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luci-in-trenchcoats · 5 years ago

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Broken Like Me: The Party

Summary: Dean and the reader attend his agency’s annual party where they run into a not so friendly face...

Masterlist

Pairing: Model!Dean x reader

Word Count: 2,700ish

Warnings: language, small fight

A/N: Enjoy!...

_____

“Wow,” said Dean as you stepped out of the hotel bathroom. “Wow, sweetheart.”

“Is it bad?” you asked. He shook his head and stepped over with a big smile.

“It’s amazing. You look beautiful and hot and sexy and I just want to take that dress right off of you,” he chuckled.

“Considering the amount of time Carla spent finding this for me, I think she’d kill you,” you said. “How’s my back look?”

“As beautiful as the rest of you,” he said, touching a hand to your bare skin. It was an open back dress and far more risqué than you had any right to be wearing. Dean trailed his fingers over the faded scars covering the skin there. “I packed the emergency dress just in case.”

“Thank you,” you said with a smile. “But I’m okay. I love this dress and if your model friends have a problem with my scars, then fuck them.”

“That’s my girl,” he said, kissing your cheek. “I can’t wait to show you off.”

“Or we could skip this agency party thing and go to a nice dinner instead and then come back here and get naked?” you said.

“That is incredibly tempting but we flew all the way out here for Carla,” he said.

“I know,” you sighed.

“It’ll be okay. I promise.”

“Y/N, is that you?” said Carla when you got to the party. “Dean must be drooling.”

“Yes, he is,” you laughed, getting a hug from her, Dean getting his own.

“How you doing babe? Getting along with your parents? That goes for both of you,” she said.

“Yes, mom,” teased Dean. “It’s been pretty good. Y/N’s parents gave her her trust fund back. With interest.”

“To which we promptly decided to leave it be for kids and future weddings and all that stuff. Dean and I have plenty between our jobs,” you said.

“Well I’ve never worried about you two and money. So you’re doing better with your parents still?” asked Carla.

“Yeah. It’s a little awkward sometimes still. They grovel a little bit,” you said.

“They’re trying their best,” said Dean. “Excuse me ladies, I think I see a friend over there.”

“How’s he and his dad really doing? It’s like pulling teeth sometimes,” she said.

“John is going to Dr. Bram every other week,” you said.

“Really?”

“Yeah. John’s got a whole bunch of crap he’s gone through apparently. He’s still not a fan of going but he does it for Dean,” you said.

“It sounds like things are calming down for you two finally,” she said.

“Hopefully. We could do with some quiet,” you said.

“I take it you haven’t started wedding planning yet then,” she teased.

“My mom is looking at professional planners for us so that’s a joy,” you said.

“Want me to say anything?” she asked.

“No mom,” you laughed. “I’ll calm her down if she gets too wound up. Dean and I love each other. There’s no need to rush into a wedding.”

“A wedding is honestly just another day in your relationship, sweetie. It’s a very happy day where you celebrate your love for each other with friends and family. But in the end, it’s a day. You love him and the babe is head over heels in love with you. You’re young. Take the time to make it what you want it to be,” she said.

“Do you think I’ll ever get to the point where my mom would say something like that?” you asked.

“I think so. Dean and his father...I thought about coming to pay John a visit more than once and give him a piece of my mind. But now, they seem to be healing that relationship. I’m sure if you’re patient with them, you’ll get there.”

“I hope so,” you said.

“Well when I met you, you never would have been caught dead in a dress like that,” she said. “I think you got this.”

“Well the scars on my face and arms and chest are gone,” you said.

“Your back is actually not what I was expecting,” she said.

“I got a better scar cream,” you smiled. “A whole lot cheaper than laser surgery.”

“Dean ever offer to pay? He can plenty afford it,” she said.

“He brings it up now and again. He makes so much he doesn’t need. He just puts it out there that he would help if I choose to get rid of the rest,” you said. “A majority of the time though, the only person who ever seems them is Dean though so it doesn’t matter. I tell him to put the money towards something he wants.”

“Looks like what he wants right now is you to come save him,” she said, Dean looking like he was pleading with you to get over there. You walked over with a smile, Dean easing a little as you stopped at his side.

“So is this the farm girl that you gave up Calvin Klein for?” said a guy in a white suit, the other guy with them walking away.

“Down girl,” said Dean when you opened your mouth. “This is Kyle.”

“I think she was ready to tear my throat out,” laughed Kyle. “Nice to finally meet you.”

“Dean doesn’t speak kindly of many of his model friends. But Kyle Kendricks is always okay with me,” you said.

“I told you I’d win her over,” said Kyle.

“Yeah well you’re a loser so it’s not too hard,” chuckled Dean.

“I don’t think those pictures Dean posts of you did you justice, Y/N,” he said.

“Always a suck up,” you said. “Hey, how’d that shoot for the baby food go?”

“Didn’t happen. Super weird. I was ready to sign the contract and everything and apparently the owners themselves said they got somebody else in mind,” he said.

“Was it Gerber?” asked Dean.

“Nah, the other one,” he said. “I don’t have the new dad look they were going for.”

“Considering you do alcohol commercials, probably not,” teased Dean.

“You been keeping him out of trouble lately?” asked Kyle.

“I do my best...unless of course I’m the one causing it.”

“You should come visit us sometime. We got great barbecue,” said Dean.

“I’m on a diet,” grumbled Kyle.

“Why?” you asked.

“Calvin Kline contract is going up soon. Michael Reyburn is apparently more trouble than he’s worth,” said Kyle. Dean nodded and Kyle gave him a smile. “Dude I know it was your gig and-“

“I had it for all of five seconds,” he said. “It’s a lot of money if you can swing it. Just be careful bud.”

“Maybe I’ll stick with beer,” he said, getting a tap on the shoulder from a man. “I’ll talk to you guys later.”

“The way you described him you would think the man has a pocket protector and grandpa pants,” you said.

“Kyle’s a nerd. We always stuck together. That other guy was Jack Bilson. He’s besties with Reyburn so-“

“Also a dick. Good to know,” you said. “So how long do we have to be here?”

“An hour tops. I promise.”

“Well hello,” said a deep voice. You spun around from where you were eating a tiny piece of lobster on a cracker, the man chuckling at you. “That is a hell of a dress.”

“Thanks,” you said, your mouth full.

“You’re Dean Winchester’s charity case, right? Or maybe he’s yours.”

“I can see why they’re going with another model, Michael. Must be pretty hard to fill out those shorts with what you’re packing,” you said, getting a few laughs out of people close by.

“Sweetie you ought to see what a real man is like.”

“Then why the hell am I talking to you?”

“Never been with someone who looks like they beat a lawnmower in a fight,” he said. You smiled and glanced down, grabbing another snack and popping it in your mouth. “Do you ever stop eating?”

“Michael. Try therapy for why ever it is you’re so angry and leave me and Dean the Hell alone,” you said.

“Said the freak show,” he said.

“Reyburn,” said Dean as he came over, stepping in front of you.

“Oh look, fatty’s here,” he said. Dean clenched his fist and you stood between them.

“Kindly apologize and leave,” you said.

He started to laugh and you got in his face.

“I literally pulled myself from a burning car only to then find myself bleeding out on the side of the road. You know what you do when that happens, Michael? You make a decision and I made the decision to shove my own fingers inside my rib cage to squeeze an artery shut. Do you know how much that hurts, Michael? Do you know what it’s like to sit there, putting yourself in excruciating pain just so you have a chance at living? No. No you don’t. I am very good at dealing with shit and that includes you. Now apologize, please, and stay away from him. Or else.”

“I see who wears the pants in the relationship,” said Kyle.

“I see who isn’t in a relationship,” you said. Michael narrowed his eyes and stormed off. You ate another cracker, turning to Dean. “This is so good. You got to try it.”

“You never talk about your accident,” he said.

“Because I don’t remember half of it,” you said. “Come on. He’s a douchebag. I want to go dance with my very handsome fiancé.”

“You sure?”

“Positive.”

“I am so glad to be out of there,” you said when you were back in the hotel room.

“Remind me not to accept next year,” he said, shrugging out of his suit jacket and heading straight into the bathroom.

“You alright?” you called as you stepped out of your heels. You didn’t hear anything and undressed, walking into the bathroom naked and taking your hair out of its bun. “Mr. Winchester…”

“What?” he said grumpily before he spun around.

“What’s wrong, De?” you asked. He looked you over and rested his hand on your right side, tracing over the long scar there.

“You’re beautiful and I can’t defend you because I’m...this,” he said, glancing down at his body.

“I don’t need a man to defend me. He was bullying me and my best friend. I will always stand up for us,” you said. “My handsome and healthy soon to be husband.”

“Why would you even want me?” he asked.

“Because I love you,” you hummed, giving him a smile. He rolled his eyes and turned away.

“I’m gonna shower. You mind?” he asked.

“Alright,” you sighed. You left and went back to the bedroom, changing into a pair of shorts and one of his shirts. You flipped through the room service menu and ordered some fries and a brownie, listening for Dean to be done with his shower.

When it was still going by the time the food got there though, you went back in.

“Dean. I ordered a late night snack if you want some,” you said.

“I’m not hungry, sweetheart,” he said. You sighed and opened up the steamed up shower door. “What the hell?”

“It has been an hour. You never take showers this long unless you’re upset,” you said.

“I’m not upset,” he said. You stared at him and he groaned, turning off the water. He brushed past you for his towel and you rolled your eyes, going back to the room and nibbling at the food. He didn’t say anything as he came in a minute later, taking his clothes with him to the bathroom to change.

“Since when are we shy in front of each other?” you asked. Dean shook his head and went over to his suitcase, folding his suit nicely. “Silent treatment, very mature.”

“What is your problem? I want to be left alone,” he said, shoving the suit down.

“Tough shit,” you said as you knelt up on the bed. “I care about you and right now, I get the feeling I care a hell of a lot more about you than you do yourself so until further notice, I’m in charge.”

“You’re in charge? Of what?” he scoffed.

“Get in the bed.”

“Make me.”

You stared at him, Dean crossing his arms. You stood up and walked over to him, getting in his face.

“You gonna push me?”

“If you don’t want to talk then at the very least you can indulge me and go lay down on the damn bed,” you said.

He glanced down and went back to his suit, fixing it before he went to a side of the bed and sat down. You went right next to him, Dean stiff until you shifted behind him, wrapping your legs and arms around him.

“What are you doing?”

“Hugging you,” you mumbled against his shoulder.

“Do you remember that night I missed our date? I went to Dr. Bram’s and was a complete mess?” he asked.

“I remember you had a bad night,” you said. He put one of his hands over yours and held onto your arms.

“Part of that night was because of the model that got the contract after me. Reyburn. He made some nasty comments. I thought I was over it but apparently not,” he said.

“Dean. Yes, Michael Reyburn is a physically fit person and yes he is physically attractive. He’s also a horribly ugly person. He’s disgusting and mean. You on the other hand are the kind of person that made someone like me, someone so beaten down from a lifetime of crap, feel happy and beautiful and loved. You’re the most attractive person I’ll ever meet, Dean. The way you look on the outside, everything else, that’s just a bonus, De.”

He looked over his shoulder at you, peeling your arms away so he could turn and kiss you.

“I’m sorry,” he mumbled.

“S’okay,” you said. You ran your fingers through his short strands, Dean curling into the touch. “They had cheese fries. I got them just for you.”

“I really should watch what I eat,” he said.

“You had a salad for lunch and we skipped dinner. I say it’s okay, Dean,” you said. “It’s got bacon-“

“That should have been your opener, sweetheart,” he chuckled. You gave him another kiss and hug before you let him go to the table and bring over the food. “I’m sorry Michael was such a pig to you.”

“Well he sounds like he has his own issues to work out,” you said. “Forget him. I also had a great idea while you were in the shower.”

“What’s that?”

“Instead of flying home, want to do a road trip? Hit up some of those places you see on the food channel on our way back?” you asked.

“So no flight and awesome food? I’m sold,” he said. “What about work?”

“I have a lot of unused vacation time. It’ll be fun. We’ve both been busy lately,” you said. “What do you say?”

“I say I’m going to marry a little genius,” he said. He kissed your nose and started to eat, the two of you quiet for a while, your head leaning on his shoulder when you finished. “Y/N.”

“Mhm?”

“I love you.”

“I love you too, Dean.”

______

#supernatural #spn #dean x reader #dean winchester #supernatural fanfiction #dean winchester x reader #dean #winchester #dean spn #au #model!dean x reader #timestamp

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wolf-stark · 4 years ago

Note

You ask I deliver — both tfatws asks in one!

tfatws weekly ask 1

i finally saw ep1!! i wont be able to see ep2 until thursday at the earliest but i already have some Thots on this ep. here are the ones I remember

first is, and i'm so sorry for this, a grammar lesson. an appositive is when you stick an additional phrase in between commas, dashes, or the like. i actually just used one! the "and i'm so sorry for this" in the first sentence of this paragraph is an appositive. thing is, most english speakers don't normally use them when they speak, only in writing. so i'm always on high alert whenever i hear somebody in tv or movies use one. (it's generally a marker of bad screenwriting). anyway there was one right in the beginning of the episode. the white army guy yelling at sam wilson said "first lieutenant Torres, our intel officer, will be helping on the ground." yeah so. the writing of this series started out on the wrong foot for me. but the rest of the episode was obviously tons and tons better (every interview i see with malcolm spellman makes me love him more and more)

the contrast between the opening minutes (falcon action sequence) and the rest of the ep.... i would 100000/10 rather watch a series with just sam and bucky dealing with life. i dont give a single crap about the flag-smashers or any of that. i just want sam, sarah & fam getting their boating business back on the ground & yeeting racist dickwads, bucky going through therapy and making amends, sam and joaquin being bros, sambucky homoerotic tension, etc.

the cinnamontography! wandavision mostly used cinematography to signify era n stuff. tfatws doesn't have wv's premise to go off of, so here's some tricks i noticed:

with sam there's obviously all sorts of shots with the captain america iconography next to his face, but he hasn't totally claimed it. there's the mural of steve rogers in the background; there's sam staring into the shield like it's a spectre of steve's face; there's sam looking into the exhibit, the shield and sam separated by glass and a layer of camera focus. steve is a constant spectre, always there, an idea, a symbol himself. sam's relationship with this iconography is distanced. he is separated by glass exhibit walls. by painting canvases. he doesn't yet feel worthy to take on that iconography. this whole thing was pulled off quite well but also a bit on-the-nose if only in quantity. there's just sooooo much fancy iconography stuff

speaking of the exhibit, there's something that i get real pissy about. it's when like, there's an action going on you're supposed to be paying attention to but the cinematographer is like,,,, hey! check out this location! or this headline! or something! there was a lot of that in the exhibit. the camera was like, you could focus on sam and rhodey's convo (which was fine but could have been so much better with an extra like 10 minutes of deep character study talk) but noooo you want me to look at the symbol for the united nations and read all the text about bucky who hasn't even showed up yet. shut up i know the lore and ill watch the shot-by-shot breakdown yt vids you don't have to make the shot this long jkdsalcjklasejf

my fav trick was with bucky and the therapist. i had seen a clip of the scene with bucky and the therapist beforehand and i thought the cinnamontography was super obnoxious, but then i was like, oh duh. the shots frequently change the distance between the camera and its subject. sometimes it's uncomfortably close and sometimes it's really far. a clear allegory for the duality of therapy, esp for bucky! therapy is an invasive process wherein he is ruthlessly examined, picked apart, and berated for his trauma (this therapist is crap in every way btw, "mean therapist" works for greg house and greg house only). so the camera goes close. it makes the viewer claustrophobic like bucky. but when he's like "no i haven't had any nightmares" the camera suddenly goes really far. we see bucky as this tiny head in the center of the bottom of the frame. we are distanced from him. he has pushed us away. we cannot see him. he lies because he is vulnerable. so yeah, amazing work there. the therapy scene was hard to watch on purpose!

did bucky slip a note to yori inside the dollar bill? bucky stop making me emooooo. the suuper awkward fake smile has me 😭 (veteran trying to adjust!)

mark my worrrrds when sam asks someone y the govt picked john “white bread” walker they’re gonna say “we needed somebody everyone can get behind....someone uncontroversial, someone everyone can see themselves in” like that exact racist dog whistle

tfatws weekly ask 2

just saw ep2 so im taking advantage of the 2 seconds i can be on tumblr without worrying about tfatws spoilers before new episode drops

when isaiah said "your people put me in prison for being a hero" and bucky thought "your people" means hydra. 🤦‍♂️

speaking of racism, the interplay between sam being Black (anti-Black racism) and sam being the Falcon (negrophilia, "can i take a selfie w you as i deny you a loan?") and the intersection between the two (j*hn lichrally called sam "steve's wingman"! he takes the crypto out of crypto-racist in like 2 seconds!) !!!!!!!! a Black celebrity's Black experience, the separation of man and identity!!!! (thinking about vanessa bayer in snl in that skit "beyonce is black" telling her black friend "you're not black, you're...my girl!")

after sam gets racially profiled by cops we see j*hn standing in front of cop cars cinematic parallels turns out j*hn is racist who knew

this therapist sucks major ass but she got bucky and sam together in the same room and ready to collaborate...that's something ig. it was lichrally couple's therapy she said she used her miracle exercise with couples sambucky antis get blended

bucky says "he was wrong about you so maybe he was wrong about me"...that's not how people talk. when therapist asks bucky, the guy who doesn't talk at all about himself, "y do you hate sam", the last thing bucky's gonna do is actually connect his hatred of sam to his own self-worth issues. bucky generally refuses to talk about himself, so why would he talk about himself in the one context that nobody ever links back to their own neuroses: hatred of other people? one thing human beings hate most is admitting we're wrong. admitting you hate someone because of your own issues? that's a major therapeutic step. bucky would absolutely have to be prompted to do that. even like one or two lines of dialogue more would have set up that line better. but in terms of the actual thought? an amazing way to take the sam/bucky relationship. bucky bases his self-worth on steve believing in him, and if steve is wrong bucky has no self-worth, so 1) he has to develop self-worth disassociated from steve's assessment of him and 2) he has to love himself before he can love sam, and 3) he has to realize that sam giving up the shield is a sign of sam's humility not his unworthiness.

conversely, we don't get into why sam hates bucky? yeah sam has the right to hate a guy that has tried to kill him (albeit while brainwashed) multiple times, and now shows up in his life just to bash him but. everything happens so fast i cant follow their relationship

in fact i dont feel like i understood much of anything. like y did bucky and sam go on that mission together? how connected are sam/bucky/joaquin with the government? doesn't bucky just want to retire now? literally what is everyone doing/feeling and why???

if battlestar becomes a knowing commentary on the black best friend stereotype i'm gonna party, but i dont expect much of that

the interplay between man and symbol. captain america is obviously a symbol. the shield is obviously a symbol. but steve rogers? the. man behind the cowl? he too seems to become a symbol. a paragon of a good guy, so good he's unreachable. steve was just a guy stop idolizing him the last thing steve would want is to be idolized

as the resident musician/music nerd on mcublr, 1) that captain america rally music slaps, but 2) re: the song at the end of the ep, if you're just gonna rip off mozart's lacrymosa then at least play mozart's lacrymosa. we wont blame you the lacrymosa slaps (if you dont know what im talking about go on yt and search it up youll recognize it fo sho

look i love enfys nest as much as the next guy but if tfatws is gonna get erin kellyman to play another innocent little gurl blackmailed into the fakeout-villain position (her text seemed to suggest as such) then 😡 like why can't women just....be evil? young, freckly, innocent-looking women? girls are not untouchable pure objects but full of rage and resentment just as much as anyone can be

bonus ep1 comment: bucky says about that senator whose car he hijacked, "she continued to abuse the power i gave her." fictionaldarling on yt say that he says "i" because he can't disassociate himself from his winter soldier persona which begets endless and senseless guilt. like dude. can i not be emo for like 1 second.

