#haha please hire me

[gal-o-guacamole]

announcement // the requisition

sketch bonus:

Reference: La Anunciación by Fabian Chairez (2023)

[sunnys-side-upside-down]

Blorbo's Eepiest Soldier

Thank you everyone for your kind words, I'm doing better and am back to it <3

[e-adlirez]

Spoilers for Sinsmas/Sinsmas ramble

So I had Sinsmas paused on my browser to do life stuff as usual, I Will Be Okay was in my head, and I walked back to my computer after life stuff and realized the frame I had it paused on was

D

Do you see what I'm seeing

Their positions aren't just similar, they're reversed. In "I Will Be Okay", Via is on the floor and Stolas's shadow is standing up, looking down on her and reaching a hand to her from above, which she swats away. At the end of Sinsmas, Stolas is kneeling on the floor, with Via looking down at him from above, and her hand resting on Stolas's, which she pulls away from.

AND THE PARALLELS AND REVERSALS DON'T END THERE

From what I could see, it seems like there's only one instance where the parallel doesn't totally apply.

This.

Merry Sinsmas, Helluva Boss fandom :D

:'D

[sysig]

Coming in to play! (Patreon)

[sketching-shark]

If you were put in charge of making a JTTW movie/TV adaption from start to finish what direction would you have the show go?

*SHAKING AND FROTHING AT THE MOUTH FROM THE THOUGHT OF BEING IN CHARGE OF MY OWN ULTRAVIOLENT BODY HORROR-ESQUE JTTW ADAPTATION* Oh I am so normal about this prospect anon.

But in all seriousness I think I would DEFINITELY want it to be a lengthy animated tv adaptation because there's so much rich backstory and plot in the og classic that a movie length doesn't really let you delve into, AND because the wild transformations and different entities seem like they would be best conveyed in the limitless possibilities of animation! Like just imagine how terrifying a havoc in heaven would be where the Monkey King is shown taking FULL advantage of every single one of his abilities (as-you-will cudgel size transformation, tons of monkey clones, transformation from one creature to another, invulnerability, truth-seeing eyes, transformation into a three-headed six-armed towering monstrosity to fight an Erlang Shen who does the same, etc.). In addition, I also do think that the length of time it took for the pilgrims to warm up to each other and for Sun Wukong to go from a practical and ruthless yaoguai warlord to the Buddha Victorious in Strife is an important part of what makes Xiyouji the classic that it is, and this is all something that I think could be well captured in a lengthy animated series.

I know for sure that I'd want to spend a good amount of time on Sun Wukong's transformation from a relatively innocent stone monkey to the most viciously powerful of the yaoguai warlords to a sincere Buddhist, especially since the very understandable fear of death for himself and his loved ones seems to constantly be a driving force behind a lot of his actions. I think seeing the transformation of the monkey from loving and wanting to protect a relatively small group of people (47,000 monkeys & his friends) to extending that active love and compassion to individuals of all sorts, both human and yao, could be a really cool arc for the Monkey King too. This is especially so as it raises the interesting question as to whether compassion and love can end up being destructive if it's only offered to some but not others, and what atonement for past violence might be.

Zhu Bajie and Sha Wujing also present a potentially fascinating case of dealing with disgraced deities who start off by considering their time on Earth and time on the journey a punishment before they eventually come to develop genuine compassion for the mortals they encounter. Stories about a fall from heaven leading to the fallen ones developing greater empathy for those who were once literally below them is my jam, and I think these other two pilgrims could offer a neat way to explore that! Also I want to note that I'm fully on team "Zhu Bajie is constantly complaining that he's hungry and tired first because of his own appetites and then as a way to get the other four self-destructive idiots to stop and take care of the basic necessities of life." For sure I'd also add in that potential hint noted by others that breaking a vase during a banquet had a precedent of being used as a signal to start a coup, thus explaining why Sha Wujing's punishment on Earth was much worse than Zhu Bajie's. And one simply can't do without the indication that it was everyone's favorite Friar Sand who had eaten eight of Tang Sanzang's reincarnations! He may be one of the pilgrim group's straight men, but he also spent centuries as a cannibal <3.

