#in my au this lady is between 200 or 300 years old

[somnoir]

first time giving a prompt

deaged!Danny (may include Dani, Dan and/or Jazz too if you like) given to Themyscira to be raised by Kronos (Clockwork). They were given a vague reason (they either might end the world or save it. kinda like the PJO Great Prophecy "to preserve or raze")

cause a boy/s is/are involved. They get sent to be raised by Diana instead

i just really want mom!Diana to happen

god I love mom!Diana so much! I need this woman to just pop up to the watchtower with her own baby and tell the others to fuck off cause, BATMAN HAS HIS BABIES I HAVE MINE!

Percy Jackson themes? Let's go!

Children of Diana - part 1

Kronos was always a mysterious and frightening figure in their stories. The father that devoured their children upon a prophecy of a throne to be taken by his child. Five had fallen into his stomach, Hestia of the hearth fell first, whilst Hades was the last to be eaten. Only by Rhea's cunning did their youngest, Zeus, survive his father's hunger and grow to be king.

But Kronos never truly stayed dead.

He was time embodied, moving with every universe, even as he melted away from their world and into another.

Hippolyta told her stories of Kronos, along with how she wished for a child and how her love for one allowed her to make Diana out of clay and give her blessing of goddesses to be a mother to a blessed daughter. Diana heard stories from her mother of everlasting Kronos who's name shifted with worlds, with his domain of time. How the titan has moved past from his children and embedded himself into the stars.

Diana heard of his stories but never in her lifetime did she expect to be met with that same Titan.

Her first instinct was to bow, to greet this almighty titan with the proper etiquette. But Kronos only smiled at her, snapping his fingers.

One moment Diana was Louvre, then next she was beside her mother in Themyscira.

"Diana!" Hippolyta blinked, bewildered to see her daughter before the atmosphere turned tense, cold.

Once again, the Amazons were graces—perhaps even cursed—with the Master of Time's presence.

"Kronos." Hippolyta sucked in a deep breath, her stance going rigid as she prepared to greet and attack their guest. "My lord..."

"Progeny of mine," Kronos wore a purple rone that shadowed his face, with a body that floated from the ground. In his hand was a peculiar staff with a glowing blue clock. "I have no trust in my children but... You Amazons are more sensible and responsible than my brats."

"Except for Hestia. I would trust her but she is too close to them for my liking." He drawled, startling Diana.

Hestia was the eldest of the traitors, the first to be eaten. She was still referred to as a traitor and yet there is evident fondness in Kronos' voice.

"Nevermind that." Kronos waved it off, "Pandora has claimed that you are trustworthy—" THE FIRST WOMAN PANDORA?! "So I shall trust you with this prophecy. Especially, Diana... Wonder Woman. You will prove essential to the fulfillment of this prophecy."

Diana's body stiffened, unable to help but grab her mother's hand. Blessed as she was, Hippolyta squeezed her daughter's hand, comforting and reassuring before they nodded and waited for the prophecy...

Kronos was smiling.

"From the death of youth, a monarch shall rise,

To fall, and rise again with time's reprise.

Brother and sister by the throne will stand,

Balance to bring, or doom to command.

Should the path be dark, the stars will weep,

For the universe's fate, the king shall keep."

Diana's breath hitched. The prophecy was... It was scary. She couldn't fathom it. From the lines alone, there was a possibility of the universe's doom... But it involves a king of sorts.

What did that entail?

Kronos was laughing now. "Be wary, Diana of Themyscira... The High King of the infinite realms and his siblings will arrive soon..."

"The infinite realms?!" Hippolyta almost looked faint.

"Yes. The king, his royal siblings the prince and princess have entered a new cycle. Their oldest royal sister is currently regent and unable to raise them in the realms."

Diana cleared her throat, "My apologies, but why is the regent unable to raise her siblings?"

"Regent Queen Jasmine Phantom died long ago. She is a full ghost whilst her siblings are epitomes of balance, both living and dead. As they are still very much alive, being in the realms for too long during their years of development is unhealthy for their constitutions." He explained, glancing at his staff.

"It is time."

Again, Diana was startled and almost lunged forward for more answers before her mother squeezed her hand again. Her breath caught, glancing back at her mother who sent her a warning glare.

"I wish you the best of luck, Diana." Kronos smiled, almost softly, "You will do well to raise my children. I am in your debt."

All at once, Diana was suddenly the mother of three and someone the Master of Time owed a debt too.

Diana had not expected to find three children in her home. Yes, she expected to find three individuals, but she had at least expected infants. Not three children who's ages varied.

"Hello..." The middle of the three said, blue eyes, black hair, scrawny and small.

"Hello." She softly said, looking around her apartment before crouching in front of the children with the softest smile she could ever give. "I am Diana. Could you give me your names, little ones?"

"Dante." The eldest of the three, with blue eyes that flashed red, grunted.

"Daniel but I go by Danny." The middle smiled, then gestures to the toddler that clung to Dante. "This one is Danielle but she likes to be called Ellie."

The girl waved at her, rosy cheeks with blue eyes pile her brothers.

"Clockwork said we had to come to you because our sister couldn't keep us in the realms. We're sorry for the trouble." Danny grimaces, genuinely apologetic and clasping his hands together.

