#he struggles to accept himself and represses massive parts of himself

[willgrahams-dog]

transfem will graham……. listen to me… she still has stubble and she still smells of motor oil and wet dog but she’s Happy now. you don’t GET IT

[thewhumpcaretaker]

Seven Songs of Suffering: Control

I'm bigger than my body / I'm colder than this home / I'm meaner than my demons / I'm bigger than these bones And all the kids cried out, "Please stop, you're scaring me" / I can't help this awful energy / Goddamn right, you should be scared of me / Who is in control? - Halsey

Event Masterpost | Image Source

Summary: Karl Heisenberg struggles to remember who he truly is while transforming. I'm placing this somewhere in his past, before Ethan comes to the village. Maybe when he's in his early 20s. It's one of many fights he had with Mother Miranda.

CW: hurt/no-comfort, sensations of being beaten up in a mutated metal body, emotional repression, identity confusion, parent-child abuse kind of? (she's not really his mother but pretends to be so I'm tagging it)

It’s not that it hurts to transform. This is the way that his twisted body functions – it’s supposed to happen. It’s more complicated than pain. It’s that unsettling feeling, of the Cadau joining him with something that is not himself. Something enormous and abyssal that wants to swallow his mind and consume his body. The megamycete. It’s unsettling because he wants it, he craves it, he can’t stop. It corrupts even his desires until he can’t tell who he is.

It’s physical too. Something cold and unfeeling becoming a part of himself. The icy metal, a mere conductor coursing with dark energy. He can feel every scrap of aluminum, their internal filaments tingling like nerves. He’s bigger than his body. But never big enough. He needs more. More! He’s not safe yet. He’s not free yet. She still has him.

“Calm yourself, Heisenberg. You’re having a tantrum.”

“No! NO!!!! I will never let go of my hatred!!!” His voice vibrates through copper pipes pressed against his throat and steel shavings dancing like fireflies in the air, coming out magnified and strangled at the same time. This indignation is who he is, this is his last tie to his true self. He won’t accept the invasion that grips his every cell. NEVER. He will HATE.

Or is…or is that the Cadou? Is it his desire to lay down and be loved that is actually him? To please someone? A flash of a near-eradicated memory, hugging his mother’s calf as a toddler. His mother, his real mother, not Mother Miranda. The longing to please, to make her happy… Which part of him is real? Who is he?

NO! Miranda wants him to remember that!! Miranda wants him to fawn over her like that!!! He thrashes towards her, bringing down enormous metal fists – too late. She’s already gone again.

“I don’t appreciate been struck at by my son, Heisenberg. It seems you need a reminder that I am in charge of this household.”

Black wings, a storm of roots and talons. Dark branches engulf him, a briar twice the size of his own massive form. He can’t even see what’s happening.

She slams him into the ground and he shatters. The body mass of ten whole people is twisted and melted and pulverized and he can’t even feel it through the rage. He’s screaming so much. He’s screaming so he won’t cry. He’s strong. He’s brave. He’s better than her. Hold onto that. No pain. No wanting to be held. No longing for acceptance.

He’s laying on his back, the shell around him utterly broken and Miranda pouring rain over his fragile human form. But he still doesn’t let himself cry. Little does Miranda know how she’s courting her own downfall. He’ll get stronger. Even his real mother was useless. She was too weak to protect him. No one will ever protect him so he will have to protect himself. He doesn’t want a family, no. He doesn’t want to be there for anyone ever again.

Because no one has ever been there for him.

[scoobydoodean]

as a long-term cas girl and heller i want to say i am living for your destiel takes. the way some fans woobify cas drives me insane though i do think it's influenced by how the show treated him at the end. but i strongly agree cas needs to be dean's saviour and pre-decided a romantic relationship was impossible. people don't talk enough about the fact there's a massive age/culture gap between them in which cas has more power in virtually every way (if this were a m/f pairing with a human woman there would be more discourse about this imo, destiel is the m/m version of this very popular interspecies romance trope). anyway as someone who is not even a dean girl it's apparent to me that castiel is NOT a safe person for dean to love since EVER (if one interprets dean as repressing romantic feelings it's because that'd cause him even more pain than cas has already brought him).

🙏 The show absolutely treated Cas terribly, and one of the most frustrating things for me is the lack of resolution to his need to fall on a sword—how he is always trying to martyr himself and that... isn't resolved. Leaving that character note—letting it stand—is very much like letting Dean die young and bloody. Like. They both got ends they predicted in some sense, coming from a part of themselves that thought very lowly of their own worth as individuals? And I think that's extremely sad. Like. He got to confess his love and I love that, but at what cost, you know? I would absolutely love to see a canon resolution to that storyline that's satisfying and allows Cas to heal and grow out of the unilateral, lone wolf decision-maker situation.

Yeah Cas literally beat Dean bloody in an alley using his superior strength, and large swaths of destiel fandom think that's hot and it's just a big joke, but then loose their fucking minds with rage when Dean in season 10, under the influence of the MOC which is actually altering his personality, beats Castiel up using his now superior strength. The whole thing is just stupid. I actually think the age and cultural gap is something Dean struggles with a lot, and uses to excuse Cas's actions a lot, thinking he just can't understand him. Like. Dean knows Cas cares about him. The rest? It's just confusing. Like. I don't accept the actors feelings as being established canon or as forcing certain interpretations, but Jackles kind of implied he plays Dean this way—that Dean isn't sure what the things Cas does mean because he doesn't know if Cas is coming from things at the same frame of reference as him or if Cas is thinking about things from some weird angelic perspective... and Cas's actions give Dean a lot of reasons to be confused. He gives Cas a LOT of leeway over things I would have made a way bigger deal out of I think partly because of this.

It is sad that Cas isn't a person Dean could confess romantic feelings to if he has them (which—I think he does?), though I think another issue is just that. They are all always doing things. Like. They are CONSTANTLY busy with one thing after another. When would Dean ever have the space to even evaluate that, much less choose if he trusts Cas enough to tell him. Even Cas, on his side, only confessed because it presented an opportunity to save Dean (and die in the process jfc). Otherwise, it seems like he was probably cool with just... keeping silent about it forever? And I think one of the other things we don't talk about enough, is that these dudes are like... fucked up. They have PTSD. They have severe trauma, and there are a lot of emotional issues they are trying to contend with, so when exactly are they supposed to figure out whether they want to be open about romantic feelings and how? They are trying to deal with trauma from being lobotomized and tortured and possessed etc etc etc.

[etjwrites]

OC Backstory - Emotion Edition | Week 5: Free/Courage

Week 0: Introduction || Week 1: Fear || Week 2: Joy || Week 3: Disgust || Week 4: Sadness || Week 5: Anger ||

Is it over already? This was so much fun! I really enjoyed participating and reading everyone's pieces. Thanks to our wonderful hosts @cirianne and @kosmosian-quills  for putting this on! These prompts filled my mind with layers upon LAYERS of backstory, and really helped me flesh out Brom as a character. Afallon is so much better because of it! 

You probably stumbled upon something between the last prompts, that moved you. An idea that didn’t really match the prompt. A backstory character that deserved exploring. A question that stayed unanswered. For this week, I encourage you to look for these questions and explore them, write on them, and tell me about it!

In keeping with the theme of this event, I chose yet another emotion, the story behind which I'm excited to share with y'all! Brom is about 14 here. (I started writing this and it wouldn't stop. Help.) @yourocsbackstory​

“These paths look treacherous,” Brom said, glancing nervously back at the way they'd come. He and Prentice had been traversing the numerous twists and turns of Hyphantria's revered caverns for quite a while, looking for all the secret entrances. Each time they explored the maze-like tunnels, they went a little farther, a little deeper.

Prentice waved a hand dismissively. “I've a sure foot.” He tapped the top of his boots with his walking staff. “Furthermore, how often have we quested here? These caves are as familiar as mine own hands.”

“We left familiar behind two chambers ago,” Brom reminded his friend. “I'm actively adding to our map as we progress.”

“If on the map, 'tis familiar,” Prentice rejoined. “No matter how new the path may be.” He patted the crystal-studded wall to his left. “In fact, I almost feel at home.”

“The whispering,” Brom said, unease, twisting in his chest. “It's stopped.”

Prentice quirked his head, listening. “Why so it has,” he said, brows knitting together before sheer panic stamped itself onto his features. “Brom, run!” He turned and dashed back through the tunnel, Brom following, the both of them slipping and sliding and cutting themselves against the sharp-edged walls.

Beneath their feet, the earth started to rumble, and dread seized Brom's heart. Would they die down here in the bowels of Hyphantria, ground into dust by the ceiling collapsing upon them? He pushed faster, past Prentice, towards the sparkling glimmer that marked one of the other large chambers whose tunnels would lead them back to the surface.

A sharp cry made him whip around and jerk to a stop. Prentice had fallen, struggling to regain his feet amidst the wobbling, unstable ground. A stalactite shook loose and crashed to the ground just where his head would have been, had he not managed to roll away in time.

Brom staggered towards him, hand outstretched, when the earth shook mightily.

Prentice flung himself at Brom.

Too late.

With a great, groaning sigh, the floor gave way, and Prentice tumbled deep into the newly formed crevasse.

“Prentice!” Brom screamed, dropping to his hands and knees, swaying with the sudden shuddering of cavern. He called his name again, peering desperately into the dark. But while the softly glowing crystal shards that lined the Shalott caves could well enough light the paths and tunnels they'd been exploring, their gentle luminescence was unable to penetrate the deep, yawning blackness that fell away in front of him.

He called again and again, but there was no answer. Either his friend had fallen so far he could not hear him, or he been knocked insensible upon landing. Neither scenario was desirable, and Brom squeezed his abruptly burning eyes shut, refusing to consider the possibility that Prentice might be gone.

No. He had to be alive. Had to be alright.

Ominous rumbles filled the sharp-toothed cavern, more stalactites falling during a particularly vicious quake.

The wisest thing to do would be to run, to flee to the next chamber and worm his way through one of the escape tunnels until he could see the sky once more.

But Brom couldn't leave Prentice here to die. He would be the worst kind of coward if he did that. His first and only friend in all of Hyphantria, who risked all manner of danger to sneak him across the boarder on occasions such as these, and showed him many of the wonders his mother's country had to offer. Brom would save him. Or die trying.

“Give me strength,” he prayed. He thrust trembling hands into his pack, withdrawing his climbing rope.  He kept up the silent prayers. He felt so utterly alone, the jarring earthquake shaking and horribly distorting the natural light of the caves so he could barely walk. “Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,” he breathed, reciting the verses over and over even as his hands shook so much he could barely fasten the clips in place.

Brom tugged hard on the rope once he had tied it off, looping it around for added strength. He looped his climbing pick around his hands, aware he could lose a limb if it snagged in the wrong place, at the wrong time, yet horribly afraid to lose his means of retreat. With one of the picks he struck the vibrating wall, breaking off some crystals, which he tied about his arms.

“Prentice!” he called once more, and again received no answer. “Please be alive,” Brom prayed. “I need a miracle right now.”

Then he turned around, and—clinging to the ropes—lowered himself into the black abyss.

Brom descended for long minutes, the crystals lashed about him providing the faintest light. He steadily climbed deeper, the glow from the ceiling above diminishing until it felt like a distant memory.

This far down it was cold. The quake continued to rage, and Brom grew ever aware of a powerful thirst that made dizzy. But he dared not let go of the rope, not even to slake his needs.

His feet touched ground. He'd reached a small ledge.

Brom relaxed for half a moment, and then a terrible jolt flung him off its crumbling edge. He hit the other side of the crevasse hard, the breath knocking out of him and leaving him gasping as the rope tied around his middle yanked him to a stop. He hung there, dangling in the air, fingers barely able to brush either side.

Thankfully his picks had stayed attached, so he struck out with them, painfully aware that he'd run out of rope, and yet hadn't found Prentice. Brom gulped. He would have to climb up again and unloop the rope.

Ascending seemed to take twice as long, and Brom's arms were shaking when he reached the top. Everything was cast in an eerie blue and white glow, and Brom could feel that time was running out. If he didn't find Prentice soon, the falling stalactites might well block their path home.

Once he had the rope unfurled to its full length, Brom ventured once more into the place that had swallowed his friend. He passed the spot where he'd had to stop before and kept going, deeper, and deeper, the chill of the abyss freezing him to his bones.

And there!

Prentice's walking stick was wedged into a narrow part of the crevasse, two bloodied hands clinging to it.

Brom started crying.

One of Prentice's hands slipped, and he swore at Brom. “I didn't hold on this long for you to lose heart at the finish!” His voice was horse, likely from screaming. The shock had hit each of them in different ways it seemed.  

Ignoring his friend's harsh words, words that were driven by the terror in Prentice's eyes, Brom rappelled down closer. He gathered up the slack in the rope and looped it around Prentice's waist, securing it using a knot his father had once taught him.

“You can let go,” he said, testing the rope to make sure it still held fast.

“I confess, I cannot,” Prentice said, shaking his head minutely. His clothes were torn to shreds, like he'd scraped against the walls the whole way down until his stick had caught, and he had cuts and freshly-formed bruises adorning his entire body. One of his eyes was swollen shut, a jagged cut bisecting it that stretched from his cheek to his temple.

“One hand at a time,” Brom said, getting his hand under Prentice's and shifting it from the stick to his shoulder. He did the same with the other, and the next instant Prentice was clinging to him, limpet-tight.

A massive shudder rocked the cave at that moment, and the gap widened, Prentice's stick dislodging and spinning away into the darkness.

If I had been but a moment later, Brom thought, unable to repress the full-body shiver that twitched through him. He slid one of his picks into Prentice's hand, slipping the loop over his wrist twice.

“You must help me climb, I have not the the strength to lift us both.”

“Aye, 'tis time that I cease clutching you like a babe,” Prentice said, the words meant to be joking. The fine tremour in his voice spoiled the effect.

They struck out together, Prentice and Brom, inching their way up until they reached the cavern floor. Mercifully, the distressing bucking had stopped, and they lay on the rubble-strewn ground until they caught their breath.

“Thank Heaven,” Brom uttered aloud, and Prentice nodded solemnly along.

“You saved my life, Brom,” he said.

They rose to their feet and began the arduous, limping walk back to the escape tunnels.

“I owe you a great debt. I should never have placed you in this position. I . . . I almost killed you. I would not have begrudged you had you fled and left me behind.”

“I wanted to,” Brom admitted, shame flushing his skin. “At first. I was so afraid.”

“But you did not.” Prentice paused for a moment and clapped Brom on the shoulder before they resumed their trek. “I really thought I would die. I screamed and screamed, but you didn't answer. Or I couldn't hear a response amidst the earth's pain. The longer I held on, the more I began to wonder if I were mad for simply not accepting my fate. I had myself near about convinced that I should just let go.”

“Then I saw you, descending into the pit like the Archangel Michael himself. You could have died rescuing me. You looked as terrified as I felt. But still you threw yourself into the unknown. For me. In the greater world, we are yet seen as boys, but Brom—I tell you truly—you are the bravest man I've ever known.”

They turned a corner, and the bright sun greeted them.

Additional thanks to everybody who has read and commented on my work for this event. Y'all rock!

Tag Crew: @adie-dee @writtendevastation @catharticallysarcastic @francestroublr @crystallized-ink

[jageunyeoujari]

‘idea’ & self-knowledge as love as freedom

w thanks to @radiatingdyke​​ & henrik !!

so in a previous post, i talked abt spectacle & respect in criminal for context. now starting off w henrik’s thoughts re: plato:

"It’s honestly pretty ambiguous what Plato means by it- at least in the republic- The core theory is that ideal forms are a truer kind of reality than the shadows. The philosopher escapes a cave of shadows projected on the wall by a ruling class, the only “reality” they ever knew and were literally bound to. They crawl through a treacherous passage to find themselves face to face with the dazzling light of the sun which blinds them temporarily, and as their eyes adjust they find themselves in a forest and realize the shadow puppet of “tree” was not the real tree all along! For what the shadows are: Idk how developed popular media/conventional politics were at the time but we (America) based a lot of our shit on it so I think one strong possibility is we find ourselves in a modern allegory of the cave where the shadows dancing on the wall are the world as it’s told to us- through news education and policy and the “real” is personal experience and genuine community. Then shadows would then be actual reality as we know it, including the real trees and personal experience, a veil placed over us by metaphysical forces which can be lifted through Godwork to reveal the true nature of the inner workings of the universe. The last part of the allegory is that the philosopher returns to the cave to free the other prisoners and spread the light”

so while criminal is the revelation in the toxic cycle of the idol culture & mutual destruction & obsession are confused for love, idea is making the decision to learn what true love & connection is, leaving behind the suffocating expectations demanded by the industry, & in the process, become complete in his humanity.

so we first see taemin in jail, condemning himself for his role in the toxic parasocial relations of idol culture, and literally... calling himself out.... altho i would say that this:

in criminal is purgatory proper, the jail may be the end point of his journey there. he confesses his sins, his soul gets purified, & then next we see him in the bar which is confirmed to be heaven (which happens to look much like lee soo man's office) while the flashy models stare at taemin, the walking dead, the posh people in suits (likely executives) ignore him. 

so here we have taemin trying to fit in seemlessly in this world of the elites who have the highest level of control in the idol industry. here, he is assured his status as the best & now guaranteed to be free of pain... but on their terms. there is shallow comfort but nothing else. the others content w playing games & eating delicacies, surrounded by alcohol, but are contained to sitting, indulging in frivolities, & passively looking on but no chance of connection. the bar is just another form of intoxication, but unlike criminal where there is at least an illusion of attaining love, heaven is merely stagnant. this idealized heaven of the elites cannot give true freedom as it is based on sterility & exclusivity, just another form of social control. "the dangerous dream that swallowed me is proven by you." staying here would be another form of self-betrayal & denial of the love he seeks so he rebels against heaven through his dancing, an affirmation of his life.

taemin then being shocked that all these shadow versions of himself are not the truth... silvery dissolving forms... his identity fragmenting............ but still taemin still can't break away from the illusion that the adoration & fame he receives as an idol could be actually hurting him.

as @radiatingdyke has talked about, BoA's 'killing me' line is reminiscent of korean shamans channeling gods. significant that it is BoA who he channels as they are both similar, debuting at a very young age & have been massive stars ever since then. "you are my messiah" BoA cuts him off, speaking the truth. this isn't who he rly is or what he actually wants. he must face himself & the truth or he will die. 

the mirror steps are i think symbolic of plato's ladder of love. to my understanding, the ladder of love is basically about how the aim of life is the ascension of the soul to heaven. the gods can do this as a god's soul is in perfect balance w all the different aspects of itself which makes them necessarily wise & good. humans' souls are in disarray, however, & it is this conflict between all parts of the soul which makes it difficult for us to follow the gods to heaven. to do this, people have to understand the true Form of beauty, by climbing the ladder of love. the steps start from loving a body which one is attracted to due to physical beauty & by understanding the beauty of this body, one can then consider how the beauty of one body is found in all bodies. the progression goes on from loving more broadly until we come to the last step, love of knowledge & wisdom. now one is able to see the actual form of Beauty, bringing harmony to your soul. so in order to taemin to finally know peace within himself, he has to know how to love.

& the progression of the ladder implies for me that by first learning to care for others but understanding who they are in their completeness & beauty, you eventually are able to learn to care for yourself & see the beauty in your own soul. & on the flip side, the better able you care for yourself, the more you are able to care for others. i'll discuss this more when i go into my thoughts on act 2 as a whole but basically, the rest of act 2 has a truly warm & loving atmosphere when taemin speaks to the other. in comparison, act 1 presents his experience of 'love' as enmeshment, painful, confusing, losing his self of sense to cater to the desires of the other. there are feelings of obligation to stay in this destructive relationship bc that’s his prescribed role & anyway, any attention is better than none at all. 

ppl w a poor sense of self can readily suffer mistreatment for the sake of a semblance of connection, confusing obsession for love when what’s rly happening is actually cathexis, an investment of emotions. while care & affection can exist w cathexis, as does happen in fans’ relations w idols, this is not the same thing as love which liberates & cultivates growth in yourself & the other. fans’ obsession w idols quickly flipping to hate when idols stray from the designated persona of perfection is investment in that image but is not real love. in act 1, he does not understand the other clearly for what it is, destruction that must end, & the fact that he is suffering. without such awareness, he is incapable of truly giving & receiving love. 

& while act 2 does have similar themes of taking on other's pain, it becomes a stark contrast to act 1 bc he does so from a place of utter assurance of his identity & true self-love, not from the fear of being left alone. he loves himself for who he is so he is able to love for ourselves purely as well.

