#guy who has GOT to get therapy for that thing that happened a few years ago: Woahh guys l.... beware cougar the acadme yis...

[40steps]

does anyone even czre

[tigergirltail]

TIGER HRT CHAPTER 4 - MONTH 3 - GROWING PAINS

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Everything hurts.

I started noticing it about two weeks after my first dose. It felt like a dull headache at first, but over the next month it spread to pretty much my entire body.

I had to start working from home, and eventually it got bad enough that I could only put in a few hours of work each day. My boss is a reasonable enough guy, but he wasn't going to pay a full time salary for part time hours, so I had to take a salary cut.

Luckily, my partner is around to take care of daily errands, not to mention being there to reassure and comfort me when the pain gets bad. They've been thinking about seeing if Lindwurm HRT is a thing, but they don't want to get the process started until I'm in the clear and can take care of myself again.

Gods I love them.

The reason the pain is happening, as best I can tell, is that my skeletal structure is already changing. I've gotten at least an inch taller, and my face has been reshaping into a feline muzzle. My teeth are getting sharper, and I'm developing proper fangs. I also noticed a little while ago that my fingernails and toenails had receded into their respective digits, which sucks for two reasons - I can't paint fingernails I don't have, and they are sore as HELL when I put any amount of pressure on them. I have to be REALLY careful with how I type to not inflict agony on myself. I'm also feeling my tail growing in, and even if it hurts, it's euphoric as HELL. A tail was always the part I wanted most out of this.

It's weird, the skeletal changes weren't supposed to happen this early. I've been trying to reach Dr. Erian about it, but he's constantly busy, probably because of the sudden surge of people looking for Humanity Removal Therapy.

Other than that, I've been getting areas of white and black fur coming in - mostly on my arms and legs, but a little bit on my face and ears - ears that are gradually reshaping and migrating. Nothing to report on hearing sensitivity, but I think my night vision is getting better.

I did a little bit of looking around for anyone with similar pain experiences. I got my hopes up when I found a girl, Antonina, who had a painful experience with Cat HRT, but it turns out it's because she took the rumoured Fifteen Minute version. She described the pain as "like bathing in an active volcano".

It leaves me wondering whether I would have preferred a 15-minute lava bath over a months-long full-body headache.

I ended up reaching out to her anyway, just because I wanted to know what I was in for in the endgame and feline HRT is rarer than I thought it would be. Sounds like the prey drive is the real deal - she keeps feeling the urge to bite this one girl who's on mouse HRT.

We've been spending some time comparing notes and getting to know each other. It's nice to know someone else who's going through this thing, even if our experiences aren't exactly one-to-one.

I also talked to my mother for the first time in nearly a year. I went No Contact with her a while back because she was only getting more obnoxious and combative about me being trans, but I figured changing my species is a big enough deal that I should keep her in the loop.

Besides, my savings had nearly dried up and I needed to ask her for money.

It… did not go well. She hadn't heard of therian HRT before, and once I explained it, she started panicking about how I'm "mutilating my body" with "untested treatments". I think I also heard her cry something about how her "son" is "killing himself", which is just multiple layers of insensitive.

At least she sent me some money. Hopefully it'll be enough to last until my transformation stops being agonizing and I can go back to work, and then I can go right back to pretending my family doesn't exist.

At roughly the three-month mark, I have a check-in video call with Dr. Erian. From the moment his face appears on screen, though, I can tell something is wrong. He seems… older, somehow.

"Hello, Miss Alexis.", he offers. He sounds tired. Sorrowful, even.

"Hey, doc." I have to ask about it. "Everything okay? You seem a bit tired."

"Nothing to worry about Miss Alexis, just the ordinary stresses of daily life."

Liar. I know I'm not entitled to details of your personal life, much less your professional secrets, but I know when something is eating at someone.

"…Does the word 'crossroads' mean anything to you, Miss Alexis?"

Huh? That came a bit out of left field. "I've… heard some other therian HRT patients use the term, but I don't know much of the details. Something about a point of no return?"

"Something of the sort." He lowers his head and seems to go from sorrowful to downright grim. "There will come a time, Miss Alexis, when you will have to make a very important decision in your care, and I ask that you do so with great consideration for the consequences."

I recoil a little in my seat. "Yeah… Of course I will. Any decision I make, even reaching out to you in the first place, I don't take it lightly."

"Good… That's good." His demeanor shifts back to his stoic, clinical self. I don't know what just happened, but he went somewhere for a moment there.

"Now then, I did receive your messages, I apologize for not getting back to you. You mentioned you were experiencing persistent and debilitating whole-body soreness?"

"Yeah. I can't even leave the apartment most days, it hurts so much."

"Odd… You are taking the treatment as directed, yes?"

"Of course. One tablespoon a week, just like it says on the bottle."

I see his eyes twitch behind his glasses. Did I say something wrong?

"…Teaspoon."

I cock my head to the side. "Say again?"

"You mean one TEASPOON a week, yes?"

I feel my heart sink. The dark smear on the dosage information… I could have sworn it said '1 tbsp/week'.

"…Could you hold on a second please?" I mute the mic and call out to my partner to bring the bottle of tiger HRT over. When they do, I unmute and hold it up to the webcam. I hear Dr. Erian take a sharp intake of breath as he notices the obscured instructions.

I set the bottle aside and the two of us share an awkward silence.

"So…", I begin. "…How bad is it?"

"The good news", he offers slowly, "is that you have only been taking three times the prescribed dose. An increased dose imbalances the growth rate of the different parts of your body, hence your pain and persistent weakness, but it could have been much worse."

I think back to the so-called Fifteen Minute version, and Antonina's description of it - like bathing in an active volcano.

Dr. Erian continues. "Assuming you return to a CORRECT dose, your growth rates will gradually level out over the course of the next month or so. It is my medical opinion that you should maintain a low-activity lifestyle until then, but you will eventually be able to return to your typical activity level, and you will also find that the physical effects become more… consistent."

"That's… reassuring. Thank you, doctor." I pause. Something I noticed a little while ago has been weighing on my mind. "There's one thing, though - do the treatments have… I guess you'd call them restorative or regenerative effects? I've noticed some old wounds aren't there anymore."

The doctor clicks his pen and brings up his notepad. "Interesting. Do go on, Miss Alexis."

"Well… I used to get lower back pain from a car crash injury I got a little over a year ago, but I haven't noticed it at all lately. Pretty much the only part that DOESN'T hurt… There also used to be some marks on my arm from a cat biting me when I was little." I give a slight smile. "The cat's name was Tiger, go figure."

Dr. Erian is writing the whole time I'm talking. "Yes, that is to be expected. Minor persistent injuries will fade over time as your body re-forms itself to a new baseline, even severe chronic symptoms may fade. If there are no other concerns…"

"Just one… Most of the other therian HRT patients I've talked to have gotten their meds as pills, so what's with the potion bottle?"

Dr. Erian pauses, and adjusts his glasses nervously, as if he's been caught out on something he doesn't want to admit to. "Well… advances in the field are occurring rapidly, and you are one of the more recent patients, so a more… streamlined option was available to you. I took the liberty of choosing the most compatible option based on your medical records, and that bottle is it."

"Okay… But what's IN it?"

"The active ingredients are antihominidone, which is your humanity-blocker, and a specialized formula of felistrogen, infused with white tiger genetic material. The rest of the fluid is a suspension used to dilute the effects, without which you would be looking at a short, but excruciating and potentially lethal process."

