he puts in in his dance numbers and movies in general. But we recently found out that for dance sequences in SKTKS where his abs show, KA was starved and dehydrated for hours and that left a bad taste in all our mouths. We had to take a moment before we could go back to appreciating the work he put in for SKTKS. It is valid to have high expectation of actors and we wish doubles and extras were unionized and getting due credit for all they do and what actors are expected of by current movie standards didn't come at the cost of exploitation. But we must remember when we interact with Bollywood's content, that there is an underlying exploitative, capitalist industry and we are going to see intersection of a myriad of issues when mainstream Bollywood chooses an identity or storyline for its character(s).

We understand and agree with your main points and hope this answer provides some more dimensions to think about as you wade through this 💜

[thegazettejournalmirror]

GREENDALE'S 2nd TUMBLR ISSUE OF THE GAZETTE JOURNAL MIRROR!!

March 26 . 24. - a Quality publication of Greendale Community College

This issue's hot topics:

The REDSTREET SMACKDOWN: Greendale students' midnight brawls and mega bans

Leaked: timeline travel method: Vent, vent, voom?

1st Horrors Humans Answers

Notices we had to put in or the paper wouldn't run this week

THE REDSTREET SMACKDOWN

The owner of the popular bar on L Street has said it will be permanently banning all the Greendalians involved in the brawl late last night. 

The numerous bans follow a review of the situation which identified them all as equally responsible for the damages, losses and brutal attack of the bartender on shift that night.

Allegedly, the bartender, who came from the night with a severe black eye and several cuts, has also been banned as well as being fired outright. 

Separately, another bartender, ‘Jean’, has said he didn’t witness the entire event, just the final moments where they all "acted as part of the group". 

Other witnesses suggested a redheaded girl with ‘too many darn piercings’ was ‘vicious’ in her screaming match and was the one who took the first swing. 

An on scene reporter wrote that the bartender on shift argued back equally as viciously and threatened the crowd to take further action. All in all the row was said to have lasted no more than five minutes and yet the effects of it would cost the owner greatly. Our reporter counted a total of eight present during the dispute. This included Greendales’ own Troy Barnes, Abed Nadir and Vanessa Wright. It’s suggested that the others were also students but they were unable to be identified at the time. 

Total damages are said to be cash register breakages, several broken glasses and dents on a couple of chairs. The assailants also stole several bottles of wine and two shot glasses. 

Redstreet’s owner claimed he will not be pressing any charges on this occasion. He commented “if i went apeshit on every stupid drunken fool, I’d never have time to actually run the damn bar. It’s all show business.” 

He also told the team that Redstreet is opening a ‘Tapas Tuesday with ten percent taken (off the total price of the order, not including discounts and other offers and limited only to tuesdays)’ All are welcome except the blacklisted, including the newly banned assailants of last night. 

Leaked: ‘timeline travel method’, Vent, vent, voom?

Sources have suggested that the more surefire way to travel between the ‘timelines’ are by crawling through Greendale’s vents.

The ‘timelines’ themselves were discovered late last year upon the discovery of the ‘other timeline’, (also been dubbed the ‘superior timeline’ by some) rendering this the ‘prime timeline’. It was quickly realised by the sci-fi society members, namely one ‘Abed Nadir’ that there are possibly infinite other timelines out there. It was also discovered that Tumblr is a rare medium through which all the timelines are able to converge. 

While many claim to have undertaken this method to travel between them, the Gazette Journal Mirror stresses that this is still hearsay, and has yet to be directly confirmed by the paper. 

Although, with this new information to light, we urge you to keep a keen eye for the evil timeliners who have been sighted around campus and tumblr alike! 

Horrors Humans Answers 

hi! i have a crush on a girl, and i know she's gay, or at least queer, and she's been dropping some hints, but then sometimes she also says we're just friends and does friend-zone-y kind of stuff, and i'm not sure what to think or to do. please send help!

- angel lover

ANSWER: Hey, Angel Lover! This horrors human knows exactly how you feel! The lovesick feeling is bittersweet. But hang tight! Here’s my advice. Scenario One: You bite the bullet and just ask her out, you never know the outcome until you try - and as they say, nothing ventured, nothing gained. Scenario Two: You ask a mutual friend if you know who she likes! That’s a sure way to know if it’s you, or someone else. Horrors Human wishes you the best of luck!

what’s the deal with the dude hanging in the east stairwell - scared student

ANSWER: Hi there, Scared Student! I’m here to say - Fear Not! You’re probably seeing things. Have you been eating funny brownies recently? There’s no one hanging in the east stairwell, silly! There’s no one there, see? No one there. No one there. No one there at all. anymore. In fact, we’re going to put a nice new vending machine right there next week! Enjoy! 

