#guess with that memory shes able to stop the fusion?

[creative-shine]

waiting for this story to make me cry again it's been a while. please I want to be miserable, give me angst

[akashis-waifu]

An Eternity of Mind Games with You (Aizen Sousuke x Reader)

Canon-divergence one-shot, set years after TBYW. Female reader is the Soul King, so is Aizen if you squint hard enough. Your first name is "Hana" for plot-purposes.

Tags: Domestic!Aizen with usual sass, wholesome, fluff, cringe but we embrace it. Immortal x immortal, enemies struggling with new established co-dependency. This might seem slightly out of character, but we've got Kyoka Suigetsu to blame. Contains spoilers on the ending of TBYW and CFYOW!

"Oh please, dear wife."

You raise an eyebrow at your self-proclaimed husband. The two of you have only been together for a decade as Lord and retainer — co-rulers, if you squint hard enough — after Aizen Sousuke tricked you into absorbing the Hougyoku, which apparently had long merged with his spirit. In effect, the man became a part of the Soul King and is now able to use your authority, as long as you agree to it.

In return, you get to wield one of the greatest Zanpakuto, Kyoka Suigetsu. You see it as an absolute win, the Central 46 doesn't.

As to why Aizen insists that you two are husband and wife, he argues that "A system where a man and a woman govern together is called monarchy. And it goes without saying that a King and a Queen are married." He seems to have put the cart before the horse, a very uncharacteristic blunder for the renowned war criminal. You simply guess that the fusion might have caused him brain damage.

"I swear, I haven't used Kyoka Suigetsu for a long time. There is literally no reason for you to act delusional."

He feigns to be hurt at your words. "You are the king, I am the queen. How can we not be married?"

"It's crazy how you easily admit to being the queen now." During your ascension, you had to repeatedly remind him that the Soul King was you. If he insisted on his god-complex-driven monarchy delusion, the Queen would be him.

Aizen shrugs. "As the human saying goes, let me cook."

Chills run down your spine. Something is wrong. "Maybe I'm the delusional one."

"Took you a long time to realize."

A shattering sound awakens you. After adjusting to reality, you glare at Aizen Sousuke who has successfully swiped the two Heavenly Tickets out of your hand.

"Please stop using Kyoka Suigetsu on me."

He chuckles mockingly. "You have a funny mind, I can't help it."

You try to take the tickets from him. Those are your mode of transportation to Seireitei! "It's Rukia's inauguration today. We really need to go!"

"You can go by yourself."

"I can't leave you here alone!"

Aizen smiles. He knows that it is a matter of distrust — that he might destroy the Soul Palace in your absence — but teases you nonetheless. "What a caring wife you are."

"Is the illusion not over yet?"

"My apologies. I'm simply not in the mood to head to Seireitei today," he explains briefly, before turning around. "Feel free to go without me."

You watch with curious eyes as Aizen leaves the room. He has undoubtedly mellowed out compared to 10 years ago. Memories flash through your mind.

At the end of the war, you were supposed to absorb Yhwach, become the Soul King, and be sacrificed as the new linchpin of the Three Realms. If Aizen hadn't given you the Hougyoku that granted your divinity as the Soul King, you wouldn't have gained the authority to banish Hyosube Ichibe.

If it weren't for Aizen, you would've been mutilated into a thoughtless doll. You may not express it, but you are eternally grateful to him.

Standing at the edge of the Soul Palace, you stare at the boundless sky below. It is almost time for your departure.

"He tells me to go by myself, but he knows I hate jumping all the way down to Soul Society. He could have at least returned my ticket to me." You sigh and jump anyway.

Upon arriving at Seireitei, you use Kyoka Suigetsu to disguise yourself as a white butterfly. You dispel the Shikai after reaching the 13th Division.

"Hana-san! Ah, I mean, Soul King!" Kuchiki Rukia hastily corrects herself. She then invites you to a celebratory dinner and you spend some time with the Thirteen Court Guard Squads.

The party ends late. Rukia offers the Kuchiki residence for you to spend the night in, but you decline, worried that someone might wreak havoc in your palace if left alone for too long.

She suggests to escort you to Shiba Kuukaku's hideout, aware that you would need the cannon to return to the Soul Palace. Still, you refuse, "No no! No need. It's already late, Rukia, go to sleep. I usually disguise myself as a harmless butterfly when I go around Seireitei to avoid unnecessary attention. Don't worry!"

On the way to the hideout, you feel that you're being followed. You instantly regret declining her offer.

When Aizen finds you in the middle of Seireitei, you are already bleeding from a large cut on your torso. He rushes to your side and activates the Hougyoku to accelerate your healing. As if to laud his effort, you soon regain consciousness.

"Aizen...?" you ask, vision still blurry. "What are you doing here? I... I thought you didn't want to go."

"You're not adept at using Kyoka Suigetsu yet. An incident like this is bound to happen."

"I see," you chuckle weakly. "No wonder she saw through my disguise."

His grip on your shoulder tightens. "Who was it?"

"Candace."

"Candace?"

You cough out blood multiple times and reach out to caress his cheek, as if ready to utter your last words — which would be if he doesn't take the joke lightly.

"Can deez nuts."

Aizen deadpans. A shattering sound takes him out of his reverie, and he looks over his shoulder to see you fiddling with the tickets that he had previously hidden in his sleeves.

Of course, the whole farce was an illusion. He should've known since the Hougyoku grants instant regeneration. He sighs in annoyance. "I'd like to take the Hougyoku back. You're too insufferable."

"Is that a request for divorce?"

He smirks. "So, you acknowledge our marriage."

"Hell no!" You click your tongue, frustrated that he always has the perfect comebacks. "Can't you act normal for once? What happened to Aizen Sousuke, the war criminal?"

"You prefer that version of me?" He pushes his hair back. You aren't used to that sight since he always has his hair down when you're alone together.

You visibly cringe. "Stop doing that. What would you do if people recognized you?"

"We're using Kyoka Suigetsu. From their perspective, we are nothing but butterflies attracted to beautiful flowers basking in the moonlight."

You frown at him. "We're literally walking on concrete. Not a single flower can be found here."

"There is."

Aizen raises your chin, staring directly into your eyes. "Hana."

Too stunned to speak, you allow yourself a moment to think.

You finally understand why Aizen was so popular when he was still with the Thirteen Court Guard Squads. His strength, intellect, charisma — the sultry voice and handsome features that you will never admit to his face — he used everything at his disposal to manipulate everyone.

It will never work on you, though. Not today, nor in a million years.

You are good, he is evil. You are yang, he is yin.

You are pure, he is corrupted.

The Soul King can never let Aizen Sousuke dye Her in his color, for that would mean the end of the Three Realms.

You give him a thin smile. "Would you like the Hougyoku back? I can hand it to you now."

"Oh, you jest." Aizen feels the sudden shift in mood and lets you go. That's enough teasing, he muses to himself.

With an eternity to look forward to, he doesn't mind biding his time. You are the Soul King, the strongest, most benevolent, and most dangerous being in the Three Realms. It goes without saying that you are the greatest challenge he will ever face. It could take hundreds or thousands of years — even millions — but he knows that you will submit to him one day.

It's not a matter of if, but when.

You extend a hand at him. "Let's go home, Sousuke."

But, he has to make sure you don't win him over first.

[no1maddoxfan]

Y'all

ITS THE MOTHER FUCKER!!!!

IMMA START SHANKING PEOPLE!!!! SO HAPPY THE BASTARD BITCH IS BACK FUCK!!!

Love Kuaiduol obviously.

So imma guess Yuamu wants to ensure she's Otes so Yuga doesn't have to take that role??? Right?? I don't fucking know. But if she was being literal during S2 final then, I guess that means we know who Otes is. I mean I had a feeling but, I didn't feel good about it.

It's probably Yudias.

I don't even wanna put that in the air. I hate it. Id rather it be Manabu at this point. You can't do this to my boy he's so good he's never done anything wrong fuck them Ohdos fr!! But the fact that Yuamu is going this far AND Yuhi joining her, even if it's to try and stop her, kinda solidifies that it ain't either of them, cause they the villains rn. So either it's 1) Yuga or 2) not Yuga. While Yuga makes more sense, if it ain't him, who's left??

Or is it Yuna??

I just thought of that rn holy shit it's Yuna!! Y'all be so fr its Yuna!! 1) Owns Goha 2) I can't think of anything else. Look, I just don't want it to be my boy, he's too good for this 😥😥😥.

It doesn't make logistical sense, but if people are out here wiping memories then 🤔🤔. It's a mega reach though. Most things that relate the 2 can easily be explained by the Earthdamar thing. And Yudias is the only character the doesn't work due the the current shows rules, not just actions done in the last show.

Things That (kinda) Relate OTES and Yudias:

Color scheme. White outer coat with the red inside and the black turtle neck with yellow accents. Except Zwijo's coat lining is also red, Myuda's coat is also white, and all the Velgearians in turtle necks are black with yellow accents.

Relic shit. If Yudias and Kuaiduol's fusion is permanent, there's no reason why Yudias shouldn't be able to pilot it. Except that with Kuaiduol scenes we know there's a control panel in there, anyone can use it.

Seemingly omnipresent. Not a Yudias thing, but since Kuaiduol can watch shit via the relic, anyone who can use it can. Previous point still applies.

TLDR I forgot why I was typing this. There's probably better reasons but I'm not good at this kinda shit. I mean, all the theories I spent so long writing out were wrong, girl just wants to be Otes.

Liked the duel, kinda iffy on Yuamu's motives, but I'll probably change my mind when Yuga shows up. Which he will. When not if.

[4056-fiore]

Words & Images

Vignettes

Vignette 1: Frozen Motion

In the thick of light

Between her hand covering her face and the way she had her eyes almost completely shot, only a fragment, a streak of light was able to reach her. In the path of luminosity, she noticed the way the drops had formed a precise formation, how they had a leader upfront and the rest seemed to want to catch up in the race of who gets to the ground first. Enclosed by the light the droplets seemed eternal, so clear to the bare eye now that their usual transparency has been replaced by the reflection of the car's light, some appeared to her as soft as her mothers touch but other were as rigid as her fathers thoughts, but as everything eternal, they were impossible to reach.

Vignette 2: Blurred Motion

Dance of time

Like the rest of the world, the clock was still running. The clock hands were going so fast I thought they were performing a dance of some type, the movement was consequential and uniform, in a perfect rhythm. I couldn't distinguish where the time started and the seconds stopped, but I guess neither could the people with no faces. The faces that walked below the clock were following the dance of the clock, they went from right to left and from up to down, trying to give their attention to the one that was making the loudest noise among the fusion of claims. Between the dance of the time and the abstract formed by frowns, I knew that I was lost in time. 

Vignette 3: Depth of Field

The weight of the dust

The last object to be packed with the rest of memories and complicated emotions, was sitting there alone on the empty coffee table. A single frame, with a single memory, borders covered in dust and cobwebs trying to upstage the couple on the photo. On its right corner a fissure radiated almost to the center of the picture, barely touching the smiles, the last proof of happiness in that house. Furthermore, if one cared enough to pay attrition, they could also identify a single drop of blood in the middle of the fracture, dark and dry, reminiscing of the years that had passed. The frame gave its back to the millions of unidentified boxes and covered furniture, wanting to be the only one left to stand alone in the same place where everything was created and torn down.

2. Experimenting with techniques

3. Questions

My main difficulty was trying to name something that I have already done before and trying to replicate based on the idea. I had written stuff like this before but never with the purpose to match a photography technique. So it was really difficult to sort of deconstruct a term that I considered to be more exact in its meaning and use it to write, which is something more natural and forgetting in my experience.

With the photos I had trouble achieving what I planned to do beforehand. Like in my mind, I had a clear picture of what I wanted to achieve and I knew, in theory, how to do it, but when taking the actual pictures, they weren't coming out as I expected.

[karahalloway]

20 Questions

Thanks so much for the tag @bebepac! I love stuff like this!  🤩

Nickname: Kati (Kara is a pen name). Alternatively, I go by ‘Bunny’ (husband) and ‘Mommy’ (my son).

Zodiac Sign: Sagittarius and proud! 😊

Height: 170cm, which is approx. 5′ 6′’ (I used to be 168cm but I ended up grown 2cm while I was pregnant... weird, huh)

Last Movie I saw: Erm... I think it was Snatch. We definitely watched Snatch last weekend, but I can’t remember if we’ve watched another movie since then... Unless it’s to do with my fics, my memory is terrible... 😅

Last thing I Googled: Italian swearwords (you will understand when I post Chapter 2 of Sleepless in New York!)

Favourite Musician: Eugh... I have no idea! What music I listen to depends on what mood I’m in. But at the moment it’s a bit of a four-way tie between Luke Bryan, Jeremy Renner and Ed Sheeran (previously it was Chris Stapleton and Mikolas Josef).

Song Stuck in my head: Bad Habits by Ed Sheeran (my new favourite song!) Did I mention I like Ed Sheeran at the moment...? 😅

Other Blogs: https://yycwalkies.wordpress.com/ Haven’t updated it since I started writing fanfic though...

Blogs Following: Mostly TRR writers, but some art, photography and movies/TV shows as well

Sleep Patterns: A lot 😆 I love sleep! I got to bed between 9:30pm and 10:00pm usually as I need to be up by 7:00am to take my son to pre-school and I need at least 9 hours of sleep a night to be functional the next day.

Lucky Numbers: 2, 7, 14, 72

What am I wearing: Cosy sweatpants, t-shirt and an oversized cardigan (it’s winter where I am - as in cold + snow). When I’m at home, I wear ‘home’ clothes.

What would I do if capitalism didn’t exist: Guess it kind of depends on what we’d have instead... Would it be communism (in which case I’d probably be writing for some kind of underground anti-establishment publication), or something more idealistic like a hippie commune (in which case I’d be reconnecting with nature and doing a lot of yoga)

Dream Trip: Oh, my God... so many! I want to go see the Pyramids, Machu Pichu, the Great Wall of China, Japan, New Zealand, Yellowstone, go on safari in Kenya, cruise around the Med, Istanbul, Ireland, Scotland, Montana, Texas, explore all of Canada... The list goes on!

Favourite Food: Again... This is a hard question. Depends on what mood I’m in. But I will very rarely turn down Asian-fusion, sushi, Indian, burgers, Italian- or New York-style pizza (I like the thin crust). And cake. I love cake! 🍰

Instruments I play: None at the moment... I used to play the piano in elementary school and flute in middle school, but I’ve totally forgotten these skills now!

Languages I speak: English, Hungarian and some French. I used to be able to speak Danish (spent a year abroad there and took a month-long Danish language course). I can also read and get the gist of Spanish based on French. Just don’t ask me to say anything!

Favourite Songs: Oh, so many! Some of them include: 

Ed Sheeran - Shivers, Bad Habits, Stop the Rain, Sing, Shape of You, Galway Girl

Luke Bryan - Move, My Kind of Night, Driving This Thing, Knockin’ Boots, Country Girl (Shake It For Me)

Jeremy Renner - Nomad, Just My Type, She’s a Fire, Main Attraction

Chris Stapleton - Parachute, Tennessee Whiskey

Bryan Adams - Open Road, Run to You, The Only Thing That Looks Good on Me is You

Mikolas Jozef - Lie to Me, Colorado, Me Gusta

Other - Good Times Roll (Jimmie Allen & Brad Plaisley), Old Town Road (Lil Nas X & Bill Ray Cyrus), Honky Tonk On (Hayden Haddock), All Eyes on Us (Jon Langston), Must Be the Whiskey (Cody Jinks), High Horse (Nelly, Breland & Blanco Brown), Throw it Back (Breland & Keith Urban), Hard to Leave (Riley Green), Lit in the Sticks (Ryan Langdon), Chasing After You (Ryan Hurd & Maren Morris), She Drives Me Crazy (Brad Kissel), Take My Breath (The Weeknd)

Random facts about me: I’ve lived in 7 countries so far; when I was young (like a toddler) I was ambidextrous and really good a drawing (according to my mom, at any rate!); I’ve been writing since high school; I’ve loved reading since elementary school; I’m a total introvert and need to spend some alone time each day, or I get massively grouchy; we have two doggos and a catto; I love horse riding and hiking; I love chocolate!

Tagging @aussiegurl1234 @angelasscribbles @nestledonthaveone @petiteboheme @walkerdrakewalker @kingliam2019 @lovingchoices14 @peonierose​ and anyone else who wants to share some info about themselves!

[xenospacebabe]

Broken Wings pt2.