OKay. First off, as much I enjoy your sending it to me, what made you decide to send me these??

TFATWS WA #1

Don't worry about getting this to me as early as possible. I usually don't watch the episode right away.

1. Cool writing lesson.

2. Everyone wants a comedy show [like Friends] about the MCU superheroes.

3. Cinematography is always a beautiful thing.

4. Sam definitely has to carve his own Captain America status for himself, outside of Steve's ya know everything.

5. They have to do that for people who was just now tuning in because they're in love with Sam Wilson or Sharon Carter.

6. I think the therapist was taking a 'tough love' approach for Bucky, because she likely has some very strong opinions about the literal assassin she's been assigned to give therapy too. She did not choose to talk to him, she was assigned that make that clear in the second episode.

And, Bucky isn't lying when he said it wasn't a nightmare. It wasn't a nightmare, it was a resurfaced memory. So, technically he wasn't lying - and yes, the camera does move away because while he's saying he didn't have a nightmare, he's not expanding on what actually happened - so, he's still pushing the therapist/us away.

7. Bucky, and Steve, have/had a TON to adjust to.

8. Yeah, I agree that will be the bullshit line they give. If they ever actually talk about it.

TFATW WA #2

Yeah, always got to take advantage of avoiding those spoilers lmfaoo.

1. Honestly, that line was double meaning. Both about White people and Hydra [which is made up of mostly white supremacists/nazis] So, the line is gesturing to both White People in general and Hydra assholes together. I think the terminology is “double edge sword”??

2. This whole paragraph structure confused me, ngl - so I'm going to answer it the best I can. I do like that they're not ignoring the fact that Sam being Black is 1000% the reason he's not the Official Captain America - because the gov't is racist as hell.

I also like the little lines about how they point out little things about Sam's Falcon persona, like that kid calling him 'Black Falcon' specifically and Sam's response show the split between Sam and Falcon itself.

John is a dick for calling Sam the wingman of Steve Rogers. Sam was a hero all on his own before Steve asked him to join up again. [Side note, it's lichrally??]

3. Exactly, the parallel of Sam being profiled and surrounded while just on the street and John being surrounded by fans and being able to spring Bucky with apparently only a few sentences shows a Loooooot

4. Honestly, at this point I wonder if she's not actually a therapist and is just an agent assigned to assess Bucky outside of an Official Building. I do know, however, that her 'look at each other and speak' exercise is actually a real therapy practice. It's just a little slower.

5. Actually, I think he would've blurted that out. That whole line. I don't think Bucky hates Sam. I think they could've done the scene better, but I think that had Sam prodded him/the therapist been more annoying Bucky would've lost control of his emotions and blurted out the whole "If he was wrong about you, he was wrong about me" but I feel like the writing for this show is just... not there. Sometimes you blurt shit when you get overemotional and I think that was what Bucky was supposed to be like.

6. I don't think Sam hates Bucky, I think he doesn't trust him though. I do wish they'd talked about that though. The whole 'talk to each other' scene should've been a LOT longer and a LOT slower.

7. Sam and Bucky's relationship is being fast tracked because they don't really know how to work the relationship out, writers-room-wise. Bucky is technically retired, but I feel like he's trying to live up to Steve's expectations and doing what Steve would've done and we all know that if Steve was there, Steve would've jumped on that plane with Sam. It looks like Sam/Bucky/Joaquin are a side-team based from Military services but as Sam says they're all free agents so...?

8. Sadly, They seem to just be propping up to be another stereotype.

9. Captain America is a symbol. Steve Rogers is a man. But now Steve Rogers is an idol because of all the shit he's been through and honestly, it's not a bad thing he's become an idol for people - it's using Steve as a reason to make White Bread Walker the next Captain that makes Steve's idolization so fucked.

10. I don't know anything about music so I have no opinion here, sorry.

11. Enfys?? Also, I think they did the whole Innocent Girl Thing as side commentary for Bucky lowering his guard about seeing a young girl rather than a guy.

12. Bucky is the Winter Solider. The Winter Solider is Bucky. That is how Bucky will always see it because although he was brainwashed, it was still him and he remembers all of it. When you have constant memories of something 'someone else' did, you tend to not be able to pull the two personas out of each other. I want Bucky to take up the title, White Wolf instead of Winter Soldier. Honest.

This is all my opinion, I’m honestly a little disappointed with the writing of TFATWS so far so... I’m not really optimistic about this.

#Asks

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redhoodieone · 4 years ago

Text

Star-Crossed Universe

A/N: Yes!!! I’M BACK!!! This project has been on the back burner for so long and its finally time to upload it on here. I’m not sure what you all will think but hey...it’s fan fiction and everything and anything goes.

Warnings: Language, Humor (bad and good jokes), Sexual Conversations, and an ultimate Team-Up.

Plot: When Y/N is thrown into a mission way out of her league, she, and magician best friend Zatanna must stop strong demonic forces from entering earth through an unknown portal that John Constantine may have opened. With the assistance from the Dark Knight himself, a mysterious 1967 black Impala arrives in Gotham just when things start to go to hell. But who called the Winchesters? Why is there a clairvoyant bond between Y/N and Dean Winchester? And why does Castiel, an angel of the Lord, believe John Constantine isn’t who he says he is? And will Dean wear the Batsuit?

Move over Scooby-Natural because it’s Batman’s turn! The Winchesters join Batman and Y/N (You!) in taking down a villain who isn’t an everyday monster for Supernatural!

Please enjoy and comment! If you want a Part 2, please let me know.

Part 1

I don’t remember a time where tears felt like my own. Of course, it doesn’t help that I’m standing on the ledge when Gotham is down pouring like it always does at night. It shouldn’t be a surprise, really. Gotham is the only city in the US of A that is dark, depressing, manic, and suicidal.

Even Superman refuses to stay here for more than a day.

I’m not any better. The only reason why I’m literally dangling my feet over the edge is because I’m numb.

Numb to feelings.

Numb to pain.

Numb to life.

Bottom line is breakups fucking suck period. Especially if your ex-boyfriend is Bruce Wayne.

And Batman.

I don’t know why I put myself through this. The bitter pain of having to work with someone you love but to know they’ll never love you as much. Maybe this is why I should have never worked with Bruce.

Dick left first and has successfully made a name for himself, Nightwing, in Bludhaven.

Jason comes and goes throughout the months and has his own team of misfits who do good but cause chaos as well.

Even Tim and Damian are working together. They’re training and leading the Titans. The last I heard from them is that they’re doing just fine.

Except me.

Who am I kidding? I can’t compare myself to Bruce’s kids even though I’m closer to Dick’s age than Bruce’s.

Maybe that’s why it didn’t work out between us. Bruce is almost my father’s age, late forties early fifties. And he’s still sexy as fuck; stronger than ever.

And here I am in my early thirties, expecting more than just a wordless promise of something more than casual sex and the uncertainty of the future.

After three months ago, I’m trying desperately hard to not care anymore. The only constant thing in my life is being Night Bat, and I’ll die with only that part of me.

Death.

The one place where everything and nothing hurts anymore.

“Y/N.”

My head jerks to the right side where Zatanna is standing. With her hands on her hips, I can see her blue eyes blinking sadness and guilt. For a beautiful woman like Z, her broken expression is almost tragic enough to make me cry like her.

If my own tears were my own. Maybe my tears are Gotham’s.

“It’s Etrigan. He’s...” Zatanna chokes on her words. She literally holds her neck and tries to stop sobbing. “He’s dead.”

I can feel my eyebrows raise as confusion and disbelief crash over me.

“Dead?” I repeat. I can’t even believe that word is coming from my mouth. Etrigan is tough. Etrigan is a shithead. Etrigan cannot be dead. “How?”

Zatanna shrugs her shoulders as her lips quiver. Seeing her broken up makes me feel like an asshole for not comforting her. So, I stand up and go over to her. Taking her by surprise, I hug her tightly.

She’s my best friend. My sister. My partner in crime whenever we get into bad shit. (Sometimes...maybe).

After Zatanna hugs me, she takes a step back and wipes her tears with her gloved hand.

“He-he was stabbed. I... I don’t know by what but he bled and he was never one to really bleed, you know? I checked everything out and he’s dead. He’s really gone. But it was...a very fucking strange thing. Really,” Zatanna rambles on anxiously. Whenever she cusses, I know she’s angry and stressed out. “Whatever killed him, it’s not from around here. What I sensed near him, it’s not human. It’s not magical. It’s not even Kryptonian or extraterrestrial.”

I swallow hard. “What do you think it is then?”

“Demonic.”

_________________________________________________

“Have you contacted John?” I ask. My voice is rough and breathless. I’m busy shoving as much weapons as I can in my backpack, along with a few clothes and a book from Alfred about demonology. He said it was a gift from Constantine himself.

I stare down at my long, silver triple-edged dagger that I found on one of my solo missions in Kansas when Bruce was fighting

“Not in... six months.”

The guilt in her voice makes me turn to glance at her. “Seriously?”

I glance down at my black pants and boots to make sure I’m appropriately and comfortably dressed for tonight. I slip on a red and black checkered flannel over my form fitting black tank top. After rolling up the sleeves to my elbows, I put on my black leather jacket and turn to face Zatanna.

“What, am I supposed to keep in touch with my ex-boyfriend? I thought ex-boyfriends were meant to stay ex-boyfriends, not friends. And besides, you keep in touch with Bruce,” Zatanna responds smugly.

“He’s...a co-worker...that’s-thats different.”

“Bullshit,” Z laughs.

I roll my eyes. “Whatever. I need a drink before we start...” I say, waving my hand up dramatically. “Whatever this is. I think a stop at Lucky’s is what we need.”

“A trip to the bar is what YOU need,” Zatanna replies.

She follows me out of my apartment until we stop in the parking lot where my motorcycle is parked. I don’t see her standing behind me with her arms crossed and eyebrow raised, as I take a seat on my bike and set myself up to ride.

“What?” I ask, genuinely confused.

“I could just you know...poof is there.”

“Yeah, you could like you always do, but I need to ride my baby right now. It’s like, therapy for the low self-esteem, loner, rebels,” I say.

To my surprise, Zatanna nods her head and gives me a small smile. I’m grateful she understands how much riding my motorcycle makes me happy. Makes me breathe. Makes me feel alive.

“I’ll see you there, Y/N/N.”

“See ya, Z.”

And with that, Zatanna poofs for real. Her magic still surprises me. Whenever I see her perform her spells and tricks, I feel like I’m reliving magic shows I saw as a kid that I used to believe were real and powerful.

But to know what Zatanna does is real is still unbelievable sometimes.

And to think we have been best friends for five years now...amazing how time flies by I’m between laughs and heartbreaks.

Revving my bike, I waste no time speeding out of the parking garage and into the streets of Gotham. The rain and wind in my hair sends me chills, as the lights and buildings pass me by so fast that I feel like everything I see is a blur; almost like in a dream-like state.

Lucky’s is just a small country rustic bar outside of Gotham. City people usually don’t go there as the place is purely meant for drifters and stranded loners. I happen to love the bar. If I’m ever feeling down or angry, I always drop by to get drunk or frisky if I’m ever in the mood. Bruce was always disappointed in me for that. He always used to say I’m better than that and I shouldn’t put myself down.

I sometimes think he’d want to say I’m easy, but Bruce is just so complicated sometimes. He can either be a total asshole or be the gentle sweetheart he is. You never know which side you’d see sometimes.

Almost like Two-Face.

Swerving into the mud to park alongside trucks and other bikes, I climb off my motorcycle and glance around the dirt lot. I recognize a few vehicles parked already. A new black Escalade parked closer to the bar is different and catches my attention rather quickly.

I pull my hair back into a ponytail and start my way over to the expensive ass vehicle when suddenly a black car speeds right pass me and parks right next to my bike, sending mud flying to my pants and on my bike! Rage suddenly takes over me. I can feel my blood boil and my jaw clench as several curse words come to mind. I twist around and instead make my way to that motherfucker’s car.

A black 1967 Impala? What a fucking joke.

As if this motherfucker owns this American classic. This self-righteous, prick probably stole it from some old fool or maybe his own old man.

I’m ready to break this douchebag’s face. Knock all his teeth out and break his cock into two…maybe three pieces.

I finally reach the driver’s door and quickly open it; door swinging back. This must piss off the man a lot, but I don’t care right now.

“Look, you motherfucker! You think you can just drive like a bat out of hell and get fucking mud on MY baby?! Get out of this fucking car so I can break you apart with my bare hands!” I yell angrily and loudly.

The man climbs out of his car, but my anger suddenly vanishes. What the hell?

Holy fucking shit…this man is…hot.

Standing at 6’1, this man is almost intimidating. With short brown hair, tan skin, hypnotizing green eyes, and freckles splattered over his nose and cheeks, he’s fucking adorable…and sexy. I can’t help but stare up at him.

He smirks down at me. Underneath his dark jacket, he’s wearing a flannel shirt and black Henley, where I can already see his strong chest, muscled arms, and soft tummy.

“Looks like sweetheart likes what she sees, Sammy. I’d say we made the right choice for coming out to Gotham,” the man speaks smugly. His voice is deep and husky, more addicting than any liquor inside the bar.

Another man comes over to us from around from the car. This man, I’m assuming his Sammy, is FUCKING TALLER than the hot one in front of me!

Sammy chuckles lightly at me. Pushing his longer brown hair from his face, he quickly reaches out to shake my hand.

“Hi, I’m Sam Winchester and this is my brother, Dean.”

The second those words leave his mouth; we hear someone quickly approaching us. Zatanna. And from the looks of theirs, they’re shocked and surprised to see my friend in her usual, sexy magician number.

Zatanna smiles, nonetheless. “Well, if it isn’t the Winchesters. We’ve been expecting you.”

#dc comics #batman #supernatural #bruce wayne #dean winchester #sam winchester #zatanna #batman x y/n #dean winchester x y/n

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psychologyofsex · 4 years ago

Text

The True Story of How I Became a Sex Educator and Researcher

Our professional biographies tend to serve as a “highlight reel”—they only say the great things we’ve accomplished and don’t reveal the struggles, challenges, and uncertainties that went into building a career. To lift back the curtain on this, the Society for Personality and Social Psychology (SPSP) recently asked a number of scholars to submit their official bios along with their “unofficial bios” that reveal an extremely different version of the story with more twists and turns.

You can read some of the examples here. Although I didn’t participate in it, I thought it would be fun to do something similar on the blog. So here goes—I’ll start with my official bio, followed by the real, behind-the-scenes story.

Official Bio of Dr. Justin J. Lehmiller

Dr. Justin Lehmiller received his Ph.D. in Social Psychology from Purdue University. He is a Research Fellow at The Kinsey Institute and author of the book Tell Me What You Want: The Science of Sexual Desire and How It Can Help You Improve Your Sex Life. Dr. Lehmiller is an award-winning educator, having been honored three times with the Certificate of Teaching Excellence from Harvard University, where he taught for several years. He is also a prolific researcher and scholar who has published more than 50 academic works to date, including a textbook titled The Psychology of Human Sexuality (now in its second edition) that is used in college classrooms around the world. Dr. Lehmiller's studies have appeared in all of the leading journals on human sexuality, including the Journal of Sex Research, Archives of Sexual Behavior, and The Journal of Sexual Medicine.

Dr. Lehmiller has run the popular blog Sex and Psychology since 2011. It receives millions of page views per year and is rated among the top sex blogs on the internet. In 2019, he launched the Sex and Psychology Podcast. It ranks among the top sexuality podcasts in several countries and has been named one of “11 sex podcasts that will help you get better in bed” by Men’s Health.

Dr. Lehmiller has been interviewed by numerous media outlets, including The Wall Street Journal, The New York Times, The Chicago Tribune, The Boston Globe, CNN, The Atlantic, The Globe and Mail, and The Sunday Times. He has been named one of 5 "Sexperts" You Need to Follow on Twitter by Men's Health and one of the "modern-day masters of sex" by Nerve. Dr. Lehmiller has appeared on the Netflix series Sex, Explained, he has been on several episodes of the television program Taboo on the National Geographic Channel, and he has been a guest on Dr. Phil. Dr. Lehmiller has also appeared on numerous podcasts and radio shows, including the Savage Lovecast, the BBC’s Up All Night, and several NPR programs (1A, Radio Times, and Airtalk).

He is a popular freelance writer, penning columns and op-eds for major publications, including The Washington Post, Playboy, USA Today, VICE, Psychology Today, Men’s Health, Politico, and New York Magazine. He has also interviewed several prominent authors, journalists, and psychologists about their work for his blog and podcast, including Dr. Sanjay Gupta, Lisa Ling, Drs. John and Julie Gottman, and bestselling authors Christopher Ryan (Sex at Dawn) and Lisa Taddeo (Three Women).

Unofficial Bio of Dr. Justin J. Lehmiller

When Justin’s parents asked him what he wanted to study in college, he said “psychology.” He had taken a couple of psychology courses in high school that he found to be absolutely fascinating; however, his parents discouraged him from this because getting into a PhD program was tough and uncertain and, if that didn’t work out, they didn’t see much potential in a Bachelor’s degree in psychology. They encouraged him to pursue a career in occupational therapy (OT) instead because a family friend said “they needed more men in the field,” and also because his parents saw it as a path to job security with a pretty good paycheck.

