#guess who has to go to work tomorrow :^)
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#Guess who has to call the doctor's office tomorrow once more#Not for one of the big reasons that have been building up over the past months.#Not because I need to discuss the results of the hospital tests. No.#(because I still haven't managed to call the hospital to ask for them)#No because that fucking tick bite acts up 3 weeks after#And because my fucking finger refuses to heal at all...#So I've got to call again once more#Beating myself about it#Using all the energy leaving nothing for all the other important calls I've been procrastinating on...#Whyyyy irghh#I dont have the energy to do all of it#FINGERS CROSSED I can go there early in the morning and don't have to cancel work.. I know I know health is more important and all...#But I don't want to let the kids keep hanging#I've got some pretty unstable clients tomorrow...#tumblr is my diary and you can read along#I can already tell I wouldn't survive chronic pain that's not dull pain#It frightens me how much the two weeks of constant sharp pain is fucking with my head already
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havin the weirdest crisis of my life
#this is like. did related so im gonna sound completely uh#what’s the word. odd and shit for a sec okay? okay#so I’ve been here. hi im cheri silver yknow me for about 20 years total but jay used to front for years when we were in middle school#im not the. original host I guess but I’ve been around since#we were in the early single digits and never left#so im the host right? I existed to go thru the Trauma#but. it’s been my life for so long. my parents don’t know Her#they’ve only known me#but like. we’re finally starting to let go of that trauma#errr not let go but make peace with it. and we’ve been holding onto it for so long. I’ve been holding on to it for so long#but.. who am I without it? like yes that’s my trauma but also. is my purpose over?? is that why we haven’t been able to draw?#I’ve been the host for 20 years this is my life#my friends my gf my life my hobbies it’s mine not anyone else’s#I let others take the wheel when I can’t (or they forcibly do it for me) and jays been gone for like 3 years he only came back because I’ve#been being traumatized everyday recently. but like. will I have to go too??#reintergration is not really our goal. never has been but like#if we do. will I be here or will She come back? we’ve had false alarms before but it’s mostly been decided that it’s my front my life#maybe im just triggered all the time and that’s why I feel extra out of it#less myself#New Traumas are happening to us everyday#but yeah. I dont talk abt this aspect of my life much but it’s so scary to think about#I’ll talk to Chevy when they get off of work tomorrow abt it if it’s still like. freaking me out#I am me. we are a bunch of niggas but I am me.#did niggas when the identity disorder makes them dissociate smh#😫
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i hate that this website has location based ads now like it's one thing to promote the local grocery store chain to me but i am seeing ads for my workplace now :/
#stop it......#i don't want to go back but this is the last sick day i can reasonably take#i probably should've gone back today but i told them when i was still feeling worse that i wasn't coming in.......#ohhhh i dread going in tomorrow so much. i don't even dislike this job i just hate being somewhere everyday#each day feeling its meaninglessness...... my meaninglessness in the space.......... the repetition and redundancy#selling people who don't need to be there things that they don't need#standing all day long just fucking bored#hoping that enough has happened since i've been gone that people can fill me in#ugggh because it's soooo boring but stressful to have to generate conversation with the same people every day#when nothing new ever happens#and i get sick of everybody even the people that i like and i don't really think anybody likes me that much either#i guess i felt this when i worked there part time but because i only had to be there part time it wasn't this constant gnawing feeling#and they didn't have me in the shop all the time....... this schedule is fucking killing me#i walk there i stand all day and i walk home#that's one of the reasons i haven't come back in yet - i was so dizzy and nauseous that the idea of standing all day was like.#i obviously can't fucking do that even if i would otherwise feel well enough to come in#if i had a sitting job then it wouldn't matter if i was a little dizzy#but getting back and forth to work and then standing for 8 hours. even when i'm feeling well it's kind of a lot#idk i guess i'm pretty unhappy with this job and where i am in life etc but i can't quit rn because what else would i do#there's literally job of this type that is going to pay as well and have good benefits#and i'm not qualified yet for the type of work i hope to do in the future#so i just gotta wait it out but it feels like. endless.#sigh anyway i'm just lazy lol#all this is to say. stop putting ads for my workplace on my dash lol i don't need to see all that
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yeah I'm not gonna talk abt it am I...
