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thegazettejournalmirror · 9 months ago

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GREENDALE'S 2nd TUMBLR ISSUE OF THE GAZETTE JOURNAL MIRROR!!

March 26 . 24. - a Quality publication of Greendale Community College

This issue's hot topics:

The REDSTREET SMACKDOWN: Greendale students' midnight brawls and mega bans

Leaked: timeline travel method: Vent, vent, voom?

1st Horrors Humans Answers

Notices we had to put in or the paper wouldn't run this week

THE REDSTREET SMACKDOWN

The owner of the popular bar on L Street has said it will be permanently banning all the Greendalians involved in the brawl late last night.

The numerous bans follow a review of the situation which identified them all as equally responsible for the damages, losses and brutal attack of the bartender on shift that night.

Allegedly, the bartender, who came from the night with a severe black eye and several cuts, has also been banned as well as being fired outright.

Separately, another bartender, ‘Jean’, has said he didn’t witness the entire event, just the final moments where they all "acted as part of the group".

Other witnesses suggested a redheaded girl with ‘too many darn piercings’ was ‘vicious’ in her screaming match and was the one who took the first swing.

An on scene reporter wrote that the bartender on shift argued back equally as viciously and threatened the crowd to take further action. All in all the row was said to have lasted no more than five minutes and yet the effects of it would cost the owner greatly. Our reporter counted a total of eight present during the dispute. This included Greendales’ own Troy Barnes, Abed Nadir and Vanessa Wright. It’s suggested that the others were also students but they were unable to be identified at the time.

Total damages are said to be cash register breakages, several broken glasses and dents on a couple of chairs. The assailants also stole several bottles of wine and two shot glasses.

Redstreet’s owner claimed he will not be pressing any charges on this occasion. He commented “if i went apeshit on every stupid drunken fool, I’d never have time to actually run the damn bar. It’s all show business.”

He also told the team that Redstreet is opening a ‘Tapas Tuesday with ten percent taken (off the total price of the order, not including discounts and other offers and limited only to tuesdays)’ All are welcome except the blacklisted, including the newly banned assailants of last night.

Leaked: ‘timeline travel method’, Vent, vent, voom?

Sources have suggested that the more surefire way to travel between the ‘timelines’ are by crawling through Greendale’s vents.

The ‘timelines’ themselves were discovered late last year upon the discovery of the ‘other timeline’, (also been dubbed the ‘superior timeline’ by some) rendering this the ‘prime timeline’. It was quickly realised by the sci-fi society members, namely one ‘Abed Nadir’ that there are possibly infinite other timelines out there. It was also discovered that Tumblr is a rare medium through which all the timelines are able to converge.

While many claim to have undertaken this method to travel between them, the Gazette Journal Mirror stresses that this is still hearsay, and has yet to be directly confirmed by the paper.

Although, with this new information to light, we urge you to keep a keen eye for the evil timeliners who have been sighted around campus and tumblr alike!

Horrors Humans Answers

hi! i have a crush on a girl, and i know she's gay, or at least queer, and she's been dropping some hints, but then sometimes she also says we're just friends and does friend-zone-y kind of stuff, and i'm not sure what to think or to do. please send help!

- angel lover

ANSWER: Hey, Angel Lover! This horrors human knows exactly how you feel! The lovesick feeling is bittersweet. But hang tight! Here’s my advice. Scenario One: You bite the bullet and just ask her out, you never know the outcome until you try - and as they say, nothing ventured, nothing gained. Scenario Two: You ask a mutual friend if you know who she likes! That’s a sure way to know if it’s you, or someone else. Horrors Human wishes you the best of luck!

what’s the deal with the dude hanging in the east stairwell - scared student

ANSWER: Hi there, Scared Student! I’m here to say - Fear Not! You’re probably seeing things. Have you been eating funny brownies recently? There’s no one hanging in the east stairwell, silly! There’s no one there, see? No one there. No one there. No one there at all. anymore. In fact, we’re going to put a nice new vending machine right there next week! Enjoy!