& as @radiatingdyke has said (& in much more detail than i can) the ladder reflecting the sky can also be a reference to indigenous korean beliefs where the sky represents the entire universe. the creator god is Hanulnim, literally sky god.  

 also, even tho NGDA as a whole is replete w western imagery & references & v catholic, the overarching narrative of the 2 albums don't feel western to me in that there never is a fight between good & evil. a typical western narrative would be more like there would the defeat of like 'criminal' taemin by 'good' taemin or an obvious redemption arc. & to me, idea doesn't read so much as he confronts & then accepts both the good & the bad in him but that he leaves behind these limited concepts altogether & instead connects back to the true essence of the universe & becomes free to be utterly himself.

he’s struggled so much over the course of his career w figuring out how to reconcile the duality of himself, what it means to be authentic as an idol, wishing for his true self to be seen & appreciated. it’s always been looking outward for that validation but skirting away from revealing the whole truth of himself... & idea is the final answer to all that. no more denial, repression, burning away of the past, configuration to other ppl’s desires, no more use of mystery as a defense against the fear of being rejected if people see him for who he really is. he accepts himself for who he is & that’s all that matters.

in classic gaytholic taem fashion, he compares himself to jesus + mary + other divinity in NGDA imagery but ultimately, taemin is done w being both a god & the condemned. “i’ve finally opened my eyes.” he’s never been anything but a human being & he’s showing us all the beauty in that.

[luffles424]

Lucidity (4)

☼ Pairing: BTS x reader (this chapter is Jimin x reader)

☼ Genre: vampire!BTS, succubus!reader, smut, little bit of fluff, angst (a little bit here, but uhh, it’s coming and I’m sorry)

☼ Count: 5.3K

☼ Warnings: praise kink, oral (f receiving), fingering, tiny bit of body worship, multiple orgasms, unprotected sex, creampie, minorish blood play (it’s a vampire fic so like, there’s some feeding), teasing, soft sex (honestly, after Joon’s chapter this is super sweet)

☼ Summary: You’ve spent years jumping from country to country, starting countless new lives. Crafting new lives is as easy as breathing for you, lies flowing easily and people are charmed with a simple bat of your eyes. When you meet a witch who offers the idea of opening a supernatural club, using your powers combined with hers to ensure safety to those who enter, you decide to join her in an adventure that is entirely new to you. But your new life in Seoul is drastically changed when you’re forced to face something you’ve spent centuries hiding from. But just because you might be running for your life again doesn’t mean you can’t have some fun along the way, right?

☼ a/n: I’m SO SO SO sorry this took so long to come out! I’m going to try my best to get the next chapter out soon! That one is going to be a little more plot heavy cause we bout to get really into it. As always, let me know what you think! My ask box is always open ~ 💙💙💙💙

Masterlist | Series Masterlist | Previous

You roll your shoulders, staring at the kettle of boiling water in front of you tiredly. While you’d never openly admit it, your encounter with Namjoon a few weeks ago still has you slightly rattled. You know just how long Namjoon has had to let this hatred fester and that that night was a culmination of repressed feelings finally getting an outlet and your sudden proximity to him after all this time. And you’re a little nervous of what another private encounter with him may bring. You’re honestly not sure which way it would go next time. 

You’ve been battling with yourself whether it’s still worth meeting up with Jin and Jungkook. They’re getting incredibly close and comfortable with you and that level of familiarity after all this time alone has you wanting to pack your bags and move away. It’s been so long and they so easily accepted you, without any regard for your past when they have all the reason to believe you to be the worst. Ari is the closest person to you, she’s the closest you’ve let anyone get to you in a long while and yet you still keep her at arms length. She never asks or pries about your past, but you know she’s curious. 

You’re glad that the boys have been so busy that they haven’t had as much time to come over because you’re certain if they had the time that they’d be over constantly.  You shake that line of thought off, this is meant to be your night to relax, and grab the kettle when it’s ready, pouring it into your waiting mug, then lean back against the counter while you wait for your tea to steep. You wonder what the boys are up to, you haven’t heard from them in a couple days aside from one of them dropping by the club when you weren’t there. Ari told you the next day that someone had stopped by looking for you. 

Your thoughts are interrupted by someone pounding on your door and you have to bite back the laughter of you apparently summoning them by thought when you hear Jungkook’s voice calling for you to open the door. Speak of the devil indeed.

You chew your lip, debating if you want to even answer the door or if you’re just going to pretend you’re not home, tonight was supposed to be about you after all. However, before you can come to any sort of decision, you hear a beep and then your door is being flung open.

“Noona, you really can’t pretend you’re not home when we can literally hear your heartbeat.” Jungkook laughs as he rounds the corner into the kitchen, wide grin stretching his lips. 

You huff and roll your eyes, turning to your tea and irritatedly stirring the tea bag around. “How did you even get in?”

Jin rounds the corner next, looking smug and holds a finger up. “I programmed my fingerprint last time I was here.”

You give him a flat look, you should’ve known he didn’t drop something at the door. “That sounds like a massive invasion of privacy.”

He shrugs, pulling you in for a hug and kissing your head and you struggle to keep the smile off your face. You refuse to acknowledge the fondness you feel at the gesture. “Yeah, well. It was so I could surprise you sometime, but it was more important to use it now. Besides, like Kook said, I can hear your heartbeat and that’s just as much an invasion of privacy to know when you’re home.”

You snort and shove him away with a laugh. You’re about to respond when movement in the doorway catches your attention and you lean around Jin to see someone else standing there, fidgeting nervously. Jungkook moves beside the other man, holding his hands up in an attempt to keep you calm as he sees the panic in your eyes. 

“It’s okay, noona! Jiminie came with us. He knows, it’s cool.” He bats his eyes at you, trying to look innocent and you’re more angry that it works than the fact that they brought a stranger to your home. 

Jimin gulps, but gives a small, tentative wave. “I’ve um… been friends with incubus for a while. Namjoon-hyung I don’t think knows about it. They don’t have much opportunity to interact often and when they do, it’s in places with so many people that there’s really no way to pick up what someone else may be unless you’re looking for it. So I knew that there were other reasons for what he said. And Jungkook hasn’t been drinking as much from bags so I knew something was up and asked him about it.” He pauses and bites his lip. “Uh, if my being here makes you uncomfortable, I can leave. Jungkook said it was fine if I came with to watch movies.”

Jungkook smiles sheepishly at you after the blame is put on him. He turns to Jimin, shooing him towards the living room and ushering Jin with him. “Why don’t you both go find a movie to watch while I talk to noona.” The two leave and Jungkook waits until you hear their soft voices coming from the living room before stepping closer and lowering his voice so the others can’t overhear. “Okay, please don’t be mad. But Jiminie has been really stressed and stuck in his head lately and I was hoping you could work some of your magic to relax him.” He gives you a hopeful, if sheepish, smile, like he already can hear the reprimand from you.

You raise an eyebrow, giving him the most unimpressed look you can. You decide to humor him for a moment. “And what, exactly, do you think this so called “magic” is that I can do to make him relax?”

Jungkook’s cheeks turn pink and he glances away under your scrutiny. Oh if they others weren’t in the other room right now, you’d ruin that shy face. “Uh, well I mean, he really likes cuddling. So you could just do that. But I’m sure he could use some extra fun and praise.” 

You smirk, stepping closer and letting your hand run lightly up his arm, you just can’t resist teasing him when he’s being so shy around you like this. “Oh? Extra fun? Did you have something in mind for some fun for me and Jimin to have, baby?”

Jungkook flushes darker, shifting slightly as his bottom lip juts out in a pout. “Noona… stop.” He whines. “Tonight is meant to be for Jiminie.”

You hum thoughtfully, running your fingers through his hair with affection before you boop his nose, turning from him. “I suppose we’ll see then.” You say over your shoulder as you grab your tea and leave the room. 

You enter your living room to see Jin sprawled across your love seat already, taking up the space so that you’ll be forced to sit closer to Jimin. You realize the two fuckers planned this together. He’s idly scrolling through movie choices on the screen, the perfect picture of relaxation and comfort with his surroundings. Jimin in contrast sits stiffly on the couch, looking like he’d rather be anywhere but here. You feel a little bad, sure that his discomfort is in part your fault and your less than warm welcome to him. 

You still feel a little iffy on Jungkook’s plan and if Jin had his hands in on it too, then you’re inclined to be even more leery of it, but you’re willing to at least get to know Jimin more and see where the evening goes. It’s not like you can do much else with them here now. The thought to just kick them out never even crosses your mind. 

You sit yourself down next to him, setting your mug on the coffee table and noting the way he tries to subtly shift further away from you, though he’s blocked by the arm of the couch from moving too far. You notice Jin’s smug smile as he continues to look for a movie and you take the opportunity to throw one of the pillows behind you at him. He flails as it hits him, nearly sliding off his seat in his attempt to get the pillow off his face. He glares at you and you beam back.

“There’s too many pillows over here. You’ve got plenty of room over there.” You say matter-of-factly, like you were just being logical about the seating and space.

“You’re taking too long to pick a movie. Just put something on already.” Jungkook adds as he finally takes his place on your other side.

He gets himself comfortable before he’s manhandling you around so you’re resting back against his chest, effectively forcing you to face Jimin on the other end of the couch. You want to tease Jungkook about the manhandling, but his hum of content and movement from Jimin stops you. Jimin seems to curl into himself under your gaze, pulling his legs up onto the couch and wrapping his arms around them, making himself as small and out of the way as possible. 

Jin finally selects a movie, one that Jungkook loudly protests watching and the two bicker in low voices as the opening credits start. You choose not to intervene, it’s what they deserve for stealing away your peaceful evening and with Jimin here, the boundaries are new and unclear and so you have no other way to interrupt the two. Even if you did, which you probably do, you’re feeling a little petty. Jimin watches the screen quietly, adding nothing to the fight, but you see the small, fond smile that tugs at his lips as they continue to argue. 

As the movie progresses, Jimin begins to relax more and by the time the credits begin, he’s slumped back against the couch, hands folded loosely in his lap. Jin starts to look for another movie for you all to watch. While Jungkook starts to argue that it’s his turn to pick, you realize this is the best time to check how Jimin’s doing and if he’s growing comfortable enough and open to more. You stretch a leg out to gently nudge Jimin’s thigh with your foot. He glances at it before turning his attention back to the screen where Jin is cycling quickly through options and laughing as Jungkook whines about not being able to read the options because Jin is scrolling too quickly. 

You huff, of course he would be stubborn, he’s friends with the two arguing idiots in the room. You really shouldn’t be surprised. You reach out to nudge him again and he finally turns his attention to you, plush lips pulled down in a frown. He tilts his head questioningly and you shift slightly, holding your arm out in invitation for him to join you and Jungkook. His brows crease in confusion as his eyes trace along your open arms before coming back to rest on your face. You can see the longing in his eyes and so you wiggle your fingers enticingly, did he not realize that you were trying to keep from drawing the others attention? He glances at the other two men who are still busy arguing about what to watch next and are paying the two of you no mind. 

Finally he shifts, slowly squirming his way between you and the back of the couch until he can rest his head on your chest. You feel his small exhale of content and you hide your smile as you let your arms drape around him, letting your fingers thread through his hair. You idly scratch at his scalp and Jimin practically melts against you. 

You beltatedly realize how quiet the room’s gotten and you look up to be met with Jin’s smug but pleased grin and you’re sure if you looked behind you that Jungkook has a similar expression. You choose to ignore them, not wanting to disturb Jimin who seems to finally be relaxing and instead turn your focus to the screen where the next movie has started. 

You get 10 minutes into the movie before Jimin distracts you. His arm wraps around your middle and a pleased hum rumbles in his chest where it’s pressed against your side. Jungkook wasn’t kidding about him liking cuddles apparently. You have to admit, he’s a pretty great cuddle partner too. You continue to run your fingers through his hair and he shifts to bury his face in your chest. You wonder how much of the movie he’s even been paying attention to. You were fairly certain that he had fallen asleep, but a few minutes later, you catch a whine bubble out of him as he suddenly shifts his hips away from your thigh. 

“Hey, Kook. I’m hungry. Let’s go pick up some food for everyone.” Jin says suddenly, startling both you and Jimin, who lifts his head to blink at the elder like he just remembered that there are other people in the room. 

Jungkook nods enthusiastically, jostling you slightly as he slips out from behind you. “Yeah, let’s go. We’ll bring stuff back for you guys!” He calls out quickly as they both leave.

The slam of the door plunges your apartment into a charged silence, broken only by the steady noise coming from the movie on the TV. When the elevator takes Jin and Jungkook too far down for you to hear their conversation anymore, you turn your focus back to Jimin who has tensed back up. You give him a moment to see if he’ll relax again now that the others are gone but when his shoulders remain stiff, you decide to do something to help. 

Focusing a little, you push out a small wave of calmness. It’s been a while since you used this specific emotion on someone. The room feels warmer, the atmosphere growing cozy as your power diffuses into the air. Jimin melts against you once again, shoulders quickly losing their tension.

“I know what you’re doing. Taemin does the same thing when I’m stressed.” He murmurs, lifting his head to glare at you. His lips push out in a pout, fully ruining his attempt to look any sort of disgruntled and you have to fight the urge to pinch his cheek and call him cute.

You bat your eyes at him sweetly. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” You grin, scratching at his scalp.

His eyes flutter and he hums in delight, head dropping back to lay on your chest. “It’s not nice to lie, you know.” 

You give his hair a playful tug, surprisingly earning you an airy gasp. Jimin stills and before he can tense back up, you let your hand slid down to the back of his neck, giving him a comforting squeeze. 

“You seem tense, Jiminie. Why don’t you let me give you a massage.” You coo, fingers already moving to dig into the muscle of his shoulders.

He shakes his head. “N-no. I’m okay. You don’t have to.”

“It’s not nice to lie, you know.” You mimic with a smirk. “I don’t mind sweetheart. I wouldn’t offer if I didn’t want to.”

He lifts his head again to squint at you, eyes alight with suspicion. “Why would you want to?”

You raise an eyebrow, letting your hand drift down so you can squeeze at his bicep. “Are you kidding me? Do you think I’d really miss the chance to get my hands all over this?”

He flushes, gaze immediately darting away. “I… Uh, I mean… I guess if you want? I’m used to this around concerts from the members…”

“Then it sounds like you really deserve a treat from all those men doing it.” 

Jimin flushes further, jerking to sit up so he can shake his hands in the negative. “No! No no, that’s not what I meant!” He runs his hand through his hair, sitting back on his heels. He looks completely flustered. He stutters a few times trying to come up with something before he trails off, at a loss for words. 

You sit up with him, sliding around so you sit behind him. “You deserve to relax Jiminie. You work so hard.” You let a little more calm out, gently tugging Jimin’s shirt up and off, letting it drop to the floor. You nudge him a little, encouraging him to lay down on his stomach. He goes fairly willingly, but you can see the resistance still sitting in the set of his shoulders. You trail your hands lightly up his back as you settle yourself on his thighs. “You deserve to be taken care of too sweetheart.” You coo in a low voice.

Jimin seems to cede to your wishes, making no further protests to the turn of events. You work methodically through the knots in his back, listening to his little sighs and groans and adjusting your pressure to the nonverbal cues you gather from him. You work slowly, reveling in the way he turns to absolute putty under your hands. You wonder how long it’s been since he’s really given himself the chance to fully relax, especially at the hands of someone else. 

You get to his lower back, thumbs firm on either side of his spine when you notice it. The way his hips have begun to shift against the couch, the subtle change in the pitch of his sighs, the way his thighs squirm beneath you. The cloying feeling of arousal brushes against your skin and you swallow thickly at the potent smell. You slide your hands back up, just to draw them back down, letting your nails lightly scratch at his back. He shudders and you bring your hands to rest lightly on the swell of his ass. 

“Feeling better, sweetheart?” Jimin squirms slightly, but nods nonetheless. You grin. “Do you need anything else, sweetheart? I’m here to help.”

Jimin remains silent and so you begin to slowly knead his ass. Your fingers dig in and he lets out a moan. Moving back up, your fingertips dance along his spine and he whines. 

“Hmm? Something wrong, sweetheart? If you need something, speak up.” 

“I-” He buries his face in the couch. You let him take his time, hands rubbing soothingly along his back, occasionally dipping to his ass. Eventually he mumbles something into the cushions that you don’t quite catch, but you know enough to know what he’s asking for. 

“A little louder please, baby. I didn’t catch that.”

He groans clearly embarrassed at having to voice his wants, but lifts his head dutifully, studiously staring down at the couch. “Can I eat you out?” He mutters.

Your eyebrows raise in surprise, you certainly hadn’t expected that to be his request. “Are you sure sweetheart? That’s what you want?”

He nods and you can see his ears turning red. You slide off of him, pressing against his side and tilting his face so he’s forced to look at you. His gaze darts around nervously, like he’s waiting for you to say no to his request. He looks two seconds away from taking it back so you press a gentle kiss to his lips. You wait for him to relax enough for you to maneuver you both around so that you can slip underneath him. You kiss languidly, his lips soft and full and you could spend the rest of the night beneath him just doing this and feel satisfied. When you think about his request and where that means his lips will go, you gently tug him away. Who are you to deny him what he wants?

“Go on sweetheart. Do what you want.”

He blinks at you for a moment, words processing slowly before his eyes light up with excitement and he moves quickly backwards. He tugs your shorts and underwear off so fast that you worry for a moment about them ripping, but Jimin parting your legs once they’re free of the fabric sufficiently distracts from all worries about your clothing. He curses under his breath as he stares almost ravenously at your newly exposed cunt. He licks his lips and before you can make a comment about his staring, he pushes your shirt up and presses a kiss to your belly, earning a startled gasp from you. His mouth traces a leisurely path down your stomach, nipping at one hip then the other. He leaves a trail of kisses down one thigh, reaching your knee before switching to the other leg. The methodic way he moves his lips and tongue across your skin leaves you feeling warm all over, pleasure simmering just below the surface wherever he touches.

Finally, after what feels like an eternity, he dips down to press a wet kiss your clit, earning a moan from you. His tongue darts out, circling your clit. He groans at your taste, tongue slipping further down to lap at your hole to get more of your taste. He traces random patterns between the two points, lingering just enough at one spot for your toes to begin to curl before moving onto a different spot. 

You moan, tangling your fingers in his hair and attempting to direct him where you want him, but it seems that at the moment he’s unwilling to listen, losing himself in eating you out. You bite back a whine when he stubbornly doesn’t move, his tongue gradually driving you crazy with need. Jungkook’s comments from earlier come back and you know the perfect way to get him to listen.

“Fuck, sweetheart. You’re doing such a good job. You’re so good.” You shower him with praise, his actions picking up the more you encourage him. He eventually shifts lower again, focusing on circling your hole, occasionally dipping the tip of his tongue in. 

You let him have his fun for a moment longer before finally growing tired of his teasing. “Sweetheart, be a good boy for me and don’t tease.” 

He glances up at you with hazy eyes before they slide closed and his tongue finally pushes into you. You let out a drawn out curse when his tongue reaches much deeper than you expect it to. You’re suddenly very glad that you didn’t press the issue of Jimin’s request to eat you out. 

You gasp and squirm as he begins to thrust his tongue into you, the length allowing him to drag against your g spot everytime he pulls his tongue out. As you squirm more, his fingers dig into your thighs tight enough to bruise to keep your legs still. He fucks you with his tongue and for all that you’re a succubus and meant to be in charge here right now, you feel almost powerless under the expert way his tongue twists and presses against all the right spots. 

“God, Jimin… Baby, you’re doing such- such a good job.” You moan, tugging at his hair. 

He makes a happy noise against you, shifting against the couch. His tongue slips out and his plush lips wrap around your clit again as one hand abandons your thigh in favor of slipping two fingers into you. A few pumps of his fingers coupled with his mouth working your clit, you cum with a cry, thighs clamping around his head and keeping him in place as you ride out your orgasm. His movements slow, fingers slipping gently out as you come down, carefully prying your legs apart to keep you from smothering him. 

It takes you a moment to regain your breath and notice the way his slick lips are brushing against the inside of your thigh and once you notice, you can feel the hot puffs of air against your sensitive skin and you can feel the hunger in the air.

He gulps, tongue darting out to lick his lips, brushing against your skin in the process. “Y-y/n?” He murmurs, hesitant.

You can already guess at what exactly it is that he wants to ask. But rather than answer you decide to tease him a little. “Yes, sweetheart?”

He glances at you before flushing and glancing away. You really want to squish his cheeks and call him cute, no one should look that shy and adorable with a tongue like that and his chin still shiny. He fidgets under your gaze. 

“Jiminie, I can’t help if you don’t tell me what you want.”

He takes a deep breath, staring at some point just past your thigh, temptingly laid out before him like a buffet. “Um.. Can I…” He rubs gently at the spot where your blood pumps closest to the surface. “Can I feed?”

You brush your fingers gently through his hair. “Of course, sweetheart.”

His eyes light up and his lips brush reverently across the skin of your thigh, leaving goosebumps in its wake. You shudder, you’d be lying if you said you this wasn’t one of your favorite parts of sleeping with a vampire. Maybe you should look into that later. His tongue dips out, tracing your artery and you’d laugh at how his process mimics wine tasters if it was so incredibly eroctic to watch him be so delicate and tender about this. Like you’ve given him some grand gift and he has to take his time with it. He peppers kisses across the bruises he left and you suddenly feel tears sting your eyes at the gentle way he’s handling you. 