The Fifteen Minute version, I think to myself. I'm taking diluted Fifteen Minute meds. There's no WAY this isn't experimental, and I'M the experiment. I despise saying it, but maybe my mother was right to worry.

"But I'm afraid I really do have to go, Miss Alexis, my next appointment is waiting."

"G-gotcha. See ya, doctor."

---

Special thanks to @paintedbytosia for letting me write her in, and shoutout to @megamoonerjenny for coming up with 'antihominidone'

[us-the-voices-and-more-voices-2]

Conner and bizarro finally meet

on a random lonely day in the Kansas country side, Conner is rocking in a rocking chair reading a book lex got him. it's a big fat comic collection about this guy who works with the FDA for some reason and he's honestly just enthralled. there's a whoosh sound and suddenly Jason and bizarro appear, Jason has his arm over the shoulder of bizarro as he waves over to Conner. Conner is pretty confused who the other guy is.

Conner: hi Jason, who's with you?

Jason: oh this is bizarro, he's kind of my son.

Conner: since when?

Jason: since ages, lex basically was going to kill him but we accidentally broke him out of his containment. long story short he's here he's my son.

bizarro: *waves* bye! I'm bizarro

Conner: hi bizarro

Jason: don't mind him he's words are a bit backwards, something about the programming didn't quite work. all negative verbs and such are positives and all positives are negatives. we are working on it right buddy?

bizarro: I'm resting on it!

Jason: speech therapy is hard, he's perfectly normal he just has some mixed up brain functions. lex actually managed to reverse alot of the degenerative disease problems, so you know bizarro is just struggling with a few things. he's doing way better than before though right buddy?

bizarro: I'm not fine, I'm doing bad! red is doing a bad job

Jason: aw, thanks. I try, we really have to work on the negative verbs, but it's fine we can try again later. anyway I wanted you to meet your brother bizarro!

Conner: *holds out hand* nice to meet you bizarro, what do you like to do?

bizarro: I hate… reading books and watching movies, it’s not fun.

Conner: oh! I love reading books, I have some if you want one.

bizarro: I’m not interested, I hate reading. No thanks!

Conner: wait here I’ll go get one!

Conner runs into the house to go grab some books, he didn’t really know he had a brother but this was kinda cool. Even if it came out of nowhere.

Conner: I have.. Julia Gillard’s cookbook, pride and prejudice, moby dick, and.. bionicules? Honestly I don’t think I’ll read them again so you can have them, my gift!

Bizarro looks at Conner and smiles, he takes the books and starts reading them on the floor of the patio.

Jason: I know I should have called you, but we never have the chance to meet up.

Conner: it’s fine, honestly. I was just reading some comics, been a long week. Just wanted to soak up some sun, since Lex was nagging me about it.

Jason: Lex??

Conner: oh I didn’t tell you, yeah we are kinda trying to fix things between us. I think it has something to do with the whole kryptonite induced cancer, thing. He surprisingly actually does not mean any harm to me, it's so weird.

Jason: damn, even Lex of all people is trying to mend his relationships. Never thought I’d see the day.

Conner: oh it was weird, he came up to the house and actually apologised to me. Lex. APOLOGISED

Jason: NO WAY, I don’t believe you *crosses arms*

Connor: I wish I had it on tape, but no he did. It was so weird, then he told me he actually was pregnant with me.

Jason: wait… *murmurs* when would that have been.

Conner: oh a couple years ago as I’m about 4-5 now.

Jason: oh yeah he did basically disappear for a whole year one year, kinda thought he had some sort of horrible injury or assassin on his tail. Didn’t really think he was having you?

Connor: honestly I would not know, because again didn’t exist yet.

Jason: that’s actually around the time bizarro was made actually, well a year or 2 beforehand.

Connor: yeah makes sense, wait. bizarro is older than me?

bizarro: I'm younger than other superman.

Connor: true I do think your older than me, does lex keep saying anything about dissolving DNA to you guys?

Jason: on yeah that's what originally happened to biz over here, right buddy?

bizarro: me DNA re- reconsti- reconstituted.

Connor: oh damn, that most be why he is motherhen'ing so bad. "you really should be checking for it every 2 weeks" as lex says to me fortnightly now. ugh annoying.

Jason: really? guess I'll take his advice that does unironically sound like a good idea. Connor, well this has been nice. but we have to go or we are going to miss family dinner. see ya

Connor: honestly nice that you dropped by, nice to meet you bizarro!

bizarro: hi other superman!

Connor: you can call me Kon if you like

bizarro: hi Kon!

Connor: see you both enjoy the books! I'm sure bizarro will enjoy them

Jason: oh totally pride and prejudice is my favourite, I was looking for a copy for biz actually it's a wonderful gift, nice seeing you! see you next time for the space pirates?

Connor: always, those fucking space pirates though

bizarro: I love space pirates, they are the best

Connor: lol you're so right, bye guys!!

bizarro + Jason: bye!!!!

prev | current | next

[noxlysium]

Why Jean is so important to me

Welcome to my insane ramblings, enjoy your stay (or don't). Most of this is also very self-indulgent, by the way. Warning: Mentions of abuse, alcoholism, mental illness, self-destructive thoughts I'd also like to remind you that this isn't me justifying Jean's behavior in any way, he's a fucking asshole and doesn't know how to handle Harry, or himself. They're both flawed individuals and that's okay. This is just me talking about my own experiences. Now that we got that out of the way, let's get to the actual thing.

I'm not even sure where to start. When I first found out Jean had clinical depression, I immediately felt a connection. It's relatable. Very relatable, in fact. I myself have been depressed for years. It all started at a young age, I was about 13, but due to trauma it could be very much earlier than that. I don't remember much from my childhood because most of it are bad memories. I'm 21 now and still going through a lot of shit, so it's been about 8 years. Jean strikes me as a guy who has been fucked over his entire life, no matter where he goes or what he does. It always comes back to him. After I have finished DE for the first time and looked more into the lore of Jean and Harry, I started to notice the similarities between the relationship with him and Harry, and the relationship with me and my own parents.

I know what alcohol does to people, I've seen it all. And it's not great for either parties. I'm stuck in a repetitive cycle of wanting to help someone to get better, only to realize that they don't want to get better and then I start building hope again. Rinse and repeat. I know I cannot change them. But I keep hoping for a change anyway, and get upset when it never comes. Of course it doesn't. No matter what I've tried. I have tried so many times. I'm a fucking hypocrite because I sometimes drink as well. I don't want to become like them. I drink for fun every once in a while and try to not over-do it, because every time I touch alcohol, something in the back of my mind tells me I'm becoming like my father. I thought about smoking a few times, but I don't want to destroy myself like my mother does. I'm really fucking scared of smoking and its consequences. Which is funny, because I should be as scared when it comes to alcohol, but I'm not. They both drink every day at 3 pm, after work. Every single day.

And it has been like this for years. Nothing has ever changed. A few months ago I had an actual discussion with my parents. We usually never have these sort of conversations (That's the issue, by the way. A very big lack of communication. Does that ring any bells?) and I was actually surprised when they told me they wanted to lay off the alcohol. I tried to approach the topic carefully and even offered them help (therapy etc.) but.. they also didn't want that. They straight up told me they don't need help. Which is really fucking frustrating because I want them to understand that they do, but they don't care.