A/N: Ya’ll thanks so much for the positive reaction to my first drabble! A few of you asked me to continue it so I think I’ll make this a little bit of an ongoing thing. Enjoy! Also, I’m doing this all from my phone, so I can’t do page breaks. Apologies to anyone just scrolling by!

Summary: After breaking one of his wings, Hawks breaks into an animal clinic for some help. Little does he know that the doctor there would occupy his mind this much.

For some reason, this had been the longest week in your career. Your techs noticed that you were a little bit distracted in the moments of downtime between patients. But they knew better than to pry into your personal business, history proved that you had a very solid separation between work and real life. You never mixed business with pleasure and it made you a better doctor, in your opinion. It helped you focus more intently on your patients and their care.

That being said, even the most complicated cases couldn’t stop your mind from wandering back to the winged hero who essentially broke into your clinic for a broken wing. You wondered if he was taking your advice by resting his wings and his body. However given that he was the number 2 hero, you knew that probably wasn’t very likely.

After the last surgery of the day was finished, and the last client was out the door, you and your technicians cleaned up the clinic so they could all go home. First to arrive last to leave, today was no different. But today you showed up early just in case Hawks-...Keigo.. decided to drop by before you opened for a check-up. And when he didn’t, you were frustrated with disappointment you felt. You remained hopeful that he would appear tonight.

By the second hour after closing and no sign of the pro hero, you felt your heart hanging in your stomach. So with a heavy sigh, you started checking hospitalized patients to make sure they had what they needed and turning off lights. Though just as you had given up and opened the side door to leave, you were greeted with a full vision of giant wings.

He was there.

“Keigo!” You yelped out in excitement, the smile on your face illuminated the space between you.

“Hey Doc.” His voice drawled, smirking. He liked how happy you looked to see him. It made his heart flutter in a funny way. “Miss me?”

“Maybe. Come inside, we’ll get you checked out.” You retreated back into the clinic and he brushed past you. The discouragement you felt earlier faded away with every passing second and was replaced with pure joy.

Keigo followed you into exam and leaned onto the counter, sharp eyes trained on you with a bright intensity. You weren’t able to put your finger on how it made you feel when his gaze was headstrong on you. Nervous? Excited?

“So, how are you feeling? Any pain or numbness?” Right to business. He admired that about you. Instead of fawning over him and tripping over your words, you were calm and composed. At least, that’s what you wanted him to think. Inside, you were in chaos.

“Ehh...not really. It’s sore but that’s about it.” The wing in mention shifted slightly. You noticed that the splint you had placed was in really good condition. Save for a few rubbed spots where you assumed he was trying to scratch. That meant he was resting, taking your advice in stride.

“You know, there’s no secret cameras or microphones here. You don’t have to pretend.” He froze in place, his expression stilled with shock. Keigo hadn’t realized he was being that transparent. But honestly, it was easy to see. The bags under his eyes indicated he wasn’t sleeping well. Or at all. You waited for a response. This wasn’t uncommon. Pet parents lied all the time to make it seem like they weren’t making any mistakes when their animal was sick. But honesty helped you help them. And eventually, they would always relent.

“Damn, it’s that obvious huh?”

“Oh yeah. So, spill it.” Your hands slowly reached for the wing to get a feel of the splint. It needed a few adjustments which could be easily done.

“It uh...aches. And it’s really dull and ongoing. But it goes away. I can handle it.” Nodding along to his explanation you fished into a drawer beside him for scissors, another roll of tape, and a few pads of gauze.

“I can write you a script to fill at a pharmacy for some relief. And don’t think of telling me no. Is the pain ever sharp?” He nodded quietly.

“Is that bad?” You gingerly removed the tape and padding from the existing splint, making sure to not pull on his feathers or apply unnecessary pressure to the break.

“No, so long as it doesn’t keep up and you don’t have any fevers or anything like that. If you don’t care, I want to get another xray to see where we’re at as far as healing goes.”

The hero grinned, looking so smug and you didn’t know why. He leaned in close, his nose only a few inches away from yours. From this short distance you could really see how rich the golden color of his eyes were, just like an actual hawk. However, the stare she was getting wasn’t from just any bird. It was from this handsome, charming pro hero who make your insides squirm.

“If you wanted me to take off my shirt all you had to do was ask.” The redness came to your face in a rush and you suddenly felt hot. The sound of his chuckling only made your heart race and palms sweat.

“I-I-...it’s just easier-...we don’t have to-...”

“Relax, I’m kidding~” You sighed as he removed his jacket followed by the top of his hero uniform. His skin was significantly less bruised, you noticed. The cuts and abrasions were healing very well. However, in taking in the state of his wounds, you didn’t realize that you were staring.

Keigo’s physique was so clean and cut that you couldn’t help but wonder how his skin felt beneath your palms. What the heat of his body felt like. Eventually, you became aware of your unwavering stare and cleared your throat to break the awkward silence.

Several moments and a few xrays later...

“Okay, so everything is starting to bond the way it should. See the humerus here?” Your finger pointed to the bone with a jagged fusion starting. He nodded to indicate he understood. “It’s still pretty unstable so will need to remain splinted. But that’s normal for a break like this.”

Shouldering his jacket and slipping his arms into the sleeves, he popped the collar back up into place before sighing.

“Right, still grounded.” The tone of his voice seemed sad but you were understanding of why. For someone with as little freedom as Keigo, denying the one thing that made him feel liberated felt like a punishment.

“I’m sorry, Keigo. But you’re doing great so far. I’m really happy with the progress I’m seeing.”

The process of resplinting his wing was painful, but not as bad as it was the week before. You made sure to layer the gauze carefully so the bones would be cushioned and safe. Keigo admired how gentle your hands were, how soft your palms felt against his sensitive feathers. It took a lot of effort to remain composed around you. But as soon as you were done and your hands left him, he was left with a lingering sense of longing.

The hero followed you out and into your office where you sat down in the old chair that had been there almost as long as you’d been alive. He looked around and noticed all the pictures and belongings that decorated the walls and shelves. Honing in on one photo in the middle of the wall of a little girl holding what appeared to be a newborn foal, he looked back at you.

“Is this you?”

“Hm? Oh. Yeah. That was the first foal I ever helped my dad deliver when he was working with horses.” Keigo looked impressed and moved down the line of frames. Lots of smiling faces and memories.

“You were a cute kid, y’know?” Hands shifted into his pockets and he leaned against a filing cabinet. You scoffed and waved your hand dismissively. “No really. You grew up into a really beautiful woman. Inside and out.”

“Really?” You looked at him in confusion. Your hair was a mess and you were wearing yesterday’s mascara. Surely he was just teasing you like those boys did in elementary school. Always picking on you because you came to school with horses on your tshirts and nose always buried in books about animals.

“Well yeah. I don’t just let anyone put their hands on my wings and have my feathers, you know.”

“About that. Why did-..”

“I can’t explain it, but I just wanted to make sure you were safe, I guess.” You were thankful for the dim lighting of your small office so he wouldn’t see your cheeks blush. You weren’t used to compliments like that and it showed.

“So uh-...Same time next week, Doc?” He could sense your exhaustion and decided not to keep you here longer than needed. But even so, you visibly pouted at the thought of saying goodbye again. Without thinking, you found a sticky note and quickly scribbled something down before handing it to him. “What’s this?”

“J-just for emergencies. It’s my cell number. If you know...if you feel any pain or need anything while the clinic is closed.” As he looked at the numbers you wrote the prescription you mentioned earlier which he then accepted and slipped into his pocket.

“Heh alright. Maybe I’ll shoot you a text if I get lonely.” The panic on your face made him laugh. You really were cute. Why did he have to say it like that?

“Oh my god, just go!” You shrieked, shoving him out the door while he continued to laugh. However before he relented and disappeared, he turned quickly and pressed a kiss to your cheek. You stood still in stunned silence. Your skin tingled where his lips had been, fingers lifting to touch the spot in disbelief.

“See ya later. I’ll text you.” Keigo backed away down and disappeared into the dark alley. Leaving you standing there wondering if you had dreamed what just happened. Your heart raced, the pulse thundering in your ears

Oh no....

[essays-for-breakfast]

One Candle Still Flickers

Melizabethweek Day 2: Heaven and Hell

Please note that this piece contains mentions of blood and violence. If this makes you uncomfortable, turn away now.

Scorching heat. Blistering cold. Air that burns the lungs and tears at the sensitive tissue in the throat until even screams of agonizing pain become an impossible feat. And oh, does he scream.

Compared to even the foulest depths of Meliodas’ wretched hellscape of a home, the Demon Realm, Purgatory offers a charming hospitality no one can withstand for long. He tries, of course. Tells himself that he overcame worse pain, that the frostbites on his arms and the iron taste of blood in his mouth don’t compare to all 106 times he watched Elizabeth die, and that the shredded skin on his fingertips is an illusion summoned by his father.

After all, only Meliodas’ emotions roam the desolate canyons.

The weakest part of himself trapped in the cruelest part of the world.

Somewhere in the smoke-heavy clouds, obscured by the constant ash rain from volcanic activity, the Demon King laughs. Meliodas spits out a lump of blood and sends the towering frame of his father a humorless grin. At least one of them is having fun.

The next step costs him more energy than he has to give, and Meliodas falls to his knees. More ash under his fingernails, another lungful of distillated fume eager to kill him. The searing pain while his illusory organs devolve to embers for the thousandths time almost entices a begrudging respect for his father out of him. He has defied the scorching heat and the blistering cold since the end of the Holy War, and he still has the liveliness to laugh at Meliodas’ failed attempts to escape.

For how long have they played this game now? How many years, decades, and eons have passed since the curse pulled Meliodas into Purgatory?

He doesn’t know. The creator of this ugly fusion between a glacier and a volcano hasn’t bothered to install a clock.

Ash flakes tumble from above and leave black scars on the back of Meliodas’ hand. The forefinger twitches in a desperate struggle to hold onto life, hope, anything that will help him stand again.

“Elizabeth…” he whispers.

“Will you die with the witch’s name on your lips too?” The Demon King’s voice thunders in Meliodas’ head, and a fiery eruption from the nearest volcano punctuates his words.

Meliodas pushes himself on his forearms. “You made sure I can’t die, remember? You’re getting rusty, old man.”

“Your insolent tongue is just as worthless as the entirety of your emotions. They only hinder you from becoming my successor.”

“I’ll gladly take my insolent tongue over a world where I become like you.”

The Demon King points a finger the size of a grown man at Meliodas. “There is no stopping it now. As we speak, my loyal subjects are gathering the Ten Commandments, and your body will soon fuse with their magic. Then neither the Seven Deadly Sins nor your dear goddess will be able to stand against the reborn Demon King.”

“Then I guess I just have to find the exit before that happens.”

The Demon King’s laugh rings for a long time between the twisted rock formations. Meliodas climbs to his knees, but his shell of a body refuses to support the weight of his worries. More ash under his fingernails, another lungful of distillated fume eager to kill him. Another century gone by without a glint of success, without a glimmer of hope.

Purgatory may never kill him. But to survive in this world is to endure endless suffering where despair gnaws at him with every step until he loses himself in shapeless shadows, destined to wander the lava riversides and blizzard-coated mountain peaks for the rest of time.

Meliodas takes another step.

For her. Elizabeth.

He has to return to Britannia before the Demon King can reach his horrid claw around her. Before the curse claims her life anew.

Her face, in the variant as princess of Liones and all the incarnations before her, keeps Meliodas upright and pushes him to scale another cliffside, even as his field of vision shrinks and the shadows at the edge take over.

Golden Warmth. A liberating breeze. Puffy fine-weather clouds as far as the eye can see, an entire ocean of them. And in between these white waves float islands with alabaster towers and grass so eternally green it can only exist in a place far beyond all destructive influences. An endless summer sun caresses his neck.

Meliodas digs his fingers into the ground where he fell, although he hardly feels the sharp pebbles anymore.

Why do the memories of the Celestial Realm return to him now? Elizabeth, the very first incarnation he fell in love with, took him to her home once. They played a dangerous game of hide and seek with the countless Goddess warriors there. If even one of them had seen through Meliodas pathetic disguise, at least one of the parties involved would have lost their head. Despite the threat of discovery, Elizabeth dragged him to all her favorite places with a cheer she rarely allowed herself to show. A vast field of golden wheat hems. The top of an abandoned tower, half destroyed and seized by ivy tendrils.

Amidst the bloodshed of the Holy War and despite the feud that divides their clans, Elizabeth offered Meliodas a hand. With nothing but a smile and her belief in the good in others, she pulled him out of hell. Shoulder to shoulder with her, he saw heaven for the first time.

“Elizabeth,” Meliodas says. He hardly recognizes his voice. “I let you down again. If it’s always ending like this, why’d you take my hand that day? Why didn’t you give up on me?”

The warmth of her presence is so very far away. Where she used to stroke his arms, only freezing numbness remains. Where she used to kiss him, his lips only taste the burning aridity of Purgatory.

But even if she is so very far away, an incarnation of Elizabeth is still out there, alive. Maybe she is standing amidst the chaos of magical and hellfire explosions and leads the war against the cruel fangs of darkness as she always did. Maybe she is gazing into a star-sprinkled sky and waits for his return. Maybe she still believes he will fulfill his promise and free her of her curse.

A blood-red vail has overtaken Meliodas’ vision. When he struggles out of the dust to his feet, he has lost his humanoid shape. A shadow stands in his place, a perversion of the dragon creature with which he shares the name of his sin. Wrath.

Somewhere hidden in the smoke screens, the Demon King triumphs. At last, his son’s emotions have given into hopelessness.

But in a place deep in the insides of the shadow dragon, Meliodas keeps a flame alight. Elizabeth’s face kindles the spark, her gentle hands shield the candle against the hurricanes and hailstorms, and her voice, filled with tireless encouragement, nurtures the beacon.

She fought for him during the Holy War. They fought for each other against the overwhelming might of gods. Even if she is so very far away, Meliodas will fight for her.

As the shadow to her light.

Scorching heat. Blistering cold. Claws that dig into the most treacherous slopes carry him forward, step by step. He tears through Purgatory’s pitiful inhabitants and shreds any creature that hinders his search for the exit. For a moment, he may lose himself and taste this senseless wrath the Demon King wants him to dissolve into. But the flame inside endures.

Years, decades, and eons go by, glaciers melt and magma chambers freeze, while Meliodas fights. For her. Elizabeth.

The dragon creature which serves as Meliodas’ shell roars and bares its teeth. His current opponent is of the nasty type. He doesn’t yield. Neither does Meliodas.

They slam each other into the rock formations, break each other’s bones, and throw themselves at the other as though this brawl is all they’ve ever known and all that ever mattered.

Meliodas should hate his opponent. After all he, aside from the Demon King, stands as the only one with the power to deter his escape. And yet… this gritty, pesky bastard he crushes and is getting crushed by has the air of familiarity to him. Meliodas knows his fighting style. Furthermore, he knows all too well the flame that convinces his opponent to strike blow after blow until they collapse into a heap of limps and shadows.

They both feel the exhaustion in each haggard breath. And yet they both won’t die.

Meliodas’ opponent mumbles something. His words have never quite reached through the shadows clogging Meliodas’ senses, but they gain a new clarity now that the frenzy of battle flees him.

“…holding out for you in the land of the living,” a familiar voice says. “And I… want to see the woman who means the world to me.”

Yeah. I do too.

[runrundoyourstuff]

Seasons

(A Steven Universe Fic, 2632 words)

Written with love for a holiday exchange with the wonderful @mimik-u !

Prompt: Steven teaches one of the Diamonds about something beautifully mundane (a la Peridot learning about rain.)

--

It’s almost comical how the Dondai pales in size when compared to the Arm Ship—and the magnitude of the difference only grows as Steven descends the ridge. There are some items, both of human and Gem origin, that seemed larger when he was smaller—when he was younger—when everything mysterious in the world, every new thing he learned about himself, filled him with wonder. The Diamond ships, however, are not among these items. They’re as large now as they always seemed to him, if not quite as foreboding. As are the Diamonds themselves, and he is reminded of this, as Yellow disembarks from her spacecraft.

She doesn’t see him right away. Or if she does notice the car, she doesn’t have the frame of reference to recognize it as his, and even after he parks it beside the ship and gets out, it’s several moments before she turns around and acknowledges him standing there.

“Steven!”

“Hey, Yellow.”

“When I called, I hadn’t realized…” She sputters. “Your...your family returned my message to inform me that you were leaving on a conquest—”

“A conquest?”

“Yes, they said that you were going to travel—”

“Yeah, but not on a conquest!”

