#happening recently and. fuck. i dont like what my life is becoming. i try my best to keep it together but god it's hard sometimes

[silverselfshippingchaos]

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[opens-up-4-nobody]

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[kalashtars]

venting in the tags yippeee

[toastsnaffler]

man. getting a little sick of being everyones 15th option for everything. when is it my turn to be someone's first choice :^[

[ateezthings]

Hiiii

Can u do a non idol strangers to lovers scenario for san or seonghwa (or honestly whoever u want) pls🤠❤️

And also dont listen to ur boss ur writing is amazing

A painful meet-cute

Pairings: non-idol!San x genderneutral reader

Warnings: reader getting hurt by accident, blood, medication, San being a slight asshole in the beginning

Word count: 1,4k

Songs to listen to while reading:

cxlt., nuver – rays of light

gibran alcocer – idea 22 (sped up)

amistat – keep your head up

pvris – anywhere but here

the native - time

It was still light out, when you left the office at 8 pm. The sun had been shining all day, so the air was warm, a light breeze dancing through the streets. Some would say it was the perfect summer day.

You had a very stressful day at work, rushing from one meeting to the next. You barely had time for a bathroom break or getting something to drink. It seemed every single coworker had a task for you. Needless to say, you felt drained and in dire need of some food and relaxation.

As you slowly dragged your feet towards the train station, people passed you by, most of them smiling and talking to their friends. What were they so happy about? For you, life recently was simply getting ready for work, working, or getting home from work. These people however seemed to just be enjoying the nice summer evening.

Maybe that was the problem, maybe you should do things again outside of work, that made you enjoy life again. As you boarded the train you couldn’t think of anything that you wanted to do, so you decided to just take a walk along the river. That used to calm you down a few years ago.

Watching the blueish-greyish body of water helped you relax a lot in a short period of time. You watched couples having  picknicks on the grass, people taking their dogs for walks, some were even working out. As you walked along the river you racked your brain for activities you used to enjoy: Reading, going to cute cafes, dancing, meeting friends for boba. All of it lost its appeal when you thought about doing it. You hadn’t realized how grey and dull your life had become.

It was time to make a change. But how could you go about it, when work took up such a big part of your day?

You didn’t have time to ponder any longer, as a strong force suddenly knocked you down, making you fall over, face first. You were so surprised, you didn’t have time to stop the fall. Next thing you knew your nose was being squished on the ground. A throbbing pain started to spread from the center of your face.

“Ow, fuck” You tried to lift yourself up into a seated position.

“Oh my god, I’m so sorry, are you okay?” When you looked up to where the voice came from, you were met with dark, wide-open eyes. The person was wearing a hat and a black mask.  

“Obviously not, idiot, watch where you’re going, man” You felt hot liquid running down your face. Of course this had to happen to you. Perfect end to the perfect day.

“I’m really really sorry, my friend and I were trying to see who could run faster, and I totally didn’t see you… Shit, your nose is really bleeding”. The guy reached his hand out to you.

With one motion you slapped his hand away. “No need, I can take care of myself”

You got up, careful not to let any blood drop onto your shirt and got a tissue out of your bag. You pressed it into your nostrils. The tissue was full of blood, when you looked at it.

“Listen, I again am so sorry, for running into you like that, but I’m kind of in a hurry, will you be okay?” You picked up genuine regret from the tone of their voice, you couldn’t believe the audacity though. “Ugh, whatever, just go back to where you came from.” And he did.

For the first time, you lifted your gaze to see who the person was. He looked like a modern day ninja, wearing black workout clothes under baggy shorts. There was no telling who he was, as he was already turned away from you and about 20 feet in front of you. He had a broad back though, you had to give him that. Why were all hot people jerks?

…

The next day, you went to the doctor to get your nose checked. It was still throbbing and you were in pain. It turned out to be only a bruise and you should be fine in a few weeks. The doctor gave you a prescription for some pain killers. When you went to the pharmacy to get them, there was a long line of people in front of you. Great, as if you hadn’t already suffered enough.

Alas, you stood in the queue as there was nothing else to do. You scrolled through Instagram for a while. Somehow you were getting a lot of depressed but relatable millennial content on your feed. Times like these really made you scared if social media apps could somehow read your thoughts. No, don’t keep thinking about that brain, can’t go into full existential crisis mode.

Finally, it was your turn to talk to the pharmacist and you handed her your prescription. She looked at it for a while and pressed a few keys on her keyboard. Then she turned to look at you. “I’m really sorry, but it seemed we currently don’t have the exact ones you’ve been prescribed. Can I get you different ones? They’re not as strong as the original ones, but we currently don’t have any other pain killers.”

After you paid for your lower level pain killers you rushed to get out of there. What you didn’t expect was the tall man standing right around the corner, deeply immersed in his phone. You almost ran into him, but were able to stop before anything bad happened. He, however dropped his phone and a little box in surprise.

“Oh sorry, I didn’t see you there” As you apologized, you looked him in the eyes. Those eyes seemed kind of familiar. Yeah, you had seen them before. It took a second before you realized that those were the eyes of the person who ran into you last night. “It’s you…”

Before you could think of what to say, your phone started ringing. You rushed to pick up the call, it was your boss. “Hello? Is everything alright?” Your boss told you that there had been a series of emergency e-mails being sent to your whole department by one of your most important clients. They couldn’t reach you but had an ‘urgent matter’ to discuss with you. And apparently an ‘urgent matter’ couldn’t wait another hour for you to get back from your doctor’s appointment.

You groaned as you hung up. The mystery man, you almost ran into a few moments ago, was gone. You looked around for him, but found only the little box on the floor he had dropped earlier. It was the exact brand of pain killers your doctor had prescribed you.

…

A little sweet treat after dinner was a non-negotiable to you. So while you browsed the candy isle at the nearest convenience store, you couldn’t decide on just one treat. With your basket of sugary heaven you made your way to the cashier. There was only one person in front of you.

“Oh no, I think I left my wallet and card at home” You heard the person in front of you say.

“Well, then how do you intend to pay?” The cashier person retorted. There were just two vitamin drinks on the scanning table.

You immediately felt sorry for him. You had once been in that situation and it was so awkward and uncomfortable. Back then no one helped you and you were forced to return your items, leaving you with no sweet treat after a hard day’s work.

“I’ll pay for that.” You moved to the front, putting your stuff on the table for the cashier to scan. You noticed the person in front of you staring at you and your enormous amount of candy. You couldn’t care less though, seeing as they were depended on you in this situation. After paying, you put your yield in your bag and made your way towards the exit.

“Thank you, you didn’t have to do that” It was the guy for whom you had just paid for.

“Oh, don’t mention it, I was in that same situation a few weeks ago and no one was there to help me so I was happy to help.”

It was only after you both had exited the store that you looked at him properly. You saw the same broad shoulders, same dark eyes, same black mask on his face. “It’s you again?...”

“Hey, I’m San” He pulled down his face mask, giving you a smile, that sent waves of warmth through your entire body.

...

[cosmousee]

ADVICE FOR MERCURY RETROGRADE 📢📢

Hey folks!!

I hope everyone is okay, hope being the keyword. I felt like everyone around me is in a crisis and decided to do a mercury retrograde reading, because we need to make it make sense!!

I still have a lot of asks left to do, but this felt important so here I am!!

Okay with out further ado, pick a pile from 1>>2>>3

For all three piles, the moon cards are Full Moon cards, which basically means energy is peaking. And at times, when energy peaks, your mind and body does not understand how to cope with it and hence, it comes out as frustration and anger. So just know, its not you, its just the energies and it's gonna be okay very very soon!!!