Also yeah hard agree with others that both Zhu Bajie and Sha Wujing start off the pilgrimage pretty terrified of Sun Wukong because they saw him at his violently worst in heaven. As a treat :3

I think I'd also have Ao Lie spend more time outside of his horse not just so that he can be a dragon-ish guy as well as an actual dragon, but also so that we can get more insight into how his transformation from a destructive prince to a humble steed changed him. I think it also would be cool to spend a little more time on the dragon kings and how, for example, it does raise some uncomfortable questions about their whole deal if Ao Lie could commit arson & destroy a pearl and be punished pretty brutally while Ao Guang could run a weather-based protection racket for centuries and get a 12 year old to kill himself and yet they all seem to be cool with that :[

I'd also want to make my adaptation one that deals more with the aftereffects of the absolute bullshit the pilgrims go through. For example, it's pretty rare to find an adaptation out there that gives full weight to the stuff Tang Sanzang went through, and while it is understandable why and can be funny to characterize him as one of the "straight men" of the pilgrim group or as the weepy useless guy who falls off his dragon horse all the time, I've literally never encountered an adaptation that for example has him react at the age of 18 to his mother committing suicide after Xuanzang went through so much to try and help her, or him having to see both of the human companions he started the journey with get eaten alive by yaoguai. I'd want to make Tang Sanzang more of a dynamic character than he is even in Xiyouji itself, and I do think delving into this background--you knowing, showing why exactly he does in fact have good reason to be suspicious and even hateful of yaoguai and perhaps more secretly certain humans (his mother was after all brutalized for years by a bandit chief)--would be good to deal with in showing Tang Sanzang's journey to enlightenment. And for sure I'd want to make Tang Sanzang a little more like the historical Xuanzang in having him both be a master translator and a canny rule-breaker; I think that having the story follow history in that Xuanzang was in fact forbidden from going west in search of Buddhist scriptures but went anyway, for example, would be a good path to follow. Might give him an interesting point of relation and sympathy to SWK as well, in that both of them would be challenging authority to do what they think is right.

I do think that this all could also make for a really interesting point of tension and later comprehension between Tang Sanzang and SWK, where you would have the monk and the monkey on the same journey for very different but in some ways similar reasons (Tang Sanzang wants the scriptures because he sincerely believes that they will save countless souls, SWK wants to finish the journey so that he can go back home and protect his monkeys). Like Tang Sanzang would be starting the journey at age 28 and after going through some pretty intense trauma, but having lived in a monastery for most of his life wouldn't have much of a sense of what dangers the world contains as SWK, even though he is determined to complete the journey no matter the cost to himself. SWK, on the other hand, would be starting the journey after the bitter defeat in heaven and the anguish of 500 years in solitary confinement, and would likely be enraged about everything he lost but would still be operating under the terrible elation that came from his vast violent power. As someone else once put it, it could be a similar dynamic to a late middle-aged triads boss having to watch out for a beginning grad student lmao. So you'd have a lot of tension between SWK and Tang Sanzang's world views, with the former thinking that violence is a perfectly acceptable way to solve problems or get what you want, while the other abhors violence of all sorts, and they'd both have plentiful reasons to criticize the other.

While the film The Monkey King 2 is far from the best JTTW retelling out there (though it is one of my personal favorites lol), it also has this pretty great and rare scene for JTTW retellings that I feel I'd like my own retelling to somewhat emulate. Here, Sun Wukong saves Tang Sanzang and a bunch of little kids from the violent actions of a king, but he's only able to do this because the Monkey King is more powerful than the king and is able to legitimately threaten the king with death if he goes back to his vicious ways. Tang Sanzang does get Sun Wukong to spare the king, but the king then directly calls the monk out on the seeming hypocrisy of his mission. I forget the exact words, but the king's accusations were basically about how Tang Sanzang is a fraud and a liar because for all that he preaches peace and forgiveness he wouldn't be able to make it anywhere, he wouldn't be able to save anyone, he would have in fact been killed long ago if it wasn't for Sun Wukong's power and willingness to violence. And I do think in a lot of ways this is the crux of a lot of interesting questions that Xiyouji brings up even if it never provides one solid answer: that we all want to be relieved of suffering, and yet what do we do in a world where violence is something we both constantly suffer from as well as commonly inflict upon others?

I guess ultimately I'd want this to be a retelling that really focuses on the many forms and roles of violence in the shaping of a society, what the consequences of this violence often is, and what might be done to create a more just and peaceful life for all.

