#haunted duplex

[kieraelieson]

An idea.

Logan and Virgil live in two apartments, side by side. They have never met, other than maybe an awkward wave or a nod in passing.

The apartments used to be one house. Roman and Remus died as children in that house, and haunted it as ghosts afterwards. They are somehow stuck separated ever since the update to two apartments.

Now Roman haunts Virgil and Remus haunts Logan. As ghosts, they have a power of being able to summon anything they can fit inside their fist that has at any point in time existed in the house. They have small fists though, as children.

Roman likes to leave Virgil little Werther’s candies around. Remus likes to swap out Logan’s goldfish with one from the past.

Janus is a Reigen-Arataka-style exorcist, and Patton is his boyfriend and assistant who is very taken in by the flash and glitter and believes it fully. At some point they are hired, and then re-hired and re-hired, to get the twins away. The twins find this hilarious.

[whoa-where-did-the-pancakes-go]

Every time i make up a ghost related au i have to include a weird lesbian aunt who does not exist in canon/real life.

[radiaurapple]

Lucid Dreams of New Orleans: Chapter 14

CHAPTER SUMMARY: IN WHICH Lucifer and Alastor go home.

FIC SUMMARY: Lucifer has always kept his distance from sinners. It’s what keeps him (relatively) sane — if he gets too close, he is haunted by visions of the tragic mortal lives that landed them in Hell. But in his new life at the Hotel, it is more difficult than ever to stay away — and when it comes to light that his daughter’s insufferable facilities manager is gravely wounded, it falls to Lucifer to deliver his soul from Death. In so doing, he falls headfirst into the sins, past lives, and heartbreaks of the one human whose contradictions he is powerless to resist.

we've reached the end-ish folks!!! I have an epilogue and some other ideas i want to go after this in the same universe--I am taking a week off next week though so expect the first epilogue on 6/27!!!

thanks so much to everyone who has read along and I hope you enjoy!! 🍎📻💖

[AO3 LINK]

The portal to Heaven closes in a puff of sparks. Lucifer is left behind, staring at the space Alastor occupied only moments ago. Without so much as a word to the hotel’s other residents, he opens a portal to his room, right over his bed; he steps through and flops unceremoniously onto the comforter. 

He usually escapes into a memory in moments like these — when he’s alone and awash in self-pity, his mind a prickly hedge maze of grief. He squeezes his eyes shut and tries to call up something pleasant. 

It’s no use. There’s only one place he wants to be right now, and none of his memories of that place and time belong to him.

Lucifer sighs and flicks his wrist; a portal splits open in the middle of his room, spilling green light over the carpet.  

Which is how he finds himself on Earth. 

New Orleans. October. Sunset. 

Lucifer steps off a cable car in the French Quarter and stumbles through the crowd of evening commuters. He inhales a lungful of a skateboarder’s cotton-candy flavored vape and coughs; the crowd thins, and he ducks into an alleyway and bends his form into a white pigeon. He flaps his wings and takes off. 

He glides over the rooftops. As the millennia went by, Heaven seemed to care less and less about Lucifer’s intrusion here. He rarely interferes in the affairs of mortals — but from time to time, he likes to walk among them, to see them exercise the gift of free will in a wider range of hues than his skewed and gruesome view from the top of Hell. Every time he comes here, he discovers some new human creation that brings a smile to his face — that makes him wonder if he might have been right all along. 

This time, he isn’t sure what to think.

Below, he spots Elysian Fields Ave., a few blocks from Alastor’s old home. He alights in the shade of a house between two garbage bins; he steps out onto the street in the same pale imitation of a human form he wore in Alastor’s memories. 

The suburban street is quiet and still apart from a hideous, boxy electric vehicle that drives past on the road. He borrows Alastor’s sense of direction and heads northwest. Soon he’s lost — most of Alastor’s landmarks are gone, and only the shape of the streets is familiar. He circles Alastor’s block three times before he finally accepts that the houses where Alastor and Hollis lived are both gone, replaced by multi-story duplexes. 