How to stop having gay thoughts -person in a study group who totally isn’t gay

ANSWER: Hello, Study Grouper! Sounds like you’ve got a classic case of denial. Though this may be tricky for you to come to terms with, my advice here would not be to try and stop yourself from having these thoughts but to take a step back and allow them to be there. Indulge yourself a little! Perhaps there’s a celebrity you’ve never openly admitted to liking, or maybe you’ve got a crush you flirt with? Get comfortable with yourself, Study Grouper!

Notices (we had to put this in because otherwise they wouldn't let us run the paper this week)

GREENDALE’S THEATRE DEPARTMENT: We are excited to announce their upcoming performance, ‘Anti Death Macbeth’, the tickets of which will be going on sale this Friday from the drama studio and reception. Don’t miss it. This will not be an ado about nothing!

TEACHERS PAY: INTERVIEW WITH THE DEAN TO BE PUBLISHED SHORTLY.

NON-GLUTEN FREE RUMOURS: ‘Who on earth would trick people into eating bread with gluten in it?' Greendale's head chef and meal planner commented, insisting on speaking directly from rehab. And there you have it, human beings! We’re here to remind you that, no matter the rumours, the cafeteria’s Gluten-Free bread is indeed gluten-free!

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thegazettejournalmirror · 10 months ago

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GREENDALE'S 1st TUMBLR ISSUE OF THE GAZETTE JOURNAL MIRROR!!

March 11 . 24. - a Quality publication of Greendale Community College

This issue's hot topics:

GLOW Party: Raging success, or total Dean-saster?

Elixirs, Potions and Me - Leonard Rodriguez rumoured to be in a cult for immortality.

An all-new update on the Winger-Perry wedding!

INCLUDES an exclusive interview of @prayingshirleybennett on getting the star couple engaged!

GLOW Party: Raging success, or total Dean-saster?

This past week saw the biggest, showiest party this year has seen so far - one anonymous attendee even suggested it was ‘reminiscent of those ragers people go to in the movies, you know, where they all get drunk and play beer pong.’ The party was nicknamed ‘GLOW Party’ in honour of the glowing cat owned by Troy Barnes and who is suggested to have been at the centre of the party’s inception. While it’s undeniable that this party was no disappointment in the wow factor, many will agree that the night became sour only a few drinks in.

The party invites were reported to have been sent out via a Tumblr post of student ‘Rayla Leone’ and by widespread messaging, word of mouth and Greendale’s official announcement Tumblr page, run by the Dean.

By the time day school was out only a few short hours later, the entire body was buzzing with the news, with the exception of the majority of the staff who remained uninvited and are still said to be ‘pretty darn pissed’ about the affair.

A member of staff who asked to remain anonymous commented; ‘It’s just rude. That study group and all their little friends just pick and choose who they like. Always running the school! Even the pets were invited. Huh. And what if I wanted to see a glowing cat?”

When asked to elaborate on the grievance with said study group, the member of staff refused to comment further and terminated the interview.

According to varied sources, there were few discrepancies when the evening’s ‘rager’ began in the apartment of student ‘Rayla Leone’. In fact, our sources went as far as commenting how seriously fun’ it turned out to be and how they had ‘needed the night off from mid-terms.’

The sources claimed there were drinking games, uno, spin the bottle, snooker, foosball and even a heated game of twister before the event turned bleak.

We know that there was originally a small amount of cheap alcohol on scene, but some basic information such as the strengths and quantities remain unknown. However, Tumblr posts claim that student ‘Britta Perry’, belonging to the aforementioned study group, was known to have brought in a good amount of ‘blue raspberry svedka’ which has been blamed for the extreme hangovers and blackouts party-goers experienced the next day.

There is also a strong likelihood that the party was mass-roofied, not unlike Greendale’s own Halloween party late last year, the events of which are still unknown despite intensive investigation and the shared experience of bite mark scars.