He applied to a 5-year combined Bachelor’s/Master’s program in OT at Gannon University and was admitted. Incidentally, he was one of two men in the entire program. He spent a year and a half in it and made straight As in every course, including biochemistry and physics—but he wasn’t happy. He recognized the importance of OT to society, but it wasn’t his passion. After showing his parents that he was taking college seriously and earning good grades, they allowed him to switch his major to psychology.

Upon completing his Bachelor’s degree, he only applied to Master’s programs in psychology because he didn’t think he had the chops to get into a PhD program right away. The inferiority complex was strong in this one, so he didn’t even try. He applied and was accepted to Villanova University’s Master’s program in experimental psychology. He was not competitive enough of a candidate to receive an assistantship initially, although he eventually received one after another student dropped out.

He really wanted to study social psychology at Villanova, but there was only one social psychologist on staff at the time and several interested students. The only option for him was to beg one of the clinical psychologists to let him do a social psychology study for his Master’s thesis.

As he began looking for PhD programs to apply to, he met Dr. Chris Agnew at a meeting of the American Psychological Association. Chris was studying romantic relationships and Justin thought that sounded like a fun thing to spend his life doing. Plus, Chris was a super cool guy who seemed like a fantastic mentor. He applied and was admitted to Purdue’s social psychology program, although he was initially waitlisted (and rejected from all but one other program). Justin’s plan was to get his doctorate and become a college professor. Teaching and research sounded like things he could probably do.

Justin was assigned to teach a Health Psychology course at Purdue during his first year. He had never taught a class before and quickly realized that he was very uncomfortable with public speaking. The class was a disaster. Attendance dropped 60-70% within the first couple of weeks. He had no idea what he was doing and dreaded going to class each day—and he received poor evaluations in the end.

Around the same time, Justin submitted his first academic paper to a journal, it was promptly rejected and came with this review: “This manuscript is fatally flawed and of marginal utility, which is a shame because potentially interesting questions could have been asked given the topic and timing of the research. The tone of this manuscript represents the worst in scientific misconstrual, particularly because the claims are silly, wrong, or not warranted by the data.” Justin clearly sucked at both teaching and research—and if he couldn’t do those things well, how would he ever become a college professor?

He also started hearing horror stories from advanced students in his program who couldn’t find jobs and were sticking around for 6 or 7 years in the hope of eventually landing a job—any job. All of this led Justin to question what the hell he was doing with his life. Maybe he should have listened to his parents after all? Chris encouraged Justin to stick with it, though, as did his friends and mentors.

The next year, Justin got assigned to be a teaching assistant for a human sexuality course taught by Dr. Janice Kelly. It changed his life. He had to lead weekly discussion sections with students and answer their sex questions (a subject he knew next to nothing about, having attended Catholic schools most of his life). He read about sex extensively and instantly knew he had found what he really wanted to do with his career. He saw it as something fun and interesting—but also a way that he could make a real difference. He realized how little most people actually know about sex, and how education can correct so many harmful myths and misconceptions.

An opportunity to teach his own human sexuality class opened up the following year, and he took it. This time around, teaching was different—he was passionate about the subject and the students were, too. He had no problems with attendance. He ended up teaching this course six times before he graduated and eventually received a teaching award for it. He found that he loved being a sex educator.

He also found a solution to his public speaking anxiety: he started taking a beta-blocker (propranolol) on public speaking days, which removed physiological symptoms of anxiety. This allowed him to feel like himself in front of a crowd and, after just a few months, he no longer needed to take the medication—the anxiety had gone away completely.

He started conducting his own sex research, too, including a series of studies with Dr. Kelly on friends with benefits. His research skills improved and his studies started getting accepted instead of rejected.

He eventually landed a job at Colorado State University as an assistant professor, where he stayed for three years and continued his work as a sex educator and researcher. His partner couldn’t get a job in the area and had just taken a job in Boston, so Justin applied for every academic job within two hours of Boston. He was turned down for all of them. As a last-ditch effort, he applied for a teaching position at Harvard but had absolutely no confidence in it. He almost didn’t submit the application, but his partner encouraged him to do so. Justin had applied to Harvard’s PhD program previously and was rejected—if they didn’t want him as a student, why the heck would they want him as a teacher?

To his great surprise, he got the job at Harvard, where he stayed for three years. However, he had given up his tenure-track job in Colorado for a teaching position in Boston with no job security. So he decided to reinvent himself just in case things didn’t work out. In his spare time, he started a blog, wrote a human sexuality textbook, and became a freelance media writer. Communicating about sex science to the public became his hobby and was going to be his backup career in case the college professor thing didn’t work out.

Eventually, Justin’s partner wanted to move to Indianapolis for a job opportunity, so they left Boston. But Justin didn’t have a job at first and his backup plan wasn’t yet enough to be a full-time job. He knew the Kinsey Institute was nearby, so he drafted a letter to the director in the hope of establishing a connection, but he never sent it. He had a severe case of imposter syndrome and did not feel accomplished or experienced enough to have anything to do with what he saw as the premier hub for sex research in the world.

Much to his surprise, the associate director of the Institute reached out to him after he moved to Indiana to explore opportunities for working together. It was actually his hobby/backup plan that caught their eye—they were interested in working together to disseminate sex science to the public and were impressed with what he had done with his blog and social media.

Justin affiliated with Kinsey, but also jumped back on the tenure track with a job as the Director of the Social Psychology Program at Ball State University, which fortuitously opened up about 4 months after he moved to Indianapolis. After 3.5 years, he decided to leave full-time academics and do his own thing. His science communication hobby had managed to grow into a full-time job and it was no longer feasible to do that and academics. Plus, he found that the science communication work was really where his passion was. So, the backup plan officially became “the plan.”

Justin now spends every day finding new ways to help educate and inform the public about the science of sex. He’s still not sure how things ended up this way, but wouldn’t trade his current job for anything.

Want to learn more about Sex and Psychology? Click here for more from the blog or here to listen to the podcast. Follow Sex and Psychology on Facebook, Twitter (@JustinLehmiller), or Reddit to receive updates. You can also follow Dr. Lehmiller on YouTube and Instagram.

Image Source: 123RF

You Might Also Like:

How Do You Become a Sex Researcher?

So You Want To Be A Science Blogger? Here’s What You Need To Know

Sex Question Friday: What Is A Sexologist And How Do I Become One?

#sex education #sex research

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throwing-summers-at-the-walls · 4 years ago

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Hi, i hope you are feeling good! Im better than yesterday so i can finally answer you. First of all: i am so happy that you shared your fanfiction! i had a great time reading it! Im always open for more recs. Maybe your all time favorites? Or if you know some good h/c these are always welcome :) And YESSS please send me a link to your fanvids. -- yeah 13rw was super cursed. haha i also watched season 1 but thankfully i was able to sto watching becaue i could feel it making me feel bad (1)

I agree the suicide scene was just cringe (but i think i remember reading somewhere that they cut it out? idk) and overall this show just gave me the feeling that there was no hope and things are always getting worse instead of better and i hated that. but enough of that cursed show. can i just say i really admire how open you are about your feelings (like being suicidal and that) i realy, really admire this about you. i have so much respect for you that you can just share your feelings here (2)

I have never heard of ace attorney but that story you described sounds really good. and i get reading sth that isnt good for you and still doing it (because im a dumb bitch too :D) -- okay i might accept that Root will never grow on you (but i thought so too and look at me now :D) but i havent fully given up yet :)-- yes thats the girl. i think it was really sweet when she said that to Shaw. and i think Shaw appreciated it that someone tried to figure her out instead of just writting her off (3)

Shaw is really cool and definately also a badass and in combination with John its just great! but you will have to suffer trough some Shoot. but maybe, maybe you will end up not hating Root. hope dies last (idk how the saying goes in english, sorry). -- Did you ever ship Caresse (in a romantic way)? cause sometimes i do and sometimes i dont and i get so confused about it :) but i think most of the time i like them more as friends. anyway her death really sucked and you are right with (4)

her death and them losing the library it felt like a different show (i mean i guess it was a different show then). i kinda get your feelings about the destroyed library because i also really loved it (and im really bad with change) but i dont think it affected me as much as you. but yeah i still missed the library very much. and while the subway is a really cool new place its not the same. (also the subway is super dark cause its underground and idk it just makes the whole thing less homey) (5)

Yes he is everything! such a great, interesting character and i wish there were more John-centric episodes! (like ones that explored his character more). that was one of my biggest dislikes of the later seasons that John wasnt featured as much anymore. i think he chuckled a few times in the show but a real laugh? i cant remember one :( -- He did promise Joss to talk to Tyler so @show were is that talk? -- if seen the vid its awesome! thehiddenmemory has some great poi vids! (6)

yes i think so too. Like Grace would probably be relived and thankful that Harold is still alive and maybe they would even try again but eventually she would figure out that she cant trust him after lying to him for so long or sth like that and Harold would ofc realize that he is in love with someone else now. And then he finds out that John is still alive but stayed away cause he didnt want to get in the way of Harold/Grace. But then Harold comes back. And when they meet again John is like (7)

you came back for the machine? what about Grace. But Harold tells him he came back for John not the machine and then they kiss and have a happy live with Bear (sorry i got a little carried away here :D). -- Yeah Zoe is really hot and she needed more screen time! -- i hope you have a good day and i hope i havent messed up the numbers on the asks! :)

Hi ! I'm finally free from the resits, I hope you're doing okay with your thesis 💛

Sorry for replying late, there was the exam resits, and I read a bunch of fics, then I fell into pokémon and started bingewatching it. (Also I had a breakdown during therapy today so I'm gonna finish writing my answer to distract myself - it's been sitting in my drafts for so long rip)

Thank you !! It was a very personal thing, I'm really happy you liked it !! Your support and your comment made me thrive 💛💛

Tbh I was surprised to see it get kudos given that the only intended audience was my self projecting ass 🤣

So, my fav fics (my fav fic ever is in French, rip to y'all bc it's so good):

I am, I am, I am by RavenWhitecastle

Actually check the entire series this work belongs to: The Sinner and the Saint. I haven't finished it yet but I love it (I just skipped the explicit fics bc I don't like smut or sub!John)

Breaking All The Rules by talkingtothesky

Outsider Perspective by Neery

A Really Private Person by astolat

Hamartia (the hero's fatal flaw) by astolat

If Only for Tonight by spacemutineer

From Here, Where? by AKMars

Stroll by TheaNishimori

and the world was gone by lunarcorvid

a light that never goes out by vindicatedtruth

Limitations. by Michaelssw0rd

Reel you in and spit you out by Michaelssw0rd

All I Want For Christmas Is You by richmahogany

By What Power I Am Made Bold by brinnanza

Aftershocks by darringtons

At Certain Hours It All Breaks Down by nogoaway

construction of a kingdom by the_ragnarok

You Take Me Higher Than I've Gone by talkingtothesky

All Together Now by beadedslipper

I'll Let the Waters Still by brinnanza

Birthday Tradition by talkingtothesky

Things My Father Taught Me by KRyn

Truth is in the Eye of the Beholder by infiniteeight

Better Luck This Time by Lisztful

Motivations by JenNova

What's On the Table by cortue

In Another Life by Della19

I Thought We Already Were by talkingtothesky

Misunderstandings by thisstarvingartist

This is already fucking long omg so for the h/c: my bookmarks filtered with Rinch and h/c

Here's my playlist, it's mostly Rinch, but there are a few not Rinch vids, plus some scenes I like

This is long enough already, so it's time for a read more. Also, warning, we be talking about suicide

The portrayal of suicide is cringe most of the time anyway. If my suicidal ass can find a list of suicide methods and their lethality in 2 mins on Google you'd think writers who are supposed to do some research would be able to find them too but no they're like "ah yes slicing wrists" even though it's literally the shittiest method 🙄 (I just don't understand why slicing wrists seems to be such a popular method in the collective imagination ? It's weird.) At least in 13rw she took aspirin and cut herself vertically instead of horizontally but still, no hesitation wounds, and she dies even though she only got 4 wounds iirc ? I know more about jumping off bridges than slicing wrists, but it kinda sounds like bullshit to me. Also Netflix once suggested "beyond the reasons" to me, it's a sort of discussion with the cast and crew of 13rw and the only thing I remember is a moment of intellectual masturbation abt how they "opened a discussion abt suicide" 😬😬😬

They may have cut it out it's not impossible, idk I didn't hear about it, but it's not like I look for info about this dumpster fire lol. Maybe they faced backlash ? Wouldn't be surprised given how shit the show was. And yeah it has a hopeless vibe, I mean that's how it be when you're suicidal, but I didn't like it either.

You're sweet 💜💜 it's interesting that you find it respectable or admirable, I don't have an external point of view, so I'm just like 🤷 it is what it is. I understand where you're coming from though, I guess it's still quite a taboo subject, and suicidal people don't always feel comfortable talking about it, so me throwing around that I jumped off a bridge must be surprising. I'm detached enough from my suicide attempt that I'm able to talk about it without much of a problem, and I'm not really suicidal anymore.

Dumb bitches unite 👏👏👏 we be out there reading shit we shouldn't read

Yeah I think it's nice how the show didn't portray Shaw as a bad person for not having "normal feelings". Well, hope makes one live as we say in French (idk the English saying either lol) but don't hold much hope about me liking Root lmao

I used to ship careese bc they kissed in the crossing, but then I read some Rinch fics and I just ended up falling into it to the point where I stopped caring about careese. Now I think their relationship works better as a friendship.

Yeah all that change really puts me off... It just gives me "bad spin-off" vibes. Especially since there is less John :( and less Rinch :((((

Lmao yeah I just have a lot of feelings about early poi hgkfglrk. Also :/ I'm sad about the subway being less homey pls I just want happiness ?? I swear this show destroys my heart on top of owning my last braincell (brb changing my blog title to this lmao)

Mood I need all the John-centric eps, give me m o r e characterization and development and backstory and feelings hhhhhhh. I love him so much I just wanna spend more time with him. And that's what fics are for ! Yeah thehiddenmemory is so talented ! Astolat made some good ones too, on top of writing really good fics ! (Our fandom has been blessed with the presence of one of the ao3 founders hell yeah)

Also, remember how we talked abt the poi subreddit ? The other day I left a comment on there, wild I know. It wasn't a discussion about the last seasons though, I'm not crazy, it was about the impact poi had in our lives so I said it literally taught me English. Who knows maybe sometimes I'll comment again lol. I just don't wanna meet one of those people who prefer late poi over early poi.

Allow me to uuuuh write something based on what you said. Don't ask me how John survived with no major injuries, my man got that Thick Plot Armor alright. Hope you appreciate me getting carried away sjdkdksk it's kinda rushed and the first part isn't that good bc idk how to write Grace I'm just here for that sweet sweet Rinch stuff

Harold is eating breakfast with Grace in her kitchen – he can't think of her home as his home – when his phone vibrates. It's a text from the machine. It's a surprise, she barely contacted him since... He blocks the thoughts and the images coming to his mind. The machine sent him a picture. When he opens it, his heart misses a beat. Right here on his screen is a silhouette he thought he would never see again. His phone vibrates again. Another picture, this time it's unmistakably John, wearing his signature suit, Bear next to him. Transfixed, he stares at his phone until he feels Grace gently touching his arm. She goes straight to the point.

"Is it John ?" He looks up in confusion, but before he can say anything, she adds, "I hear you call him in your sleep every night."

"It's him, yes." He doesn't want to explain. He only wants to see John, to touch him, to tell him how much he loves him.

"You should go back to him. I like you, Harold. I am deeply relieved to see you alive. But I've been thinking, and... It's not working. This, us... You aren't really the man I fell in love with, the man I grieved... I can't trust you anymore." She doesn't say 'You lied to me' but Harold hears it all the same.

Harold sits on their bench. The machine indicated John often comes here. Soon enough, his arms are full of Bear, and John is standing in front of him.

"John. How are you ?" he asks when Bear finally calms down.

"Busy. And you ?"

Harold eyes him suspiciously – John once said he was busy when he was bleeding and way too close to death – but he seems to be well.

"I'm fine." He doesn't have time for awkward small talk." I thought you were dead. Why didn't you contact me ?"

"The machine told me you were with Grace. I thought you wanted to come back to your previous life. I didn't want to crash into it and ruin what you had."

Harold wants to be angry at him, but he understands. He did the same with Grace.

"You would never ruin anything. Besides, my relationship with Grace... didn't survive my lies. She's very dear to my heart, but she's a part of my previous life, as you said."

"So you came back for the machine, and the numbers, like the good old times ?"

Harold gets up from the bench.

"I came back for you. You are an important part of my life. The most important part."

John smiles, finally. He takes a step towards Harold, they're so close they could kiss. Harold reaches out, grips his shirt and slowly inches closer. He's still afraid of being rejected but John wraps his arm around him and kisses him. The kiss is over too soon. John's smile is even wider when they part.

"You're the most important part of my life too," he says before kissing Harold again. "You will stay ?"

"Always."

Damn I live for sappy Rinch stuff.

Bitches decided that Harold saying "always" is peak Rinch. It's me I'm bitches.

Also ofc I had to make a reference to number crunch, who do you think I am

Anyway. I hope you have a good day ! 💛

#half valid anon

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caltropspress · 4 years ago

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Notes on Pink Siifu’s NEGRO

You and anybody else who wants to get their random vicarious kicks off White Power can stay the fuck away from me.

—Lester Bangs

Tell a nazi he can suck my dick. —Pink Siifu, from “SMD”

My first contact with white america was marked by her violence, for when a white doctor pulled me from between my mother’s legs and slapped my wet ass, I, as every other negro in america, reacted to this man-inflicted pain with a cry. A cry that america has never allowed to cease; a cry that gets louder and more intense with age….A cry? Or was it a scream? —H. Rap Brown (Jamil Abdullah Al-Amin), from Die Nigger Die!

it is the hour of conflict, antagonism, struggle the world turning autumn in warpaint everything silently prepares to scream —Amiri Baraka, from “Disorder”

White institutional power operates to negate or suppress. To that end, white institutional power bestows awards on singular figures when it’s convenient. Let’s call one such example Kendrick Lamar. Pulitzer Prizing DAMN. is white institutional power taking cover. This, in no way, defangs DAMN. But it does provide crowd control. Pink Siifu, meanwhile, won’t be awarded a Pulitzer for NEGRO. If he did, I’m confident he’d pull an Adrienne Rich, telling President Clinton to choke on his National Medal for the Arts, seeing as how the U.S. gov’t drives “the demonization of our young Black men.” Siifu would be PE boycotting the Grammys on the grounds of Black invisibility. Or John Lennon relinquishing his membership in the Most Excellent Order of the British Empire because, well, empire (see: Biafra).