Pile 1

Your Dreams Need a Practical Plan (Full Moon In Taurus)

Your tarot cards are so much in sync with the oracle card, I honestly love when it happens.

Anywho, you have a goal in your mind, but you don't have a proper plan of achieving it.

You know, you fantasize about your goal, that you've achieved it, how amazing it feels and everything. Which is great and it literally feeds energy into your manifestations as well!

However, you got to atleast make a very starting, list of baby steps you will take in order to achieve those goals.

Currently, through the tarot cards, its clear that if you pursue your goals you'll end up as the King of pentacles, at the highest level of abundance. But, with the reversed 10 of pentacles, you aren't working with a well defined plan. The retrograde might be trying to pull your focus towards this, and with the full moon energy of the card, you would feel frustrated with as well. but take a breath, you know what you have to do. Start moving towards it and hopefully mercury will start being a little gentle with you!🫂

Pile 2

Its time to release negativity (Full moon in Scorpio)

You are good enough (Full moon in Virgo)

Cards are telling you to look at the bigger picture, you've got the world in your hands with the two of wands. Appreciate all that you have and look forward to the future with a lot of love. Also, be mindful of where you are putting your energy and from where you are receiving it as well. If there's anything which is not serving you, learn to let go of that and be intentional with it. The full moon is in Scorpio, which is a water sign, so you can try washing away the negative energies through water baths/shower, or whatever works for you.

The retrograde might also be pushing you to see how good and amazing you are. Its telling you to celebrate yourself more and love yourself more. You may have difficulty seeing that during this time, or whatever is happening in your life is exactly opposite to what the cards are saying, but that is just for you to realise how wrong all of it is, and reinforce your faith in your own self, and being confident with what you are and what you are becoming.

I'll give a little example of what happened with me recently, in my university. Basically my morale and motivation took a hit because of some seniors saying that my whole batch of '26 is not performing upto the mark. Which, personally, I know I am lacking over all, but whatever I am doing is my best. After stewing in that feeling for a day, I went to my club/committee seniors and they told me how well I was working and… everything was bright again.

So.. yeah, it sucks, but this is your sign to fuck the negativities out of your life, and focus on the better things, and make yourself a priority!!!💌

Pile 3

Show the world the Real you (Full moon in Aquarius)

I think you have been conforming, or living according certain rules in your life, which you dont necessarily enjoy or resonate with. It might be easier to just follow the traditions and the rules, rather than being yourself and acting against it, while having to defend yourself for embodying your true self.

Fortunately, or unfortunately, this retrograde will be hella pushing you towards breaking out of these norms, and finally emerging into the world as the real you. You might be feeling fueled up with a lot of inspiration and a lot of energy, because retrograde and the full moon energy of this card.

These might be huge transformations, changing your appearance, your hair colour, getting a new piercing. Or even mental changes, you might create new boundaries, or let go of old ones, revise new ones etc etc. You might even start questioning out loud about the norms and the regulations you used to follow. This would give you a good reality check of your likes and dislikes, and then you can start your transformational journey from there!!💓

Okay! This is all I have for you today <3.

I have tried my level best to give a proper reading, but it might get a little incoherent at some places (I am burnt out from uni assignments).

I hope this helps and you feel better during the rest of the retrograde🥺🫂

[thejakeslayla]

I have a script idea in my mind, but if you don't want to, you can of course not write it.

I had a fight with Jake this morning and i got angry and went to the club with my friend to drink. The end of the night, i was so drunk, my friend called my bf Jake, and asked him to pick me up. Then while Jake is trying to drive me home we start arguing about why I went to the club and why get so drunk. Later, when he sees that we are really bad-drunk, he worries about me and takes good care of me.

I'm sorry if it's too much, you don't have to write it. I hope it didn't sound like an order. I dont want to be misunderstood. :(

╰─▸❝ going through hard time in your relationship with jake ❞

idol!jake x gn! reader ୨୧ genre angst, fluff at the ending ୨୧ warnings profanity, alcohol, neglect of relationship and a dog, arguments, kissing, sfw intimacy (jake helping reader change) ୨୧ wc 3k

you woke up unusually early today. your boss had called you two days ago and requested that you come in earlier due to the recent workload at your company. you agreed to the request, and the night before, as you prepared to wake up early, you asked jake to walk layla, your adorable border collie puppy.

as you left the bed, jake sensed the absence of your warmth and presence. he shifted in bed as you gathered your things from the desk. glancing in his direction, you greeted him with a smile, taking note of how he was presently rubbing his sleepy eyes. he appeared incredibly endearing, with disheveled hair and a groggy expression on his face.

"where are you going, angel?" he asked, his morning voice, with its deep and soothing timbre, melting your heart. you packed everything into your bag and approached the bed. you playfully tousled his blond locks and planted a gentle kiss on his forehead.

"i'm going to work, baby. don't forget to take layla for a walk, okay?" you reminded him, thinking that he might still be half-asleep and not thinking clearly. as you began to move away, jake grabbed your wrist, preventing you from getting too far.

"what? I have morning practice today, i can't," he said, and you looked at him, realizing he was fully awake now and understanding the situation.

"jake, I told you yesterday right after you got home. do you even listen to me when i talk to you?"

you understood that your boyfriend had a busy schedule, but lately, it felt like he wasn't fully present when you spoke to him. he used to pay attention to even the smallest details of your conversations, but recently, he seemed to forget the topics altogether. when the first week passed, you attributed it to him being overworked, as it had happened before, but now it had been weeks.

he didn’t have time for you, which you at some point got used to, you understood, it was his job. but layla was his puppy, he was the one to grow up with her and you just came into his life, when layla was already there. at the very least, he should be able to spare some time for her, a single walk wouldn't hurt him. 

you sighed, your expression becoming more irritated. he remained silent for a while, and when he finally responded, you couldn't help but explode in anger.

“y/n, i can’t. just walk her today, please.” 

he had the audacity to ask you to walk her, even though you did it every day. it's not like you didn't enjoy it; in fact, you loved it. but you weren't the rightful owner of layla. sometimes it felt that way, as you were the one feeding her, playing with her, taking her to the vet, and walking her.

“jake, literally what the fuck is wrong with you?” you exclaimed, unable to contain the anger that had been building up over the weeks.“are you aware that layla is also your fucking dog? i moved in with you, and yes, i agreed to take care of her too because i treat her like my own, even though she isn't.” 

“i get that and i truly understand that you’re too busy to spend time with me, but she’s a fucking dog!I can't explain to her that her dad is a neglectful owner who's too busy with work to even walk her when i'm busy!” you shouted. “you're not the only one with a job here. i've had to leave early numerous times to take care of her or handle things for you because you were too busy.” 

“show her that you love her at least! you already don’t show me that, so do it for her!” 

with those words, you left, slamming the bedroom door behind you. your whole day was now ruined. you despised how jake had been treating you and your precious "puppy daughter" lately. you noticed how layla always waited by the front door, ignoring your calls when it was bedtime, falling asleep on the doormat rather than in your bed right behind you. she was always near you, ready to comfort you when you cried because of jake's absence. she missed him as much as you did, but she was a puppy who wouldn't understand why jake wasn't home.

you said goodbye to hear, promising her that you'd be back soon. leaving the house, you felt a heavy weight pressing down on you with each step. a knot of anxiety and unbearable sadness twisted in your stomach.

on the other side, jake remained in bed, utterly shocked by your words. when he realized that he should probably apologize and agree with you, that he had been a terrible owner to layla and an awful boyfriend to you, it was already too late. you had left.

he looked at layla, who appeared clearly clueless, wagging her tail as she noticed that jake was awake. he patted the mattress, inviting her up.

as you arrived at the office, your coworker and best friend of several years instantly picked up on your bad mood. she didn't press you for details, knowing that you would open up during lunch. 

and it did happen. as you took another bite of your rice, she sat down next to you, and it took only a few minutes for you to vent and share the morning's argument with jake 

"i just don't understand. it's not like i don't enjoy taking care of layla, but it feels like he's changed. we used to take walks with her together, play with her together, and—" you sighed, toying with your food as your mind filled with memories of you and jake spending time together.