#well thats okay. eventually itll come up naturally. and if not well. it doesnt make me feel very okay. but its not a big deal#and i guess ill meet ppl in the future who will curate a different idea of me and maybe therell be fewer misunderstandings#<- coward who CAN communicate to save their life but not in any lower stakes situation for their happiness n quality of life#we <3 repression n insecurity. maybe if i keep digging at the corner of this bit of the labyrinth with my spoon ill get out someday 😌#anyway.. theres my daily vague vent post got it out of my system#wanted to do it earlier but ended up not having much time after work n then called friends which was nice :^)#also i never have signal at work these days.. my boss has said shell get me on the staff wifi tho cuz i do need it for work reasons#its rare to need it for work purposes bc we all use work pcs n stuff anyway and not rly supposed to use mobiles in the lab#but yeahh.. god i have so much admin shit to sort out also gotta text family back before i sleep i forgot to earlier#its all good.. also my memory foam pillows turned up so i no longer have to steal my roomies extra one for my neck pain <3#ik she was missing it... not to sound like a creep but it was nice that it smelled like her a little. just familiar innit#we're always around each other so its just what being home smells like to me.. listen i have a sensitive nose 😔✋️#if we were a lot closer i would ask if i could sleep in her bed while shes away but we're not so it would come across sooo weird..#and i would feel rly weird abt someone sleeping in my own room without me there. well maybe not actually. as long as they werent snooping#<- guy whose mother used to go thru their shit all the time n struggles to not feel paranoid and distrustful when it comes to privacy#was thinking recently my ideal living situation w a partner would be separate rooms but we still share the bed sometimes#but not every night bc im a sensitive sleeper... but we can switch bedding so i can still smell them if i wake up in the night alone#like how new mothers trying to get babies used to cot sleeping each have a cloth or blanket and swap every night#so the baby is comforted by the blankets smell and sleeps more peacefully.. and momma finds it easier being apart from the baby too#sorry this is getting gooey and weird my meds have been wearing off the last couple hours im so sleeppyyyy 😭#well.... maybe everything can wait until tomorrow..... bed is calling..#goodnight everyone muah#.diaries
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I actually realized i hate work. Won't be putting any effort into this anymore ♡
#sure whatever#it's funny because when i applied there i really really wanted this job#and it had nothing to do with that one person i got a little overly attached to#and when i started working there it was fine but i think really the only reason i liked it was because of that colleague#and now he's gone there's only annoying things left#also maybe i got too cuddled by him because he's always had my back until now#but i have to try to get things from the design team now and they just straight up ignore me lmao#like. my colleague asked me last week if i could ask them to edit some images which i did and they ignored me for 2 days#then HE sent them a follow up message and surprise surprise the images were there within 30 minutes#now again. he asked me to request some images and then built them into the journal#i request them. i hear nothing back. i send a follow up saying it's kinda important. i get nothing#oh well sorry man. guess you'll have to do that yourself after all (:#(i think it's really nice he's trying to give me so much more responsibility and all but if he's not there to back me up#it's literally not working because Everyone Is Ignoring Me :)))#also two weeks from now I'll be alone in our office because my other colleague who's in the same office as us#has announced she's gonna go share the office with someone else because she's gonna be alone otherwise#lol thanks#also some other shit someone posted in the group chat today which really pissed me off#AND the fact i got ignored AGAIN when i asked for work :) like bitches. i literally just watched netflix on my private laptop#while wiggling the mouse on my work laptop until i got off lmao#i won't go to the office tomorrow either#i was gonna go but i can't do shit there if i get ignored again#at least at home i can do whatever i want when they decide i should just get money for wasting my time ♡#i might actually just not work tomorrow#I'll probably log in just to see if there's any updates on the images situation but if not I'll fuck right off#fun times#(also maybe just maybe I'm generally a little negative these days. that may play into it. I'm sensing that sweet summertime blues ♡#((who cares if it's because of my father's death or because of my colleague's going away or because of general existential despair due to#university.... i'm just annoyed) )#void screams
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youtube
Beasties of Greenhollow soundtrack!
Some tracks on this are from older projects like elphame but all of them have been reworked in some way. Most of them are entirely new.
Enjoy!
