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fanfoolishness · 2 years ago

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after the storm, the stars (Steven Universe Future)

Set immediately after the events of I Am My Monster. Steven and Connie head for home, and Steven begins to realize it's okay to be the one who needs help. 2700 words.

(Steven angst, family feels, Connverse cuteness, Connie is a BAMF. Just had to do it, folks.)

Steven ached all over. He’d never been this tired in his life.

He clung to Connie, his arms wrapped around her waist, his blanket slipping off of his shoulder as Lion walked them home across the ocean. The waves rippled under Lion’s vast pink paws, water rolling in, and out. Like the way Steven’s chest rose and fell, rose, and fell. He breathed deeply, the ocean air crisp and clean and light. The storm clouds that had gathered late in the afternoon were finally gone, and evening sunlight dappled the waves.

Steven rested his head against Connie’s shoulder, tears and snot smudging against her shirt. “I’m making a mess,” he mumbled. “Snot everywhere.”

She glanced back at him, giving him a watery smile. “Steven. You really think I care about that right now?”

He tried to take her question seriously; he opened his mouth to answer. But his head swam, everything inside it fuzzy mush and confusing half-memory --

He’s vast, as vast as everything hurting him, and finally he can’t hide anymore -- they’ll all see what he really is, the horrible thing he is underneath all the fake smiles --

He thrashes in the water, his rage and pain boiling the seas, his throat raw as he wails --

His family’s looks of fear and horror -- but then their arms tight around him -- their love, their tears, their comfort --

“Steven?”

“Huh?” He groaned, rubbing his head. They were nearly home. Except his home’s roof was in pieces and the Diamonds’ massive ship had toppled over in the sand beside it. Cracked trees littered the hillside accusingly. His gut twisted. “I did all that,” he whispered. “Didn’t I?”

Lion carried them across the sand, up the steps to the front door.

Connie slid off Lion, holding a hand up to help Steven down. She nodded, her eyes too bright. “Yeah. You must have been hurting so badly.”

I was.

I am.

But that was too hard to say. The broken sobs on the ocean waves still lurked just beneath the surface, ready to spill out again if he said the wrong thing, if he said too much. He blinked back fresh tears, trying to find something else to focus on.

He took her hand, carefully sliding down Lion’s side, clutching the blanket’s corners tightly in his other hand. “Uh -- where’d this come from, anyway?” he asked as he landed on the porch, twitching the blanket a little closer. It was an easier topic of conversation than… everything else.

“Pearl had it, stored in her gem,” Connie said simply. “When you -- came back to being you -- I guess your clothes didn’t make it. Which is fine!” She blushed, averting her eyes. “I mean, I -- I didn’t see everything.”

He blinked at her. Then, somehow, he giggled. Just a little. The sound was rusty in his throat, but it felt good. “You know I used to run around Beach City completely naked, back in the day?” He had no idea why the memory had come back to him now, but it had, and giggling was better than wallowing.

“What?” Connie squawked, squeezing his hand hard in her scandalization. “Steven! Like, when you were little?”

He pulled at his lower lip with his teeth. “Uh… when I was like ten or eleven? That’s little, right?”

“Steven, oh my gosh, you’re such a nudist.” She tapped him playfully on the arm and he blushed, ducking his head.

“Aw, come on, Connie, that was forever ago.”

But the light moment vanished, replaced by his own shrill voice echoing in his head. I’m not that kid anymore! He shivered in his blanket, and Connie’s face shifted immediately from silly to worried again.

“Come on, let’s get you inside and find some real clothes. Just, um, watch your step.” An understatement, given what he’d done to the house.

Steven nodded, turning and patting Lion on the cheek. Lion’s breath was a warm whuff against his hand. “You’re the best, Lion,” he whispered.

Lion rumbled, a bassy, gravelly sound that made Steven’s chest vibrate, the closest thing Lion could manage for a purr. Steven smiled tearfully at him. Lion had always been comforting before -- when Steven could get him to sit still, that was -- but the way he’d let Steven hold him as he cried… Steven didn’t have words for it. “You deserve all the Lion Lickers in the world,” he managed, and Lion licked his face, then took his leave.

Connie and Steven watched him leap down to the sand, then portal away. On the beach, the Diamonds had brought the others back from the Cluster’s hand. They all stood in a group talking to each other, the Diamonds sitting down to make it easier to speak with the Gems and Greg. Though Steven couldn’t see his dad or the Crystal Gems clearly, he could see the Diamonds’ giant faces, wearing mingled exhaustion and relief.

“Everyone’s going to want to talk to me, aren't they,” he said softly. “Do you think I’m in trouble?”

Connie opened the front door, which immediately fell off its hinges. She shrugged as if the door was a problem for another day, and led him inside with her hand still firmly clasping his. “Not trouble. Just… they feel terrible for not helping you way sooner. And for hurting you in the first place.” A flash of anger crossed her face. “And if you ask me, they should feel bad. They were supposed to be the grownups, you know? Not you. Not me, either.” She sighed.

He followed her up the stairs, his damp feet sticking to the wood with a schlop, schlop sound. He carefully avoided looking at the gaping hole in the roof, though what he could see out of the corner of his eye made his heart race.

He turned his attention back to what Connie had said. Her words rattled him. He’d taken responsibility for so much, for so long, that it was genuinely bizarre to think of the fact that technically, he was still a teenager. And teenagers weren’t supposed to be in charge.

“Huh. I -- that makes sense, I guess. Never thought of it like that.” He finally let go of her hand to collapse on his bed, swaddled in the blue blanket, shivering more than ever. He closed his eyes, the exhaustion catching up to him again.

“How do you feel now?” Connie asked. He could hear her rummaging around in his dresser, drawers creaking.

“Sore everywhere,” he admitted. “Like, bones, skin, gem, everything. And my head hurts, and my eyes feel all puffy, and my nose is stuffed up. From all the crying, I guess. But… I… I think I needed it. The crying, I mean.” He scrubbed at his face with the back of his hand. “That sounds so weird.”

“Not to me.” Connie sat down on the edge of the bed and he opened his eyes. She had his pajamas in her lap, and she was grinning crookedly at him. “I’m a teenage girl. If you think I don’t know how important a good cry can be, you have another thing coming, mister. Sure, stupid hormones are probably to blame sometimes, but like, I get it.” She gazed at him. “It’s just, you… you have so much to cry about. Do you remember the Sky Arena?”

A long beat. He’d almost gotten Stevonnie -- Connie -- killed, all because of his own stupid feelings that he couldn’t bear to face. “Of course,” he said carefully.

“It was so hard for you then, too,” said Connie, looking away, her hands fidgeting in her lap. “You hadn’t even told me about what happened with Bismuth. Or with Eyeball. You thought you had to just pretend it didn’t happen. Like if you pretended you were fine, you really would be.”

He nodded, his hand half over his face, his eyes burning again. “I guess that’s my specialty,” he tried to joke, but the words hung between them, too true to be funny.

“I think it’s time to find a new Steven specialty,” said Connie, leaning over and kissing him on the forehead. “Like, a Steven self-care power. You can do it! It’s just gonna take practice, like all your other powers.”

She dropped the pajamas in his lap, letting out a long breath. “Come on, you should probably get out of that wet blanket. I’ll meet you downstairs?”

“Sure,” he said. There was so much more he wanted to say, apologies and explanations and worried questions like do you still love me and are we really jam buds forever, but he forced himself to sit up instead. He watched her head downstairs, wondering if he was really safe to leave alone.

He stared down at his pajamas. He got to his feet creakily and tried kissing the back of his hand, hoping his healing powers would take care of his exhaustion and the bone-deep ache. But his body felt just the same after the kiss, and he sighed. Figures. Healing powers didn’t work on emotional injury. He let the blanket fall and carefully got into his pajamas, wincing when he moved wrong.

More trauma. How much cortisol did I use this time?

He tied the drawstring on his pajama pants, his fingers fumbling. Maybe he could ask Connie to talk with her mom again. He remembered the concern in Dr. Maheswaran’s eyes, the weight of her firm but supportive hand on his shoulder. Maybe she would know what to do.

He turned to head down the stairs, but a flash of movement caught his eye. He turned, startled, but it was just himself in the mirror.

Steven reached out, touching the mirror’s cool glass. His reflection reached towards him, looking mostly like a normal human teenager. Except that there were big circles under his eyes, puffy red ones; his dark hair had tangled curls twisting in every direction; and his face looked both like a scared little kid’s and a weary old man’s.

But there were no pink diamond pupils staring back at him. No pink glow humming in his bulging hands. No monstrous claws ripping their way out of his flesh. And that was something, wasn’t it?

“I’m Steven,” he whispered. “Just Steven.”

I’m a mons--

“No, no --”

He wrapped his arms around himself, willing himself to stay small, to stay Steven, to stay human. He panted with the effort, his shoulders shaking as he squeezed his eyes shut.

How am I supposed to live if I always feel like I’m about to die?

He tore himself away from the mirror, practically tripping over himself to get down the stairs. Don’t be alone, don’t be alone. Though it wasn’t like that had helped him before, had it --

He drew himself up at the bottom of the staircase, still breathing hard.

Connie and Greg and the Gems were waiting for him, just like before, when he’d -- exploded -- but the air itself felt different. His breathing slowed as he registered the difference, the fear receding with each breath he took. He blinked in surprise, trying to figure out what it was.

The charge that had laid heavy in the house for weeks was gone; he hadn’t realized how thick fear, and anger, and shame could feel. There was just a clean breeze blowing in through the hole in the roof and the broken front door, the soft sound of distant waves, and the tiredness in his bones looked like it had found a home on everyone else’s shoulders.

He sagged against the wall, swallowing, lifting one hand. “Hey, guys.”

His dad broke away from Connie and the Gems, giving Steven a warm smile despite his red-rimmed eyes. “Hey, Schtu-ball.” Greg wrapped him in a fierce and crushing hug, and Steven leaned into it, resting his head on his dad’s shoulder. “How are you feeling?”

Steven tried to speak past the sudden lump in his throat. “Tired, mostly. Um, a little embarrassed. Mostly really, really sorry.”

“Steven…” The hug tightened even more. “You don’t have to be sorry.”

“But Dad, I scared everyone -- I could have hurt someone -- more than I already have --” He choked, and then he was crying again: not the heaving, heartbroken sobs from before, but something quieter, an echo of the pain he’d felt then. He sniffed, trying to stop himself.

Greg didn’t seem to mind. “I love you, Steven.” The tears kept coming, but his dad kept talking, his voice soft and gentle and safe. “We all love you. We love you when you’re happy, or mad, or sad -- even when you make mistakes. The same way you’ve always loved us through our mistakes,” Greg murmured into his ear. “We love you, no matter what.”