How to stop having gay thoughts -person in a study group who totally isn’t gay

ANSWER: Hello, Study Grouper! Sounds like you’ve got a classic case of denial. Though this may be tricky for you to come to terms with, my advice here would not be to try and stop yourself from having these thoughts but to take a step back and allow them to be there. Indulge yourself a little! Perhaps there’s a celebrity you’ve never openly admitted to liking, or maybe you’ve got a crush you flirt with? Get comfortable with yourself, Study Grouper! 

Notices (we had to put this in because otherwise they wouldn't let us run the paper this week)

GREENDALE’S THEATRE DEPARTMENT:  We are excited to announce their upcoming performance, ‘Anti Death Macbeth’, the tickets of which will be going on sale this Friday from the drama studio and reception. Don’t miss it. This will not be an ado about nothing! 

TEACHERS PAY: INTERVIEW WITH THE DEAN TO BE PUBLISHED SHORTLY.

NON-GLUTEN FREE RUMOURS: ‘Who on earth would trick people into eating bread with gluten in it?' Greendale's head chef and meal planner commented, insisting on speaking directly from rehab. And there you have it, human beings! We’re here to remind you that, no matter the rumours, the cafeteria’s Gluten-Free bread is indeed gluten-free!

[bengiyo]

Don't Care for an Old Man's Underwear! Ep 7 Stray Thoughts

This watch made possible in thanks to @isaksbestpillow.

Last time, Makoto wanted to make up for what happened at the BBQ where he outed Madoka, and eventually had a really touching conversation with them in the park. Kakeru bonded more with Hasegawa, and had a meaningful conversation with his rival at a makeup tutorial. The focus of the episode was on Mika feeling like the family takes her for granted, and how the misogyny of her era kept her out of the workforce and pursuing a career in publishing that she was excited about. The family came together and got Mika tickets for her favorite boy band in a scene that made me cry.

It's a real relief to see Kakeru hanging around the family again.

Already getting emotional about Kakeru finding a school he wants to attend and recommitting to his high school degree. The trust he has in his mom and sister means so much to me.

That they're also willing to worry about the things that made Kakeru flee school with Makoto is a sign of how far he's come.

Oh fuck I forgot about the old creep that got moved to their team. He's awful. I like him as a character in this show. Makoto was trained by men like him, and it means a lot that he's turning away from that.

Aww the girls loved Kakeru's smile.

Well, Makoto finally got invited to lunch, but at what cost?

Okay, it's funny that they all got his standard lunch.

I am so rooting for Hasegawa to be Kakeru's friend.

I really like the way the girls treat Kakeru.

Uh oh, it's the rival again.

Oh, Makoto, don't just assume things. You're going to embarrass yourself again.

Madoka being a very good vet-in-training adds a good layer to his story.

Makoto, what did I say about making stuff up. This conversation was so awkward and off-base, but he's sorta right? Great comedy with Maki and Moe.

Yes, time for a walk with Carlos.

Incredible editing to go from Makoto flubbing with Kakeru, to having a good dad conversation about how Madoka is allowed to make his own choices and choose Daichi, to Makoto realizing again how he's taken Mika for granted.

28,000 yen for two tickets in the modern era is not terrible.

Oh, Mika doesn't seem happy about the price for the tickets.

This bra scene was also fantastic. I wanna see how shocking this old man into submission goes.

I do love this response to being asked about his sexuality. "I'm not sure who I might like yet," is a valid response. I like that Hasegawa framed this as an appreciation for Kakeru's strength or character because Hasegawa usually caves to peer pressure.

Don't let me down, Hasegawa!

I totally get Mika, but I'm glad that Makoto insisted that she still use the tickets and enjoy herself. This works well from what Igarashi said earlier, and it's something Makoto has needed to say for a long time.

Oh no. They're about to miss the hint that Kakeru isn't dating snyone.

Oof, there it is.