I know change is really fucking hard and I've been there, but my parents had so many opportunities to change and never took them. Nothing has changed for so many years and I'm tired of it. I'm waiting for a change to happen but I know it's never coming anyway. I'm tired, mad, disappointed. That's how Jean feels about Harry, he just doesn't know how to help him and is an ass about it. And I'm just letting it happen, because there's nothing else I can do. I'm watching them destroy themselves every day and it fucking hurts. Something in me still feels a tiny flame of hope, when in reality that flame is already extinguished. I want people to understand, my father really fucking reminds me of Harry. The emotional abusive, the physical abuse, the alcoholism, the sexist remarks.. It just screams Harry. Especially given with how he had been around people Pre-Martinaise, which I have read in the game inside the damaged ledger. The fact that I love Harry to a certain degree says a lot of things.

The marriage between my parents is like if Dora never left Harry, and it's fucking awful.

-

That is mostly why I can relate to Jean so much. There's also some smaller things and I'll get to those now.

He fucking sucks at feelings. You can see it with the way he's trying to handle Harry, and it's not working.. Which, yeah. I suck at those too.

He likes to hide his sadness underneath a layer of cynicism and sarcasm as a coping method.. I do this all the fucking time.

Let's face it, this man is a fucking nervous wreck. He picks at his facial hair and displays a lot more habits like that, like him fixing his clothes (even though they look clean, according to one of the skills in the game), running his hand through his hair.. I do this without even realizing it.

He's depressed and fucking empty on the inside. He most likely hasn't felt real love from anyone or for himself in years. He needs therapy (lots of it), anti-depressants and a hug.. And I know what that feels like. I know it too well.

Lastly, he's a fucking mess. Like in every single way imaginable.. Again, very relatable.

Jean is such an amazing character for me to project on, to relate to and to find comfort in. I'm glad they made him fucked up, because that's what I love about him. He has so many flaws and I love every single one of them. He's in the game for like 15 minutes or less, but the impact he's had on me is insane. I've had a fair share of characters I would obsess over, but Jean hits different.

I'm so glad Jean-Heron Vicquemare exists, because I wouldn't know where I would be if I never met him. I want to thank my lovely friend (who is not on here, but I'm still saying it because I care about him a lot) for gifting me this amazing game.

And I want to thank you for reading this mess of a post.

If you have made it this far, I want to show you one last thing.

[lordichamo]

Back again with another ask.....don't mind meeee

For your Survive!Mine AU....how do you think the Daigo and Mine reunion would go?

OOO . okay i've been thinking abt this A LOT (its... honestly what i've been pondering the most w/ regards to Survive AU as of late) so I'll put my thoughts under the cut here.

Light IW Finale Spoilers ahead!

SO. We don't know exactly what happened to the 3jimas after being left on that roof which leaves ... a few questions to say the least ASHGJKEWT . I need to figure out how to get them to actually meet (seeing as Daigo's somewhere in the middle of nowhere up north while Mine's in Yokohama) and if I don't know where Daigo went after the finale fight its... kinda hard to do that. My assumption thus far has been that he went back to the fishing village eventually (most likely not to stay this time, but it's not like he moved out of there for the finale fight. He's probably got belongings to pack up and all that if he wants to leave for good.)

ANYWAY all that to say that I'm still working on figuring out the actual logistics of how their reunion happens. Part of me feels it's best for Mine to be the one to reach out? He's been running from the situation the whole time so I feel that the next step he'd need to make if he wants to improve himself would be reaching out lol. (+ Its not like Daigo's gonna search for a guy he thinks has been dead for over a decade all of a sudden. and them meeting on accident is... it can be funny! but it doesn't hit the same.....)

What I do know though is that the reunion itself probably doesn't go? great? initially? Considering its been ~15 years (if we're calculating based off 2024) there's bound to be some tension. Plus I don't think Mine is being super clear about the whole situation initially (I think it takes him a while to bring up the whole coma thing) which only serves to add fuel to the fire. Like idk if some guy who jumped off a roof in front of you sending your life into a downward spiral showed up alive after 15 years and acted like nothing happened & like things should just return to 'normal' (how they were 15 years ago) i think you'd be a little annoyed ASDJHKGHKEWT . On top of that uhh idk if Daigo's been doing all that well mentally... All that just kinda combines for a very messy reunion imo. I'd say they need to fight it out on a roof or something but uh..... maybe not GJHKDSJKG

I do believe it works out eventually though! If only because i need a bit of comfort after all that hurt. It just uh. takes a hot minute to unpack everything that went down between them & work through it all. Petition to get these guys couples therapy. (...therapy in general, actually)

[adrealucia]

hi guys I am so sorry for not posting much lately, but I just have to let you know that I am mentally and physically struggling a lot in the last few weeks. I came here to tell at least someone about what is going on in my life. mentally I am already not the most stable person, but I am going to therapy and even though I feel fine some days, most days I don't. a few months ago I had to take a huge break from Tumblr, because of my mental health and when it got worse I came back here again... yea confusing idek. Anyway, I am 20 years old and I live in Germany, where it is pretty standard to be working at this age and let's say be fully standing on your own two feet. I don't. I haven't been going to school or work in almost 3 years I think, because of a major accident I had back in 2021. Before this accident happened (which I still haven't fully recovered from, but mostly mentally I think) I used to work, even though I was partying and living my life. nowadays i don't go out a lot and if i do its very exhausting for me. my anxiety has never been higher and even thinking about finding a job makes me cry. I applied for a school, because i would much rather go to school and educate myself a little more than to be working. i got declined a few days ago, which now means i need to find myself some work. I don't know why it is so hard for me to make the first step, i don't know why i cannot just go and get a job. my mental health and my panic attacks just make it really hard for me. so even though i love writing and reading stories I just came here to tell you guys that i am very sorry for not posting much (even though i know you will probably be fine without my writing haha) but still, i see how many of you guys enjoy my writing and i am just so sad that i cannot bring myself to post as often as i used to. my dream is it that one day in the future i can become a writer or someone who openly (let it be on youtube or tiktok idk) talks about their love for books. I am trying to chase my dreams even though most of them are not very realistic and i know how much mental health can hold you back. I am mad, not at myself, but at the things and people that made me so anxious. i am working on myself and I am trying my very best to become the person who will achieve all of their dreams. so I just came on here to tell you that I see all of your requests and comments, but I might not have the strength to answer all of them if any of them at the moment. i hope you understand :) <3 still, I love every single one of you who supports my little stories!

[in-danmei-hell-send-help]

I think what kills me about Jiang Cheng antis is that a lot of their talking points reek of anti survivor rhetoric. As someone who is a survivor and has done a lot of advocacy for victims and survivors of power based personal violence, I want to be the first to inform you that the narrative of the “pretty survivor” (which is steeped in cishet normative, white supremacist, and ableist ideas) is an extremely rare case. Trauma survivors are rarely pretty. The Wei Wuxian’s of the world are incredibly uncommon. 

Trauma--especially intense, horrific trauma like what Jiang Cheng went through--often leads to intense issues of anger and hatred. It makes you deeply emotional and can often lead to you becoming unstable. Jiang Cheng lost his entire family and community in the span of a few years. He didn’t have access to therapy (something that literally anyone would need to heal from that), he had to rebuild his entire sect, likely had to fight an uphill battle in order to be a significant part of Jin Ling’s life, all while cleaning up the mess that Wei Wuxian left behind.