Many rumours are known to have arisen of a personal nature to many students and staff and yet the largest event of the night in question is a recent development in the ‘Evil Timeline Debacle.’ Troy Barnes’ glowing cat, named ‘Lightbulb’, the centre of the party, was reported missing the following morning. Not many had yet shaken off their hangovers and as such no action was taken until the later hours of the day.

The evil timeline members are said to have infiltrated the party and stolen Barnes’ ‘alien’ cat in exchange for a ransom of $1,000 and invitations to the upcoming Barnes-Nadir wedding. This wedding is allegedly platonic though evidence of this is still unclear.

The evil members were also suggested to have roofied the party in order to get away with their act.

Jeff Winger, student of law and close friend of Troy Barnes, was called upon to pay the ransom. Following his agreement the cat was returned safely to Barnes that afternoon.

In respect to the likely trauma induced by the sudden event, the Gazette Journal Mirror did not question Barnes on his experience.

Images were posted of the event but other than mere speculation no further rumour or scandal can be confirmed or denied at this current time.

Elixirs, Potions and Me - Leonard Rodriguez rumored to be in a cult for immortality.

Leonard Rodriguez (né Briggs, he changed his last name to garner the Hispanic vote during his campaign for Student Body President) has reportedly been endeavouring to attain immortality.

The evidence is finite, and his methods are unclear, yet it nevertheless remains apparent that there is certainly something occurring behind the scenes.

On his ask-blog, @leonardlikesthissite, Rodriguez often posts his Saturday events under the tag ‘Saturdays with Leonard.’

On a typical weekend, this includes activities such as swimming, clubbing, or jigsaws, (we particularly enjoyed this pizza review.) Once, he even posted about the political debate with his opponent and fellow student, ‘Magnitude.’

On this particular weekend however, Rodriguez alarmed many of his fellows and friends by posting ‘This Saturday Leonard is doing a ritual that may or may not lead to immortality!’ under his usual tag. When asked by another student ‘how’, Rodriguez denied details.

He did however hint that Greendale’s AC repair school had something to do with the ‘ritual.’

Here at the Gazette Journal Mirror, we cordially wish Leonard the best of luck with his ambitions. May our school's longest-attending student, in his own words, ‘Live, laugh love,’ for his new eternity.

An all-new update on the Winger-Perry wedding!

According to the official Greendale announcements page, run by Dean Pelton, the Winger-Perry wedding will take place in Greendale itself. This has been a source of great excitement for many of their friends and indeed those at the school, too.

Dean Pelton instructed that a repost of this statement would secure an invitation to the wedding.

There have been a few comments here and there about the current attendees and who is in the wedding party. This remains limited so we must stress that no invitations can be guaranteed in the reposting of the wedding announcement.

Further conversation about the upcoming nuptial of Winger-Perry has been unreported.

Exclusive interview with Shirley Bennett!

Interviewer: Hello there!

Bennett: Helloooo! So nice to be doing this todayy! And so exciting that the paper is making it to the interweb blogs, hehe!

Interviewer: Nice to have you. I agree, it is exciting. We’re all buzzing to go for the first release! Now, let’s talk weddings. Can you confirm that it was indeed you who incited the engagement in the first place?

Bennett: Oh yes! Of course I can, it was simply my duty to my Lord above and my friends, too. I didn’t want them to get sent to the burning place way down below all because they didn’t say a few little vows! Vows before God that is.

Interviewer: I see. And what does this union mean to you in terms of friendship?

Bennett: Well, from the start of being at Greendale I always used to say to Jeffery that two white people as cute and single as them should be together. I’m not saying I…stirrredd the pot…but I’ll say that maybe if I hadn’t said some things to Jeffery about Britta they might not even be together!

Interviewer: Would you share those details with us?

Bennett: OOooooh noooo! Heehe! It’s too personal, I can’t do that, it would be unholy. And unfriendly!

Interview: Well then, that wraps things up. Thanks for coming to our interview, Shirley!

Bennett: Thank you, and thank you, Lord and savior above!

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