NEGRO is what happens when Three 6 Mafia goes full bandolier, full decolonization, full Thomas Sankara. When the emphasis is on the 666 sirening[1] across white cop foreheads, reflecting off Makrolon face shields. Siifu cites and channels Sun Ra, June Tyson, Death, and Bad Brains, but you also hear the mass hysteria of Abbey Lincoln’s vocal cords trembling, of Max Roach’s We Insist! in a street brawl showdown with the LRAD. Basically, it’s Ornette blowing sax in a riot, harmolodics like incendiary devices.

“FK” is the primal scream reaction of hearing the news another one of your people has been killed, snuffed out. Suffer through our screams, it says to the listener. And “out of body, out of mind” distorts what we see with what we witness. It’s the re-played, re-tweeted, re-shared visuals of Black death.

At moments, NEGRO sounds like Aaron Dilloway organizing a chapter of the White Panther Party.

Siifu’s lyrics are a Stokely speech draft. His artistry is prismatic, shattered pane glass: crust punk, jazz cat, marching band drummer, hood ballerina, noisemaker, bareknuckle emcee. His lyrics should be run off on the mimeo and saddle-stitched into a chapbook for Totem Press to publish.

“SMD” samples from Ivan Dixon's 1973 film The Spook Who Sat by the Door (“Do you hear me, man?...I am BLACK!”). Just like dead prez sampled the dialogue before Siifu on “We Want Freedom.” Siifu and dead prez are bedfellows, for sure, but Siifu's head rests on a pillow of static. It’s the friction that electrifies.

NEGRO is the art of de-arresting in audio form. As the comrades at Mask Magazine have stated, de-arrests “are beautiful,” reminding us “the law and the state are not supernatural forces.”[2]

I’ve always felt uncomfortable using the word freedom. It’s a word that’s been co-opted and gutted to the point of parody. I subscribe only to a different form of freedom, one articulated in noise. Suicidal Tendencies’ “Freedumb” cuts it: “Peace through politics is a fallacy—that doesn’t exist.” Liberation more seriously expresses the extinction agenda. Poor Righteous Teachers taught the curriculum out of Trenton, on “Freedom of Death”: “Consciousness—it’s a must / Just avoid the wicked, wicked ways of this pale Caucasoid.”

Regardless, we see freedom, liberation, knife through even with Siifu’s orthography. Revolutionary thought requires revolutionary language. Ask the Combahee River Collective. Come correct. Fuck autocorrect. Remember womyn. Siifu spellings like: nxggas, eye, tyme, iono, and the evergreen ameriKKKa. The abbreviated words—eliding letters wherever possible—don’t reflect self-censorship so much as the mindmaze of a harried man. Deliberate typos demonstrate no faith in the system. It’s like if Bon Iver (see: “22 (OVER S∞∞N)”) decided to forgo BLM symbolic gestures (Mahalia Jackson) and straight-up encouraged looting. Siifu is CAPS LOCK happy, too. We’re witnessing the joy of militancy.

To begin with, it must be said that former African slaves and their ancestors have been the avant-garde of everything in this country. There’s no culture in America, in this American wasteland, without us. There’s no classical music; there’s jazz, and that was invented by us. And besides that, America has nothing to offer the world and it never has. —Idris Robinson, from “How It Might Should Be Done”

Siifu in the audience of the Congress of Afrikan Peoples, and Baraka imploring him like, “Get up, Pink Siifu.” It’s nation time. But on “Nation Tyme.,” Siifu groans, I’m tired…can’t fall…asleep. Black rage, of course—but what of Black insomnia? The French revolutionaries abolished the calendar. CPT, so, is rightly weaponized. “I feel fettered by Western time,” Gregory Pardlo writes in “Colored People’s Time.” Punch clocks need punching, smashing. I saw Baraka roll up to a conference panel late as fuck once, cane-walking right down the center aisle, shameless, commandingly.

In a somnolent slur, Siifu says, “They treat me like I’m wasting away / I know I’m worth more than they pay.” What of these capitalist definitions of work? What of productivity? What does it mean to monetize every waking moment? He’s been quoted as saying, “I ain’t have to work for no white man.”[3] “Nation Tyme.” picks up there.

10. Feel like deadmeat. They say I’m deadmeat.

“DEADMEAT” is a pig siren stuffed into an industrial-grade slaughterhouse grinder. It sounds the way Alan Vega's sculptures look—hazardous masses of electronic junk, like wires raveled inside a homemade bomb, like buzzing viscera.

I want to see Siifu perform it at the Meat Locker, a cellar club in the underguts of Montclair, New Jersey (s/o the dramacydal Outlawz). The place is dingy and bedecked with feces—a venue befitting a GG Allin opener. GG Allin, a racist, who also hated cops. Who, on “Shove That Warrant Up Your Ass,” a track that appeared on the posthumous Brutality & Bloodshed For All album, sang, “You say I broke the laws in your state… / Your courts and cops should all be hung.” Allin hoists a headless, legless, armless torso on his hip in the cover photograph—a slab of meat. Like the Beatles with baby doll parts and prime cuts in their laps, bloodless butcher coats on the original Yesterday and Today (1966) artwork. Like the papal kill floor in Francis Bacon’s “Figure with Meat” (1954) with its tapestry of offal. But what you don’t get from Bacon, or the Beatles, or GG Allin is what Siifu needs us to hear. What Siifu tells us is the reality of corporeality is that cops continue to make carcasses of Black people.

11.

That cellar club can be scream therapy, can be cell therapy. Siifu brings us there—to the darkest, dampest corner of the Dungeon Family’s dungeon. Big Gipp, speaking self-defensively: “Try to separate me from the blood / Is disrespect like you coming in my home and not wiping your feet on the rug.” It’s echoed in Siifu addressing the question of his audience: “This [album] is for black people, but I know white people are going to fuck with it. I’m mad cool with that. I just want everyone to know, before they come through the door, that this is a black house and you have to respect my people.”[4] The theme of respect as it relates to a sense of home, to cultural tourism, is paramount in both. Everyone’s got to know their place. No listener should approach ignorant of the auction block. Siifu’s noise refuses the separation of kinsfolk and his stubbornness makes the dungeon shake—he is rightfully “tough, dark, vulnerable, moody,” and, on NEGRO, he has a “definite tendency to sound truculent.”[5]

12.

“ON FIRE, PRAY!” eventually grinds the brakes to a cavernous slowjam pace. “Blood on my body / Blood on my face.”

13.

The racist dog policemen must withdraw immediately from our communities, cease their wanton murder and brutality and torture of black people, or face the wrath of the armed people. —caption on Huey Newton photograph

NEGRO’s album cover, painted by Junkyard, is a call-and-response. Pink Siifu is a portrait of exhaustion, slouched, shirtless like Huey was when he was released from the Alameda County courthouse in 1970. It’s a tableau like Huey in that rattan peacock chair was. Eldridge Cleaver orchestrated it, right down to the zebra rug.

If you squint, the glimmer of Siifu’s gold fronts looks like his jaw is wired shut. Of course, violent threats are routinely directed at Black people—that's how the system operates. Media is often behind the scope. Relentless orders to “shut up,” to silence yourself, police yourself. We know this from David Wojnarowicz, photographed with his lips sewn shut, blood dripping like shadows, in “(Silence = Death)” from 1989. The violent threats on queer life are kin to those on Black life. But Siifu, like Wojnarowicz, refuses the censorship. After all, those aren't wires—they're the glint of his grill. Siifu is dribbling blood, too, and those black splatters across the flag are like pen bursts—ink poisoning for all. If you squint, the mind’s eye might see the Pan-African flag.

The flag above his head recalls Jasper Johns’ flags: elliptical, non-patriotic, made slop-bucket sloppy from newspaper shreddings and other detritus, i.e. amerikkka is a trash heap. At least the stars are black in the “Flag (Moratorium)” rendition. Bullet hole dead center, too.

If all goes well, the riots going on—bless them—will go on interminably. Sly Stone’s customized flag with black in place of blue[6] and sharp solar-flared suns in place of Betsy Ross geometric stars is yet another parallel to Siifu’s flag. Like Sly, Siifu isn’t opposed to police ambushes. They both know you’ve got to grin at the gun of the devil. (“Don’t you mind people grinnin’ in your face,” Son House sings eternally.) Citizen takes on cop on “Thank You For Talkin’ To Me, Africa”: Bullets start chasin’, / I begin to stop. / We begin to tussle. / I was on the top. Just the same as Siifu on “SMD”: “Iono why eye ain’t shot ya.” Or on “run pig run.”: “Kill a cop / Left a pig dead.”

14.

We can't disparage any aggressive protest on the reductive grounds it's aggro or violent. I think of Pam Echols in Milwaukee in 1968. Siifu’s assertion of you are my enemy on “steal from the ENEMY” corresponds with Paris’s sophomore and shadowy album, Sleeping with the Enemy. Like on the corrode-ode “Coffee, Donuts, and Death”:

You get poached when you fuck with black folk. Said it ’til my voice was hoarse. I ain’t down with excessive force, But of course I wasn’t heard so I’m silent now. Black folk can’t be non-violent now. […] The only motherfucking pig that I eat is police.

Which is to say, try no pork, ameriKKKa.

15. RE: punk

Think of Bad Brains playing CBGB’s in 1982. Lester Bangs writes of a woman in the scene who referred to Black people as “all these boons.” He tells us a Black friend of his believes the clubgoers “[strive] to be offensive however they can.” Anti-Blackness plagued CBGB’s and nascent punk like vermin, a pestilence. A white woman in the music business claims she “liked [Black people] so much better when they were just Negroes.” These anecdotes are culled from Bangs’ 1979 Village Voice piece entitled “The White Noise Supremacists.” He notes Ron Asheton’s predilection for “swastikas, Iron Crosses, and jackboots.” He cites Ivan Julian, guitarist for Richard Hell and the Voidoids—one of the few Black individuals to grace those inchoate punk stages—as saying “whenever he hears the word ‘n-----’…he wants to kill.” He calls Nico a “dumb kraut cunt” for her brazen, Third Reich-ish brand of racism, which was no industry secret. Bangs even implicates himself, quoting an earlier article: “…it’s the n-----s who control and direct everything just as it always has been and properly should be.” He meant this, somehow, as a compliment.

16.

On “we need mo color. Abundance,” there’s no innocence left in asking “tell me your favorite color.” Siifu answers rhetorically, parenthetically, melanin. Don't settle for forty acres of color—demand abundance. Take, loot in abundance. And don't be contained by the gendered parameters of “pink or blue.” “You can have any color you like” suggests the limitless possibilities if you move your mind beyond the imposed parameters.

The “favorite color” invoked on “we need mo color. Abundance” becomes abundantly clear on the following track, “BLACK!”

17.

“ameriKKKa, try no pork” starts in a slurry of radio static, news reports of Black death. Black, Black, Black, Black. Sped up. Slowed down. Drag the progress bar. “Progress,” ha.

18.

“run pig run.” See the pig / Run away / Run, pig, run. Like a Dick and Jane basal reader. Like picking your favorite color. Like a Three Little Pigs fable. Like huffing and puffing. These are childhood exploits for childhoods that aren’t allowed to be. As long as the Kenneth and Mamie Clark doll experiments keep providing the proof, there can be no childhood innocence. So it's a carnival game in the meantime: See a pig / Shoot a pig. Huffing and puffing: Run, pig, run.

19.

"myheartHURT" is the safehouse after the shooting. It's the cooldown, the chillout. The hypnagogic nightmare. It's vaporwave minus whiteness. We all know Biz had the vapors before Daniel Lopatin. As if DJ Screw was just an apparition, a codeine cloud. The fact remains, Screw's phantasmagoria hovers above all our heads.

20.

The wail of distorted police sirens introduces “Chris Dorner.,” a track gleefully indebted to Ice-T and Body Count’s “Cop Killer.” Repetition was a popular device and it still is: die, pig, die. Chris Dorner has achieved folk-hero status in anarchist circles and beyond since he waged asymmetrical warfare on the LAPD. His manifesto has been published as a zine.[7] “No one grows up and wants to be a cop killer,” he wrote. Begs the question.

21.

“faceless wings,BLACK!” nods to Frank Castle[8], a figure who may or may not be recoverable from militias and thin blue liners, despite Gerry Conway’s best efforts.

22.

White institutional power operates to negate or suppress. Pink Siifu, through NEGRO, refuses suppression and negation. Siifu delivers a hole in the head, and it’s sublime.

Footnotes:

1 “The Law comes sirening across the town.” Gwendolyn Brooks, “THE THIRD SERMON OF THE WARPLAND” from RIOT

2 “De-Arrests are Beautiful.” Mask Magazine.

3 “The Necessity of Pink Siifu’s Rage.” Marcus J. Moore. The Fader.

4 “Pink Siifu’s ‘NEGRO’ is a Riotous Mix of Jazz, Rap and Punk.” Max Bell. Bandcamp Daily.

5 Baldwin, the god.

6 “What did I do to be so black and blue?” (see: Armstrong); light a reefer and listen to the phonograph (see: Ellison)

7 Research and Destroy New York City. https://researchdestroy.com/

8 https://archive.org/details/PunisherPigs

Images:

Emory Douglas work (detail), courtesy of Sean Stewart archives | Makrolon face shield, Google Image Search result | Amiri Baraka performing at the Congress of Afrikan Peoples (screenshot) | Alan Vega light sculpture (photograph) | GG Allin Brutality & Bloodshed for All album cover | The Beatles Yesterday & Today album cover | Francis Bacon, “Figure with Meat” (detail) | Goodie Mob “Cell Therapy” (screenshot) | Splitting up a family at auction, Public Domain | Huey Newton Black Panthers Minister of Defense, photographed by Blair Stapp, 1968 | Andreas Sterzing, David Wojnarowicz (Silence = Death), 1989 | Sly and the Family Stone There’s A Riot Goin’ On album cover | Jasper Johns, “Flag (Moratorium)” | Pam Echols punching cop, 1968 (photographer unknown) | Sid Vicious, nazi (photographer unknown) | Emory Douglas work (detail), courtesy of Sean Stewart archives | Biz Markie Goin’ Off album cover | Oneohtrix Point Never Memory Vague album cover

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dyketectivecomics · 5 years ago

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Mystics in Therapy - Chapter 2: Groupthink

(Read on Ao3 or below!)

In this chapter: Zatanna and Constantine begin to lead group sessions for our young troubled mystics. (Spoilers for the end of Raven: Daughter of Darkness, and a few references to general pre52 canon. There’s a lot of mixing of canons & the biggest discussion/theme is a character’s death so keep that in mind & buckle up everyone!)

...

“Raise your hand if you have been personally victimized by Baron Winters,” Traci laughed, arm lazily outstretched as she watched each of the teens in the circle follow suit. It was the first thing to break the silence, the unnatural quiet of the room. Small smiles and a few chuckles escaped as everyone seemed to relax a little more.

They turned as the door creaked open again, Zatanna and Zachary following close behind her.

“Told you it was on the left,” Zach sneered, taking the empty seat on the far side of the room. Zatanna only rolled her eyes before taking in the room before her, nails tapping thoughtfully against the final empty folding chair.

They creaked with every fidget and shift the teens made, the metal old and worn. The room itself was lit well enough, but smelled faintly of a citrus air freshener. Too clean, too clinical. Zatanna shook her head, motioning for everyone to stand.

“No one’s going to be able to relax and open up like this. S’TEL TEG EMOS SEHCUOC NI EREH.”

None of the young mystics batted an eye as the chairs were all replaced by a two pairs of sofas and loveseats, all in varying styles. They took their seats again, carefully giving one another space, but none of them sitting properly on the cushions. Traci and Raven both had their legs tucked up, either under them or beside them. Zach had spread himself out on nearly the entire length of the couch opposite of the one his cousin shared now with the urban magician. Lori and Klarion shared the loveseat opposite of the one Raven occupied by herself, each letting their legs dangle over the armrest on the side and leaning against a pile of decorative pillows between them.

Zatanna’s eyes drifted around, carefully watching each of the teens and trying to gauge just how open they might be for this first session together. Not one of them were dressed in their usual hero outfits, instead sporting mixes of graphic tees and lounge wear, a few identifying accessories for personal style.

One would think this were a support group like any other, possibly one for wayward teenagers, instead of young mystics coping with a grave loss.

“Anyone want something to drink before we start? Or snacks? These things can run a little long-”

“Gods, can we just get started already?” Lori groaned, “We all watched Skye die. We’re all super conflicted and probably fucked up over it more than usual! Is that what you want to hear? Is that where we’re supposed to start?”

Raven starts tearing up, and Traci and Zach both roll their eyes.

“Real tactful there, Alice,” Traci grumbles as she conjures some tissue boxes, silently throwing them to each mystic. Klarion catches it expertly, Zach lets his fall at his feet, not bothering to move it. Traci passes the last one she has in hand over to the Titan at her side, giving a soft smile.

“I promise I won’t give you a lame nickname like barf boy’s over there, if you share first.”

The Titan gratefully accepted one of the tissues, shaking her head with a small laugh as she dabbed at her eyes. Zach stuck his tongue out at the magician before turning away again, appearing to take something out of his sleeve. Before Zatanna could call attention to it, Raven spoke up.

“I suppose I should be first… I was the one you all trusted to lead you-”

“I don’t remember putting it to a vote-” Zach started, his hands were occupied playing cats cradle with some glowing string. Zatanna gave a flick of her wrist to snatch it telekinetically from his hands, deftly balling it up and making it disappear in some sleight of hand.

“Shut up, Zach,” was the chorus echoed around the circle, to which the team laughed.

“One of the first rules of group therapy,” Zatanna started, “Be mindful and respectful of one another. I would hope that we’re mature enough to not have to resort to a talking baton to pass around-”

“Nope.” “All good.” “Hear you crystal clear, Miss Zee.”

The Leaguer nodded, turning to look towards the Titan then.

“Whenever you’re ready, Raven. If you need us to skip and come back to you, just say so.”

The empath took another breath, nodding before continuing.