I'd know I'd want to spend a lot of time on SWK getting back home to Mt. Huaguoshan and finding it this burned-out ruin with the vast majority of his family dead or otherwise gone, only to realize that this was done by heaven in retaliation for the war and his havoc in heaven in a true case of mythological M.A.D. I feel like this, as with other scenes, would be a good way to bring up Xiyouji's frequent refrain that "for the strong there's always the stronger," and how the devastation that violence and warfare wrecks on a landscape, even if it seems awesome and justifiable at the time it's being waged, leads to horrific problems that don't go away even after generations and which could very easily be turned against you and your loved ones. I've said before that one of the things that I like about the Monkey King is that he almost always has a very clear reason for doing what he does, and I think this would be a great arc for it to really and painfully hit home that ultimately violence does not exist in a vacuum, and, especially when you care about so many, it ultimately serves to create a world where your own loved ones can easily become the next who will suffer. Yet even here the complexity of the situation doesn't stop, because while SWK is able to vastly improve the lives of his monkeys by doing everything he can to restore Mt. Huaguoshan back to its former fecundity, he also protects them by well killing 1000 human hunters who had been going after them for years. The violence may never stop, but neither do the efforts to make the world a more peaceful place. And as it is, no one can live by the sword alone.

Just some sketchy thoughts anon, but I hope you like what I'm laying out :)

[severefartoholic]

No no officer he wasn't resisting arrest he was just being a tsundere

[alicornpig]

On May 12th last year I received a very special email from Rusty Quill. I got to be part of one of the coolest projects I could ever dream of. And that project was shared with the world a year ago today, August 2nd. I’ve talked a few times about what Trice Forgotten means to me as a queer Asian woman who’s had a lifelong dream of voice acting, and I don’t want to spend too much time getting sappy again. But when I die, if the only voice acting I ever did was Trice, I will die happy. Thank you so much to @zeus-japonicus , the cast, the crew and Rusty Quill for allowing me to tell Anh’s story and I hope that I get to tell more in season 2 💜

[ardate]

sniffs. man. i really want this job :(

[aesrot]

lua have you heard of @mysteryfleshpit? its a cool gore-horror thingy i think youd like :3

I HAVE NOT ??!!!??!!1?/1

IM. THIS IS SO FUCKING COOL HELLO??????? oh im gonna be very silly abt this mmmmmmmmm

oh they should make an audio drama abt this. or a game. or anything ough found footage would work sooooo well with this

EDIT: THERE IS FOUND FOOTAGE ABT THIS ON YOUTUBE GRRR

[bloodystray]

feeling normal

[shwinlsol]

read my tags, lovely followers. I accidentally wrote a funny idea in there instead of here and I'm too lazy to copy it all down 👍 many thanks

anyways who wants to see a funny TF2 band au sometime in the vaguely near future

[alastor-simp]

Alastor x Reader - Sleeping On His Lap

Here is my attempt at a Alastor x reader fanfiction. Took me awhile to kinda get into his character so please don't be mad if Alastor seems a bit off. Enjoy!

Sigh, it was another eventful day at the Happy Hotel, or Hazbin Hotel as it was now called as a certain deer demon decided to change the name. You had spent all day doing certain tasks around the hotel such as helping Charlie create posters for the hotel, clean the rooms with Nifty, break up the brawl between Vaggie and Angel Dust as he had pissed her off one too many times and organize the bar for Husk as he was passed out drunk. You could have refused to do these things, but you enjoyed helping people, so it made it all worth it.

You had started working at the hotel after you had saw Charlie singing on the 666 news about the hotel and redeeming demons, only for her idea to be made a laughing stock upon everyone who watched the broadcast. You actually had mixed feelings about the whole redeeming thing, seeing as you weren't sure if someone like you could be sent to heaven, despite not being a very big criminal during your time when you were alive, but apparently doing a little shoplifting is enough to send you a one way ticket to hell. Charlie's words did inspire you a little bit, so even if you felt that you couldn't be redeemed, others probably had a better chance, so you decided to head to the hotel and ask for a job after the broadcast was cut off from the brawl with Charlie and Katie Killjoy. You were hired in a split second and immediately pulled into a bear hug by Charlie, and then introduced you to the others.

Back to the present, you began to feel extremely exhausted from moving around everywhere, so you headed over to one of the rooms with the long couches so you could take a rest. Heading into one of the rooms, you peeped around and saw that no one was there, which made it better as you really needed some peace and quiet. Heaving a deep sigh, you sat down on the couch, turning and falling back, as you laid your body down, with your head facing the front of the couch. "What a long day", thinking to yourself as your eyes slowly began to close and you were lulled into a deep sleep.

