#hardest thing I've ever had to learn in life

[fenniefrost]

I think one of the hardest things in my life is having so much love and respect to others to the best of my ability. And knowing, through painstaking hardship and abuse, that for certain people, no amount of love, care, understanding, or respect towards them will ever make them treat you the same in return. No amount of love or attempts at understanding will be enough for certain people to heal, grow, or change their ways.

There are some people who exist, that no matter how much you give them unconditional love and respect, will still believe they should have the right to hurt you or take your rights away. And honestly, I will never understand. Their attempts to turn me into someone hateful/fearful like them never broke me, and I still believe in the hope that love exists. The only thing that changed was that I love myself enough now to not tolerate them hurting me anymore. And I hope anyone else with a kind heart also finds peace knowing you weren't the problem. You tried your best. And you deserve to be treated with kindness too.

[onlycosmere]

Brandon Sanderson on the length of Wind and Truth

PumkinFunk:  I appreciate Brandon being self-aware about the fact that he will struggle immensely to keep the word counts down for this series.

KiwiKajitsu: If only he had a better editor

PumkinFunk:  I know this has become a common criticism since Rhythm of War after Moshe Feder retired, but I don't think it's true. One of his editors for his books is Devi Pillai, the head of Tor Publishing Group. The Secret Projects were edited in-house and generally were good. He has a lot of people giving him feedback, both in-house and outside.

jmcgit:  If Brandon wanted to work on revisions for an extra 6 months to refine and streamline the book, he could do it. This is a Brandon thing, not an editor thing. What was Brandon working on up until the last minute before he had to turn the book in? He was working on making the book bigger, squeezing in more content that he wanted to add. Brandon will tell anyone who asks that he likes to write, and dislikes revising.

When an author gets big enough, the publishers and editors lose their ability to rein in the author or make certain demands. Brandon will do what he wants, and if Tor doesn't like it, they can cancel his contract and Brandon can self-publish.

Brandon Sanderson: I realize it's difficult to see behind the veil of publishing, and much is opaque, but this isn't what I was doing during the last few months--I was cutting the book significantly. However, rough draft didn't include Interludes or Epigraphs, which is why it got longer after I cut it down. This draft lost over 60k words, but then I added in the interludes and epigraphs (along with a few key scenes I decided were needed.)

So, let's be clear about a few things. No editor has ever--in my life--cut my books down. It's not what they do. They largely haven't suggested it. Every editor, Moshe included, has always suggested things to change or add--they don't do much trimming. That's all my job, and always has been. Yes, there is a line edit, which does help trim--but I haven't stopped taking those suggestions, and usually go much, much further on a page-by-page case than they suggest.

I dislike revision, which is important for me to explain because I want people to understand that even for someone who loves their job, there are parts I don't like. But I DO it. I do A LOT of it. It's the part I have to force myself to do, but I am very good at it--and if you follow my stories about learning revision, you'll find that I very clearly explain that I didn't get published until I mastered the thing that was hardest for me. I consider my it, perhaps, my greatest strength as a writer--my ability to look at feed back and apply it to improve books.

If they get long, it's not because I've lost an editor. Moshe's strong suit was always diction, not trimming--and Gillian (who does that job now) is quite accomplished at both. She's Joe Abercrombie's editor.

I realize it's odd, because "to edit" means to trim, but an editor doesn't usually trim books--they offer suggestions for changes on the larger scope, and sometimes do a line edit pass to clarify.

Stormlight books are not big because I can't stop writing. You can pick any number of my shorter novels and see I'm quite capable of doing something at a normal book length. Stormlight books are big because that's the art I want to make--and they are not, and never have been, out of control. I am perfectly willing to accept that the story I want to tell has not appealed to some in the last installments! But don't blame my editors. This is an artistic choice of mine, and their job has never been to change the art. I get the same amount of editing now as I ever have--and I take largely the same amount of their feedback.

Note: don't take this as a direct condemnation of you or some of the things /u/KiwiKajitsu said above. It's more that I want to be very clear about my goals, and the process. My stance is one of explaining, not arguing against your opinions, as those are valid and perfectly reasonable ones to hold.

I realize that a long comment reply isn't the best way to prove I can be brief, but I sincerely think the trope of "He got big so he lost the ability to be edited" is not one that I fall into--I am, if anything, the most edited person at the industry, and see more criticism and feedback of my books prepublication than any other author. Editors and beta readers collectively wrote some 800k words of feedback for me over the last two years, which I incorporate. Not just the, "Add this" but also the "this sequence feels slow or unengaging." I am extremely passionate about listening to, and incorporating, editorial feedback.

It's fine to not like what I do. But don't blindly make the argument that I write it, kick it out the door, and don't pay attention to the revision process while ignoring editors.

jmcgit: Hey Brandon, I appreciate the insight! I regret that my post may have come off as if you carelessly "write and kick it out the door", as I know how hard you and your team have been working on the book over the past months and years, and how passionate you are about getting it right.

Brandon Sanderson: No problem and no offense taken! I just see a lot of confusion about these things.

I am edited far, far more now than when I was when I started and nobody cared. Though, admittedly, I think the most editorial scrutiny I ever got was on A Memory of Light a decade ago. I probably get less now, but I also have way more extensive beta reads.

It's just a complex process. And, you also ARE right in your initial post that I could go over it again and again, and some authors do. I'm middle of the road on the number of revisions I do, by my experience. Not as many as someone like Pat R. does. More than a lot of authors. I do not subscribe to the Heinline philosophy of only editing when required by contract that is very popular these days. (This philosophy believes that your initial artistic instinct will be right, and you shouldn't undermine it later on. I am not a fan, even if some people I respect follow this philosophy.)

Anyway, your initial post wasn't far off; I just wanted to offer some more context for this thread.

[fresne999]

Half way through the journey of our analyses

I feel like roughly half of the analysis I'm reading about OFMD S2 is folks who clearly fixated on a character (it's Izzy, it's always Izzy that inspires this kind of analysis) write analyses that cause the 2nd response of, "Um…did you ever study literary analysis in school."

Now I come at this from a slightly odd place in that I did study literary analysis in school (30+ years ago) where I learned it's possible to interpret anything about any way, because we're all bringing different lenses to the analysis. Which isn't to say that an author can't have an intended interpretation. 

Dante in Canto V of Inferno (Divine Comedy) would still like folks to understand fixating on the two damned-lovers and ignoring the details that the artist is putting in there for you to catch about how they are damned because they won't change the toxic patterns that got them there in the first place. Also, they can't because they are in hell, and hell is like that. That Dante-the-writer had Dante-the-character swoon over those same two damned-lovers (because Dante-the-character is on a journey of moral correction) is hilarious, but doesn't make it any less the point of that section of the work, but I digress.

As a career, I am very aware that folks love to misinterpret what is meant to be very clear instructions. Of course, I'm writing policies and procedures, which is a bit different from writing fiction, and is worlds away from creating a t.v. show. But that's the life experience that I always bring to literary analysis. Frequently, people choose their interpretations to fit what they want to see, and that's part of being human.

I've seen a fair number of folks interpret Izzy's redemption arc in S2 as one of a queer man struggling with disabilities and mental health issues whose struggle is made meaningless by his demise. Which sure, you could interpret it that way and in that it's coming from I'm sure an emotional place, I get it. And hmmm… I might give this interpretation more credence  if I hadn't read a lot of Izzy analysis for S1 that was wildly different than the text.

So let's take a step back. 

First, know the rules of the literary universe: OFMD is a show where the reality is not ours. It is either the Core Universe or something very close to it. BTW: If you've never heard of Core Universe or read the seminal BtVS+HtLJ "When Hellmouth's Collide" (https://www.ltljverse.com/index2.htm), a Core Universe is one where everything lines up. Row boats are magic, and where there is a Badminton, he will accidentally stab/shoot himself. 

Terminology more befitting of that fancy literature degree might be to say that OFMD functions along the logic of Magical Realism. Characters will appear briefly for the purposes of the story and then disappear not to be mentioned again (Nana, Calico Jack, Mary Read & Anne Bonny). Things align because they are meant to align. It is a universe where the Gravy Basket is a real place, and meant to be taken seriously.  It's also a universe where a man may become a seagull, because he loves the sea. You change for love, but the ways you change may be positive or toxic. 

They can result in a bird that never gets to know rest. Always flying over the sea. Or they lead to becoming a bird, who can float in the sea or land on a unicorn's leg. 

Transformation. 

Anyway, S1 - Stede commissioned a ship with secret passageways. It did not have a buxom mermaid on the prow, nor something more befitting a ship named the Revenge. He commissioned a unicorn prow and went off to become a pirate. 

A not particularly violent pirate. But a pirate who didn't have a problem with the violence of piracy. See Stede telling Lucius (hardest working man on the ship in S1) to take notes during a violent raid where the show's logo was literally carved into the chest of a dead man. 

BTW: The tone about violence is darker in S2, but the violence was there in S1. It was just presented in a more whimsical way. The nose jar was full of noses in S1. We heard about Blackbeard's violence. A man was skinned alive off screen, but we focused on the Prussian (but also sort of French) party. 

What Izzy needed to be redeemed from was established in S1. The problem is that folks who interpreted Izzy as a) the central focus of the show and b) a put upon manager just trying to do right by his crew (or as one Tumblerina referred to him as the man/father of the family going out to hunt - excuse me while I vomit - and support his family as men must do), are not going to understand what Izzy's S2 arc was all about. 

Ed and Stede are the main characters in a romantic story. There are other characters with their own arcs, but they are the main characters.

In S1, Stede created a safe space where characters had a chance to breathe for the first time. Possibly ever, and as a result revisited parts of themselves they'd lost. Wee John got back in touch with his roots as the son of a seamstress. Frenchie got back to what he loves, scamming the rich. The Swede sang like a siren of the sea, because it doesn't always have to be scary. 

Ed had his first good time in years. After expressing suicidal ideation to Izzy because of his terminal boredom in S1.E4 - Discomfort in a Married state, Ed found himself some balance. Some sweet marmalade. 

Ed and Izzy were in a toxic relationship that only reinforced their toxic behavior. And yes, I'm going to overuse the word toxic. While piracy is a place where you can go be yourself and shag whoever you want (whatever happens at sea stays at sea), it's not a place where you can be soft. Gentle. Emotionally open. Available. 

Ed's only path out that he could see at the time was to plan to skin the face of the man who built a ridonculous boat with a unicorn on the prow and wear it for the rest of his life. A plan to send Stede to Doggy Heaven. 

BTW: This is why Izzy uses the line in S2.E3 - the Innkeeper, that they put Ed down like a mad dog, so that Stede could reply that they sent Ed to Doggy Heaven. Reiterating this concept of piracy as violence, as taking away faces / identity / lives, but also losing one's own. Forgetting even what day of the year it is. Also revealing that Stede knew about Ed & Izzy's plan to murder him, send Stede to doggy heaven, and had moved on. 

This is also why the respite in S2.E4 - Fun and Games is so critical. Mary Read/Anne Bonney are portrayed as direct parallels to Stede/Ed. They are selling what are, no doubt, the spoils of their piracy. But they've chosen a remote location with no community, but each other and a life where they are not actually communicating. Which on its surface is where Ed and Stede end up, and yet…the Revenge can sail back. They are on the shore facing the sea, not in a jungle lost from a clear view. I'll quote the relevant Dante in just a bit, never fear.

Ed and Stede's new inn has the potential for a solid foundation, because the unicorn has been planted firmly in the ground, and if we get an S3, I firmly expect the unicorn leg to have transformed into a tree, because I've read a lot of medieval literature and that's how that sort of thing works. 

Well, it could be a penis tree (this was a thing in medieval marginalia), but somehow I don't think it will be. 

 But I'm getting a little ahead of myself.

Back in S1, the plan to murder Stede and take his identity broke down despite Izzy trying to perform an intervention to get Ed back into the toxic soup, and ended with Ed curled up in a bathtub and opening up about murdering his father. An image the show chose to flash on the screen multiple times in S2 just in case folks forgot that this was a traumatizing event for Ed, and was itself the culmination of years of traumatic abuse at his father's hands. 

Just as Stede kept flashing back to the moment his father tells him what it is to be a man, and kills an animal, the blood splashing on Stede's wee little face. 

That this is the point of the show. Transforming past trauma. It's there. You always carry the scars. Sometimes, you decide to tattoo yourself with the image of the thing you fear, and then the thing you fear is always there, but you've got to keep moving forward. To stay in one place, to stay trapped in the same emotion/action, is hell. I've read a lot of lit crit of Dante's Inferno. Trust me, it's the same thing.

Izzy's redemption arc is firmly based in the events of S1E6 - Here Dragons Be, because it's where the pustule of his relationship with Ed breaks. His attempted intervention fails to get Ed to kill Stede, so Izzy tries to kill Stede. Not realizing that a) Stede is a main character and b) this is a Core Universe show. Where it's possible to win a duel by being stabbed in the left side of your gut and stay there for many hours and not die. So he loses the 1 thing that defines him, his job. 

Izzy's redemption arc is firmly based in the events of s1E8 - We Gull Way Back, where he enlists Calico Jack to lure Ed off the boat (with all the toxic masculinity that entailed) so that the British could show up and shoot the head off the unicorn, and kill Stede. So Izzy can crawl back into his old patterns / job / life. 