“Like ripping off the bandaid. That’s how the expression goes, correct?” She paused, making tiny tears into the tissue, something to help distract and gather her thoughts. “I have been healing and helping… nearly all of my life. There have always been limits to what I can do. I have made my peace with that. But… It is different, when it is a teammate. Even one that we knew so briefly as we did Skye. I-”

She swallows carefully, “I wanted to help her. But how can we save someone who refuses that help? Why would she…” She sniffs a bit, waving a hand.

“Someone else wants to say something. I can feel it. Go on.”

Klarion and Lori both open their mouths to speak, talking over one another as they decided who would go first.

“I mean, I helped,” Lori laughed bitterly, “Not helped helped, but… Helped her to… You probably can’t feel it as much now, because there’s so many of us here, but I’m a leech. When I hijack someone’s powers, I’m always taking, taking taking. I mean… I killed her-”

“Don’t say that!” “She asked you to-” “That’s not fair-”

“I did!” Lori yelled, “Or I thought I did. At first. Maybe I didn’t take it all away, but if I hadn’t taken her powers she might-”

Zatanna reached over to gently tap the teen’s knee, breaking her rant before she could go too far.

“I don’t believe that, Lori-”

“Alice,” she bit out, “Call me Alice or call me nothing.”

“Alice,” the magician amended. “Some of us have found it helpful to go over the situation with others. In the League, we usually use it as an opportunity to prepare, to do better the next time we’re out in the field. But it can also be a little cathartic.”

There’s a beat of silence as each of the teens look at one another uncertainly, skeptically even.

“Do you want us to start where Winters tried to shanghai each of us individually?” Traci asked, “Or that last battle on Azarath?”

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Constantine watched his two charges for the afternoon as they carefully watched him. Amy was a small, strong-willed slip of a girl when she wasn’t galavanting as Princess Amethyst. Right now she was giving her glasses a quick polish with her Wonder Woman shirt before adjusting them on her face. She gave him a glare. Eddie was somehow a bit more unsettling to watch as he smiled at the occultist, all blood red skin and long horns that would make any demon John had faced before jealous. His leg was bouncing with what John could only imagine was either nervous or excitable energy. It didn’t seem like he’d sit still any time soon.

“You kids mind if I smoke while we’re at this, then?” He had the pack in his shirt pocket, already partially pulled as the pair gave their answers.

“No,” Eddie shrugged.

“Yes,” Amy said simultaneously, glaring even harder at the adult. He slowly tucked the pack back into his pocket. “I thought this was supposed to be a group session. Where’s the group?”

John sighed, rubbing at his neck before he took off the tie completely. The room was sweltering, and the demonologist was beginning to wonder if it was too late to change his attire.

“Winters’ little Night Force have something they need to work through together before we can join ‘em. So for now, unless those Shazam kids decide to join ya, we’re all we’ve got till they finish.”

The smile dropped from Eddie’s face then.

“Wait, Winters? As in Baron Winters?”

“What of it, lad?”

“I… I almost joined him. I… didn’t save the guy he sent me to save and… What happened? Oh my god!” He stood up and began pacing the room. Amy and John’s eyes only followed as he went.

“Relax, kid,” John started, “Listen, I’ve been through enough of these things to know how this needs to go. You can’t change what wasn’t in your control in the first place. But we can start talking about what is .”

He pat the seat a few times to invite Eddie to sit once more.

“So park it here, and let’s start by introducing us, yeah? You can go first…”

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

With a rough, uncertain start, they worked through their memories, each teen filling in the gaps for the others as they went along, piecing together bit by bit exactly what had led to Skye’s final moments as they remembered them.

“And then she was… gone,” Traci said. “It was like she… tore herself apart or something. Next thing you know, someone said we had to go back to Wintersgate and well...”

Zatanna nodded solemnly, waiting a moment or two for someone else to speak up before she filled the silence.

“It’s part of grief. Wondering what you could have done differently, or what you wish to do now. It may even seem like a good idea, to want to bring her back-”

“Been to Hell, thanks” Lori said, “The sights sucked. Not planning on returning.”

“Who said she’s in Hell?” Klarion pointed. And the group soon devolved into petty argument.

Zatanna massaged her temple before raising her voice just slightly above even her usual booming projection.

It wasn’t a yell. She would deny that much.

“TEIUQ!”

The magical silence was nearly hysterical.

The magician sighed, thinking carefully on what she was about to say next.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Diana’s lip curled in disgust as the staff member finished giving his report to them, immediately standing, fist clenching. But she was also frozen in place. What was there to do, what action could be taken in the news of something so horrendous?

“Where are the children?” she asked first.

“Some of them have elected to stay overnight. Some are at their own homes,” he supplied. “We can get in contact if-”

“And where is Winters?” Diana growled.

“Easy there, luv,” John said, “This isn’t the first time he’s been indirectly responsible for something like-”

“Oh, but we would know all about something like that, wouldn’t we John?” Zatanna sneered, “I should’ve shut him down after that night. I should’ve exposed every last damned thing he had done after Dad-”

“The League will figure out what to do with Winters and how to bring him to justice,” Diana said, interrupting as she paced to look out the window. She gazed into the night, as fireflies danced in the fields and clouds gently rolled, blocking moonlight and starlight alike periodically. “We’ll need to go about that carefully, if what you have told me about the man is true. But our priority needs to be the children.”

“Hard to be in this line of work and not seen a few things to keep ya up night,” John shrugged, “One of the first prices to pay with magic, trading in your innocence.”

“Not all of us had to literally trade it,” Zatanna bit out, “But I’ll call around. See if we can get the community to put a ban on Winters. Make sure he can’t contact them-”

“You two should be the ones to talk to them,” Diana said. The tone of her voice made it clear it wasn’t a suggestion, or even a question. It was a command.

Constantine immediately started laughing.

“You can’t be serious? Zee may be somewhat qualified, maybe, but I’m hardly-”

“A cautionary tale? A man with more experiences and regrets to rival the most accomplished mystic?” Diana guessed, scoffing, “No, Constantine, you’re hardly the man I want for the job. But you’re the one that’s needed. Just as you always are.”

The exorcist closed his mouth, turning away from the amazon as he stuck his hands in his coat pockets.

After a few beats of silence, Zatanna found her voice.

“Diana…” she sighed, “What are we even supposed to say to them? This… This isn’t something that’s cured overnight.”

The amazon turned from the window, hand placed on her lasso as she thought for another moment.

“Tell them the truth. And give them the room to speak theirs.”

#zatanna zatara #john constantine #rachel roth #traci thirteen #lori zechlin #klarion the witch boy #zachary zatara #amy winston #eddie bloomberg #diana prince #wonder woman #hic rewrite #heroes in therapy #mystics in therapy #randywritesfic #oh BOY lots of tags!#theres SO MUCH to say but i won't. (just gonna cross my fingers that anyone who's read the snippets so far also reads this!)#(feedback & reblogs are MUCH appreciated and s/o to EVERYONE WHOS DONE THAT SO FAR I OWE U PEOPLE MY LIFE)

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undiagnosednpdhurtseveryone · 6 years ago

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What is hoovering?

it’s called Hoovering….

What is hoovering?

Hoovering is a technique that is named after the Hoover vacuum cleaner, and is used by Narcissists (and other manipulative people) in order to “suck” their victims back.

Hoovering is often done after the silent treatment is given or the victim has left them. This behavior often starts off subtle and unassuming, and is done through voicemail, text messages, email, phone calls, notes, other people, or through any other form of possible communication with the victim. Because the Narcissist knows the victim’s weak spots, they will generally tend to target these areas in order to reopen communication. Once communication is reopened, the Narcissist generally promises change–which never, ever happens for any length of time. It’s like when Lucy holds the football for Charlie Brown, and every time he goes to kick to the ball, she pulls it away and enjoys his fall.

Some common types of hoovering after the silent treatment or the victim leaving are:

Text messages pretending to be concerned: “How are you?”, “Hey, I’m thinking about you”, “I know things didn’t work out, but you really do mean a lot to me. I just want you to know that.”

Text messages acting like nothing happened: “Hey stranger, long time no talk” or “Hey what’s going on?”

Text messages on or about special occasions/holidays: “Merry Christmas”, “Hope you are having a good birthday–wish I could be there”, “Are you going to Molly’s wedding next weekend? If you’re going, I won’t go–I don’t want to upset you.”

Text messages about the kids (especially if they’re not his): “I was at the park today and saw a cute kid that looked just like Jason. Just wanted to say I miss you guys.” or “I know you hate me, but please tell Ava that I wish her a happy birthday and I’m sorry I can’t be there.”

Text messages about an upcoming event: “Hey, I know you said you never wanted to talk to me again, but Disney on Ice is this weekend, I was thinking about taking the kids.” or “Aerosmith is playing next weekend and I have an extra ticket–you wanna go?”

Text messages about things you like to do that he’s never been interested in doing with you before: “Hey, there’s a vegetarian cooking class this weekend, you wanna go?” or “Wanna go wine tasting this weekend?”

Text messages about bogus family illnesses or some sort of crisis (including his own): “I think I might have cancer, can you talk?” or, “OMG my mom just had a stroke.” or “What does a heart attack feel like? My left arm really hurts,” or, “I can’t handle this anymore, I’m going to kill myself.”

Text messages that are supposedly meant for someone else, but sent to you by mistake: “See you in ten minutes xoxo” (Supposedly for his current girlfriend–sent to upset you.) “The boss just moved the meeting to Wednesday at 3pm.” (Supposedly for his coworker–sent so you feel a sense of obligation for the coworker.) Or, “Sam called and said John is in the hospital and to call him immediately.” (Supposedly sent to someone else, but sent to you so you feel a sense of urgency to get back to him.)

Text messages that are guilt or pity inducing: “Can’t we work this out? Please give us another chance.” “What about the kids? You know how hard it is having divorced parents–why would you want to do that to them?” “I have a lot of issues. I get that now. I’ll get into therapy. I promise.” “My alcoholism is out of control. I need help.”

Text messages about sex/deep connection: “I miss snuggling with you.” “You always be the love of my life.” “You are my soul mate, I’m sorry I let you down.”

Text messages that attempt to flip the hoover back on you: “Did u just text me?” or “Did you just call me?” or “Did I just see you drive by?”

Text messages, when all else fails, making bogus accusations to get some type of emotional response: “Why are you calling my mom and bugging her?” or “I just found out you cheated on me.” “I’ve moved on. You need to quit stalking me.”

All of these examples are just one big fat manipulation for you to open the door and let them back into your life. Don’t fall for it!

Why do Narcissists hoover?

Narcissists hoover because it’s their way of making sure you stay sucked into their game, and remain a source of their Narcissistic supply. Keep in mind that while they were giving you the silent treatment before, they were busy lining up someone else–generally a new girlfriend/partner. They haven’t returned to you because they care, or because they love you. They are incapable of love. Most likely they have returned because things didn’t work out with whomever they had replaced you with, and they are looking to feed off you some more. It’s very important that you realize that a “relationship” with a Narcissist is nothing more than a game–their game, and it’s only over when they decide it’s over. This is why you make take back a Narcissist during one of their hoover attempts, only to be discarded by them a few weeks later.

How can I be sure that this is really hoovering and not just a normal relationship that has it’s ups and downs?

Time will tell. If you keep having the same issues, with the same conversations with the same outcomes, and getting sucked back in over same promises of the same changes that never come, then you are in a relationship with someone who has no desire to change. End of story. (Here’s an example of both gas lighting and hoovering from my own life.)

It is impossible to have a relationship with a person like this–it’s all one-sided: their side! Normal/healthy relationships don’t follow this cycle. In normal relationships people are exhibit some form of empathy towards each other (even during a break up), are accountable for their behavior, and they show through their actions (not just their words) that they are truly remorseful. You may have issues in your relationship, but it’s not the same issues over and over again. In other words, a normal partner has the ability and desire to be accountable for their bad behavior and they work towards changing it. They aren’t unrepentant compulsive liar, cheaters, thieves or addicts/alcoholics.

A relationship with a Narcissist also differs from a normal relationship in that it follows a very distinct pattern that involves the same issues generally lying and cheating) over and over and over and over again.

The cycle starts out with love bombing/(or hoovering if you are in the makeup stage) then devaluing then discarding–and sometimes the devaluing isn’t even there (well it’s still there, it’s just not done to your face). Sometimes the relationship goes from amazing to nonexistent in the flash of an eye, with no remorse or empathy on the part of the Narcissist, and the victim is left in absolute shock as to what just happened.

How can I get out of the hoovering cycle?

The first step is for you to see it for what it is. Once you realize that you aren’t in a relationship but are a pawn in their sick game, you can choose not to play. If you are able to cut off all ties and go “No Contact” do so immediately. If you have children with them, or are unable to fully cut ties, you can implement a technique called “Gray Rock.”

Narcissists do not change. They only get better at hiding their true selves. I know it’s hard to let go of hope, but please break the cycle and get help. You deserve better. Domestic Violence shelter generally offer free or low cost therapy to people who are, or think they are in any form of an abusive relationship–and psychological and/or emotional torment like this is abuse.

From Lawrence Schneider on Quora

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winstonhcomedy · 5 years ago

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“Dope A-F” - 5/29-6/27 - “The Worst Time of My Life”

Guys I want to quit this stupid blog. I want to quit comedy. I legit just want to give up. Honestly good sets don’t feel good anymore. I am just incredibly freaking sad all the time. I don’t get it. I really don’t. Comedy seems to have ruined a lot in my life. I have put it before a lot of stuff that I don’t really think I should have. I am 29 and every day the comedy dream seems farther and farther away from being a reality. I am going to keep tracking my progress and I hope therapy helps this week. I just hate being sad. I love you laydees a lot and thanks for reading.

5/29

I got booked last minute to be on Ragtime in Arlington. I was going to close out the show that featured about 6 or 7 of Rahmein’s students from the comedy class he teaches at the DC Improv. I hit up my buddy from hs Nick and he said he was going to try and make it out.

I headed up there and got there a little later than usual. I set up my camera and got to hang out and talk to Matt Dundas and the host Josh Kuderna. It was already starting to be an ok sized crowd as we inched closer to start time.

The show starts and Josh has a dope hosting set. He gets the crowd in the mood for a dope show. Then Matt Dundas goes up and does pretty well himself. Then the parade of new comics goes. The crowd is actually pretty good to them. I think some of their friends were there, but not a ton. So I think they got some honest but supportive feedback from their performances. There were a handful that actually did really well and were pretty funny.

Some needed work, but they’re all super new so that is to be expected. They stayed for the whole show which was nice as well. They seemed super into comedy, and that is a good sign for new comics.

Then it is my turn. I go up and get to do about 30 minutes. It is not the best set I have ever had there, but I had some legitimately huge pops. I carried them throughout the whole show, but had a few lulls. I closed super strong and that’s all that matters. I got to work out some newer stuff, but not as much as I wanted. I’d give this set a B-.

I packed up my stuff. Talked to Nick for a while, and said my goodbyes. There were two girls there with a history podcast and invited me to be a guest on it one day. So that was pretty dope. I headed home and then passed out immediately.

Thankfully there are no shows the next day. My depression wouldn’t have let me do it anyway. I am going through a lot and it absolutely sucks. I don’t want to be near anyone at all, but I’ve got shows on the books and I am not one to bail on my commitments. So If I can do them I will.

5/31

Today wasn��t a bad day. I didn’t feel dope and I want to shake it, but I don’t know if I can. I had an ok day at work, and was excited that a few of my coworkers were coming to watch my show this night. Carlton Kotalo had booked me to be on his first showcase at Buskey Cider in Scott’s Addition.

I spent the afternoon feeling pretty shitty. I just wanted the show to start. I finally headed over at around 7 to set up. I got there and it was already pretty packed because it was board game night. It was also like 100 degrees in the venue. The manager of the spot took me to the back couches and opened up the back gate to let the air in. As soon as she did that it started to rain like crazy. It was an insane storm. They closed the gate and you could hear the hail for like an hour.

Carlton, Mu and Paula, Kusterer, Kenny, Klingman, and then Travis Carl and John Gilbreath showed up. We were all hanging in the back having a blast. A couple of my coworkers had to cancel, but then a big group of them showed up. It made me so happy to know they were there. It also made me want to do crazy well.

I found out I was fifth on the lineup, and they were going to start a few minutes late. They told the board game people comedy was going to start, and a lot of them actually stayed to watch. It was a really packed room, and honestly you could tell the energy was going to be amazing.

The show started and Carlton had a solid hosting set. He got people involved and did well enough that people were in the mood for the show. He is super new to comedy, so all things considered a dope first hosting set. Then he brought up Kusterer.

He had a dope set. I have been so happy to see him out after a long absence from comedy. He is so funny, and honestly a great friend. He has made himself available to me during this tough time, and that has meant so much to me. My friends from work all really liked him, and he did a great job getting the ball rolling.

After him was Mu. Mu did well as usual. His energy is super infectious, and he has such a welcoming attitude that it is incredibly hard to not like him on stage. Side note Paula had to save his life when he was eating some cheese dip and he didn’t see the huge amount of mold on it. So thank you Paula because without you Mu would definitely be dead by now.

Then Carlton went up and did a little time before the next comic. This kind of killed the momentum in the room. Kusterer told him that's a nono and he said he had no idea. Wingle went up next and had a good set. He did some crowd work including bringing men and women on stage to try to get them dates.

Then Klingman went up and did his act. The vibe was still good, but people had become more talkative as the night went on. I had about 8 or 9 people there to see me. I needed a good set. Like my anxiety is through the roof, I am incredibly depressed, I feel super lonely, and honestly have felt incredibly unfunny for months now.

Carlton calls me up and I just go into it. I am doing some crowd work to get people’s attention up top. It isn’t killing, but I am laying the groundwork that people should be paying attention to me. I have a group of teacher’s there so when I mention teaching they make a ton of noise.

After a few minutes of ok laughs doing crowd work I go into my act. It is working from the beginning. Each joke hits harder than the last. The laughs are rolling and building. I am selling my jokes, and my delivery/cadence is where I want it. There is one dude who doesn’t seem into it so I talk about him hating my comedy but loving to have sex. I ask what he does for a living. He tells me that he runs the place. I then talk about it being the last show there, and it absolutely destroys.

I then hop back into my act and it’s nonstop laughs until the end. I close really strong, and get off stage sweating so much. It was so hot, and I was working so hard, but it was worth it. I go to the back and all my friends are so proud of me it made me feel good. The feeling is fleeting due to the depression, but honestly that one moment made it all worth it. I’d give this set an A

John goes up next and does ok. After him is Travis and he doesn't seem super pleased with his set. All in all everybody did well. I got a bunch of compliments on my set, and I definitely needed it. I needed that validation tonight.