**2 Hours Later**

As you were sleeping, you felt the sensation of someone petting your head, the soothing feeling had awoken you a bit, but you quickly fell back asleep at the warm touch. You could feel that you were holding something in your dreams, and you assumed it was one of the pillows on the couch, so you brought it closer to your face and nuzzled it. "Mm, smells nice ", as the scent from the pillow was making you more relaxed, as it reminded you of a being in the middle of a deep forest. After sleeping for 30 more minutes, you slowly began to open your eyes, and try to make out what was in front of you. Expecting to see a pillow, you saw red stripes in front of you, "Huh?" As you were still trying to make out what was in front of you, a loud voice interrupted your thoughts: "Ah, awake now are we?", said a static voice above you. Eyes opening wide, you looked up from your position and saw Alastor staring down at you with his trademark smile. Slowly, you began to piece together that you were laying on his lap, and nuzzled into his chest as you were sleeping. "AHHHH", jumping up from your position, you rolled off his lap, and your body fell to the ground as you stared at Alastor in shock, as he continued to look at you with his glowing eyes, amused at your reaction. "Um, h-how long was I sleeping on your lap?", you softly asked, as your face was red, but your eyes were showing fear, as you remembered that Alastor did not like to be touch, and you happened to hug him in your sleep. "HAHA, For quite a while, darling. It was a very busy day, I assume?", Alastor said as he placed his arm on the armrest of the couch, and his hand against his cheek, smiling even wider.

Nodding your head, you slowly got up from your position, and started apologizing to Alastor, eyes aiming towards the ground and fingers twiddling together. Alastor raised an eyebrow and wondered why you were apologizing, to which you answered that you had hugged him in your sleep, and that he made it very aware that he did not enjoy physical contact from someone unless he initiated it, feeling extremely bad if you made him uncomfortable. Listening to you, Alastor's smile relaxed to a small grin as he looked at you with gentle eyes. He did admit that he was not use to being touch by others, and was quite surprised from the sleep hug, but he didn't detest it as much coming from you, which boggled his mind completely. It must be due to your kind and innocent nature that made him react different around you, as he was used to more of the common riff raff being terrified of him or trying to battle in a turf war, but how you were with him, made his black heart melt.

Feeling that Alastor was upset as he didn't respond to your apology, you quickly excused yourself and began to head over to the door to leave. A loud SNAP was heard and before you knew it, you had been teleported back on to the couch, this time being seated on Alastors lap. "A-Al, what are you doing?!", your face began to become as red as his hair, while your eyes stared at Alastor in shock. Smiling at you, Alastor moved his hand to your chin and tilted your face up: "There is no need to apologize, darling. If I had been upset about you hugging me, you possibly w̩͉͍̱̍̂̉̊o̫̼̐̎̋͜u͚͌l̳̓d̠͉̗͋̔͞'̼̳̣̼͊̏̾̾t͜͝ ͕̱͐͠ḇ̅e̙͗ ͍͓͔̱͍͛̔͌͘͞a̝̜̘̎́͒ḽ͒í̱̙̈́v̧̌e̠͠ ̢̹̜́́̈̀ͅr̲͇̳̅̽͌i̩͈̒̅ĝ̲̦̎ẖ̛̳̲͙̀͌̽͘ͅt͉̅ ͖̞͍̞́̋͛͛ň͚̫̦́͂̿͟o̱͌w̡̕" he said, as his eyes flashed for a second into radio dials. "However! I am not opposed to be touched by you. So no need to apologize, my dear.", Alastor said as he continued to smile at you widely, but his glowing eyes were looking at you softly, letting you know that he was not angry with you. Feeling shy, you turned your head away from Alastor, muttering a soft okay, as your heart was beating rapidly. "Smile my dear!" Alastor said as he moved his hand from your chin to your cheek, to have you look at him again. Baring through the embarrassing situation, you gave Al a small smile, which pleased him. "You always over do it, darling. While Charlie and I appreciate your efforts at helping the hotel, it does no good to work yourself to the point of fatigue. If you are ever feeling exhausted and need a break, don't be hesitant to come find me, as my radio tower is open to you. Understand, my dear?" said Alastor, as he leaned closer towards you, making you flustered again.

Nodding your head was enough to let Alastor knew you understood as he chuckled, while sliding you off his lap, and as he stood up from the couch. "Now then, we should probably head back to the lobby before the others get worried about our lack of presence.", He said, as he straighten his coat out, while turning towards you, extending his hand out for you to take it. "Yeah we should", as you grabbed his hand, and made your way with him back to the lobby. You were still trying to process what just happened between you and Alastor, but you feel like you both have become much closer then before, and you didn't mind it one bit.

[meow-moment]

i bet if walter white had tumblr hed be like "i am the one who blogs haha"

4 notes

🔮 purple-queen Follow

just got a beautiful ring from the store, can't wait to show it off here!

