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a-rat-who-writes · 1 year ago

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Cove's Alphabet SFW

The safe-for-work version of Cove Holden's Alphabet is finally here! Enjoy my lovelies. (Took so much longer to write because it has over double the word count than the NSFW one <3) ALSO! This version is for all genders, so if you find something that is tailored specifically to a woman or male, lmk and I'll correct it :)

A = Affection (How affectionate are they? How do they show affection?) Cove loves to hold your hand and do the little thumb thing where he rubs it against the side of your hand. He often holds your hand whenever you two are around each other, no matter the circumstance. You two are walking to a beach? He’ll hold your hand. He’s kissing you? He reaches for your hand. It’s a little intimate act that doesn’t make him embarrassed, and it means a lot to be able to stay within arms reach of you at all times. He also has a thing for placing his lips somewhere where you did or eating a portion of food where you also ate part of it. For example, if you two are out on a little date night and you both get different desserts, he will ask to try whatever dessert you’re eating only because he likes the idea of indirectly kissing like this. If you offer him any food, he will almost always put his mouth not directly, but on half of the area you already bit out of rather than on the opposite side of the food, like a sandwich.

B = Best friend (What would they be like as a best friend? How would the friendship start?) You two met when you both were very young, obviously, and you two bonded more over how Cove didn’t know how to deal with his trauma with his family's divorce and moving to a new place. If we are sticking with this idea, he grew fond of you very quickly because you were the first person he met in Sunset Bird, and you always tried your best to include him in different activities or to spend one-on-one time with him to learn about his interests; he naturally also began doing that with you too! If we are wanting to be a bit annoying and say you two really became friends in step 2 or 3, he already knew you since he often saw you when he went to the beach and because you lived right across the street. He made small gestures like offering you a drink (A Caprisun or something) and you would accept it. Or.. he would ask you something about school since you two went to the same one, like: "MC, um… do you happen to know how to solve for x?" or "I’m stuck on my fourth quote. Can you help me find something to use? I looked so many times, but nothing fits with my topic sentence." Of course, you would always help him because you either had no clue yourself or because you were better at the subject he asked about, which allowed you two to bond more often. When helping him with something, he always got sidetracked by pointing something out about your room or telling you something that went on in his day and wanting your opinion about it. Regardless of when you both became friends, he always had little inside jokes with you, and you both often wore them out too quickly, or he would always tell you random facts he learned about the sea, like: "Did you know jellyfish are just floating blobs and they don’t think?" or: "The male seahorse actually gives birth instead of the female one, so do you think that means they still have the same lower regions like humans or do you think it’s swapped?" Regardless, there is always something stewing in Cove’s mind that he is more than happy to ask you about.

C = Cuddles (Do they like to cuddle? How would they cuddle?) Cove is an absolute sucker for cuddling—just not in his bed. You two have cuddled on multiple occasions when you were both friends, such as when the two of you watched a movie together, he often sat next to you, and somehow you both ended up falling asleep, his head resting on yours. If the two of you are dating, he often gets too flustered to sleep next to you in his bed because he can get very flustered when being absolutely alone with you and in such intimate proximity. He often lets you cuddle him when the two of you are just relaxing at his house on a couch, or if he is exhausted from his work shift, he will make a beeline for your house after work and rest his head on your lap while mindlessly telling you about the random shenanigans of his work day. (Bonus points if you put Cove’s front hair into a ponytail or if you just thread your fingers through his hair, which often makes him blush due to how good it feels.)

D = Domestic (Do they want to settle down? How are they at cooking and cleaning?) At some point, he wouldn’t be against moving in regardless of you two being friends, dating, or engaged. He won’t ever tell you he is a bit of a messy person, and you will find out the exact day you move in that he is a little bit of a slob. He doesn’t leave random dishes around, but he has random shirts strewn across his room, and sometimes he’ll leave dishes unwashed for days, but he eventually gets to doing it. He also barely uses his closet. He often just picks out shirts and pants from the basket he threw them in after washing his clothes, rather than putting them away like a civil human being. (You’ll just have to deal with the sand problem because somehow, regardless of whether he was going swimming that day, he tracks sand into the main entryway.) He also cannot cook for shit, but he can prepare miscellaneous foods that his mom taught him to cook, like chicken or tacos. His cooking abilities are very limited, but if there is a food you really enjoy, he will take the time while you are out to figure out how to cook it and eventually master it and cook it for you one night to impress you.

E = Ending (If they had to break up with their partner, how would they do it?) Cove would always try to fix any problems between you two, but if things just became too much to bear, i.e: you constantly cheating on him or you doing something he’s told you make him uncomfortable too many times, he will find a way regardless of what you did to be nice until the end. He would sit you down wherever you live and have a genuine calm conversation with you, and when it gets to the point where he has to say the five words (We need to break up), he begins to tear up himself. During the whole conversation, he will hold your hand to try and comfort you, but really, it’s him coming to terms that it will be the last time he will be doing something like that with you or whoever he is breaking up with. After the conversation is done, which probably takes an hour and a half because he often beats around the bush, he will leave and beat himself up for the next couple of days before he gets over it.

F = Fiance(e) (How do they feel about commitment? How quick would they want to get married?) Cove would definitely love to make you his wife/partner/husband at some point after you two are somewhat stable. Depending on when you propose to him or he proposes to you (If step 3), he prefers to stay engaged to you for a couple years before marrying you, then wait a little while longer before having kids. If you have issues or you just prefer not to be married, Cove totally understands, and he is willing to treat you like his forever partner, even if you both aren’t engaged. Ideally, Cove would like to marry you on the spot because you have such a chokehold on him, but, realistically, you two get married when you canonically would, so around 24. Regardless of when you get engaged, he will wait a couple years or whenever you are ready to settle down.

G = Gentle (How gentle are they, both physically and emotionally?) More often than not, Cove is a gentle person over a rough one. Especially when the two of you are getting intimate, he will always stay really gentle—more so the first couple of times—but he will treat you with respect. Physically, he always tries to gently hold your hand or caress your cheek gently before you two kiss to make things not only more sensual but also more comfortable. Emotionally, he will often not directly address an issue between you two but instead hint at it, trying his best to not hurt your feelings, even if he is the one annoyed by whatever.

H = Hugs (Do they like hugs? How often do they do it? What are their hugs like?) Cove loves hugs. He isn’t an overhugger, but he won’t ever turn you down if you ask for one. Especially if he is sad about something, he will cling to you like a sloth to a tree, crying into your shoulder, because we all know he is a bit of a crybaby. (In the best way possible, of course.) He often goes under rather than over, so he can hold your waist and put his face down on your shoulder. If you are sad and need a hug, he will always tightly hold you (especially if you have sensory issues) and keep you pressed against him while gently rubbing circles with his palm into your back. If you two are being intimate, the first thing he will do after you two finish is hug you tightly, even if it was a quickie and you needed to leave ASAP.

I = I love you (How fast do they say the L-word?) He didn’t want to spring the three words on you too quickly in case you weren’t comfortable with admitting that to him yourself, so he waited, but also because he was a little nervous himself to admit he had such strong feelings for you. After 1 to 3 months, he will accidentally let it slip once. The very first time he said it to you was when you two were having a mini movie night at his house and the two of you were cuddled up on one of the main floor's couches, sharing a fleece blanket. At some point during the movie, you two end up kissing, and after he pulls away he rubs your cheek with his thumb gently and looks into your eyes before whispering under his breath: "God, I love you so much…". Your eyes almost popped out of your head when he said that, and when the words processed in his head, his hand that caressed your cheek instantly went to his mouth. You look a bit anxious yourself, reassuring him that it was adorable (Bonus points if this is when you also tell him you love him for the first time). You put your hands on either side of his head, sitting on your knees now, and you tell him how you are so glad he told you, and it means so much to you that he was finally able to say it. This makes you wonder, though: how many times before did he think about saying I love you in his head but never verbally?

J = Jealousy (How jealous do they get? What do they do when they’re jealous?) Cove is pretty good when it comes to jealousy, so he won’t ever get nervous when you have any guy or girl friends (Depending on your gender and your sexuality). He believes in loyalty and faith, so he puts his full trust in you, but when someone flirts with you and you play into it a little, whether you’re aware of it yourself or not, he will shift over to you and put a hand on your waist, or he will pull a: "How’re you feeling [insert pet name you enjoy], good, I hope?" and he gives you a kiss on the forehead. This is usually enough to shut whatever down, but if it isn't, he will begin glaring at whoever is flirting with you, and he will insert himself into whatever conversation, acting a bit passive-aggressive because whoever wasn’t taking the hint.

K = Kisses (What are their kisses like? Where do they like to kiss you? Where do they like to be kissed?) Usually, Cove gets nervous with PDA, so the kisses you share are often short and sweet, such as quick pecks on the lips or a few seconds, but he makes up for it by following up with a kiss on your cheek. When the two of you are alone, the kisses are usually more lengthy, and he likes giving you quiet praise after you two finish (exactly how he accidentally let ‘I love you’ slip because it was natural). He likes to be kissed anywhere, honestly. On his head, hand, arms, chest, stomach, and, if you’re feeling a bit risque, on his inner thighs. Every kiss you give him, he cherishes, regardless of the placement. He often likes to kiss your cheeks, forehead, and the back of your palm. If he is feeling a bit risque, then he likes to give you kisses on your ankles (Bonus points if you are wearing an anklet).

L = Little ones (How are they around children?) You’d think he would get flustered around kids, but he is surprisingly good with them because Derek would sometimes bring Nico and Jorge over to Cove’s place, or Cove would go over to help watch them. Derek showed Cove the different tactics Nico often pulled to get his way, and he made sure to tell Cove all the important details about children, such as how to entertain them and what things to keep away from them. Cove can often handle children, even when they do gross things such as pick their noses or poop in their diapers, which he often takes care of himself, and if you two choose to have a child, he will be the primary one to take care of that. If you two have children or adopt, he is definitely the type to cry when you point out how old they're getting, even if they are 2.

M = Morning (How are mornings spent with them?) Cove will often wake up a bit late, such as 10–11 am if he isn’t needed to go out anywhere, and he likes cuddling with you even while you both are awake in bed. He could spend a whole day just not getting out of bed and shifting positions with you in bed because he enjoys your warmth. If you are more of an early bird, he will often tighten his arms around your waist and keep you close to him, nuzzling his nose into the crease of your neck until you shake him off. If you two don’t spend the night together, you often go over to his house and wake him up by tugging at his hair, to which he will grab your hand and pull you closer to him if the two of you are dating. He won’t realize what he did at first, but when he does, he will get flustered and turn over, apologizing. He is slow to get out of bed and to brush his teeth, so his hair often goes unbrushed until after breakfast, unless you decide to brush it for him (Bonus points if you give him head kisses while you brush his hair).

N = Night (How are nights spent with them?) If you two are dating, he won’t bring up sleeping next to each other but instead ‘cuddle before you go home’. You don’t tell him, but you love it when he is so nervous about this because if he had just asked you directly, it wasn’t as if you’d turn him down anyway. He tries to stay up as late as you do, so if you go to sleep early, he will often watch a show or something while playing with your hair and giving you the occasional head kiss. He also loves nuzzling your nose when you’re sleepy, don’t ask him why, he just does. If you often stay up late, then he will try his best to stay by your side, whether he falls asleep in your bed or is sitting down beside your desk on the floor and falls asleep with his head against the seat of your chair. You will wake him up when you’re done, and he groggily gets up, clinging to you until you get in bed. Even if you need to change into pajamas, he will often just lend you his shirt, regardless of whether he has a spare, so you can lay down quicker with him. Or, if you need to brush your teeth, he will have his hands across your stomach and his head on top of yours / on your shoulder until you're done, and then he gets a little giddy when you tell him you’re done, laying down with him.

O = Open (When would they start revealing things about themselves? Do they say everything all at once or wait a while to reveal things slowly?) You two were friends before you both began dating, so you already knew a lot about him. If you ask him anything, he doesn’t mind telling you (especially if you ask him when you’re making/getting him a gift, he’ll pretend he has no idea why you’re asking him the question just to see your happy face when you give it to him). He isn’t a closed-off person; instead, he is more of an open book, but he is a bit nervous to tell you about what he likes intimately (Canon), but he will tell you in a quiet voice. Don’t ask him to repeat what he likes in intimate scenarios after he tells you once or twice in the same conversation because he will get too flustered and shut down. It’s a bit of a turn-on for him when you know all the little things about him, so he often mentions if he likes something mid-conversation if you two are on the topic about it.

P = Patience (How easily angered are they?) He is a pretty patient guy. Obviously, if you don’t understand something he doesn’t mind re-explaining it to you, and he actually finds it funny if you need something repeated more than twice. He is also patient when you get ready for dates if you’re the type to take over an hour to get ready. He enjoys sitting in the bathroom with you and watching you put on makeup (If you put it on) or style your hair / put it up. (If you do.) If you two are meeting up for a date, then he will wait all day for you, but how could you ever leave him waiting?

Q = Quizzes (How much would they remember about you? Do they remember every little detail you mention in passing, or do they kind of forget everything?) For Cove, it’s a mix of it all. There are weirdly specific things he memorizes about you, like if you don’t like a specific condiment or if you put your hair behind your ear / tie it up when you are looking down at something, but he can’t remember your favorite color some days. If you bring up a music artist you often listen to, he will silently remind himself to keep it in mind, and he will write it down on his phone’s notes app so he doesn’t forget. He won’t tell you, but it got to the point where his notes app had too long of a list, so he switched over to Google Docs, and he has over 3 pages worth of information about what you like/dislike and why. Things he specifically memorizes are physical stuff about you, like your favorite jewelry or how you like to dress. When the two of you go out and spend a day together or go on a date, he, for some reason, counts the number of different pieces of jewelry you wear (if you do), as if you’ll ask him at the end of the night.

R = Remember (What is their favorite moment in your relationship?) Every day with you is something special to Cove, so it would be hard for Cove to choose a specific moment, but back when you two were younger (Step 2) and you two went on that road trip, he’s really fond of the entire trip because he not only enjoyed the get-together and mix of your families, but he also likes that you specifically wear anklets for him now on because that was when you first found out he liked them. Despite him hitting his head on the top of the RV, he finds it funny now, and he can make fun of his little self for how flustered he was. (Bonus points if you tell him he isn’t any different currently.) (Bonus bonus points if you do something that makes him extremely flustered to prove your point.)

S = Security (How protective are they? How would they protect you? How would they like to be protected?) Typically, Cove would prefer to handle things with words rather than physically needing to deal with someone, so if someone were to badger you or annoy you, he would put his arm in front of you and be straightforward with a stern voice. Cove believes you can handle yourself for the most part, but he will always step in if you give him a glance or if you seem overwhelmed by someone. Typically, when Cove talks about something important, he beats around the bush a bit, but he won’t ever stand for someone disrespecting you. He will make sure you feel safe, and after everything is dealt with, he'll give you many kisses.

T = Try (How much effort would they put into dates, anniversaries, gifts, everyday tasks?) Cove is definitely dedicated to any and all relationships he was/is in, so no matter what, he will remember your birthday, the time you two had your first date, and your anniversary, making sure to give you something or take you somewhere on that day. Just as it is important to you, it’s important to Cove to celebrate the days you both start a new beginning with each other, even if it’s a small step like when you two first kissed. (A little HC is that on your birthday he had a small gift he gave to you when the two of you were alone, and it was an anklet in your favorite color.) If there is something you typically need as an everyday thing, such as a hug, compliment, kiss, or even simple good morning/goodnight texts, Cove will make sure to pick up on those habits and do them as much as possible.

U = Ugly (What would be some bad habits of theirs?) Canonically, Cove often wipes his hands on his shorts, so multiple of his shorts have tiny stains on them. Staying on the food topic, Cove definitely is also a bit of a messy eater, leaving crumbs around his lips and on his shorts/pants after a meal. (Bonus points if you wipe it off for him.) (Bonus, BONUS points if you wipe a condiment off the side of his mouth and then lick it off your finger.) Cove also gives off naive vibes, so if you lie about something such as, "Cove, did you know that if you sneeze with your eyes open, they’ll pop out of your head?" Cove at first didn’t believe you, but the more he thought about it, the more he freaked out about it, and he now makes sure to always close his eyes.

V = Vanity (How concerned are they with their looks?) For the most part, Cove is pretty laid-back about his appearance, but he always makes sure he is wearing matching clothes. Somehow he never wears matching socks, but that’s beside the point. Something that he is a bit more strict about is his hair, though. He can spend roughly 10 minutes just trying to make his hair sweep around his cheeks properly because the night before he slept on it funny. He groans when it doesn’t look normal in the mirror after the first initial brushes, and then he increasingly feels the need to make it perfect before his dad or you usher him out of the bathroom.

W = Whole (Would they feel incomplete without you?) Nope. Plain and simple, if he ever lost (as in died), he would never be able to forgive himself if he ever moved on from you, and he would spend the rest of his life indulging in the things you liked and weren’t able to do yet. On a less intense note, though, he doesn’t like to go more than a week without speaking to you, especially when he goes to visit his mom. As you are his childhood best friend, you are probably—no, definitely—the most important thing in his life, regardless of whether the two of you end up dating. He often spends a lot of his time just thinking about you, if not hanging out with or talking to you. He has a life outside of you with other friends and his parents, but a lot of his life is surrounded by you, and he wouldn’t have it any other way because you’ve made such an impact on him.

X = Xtra (A random headcanon for them.) Cove is the type to overload you with different memes and tiktoks. Even if the two of you are sitting next to each other, he will either text you a tiktok or send it to your account and watch your reaction. At the end of the day, if you don’t avidly keep up with his messages, you’ll end up with around 30 messages—if not more from Cove just consisting of tiktoks that are the ones that say ‘Us’ and then a picture, or a tiktok of a random fact if you are a girl, and ask "IS THIS TRUE???" and then send a tiktok of a girl peeling her skin off, explaining that she needs to shed her old skin on her period.

