#hating my damn life
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Went with my BF over to his parents for Christmas Eve / day and I am wishing I had just stayed home.
It’s not been a bad time by any means I just don’t do well around other peoples family’s during the holidays. It stresses me the fuck out and wears me down.
I have so much I’m behind on and I didn’t even get to visit my mum this year and I’m fully overwhelmed and just over it. Over being around other people, over being stuck not being able to go places without someone else driving me around.
The holidays just suck for me.
It starts off with my birthday being disappointing as fuck and then continues in a downward spiral until after new years and the years starts all over again same as the last year and the year before that and the year before that 🙄💀
#I can’t wait to go home#pls time go by fast so I can fucking leave and have a smoke#hating my damn life#depressed piece of shit
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Mostly Hiring manager, but HR manager and PR manager too
#elden ring#elden ring varre#white mask varre#varre#white faced varre#tarnished#tarnished oc#varre x tarnished#tw; blood#suggestive#no jokes or humor this time sorry#just Varre being Varre#I know I usually stick to humor stuff but this clawed through my brain like an eldritch horror#I actually hate 5/11 Varre faces I drew here but I did my best#sometimes homeboy is gonna look like a lil gremlin and there’s nothing I can do about it#but also those other 6 /11 faces are the best I’ve ever done so I’ll take it#never been more clear to me how I unconsciously push myself to do harder things#like we got crazy hand angles with defined knuckles and fingernails#we got the upward angle face that doesn’t look like shit#we got form fitting lighting that is passable#semi accurate fabric physics#did I not give a fuck about the BG#yes#but I’m here for Varre sex appeal not rendering bricks#also misericorde magically changes scale throughout the whole comic#lmao oops#most detailed environmental lighting I’ve done too#Christ the lengths I go to for deranged fictional men#at the very least I feel like the dialogue isn’t ooc#me fighting for my life to make sure Varre looks like the same damn character between each panel
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soap's whole deal being sniper and demolitions gets me going bc on the surface they sound so different but when you get into it, you realise it's bc soap's smart
sniping is all math; calculating distances and wind interference and bullet drop. something i think people overlook is he was listed as a sniper first so it can be implied that he's better at it than demolitions. he does more sniping in both campaigns than demolitions work; in capture or kill, ghost specifically calls on him to take down the aq snipers
and demolitions is math with a hit of chemistry; knowing what mixes with what, knowing how much to use, recognising environmental factors and adjusting accordingly. it's not just about the boom; so much work goes into contained/ planned explosions. especially when having enough power for a breacher charge and not bringing down the whole building is the difference between mission success and failure
the chemical bombs he makes in alone can't just be any old cleaners, they have to have the correct reaction to each other; he just knew off the top of his head what would mix with what to create what reaction. he would also potentially have to recognise them by sight/smell bc they would’ve been written in spanish
soap would also have to know architecture; recognising structural integrity and weak points so he knows exactly where to plant a charge to bring it down and how it'll come down
he has an incredible soldier's mind people just forget that bc he's sociable which itself is a skill
we know he tends to buck against orders he doesn't agree with like when he pushes back against ghost in capture or kill and shepherd when he tells them to release hassan
he gets closer to people and sees if he can trust them and that's when he follows them without question. really think about how he talks to alejandro and rudy; he asks about their home and alejandro's family and rudy's relationship with him. those aren't questions you ask a stranger after a few hours of knowing them. that's not even touching on his relationship with ghost
he also deliberately brings people of higher ranks down to his level; talking informally with ghost and giving him a shoulder punch, addressing alejandro (a colonel!!) by his first name and rudy by his nickname despite literally just meeting them. he personalises all of them and it’s in direct opposition to the reason most characters do that; it’s not due to insubordination or lack of respect, the more he respects and trusts someone, the more casual he is with them
he digs into people; he wants to know what makes them tick and that determines if he can one, trust them and two, follow their orders. once he decides that, he's the ultimate soldier; he bleeds loyalty which makes him vicious when that loyalty is taken for granted
he isn't naive or bubbly or insecure; he's an incredibly smart and aware soldier. he's aggressive and bloodthirsty and loyal and intuitive and i love him so much