"I told that bastard that we didn't need to be deaged or anything. But no! He kept saying that we needed a vacation or whatever." Dante scoffed, rolling his eyes before adjusting little Elle in his arms.

Diana saw the discomfort on the eldest's expression as he tried to adjust his little sister in his arms. She offered her service to him, gesturing for Dante to give the toddler to her, bur she received a growl and a glare from crimson eyes.

One of the boys was the king of the infinite realms turned into a child. The prophecy had clearly stated that the king would be joined by his sister and brother, so the possibility of little Ellie being the king was void. So it was between the boys then.

"Don't be mean, Dan! Miss Diana is already trying her best right now. I'll tell Clockwork and Aunt Pandora that you're being mean to their favorite." Danny snapped, swatting his brother's shoulders.

"It is alright, your majesties."

"Oh!" Danny flushed red, "No need for that. You don't have to!" He insisted, "I'm not king at the moment since Jasmine demanded we were given a break... I just didn't think that a break meant going through a new human cycle."

Diana's eyes softened, so Daniel was king. "I see... I do not mind being your caretaker, little ones. I have friends who have children, and I have found myself rather envious of them. Truthfully, I never expected to beae children myself but... My mother lost the ability to have one herself, and yet she made me from clay."

Dante nodded, "We've heard of your story. It's quite beautiful how your mother loved you so much, even when you were nothing but a dream... But she managed to make you reality with that love. It's quite inspiring."

Danny soon explained, "Our mortal mother died many years ago. She and our father were ghosts, citizens of the infinite realms before my siblings and I encouraged them to follow through with reincarnation. We would have had our eldest sister do the same, but she is more stubborn than our parents." The fond smile on his lips was one tinged by melancholy and longing.

Diana realized that these children were ripped away from what they called home, forced by their own sister for their sakes. Immortal monarchs were thought to be all powerful, undying and never needing rest.

Diana herself saw it as such, with how Zeus refused to relinquish his throne, of how his siblings and children attempted to usurp him the same way he did with Kronos.

But the royals of the infinite realms seemed to be of a different breed. The dead who were once mortal, living, before time caught up to them and their existences were given to the realms. That humanity seemed to be what made the Ghostly royals to be so... Extraordinary. Because it was clear to Diana that the regent Jasmine loved her kingly brother and royal siblings with all her heart. Especially when she was willing to sit upon the throne, carry the burden of monarch, for a life time. All because she wanted them to be given a chance at happiness.

Diana has heard stories of the realms, of how the previous king, a tyran named Pariah Dark, was defeated. Phantom became king through conquest and it was rumoured he had still been a child, still alive and only half dead, when he was given the crown.

"Well then..." She cleared her throat, smiling softly. "I hope that you will be able to live comfortably with me, little ones. I will not force you to see me as a mother, but I will do everything I can to be a proper caretaker. I will love and cherish you the same way my mother and sister did."

That statement alone seemed to have affected the three, enough that Dante relaxed.

The second time Diana tried to take Ellie from his arms, Dante sis not resist. He carefully tucked his sister into her arms, showing her how she liked to be held.

Ellie giggled, reach up to her and nuzzling her cheek against Diana's chest.

"Adorable." She whispered, kissing the little girl's forehead before turning back to her brothers. "May I know how old you currently are?"

"Physically or chronologically?"

Diana chuckled, "Physically."

"I'm ten. Danny's eight and Ellie's two." Dante explained, pointing to them each whenever he spoke. "But chronologically, we're around... Actually, I don't know. Time in the realms and time here is different. It's also different from our earth. So..."

"Ah, no need to explain if it's too confusing. I understand that time flows differently for everyone. Let us just say that you've existed for a few centuries, yes? Keep it vague for everyone else." Diana grinned, already thinking of how Batman would be utterly perplexed by that.

"Well then, let us get you settled in, yes? Unfortunately, I only have one guest room." Diana frowned, cooing at little Elle that tried to wiggle our of her grasp, "I was planning on moving soon since this part of Paris is a little too loud for me."

A little white lie. She'd have to ask Bruce for help of finding a new space in a short time.

The three looked suspicious, skeptical, and already feeling guilty. Diana was quick to act, ushering them to their rooms, asking them if they've eaten and what they'd like for dinner if not.

Aside from a new place, she needed to acquire herself some parenting books. Yes. Lots and lots of parenting books, especially if her children were eldritch beings.

Maybe Bruce had more experience in that field.

No, Diana, do not think like that. You're a mother now.

Especially when she was the mother of three while Bruce was only parenting one child. Though said child was now a rather rebellious fifteen year old.

Masterpost

[ayittey1]

COCONUT CLASSICS

Fed up with the buffoonery and tomfoolery coming out of Africa. So I compiled a litany of the eccentricities and flat-out acts of buffoonery that I have come across in my research and work on Africa. Let me know which one you like the best. Enjoy.

In March 2017, Emmanuel Elibariki, a hip-hop artist, released a song in which he asked “is there still freedom of expression in Tanzania?” He was promptly arrested and his song banned from the airwaves. (The Economist, Oct 19, 2017; p.43).

