#had to purge myself yesterday

[wikagirl]

yo anyone else having the issue that you're being weirdly fatphobic towards only yourself?

[dead-core]

i purged 🥳

[mins-fins]

★̲ YOU HAVE ONE NEW VOICEMAIL FROM . . . 나재민 !

SEPTEMBER 9, 00:22 AM

HI BABY!! okay um before you purge me and murder my entire family i'm sorry for not calling you yesterday.. it was after the first show and i was exhausted but anyway, how was the concert? did you enjoy it? do you think i did well? do you—[a small shout is heard from behind him] I AM NOT "WHIPPED" SHUT UP! ignore chenle he doesn't know what he's talking about, is it bad that i love my dear partner so much? he's just sad and lonely—AM NOT!— ARE TOO! STOP YELLING AT ME!! you're gonna come tomorrow right? if work doesn't keep you in that is, god i hate your job, and i miss you, i miss you so bad, it's going to be hard to do this when international tour dates start, all we have connecting us is some stupid phone..[another shout is heard from behind him] OKAY FINE! it's too late, we have to wake up early tomorrow, alright bye i love you! sleep well!

NOVEMBER 23, 22:45 PM

haechan totally tried to trip me on stage today, that little shit..anyway, hi baby!! sorry for the like— two calls every week but it's been so hard to find alone time for myself these days, i really like japan though, we should come here sometime for a trip! just me and you, maybe on one of my breaks, if i can even get one. i miss you, having jeno as company is beginning to get boring, i mean, i love jeno obviously but i see him every single day!! i'm literally about to go insane without you here, i'm about to pay for your flight here and make up some excuse to your manager about a family issue or something.. will they even believe that? i don't care, it's been a while since we went anywhere together, just the two of us, also, did i tell you your mom called me? apparently she really liked our performance, she called me to tell me about it!! anyway um, i have no time left, hope you have a good night, i love you!!

NOVEMBER 26, 02:09 AM

jeno snores way too loudly, so no sleep for me, and he also complains so much about everything so now i have to whisper for this, but anyway, i know you're probably asleep as well so it doesn't matter if i send this cause you'll see it in the morning but i don't care! whoops, right, whispering. i can't believe that you can't come to the shows, it's all sooooo boring without you. i always search for you in the audience but then i don't see you and i get upset, you being in the crowd would make everything much better, hopefully you can at find time to get here before the final japanese show this year.. is this corny? i don't think so, i just— i miss you, i say that all the time but i do, a lot. um yeah that's all, i should probably sleep now, i love you!

DECEMBER 2, 21:37 PM

I KNEW YOU HAD SOME STUPID PLAN! i can't believe i didn't even notice you sneaking up on me that was….. i can't start, i'll go on and on forever. how did you even get backstage? did you talk to mark or something? i don't know i guess i'm just— i'm just very surprised, you didn't even tell me anything! i'm not going to lie.. it was such a smart plan, i'm glad you were able to make it, seeing you again was so nice i almost cried having to let go of you, and yeah i tried to contain myself in front of the members but i couldn't, they had to get it though! because when you're partner is right there you can't just stand there and be normal, i did mean to trap you in that hug! god being able to wrap my arms around you again was so nice, you give such good hugs you know? i know you won't be here for long but let's make the most of our time together okay? i'm happy you're here, alright i have to go now, good night, i love you.

DECEMBER 10, 09:30 AM

hi hi!! happy to say that i will be back soon! don't be surprised if i just randomly show up in your house one day, world famous idol na jaemin in your kitchen, making himself some coffee, you might have a heart attack, i hope i don't scare you again, not like that one time after hot sauce promotions ended.. your face was hilarious, i'm sorry for that one baby, i was really just trying to surprise you.. anyway, tour picks back up in february, so we have time to be idiots and go on stupid dates, get chased down by the staff.. okay maybe not that, the last time they almost caught us was funny though. alright um— just wanted to tell you i'll be back soon! i'll make sure to pass by a convenience store and get you ice cream, and yes i'll remember to get cookie dough this time, still not sure what you have against strawberry..alright that's it! i'll see you soon, i love you!!

[ananomsblog]

Yesterday I binged and I’m really mad at myself for it. My bf wanted sushi and I told him okay since it was Valentine’s Day. I ate too much and wanted to go purge but when I told my bf I was gonna use the washroom he didn’t let me. I’d be fooling myself at this point if I said he had no idea I have an ED. He tells me straight up not to starve myself or make myself puke and I will straight up tell him that I eat and I don’t purge. Idk if he believes me but he will still tell me not to because he cares. Anyways I can’t start my 5 day fast today because my healthy meal is gonna go bad and I have to have a bite of the burger I made from the restaurant today so I know what it tastes like.