That's the big part about being queer that this show understands: the misplaced assumptions about you. Hasegawa did well earlier, as did the girls, because they responded to his energy. The girls saw that Kakeru didn't want to talk about the baseball club and left it alone. Hasegawa asked a direct question, accepted Kakeru's answer, and gave genuine appreciation for what that answer confirmed for him. His parents really mean well when they say they'll support whoever he likes, but they assumed he liked someone at all. Back in my Koisenu Futari feels. This also works well with the work stuff, where they're going to torment that old man with his own presumptions.

[cal-daisies-and-briars]

Hi!

🦮🦮🦮🦮🦮🦮🦮🦮🦮🦮, 🪞🪞🪞🪞🪞🪞🪞🪞🪞🪞, ⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️

Hi :)

30 for 🦮:

---

 She rummages around until she finds what appears to be an old photograph print. Four by six. She slides it across the table to Buck. 

“This is him,” Maddie says. “Daniel.”

Daniel?

Hands shaking, Buck grabs the photo. He lifts it closer to his face. The child in the photo is a dead ringer for Buck at the same age. He’d almost ask her if she’s sure it’s not just him. Except it’s not their house he’s sitting on a bike out front of. And there’s no birthmark, when he looks closer. 

“He was two years younger than me,” Maddie says. “He died before your first birthday. That’s why you don’t remember him.”

Buck shakes his head. “I don’t understand.”

“He got sick,” Maddie says. “The doctors tried everything to save him, but… Well, it didn’t work.”

This isn’t real. This can’t be real. There are too many questions bouncing around his head. Like bullets ricocheting off the walls of his skull. There is so much noise, even though they’ve both fallen completely silent. 

“Uh…” He trails off. “I guess, first… I’m sorry, Maddie.”

Maddie looks at the surface of the table, avoiding his gaze. 

---

30 for 🪞:

---

Dove is quiet. 

That’s probably okay. It’s probably okay for her to be quiet and process. But Buck is too anxious and heartbroken to let the moment just sit. 

“It’s not your fault no one has said it before,” Buck tells her. “You are so special and loveable. And I’m going to tell you every single day, so you don’t forget it, okay?”

At this, Dove starts to cry. Buck worries he’s said the exact wrong thing. This is hard. 

“Sweetie, it’s okay,” he says, rubbing her shoulder. “It’s okay.”

“So you won’t send me back?” She blubbers.

“What?” Buck gapes. “Oh god. No, Dove. No, I am not going to send you back. This is your home now.”

She takes deep, gulping breaths like she can’t get enough air. Buck thinks he may need to get her puffer. But is this an asthma attack or a panic attack? And if it’s the latter, what the hell does he do?

“Can you breathe?” He asks her. “In through the nose, okay?”

He models breathing, and she follows along. She manages to regulate herself, much to Buck’s relief. 

“You’re okay,” he promises. “You’re gonna be okay.”

---

30 for ⚡️:

---

 Maybe that’s confirmation bias. Whatever. Eddie has given up trying to be more rational than his husband. When he became his husband. Easier to lean into it, it turns out. 

The point is, things keep lining out. Moving them in the right direction. And Eddie has to wonder… If there is a destiny or a fate or whatever, is life just easier when you surrender to it? Because things used to feel so hard. When he was fighting himself all the time. 

Take, for example, the whole baby thing. Which Eddie maybe could be stressing about a whole lot right now, considering how much extra work it will take for them to accomplish versus the last time he did. In which his initial work was very minimal. He could be panicking, but he’s not. Because things are just kind of… Going the way they’re meant to go? It’s novel, really. 

Buck had come to him with an idea. Name the baby after Bobby, assuming it’s a boy. Which Eddie thinks they will be - he will be - because that’s just what Eddie thinks. So Eddie had said yes, as long as Buck actually talked to Bobby. Which Buck did, and it went great for them. And just like that, the universe - if it’s a thing - seems to be taking care of them. Because not even a full month later, the LAFD changes its benefits policy. They are now covering a wide range of costs related to family planning and fertility. Including a decent chunk of the costs of IVF for surrogacy. 

Eddie doesn’t think this was meant to be a win for queer men, as much as it is one. Likely, a much more selfish motive passed that change. More female firefighters opting to go the surrogate route, and therefore not getting pregnant themselves. Better for business, in the eyes of the LAFD. 