After the show I hung out with my friends a bit, and met a bunch of new people. I talked to the manager and the bartender and they loved it as well. They were so excited with how the whole show went, and that’s all you can ask from a venue. As people filed out I said all of my goodbyes and then eventually left. I headed home still depressed, but ready for the rest of the weekend. I am still working on me, but it feels like an endless journey.

6/1

The next day I just didn’t do anything. I tried to keep myself occupied, but I couldn’t really get my mind off of anything. I had to drive 2 hours to Haymarket to do a standup show that was almost cancelled due to only having 5 tickets sold. I told them to do it anyway, because I needed the money, but truth be told if it had been cancelled I would have been ok curling up in my bed and sleeping the rest of the weekend away.

I get up there to Giuseppe’s Italian restaurant in Haymarket. The show is being put on by cakeismyfriend.com and the dude behind that is Gifford Jones. He is a super nice guy, and the setup is really cool upstairs at this restaurant. There is going to be a Prince cover band after us, and they will be on stage with us the whole time. Shows like this are always fun because you can get them in on the act and play with the room.

I have a seat and the rest of the comics show up. My buddies Kevin Tit and Jose Sanchez show up and we shoot the shit. WE don’t know how this show is going to go, but before it starts we did have about 20+ people there which is way better than we originally thought. Right before the show starts Paris Sashay (JFL, Epix, Comedy Cellar) and her partner Miss Jackson show up. Miss Jackson is hosting and Paris is closing out. This is going to be a good show.

6/4

I had to go drop my car off to be repaired since I had hit a deer. I also needed to pick up a rental car after work. Since I idd this I had to cancel my show in DC. Which was ok because there were a couple of mics in the city.

I headed over to Mojos to relax and get some wings. I got some writing done, but for the most part I just reflected for a bit. The wings were delicious and I was ready for the show to start.

I went up super early and bombed really hard. They were not into what I was doing, but they were respectful. I couldn’t connect and felt super unfunny. I was so glad to be able to get out of there and do another set across town. I’d give this set a D. I got maybe one good laugh. It felt brutal.

I headed over to Fallout. People were not doing super well, but there was at least a few people hanging out and paying attention to the show. So there was a crowd, but no one was connecting. I really wanted to do well since no one else really was. I felt like I could crack them.

I went up and had a really solid set. I got some really good laughs, and it lasted throughout my entire set. I’d give my set a B. I definitely needed that after the first show of the night. I hung out for a bit and then headed home.

6/7

I had been so excited that I was going to get to do Wabi Sabi tonight. My friend Stella was getting a guest spot on the show (she had never done Wabi before and it is a definite good learning experience for new comics). The other comics on the lineup were Travis Carl, Brandon Beswick, Kenny Wingle, and hosted by Jason Klingman.

I get to Klingman’s house early and get a nice hang in with everybody. We are having a good time just relaxing and joking around. In my head I just want to murder. I really want to keep the good run of booked shows I have been doing going. Wabi can be a tough room, but I refuse to fail. I want to have a hot set.

We go over and it is actually a super nice crowd. We are still a little early so the comics are hanging, and ordering food/drinks. This has the vibe of it being a great show.

Klingman goes up first and has a really strong hosting set. He does about 15 and really has them going. Then Stella goes up and loses them. This room is an excellent trial by fire. You have to connect to this crowd, and not let go. If you give them an inch they will take you down. She did her time, but it was not the kind of set she wanted.

During her set I get a text message from my mom telling me that they are going to take my dad to the Emergency room because they thing he is dehydrated. I told them to keep me updated and asked if it was ok. Mom said yes so I went back into the room.

Beswick goes up and he has a solid set, I am just ready to go up since I am next. He wins them back and gets the ball rolling again. I tell myself I have to kill and I go up.

I had a super hot set. I connected with the crowd, and ended up mostly doing crowd work. I am able to get the room quiet (it is always loud when they aren’t 100% into it). I have a hot one, and the crowd digs it a lot. I got some huge laughs, and I felt really proud of the set I did. I’d give it an A-. I got off stage feeling amazing. I txt my mom to check on dad and she says she doesn’t know what is going on, and that they are running tests.

Travis, and Kenny go up and have good sets too. All in all it was a super fun show. We all had a really good time. I order food before I go back up for Sex With Me Is Like with he other comics. We group and that goes well too. It was a super fun show.

I get off stage and read a text from mom that says things are not good with my dad. I head to St. Mary’s Hospital (which is where my dad is being moved to). They took forever to move him so I sat in the car for an hour waiting for my mom and brother to get there. When they showed up they gave me the news. They say it isn’t good. They found a lot of nodules on my dad’s lungs, and liver. Also his kidneys were not working. I started to cry, and we went inside. My dad was medicated due to the pain, but I got to talk to him. I immediately cancelled my shows for tomorrow so I can be there, but this is all coming so fast that I don’t know what to do. We all talk, and cry for a long time. When it is time for bed I headed out and tried my best to sleep. I pray tomorrow will come with better news.

6/8

I was super upset. I posted about the situation on FB. Probably too soon, but I needed and wanted people to pray even though we had no idea what was going on. I had shows in DC and since they were cancelled I spent most of the day at the hospital with dad. He was in pain, but in good spirits. I hated seeing my father like this. I was there with my brother, my mother, and some family came sporadically throughout the day.

I needed to get out. I knew I was going back to my house alone that night to get my dog to take to my brother’s place the next day. I wanted to see my friends badly. So I made the decision to go to The Intermission open mic. After being in the hospital all day and seeing my father like that I just wanted to seem friends and have some positive energy.

I get to the show and a lot of my friends are there. I get to see Liz Carr, Ben Oliver, John Marg, Mu Cuzzo, Stella Naulo and several others. Honestly I don’t remember much from the show. I remember it was fun and I got fries from a food truck that was Super Bowl themed. I remember I had a good set. I worked out some new stuff and after listening back I’d give it a B+. One of the better sets of the night and it felt good to not let what was happening alter my act.

I talked to my friends a bit and headed home to spend a very lonely night in an empty house with my dog. I was so upset I couldn’t sleep in my own bed. I just watched tv until I passed out and slept on the couch.

6/9

I did no shows this day. I just woke up and took the dog to my brother’s before spending all day with my dad. He was still in a lot of pain and we had to wait until Monday to get the biopsy done. Waiting around is so upsetting and it is total bullshit. I just want my dad to be ok. I spent the night at my brother’s and just stayed up watching tv.

6/10

I went to work this day and it just kind of blew by. There is stuff going on there, and I just let it roll off my shoulders. I tell my supervisor what is going on, and that I don’t know what is up. So they move some things around for me.

After work I went and spent 5 or so hours at the hospital with dad. More family was there and there was a lot of crying. Dad was still in pain, and his kidneys weren’t working great, but they were better. They were able to do the biopsy and he was super out of it afterwards. He was on some good medication so the pain wasn’t as bad.

After this I headed over to Jkogi to do a spot. I got to catch up and talk to a lot of friends. Melissa Harris, Ry Mather, Anthony Thompson, Bryan Williams, and others were there. It was good to talk. I went up and had an ok set. I don’t remember what I talked about, but I remember it did ok. I’d give it a B-.

After my set I go outside because my brother called. We talk for about 20 minutes. We are both so worried, but we realize we have to be there for mom and dad. We love each other a lot, but this is hitting us hard. After I talk to my friends some more and the show ended I headed out to get some sleep.

6/11

I went to work again, and then afterwards went straight to the hospital. They tells they will have the results by tomorrow afternoon. I didn’t get a chance to meet eh Oncologist, but he is pretty sure no matter what we are going to be dealing with cancer. I am super nervous and scared. Dad is out of it a lot, but we get to talk about some things. I just keep telling him how much I care about him. He is in pain.

6/12

I go to work again. At the end of the day I call my brother and ask what the diagnosis was. HE asked if I wanted to hear in person. I tell him no (since I have therapy right after work I wanted to deal with it there). My brother tells me that it is stage 4 pancreatic cancer. He tells me it is not good at all. The only positive is the doctor told him that due to dad’s age and health he is eligible for extremely aggressive treatment. So we are looking at extending his life for as long as we can. I start to cry to some of my coworkers and then head over to therapy where I have what has to be one of the most important sessions I’ve had. I leave not happy, but I leave better than I went in.

I headed to the hospital to hang out. My dad is knocked out most of the day but he keeps waking up and I get to talk to him some. We are all crying, and eating bad food. Some family comes, but my father has made it clear he doesn’t want people to see him like this so we have to go in the waiting room to see them.

After being here until around 9:30 I headed over to McCormacks to do a set before staying at a friend’s house. I ask to go up early to talk about all of this, and Jesse is very sweet and tells me I can do as long as I want.

It is a lighter list tonight, but I still only plan on doing around 6 minutes or so. There is a small crowd and I am unafraid of how this is going to go. I go up first and go right into it. I talk about his diagnosis and the hospital. It is a really cathartic set, and I do really well. I’d give the set a B+. I closed with a joke he wrote and began to tear up so I got off stage. I go to the back to talk to my friends and it is all just a blur to me. I watch some more of the show, and some of my friends tell me it was really funny, and dope I was able to make that stuff funny. The laughs meant nothing. I just don’t want to lose my dad. I leave and pass out. I’ve decided I’m taking the next two days off from work. I need to be there all day.

6/13

I did no shows this day. I call out from work and just spend all day with dad at the hospital. We get to talk. He is in pain. He is hurting so bad. The worst part is he has deteriorated so much in the last 24 hours that the oncologist has taken treatment off of the table. He has to get stronger first. So we have to make him eat. Which he doesn’t want to do because it hurts him too bad.

We try to get him to drink the Ensure shakes. He will start to drink them, but it still hurts him. We have plans to meet the Palliative care team tomorrow. I am not excited about that at all. This is a lot.

6/14

I call off work the next day and emailed my supervisor. I have started to look into the Federal Medical Leave Act. I might have to take 12 weeks off unpaid to help take care of my dad. I still have hope that he will get the strength back to come home.

We get there and he is much worse. He has gone down a lot in a week. This has all been a blur. So we have to make some tough decisions, but we begin to move into the realm of making sure he is as pain free as possible. He is still able to talk a little and I use this day to say anything I’ve ever wanted to say to him. I tell hm I love him over and over. He tells me he knows and loves me too. My brother brings his daughter by, and he gets to see her for what feels like the final time. It was the sweetest and saddest thing I have ever seen. He loves her so much. We all love him so much.

We cry and hangout all day. I can’t remember all that we talked about, but we had family and friends come by as well. When he finally goes to sleep for the night I headed over to Slyderz to do a set. I am feeling sick and have like no voice. I take some medicine and am going to stay with a friend after because I have three big shows the next day.

I see a few fiends including Mu Cuzzo and Paula G. I get to close out the show and I do about 20 minutes about dad. It bombs really hard. I am unable to connect, and my voice is gone. I am straining it trying to work through this. There are a few people who enjoy it, but it is def a bomb. I’d give this set a D- or F+. The only positive is someone comes up after the show and thanks me for talking about it. He loved it and he lost his father when he was in fifth grade so he gets how scary it can be. I go and grab some junk food and go to a friends. I pass out. I take a bunch of meds, but my voice is gone. I texted the show runner for my first show the next day and tell them I can’t do it (it was a father’s day show) and I am going to spend my time that morning at the hospital.

6/15

I woke up and headed straight to the hospital. I get there and my mom informs me that it was an awful night for dad the night before. So he requested that he be medicated to make the pain go away. So from this point forward he isn’t really able to communicate back with us. So I spend the day just talking to him and the family. Telling him how much I love and appreciate it him. How proud I was that he was my dad, and that I was going to keep making him proud every day. I had no voice and two shows to do. I knew I could do them, and they had to go well. So I headed to the first show.

The first show was a couple’s show in the southside of Richmond. It was for Love is. Which is Amzi Jackson and his wife Cherice Jackson’s business. They specialize in events to bring couples together, and work on themselves.

I was scheduled to do 30 minutes to start the show. It was an entirely black show, and I was so excited. Unfortunately my voice was gone. Like almost destroyed. I knew I had to pull through. I was getting paid and I have to kill.

I get brought up and go into 30 minutes of crowd work. I just hopped around and got to know a lot of the couple’s. It was so so much fun. I was able to call back to the previous couple’s and I asked questions about where they met, and what their biggest problem with their partner is. It went extremely well. Even with my voice failing I was having a hot one. I can’t imagine how well it would have gone had I had my full vocal capabilities. I’d give it a B+

At the end of the set I told people to keep my dad in their prayers. I had 6 separate people come up to me after the set and talk about how they had met my dad at another show. They said he was such a kind, funny, and sweet man. They said he wouldn’t stop talking about how proud he was of his two sons. I needed to hear this. I said my goodbyes and headed to Harrisonburg to close out the World Series of Comedy satellite event at Court Square Theatre being put on by Dawn Womack.

I get to Harrisonburg and my buddy Paige Campbell gets there as well. He is doing a guest set to open the show. A lot of my buddies are there. JR, Chris Cantrell, Jericho Zornes, Donna Lewis, Glenn Lawrence, and KD the comic were all performing. There were also a few people I had never met before performing.

Backstage Dawn gives me a gift basket that contains an X-2 comedy shirt (her clean comedy group) and candy. My voice is even worse than it was and I am so worried it is going to give out on me at the end of the show.

The hang in the back is a lot of fun, but I am having a really hard time getting my dad off of my mind. I know he would want me to do great, but it all feels pointless. There are four guest judges and an audience vote. The judges are Landon Turner (NFL/Dawn’s son), her husband, a British dude, and another lady from the radio (who I’ve seen heckle at comedy shows at Golden Pony). There is also a massive crowd. The venue is sold out, and it looks amazing.

The show starts and Paige has a good set. Dawn goes next and gets the show rolling. Honestly no one bombs. Everybody has a really good set. Especially Donna Lewis who killed extremely hard, and Chris Cantrell had the best set I have ever seen him have which was awesome to see.

They do a 10 minute intermission before my set. I am even more nervous, but I only have to do 10. The intermission ends and I go up with almost no voice and go into it. I have a really strong set. My material is working and then I do crowd work with the judges. It gets a lot of laughs. I ask the British guy to say something mean in his accent. He goes, “unlike you I wear a hat because I know my hair is bad.” Which got a huge laugh and I gave him a high five, and then asked him, “then what do you plan to do about your teeth.” Then the radio lady heckles me, and I say she has a face made for radio and it is a super fun ending to the show. I’d give it an A- or A. Afterwards I couldn’t even speak.

I thanked Dawn again and said bye to my friends. Then I drove a lonely 2 hours back to Richmond to the hospital. Where I spent the waking hours of Father’s day staying up until 4 am with my mom, and brother circled around my father who had just been admitted into inpatient hospice. We told stories all night, and it was so reminiscent of when we used to go on vacation together.

6/16

The next day was father’s day. WE spent the entire day there hanging out, and talking to dad even though he was medicated. Almost mom’s entire side of her family came and spent hours in the waiting room to give support. They circled around and talked for hours, and any time we needed relief from the situation we could go out and see them. They brought mom and I chicken pot pies from KFC.

After all of this I went and stayed at a friend’s extremely late that night. I had heard back from my boss saying that I had been approved for 2 weeks of unpaid leave. So I knew I was going to be here as long as I could. I said everything I could think of to say to my father. I talked to him about sports, music, and just told him all the things I was thankful for that he did for me.

6/17

The next day was the same. I spent the whole day there. I went and got dinner for my brother, mother, and I from a hibachi place. It was one of my dad’s favorite types of food so it seemed fitting. We hung out and continued to not leave dad alone. We just kept talking, crying, and praying. After another super long day I went back to my friend’s and passed out. I woke up to use the restroom at 2 am. I had 20 missed calls from my brother, 16 from my mom, and a text that read, “call me”. I already knew what had happened. I called my mom and she told me my father, JB Hodges had passed away at 11:40 pm on Monday, June 17th. It was devastating news. I went back and tried to sleep because I knew that tomorrow was going to be hard.

6/18

Today was a bitch. Today we had to go to the funeral home and meet the funeral director. We had a lot of planning to do in a very little amount of time. We went and they were very sweet. We drove through the parking lot and saw they only had Cadillacs. This was going to be a nogo. My dad sold Ford’s for over 40 years. There was no way in hell the last car he was going to ride in was going to be a damn Cadillac. We got there and she jokingly said maybe we could get a pickup truck. We thought about it and laughed. Then later were like we want the pickup truck. We called the car dealer and they loved the idea. It was going to be an awesome tribute to my father. We spent the next three hours picking out package, and contacting who we needed to contact. I called the pallbearers and we got it all taken care of in an exhausting 3 hours.

We then went and picked up my niece and hearing her ask for her “Ganpa” was one of the saddest moments of my life. This was going to be an incredibly tough day for mom.

We were there for her the best we could be. Surprisingly mom’s family came over as well. They surprised her with dinner and we just enjoyed each other’s company until late in the night.

There were two open mics happening and I had to go do at least one. I didn’t have the emotional energy to do both so I chose to do Fallout. Kate Carroll was hosting and there wasn’t. a lot of people there. I just asked her if I could go last and take my time.

She let me. There were some of my friends hanging out as well. Stella, Brock, Wilson, Jayron and a few others. I can’t remember much of their sets, but I did get to go last.

I went up and had a super cathartic set. I did about 15 minutes all about my father passing and his time in the hospital. I didn’t start to lose it until my last joke. I did the joke that he wrote and was proud of. I started to cry as I finished and got off stage.

The coolest part was a dude came up to me and told me that he lost his dad a few years back. He said it gets better, but you never get over it. I asked him about his dad and we both shared some of our favorite memories. We talked about our first concerts with our dads (his was Styx, and mine was Beach Boys). It was an awesome moment and best part of the day. I’d give the set a B-, and this moment elevated the night. I headed out and went to sleep, or at least I tried to.

6/19

This day was kind of relaxed. I stayed at my brother’s and just kind of hung out with my niece after she got back from day care. I needed a day to myself. Mom went home to visit her great aunt and family who had come up. After hanging out I went to see some friends and to do Home Sweet Home. Jason Kusterer was hosting and he told me I could do whatever I needed. I had asked to go first and then told him I wasn’t ready for that and asked to go like 7th.