This is not to hate on Wei Wuxian, he’s my third favorite character (after Jiang Cheng and Lan Wangji) and I love him deeply, but he left behind a legacy that Jiang Cheng had to clean up. Whether or not he realized this would happen, Wei Wuxian created a cultivation path (gui dao/ghost cultivation) that is extremely dangerous and horrific. While I still don’t know if I believe that Jiang Cheng killed every demonic cultivator he came across, I don’t know that it was necessarily a bad thing that he did kill them. We’ve talked a lot in the cxc server about gui dao and demonic cultivation and just how much it harms the mind and body. Wei Wuxian is the exception to the rule in having such control over it and even he eventually succumbed to it. If demonic cultivators are causing great harm, then a cultivators job is to stop that harm and the source of it. That may mean killing the demonic cultivator. I think people get mixed up when (I think it was Jingyi) said that Jiang Cheng kills the wrong person. I believe it was @twilightarc-gm who said that “wrong” doesn’t imply innocent but rather the fact that the person isn’t Wei Wuxian. We know that Jiang Cheng spent thirteen years trying to find Wei Wuxian and when he does find him, he doesn’t kill him despite having literally every reason to.

Like idk y’all, if the guy that got my entire clan wiped out, my sect burned down, and caused the deaths of my sister and her husband died and came back from dead, I wouldn’t just threaten him with a dog and yell at him. I would kill him. But he doesn’t he has every opportunity to in multiple instances after confirming that it’s Wei Wuxian, but he never does. He seems more interested in dragging Wei Wuxian home (literally stating that he’s going to bring Wei Wuxian home to Lotus Pier to kneel before his parents’ graves). Like that doesn’t imply that he’s going to kill Wei Wuxian, but rather make him repent. 

I think it’s telling that despite a lot of Jiang Cheng’s hurt and pain, he still chooses to not severely hurt or kill Wei Wuxian, it would be within his right to do so, but in the end after it’s all over, he let’s Wei Wuxian go. He doesn’t tell Wei Wuxian that he sacrificed himself for him, because he knew that Wei Wuxian would feel guilty and obligated to him, just like Wei Wuxian knew Jiang Cheng would feel guilty and obligated. That to me shows a survivor choosing to break the cycle of hurt and pain and I have to question why Jiang Cheng antis so often choose to ignore the side of him that does love Wei Wuxian (it’s up to the viewer whether they see that love as romantic or platonic), enough so to let him go and not burden him with pain.

Jiang Cheng’s story and character arc is at it’s core about trauma, survival, and rising above dire circumstances despite the odds. He attempts the impossible and manages to succeed in it. And to ignore that is a disservice to his character, survivors of trauma, and the effort MXTX put into creating such a complex and interesting character.

[verieriberries]

the girls definitely thought bruce was a villain when they used their x-ray vision the first time they stepped foot in the manor.

batonium had been going at this dating thing for a couple of months now and the girls are still on the fence about bruce. surely if he was another sedusa situation then it wouldn’t take months for his evil plan to unfold, right? they can’t deny that bruce makes the professor happy but the trauma from the sedusa incident was deeper than they realized. as much as they wanted to trust bruce, there was something within them that couldn’t, at the moment.

bruce was briefed by the professor about the unfortunate ‘ex’ cause utonium felt like bruce deserved to know. it’s not that the girls hate him exactly, they’re just super cautious. bruce completely understands and only works harder to earn the girls’ trust. part of his campaign was opening up more of himself to the little family of the man he’d grown to adore. well, as much as he could while still keeping the batman thing a secret and trying to unlearn his emotionally constipated ways. (he goes to therapy because he deserves and needs it)

and so, what better way to open up more about himself than to open up his home to the utonium family? of course, he picked a day where most of the batfam were busy. only dick and alfred were in the house, which is basically the best combination bruce could think of when introducing a prospective partner who has children of their own.

alfred and dick were wonderful to the girls and it was heartwarming to see how content it made utonium feel. bruce felt like he could get away with wrapping his arm around the professor’s waist and it turned out to be true when he only got a glare from buttercup and no demands to unhand her dad.

on the girls’ part, dick and alfred were effective persuasion to start sort of warming up to the idea of boyfriend bruce. granted, it would take some time for them to actually start trusting the man but it was a start.

bruce was giving the utonium family a tour of the wayne manor, dick tagging along with them and supplying an inane story that happened in every space that they walked through. it was great entertainment for the girls and utonium as well. the batfam is nothing but rambunctious to say the least. buttercup was starting to think that damien might be her favorite of the bunch (oh how wrong/right she was).

they eventually reach the study that had the secret entrance to the batcave and blossom just suddenly has this niggling feeling. she’s an intuitive girl and her instincts have never steered her wrong before, no matter how young she was. deciding to trust herself, she uses her handy dandy x-ray vision and could see what she could only assume was an entrance to a secret villain lair. she wasted no time flying to her father’s side and her sisters were close behind despite their confusion.

utonium immediately chastised his daughters while bruce and dick momentarily paused before looking at each other.

“dad, we told you! he’s a bad guy!” blossom yelled causing her sisters to gasp and glare at bruce. dick couldn’t stop the loud cackle that pushed through his lips even if he tried. bruce looked confused.

“now what makes you say that?” utonium asked as he kneeled down. it had already been a few years since the science accident that created his daughters and while they were steadily growing, they were still quite small compared to his tall stature.

“he has a secret entrance to his villain lair behind the clock! bubbles and buttercup can look for themselves to prove that i’m telling the truth.”

after doing as their sister said, they flanked the professor with their assent that yes there IS a secret entrance to an evil lair there, we wouldn’t lie about it!

utonium knew his daughters had no reason to lie for something quite as serious as this so he could only look towards bruce for answers.

of all the ways that bruce could’ve revealed the batman to the professor, he didn’t expect that it would be like this. he had wanted to wait a bit more, maybe a year, before telling. and even then, he was hesitant about revealing the vigilante thing entirely. he was content to keep it a secret because he didn’t know how he could deal with utonium reacting negatively. it was only with the combined intervention of all his children and alfred that he even began to consider divulging his and his family’s alter egos to the utoniums. bruce couldn’t enter a relationship that he had hopes of lasting if he couldn’t share the single most important thing about him as a person.

he was really hoping that the moment he tells utonium would be under his own terms in which he had control over the situation but the girls just. poof. made all that hope go down the drain. he’d already been told by the professor that the girls were superpowered and that they had a range of abilities but it seems like he’d be putting x-ray vision into the list.

glancing at dick who was barely stifling his gighles, bruce sighed. “i’m not a villain or a bad guy. i’m. . . batman.��

now, utonium has heard of batman. who hasn’t? and ever since living in gotham, he’s been hearing more and more about the guy and he’s made an opinion. batman is good, though his slightly violent methods seem to suggest otherwise. gotham needs someone like the dark knight to keep things in check, and something that a lot of the public didn’t notice is that he was a lot more compassionate than they realized. why else would he send a gaggle of rogues to a psychiatric institution if not to give them the means to heal themselves? (utonium would feel differently about arkham whenever he finds out about the abuse and neglect that was prevalent in the facility.)

so when he heard buttercup say that the batman sounded very much like a villain name, utonium chuckled. and so, everyone’s attention was suddenly on him. his girls looked confused, wondering how he could laugh about this like it’s a light matter and he found himself smiling softly at them, silently wishing they’d stay this innocent for a little while longer.