[mysteriouslybluepirate]

2024 results warning rant: protect your peace before reading

Hello my mutuals. I just wanted to give a post election update and confirm stuff. I apologize for my absence, but I need to scream somewhere.

My state fully slipped red this election season.

My state was once seen as a state where you voted based on values and not sides. We were red, but had blue leaning federal representstives. Our rep in the senate went from blue to red. The new dickhead is pro a national abortion ban. Selling off our national land to rich out of staters. Further deepening the wealth gap in my state.

The only good news is that my state is still temporarily a safe haven state for abortion care. As all states surrounding us have harsh laws surrounding abortion.

I am safe as I can be for now. I have a home.

But I know that my state has homosexual marriage as being illegal on a state by state level. We still have Sodom laws that are canceled out by the federal right to marriage. If that right to marriage was stripped at the federal level, we would lose it here.

As someone who is studying to go into social work i am looking at the reality that every field i want to enter is going to get cut or reatricted into obsolescence. I was going to specialize in community aid. Getting my masters to work as a therapist for rural communities.

I understand the want to punish those is red states. I really do. But we did what we could. In the next few weeks you will blame the 3rd party voters, and electoral college. But this doesn't change the fact that our government will have 3 republican branches in government. Even ignoring the Supreme Court, this is bad.

I am scared.

The thing about rural red states is, there is no where else to go. Whenever people panic about the prices of blue states. There is somewhere for them to go. Out of their city or move to a big safe city somewhere red. Rural but safe. Where do I go? Living in one of the cheapest areas in my shitty state. I worry that i wont be able to stay safe forever. Most men I work with comment about how thin. Or frail. Or weak I am. Its a joke that i would lose any fight. That I easily get tired when doing anything that requires manual labor. Thst I have a good body and not much else. Women here get married at 20. Maybe go into nursing if they dont marry blue collar. All the jobs that pay well employ the men I fear. Where can I go? I don't love men, and the men here are those who put us into this mess.

I am scared. Scared that the one field i was passionate about was about to be stripped away from my hands. That I am going to watch my town of retirees realized how fucked they are without their Medicaid and Medicare. The fact that I still need to cut off half of my family for my own sanity. The fact my family has been outing me to anyone they know, because they are accepting enough to have a gay child. That I can't feel safe anymore. That the jobs that keep me alive won't keep me safe.

Soon, the family i live with will want me out. Throw the bird out of the nest, as clearly i am just a leach.

Living on my own in a cost of living crisis. In a few years. One or two. There will be no safety net. That's my reality.

What if he cuts FAFSA scholarships? What if I can't even get my degree?

That's in the future.

We had our first snow last night. And I am tired. So I'm playing dragon age. And eating good food.

I will post something helpful later. But for now. If you need something to do, go download fics you love. I suggest calibre to keep them sorted.

I know I will survive this.

But what does survival look like? Going to work, living paycheck to paycheck. Not saying the wrong things. Then going home and hoping to find the queer community i crave online. Watching people lucky enough to not be born here live the lives i want. Living life vicariously through my phone at my grown ass age. An age i fully expect myself to be happy and out.

I'm tired. So for now. I will let myself be scared. This will pass.

[jackabbot]

yes to all of that but also I'm still hoping we might get some kind of flashback or realization from the bachelor shenanigans, even if it's much later. and not just, as tim said, those scenes as some kind of fan service for us buddie fans. because yes, thank you, I missed buddie but not as a consolation prize like 'here, now be quiet' lol (I did want to hear them sing but at what cost! now he hates us again!)

lmao Tim hates the whiny little bitches who went and straight up *demanded* to have the scene released when 1) you can want something and be respectful about it and if you're gonna go to the actors and creators that should be the bare minimum tbh, Tim got like death threats and got called names and got accused of queer baiting, all for... *checks notes* not showing us two fictional characters singing karaoke? sheesh.

and 2) as Tim said, it would've cost thousands of dollars to get the licensing for the song and it just didn't further the story and now he sure as hell won't pay that money just to please the people who were practically online bullying him and frankly, I'm with him on that.

fuck everyone who behaves like that.

having a light hearted, loose lipped drunken night with buddie as fan service is just a different form of what the show's been doing back in the day before — as he just confirmed — Tim pulled away from it out of worry of being accused of queer baiting (which... looking at the situation at hand; fair.)