"i absolutely adore her. it really feels like she's just my dog, like she's not jake's dog anymore. but he told me when i moved in that she's our dog now, that we'd both take care of her." 

"i don't know anymore. i just want to get absolutely wasted tonight," you concluded, looking at your best friend.

"well, you could say that you three are like a family now. it says a lot about jake if he's treating layla and you like that. i don't even want to imagine if layla were a human, not a dog." 

and you thought about it. jake wouldn't treat his own human daughter like this, would he?

you didn't even realize when the scenery changed, and you found yourself in a nearby club, sipping on your second, or maybe third, drink. you were ready to order another one when your friend stopped you.

"remember that you're lightheaded, okay? i don't want you to end up sick from another drink." you could tell she was concerned, but you paid her no attention. your goal for the night was to forget all your problems.

after about two more drinks, you danced for a solid hour, immersing yourself in the crowd, engaging in small talk, and meeting new people. one drink too many, and your head landed on the table. everything was spinning, and your stomach felt uneasy. you tried to calm yourself with deep breaths, you weren’t ready to go home, you didn’t want to see jake just yet.

as you closed your eyes to rest, you immediately regretted it as everything spun even faster.

"y/n, you don't look well. i think that's enough for you," your best friend's soft voice whispered near your ear. 

"maybe you should pick up the phone and ask jake to come get you?" she asked. you had been ignoring jake's calls since you finished your first drink. it was even later now, and your phone showed 23 missed calls and 31 messages.

"he's probably worried about you, y/n. you should at least text him that you're okay."

and as she said that, your phone rang again. you weren't quick enough, as your best friend picked up the phone.

"hi, umm... i work with y/n. she's okay, yes. she's safe, but... well, she's drunk. i told her to call you, but she keeps saying she doesn't want to talk to you. i'll message you the address. please come get her."

and just like that, almost ten minutes later, you heard his voice. god, how much you hated his beautiful voice right now. 

"y/n! princess, my dear," you heard him getting closer. he wrapped his arm around your waist as he sat next to you. "why didn't you tell me you were going clubbing?"

"leave me alone, jaeyun. i don't want to talk to you," you mumbled, trying to move away, but he was simply too strong.

"it's okay. let's just go home and talk, okay?" 

you couldn't resist his firm grasp, and he easily guided you into the car. with all the movement, your stomach churned, and you had to fight the urge to throw up. as you got into the car, jake handed you a bottle of water and fastened your seatbelt, but he didn't start the car yet.

"can we talk?" he asked, his voice gentle and quiet.

“there's nothing to talk about. just drive me home," you replied, ignoring his extended hand holding the water bottle.

“y/n–“ 

"there's nothing to talk about!" you shouted, frustrated and intoxicated enough to raise your voice. 

“can you at least fucking listen to me?” he also raised his voice, trying to be heard over you. 

“listen, i know i fucked up. i walked layla this morning, i left work early, and i spent time with her. i understand how you felt, and—“ 

“you don’t understand shit.” you spat out. “you have no idea how much you've hurt me.” 

“but layla is fine–“ 

"it's not about layla! for weeks, i've been wondering why you're avoiding me, because that's how it feels. you're only home to sleep and, sometimes maybe eat, when you feel like acknowledging your girlfriend. but oh, sorry, you don't even listen to her!" you cut him off, too angry to hold back, the alcohol removing any filter.

"i really don't get what changed. i don't understand what i did to deserve this treatment. but if this is what our relationship is going to look like, i don't want to be in it." 

jake’s eyes widened, shocked that you could actually break up with him. you – the love of his life, his princess, his angel, his everything. e was one hundred percent sure he couldn't live without you. his source of happiness, you were his source of happiness. he grabbed your wrist, gently squeezing it. 

“y/n, don’t say that.” he finally spoke, and you finally realised how hurt he was, the sadness in his voice evident.

“drive me home.” 

and he did. he helped you out of the car, and you clung to him as if your life depended on it. he guided you to the bed and left you there to change, going to fetch water, a bowl in case you needed to vomit, and some medicine to prevent a hangover the next day.

as he returned to the bedroom, you were lying on the bed, still in your clothes, wrapped in a blanket.

"hey, angel. here, drink some water, okay?" he said softly, brushing the hair from your face. he helped you take a few sips, but you ended up chugging the entire glass.

"let me help you, okay?" he said, helping you sit up. he handed you one of his t-shirts and a pair of your pajama pants. he sighed when he turned around to you and you were laying down again. after yet again, forcing you to sit up, he grabbed the end of your blouse. 

“may i?” he asked and when you nodded, the cold air attacked your warm skin. you groaned at the feeling. “here, here. one second, princess.” he said, noticing your reaction. he helped you put on the t-shirt and quickly moved to your pants. you accidentally kicked him a couple of times as he tried to remove your clothes, but it wasn't hard enough to hurt him.

once you were changed, he wrapped the blanket around you. then he left the bedroom again, returning with another glass of water. as he set it down, he noticed you had already fallen into a deep sleep, your cheek pressed against the pillow as you hugged a plushie.

he remembered the day he had won that plushie for you. you had joked that it was a miniature version of him, as it was a golden retriever plushie. secretly, he had sprayed it with his perfume every time he had to leave for a tour, leaving you with it to cuddle at night. 

he adored the way you looked when you slept, your face so relaxed, your body rising and falling with your steady breathing. you appeared innocent and pure. he couldn't resist himself, and despite the strong smell of alcohol on you, he placed a kiss on your forehead and then your cheek.

his hand almost unconsciously moved to your head, softly stroking your hair as he sat beside you.

"i'm so sorry, angel," he whispered, still admiring your face. "i should've known better. i should've realized you were hurting."

"i love you so much. if i could, i would go back in time and fix everything. spend more time with you, appreciate you more, and show you just how much i really love you."

if only jake knew that you weren't asleep, that the moment he had touched your head, you had awakened. you couldn't help but feel sad, heartbroken even, as you heard his words. 

"i'm so sorry for being a bad boyfriend, a bad dog owner, and just... overall a bad person. i got so caught up in my work that i forgot i also needed to take care of you. you're way more important than work. you're the love of my life, the person i want to spend my future with. i have so many plans that involve you, my angel."

"jake..." you whispered, slowly opening your eyes.

he withdrew his hand, realizing that you had heard everything he had just confessed. instead of saying anything else, you opened your arms, inviting him into a hug 

"i love you," you said, as he wrapped his arms around you.

"i love you so much, y/n. i'm really sorry. i'll spend more time with you, i promise. i'll be better," he spoke softly, right next to your ear, then pressing a gentle kiss on your cheek.

"it's okay, jake. i understand. it's your job, and you have to be there most of the time. i just wish you were home more often."