Im almost through the menu so I don’t have to worry about eating it after this because I know how to recommend certain dishes to certain people.

But tomorrow I start my 5 day fast to make up for my fat ass eating sushi. Anyways here’s my full weight update

Sw: 200

Cw: 174

Gw1: 150

Gw2 : 120

Gw3: 110

Ugw: 100

[shayyprasad]

weighing scale

tw: eating disorder (purging, not eating), bodyshaming, ed shaming

btw, if it's requested, i can turn drabbles into full oneshots!!!!!!!!!!!!!

you guys are beautiful the way you are, and nothing anybody ever says or does will ever change that. remember that gaining weight is totally normal, and you can always lose weight, too, but please, do it in a healthy way. if you ever need anyone to talk to, and this isn't just for eds, i'm here, and you can reach out. if not, there are people who care about you and love you.

you're amazing you beautiful mfs

(also i'm sorry if this might not be correct for you, everyone has different experiences with eds)

(also, also, i did 1st person ... and this is just the way i thought when i was going thru this so i kinda made it relate w/ me??)

100.

98.

96.

she watched as the numbers went down, satisfied despite the fact that it was only one pound less yesterday.

90.

88.

even if it meant that she'd always be cold, or that her hair would fall out. it was a small price to pay to be beautiful. to be skinny. to be like all the other girls that peter liked.

y/n kept telling herself that. and it was enough to keep her going.

{four weeks prior}

(first person)

they had little packets for us to take home, like forms. something along the lines of "annual health check-up." the form was just... well, it wasn't a form, really, but more of an opt-out. the paper said they'd just check weight, height, and some other things, like make sure you didn't have scoliosis.

honestly?

i was just happy to be missing a good chunk of math.

everyone got called down to the gym by period, and mine was 5th period, right before lunch.

our class was waiting for them to call us down, so mr. callen just let us do whatever until then. i glanced over to see liz, kayla, and chloe in the corner of the classroom, giggling and pointing towards some of the boys, and eventually, mr. callen.

he was one of the youngest members on faculty, fresh out of college. and i'll admit, he's not bad looking. in fact, he's hotter than most of the guys. and if it wasn't peter that had my heart, maybe i'd think about someone else.

not that the whole peter thing was going great anyways, he seemed interested in liz. so maybe that was my hint to move on. but i don't know. i've just liked him forever, it'd feel wrong to stop now.

i'm just really loyal, i guess.

or maybe this is some weird first love/crush thing, because no matter what, i keep finding myself coming back to him.

it took me second to realize that i'd been staring at the same spot for a while now, so i probably looked funny. i re-adjusted my position and looked at the clock, noting there there was just a few minutes until we'd have to go down.

i looked by at the girls, then at the teacher. did they not realize that he had an engagement ring on? or where they just dense?

because honestly, i'm having a hard time figuring out which one it is.

liz pushed chloe over to the desk, giggling like a manic.

chloe bit her lip, trying to hold in laughter. "hiiii, cal. you know, like, cupid's day is coming?"

me, personally, i didn't really believe in the whole dumb blonde thing, but chloe was changing my aspect on this.

cupid's day was on valentine's day, and you could pay a dollar to have a rose delivered to someone. normally, the freshmen girls did most of the planning. freshmen girls were annoying. they were always together, and i didn't remember a time i'd seen one alone.

i didn't get any on my first year here. last year i got three. but it didn't really count, because mj got me one and betty did. i was hoping that i'd figure out who the third person was, but three weeks into that investigation, i kinda gave up. if they hadn't revealed themselves to me at that point, i'd figured that they probably wouldn't.

maybe junior year will go better.

if you were popular popular, you got at least seven, so it was kind of embarrasing to only get one. and it was probably even more embarrasing to only have, like, one friend. which was betty. but she hadn't hung around me that often since she started dating ned.

mj was an observer, and i knew that much. it was probably the only reason she got me a rose, because she felt bad. but then again, anyone could see how pathetic it was.

peter and i used to be pretty close, but then he met ned, so the attention he gave me got halved.

i would have tried to be friends with ned, because i know he's really nice, but i stressed out too much about it for some reason and gave up. social anxiety, perhaps? it didn't matter, it was too late to do anything about it now.

after that, peter started hanging around liz and some of the other popular kids, and entirely forgot about me.

did forget about ned, though. maybe beacuse i was a girl, and so peter got called "gay" a lot for that. i didn't have much of a chance compared to liz, so i just admired him from afar. it's not that we didn't talk, because we did sometimes, but... actually, i don't know what.

if peter wanted to, he would have.

and it's fairly obvious, but i'm delusional and chose to ignore that.

the intercom snapped me out of whatever zoning out i'd gone back to, "block d, block d. i-is this on? oh, it is? i- yes, block d down to the gym."

everyone got up and pushed their way out the door, i didn't have that type of energy, so i just waited for everyone to get their butts outta the way and then went myself. i followed them down to the hall, staying behind a little. when i finally got over there, i ended up last, right behind chloe, kayla, then liz.

for the most part, it only took a minute or two for each person, so the line didn't take that long.

well, i suppose that's subjective.

it took 15 minutes, but whatever.

when liz was inside, she didn't take care to close the door all the way, leaving it a couple inches open. that's on her.

that's on her for being irresponsible, so it's not really my fault if i accidently hear. i leaned in a little, suddenly very interested in the wall, with all it's cracks... and... paint, and...