Finally, you feel his fangs graze your skin, just for a brief moment. Then they’re pressing in with a momentary sharp pain that’s quickly replaced with that familiar euphoric feeling. You moan as Jimin takes slow, greedy gulps, savoring each drop of your blood that slides down his throat. You’d squirm at the way your body tingles, pussy dripping a fresh wave of slick but Jimin has you pinned down with no effort at all on his part and that just makes it even hotter. 

He pulls away and you feel dizzy with need. He laps at the last few drops that well from the puncture marks before they seal themselves. He licks his lips clean, eyes closed in bliss. 

“Sweetheart.” He looks up at you with hooded eyes and you smirk. “Fuck me.”

He lets out a noise somewhere between a groan and a whine and is quickly moving up your body, shoving his pants down just enough to get his cock out. You giggle at his eagerness to hide how just the sight of his cock is enough to make you want to pin him down and ride him until he cries. Your giggle earns you a pout and sad eyes from Jimin. You coo, cupping his face.

“It’s okay sweetheart.” You sooth, drawing him close to press a kiss to his lips and he tastes of an intoxicating mix of your blood and cum. “I’m glad you’re so eager. You’re such a good boy.”

His chest puffs out with pride as he quickly returns to the task of lining himself up, his tip prods at your hole but he pauses, glancing back to you. You wrap your legs around his waist, digging your heels into his ass to get him moving. He gets the message quickly, thrusting all the way in, head dropping to rest against your shoulder. He pauses for a moment and you wonder if it’s for your benefit or his. 

You give him a small reprieve before you squirm slightly and Jimin pushes himself upright and pulls back, cock sliding almost all the way out before he’s thrusting back in. He sets a fast pace and you can tell he’s been keeping his stress pent up from the way his fingers flex on your hips, the way he stares down at where he’s disappearing inside you. 

You run a hand lightly across his forearm. “Go on sweetheart, take what you need. You know I can take it.”

He gulps, glances down then back up to you. “Are you… sure?”

You smirk, tongue running across your bottom lip. “Jimin, I’m over 600 years old and literally a sex demon. Trust me,” you pause and squeeze his arm. “I can take whatever you’ve got and more.”

He chews on his lip for a moment, you can see the battle happening in his mind. You want to roll your eyes, but instead you push out just a little extra dose of lust into the room and Jimin’s reaction is instant. His hips jerk forward and he moans. His fingers tighten brusingly on your hips as he quickly speeds up his thrusts. His head drops back, eyes closed in pleasure. 

“There you go, sweetheart. That’s it, let go.” You gasp out as his thrusts grow rougher, hand sliding down your belly to rub at your clit.

“I-” He groans and shudders. “Gonna… Can I cum?” He whines, jaw tense.

“Aw, sweetheart, look at you being so good and asking.” Jimin nods frantically, nails biting into your skin. You’d draw this out more, but with the feeding and his rough thrusts, you’re about to cum again. And Jimin’s been so well behaved that you decide that he deserves a treat. “Of course. You’ve been so good for me. Cum for me sweetheart.”

Jimin throws one of your legs over his shoulder, leans down so it presses to your chest and murmurs a quiet ‘thank you’ before he captures your lips in a messy kiss. You moan into his mouth, fingers speeding up as you feel yourself getting close. 

Jimin whines, feeling you beginning to tighten around him and his murmured ‘please cum’ pushes you over the edge, pussy spasming around his cock. He gets a few more thrusts in before he’s gasping into your mouth as his entire body shudders. You feel him pulse within you, filling you up. 

He collapses on top of you, letting your leg slide off his shoulder. He pants against the skin of your chest and you let your fingers run gently through his hair as you murmur about what a good job he did. 

His softening cock slips out of you and he readjusts so he’s cuddled up to you more comfortably, head still on your chest. You both remain mostly quiet, enjoying the peacefulness that has suffused the apartment and you don’t realize how much time has passed until you hear Jin and Jungkook coming back down the hallway. Jimin seems to have either not noticed or doesn’t care to notice, although you’re fairly certain that he’s actually asleep now. 

So you tug the blanket off the back of the couch and drape it over the two of you moments before the door opens and the two enter, bickering once again about something. You hear Jin go into the kitchen and Jungkook rounds the corner, looking down at you and a sleeping Jimin with a fond, happy smile. 

“I knew you could help noona!” He cheers, leaning over the back to press a kiss to your lips. 

You shove his head away with a chuckle, careful not to jostle Jimin too much. “If you wake Jimin up, you will be punished and I will make sure that you are personally responsible for helping him fall back asleep.” 

You level him a look and he stares at you with wide eyes, cheeks flushed. “What was that?” He calls, glancing over his shoulder. “I think I heard Jin calling. So I should probably go check on that. Do you need anything? No? Okay bye!” He calls, quickly retreating to the kitchen.

Jimin huffs against you. “I wish he was that scared of me.”

You hum, adjusting the blanket around you both, enjoying the warmth. “I’ll teach you sometime.”

You ignore the way that rolled off your tongue like a lie.

[tobiomlk]

39 for kageyama if you can ....... please :')

𝗰𝗵𝗮𝗿𝗮𝗰𝘁𝗲𝗿. kageyama tobio

𝗽𝗿𝗼𝗺𝗽𝘁. #39 “don’t cry.”

𝗴𝗲𝗻𝗿𝗲. hurt / comfort !!! tobio is no good with tears and i love him

Kageyama knows it’s bad when Suga-senpai confronts him about it.

“So,” he ambushes him during lunch time, around the vending machine (Of course he waits around the vending machine, Kageyama’s favoured spot to get his daily dose of milk). “What happened?”

Kageyama frowns. “About what?”

“You know what I mean.” However, Sugawara smiles, in that nurturing way of his that always makes Kageyama feel a little lighter. And a little troubled as well, because he can’t believe how utterly transparent he could be at times.

Kageyama chooses to direct his glowering towards the vending machine, gaze flickering between a carton of milk or yogurt, a predicament he struggled with each day— but which was considerably easier to deal with, next to the one he currently had at hand, that’s it. He growls when he notices the guilt is dawning upon him, again.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Sugawa asks, gently as ever, and Kageyama wants to say no, because a part of him does not wants to talk about it. But the other part, the vulnerable, insecure one, seems to be taking over him more often than not these days, and so he decides there’s no harm in speaking to a familiar face.

Far too violently, Kageyama presses both buttons simultaneously and lets the vending machine do the decision for him. “We had a fight,” he says, quietly. 

“So I heard,” Sugawara recognizes, but Kageyama isn’t really phased about it. Suga is, like, everyone’s go-to when it came for a comforting presence. He’s reliable, a good listener, and just as great at offering advice. He’s the type of person with lots of strengths that Kageyama himself lacks, and Kageyama can’t help but envy him, just a tiny bit. “It was that bad?” he probes, and Kageyama purses his lips in a flat line.

To put it truthfully, it wasn’t supposed to be that bad. To put it very frankly, it was incredibly and thoroughly moronic of both of you to have gotten so worked up over such a silly argument. Because that’s what it was; a silly argument, a minor discussion that the two of you blowed out of proportion and allowed to scalate the way it did. Stupid, sensitive teenagers.

“Have you tried talking to them?” Sugarawa asks.

“Yes,” Kageyama replies, but he doesn’t seem precisely happy. “but they don’t wanna talk to me.”

“The cold shoulder, huh?” Sugawara sighs, very much like a father would do. “Well, they can be quite petty, too.”

Kageyama nods in silence, lacking for better words. It frustrates him to no end, to be on such terms with you, to have you completely overlooking his existence. It frustrates him. And he doesn’t even gets to apologize or raise the flag of truce because you won’t even look his way. The mere thought is enough to have him slamming his head into the wall and scream at the top of his lungs.

“What are you planning to do, then?” 

Kageyama stops himself from doing so, though. “What can I do? They’re gonna ignore me anyways.”

“But you don’t want to let things go on like this, do you?”

Kageyama’s frowns deepens (if that’s even possible), but before his brain’s broken wires can sort out a way out of this fucking mess, his focus is taken away by a tiny little drop in his right cheek— followed by another one, and other one—

“Well, no one told me that it would be raining today,” Sugawara says as he looks up, gray clouds gathering above them. “C’mon, let’s get going before we get soaked.”

Kageyama agrees, although half-heartedly. For whatever reason, the light drizzle failing upon them seems to be reminding him of something, but he can’t exactly put his finger as to what it is. He always brings his umbrella, he couldn’t possibly have forgotten it—

Oh.

“Oh, fuck it.”

Powerless, you stand at the entrance of the school as you take in how the harmless rain at the beginning of the day had evolved into a massive downpour. Most of the students proceed to head off under the shelter of their respective umbrellas; shelter you can’t afford because, mind you, you rarely cared enough to bring an umbrella of your own. 

Tobio always shared his with me, after all…

No. Don’t think about Tobio. Don’t think about Tobio and his pouty face and how he always puts up a fight before letting you get away with whatever you want, the space under his umbrella included. Don’t you think about it. You’re supposed to be mad at him, and rightfully so. He was mean (and so were you) and said mean things (and so did you) and you weren’t going to let it slide just like that. You had a pride to keep. Yes. You had one. 

(But what about him?) No, this isn’t about him. This isn’t about him. (He’s probably hurt, too) And that’s on him. He started it all (let’s be real, you kinda were at fault as well) and he’s gotta live with it. (But he tried? To apologize? Several times?) NO. You don’t wanna hear it. You’re mad, reasonably mad, and it’s perfectly warranted. You could be mad for the rest of your life, if you wanted to (but you didn’t). End of the discussion.

The rain comes down steadily. It doesn’t seem like it’s going to stop any time soon. Fuck it. You’re not letting the rain keep you stuck with your inner conflict any longer. You bend forward to make sure your shoes are strongly tied and place your backpack over your head, making the perfect shield. You’re Unstoppable now. No rain is getting into your way.

Ready, steady...

“What are you doing, dumbass?”

Go— Ok, no go.

You’re torn between offering him a snarky reply, scowling at him or simply icing him out, but once you lock eyes with Tobio all you want to do is (redacted). Oh, would you look at that, you brain has already repressed that memory!

“None of your concern,” you end up saying, immediately averting his gaze. Tobio can’t even feel glad about you finally breaking your vow of silence towards him.

“Is that so,” he replies, and you hate how defeated he sounds. How can you be mad at him if he doesn’t make it easy for you?

“Are you heading home?” he tries once again, and you’re definitely not endeared by it.

“Well, I was going to before someone stopped me.” 

“It’s raining,” he points out.

“It certainly is,” you agree.

An uncomfortable silence follows. It’s one you aren’t used to at all, especially around Tobio. It felt so wrong.

You’re oh-so interested into the tip of your shoes that it startles you a little when a familiar umbrella suddenly appears in your field of vision. You didn’t even feel Kageyama coming closer, but there he was; standing a few steps away from you, handing his very own blue-ish umbrella. It takes you a second to take in the whole situation.

“Here,” he says, not budging an inch from his position. There are so many things you could question, but you can’t even find your voice to do so. Kageyama scoffs. “Don’t give me that look. You never bring one yourself, do you?”

And then it hits you. Violently, like a sudden epiphany, even when it’s something you’ve known for a long time now.

He cares.

Seeing you aren’t trying to accept the offer, Tobio nudges the umbrella in your direction, vehemently. Nothing. He knits his brows together. He knows you’re stubborn, but so is he, and he isn’t taking a no for answer— Wait.

“... Are you crying?” 

It’s crazy how all it takes for you to crack are three words, because suddenly you’re choking on your own tears, so it’s kinda pointless to try to keep appearances now. And Kageyama dies a little, because oh my god you’re crying.

“Hey… Hey!” he flails, voice admittedly cracking. “Why are you crying? It’s— It’s something I did?”

But since you’re in no condition to speak up, his questions remain unanswered. He has never been at such a loss for words as he stares at you, sobbing and whimpering and scrubbing at your face just to let more tears stream down your cheeks, pretty much like a kid would do, which only makes it all the more heart-wrenching. All the more unbearable to witness.

Kageyama unconsciously searches in his pockets for a handkerchief or a tissue or anything that would make you stop crying, really, only to realize he doesn’t even has one of those to offer up. But there’s something in the way you cry your heart out that shakes him to the very core, that disarms him and calls for desperate measures. So, he does something he usually wouldn’t.

You flinch noticeably when a hand hesitantly brushes against your cheek. The touch is awkward, yet undeniably gentle, and you momentarily stop your crying to blink up at him through the tears. It’s blurry, but you can still make out his deep blue eyes. The way he freezes as soon as he’s caught, like he’s just broken some sort of unspoken rule by initiating physical contact and is waiting for divine retribution or something. His lips pursing in that signature pout of his. You take in every part of him, gratefully.

“You hate me?” You don’t even realize how uncalled for your question sounds until it’s out, but what is done is done, and Kageyama seems so genuinely bewildered— It’s almost laughable.

“How could I possibly hate you?”

And that’s all you need to put aside every bit of your stubborn pride.

“I don’t wanna fight anymore,” you state, finally.

Kageyama needs an actual second to register your words. “Ok,”

“I hate fighting.”

“Me too,” he admits, far too quickly to be insincere, far too unfiltered for your liking.

“I don’t wanna be mad at you,” You’re probably just running your mouth at this point, but you just can’t bring yourself to stop. “and I don’t want you to be mad at me, either.”

“I’m not mad at you.” he says, and it’s as comforting as it is nerve-wrecking. “And you don’t have to be mad, if you don’t want to.”

Sniffle. A tiny, selfish tear attempts to slip away, but Tobio wipes it before she gets too far. “So don’t cry…”

But crying does not obeys anyone’s command, so you keep sniffing and snivelling for a while until you’re finally done with it, and Tobio stays. He’d stay forever, if you’d let him.

Eventually, the rain ceases.

[thecatprince]

After the Prince Falls

Read it on AO3 

Summary:  Set after POF. Roman falls apart, and Virgil is there to help pick up the pieces. Basically Roman angst Small part based off of this post.

Relationships: Prinxiety (can be read platonic or romantic)

Warnings: Suicidal thoughts (aka ducking out), self hatred

Note: I am reposting this because I can’t find the original post and I feel like Tumblr deleted it.

Reblogs > Likes

---

Roman sunk out, fighting back the tears threatening to come forth. The words stupid, useless, evil, pathetic kept repeating in his head like some sort of sick mantra. Focussing on the ground in front of him, Roman headed in the direction of his room, trying in hardest not to cry. He opened the door and flung himself onto the queen-sized bed, and all of the tears that he had fought to keep back came forward in a massive flood. He hugged a pillow close to his chest, shoulders shaking violently, all of his insecurities pressing down on him like a massive weight. Stupid, unoriginal, worthless, mean, evil, pathetic, unworthy, unlovable, hopeless, selfish, burden. He had tried so hard to do what he thought was right, to do what he could, but it was all in vain. Thomas was hurt because of him. Nothing that he ever did was good enough. He was everything he never wanted to be. Maybe he should just leave. The others wouldn’t miss him. All he ever did was bring them down.

A knock sounded on the door, interrupting the barrage of thoughts going through Roman’s head. He quickly tried to hide the fact that he was crying. No one needed to know how much of a mess he was. “Roman? You in there?” Of course it had to be Virgil. Roman stayed quiet, hoping he would go away if he thought no one was there. “Roman, are you alright?” Virgil asked. “I’m coming in.” Roman furiously wiped his eyes, hoping that Virgil wouldn’t notice how red they were.

Roman looked up as Virgil entered. “Hey, Ro, you alright? I heard you crying.” Virgil said gently. Come on Roman, act happy, you’re an actor, this is what you do, Roman thought to himself.

“Crying? No, you must be mistaken. I’m perfectly fine,” Roman said hurriedly, plastering a smile to his face. Good job Roman, now he knows what a pathetic mess you are. “Are you sure? You don’t look fine.”

“Perfectly sure. Was there any other reason for your visit?”

“Yeah. How’d the video go?” Shit. Roman fought to keep looking at Virgil, and desperately tried to repress the overwhelming feeling of self-hatred. Stupid, worthless, unoriginal, idiot. He took a deep breath and slowly recounted the video the best that he could. He was so concentrated on not falling apart that he barely registered the gentle look of concern on Virgil’s face, nor that the emo had sat down next to him. He was so focused on not feeling that he didn’t notice the tears slipping down his cheeks, or that he was no longer smiling.

Roman told Virgil everything, how he had fucked up, how he had done everything he could, how no matter how hard he tried to do what he thought was right, no matter what he did, it was never good enough, never right. He told Virgil everything that had been eating at him, every little insecurity, because it felt so good to finally tell someone, to be listened to. It felt like the gates had opened, and now all of the thoughts he had been bottling up were spilling out, almost uncontrollably.

Virgil listened silently. He was completely outraged when he heard about Janus, but he kept his reaction to himself, because Roman was clearly hurting, and now wasn’t the time. When Roman was finally done, he pulled the prince into a hug and held him as he cried into his chest. Roman clung to him, smelling in his scent, burying his head into Virgil’s shirt and wondering all the while what he had done to deserve any of this. He didn’t deserve for anyone to be kind to him, to offer any kind of comfort. He was worthless, stupid and unoriginal. They would be better off without him.

“Virgil,” Roman whispered, once he had stopped crying. “Yeah?” “How did you duck out?”

Whatever Virgil had expected it wasn’t that. His heart shattered. "I already tried that, remember? Can't go copying me,” Virgil said jokingly, trying to distract from how worried he was for Roman. Roman’s face fell instantly, and Virgil knew he had fucked up. “Wow, guess I can’t even be original anymore,” Roman mumbled, his voice wavering.

“Roman, promise me you won’t duck out?” Virgil asked gently, holding the prince close to his chest. Roman didn’t respond. “Roman, please don’t duck out. You are worth so much. You are amazing and original and unique, and I see how much you try and care. You don’t always do the right thing, but your intentions are right, and you always apologise. You are so clever and amazing, and we all love you so much. I love you Roman, and I know how hard it can be, but I will be by your side. Just stay with us, Roman. Please.”

Roman lifted his head from Virgil’s chest and looked into Virgil’s eyes. “Do you really mean it?” he asked. Virgil’s heart twisted at how broken he looked, his eyes red and his hair all messed up. “I promise I mean every word. Now, promise me you won’t duck out.”

Roman was silent for a moment as if he was weighing up his options. He opened his mouth to say something but was stopped by a knock at the door. “Roman? You in there kiddo?”

Roman immediately buried his head back into Virgil’s shirt, and Virgil felt a surge of anger at hearing Patton’s voice. He had accepted Janus and had hurt Roman in the process. “Not now Patton. Go away.” Virgil said. He sounded harsher than he intended, but Patton had hurt Roman, and that was the only thing that mattered at the moment. He heard Patton leave, then he turned his attention to the prince in his arms.

“Ro, you alright there?” Roman lifted his head slowly, a couple of tears were slowly running down his cheeks. “Hey,” Virgil said gently, lifting his hand to wipe away the tears. Roman smiled slightly at the gesture. “Thank you, Virgil,” Roman whispered. “I really don’t deserve any of this.”

“Nonsense,” Virgil said, struggling to stay calm. Roman needed to see how much he was wanted and worthy of staying. “You deserve all the love and support. I promise that no matter how hard it gets, I will always be here. And I promise that no matter how difficult it becomes, no matter how much impossible it seems, things will get better. Just keep fighting Roman. It will get better.”

“That’s nice,” Roman mumbled, but he seemed a lot calmer. He lay his head on Virgil’s shoulder and felt the emo’s arm tighten around him. They stayed like that for a while, before a soft snore alerted Virgil that Roman had fallen asleep. Virgil gently shifted until he was in a position to gently lay Roman down on the bed. He snapped the prince into more comfortable clothes and pulled the covers over him. He was just about to leave when he felt Roman grab his hand to stop him. Virgil looked down fondly at the prince, before settling himself on the bed. “Stay,” Roman murmured sleepily.

“Always,” Virgil replied. Everything else could wait. For now, all Roman had to do was rest.