#i cant believe i never posted the soap meta that got me twitter famous™️💅#as with damn near every piece of characterisation in this franchise soaps is only apparent in subtext and connecting tiny little dots#it is very easy to just pick up his surface personality and think thats all he is#but soaps not a sunshine character#hes not super friendly or bright#hes just willing to talk to people and hes paired up with ghost who never wants to start a conversation#every time i see soap presented as this bubbly airhead thats super sweet and just blows stuff up i lose a year off my life#and i dont blame people for getting this vibe from him but im begging you to look a lil deeper#this isnt getting into his anger or the fact that he is a soldier which automatically makes him a wee bit fucked up#like he is hyperviolent and takes joy in it#we all know ghosts snuff film joke but soaps the one who responds positively to it#he returns the joke and only calls him out on it when he says he wont watch it more than once and even then its teasing not grossed out#and if we take the ‘he tried to join the military at 16’ factoid from 09 as current canon then he very easily could have a rough home life#no one tries to repeatedly join the military early without having some kind of problems#soap knows his worth and his abilities you dont get to be as good and specialised as he is without being completely sure of yourself#we know ghost has an ego but soap constantly butts up against it with his own affirmations#‘you wanna be better than me johnny’ ‘maybe i already am/i will be’ ‘a little helps not so bad eh lt’#being a sniper makes me hate the ‘cant sit still’ hc hes literally an sas sniper he wouldnt be complaining after a few hours of overwatch#i like the adhd hc and maybe he fidgets in his day to day life but the second hes at work hes At Work#tldr soap could be just as complex a character as ghost if cod would stop treating their campaigns as an afterthought and actually commit#coming out of my cage and ive been doing just fine.txt#we’re a team. ghost team#talk meta to me#john soap mactavish#soap cod#cod mw2#soapghost#save post#call of duty modern warfare#cod meta
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Cool awesome reminder that you don’t need amazing technical skill to be a good artist/storyteller
#I still compare myself to other people but also like. Damn. What if I don’t need to#That’s literally what working with other people is for . so you can fill in for eachother and make an awesome thing :)#Reminder that Toby Fox is not a skilled visual artist LOL he makes concept art in mspaint#Ik He’s more of a composer / character writer but you know what I mean. He works with other people to bring those ideas to life#You don’t have to be good at everything !!#Txt#art#I say this because rendering pieces of art takes me dozens of hours and it’s literally so much work and I hate it sometimes#Ok then make a simple stylistic choice instead of doing a giant painting !! it will still carry the same or maybe even greater impact#I still want to make awesome giant beautiful pieces of art (illustration) but alas I don’t have infinite energy#I usually only make sketches instead and that doesn’t mean they’re unfinished. Maybe that’s just all they’re meant to be#Until I change my mind at least 🩷#Adhd#Honestly anything that gets your idea across is good enough. Depends on the idea
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i hate house md because immediately in s2 they’re like. i know the patient is flatlining right now. but here’s house and wilson fighting in the middle of the street like they’re in a mid budget rom com talking about how they need each other. this definitely won’t look gay at all out of context 😃
like. imagine just walking home after a long days work and seeing your cunty neighbor fighting ‘how to lose a guy in 10 days’ style with his boy best friend in front of your door bruh.
#i wish i could be a side character in this show so bad#just so i could witness the insanity that is their lives in real life as an outsider#sorry about the image quality… i try my best#house md#hilson#hate crimes md#sorry for posting sm btw this show is a parasite to me#never understood the true extent of a brainrot until i watched this damn show
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Ridonculous Race but Noah is friends with Owen part 9: Teamwork makes the dream work!
Don't you LOVE IT when Noah gets to play the stupid game? Don't you LOVE IT when Noah and Owen work together and Owen isn't left to do everything himself? Don't you LOVE IT when they mutually support each other and care enough about each other to give it their all??? Personally I love it when that happens
No transcript cause there's no dialogue. Instead have scrapped doodles for this part that I refuse to leave in the jail of the IbisPaint canvas
#total drama#total drama ridonculous race#total drama presents: the ridonculous race#tdrr#total drama noah#td noah#total drama owen#td owen#noah is friends with owen#Starry makes art#CAN I BITCH ABOUT THIS PART. ILL BE BRIEF PROMISE#the first picture was drawn in JANUARY. IVE BEEN TRYING TO MAKE THIS PART SINCE JANUARY#but I struggled for 2 reasons. 1: for the life of me I didnt know how it should end and 2: for the longest time I thought I needed to draw-#-a n//emma reconciliation. and my God did I dread drawing the damn reconciliation#WHICH I DID DRAW!! IT EXISTS!! BUT I DIDNT EVEN LIKE IT I DIDNT THINK IT WAS NECESSARY!! SO I FOUGHT FOR MONTHS OVER WHAT ON EARTH COULD BE#-A BETTER ENDING TO THIS PART. I DREW THE RECONCILIATION JUST TO TRASH IT. THIS PART HATED ME#but here we are. the ending to this part is a callback to the high five of the first episode but with so much more passion behind it#that's as good of an ending this part gets#I think the next part's the last one. I promise that one will go much smoother than this one
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My graphics tablet broke, my cell phone burned out and I only had my computer and a mouse. The desire to draw these two won and now my wrist hurts.
