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9worldstales · 3 years ago

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MCU Loki Ep 2 “The Variant” intensive analysis

So, the 2nd “Loki” episode come out and, again, I couldn’t stop myself from talking about it.

Beware about spoilers!

After a brief summary that’s basically made by showing us the most relevant scenes of Episode 1 we’ve the Marvel opening, this time with its usual music… though the Marvel studios logo is still in green and gold.

We start this episode in Oshkosh, Wisconsin, 1985, the year of “Back of the future”, only there’s no Martin or Doc or the DeLorean, but just some sort of medieval fair.

Pity.

Anyway Minutemen get on the place and didn’t care at all about how they’re attracting the general attention with their look. We know why, because they think to reset the timeline before leaving so it’s not like their magical apparition might change something.

They believe they’ve detected the Variant so they enter in a tent thinking they can capture them… only to fall straight in a trap, as the Variant was waiting for them, starting a registration as soon as they are where the Variant wants them to be.

Yeah, the registration was meant to be for the show that should have taken place there but the Minutemen are smart enough to get it’s a trap.

After a recorded message that seem to imply in that tent there was meant to happen some sort of contest or show about saving a princess…

My lords, my ladies, welcome and thank you for joining us, here at the castle. Please, settle into your seats for a great battle is about to commence. The prize? Our princess. Will evil prevail, or are we holding out for a hero?

…the song by Bonnie Tyler “Holding Out For A Hero” starts and, as it does Hunter C-20 gets possessed by the Variant (we can see a hand touching her head, green magic on the tip of its finger, and then Hunter C-20’s eyes take an odd green colouring for a moment, a sign she’s possessed) and starts murdering out her own men in a joint effort with the Loki Variant. However while she fights she suddenly drops unconscious and a figure in a cape, clearly our Variant, stabs with her sword the last minuteman. Then, as usual, the Variant steals from the Minuteman what she needs and, this time, also kidnaps Hunter C-20 before disappearing.

Many have seen in the scene a reference to the Shrek 2 scene in which Shrek and his friends storm the castle in order to stop Fiona from kissing Charming, disguised as Shrek.

Me, I would just want to know if the princess is meant to be Hunter C-20 or this Loki Variant.

We’ll see.

Well, anyway we get the Loki title and them we find ourselves with Loki reading a jet ski magazine when Miss Minute would want him to review what he had learnt instead. She tries to quiz him but, although Loki seems to know the answers, he’s not interested in being quizzed, defining it boring.

His attention focuses on Miss Minute, asking her if she’s a recording or alive. She explains she’s both.

Loki looks around then tries to test it, rolling the magazine and attempting to use it to hit Miss Minute, who jumps around in an effort to avoid his blows. He seems to have fun. If this is idea of venting for the mistreatment he suffered at the hands of the TVA or he’s just being playful that’s up to speculation.

Miss Minute escapes inside the pc, complaining he’s being a jerk.

Mobius joins him and from his dialogue we discover the magazine is actually Mobius’ not Loki’s. The guy gives him a package, telling him they’ve to go and that he has to wear what’s inside it, which is actually a jacket, which Loki wears.

They join the others and Hunter B-15 explains how C-20 and her team disappeared in 1885 and they expect it to be an ambush by a Loki Variant, although they don’t know which kind of Loki Variant it can be. Loki suggests they’re the lesser kind, lesser than him, of course.

Hunter B-15 demands to see the back of his jacket on which we can see the writing Variant. She laughs seeing the writing, mockingly, the way one would when he has managed to put an insulting sign on someone’s back without them realizing.

Loki points out she was very subtle in it and she explains she doesn’t want anyone to forget who he is… which, I guess, means Hunter B-15 found yellow, star shaped badges too subtle or maybe not fitting to everyone they deemed a less human to prune away.

Still Loki asks her back if she means they shouldn’t forger he’s their only hope of capturing a murderer.

B-15, who never believed him to be capable of something, correct him saying they should never forget he’s ‘a cosmic mistake’. In short the writing is there to make him recognizable, to ostracize and to humiliate him. He’s not like them, he’s a Variant.

She’s not doing this because he’s dangerous and they should be wary of him, just because he shouldn’t exist.

Mobius states that this is enough… which hints he’s not enjoying this, but he allowed it to happen and didn’t even warn or prepare Loki about it.

Long story short he’s clearly different from B-15 who relishes in all this (and mind you, this is not a critic to Wunmi Mosaku, who’s awesome in the part, just to her character) but he still doesn’t really take a big stance against it as he stopped it only when it dragged on too long.

Mobius brings them back to business, telling everyone they’re looking for a Loki, a variation of the guy with them. He reminds them they should be familiar with Loki because they had pruned more Loki Variants than any other Variant and they’re all different, in appearances.

As Mobius speak we’re shown some Loki Variations with their numbers. Our Loki is the Variant L1130.

I wanted to check the numbers near the Lokis but it seems there had been a mistake in the handling of the numbers

Jotun Loki appears to have first the number L1247 but in the close up it switches to L6792

Cyclist Loki is L1247 and the hulking one is L6792 while the green dressed one is L8914 and the last one with the big helmet is L7803.

Long story short Jotun Loki has probably 2 wrong numbers pasted on himself as they belong to other variations but all the Lokis’ numbers has in common the letter L at the beginning which I guess, stands for Loki.

The visual makes something interesting, projecting the various variants on Loki, which makes us immediately aware of the differences but also reminds us they’re all still Loki.

What leaves me perplex is how those Variants became so different from the original Loki. I mean, our Loki was caught few minutes after he escaped. Unless those Loki managed to escape to the TVA for a while (which would risk the timeline to reach a red line so it seems unlikely it happened) how did they manage to deviate so much from how they were meant to be in the Sacred Timeline?

I mean cyclist Loki would have needed the time to take part to a race to in that cup!

It’s true that in this episode it will turn out the TVA worries only of deviations that impact the timeline, so maybe the TVA started worrying late in their case but it’s still weird.

Anyway Mobius starts digging into the powers they’ve in common which are shape-shifting, illusion-projection, duplication-casting and Mobius’ favourite, which we don’t get to hear as Loki interrupts Mobius saying he got one of the names of his power wrong, it’s Duplication-casting, not Illusion-projection and explains the differences between the two, finishing with:

“But you already knew that.”

… which they didn’t. In short it’s Loki’s turn to point out they act as if they know him when they don’t know him and his powers as well as they think and that he’s actually of some use.

On a sidenote there’s to wonder which one is Mobius’ Loki’s favourite power and if it’s meant to be relevant. This Variant showed it could posses people, and I wonder if what happened to Selvig at the end of “Thor” is a hint our Loki can as well. Our Loki could travel through the secret paths… in “Thor” he could spell his knives, which we know he can make appear out of nowhere. In deleted scenes we learn he could cause mist to appear. “Thor: Ragnarok” said Loki turned Thor into a frog. I wouldn’t mind if he were to start turn people of the TVA into frogs.

Anyway Mobius accepts his explanation and tells the others they’re gonna break in two teams, one of which will include himself and ‘professor Loki’.

B-15’s words about Loki being a cosmic failure clearly made an impression as one of the minutemen question the idea and Mobius is forced to admit since they can’t find this Loki Variant they need an ‘expert’.

Loki takes his chance to remind everyone that by expert Mobius means him. He’s there because he has a use, an importance, a role and they shouldn’t look down on him.

The scene switches.

Loki and Mobius are walking toward the door that will bring them in Oshkosh, Wisconsin, 1985.

Loki, repeating a pattern seen in “Thor: The Dark World” asks for a weapon…

Loki (Thor: The Dark World): “You could at least furnish me with a weapon. My dagger, something!”

Loki (Loki): “Do I get a weapon?”

…which Mobius refuses to give him. Loki though points out once out of the TVA he’ll have his magic back and asks Mobius if no one is worried he’ll betray them.

Loki: “Well, I'll have my magic back. Is no one concerned about that?”

Mobius: “Of what?”

Loki: “Me betraying you.”

This also is something we saw in “Thor: The Dark World”.

Loki: “You must be truly desperate to come to me for help. What makes you think you can trust me?”

Mobius can’t say Frigga did trust him or that he promises him vengeance in exchange of loyalty so he tries to go for something he knew Loki wanted, a meeting with the Time-Keepers. Considering Renslayer, who’s above Mobius, couldn’t grant Loki that, if I were in Loki I would genuinely doubt Mobius can. He just tries to dangle in front of his eyes something Loki might want to win him over.

Loki pauses as Mobius mentions he could meet the Time-Keepers and asks if that’s what’s on the table. Mobius doesn’t really give him a straight answer, just a ‘Keep that focus’.

I wonder if Loki really wants to meet the three space lizards or he just let Mobius believe so because, by acting that way, he made clear he’s interested.

Oh, now that I look at it behind the helmets of the minutemen there are codes which could be their identification codes or names, since they don’t seem to use names.

B-15 has obviously written B-15 while other minutemen had much longer codes.

The group arrives in 1985 and Loki makes a relevant question:

“Let me ask you this, why don't we just travel back to before the attack, when the Variant first arrives?”

It’s something many viewers have been wondering and it turns out that the answer is:

“Nexus events destabilize the time flow. This branch is still changing and growing, so you gotta show up in real time.”

In short the authors knew this could feel like a dumb plot hole so they made a rule to explain why this couldn’t be done. It’s still not perfert… I mean, what it means to show up in real time? They aren’t in the same time as 1985, when itìs real time for them? But whatever, it’s nice they tried to fix this problem.

Mobius asks Loki if he watched all the explicative videos he was supposed to watch and Loki replied only as many as he could stand because he find that their ‘TVA propaganda is exhausting’.

I’m glad Loki and I see things in the same way. Most of the TVA babbling is propaganda meant to brainwash people’s mind.

A Minuteman then asks Loki what ‘these’ (these being the Time Charges) do.

Loki knows perfectly and gives us the confirmation to the thing I, and many others, suspected in the past episode.

Time Charges…

“Reset charges prune the affected radius of a branched timeline, allowing time to heal all its wounds. Which sounds like a nice way of saying disintegrate everything in its vicinity.”

So yeah, it’s genocide or total destruction of that timeline and all the people in it.

But also yeah, Loki studied all he was supposed to study although he insists he watched only some of the videos. I’m not surprised though, a wizard had to be good at studying things and Loki clearly wanted to know how that world worked so of course he would have watched the video even if he’s downplaying it.

They reach the place in which the TVA fought Loki and discover the Loki Variant kidnapped C-20. It turns out that it’s the first time that Variant kidnapped someone. A minuteman suggests the Variant might have pruned (aka killed but the TVA doesn’t use that word) C-20.

B-15 acts defensively, saying a Loki couldn’t have beaten C-20. She clearly views the Lokis, the whole of them as this time she’s not even saying Variants, as inferior. She should probably remember she got collared by one Loki.

Loki tries to warn her saying she’s underestimating the Variant… which she’s doing as the Variant could have very well ‘pruned’ C-20 had the Variant wanted to.

B-15 isn’t interested in hearing him out as she interrupt him and tells the other to fan out and starts searching for C-20 fast as they’re approaching the red line.

Loki stops them, telling them if they’ll leave the tent they’ll end up killed. B-15 thinks it’s a waste of time but Mobius is willing to hear him out.

Loki launches himself in a long explanation, the gist of it being he thinks there’s a scheme behind the Variant’s actions, that they should be aware of their surrounding, listen more (like he does) and less prone to underestimate him or the ‘lesser Loki’.

Now… he’s not completely wrong, the TVA underestimates him, and they has underestimated the other Loki Variant, which we saw lead to some of their losses.

Loki claims the Variant wants him because they know he’s the stronger Loki and so wants to join forces with him to overthrown and rule the TVA. I’m not sure how the Variant would have known there’s a Loki working with the TVA but let’s assume they do and that Loki’s reasoning could make sense… or could be explained with him trying to paint himself as more important than he is.

But then he goes saying that this isn’t what he wants as he’s now a servant of the Sacred Timeline… which is patently untrue and hard to believe… who can hand them the Variant but what assurances he won’t be disintegrated once the job is done.

And okay, his own is a legitimate worry and a legitimate request.

It’s actually clever to ask for reassurances the TVA won’t dispose of him once the job is done… though it’s not like there’s an actual bargaining ground because, if Loki isn’t cooperative and therefore is useless, the TVA will dispose of him anyway.

It’s not so clever he would try to pass himself for a servant of the timeline when he clearly didn’t play the part well. Of course since he said Asgardians were fundamentally naïve, maybe that’s the kind of people he’s used to deal with… but he has experienced distrust in Asgard in “Thor”, proof his own people isn’t so naïve… and he should have figured out Mobius isn’t either.

And then he presses for urgently meeting the Time-Keepers saying they’re in grave danger… and this jump isn’t smooth.

Mobius knows Loki wants to meet the Time-Keepers, so of course if Loki pushes the issue in this way he’s going to be prone to assume it’s a trick. The speech doesn’t even keep a logical flow because Loki first presented himself as better than the Variant and capable to handle it but reluctant to do so for fear of being erased… but now he’s presenting the Variant as a grave threat that requires them to urgently talk with the Time-Keepers.

So from one side it’s pushing for too much when he hadn’t even shown himself to be useful yet and for another it makes for a weak argument if he’s really as superior as he claims to be.

So… hum… the speech seems to tumble down in an unsatisfactory manner, ‘seems’ being the operative word because, if there’s a goal behind its weak points, then they still have a reason to exist.

I’m actually not quite sure which game Loki is playing with the TVA.

He’s for sure trying to survive but then what else does he want to get? I don’t believe he aims to control the universe but I’m pretty sure he’s not swallowing the TVA propaganda and he doesn’t enjoy to be there.

His timeline was pruned so he can’t go back there. Does he want to save Frigga? Is that what he aims to do? Does he want to go into the timeline after… let’s call it ‘canon Loki’ died so as to replace him?

Prior to it?

I don’t know.

Is he saying all those things for the Loki Variant’s benefit? He hopes the Variant is out there hearing him and his speech would make the Variant interested in joining forces?

I don’t know. We’ll see.

Anyway as expected Mobius figures it’s a trick and, since there’s no more time to do anything else, they just reset the timeline and leave.

On another note I like how Loki uses an Asgardian way to say. Way too often in movies even aliens feel compelled to use English ways to say instead than way to say from the world they belong to.

We also see how a time charge works. Loki hurries to move away as soon as he sees them starting it.

They… do something with the top part of it, I’m not sure if they push a button or pulled some sort of safety pin. We see something yellowish being released in the fluid inside the time charge which then turns purplish. The purple colour expands to the whole glass of the time charge until from below it something like a coloured expanding pool comes out. Everything that gets touched by that pool ends up being disintegrated.

At the TVA the monitors show that the ‘reset’ (read ‘disintegration’) of the timeline is done and that C-20 ended up MIA.

A music that’s half sad half… disquieting, start being played and we move into Renslayer’s office.

Mobius is complimenting for her office, pointing out how there’s a new snow globe in it and how he doesn’t remember bringing it to her.

She replies he’s not the only analyst working for her, which seems to imply analysts working for her are meant to bring her souvenirs from their missions. Or better… not quite. Mobius asks her why she gets to keep all the trophies from his cases, which seems to imply they weren’t given willingly.

Still, he tries to get her to admit he’s her favourite analyst.

I’m not really sure what’s going on between these two. They don’t seem to be in a relationship and I’m not sure if Mobius’ attempts at flattering her are because he’d like to be in a relationship with her but doesn’t dare to push the issue or because he’s currying her favours.

We’ll see.

Renslayer moves the discussion to the mission Mobius just botched and I don’t know if I would define it as such. Okay, so they didn’t find C-20 nor the other Loki Variant but chances here are two:

- the Loki Variant was out there using C-20 as bait as Loki said, setting a trap for them, and they successfully avoided it

- the Loki Variant wasn’t out there and so wasn’t C-20 and therefore was nothing for them to find.

Either way the mission wasn’t botched as they came back and successfully disintegrated… pardon, the TVA doesn’t like that word, they prefer ‘purged’ the branched timeline and any living being inside it.

Renslayer, referring to Loki as just ‘this Variant’ complains he’s insubordinate, stubborn and unpredictable like Mobius.

Honestly I think the whole series is trying to draw parallels between Loki and Mobius, where Mobius is however the one who chose to submit to the system where Loki just can’t stand it and wants to break it down.

So, although Mobius should be ‘all lawful’ we can see there’s a bit of ‘chaotic’ inside him.

It’s probably worth to remember that ‘lawful’ and ‘chaotic’ are nothing else but the two opposite extreme on the Ethical axis used for RPG alignment where Lawful represents obedience to the law and Chaotic leans toward personal freedom, without regards to the law.

There’s another sign Mobius isn’t fully lawful, the fact he has the bad habit to leave the glass rest on Renslayer’s furniture, leaving rings, and then insisting he’s not who caused them as they were already there… when Renslayer points out they’re all there due to him.

I know a part of the fandom loves Mobius but I wonder if he’s in the story not only to interact with Loki but also to work in contraposition to him. There are two paths for him, either he chooses the same path as Loki or the opposite. We’ll see.

Mobius tries to blame the ring on Renslayer’s other favourite analyst. I wonder if such person exists and is meant to have a relevance in the story. It’ll be interesting if it’s the other Loki Variant in disguise.

I mean… the other Loki Variant knows plenty of things about the TVA which hints at how they should have a previous and prolonged contact with them because the TVA explains nearly nothing about how their things work to their captives but the other Loki Variant knows what Reset charges are and how they work or how to use a TemPad to open Timedoors.

Yet Mobius doesn’t seem to have info on when they captured that Variant, carried it to the TVA and then let them escape, so again, how did the Variant learnt so much about the TVA?

From another escaping Variant?

Hard to say?

Did they saw the TVA and tailed them till the TVA unnoticed?

I can’t really tell, we’ll see.

Anyway, back to their conversation, Renslayer points out the issue isn’t Mobius’ methods with Loki, but the fact he towed a dangerous Variant into the field… meaning they consider Loki dangerous.

Mobius claims that from that they had learnt ‘the Variant’ likes to stall for time, so the other Variant might end up doing the same, because, to Mobius, understanding one Loki leads to understand the other.

And I’m:

- actually you didn’t need to bring Loki to the field to learn this, didn’t you notice that’s what he did in other circumstances?

- if the two Lokis are different, no, understanding one doesn’t mean understand the other. I mean you had a Loki who was fine living as a Jotun while this one was traumatized by the idea he was a Jotun, Loki can be pretty different about them, enough to be complete opposite so no, nobody said they’ll surely share that particular trait.

Whatever, let’s go on.

Renslayer says Mobius has a soft spot for broken things (which Mobius denies because he’s a bit like Loki and doesn’t want to show weakness), which acknowledges this Loki is broken… but gains him no sympathy from Renslayer as she said that ‘Loki is an evil, lying scourge’. Because he attacked New York? Nope, just because this is the part he plays on the sacred timeline and he can change only if the Time-Keepers decree so, not because he wants to.

Renslayer is big on the predeterminism when it’s about Loki (who’s a Variant by the way and therefore already out of the Sacred Timeline) but why doesn’t she apply it to the TVA as well? They’ll take the Variant only if the Time-Keepers will so.

I think the TVA’s faith in the Time-Keepers has plenty of weak points and is hypocritical. I wonder if the show will explore this.

Mobius switches topic asking how the Time-Keepers are and it turns out he NEVER met them. So he basically can’t even be sure they exist or not, yet he’s pouring all his faith in those three space lizard.

Mobius seems kind of glad he hadn’t met them, which seems to hit they’re either dangerous to meet or he doesn’t have a good opinion of them.

Renslayer says:

“The Time-Keepers are monitoring every aspect of this case. I've never seen them so involved. They want that Variant caught.”

…which seems a way to put Mobius under pressure but really, if they decide the flow of time, shouldn’t the decide if Mobius will catch the Variant or not? They can decide if a Variant Loki can change or not but they can’t control the other?

Anyway Mobius signs the event report Renslayer already signed. We can see Renslayer signs R Slayer while Mobius signs M. M. M.

Mobius notices the pen he used for signing has the writing ‘Franklyn D. Roosvelt High School’ on it and complains that pen too should be from the other analyst Renslayer favoured. And I wonder again, who they are? They’re meant to be relevant? Or they’re only a plot device to make Mobius jealous?

Renslayer only tells him to stay focused. As he’s about to leave though, she stops him asking him if he believes in that Variant. Mobius doesn’t confirm this, saying Loki believes in himself enough for the both of them, complaining Loki is really arrogant and that he will delete him himself if this doesn’t work.

Of course these might be just words he tells to Renslayer but we saw him taking part to erasing timelines and even if he showed sympathy and kindness to the French boy he met in the cathedral in the very first episode, he let him be reset.

“Don't worry, that devil's afraid of us. We're gonna take care of him. And we're gonna put you back where you belong.”

This apparently kind sentence meant they disintegrate him and his timeline so the place the boy belong is basically oblivion.

But I’ll dig on Mobius and Loki in a moment.

For now let me pause a moment on the pen, another gift of Renslayer’s mysterious over analyst, with written on it ‘Franklyn D. Roosvelt High School’.

Franklyn D. Roosvelt, ex-president of the united state is also relevant for the MCU.

In 1940 Roosevelt ordered the formation of the Strategic Scientific Reserve (SSR) to fight the Nazi Party, even though the United States was still at peace with Germany. To ensure that only the greatest scientists work for the SSR, Roosevelt ordered Chester Phillips to recruit Howard Stark into the agency. SSR works in the creation of the Super Soldier Sierum, which ‘gives birth’ to Captain America then it is the re-tasked to fight Hydra. Later it will become part of S.H.I.E.L.D.

So yeah, maybe it’s a coincidence but it’s interesting.

Back to the story.

Mobius leaves Renslayer and we discover Loki has been left outside Renslayer’s office to wait.

Mobius whistles and also motions to Loki to follow him.

Some has compared this with how one would act to a dog. It’s possible they’re not so off track.

The TVA is a world that discriminates Variants and find them worth only being erased. They shouldn’t exist, they’re cosmic jokes, no one should forget someone is a Variant.

Mobius too in his discussion with Renslayer referred to Loki as just “the Variant”. Yet Mobius also feels some sympathy for Loki. Renslayer says he has a soft spot for broken things, if can mean she acknowledges Loki was broken by his experience… but she might also refer to the mere fact he’s a Variant and Variants, in a way, can be seen as ‘broken’ as they didn’t function properly but followed their own path instead than the one the Time-Keepers traced for them.

So the idea Mobius sees Loki as some sort of pet can be fitting. Mobius is growing fond of Loki… but he’s still imbued in all the TVA’s beliefs and teachings about predeterminism and how Variants are bad.

He doesn’t want to be needlessly mean to Loki, but the latter isn’t equal to him, he’s a tool, as everyone reminds him and as he has to remind to everyone else.