"i will, i promise you that, love."

in the following days, jake made a sincere effort to keep his promise of spending more time with you. he adjusted his work schedule to free up some evenings and weekends, ensuring that he had quality time to devote to both you and layla.

one sunny saturday morning, jake surprised you with a homemade breakfast in bed. it wasn’t perfect, the toast slightly burnt and your coffee had too much sugar, but it just made the whole gesture more adorable. he'd even prepared layla's favorite treats, and the three of you enjoyed a cozy meal together. it was a simple gesture, but it meant the world to you.

as the weeks passed, you noticed a positive change in jake's behavior. he was more present, attentive, and genuinely engaged in your conversations. he made an effort to plan special outings and romantic date nights, just like when you first started dating. it was as if he had rediscovered the magic of your relationship.

your bond with layla also strengthened during this time. you both took her on long walks in the park, played fetch and each day jake sent you at least one article on how to take better care of your dog. it was clear that he was determined to be the best dog dad he could be.

one evening, as you and jake cuddled on the couch watching a movie, he turned to you with a heartfelt expression. "y/n, i can't thank you enough for helping me realize what truly matters. i was so consumed by my work that i lost sight of the most important things in my life—you and layla."

tears welled up in your eyes as you reached out to hold his hand, your fingers interlocking with his. the emotions swelled within you, and you felt a profound connection to the man beside you. "jake," you began, your voice filled with sincerity, "we all make mistakes. what matters is that we learn from them and grow stronger together. i love you, and i'm so glad to see the changes you've made."

jake leaned in and pressed a soft, tender kiss to your forehead. the affectionate gesture sent a warm shiver down your spine, and you nestled even closer to him, finding comfort in his embrace. as the movie continued to play, all while their loyal four-legged companion, layla, lay at your feet, contentedly dozing off, feeling the warmth of her family surrounding her.

as time went on, the two of you learned that love wasn't just about saying "i love you." it was about showing that love through actions, and jake had proven that he was willing to do whatever it took to make your relationship stronger.

. . . . . -ˋˏ ✎ author's note! oh my!! i enjoyed writing this one so much, thank you for requesting with so much details, it was easier to understand your request and write what you actually wanted! hope you enjoyed ♡ requests: open © 2023 — all rights reserved to user thejakeslayla, please do not steal, plagiarise or translate any of my work !

[thecynthh]

confide - M.S

summery - y/n escapes to the balcony of you and matt’s room while a whole party is still buzzing under you, he finds you and lets you know that he still loves you no matter what

notes - MORE FLUFF, guys we needed more fluff, i can make a part 2 with smut in it if u whores like this one 🫶

a/n - this is me putting off smart ass 🤗

——————————————————————————

——————————————————————————

trying to escape the madness of the party happening underneath me i choose to sit on the outdoor couch on the very high balcony i sit at. i started the mini fire pit in front of me as all the supplies for it was just in a box near the door. 

the blanket that embraces me is fluffy and soft, as much as i love matt i couldn’t breath in that horrible blanket of tension his mother threw onto me. i was drilled with questions by her knowing the reason for the excessive amount. matt went through a rough break up before me, and i can’t blame her for wanting to make sure her son doesn’t go through something like that again. 

the fire crackles and pops while i just enjoy the city lights and soft jazz that plays on the upper level of the penthouse, i lay my head down on the other seat cozying up on the bamboo woven couch, the thick padding cradle me as i feel myself being lulled to sleep. 

not long after i fall asleep im woken up by the sound of the sliding door behind me, a shadowy figure walks to the side of the couch, it was matt. 

“hi sweetheart, did you get tired?” matt says, folding over to get closer to my face, the glow of the fireplace reflects every chiselled feature in his face.  i give him a soft nod while he peels his suit jacket off resting it on the chair that is also stationed towards the fire.

“hey move your head up,” i do as i’m told and he slides into the seat on the couch my head was recently covering up, he lays my head back onto his muscular thigh letting me use him as a pillow. 

“im sorry, i was so overwhelmed by your mom,” i say shameful of when i tripped over my words and made a fool of myself. 

“yeah, nick told me about it, he already told her to calm down on the questions, he also led me here to you and i don't think my mom is the only factor of you coming up here.” he says, dipping his head down to kiss my forehead. his fingers push my hair away from my face as i turn to look up at him. 

“i don’t know matt, i feel weird. i don’t belong in this sparkly dress or these high class parties. i’m so new to all of it, and don’t get me wrong, i love all of this and you so much to keep pushing through but if i’m being honest it’s really hard for me to be down there.” i hope matt understood what i meant by all of that because it really felt good to get off my chest. 

“i get it, we grew up differently, but that doesn’t change anything between us. i dont care if you were dirty and homeless on the street as long as i knew who you were i would have picked you up, housed you and loved you forever. and i'm willing to do that right now too. i don’t care if my family is worried about me, because i know that i'm alright now. you healed me.” he cupped my cheek making sure my eyes were still connected to his while he assured me of his intentions and beliefs. 

“i know i’m not what your mom envisioned who you would be with, so thank you for all of this. from the dress to the heels and your sweet words, thank you for sharing your beautiful life with me.” i sit up and begin to straddle matt, my red dress pools around us while i take matt in for a large hug. he returns it pushing my head into his neck letting me become way more calm then i was when i came up here. 

i look back up to him with a tear escaping from my perfectly done eye make up. “don’t cry please, it breaks my fucking heart when you cry.” he kisses the tear before it can run fully down my face fully. “how about we go to bed, i’ll get you all cleaned up and all i have to do is tell nick and chris that i’m not feeling well and we can cuddle all night, sounds good?” i eagerly nod, giving an enthusiastic yes. 

he wraps my straddled legs around his torso and carries me inside, keeping me bundled up in my blanket as I'm moved to the bed, before promptly putting out the fire i started. he retreats back to me bringing one of my silk black cami tops to change into while he goes to my large vanity and brings back a soaked cotton pad to use to clean my face of running mascara and concealer. 

he gently rubs and wipes across my face seeing him extremely focused on the task in front of him. he tosses the stained pad and he lets me crawl into bed. “okay i’ll be back im just going to find chris or nick to update them, i won’t be long.” he lingers at the door handle while telling me his exact actions while he heads out the door.

i check my phone for messages and notifications while before he comes back to our room, he strips off his button up abandoning it in the hamper that crowds a corner of the room. his dress pants hang low on his hips as they fall slightly while he pulls his belt through the multitude of loops on his pants. 

he’s now just left in his plaid print boxers as he slips under the charcoal grey duvet and snakes his arms around me pulling me in, embracing me just like he said he would. his chest is flush with my back and his legs entangle with mine. he’s warm and still smells like the intoxicating cologne he adores. i take a deep breath in being very content in where my life ended up and how i’m now engaged with my fiance and now letting the rest of his family know at a party. life is great when you find your person.

taglist - @westwiing13 @comet235 @mayhem73

[weebsinstash]

Ok but like ik you've been talking about werewolves and abo recently but like I need to say this somewhere.

I think yandere and abo is such a underappreciated combo. Especially when most of it that is made(or at least that I've seen) is the classic yandere alpha x omega. Which isnt bad but I feel like there could be so much more.

Where is the yandere omega x alpha who threatens to ruin the alpha's life with false accusations of the alpha forcing themselves on the omega? Or how about yandere omega who doesnt even hide their tendencies because ofc an omega would never behave like that! Then there is the idea that people actively encourage the behavior because(depending on how you write it) omegas are so rare, you dont want them to disappear entirely right?

Tbh my favorite idea is the omega trying to manipulate the alpha with their heat/rut. Like the omega just 'accidentally' getting their heat near the alpha. Or going over to the alpha's house while they're having their rut because they forgot something or someone said the alpha was 'sick' and they wanted to check on them. Maybe the omega even takes something to induce a heat before going over...

Then you have yandere omega who adores a beta. The omega being super clingy and possessive because they have no way to claim, or be claimed. Or using the fact the beta doesn't understand typical social norms with omegas being used against them, so the omega is doing shit that would happen between mates but the beta is none the wiser.

One could also do yandere alpha who has a thing for a beta. The alpha threatening anyone who even tries to get with the beta who's none the wiser. Same with the omega in the fact it really drives them up the wall they have no way to mark you. And oh imagine the alpha practically begging the poor beta over the phone and guilt tripping them into coming over during their rut.