Izzy's redemption arc is firmly based in the big drama confrontation in S1E10 - Wherever You Go There You Are, when as a person whose entire identity is tied up in being Blackbeard's First Mate and after realizing that he couldn't cut it as a captain on his own, he does whatever the f- he can to get Ed back into the toxic soup so he can get his old role/job back.  

This isn't to say that Ed's off the deep end actions in S2.E1&2 aren't his own choices. He is a main character. His emotional arc is one of the driving forces of the show. But they are the choices of a man who wants to die. After a lifetime of violent action that had been increasingly drowning him, he wants to die in the violence of battle, but the enemy are never good enough. He wants Izzy to kill him, but Izzy won't. Until he does…sort of. He wants to die in a storm. He's carving notches on his wall hoping to lure Ned Low to him so that he can die in pain. But Ed is the devil and does not die.

Except Ed's not the devil. He doesn't have a head made of smoke. He's a man. Not a fisherman. Not a fisher of men, and what an interesting attempt to go Christ himself off into the wilderness only to be fired for not being that good at it, and then receive his letter from the deep. 

Because in a show full of magical realism, the bottles with messages will reach the intended recipient eventually.

"In the middle of the journey of our life, I came to myself in a dark wood for the straight way was lost. Ah, how hard a thing it is to say what that wood was. So savage and harsh and strong, that the thought of it renews my fear. It is so bitter that death is little more so. But to speak of the good that I found there, I will tell of the other things I saw…and like one with laboring breath comes forth from the deep onto the shore, who turns back to the perilous water and stares, so my spirit still fleeing turned to gaze upon the pass that has never left anyone alive." Dante, Canto 1, Inferno. 

Instead of dying, Ed goes not to Purgatory (sorry I'd quote the opening lines, but Inferno actually works better here), but to the Gravy Basket, where he confronts the spirit of Hornigold. Dead spirit. Aspect of Ed's self. Both. Neither. Hated. Self. Unkillable. 

Is saved by a goldfish incarnation of Stede. 

But just as the imaginary as Stede's vision of what / who he thinks he needs to be for Ed, this is not true. Life being what it is, Ed and Stede rush when they need to go slow. They break apart because they are saying words, but the other person is hearing based on their own interpretation. 

BTW: The clue Dante-the-writer gives the reader in Canto V of Inferno is how one of the damned lovers, Francesca, explains how she hooked up with her brother-in-law, Paulo. She describes reading an Arthurian romance. She and Paulo kissed when Gwenevere and Lancelot kissed in the story. Except the version they are reading (and Dante tells the reader which version this is) was intended as a cautionary tale. Also, Paulo and Francesca were real people who were murdered by Francesca's husband when he caught them together. So there is that too.

I always like it in fiction when characters misinterpret each other because they hear based on their life experiences and don't hear the things that are said/unsaid based on the life experiences of the other person speaking. That's good writing. It's also how we end up with wildly varying interpretations of works of fiction.

But I digress.

Izzy's S2 arc is that he must let go of his relationship with Ed and turn to others. He must learn to let go of toxic masculinity and let in softness. Not weakness. Water is not weak, but it is soft. Calypso, goddess of the sea, is not weak. Her birthday is whatever day you need it to be. She is vast and deep and soft and relentless. 

In Ro-sham-bo, it's a shame that there is not a gesture for water. Because it is not paper that defeats stone, but water that wears away the stone. Of course, scissors wouldn't do much to water either, so that would sort of break Ro-sham-bo, so I suppose it must stay as it is.

It is through a craft's project that the crew of the Revenge find healing. Turn Izzy into the unicorn. A unicorn that Izzy's own actions caused to be decapitated with a British cannon ball in S1. That Izzy rendered legless (drunk). But the Revenge is a boat. They just need to swim/sail. It is through a craft's project that Izzy is able to offer healing to Lucius, who in turn is then able to turn their art away from fixating on Ed, and the trauma that he's been through and back towards love, and Black Pete. 

But it's not possible to see Izzy's S2 arc, if you didn't interpret S1 Izzy as needing to go through his own gravy basket. 

That Izzy dies because his transformation is necessary. He can't leave Ed, and if he doesn't leave Ed, then Ed can't stop being Blackbeard. The kracken. He literally tells Ed this as he chooses to transform. To free the world of Blackbeard, so Ed can be Ed. Yet, I've read so many posts by folks saying, "But why did he have to die?" Which sure, you can choose not believe what the character says while dying.

Which is a narrative privilege. To get a good dying speech. "There he is" get to be transmutted from an attack to an actual seeing. The larger than life concept of a smoke headed pirate can waft away.

Stories are hard to kill. They live on long past us, and as long as someone is remembered, especially in a universe like OFMD, we live. 

Though always reject the gift of a clock. That's someone telling you that you've only got so many hours left of life. If you are a character in a story. 

Thus the other parallel in this season is Izzy to Auntie and Ed to Zheng Yi Sao. Auntie must allow Zheng softness. Izzy must go through a sea change to something new and strange. Also, this would be a case of Doylistically the writers needed to line up Olu with Stede for that to work, and thus the new configurations of Olu and Jim's relationship, which, shrug, could be poly. Could be friends to lovers to friends.  Woulda, coulda, had more time, but that's on Max for not giving us 2 more episodes.

Prince Richard was trying to become a concept, but was too in love with the mechanics of it. Stede was trying to become a concept too. Found his fame, and all too quickly the toxic end of that particular route. Magical Realism was on his side until he tried to face down Zheng Yi Sao, the Queen of Pirates, and then the rules of the story weren't. Because those clocks were ticking. Everyone was in a very dark wood. The memory of blood splashed on Stede's face as a little boy was a warning. It was a reminder. It was the wrong lessons we take from our childhood and must unlearn to become whole.

Having the final shot of the show being Buttons landing on the unicorn leg as a reminder that this is a show about transformation. One thing becoming another thing. Somewhere the dead are dancing in Calypso's court. A dance below the sea and on the sea and with the sea. While the living keep sailing on their magic ship to do…I don't know. 

Because the Golden Age of Piracy is coming to an end. They'll go create new worlds and new places to be. Transforming.

If we get no more of the show, this is a resolution.

Since I've been quoting Dante, I'm going to end this with the final vision in Paradiso. Because folks who haven't been reading my analysis for the last 30 years / read it, may not realize that the Divine Comedy (a story that begins in sorrow and ends in joy) ends with the vision of a 3 way rainbow. 

"In the profound and shining Being of the deep Light, three circles appeared, of three colours, and one magnitude: one seemed refracted by the other, like Iris’s rainbows, and the third seemed fire breathed equally from both. O how the words fall short, and how feeble compared with my conceiving!…Power, here, failed the deep imagining: but already my desire and will were rolled, like a wheel that is turned, equally, by the Love that moves the Sun and the other stars."

[eustasskidagenda]

Hello! I love your writing! May I request some fluff with Kid, Killer, Mihawk, and Buggy where their s/o who has little cooking experience tries to surprise them by cooking something for them? Whether the food be good or bad is up to you! Thank you and have a good day!

Hi hi! Sure, always up for some fluff and I'm so happy to receive a request with Killer, I love this guy. ♡ Thank you so much for requesting. I hope the outcome will match your expectations. ☆

☆ Kid, Killer, Mihawk & Buggy with a s/o who has little cooking experience

CW :g/n reader, funny, fluff, Kid has a filthy mouth 

WC : 1,4k

Kid 

"It looks like shit. I won't put that in my mouth." 

Kid is a sassy brat because this man is able to burn the water. Spaghetti with garlic, oil, and red pepper flakes is probably the only thing he can cook. Yes, Killer's favorite food. But he won't ever admit that he learned that just for Killer, obviously. He needs to keep his jaggy-attitude, as the good angry punk he is.

Kid knows you have little cooking experience and had tried to eat what you cooked, but he ended up almost suffocating and dying on the ground. He made a promise to himself to only eat Killer's food. And we all know Kid is stubborn. He won't change his mind: you almost killed him, he will never eat your food again.

But then, he notices your sad face, wet puppy eyes and all the effort you put into the meal. And, it’s his favorite food: cabbage rolls. Okay, now his heart is melting, but of course, he won’t admit it.

"Well. It looks like shit but… it doesn't smell that bad." With a heavy sigh, he rolls his eyes and sniffs the plate like a fearful dog. 

He stares at you, suspicious, before planting his fingers on the cabbage rolls, watching if there are no bugs or whatever. Yes, he's been suspicious, petty, and he doesn't give a damn. "It looks… okay I guess." 

Actually, he's confused. That food looks like it's comestible. Perhaps it's a trap. He should wait for Killer to taste it first. Or just stuff those cabbage rolls into your mouth: if you don't die or cough, maybe he'll try it. 

"You know, if I die because of this food, I'll come back to life to avenge myself," before grabbing the cabbage rolls and eating an extremely small slice.

He's sweating, convinced that the nice appearance won't make up for the terrible taste. But… actually… it's… good. Like, he's not dying or suffocating on the ground. He doesn't even need to go to the nearest bathroom. 

"Can I have some more?" After eating the whole plate and almost licking it like a starving person. He doesn't like to give compliments, but do you remember the scene at Udon camp where he was eating? Right now, it's him. So clearly, he likes what you cooked.

Kid is not a man many words and "thank you" doesn't exist in his dictionary. Although he would notice all the efforts you made and even the cuts on your fingers, the words are simply stuck in his throat. But, he would kiss your forehead and smear his lipstick on it. And later, he would leave a handmade metal gift of your favorite flower or animal, as a 'thank you'. Gifts are a way for Kid to show his love. 

"You know what, I've changed my mind. Now I'll also eat your food." With his usual gruff voice and a flustered expression.

Killer

Killer is way nicer than his captain. Quality time is definitely his love language. So if you cook something for both of you, he's honored, truly happy and probably melting inside. The outcome doesn't matter that much. The intention already means a lot to him.

Let’s assume the outcome is not that good.

"Hm, Y/N, that seems… interesting. Really al dente." While observing the carbonized pasta. 

Even without his mask, he's good at hiding his expressions. He's probably laughing because of the SMILE, but actually he wants to cry. He feels truly happy when you try your hardest just for him, but on the flipside, he knows it won't taste good. 

Why him? Is dealing with a brat like Kid not enough for his poor soul?

If he gets sick from this food, who will keep an eye on Kid? He can't take a break with that hot-headed captain. Otherwise, the crew is doomed. 

But he wants to please you, so he will taste it. And even finish the entire plate. Even if it was bad. You tried your best, just for him, all he can do is finish his food. However, he is not dishonest. "That wasn't very tasty, sweetie... But you tried your best to please me, thank you for your time. Maybe we can cook together the next time? I'll teach you some tips." 

Finally, it's a win-win situation: thanks to your limited cooking experience, he has a good reason to spend more time with you. He’s already excited to teach you some recipe.

And as the educated guy he's, Killer will of course make the dishes himself, clean up the kitchen and thank you with a soft kiss on the corner of your lips. So now his purple lipstick is smeared on your face. 

"I need to finish my work… I'll see you tonight. Thank you again for the meal, sweetie." 

Casually walking through the door and once he's out of your view, he would run to the bathroom because he's getting sick.

"Ugh, you did that to yourself" (thank you for the support, Kid)

Mihawk

What a nice surprise to be welcomed with a beautiful table, his s/o well-dressed, red wine and some refined food. After dealing with Perona and Zoro all day, he only needs that. 

Mihawk's high standards mean that if the food is looking great, it's a good sign. He would never approach anything that looks bad. 

He knows that you may not have much cooking experience, but practice can help you make progress, right? Although the last time wasn't good, you can only improve yourself. Right? Right?

At least, if he dies from intoxication, the coffin will already be ready, thanks to his ship. 

"Come share that wine with me, don't stay standing like this." While serving you a glass of red wine.

He's a bit suspicious about the food. Even though the meal may be nice, it doesn't guarantee it's good and tasty. 

He's discreetly taking a sniff of the food. He has good manners, unlike those two brats, so he won’t make it obvious.

"Come sit with me and we can taste it together."

With his hawk eyes, he's looking at you and waiting for you to eat the food first. He's really observant, so he would notice all your expressions, even the most subtle ones. As your face shows no signs of disgust, then he would eat. 

And its taste really good. Although it may not be the most refined, given his high-standard, it's tasty, comestible, and well-matched to the wine. The most important thing for him. You can't waste a good wine with a bad dinner.

"You really outdid yourself, that was perfect. I’m grateful." 

Again, not a man of many words, but with his good manners, he would help you clean the dishes. Before returning to his duties (meaning: watching the kids), he would lend you his hat. This is a simple gift and a subtle way to say 'thank you'.

Buggy

"What, you did that for me? Why…? I mean, of course, you cook for me. What more normal? I'm the great Buggy after all." 

He's feeling quite confused inside. Outside, he's acting as cocky and extravagant as he always has. After all, what’s more typical for the great Buggy to be served with a great meal? That's the minimum he deserves. 

"Alright, let's eat it!" Before stuffing a huge amount of food in his mouth. And almost threw it back onto the plate. It's… foul. 

"Y/N, WAS OUR RELATIONSHIP A LIE THE WHOLE TIME? WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?" 

Really? What has he done wrong? Did he leave his makeup everywhere again? Or his clothes? Or maybe it's because he forgot to put down the toilet seat. Or... wait a second... there is red on the plate... red tomatoes… like his nose... are you making fun of him? How dare you? Yes, he's overthinking. 