The late president, Gen. Samuel Doe of Liberia summoned his finance minister – “only to be reminded by aides that he had already executed him” (The New York Times, Sept 13, 2003; p.A4).

In 2016, Uganda’s Parliament voted Shs68 million ($18,320) to cover the funeral expenses of each MP (Daily Monitor, Sept 15, 2016). Hand them over. I will bury them for FREE – with the Cutlass!

President Yoweri Museveni of Uganda wants to ban oral sex “the mouth is for eating” https://bit.ly/2ILs3RV

"Corruption is everywhere -- in the villages, wherever", Zambia's Lands Minister Gladys Nyirango acknowledged at a major conference on graft in Africa. Hours later she was SACKED. (Sapa-AFP, March 4, 2007).

A former minister of finance was found hiding – where else? -- in a coconut tree: “Zambia’s former finance minister, Katele Kalumba, was arrested and charged with theft after the police found him hiding in a tree near his rural home. Mr. Kalumba, who had been on the run for four months, is being charged in connection with some $33 million that vanished while he was in office (The New York Times, Jan 16, 2003; p.A8).

In Zimbabwe, the anti-corruption czar, Ngonidzashe Gumbo, was himself a bandit, jailed for 10 years for defrauding the commission of $435,000 (The Herald, March 12, 2015). https://bit.ly/2UCre4b

Zambia President Edgar Lungu is buying a new Presidential Jet fitted with a cutting edge military grade anti-missile defense system which fires lasers at incoming heat-seeking missiles (Zambia Observer, Oct 12, 2018). https://bit.ly/2UyS9ho

In Feb 2019, “The First Lady of Zambia, Esther Lungu, travelled to the US with a 25-man delegation to receive four fire trucks, which the Los Angeles Fire Department, had RETIRED from service” (Punch, Feb 7, 2019). Hopefully they did not fly back with the trucks!

When two coconuts fight . . . https://on.wsj.com/2PlEVzd

RWANDA: “I have caught you supporting rebels to destabilize my government. Take that! The border is closed!” (Delivers a sharp left hook). UGANDA: “Wui! . . . No, it is you who is destabilizing my government. Take that!” (Delivers a stiff upper cut). AU (the referee) is snoring zzzzzzzzzz and awakes: “I APPEAL to both of you to end hostilities!”  And goes back to sleep zzzzzzzzzzzzz https://bit.ly/2SO3Agh   https://bit.ly/2UzW39K

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Two journalists were arrested and charged with publishing false information for reporting that President Bingu wa Mutharika, had moved out of a new 300-room palace because he believed it was haunted. The two, Raphael Tenthani, who works for the BBC, and Mabvuto Banda of the newspaper The Nation, were reportedly taken in raids at their homes. Malawi newspapers and radio stations carried the ghost report over the weekend, quoting a senior official. Mr. Mutharika has angrily denied the reports, saying, "I have never feared ghosts in my life." (Agence France-Presse, March 16, 2005)

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Insecurity challenges heightened in Bayelsa State following separate incidents of kidnapping of four policemen and six other persons along Nembe waterways by gunmen suspected to be sea pirates. Sunday Independent gathered that the gunmen also seized a gunboat belonging to the Nigeria Police in an incident that occurred on Friday. Sources said the gunboat was escorting a barge owned by the Nigerian Agip Oil Company (NAOC) when the bandits struck (Daily Independent, October 26, 2014).

Coconut Eccentricities

Sudan

“Colonel Ibrahim Chamsadine was Sudan’s defense minister but was arrested and imprisoned in 1995 by Omar al-Bashir for opposing him. Later, the state claimed that he died in a plane crash on June 11, 2008. But he was found in a secret prison under a mosque in the Sudanese city of Omdurmanprison https://bit.ly/2YbKT9c

Mali

In March 1991, angry Malians took to the streets to demand democratic freedom from the despotic rule of Gen. Moussa Traore. He unleashed his security forces on them, killing scores, including women and children. But pro-democracy forces were not deterred and kept up the pressure. Asked to resign on March 25, he retorted: "I will not resign, my government will not resign, because I was elected not by the opposition but by all the people of Mali." Two days later, when he tried to flee the country, he was grabbed by his own security agents and sent to jail. From there, he lamented: "My fate is now in God’s hands."

Kenya

“President Daniel arap Moi has urged Kenyans to abstain from sex for at least two years to try to curb the spread of AIDS. . .Moi was speaking after the government announced plans to  import 300 million condoms to fight AIDS” (The Telegraph, July 13, 2001)

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Uganda

Uganda’s Agriculture Minister, Kibirige Ssebunya, declared that: “All the poor should be arrested because they hinder us from performing our development duties. It is hard to lead the poor, and the poor cannot lead the rich. They should be eliminated" (New Vision, Kampala, Dec 15, 2004). He advised local leaders to arrest poor people in their areas of jurisdiction.

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Soldiers teach wealth creation

BUSHENYI- Soldiers implementing the newly established operational Wealth Creation program have urged farmers to stop being afraid of working with them, saying they are not a colonial army that used to force people to do community tasks. The appeal was made at a meeting for the program’s southwestern army coordinators in Bushenyi District last week. The project replaced Naads last year. The meeting was organized by the Uganda Coffee Development Authority (UCDA) aimed at harmonizing collaboration between UCDA and coordinators to improve the quality and production of coffee (Daily Monitor, Feb 24,   2015)

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No fewer than 300 Nigerian soldiers FLED to Cameroon when Boko Haram insurgents overran Mubi, the second largest city in Borno State from security forces on Oct 30, 2014 (SUNDAY PUNCH, Nov 2, 2014).