The tears slowed. Even when you make mistakes. He’d told them all of it, finally. His hatred for White. What he’d done to Jasper. Asking Connie to marry him. It was all out in the open. He trembled.

“What -- what do we do now?” he asked thickly.

“We help you, kiddo,” said Greg, and this time his voice cracked, too. Steven pulled back to see tears shining in Greg’s eyes. “Like we should have been doing all along.” He cupped Steven’s face with his hand, wiping away Steven’s tears with his thumb while ignoring his own. “The Gems and I, we messed up, and we hurt you. And we’re so sorry. We should have protected you.”

Steven nodded, not trusting himself to speak again without more tears. But there was something new blooming in his chest, something fragile beneath the exhaustion and the sadness. It almost felt like relief.

Greg leaned his forehead in to touch Steven’s. “But we’re gonna find a way through this, as a family. I called Dr. Maheswaran while Lion was bringing you home. We have some options to get you started with a therapist, and we’re gonna do everything we can to help you. All of us.” He raised his voice slightly. “Right, guys?”

Steven looked past Greg, catching the eyes of the Gems. Garnet smiled gently at him, raising her hands and forming them into a heart. Pearl laid a hand over her chest, her eyes kind as she held his gaze. Amethyst gave him a teary but determined thumbs up.

And beside them was Connie, her face shining. She was still here, his best friend, even after all the ways he’d messed up. She grinned hopefully at him. “I talked to my folks. They said I can spend the night -- I mean, on the couch, of course.” She winked at him, and he managed to grin back, the feeling of relief now dizzying.

They really do still love me.

Steven glanced up, catching sight of the hole in the roof. This time he didn’t look away, even though shame roiled in his belly, even though his heart rate sped up. But as he looked, he realized that through the destruction, through the pain, he could see the first evening stars beginning to rise. It’d been weeks, maybe months since he’d really appreciated the stars. Ages since he’d noticed the simple beauty of them seen from Earth. Ages since he’d remembered the beauty of the stars seen from the human point of view.

Steven grabbed the throw blanket from the sofa, spreading it down on the floor beneath the hole in the roof. “You know, you can get a pretty good view of the stars from here,” he said. “Do… you guys wanna watch them with me?”

“Of course,” said Garnet.

They all got down on the floor, a pile of humans and Gems huddled close together. Steven and Connie held hands while Pearl pointed out star systems. Garnet predicted every shooting star. Greg brought up song ideas, and Amethyst made up fake constellations, each ruder than the last.

If sometimes Steven got teary again, the others didn’t mind. Sometimes they talked about it, with soothing voices and questions they didn’t push him to answer; sometimes Steven just felt a hand on his shoulder, or a gentle pat of his cheek, and that was enough to help him quiet down again. He was with his family, which was all that really mattered.

And the night air flowing through the house was crisp, and clear, and light.

#steven universe future #suf #steven universe #steven universe fanfiction #i am my monster #fanfoolishness steven universe fic #connie maheswaran #connverse

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infriga · 2 years ago

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WIP tag game!

Tagged by @novantinuum!

Rules: post the names of all of the files in your WIP folder regardless of how non-descriptive or ridiculous. Let people send you an ask with the title that most intrigues them, and then post a little snippet of it or tell them something about it! And then tag as many people as you have WIPs.

So some of these are more former concepts or ideas that never fully took off rather than things I’m actively working on, but I’ve realized that I’m an apparently rare breed of writer who doesn’t usually have more than a few active WIPs at a time (usually just one at a time to be honest). I may come back to them some day since I do still like the ideas or concepts, and some are even ones I have planned for the future but haven’t gotten around to yet, but for most I’m not actively working on them at the moment. That said, I figured some people might find them interesting! For the ones that don’t have a title I just put the file name.

Gravity Falls:

Murky Waters

Child of Thiess

Steven Universe:

Bismuth oneshot

Jasper eats ice cream

Tiger & Bunny

Poking Holes

One Piece

Luffy develops an allergy and Sanji has a bit of a Crisis about it fic

Detroit: Become Human

Deviancy for Dummies

Tagging: @marypsue, @impishnature, @abel-quartz, @thelastspeecher, @fanfoolishness, @taizi, and anyone else I’ve forgotten! Feel free to participate if you want, or ignore if you don’t!

#Gravity Falls #Steven Universe #One Piece #detroit: become human #Detroit become human #Tiger & Bunny #I only tagged 6 but oh well lol #feel free to ask me about them pls 👀#ask meme #tag meme #writing #WIP #I only chose ones that I have either actually written something for or I have written notes/an outline for #The dbh one is the main one I'm rotating in my brain atm lol

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runrundoyourstuff · 4 years ago

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20 First Lines

Tagged by the wonderful @findswoman and @a-big-apple ! This one seems fun!!!

Rules: List the first lines of your last 20 stories. See if there are any patterns. Choose your favorite opening line. Then tag 10 authors!

In order starting with the most recent

1. From: Sticky (Steven Universe)

“So...that’s the whole story,” Steven finishes, back against the washing machine.

2. From: Guardian (Avatar: the Last Airbender)

Since the moment you could understand what death was—since they pushed your grandfather’s body out to sea, and hunting seals and fish (with your father, and then, later, alone) consequently became a reverent act—you have known that you would die in battle.

3. From: We've All Got Each Other (Steven Universe)

After the Song gives way to battle, the battle gives way to a sickening silence, to a looming pile of Gemstones contained within fuchsia spheres.

4. From: Mending (Avatar: the Last Airbender)

By the time he finds himself at the door of the dwelling, the moon is already looming high in the air, casting a silver glow that catches in the ice and snow that compose his home and radiating off it.

5. From: Hunger (Avatar: the Last Airbender)

Hunger, Iroh has known.

6. From: Consolation (Avatar: the Last Airbender)

The urban landscape turns to wilderness, and the days become colder, and still Iroh runs.

7. From: Kind (Avatar: the Last Airbender)

Visiting Azula is always weird, Ty Lee thinks.

8. From: Crowdsourcing (Steven Universe)

AITA for wanting my family to spend time with me?

9. From: On That Shore (Steven Universe)

She’s not alone when she re-forms, but the Bismuth’s back is turned, so for an instant, there’s nothing to fill the quiet but the gentle lap of the low-tide waves on the sand.

10. From: First Supper (Gravity Falls)

Though, given the sporadic availability of edible foodstuffs across the dimensions, it shouldn’t be a shock, it’s not for several hours after being yanked back through the portal that Ford realizes he is ravenous.

11. From: Embrace (Avatar: the Last Airbender)

His kneecaps burn, and he’s been here before—bent low like this, head bowed, knees digging into the ground, a thousand apologies ready on his trembling lips.

12. From: Sturdy (Avatar: the Last Airbender)

They treat her like a porcelain doll—something fine, dainty, presumably beautiful to look at (not that she’d know), but never to be touched, never to be allowed off her cushion.

13. From: And You Shall Be A Blessing (Tanakh/Modern Midrash)

She never sees the seashore.

14. From: Home Again (Avatar: the Last Airbender)

Katara wouldn’t call the prison she finds when she enters the building by any means pleasant, but it is at least humane, clean.

15. From: Worthy Exchange (Tanakh/Modern Midrash)

By the standards of an Egyptian slave, she’s an old woman when it happens, and it’s Aaron who informs her.

16. From: Seen (Tanakh/Modern Midrash)

Tzipporah catches Miriam when she reenters the camp just as the sun is rising, after her seven days of solitude, after the scales on her skin have given way to mere itchy dry patches, though they still flake off her in white streaks when she scratches.

17. From: Renaming (Steven Universe)

The second time he forms, several months after the first, Rainbow warps to the ridge overlooking the strawberry field.

18. From: Deference (Steven Universe)

They bring him back to the beach house, after, in something of a collective fashion.

19. From: Seasons (Steven Universe)

It’s almost comical how the Dondai pales in size when compared to the Arm Ship—and the magnitude of the difference only grows as Steven descends the ridge.

20. From: Creature of Earth (Steven Universe)

It’s halfway through the War when they finally manage it, in about as inconspicuous a moment as any.

Hm, I'm not really sure what to make of this in terms of patterns! I guess just that sometimes my style varies! If anyone else has any thoughts, please let me know, lol!

My favorites are probably those from Consolation and Guardian!

I'm tagging: @mimik-u @fanfoolishness @attackfish @intelligencehavingfun @novantinuum @allenbyseyes @hagar-972 @klainelynch @ink-splotch @elf-kid2 and whoever else might want to participate!

(I realize not all of you have 20 fics! You can use chapter first lines if you'd like!)

#fic game #su #atla #gravity falls #jewish tag

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followerofmercy · 4 years ago

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Writer Tag Game

Tagged by: @borkthemork (Who I love)

Author Name: FollowerofMercy anywhere I end up!

Fandom(s) you write for: Steven Universe, Fullmetal Alchemist (infrequently), Hollow Knight, Undertale

Where you post: Ao3 and cross link to Tumblr

Most popular one-shot: “Missing Person”, Hollow Knight fic with 653 kudos (People be starved for Quirrel content)

Most popular multi-chapter: Punch Buddies...? Hard to say because it’s all split up. I’m terrible at doing multi chapter fics. Competition is fairly popular at 214 kudos.

Favorite story you wrote: I’m really proud of Dignity, an FMAB fic about Alphonse getting some pants. Premise sounds silly, but trust me, it’s not a silly fic.

Story you were nervous to post: "Desert Vents”, which features a gem fusion OC and those generally aren’t popular. Fusions with Jasper extra so for being problematic. (I mean. She’s Jasper. That’s kinda the point.”

How do you choose your titles? With much suffering and anxiety.

How many of your stories are complete? This is an extremely impolite question. (Less than 20%)

In progress:

Punch Buddies

The followup story to Punch Buddies that has a hostile gem invasion of little homeworld. Yes, I’m an author working on the sequel before the original. We exist.

A loooong Hollow Knight fic that ends in Pale King redemption... ish.

FMAB fic of Riza and Roy inviting Alex over for tea

The Life of Wordsworth G. Consolas - an original novel

The Wolf that Refused to Die - another original story

That one story with the kids and the angelic beasts [title pending] - yet ANOTHER original story

Dunkin’ Donuts - Sans x Muffet - they get married for tax benefits

Salad Surprise - Steven Universe tapeworm mpreg

A monster hunter fic detailing a disgruntled hunter that signed up to be a biologist and is angry about lack of water combat

Anastasia - an FMA fic that got so out of hand I literally just need to change the names and it’s an original story

Chadverse piece.