He finds what he believes was the lot of Alastor’s home and stands before it on the sidewalk, stares at the building that now occupies it, unsure of what he came here for. He wants to knock on the door and tell them everything that happened here — to tell them about the game nights, the lone drop of blood, cigarettes and violin in the rocking chair on the porch. He wonders if late at night, or during storms, the memories resurface like ghosts — one high and trembling note remembered in the sound of falling leaves. He wants to ask them if there’s anything left of those short human lives — any mark of their existence. The outline of a shoulder worn in the lacquer on the back of a violin. 

As Lucifer stands there, the thread of linear time frays, and his consciousness splits between both places at once — the present world and the memory. Alastor is coming down the sidewalk, right now and ninety years ago; He steps right through Lucifer, like a ghost, and climbs the invisible steps of a yellow house that no longer exists. 

The sound of a car door jolts Lucifer back into his body. He bends his form back into a white pigeon and flies up to look over the city. 

He takes inventory. Most of Alastor’s places are gone. Economy Hall — the lighthouse that marked the edge of Lake Pontchartrain — the City Park pool. The park has expanded north of Florida Ave., which has itself widened from a street into an interstate. Many of the charming cobblestone streets downtown are now paved with asphalt.

The Francs Amis, the first place Lucifer really saw Alastor with his own eyes, is one of the few buildings that still exists. Lucifer perches on the chain-link fence across the cracked asphalt street and eyes the sign out front. A dry laugh escapes him — it has been repurposed into a church. Figures.

[AO3 LINK]

[astrmastr]

greetings fellow creacher,,.,,, some music 4 ur tumblr travels..,,

this one is called space sticky B)

if u r wonderin about the album art it is about a horse looking for an apple with a skyrim marker above it

this song is called rayman purgatory. it is about raymans purgatory

i sampled rayman sings sex bomb to make that a a instrument. an i think that PRNNTHH sound was mouth made

FallenStar - a song that I came up with 2day! this was my first attempt at playin it i really really love how it sounds

the art is stuff i made 4 a character in a game a while back. their names are .root the Robot and Bolt the Plant

heres the after version w/ some more 8 bit stuff.

as u may see my naming conventions 4 these songs is p much jus type out the first vibe thought that comes to me

okok but 4 anyone wanting to do musical compositions!!! i think the most funnest way to do it is to just have fun w/ it. u dont gotta make mastapieces jus play with instruments an go 4 it

do u ever sit an think about the fact that you are a real life organism

pov a skeleton invited you to his apartment to hang out. this music is playing in the background while he stands there awkwardly

oh man its hard to edit text on tumblr

image is of the vst that i used for this its a little skeleton guy and hes on my computer i like to imagine thats his little house

an he stares at me an sounds haunting i love him

okiedokie i hit my upload limit! i will upload more in time i have a hUGE folder w like. hundreds of songs on it i am peekin through

[soph-the-podcast-nerd]

some things I thought while listening to Neighbourly

House 3: Nobody deserves more attention and affection you guys

House 4 is lesbian goals (except for. Yknow. The whole haunting house thing)

House 6: nice retelling of bluebeard love to see it

All i ask is to live in house 9 with 2 witch wives, baking and doing tarot is that too much to ask

House 10: coleridge is so interesting. I need to know more about him. (well I need to know more about ALL the characters but hes interesting)

House 15: sad! Beautiful! Symbolic! I think they deserve a happy ending :( I really like this episode, its beautiful and symbolic and whatever (hey I’m not an official podcast review blog cut me some slack)

House 25: I love CJ and Arron with all my heart and wish them nothing but the best. Mwah. 

House 27a and 27b: fellas is it gay to be in a prank war between you and the guy who shares your duplex thats been going on longer than anyone can remember?

House 31: u. All of u. Are very gay.