These ideas have been in my head so long and the only reason I even feel the need to say it is because I've been having a certain idea in mind for a Mr. O'hara that wont leave me alone.

You know this actually puts my mind in a little time machine where I once had an idea for like, an afab Reader x Izuku quirkless AU where you're in the same university and you're an athlete (my preference is soccer player) and you eventually notice there's a young man who's a little shorter than you are who seems to always watch your practices and every game, just looking so wide-eyed and impressed as he always seems to look only at you, and it becomes this weird like, you're actually bigger and stronger than him but the little worm starts approaching you and being, uh, unintentionally creepy. He'll want your autograph, say what a big fan he is, how cool you are, shit he'll just greet you with a hug when he knows you don't like him and he doesn't even react when you shove him away. He's just a really clingy fucking uwu bottom and you're kind of wary about him because even though he's smaller than you, there's some suspicious strength in those hugs

Izuku absolutely strikes me as the type, "ohhhh noOooOoo, Reader, what's wrong? Are you in a rut? O-oh no, whatever shall we dooooo" *comes as close to you and touches you as much as he possibly can, deliberately trying to rile you up until youre riding his dick or getting HIM pregnant, also, babytrapping izuku, obviously*

But oh my fucking god my dude don't get me started thinking on ABO shit with Miguel 💦 literally laying in my bed right now thinking about how he's literally taller than my bed is long and really just letting it sink in what an absolute tank that man is. He's the kind of man that can fuck you standing full-Nelson style just holding you up in his arms. There is absolutely no chance in hell you can physically overpower him unless he's like, drunk or drugged or something. And of course now I'm thinking of Miguel hitting the margaritas a little too hard and you snap awake in bed to find your boss who you've never slept with before climbing on top of you, maybe he doesn't even fuck you, he's just so drunk he started thinking about how nice it would be to fall asleep cuddling you and inhaling your scent and you're just caged by this unmoving wall of a man with an iron grip who covers your face in sloppy kisses until he passes out

I feel like I've seen a few posts around where people talk about Spiderpeople having mating seasons or heats or whatever and, really you can just have that as abo, either or. You're just this poor unassuming Beta who thinks you're nothing special until one day you're bringing him a coffee his assistant told you to bring him and, suddenly a man overcome with animalistic need is pinning you against the nearest surface and claiming your mouth with his own. I hate what a basic bitch I am with A x O being my preference but hey, there's a time, place, character, and concept for everything right ;) goddddd Alpha Miguel would fill an Omega partner with so many pups, mf fucks you once and suddenly you're knocked up with triplets.

Was literally starting a new draft for a brand new idea when you sent this and, I think im gonna not post about it yet bc, I kinda just wanna see how much I can write if I just slam through it. Sometimes the inspiration just HITS you know? But nah dude I'm definitely guilty over lowkey obsessing about this man like deadass checking his r34 tag every other day, I am down something horrendous, I want this man in a way that is concerning to feminism, like this is gonna be me going to the theaters this Saturday

[tobacconist]

ive been trying to find a way to put this into words for a while but overcoming anxiety/ocd is not as simple for me as it seems to be for others because i KNOW and it has been proven to me OVER AND OVER that i feel these things for a reason and i KNOW when things are about to go wrong it IS like a fucking spider sense and i KNOW it seems irrational to do these seemingly pointless rituals over and over and over but theres always that moment where it feels like it all clicks back into place it feels like rerolling a dice until the timelines sync back up or something and i do this it keeps everything stable i neglect to do this EVERYTHING IMMEDIATELY GOES WRONG but i cant keep it up forever i have to let go eventually this has been the cycle of my life ever since i was small i feel like im in an egg and spoon race but im trying to carry ten eggs on one spoon and im managing (barely) despite everyone trying to trip me up for seemingly no reason but i have to let them drop eventually and then everything goes wrong and i have to quickly try to balance them again before they ALL drop and im on my last fucking egg whatever i recognise thats not the best metaphor but for example the most recent time this happened i became unemployed and my employers (good family friends) lost their business and have become basically homeless as well as several other things which i dont even dare put down in writing incase they get worse and its all because i specifically stopped praying constantly to prevent it because it fucking takes so much out of me and no one realises and i do not have the strength to fix it again this time and before that it was covid i still have the evil ponytail which caused it and before that i cannot speak of it but im just trying to say i KNOW how to ignore my instincts i know its all psychological and i KNOW how irrational it all seems but what is the rational answer when this happens EVERY TIME whatever im spent i cant keep it up im on my LAST FUCKING EGG and if this one drops its all over and part of me is saying you cant take that chance you know what will happen and the other half is saying fuck it who cares its all ruined already anyway

[kevotsuka]

you have a mechanic alex au?? ? where can we read iiiit 🧎🏻‍♀️

(Anon 2 from the Wip Ask Game)

i was in tumblr jail but now im FREEEE (barely)

First of all, i’m so sorry for the late response orz orz orz

actually this AU just exists in my docs in a kinda of timeline and in my head (and in my friend DMs in a 3min voice note who was ignored. so i dont think it was really interesant after all jajaja /dies) but if u want some thoughts (?

So I knew that at first Alex M wanted to be his brother's mechanic, I knew that it was Marc who convinced him to get on a bike and race with him and all that, but recently I had this idea of ​​"What would have happened if Alex really would have become Marc's mechanic, but during Marc's debacle he stay at Honda and wouldn't have been able to follow him to Gresini?"

.🙂

It was a little mental exercise. Alex encourages Marc to go to Gresini because he hates seeing his brother break himself over and over again AND MAYBE HE FEELS RESPONSIBLE FOR THE MOTORCYCLE HURTING HIM SO MUCH WHO KNOWS. Alex always wants the best for Marc, even if it's not at Honda.

The only thing that didn't convince me at all was Alex's age (because I love bending reality for the RPF, but I have a lot more fun creating scenarios that are more or less plausible in my head lol) until…

I remembered that I had read THIS article by Santi and then I did the maths (lol): born in 1975. Professional at 17 in '92. In the world championship in '96 at 21.

In '99 he won with crivillé at 24. In 2003 with Vale in Honda as a 28 years old. It becomes confusing what he does between 2005-2010 because I don't want to do research, but he becomes part of some rider teams in 125cc apparently? -

He becomes in Marc's chief mechanic in 2011 at the age of 36 and moving up to MotoGP at the age of 38 in 2013.

So Alex's path would be to reach the paddock in 2015 at 19 years old and with a dream uwu

So the TIMELINE is a bit like this:

Alex is a mechanic. He had competed in CEV and everything, but despite this he decided not to make the step up to Moto3 when he got the opportunity to do so after his wild cards in ¿2012¿

In any case, he trained professionally as a mechanic and contact here contact there reached the motorcycle world championship.

He works in Moto2 with Marc VDS for a long time (from 2015 to 2019 maybe) when Honda steals him at the starting of the 2020 season because the previous mechanic there expressed his desire to retire FOR REASONS NOT CONCENTRATIVE TO THE PLOT so Alex can replace the guy.

2020 :)

MiserY

Alex go to LCR because Marc's team was out of work for the rest of the season adapting everything for Stefan :), plus there is a vacance (that is a word in english?) to fill in the LCR because of COVID and Alex has the skills for it and yada yada

At least the honda mechanic said he is going to retire, not WHEN.

The 2020 season is- fucked. Alex is trying to be a kind brother.

He gets so tired with the press coming to the garage and asking about his brother every week that he takes refuge inside the box. The cameras struggle to find him during the moments before the race.

His move up to Honda is delayed because the LCR team is keeping him because he works well with them.