[longinglook]

I’m going to be gone for most of the day so I thought that the best way to use up my last 10 minutes before leaving would be to write a multi paragraph post on what I think about Fighter’s behavior so here we go

(under a read more because this could get very very long)

so. fighter. our confused messy boy we are just starting to understand

i’ve read a lot of tweets/posts/comments of people that don’t understand his behavior or think that his storyline doesn’t make sense which has always left me a bit perplexed because to me everything he does seems justified and coherent to where his mind is at the moment so i’ll try to explain

but first, something about me kfmslkcls 

i identify as lesbian but i have struggled with compulsive heterosexuality all my life, i’ve spent years identifying as bi because the scary part for me was not admitting that i liked girls but admitting that i did not like boys past the occasional crushes on fictional boys and let me tell you: a lot of what fighter does/the way he thinks reminds me so much of how i was and here’s a list of things:

1) he seems a lot more at ease with same sex friends, the only times we see him with hwa you can tell that he’s forcing himself to act a certain way, he knows he’s supposed to do boyfriend things like taking her on dates and kissing but he is not comfortable with it, he tries and fails at it. of course part of the reason is because of his father but not only does he seem uniterested in her, there’s always a sense of uneasiness when he’s with her, like he’s scared of actually having to kiss her. he’s fine with the relationship as long as it’s just texting and hanging out (like a friendship would be) but he seems not to want it to become phisical. since he’s a very confused boy he’s probably blaming all of this on his father forcing him into the relationship, instead of knowing right away that he’s not interested in her

2) thinking whatever he has with tutor is just friendship and teasing: i feel like this is such a common experience for most lgbt+ folks, thinking you just have a deep friendship with someone of the same sex, only to later realize it was actually a crush and you had no idea. ex. liking the casual cuddling and touches and looking for more, paying close attention to all the displays of affection, wanting to always be close and being a little jealous of everyone else that they interact with. I feel like a lot of people go through this thinking it’s just a friendship, especially if it’s with someone of the same sex because they are not even considering the option of it being a crush. that’s why fighter keeps saying that they’re only friends and he’s behaving like a close friend would, he just doesn’t let himself consider the option because it would be way too scary and that leads us to point #3

3) being too scared to say what he wants: he does this A LOT. instead of asking for something, which would mean saying it out loud and admitting it, he just acts. words can be so scary (again making this about me, i have id’d as lesbian for over 2 years now and ive come out to a lot of friends but ive never said the word lesbian out loud because it’s just terrifying to me), and fighter seems to only use them after he has acted to justify whatever dumb shit he has done with an excuse. saying something like “i kissed you because i wanted to” would mean admitting he wants to kiss another man (meaning he’s not straight) and that man is fighter (meaning he has feelings for him). it’s much easier for him to go with the flow  and do first, explain later. and by explaining i mean lying, even to himself because deep down he knows, of couse he knows what’s going on but acknowledging it would have serious implications on his life.

also the way he reacts to tutor asking him if he likes boys is a big indicator of what's going on with him, it's his way of answering, not his way of avoiding the question. he can't say it out loud so he shows it but then he's scared of the consequences and no homos it. and the choice of replaying the question scene while they're making out shows us that fight is tormented by it, he's scared of other people asking him that as well, now that tutor has noticed it more people could as well and that's why he pulls away. 

4) on a similar note, teasing until tutor does something/not wanting to be the one to start it: this is pure fighter behavior, hoping tutor will be the one to start it so he doesn’t have to. i called this gay chicken last week, it’s fighter making everything into a challenge so he can blame it on tutor and say that he was just reacting. we can see how desperate he is for tutor’s attention, how happy he is when he has it and how frustrated he is when he doesn’t. he’s like a child who wants people to pay attention to him but doesn’t know how to ask for it, so they start annoying people. fight knows very well that he could just say hey tutor i’m here, please talk to me but how could he give a realistic reason for it other than because i have a massive crush on you meaning i’m not straight. he knows tutor doesn’t back down from a challenge and he riles him up because he has learned what that will lead them to. it’s like he knows there’s an easier way to get to that, but it’s scary so he just keeps going with his soundproof tesing tacting which so far has worked every time. also in general reacting is a lot easier than acting, again a personal example: if someone asks me if i like girls I’ll say yes right away, but if i have to start the conversation i won’t. (one thing i do a lot is to be like “hey i have something to tell you about myself but you have to guess it”)

5) backtracking/giving mixed signals: again he’s terrified, he knows what he wants but he knows what /wanting it/ implies. sometimes he follows his heart, but then his brain comes back to tell him that, hey, you’re kissing another dude and you’re enjoying it and of course he freaks out and leaves. i would be way more annoyed with him if the show had been portraying tutor as pining and in love, meaning that fighter has been giving him false-ish hopes, but after ep.6 we see that tutor himself still hasn’t admitted to himself that he likes fighter (in bold because i feel like this part is very important and often overlooked) so they are both confused about their feelings. 

i don’t think they are actually confused, they know but they are scared which in my opinion is very realistic of how someone behaves when they thought they were straight and they are not. It’s not about being dumb or being slow, it’s about realizing that once you take that step and acknowledge you’re not straight your life changes. idk how many of you are actually not straight (i assume most just because tumblr) but like…… coming out is so stressful being straight is just so much easier you dont have to do shit i wish that were me

6) his father: i feel like we only grazed the surface of fighter’s daddy issues, but he seems to be a very controlling and inflexible man, meaning that he probably wouldn’t be thrilled at the idea of his son dating another man. we don’t know about fight’s past, and maybe he has already had crushes on men and had to repress them. fighter seems to be used to a pretty luxurious lifestyle, he can’t just fuck off and go against his father because he would lose his support.

so it’s not just admitting things to himself, which can be insanely hard on its own especially if you were brought up in a traditional family, it’s also having to deal with the reactions from everyone around you

I KEEP THINKING ABOUT NEW THINGS TO ADD TO THIS POST SORRY anyway i think fighter has already shown multiple times that he does care for tor, it's just in a very shy and lowkey way because he's scared of giving himself away but he does indeed worry about tor (ex. he notices tor is stressed about his test, he tries to help outat his part time job). it also seems that in times of urgency he's more explicit about ex. offering to pay off his debt when tor was being threatened or saying he's his boyfriend when the gross cafe dude was hitting on him

also can we talk about how heartbreaking and soft fighter can be when he lets down his guard and shows his emotional side ex. telling tor nobody has ever taken care of him like that or the way he looks every time tutor pulls away first... this poor boy is touch starved and he craves affection but he can't ask for it yet. he's going to be a real gem once he can be honest with his feelings

for future episodes i think that tutor and fighter are well on their way to realizing their feelings for each other and there's going to be some development soon, but i dont expect fighter to come out to anyone else in the next few episodes because there's a lot of work to be done still. i just hope they dont pull the /i dont like boys i just like you/ trope because i WILL drop this show. so. fast. please don't ruin this character please let him accept his attraction to men fully

in conclusion. i dont blame fighter for anything he has done so far, he’s scared shitless but knows what’s going on, i trust he will soon be brave enough to start being honest with himself and with tutor

man this did NOT  take 10 minutes to write and i dont have time to proofread

[innenofutari]

Dimitri is one of the best lords of the entire franchise (Character Analysis)

[HUGE SPOILERS FOR MANY PARTS OF BLUE LIONS ROUTE]

Beware of spoilers! This is my messy attempt at conveying all my love for this route and lord, since he really touched my heart as no other Fire Emblem character previously did. And I posted this on Reddit as well, but figured I’d post here too because why the fuck not.

I just very recently finished the Blue Lions, and while I loved many parts of this route, what caught my attention the most was Dimitri. There is absolutely no way he isn't my favorite Fire Emblem character of all time now, and I would like to try and explain why, so here we go.

Right off the bat what made Dimitri painfully interesting to me was how similar his personality was to the common "kind, idealistic and naive" lord archetype we have in many games, but not quite.

In his nature, he is indeed kind and soft hearted, but his very own life goal goes against every single one of those principles, being something as ruthless and even bloodthirsty as revenge. For someone who feels like a monster for every life he takes, that's awfully contradictory if you ask me. And that's the key to Dimitri's conflicts, "contradiction".

Dimitri is a walking contradiction, he hates taking lives, and yet he obligates himself to do so, resulting in crippling self hatred. This forms an inescapable circle where, if he takes lives, he'll end up hating himself, but if he doesn't, he'll still hate himself for being incapable of avenging the dead and fulfilling the duty he established for himself. It's a maze with no exit that his trauma forced him in, creating two very opposing sides to his personality and actions.

Another thing that really pleased me with his writing, is that Dimitri's soft heartedness, kindness and naivety is never played as a quality, but as a flaw. Dimitri possesses an incredibly black/white, good/evil way to see the world, never realizing what's in between (which is very ironic, as he himself is a pretty morally grey character). This kind of thinking is one that clouds his judgement and makes it impossible for him to see the world as it is as well as impossible to truly forgive himself. Mercedes A support and Gilbert's entire support chain illustrate this perfectly.

Now, we get to the timeskip, where his mind and actions seemingly look like a totally insane person's who has broken down completely and just doesn't care about what he's doing. That seems like the first thing you'd assume, but I personally have a different way of interpreting timeskip Dimitri. For me, Dimitri is not insane nor crazy, he is totally aware of his own actions and in fact, willingly chose to act like the way he does until chapter 17. But rather the only way he saw of coping with the crushing self loathing he felt was by becoming the monster he thought he himself was. Dimitri thought that by completely forsaking his humanity and turning a blind eye to his own emotions, he could serve as the perfect vassal for the dead, with no will of his own.

One of my biggest gripes with Dimitri's character arc was that his change in chapter 17 felt way too abrupt for me especially since the writing until that point was so consistent and solid, but following this line of thought, it makes perfect sense for him to change so abruptly, since his timeskip change wasn't something that happened because he lost his mind, but a choice he willingly made and just a part of him that was always there resurfacing and taking control. Dimitri "turned into his old self" once again not because of the power of anime tropes, but because he dropped the whole "I'm a vassal for the dead with no identity nor humanity" thing the moment he saw a person he cared for dying in front of him, and he finally realized how selfish he was being, even if only for some minutes. Dimitri was sure that forsaking his humanity was the only way to stop his own suffering while simultaneously punishing himself (another one of this boy's contradictions), but he ultimately couldn't fully repress his "former self".

Rodrigue's death was the push Dimitri needed to finally realize that the dead didn't expect anything from Dimitri, and that he was his own person. Byleth later reaffirms Dimitri that he is his own person, and the dead shouldn't hold any power against him, to which he finally accepts and agrees to let go of hatred. Dedue mentions in chapter 18 if I remember correctly, that saying that Dimitri returned to his old self was an incorrect statement, since Dimitri had always been struggling with his two contradictory facets inside himself ever since the tragedy, and as he says in his Felix A support, they are both a part of him. This boy has been in constant emotional turmoil since the very first day we see him at the Monastery, living with those two conflicting parts inside of himself.

That's why Dimitri's development feels so satisfying, he's not only able to stop hating himself to such a crippling extent, but he also comes to understand that he is his own person. In his S support with Byleth he says that the voices of his dead loved ones will probably accompany him until his deathbed, but that this is a thing he now knows he's strong enough to fight against, successfully burying all the hatred his trauma has caused. His scene in Fhirdiad of him finally reclaiming the throne, and realizing that he is actually very beloved by his people, that they don't hold any kind of hatred or grudges towards him, will always do things to my heart. His whole life he just wanted to be forgiven, a thing he never allowed himself to do.

Thank you warriors who read up until this point, I'm well aware this is a massive wall of text but hey it was just made in good fun and love for Dimitri. Also, a last heads up but this is merely my own interpretation of Dimitri and by no means the absolute truth. Well written characters such as Dimitri can warrant a myriad of different interpretations, and this was just an attempt to share mine. (Would love to debate, too! Feel free to call me out since I have a tendency to overanalyze.)

[coolrobotsupremacist]

Modern Les Mis AU this. Modern Les Mis AU that. Star Wars Les Mis AU when

!!!!!!!!! Not soon enough

The scales have fallen from my eyes, my whole world changed in just one flash of light, Star Wars is the logical place to go for a les mis AU and I can't believe I didn't see it before now. The existence of destiny, the importance and possibility of redemption, heroic doomed rebels, DEmOCraCy.

Weird mix of headcanons and plot? Below.

Jean Valjean as a kind young Jedi trying to keep order in the galaxy even as the Clone Wars escalate. He works himself to the home because he knows that in addition to defending the republic he is also keeping the galaxy safe for his family though he hasn't seen them since he was a child. Order 66 happens and he flees back to his family but is devastated to find them missing, presumed dead. The trauma of war was for nothing and he flees, falling to the darkside and living as an outlaw from both the newly formed Empire. A massive bounty on his head because he's one of the last Jedi known to be alive. Valjean gives into his worst impulses and lives from day to day doing whatever he needs to do to survive and evade the Empire. He stops thinking about the innocent people who might get hurt along the way until one day he comes across a Jedi temple and out pops Myriel.

Big redemption time.

Myriel fixes him up with a new identity and valjean sets out again a slightly less broken man.

Javert is a Bounty Hunter who, unlike most other bounty hunters, refuses to deal with criminals and only chases bounties put out by the Empire. He wears what looks suspiciously like a reclaimed Stormtrooper armour and everyone is too afraid to ask( isn't the point of this job that we DON'T have to wear uniforms)

Fantine meets Tholomyès on Coruscant and when he abandons her she decides to go off world to find work and a new, safe home for her and Cosette.

Cosette is kidnapped by the Thenardiers who are at the height of their power and influence as a family that controls a fleet of pirate spaceships and are on the lookout for force sensitive children to mould into a private army of force users. Fantine, desperate to get her back, turns to the most dangerous and lucrative profession she can find and becomes a bounty hunter in order to raise enough money to hire a team of mercenaries to save Cosette. She ends up teaming up for a bounty with Javert, who wants her help infiltrating a mining station because he suspects something fishy is going on as it's not turning the profit it should be, this just turns out to be its workers being paid a fair wage but Javert is vindicated because, gasp, guess who owns the station?

Hijinks ensue but Valjean eventually agrees to be taken in because he hears why Fantine needs the money and as he's already been exposed as an outlaw he knows he can't do any more good at the station. Fantine shoves Javert down a rubbish shoot and brings in Valjean herself, taking all of the bounty. Then she immediately breaks him out again and they go and rescue Cosette.

Cool battle ensues pew pew pew smash SMASH BOOM. They rescue most of the children and find them good homes all over the galaxy then flee with Cosette to one of the few Jedi temples left. Knowing Star Wars that temple is probably on a desert planet. Thenardiers pirate empire is essentially crippled and he is left with only a few of his child soldiers. He swears vengeance.

Years later Marius is a Prince of a planet with a suitably keysmashy name Snarfan-5? Snarfan-5. With his grandfather as regent Marius trusts that the right thing to do is agree to the demands of the Empire, until he finds out that his Father was a Mandalorian who didn't abandon him but was killed when the Empire attempted genocide in all the Mandalorians. Marius buys a helmet which he vows to never take off until he restores Madalore to its former glory, and starts to reclaim his roots which he's fairly sure have something to do with being good at fighting? He'll figure it out as he goes. Hopefully he can find this Thenardier guy who once saved his father's life.

Then he runs away to join the rebellion.

Enjolras was a Padawan before the republic fell who escaped Order 66, he never got to finish his training and accepts that the Jedi Order had a lot wrong with it but that didnt stop him from internalising all that stuff about the only acceptable love being vague love for people as a whole. He only used his force abilities when absolutely necessary: he considers it an unfair advantage.

Combeferre is fascinated by the force as it's both a proven scientific phenomena and a religion? Wild. When he was a child he wanted to work as a diplomat travelling from planet to planet, solving problems peacefully. Part of him hopes that if enough systems band together, they can force the Empire to yield peacefully.

Coufeyrac doesn't need the force to let you feel the love hes primarily a pilot and picks up Marius on a supply run. Not in the least bit force sensitive, cheerfully so.

Feuilly used to work in a workshop that made cybernetic limbs. He taught himself how to use the force without really understanding until later how unheard of it was. His long-term goal is to rebuild the Jedi without all the toxic feeling repression. He's most fluent in droid because he grew up around them and he really hates how people often treat droids as expendable machinery.

Prouvaire knows about force ghosts, we all know what he's doing with his time.

Joly has taken 345 vaccines for diseases which aren't transmissible to humans but better to be safe than sorry, right? He's always excited to go to a new planet because it means he can research local diseases/medicine.

Bossuet has been accidentally shoved out of 345 airlocks.

Grantaire is technically a darksider. He was a Padawan at the same time as Enjolras but struggles to live by the Jedi code, and was pretty easily seduced to the dark side as a result but he made an even worse Sith than he did a Jedi because he couldn't jam with the cruelty and sadism. Upon realising that the Sith were actually philosophically evil instead of just really liking the aesthetic he sort of sheepishly slips out the back door. The lesson he took from this is that there is no right way to wield power: you either become ineffectual monks or megalomaniac sadists so the only option is to give up. He eventually nominally joins the resistance and he keeps having horrible force visions about all his friends dying which he trys to drown out with copious amounts of alcohol(it never works). 

Bahorel is a Wookie. I don't think that requires further explanation.

Marius settles in with them although he learns to keep his mouth shut about the glorious old days of the Mandalorian empire.

Thenardier tried to train his few remaining child soldiers by throwing sharp objects at them. Long story short Eponine still can't use the force and only has one ear but she is very good at dodging things. Gavroche escaped on his own and is basically a 13 year old Han Solo. He stole a novelty yacht in the shape of an elephant, despite this hugely distinctive ship he has never been gotten close to bring caught. Has close ties with the resistance.

Cosette is taught at Fantines insistence how to use the force and blast people to hell and back, she learns these skills pretty well but more importantly Cosette is given more love that any one person needs so she grows up to be exactly as kind and loving as she is in canon. Valjean is secretly delighted to have a Padawan but also scared that he's going to pass his icky Sith germs onto Cosette. Blasters are Fantines speciality; she teaches Cosette to shoot first. They are eventually honest about their pasts with Cosette, mostly because it would be dangerous not to be. Cosette makes the decision to leave dispute the danger not wanting to live in hiding for the rest of her life.

There's a prophesy about a chosen one and everyone keeps mistakenly assigning it to Enjolras but it's very very clearly about Cosette

[nejisrightkneecap]

KRBK FIC REC MASTERLIST

I have compiled a massive Kiribaku fic list, please indulge. - the laundry room ; dellsey

It’s a really cute quick fic about special moments Kirishima and Bakugou are able to share while they wait for their laundry to finishes :) - The Beauty of a Beast ; starofjems

A Beauty and the Beast AU!!! It’s a longer fic, but 100% worth the read. The author is SO good at portraying the characters personalities.

- Heart Strings ; starofjems

This one is also by starofjems!! Although it is a lot shorter, it is still AMAZING. Bakugou is able to see a red string that connects soul mates together and eventually Kirishima stumbles by. - Spooky times & cuddles ; Jartz

A VERY cute short fic about Kirishima going over to Bakugou’s house for halloween! It’s good to read any season though. - Who’s Next? ; MyBlackCrimsonRose

Bakugou gets hella hurt during a fight and Kirishima is a BADASS in getting revenge. This one is also a quick read and I highly suggest it!! - the easy parts ; chonideno 

Kirishima gets hurt and is informed that there will be a lot of scarring. It’s follows him through his struggle of insecurity regarding the scars and his acceptance. - it’s pouring out here ; shizuumi151

Kirishima is on a basketball team with Bakugou and he is the team captain. Kirishima has a crush on him and they have a little run in after getting caught in the rain. - 2am Knows All Secrets ; Unbreakable_red_riot

OH MY GOSH THIS FIC!! I really love the concept of Bakugou having nightmares about Kamino and the author does an amazing job at showing his difficulties with them. Kirishima keeps waking up to loud noises from Bakugou’s room and goes to scope it out; resulting in a few sleepovers... -  Shitty Hair and Shitty Nightmares; honest_pebble

(I have so many nightmare fics oops!) Bakugou is struggling with nightmares and Kirishima is a good friend and helps while Bakugou figures himself and his feelings out.