I don't see what it would be a consolation prize for though? for the rushed episode? they didn't know it'll be like that when they started filming and frankly, getting that 2-3 minutes of them being carefree and silly is a very good ratio in an episode that centers two other characters imo

for all the times we didn't get to see them interact or even touch in the last couple of seasons? for that it kinda seems like a nice gesture, actually.

again, all this is just my personal opinion, but I have no qualms with how the episode went down aside from a very minor desire to see more of the cut scenes, but frankly? they cut stuff from every ep; they cut an entire rescue call from 7x04 just this season alone... and we were never really bent out of shape over it, so yk it is what it is.

[deltaruminations]

here’s a loosely speculative and rambly queer reading of dess that i sort of accidentally wrote just now. enjoy ?? ?

the more i think on it the more i think like. yeah noelle might very well be canonically a transgirl. as a lot of people have speculated, we might get the subtext when the mayor and dess are revealed to be does without antlers — we have the “horned girl and her sister” line, and it does seem a little odd that the story is so far withholding information on the mayor or dess’s appearances. and aside from the confirmation just being dope as hell on its own merits, i also think it might matter in relation to dess’s possible conflicts as a metaphorically queer person in a small town, maybe specifically with her mother

because the thing is, queerphobia literally doesn’t exist in utdr’s universes as far as we can tell. it doesn’t make sense for their mom to be angry with dess for being trans, gay, or GNC, because being those things isn’t considered rebellious or deviant in this world — it’s perfectly within the range of normal. it fits within her mother’s worldview. noelle is a trans lesbian and as far as we can tell it’s perfectly fine; their mom probably wouldn’t be upset either way if dess continued to be her daughter or came out as her son or as her nonbinary child. the mayor herself is gender-nonconforming — a tough, powerful woman in a position of high authority who can punch a man so hard that he blacks out.

but that doesn’t mean there can’t still be queer-flavored conflicts — perhaps a parent upset with her child for pursuing hobbies and passions that she thinks are inappropriate for her, that aren’t in line with what she understands or respects; for not dressing or behaving or growing up in the ways she thinks her children should. a parent angry with her child for not following rules that, in her mind, are in the child’s best interests to follow — rules that she thinks should protect dess from a world that just Wouldn’t Be Kind To Someone Like Her. a parent feeling personally attacked when her child chooses a new name for herself, rejecting the one she gave to her. a parent feeling hurt and abandoned when the person her child chooses to be in the world isn’t the person she expected or wanted.

to very briefly speculate on specifics: consider the possibility that, while rudy and noelle only ever refer to dess by her chosen name, the mayor may insist on calling her “december.” and, while it does make sense in-universe for someone to suspect the worst from dess’s vanishing, consider the imagery of a parent possibly considering her young adult child “dead” after that person made choices for herself that she found frightening and confusing.

noelle, while arguably just as “queer” as dess (see her quiet fascination with the weird and strange, and her desire to be closer with both susie and kris, both characters who, aside from being literally queer, are also very metaphorically queer in their own rights) might be avoiding this conflict by essentially “closeting” herself around her mom — minimizing herself as a form of self-preservation (for example, stifling her emotional outbursts while playing video games so her mom doesn’t know she’s playing them). this is of course oppressive to her, as well — it’s simply that noelle has traditionally prioritized her safety, while dess may have prioritized her liberty. dess, while perhaps not literally queer like noelle, is metaphorically “out,” and while being out has its own rewards, it may have cost her their mom’s sympathy and respect.

none of this is to preemptively demonize the mayor — we haven’t even met her yet — but to speculate on a possible character flaw that could reasonably have driven dess away, and may be redeemed over the course of the story. the mayor may need to redeem herself before dess can, or is willing to, return.

and i don’t think it’s just her mom. i think her mom, as the town’s mayor, might be in part representative of dess’s relationship to the town itself — a small, insular community that dess feels limits her choices and opportunities, especially as a young adult with big dreams. we know she dreamed of taking noelle to the big city someday.