Y = Yuck (What are some things they wouldn’t like, either in general or in a partner?) Canonically, Cove dislikes people who often push back plans or don’t follow through with them, such as pushing a date back multiple times because you wanted to hang out with your friends. He also dislikes people who won’t accept help and who are adamant about not accepting any sort of gift from him. He is the type to spoil his partner, and if you won’t accept any of his gifts, that will often put him down and make him uneasy. Something else that would irk Cove, since he is a bit of a messy person, is if his partner was someone super strict about cleaning or organization and pushed their rules onto him, he would be reluctant to date you, knowing his habits would make you frustrated and him too.

Z = Zzz (What is a sleep habit of theirs?) Cove love, love, loves to cuddle when he finally gets comfortable sleeping in the same bed/area with you. He ideally likes to cuddle where the two of you are facing each other or where one of you has your head in the other's chest while holding each other. If he is having a rough day, he definitely sleeps on his stomach and tends to shift positions a lot at night. He also has a habit of quietly snoring if you two do a lot in the day or after the two of you were intimate. Don’t ask me why, but Cove definitely is a blanket hog, but after you wake him up to have him give you some of the blankets, he will sleepily and excessively apologize.

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whipitgod · 8 months ago

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Thinking About Birds

Hannibal lecter x Will Graham

oneshot - wc: 2.7k

summary: post fall hannigram, will wishes he had thought about all of the little things that come with living with hannibal, and hannibal tap dances on wills last nerve!

warnings: language, mentions of canon typical murder stuff, somewhat crack-ish while also being serious at parts, tooth rotting domestic sweetness

a/n: Thank you for the continued support you are all so amazing!!! per usual this was supposed to be shorter than it turned out but i just can’t help my self apparently lol. If you like this remember to leave a like/reblog! maybe even follow me :D! Happy reading!!

Will blinked awake slowly, shifting slightly to glance at the small digital clock on the nightstand; the numbers on the display reading 4:30. The red glow of the numbers feels almost taunting as he pauses to wonder what had even woken him up, he hasn't had a nightmare in months, at least not a real one. A thought crosses his mind that leaves a taste of bitter irony in his mouth, he hadn’t had a real nightmare since he had begun sharing a bed with Hannibal.

Will quells a laugh that bubbles up inside him and threatens to escape at the thought; the very cause of the nightmares that had plagued him for years, now being the thing that keeps them at bay. Will turns to look at where Hannibal sleeps, finding his side of the bed empty; Will can hear Hannibal clattering around in the bathroom in a failed attempt to be quiet so as to not wake the ex-profiler.

Will lets out a harsh breath through his nose in irritation as he hears what he believes to be, based on the sound of the bottle hitting the vanity in their shared bathroom, step 9 of Hannibal's outrageously long skincare routine. He reaches blindly for the lamp on the nightstand, making note of the fact that the sun has yet to even begin to rise. The lamp turns on with a soft click as he finally grabs ahold of the chain he had been reaching for, the room flooding with a warm yellow light that still manages to grate on Will's nerves.

He pushes himself up so he's sitting with his back against the ornately carved wooden headboard Hannibal had insisted on purchasing for their new shared bedroom, grumbling quietly to himself as he does, “Who the hell wakes up this early,” he swats at the nightstand in an attempt to find his phone, “and who needs a 15 step skincare routine,” finally managing to grasp his phone, but only after knocking a few of the random things he keeps piled on his nightstand, much to Hannibal's dismay, to the ground, “I mean jesus christ Hannibal, just get some damn botox.”

Almost as if summoned by Will’s quiet words of discontent, the door to the bathroom opens and Hannibal steps back out into the room, seeming shocked to have woken Will when he spots the younger man awake and reading something on his phone. The shock on the cannibal’s face stirs up another bout of irritation inside Will; why is he acting surprised? Hannibal's morning routine has woken Will more times than he can count in the few months that they had been living together in the small home. Hannibal makes slow strides over to the bed where Will is now looking at him with poorly masked annoyance, “I’m sorry if I woke you,” the man says, entirely too chipper and awake sounding for Will’s taste, “I was trying to be quiet.”

Will lets out a displeased huff at this, choosing to forgo a response. He spares Hannibal a short glance before focusing back on the article he had been reading on his phone, the older man sighs at this before moving to the closet to retrieve his clothes for the day. Will was glad the man’s fashion taste had become significantly more tame since they had settled into the home in argentina, he supposes it's probably due in part to Hannibal not having anywhere to get the clothes near where they’re staying, but Will wouldn’t put it past the man to have the clothes shipped in from somewhere else, and if anyone could find a tailor near where they reside it would be Hannibal.

Honestly Will isn’t a hundred percent sure why the change in Hannibal's choice in garment had occurred, Will is almost certain that he hadn't seen the cannibal wear a tie in the entire time they've been living together, let alone his previous daily attire of carefully tailored three piece suits. Hannibal now opting to wear a wardrobe of mostly linen, the flowy material good for staying cool in the warm environment they now reside in; Will supposes the temperature of the country they've been staying in might have something to do with the change, he would imagine that the humidity might make a polyester blend a bit impractical.

He watches the man dress as his thoughts unfold, he had never anticipated his life turning out this way, but he isn’t upset about it, even though sometimes he feels like he should be. The guilt that used to haunt his every waking moment now only graces him on rare occasions. He’s always able to stamp the guilt down as quickly as it arrives now with a silent acknowledgement that his guilt will not purify him; guilt does not make you innocent. Is the man that sobs out apologies at his trial any less of a murderer than the man that doesnt?

He’s broken from his thoughts by the sound of Hannibal shutting the closet door with a gentle thud, the man pausing to look in the floor length mirror he had insisted on having in the room momentarily, the same mirror that Will had only agreed to have in the room so long as it was not facing the bed in any way. Seemingly satisfied with his appearance he turns and faces the bed where Will sits watching him.

When he spots the look Will is giving him his features soften slightly, “I’m going to make some coffee dear,” the pet names were also a new addition that had seemed to come with the shared house, “I will start on a light breakfast in an hour or so.”

Will meets his eyes then, offering a small smile despite the irritation of being woken up this early that still simmered gently within him, “I’ll be out in a bit.”

the response seems to satisfy the older man because he nods at this before leaving the room to begin making what is no doubt a very overly complicated pot of coffee. Will misses shitty coffee every once in a while, don't get him wrong the stuff Hannibal makes is amazing, but Will still occasionally craves the bitter watered down coffee that you’d find in small diners and gas stations. Hannibal would probably have an aneurysm if he were to catch Will drinking the stuff now, he muses silently, the thought causing a small huff of laughter to escape him before he can stop it.

There were a lot of things that Will hadn't considered when he had thrown them over the cliff. He wasn't trying to kill them, at least he doesn't think he was, he honestly still wasn’t quite sure what his plan was when he had pulled Hannibal into the water with him. He doesn't dwell on this line of thinking for long, choosing not to rehash an internal conversation that he’s had on many occasions in the months they had been living in the home together.

Will hadn't really considered what it would be like to live with the cannibal before he had plunged them into that freezing water; he finds himself wishing that he had quite frequently though, especially when Hannibal wakes him up with the noise of his excessive morning routine.

Will had never really given much thought of what living with the cannibal would be like prior to their dive, at least not in any practical way. He had imagined what it would be like to wake up next to Hannibal, he’d found himself fantasizing frequently about drifting to sleep tangled with the man.

Funnily enough, his fantasies never included the way the cannibal lived his day to day life when Will wasn't present, they never included how Hannibal would go about mundane everyday tasks. He really wishes he had; he’s always known, at least on some level, that the man was eccentric and particular, he just hadn’t anticipated all of his quirks.

He regrets not considering all of the little things, like the man's obsession with his morning and night routines, or the way he mutters quietly to himself when he reads at night next to Will in bed, that one Will finds particularly frustrating; he remembers confronting Hannibal about it one night as they lied in bed one evening about a month into their stay. He lets out a soft puff of air as he recalls the memory.

-——————————

Will had been growing increasingly more and more frustrated with the sounds of Hannibal reading; prior to living with the man, he had considered reading to be an almost silent activity, yet here Hannibal was disproving that notion in a way that made Will want to tear the book from his hands.

Hannibal let out a please hum at what he was reading, drumming his fingers against the back cover of the book, “How interesting,” the sound of a page turning grated against Will's nerves and added to the growing irritation he had been feeling; Hannibal made a noise that sounded curious, continuing to drum his fingers against the back. Will wanted to stab him with one of the pens that sat on his cluttered nightstand. Hannibal let out another pleased noise, this one sounding satisfied like he satiated the momentary curiosity that had occurred from the last page before muttering a soft, “Very interesting.”

Will was gonna strangle him. He had never been able to find the strength to go through with it but he reasons he had never had to sit and listen to Hannibal read while he was trying to fall asleep next to him. The sound of another page turning doing nothing to calm the frustration bubbling up inside him; he doesn’t often allow himself to indulge in the fantasies of killing the irritating man but every once in a while Hannibal will do something that annoys Will to the point where he no longer feels any guilt about picturing the man's demise. Hannibal lets out another inquisitive noise and Will fights the urge to reach over and punch him, he’s too angry to even want to kill him at this point, he just wants to get one good lick in.

Hannibal breaths out a contented noise before muttering again, “Very, very interesting.” Will sits up with a speed he didn't know he was capable of, Hannibal jumping slightly as he had assumed the younger man was asleep. Hannibal had never been a very expressive man but in that moment as he stares at a borderline manic looking Will, his expression is that of a deer in headlights.

“Reading is a silent activity!” It comes out as more of a yell than he had intended but Will finds it hard to care, all of the anger that has been steadily building for the last hour reaching a boiling point, “How interesting can a book about-” Will stops quickly, eyes scanning over the cover of the book in Hannibal's hands before letting out a laugh that bordered on hysterical. Will finally noticing that the other man had been reading a book about the migration patterns of different birds in the region; not even attempting to finish the sentence he had started he plows on, “are you fucking kidding me?!”

Hannibal chose not to say anything, his expression now contrite as he closes the book with a soft thud, setting it gently down onto his lap not breaking eye contact with Will, a little afraid that the man might lunge at him if he looks away.

The fight leaves Will almost immediately, huffing out an exacerbated, “un-fucking-believable.” before laying back down with more aggression than Hannibal had thought possible. It’s quiet for a couple minutes, save for the sound of Will’s agitated breathing and the occasional disgruntled mutters emanating from where Will lays facing away from Hannibal. The cannibal can’t pick up on everything that Will is grumbling, the quiet words of anger somewhat muffled against his pillow but he picks up on some of it; a quiet disbelieving, “fucking birds.” Hannibal misses the rest of what he says but the cannibal understands the message, finally moving to set the book on the nightstand. The older man sits motionless for a few moments after setting the book down until Will snaps out an angered, “Go the hell to bed Hannibal.”

Normally Hannibal would push back, abhorring the rudeness of Will’s statement but in that moment he decides not to argue with the empath; He decides to simply flick off the lamp and lay down against his pillow. He reaches out to pull Will to his chest but as soon as Will feels the man's hand touching his arm he lets out a harsh, “Don’t.”

Hannibal feeling properly scolded in a way that he had rarely felt before decides not to make things worse by pushing, he rolls onto his back and drifts off to the sound of Will’s breath evening out as he finally falls asleep.

————————————

Will is pulled out of the memory by the sound of hannibal calling his name announcing that the coffee was done; He isn't quite sure how long he had been sat there thinking about that night but given how long it takes Hannibal to make coffee with the ridiculous contraption he insists on using Will would wager that its been at least twenty minutes; Will had suggested buying a keurig one morning and he swears to this day that the cannibals eye had started twitching, Will had conceding quickly, worried that the knife Hannibal was using to make breakfast might find its way into his stomach.

Standing up from the bed with a sigh as he stretches his sore muscles; He’s had a back ache since they had taken their tumble, having been on the bottom when they hit the water his back had taken a majority of the damage, the raging water unforgiving as they crashed into it.

Stretching his back one more time with a pained groan, he strides leisurely out of the bedroom and into the kitchen where Hannibal was sat reading something on his tablet, the older man looking up to greet him as he crosses the threshold into the room, “Good morning dear,” Hannibal gestures to the second mug sitting on the table, “I already poured you a cup.” Will offers him a soft smile in return, pulling out the chair closest to the other man before sitting down and pulling the mug towards him.

They sit in a comfortable silence for a bit, the only sounds between them being the gentle clank of mugs being picked up and sat down as they drink their coffee, the domesticity of the act never failing to stir up complicated emotions in will; the empath had never considered how much hannibal would behave like a housewife once they had began living together.

He stares at the Hannibal while he gets lost in thought, his mind filled with memories of multiple events that had taken place in the last couple weeks alone; Some of Hannibal’s behavior and habits seemed more fitting for a forty year old suburban housewife, not a serial killer with a penchant for cannibalism. This thought makes him let out a small chuckle, Hannibal's head snapping towards him at the sound. Hannibal gives an inquisitive hum, his gaze expectant as he locks eyes with Will; Will simply waves a hand at the man's curiosity, deciding to take another sip of his coffee instead of responding.

Will startles at the realization of how domestic they've become, from their frequent bickering to their habit of sitting in comfortable silences simply enjoying the others presence. This realization doesn't scare him the way he thinks it should; something about it feels right, like this is just what was supposed to happen. Will can't help but let out another laugh at the thought, the idea of this outcome being fated is humorous to him in ways he can't quite pinpoint.

At the noise Hannibal looks at him again, watching him for a moment before asking a gentle, “Is something funny?” In response to the question Will gives a gentle shake of his head, a small smile playing on his lips. Hannibal quirks a brow at his reaction, before speaking again, “It sure seems like something is funny,” he sets his tablet down, giving his full attention to Will, “Care to share?”

the empath huffs out another gentle laugh, he shakes his head softly once more before answering, “I’ve just been thinking about birds.”

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packingpest · 1 year ago

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Making this post from the hearts of me and my friends and their friends who like Rhythm Heaven here on Tumblr and Instagram

TANGOTRONIC FANS SHUT UP.

NOT EVERYTHING IS ABOUT THEM.

I HAVE TALKED TO A LOT OF RHYTHM HEAVEN FANS IN MY TIME, SOME GREAT AND SOME QUESTIONABLE. BUT YOU TANGOTRONIC FANS.

NEED TO BE PUT.

ON A LEASH.

I WAS FRIENDS WITH ONE ON INSTAGRAM. All they ever dmed me?

"YOU WANNA SEE THIS TANGOTRONIC ART?"

"*SENDS RANDOM FANARTS ANYWAY*"

"WANNA SEE THIS TANGOTRONIC STORY?"

"WANNA HEAR ABOUT TANGOTRONIC?"

NO WE DON'T.

IT WAS GREAT THE FIRST WEEK. OKAY THE NEXT. THEN I GOT TIRED. AND NOW I SEE MY FRIENDS GETTING BOTHERED TO HELL? WE ARE TIRED OF IT. If it was just me I could live but the fact it's not just this one person to me, it's multiple people to everyone.

I like Tangotronic3000 as much as the next guy, but YOU PEOPLE ARE TOO INCONSIDERATE. YOU SPAM THE FEEDS AND DMS WITH SO MUCH. I COULD BE HAVING THE WORST DAY EVER AND I CHECK MY ONLY DM TO SEE "HEY LOOK AT THIS TANGOTRONIC HEADCANON" SHUT. UP. AND STOP SPAMMING THE FUCKING ASK BOXES WITH IT.

IT'S NOT BECAUSE OF TANGOTRONIC EITHER, ITS JUST THAT EVERY TIME ANY OF YALL SPEAK ITS ABOUT TANGOTRONIC. NOT A HI, NOT A HELLO, FUCK, I BET YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW MY NAME OTHER THAN PACKINGPESTS. IT'S NICE IN MODERATION, BUT NOT EVERY FIVE SECONDS.

I leave them on read so many times for so long to no avail. I wake up to a tangotronic message. STOP IT. PLEASE. ALMOST EVERY RHYTHM HEAVEN MUTUAL OF MINE I'M CLOSE WITH IS SOMEWHERE BOTHERED (I have about 8, some ive actively had rant to me about them and a few ive just seen mention it once so far [Across a few platforms]). I have some that are just like, "Ehh, yeah it's annoying, but let them do what they want," then on the other side I have someone sending me "GOD FUCKING DAMNIT ALL MY FEED IS IS STOLEN TANGOTRONIC ART." Me personally I am at a 7 out of 10 on the annoyed scale.

Stop making everything about your niche game. I love talking about manzai birds or packing pests or munchy monk, but I don't make it a life style, and I especially wouldn't make it a lifestyle 1 to 1. An account about it? Sure, whatever, but god please make a group chat for y'all, you have each other to talk to who actually want to 24/7 eat sleep breathe tangotronic, some of us don't. Some of us don't have the heart to tell you, but thank God that ain't me. I've already blocked a few, but some remain, so if you see this, take fucking note.

CALM. THE FUCK. DOWN.