"and step on the scale, please... that is," she paused, and you could hear scribbling of a pen.

"121.3 pounds. perfectly healthy. that's actually the average weight for girls your age," another pause, "make sure to give this form to your parents. have a nice day."

liz said something in return and i stepped back, done admiring the wall. "next!" the lady called in.

i stepped inside the room, and it smelt strongly of hand-sanitizer. "okay, honey, step up against the wall... height is... alrightly. now the scale, please."

i did as she asked, keeping my eyes trained on the numbers.

149.7 pounds. basically 150. that was more than liz's, right?

"149, okay, you're good to go-"

"is that around average weight?" i asked, and it was impulsive, i didn't even think.

"well, it's somewhere around that. you're perfectly healthy."

the intercom came on again, signaling my time was over, and the lady thought the same thing, because she ushered me out.

as i walked back to the classroom, i couldn't help but think;

149? no, 150? around average? so basically, i was above average. 30 pounds heavier than liz? no wonder peter likes liz better.

god, that's disgusting. i'm disgusting.

i trudged back to class, unable to stop thinking about it. and suddenly, an idea popped into my mind; why not lose weight? if i lost a little, maybe peter would care about me again.

that's genius. god, i'm a genius.

yeah. i lose a little weight.

when i got back, he'd already started the lesson, not that i cared. i spent the rest of that class figuring out the kinks, like how many calories i'm allowed to eat per day.

i settled on 800.

it seemed like a decent number if i wanted to actually make an impact with weight loss.

stupid kale smoothies weren't gonna get me anywhere, nor idiotic influencer workout routines.

before i knew it, the bell rung and kids were hustling through the hallways. i was kind of on autopilot as i walked to lunch, not really watching where i was going. i'd by mistake shouldered some people, and they gave me dirty looks. i shot them right back.

i couldn't help but silently, in my mind, judge everyone's body that i saw. and not just their body, but other physical features, too. it was automatic, i didn't even mean to. but i couldn't help it.

she's really fat. the gym exists for a reason.

how is she so skinny? i know she's anorexic.

and it just went on and on.

i didn't know what was going on. why this mattered to me all of a sudden.

it was like i didn't notice these things before, i wasn't looking for them, but now that i knew they were there, i couldn't help it.

i couldn't help a lot of things.

when i walked into the lunchroom, i saw peter sitting by himself, writing on some piece of paper, and if i knew him, he wasn't doing the homework due tomorrow.

he was doing yesterday's.

it didn't seem like i'd be bothering him if i went to go talk to him, so that's what i did. i figured since we hadn't talked in while, it would be great to now.

and it'd be a great distraction, too.

i sat down across from him, "hi, peter."

he looked up slowly, a smile rising on his face. "uh, hey, y/n/n," peter paused, "what, um, what did you need?"

"huh? oh, i didn't need anything. just thought i'd come by and annoy the hell out of you."

"just like old times," peter snorted.

"math homework?"

"yep. i have math-"

"-next period," i realized my mistake after i made it. "um, 'cause i see you when i'm walking to class."

in repsonse, he nodded like he was considering it.

i didn't notice i was hungry until my stomach growled, but something inside of me made the thought of getting food and eating it repulsive. i hesitated before grabbing on of peter's fries and popping it in my mouth. he didn't say anything, or really even care, and i didn't know if i liked that or not.

"okay. you have chem next, yeah?"

i blushed at the fact he knew.

"uh, yep," i snagged some more fries, feeling myself loosen up.

and then i realized, that's what this was; i was just in need of some time with actual people who weren't my parents.

i liked this. i liked talking to peter. it was easy. this was easy.

we laughed about some other things, like flash's new donkey haircut.

and i stole more fries. ned, betty, and mj (who normally sat two seats away) came over. the topic of cupid's day came up.

"how many do you think you'll get?" betty asked.

i looked up, "roses?"

"uh-huh."

ned spoke up, "you won't need to worry, bet, i'll get you a whole bouquet." he looked proud of himself.

"i'm not worried," she giggled, like the lovesick fool she was. it was gross. and yes i admit, it was slightly because i was jealous, but whatever. betty didn't have to act so idiotic and desperate.

betty's skinny, too.

