#hana hates being a victim so much

[diver5ion]

[the7thheroine]

Ren hana red String of fate au

(Honestly I’m trying to get the ball rolling on someone writing a string of fate Ren hana x Reader because i hate reading my own work as a fic so if someone else did it I would be so greatful 😭)

(During Strade)

• When Ren had the string during Strade, often Strade would threaten Ren with it and tried to make him cut it off a few times

•when he’d be alone in the basement or in his room he would be contemplating you, what you were like, where you were, and if you were a beast kin like him.

•He’d almost always go to the basement when there was a victim to ensure it wasn’t you. If it was you he’d freak out and beg Strade. (You’d probably die tbh)

•Ren would love you no matter though, even if your millions of miles away and he doesn’t know where. He’s always praying that one day if he gets free, he’d be able to hunt you down.

During btd 2

•now, this is probably the worst time to meet Ren as he’s going through a crisis without Strade and being stuck between being a killer or getting help

•if you met him he’d kidnap you 🤷‍♀️ your his so why is it wrong is what he thinks.

•He’d be so in love with you and would always be touching you and holding onto you

•If he met you in the bar with Lawrence he’s definitely ditching Lawrence and putting the drug in your drink in order to take you home.

• He hates if you try and leave or if you insult him. he doesn’t want to hurt you! But if you keep disobeying and being a bad soulmate he’ll result to it.

•he refuses to make “content” with you. Your his for his own personal pleasure and he’d never share anything remotely physical of you!

(The price of flesh)

•by now Rens gone cold. he’s hardened up and is no longer the soft guy he was.

•he doesn’t really think of you much as he’s now focused on work and his “toys”

•your always there though in his head, always lingering. He can never keep a toy too long as he feels like he’s betraying you and your trust.

•When he meets you though, it’s like a switch flips. He becomes obsessed.

•he was going to target you as a victim, but now he knows your his soulmate? Not a chance.

•he stalks you for a long time. Watching, and learning about you. And eventually he sets up the perfect way to meet you to your preference. So you’ll fall for him immediately.

• He does Trust you and love you, but he can’t be without you now he has you. So he locks you up in a fancy house with everything you need.

•Punishments are far and few but if you do miss behave he’s taking you to the chop shop and your getting streamed buddy.

•He treats you extremely well, however if he’s ever in a bad mood or just feeling particularly sour over his past he’s going to give you a few scratches.

[after-witch]

TPOF!Ren Imagine

Title: TPOF!Ren imagine [Ren Hana x Reader]

Synopsis: What if you were taken by Strade? What if you escaped, leaving Ren behind? And what if you just happened to bump into Ren, years later?

Word count: 2100ish

note: kidnapped reader, drugging, descriptions of violence and torture, scars, kidnapping, descriptions of noncon sex, just a stream of consciousness written imagine that I did before bed because I have no self control, take that as you will

Imagine Strade has kept you. You spend weeks, months--more?--being tortured in ways you could never have imagined. But you live. Somehow or another, you live.

You're kept there, like Ren, as an interesting pet. And the two of you share a tentative bond, in time. He did help you, after all...

But... you're afraid of Ren. A little. Not because he's ever been mean to you or hurt you without Strade forcing him to--but because you know that Strade can be fickle. He might decide he likes Ren better, and get rid of you.

Or maybe someone else he brings home will catch his eye, and he'll ponder getting rid of one of you... and who is more likely to go to make room for another long term victim, you wonder, the boy with fox ears or plain, simple you? It's obvious.

So sometimes, you're afraid of Ren. Afraid that Ren's existence will eventually mean your demise.

But you have your moments together.

Moments where you curl up in Ren's nest of a bed, letting his warm tail wrap around you, ignoring the way your shock collars occasionally clink together while you snuggle. Sometimes you whisper things to each other. Hopes. Fears. Secrets. Dreams for the future, which are sometimes shared fantasies of escaping together, going somewhere, starting anew.

There are shared pains, too. You sneak into the bathroom and clean each other's wounds, as much as you know Strade will allow without crossing an unspoken boundary. You press cool cloths to his burning cuts, he gently massages your healed but always-aching broken fingers.

Sometimes, Strade makes you hurt each other. Usually, Ren wins out in the end. But you have no chance against claws. You don't hold it against Ren after the fact, but sometimes when you're sharing a bed at night or a quiet moment when Strade is out of the house, you can't help but think about the way his claws rip through your flesh or the way his knot hurt when Strade yanked him out early.

And one day... Strade is dead. You scream for Ren when it happens--some new victim he's captured finally getting one over on him, not without their own fatal wounds--and Ren watches Strade die, and you watch Strade die, and then the two of you are standing over his gaping-mouth corpse.

The two of you head upstairs, the basement thick with quiet, and for the first time you don't have to worry about hearing Strade's footsteps come up them.

Ren's collar comes off first. Then he helps you with yours.

And you should--say something. You should tell him that the two of you will leave, go to the police, find an apartment, figure out what to do--something, anything.

But in the moment, you panic. You panic because you see in Ren's eyes that he wants you to stay with him and you're so afraid of being trapped again.

You bolt. You bolt out the front door and don't look back. You hear Ren shout your name and the pad of his feet up to the front door, but he doesn't cross the threshold.

You should go back for him. You should tell the police that he's there. But you're afraid. Your face was on Strade's streams. Who knew what sort of people watched them? What if you were recognized? Strade wasn't shy about the fact that powerful people watched his streams. What if... one of them was connected with the police department?

And so you don't say a damn thing. You pick up the pieces of your life and there's a part of you that you left in that damned house with Ren that rots and festers, but you can't let it stop you. You hate yourself for leaving. You hate yourself for not going back.

But you might have hated yourself if you stayed, too.

And then it's been years... and years.... and years.

You still suffer from your time with Strade. Mentally. Physically. The scars have faded, but they never go fully away, some white-blanched and others still retaining a tinge of vivid pink. You hate those the most.

And there's the aches and pains, too. Arthritis in your fingers and hands. A fracture in your foot that didn't heal properly, but you didn't have the health insurance to get it fixed, and now you walk with a limp and cane on bad days.

You get nightmares. Most of the time, you're right back in the house or the basement. Being tortured. Slow and thick dreams that are usually coupled with sleep paralysis. Ren is in them, sometimes, and he's scared and hateful and you wake up with that gnawing, awful guilt.

But you force it down. You have to--Ren was an adult, too, just like you. That's how you cope with the guilt. You tell yourself that he left the house and found himself a small place to live and he's doing fine out there. Working at a bookshop or some anime collectible store. Something that helps him get by. He'll have scars and nightmares, too, but he'll be okay, for the most part.

Just like you are.

Because you've moved on as much as one could, considering. You have a spouse--ten years together, now--and a house with a little yard and a career that leaves you comfortable enough, financially. You don't have kids but your spouse has nieces and nephews that you enjoy spoiling now and then, and that's enough for you.

You were so hyper-vigilant after your initial escape. You wore wigs, and went outside only rarely. You hopped around from place to place, used fake names. You had locks upon locks upon locks on your doors. You never went home the same way twice.

But over time... you gradually stopped worrying. When 1 year became 5 years became 10 years, when time aged your face and slowed your racing heart. When you got a long-term partner and stopped hopping to new places every year, terrified that someone would come find you.

Over the years, you stop looking over your shoulder everywhere you go. You stop assuming every stranger staring at you on the bus recognizes you from Strade's streams and is going to kidnap you and kill you. You stop thinking about it as an immediate threat and treat it like past trauma--to be dealt with, sure, but to be tucked away for your sanity.

And one day, one ordinary little day, you're walking around a secondhand collectible store to look for a particular book when you bump into someone.

The first thing you notice is that they're wearing a nice suit, tailored, like they're going to a business meeting or live in a big city where such outfits are considered casual wear.

The second thing you notice, when you look up at their face with an apology on your lips, is that underneath the hat that they lift every so gently, they have fox ears and scars and red hair peppered with just a dash of silver.

It takes you a moment. Two moments. Three moments.

It's Ren.

Older, like you. But Ren, clear as day, there is no doubt about it.

Relief and an awful, stomach-churning anxiety spread through your gut at the exact same time.

"Ren?"

He doesn't react at first, merely stares at you, and your nightmares come back to you: those nightmares where he hates you, where he tells you that you left him there like he's nothing, where he throws back all your whispered conversations in the dark back in your face.

And then a little smile splits his face and the gut-churning fear in your stomach recedes just enough for you not to shake when he places two hands on your shoulders, steady, and firm.

"Hey. It's okay. It's been a long time."

You break into something like a laugh, and tears prick at your eyes before sliding down your cheeks.

"How..." You don't know what to ask first. How is this possible? How are you? Why are you here? Are you okay?

And finally you settle on something that's eaten away at your soul, bit by bit, since you ran away.

"I'm... sorry." You can't look him in the eye. "I shouldn't have just left that day. But I was scared, and I--"

He places a finger to your lips, and the claw at the end seems sharper now, polished and carefully filed.

"Don't," he says. "It doesn't matter now." He has a coolness to his voice, a shrugging tone to it all. You wonder if it matches your own tone, sometimes, when you're confronted with reminders of the past.

"Do you... want to get coffee or something?" You ask, and you immediately feel stupid, asking if someone who was tortured alongside you (who hurt you, too--but he had to) for coffee like they were an old high school friend.

But he smiles, a little grinning pep to it now, a little bit of an edge with his teeth showing, and says, "Sure."

You leave the shop together, book forgotten, intent on catching up.

It should bother you, that he didn't look actually surprised to see you. It should bother you, that he swept you out of the store so quickly.

But you're too overwhelmed by his presence to notice little things like that.

You don't even notice the black car parked down the street that turns only only when Ren leads you into a coffee shop, pulling around the corner into a nearby alleyway.

You don't think twice about Ren texting someone after you arrive. You don't think twice about Ren ordering for you, motioning for you to find a seat, insisting on taking both cups to the little stand with sugar and creamers himself.

You don't think twice about the taste of the coffee being a little off. Ren put in too much sugar, probably. You used to take it much sweeter, back then, when Strade allowed the two of you to indulge in cup after cup to stay awake for nighttime streams.

It's a shame the hyper-vigilance ebbed away, really, because if you had noticed any one of these things, maybe you would have left the situation. Though, in the end, would it have stopped him?

You focus on awkward small talk. Asking what he's been up to (running his own business) and how he feels (better than ever) and whether he's okay (are you?).

He asks you questions, too, and you find yourself spilling it all too easily. You talk about your spouse, your cute little home, the garden you planted, the books you've read, the little career you've built. You ask if he still likes anime and he smiles, and then your hand is on his arm--you can see some of the scars on his hand, and your own, too--and feel so bad so you start to apologize again---

That's when things get... woozy. Your hand slips from his arm, and you can't grasp your coffee cup. You mumble something about not feeling good.

Ren is standing right away, helping you to your feet. He pulls out his phone and says he'll call an ambulance. You try to wave it off, you're fine, you're just overwhelmed, you didn't eat much today. He insists you sit down and if you weren't so dizzy you might realize something is wrong as he leads you down the street, into an alleyway, where at the end there is a shiny black car with tinted windows.

"I'll take you to get some help," he says, and you don't question it, because your mind is foggy and you can't see straight, and it's just Ren, isn't it? It's just Ren.

It's not until you're bundled into the car with Ren taking the spot next to you in the backseat, his worried expression smoothed over into something cool and triumphant, that the sense of wrongness hits you. Even through the fog of your mind, it hits you.

"Ren? Ren?"

"Shh."

That finger is back on your lips, but this time his finger pivots sideways, a claw lightly tracing one of your facial scars. You can feel it slicing open, like a papercut.

The little blossom of pain is a good distraction for the punch of the needle that he jabs into your thigh a moment later.

You have just enough time to gasp and mutter something, mouth opening and closing like a fish. Nothing comes out. You see him watch you for a moment, eyes half-lidded, before he stares ahead at the driver.

"We'll have time to talk later. When the drugs wear off."

The last thing you see before unconscious is his smile, almost a grin.

[smellygorilla]

Hello! Today I will be ranting about why shipping the bullies and delinquents is wrong. Let’s get into it!

I don’t even know why this ship is a thing. I don’t understand the love for enimes to lovers. Like why would you go a date someone you hate so much?

I’m gonna give some context on the groups and the backstory to get my point across more clearly.

The Bullies:

The Bullies are a group of preppy girls known for gossiping and spreading rumours. They’re the reason the delinquents are who they are today (More on that later) I love the bullies, their design really projects who they are. If I saw them I really life I would think of them as mean girls,gossip girls, etc.

Group members:

Musume Ronshaku (Leader, Blue sweater)

Kashiko Murasaki (Purple sweater)

Kokoro Momoiro (Pink sweater)

Hoshiko Mizudori (Green sweater)

Hana Daidaiyama (Yellow sweater)

The Delinquents:

The Delinquents are a group of guff, aggressive boys who carry around blunt weapons for self defence. I’m not a fan of the delinquents designs solely because of their spikey hair, but that’s kinda their thing so I won’t judge. (Yes I will)

Group members:

Umeji Kizuguchi (Substitute Leader, Yellow shirt)

Hokuto Furukizu (Purple Shirt)

Gaku Hikitsuri (Red Shirt)

Dairoku Surikizu (Blue shirt)

Hayanari Tsumeato (Black shirt)

The Delinquents weren’t always “The Delinquents” Theh were bully victims. They would be like this if the counsellor took action when the bullying reports were being made. (Hate to drop her in like that but she said it herself 🤷)

Gaku was bullied for having a broken arm, he was seen as weak and vulnerable.

Hayanari was bullied for showing signs of a receding hairline.

Hokuto was bullied for his feminine mannerisms and standing up for Hayanari. (Hayanari felt so bad for this he developed a smoking habit)

Dairoku was bullied for being quiet.

Umeji’s profile doesn’t specify what he was bullied for but based his design I’m gonna say he was a very shy and timid student.

It was rumoured they were going to start a suicide pact, but overlooked because there was no concrete evidence.

On day, a girl named Osoro Shidesu was approached by a group of students from another school. She disrespected them, and they weren’t going to have that. Their plan was that they were going to beat her up, little did they know she was gonna take them all down, alone.

It’s unknown how she managed to accomplish this, but all stories end the same with Osoro covered in blood and taking the jacket of on of the students and drapping over her shoulders as “trophy”.

The delinquents were present for this event. They idolized her for it. They wanted to be like her. They were hopeful this could stop the bullying, they started following her around like ducklings. They dyed their hair blonde like her’s, they spiked their hair to be seen as relentless punks, they became more aggressive,rude and more disrespectful of faculty, and they started carrying around blunt weapons with them everywhere. This did stop the bullying, but students started to refer to them as “The Delinquents”. Students started to fear and even hate them, but maybe this is what they wanted. Maybe it was better to be feared and hated then bullied.

You see, they changed their personality and appearance just to avoid being bullied. Do you think they would really go on a date someone that traumatized them to this extent?

“But smelly._gorilla, smelly._gorilla! How can we be sure the bullies were the ones that caused all this?”

Really? First of all, the bullies are called “The Bullies” because they bully people! Second of all look at this photo.

This is Umeji’s reaction (Along with the other delinquents) to a bullies corpse or you stabbing a bully directly infront of them. Oh yeah totally perfect couple. (I’m being sarcastic)

I’m all for canon stuff in lore and I hate ships unless it canon or like Taro x Ayano. Seeing videos of bullies x delinquent shivers my timbers. This ship is extremely toxic. The lore behind the delinquents is so deep, and you’re will to throw it all away just because they look cute together? That sucks, you shouldn’t do that.

Anyways, I hate this ship and I have my reasons. If you ship them that’s kinda werid. (Sorry 😬) Thanks for reading of you did!