#my purchases #marie speaks

12 notes

🌶️ capncook

finally scored a new job can i get a hell yeah. back to making stacks dawg

5 notes

🪨 hankschrader4 🔁 flynwyte Follow

🏎️ flynwyte Follow

HELP A DISABLED TEEN'S FATHER AFFORD CANCER TREATMENT!

I didn't want to have to make this post, but deadlines are closing in and I don't have many options left.

My name is Walter White Junior, and my father was recently diagnosed with cancer. He's been battling for a few months now, and he wants us not to worry about him, but he can't keep pulling money out of nowhere. I've done the math, and I've estimated that he needs $12k to afford all the treatment he needs.

Any donations are appreciated! You can donate directly at my website, or donate on p@yp@l, under the username flynwyte.

407/12,000

(do not tag as donation!)

#donation

747 notes

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👨🏾‍💼 gustavo-fring

I am pleased to announce that we have finally hired a new social media intern.

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🐓 los-pollos-hermanos Follow

yo yo yo whaddup chicken lovas!!! were bringin back the 2-for-1 honey mustard wings combo, with that signature taste you cant help but love! get it today, bitches!

🏎️ flynwyte Follow

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🔮 purple-queen Follow

okay, you know what? No. I'm sick of this. Kleptomania is a valid mental disorder, and if i have to explain to you why, then i will.

Read More

#marie speaks #rant

106 notes

🌶️ capncook

bored on the job man its got me thinkin...

#vent post #delete later

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👊 2co Follow

i can't say shit around my grandpa bro. i make a comment about the lakers one time and its 😤🛎️🛎️🛎️😤🛎️🛎️😤😤🛎️🛎️🛎️🛎️🛎️ im fuckin SICK OF IT!!

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🐓 los-pollos-hermanos Follow

i miss her so much man...

#vent post #delete later

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🐓 los-pollos-hermanos Follow

We would like to apologize for our social media intern's mistake. As a token of our apology, we are offering a 10% discount on any chicken order if you mention this post. Have a finger-lickin' day!

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🧪 h31s3nb3rg Follow

I am the one who blogs haha

#heisenposting

1,250 notes

😺 meow-moment

Who said that

[ceramicbird]

everyday. the musescore app continues to be bad

[blackholesandlions]

[impactrueno]

Beetlejuice clearly wasn't interested in Lydia when they met, so when do you think he actually fell for her? Was he so impressed by Lydia defeating him that he developed a little crush?

i think this might be the biggest thing i've been turning around in my head since the sequel dropped. how did bro get to this point. i need to know. you weren't like this where we left off, what happened during that huge time gap????

this is where canon ends and conjecture begins, you just have to theorize and fill in the gaps yourself with whatever makes the most sense to you, which is what i've been trying to do this whole time. so please bear with me here.

i don't know how much i want share or save for my comics because i don't know how much he would actually reveal about this but whatever we ball

edit: ok so i scrolled back up to this after finishing writing this and as it turns out i have no self control and i ended up sharing everything that crossed my mind. craziest stream of consciousness i've ever written down. strap on and keep your limbs inside the ride at all times. whatever. we BALL.

let's review their first encounter from his point of view:

you're hired to scare the deetzes, right? so you do just that. excellently you might add. just when you're about to terrorize their teenage daughter, barbara banishes you and the party is over. what fucking losers right? you get the sense that adam and barbara care about this girl so you make some remark about her and it pisses them off. haha. also whoa where did this place come from? damn adam, who could've guessed he had it in him. you forget about everything else and dance your way to dante's inferno room.

after spending a respectably tasteful evening with those ladies, you're chill now. relaxing under your little sun lamp to work on your tan.

someone walks in looking for adam and barbara. don't they know they're dead?

"are you a ghost too?"

"i'm the ghost with the most, babe."

hold on a sec, who's even—

...well hey. it's the girl.

the girl who can see ghosts, and she's talking to you.

target acquired. this one's your ticket out of this hellhole.

"you look like somebody i can relate to," you tell her. relate how? doesn't matter. you're ensnaring her with your affable demeanor like you always do, make people feel like you're pals with them first and foremost. she seems like a nice girl, so this should be easy. you tell her upfront that you want to get out of there and you need her help to do so.

"i want to get in," she says.

whoa there.

what? she wants to get in? she says that in response to you saying that you wanted out. she really has no idea what it's like on the other side, huh. but shit, that kinda stops you in your tracks a bit. this girl wants to die. this young? that's not right. makes no sense.