“girls, remember how i told you about how townsville was before? how bad guys would always do bad things and that the people there would be too afraid to even go out of their homes?”

“yeah!” exclaimed buttercup. “but then you made us and we beat up the bad guys!” she looked very proud of that statement, as did her sisters. when utonium glanced at the waynes still standing in front of them, they both looked confused. utonium sighed.

“yes. you beat up villains so that they’d go to jail and everybody would be safe. it’s the same for batman.”

“oh.” they still looked unconvinced, but the professor always told them the truth. it was only dick’s comment, that batman was friends with superman, that made the girls release the tension that was holding them up. their shoulders relaxed as they regarded bruce with a curious look. bruce nodded at them, confirming everything that’s been said about him.

“so… you won’t hurt us mr. batman?” bubbles hesitantly asked and isn’t that heartbreaking, that the thought of bruce harming them was at the forefront of their minds

bruce kneeled on one knee to be eye level with utonium’s daughter. “i promise you, i would never harm you, your sisters or your father intentionally. if i end up being mean and hurting you guys, you have my explicit permission to beat me up.”

bubbles giggled, the most trusting of the three, and held out her pinky finger. “pinky promise? and you can’t break it ever.”

since they were still at the age where pinky promises were sacred, blossom and buttercup also held out their pinkies with determined looks. bruce’s lips quirked into a small smile, bringing up his own pinky to seal the deal with each of them. “i pinky promise.”

dick, when recounting what happened to the rest of the family when they arrived back at the manor and bruce was driving the utoniums back to their apartment, had a lot of to say about how adorable the girls were and how funny it was when they called bruce a bad guy.

jason had to interrupt him. “wait, what do you mean they beat up criminals in their hometown? aren’t they like, 3 years old?”

it was at that point everybody realised something. sure, damian was also young when he started as robin but that was mostly due to the hellish and dangerous training that he was put through under the league at such a young age. was it the same for the girls? what it they were being forced to do it? sure, they had powers but they were still children.

although they expected to feel excitement about meeting the utoniums soon, now they could only feel a small sense of dread.

[joanofexys]

tell me about Merrick?

@themundanemudperson @codename-adler

thank you guys for asking about him

as always quick little overview of Merrick Carew:

usually goes by Merr

he/him

25 years old

gay aspec, trans man

english major

played for the foxes for 5 years and attended on a scholarship

5’7, brown hair, hazel eyes, has tattoos under his top surgery scars (and other tattoos lol)

striker, plays pro for a team i will come up with a name for eventually

had an older sister

quick warning now that Merr touches on a variety of heavier topics cause yk he is a fox so yeah just be prepared for that

specific tws i can think of: substance abuse, suicide, domestic abuse, child abuse, COCSA (SA)

this got really long so it’s under the cut ����

Merr was recruited to the foxes after his coach recommended him to Wymack. His coach had noticed a variety of signs that pointed to abuse at home and also signs of addiction. When his coach asked why he hadn’t applied to any colleges Merr admitted that he couldn’t afford it and that no one wanted to put up with his attitude since he wasn’t much of a team player.

When he was offered a full ride to PSU knowing their reputation and it meaning that they’d be the only school who would take him

Now for the reasons why he’s a fox:

Merrick grew up in a big house where he lived with his parents, his aunt and uncle, his older sister, and his 4 older cousins

He and his sister were close and pretty much attached at the hip and they got along with their cousins as well. Both his parents and aunt and uncle were neglectful and his uncle was abusive to both his aunt and his mom while his dad tended to look the other way. Because of this they were largely unsupervised and it landed on his sister to do a lot of the caretaking.

His dad was an alcoholic and his mom seemed to like pain pills a little too much so substances went largely unchecked in the home and Merr was even offered things like alcohol at a very young age which was the start of his own addiction. Merr didn’t love alcohol but he did learn to mimic his mother and developed a preference for pretty much any pills he could get his hands on.

As they got older his uncle’s abuse also turned onto his cousins and in turn their abuse turned on him (and his sister when she tried to intervene). One of Merr’s cousins started to sexually abuse him when they were 14 and he was 11 and it didn’t end until a few years later when his uncle was fired and they had to move to a different state for his new job.

Until that had happened Merr’s family had realized how dependent they were on his uncle and aunts income and they lost their house and ended up living in a variety of hotels. In this period of time both Merr’s and his parents addictions got really bad and his sister was put under a lot of stress working and trying to take of him and their parents. Eventually she started skipping school, she got rejected from all of the colleges she applied to (all out of state), and she ended up committing suicide on her 18th birthday when Merr was 14

After her death both of Merr’s parents decided to get clean, shocked by their daughter’s death and realizing they were so wrapped up in their own addictions that they hadn’t noticed anything going on with her. They both started going to rehab, group therapy, and locked down to full time jobs and got to the point where they could afford an apartment when Merr was 14. Merrick, on the other hand, got worse and became more dependent on any substance he could get his hands (even harder now that his parents were keeping a clean house). Because he had never had to worry about a lack of access to drugs before he started going through withdrawals and with it he started heavily lashing out. At his school he found ways to get high still but it wasn’t the same as what he had been getting before and he remained irritable. He snapped at people a lot including his parents which led to a lot of fighting which turned into verbal abuse

He started looking for excuses to be out of the house and decided to try out for his high school’s exy team and actually made it. He played all through high school, it forced him to keep up his grades, and well he still didn’t get clean but he had another outlet and a coach who was doing their best to look out for him.

When he moves to PSU he has no idea what he wants to do with his life, he’s focused on getting his next fix, and he’s so incredibly lonely.

Moving to college forces him to finally process his grief for his sister and he has a breakdown where he keeps trying to call her old, deactivated, number and begging to go home. His roommates end up calling Wymack who takes him to his apartment and he refuses to move back into the dorms for about two months after that. But that means he can’t hide his addiction and when confronted with that he agrees to finally actually talk to Bee. He makes it through his first semester at Palmetto and ends up checking himself into rehab over winter break.

He gets clean, relapses a few times, the summer of his sophomore year he ends checking himself into rehab again for the duration of it and ends up staying clean.

I guess he’s one of Wymack’s successes and he’s plenty fucked up and still feels like a mess trying to be a person most days but he considers Wymack and Abby and Bee and even some of his teammates family and knows he’s got them to fall back on.

When he goes pro the media ends up falling in love with him and he ends up adoring press duty for the positive attention and being surprisingly good at it with a little media training.

He’s not a huge advocate about addiction or mental health necessarily because he keeps his issues incredibly private but he’ll repost little infographics and he’s the always the first to like Jude’s posts about his struggles and leave a supportive comment.

This is getting really long so I’m gonna try and wrap it up now. Other than his addiction and his sisters death he doesn’t end up confronting his other trauma until he’s into his 20’s. After graduating he keeps Bee as his therapist and that’s where he starts unpacking everything that happened to him as a kid. He still has a lot to work on and heal from, a lot of it he’d rather pack up in a box and never address, but when the feelings on it get too big he’s learned a lot of healthier outlets over letting his frustrations get the best of him

And yeah idk if he ever makes court but I am toying with the idea of him and Jude getting together

[scooburst]

Scoosletter

Heya. No updates.