#I CAN'T USE TWITTER ANYMORE#DAMN IT 😭#sonic the hedgehog#amy rose#sonamy#sonic x amy#This was the first time in my life that I tried to paint like this#I want to cry#i hate painting#sonic#It was shit#I love these two so much#sth
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I personally don’t mind the reveal that Aegon the Conqueror was motivated by dragon dreams about tptwp/war for the dawn; I actually like it quite a lot. Mostly because I like how Aegon’s legacy basically becomes: the unification of the realm and its peoples (a wholly positive thing) AND the iron throne (which has become a symbol of war and destruction). Aegon brought the realm together, but he also created that stupid pointy chair. The irony is that this chair, made of swords from all over the realm thus being a representation of all the different peoples in Aegon’s new kingdom, is meant to be the symbol of peace and unity. But in the current story, it’s become the driving force of disunity. And now hundreds of years later, now that the real threat that Aegon dreamed of has actually arrived, the realm is much too focused on who gets to sit on the silly chair more than anything else. Which imo would fall in quite nicely with GRRM’s deconstruction of prophecy, how people interpret it, and the ripple effects from those actions.
#i know a lot of people hate it because they see it as grrm vindicating the targs or whatever#but like come on the targs are fantasy on steroids - magic powers magic looks magic pets magic swords etc.#of course there’s gonna be larger than life fantasy shenanigans with those people#they're just like the starks in that regard and how the starks were probs/def among the heroes of the long night#and the fun thing with aegon’s dreaming and the current state of westeros is that#basically the two people holding shit together are descendants who don’t even bear the targ name#which is so ironic given that tptwp is targ specific#asoiaf#valyrianscrolls#it’s why my personal want and belief is for dany- aegon the conqueror come again - to torch that damned thing
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Vanha Kauppahalli date: en full, a 2 minute 50 second masterpiece...
Primetime Panthers | 11.6.24 (x)
#aleksander barkov#matthew tkachuk#florida panthers#2425#the global series is a gift#“alright talk to me what do we got?” with the camera following behind them makes it seems like theyre spies doing reconnaissance#the start to a thriller where they got sent to finland stake out for intelligence#maffhew not even waiting for sasha to answer before hes asks about chocolate#“the purple one you always bring” maffhew has been charmed by sashas leaving choco in stalls as gifts when he comes back from finland huh#you can tell he says that with depravity of a man who finally realises he doesnt need to rely on his supplier he can get it himself now#“uh oh [laughs] okay... what is this?” maffhew was not prepared for all the food to already be ready for him he just hopped off a plane and#expected to have to wait more and did not and absolutely does not trust the situation in the same way you get romantic candlelit-dinnered#and youre like alright whats all this then whats your angle what are you doing#“this is salmon and rye bread 😄” “(with the eagerness to prove hes smart and engaged) so is that 👉” “(charmed) and so is that 🫱”#“ill try your favourite first” GURL RELAX OKAY SETTLE DOWN YOURE IN A NEW COUNTRY JUST CHILL MAN#“salmon and rye bread—thats the famous one 🤓” [sasha nodding along because he has to reassure maffhew but also hes in the middle of eating]#maffhew choosing the most inopportune time and you can TELL sasha is like [swallows quickly] because he wants to answer but also BIG BITE#“herring” “herrin' 🤠?” “eating all this her-RING” no notes#“is this just another salmon on rye bread” he says with hope because he likes salmon but also disappointment (he wants to try more foods)#“different salmon? smoked?” the amount of questions hes askijg because hes so terribly engaged he wants to know and sashas like [shrug]#he has to get an A+ in experiencing finland which is normal to want and possible to achieve#“i still love your country though” and sasha explodes into the mirthful grin ive seen in my life like he just won the damn jackpot#he speaks at 100 mph like please take a deep breath sweetheart youre excitement is papable but PLEASE#THE WAY HE GETS SO UNSURE WHEN HE MENTIONS BARKY HATES THAT FOOD WHEN HE LIKED IT SO MUCH#MAFFHEW YOU CAN GET A PASSING GRADE IN EXPERIENCING FINLAND IF YOU STICK TO YOUR GUNS I PROMISE#SASHA HELP A GUY OUT HERE MAN THROW HIM A BONE#SASHA ONLY LAUGHS AS MAFFHEW THROWS HIMSELF INTO A TIZZY OVER THIS YOU ARE SOOOOOO#the chuckle when sasha mentions he had runebergin torttu in school... id like to know what was funny there#we call out sasha for being too lovesick and laughing at all of maffhews “jokes” BUT HES JUST AS BAD???#“what the hell do i do with this thing?” MAFFHEW HAVE YOU NEVER SEEN MERENGUE IN YOUR LIFE???