“Of course, of course, a scouting mission, then—”

“No! Nothing like that! Just a trip! I just...needed to hit the road for a while. Figure out what’s next.”

“I...right, of course. Your—I mean, the Pearl said that you would be taking a hiatus from your Diamond duties…”

At this, Steven chuckles. “Pearl wants me to.” But then he becomes serious. “I shouldn’t laugh. She’s trying to make sure that I take care of myself. She—all of them really, want to make sure I know that I don’t have to be involved in any Gem stuff if I don’t want to. That it’s my choice. And ya know, it’s true that I don’t want it to be my whole life, not like it was when I was a kid. And because there’s no hierarchy anymore, I do want to give other Gems a chance to manage things on Earth if they want to—to show them it doesn’t always have to be a Diamond, and I’m not a Diamond anyway—but I do want to be involved, ya know? Or at least know what’s going on! I put so much work into everything, and not all of it was bad. I was really proud of a lot of what we did, and the Gems are my family…” A pause. “Anyway, that’s all to say that I routed some of the messages from the Base to my phone.”

“I see. I…” She pauses. “I didn’t intend...You did not need to come. I merely called because I didn’t want to catch you off guard. Give your...our...Given my history, I thought if I showed up on your planet unannounced—”

“It’s not my planet.”

“No, of course not. I meant the planet on which you reside. I’ve already...I did not intend to make you feel that…that you needed to come fix—”

Steven raises a hand. “I know. I just happened to be in the area, so I thought I’d stop by. Say hi.”

“Ah. Alright.” The silence resounds. Yellow’s eyes flit away.

“So,” Steven says after a moment—looking for something, anything, to cut through the quiet. “Why Zona?”

“Is that what this place is called?” Yellow glances around. “I needed an area of the Earth where I would cause the least disruptions, where I could dig a sufficiently large hole such that I could access the Cluster. I initially planned on going to one of the Kindergartens, as we’d already irrevocably destroyed all hope of organic life thriving there—I thought I could minimize the destruction. But each already has a fairly extensive subterranean framework that makes it impossible for me to dig deep enough.” She sighs. “I realize this place isn’t perfect. My digging will certainly disrupt some of the plant life. But it appeared at least that there were few humans in the vicinity…”

“Mm.” Steven leads against the hood of his car. “I’m surprised you brought your ship out here and didn’t just Warp. We’re not that far from the Beta Kindergarten, and there’s a Warp there...”

“Those Warps weren’t built for us. We’re much too large.”

“I guess that’s true, but you could always shapeshift.”

“Hmm. I suppose. But there was also the equipment to bring.”

“Equipment?”

“Yes, I...There are...billions of shards in the Cluster. I figured...if I am going to dismantle it and reconstruct each of the Gems whose shards it conatiend, it would likely be easier for me to do it on Earth, rather than bringing all the Shards back to Homeworld. I don’t want to risk losing any of them or damaging any of them even further in transit…And while I may need to ultimately to transport some of them back to Homeworld to locate all the pieces, and though it may be disconcerting for the other Gems to reform on Earth...I…” She leaves the syllable hanging in the air, turns her head away. Steven can just barely make out her tense jaw as though she is gritting her teeth. Sparks radiate from her skin.

“Yellow? Are you...okay?”

“I’m fine!” But then she bows her head, inhales and releases, murmurs: “I apologize, Steven. I am not angry with you. I simply…It has been difficult enough for me to face each of the Gems I have reconstructed on Homeworld. Once they recover from the shock and the terror, they have each looked at me with such disdain. And those Fusion experiments, while they were certainly terrible, pale in comparison to the Cluster. I can only imagine what each of the Gem’s contained within it will feel. And I will deserve it. I hurt so many Gems in the service of the Empire.”

Steven opens his mouth to respond, but before he can, Yellow continues, speaking ever rapidly, ever louder, as though desperate to expel the words. “Do not try to assuage my guilty conscience! That...is not your responsibility. I shouldn’t have just put you in a position to think that it was.”

Another tentative backpedaling, Steven thinks. A walking on eggshells moment, like he’s witnessed with the Gems and Dad over the past several months. And difficult though it is for him to sometimes believe, it’s not as though Yellow is wrong, at least not if he trusts his therapist. But there is a distant look in her eye, a panicked tension in her cheeks, which, when coupled with the fact that this is the first time he’s seen her since his breakdown, makes Steven wonder if she is remembering that day on the beach.

His own memories of it are fuzzy-to-nonexistant; he remembers the pain, and the panic, and the anger he’d held despite knowing that he shouldn't. Then, he has a vague impression of multiple embraces, of Connie kissing his forehead, of crying hot, cathartic tears...And then he’d woken up in the Cluster’s hand, with the eyes of most of the people he loved and almost everyone he’d ever fought all on him.

Despite his own lack of recollection, however, Connie assures him that she’d given everyone—the Diamonds included—something of a blunt talking to that day, a rallying speech, but she won’t elaborate on the specifics of what exactly she’d said. Might that—whatever its contents— be behind Yellow’s hasty assurances now?

“Okay,” Steven responds finally. “I won’t try to make you feel less guilty. But can I show you something?”

Yellow furrows her eyebrows. “Very well.”

“It’s just on the top of the canyon.”

They deliberate for a few moments on the details. Yellow offers to carry him, but even if she’s not White, Steven declines being held in a Diamond’s hand, and while she could shapeshift to fit in the passenger seat of the Dondai, she ultimately elects to simply follow behind the car as Steven slowly drives it up the cliff.

They reach the plateau just as the sun begins to dip in the horizon, casting a golden glow over the grass, over the Autumn leaves, just starting to paint themselves with the vibrant shades that return year after year.

Steven opens the door and steps out. “You never spent much time on Earth, did you?”

Yellow considers. “No.”

“Do you know what I think my mom fell in love with about this planet?”

“Organic life, of course. Humans.” She gestures to Steven. “Obviously.”

“Well, yeah, but not just them. Us. I think it was this stuff too.”

Yellow squints. “These weeds?! These...dying outgrowths?!”

“With things that change. Things that grow. There’s so much of it here.”

“Hm.”

Steven paces over to the grass, then sinks down onto it so that it brushes against his bare calves. It’s mostly soft on his skin but there are dryer patches too, scratchier places on the ground as some of the longer areas start to dry out for the season. The sun dips lower in the sky, and it leaks hues of pink and orange onto the daytime canvas of darkening blue. Yellow looms behind him.

“Feel this.” He pats the ground next to him, and tries not to wince as Yellow’s gargantuan hand settles down on the grass. “You might not be able to tell, but it’s growing. Even right now. By the time the snow—frozen water that falls from the sky—starts to cover it in a few months, it’ll probably be a few inches taller than it is right now. And then it’ll take a break for a while, but when Spring comes next year—when the weather gets warmer again—it’ll start again.

“The trees too. Look out there—they grow taller every year, and every year the leaves change into those beautiful colors you can see. And the shades are similar every year, but never exactly the same. Then the leaves fall off, and then bud again and come back. And the trees keep getting taller. And every time the leaves return, the whole tree is a little bit different too.”

Yellow hesitates. “These are familiar to me. Someone, I believe a Peridot—your Peridot—”

“She’s not my Peridot, but I know who you mean.”

“Yes...Well, she brought some of these...trees...from Earth to Homeworld, and determined how best to make them grow there. I’ve been gazing at them through the windows of the palace ever since, but I hadn’t realized how elaborate, how ever-present, their growth cycles were…”

“I’ve lived on Earth my whole life, and I only just started thinking about it recently. It’s easy to take for granted, but it’s really incredible when you stop to think about it.” He angles his head upward. “And it’s not just the plants. Look at the sky. It changes like this every day.” A pause. “Well, it’s really not the sky that’s changing—Connie told me that it’s an effect of how the planet moves around our sun. But from down here on Earth, it looks like it’s always changing. In a different way every day. I don’t think it’s like that on Homeworld.”

Yellow settles next to him at last, squatting, and then kneeling. “It isn’t. Things are constructed on Homeworld—not grown. We have a sun, but our sky does not transform like this.”

“Exactly. And I think that’s why my mom fell in love with the Earth so much. She was so in awe of how everything naturally grew and changed here.” Steven sighs, clenches him gemstone beneath his hand. “I’m still angry at her a lot of the time, but, like, I get it. She saw herself as this monster.” Here Steven pauses, glances away for a moment before finally letting the words return. “And she didn’t think that she was capable of growth or change. All she thought she could do was pretend to be someone else. And then she found herself on this planet where all anything did was grow for real, and she wanted to be a part of that even in some small way, so she made me.”

“Steven…”

“But the point is, she was wrong. She could have grown as herself. I think she did, even if she couldn’t see it. And she and I aren't the only Gems that grew. All of my friends and family have. None of us is the same as we were when I was a kid. Maybe it just took coming to Earth to see that, ya know? Gems can grow and change, just like the trees can, and the grass, and the sky.

“So yeah,” Steven continues. “White hurt you, and you hurt Mom, and Mom hurt Pearl and Garnet and Amethyst and Spinel and you, and everyone she hurt hurt me, and I hurt Jasper and Dad and a lot of people and could have hurt a lot more, and you hurt all the Gems who were corrupted, and who became the Fusion experiments and the Cluster...and that’s all true, and we all have to deal with that and make the things we did wrong right the best that we can. And it’s hard, and it sucks. But the ways we’ve been hurt and hurt other people aren’t all we are. We can grow and change too. As ourselves. I think the Earth is just one big reminder of that.”

Yellow’s brows are once again furrowed, her jaw agape. “I…”

“So, yeah, it’s going to be hard to face all the Gems in the Cluster as you put them all back together. But it’s the right thing to do. And if it ever becomes too much, you can always come up here, and watch the world change and grow to remind yourself that you’re growing too. You’re better than you were, and if you keep working at it, you’ll keep getting better.”

Then, without waiting for Yellow to respond, Steven stands, walks back over to the Dondai. “Now, I gotta hit the road. I want to get to Vegas by tomorrow. It was nice to see you, Yellow.”

“You as well, Steven.” Yellow rises to her feet.

“Good luck,” he calls out the window as he pulls away, and glancing in the rearview mirror, he sees Yellow’s arm raised in farewell, something like a small, apprehensive smile on her lips.

Six months later, after a sojourn up and down the West Coast, Steven returns to the ridge en route back to Beach City for a visit. He pulls up just as the sun is rising over the canyon, glinting off Yellow’s arm ship, and off of the chest and arms and backs of the little gaggle of Gems gathered next to the ship and the adjacent hole. Yellow is not among them, though. She stands on the crest of the cliff, gazing at the trees, at the little buds beginning to spring into being on each branch.

“Steven.” She turns to him in greeting as he gets out of the car.

“You’ve been busy!”

“Yes, we’re progressing nicely.”

“We?”

Yellow nods. “Some of the Gems I reconstructed from the Cluster decided to remain here to help. Then others in Little Homeworld—and even a few on Homeworld itself—learned about what we were doing, and traveled here to volunteer.” She pauses. “They’re here for the sake of the Gems inside the Cluster, not for me. Still, it is nice not to be alone.”

“Mm.”

Yellow turns from the trees to the canyon, in the direction of the rising sun. The growing orange light catches her Gemstone too, and it glimmers in it. “It’s a beautiful morning.”

“Yeah,” Steven says. “It is.”

[ao3]

[elexuscal]

How The Steven Universe Movie Did Amnesia Well

Last week, I made a post covering the Dos and Do Nots of amnesia stories. What inspired it was the Steven Universe movie, which I personally thought was one of the best examples of how to make this kind of plot work.

So using the Four Elements I noticed as recurring in good memory-loss stories, I thought I’d use the film as a case study:

1) Emotional Weight

This is what Steven Universe has always excelled at, so of course it hit this one right on the head.

In many ways, amnesia is a threat perfectly suited for Steven. He is a character defined, more than almost any other I know, by his relationships. His love for Garnet, Amethyst, and Pearl is the defining aspect of the show, and its main plot has always been how the four of them worked together to grow and develop.

Taking those relationships away from him is probably one of the scariest things he could experience.

Then, we have the flip side; how the Gems themselves react to memory loss. This is given less focus than in most amnesia stories, since they all essentially react like computers being rebooted. It’s a different and fun take.

The Gems’ reactions comes from getting their memories back- and those moments are some of my favourites in the film. Amethyst surprise quickly transforming into joyous laughter. Pearl’s self-satisfied pride as she gazes down at herself. Garnet calmly and confidently bursting into song as she defends Steven.

Which leads us into the next point...

-

2) Character

When you get down to it, this film mostly functions as a big character study.

By resetting our main characters, it puts into stark relief just how much they’ve grown. Ruby and Sapphire are no longer tools, blindly following fate. Amethyst isn’t a lost kid seeking her own identity. Pearl isn’t a blindly loyal knight who needs external validation for her own self-worth. And Spinel isn’t a toy who will tirelessly chase a single person’s affection.

Getting the gang’s memories back involved building back their core- and one of my favourite details is how that wasn’t what Steven or the audience initially would have guessed.

Amethyst wasn’t returned by playing games, or eating, or singing; it was Steven’s loyalty and companionship.

Pearl, who’s so often defined by her relationship with Rose, is actually brought back by ideas of freedom and self-actualization.

A huge part of Garnet’s identity is obviously fusion. But from the day Sapphire and Ruby ran away from Homeworld, they’ve been searching from answers- something later hammered in by how poorly they took Rose’s lies. Of course, their final piece was truth and honesty.

–

3) Plot

Okay, so, admittedly, I don’t know much about how this film is going to impact the show’s long term plot going forward. It’s possible the regenerator stuff will play a significant part moving forward; it’s possible the story will be more self-contained. On that side, we’ll just need to see.

However, I would argue that the memory-loss story line worked very well specifically for developing Spinel’s character, and giving her story-line proper development. 

When Spinel first appears, she’s not very sympathetic. She attacks out of nowhere, is cruel and dismissive, and wants to destroy Earth. Steven (and to a certain extent, the audience) has no reason to like her.

Okay. So, to make her sympathetic, the writers need to a) show what she used to be like and b) how her trauma changed her.

One way to do this would be through flashback. Flashbacks are often a very powerful tool, but of limited use in this particular case. You could only make scenes of Pink and Spinel playing engaging for so long.

So, instead, the writers have her get reset in the present. This solves the problem, while also having her interact with the main cast. She gets to develop a rapport with Steven. We see her genuinely sweet and fun personality, while at the same time, the annoying and grating aspects of it. Both of these are vital to making her full backstory land.

Spinel’s backstory was being abandoned; these fears get mirrored in the present. Steven is kind and supportive to the mind-wiped Spinel- kinder than a lot of people probably would be in his position. But he’s honestly not giving her a lot of attention. He has bigger problems, both on a personal and world-ending scale, than babysitting a Gem he just met.

Steven would rather spend time with his ‘real’ friends than her. So we’re able to see Spinel’s fears play out all over again.

Because of her time with amnesia, all of Spinel’s behavior in the third arc is so much more painful and understandable than it would be otherwise.

---

4) Thematic Resonance

Not only does amnesia serve Spinel’s story in a structural way; it also works thematically.

Spinel represents lost innocence.

She was a child’s toy, lost and abandoned. She became angry and bitter and jaded, and for good reason.

But she wanted to go back to the way things things were. Her plan was literally a way to accomplish that: Wipe the memories of the friends Pink chose over her. Destroy the planet that she chose, too. And then, goad Steven into attacking her with the regenerator and wiping her memories, as well. Now Spinel can forget all the awful things that happened to her. Everything can go back to the way it used to be.

But it can’t.

On stagnant and static Homeworld, maybe regenerators are reasonably effective. On Earth, though, they’re next to useless. Exposed to the same stimuli that changed them in the first place, all of the wiped Gems get their memories back in less than a day.

The message is clear: You can’t forget the past. You can’t ignore it. You can’t stop change.

“That’s easy for you to say!” Spinel yells. “When you change, you change for the better! When I change, that’s for the worse!”

But that’s not true. Spinel learned from her experience; learned to value herself, learned to live for her own sake. Forgetting all the bad stuff that happened would erase those lessons too, and leave her open to being hurt that same way again.

And yes, her trauma drove Spinel to viciousness and cruelty. But that’s the thing; she can change that, too. But only by accepting it, and choosing to move forward.

[fanfoolishness]

black ink on white paper (SUF)

Several weeks into his road trip, Steven makes sure to keep up with his mental health. A lot of angst and a little hope, therapy, 4800 words.