This was posted as of them being rabid and off the leash, if they are now, then hallelujah

This post is made up of 80% the rage of my friend Curtis who is at like a 11/10 in Tangotronic hatred and I didn't want him to feel like the only one so if you got a problem with it you fight me not him I love arguing

#tangotronic 3000 #rant post #SHUT UP TANGOTRONIC FANS EVERYONE I KNOW HATES TANGOTRONIC BC OF YALL INCLUDING ME #rhythm heaven

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solar-bean · 1 year ago

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As an undiagnosed autistic I LOVE talking about my random interests with people and vice versa. So here's what I think the Touchstarved LIs random interests are 😊

Kuras:

Astronomy/ Astrology

assuming that he really is an ancient Angel he probably had a hand in or watched the universe being made so it still fascinates him how it has developed over the centuries

especially what humans have discovered about it

also the meanings they've given to constellations and other parts of the cosmos in tradition and folklore

it's all intriguing and quite amusing to him

he knows all the LIs zodiac signs as well as his regular patients

would sneer and say ' of course you're a Leo ' without any other context and just walk away in that swift angelic manor that he does

has a vintage telescope that he refuses to replace

if you indulge him long enough and let him ramble on about stars he'll stop and be like ' Wait I could just show you'

hope you're not afraid of heights

Leander:

Plants

especially the poisonous kind

he finds them poetic in a sense because of Co he does

like to have a small journal about them and wishes eridia had more nature for him to explore and document

sketches flowers when he has free time and might even color them

he's not the most skilled artist but he good at drawing plant life because he's done it so often

knows the meaning of plants and makes/ buys bouquets accordingly

hints at how he really feels about the person he's giving a bouquet to

has given ones with negative meanings to people he didn't like but needed something from, he knew they wouldn't understand and would just be like "oh a bouquet how thoughtful" " yes this was made especially for you " *wink wink*

has admired the gardens of high town snobs him and his bloodhounds have raided interacted with ( he'll take a few home just because )

is learning how to make teas, medicine, poison and lotions from plants for the fun of it and to help others

wants to have a large garden one day

Mhin:

Fungus/ Mushrooms

they just think they're neat

like how could you not there's so many cool kinds of fungus

they adore that such life can grow from death

will rarely pick mushrooms because they want them to stay where they belong

doesn't want to separate them from their fungi families 🥺

really REALLY likes cool colored fungi that glow

I imagine magical fungi exists in their world so they get really excited when they find some in the wild

they go crazy for those really big mushrooms and will stare at them for hours if they could

has dreamed of sleeping on a mushroom many times like a little fairy but won't tell ANYONE ( ok except Kuras but they didn't mean to, got really embarrassed )

if you gift them a glowing magic mushroom to keep as a nightlight they'll act unfased at first but congratulations you're basically married now

Vere:

Gemstones

eyes dilate like a cat when he sees one

oooo shiny

has stolen found more than he's bought

has a mini hoard of stones stashed away somewhere in his room

he only shows it to people he really likes ( Ais and S/o )

Ais' earrings intrigues him

Ais noticed and took them off so he could see and was more than willing to talk about where he got them

Vere knew exactly what they were made of right away and wanted to tral them as his own to mess with Ais, but lost interest when Ais admitted he wouldn't mind

would lay on a giant pile of gemstones like a dragon's hoard in his full demon fox form if he had the means to ( would put his S/O in the pile too as one of his treasures )

he'll know exactly which gemstones look best on you for jewelry

Ais:

Animals

like alot of animal facts dude

he has a wide range of knowledge because he can't choose a favorite animal. he likes SO MANY

ranging from the scariest of predators on land and sea to the cutest little fellas ( sharks, tigers, bunnies, small birds, sparrows *hint hint*)

if you tell him what your favorite animal is expect to be randomly given little gifts based off of of it ( illustrations, mini figurines, plushies etc )

asked Vere alot of questions about his fox nature ( " does your coat change color in the winter?" " ...Ais I'm trying to get frisky stop asking weird shit" )

was the type of kid to bring strays home so you can imagine how happy he is about having a pack of soulless

he immediately knew which animal/animals they were all based on and knows how to interact with them accordingly

his love for animals kinda messes with his instincts like yeah I shouldn't pet that large predator but what if he's lonely like me 🥺

is totally fine with getting bit and scratched because he overstepped a boundary and will learn from it

I bet eridia's highborn snobs have captured exotic creatures for show so guess who's pulling up with his red eyed soulless gang for a jail break ( he'd give the creatures to a shelter that can relocate and take care of them )

wants to raise alot of pets with his S/o as they grow old. just one big happy family of strays they've taken in: wild soulless, escaped highborn pets, barn animals, alley cats, Vere, etc.

#touchstarved game #ais touchstarved #touchstarved vere #touchstarved ais #touchstarved mhin #touchstarved kuras #touchstarved leander #kuras #leander #mhin #vere #ais #touchstarved

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papermint-airplane · 9 months ago

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💚🌠📎💥 for Aiden :з

source

Oh wow! I've never seen that particular emoji ask post before but that is so detailed and amazing!!!

Ok let's do this. 😎

💚 GREEN HEART - what things make your oc feel comforted? hugs, kisses, food?

I feel like I've answered a question similar to this before but I can't remember what I said so this is going to be a test to see whether or not I can remain consistent with my own characters. It really depends on what upset him in the first place, I think. Sometimes, he wants to hunker down in a blanket fort, sometimes he wants you to rub his back and hold him, sometimes he wants to get lost in a few dozen surprisingly strong fruity cocktails. He probably tries the blanket fort first every time, though. There's few things a blanket fort can't fix.

☄️ COMET - what do people assume about them? are they right?

If you assume he's kind of an emotional mess, you're correct. I feel like that's less of an assumption than an observation, though. I think an assumption a lot of people make about Aiden is that he's weak. And, yeah, I get why you would think that because he's so fragile but somehow, some way, he always manages to put himself back together. Despite popular belief, he doesn't let his anxiety ruin him. He fights back against it. Just not always in the healthiest ways and not always in the most visible ways. The lil guy is tougher than you think!

📎 PAPERCLIP - a random fact.

Aiden is an animal lover! No matter what planet he finds himself on, he will manage to find an animal to love somewhere. Birds, reptiles, fish, mammals, hell, even insects in some cases. He just loves learning about them and watching them live.

💥 COLLISON - what emotions do they have trouble dealing with?

ALL OF THEM! 😭😭😭😭😭 I think the one he can never fully express, though, is anger. I think in a lot of ways, his anxiety is anger. He's angry at the world for hurting him, angry at himself for being hurt, angry at his own anger. But he was never allowed to be angry growing up so it just turns into fear and sadness. Maybe instead of trying to make him happy all the time, the right person would give him the space to be angry. Hmm. Worth thinking about. 🤔

#ask #answer #ask game #oc development #character ask #just simblr things #tangentially sims related #sim: aiden ayy

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piratefishmama · 1 year ago

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I got tagged in a questions thingy.

by: @w1ll0wtr33 thanks sweets!

1. Are you named after anyone?

Nope, my name was in fact a mistake made by a nurse! It was supposed to be a hyphenated combination of my first and middle name, but the person doing the birth certificate made an error.

2. when was the last time you cried?

Like… fully? Uhm. August? The day before my dad got out of the hospital I had a full blown panic attack cause I knew I’d be alone in taking care of his asshole self and wasn’t prepared to do that. There was crying involved in that.

3. do you have kids?

I would sooner rip my own uterus and womb out, Netflix Witcher style than have children.

Storytime: My mum once bought me a £75 stroller and doll, an this was years ago, like, single digits age range so that was EXPENSIVE for the time (fuck man, it’s expensive now lmao), I… left it out as far away from the house as I, at my age, could... in the rain. An it was all silk and satin material so it was well and truly fucked.

They stopped expecting eventual grandchildren from me very early on in my life.

4. What sports do you/have you play/played?

Does archery count? I feel like archery should count lmao I do archery, and I used to do ju-jitsu, I have medals somewhere for ju-jitsu, god knows where though my medals were never worth keeping track of apparently. My brother's are in his old room.

5. Do you use sarcasm?

Fluently.

6. what’s the first thing you notice about people?

That they’ve invaded my carefully curated alone time and thus have become my enemy.

7. what’s your eye colour?

Hazel, with more green than brown.

They're also my favourite eye colour too! there’s so many variations of it, do you have more green or brown in it? is there a ring of darker colour around your iris or not? Hazel has so many variations it’s such a pretty eye colour to have and it changes. Hazel eyes are magic.

8. scary movies or happy endings?

Thanks to my truly stellar vivid imagination and Childhood Trauma™️, I cannot watch scary movies. At least not ones that have plausibility. Like they could happen. Because for some reason, everytime I watch one of those, my brain ever so lovingly decides to recreate the movie in the form of a nightmare where all the starring cast are people I actually care about an I’m just. watching them all die.

It's never fun. And I can never escape it. Even waking up, if I go to sleep, I will go right back into that nightmare, there’s no escape.

9. any talents?

Many! i have ADHD and autism, I have so many random skills. The only one I can reliably do on command though is writing. I can draw, paint, sew, sing, dance, and many others… sometimes, but the only one I can reliably do without fail, is write.

10. where were you born?

Britain. You don’t get closer than that I ain’t about to dox myself.

11. what are your hobbies?

Writing, reading, video games, creating shit.

12. do you have any pets?

Hope and Shadow are my two dogs, you all know them by now I’m sure. I have a shitton of tropical fish in tanks both upstairs and down, I did have a very smol bird but I had to put him up for adoption as unfortunately he and Hope simply did not get along, she made him very anxious and he made her hungry for bird.

13. how tall are you?

I’m tiny, 4’11.

14. favourite subject in school?

English. I had a great teacher. It would have been art but unfortunately I hated my teacher, and my teacher hated me and that made the lessons very uncomfortable.

15. dream job?

I would love to work with animals. Animals are easier than people.

And no, i'm not tagging people.

#tag games #personal

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junebluues · 5 months ago

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When is your birthday?

What is your favorite book?

What is something you're insecure about?

What is your dream job?

What is a fact about you that nobody would believe?

What were your highs and lows for this last month?

Where is somewhere you'd like to visit?

How do you de-stress?

What are your favorite apps besides tumblr?

Describe yourself in one sentence.

What is something you're really good at?

What's a totally random and useless fact that you know?

What is your longest friendship?

How are you feeling right now?

Are you an early bird or a night owl?

Favorite song lyrics right now?

What does self care look like for you?

Describe yourself with 3 singers.

What makes you nervous?

What’s a pet peeve you have?

What will always make you cry?

What kind of first impression do you think you make on people?

Favorite color?

WOW thats a lot thanks starry!!!!

june 14th!

i don’t have one single favorite, but one of my favorites is the perks of being a wallflower!

i think it’s mostly my face/body hair. i’m naturally very hairy and i sort of had kind of a unibrow and a slight mustache as a kid even though i’m afab. it was very noticeable because i also have black hair. my teeth were also crooked before i got braces, and i used to wear glasses before i got corrective contacts. i’ve been insecure about my looks since i was a kid. i was a really weird kid and it didn’t help that i was “ugly” and all my friends weren’t. it kind of put me into a pattern of self-depreciation and loathing. my teeth are now fixed and i got laser hair removal done in most places, plus i no longer wear glasses. i was basically a weird kid who got a glow up.

well if we’re talking about pay not being a problem i’d say author or actor (either on stage or film, doesn’t matter) but if it’s being realistic… pharmacologist.

i used to be a gymnast.

i think one of my highs was the troupe hangout before school! one of my lows was when i got really really tired of socializing and separated myself from everyone and ghosted a lot of people.

i want to visit the philippines again! it’s my home country and i want to see my relatives.

um. i sing about it. that’s so theater kid of me but like… me belting is better to hear than me screaming.

i love pinterest and instagram! insta is me interacting with friends and silly videos. pinterest is fun pictures.

i’m the type of person who got way funnier after the fourth grade because of my issues…

i’m a good actor, i’d say? if my awards are anything to show for it…

the most stolen book is the bible.

um… i had this friend for six years but we’re kinda drifting apart. so other than that, two years.

i’m kinda nervous for auditions…

night owl. i like the night time because nobody can bother me, and nobody bothers to find me in the dark.

“you wouldn’t leave till we loved in the morning, you learned from movies how love ought to be. and you’d say you love me and look in my eyes, but i know through mine you were looking in yours.”

sitting alone in my room watching a video essay on one of my favorite movies, wrapped in a blanket hugging a stuffed toy while ignoring my messages.

in terms of lyrics maybe… laufey mitski and bo en?

auditions. not shows, not competitions, not recitals, auditions. they make me terrified because what if i accidentally suck and they don’t accept me? things where i only have one chance to show my skills.

when people bring up insecurities/things people can’t change when we’re like talking about things that happen to people at school… just. no. i’m all for getting the drama just. don’t bring up their tangled hair or the fact they live in a poor neighborhood. that’s not cool.

people bringing up the fact i can’t love people romantically, yet i almost always love other people more than i love myself (and more than they love me.) someone made a joke about that before and i nearly cried in front of them in the halls. i really want to love romantically. i can’t help it that i always give myself to people who don’t want me. thankfully i’m in a good qpr with someone who cares about me now and i’m grateful for them every day. <3

for some reason, some people think i’m scary to talk to!!! i don’t bite i’m very nice and laid back!!! people tell me i look really cool which is why they were scared, and i kind of appreciate that people think i look cool… like… screaming omg thank you… but other than that i think people usually think i’m pretty chill, funny, or caring!

yellow or purple!!!

thanks for this ask :333 hopefully i didn’t miss anything!

#asks #thanks for the ask!#sorry this was partially a vent LMAO

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throughtrialbyfire · 7 months ago

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HEEHOO GET ⭐⭐⭐

HEHEHEHHEE OKAY since u sent three i'll pick three scenes bc i love. rambling. okay.

this one is going to be a slight continuation of the answer here, as this scene is from chapter 16 and relates directly back! this got long (like, REALLY long), so i'm gonna put it under a readmore. i'll be putting my notes between the paragraphs of the scene!

He narrowed his gaze down at them. Athenath shrunk back. Looked away. Every word that fled from the Bosmer's lips burned their ears. His voice, low, sturdy as an oak, varnished by years of what must have been an adventurous life, to have such a charisma to his words, to himself, no matter who he spoke to or where he went- It made Athenath realize just how small their own life was in comparison.

[Athenath is the youngest of the trio, and Emeros is the eldest. this creates an interesting dynamic between them when they get into spats like this one, over something fairly serious and fairly personal. athenath feels small in this moment because after the fight (and athenath was left to cool off a bit), emeros came to check on them and directly asked them what was wrong, and told them that he needs to know what set them off since they're gonna be traveling together. the fact someone he fought with sought him out after and checked in, was calm, considerate, and still stern… it's not something athenath is used to, to put it lightly.]

A beat passed, maybe two. People milled about in the market square, and Heimskr cawed on with his sermon, a bird hopping around a bear trap and daring it to snap shut on him. [you know. talos worship and the white-gold concordat and all that *waves hand*] "Maybe."

Emeros hesitated, leaning back against the bench, the sun-warmed wood meeting his spine through his clothes. "I suppose that's a fair answer. Perhaps I'm just surprised, is all." "You shouldn't be," Athenath snorted, the tinge of a sneer against their mouth, "one of the first things we did after that dragon bullshit is go up to those stones. I chose Thief, remember?" "Is that what you are, then? A thief?" If they said yes, then what would he think? And if they said no, then would it be worse to lie? Would it be easier to swallow the concept of a one-off impulse, or to see him and what he was? To lay bare the fact of their less honorable profession, Bravil's dirt-caked streets a bittersweet memory that gave them these quick hands, this sharp tongue? Athenath didn't look to the other Mer, instead drawing their focus somewhere on the horizon as they said, "yeah. Sort of."

[athenath has never mentioned having been to, or spent lots of time in, bravil. he's always told his friends he's from anvil and leyawiin, because they KNOW what reputation the city of bravil has, and that he spent a good few years there and learned how to be a better thief… it's a lot. and it would be a lot to admit to all of this, especially in the middle of this whole situation. also, not being able to stand looking directly at emeros. to face the fact they hid something they stole in his belongings. that they did something wrong and wronged someone he's starting to care about. AUGH………….]

Emeros pulled his ankle over his knee and drummed his fingers along the side of his boot. He sat a moment, eyes avoiding the other now, as well, his breaths slow. Steady. Controlled. "Well." "Well." Athenath repeated. "I'm going to presume that this isn't a recent development?" "Nope." "Then why," he leaned forward, worry etched into the lines of his mouth, dimpling at his cheeks, "why did you hide this? If we had known, we could… We could have-" "What, stopped me?" Athenath scrunched up their face. "It's not like this was some random urge. I did this 'cause I wanted to, y'know." The further admissions of guilt alarmed both of them, in a way. Emeros tugged his cowl from his head, letting it drape loosely over his strong shoulders. He set his jaw, as though he were struggling with a potion he'd only been taught once many years ago by a mentor he'd rather ignore than heed, the evident confusion melting into his features, the lowering of his brow and the tension in his jaw and the burden of concern in his eyes. He shifted his torso to face the bard further. "While not an impulse, it was still dreadfully impulsive, Athenath. And hiding it among my belongings, I assure you, will not earn you any favor with me. Quite the opposite, in fact."

[haha, the conse's are quencing.]

Athenath grit their own jaw and rolled their eyes in a wide arc. Emeros caught every inch of the expressions they made. The Altmer was on a ledge in their mind, balling their fists. The smallest fragments of places, people, actions long-taken, long-gone, all of it bled into him now, here, worn and tired from the tension. The bard bounced his leg, boot making tiny tapping noises against the stone as he avoided Emeros' gaze. Wouldn't even look him in the face. "He sold it to a Justiciar. If I can keep even one thing out of the Dominion's hands, I'll do it." "You didn't know who the customer was when you stole it, though." "And? Now that I know-" "Athenath." "Emeros." They shot each other's names out like darts. They sat, staring into one another's faces, both searching for an answer that wasn't there.

[i want to expand on this whole scene one day but for now this snippet gives a good overview of the situation - athenath made a mistake that is also a habit/profession. they did something wrong, and hid the evidence in the belongings of someone he's traveling with. who's to say the guards wouldn't have searched emeros' belongings? or wyndrelis'? who's to say if they hid it in wyndrelis' belongings, that the mage would even be mad? i mean, he wouldn't be happy, but he doesn't have the same hatred of the thalmor (on a deeper level than just thinking they suck) that emeros and athenath have, so it wasn't a random decision for me to make athenath hide stolen goods in emeros' bag.

now, emeros is confronting them on that mistake. he's setting boundaries and saying he won't tolerate that, and the fact that he's being stern but still trying to be friendly, trying to not let it show how betrayed he feels (he defended athenath from belethors accusations, after all) and still trying to make it all work even when athenath seems like he's pushing him away… it says a hell of a lot about emeros, i think. and it says a hell of a lot about athenath, too, that after this, he apologizes and makes a joke and finally looks emeros in the face. AUGH.]

oh that was a lot of typing im so sorry HAHAJKHGDFKJGHFDHG

i've focused a lot on these two, but we GOTTA give everyone's favorite anxious mage some love!! so i'm gonna focus on wyndrelis here >:3c this is from chapter 21!!