"what about you, y/n?" peter said, locking eyes with me.

"i dunno. i never really get any."

something changed in peter's expression, but as soon as it was there, it was gone.

i took another fry. they were really good, for some reason.

"fattie," peter laughed, pulling his lunch tray back, "and then you complain about not getting roses!"

that caused a round of laughs in the small group, but my heart dropped to my feet.

i was right. i was overweight. even peter noticed.

freaking peter noticed.

god, i was ugly and fat, and even peter saw that.

of course he liked liz. he'd be crazy not to. she was curvy and skinny and petite and pretty and skinny.

she was skinny.

i didn't have her hourglass figure.

never did i ever want out of my own skin more.

"y/n?" pete frowned. "i-i'm sorry, it was a joke, i didn't-"

"no, no, not that. i, uh, i... forgot i was supposed to meet with a teacher. sorry. i have to go."

i didn't go to any teachers.

i did go to the bathroom.

and i hid in the handicapped stall. i didn't cry, or sob, or weep or whatever it was stupid girls did in hallmark movies or stuff.

i stood in front of the mirror and picked out everything i hated, making a mental list in my head.

i didn't finish that list, not even after 30 minutes when the bell rung.

-

the rest of the day flew by rather quickly, it seemed. i felt like i was trapped in a warm haze, but not the fuzzy, happy warmth. i didn't like the way i was thinking. it's like i wanted my brain to turn off, these intruding, ugly thoughts were taking up too much room.

i felt icky.

when i got home, i didn't have my normal after-school snack like i usually did. i went straight upstairs and did homework.

i finished two essays (one that wasn't due until two weeks, and one that was due two days from now), my math homework and studied for my math test, started my science project, and did my french flashcards (and studied them a bit).

i must have been locked in my room for hours, because by the time i got up, it was dark outside.

i wasn't a studious person, and the only reason i did any of this was to forget for a little while. to snap out of it. and for a while, it worked.

"y/n, honey!" my mom screamed from downstairs, and as i glanced at the clock, i realized it was time to have dinner.

but i wasn't hungry.

well, i was.

let me rephrase that; i didn't want to eat.

however, i didn't want my mother yelling at me, so i went down anyways. not that i was planning to eat.

"mom?"

"oh, hey. i already set the table, you seemed like you were working hard and i didn't wanna bother you. dad's working late. go sit down-"

"not hungry."

she frowned. "well, you have to eat something."

"but i'm not hungry," i said, hating how sharply it came out.

my mom gave me warning look. "look, i've had a long day, so don't start with me."

"mommmm," i whined.

"sit."

so i did. i felt bad about bothering her.

i ate. small, tentative bites, forcing it all down. we didn't talk.

silently, i put my dish in the sink, before heading upstairs. the food sat at the bottom of my stomach, like a pile of heavy rocks. i wanted them out.

so i turned on the shower and locked the bathroom door, kneeling in front of the toilet. i pressed my fingers to the back of my throat and kept them there for a second. at first, all i got was bile.

but then i threw up.

-

peter and i started talking more again. i think he got in a fight with liz.

i asked him if they were dating, and he said no.

i think he started hanging out with me again because i got skinny. i know for a fact that i'm skinnier than liz. i weigh less then her now.

the numbers told me that.

but i didn't listen.

i didn't stop, and how could i? when i'd gotten this far?

-

we got in a fight. not the yelling kind, though. well, kind of. i yelled a bit.

i thought he was complimenting me. he said i looked skinny, so i thanked him.

"no... i-" he paused, trying to get his thoughts together, "you look skinny, yes, but not in a good way."

"what? what do you mean? like, there's only a good way," i laughed, slightly nervous.

peter ingnored that. "have you been eating enough, angel?" his voice was soft, but there was worry in it. why was he worried? this is the best i've ever been.

"do you ask liz that, too?"

"i- what?"

"liz is skinny. you don't ask her that."

"that- that is different. y-you haven't been eating, have you? is-"

"god, parker! stop! it's none of your business!" maybe if i hadn't been so flustered, i'd have come up with a better comeback.

-

i was hunched over the toilet, but nothing was coming out. everything hurt.

my head. my stomach.

my throat was scratchy and raw.

i didn't hear the knocking on the door.

i don't really remember peter coming in. i thought i locked it. what was he doing at my house? i couldn't remember.

i wanted to sleep.

i think i was crying. i don't know. i only vaguely remember the hot tears.

i slightly remember him pulling me away from the toilet and into his arms. there were lots of holes in my memory for that day.

he stayed with me, though. one thing i'm sure about is that peter never left my side. i can recall bright lights. tubes. i was laying on something. white walls. white sheets.

what was engraved into my head was peter whispering "i love you" over and over again. in the bathroom. in the car. was it a car? as they hooked me up to cables.

all that mattered, though, was that i was skinny now. just the thought made me feel light and airy.

to think that all it took was a little motivation and a weighing scale.