Variants has no rights in the TVA, they just exist to be pruned, reset, or, in less pretty but more realistic words, disintegrated.

And Mobius is a guy in the middle.

While he doesn’t want to be a jerk to Variants… or to people in the Sacred Timeline who’re going to die, he’s not really willing to fully fight against the system because he has faith in the system and a side of him he thinks Loki should just accept his place.

We see it in their discussion.

Loki is somewhat nervous… which, I’ll be honest, feels a little weird to me because he’s being openly nervous when usually Loki can keep controlled and hide this sort of things.

He had played a high risk bet during the mission and lost, he had time to think at what to say to Mobius while Mobius was discussing with Renslayer yet what he comes up isn’t really worth of someone who’s supposed to have a silver-tongue.

Okay, so it’s not like we were shown him using his silver-tongue in the movies, as people tended to do the opposite of what Loki asked them or not listen him at all, with the exception of Malekith and the Grandmaster… but we don’t get to see how Loki won the Grandmaster over.

Whatever, maybe there’s a reason, maybe not, we’ll see.

When facing the Variant later, Loki will say he kept the TVA vulnerable at the Renaissance Fair for some time and also that he has been working on gaining their trust. Presenting himself as openly insecure to Mobius, instead than hiding it as he would usually do, might be part of winning him over. As I said in the past commentary for ep 1, sometimes there are more benefits in being honest than in lying, so it can be that it’s not that Loki isn’t nervous, it can be he sees more benefits in showing it to Mobius.

We’ll see.

Mobius is in a bad mood. Although it didn’t seem Renslayer had given him a earful for his failure, it can be his failure burns. He tells Loki to show up, reminding him in the elevator he said he didn’t like to talk… which is something else that makes me think Loki is trying to give Mobius EXACTLY what Mobius asked for, so as to fulfil his expectations and lower his guard.

The following conversation is relevant.

Mobius: Okay. Just shut up! Please. What happened to the guy I met on the elevator? Who didn't like to talk. Remember him? Now I'm stuck with this guy who won't stop yacking away about what makes a Loki tick!

Loki: What? Isn't that precisely why I'm here?

Mobius: No. I don't care what makes you tick. You're here to help me catch the superior version of yourself. That's it!

Only Mobius in the previous episode told him he wanted exactly this from him.

Mobius: I'm serious. All I seek is a deeper understanding of the fearsome God of Mischief. What makes Loki tick?

This is the problem of an unequal partnership like their own. Loki isn’t there because he’s Mobius’ partner and equal, Loki is there to serve a purpose, capturing the other Loki. Renslayer might be right and Mobius might have a soft spot with him, but in the end Mobius ends up reminding Loki his place in the TVA, he’s there to be useful.

Loki takes offence by Mobius calling the other Variant “superior”.

Mobius gives us a slice of his mind… and Loki calls him out on his attempt of manipulation.

Mobius: See? There it is. Right there. I believed, stupidly, that insecure need for validation would motivate you to find the killer. Not 'cause you care about the TVA mission or bein' a hero, but because you know this Variant is better than you and you can't take it.

Loki: Very nice. I mean, it is adorable that you think you could possibly manipulate me. I'm ten steps ahead of you. I've been playing a game of my own all along.

But there’s something else worth pointing out. Mobius clearly believes working for the TVA equates at being a hero… and also that Loki would be so prideful he would serve the TVA merely to show them he’s better than the other without caring of how the TVA then might dispose of him.

And again Loki shows his cards way too openly so Mobius calls him out.

Mobius: What, charm your way in front of the Time-Keepers, hustle them, and seize control of the TVA? Am I getting warm? A double cross by history's most reliable liar.

Is really this what Loki aims at? This is what he’s telling around but is really this? Maybe but it seems so obvious, even Mobius could guess it in 5 minutes so… I don’t know, it seems too predictable for someone who’s supposedly smart.

The discussion goes on. Loki has figured since Mobius didn’t have him erased after that failure he is sticking his neck out for him so he asks him why.

Mobius: I'll give you two options, and you can believe whichever one you want. A, because I see a scared little boy, shivering in the cold. And you kinda feel bad for that ice runt. Or B, I just wanna catch this guy, and I'll tell you whatever I need to tell you.

I think both options are true, although usually, when proposing two options, the implication is the speaker is telling us to chose the last one… and it makes sense because this is the main motive Mobius is helping Loki. He could do nothing for him if it wasn’t because Loki could be useful… but this doesn’t men Mobius has no sympathy for him.

On another note it’s the second time the scripts hints at Loki as being young

Loki: I was young (in 1971), and I lost a bet to Thor. Where was the TVA when I was meddling with these affairs of men?

I really wonder if the idea is that Loki is young for Asgard standards.

Anyway Loki points out he doesn’t need Mobius’ sympathy, at which Mobius replies that’s good because he’s running out of it.

And again in itself there’s a problem. Mobius probably sees himself as a good person, because the fact he’s using Loki also means he’s sparing Loki from being pruned but, of course, if he has no use for Loki, this wouldn’t save him any longer.

If sympathy is tied to personal convenience, it’s not really sympathy.

As soon as they caught this Loki Mobius ran there to get him for himself because he thought it would be useful. He could have grown fond and it’s fine because it happens… but the key is still Loki has to be useful to him in order to be kept. So he’s not a really selfless act.

That’s why Mobius is no hero, who selflessly sacrifice for Loki, because he hopes in personal gain and… and it’s absolutely human. Mobius might have studied Loki but he basically just met him. Mobius has his own life. Why should he sacrifice it for Loki?

He’s planning for their allegiance to offer mutual benefits, Loki helps Mobius to wipe another Loki out of existence and Loki gets to live a little longer even though, being a Variant, Loki should have been already disposed of.

Mobius probably feels very kind and the other at the TVA would probably agree with him, because he’s giving a chance to someone who is lesser and has no right to chances and this is how their world work.

But we, viewers should be capable to understand their world works in the wrong way.

Loki: What's this? Next step of your manipulation...

Mobius: This is the final step. Your last chance.

Loki: Oh, and what does my desperate last chance require?

At this point Loki has moved back into keeping distance. He calls what’s Mobius is doing as manipulation and sounds flippant as he talks of his ‘desperate last chance’.

Mobius might have sympathy for him but Loki has likely figured out Mobius wouldn’t save him from the TVA beyond a certain point. The very best Mobius can offer him is to remain there working for the TVA to catch other Lokis, all while wearing a jacket that points out he’s a Variant as well, a cosmic joke.

Maybe Mobius might manage to have him dismiss wearing that jacket. Still, all this is tied to how much useful he can be. Mobius though can’t offer him freedom or a way back home.

Anyway Loki’s last chance is to work, to go over each and every one of the Variant's case files, and then, give him his unique Loki perspective and find something. All this while Mobius goes to eat something and keeping in mind his life depends on him proving to be of some use.

Again we’re reminded that Loki isn’t free to drop this work, he’s forced to cooperate, his life depends on it.

Loki starts looking through the documents which basically cover the various cases in which the Variant ambushed the Minutemen and stole their reset charge, clearly not finding them interesting. A woman hush him and he hush her back.

Loki tries going to the one who seems a librarian… but who’s actually so mechanical she feels more like a robot who can’t stop typing to pay attention to those who call her if they don’t ring at her first.

Loki asks her for more files. No, not files on the case, files pertaining to the creation of the TVA… but they’re all classified. The same goes for files pertaining to the beginning of time and the end of the time.

Exasperated Loki asks which files he can have and he’s handed a handful of them which, merely cover his case as a Variant and the life of his alternate self in the sacred timeline.

Loki reads them anyway and discovers of the destruction of Asgard.

As he does he can’t help but shed a tear for his former planet, before noticing the TVA also noted that during the event there was zero variance energy detected.

This causes him to connect some important dots and so he rushes to join Mobius to the restaurant.

At first Mobius doesn’t want to listen him, claiming he told him not to bother him until he read all the files which Loki claims to have done.

Honestly he didn’t seem particularly interested in them but he might have done it as someone who practices magic should have been good at studying. Mobius insists and Loki points out what they’re searching isn’t in the files but in the timeline as the Variant is hiding in the apocalypse.

Mobius asks which one and Loki mentions Ragnarok, asking him if he’s familiar to it. And I wonder if Loki wanted an answer to this one question, if he wanted to know if Mobius knew his homeland was wiped away, that this is something the TVA allowed.

Mobius confirms he knows about it and apologizes to him.

Loki pretends not to care and goes on discussing how a Nexus event is the result of someone doing something he’s not supposed to that causes a chain reaction of things that aren’t supposed to happen.

Mobius confirms.

At this point Loki steals the salad Mobius was eating for his example and decides in his metaphor that salad will represent Asgard.

And tell me whatever you want but, as far as I’m involved this is Loki paying back Mobius for letting him to work while he went to eat.

Mobius gets immediately that his lunch is going to meet an abrupt demise but Loki doesn’t let this deter him.

Loki suggests if he were to go on Asgard before Ragnarok he could do whatever he wants, even push Hulk off the Rainbow bridge, and to prove his point, he adds more salt to the salad. He then says he could also set fire to the place. I don’t know what he adds to Mobius’ salad as he says so, maybe pepper, but this is enough to make Mobius beg not to set fire to the place, which I find hilarious. Loki continues to put salt and… pepper? Into Mobius’ salad commenting that he can do whatever he wants without going against the dictates of the timeline.

He then picks up Mobius’ drink only to find it empty so he goes to get the drink from the nearby’s table, Casey’s table. He then pours it into Mobius’ salad, likely making it impossible to eat, explaining how the drink represents Surtur who will destroy Asgard no matter what Loki does so what he does doesn’t matter.

In short, in addition to making his point, Loki let Mobius too without lunch.

Fair since Loki didn’t have lunch at all.

Mobius still doesn’t get it so Loki goes further on explaining if they have an apocalypse of whatever kind it doesn’t matter what one would do in it because everything would get destroyed so the Variant has to be hiding in an apocalypse, doing whatever they want without them noticing.

Mobius is forced to admit it’s not a bad theory and Loki tells him to bring him to an apocalypse and he’ll show him.

Mobius accuses him of wanting to run back to his homeland and Loki says whatever apocalypse will do. Mobius makes clear he’s afraid to bring Loki around and Loki insists they’ve to test his theory. Mobius makes clear he’s afraid Loki would want to test how stabbable is his back.

Loki complains stabbing someone in the back is a boring form of betrayal. Mobius said he has done it 50 times… which is really not much for someone who lived as long as Loki especially since most of those stabbing if not all took place during battle, because Mobius is talking of literal stabbing here, not metaphorical one.

Loki is not really interested in arguing this one though and just says he won’t do it again because it got old which causes Mobius to laugh. Loki insists that he understands Mobius doesn’t trust him but he should trust something else, Loki loves to be right… and this seals the deal.

So the guys are at Pompeii, Italy – 78 AD, though it would be more correct to say they’re at Pompeii, ROMAN EMPIRE – AD 78 or 78 CE.

Eruption day.

While Mobius is absolutely scared they might mess up the timeline Loki is as overexcited like a kid on a sugar rush.

Loki cried reading of the destruction of Asgard but here he seems pretty giddy.

To Mobius scolding him because ‘it’s just not in good taste’ he replies ‘they’re gonna die anyway’.

And in itself is interesting. Mobius said he’s sorry for Asgard destruction, now he worries about ‘good taste’ but in the end he’s not going to do anything to spare those people’s lives.

The dead count will be of over 2.000 a good part of it dying a horrible albeit fast death as they’ll be literally vaporized by the heat of the pyroclastic flow.

In face of so many people about to die Mobius worrying Loki’s behaviour isn’t in good taste feels hypocritical, a mere care for the form, in fact he agrees with Loki it’s ‘cool’ the whole city will be wiped off the planet and his main worry is they shouldn’t create a huge branch.

Anyway, while Mobius insist they should start creating only a very small disturbance, Loki ends up freeing animals and announcing the eruption and the following death of everyone to the people.

Loki making all that chaos feels as if this is way to distance from the apocalypse that hit Asgard. Honestly I don’t think he wanted to go there during Ragnarok if there was nothing he could have done to save it.

However his speech is also an interesting way for Loki to try and pry info from Mobius about the TVA

Loki: ( Speaking latin ) You’re all about to die. That volcano is about to erupt! I would know, because I’m from the future. ( In english ) We are from the future, right? What is the TVA? I mean, it's from the future. It sounds from the future. It's pretty future-y.

Mobius won’t reply to him but the eruption will start right there, the Tempad continuing to sign zero variance energy, proving Loki was right. I wonder if this was also Loki’s way to try and see if an apocalypse could be prevented.

Oh, Loki talks Latin here but I’ve already talked about the language problem in the MCU and how the TVA seems to have a tv series version of Allspeak which, evidently passed to Loki too as he showed he previously couldn’t talk to Mongolian people.

On another note… the eruption, as depicted in the show, is not historically accurate.

Around 1:00 p.m., Mount Vesuvius violently erupted, spewing up a high-altitude column (the column supposedly as high as 30 km) from which ash and pumice began to fall, blanketing the area. Rescues and escapes occurred during this time.

It’s only much later, in the night or during the day after that the pyroclastic flows began and it Pompeei 4 minutes later, murdering everyone there.

The show instead seems to mix up the first eruption with the beginning of the pyroclastic flow (which is the one we see approaching from behind Loki), skipping the fall of ash and pumice.

Of course from a storytelling point of view it works a lot better, so it’s not a big deal and it’s just artistic freedom, it’s just my history lover’s heart which is bleeding.

If you want to enjoy how the eruption looked like there’s a nice video on Youtube “A Day in Pompeii - Full-length animation”.

The switch between Pompeii and back to the TVA feels a little abrupt, as if the Pompeii scene was meant to last more and they cut it.

Anyway they’re back on TVA and Mobius is summarizing Loki’s theory. Loki tells him he’s welcome, which, I take, is Loki’s clue he’d like to be thanked for his contribution. Mobius though is more focused on the mechanics of their new discovery.

He believes for Loki’s theory to hold the disasters have to be naturally-occurring, sudden, no warning, no survivors. So Ragnarok wouldn’t be okay because Loki and Thor triggered it and there were survivors. That is unless the TVA retconned “Thor: Ragnarok”.

Anyway, they decide they’ll have to find out how many of those natural disasters there are… but in the end Loki falls asleep on all the documents they’re checking.

I know there’s a debate if this proves he trusts Mobius or not… but the point is, he just proved himself he was of great help, so Mobius who has shown to have some measures of sympathy toward him despite his strict adherence to the TVA code and that make him capable to disintegrate him should need arise, has really no reason to harm him, quite the opposite.

Also he’s likely quite exhausted, both physically and emotionally otherwise he clearly wouldn’t fall asleep on an uncomfortable position over a stack of papers.

And differently from Mobius he supposedly didn’t even had lunch.

Mobius yawns which shows he’s clearly worn out as well, wakes him and tells him they’re going for a walk. So no bed, they’ll only take a small break.

I take they end up in the TVA version of a cafeteria where Loki asks Mobius about the jet ski magazine. Mobius ends up showing his total love for jet skis.

“Yeah. You know, some things... Actually, most things in history are kinda dumb, and everything gets ruined eventually. But in the early 1990s, for a brief, shining moment, there was a beautiful union of form and function, which we call the jet ski, and a reasonable man cannot differ.”

Actually he sounds like a fanboy, dismissive of everything he doesn’t like and imposing his own likes claiming no one could have a different opinion from him. It’s not a complain, it’s human. I like how the TVA members, despite their dystopian setting and their fanatic faith to the TVA religion have characteristics, both good and bad, that made them human.

However, at Loki’s question if he has ever tried a Jet Ski, Mobius admits he never been on one because if a TVA agent were to show up on a jet ski that would create a branch. It’s a poor excuse since they show up in timelines in their everyday clothes in time periods in which those clothes aren’t appropriate and anyway, who cares since they reset the branches so they could even show up naked and everything would get erased?

In this Mobius is the opposite of Loki, although he too has wishes that make him similar to Loki he doesn’t dare to fulfil them, he completely focuses on his work, he claims to read the magazines because they remind him what he’s fighting for… jet skis appearing in the Sacred Timeline in early 1990s apparently.

Okay, it’s more that he believes if the Sacred Timeline gets destroyed everything would but people who were believing to be heroes like he does would say they would fight for people, not for a beautiful vehicle that could be enjoyed only for a brief amount of time.

Mobius in a way is disconnected by the people on the sacred timeline, maybe because he never met them, he met the Variants, which are considered something to be pruned and nothing more and he actively help in pruning them.

So maybe he can’t work for people, because as soon as those people become variants, bang, they need to be wiped away. I think Mobius would like to be a decent person, I think he doesn’t want to harm people so he keeps distance and blindly swallows the TVA teaching and this discussion further proves it.

Loki asks if he really believes in all the TVA preaches and Mobius replies:

Mobius: I don't get hung up on, "Believe, not believe." I just accept what is.

It reminds me of a discussion he had with Loki in the past episode:

Loki: So that had the Time-Keepers' seal of approval, did it?

Mobius: Well, I wouldn't think of it in terms of approval and disapproval. That's sort of a... Let's get back to escapes...

Mobius just accepts things as they are presented. But why he accepts them?

Loki goes on summarizing how the TVA’s beliefs are that three magic lizards created the TVA and everyone in it including Mobius, which for Loki is clearly something dumb to believe.

Loki: Every time I start to admire your intelligence, you say something like that.

Mobius tries to retort it by turning tables on Loki.

Mobius: Okay, who created you, Loki?

Loki: A Frost Giant of Jotunheim.

Mobius: And who raised you?

Loki: Odin of Asgard.

Mobius: Odin, God of the Heavens. Asgard, mystical realm, beyond the stars. Frost Giants. Listen to yourself...

Loki: It's not the same. It's completely different. No. It's not the same.

Mobius: It's exactly the same thing.

The HUGE problem in Mobius’ reasoning is that he’s mixing up what Loki has experienced, his skin turning blue, proving he’s a Jotun, living his whole life with Odin, believing him to be his father, with Mobius merely believes as Mobius has no knowledge of what the Time-Keepers are since he never met them and likely doesn’t even remember when he was created or things like that.

Loki believes in what he lived though because he touched and sampled it and, in fact, he had a breakdown when he discovered part of it, the part he had no memory about but embraced out of faith was a lie (Loki couldn’t remember his Jotun heritage or his birth so he accepted what he was told, that Odin and Frigga were his parents). This likely makes even harder for him to accept that Mobius would just blindly believe in something he hadn’t experienced in the slightest.

Mobius had said:

Mobius: I don't get hung up on, "Believe, not believe." I just accept what is.

But at the end of it what motivates him is blind belief.

Mobius: Because if you think too hard about where any of us came from, who we truly are, it sounds kinda ridiculous. Existence is chaos. Nothing makes any sense, so we try to make some sense of it. And I'm just lucky that the chaos I emerged into gave me all this... My own glorious purpose. Cause the TVA is my life. And it's real because I believe it's real.

The TVA is real because he believes so. It has to be or his own ‘glorious purpose’ would mean nothing. Loki got burned by the truth. Mobius doesn’t want to end up the same, he doesn’t want to think at the absurdity the TVA feds him, he doesn’t want to question if what he does is right or wrong because the truth might disappoint it, it might be ridiculous, in bad taste, like being excited as Pompeii is about to be buried by the volcano.

The TVA is Mobius’ religion, and, to paraphrase Karl Marx faith in the TVA ‘is the sigh of the oppressed creature, the heart of a heartless world, and the soul of soulless conditions. It is the opium of the people.’

But this kind of mindset is also the mindset of whose who represent the ‘banality of evil’ of those who indulge in the capital vice of Acedia, whose who do not care, who do nothing to stop evil empower it and support it.

“...morally speaking, there is no limit to the concern one must feel for the suffering of human beings, that indifference to evil is worse than evil itself, that in a free society, some are guilty, but all are responsible.” ― Abraham Heschel

And, after all, Mobius works to support it, to support the TVA as they prune/reset countless lives.

There’s something else that’s interesting.

Mobius is supposed to be a lawful character… yet he doesn’t believe existence is order. Existence is chaos. And, in the same way as he’s afraid to try out a jet ski and making excuses for why he doesn’t do so, I think Mobius deep down is scared by chaos. Fascinated by it but scared by it as well. In fact he’ll later says that he believes when it all will end and the Time-Keepers will have finished untangling the timeline all that will emerge will be order.

Loki: Ah, I see. So, when they're finished, what happens then?

Mobius: So are we. No more nexus events. Just order. And we meet in peace at the end of time. Nice, right?

Loki: Only order?

Mobius: Mmm-hmm.

Loki: No chaos? It sounds boring.

Mobius: I'm sure it does to you.

Order is reassuring, it gives people a sense, a purpose, order is explainable. Order follows laws so it’s lawful. But order, like Loki points out, is also boring, predictable. No bad surprise would come out of it, true, but no good surprise either. No change. No possibility to get worse… but no possibility to get better either. Order is static where chaos is always changing. You need a mixture of both to make a worthy life.

Besides the idea they ‘meet in peace at the end of time’ to me feels more like an attempt to use a different wording to say ‘we’re all dead’ or ‘we’ll be all pruned/reset’. So not particularly encouraging.

But I’m running ahead a bit. When Mobius says Loki that the TVA is real because he believes so, Loki accepts it. For the moment.

Loki: Fair enough. You believe it's real.

And I wonder if, in a way, Loki can understand. Because the chaos, the unpredictable, is what made him discover he wasn’t an Odinson. If he hadn’t questioned Odin’s words, if he hadn’t gone and taken the Casket of Ancient Winters in his hands but just turned his eyes away when his skin turned blue, if, like Mobius said, he hadn’t thought to hard at it, or at how bad Thor could be as a kind, if he just had shrugged everything off and said ‘yeah, I’m sorry Thor will be a poor kind but that’s what meant to be, who cares?’ and ‘yeah, it’s weird my skin turned blue but Odin said I’m his son so who am I to question him?’ he would have spared himself many unpleasant things.

He would be at Asgard, thinking to be Odin’s son, trying to help Thor, who prior to his banning to Earth was completely unfit to rule, not ruin completely the planet. That would be his own glorious purpose. Nothing more.

And while it wouldn’t be a great purpose… well, it would have spared him of a lot of pain so I think Loki can see the charm of it… but at the same time he can see the danger of it. If we’ll blindly follow the rules we give up on our free will.

Loki: So everything is written. Past, present, future. There's no such thing as free will.

Mobius: Well, I mean, you know, it's an oversimplification...

Mobius thinks it’s an oversimplification but it’s not. He’s probably telling himself since he submits to the rules willingly, well, that’s his free will. But we’ve seen that the other option is being reset. The Variants are nothing else but people who didn’t follow the dictation of the Time-keepers, a dictation they didn’t even know existed, but merely followed their free will. And the TVA erases them.