Rampant - YET ANOTHER original story. Might scrap it because it’s pretty similar to the wolf that refused to die

Two aliens, their adopted daughter and weird dog

This is getting embarrassing. Trust me, there’s more.

Pokemon fic of the child protagonist beating the shit out of Lysandre with a pipe

Coming soon:

Shank Sans [title pending] - A Papyrus, Alphys, Chara and Player centric fic looking at the worst (best?) possible ending to Undertale! I wanted to play around with a Bad Ending fic that isn’t ooOOoO spooky glitches.

Upcoming story you’re most excited to write:

Shank Sans [title pending]! I have the first chapter and most of the outline. I’ve been excited to do this for awhile

Do you accept prompts? If you pay me! I’m doing Drabble commissions - $3/100 words.

Top five six favorite authors:

-Hadithi

-My mother

-Diane Duane

- @tired-cat-man

- @fanfoolishness

- @drundertalescum

Tagging anyone that wants to do it, specifically @tired-cat-man

#ask games #dash games #writing stuff #fomasks

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wickedcriminal · 5 years ago

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do u happen to know of any good angsty SU fics (centered on Steven?)

Oh yes~

This one's corrupted Steven, by novantinuum themselves! It's a one shot, but it's nice and dark~

This one is corrupted Steven too, several chapters of just... s a d. And the ending is amazing. Hadithi writes plenty of other amazing stuff too, so if you like this definitely check out her profile.

This one is probably one of my favorites. It's a therapy fic that really delves into Steven's head after Prickly Pair.

This one's a sad father/son one shot by fanfoolishness, so of course it's good. They've got so much good stuff, I'd definitely recommend their profile too!

That's all ive really got, I don't read too much angst but there is plenty to find! I hope you like these!

#fic rec #ask

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tearfullypink · 4 years ago

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Steven's gem is removed 6 times after the incident with White. His gem manages to save him all but once. (Post CYM, Steven-centric, Angst, 5+1)

Connie interviews the citizens of Beach City about Steven. They have a lot of good to say. (Fluff, Script style, takes place pre-Shirt Club)

Steven has always been whole. (Angst, Fluff, CYM, human and gem steven, Poetry)

Steven's journey after he left Beach City! He's still in the process of unlearning all his unhealthy mindsets, but he's getting there. (Canon Compliant, Steven-centric, Mild Angst, Comedy. Sidenote: My favorite fic about Steven's roadtrip! Generally fits with the style of Steven Universe)

Shy Rose Quartz enrolls in Little Homeschool. It goes....fine. Kind of. (Angst, Rose-centric, Canon Divergent. sidenote: Canon Compliant if you're into The Sublime™)

After nearly 2 years, Steven and Jasper talk about the events of Fragments. They've both changed for the better. (Mild Angst, Mild Comfort, Steven-Jasper-centric, Hopeful Ending)

100 word drabbles about each episode of Steven Universe (Angst, Fluff. Sidenote: each drabble is filled to the brim with emotion)

Steven is less human than he seems. (Gem Lore, Alien Headcanons, one of the best fics about the alien gems)

Authors that have too many good works to chose from:

(Favs: any Amethyst-centric fics)

(Favs: Pearl-centric fics)

should i make a list of SU Fanfics i like

#devil.txt #steven universe #someone judge my taste </3 #long post #i hit the link limit whoops #fic recs

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novantinuum · 5 months ago

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Wip Title Game

Tagged by @fexalted, thank you friend! <3

Rules: Make a new post with the names of all the files in your WIP folder, regardless of how non-descriptive or ridiculous. Let people send you an ask with the title that most intrigues them, and then post a little snippet or tell them something about it! And then tag as many people as you have WIPs (Nova note: or just Some People, quite frankly. I don't care, you decide.)

Aight, here's what I got! These are (almost) all the documents I actually have words down for right now, whether that be prose or dialogue. Some of these are wips you've seen before, others are new. I will make a note for which are for what fandom.

As a forewarning I am far more likely to yap about my SU wips, but the LoZ ones aren't Dead per say, just dormant.

I will answer anything I get tomorrow evening.

Steven Universe

a cut above (but nothing more)

Chapter 15: Allegiance

Chapter Twenty-One: The Barrier

knowing, loving, being

Taste of Ordinary Chapter 3

White Noise

(Untitled Proposal Fic)

Bad Dreams

Stepping Stones

In the Moment

Arc 1 Ficlet- Crystal Gem Training

Era 3 Anniversary Ball Finale Fic

Legend of Zelda

you can't choose what stays and what fades away

Ancestral Ties (chapters 10-12)

Valley of the Sun (chapters 13-16)

Crossroads Part 2 (Link)

Aryll rushes to aid the Gerudo

Heartsong Chapter 3- Sidon

Paya/Isha Fic

One word prompt: Flowers

Ford in Hyrule Fic

On the Subject of Goron Phallus

again, and again, and again (like i was meant to be yours)

Zelink Prompt: Glass

All right, I'm definitely not tagging a thousand people. Just a couple. Some of you are probably getting tagged twice bc same friend group lol: @gaudess-schmoddess, @nugatorysheep, @fanfoolishness, @drsteggy, @anistarrose, @halogalopaghost

#nova rambles #tag game

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novantinuum · 9 months ago

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WIP ask game

Tagged by @drsteggy, thank you! :D

RULES: make a new post with the names of all the files in your WIP folder, regardless of how non-descriptive or ridiculous. Let people send you an ask with the title that most intrigues them, and then post a little snippet or tell them something about it! and then tag as many people as you have WIPs.

The document names I’m posting here are only the stories I have actively in some form of progress right now, FYI- thus most of them are Steven Universe related. Still have a few for Zelda I’d love to finish in time tho. Some are chapter titles (if they Had titles), some are legit one-shot titles, some are placeholder titles.

If it’s crossed out, then someone has sent an ask about it already.

Here’s my list:

Chapter 15: Allegiance

a cut above (but nothing more)

First Impressions Part 3

Chapter 20: An Undesired Truth

Paya/Isha fic

Ford in Hyrule fic

you can’t choose what stays and what fades away

knowing, loving, being

Stepping Stones

Reunited Alt POV fic

Bad Dreams

Proposal fic

Peridot and Steven short

Glow or Dark

Connie’s trauma (post movie)

Steven has nightmares

Taste of Ordinary Chapter 2

But yeah, feel free to send in any you’re curious about and I’ll share snippets or ramble about the general vibe.

Uhhh tagging… (thinks of authors…) @michpat6, @deiliamedlini, @fanfoolishness, and You, if you’re bored and want something to do. Please just take this ask meme and go nuts, heck yeah

#jen rambles

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novantinuum · 1 year ago

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Fic Stats meme

Rules: Give us the links to your fics with the most hits, second most kudos, third most comments, fourth most bookmarks, fifth most words, and your fic with the least amount of words.

Tagged by @itcantbe, thank you!

Most hits: Hollowed Moon, an unfinished Steven Universe canon divergent thing that strangely took off like wildfire due to the SU movie coming out days before posting and the story's inclusion of Spinel. Over 37,000 hits for a fic that barely has 8K words... I really don't understand either, ahahah. I'm flattered, though.

Second most kudos: Crack the Paragon, an unfinished Steven Universe canon divergent fic where all of the season 5 plot bombs come crashing down on Steven and his family in the Bismuth episode, and things get Messy. 1,697 kudos.

Third most comments: Misalignment, an unfinished Steven Universe: Future canon divergent fic where a very troubled Steven runs away, and his family has to deal with the fallout. 230 comments.

Fourth most bookmarks: Shattering Atlas, a Steven Universe speculative fic written two months before SU: Future aired that focuses on the theory that Steven would corrupt himself due to his extreme emotional turmoil. 142 bookmarks, 103 of those are publicly visible.

Fifth most words: A Tale of Two Trollhunters, a super niche Gravity Falls/Trollhunters fusion crossover I started and never did anything with beyond four chapters (and one half chapter I have on the sidelines.) Honestly I still quite like the general premise of this one, I might continue on with it eventually if I get bored. 14,954 words.

Least words: Mistress of Disguise, a quick Doctor Who series 8 fic focusing on Missy being a little shit in the scene during the finale where she kisses the fuck out of Twelve unprompted. 213 words.

LMAO I'm not surprised that there's no LoZ represented within the top few stats, but it's hilarious to me that there's an example of literally every other fandom I've written for in this list.

Tagging some others to take a trip down memory lane on AO3: @infriga, @endae, @anistarrose, @farore-or-less, @fanfoolishness

#jen rambles #tag meme

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fanfoolishness · 5 years ago

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hurt (SUF finale spoilers)

He’d told Connie it didn’t hurt.

And it didn’t, not in the way it probably looked, not in the way Steven remembered from so many falls and fights and hits. It wasn’t like that -- a bone-deep throb, a searing crush, the swift fading of the feeling that meant his gem was saving him again.

It hurt in a different way, deeper than bone, as his body swelled and bulged and rippled. It felt like his gem screaming, like a hollow boring through him, gutting him from the inside out. It felt like control slipping through his fingers, like being small and weak and powerless again. It felt that way even as his head crashed into the hospital ceiling, even as he staggered through the palace halls the size of a Diamond, even as he dwarfed the familiar surroundings of his bedroom.

Even as he doubled over, his breath catching in his throat, Jasper’s shards digging into his palm again, his head searing from where he’d smashed his face into the pillar --

Even as he remembered just how he’d failed them all, failed to live up to what they needed him to be, how wrong and messed up he was --

Even as the monster poured out of him.

***

He couldn’t see, at first. Couldn’t understand. He could only see their faces, the hurt in their eyes, shocked and horrified at what he really was.

Monster. Monster. Monster.

He howled with it. Thrashed with it. The house crumbled around him, and his claws dug into the sand of the beach, and it didn’t hurt, not like that --

So then why did he keep screaming?

***

He came back to himself slowly. He was small and damp and naked huddled in a blanket, and his family gazed down at him.

Their faces wore smiles, concern, love. He didn’t deserve it. But he remembered what they’d said -- faintly, as if through static and charge -- and he swallowed. We love you, Steven.

Lion’s nose was cold and wet, pressed to his cheek. Words failed him. The apology died in his throat, smothered by Lion’s nuzzle.

He laughed at first. The tears were clean in his eyes, streaking down his face. He laughed until it wasn’t really laughter anymore, until it was something darker and realer, until he choked on his sobs, until his breath was ragged. He wept, and they let him, and he felt as if he’d finally come up for air.

He shivered in his blanket, exhausted, face pressed into Lion’s soft fur. The tears finally slowed. He felt Connie’s hand, sweet and gentle, on his cheek.