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THIRTY-ONE DAYS OF GHOST ⛧ DAY TWO
the song that made you a fan — Spillways
“This is an elegy for the darkness that most people have inside. When you have a dam, spillways are the run-offs so the dam won’t overflow. That darkness inside us needs to find its way out,” — Tobias Forge
Job 10:1 "I loathe my own life; I will give full vent to my complaint; I will speak in the bitterness of my soul."
#ghost31#papa emeritus iv#user copia edits#the band ghost#user copia all tag#spillways#flashing gif#what is the footage so blurry for smh. supposed to be hd#this was the first song from ghost i listened to in full and what a fitting beginning#if i start to talk about how much it means to me i'll be here all day#it's with me for life this one#i feel like everyone in some way can get something from it#regardless of how serious or deep their personal situation is#there's always an opportunity for a bit of self acceptance#damn i said i wouldnt start doing this skdhbkjhds#i'll stop now but sending hugs to anyone who has ever found something in these lyrics or even just the word 'spillways'#extra love to those who have hated themselves because of the spillways of your soul#i hope you've found at least the beginning of peace with it#i have and this song was my beginning#..... even more love to autistic people lmao#ANYWAY. BYE.
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"I hate Kim Dokja because he's too much like me" <-forced to bear the sin of knowledge
#not a quote#kim dokja#orv#I don't actually HATE him lol#I just need him to Mind His Own Damn Business sometimes you know#& I'm stuck in the vicious cycle of disliking him for being so similar to myself & that even that is the same bc he ALSO hates himself#which ironically I'm most touchy about him killing Kim Namwoon. the character he saw himself in#also I'm being kept awake against my will by my dog (storming) so I'll regret this in the morning but well. what is life but regret#my posts#web speaks
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keeper of their aching hearts <3
vers w particles under the cut!
#zombie cleo#bigbst4tz2#scott smajor#wild life smp#life series#rose draws#damn i hate drawing aprticles thsoe look so bad but oh well#the idea for this drawing wouldnt leave me but coloring is my achilles heel...#this is NOT shipping those r her ride or dies#its so cute both of the creekings r intrinsically linked to cleo and ehr friends and aughhh
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im just saying that some of the people on this godforsaken webbed site would probably not survive watching siblings/young children interact irl
#do yall realize how little boundaries a five year old has bro#especially since they literally do not even understand the conCEPt of romance or sexuality????#fun fact me and my actual real life twin brother used to kiss each other on the mouth in preschool#coz it made all the other kids laugh and they'd dare us#and omg guess what? that was... wait for it... fuCKING NORMAL AND NOT AN ISSUE#yes i am rolling my eyes at the stupid bettertwin thing lmao#i hate the extent to which internet culture tries to make everything sanitized and adhere to RULES#that... dont even apply or make sense in the real world#“their tongues touched its TCEST--”#lmao they literally burst into tears five seconds later first of all#so if it is tcest then damn theyve got some relationship issues to work out i fucking guess#and also more importantly#holy shit touch grass#vent
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She loved khal drogo, named her dragon after him(which btw wtf no) enjoyed when he talked about raping westerosi women and taking children as slaves and then she went on killing "others" Because they were slavers, keeps jorah Mormont with her even though he was exiled because they caught him selling slaves but then exiles him the moment she learns of him spying on her! Oh man such a hypocrite, such a fucking hypocrite!