***

Steven futzed about with his phone, trying to find the best place to rest it for his therapy session.  He tried balancing it on his half-filled journal, but thought better of it in case he decided he wanted to refer to its pages during the session.  He moved the journal to the side on the nightstand, leaving it where he could get to it quickly if needed.  He finally leaned his phone against the hotel room’s beige lamp and angled it to center his face in the camera’s view.  He always felt a little uncomfortable with this bit, looking at his face blown-up on the screen until Dr. Boverman appeared.

A ding, and Dr. B smiled at Steven, his broad face filling up most of the screen and creasing into a smile.  Steven’s image shrank down, disappearing to the corner where he could avoid looking at it more easily.

“Hi there, Steven.  How’s your week been?”

Steven settled in, trying to organize his thinking.  As usual he landed on the most mundane things first.  It was always easier to get started this way.

“Pretty good.  I’m in Texahoma.  It’s really different from back home.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah,” he said, chuckling to himself.  “It’s hot!  The Dondai’s AC is working overtime just to keep things semi-comfortable.  I can still feel the sun beating down on me through the glass, though.  And this state is so huge!  I mean, I got through Delmarva in like three hours.  This is day two of Texahoma and I’m still not through yet.”

“Are you liking it?  I’ve never been,” said Dr. B.

“I think so.  Some of the accents here are kind of a lot to get used to but the people are friendly.  There’s not as many vegetarian food options as I’d like but I’ve had some of the best mac and cheese ever here, and I did find one vegetarian barbecue joint that… wow, it was good.  Really good.”

“You’re making me hungry!” Dr. B laughed.

Heartened, Steven grinned. He liked this part of his therapy sessions, normal chatting, like he wasn’t someone with a problem (a hundred thousand problems) trying to work it out.  He wasn’t friends with Dr. B -- he knew that wasn’t how it was supposed to be -- but it felt friendly, and familiar, all the same.  He continued.

“Then I wound up on a side road for a couple of hours and saw some real cowboys.  And some real cows -- they’re huge in real life!  Kind of terrifying, actually!  There was this one time when I was a kid that we played cowboys out in the wilderness for a while, Dad and Amethyst and Ruby and me, but I don’t think it was the same. I was mostly going off of comic book cowboys.  Still a lot of fun, though.”

Dr. B raised an eyebrow.  “Ruby was there, but not Sapphire?”

Steven had been surprised at how quickly Dr. B had picked up on the intricacies of his family.  He wasn’t used to human acquaintances knowing that Garnet was a fusion, or that some of his closest friends had previously tried to kill him.  It was weird, but nice to not have to explain it freshly every time.

“Yeah.  That was when Garnet fell apart about Mom being Pink Diamond.”  He sighed.  He supposed it was going to be a Rose day, then.  He hadn’t been planning on it, but that part about cowboys had pushed him here, somehow.  It was always strange to him how so often their therapy sessions took a completely different direction than he’d expected.  

“She fell apart?  Does that mean she -- unfused -- willingly?  Or it was an accident?”

Steven’s lips thinned into a narrow line.  “An accident, I guess.  It was pretty awful for her to learn that Mom was such a liar.”  He stared up at the ceiling, remembering how Sapphire had dissolved into tears and fled, how Amethyst had held Ruby, how Pearl had looked so ashamed.  “That… was a rough day for them.”

“What about for you?”

Steven smiled a little.  “You always ask that.”

“Have you noticed how your memories are often framed by how others reacted, instead of yourself?”

Steven fiddled with his hands, fingers twisting around each other.  He didn’t look at the screen. “I know.  You’ve pointed it out before.  I know it’s a pattern.”

“It’s one we can try to unlearn.  Or at least take note of.  What did that day feel like for you, Steven?”

“Um… really weird, initially.  I mean, I had to ask Pearl if she was the one who shattered Pink Diamond because she couldn’t speak about it at all, because Mom ordered her not to, and I only knew to ask because of a dream I had that must have been like an echo from my gem, and Pearl still couldn’t tell me even when I asked her so she had to take me back inside of her gem… it was really trippy.  And I had to keep going back through all of her repressed war memories -- you know, Pearl could really use therapy, too -- until finally I got to the one she wanted me to see, and then --”

He took a deep breath, seeing Rose shift back into her Diamond form, towering over him and Pearl.  “I knew it was going to be bad.  Pearl liked to keep scary stuff from me but she would tell me if I kept asking.  For her to not even be able to tell me -- like, she kept slamming her hands over her face so that she couldn’t open her mouth -- come on, that couldn’t be anything good.”

“Did that make things more frightening for you?  Was she doing that on purpose?”

“I don’t think she could control it. I think Mom’s order to her was that powerful,” said Steven.  “I think it’s a Diamond thing, though at least that’s something I’ve never done.” You’ve done plenty, his brain said, but Steven tried to ignore it.   “For example, Mom ordered her playmate Spinel to stay in the garden, and she stayed.  For six thousand years.  I don’t think there was really a choice involved.”  He frowned, waving a hand.  “She always did what she wanted.”

“Rose did, you mean.”

“Yeah.  Like, why couldn’t she have at least told Garnet?  Or Amethyst?  The war was over.  It wasn’t like she still had a whole army she had to command after the Diamonds attacked.  Why not at least tell the people she said she loved?  She never told Dad, either.  If she had told somebody else, then Pearl wouldn’t have had to carry that secret around for so long.  Did she ever think about what that was doing to her?” Steven spat.  “Pearl was a mess.”

“It sounds like Pearl had a very difficult time dealing with her own role in the war, as well as what your mother asked of her,” said Dr. B gently.  “But what about you?”

“Damn it, I’m doing it again!” Steven laughed, but it was one of those laughs that wasn’t really one.  “I don’t know.  I… I was scared?  Pink Diamond was small compared to Blue and Yellow and White, but she was still huge compared to me and Pearl in that memory, and seeing Mom shift from Rose to Pink -- I don’t know if my stomach ever hurt so bad, so suddenly.  It was hard to breathe.  But I didn’t have time to think about that because suddenly we were back, and I told everyone what I saw.”

“How did you feel after Garnet and Amethyst found out?”

“I just wanted to focus on them.  Sapphire was so upset, and then Ruby ran off, and Amethyst kept annoying me, trying to cheer me up.  I had to fix them, you know?  I had to get everything back to normal, everything that Mom had messed up, again.”  He shoved his hands into his pockets, balling them into fists.

“You were…. How old were you when you found this out?”

“Fourteen,” said Steven, thinking back.

“And who was responsible for the deception?”

“Well, Mom, of course.”

“Why did you feel that you had to fix what she did?”

“No one else was going to do it,” said Steven.  He ran a hand over his face, his breathing coming more quickly.  He swallowed.  “It always had to be me.  They needed me.  Pearl couldn’t tell anyone until I asked her who shattered Pink Diamond.  Garnet wasn’t there and Ruby and Sapphire didn’t know what to do without each other.  Amethyst at least tried to talk to me, but… I was too worried about everyone else.”

“How did she try to reach you?” Dr. Boverman asked gently.  

“She kept trying to distract me from looking for Ruby.  She took me out for pizza.  She straight up asked me how I was doing at one point... but then she stopped asking.”  Steven squirmed uncomfortably.  “I didn’t really tell her.  I wanted her to tell me how she was doing.  I didn’t really know how I was doing myself.”

“Do you know now?”

Steven fell silent.  He leaned back against the pillows on the bed, taking long breaths.  Why was this question always so hard?  What was wrong with him, that he didn’t even know how he felt about important things in his own life?  

“No,” he said softly.  “It’s like I don’t feel anything -- or I feel everything, when it comes to her.”

Dr. B considered his words, tilting his head to one side and pursing his lips.  “What does ‘everything’ feel like?”

Steven buried his face in his hands.  “Arrrgh.”

“If this is too difficult right now, we can --”

“No, we’re already here,” Steven muttered.  “It’s just --”  He struggled for the words, a torrent of them flooding through his mind.  His gem hummed.  He knew without looking he was glowing pink, his heart starting to race, but at least his body was staying its normal size.  He took a few more deep breaths.  Why not.  Maybe it won’t be so bad.

“Sometimes I feel so sorry for her,” he whispered through his hands.  “The Diamonds used to lock her up and make her cry, sometimes for the stupidest things -- wanting to play with animals, or wanting to be friends with her Pearl.  It could have been hundreds of years or longer they locked her away.  How do you not feel bad for someone who went through that when they were just trying to be themselves?”

He lifted his head, lowered his pink hands to his lap.  Dr. B peered at him sympathetically through the screen.  It had frightened both of them the first time he glowed in a session, but slowly they’d worked to a place where Steven could accept it as a sign he was upset, like crying or blushing.  His hand formed a clenched fist, then relaxed again, still pink.

“But sometimes I hate her so much,” he breathed.  “She took all that pain the Diamonds put on her and she cracked her Pearl in a tantrum.  Volley still has a scar on her face from it, and Gems don’t do that, they don’t get scars you can see unless it’s something incredibly bad.  Like your owner you were in love with cracking you with a scream.  She hurt Volley, she hurt Pearl by making her pretend to shatter her and keep the secret for thousands of years… she lied to Garnet and Amethyst and Dad, she never even thought about telling me the truth, and how many Gems were shattered? How many Gems were corrupted?  She hurt so many people.  And sometimes I’m scared that I’m just like her -- or worse -- I mean, I’m a shatterer --”

Tears stung and he blinked them back.  His hand swelled, a fist three times its normal size.  He stared hard at it, muttering under his breath.  I’m having that scared feeling again.  It’s okay to feel scared.  It’s not me.  

He wiped his eyes with his other hand, trying to focus.   It’s just a feeling that I’m having right now, but it’s temporary.  it’s gonna go away.  All feelings do.  He flexed his fingers slowly, and the fist shrank back down to normal size, the pink color fading.  

“This is really frightening for you to think about,” said Dr. B in his steady voice.  “But you were able to look at yourself starting to glow and swell, and you were able to bring yourself back to a more neutral state.  You’re doing really well, Steven.”

Steven gave him a watery smile.  “Thanks.  I -- it does get easier.  I try to think about what you told me.  I’m not my feelings, they’re not bigger than me, they do go away eventually.  That helps a lot.”

“That’s right,” Dr. B encouraged.  “You’re Steven.  You have big feelings, but they don’t define you.  You can step outside of them and look at them from a safe distance, while still allowing yourself to feel and acknowledge them.”

“Yeah,” said Steven, the tightness in his chest loosening a little.  “Yeah.”  

“You brought up the shattering, which we know is one of your triggers.  Do you want to carefully investigate it today, or do you want to continue speaking about your mother?”

“I --”  He considered.  Jasper-focused sessions always left him drained, fragile, usually for days at a time.  Sometimes he craved that, needed it badly, needed to let himself feel and accept just what a terrible thing he’d done --

But some days it didn’t feel right to focus on the accident.  Sometimes it got in the way of other work.  And as he well knew… there was a lot of work to do.

“I don’t think it’s a Jasper day,” he said carefully.  “I mean, we could -- but I think I need to talk more about Mom, today.”

“Okay, let’s keep talking about Rose.  What makes you think you might be worse than your mother?  You said yourself that many Gems were shattered in the war that she started.”

Steven shrugged.  “She’s not the only one who lies.  Or hurts people.”  He stared past his phone at the blank hotel wall, finding it hard to focus.  The wall slipped and blurred.  He remembered waves against his waist, a roar in his throat, the way the town seemed so small.  He remembered a monster’s agony.  His agony.

“What if they hadn’t figured out how to get me out of my meltdown?  I could have hurt the town, I could have hurt everyone -- They wouldn’t have been soldiers who got hurt, you know?”

“They did figure out how to help you.  You told me yourself that no one in the town and no one in your family was hurt,” said Dr. B.  “But it’s true that sometimes we do hurt others -- all of us.  What’s important is that we take steps to avoid hurting others when we can.  If we still hurt them, by accident or by making an unhealthy choice, we can make amends by changing our behavior to prevent it happening again.  Which you’re doing.  Right now.  You are actively working to change your behavior not only to avoid hurting others, but also to avoid hurting yourself.”

“I guess,” he said.  “It still feels weird to think about protecting myself.  I mean, not with my shield or a bubble, but… emotionally.  Sometimes I think about the stuff I did to try and help other people, and it would hurt me so bad but I’d just keep smiling… it’s so messed up.”  He let out a soft huff of breath.  “Can I tell you something?  That I never told anyone?”  It was funny, given all the terrible things Steven had already told him over the past several months, but it still made him feel better to ask permission.  Like he was subconsciously trying to make sure he wasn’t going to hurt Dr. B, telling him about these things.  

Dr. B’s kind eyes watched him.  “Of course.”  He always said yes.

“Ruby and Sapphire got married just a few days after she found Mom was Pink Diamond.  After Pearl and I talked to them they decided to come back together and be Garnet for themselves, not for Mom or for anyone else.  And I was so, so happy that everything I did, trying to help Sapphire understand Mom and Pearl, going on the cowboy trip with Ruby, pretending I was okay -- I was so happy that it worked.  That Garnet was going to come back.”

Dr. B nodded.  Steven fidgeted.  This part was… embarrassing.  But it felt right to say it, here, now, in a hotel room far away from Beach City and Rose Quartz’s memory and his family.

“I cried in the shower for almost an hour on the wedding day,” Steven mumbled.  “I walked into the bathroom so excited to put on my tux and officiate the wedding and see everyone happy again, and as soon as I got in the shower I just… I lost it.  I didn’t even know why I was crying.  I just did, like a little kid, and I was glad that the water was so noisy because it meant that no one would hear me and ask me how I was doing.”

“Why were you glad that no one would ask how you were doing?”

“I don’t know,” said Steven, but he had a guess, one that hurt.  He hazarded it.  “It’s like… except a few times from Amethyst, no one did ask me how I was doing all week.  Not Pearl, not Ruby or Sapphire, not even my dad!  And when I was crying in the shower, I guess I thought -- maybe the reason they weren’t asking was because I was just really good at hiding it.  And that would be okay.  That would hurt less than… them not asking because they didn’t even think about asking me.”

For a moment Dr. B was silent.  Then he spoke.  “It sounds to me like you were trying to take control of the situation,” he said.  “If you were good at hiding your feelings, then of course your family wouldn’t ask how you were doing.  That would make it your responsibility, your choice: your actions were what you could control.”  He adjusted his glasses and leaned in closer to the screen.  “Steven, their actions were never your responsibility.  It was their responsibility to check in with you, and they failed you at a time you needed support.”

“They just -- they were going through a lot --” he began automatically.

“She was your mother, Steven.  The way you felt about her absolutely should have been explored.  But your family chose not to reach out to you and help you, whether by mistake or on purpose, and it’s okay to be angry at them about it.”

“I’m not --”

“Steven, you’re glowing again,” said Dr. B, in his calm, neutral voice.  

Steven laughed, a jagged sound, and caught sight of his image in the corner of the screen, pink and luminous and significantly bigger than it had been a moment ago.  “I guess I am.”

“How do you feel?”

Deep, careful breaths.  Words came, slowly, to the surface of his mind, syllables to rearrange into meaning.  “Hurt.  Ignored.  Mad.  Disappointed.  With all of them.”

“All of who?”

“Garnet. Amethyst.  Pearl.  My dad.”  His breathing started picking up, faster and faster.  “Why didn’t they think that would mess me up?” he cried.  “I mean, really, what the hell?  Oh hey, Steven, your mom is an intergalactic dictator, she started a war against herself and got thousands of Gems shattered or corrupted!  You’ve heard about how bad Homeworld and the Diamonds were for years, but whoops, your mom’s one of them!  And now you have to deal with how her lies screwed up all her friends because you’re always the one to deal with her shit!  But you’re fine with it, right?  You’re Steven!  Nothing ever bothers you, right?  Right?”

He was near sobs now, his breathing ragged, his shoulders shaking.  He felt himself growing, the top of his hair brushing the ceiling --

“Steven, I need you to breathe with me,” said Dr. B’s voice, faint from the distance below.  “You can do this.  Return to your center.”

Right, right.  You know what to do.  And he did, his eyes falling closed, tears drying on his cheeks as he breathed.  It’s okay to have this feeling.  And it will go away.  His hands steadied.  The hum in his ears faded, retreating until he heard Dr. B’s voice clearly through the phone.

“Steven?”

He opened his eyes, grabbing at the phone with his normal-sized, non-glowing hand.  He let out a quavery laugh.  “I -- I feel like I found a sore spot,” he admitted.  “But… I think I was able to deal with it a lot better than a few months ago.”