#soundtrack#music#indiegamedev#Youtube#beasties of greenhollow#indiegame#chiptune#elphame#hey again gang. Another scream into the void#Things have been getting more interesting tbh#I'm starting therapy again. I have learned from this that my anxiety is in the very very high end.#And I guess the only thing that surprises me about that is that it's an abnormally high amount vs the average.#I've had more intrusive thoughts this week than in a long time. (I almost said ever but that was 2021 where they woke me up...)#It's mostly about my mistakes and ppl I've scared out of being in my life because of the actions based on my anxieties.#Like “if i could go back in time I could fix it”... girl you'd be going back in time like 100 times. At that point it's not fair lmao#I think I shouldn't talk about who I'm dating here anymore. Friends told me to stop seeing so many new people and I took that advice.#I'm exercising incredibly frequently; obsessively so. It really doesn't change much in my anxiety. I walk for like 3 hours a day.#My friend group is... difficult. One of us had a falling out with another and the dynamic is just so awkward for me now.#it just seems like everyone else has moved past it though but I still miss him. I don't think this can be reversed#we used to talk on my stream and play digimon cards n jackbox and d&d... But now they're only interested in d&d which I don't love#For god's sake I've published a game and moved to a nice new place. why aren't I happy hahahaha#work is no longer enjoyable since BoG was publised. our new project is in an iffy category but it's not my place to argue#I want to write music and animate but I have to do my hours for this new project before I can do anything like that...#I ended up siding with my current boss in that ethical dilemma I posted about and rn idk if that was the right decision.#Okay what can i talk about that's good? We moved to a nice place. I'm celebrating BoG's release with family tomorrow.#Graeme's playing Iconoclasts- one of my favourite games! He's also returning to work soon so it'll be less awkward to have a lady over#Thinking about good stuff going on just draws the mind to holidays I've had before. I treasure my memories!#Okay so I've complained for a long long time bc life doesn't feel great rn. But rest assured I already know this is 90% my fault hahaha#Oh another good thing that happened!!! My elestrals card was printed and ppl are really happy with it. I have a card in a real card game!!!#don't tell anyone but there's another one on the way. Anyway that will do for now. I'm sorry about my... self.
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oh today is just going to be a problem huh.
#mom texted me to explicitly say that she didnt like that i dont have a job yet (in the middle of finals seasons)#and said she would be embarrassed if i told my parents i was planning on working at a mall/not furthering my career#i applied to office places and shit like that that she would approve of but guess what!#none of them fucking got back to me!#i told her i have an interview today but she didnt care because she doesnt want me to work retail#bitch i dont want to work retail either. what is your problem#then she told me about a cousin she knows who already has a n internship#im at the end of my rope here im not going to lie.#so glad i have a counseling appointment tomorrow
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The rage welled up in my body right now could fell a small city-
#sleeping on my moms couch because guess who took the rest of the parking spots at my place 😁🤪#remember that deal we made that she would never park there???#hehehehehe#all the guest parking spots are taken up#and a nice neighbor let me know they parking enforcement has been booting peoples cars like crazy 😘#love this#love them#totally not gonna lose my fucking mind rn#guess who has to be up for work tomorrow 😚😚😚#I’m going in these pajamas I’m wearing rn idgaf#nia.txt
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you would think considering how much it loves sleeping that my body would, yknow, sleep when i ask it to. or even just when it has barely slept in days and im trying so hard to sleep
#the bin#uugghhhh i woke up at 1pm today bc my stupid idiot body refused to go to sleep at a reasonable time even tho i was alreday so sleep#deprived. i have to work at 6:30 tomorrow morning :/ so i guess i wont be sleeping till then bc i still have to clean stuff and shower#maybe maybe maybe ill get a nap in but idk. bleh. i hope after i get home my stupid body will sleep. its gonna have to bc i work 7 hours the#next day so i cant do that too sleep deprived. i really really hope i dont have to :( hhhh#i wanted so bad to get high last night mosty bc my body has been refusing to sleep this past week but my sister n her boyfriend didnt come#over so i wasnt able to get more edibles :( or boxes for packing. hhh. i need to move so soon! i have no idea what day its even gonna be yet#i badeky have an idea of how much its gonna cost either. they finally gave me a gas cost estimate afeyr ive been asking for 3 weeks#hhh. well. whatever. i only have 4 more shifts. im kinda sad tbh. i really like working here. my coworkers are so nice#tomorrow is probs the last time ill ever see my fav coworker. shes so nice. shes so nice she used he/him for me and calls me orb#i just mentioned the name in passing once after i changed my pronouns on my nametag and she noticed and she remember!