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Kibaki

In May 2005, Lucy Kibaki, one of the two wives of President Mwai Kibaki, was hopping mad. She stormed into the Nairobi office of The Daily Nation, confiscated notebooks, tape recorders and pens. Brandishing a copy of the newspaper, Mrs. Kibaki, flanked by several security officers and the Nairobi police chief, Kingori Mwangi, demanded to know the whereabouts of a reporter who had written a story headlined “Shame of First Lady” that offended her. “I am here to protest, and I’m not leaving until I find the reporter who has been writing all these lies,” a witness said. Mrs. Kibaki then camped herself for much of the night at the desk of the newspaper's editor, unleashing a fury of broadsides at the staff. When a local television crew arrived, she slapped a cameraman. The problem was that she chose the wrong newspaper to unleash her full fury. It was the rival Standard newspaper that had printed the offending article, not the Daily Nation. (The Daily Nation, May 9, 2005). ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Nigeria

The Nigeria Security and Civil Defense Corps (NSCDC) has proposed to spend N5 billion on the procurement of anti-terrorism, chemical, bio-radiation and NUCLEAR weapon equipment and other new projects. Breakdown of the budget by Daily Trust reveals that N254.2m was proposed for the procurement of NUCLEAR weapon equipment, as well as N196.6m for the purchase of two BMW 900 RT, 374 Sinoki motorcycles, 200 bikes and 30 rider kits. Daily Trust, Feb 21, 2018 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Zimbabwe

Three people have appeared in court in Zimbabwe, accused of stealing a suitcase containing $150,000 (£117,600) of cash from the country's ousted president, Robert Mugabe. The suspected thieves allegedly spent the money on cars, homes and animals. A relative of the ex-president, Constantia Mugabe, is among the accused, government-owned media report. She allegedly had keys to Mr Mugabe's rural home in Zvimba, near the capital Harare, and gave the others access. The other suspects were employed as cleaners at the time of the theft, which allegedly happened some time between 1 December and early January (BBC Jan 10, 2019) https://www.bbc.com/news/world-africa-46830960 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Kenya

In January 2000,Kenya’s ruling party’s (KANU’s) gang of thugs known as Jeshi la Mzee (“the old man’s army”), attacked a group of opposition leaders outside parliament who were protesting against the resumption of IMF assistance. When the police were called to restore order, “It was the protesters, not the thugs, who were arrested” (The Economist, Feb 5, 2000; p.42). ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Zimbabwe

"In Zimbabwe, the thieves are in charge and their victims face prosecution" (The Economist, March 16, 2002; p.18). In 2000, Zimbabwe's Supreme Court ruled that invasions of white commercial farmlands by "war veterans" did not constitute a workable form of land redistribution -- a position, which was affirmed by a Commonwealth agreement struck in Abuja, Nigeria in Sept 2001. But President Robert Mugabe tossed the agreement aside, reconstituted the Supreme Court by packing it with pliant judges who then ruled on Dec 6 2001 that the violent land invasions were legal (The Economist, Dec 8, 2001; p.45).

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President Yoweri Museveni, who has been in power since 1986, was miffed in December 2017 when two Ugandan musicians suggested in a song that he should retire. The two were promptly arrested and charged with disturbing the peace of the president. “Singer David Mugema and music producer John Muwanguzi were accused of having composed and disseminated via the internet a tune titled “Wumula”, meaning “retire”, their lawyer Abdallah Kiwanuka told AFP” (Mail &Guardian, Dec 6, 2017).

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DR Congo frees goats from prison

A minister in the Democratic Republic of Congo has ordered a Kinshasa jail to release a dozen goats, which he said were being held there illegally. Deputy Justice Minister Claude Nyamugabo said he found the goats just in time during a routine jail visit. The beasts were due to appear in court, charged with being sold illegally by the roadside. The minister said many police had serious gaps in their knowledge and they would be sent for retraining. Mr Nyamugabo was conducting a routine visit to the prison when, he said, he was astonished to discover not only humans, but a herd of goats crammed into a prison cell in the capital. He has blamed the police for the incident.(Thank God, he didn’t blame the colonialists). It is not clear what will happen to the owners of the goats, who have also been imprisoned. BBC Africa analyst Mary Harper says that given the grim state of prisons in Congo, the goats will doubtless be relieved about being spared a trial. There was no word on what their punishment would have been, had they been found guilty.

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Traffic Drives Nigerians Nuts, but a Trip to a Shrink May Go Too Far Enforcement of One-Way Rules in Lagos Tests Motorists' Sanity; 'A Lot of Cannabis'

LAGOS, Nigeria—You'd have to be crazy to drive the wrong way down a one-way street here. At least, that's what cops in the local Anti-One-Way Squad say.