- a heart swelled to bursting ; eggstasy

This fic literally stole my heart and has to be one of my favorites. It’s the next summer and they are back at the training camps, but Bakugou has been repressing some worries. It’s a very Bakugou centric story, following him dealing with PTSD with help from other characters. - Let Me Save You ; lovelylittlefruit

A short story showing the after effects of a battle where Kirishima saved Bakugou. This is more angst/conflict than fluff but I do still recommend it!! - safe & sound ; Authoress 

This one made my heart SO happy and soft jeez ahaha. Bakugou has to be kept in a safe house after Kamino because of more threats and Kirishima is his comfort buddy. - not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all ; theroyalsavage 

AAAA!!! It’s a “10 Things I Hate About You” AU and its REALLY good even if you haven’t seen the movie. Very sweet and the character personalities are done really well. - heart stains on the carpet ; cityboys 

THIS STOLE ALL MY UWU’S AND MORE! Kirishima is Bakugou’s live in body guard who got a little closer to him than he had planned. Very cute and has some of the best dialogue I’ve read in a fic. Definitely goes with my favorites. - how they got detention for a week ; eggstasy

Kirishima is determined to go out with Bakugou no matter how intimidating that may seem. Kaminari tries to stop him but it’s no use. I really enjoyed reading this and I loved how the authors incorporated the Bakuquad!! - How To Make Bakugou Katsuki a Decent Human Being ; keptein 

Kirishima is set on making Bakugou a nicer guy no matter what it takes. (Even if that means pulling a Pavlov on him) but along the way he catches feelings. - ten things i learnt about you ; tamacchannn 

A very soft fic about Bakugou realizing things that he likes about Kirishima. Made me gush quite a few times. - don’t count on me to tell you when ; newamsterdam // 

GOD I LOVE THIS ONE TOO. It’s set in the future when they are pro-heros. Kirishima come back to see Bakugou and confess his feelings, but they end up just being friends with benefits for awhile. Very well written - do right by you ; kyoutimes

Kirishima and Bakugou are working together and Kirishima has a crisis about his sexuality. (There’s more to it than that but I don’t wanna spoil it :P) I loved the emotion in this AAAA - yes, you say you’d like to ; Authoress 

Kirishima invites a few friends to the beach, which eventually lead to THE WHOLE CLASS joining. He didn’t want to invite Bakugou, strictly because he didn’t want to get turned on at at the beach. - Kiss your knuckles before you punch me ; Claus_Lucas 

Bakugou saves Kirishima who is a boxer by lighting some of his own fireworks. I don’t know how much I can give away without spoiling it, but this is on my top three. While proud of Kirishima, Bakugou needs to remind him of his limits regarding his boxing career. - what he thinks he knows ; lovelylittlefruit 

Mainly Bakugou sided? It follows Bakugou as he realizes that there more to the assumptions he makes about his crush, Kirishima. It’s unfinished but I’m excited to see the rest soon!! - good to you ; Authoress

Takes place directly after Kamino. The two boys refuse to stop holding hands which leads to other conclusions. I love this sm, I had very soft moments and there’s a cute little twist that I LOVED at the end. - An obvious patch ; SweetScentences

Shinsou steals Bakugou’s eggs and Kirishima gets stabbed all the while. JK, there’s more to it than that,,, this is one of those fics I feel like it’s best enjoyed if you go in blind. I enjoyed every minute of this fic, laughed and teared up. - But for now, I’m with you; eikoexe 

A really goofy and cute texting fic!! Kirishima accidentally texts Bakugou thinking it’s Kaminari demanding a Dorito stealing confession. It’s still being written but I do love it very much so far. Read if you need a laugh!! (Sadly, it’s been over a year since the last update so I’m not expecting it to continue soon :()

-neon season; chonideno 

I really love this author jeez. It’s a road trip fic and these boys are very frustrated with their feelings toward each other (Mainly Bakugou lolololol) The way emotions are written is amazing and I fell in love with how they portrayed Kirishima and Bakugou. 

-the color red; ayadormouse 

G o d . . . This is like a coffee shop/college AU and it holds a lot of family angst for Bakugou. Bakugou is an artist and Kirishima is persistent in getting know the angry guy that doesn’t know how to order coffee. Heroes and quirks are more of an old myth/history type thing, but there still are mentions of it. 

-downhill; eggstasy 

Kirishima is a mom friend and loves learning small facts about his friends while in the dorms. This has almost every class 1-A character in it which I love because not a lot of authors write about some of the mpre minor roles. They play truth or dare and it gets out of hand.

-Of course I was worried; Ellieb3an

Kirishima gets hurt after his big fight in the manga (so there are spoilers) but he gets confused when Bakugou doesn’t visit him in the hospital and avoids him when he returns to the dorms. Bakugou is just a secret softy who was worried about his mans. I love seeing the softish side of Bakugou aaaa. 

-The Wild Side; Mishelledor23 

Kirishima and Bakugou are married and in Kirishima’s mind, everything is going great. Until, he wakes up one morning to see a letter and Bakugou’s wedding ring. My heart breaks for Kirishima in this one, and I’m so curious as to why Bakugou left. (It’s on going!) Kaminari and Mina are also present and go help Kiri with a mission. 

-Roses are red and they taste like shit; Unbreakable_Red_Riot 

A Bakugou hanahaki disease fic, this is also high on my favorites list. I couldn’t put it down for the life of me. Mutual pining eventually, but it focuses in mainly on Bakugou and his families way of dealing with the disease. 

-little are the things we learn; newamsterdam  

 The two boys never outright tell their class they are dating, but 5 of them figure it out and each one of them is stunned by their relationship. Perfect mix of angst and fluff, told from different characters perspectives as they see and analyze the two. 

- Detonate; theroyalsvage 

Bakugou is acting weird and a little insecure almost at a party he was invited to. Kirishima finds him on the roof and tries to figure the explosive boy out. 

-Trash Goblin Finds Love; wrunic 

Another coffee shop AU with a scientist Bakugou. This one made me giggle and the writing is so in character. I love how it ends and Kirishima is a big cutie in this one. 

-Radio Silence; doop_doop 

After getting hit with a coma quirk, Kirishima is bedridden and can’t move. Although his body is asleep, he can hear everything that is going on. So naturally, his friends visit him as much as possible to keep the guy entertained. But Bakugou realizes there’s something more to his feelings for Kirishima. (this shit is so cute, Bakugou reads to him)

-one to ten; crunchrapsupreme 

Kirishima wants to ask Bakugou out, but Kaminari demands that he becomes friends with him first. So Kirishima sets out to become a ‘Level 10’ friend to Bakugou. (This one is also very cute, Bakugou is a cat lover and it makes me melt.)

-out of sight, within reach; Poteto 

Gahhhh oblivious mutual pining makes me w e a k… Bakugou realizes he loves Kirishima while dragging his drunk body back to his house. Jealousy and miscommunication from both sides until there is an emergency and Bakugou drops his grudge.

-i’m a mess but you’re still here; Dreaming_of_Fairys

Kirishima notices that Bakugou is struggling after failing the licensing exam. And while he wants to be there for his friend, he realizes he has deeper than platonic feelings. Bakugou isn’t very open to receiving help from Kirishima regardless. I like the authors take on how Bakugou’s outlashes are described. This one is unfinished but I’m excited for more!

-It’s Not Living (If It’s Not With You); writingboom

This is one of my favorite 3 fics at the moment. It’s a band AU where Bakugou is captivated by the red-head on stage. His attraction doesn’t stop when he meets him backstage either. There is SO MUCH FLUFF OMG. But also a good amount of angst and tension. All the good stuff. I highly recommend. 

-Undoable Devotion; Haarhus and Honey227

This is a fic that two of my friends are working on! Bakugou lives alone as a hunter but begins to worry when the forrest seems to be lacking resources. Having to venture far out to get food, he stumbles upon the most enhancing red stag he’s ever seen. Even though I’m slightly biased because I know the creators, I absolutely l o v e the plot and writing style. It’s under 20,000 words right now so it’s a good time to start it.

-things soft and precious; gloop

ADORABLE MY GOD. It’s Kirishima and Bakugou falling in love through Mitsuki’s perspective and it fills my heart with so much love AH. Kirishima is a big ol’ dork and Bakugou is still as emotionally stuck as ever. I love the pacing and the different take on perspective. Would read again. 

-quote love unquote; newamsterdam

I’m pretty sure most people have heard of this one if not read it. It’s more or less THE Kiribaku fanfiction right now. I love this author and a few of their works are already in this list but I seriously can’t get enough. Another band AU, but this time with Bakugou as a very famous actor. In meeting at a party, the two boys are getting closer and Bakugou’s sexuality is exposed publicly. Which of course, the only solution entails Kirishima as his new fake boyfriend. This story was always good, but then there were so many extra details and plot twists AH. It’s lengthy, but I was so into it I finished it very fast. 

-Sun Sets Red; Shippeh

OK another one of my top 3 at the moment. Words cannot express my love for this fic lmao, it deserves all the praise it’s been getting. Kirishima winds up being a roommate to Midoriya and that includes Bakugou stopping in. There’s a lot more than what meets the eye regarding Bakugou and Kirishima figures that out very quickly. The bakusquad is strong in this one and there’s lots of angst but plenty of love. I don’t know what it is, but the emotion in the writing is phenomenal and this will be a forever favorite. 

-Infamous; AnotherWordForWeird// 

Bakugou is a hated singer. His brash attitude wasn’t the problem. It was the fact that he had attacked a lady and since then been nothing but a nuisance to the public. He considers taking his life, but hangs on when a certain redhead seems to not be aware of his fame. So, when interacting with Kirishima, he tries to lie and keep his identity of being the infamous “Ground Zero” a secret. But, Kirishima has a secret of his own. He’s internet sensation “Red Riot”, the mysterious new singer without a face to his name. This one is not finished, I am looking forward to see what direction the author takes the story!!

 -Crocs, Fate and REO Speedwagon; Hope_Neufield// 

O H MY GOD. This is the final of my three ATM favorites. This fic in its entirety blew me the fuck away. It trips me out how incredibly smart the author’s writing and planning is. Bakugou is in his twenties and he’s lost every ounce of hope he had in himself. He’s stuck at a job he hates and he lives in solitude with nothing but whiskey for comfort. So, one night, he tries to take his life. The angel Kirishima saves his life and promises him a second chance. TONS of angst LOADS of it. This one is nearly completed and I don’t know if I’m ready to let it go LMAO. I think this is the first fic I’ve re-read because I truly feel like I didn’t appreciate it enough the first time. PLEASE read this one. 

 -The Magic Song; Zacksy

A loose Cinderella AU that follows servant Kirishima. He finds a small pot of some sort of goopey substance. He is the only one able to open the jar, and before he knows, his hair is now red. His friends urge him to visit the banquet as his hair was more at a royal status and he bumps into Prince Katsuki. I read this one super fast because I enjoyed it so much the time just flew by. It’s a good fic for a bad day. 

-avian; chonideno

Bakugou didn’t want to spend his night in a crowded airport with tons of other people. He also didn’t want to spend it snuggled up to some obnoxious clingy stranger. I love chonideno’s writing so much, it’s so lovely and the style literally blossoms my heart. This one is on the shorter side, but I enjoyed every bit of it. 

-blisters; eggstasy

Bakugou has a way of building up his palm endurance. It was introduced by his father and it never faded. This fic is almost a character study in some elements, it puts Bakugou in a way I haven’t really seen. The couple-ly moments are adorable and OMG there’s some lines that just get to me. 

-Three Taps; Mintyboy

There’s something Kirishima can’t understand about a certain affection Bakugou gives. It’s just three small taps. This fic is short but it owns my whole heard GAHHH!!! I have found myself thinking about this piece of writing every so often, it sticks with you. 

-13 Things Best Bros Do Together (+1 Thing They Don’t); WhenJoshIsJoesph

This is “I love you no homo bro; The Fic”. Kirishima and Bakugou are very affectionate towards each other in a way that only happens in a romantic relationship. They seem to be the only ones aware of how strange they are acting, but sooner than later, they do something they know isn’t normal for friends and are forced to admit their true feelings. A cute fic that made me laugh and root for both of the boys. 

-Cause of Death; blueslove

Kirishima and Bakugou have been dating for a bit but they have yet to kiss. This is a short fic about warming up to a new relationship. Adorable, pretty much all fluff. I love it.

-2 A.M; cityboys 

Katsuki goes to work with his mother in rebranding a family restaurant. It’s his first long visit since his big move to Tokyo and he gets picked up from the station by a redhead he has never seen. Through the fic, Bakugou is challenged by his own feelings and overall loneliness. A question he’s asked by Kirishima is, “Do you have a 2 a.m?” GOD THIS FIC MADE ME EMOTIONAL PLEASE READ IT. There’s a really neat plot twist and a good mix of angst and fluff. I fully recommend. 

-Ransom in Red; Shippeh

Another semi-cinderella AU!!! This time, Kirishima sneaks into a party while Bakugou is trying to sneak out. They meet up, and eventually team up to get out of the place after Bakugou figures out Kirishima’s facade. When they do, Bakugou takes Kirishima to one of his favorite parts about being the prince. Their happy moment is soon interrupted and trouble follows them. I ALREADY LOVE THIS AUTHOR AND THE WAY THEY WRITE MY BOYS, But this fic is hella underrated it makes me s a d. Go read!!! 

Ok ngl I got real lazy and for now, I WILL JUST BE LISTING THE FICS WITH NO DESRIPTION LMAO WILL EDIT LATER. 

-Paper Machismo; Legendaerie

-things you said to me when you were scared; dearwormwood

-Fight Me; mr_todoroki

-done with having dreams (the thing that i believe) futurehearts

-Kids; degradedpsychotic

-Doubt; PurplePersnickety

-Soft Touches, Quiet Voices; beebuzz

-help me get out of my head; popcap

-a tenderness you can’t let go; punchmunk

-the world you keep erasing; Slumber

-Crow’s Feet; PotatoJesus

-My Ears Can’t Hear But My Heart Can; puraiuddo

-Take the world back from a heart attack; Claus_Lucas 

-this is getting kinda out of hands (this is getting kinda out of my head); multiclassmaps

-Letting You Lead Me Towards The Deep End; Uglysweater

-by that tree on the peak; shizummi151

-Rosy; mr_todoroki

-Crossfated; rashiisa

-you’ll have to take me down; pickledbrows

-Intertwined; DemiDivinedHero

-Red; mr_todoroki

-the fool’s rush; chonideno

-four feet, two hands; eggstasy

-I’m Curious (what happens when your lips meet mine?); Lulatic

-The Lessons of Flirting; CatoftheShadows

-just want your head on my shoulder; littlelionvanz

-Red Neon; Shippeh

-In the Age of the Social; singingdevil

-but i’ve got an angry heart; newamsterdam 

-Under The Same Stars; Unbreakable_Red_Riot

-Quietly; chezka

-like you’re running out of time, like you need it to survive; Slumber

-towards the light; noahczerns

-like stars burning holes right through the dark; multiclassmaps

-One Available Copy; EverythingandAnything

-Like Knives; All_My_Characters_Are_Dead

-Who do you love?; Canadiantardis

-Interpolation; deplore

-Sweet sixteen; Delitan 

-houdini; chonideno 

-It Will Find You Here; arxaris

-sunchaser; chonideno

-Wandering in the Shade; MomotoneScreaming

[eve-mega-theory]

My theory on Eve’s MVs, from Sister to Raison D’etre

People have asked, and since no one else has yet (and since I’ve always wanted to do it), I’ve went and put together a theory that connects all of Eve’s MVs into a single large narrative about the cycle of depression. Since I go over every song in-depth, and each song is filled with detail and complexity, it’s long. I actually had to skip over a lot of little details making this, because if I did the length would just get out of hand. Also keep in mind that I’m not assuming my theory to be the “one true meaning.” I just took a lot of personal meaning from this series, and its portrayal of depression and how to overcome it has helped me immensely. I want to do these videos, which are clearly labors of love, some justice.

*I’m going to put time stamps for the other songs to make things easier to follow. It's not required, but I recommend that you rewatch the previous songs as you read.

**Each of the early videos have a dominant color to them, which is often used in later MVs to subtly reference them, which I’ve listed next to the title.

Sister (Red):

The first Eve MV released was Demon Dance Tokyo, but I believe the 1st, and arguably most important video in the timeline is Sister. The MC suffers from severe depression throughout the series, and this is where it originated from. His sister died in an accident while he was young, and he was overcome with guilt that he was so distant from her while she was alive. He felt like this happened because he was rotten to the core, with him declaring that even if he went back in time, he still would've made the same mistakes, because that's just the kind of person he is. He ends up repressing those memories to deal with the guilt, and he becomes distant from people. The video's expressed entirely through notebook paper and paper mache because as a child, the MC was fond of drawing and sketching, and used this to cope with these difficult times and express himself.

Chocolate Town (Brown):

This song’s pretty easy to miss, as it’s under the account of the artist “Sou,” who did many collaborations with Eve in the past. It’s sung by Sou, but written by Eve, and it shares too many similarities with his city-scape series to be ignored. It fits perfectly in between “Sister” and “Demon Dance Tokyo.” There’s a large time skip between the two songs, in which the MC goes from grief-stricken child to selfish teenager, and this song fills in that gap, making for a more seamless transition. His appearance here is more similar to that of “Sister” (0:15), as he tries to live the way he used to. The world is no longer a rose-tinted explosion of color, but a uniform chocolate brown, more sickening and suffocating than sweet (0:51). He doesn’t experience new things anymore, he just stays in his comfort zone and drowns himself in the things he knows, as he’s locked in place by a vague apprehension that eats away at him (0:21). He’s suppressed the memory of his sister, but the guilt remains. That guilt leaves him unable to connect with people the way he used to, out of fear of hurting or being hurt. The ‘book of spells’ from Nonsense Literature is referenced, as the MC keeps the deeper parts of his heart locked away (1:30). As he grows distant, his friends do the same (“Mason does seem quite superstitious,” which you could take to mean the MC’s real name is Mason) [0:32].  He tries to just ignore it and go with the flow (0:36), but it’s not enough. The tries to drown himself in desire to ignore the pain he’s feeling (1:10). Deep down he knows it’s wrong, but the guilt he feels keeps him trapped (1:15). 

In the second half of the song, it’s revealed that after Ano Ko Secret, the MC successfully worked up the courage to talk to the blue haired girl, and a friendship formed (2:00). As shown in later MVs, the two would play on the playground together, and we see here that even during this difficult time, the MC felt complete when he was with her. Even so, here she’s obscured in chocolate, showing that the MC is unable to see outside his own problems. Because of his selfishness, he’s unable to connect and they grow apart (2:08). Losing her hurts him, as he lost the only real friend he had left, so all that’s left to him is his suffocating city of chocolate (2:30). He tries to just keep enjoying his little comforts and joys (2:45), but it’s not enough as his “heart is destitute” (3:08). His pain and guilt continues to eat away at him from the inside. Being alone isn’t enough for him, and he won’t let himself truly connect with other people. Combine that with his focus on simple pleasures, and it’s no surprise that he turns to being on top of the ‘social heirarchy’ as a teenager in “Demon Dance Tokyo.” 

Demon Dance Tokyo (Green):

This song depicts 3 people touring around Tokyo, dressed in the finest clothes and dining on the finest food. In actuality, this city is in the MC's head, and is a metaphorical manifestation of his psyche. That's the style and layout of this series, they all take place in the MC's head, and almost all are in a city that changes from song to song to reflect his mental state. In this case, he sees this touristy, trendy world because he's like a desperate tourist, trying to run away from his problems by flying off somewhere else and drowning in the superficial; food, parties, clothes, women, etc. Since he repressed his guilt over his sister's death, this is how he chases happiness; by running away from that guilt and chasing materialistic fulfillment. Relationships to him are the same way. He just chases after people who look trendy and beautiful to him, and puts on a fake mask to appear cool. That greed is personified by his crocodile form dining on the women and the massive Godzilla towering over the city. He wants to be above everyone. At 2:40 of that song, his undercurrent of loneliness takes over, as it often does, because those kinds of relationships never last. At 2:57, that loneliness overcomes him, making him desperate. He's still selfish and bad at relationships, but he swears to one girl that he'll be her everything on matter what. This leads into the next song....

Nonsense Literature (Black):

This is where things really get bad for the MC. Out of desperate loneliness, he tries to get into a serious relationship with this girl (maybe one of the girls from the last song), but he doesn’t really know how to connect with people anymore, putting thick mental walls between them. Despite regularly meeting with the girl, he doesn't really know her at all,which is why she has a cone on her head throughout the video. As a result, their relationship is no more than "becoming idiots, dancing on air," so it doesn't take long for them to start fighting and disagreeing, at 1:16. Since he refuses to open up to her, he starts to feel trapped and bitter around her, becoming paranoid at 1:29, and eventually believing she's taking advantage of him and lying to him, that she doesn't understand him at all, that he doesn't even understand himself, that he might be going a bit crazy, but they keep hanging out, during 1:42. At 2:00, he can't take it anymore. "I lost my composure when you laughed at me in scorn;" either he was genuinely betrayed by her or he just misunderstood. Either way, that betrayal severely damages him, and depression takes over hard. While you see many tiny dancing demons throughout these MVs, the main face of his depression is the mysterious cloaked One-Eyed Man. He essentially acts as the devil on his shoulder, feeding him all the worst ideas, telling him to protect only himself, morality be damned, and believing that he's doing it for his sake, that he's protecting him. In this case, he uses this moment of weakness after his betrayal to take control of the MC. He rips his guts out, opens up his head, and stuffs it with books. It’s the same as whispering into his ear "you don't need people, they'll only hurt you. You don’t need this world, it will only hurt you. I’m all you need. Use this sharpened blade of words to ensure no one will ever do this to you again." The MC, smiling, gratefully accepts. He cuts ties with that girl, as well as the rest of the world. He's become a monster: safe, but empty.