"That's a betrayal, I'm dying... I'm dead." 

He's yelling and gesticulating wildly, and his face almost turns green due to the awful taste, but also red due to his anger. 

He’s dramatically angry, of course.

"Listen everyone! y/n is trying to KILL me!"

The room is empty but okay Buggy.

He's exaggerating too much, it's not that bad. But here he is, rolling on the floor, holding his stomach, fainting. And as the drama queen, he is, of course, he’s using his devil fruit to fragment his bodies. "I'm so traumatized that I'm TORN apart."

When he notices your sadness, he shrugs. 

"Ugh, Y/N, you know, maybe it was just the first slice…" he would say before giving one more chance to your plate. No, it's still bad. 

"That's a masterpiece, Y/N. I'm in heaven." While trying to hide his tears. "So tasty!"Yes, he's trying to please you, because maybe he overreacted before and maybe he feels bad because you were sad. 

But Buggy is way too loud and clumsy, he sucks with comedy. It's obvious that he's lying. 

"That's fine, don't force yourself Buggy."

"Really? So our relationship wasn't a complete lie? Thank you Y/N, I love… I mean, what are you saying? I wasn't forcing myself, I'm the great Buggy, duh, no one can force me."

[codfanficedits]

Being with you too.

CW: A little bit of angst? Portraying of an unhealthy relationship/a break-up

Fem!reader x Simon 'Ghost' Riley

Little note: I've posted part one on another platform too and people requested a part two. I hope this doesn't suck ass!!

Part One here

Being with Simon meant you had to go to quite some gatherings with him, but you didn’t mind at all, you enjoyed socializing with people, especially new people. It meant you could tell people all about him, about how handsome he was, how the two of you met, how he was different from all the men you had met before. Not a bad word you leave you lips when you would talk about Simon. After all, how could you badmouth the man that had been nothing but good for you?

Being with Simon caused you to come into contact with the Los Vaqueros, one of the forces he had to partner up with in order to keep the world a better place. Alejandro was a nice man to talk to, a bit of a dominant type, talking over you all the time, but you didn’t mind it, after all, he was praising Simon for his good work, and that brought a smile to your face. You did like his counterpart, Rudy, a lot more. The man was quiet, but his eyes were bright, attentive even and you liked how you could tell how well he listened to you, it was way more active than Simon would listen to you, Rudy’s eyes would never leave your face, not even when you somehow got to your favourite TV show. It was so different from Simon and it brought a weird knot to your stomach. You felt bad for even thinking such things, especially when Simon loved you so much. Of course Simon listened to you, he just showed it different.

Being with Simon was reason enough to break off the conversation with Rudy, leaving him with a puzzled look on his face when you came with a lame excuse to go to the open bar. The internal war of feelings still going on, and to ease yourself you decided to bring Simon a drink, to make the feelings of guilt go away.

A smile on your face as you approach him, his back turned to you while he talked to Gaz. You could feel your heart drop when you heard snippets of his conversation.

“….talks too much…”

“…even after….missions…”

Your mouth runs dry, your hands tremble but you take another step towards him, needing to hear what Simon is saying. It couldn’t be about you? Right? He would never say such things.

“I’m telling you Gaz, she just never, ever shuts up. After our last mission I came home and the moment I stepped foot in that house, she was next to me. Like a goddamn leech sucking away the life out of me.”

Being with Simon was the reason why your heart just got shattered into your chest, the fragments piercing through your lungs as you struggle to breathe properly, hot tears forming in your eyes as his words engrave in your brain. He was supposed to be your safe haven, he was supposed to be different. You want to do all sort of things, scream at him, throw the beer in your hands to the back of his head, cuss him out, call him his father. But you can’t. Instead you turn around, silent steps away from him.

Being with Simon became a lesson on how you couldn’t even trust the person you loved so dearly, it taught you that you do indeed talk to much, making you a flawed human that should learn to shut up. You can’t even remember how you came home, the drive was a blur. Getting into the apartment was a blur, but there you were, sitting on the couch, all alone.

Leaving Simon was the hardest thing you’d ever done. Part of you wanted to change for him, chat less, talk less, shut up more. But you knew you’d advice friends to leave a man who would dare to talk shit about them like this. And you knew you would never trust another word that would leave his lips again. Those same lips that had kissed you so much, and again you could feel that war in your chest going on, your heart chattering, your lungs struggling to breath, your stomach flipping. But you couldn’t let a man break you like this. Because excusing the way he had mistreated you would be a mistake.

You made yourself the promise that no one would ever knock the wind out of you again, not like that, not like him. When you pack your stuff you wonder how you should let him know you’re leaving. Would you wait for him? Call him? Text him? Give him the chance to explain himself? Maybe it would just be one big mistake. But your heart knew better, your mind knew better, you knew better. The sadness in your chest makes way for anger. Calm anger, no more tears running down your cheeks anger, but a I’ll fold my clothes neatly in the suitcase while I leave you anger. You won’t call him, text him, wait for him, no you’re disappearing out of his life. Erasing yourself out of his narrative, and part of you wants to be there when he comes home and find everything stripped from your existence, you’re taking as much as you can load into your car. The spoons you bought? They’re coming with you, the toilet paper you bought two days ago? It’s yours and loaded into your boot. That PlayStation you got him for Christmas? Into the passenger seat it goes. Even the duvet covers are coming with you. You’re content when your car is full with all of the stuff you had bought in the years the two of you had been together and you start the drive to one of your friends. Leaving Simon would be the hardest and easiest thing you had done.

Being with you meant that Simon had to drag you along to the gatherings from work, each one more annoying than the others. You would always be so happy to talk to people, and for him it was a nice break, every word you said to others, was a word you didn’t have to say to him. He would know what you’d tell people, always boosting about how much he loved you, it made him sick to his stomach, the happiness on your face while all he could feel was disgust.

Being with you caused Simon to dread it whenever you had to meet new people he worked with. He could see you talk to Alejandro, seeing you narrow your eyes whenever Alejandro would interrupt you and talk over you, a smirk on Simons face. Because now you knew how annoying it is whenever someone talks so much. Simon could see you talking to Rudy, the poor sucker was being caught in your whirlwind of words and Simon was just really happy he wasn’t in Rudy’s position right now.

Simon turned around when he saw Gaz approaching. “She just never shuts up huh?” Gaz was the first to make a snarky remark.

“Never, she just talks too much.” Simon said with a sigh. “I’m never at peace, not even after I come home after a my missions.”

Simon shook his head. “I’m telling you Gaz, she just never, ever shuts up. After our last mission I came home and the moment I stepped foot in that house, she was next to me. Like a goddamn leech sucking away the life out of me.”

A soft chuckle leaves Gaz. “Man I don’t even know how you hold up.”

Being with you was the reason why Simon could drink this night, after all, you would be his ride home, so he had nothing to worry about. He hadn’t even noticed you had left, no instead Simon was too busy having fun with the people that he actually cared about. While you were struggling at the apartment, he was dancing and drinking. While you had made up your mind and had found the strength to leave, Simon was too busy cracking stupid jokes with Price. While you were content and driving towards one of your friends, Simon was finally ready to leave, and it wasn’t until that moment that he noticed you had left. All he could feel was annoyance, because this meant he had to take an expensive cab home.

Being with you was the reason why he dreaded going home, stepping foot into that house again. But this time it felt different. The apartment felt colder than usual, not as warm, not as cozy. And you weren’t there to greet him at the door. Maybe you were asleep? He stumbled to the bedroom, but it was empty, too empty. Simon noticed the duvet covers missing, he opened up the closet and noticed your clothes missing, his heart starting to race when he realized something was wrong. Did someone break in? No, it would be weird for a burglar to just take the duvet covers and your clothing. Did you leave? No, you wouldn’t have the balls to do so. Maybe you just went to a friend?

He stumbled to the kitchen, opening up the fridge. His eyes widening when half of the groceries were missing. The orange juice you had bought was gone, the meat, the cheese, even the beers you had bought just for him were gone. The realisation that you might’ve left finally dawned up on him, and it brought him a lot of peace. He could just spent time without have you yap an blabber all the time, he didn’t have to listen to your constant talking about those dumb shows you watched. It nearly felt as if the Gods had blessed him. Being left by you turned out to be harder than Simon had thought. He had enjoyed the silence for a while, but when he woke up in that large, empty bed, he couldn’t help but miss you next to him. He thought he would enjoy eating his breakfast in silence, but the silence that lingered in the apartment was an eerie one, and loneliness crept up to him. He tried to reach out to you, but you had blocked him on every single platform he could reach you on and for the first time since he had met you, he found himself longing for your words, the way you spoke, the way you were so passionate about all the topics you talked about.

Being left by you made him realise how much he loved you.

Leaving Simon broke you down, but you managed to pick yourself up again. It took you a while, but you slowly found yourself trusting other again, and although you were still weary of talking too much, you still had that some passion in your voice whenever you talked about something, even your silly TV shows. You went to the store, getting yourself a tub of ice cream before your favourite show would start. Your cart bumping into someone since your mind was busy with the cliffhanger of last episode. “I’m so sorry.” You mutter quickly as you look up.

Rudy.

His eyes light up a little too quickly as a smile forms on his lips. “You never told me if Big Edd and Rose ended up staying together.”

[mayzi33]

******SPOILERS, SO MANY SPOILERS AHEAD.*********

I have so much to say I'm afraid my brain might explode. So I'll try to keep calm despite still being at the verge of tears.

When I first started this book series, I thought it would be the usual light, cutesy fantasy about friendship and family. And oh boy, OH BOY WAS I WRONG.

On a side note, something I'd like to point out I noticed, from the first book to the third, the lighting on the cover progressively gets darker. Of course, representing the story itself as the plot gets darker as well. On the last book, it's still dark, but there's a light coming from Janner, Kalmar and Leeli, like they finally reached sunrise after a long, ruthless night. Something i'm pretty sure was said at some point on the books themselves, about no matter how long the night is the day will always come.

Anyways. Back to the topic at hand. As the story progressed, I keep growing more and more connected to these characters, and each chapter I rooted more and more for the Jewels Of Anniera.

I'd like to add that I'm an only child, yet, somehow, I can tell Janner is one of the best eldest sibling characters ever written. My whole life I've only watched siblings around me and their relationship with eachother, especially on the eldest's side, and somehow, Janner reminded me of every friend, family member or random stranger I saw on the streets someday that have siblings.

Janner is such a complex character. He is by no means perfect, but he does have a golden heart. One of the things I was most impressed by was how the author described Janner's feelings, whatever it was the longing for his father, or just feeling burdened by his siblings. And yet, no matter what Janner is feeling, the narrator never invalidates his feelings or antagonize him. Janner is a child, a child who went through a lot. He is allowed to miss a father he never had just as he is allowed to sometimes be annoyed for always having to make sacrifices for his siblings. But one of the things I admired the most about Janner (along with everyone else I'm pretty sure) was his character development. At the first book, he'd roll his eyes at the mere thought of having to look after his siblings and saw them as a burden. At the second book, he learned the hard way how much Kalmar and Leeli matter to him, and how it hurts to be away from them. On the third book, he took pride on his title as Throne Warden and role as the eldest sibling, being devoted to protecting the High King and Song Maiden. And at last, on the last book, he leaves pride aside. He doesn't take care of Kalmar and Leeli because it's his duty, because it's honorable, neither because that's what he has always been told to do. He does it because he loves them above all else, because he finally sees how strong the bond the three of them share truly is, because he feels the blessing the Maker has gifted them, and how much stronger they are when they're together.

Janner is a kind, brave, clever, beautiful boy.

And I will forever believe that they managed to get him the water from the First Well to heal him. I will nor accept any other ending.

Kalmar. At first, the typical goofy, troublemaking sibling, more like a comic relief. But again, OHOHOHO BOY... DID THAT CHANGE.

I definetely did not expect for them to take the turn they did with Kalmar. I could tell that he would have some character arc mainly towards maturing and taking responsability, but I DID NOT EXPECT IT TO BE LIKE THAT. Seeing that bright, easy-going, smiley little boy loosing his usual joyful personality when he was fanged, slowly loosing his sanity and growing on his self loathing was really something painful yet beautiful to watch. Like Janner, he also had to learn his lesson on the hardest way possible. An extrovert kid like him, having everyone turning their backs on him and looking at him with hatred, and yet, he learned to keep his head high, like a High King. (the phrase "keep your head held high or else your crown will fall" is literally perfect for him.) And most of all, seeing him risk his life to aid a strange cloven, (that turned out to be his father) grant the Hollowsfolk his forgiveness despite everything they did to him, show mercy and compassion to the Fangs despite everything they did, all of these things make Kalmar an inspiring ruler, and leaves me assured that he will be a great king after all.