Seeking to stem an epidemic of wrong-way driving, Lagos authorities have ratcheted up the standard $160 fine. Scofflaws now also face psychiatric evaluations. Contesting the charge can jack up the fine to $1,600—and you still get sent to a shrink. The legal logic is simple, says Sina Thorpe, spokesman for the Lagos state ministry of transportation: If you violate one-way rules, "you should have your head examined." Threatening errant drivers with psychiatric exams, which locals deem more bureaucratic than medical, is a twist in the rough road of Nigerian traffic. Lagos bigwigs have long paid on-duty local cops to speed them through jams by riding shotgun with machine guns and menacing other drivers with bullwhips. Cut-price motorcycle taxis use thunderous horns that sound like 18-wheelers to frighten others out of the way. (The Wall Street Journal, July 27, 2011; p.A1

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Zambia: Zambia's Transport Minister, Nkandu Luo, acting to "improve sanity in the transportation industry" ordered all buses and taxis to be painted in same uniform color: Blue and white. The United Transport and Taxi Association (UTTA) who were not consulted on the move, claimed that the imposition of the colors "amounted to the worst form of dictatorship." "If they think it is such a good idea to have a uniform color, why don't they paint all government vehicles in the same blue and white so that they lead by example," UTTA member Mr. Bwalya Chupa complained. Passengers were not impressed either. "The buses should have been repaired before being smeared with a coat of paint," commuter Juliet Sefu opined. Rather than bring sanity to the transportation industry, most Zambians believe the Transport Minister has brought even further insanity to their already beleaguered transportation infrastructure (African Business, May 2001; p.13).

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Sierra Leone: The Sierra Leone Government is urging people to stop jeering and throwing stones at former military leader, Captain Valentine Strasser. A government statement said Captain Strasser had been embarrassed by people throwing stones at him and booing him when he ventured out on the streets of the capital, Freetown. "It is a great concern to the nation," the statement said (Daily Graphic, Accra, August 18, 2001; p.5).

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Uganda

Minister seeks to attract tourists: Uganda has sexy and curvy women   . .     . And coconuts too https://goo.gl/FXWsgi

Chad

The president built a moat around the capital to ward off rebel insurgency led by his relatives: “The government is digging a 10-foot-deep trench around the capital, Ndjamena, to prevent a repeat of an attack last month, when rebels in pickup trucks rolled in and fought two days of heavy battles. The ditch will all but encircle the city, slicing through neighborhoods and forcing vehicles to pass through fortified gateways, a security official said. The remaining trees that line the avenues of central Ndjamena are being felled. Residents say the rebels used trees knocked down by rocket-propelled grenades and cannon fire to block roads during the fighting” (Reuters reprinted in The New York Times, March 8, 2008). And who are the rebels? His own nephews and relatives. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Zimbabwe

Zimbabwean President Emmerson Mnangagwa has launched a space agency, hailing it a "milestone" as he campaigns ahead of elections at the end of the month. The Zimbabwe National Geospatial and Space Agency will deploy earth observation satellites, global navigation satellite systems, unmanned aerial vehicles, geospatial and space technologies for better farming, mineral exploration, wildlife conservation, infrastructure management and disease surveillance, he said in Harare https://bit.ly/2GZCq3w

Coconut Combat on Corruption

In Feb 2014 when Lamidu Sanusi, the former governor of the Central Bank of Nigeria, reported that some $20 billion in oil revenue was missing, it was he, the governor, who was immediately sacked by ex-Pres. Goodluck Jonathan for financial recklessness and misconduct! (BBC News, Feb 20, 2014) https://bbc.in/2Kb8rsE

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Paul Biya Fights Corruption? Don’t snicker; my head it splitting already! The man is holed up in Switzerland watching over his Swiss bank accounts! Holds a cabinet meeting every 4 years. In Oct 2018 he won a 7th 7-year term without even campaigning. He has already been in power for 41 years  https://bit.ly/2XWI4cG

Life in a coconut Republic

Liberia under Pres. Charles Taylor

“Wheel barrows serve as ambulances for the people. The public schools do not function; more than 70 percent of the population is illiterate. Yet, all government ministers have Ph.D.s – some even three or four – all purchased. At the University of Liberia, Charles Taylor offered 11,000 scholarships to his friends in 1997 but did not pay their tuition bills. Nor did his government pay the salaries of university professors and public school teacher . . . Liberia had a judicial system but Taylor named his friends who could not read or write to be judges and attorneys, and sentences were handed down on his orders . . . The capital has a fire building, painted bright red but its only fire truck has no tires, headlamps, or even a hose. Wires dangle from the engine. With no running water in the city, firefighters must jog or hitchhike to a creek three miles away to fetch water in buckets to put out a fire” (The Washington Post, Sep 9, 2003; p.A18). ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Nigeria