Dramaturgy (Light Blue):

This one is basically "depression the song." This time the world is like a stage play, with the MC being an actor. After shutting himself out from the world, he's lonelier than ever before, his self esteem skyrocketed down, and his life has come to a screeching halt. He no longer even feels human. Every day is a struggle just to keep on living. By making the whole world into the enemy, he's incapable of revealing any of himself to them, disassociating to the point that he might as well be just an actor wearing a mask. He's trapped even within the safety of his own mind. If you act only how everyone wants you to act all the time, eventually you feel like there are actual physical walls all around you. It's exhausting to keep up, and you start to forget who you are. He’s also developed an inferiority complex, and a fear of other people. He just doesn’t want to be betrayed again. At 2:13, he wants to reach a climax where he breaks out of these walls around him, but he can't do it, because he NEEDS them, they’re there to protect him. The One-Eyed Man makes sure he never forgets this. At 3:28, we get a kaleidoscope zoom-in to the MC's psyche, which stops at a floating white cube. These cubes contain him at his deepest level, his fundamental perception of himself. His hopelessness, and the One-Eyed Man's words have reached to his very core and torn him apart at the deepest level. At 3:48, he's lost himself. He likely becomes a shut-in at this point as well, only doing the most basic necessities and heading straight to his room when he gets the chance.

As You Like It (Yellow):

You might’ve noticed that although yellow’s the most prevalent, this MV has plenty more color to offer. It's probably the most colorful so far even. Not only that, the pacing's way faster, the music more upbeat. Why would this come immediately after the most depressing and hopeless song yet? That's because this song is in the MC's imagination, like a daydream. While he's lost almost all hope, trapped in his own head and unable to move forward, he's still able to cling to hope by escaping reality into this fantasy. In this escapist world, he's cooler, a popular musical artist, singing his heart out to a big crowd. And he's able to conquer his fears, deal with his stresses, and connect with a girl the way he wishes he could. After all, while he doesn’t let himself connect with others out of fear, whether he realizes it or not,he just wants to be loved and understood. So he makes up this ideal fantasy girl with perfect fashion taste (0:03), who can do that for him. In the song, he represses his true self in the form of the Glove-Mask Man so that he can deal with life’s stresses (which hit him one after the other at 0:35, and are symbolized by the rocket taking off at 0:22), and he disassociates, literally splitting into two people. He starts to struggle against him (1:33) so that his honest self can reach her, and he finally pulls it off at the end, her responding with a wholehearted smile (3:26). A perfect conclusion. Thing is, his ideal girl is a reflection of reality as well. The playground at 0:28, where he wishes he could go back to his childhood memories, partly shows that he’s letting his past drag him down, but he also describes talking with this girl in memories of old, because he had a real-life friend when he was young that he would talk with at a similar playground. She is his goal in these dreams, because he never forgot those times they had together, and he has subconsciously idealized her as a result. On a sadder note, this fantasy also confirms that he’s become a shut-in in reality, as we see him lock himself away in his room (1:02). That’s what he wishes he could escape from. Regardless of the truth behind the scenes, this dream of his gives him hope that he’ll get through this difficult time.

Outsider:

Now we leave the escapism and return to the MC’s mind he’s trapped in. All the past colors come into play here, as we see that the only color in his world comes from these past scars and experiences. He can’t see anything else, he’s painted by them. The test tubes everywhere (0:59) show that he's genuinely trying to deal with his pain by organizing and compartmentalizing it, and by grasping onto hope with his fantasy, he's able to get by. But he's not at all perfect at it, with his little demon-monsters knocking over test-tubes and purposely painting each other. The pipes everywhere all lead to his brain, with each of them pumping these experiences and memories into him. It’s like they’re in his blood stream, a part of him. These pipes also nourish past monsters, like the Godzilla monster depicting his narcissism. He’s come to hate these less desirable parts of himself, so at 1:30 he tries to just break the tubes to sever that part of him, but that just breaks the overall flow, flooding his brain with black, bringing him back to square one. You can’t just get angry at yourself and remove all your flaws. It takes immense time and dedication. This accidental overflow causes some of the monsters to transform into even worse forms. At 3:02 he's sitting next to an especially nasty-looking demon, shaded black and red. This demon is a reminder that his refusal to confront his guilt toward his sister is at the heart of all of this. He keeps struggling with himself, hating himself, and he won’t tackle the fundamental problems. But at least he’s fighting. The last lyric "because this tiny bit of courage will ignite the fire in my heart," shows that just by being aware of the struggle, he's trying to change and improve, he's not giving up.

Tokyo Ghetto:

This song takes place after a lot of time has passed. His cityscape is more dilapidated and volatile. Now, instead of the One-Eyed Man, the prime demon in control is the blue robot with the teeth mask. The robot symbolizes anxiety, a primal, damn near uncontrollable feeling which desires to keep him here by any means. He’s always watching, and he’s not afraid to get physical against the MC when push comes to shove. The shady-looking people in the town are extensions of that anxiety, individual worries and fears. This is why the town is more colorful, yet somehow more harsh and uninviting. All this time has allowed the anxiety to get in his head, to drive his imagination wild and fill his heart with more and more worries. He wants to believe these worries are on his side, but they just want the easiest path(1:41), they don’t give a damn about his wishes. The MC makes meager attempts to escape from the hell of his own mind, always being swiftly pulled back into a never-ending cycle (0:40). After a long while of this, he meets a girl who he sees much of himself in, and he reaches out to someone for the first time in a long while, in the hopes of maybe being saved by her (1:02). Problem is, she acts the same way he used to back in Tokyo Dance, and he winds up getting a taste of his own medicine. Every time he tries to get close to her, she just pushes him away. Like him, she’s actually hiding pain from the past too; she just refuses to show it (2:01, “it was sentimental, though it wasn’t like you at all) . At 2:40, we get a full glimpse into her mind. Many pairs of her shoes are bound together all around her, symbolizing that day after day she ties herself down, and the holy statue behind her symbolizes her holier-than-thou attitude. At 2:55, she happily bites into one of those shoes, drawing her own blood. She hasn’t yet learned that her self-destructive lifestyle isn’t the right way to go. At 2:59, we see their two psyches summed up perfectly. The girl, shrouded in darkness, putting up a cool front and slowly losing herself, standing confidently all the while. The MC, aware that he’s in a bad place, but desperately groveling, searching for any kind of escape at all. Without being able to find solace in the girl, shadows grow, the town floods, monsters come out of the sewers, the Blue Robot gathers his power (2:55). The MC’s anxiety is bubbling up as his desperation to find an escape increases. He’s pinned down by the water (symbolizing stress and struggle to change), and with the girl out of his reach, merely electing to watch him crumble, the Blue Robot is free to strike with all his might, revealing his true, monstrous form (3:48). The MC, in his weakened state, is torn to bits, reduced to trash (4:01). He’s back to square one, and the cycle begins again. He remains trapped in the Tokyo Ghetto.

Ambivalent:

After being trapped in that cycle for so long, the MC decides that he needs to do some serious soul searching. He looks deep into his subconscious, deeper than any song that’s come before. He peers all the way into his basic, fundamental outlook on life, to try to get to the heart of the problem. Keep in mind that he’s not trying to commit to any real action; he’s just introspecting, trying to take a look at his core values. This world is split in two sectors: the safe pink room, where his heart and memories lie, and the planet, which symbolizes change and reality, or rather his perception of it. He’s been resting in the pink room, stagnant, for so long that everything is overgrown, and his heart is weak, without motivation. Even resting is exhausting for him, something he’s only able to do thanks to his yellow wheelchair representing his hopes (As You Like It). The MC wants to understand why he can’t venture out onto that planet. Every time he tries, it’s a labyrinth of endless signs all telling him to stop and turn back. The plants themselves attack and hurt him. It’s a volatile world full of unknowns and hostiles. The source of this hostility is the disagreement between him and the cat, who's with him at all times here (1:26). Believe it or not, this cat is the One-Eyed Man’s true form. He doesn’t appear mysterious or “all-seeing” because the MC is self-aware of the One-Eyed Man’s influence, and he’s just thinking in the safety of his room; the One-Eyed Man has no power without perceived danger. He’s a cat because he represents the primal part of us from long before humanity developed complicated cognitive ability and intelligence. He only cares about the MC's safety and desires, and doesn’t give a damn about anything or anyone else. He was always watching, acting as the hidden voice behind every decision. When the MC wanted to run away from the pain of his sister's death (Sister), he helped him. When the MC desired safety from the world above all else (Nonsense Literature), he granted it to him. When he struggled with depression (Dramaturgy), deep down that desire never actually left. When that desire became the core of his being, the cat even created the Blue Robot as a sort of "hired muscle" to keep the MC in check for his own good. Despite the awfulness of the One-Eyed Man's actions, he’s just granting the MC's wishes. He genuinely cares about the MC and wants what’s best for him; that’s why he’s so cute and small. But the MC has been blaming him for all of his problems, without understanding his own responsibility in the matter, leaving them at an impasse (1:26). They both come to understand their disagreement with the words: “when I was a kid, I picture myself as a main protagonist in this world. I started to get embarrassed so I turned my eyes away.” (1:36). He's finally come to accept and understand his share of the blame, rather than just blaming the cat. His hair being green here could also show that he never truly grew past his selfishness after all this time. He begins to recall all the things he’s taken for granted and ignored in his life, and he realizes he wants to protect them (1:48). He doesn’t want to just be selfish, he wants to live for their sakes and be useful to them. Now that they’re talking on even terms, the cat can understand his desire for selflessness and gives him a match. They've agreed to stop letting memories of fear and pain that have long since passed guide their every move, so they burn them away (2:00). Those times won’t disappear, but it doesn’t mean they can’t move beyond them. The cat now realizes he was being overprotective, and that the MC can make his own decisions, so he decides to try and get out of his way (2:15). The MC's world is no longer centered around his own desire; he can see the 'bigger picture' (2:24). But while the cat is taking a more reserved role in his life, he didn't completely disappear (2:55). After all, desire is what gives our lives meaning. The difference is that the two are now a pair bringing out the best in one another, a balanced mix of selflessness and desire. Now that they’re in agreement, a world of possibilities is open to them, and the MC is ready to reach out and grab them, and begin his life again (3:01).

Last Dance:

The MC has now returned to the outer layers of his mind, and he wants to turn his newfound paradigm shift into action. Due to this shift, the city’s layout has gotten more realistic, lively, elegant, and inviting, far closer to the real world. He and his demons are hiding from it all at the center of his mind, a small, comfy room resting above a black center (2:32). This is to show that the MC is aware that the real world wasn't the problem; his own outlook was. His nails are being painted red by a demon to show how long he’s been letting these memories paint him without fighting back (0:22). He doesn’t blame them though, he understands himself and how this all came to be, so he gives one of his demons a hug (0:25). The room is more organized and homey to reflect his understanding. But he sees how small his world has been, and he wants to try and get out. He’s decided what he wants to do, but still easily comes apart when trying to move (0:37). He's put back together, revived by the support of the One-Eyed Man, who's lost his overbearing, omnipresent appearance, and learned to keep his dark side more under control (0:41). It's possible he's even taken on 3 different forms simultaneously, to reflect how both he and the MC now understand his multifaceted nature (0:47, 1:00, and 1:03). So the MC is spiritually strong, but he still unravels in the face of anxiety. At 0:33, he says “with different values, that guy who I hate put on a ridiculous sneer," referring to the Blue Robot, his main enemy. Even though the One-Eyed Man created the Blue Robot, it was never in his control. Anxiety doesn't think for itself; it's a raw, unfiltered emotion that carries out its objective long after its needed. The MC can't beat it alone, even with the One-Eyed Man's help. He realizes he absolutely needs the support of others if he’s going to move forward, and he needs a goal to get him moving in the short-term. He recalls the thing that’s given him hope for all this time, the person who was at the center of all his hopes for tomorrow, and the person he wants to protect most (1:52). It was a girl who spent time with him back when his sister first died. He was in a dark place and full of guilt, and that girl’s kindness gave him hope. But he drifted apart from her due to feeling guilty that he didn’t deserve to be around someone like her, that he would only get in her way. But he always idealized her, and those memories kept him going long after they stopped meeting. The elegant woman dancing is his perception of that memory (1:52). She’s also the girl from As You Like It, but that version of her was only a fantasy he himself didn’t even realize was based on her. She’s here because he only now consciously realized this, and he wants to reach out to her again and start over, without being selfish or afraid. Now fully motivated, he vows to be like “the melancholic patients who chose tomorrow,” and venture out into the world in spite of fear (2:12). He’s taking a leap of faith, venturing on a thin balance beam along with all his demons (3:02-3:32). Obviously they won’t really leave, since they’re a part of his psyche now. He has to understand and accept them, thereby rendering them harmless, or at least manageable. He reaches the girl (3:36), but before this point, he realized something about her. Notice that her hair is painted a light blue, the color of Dramaturgy? This means that throughout the song, upon examining his memories of her more closely, he realizes that she wasn’t as perfect as he was choosing to remember her. In reality, she was suffering too, and the reason they drifted apart so easily was because they both felt undeserving of each other. Deep down a part of him always knew, but when he gets a taste of the blue paint, (2:14) it's the first time he consciously considers the idea. When she tears off her hair and he gently caresses it, he accepts that her pain was real (3:15). He's finally taken the physical journey out of his mind, and he gives her a gentle, honest smile; a far cry from his actions in Demon Dance Tokyo (3:35). At 3:58, the One-Eyed Man gives the MC a book from Nonsense Literature, this time as an honest offering. The One-Eyed Man will help him through this new chapter as a partner, rather than a controlling force.

We’re Still Underground (Orange):

Now it’s time for the grand finale, We’re Still Underground, in which everything finally comes together in the most stunning video so far. This video marks the first time the MC has ever accepted the real physical world in the entire series. After Last Dance, he’s finally venturing outside of his room and moving forward again. As a result, this video is the real world mixed together with his mind. It’s almost like a fantasy world, filled with weird and unknown things. After all, in Last Dance he said “I will not understand everything right now,” but he’s still going to move forward. The camera shows reality, then pans down to the MC’s perception of things. His mind is now jaw-droppingly beautiful and full of color and life. The crows from Tokyo Ghetto are now beautiful pink birds, and big flying ‘monsters’ personify his newfound hope and optimism (0:14). The world is filled with vegetation and vines, similar to the blue planet from Ambivalent. Again, this is all new and uncertain to him, so it’s covered with the same vegetation. At 0:20, we see that much of the city is flooded, calling back to the water from Tokyo Ghetto. He’s moving forward, but much of the world is closed off to him due to that stress and worry. At 0:28, cloth being hung like laundry symbolizes how the MC is more collected and calm than before. We zoom into the house he’s spent so much time in, and it’s dark, overcrowded, and filled with masks symbolizing his mental journey (0:35). As an added bonus, his hair is orange, which is the color we’d often see in Outsider when all the colors were mixed together. He finally ventures out to fulfill a basic task, buying from a gas station, but even that proves to be a little too much. The people around him are shifty looking like in Tokyo Ghetto, and eventually a big octopus busts in and forces him to leave and settle for a vending machine (0:40). Both in the gas station and vending machine, you see the eye from the One-Eyed Man marking various items and signs, symbolizing that he’s using desire for the end goal and new things drive him forward (0:41, 0:43, and 0:46). The lyrics here are him wondering if he’s good enough for the girl he’s going to try and meet again, and deciding that if she’s hurting so much, then he needs to help her through it. Meanwhile, we finally learn who this girl he looks up to actually is. She looks very different from any version the MC had in his mind, dressing quite plain and modest, and having both blue hair and blue eyes, perhaps to symbolize her Dramaturgy-type depression. We learn that that song sums her up pretty well, but her depression still takes a somewhat different form from the MC. She’s not afraid to go out, but the life she’s living is completely dictated by other people. She’s afraid to do anything for herself. This is why she receives texts from the One-Eyed Man, and her world looks so realistic, dark, and rainy. She believes this is the only possible road for her, that THIS is reality. She’s like the opposite of the MC; she’s TOO selfless, and her One-Eyed Man, her desires, have taken on the form of everyone around her, as it believes that’s the safest route for her. She herself is empty. At 0:53, the playground is fenced off; no playtime allowed, your childhood doesn’t matter, your memories don’t matter, those times you played with the MC as kids (As You Like It) don’t matter. At 0:54, she sits in her house, dejected, the zombie poster behind her a good description for her mental state, and there’s a constant hue of water all around her. She always feels like she’s drowning, anxious that something about this isn’t right, that she’s about to lose herself. Meanwhile, MC is biking over to meet her (0:59), but they both end up falling into water (1:06), drowning in anxiety right at the moment before they both meet. Once they meet, they each see an answer in each other, a person to rely on in this difficult stage of their life. The two of them are then seen running toward a sort of junkyard of gold (1:26). Now that they see hope in one another, they are able to catch a glimpse of all the good things in life that they had taken for granted, ignored, treated as trash. Upon seeing it, they decide they want to move forward, and bite into an apple, symbolizing rebirth like Adam and Eve. They’re accepting this new chapter, and all the sin and desire and change that comes with it. For a moment, at 1:40, the girl sees the world the way MC does, with the beautiful monsters and rising bubbles everywhere. She’s inspired by his hope, and realizes she’s “still underground;” something needs to change.

At 1:44, the camera pans underground to show us a web of complex piping and overgrowth. It’s meant to call back to Outsider, and I think to show that while he’s moving on and changing, he still has an undercurrent of guilt with him. At 1:49, we see the girl surrounded by posters of people. They all have one eye; she doesn’t just feel oppressed and subservient to her loved ones, she also feels like she must be obedient to society’s whims as well. The lyrics here are calling back to everything that the MC went through in the past, especially Tokyo Ghetto at 1:55, where he remembers that giving up made him feel at ease, and that he feels helpless because of it. But his hopes and dreams (2:06) kept him believing in tomorrow. We see more shots of the duality between the two of them. At 2:15 we see the girl skateboarding on a bright green skateboard, rather out of place and spontaneous, hinting that she’s playing at embracing her individuality and optimism again. (Also, at 2:20 we see a poster of an apple with the One-Eye on it. This could further imply that rebirth and upheaval are what she truly desires deep down). The line at 2:22 “I’m not saying this as a joke, but everyone mocked me,” could imply that either his selfish, fake self of old would never be listened to by others, or that the demon residents of his mind aren’t going to help him (again calling back to Tokyo Ghetto). At 2:21, both characters’ strong desires for change finally manifest in a Matrix-style “red pill, blue pill” choice. They now have to take a true leap of faith, and accept that their lives are going to change irreversibly from this point on. We don’t see them choose, but the line “It’s goodbye to this town,” speaks for itself. At 2:26, we get a badass shot of the pair as two halves of the same whole, perfectly in agreement on what must be done. They’ll support each other through what happens next. At 2:28 we see a massive protest from the less agreeable parts of his mind, likely people from Tokyo Ghetto and on the far left the glove man from As You Like It. The billboards say “No,” and “Give Up,” and some have the One-Eye on them, perhaps a plea for the One-Eyed Man to return to their side. At 2:31, the MC and girl are seen spraying graffiti in direct rebellion to everyone, perhaps a last burst of courage before making the big choice. At 2:35 we see the MC abandon his bike in a carnival, perhaps a last goodbye to his naive childhood and an acceptance of adulthood. At 2:36 we see the girl with an umbrella in the rain, which is meant to further connect her to As You Like It. At 2:45, the pair has made their choice, and the town begins its massive upheaval. At 2:51, the two are back in the playground they used to play at, swinging way up in a leap of faith, looking toward the skies. At 3:00, “there will be no rerun,” this is the moment. At 3:08, he vows not to avert his eyes anymore, to accept whatever life throws at him without running away. At 3:13, the pair move up toward the future, toward the skies. The line at 3:18 is extremely important, as the MC directly calls back to when the two were young at the playground. He remembers how the guilt they both felt kept them from relying on one another, and while he treasures the friendship they had, he wants to make sure they never grow apart like that again. 3:23 is them coming to fully understand where they went wrong at that playground, and where they went wrong after they drifted apart. The MC’s mind is filled with symbolism; books from Nonsense Literature, birds for his greed and overactive mind, board game pieces for his attempts to distract himself and shun other people, every-day appliances for his focus on basic survival rather than true living, the list goes on. The girl, however, is completely empty, just an empty husk with no will of her own. They vow that while they’ll always be imperfect, they never want to return to this state of being. They cast aside these fake, improper forms they’ve made for themselves. At 3:36, we get to see VCR tape footage, a clear sign that this is in the past, showing sketches the two shared at that playground as kids. This calls directly back to Sister’s paper notebook style. Sketching was how the MC expressed himself as a kid, so it was deeply personal for him, and it looks like for the girl too. The images of a monster boy and a magical girl with horns come across as cries for help and a desire to escape, but neither of them realized the other’s suffering. This was where it all began, at a time where neither of them really understood what was happening to them; they were just kids. The VCR tape then shuts off, we see flashes of the town, and a messy drawing of the MC saying “goodbye.” He’s finally made peace with himself, he accepts the mistakes he made, he’s saying goodbye to that naive child that was behind every decision of his, and moving on. At 3:51, the two are played in reverse, undoing the damage they’ve been causing to themselves. This is a goodbye to their self-destructive tendencies. The line “wait for the 1, 2 signal,” directly calls back to As You Like It, and how once they get the ball rolling, things are going to happen really damn fast, and they need to be ready for it. 4:03 is the epic climax, where the Blue Robot, anxiety, once again appears in a last-ditch effort to stop the two. He’s not in control anymore, and he knows this, so he reveals his true form: a massive, feral, insane, uncontrolled mess of fear that wrecks havoc all across the city, almost like it’s willing to destroy the whole thing if it has to. The two are prepared, and together they run with everything they’ve got. At 4:14, we see masses of planes dropping hellfire on the beast in an attempt to quell it. Perhaps this is the One-Eyed Man, dropping in one last bit of support for the two. Maybe it’s a show that the pair now has more control over their minds, and are finally able to fight back against the entities that used to control them. Whichever it is, it’s enough to save them, and at 4:21 the sun rises, the two safe and sound overlooking the now destroyed city. At 4:23, the cube from Dramaturgy, their core, is perfectly fine, showing that they’ll get through this massive upheaval intact. At 4:25, we see that amidst the destruction, a massive tree has sprouted up, symbolizing rebirth. Perhaps this tree was able to sprout up from the piping underneath, meaning that the two making peace with themselves allowed their pasts to finally stop clogging up their brains. Finally, the video rewinds to before their upheaval, and we see the MC’s room, this time in the real world, no strings attached. We’ve finally been shown the real life setting for the vast majority of the MVs. Not long after, the MC pukes up darkness, which is a little nod to the fact that while the world itself wasn’t technically real, the pain and struggle he was going through certainly was.