2021-2022 seasons happen :). He is retained by LCR, he is getting tired of presenting his transfer, but at least he has become familiar with the HR people (I am 100% sure that is not how these workers work, I don't care).

2023 :3

Finally. he can go to Honda! Finally he is on his brother's team! HE CAN FINALLY FULFILL HIS- childhood dream? promise? life goal? idk

Alex looks at Marc's data - which he always had access to as a meddling younger brother, but which he now works on every week - and wants to cry. That bike is not supposed to be able to do what Marc achieves with it.

When Marc falls in Portimao and takes Miguel with him, he looks longingly at the LCR box and asks himself why he wanted this job. Maybe Rins wouldn't be giving him such a headache.

Marc is signed by Gresini, which leaves Honda to search for a rider and Alex to deal with whoever they are going to sign, because he stay at the team and will definitely deal with the new rider

Nov 12 - Alex hears the Marini to Honda rumor and thinks “ha, it definitely won't happen”

November - Luca Marini, brother of Valentino Rossi, is signed by Honda

LUCA MARINI

ROSSI'S BROTHER

Alex is a professional and as soon as he hears about it, he turns around and asks for a transfer to Mir's team.

(not Zarco or Nakagami because he already went through LCR and he won't go back there even if they point a gun at him, thank you very much) (he might consider it if they paid better-)

He prefers to avoid from the beginning any type of rumor that says he is doing anything, like tampering ¿? with Marini's bike or something like that.

“Smart boy” he says to himself in the mirror :)

Nov 27 - It is announced that Mir's previous team will now be with Luca and that Santi will go with Joan

Alex wants to diee, BUT HE'S A PROFESSIONAL, so he doesn't say anything.

Luca's engineer makes fun of him a little, he thinks Alex is funny.

He could go back to Santi, but (IN THIS AU, IN MY MENTAL PALACE) he doesn't try because he has this thing that all the Marquez's besides him missed: a general feeling of shame.

They know who the other is, Alex used to be Franky's mechanic in Moto2, so both know a few of stories about each other

Although they have not bonded over the mortifying experience of being younger brothers of (divorced) legends, but they have greeted each other around the paddock and been cordial over the years.

but the paddok is inmense so not that much

The Valencia tests happen and Luca is optimistic and gives a real feedback of how the bike feels and where he hopes to take it, rather than just vague unintelligible and weird noises that don't communicate anything.

Alex already feels like a huge improvement since Cal (his jokes weren't really helpful for data collection) and Rins (whom he appreciates for all the time they've known each other, both as CEV teammates and as his mechanic, but- yeah rins barely starts races during 2023 sooo )

[To be defined] [Future Lucalex] [Maybe past Franky/Alex lol]

I'd like to submit a piece of writing or SOMETHING but I only have short, silly little snippets and they're not really worth it.

[p8567899754nhu]

Haruno Sakura and misogynistic ass fandom 

sakura haruno is one of the most hated chareters in naruto with her hate being so comically massive that it surprised the creator himself... but why ? what went wrong with sakura ?

I, in particular ,am not a fan of the way kishimoto wrote women in the manga or how shonen in general potrays female charechters. But the thing with sakura and misogyny is that it has more to do with the fandom than the author ,and if you ask me ,compared to how demented the fandom is ,kishimoto practically looks like a feminist icon .  character criticisms dont bother me, but in the curious case of sakura alot of this “criticism” spirals down to very abbhorent misogyny. 

starting right of the bat we have the dude-bros and self-projecting psycho's of the fandom, who hate her cause she's a shallow bitch(their main male charecter-onto whom they project- is a serial attention seeker btw , with being popular his main incentive in life) who likes the popular , good-looking guy and doesnt pay heed to the nice guy's advances dattebayo , no kidding -

i found it difficult to wrap my head around how this utterly gross misogynistic nonsense is so fucking common , it seems that sakura might have triggered their deep down incel by daring to want sasuke -and this also happens to be the reason why hinata is so popular amongst that particular crowd -because unlike that shallow bitch who rejected our nice guy, hinata worshiped his tiny err.."naru-chan"

 these wankers' try to paint hinata as the submissive waifu prototype (erasing even her little canon qualitites we get to see to fulfil there deraged fantasies) and just to cope with the fact that sakura rejected naruto , but err he got the plastic doll waifu , so all is well. they dont end it here though , they go on to elaborate how miserable and sad sakura's life and is that this is what she deserves for "choosing the emo" over the nice guy , while naruto apparently had a better ending for himself by "scoring" hinata .

it reminds me of this apallingly misogynistic meme-

you'll hope these deraged psychos end here , but they dont. 

the next slandering is surprise! surprise! -sakura's looks

 because y'know naruto just had some dirt in his eye when he calls sakura cute. or even when making a remark on how incredibly beautiful haku is, sakura is the objective female beauty standard he compares him to, and the true hidden beauty in the series is hinata imao(the one whose been called weird, plain and crumpy throughout canon) or the inferiority at sakura's rejection and sasuke's obvious superiority to naruto is curbed by hyping up naruto's own looks saying (based on anime filler nonsense) that naruto "gets princess" and sasuke gets normal girls , while throughout the manga the only girl that shows any sort of romantic/sexual interest in naruto -is hinata (and the reason why she likes naruto has little to do w looks) , thats it , even when he becomes the messiah of the hidden village by making pain revive everyone-no girl is interested in him (I adore Kishimoto for doing this and not sticking to the sexist bs of these shallow bitches like our underdog nice guy only when he become popular GRR..GRR.., except for princess byakugan ofc- thennnn lo and behold ,studio peirriot uses this misogynist ass trope in "naruto:the last" , there is only a limit to keep rejecting you deranged fanbase i guess, sometimes one must comply for money)

these petty dumbsos dont even stop here, you though misogyny was enough? what about misogyny+sexualisation(of an UNDERAGE character) +body shaming ?

since sakura has commited the blashphemy of daring to reject naruto's advances (did you hear the recent news of a black woman getting hospitalized after she rejected a dude, becasue that turd was so pissed at her audacity that he threw a brick on her face or that gory case of junko furuta,may her soul be in peace,which is so sick i dont even want to delve into it), , dude-bros have to , no, NEED TO find ways to get back at her , uh? u rejected naruto? HAHAAH bish u flat

psychos , female charechters exist for girls to feel represented and not to serve as cumdumps for your repulsive incel mastrubatory fetishes.

sakura's own fandom has failed her in this regard with the net being bomabarded with sakura wankers' trying to prove their queen isnt flat, sizing her bosom from multiple angels across multiple panels so that she can finally fulfil her long impending destiny of actualizing the incel cumdump fetish

what is also curious is kishimoto doesnt comment anything on sakura's chest throughout the manga -he does add a panel of naruto's smol pp,and how naruto is insecure about it -NO one in canon says anything about anyone's bosom (excpet that creep jiraiya, but even he spares underage girls) and sakura almost never mentions any insecurity related to her boob size , she is insecure that she has big forehead, she is (perhaps) insecure about her weight that is why she skips her meal. heck even sai the roaster toaster with awfullly bad social boundries doesnt comment on it, but guess what? the fandom and SP does infact SP made a fucking full filler episode which is just sakura wanting big boobs and the comparisons of boobs from various koinichi's ranging from Tsunade, to tenten and ino, to shizune!)

why is this "boob measuring" so unique to sakura(and hinata -ill perhaps make a post on this sometime) why is no other female charecter subjected to this gross misogyny weird boob measuring contest,despite sakura not being the only girl who is flat chested- Tenten , Mikoto Uchiha and Shizune? well for one none of them has outright any interactions on level with naruto , second they dont irk anyone is any way - mikoto is also reduced to the trad sub wife prototype(she is what you'd say harmless, unlike the boisterous sakura, she is soft spoken , tends for the males areound her and doesn't err stand out), tenten and shizune are not even present in the narrative often and when they are , their words wrt to naruto are "safe" - they dont insult the main character , dont reject him dont make him look inferior so their boobs and body are spared