And it didn’t hurt at all.

#suf spoilers #steven universe future spoilers #su spoilers #steven universe spoilers #suf finale spoilers #steven universe finale spoilers #growing pains #fragments #everything's fine #homeworld bound #i am my monster #connie maheswaran #connverse #steven universe #fanfoolishness' steven universe fic #fanfoolishness steven universe fic

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fanfoolishness · 5 years ago

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on the subject of rocks (SUF)

Steven and Jasper have a long-overdue conversation. Set two years after SUF, canon-compliant. A little angst, a lot of hope. ~2500 words.

***

Steven is eighteen years old when he decides he wants to try to speak with her again.

If she wants to, that is.

He thinks he’s ready. He thinks the conversation might dim the feeling of her fragments cutting into his palm, the weight of his crime crushing his heart, his gut, his gem. Therapy has helped a great deal. But there are still nights he wakes up panting, remembering what it felt like to let go, to hurt, to shatter, and he wonders.

If Jasper has the same terrible memories, the same haunting, then maybe they should talk about it.

He talks with Dr. Boverman for hours. He wants to be sure this is right. Not just for him, but he wants to make sure this won’t damage her further than he already has. They go round and round. They’ve spoken of so many things, old wounds that pierced and bled and fractured, but most of those wounds were done to him.

The blood on his hands is less than he’d once feared it was, but it still doesn’t scrub clean.

“It will always be with you,” Dr. Boverman’s calm voice says. “You shattered Jasper. You didn’t intend to, but it’s what happened.”

“I know,” says Steven, and the thought no longer incapacitates him with shame. It was terrible, violent, the worst possible action committed at nearly his lowest point. But he accepts it, now, accepts that this will stay with him always. That it should.

And yet --

He and Dr. Boverman strategize. Roleplay. Hours of scenarios, how to accept if she never wants to talk to him again, what to do if Jasper says she isn’t ready, what to do if she lashes out, what to do if she fights him, what to do if she bends her hands into the Diamond salute. Each scenario frightens him at first, sends his heart racing. The first time they talked about it he glowed pink again for the first time in months. But the terror fades a little every time they speak, and several weeks later, he thinks he might be ready.

***

Little Homeworld is always different and always the same. It’s a comforting flow of change, new Gems appearing each time he visits, old teachers moving on. His family is still there, of course, and he has plans to catch up with them tomorrow. But today -- today he wants to know if this is the right time.

If there will ever be a right time. And if there isn’t, he thinks he can make his peace with that.

He finds Jasper sitting on a fallen log at the edge of the forest, alone as he’d expected she would be. A sketchbook sits in front of her, colored pencils at her side. His footsteps crunch on autumn leaves.

“Jasper?” he asks hesitantly, ten feet away.

She turns to look at him, her form unchanged from the last time he saw her, the stripe through her eye disrupted, her horn broken. So she hadn’t gone to Yellow, then. A thread of fear mixed with guilt begins unspooling within him. Maybe he wasn’t ready after all.

Jasper snorts, a gruff smile spreading over her face. “I wondered if you’d stop by, one of these days. I heard some of the others say you were coming into town.”

“Hi,” says Steven hesitantly. He takes a deep breath, remembering his strategies. “I -- I’d like to ask you something, Jasper.”

“Shoot,” she says in disinterest, picking up a pencil. She makes scratchy marks against the sketchbook paper, scribbles he can’t quite make out.

He edges closer. “I was wondering… I’ve done a lot of thinking.”

“Sounds like you.”

Despite himself, he chuckles slightly. “All right, fair.”

“Thinking about what?” she asks.

“About you,” says Steven honestly. “And me. What I did to you. What we did to each other.” He lets out a long, tremulous sigh, returning mentally to his gemstone, taking deep breaths with his diamond as his anchor. “And I wanted to see if you wanted to talk about it. It’s okay if you don’t, or if you want me to leave you alone.” Breath. Another. “I’m so sorry, Jasper.”

She glances up at him, giving him an odd look, then gestures beside her with a powerful shoulder. “Go on. Sit down, already.”

No ‘my Diamond.’ He’s more relieved than he’d expected to be. He sets down his bag and sits down on the ground, resting against the log instead of sitting on top of it with her. He sinks into the soft loam, leans against the fallen trunk. It’s more comfortable than it looks. A few feet between them seem like miles, or inches, he isn’t sure.

Jasper regards him coolly, tilting her head slightly to one side. “Why’d you really come here?”

“To talk to you,” says Steven, his hands folded and calm in his lap, his breathing slowing. “You told me once that I was the one who needed help. I’ve been getting it.”

“Told you,” she says, but there’s no gloating in her voice. She purses her lips, face tensed in concentration. At last she says, “So have I.”

He blinks, hands coming apart, fingers falling open. He raises his head and gazes up at her, wondering if he’s heard her right. “You have?”

“You told me to do something better with my life,” says Jasper, picking up her sketchbook. At this angle he can see what she’s drawn. It’s a rock -- what was it with her and rocks -- but a tenderly realized rock, craggy edges shaded in carefully, mosses and lichens rendered in textured shades of green and brown.

“Jasper, that’s -- that’s really beautiful,” says Steven. He’s been working on his art, too, but he’s no good at the type of delicate detail work laced into her sketch. “Who taught you?”

“Ruby,” she says. She sets the pencil down beside her, hands tensing on the sketchbook. “I don’t go to Lapis’ classes.”

“Right.” Part of him is saddened to hear it. Another part of him is grateful for Lapis’ sake. He wonders which of them he’s most like. “It seems like you’ve really taken to Little Homeschool. I’m glad for you.”

A small scoff of a laugh, but it softens at the end into something more like a real smile. Jasper shakes her hair, its white strands catching in the dappled sunlight beneath the trees. She looks… calm, like this, and it’s not a state he ever remembers seeing her in before.

“What about you?” she asks suddenly.

“I’m doing well,” he replies, still shocked that they’re talking at all. It’s going far better than most of the scenarios he’d practiced with Dr. Boverman. “I visit with my family every couple of weeks. I’ve been spending a lot of time in cities lately. All the noise and hustle and bustle… it’s different, sometimes it’s overwhelming, but I like the energy. It’s… good. It’s really good. Connie and I meet up every week. And I talk to my therapist.”

“What’s that?”

“A therapist? Um… it’s like a healer for human minds. But it’s not instant, like with Diamond powers. It takes time. A long time.” He gives her a small smile. “Sometimes it’s two steps forward, one step back, but overall, I’m feeling a lot better than… before.”

Jasper considers his words. She leans down, and he realizes a shiny blue beetle is crawling over the tip of her boot. He tenses, waiting.

Jasper watches the beetle go, making no further move toward it. It ambles away peacefully.

“You are not my Diamond,” she says into the silence.

“No,” he agrees, and something inside of him unclenches. “I -- I’m a Diamond. But mostly I’m just Steven.”

“I hated you for so long.”

He fights an urge to be sarcastic, to bite back at her. This doesn’t sound… angry. He keeps quiet, and lets her speak.

Her hand clenches into a fist, heavy against her thigh. “I thought that if you could stop being weak, if I could make you stronger, I would have my Diamond again. My purpose. Someone to protect, someone to serve.”

She stares into the woods, and he remembers his hands and legs awash in pink, the glow as he tore through the trees beneath a starry sky. He remembers jagged laughter, his gem humming, a power crueler than he’d ever felt before --

“I know.”

“Don’t ‘I know’ me when I’m talking to you,” she snaps. “I’m trying to -- arrgh. I thought this would be easier.”

“You thought what would be easier --” he starts to ask.

“You know. Talking. Ugh. It’s nothing like a good fight. The target keeps changing.” She crosses her arms, still staring off into the trees. The sun shifts overhead, casting her face in shadow.

“That’s called a conversation,” he says gently. “Battles are battles, but a hard conversation… it can hurt.”

“Now you tell me,” says Jasper, and it takes him a solid minute before he realizes it’s a joke. He laughs, but it’s too late, and Jasper shakes her head. “Look. Steven. I -- I’m sorry.” The words are hasty and fumbled and fast, but he catches them, barely.

“You’re sorry?” Steven yelps. “But I’m the one who shattered you.” It still comes out like a dirty word, almost two years later. He wonders if he’ll ever be able to fully say it, if he’ll ever be able to act like it hasn’t scarred him. He hopes not. “I’m the one who should be apologizing to you.”

“You have. Just now, and before,” she says, shrugging. “But I only said I’d teach you to get you to fight me. And you did. And I lost.”

“Because I lost myself, I lost who I was, you didn’t make me --”

“But you were off-color,” growls Jasper. “You were -- what do you humans call it again --?”

“Sick,” he says softly. Such a small word. It barely begins to cover everything that went wrong two years ago, but he knows CPTSD won’t mean a thing to her, and that’s okay, that’s not what he’s here for.

“Sick,” she repeats. “And I --” She digs her hands into the tree bark, small flakes of it crumbling beneath her shaking hands. “I made you worse. So that I could get something I wanted. I failed to protect my Diamond from myself.”

“Jasper --” he gasps. “You’ve been blaming yourself? For me shattering you?”

“Someone’s got to do it,” she huffs.

He rubs the back of his neck with his hand, tries to take another deep breath, reminds himself to return to the thought of his gem as a centering point. He can do this. He can do this. It’s just, this isn’t how he thought it would go at all.

He closes his eyes. Remembers the way she screamed at him, punches in the gut, the face, the sides. Remembers the way she goaded, the way she pressed, how proud she looked of how frightening he’d become. He doesn’t know what to say. “I -- I was sick,” he manages finally. “I -- you’re right.”

“Of course I am.”

He shakes his head at that. “But I’m still the one who did it. I still have to take responsibility for hurting you,” he demands.

Jasper gives him an appraising look. “Hmph,” she says, and he doesn’t know if it’s a hmph of agreement or a hmph of disdain. It’s hard to tell with Jasper. She holds the silence an uncomfortably long time before she says, “Maybe.”

“This isn’t how -- I wanted you to be mad at me,” Steven admits. “I wanted you to be pissed off! To tell me to get away from you!”

“I can still do that,” says Jasper, apparently turning the thought around in her mind. She chuckles, very slightly. “But if that’s an order, I’m ignoring it.”

He laughs. “You’re full of surprises, Jasper.”

“Am not.”

“You kind of are.”

“Don’t be so surprised then.” She picks up her pencil, returning to her sketch. Grass starts to grow beneath her rock, verdant blades springing up from dark soil.

“I thought you hated the local ecosystem.”