[blatantlynotokay]

I’ve been on a bit of a mini binge. Trying my best to stop. I had about 200cal of takis tonight and yesterday I ate a 150cal bread roll. I haven’t had bread in months. I was disappointed in myself. Currently purging takis. It hurts so bad. My punishment. Lesson learned

[4n4strigger]

Guys I have not been tracking my kcals cuz I somehow thought that would help?? I've been eating like 1700 a day though I literally just calculated it and omfg what the hell was I thinking! I threw up the last few days but then it just led to more binging and more throwing up so yesterday I was like "I won't let myself purge" to see if that would help and today I binged less but i still binged I must of had had like 2000 today and I've barely burned 1500. I'm frantically pacing my room trying to burn more. I might stay up all night. Like I have to work tomorrow but what else can I do? I've been seeing myself get fatter too. I feel like I should throw up today but I don't wanna end up binging again tomorrow cuz that always happens when I purge I literally can't breath. What the fuck was I thinking

[virtual-garden]

I purged after a binge yesterday. It's the first time in my life i do this. I'm so scared, am I going to spiral down further and make my teeth rot?? Is it the beginning of something even scarier?? I'm so confused and scared, purging is so dangerous I'm so scared I'll do it again now. My partner didn't even notice, I was so quiet and I felt like I couldn't stop... I kept making myself puke and puke and I had a moment of lucidity and I was like "wtf stop" but I could have kept going. What's going on?? I'm so scared...

[troubled-tums]

It’s been a long time since I had a tummy upset, but it happened today. I guess the food I had yesterday was off. I thought the vegetables were on their last legs but still edible, so I stir fried them with noodles…

Then my stomach started cramping this morning when I was out. God, it hurt and worried me for a bit. I wasn’t done grocery shopping and still had a long walk back, but at least it didn’t cramp too badly. I clenched like hell and kept it in, then distracted myself all the way until I was almost home. I didn’t feel so good on the way back. I think I was probably a little dehydrated, and my upset stomach didn’t help. I got back and right away, I ran for the loo. Sure enough, it was diarrhoea. It was bad enough that I just sat there and clutched my tummy, massaging it and rubbing it in an attempt to relieve the ache. I stayed for longer than I usually did, since I still felt a little sick and bloated.

I went and had some tea, since I didn’t feel like eating. My tummy was still uncomfortable and unhappy with me, and about an hour later I needed to go again. It started aching, and it just poured out of me again when I got to the toilet. At least I felt better after that - it was like I’d purged what was upsetting my tummy.

[tinybirdana]

Trying to purge

I've tried to purge before and have done it a couple times but yesterday was the worst ever.

I had a cooking assignment in the school and I binged trying everyone's food and just eating! I couldn't stop then it happened. My stomach hurt so bad and I felt horrible. I could feel fat growing on my body.

So I grabbed the bathroom pass and the bowl of extra food the teacher gave me and threw it in the trash. I ran to the bathroom and once it was empty shoved the back of the fork down my throat.

It hurt so bad. I was gagging and crying but nothing would come out. I was shaking so bad. I still feel sick now. I hate myself.

[themarydragon]

To Chaos, on our Wedding Anniversary

If our love was a story I was writing, it would have ended yesterday.

The symbolism! The heartbreak! It would have been so meaningful to my characters. After so many surgeries, so many close calls, so many near brushes with death, to lose it all to a comparably minor orthopedic procedure? After losing limbs, a problem with anesthesia during a rotator cuff repair would be deliciously ironic.

We're 42. The answer to life, the universe, and everything. We just got settled into our forever home. We just got new windows delivered but we haven't started paying for them yet. We haven't gotten life insurance yet. I would have been financially devastated and then doomed to live out my life in the home that was supposed to have been our forever, our dream. Just like my first hospice client, who lived alone for 60 years in the house that her husband only enjoyed for a few months before a freak accident swept him away. She would have been perfect foreshadowing for the poor characters I tormented.

But it's not a story I'm writing. The universe doesn't care about literary irony, about irony at all. And you woke up. You woke up. I took you home and you woke up this morning and cupped my cheek and wished me happy anniversary for the 16th time.

Relief remains the strongest drug I know.

And maybe Mark is right. The universe is chaos, and sometimes chaos plays favorites. I always choked on that explanation, because that meant you and I were the universe's favorite, once. All of that twisted serendipity that brought us together 18, 19 years ago... that wasn't the warm hand of fate but the cold hand of chaos. For a few glorious months, we were the beneficiaries of the best sort of random chance, the beautiful accident of being in the precise right place at the precise right time and knowing it.