…something i think about a lot is the line about dess wearing asriel’s jacket — how classically Straight and heteronormative that imagery is. to be clear, that’s not in any way meant as a knock on the legitimacy of dess and asriel’s relationship itself (i have some more nuanced thoughts on dessriel, and the value it has thematically or whatever, that i don’t really think are really relevant here. but i don’t think dessriel is in any way bad LOL), nor does it mean that i think asriel or their relationship is necessarily heteronormative in the literal sense (asriel himself is arguably GNC from the little bit we currently know about him).

it’s more that the framing here seems to emphasize how traditional and exceedingly “normal” the relationship was considered to be, something that may have been at odds with dess’s interests and ambitions as a young, “queer” person. asriel is quite literally the boy next door — sweet, nice, non-threatening. they grew up together; their parents and little siblings are close friends. they’re a boy and a girl in a perfect narrative position to date — hiro and mari — so of course they did. who else would she have dated? pizzapants? meangirl bratty? i could see her feeling boxed in to that option, among so many other options she felt she never had a real say in. asriel may be a great boyfriend, healthy and stable and exceedingly normal, but who’s to say she wanted “normal”? what if she wanted something queer?

if we think about why dess might have run away, why she would have wanted to escape, and why she might have found the fantasy of the dark worlds so captivating that she lost herself to them, i think this could be one way to read into it. dess is — at least metaphorically — a young, queer person, lonely and existentially bored in a small town that cares about her but, from her perspective, doesn’t seem to really understand her, doesn’t give her the option to really be who she wants to be. maybe she just wanted to find another queer person like her. and, who knows — maybe she did.

[takaraphoenix]

In TOA, Riordan wrote that the entire camp was trying to find a mate for Reyna and that everyone but Jason knew about her conversation with Venus, making her the target of gossip, pity, and unwanted recommendations. He then had her join the hunters of Artemis and later declared on twitter that he wrote her as an asexual character.

Omitting the fact that no one at Camp Jupiter mentioned Reyna's love life in HOO and that that seems more like a indirect criticism to fans, does any of the character's conclusion make sense?

I mean, there was talk of Reyna's love life in HoO, specifically from Reyna herself who expressed interest in Percy, and before that from Jason about them perhaps being involved in TLH (before, ya know, Riordan retconned that there was never-ever-ever anything between them because Riordan has this warped perception that any other attractions invalidate the current one, so to booster Jason and Piper, Jason could not possibly have an ex-girlfriend).

It was part of what made Reyna so incredibly interesting in HoO, because she had unfulfilled romantic plotlines whereas Riordan tends to herd characters off like that ship was named Arc II and not Argo II.

That being said, I think that the conclusion both makes total sense as well as not making sense at all, so let me elaborate.

Firstly, the not making sense part. Her being asexual reads very much like an allo doing the most surface level reading up on aspec identities.

Because what he wrote for her very much reads more as an aroace identity than an allo ace identity, and thus reads like an allo author who doesn't know how to separate sexual attraction from romantic attraction and just conflates them.

If she were actually asexual, there is no... no reason to join the Riordan-version of a cloister (I have many negative thoughts on his interpretation of the hunt) and avoid all advances, there is no reason to hide away from romantic advances and avoid them all at all cost?

She'd still experience romantic attraction as an asexual person, so why shouldn't she go on dates, meet people, get into a relationship?

It would actually have been a great way to have her come out as asexual to her partner and explain that while she does feel romantic attraction, she may not be interested in sex (and I am saying "may" because many asexual people are interested in sex, despite not feeling sexual attraction).

All of that, coupled with the twitter outing, makes it not really feel... fulfilling. It makes it feel half-assed through and through, both in the research on this identity department, as well as the coming out. Because there is nothing more frustrating than when writers prove to be too incompetent to put their story on actual paper and instead of giving a character a fulfilling arc and a real, canonical coming out, they just post some random tweet like that's worth shit.

Sure, hearing the author confirm a queer identity even in a non-canonical setting can be rewarding in that it recognizes a queer identity, but... it's not representation, it's a cop-out. Representation happens in the canon medium at hand.

Now, if he actually pulls through with this and has Reyna come out in one of the approximately 125 coming PJOverse books that he's going to write? Because it is worth noting that we're not talking about a closed story here and that his tweet could just be a "hey, guys, it's a slow build up and the coming out is gonna happen later but I want to clarify that yes, this is canon". That's the good faith argument here.

And on that note, I want to say why it is a satisfying conclusion, particularly for me as an asexual lesbian.