Now, Leeli, sweet, pure-hearted Leeli. I will be honest, at first I was afraid that they would make her the typical "overly nice and overly fragile female character", but again, BOY WAS I WRONG. (I don't know how many times I will repeat that, I apologize.) At some points in the books, she didn't have as much spotlight as her brother and I felt like she was kind of being thrown aside. But there's always a turn the books take that make her lack of spotlight at first worth it. So young, the youngest of the Jewels Of Anniera, yet she has seen and done so much. Has a bad leg, needed to use a crutch since she was little, yet that literally never stopped her. She strives to keep up with her brothers, and despite his kind personality she shows she can be festy and even scary when she wants to. (I will never forget that moment in the second book where she was yelling at the trolls and fangs and they were actually eager to obey her lol). She hates it when people assume she's weak and often refuses help, proving she's perfectly capable. But at times, she does need help, which shows us all it's okay to have someone to rely on. She was the link between Janner and Kalmar, no matter how much they argued nor how mad they were at eachother, she was always there for both of them and connecting them back together. She may not be able to fight like her brothers, but she found her own strenght. Her music, something that has always brought joy and hope to others turns out to be an ACTUAL weapon. She kicked a Green Fang to defend her puppy, she was the first one to see the pain and kindess through Peet, Nugget sacrificed himself for her showing how her strong her love for others really is, she stopped A FREAKING DRAGON from killing her grandpa, she led an army of dogs, she defeated countless fangs with nothing but her song. One of the best child female chracters I've seen in a while. She is feminine, has her weak points, but she finds her strenght, not in swords, punches or bows but on a whistleharp. I love her so much I can't describe it.

I love all of these kids so much. I am *proud* of them. I know it's a weird thing to say about fictional characters, but these books just make me feel this way. I can't name a single character I didn't connect or feel empathy with.

Nia, such a strong, independent woman, raising her children having lost her husband and kingdom, yet keep her head held high like the queen she is.

Podo, a man who has sinned, takes shame on them, yet shows that sinners can still be good people. Loves his family above all else, protected and took care of them until his last breath, might have been a little rough around the edges, but always showed a soft spot for his daughter and grandkids.

Artham, a broken man, haunted by the shame of loosing his brother, slowly, but surely, healing. Learning to move on by protecting his nephews and niece, making what was once a weakness a strenght.

Oskar, an old man that was always sitting on the library, letting go of his peaceful life and risking his life to accompany the Wingfeathers through thick and thin.

Sara, who was taken from her family, abused and had all her hope crushed, finding her courage back after meeting Janner and taking after him, being a sisterly figure, leader and queen ti billions of orphan children, and helping them find their strenght and fight for their freedom.

Maraly, a rude strander girl who was raised horribly her whole life by her abusive father, finally finding true love and a true father figure.

Everything about this story has touched me. A broken world taken by an evil monarch who turned to be just another broken soul, filled with hopeless people, people who had surrended to the darkness... Saved by three children, who brought light everywhere they went. A boy with scars, a boy inside a wolf, and a girl with a crutch. Kids who one day were mere peasants, the other were the Jewels Of Anniera, and a year later, heroes of Aerwiar.

I've smiled, I've laughed, I've been shocked, I've been scared, I've been mad, I've cried. I have red lots, and I mean LOTS of books. Different stories, different worlds, different characters. Yet none of them has touched me half as much as The Wingfeather Saga.

It has war, tears, bloodshed, betrayals, sacrifices and sorrow. But it also has love, joy, hope, laughter, wonder and light.

This story definetely deserves way more fans and recognition. I hope that with the new animated series (which I'll definetely watch later) it begins to gain more love.

Anyways. I really love this in case y'all couldn't tell already. Have a good day/afternoon/evening.

[wolves-and-stars]

Beginner's Guide to Wolfstar (Long Fics)

(here's a list of my top 10 favorite long fics ranging from 259k to 59k words)

Momentum by children_of_the_shadows (ao3) 259k

If you have to ready any canon compliant (mostly) marauders through the years fic, this is the one, Children_of_the_shadows is one of the best writers ever, Top 3 fic authors.

2. Text Talk by merlywhirls (ao3) 141k

Everyone knows text talk, it's basically wolfstar bible, Non Magic AU where the boys meet by accidently texting the wrong number.

3. Time is a Fine Invention by bluepeony (ao3) 105k

Brilliant university non magic au, with the most imperfect and human characterization of both Remus and Sirius, read it if only to humanize the both of them and their relationship. Insecurity in a relationship and Coming of age and all the thoughts accompanying it are perfectly described in this. so much foreshadowing if you read it carefully enough.

It'll make you hate and simultaneously empathize with both characters.

4. Slughorn's Sanitarium for Troubled Boys by MelloPie 65k

TW: discussion of mental health, SA, institutionalization, ab*use, s*icide, self h*rm.

Non-Magic AU, set in a mental institution, where both noys have to share a room. Its one of the first long fics i ever read, so maybe i have a soft spot for this one, and every other fic on this list.

5. The Lad That Loved You. by MollyMaryMarie (ao3) 81k

I've said this once and I'll say it again, mollymarymarie is one of the best writers out there, another top 3 author for me, all of her fics are amazing, obviously including dear you holiness, we can pretend, the only living boy in new york, i might have to do a separate recs list for that.

But, if you had to read just one, i would say The lad that loved you is the perfect one, set in their 6th or 7th year? of hogwarts, they hide their new relationship by acting like they hate each other, and let me tell you, they are exactly, perfectly themselves in this fic, and by that i mean exactly how i imagine them.

There is not one single thing about this fic that i would change. Perfection.

6. Discards by picascribit (ao3) 76k words

I can't make a fic rec without picascribit. Cure for nightmares changed my life. Non-magic AU, Remus meets Sirius in the library he goes to study at, real love isn't always perfect and doesn't involve perfect people, is what i've take away from this fic.

7. ten reasons (to go to michigan) by greyeyedmonster18 (ao3) 59k

Top 3 Fics. If you had to read any wolfstar fic, it would be this one. I've read 100's spanning from 2016 - till date, and this is the best one ive ever read.

Remus is newly divorced, and he meets Sirius Black.

If you've ever lost someone one and had to re-learn how to live without someone you never thought you would have to live without, this fic will encapsulate the gist of it in words.

In one of their notes the authors says something close to 'the hardest thing about losing someone is finding out that the earth keeps spinning and you have to keep living'

8. Dating Remus Lupin by Children_of_the_Shadows (ao3) 83k

Top 3 fics. I can't explain this fic in any words, the writing style is brilliant, the characterizations are unique and wonderful and perfect. Everything about this fic is brilliant.

Set in Year 5, Sirius Black wants a boyfriend and James tells him about the only other openly gay boy in in their year, it just happens to be Remus Lupin. Much to his disdain.

9. Remus Lupin's Guide to Successful Courting by Children_of_the_Shadows (ao3) 87k

Non Magic AU, Remus Lupin finds harry in his yard having escaped from school and return him back to Dr. Sirius Black, who's new to town and coincidently doesn't have an inkling about Remus's past, his eyes clear of any judgement are what make Remus fall for him and pursue him, court if you will.

I again cannot explain this fic. Children_of_the_shadows is the most talented writer, i will make a separate fic list for their other brilliant work.

10. Sex Pistol by ArtificialAorta (ffnet) 86k

Musicians AU, Remus is punk rock, Sirius is akin to the prince of pop, how can they not fall in love?

[grapehyasynth]

young royals fic rec, 25/?

i’m (slowly) working my way through the wilmon tag on ao3 and thought that as i go i might shout out some fics i enjoy along the way! i've tagged authors where i knew their tumblr url, but please feel free to tag folks or dm me if you know ones i've missed!

see all my rec lists here

1. Dear lover, I’ll fight whoever is in your locker by @piebingo - The girls are tired of seeing Wille and Simon dance around each other without doing anything about it. They decide to take be matchmakers and matters into their own hands, asking both boys out for them to go to the ball together, through a series of love poems. What could possibly go wrong?

2. my hand was the one you reached for by @prncewilhelm - on their third valentine's day together, wille and simon discuss their first.

3. We exist in each other's memories by @cupofteainme - Simon and Wilhelm haven't seen each other in four years. Felice hosts a Hillerska reunion party. Old feelings rise to the surface.

4. We're Not Made of Stone by @princewillesothermom - As Wille and Simon navigate Christmas break and their return to Hillerska, they learn more about not only each other, but also what it means to be themselves in the face of grief, family, and love.

5. Right Here by @earlgrey-lateatnight - That’s what this weekend was about. A last chance to hang out and relax and make love before everything had to change.

6. tell me what you'll do by @purplesimme - Playing cool his crush on Simon is one of the hardest things Wille has ever had to do, and he's a Prince, for Christ's sake. He should be better at pretending, but he fell so hard and so fast it all feels out of his control.

7. a crown prince's tear-stricken guide to life by boytoast - In the dead of night, when he becomes insomnia’s favourite victim, he tries to imagine the same sensation by wrapping his own arms around his shoulders. It only works for a second.

[lvndrptchwrk]

Hi! If you have request , Could I request Baxter Ward with a reader whos a model? Step 3 or 4 are cool!

((omg thank you for the request ! i just finished the baxter dlc the other day so i've been itching to write him and this seems like the perfect scenario ! ))

baxter ward with a model mc

step 3/4 baxter x gn! mc 

spoilers for baxter’s dlc ahead! 

🔲 you’ve always had a particular taste in fashion and always loved dressing up, so it’d make sense that you would find a part time job at a modeling company after you graduated

🔲 meeting baxter for the first time, you two instantly clicked about your tastes in fashion

🔲 colorful wardrobe: he is your exact polar opposite with his black and white wardrobe, but you two loved to compare the differences in taste, and see if there's any similarities

🔲 black and white wardrobe: he is enamored about how similar your wardrobe is to his and you two talk about the similarities and how bad of an idea it is to wear black in the heat 

🔲no matter what your wardrobe is, he simply loves seeing the kinds of outfits you wear for different occasions, from casual hang-outs to fancy nights out

🔲 you two would try to coordinate your outfits to match when possible ! esp if you have a colorful wardrobe yall would be true polar opposites ! and with the matching black and white outfits you guys would fr be twins 

🔲 if you take part in a fashion show or photoshoot, he would definitely attend or want to see the photos

🔲 seeing your photos or watching you model clothes has him blown away, you are in your element and truly the star of the show in his eyes

🔲 during sightseeing, mountain and drinks, he would offer to take pictures of you throughout your time together so you could post them to social media and enhance your portfolio

🔲 leaving when summer ends is probably the hardest thing he’s done, he truly loved seeing you and you’ve impacted his life more than he ever imagined 

🔲 “as much as staying would benefit both of us, it simply isn’t meant to be . as you say, the show must go on . ”

🔲 gives you his iconic black and white eye button up as a souvenir of him

🔲 “you would find use of this when you model . plus, i can always buy another one”

🔲 after he leaves, he finds you on social media and watches as your modeling career takes off 

🔲 always likes your posts of professionally done photos and videos of you on the runway 

🔲 has cried when he saw pics of you modeling in his button up (and made it his wallpaper on his phone)

🔲 if you're contracted to model for a clothing company, he would definitely buy a couple of articles of clothing that you’ve modeled in (if its black and white of course)

🔲 if you start a blog of fashion tips, he would follow the blog and take some of your tips to heart, learning what colors would work best for him

🔲 would also take these tips for his clients, offering them colors and themes that would make them pop out at the wedding

🔲 if you ever appear on the cover of a magazine, he’d buy a couple copies just because you're on the front page

🔲 if he’s also bought posters and prints of you as well, that’s definitely for him to know and no one else to find out (he has a poster of you hanging in his office at work) 

🔲 when it’s time for jude and scott’s wedding, you were in charge of ensuring everyone’s outfits were coordinating and all the decorations matched

🔲 jude and scott definitely mentioned you were in charge of outfits but since they never mentioned you by name, he was floored when he realized you were the one helping for the wedding 

🔲 “it all makes sense, looking back at it . only you could make everyone look as divine as they are tonight, truly the work of a model”

🔲 you instantly hit it off right away a second time, you both simply could not not talk to each other, whether its about modeling or the wedding or fashion in general

🔲 he eventually reveals he follows you on social media and could not stay away from you and your work (the poster in his office was a partial giveaway)

🔲 when you two start dating again, he starts coming to all of your shows/photoshoots when he can 

🔲 if you lived far, you would definitely convince your work to let you move closer to baxter so he’d be able to see your shows or take constant trips out to model near the area

🔲 loves when you coordinate clothes with him, loves it even more when you wear his clothes

🔲 has modeled with you once or twice in his freetime, and was elated to see his face alongside yours in the final product

🔲 you both are so photogenic so obviously photographers constantly love you two together in photos

🔲 your fanbase goes feral over seeing you two together, they simply can't ignore how good you both look

🔲 he however is your number one fan and makes everyone aware of it 

🔲 “hi yes im baxter ward, wedding planner and mc’s number one fan”

[iliveforyouilongforyouvesuvia]

Given a true, heartfelt apology, a change of actions to match, and probably a LOT of time, do you think Muriel would ever forgive Lucio? Or at least detest him less? It’s one thing I haven’t been able to pin down about Muriel’s character. Would love to know your thoughts on the matter!

@httyd-chocolate here you go friend!

Lucio's forgiveness

Since I was covering Lucio's forgiveness from multiple characters, I didn't go super in-depth for Muriel's part, so I'll go more in-depth on what I consider "forgiveness" to look like ^.^

Truthfully, forgiveness as we understand it is a much angrier, active, and empowering process than what often gets portrayed as it. The contexts I most often encounter "forgiveness" in are either media, where a saintly character rises above a villain's games as that villain is facing accountability and the consequences of their actions, or when someone in interpersonal situations wants to brush over what they've done wrong. In both cases it essentially boils down to "I've decided to stop thinking about and acting on the wrong thing you did." I've rarely seen forgiveness discussed or portrayed as what I've come to understand it to be.