We saw what we had stumbled into and grabbed it and held it and ran with it, and here we are nearly 2 decades later. Sitting in the living room of the guest apartment we set up for my father to use to come visit, because it's where we plan to live when we're too old to traverse the rest of the house and this is great practice for our dreamed-of twilight years. You're watching every horror film you can find to stream, with headphones on to spare me from nightmares, and I'm typing my fears in a little white text box so as to purge them from my soul. Our mundane heaven remains unchallenged.

and maybe this is the kick I needed to finally write our story. The true story. The one that's still going, the one that will end as all stories end (someone has to leave first) but not today. Someday everything will end in chaos, but for now we're still basking in the reward of once being the favorite. For now, I'm enjoying both of us recognizing how lucky we were, we are, to know what we had when we found it. For now, I'm reminding myself that I'm not writing this story... even if I record it, I'm just a character and never the author. For now, I'm remembering to enjoy the ride.

[kickthecan-revolution]

All of a sudden I realized Minnie has a severe high middle part and now I can’t unsee it. It’s trending right now.

Thank you Netflix for putting a season of Top Chef on because it’s just the show I need to be watching right now. I finished Black Bird on Apple TV, wow wow wow - so good, so intense. Now I need an eraser show.

All day today and mostly yesterday was spent trying to keep all the cats safe. Either physically safe or psychologically safe, I wore myself out between going between rooms, managing who was on the deck, walking Minnie around then coming inside with her. There was a moment where I thought “ok everybody is good” and I wanted to nap but couldn’t, too worried about it all.

The same thing happened today to a lesser extent, the gabapentin helped me feel like Minnie was a lot more chilled out but I was still on guard, checking as she snoozed to see if she was breathing, worried I’d given her too much. Then I was in Peach’s room playing with him and decided to open the closet door where all of my prepper stuff is, just to give him a little bit of a change of environment. He loved it of course and then I had this obtrusive thought that there might be a hole somewhere in the closet that led to an opening into the walls of the building and I could never find him again if he crawled in and got stuck. It was completely irrational but I had to fight myself to let him stay in there and play, staying close the whole time. I realized how much room all of this prepper food and all the supplies takes - I keep it in that closet - but quickly told myself “how worth it” it was.

Telling Shirley my intuitive coach about my day this evening, I complained about how tired from running around so much. Then told her about the story of the closet, being so afraid that he would get himself into a place where I couldn’t help him, and he would be hurt and it would be my fault; that I’m constantly worried about either the physical safety or emotional safety of my cats, it’s really why I drugged Minnie today. I just couldn’t deal with her super intense meowing and anxiety. 

She pointed out how controlling it all is, and that what I am pursuing isn’t real safety - even with the prepper stuff - because I don’t know what real safety feels like. At minimum it’s temporary relief. I even get a charge from the process because at least I have a plan of pursuing safety which makes me oddly feel saferas I’m doing it. I feel in control, like I’m in less danger when I’m making a plan or being hyper vigilant or buying rice and beans and paracord.

I continue to be in awe about this whole journey and how it is so much more about purging old shadow behavior that anything else.

[crashtestjeffy]

I am way off-centre today.

I had a horrible nightmare last about my father and I was so angry and so caught in the shitty things he did, that I knocked over a bedside stand and a a little desk by my bed and cut my leg open. And in the process I yelled and swore and fought so much that it woke up my daughter in her room. It was bad. And I am living in the feelings I had in the nightmare still. And in the abuse I endured. It serves me right. I know better than to allow myself to remember while I am awake. To try to make sense of the abuse. To ask "How could you do that?" or even worse "Could I do it?" and sadly the answer is no I couldn't, never.

But that answer doesn't make me feel better. In fact it makes it worse. Because then it makes me confront the fact that something was really fucking wrong with how I was treated and either I didn't deserve it or I was just such a rotten kid I did deserve it. But mostly it makes me confront how fucking sick my father was. And he was....So sick. How else do you hit a toddler with a leather belt or punch a little boy or take a bat to your sleeping teenager. I spent a lot of time as a kid watching for his car and hoping it didn't come home, that he had an accident and I would be spared. Then as I got older I thought as much about killing him. There that is my truth, i was so angry and abused and afraid that killing my father seemed like the only way to escape it. And I let myself think about all this yesterday and paid for it last night. So today I am desperately trying to purge my brain and soul or else this shit will linger for days. And the nightmares will continue. Hey want to know what I am really thinking right now? I am thinking, how does an almost 53 year old man with his own child still live so haunted and frightened of these things? Don't people say as an adult you need to get over these things? And I have tried, and tried, and tried. I no longer hate him, I am still angry though. I hold no more resentments. Contrary to what the 12 Step programs swear is the source of all my problems. I released that part of it. It's the goddamn memories and echos though. They never end. Nobody really reads this shit. I don't even care anymore. But if you did, thanks. I just want to be heard. Even if only by the trees. The universe. Again thanks for reading. So hey if you feel any love for my trainwreck life, buy me lunch. I am exhausted and still hungry.