#anti daenerys targaryen#anti daenerys#my life is disaster in making at this point#and yet here i am#talking about Daenerys of all people#jorah mormont#game of thrones#i don't hate dany mind you#but damn she's a hypocrite
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DERANGEMENT (x)
commission link -> (x)
#shizaya#izashizu#izaya orihara#shizuo heiwajima#drrr#durarara#drrr fanart#durarara fanart#ladsofsorrow24#cw eyestrain#channeling all of my toxicity and bitterness into this one#i hate my life but damn i can draw...#anyway this is a tribute to that one yandere shizuo fic i read once on pixiv#i don't remember the title tho
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My name is [BRUTUS] and my name means [HEAVY] so with a [HEAVY] heart I'll guide this dagger Into the heart of my enemy
Something about having absolutely no choice in who you marry. About being literally forced by the law to spill blood - to accept this stranger as your husband over a man you truly care for or accept the fact that the man you love might die because you put him in danger. Something about risking becoming the wife of a man you've never even seen before a few minutes prior because you know anything would be better than putting your beloved in harm's way. Something about the trust inherent in that decision and in the way she speaks of it after. Truthfully, T'Pring doesn't know the captain and she doesn't know Spock. Either one of them could have taken her as their wife but she does know Stonn. She knows that Stonn will remain by her side no matter what. They made a plan together. They have an agreement which T'Pring believes will be upheld even though the plan changed with the arrival of Kirk. Stonn will always be there, always, and Stonn will be hers. Something about the language used around T'Pring: Ownership, subservience, non-personhood. T'Pring is an object that Spock can win. She cannot reject him, she has no say in the matter other than having Stonn 'claim' her instead. Even when Spock leaves after being very clearly rejected by T'Pring he says "Stonn, she is yours." as if despite her clear rejection he still owns her and is must formally 'give' her to Stonn. But the language T'Pring uses around Stonn is a break from that: "There was Stonn who wanted very much to be my consort, and I wanted him." Stonn who wanted very much to be HER consort and she WANTED him. The language here is very particular - It's not, for example: "Stonn wanted me to be his wife" - he is HERS. And she WANTS him. There's a mutual affection there and a strong trust - a trust which seems to be well founded since Stonn (though silent) stands by her side at the end of the episode. <- That might seem small but if Spock would reject her for 'daring to challenge' (again, the language is not 'because I don't want you' but more of an implied disgust at her having the AUDACITY to reject him) then it's not a stretch to assume that it'd be considered an insult in the TOS Vulcan society to NOT choose Stonn as her champion after a prior agreement. Anyway T'Pring was a woman in an impossible situation within a society which saw her as more of an object than a person and she wanted Stonn and Stonn wanted to be hers and she trusted that he would understand if she had to publicly pick someone else to ensure his life would be spared and he did understand.
#amok time#T'Pring i s....T'Pring she....-puts my head through a wall-#PLEASE read under the cut for my rambling about T'Pring in amok time pleasepleaseplease#tired of 'T'Pring is evil/a bitch' and VERY uninterested in 'T'Pring is a girlboss'#T'Pring is a person in a society which doesn't think she has the right to make her own choices who's in [love] with a man who [loves] her#back in what I'd like to think is implied to be a slightly subversive way in its mutual and fervent nature (whether the writers thought#this was a good or bad thing - who knows. We know better RIGHT??)#and yes I will stylize T'Pring's hair differently every single time I draw it HEHEHE#star trek tos#Spock#T'Pring#also of COURSE something something spock/kirk & stonn/t'pring parallels: To keep your beloved safe you have to force someone else to kill#theirs - not BC you hate him (you don't) but you don't love him either and why does HE get to have you even if you don't want him?? Why doe#he get to 'give' you to the person YOU chose?? It's not a hatred on a person level (which I wanted to portray with the 'brothers') portion#but a sort of societal embodying.#I will think about T'Pring not wanting to be 'the consort of a legend' every damn day !!!#They really could have laid it on thick in making her evil guys...T'Pau even makes a comment about Spock's 'vulcan blood is thin'#but all T'Pring says is that Spock is a legend and she doesn't want that for her life. She wants Stonn.#And you're gonna sit there and you're gonna tell her that she's wrong!??? Spock doesn't even want to be with her!! Why is she so hated!?#CAN WE FREE MY GIRL??? She did all that but it's being read in the worst faith possible!!#comix page#bea art tag#star trek art#She literally says the word 'FREE'...she's TRAPPED!!!
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