The show starts and it was just nice to see a bunch of my fiends. Kusterer, Tom Hall, Pearlstein, Mike Engle, Patrick Nowaczyk, John Thomas, Bryan Williams, Stella and a bunch of other newbies.

There was an actual crowd. I should have video recorded my set, but I was too in my head. It was insane it was packed upstairs. Everybody was doing pretty well, and I was ready to do my set. I went up and just unloaded. Everything was working. I did about 8 or 9 minutes and it was all about dad. It was so cathartic. It felt so good and the best part was it killed. I’d give this set an A-. This was the set that made me realize there is a really good chance I could turn this material into something special.

After my set I hung out with friends until the show ended. I also had another person come and tell me that her best friend had just gone through that and they wish she had heard it. She said that she was sorry for my loss, but loved my set.

I got some hugs from some of my besties, and legit felt ok for a little bit. After all of this I headed to a friend’s to try and sleep. Tomorrow was going to be the visitation and I didn’t know if I was ready for it or not.

6/20

Today was the visitation for my father. It was a long day. We were supposed to be there from 2 to 7. The first hour was just for us and then at 3 we would open the doors for visitors.

The line was so long to see my dad they started early. We opened it up at like 2:30 and it went all the way past 8. They said it was the second biggest visitation they’d ever had there. The first biggest was a firefighter who died on 95. There was about 1200 people who came to see my dad. They all had a story to tell. It was incredibly sad, but also incredibly moving. To have people for 6 hours tell you how awesome your dad is, and how much he meant to them is an amazing feeling. I had a bunch of comedy friends come as well. Kate, Nick Deez, Richard Woody, Bryan Williams, Chris Alan, Paige Campbell, Dylan Vattelana, and Marcelo. They came to support and it was dope. I also had a ton of friends from hs come and even my ex who I haven't talked to in years.

We all had a good cry as we said goodbye to dad once everything was over. The entire family then headed to Outback to have a huge meal. It was the type of thing my dad would have loved, and that is what made it kind of special. The whole family together just loving each other, and that is what life is about. I headed to my brother’s and passed out.

6/21

So today was the day. Today was the funeral. I got dressed and drove my mom to follow behind my father in the F-150 truck. He got a procession of all of his family driving about 11 ford vehicles. He would have loved it so much.

We got the church and it was already packed. I have never seen a funeral like this before in my life. They had to open up the back room, and the downstairs classroom and have a livestream of the service. It was one of the toughest things I have ever been a part of.

It was an absolutely beautiful service. It truly was amazing. I had some really good friends from comedy come support. Stella, Anthony, Dawn Womack, Brandon, and Alex all came. I also had a ton of family and friends from hs came as well.

Afterwards we invited everyone back to the church near our house where we were going to have a big meal and celebration. A ton of people came and it was truly something special. Hung out there for a few hours (Alex came to that), and then headed to the house to pack before heading to stay at a friend’s place. I looked at some pictures and headed out. I am going to be ok, but I don’t think I will ever quit missing my father. I love him so much.

6/22

The next day I relax a bit before I have to get back on the horse and head down to feature at Bunker Brewpub and Cadence Hall at Virginia Beach. Brendan Kennedy is the one producing the show and the headliner is Jeff Simmermon (born in Norfolk, but based out of NYC). The venue is right the ocean front. I leave pretty early and it still takes like 3+ hours to get there and get parked. Mainly because it is Latin Fest and it is absolutely packed for the summer. I head over to the venue from the parking lot. I walk by some preacher yelling at people on the street and then I get to the spot.

I go to the back and I am the fist person there. I charge my video cameras and sit and wait. It is a super cool venue, but it is really big. If it doesn’t get packed then it will definitely not be a good show.

Brendan shows up and we talk about comedy down in the area. We also talk about losing may father, and what he went though when his dad passed away. After a while Jeff showed up with his gf. I forgot her name but she was incredibly sweet and kind. We all talk beforehand and it starts to fill in a bit.

People are sitting in the back but not up close. So we are worried it is going to suck. We push the show start back about 10 minutes, and as soon as we do that it really fills in. All the seats get taken and they have to add about a dozen chairs. It was awesome. The close the giant garage doors that go to the side and I get both of my cameras set up.

Brendan goes up and starts the show and he has a very strong hosting set. He did about 15 minutes and is doing well. He got the crowd into it, and turned them from a group of people into an actual comedy crowd. I was so nervous. My voice was finally back, but I was still nervous about what to do.

I go up and do about 8 minutes of crowd work to start the show, and it is destroying. I am ripping on VB, and the audience. I get some huge laughs and then go into my material. It all works really well except I lose a few people when I talked about my dad so I bailed. I then went back into my material and it is doing so well. Other than losing them for a minute I had a really strong set. I’d give it an A-. I get off and feel like I did my job. I get off stage and see that my friend Kim Nario (improvisor) showed up to support. We talk for a bit and then I went to txt me dad about how well the show went. I then remembered he was gone and cried a bit in the restroom. I go out to watch the end of the show.

Then Jeff goes up and he does well too. He does about 37 minutes, and is working out his new headlining set. He is a storyteller so it is super interesting to see a dude like that work. After he gets off stage he is very complimentary to me. We talk about our sets a bit, but I go to put my cameras away. I have a bunch of people come up and tell me how great I did and one lady in particular told me she loved the dad material and to not stop. She said losing your father is so hard, and that it was nice for her to be able to laugh at it.

Kim and I talk about my dad situation and she tells me it could be healing to go to the water and just touch it. So I say my goodbyes and we head to the beach. Kim and I have a wonderful conversation about loss, and she was right. It was very helpful to just be there, and be present. We walk back towards the boardwalk and say goodbye. When I head back to my car I catch up with Brendan and he thanks me and tells me it exceeded expectations. That is all you want to hear from a show runner. We talk a bit more and go our separate ways. I headed home and passed out immediately.

6/24

This was my first day back at work in about 10 days. It felt good to be back and be with my friends. It made me happy to see the kids again. After the show I went over to my brother’s and hung out with my niece. We had the best time. We hung out and had a nice dinner. After dinner I headed to Charlottesville to do The Southern. Which I have not done in about three weeks.

I get there and go to the bartender Angel since it is her last night. She gives me a big hug and we talk about my dad a bit. She hadn’t known that he had passed, and she said some really nice things. I get to see Chris, and Paige as well. We catch up about their weekends. I get to see so many of my friends I haven’t seen in forever. I get a hug from Luzader, Colby, and Keaton. I thank Keaton, and his fiancee Meredith for the meal they sent.

There is an actual crowd and a handful of new comics for this show. I am there purely to get a good recording of my set about Dad. I have my camera set up and with the crowd I think it is going to be awesome. Chris reads the lineup and I am 7th. He told me I could go a little long to work it out.

The show starts and everybody is bombing. I mean the crowd is weird. Chris had a good hosting set, but everybody after him is just bomb after bomb. The first person who does well is up fifth. His name is Sam and he brought half of the crowd. He did well, but still not how you’d expect from someone who brought the audience.

Chris comes to me and is like you have to do well. So I decide to do some old stuff to set up the dad material. I go up and I start kind of slow, but end the old section pretty well. I then just go into the dad stuff, and the crowd is still weird, but it is all working. There is a flow to it, and it really feels like I am building something special. I am not super happy with the recording so I will have to do it again, but honestly I added so much that I need to sit down and just write all of this out. I have about 20 minutes of stuff about my dad, and I need to do it all. I’d still give this set a B+ or A- just due to how well I did compared to the rest of the show, and for the source material.

The rest of the show goes ok. No one really kills, and a few people did ok. A dude comes out and talks to me about my set for like 15 minutes. He said he lost someone close and it was inspiring for him to see someone do real honest material about it. The best part was he said it was also funny. It was the push I needed. Hearing that stuff after the sets makes me realize I am doing the right thing by working it out.

I went back in to watch the rest of the ok show but I honestly just enjoyed being able to hang out and see my friends. I missed them all so much. I know I missed some people who were there, and if I did I'm sorry, but you guys made my night. After the show I hung out and said goodbye and talked about dad some and then headed home to pass out before work tomorrow.

6/26

It was time for a four show night. I haven’t gotten to do this in ages. It feels like a millennia since I did this. I was ready to go!

The first set of the night was at Canon and Draw. Which is Melissa Harris’ show, but it is being hosted by Kate Carroll. The showcase portion featured Mu Cuzzo, Laure and Brandon Beswick. They all had solid sets.

I went first on the open mic and had a solid set. I did some dad material and worked out some other new as well. Some of it didn’t work, but for the most part I had a good one. I felt like I connected to the crowd and had a solid set. I’d give it a B-. After my set I left

I went over to Emilio’s which is now hosted by Rico Harvey. This show was brutal. There was a drunk comic rapping on stage, and none of the patrons paying attention. I asked to go up next so I can hit my next show, and I go up and bomb my ass off.

I’d give this set an F. I bombed. Nothing worked. The dad stuff was too dark and they hated it. I didn’t even feel like a comic. I felt like an idiot, and this felt like a waste of time. It was humbling and we all need those sets. I say thank you and headed downtown.

I headed straight to Honey Whyte’s. This is the new showcase downtown that my friend Stella Naulo started. She is new to comedy, but she got a dope show and a dope venue. I am super proud of her. I walk in and there is a dope crowd and everyone is laughing. Brandon was on stage killing, and I was next to go up.

I talk to some friend’s including Anthony, Anne Meng, Stella, Tom Hall, and more. We catch up about my dad and how I had been doing. It was nice, but I needed to get in the headspace to perform. So I get my set ready.

Stella goes up and brings me up. I go up and have a pretty hot set. I feel really good about it. I am killing for parts, but I lost them with some dad stuff. I bring it back, but I struggled to find a way to close out my set. I go to do a final joke and three girls are incredibly loud. I don’t interrupt them I just bail and do one other last joke. It goes well, and I get off. Honestly it was a strong set, but I know I could have done better. I’d give it a solid B.

Then it is time to go a few blocks away to do McCormacks. The last show of the night. I go inside and say hi to Jarvis. I talk to a few other people and it is nice to catch up. This was a super fun hang. I was really enjoying it. There are a lot of new comics I haven’t seen before.

Jarvis does the list and I am up 3rd. I am ready for it because I am exhausted. This has been a super draining week for me, and a super long night. I got 4 sets in, and I felt like I was getting back in my rhythm.

The first two comics go and they do ok. They get some good pops, and it honestly seems like this is going to be a fun night. I get brought up and I do about 7 minutes. I do a couple minutes of newer stuff, and then jump into the dad stuff. I get some good responses and some nice laughs. It feels really good and I am proud of it. I’d give this set a B as well. I get off stage. Say hi to Paige for a bit, and then head out asap.

It feels good to be done, but also this day reminded me of how amazing comedy can be. So many highs and lows. I just want to keep making my dad proud, and working my ass off every day is how I am going to do it.

6/27

I didn’t do any shows tonight. I had tickets to see Weird Al Yankovic with Paige and Kenn. We met up for dinner at Northside Grill after I had work and therapy.

We had a nice dinner, and then headed over to the show. We had amazing tickets. The show honestly was exactly what I needed. It was crazy fun. I forgot how much I liked Weird Al and he had a 50 piece orchestra backing him. It was one of the most fun shows I have ever been to.

After the show we had VIP passes so we got to meet, and take a picture with him. We also go a poster and a piece of sheet music. I got him to sign the poster, and talked to him about my dad for a bit, and he is a genuinely nice guy. It was one of the best concerts and days I’d had in a long time. After the show I headed home and passed out. I had a big fun show tomorrow, and it is almost my summer break. I am ready for it!

OOOOOO WEEEEE I AM ALMOST THERE. I’m not caught up yet, but I got tired of being so behind without any posts. So here it is. The next 10 or so days will be up by Wednesday. Love you laydees very much, and thanks for the support!!! xoxoxo

#comedy #jokes #standup #love #grief #loss #hilarious #improv

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perrentes-ptv · 6 years ago

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Prompt: do you think you can do a dandy one based off the song "we dont talk anymore"? (not very emo lmao i know) where they break up and months later one of them is in a new relationship but theyre both not happy about it and they get back in touch and eventually get back together? sorry if this was confusing but thank you (: xx

Title: The apple of my eye also the worm inside

Pairing: Dandy (David Escamilla/Andy Leo)

Song: Lover Letter - Mark Johns

ADDED: (hi i missed ya) and quick plot idea (is how you say it) can you do a dandy one where they get into a fight and david goes all crazy after and comes back to andy but when andy almost leaves he shows him how much he loves him and stuff (i thought of this while listening to no more bad days by this wild life)

ADDED: HEY!! can you do a dandy fluff where andy gets really depressed and he thinks dave dislikes him, and dave shows him he loves him and stuff?

ADDED: can you please please please write a smut between two of the guys from CTE it can be whoever you choose but please

WARNING CONTAINS: M/M, brake-up, Make-up, talk about therapy, light smut, If you do not like this prompt or pairing, do not read it! It’s not hard

A/N: almost 3K; love this ship so damn much and I miss David he’s not gone i just miss him in CTE and i put one of my other fav band here.

"I'm not fucking cheating on you, stop asking!"

"Then way are you so damn defensive?"

"I don't know Andy, maybe the fact that your always accusing me of shit I haven't done how fo you think that makes me feel, on a daily bases?"

"I don't-"

"Like honestly Andy, do you trust me at all?"

"Yes but-"

"There shouldn't be a 'but and' if you actually trusted me. You make me feel like shit."

Andy and David stared at each other not saying a word for a moment.

Andy, broke the silence, "You make me feel like a fucking jackass most of the time, you're right maybe I don't trust you anymore since, Allison."

"Then I can't fucking be with you then, i'm so sick and tired of you throwing that in my face for everything."

"Then fucking go."

"Fine!"

The door slammed as David walked out of their apartment.

*One month later*

"Man, the sleep person and couch potato got nothing on you, Andy, can I call the Guinness world record about you?"

"Sure."

"You wanna get food with me this time?

"No." Andy said.

Brandon sighed and laid back down on Andy's bed. It's been a couple days since he was here and although it doesn't look like Andy moved he does have different clothes on so he is happy that his friend at least change maybe even showered.

Brandon Didn't exactly like the situation his best friend just broke up with boyfriend who is also his friends. Brandon honestly felt Andy deserves time considering they've been together for four years except that mishap two years ago but even then they didn't break up just split for like a week and then got back together.

Andy barely left their apartment. He ordered food, pet Rose their adopted gray pitbull, and listen to music.

David was crashing on Tree's place for about two weeks then he moved to Paul's couch for another two weeks but then he came back to Hayden yesterday. From what Hayden told Brandon he did shit still going to jam, eating talking with people, but definitely angry and sad profusely and smoke a lot.

Hayden, Brandon, and Brent, Definitely want that worried, for starters David still has the majority of the stuff in their apartment. Andy is not exactly making a fuss to get rid of it he felt that if he did it would be honestly over.

"Andy?"

"Yea?"

"I think you should go on a date with this guy I wanna set with you." Brandon said not daring to look from his phone as he felt Andy move on the bed so he could look at his so-called best friend at the moment.

"What?"

"Not like romance or some shit, this dude, got dumped too but I know you- have you ever heard of a sadoff?" Brandon asked.

and he shook his head no, "basically sad people get together and they talk about how sad they are and some feel better, not 100% but like lighter like 'I know that shit happened to everybody but it's nice talking about it with somebody else that it is happening to at this exact moment with me' and if feels different because it's somebody else it's not family or friends. It's like you're sharing with someone in the group therapy or those anonymous meeting you just feel okay to share and it's happening to them at the moment, so it's not past experiences." Brandon explained, He had heard about this from somebody else he never experienced it but it does sound like something he would actually want to try for himself so he wanted to tell Andy.

Andy thought about it for moment, when he was younger yeah did it go therapy and it made him feel better but since then he hasn't gone. He know his families and friends were worried since he was actually doing anything just being sad. Even David's parents called him saying she still loved him and was worried about him, "Yea I wanna try that, and soon before I change my mind."

"okay man, I got you." Brandon smiled and hugged Andy, Andy hugged him back.

After two days since their conversation Andy was going out to a Mexican restaurant called Teotihuacan, Brandon said he was meeting someone called Victor. Andy got out of his car, walked over to the restaurant. He saw someone in a hoodie siting one the bench for looking at him.

"Victor?"

"Yea, Andy?" Victor stood up, And he could tell that the stewards definitely taller than him and possibly Brandon.

"Yea, hi." Andy said extending his right hand to shake Victor's hand. The whole thing was pretty awkward but once they were inside, they order their food, and waited at a table for the waitress to bring it to them.

"You ever done this before?"

"No, but seemed nice."

"Yea same here."

Neither men wanted to start but it had to be done so Victor talked first, "One of us has to talk first."

"Shoot yea so how long you and....." Andy waited for Victor to fill in the blank.

"Jeremy well Juno, we've been dating for like two years, been separated for like two weeks, not talking. You?"

"David, Dating for four, broke up about a month ago, not talking too."

"We're fighting about telling people, not really fans more of family there anything, honestly I thought in the beginning it was the whole interracial thing, but he said he doesn't care while we were yelling at other at the time."

"What do you do?" Andy said taking an interest in Victor's occupation hearing that he has fans too.

"Band, with some friends he is the clean singer, I'm the drummer."

"Nice I'm in a band too, and clean singer as well, Dave is our screamer. We're fighting about trust, basically me not trusting him." Andy shared happily, it made him feel better that he can relate to Victor more.

"Shit why?" Victor asked. They stop talking for a moment when the waitress brought their food they said thank you and continue talking.

"it's just always in the back of my mind, that he'll find somebody else; he can be with somebody else; he will be with somebody else. And it doesn't help that I was right once when he was with some girl, didn't do anything they were just kissing and naked but still."

"You forgave him?"

"Yea, but probably not since he told me while we were breaking up that I basically throw in his face all the time."

"so you didn't forgive him."

"I guess not."

"because if you honestly for gave him, you wouldn't care you wouldn't think about it, so it still hurts, have you guys really talked about it?

"Not really."

"Scared to brake up?"

Andy laughed at that, "It's ironic now." Andy really thought about it for moment he messed up. No wonder Dave broke up with him how you could be with like that, holding a grudge for two years and throwing it in your face. Andy would break up with himself if he could.

" so you're not down would be a secret?"