[simulation-machine]

UPDATE 6: The Great CC Purge of 2024

For the first time, nothing went wrong today. I got all the way through the "Comfort," "Surface" and "Plumbing" categories of Buy CC yesterday after getting rid of the problematic .package, and today is going to be "Decor," which is hands down my biggest category of Buy CC, and the one that's going to take me the longest to get through.

I've made peace with myself that this is going to eat more into my spring break than I wanted. But it's better to do this stuff when my life is slow and full of free time than when I'm in my summer classes and plowing through my internship.

I love my new system of organizing, by the way! Essentially, I'm going to have two sub-folders for CC in my Mods folder, one that is unmerged and "quarantined" until proven to be a mainstay and another that is my verified legit merged files. Also, merged files are going to be as close to the maximum size limit as possible. Some of the merged files I had were less than 1 GB.

Tomorrow I'm going to see part 2 of the new Dune, which I'm pretty excited about. It'll be nice to get out of the house and not be working on this massive project.

Anyway, let my tale of struggle encourage anyone who needs to hear it that having a good organization system in for this game is the best way to use CC in the game.

[autisticempathydaemon]

THIS IS FOR THE MATCH-UPS AND ALSO /NF TO DO, IF YOU DONT WANNA, ITS OKAY! :D

What song are you fixated on at the moment? What lyric or verse, and why? — OOOH definitely Dance with me by Topline Addicts, as for lyrics: You say "come and dance with me", but I'm a bit too shy so I just smile politely (its giving me so much Lasko vibes this part and I love it)

What is your Enneagram type? — 9w1 the peacemaker (k think thats what its called)

Do you love gargantuan Youtube video essays, and if so, which is your favorite and why? — I never heard of them (if they are a person bcs I tried to look them up but no luck, unless if you mean subnautica–?) I'm sorry ;-; /lh

Tell me about your childhood imaginary friend. — Not really an imaginary friend, but I guess I could count my daydreams of myself as a fairy princess when I was a kid? So charming and pretty and powerful as hell, getting the hearts of those fictional character I loved at that time

What is your go-to way to fall asleep? — Always lying on the side, my back facing the wall. I try to sleep on my back but it's not working so far, other than these, I need complete darkness and quiet, bcs I get stiff when I hear a noise

If you had to change your name, what would it be, and why? (In tandem, if you have changed your name, why did you pick that one?) — If there was this name in my country, I would go for Jax or Jaxen, gender neutral and short and has a nice punch to it!

What is your favorite of Redacted’s audios, and why? — Lasko fucking Moore. This guy almost took down the channel, was number one before the purge, keeps breaking stuff even in his apartment, he is just like me fr /hj (Lasko kinnie here) and even lately, I love his development so much, like he will always be my number one (I love other characters too tho!)

What Redacted boy holds no appeal to you, and why? Like, not the one you hate but the one who you don’t get the hype for. (I won’t judge, I promise.) — It's I guess because of how much he is popular? I love Sam, but I sometimes forget how much favorite he is and it always surprised me /lh

Tell me about that one book/movie/tv show you know all the words to. — The Smoke Thieves by Sally Green, I love the dialogues between two characters, which one is kinda always flirty (not in Gavin way, he is like "youre so pretty and your pretty eyes omg") and so chill and happy with the other, who is awkward and doesn't know how to accept compliments and theyre so gay omg

Which Redacted boy are you platonically attracted to? Like- forget dating, which dude do you want to be your best friend? — I dont wanna answer this because that means I have to choose /j./lh (... Huxley... I will smooch his cheeks. As a friend.)

Do you have a go-to thing you ramble about when you’re tired, and if so, what is it? (For example, my boyfriend knows I’m ready to sleep when I start talking about space.) — It depends on the mood while I'm tired, but most of the time, it's my Redacted OCs currently, especially when I'm so tires I can't even type right LMAO

Tell me your go-to gas station and drink combo. — Some chocolate snack bar and milkshake in a bottle

Tell me about your favorite playlist at the moment. — I made it yesterday, but it's all kinds of happy sounding songs and OST without any lyrics and it feels so nice to bop into it

What’s your guilty pleasure media, and why? — Wattpad books,, i wanna get back into reading some, its been years

And whatever else you think tells me about who you are! — I'm libra sign, INFP, I like the nights and sunrises, have many redacted OCs (around 20 of them, i like to play with the kinds of powers and try to mix them and experiment) and I like to text RP! I also currently work on my gaslamp fantasy WIP book(?), I'm undiagnosed neurodivergent (possibly audhd), dyslexic and I also listen to Mr Laveau's Nexus AUDIO RP series (recommending if you like video games sfx and original art) and started listening to DND group The Adventure Zone!