Bye ♥️♥️

[yarrayora]

You have some of the best khr insights and headcanons. I really do always look forward to seeing you post about it and always have a good time when you do

Thanks! I have a lot of headcanon I want to talk about but oftentimes it feels lacking if I don't turn it into a comic first

this one though I can talk about

kyouko is obviously a victim of being The Main Love Interest Of A Shounen Jump's Protagonist and her personality is at best a cheerleader at worst non-existent

but IF she was given a chance to be her own character separate from her role as a reward reborn dangles above tsuna's head, then I want her to truly be the most popular girl in school

among the boys that is

considering the rampant bullying and how the female students got mad a loser like tsuna is close to popular boys, how much worse do you think kyouko is being treated by them?

she's such a good girl but the only other friend we've seen her hanging out with is JUST hana, who is probably not well liked by the other girls because of her sharp personality

and maybe that's why! maybe they are two girls who are hated by the other girls because hana is a bitch and kyouko is a whore. because how dare she has mochida-senpai's attention

hana makes it her life mission to protect her from those apes with bad taste

tsuna with his rose-tinted wide eyes of course thinks everyone loves kyouko-chan

while kyouko looks at tsuna and thinks "he has it worse. if he can endure i can do it too. so i shouldn't bother onii-chan about this."

[angelasscribbles]

Victim of Love Chapter 10: Looking Backward

Series: Victim of Love

Fandom: The Royal Romance

Pairings: Drake x Riley

Word Count: 1,682

Rating: MA

Warnings for this chapter: Language

Song Inspiration for series: Victim of Love by The Eagles

Tell me your secrets I'll tell you mine

This ain't no time to be cool

My other stuff: Master List.

Riley frantically dug through the discarded pile of clothing from the night before, “Shit! I don’t have any clean clothes!”

“Um…down the hall, second door on the right, that’s the room Sav uses when she visits. Go see if you can find something in there.” His sister hadn’t been to the cabin in years as far as he knew, but he also didn’t think she would have bothered retrieving any extra clothes left there when she had moved to France.

Riley sprinted down the hall and into the room, rifling quickly through drawers. In less than three minutes she was back wearing a pair of yoga pants and a T-shirt that fit well enough, “Hurry, let’s go!”

Drake had pulled on a clean shirt and was lacing up his shoes, “Yeah, coming!” He nearly tripped as he stood and swiped the keys off the bedside table before stumbling to the door.

They were pulling out of his driveway eight minutes behind Liam. “You sure this is a good idea? I know you want to support Liam but-“

“This isn’t about Liam! It’s about Hana!”

“I thought you two hated each other…”

“We do! I mean we don’t…I mean she’s my best friend! Was my best friend….I just need to know she’s okay, her and the baby, all right?”

“Yeah, of course!” He reached across the console and took her hand, “I get it. I’ll get you to the hospital, don’t worry!”

“Thanks,” she gave him a grateful look, “I know this whole situation is a complete mess. You probably wish you’d never bumped into me in that ballroom.”

“Are you kidding?” He scoffed, “This is the most excitement I’ve had in years. I hang out almost exclusively with cattle and they’re pretty boring.”

That got a smile out of her, “Not very talkative, are they?”

“Oh, they’re very talkative!” He corrected her, “In fact, they rarely shut up! I just don’t speak bovine.”

She snorted, “I don’t believe you. I think you’re probably fluent in it!” She knew he was using humor to distract her, and she was grateful for it.

Her feelings for Hana were complicated. They had become best friends over the course of the social season, culminating in Hana confessing romantic feelings for her.

Desperation laced Hana’s voice as she implored, “The coronation is in two days, Riley, but he can’t pick either of us if we’re not here! Let’s just go, me and you! We can be together!”

“Oh, Hana….I love you, but-“

Hana’s face lit up as joy infused her entire being, “I love you too, Riley! So much! I’ve never felt this way about anyone before, I didn’t even know it was possible to-“

“Hana, stop! Listen!”

“What?” Hana’s big doe eyes searched hers, “What is it?”

“I love you but not the way I love him! I love him, Hana, and if he picks me, I’m going to say yes!”

“Oh!” Hana dropped her grip on Riley’s arm and stepped back like she’d been electrocuted.

“Hana, please-“ Riley reached for her, but the other woman sidestepped her.

“You kissed me….” Hana’s voice was barely audible.

“In a truth or dare game!”

“But…” tears pooled in her eyes, “It felt so real!”

“It was real, Hana! It just wasn’t what I have with Liam. I should never have kissed you! I didn’t mean to mislead you, I’m sorry, I-“

“Why would you say that?” Hana looked like she’d been struck, “You regret the kiss?”

“Yes! I mean no! I mean I regret that I hurt you, that you’re confused about-“

“I’m not the one that’s confused, Riley!” An emotion swept across Hana’s face that Riley had seldom seen there: anger.

“Hana-“

“You’re going to regret this someday, Riley, he doesn’t love you like I do! He can’t!”

If Riley had known what was coming down the pike on coronation night, would she have made a different decision? She and Hana could have gone to Shanghai, or New York, or anywhere in the world really, the two of them could be happy with each other right now leaving Liam to Olivia or Madeleine or whoever the royal council deemed suitable.

But instead, when Liam had broken her heart, he hadn’t just taken himself away from her, he had ripped Hana away from her as well.

“I choose….Lady Hana Lee!”

Riley’s heart stopped. NO!

She had known the council was still debating her approval, but she had really believed Liam would be able to sway them. She had also believed that if they didn’t approve her, he was going to refuse to get engaged, to anyone, because he had told her as much.

She found Hana in the crowd. She had been avoiding her, they hadn’t spoken since Riley had rejected her advances. Hana looked as shocked as Riley felt, but as their eyes met, a slow smile crawled across Hana’s face, and she shook her head from side to side.

Riley watched as Hana climbed onto the stage, took Liam’s hand, and found Riley’s gaze again before exclaiming, “I accept!”

Riley turned and ran from the ballroom, but there was nowhere to run to, the one person she would have gone to for comfort, for solace, had just participated in ripping her heart from her chest.

She flung her clothes into a suitcase and sent a text to Max: Bring the car around, I need to get out of here now!

She had left the palace that night planning to return to New York to lick her wounds. At least her student loans were paid off. She could take a few months to heal before starting a job search. Her apartment was gone but her parents would let her stay in her old room.

Her path forward had been clear until Liam had shown up on her doorstep.

“Riley, please! If you’ll just listen!”

“Listen to what, Liam? You promised me a future!”

“We can still have a future!”

“How? You’re engaged! To my best friend!”

“Because the council wouldn’t approve you! I had no choice!”

“You had a choice! You could have refused to get engaged to anyone! That’s what you told me you were going to do if the approval didn’t come through!”

“Yes, but that was before I found out my father is dying, Riley! I couldn’t be crowned king without being engaged and he has weeks left to live!”

“What?” She turned her tear-streaked face up to him, “How long have you known that?”

“I found out moments before the coronation when I told him I was going to wait another season. That’s when he told me that we didn’t have another season!”

“Oh.” She didn’t know what to say to that.

“Please stay, I love you; we can make this work!”

“How? I don’t even know if Bertrand wants me to-“

“You don’t have to depend on the Beaumonts any longer, Riley, I have something for you.” He produced a sheaf of papers and handed them to her.

“What’s this?”

“This is the paperwork transferring the deed to Valtoria to you and conferring the rank and title of duchess!” He smiled at her proudly.

“I…don’t understand. What’s a Valtoria?”

“It’s a duchy, my love,” he chuckled, “You’ll be a member of the Cordonian aristocracy in your own right, with your own lands, titles, and bank accounts. It lets you stay here as it grants automatic citizenship, gives you a governmental position, a means of supporting yourself, and provides a very real reason for us to spend time together, as you’ll need to be brought up to speed on how to run it.”

Her eyes flicked uncertainly back and forth from him to the papers in her hands, “You’ve…. thought of everything…”

Everything except how to have avoided breaking her heart, ripping their planned future right out of her hands, and taking her best friend from her in one fell swoop.

“Please say you’ll stay, Riley. Please!”

He looked so lost and forlorn, so full of longing and sadness that her heart constricted in her chest. She still loved him and the fact that he still loved her eased some of her pain, despite the convoluted situation they found themselves in.

In that moment, she wasn’t thinking logically. All she knew was that saying yes relieved a lot of pain for both of them.

She could stay and give it a try. If it didn’t work out, she could always leave later, right?

“Earth to Riley….” Drake’s voice pulled her out of her reverie.

“Oh, sorry!”

“It’s okay, you have a lot on your mind. Where were you just now?”

“I was thinking about how everything went down between me and Hana.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“I think I’d like that actually, just not right now.”

“Okay, I’m always only ever a phone call away.”

Her head jerked up, “A phone call? Are you leaving already? You just got here!”

“That was my mom on the phone, she needs me back ASAP, there’s something wrong with the herd.”

“Oh, no! I’m so sorry! What is it?”

“I’m not sure, but it’s nothing for you to worry about. Let’s focus on Hana right now.”

“Drake, I want to be here for you too!”

“I appreciate that, and I will take you up on it. Just not right now. Like I said, you’re worried about your friend. We can talk later.”

“Okay, if we find out Hana is okay-“

“When we find out Hana is okay!” He corrected her.

“But what if-“

“Hey, you know Liam is going to get her the best medical care the world has to offer, right?”

“You’re right.”

“Of course I am! Once we know she’s going to be fine, then you and I can tell each other all our secrets, okay?”

“Yeah, that sounds good.”

He guided the car into the hospital parking lot and into a parking spot, “Here we are.”

She reached for his hand again, “Drake, thank you.”

“Don’t thank me yet,” he grinned at her, “I still have to get you past security!”

[kiljoius-writes]

Trapped In My Mind

Ao3 | FFN

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First Chapter

Chapter 5: Are You Satisfied?

The next morning, she was relieved to be roused by rustling in the kitchen. She cautiously peeked out to find Kiba in the kitchen, prepping away at breakfast like he always did, and she let a smile grace her. He glanced up to find her and nodded but didn’t seem to smile. Something inside of her felt knotted at his lack of cheer.

“Good morning,” she offered quietly as she approached the bar, peaking at the food he was cooking.

“Sleep okay?” he asked nonchalantly and Hinata huffed a breath, contemplating being honest.

No. You weren’t here.

“Yes.” She nodded, taking a seat. He nodded once more without looking up. She glanced down at the empty teacup in front of her and wondered if he forgot to pour her tea, or if he was subtly messaging her. She decided to get up and pour herself the tea without question, not wanting to come off as demanding, despite becoming accustomed to certain things here in Kiba’s home. He looked at her from the corner of his eyes but remained silent as he laid a plate in front of her seat. She took her seat once more, said thanks, and started.

In awkward silence, they picked at their food individually. Something about this made Hinata feel very wrong. Kiba wasn’t one to be quiet, and he couldn’t seem to say much since yesterday. She bit her lip as she debated breaking the silence herself but was relieved when he spoke instead. “Hana was saying she wants you to walk the pups, huh?”

“Oh, yes…” Hinata sighed, keeping her eyes on the plate. “I—I think I’d like to, actually.”

“Yeah?” Kiba finally looked up at her with interest. “But?”

“I’m…still bound to the village. I would have to get permission to leave.”

“From Naruto.” Kiba sighed as well, looking back down at his food. He paused a moment before continuing, “for what it’s worth, I think you should. I know Naruto will let you, and it’d be good for you.”

“Hmm.” Hinata hummed reluctantly, pushing the rice on her plate around mindlessly.

“I’ll go with you,” Kiba offered, eventually resting his eyes on her to gauge her reaction. “If you want, of course.”

“Oh…” Hinata swallowed thickly, eyes locked on her plate. The idea of having to speak with Naruto was very much an unwelcome thought. Her nightmares since she had first spoken to him when she returned were split between nightmares of him, Neji, and Kiba. The nightmares of Naruto specifically had increased since she returned, and the anxiety filling her chest at the thought of speaking to him felt suffocating. “I don’t know…”

“Up to you.” Kiba shrugged, looking back down at his food. The way he wasn’t pushing her was odd and made her feel uneasy.

“You won’t try to drag me there?” she asked, pointedly. He shrugged again, refusing to look up or respond. “Kiba?”

“No, Hinata.” He sighed, setting his chopsticks down. “You made it clear you don’t want me to. I’ve just been making you upset. So, I’ll stop.”

Hinata locked up at the words. She didn’t know why it bothered her so much to have Kiba be so…she didn’t know what. Defeated?

“You let me know, okay?” he said somewhat coldly as he got up to dump his plate in the sink. “I’ll be at the clinic.”

With that, he took off, leaving Hinata feeling confused and somewhat hurt. Had she really had such an effect on Kiba to have him act like this? So indifferent, so aloof? She found herself hating it. What right did he have to act like this with her? After everything? After all she had lost, all she had gone through, he was the victim now?

No.

She breathed a deep sigh. If she wanted any semblance of peace, she knew she had to try to fix this.

After working up the courage, she willed herself to enter the nursery she had been at the day prior. She glanced around for Kiba or Hana, and when she found no one, she brushed past the pups to peak into a window of one of the doors. She found Kiba leaning on a counter as Hana seemed to be giving a shot to a dog on her examination table. She watched for a moment before she saw Kiba’s nostrils flair, and his eye catch hers. She gasped as if she had been caught doing something wrong and ducked away. She scurried towards the exit but couldn’t leave in time as Kiba emerged from the room she found him in.

“Hinata?” he called, tilting his head questioningly at her as she stopped in her tracks. She sucked in a short breath before turning to face him, giving a weak wave.

“Hello, Kiba,” she said, quietly.

“What’s up?”

What was up? What was she doing here? She wanted to ask him to walk with her to the Hokage tower but found herself hesitating for some reason. “Just…wanted to see the puppies…”

“Oh?” Kiba perked an eyebrow, resting his hands in his pants pockets. “Well, you’re here, huh?”

“Yes.” Hinata sighed, stepping forward reluctantly as she reached out to pet an eager pup.

“Hinata?” Kiba questioned once more, stepping towards her. She looked up innocently. “C’mon. What’s up?”

“I…” Hinata breathed, knowing she couldn’t keep things from him. She raised to her feet and nervously wrung her hands. “I…will you come with me? To the Hokage tower?”

“Huh,” Kiba huffed, causing her to look up at him questioningly. She felt relief wash over her as that characteristic smirk graced his features once again. “Yeah. Let’s go.”

“Thank you,” she whispered, hands tightening within each other. He looped his arm into hers and tugged her away, and she finally relaxed. As they walked through the village towards the large tower in the middle, she felt comfortable for the first time in a while.

“It’ll be good, for you to get out,” he mused after some time. She nodded. “Exercise, fresh air, pups. What could be better?”

“Yes.” Hinata finally giggled, finding herself drifting closer to him as they strolled. Once the tower came into full view, however, her stomach tightened. Naruto’s face on the Hokage mountain was nearly complete. She thought it didn’t look much like him. The features were too sharp, the eyes too narrow. She shook her head as Kiba reached for the entrance of the tower, pulling the door open for her. Once they were inside and climbing the stairs, her feet began to feel heavy. Kiba seemed to take note, tugging her up the stairs.

“Come on. You’ll be alright,” he whispered gently. She nodded, but her pace did not quicken. Once they were on the top floor and about to approach the assistant’s office, she froze. When Kiba went to tug on her to find her dead in her tracks, he frowned. “Hey, come on. It’s just…him. It’ll be quick.”

“I…” Hinata sucked in a sharp breath, feeling like her lungs were being constricted. “I can’t.”

“Yes, you can.” Kiba pressed, stepping in front of her and resting his hands on her shoulders. She gritted her teeth, looking away from his domineering stare. Suddenly, her breathing quickened, and she knew he was sniffing her out. “Hey, I’m proud of you for even considering it,” he crooned, gently pulling her into his chest as she began panting, looking everywhere except his eyes, “shh, it’s okay.”

“It’s not,” she whispered shakily, not returning his embrace, instead feeling like she was locked in her own skin. “I can’t…I can’t look at him again.”

Kiba was silent for a moment as he gently stroked the back of her head. Then, suddenly, he pulled away from her and pushed her a short distance against the wall next to the door they were to enter. She gasped as he ducked in front of her, locking eyes with her. “Then just think of me, okay?”

“K-Kiba—” She swallowed thickly, scanning his serious expression. Then her vision went black as she suddenly found herself locked in a kiss. It was so sudden, she barely had time to react. His lips were completely covering hers, and his hands were now gripped around her waist. After a moment, she found herself feeling weak against him, the knots in her stomach loosening, replaced with the feeling of butterflies. Just as soon as he had started, he was pulling away just in time for her hands to find the curvature of his neckline. Breathless, she looked up at him with wide eyes. His serious expression remained as he scanned her facial features.