It’s true, the ones that follow the Sacred Timeline, not knowing they’re following the dictation of the Time-keepers, are still, in a way, following their free will, but it’s actually a pretty tricky situation because their options get pruned by the TVA.

People don’t exist in a vacuum. We take decisions according to what happens around us.

Now think to a world in which Odin tells Loki the truth right from the start. This would lead Loki to get very different decisions… only that Odin, if it ever existed, got pruned.

Think to a Thor who’s ready to rule when he’s about to be crowned so that Loki doesn’t have to disrupt the coronation. Well, think twice because that Thor got pruned.

Think to a Frigga who hands the crown to Loki but also sits next to him instead than next to Odin to support him while he’s going through his worst crisis. Pruned again.

Think to the Warriors Three and Sif not attempting to go fetch Thor after he’s banned. Sorry, they got pruned.

Think to Heimdall not allowing Thor to go to Jotunheim. Never mind he got pruned.

Loki made his choices. It was his free will. But his choices were tied to all that happened around him, and since all that happened around him was decided he was channelled toward certain decisions, everything working to make him take such decision.

Actually, each time he tried to take a different decision he too got pruned.

The resulting Loki that inhabits the Sacred Timeline, more than the result of his own free will, is the result of manipulation of the events and TVA selection. Which is kind of creepy.

But okay, it’s interesting how, in a way, Loki tries to connect with Mobius.

Maybe it’s Stockholm syndrome as Loki was someone held captive and sentenced to death and then Mobius came in and made clear that Loki’s survival depended on him, maybe it’s just that Mobius showed him some measure of kindness and appreciation and it doesn’t matter if he was being manipulative or not, Loki was so starved for it he fell for it, or he caught up on some similarities between them.

Sure, it can be that by connecting with him he can better use him but I don’t think that’s just it.

Mobius is someone Loki can connect with on an intellectual level, where Thor was just ‘let’s hit things’ and the Warriors Three and Sif were just, let’s do what Thor says.

And after Thor and his friends there were Thanos and the Other and clearly Loki couldn’t connect with them. So it doesn’t matter how screwed up the situation is and how Mobius manipulated Loki in their first meeting and what he told him, fundamentally Mobius is the only one Loki, who’s forced to go around with a jacket saying ‘Variant’ because no one has to forget he’s a cosmic joke, has in that setting.

So yes, it’s VERY screwed up but it makes sense Loki would partially latch on him. It’s human.

On another note I’m not really fond of the idea of Mobius using the French ‘au contraire’ while talking with Loki. Maybe it’s an ad-lib but since there’s already enough mess on how the TVA can talk all the languages and Asgardian somehow don’t have Allspeak, I would have preferred if they hadn’t mixed English and French now. Whatever, maybe that’s just me.

Loki goes on.

Loki: You called me a scared little boy.

Mobius: I called you a lotta things.

I wonder what Mobius means here, if he’s just telling Loki he shouldn’t focus on that (as calling him as such was Mobius’ attempt at showing him sympathy), but Loki nails another relevant topic.

Loki: You did. You're wrong, though. You see, I know something children don't.

Mobius: What's that?

Loki: That no one bad is ever truly bad. And no one good is ever truly good.

It’s interesting it’s coming from Loki because it means, differently from how sometimes Marvel movies seems to depict a world in black and white, Loki could see the shades of grey.

In his family. In the Avengers. In Thanos and the Other. Maybe even in the TVA people. And this means in himself as well.

And we go back to what he said in Ep 1:

Loki: I can't go back, can I? Back to my timeline. I don't enjoy hurting people. I... ( Sighs ) I don't enjoy it. I do it because I have to, because I've had to.

Mobius: Okay, explain that to me.

Loki: Because it's part of the illusion. It's the cruel, elaborate trick conjured by the weak to inspire fear.

Mobius: A desperate play for control. You do know yourself.

Loki: A villain. ( Sighs )

He painted himself as a villain, as someone all black, to show as if he was someone in control… in “Thor” when he was in an emotional storm, in “The Avengers” when he actually was working for Thanos.

But if we consider Loki’s words solely for their tie to the present discussion, he’s trying to tell Mobius that the black and white vision Mobius is trying to adopt doesn’t work. If there’s good in bad and bad in good, the perfect world Mobius thinks he can archive doesn’t exist and his glorious purpose is not so glorious.

Nothing is perfect and so no perfect order or perfect chaos can exist and trying to paint things or people black and white as the Time-Keepers are doing and the TVA as well, is a mistake.

Loki’s words though cause Mobius to remember the boy he met in the cathedral before going to Loki’s trial and how he had a candy box left by the Loki Variant. And I’ve always wondered WHY did the Loki Variant left that candy box behind? Is like she’s leaving breadcrumbs for the TVA or someone working with them to track her down.

Kablooie was only sold regionally on Earth from 2047 to 2051. While it wouldn’t be easy to track the Variant with just this, the Variant limits the place they’ve to search for them to only 4 years.

On an interesting note although Mobius claimed to know everything about Loki’s life he evidently had no idea if Asgardians had candies or not. So yeah, I think Mobius didn’t exactly knew EVERYTHING about Loki’s life, only what the TVA deemed relevant.

Anyway Mobius decides since they now know the Variant is hiding in an apocalyptic event in which Kablooie are involved they can cross-reference the two things.

Mobius has probably more clearance than Loki as he gets the files and then gives Loki a half, encouraging him to search fast through them by making it a competition… which actually is dumb, because the Variant can only be in one place so only the one who got that file among them can find it, no matter if he’s fast or slow… but whatever, Loki is motivated enough by this because he likes to win.

However, although Mobius asks him if he wants to bet on something, then he demands they’ll play for pride.

Anyway, as Mobius realizes it’s one apocalyptic event after another (all in 5 years) Loki finds what they’re searching for in an apocalyptic event in Alabama, 2050.

This gains him Mobius’ praise as he tells him he’ll take his job if he’s not careful.

I remember reading some interviews suggested Loki and Mobius had a mentor/student type of relation. Well, Mobius definitely feels like the mentor, one who takes care of Loki and teaches him how it works at the TVA, completely not focusing on how Loki was basically kidnapped by the place, doesn’t aim to stay there and people look down at him and is always ready to dispose of him because he’s a Variant… and what’s worse, the Variant of someone who, according to the Time-Keepers is meant to be ‘an evil, lying scourge’.

On the other side… working for the TVA is Loki’s only option to survive in that setting so Mobius likely sees it as Loki having to stop ‘thinking too hard’ and also make the TVA his life. In short he should just be like him and submit to the Time-Keepers.

So yeah, his point of view make sense but… it’s terrible, it’s actually telling people not to resist to wrong conditions but submit to them. It’s the typical mindsetting of a bureaucratic huge corporation or system, where no one matters and everyone obeys without worrying to much about what they’re obeying at.

But back to the story Mobius goes to Renslayer to asks her ‘to approve deployment of a fully-armed task force to the Variant's potential hiding spot’.

By the way said hising spot is in ‘Haven Hills, Alabama, corporate town owned by Roxxcart until it's wiped out by a hurricane’.

The name Roxxcart might remember to who read the comic or watched “Agent Carter” of the Roxxon Corporation, one of the world's largest conglomerates, founded in the 1940s. It also appeared in Marvel “Cloak & Dagger” and “Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.”, with vague references at it in “Iron Man”, “Iron Man 2”, “A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to Thor's Hammer”, “Iron Man 3” and the MCU comic “The Avengers Prelude: Fury's Big Week”. It’s hard to say if this will be another vague reference or there will be more.

Renslayer is prejudiced against our Loki as she continues to call him a Variant and tries dismissing the whole thing merely because HE suggested it and the other time he ‘blew up’ the previous mission. Which he didn’t but of this I’ve already talked.

Mobius is all happy Loki proved himself useful and his idea to use him was right but Renslayer instead insists on not trusting him, even though he just discovered a huge hole in their security system.

Now, okay, Loki isn’t to be trusted blindly, but Renslayer isn’t really giving a rational reason why this theory, which actually makes a lot of sense and is supported by some evidence Mobius collected, would be wrong. If they’re going to shot down any theory Loki comes up just because he’s Loki then she shouldn’t have even given him to Mobius.

In fact when Mobius point out how Loki HELPED discovering the hole in the security she’s only more worried.

Anyway Mobius is so excited he manages to get her to agree, although she warns him she won’t be able to help him if this doesn’t work out.

They kind of repeat something that was included in the video/commercial of the TVA Miss Minute showed Loki in the previous episode.

Mobius: For all time.

Ravonna Renslayer: Always.

I wonder if this is actually meant to be the TVA catchphrase.

Anyway Mobius leaves Renslayer and we see Loki is out of the room, nervous, waiting for him. He seems quite satisfied when Mobius says they’ve got permission.

Mobius is still all excited… and make a vague promise that amounts to… basically nothing, to Loki.

Mobius: I'm tellin' you. You actually help us catch this Variant, and who knows, my friend.

Loki: What, good enough for a face-to-face with the Time-Keepers?

Mobius: I didn't say that. One step at a time.

Loki: All right. One step at a time.

He actually promises nothing to him, because, as he said, he said nothing. ‘Who knows’ can mean anything, even that after they catch the Variant they’ll prune him, or they’ll merely allow him to live at the TVA, forcing him to work for them. Who knows what ‘who knows’ mean!

Loki tries to have some more solid confirmation and basically gets nothing, which is not very promising.

As far as I’m involved I think Mobius is doing this promise more because he’s trying to keep Loki loyal than because he has something solid to offer to him. In fact he hadn’t bargained with Renslayer for this. Loki is there to catch the Variant, catching the Variant would end their need to use Loki but, as soon as Mobius got permission for the mission he left without insuring if they were to succeed he could keep him.

Does Loki really want to meet the Time-Keepers? What he aims to get from them?

Anyway Mobius is so excited he tries to give knives to Loki.

Enters Hunter B-15, who strongly despise Loki who takes them away from him (I wonder if Loki managed to steal them back unknown to her. I would love if he did). She briefs her men for the mission, which also allows us viewers to get some info and orders them to prune Loki at sight. Clearly she doesn’t even believe in putting him to that mock trials the TVA offers to its captive Variants.

Loki makes present they should preferably prune the bad Loki, not him and then the scene moves to Haven Hills and I love how this time they had introduced it not by writing it on the screen but by showing us a sign saying we’re in Haven Hills, Alabama… before having it destroyed.

I really love this scene.

The TVA arrives at Roxxcart and they’ve the good sense to open their Timedoors outside of it.

It’s interesting how Loki looks up at the storming sky. I wonder if he’s searching for thunders (we saw one hitting the ground before the TVA appeared) as a way to check if Thor is around, even though it’s clear Thor wouldn’t cause such destruction.

To Hunter B-15’s surprise Loki uses his magic to dry up, which somehow seems to make her even more suspicious of him. Because yeah, drying yourself is such a sinister act.

Mobius would like to go with Loki at the Green House but Hunter B-15 forbids it, wanting to part them. Mobius has to go with Hunter D-90 while Loki has to stay with her.

And I’ve the personal suspicion that’s because she hopes in a not to obvious chance to prune him too away from Mobius’ eyes.

B-15 tells Mobius if he’s not fine with it, he can go argue with Renslayer about it.

It’s interesting how they’re arguing. I wonder if Hunters and Analysts actually form two different and opposite classes in TVA who argue against each other despite a poster depicting them as working together.

Anyway Loki gets in between and tells Mobius it’s fine, that he can trust him and that he’ll understand trust has to be gained so he’ll gain it.

Honestly the way Loki puts it makes him even more suspicious for me, but I wonder if the key is it has to work for B-15.

Mobius complains about how is always the people you can’t trust that tell you ‘trust me’. Well, the people you trust wouldn’t need to ask you your trust so they won’t tell it to you.

Mobius though at this surrender as well, he’s so excited to get the Variant he doesn’t consider he could ask to stay with B-15 as well, or that he could say B-15 is asking this because she wants to try to harm Loki. He just let the issue go after a jab about how the past time B-15 ended up wearing the Time Collar.

Meanwhile the Loki Variant has noticed they’re in thanks to all the cameras in the place, as if they were waiting for the TVA. Again I wonder if the Loki Variant has someone supporting them in the TVA because they seem to know too much, later they’ll even show knowing the other Loki was brought in by the TVA to capture them.

We see the Loki Variant leaving down a tempad on which there’s a countdown that’s at 20 minutes.

Back to Loki he’s in the greenhouse with B-15, trying to chat with her… which could be a genuine attempt at communication or an attempt at warning the Variant they’re there. I’m not sure on which side Loki is… but I wonder if his goal is to stall things.

He might suspect if they get the Variant he’ll be disposed off so his aim might be to show he’s useful but also to stall the capture of the Variant. This might be what he was trying to do in the previous mission as well. So it’s not exactly he’s trying to help the Variant, he’s trying to gain time for himself.

B-15 doesn’t feel like talking with him but then they find a guy who claims to be shopping for plants despite the hurricane.

B-15 asks Loki if the guy could be him and Loki points out he ‘probably would have worn a suit, but, yes, maybe’, hinting at how Loki cares about how he looks.

B-15 gets too close to the guy who manages to grab her. We see some green magic pass to B-15 and then the guy faints. Loki asks if he’s dead but ‘B-15’ tells him ‘they usually survive’, making clear she’s no more B-15 but the Variant possessing her, who also recognizes Loki for who he is:

“So, you're the fool the TVA brought in to hunt me down.”

As I said this sentence gives me the feeling the Variant knew the TVA brought him someone to hunt them, in short they’ve inside intel about the TVA and I would love to know how.

Now possessing B-15 is a good move as she’s a good fighter with a weapon in her hands and this also leaves Loki on her own.

Loki recognizes the speaker for what they are, the Loki Variant possessing B-15, in short himself.

The Variant points out:

“Please. If anyone's anyone, you're me.”

Implying the Variant saw themselves as the better/original Loki version.

Wunmi Mosaku does a good work at playing the Loki Variant here, really.

Back in the shelter people is clearly in deep distress and a guy thinks the TVA is there to help them.

I think Mobius is torn, a side of him would just search for the Variant, the other is being affected by the situation but he tries to suppress it.

D-90 instead doesn’t care and pushes the man away as if he didn’t even exist. Which he doesn’t for him.

Mobius: What are you doing? Hey! These people are scared.

Hunter D-90: They're about to die. They should be scared.

Mobius: Okay. Not of us.

Even though those people aren’t Variants as they’re going to die the TVA doesn’t acknowledge them right. Like the Loki Variant they don’t care what they do because everything will be erased, either by a reset charge or by the apocalypse.

Mobius doesn’t like this… but again it’s not like he’s trying to save those people, he’ll let them die because the Time-Keepers dictate so.

Hunters in the TVA are somehow all jerks. Again they would work well as stand in for police brutality but I don’t know if the series wants to go this way.

Mobius and D-90 are interrupted when a Minuteman informs them they had found a tied C-20 who’s in state of shock and repeating over and over ‘it’s real’.

So C-20’s role isn’t to be a bait, I think it’s possible the Variant wants to use her to deliver a message to the TVA.

Back to Loki he comments on the spell used.

“Enchantment is a clever trick. Cowardly, a bit amateur-ish, but clever.”

The fact enchantment was used seems to be a nod to how the Variant might be Sylvie Lushton, who also went under the alias of enchantress.

In the comics Sylvie is not the original enchantress, that one was Amora, sister of Lorelei who appeared in “Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.”. Sylvie was supposedly a human created by Loki who also gave her her magical powers. Although she has no training she has amazing magical powers and moved from wanting to be an Avenger to trying to become a Villain.

We’ll see what this Variant will turn out to be.

Anyway the Variant blames Loki of being the coward one because he works for the TVA. She mocks this asking him if he really believes that, which he confirms so she dismisses him:

Hunter B-15 (possessed): ( The variant chuckles ) And here I was worried that they'd found a better version of me.

And this again seems to imply the Variant KNEW the TVA got themselves a Loki but who told them? They just discovered it at the fair?

A person, Randy, appear and B-15 touches him then faint. Loki almost hurries to help her before realizing what had happened.

Well, the Variant could have disintegrate Randy instead she preferred to transfer themselves into him. This is interesting because it seems although they’ve no hesitation in killing TVA people they’re against harming normal people.

Loki still go to check B-15… or can it be he placed something in one of her pockets? Like a message for Mobius? Loki touches his jacket before bending down on B-15 and this time we don’t see what he touches as she’s cut off the screen which is odd.

The Variant thinks he’s trying to search a transmitting device to call the others for help. Loki tails the Variant, challenging them to face him and then explaining how he had gained the TVA confidence.

The Variant is not that much impressed but they continue to give Loki their back. Not that it matter as that back isn’t really the Variant’s back.

Loki explains his plan… which I don’t know if it’s really his plan or a trick.

Loki: I'm going to overthrow the Time-Keepers. And, uh, cards on the table, I could use a qualified lieutenant.

It’s relevant how Loki, talking with the Variant, uses a more polite and Asgard like language.

The Variant is clearly not interested in working for Loki but what hits me is that they don’t want to be called ‘Loki’ which could be because they aren’t Loki after all.

Loki: What say you... Loki?

Randy (possessed): Ugh. Don't call me that. You can call me... Randy.

I love how this meeting helps Loki to realize why Thor found these techniques annoying.

Loki: God. Now I understand why Thor found this so annoying.

Loki claims he has helped the Variant at the fair so yes, apparently he has played that risky bet back then for a reason. I really would love to know which game Loki is playing.

Loki: Listen. Enough with your games. I've been trying to help you. I kept them vulnerable at the Renaissance Fair for some time.

The Variant still isn’t interested in joining him as they don’t care about ruling the TVA.

We see that there are Time charges placed all around, partially hidden from sight which don’t promise anything good and someone, likely the Variant, is tweaking with them while ‘Randy’ keeps Loki distracted. So yes, this Variant too is good at stalling.

C-20 is still babbling, while Mobius tries to get something out of her.

D-90 just waves her off saying she’s off the dial and showing a worrying lack of a care for a companion.

Although C-20 says she wants to go home when Mobius offers to send them back she says she can’t as she gave away the position of the Time-Keepers.

Oh, so C-20 knew it? Did she, differently from Mobius met them?

D-90 tries to contact B-15 causing her to wake up.

Loki tries to get what the Variant wants but the Variant refuses to explain themselves saying Loki is too late. Loki counters he’s ahead as he found the Variant’s hiding place, then notices the Time charges and thinks the Variant lead them there to blow the place up.

As he turns his gaze Randy has disappeared and the Variant has possessed a big guy who starts beating Loki. Loki is not really fighting back. Are possessed people really so powerful or Loki is trying to pass himself for weak?

Anyway, after pointing out:

Loki: I would never treat me like this.

Which might be our clue the Variant isn’t really a Loki but someone pretending to be one, Loki starts more actively to try to avoid blows and even use his magic to get something he can use as shield.

The Variant’s language is nowhere near as polite as Loki and the possessed guy manages to send Loki on the ground. The idea of a toy dachshund bumping against him is cute.

B-15 manages to find Mobius and she’s forced to confess she lost Loki. Likely she thinks it’s due to Loki but doesn’t know how to explain it while D-90 just says Mobius’ favourite Loki betrayed him as they run to search for him.

The possessed guy is using another tempad connecting it to another mechanism. Although Loki couldn’t move he hadn’t tried to kill him and now Loki wakes up and demands to know what the Variants wants from him and what is this about. He’s clearly angry.

The possessed guy stands up and then tells him to brace himself before fainting, a sign the Variant isn’t possessing him anymore.

A recording keeps on repeating Loki’s last two sentences ‘What do you want from me? What is this about?’.

I’m not sure why the Variant would record those two sentences and play them over unless we’re to assume they’re actually only playing in Loki’s head.

The Variant appears, removes their hood to reveal it hid a blond woman face then in an unfriendly tone she states:

“This isn't about you.”

Loki’s surprise lasts only few seconds before he says ‘right’.

Meanwhile the countdown has reached 0, the light shot down, the time charges, tons of them, turn on but then below them timedoors appear, sending them away.

Mobius notices what’s going on and worries about where the Time charges are going.

Back at the TVA we assist to the sudden formation of LOTS of branches. The Analysts come to the conclusion someone ‘bombed’ the Sacred Timeline.

Renslayer, who has a hunter helmet that starts with A-25… which might mean she was one of the first hunters of the place, grabs her weapon as Minuteman spun to action.

Loki sees the Variant grabbing the Tempad again and using it to open a human size timedoor as she watches him. She waves at him the way he did at the Hulk when he went on the lift and goes through the Timedoor. Loki considers following but stalls for a moment. Mobius is running there, telling him to wait. Loki sees him but decides to go through the timedoor anyway and, as he does the timedoor disappears, leaving Mobius and the hunters outside.

The episode ends here.

People had been wondering what was Loki thinking when he went through the Timedoor and Tom Hiddleston explained it in an interview:

There's a very big moment at the end where Loki steps through that portal. From your perspective what is going through Loki's mind when he looks back at Mobius and then decides to go through the door anyway? Is he feeling any remorse there at all?

I think certainly there's conflict. I think he… you know, Mobius is someone who, perhaps for the first time in his life, he thinks he might be able to trust, and perhaps trusts him, and he doesn't want to betray that trust, but at the same time he has to go and see what that's what's going on, he has to do that. I think it was he can't help himself but follow… uh… because it's too strange and to, you know, provoke so much curiosity within him. So there is a huge conflict there, he thinks “I probably shouldn't do this, maybe there can be repercussions down the line, but I have to see what that's about”. ['Loki' - Tom Hiddleston & Owen Wilson Talk Ep 2 Twist! _ TVLine Interview]

Now this might be not the full truth because Tom might have been forced to withhold information in order not to give away the plot of future episodes but it’s worth considering it.

Undoubtedly following the other Loki is a risk. It’s clear the other is challenging him to follow… and he knows next to nothing about the other Loki so, if the TVA is bad for him, the other Loki could be worse and he might be trading a bad place for a pure hell. Who says the other Loki doesn’t work for Thanos for example?

In the TVA he has Mobius as some sort of interested ally, with the other Loki he has no one. You know, "Better the devil you know than the devil you don't know". At the same time it makes sense he wants to try following the other Loki because he’s not the type to stagnate and remain there. He has to see, he has to try. Where Mobius wouldn’t risk, Loki does. I hope for him the bet will be worth it.

Last but not least it’s worth to mention in the ending theme they’ve replaced two photos of Loki with one of the Loki Variant and another with just a different image of Loki with the TVA jacket.

So anyway we’ve gotten to the end of it. I still wonder if the Loki Variant as an insider in the TVA passing her info and if she’s really a Loki or she just pretends to be. How she came to make all this big plan? Why she had looked like she wanted Loki to tail her?

We’ll see.