“It has its functions,” says Jasper begrudgingly. “If I leave the grass it provides better contrast for the rocks.” She picks up a different shade of green, adding highlights. “It’s still puny. But it has a purpose of its own.”

“What’s yours?” he asks, then kicks himself for getting so personal.

“Only if you tell me what yours is.”

Two years ago, the request would have paralyzed him. Two years ago, he’d have panicked, spun out with a lie, tried his best not to think about who he was and what he was supposed to do.

He just smiles. Breathes in the fresh green air, so different from the machine-smell of the big city. Beneath the green there’s a hint of salt, the promise of the sea. It smells like home.

“My purpose is to be Steven,” he says simply. “To be myself. To grow and change. To love myself, regrets and all.”

“Sounds all right,” says Jasper begrudgingly. “Sort of like mine these days.” She turns to him, frowning. “You got something to write on?”

“Uh, let me see.” He rummages in his bag. “Oh hey! I have my sketchbook, too.”

“Well?” Jasper says, pointing to the boulder before her. “Let’s see what you’ve got.”

He flips through his sketchbook, passing pages of silly Connie faces, a self-portrait in pink and white, Lion poses, CPH classic fanart. He settles on a blank page and Jasper shoves a green pencil into his hand. He feels smooth wood, the lightness of the organic drawing implement rounded and gentle in his palm. No sharp edges, no jagged fragments, no terrible weight dragging his clenched hand into the hot water. He blinks back tears.

The sunlight shifts, the golden hour arriving, brilliant light shafting through the leaves above and lining the forest floor in spun-gold glory. His hands don’t quite have this kind of magic in them, but he tries his best, his drawing including sketches of the rock, the grass, the trees beyond them. He adds a gleaming line of yellow at the edges. He’ll show it to Dr. Boverman at their next appointment.

“Not bad,” says Jasper, peering over his sketchbook. “You added the trees.”

“It just felt more complete that way,” he says. He glances at her drawing. The rock is resplendent, resting on gold-touched grass, light captured in patches against the mosses and lichens. “You can see all of this? It’s incredible, Jasper.”

“It’s just what it looks like,” she says stubbornly. “It’s a good challenge.”

“Like a conversation,” he says, half to himself.

“Something like that.” The breeze flutters past them, carrying faint birdsong, the far-off scent of the sea.

“Thanks for talking with me, Jasper. I know you didn’t have to.”

“Of course. I do what I want,” she replies, and her voice is gentler than he’s ever heard it.

#steven universe future #steven universe #suf #jasper #steven universe jasper #do not tag as ship!#the future #suf spoilers #steven universe spoilers #steven universe future spoiler #fanfoolishness' steven universe fic #fanfoolishness steven universe fic #fragments

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fanfoolishness · 5 years ago

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getting better all the time (SUF)

Steven confronts the Gems about a test they gave him years ago. Angst and anger and a little hope. One month after ‘I Am My Monster,’ Amethyst POV, 4150 words.

***

Things were… getting better. At least, Amethyst was pretty sure they were.

(They certainly couldn’t get any worse than Steven hunched and glowing on the floor, gasping those terrible things, crumpling, vanishing, swallowed up in a monster so massive he dwarfed the Diamonds —)

But that was over. They’d finally gotten through to him, finally gotten him to realize how much they all loved him. It had been a whole month. He was talking to a human therapist and spending time with the three of them again, and she could see glimmers of the old him coming back. That had to be better, right?

There were times she wasn’t exactly sure, though. Maybe it was normal when humans were stressed, those days where he snapped at them over every little thing and glowed pink and cried, or days when he slept so long Amethyst would have been jealous if it didn’t scare her a little bit. None of the days ended in Steven the monster (he’d looked so scared, somehow, even through the fangs and the roaring voice), so she told herself to stop worrying.

Then again, that’s what she’d told herself before this all happened. I knew. I knew something was wrong.

Like, this, just now, she wasn’t sure about. Steven had come down from his room at a normal time, sleeping in until mid-morning but not until three in the afternoon. He’d had a few jokes for them. He’d made breakfast with her, laughing when she did the old egg-in-the-eyes trick for him. He’d settled in on the couch with a cup of tea instead of bitter black coffee. He had even said yes when Pearl suggested they watch a movie together. He’d picked something silly, Crossroads Jones and the Lost Diadem, a goofy old movie about an archaeologist hunting treasure. Amethyst hadn’t seen it in years. Progress! It was good, right?

So why, an hour into the movie, was Steven sitting there with his hands tightening around his mug until it cracked?

Garnet was the first to notice, of course. Amethyst watched with concern as Garnet gently removed the mug from his hands, getting up and putting it carefully in the sink. “Steven, we don’t have to watch this movie if you don’t want to.”

“Of course I want to,” he said, but his voice sounded weird, and just as he spoke the picture shorted out. He jumped to his feet and turned the TV off, looking embarrassed.

Amethyst gave Pearl a worried look, then turned back to Steven. “You okay there, bud?” she asked.

“Yes, of c --” he started to say. Then an irritated look crossed his face as if he was remembering something. “No,” he said instead.

“Thank you for telling us. Would you like to talk about it?” Pearl asked carefully. Amethyst could tell she was thinking of the house meetings they’d been having, where they’d started trying to hammer out what they could change in their own behavior to help Steven.

One of the rules Steven had given them was Just don’t... corner me. I’ll try to talk more, but I need you guys to give me space sometimes too. Amethyst relaxed as Pearl tried to look casual instead of panicky.

Good job, P.

Steven exhaled heavily. They all stared at him, then realized they were staring at him, then all looked at each other instead. Garnet removed her visor, letting it vanish in a twinkle.

“So… ugh, this is hard,” said Steven. He closed his eyes for a moment. “One of the things I’ve been, um, talking about in therapy… Dr. B’s been trying to encourage me to talk about things when they bother me, instead of pretending I’m fine.”

“We want to listen, Steven,” said Garnet, leaning against the kitchen counter.

“Yeah, but… sometimes my problem is with you guys?” he said in a rush, not meeting their eyes. Amethyst watched him carefully, trying to figure out how a movie about a nerd hunting treasure had bothered him, and what it had to do with them.

“Dude, that’s okay. Sometimes we mess up. Sometimes we really mess up, and if we did, we want to fix it,” said Amethyst. “What did we do this time?”

Steven flinched. “You didn’t do anything today,” he said. “It’s just, the movie -- did that last scene remind you of anything?”

Pearl considered. “Well, the humans were in danger,” she said slowly. “Did that bother you? Like when we would go on missions and they would get too dangerous?” She sighed. “Sometimes I wonder what we were thinking, taking you to some of those places —“

“No, no, that’s not what I mean,” said Steven. “Not exactly. I mean, things were gonna get dangerous at some point no matter what. You guys couldn’t keep me away from Peridot and J— Homeworld stuff, that wasn’t your fault.”

“They were seeking treasure in the movie,” said Garnet, laying a hand over her mouth as she thought. “As you sought our approval. But we failed to give you what you needed —“

“Oh jeez, no,” said Steven, clearly annoyed. “No, it was —“

Amethyst exclaimed, “Oh yeah! They just almost got crushed by a giant rock in a cave! It’s like my room in that test we gave you! Oh man, did you get squished by that thing? I mean, it wasn’t supposed to actually hit you —“ She stopped, remembering that they hadn’t told him about the failsafes.

Steven gave her a pained smile. “Yeah. That’s what it reminded me of, that test. It -- uh, it didn’t go the way you guys thought it did.” He laughed, a nervous sound, and paced around the living room. His feet padded against the floor.

“What do you mean?” asked Pearl, tilting her head. “You did so well. You passed every obstacle --”

Steven shook his head. “You still won’t admit it.” His hands were fists. He slowly opened and closed them, again and again, staring at his palms. He opened his mouth. “I didn’t pass it. One of Garnet’s spikes came down on me. It would have broken some more of my bones, probably — um, I don’t remember if I told you guys, but we found that out at the hospital —“

“Your bones were broken?” Pearl yelped, thunderstruck.

“What? Seriously, what?” Amethyst squawked. “When?”

“Steven!” cried Garnet.

“I don’t know exactly,” said Steven, shrugging uncomfortably. He bit his lip. “I have some guesses? Like any time I actually had a bruise or a cut. I think my gem healed a lot of stuff right as it went down, but anything I actually remember hurting… I think it might have done really serious damage. There were x-rays… my bones have all these old fractures —“

“I’m so sorry,” gasped Garnet. She stopped leaning against the counter and stepped forward, raising her arms to give Steven a hug. He pulled away from her, shaking his head again.

“No, I mean, that stuff is bad, and we should probably talk about that too sometime, but that’s not what I was… it’s not why the mug cracked.” He waved a hand and kept pacing. “Can I just finish saying what I’m trying to say?” There was an edge in his voice, a hardness that made Amethyst wince.

“Sorry,” she said quickly.

“We’ll stop interrupting,” said Pearl, but there were big tears in her eyes. Amethyst nudged her and she wiped them away, trying to smile encouragingly at Steven.

“Anyway, what I’m trying to say — you guys rigged the test. All of it. So it didn’t work at all. That stupid rock chasing the guy in the movie, t just reminded me of that.”

“But you seemed so happy afterward!” Pearl protested.

“Yeah, you were super proud!” Amethyst said, trying to figure out why Steven was so upset. Okay, so maybe he’d realized he couldn’t really mess up the test, but why did that matter?

Garnet looked as confused as Amethyst felt. “I don’t understand,” she murmured. “I saw you passing the test, and becoming more confident in your powers, like we hoped. And you did start becoming improving so much afterwards --”

Steven held up a hand. “Maybe that’s what it looked like? But not for the reason you think. I went over this with Dr. B a week or two ago, and I wasn’t sure I wanted to tell you guys but I think I have to, or it’s gonna keep bothering me.” He crossed his arms over his chest, sucking in deep breaths through his nose and letting them slowly out through his mouth. “It’s not just that it was rigged.”

“What do you mean?” asked Pearl.

“I sneaked out through the back of the test and made it outside into the temple. I overheard you guys --” He rubbed at his eyes. “You said you were bad at helping me. You said you didn’t know what I needed. That I couldn’t lose my confidence again. And Garnet said there wasn’t anyone like me, that there’s never been ‘anyone or anything like Steven.’”

“Oh, no, Steven, we never meant for you to hear that --” Pearl cried.

“Crap! We were bad at it!” Amethyst swore.

“And -- and I wanted to yell at you, all of you -- I was so mad you gave me another fake test, that you didn’t trust me for real -- that you wouldn’t actually ever let me fail at something --” He was pacing harder, footsteps louder on the wood floor, breathing heavily, a pink flush starting on his cheeks. “But you know what I thought? You know what I realized? I realized that there was something I could do right.”