One of my favorite characters of all time is ace? Holy shit, that's a massive win! A leading character in one of the biggest YA series of all time is canonically ace? Hades yes, that is amazing and could do so much for visibility and also for helping younger aces figure themselves out earlier (provided, of course, that he actually puts the conclusion in a book).

I'm an even bigger fan of late coming out stories. Stories of queer people who pretended to be like everyone else around them to fit in and may have even lied to themselves.

Because there's a modern trend of gold-star-ism. As in, these queers came out of the womb queer, they have always known they were x identity!! Now, those very much exist, but the amount of this kind of representation in media very much warps the perception. Because not everybody always knew and many queer people struggle for varying amounts of time with finding their identity.

It's never 'too late' to confirm a character as any queer label, because real actual queer people may go through allo/CIS/het pretenses before coming out and if you take a character you previously portrayed in such a way and give them a journey into realizing they may be any share of queer, that is still a valid portrayal of real experiences and, even if on a meta-level it may be a "retcon" in that the author may not have always considered this character queer, it still very much checks out in-universe as a realistic journey.

Lastly, I want to get into the part about indirect criticism of fans. The way you put that, I'm not a hundred percent sure what you mean, but I'm assuming you're referring to the many fans who headcanon Reyna, or go a step farther and think she should be canonically a lesbian. I do remember backlash from that side of the fandom in regards to this.

But... again, as an asexual lesbian, I don't entirely see a problem there unless you do not actually know what asexuality means. Because she could very well still be a lesbian. You could still headcanon her as a lesbian. So, this isn't exactly something Riordan did that spites and destroys that headcanon, and the uproar about it was equally... pointless? The only way this could have been an indirect criticism toward fans would have been if he indeed just conflated aro and ace, and if the fans who took offense, also conflate aro and ace.

So, that's my answer to your question. It is most definitely not a perfect way of handling this and I hope he does something more with this in future books that truly puts this identity into a canonical framework, I hope he differentiates aromantic and asexual identities here more clearly, but I'm glad for any representation to come out of even clumsy writing.

[inkonfreshnewpaper]

Tag Game! (Two for Two in a week! Saved for later so I'd have something different to write about) (Saved it for so long I've got a ton to write about)

Tagged by @bacchanalium

3) Last song: Love Me Like You Used To - Lord Huron. It hits in that good melancholy country mood for me.

4) Last film: Portrait of a Girl on Fire. I'm so behind on essential queer films, so I finally got around to watching it. Honestly, surprised at the lack of music in movie. It's saved for a moment at the end that absolutely hit. Bit slow, but in a good way. Seven Samurai. It's Seven Samurai. It's a good movie. I don't have much to say other than, movie good. Wasn't expecting Mifune's character to be as feral as he was, or how affecting the movie was. The Thing. It's The Thing, I wanna be you. The first time I saw it was Halloween 2020 during my horror movie marathon. This time I watched it in my university's movie theatre with a nearly full audience. People gasped during Child's "Then we're wrong" line delivery and laughed a bunch throughout. Seeing it on the big screen was incredible. 10/10. The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde (2022). This was a weird one. Gonna have to actually post my thoughts on it because I'm still chewing on it. It focuses entirely on Utterson, but the adaption decides to put him through a negative character arc. Does it work? Stay tuned.

5) Currently reading: The Fourth Wing by Rebecca Yarros (finished it but at what cost). It wasn't very good. I got YA vibes from the character descriptions in the how they focus exclusively on eye and hair colour. Pacing was all over the place. Would spend way too long in one scene, way too short in another. The characters felt way too modern in a supposed fantasy world, mostly due to the dialogue. (Protag's best friend called her and her love interest 'slow burn' and I had to put the book down for a minute after that). The magic system felt like an excuse to get the main couple together and nothing else. That's my biggest critique of the novel. Everything just feels paper thin in this world. Things are set up, but resolved so quickly it doesn't feel satisfying. The school is set up as super dangerous and everyone is trying to kill each other 24/7, and the protag makes a best friend first day and they stay best friends. And further confirmation that no one knows how to write enemies-to-lovers, just 'didn't like you at the start'. Love interest says he loved her since he first saw her. WEAK. Why'd I read it? A bookstore clerk recommended it, I was on the library wait list for months. I needed to dissect this book thoroughly to justify me reading it. I'm also reading The Butterfly Collector by Tea Cooper. It's an okay mystery set in 1920s Australia. Garden of Earth Bodies by Sally Oliver. I'm compelled. It's horror-lite about grief, but the twist hasn't happened yet, so who's to say if it's good yet. Definitely reads as a debut novel - very dramatic prose, feels like it's trying too hard to grab my attention. It's meh so far, but I want to see where it goes.