OH! just found another gem

incase you are unable to read it properly

-Rin is confessing to kakashi

-and half crushed obito is saying "wow bitch"

Yeah Rin !! how tf can you do that! imagine a 12 y/o confessing to her crush before she commits suicide for the "greater good" of her village , OMG !! you're such a bitch how dare you like else someone when my self-projection has a crush on you !!!! the gal!! the the audacity !!my virgin tradwife hinata so much better fr fr

[thepowerisyouth]

Eh mental health is annoying. Buying & cooking cheap low-FODMAP diet is annoying. My best top note for now is I'm using this blog to practice writing. I need more practice in it. I only know business, accounting & economics stuff. Its stupid stuff. Theres too much actual fraud everywhere that its annoying

Also I use mobile so formatting sucks cause Nvidia GPUs, or Arch dont like tumblr site. Or tumblr site dont like tumbkr site

Also also I 100,000% support all my fellow ones-and-zeros and their identity. Everyone is welcome here.

Except transphobes/zionist/long list of others but you get it. I'll help harrass any of those types endlessly if someone wants to tag me, and bring me in on an argument like that friend you call for backup with fights

Im unhinged so who's to say exactly what will end up here but this is also a completely public blog to me friends, family, hell, even acquaintances i dont give a fuc.

Blog should be expected to be roughly as child-friendly as simpsons or bobs burgers. But also boring like a civics/economics lesson sometimes. Yay

--------

I (and my husband) am ex mormon. Its a weird thing. Look into it if you havent recently. Realllllyyyy look into. Takes time to figure it all out in this fuckin fucked up world.

I just moved a year ago. Didnt watch the US stock market as much as I normally do. Had my first snowstorm 10 weeks ago, that was.. fun to handle while ill prepared. About 6 weeks ago I was hopping back on the market and notice its a huge tech bubble about to pop and all the conditions Ive been warned about my whole career imply this is not good. Just took a little more thinking & digging and I'm a little too confident to stop talking about it now.

(Oh I'm also care-free as fuc so I dont really read or desire to change past posts more than lil-nitpicks. More informative for the reader & myself-in-the-future-reading that way)

And I'm not kidding I do love feedback & questions. Its a very public blog tho so I get that part for sure.

If you search "life story" in my tags I had that pinned for a min Im just moving shit around rn

Being poor sucks. Will write more on that later.

---------------

First of all-- the exact timeline of an "economic shock" is literal insanity. Dont worry about the exact timing of any of this-- just know its doomed to happen soon.

Here are some effects I predict of this upcoming economic downturn

If anyone comes across any sources for these events that support my arguments please feel free to add in comments, reblogs, etc.

This concise list is mainly for my own reference, but it would be great to add to it if any one has something to add!

0.5. US Stock market collapse-- I have no desire to try and predict this one exactly. Too many conspiracies are actually correct about this big guy. Lets just say 7 US Tech stocks are worth 25% of the entire worlds market, roughly. "Too big to fail"-- I believe is the phrase

1. Corporate (slightly later will be residential by extension) real estate crisis: currently way too overvalued. Most of the houses, land, & urban corporate property we see could stand to decrease by about 60-90% from its current price.

2. Bankruptcy crisis: similar to the after-effects of the 70s inflation-- we can expect to see a huge wave of bankruptcies affecting a variety of business: from the micro-self employed; to the small business with leased buildings; to the largest corporations who commit massive accounting fraud & hope to escape accountability in time

3. Bank runs-- there is an extremely high overreliance on the Federal Reserve, who does not have good control over this situation. Once it becomes clear that there is a crisis (we call this a catalyst event)-- bank runs for physical cash are a surety. Hard to say how long a crisis like this might last. I should ask my siblings who lived near the SVB bank crisis hotspot (but those were rich fucks they do their "bank runs" over the phone)

3.5. Global currency collapse, which takes effect in every single local, state, & national economy at slightly different times. This means prices lower. Much lower. But takes time

4. Whatever the fuck the geopolitics is gonna do???. Its weird. You got Russia wanting to invade Europe? (Look at global economic forum 2024) Trump wants to let them. Biden wants to be an establishment corporate ass. North Korea has changed its #1 public enemy to South Korea (dont remember my source but it was a couple months ago). USA is stationing more troops in Taiwan, but probably only because of semiconductor technology?

The scope of our global financial woes are larger than can be explained in any of our lifetimes. Its much, much closer to pre-revolution France or the late 1920s. Big change is coming. Itll be soon

5. More to come

[crxnberrykxng]

Hii- firstly I lovelove your blog, and I think you’re super stupendous.!! Thank you for having a vent space open<3, you dont have to read if you dont want too, I just wanna tell someone. -

I just feel like very unfullfilled in my life, and sorta apathetic to the things happening around me. I know im smart and that i deserve good things in life, yet i put myself in self deprecating situations, and i dont make any effort to pull myself out of them until it becomes so bad that my life is at risk. I miss my father, theres a protection order for my own safety due to his manic episodes. In a few months it should be safe for me to visit him, but ive just recently became an adult and started living on my own, ive always had someone to rely on. Specifically an older man. I feel so lonely and i just want a relationship with someone that isnt based around sex or unhealthy dynamics. I want to feel taken care of, im so used of taking care of someone that i dont remember what it was like to be cared for. From a young age i was comforting my mother, icing her bruises. Playing the messanger between her and my dad. It was good to feel needed, relied on. Until it came to the point where i can barely sleep at night, and i am terrified all the time. of what? i dont know. Nothing makes me happy anymore, the compliments of perverts on the internet, the validation of someone asking why im so thin. I just dont feel anything. Im stuck in this places, in this repetitive routine. I just want my father to love me like he did when I was a kid.

Sorry this was so long, I just needed to tell someone atleastxoox

hey <3 this might be kind of a wall of text so fair warning:

i understand completely how you feel. i never knew my birth father, had a cycle of men in my moms/my life throughout my childhood and teenage years. my mom has also had a lot of struggles w mental illness so for the most part i ended up raising my siblings and taking care of everyone else. its hard, and it takes a MASSIVE toll on your mental health.

wanting a parent so badly HURTS. you cant describe it to someone whose never experienced it. it's a different brand of pain and it never truly goes away. however, i can tell you that help and healing is absolutely possible, its very difficult but theres always someone to reach out to. hell if you need to, reach out to me. ill help find you someone who can help more than im able, if thats something you would ever want. i may be a disordered blog but i will 100% always go out of my way to offer any kind of resources or support for those who ask.

for now though, try to be kind to yourself. you've taken care of yourself and gotten to today, and i'm so proud of you for that. depression is fucking brutal. i have bipolar disorder type 2 and my depressive episodes make me feel like no matter how hard i try ill always end up back in the hole i'm trying to get out of. it sucks !!!! its fucking frustrating !!!! but its also not my fault, and being depressed is also not YOUR fault, either. you deserve love, care, and support just as much as everyone else. you matter. your feelings matter. you deserve more than the cards you've been handed and that makes me so angry for you. you should've gotten so much better and i'm so sorry the people that were supposed to provide that for you never did.

you will be okay one day, i promise. all of us will be. there will be a day where you can feel at home and at peace. i wish i could tell you when that is, but just try and hold out until you can see it. i love you and i'm sending all the healing in the world to you, and anyone else who feels the same way. you are loved, and it'll be okay. don't cringe at the cliche, but things will be okay in the end; if its not okay, its not the end <3