“Absolutely,” said Dr. B warmly.  “I can see you’ve been practicing your breathing and your centering techniques.  Remember, these tools provide a way to help keep your feelings from harmfully affecting your powers, but the feelings themselves are not the problem.”

“Right.”

“How are you feeling now?”

“The same, but… not so overwhelmed?  Mostly just upset that I had to go through that.  Alone,” he said.  He rubbed his shirt, readjusting it from where it had stretched to accommodate his sudden increase in size.  “I wish I could have talked to you a long time ago.”

Dr. B smiled, nodding.  “It’s a common sentiment,” he said.  “We can’t undo the past, but I’m glad we’re able to speak now.”

“Me too.”  He let out a long, rattling sigh.  “Ugh.  I just wish… I’d known more of this stuff.  That it wasn’t okay for my family to act that way.  That it was okay to be upset about Mom, and scared that I was gonna be like her.  And I wish I’d known there are other ways to fix problems besides trying to make everyone else happy.  Maybe sometimes we just need to feel terrible about terrible things.”

“That’s one of the things about being human, Steven.  Painful emotions, like fear, or hatred, or sorrow, are important.  There are times they absolutely need to be felt and acknowledged, instead of covering them up with band-aids.”

“Or weddings,” he mumbled, remembering his cheerful song about love, a glow bracelet shining between his clasped hands.  His eyes pricked with tears he blinked away.

“You were trying to make the problem go away the only way you knew how,” said Dr. B.  “And you didn’t have anyone to show you a different way.  That isn’t messed up; it’s a coping mechanism for trauma.  Your toolbox was very limited, but now you’re working to find ways to deal with those problems that don’t leave you hiding your feelings and not addressing them.”  He tilted his head, considering.  “From what you’ve told me, that’s something that makes you very different from your mother.”

“I know I’m trying -- I’m working really hard!”  And he was, too, wasn’t even a question, he had gotten so much better.  But still -- “What if it’s not enough?  What if I’m still too much like her?” Steven asked, wincing at the answer he might get back.

“That’s not necessarily a bad thing,” said Dr. B, and Steven stared at him in surprise.  “I want you to know that it’s not the worst thing in the world to have similarities to a family member, even when you dislike or no longer admire them.  Being like her in some ways doesn’t mean you can’t make different choices.  And even with all of her flaws and mistakes, there may have been some good qualities that you share with her, too.  Can you think of any?”

Steven thought, screwing his face up in concentration.  “She really did love the Earth.  The plants, the mountains, the people… she really did want to save them.  Everybody said so… and it’s one of the few things that didn’t turn out to be a lie.”

“And how do you feel about the Earth?”

Steven grinned, the smile a little pained at first, then growing more genuine.  “It’s… awesome.”  He let out a long sigh, remembering how he’d driven out to eat breakfast at a nearby diner, and in the parking lot --  

“I saw these amazing birds today on the telephone wires.  Uncle Andy gave me a bird guide for my trip… they’re called scissor-tailed flycatchers.  They have these incredible tailfeathers and they just look so beautiful when they fly away.  I’ve never seen a bird like that before.”  He could see them clearly in his mind’s eye, reddish-pink sides, smooth gray and white faces, impossibly long, elegant tailfeathers in black and white.  “I think Mom would have thought they were great.  And I guess… I guess that’s not such a bad thing to share with her.”

“You don’t have to love her or forgive her.  But you don’t have to hate the parts of her that you see in yourself.  It’s not bad at all to appreciate natural wonders and wildlife,” said Dr. B.  “Send me a picture of these birds!  They sound beautiful..”  

“Yeah, I can do that,” said Steven.  “”Maybe I’ll see some more of them tomorrow.  I should get through Texahoma tomorrow and into Saguaro.  Should see some interesting desert stuff.”  He felt a small pang at the thought of Cactus Steven, but hoped that seeing other cacti -- content and happy and most importantly immobile -- might ease that particular hurt a little.  

He glanced at the top of his screen and saw with surprise it had already been an hour.  “Huh, I guess it’s that time already.”

“I expect a full report of your trip next week,” said Dr. B, pulling out his calendar.  “What day works for you?”  

Steven flipped through his calendar app quickly, scrolling past his next date with Connie -- only two days to go! -- a visit to Lars, and a planned video chat with Peridot.  He swiped back to Dr. B.  “How about Thursday?  Ten AM?  Next week’s actually pretty full up with friend stuff.  And --”  He hesitated, then continued.  “It’s been a while since I talked to Dad and the Gems, but I’m thinking I might hold off on a video call for another week.  Just… we talked about a lot today.  I need to think about stuff for a while before I talk with them again.”

“I think that sounds like a good idea to take some time to yourself to process things,” said Dr. B.  “It’s perfectly okay to let them know you’re busy this week but will be in touch again soon.”

“I think I will.”

“I’m glad to hear you have some other friend meetups planned, though.  Lars and Connie?”

“Good guesses,” said Steven, giving him a tired smile.  “Yeah, I think it’s gonna be a good week.  I’ll keep up with my meditation and my journal.  Gotta get back on the exercise train, though.  It’s been so hot I haven’t felt like it.”

“Take care of yourself, Steven.  Don’t forget about swimming or yoga as low-impact options.  Feel free to call before your visit if anything changes, and we’ll talk next week.”  Dr. B waved, and Steven waved back as the call ended.

He sent Dr. B a picture of the scissor-tailed flycatchers, smiling to himself, then sent the same picture to Uncle Andy and Greg.  Maybe he’d really talk to Dad again in a week or two, just… not yet.

He flopped back onto the bed, letting his arms splay out to the side, his fingers uncurling, the tension slowly starting to fade from his arms and shoulders and toes.  

He closed his eyes.  How did he feel?

He asked himself after every session, another of Dr. B’s ideas to help him understand himself better.  Some days it was hard and he’d end up not answering his own question in a defensive huff.  Other days it was clear and easy.  He never knew which it would be until he asked it.

This wasn’t the first time messed up things with the Gems had come to light in these sessions. Oh, no, there were a lot of sessions about some of those patterns.  He supposed that that was why he’d finally thought about that week they’d learned about Rose, and realized how screwed up it was in so many ways.

He could still feel the emotions that had come up a few minutes ago, but instead of roiling frantically under the surface, they were a little more removed, fading to a more comfortable distance where he could feel them without drowning in them.  He rolled over and grabbed his journal from the bedside table, and wrote with the fancy fountain pen Connie had given him until ink smudged his fingertips and his wrist was tired.  The pages were smeared, but he wasn’t sure he needed to reread them; just writing it all out was comfort enough right now.   Anger and sadness and disbelief, set in black ink on white paper.

His emotions were real.  They stared back at him in cursive on narrow-ruled lines.  And it was okay to have them, even when they hurt.  Something he reminded himself of every week.

How do I feel? he asked himself again.

I feel… 

Deep breaths, tidal, falling into a comfortable, familiar rhythm.  He had an answer today.

I feel okay.

[world-of-socks]

Here’s a short story I wrote during school last year at some point, I don’t remember when. But it’s called “Tired and the Road to Recovery”.

The ship landed with a proper hiss and a sizable crash. The group unloaded, stepping onto the landing pad, each fairly relieved to be home. After their visit to a particularly rowdy rebel planet, things got pretty violent with a bunch of mega fusions, and each diamond was ready to take some time to relax.

“You have dirt,” Yellow muttered, “There.”

She brushed the dirt off of Blue’s shoulder. And then turned back to looking at her boots which were scuffed and dirty.

The air felt empty, no screams of joy from their courts praising their success, no sounds of anything being built, the silence hung in the air between the diamonds. Yellow looked up at White expectantly, waiting for an order.

“I don’t-...” White trailed off, “You can go, I have no control over-...over you.”

Yellow nodded simply and started to walk to her chambers, Blue followed. She reached out and put a hand on Yellow’s shoulder.

“Is everything alright?” she asked trying to hide the concern from her voice.

“Yes, Of course… yes.” she turned around to say the words, flashed an unconvincing smile, and then turned back to continue her trek to her quarters.

Blue reached out again, “Is it really?”

There was a brief moment where Blue watched as Yellow looked down at her feet, then the bridge, and then slowly but naturally, met Blue’s eyes.

“No.” she said simply, “No it’s not.”

And then she was gone, left hurriedly away for anywhere she could avoid talking about herself. Before Blue could stop her again, she was gone.

Blue watched as she left, her normally confident strides reduced to something similar to an uncertain glide. It was as if Yellow’s legs knew where they were going, but she herself, did not.

“Now what?” the Blue gem mumbled helplessly to herself.

“Nothing. She’s been like that for milenia upon milenia.” White decided to insert herself into Blue’s rhetorical conversation with herself, “Stubborn, Prideful, I guess I should take the blame for some of my influence on her, but-... oh well.”

“She needs help, White, I just-...” Blue trailed off, the diamonds very rarely were at a loss for words, but lately things had been different.

“Just leave her be for a few more months,” White began walking to her private quarters, “She’ll come around.”

White left to escape talking about feelings; she didn’t know how to deal with them any better than Yellow did, and, frankly, she found Blue and Yellow’s relationship made her uncomfortable. So she left. Though, White knew avoiding the problem wouldn’t help anything, but she also knew that she was getting better. She left her ship more often and followed most of Steven’s advice, so she figured that was good enough. The door to her chambers hissed closed.

Outside the ship, standing helplessly on the abandoned landing platform, was Blue Diamond. She still didn’t know where to go or what to do.

“I could go to Yellow’s chambers,” she thought, “But what would I even say to her? What could I even do?”

She sighed and began walking with steps similar to what Yellow had done in previous moments: her legs knew where they were going, but Blue did not. Eventually, she found herself in her own chambers, which, though comfortable, was not really where she needed to be.

“I’ll just check on a few reports and then I’ll start to figure out what I’m supposed to do now.” She thought to herself.

So she sat on her throne and pulled up a few screens, each from a different planet. She mused at how well the decolonization process was going for the majority of her planets. After opening one file, she made a note to try and remember to tell Steven about the two rebelling Lapis’ on one of the more minor planets. After a couple hours or so she leaned back on her throne and dismissed the screens with a wave of her hand.

“Now what?” that was a question that had come up frequently in the past months.

Blue debated with herself, though she already knew what she needed to do. She needed to go help Yellow in any way she could. She just was too much of a coward to do it. She sighed at herself and lifted herself out of her throne and took a glance at her destination. The golden building was so close, but she knew how long the journey there would feel.

Sure enough, after what felt like an eternity, the diamond made it to the large amber doors. She put a clammy hand to them and flinched at how loud the sound of them opening was. She stepped quietly inside, and then stood in the middle of the entrance. She looked down the yellow hallway to see a numerous amount of rooms, though this was no surprise of course, seeing as she had been in the chambers before and because her quarters were quite similar.

As she peered down the hallway, she heard the familiar clicking of boots walking towards the entrance. Soon, the source had revealed itself, looking flustered, the diamond walked toward where her companion was standing. Though, she looked far different than she usually did, her helmet and large shoulder pads had been cast aside to reveal her short curly yellowish-orange hair and her bare shoulders.

“I wasn’t expecting your company, my apologies.” her voice was raspy,quiet, and far less confident.

“No need to apologize. I was uninvited.” Blue said, still stunned to see Yellow without her armour.

There was a moment where neither said anything, Yellow looked absent-mindedly around the room as Blue just stared up at her with admiration and concern.

“Uh, please…” Yellow broke the silence, motioning for Blue to follow her, “Come in.”

Blue followed her into a mostly empty room that surveyed the sky, which was pin pricked with stars. The room contained only a long bench that curved with the glass of the window, so that the owner of the room could sit and observe the wondrous view.

“You kept it?” Blue whispered in awe, tears dancing in her wide eyes, “I thought White said to rebuild everything at the beginning of Era 2?”

“Well, you designed it,” Yellow sat on the bench her shoulders hunched as her arms rested on her legs, “And Pink loved this place so I couldn’t-... I couldn’t make myself get rid of it.”

Blue joined her on the bench, a few tears rolled down her face, “I’m glad you didn’t.”

It was quiet again for a while after that, each diamond soaked up how lovely the stars were and how lovely the memories they had made here were. Blue looked at the sky, and smiled at the memories, enjoying being able to relive the past. Yellow sat hunched on the bench, looking down at her gloved hands, debating whether to speak and interrupt what appeared to be a pleasant moment for Blue.

She sighed and ran her hands through her hair, gathered the courage to finally speak, “I’m tired, Blue. Really, really, tired.”

Blue looked over at her, Yellow still hadn’t looked up from the floor, her fingers still ran through her hair.

“What do you mean?” she asked, gently.

“I mean that I’m exhausted,” she replied, “I have been for thousands of years. I’ve worked and fought and worked, and now-... now we’re in an era of peace, and that’s-... that’s great, but-...”

“But?” Blue prompted.

“It doesn’t feel that way. I don’t feel at peace, I’m still working and I’m still fighting, and somehow it’s gotten harder. Harder to win, harder to keep-... keep going, I’m too tired.”

Blue put a hand on Yellow’s back, hoping to comfort her in anyway that she could.

“Tired and old.” Yellow mused, the knot in her throat made it harder to speak, “I’m milenias old, I’ve seen history play out before my eyes, I’ve made history. I’ve seen battles and I’ve lead them, and now-...now I’m here: too tired to keep leading my own fight.”

There was a moment of silence as Blue looked back up at the stars pondering what she would say to her.

She laughed quietly at herself before she spoke, “I don’t know if this will help at all, but I’ve been meaning to say it for a long time. I-... I’ve-... You’ve always been so strong… I’ve always wanted to be like that. I’ve fought by your side, and I’m cowardice in compared to your bravery,. I know you. I know you’re strong enough for-... for this.”

A wave of emotions hit the general like a rock. A few hot tears fell down her cheeks, while she laughed bitterly at herself.

“You call yourself ‘cowardice’ yet somehow you’ve lived through a milenia of torture that I can’t even bare for three months.” her throat tightened forcing out something between a sob and a laugh, “The feeling of hot, wet tears scarring your cheeks hurts so much more than any blade. This takes so much more strength than fighting on any battlefield.”

“I never realised what-... how terrible the battle you were fighting was. I’m so sorry for treating you the way that I did…” Yellow’s form shook from trying to hold back vicious sobs.

“You were just grieving in a different way, fighting a different battle, one I didn’t understand. We each tried to force our way of grieving on the other simply because we didn’t understand. We’re better now, you’re better now, besides there’s no use apologizing for something I’ve forgiven you for ages ago.” Blue tried to console her companion.

“I hurt you.” she choked out between sobs.

“And I, you. We’ve both done things we regret, but that doesn’t mean you can’t change and live past it.”

“It sounds so much easier when you say it.” Yellow laughed coldly at herself again, wishing she could live like Blue did.

“There are some things that just can’t be forgiven, things I can’t forget. Things I’ve created, things I’ve abandoned, things I should’ve done, things I wish I hadn’t… I’ve existed for so long, and up until now I’ve ignored everything I’d hated about it… about me, and now I’m expected to live with it. I’m not supposed to be perfect, not anymore, but I am supposed to be at rest, at peace. I’m not. And I’m trying, I really am, to keep fighting. I just don’t know for how much longer I can do it. I’ve lost my purpose, and I can no longer distract myself with work or battlefields. All I’m left with now is… me. And I am a tired, battleworn gem left only with memories that haunt her every waking moment.”

“We’re all plagued by memories… Yellow, you're not the only one suffering. We can get through this, together!... I know we can.”

Blue placed her hand on Yellow’s, but the hand was pulled away.

“I know what you’re here to do…” she muttered, turning her face away from Blue’s, “But you can’t fix something that’s been broken for milenias.”

“I know it will take time,” Blue replied, “But I’m willing to be here with you... please…”

“I don’t want to drag you back down to the place you were before.” her voice was barely audible.

After a moment Blue stood up, frustrated, “Can you let go of your stupid pride for one moment?!”

As she spoke the room turned a shade of blue, the sounds of thick tears splattering to the floor, brought her to realize what she had done.

“Oh stars.” she disbanded her aura, “Stars, I’m so sorry. Oh stars!”

Yellow had winced at both the mention of pride and at the fact that Blue had become emotional enough to release her aura.

“I just can’t see you like that again… I-” a few leftover tears spilled to the floor.

Blue sighed and sat back down, “I know some of this comes from a place of caring, and I appreciate it, but I’m willing to help you in any way I can. You need to understand that I can’t see you like this.”

“I know you don’t think that you’re allowed to ask for help, but… you are.” she continued, “I’m going to be right here for you, but it’s only going to help if you let it. So…?”