6) Currently watching: Currently Delicious in Dungeon as it comes out. Studio Trigger is doing such a good job with the adaptation. I'm also watching Revue Starlight, which was way better than I was expecting. Episode 8 launched Hikari to all time favourite characters for me. Haven't finished it yet.

7) Currently consuming: Some tea.

8) Currently craving: Nice and full from dinner with Delicious in Dungeon. No better way to spend a Thursday night.

Tagging: @thefollow-spot, @whoawhataconcept, @fate-motif, @ishmaels, @flubz, @scootbloop, @dying-suffering-french-stalkers, @kafkastan, @sacrerouges, @violasmirabiles, @owlmylove

[olivanding]

Errand Journal #2: Picking Up My New IDs

On my previous entry, I shared the minutiae of the legal process to change your identity as a Chilean trans person. It's been considerably more than 45 working days, but, alas, the change is now official.

I now have a small plastic rectangle and a brand new passport, both stating that, yes, my name is Oliver, and yes indeed, my gender is male.

About this fact I have many feelings. Strange, confusing, thick elastic feelings.

Don't get me wrong–I'm elated.

But I'm also terrified.

Let's begin with the picking up part, which happened at the consulate, inside the embassy building. My partner tagged along for moral support, and thank fuck they did!

We arrived "out of hours," because nowhere on the website or notification email was it specified that the hours were different from the general consulate operating hours. While we stood outside thinking of what to do, someone from the embassy came to ask what we needed. After some mild begging, we gave up.

As we were walking away, the guy took pity on us and offered to help me. He called the office, they agreed to see me. On the seventh floor, a man scolded me for five minutes before grabbing my old ID and calling me "doña deadname." After some waiting, he led me inside because, thankfully, the only decent guy in the whole equation had taken my picture and handled the process with the Santiago office. He remembered me, pushed for the guy to give me the documents, and, presumably explained that I was the same person.

After handing me the documents, man #1 switched to patronizingly sweet, telling me to "not go around losing them" in a condescending tone that made me feel sick. Downstairs, the embassy guy mockingly smiled at me as I confirmed that I had gotten my documents and, just like I had done to the men upstairs, I thanked thanked thanked him.

True, I could've been better prepared; it didn't occur to me to bring the receipts or my old passport. That's on me. But let's not kid ourselves: they decided do this as a favor because it wasn't massively inconvenient for them, but the cost was always going to be my dignity.

Everyone involved knew why I was there. Oliver is an unambiguously male name in Chile, as is my second name, Andrés. Yet the embassy guy announced "there's a... (marked pause) young lady here to pick up her documents," and kept misgendering me while trying to talk to my partner (in spite of their repeated efforts to correct him), whom he also misgendered in the process.

Neither of us could say a thing, of course, too afraid that they wouldn't give me my ID if we complained.

Thank you, thank you so much, I kept repeating, sorry for the inconvenience, thank you so much, bowing my head like a scolded dog.

It isn't just the grovelling. It's the powerlessness... the invalidation.. and okay, the emasculation, too. As a queer trans man, I loathe to admit that I can even feel this way. I feel very secure in my masculinity, which is not threatened by being drawn to feminine things or being perceived as sensitive, fruity, camp. Had I been cis, I would like to believe that I would've been all those things anyway. Casual misgendering I can usually take okay, too–I get it, I tell myself, how are they to know, when I haven't changed that much about myself yet?

But this? This was malicious. A power trip.

Not only was I treated like a bad child, which I could've explained away as a product of me being an inconvenient customer of sorts; I got purposefully misgendered and deadnamed. I couldn't protect my partner from it either. I dread the day I have to return to that place for any legal errand. Hopefully it won't be anytime soon.

I intended to use this entry to reflect a bit more on the terrifying in-betweenness of legally being one person in Chile and another in the UK, and how socially this is quite the opposite. I want to talk about the weight of bureaucracy and question the implications of having a new legal identity before medical transition... but writing this has made me exhausted.

I'll leave this a frustration dump instead.

We all need that, sometimes.