#and before she used it for me she stopped and asked if i was comfortable with it or if i wanted to keep it private. i have never EVER met#another cis person who would even think to ask that. most cis people dont understand why you would care. shes like. the nicest person ive#ever ever met. why did i have to find such a great place to work in minnesota? well. even if i am super tired tomorrow morning itll probably#be ok. butbi really would prefer not to be.#i dont know why i havent been able to sleep properly. bleh. i do liek what edibles do to me its a fun time but its kinda annoying that i#cant use them very casually for sleep or pain. they incapacitate me for 14 hours minimum.#well. at least no matter how stressed i am abt everything. i will definitely be elsewhere in 18 days max. should be less than that.#i will miss this job and these coworkers but i am relived that i wont have to go to work for awhile. esp with this tooth pain.#and im so excited to be able to draw again! im glad im moving a month before artfight bc itll give me time to get shit prepped#i wanted so bad to participate last year but i wasnt able to come evn close to finishing any attacks bc i was too tired from working
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you know how you help your old mother with one thing and she keeps nagging at you about the dumbest shit the whole week...
you don't and it's just me? welp..
#moo i say#guess who is coughing again and has teeth pain and still manages to complain about me being a living being#living in this house#why did you give birth to me you stupid woman#I'm sick but I will go to work tomorrow because I can't stand being around her
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#i do not want to work tomorrow i want to lay in bed and be sad#i’m really realizing how miserable of a person i am i am always fucking Sad and when i do feel happy i cry when it’s over#and i can’t even resemble a human being without medication and i know that’s fine but i’m still always sad. it doesn’t go away#i feel like nobody deserves to have me weighing them down like i’ve cried in front of people three times this week and i know it’s fine#but i feel so fucking guilty about it and i feel guilty about everything i feel like i’m doing nothing right and i’m not dealing with thing#right and i’m not living right and i feel like it must be so fucking difficult to love me and i don’t know how people do it#i don’t even feel capable of asking for. any sort of love ever#i feel like i don’t deserve like anything. i feel like nobody actually wants to do things for me lol#every single dsy i’m like wow i want to be held and every single dsy i feel bad even asking for a hug from someone#when i need reassurance i’m afraid to ask because what if i’m just being annoying and overbearing and too much Bad#i never feel like too much good. only bad.#i know a lot of these shitty thoughts are just because i’ve been unmedicated (meds will be ready tomorrow lol) but it just like#it sucks to know medication just kinda hides these thoughts better and that deep down i feel like this because i don’t want to#i feel like everyone in my life doesn’t deserve someone who doubts everything all the time#i think my mother deserved a stronger daughter and i think my friends deserve someone that’s not always breaking and i just don’t feel Good#i don’t know why anyone keeps me around#sometimes i feel selfish for sticking around and that sounds so awful and i’m not gonna act on it but i just feel like a waste of a person#the last week has been so good and now i’m just a fucking mess and i feel so fucking guilty about that :)#i feel like no matter what i always just default to miserable#i don’t feel like i’m doing enough at all#i’m struggling in school i don’t work enough i can barely take care of myself#like i wouldn’t even properly take care of myself if taylor wasn’t helping me i feel so guilty about that all the time#i feel so guilty for even thinking any of this right now and i’m trying to remind myself that i’m unmedicated and i’ve had a long day#and my best fucking friend just went back home and i’m allowed to be sad about that but i just. feel like i’m making excuses i guess#it’s not immoral to be sad but maybe when i’m wanting to die all the time i’m the problem. idk#anyway i’m gonna go to sleep and i’m gonna try to convince myself tomorrow will be better#sndnsksjkakejdkalwosjhdkwosjdjsk. i will be fine
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Ended up trying to be productive by researching info for my o&g assignment instead of rewatching that Austria race and it ends up making me more stressed out. So my group's topic is molar pregnancy and I'm in charge for complications and health education part and the lack of proper and recent research is astonishing
#most of it are all stuff and academic writing usually want new stuff and its fucking annoying#if we only do presentation i wont mind using stuff from blogs that much but since its written assignment too i need proper reference#i know that women's health are overlooked and not much resources are put into it but its fucking crazy#i never had this problem these past years when i need to research stuff like necrotizing fasciitis or whatever#hell even benign prostatic hyperplasia has a shit ton of recent study#I MEANT OLD STUFF sorry my brain stops working#guess who need to go to the library tomorrow to look for books instead of sleeping UGH#personal.txt
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Officially (but unofficially because my boss wasn't supposed to tell me yet) I'm getting moved to the boss I don't like!!! My current boss likes her and I had to be like "yeah so my concern here is that I have repeatedly see her through her teammates under the bus and undermine her direct reports and she's a terrible listener so."