(To be clear - I'm not talking about petty wrongs like your roommate eating your food and then trying to make up for it by buying you the replacement. This is in reference to horrific levels of violence/betrayal/wrongdoing, like what we know makes up Lucio's backstory)

Forgiveness as I see it is something that only the person who has been wronged can do. It is not something that can be demanded or expected. It is not owed - and granting it to someone who has hurt you only adds to the accountability they face. While there are things that the person in the wrong can do to make the process of forgiveness easier, at no point are they in any position to directly involve themself in it. It is something that only the person who was wronged can do, and anybody besides them has no power in that decision and process.

It starts by listing and acknowledging all the ways in which you were wronged - each action taken or not taken, the reasons why that decision was wrong, and every harmful impact it had. It means confronting your grief and anger with the reasons that you should be grieving and angry, and allowing yourself to feel them because that is an act of justice that you are worth taking. It means reaffirming that how poorly you were treated is in violation of your inherent value, not in accordance with it. It means understanding that there are no excuses.

This phase is the longest, and perhaps the hardest part, and it's one you never completely leave. Forgiveness for something on this level of wrong isn't a single decision or action, but a maintained mental posture that gets easier to hold and smaller in the context of your life as you grow and live on. There may come a point where you hardly think of it at all and the feelings are well-worn and quieter, but that has far more to do with time and healing than what forgiveness is.

The next step is deciding who you are and what you're going to do in the context of your suffering. It's not possible to do this honestly without spending time in the first step of acknowledging how valid your hurt is and how wrong what you suffered was. It shouldn't have happened. It did happen. So, now what? Are you going to let the actions of the person who wronged you define who you are and what you can do? Or are you going to take the pain that shouldn't be yours in your own hands, and slowly learn how to carry it because you were here before it was? Will you define your suffering in the context of the person who inflicted it, or in the person hardy enough to live with it even though they shouldn't have to?

It's only after you've found it in yourself to do those things that the part we usually think of as forgiving someone starts. It's when, after seeing and feeling how wrong their actions were, after living with and growing beyond the consequences they've inflicted on you, you get to bring the results of their faults back to them:

"This is what you did wrong. This is why what you did was wrong. This is how much harm you caused. Nothing can erase what you did. This will always be something that you did, and I am proof of it. I have lived with the consequences of your actions. I have refused to become the person you treated me as. I have developed the strength to carry faults that are yours, not mine. I have taken the ugliness you forced on me and turned it into a catalyst for growth and goodness. In that regard, I have covered for your wrongs, and I am choosing to let you live in debt to me for that. Whatever peace you get from not having your wrongs visited back on you is the gift from me you do not deserve, but I am choosing to give you anyways."

Obviously, forgiveness and healing are closely linked, and neither are linear or one-size-fits-all. Sometimes the context is well-intentioned love and close relationships that caused major hurt through personal failings, and forgiveness is navigating and balancing the pain and wrongdoing with the genuine love and connection you have for each other. Sometimes the context is selfish callousness where the person who did wrong puts no stock in how they affect other people, and forgiveness is asserting that it was still wrong and that your value is equal to theirs. Sometimes the context is malice and a desire to assert and maintain power, and forgiveness is becoming empowered to live as proof of their faults where the only place they have is in your debt. Sometimes the process is so long and hard that by the time you've reached that point, you have to do it to someone who isn't around anymore.

To bring an introspective, philosophical ramble back to Muriel from the Arcana, yes, I think he could one day forgive Lucio as far as what I consider true forgiveness. He's already in the first stage when we meet him. (Julian, on the other hand, has yet to consider any of the ways Lucio treated him as more than "mantrums" and I find that very concerning -)

[crazyk-imagine]

Finding their Mate

A/N: This feels like I wrote an entire series, but it was simple headcanons, which I've found to be oddly fun to do from time to time

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Freya

After everything that happened with her aunt Dahlia and her giving up everything for her family to live their best lives (without her). Can you imagine how surprised she is to find out that you two are mates; the girl is baffled beyond baffled. She doesn't pursue you when she learns the truth. If you two are friends and she has feelings for you, she'll begin to pull away a bit which leads to you confronting her and asking why she's acting the way she is because it feels like things are weird and you don't want to deal with weird. You have a hard time making friends or finding people who can tolerate you. One awkward conversation later, you two share a kiss and are on a date. I mean, if you consider you watching her practice a spell while she tries not to blush too much as a date, there you have it

Finn

Before his mother forced this life of eternal damnation onto him even if it was due to losing his youngest brother. There is one thing he never anticipated finding... you, his mate. If anyone had told him mates were real and he would meet his soon, he'd probably think you were insane. And that's saying a lot since his life has been revolving around the supernatural since he was a child. Meeting you certainly helped him through this new life, but it didn't do much when he finds himself daggered at the hands of his brother. Knowing you were out there on your own dealing with him family drove him crazy, but he didn't know you asked to be turned to live with him (imagine his surprise when he awoke nine hundred years later and found you). After talking with you, he can't imagine living without you and thanks his lucky stars for you

Elijah

When his memories came back of how he harmed Tatia, he was less enthusiastic about pursuing another female. But Davina made a friend in you (because you helped her bring Kol back) and that was the end of it. It didn't trigger that you two had met years ago until he saw the three of you enjoying breakfast together. His memories came flooding back to him and he realized that you weren't in your original body yet, hence where his younger brother got the idea to do so, trying to find the doppelgänger. You two slowly began bonding and then came the hardest time in your relationship, he lost his memories, his mind would never let him forget your face. He never knew until he and Klaus were at their end, but his brother admitted your death to him and explained that's why he has an ache in his heart. A werewolf had gotten you while you were protecting Hope. He never got to admit how sorry he was for hurting you, not until he saw you standing there, waiting for him with Hayley by your side

Klaus

He didn't believe it for a second, thought it was a hoax; thought it was something the witches cooked up to blackmail him. But the more he saw you, the more his heart raced and the more his need for you grew stronger. Not to mention the fact that his wolf didn't help, the voice calling and wanting him to take you for his own so they can claim you as theirs. He knew he was dangerous and that's why he did all he could to stay away from you in the beginning when he ever so slowly begins to accept that your fates are tied to one another. There was no way he'd let you be put in danger due to his issues or because you're associated with his family. After you manage to protect Hope and yourself while defending him and his name, he thinks maybe his family wasn't lying when they said you two were fated mates, destined to be together (perfect for one another eve). He was more than hesitant to try and form a relationship with you. You had to be the one to take the step and make things right and stop the aches n both your hearts

Kol

He initially planned on using you as leverage since he knows his brother cares about you (whether it was platonic or not). But then, there was this little spark you had and not just because you managed to shock him with your powers, to escape from him and his mother. After that he knew he had to know you, someone who is genuine friends with his half-brother and can take care of themself in they ever needed to. That one hell of a keeper and there was no way he could let you go. So, yeah, he's going to try and become your friend (only after you reject him when he asks you to go out on a date). Then when Davina tried to help him return to his body, she came to you and knew you'd be able to help more than anyone because working alone isn't enough. No one, supernatural or not, cannot deny the bond between mates. You two confessed to one another once he came back from the supernatural purgatory, in his original body, and that was that

Rebekah

After watching her brother kill almost all her lovers and ruining any chance she had at a love life, she found it hard to believe that she was offered a chance at having someone fated to be hers. Someone her brother couldn't kill without causing her severe harm. She loves too hard and fast, she knows that, but she can't help it. Now that mates are thrown into the mix, she is a little hesitant at starting something with you, but she also knows how you are (being allies with her family helped her learn more about you). Then when her siblings find their mates and watches how happy they are, she can't help but basically run into your arms and confess that she feels the bond too and wants to start a relationship with you (and if you hate Elena, that's such a bonus for her)

Hope

When she lost her parents and her Uncle Elijah, she never imagined anything good would come into her life. Always believing herself to be cursed and imagining loads of misery would continue to come her way even as she genuinely tries to let good things into her life. Then you came into play, and she was floored. First off, you're the most good-looking person she's ever seen, Landon does not compare whatsoever. But it also is more of a reason for her hesitation when it comes to interacting with you or her just trying to get to know you. You knew right away who she was to you, another reason why you wanted to talk to her, figure out how you would fit into her life. You started to pursue her, not ready to give up even as she continuously turns you down, waiting until she'll accept you. After some time, she decided to try and have her own epic love like her parents and uncle Elijah did. She doesn't regret it

Hayley

After learning the truth about her family, she didn't expect to hear that mates were a thing. Then as soon as she stepped foot in New Orleans, imagine her surprise when she met not one but two wolves who continuously looked out for her. She manages to bond with one of the two wolves right away, slightly alarmed at how easy it was to spot you in your wolf while she is out in town. Then came a full moon where she met Jackson, who may or may not, have known who the wolf was and told her, about you and your back story or the bond you two share. Unfortunately for her, you were cursed differently. Only when you find your mate on a full moon and they accept you, will you be able to turn into your human form again. She searched three moons before finding you and she thanked her bloodline for giving her someone so, well, you. You're more than she could have ever known

Davina

With everything she went through before and after learning about everything witch wise, finding a lover much less a mate was the furthest thing on her mind. After she came back from the other side and was dealing with the ancestors' punishment, you entering her life was more a blessing. Which is something she and Marcel can easily agree on. Then you put in the effort to learn about her, just as she starts to find herself, accepting everything she's done and what the other witches keep doing to her; you stay by her side is what's kept her together. She would never admit it out loud to you but ever since you had entered her life, it was more of a blessing than anyone even realized. She continues to thank her lucky stars every day once the two of you are together. You are more than she could have ever imagined, and she'll do whatever she can to protect you because there's a lot that goes on in town

Marcel

After Klaus pulled his siblings out of town after the fire and the Mikaelson's thinking he was dead, losing Rebekah... he never thought he'd get the happy ending he wanted. But then, he was out at his favorite bar, trying to charm the pants off Camille (yet again) and you waltzed in, changing his life for the better. He never knew why his heart was so full and pounding so hard until Elijah told him. Finding out that mates were a thing? He was... safe to say pleased because like the man who treated him like a son always said, a king must have a queen (or king, in some cases). And you, my dear, are his royal highness lover from now until death and that could take a while. He will always do whatever he can to give you whatever you want to keep you happy and satisfied. He wants you to feel like you can rely on him for anything and everything, which kind of makes him look like a sugar daddy with all the new things he buys you

[moonstrider9904]

I'm never really one to say "As someone who etc" and it's been a while since I've talked about my mental health struggles, mainly because for the past months I've been working on all my crap. But it's because I've been working on my crap that this episode (Bad Territory) sealed the deal for me regarding Crosshair.

We knew going in that he'd be dealing with PTSD throughout the season, and there are many things in this episode that strike home. Crosshair's frustration at his hand not getting better, at how it affects his life and his skills, the denial of the root of the problem being his mind stemming from the fear of facing the darkness within. The way he'd rather storm off and blow off steam before accepting he has to face his inner demons to heal.

And then Omega sits him down to meditate, which is a skill taught to many in the journey of recovery, myself included. I had to learn how to meditate (among many other skills) and there were many times when I grunted out in the middle of a meditation. This isn't working. This isn't going to heal me. But you keep trying and eventually you learn it, because you have to actually do it in order to work (I found myself telling this at the screen while watching the episode).

And we see Crosshair actually putting in that work despite knowing how hard it's going to be for him, whether it's because we can relate or because we can see how it's affecting him, or both.

And Omega teaches him, she guides him through, she quite literally holds his hand. Crosshair doesn't have to do this alone, he has a sister to fall back on. And as anyone who's had to do any mental/emotional healing of their own knows, the first steps are going to be the hardest, and the journey won't be linear onward.

So to me, to see Omega being there for Crosshair is a comfort, and once again, I am incredibly, endlessly grateful to that little girl. And I love Crosshair unimaginably more than ever after this.

[spyskater]

The quotes I believe are every characters' thesis statement in Willow (2022) and why. Elora: I believe that love is the most powerful force in the universe. Kit: You're afraid. So am I. But you know what? My fear, it doesn't get to decide. It doesn't get to, to define me. I'm not giving it the power. I'm giving it to you. I have never believed in anything my whole life. I believe in you. Jade: Yeah, and when you love someone and they need you, yes, you jump off the edge of the world to go and get to them. Graydon: One day you and I are gonna be in charge. And when that day comes, we don't have to do things the way our parents did. Boorman: I finally figured it out. This isn't my story. It's yours. You're the one. And all you gotta do is believe in yourself, and you'll be unstoppable. Willow: You know, it's taken me a long time to learn, it's okay to fall, to make mistakes. I've made lots... The trick is to embrace your defeats as well as your victories. You pay for both in the end. Be decent. Be fearless. And know this, wherever the adventure leads, I'm with you. Airk: You know, defend the realm and just be the best brother, and husband, and father, and son that I can possibly be. Because that is what you do when you have honor, right? Scorpia: All we have ever wanted is our freedom. That our children would not have to live in fear. They'd serve no master... We have no barrier to hide behind, no army to defend us. All we have is the fear our masks evoke, the determination to survive, and each other... Freedom, rebellion, passion, joy. To the break of dawn! Sorsha: Everything I've done, I've done to protect the people I love. It costs a lot. Madmartigan: It was the hardest thing I've ever done. But love is sacrifice. You've gotta be willing to give up what you want for what you believe in.