It bothered him, how much space this occupied. Not the image of someone bloodied and in need of help, that much he could handle. No, it was the nagging suspicion of something wrong. Someone pulling a trick, sleight of hand like a jester in the streets of the Imperial City, deceiving himself and his companions. That moment the scraggly Altmer had made the tiniest flick of a weakened wrist - the smallest thing that Wyndrelis seemed to be the only one to notice - the sour taste of metal latched to his tongue. Magic cast when someone was desperate. A spell from a mage without much left to give. And when he'd held a hand near the other, his own magicka had been met with a repelling force like the Dwemeri magnets he'd studied once with an old colleague. The ends opposing. A force meeting force, an uncomfortable sensation that pushed back against his hand. And what had he said about Illusion magic?

[this scene… ough. it's fair to say wyndrelis doesn't think highly of himself, which will show up later. but right now, let's focus on the magic: it's a tangible thing, it's an intangible thing. to me, magic is like the mycelium of energy - it extends outwards towards sources, it bumps into other sources, it changes course. when it's used, it can be felt by others proficient in the craft. hell, it can be tasted, smelled, and touched, depending on what the caster has done with it. and this scene is wyndrelis mulling over the events of chapter 19, the injured person they found off the road, and the fact that not all was what it seemed with that man. i think magicka can touch other magicka, and either be pulled in, muddled together, or repelled. and in this case, wyndrelis is wondering why there was such a strong, repelling force.]

The thick, dark clouds lowered into their slow graves in the hills, ground marshy and squelching under the boots of the farmers who checked now on their animals and their crops, returned to duties put off for the weather. Wyndrelis preferred to stay in the trio's room for the day, the sight of the hearth so near to him making his palms shake. He laid there in the dim, a book left behind by a former patron of the inn propped against a bent knee, reading silently as he struggled to distract from his unease. The sun sloped into the inn's high windows, or the half-alive vestiges of it, the light weak against the forces of the torches and hearthlight. Footsteps interrupted his thoughts, but he kept his eyes locked on the book, turning a page quietly.

[the trio had, only days prior, dealt with the fight at the western watchtower. and then wyndrelis and farengar's attempt at figuring out a staff in chapter 17 went wrong and caught the floor on fire. and of course, wyndrelis' personal history with fire is not a good one, so it's safe to say he's enjoying being away from the hearth and just… trying to relax.]

"You okay?" Athenath asked, leaning casually against the doorframe. Their arms folded over their chest and dark eyes locked on him, the Altmer gave the mage a quizzical look as he faced them momentarily before his gaze once more landed on the pages before him. "Yes." Athenath looked to be suppressing the momentary twitch of a frown. "You sure?" The Dunmer waited a moment before pushing himself up out of his recline, shoving his fingers through his dark hair until it was tousled and feathery. Explaining to the younger elf the situation seemed like an effort not worth taking. He doubted they would understand why he was concerned. The sights of the bodies, the putrid stench of death, all of it had jostled their nerves enough, no use telling them anything else, let alone that they may have sent something awful Whiteruns way with a handwritten note and a wave.

[this is a recurring theme of the other two elves underestimating athenath, frankly. it's both to do with their age - he's 24, which is still an adult to elves, but its also an age lacking a shitton of life experience among them - and their personality, where athenath tends to act very youthful, light-hearted, and cheery.

all of this congeals into the other two's underestimations of their bard friend. wyndrelis, being the middle of the trio, still falls into this trap himself despite not being that old compared to most elves. he's probably in his 50s-60s, chronologically. in a way, wyndrelis does want to protect both of his companions. he's actively healed them in dangerous situations before healing himself (bleak falls barrow, for example) and defended them with wards. but here, that protection also carries the weight of underestimation, which wyndrelis falls into subconsciously.]

He combed the strands into place with his hands. He couldn't find anything to occupy his attention other than the questions that burned holes in his ears no matter how hard he struggled. Could he even begin to explain the thoughts worming through his mind, burrowing deep into the subconscious parts, eating their fill on his suspicions? He couldn't. He rubbed at his shoulder. He shut his eyes and breathed in the warm air. His mind stagnated on the idea, how to explain, what to say. He wondered if Emeros held the same discomfort in his chest about the blond elf.

[a LOT of the imagery i use for wyndrelis has to do with things like death, decay, bones, ravens/crows, and etc. i love just pointing that out because it's a hell of a lot of fun. all three of them have their unique themes in imagery (emeros gets a lot of hawk/wolf imagery, and athenath gets a lot of cat imagery, for example), and this is a great example of it. and a continuation of his thoughts on the previous day, and his inability to just ask emeros or athenath if either of them have the same feeling. to say wyndrelis has low self-esteem is putting it lightly, and fears a negative response and a "what are you talking about? it's nothing" reply to his concerns.]

"It's a long story." He settled on his reply, words dripping out from his lips on the trail of a long exhale, Athenath traipsing easily over and plopping down into one of the creaking chairs in their room. Slinging their arms on the rests, he craned his posture lightly forward, intrigue in the knit of his brow. "Wanna get into it?" The offer could have been genuine, but the Dunmer had no faith in it. Mostly, he had no faith that they would even listen, or be interested. Wyndrelis shook his head. "No, no thank you."

[POINTS AT MY PRIOR POINT. wyndrelis' low self-esteem is a huge issue for him that he'll need to work through for the good of all three of them. he's an incredible mage, but that's all he feels competent with. and even when someone offers to hear him out, he rejects it, and even redirects the conversation after this.]

and now, this scene from chapter 6, which is hilarious and very telling, and relates back to the scenes i've commented on above in a way. its very light-hearted overall, so its a good piece to end on!

"I'm just glad we're not traveling during the Great War. Horrible time to be on the road, that was." "Really?" Wyndrelis arched a brow as he shut his bag and set it under his seat. "I wasn't traveling then." "You weren't?" The Dunmer shook his head again as Emeros leaned back in his chair, an arm slung over the back. "What were you doing during that time?" "I was still at home, working on my studies." Wyndrelis waved the admission away with an absent hand. "Gods, it was a mess. Every opportunistic bandit in all of Tamriel set upon some of those truly isolated roads. Not to mention, having to skirt battlefields and navigate around all of that… Well, I'm just glad that whole affair is done with." After a long pause, all eyes landed on Athenath, who shrunk back. "What were you doing during the Great War? Gallavanting about with your tambourine?" He teased, light-hearted in his tone.

[emeros spent most of his younger years traveling. he left home at 16, and traversed Valenwood until he decided his call to alchemy - difficult to practice with the green pact, y'know - was more important, and he went to cyrodiil for a while. then hammerfell, high rock, cyrodiil again, and now skyrim. he's got a hell of a lot of experience on the roads, and was actively traveling during the great war!

meanwhile, wyndrelis was working on his studies to join the synod one day. he is the only mage in his family for various reasons, and he was discouraged from pursuing magic. however, he still did, and he taught himself the basics at home. then he wound up in the college of whispers for other reasons, and there, he excelled. during the great war, he was studying, though.]

Athenath sat there, quiet. "Well, no, not exactly." The Altmer sat on the bed, the shaggy cut of their hair more apparent now that it was no longer neatly combed, curls running past their shoulders. His dark eyes were round and curious, but now, they tried not to look directly in the faces of either of his companions, flitting between the other two's hands or torsos, chin tucking to their neck. Emeros narrowed his gaze, his intrigue clearly piqued by the awkwardly mumbled statement. "What do you mean, 'no, not exactly'?" The alchemist questioned slowly. Athenath dragged their palms down their face, as though he'd been dreading this. Wyndrelis carefully observed as the bard heaved a loud, dramatic sigh, fiddling with a corner of their vest. He mumbled something the other two couldn't hear. "What?" Wyndrelis asked. Athenath looked up, frown creasing the edge of his lips. "I'm twenty-four. I was born a few years after the Great War." They uttered the admission with a level of embarrassment, and Wyndrelis understood why. An elven childhood lasted about the same length as any humans, the shortest period of their lifespans and often marked with celebrations, then their lives slowed, all things eased to a stroll as they grew older. This placed Athenath squarely in adulthood, but among other Mer, a young adult was treated as naive and lacking in the knowledge of their peers. Among humans or Khajiit or Argonians, this was grown out of quickly as responsibilities and families cropped up in those years, but among Mer, this was a particularly scathing presumption, treated less like capable adults and more like overgrown children, weeds among oaks.

[THIS okay this is what i was talking about earlier. okay. so the point made here is that while for non-elven people, these years would be marked by already having children, marriages, careers, or being in their studies and having sufficient experience in at least some fields (apprenticeships in early life, for example), among elves, this is seen as the time period where you're off to your studies/starting apprenticeships or getting out into the world. this is the time period where elves are expected to be quiet and learn their shit. athenath had a pretty rough start to being out on his own at 16, so they've had to figure things out and do their best, and he's encountered a lot of other elves who, upon learning they're not even in their 70s yet, discredit everything he says and brush away their opinions as those of a young lad who still has too much to learn to be taken seriously. and it gets to athenath a lot, and they don't like bringing up that he was born after the great war.]

"What?" Emeros' eyes widened, laughter brimming in his voice as he cupped his hands over his mouth. "My gods, I figured you looked a little young, but-" "Oh, shut up," Athenath plucked a coin from his own pocket and tossed it feebly at Emeros' shoulder, watching the glittering septim bounce off his form, the Bosmer laughing. Wyndrelis considered stepping in, but there was a humorous grin at the edge of the bard's mouth. Emeros picked the coin up off the floor, holding it between his thumb and forefinger. "Aw, is the infant feeling fussy?" He cooed in a mocking-sweet tone as he linked his fingers together, Wyndrelis stifling his own laughter. Athenath heaved a monumentally dramatic sigh, throwing their head against the mattress of the shared bed. Emeros chided, "none of that, now, you don't want to injure your soft spot." After the Altmer gave a strangled groan of frustration, Wyndrelis couldn't fight his urge to follow in the teasing. "Do you need a nap?" The Dunmer managed through his own tittering. Athenath's eyes locked on him and he plucked another coin in a slow, menacing manner. Wyndrelis held up his arms in defense, prepared for the gold to be tossed his way. Athenath plopped the coin back into his pocket with a sigh.

[this scene is so much fun for so many reasons. athenath expected the other two to treat them as lesser, but instead, they've taken that presumption all the way to its extreme for a joke. the trio JUST went through helgen and bleak falls barrow together, the respect for one another is already solidifying, and while this will have an impact that bites them all in the asses later, right now it's all jokes because how could they really see athenath as incapable of handling himself when they all JUST fought draugr and solved ancient puzzles together??]

"Come on, you don't even look much older than me. Weren't you a kid during the Great War, Wyndrelis?" Wyndrelis ticked his tongue. "I was in my twenties." Athenath pressed his face into their hands. The look he gave Wyndrelis through his fingers was a pouting plea for the other to help him out here, a little. "And I was already in my thirties when it ended," Emeros tutted, "so you can do the maths on that." Punctuating with a wink, he leaned back in his chair comfortably, the bard's grin sprawling wider.

[this scene still feels clumsy to me every time i read back, but i wanted to clearly establish all of this because it is important to how the trio react to events down the line. emeros will obviously, due to his own age and life experiences, have different reactions to situations than wyndrelis and athenath. the same can be said of the other two. and when those events happen, and when things get either hilarious or intense, they will have their own reasons for reacting the ways they do. after all, the experiences of someone on the road during the great war, vs someone studying at home, vs someone who wasnt born until like 6 years after are vastly different, and i felt the need to establish all of this. well, it still feels clumsy, but i'm not rewriting it again, damn it HAHJKHGJKF]

Linking their fingers together under his chin, he batted his lashes and put on a saccharine smile, coated in barely-concealed mischief. "Aw, then how was the Oblivion Crisis, pa?" Emeros sputtered and coughed, head jerked wildly at the question. "I'm not that o-"

[dont dish out what you cant take, emeros!! HAHAH]

"Terrible, Mannimarco was a nightmare for Mages' Guild recruitments," the mage replied dryly, pushing his glasses up his straight nose. The sound of Sven tuning his lute rummaged under the door, Orgnar making a droning comment somewhere in the middle of it all. Wyndrelis stood and stretched, the sound of the Altmer's laughter died out moments ago. "Let's have a look around town, then we can plan for tomorrow."

[i love throwing in a little mages guild reference. mannimarco my beloved <3 and its fun because, well, of course a mage would bring up the mages guild as a reference to the time of the oblivion crisis.]

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND I AM SO SORRY THIS TOOK TEN MILLION YEARS. but i hope you did enjoy skimming through the commentary on these, i have a billion notes on all of these scenes and getting any chance to infodump about them will always leave me thinking things over for hours. thank you so much for sending the asks and i hope you enjoyed this absolute wiki article of an answer AAAAAAHKHDKJSHGF

director's commentary

#bishop.txt #asks #ask game #cycle of the serpent #oc ; emeros #oc ; wyndrelis #oc ; athenath #dragonborn trio #if there is one thing about me it is that i am a Chronic Yapper #ANYWAYS I AM. SO SORRY THIS TOOK AN ETERNITY AND IS SO LONG. AUGH. rambling is a full time job and brother i'm doing overtime

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theinkedfoxsl · 8 months ago

Note

was that questions post like an oc ask game but for you instead? i bet other people have asked questions but i want ALL OF THEM. bc i think u are so cool. please :3 n for 36: what is your very favorite time of day and why?

HHHHHHH

What is your nickname?

Len :3

When is your birthday?

I don't celebrate it! But I celebrate my name day on October 29th

What was your longest relationship?

5 years this June with Henrik :D

What is your favorite book?

Ripper by Stefan Petrucha. I was obsessed with it as a child

What is something you're insecure about?

Rn? My voice cracks. They're pretty bad with where I'm at on T and they embarrass me

5 Male celebrity crushes

Pedro Pascal, Joaquin Phoenix, Nic Cage, Ryan Gosling, and Hugh Jackman

5 Female celebrity crushes

Can I put Natalie Dormer for all of them? But her, Salma Hayek, Nicole Kidman, Jessica Alba, and Kesha!

What is your dream job?

I wanted to be a writer for a game company.

What do you consider your biggest accomplishment?

Landing Henrik- uhm but no, finishing the Ambros Twins. It meant a lot to me, and I put in a lot of work for it. Even if I don't go there anymore.

What is a fact about you that nobody would believe?

ALL OF MY WEIRD FACTS PEOPLE GO "that makes sense" SO IDK?? I'm afraid of the ocean?

What were your highs and lows for this last month?

Eugh,, the lady at the blood clinic has been really transphobic and ableist to me the last two times I've went and its really sucked. Today was particularly bad cause the barista and some random girls were also quite rude. But! I ordered my cane and I'm so so excited to get it! I also got a skin I wanted in Outlast Trials!

Where is somewhere you'd like to visit?

I wanna go back to Germany, it was so nice. But I want to visit Munich next time!

How do you de-stress?

Stressful video games :3

What are your favorite apps besides tumblr?

Discord! All my friends are in there.

Describe yourself in one sentence.

Exhausted and blunt but kind

What do you think makes you attractive?

My fierce determination to make things work even when I'm on a wire. The people I love, I love dearly. And they know that. I think its an attractive quality to have, to care so deeply about others.

What is something you're really good at?

Writing! I'm also really good at listening.

What is something you're really bad at?

ADVICE- I can listen but not give advice. I'm also fucking awful at soulslike games we've discovered (nobody is surprised)

A time that you told a lie.

Pretty much every day. I'm a compulsive liar, I'm working on it.

What's a totally random and useless fact that you know?

Some ladybugs can have no spots!

Who knows you the best?

Rowan or Henrik I think

What is your most prized possession?

My engagement ring.

What is your longest friendship?

MAX! I've known him since I was 16! Almost ten years yeesh

When did you first feel like an adult?

I still don't sometimes. But I'd just moved into my apartment on the lake to be closer to my job and I was sitting on this empty living room floor and I realised that I was well and truly alone. I wasn't a child at home anymore. I was alone and I was an adult.

Do you/ Have you played any sports?

I played volleyball, baseball, and I did track.

How are you feeling right now?

Like I said bad day, so I'm a bit sad. But I'm watching Max play Lies of P and I'm hanging with friends so hopefully better soon.

Are you an early bird or a night owl?

Night owl

Do you believe in love at first sight?

Chemical reaction at first sight lol

Favorite song lyrics right now?

"I'm blinded, how am I to find a path that's righteous?"

What does self care look like for you?

iced coffee and nap

Describe yourself with 3 singers.

Tonight Alive, Icon for Hire, Hollywood Undead

What makes you nervous?

everything

What’s a pet peeve you have?

CUTTING ME OFF CAUSE I WALK WEIRD GO AWAY

What will always make you cry?

Tadashi ):

What kind of first impression do you think you make on people?

Unpleasant. A lot of people don't like me. That's okay

what is your very favorite time of day and why?

3am! When I'm hanging out and its dark and things are quiet and I can just breathe

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my-brothers-corrupted · 1 year ago

Text

My Brothers, Corrupted

Book Five: Section Two

As they arrive in Ireland, the brothers try to find a place to settle and handle some crises as best they can. Masterlist

Tws for rejection-sensitive dysphoria, discussion of past abuse, arguing and shouting between brothers, and stress over money/poverty. Tws may not be completely exhaustive - keep in mind the heaviness of the fic and look out for yourself.

Thank you to @lehhoh7822 for taking the time to compile this book!

Anonymous asked: Hey guys, not to be a downer on your plans, but didn't Anti burn down the house inside the mirror portal? I swear I remember him bragging about that.

“He did,” signs Dapper quietly, even as Blue looks up at you and shrugs.

“We need that safe space, that’s the important part. If we have to rebuild we can. Or just get a fucking tent, ha. Go camping permanently. Do you - do you remember the mirror dimension I made, Dap?”

Dapper looks up at him, nodding. “Sometimes. It was nice there. I showed the cameras once. There are trees all around and the house in the middle.”

“But Anti burned it?”

“I remember him setting it alight. I don’t know what happened after that.”