But my manager did flag what I had said about my lack of interest in this role so now the VP is going to have a one on one to discuss the change with me 😅🙈🤣
#Like bro I'm not going to tell you about my personal issues with this manager#Who is lovely one on one but repeatedly shitty af to her team#But you sure as shit better assure me that we will be fully empowered to say no#Because this team has been told they can say no for two years#And I've seen their no get overridden virtually every time so like#You fucking tell me#Anyways I think I'm going to hate it and that I'm being out here because these same people#Misconstrued things I said#But I guess we shall see#Maybe I'll have more than one direct report#Maybe it won't be terrible#It's just not going to be the stuff that I've found super interesting#And it won't be with the boss I love#And this will be the third time I've been forced to change managers and bodies of work#Since July 2022#So.#(the second manager swap was thrilling. We celebrated in the hall we were so excited lol)#Carolyn has a job#I think my raise request is going to go through#And I'm kicking off my doughnut activity tomorrow#So I should be ASLEEP
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i am genuinely having the worst day i've had in a very long time!!!
#on top of all the shit i have already complained about today: i was supposed to have an appointment with my doctor today#to refill my adhd meds and she never showed up and i have TWO (2) pills left before i have to resort to the meds that barely worked#i found someone on zoc doc who has an appointment for tomorrow afternoon but last time i tried to book thru zoc doc there were issues#so idk!!! i'm probably not going to get an appointment until next week. so that's fucking great!!!#i literally scheduled time off next week with the intention of focusing on my writing but fuck me i guess!!!#at least i have time off so i don't have to be a worthless piece of shit at work!!!!#i'm trying so hard not to have a full on sobbing breakdown at work lmao#m.txt
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why did my dad have to have his retirement party on a day i could have been going wonking instead. does he hate women or something goddamn
#can’t go after the party this man’s work is 40 minutes away and idk how long this stupid party will go on#and then our normal movie theater is 30 minutes from home in the other direction#and i refuse to go to a new theater i’m not spontaneous like that#the drive to the theater is normal on a regular day but the timing just sucks today#and tomorrow won’t work because my sister has stuff to do#and friday i have work. and saturday i have work. and sunday we have church and my aunts house#and then monday through wednesday we’re in pennsylvania#and then there’s new years to worry about#i do NOT want to spend new years with my dad and his sisters so i haven’t requested off work for the 30th in hopes i can use that as an#excuse to stay home. and if i stay home so might my sister#and THEN. maybe we can get wonking#unless my dad tries to be like oh but we can go on the 31st to go meet them! and then i won’t have a choice#unless i threaten to kill myself. but i won’t do that that would be crazy#but i don’t want to go to that. none of my cousins will be there my sister and i would be the only ones there who aren’t in their 60s#like. nothing wrong with hanging with the old ladies but why can’t my dad hang out with his sisters and their husbands alone.#why would you even want your two random daughters in their 20s there. weirdo#i know he’s just upset that my mom won’t go but like he knew the whole time she was gonna spend new years with HER sister. like get over it#hoping to get my sister on my side soon so we can unionize to not go. i know she already didnt want to but i need her to not change her mind#she has a tendency to feel bad for our dad when he wants us to do annoying shit. it’s her oldest daughter syndrome i guess. 🙄
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OH MY GOD I'M FINALLY HOME I CAN FINALLY DECOMPRESS
#guess who has been doing things for other people nonstop since he got home from work#i have a headache 😫 did get an animation idea though i want to start tomorrow#I DIDNT EVEN ENJOY MY SHOWER i had to rush so i could go around town
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Last Seen Blogs
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OH SNAP!