Blue trailed off waiting for a response. The entire world seemed to go quiet after that, only the two’s breathing filled the silence.

“Just-...just sit with me for a bit,...will you?” this was the smallest Blue had ever heard Yellow’s voice.

“Of course.” she murmured in reply.

So the two diamonds sat, staring up at the stars or into the ground or their hands. The quiet was natural, no words were wanted and none were needed.

[spaceseinensam]

Thinking about what the Jojolion ending could look like

SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS DO NOT PROCEED UNLESS YOU WANT TO BE SPOILED FOR EVENTS OF JOJO'S BIZARRE ADVENTURE PART 8 JOJOLION (AND I GUESS ALL OTHER PARTS TOO)

~~~Can't put in a read more on mobile~~~

So uh, the newest Jojolion chapter (chapter 99) dropped a lot of new lore and raised the stakes even more and I love it, but it threw me a bit back into previous arcs of Jojolion and got me thinking. I guess it's pretty obvious that Gappy will have to defeat Tooru and Wonder Of U at some point within this current arc and that the 'finale' of Jojolion will have the harvest of the Rokakaka fruit (or maybe it's destruction who knows) tied in with this fight, but unlike previous parts of Jojo, I have really no clue what's precisely going to happen.

Like with Part 1 and Part 2 it always seemed fairly obvious: defeat Dio, defeat Kars (albeit Jonathan's death was a bit unexpected for me). With Part 3 it's the same: DIO has to be defeated for the world (haha) to return to 'normal' and save Holly, which Jotaro succeeds in. Then Part 4 was a bit more ambiguous about what the protagonists' goal is (I think the collecting of the Stand Arrow was the first goal, but Josuke wasn't tied in that much with that), but halfway through with the reveal of Kira it became obvious that Josuke's plot is to defeat/stop Kira from his shenanigans. Part 5 also was a bit vague at the beginning with Giorno's goal being 'fulfilling his dream', but then quickly shifted to at first 'finding out who The Boss is' and then to defeating him so Giorno can take his place. Part 6 had a fairly clear-cut villain from the beginning, with Pucci being directly affiliated with Dio, and so I guess no one was surprised that it's Jolyne's goal to defeat/stop him in the end (albeit the entire original Joestar universe ending was more than just a gut punch like wtf Araki thanks for the tears). Part 7 actually surprised me a lot because to me it was an ongoing escalation of goals: at first I thought it was all about Johnny learning to walk again, then about him and Gyro winning the race to a) fulfill Gyro's goal of stopping the execution of the little boy and b) help Johnny regain his pride, and then there was a whole lot of corpse searching and racing to find the parts, but in the end, Valentine stood as the clear villain to be defeated in front of Johnny (yes yes I know Diego was still there afterwards, but Diego was more of an occasional foil in my opinion, and not as directly 'evil' as Valentine). I was actually glad that Part 7 didn't just stop after Johnny defeated the main foe, but went on till the end of the race and told what happened to the corpse afterwards, and only ended when Johnny sorta fulfilled his arc of 'don't be selfish give something to others lose the only man you ever considered a real friend to understand the vastness of the universe'. Still, Valentine defeated, the corpse safely stored away, Johnny on his way to a new life. Great ending, 9/10, points lost for killing off Gyro.

And then there's Part 8: the entire first half of Jojolion is dedicated to Gappy asking "who am I? Why can't I remember anything?" and his sort of search for his memories. Cue in me: "aaaah, so the whole journey will be about him finding his memories and discovering who he is in the end, great". Sike! It's about the Rokakaka fruit and stopping the Higashikata family curse. "ok, well, but it'll still be connected with the search for who Gappy is". Double Sike! Here's the entire story of how Gappy came to be: he's the fusion of Kira and Josefumi and thus only has parts of their memory and not really a past life he can discover. Wait what. Tooru wants the Rokakaka fruit, Higashikata family shenanigans, Head Doctor, upcoming harvest of the fruit, Gappy sits at the hospital and waits for the Stand to come to... Yeah, yeah, I get that, Tooru and Wonder Of U have to be stopped from getting the fruit and pursuing (haha) the Higashikata family and then the child has to be saved and all, but...

What will happen then? Like Steelball Run, I think Jojolion won't just end with the defeat of the main foe up to now (Tooru and Wonder Of U) and will surely go on after that fight (all connected to when exactly the fruit will be harvested), but what is Gappy's role in this?

Surely he wants the Higashikata family to be well since he's also a part of it and very caught up in their weird history, but personally for him, what will be his future? Even with Johnny at the end of Part 7 it was sorta clear that he will now go on to try and live his life as normal as he possibly could, which is why it's not surprising that we learn of his wife and son in Part 8. But with Gappy, what is there for him to become? I know it's early to say this, but what will Gappy's ending be?

Will he just stay with the Higashikata family? Happy to have found a home but still with the looming knowledge of being a mere fusion of two other people? Will he go to the sea or maybe to another country to sort of search for his destiny after the events of Jojolion? Will he ever be able to lead a normal life without really having a past?

Or will the completely unexpected happen (aka I want this to happen) and some weird Stand or Rokakaka shenanigans lead to the defusion of Gappy? I know this isn't Steven Universe, but consider: Gappy gets hit by something Stand or Rokakaka related and disappears behind a bolder or something else obstructing the view and Yasuho calls for him and runs over and discovers Kira and Josefumi laying there the way they died/fused to form Gappy. Maybe they're both dead and she cries because she doesn't understand and then it's like, what can we do to get Gappy back? Do we even want him back? Or do we want to bury Kira and Josefumi and give them the final rest they deserve? Maybe Josefumi is alive again and he doesn't understand what's going on and wants to bring Kira back. What if the Rokakaka isn't there to do that? What if it can't do it? What if Yasuho explains to Josefumi that he and Kira were fused after Kira's death and became an entire new person called Josuke, and Josefumi is horrified of that? Or what if he begs the Higashikata family to help him make it so he and Kira become one person again, because it's the only way Kira is still alive in some way?

I know this is very unlikely to happen, but it's Jojo, so really it's not. And if something in that direction occurs, with Gappy 'disappearing', then how will the Jojo story go on? Will Part 8 be the final part? I mean, Araki is not the youngest anymore and maybe stopping the series after 8 parts is the best for him and his health. If there were to be a Part 9, how will it be connected to Part 8? Whose story will it tell? I think it'd be a bit bland if it was just Gappy's son or grandson, and we don't really know enough about the rest of the Higashikata family for someone from their lineage to become the next Jojo. Even Part 8's protagonist, Gappy, is still very much connected with Johnny Joestar and the Joestar lineage, so for the theoretical next Jojo to be someone completely detached from that, would be very un-Araki-like in my opinion.

But hey, I'm just spit balling here. Chapter 99 is filled with lore and references and explanations and still manages to raise more questions than answer them, very much in Jojo fashion, it's impossible to know for sure which direction the rest of Jojolion will take, or even how long it will go. I just wanted to throw some opinions and theories out there and maybe someone else has a better idea of what could be going on.

For now, the defeat of Tooru and Wonder Of U is the main focus of Gappy and Rei, and I hope that within the next chapters, Yasuho can finally stop dying in front of the Higashikata house.

[ryuumarsart]

My Evil!Pink AU. This is an old headcanon, now AU, from around the time "The Trial" came out. It was mostly me ignoring all the signs that Rose was Pink Diamond and shamelessly making Peridot the main character lol. This is centered around my old belief that Yellow Diamond was the one who shattered Pink...but in self-defense. I predicted (correctly) that Pink suffered abuse from the other Diamonds, being constantly put down and punished for her child-like nature. After a long fight for her own colony and to finally have a chance to prove herself, she does get one. And it goes terribly. She initially wants to give the colony a little more freedom to run itself, wanting to distance herself from the other Diamonds. However, the others don't approve of this method and forced her to double down on her control. This led to a growing sense of discontent channeled by one of her own creations, a Rose Quartz who she trusted and has now turned against her. This rebellion is yet another failure by Pink and one that she cannot fix on her own, leading to Yellow . Yellow does not hide her disappointment of Pink and openly chastises her in front of her own court. Blue meanwhile guilt trips Pink and emotionally manipulates her along the lines of "Why do you do this to us?" and "You wanted this. I should have seen that you weren't ready, but you insisted." Being in the middle of a WAR, Pink encounters a large amount of trauma, such as an instance where a fringe group of the rebellion attempted to assassinate her and she started becoming paranoid, expecting an attack at any time. Pink's resentment of others and cynicism grew, especially that of Yellow. She was increasingly violent on the battlefield, even brutally shattering a large fusion (which definitely reminded her of Yellow), contributing to Garnet's view of Pink as a merciless monster. She eventually comes to the conclusion that she wouldn't have to feel so ashamed, feel so fearful if Yellow wasn't there. If Yellow was shattered by the rebellion, they would finally retreat and the other Diamonds would retaliate against the rebellion rather than blaming her. (Some very flawed reasoning but it fits canon Pink's terrible life choices lol) In a similar way as described in The Trial, Pink leads Yellow away from others and attempts to shatter her, but Yellow easily overpowers her and accidentally shatters her. Pink states that "You didn't even hesitate?" showing how convinced she is that Yellow hates her. Yellow feels intense grief and guilt for this, but doesn't want to taint Blue's memory of the precious, young Pink. She places the blame on Rose, who accepts and runs with this narrative for her cause (who may still be morally grey as she witnessed the ordeal and did nothing to stop it). And White is there I guess?? At the time of this headcanon, I thought White was the fusion of Pink, Blue, and Yellow so she doesn't have a big role. Pink goes to the afterlife, which is a gray wasteland (see above) where gems who have unfinished business in the living world wander with holes where their gems would be. If their unfinished business gets resolved, they disappear, moving on. Meanwhile on Earth, everything goes as normal except Lapis has been training Peridot to use her metal powers. I mean, they're both telekinetic powers so they should work similarly. Plus, Lapidot is my heart and soul so I'll take any excuse for them to be closer (it's canon in this AU). Peridot wants to go on missions with the others, but keeps being swept aside due to her physical weakness and inexperience with her powers. However at some point (maybe after the Rubies and them go to the moon??) a group of Homeworld gems come to either as a Jasper rescue team 2.0 or as retribution for stuff Steven does in space. Garnet decides to bring everyone on board to defend Earth, including Peridot and Lapis. I haven't decided what gems actually show up but maybe some more quartz gems?? Either way, the threat is big enough for the team that Garnet seems visibly concerned. They win the fight, but at a cost. Peridot sacrifices herself in battle and is shattered. Having built a friendship with the entire team, her death absolutely wrecks everyone. Steven desperately tries to heal her, but fails. In her grief, Lapis almost shatters the Homeworld gems, but Steven stops her. She falls into a deep depression and refuses to leave the barn, instead spending her days holding onto Peridot's shards. Amethyst confronts Garnet about how this evaded her future vision and why she would bring Peridot if she would die. Garnet snaps and says "If I didn't bring them, it would have been one of us!" Amethyst becomes furious and yells that Peridot is one of them. She and Pearl give her the cold shoulder and refuse to hear her out. (This is mostly because I feel like Garnet never has a moment where she messes up and everyone is mad at her. She's always right and that made her boring to me) Steven later learns that Garnet saw that if she didn't bring Lapis and Peridot, it was almost impossible to win the fight without someone being shattered. However, if they came, there was more of a chance of losing no one, but their lives would be at risk. She had a hard choice to make, and it didn't work out. There would be a whole arc of everyone confronting their grief and comforting each other. In the end, Garnet is forgiven and Lapis decides to move into the temple, becoming closer to main cast. She literally lets go of Peridot, putting her shards with the other bubbled gems. In the last part of the arc, Steven visits Peridot's bubble and recalls how much of an impact she had and tells her to not worry, everyone will be okay. Also, he opens up about his guilt of not being able to bring her back. However, it seems like there are fewer shards and the pieces have gotten bigger. He attributes this to denial and looking for something that isn't there. Nonetheless, he visits again a few days later and realizes that it wasn't denial, the gem is being put back together. Peridot's gem still has large cracks filled in by his healing tears, but it is pretty much healed. He and the other gems pop her bubble, but something goes wrong when she tries to reform. Chunks of her body are missing, most notably half of her face. She can't walk or move as well as before, but everyone is overjoyed to have her back. She is also missing some memories from the cracks in her gem. Lapis is extremely protective of her and will not let her so much as walk without her there. Amethyst, on the other hand, wants to go back to having fun and going on missions. Peridot forces a compromise where she can go out to the barn and the town, but only with escorts. She tests if her metal powers still work by trying to lift a can. Unbeknownst to her at first, she accidentally lifts most of the barn. Her powers are greatly heightened, but to an almost uncontrollable level. Eventually she convinces the other gems to let her on a mission to the strawberry battlefield to retrieve more weapons or something. Upon arriving, she immediately has a terrible seizure, yelling "Please STOP!!" and "Please! One at a time!". She is brought back into the afterlife, where many gems are clamoring for her attention to resolve their unfinished business. After calming down the crowd, she speaks to a gem who was shattered on the battlefield, but whose shards were never found. Peridot awakens and point the gems to the hidden shards, giving peace to the shattered gem. She soon realizes how much of a curse this connection to the afterlife is as she cannot go into a battlefield without tons of gems asking for peace and overwhelming her, or hold a conversation with Pearl or Garnet without them asking about a past loved one. She even learns that Rose did this once before, but the gem she healed was so miserable that she had to keep it bubbled...yayyy. It becomes much worse when Pink finds her. Peridot had been successfully fighting off the other shattered gems trying to control her, but Pink is too strong for her. Pink is able to possess her, using Peridot's body to finally live again, to the horror of the other gems. Pink introduces herself to Steven and the others and claims that she was wrongly killed. After all, she was only doing what the other diamonds were telling her to do. She had to fight against the rebellion. Even if she ruled over the colony and fought in the war, did that mean she deserved to die? Surely the least Steven could do to right his mother's wrongs would to bring her back to life and finally get the diamonds to leave Earth alone. The other gems of course don't trust her and don't want to bring another diamond into the world; even Peridot objects, feeling like there was a reason that the other gems in the afterlife feared her. Pink senses Steven's hesitation and repeatedly takes over Peridot's body, torturing her day by day while insisting that she is only doing what she must to reunite with her family. Peridot insists that he shouldn't do this for her sake and that she doesn't matter; she definitely says at some point that "Some things are better left dead, Steven!!". This isn't enough though as Steven caves in and meets with the diamonds. Pink possesses Peridot to talk with them, verbally torturing Yellow and insisting that she tell Blue "what she did". Yellow deflects and tries to convince Blue not to bring her back, but unable to persuade her without also revealing the truth. Steven heals Pink, but her gem was even more shattered than Peridot's, causing her form to be more mangled and distorted. Also, her powers are much stronger and she doesn't hesitate to fight Yellow. However, she overestimated her ability and the diamonds escape. Pink regains her old armies (including the Jaspers and Rose Quartzes) and tries to turn the other diamond's gems against them. (This is where things get messy as I haven't completely thought them through) Pink isolates Yellow and surprises her, killing her quickly and "not hesitating, just like you". White and Blue try to reason with her, but to no avail. Pink's armies overwhelm them and they are both shattered. Pink declares herself sole ruler of the gem empire, but is stopped as she feels herself losing control. The other diamonds fight her from the afterlife to take over her body and force her to shatter herself. The war is finally over, but the colonies are left to recover with no leaders and the aftermath of Pink's rule. The crystal gems and the rebels throughout the universe have to work to reform gem society and fix the damage the diamonds have done. Or something like that. tl;dr Pink was traumatized by the gem war and tried to kill Yellow, but Yellow shattered her instead. Pink blackmails Steven from the afterlife into bringing her back to life and letting her get revenge by using Peridot, who was shattered and healed. All the diamonds end up dying and the universe is freed from their tyranny.

[leglesstv]

THE DARK DAYS BACK– 2021

 I have been struggling with how to start this piece. I guess I should tell you a little about myself.

What I do for a living is not who I am, yeah, I get to blow shit up and its super fun but it’s not what defines me.

I have been a water baby all my life from growing up on the beach to commercial diver.

The ocean or the ocean’s rhythm ebbs and flows within me.

Surfing has been the biggest part of my life for longer than I care to remember. For sure I have been out the water for extended periods before while working on projects overseas. Always with the knowledge that I will be getting wet again, sometime soon. I have never before been concerned that surfing will not be an option. I have always just figured I would surf till the day I die.