“Think of me,” he reiterated in a whisper, reaching up to brush a wild strand of hair from her face.

“Kiba…” she repeated, her breathing shallow as she stared up at him. She found her eyes resting on his lips and couldn’t help but feel the need to pull them back toward her. Had she…enjoyed, kissing Kiba?

“Go.” He tilted his head to the side, stepping away from her. She audibly gulped, a tiny whine escaping her when he let go of her waist. Now she realized what he had done. She thought briefly of Naruto, those big blue orbs flashing through her mind, but only for the tiniest second, before the thought of Kiba’s lips against hers pushed it out. She couldn’t even think of Naruto for more than a few seconds. She felt herself…needing Kiba against her again. “Hina.” She broke from her trance at his beckoning, finding that smirk on his lips once more. She stared at them for a moment before he spoke again, gently pulling her hands from his neck, “we can do that again after you come back out.”

“O-oh—“ Hinata’s words caught in her throat. She couldn’t believe Kiba had rendered her so speechless. He set her hands at her side and softly pulled her by the shoulders to turn, then gave her a gentle push towards the door.

When she finally emerged silently, Kiba looked at her expectantly, clearly attempting to sniff out the answer from her. She slowly pulled her hands from behind her back to reveal a scroll and he raised his eyebrows at it before looking up to find her smiling.

“I—I did it,” she whispered cheerfully, then let out a happy gasp as he swooped her up around his waist, pressing her against the same wall he had just kissed her against.

“I knew you could,” he said happily, pressing kisses against her forehead and cheeks. She giggled at the show of affection, feeling like her heart was swelling several times its original size. She found herself wrapping her arms and legs around him and holding him, as if he might leave again. He pulled back to admire her, a lopsided grin on his face. “You think of me?”

Hinata bit her lip as she looked up at him as well, unable to wipe the smile off her own face. “Yes, I did.”

“Good.” Kiba chuckled, leaning down to bring their faces closer to one another, noses pressed against each other.

“Kiba…” she whispered, finding herself running her tongue over her lips as his came very close to her own, the heat of his breath stroking against them.

“Do you want me to kiss you again?” he asked, quietly. Immediately, she nodded, running their noses against each other. A low chuckle left him before he finally gave her what she was silently begging him for. Their lips slid against each other once again, and Hinata felt something deep inside her emerge—some deep need she didn’t know she had. His fingers dug into the flesh of her thighs as he held her up and she wasn’t sure she ever wanted him to let her go. The feel of another’s lips against hers was something remarkable, something she had never truly experienced outside of silly fumbles as teenagers. His lips were smooth, but commanding. He took the lead in all the ways she found herself craving him to.

“Oi.” Hinata popped her eyes open to peek out the corner of her eye, finding Shikamaru standing against the doorway with his arms folded. She pressed her hands against Kiba’s chest as he refused to pause the kiss, tightening his fingers around her thighs.

“Kiba-“ her muffled protest was finally met with him relenting, pulling away to shoot a glare at Shikamaru.

“Could you two maybe do that…I dunno, not here?” Shikamaru rolled his eyes, but his face wasn’t completely frowning. He almost looked amused.

“You got it, boss.” Kiba chuckled, dropping Hinata from his palms but catching her before she fell. “Tell Naruto I said hey.”

“Mhm.” Shikamaru sighed as Kiba yanked her away down the hall. Hinata could hear him mutter under his breath “troublesome” as they rounded the corner.

Hinata found herself feeling needy as Kiba dragged her through the village, back to the Inuzuka estates. She was itching to get back as soon as possible, feeling like she needed him against her again. Empty was the best way she could describe how she felt when he pulled away from her. When they finally reached his home, he didn’t even completely open the door before he had her against it, forcefully pressing his lips against hers once more. He scrambled to both open and close the door without letting her go and she couldn’t help but press herself against him as well. Then, she was against the inside of the door, held against it by Kiba.

Finally, she allowed herself to feel him. Her fingers grazed at the hem of his shirt, hesitantly pressing against the fabric to feel just how hard his abdomen was. She let out a tiny gasp when she felt the defined lines through the cotton against her fingertips, eliciting a tiny snicker in the middle of their kiss. His hands were wandering as well but were careful to stop just under her chest, instead resting on the small of her waist. His mouth devoured hers, and she pushed against him with more force, feeling more confident as they continued.

Suddenly, after several minutes, Kiba pulled away from her and she realized she desperately needed to breathe. Taking in deep swallows of air, he chuckled as he pushed her hair from her face, his fingers tangling into her hair. “Breathe, sweetheart.”

“Kiba…” she managed to breathe out in between gasps, her eyelids feeling heavy as she struggled to look up at him.

“Hm?” he questioned with fake innocence, resting his forehead against hers. When he received no response, he grinned down at her. “C’mon. Let’s go walk some pups.”

“Now?” she asked shakily, biting down on her lower lip as he pulled away from her.

“Up!” he barked with a laugh as he caught her before her knees could buckle underneath her. “I make you weak in the knees, huh?”

“Oh—” she gasped, grabbing his forearms that held her up by the waist. “Quit that!”

“Why?” he asked playfully, much like he did the other night. When she shot him a look, suddenly she softened, realizing she didn’t want to go down this road once again.

“I…I don’t know.” She shook her head, suddenly averting her eyes.

“Because you like it,” he teased quietly, pulling her hips towards his own. She gasped as she planted her palms against his chest to stop from stumbling. “Don’t worry. I won’t tease you too much.”

Hinata shook her head, letting a small smile fall on her lips again. As her mind began to clear from the heat of the moment, she managed to right herself and he released her once more. She pushed her hair back behind her ears and straightened out her shirt before looking up at him. “Okay. Let’s…let’s go!”

Hinata was skipping.

Skipping wasn’t something she’d done in…a very long time. Perhaps not since before the war.

But she really did feel lighter, now. As if all her problems were melting away, and nothing really mattered.

Was it foolish to think that everything was fixed? Yes, she knew that. But she hadn’t had a genuine moment of happiness in so long that she was choosing happiness, today. It was something she heard Ino say once, years ago, after Sasuke took off for his redemption journey.

“I’m choosing happiness, today.”

Happiness indeed.

And Hinata decided that she was perfectly pleased to take every single pup on a walk, even if she had to make trips.

And Kiba seemed perfectly pleased to join her.

Hinata promised the remaining pups she would be back for them before they set out.

“Hey—Hinata!”

For once, a smile was on her face when she looked up at someone beckoning her. That smile immediately fell upon the sight of a pink head of hair.

“Oh my goodness!” Sakura jogged up to her, hands on her knees, out of breath, which would seem unusual for the most powerful kunoichi of their generation.

Unusual, if it weren’t for the rather large bump protruding from her middle.

She could feel Kiba freeze next to her.

“Saku—” the name died in her throat. Her mouth went dry, her limbs paralyzed, the clutch on the leashes all too tight. The pups whined and tugged, untrained as just babies, and Kiba gently coaxed the leashes from her hand.

“I couldn’t believe it!” Sakura beamed and threw her arms around Hinata. “When Ino said you were back!”

“Y—Ye—Yes—” Hinata’s chest was full, and not of affection. Pure, unadulterated anxiety. Panic was gripping her, hard. Even harder than seeing Naruto.

Sakura seemed to take note, her arms falling away from her as she backed up. “Oh, I’m so sorry. I see you’re busy with these cuties!” She giggled as she crouched down and reached out for the pups to lick her hand.

“Where you off to, Sakura?” If Kiba had been panicked by the interaction, he had quickly brushed it off and taken the lead, casual as ever. He stepped towards Sakura. “No hug for Kiba, huh?”

“Oh, hush,” Sakura said with a laugh, giving him a side hug, “ah, I was having cravings so I’m off to…ugh, it’s embarrassing to admit it, but Ichiraku’s.” She covered her mouth, rolling her eyes. “That idiot’s had an effect on me, or maybe it’s the kid, huh?” She glanced down at her own belly. “Probably gonna be a die-hard ramen fan, too, with my bad luck.”

Kiba laughed and Hinata could actually recognize the kind of laugh it was. It was the kind he used when they went on missions, when they were trying to get information, or let in somewhere. Charming, charismatic, completely fake. Hinata tried to control her breathing.

“Well, if the kid demands it, you better go get it huh?” Kiba gestured north. “These pups are itching for a walk anyway, so we better get going. Hey-hey!” He bent over to soothe a particularly rowdy pup who was now spinning in circles and barking wildly. “Alright boy—or are you a girl? Ah, there’s so many of you! Well, anyway—” He gestured now to the gates. “We better be off. Don’t be a stranger!”

“You, too!” Sakura turned her attention to Hinata and reached out to grab her hands. They were clammy. “And Hinata, I really wanna catch up. All us girls should get together now that you're back, right? But…I really…” Her voice went quieter as she stepped forward. “I’d like to have a heart-to-heart, y’know?”

Y’know.

Y’know.

Y’know.

Hinata swallowed, eyes growing large, and she knew tears were emerging, so she turned away. In a shaky voice, her best effort at composure: “Yes, Sakura, that would b-be lovely. Please—"

“Alright, alright!” Kiba hooked an arm around Hinata’s neck and dragged her away. “You ladies and your gossip! I’m tired of it, look at poor Yorimaru!”

“Sorry, sorry!” Sakura laughed, holding up her hands. She gasped and put one of them on her stomach. “Oof! Yeah, babies making demands anyway. See you two!”

“Yep.” Hinata looked up as Kiba’s voice went short, and they were already several meters away.

Her body was shaking. She held a hand up in front of her eyes to observe and it was out of control. It almost looked like she was having some sort of episode with the way it moved.

“Hey,” Kiba whispered, bringing her in closer, “you’re going to be okay. Maybe not right now, but you will be.”

You will be.

Hinata felt her breathing come in short bursts. Panting, or maybe hyperventilating. Yes, hyperventilating. Once they were out of the gates and further away from prying eyes, she collapsed.

“Damn!” Kiba cursed, quickly looping the leashes to a nearby tree before crashing to the ground next to her. “Hina? Hina—”

“She’s pregnant.”

Hinata let the tears come.

How foolish she was.

How ridiculous you look. You look like the village idiot.

“Y…yeah…”

“You knew.”

Hinata squeezed her eyes shut and balled her fists, then pushed them into her closed eyes. She was trying so very hard not to let the sobs escape. She felt Kiba’s hand rest on her head and she instinctively reached up to smack it away.

“Hey—!”

“Stop it!” Hinata cried, eyes popping open, red with tears and anger. “Stop it, stop it, stop it!”

She watched him deflate. Visibly, his shoulders slumped, his face fell into a frown, and his hands dropped into his lap.

“Why wouldn’t you tell me?” she gasped out, trying so very hard to control the shake in her voice. “You let me—you let me look like a fool! I was blind-sighted—Kiba, how could you—did Shino know?! H-he had to! Both of you—you don’t—you don’t care about me!”

Kiba’s eyes grew as he listened to her, but he didn’t even interrupt this time.

“You just—you just—” Hinata’s voice caught with the sob, and it was over. They were going to come, so she embraced it. Embraced the pain.

No happiness today.

She covered her face, squeezed her eyes closed, and pressed one palm into her mouth to force herself to just shut up.

Just shut up. It’s all you’ve ever been good for anyway, right?

“K-K-Kiba—” she choked out, it was muffled by her hand, “why? Please just—tell me why?”

Silence passed over them as Kiba shifted on his knees to sit on his bottom. He crossed his legs and scooted closer. “I didn’t…find out until I got back…”

“So?! Y-you still could have told me!”

“You were getting better!”

“Wh-what?”

“You were opening up!” His voice was shaking now, too. “You were staying with me, and then Shino told me, and—and gods Hinata!” His tone was also desperate. “I didn’t want to ruin your progress! And—I mean, come on! Look at you! You went to Naruto, willingly, to get permission to go out of the gates! And you did it well! And now you’re here, about to walk pups, with—with me—”

“With you!” Hinata sat up, suddenly feeling not just devastated, but angry. “With you, Kiba! You manipulated me!”

“What?!”

“You did!” Hinata accused, pointing a finger at him. “You just—I don’t even know what it is you want! You think this is some sort of game and it’s my—my life!”

Kiba’s jaw dropped as he watched her get to her feet, fists balling up again.

“It’s not a game!” Hinata’s voice could never get very high, but this was the highest it could go, and that meant something. “I am a shame to my clan, my brother is dead, and now—now I have to watch the only one I’ve ever loved—”

She stopped and her eyes dropped to the ground, immediately. Because she knew—she knew the consequences of what she had just said.

Even if perhaps her mind was debating with her heart, she knew.

There was a very good reason why Kiba was doing all that he did.

And now she just told him that she’s never loved him.

Her hands went limp at her sides, and her shoulders sagged. Just as she deflated as he did, he climbed to his feet, too. Her eyes followed him without lifting her head as he untied the pups and simply…walked away.

Once he was in the distance, a mere dot, she fell on her collapsed, again.

Like she had so many times. So many times, in the last several years. When Neji’s body was recovered. When Naruto proposed to Sakura. When she was forced to the realization that it could never be.

Hinata pressed her forehead into the grass, forcefully, and sobbed.

Loudly. If anyone were to stumble on her, they’d probably think someone had died, or that she was fatally injured. But no one had died and she wasn’t gravely hurt.

Except that her brother was dead, and her heart was gravely hurt.

This, this, was why she ran. So she would never have to confront these feelings. Being away, being independent, being someone different, that was what helped her move on, and now she felt like a complete idiot. Her place was never in the Leaf, it had always been away. Just like her place was never in her own clan, passed off to the only sensei willing to take her. Just like her place was never in Naruto’s heart, forgotten and cast aside. Just like her place was never by Neji’s side, always catching up and never being enough until he was taken. Her place wasn’t here. It was away. Away from the pain and the hurt.

As Hinata kneeled on the ground, forearms, and head pressed into the ground, surely leaving grass stains, she cried. She cried harder than she ever had before because it hurt more than it ever had before.

And just like always, she felt arms around her.

Being comforted during her episodes was nothing new, but she had to wonder who it was that was trying to pull her back, now.

Her chest heaved as the arms tightened, and then—

“My sister…”

Hinata’s sobs came harder than before at the soft voice behind her.

“My light, my inspiration…my star.”

Oh, no.

Hinata couldn’t help the way her sobs went harsher, shallower, haggard.

“Please…please…”

“H—Hanabi—” she choked out, a hand reaching up from the grass to encase her sister’s around her stomach. Then her little, yet taller sister heaved her up off the ground, and now she was being cradled. She sniffled as her face was pressed into her kimono top, her arms encircling her.

“Don’t leave me.”

Hinata’s breath caught as she instinctively wrapped her arms around Hanabi’s waist and locked them there.

“Not again, please. I need…my elder sister.”

“I—I—” Hinata couldn’t verbalize just how sorry she was at that moment. To everyone she loved. To Shino. To Kiba. To Hanabi. So she just…said it. “I’m sorry.”

Silence overcame them as Hinata’s sobs fill the air. Hanabi had never been much for crying, so she simply held her in a death grip. One that was horribly tight, suffocating even, but was exactly what Hinata needed.

Hanabi took a long, deep breath. As if collecting her thoughts. Then, she spoke “I forgive you. I will always forgive you, elder sister. I love you. I love you with my entire heart.”

Hinata almost wished she could escape this. Because it was exactly the same sentiment Hinata had given Hanabi, all those years ago. When Hanabi defeated Hinata. When Hanabi was named heiress to the clan. When Hinata had to look down on Hanabi and tell her that no matter what, she loved her.

But now, Hinata knew it was a kindness her sister was offering. A kindness to be forgiven, to hold onto some sort of semblance of hope, something that was real between them. Something that could never be replaced or replicated. Hinata loved Hanabi with her entire heart, from the moment she was born. And now, Hanabi was making sure she knew it, too.

And just that simple gesture…well, it was enough to quell her racing, frantic heart, for a moment.

“Hanabi, my…” Hinata gasped for breath, clutching onto the material of her shirt, “my sweet sister…I love you, too.”