"No, man feels bad like i'm the fucking problem. Or a fucking disease, I wanna be with someone who doesn't make me feel like that but I love him. I was cool think it was the fans but since we got some popularity and both of our albums so far did well and the third one is still in the works. So I was thinking that maybe it's time but he said no. That's when I started to feel disgusting and started talking to him about and saying why 'why?' 'not?' 'the hell is your problem?' Then he finally tells me it's his family, that's when I got heartbroken I told my family already, I told them last year and I thought he did too because we talked about it and I found out he lied to my face about it and-." Victor stopped talking and wiped his eyes with the back of his hands.

"Your fantasy is shattered." Andy imported.

"Fucking destroyed more like, but I still want to be with him. But I can't make him tell his family I can't tell his family if he doesn't want to. So it's over, but I'm still keeping my stuff at his place, i'm hoping one of my friends could get it." Victor shared.

"He'll tell them." Andy said to reassure Victor.

"what makes you say that?"

"David kept his shit at our apartment and I haven't said anything since I don't want it to be over, I'm hoping he comes one day and we talk, but I'm also scared if we talk because then what happens if he finds out he likes being without me. Juno may tell them, he's scared as shit I bet and doesn't want to but if he didn't end things with you he is looking at the opinion to tell them."

"I think your right, I have to talk to him again and really talk not tell. David, will come back too, Andy. I think you have to talk about what happen even if it's been years."

"Yea I think so too and maybe therapy, I think I need to go back for myself."

"Shot man, congrats on wanting to go."

"Thanks and thanks for meeting for me it didn't suck."

"Yeah it didn't. Thanks for meeting me man, is it cool if I get your number I kinda wanna tell you the aftermath."

"Hell yea man, I wanna see how this story ends." The two men laughed as they finish their meal they continue talking about their music for a little bit but then decided that they needed to go home to think about their next move, they exchange numbers and say goodbye.

Once Andy got home he took care Rose, and started writing about what he wanted to say to David. What he hated about what happened, what if he fears, and what he wants to do from that point. It took him three days but he finally texted David.

To Dave: rose and I miss you. From Dave: I miss rose and you To Dave: come over? From Dave: today? To Dave: whenever you want to From Dave: I wanna come now To Dave: I'm here waitin From Dave: see you soon

Hayden didn't live far from their apartment but it's a surprise how fast David came over.

"Hey." David said once Andy open the door, once he saw David through the peephole.

"Hi, welcome to your own place." Andy said trying to Lighten the air around them letting Dave in.

David hugged Andy as soon as he was inside, Andy hugged back.

"Sorry missed you."

"It's okay I missed you too. Don't kiss me yet." Andy whispered. The couple lack of each other David went to go see Rose on the sofa.

Andy came over to him and set next Dave on the sofa as he was petting Rose, "Dave, I'm sorry for Power been treating you the past two years. And for always throwing in your face, for always accusing you of stuff you haven't done. I'm not over what happened with Allison, we never talked about it and I want to, I really want you to tell me why? Why did you do it?"

"I've been sitting on this for two years, and honestly I don't have a good reason still. I think I made it happen, because i've always dated girls and then I was dating you and I love you, but I think I made myself be with her to see if I would ever go back and it's stupid I know. I don't even know why I did it. I regret it so much that's why I told you what happened, but once you said we could forget about it I wanted to, I was so happy to forget something it. But then you brought it up but you said you didn't wanna talk about it still, but I still feel like shit every time and then two years of feeling like shit. And then you not trusting me is like me being with someone who stabs me." Andy grabed David's other hand, and intertwined their fingers together.

"I'm sorry, I made you feel that way I had no idea. I was selfish about it, taking out my insecurities on you too, and beating you with something that I lied to you and said that I got over when I didn't. I should've talk to you about it so wouldn't escalate into this. You know I have issues with myself and I guess I couldn't handle you loving me either. What regardless of that I shouldn't have attacked you with my issues, I am sorry David, I'm so sorry for making you feel this way, I never want to give you my problems." Andy said, David tired so his body was facing Andy on the sofa, their knees touching in such closeness.

"I'm sorry too, for cheating, and don't be sorry I told you I would be there for you, just like you say you were there for me but, we have to communicate better because honestly I don't want to take breaks from us I love us, I love you." At this point Andy and David were shedding some tears on how emotional this conversation was.

"I don't think I can, honestly it's not because I don't trust you because the fact of the matter is the fact that still want to be with you. If I didn't trust you I would be gone, honestly. I do trust you with me I just don't trust myself to know that you are good, that I picked someone good. I'm thinking of going back to therapy, for myself. I know I need you but you can't just be it. You shouldn't be the only one either." David brought Andy into a hug once again Andy resting his head on David's shoulder

"That's okay Andy, do what you need to I'll support you every step. I'm here I don't want to go any where, if it's not with you."

Andy laughed, "corny."

"You love it, you know you do."

"I love you."

"I love you, too. You can kiss me now." David, didn't had to be told twice to kiss the man he loves.

"Back together?"Andy asked once he pulled back from the kiss.

"Someone has to take you to therapy." Andy smiled that David's response.

The two of them spent the rest of the night in bed, cuddling. Just hold each other for the sake of holding each other.

*two weeks later~sexy time~*

David was back at his apartment with his boyfriend Andy, they thanked Brandon, Brent and Hayden for dealing with them. They bought their friends gifts and went over to their families to reassure them they were good now.

Victor and Juno worked things out. Juno did in fact told his family, and invited them to dinner at his and Victor's place. The older couple even went on a double date, with Andy and David. They had a amazing time together.

Andy has already gone to a session with his therapist. David helped him look for a good one for him. Andy plans and payed to meet with his therapist once a week for six months. Andy was concerned about when he goes back on tour this year, but his therapist reassured him by informing him that he could do online therapy as well with him, when he was on tour.

Andy and David hasn't had sex since they broke up, for the past two weeks they've been very cuddly but haven't gone farther then dry humping. At this point they were both ready to get back on that bed, so they did.

David took Andy's face in his hands and put it to his face and kissed him hard.

"Missed this miss you" Andy said.

David grabbed Andy harder and closer. Desperate and needy. Kissing him deeper. He pushed the Andy down on the bed onto his back. He was grabbing Andy nearly too tight almost as if Andy would disappear if he didn't held on tight. David's body pressed down on Andy's and David moaned in to his mouth as they kissed.

Andy knew David needed him and he needed him too. He missed David's hands running all over his body. Up under his shirt and down his thighs, over the bulge in his pants. David started unbuttoning their jeans and pulling them off and in return the younger man helped David unbuckle his belt and shirts. They were both laying in bed completely exposed to each other feeling secure in their own little world. David went down Andy's body pressing kisses along the way until he was at his legs and pushed in to him slowly while propping himself up with one arm to the bed.

Andy whimpered. "David.. Oh.."

Andy started moving his hips with David.

"Fuck.. Andy. Ahhh..."

David started moving quicker and he was close, "I'm sorry, baby,not lasting long her for you today." breathed out in-between thrusts. Andy grabbed on to David around his neck. Andy's breaths were short and quick and his eyes mostly shut tight but sometimes he looked at his lover.

Their breathing grew quicker and quicker and David's body vibrated with the deep moans. He pushed himself as far as he could in to Andy and moaned his name one last time before they both came at the same time. David got tissue from the side of the bed and clean them both up before laying down next to his boyfriend.

When they had both calmed down and their heartbeats slowed, Andy grabbed on to David tightly. I love you so much, Dave." he said and nestled in to the side of his lover's face. David held on to Andy and whispered sweet things to his boyfriend as they both fell asleep.

The Break up/make up End

Feel free to send me any request of any ship or pairing you want

#dandy #david/andy #dave escamilla #david escamilla #andy leo #andy velasquez #crown the empire #CTE #request #my post #prompt #one shot #fanfic #ship

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thebachrehash · 6 years ago

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I don’t mind being assertive, I’m a Wilhelmina model

Ladies and gents, it’s time for the prerequisite “Shout the Bach’s name from the balcony” intro. “Becaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!”

We immediately jump in with the always charming Chris Harrison handing out the first group date card reading, “Ready for my big day.”

Clay, Nick, Chris, David, Jean Blanc, Jordan, Connor, and Lincoln cheese grin their way to meet Becca at a mansion with her in a (gorg) white dress. She let’s them know that she wants to pamper the men like she was on her first date with Arie... because that went well. The men drop trou and Becca is officially ready to get back in the game. She calls Lincoln a block of muscle. Jordan, while doing the “pensive”, let’s her know that he is a male model, and that the largest tip he could give her any day is to put the confidence on in the morning before her panty hose. Not sure who’s wearing panty hose these days (besides my mom - hi, Kath!), but now we know.

The men roll out in their tuxes, to the poor man’s version of a Survivor obstacle course and are greeted by the poor man’s version of Ashton and Mila - Rachel and “not-Peter”, Bryan. They’re there to help host “Groomsday”, and they warn they will have to get dirtay.

In order to see if the men have what it takes to be marriage material, they will go through a strange obstacle course complete with standing in a cold tub of water and eating cake without their hands. Rachel (dirty, dirty girl) shouts it’s important to see, “what that mouth do.” Connor gets the largest kick out of it, as he sends it to Barstool.

Lincoln is in it to win it to reach his “beautiful princess” Becca. He is cheating. He is cheating blatantly. But, there are no rule keepers, this is the f’ing Bach. Well, there are no rule keepers except for tattle tale Chris who knows that he got in the bucket after him and left before him.

In a really messy battle for the finishline, Lincoln beats out Chicken David. He gets to plant a kiss on Becca and they take their wedding day picture. Seems innocent enough. If only it was.

Chris Harrison let’s them all know that EVERYONE will be able to attend the rest of the group date. Ya hear that Krystal.

So the men all convene at a round couch, and Lincoln steals his “wife” immediately as they “just got married”. He says something like, “she would only get the best from him when she gives her best and that makes them the best and he wants nothing more for her than the best.” Becca goes, “Hmmm, well that’s nice, I have something for you.” Thinking it’s the rose, Lincoln sits up all ready for Santa to come down the chimney. Instead, Becca brings a photo from their wedding day. It’s cute and Lincoln is very excited.

Lincoln returns to the men a smitten kitten and shares something about unicorns and Pegasus and a pot of gold, and prominently displays his prized possession, his photo of the two of them.

Connor is NOT having this. He thinks it’s a slap in the face that he would put this picture out. Bro, needs to chill a bit, but Lincoln is weird and being extra,

Meanwhile, Becca is bonding with the men.

Chris woos her in telling her that he wants to treat her the way he treats his mom and sister. David wants to be pushed intellectually and she couldn’t agree more. Clay is here for her and he wants her to get to know the real him.

Back at the couch, Lincoln is now kissing the picture of him and Becca. Connor throws it. Lincoln picks it up. Connor finally opens the door and frisbees it into the pool.

Lincoln, just a little dramatically, proclaims that his heart is broken. He starts to tear up, he was looking forward to sharing this with his mom. Picturegate has begun.

Back in the private lounge our Jean Blanc must be spraying some special, soothing scents onto Miss Becca. He lets her know that she is the missing part of his life and that she makes him feel so special. He takes all the courage from his ck one spritz, and tells her the only thing more beautiful than her smile is her lips. They smooch.

Before Becca can make it back to the other men, she is stopped by Lincoln. He lets her know that, not only did he lose his beloved picture, but he feels threatened physically. what.is.going.on

Becca pulls Connor aside on what has become a date in a pre-school. She is over it. She wonders if Connor is a roid-rager slash if this is his regular reaction. He agrees that it was way over the top. She said she’ll take some time to think about it, but it’s probably not the best time to get to know one another.

Becca gathers them all together and says it had definitely been an interesting and revealing night. Jean Blanc gets the group date rose. He tells her to pin it on the leather, “he don’t even care.” He’s so excited, it’s v. cute.

It’s time for Blake’s one on one date.

He’s pumped that he gets to roll out in a limo instead of on an ox. Small pleasures.

Becca fills him in that she has no idea what they’ll be doing as Chris Harrison planned this one. They get to the area that is a “little run down” and see Chris with a sledgehammer waiting for them. They’re asked to put on little work jumpers (Becca’s complete with a belt from Charming Charlie), helmets and Tims. Then, they’re both given their own sledgehammers.

They go inside and “TURN DOWN FOR WHAT?!”

This is where everything from Arie’s season went to die. Chris and, um what?!? Lil Jon let them know that they’re gonna get to destroy everything in the room. Immediately Becca climbs that racecar and smashes in the windows. This is FABULOUS.

Carrie Underwood would be proud.

I have zero idea why Lil Jon is there, but am so VERY happy that Blake is a “huge fan of his”. Sure you are Blakey boy.

The two of them proceed to make the whitest rap video ever, and Blake is so happy to see Becca so happy. I am cheese grinning my way through watching it.

Post wrecking crew, they sit down to dinner. They’re ridiculously comfortable with each other for just the first date. Blake shares his heartbreak over his most recent relationship where he thought he was with the one. In positive news, he said it was worth it, because now he knows what he wants, and knows that he is capable of loving like that. Becca empathizes. I am having a hard and fast therapy session with both of them. Through the pain, they have found so much strength that they never knew was in there. I’m not crying, you’re crying.

Blake clearly gets the rose, and states to the camera: “I have no idea how Arie let her go.” I love him.

It’s time for the second group date of the week... “Love comes at you hard and fast.”

Well it comes hard and fast, except for poor Jason and Mike who are the only dateless men of the week.

The men for Group date #2 (Alex, Christon, Colton, Garrett, John, Leo, Rickey, Ryan, Trent, and Wills), board a school bus and head to a gym where they are greeted with some fabulous, tyrannical child actors.

Becca, in her 24387948th metallic outfit of the season, informs that the men that they are going to be playing some good old-fashioned dodgeball. But first, these children will warm them up a la suicides (can we call them that anymore?!?) and pelting them with 70 mph dodgeballs; all while calling them TRASHHHHHH and somehow still making fun of Arie. These kids are amaze.

They get set for the game, and the team with Becca all make the wise choice to hide behind her. However, Christon don’t give a F and proceeds to belt Becca a number of times. Spoiler alert: this doesn’t work out well for him in the end.

The men and Becca then move on to skyzone, where they’re to play a large game of trampoline dodgeball in front of a v. confused crowd, Chris Harrison, and Fred Willard. Why tho?

Poor, pretty haired Leo is flying through the air and is in all his stuntman glory. However, the rest of his team, complete with a former pro football player, suck to high heavens. He is continually the only man left standing. After three rounds, the green team wins and gets a trophy.

In probably his only soundbite of the season, Alex snarkly asks if it’s cool to display the trophy to the pink team. Somewhere back at the ranch, Lincoln is crying again.

Becca gets her alone time with the men. Garrett and her dork out together, Leo gets a little romantical, and she compliments Wills style while he almost tears up talking about his parents’ 50th anniversary coming up. They share a kiss, and I think he kind’ve gave her his varsity jacket.

But, it wouldn’t be a group date without a bombshell.

Pretty boy Colton fesses up that he had a former relationship with Weiner, Arkansas Tia. Becca is visibly shook and doesn’t really know what to think. Did he come on the Bach hoping it would actually be Tia? Is he a fame whore? Is he a whore?

So many questions.

In the end, she gives the group date Rose to Wills and his uneven scruff. He’s happy, and Colton is nervous he’s gonna get the boot.

It’s time for the cocktail hour, and Becca is trying to not question what the f is wrong with all of these dudes. She said she’s a lot more emotional than she thought she would be.

Clay pulls her outside to show her how he would celebrate scoring a touchdown. Somehow he makes this boring, but he does score a kiss. Me, and all of America, can name at least 10 other tight ends we would rather see on this show right now. I’m looking at you, Gronk.

Venmo John pulls her aside and they make out. Connor puts his tail between his legs and gives her a picture of him. It breaks the ice and i think they’re cool now.

Chicken David is having what seems like a decently lovely conversation when Jordan decides it’s time to parade around in his undies and a pink furry blankie. Jordan interrupts and Becca is questioning Jordan. Is this a joke?

Post convo, Chicken David confronts Jordan and stutters when telling him he was being disingenuous. Jordan chooses this time to not only correct him, but to inform David that he’s the one being in-genuine-titty.

For the record, Jordan would also like everyone to know that he doesn’t want to be misrepresented as 007 all the time. He likes to live life on the edge, but while doing so he likes to have well kept hair. He’s multi-dimensional. He doesn’t mind being assertive, he is in FACT a Wilhelmina model. And he’d like to think he’d score a little higher than a typical male model on “that” test.

So, he wouldn’t light the cig at the gas station while sipping on his orange mocha frappuccino? You be the judge.

Before handing out the roses, Becca lets Colton know that she needs more clarity before getting to know him further. She has to think a bit. Colton is scared he’s going home. Obvs, he would NEVER, well not until we can get Tia to come on a date and make this some good tv.

At the rose ceremony we say good-bye to Alex (and that SUPER sad tearful good-bye), Christon (that’s what you get for pelting her with a dodgeball), Rickey and Trent.

Power Rankings

1 - Blake (+2) - Solid connection, I heart him

2 - Wills (+2) - There’s something there... he’s chill, and a fab dresser

3 - Garrett (-2) - Dropping for air time and his scandalous likes on the gram

4 - Jean Blanc (+9) - Coming in hot and smelling good too

5 - Chris (+10) - Coming back hot from being the tattle tale in Episode 1

6 - Leo (+6) - Thiiiiis close to getting the group date rose this week

7 - Colton (-5) - Bringing the drama with the Tia card, and yet still having a v-card? There’s no way he’s going anywhere soon.

8 - Jason (+1) - No date, but played it calm and cool

9 - Lincoln (-3) - I mean, they got married, but I want him to go

10 - Jordan (+1) - Literally, NOTHING in common, but I’ll keep him for his confidence and commentary

11 - Clay (-4) - Yawning

12 - John (-2) - Cashed in on a make-out... I’m impressed

13 - David (-5) - He’s geeky, but trying

14 - Mike (+5) - Tim Riggins is due for some time next week

15 - Connor (+1) - picturegate is over?!?!

16 - Nick (+5) - Hanging in the background

17 - Ryan (-) - Get your banjo out and play it man!

#bachelorette #thebachelorette #becca #beccakufrin #chrisharrison #bachelorabc #bacheloretteabc

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brittanyyoungblog · 4 years ago

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The True Story of How I Became a Sex Educator and Researcher

Official Bio of Dr. Justin J. Lehmiller

Unofficial Bio of Dr. Justin J. Lehmiller

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