The late General Sani Abacha’s family thought they were smart. They hired Usman Mohammed Bello – a Sudanese from Karsala -- to look after their three children attending school in Amman, Jordan. Usman became a close confidante of Abacha with access to several coded foreign bank accounts opened by the late General. The family so trusted him that Abacha gave him diplomatic status in the Nigerian foreign office in Amman. He was also issued with both diplomatic passport number F317567 and a standard passport number A104786. Subsequently, Abacha was poisoned or died in 1998 from exhaustion from a Viagra-fueled sex orgy – depending on upon which version one believes. A short transitional government led to the election of President Olusegun Obasanjo in March 1999, who vowed to recover Abacha’s loot of about $5 billion from abroad. On October 1, 1999, Usman Bello vanished. A hysterical Abacha family appealed to Nigeria’s police and government for help in catching him! “Nigeria’s State Security Service from from (SSS) established that the Sudanese might have salted away millions of dollars entrusted to him by the Abacha family and may also be privy to other financial transactions of the family overseas, especially in the Arab world” (Weekly Insight, July 19-25, 2000; p.1). Only in a coconut republic would thieves appeal to the police to apprehend a thief! Even then, part of the Abacha loot that was recovered, was quickly re-looted! About $709 million and another ₤144 million were recovered from the loot the Abachas and his henchmen stashed abroad. But the Senate Public Accounts Committee found only $6.8 million and ₤2.8 million of the recovered booty in the Central Bank of Nigeria (CBN) (The Post Express (July 10, 2000).

Coconut Elections

Tanzania

The losing candidate lambasted voters, not his own incompetence, for losing an election: “The candidate of the Tanzania Labour Party (TLP), Augustine Mrema, did well in 1995 with another party, NCCR-Mageuzi, and less well with TLP in 2000. This time, he blamed the voters for betraying him. Mrema, a former home affairs minister who contested the 1995 elections as leader of his own party, chastised the voters for not choosing him previously. "I wonder why you have not given me votes to become president despite my impressive record as home affairs minister," he told a rally in Dar es Salaam broadcast live on radio and television. "I worked as deputy prime minister, which means I was boss to Mkapa and Sumaye, still you chose not to elect me president. Why? Some voters are hypocrites. They proclaim to support you but vote for other people. If you do not vote for me this time, you will have to explain." (Southen African News, Dec 16, 2005) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Nigeria

To return Nigeria to civilian rule, the late military dictator, Gen. Sani Abacha, allowed only 5 political parties to be registered in 1996 and participate in the forthcoming elections. They all promptly chose HIM as their presidential candidate!

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Rwanda: On August 25, 2003, Paul Kagame, leader of the Rwanda Patriotic Front (RPF), won 95.05 percent of the vote. His challenger, Faustin Twagiramungu, found his campaign stymied at every turn by government security forces. His rallies were canceled, his workers arrested and his brochures seized. On the eve of the voting, “police arrested 12 of Twagiramungu’s provincial organizers, saying they were preparing election day violence” (The Washington Times, Aug 28, 2003; p.A19). “In Twagiramungu’s home town, soldiers reportedly looked at ballot papers and ordered those who voted the wrong way to try again” (The Economist, Aug 30, 2003; p.32). Faustin Twagiramungu, won 3.62 percent and a third candidate, Jean Nepomuscene Nayinzira, had 1.33 percent (The New York Times, Aug 26, 2003; p.A6). In the 2010 elections Kagame won 93% of the vote and in the 2017 elections he won 99.98% of the vote! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ethiopia: May 2015 election the opposition did not win a single parliamentary seat. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In Ghana’s 1996 presidential election, opposition candidate, Col. Erskine did not win a single vote in his own constituency. In other words, he did not would vote for himself and neither did his wife and four children. He was livid. When he complained bitterly on a radio program, the electoral commissioner tossed six votes his way. Marriage breaker election. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Egypt

In Egypt’s March 2018 elections all of those who expressed an interest to contest either  disappeared or were thrown into jail. The main challenger was arrested and his campaign manager beaten up. The only candidate allowed to run was Mousa Mostafa Mousa. He was a strong supporter of the president. In fact, his own party previously endorsed the incumbent, Abdel Fattahh al-Sisi, who won 97% of the vote. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Zimbabwe

In Zimbabwe’s July 2018 election bore all the hallmarks of the long-ruling ZANU-PF party’s usual machinations. Voters included more than 1,000 people about 100 years old and older; four were even born in the 1880s. Emmerson Mnangagwa (the incumbent) won 50.8% of votes to 44.3% for opposition leader Nelson Chamisa. He scraped through by the skin of his teeth to avoid a runoff! Yeah right! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Congo DR The Mother of all Coconut elections took place in Congo DR on Dec 30, 2018 after being twice postponed. Vote in 3 opposition areas were postponed to March 2019. Rest of the country voted on Dec 30. The Electoral Commissioner declared Felix Tshisekedi, an opposition candidate, as the winner on Jan 15. There was widespread speculation that the incumbent, Joseph Kabila, had made a secret pact with Tshisekedi. The Catholic Church disagreed with the results, giving the nod to another opposition candidate, Martin Fayulu, who declared himself president. A nasty political crisis erupted which wend its way to the Constitutional Court. Awoken out of its slumber, the African Union with indecent haste ordered the Court to hold off and wait for its high level and high profile delegation to come to Kinshasa to resolve the crisis. And the Chairman of the AU seeking to resolve an election dispute? Prez PAUL KAGAME of Rwanda who in Aug 2017 tossed his political rival, Diane Rwigara, into jail and won 99.98% of vote in presidential election https://goo.gl/URjASb The Court told the AU to butt out and mind his own business. It went ahead and confirmed Tshisekedi as the winner. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Coconut Security Forces Mauritania