Hanabi’s breath stopped for a few moments. Then her fingers started to trace circles into her scalp, soothing. Hinata leaned into the touch, just as Hanabi had leaned into her touch as a young girl. Hanabi sighed, pressing a kiss into the top of her head, and Hinata had to wonder: how did we end up like this?

Happiness wasn’t in the cards, and she wondered if it ever would be.

[sinclarify]

how i think a fandom would mischaracterise all my sillies <3

junichiro okumura: mean yaoi man. he's quite cold and also does not mince his words so they'd definitely turn him into some like. idk mafia boss. mafia yaoi boss

kaori izumi: they'd either make her into the worst person that ever lived because of her personality or a sad sensitive pathetic person who 'needs to be protected' because of how she died

tatsuya fujiwara: they'd turn him into a baby oh my god. my guy is quite reserved and closed off emotionally and Quite Anxious All the Time and they'd uwufy him ..fuck. or turn him into a tsundere or something. ami its not like i like you >_<

minori kamiya: i fear the uwufication of minori kamiya would be inevitable . that or you'd have the two extremes of "MINORI DID NOTHING WRONG!! they're so innocent and soft and cute!!!" despite the fact that they killed a man or "MINORI'S A HORRIBLE REPHRENSIBLE MONSTER WHO DESERVES THE WORST" despite literally everything else about them

quinn levine: she's black so racist weirdos will be racist weirdos. her entire personality would also be watered down to just Being There to Help Literally Every Other Character without having a personality for herself!!!

hideyo hidaka: i shudder to think. he's already completely morally reprehensible but i fear he would be made even WORSE. or people would completely ignore how much of a terrible person he is and all of his malicious inclinations because "he's hot and he did nothing wrong!!!"

kozue kaneko: her entire personality would be watered down to Dumb and Loud . think like how some of the dgr fandom perceives akane owari. like THAT

chiyo inoue: if kozue gets the akane treatment, chiyo's getting the ibuki mioda treatment. aka they'd completely ignore her emotional intelligence and just make her seem like there's nothing in her head but ribbon and sparkles !!!!!

kane cooper: they'd TWINKIFY HIM they'd YAOIFY him he's already blonde and gay and also the antagonist I FEAR THEYD GIVE HIM THE KOKICHI TREATMENT????? FUCK

hana nishikawa: her connection to mihoko will draw in some weirdos that's for sure. they'd take 'mindlessly devoted puppet' and turn it into something freaky. i shudder to think

mihoko uehara: she's a woman and the mastermind so people would either hate her even though her antagonism would be totally lauded if she was a guy OR they'd be absolute freaks with it! i SHUDDER to think

ami takahashi: she'd be totally reduced to some ditzy bimbo pre-chapter 2 and post- chapter 2 she'd just be absolutely hated. she'd get the 'bitch' 'thot' treatment you know... my poor girl . also her character progression is just her Getting Worse and people won't like that!!!!!

akihiro kanda: UGHHHH HE'D BE THE NUMBER ONE VICTIM OF THE UWUFICATION GET HIM OUT GET HIM OUT OH MY GOD

natsu shimada: they'd make his relationship with kane his ENTIRE personality . reduce him to being nothing but a love interest! the twinkifcation would hit him bad ....

[everythingsinred]

Let's Talk About NatsuMikan: Natsume (pt. 14)

Natsume has been putting himself on the line for his sister. He's currently manipulating his way into the Hana Hime den, completely unaware that he's falling for a trap set for him. At the same time, his manipulations involve spending a lot of time with Mikan, and how his feelings of love for her complicate things.

Chapter Fifty-Six

The boys dutifully dress in girls’ kimonos, even if they are embarrassed. Natsume will do anything for his sister, so dressing in drag is really nothing compared to all the other stuff he has done and will do for her.

Upon arriving at the house for the party, Mikan is very excited, waving her hands (including the one not-actually-stuck to Natsume) and dragging him all over, which he surprisingly allows.

Yeah, yeah, the scans are low-quality, but what matters is LOOK AT THEM. She's so excited and dragging him around and he just lets her! I'm obsessed.

They enter, escorted by Shizune, who leads them past the party on the first floor, which is open to all Middle school girls. They are headed to the more exclusive party on the second floor. Many of the Middle school girls gossip about the group headed up the stairs, but Mikan is happy to notice Misaki and Nobara in the crowd. Nobara is excited to see her, until she sees Natsume there too. Her mood changes from excited to scared, asking why Natsume has come to this place and warning Mikan to get him out because he won’t be safe there.

Nobara is surprised to see him, but also scared for him, which gives off the impression that either she didn't think Natsume would fall for the trap or she wasn't aware that there was a trap at all but knows that the Hana Hime den is a dangerous place for him anyway. With this in mind, we can see that something very dangerous is awaiting Natsume. If he does find his sister, it won't be easy getting her out safely.

Chapter Fifty-Seven

Almost immediately after arriving, Hotaru is able to separate from Ruka and Youichi, which spurs Natsume to finally give up Mikan’s hand as well. The MSP is obviously peeved by the boys’ presence and the role she was forced to play for Persona.

The flower princesses have decided to cheer the MSP up by choosing one of the incoming group to bully. Hotaru is absolutely out of the question, as she is the only one the MSP actually intended to invite. The boys are not chosen either, as Natsume is to be sacrificed to Persona and the princesses find them all cute. That leaves Mikan, who is immediately obnoxious and loud, the perfect target for ridicule.

Mikan is very excited about the traditions and rituals of the flower party, but she is very persistently excluded from each one. Even the boys get flower names (other than Yo-chan), but Mikan is ignored when she asks for one.

She is then excluded from the feast, with all the dishes purposefully taken from her and placed in front of other people. She is then given a “medicine” which only makes her smell bad so the other attendees want to stay away from her. Hotaru seems to be distracted by the special treatment she was so looking forward to, but Natsume is visibly bothered by the strange way in which the flower princesses are treating Mikan.

The games they play either exclude Mikan, mock her, or both.

In no time at all, she is thoroughly lonely, depressed, and hungry, her face painted all over.

They all sit around for another game, and the flower princesses decide that Mikan shouldn’t be invited for this one at all. Though Ruka and Hotaru are put off by this, Natsume has had enough, so he leaves the circle completely. Hotaru's way of defending Mikan is to get back at the girls through a game she invented, but Natsume's technique is a bit more straight-forward.

Natsume doesn't even like these people. Mikan, on the other hand...

Natsume has gone to fetch a dumpling for Mikan, a chestnut kuri kinton shaped like an orange. Perfect for her, he says. He then says he’s unbothered by the smell of her medicine, especially compared to the perfumes sprayed all over the place. Natsume doesn’t care about being polite and courteous to the MSP. He’s here to save Aoi, and standing by while these girls bully the love of his life won’t exactly help him save Aoi, so why should he do it?

So they end up bickering over something stupid again, and Mikan seems all cheered up.

She even seems sad to see him go to the bathroom, telling him to hurry so they can eat and spend more time together.

Pretending is so much harder when he can see that she actually enjoys spending time with him. How is he supposed to be okay with his fate when this is so much more pleasant?

He shuts her down, like it’s no big deal, but it is, of course, like everything else he borrows.

But he can’t have her waiting for him when he knows deep down there’s a chance he might not come back. He’s here for a reason after all, and that reason is sadly not to eat kuri kinton with Mikan. It’s to save his sister, who might be captive in a dungeon somewhere.

The MSP warns him not to explore too much, as she won’t be responsible for anything that happens to him.

He begins by looking for a bathroom, but there are no boys’ bathrooms, so he wanders around. His attention is immediately grabbed by some girls talking about “Yuki Aoi”. This is a trap, of course, just like everything else. He follows the girls downstairs into the basement, trying to look for Aoi, but the girls quickly report to Persona that it’s all going according to plan. It almost seems like too obvious a trap, but Natsume is desperate. He hasn't heard from Aoi in too long. He's so eager to find her that he doesn't see the warning signs, like that all the hints about Aoi are a bit too obvious.

Now is time for the Dangerous Ability Discipline Squad to be deployed.

Chapter Fifty-Eight

Natsume descends into the dungeons, perfectly aware that he could end up staying there forever, and that he’ll be horribly punished for sure. There isn’t a lot of Natsume in this chapter actually, but his friends grow concerned about his long absence from the party, and wonder if Natsume has perhaps been punished as the MSP warned, for wandering where he shouldn’t.

We learn that the MSP has a very strong barrier alice, one that protects the whole school, and that it is very powerful in the dungeons, where Natsume is.

When we do see Natsume again, he has only gone deeper into the basement, when he sees a cell with a girl in it. He quickly rushes to her side, convinced that it’s his sister, but is disappointed to find that it’s actually Nobara with a wig, unconscious.

The problem is, now he’s locked in a cell.

Chapter Fifty-Nine

Nobara, desperate as she was to make sure Natsume was okay, took Tsubasa with her into the dungeons, only to be isolated and put into a trance state. Natsume knows what the trance state means: it’s the only way she can be made to use her alice on missions, as she is usually good-natured.

He knows he’s in danger now, that the DA class has trapped him and that he might have to fight. And just like that, the Discipline Squad is there: Rui, Hayate, and Yakumo, all waiting for him.

Natsume has been acting out of line for quite some time now. He’s been going on missions that go against the agenda of the school, all to help his friends, specifically his "kitten of a different color". He’s been smiling and joking more, happy when he’s supposed to be eternally despairing. The higher ups don’t like that, and this is his punishment.

Rui explains what’s going on, since Natsume goes on missions on the outside and isn’t familiar. The Discipline Squad is a subdivision of the DA class to punish people who aren’t toeing the company line. The Hana Hime den basement is where they usually do their work. Tsubasa was once victim to Rui’s alice specifically as a punishment for his troublemaking, hence the curse mark under his eye. Natsume’s punishment will likely be much more severe.

Persona then appears, holding the unconscious Nobara, informing Natsume that this was the final test: that Natsume should have been obedient and not wandered down into the basement. However, he has failed the test and stepped out of line once again, and this is the last straw.

Ah, how nice to see the Discipline Squad, my beloveds. And Natsume looks so pretty in that kimono.

Natsume is immediately on the offensive, grabbing Persona and demanding to know where Aoi is, but Persona uses his alice on Natsume’s wrists so he pulls away. Persona then instructs one of the Discipline Squad to go and get rid of the four new intruders who have descended into the basement, so now Natsume knows he has an extra responsibility beyond simply rescuing Aoi (not that rescuing Aoi was ever going to be simple).

Despite always putting others first, he never considers that his existence matters to people, and that if he's in danger, his friends will come to protect him.

The squad decides Hayate will go, although he complains because he had apparently been waiting a very long time to be able to beat Natsume up. We can see that Natsume isn’t popular in the DA class either, and perhaps that Yo-chan is the only one who might admire him, even in a class where they’re all in a similar boat.

The silly antics and childish jabs of the Discipline Squad too are very interesting. They act big and tough, and were perhaps given heavy responsibilities, but they’re still children. Every single person in the DA class is a child, someone forced into these actions in some way or other, whether through emotional blackmail, physical coercion, or manipulation. All of these kids are under the illusion that they are more important than they are--simply pawns obediently doing their duty for the school’s benefit.

It’s an effective tactic to pit oppressed or victimized people against each other so they don’t focus on the real enemy, Persona and the ESP. The DA class demonstrates this quite well. Back in the day, Luna was pitted against Yuka. Natsume hates most of his classmates except for Youichi. He can lash out at Nobara, who is loyal to Persona, because he can’t lash out at the man himself. And all the other kids hate each other, get mad at each other, argue amongst each other. Hayate getting angry that Rui is calling the shots even though the real person in charge is Persona (and even further up, the ESP) is a great example of this. They are all so busy being mad at each other that they don’t realize the person pulling the strings is the one they should be angry at.

Anyway, Persona warns Natsume that because four new people have entered the fray, he might want to submit. After all, the dungeon has the highest concentration of the MSP’s alice, and he isn’t accustomed to it, like the Discipline Squad is. But if he refuses to submit, then Persona will give him answers if, and only if, he can defeat all three members of the squad. If he cannot defeat them, well, he’ll be trapped in the dungeon for the rest of his life. Naturally, Natsume has no choice but to agree to the deal. His sister’s safety is at stake, after all, and he would do anything for her, including possibly allowing himself to be locked in a dungeon forever.

Chapter Sixty

Persona leaves Natsume alone with Rui and Yakumo, and Natsume thinks to himself that this is an impossible situation. His upperclassmen are very powerful and their alices suit the name “dangerous ability”. At the same time, he realizes that he has to win, because he wants to save Aoi and avoid being locked up. But Rui decides to take off, sensing Tsubasa in the dungeon, so Natsume is left with only Yakumo, which might make things easier. One on one is easier than two on one, after all.

But Natsume is actually not relieved. If Rui senses someone he’s marked, then there might be another person down with them. In any case, he doesn’t want Rui to meet his friends. Hayate is one thing, but Rui is far more dangerous, and they might be in serious danger if he decides to use his alice. After all, Natsume can hardly use his alice properly, so even if his friends had a chance with their alices, they’ll be at a serious disadvantage in the dungeon.

Yakumo tells him to snap out of it, to stop being distracted, because then Natsume will certainly lose. So Natsume has no choice but to hope for the best for his friends and that the mystery fifth intruder will protect them in his place, and focus on his fight with Yakumo for now.

This translation is a bit unclear, but he's pleading for the mystery intruder (Tsubasa) to protect his friends because he can't.

It’s interesting, from what we see of Yo-chan standing up for the other intruders in the dungeon, that Natsume told him to look out for the others in case something happened. Why did Natsume entrust such a task to a toddler, and not to Ruka or somebody else? Well, for one, Natsume has been entrusted with caring for everyone around him at a young age too. It was his job to be the serious and mature one after his mother died, taking responsibility to be as adult as possible and protect his father and sister, even though that shouldn’t have been on his shoulders at all. He won’t think it’s unfair to ask Yo-chan for this, because he’s been through it too and it’s normal for him.

Another thing is that every kid in the DA class is extremely powerful. To be in the DA class, it’s not enough to have a potentially dangerous alice, or many other kids would be in it. Tsubasa could have been in sooner, or Ruka could have been enlisted. Even Iinchou’s alice could be potentially terrifying if used in the right way. But they’re not DA students, because the alice has to be powerful enough to exploit. Yo-chan isn’t just in possession of a creepy alice; he’s a prodigy as well. He has control of his power and can do terrifying things with it. He’s been put on missions and trained too, even as little as he is, and he can do much more with his alice than the others can. Natsume trusts Yo-chan because he knows how dangerous these situations can be and he’s the most qualified to protect his friends.

Natsume please. He's just a baby.

It’s tragic, but it’s the truth. The DA students are living very different lives from the rest of them, much better acquainted with the school’s darkness than anybody else could comprehend.

And Natsume might be locked inside it forever.

Chapter Sixty-One

We learn that Yakumo has insect pheromones. Natsume is fighting hard, using his alice to protect himself, thinking hard of Aoi to keep himself aware of what he’s fighting so hard for.

There sadly isn’t much Natsume in the chapter. He’s busy at a stand-off with Yakumo and the battle isn’t really going anywhere.

Something of note is Narumi, looking at Ruka’s postcard from his mother, pondering why the children haven’t returned yet. He knows something is up, and has no doubt known the whole time at the very least that there were too many coincidences involved in the banquet to be mere coincidences. At most, he was somewhat aware that Persona was planning on punishing Natsume. With Narumi, it’s hard to tell.

And he was right all along...

Narumi recalls saying that Mikan could be the key to Natsume’s future, because he’d had the hunch that Mikan would become Natsume’s light. Natsume has, after all this time, realized that as well. Nobody wants to be locked up forever, but he especially doesn’t after he’s found something that helped make him happy again. So he will fight hard, because he wants to see Aoi again, and because he wants to see Mikan again too.

Conclusion

Natsume is ready to fight his hardest to find Aoi and keep from being locked away forever. He was aware before that he might not be able to easily make it back out, but it's become harder than he had imagined. Now that he knows Mikan and the others have followed him, he has even more to consider.

It’s a shame that I won’t be talking about Natsume and Ruka’s backstory in this essay. I brought up what I wanted to at the very beginning of this essay, and I won’t say much more than that here. I’ll touch on it in the Mikan POV essay, and I’ll go into every detail I can when I eventually analyze Natsume and Ruka’s relationship, but for now, there’s not much I’ll say.