#loki #loki odinson #loki laufeyson #mobius m mobius #hunter b 15 #hunter c 20 #ravonna renslayer #casey #mcu loki #tom hiddleston #9 worlds study #9 worlds study mcu loki

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yourlocalsewerdragon · 3 years ago

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-After him! He's getting away! {Grunts, Gasps} {Man} -Get him! This way! Turn! -You there. Orge! -Aye? -By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrest and transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility. -Oh, really? You and what army? {Gasps, Whimpering} {Chuckles} -Can I say something to you? -Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible! Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa! -Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards! They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that. -Oh, that's great. Really. -Man, it's good to be free. -Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm? -But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us. {Roaring} -Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks! You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - - {Mumbling} Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day. -Why are you following me? -I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all alone There's no one here beside me My promlems have all gone There's no one to deride me But you gotta heve friends - - -Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends. -Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest. -Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I? -Uh - - Really tall? -No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you? -Nope. -Really? -Really, really. -Oh. -Man, I like you. What's you name? -Uh, Shrek. -Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing. I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that? -That would be my home. -Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. -I guess you don't entertain much, do you? -I like my privacy. -You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence. -Can I stay with you? -Uh, what? -Can I stay with you, please? -Of course! -Really? -No. -Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please! -Okay! Okay! But one night only. -Ah! Thank you! -What are you - - No! No! -This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles. -Oh! -Where do, uh, I sleep? -Outside! -Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know. {Sniffles} -Here I go. -Good night. {Sighs} -I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside. I'm all alone There's no one here beside me {Bubbling} {Sighs} {Creaking} {Sighs} -I thought I told you to stay outside. -I'm outside. {Clattering} -Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? -It's not home, but it'll do just fune. -What a lovely bed. -Got ya. {Sniffs} I found some cheese. -Ow! {Grunts} -Blah! Awful stuff. -Is that you, Gorder? -How did you know? -Enough! What are you doing in my house? {Grunts} -Hey!

{Snickers} -Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table. -Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken. -Huh? {Gusps} {Male voice} What? -I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I have to do get a little privacy? -Aah! -Oh, no. No! No! {Cackling} -What? -Quit it. -Don't push. {Squeaking} {Lows} - What are you doing in my swamp? {Echoing} Swamp! Swamp! Swamp! {Gasping} -Oh, dear! -Whoa! -All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey! -Quickly. Come on! -No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there. -Oh! {Sighs} -Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them. -Oh, gosh, no one invited us. -What? -We were forced to come here. -By who? -Lord Farquaad. -He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice. {Sighs} -All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is? {Murmuring} -Oh, I do. I know where he is. -Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all? -Me! Me! -Anyone? -Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me! {Sighs} -Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from! {Cheering} {Twittering} -Oh! You! You're comin' with me. - All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it! -On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek. -Hey. Oh, oh! -I can't wait to get on the road again. -What did I say about singing? -Can I whistle? -No. -Can I hum it? -All right, hum it. {Humming} {Grunts} {Whimpering} -That's enough. He's ready to talk. {Coughing} {Laughing} {Clears throat} -Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man! -You are a monster. -I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others? -Eat me!{Grunts} -I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll - - -No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons. -All right then. Who's hiding them? -Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man? -The muffin man? -The muffin man. -Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane? -Well, she's married to the muffin man. -The muffin man? -The muffin man! -She's married to the muffin man. {Door opens} -My lord! We found it. -Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in. {Man grunting} {Gasping} -Oh! -Magic mirror - - -Don't tell him anything! -No! {Ginerbread man whispers} -Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? -Well, technically you're not a king. -Uh, Thelonius. -You were saying? -What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one. All you have to do is marry a princess. -Go on. {Chuckles} -So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella. -Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White! -And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! -So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three? -Two! Two! -Three! Three! -Two! Two! -Three! -Three? One? {Shudders} Three? --Three! Pick number three,

my lord! -Okay, okay, uh, number three! -Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona. If you like pina coladas And getting caught in the rain -Princess Fiona. If you're not into yoga -She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - - -But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night. -I'll do it. -Yes, but after sunset - - -Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king! Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament. -But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it. -So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle. -Uh-huh. That's the place. -Do you think maybe he's compensating for something? {Laughs} {Groans} -Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek. -Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry. -Hey, you! {Screams} -Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - - {Whimpering} {Sighs} {Whimpering, Groans} {Turnstile clatters} {Chuckles} {Sighs} -It's quiet. Too quiet. {Creaking} -Where is everybody? -Hey, look at this! {Clattering, whirring, clicking} Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town Here we have some rules Let us lay them down Don't make waves, stay in line And we'll get along fine DuLoc is perfect place Please keep off of the grass Shine your shoes, wipe your... face DuLoc is, DuLoc is DuLoc is perfect ...... place {Camera shutter clicks {Whirring} -Wow! Let's do that again! -No. No. No, no, no! No. {Trumpet fanfare} {Crowd cheering} -Brave knights. -You are the best and brightest in all the land. -Today one of you shall prove himself - - -All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom. -Sorry about that. {Cheering} -That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make. {Cheering} -Let the tournament begin! {Gasps} -Oh! -What is that? {Gasping} -It's hideous! -Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey. -Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named champion! Have it him! -Get him! -Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now. -Go ahead! Get him! -Can't we just settle this over a pint? -Kill the beast! -No? All right then. Come on! I don't give a damn about my reputation You're living in the past It's a new generation -Damn! {Whinnying} A girl can do what she wants to do And that's what I'm gonna do And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me Me, me, me -Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me! And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation Never said I wanted to improve my station -Ah! {Laughs} And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun -Yeah! And I don't have to please no one -The chair! Give him the chair! And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me Me, me, me Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me {Bell dings} {Cheering} {Laughs} -Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha! {Shrek laughs} {Crowd gasping, murmuring} -Shall I give the order, sir? -No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion! -What? -Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest. -Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back. -Your swamp? -Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures! {Crowd murmuring} -Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back. -Exactly the way it was? -Down to the last slime-covered toadstool. -And the squatters? -As good as gone. -What kind of quest? -Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only

don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place. -Is that about right? -Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk. -I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole orge trip. -Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you? -Uh, no, not really, no. -For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think. -Example? -Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions. -{Sniffs} They stink? -Yes - - No! -They make you cry? -No! -You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs. -No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. {Sighs} -Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers. -I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes. -You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious. -No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later. -Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet. -You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering. I'm on my way from misery to happiness today Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh I'm on my way from misery to happiness today Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh And everything that you receive up yonder Is what you give to me the day I wander I'm on my way I'm on my way I'm on my way -Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that? -You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's brimstone We must be getting close. -Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither. {Rumbling} -Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location. {Laughing} -Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers? -Oh, aye. -Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves. -Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves. -You know what I mean. -You can't tell me you're afraid of heights. -I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava! -Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time. -Really? -Really, really. -Okay, that makes me feel so much better. -Just keep moving. And don't look down. -Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't look down. {Gasps} -Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! -But you're already halfway. -But I know that half is safe! -Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back. -Shrek, no! Wait! -Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me? -Don't do that! -Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? -Oh, this? -Yes, that! -Yes? Yes, do it. Okay. {Screams} -No, Shrek! No! Stop it! -You said do it! I'm doin' it. -I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh! -That'll do, Donkey. That'll do. -Cool. -So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway? -Inside, waiting for us to rescue her. {Chuckles} -I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek. {Water dripping, wind howling} -You afraid? -No. -But - - - Shh. -Oh, good. Me neither. {Gasps} -'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might

add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that. {Gasps} -Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs. -Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess. -The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower. -What makes you think she'll be there? -I read it in a book once. -Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'. {Creacing} -I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it. -Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - - -Dragon! {Screams} {Gasps} {Roars} -Donkey, look out! {Screams} {Whimpering} -Got ya! {Roars} {Gasps} {Shouts} -Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! {Screaming} {Gasps} -Oh! Aah! Aah! {Gasping} {Crowls} -No. Oh, no, No! {Screams} -Oh, what large teeth you have. {Crowls} -I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - - (Coughs) -I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek! {Gasps} {Whimpering} -No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! {Groans, Sighs} {Vocalizing} -Oh! Oh! -Wake up! -What? -Are you Princess Fiona? -I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me. -Oh, that's nice. Now let's go! -But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment? -Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time. -Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed. -You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you? -Mm-hmm. {Screams, grunts} -But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something! -I don't think so. -Can I at least know the name of my champion? -Um, Shrek. -Sir Shrek. {Cleans throat} -I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude. -Thanks! {Roaring} -You didn't slay the dragon? -It's on my to-do list. Now come on! {Screams} -But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did. -Yeah, right before they burst into flame. -That's not the point. Oh! -Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there. -Well, I have to save my ass. -What kind of knight are you? -One of a kind. -Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned. {Laughs} -I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - - Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards - - I'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh! {Growls} {Roaring} {Gasps} -Hi, Princess! -It talks! -Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick. {Screams} {Screaming} -Oh! {Thuds} {Groans} {Roars}

{Roaring} -Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon. {Fchoing} -Run! {Gasping} {Screaming} {Roaring} {Screams} {Roars} {Panting, sighs} {Whimpers} {Roars} -You did it! -You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful. You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. {Clears throat} -And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed? -I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed. -The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight. -Uh, no. -Why not? -I have helmet hair. -Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer. -No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st. -But how will you kiss me? -What? That wasn't in the job description. -Maybe it's a perk. -No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss. -Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love? -Well, yes. {Laughing} -You think Shrek is your true love! -What is so funny? -Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay? -Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your helmet. -Look. I really don't think this is a good idea. -Just take off the helmet. -I'm not going to. -Take ot off. -No! -Now! -Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness. -You- - You're a- - an orge. -Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming. -Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an orge. {Sighs} -Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you. -Then why didn't he come rescue me? -Good question. You should ask him that when we get there. -But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- - his pet. -So much for noble steed. -You're not making my job any easier. -I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here. -Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy. -You wouldn't dare. Put me down! -Ya comin', Donkey? -I'm right behind ya. -Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down! -Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten? -You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what happens when you find your - - Hey! {Sighs} -The sooner we get to DuLoc the better. -You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful! -And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like? -Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply. {Laughs} -I don't know. There are those who think little of him. -Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad. -Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow. -Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp? -No, that'll take longer. We can keep going. -But there's robbers in the woods. -Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good. -Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest. -I need to find somewhere to camp now! {Birds wings fluttering} {Grunting} -Hey! Over here. -Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess. -No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches. -Homey touches? Like what? {Crashing} -A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night. -You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will. -I said good night! -Shrek, What are you doing? {Laughs} -I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding. {Fire cracking} -And, uh, that one, that's

Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah. -Hey, can you tell my future from these stars? -The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for. -I know you're making this up. -No, look. There he is, and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench. -That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots. -You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it. {Sighs} -Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway? -Our swamp? -You know, when we're through rescuing the princess. -We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my land. -You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out. -No, do ya think? -Are you hidin' something? -Never mind, Donkey. -Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it? -No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things. -Why don't you want to talk about it? -Why do you want to talk about it? -Why are you blocking? -I'm not blocking. -Oh, yes, you are. -Donkey, I'm warning you. -Who you trying to keep out? -Everyone! Okay? -Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere. -Oh! For the love of Pete! -What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway? -Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone. -You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly orge. -Yeah, I know. -So, uh, are there any donkeys up there? -Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying. -Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there? -That's the moon. -Oh, okay. {Orchestra} {Dulcimer} -Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess. -Hmph. -Ah. Perfect. {Inhales} {Snoring} {Vocalizing} {Whistling} {Sizzling} {Sniffs, yawns} -Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that. --Come on, baby. I said I like it. -Donkey, wake up. -Huh? What? -Wake up. -What? -Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs? -Good morning, Princess! -What's all this about? -You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me. -Uh, thanks. {Sniffs} -Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us. {Belches} -Shrek! -What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs} -Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess. {Belches} -Thanks. -She's as nasty as you are. -{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected. -Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them. {Vocalizing} -La liberte! Hey! -Princess! {Laughs} -What are you doing? -Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from this green - - {Kissing sounds} -beast. -Hey! -That's my princess! Go find you own! -Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here? -Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are! -Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry Men. {Laughs} {Accordion} Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo. I steal from the rich and give to the needy. He takes a wee percentage, But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damsels Man, I'm good What a guy, Monsieur Hood Break it down I like an honest fight and a saucy little maid What he's basically saying is he likes to get - - Paid So When an orge in the bush grabs a lady by the tush That's bad That's bad When a beauty's with a beast it makes me awfully mad He's mad He's really, really mad I'll take my blade and ram it through your heart Keep your eyes on me, boys 'cause I'm about to start {Grunts, Groans} {Karate Yell}

{Merry Men Gasping} {Panting} -Man, that was annoying! -Oh, you little- - {Karate Yell} {Accordion} {Shouting, groaning} {Chuckles} -Uh, shall we? -Hold the phone. {Grunts} Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from? -What? -That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that? -Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt! -What? Oh, would you look at that? -Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry. -Why? What's wrong? -Shrek's hurt. -Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die. -Donkey, I'm okay. -You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich? -Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns. -Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light! -{Both} Donkey! -Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns. -What are the flowers for? -For getting rid of Donkey. -Ah. -Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out. -Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'. -I'm sorry, but it has to come out. -No, it's tender. -Now, hold on. -What you're doing is the opposite of help. -Don't move. -Look, time out. -Would you - - {Grunts} -Okay. What do you propose we do? -Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns. -Ow! -Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'! -Ow! Not good. -Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head. {Grunts} -It's just about - - -Ow! Ohh! -Ahem. -Nothing happend. We were just, uh - - -Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay? -Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- - Ugh! -Ow! -Hey, what's that? {Nervous chickle} -That's- - Is that blood? {Sighs} {Bird chirping} {Grunts} My beloved monster and me We go everywhere together Wearin' a raincoat that has four sleeves Gets us through all kinds of weather -Aah! She will always be the only thing That comes between me and the awful sting That comes from living in a world that's so damn mean {Croaks} Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh -Hey! La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la {Both laughing} La-la, la-la, la-la -There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you. -That's DuLoc? -Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something, which I think means he has a really - - Ow! -Um, I, uh- - I guess we better move on. -Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey. {Blubbering} -What? -I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine. -That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on your back. Dead. -You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down? -Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea. -I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, {Bones crunch} -Ow! See? -Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner. -I'll get the firewood. -Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug. -Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this? -Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style. -No kidding. Well, this is delicious. -Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weedrat stew. {Chuckling} {Sighs} -I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night. {Gulps} -Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it. {Chuckles} -I'd like that. {Slurps, laughs} See the pyramids along the Nile -Um, Princess? Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle -Yes, Shrek? -I, um, I was wondering. Just remember, darling all the while -Are you- - You belong to me

{Sighs} -Are you gonna eat that? {Chuckles} -Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset. -Sunset? -Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late. -What? -Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you? -Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside. -Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark. {Shrek sighs} -Good night. -Good night. {Door creaks} -Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here. -Oh, what are you talkin' about? -I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it. -You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad. -Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel. -I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm - - -An orge? -Yeah. An orge. -Hey, where you goin'? -To get... move firewood. {Sighs} -Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you? {Wings fluttering} -Princess? {Creaking} {Gasps} -It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games. {Screams} -Aah! -Oh, no! -No, help! -Shh! -Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! -No, it's okay. It's okay. -What did you do with the princess? -Donkey, I'm the princess. -Aah! -It's me, in this body. -Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me? -Donkey! -Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there! -No! -Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! -Shh. -Shrek! -This is me. {Muffled mumbling} -Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different. -I'm ugly, okay? -Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - - -No. -I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember. -What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before. -It's only happens when sun goes down. "By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form." -Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry. -It's a spell. {Sighs} -When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this. {Sobs} -All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7. -But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look. -Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad? -I have to. Only my true love's kiss can break the spell. -But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a lot in common. -Shrek? -Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh - - {Sighs} -I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go. -I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek. {Gasps} -My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love. {Deep sigh} -Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell. -You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth. -No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know. -What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets? -Promise you won't tell. Promise! -All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know before this is over, I'm

gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy. -Look at my eye twitchin'. {Door opens} {Snoring} -I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. -Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - - {Snoring} -Shrek. Are you all right? -Perfect! Never been better. -I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you. -You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night. -You heard what I said? -Every word. -I thought you'd understand. -Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?" -But I thought that wouldn't matter to you. -Yeah? Well, it does. {Gasps, sighs} -Ah, right on time. {Horse whinnies} -Princess, I've brought you a little something. {Fanfare} {Yawns} -What'd I miss? What'd I miss? {Muffled} -Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey. -Princess Fiona. -As promised. Now hand it over. -Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed. -Take it and go before I change my mind. -Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad. -Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no. {Snaps fingers} -Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell. -Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the orge. It's not like it has feelings. -No, you're right. It doesn't. -Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage. {Gasps} -Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom? -Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - - -Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed! -No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets. -Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests! -Fare-thee-well, orge. -Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away. -Yeah? So what? -Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's - - -I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home? -Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you. -I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys! -But I thought - - -Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong! -Shrek. I heard there was a secret chord That David played and it pleased the Lord But you don't really care for music, do ya It goes like this the fourth, the fifth The minor fall the major lift The baffled king composing hallelujah Hallelujah, hallelujah Baby, I've been here before I know this room I've walked this floor I used to live alone before I knew you I've seen your flag on the marble arch But love is not a victory march It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah Hallelujah, hallelujah And all I ever learned from love Is how to shoot at someone Who outdrew you {Moaning} And it's not a cry you can hear at night It's not somebody who's seen the light It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah {Moaning} Hallelujah, hallelujah {Thumping sound} -Donkey? {Grunts} -What are you doing? -I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one. -Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it. -It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half. -Oh! Your half. Hmm. -Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head. -Back off! -No, you back off. -This is my swamp! -Our swamp. -Let go, Donkey! -You let go. -Stubborn jackass! -Smelly orge. -Fine! -Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet. -Well, I'm through with you. -Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up

and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away. -Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back? -Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other! -Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back! -Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings. -Go away! -There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you. -Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. -She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody else. -She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about? -Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right? -Donkey! -No! -Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right? {Sighs} -I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you forgive me? -Hey, that's what friends are for, right? -Right. Friends? -Friends. -So, um, what did Fiona say about me? -What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her? -The wedding! We'll never make it in time. -Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way. {Whistles} -Donkey? -I guess it's just my animal magnetism. {Laughing} -Aw, come here, you. -All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet. -Whoo! {Bells tolling} {All gasping} -People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union.... -Um- -of our new king - - -Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"? {Chuckling} -Go on. -Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you? -What are you talking about? -There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!" -I don't have time for this! -Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you? -Yes. -You wanna hold her? -Yes. -Please her? -Yes! -Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that romantic crap! -All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line? -We gotta check it out. -And so, by the power vested in me, -What do you see? -The whole town's in there. -I now pronounce you husband and wife, -They're at the altar. -king and queen. -Mother Fletcher! He already said it. -Oh, for the love of Pete! {Grunts} -I object! -Shrek? {Gasps} -Oh, now what does he want? -Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all. Very clean. -What are you doing here? -Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding - - -Fiona! I need to talk to you. -Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me - - -But you can't marry him. -And why not? -Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king. -Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him. -He's not your true love. -And what do you know about true love? -Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - - -Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord. {Crowd laughting} -An orge and a princess! -Shrek, is this true? -Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm! -"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before. {Whimpers} {Crown gasping} -Well, uh, that explains a lot. -Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both! -No, no! -Shrek! -This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See? -No, let go of me! Shrek! -No! -Don't just stand there, you morons. -Get out of my way!

Fiona! Arrgh! -I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and quartered! -You'll beg for death to save you! -No, Shrek! -And as for you, my wife, -Fiona! -I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days! -I'm king! {Whistles} -I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah! -Aah! -All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it. {Roars} -I'm a donkey on the edge! {Belches} -Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they? {Cheering} -Go ahead, Shrek. -Uh, Fiona? -Yes, Shrek? -I - - I love you. -Really? -Really, really. - I love you too. -Aawww! -"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true form." -"Take love's true form. Take love's true form." -Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right? -Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful. -But you ARE beautiful. {Chuckles} -I was hoping this would be a happy ending. I thought love was only true in fairy tales Oy! Meant for someone else but not for me Love was out to get me That's the way it seemed Disappointment haunted all my dreams And then I saw her face Now I'm a believer and not a trace Of doubt in my mind I'm in love Ooh-aah I'm a believer I couldn't leave her If I tried -God bless us, every one. Come on, y'all! Then I saw her face Ha-ha Now I'm a believer Listen! Not a trace Of doubt in my mind I'm in love Ooh-aah I'm a believer I couldn't leave her if I tried -Ooh! -Uh! Then I saw her face Now I'm a believer Hey! Not a trace Uhh! Yeah. Of doubt in my mind -One more time! I'm in love I'm a believer Come on! I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, hey Y'all sing it with me! I Believe I believe People in the back! I believe I'm a believer I believe I believe I believe I believe {Hysterical laughing} -Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh. -I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I believe in self-assertion Destiny or a slight diversion Now it seems I've got my head on straight I'm a freak an apparition Seems I've made the right decision To try to turn back now it might be too late Now I want to stay home today Don't wanna go out If anyone comes to play Gonna get thrown out I wanna stay home today Don't want no company No way Yeah, yeah, yeah I wanna be a millionaire someday But know what it feels like to give it away Watch me march to the beat of my own drum And it's off to the moon and then back again Same old day Same situation My happiness rears back as if to say I wanna stay home today Don't wanna go out If anyone comes to play Gonna get thrown out I wanna stay home today Don't want no company No way Yeah, yeah, yeah I wanna stay home, stay home, stay home......... I get such a thrill when you look in my eyes My heart skips a beat Girl, I feel so alive Please tell me, baby, if all this is true 'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was you Oh-oh-oh Makes me wanna dance Oh-oh-oh It's a new romance Oh-oh-oh I look into your eyes Oh-oh-oh The best years of our lives When we first met I could hardly believe The things that would happen and we could achieve So let's be together for all of our time Oh, girl, I'm so thankful that you are still mine You always consider me like an ugly duckling And treat me like a Nostradamus was why I had to get my shine on I break a little something to keep my mind on 'Cause you had my mind gone Eh-eh, eh-eh, eh-eh Turn the lights on, Come on, baby Let's just rewind the song 'Cause all I want to do is make the rest years the best years All night long Oh-oh-oh Makes me wanna dance Makes me wanna dance Oh-oh-oh It's a new romance It's a new romance Oh-oh-oh I look into your eyes Oh, yeah, yeah I look into your eyes Oh-oh-oh The best years of our lives Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.............. Everything looks bright Standing in your light Everything feels right What's left is out of sight What's a girl

to do I'm telling you You're on my mind I wanna be with you 'Cause when you're standin' next to me It's like wow And all your kisses seem to set me free It's like wow And when we touch it's such a rush I can't get enough It's like- - It's like Ooh-ooh Hey, what It's like wow Ooh-ooh, hey Hey, yeah It's like wow Everything is looking right now, right now It's like wow And I got this feeling This feeling it's just like wow It's just like wow You are all I'm thinking of. Like wow Everything feels right Everything feels right Like wow Everything looks bright All my senses are right Like wow Everything feels right Baby, baby, baby the way I'm feeling you Is like wow There is something that I see In the way you look at me There's a smile There's a truth In your eyes What an unexpected way On this unexpected day Could it be This is where I belong It is you I have loved All long There's no more mystery It is finally clear to me You're the home my heart's searched for So long It is you I have loved All long Whoa, over and over I'm filled with emotion As I look Into your perfect face

i don't think you guys understand how much i've suffered

#long post

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aion-rsa · 4 years ago

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Hulu New Releases: April 2021

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While the first day of spring technically belongs to March, everyone knows that it kicks into high gear in April. To celebrate the changing of the seasons, Hulu is finally bringing back its signature original series for April 2021.