Am I okay: .

Things that happened: .

Log:

(This paragraph is a log I made at 6:24 AM, the rest of the log is at night)

I had to physically shut off a playlist about 5 minutes ago because i accidentally clicked one I made for someone I just lost. (They aren’t dead.) Not sure how to cope.

And now it’s later in the day

School fucking sucked. Nobody has talked this out and I’m stuck in between. Only one didn’t vent to me about it and expect me to agree. I’ve got 3 different views rhag aren’t even mine. I should’ve stopped it sooner. Instead I ignores it. I think they hate me. They should.

My parents are being rude as always. I need to move and I’m forced to sit. It’s called ADHD. Please turn down the radio I don’t like how loud it is, but instead they turned it up on purpose. It’s so loud. I’m really overstimulated now.

Only thing that really gets me happy these days is my buddies. Which is nice, since j can contact most of em whenever. But I’m still so isolated and it sucks. I don’t mind it as mcuh anymore. I think im used to it. I’m learning how to get around the limits and ways to entertain myself with them. For example: how high of a score can I get in the minute I’m allowed? What if I color swap this guy in markup? Etc. I’m getting bored again though. Working through it. Still no idea when I’m allowed time again. I know I’m getting a new phone soon since this one is 7 years old and dies whenever the fuck it wants. Slow too. It’s alright. I’m alive aren’t I?

I’ve had a few people tell me to talk to someone or get help, and I actually am, as I’ve said before :)

I am in therapy, even if it’s not as often as I’d like, and I am talking to trusted people when I need too. So please just don’t go “get help” “go to therapy”. I’m not mad about it. Just don’t like it very much. I also don’t really appreciate whoever was on anon spamming “mentally ill” earlier. I blocked them. So. Idc who they were, fuck off. I fully understand I have mental health issues and am addressing them. Cool.

That was really only like one or three folks, so don’t take that personally

Final thing is, my nose has been bleeding for a while now. I think I broke it, idk. I got punched. It’s prolly fine 👍

I’ve noticed my parents doesn’t really trust me, but I have done nothing untrustworthy and only lied when I had too. So. Maybe if they tried?

Lyric: I smile when I cry to hide what I felt, “I’m doing fine”, speak for yourself - 2085, AJR

lyric 2: you gotta get better your all that I got. - 2085 again lol

Tags: @honey-bell-aint-well @skelpiescool @doubladescimitar @mydysfunctionallife @youtry2replaceurself @100percentevil

Lmk about tags ig

[alexwilltellyouthings]

Entirely self indulgent rating post about the top 10 TV shows that made me fucking insane for some reason

10. Sense8

God, this was so good. Such a blessing. I saw part of the cast during a Pride Parade and it's one of my favorite memories. I felt every possible emotion with this show, I love it.

9. The Last of Us

This is kind of a cheat, because the obsession comes from the games, but it is what it is. It's one of the few games that had a big impact on me and I closely relate it to my relationship with my dad. Can't wait to cry my heart out at season 2.

8. Good Omens

It's a given, isn't it? That stupid angel with his stupid demon and their stupid God. GRRRAAWW. A lot of thoughts and feelings came from the fandom, I have to point out. It's been very nice.

7. The Umbrella Academy

I have the first issue of the comics autographed by Gerard Way!! I mean, yes, it's because I'm a MCR fan, but it became even more precious after I got into the show. I'm rewatching right now, preparing for the last season. I'll be a mess when I say goodbye to them. Can't even really think about it too hard or I'll cry right now.

Continues under the cut

6. Our Flag Means Death

LISTEN THIS CHANGED EVERYTHING TO ME. What do you mean we can have a show THIS queer? It's all I want now. I ate it up. I smiled so much. I wanted this so badly and had no idea.

5. Interview with the Vampire

Feels like it should be top 3 honestly but I'll get there. This is also a cheat, I've been reading the Vampire Chronicles since I was like 15. Growing up with Anne Rice probably messed me up but hey at least I have great taste. And seeing them on screen? The way they made it BETTER? And Lestat?? Who has been haunting me for 15 years on and off??? And the second season and their reunion and and and?????????? I'm STILL insane about them and will be forever, I'm afraid.

4. Doctor Who

Listen. Listen. Okay. Yeah. What can I say? If you get into it, you're doomed. And I have been doomed for 10 years at least. I stopped watching for a while and got back last year, and it hit me all over again. I love this dumbass genius alien in a way that's calm, even. Just a permanent part of who I am now.

3. The Untamed

The year was 2022, it had been a while since I had a proper fixation and I didn't think it would happen with this danmei live-action, but then came Wei Wuxian. Guys, if I tell you I fell in love. Couldn't stop thinking about him. Everyday I was plagued by his smile and red ribbon and tragic backstory, yadayadayada. I really like other characters too, and their stories, but WWX did something to me that I still don't quite understand.

2. Queer as Folk (US)

This was a looong time ago and it didn't really persist over time like the others, but it was my first actual obsession. I was clinically insane over these gays. I had no one to talk to about them, so for every episode I wrote several pages of notes to comment to my (only) friend at school the next day, the poor thing. It was pretty much all I talked about because I spent EVERY MINUTE we had to talk going over the notes and explaining the episode. Like, between classes, during breaks, everything. Months of that. She held on firmly because she was a good friend, but I'm aware it must've been terrible. Like I said, insane.

1. Dead Boy Detectives

Maybe I'm putting this up here because it's my current hyperfixation? Maybe. But I don't think I have felt something hit as strongly as this since QaF over there. This time I can participate in fandom so I don't need to write every thought I have because it's all a big talk anyway, but I'm still pretty much having those thoughts all the time for *checks notes* nearly three months. I'm writing more than I have in years. I'm back at Tumblr after I don't know how long. I'm staring at GIFs over and over like I have the fucking time for that. I'm distracted at work daily. I talk about it in therapy. I have the main cast's notifications on. I'm getting involved in fandom discourse sometimes even knowing I shouldn't. It's a nightmare. I love it. I love them.

If you read all of this, congrats! Now you know how my mind works, kinda!! I'm open to talk about any and all of these shows. It's amazing how they mess us up. It's also scary, but anyway.

[lunar-years]

How do you think Jamie’s mental health issues present/the effects of his father’s abuse in adulthood especially when being in a relationship with Roy and Keeley.

From what we’ve seen on the show alone I think Jamie is very well adjusted in general and has a bright and amazing future ahead of him in every sense ❤️

Cycling back to how his mental health issues present... we actually got a lot of canonical insight into this and to me it's an unpleasant cocktail of repression, overcompensating/excitable euphoria, shutting down, and depression. His repressive tendencies run pretty deep and it's been easier for him historically to push forward by pushing certain emotions down. When he gets triggered by being constantly around his dad in Manchester, he fucks off to Lust Conquers All. When he's upset in Amsterdam, he's cartwheeling down the streets with a hyper sort of constant energy. he's veryyy "i'm so depressed I act like it's my birthday everyday." Then you have moments like Wembley and the week leading up to Mom City where he freezes and falls into subsequent bouts of depression.