[whomst-is-hex]

hi im a cis (late teenage) woman who was a transgender man for like 5 years and just recently figured out im not. throughout that whole period there was so so so much fear about how people around me would view me, and it was a very insecure time. BUT, unlike the general expectation of detrans (the asshole idea that transitioning was for trends) i'm really fucking glad i did it.

before i fully started going by he/him and Marcus, i had a couple months where i was just switching from gender to gender, sexuality to sexuality, because i just recently started comprehending queer people and was desperately searching for identity and community. i settled on the name and pronouns one day at a playground, where i told a stranger around my age my name was Marcus and i am transgender. i told my parents shortly after (i told my parents everything in that regard) and right after that i started to strip away anything remotely girlish about myself, which i kinda started doing anyway after i started to call myself a lesbian.

a few years in i started to notice that the "femininity" was around anyway. i admired my silhouette sometimes in the mirror, but quickly switched to trying to flatten my chest. i loved being masculine, i loved passing, but i really also loved my body in all of its generally-percieved-as-woman-ness. this pretty much balanced me out for the last couple years. i stopped trying desperately to pass, and started to accept myself as inherently masculine without binding or vocal exercises (and even in drag, which i still really fucking love doing)

and now we're at a few months ago, where i presented fully female for 30 days as an experiment. obviously my brain had went through SO many chemical changes, and i think just general maturity caused me to click and realize that i don't want this anymore. not to say that young trans people are immature, or that being a man is low, i just started to realize that i messed up and taught myself to fit in another box that i didn't fully want.

right now, i have ditched that box all together. but now i know that it never had to be a box to begin with. i believe that i really was a man for that period of time, even when i admired my curves and face and voice. i was looking for identity, and i found it. but now, i'm sort of a different person with different needs in life and myself. and because i had that experience of rapid change, experimentation, insecurity, and self love, i really really know how to be a woman now. and like the post i reblogged just before writing this says, being a woman doesnt have to mean much in terms of differences. in my case, it means that i am not the basic cisgender bisexual woman cutout i was terrified of becoming when i was younger. and it means im keeping marcus as my name, and my dead-name remains as my middle name.

my point with this was to catalogue my experience, but i think i really need to bring up how actual trans people experiment at all sorts of ages, and it works for them pretty damn well. i have friends who experimented just as much as i did and are way more cemented in their transgender identity than i ever was. i think its also important to say that my experience happens a lot as well. brains change, people change, and i've heard of trauma messing with identities too. point is, we have Got to stop generalizing trans and detrans people, or at least catch ourselves when we do. brains are so goddamned complicated and we dont even know everything about gender. what we do know is it changes sometimes, its unpredictable, and its across all cultures. like my dad says, the minute you figure out something about yourself, itll change. and i believe having a brain that doesnt change is no way to live

TL;DR: i was transgender, now im not, im happy, people are happy being trans or cis sometimes and thats cool as hell. dont be an asshole and stop trying to assume things about people like identity that shit sucks

[rearranging-deck-chairs]

once again thinking about a version of the story where 13 lands in sheffield three years earlier when ryan and yaz are still sixteen and a whole lot angrier

13 turning out a bit more immature bc she spends her first twenty-four hours after regenerating with these reactive and kinda fucked up kids. ryan dealing with grace and graham recently getting married or getting ready to get married. probably feeling abandoned by his grandmother after his mother and father. feeling alone with his grief. maybe kinda just has tibo to confide in. yaz meanwhile is in hell getting bullied and either recently got driven home from a running away attempt and is now dealing with the familial aftermath of that, or is planning the running away. maybe kiiiiiiinda just has sonya to confide in but probably not really. probably doesnt confide in anyone

13, still malleable and fluid, running into these messed up teenagers who reflect all her own lonely angry betrayed abandoned feelings back to her, shaping herself in response to them. they dont trust her at all to start with, but i think she'd win yaz over in a similar way she does in canon, presenting herself as an authority who listens and understands. perhaps slightly more the understanding than authority part at this point in yaz's life. maybe she lands in front of yaz actually in the hills before anita can get there. yaz is like "where the fuck did you come from" and shes like "um the troposphere i think" and yaz is like "how are you not dead" and shes like "oh i was! but then i decided maybe i shouldnt be. so. now im here :) with you!" and that kinda strikes a chord with yaz. and then the doctor's like "do you happen to have a sandwich in that backpack im starving"

then aliens happen and once they run into ryan, yaz is already won over and she and ryan recognise each other and she convinces him that, like, no shes not nuts, theres definitely aliens shes seen them

11x1 would go entirely differently obviously. maybe grace wouldnt die and graham wouldnt travel. ryan maybe decides to travel a little bit out of spite and home doesnt really feel like home, and yaz isnt having fun at home or at school either and she was running away anyway so this is not a hard decision

the emotional instability and bad decision counter of a team tardis thats just 16-year-old yaz and ryan and 13 is kind of amazing to imagine. it'd be so volatile but they'd love each other so much i think they'd be the best friends bc instead of starting off closing herself off from grief, 13 would start off having her justified and irrational anger sort of validated and coaxed out i think by yaz's and ryan's. in the tardis between the three of them there would be a place to express "nobody cares about me" whether thats true isnt the point, i think theyre all feeling it a little bit. "everyone just moved on like mum didnt matter/'tell an adult' like what are they gonna do?/okay it wasnt all their faults but all my friends are dead" you know? i think they'd be heard with each other and i think there'd be space for the injustice of it all and especially as the doctor is like a children's advocate most of all, she would take ryan and yaz seriously in a way i think they wouldnt have been by any other adult in their lives at that point. and in return they, just by being there as they are, would make room for the hurt child that 13 is and will turn out to be

and i dont have details for this but i think it would be really nice if the way 13 listens and takes seriously yaz and ryan in the first season (not like consciously or deliberately or anything, shes not trying to Do anything, this is just who the doctor is) would be mirrored in the second and/or the third when they have calmed down a bit, dealt with some of their issues at home, talked to some family members, become a little less depressed and angry etc, and they return the way she treated them when she finds out abt the timeless child and tecteun. she took their anger seriously and she took them seriously when they said "this isnt fair" and in return they can take her anger seriously, probably are angry on her behalf, and they can stop her from overcorrecting from like being 10 by pointing out to her that this isnt fair and shes allowed to be angry abt it

and when yaz inevitably gets a crush i think it shows up as a kind of out of character/seemingly regressive prickliness and snappiness toward the doctor getting more intense over the course of s12 that ryan and the doctor first are puzzled by bc like sure in the first half of s11 maybe they were all a bit snappish with each other but theyve been friends for like a year now whats this about all of a sudden? and yaz is like Nothing!!!! it's nothing!!! piss of!!! bc shes having feelings she doesnt know what to do with or how to interpret so theyre just manifesting as Angery. that same need to prove herself + probably worry abt the doctor as in canon except a lot more combative and a lot less inhibited. shes probably picking fights abt everything the doctor tells her to do. trying to provoke the doctor into actually getting mad and yelling at her or, god forbid, grabbing her, shoving her, using her hands bc yaz wont listen to words. sometimes youre 17 and horny and you dont understand you want one of your two friends in the world to kiss you bc it hasnt occurred to you that girls kissing girls is a thing that can happen. ryan figures it out first

in this version ryan probably stays until the end too - or the same as in revolution happens and yaz feels betrayed that he'd give up on the doctor so easily and feels alone in the entire world again - graham and dan wouldnt come into the picture. ryan's and yaz's family would come into the picture a little more actively. theres a lot of plot to figure out that i cant and it would be a very different era in many ways but i think it would be nice