Elora's is extremely obvious. As the heroine and chosen one of our show, her quote not only represents who she is and what she believes, but the most important message that the show wants to leave us with. At the end of the day, love above all things. Let that be your guiding force. It's what all of our characters come away with. Jade lets go of her ideals of duty to follow her heart to Kit. Kit learns to love and gains courage through it. Airk is saved by Kit through the power of love. Graydon becomes who he's always dreamed of, partially due to his love of Elora. Elora is able to fully grasp her power through her love of Graydon. And Elora tells us throughout the season that love is the most powerful thing in the universe, at first taken as a joke by Airk, Kit, and the audience and evolving into the hopeful statement we're meant to latch onto.

This is Kit's big moment. She spends the entire season having everything she thought she knew stripped from her. When you have nothing left, it'll make you reevaluate what you truly want and what you believe. We know that all Kit has wanted is to be brave and loved and I would argue that quote is part one of the thesis of Kit. It's Jade's love that gives Kit the bravery to take the leap of faith. As she stares at the edge of the world, she's probably at her most fearful. But she's spent her whole life giving into fear, fear of loss, fear of rejection, fear of abandonment. She knows what it means to give fear power, so she chooses to give the power to Elora, to love, to hope, to finally believing in something greater than herself. And by choosing not to give into fear, she also inspires Elora to do the same. Fear no longer gets to control Kit and we shouldn't let it control us either.

Like Kit, Jade is completely stripped of everything she knows about herself. Her honor, her duty, her history, her beliefs, her identity, it all comes into question. But she had to lose all of the things that she thought made her Jade Claymore in order for her to truly follow her heart. You don't jump off the edge of the world out of duty. You do it out of love. Jade does it for Kit. Graydon does it for Elora. Elora and Kit do it for Airk. And while I don't think Jade fully knows what any of what she's learned means for her and her future, the one thing she does know for a fact at the end of the season, which was the only thing that she was uncertain of at the beginning, is that she is totally, ridiculously, desperately in love with Kit and that love is returned. It's like Elora said, love is the most power thing in the universe and Jade now knows that.

Graydon's quote, I find, is one of the most important quotes of the show. This is the story of the next generation learning from the previous one’s mistakes and trying to do better. All of our younger characters are forced to confront the mistakes of their elders, especially Willow, Sorsha, and Madmartigan’s. Kit as Elora’s protector and learning that love comes before dutiful sacrifice (her parents). Jade learning love before duty and honor (Ballantine). Boorman facing the mistakes he made with the older generation and making the better choice with the younger one. Going on this adventure with the others, Graydon is able to find his true self and make his own choices. Just because his father wants him to be one thing, doesn't mean that Gray has to be that. He gets to be his own man. You get to be who you want to be, not what your parents want.

Boorman desperately wants to be the hero of the story and that’s probably the source of a lot of his bravado. He feels shame for leaving Madmartigan for dead, for lying about his escape from Skellin, because it’s not a heroic tale. He was a teenager/young man when he went after the Cuirass with Mads. He was Jade once upon a time, a squire in service to Tir Asleen royalty. The problem is that Boorman thinks the cuirass is the only way he can be a hero and being a hero is the only way to make up for his mistakes. But the cuirass is not meant for him; it’s not his story. The way for him to come full circle and become whole is to make up for his sins against Mads by giving the cuirass to his daughter. He’s not the hero of this story, but I do believe he’s the hero of another.

Willow gives us another important message of the show that we've seen throughout the season. Our mentor's journey over the course of the season is to let go. Willow can't seem to accept the consequences of the past. The loss of his wife. The departure of his son. The loss of Elora. The fact that he never became the sorcerer he thought he was meant to be. All of this causes him to be incapable of training Elora with any sort of true openness or understanding. Where Elora needs freedom and a safe place to fail, Willow only provides restrictions and pressure. The world can't afford for Elora to fail. And if Elora fails, she dies. But in the end, it's only his ability to accept his failures and victories that allows him to help Elora grow to become the hero she needs to be. And it's an important lesson for us.

Airk is a character that could have easily played into his own trope of charming playboy prince without a care in the world, but this quote helps separate him from stereotype. In episode one, I'm sure we would all admit we all believed, like Kit, that Airk didn't know Elora's public name. But he did. And throughout his time resisting the Crone, Airk proved time and time again that he truly was honorable and that all he wanted was to be good. Madmartigan's departure and Kit's future ascension left Airk looking for his purpose and trying to prove to his family that he was everything his absentee father couldn't be. He does everything he can to be a good boyfriend, a good brother, a good son, a good diplomat, and, in episode seven, he does everything he can to be a good man.

Scorpia is an inspiration. She has lost so much, but still finds the strength to care deeply in the face of her grief. She's lost her mother, father, and several brothers and sisters, but finds it in herself to keep loving. She may be mostly concerned about her people, but it's their philosophy of life, of freedom and liberation (another analysis yet to be written) that sends her on a crusade to save all of those people in Skellin. Not just her people, but all people. And I think that will be important in the war to come. As much as Scorpia will want to avoid war, her belief in freedom for all and rebellion will convince her that it's necessary. The entire Wildwood episode shows us the joy and passion and freedom that's a stake, what's worth fighting for. There is no freedom under the Wyrm and Scorpia will not accept that.

I think it's important to discuss Sorsha and Madmartigan's quotes together, because they explain their mistakes as well as layer them with complexities. One of the things that kind of irritates me is when people paint Mads as saint and Sorsha as awful, because they're cut from the same cloth (Kit, I love you, but I blame you for this). At the end of the day, they were willing to make the hard sacrifices if it meant protecting their kids and saving the world. Neither one of them could have foreseen the harm that their choices would have, but they did what they thought was right. They are one and the same, united in their cause and parenthood. But every single choice also cost them so much sacrifice, the biggest one being their chance at parenting Elora, and I think a lot of people forget that, especially when it comes to Sorsha.

[yourwitchybrother]

Apollo, My Beloved

Perhaps I couldn't wait any longer before I finally addressed my beloved patron and godspouse. Both of which are terms I will define in this post. Apollo has been part of my life, well... since birth! Being my Patron, he has been around for all of it. He's seen me at my best and at my worst, he's seen me through my relationships and my hardships. He saw me through my hardest moments, through the easier times, and through the trauma I've faced.

So yeah. He and I are pretty close. Let's get into it, this is going to be a long one.

Who is Apollo? ☀

I have heard Apollo referred to as the God of many things, and this description of him is not incorrect as much as it is a gross minimization of the things he takes Godly precedence over. He is the god of:

The Sun; Light; Poetry; Music and the Arts; Healing / Medicine; Plagues; Knowledge; Order; Prophecy; Truth; A God of Beauty; Agriculture; and Archery.

Some of these things are not as well known as others, and there are absolutely some things missing from that list. Again. He rules over a lot of things.

Apollo, in my life, has been more present as the God of music and the arts, and prophecy. A major part of my practice is the art of prophecy and divination, the concept of time and the future. Of course, I do not have as much time as I would like to delve fully into the concept of time as much as I'd like, but I still like to dip my toes into the concept of prophecy. It took me a while to accept the fact that prophecies do, in fact, exist, and they are things that can be accessed by someone who is not the Oracle at Delphi.

Apollo is also known for having many lovers and, more nuanced, has been claimed as a patron God of Queer individuals. He has had his fair share of gay lovers himself, and in fact, is quite known for having a series of lovers who have then turned into plants. For example:

Hyacinthus, who was turned into a Hyacinth. Daphne, who was turned into a Laurel tree. Cyparissus, who was (unwillingly) turned into a Cyprus Tree.

At a certain point, it is almost comical.

Apollo, as a Worshipper and Devotee.

Of course, everyone starts somewhere. And for a good portion of my practice, I started as a worshipper and devotee of Apollo. This meant that I was dedicating certain acts to him and gifting him little trinkets and leaving him offerings. My favorite instance was when I left him a pack of cookies for about a month. After a month, I went to eat them as to not waste them. The cookies gave me static and shocked me. Apollo and I had a conversation about boundaries following this.

I have been devoted to Apollo my whole life, I like to say. Ever since I could improperly hold utensils within my digits, I drew on things. When I first learned how to make illegible sounds, I sang. When I learned how to create poorly worded poetry, I crafted it. By no means am I a lyrical genius or a poet laureate. In fact, I'm horrible at writing song lyrics and I have only ever written one catchy verse, and in all my years of playing Ukulele, I have never been able to play and sing until November of last year.

However, in my early childhood, leading up to college, I was nearly prodigal when it came to musical instruments. I graduated high school knowing how to play clarinet, bass clarinet, saxophone, flute, xylophone, euphonium (my favorite), bass guitar, acoustic guitar, ukulele, trumpet, trombone, and kalimba. I'm sure there are people out there who know more instruments, but all things considered, this is a damn collection of instruments that I'm pretty okay at. In 8th grade I was the back-up singer in my military schools rock band, I was the acoustic guitarist.

I've also been acting for about 9 years (I'm about to be 20), which is a good portion of my sentient and cognisant life. I've done work both on stage and off, but yet still have not managed to be in a musical. They scare me.

Not to mention my history with other forms of art. In fifth grade, I painted a still life that was elected and ended up in a local art gallery. In the first week of May, one of my photos from study abroad was selected as being the best in its category and I won a prize. My history teacher hung a drawing I did of her daughter in the classroom because she adored it so much. However, that may have just been because it was a picture of her daughter.

This laundry list of artistic endeavors is not meant to be a flex or a brag. It's meant to showcase my extensive history in the arts and my devotion to Apollo. He has been an important part of my life. Before every performance, I pray to him. Before every concert, I'd ask him to send me humility and patience. Before every drawing, I ask Apollo for inspiration and a dash of creative whimsy. I also say hi to the sun every morning, wishing him a good morning while I drink my morning coffee.

Apollo, as my Patron.

As my patron, Apollo is my biggest mentor. He is there for me through thick and thin. When the going gets tough. I know I can lean on and rely on him.

My mother calls me Sunshine (my hair sticks up and gets all frizzy, and so she calls me Sunshine because she considers my hair to be rays), she always has. This is reflective of Apollo's presence in my life, in my opinion. A little ray of the sunshine that he emits.

But back to the mentor thing. Apollo has always been someone I can look to whenever I need guidance. Whether that means consulting the cards and asking him for some guidance, or using a pendulum and having an asinine round of "is that a yes or a no" with him, or him sending me a sign.

Very recently, I asked him for a sign that he's still there. That he hasn't gone anywhere or left me. I asked him to send me something bright orange, out of the ordinary, that I wouldn't expect to see. About two days later, at the beach, one of the friends we had been waiting on shows up wearing a bright orange dress. And I mean neon. And she never wears bright colors like that.

But, enough hyperspecific personal anecdotes. If I keep going, this post would be an autobiography.

Apollo, as a patron, is a very hyper and mischievous guide and mentor. He will say things that don't make sense in the moment, but will eventually make sense. He likes his riddles. He likes his complex-meaning messages. That is why it's important to write things down, of course.

Apollo, as a Godspouse.

So, let me start with the definition of a Godspouse. A godspousal to a God, Goddess, or any divine being with the intention to devote yourself to them wholly and fully for the rest of your life. This can look like a lot of things. It can be entirely platonic, it can be romantic, it can be a continuous boss-employee work style relationship, pretty much anything. The only difference between this and a normal worship or working relationship is that it is sort of binding. It is not a light decision to make, and it should be a decision you make after years of already devoting yourself to the divine being.

I am of the unpopular belief that you can start deity work at any time during your practice, not just later on. Apollo started my practice with me, and I am of the firm belief that I only understood parts of my practice and have made so much progress with his assistance. It obviously depends on the deity you work with, which deities you accept help from, and who you let into your life. But this is an entirely separate post for another time. Apollo and I have developed a strong, firm bond over the past 10 years. And in the grand scheme of my practice, we've been godspoused for only a short while.

Our relationship is more of a romantic kind, in the sense that we have our affectionate nicknames for one another (he calls me his songbird and sunbeam, and I call him Sunspot / my sunlight). We flirt back and forth and send one another gifts (I, in the form of offerings, and he, in the form of signs and literal gifts through people in my life). It's a sweet little give-and-take we have. My end goal, though, is to become a sort of oracle for Apollo. Again, this loops back to my obsession with time and prophecy.

The End (Finally)

If you read all of that, you rock! Apollo is important to me and he has left a major imprint in my life. He is a major source of light for me and to not ramble about him this much would be a cardinal sin of which I would have to repent for. Plus, he loves and adores attention. But I will stop running my mouth. As usual, if you have any questions or requests, feel free to comment them here or submit an ask via my tumblr. Blessed be, may the sun be your guide! A domani!

[ayahimes]

𝐇𝐀𝐏𝐏𝐘 𝐍𝐄𝐖 𝐘𝐄𝐀𝐑 𝟐𝟎𝟐𝟒

hi friends ! i know i'm a bit late with my post but i still wanted to post something regardless . 2023 had been one of the hardest years of my life thus far outside of the rpc , and even in it to be honest . i lost some good friends but gained some too . i've gotten to know so many of you on a deeper level and bonded with a lot of you over shared interests . so many of you have been patient with me on this blog because of school and for that i am immensely thankful ; i know you all followed because of your interest to write and i do apologize for not being able to fully deliver that due to my busy schedule . however , i do want to allot some time this year to be better about my time management . i honestly can't wait to see what this year brings !

𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐘𝐀𝐒𝐇𝐈𝐑𝐎 𝐂𝐎𝐌𝐌𝐈𝐒𝐒𝐈𝐎𝐍 (´｡• ᵕ •｡`) ♡

@diaboelic : courtney . one of my best friends . i know i can write essays on why i am so happy to have you in my life but i promise i'll condense it . it's so crazy to me that we've been friends for almost two full years . it's wild because it honestly feels much longer . i know we're both busy making big moves and even if we don't talk every day i am always rooting for you . you're so down to earth and somehow understand how i'm feeling without me having to say it . please keep sending me fanart and spamming me with ig reels . i take forever to look at them sometimes but i love them !! also , im sorry you lost your streak in duolingo but i still think you're ahead of me by like 4 days everytime i do it . COURTNEY - SAN WA WATASHINO SUKINA HITORIDE ( i think this was right but probably not lmfao ) . i can't wait to hopefully explore japan with you . fingers crossed it's this year haha

@visionhcld : b , i will always write nice things about you no matter what . you've been my friend for like .... what .... this would be 6 years ?!!! GOD . you've seen the best and the worst . crazy to think that we made it !!!!! i love you so damn much and i am so lucky to have you in my life . i know we don't write a million active threads atm or talk every day like we used to , but i assure you it doesn't change our friendship . i love being able to pick up where we left off like nothing ever happened tbh . some people don't have that and tbh , i'm so fortunate to have found that with you . we have a ridiculous amount of inside jokes and years of history to pick apart but i leave you with one . jejota !!!

@fairesky : shado . we found each other through the funniest circumstances but i am so happy we did . you have been one of my closest friends these last two years and through you i met some other amazingly wonderful people ( cough leon cough ) . your kindness is immeasurable and i have truly learned so much from you because of it . you've taught me how to be nicer , how to be a better friend , how to care for others in a way i'd like to be treated , and just overall improved my life the last year with your presence . i love you so much and i'm really happy to have gotten to know you better over the course of 2023 . who else will i be an absolute simp with if not you haha

@iirath: essek , i know you're already aware but i am so damn happy to have gotten to know you better over the last year , even more so the last few months . i enjoy talking to you about life and getting to learn about who you are beyond the surface level . you're honestly SO tilt proof ( lmaoooo ) and surely never get mad when we play league . SURELY . thanks for speed running stardew valley with me and letting me run around not knowing what to do while you carry our farm to its greatest potential . you really have become one of my good friends and please know i always look forward to your good morning message in the server with the tired cat emoji haha

@shokutsus : LEON !!!!!!! ayaki will always reign supreme and have the best ship name . i will fight anyone who says otherwise . okay but let me just say i fucking love you dude . i know we haven't had a chance to have our tea talks on fortnite the last few months but i admit , those were some of my favorites . you've helped me through some really tough times and been there for me as a friend when i needed someone the most . i really enjoy thinking of the wildest plot lines for our characters while sleep deprived and playing fortnite ( tbh crackabella and anakin lore was big brained of us ) or discussing with kaine and courtney which part of the centipede we'd be . weird shit but i laugh typing it out lol . okay but fr i want this year to be the best one yet for you !! ps . send more pixel photos

@rosahope : fae , thank you for becoming one of my good friends this year . i'm so blessed to have met someone as grounded as you and i don't tell you enough . i know i'm too much sometimes and impulsive af , but you are my voice of reason and i appreciate it so damn much . you've helped me think outside the box and take things one step at a time . you're one of the realest people and i always welcome your honesty even if it's not something i may initially agree with . tbh i think that's what makes you such a good friends because you're transparent with me . i really am so happy for your big moves with your new job and i am always rooting for you no matter what !! you'll always be my chibiusa and my jessie <3

@prettyguardian : niniiiiiii . firstly , thank you for coming into my life and being such an amazing friend . i admire your tenacity , your creativity , your openness , your vulnerability . the list goes on . you've been there for me when i sought some direction in my life and for that i want to thank you . i know we have yet to write more aerti things but please know i will always gladly write them with you . you've helped me heal with ff . i know that sentence may sound silly at some level but it is a big thing . really !! your friendship has only added improvement within my life and i can't wait to see where it goes this year . sending you all the good vibes for 2024 !!

@cybrvce : light !!!! i'm so fortunate to have gotten to know you more over the last year and actually write with you . your characterization is truly amazing and i'm always impressed with everything you write . yes im slow as molasses but i promise it doesn't mean it's because i don't care !! i just want to write for you when i'm at my best because i want to give you quality writing !! thank you for being patient with me though . you're so kind <3 i'm genuinely so excited to start this year with your friendship !!

@deadn30n : LOOK HERE ALEXANDRA . YOU MADE IT ON THIS LIST BECAUSE YOU ARE JUST A GEM . i know we only recently became friends but in that short amount of time we bonded by playing league for like 5 hours straight lmfao . thank you for feeling comfortable enough to ask me for advice and direction though . it means a lot to me more than you know !! also i am here to write yone and kai'sa mutually fangirling/fanboying over each other . that thread is so cute and i am excited to see where it goes . ALSO I'M A NOOB AT XIV SO YOU'VE BEEN WARNED . heck im just bad at all video games lmao . but i look forward to playing them with you !!!!

𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐓𝐑𝐈 𝐂𝐎𝐌𝐌𝐈𝐒𝐒𝐈𝐎𝐍 (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧

i can't write about everyone , but i can sure as hell tag you all . please know that even if we haven't actively written it doesn't mean i don't want to . i still support you as a writer and creator and enjoy seeing you on my dash !! i have hopes that maybe we can write some day ! but i know we're all busy or overwhelmed with things outside of the rpc so there's obviously no rush . and if we have written or talked then please know that you have truly made my experience here something amazing . i was always a bit scared to come back to such a big fandom , but so many of you have welcomed me in writing ayaka and given me the opportunity to explore her more . so thank you <3

@zaihuos , @autymns , @wcvensouls , @enjomo , @todestochter , @yizao , @ungest , @raikuro , @tealsteel , @sourcewater , @dcndrohime , @rikyos , @nekasu , @meropidas , @scarletooyoroi , @viaetor , @abyssin , @crownlcsking , @raytm , @iedolon , @noctumsilenced , @noctuafought , @capravulpes , @liightbringr , @chiheru , @foliarlight , @mercyburned , @apocryphis , @anostos , @theoneandonii , @gonguji , @sinspast , @mellodiies , @pietys , @knghted , @dualisume , @artificeheart , @erabundus , @momijiba, @supportingfire , @cloudhymn , and honestly all of you .

[d1xonss]

Desert Rose

Chapter 1 ~ Introductions

✧ Pairing : Daryl Dixon x Rose

✧ Era : Season 1

✧ Word Count : 4.2k

In this chapter ~ In a life full of unexpected turns, this one by far hit Rose the hardest. A disease begins to spread when the dead are somehow brought back to life, that alone being the tip of the iceberg of what she remains to be faced with. When it all leads to her fighting for her life in Atlanta, she meets a group that ends up saving her from what she thought was the end of her rope. But when they bring her along for their great escape out of the dead infested city, she's faced with a decision that seemed to be more difficult than she first realized.

AN ~ Hi! So this is my very first post and series on tumblr and I’m still very much trying to get the feel of things lol. I originally uploaded the first two seasons of this fanfiction to wattpad and am still uploading frequently there, but I also wanted to give this a try as well. Just putting it on a different platform for more people to see:)

I will admit before you read, I started writing this story a little while ago so the phrasing and writing might be a little rusty at first seeing as I was just starting out. But I promise it gets better as it goes on, trust me! I hope whoever reads this grows to love it as much as I do. I will be uploading here as much as I can and adjusting to the new feel of things on here as quick as I can.

And I think that’s all for now! I hope you enjoy!

Fear.

That's the only emotion anyone ever feels anymore, or that's at least what I believe. Considering I've been on my own since the beginning, fear is something that I've had to grow accustomed to. And the world going to shit only made me realize how alone I truly was. How little I had to rely on as I saved myself time and time again. Though I had a family, the people whom I was bonded to by blood, they were nothing but a memory to me now. Reminding myself I was on my own for a reason.

I always knew how to take care of myself, simply because that was all I ever knew, and I was always silently thankful for that. I couldn't imagine living in this world and not knowing how to fight, or fend for yourself, so I considered myself lucky. I caught on quickly when it came time to start killing the dead, the very first time I had taken one out still haunts me to this day. The first feeling of fear I had felt in a very long time. I've learned the hard way that you never quite shake the feeling.

I had a day off from work, which was rare, just sitting in my apartment painting while the T.V. played quietly in the background. But then the whole atmosphere changed, nearly in a split second it felt like. My ears perked up when I suddenly heard blood curdling screams coming from the hallway just outside, instantly sending me flying to the front door to press my ear up against the surface. The desperate pleas and cries only seemed to worsen as the seconds ticked by, causing me to cautiously open my door to see two disgusting looking corpses going after a few of my neighbors. I froze at the scene before me.

They were trying to fight them off with random inanimate objects clutched tightly in their hands, flinching away as they tried desperately to fight back, screaming in utter terror. A part of me was torn, not wanting to step in and actually kill these things that looked exactly like us. People. But these things were no longer human, anyone could see that from a mile away.

I quickly snapped back into reality as my mind was made up, rushing back into my apartment to grab a large steak knife from my kitchen drawer, the blade glistening under the florescent light. My legs sprinted back through the corridor only moments later, stepping in as I shoved the thing up against the wall to get it away from the small group of people that had formed around it, causing the thing to growl as it looked directly at me. Goosebumps formed on my skin at the sight, quickly twirling the knife around to stab it in the chest, but it only continued to flail around in my grasp. My eyes widened as the monster didn't seem the least bit phased, trying again and again desperately to get its clawing hands away from me.

But finally, it a fit of aggravation, I took the blade and stabbed it right in between its eyes, silencing it completely as it fell limp out of my hold and onto the carpeted floor. My breathing was ragged as the others continued to panic loudly from just behind my frame, but I stayed completely still as I couldn't take my eyes away from the being I just murdered. I felt disgusting, horrified, and dazed. Though one thing I knew for certain, I couldn't stay here.

I didn't hesitate then to storm back into my home and pack a larger duffle bag full of my stuff to evacuate, knowing that this couldn't have just been happening here. Curiosity got the better of me as I flipped through the T.V. channels, landing on the news which showed utter chaos and live footage of these things attacking more people in many different countries. My heart seemed to stop for a moment as I watched, seeing that the world was nearly coming to an end as countless military machinery were flooding down the streets, attempting to put a stop to this before it spread. 

I didn't know what to do, where I would go, but I wanted to get as far away from here as possible. Looking into the dead eyes of the monster really didn't sit too well with me.

Though after that day, life was never the same. The dead slowly took over everything, killing off anyone they could get a hold of and silencing the planet completely. Leaving everyone who was left alive, utterly terrified and alone.

Two whole months had passed since the dreaded outbreak, and I found myself to be moving constantly. Never staying in the same place for too long, before packing up to move on and stay alive. That's truly all that mattered anymore.

Without having a real clear destination in mind, I somehow ended up in the city of Atlanta Georgia, just passing through the large structures hoping to gather some supplies before moving on all over again. But what I didn't expect, was to see hundreds of corpses filling the streets. My eyes widened at the sight as soon as I turned the corner, hoping to just silently slip away as I backed up from the giant swarm. But a few of their heads turned as they somehow spotted me, and the numbers only grew from there.

I practically sprinted in the other direction as fast as I could, slipping in between a few buildings to try and outrun the many that chased me with outstretched hands. But somehow, I ended up right in a dead end, the alley being blocked off by a giant wall in which I couldn't escape. My heart pounded as I slowly turned back around to face the dead, seeming to accept my fate as I had nowhere else to turn.

And that brings me to today. No, I didn't die...but if I'm being honest, a part of me wished that I had.

Instead of feeling the corpse's dead fingers tearing into me, a few living people came out of nowhere from the tall building to my right and began killing off the dead one by one, right before my eyes. I stood completely still as I thought at first I might be dreaming, but one of the men quickly grabbing my arm and pulling me along like a rag doll told me it was far from that.

Anyone else would be grateful for these people being at the right place at the right time, but I unfortunately didn't work too well with others, so grateful isn't really the word I would use.

So, currently you could say I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place as I racked my brain, trying to figure out how to get out of the situation I was put in. One of the men that had saved me was wearing a God awful hat that made me want to walk back in the herd of walkers. His name, I learned, was Rick Grimes and he and his group were the ones that helped me get out of the pickle I got myself in, along with dragging me with them as they too escaped from the large city of Atlanta. From what I overheard the others talking loudly about, they had just managed to save Rick as well, who was having just as bad of a day as I was, an hour before they saved me. To me it looked like we were both just random strangers that they decided to pick up like lost dogs.