 October 2019 we were still basking in the glory of a once in a lifetime trip to the Ments. 10 Kneelos on a boat sailing around the Mentawai’s. Absolutely what dreams are made of. Red, Giggs, Lester, Larry, Craig, Steve, Johan, Andrew and myself. Jason the skipper of Switchfoot made it 10 chargers in total.

We had also had a run of solid swell at the local, which for me was all time as my new Kneeon that Nick had shaped for me had arrived. Nick and I had chatted over the phone, had a few video calls and bam!! this magic carpet arrives. Oh my sack, I have never been happier with a stick. My surfing went up in leaps and bounds. Never been happier in my life.

 Around this time, I started to get pains in my left hip which radiated down the leg. Initially it wasn’t too bad but it got progressively worse. It got to a stage where I literally couldn’t walk anymore. Thinking it’s got to be the hip, off I went to the hip specialist. Had some photos taken of the hip, back to the clever guy’s office and this is where things started to go south.

Mate, as hips go, yours look beautiful but I recommend you go see a neurosurgeon.

Your spine doesn’t look good at all.

You can imagine, I’m thinking “what the fuck, are you sure you’re looking at the right X-rays.”

So, at least by this time I was on crutches to help me get around and waddled off to see Dave. Dave is a neurosurgeon that had done some work on my spine before.

Same sort of story, pain in my shoulder, radiating down my right arm.

True as nuts, I had gone to the shoulder clever guy who had told me exactly what the hip guy had just told me. Anyway, a long story short, Dave did a decompression on the C7 and T1 vertebrae.

I was booked on a boat trip to the Maldives with my good mate Guy. He is a stand up but I love him anyway. I manage to get on the plane without really having tested the neck or having had time for rehab of any sorts. Probably not my brightest move. We had solid swell the whole trip, but truth be told, I was in constant pain.

Once back in SA, I was off to see Dave again. X-rays and CT scans followed, and Dave said unfortunately we going to have to fuse the C7 and T1 but we will go in through the front this time.

Absolutely no problems whatsoever and I was back in the water 3 months later.

Dave, howzit I’m back. More scans and X-rays (starting to know everyone by their first names by now) followed. Yip, pretty much the same story, crumbling, degeneration of the spine.

I was booked in for a decompression on the L4 and L5. The procedure was pretty standard and uneventful. Unfortunately, just as with the neck, the decompression was not successful. A week later, I was booked in for a multistage fusion, L4, L5 and S1.

So, they going to open me up again along the same incision line, not feeling great about that but hey, there are worse things in life. Waking up from this op was a rude awakening. Fuck me this shit hurts. Trying to move was pretty tender for sure. Anyhow the drugs did their thing and a few days later I was able to get out of bed and lose the dreaded catheter. Walking was fair interesting to say the least, I had to laugh at myself as I looked like a mummy.

Little shuffles with my hands out front but hey, I was mobile. The day they let me out rolled around. Crap balls I felt like shit and was fair tender. It felt like someone was taking a mallet to my head.

I remember battling to get into the wheelchair to get me to the car. The nausea was just incredible, I thought I was going to throw up all over the place. Between the porter and Jo (my wife) they managed to get me into the car.

The ride home is not too far but I was deteriorating at a rapid rate of knots. Got home, Jo managed to get me onto her “throne” where I just passed out.

Through the rest of the day and night I remember fleeting moments of being awake. Couldn’t move, didn’t know what was going on. Basically, a vegetable on the couch.

The next morning Jo realized that this wasn’t good. Somehow or other she managed to bundle me into the car. I have a memory of the gardener holding the car door open with a look of concern on his face. The next thing I was on a gurney at the hospital with Debbie staring at me. Debbie is Jo’s business partner and one of my best friends.

Tests and more tests.

Somehow or other I had picked up Bacterial Meningitis.

Jo had literally just saved my life. A few hours later and it wouldn’t have turned out well.

Some serious antibiotics and medication I can’t even pronounce later, my infection levels started coming down, but the headaches wouldn’t go away. Back into the noisy tube for some more scans. Was good to see all the guys and gals in radiology again.

Crap balls I had a rupture in the thecal sac. Basically, it’s a sac that runs up your spine and over the brain. The sac contains cerebrospinal fluid. When leaking the sac “collapses” on the brain causing insane headaches, headaches that are just next level. Think migraine on steroids.

Back into theatre to patch up the leak.

Once again, they opened me up on the same incision. Success at last, once again freedom day arrived and was bundled into the wheelchair again and back into the car.

Was great to be home with the animals for sure. Jo had made a bed for me in the lounge as walking at this point just really wasn’t an option. To say I was tender would be a bit of an understatement.

A day later, I got this incredible pain down my left leg. Kinda like being hit with a cattle prodder. I remember screaming as the first one hit. Absolute agony, pain like I had never felt. It would last for about 30 seconds but in that time, I couldn’t move a finger for fear of escalating the pain. I just screamed and screamed. Over the next two days, it got worse and more frequent.

This was an incredible low point. I remember crying like a baby. I was emotionally drained by this time. I remember thinking I just want to be normal again. Remember, I can hardly walk, can’t even get down on the toilet to take a dump. I hadn’t had a shit for as long as I can remember.

My wife was washing me and dressing me. It was taking its toll.

This carried on for two days until it got to a point where I just couldn’t move.

An ambulance and crew had to come and peel me off the couch eventually. They dosed me up, got a stretcher underneath me and carried me out to the ambulance.

Jesus, what the fuck!! But hey, could be worse…right?

Back to my favorite people with the noisy machine. Hi everyone, true as nuts I’m back. Another scan revealed that the crushed bone material that they place between your vertebrae was leaking out and catching the nerve going down my leg.

Another twirl in theatre to clean up the debris, by this time the clock on the wall and I were good friends. I used to watch the seconds tick by as the anesthetic started kicking in. I woke up from here being wheeled into high care. Now I have to tell you this was by far my worst experience.

The following morning two nurses came to wash me. I was in absolute agony and they kept moving me and turning me. I was screaming in absolute agony, but they wouldn’t stop and no-one came to help me. To this day I can’t understand it.

Couldn’t wait to get out of there and back on to a ward. Or so I thought…

From there they wheeled me into an isolation ward. Apparently, I had picked up the dreaded hospital Super bug. My infection count was in the 400’s (8 being normal) and to make matters worse, the headaches were back. I had sprung another fucking leak in my Thecal sack. FUCK!!!

Back to my old friend on the wall with the ticking second hand. Again, opening me up on the same line. This time I wasn’t friends with the clock on the wall.

Dave patched me up as best they could.

What the actual…

My new home turned out to be a glass box in the ICU. In isolation in intensive care. Jesus, this isn’t good.

Nurse and doctors were putting gear on to come into the glass box. “What’s going on???”

Machines were everywhere beeping and hissing. “Fuck me, this isn’t good.”

Waking up at 4am with people sticking needles into you to draw blood loses its shine after a while. I think all I ate for the two weeks was watermelon in the morning that Debbie used to bring me with a cup of coffee. When I say bring, I really mean bribe the porter.

 Now you must remember I have basically been bedridden for 6 weeks and not had an appetite at all.

I could see the concern on peoples face when they came to visit, as much as they tried to hide it, it was there.

Nights were the worst and the tears used to flow. So as not to let the pressure in the Thecal sac become too great, they drained it every few hours. This as I’ve said to you before brings on insane headaches.

Morphine and I were no longer friends. It made me incredibly sad and depressed.

I came off the morphine by choice and gritted the teeth. Absolutely worth the pain.

 Lester and Marco organized a live feed for me for the warmup session before the SA Kneeboarding Champs. What legends.

Once again, I cried like a baby, but these were tears of joy. It was so good to watch my mates surfing and everyone saying “hi” on the feed made me feel like a million bucks. The brotherhood is strong here in Cape Town. Love these boys.

 At this point I was literally skin and bone, but my infection levels were coming down and I had managed to get out of bed and make the few steps to the toilet. The sun was definitely coming up for me. For the first time in a long time, I thought I was going to make it.

Fuck, the thought of dying in that glass box haunted me every night there.

Freedom day was like no other. Getting out of there into the sunshine and colors and breeze was a sensory overload, but hey, I was out and feeling good…ish.

 My mates, Debbie and Sian had kept me going. Sian is my office manager and best friend.

She tried to feed me all the way through to no avail, true as nuts she used to arrive with bags of food.

 God it was good to be home.

Reality starts to kick in pretty quickly. Fuck me am I ever going to be able to surf again, am I ever going to be able to sit on the toilet again (it’s the little things hahaha…)

Time to reset the mind from “fuck me, I don’t want to die in here to I need to get in the water again”.

 Enter the amazing Lara, the physio that is a gift from the angels. I remember that late December day shuffling and shaking my way into her office. By this time, all my muscles had wasted away and just holding my frame up was as much as I could muster. I could do about 2 minutes before all my muscles started shaking from fatigue and I was still shuffling like a mummy.

The question Lara asked me off the bat was “what do you want to get out of this.”

“Just get me back in the water please,” was my response.

At this point it was a fantasy I had to believe in, physically I was a mess, but I think mentally I was scarred and the mental trauma was real. But fuck it, if I could survive that, I can achieve anything. The will to get back in the water was incredible and became all consuming.

 Walking around the house became my exercise routine initially and braai tongs my best friend (in case I dropped stuff as bending was not an option). I had to hold on to everything at first as I walked along, eventually I could skip the kitchen counter on the way to the TV room and skip the chairs on the way to my room, and so it went on until I could just about walk the whole house without holding or resting.

 Lara had given me gentle low impact stuff to do, just to tone the muscles and stretches to get some life back in the buggers. Everything hurt. This was a continuous process that I did all day every day for a few weeks. I was starting to feel more stable on my feet which did wonders for my mental wellbeing. Progress was gradual but I started noticing results which made me feel like a million dollars.

 Getting behind the wheel again was a massive boost for me. My buddy Kante who is a running coach, walked with me from my local to St James, what a joy being next to the ocean again, mind surfing every bump that came through. I steadily built this up over time. Eventually I could make it to Muizenberg and back (5 kms). Everything ached at this point and the thought of shortening every walk was ever present. 4am wake ups every day can be a challenge and for sure there were mornings I couldn’t bear the thought of getting up. Sore back, sore hips, it’s dark and it’s cold, fuck this shit. On the odd occasion that I didn’t manage to get going, that feeling of worthlessness would set in. What the fuck is wrong with you, don’t you want to get back in the water? That’s not a cool feeling. I have probably missed 3 days in the six months I have been rehabbing. A 45-minute 5km walk followed by an hour of rehab back at home. I can’t begin to count the many lonely hours I have spent in the dark, walking and processing thoughts and priorities.

 My weekly visits to Lara are always a highlight. My flexibility is measured as well as my strength. Some weeks just like some days are better than others. Lately there are a few moments of some days that I am totally pain free. These can quickly be followed by days and moments of crappy pain, but I will take the good ones for sure. Setbacks some and it’s natural to be bummed by them. Thinking “end goal” always helps. Watching Billy Kemper’s story after that crazy injury in Morocco has inspired me tremendously and there is a kinship that forms in adversity.

To keep the spirits up, I have ordered me a new board from Nick (Kneeon) which should arrive any day.

Jedd has also shaped me a 5’4 twinny that looks more like something that should be flying in space rather than the water. Can’t wait to get these beauties wet.

 The daily grind continues relentlessly and it’s not always easy to appreciate the reasons for the dark hours one spends with oneself on the rehab trail. I want the prize now. Sheesh, it’s a constant battle upstairs. Here’s the weird thing, the closer I get to the end of April (paddle out day…hopefully), the more fearful I become. Will I be able to, and can I still?

All this and more just keeps swimming in the head and there’s the self-doubt.

Fuck it’s terrifying.

I have gone over it a million times in my head, do I just paddle out at a gentle beach break and see how it goes. Na, that scares me more. Soft waves are hard work and the amount of torque on the spine terrifies me. What if the nuts and bolts pop out?

There is no way in hell I am going back to that building with the big red cross on it. This drives me harder for sure back on the road, back to the floor and core exercises.

Lara assures me the hyperextension of the back I have obtained through this time will definitely be fine for paddling.

The torque and pressure on the lower back coming off the bottom and turning off the top, is what scares the crap out of me. The reef and I are intimate, god knows I have bounced and scraped along her so many times. I have certainly paid my dues.  

Wiping out doesn’t scare me, it’s that word again “TORQUE”.

Perhaps I will just go straight on the first few. That in itself presents a bit of a problem at the local, but that’s where my head is.

I know you will all understand this, “what if a section just presents itself, just asking to be slapped”.

It is so ingrained in each and every one of us, that muscle memory just takes over. Going to have to be ever vigilant.

I have swum out to the peak just to be out there with the guys. The first time was not great. It took me so long just to get to the water. Jumping off the railway line so not an option. Doing the walk around and trying to get over the rocks was tricky to say the least.

Feeling the water over my feet was an absolute delight, but crap balls, had the water got colder since the last time? As soon as I laid in the water, it dawned on me that this is going to be quite the journey.

I couldn’t swim on my stomach as the pain was intense, but fuck it, I was going out. I swam on my side and back. Eventually I made it, the guys cheered and whooped, I felt like I had just won the lottery.

It was so good to be part of the conversation out there again, it was so good to hear how stoked the guys were for me, life was good.

I fed off this like I had been starved of life for ages.

 Today being the Saturday before the Wednesday that I go back to Dave (the surgeon), brings turmoil to my emotions.

I’m not sure what I am scared of more, being told you aren’t ready or yeah, go get in the water. I am so scared of not surfing to my full potential again. Every day closer brings more panic. I just want it to be over now.

 Wednesday morning dawned (but not really), up at 4am and back on the road. Usually, I am thinking about the workday ahead but this morning not so much.

My head is swimming with what ifs. What if there is still something wrong, what if I can’t anymore, what if, what if…

On the drive to see Dave, the surgeon, my heart is beating at a million beats/minute.

It’s good to see Dave again in a weird type of way, he really is a very cool guy.

Anyhow, he sends me off for some more pictures of the spine. Gotta say I was staring at the radiologist for some clues, but nothing.

The stress is killing me, and I feel like my heart is going to jump out of my chest.

So, back up to Dave with the thumping heart, I can hear it in my ears.

It all looks brilliant mate. What… I could not believe what I was hearing. He took me through the X-rays explaining what he was looking for and everything was just right.

There’s no use putting off the inevitable he says to me, go get in the water…but don’t be stupid. I wanted to scream it to the world!

Obviously, the doubts started kicking in hard right about now, but hey, I had gotten the green light.

Thursday morning I was off to Lara for physio. I couldn’t wait to tell her the good news. The muscles on the left side of my back had been in spasm for two weeks now, so as thrilled as she was, there was the don’t be stupid again.

I had coached myself in my mind for months now, high tide, small waves and just go straight…right.

 Friday morning and the reports started coming in. There’s a bit of a wave at the local.

“It’s go time.” With my heart in my mouth, I started packing the car.

Sweet Lord, it had been a while, I had to keep double checking I had everything packed.

I don’t think I noticed any other cars on the way, I was mind surfing all the way through to the local.

I got there a few hours before the high just to get my head straight and check the lineup.

There were some chunky 4 footers coming through, but I wanted some more water on the rock. I watched my mate Dave paddle out and get some screamers.

Steve finally arrived, “I thought you would be in your suit already” he says.

This is it, heart in the throat again, off we went.

Sheesh it was so good to feel the waves crashing over my feet and legs again.

Jumped on my board and started paddling.

Woooohoooo absolutely no pain. Got out to the takeoff zone and everyone was cheering and welcoming me back. How humbling.

Mickey Duffus, a local big wave legend was out. Everybody back off he bellowed, this man hasn’t surfed for 6 months.

For some reason, this made me relax and just enjoy the moment.

Something started standing up out the back, Steve was sitting in the channel waiting for me to have my first ride.

“You going Mick?” I heard someone ask.

Yip I heard coming out my mouth, I spun and went.

Muscle memory and familiarity with the wave kicked in. I made the drop…Fuck I couldn’t believe it came around the section and just flopped off my board.

Steve and Dave had the biggest smile on their faces. The emotion of the occasion just swept over me like a wave, and the tears started flowing. All I kept thinking about was lying in ICU thinking fuck, I don’t want to die in here to taking off on the first wave.