This may be surprising! No Natsume backstory analysis in a Natsume essay?! But I’d be repeating what I’d said in the beginning. This isn’t just a Natsume essay after all. It’s a ship analysis, and I’ve said what I needed to already. I’m sad to skip it because it’s one of my favorite arcs in the whole story, but I’ll beat it to death in the future, so all is well.

I'm sorry if this was underwhelming. Like I'd said before, this arc is all about discovering Natsume, and Natsume... is Natsume, so he doesn't need to discover anything. I don't want to repeat myself or beat a dead horse just to fill up space. I reckon there will be one more part to this arc! I'm also sorry for posting this kinda late. I got very busy this morning and now everything is off-schedule. I'll try to post at a normal time tomorrow.

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[papers4me]

Fruits Basket,Se03, Ep 8 (part 1)

“ I hate myself, so much, so intensely, so completely, I wish I just go away, disappear for good, & yet in the end, I always protect myself, instead of taking responsibility, I run away every damn time, like now, I’m too scared to even look at your face”. The real kyo under the layers of trauma.

This quotation is why this ep is not abt romance. Instead it is abt: Extreme self-loath, faulty coping mechanism, self-awareness & inability to make correct decisions due to suicidal thoughts & non-existent self-worth.  

This is a guy who’s literally seen death TWICE at the age of 4 & 15 (his mom & kyoko), is trying to avoid the THIRD (tohru’s) & is questioning why the FOURTH isnt happening (his own death).

-The layers of a broken self: Excellent writing:

I applaud the writer for choosing fitting methods to portray her characters’ own trauma. Yuki “ prince” mask & tohru’s “i’m okay” mask were fitting to hide their trauma & uncover the real personalities. However, since kyo would be the character to hide secrets & carry guilt, the viewers need to feel he’s hiding sth w/o knowing what it is. It was done cleverly to (a) tie the plot together, (b) build kyo’s character, (c) fit the climax, (d) suit his trauma of severe guilt & self-loath. Some of the things he does can fit two genuine layers: Both layers are true:

His initial refusal to open up to tohru in early se01. (Surface layer): he doesn't know how to interact with ppl who accept him as he confessed to shigure, (Deeper layer): he avoided tohru cuz he knew her!

He initially refused to join leisure activities & trips: hot spring & kyoto trip (Surface layer): he didn’t want to go with yuki (Deeper layer) he didnt want to spend time with tohru as he was unconsciously feeling that he’s stealing from her.

It killed him to see her true lonely self behind her fake mask & approached her with advice. se1, ep5 (grandpa house), se1, ep23 (sick tohru), se2, ep 8 (hiro’s remarks) & other instances.  (Surface layer): he was noticing her issues, & genuinely wanted to help her cuz he’s kind (Deeper layer) he was falling in love w/her & unconsciously wanted her to be happy with HIM.

There were times when there was ONE layer, such as: kyoko’s 1st grave visit. He was so off, rigid, unresponsive, & completely shut down. Everybody read him. Yuki, tohru, Arisa & hana. they just don’t know why he behaving like that. his trauma manifested itself deeply that he apologized to tohru in her sleep cuz he was “ too scared to even look at your face”.

- Kyo’s trauma takes physical shape: (Clutching his heart: PAIN, clutching his stomach : DISGUST) :

While confessing to tohru, kyo’s features spoke volumes. You can see disrepair, guilt, broken soul, sadness & surrender. His body reflected his emotions:

wide eyes (disbelief), Cat eyes (utter fear)

trembling body (overwhelmed with toxic emotions)

clutching his fists (anger at self) , opening fists (surrender to darkness)

hand covering face (shame), Hand around neck as he finished confessing abt kyoko & yuki (desire for death: the final judgement)

The most focused physical appearance was his fist clutching his heart: he was in so much pain as he narrated how he loved kyoko & found a friend in her, desired to make her happy, to find tohru for her, how his his mom withered away out of fear of him & how pitiful & sad he felt towards tohru for loving someone like him. It broke his heart to see them all suffer after knowing him. All the love he felt for them squeezed his heart tight, he wanted to pull it & rip it away. Above all, he was sad to loose them all. Sad he can’t be wit them.

Then he clutched his stomach: representing the pure disgust he felt at himself. As he realized that there is no escape from being responsible for their death, as he admitted he illogically blamed yuki, his disgust with himself boiled in his stomach. What kind of disgusting horrible person does that? blame someone illogically? I’m horrible, hateful & utterly undeserving to be forgiven. Being disgusted with one’s own self! oof! it was so well-done with animation!

-Tying Mature Themes with Child Trauma:

Through kyo’s story, there were different mature themes that excellently dictate his behavior, mentality & emotional well-being: Excellent writing!

(1) The desperate need for self-worth: To be good for once!

by constantly destroying his self-worth thro contempt (the sohmas), rejection (his mom), hate (his father), pity (kazuma/ kagura, initially), kyo searched for an outlet to be a worthy human. Someone who deserves to be loved for who he is. He found that in kyoko. It is brilliant that kyo didn’t look for a mom in kyoko. He called her “ old hag”, she told him unflattering facts abt herself “ neglecting her daughter”. she was his first real friend. He found comfort being with her. He wanted to return the intimate feeling he felt deep down, kyo is so hung up on giving as much as taking as it contradicts the notion of pity. The opportunity came! Helping her find her daughter! being someone who does good! Return the daughter & feel worthy of being a true friend, a man (aka a person). “ i’ll help her, I’ll protect her for sure! it’s a man’s promise” The promise in its core is abt kyo wanting to be a person. Not a monster, or a cat. A true real boy. Away from all the toxic past emotions. Being a man: means being a big boy (person) with good achievements! All this shattered when a better boy beats him to it. The boy who was always praised, loved & respected! kyo’s self-worth diminished greatly & all the toxic emotions came back!

(2) The downfall of faulty coping mechanism: Creating a Bad Guy:

I stated before that one of my fave scenes of kyo was in se02, ep23 when kyo lashed out at yuki on the stairs upon seeing the hat & how yuki felt nothing but pity towards kyo as he was stuck in the past while yuki moved on. Brilliant scene that explains why one moved on & the other didn;t. Yuki’s faulty coping mechanism was being withdrawn & shutting himself. This coping mechanism didnt make him feel better at all!!! Also, he doesn’t have regrets nor sins, he dealt with his faulty coping mechanism with tohru’s help & the school council & healed gradually. Forever loving the writer for writing the distinction between kyo & yuki logically without painting any as monster in reality. Kyo couldn’t do as yuki for the following reasons: ( remember the old theme of everybody heals on their own pace? love it )

(a) He was addicted to shifting the blame as it made him feel better abt himself!! he shifted his thoughts from “ I wanna go away for good” “ mom, why didn’t you kill me instead” to “ it’s not my fault at all, it’s yuki” No match between the two feelings! one leads to suicide, the other leads to feeling like a mere victim. The two feelings are wrong tho & He knows that! he isn’t ready to stop the drug. He can’t face himself. “ the bad guy, if he isn’t as awful as you think, who you’re left to blame”.

(b) nothing around him can make him feel better. Tohru? but she’s kyoko’s daughter! she’s a lonely orphan, carrying her mommy’s pic taking to it! why? cuz you didn't save her! Loving tohru? is good & I wish we can run away far & be together always! wake up! why would she wanna be with a disgusting monster like you?!! You dont deserve her! you who caused his mom to die, caused her mom to die, blamed an innocent guy! Yuki? yeah, look at yuki, you can never be like him, watch as his true kindness gets noticed by tohru, the school & everybody!! he’s everything you cant be!! he should be with tohru! not you!! Master kazuma? poor guy! you brought him nothing but misery! you see his sad smile, don’t you? he’s disappoint in you. Kagura? she pities you!

(b) Kyo can’t fix his mistakes. kyo watched as yuki got back with his brother, befriended haru again, goes back to the sohma estate for the holidays. he feels he cant have similar reweds as he cant bring the things he needed. his mom, kyoko, his bio dad’s affection, kazuma’s pride in him, tohru’s love & his own satisfaction at himself. kyo just hates kyo “so much, so intensely, so completely”

(c) his fault coping mechanism mirrors his dad’s. Kids pick up toxic habits from parents all the time. Even his suicidal thoughts mirrors his mom’s! brilliant writing!

3- running away from responsibilities: perfectly constructed theme!

Who didn’t? I’m guilty! ugh! one of the best themes in furuba hands down! Any other writer would have made kyo do it once, or twice & have him face it in climax & then deal with it. but NOT takaya-san! She excellently took her time with kyo repeating this exact mistakes over & over to better portray the theme & take it out from the boundaries of story-telling to realistic depiction & logical gradual progression:

kyo ran away from being accused of killing his mom (he’s completely innocent & isn’t responsible for his birth’s deformity/curse nor his mom’s suicide)

kyo ran away from accepting kyoko’s words that yuki isnt bad & most importantly that kyo is good. He had found relief in blaming yuki, now you wanna tell me I should look into myself? I’m bad! i dont wanna look. your words are weird “ no bad or good”  Everybody says otherwise, the sohmas, dad & mom! kyo angrily ran away (completely guilty but excused as child would be).

kyo ran away from facing kyoko’s body & wanted to punish himself with death. Depression took over him as “ master tried to get me to keep living”. (completely guilty in his own eyes, if only he tried to safe her, even if he transformed, Even if she still died regardless!!! he hates himself for choosing the disgusting kyo over the kind kyoko)

kyo ran away from telling tohru the truth upon seeing her, pretended not to know her, slowly dying each time she smiles, slowly falling in love & wishing for a chance with her, a chance he believes doesn't deserve.

Kyo ran away in se01, ep14 when remembering the accident as shigure  triggered him. Tohru consoled him & he lost the chance to come clean.

kyo is running away now. Unable to face her “ too scared to even look at your face”. “ I cant forgive me! I dont want you to fogive me either”

So, after running away the first time, kyo should’ve learned better, right? now in the climax, he shouldn’t  have run away? Yes, he should. cuz simply, he isnt ready. We dont learn from our mistakes cuz someone told us. we learn when we fix the core issue. A guy who thinks he deserves a chance in life would stand tall, confess his sins, argues, talks, tells the story unbiased,  then waits for verdict. kyo thinks he doesn’t deserve to be alive, thus, tells the story with server bias towards judging himself as unworthy. HE decided the verdict & didnt wait for tohru: “ I cant forgive ME! I dont want you to forgive me either” That’s why toru’s words fall flat. “ why cant you see the truth: I love you” he can’t tohru!! cuz right now it is NOT abt love. It is abt trauma!

4- Sever guilt & desire for disappearance (death):

As adults our mistakes loom over us & we’re constantly reminded of the “ what if I had acted differently”. This ties with kyo witnessing his mom’s horrible death at 4 years old. Death in itself is scary. A loved ones death is devastating. Watching it unfold in shocking unprepared way is destructive. kyo was destroyed. Not enough: he gotta carry the guilt as his dad & the sohma hammer the accusations. He gets another chance & loves another person. Only to watch the blood splash reach his shoes. “Guilty” whispers the past. “Guilty” confirms the present. He stands in front of the most precious person to him. Now what? If tohru forgives you, the pain goes away???? You wouldn’t repeat the ultimate mistake of killing her, would you? you ominous creature. Her mom warned you. The nightmare stands hovering over kyo’s head, waiting to come true. IT WILL COME TRUE!!! OMG!!!

if Akito does it. It wouldn’t be kyo’s fault, right?  If the car hit kyoko, it’s not my fault, right? if my mom did it herself, it wouldn’t be my fault, right?

But if only kyo didnt ran away, tohru would be alive. If only I pulled kyoko, she wouldn’t have died. If only I wasn’t born, mom wouldn't have killed herself.

The “ if only “ that killed kyo’s mom as she lamented “ if only I gave birth to the rat” will eventually destroy kyo! ugh!!! AMAZING WRITING!!!

5- The Right Time to Heal (self-desire or outside help?):

When yuki was trapped in Akito’s room, haru visited to help. did yuki accept it? NO. yuki didnt even remember much of it. Why? cuz it wasn’t the right time & yuki was too deep into darkness to notice, to accept & to change. It wasnt until he was out, in co-ed school, rebelling against akito, when tohru came, he accepted her, then it lead him to accept School Council & haru. Tohru had Arisa & hana, but never went to them in her darkest moment, hiding she was living in a tent, they were hurt & confronted her, still she kept hiding her fears, sadness & darkest thoughts, interfering in Arisa’s life to provide help, but never allowing them to interfere, until kyo came & broke her mask, she started to complain, talk, show true emotions & want things! She opened up to Isuzu, too. Arisa & hana weren’t the right ppl at the right time for tohru to heal. Kyo had kazuma to teach him better, kyoko to make him notice his mistakes, tohru to love him unconditionally, the right ppl, but all that was in the wrong time cuz he’s in his darkest moment now like yuki was, unable to see or accept. Healing requires self-desire & outside help, but it gotta be in the right moment, when you can see beyond the abyss & into the faint light of dawn. That’s when words will reach the heart. Kyo need to fall so hard, in order to stand up again. Today, he unloaded his burden, threw up the disgust he felt towards himself, spewed all the hate against the real bad guy: himself! Kyo is kyo’s bad guy, has always been. He needs to let go of hating himself & accept the kind gentle kyo that kyoko & tohru saw ~

Side Notes:

This ep is why furuba wins & deserves 20 years of recognition among manga-readers! this story is real! it is NO sweet fairy tale of two lovers. It is abt one’s self & desire to live. All of them struggle with  this particular desire: kyo, tohru, yuki & the rest.

kid kyo was looking for young tohru all night! T_T

this ep of kyo confessing/ narrating his past , reminded me of yuki’s 3 eps of him confessing/ narrating his past!!! ugh! I wish tohru had that! ahhhh.

The 4 months in the mountains weren’t training!!!!! they were depression & suicidal thoughts! ouch!!

Perspectives are what dictate our feelings: Through yuki’s eyes, kyo was so happy with a loving father, friends around him & a house outside the sohmas. Thus, yuki envied him & wished to die not knowing kyo was living in trauma & feeling utter contempt & self-loath. Through kyo’s eyes, yuki was so happy with a living loving family, friends around him & a house with respect. Thus, kyo envied him & wished to die Not knowing that yuki was suffering abuse & neglect!

I love the pacing of this ep!!! It gives room to feel pain & understand the situation!!! I didn’t feel the headache of the bullet train!! THANK GOD!!! SO SATISFIED!!! I was invested all the time!

kyoko’s “ I’ll never forgive you” really destroyed kyo & went beyond it to destroy her own daughter! AAAAAAHHHH ~ T_T

I have some issues with the “ I forgot” part. It makes no sense that they make him forget the accident only to do the cheap cliff hanger in ep 6, then lazily weave it into his confession to tohru in ep. 8. He always remembered the accident. Apologized to tohru in her sleep in se01. ep14 for that exact accident, Then in se02, ep 9. It was ALWAYS in his mind! ALWAYS. Sorry Mr. Director. very lame try. lol.

The only thing I didn’t like is the music! very weird choices throughout the ep! especially at the end. Why a happy music over kyo’s “ I’m disappointed in you? lol!! its sad & tragic?! weird!!!!

I will talk abt Tohru will be in part 2. (her choice, kyo’s answer to her & the need to let go of her mom, the sohmas & of... kyo.

[pitrsattabhaadmeinjaa]

She looked me in the eye.

…, she had the utter audacity to look me in the eye after what she had just done, and she drove the dagger further in my chest.

My hand fell away from her messed up hair, coming to weakly hold the dagger with her.

“Well, well, well” I choked out, “you finally snapped. What did it for you, my love?”

“Don’t call me that!” She said through gritted teeth, “you don’t get to fucking call me that!”

“Why not? Are we not together? Have I not called you my love everyday, Hana?” I stumbled back, leaning against the dresser.

“YOU MURDERED MY SISTER! YOU TORTURED MY PARENTS TILL THEIR BODIES WERE UNRECOGNISABLE, YOU BITCH!” I could see tears build up in her eyes, starting to fall.

“Oh? I did? Well I don’t particularly remember that. I remember doing that to the Boyds.” Their blood was spectacularly sweet.