State news: Mauritania's president mistakenly shot by his nation's troops

(CNN) -- Mauritanian President Mohamed Ould Abdel Aziz, who came under fire from his own troops just hours before, took to his country's airwaves Sunday, saying the shooting incident was an accident. "I want to reassure all citizens of my well-being after the accident committed by an army unit on an unpaved road around Touela. ... Everything is fine," he said in an interview broadcast on official Mauritanian television. Troops shot the president late Saturday in what the government is calling a case of "friendly fire" -- though others believe it may have been an assassination attempt. Aziz's convoy mistakenly came under fire as it was heading back toward the capital of Nouakchott, the official AMI news agency reported. The gunshots came from a military unit stationed alongside the road in the west African country. http://www.cnn.com/2012/10/13/world/africa/mauritania-president-shot/index.html By Amir Ahmed, CNN, October 14, 2012 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Kenya

In Africa, most of the police are highway robbers and judges, crooks. Tell a police officer that you saw a minister stealing the people’s money and it is you he will arrest! Asked to investigate the brutal murders of Robert Ouko and British tourist, Julie Ward, Kenya police issued this report: “Foreign Minister Robert Ouko was presumed to have broken his own leg, shot himself in the head and set himself afire. Two years earlier, Kenyan officials suggested that a British tourist, Julie Ward, lopped off her own head and one of her legs before setting herself aflame” (The Washington Post, April 20, 2001; p. A19). ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ghana

The security forces can unleash the full force of their fury on unarmed civilians with batons, tear gas, water canons and rubber bullets. But how really brave are the security forces? On 16 December 1998, Corporal C. Darko and Constable K. A. Boateng at a Police Station in Accra, Ghana, were instructed to go and arrest Samuel Quartey, who was reported to police for being involved in a theft case. "When the suspect came out brandishing a cutlass (a machete), the police officers took to their heels with the speed of lightning that could have made an enviable record had they been timed" (The Mirror, 2 Jan 1999, 1). ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Soldiers on guard duties at the Ghana Broadcasting Corporation no longer guard an observation post behind the TV studios because of a ghost who slaps officers who go on duty there at night. In September, 1994, an officer on guard at that sentry came running to the head of security complaining of an invincible hand which had on two occasions pulled his helmet from his head and slapped him. The senior officer, unmoved by the soldier's story, decided to prove him wrong by manning the post himself. Within an hour, the senior officer fled to the office telling a similar tale, this time the ghost allegedly smacked him four times on the face (Ghana Drum, Feb 1995; p.33). ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Nigeria

On July 23, 1998, Colonel Anthony Obi, Osun State's military administrator, strutted pompously to deliver a speech at a state function  at Osogbo in the southwestern part of Lagos, Nigeria.  As the Daily Champion (24 July 1998) reported: "Panic stricken Nigerian officials ran for safety when first a rat and then a python, apparently drawn by the smell of the rat, made a sudden appearance. The officials leapt up from their seats when the rat, described as having a "long snout and offensive smell," appeared from beneath the carpet by the high table. Colonel Anthony Obi, Osun State's military administrator, and his entourage nervously returned after security agents intervened and killed the beast. (p.1) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Kenya

Ambushed by bunch of rag-tag cattle rustlers, Kenya’s elite presidential guards quickly surrendered. Johann Wandetto, a reporter for the People Daily, a newspaper in Kitale, Rift Valley province, submitted a story in the March 6, 1999 edition with the title: “Militia men rout 8 crack unit officers: Shock as Moi’s men surrender meekly.” Wandetto was immediately arrested and sentenced to 18 months in prison on what the court described as an “alarmist report” (Index on Censorship, 3/2000; p.99). ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Congo DR

Nor can the security forces shoot straight. When civil war broke out in the DR Congo in 1997, Chad sent in troops to help the regime of Laurent Kabila stave off rebel attacks. What happened? “Congo rebels said 93 Chadian soldiers were killed in an ambush by Kabila government troops who mistook their identities. Chad, one of the nations allied with the Kabila regime, insisted the toll was lower” (The Wall Street Journal, Nov 12, 1998, A1). ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sudan

And the mother of all security forces? When the African Union (AU) peacekeepers' base on the edge of Haskanita, a small town in southern Darfur, came under sustained rebel assault on Sept 29, 2007, they fled into the bush. “Ten were killed; at least 40 fled into the bush. The attackers looted the compound before Sudanese troops arrived to rescue the surviving peacekeepers” (The Economist, Oct 11, 2007; p.48) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hoisted by own petard