Blue sets his chin in his hand, his mouth twisted up as he thinks. He gazes out the window as the flight attendant gives a speech about what to do if everything crashes and burns.

aether-mae asked: Is noodles okay? Don’t put him in a suitcase or anything, poor baby

“Here’s my sweet boy,” says Chase, lifting up a cat carrier inside which a very restless golden cat is scraping at the bars. “I’ll get you your harness once we dig it out, baby, yes I will.”

Jackie is burrowing in a blue gym bag, tossing things out as he looks for the harness. He’s just handed you to Henrik, who picks at a sticker on the side without speaking.

“Camera’s up and running,” sighs Jackie, pushing at his hair. “Let’s just find Blue and Dap and get somewhere to stay for the night. Hi, by the way. Fuck, that flight. Glad we’re here. Yeah, Chaser?”

Chase raises his eyebrows at you. Being stuck between a dead silent twin and a very bored, nervous Jackie for twelve hours was not his idea of a good time.

“Yep.”

“Here, snacks.”

He hands Chase a pack of peanut butter crackers and they tear it open like raccoons, their stomachs growling, and split the crackers between them.

Anonymous asked: Hey maybe jacks old cabin is vacant?

“What’s that?” asks Chase through a mouthful of crackers.

“I’d love to have a cabin to stay in right about now,” says Jackie. “But anything that doesn’t have warding against other magicians finding us isn’t safe. We really need to find that house we used to stay in again. But in the meantime, I mean. I guess we just lay low and hope that Blue and Dapper can hide their power. And that the Irish magicians are less aggressive than the British ones.”

nikkilbook asked: Random nature fact, but it turns out that Lapwing-the-literal-actual-bird things tend to chill in a lot of the wetlands, and that there’s an estuary where loads of the native duders live—as opposed to the summer and winter visitors from the continent—called Shannon Calloway where there can be tens of thousands of the little guys.

It happens to be in County Offaly.

Don’t know to what degree magicians mimic their birds, but if we’re avoiding Lapwings right now, maybe don’t go to Jack’s old cabin just yet.

Jackie giggles, handing Chase the harness and shoving a book out of the bag. “I hope they can all turn into little fat birds and fly around. I wish Blue could do that. His only fault, hahaha. Well, maybe we can see some real lapwings while we’re here.”

Henrik sets you beside him, bending down to pick up the book that has spilled out of the bag. It’s the little golden novel they bought in a shop in Norway - Thornton Wilder’s the Bridge of San Luis Rey. He strokes the cover, turning his eyes towards the trees.

“Want to see some birds?” Jackie asks him fondly, reaching out to tug playfully on his hair. After hours trapped on a plane, he’s about vibrating with energy. “You still like to go for walks, huh, Dok? We can go for walks now.”

He tugs on Henrik’s hair and clothes and hands, chattering incessantly. Chase’s gaze darkens the longer it goes on.

“Jackie, give him a break.”

“We can go all over if you want, Dok-Dok.” Jackie ruffles up his hair, laughing and knocking their heads together, and Henrik just sits there, blinking. “Whatever you want, bud.”

“Stop touching him like that, Jackie, cut it out,” snipes Chase, eyes flashing. “He’s not a toy just because he doesn’t talk anymore.”

Jackie draws back, startled. He turns away. They fall into silence. The birds are chirping.

nikkilbook asked: Hey, guys? Can we have a quick conversation?

Jackie, can you explain, as best you can, why you decided to physically engage with Schneep?

Chase, can you explain why you felt his behavior was objectionable?

Even though the two of you are brothers, and even though you both have so much love to give, you speak different languages most of the time. I suggest we set up some kind of quick-and-dirty translation guide for the both of you, before anything blows up.

“You don’t just have to - grab at him like that,” grumbles Chase, clutching Noodle to his chest. “Are we just going to pretend he’s normal forever? Just our weird silent brother now? Is that what we’re - oh, fuck, Jackie, don’t - fuck.”

He’s turned away from him and crying, his hood tugged low over his eyes. Chase groans and sinks down on the bench, rubbing his face. “You’re kidding, you’re kidding.”

Now he just feels bad.

nikkilbook asked: (So who’s going to give the camera little robot arms so I can start handing out hugs? I feel like this is a long-overdue modification.)

Jackie, what are you feeling right now? Try and doodle it on something if you can’t find the words. Whatever you’re feeling, it’s okay, but I think it might need to exist outside of the echo chamber that is your head.

You too, Chase. What thoughts and emotions triggered your statement? What’s the connection between physically touching Schneep and pretending like this is normal? And why is that something bad? Neither of you are mind readers.

“He’s my twin, okay?” says Chase. “Not yours. He’s my job. And he’s hurt right now! He can’t tell you if he wants you to touch him or not while he’s like this. Probably he doesn’t! So I just wanted you to keep your hands off, okay? Cause he’s not himself and I don’t know why we’re all just pretending he is.”

He looks up at Henrik, aching for a second for anything familiar to register through his brother’s eyes.

Henrik is buried in that book, his fingers sliding over the pages, his eyes taking nothing in. Esteban, reads the chapter title, and Chase feels something burn in his eyes. He takes the book from him and slams it shut, shoving it into the suitcase.

“I’m here, Dok,” he mumbles, touching his brother’s hands. “I’m not going to let anybody hurt you again.”

Jackie cringes, pulling at his hoodie strings. He’s exhausted and overwhelmed and the airplane was loud and hot and crowded and his ears popped. Now he’s being a bad brother again. Too touchy, too stupid, too mean. Chase still thinks he’s going to hurt them again. He probably will. He’s just rage and anxiety and dumb decisions.

“Jackie, I’m sorry, I just overreacted and snapped a little. I’m not actually mad. You don’t gotta cry, man.”

He’s bad. He can feel it down to his chest, so intense it stings. He needs to throw up. He chews on the strings of his hoodie, clenching his fists in and out. In and out. In and out. He should have stayed with Blue and let the others go together so only his twin would have to see him like this - the wreck he really is.

crystalninjaphoenix asked: No harm was meant here. Chase is protective and just lashed out. Jackie didn't understand that contact would lead to a reaction. You're both on edge. Just remember no harm was meant.

“I’m sorry,” mumbles Chase. “But don’t freak out, okay? I just lashed out, they’re right.”

Jackie nods frantically, hiding beneath his hood. He wants to not be upset. He knows he’s overreacting and it doesn’t help for a second.

Chase sighs. “Want Noodle?” he offers weakly.

Jackie pauses, sniffing. After a second he nods. Chase hands the cat over and lets his brother hide his face and bury his fingers there in the golden fur of the kitten.

“I’ll guard,” he sighs, and you see him straighten and compose himself, finding a comfortable position and settling down to watch for danger so Jackie can rest. This is what he was meant to do.

nikkilbook asked: Jackie, listen to me for a second. Focus on the little words on my little camera face.

Your brain is trying to protect you from something. It has noticed something and has decided that it’s a threat. It’s trying to help. What is it trying to warn you about? What’s the threat? What is going to happen to you?

Now, what evidence can you find—actual things you can observe or remember observing—that confirm that? What evidence can you find that contradicts it?

Your brain is trying to help you, Jackie. It’s just been through a lot and the wires are kind of messy now. The red alert button is the only thing it can find sometimes. You and me, we have to spend a bit of time trying to unravel the messages. What is your brain trying to tell you right now?

“That I’m a bad brother,” cries Jackie. “And when I’m bad I - ”

His own thought process stops him short suddenly. He bites his lip and stays buried low against Noodle, who just purrs enthusiastically.

“You’re not… a bad brother. I just got mad,” sighs Chase, picking unhappily at a peanut butter cracker. “Jackie, you’re like the toughest guy I know, but sometimes when we say little tiny things, you take them really really hard and think about them forever. The - the evidence, if that’s what you need, is that I told you I forgave you for what happened between all of us weeks ago, and I like you a lot, and I know you’re trying to take care of us. Look, you got me crackers and you’ve been looking out for us this whole time.”

Jackie sighs and sets his face to the side, calming down a little.

“All I said was that I didn’t want you touching him too much, and that was a little harsh, and there was nothing about you being a bad brother in there.”

“I make everyone angry,” mumbles Jackie. “Like that guy on the plane who yelled at me for kicking his seat.”

“Whatever, Jackie, he was a dick,” says Chase, scowling now. “He was probably just grouchy from being stuck on a plane like we were.”

“That’s all? You were just grouchy?”

“Just grouchy and worried about Henrik.”

Jackie scratches at his beard, nodding slowly. That does make more sense than Chase secretly hating him. But the truth is that the logic won’t do much to stop the self-hatred from burning into him later, cause Chaser is right - he takes everything too hard. It’s not something he can help.

“Sorry I’m a baby.”

“You’re not a baby,” laughs Chase, and it actually perks Jackie up a little just to hear him say it. “Dude, you just get a little freaked when you think someone’s mad at you. And, um. I get it, you know? Cause I know… I know what would happen when Anti would get mad at you. ”

Ah. There it is. Jackie and Chase go quiet again, kicking their feet against the pavement.

“Maybe we can talk about something else,” suggests Jackie.

“Sure,” agrees Chase wearily. “Yeah, sure.”

nikkilbook asked: I remember him bragging too, but I don’t trust that he was telling the truth anymore. He struggled so much to keep Marv’s magic at bay that I wonder how much he could do to a place like that. He bragged that he killed your cats, and I believe Max saw their bodies, but I don’t think I trust that either, because they weren’t ordinary flesh-and-blood cats. He used Athanasius’ name as a code word for Dap at one point, though I don’t know what that means. Basically, I don’t trust a word of what he said about anything, because he was a liar, even if he used statements that were factually correct. Anti always lied.

“He did lie a lot,” mumbles Jackie.

“Thought we weren’t talking about this?”

“But do you get that too?” asks Jackie, almost desperate as he whirls on him. “Do you get scared that you’re going to get hurt whenever someone raises their voice or snaps at you? Whenever someone moves too fast somewhere in your vicinity or you smell oil? Do you get that too?”

Chase stares at him for a second, mouth pursed with uncharacteristic reluctance. He turns away again, quietly clearing a leaf off Henrik’s shoulder. “Anti didn’t really hurt me like that, Jackie.”

“What?”

Chase shrugs, too interested in Henrik’s torn white coat.

“Sure he did. He screamed at you and kicked you around and smacked you. I saw him, lots of times.”

Something flickers through Chase’s eyes, faint and timid. He shakes his head a little, mouth taut.

Jackie turns away again, frowning. Dok always used to tell them that they shouldn’t challenge Dapper too much on his delusions if they were helping him cope. Maybe this is the same. Maybe he just needs to let Chase cope a little, and come back to it when he’s seeing a therapist or something.

“I get scared when I hear the rest of you calling out,” says Chase after a long moment, and Jackie turns back to him, wide-eyed. “You… nightmare in your sleep, Jackie, did you know that? You shout. And then I can’t move. Even if I want to wake you up. I just lie really still and hold my pocketknife and hide under the covers with Dok. Cause… that’s what I’ve always done. And I’m sorry for that.”

Jackie stares at him, head turned.

“I’m sorry that you had to be everybody’s protector and I just hid and stared out the window all those years.”

“Not your fault,” murmurs Jackie, as if on instinct. “Being able to protect any of you, even just for one night - that’s the only thing that ever kept me functioning, Trick.”

“Chase,” he reminds him gently.

Jackie blinks, nodding. “Right, sorry. Sorry. Chase.”

Chase brushes his shoulder gently and sighs out.

“Okay. Topic change again. That’s all I got in me for now.”

nikkilbook asked: For later, when you have the space in your brain and heart to think about this, this is what I gathered from what you said:

Threat: people are mad at you because you are a bad brother/person, and that means that you are about to be physically hurt or attacked.

Evidence for: when Anti lost his temper with you, he told you that you were being a bad brother, and then he punished you for it. When Trick was angry at you or scared of something you had done, he lashed out verbally and reinforced the idea that you were a bad brother.

Evidence against: Chase has forgiven you for what you did while you were trying to be Red, and has said that he does not believe you are a bad brother and that he knew some of your aggressive actions were actually to protect him and the others from Anti. Your actual brothers have never physically harmed you for being “bad,” unless Anti’s shenanigans were involved. Since you defeated Anti, no one has physically harmed you or “punished” you, unless they were douchecanoe xenophobic Robins in another timeline.

Conclusion: Anti punished you when you were bad by his standards. Anti is dead, and your brothers do not share his standards. Their anger does not result in physical harm or punishment. Nothing you have done has been out of malicious intent, regardless of whether or not it ended up backfiring in some way.

You’re a good person, Jackie, and a good brother. If you’re up to it, maybe talk to the others and find out what their boundaries are, so you know what their definition of a good brother is. It’s nice to know what the rules of engagement are, at least until you feel more confident in your new dynamic.

“Douchecanoe,” Jackie laughs, and you see Chase relax again at the sound of it, because when Jackie’s okay, everbody’s okay, and that’s been the way things have gone for a long time. “Huh, yeah… all written out like that, yeah…”

He pauses, picking at his beard. “Nobody’s… hurt me at all since he died.”

Chase gazes down at the ground, eyes dark. They look at each other a moment later and both try to smile.

Henrik glances between the two of them, patient in his silence. He’s picked his book up again at some point, and it’s open to the same chapter: Esteban.

“He’ll come back to himself when he’s ready,” adds Jackie after a moment.

Chase pushes a strand of hair from Henrik’s face. “I hope you’re right,” he says.

“What’s that book about, anyways?”

Chase shakes his head. “It’s sad. I don’t know. It’s about some people dying. It’s short and he memorized it the first time he read it through, but he still always kept it.”

“It’s about people dying?”

“Yeah… about some people who all fall on a bridge. And this monk tries to figure out why, but then it’s more complex than he thought. Cause even the good people had secrets and the bad people loved other people. And at the end… it’s just about death, I guess, and how you love people as long and as hard as you can even though you’re going to lose them some day.”

“Who’s Esteban?”

Chase stares down at the chapter. “Just… one of the people who dies. That’s all.”

Henrik’s fingers are resting against the word.

“I got to use the bathroom. I’ll run inside with him if you’ll watch Noodle. Be right back.”

“Hey, wait, just leave him with me,” laughs Jackie, touching Henrik’s shoulder - gently now, though, not plucking or teasing. “He’s fine for just a minute.”

Chase pauses, staring down at his twin, but after a terse smile, he goes inside. He knows Jackie won’t hurt him.

“Want me to read?” asks Jackie gently.

Henrik looks at him. He’s got those big starry eyes like Dapper has these days. Jackie tugs fondly at a strand of his ear and then leans over the book, and begins to read, slow and jilted. He isn’t much of a reader - always found the focusing and the spelling to be both impossible and humiliating, and literary devices escape him for the most part - but he’d read for hours if Henrik asked him to.

Or even if those big star eyes seemed to soften just a little as he spoke.

“On Friday noon, July the twentieth, 1714, the finest bridge in all Peru broke and precipitated five travelers into the gulf below…”

“Dammit, Rojo, you promised me we would stay out of illegal shit. Promised me! If we get caught - ”

“We won’t get caught!”

“You are so wanted they’d ship us off to America or Italy or Peru before they could even figure out which one of us is which.”

“We don’t have the cash to stay anywhere else, Blue!”

The five of them found each other at the library two days ago and, exhausted from traveling, ended up crashing in an abandoned bus halfway across town. Jackie’s grateful it’s summer, but sitting cramped against chewed-up cushions and spending the whole night listening to the others try to convince Dapper that the bus was not, in fact, driving them towards Purgatory or about to fall in on itself was not particularly restful.

Then again, breaking into this house just because a couple neighbors told him that the Humphreys are out of town for a month or two isn’t exactly safe either if they get caught.

“Honey, focus, please.” Blue plucks wearily at the dog tags on his brother’s hoodie, his eyes hollow with fatigue. “Let’s just go back to the bus. That’s not breaking and entering.”

“Dapper needs somewhere safe and quiet, Blue. Hell, you’re the one who was worried he was going to attack the lady on the plane just for handing him a Coke. We all need somewhere stable. We need real rest.”

Chase and Henrik watch in silence as their siblings argue, Noodle chasing a bug around the garden nearby. Dapper is lying across Chase’s lap, eyes closed.

“We could spring for a hotel just for a couple nights,” suggests Blue. “Just until we can make some cash or find another place.”

“How are we going to make any money, huh?”

“We’ll figure something out, Jackie.”

“I don’t know.”

“Let’s not fight,” sighs Blue, touching his shoulder. “We’re on the same team. Let’s just ask the cameras.”

“Okay. Sure, yeah.”

Anonymous asked: Did we miss the flight? Well I guess it would be hard to keep cameras with you on an airplane. Where are you boys now?

“I don’t even remember what fucking city,” sighs Blue, rubbing at his head. “Yeah, we’ve been here a day or two.”

“We’re in Waterford,” says Jackie, moving towards the house despite their ongoing disagreement and beginning to inspect the locks. “Suburban neighborhood with a little space in between the houses. We can hide out here just fine. No sight of any magicians yet, thank God.”

“It’s not good if we can’t find anyone to help us get to the mirror dimension.”

“We can figure it out on our own.”

nikkilbook asked: Jackie, I just did some research—when you get to Ireland, try and make it to Malin Head on the Inishowen Peninsula, at the northern tip. (Hopefully there won’t be any UK Robins there, I don’t know how much magicians pay attention to colonial boundaries). Apparently that is the best place in Ireland to see the Northern Lights, and if I’ve got my realities straight, the aurora brings magic to the surface. Marvin may have gone to see it regularly before.

“When I was young, it felt so out of control. But I would come up here where the aurora summons all magic to the surface, and suddenly I could feel how it was a part of me… how it belonged to me.”

If that fails, try going to the University College Dublin, to the National Folklore Collection. You might be able to find naturally magical places that way. Look for fairy forts, raths, sidhe mounds, fairy roads, etc. I know Marvin’s magic isn’t exactly the same as the folkloric magic, but it might be worth a shot. Maybe look for ones near Offaly, where Jack grew up.