He laughed a little, but there were tears starting in his eyes. “I realized that I had to take care of you. I couldn’t let you know that I knew. So I pretended -- I lied -- so you would all feel better.”

He sank back down onto the couch, burying his face in his hands, sniffling. “And that’s what I’ve been doing ever since. Lying. Telling everyone I was fine. Pretending I never messed up. Because that way, no one would ever have to feel bad because of me.” He let out a long, shuddering sigh. “And we all know how that turned out.” He waved angrily out at the ocean.

For a moment, nobody spoke.

Amethyst stared at the floor. She could see Steven marching out of the final test chamber, his little arms and shoulders stiff, his face frozen. And they’d all been so worried that they’d messed it up again, that they were never going to be able to help him be a Crystal Gem or use his powers, and they had to figure it out. They had to help him. What if Homeworld was coming? How could they protect Steven when it was just the three of them? They had to try and help him get stronger, they had to get him to stop beating himself up. They had to help him use Rose’s powers in case he had to protect himself. But they had no idea how to do it.

She remembered how tense she’d been, how they’d all watched him approach in silence. And he’d suddenly become so happy. The way he talked up each of their parts of the test! The grin on his face, the way his eyes lit up! And Amethyst remembered how proud she’d been. How proud they’d all been, folding him into a sweeping hug, grateful that they’d finally gotten it right.

Except he lied.

“We fucked up,” Amethyst mumbled.

“Amethyst! Language!” Pearl snapped, scandalized. Then her face softened. “Yes. You’re right.”

Garnet sat on the end of the couch, folding her hands together and gazing sadly at Steven. “I didn’t know.”

“Well, I didn’t want you to,” muttered Steven. “I mean… I wish I’d been honest. Maybe it wouldn’t have messed me up so much if I’d just said something. Or if you could admit I failed. Sometimes it was scary, feeling like I could never do anything wrong because I’d disappoint you.”

It echoed in Amethyst’s mind. You all think I’m some kind of angel, but I’m not that kid anymore! She swallowed.

“Steven,” said Pearl, reaching out and gently laying a hand on his shoulder. “You were a child. We should have realized you were upset.”

“We messed up, man. We didn’t know what we were doing,” said Amethyst, leaning against Steven’s other shoulder. He leaned his cheek against hers reluctantly. “Is that why you never wanna tell us when something bothers you?”

Steven snorted. “Well, there’s a lot of reasons, but I guess that’s one of them.” His voice softened. “Like I felt like I had to take care of you. Like I was only good if I could keep you guys from feeling bad.”

“Steven, our feelings are our own,” said Garnet. “They are not your responsibility. You don’t need to protect us anymore. We should have been protecting you all along. Even from ourselves.”

“You’re right. You should have. You didn’t!” he burst out, jumping back to his feet.

They fell back against the couch, staring at him. Crap. That was another one of the rules he’d asked them to follow. Please don’t stare at me if I’m freaking out. It just makes it worse.

Amethyst tried looking out the window, but out the window she could see the ocean, and the ocean was where he’d fought the Cluster, where he’d screamed and nearly poofed them, where he’d cried in the ocean air for an hour afterwards, inconsolable --

“Why did you even want me to live with you?” he shouted, and she forgot her effort not to stare at him when she realized he was flaring pink. It glowed through his skin and hair, but his eyes weren’t diamonds, they were still Steven’s, scared and upset. “You had no idea what to do with me! You were all messed up from Mom dying! Pearl, you almost killed me more than once, Amethyst, you hated yourself so much I think I learned how to do it from you, and Garnet, you made me feel so small all the time -- I love you guys but you have to admit, my childhood was fucked up!”

He stood alone in the middle of the living room, chest heaving, pink hands curled into fists, tears streaming down his face.

“We wanted you to live here because we love you, Steven,” said Pearl, her voice shaking. “We wanted to teach you about your heritage. And we wanted to protect you.”

“I -- I know you love me, that’s not --” His voice was strangled. His hands rose up, fingers twisting into his hair as he grimaced. “Sometimes things were just so hard!” His voice rang through the stillness, a burst of energy that rippled through them all and sent the coffee table shaking, but nothing cracked. He clapped a hand over his mouth, looking panicked, his shoulders heaving.

Amethyst fought back tears of her own. Don’t make it about you, she told herself firmly. You gotta help him! “Steven?”

“Yeah?” he whispered raggedly.

“You’re right. Things sucked sometimes. And you had to go through all of that, and that sucks, too. And you’re mad because sometimes we made things worse, right?”

He nodded, staring at her with wide eyes with his mouth clamped shut.

“This is really hard for you. That’s okay. But is it cool if I do one of your exercises with you?” she asked, getting to her feet. She hoped this was the right thing to do. Steven himself had suggested it a week or two ago, but she didn’t know if it applied now. Hopefully it did.

He laughed, and it was more like a sob. “I -- I guess. Yeah. Okay.”

She took his hands in her own, trying to remember what he’d told them. “Okay, you tell me if we’re doing it right. Deep breath in?”

He took a deep breath, following her lead, and nodded slightly through his tears.

“And deep breath out?”

“Yeah,” he said softly, dropping his head so that it leaned against her own. His hands trembled in hers.

“That feels pretty good, right?” she said, trying to keep her voice strong. “Let’s do it again. Deep breath in….”

She felt a hand on her shoulder, then another on the other side. Garnet and Pearl stood on either side of her and Steven, all of them taking slow, calming breaths.

Steven lifted his head up after a few minutes, his face blotchy but peach-colored again. “You guys aren’t… mad?”

“No, Steven, we aren’t angry,” said Garnet, wiping her eyes. “We wish we’d made different choices, but we’re not upset with you. You spoke a lot of truth. I know I can seem… distant, but I never wanted to be distant from you. I wanted to protect you. I’m sorry.”

“Steven, I’m sorry too,” wept Pearl. “I’m so sorry. I should never have let my pain affect you. I just… I didn’t know what to do after your mother died. It hurt so much to talk about her, and sometimes I made choices I regret because I felt so lost --” She kissed his cheek. “I love you so much, Steven. I wish I had known how to show you that.”

“I mean, I still knew,” he said, giving her a wavering smile. “And you haven’t done anything dangerous with me in years. Unless you count Steven Tag.”

“We did go a little all-in on that, didn’t we?” Pearl mused, her tears slowing. She wiped them from her eyes, gazing fondly at him.

“It was fun, though,” he admitted. “It’s not like everything was bad, you know? It just feels that way sometimes. Especially now that I’m finally trying to figure things out in my own head. All the bad stuff feels so big it kinda overpowers everything else right now.”

“We want to help you,” said Garnet. “Even if it’s difficult for us to hear. You deserve to be able to share your feelings with us.”

“Even if it hurts,” said Pearl.

“I’m sorry, Ste-man,” said Amethyst, flinging her arms around his waist. It was still hard to believe sometimes how tall he’d gotten. “I know I had my issues. I’m sorry I let them be yours, too.”

He ruffled her hair with one hand, sighing. “Thanks. All of you.”

“How are you?” asked Pearl.

Amethyst lifted her head up from his chest, gazing up at him. Steven looked exhausted now, wiped out the way she was starting to get used to after moments like this. Moments. Fights. Venting. She wasn’t sure what to call it.

“Tired,” he said. His eyes were puffy. “I’m sor--” Another deep breath. “I’m not supposed to keep apologizing,” he said quietly. “At least not for everything. Dr. B was very clear on that.” He considered. “I’m sorry for yelling. But I’m not sorry for telling you guys why I was upset.”

“Good,” said Amethyst. “Apologizing too much isn’t healthy.”

“Pfft, you never apologize,” he chuckled.

“Dude! Did I not just apologize two seconds ago?” Amethyst cried, pretending to be mortally offended with a hand over her chest in her best Pearl impression.

“Okay, okay,” said Steven. He jammed his hands into the pockets of his jacket, then looked around at each of them in turn. “Are you guys… How are you guys?”

“You said something that needed to be said,” said Garnet. “I’m disappointed in myself, and I regret how our mistakes have affected you. But those feelings are for me to worry about, not you, Steven.” She brandished a double thumbs up at him.

“I’m sorry you were carrying around that secret for so long,” said Pearl. “We were trying so hard, and I wish -- I wish we’d done things differently. And I wish you hadn’t overheard us.”

“I’m fine,” said Amethyst. She suspected she might go into the temple later and scream her head off at how badly they’d apparently messed Steven up with that one day, a day she used to be proud of. But that was for her to deal with, and Steven to find out about never. Though what if that was part of the problem? Argh.

She amended, “I mean, I’m super bummed that our test backfired and made you feel like you couldn’t talk to us. Of course I am. And it sucks that it hurt you bad enough that a stupid movie brings all of that back for you and makes you frea-- makes you so upset.” Her words weren’t coming out right. Why was it so hard to say exactly what she felt?

She gave up and tapped Steven square in the chest. “So what do you want to do now?”

“I guess we could see how the movie ends,” said Steven, wiping his eyes. “Might as well. We’ve made it this far and it can’t be any worse than the CPH reboot.”

“Would you like some cocoa? I can make some for you,” said Pearl cheerfully, though her smile was a little too wide to be entirely genuine.

“Sure,” said Steven. He shook himself free of them and flopped back on the couch, turning the TV back on. The static was gone, the picture crisp and clear.

The movie wasn’t complicated. It was loud and ridiculous and there were too many silly stunts that humans definitely couldn’t perform on their own. It was exactly the sort of thing that was her favorite, and yet she couldn’t focus on it.

She just kept glancing up at Steven out of the corner of her eye, watching him sipping his cocoa, watching him to see if he’d really said what he needed to say. But every time she did so she fought multiple versions of him, images of younger Steven telling them, again and again, not to worry about him; images of the Steven of a month ago, glowing pink, taller than Garnet, insisting shrilly he was fine, he was fine, everything was fine; images of Steven in the temple surrounded by star-shaped balloons, his smile so wide and happy and fake.

They’d really hurt him.

More than once.

And she didn’t know what to say, didn’t know how to fix things that had happened years ago, how to make up for all her flaws and Pearl’s and Garnet’s and Rose’s. All she knew was that Steven was heading into human adulthood with -- what did humans call it -- scars, scars that ran through his brain like they apparently did through his bones, and she was part of the reason why.

So she curled up against him and poked him in the side to make him laugh and fetched him more cocoa when the mug ran low. He giggled when she poked him and laughed uproariously when Crossroads Jones ran into a pit of weasels. But the rest of the time he watched the movie with little shadows under his eyes, a puffiness that hadn’t been there earlier this morning.