Though I was weary of them, the rest of the group seemedto be nice enough, except for this asshole Merle who was this racist, sexist, piece of shit. Spewing out slurs and insults from his lips every five minutes and only pushing my urge further to walk towards the flesh eating monsters. Wanting to just end my suffering. Though, to make a very long story short, we ended up leaving him handcuffed on the roof of a building where we were once trapped. And much to my surprise, it wasn't on purpose. Rick eventually had enough of the man's bullshit and took his fancy, shiny handcuffs to lock him in place on a metal pole, and a man named T-Dog accidentally dropped his key to freedom down a drain.

But when the time came, we had no choice but to leave him when the dead had broken into the building we were holed up in. The only option we really had now was to maybe go back for him later. Maybe. But to put it into perspective on how uncomfortable I was, riding in this truck with them to their camp...I would rather switch places with Merle.

I was suddenly pulled out of my thoughts when the vehicle we were riding in stopped abruptly, assuming we were at the sanctuary these people had been talking so much about. I took a moment to lean forward and glance out the windshield at my surroundings, not liking the feeling that was forming in my gut at the thought of meeting anyone new. But Rick caught me scanning the area, reading my expression from where he sat in the passenger seat and clearly sensed my nerves.

Though he eventually caught my eye, "Don't worry too much...we're in this together." he assured, flashing a half smile at me that made the corners of his eyes wrinkle.

I raised my eyebrows at his attempt. Oh, thank God we're in this together. 

The man who was driving, Morales, told us to come out and meet everyone with a nod before he jumped out of the truck to run to his family. I shared another uneasy look with Rick before slowly following his actions to see for myself what I would be dealing with. My gaze scanned through everyone that was gathered around and instantly all their attention was on me once they heard my door slam shut. I grew uncomfortable at all the watchful eyes boring holes straight into my forehead, but the kid named Glenn eventually stepped in when he sensed the obvious tension.

"Guys, this is Rose. We saved her back in the city. She's cool." he assured with a smile, silently telling all of them to back off.

I shifted uncomfortably, forcing a small smile though it couldn't have been more fake. It seemed as though after Glenn said something, everyone relaxed a bit, thinking that I wouldn't be much of a threat. Though I could be. But they didn't need to know that. I didn't plan on hurting these people or taking their fishing poles unless they tried something with me first. But by the looks of it, some of these people looked like they couldn't even kill a fly, so I made the assumption that I was somewhat safe.

Though all of a sudden, the whole atmosphere seemed to change, everything happening in slow motion as a few people stared at me wide eyed. A man, a woman, and a kid. Confusion crossed my face as I wondered what I did to make these people stare daggers at me, until I heard a small gasp from behind. I looked over my shoulder to see Rick standing there in awe, wearing the same expression they did as he processed the situation in disbelief. I soon realized that they had been looking just behind me the entire time and quickly stepped off to the side as fast as I could.

Well, that's fucking embarrassing.

The little boy then took off in a flash towards Rick, screaming "Dad!" as he cried, and then it all seemed to click. This was the family Rick briefly mentioned to the group. The family he had been trying desperately to find. They had been here the whole time.

Everyone watched as they reunited with laughter and tears, the heartwarming scene almost causing me to smile. Though I snapped out of it with a shake of my head, my eyes now lingering down toward the ground as I crossed my arms around my middle.

After the moment had passed, that only came time for very long and boring introductions as Rick and I seemed to meet everyone else in the camp. I nodded towards everyone somewhat politely as I learned each of their names that I would surely accidentally forget. Although one seemed to really stick out to me amongst the many others.

Someone briefly mentioned the name Dixon, and I couldn't help but ponder over it for longer than necessary. The familiarity left a bad taste in my mouth. Apparently, Merle had a brother. And here I thought one was enough.

However, I had yet to meet him because the older man, Dale, informed me he was currently out hunting somewhere in the woods just ahead of us. But the truth was I didn't need to meet the man to know that he was an asshole just like the one we left behind. I mean, they were related after all.

The entire group then sat around a fire once the sun finally set, eating something small they cooked for the night, while discussing some random things that people would occasionally bring up. But the hot topic currently was what would they say to Daryl when the time came to tell him about his relative. In my mind it was pretty simple, but it was clear these people didn't want to be too harsh about it.

"How do we break it to him?" Dale asked.

"We just tell him the truth," Rick stated simply, "I'll tell him, I mean I was the one who cuffed him."

"No, I'll tell him...I'm the one who dropped the key." T-Dog gently argued, the guilt clearly getting to him.

Glenn sighed as he picked at the food on his plate, "I don't mean to bring race into this but...it might sound better coming from a white guy."

I couldn't help but roll my eyes hearing them going back and forth about the sensitive subject, hearing the same things being said over and over again. I stayed completely silent during the debate as I felt it was far from my business to put in my input, slowly tuning their conversation out. It was then I came to the realization that I couldn't stay here. Stepping even a foot into this camp was clearly a big mistake, I didn't belong with the rest of them. I was always better off alone.

And what seemed to annoy me the most was that I didn't have a choice, they just dragged me back here without even asking, without a care in the world. To me, that alone was a good enough reason to flee the moment I got the chance.

As the hour grew late and the sun disappeared from the sky, they all collectively decided to call it a night as everyone went their separate ways. I planned to head off into the forest to sleep, unprepared to trust the environment here as I felt I always had to keep my guard up. It made me feel safer, more secure, and it gave me an easier escape route for when morning came.

I jumped at the opportunity to be alone, grabbing my things and stepping over the few logs in my way to head toward the tree line for some much needed silence. Though just as I was about to receive the smallest taste of freedom, a voice calling out behind me caused me to stop.

"Hey, Rose!" I recognized Dale's voice softly shout.

My chest raised up and down with a deep sigh, turning around to face him as I looked at him expectantly. "I know you don't have a tent of your own or anything, but we do have some extra room in the RV..." 

I continued to stare, hardly showing any emotion on my face at all as I tried to read him, figuring out what his intentions were.

"Look, I know you're new and clearly don't feel too comfortable here just yet...but I just want to make sure you have a safe place to sleep. Now, you don't have to, I just thought I would offer." he said, finishing with a smile.

It was no secret to me that Dale was a good person and a decent man. There were definitely some people in this group that gave me a bad feeling right off the bat, however, Dale wasn't one of them. But I needed to get away. I only wanted this group to be a distant memory in the back of my mind and nothing more.

So, with that I shook my head, "I'm okay." I said as politely as I could before heading off into the forest.

I could hear him sigh from behind me as I walked away but I didn't let it bother me. I needed to go. A part of me didn't even want to sleep so I could get a head start to put some distance between me and this place, but I was fairly tired from running for my life throughout the day. So, I figured I should sleep for a couple of hours and leave before anyone else woke to head off to...well, anywhere but here.

My eyes groggily peeled open the following morning just before the sun began to rise over the hills, looking at it made me guess was it was around four or five in the morning. I yawned and stretched tiredly before standing up to my full height and placing my bag securely on my back, ready to head off in the opposite direction of the camp as the dirt crunched loudly beneath my feet. Although I didn't get very far, maybe about five steps before something suddenly stopped me in my tracks. I stood frozen there for a minute, just thinking. For some reason there was a certain hunch I had, an inkling of sorts. Something telling me to stop.

My mind started to spiral with many different thoughts, enough to give you a headache, but then that's where I stopped myself. My whole life whenever I had a gut feeling about something, I needed to trust it. My little intuition was almost never wrong. And although most impressions like this were like warnings about uneasy feelings, this one was different. Like a magnet was pulling me back to the group. A strong ass magnet.

I found myself plopping back down on my ass, my back up against the tree with my knees to my chest, just lost in my own thoughts, debating and arguing with myself for what felt like hours when in reality it was probably only a few minutes. But a golden flicker of light appearing out of the corner of my eye is what made me look back up, seeing the sun beginning to rise higher in the sky enough to kiss my cheeks. Okay...so it really had been a few hours.

But even after clear hours had passed me by, I was still left very torn about to do with myself. My head was screaming at me to just get out of here, to be on my own without any limitations or responsibilities. But my heart was calmly telling me to stay, to see how it would work out in the end if I went against my better judgement. I hadn't had a real group at all since the outbreak first happened, but in my mind, I never wished for one. I always believed it was okay to be alone, watching out for yourself rather than anyone else dragging you down. That was the logical way to survive...wasn't it?

With that I let out an aggravated groan and slowly stood back up to make my walk of shame back into camp, knowing it would eat me alive if I didn't give it another chance. One more day, I promised myself, and if nothing changed, I'd leave tonight.

As I walked back into the grounds, I noticed some people were already awake in the early hours of the morning much to my surprise. Carol and her daughter Sophia were sitting up on one of the logs talking quietly to each other, the woman's gaze glancing up as she noticed my movement. She sent me a sweet smile with a small wave, to which I nodded to her in return.

My eyes then looked away from her for a split second when I caught a brief glimpse of Rick walking away from the campsite, a certain determination in his step and his head low. I stayed in place as I watched his figure disappear, before I found my feet slowly moving forward to follow him. I didn't know why I did. I just grew curious, I guess.

When I caught up to his long strides, I found him sitting on a larger rock, seemingly talking to himself though I couldn't make out the words from where I was standing. It was all too hushed and quiet. But then my eyes panned over a bit to see a device in his hands, his mouth lowering closer as he spoke into it. Good to know he wasn't batshit crazy or anything.

Though as I shifted my weight and prepared to leave him be, I somehow accidently stepped too far to the right and directly onto a branch that snapped loudly under my boot. My eyes closed the second it happened, silently cursing to myself. Rick's head seemed to whip around the moment the sound hit his ears, his hand hovering over his gun in its holster, but his body instantly relaxed when he realized I wasn't a walking corpse.

The man then flashed me a small smile as he recovered from the mini heart attack, "Hey...you're up early."

I lifted my arm to check my imaginary watch, "No shit." 

He nodded slowly, "You're not a morning person...noted." he spoke before sighing to himself as he stared at me, "You know, I can tell you've been alone for quite some time. And I know you're probably scared, but-"

"I'm not scared of anything." I was quick to correct, my harsh tone even surprising myself.

His brows raised a little, whether it was because of my words or the fact that I interrupted him, I wasn't sure. But one thing I knew for certain was I wasn't going to stand here and listen to him accuse me of the things I was feeling when he didn't know anything about me at all. Everyone around here might've been scared of this new world, but I sure as hell wasn't. Maybe that was another reason I shouldn't be here; these people didn't know what the hell they were doing. Too scared to have a steady head on their shoulders. 

"Okay, maybe you're not scared... but you are alone." he spoke again.

I didn't open my mouth to respond as my eyes narrowed at him further. Thanks, captain obvious.

He continued, "Look, I know you don't trust us, but all I'm asking for is that you give us a chance. I saw the way you were looking at everyone last night, like you were ready to pounce any minute in case anyone tried anything. But I can tell you need us as much as we need you-"

"Okay," I interrupted with a wave of my hand, "Let me stop you right there before you break out into song and dance. I'm going to make something perfectly clear. I don't need you, or your parade of assholes back there for anything. I have always been just fine on my own, and last time I checked I didn't even ask for you to save me and bring me back here. You just did it. So don't tell me I'm scared, or I need any of you because that is far from the truth, asshole." I spoke harshly.

He stared at me for a few seconds not knowing how to respond, but he clapped back quicker than I expected, "Alright, fair enough. You're right... I don't know you. You didn't ask me to save you, and you don't look like you need anyone's help. All I'm just saying is it's nice to have other people watching your back. I felt completely alone until I found a man and his son while looking for my family, and now I can be a part of this group...and so can you. You just have to trust it...give it a chance."

My brows furrowed as I opened my mouth to retaliate, but it was apparently his turn to cut me off instead, "I can understand if you want to leave. Just know that...everyone in camp likes the idea of having you around."

His response was far from what I expected, finding I didn't say anything in return mostly because I couldn't find the right words. How could he be so understanding over someone he didn't even know? It honestly blew my mind a little.

When he saw I wasn't going to argue further, he turned back around to watch the sun continue to rise. And after debating in my head for a minute or two, I decided to walk over and sit myself next to him on the giant rock. He glanced at me when I sat down, probably expecting me to say some smart ass comment in return to his statement, but I didn't. We just sat in comfortable silence until the sky was no longer orange and pink, but now turning into more of a pale blue with clouds slowly filling up the remaining space. It was somewhat refreshing.

I could tell he was about to move and stand up to his feet, probably to head back to camp, but I said something that stopped him.

"I never wanted to be alone." I confessed, not taking my eyes off the sky.

As soon as the words left my lips, I closed my eyes for a moment as I regretted what I said almost instantly. I didn't want to admit defeat to anyone, let alone a stranger, but I figured I should in this case for him to truly understand what I was feeling.

I felt his eyes on me as he said nothing, expecting me to continue, so I did. "I was already alone before the world went to shit...and I guess I've just gotten used to being by myself. It's kind of exhausting looking out for other people."

He still remained silent.

"My point is, I don't know if I'm staying." I said, finally turning to look at him.

He nodded, "That's okay. Just...make sure to think about it before you make any rash decisions. Who knows...maybe you'll change your mind." he said almost suggestively before finally standing up to head back in the opposite direction.

I turned my head and watched his frame retreat away from me for a few seconds, his words echoing in my mind, before returning all my attention back to the sky. A part of me still wanted to go, the fear of the unknown creeping back up on me, however I did tell myself that I would give it another chance. But if I couldn't find a reason to say by tonight, that was that. I would leave this group behind.

~ Thanks for reading!