“See, maybe that could be something,” says Jackie, pointing back at the camera. “A library that might have info for us instead of talking to any asshole magicians. We could maybe take a trip up North sometimes. Although, right now we just need to get a little settled.”

crystalninjaphoenix asked: I say its too risky to try and break into a house. For now, at least. We don't want any run-ins with police or magicians

“Thank you,” sighs Blue. “Boys, let’s go back to the bus or find a hotel. I think there are even shelters in the area, if - ”

“You know how I feel about shelters,” snaps Jackie. “Too many eyes on you. I don’t care how sweet the nuns are. Someone will notice how off we are and then Schneep’s in the psych ward or people are asking too many questions - just no.”

“Okay, geez, I get it. Let’s just keep it in mind.”

“Blue, I said no,” says Jackie, louder now.

Blue stares at him for a second, eyes hard. After a second he scoffs and turns away. “C'mon. Let’s go.”

“No,” says Jackie. “No.”

Chase glances up at them, exchanging a look with Dapper a moment later.

nikkilbook asked: Jackie, you doing okay? You’re repeating yourself, and getting a bit monosyllabic. I can see you’re looking out for your brothers’ wellbeing, and I’m really proud of you for that. Are there any other options we can talk through before actually breaking and entering, just to make sure you’ve covered all possible bases? If this is the only option then it’s the only option, and we’ll go for it. But we’ve still got some spaghetti in the pot that we haven’t thrown at the wall yet, we can take a second to see what what else might stick.

Blue lets out a deep breath, centering himself before he moves back towards Jackie and lays a hand on his shoulder, rubbing circles into his sleeve. “I know you haven’t been getting much sleep and that you’re under a lot of stress,” he says. “But I’m afraid of what would happen if the cops found us and we could get a hotel or go back to the bus, okay? What makes you not want to do that?”

“Money,” mumbles Jackie. “And the bus is not… good.”

“Good? What do you mean?”

Jackie shakes his head, eyes focused on the lock on the door.

“What’s wrong with the bus, Jackie?”

“I want a house. I’m not… I want you to have… to have a house.”

“There are more important things right now, aren’t there?”

“No.”

“Is everything okay?” asks Chase.

“Yeah, fine, sugar,” sighs Blue. “Just give us a second. Look, the cameras seem to agree with me, and they usually lead us well, yeah?”

“Hmm.”

Anonymous asked: First off, this is great communication, I'm proud of both of you. Second off, Jackie, what is it about specifically a house that is important? Can you tell us that?

Jackie winces, shaking his head. Blue’s just looking at him and so is everybody else, it feels like. He drags his eyes away from his twin’s, rocking on his heels.

Dapper looks back up at the stars, blinking through a wash of memories.

He was Anti’s first in England, and they stayed in a small home in the country where Anti broke so many laws they eventually had to run even from non-magical cops. There was an apartment in Japan and then, gaining Jackie, they moved through Italy and parts of the surrounding world in villas and townhouses and once even a castle that Anti rented just for fun, cackling as he ran his hands over the ancient strength of the walls. A cabin in Norway and an old medical building in Peru, complete with a kitchen and bathrooms and beds. A mansion in California.

On occasion they would stop in a warehouse or spend the night waiting for an airport layover. But Anti always found them somewhere stable to stay soon enough, glitching out information to make it looked like he owned the property, paying for it with stolen money, or just over-throwing cameras to keep them well-hidden. It was a talent of his. Anti always found them somewhere stable to stay.

Jackie looks miserably back at his siblings. Anti was a monster, but he could always get them food and medication and security and a place to stay if he just decided to care. He doesn’t know why he can’t do that. He pushes at the door like it will swing open and welcome him inside.

nikkilbook asked: Jackie, what is it about a house that is so important? What does a house have that a shelter/hotel/bus/tent doesn’t?

“Trying to be… good,” mumbles Jackie. “I don’t want to be a bad big brother anymore. And I hate that bus anyway. Scratchy and loud and there’s bugs and rain. I want - I want something to be ours. Mine. I just…”

He wishes Dapper had never taken him back in time and shown him that perfect little house where his whole family was healthy and happy. Where he had a room all his own and everything was neat and quiet and exactly where he wanted it. He just wants that now, now, now. He’s so tired of waiting when things never get better. He sinks down against the porch of the house, holding his head in his hands.

Blue sits down beside him.

“You told me things would be better after he died,” Jackie whispers.

“This is better!”

Jackie looks up at him, anguished.

And dammit, Blue can’t hold his gaze. He closes his eyes, letting his head thunk back against the door of that house, exhausted.

nikkilbook asked: I’m so, so sorry, Jackie. I’m sorry it isn’t better yet. I’m sorry it’s still so hard. And I’m sorry, but this house won’t be your house either. It doesn’t have your room, it doesn’t have things where you want them, and you’d have to be so careful about not leaving a trace of you and looking over your shoulder and hiding from everything still. It’s a house, but it’s not your house. And I’m sorry for that.

Jackie’s mouth tenses, his head tilted aside. He glances at his siblings just for a second. White bandages and a torn doctor’s coat. Hollow faces and circled eyes. Mussed hair and faded, worn-out shoes.

He thinks he understands why Dapper always used to call them ghosts.

He had hoped revelations like that would stop after they cut their infection out, but the wound that festered is still lying in their flesh, barely even wrapped up, still oozing blood. He wonders if maybe that wound will still kill them.

“Jackie,” says Blue, that firm, warm hand on his shoulder again. “Don’t get too deep in your head. I need you right now, okay? We - ”

Jackie gets up and breaks the lock in one vicious shove of his arm. Blue jerks back, mouth gaping.

“No, it’s not my house,” says Jackie calmly, dropping the broken handle. “But we’ll stay here for a couple days. Come on.”

“Ro!” snaps Blue. “Are you kidding? The cameras and I both said - ”

“I’m the one in charge!” screams Red, whirling on him.

Silence in the garden. Chase and Henrik stare at him with huge eyes. Dapper might be laughing, splayed across Chase’s lap, his chest shaking and a manic grin on his mouth.

“I’m big brother. I make the decisions. Not you. Not the cameras,” says Jackie, taking one cold step towards his twin. “So I want everyone to stop acting like I don’t know what’s right for them. I can be a better brother than Anti, fuck! I’m in control and you’re the caretaker. That’s what you do. So how about, instead of questioning me, you get my brothers inside and take care of them because that’s your damn job.”

Blue’s hands are clenched, his teeth gritted. He seethes even as his eyes water up. Jackie turns away from him, mouth only trembling for a moment.

“What if I don’t?” spits Blue.

“You will,” Jackie answers sharply.

He does not look back as he disappears into the house.

nikkilbook asked: Hey Jaimer, a thought for you: do our cameras have a viewport you could look through? Or ways for you to take a picture and what we see? What are we, like a GoPro or a DSLR or something? I remember we sent you a picture of a shaggy highland cow once, back in Peru.

If there is a way for that to work, the next time you see Anti, point us at him and take a picture. This might not work the way it works with other people’s hallucinations, since Anti’s code is part of why we exist in the first place, but it’s worth a shot.

And Jaimer? Next time he shows up, tell us what he’s doing. Specifically, tell us how he’s interacting with your brothers, if at all. And then tell us how you think he would have interacted in the past, before the forest. I almost wonder if having somewhere to write this down would be helpful. For science, ya know?

“I saw him just now,” answers Dapper dreamily. “Did you see him? He was yelling at my brother.”

Anonymous asked: Family isn't a job. Family isn't a cast list of roles to play and those roles only. Your decisions are your own but they make their own decisions too. Sometimes you need to make decisions together, and most often, you'll need to compromise. But forcing your decisions to override everyone else's in the name of family due to a familial "rank" ... That doesn't sit right, Jackie. What you want, what you need, and what you have might not align right now, but rash decisions and clashing amongst yourselves won't achieve those goals any faster.

“No, this is how things are!” shrieks Jackie, striking the wall with his palm and making Henrik jump. “That’s how it goes, that’s what we do, that’s what it is, don’t - don’t try to change every - just - you don’t get to tell me - ”

“Stop fucking yelling!” screams Blue, charging into the house after him. “You are scaring my little brothers!”

They stare at each other, both panting, stances poised. Jackie sucks in one harsh breath and turns to rush away from him, shoving into the first bedroom he finds and slamming the door shut behind him.

Blue shakes in the doorway, swallowing hard, tears dripping down his face. He turns to look back at the others. All three of them stare at him in silence.

“It’s okay now,” says Blue.

They’re all just blank-faced and quiet, looking at him or picking at the grass. He supposes they’re just used to it by now. Or at least that they know how to keep a low profile and bury their panic until it’s safe to let out.

Fuck, they are fucking all this up.

“Let’s go, guys, come on.”

And they get up and follow him in.

Anonymous asked: Oof. Jackie, I understand you're stressed and overwhelmed and things are bad... but maybe take a second look at that interaction. Not now, maybe, but just... at some point in the future. And just... remember that you're all more than your "roles."

“Yeah, not now,” whispers Blue, helping his brothers pick up their bags. “Not now. That’s why he ran off. Cause he knows he’ll just yell and get angrier, cause he can’t take it right now and he knows himself well enough. He’s just trying to protect us from his own temper. He didn’t mean to yell.”

“I think we have a lot of problems,” says Chase steadfastly.

Blue laughs weakly. “What gave it away?”

“But we don’t really work on them.”

“What?”

“We have to talk about all this at some point,” says Chase.

Blue closes his eyes, sighing. “Amata… Jackie really needs some structure. Once we’re settled - ”

“Yeah, once we’re settled, once we’re medicated, once we’re safe, whatever,” mutters Chase, sliding an arm around Henrik’s shoulders and walking towards the door. “I get it.”

“None of us are stable enough to have big conversations right now, Chase!”

Chase looks back at him, and Blue sees that frustration in him, that exhaustion. Blue reaches out, worried for him, and touches his cheek, letting their eyes meet.

Something odd happens in that moment. Blue isn’t sure what when he looks back. But Chase’s expression changes - his eyes blink and then glaze just a little, and his body relaxes, and his mouth goes soft and quiet.

“Yeah. Maybe you’re right. Just… well, tomorrow’s another day.”

Blue frowns, drawing back from him as he moves towards the house. “Um. Yeah. Right. Tomorrow.”

Dapper’s at his side, looking up at him. “Something the matter?”

“What, on top of everything?” he grouses.

Dapper doesn’t answer, and Blue turns to him in apology, putting his arm around his shoulder in mimicry of the twins. “Come on. Let’s get you some sleep. Doing okay?”

“Fine,” signs Dapper flatly, and his face is as blank as his signs, his body stiff and twitchy. Blue knocks their heads together for a moment, sighing.

“Tomorrow I’ll see about getting you to see a clinician. If our identities are in the health care system we can go right to an urgent care place. Okay?”

“Okay.”

Anonymous asked: Jackie, the difference between you and Anti, while it partially lies in powers, is that you chose to care. Most of the time Anti didn't chose to care for you all. He treated it like love and stability was something you had to "earn". You know that's not true though, I can tell. You want to protect them simply because you love them, and you care very much. You can do this, you're strong and resilient, and you love with all your heart. You can make it through this darkness, Jackieboy Man.

He’s tense in the darkness of an unfamiliar house, and he’s already awake by the time he hears the crying in his doorway.

“Blue… hey, I’m… I’m sorry…”

He rubs at his eyes, turning over to see the silhouette of his twin slinking towards him in the darkness and pausing anxiously at the foot of his bed.

“I know you are, Rose,” he sighs, making room in the bed. “I know. Come on, then.”

Jackie crawls into bed beside him and wraps around him like an octopus, still fully dressed, burying his face in Blue’s shoulder. He cries into his shirt for long minutes, contrite and exhausted, repeating apologies again and again: “I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I’ll make it up to you. I’m sorry I yelled. I’m not good at this. I’m a bad brother.”

“You’re not a bad brother. Just worn out. I know. I know.”

He’s run out of energy for anger. Honestly he isn’t even that concerned for Jackie right now. Too tired to feel much else but this deepset and painful apathy. He stares up at the ceiling and rubs Jackie’s back.

“Are we failing at this, Blue?” whispers Jackie after long minutes, when his crying has trailed off and his breathing is steady. “Weren’t we supposed to save them from all this? Wasn’t that the plan?”

Blue doesn’t know what to say.

“We’ll get through this, Ro,” he answers finally, because you don’t always have to believe in comfort to pass it on. “We’ll get through the darkness.”

They spend the night side by side.

nikkilbook asked: Jaimer... which brother was he yelling at?

There’s a figure curled around a mug on the back porch of the home, blowing carefully on his tea as he waits for it to cool. “Does it matter?” he signs shortly, setting the mug beside him. “He’s always gone again when I come to. Or look through the cameras, like you said…”

He picks up the little camcorder and gazes out at the trees, one eye pressed to the sight. “See? Now all the monsters are invisible. Just talking to me, that’s all they do.”

nikkilbook asked: Hey Jaimer—do you remember in Peru, I think right after Christmas, after Jackie got in trouble, when your meds were still super weird? I remember you playing a game with yourself and talking to Bro Average, and you kept talking to/about your brothers and saying they were ghosts, that Anti had killed them. That’s why you got so upset with Red at the gas station, because you felt like he had killed Jackie, that he was more Anti than Jackie now.

When you see Anti now, what happens to your other brothers? Do they stay and he’s separate from them, or does he take their place? Is it like at the front door just then, where he was yelling at your brother? I believe that you see him. I believe you more and more each time.

I have a thought that I’m still putting together, and I was wondering if you remembered.

Dapper pauses, staring away from you. His blue eyes have morning light in them. He takes a pensive, tired sip of his tea, steeping the bag up and down, up and down, before setting it aside again.

“I don’t usually see him as himself. He doesn’t appear with a bleeding throat or mismatched eyes or the black clothes and gauges. My proud, vain twin. Sometimes he comes to me like that when I’m alone, but usually… no, I don’t see him like that.

I can’t tell where he is, you know? He’s hiding somewhere. Under someone’s skin. He whispers to me all the time so I know he’s close. But where is he hiding? He changes. Somedays he’s wearing Blue or Red or Trick or even Dok, when he’s quiet, and I see his eyes fixate on something cold or very red. But mostly I think he’s in all of us, and if he really wanted to make me hurt someone, he could still do it. I’m not in control. Just voices, and I can’t find JJ under Dapper and Anti and Carver and all the other monsters who have eaten me up over the years. I think JJ did die. I’m not sure if the others did - Jackie and Marvin and Chase and Henrik. Sometimes I see them, but only acting sometimes like themselves, and sometimes it’s Anti pretending, so who’s to say? Everybody’s always talking to me. Sometimes Red is right beside me but Jackie is yelling in my ear, screaming that he’s going to save me, that he’s going to save the both of us, that we’ll go home. But the radio is so loud too…”

Dapper rubs at his forehead for a second, expression vaguely pained. “I’m losing it. I’m losing my mind again. I always do. Crazy Dapper.”

nikkilbook asked: Have you ever heard the poem “The Future”? The poet, Neil, he talks about all the irrational things he’s done because of his mental illness. That particular poem he mentions being bipolar, but in a different poem he mentions schizophrenia. There’s this one particular stanza that has always stuck with me—

They keep telling me seeing things that aren't technically there

is called "disturbed cognitive functioning." I call it

"having a superpower." Once, I pulled over on the 110 freeway

and jumped out of my old Jeep because I saw it burst

into flames twenty seconds before it actually burst

into flames.

I’ve had this theory for the last several months, or maybe since I first heard that poem years ago. I’ve heard that part of schizophrenia is that sensory information goes in, something scrambles, and a completely different message makes it to the “this is what’s what” part of the brain. And I’ve wondered, what if the message that comes out the other side is still trying to tell you something about your environment that is rooted in reality? Like, if my sensory receptors smell smoke or oil or hear something or see something, and my brain can’t figure out how to translate that into Swahili so it just starts pantomiming and trying to get the point across by coming up with a visual hallucination.

And I don’t want to be the reason you completely clock out from reality. It’s like I told Jackie—if my brain sends a red alert, it is trying to warn me of something based in reality, but that doesn’t mean that reality actually warrants a red alert. I just wonder what it is you’re noticing around you that influences what you see.

We know there’s an echo of Anti left behind in us. We’ve seen him. I made him disappear in a poof because he’s been reduced to a couple of pixels and the emotional maturity of a toddler. He has no power in us—he can’t turn us off or direct our gaze.

But I think maybe there’s an echo left in each of you, too. And sometimes it comes out.

“Sometimes my delusions and hallucinations are pieces of real warnings,” Dapper signs gently, the wind brushing against that slightly-overgrown hair at his nape. “Maybe sometimes I do see pieces of him still alive in them. A part of me would like that, but I usually see him in anger, mocking me, shouting, losing his temper, making threats. I guess when you come down to it that’s the echo he left me.”

It burns in JJ’s eyes for a second, angry and hurt.

“I always knew he was a monster. But he was the monster that was real and tangible and predictable in a sea of terrors I could never get a read on. Because some of my hallucinations and delusions and psychosis - they come no matter how safe and cared for I am. The big red monster who stares at me from the closet, the birds that pick at my face and my legs in my sleep, the over-powering paranoia that everything in the world wants to hurt me - they don’t connect to anything. They’re just my brain. Just my psychosis. Just my demons. And those won’t leave me even if I could convince myself my brother is dead.”

A bitter sip of his tea, full of sugar. He closes his eyes.

It’s now that pounding footsteps come racing towards the door, and Blue races out onto the porch, yelping as he almost trips over his youngest brother. “Dapper! Red’s gone. Have you seen him? Oh, fuck.”

Anonymous asked: Blue, JJ, be kind to each other and be mindful of each other. You're both dealing with Anti's death in very different ways, and it could result in arguments or in-fighting, when what you both need most right now is a brother to be there for you.

“Blue,” signs Dapper, tugging on his shirt as he tries to race away from him. “Wait, wait.”

“What?” snaps Blue, whirling on him. “What, where’s my brother?”

Dapper sinks in on himself, his expression torn somewhere between timid and dangerous, a unique cocktail he’s perfected over the years. “He just went for a run, Blue. He’s fine.”