Season 4 of the multiple Emmy award-winning The Handmaid’s Tale premieres on April 28. It’s been awhile since we’ve seen June and her dystopian world. In fact, it’s been so long that our own world decided to endure its own dystopian pandemic in the meantime. Hopefully this series’ return will mean we can keep our political and social collapses on television where they belong.

Aside from The Handmaid’s Tale, Hulu isn’t brining much else to the table in terms of originals this month. Thankfully, the one other original that Hulu has in store for April sounds completely righteous. Sasquatch, the latest docuseries from the Duplass brothers producing team, will cover exactly what the title promises. This three-part series heads off to the Pacific Northwest for a tale about an elicit pot farm and the possibility that three men were viciously murdered by Big Foot on it. Sign us up!

Library titles for Hulu in April 2021 are also pretty thin. But April 1 does feature the arrival Mad Max (1980) and Die Hard (1988). Then April 28 sees the arrival of…well, Arrival (2016). Those aren’t bad streaming options in case the weather in April decides to not be spring-like.

Hulu New Releases – April 2021

April 1 Amy Schumer Learns to Cook: Complete Season 1 (Food Network) Caribbean Life: Complete Seasons 18 & 19 (HGTV) Chopped: Complete Season 44 (Food Network) Chopped Sweets: Complete Season 1 (Food Network) Christina On The Coast: Complete Season 2 (HGTV) Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives: Complete Seasons 34 & 35 (Food Network) Doubling Down with the Derricos: Complete Season 1 (TLC) Extreme Makeover: Home Edition: Complete Season 1 (HGTV) Guy’s Grocery Games: Complete Season 22 (Food Network) Naked and Afraid XL: Complete Season 6 (Discovery) Say Yes to the Dress: Complete Season 19 (TLC) Tournament of Champions: Complete Season 1 (Food Network) Undercover Billionaire: Complete Season 1 (Discovery) UniKitty: Complete Season 3 (Cartoon Network) Vegas Chef Prizefight: Complete Season 1 (Food Network) Worst Cooks in America: Complete Season 18 (Food Network) Higurashi: When They Cry: Season 1, Epsiodes 1-12 (DUBBED) (Funimation) 2012 (2009) 28 Days Later (2003) A Hologram for the King (2016) A Low Down Dirty Shame (1994) A Simple Plan (1998) The Abyss (1989) Before We Go (2015) Bug (2007) Bulworth (1998) Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid (1969) Captain Kronos: Vampire Hunter (1974) Changing Lanes (2002) Chappaquiddick (2017) Chato’s Land (1972) Cheech & Chong’s Still Smokin’ (1983) Cohen and Tate (1989) The Color Purple (1985) The Dead Zone (1983) The Devil’s Double (2011) Devil in a Blue Dress (1995) Die Hard (1988) Die Hard With A Vengeance (1995) Dirty Rotten Scoundrels (1988) Dude, Where’s My Car? (2000) Four Weddings and a Funeral (1994) Frankie & Alice (2014) Friends With Benefits (2011) Garden State (2004) The Gift (2000) Girl with a Pearl Earring (2003) Guess Who (2005) Hancock (2008) The Hunting Party (1971) In The Mix (2005) Into the Arms of Strangers: Stories of the Kindertransport (2000) Lady in a Cage (1964) Larry The Cable Guy: Health Inspector (2006) Life Of Crime (2014) Live Free Or Die Hard (2007) Mad Max (1980) Madea Goes To Jail (Theatrical Feature) (2009) The Man Who Could Cheat Death (1959) The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance (1962) Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World (2004) Monster’s Ball (2001) Motel Hell (1980) Napoleon Dynamite (2004) Never Back Down (2008) New in Town (2009) Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian (2009) The Out-Of-Towners (1999) The Pawnbroker (1964) Platoon (1986) The Polar Express (2004) The Preacher’s Wife (1996) The Program (1993) Ramona and Beezus (2009) The Replacement Killers (1998) Rio (2011) The Sandlot (1993) Scary Movie 4 (2006) Sex And The City (2008) Sex And The City 2 (2010) Shaft (2000) Shrek 2 (2002) The Skull (1965) Sleeping With The Enemy (1991) Sliver (1993) So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993) Star Trek: Generations (1994) Step Up Revolution (2012) The Sum of All Fears (2002) That Thing You Do! (1996) The Upside (2017) Vanilla Sky (2001) Virtuosity (1995) Waiting to Exhale (1995) War (2007) Warriors of Virtue (1997) What About Bob? (1991) Where the Heart Is (2000) Young Sherlock Holmes (1985)

April 2 WEWORK: OR THE MAKING AND BREAKING OF A $47 BILLION UNICORN : Documentary Premiere (Hulu Original) Law & Order: Organized Crime: Series Premiere (NBC) Manifest: Season 3 Premiere (NBC) The Moody’s: Season 2 Finale (Fox) Real Housewives of New York City: Complete Season 12 (Bravo)

April 3 Hysterical: Series Premiere (FX) Blair Witch (2016)

April 5 Girl (2020)

April 7 Our Last Crusade or the Rise of a New World: Season 1, Epsiodes 1-12 (DUBBED) (Funimation)

April 8 Home Economics: Series Premiere (ABC)

April 9 Everything’s Gonna Be Okay: Season 2 Premiere (Freeform) Rebel: Series Premiere (ABC) The Standard (2020) Stars Fell on Alabama (2021)

April 10 The Day I Became a God: Season 1, Epsiodes 1-12 (DUBBED) (Funimation) Desierto (2015) Knuckledust (2020)

April 12 Paranormal Activity 4 (2012) Spontaneous (2020)

April 15 Real Housewives of Beverly Hills: Complete Season 10 (Bravo)

April 16 Fly Like A Girl (2020) Songbird (2020)

April 17 Modern Persuasion (2020) Thelma (2017)

April 20 Sasquatch: Documentary Series Premiere (Hulu Original)

April 21 Cruel Summer: Series Premiere (Freeform)

April 22 GRETA THUNBERG: A YEAR TO CHANGE THE WORLD: Documentary Premiere (PBS)

April 23 The Place of No Words (2020)

April 25 Wild Mountain Thyme (2021)

April 26 The Oscars Red Carpet Show: Special (ABC) The 93rd Oscars: Special (ABC)

April 28 The Handmaid’s Tale: Season 4 Premiere (Hulu Original) Arrival (2016)

April 30 The Judge (2014)

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Leaving Hulu – April 2021

April 27 Our Idiot Brother (2011)

April 30 50/50 (2011) 9 to 5 (1980) Affliction (1998) Article 99 (1992) Beloved (1998) Bloody Sunday (2002) Blow (2001) Body of Evidence (1993) Changing Lanes (2002) Chato’s Land (1972) Cocktail (1988) Cohen and Tate (1989) Crimes Of The Heart (1987) Damien – Omen II (1978) Devil in a Blue Dress (1995) Dirty Rotten Scoundrels (1988) The Dukes of Hazzard (2005) Escape from Alcatraz (1979) Everything Must Go (2011) Frankenstein and the Monster from Hell (1974) From Hell (2001) G.I. Jane (1997) Garfield (2004) Gargoyles: Wings of Darkness (2004) Happy Tears (2010) The Haunting In Connecticut (2009) The Haunting In Connecticut 2: Ghosts Of Georgia (2013) Hitman’s Run (1999) How Do You Know (2010) The Hunting Party (1971) The January Man (1989) Jennifer 8 (1992) Jumping The Broom (2011) The Last Waltz (1978) Mad Max (1980) Madea Goes To Jail (Theatrical Feature) (2009) Mafia! (Jane Austen’s) (1998) The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance (1962) Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World (2004) Motel Hell (1980) Mousehunt (1997) My Best Friend’S Girl (2008) Never Back Down (2008) Ninja Assassin (2009) The Omen (1976) (1976) Only God Forgives (2013) Percy Jackson & the Olympians: The Lightning Thief (2009) Platoon (1986) Pretty Woman (1990) The Prince Of Tides (1991) The Replacement Killers (1998) Sands of Iwo Jima (1950) Shaft (2000) The Shootist (1976) Sideways (2004) Strategic Air Command (1955) The Taking Of Pelham 1 2 3 (2009) Teresa’s Tattoo (1994) That Thing You Do! (1996) Two Weeks (2006) Waking Ned Devine (1998) Walking Tall (1973) Warriors of Virtue (1997) What About Bob? (1991) The Whole Nine Yards (2000) Wonder Boys (2000) X-Men Origins: Wolverine (2009) Young Adult (2011)

The post Hulu New Releases: April 2021 appeared first on Den of Geek.

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#aion-rsa #Den of Geek

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justanotherlifeff · 4 years ago

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Chapter 2

8 April 2316

Monday

Musutafu, Japan

You entered the classroom to find a certain tall black haired boy drilling an ash blonde for putting his feet on the desk. You personally never cared much about rules nor did you feel like poking a nose into people’s business was something that anyone should do, unlike Tenya Iida ofcourse. You knew that he would be aiming for the hero course in UA and to be fair, you certainly hoped to see him here again given that your only form of entertainment at Soumei was pissing him off. Yes, Iida was class president back in Soumei and let’s just say, you didn’t see eye to eye. Although you never full on bullied him like Ash blonde here. Infact, while you enjoyed pissing him off, you considered him as a friend even if being in the same class as him was sometimes a pain in the ass. “Remove your foot from that desk! Such an action is insulting to those who came to UA before us as well as the craftsmen who made the desk.” Iida argued. “Like I care. What middle school are you from, you extra?” Bakugou asked him in a rude tone. That’s when you noticed another student with mossy green hair had got in. He was staring at the bickering pair with a defeated look. “My name is Tenya Iida. I’m from Soumei private Academy.” Iida answered with pride. Ofcourse… Typical Iida… He just can’t see the insult that would come with that… “Soumei? A stuck up enlist then? I should blow you to bits.” Bakugou crackled. Even though you were enjoying the bickering, you decided that you should save your clueless classmate. “Sorry about him. He just cares about rules too much. He’s been on my back about how I wear my uniform for years.” you smiled apologetically at Bakugou as Iida tried to blow away whatever damage control you did by saying, “You’re awful! Do you even wish to become a hero? And (L/N)-kun, your shoes are absolutely inappropriate for school! Why would you wear sneakers to school?”. That’s what you get for trying to save him from blondie. “Iida-kun, give up already.” you told him with a teasing smile before he noticed the green haired boy and ran towards him.

Bakugou glared at the green haired kid for a while before looking back at you and asking, “Are you from Soumei too, extra?” with a frown. “You know, after standing up for you, I expected you to not call me an ‘extra’. You wound me mister!” you told him with, acting dramatically as if his words hurted you. “Oh I know you. You’re the villain kid. And you’re gonna teach me how to behave?” Bakugou sneered. That hit a nerve and all the light bulbs in the class shattered, making Bakugou startled for only a moment. You got yourself in control within moments and smiled at him before saying, “Sorry about that, my quirk's kinda annoying. By the way, come on dude! Lighten up! I know you didn’t mean any harm but that kinda hurted you know. I don’t want any trouble. Let’s get along okay?”. The boy tched in reply. That’s when Aizawa got into the dark classroom. “ (L/N), you can’t keep breaking the lights. Go to the Principal’s office and fill out a form for new lights. We will cut that from your part time job, again.” Aizawa told you firmly. “Yes sensei” you answered with a sigh before heading to the principal’s office.

When you came back, you found the other blonde kid from class waiting for you in an empty class. “(L/N)-kun, everyone’s gone to the grounds for a quirk test. Aizawa sensei asked me to wait for you to give you your uniform.” he told you with a confident smile. “Thank you! What’s your name?” I asked him with a smile. “I’m Kaminari Denki. But, you can call me Shrek, because I'm head ogre heels in love with you.” he answered with a flirty smile, winking at you. “Aside from scaring women away with shitty pickup lines, what do you do for a living?.” I chuckled at him. He dramatically put a hand on his chest before saying, "You wound me, (L/N)-chan. Besides, didn't you just improvise a pick-up line there?" as we headed towards the changing rooms. He had his uniform in his hands too. “Totally did my friend! While I can assure you that you're not my type, I can see that you're a man of culture and I henceforth declare you as my friend. Thanks for waiting!” I joked, pretending that my hand is a sword as I acted as if I just knighted him, making him laugh. "Well, atleast I scored a hot friend!" Denki shouted towards you as you got into the girl’s changing room.

“(L/N)-kun! How did you explode those bulbs?” a shorter brown haired girl approached you, her eyes sparkling in interest. “Yes, your quirk must be very powerful.” a tall black haired girl approached you as well. “I’m Yaoyorozu Momo. Nice to meet you” she bowed slightly with a smile on her face. “Oh right, sorry, I’m Uraraka Ochako. Nice to meet you!” the first girl remembered that she didn’t tell you her name. “It’s alright. I’m (L/N) (F/N). My quirk includes telekinesis. But, unlike the typical telekinesis, mine is in the molecular level. So, when I get any sudden emotion within me, my telekinesis activates and removes molecules from the most breakable things around. Glass molecules come apart more easily which is why they break. I don’t exactly explode them.” you explained my power to them. “I see. That’s impressive. I’m Ashido Mina! You should change quickly. We’ll wait for you.” a pink girl told you with a smile. “Thanks guys!” you answered before starting to change into the training uniform.

When you all arrived at the grounds, the boys were already there with Aizawa. You stood there with the girls as Aizawa explained how things in UA works. Denki saw you out there and approached you immediately. "Now that we are friends, would you introduce me to your hot female friends?" he whispered to you as if he was plotting something devious. "Oh no. I thought you liked me! Such betrayal!" you acted as if you were offended before laughing at your own antics with your new friend. "Well, come on then, let's get you introduced to the hot girls" you laughed as you introduced him to the group of women. While everyone else was pretty much freaked out by his downright flirting, Mina joined you into teasing him about it. After getting a scolding from Aizawa to shut everyone up, you watched upon with interest as he asked Bakugou, to pitch a ball. He used an explosion from his hand to throw the ball 705.2m away while shouting… “Die”? "He is one weird guy" you couldn't help but think. After that Aizawa went ahead to explain that anyone who scores the least would be expelled. He did expel people on their first day before so you hoped that your classmates would take him seriously. He then proceeded to explain why 21 students were admitted in Class 1A instead of 20, (apparantly the two lowest scorers got the same score in the entrance exam).

The event started with a 50 meter dash. You completed it in 1.23 second as you just opened a portal and crossed the finish line taking the highest score in class. Your middle school record was 7.58 seconds. Your strength test machine broke when you used telekinesis. Again, highest score in class. You used telekinesis to levitate during long jump, scoring highest again. You scored lowest in the repeated side step as there was no way to use your powers here. In the ball throw test, you opened a portal to the moon since you decided to learn the coordinates to a certain place in the moon knowing that doing something as flamboyant as this would certainly gain you a reputation and threw the ball in there. When the display read 384400 km, everyone was surprised. You could see the visible anger in Bakugou’s face as you beat him in almost all the tests. However, you weren’t the highest scorer in this one. Uraraka scored Infinity thanks to her quirk.

You were surprised when Aizawa didn’t expel anyone. Specially given that Mirodiya, as much as you found him extremely sweet, literally broke his finger when he tried to use his powers. You were the top scorer, which wasn’t much of a surprise. However, you discovered something during the test. Bakugou seems to hate Midoriya with a burning passion. While you figured out that Bakugou is pretty much an asshole, you sensed an enormous amount of inferiority complex within him. "He has a powerful quirk, more powerful than Midoriya but then, why did he feel like he was inferior to Midoriya?" was a thought that ran through your head. You honestly wouldn’t be bothered by complex people like them usually since you preferred to keep your life simple and fun, however, Bakugou was too explosive to ignore. He ranted on how Midoriya was quirkless before the ball throwing test. It seemed that they had a history and the way Bakugo acted made you interested in knowing. After all, it doesn’t hurt to know more about your classmates, right?

When class was over, you was headed to the teacher’s quarters. However, I was stopped by Denki and a red haired kid. “(L/N)-chan!” Denki shouted as he called you. You waited for him to catch up. “(L/N)-chan, are you busy now?” he asked. “No, not really. Why?” you asked him, confused. “We were going to try out the new cafe that opened nearby. You can stick along with us if you want to. I’m Kirishima Ejiro by the way. I heard you're already friends with Kaminari so I figured that we should go together?” the red haired boy explained. “Oh sure. Why not? I don't have much to do till my shift at the gym and that's not anytime soon.” you answered. “Damn, a working woman.. Now that's cool..” Denki praised in a flirtatious tone. “Yeah working is pretty manly!” Kirishima agreed enthusiastically. “I honestly would rather just stay at home and read a manga. I'm only working cause I gotta pay for all the damage I do to school property.” I sighed only to get reassuring looks from the two boys. "Aww get a sugar daddy, (Y/N)! I've been looking for a sugar mommy my entire life but I'm cursed with sheer good looks" Denki flicked his hair sarcastically. "Oh shut up you moron!" you answered rolling your eyes and flicking his forehead with a small pebble using your telekinesis, making Kirishima laugh at your antics as the three of you went for the cafe. And this is how, the infamous 'Bakusquad' unofficially started.

#bakugou katsuki #bnha bakugou #bakugo fluff #bnha #bnha fanfiction #bakugo x reader #bakugou ? reader #bnha x reader #bakugo katsuki #bakugou x reader #mha bakugou #bakugou fanfiction #bakugou × reader #bakugou fluff

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breadknight-likes-things · 4 years ago

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Bread’s Skate (?!) Journal 09/05/20: The Top 5 Best And Or Weirdest Tony Hawk Skaters.

Tony Hawk has always had secret skaters, and from Tony Hawk 2 and on, it's always had hyper bizarre secret characters. The first game had it's marquee character of Officer Dick who was....a cop. The second game? Spider-Man. With no further spoilers I think it's time to move down the list of the 5 best/weirdest secret characters that have ever been in Tony Hawk, because people, there have been some odd ones!

5. Shrek

Okay so the Shrek meme is a little played out at this point right? It's a weird movie, All-Star, Shrek is Love, we all know the memes. It's stuff like Shrek's inclusion in Tony Hawk's Undeground 2 that really makes the propagation of those memes possible though, because it makes zero sense to this day. Okay, so it actually makes a lot of sense, Shrek 2 was a huge hit and Activision was putting out the Shrek video games at the time, why wouldn't this seem like a natural idea to the marketing people? Throw Shrek into your skateboarding game! Why not?! Let me tell you though, even among all the other characters i'm about to get to on this list, Shrek looks wrong on a skateboard. He's simply too big, he looks like too much of a cartoon, it's too obvious his model is just ported in from another video game....he's just bizarre, and frankly he needs to get out of my swam-uh, Tony Hawk's Underground 2.

4. Wolverine

Not the only time a Marvel (or Disney Owned) character is going to appear on this list, let me assure you, but what the hell is Wolverine doing in Tony Hawk's Pro Skater 3 anyway? Like, I know Activision published X-Men stuff around the time but this is downright weird, hell you know what? Tony Hawk 3 has easily the weirdest guest cast of the entire franchise, I feel like this list will make that very clear. Wolverine is just the tip of the iceberg on this one! Needless to say though, Wolverine is cool as hell, and getting to skate around as him, especially him in his classic comic costume and not the leather jump suits of the movies at the time. Famously, Marvel and Tony Hawk had a little bit of a run there....damn I miss that. Wolverine may not have been the weirdest or most unexpected character from their roster in Tony Hawk, but he sure was a fun one!

3. Doom Guy

Yeah, Doom Guy. People don't often know about Doom Guy's inclusion Tony Hawk 3, because he was a PC exclusive character and who the hell played THPS3 on PC? In terms of character he's.....just Doom Guy. The Doom Marine, DOOM Slayer, whatever you want to call him, he's here. I used to not think of his inclusion as all that remarkable until one thing happened earlier this year. I found his damn skateboard in Doom Eternal. I've since come to the conclusion that Tony Hawk Pro Skater is in fact canon to the DOOM Slayer's journey through space and time battling demons and death at every turn. There was just a little break there where instead of chainsawing a baron of hell in half, he learned how to do a kick flip and took part in a skate competition in Rio De Janerio, Brazil. We all need some time off every once and awhile, I'm glad the DOOM Slayer got his.

2. Darth Maul

I did mention we weren't done with Disney characters right? Sure, Darth Maul wasn't a Disney character at the time of this games release, hell he wasn't a Disney character until after the Tony Hawk franchise was put on ice, but just think about these characters being used so freely in a Tony Hawk game compared to how they're treated now. Disney is so precious with their IP that even in their big celebration of Star Wars, Battlefront 2, they half ass all their celebrations to closely protect how their characters are portrayed, in a game that's supposed to be convincing you they're cool! Compare this to Darth Maul just being in a skateboarding game in 2001 and you couldn't have more different ways of doing things. Phantom Menace was two years old by the time of THPS3 but I know for a fact people still thought Darth Maul was cool as hell at that point in time. Hell, people still think he's cool. If there's one character safe from the cynical Star Wars group think, it's Maul. I happen to believe his sick ass ability to incorporate his double bladed lightsaber in his special move is the key to his continued popularity, but nobody will back me up on this!

1. Spider-Man

Who else was it gonna be? I challenge you, name one better guest character in any game ever. You've already failed, because there isn't one. Spider-Man in THPS2 blew 8 year old me's mind at the time. How could these two things possibly intermingle? The guy I watched scream at Shocker on Saturday mornings was in a video game that wasn't the official Spider-Man one? Was this allowed?! Looking back it's pretty easy to see how this one came about, considering Neversoft quite literally also developed that aforementioned Spider-Man game. Still though, it was huge to kid me! I got to skate around one of the most fun games ever made, as one of the best characters I had ever known?! He had a special move where he swung the board around with webs called "Does Whatever A Spider-Can" and I can remember it was the only special move I ever really cared to memorize how to do, because it was just so cool to me at the time! Though there's no confirmation as to if he isn't in the recent remakes somehow, I think we all know deep down those chances were zero from day one. The legacy lives on though, there's not a single person out there with fond memories of THPS2 that don't also have fond memories of skating around as Spider-Man, and that's the kind of memory that endures.

Honorable Mention: Kelly Slater

He's a pro surfer, his skateboard is a surfboard with wheels on the bottom.....he's maybe the actual weirdest character in the series, but he's not as fun to write about!