The movie ended, credits rolling to bombastic music as bloopers played.

“That was… a movie,” said Garnet.

“It was incredibly historically inaccurate,” said Pearl. “I don’t even know where to begin.”

“It’s an action movie, P, they’re not supposed to be like real history,” said Amethyst.

“It was all right,” said Steven. “Even with… you know.” He dropped his gaze. “Thanks for listening, guys.”

“How are you feeling these days? Overall?” asked Amethyst.

She wondered what he would say. Fine! Things are so much better! I’ll be back to normal in no time! She ached, thinking of him squashing everything down again, pretending for their sake and his own.

Steven shrugged, quirking his mouth to one side as he thought about his answer. “Some days are pretty good,” he said. “Sometimes I feel like my old self again. But some days are still so hard I -- I get scared it’s going to be like that day last month. Like I’m gonna explode again into something I can’t control.” He shivered. “But most days are like… this. With parts that suck. And parts that are pretty okay. I dunno.”

“You know what I think?” asked Amethyst.

“What?”

“You just told us things are less than good. You yelled at us about something we screwed up, and yeah, it sucked to hear it, but we got it out in the open. And you’re not pretending everything’s fine when it isn’t,” she said.

Pearl and Garnet smiled at him. He didn’t return the gesture, looking confused. “So?”

“I dunno, man. To me, that seems like you’re getting better, even when it doesn’t always look like it. And hopefully… we’re getting a little bit better at helping you.”

Steven raised his eyebrows, then smiled slightly. “Huh,” he said. “I guess that’s not so bad.”

“We love you so much, Steven.”

“All of us.”

“And don’t you forget it,” said Amethyst, hugging him tightly.

He sighed contentedly, hugging her back. “Love you guys.”

She sank against him in relief. Yeah. Things were getting a little better, all the time.

#suf #steven universe #steven universe future #amethyst su #steven universe fanfic #fanfoolishness' steven universe fic #fanfoolishness steven universe fic #it was an interesting challenge to show both steven and the gems improving #but there's still some problems in how they communicate #and that will always be true to some extent #but hopefully they can all keep getting better

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fanfoolishness · 5 years ago

Text

until the rain (SUF)

One week after the events of I Am My Monster. Steven is impatient to get back to normal, but the rain reminds him it’s not that easy. Connverse, angst, a tiny smidgen of hope. 2800 words.

***

It had been a week. The longest week he’d ever lived, and yet it’d slipped by in a flash, the days so brief and hazy he could barely remember them. A week since he’d transformed. A week since his sickness finally reared its head and roared its name.

He sat in his room at eleven AM, blinking sticky eyelashes and trying to convince himself to get out of bed. If he could just get out of bed instead of staying here all day, he could tell himself he was getting better. And that was what everyone wanted, right?

He was doing better, Steven thought stubbornly, rubbing his eyes. He’d realized this morning, with a hint of pride, that he hadn’t glowed pink at all since the incident. That had to count for something, didn’t it? Maybe everything’s better now everything’s out in the open, he thought, remembering what he’d sung to Pearl once. He could almost believe it if it wasn’t for the way he still felt so wrong.

It didn’t help that his body felt alien to him in a way it never had before. His clothes fit, but they didn’t. Shirts stretched weirdly over his shoulders. His jeans felt too tight, but some days too loose. He tripped over the bottoms more than once. But when he undressed at night and looked at them closely, they seemed just the same as ever. Maybe he was just getting used to being human-shaped and Steven-sized again.

Adding to his disorientation, he found that his internal clock was off. Time had gotten smudged somehow. Mornings bled into afternoons, faded into evenings and the middle of the night. He slept long parts of the day away and lay awake at three in the morning. Meals broke up the hours somewhat, but he wasn’t up to cooking anything more complicated than a protein shake yet, and sometimes the Gems would make him breakfast at noon or Greg would swing by with takeout at nine PM. He couldn’t make sense of it. Not yet.

Maybe it was just the time difference from traveling to Homeworld. Or maybe he was still wiped out from transforming. Yeah. That was probably it.

Connie told him a schedule would help, that she would sit with him and make one up with him together when he felt ready. Greg tried to rouse him for a daily jam session. The psychologist that Dr. Maheswaran had referred him to, Dr. B., had also talked with him about starting a routine, but if Steven was honest, he barely remembered their first session the other day. He’d talked a little, and the doctor had talked some, and mostly he had sat there in silence: it was all a staticky blur in his head. He wasn’t sure if it was really going to help.

Especially since his memory was just as fractured as his sense of time. He’d already lost track of how many times he’d wandered into a room just to forget what he was doing, or trailed off in the middle of a conversation, leaving Amethyst or Pearl looking at him in concern. Part of him hated those looks.

But part of him was grateful. At least they can see how messed up I am. He felt a twisted sense of relief. This had to be better than bottling everything up, forcing it to explode when the pressure got too much. If they already knew how monstrous he could be, then he wouldn’t have to convince them --

Yeah. This was better. His family knew he wasn’t okay, and that was most of the problem, wasn’t it? Now that they knew, things were sure to get better. He felt another flash of pride, looking down at his peach-toned hands, no hint of pink in them at all.

Despite his weird sleeping habits, and the way the days felt stretched too long and over too quickly, and the way his skin didn’t fit him… he was happy about that. It was proof that things could get back to normal, even if they still felt strange now.

Maybe he was going to get better after all, sooner than everyone thought. He’d always bounced back from stuff before. Maybe he’d just go to the therapist for a few weeks, and get everything figured out. Heck, maybe he could do one better, maybe he could figure this out mostly on his own. Dad and the Gems and Connie knew, and they all wanted to help, and maybe that would be fine.

Maybe that was a lot of maybes, but he tried not to think about that.

***

Late afternoon found Steven laying back on his bed, staring up at the ceiling, idly petting Lion curled up on the floor beside him. He hadn’t managed to get up out of bed after all.

Beside him Lion purred. It was a low rumble vibrating in Steven’s chest, drowning out the sensation of his own heartbeat. It was comforting.

Distantly he became aware of the sound of rain against his window. For a moment, it lulled him. He’d always liked the sound of rain, the feel of the cold droplets against his skin, what the weather meant for the grass and trees and flowers. He adjusted his head against the pillow, getting drowsy, and the rain battered the side of the house --

Running in the rain, her shards jagged in his palm, his chest burning, what did he do what did he do --

He jerked out of his drowsiness, sitting bolt upright. “It’s fine,” he choked. “I’m fine --” Beside him, Lion stopped purring and raised his head, letting out a whuff sound.

Steven wavered, staring at Lion. He could ask Lion to find Connie. Maybe -- maybe he should -- but she was studying right now, wasn’t she -- wasn’t she busy --

He took a deep breath. Remembered her voice, far away and so, so close at the same time -- Steven, you must have been so scared to show us this side of yourself. Remembered her holding him later, just the two of them, when she whispered against his cheek to please stop hiding.

Okay. Okay. He could do this. Needed to do this.

“Lion?” he mumbled. “Can you see if --”

He hadn’t even finished the sentence before Lion roared and disappeared in a flash of light. Steven slumped down belly first onto the bed, staring out the rain-smeared window. He should have texted first. Or even called. She would probably send Lion straight back with a kind and apologetic text, telling him another time, telling him to talk to somebody else -- why would she want to talk to him when he was still so messed up --

“Steven?”

He blinked. Somehow he’d failed to notice Lion’s return, lost in his own thoughts. Connie sat down on the bed beside him, rubbing his back. He shivered at her touch.

“I’m sorry --” he started. Connie’s eyes flashed with sudden anger, and she leaned close to him, her eyes bright.

“Stop apologizing, Steven,” said Connie, and she looked so fierce and so worried he knew he couldn’t argue. “You needed me, right? You don’t have to be sorry about that.”

He gave her a quavering smile. “I guess I’d better listen to you, huh?”

“That’s more like it,” she said, and the fierceness slipped away, replaced with a gentle look that made his stomach flip. She swung her legs around, kicking off her shoes, and stretched out beside him, their shoulders and hips touching. She rested her chin on her fist and gazed at him, only a few inches away. “How are you today?”

He shrugged. The rain blatted against the window.

“Do you wanna talk about it?”

Steven closed his eyes. Garnet, Amethyst and Pearl staring as he burst into the house -- where have you been when they should have been asking what have you done --

“I don’t know,” he said honestly. “It’s just… the rain… I didn’t want to be alone.”

Connie was quiet for a moment. “I thought you liked the rain.”

“It was raining when I --” His mouth stumbled, forgetting how to make familiar sounds. He was tempted not to say anything at all. But Connie met his eyes, and he felt a pang. She at least deserved to know why he’d interrupted her studying and asked her to come all the way out here.

He swallowed. “When I fought Jasper.” He didn’t say the other word.

She stiffened, just a little, and laid her head on his shoulder. “And the rain made you think of that?”

“Yeah. It was raining when I --” He took a deep breath, a question aching in his chest. “Do you want to know how it happened?”

“I do, but -- only if you’re ready to talk about it. It’s okay if you’re not.” She stretched one arm out over his back, letting it rest against him, a small but comforting weight.

“I ran away,” said Steven, burying his face in his blanket. He spoke in a rush, his voice muffled by the thick fabric. “I thought no one would look for me out in the woods where Jasper lived. I mean, why would they, right? But I thought maybe she could help me, and maybe if I could just control these Diamond powers, then everything would be better, everything would be fine.” He tensed, his hands digging into the blankets. The words tumbled out of him. “And if I couldn’t control them, then at least the only person I might hurt would be -- would be --”

Shards glinting in the rubble beneath the stormy sky -- his stomach convulsing, vomiting fish in the dirt on his hands and knees -- shrinking back to himself again, the fantasy over -- running home -- running --

“Steven?” Connie asked, worry in her voice. “You’re glowing again.”

“No!” He jerked away from her, nearly rolling off the bed in his haste. He leaped to his feet, backing away. “I -- I thought I stopped!” he gasped, staring at his luminously pink hands. “I thought it was over, I thought I was done after that day on the beach, I haven’t turned pink since then --”

Connie reached out to him and he recoiled. “You shouldn’t be around me when I’m like this -- what if I -- what if I turn into that thing again --”

“Then we’ll help you again. All of us!”

“But I don’t want to do that! I don’t want to be that!” he cried shrilly, his fingers knotting themselves into his hair. He bent over, trying not to be sick. His flesh prickled -- it crawled --

Connie’s hand was light but firm on his shoulder. He heard her words tinnily, as if from a great distance. “If you don’t want to be… then you won’t, right?”