Ousted Mauritania leader in shock  

The former president of the West African state of Mauritania has said he was stunned by the coup that ousted him from power. Army officers overthrew President Maaouiya Ould Sid Ahmed Taya in a bloodless revolt on Wednesday. Speaking for the first time since the coup, Mr Taya said he had been shocked to find out who was behind it. He was toppled by the former security chief and close colleague, Colonel Ely Ould Mohammed Vall. "My situation reminds me of the old adage: 'God, save me from my friends, I'll take care of my enemies'," President Taya told Radio France Internationale from Niger. "I was stunned by the coup d'etat [...] and even more so when I heard who were the authors," Mr Taya said. President Taya, who survived a number of coup attempts in his 21-year rule, was returning from the funeral of King Fahd in Saudi Arabia when the coup took place. Col Vall, 55, has been director of national security since 1987 and, after played a key role in the 1984 coup which brought Mr Taya to power. Critics accuse the government of using the US-led war on terror to crack down on his opponents. Mr Taya had also prompted widespread opposition by establishing links with Israel, making Mauritania one of only three Arab states to have done so. The following presidents were removed by members of their own security forces: Ben Ali of Tunisia in 2011, Hosni Mubarak of Egypt in 2011,  Abdelaziz Bouteflika of Algeria in April 2019 and Omar al-Bashir of Sudan in April 2019. They never learn and keep spending more and more on security forces. In the end they are booted out by members of their own security forces.  Guinea

GUINEA: PRESIDENT ESCAPES ASSASSINATION ATTEMPT Guinea's leader, Lansana Conté,  survived an assassination attempt, his security minister said, after unidentified men in military uniforms fired on his convoy. Mr. Conté, 70, a diabetic chain-smoker who has no obvious successor and is rarely seen in public, later appeared on state television. Military officials said his bodyguards returned fire and foiled the attack. Security Minister Moussa Sampil said that an unspecified number of people had been detained. In his television address, Mr. Conté spoke of "external manipulations" against him but added, "Personally, I only fear my close aides, who pretend they are with me while they are not sincere." (Reuters, Jan 20, 2005). ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hundreds of marauding soldiers fired guns in the air in the streets of Conakry and other towns around the country on Friday, further threatening the ability of Guinea's beleaguered president Lansana Conte to govern. Banks, schools, markets and shops all closed at around 11.30am as news spread that heavily armed soldiers were marching into town, after talks between senior military officials and soldiers at a military base near the airport collapsed. "We want the leaders who stole our wages and betrayed us to step down," one of the soldiers marching in central Conakry close to the presidential palace, told IRIN on Friday afternoon. In the morning IRIN also saw presidential guards, distinguished by their red berets, in the center of the city. They were shooting in the air in what appeared to be an attempt to scare off the mutinous soldiers, but the presidential guards were outnumbered and eventually FLED! UN Integrated Regional Information Networks NEWS   11 May 2007

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http://www.punchng.com/news/mubi-battle-300-nigerian-soldiers-flee-to-cameroon-again/

Boko Haram has seized control of a Nigerian town after hundreds of soldiers stationed there reportedly FLED across the border to Cameroon, a police source said. "Boko Haram fighters moved into Ashigashya" overnight on Monday, where they slaughtered three people in front of a church, a Cameroon police source told the AFP news agency on Tuesday on condition of anonymity. “Almost 500 Nigerian soldiers FLED the Nigerian border towns of Ashigashyia and Kerawa to take refuge from Boko Haram fighters on Cameroonian territory” (Al-Jazeera, Aug 26, 2014) www.aljazeera.com/news/africa/2014/08/boko-haram-seizes-town-after-soldiers-flee-2014826181311739107.html

Islamist extremist group Boko Haram seized control of a Nigerian town of Malam Fatori, near the Niger border, after soldiers FLED, an official told the AFP. . . The fighting killed dozens and wounded about 30 people in the a commercial hub known for fishing and farming, the Anfani radio station in Diffa reported. “The town of Malam Fatori was taken by Boko Haram after violent fighting with the Nigerian army overnight,” said the official in Diffa. According to the official, 315 Nigerian soldiers FLED over the border to Diffa. Thirteen who were wounded were treated in a Diffa hospital, while the others have been repatriated (Today, Nov 10, 2014) HTTP://WWW.TODAY.NG/NEWS/315-NIGERIAN-SOLDIERS-FLEE-TO-NIGER-AS-BOKO-HARAM-RAIDS-TAKES-CONTROL-OF-ANOTHER-TOWN-IN-BORNO/

“NO fewer than 480 Nigerian soldiers have FLED into Cameroon following fierce fighting with Boko Haram insurgents. The Cameroonian Army Spokesman, Lt Col Didier Badjek, who confirmed this, said the troops had already been disarmed. (Cameroon Daily, Jan 20, 2015).

HTTP://WWW.CAMEROONDAILY.NET/2014/08/480-NIGERIAN-SOLDIERS-FLEE-TO-CAMEROON.HTML

Mercifully there is the Coconut Cure

In Dar es Salaam, Tanzania, there is a place called "the magic corner," where all and sundry, including politicians, come to be relieved or cured of their problems. "Even those top leaders of the government come to that tree," said Shabuni Haruni, a private security guard. "Yes, during the election." Upon the payment of a small fee, a traditional healer ("witch doctor") would take a patient to a huge baobab tree, reputed to be the abode of ancestral spirits. Patients remove their shoes, kneel in front of the tree with their eyes closed. At one session described by The Washington Post correspondent, Karl Vick, "Rykia Selengia, a traditional healer, passed a coconut around and around the head of her kneeling client. The coconut went around the man's left arm, then the right, then each leg. When she handed the coconut to the client, Mussa Norris, he hurled it onto a stone. It shattered, releasing his problems to the winds." (The Washington Post, Nov 12, 2001; p. A21).