"...why?"

she just looks at you and says nothing. jesus. ok maybe it's none of your business so let's back it up. you're losing control of the conversation and you're on a mission here. you figure if she helps you get out, you might as well talk her off that ledge or show her how shitty it is on the other side or somethin'. frankly, you can't afford to care right now. you're not entirely sure why she thinks things would be better on the side you're so desperate to get out of, but alright. doesn't matter, right now you gotta get her to summon you. so you begin your little game of charades.

after she correctly guesses your name and almost says it a third time, she recognizes you as the snake that terrorized her family. god fucking dammit. you're losing her. you're getting impatient. your affable act is over. "nah...i want to talk to barbara," she says and now she's REALLY getting on your nerves because fuck barbara, fuck adam, you're SO CLOSE to getting out and you're not gonna let this go now, go go GO GO SAY IIIIIIITTTTTTT

adam and barbara walk in because of course they do. womp womp

ok well that didn't work, but you're not gonna give up so easily. sooner or later another opportunity will come and soon you will be free.

wait why are they moving the model— where are they taking it—

ooohhhhh. business meeting. get a load of these yuppies, trying to turn winter river into a town-sized Ripley's Believe it or Not. a talking marcel marceau statue? and you thought you were a con man. no wonder the deetz girl wants to die, it's bleak as hell here too. but if you get out...you can fix that. hell, you can fix anything.

these bozos are here to see some ghosts, but the girl says they're not going to show up unless the fleshbags stop making a mockery out of the whole thing and that maybe they can all live happy together in the house. ain't that sweet.

of course no one's taking her seriously. she's a kid, what does she know, right? they'd rather listen to the most obnoxious guy in the room (besides yourself) who has no idea what the fuck he's talking about, but somehow, he's got his hands on the handbook.

the girl panics, then immediately says completely deadpan "wait, what am i even worried about, otho, you can't even change a tire" and you're surprised they didn't hear how hard you cackled at that.

despite all that, they seem to have started a séance with their old wedding clothes. bad news for the maitlands. they're about to be dead-dead. the girl cries for them to stop, and these guys are just sitting there scared shitless. you're hearing everything. you knew a new opportunity would arise, so you wait, because this is the part where people remember how good at your job you are. they always do.

she knows you can help. you're the only one who can help. so here she comes. those wedding clothes give you an idea. plan B is now in motion.

well well well.

look who came crawling back.

she asks for your help, and you're happy to oblige, under one condition of course. after all, you don't do anything for free, and she's the only one who can help you with your problem. how serendipitous.

once again, you lay it on her, straight up. you want out. and a way to do it (thanks adam and barbara for the reminder) is through marriage with a fleshbag. you need to get married. a green card marriage, if you will.

she's immediately disgusted by the idea. you don't take that personally, of course, because it doesn't matter. she's just a kid and it's not a real marriage. she just happens to be unlucky enough to be the only one around who can assist you with this, the poor girl. it's a marriage of convenience—or rather, inconvenience—and you're not planning on sticking around because you will get the hell out of there as soon as you can. so there shouldn't be a problem, right? besides, does she know how many women would kill to be in that position? she gets to brag about it to her friends, what's not to like? it's a totally even deal.

the clock is ticking and the maitlands aren't getting any younger. she agrees to the deal. you win, at last.

she already knows what to do, so you sit there patiently with a shit-eating grin on your face, awaiting the three little B words. gloating.

Beetlejuice........Beetlejuice...........Beetlejuice.

it's showtime.

this is your favorite part. you love a dramatic entrance. you decide to show the deetzes and their greedy friends the circus they so wanted to turn this town into. horrible as you are, you're also pretty damn good at calling out other people's horribleness, and you do love an ironic karmic way of dealing with someone. for example tubby here thinks he can escape, but not before you change his sleek black suit into a tacky white leisure suit. the horror! this is why you're a professional at this.

you effortlessly end the exorcism and the maitlands are saved. a little pruney right now but they'll be fine. everything is taken care of, you have fulfilled your end of the deal like you promised. only one thing left to do.