“Oh, so I have to break into a house when he tells me to but he’s allowed to go off for a run without telling anybody whenever he wants?” shouts Blue, advancing on him. “How does that fucking work, huh? Tell me that, Dapper.”

“He told me,” signs Dapper, shrinking away from his sibling.

“I mean someone who could do something about it if he was in trouble,” Blue shoots back.

Dapper looks away, burying himself in his tea. Blue stands shaking for a moment, his hair askew and his face still lined with pillow indentations, before he glances down at your message and feels guilty. A deep breath enters him automatically and he sinks down on the porch, sighing out again as he sits.

“I didn’t mean that,” he says.

“You did,” answers Dapper calmly. “You’re right. I’m useless right now.”

“Dapper. You’re not.”

“Yeah? What am I good for then?”

Blue stares at him, face heated with embarrassed regret. “You don’t have to be good for something, baby.”

“Stop calling me baby!” signs Dapper, striking his hands together hard. “I’m not your goddamn baby!”

They fall into shocked silence, both surprised by their own behaviors.

“Sorry,” whispers Blue after a moment.

“Me too,” signs Dapper. “You and Red just have such bad tempers lately.”

“I… I know. I’ll try harder.”

Anonymous asked: Chase is right though. There are so many issues plaguing your family right now, you're all exhausted, traumatized, messes. You need to talk things out when you get the chance. Holding back all these feelings from each other will only drive you apart and make things more difficult. Check up on each other and be willing to listen. I know it sounds like a broken record, us cameras, but maybe the reason for that is that some of us know a thing or two about healing, and we care about you in a way that makes us want to help. You boys need each other badly. Don't let your family be torn apart over miscommunication and hidden emotions.

The door behind them creaks meekly open and a tousled head of yellow-brown hair appears behind them.

“Guys?” asks Chase softly. “What’s the yelling about?”

Blue beckons his little brother forward, and of course Henrik follows after him, eyes lighting up a little at the wind and the smell of last night’s rain. He tries to walk down the porch and Chase pulls him gently back, sitting him down on the swing chair and rocking them both along, until Henrik’s gaze is fixed on the movement of their feet.

“How’s he?” asks Blue.

“Mh,” hums Chase, carefully re-adjusting a bandage on his twin’s cheek. “Slept good. Bruises fading a little. Does not like waking up to fighting, though. It makes him shake.”

Blue closes his eyes, shaking his head. “Yeah. Okay. Maybe you were right.”

“About what?” asks Chase. “What, me? What was I right about?”

Blue chuckles, running his hands over the smooth wood of the porch. “I guess we all need to talk, huh?”

Chase glances at Dapper, who hides against his tea again, blinking up at him.

“Okay,” says Chase. “Let’s talk.”

nikkilbook asked: My dudes, Not-a-Therapist here, but in all honesty—you need some kind of first step. You’ve got plans that are twenty miles down the road, and I don’t think you even know WHICH road. You’ve got a couple milestones here and there that might maybe point you in the right direction, but you don’t have a first step. Which is why you are in someone else’s house with a busted doorknob now.

I’m seeing two threads here: get your brains screwed back on right, and get to your mirror house. They’re interconnected, but I don’t think you should wait on one before you start on the other. You need some kind of first step, something that will point you even vaguely in the right direction.

I don’t know, maybe you AREN’T in a space where you can have huge heavy conversations, but you can have small ones. Chase and Jackie had one like a day ago. You need professional help, but that doesn’t mean you can’t start working on some of this yourself.

I’m worried about what will happen if you don’t. You’ve each got a little Anti left inside you, I think, and I don’t know what happens if you don’t figure out what to do with it.

“I think that’s a really good idea,” says Blue, getting to his feet. “We need to know where we go from here. We need a plan.”

He moves into the house even as Jackie appears down the path from the trees, fully hoodied and gloved even in the heat, the heel of one of his torn old running shoes flapping beneath him. “Hey,” he calls, surprised to see them all up and together. “What’s going on? See you made yourself at home, Dap.”

Dapper sips vengefully at his tea. “You’re the one who broke in, mister. And this is real tea. Finally.”

Jackie laughs and pats his head as he passes, meeting his twin in the doorway, his face ruddy and bright from the exercise and the freedom, still as refreshing as it was the day he burned his faux brother to ash. “What are we doing, Azul?”

“We’re talking about our plan from here, honey,” says Blue, plucking at his twin’s dog tags for a second before sitting down on the steps beside Dapper again. He’s fetched a few napkins and a pen. “We want to decide at least our first steps for what we need to do for ourselves and what we need to do to get back home.”

“Don’t worry about it, dude,” says Jackie, plopping onto the swing beside Henrik and Chase. “I got a plan.”

“And what is that?”

“I got some ideas,” says Jackie, frowning slightly. “We can talk about it together, just the two of us.”

Blue blinks around at his brothers, but nobody else protests.

Anonymous asked: Uhhhhhh you sure about that 'just the two of us' bit, Jackie? I mean, we're trying to stick together, right? Y'all are a unit, you need to work with each other.

Jackie throws his hands up for a second, glancing uncomfortably around and you and his siblings in turn. “Blue, can we talk about this for like, two seconds?”

And Blue’s mad.

Blue’s mad, so mad it hurts in his chest, so mad he recognizes the emotion, a moment later, as pure grief for something Anti took from his brothers.

Why won’t Chase or Dapper say anything when Jackie does that? Why didn’t they say anything yesterday when he and Jackie were arguing about where to stay without asking them once what they wanted to do? Is that part of the reason Henrik is so far away from them now, because no one was listening anyway? How long did it take Anti to convince the youngest three that they couldn’t make their own decisions?

“No, Jackie,” he says, meeting his eyes directly. “No. We’re all in this mess as a family, so we’re going to deal with it as a family. Why are you so opposed to all of us figuring this out, huh?”

“Blue,” says Jackie, a little sharper. “Please just come talk to me for a second.”

“Why don’t you tell your little brothers why you don’t respect their opinion instead of expecting me to keep your secrets for you?”

“I respect - ”

“Do you?”

“Fine!” shouts Jackie, striking the swing so hard that Henrik grips the armrest tight. “I’ll tell them if you want! All three of you are too fucking fragile, alright? All you should have to do right now is heal because you can’t handle anything else! Chase and Dapper have both tried to fucking kill themselves in the last year and Henrik is barely even there anymore! You’re broken the fuck in half and I’m not going to stop taking care of you now just because he’s gone!”

The silence is so deeply strained that Blue is surprised that all five of them don’t break out into a cold sweat. The birds sing and they glance at each other, stare at the wood of the porch, or pretend the others aren’t there. Jackie keeps Blue’s gaze, too long, too intense, before crumpling back against the swing, closing his eyes.

And Blue just wishes - Chase, say something. Dapper, say something. Henrik, wake up for a moment, please.

But Chase is quiet and Dapper drinks his tea as Henrik rocks himself, gently, on the swing.

“I’m in charge,” says Jackie, voice trembling. “I am, I make the decisions, I’m in control. Blue helps. But the rest of you… fuck. Please just get better. Please. Cause I can’t watch you collapse in on yourselves again. I already… already lost Dok.”

“Not lost,” whispers Chase.

Dok rocks. Rocks. Rocks. Smiling faintly, his eyes faraway.

nikkilbook asked: Jackie, everyone needs to be in on this. You’re all brothers—and, if I may be so blunt—none of you are actually twins. That was an invention of Anti’s to make you codependent. There is no inherent division between you, and everyone needs to be equally involved in what the plan is. And it’s not just the “find the house” plan, here. It’s the “find out who the heck y’all are now” plan. You’re brothers, and you’re equals. You’re all adults, capable of making decisions, and you all deserve the agency to make those decisions, especially after who knows how long with Anti taking that away from you. You know this, Jackie. It’s just like with Jaimer at the airport. Just because you’re big brother and you’re looking out for them doesn’t mean you get to control them or keep them in the dark. Remember, Jackieboy—you love by telling the truth.

There’s a slight rearing back from the camera from the four oldest, while Dapper just fixes his haunted eyes on you, mouth taut.

“Hey, hold on,” laughs Red nervously. “I am Blue’s twin. Always.”

Blue chews on the end of his nail, looking at the grass. “But not literally.”

“What’s the difference?” snorts Red, shaking his head. “We don’t remember anything before Anti reset us and we’re pretty much identical.”

“But so are all of us,” adds Blue.

“Look, this is the way things are,” says Jackie, his anger turning more and more rapidly into distress. “Why are we trying to change things? You’re my twin, and Dok and Trick are twins, and Dapper’s the little brother, okay? And I make the decisions when Anti’s not around. That’s how it goes. That’s how it goes!”

“Ro,” protests Blue. “Look, I know you got used to us living one way, but it was a monster who taught us to live like that.”

“I don’t care,” snarls Jackie, his eyes starting to burn. “I don’t care, that’s - that’s how things are. That’s how they are!”

Blue rubs at his face, shaking his head. The others are beginning to notice something wrong now too, Chase laying his hand on his older brother’s shoulder. Jackie pushes him away, his fists clenching and unclenching.

“You’re just parroting things Anti told us,” says Chase. “I don’t think you even believe that I’m too dumb or broken to make my own decisions, and I think you already knew we weren’t all biologically twins. I think that’s just the way things have always been.”

And Jackie does not like change. Blue grits his teeth as Jackie strikes the swing a second time, scaring Henrik again.

“Jackie, you have to stop. We can’t keep doing this day after day. You have to stop. I don’t know what to do to help you be less overwhelmed. I know making change is hard but - ”

“Stop telling me what to do,” protests Jackie, his shouting turning into whimpers. “Stop, stop. That’s not how this goes.”

He clutches his head, eyes squeezed shut. Chase reaches for him again and Jackie shoves him away, drawing a gasp out of Henrik.

“Stop cause you’re scaring Dok,” says Blue firmly. “Jackie, take a break.”

Jackie seethes through his teeth, eyes still closed, and for a second Blue thinks his brother is going to lose it again, lashing out, wild and out of control, but Jackie just sinks to his knees on the porch and curls down over himself, his forehead against the wood, bowing to the forest and hugging his knees.

“Okay, let’s just breathe for a second,” whispers Blue. “Okay. We’re okay.”

nikkilbook asked: Not sure how else to say this, but yes, you are messed up. That would be the trauma. The pathways and frequencies in your brain have been significantly altered because your brain has stored a whole mess of memories in unhealthy places, and that’s on top of the atypical wiring your brain already had. Regular stimuli goes in and who the frick knows what’s coming out the other side. It’s hard, and it’s upsetting, and yeah, it’s messed up. It’ll be okay—we’ll make sure of that—but that doesn’t make it less messed up in the moment. Jesus rose on the third day, but he was also kinda dead for the other two.

“Do… you guys really think Dok is just… lost?” asks Chase weakly, when long minutes of slow breathing have passed, and the wind has been the only one speaking.

Blue opens his mouth with optimism, because it’s his job to comfort Chase, to reassure him, to make him feel better -

No. That was his job. Now he’s his equal. His sibling. His friend. And maybe he needs to be a little more honest, not just for Chase’s sake, but for his own, because he thinks this despair might just eat him alive if he keeps it in any longer.

“No.”

He sees the movement of Dapper signing in his periphery and blinks as he realizes that a moment of silence from him and Red has allowed their youngest brother to speak.

“No, he’s still Dok. Henrik. He’s still him.”

Chase blinks at him, moved more than he thought he would be. “Really?”

“Yeah,” knocks Dapper a little shyly, shrugging his shoulders. “I know what it’s like to just be stuck in your own head. To be stuck in your room or in your catatonia or in your fear. But it’s still you. You just have to do what you have to do to protect yourself. Dok hid because he was strong enough to find a way to protect himself. He didn’t give in. He hid, but that’s not weakness. Sometimes all you can do is survive another day.”

Jackie hears himself let out a shuddering breath. That’s something he understands, at least. Sometimes all you can do is survive, even if you fail at every other thing you wanted to do and be. Even if you can’t even speak or take care of yourself or connect with the world anymore. Survival is strength too. Henrik is surviving.

Chase touches Henrik’s chin gently, trying to get his attention, fleeting though it might be, and Henrik gazes back at him, quiet and calm. There’s no message in his eyes and no words in his mouth. But after a long moment, his hand rises slightly and, as if by instinct, presses against the muscles of Chase’s shoulders just like he always used to do, to ease his pain through the long night.

“I do still see him,” murmurs Chase. “But I’m just scared that… maybe he’ll be like this for the rest of his life.”

Jackie has slumped back against the door to the porch, exhausted.

“I guess we’re all pretty fucked up right now,” Chase offers weakly, and faint laughter comes from his siblings, all gathered together.

“We’re all a little messed up,” says Blue. “Even big brother?”

Jackie snorts, rubbing at his face. “Yeah. Definitely.”

“And maybe everyone should have some help making decisions, not just little brothers?”

Jackie tries to smile for his sake, looking away. “It’s going to take me some time to get there, if that’s what you want.”

“I know you want the others to be allowed to be themselves again,” Blue entreats him, scooting closer to him on the porch. “What if that starts with us letting them make some of their own choices? Even if you are a good leader - and dammit, Jackie, you are, you really are - we still have to make sure that we don’t do what Anti did. We have to start seeing each other as equals again. As capable despite what we’ve been through.”

“Then I’ll do it,” mumbles Jackie, but under his breath, he adds: “It might just kill me, but I’ll do it.”

“Maybe this is what it is to be dead for three days before you can rise,” says Dapper. “For all of us. Darkness before dawn. Or winter before spring?”

“And a beautiful summer afterwards,” sighs Chase, looking out at the green trees and cool sky.

“Well,” Blue says, clicking his pen and settling himself down there in the middle of all his brothers. “If Dok is this way forever, then we’ll take care of him. But in the meantime, I think we should try everything we can. What if we just started our plan - our one step - with what Dok needs. That’s something we can all work on together, right? One thing we can do this week for Dok, and what we should aim for in the future. What do we think?”

crystalninjaphoenix asked: Well that's... a lot. But, believe it or not, I think it's good to get these feelings out in the air, even if this wasn't the most... delicate way of going about it. And please, please take care of yourself, too, Jackie.

“I want to stop scaring Henrik,” says Chase, sudden and loud, and when everyone looks at him, he sinks back again, squishing his shoulder to Henrik’s.

“Like… the yelling?” asks Blue.

“Yeah, like the yelling,” sighs Chase. “And the hitting stuff when we’re angry. And being loud or angry around him. I know he seems so spaced out - I know that - but I can tell he still gets scared. Last night when it rained, he was thrashing around and crying, and I could just think about him abandoned out on that porch, chained up in the rain or the heat while the bugs ate at him and Anti just… attacked him again and again.”

Chase turns away, teeth gritted, pressing his face against Henrik’s shoulder. His brother rocks, rocks, rocks, and for once - for the first time in a long time - everyone else is quiet as they wait for a brother to speak.

“So I wish we could stop the yelling,” continues Chase meekly, when he’s ready. “And the lashing out. And fuck, Jackie, I know you try so hard with your temper, man, and Blue, I know you have some shit going on too, and Dapper sometimes gets a little out of control when he’s psychotic or triggered, but guys, we just have to set down some rules, cause this is too much.”

“I don’t like the yelling either,” Dapper adds. “None of you listen to me when you’re yelling. Sometimes you won’t even look over because you can all be loud and I can’t, not like that. Everyone stops paying attention to me. And it’s hard enough for me to keep track of everything I hallucinate hearing when things are quiet, let alone when everyone’s screaming. So I think that when we’re angry, we should sign instead of speaking out loud. When we start to get angry at all, we should sign. Less scary for Dok. Less loud for me. Easier to stay calm for everyone.”

Jackie is staring at Dapper, eyes wide. The look in his eyes could, at first, be mistaken for awe that his little brother could contribute like that, or shock that he spoke up at all, but if you look at him closely, you will see that look for what it is - recognition of a brother he has met once or twice before, clever, competent, talented Jameson. The same man who cleaned him up after a gunshot wound in Colombia or lead him carefully through a past he had forgotten or shared his pain for so long before they found the others.

But there is still the fear underneath. How long until he loses himself again? When will it become too much for him? I have to protect him so I never have to see him in pain again.

And operating within the system Anti forced onto them is the only way he remembers to do that.

“Dap,” says Blue. “That’s a really good idea.”

“Yeah, I’m up for it,” says Chase.

And Jackie’s little brothers all look at him, because despite the temper, despite the fear, despite his desperate clinging to the system he was taught with blood and pain for so long, they still trust him to be their leader.

Fuck, he would die for them in a heartbeat.

“Yes,” he says. “It’s a really good idea. Please remind me if I get angry and forget to do it. I’m sorry for my freak-outs. I love you all.”

nikkilbook asked: Hey, guys—have we considered giving Schneep an AAC board? Like, nothing too terribly complex, maybe just yes and no to start with, but I have a feeling. Judging by what I’ve seen so far, it’s like parts of his brain and personality and fine motor skills have gone to sleep, for protection, but he still responds to certain things including the cameras. I looked it up, and Esteban, from his book, is a twin who lost his brother and whose well-intentioned choices always seemed to backfire. I think he can still recognize things on a conceptual level. He may not always use it, but it gives him the option of a voice.

“Does he still respond to things?” asks Blue. “You said he was scared of the rain.”

“Yeah, he responds to, like, stimuli,” says Chase, frowning. “But I don’t know about communicating. He doesn’t nod or shake his head when I give him options or anything like that. He kind of smiles at me when I talk to him sometimes, like he can tell someone’s talking to him, but he just doesn’t know what they’re saying or what’s going on.”

“Well… maybe we could start with more yes and no questions,” suggests Blue. “Try to get him back in the habit of responding. And then maybe a board with pictures? And we can do things like give him options and show him the options? We need to get him responding again if we can.”

“If we think the problem is that he’s still hiding because of what happened to him, then we need to get him feeling safe again,” says Jackie. “Which means having enough to eat and finding a stable home.”

“Those are kind of long-term things,” says Blue. “Is there something we can do right now other than signing instead of yelling?”