House 34: I really like this episode, the story and the ending, its great lol :)

House 38: I love this one! A great retelling of echo and narcississ where echo gets the story she deserves <3

House 40: excuse me what the fuck. what the fuck. What. The fuck?

anyway go listen :)

[eliaskader]

(   tamino  amir.   cis  man.   he/him.   )   did   you   hear   ?   ELIAS KADER   is   stuck   in   stonehaven   for   the   for   the   foreseeable   future   …   they've   lived   here   for   TWO  YEARS   and   are   known   around   town   as   THE  CREEP,   though   back   in   high   school   they   were   better   known   for   being   voted   the  quiet  achiever.   if   i'm   not   mistaken,   they’re   a   TWENTY  THREE   year   old   JUNIOR   studying   PHOTOGRAPHY   (   i   really   hope   that   translates   well   into   their   role   as  a   SCOUT   in   the   ‘new   world'   ).   according   to   my   records   they   were   originally   on   the   trip   because   HE  WAS  A  LAST  MINUTE  REPLACEMENT  FOR  A  STUDENT   —   which   checks   out,   given   they’re   CREATIVE,   RESOURCEFUL   and   GUARDED.   if   you’re   ever   trying   to   find   them,   your   best   bet   is   to   start   at   westwood  inn   and   listen   for   someone   humming   chamber  of  reflection   by   Mac  Demarco.   oh,   and   don’t   forget   to   try   calling   out   Eli   or   picturing a  worn  leather  camera  bag,  dimly  lit  rooms  and  abandoned  places,  an  almost  invisible  quality  to  his  appearance,  reinforcing  his  need  to  blend  into  the  background  for   extra   help.   let's   hope   the   chaos   doesn't   get   to   them   …

BASICS

FULL NAME:  elias kader FACECLAIM: tamino amir BIRTH DATE: november 11 AGE: twenty-three ZODIAC: scorpio ROMANTIC ORIENTATION:biromantic SEXUAL ORIENTATION: bisexual LIVING CONDITIONS: HOUSE D, the sterling duplex

PHYSICAL APPEARANCE & CHARACTERISTICS

EYE COLOR: brown HAIR COLOR: dark brown HAIR TYPE/STYLE: unkempt waves . HEIGHT: 6.5in BUILD: tall and slender. PIERCINGS: ears. CLOTHING STYLE: black, grey, and white colors. over worn jackets and boots. simple shirts. JEWELRY: rings, earrings, necklaces.. 

MANNERISMS

POSITIVE TRAITS: creative, resourceful, observant, patient, thoughtful, humble NEGATIVE TRAITS: guarded, mysterious, withdrawn, secretive AESTHETIC: worn  leather  camera  bag,  dimly  lit  rooms  and  abandoned  places,  an  almost  invisible  quality  to  his  appearance,  reinforcing  his  need  to  blend  into  the  background, the smell of smoke, an empty bird's nest and a broken wing,

BACKGROUND

originally from illinois, elias parents were neglectful and ill-suited; emotionally distant, failed to provide the care and stability he needed during his early years.

after his parents' neglect, elias was taken in by his grandparents. they provided love and stability for a time, but eventually, they were no longer able to care for him due to health issues.

at the of age 13, elias entered the foster system. his experiences in foster care shaped him, and he has been in multiple homes, adapting to various environments. has never had a stable or permanent home, leading to a deep sense of instability and an inability to truly settle anywhere.

elias struggles to make lasting connections with others. he is often seen as distant, mysterious, or "different," which isolates him further.

he’s learned to rely on himself, often feeling like he’s the only one who understands his struggles. due to his turbulent upbringing, he has difficulty trusting others and is slow to open up to people.

developed a strong passion for photography, which became his form of expression and escape. photography is a way for elias to capture the world around him, often focusing on the beauty in moments that others might overlook.

elias discovered his love for photography in high school and later enrolled at Stonehaven moved to Indiana two years ago, a fresh start and a chance to forge a new identity, though he still carries his baggage with him.

just before the trip that would change his world, elias had started to feel like he was finally fitting in—he had a job offer and a growing circle of people he could trust. the instability of his past still haunts him, and he's unsure how to navigate his future.