"shall we?"

there's really no need to make a whole show out of this, but you're a showman first and foremost and as a 𝒥𝓊𝒾𝓁𝓁𝒾𝒶𝓇𝒹 𝒶𝓁𝓊𝓂 you'll be damned if you're not gonna let yourself have a little fun with this. everyone looks terrified. this is why you're a professional at this.

witnesses and reverend in place, you can finally begin the ceremony. you're having fun, yes, but let's try to pick up the pace a bit, okay? the closer you get to your goal, the more impatient you get. the girl isn't finding any of this very funny at all and she protests. the maitlands butt in and are now kind of twisting your arm a bit, but you deal with them harmlessly, until they get on your last nerve so you send adam to the model and barbara to saturn. all of this after you honorably fulfilled your end of the bargain and saved the day. jesus christ, are you the only one with some integrity around here or what.

you forget the stupid ring. shit. you're pretty sure you have it on you somewhere, ever since you chopped up delores into pieces for poisoning you. you kept her ring finger as a trophy and as a reminder to never get married again, and yet here you are, but desperate times call for desperate measures. finally, you find the ring (still on her severed finger) and hastily tell your new bride-to-be that delores meant nothing to you. in case she even cares. she doesn't seem to. not even a chuckle? oh well.

almost done with the ceremony. almost there. you're holding the girl's hand with an iron grip to keep her in place as you're about to put that ring on her finger. "i now pronounce you, man and—"

a tiny car crashes against your foot and it catches on fire. you scream. a fucking sandworm crashes into the room through the ceiling. everyone screams. you scream LOUDER.

you're sent back to the afterlife waiting room.

not your first rodeo with a sandworm, but that doesn't make the experience any less shitty. the real annoying part is being in the waiting room again. this could take ages. you're number 9,998,383,750,000 and they're serving number 3 right now. you trick the guy next to you and steal his ticket (number 4) but he's not too pleased about that, so that didn't work.

a long time sitting here it is, then.

movie ends, credits roll.

for reference, that was 1988. winona ryder was 15 when they were filming in 1987 so while lydia doesn't have a confirmed age, i think we can safely assume that she was the same age as winona at the time.

36 years later, it's 2024. or 34 years later, it's 2022. we don't know the exact year because while bob's in memoriam credits scene says 2024 and all the interviews talk about how 36 years have passed in universe as well, there's this other one tiny detail.

jeremy's death passport says he died on march 11, 1999. jane butterfield says he died "23 years ago," putting the movie in 2022. they did film it in 2022 so the math is mathing correctly there. given that the in memoriam scene was more of a joke and jeremy's passport is a canon prop in the movie, i'd say 2022 is the canon year the movie is set in. (small sidenote; the passport also has the roman numerals DCLXVI which is 666. cute detail i loved it)

in the sequel, beetlejuice says lydia has been ignoring him for 30 years. i always thought that was curious because outside of this claim, they always specify how many years exactly have passed since. he doesn't say 34 or 36, he says 30. and for his degree of obsession (and the fact that he remembers exactly how many times he's watched The Exorcist) i think he would be counting even the days so i think he did really mean 30 years. so this would mean at least 4 years passed between getting sent back to the waiting room and the beginning of his stalking.

AND NOW that we established all that, we are finally getting to the answer to the question, "when and how did this all start?"

so okay, he spent a while in the waiting room. a lot of time to think. probably replaying the events at the deetzes' in his head over and over, how he got here, where he fucked up, what's he gonna do once he gets out. cursing the maitlands for ruining his plan when he was soooo fucking close. wondering what ever happened to lydia deetz.

lydia deetz, the young girl who told him she wanted to die.

...

is she alright?

i don't think he's capable of feeling guilt, but we can probably argue that he's not entirely heartless. what she said about how she wanted to "get in" must've stuck with him from the way he reacted when she dropped that bomb. she never showed up in the waiting room so he knows she didn't follow through with that. still, he used a vulnerable young girl for his own selfish gain. ironically enough, he knows exactly how that feels, because he also got tricked into marriage and got used for someone else's gain. the difference being that he dealt with that shit with an axe.

much much much to think about for mr. juice.

after years of ruminating in that waiting room, he's finally out and back to the regular day to day afterlife. definitely gets chewed out by juno, maybe forced to do community service or labor or what have you, he basically just needs to clean up his act now. this freelancing shit is becoming more trouble than it's worth anyway.

he's still wondering about lydia deetz. should he check in on her? maybe he should, he's too curious now.

at this point, lydia is now about 19-21 and in college. maybe he manages to sneak into the model one time she's back home for the holidays or something. and oh my god would you look at that, what a beautiful young woman she's grown into. she's radiant. she's happy. she's no longer that gloomy suicidal kid he met in the attic. seems like what she said about the deetzes and the maitlands sharing the house did come true after all.

that's nice. very sweet. good to know.

maybe he wonders if she remembers him and tries to get her attention somehow, give her a little scare for old times sake or whatever. for a brief moment it seems like she saw something and her expression changes, but she shrugs it off and continues on chatting with her two sets of parents. no such luck.

oh well. curiosity sated! and beetlejuice goes back home and doesn't return.

until the next time he returns.