“I say we stop beating around the bush and skip to the obvious,” says Jackie stubbornly. “He needs a brain scan and a psychologist. I was planning to take him as soon as I check that we have fake identities set up in the health care system. And that those identities aren’t, you know, going to get us arrested when we show up.”

“Can you do that today?” asks Chase hopefully.

“Sure. I’m already in the wifi. Only thing is I’ll need to use that, uh, phone.”

“The one that was in Anti’s room?” asks Blue nervously. “It could still have stuff of his on there.”

“I know,” sighs Jackie. “But I don’t have any other means of checking and we can’t afford a new phone right now.”

“It’s important that we get some health care, for sure. Just… be careful, okay?”

“Won’t the doctors be suspicious of all his cuts and bruises and everything if we get him checked out?” asks Chase.

“That’s a good point,” says Blue. “Cause we all need physicals. None of us are in great condition. Jackie at least has been working out.”

Jackie perks up from his weariness for a second, puffing his chest up a little and sitting up.

“We can all go to different doctors. That will help ease suspicion.”

“But… what do we tell them about all these scars and injuries and everything?”

nikkilbook asked: it’s weird, Jackie probably wouldn’t tell Chase or Henrik if they asked. But he’s looking at his little brother and thinking about how Jameson was taught not to speak about this sort of thing and that affection and support are petty and ridiculous and stupid, and he feels like he owes it to JJ to look at him as his complete equal and give him the full truth.

so he just melts

and starts telling JJ everything that’s on his mind, everything that scares him, sinking in on himself, knowing he looks weak, and JJ gets this bizarre though “huh, we’re actually the exact same height, I always thought he was taller than me??” and then five minutes in they’re going “oh, i totally feel the same way sometimes” and “wow i get that too and it’s like i want to yell at my brain to stop freaking out because I KNOW how stupid it is - ” “ - but I just can’t! yeah, exactly! what the FUCK, brain??” and they’re kind of laughing and kind of shaken and kind of have never trusted each other more and eventually Jackie falls asleep against JJ’s shoulder and Jameson gets to be the one who’s on watch, who’s on guard duty, waiting for Chase to come home and Henrik to need him and making sure that Jackie’s okay. and it’s empowering for him as a person, and teaches him a lot about healthy coping and friendship, and he’s never been more devoted to Jackie, because while Anti demanded this overwhelming adoration, Jackie is willing to trust JJ in return. and JJ recognizes it, immediately, as a better kind of love than anything Anti ever asked for - love that shares, trusts, validates, love that knows how to show weakness sometimes.

Jackie’s eyes fall, ashamed, while Blue and Chase continue to exchange options. For a moment, he looks up, and there’s Dapper looking at him.

“Do you really think that I’m too broken to be my own anymore?” Dapper signs, and Jackie realizes that there’s nothing accusatory in the question, nothing demanding. He’s really asking.

Jackie bites his lip, looking away again.

“Dapper… it’s my job to look after you. You’re so sick… could you live on your own right now?”

“Could you?” Dapper answers.

Oh.

Jackie sits back for a second, blinking.

Oh. He couldn’t. No.

He stares at Dapper, open-mouthed, and his little brother stares back, grief in his eyes.

“So what’s the difference then?” asks Dapper wearily.

Jackie rubs his face. He has to decide if he really wants to say what he’s thinking or if he should let it go. But they’re trying to be honest, right? Is that a form of love? Is that a form of equality?

“Dapper,” he signs. “I helped kill Anti. You didn’t.”

Pain flashes across Dapper’s face, so intense that Jackie almost reaches out to keep him from collapsing. But Dapper just jerks away from him and turns his head.

“Dap,” Jackie demands, snapping for him to look. “Dap, I just - I just need to protect you, okay? And you’re not well right now.”

“You think I don’t feel that too?” asks Dapper, eyes shining now, damp and watering. “Don’t you know that for more than a year now all I have wanted is a chance to take care of one of my brothers? To take care of anyone? But I was stuck all alone in that room, helpless to even hold you, listening to you all scream and beg and suffer. Don’t you know how much it meant to me when Anti let me look after Chase after his attempt or when you let me bandage you when you were shot? Oh, God, all I could do was pray and survive! Jackie, do you know what I would do to have the privilege of being the big brother for just ten minutes?”

Jackie is speechless. Jackie is silent. No, he didn’t know.

“Jackie,” whisper Dapper’s hands. “Red. I don’t know if I can take care of myself or make good decisions anymore. Maybe after so long being treated like a baby, I just forgot how. And maybe I need a lot of help when I’m unmedicated. But I know one thing for sure - if you don’t start believing in me, I don’t have a chance in hell of making any progress if you want to make me your little locked-away, safe-from-the-world baby brother like Anti did.”

“I can’t see you get hurt again,” whispers Jackie, forgetting to sign now, dropping his hands. “I can’t. If I have to lock you away…”

He remembers handcuffing him in Colombia. The betrayal in his brother’s face. The grief. And worse than the grief - the acceptance of his fate. Worse than death.

“Let’s talk about this now when you’re medicated,” signs Jackie, sitting back. “For now, please let me take care of you.”

“For now, I don’t think I could do much else.”

“Okay. Kiss, hug, love.”

“Love,” Dapper signs back, forgiving. “Love, love.”

nikkilbook asked: You told Jaimer you were going for a run. You trusted him to let the others know, and to do something if something went wrong. You can let him and the others be the big brother in small things, too, like be the shield between you and a crowd when you’re overwhelmed or watch over you when you need to lie down and let the world stop for a second. Big brother doesn’t have to mean “the one who’s in active danger all the time so that the others are hidden behind he-who-is-nothing-more-than-a-shield-of-ablative-meat.” Sometimes it just means “he-who-is-doing-the-hugging.”

Jackie keeps watching Dapper even as he turns back to Blue and Chase’s conversation. He can’t focus now, not on anything but this.

It’s true, he supposes. Anti is gone. No one is here who will force him to be their shield, their protector, the attack dog. It’s freedom again, the same as when he goes for a run in the morning without being scared that anyone will punish him for it when he goes home.

But this does not feel like the running does. This is the other side of freedom.

Because if that isn’t what big brother means, then what does it mean?

If that isn’t who he is, who is he?

Too much. Too much, too much. This is not how things are supposed to be. This is not how things are. He leans back against the door and watches quietly as his brothers keep talking, distressed every moment that they will not let him make the decisions for them.

nikkilbook asked: Do you know if it would help for, when your “regular” monsters are attacking, to tell us about it? I get the feeling that maybe the others would put more of their energy into trying to tell you that they aren’t real, or that you’re safe, and from what you’ve said and what I’ve seen, that doesn’t seem to be what you need? Cuz you’re smart, Jaimer. You know they aren’t the kind of real that your brothers can see or the kind of real that will leave physical marks on your skin. But that doesn’t really matter, because they are your current reality. Maybe you can tell us about the red man and the birds and what the monsters whisper to you, and if you need reassurance that they aren’t the hurt-you-kind-of-real, you can look through our viewport.

And can you let us know what Anti whispers to you? And what he says while he is wearing the others? Because I think you might be the only one to be seeing that reality clearly.

“Okay, so for Dok we have: seeing a neurologist, letting him make some easy choices if we can, and keeping the fighting… less intense. Right?”

“Right,” says Chase, who seems to have taken a liking to the list idea, curled over Blue’s shoulder as he writes on the little napkin. “Yeah, and talking to him, just don’t talk to him like he’s dumb. He’s still there, he’s just sleeping, kind of.”

“Okay,” agrees Blue, ink seeping onto his knees as he writes against them. “Dapper, what do you think you need?”

“What?” Dapper’s drawn out of his conversation with Jackie, turning back to his siblings.

“What do you want for, like - like what’s the plan for you, you know? We’re going to go through with everybody, okay?”

“I just want my medication.”

“What, that’s it?”

“Yes.”

“Well, I’ll get an appointment scheduled once Jackie’s checked that we’re in the system. We can get that. But don’t you want to work on other stuff?”

“I can’t work on anything while I’m unmedicated.”

“That’s really not true, honey,” protests Blue. “Come on, how about telling us when you’re hallucinating?”

Dapper shrugs, closing his eyes.

“You don’t think that would help?”

“No.”

“Dapper, come on - ”

“I just need my medication,” he signs, slow and whining, looking up at Blue with those big eyes and long eyelashes, his mouth pouting. “I just need my - ”

“How about working on the fact that you still act like a fucking six-year-old?” snaps Blue, clicking the pen shut.

The childishness falls out of Dapper’s face. His mouth twitches coldly, his eyes narrowing, and he smiles, just a little. Or maybe sneers.

Blue turns away from him. He’s not guilty, not yet. He just can’t look Anti in the face like that.

nikkilbook asked: Hey, JJ—I think you’re right, we’re in addiction territory. I’m not an expert or a professional, but I did learn recently that with some drugs it’s insanely dangerous to quit cold turkey. Is there something we or your brothers could do to fill the gap until you’re a little more even-keeled and ready to make a decision about who it is you want to be?

“Just get your infant brother his fucking meds, how about that?” signs Dapper bitterly, getting to his feet. “Oh, and by the way - this isn’t me breaking down. You wait until I snap in half, Blue, and on that day you can turn away from me like I’m something you killed a long time ago.”

“You’re not going to snap in half,” mutters Blue, his irritation overwhelmed by his desire to be able to help his little brother, because he has to, because he loves him, because that’s his job. “I’ll get you whatever you need.”

“I want my brother,” cries Dapper, throwing his head back for a second. “If he’s going to talk to me all the time why can’t I just have him? Why’d you kill him, you just took away the touch of him…”

“I’ll get you your meds, Dap. I will. Okay?”

“I want my brother… How are you all going to control me when I’m really sick? Somebody has to be around to control me.”

“You can figure this out on your own with a little help,” says Blue. “Just… please help me make some goals here, okay? Please.”

Dapper stares at him, eyes hollow. Chase makes a face at him from the swing, mouthing a little plea of his own, and Dapper sinks back onto the porch, tired.

“I just want medication and to be left alone, okay? Don’t you know how much safer I feel when somebody else is… look, I just… can’t do this, can’t think, I’m tired…”

Blue bites down hard on his mouth, eyes flickering to the ground. Fuck, he couldn’t express in words how much he hates it - watching him grieve Anti, watching him act the way Anti taught him, seeing the remnants of him in his little brother. The truth is that lately, he doesn’t think he would even know what Dapper would look like or act like or speak like if he ever got rid of that influence on him. He thinks he would be a lot less fucking pathetic, that’s for sure. How can he goddamn stand to keep acting like this?

“Okay, fine, okay,” he says, because he’s the one who makes the decisions when it comes to their brothers being okay, and he knows Jackie will leave this to him. “We’ll talk about it more later. And if you just kind of need to keep pretending nothing’s changed for a while, okay. But we’re going to have to start facing this, and soon. Would you just - dammit, Dap. Can you just tell me why you even cling on to this version of yourself?”

Dapper stares off at the trees, face cool again.

“He still calls himself Blue,” laughs Anti from somewhere beside him, close as he ever was, mouth next to his ear. “He’s projecting because you two are the only ones who remember the day I killed every other version of yourselves that ever existed.”

Anonymous asked: "Big brother" has been tainted and coded by blood and pain. All of you need to unlearn many survival behaviours, but unlearning the 'big brother' system is one of the most important. You need equality and to treat each other like capable adults. None of you are above the other. Rebuild your brotherhood with good things and happy memories. You've all changed, sure, but you never had to stay the same. Make yourselves anew and build off good things! Change should be welcome and good.

“Do you want to do some goals, Jackie?” asks Blue.

Jackie meets his eyes and knows he needs him to have his back on this one. Okay, get it together. “Right,” he says. “Uh, yeah, sure. I know I got shit to work on, I always have. I just think that when my temper’s getting out of control, I just need some space. So please don’t try to follow me or anything. I’m going to figure out how to control this, but right now I just need to be gone when I’m mad. Because I never want to be… yeah, well. I’m going to get better at it.”

“Okay, yeah. We can do that, right?” asks Blue, and Chase gives him a big smile in agreement.

“Sure, Blue.”

“Thanks, angel,” purrs Blue, squeezing his wrist fondly.

Jackie fake gags and rolls his eyes. “Anyway, I also just want to keep working on the material stuff. I’m going to keep trying to find us some housing and I’ll keep food on the table, okay? I’m going to get a job!”

Blue blinks, hand falling from Chase’s wrist. “Whoa, what?”

“I was thinking like something in technology,” says Jackie. “Doesn’t have to be something fancy, we just need to get some money coming in.”

“I thought we were filing for unemployment,” protests Blue. “Maybe even disability for Dap and Dok. There’s good benefits around here. You don’t have to get a job right away, Jackie.”

“I’m going to,” says Jackie. “What are you talking about? I’m going to take care of it. I don’t want us to have to worry.”

“Well, I’ll work then,” protests Blue, sitting up straighter.

“We both can. Sure. Maybe together! I’m going to go look for jobs later. And a safer place to stay.”

Blue’s mouth feels dry. He doesn’t know why it makes him nervous. Chase sets his chin down on the top of his head and he laughs weakly.

“I just - they’re right about the big brother stuff, you know? You don’t have to - ”

“I want to,” says Jackie. “I thought you knew I wanted to do that? I want a job.”

“Um. Okay. Okay. I’ll put it on your list, then. I… yeah.”

Jackie nods firmly, uncurling from the ball he was in and smiling again. Chase looks at Blue, a worried little grin on his mouth.

“Maybe Ro’s not the only one with some big brother issues,” he mutters.

“Hey, I’m not being overprotective,” Blue grumbles back. “You keep your cute mouth shut.”

Chase laughs. “Okay, dude, whatever you say.”

crystalninjaphoenix asked: A bit of a tone issue there, Marvin, but I do agree with the concept. Dapper, acting like a kid has helped you with Anti, we know. It's a coping mechanism that's served you well in the past. But it's going to cause problems in the future. Medication is good, but it won't help you with that particular issue. And Marvin: you lash out a lot. It can hurt people. We need to acknowledge both these things in a more peaceful way before we can work on them.

“I wouldn’t lash out if you just - ”

Chase thwacks him gently in the back of the head and shuts him up.

“Hey, I think that’s really fair, saying that,” Chase agrees. “If we can come back to it for a second. A coping mechanism. Because that’s… what it becomes. As someone who’s… been where Dapper was, if not for as long. You act - you act how you have to act to get even just a mouthful of attention…”

“But - but Anti’s gone,” protests Blue. “How long will it take for that to set in with him?”

“I’m not a hundred percent sure Dapper knows that,” replies Chase quietly, dropping his voice again. “So just cut him a little slack. It’s, um. Really hard to wake up from that.”

“I was just thinking about that,” laughs Jackie. “Like when Dapper’s acting kiddish it pisses you off, Blue, but then Chase is just your lil Amata, haha. You don’t want Dapper to be a baby but Chase just acts like he’s Trick again when you two are hanging out.”

Chase and Blue both freeze in unison. Chase jerks back from Blue, staring at Jackie.

Anonymous asked: I know change is absolutely terrifying Jackie, as a fellow autistic person I know that it can feel like hell. Your brothers need you to loosen the reigns. They need to be able to think for themselves. In Peru at one point, someone asked JJ what would happen if Anti was gone. He said "Red would become the new Anti." And frankly with the way you're headed you will just become the new Anti. Give your brothers freedom to choose for themselves, like Anti never did. Be everything he wasn't for them.

“Wait, what?” shouts Red. “You said that about me? Dapper?”

“I’m not still acting like Trick,” whimpers Chase, sinking back against the swing. “I’m not, I’m - I’m being good, I’m - ”

“Amata, stop it, guys, we need to sign if we’re going to get mad or Dok will get stressed - ”

“Dapper? You think that, you really think that about me, is that - hey! Look at me at least!”

“Guys - ”

“And yeah, Chase, you do, man, come on, I thought you knew that? You don’t let Dok out of your sight and you’re still pretending like everything’s fine. You think we don’t all hear you crying your heart out at night? Then you’re just Anti’s little sunshine boy again in the morning.”

“Red! Fuck you! That’s - ”

“Don’t call me Red!”

“Okay, okay!” screams Blue, and the porch splits open as bitter milkweed bursts up from the ground. “Stop it! That’s enough hard truths for one day, just - Jackie, alone time, that’s what you said you - ”

“Yeah, I guess it is better for me to be alone,” shouts Jackie, his eyes burning. “Since you just think I’m going to - that I - fuck, don’t you know I’m sorry, I - I’m going for a run.”

“You just went for a - ”

“I said I’m going for a run!”

And he’s off like a shot even as Blue is distracted by Chase grabbing Henrik and rushing back into the house, wiping at his face frantically.

“Chase, honey.”

“I’m not your honey, Blue!”

The wind parts the grass. A cuckoo bird repeats its trill again and again. A car passes by.

Blue slumps against the door, rubbing his face.

“Well, that went great,” he whispers.

Dapper’s still there on the stairs, his head lowered and his hands clutching his ears.

“Come inside, Dap,” whispers Blue, moving towards him. “Hey, come on.”

“If I go to my room, I won’t ever come out again.”

Blue’s chest aches. He closes his eyes and presses his palms into his face, feeling almost faint.

“You do get mad at me but not Trick,” signs Dapper slowly. “Because you don’t like me.”

“No,” cries Blue, sitting down beside him. “Hey, don’t say that. I love you. Dapper! I love you, I love you.”

And he wants to hold him like he holds Chase, to grip his wrist or stroke his hair or hug him or anything, anything, but he just - he just doesn’t.

He just can’t.

He realizes a moment later that Dapper can’t either, because his pale, scarred hand is hovering in the air like he might just touch clasp Blue’s shoulder -

But he doesn’t.

He doesn’t.

And Blue doesn’t know why, but he realizes that in the end, it might just be true, this contradiction, this bitterness, this tension in the air between them. Because he loves Dapper, yes.

But fuck, does he hate him too.

Revulsion and grief wash over him in waves. Dapper stares at nothing, face dark and empty. Just the broken thing Anti left behind. Just the brother Blue didn’t save in time.

He gets to his feet and he disappears into the house.

Dapper sits in the wind. He does not move for a long time.

#chapter five

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