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actuallyrandomperson · 5 years ago

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My thoughts on the Sanders Sides Spotify playlists- Roman Edition!

Note: this is Purely me saying whether or not I like the songs, not theorising about any deeper meanings. I’ve done them all, so just click on the names to see my reactions to the others: Virgil, Patton, Logan, Janus

Impressions from looking through the playlist: so This One I can confidently say I know more of the songs from. At least, from the titles I do. It helps that I probably have the most personal overlap of music taste with Roman, judging by the titles I recognise sjdksk

1: ‘A Gay Disney Prince’, by Thomas Sanders, Jon Cozart. I have never heard of this song ever before, and don’t have any clue who the singers are. This song totally wasn’t on my ten hour playlist up until the moment I was playing said playlist in the kitchen while baking with my mother and it came up and I felt awkward by the innuendos at the start. And I absolutely hated it, can’t believe it was in this playlist at all. I do not know it word for word at all, and me mentioning in my schools lgbt+ club when it was released definitely didn’t result in a large majority of us bonding over our shared love of Thomas Sanders.

2: ‘Wonderboy’, by Tenacious D. I have mixed feelings on this song? Some part of me really liked it, but another really didn’t. I don’t know. I still added it to the 32 hour playlist though, as I figure I can remove it at some point in the future if that opinion eventually wins out. It was entertaining, at least!

3: ‘Disney Princess’, by Lewberger. Despite my enduring love for Keith and the rest of The Try Guys, I haven’t actually listened to that much Lewberger. This is obviously a fault that I will be remedying as soon as possible, as this song was hysterical. Obviously made it onto the 32 hour playlist, and also theres a tiny part of me getting excited over some of my faves interacting in a vague way even though I know that it’s not that unusual dhxkkdks

4: ‘Broadway, Here I Come!’, by the SMASH cast. I’ve never seen SMASH, but I liked this song! I like showtunes and songs from musicals a lot of the time, but I also only tend to listen to them when I’ve actually seen whatever they’re from, and I’m a poor 17 year old who can’t sing or act and can only slightly dance, so there’s not as many as there otherwise would be in my 32 hour playlist. This is on there now though!

5: ‘Hallelujah’, by Oh Wonder. I liked this! I expect I’ll be saying that a lot in this playlist ndjfjskdkd. I actually added it to my ten hour playlist!! Which will mean nothing to you if you haven’t read my other reactions so I recommend u go do that!! At least Patton’s/Virgil’s as they’re the ones completed at the time of writing this! Lmao

6: ‘Holding Out for a Hero’, by Bonnie Tyler. Have to say, as a gen z who grew up more with Shrek than Footloose, hearing the original version of this song was wild. I’ve heard it before, obviously, but I just. Hear this song in the fairy godmothers voice when I imagine it. This was added to the 32 hour playlist though!!

7: ‘If I Dare’, by Sara Bareilles. I’ve never seen Battle of the Sexes (unsurprisingly; I don’t watch many movies jdjdkkskw) but this song was cool! I wouldn’t purposefully seek it out in the future, but I liked it enough to put it on the 32 hour playlist so it’ll come around every now and again.

8: ‘Go the Distance’, by Roger Bart. This song highlighted the big, gaping hole in my 32 hour playlist which is the lack of music from Hercules. It’s literally my favourite Disney Renaissance film, why the fuck was the soundtrack not already in the 32 hour playlist??? It is now, don’t worry. Also, at the end of these I’m gonna be rechecking the length of both the 32 hour playlist and the 11 hour one and giving an updated total as I’ve only added 1 song so far to the 32 hour long on that wasn’t prompted by one of the songs in these playlists, and I doubt I’ll add any more, and adding all of the Hercules soundtrack + bonus tracks added another whole hour in of itself. There’s a r e a s o n this playlist has gotten so long shfjdjskxm

9: ‘Flamboyant’, by Dorian Electra. This is the first song of this playlist that I haven’t really liked, even including wonderboy. It didn’t make it onto either playlist, but I probably wouldn’t skip it if it comes up on a playlist in the future.

10: ‘Jumpstarted’, by Jukebox the Ghost. This was a bop! I often seem to like songs that jump all over the place a lil bit (see: my love of Tiny Love by MIKA and my newfound love of Be Calm by Fun.), and this one did just that! It made it to the 32 hour playlist 😄

11: ‘Brave New Girl’, Britney Spears. I mean. It’s Britney Spears. Do I need to say anything more? It’s been added to the 32 hour playlist.

12: ‘Every Boy’, by Miss Benny. If I tell y’all that ‘Boys will be Boys’ and ‘Little Game’ were the first two songs I ever added to the 32 hour playlist, I think you’ll know my feelings on this song. It’s the second first one that was already on said 32 hour playlist out of all the songs so far, and the only reason it’s not on the 10 hour one is I didn’t deem it ‘normal people music’ enough (which is the main criteria for said playlist as I play it around my fam)

13: ‘Primadonna’, by MARINA. This was a bop! I added it to the 32 hour playlist, but I don’t expect myself to specifically seek it out in the future. I did bop around to it a lil bit while lying down tho!!

14: ‘King’, by Years and Years. I didn’t recognise this song at first, but it hit the singing and I was like ‘oh!!’. It got added to the 32 hour playlist!! It’s a Bop!!!

15: ‘Cheap Queen’, by King Princess. The title and artist combination gave me a chuckle, and although I wasn’t foully sold on the song when it first started, I liked it enough by the end to add it to the 32 hour playlist. I feel like it’ll grow on me more as I hear it again in the future.

16: ‘Humility (feat. George Benson)’, by Gorillaz. My best friend was obsessed with Gorillaz when we first met, so I’ve heard a lot of their music (although this song wasn’t out back then). I liked it, and added it to the 32 hour playlist, but I probably wouldn’t seek it out specifically as I only slightly vibe with Gorillaz music

17: ‘Ain’t Got It Like That’, by Earl St Claire, PJ. I liked this, but not enough to add it to the 32 hour playlist. It was good, and I wouldn’t skip it in the future if it came up in a playlist, it just wasn’t my jam.

18: ‘Dreamer’, by LaPeer. I liked this as soon as it started, and that initial instinct proved correct! I added it to b o t h the 32 hour playlist and the ten hour one!!! I know!! It made me feel kinda soft and also the message in it is Important

19: ‘Paving the Runway (You’re Gonna Fly)’, by JJ Heller. This is another one I sensed myself liking as soon as it started, and I once again had good instincts! This one was even softer, but I liked it slightly less so it’s only on the 32 hour playlist.

20: ‘GO.’, by Keith Tutt II. This song immediately intrigued me, partially because I wasn’t initially even fully sure if it had started or if I was hearing things. I liked it, but wouldn’t specifically seek it out. It did make it into the 32 hour playlist though!!

Final Thoughts: What a shock, I liked the playlist filled with musicals and pop the most (so far)!! It’s a miracle!! It’s almost like I tend to like musicals and pop!! But yeah, I wasn’t surprised that most of this playlist fit into my music tastes. My favourite new song would probably be Dreamer, followed by Hallelujah. 18/20 got added (technically 16/20 as two were already there but u get me) to the 32 hour playlist and 2 to the 10 hour one.

@thatsthat24

#idk why i keep tagging thomas #i think im like ‘he’ll probably enjoy seeing reactions to the playlists’#even tho he probs wont actually see these #roman #roman sanders #sanders sides playlist #sanders sides #thomas sanders #sanders sides spotify #romans playlist #roman’s playlist #romans playlist reaction #roman’s playlist reaction #spotify #romans spotify #roman’s spotify

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libahunt-conspiracies · 6 years ago

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Chapter 19 Theories

Ok, there’s a lot to talk about with this chapter. A LOT happened and a lot is about to happen! That cliffhanger was killer, but leaves it open for a bunch of theories!

So Smiity got caught by a bunch of gnomes. That’ll be funny! I wonder what they’re gonna have to do in order to get Smiity’s body back. Creatures like that are super valuable to gnomes, so are they gonna have to pay the gnomes? What would gnomes accept as currency? Maybe they’ll have to trade something to get it back? I don’t think they’re gonna have to fight any gnomes for it, but I can see some of the guys getting impatient and threatening the gnomes. Maybe Smiity will be able to reconnect/merge with his body and the gnomes won’t want him anymore. Hopefully they won’t decide to kill Smiity once his body has a soul again and is, most likely, worthless. I imagine Smiity will shut down for a little bit as he processes all of his memories. I wonder what he’s gonna remember? I can’t wait to have Smiity be able to tell everyone about the secret evil meeting he got caught eavesdropping on. What if Smiity gets trapped in whatever case his body’s in and develops claustrophobia as a result? He wouldn’t be used to being confined by anything. Plus, we’d get some cute Krii7y as a result!

Delirious is a special bitten-werewolf case. Most turned werewolves go insane or die between two months and a year of being turned. Brock said that every turned werewolf has to make a choice between starving to death or losing themselves their instincts. Delirious is special because he hasn’t gone insane yet. I think that Delirious did make his choice. He chose to starve to death; Cartoonz just happened to find him before he could die. Cartoonz mentioned that Delirious refused to really hunt and cried when he killed a rabbit. Maybe that’s why he hasn’t easily lost it yet. Maybe because he’s gotten help and now almost has a pack of his own he won’t fall down the same path as other bitten-werewolves. Maybe he’s just on the edge of going insane. Cartoonz mentioned that Delirious has power like he’s never seen before, and that Del could be devastating if he lost control of it. Maybe that’s what would happen if Delirious went insane? Maybe that destructive power and lack of control is what gave him the name “Delirious”. So far, it only seems like that power comes out when Del has to protect the people he cares about.

Grigori knows who the Phoenix is. The three vampires knew who they were targeting. The group still doesn’t know that Mini’s the Phoenix, but Grigori knows, and that’s even more dangerous. Mini’s gonna have the biggest target on his back now, and he has no idea why. This encounter has probably proven Brock’s theory correct, and he’s not happy about it.

Mini is able to give Tyler a power boost. Is that something that can only happen for the Phoenix Knight or can Mini boost anyone? It seems like Mini is getting weaker after each time he uses his powers. Is that because of the ward hiding him, or is that just a Phoenix thing in general? If he keeps using his powers like this will Mini end up killing himself? I’m thinking Mini’s powers are based on his emotions. It seems like whenever he gets worked up about something or someone he’s able to use his powers.

After Tyler beat all three vamps (which was really fucking badass!) he was attacked by a black smoke thing. Mini’s power boost also went away after the vampires went down. What is this black smoke thing? Maybe it’s some kind of combination/hybrid monster that was controlled by the vampires? Since the vampires are now dead, maybe it’s able to go crazy and do whatever it wants. Or maybe the smoke thing is a gnome trap to keep people out (insert Shrek “Get outta my swamp!” joke here). Maybe the smoke thing is controlled by Grigori. Maybe Grigori himself is coming down to get the Phoenix. Or this smoke thing is just what Grigori’s using as a vessel on earth and he’s still up with the Celestial Council.

How is Tyler going to get out of this? He can’t get out himself, though he’s really trying. The other team is off who knows where, and there’s no way they’ll be able to get to Tyler’s group fast enough to help. Maybe Delirious will be able to make it back to them? But we don’t know how far he had to run away for their plan. Brock might be able to help, but he doesn’t have many offensive powers because he’s a Defense Hunter. And Evan’s human; he won’t be able to help in this situation. So maybe this is when we get to see the Phoenix’s offensive capabilities! Maybe Mini freaks out and uses his powers without thinking. Mini spontaneously combusts; he is so angry at this turn of events he actually lights himself on fire. He forgets about how tired he is and goes to town on the smoke thing attacking Tyler. If the smoke thing is actually a vessel for Grigori, maybe they hear him laugh because now he knows exactly who the Phoenix and Phoenix Knight are, and where to find them. He vanishes, promising to be back and stronger than before. Maybe Craig doesn’t know how to turn off his powers and Tyler has to help cut them off. After using his powers twice in a row, Mini is completely drained and passes out. Everyone turns to Brock for an explanation. Brock promises to explain his theory once they’ve all regrouped (he REALLY doesn’t want to explain this twice).

What if Del comes back to help and gets caught too? And then the same thing happens to Brock when Brock tries protecting Evan and Mini. Maybe it’s when Evan then stands up to protect Craig that Mini’s powers activate again. He’s so done with people sacrificing themselves to protect him, so this time he’ll protect them. He may be a damsel and he may be in distress, but this time, he’s got it. Mini gets up, grabs his bat, and beats the shit out of whatever’s hurting his friends.

Meanwhile, while all of this is going on, Ohm’s group has found the gnomes that have Smiity’s body. They have to go through all the shenanigans to get it back. Eventually they retrieve Smit’s body and head back to their rendezvous point. They grumble and complain about how Tyler and group didn’t show up to help them (mostly Brian and Cartoonz complaining). Tyler’s group shows up and they’re met with, “Where the hell have you guys been? Would’ve been nice to have your help when dealing with the gnomes!” etc. etc. Then they take a closer look at Tyler’s group. “What the hell happened to you guys??” Brock sighs in a, ‘I really don’t want to do this’ way, “Better get comfortable, cause this is a long story.”

You know, someday I’ll actually get these theories done before saturday. Sorry for the really late theories!! I promise I have not read chapter 20 before writing these, so I have no idea what’s gonna actually happen. My new year’s resolution is going to be to get these done by wednesday at the latest! Chapter 19 was amazing, even if the cliffhanger was physically painful lol. I can’t wait to read 20! Thank you Crim for such an amazing story! I can’t wait to see where it goes!

@crimsonbluemoon

#submission #libahunt #super late theories #chapter 19 #sorry for being late!!#i'll be better in the future!#about to read chapter 20 #really excited!!!#go spam Crim with love!!#1sunnydaze0

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suburban-satan · 6 years ago

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shit my friends say

So I made a list of all the wild shit my friends say, started in January 2018 and still going. It's one year old I guess? Well, enjoy what I have so far!

2018 -d a d d y w i s e -well there’s chains on the ground so that must mean this was a kinky sex dungeon -GORSH MICKEY NOT MY G SPOT -I can wait until I turn 40 so I can troll Japanese Girls on roblox -what if we all looked like mike wizowski but our heads were the same size as they are now -I wanna give pot to a bird -I take pills without water -daddies cummie wummies are the best cummie wummies -enjoy your nonexistent stomach acid -cum glaze -I hope you choke on MY meat -who hasn’t been on pornhub -(wipes tears away and starts belting despacito) -MY GAY IS BEING TRIGGERED -that omelet looks delouse -is semen a liquid or solid -iTs nOt aQuaNauTs yOu uNculTurEd fOoK -vaginas are scary -what is menstruation -you should change your name to pussy something -my gay has been activated -“have you ever owned a vibrator?” “No” “would you like to rent one” -“do you like glazed or cream filled” -wHaT dOeS cUm sOuNd LiKe -he is on too much fertilizer -sometimes cum is hot I know from experience -if you jerked off at the speed of sound would your dick be on fire -I don’t have a sonic fetish -can your dick ignite because of the heat of your cock -aren’t dicks like cannons -who the fuck draws a glowing peepee on a skeleton -honey Freddy freaker is dancing in the living room -does penis smell like garlic -she don’t swallow in this household -*downloading garrison nudes* -don’t you realize that tentacle porn is just using octopus arms as a dildo -frickle my nipples -Minecraft porn consists of the male genitalia replaced with a stick -OOPSIE WOOPSIE!! Uwu We make a fucky wucky!! A wittle fucko boingo! The code monkeys at our headquarters are working VEWY HAWD to fix this! -“I’m big for an asian” -cockilicous -“His anal glands need milking” -fready flipper -FREADY FAPPER -daddy better make me choke -does Freddy freaker have a mutated alien dick -sonic breaks the sound barrier by beating his meat -the sun looks like it’s gon vore you -bootyhole exploration -is megalovania sex music -i like to drink cock -cum is just genital snot -penis musk -Shid piz and farbt -Bull + shit = sis it don’t add up -Hey don’t tell me at least once in your life you haven’t thought about being gently caressed across the genitalia by the kraken -I swallow boba like i swallow cum -I wuv fungus kun, the way he waps a awond my tosie wosies so tight! He’s gibing me a huggie!!!! Fungus kun gibes my tosies a new color too!!!! Wat a good fungus kun make my doki doki go “ UAU” heeheehee -eating banana with the banana peel -orang juce -father I want cheddar -don’t you just look at someone and think about how long their neck is -breathing is just boneless vaping -get outta here juuling criminal -yall ever succ a dick for juul pods -unironically drawing miss piggy -“Jack don’t let go 😱🤭🤭, jack sweetie 😐👀 if you let go 🙊🙈 you’re weave 🙀🙀 gone 😇😘💅” -I've been watching spooky movies for 5 hour -omg it’s daddy sans undertaker!!! -bröther -I ate my sister -are you'd's't've kidding me? -oh youtube please don't show me the shrek movies rn -My brother is calling me out on the family group chat for eating a bowl of peanut butter -Hamilton is best girl -get outta here you fuckin loyalist -what doesn’t cum have -drink flex seal and you won’t have to worry about a marriage -I feel water. -“Superfood or supergross? Is Sperm good?” -coochie hands gucci bands -just imagine trying to cast a spell and then you get disturbed by a banjo -toto africa is sex music now and everytime they say rain it’s just cum -y'all ever burp in your mouth and exhale it through your nose like a vaper -how dare them make my green senpai an honorable member of society -If you didn’t search big boobs video on google at least once are you really a Gen Z kid????? -laugh pussies -i’m watching the history of japan on pornhub -we have the same name because we are secretly the same person -what if you eat your phone and it’s all in your tummy -why would you ever think i’m not serious all the time you silly dragon but we’re both (my name) so we can be the silly dragon together -why would you wash your face before you go to bed when your tears wash it off for you *wooshing noises* -I want to drive a bus because I like busses -my shoe broke -why does everyone talk about the drugs i’m eating -i’m going to break her because she’s talking about smoking cocaine and I don’t like drugs -(stage whisper) metal heads live among us but we don’t know because they look like normal people -oh bye mr music teacher -the pussy? designer. cucci, if you will. -DID I HEAR S A N S P O R N -"i'm about to nay nay on your dead fucking corpse" -alert alert the toes are coming -you got a fucking problem with my 𝐩𝐢𝐬𝐬 𝐝𝐢𝐛𝐬? -imagine using an oven for something designed for a microwave this post was made by the doesnt have much motivation gang -Please take my Minnesotan snow Wait that sounds like Minnesotan cocaine -when you funny scream -"dating the Bill of Rights for fun" is now exactly how I'm going to describe my hyperfixations -the penguin from fruit loops is a twink (bitch its a toucan) -if white cheese exists is there black cheese -What’s rosum opossum -whale cum -dicko mode -(GETTIN SOME CHRISTMAS SPIRIT UP IN THAT PUSS) -pennies more like penis amirite -It’s Sunday don’t forget to squeeze cheese on the cat -the grinch is dr seuss’s fursona -everyone is gangster until the trees start speaking vietnamese -big chungus is my dad -“if the apocalypse happened what would you do” “eat bees” -I'm tired as fuck but I gotta wait until it's 4:20 to go to bed -mom: you need to be reasonable and wait two hours before having another brownie me, stuffing my mouth full of brownie: br o w n y s -This honey in whole foods is in fucking comic sans -it's more likely that I'll guess someone is gay before I remember the existence of women -im gonna say it again for the people in the back:

i eat bees -Thanos penis, it's actually called a thenis -yort -uwu its the mowst thorstiewst time of the yeaw uwu -It is I Teh gromc -The gronk is here to say eat all the dish soap in the house -the grinch but he's wearing crocs the entire time -answer my question or else i will establish sans porn -You make him doki doki uwaaaaa!!!! -birdbox but all the bird sounds are replaced by cardi b noises -THE GROMPK IS TOO POWERFUL -consume ocean sauce -square up in judge judys court -half consumes ocean sauce -ice juce -frick stick -you guys wanna read undertale fanfiction -2019- -it might be 2019 but thats not gonna stop me from terrorizing my family's groupchat -(pineapple voice) first date idea: digest eachother -Wait dennys will arrest you for doing illegal things?? -pls purify me -my toes are very succulent today -two succs having flex two succs having sex my muscles my muscles involuntarily checks -f u r r y , N a s h . -Perfect for all occasions! Spill something on your nice shirt, give a messy blowjob, and sphagetti!!! -Do you want cum on your nice shirt??? -it would be nice if i had cum on my shirt -cocc succ machine -I KNOW TONGUE JUTSU -I feel like i’m in a meat prison -hi you obese elephant -plant porn is just flowey porn -We all love the out of the box 4am messages we get -YOU LIKE SNAS PEEPEE

#shit my friends say #shitpost #please help me #sans #I guess???#theres a lot of sans sorry #too many about peepee #enjoy #please dont be offended #bees #thanos #so sorry

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personagf-moved · 6 years ago

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alphabet & soft questions ✨

I was tagged by my bb’s @prksjmiin (alphabet ask) and @joonieblossoms (soft ask) and i didn’t want to make two separate posts so im gonna apologize in advance bc i decided to stick both posts together :’) dkdkkdkd yall aint gotta read everything but if u do ily and im sorry i write novels on novels dlfksdkf

i’ll tag @koyasdad, @1ovegf, @joonlit, @sleepyyyoongs, @constellationstars and @capgi 💘

honestly feel free to do either one or both or none if u want dkkdkdkd i just wanted to tag u guys bc ily

Alphabet ask:

a // age: 21

b // birthplace: new jersey!

c // current time: 1:17 am

d // drink you had last: coffee

e // easiest person to talk to: my brother when he isnt being an absolute fool

f // favorite songs:

aint it fun - paramore

trivia love

honey - kehlani

abbey - mitski

moonlight - ariana grande

g // grossest memory: i was in the city one time and a bird shit on my forehead. i think about it at least twice a week

h // horror yes or horror no: H O R R O R Y E S B A B E E E Y Y Y Y Y Y Y im the absolute worst person i’ll dead ass watch a scary movie/video or read horror stories by myself just bc.

i // in love: with my whole ass soulmate namjoon. i luv u string bean man

j // jealous of people: im not even gonna try to lie i am a very jealous person and i am so sorry about it but i really cant help it lmfao. blame my scorpio venus i guess

k // kids of your own someday: when i say i have been thinking about this everyday.........! i wanna have it all i want the kids the white picket fence the dream house everything. i cant wait to be a mommy one day and love n support my bb’s :’)

l // love at first sight or should i walk by again: we a whole ass fool on main and believe in love at first sight!!!! i really do believe soulmates are a true thing and if a love is destined to be across an infinite span of lifetimes and universes then it will always find its way back. when you know, you know, and i genuinely believe that.

m // middle name: padilla

n // number of siblings: 1 older brother, 1 half brother (older), and 1 half sister (older)

o // one wish: to find true love

p // person you last called: my manager bc i had a work question lol

q // question you’re always asked: “why are you like this” (usually friends @ me when i wild out...which is like everyday), “are you mad?”, “how old are you REALLY?”, “how’s your brother?” (bc he ghosts all family n i have to speak on his behalf like always fsdfjksdf)

r // random fact about you: i once used a horrible bootleg copy of the force awakens to make a star wars crack video dubbing the part in shrek when he first meets donkey over the scene when rey first met bb-8 and it went viral and has like 200,000 notes and even had articles written about it. also i had a weird fascination with jar jar binks and danny devito when i was in high school and i had a habit of making either one of them my icon on school accounts so i could make people laugh when they emailed me or saw me in a word document skfkkkfkf

s // song you last sang: “abbey” by mitski :’(

t // time you woke up: exactly 10 this morning and it was weird bc i picked up my phone and it had JUST turned 10 when i looked i was so shook lol

u // underwear colour: she be black

v // vacation destination: paris bc im a basic bitch :’) also japan/all asian countries. i wanna connect with my roots more :/

w // worst habit: yeeting the fuck outta people’s lives when i think they’re getting too close/when i get overwhelmed. im sorry im a flighty bitch @ anyone i’ve ever ghosted :( i love anyone who’s ever tried to talk to me and its never ur fault, i just get the urge to escape sometimes and i’m trying to fix it

x // x-rays: omg @ tori dead ass me too tho, i had x-rays when i broke my arm when i was around 6 :o

y // your favorite food: my mom’s spaghetti! and sushi. also i love any and all filipino food but specifically i like nilaga and kare-kare oooo baby

z // zodiac sign: we’re a proud libra sun

Soft ask:

What’s the smell of your shampoo?

we got them fruity scents up in here we keep that shit smellin like a goddamn strawberry field take a fuckin whiff babes

What’s your aesthetic?

the moon and stars, soft pink and purple sunsets with a burning red on the horizon, sunrises as well, paintings and generally all art revolving around flowers and the celestial, pretty pastel pink and yellow, the sound and smell of rain falling against the window while being curled up in bed uwu

What’s your favorite time of the day and why?

lately it’s been night time. i generally get more creative and feel more at home during the night. i miss being a morning person tho.