Her face warped into a furious expression. “You don’t even remember killing my family?”

“Darlin’, I remember all my victims, and you, uninformed moron that you are, have just wasted a perfectly good shirt of mine.” I took a hold of the dresser and shakily sat down. “Who the fuck in their right mind gave you such false information?”

“You’re denying it? YOURE FUCKING DENYING IT?” Her eyes were now red, a snarl set on her face. “You don’t remember cutting off my sister’s limbs, or burning my parents arms? You don’t remember last month, when you were at your north house, making my family bleed? Dumping them in the river behind?” She spat.

“Ah. Last month. Well, honey,” I winced, the dagger moving in my chest, “if you had just done your paperwork on time, you would know that last month, the only time I went to my North house, was to pick up Adi’s stuff. My son, you’ve met him?”

I could see confusion enter her eyes, starting to believe me.

“The documents are on my nightstand, if you wanna check, feel a little bit of regret, and overall regret your idiocy.”

Hana narrowed her eyes at me, but still went to check.

She opened the file, began to look through it, and then-

Ah, there it was. The aching feeling of regret, the heartbreak.

She turned to me, pressed a hand to her mouth, more tears rolling down her cheeks. Her hand holding the file went slack, all the papers falling out and being disorganised.

“I know that this is an emotional moment for you, discovering that you just stabbed your girlfriend through the chest for nothing, and that you’re gonna hate yourself forever now, but did you have to fucking drop the file?” I asked, my head turned to her, one eyebrow quirking.

She dropped to her knees, scrambling to get to me, her hands hovering over my chest.

She, again, had the fucking audacity to look her betraying eyes into mine.

“I- Gods, fuck, shit, FUCK, what have I done?” She cried out. “I’m sorry, I’m so- I’m so sorry, I’m so fucking sorry babe, fuck, oh my god.”

“Well, for starters, you, my dear, have just sentenced me to death. Stabbed me through the chest, so I’ll either die slowly if this stays inside me, or bleed out early if you could kindly take your dagger out.” I forced out. “I would much rather prefer I didn’t die suffering.”

She sobbed harder at that.

“And if you could get my son over from his room, so I can see him one last time, that would be great too.” Adi was the only reason I was sad about leaving. He was the light of my life. My precious, amazing son.

Hana would’ve been the second reason, but, well, we all know how that’s going.

She just kept sobbing and apologising. I sighed, I had to everything myself. A woman can’t die in peace, can she?

I grunted, shifting a bit to pick my phone up from where it had fallen, back when my beloved shoved a blade in my chest. I pressed the power button three times, knowing he’ll know to rush up to my room.

The door banged open, Adi standing there, panting, eyes immediately finding me, the dagger in my chest and the blood seeping out.

His eyes widened, he fell to his knees before me and his arms came around me from the side. “Mom! Oh my gods, mom! Mom, stay with me, stay with me!”

“Hi, baby.” I caressed his cheek with one hand, shaking, “I love you so much, you know that right? You’re-”

“No! No, shut up, you will not do that, this is not fucking goodbye mom!” He cut me off and quickly called the medics.

“Who did this to you? Who did this?” His tear-filled eyes, overcomed with rage, staring holes into mine.

I could feel the darkness trying to take over now.

“My girlfriend is a traitor. But Adi, listen to me- No! Listen to me!” I exclaimed when he opened his mouth and turned his wrath-filled eyes to her. “I am so proud of you. So, so proud. And you are going to be a fantastic leader. You are. I will always love you, kay?”

He sobbed harder at this. “Mom please don’t leave me, please, I can’t do this without you, I can’t, please Momma.” He buried his face in my hair at that.

I pulled his face back, looked him in the eyes. “Bye, Aditya. I love you so much, meri jaan.” I smiled softly.

“Head up?” I asked, one final time.

“Shoulders straight, Ma.” He kissed my forehead gently. “I love you so much too”

I let the dark take over.

[anotheronechicagobog]

Rangers, Lead the Way

Written by: @anotheronechicagobog

Warnings: Swearing, canon compliant violence, I had to use a lot of material from the actual episode, mention of domestic abuse

tagging: @detectiveinchicago​

A/N: So, this is a new series. Basically, OA Zidan (FBI), Jay Halstead (Chicago PD), and Kenny Crosby (FBI: Most Wanted) all went to Ranger training together and kept in touch, something that was useful when they couldn’t be the one to keep their ‘partner’ safe and need to call one of the others for assistance when their ‘paartners’ are temporarily working with another member of the trio.

OA wasn't a name that he'd heard in a long time. They weren't in the same unit but they were in Rangers training together. Jay was one of the only two people there who didn't have it out for him solely because of his religion, while he was shocked to find a Muslim among the ranks at first, he quickly got over it. Not only did he trust that his superiors wouldn't let a terrorist into the army at all, let alone Ranger training, but OA was a U.S. citizen, and had a very personal hatred for everyone who sullied the name of Islam and used it for violence and their own personal gain. So he and Kenny Crosby befriended OA despite the shock and ignorance from their brothers and sisters in arms. They studied together, trained together, ate together, and bunked together. When they'd all been given different assignments they made sure to stay in touch. And they continued to call, email, and text each other after they'd all been discharged.

When Hailey got temporarily assigned to New York Jay was... Well, it's hard to describe how he felt. It was such a nightmarish combination of devastated, terrified, and heartbroken. It was like an icy hand had enclosed around his throat and was slowly squeezing, painfully closing his throat, all while his heart was being dissected out of his chest by another. Not only was he reliving one of the most traumatic moments of his life all over again, but Hailey was going to be in the field without him. She was going to be in danger without him there to watch her back.

And since Hailey was amazing, she could tell just by looking at him that his mind was dropping down into a dark place faster than Alice tumbled into Wonderland. "It's just temporary. And I'll be okay, Jay."

"Hailey..."

"I'm going to put in my time and come back as quickly as possible. It's okay. It's all going to be okay." Hailey's words didn't reassure him in the slightest. How could they, when they didn't even reassure Hailey?

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"Special Agent Zidan."

"Hey OA, it's Jay."

"Hey man, how are you?"

"Honestly, not great."

"What's wrong?"

"My- uh my partner..."

"Hailey Upton."

"Yeah. She's getting detailed out to the FBI for a bit. I found out that she's getting assigned to your unit."

"That makes sense, my partner's doing a UC detail right now, we'll probably be partnered together."

"OA... Watch out for her. Please. She is strong and more than capable of defending herself, and you quite frankly, but- she's my- I..."

"Don't worry, Jay. I'll have her back. She'll make it back to you."

"Thank you. Seriously, you have no idea how much this means to me."

OA looked at the now-empty desk that had been causing his heart to ache at the sight of it. His shoulder sagged at the pain that was pulling in his chest, the dark fog that filled his mind whenever he started to think, started to wonder, caused his head to throb. "Actually, I know exactly how you feel."

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"You will be partnered with Agent Zidan."

"Hi, I'm OA."

"Hi. Hailey."

"Nice to meet you."

"You too."

"Listen up, everyone. This is Detective Hailey Upton from Chicago PD. She will be with us for the next few weeks as part of our interagency training program."

"All right, so let's, uh, direct our attention to the screens here. Found the body of a young John Doe in St. Nicholas Park. A hundred yards from Alexander Hamilton's house. Federal land, federal case- and no, it is not where Aaron Burr shot him. The famed duel took place in-- anyone, anyone? Weehawken, New Jersey. Kristen knew. Unfortunately, there's far less clarity in the present homicide case. Evidence of torture and abuse, the victim was brown-skinned, but there was no other evidence of a hate crime. So let's dig in, get to work, start filling in the blanks. Yeah? Go."

"You ready?"

"Yeah."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"So, Chicago PD? Should I be nervous?"

"Nervous?"

"You guys have been in the news a lot and not for good reasons."

"Uh, yeah, we've had some issues, but they're being addressed. It's a great place. I'm proud to be a part of it. The next time you want to insult me, just come out and say it, you don't need to disguise it as a compliment. This car right here?"

"Yeah, sorry. I didn't mean it like that. It's just my way of saying we do things differently here."

"Mhmm."

"Just trying to keep it real." And keep you from getting hurt so that Halstead doesn't develop a full head of grey hair. "So, you spend much time in New York?"

"Nah, first time here."

"Any early observations?"

"Pizza's too thin. It's like a cracker with sauce on it. Just trying to keep it real."... Okay, so maybe it would've been nice if Jay had warned him that she had an axe to grind, but he could make do.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"If I hear you're harassing any more immigrants, I'm gonna come back here, and I'm gonna break your arm. Do you understand?"

"Yeah."

"Good."

"I forwarded Kristen the pictures of Aman. She'll get us a street block number based on the license plates in the background."

"Just like that, huh?"

"The FBI, Upton. Our tech resources are pretty sick. Look, it's not a big deal, but now that you're working with us, just try and be a little bit more careful. If that guy Prichard calls the Bureau complaining that you threatened to use force..."

"Look, man, I don't need a lesson on how to talk to people, all right?"

"Hey, hey, hey. Don't get me wrong. I have no problem with someone breaking that idiot's arm, it's just... It's just that the Bureau is hardcore, and they take that stuff really seriously."

"You're right. I'm sorry. If he files a beef, I'll eat it and make sure you're clear. All right?"

"Appreciate that. But what the hell's a beef?"

"It's an expression."

"I'm kidding. Kristen said Aman's house is around this area."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So, Hailey is a badass. That was pretty damn cool to witness. Sidenote; Jay is going to murder him.

Hailey was fine, more than fine, she actually saved his ass. But that didn't matter, Jay had trusted him to protect Hailey and hadn't failed, but he hadn't done the best job either.

They'd been searching a house, and after coming down the stairs he completely missed an assailant in the kitchen. But Hailey hadn't. No, she saw him and got him out of the line of fire. He provided cover fire while she jumped back over to the wall at the end of the stairs. OA tensed, more than usual when he was in a firefight unless Maggie was- nope, not going there, the point is, he didn't miss the way a bullet penetrated the wall a few centimetres from Hailey's head.

"Halstead."

"Don't be mad-"

"Oh god-"

"Hailey's fine. One-hundred percent fine, not even a scratch. We just, uh, we got into a shootout with an assailant. He got a shot off close to her head. She's fine- more than fine! I swear! She actually saved my ass in that altercation! And I was covering her the whole time!"

"... That's it? That's a pretty normal day for us, OA. She's okay, you're okay... So, everything, is... Okay. And seriously, thanks again, man. I can't even begin to tell you how much this means to me. I know that she can take care of herself and the others around her, but it's hard when I'm not the one there to have her six. So I really appreciate that I know and trust the person who is."

"Well, I'm glad that you're not gonna come at me like you did when I stole one of the cookies your mom made from your care package."

"Yeah, we wouldn't want a repeat of that."

"Plus, I know how it feels to... Not know. My partner is under right now and..."

"You're going out of your mind?"

"More than you can believe. I can't eat or sleep, and every time my phone buzzes I think it's a death notification instead of an emergency call from work."

"Sounds like you've got your own Hailey. You'll have to introduce me to Maggie one day."

"Yeah, I will. And Ken's definitely gonna have to introduce Hana. We have heard far too much about her to not even be able to put a face to the name."

"Tell me about it. Sometimes I regret our 'no search' rule, but then I remember how much we embarrass each other."

"By the way, thank you."

"Huh? For what?"

"For saving my ass back there. In the house."

"Oh. Okay. Cool. You're welcome."

"Halstead, how much do get shot at, exactly?"

"Why are you asking?"

"She pushed me out of the path of a bullet and when I thanked her afterwards she treated it like it was nothing."

"... I mean, there's not exactly a whole lot I can do about people trying to kill us..."

"Jay. Dude."

"I can try to stop being 'idiotically reckless' as Hailey calls it, but I'm not trying to be a hero or a dumbass or anything, it's just that... If it's not me getting hurt..."

"...It's her."

"Yeah."

"We're both whipped, aren't we?"

"Oh, ridiculously whipped. The desk Sergeant at my precinct is constantly making fun of me for it."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Just got ballistics back on the slugs fired at OA and Upton. They match the bullets that killed Aman, but get this; they also match the bullets pulled from a drive-by murder victim two months ago."

"Could they ID a suspect yet?"

"Yeah, arrested him too. Name is Santiago Gonzalez, known associate of the Latin Players. He's being held at MDC pending trial."

"Latin Players. That's a Chicago gang."

"Hmm, looks like they're expanding."

"So the Latin Players killed someone, they get arrested, go to jail, and the gun

stays on the street."

"And the new owner uses said gun to kill Aman, a studious Indian engineering student?"

"Right. What are we missing? How are these two murders connected?"

"Have OA and Upton pay a visit to Inmate Gonzalez. Maybe he can help us answer that question."

"Right."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"So this guy, Gonzalez, is originally from Chicago. Runs with the Latin Players, so maybe you should take the lead on this one. But go hard on him." Hailey and Gonzales were from the same city, same blood, this was her turf, and OA wanted to make sure that he abided by that.

"You want a reaction?" Hailey seemed to get exactly what he meant, what he wanted, but she also seemed hesitant, like she needed more than clarification. It was like she needed permission.

"A big one. Big enough to force him to call his people."

"I think I can do that." And just like that, she had a smirk in her voice and was walking ahead of him. OA could see the wheels turning in her head and a coolness to her features let him know that she'd come up with a game plan. He didn't know if he should be afraid or not.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Where's the gun you used in the drive-by?"

"I don't know what you're talking about." They were less than a minute into the interrogation and he was already annoyed. Why did these guys always have to be so smug? He resisted the urge to roll his eyes, and just let Hailey do her thing, only popping in to keep the flow going. "One of your friends used it to kill a civilian last night."

"Used it again this afternoon on us. Fired off ten rounds."

"Like I said, I don't know what you're talking about." OA had to hold in a sigh.

"You're staring 20 to life on the case you're riding. Give us the name of the person you gave the gun to, and maybe I'll be able to get you a reduced sentence."

"Get my ass, blondie." OA quickly debated the pros and cons of stepping in. Honestly, this guy would probably just make him angrier with his smug attitude and sexist remarks, plus Hailey wasn't even phased. She was still in control, and she actually seemed a little... Bored.

"I'm not a fed like him. I'm Chicago police."

"So what?"

"Means I play by different rules. Also means I know the names of all the shot callers in the Latin Players. Tomorrow morning, we're gonna do a warrant sweep. Means a lot of people you know are gonna get arrested."

"That's not my problem."

"But it is. Because I'm gonna make sure that they know you are the snitch who gave them up."

"Now, you know nobody's gonna believe that."

"Really? Because in my experience, pissed-off bangers don't do their homework, and if they think you're a snitch, you're a snitch. In the street, rumours become facts like that."

"I'm done talking."

"Alright."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"So you think he believed us?"

"I don't know. What?"

"Nothing, you just reminded me of my partner, Maggie, in there."

"Oh."

"In a good way."

"Then thank you."

"Can you cue up the audio feed?" The prison guard nodded back at OA and did as he asked.

"So where is your partner?"

"Uh, she is on an undercover assignment. That I know absolutely nothing about besides the fact that she is gone and unreachable."

"That's gotta be pretty tough."

"Yeah, but she's really good, so she'll be fine."

"We're up." The guard unmuted the computer and moved out of the way so that he and Hailey could see it clearly.

"Yo, just say the word, man. Chicago about to throw that heat."

"What are you talking about?"

Gonzalez sighed. "Police and FBI here sweating me, man."

"About what?"

"That piece that I left behind. I'm guess it's all connected to what happened on the night at Highbridge Park."

"All right, thanks for looking out."

"No doubt."

"Can you trace the number that he called?" OA was ansty, ready to get moving fast before their lead disappeared and from the honed in look in Hailey's eyes he could see she felt the same.

"Payphone up in Washington Heights." The prison guard was curt and efficient, exactly what they needed and OA was silently grateful.

"Okay. Thank you."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"I'm guessing that's his girlfriend."

"Hold on. I talked to her at the park, right before we found Ernesto's body." From the way her body tensed OA could tell Hailey wasn't happy she'd let this girl slip through her fingers. He could tell her that it wasn't her fault, no one was even remotely aware of this connection, but he knew that was pointless. Any passionate law enforcement officer would beat themselves over something like this, himself included.