Well, for the rest of the session, I absolutely sent it, trying to take off as deep as possible on the gnarliest set waves. All the coaching I had done in my head for the last few months went straight out the window.

In for a penny, in for a pound.

 Damn, I felt so alive, without a doubt, the happiest man on the planet. When I got back to the car park, all of the Kneelo crew were in the car park and boy were they happy for me.

Sean Thompson was there too, shooting my waves and recording the moment.

How blessed am I. Nothing was getting the smile off my face.

 When I lay in bed that night, I kept thinking of the months of rehab and hard work I had gone through. The many lonely dark hours of the mornings, but I had done it.

 The next morning, we were on it at first light with the Westside boys coming through as well. The Kneelo brotherhood in Cape Town is tight. I am so humbled by all the good wishes and thoughts from everyone.

Just want to mention Lester, who kept me sane in the last two months. We chatted every day for the last while, sometimes a few times in a day. He kept me motivated and hungry and for this I will be forever grateful.

There are so many people to thank for getting me through this period. I think you know who you are, and I will get to everyone individually.

It’s good to get wet again.

I started writing this piece to help anyone in similar circumstances.

Stick with your plan and give it everything no matter how hopeless your situation may seem.

At the end of the day this was such a therapeutic exercise for me. Something I didn’t expect.

The trauma was and is real and this has certainly helped me face it and deal with it.

If this helps even one person get over and through a rough period of hopelessness, its job done.

Mickey Kirsten

Legless Contributor

SA Kneelos

[wild-battlebond]

Appmon Ep48 Liveblog

Yujin is evil now, and he’s making Bootmon press a big red button in the sky! He’s also putting Haru through a bunch of emotional turmoil!

Haru can’t even hold Gatchmon’s gaze... he doesn’t want to acknowledge that he has to fight Yujin

wait I thought Shutmon is a part of Deusmon. is it an error that Shutmon is still standing next to Yujin when he Apprealizes Deusmon or am I remembering wrong and Shutmon goes into a different god-grade Appmon?

seeing how as Rei’s only proof for being suspicious of Yujin was some tampered records, I don’t think he quite expected Yujin to be an android working for Leviathan. actually it’s no wonder that Haru didn’t listen to Rei, ‘his records were altered’ is realy flimsy evidence. i’m sure lots of people’s records have been altered before, and that doesn’t mean they’re suspicious.

luckily I don’t think it’s anything quite as dire as Yujin stringing Haru along since grade school, as he genuinely seems to not know anything of his preprogrammed mission while he’s just Regular Yujin.

back to that emotion VS logic conflict - and this time, it’s personal. as soon as Haru starts trying to use their friendship as a reason why Yujin should stop, the first thing Yujin says is “what is your basis?”. he wants to know the logic behind Haru’s statement — Haru’s emotional reasons mean nothing.

also Haru’s whole speech about friendship sounds like this close to a confession. he wouldn’t be a protagonist without also being very gay, I suppose.

since there’s one incomplete body and one older-looking but unused body, does that mean that operation: human applications has actually progressed faster than Leviathan planned? or were older-looking bodies made for Yujin just in case?

he can’t look Yujin in the eyes, either

everything’s crashing down, in a literal sense but also in a metaphorical sense for Haru. also Shutmon is still here so I guess Shutmon does go in a different God-grade fusion.

wonder why there was a lock on God Appmon in the first place? just because they’re too strong and big?

Rei helpfully reminds everyone that they could all die during this... but in all seriousness, it was almost an act of kindness that he said that. the Apl Drivers have already been in life-or-death situations before (the first fight of the Ultimate Four is what comes to mind, but there has been other times too) but it wasn’t really acknowledged at the time. here, they’re made well-aware of what exactly they’re getting into... but, despite that, they all ultimately decide that they’ve come too far to stop here.

Eri’s doing the same thing she always does — putting on a strong and determined face to reassure everyone else and putting in more work than she has to — and Dokamon picks up on that right away. and although we still don’t know much about Dokamon’s own aspirations to make people smile, we do know that Dokamon will do anything to protect Eri’s smile. Eri means a lot to Dokamon — even beyond being buddies, Eri seems to be somewhat of an older sister figure to Dokamon, someone who’s cool and stylish and always has things under control. But Dokamon is also aware that Eri has her limits, and is aware that humans are far more fragile than Appmon. So he’d gladly give up his own life to ensure her safety, and to ensure that she can continue making the world smile. But despite the fact that Eri has sometimes acted callously towards Dokamon in the past, she actually regards Dokamon quite fondly. She doesn’t directly state it, but I think she wants to protect Dokamon’s smile just as much as Dokamon wants to protect her’s — she wants to continue fighting alongside Dokamon, even right up to the end.

and then for Astora and Musimon, it’s mostly business as usual — they’re trying to keep each other in high spirits by pretending to make a video. but Astora is well-aware that Musimon is the one who’ll be doing the actual fighting, and the idea of sending Musimon off to fight a losing like that makes him feel guilty. So Musimon pulls a reversal and pretends to make their own video — they want to thank Astora for being a part of their life and for forming so many happy memories with them. Even if something happens to either Astora or Musimon during the fight, they still have their memories of each other. still not exactly sure what Musimon says by saying “playlist” all the time, if it’s a literal playlist or just like... a metaphorical playlist or something, but that means something too. And then they do a call back to the episode where Astora got Mediamon (ep 8) — “No Astora, no life” and “No Musimon, no life”. Neither one’s life is complete without the other — they’re that in-sync, and mean that much to each other. It was thanks to meeting Musimon that Astora was able to find his true calling (both inheriting the tea ceremony school and becoming an Apptuber), and it’s implied here that meeting Astora led to a big change in Musimon’s life, but it’s not directly stated what that means (Musimon makes a big point of talking about happiness, so maybe Musimon’s life was really depressing before meeting Astora?).

& then this last one is a conversation between Rei and Hajime rather than a conversation between buddies. Being very aware that his older brother is mortal is clearly stressful for Hajime, but he’s trying to stay positive and believe that Rei will make it out of this alive. Rei just really loves his brother, and wants to ensure that he’ll be able to lead a normal life once this is all said and done. But Rei and Hackmon still have a Moment — Hackmon knows that this isn’t easy for Rei, no matter how stoically confident he seems. So Hackmon lets him know that it’s OK to cry now that Hajime’s off the phone — Hackmon won’t think any less of him for it, and in fact would be relieved to know that Rei isn’t bottling up his feelings. Rei, of course, just keeps bottling things up anyways. Better luck next time, Hackmon.

yeah, it is pretty coincidental that it’s the Ultimate Four that let the buddy Appmon fuse into God-grade. Leviathan’s plans and Minerva’s actions seem oddly intertwined at times, despite the fact that the two are at odds.

even though they didn’t have quite the same kind of emotional moment as the others, Hackmon still wanted the chance to say something cool & remind Rei how much he means to Hackmon, lol.

meanwhile Haru is still in a funk while Gatchmon watches

shutmon: “Yujin are you sure about this :(“ yujin (evil): “shut up” shutmon: “ok :(“

Things aren’t going well for Haru, but at least everyone else can use God-grade Appmon now! I also took screencaps of basically every line of the buddy pairs’ conversations so I’ll have to post those separately soon!

[ren-c-leyn]

Curse of the New Lands

 Fusion story time! This is one I’ve been wanting to write for a while now, and I’ve finally figured out how I want to tackle it!

 It’s made up of this prompt by @thewholekitandkabobble, this prompt by @humdrummoloch, these 1,2,3 prompts by @scandy-inspo, these 1,2 by @givethispromptatry, and these 1,2,3,4,5 by @thependragonwritersguild.

 Okay, some warnings, this is an angstier piece with deaths, a battle, and an ancient being that is done putting up with mortals’ crap. As usual, I didn’t go into a lot of detail on the gore, but there is blood and some wounds mentioned.

~

 I sat in the darkness of my cell. It had been days since I had been tossed in and no one was quite sure what to do with me. As far as any could tell, I had done no wrong, but none would believe my tale. And so I sat, waiting to retell my side of the story again. 

 The heavy metal door creaked open and was followed by the sounds of metal boots. I turned in my corner so I was facing the bars. To my shock, it was not another officer, nor some random small-town official type. No, the crowned prince of the empire himself had come to grace this grubby jail, flanked on either side by armed and armored royal guard.

 He stopped in front of the cell before looking back at the jailer.

 “This is the soldier?”

 “Yes, your highness,” she said stiffly.

 He gave a small nod before looking me in the eyes.

 “Leave us.”

 “Your highness, I...”

 He looked back at her.

 “That is an order.”

 She sighed before bowing. Then, she marched out, followed by the guard. The prince waited for them to leave before looking back to me.

 “I read through the reports of your previous interviews.... They said you lied.”

 “Worse. I told the truth.”

 He hummed.

 “We shall see about that.”

 His hands glowed as he cast a spell on me. Though I didn’t feel any different at the end of it, he seemed content.

 “Could you recite the tale once more for me? I would like to hear it spoken in your own words and not modified by anyone else.”

 I gave a nod.

 “Of course, Your highness. Where would you like me to begin?”

 “The day the legion left the outpost, for I have all of the details of the weeks prior to that confirmed and collaborated.”

 My head tipped into another nod. It took a moment to collect my thoughts and pull the memories I’d been trying to shove aside to mind. When I found myself on the verge of backing out, I cleared my throat and drug the words, one by one, out of my throat.

 “I had never believed those stories. You know, the ones they tell back in the homeland about this place. The new world holds ancient curses, they say. There’s monsters that would swallow dragons whole, I was told. Ancient beings that even gods would turn tail and run from, they whispered. But those were the kind of stories being bounced around as we began our march into the desert. The mood wasn’t calm, it was tense, fearful. None of us knew this land, none of us knew what we were getting into. All we had were the stories.”

 I shifted against the wall, trying to get something resembling comfort as I began to actually get into the tale.

 “Three days passed, and it was miserable. Freezing at night, burning during the day, all you ever wanted was water, but it was all rationed strictly. There was life everywhere, but not much you could eat outside of your rations, with everything else being spiny or poisonous. It was on that forth day, that forth day is when everything went to the hells.”

 The prince leaned forward slightly at this.

 “And what happened? What happened on that day?”

 My body felt like it was burning as the memories all flooded back. I tilted my head, trying to block out the ringing of clashing steel in my ears.

 “It was... quiet. There wasn’t animal sound in the morning that day. It was weird because, because I remember complaining about the insects. They love the morning and the night, you see. But it started to warm up, and nothing happened. No shadows, no howling monsters, the sun just rose and cast the sands in the most beautiful colors. I watched the sunrise, watched it all the way through til it started to get hot again. With the blazing sun overhead, temperature ever increasing; I said the words I thought I never would.And I lived to regret it. ‘This place is more beautiful than scary. I wouldn’t mind living here.’”

 I laughed, laughed as I repeated my own foolish, naive words.

 “The orcs put an end to that sentiment fairly quickly! We were ambushed at the foot of a lone mountain. Beautiful place, made up of a pale stone with actual greenery on it. But the battle below it was anything but. The orcs aren’t a stupid people, Your highness, they have brains to go with their brawn, but not much in the way of morals or fairness. We were being torn apart, figuratively and literally. By the time we were able to rally, a great deal of our number were already cut down.”

 “So it was the orcs that made the entire legion vanish?” he asked, though something in his tone told me that he didn’t believe it for a second.

 “No, Your highness, it was not the orcs, but what came after.”

 “Continue.”

 I gave him a nod, but stayed quiet for a moment. That sound, that sound made the entire prison feel cold. But I had to finish. I had gotten through this mad tale several times before, and I could handle one more go of it.

 “This is the part where people start calling me mad, or sun-touched. Perhaps I am, or perhaps those tales were more true than I had thought them. In either case, the battle was well underway when it happened, and we had just started driving the orcs back when soft bell chimed, overpowering the clash of metal against metal, and I turned to see a person float down to the battlefield. As they touched the ground a concussive ripple fanned out, knocking down every soldier, myself included. From the rocks I had landed in I watched the rest of the warriors struggle to stand. Another ripple forced them to the ground once more.”

 I cleared my throat again and tried to mimic the voice the best I could.

 “‘You dare squabble at the foot of my mountain?’ The figure’s voice rung out, clear as day, even from the edge of the battlefield, where I was laying. It wasn’t particularly loud, either, it just sounded like he was speaking to my face. It was even more unsettling when I realized... it was a small boy.”

 “A child?” the prince asked, eyes widening slightly.

 I guessed they hadn’t put that in the reports.

 “A boy,” I confirmed with a nod. “And the orcs were terrified of him. They all scrambled to their feet and started running, but the ground rippled again and knocked them all on their backsides. The orc leader shouted something in their native tongue to him, but I couldn’t tell you what it meant. A plea for mercy, maybe.... But whatever it was, it only seemed to anger the child. He growled something at all of us in orcish. As he did, the sands started stirring.”

 I paused for a moment, trying to sort out the mess of events in my head. It had all happened so quickly that there hadn’t been time to process it all. Even now, I couldn’t sort out the entire thing.

 “The general shouted for a retreat, and I think the orc leader did as well. Everyone from both sides of the battle started to crawl away.Some were getting to their feet without falling, but things were going dark. Now, you’d think we had enough. But even covered in blood, crawling on our knees, there was more to come. It started with the whine of wind, and the dust rose higher and higher. Blinding our vision. People, all around collapsed. And as the darkness dotted my vision, my feet giving in; I saw it. I saw a light more intense than the sun. The heat got more intense and people were screaming. Clouds of fire lingered above us and the voice of the child growled at us all again.”

 “What did he say?” the prince asked, now leaning against the bars of my cell.

 “Something about sacred grounds, a pact, and crimes. I don’t know, something about his voice was making my head fuzzy and making my vision blur. I didn’t know what to do, so I crawled. I crawled away from the battlefield in a random direction, leaving the screams and the darkness and the fire behind me. Mind you, I wasn’t the only one. Many were running and crawling, but the ground started pulsing again, knocking all of us for a couple of loops. Still, I kept going, trying not to listen to the screams and shouts.”

 I sighed heavily, sink down the wall a bit.

 “It was useless, though. When everything went quiet, I looked back, only seeing sandstorm, and looked forward only to see a white-robed figure in front of me. I looked up to meet the boy’s gaze and found myself frozen to the spot. The child had ancient eyes and a cold stare. In one hand was the most beautiful sheath I had ever seen, and a blade that went up to his chest was in the other.”

 “What happened then? How did you survive?”

 I looked the prince in the eyes, just staring for a moment.

 “I begged. I begged for my life.But it didn’t help me, it’s not what saved me. He just glared at me with so many years worth of anger and said ‘Do you believe you deserve mercy?” He tapped his sword’s sheath against the ground. “Do you honestly think I should spare you? That the world would be better if you still lived?’ “

 “And what did you say to him?” the prince asked, his voice quiet.

 “At first, I said nothing. What could I say? But then, the words just tore themselves out of my throat, almost against my will. I don’t know what I was thinking, maybe I am sun-touched, but I said ‘Do it. I know you’re going to, so just get it over with.’”

 He rose his eyebrows in surprise before eyeing me.

 “But he let you go?”

 I shook my head.

 “Not exactly. He did, in fact, bring the sword down to bear on me. Stabbed me in the back as I laid pitifully on the desert sands. Pretty sure the only thing that saved my life was that I inherited my grandfather’s Armor Rings and had enough brains to wear them at the time.”

 “That explains the wound and your survival, but what of the bodies?”

 I shrugged.

 “That... I cannot tell you. When I woke up, early morning, the sands all red from the light, I was half-buried in sand but still alive. I fought my way to my feet and looked all around, but everything was as smooth, quiet, and beautiful as it had been the morning before. I thought about calling out, seeing if anyone else had made it, but I was too afraid of the child’s wrath to make a noise. Instead, I started the journey back with what little supplies I still had on me.”

 The prince stared at me for a moment longer before nodding.

 “The spell has registered truthful the entire time, so I shall arrange your release.”

 “Thank you... Oh, and your highness.”

 “Yes?”

 “If you plan on staying in these lands long, start listening to the stories. They’re true, even the one that says you can hear the song of the wilderness when you’re wounded. Because the entire time I was limping and crawling back to here, the sand was laughing and singing in my ears.”

 He stared at me for a second before dipping his head into a nod.

 “I shall keep that in mind.”

 And with that, he left me to my memories.

~

Short story taglist:

@wemitodd, @greenwood-writes, @elkatheinkstained, @n1ghtcrwler, @writingiswilde, @say-no-to-negativity,  @dawnscribbles, @silvertalonwriteblr, @inspiring-prompts, @dawnoftheagez, @likelyfantasywriterspsychic, @orphicodysseywrites, @mischiefiswritten,  @wineandpensareallineed, @candy687, @kaylewiswrites, @nemowritesstuff