WANTED CONNECTIONS

best friend: maybe someone from his childhood to have gain that trust or someone he met when he was new around here and they just immediately clicked. he feels free to be himself.

crush: can definitely be one sided, unknown and a fun dynamic to explore.

former friend: he could have wronged them or the former friend did something to him. we can

enemy: can be recent maybe something happened on the trip and bam here they are stuck. or it could be something from when he just moved here and they both never got over it. i love a good enemy dynamic.

unexpected friend/ new friend: an unexpected friendship that could bring out the best or even the worst from him. maybe some new friendships, acquaintances from the trip as well.

exes/past hookup: it could have been a pretty serious relationship if we wanted some angst or a bit of will they won't they.

i am basically down for anything and everything!!!

[theiliad]

there's too many things that can be wrong with a house. too isolating. too self-contained. apartments and rowhouses can keep each other safe. safety in numbers. its so much harder to haunt a whole apartment building, a whole row of houses, all nestled in together. duplexes at least have a sibling with them. a house is out there alone, exposed, unprotected.

[jaytriesstrangerthings]

Daily Drabblers Prompt from @strangerthingswritersguild prompt “Come back!”

—

People don’t stay. They never really have when it comes to Steve. It was probably the first thing Steve knew for certain, barely ten years old and his parents decide to leave him alone with a shitty nanny who doesn’t really care about Steve as much as she cares about the Harrington pay rate. It didn’t matter how much Steve cried and begged as they were leaving, how desperate he was on the rare phone call begging his mother and father to “Come back!” promising to do anything and everything to be someone worth sticking around for.

There was nothing Steve could offer that compared to whatever New York or the Hamptons had. He was just a kid, but he was their kid, and he thought maybe that would count for something. Steve had never been very good at math, counting, apparently, was no exception.

It wasn’t until Robin that he knew what it was like for someone to stay. She insisted their souls were tangled together and promised she would never leave him of her own volition. Over the years she was a constant in his life. They went through everything together. As close as two people could be in a way that never really made sense to anyone else. Robin helped him take nudes on a regular basis, Steve checked Robin’s breasts for lumps on a monthly rotation, Robin helped Steve realize that maybe guys can be just as attractive as girls which is ironic considering Robin’s status as a raging lesbian. Point is Robin is his everything.

Was.

He’s yet to figure out what tense to use, didn’t think he’d ever really need to know. Thought “is” would be all he ever needed when it comes to Robin. He always just kind of assumed they’d die hand in hand in a shared room at some nursing home making jokes about tapioca pudding and gossiping about the staff.

Robin was supposed to stay.

After graduating they bought a duplex, each claiming one of the units so they could live together but still technically have their own space. They tore down the fence splitting up the backyard and still spent basically every night together like an infinite sleepover.

It’s cold without her, sitting on the green couch they found at a thrift store in town about a week after moving in. The fuzzy yellow blanket with cartoon bees she’d given him declaring he’s “the bees knees,” doing nothing to warn the ice in his veins.

Robin was supposed to stay.

Steve blames himself. It should have been him if it was going to be someone. He wished it was both of them if it had to be her. He was the one driving, looked over to her for a second too long and didn’t see the semi coming around the bend.

His car is fixed and sitting in the driveway, has been for weeks now. He hasn’t driven since that night. Maybe it’s fear, anxiety, maybe it’s just the reminder that she isn’t going to be sitting in the passenger seat anymore, flipping through songs and never making it to the end of one before she would get bored and switch CDs or change the station. Steve always pretended to be annoyed but he refuses to listen to the end of a song ever again.

Robin was supposed to stay.

There was a funeral of course, Steve was the first one there and the last one to leave, standing over the fresh pile of dirt and waiting for someone to jump out and tell him it was some insensitive prank or something. Begging her desperately to Come back! despite knowing she wouldn’t, couldn’t.

He knows she would. In a heartbeat she’d be back if she was able, even if that just meant haunting their duplex.