and he keeps coming back to check in on her, telling himself he's just making sure that she hasn't killed herself or something. and he's not above admitting that with every year that passes, she keeps getting more beautiful. and to think they almost got married, huh.

he constantly tries to get her to notice him somehow, and sometimes she almost does, but ultimately he never really succeeds beyond making her do a double take. very rarely she does catch a glimpse of him. he's seen her mutter to herself that she's just seeing things and she seems a bit frightened every time this happens, but there's nothing to fear, honey, it's just good ol' beetlejuice. he won't lie, he gets a bit of a rush every time and it makes his dead heart beat faintly. he's gotten this far, he can't just stop now. in his mind, this has become their little private game of cat and mouse, where the mouse ignores the cat. but aren't they cute? he thinks they're cute. this is not creepy at all!

before he realizes, he's already learned everything about her. he knows about richard and even watched their wedding from afar like a loser. he knows she gave birth to a healthy baby girl named astrid. he knows they have a blast on halloween. halloween is lydia's favorite holiday, and his too. sometimes he can't help but see the three of them happy together and think it could've totally been him. even if he and richard are nothing alike (in fact could not be more opposite) and the circumstances of their unholy wedding were nothing short of grim and a farce. but in his mind, he's starting to convince himself otherwise.

maybe it's his jealousy speaking, but lydia doesn't seem to be that happy with richard despite everything. even though richard is like, the perfect guy. then one day his suspicions are proven correct: neither of them knows why it happened, but after having a long and emotional talk (that he watched with a bucket of popcorn) they decide to get a divorce. he pumps his fist, feeling victorious for some reason. sure he's a little sadistic at times, but why is this giving him so much glee?

the divorce is hard on lydia's kid, who was always more attached to her father, but they still spend a lot of time together. sometimes the three of them, since richard and lydia kept things amicable after the divorce. lydia tries to move on and see other people, but each relationship fails before it even starts. mostly because she keeps holding back and so fails to connect with anyone else, but also sometimes because, well, he can't help himself but to scare them away from her from time to time. it's fun. in his mind, he's just being protective of her, as a gentleman should for a lady.

then richard dies. fell into a piranha infested river from the looks of it (he saw him at immigration one day, don't ask what he was doing around there, force of habit after constantly making sure lydia hasn't killed herself yet.) it's devastating for both lydia and astrid, straining their relationship even more for the next few years as they both try to cope with the loss. the shock proves to be too much for lydia, so she goes to a survivors retreat to work through her trauma, both from richard's death and "unresolved feelings."

then lydia, at her most vulnerable, meets rory.

beetlejuice was able to clock him immediately. a textbook manipulative opportunist, he himself knows the tactics very well. swoop in to "help" someone in a vulnerable position, pull the wool over their eyes and begin taking control so you can get what you want out of that person.

he wouldn't admit it, but this really irks beetlejuice. you know when you see someone who reminds you of the worst parts of yourself, so you despise them? yeah. he's been there, and he's also been him.

but rory is somehow even worse than beetlejuice. see, rory is her manager, and boy does he manage to get on his nerves. he takes her phone. he controls what medication she takes. he blames and guilt trips her about every mishap that HE causes, making himself look like her benevolent savior and making her feel like she would be lost without him, confusing her with his psychobabble. on top of all that, he's forcing her to do this hacky show called Ghost House where she "hunts ghosts" or whatever. the houses he's been helping newly-deads with in his day job as a bio-exorcist (now with a fleet of employees,) she's "hunting" those ghosts now. it's so dumb. it never works. beetlejuice doesn't even know what the hell she's doing, she's phoning it in most of the time and she knows she's become a sellout. what happened to that "strange and unusual" girl who stood up for her ghost friends when those suits wanted to profit off of them back in winter river?

he needs to bring that back. he's the only one who can.

in his mind, beetlejuice has already rewritten the events that transpired. in his mind, lydia has been his wife this entire time, it's just, y'know, one of those open long distance relationships and she doesn't always remember him, but that's okay. in his mind, they share a psychic bond that allows her to sense his presence or see him in her dreams from time to time. he's got nothing to be jealous about, because other men can't compare. no one else can match what they have.

sure, part of him knows he's lying to himself a little bit. but he's already clung to this idea; these past 30 years wouldn't make sense otherwise. he's in love with lydia deetz. this isn't insane of him to say at all. and if it is, well, you know what they say, love makes you do batshit crazy things.

it's not that complicated, no matter what they say you'll never meet another me it's not that difficult to get my head around i'll never meet another you

the end

don't trick me into writing a fanfic again