What do you most like about the beach?

not a lot fklsjdjfkslkdflksdlkf i usually only go to get a tan and walk the boardwalk with my friends, but if i had it my way i would never step foot in the ocean for the rest of my life sdjdjdjdjsj we dont trust her!!!!!!!!!

What do you worry about constantly?

when i’m gonna figure out what i wanna do with my life lol. i took a year off to think about it but all i ended up doing was working myself to exhaustion and getting comfy in a work only mindset and now i’m only even more confused about what i want to pursue. i’m just glad im going to chicago next week because i feel like a change of setting for even just a week could give me a much needed reset on my mindset going into the next year. i worry about the future but the problem is i worry about the present too lol. oh well, we’ll figure it out!

What is a song you’ve cried to before?

oh boy...

trivia love

moonchild

first love

she used to be mine - waitress soundtrack

20 something - sza

26 - paramore

the letter - kehlani

landslide - fleetwood mac

when you see my friends - mayday parade

and many........many many more...... skskskks music is my main emotional outlet so naturally im gonna cry over anything that reflects my heart

What are some relaxing tips for your followers?

as The World’s Number One Most Stressed Out Human Being™️ i am definitely in no way fit to give advice on how to relax LMFAO

but i guess something that always works for me is putting on music i KNOW will make me sing a long or make me happy to distract me from the nerves i’m feeling. also putting on my favorite comfort movies to make me feel better (they’re big fish, scott pilgrim vs the world, and spirited away btw lol)

What are some things that make you tear up?

the ending of coco, seeing my mom cry, or anyone i love cry tbh, when children are neglected/abused, thinking about the world i’ll have to bring my future children into and how i’m going to be able to teach them to stay strong and bright in the face of it, lyrics that hit too close to home, absolutely anything tbh i cry easy

What is your favorite from each sense?

sight - the view of my cherry blossom tree against a pink sunset in the spring of my childhood home, a person’s eyes and how they light up when they smile, especially when they crinkle as they laugh

smell - the earth after rain, a forest in autumn

taste - my mom’s cooking, good coffee on an early morning

sound - beautiful melodies and harmonies to accompany them, a baby cooing, birds chirping at sunrise

touch - my pillow when its nice and cool, a cat’s tummy, a baby’s cheeks, fingers running through my hair

What is an alternative reality you’d like to live in?

one where im married to namjoon n we have a lot of smart musical prodigy babies who have his dopey smile and i live comfortably in our big ass home in korea where i raise our babies n get that good pipe down every night like i should

jk i wanna live in a reality where magic is real and i can cast spells and live my best life as the true witch that i am

What are some troubles you face on a daily basis?

for starters im ugly as shit so theres one

if we mean practically then i have really bad knees and i recently busted them again so its been really hard getting up and down stairs lately and bending over

but idk theres not really much. emotionally i just tend to get withdrawn and timid in public so it can be hard for me to speak up when i go out

What is one scene from a book that makes you really sad?

unfortunately i haven’t read as many books lately as i did when i was younger...so a lot of my memories are from books that i read like as a kid lol......THAT BEING SAID i think rue and finnick’s death in the hunger games was truly heartbreaking to read, the spine of my copies of both books have cracks on those pages bc i had to read it several times just to really believe it. also i thought it was written so heart wrenchingly well that i had to go back. also in looking for alaska when pudge, a man who loved to know people’s last words, realized that he would never know alaska’s last words. im also really thankful for that book bc it introduced me to wh auden’s poetry and to this day he’s still one of my favorite poets of all time.

Say something to your followers:

thank you thank you thank you thank you THANK YOU for following me and for some reason deciding to stay after how many times i act up on the daily. all jokes aside i really appreciate every single one of you no matter the number and i sincerely hope that you always have love and joy in your heart and that 2019 treats you well. i HONESTLY mean it when i say that i am always here if you guys want to talk or send me things or roast me or talk shit seriously i wanna hear it all and talk about it all i think all of you are so interesting and so beautiful and i’d love to get to know more about you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE YOU GUYS! yeet!

#this is soooo long im so sorry oh my god

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ceyrann · 3 years ago

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Honestly it's because of this that I EXPLICITLY put my age on my bio so that y'all know my age and y'all can decide if y'all wanna interact with me.

I've been interacting with adults ever since young (and young I mean around 10 years old onwards). I've participated in church activities and have been in groups with adults who are 20 years older than I am, and I call them friends. I still help out in church and still have them as friends.

One thing about having adult friends is that they really help you to see where you stand and help you in your growth.

Here I am gonna share my personal experience, which may include themes that may make people uncomfortable. Feel free to swipe away.

First, I have to state that I'm the eldest daughter and my mom is a single mother. Growing up without a father figure had been difficult and my mom really had a hard time bringing my brother and I up. The church played a huge role in our growth and this is why I'm attached to the community I am in. Different people have different experiences, but for me, I only have fond memories.

One of the friends I've made in church is with an accountant. I joined the multimedia group when I was 14 and I was the youngest there until 4 years ago. Not the main point. The main point is that she had been there to provide advice when I was wondering about my career path, being the middle person to tell my mom to allow me to go on a trip alone to another state, treating me food, fetching me around for group gatherings, inviting my family and I for meals, giving gifts and all when I entered university and when I entered the working world, taught me how tax is and how to do them, and many more. Her sister is a lawyer and have helped us when we encountered legal problems and the above I've mentioned. These two ladies and their mother have been sweethearts and I just love and appreciate them so much. They're more than 20 years older than me btw.

When my dad passed away, the priest of the church got to know about our situation and helped us out. When my mom had to attend meetings at night and there were no one to look after my brother and I (when we were both 5yo and 9yo), she would sometimes ask the priest or the nun in the church to watch over us. I still remember the first movie I watched in theaters was Shrek 2 when I was 9, and the priest was the one who brought us to watch it. He really liked my brother and my brother saw a dad in him. When this priest was transferred to another church, my brother tried befriending the new priest but uhhhh it didn't end up friendly lol. Not the point. This priest has also helped other families that were in trouble so it's not only us. But the helping hand he extended definitely played a huge part in our lives.

Another person that played a huge part in my growth is another guy from church. I don't know how to put this into words because of how much I liked him. Not sure whether it's romantically or not. In case someone say anything about grooming, he definitely did not. He immediately kept a distance from me when he knew I was interested in him without explicitly saying anything to hurt me. And for this, I really appreciate how kind he was, and still is. I don't think I could put into words how much he helped me throughout my time of lost, but I really am thankful for him.

There are actually more adults during my growing up phase that have helped me in various aspects, that have made me to who I am today.

Sure, I do... Uhh... Radiate young and chaotic energy on Tumblr, and in real life, I am chaotic as well lmAO. But my friends know that I still am one stable and grounded individual who knows where she stands. Their parents like me because I know what I stand by, how I bring myself, and they generally feel comfortable and safe when their kids hang out with me.

Maturity isn't something shallow. It's something that is engraved in your bones with the experience you've gained throughout the years, and is reflected by your action and words, especially when you hold yourself accountable over what you've done.

Being friends with adults really opens up a lot of things about life, and they do help you see the various sides of things, and how you can maneuver across the seas of confusion.

Personally, I'm just glad that I've met so many helpful adults to allow myself to grow to who I am today. Sure, I'm not the best, but I'm definitely not the worst and I still have the leverage to help other people. Which is definitely a blessing. I find it a blessing to be able to pass the kindness I've received to other people who needs them, and I pray that this chain can continue on.

So yeah. Being friends with adult isn't inherently a bad thing. Personal opinion.

Just saw a very serious tumblr post refer to adults age 25+ as “older adults.” I am begging you kids to go outside and interact with diverse groups of people. Please. It’s for your own good.

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parkerspicedlatte · 6 years ago

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Reetz's Follower Celebration!!!!

Hey so im gonna play a game as a celebration for hitting 250 followers. The instructions are:

Send me a prompt number from below and the name of a FICTIONAL character

I will then have that character tell you his or her story of how that sentence came into a conversation

That's it. Simple as that. Send them to the ask box

I do mainly Marvel and Riverdale though my arm could be twisted to come up with some for a few other fandoms...

EXAPMPLE: Steve Rogers #6.... then wait for response!

#1:There is no way in hell you're giving me a tattoo, you drew a penis on me two weeks ago and its still wont go away

#2: Yeah no ive seen you naked before, you don't have half the bragging rights you think you have

#3: Oh don't you worry your pretty head, Im only here in case someone decides to get naked

#4: I heard a G note! WHERE'S MY EYELINER!!!

#5: That's because she's the equivalent of the twentieth time you've redone your eyeliner

#6: So he asked me which twin I thought he should date and apparently "the ugly one" was the wrong answer

#7: His four year old son asked him if he was PMSing after I told him that it just meant someone really liked chocolate. I didn't feel like explaining.

#8: Kay im not the one who got you pregnant so you either need to buy me a new bronzer or apologize

#9 He looks like the ugly step sister in Shrek...

#10: Sorry I gave my last damn to ___

#11: Just do what I do. No not that, no, you should definitely be wearing underwear

#12: Yah no his sex drive could power a small country...

#13: He thinks his wife is up in heaven with the aliens

#14: No, I'm just debating on whether or not to be offended by your previous statement

#15: Ewwww! He just gleeked on me!!!

#16: I smell burning hair

#17: Get him drunk. He's super cuddly when he's hung-over

#18: Oh no, she's starting to act like me

#19: Thank god they don't have your ugly nose

#20: He referred to his right arm as 'the brains' and to his left arm as 'the bronze'

#21: Im feeling a little Sam Pucket today

#22: How did you mistake the chicken nugget for a condom?

#23: I asked him to bring me my chap stick and he brought me a tampon....

#24: I'm so confused right now. You look like an anime about to join the black parade

#25: Who's Larry Stylinson and why is everyone talking about him?

tagging some I think are awesome people so hopefully this won't completely flop

@choke-me-sweet-pea @tomsfireheart @selixjammm @lushholland @lokiislowkeyhot @the-claire-bitch-project @marvelsswansong @newtlovesorder @underoospeter @pumpkinsandparker

love you guys <3

#follower celebration #250 #prompt #send me prompts #another-hopeless-daydreamer

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bestfluteninja · 6 years ago

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actual things my teachers have said, pt. 2

part 1 here

so, in honor of school about to start again, here’s my teacher quotes from second semester last year, my freshman year of high school. enjoy.

“Day one and you’re already undressing”

“I went to college for this”

“I’ve taught one person something today”

“He looks so loose and relaxed because he’s dead”

“There was this one pope who was a total prude”

“It’s called the Great Deflowering, and they just took all the penises off the statues”

“One student said, ‘do you think there’s this basket of stone penises in the Vatican?’”

“Oh, it’s like ‘pièce’ means ‘piece’ or something”

“Do you sleep in the salle à manger (dining room)? Only if you have a very sad life”

“I don’t know why I suddenly know your restroom schedule”

“I want to get up on a ladder and touch your hair. Still sounds weird”

“And then you have Columbus or Vasco de Gama’s little ship, which looks like it’s going to be eaten by the big ship”

“Let’s go metric, which we’re crazy for not using”

“When I pass on to whatever”

“You tempt my middle finger”

“Stop talking about my coworkers in a negative way. Or positive. Just stop.”

“I almost said a word I shouldn’t”

“Nachos aren’t happening without cheese”

“We are about to learn a new tense, which will shake the foundations of everything you know and love”

“Let’s make this nice and incriminating”

“Next year I’ll have to require students to get a tattoo of their password”

“Anybody else wanna criticize my decisions?”

“Hey. Hey! HEY!...have a good day”

“After announcements, I’m going to melt your faces off, so be ready”

“It’s magic time, kids”

“I have mad babysitting skills”

“You don’t go to all this effort if you have wheat just growing in your backyard”

“The Catholic Church was into destruction”

“You really don’t wanna write it down because then you’ll cry”

“Anyone wanna help me summon the dead?”

“My mother still tells me I should’ve been a lawyer”

“Rooms and stuff, oh yeah”

“That way, when he’s an old man, people can go ‘you’re old’ and he’ll be like ‘whaaa’“

“If you’re sitting there just tapping really hard, I don’t know what your aggression is”

“I wish I had autopilot”

“I won’t make you cry”

“There were some that considered that blasphemous. Heracy. Scientific heracy.”

“The access code is cookies18 because I’m surrounded by cookies and it’s 2018″

“Thumbs down is like ‘bro why’“

“Are you having fun in art class? Stop that”

“You all think you’re gang members now”

“Something French, woman! Get it together”

“We can be like Congress and have to have a talking stick”

“Here’s a dog with three stereotypes all at once”

“I am as serious as a heart attack”

“You don’t see many of those furry little creatures around here anymore. Except raccoons. They’re everywhere”

“It’s not politics if everyone agrees”

student: “I like your shoes” teacher: “thanks, they’re killing my feet”

“Focus less on witty comments”

“If we could just hang out, I’d, like, braid your hair”

“This guy with a stick, that can’t be good”

“Spent a little too much time in the harem, if you get my meaning”

“I really do try to find anything with singing and dancing camels”

“Another creepy clown, fantastic”

“Are those flower garlands, or are they chains?”

“Oh, how progressive, that you add Hindu women to your harem”

“Probably for the release death would bring”

“Easy with the f-bomb”

“I’m gonna go ahead and mark everyone absent just because I like to mess with the front office”

“That was a pretty good airplane”

“I got too deep in a book and forgot to make your test”

“This is for your cultural education” *shows Shia LaBoef*

“You don’t know why, but you know you hate them”

“This is a holdup, pow pow pow, give me all your money”

“Screaming is the same in every language”

“Satan scares me”

“I have nothing against turtlenecks, usually”

“420, blaze it. I shouldn’t have said that, it was inappropriate”

“If you don’t know basic computer skills, you’re just doomed”

“Attacked by many animals...I can just see him walking down the street going ‘oh god not again’“

“She’s preening you”

“We don’t do midterms in here cause they’re awful”

“I love praise”

“Everything is petit pois”

“Nobody can get through the French Revolution in a day and a half except me”

“Back when the History Channel had history”

“Everyone is like ‘oh I’m so nostalgic for the nineties’ and I’m like ‘burn it with fire’“

“Feel free to email me, I won’t respond”

“Don’t hurt each other”

“She looks like a jellyfish. No! That’s so cool! I love jellyfish!”

“I felt like lying on the floor and curling up in a ball”

“Laugh. Move on.”

“Your fort should be strong, to keep the Huns from invading”

“Why are you so smart right now?”

“I have all of her anxiety and none of her skill”

“Whatever will make my parents angriest”

“What’s happening, you animals?”

“Just fractions, nothing magical”

student: *drops ruler* teacher, deadpan: “why”

“Sooner or later that bell will ring and you’ll be like ‘yo what the heck’”

“Anytime there’s chanting, just be careful”

“There’s no mentions of prostitutes in the Jamaica letter”

“I like fire, so I might burn it”

“These are in your way just to distract you”

“Don’t build your expectations up too high”

“Oh, I had alcohol”

“I want to leave with both my kidneys, thanks”

“If you would take a town out of Alabama and put it here, that’s Fortville” (we live in Indiana)

“I’m gonna start dressing like a clown to get your guys’ attention”

“Everybody needs extra money in life”

“I don’t know if you guys know this, but an essential part of living is being able to breathe”

“I’m a popcorn-aholic”

“We’re gonna do an exercise in loving yourself real quick”

“I barely even go outside”

“It’ll be terrible. You’re gonna have nightmares”

“It is a vest with fake pockets and a cape attached”

“There are very few people who are not gifted in anything”

“Please let me retire”

“If the lottery plays out on Wednesday, I might be gone by Thursday”

“Then we burnish it with a wooden spoon because I’m too cheap to buy burnishers and a wooden spoon works”

“Be mindful of when you’re leaning up against cabinets. Or get shoved into them”

“I like to touch art. Not supposed to, but I like to”

“If you go to Canada, I need you to steal a stop sign”

“I always get excited but it’s always just you, being fantastic”

(a blade from our art project went missing) “I think there are three scenarios. One, someone dropped it and just refuses to acknowledge that they dropped something. Two, someone put it in their pocket to take it home and have..fun with it later. Three, someone.....ingested it”

“You don’t steal the blades during the demonstration. You steal them during class time, when nobody’s looking”

“God, it’s snowing again”

“Can you grow poppies? Yes. If you grow 10-20 acres, the authorities are probably gonna come talk to you”

“If you had the letters for that in scrabble, that’s the whole game right there”

“Oh, Gandhi, you’re name-dropping”

“Isn’t that dog staring into your soul?”

“I’m just impressed with anyone that can wear horizontal stripes”

“It won’t be fatal drowning”

“You can have the rest of the time to annoy each other”

“We’ll cover up the ‘attack teacher’ sign so you’re not scared of me anymore”

*chalk squeaks* “sorry, forgot to oil the chalk”

“I don’t wake up in the mornings and go ‘oh, themes’“

“I am not Harry Potter’s uncle”

“If I cared, I would’ve asked”

“That’s where the Bordeaux wine comes from. Not that you’d know that, right, kids?”

“They don’t care about your happiness”

“Kay cool do stuff”

“No, I will not allow that. You cannot just eat butter”

“If I were to buy a Japanese car and drive it into my mother’s driveway, that would probably be it. She’d go toward the light”

“Since that’s all so depressing, we’ll end with a taco dog”

“I am intellectually aware that there were days when the sun came out”

“I have to get paid for this”

“I just have under a thousand dollars in my bank account at all times”

“We are French two, we are a little better than second-grade writing level”

“If you have to ask me if it’s appropriate, it’s not”

“It’s plagiarism, 100%. Don’t even care”

“For God’s sake, people, indent your paragraphs”

“It’s Morgan Freeman and Matt Damion, what else do you need”

student: “banana” teacher: “good, jenna”

*sharp intake of breath*

“Join us on the dark side of Honors English”

*shows us stick figure* “look at this detail”

“Well, that’s just magical.” minute later: “never mind”

“I’ll try to come up with a Plan D”

“In India, they love cricket, whatever the heck cricket is”

“Before I buy Shrek 2 online”

“Next thing you throw, you’re gonna eat”

“Have I mentioned your guys’ grand prize? It’s absolutely nothing”

“Nowadays you just take a selfie. This is for you. Wink wink.”