"Ah, and we have a hit off of social rec. Her name is Harper Quinlan, 23 years old, last known address is 84 Groton Street, Queens, New York."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Why were you at the park?" OA sat across from the young woman, dead set on getting all the information she knew. Arman's murder was quickly dissolving into a larger more horrifying crime and he was worried that the poor man who this had all started with would be forgotten and he didn't want to think about why that enraged him so much.

"I told you before. I was walking."

"Or was it to recover the glove that Lucas dropped after he killed his drug supplier?"

"I don't know anything about that."

"We have video of you in the driver's seat of Lucas' Range Rover at Highbridge Park the night that Lucas killed Ernesto Garcia, so you are now an official suspect in a murder investigation. That means no more lying, no more protecting your boyfriend. You either cooperate with us here and now, or you go to prison."

"I'm not gonna help you ruin Lucas' life. I just won't. He's a good person."

"Harper, good people don't sell drugs or kill people."

"Yeah, you don't know him like I do. He's so nice, and... he's sweet... He really loves me."

"Lucas isn't who you think he is, Harper. Protecting him will only get you and more innocent people hurt. Tell me why you think he was in the park that night."

"I'm not gonna help you."

"Are you listening to what I'm saying to you? You're a suspect in a murder investigation here. Lying to protect him makes this worse. You're putting more lives at risk. Be smart. Tell me why you were there that night. Harper, you don't need to go to prison for him." OA knew he wasn't getting anywhere and was trying to think of some other- any other method- to try and get Harper to talk, when Hailey burst into the room. She looked calculated, like she had a plan or idea that needed to be executed exactly or else the worst might befall those she was trying to protect. Which, if he read her character right, was everyone.

"Unlock it."

"What's going on?" Harper was just as confused as he was, but he knew better than to show it.

"Do it. Pull up your texts."

"Oh, my God."

"What does it say?" Hailey already knew, that much was obvious, but whatever was going on needed to be as brutally real as possible to Harper, and voicing it out loud would drive whatever was going on home for Harper.

"'Return the product, or he's dead. You have four hours. Tell your man to meet us at the place we did our first deal.' Oh, my- oh, my God." Harper's sobs quickly took up the space of the interrogation room, it didn't matter that she hadn't seen her father in so long, losing him would devastate her, and the Latin Players knew that well.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Let me take a run at her. I might have an angle to play." OA watched Hailey carefully, trying to make out was she was thinking, what angle she could possibly have, but he hadn't known her nearly long enough for any of that. There was this... Knowing glint in her eyes, and a sort of dark confidence had taken over her aura. She was confident in whatever plan she had, obviously, he just had no way of predicting what it was. In that moment, OA could really see what made Jay all twisted over her. She didn't look excited to break the accomplice of a drug dealer, or eager to impress the FBI. She looked like she was ready to get elbow deep in someone else's mess just for the sake of protecting as many people as possible with her quick wit and razor-sharp intelligence. So he just inclined his head and got ready to watch her work from the other side of the glass.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"You're in a tough place right now, Harper. We have video of you at the scene of a murder, which makes you an accessory. You're looking at 15 to 20 years in prison. But if you cooperate, we can help you. We'll talk to the prosecutor, explain why you were there, help him understand the nature of your relationship with Lucas."

"What are you talking about?"

"I know what's going on. He hurts you, doesn't he?"

"No. That's not true. He's a good guy-"

"No, he's not. What are those bruises on your neck? You tried to cover them up, but I can see them. When you first met, I bet he was great. You guys hit it off, you had fun. He was everything you wanted. But then he started chipping away at your friends and your family. So you pop a pill to numb the pain and tell yourself everything's okay, just hoping that the abuse is gonna stop. Harper. It won't. I talked to your dad. He loves you very much. And he needs you right now. He's in a lot of danger. If these guys don't get their drugs back, they will kill him. The only thing that matters now is you helping us to find Lucas, so we can recover the drugs and find your dad." Watching Hailey in the interrogation room really was something else. From the slight waver of her tone, the palpable understanding in her voice that seemed to wrap a crying Harper in the first hug she's had in a long time, he could tell that she was exposing a pain-filled part of herself to this- this girl, this accomplice in drug dealing and murder. And still, she was able to remain professional and in control, and OA could honestly say that her incredible ability to do her job both made his heart ache for her and impressed him far more than he thought she would.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

They were in the surveillance van, waiting for Harper and the SWAT team to get in to place. What OA was itching to ask her was highly personal. He did not expect her to feel comfortable talking to him about it, but she'd given Harper some of her strength and after revealing something so heart-wrenching, the protective Egyptian older brother in him needed to make sure that she'd left enough for herself. "So, how do you know so much about abuse? I am sorry, I did not mean anything by that."

"No, it's fine. It's all good. Everyone becomes a cop for a reason. I guess that's mine."

"Uh, yeah."

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Don't forget, Harper. He wants the cash to get out of town, but we need the location where he first met his dealer. That's where your dad is." OA nodded along to Hailey's instruction, keeping a critical eye on the emotionally distraught Harper.

"Babe. They took my father."

"What are you talking about?"

"That guy that you deal with, they grabbed my father and texted me that they're gonna kill him unless we return the drugs that you took."

"Oh, no, no. I can't- I can't do that."

"They took my father!"

"Look, I feel bad, but they will kill me. Oh, Jesus, don't-"

"Lucas."

"Don't give me the sad eyes look."

"Lucas."

"I'm screwed. Look, I gotta look out for me- for us, you understand?"

"Look, I need to know where you and Ernesto did your first deal 'cause that's where they wanna meet."

"I just told you, I'm not going-"

"I will go! I'll call my uncle. He has a lot of money. Maybe I can negotiate a deal or something."

"I gotta get moving, all right, so give me the money."

"Where did you meet him?"

"Stay strong." Hailey could see her waver, could see her lose her ground and need someone to keep her steady. "Location first, then give him the money."

"Lucas. Lucas. Lucas!"

"I'll call you later on, all right?" Lucas, being the selfish douchebag that he is, grabs the bag of money and moves to book it, leaving his girlfriend who needs him behind.

"Damn it. Move in now!" OA sounded the call and immediately all agents left their posts and honed in on Lucas.

"Lucas!"

"You lying sack of..." Lucas, in an effort to prove that he really is a stellar guy, pulls out a gun and starts shooting at the agents, causing panic and fear in the civilians around them. Really, Harper? This guy?

"Get down! Get down!" Hailey pulled Harper out of the line of fire and pushed her to the ground before covering her with her own body, amazing OA with her selflessness yet again. You really picked a good one, Jay.

"Move, move!"

"Drop it!" Scola had joined them when Lucas went for the kill, forcing OA to do the same. Only OA was a good shot, though.

"Lucas! Lucas! Lucas! Lucas..." Harper couldn't stop calling for him, and OA was certain that the only reason she hadn't crawled over to his body was that Hailey was holding her in place. "It's okay." Hailey seemed to be stuck on repeat, comforting Harper. OA personally couldn't see how someone who had been abused would mourn their abuser... But then again, he thankfully had never had to suffer through that. Unlike Hailey.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------"Sounded like he was ready to hit the road, so I'm guessing his dope is close by. Nothing back here." OA went to the Range Rover with Scola to look for anything- finding the drugs would've been preferable, but as long as it was a tangible clue, they could call it a win.

"Yeah. There's nothing here either."

"Any luck?" Hailey approached them, her I-know-something-that-you-don't-but-don't-worry-I'll-tell-you plastered on her face.

"Nope. Nothing."

"You have the keys on you?"

"Yeah."

"Here, let me try something. Hop in. Shut the trunk." Hailey closed the driver's door, started the engine, pushed a button on the stereo and on the car door. A drawer illuminated by blue light opens, containing the missing drugs.

"I already pushed it. Nothing happened." Scola sounded mildly insulted, but OA just chuckled internally.

"Okay, Chicago." He was impressed, and he wasn't going to hide that. He was also going to give Jay a call later to tell him to ask her out already. There's no way a woman this amazing stays single for long.

"I have a CI who installs these things. Engine has to be on and doors closed in order for it to open."

"Okay, we got the dope. Now we just gotta figure out where to deliver it to."- OA

"Yep."

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"We have Lucas' texts from the phone he was carrying since Harper said he started doing business with the Latin Players about a month ago-" Kristen was leading their group of field agents and Jubal towards the front desks, explaining what she found, and while normally they would have totally enjoyed her explaining just how smart she is, things were a little time-sensitive.

"Yeah."

"We need to scrub that time period."

"There, on the 28th. There's a text that says, 'Meetings at 2. Let's do 9 instead of 8.'" One of the analysts pulled the info onto the computer screen in front of them, showing them the text records.

"'Let's do 9 instead of 8'? But the meeting's at 2:00. Is that some sort of code?" Jubal's mind was whirring away with Kristen's, figuring out exactly what it meant.

"Well, here's Lucas' GPS data from that day around that time." Kristen worked her magic so that Jubal could work his.

"All right, so from 1:37 to 3:12, he was in Brooklyn down by the river. Kris, can you zoom in? Get a more specific look at this. Yeah, over here. Can you drill down right there?"

"Okay."

"They met at 2:00 at a dock. Pier nine instead of pier eight. That's the meeting place." Scola voiced it out loud, like he was still in thought and hadn't had time to put all of the pieces in place internally first.

"There it is." Jubal's prideful voice made OA smirk.

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"We've got 67 minutes to get the drugs down to pier nine. Unfortunately, the guy we need to deliver the drugs is at the city morgue." Isobel voiced the dreadful obvious from her office, forcing them all to sigh and start their plan to catch Arman's killer from scratch.

"I'll go under as Lucas' friend. I'll give him the coke in exchange for Harper's dad." Hailey volunteered herself, but not with the same gusto she'd been working the entire case. Something was off and OA's 'spidey senses' were giving him no peace.

"No. These guys have done their homework. They're not gonna buy that." OA knew he made a good point, but he hoped that no one saw the way his shoulders went rigid.

"I get it, but I think I can pull it off."

"No, I agree with OA. It's too risky." Isobel agreed with him and OA felt like he could breathe again, he promised Jay that he'd watch her back, something he couldn't really do if he was watching her not with her. And if he were honest with himself, he'd become a little attached to her in the time they'd been partnered together, hoping that they would become friends.

"So we need a plan C."

"Let me do it. He's my father. I'm the one who got him into this awful situation. So let me do it. Let me do something meaningful. Something that will make me feel good about myself... Please. Gotta let me do it." Harper looked at Hailey, not even acknowledging the rest of the room.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"You're gonna do great. Just follow the plan we laid out."

"He doesn't get the second bag until you see your father."

"Right. Got it."

"And if your dad's not at the meeting place, you tell the man to bring him there. He'll say no. You stand your ground." Hailey seemed to be offering more comforting advice.

"You have more leverage than you think. This dope is worth a lot of money, and that's all they really care about." While he seemed to be offering more calculated advice.

"It's okay to be nervous. They'd be suspicious if you weren't. You good?"

"I'm good."

"Okay."

"Okay. Here we go."

"Alpha team in position."

"Where's Lucas?" The gang leader, covered in tattoos was menacing as he approached.

"He sent me instead."

"And my product? There's only one kilo here."

"The other four are close by."

"Close by doesn't do me no good."

"Show me where my father is, and I'll get you the other four."

"Don't get cute with me, mama. I'll cut your throat. Go get my dope."

"Let's get ready to move in."

"No, no. Give her a chance."- Hailey was confident, but OA couldn't help but side-eye her. Wondering just what made her so sure.

"You trying to get your dad killed? 'Cause, that's what's happen if you keep playing."

"I need to see him."

"He's alive. I promise."

"I need proof."

"[whistles] Right over there, chica."

"Okay, we got eyes on the dad. We're good to go."

"Wait, wait, wait. Let's see if we can get him talking about Aman's murder. As soon as we see a weapon, we roll."

"Okay." OA knew that Hailey was smart, and she had been making great calls throughout this case, but he was still hesitant. An innocent man's life was in the balance, but he wanted justice for Arman too.

"Be a good girl, go get my dope. Do that, Big Papa walks. I'll go with you."

"So... So... How do I know you're not gonna kill me and my father once I give you the dope?"

"I don't kill civilians. Bad for business."

"You kill that Indian guy? He was a civilian."

"I try my best, but I'm not perfect, mama." Harper meekly retrieved the second bag from behind construction equipment.

"You did good, Harper." But 'good' wasn't enough for him. Suddenly a large silver gun was pointing at the middle of her forehead.

"FBI! Don't move!" OA lead the charge, coming out of hiding and announcing himself the second that they got confirmation that he murdered Arman they'd burst out of the van and beat SWAT to Harper, the Latin Players, and Harper's father.

"Drop your weapon now! Let me see your hands now! Put the gun on the ground! Step away! Put it down now!"

"Get on the ground! Get on the ground, now!"

"Dad!"

"Let me go! Dad! Dad! Dad!" Honestly, he didn't give the tearful father-daughter reunion much attention or thought, but he noticed that Hailey did, if only for a couple of seconds longer than necessary. He didn't know what to make of that, though.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Hey."

"Hey."

"I just filed my 302. Do you need help with yours?"

"Nah, I just finished."

"So, I have to admit, I wasn't so sure about you."

"Yeah, well, I wasn't sure about you either. But you're all right. For a fed."

"You wanna grab a beer?"

"I'm okay. You don't have to look after the new kid."

"I am pretty sure you don't need looking after. Come on, you saved my life. The least you can do is let me buy you a drink."

"For the tenth time, I didn't save your life. All right, let's grab a beer, but only if you tell me why you became a fed. I told you my reason. It's only fair you tell me yours."

"Deal."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

They didn't quite 'go out for a beer'. When OA heard Hailey's stomach throw a temper tantrum in the elevator he suggested going out for food that was accompanied by a beer. She'd agreed as long as they didn't go out for "crackers with sauce on them". OA had laughed, not even remotely or phased by Hailey's obsession with Chicago pizza. It's just another thing she shares with Jay. Besides, he wanted to take her somewhere else.

When they sat down Hailey looked around, taking it all in. Omar has been coming to this restaurant all his life. It had been open longer than he'd been alive, he'd even had his tenth birthday here. He hadn't brought Maggie here yet, not because he didn't think they were close enough, he just didn't know how she'd react to realizing that they are that close. "I hope you like Egyptian food."

"I've never had it, but I'm Greek and I know that there are a few shared foods and ingredients."

"Really? I wouldn't have guessed Greek from 'Upton'."

"My parents changed it when they moved here, their name was too difficult for Americans to pronounce, and there was some... Other stuff."

"I'm familiar with 'other stuff'. Do you want any recommendations or need me to explain anything on the menu?"

"You know what? You can choose what I eat tonight. If I like what you pick, I won't tease you for it the rest of the time I'm here."

"Well, for the record-"

"What record?" Hailey laughed.

"For the record, I am completely confident in my knowledge of food so I know I'll find something you'll like. After all, it can't really be bad so long as it's not non-Chicago pizza. Right?"

OA ended up choosing a dish called 'kushari', it wasn't like the Chicago or Mediterranean food Hailey was used to but she'd loved it. OA was smiling at her, proud of his victory, Hailey rolled her eyes, smirking at his impishness. "Tell me about your partner." The question caught him off guard and for a moment he'd felt a significant crack in his walls, leaving him exposed. Suddenly all the feelings he'd been pushing back since Maggie went UC enveloped and starting drowning him. Fear gripped his heart, haunting curiousity stabbed his mind, and loneliness hooked onto his soul. "OA? We don't have to talk about her, I'm sorry I asked, I didn't mean to upset you."

"She's one of the most amazing people I know. She's smart, strong, generous, empathetic, courageous... She's honestly one of the most amazing people in my life and I love having her as my partner." Hailey looked at him the same way his sisters and mother did whenever he spoke about one of the most important people in his life. Like they were able to listen between his words and decipher another meaning to what he'd said. But like his mother, his sisters always gave him hell for it, she said nothing. I couldn't even dispute it if she did say anything.

"She sounds badass."