This World To You:

This song is like the epilogue of the MC’s journey. He’s overcome his inner cycle which has kept him trapped for all this time, learned to empathize and think things through (2:07), and he’s now able to confront the feelings that were at the core of this struggle all along: his guilt toward his sister. During a beautiful purple sunset, he’s bicycling through the vivid new world open to him, grieving for her and accepting that “her tomorrow’s never coming” (0:48). This acceptance hurts him (0:31), and at first it even feels like he’d rather things just remain the way they are, (0:37) but it’s the only way he can learn from his mistakes and become someone she’d be proud of. He thinks from the newly found perspective he has, and seeing things more objectively, more selflessly, he wonders how similar her life was to his (1:11). He’s seeing his sister not as a vague, hazy image built up in his head made up of his worries, anxieties, and guilt, but as a normal person, with their own worries, feelings, problems, and dreams. By empathizing with his sister, coming to terms with the improper image of her he built up in his head, he’s able to move on, and empathize with other people in a similar way. By doing this, he no longer has reason to be afraid of the world out there, and he can start to reach other people’s hearts, learning from the mistakes he made in the past. Instead of wallowing in remorse over his sister, he can be someone she’d be proud of, and help other people who are hurting in the way he couldn’t with her. This spurs him on, and although the fact that she died so early is a fact he’ll always carry with him (1:52), he’s found a hope for tomorrow he’s needed all his life (2:14). However, he also accepts that death and pain is always a possibility (2:20), and that things won’t always go his way. But instead of fall into despair, he’s able to believe that things will get better, and that he has the power to make them better, reflected in the beautiful vista filled with sea creatures swimming in the sky (2:38). The creature at 2:39 is elegant, beautiful, a sight to behold, vividly painted by all sorts of colors, a callback to Underground. Its face also looks similar to the girl he’s managed to reach, symbolizing that reaching her is one of the cores of his hope. Throughout the video, we see the city to change to reflect the MC’s stream of consciousness. At (0:02), the MC is recovering from the wreckage after the mental battle in Underground, and he’s dealing with the grief of his sister, and as he comes to terms with it, the buildings gradually get cleaner and more structured, eventually colored with lights of his empathy and understanding. At (1:51), he continues to change toward hope and acceptance, and he moves toward an industrial zone, reflecting how the city is moving forward, springing back from this change stronger than ever, rebuilding and even adding new zones and structure. At (2:12), we see the sign “think it through,” as a reminder that the one-eyed man, once a force he saw as evil, is now a friend, working with him to overcome his anxieties and fears. The signs throughout the city spatter negativity like “arrogant” and “pathetic” and “regret,” but are now mixed in with “hope” and “future” and “I would put a flag here.” Then at (2:37), his hope is stronger than ever.  Then finally, the MC’s empathy and selflessness is made manifest in a way it never has been before. At  (3:01), the MC’s city seamlessly transitions into the perspective of the girl, and at (3:20) it beautifully changes into the girl’s more realistic view of the city. By empathizing with and reaching her, part of her perspective has now become his, as he’s able to learn from her and see things more objectively. He’s come to terms with his guilt, and allowed himself to truly connect with someone. By doing this, the world has opened up to him, and he’s finally able to become a part of society. He has made it.

Baumkuchen End:

At this point the MC has managed to enter society and step into the real world without running away (0:09 and 0:16). Rather than monsters of anxiety and fear, everyone he sees are normal people just like him. However, things aren’t going quite how he thought they would. He’s not afraid anymore (0:46), but he feels surprisingly empty. The world is a little less vivid than Underground, and the MC’s hair has been colored white, blank and aimless. He’s realized that things are more complicated than he expected. He went through so much to overcome his mental hangups, and now that he’s succeeded, life is still going forward. He’s struggled with that mental cycle (symbolized by the orange and blue swirl at 0:57) for so long, that he’s having a hard time seeing past it, and he feels unsure what to do with himself now that the cycle which defined him for so long is gone (0:45, “there’s nothing left to do”). In Tokyo Ghetto, the reason he couldn’t escape from himself was that deep down, he didn’t really want to leave. Part of him wants to go back to that time where things made sense, and he could comfortably wallow in hopelessness and self-pity (0:30). It’s like he hoped that once he reached this point, the credits would roll and everyone would live happily ever after (0:34, “there seems to be no ‘critical hit,’” and 0:37, “I was expecting an answer,” and we see the MC’s many paths disappear in front of him, leaving a blank wall of vague white). Not only that, but the MC is having a harder time with empathy than he expected. He wants to see beyond himself, but his own limitations are getting in the way of that. His ego has swelled somewhat after his victory (0:41), against his better judgment. Whether he likes it or not, he’s not an omniscient being that can just teleport into other people’s perspectives and points of view; he’s a human being, with their own emotions and biases and egos, and he can only see other people through the cage of his own skin. At 0:24, he vents over this struggle, lamenting “it’s all about me,” feeling both “disgusted and separated.” He hates these limitations and how he’s growing apart from the girl he reached out to. He’s afraid of getting trapped in a never-changing rut in which he can’t reach anyone, never changes, and slowly loses himself again (symbolized by the optical illusion triangle surrounded by orange inside the MC. It’s a cycle, always moving further inward, never changing.) However, things are far from hopeless. The MC isn’t the kind to give up anymore. He’s grown, and he’s more self-aware of his predicament. Throughout the video he’s introspecting, thinking to himself (0:48) and refusing to look away from the problem (0:43, 0:29, 0:38, 0:46, all throughout the video). To deal with these newfound problems, rather than get complacent and give up, he’s decided to ‘go back to school’ (0:41 and 0:58) and accept that he still has a lot to learn, that he needs to keep improving. And this time he has plenty of help. All the sides of his mind that were once his enemies: the one-eyed man’s multiple sides, the black blob of terror, the anxiety bot, and the bull-faced man (which is a japanese symbol of young people’s perspective of society); now that he’s managed to reign them in and keep them in check, he understands that they’re a part of him and they’re not going away. So instead of shunning and hating them, he’s decided to teach them how to work together (0:58). And since they’ve always wanted to help him, they eagerly accept. Through this teacher-student relationship, he’s realizing that there’s a lot he can learn from them, and they can actually help him in positive ways, like a paradigm shift. They actually have more sides and depth to them than he realized, and by shunning and fighting them, he was suppressing important parts of himself needed to improve. For example, the MC let desire aimlessly control him for so long (1:10, a strong callback to the brown of Chocolate Town), that for the longest time he ran from and shunned it (1:12). However, that desire is actually needed to motivate oneself to learn and change. That’s why the MC’s other sides are now wearing brown (0:47), because they’re all painted by the MC’s personal desire to improve. Understanding this, at 1:15 the anxiety bot makes a “no” motion, to tell him that he shouldn’t run from it. Speaking of the anxiety bot, his appearance has changed; he looks more inviting and friendly, and isn’t defined by the blue of depression anymore. “Anxiety bot” isn’t really the right name anymore, now he should be called “Motivation bot” instead. Because of the MC’s paradigm shift, the bot isn’t focused on instilling fear anymore. It’s instead focused on giving the MC a desire to improve. Because he needs a little fear to put things into perspective and keep from getting caught in a rut. He needs that reminder that time is limited, and that if he doesn’t do something, he may very well end up lost and alone. They both believe in him and know he’s strong enough to manage, so they use that fear as drive to move forward. Anxiety’s been symbolized by water throughout these MVs, and we need water to survive, so the MC keeps it under control and make sure he only takes it in in small doses (symbolized by the water bottle at 0:44).

Now that all of this is in place, the MC can start to really confront and understand the problem. He decides that the main thing he wants motivating him is the fear that the girl is suffering, with him unable to reach her or help, basically a repeat of what happened all those years ago (1:16). He’s not going to let that happen, and we see him twirling a yellow key (1:23). This is a callback to the fantasy he dreamed up in As You Like It, and how he realizes the fight isn’t over, he still needs to make that dream real. He defiantly declares “I don’t care if it’s a lie” (1:24). He’s going to make it real. At 1:25 his other sides all proudly take the stage. This calls back to Dramaturgy, but now he’s not afraid of the stage, he embraces it confidently. Now, after deciding his next move (1:30), he takes action. His first step is to hear the girl’s perspective for himself, to ensure he doesn’t create a convenient image of her in his head like he did with his sister. At 1:33 he talks to her with the support of his other sides. He opens up to her, sharing his worries and fears (“when he gets annoyed with his daily routine, he wants to break it down”). He talks in the third person because he’s starting to look at himself without being as clouded by emotion. In response, she confides in him. She tells him that she’s still having a hard time, she’s not sure if she can manage through the day-to-day, desperately gripping the rails (1:42). At 1:45 we see a shot of stairs, symbolizing that she’s suffering an uphill battle, unable to see her destination. Not too different from the MC’s situation. The girl is in a hospital gown connected to an IV, calling back to the hospital theme of Last Dance. Whereas before she was an elegant light as he struggled sick in bed, now she’s the one who needs his help. He processes what she said (1:48), and realizes that of course just reaching out to her isn’t enough. She needs to be helped through her predicament. If anyone here’s played Persona, think social links. Just wanting to help isn’t enough. He needs to regularly make time for her, teach himself how to properly talk to her, and gain life experiences. Basically, before he can tell her how to improve her life, he needs to work to improve his OWN life, turn himself into someone she can look up to, instead of just wallowing in his uselessness. This snaps him back to reality, gets him out of his doldrum (1:52 “I was attacked by this helpless dizzy night”), and we even see him reading a self-help book. A little bonus detail, in the background of the train as the MC is fighting to improve himself, we see the girl from Tokyo Ghetto, wallowing in self-pity. Turns out letting herself be consumed by her bad habits didn’t work out so well, and now she’s all alone. It could also be the MC’s old self from Tokyo Ghetto, as a visual reminder of how far he’s come. Back on track, we see the MC visiting a bakery, and ordering a strange ring cake, a Baumkuchen (1:55). This cake appears throughout the MV, and is a visual metaphor for the MC’s current actions, and how his perspective has changed. The cake is visually similar to a tree trunk, and a tree is a symbol of strength. It lives for up to entire centuries, and almost nothing can bring it down. This is possible because of its incredibly sturdy trunk and roots dug deep into the ground. A tree has rings in its trunk as a marking of its age, and the more rings it has, the longer it’s lived. This means that the stronger and wiser a tree is, the more rings it will have. Quoting a Japanese chef who specializes in Baumkuchen, “The appeal of the cake is in its many layers. The layers represent the accumulation of happiness, making it a strong icon of luck.” Sound similar? So by purchasing this cake, he’s moved beyond the As You Like It fantasy in which he does one big thing and the credits roll. Now he understands that the story’s never really over. To keep himself from falling back into his old ways, he has to create a sturdy trunk out of many small rings. This means taking on positive habits and responsibilities that he continues constantly throughout his life; working a job, going to school, scheduling his time, learning to cook, reading books to learn. He seeks to keep getting more rings, making more roots, and never getting too set in his routine. He now understands that the battle is never truly over, and he can always improve more. That’s why he’s willing to jump off the building for the cake at 2:05, because he comes to accept its importance. Once he does that, everything clicks, and he sees the light again. At 2:08, the girl’s IV is juxtaposed against the beauty of the sky. At 2:15, the Motivation Bot acts as a sort of gatekeeper. He hears the MC’s newfound purpose, and allows him to move beyond his little apartment from 0:25. At 2:18, he becomes more self-aware. He sees the enormity of the world, and how much he has to learn, and he realizes that if he keeps assuming he’s done all he can then he won’t be able to keep up. At the same time, it’s beautiful, and full of opportunity. At 2:28, the other selves watch him with pride, and once things have sunk in, they’re there to calm him down and snap him back into reality. Now the MC’s learning from them. They listen intently, (2:33) and once he’s ready to fight to get his life together and reach the girl, the Motivation Bot gives him a big hearty throw to get him started (2:42). At 2:47 we see the chairs the MC had been resting on, painted orange and blue to symbolize his previous cycle of guilt and self-destruction. They’re now empty, as proof that the MC is finally setting himself up to move beyond that cycle. At 2:45 the girl’s anxiety and hopelessness coalesces into a teddy bear, a callback to Ano Ko Secret. This is a final challenge to the MC’s selfishness and childishness, something he must overcome to finally reach others. Since her pain is a reflection of his, he’s essentially fighting himself too, and the bear attacks him with a laser at 2:53, tearing down part of the red tower from Demon Dance Tokyo. If you remember, in that song the tower was a symbol of the MC’s memory of his sister. Now, it’s being damaged because if the MC can’t grow beyond his past mistakes, he won’t learn from the mistakes he made with his sister, and he won’t be doing her life justice. 2:54 calls back to the MC’s fall at the beginning of As You Like It, a symbol of his frustration and hopelessness toward his situation, but now when he hits the ground (2:59), he takes it in stride, grits his teeth, and keeps running. At 3:04, he uses everything to fight to reach the girl; the memory of his sister, the help of his other selves, his positive habits and drive to improve. At 3:14, for the first time, the girl’s eye is colored with orange, meaning the MC’s efforts have truly touched her. At 3:16, the MC successfully reaches the girl, with the help of all his other sides supporting him. He’s made it,  and at 3:20 the glove man from As You Like It gives him a round of applause. He’s sitting in the orange-blue chair, he’s nothing more than a dream. The MC has accepted that the battle doesn’t just end, made his dream real, and the glove man is proud of him for that. At the beginning of the video, at 0:19, the explosion from As You Like It rocked the MC and girl’s world, but this time he was ready for it, looked straight ahead, and overcame that trial he feared so much. The MC’s journey will continue, and he’ll be ready for whatever comes.

Raison D'etre: 

 The MC reached the girl, and that's deeply affected her. The MC realized he could only help her after helping himself. By being a living example of what she wishes to be, she not only knows she isn't alone, she's also starting to understand what she needs to do. This video is the first time we see solely in the girl's mind rather than the MC. Her outlook's changed from the pure blue of sadness to a mix of the black of discontent and the yellow of hope. As she leaves her now messy room, going about her daily routine, she starts to get lost in introspective thought, likely something she hasn't done in a long time. Her falling into the underground of her mind, it looks similar to Ambivalent. That's because we're looking deep in her subconscious mind, seeing her fundamental outlook. It's like the mind of a child; pieces of an amusement park, a mess of toys and blocks. Our previous looks at her were almost barren of imagination; grey, lifeless, mundane. But here it's full of color and life. This shows all her deeper emotions and hopes were buried deep down inside her, and she kept from becoming totally empty by making sadness her purpose, her identity. Atop it all, we see the queen of this place, an alternate version of her with her old all-blue color scheme. An imposing crescent moon presides over the entire city, and the blue girl wears a similar crescent as a mask. A crescent moon is merely the first stage of the moon's cycle. It's perpetually a crescent moon here because the girl never moves forward, she's always waiting for something to change things for her, and this mentality blinds her. We even see that her leg is chained by blue as further proof. We can see by all the toys and such that she's being childish, she's emotionally immature. She's elected not to think and to just assume things will get better, letting her hopes come to her. If you look closely, her robot-arm things look like distorted, stylized power outlets. We see in her irl room that she's constantly plugged in, a little too exposed to technology. Nowadays our perception of the world is all too skewed by our biases via the internet. We believe what we want to believe, and there will always be a group of people online to confirm it. This girl is no different, the internet is keeping her that much more locked down. We see irl that as she walks around, the uniform grey people around her flicker like a computer glitch. She's not seeing people as they really are, the internet is skewing her perception. When we see her in the subconscious world, she's cloaked in black and red. The red is used to symbolize the girl looking to her past. For the male MC, red was almost always negative until Baumkuchen End, as guilt toward his sister was holding him back. But with the girl, the past is actually a source of hope, as she remembers the good times she had with the MC as a small child. She sees who he was, and who he's become through nothing more than his own strength. She also spins her past regret into something positive, as her failure to see outside herself and reach out to him more back then has turned into a vow to do better now. So her past frustrations and memories are coming at odds with her present blue self who expects others to come and fix things for her. At the 1:30 mark, she wakes up after this realization, horrified, having a bit of a quarter-life crisis. She finally sees things for what they really are, and she knows this can't continue. We then see the irl city surrounded by red, in the windows, street lights, cones. She had the opposite problem of the MC. While he looked to the past too much, she didn't do it enough. She needs to remember the past to remember who she is, to be able to make her own decisions. At 1:40 we see a sort of medical blockade, to show that she's put a much needed temporary stop to things so she can think about where her life's going. As she walks along, moving up stairs rather than down, she sees her black and red reflection. It scares her, because it can't be ignored at all anymore, it's pervading her real life as well. Essentially, there's no going back to her old way of life now that she's seen the truth. In her subconscious, the mental bedrock supporting the irl city fails, and her world turns upside down. Turns out her "realistic" view of the city wasn't any less a delusion than the MC's. She fights with her present self, doing markedly better, and forces her out of the subconscious and into the real world. She can't hide anymore. Now that her present self has been brought into reality, she really starts to see the truth of things. At 2:38, she sees her current path for the barren, ruined wasteland it is, and screams out in discontent. At 2:41, she realizes she'd been drowning in stress and fear the entire time, choosing not to notice. At 2:45, she's in the fetal position surrounded by a cocoon of introspection, a symbol of rebirth. At 2:48, she sees her present self in a beautiful field of reeds, as she comes to understand her. Finally, at 2:57, Her present self is flanked on both sides by red cones. She clearly sees who her enemy is, there's no doubt in her mind anymore. The two fight, her present self almost like that of an omnipresent goddess, what with her blue rays and power of flight. Yet the red girl is still able to reach her, breaking her mask of wait in the process. When she sees her face, she's almost dumbstruck, realizing her present self isn't just her enemy, she's a part of her. The two meet in the middle, coming to an understanding, similar to what the MC did in Ambivalent. The red of the past lifts away, reverting back to the yellow of the future, as the two are ready to move forward. The girl then wakes up with a smile. Like the MC, she's not going to wait on a miracle to come and rescue her anymore. From here on out, she's going to make her own choices, and decide for herself who she wants to be.

*If you’ve read this far, then thank you so much. I’ve really enjoyed making this, and these MVs have felt like looking into a mirror. Whenever I wouldn’t understand what a video means, I would just think in terms of my own struggles and experiences and everything would quickly come together. I doubt any of this was even what Eve and his animators intended, but that’s the beauty of art. Regardless of what an artist intends when making something, its messages can sometimes resonate with its viewers in ways even they didn’t expect. These MVs have impacted me so deeply that I had to get this out there, and if it reaches even one person and helps them a little, then posting this will be worth it.