“Hey guys, say bonjour to my mom”

“She says sit down and shut up”

“He’s my scapegoat, his mom said I could”

if you read all of these, i hope you were amused. i certainly was. all of these are completely real. if you feel like it, send me an ask with your favorites

#this took so long to type up #school #public school #mine #teacher quotes #funny #humor #if u reblog this youre the true mvp

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lesbiandisaster17 · 3 years ago

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{Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss. {Laughing} Like that's ever gonna happen. {Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes} What a load of - Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed She was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb In the shape of an "L" on her forehead The years start comin' and they don't stop comin' Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin' Didn't make sense not to live for fun Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb So much to do so much to see So what's wrong with takin' the backstreets You'll never know if you don't go You'll never shine if you don't glow Hey, now You're an all-star Get your game on, go play Hey, now You're a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin' stars break the mold It's a cool place and they say it gets colder You're bundled up now but wait till you get older But the meteor men beg to differ Judging by the hole in the satellite picture The ice we skate is gettin' pretty thin The water's getting warm so you might as well swim My world's on fire How 'bout yours That's the way I like it and I'll never get bored Hey, now, you're an all-star {Shouting} Get your game on, go play Hey, now You're a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin' stars break the mold {Belches} Go! Go! {Record Scratching} Go. Go.Go. Hey, now, you're an all-star Get your game on, go play Hey, now You're a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin' stars break the mold -Think it's in there? -All right. Let's get it! -Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you? -Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread. {Laughs} -Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint. Now, ogres - - They're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin. -No! -They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast. -Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya! {Gasping} -Right. {Roaring} {Shouting} {Roaring} {Whispers} This is the part where you run away. {Gasping} {Laughs} {Laughing} And stay out! "Wanted. Fairy tale creatures." {Sighs} {Man's voice} All right. This one's full. -Take it away! {Gasps} -Move it along. Come on! Get up! -Next! -Give me that! Your fiying days are over. That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next! -Get up! Come on! -Twenty pieces. {Thudding} -Sit down there! -Keep quiet! {Crying} -This cage is too small. -Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please! Give me another chance! -Oh, shut up. -Oh! -Next! -What have you got? -This little wooden puppet. -I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. -Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. -Father, please! Don't let them do this! -Help me! -Next! What have you got? -Well, I've got a talking donkey. {Grunts} -Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it. -Oh, go ahead, little fella. -Well? -Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - - -That's it. I've heard enough. Guards! -No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw. -Get her out of my sight. -No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk! {Gasps} -Hey! I can fly! -He can fly! -He can fly! -He can talk! -Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha! Oh-oh. {Grunts} -Seize him! -After him! He's getting away! {Grunts, Gasps} {Man} -Get him! This way! Turn! -You there. Orge! -Aye? -By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrest and transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility. -Oh, really? You and what army? {Gasps, Whimpering} {Chuckles} -Can I say something to you? -Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible! Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa! -Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards! They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that. -Oh, that's great. Really. -Man, it's good to be free. -Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm? -But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us. {Roaring} -Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks! You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - - {Mumbling} Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day. -Why are you following me? -I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all alone There's no one here beside me My promlems have all gone There's no one to deride me But you gotta heve friends - - -Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends. -Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest. -Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I? -Uh - - Really tall? -No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you? -Nope. -Really? -Really, really. -Oh. -Man, I like you. What's you name? -Uh, Shrek. -Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing. I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that? -That would be my home. -Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. -I guess you don't entertain much, do you? -I like my privacy. -You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence. -Can I stay with you? -Uh, what? -Can I stay with you, please? -Of course! -Really? -No. -Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please! -Okay! Okay! But one night only. -Ah! Thank you! -What are you - - No! No! -This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles. -Oh! -Where do, uh, I sleep? -Outside! -Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know. {Sniffles} -Here I go. -Good night. {Sighs} -I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside. I'm all alone There's no one here beside me {Bubbling} {Sighs} {Creaking} {Sighs} -I thought I told you to stay outside. -I'm outside. {Clattering} -Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? -It's not home, but it'll do just fune. -What a lovely bed. -Got ya. {Sniffs} I found some cheese. -Ow! {Grunts} -Blah! Awful stuff. -Is that you, Gorder? -How did you know? -Enough! What are you doing in my house? {Grunts} -Hey! {Snickers} -Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table. -Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken. -Huh? {Gusps} {Male voice} What? -I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I have to do get a little privacy? -Aah! -Oh, no. No! No! {Cackling} -What? -Quit it. -Don't push. {Squeaking} {Lows} - What are you doing in my swamp? {Echoing} Swamp! Swamp! Swamp! {Gasping} -Oh, dear! -Whoa! -All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey! -Quickly. Come on! -No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there. -Oh! {Sighs} -Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them. -Oh, gosh, no one invited us. -What? -We were forced to come here. -By who? -Lord Farquaad. -He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice. {Sighs} -All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is? {Murmuring} -Oh, I do. I know where he is. -Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all? -Me! Me! -Anyone? -Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me! {Sighs} -Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from! {Cheering} {Twittering} -Oh! You! You're comin' with me. - All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it! -On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek. -Hey. Oh, oh! -I can't wait to get on the road again. -What did I say about singing? -Can I whistle? -No. -Can I hum it? -All right, hum it. {Humming} {Grunts} {Whimpering} -That's enough. He's ready to talk. {Coughing} {Laughing} {Clears throat} -Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man! -You are a monster. -I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others? -Eat me!{Grunts} -I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll - - -No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons. -All right then. Who's hiding them? -Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man? -The muffin man? -The muffin man. -Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane? -Well, she's married to the muffin man. -The muffin man? -The muffin man! -She's married to the muffin man. {Door opens} -My lord! We found it. -Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in. {Man grunting} {Gasping} -Oh! -Magic mirror - - -Don't tell him anything! -No! {Ginerbread man whispers} -Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? -Well, technically you're not a king. -Uh, Thelonius. -You were saying? -What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one. All you have to do is marry a princess. -Go on. {Chuckles} -So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella. -Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White! -And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! -So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three? -Two! Two! -Three! Three! -Two! Two! -Three! -Three? One? {Shudders} Three? --Three! Pick number three, my lord! -Okay, okay, uh, number three! -Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona. If you like pina coladas And getting caught in the rain -Princess Fiona. If you're not into yoga -She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - - -But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night. -I'll do it. -Yes, but after sunset - - -Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king! Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament. -But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it. -So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle. -Uh-huh. That's the place. -Do you think maybe he's compensating for something? {Laughs} {Groans} -Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek. -Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry. -Hey, you! {Screams} -Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - - {Whimpering} {Sighs} {Whimpering, Groans} {Turnstile clatters} {Chuckles} {Sighs} -It's quiet. Too quiet. {Creaking} -Where is everybody? -Hey, look at this! {Clattering, whirring, clicking} Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town Here we have some rules Let us lay them down Don't make waves, stay in line And we'll get along fine DuLoc is perfect place Please keep off of the grass Shine your shoes, wipe your... face DuLoc is, DuLoc is DuLoc is perfect ...... place {Camera shutter clicks {Whirring} -Wow! Let's do that again! -No. No. No, no, no! No. {Trumpet fanfare} {Crowd cheering} -Brave knights. -You are the best and brightest in all the land. -Today one of you shall prove himself - - -All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom. -Sorry about that. {Cheering} -That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make. {Cheering} -Let the tournament begin! {Gasps} -Oh! -What is that? {Gasping} -It's hideous! -Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey. -Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named champion! Have it him! -Get him! -Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now. -Go ahead! Get him! -Can't we just settle this over a pint? -Kill the beast! -No? All right then. Come on! I don't give a damn about my reputation You're living in the past It's a new generation -Damn! {Whinnying} A girl can do what she wants to do And that's what I'm gonna do And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me Me, me, me -Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me! And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation Never said I wanted to improve my station -Ah! {Laughs} And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun -Yeah! And I don't have to please no one -The chair! Give him the chair! And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me Me, me, me Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me {Bell dings} {Cheering} {Laughs} -Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha! {Shrek laughs} {Crowd gasping, murmuring} -Shall I give the order, sir? -No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion! -What? -Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest. -Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back. -Your swamp? -Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures! {Crowd murmuring} -Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back. -Exactly the way it was? -Down to the last slime-covered toadstool. -And the squatters? -As good as gone. -What kind of quest? -Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place. -Is that about right? -Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk. -I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole orge trip. -Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you? -Uh, no, not really, no. -For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think. -Example? -Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions. -{Sniffs} They stink? -Yes - - No! -They make you cry? -No! -You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs. -No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. {Sighs} -Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers. -I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes. -You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious. -No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later. -Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet. -You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering. I'm on my way from misery to happiness today Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh I'm on my way from misery to happiness today Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh And everything that you receive up yonder Is what you give to me the day I wander I'm on my way I'm on my way I'm on my way -Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that? -You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's brimstone We must be getting close. -Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither. {Rumbling} -Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location. {Laughing} -Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers? -Oh, aye. -Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves. -Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves. -You know what I mean. -You can't tell me you're afraid of heights. -I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava! -Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time. -Really? -Really, really. -Okay, that makes me feel so much better. -Just keep moving. And don't look down. -Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't look down. {Gasps} -Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! -But you're already halfway. -But I know that half is safe! -Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back. -Shrek, no! Wait! -Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me? -Don't do that! -Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? -Oh, this? -Yes, that! -Yes? Yes, do it. Okay. {Screams} -No, Shrek! No! Stop it! -You said do it! I'm doin' it. -I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh! -That'll do, Donkey. That'll do. -Cool. -So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway? -Inside, waiting for us to rescue her. {Chuckles} -I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek. {Water dripping, wind howling} -You afraid? -No. -But - - - Shh. -Oh, good. Me neither. {Gasps} -'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that. {Gasps} -Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs. -Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess. -The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower. -What makes you think she'll be there? -I read it in a book once. -Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'. {Creacing} -I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it. -Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - - -Dragon! {Screams} {Gasps} {Roars} -Donkey, look out! {Screams} {Whimpering} -Got ya! {Roars} {Gasps} {Shouts} -Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! {Screaming} {Gasps} -Oh! Aah! Aah! {Gasping} {Crowls} -No. Oh, no, No! {Screams} -Oh, what large teeth you have. {Crowls} -I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - - (Coughs) -I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek! {Gasps} {Whimpering} -No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! {Groans, Sighs} {Vocalizing} -Oh! Oh! -Wake up! -What? -Are you Princess Fiona? -I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me. -Oh, that's nice. Now let's go! -But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment? -Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time. -Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed. -You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you? -Mm-hmm. {Screams, grunts} -But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something! -I don't think so. -Can I at least know the name of my champion? -Um, Shrek. -Sir Shrek. {Cleans throat} -I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude. -Thanks! {Roaring} -You didn't slay the dragon? -It's on my to-do list. Now come on! {Screams} -But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did. -Yeah, right before they burst into flame. -That's not the point. Oh! -Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there. -Well, I have to save my ass. -What kind of knight are you? -One of a kind. -Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned. {Laughs} -I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - - Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards - - I'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh! {Growls} {Roaring} {Gasps} -Hi, Princess! -It talks! -Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick. {Screams} {Screaming} -Oh! {Thuds} {Groans} {Roars} {Roaring} -Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon. {Fchoing} -Run! {Gasping} {Screaming} {Roaring} {Screams} {Roars} {Panting, sighs} {Whimpers} {Roars} -You did it! -You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful. You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. {Clears throat} -And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed? -I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed. -The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight. -Uh, no. -Why not? -I have helmet hair. -Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer. -No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st. -But how will you kiss me? -What? That wasn't in the job description. -Maybe it's a perk. -No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss. -Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love? -Well, yes. {Laughing} -You think Shrek is your true love! -What is so funny? -Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay? -Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your helmet. -Look. I really don't think this is a good idea. -Just take off the helmet. -I'm not going to. -Take ot off. -No! -Now! -Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness. -You- - You're a- - an orge. -Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming. -Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an orge. {Sighs} -Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you. -Then why didn't he come rescue me? -Good question. You should ask him that when we get there. -But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- - his pet. -So much for noble steed. -You're not making my job any easier. -I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here. -Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy. -You wouldn't dare. Put me down! -Ya comin', Donkey? -I'm right behind ya. -Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down! -Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten? -You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what happens when you find your - - Hey! {Sighs} -The sooner we get to DuLoc the better. -You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful! -And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like? -Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply. {Laughs} -I don't know. There are those who think little of him. -Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad. -Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow. -Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp? -No, that'll take longer. We can keep going. -But there's robbers in the woods. -Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good. -Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest. -I need to find somewhere to camp now! {Birds wings fluttering} {Grunting} -Hey! Over here. -Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess. -No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches. -Homey touches? Like what? {Crashing} -A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night. -You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will. -I said good night! -Shrek, What are you doing? {Laughs} -I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding. {Fire cracking} -And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah. -Hey, can you tell my future from these stars? -The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for. -I know you're making this up. -No, look. There he is, and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench. -That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots. -You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it. {Sighs} -Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway? -Our swamp? -You know, when we're through rescuing the princess. -We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my land. -You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out. -No, do ya think? -Are you hidin' something? -Never mind, Donkey. -Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it? -No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things. -Why don't you want to talk about it? -Why do you want to talk about it? -Why are you blocking? -I'm not blocking. -Oh, yes, you are. -Donkey, I'm warning you. -Who you trying to keep out? -Everyone! Okay? -Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere. -Oh! For the love of Pete! -What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway? -Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone. -You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly orge. -Yeah, I know. -So, uh, are there any donkeys up there? -Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying. -Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there? -That's the moon. -Oh, okay. {Orchestra} {Dulcimer} -Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess. -Hmph. -Ah. Perfect. {Inhales} {Snoring} {Vocalizing} {Whistling} {Sizzling} {Sniffs, yawns} -Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that. --Come on, baby. I said I like it. -Donkey, wake up. -Huh? What? -Wake up. -What? -Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs? -Good morning, Princess! -What's all this about? -You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me. -Uh, thanks. {Sniffs} -Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us. {Belches} -Shrek! -What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs} -Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess. {Belches} -Thanks. -She's as nasty as you are. -{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected. -Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them. {Vocalizing} -La liberte! Hey! -Princess! {Laughs} -What are you doing? -Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from this green - - {Kissing sounds} -beast. -Hey! -That's my princess! Go find you own! -Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here? -Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are! -Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry Men. {Laughs} {Accordion} Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo. I steal from the rich and give to the needy. He takes a wee percentage, But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damsels Man, I'm good What a guy, Monsieur Hood Break it down I like an honest fight and a saucy little maid What he's basically saying is he likes to get - - Paid So When an orge in the bush grabs a lady by the tush That's bad That's bad When a beauty's with a beast it makes me awfully mad He's mad He's really, really mad I'll take my blade and ram it through your heart Keep your eyes on me, boys 'cause I'm about to start {Grunts, Groans} {Karate Yell} {Merry Men Gasping} {Panting} -Man, that was annoying! -Oh, you little- - {Karate Yell} {Accordion} {Shouting, groaning} {Chuckles} -Uh, shall we? -Hold the phone. {Grunts} Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from? -What? -That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that? -Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt! -What? Oh, would you look at that? -Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry. -Why? What's wrong? -Shrek's hurt. -Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die. -Donkey, I'm okay. -You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich? -Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns. -Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light! -{Both} Donkey! -Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns. -What are the flowers for? -For getting rid of Donkey. -Ah. -Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out. -Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'. -I'm sorry, but it has to come out. -No, it's tender. -Now, hold on. -What you're doing is the opposite of help. -Don't move. -Look, time out. -Would you - - {Grunts} -Okay. What do you propose we do? -Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns. -Ow! -Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'! -Ow! Not good. -Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head. {Grunts} -It's just about - - -Ow! Ohh! -Ahem. -Nothing happend. We were just, uh - - -Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay? -Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- - Ugh! -Ow! -Hey, what's that? {Nervous chickle} -That's- - Is that blood? {Sighs} {Bird chirping} {Grunts} My beloved monster and me We go everywhere together Wearin' a raincoat that has four sleeves Gets us through all kinds of weather -Aah! She will always be the only thing That comes between me and the awful sting That comes from living in a world that's so damn mean {Croaks} Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh -Hey! La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la {Both laughing} La-la, la-la, la-la -There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you. -That's DuLoc? -Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something, which I think means he has a really - - Ow! -Um, I, uh- - I guess we better move on. -Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey. {Blubbering} -What? -I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine. -That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on your back. Dead. -You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down? -Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea. -I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, {Bones crunch} -Ow! See? -Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner. -I'll get the firewood. -Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug. -Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this? -Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style. -No kidding. Well, this is delicious. -Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weedrat stew. {Chuckling} {Sighs} -I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night. {Gulps} -Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it. {Chuckles} -I'd like that. {Slurps, laughs} See the pyramids along the Nile -Um, Princess? Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle -Yes, Shrek? -I, um, I was wondering. Just remember, darling all the while -Are you- - You belong to me {Sighs} -Are you gonna eat that? {Chuckles} -Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset. -Sunset? -Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late. -What? -Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you? -Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside. -Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark. {Shrek sighs} -Good night. -Good night. {Door creaks} -Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here. -Oh, what are you talkin' about? -I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it. -You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad. -Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel. -I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm - - -An orge? -Yeah. An orge. -Hey, where you goin'? -To get... move firewood. {Sighs} -Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you? {Wings fluttering} -Princess? {Creaking} {Gasps} -It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games. {Screams} -Aah! -Oh, no! -No, help! -Shh! -Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! -No, it's okay. It's okay. -What did you do with the princess? -Donkey, I'm the princess. -Aah! -It's me, in this body. -Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me? -Donkey! -Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there! -No! -Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! -Shh. -Shrek! -This is me. {Muffled mumbling} -Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different. -I'm ugly, okay? -Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - - -No. -I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember. -What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before. -It's only happens when sun goes down. "By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form." -Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry. -It's a spell. {Sighs} -When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this. {Sobs} -All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7. -But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look. -Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad? -I have to. Only my true love's kiss can break the spell. -But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a lot in common. -Shrek? -Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh - - {Sighs} -I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go. -I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek. {Gasps} -My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love. {Deep sigh} -Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell. -You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth. -No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know. -What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets? -Promise you won't tell. Promise! -All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy. -Look at my eye twitchin'. {Door opens} {Snoring} -I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. -Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - - {Snoring} -Shrek. Are you all right? -Perfect! Never been better. -I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you. -You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night. -You heard what I said? -Every word. -I thought you'd understand. -Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?" -But I thought that wouldn't matter to you. -Yeah? Well, it does. {Gasps, sighs} -Ah, right on time. {Horse whinnies} -Princess, I've brought you a little something. {Fanfare} {Yawns} -What'd I miss? What'd I miss? {Muffled} -Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey. -Princess Fiona. -As promised. Now hand it over. -Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed. -Take it and go before I change my mind. -Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad. -Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no. {Snaps fingers} -Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell. -Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the orge. It's not like it has feelings. -No, you're right. It doesn't. -Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage. {Gasps} -Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom? -Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - - -Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed! -No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets. -Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests! -Fare-thee-well, orge. -Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away. -Yeah? So what? -Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's - - -I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home? -Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you. -I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys! -But I thought - - -Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong! -Shrek. I heard there was a secret chord That David played and it pleased the Lord But you don't really care for music, do ya It goes like this the fourth, the fifth The minor fall the major lift The baffled king composing hallelujah Hallelujah, hallelujah Baby, I've been here before I know this room I've walked this floor I used to live alone before I knew you I've seen your flag on the marble arch But love is not a victory march It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah Hallelujah, hallelujah And all I ever learned from love Is how to shoot at someone Who outdrew you {Moaning} And it's not a cry you can hear at night It's not somebody who's seen the light It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah {Moaning} Hallelujah, hallelujah {Thumping sound} -Donkey? {Grunts} -What are you doing? -I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one. -Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it. -It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half. -Oh! Your half. Hmm. -Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head. -Back off! -No, you back off. -This is my swamp! -Our swamp. -Let go, Donkey! -You let go. -Stubborn jackass! -Smelly orge. -Fine! -Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet. -Well, I'm through with you. -Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away. -Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back? -Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other! -Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back! -Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings. -Go away! -There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you. -Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. -She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody else. -She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about? -Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right? -Donkey! -No! -Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right? {Sighs} -I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you forgive me? -Hey, that's what friends are for, right? -Right. Friends? -Friends. -So, um, what did Fiona say about me? -What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her? -The wedding! We'll never make it in time. -Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way. {Whistles} -Donkey? -I guess it's just my animal magnetism. {Laughing} -Aw, come here, you. -All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet. -Whoo! {Bells tolling} {All gasping} -People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union.... -Um- -of our new king - - -Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"? {Chuckling} -Go on. -Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you? -What are you talking about? -There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!" -I don't have time for this! -Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you? -Yes. -You wanna hold her? -Yes. -Please her? -Yes! -Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that romantic crap! -All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line? -We gotta check it out. -And so, by the power vested in me, -What do you see? -The whole town's in there. -I now pronounce you husband and wife, -They're at the altar. -king and queen. -Mother Fletcher! He already said it. -Oh, for the love of Pete! {Grunts} -I object! -Shrek? {Gasps} -Oh, now what does he want? -Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all. Very clean. -What are you doing here? -Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding - - -Fiona! I need to talk to you. -Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me - - -But you can't marry him. -And why not? -Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king. -Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him. -He's not your true love. -And what do you know about true love? -Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - - -Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord. {Crowd laughting} -An orge and a princess! -Shrek, is this true? -Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm! -"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before. {Whimpers} {Crown gasping} -Well, uh, that explains a lot. -Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both! -No, no! -Shrek! -This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See? -No, let go of me! Shrek! -No! -Don't just stand there, you morons. -Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! -I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and quartered! -You'll beg for death to save you! -No, Shrek! -And as for you, my wife, -Fiona! -I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days! -I'm king! {Whistles} -I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah! -Aah! -All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it. {Roars} -I'm a donkey on the edge! {Belches} -Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they? {Cheering} -Go ahead, Shrek. -Uh, Fiona? -Yes, Shrek? -I - - I love you. -Really? -Really, really. - I love you too. -Aawww! -"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true form." -"Take love's true form. Take love's true form." -Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right? -Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful. -But you ARE beautiful. {Chuckles} -I was hoping this would be a happy ending. I thought love was only true in fairy tales Oy! Meant for someone else but not for me Love was out to get me That's the way it seemed Disappointment haunted all my dreams And then I saw her face Now I'm a believer and not a trace Of doubt in my mind I'm in love Ooh-aah I'm a believer I couldn't leave her If I tried -God bless us, every one. Come on, y'all! Then I saw her face Ha-ha Now I'm a believer Listen! Not a trace Of doubt in my mind I'm in love Ooh-aah I'm a believer I couldn't leave her if I tried -Ooh! -Uh! Then I saw her face Now I'm a believer Hey! Not a trace Uhh! Yeah. Of doubt in my mind -One more time! I'm in love I'm a believer Come on! I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, hey Y'all sing it with me! I Believe I believe People in the back! I believe I'm a believer I believe I believe I believe I believe {Hysterical laughing} -Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh. -I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I believe in self-assertion Destiny or a slight diversion Now it seems I've got my head on straight I'm a freak an apparition Seems I've made the right decision To try to turn back now it might be too late Now I want to stay home today Don't wanna go out If anyone comes to play Gonna get thrown out I wanna stay home today Don't want no company No way Yeah, yeah, yeah I wanna be a millionaire someday But know what it feels like to give it away Watch me march to the beat of my own drum And it's off to the moon and then back again Same old day Same situation My happiness rears back as if to say I wanna stay home today Don't wanna go out If anyone comes to play Gonna get thrown out I wanna stay home today Don't want no company No way Yeah, yeah, yeah I wanna stay home, stay home, stay home......... I get such a thrill when you look in my eyes My heart skips a beat Girl, I feel so alive Please tell me, baby, if all this is true 'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was you Oh-oh-oh Makes me wanna dance Oh-oh-oh It's a new romance Oh-oh-oh I look into your eyes Oh-oh-oh The best years of our lives When we first met I could hardly believe The things that would happen and we could achieve So let's be together for all of our time Oh, girl, I'm so thankful that you are still mine You always consider me like an ugly duckling And treat me like a Nostradamus was why I had to get my shine on I break a little something to keep my mind on 'Cause you had my mind gone Eh-eh, eh-eh, eh-eh Turn the lights on, Come on, baby Let's just rewind the song 'Cause all I want to do is make the rest years the best years All night long Oh-oh-oh Makes me wanna dance Makes me wanna dance Oh-oh-oh It's a new romance It's a new romance Oh-oh-oh I look into your eyes Oh, yeah, yeah I look into your eyes Oh-oh-oh The best years of our lives Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.............. Everything looks bright Standing in your light Everything feels right What's left is out of sight What's a girl to do I'm telling you You're on my mind I wanna be with you 'Cause when you're standin' next to me It's like wow And all your kisses seem to set me free It's like wow And when we touch it's such a rush I can't get enough It's like- - It's like Ooh-ooh Hey, what It's like wow Ooh-ooh, hey Hey, yeah It's like wow Everything is looking right now, right now It's like wow And I got this feeling This feeling it's just like wow It's just like wow You are all I'm thinking of. Like wow Everything feels right Everything feels right Like wow Everything looks bright All my senses are right Like wow Everything feels right Baby, baby, baby the way I'm feeling you Is like wow There is something that I see In the way you look at me There's a smile There's a truth In your eyes What an unexpected way On this unexpected day Could it be This is where I belong It is you I have loved All long There's no more mystery It is finally clear to me You're the home my heart's searched for So long It is you I have loved All long Whoa, over and over I'm filled with emotion As I look Into your perfect facen!

#mha #lesbian #politics

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