"She is. What about your partner? Tell me about them?" He'd narrowly averted saying 'him', unsure how she'd react if she knew just how close she and Jay really were, and just how much Jay had told him about her. She got this smitten grin on her face, and OA knew that the roles were reversed from a few moments ago when he had that same smirk and far off look in his eyes. "His name is Jay Halstead, and he's an amazing person, except for when he's getting himself shot, the reckless idiot. He would rather get shot at than get a needle which rattles me to no end, especially because he's so much more kind and intelligent than he gives himself credit for and we need him you know, alive, but still, I admire him so much. He makes me laugh and he just knows how to get to me, you know? I would... I would follow him anywhere. Wow... What is in this food? Truth serum? I'm not usually that open..." It was like he could literally see a forcefield shaping around her. Shrinking in on herself, her face hardening, hastily putting a forkful of food in her mouth. She looked at the wall behind him, pretending to be interested in the decorations, trying to pass off the slight panic in her eyes.

"Maybe it's just my charming demeanour, or that I got personal first, really personal. Or maybe it's because you needed to tell that to someone you don't see every day."

"Yeah. Maybe." She still wouldn't look at him and a tense silence enveloped them until she took a deep breath and shook herself. Light seemingly went off in her head before she gave him an absolutely devilish smirk. "I believe I was promised your origin story."

"Is that what we're calling it? An 'origin story'?"

"It is now."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Halstead."

"Get your head out of your dumb ass and ask Hailey out."

"I- OA-"

"You won't regret it, Jay. I actually think that you will regret it if you don't."

"I just don't know if I'm ready to admit anything to myself, forget Hailey."

"When does life ever wait until you're ready, man? Neither of you work in a stable occupation, and even then the universe isn't exactly known for working on anyone else's timeline. I can literally feel you aching for her from here."

"But what if I'm not good enough."

"Oh, I've only known her for a few days and I already know that no one's good enough for her-"

"Damn have you adopted her as another honourary sibling? How many do you have now? And Hailey actually knows you've adopted her, right?"

"Not important, and don't try and change the subject."

"But if no one's good enough for her, then..."

"You're too hard on yourself Jay. No one's good enough for you either. Why shouldn't two people who are far too good for the world be together? You deserve happiness, Jay. You both do, and I think telling her that you're far gone with her would be a great start."

"Thanks, man. Really."

"No problem."

"... So you think that I'm 'far too good for the world'?"

"And now I'm regretting every word we've spoken." No I don't, but your head really doesn't to get bigger.

"Nope, no take-backs. You think that I'm badass and amazing."

"I never said 'badass' or 'amazing'."

"Jay Halstead- described as 'far too good for the world' by the humble and decorated OA Zidan-"

"I also called you a 'dumbass' but whatever, goodnight Jay. And seriously, ask Hailey out."

[ganon-binary]

Overwatch Heroes Ranking & Honest Opinions part 1

*Ahem* As we all are waiting for Overwatch 2 and Blizzard's rebirth as a company, I've decided to rank all of the playable Overwatch characters and give my 100% honest opinions about them. I have almost 2000 hours for this game and have a pretty big investment for the lore and the story so I thought this would be kind of fun? Parts 2, 3 and 4.

Ana Amari: 10/10

Imo Ana has probably the coolest character design I've ever seen in a video game. Who doesn't love sniper grandmas with healing and sleep darts? She is all kinds of badass with a heart touching backstory, a very interesting storyline and not to mention she is fun as hell in the game. 10/10 love you granny Amari <3

Elizabeth Caledonia "Calamity" Ashe and B.O.B: 8/10

Oh Ashe, you poor, misunderstood victim of a horrible release timing. A big part of the fandom hates her guts due to her being another skinny white woman released in the game before Blizzard added a black woman to it and many people's opinion haven't changed since then, but an unfortunate release timing aside, what is she like as a character? She is a just a lonely girl who wanted a family, and she decided to make one by forming a crime group. She has another case of the found family trope, and imo this is a good case of that. Personality wise she is bossy, feisty and takes no shit from others which a good contrast to her silent robot butler, Bob. In game she may be overtuned but she is still fun. 8/10, The fandom may not love you, but i do! <3

Jean-Baptiste Augustin: 9/10

Baptiste is the hottest Overwatch man and y'all are just racist. He was meant to be the "fan-service" dude and the fandom ignored him and decided to simp for old man toes instead. He has a really charming and sassy personality and his totally not gay storyline with a not yet playable character, Mauga is so intriguing! He has p hilarious interactions with other characters which make me always giggle a bit. He may be problematic in the game but his personality and lore over-weights that, 9/10, he is just a good man.

SST Laboratories Siege Automaton E54 / Bastion: 6/10

The character with probably the most iconic Overwatch animated short, Bastion is a very charming little robot. Their voice-lines in game are very cute but otherwise I don't really have strong feelings about them. Their storyline in OW2 seems interesting and their dynamic with Torbjörn is hilarious. They makes me groan every time I see them in game though. 6/10, no hard feelings buddy!

Brigitte Lindholm: 8/10

Brigitte is such a sweet and lovely character. I really love her caring and loving personality, and her obsession with cats! Her dynamic with Rein is SUPER good and I'm so excited to see more of them in OW2. She is probably the most controversial character in the game, because of her they literally had to change how the game was played and added role lock. Good for you, girlboss! Looking forward to her rework in OW2, 8/10, i wonder if she likes The Cat returns?

Hana "D.Va" Song: 7/10

Not gonna lie, before her animated short "Shooting Star" I didn't like her that much. A young girl being a celebrity, but has PTSD is an interesting concept. I wish her interactions with other characters would show more Hana, and less D.VA. Arguably the most fun tank in the game. 7/10, See you in OW2!!

Akande "Doomfist" Ogundimu: 8/10

I used to think he was a very one dimensional villain, but then I started to look more into his voice lines and lore. Another really charming and classy character. His dynamic with Efi is really interesting and I want to see more of it in OW2. He was a real star in the "Masquerade" comic. No comments about him in game though! 8/10, don't disappoint me, writing team.

Echo: 7/10

I really would have preferred getting her creator, Dr. Mina Liao in the game instead, but I understand why they went with her. Her backstory is very.. whatever? I think she is getting way more development in OW2 anyways. I really think they could have done more with her interactions with other heroes, there is so much potential for hilarious interactions. In game though, she probably has my favorite kit. She is super fun and smooth to play. Also props to her voice actor, Jeannie Bolet, such a pro! 7/10, meh in the story atm but very fun in game.

Genji Shimada: 7-/10

The ninja. I have many mixed feelings about him. I like his fandom portrayal way more. I really don't care about the Shimada's backstory, and could someone please explain the magic dragons, please!? Anyways, the difference in his interactions in the Retribution event compared to the Storm Rising event is so hilarious. He seems like a fun guy, but I would have liked more if he was more extravagant and queer. In game.. eugh. 7-/10, at least the fan art of you is very cute!

Hanzo Shimada: 5/10

Please get another personality that isn't broody and depressed. To me, Hanzo is such a nothing character, his relationship with Genji aside, there really isn't anything to him. As to quote a popular tumblr post "Fanart of him fucking McCree isn't lore." His design is nice to look at, but he really is just the broody samurai stereotype. If he even appears in OW2, I hope they make him interesting. Also as a Widowmaker main, not a big fan of him in the game. 5/10.. but seriously, what's with the glowy magic dragons???

[seokwoosmole]

F4 Thailand Thoughts Ep. 5 [Pt. 3 & 4]

Okay, now about Hana. I have so many thoughts about her and everything that happened with her subplot. First of all, I'm not justifying the things she did, but I understand how she got to where she is. To be bullied and made to feel so terrible about yourself at that young an age is very traumatizing and damaging to your well-being, especially if it came from someone you cared about or admired. And while Thyme was in the wrong for treating her that way, he was also a child at the time (one who wasn't raised to treat people with compassion). I'm not saying that he shouldn't take responsibility for his wrongdoings because in all honesty, what he did to Hana when he was a child is on par with his treatment of other people as an adult, so it can't all be blamed on his young age, but a child at that age can't possibly comprehend that his behavior towards others would come back to bite him so harshly in the future. And it's very clear that Hana is not just angry or obsessed, she clearly has major insecurity issues that worsened her mental health after going through that incident as a kid. So this really isn't a matter of "oh she's a terrible person", but more "someone did something terrible to her and how she decided to cope made her a terrible person". Which is why I found her character so interesting to watch because she's a great example of what happens when a victim unleashes their anger tenfold as a result of the harm done to them. That being said, she's so pitiful, but she doesn't garner too much sympathy from me. The one who hurt her was Thyme. And like Thyme said, she should hate him, but her feelings are twisted with an obsessive love for him, so the end result is taking the anger she should have for Thyme out on Gorya because she has something Hana never had, which is Thyme's love. And that is what erases the sympathy I might have for her. If someone hurts you, it makes sense to want to hurt them back, but dragging an innocent person into it, especially one that has treated you kindly and gone through hard times for you, is especially wrong and cruel. Yeah and also, Thyme was (and still is in a lot of ways) a bully and it was not right of him to call Hana ugly, but that still doesn't make roofying his drink, taking him to a hotel against his will, trying to kiss him while unconscious, and doing things on his phone pretending to be him or anything else she did okay. Second of all, I'm extremely impressed with the development of Thyme's character during the Hana scene. Especially when he said that Hana should hate him for what he did, he really acknowledged that what he did was terrible. For someone who has a long track record of bad behavior that he doesn't take accountability for, this said a lot. And then when Hana threatened to harm herself, he was genuinely concerned. Not because he feared for his reputation or the consequences he might face, but he seemed sincerely sorry and scared that he had harmed someone so badly that they'd resort to these kind of drastic actions. And he ultimately grabbed the shard from her, hurting himself instead of her, and said "I'm sorry. But the person you should love the most is yourself." What?? I'm sorry, Daoming Si or Gu Jun Pyo would never. The way Hana has treated the girl he loves so terribly and admitted to going so far out of this obsessive love and hatred for him, yet Thyme still shows her compassion in this moment? In this scene, he said that he understands Hana in terms of what its like to dislike and love someone, but I feel like he empathizes with her on more than that. He knows how a bad childhood can lead you to become a bad person later in life, and that you'll probably regret impulsive decisions made out of anger or being hurt, so he stops Hana from doing so. And even though his immediate thought was to go after Gorya, he still told the server coming into the room to tend to Hana before he left.

Thirdly, even though Hana admitted to sabotaging Gorya, Thyme still doesn't know the whole story behind the pictures he saw her in, but after realizing that his misplaced anger

was a shield for his admiration for her, he made the decision to believe her – to blindly trust with the only reassurance being his love for her.

[hamliet]

Hi Hamliet, hope you are well. This is maybe a sensitive question, and I'm really sorry if it's too much of a heavy subject! But I've been thinking about Endeavor's redemption arc. As a survivor myself, I obviously have very strong feelings of anger and disgust towards his actions, and these recent chapters have been extremely hard to process (the one with Tenko's backstory was worse though, it was a real punch in the gut. I cried. Boy did I cry.) At the same time, I feel a weird sense of

wish fulfillment. Finally, the abuser is trying to be better. The abuser is putting his family first. The abuser is apologizing. It’s something that will never happen for most victims, so in a way it’s nice to read about. I want Endeavor to succeed in becoming a better person, maybe because I know my own abuser never will. Even though as a survivor I feel like I ”should” hate his arc, I don’t. I think it’s a way for a child to get their own wish fulfilled through this media. What do you think?

I think that you are valid and have no reason to be sorry. There is no one right way for an abuse survivor to feel, nothing you “should” feel or do in response. Anyone who shames you for feeling that way, survivor or not, needs to be quiet.

It’s part of what I mean when I’ve talked in the past about competing needs--some people will find this kind of story healing, and some will not, and that’s okay. On the Enji front and on the Dabi front, that’s okay. We need to have room for all these stories, though I’m aware certain stories are also privileged over others and shouldn’t be. But survivors, like every group, are not a monolith, and can want contrasting things that are equally helpful for them.

I’ve briefly alluded to BNHA reading like exactly what you say: wish fulfillment on behalf of a survivor who really wants to imagine their abuser becoming better. And that’s not wrong. It’s really not, and I’m cautiously hopeful it’ll be a decently good redemption arc: done for the sake of his family, who don’t want him to die. I love many of the people who abused me and believe they loved me. It’s just complicated and can’t necessarily be understood with logic.

If it comforts you personally, I’ll give a personal prediction: I get people wanting Enji to die, really I do, or to at least separate himself permanently from his family, but I sincerely doubt that is going to happen. (Though I understand why people think this and this is just my personal prediction.) I also sincerely doubt Touya will die. The Todoroki family is aiming for reconciliation, whether they’re “arrived” in the end or just working towards it (either works narratively). I don’t personally love it, but I do not believe Enji’s dream about his family without him is going to be the ending, but instead be something he has to be willing to let happen to have a chance of sitting at a table with them again. And I get why that has appeal to people, I really do. I think Horikoshi is writing it this way.

I’m not going to speculate about why or how, but as long as things are not swept under the rug (I don’t think they will be), I don’t think it’s an inherently “harmful” story to tell--it might not be healing for everyone, for sure it won’t be, but it might be healing for you, and that’s good. People who want to critique it are allowed to do so, and people who draw strength from it are allowed to do so, and no one has the right to tell another person that they should not feel as they do or that they can’t sit at the table with other survivors or fans of the story or whatnot.

(What I do take issue with is people being intellectually dishonest about where the story is going, like the people who say Touya or Tenko were the bad seeds and deserved it, or that Hana deserved it, or Shouto, etc. No one has to like it, but to accuse people of horrific things like “excusing murder” is bullying and just dishonest. You don’t have to have a degree in anything other than human decency to realize anyone who disagrees with you is not necessarily a blight on society)

[la-carcassa-famiglia]

Who are the female characters you like the most in khr? From most liked to least liked, you don’t have to name every female character ofc lol

I can’t be normal and not list out my reasoning for all of this so LET’S GOOOOO

It’s super easy for me to love any character ever, so there’s none that I really dislike (except for one in this case)

1. Chrome

I love her so much, she’s one of my absolute favorite characters in the series. It was on sight when I first watched the show as a kid. I really like her design, and how she’s really soft spoken but not exactly a sweet or kind person. There’s a hint of mischief there shown in the series’ side content, and I really love that about her. Obviously I hate the way she was mistreated for gross tropes.

2. Haru

The more I think about Haru, the more I love the version of her from the beginning of the series. She’s just such a funny and cute character. She’s super artsy, does gymnastics, goes to a prestigious middle school, and was fucking ready to hide a body. Haru is genuinely so talented—I wish we saw more of that instead of her personality getting watered down.

3. Adelheid

Adel is cool as hell and we should have gotten to see more of her being an absolute powerhouse instead of such an easy defeat by Hibari. I love the big sister energy she has going on for her family, it’s really sweet. I also just find her design really pretty, NOT the aspects with the gross sexualization happening though.

4. Aria

Ok Aria’s design is so fucking pretty and she’s also just cool as hell. It was really cute when she spent time with the girls and bullied Tsuna in the anime only arc. She really did not have to die in present day before the rep arc, even with the short lifespan thing. I would have loved to see more of her in the series.

5. M.M.

This might be a surprising one because a lot of people seem to hate her (which I get if you’re purely going off canon—I just think she’s a victim of bad writing) but I love MM. If Amano hadn’t pitched her at Chrome for the unnecessary catfight drama, she could have been a really fun character. She’s just a mean girl who likes money and fights with fucking clarinet nun-chunks. We don’t really have anyone else who would just sass people and do whatever the fuck she wants. Go queen go. Also the Mukuro crush offers nothing to her development. It would have been better if that was taken out and she just bullies him and makes him pay her.

6. I-Pin

She should not have gotten a racist design. She makes the list though, because I really enjoy researching for her to apply my own headcanons. She’s also just a sweet kid and I loved the scene where it’s acknowledged how much she loves her family.

7. Kyoko

I am fond of Kyoko as a simple character who’s just a sweet person. It’s part of her charm. We can all agree she shouldn’t have gotten the enforced gender role treatment.

In no particular order because I like them but I don’t have as much to say about them

Uni, Hana (love her friendship with Kyoko), Bluebell, Lal Mirch, Bianchi, Shitt P.

-∞. Iris

Objectively she’s one of the worst characters in the show