He’s half convinced himself that that’s why it’s so cold even with the blanket. Sometimes Steve feels like he’s waiting for her to level up in her ghost adventure or something, going from just making the room cold to flipping the TV channel and knocking things over like a disgruntled cat.

Robin was supposed to stay.

But people don’t stay. They never really have when it comes to Steve. It was probably the first thing Steve knew for certain. How could he forget?

[mysweetsinfulobsessions]

“POV the ghost haunting your duplex and you have some sexual tension going on”

By c.duart on instagram

[kieraelieson]

Hello, hello! Some of us Sanders Sides people are semi-cautiously poking our heads back in I see.

Not that either of us left-left, but still.

Indeed! It’s been real nice seeing you around 🥰 I need to stop in and say hi more often.

~ Another bit of Haunted Duplex

Virgil flopped onto the couch, burying his head in the cushions. Of course he had to visibly cringe as his very attractive neighbor saw him. He was hopeless. He’d never get to the point of introducing himself, much less chancing anything as dangerous as asking him out!

He sighed heavily, and then flinched as something touched him unexpectedly. He jerked back and tumbled off the couch, falling on his butt and looking desperately around for whatever it might be.

As always, he saw nothing. No movement, no sound, nothing. Until he looked at the couch where he had been just a second ago.

There it was.

A caramel werthers candy.

Virgil frowned at it in frustrated confusion. He’d purchased a single bag of werthers like three months ago or something, but ever since he’d been finding them Everywhere! And they frequently would just, appear. In open, empty spaces. Not like he was finding them in corners or pockets or between the cushions, but just like now, he could have sworn it fell on him, like someone had tossed it onto him.

Well. At least he liked them. And he didn’t want to keep track of exactly how many there were. He just knew they’d be far more than could’ve fit in that bag he purchased, and having that confirmed… ugh, it just led to too many creepy questions.

So he popped the candy into his mouth and threw away the wrapper.

Wanted to be tagged in this ask game:

@apricotbuncakes

[septembersghost]

How do you think the order of the JM story goes now, if there is one?

i know some people very much don't like this conversation, which is okay, but i do think there's a lot of insight about her and her experiences and her writing that exists within it. i won't go too in depth into that, but the story and progression has significance in my mind, so:

i think there definitely is an order, though only taylor herself knows or could wholly explain that. i want to also preface this with the memory of what a big deal john was at that time, because sometimes i think people either don't remember or don't know, since he's not at that stature now, but room for squares, his debut album, came out in 2001. by 2009, he was working on his fourth album (battle studies, on which taylor featured) and had seven grammys. he positioned himself as this soulful, sensitive, misunderstood guy who was so passionate and lovelorn and dedicated to his music. the friend who introduced me to him was starry-eyed about him, the idea that he had a bad boy streak only added to the appeal. slow dancing in a burning room was on all the swoony playlists (though i was partial to 3x5 and stop this train, and then we got war of my life and edge of desire...). due to his status as a musician, and the specific compliments he gave her (ie: stevie nicks to his tom petty, "this girl is going to be around for a long time") i get why taylor looked up to him and felt that infatuated thrall. (his infamous playboy interview had not happened yet btw). he lived in a duplex in gramercy park that was converted from a church parish house, it still has stained glass windows (stained glass windows in my mind, i regret you all the time). remembering that context is an aspect of the story here. anyway, this is very subjective and my own interpretation, but, to me, they'd go like this:

superman (because it's innocent and sweet and hero-worshipping. "he's not all bad like his reputation") -> i can see you (trying to keep it professional, but developing a situation) -> electric touch (some are attributing this to JG, but i really don't see it because it's very closely aligned with treacherous, and this is the first date, and she's already so nervous and fatalistic. i also have some feelings about the subject here, the duet, and half of my heart. electric touch in and of itself sounds like it could be a JM title. patrick's verse is extremely john-coded. as is, "and you won't need space or string me along..." when connected to his own writing) -> ours (the situation is now serious feelings from her. "they'll judge it like they know about me and you...the stakes are high, the water's rough, but this love is ours.") -> treacherous (parallels back to the idea of hiding away, sleepless nights, an edge of danger. "your name has echoed through my mind and i just think you should know that nothing safe is worth the drive..." the two headlights also appear both here and in electric touch) -> foolish one (she's in love and realizing he isn't feeling the same, and she's already questioning herself and some of the manipulation she's experiencing. "you give me just enough attention to keep my hopes too high.") -> haunted ("don't leave me like this, i thought i had you figured out, something's gone terribly wrong, you're all i wanted") -> dear john (it all falls apart, and she is deeply hurt and scrambling for solid ground, and reassuring herself that she got out in time. "you are an expert at sorry and keeping lines blurry, never impressed by me acing your tests") -> the story of us (he acts as though everything that happened wasn't even a big deal, where to her it was defining. this and dear john could maybe be reversed? but i feel like that breaking point of devastation already happened and she's trying to get her bearings in the story of us. "this is looking like a contest of who can act like they care less, but i liked it better when you were on my side, the battle's in your hands now, but i would lay my armor down if you said you'd rather love than fight") -> i knew you were trouble (basically a reiteration of "i should've known," "and the saddest fear comes creepin' in, that you never loved me, or her, or anyone, or anything..." again hearkening back to "half of my heart is a part of a man who's never truly loved anything") -> would've could've should've (she's grown up, she has all the power of hindsight, maturity, and experience, and she realizes the full extent of damage that was done and that she carries with her. she didn't emerge as unscathed as she'd originally tried to convince herself. she's still haunted and battling the memories. "i damn sure never would've danced with the devil at 19, and the god's honest truth is that the pain was heaven, and now that i'm grown, i'm scared of ghosts, memories feel like weapons, and now that i'm grown, i wish you'd left me wondering." every single one of the previous songs speaks directly to those lyrics. "living for the thrill of hitting you where it hurts, give me back my girlhood, it was mine first").

[saintjimmy1992-blog]

“Wake up the house is on fire, and the cat’s caught in the dryer. Philosophy’s a lair when your home is your headstone. Icon is the last chance for hope when there no such thing as hero’s. Your faith lies in the ditch that you dug yourself in. Last chance to piss it all away. Nothing but hell to pay when the lights are going down. Oh, Deadbeat Holiday, celebrate your own decay. There’s a vacant sign that’s hanging high on the noose over your home. Oh, Deadbeat Holiday, get on your knees and prey. There’s a vacant sign that’s hanging high but at least you’re not alone. Christmas lights in the middle of August. Grudges come back to haunt us. Your oldest allies are your long lost enemies. Grounded in a duplex to find, that you’re living on a landline. Vacation hotspot is the cemetery drive….” Deadbeat Holiday - Green Day

[feely-touchy]

It's like I left the stove on in my old apartment

That dark abandoned place is screaming now

I can hear the fire detector calling to me

Begging to change the batteries one more time

Beckoning me to crawl back into its mouth

I don't want to lose my fingers prying

But I can't stand the screeching, crying sounds

So I close my eyes and brave the sorrowed blackness

Feel around for the familiar sharpness that I know

Hoping there's a way to silence all the shouting

Becoming less sure of it as I go.

There's a flickering light at the duplex I can't drive by

It's blinding in the way it sparks and blinks

I see shadows there waltzing like caricatures up the walls

The remnants of a lasting murder scene

And everyone tells me it's best if I go and fix the light up

That then the whole thing shouldn't scare and bother me

But I am haunted by the pictures in a movie in my head

Whose hands can reach out and grab ahold of my body.