“I -- huh?” It was so hard to concentrate, his heart was trying to explode out of his chest, his face swelled and shrank like a balloon -- no, no, he thought he was getting better --

“Listen to me,” she said, and her voice cut through the sound of his blood rushing in his ears. “Before. You said you were a monster,” she said softly. “And then that’s what happened. But if you don’t want to be one -- if you remember you’re Steven -- then you’ll be Steven, right?”

“I -- I guess --”

She reached up and took his hands by the wrists, slowly bringing them down to waist level. She cradled his hands in hers as he breathed heavily, in and out, in and out, blinking back tears.

“You’re Steven,” said Connie firmly. Her thumbs traced little circles on the back of his hands, and he focused on the feeling, soft aimless patterns against his skin. His breathing slowed, a little bit, a little bit more.

“I -- I know, but -- I just wanna be okay, Connie, but I’m not --” He faltered, his protests dying in his throat. What was he trying to say? Did he even know?

Warily he remembered how he’d declared himself fine and shattered the glass in his door, and he kept his mouth closed, his lips pressed firmly together. Don’t break anything, don’t mess up, not again --

“You’re Steven,” Connie repeated. “And you’re not okay right now. But you’re going to get better. And if it takes time, it takes time, you know? It’s hard… I’m not saying it won’t be hard.” She frowned, searching for words, and he strained to listen, to understand her.

“Like, graduating from high school takes time. Even when you cram. And it’s hard and some days just don’t feel worth it and sometimes you just feel like you’re going crazy with all the stress and the expectations and --” She managed a smile, blinking back tears. “But I know I’m gonna get there if I put in the time. So maybe think of this part of your life as… helping Steven school. You’re gonna go to therapy and you’re gonna cram and sometimes it’s really gonna suck… but you’ll learn stuff. And you’ll get closer to getting better, all the time. Okay?”

He looked down at their hands. His were still pink against her brown skin. But they were the normal size, and they were steady, no longer trembling.

“That makes sense,” he mumbled. He blinked back tears, glancing away and hoping Connie didn’t notice. A memory from a few days ago flashed into his head. “It sounds kind of like what the therapist said.”

“Did you like him? Mom said she made sure to brief him on Gem stuff,” said Connie. She led him back to the bed, and they sat down on the edge, still holding hands. Steven laced his fingers into Connie’s.

“He was all right. I’m supposed to talk to him again the day after tomorrow.”

“What did he say?”

“He said…” Steven bit his lip. “He said it’s gonna take time. To get better.” He hung his head. “I just… I hoped he meant like two weeks, or a month… I could do that. But if I’m still glowing and freaking out at things now… Connie, what if this takes months? Or years? What if I never get better?”

He started sobbing then, as the pink glow faded, as Connie swept him into a bonecrushing hug. He cried into her shoulder until her shirt was damp, his chest heaving, his arms clinging around her waist. He cried like he did seven days ago, beneath a sunny sky, the sound of waves in his ears.

He didn’t know how long it was until he settled down. Connie was rubbing his back with one hand, brushing his hair away from his forehead with the other. The rain pounded on the window, drumming louder than ever.

“Thank you,” he murmured, lifting his head and scrubbing at his face with one hand.

“For what?” Connie asked, smirking. “You did all the work.”

He snorted. “If you call crying my eyes out work.”

“Well, it’s not easy, that’s for sure.”

He opened his mouth, then closed it again. Huh.

She was right. It wasn’t easy at all.

“How do you feel?”

“Better, I guess,” Steven said truthfully. He gazed out the window at the rain and the gray-black clouds, remembering what had turned him pink. He folded his hands in his lap. “I -- I don’t think I can talk about Jasper yet,” he admitted. “I thought maybe if I just tried to talk through it, it wouldn’t be so bad… but I can’t.”

“Maybe it just takes time,” Connie said. “You don’t have to deal with everything overnight.”

“But it’s already been a week,” Steven began.

Connie raised her eyebrows at him. “Steven? How long have I known you?”

He thought back, doing the math. “Uh…. four years? Almost five?”

“And how long has messed up stuff been happening to you?”

“If you count gem stuff… about five years. If you count living in a van as a baby after my mom died giving birth to me….”

Her brow arched even higher, and he had to laugh at himself.

“... okay, yeah, seven days might not be that much time to get better from all of that.”

“You see my point then,” she said matter-of-factly. “So.” She turned and looked out at the window, watching the rain. “What do you want to do now? ”

He hugged her again. “I know I already interrupted your studying, but…. could you stay a little while? Just -- just until the rain stops?”

“Yeah,” said Connie. “I can do that.” She kissed him on the cheek, her lips warm. And he wanted to kiss her in a different way, but part of him knew he wasn’t ready, knew he wanted to get better for her before he tried.

The thought struck him, warmer and more comforting than the fact he’d avoided turning pink for a few days. It was a good thought. A brave thought. One that he held onto for a long, long time.

I want to get better.

They lay back against the blanket holding hands, glow in the dark stars on the ceiling twinkling in the dim light, the storm outside fiercer than ever. And he remembered, just a little, how he’d always liked the rain.

#steven universe future #suf #steven universe #connverse #connie maheswaran #steven x connie #connie x steven #i am my monster #fanfoolishness' steven universe fic #fanfoolishness steven universe fic #man this took forever #really struggling with some writer's block #i blame covid grrr

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fanfoolishness · 5 years ago

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remember when? (SUF)

Steven crashes with Greg after the events of Prickly Pair, but it’s not the way it used to be. Angst, ~1000 words.

***

Greg hoped Steven would talk to him. Hoped it as hard as anything. But as the night went on, he became more uncertain he would get a word out of his son.

It wasn’t until halfway through the second sci-fi movie that Steven said anything more complicated than “hey” or “sure” or “okay.” It was mumbled quietly enough that Greg almost didn’t hear it through the scientist’s monologue about humanity making a monster. He fumbled to pause the movie as soon as he realized Steven was talking.

“Uh, thanks for letting me stay with you, Dad.” Steven didn’t look at him, though. He sat huddled against the side of the van, half wrapped in his green sleeping bag. Greg wondered when he’d outgrown the old caterpillar one.

“Steven, you know you can always stay here,” said Greg. He hoped he sounded more confident and supportive than he felt. He fought to squash down the fear that had been churning his stomach since that morning, when he’d gone over to visit Steven with a box full of vegetarian breakfast sandwiches and seen the broken house. He glanced back and saw the box still sitting in his front seat, stained with grease and forgotten after hours of trying to help Steven and the Gems clean the place up. His hands still stung from getting poked by cactus spines.

“Yeah, I know, it’s just -- I didn’t want to be there tonight.” Steven hunkered down into himself, shoulders hunching, head sinking until his neck was no longer visible.

Greg scooted beside him, reaching out to rub Steven’s back. It used to always help when Steven was a little guy, crying about a skinned knee or a broken toy. But Steven tensed under his touch, and he quickly pulled his hand away, aching.

“Do… you want to talk about it?” He remembered what Pearl had told him earlier today. Greg, we’re all so worried about Steven. That cactus monster could talk. Steven accidentally taught it to repeat everything he said, and it was so angry at us, but he still won’t tell us what’s wrong --

Steven shrugged, gazing out the window into the dark. Beyond his profile Greg could see just a hint of the streetlight near the car wash. It bathed the edge of Steven’s face in an unhealthy amber glow.

“What’s to say? I screwed up. Again. I should have been more careful.”

“Again?” asked Greg cautiously, confused. Screwed up? He could hardly think of anyone who’d screwed up less in their life.

“I just -- you know, like when I was a kid. Losing control of my powers. Now the house is all smashed up, the Gems are mad at me, and it’s my fault.” Steven rubbed his face, then leaned against the wall of the van, away from Greg. “I don’t really want to talk about it. Can you put the movie back on?”

“It was an accident,” said Greg, as gently as he could. The fear in the pit of his stomach weighed more heavily than ever. He’d never seen Steven stay so down on himself for more than a few minutes, but he’d been like this all day, sullen, evasive, angry at himself. Nothing Greg said seemed to be helping, and Steven had barely said more than a word to the Gems all day. He made another attempt. “Everyone makes mistakes. We all know you didn’t mean for the house to get destroyed. Don’t be so hard on yourself, kiddo.”

“I’m not a kid --” Steven let out a frustrated noise. “Look, I should know better. I can’t be careless like that again.” His shoulders trembled. “I could hurt someone.”

“But you wouldn’t,” Greg insisted. “Hey. Look at me.”

Steven turned to look at him, but it was only out of the corner of his eye, half of his face still in shadow. His expression was wary, like he was waiting for an attack. Aghast, Greg gazed back at him. What was happening to Steven?

“What’s this really all about? We used to be able to talk, Schtu-ball,” Greg tried. “Your old man’s here for you. If you can’t talk to the Gems, why don’t you try me?”

Steven closed his eyes, a short, bitter laugh escaping him. “There’s a lot I never told you, Dad.” He laid down in his sleeping bag and pulled the cover over his head until just a few dark curls stuck out. “Whatever. I’m really tired,” he said, voice muffled. “Night.”

“Okay, ki-- Steven,” said Greg, defeated. His eyes burned. He hit the play button, and the scientist went back to warning about the looming threat. The TV’s light flickered in black and white over the lumpy sleeping bag beside him.

The monster ravaged the city and the scientist wailed about the doom of humankind. Greg wasn’t paying attention. He simply sat there, watching Steven’s chest rise and fall beneath his sleeping bag. Half an hour passed, and Steven still wasn’t asleep. Just pretending to be.

The movie ended. The world was saved, or maybe it wasn’t. Greg wasn’t sure. Mechanically he turned off the TV, leaving only a thin sliver of amber streetlight inside the van. He laid down against his thin mattress, pulling the blankets over himself and staring up at the darkened ceiling.

He listened to his son breathe, an unending series of carefully measured breaths, in and out. None of Steven’s usual gentle snoring, though.

How long had it been since it was just the two of them in the van? This old van had seen so much laughter, heard so many songs, been there for so many moments between them. Yet it had been years since they’d really been here together, he thought. Years of Steven growing, changing, saving the day, saving the world. Steven had gone through so much more than Greg had ever wanted him to face, so much more than they could have ever prepared him for. And Greg had missed far more than he’d ever realized.

There’s a lot I never told you.

His fingers curled around his blanket, hands tensing until his palms ached. It felt like there were still a few cactus spines embedded in his fingertips. He had to try again to reach him, to help.

“Steven?” he whispered into the dark, hoping, hoping for an answer. For the answer.

He waited. The only reply was the steady breathing of a stranger.

#steven universe future #suf #steven universe #greg universe #prickly pair #fanfoolishness steven universe fic #su

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