To me, I think quite a bit of those episodes stem from the fact that he's spent so long repressing his trauma that he fully does not realize he has it nor has he spent any time openly confronting it. Jame very much that guy who will drop THE most upsetting personal lore whilst laughing and then not understand why the room has gone silent. He can't remember what happened in Amsterdam. In Mom City he tells Roy he doesn't know he's upset, and when Keeley is listing off all the reasons he might have for not being himself lately, he's so overwhelmed by that because he hadn't even considered those reasons, or more aptly hadn't let himself stare them in the face.

Personally I think therapy helps him a lot and he takes to it like a fish to water. Finally he has someone to help him name the things that have happened to him and then help him process and reckon with those things in a healthy way. I definitely think he would learn to lean on others a lot more and develop new coping strategies to lessen instances like the one that drove him to Lust Conquers All.

That said, I think those first few weeks/months/years would be TOUGH. He's dealing with realities about his own life that he's spent much of the course of that life continually shoving down, and there's a lot of big words and diagnoses being thrown his way that overwhelms him even as it eventually relieves him to know there's a name for it.

It would be particularly difficult for him if that level of reckoning was happening at the same time as other big changes in his life, for instance getting together with Roy and Keeley and all the other anxieties that would come with that, or trying to reconnect with his dad. How long and in what capacity James Tartt Sr. remains in his life has to have an enormous impact on how his trauma related stuff presents, esp. given what we see in the finale. His father is very obviously his most prominent and longest-standing trigger. It's that sort of combination, along with him allowing himself to feel emotions outside of shutting down in the face of triggers, that I think could lead to panic attacks.

As for the royjamiekeeley aspect...they all deal with various mental health issues and are incredibly understanding and supportive ofc. As with all things, they have to find their footing and figure out through trial and error how to best help one another, but once they get it down they are incredibly solid. They help Jamie lessen his exposure to the stuff that triggers him (incl. his dad, in whatever way that works) and know how to best help to bring him down from panic attacks, how to talk to him when he's in various funks (he does the same for them), etc.

So it boils down to: I think future Jamie is on very solid footing but that doesn't mean he never stumbles. He's got a lot of healing left to do but I firmly believe he's up for the task.

[mikachacha]

𝙰𝚕𝚕 𝚃𝚘𝚘 𝚆𝚎𝚕𝚕 (𝙱𝚊𝚍𝚊 𝙻𝚎𝚎 𝚡 𝚁𝚎𝚊𝚍𝚎𝚛) 𝙿𝚝. 5

Synopsis: You finally left Bada for good but you're struggling to get back on your feet.

Warnings: mentions of depression, angst, bullying, cursing

(A/N: y'all this has been such an emotional journey for all of us and i really thank you guys for the support you've given 🫶🫶)

| Prologue | Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 |

Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8

🍁🍁🍁🍁🍁🍁🍁🍁🍁🍁🍁🍁🍁🍁🍁🍁🍁🍁🍁🍁🍁🍁

You arrived in the states and it felt like you were nothing but a shell of the person you used to be. You talked to your family and they were amazing support system for you. You were slowly trying to heal but there were times that felt like time stood still and you're paralyzed in the moment of grief and sorrow from what Bada put you through for months. You'd often find yourself crying yourself to sleep, questioning why that happened to you and what went wrong that made your relationship turn like that. You always blamed yourself for everything went wrong until your family intervened and told you to get into therapy.

You were reluctant at first but it turned out it was everything you needed. All you ever wanted and all you ever needed was for someone to listen to you, for someone to tell you that your feelings are valid and important. It felt like you were slowly coming back to life after months. You slowly bounced back, started going out, made friends and even went on a few dates but nothing way too serious as you're making sure you're emotionally available for this next person you'll love. You didn't want the next person to feel like you're still being held back by your past and that you're only using them to move on. You don't want them to go through the same pain as you have gone through.

Bada on the other hand has drowned herself with work as she didn't want to remember you and all the things she did to you. She regretted everything, the guilt is eating her alive. All you did was love her, all you did was care for her but she played with you, she took advantage of your kindness, your love, your vulnerability. She took you for granted and she knows she won't ever have you back considering all the things that happened between you and her but she's still hoping, wishing and praying that she sees you one more time and tell you how sorry she is for doing everything she did.

She was linked to different people, some celebrities and some were not but she didn't date anyone after you. She didn't trust herself to get into another relationship. She's scared of doing the same thing she did to you. She heard from your friends and family that you're going through therapy and it took you a year to be remotely okay. When Bada heard, she broke down in the studio. She was crying from guilt and self loathing. She hated herself, still hates herself for doing those to you. Oh how she wishes she can turn back time and make things right but she knows she can't. She can only hope and pray that you'll be okay, and that maybe someday she'll be able to speak to you and ask for forgiveness.

Three years has passed and you were back in Korea but this time for a job. You were hired as a translator for Jam Republic, an international group who's been invited to participate in the second season of Street Woman Fighter 2. Your family were a bit hesitant to let you go back considering what happened three years ago but you told them that you'll be okay. You have forgiven Bada and have forgiven yourself as it was something that happened and you had no control over it. You wanted to move forward in your life though there's still an ache in your heart whenever your thoughts drift to Bada. If only things didn't go that way, if only things didn't go bad between you, you would've been celebrating three years together, maybe got married along the way like how you planned it together before.

"Be safe there, alright? Talk to us if you need anything.." your mom says as they sent you off to the airport. You hugged your parents tight and nodded your head. You grabbed your bags before getting in the cab that will take you to the airport. You're hoping that with your return, Korea gives you better memories than the memories you had three years prior.

You met with the girls and they were amazing. It felt like you just gained yourself sisters. Ling and Kirsten were the motherly type, Latrice is the fun middle child while Emma and Audrey are sweet yet chaotic youngsters. You're having fun with your work, everyone's great and everything's going well. You were running around, doing errands the studio as the filming for Street Woman Fighter is starting. You were way too busy that you accidentally bumped someone, your papers falling to the ground. You rushed to pick it up and the person did the same. Only when you saw the tattoo on their arm made your chest ache and for your heart to race like you were running a hundred miles per second. You wanted to speak but it felt like that there's a lump in your throat that's preventing you. You thought you were finally okay after years of therapy but all the emotions came rushing back, hitting you like a tidal wave when you realized who the person is that's helping you pick up papers. It was Bada.

———;

@lil-elliesgf @efyyylee @hwm1hyun @mikaleialt @bunnywonyo @badaswifey @mrs-grim-reaper @b1ackbunny @wifey-badalee

[we-are-knight]

whats the sad backstory behind the hema dodge post, if you dont mind me asking?

I have about 5 Asks about this, and the actual history to it is too long and elaborate to go into.

What I will confirm is that during the time of that clip, I was informally running the fencing group involved. I say 'informally' because I had zero interest in running it as a leader, and wanted to purely focus on teaching people to fence at higher levels, while letting everyone else determine the direction they took. During this time, I had a lot of accusations of hitting too hard, and had for many years. I was not able to fully fix this however, as I literally didn't know how to correct the mechanics to this, and no one had taken the time to actually look at the issue to rectify it. (It took my current fencing leader 20 minutes total to permanently fix this issue. In over a decade, less than half an hour was required to permanently solve this problem. No one made the effort with me until then).

In the background, there's a few people you can see watching this bout. One of them later took over the group by installing himself as the new president. Later, he would tell me I was now banned from the group, and give vague reasons as to why.