I HOPE YOU HAVE A NICE DAY/NIGHT/ALL THE TIME! :D

Okay, so you know who I’ve always thought should really be into fantasy and DnD? Asher, and since canon hasn’t yet confirmed he loves these things, you can be his introduction!

The combination of your personality types and your being a writer gives me the image of an emotional and emotionally intelligent person, which I think is a good match for Asher who is also pretty emotionally intelligent! I think your vibes would really match, and together you two could be, like, the heart of the Shaw Pack as the Beta and his mate. Also, Asher is some sort of flavor of neurodivergent, and I love making ND4ND pairs, ya know?

Your life together would be so FUN, I’m actually jealous. I think getting Asher into DnD and games would be such a treat, listening to TAZ together, helping him learn rules and the different systems, maybe putting together a campaign with Angel and Davey because Angel would be a fuckin bomb DM, I feel it in my heart. He’d also be such a lovely partner for a writer. I can very clearly imagine Asher laying his head on your lap, having you read what you’ve written that day aloud to him which functions as both a cute bonding activity but also a way for you to spot-check and edit how it reads.

Song:

What would you do if I stole you tonight? (Ahh ahh)/ Why waste time? (Ahh ahh)/ 'Cause the world goes on without us/ It doesn't matter what we do/ All silhouettes with no regrets/ When I'm melting into you/ 'Cause I belong in your arms

One, you said you like happy-sounding songs, and I think this is a great one. I love it’s kind of dreamy, high vibe, you know? Two, this came out around 2012, when Asher would have been a teenager, so I like how nostalgic and romantic this song would be for him.

Runner-ups:

For a writer who loves fantasy, OC’s, and roleplay games, Guy is a sure shoe-in for a runner-up! I think he and Asher have a lot of similarities, but I went with Asher because he struck me as a better match for an introvert. For a Lasko kinnie, I had to choose Aaron as another contender because they’re my favorite Redacted rarepair, and I’ve been meaning to write something for that shop for a while.

note: thank you for your entry, I hope you like it!

Read this post and send me an ask if you’d like a match-up of your own! 💌

[amaiguri]

CalmWriMo 28

The end draweth near.

I wrote a teensy today while waiting for things to load. Nothing exciting, mostly just cleaning up yesterday. In terms of the rest of my life? Very chill. I love my boyfriend. He is very cute and good.

It's not 100% edited so the prose is mid BUT here's a man teleporting salted pasta water directly into his veins (Special thanks to @grimcoordinater for making this happen):

Liquids seemed like a safest spot to start and the closest allegory for blood — surgeons administered sleep and clotting agents in saline syringes. I poured myself some tea with three cubes of sugar and a separate clean glass of salted water. I started with moving the smallest drop of liquid in the air above the water. Displacement didn’t seem to care about how much I moved, so long as I did so infrequently. As such, creating a steady fountain above the cup was just as difficult as dodging attacks. A hollow pain began to grow behind my brow, but there was little issue with this exercise. I drank my tea and the sugar relieved it. It was time. I laid my hand flat like I was rigging Kalliopeia’s fingers and concentrated on the veins in my wrist. As if on cue, Gevyna snuck into the room.

Ge: Oh… you’re practicing, I see…

She perched on the edge of my desk to watch. I carefully fed the water in. The pressure built and my wrist reddened. I waited for some foul consequence — perhaps, the my hand would explode or my blood would burst from my veins. A sharp pain rushed through my joints. Wrist, knuckles, and my elbow and shoulder followed. Then, my vision darkened. I must have dropped to the floor as the rest of my muscles fired incorrectly. While I’d never had a heart attack, the convulsions which afflicted my chest then is exactly what I imagined it to be like. I didn’t register the teeth in my neck as Gevyna seized control of my body and demanded it behave until she’d purged the toxifying salt mixture from it. To be blunt, I felt like I had died. Slowly and with a great deal of agony, she regulated my lungs until I could breathe on my own once more. I wriggled my fingers and blinked as my spots from vision cleared. All my veins and arteries crackled visibly with Bloodmagic. When she panted and sat back, the glow began to fade.

Ge: And now, you owe me another life.

Di: So it would seem.

Her skin was smooth and firm like a polished saddle. But even the bones and spines protruding from her knees and thighs were welcome after death. Her eyes burned with masking disdain... She was frightened because I'd almost died. It was adorable.

Later, he wants to teleport Demon Blood directly into his veins -- to gain their powers. He's gonna have a great time! 💀💀💀