Bonus Song:

Ano Ko Secret (EVERY color):

I was having a lot of trouble deciding where this song could fit, as it’s just so damn colorful and happy. In a tale about depression and guilt, why would the MC have such a fun romantic comedy amidst it all? He already has a daydream in the form of As You Like It, he doesn’t need another one. And then it seemed obvious. This song is at the beginning, before everything got out of control after the MC’s sister died. The MC and blue-haired girl have their true hair colors, because they’re both real (0:43). They’re both quite young, but because the MC is a standard happy-go-lucky kid (with an overactive mind and a touch of narcissism), he FEELS like a grown-up. When he sees the blue-haired girl, he’s infatuated with her at first sight, so she’s pretty and mysterious, also a grown-up (0:52). The MC is constantly experiencing new things, symbolized by the multi-colored bears popping out of the gacha machines en masse (0:11). He has no idea what the future might hold, but he’s eager to see it all. He even has a good friend in the form of the especially large orange bear (1:22). As orange is what we see when all colors are mixed together, this shows that the MC is able to confide in his friend and be totally honest around him. The fact that he’s a bear instead of a person could also symbolize how the MC literally sees himself as the ‘Main Character’ of his life, and others are background characters. Again, a little on the narcissistic side. But he’s so interested in the girl, that she looks different from everyone else. Because of that interest, he’s afraid to talk to her, so he enlists the help of his friend (1:03). Even together, he can’t gather up the courage, so his friend consoles him (1:19). When he finally does manage to talk to her, (albeit only through texts), all she seems to care about is his friend (1:37). He likely had a crush on her too, so with all her interest centered on the friend, asking her on a date is out of the question. He feels left out, betrayed by his best friend (1:54). But, angered, he refuses to give up, and he pushes past his fear to reach out to her anyway (2:05). Despite his best efforts, his anxiety wins out (symbolized by the black bears shooting down the white bears), and he stops just short of reaching her (2:18). However, he sees the girl reject his friend from the sidelines (2:47), and he rushes over, looking past his feelings of betrayal to console him (3:01). He doesn’t meet the girl, but when he saw her reject his friend, for a moment he saw a bit of himself in her, symbolized by them both exploring the same bear shop at 2:41. It’s a feeling he doesn’t fully understand, but he’s not afraid of her anymore, and he later works up the courage to talk to her off-screen, as proven by later songs. Neither of them truly realizes how similar they are to one another, and how their fates will be later intertwined, but their friendship will be a source of hope for them in the coming years.

[ajokeformur-ray]

Hey if you don't mind doing one for ledger joker and arthur /joker ❤ I'm 18, 1,65 m, fem and polish/german. Kinda goth/punk, wear glasses, naturally brown hair and deal with childhood trauma. I dont wanna be coddled tho. I like drawing, writing in my diary, chilling w/ my cat and maladaptive daydreaming. I'm into psychology and philosophy, tend to obsess over things/ppl and have few but close friends. Would love to be part of some action and shenanigans with my s/o 😅 Hope that's enough uwu ❤💕

Arthur // wc: 499.

There’s a seventeen year difference between the two of you and there’s a four inch difference in height between the two of you so to say that Arthur was protective of you was… an understatement. Arthur would be fascinated by the way that you dress. People in Gotham are usually quite repressed and they don’t take kindly to any type of individuality, so your confidence in being self-expressive would really be something which Arthur greatly admires and he’d absolutely compliment you every time he sees you; your hair, your clothing, everything. He would want to believe that spending large quantities of time with you would also make some of your confidence rub off on him, and years later would he think himself to be right. Arthur has his own share of childhood trauma so he would understanding the struggle and though he wouldn’t ever pry, he would make it known that he’s always there for you if you want to vent or talk about it; he wouldn’t coddle. Not only because he’s emotionally intelligent enough to know that you don’t appreciate it even without his having to ask you, but also because he knows that that approach can sometimes do more harm than good, and he would want you to know that he’s proud of you every single day, that he loves you, and that he’s there for you no matter what. He’d definitely overall be very protective of you, all things listed here considered. 

Arthur adores watching you get lost in your element while you draw or write. He never pries or intrudes and during late evenings does he like to sit with you while he writes in his joke book and you in your diary. You always look so cosy, curled up with your cat and your craft, and when you get lost in a daydream, Arthur would smile softly to himself and hope that, at least a little was he featured within somehow. Your interests in psychology and philosophy are intense and though Arthur wouldn’t understand much of the material which you study, he would want to; and he’d often ask you questions, especially about those topics which specifically hold your interest. He admires your intellect and loves to relax to the sound of your voice as you tell him about the latest subject.

You both tend to obsess over people and things; Arthur, because it’s a defence mechanism borne of a life of daily abuse and you for your own reasons. You’re selective over the people with whom you choose to befriend and that never ceases to make Arthur blush and stammer; you chose him, of all people?! He feels unworthy of your attention but he dares not question it, for fear of you finally realising that you deserve so much better than him. Nothing scares Arthur quite like the thought of you leaving him and so, though he doesn’t understand it, he keeps quiet. He loves you just as fiercely and deeply, after all.

Joker // wc: 706.

If you thought that Arthur was protective of you before, then you’re in for a bit of a shock!! He’s even more protective now and he’s definitely less inclined to hide his almost overbearing manner of looking after you. He doesn’t coddle you, but after all this time is he excellent at figuring out your body language, your physical tells… He knows when you’re okay and when you’re not and he’d often check in on you, making sure that you’re okay. Joker doesn’t appreciate or tolerate insincerity, even from you, so be sure to answer him honestly. He’d coo sympathetically when you don’t feel so good and he’d sit down beside you and take both of your hands in his larger ones, his green eyes keeping you pinned in place as he listens to everything which is bothering you, and then he’d quietly but firmly voice his solutions and any advice which he thought may be of use to you. He’s so tender, and so intelligent, and in these moments does he really show you just how much he loves you. When you do feel good and you tell him so, he nods, satisfied, and tugs on his blazer as he looks around the room for something to do. He doesn’t coddle you, but he also doesn’t hide his innate level of care and protectiveness over you. 

By this point in your relationship is it well known to the both of you your nightly routine; Joker gets in from whatever he did during the day while you’re curled up with your cat and drawing or writing. He won’t disturb you, but he might dare to rest a hand on your shoulder for a moment as he walks past you, letting you know silently that he’s there for you and that he loves you. When you’re done drawing or writing, Joker waits for you to get settled before he puts his head in your lap, green oceans looking up at you expectantly. “So what is it today, Y/N? What are you gonna’ tell me?” and he gets comfortable, his eyes drifting shut as your fingers find his hair and you weave him a tale of the latest psychological journal released in the papers, or of a new philosophical school of thoughts which interests you. Joker is your biggest supporter and really, nothing has changed in your relationship. It’s only deepened and become something more than it was before. 

Both of you still obsess over people and things and now more than ever is Joker blown away daily by the fact that of all people, you chose him as Arthur and you stayed through his mental break until, “It’s Joker now, darling!” and you’re still here now. It baffles him but still does he not dare to question it, question you. He just accepts it as he is in much the same way as he accepted you for all that you are, all that you have been and all that you ever will be. Joker takes a massive interest in your interests because it’s just another way for him to support you, get to know you a little more and the like. The first time that you said you wanted to “werewolf and go wild with you, please?”, he blinked prettily a few times, his cheeks caressed by his long lashes as he did so, and then a slow, sure real devilish smirk took over his face, aided only by the macabre crimson red painted grin. “Sure you can, doll.” and with a few happy skips over to you did he take your hand in yours, his fingers sliding between the gaps in your own, and the two of you terrorised Gotham. You didn’t always go with him, for sometimes did Joker just need his alone time, and you needed yours, too, but when you did, it was a night no one in the entire city would forget for a while, so wide spread were your joint destructive, morally grey tendencies. Overall, no matter what he calls himself, Arthur Fleck is the same man at his core and he loves you so deeply and tenderly that it drives you mad every time you stop to think about it.

J // wc: 767.

J doesn’t really care that you’re roughly a decade younger than he is. You’re a fully informed, consenting adult who knows your own mind, so where’s the problem? He’s got bigger plans to consider, if nothing else. Your general aesthetic is something which J quite enjoys; it looks just dark enough to fit in with his own sense of organised chaos and he’d definitely steal tailor made outfits for you, leaving them in your apartment with nothing but a joker card resting atop the bag it came in. He would expect you to wear them, and when next he sees you in them does he smirk, his intense chocolate eyes looking you up and down, a slow smirk spreading across his face. “Looks good on ya’, doll”; somehow does J know your exact measurements. If you ask him how, he would only shrug; but really, he just has a very exacting eye so one look at you from head to toe was he able to accurately guess your size. You’re both dealing with untold traumas; and J is far less likely to ever open up about them than you are. He remains something of a mystery, even to you, and there’s not even a little risk of being coddled by J. The mere thought makes his nose wrinkle in disgust, “Not gonna’ coddle ya’, Y/N. But if you, ah - if you want some help, I can - listen.” and he would definitely do what he could. You would lay side by side on the bed, an arm carelessly slung around your waist. J listens carefully, silently, and then he’d grunt and say something strangely profound which comforts you, even though what he said isn’t, really, all that comforting. He knows and he understands the pain of trauma, having had more than his fair share of it, so he knows well how to deal with it. 

You’re artistic but you’re also eloquent with words, so used are you to writing in a diary. J wouldn’t be all that bothered by your maladaptive daydreaming (unless you are, in which case he would do what he could to help you with it in his rough but caring manner) and he’d shrug and largely leave you to it when you get caught up in it; at least you’re occupied and he doesn’t have to worry about your safety while he’s off blowing up factories and tormenting Batman for the sake of it. You’re into the inner workings of the mind and truthfully so is J; though he’s “ahead of the curve” and knows exactly what goes on in people’s minds without even having to study it; so intelligent and wise is he. When J’s off during the day while you’re attending to your daily responsibilities, his goons keep an eye on you; he receives an hourly update on what you’re doing, where you are and the like; so protective of what’s his is he, but to put you on equal footing does at least one of his goons give you an hourly update; this small piece of trust which J puts in you means more to you than anything else he could have done to show you such a thing.

You both obsess over people; you, over those whom you choose to allow into your life, and J with Batman and getting the man to betray his tight moral compass. You come together in this fascination of each other and though you sometimes wonder what it is about you that keeps J coming back to you, truthfully does he wonder what you keep coming back for, though of course as quickly as the thoughts come does he brush them off. His thoughts can easily take a downward turn if he doesn’t control them, so he prefers to not entertain them. You’re quite adept at reading J’s body language, his physical tells, and you can predict his mood and motives nine times out of ten; this means that you are the perfect person to accompany him on whatever it is that he likes to do. You only ever go with him when he’s sure that you’re not going to be put in any kind of danger. As I said, J protects what’s his and you’re no exception to this. “You and I are partners in life and in crime, aren’t we?” He’d giggle and then offer you a tryout; you pass, of course, and so it comes to pass that J and Y/N are two names which are spoken as one; for where one goes is the other sure to follow.

[hellzyeahthewebwieldingavenger]

Is it true that Mary Jane drove Harry to drug addiction?

Not it is absolutely not.

That is a common misconception that is often used to unfairly belittle or criticise Mary Jane.

It’s rooted in ASM #97. In the prior issue MJ was openly flirting with Peter in front of both Harry and his father. She continued to do this (sans Norman) in ASM #97, and Harry consequently went to a drug dealer and got high. He got clingy with MJ leading her to not at all gently make it clear to him that they were absolutely not exclusive. You could even interpret this as her dumping him, though I don’t and given how they were dating again later on, I think she was just setting him straight.

After arguing with Peter and coming down Harry takes an overdose of the drugs (we don’t know what ones they were exactly).

The simplest way to debunk the idea that MJ was the cause of Harry’s drug problems if to simply check out earlier pages in the very same issue.

Here between how Harry acts, Peter’s dialogue and the artwork depicting the very same bottle of pills Harry uses later in the issue, the message is very clear.

Harry was ALREADY a drug addict before MJ ‘gave him the gate’. 

Furthermore, it’s possible (and in my view highly likely, especially after the retcons to MJ’s character) that MJ was both aware of Harry’s drug problem and might even have subtly referenced it in this issue.

Turn your attention back to the scene where MJ lays into Harry. Notice her dialogue when Harry first approached her.

How chipper we suddenly sound.

That emphasis wasn’t added by me, that was all Stan Lee.

I don’t think that was accidental, I think it’s intended to clue us into the fact that MJ at least suspects why his mood has so suddenly changed. The comic, in it’s foreshadowing of Harry’s pill bottle is already demonstrating a certain subtly in parts of itself so this isn’t exactly a stretch to make.

But we can dig deeper.

Stan didn’t exactly depict young people as they really existed in the 1960s (he was middle aged and the comics code wouldn’t have allowed him anyway), but he wasn’t blind.

EVERYONE knew drugs were being passed around in the 1960s and that college kids in particular were using them. Stan himself had been to a fair few college campuses for lectures by this point in time so he may well have clued into this himself.

I’m not trying to throw shade at MJ by saying this, but given how she was kinda sorta a hippie, a girl who was ‘with it’ and who liked to party, it made it unbelievable for her to have not clued in on what might’ve been going on with Harry and Stan through her dialogue may well have been trying to reflect that.

We might also speculate her casualness about it could imply this isn’t the first time she’s seen Harry high, which (if you accept that) further proves that she didn’t drive him to drugs in this issue, it’d been happening for a long time. In fact the canonically debatable Death and Destiny mini-series (set several issues earlier than this) heavily implies Harry to already be using drugs, specifically cocaine.

Furthermore to blame MJ for this is really, really unfair.

When it comes to drug addiction she’s not Harry’s keeper. She’s not responsible for what he does to his own body.

And if we really are going to attribute blame to her, then we should also attribute some blame to Peter for not noticing the obvious. We should also attribute blame to both of them plus Gwen and Flash for not being there enough for Harry to help him deal with whatever issues drove him to drugs.

And boy of boy should we blame Norman. He’s Harry’s father, shouldn’t he be held accountable on some level?

Now if you want to look at it from a position of hindsight when retcons have revealed more about everyone, the truth is MJ REALLY wasn’t to blame for Harry’s drug problem. 

We could argue in pushing him away when she knew he had a problem she was being a bad friend but like...there is only so much any of us can do. Personal story: one of my friends in high school went off the rails a bit when he was 16-17. Not due to drugs but other stuff and my grandma insisted I be responsible for setting him right. But my parents, quite correctly, set me and her straight that that wasn’t my responsibility and my abilities to help him were limited anyway.

MJ is in an even worse boat than I was.

She had less financial security, she was dealing with a legal adult with access to a lot of cash and much more cash than her, her mother had died maybe a year-18 months earlier than this, she was dealing with leaving her sister and getting into the swing of city/college life, and that’s not even touching upon her knowledge of Peter’s identity and her deep rooted commitment issues.

Of all people MJ was not in a position to help Harry at this time and giving him the gate was the emotionally healthiest thing for her to do for herself in that situation, even if it arguably came from a place of her own insecurities regarding commitment.*

On Harry’s end, MJ could never have been the sole factor that drove him to drugs. At worst she might’ve been one of many contributing factors or even the straw that broke the camel’s back. But Harry was VERY LIKELY to have fallen into drugs or some other destructive habit with or without her.

Harry’s grandfather was an alcoholic, meaning there was a genetic predisposition towards substance abuse in his family. I know Norman isn’t a drug addict or an alcoholic, but he is a power addict. He’s so much of a power addict he literally became a super villain when he already had wealth and social power.

Speaking of Harry’s Dad....hoooooooo boooooooooooy....Norman screwed his son up bad.

He alternated between neglecting him, verbally abusing and belittling him and just straight up hitting Harry when he was a child, with arguably a certain underlying resentment towards Harry over the death of Lydia, Harry’s mother/Norman’s wife; she possibly died due to complications in giving birth.

Norman put pressures on Harry to ‘be a man’ and to also live up to his own massive shadow, and combined with the fact that Harry was desperate for Norman’s  love and approval, yeah Harry was a very messed up little boy.

And he grew into a very messed up vulnerable young man. He was so messed up he’d repressed his memories of his awful childhood and rewritten them in his head to be much happier than they really were.**

So MJ or no MJ, Harry was always going to be susceptible to something like drugs. For all we know he might’ve been experimenting as far back as high school or as a result of Gwen dumping him for Peter.

Bottom line: No, MJ did not drive Harry to drugs.

*I know some people might bring up how she helped Peter deal with Gwen’s death, but that’s very different.

For starters, grieving someone, hard and painful as it is, is in truth a lot easier than helping someone overcome addiction. 90% of the time, eventually the mourning passes. With an addict, they often have to struggle every day to not fall off the wagon.

In essence MJ, a woman in fear of commitment, was looking at a longer term commitment were she to have helped Harry.

More than this, Harry was already clingy and a rather needy person. In a lot of ways he was looking for someone to mother him (hence why he married someone with nursing experience) which was a turn off for MJ in general. Add in the very real possibility that he’d come to depend upon MJ to keep him clean and it would’ve been MJ’s version of Hell. 

Peter in contrast was someone she didn’t need to mother, but was someone who did in that moment need his help and she was at a place in her life where she was more able and willing to give it. It helped that, unlike with Harry, she was you know in love with Peter too.

**Incidentally, Norman basically rewrote his own memories too, believing himself to be a great Dad when he really wasn’t. 

Harry’s delusions occurred BEFORE he touched the Goblin formula by the way, speaking to hereditary mental illness in his family.

[starrymused]

STEFAN PROFILE - PART ONE.

Character’s full name: Stefan Romero. Reason or meaning of name: From the Latin Stephanus, which is from the Greek Stephanos, a name derived from stephanos (a crown, a garland). The name is borne in the Bible by St Stephen, one of the seven chosen to assist the apostles, and the first Christian martyr. Character’s nickname: Stef, Steffi, Romeo. Reason for nickname: Stef and Steffi are self-explanatory (although he HATES these nicknames) and Romeo is a play on Romero and because the girls at his old school saw him as a player. Birth date: August 12. Age: 16. How old does he/she appear: Has a bit of a baby face, but pretty much looks his age. Weight: 9 stone, 3 pounds. Height: 5’8”. Body build: Skinny legend. No, but really his arms are a little toned, but he struggles to put on muscle. He’s one of those dudes who can eat and eat without gaining any weight. He lives in poverty with his mother, so that keeps the weight off too. Not an ideal situation. Shape of face: Oval? But his hair can make it seem like a different shape depending on how he styles it. Eye color: Green. Glasses or contacts: Neither. Skin tone: Fair. Distinguishing marks: Multiple beauty marks on his face and neck. Predominant features: His hair. Hair color: Black. Type of hair: Short and thick. Hairstyle: Wavy/floofy. Voice: An average kind of tone? Not too deep, but not too high. Overall attractiveness: ?????? He’s a good-looking guy, but the rating is for others to decide. Physical disabilities: None. Usual fashion of dress: Wannabe greaser. Favorite outfit: Black leather jacket, black jeans, black converse. Jewelry or accessories: He wears a plain black band on the middle finger of his right hand. 

Good personality traits: Charismatic, Creative, Honest, Insightful, Observant, Organized, Passionate, Realistic, Self-reliant, Witty. Bad personality traits: Apathetic, Cynical, Difficult, Disrespectful, Destructive, Ignorant, Moody, Petty, Repressed, Unambitious. Mood character is most often in: Done with life. Sense of humor: Can be pretty dark sometimes, but nothing too extreme. He’s the type to laugh if a character in a horror movie makes a dumb, easily avoidable decision that leads to their death. Character’s greatest joy in life: When he gets to be himself without judgment from others. Character’s greatest fear: To be alone for the rest of his life and never know true happiness. What single event would most throw this character’s life into complete turmoil? For his mother to meet a man and decide that it would be easier to leave her son behind so she can start a new life. Character is most at ease when: He’s on his own and nobody is watching him. He feels free enough in those quiet moments to be himself. Most ill at ease when: When he’s in a room full of people and nobody is paying any attention to him. Enraged when: People call him stupid because he knows there must be some truth to it since his grades aren’t the best. In reality, his education isn’t going well because he doesn’t know how to apply himself and he has trouble staying focused during a lot of lessons. He also gets mad when people make fun of his mom, even though she doesn’t make it easy to stand up for her. Depressed or sad when: He thinks about the future and where he’ll probably end up. He also gets depressed if he ponders death for too long. Priorities: Making it through high school in one piece. If granted one wish, it would be: To be born into another life where he’s happy and not a horrible person. Character’s soft spot: Old people on their own who have nobody to care for them. It makes him want to cry when he hears stories of elderly folk being alone at Christmas. He also has a massive love for baby animals. He secretly wants a baby goat as a pet. Is this soft spot obvious to others? No. He won’t make it obvious. Greatest vulnerability or weakness: Feeling comfortable enough to show people beneath the surface and showing emotion. He doesn’t want to come across as a baby or a wimp, but doesn’t realize that showing emotion doesn’t make him weak. Biggest regret: Not establishing himself as a better person back in his own school and allowing himself to act like an asshole and a bully. Minor regret: Not accepting the offer of tutoring from a good-natured teacher in his old school. Biggest accomplishment: He once won a Best Creative Story award in English class. It was only a certificate printed from online, but it meant a lot to him. He hasn’t won anything since. Minor accomplishment: The time he climbed a tall tree near his trailer park in Newport. He isn’t that strong, so it was a surprise that he somehow had enough strength to pull himself up. Character’s darkest secret: That he’s homosexual. Does anyone else know? Nobody else knows right now, especially when he presents himself as homophobic. For a long time, he remains in deep denial and actually believes he is homophobic.