In my dreams, these places have burned down already

And their ghosts have become cinders of the earth

But I know that somehow they are still there standing

Because I am tortured by the thoughts of my return

[simmerstories96]

Amira & Dominick FINALLY moved! 💕 They moved into the Deplanter Duplex for the haunting of a lifetime 😌

Both aspire to be Paranormal Proficient while Amira wants to dig deeper into paranormal & be an investigator 👻

Engagement Party was a huge success, now she’s off asking her friends to join her wedding party 💪🏻

Stay Tuned for more

[baby-yaga]

yesterday, post burial, on our way back to the church to grab a plant, my mom told me, "love him for who he was, dont hate him for who he wasnt. thats the best way to go through life without baggage." and i get where she was coming from, but i dont think thats right.

sometimes people say that the opposite of love isnt hate, its indifference. i did love my dad. i also hated him. they never cancelled each other out. i can love him for his warmth, his humor, his intelligence, his gregariousness, and still hate him for his absence, the abuse, the neglect, how he gave so much of himself to everyone else but his 3 children.

im haunted by my mom telling me that my dad once told her, "if i knew then what i know now, we never wouldve gotten divorced." i cant even picture what that wouldve been like. there was a brief period after my dad left his late wife, where he was living with us again. my parents werent together, it was basically a roommates situation, and in all honesty it was the best part of my teen years.

we had all been through a lot. his late wife was abusive to pretty much everyone in her life, except when she was passed out on oxy. i was deeply resentful of my dad remaining married to her despite how horribly she treated my brother and i, and also him. when she passed away, we were all having dinner with my sister, and when my dad told trey and i what happened, i think it was really shocking to him that we looked at each other, and replied, "good."

but when he lived with us again, it was weird, but it wasnt bad. i liked having him around all the time. i liked getting to spend time with him for real. he picked me up from school, we ate dinner together, watched movies, i started going to the gym with him. we were living together when i went on my first date ever. we were living together when i came out to him. we were living together when i tried to kill myself.

but it didnt last forever. he moved in with a new girlfriend eventually. he kept it a secret, so when he moved in without telling me before hand, i was so mad. i wouldnt go over to their place, a duplex that was less than 5 minutes from our house. i wouldnt meet his girlfriend. i think i was hurt beyond words that he was breaking up our family again, but i didnt realize that until just now.

he tried to force it one night, wanted to ground me if i didnt come. we got into a tug of war match over my laptop in the entry way. i was so frustrated, hurt, i felt so un-heard, i screamed, "i hate you! i never want to see you again!"

he looked surprised. then, he looked devastated. he put down my laptop gently on the entryway table, and left without a word.

he called that night, and explained himself. he said something like, "a friends son passed away recently. i just dont want to lose our relationship."

i said, "im sorry that happened, dad. but i wish you wouldnt try to make me feel bad just because you feel bad."

he replied, "so im just supposed to feel miserable by myself?"

i dont remember what i said exactly. it was something to the effect of, "fine! keep making everyone around you miserable, until you have no one around but yourself!" i slammed the phone down. this was in like, 2008 or so, so we still had a landline, lol.

we didnt speak for 2 weeks. he picked up my brother to come sleep at his place, didnt speak to me, and then would leave. i didnt know that what i wanted was for him to move back in for good. it wasnt reasonable, really. he wanted to date, i think he felt weird about it while living with my mother, and also he didnt have his own room, he was sleeping in a bunk bed with my brother. so i understand now why him moving out happened. but at the time i was so upset hed kept it a secret from me. i still think that was the wrong move. if hed been open about it, given me some time to adjust without springing it on me, it mightve gone a little smoother.

anyway, the night i spoke to him again. he was coming over to pick up trey again. i started crying and threw myself at him. i said i was sorry over and over. i missed him so much. i loved him so much. i just wanted him to be my dad again.

he just held me, and rocked me back and forth. he kissed the top of my head and said, "its ok, its ok." we stood like that for a long time, until i stopped crying. i met his new girlfriend that night. they showed me the room theyd prepared, a bed and everything, for my brother and i to share. it was the first time id ever had a place to stay at his house. before, i was sleeping on the couch, or, when my step-brother was in basic training, i got to sleep on his futon. it meant so much to me.

i miss him. ive missed him my whole life, it seems. missing him isnt new. but this is different. it feels like theres an empty pit inside of me that i was positive was bottomless, but its somehow gotten deeper.

[poorreputation]

You know what? I might just work on that SPN haunted duplex AU after this ResDogs fic.