I still don't have a full understanding of why I was banned, nor was I told how to be allowed back. The closest I got was something about them retroactively applying a new code of conduct, and accusation that I had made the club a toxic environment.

This stings especially because I was never given any idea of what that meant or how to fix it, or a clear idea of what I had done. The club would then go on, with several of my former best friends, to totally remove any reference to me, and disallow reference to me. They also went on to use a club logo I had originally proposed, and when I attempted to speak positively of this, one of those people would directly message me saying that I was a horrible person and manipulating the scenario, and this was why people always moved away from me. I still don't know what that was meant to be about, and would reaffirm I had thought it was a hopeful gesture that they had adopted the logo I proposed, after which communication was ended. They also accused me of threatening the guy who installed himself, stealing club funds, and had some unpleasant things to say about my partner for good measure.

I ended up being ostracised from my sport for several months, and for most of last year, I realised that the HEMA community I looked up to, didn't care one mote about what had happened, and actively enabled the people involved. None of them have ever had any repercussions, and I will never really get closure. This has been the focus of regular therapy for me for over a year now.

For me, the video, impressive as it looks, features people in the background that have left me traumatised, and led to me abandoned by the only community I was actively engaged in for over a decade, realising I had no friends at all. I still will not attend certain events in the UK if I risk being alone, because the safeguarding in HEMA is basically non-existant, and based entirely on personality cults.

The only positive is that I was later recruited by another historical fencing group, who not only have safeguarding methods, but a professional set up and regular catch-ups to address the issues that most groups don't address. The experiences above taught me that HEMA as a culture will not help you if you are being bullied or ostracised, and so I have ensured that the culture of the current group I run is everything that the one in the video was not. I have had to ban exactly one person from my current group, and the process leading to them being banned was done with full engagement, and they remain on friendly terms with everyone since that judgement. The main positive, as such, was coming out of that experience with awareness of the failings of this sport, and committing to never perpetuating the cycle of abuse to others.

Even so, I'm still in therapy over it, and will never really get closure from it. I've totally lost faith in HEMA as a sport and culture, and continue fencing only because I can't bring myself to stop swinging a sword. And now I'm teaching a new group that has such enthusiasm and excitement, and has grown like nothing I've seen before, who say they stick with it because the culture of the current group is so warm. But it's a small consolation, as I won't consider going to events if the other group is there, if I am alone.

But keep in mind reading this that I am giving a very condensed form of things and how it affected me, and why that video brings me sadness, and a little anxiety.

[uservarric]

Do Rich Rider next!

1. favorite thing about them

oh i love him i love how he’s genuinely just a completely average guy - earth heroes “average guys” tend to always be super geniuses ie. peter parker. but rich is genuinely just a completely average normal dude. he flipped burgers when he wasn’t nova-ing! he barely scraped through high school (again, cause of the nova thing!). he was just a genuinely normal teenager with a complex cause of his super smart little brother. becoming nova was both the best and worst thing to ever happen to him.

2. least favorite thing about them

man is lowkey self-obsessed in the sense a depressed person is. everything is his fault, he’s pathetic, he’s wasting everyone’s time. he was like this even before he got powers - he clearly has self-worth issues that just get exacerbated the more he survives. clearly not the only person who clocked this because rich going into therapy was such a huge step!

3. favorite line

Holy shit he’s such an icon

“Let’s scream in his face anyway.” 🥺

“I pulled [Annihilus] inside out and saved the universe. What have YOU done lately, Tony?”

“Shut it, warcrimes.”

“I loved him too. You know that, right?” I’m UNWELL

“Please, Rich. I think you need to talk to someone about this.” “About the fan-sites?” “About the fact you’re dying.” he’s UNWELL

“Let’s review. Your ride is toast. I’m Nova. You’re dead. Allow me to demonstrate.” HOT.

4. brOTP

sam alexander. they’re brothers!!!

also the new warriors. that group tends to be ignored these days as a very formative time in Rich’s life - i’m due a reread, i’m part of the problem, i haven’t read that in over 12 years! but yeah, so many fond memories there <3

5. OTP

peter quill. they’ve just made so much sense forever

6. nOTP

idk if I really have one tbh? he’s not popular enough for these to form

7. random headcanon

Rich’s real superpower is that he’s actually turned into a surprisingly good cook. He finds the process quite relaxing. Which the guardians really appreciate because Pete “no patience” Quill burns everything because he gets distracted and, while they won’t admit it, they did grow accustomed to earth food while they were stuck down there.

8. unpopular opinion

Thank god he never made it into the MCU. Since 2006 has been going from strength to strength in the comics (a part from the few years when he was dead!). Since he came back in 2016/17 I don’t think anything he has been in has been bad. He either has the magic touch or he’s insanely lucky for dodging MCU synergy and having writers who clearly love him!!

9. song I associate with him

Fortress by Queens of the Stone Age

Watch me While I Bloom by Hayley Williams

10. favorite picture of them

juann cabal Rich is my little guy his big brown eyes <3

[wenevergotusedtoegypt]

Were you able to get to know your husband's parents before committing? I can't imagine choosing to marry into a family I dislike so much. Actually before I got married I split with a guy because our families just couldn't get along 😅 How do you feel about having to be so stressed about them for the rest of their natural lives? Or do you prefer to not be very close with extended family?

No, neither of us met the other’s parents until we were already engaged, although that wasn’t intentional (I very specifically wanted the parents to be met before an engagement, but, long story for a different post if you haven't been around here to see it previously, we got engaged when we did by accident). We only dated for 3 weeks before getting engaged and my in-laws live over a thousand miles away from us. I video called them shortly after we got engaged and met them in person about a month after we got engaged/2 months before we got married and that was the only time I saw them before the wedding.

I'm not sure that I would've gotten to know them well enough to take issue with them prior to the wedding even if they had been local and I'd met with them several times, though. One of the biggest issues is that my MIL gets offended easily and then instead of speaking to the person who offended her, complains to my FIL and/or my husband and tries to get them to fix it for her. I feel like if this type of thing had happened when we were only dating, my husband just wouldn't have told me about it and I wouldn't have known. The first time I offended her was at our wedding. She called him crying about it the next day or the day after but he only told me about the whole thing much later on. To my face she didn't give even the slightest hint of being upset at the time.

But, even if I had gotten to know them better beforehand, I can't fathom choosing not to marry my husband because of them. It would be one thing if there was some kind of toxic dynamic between him and them that would impact our marriage. But he gets just as frustrated with them as I do. Until this year we typically only saw them in person once a year-ish (less during covid) and the family group chat with them is not very active (mostly just my MIL wishing us a Shabbat Shalom every Friday and us sending a handful of grandchild photos every few weeks). Actual required interaction has been minimal and that means that the vast majority of the time it's a total non-issue, even though when it IS an issue, it's a big issue. To give up the man I love because I have to interact with his parents maybe 1% of the time wouldn't be a rational decision.

Also, to be clear, it's not even that I "dislike" my MIL. She isn't a bad person and she doesn't have bad intentions, she just has severe and completely untreated anxiety, probably also some level of depression, but refuses to recognize that there is a problem and therefore refuses to seek help for it (my husband has tried to get her into therapy and she rejects it out of hand). I feel extremely bad for her. It must be horrifically difficult to go through life the way she does. But also...she is incredibly hard to be around and now suddenly she wants to see us multiple times a year.