#if we only do presentation i wont mind using stuff from blogs that much but since its written assignment too i need proper reference

[collecting--stardust]

Ended up trying to be productive by researching info for my o&g assignment instead of rewatching that Austria race and it ends up making me more stressed out. So my group's topic is molar pregnancy and I'm in charge for complications and health education part and the lack of proper and recent research is astonishing

[pupa-cinema]

Happy Go Lucky Heads – 金太の大冒険(The Adventures of Kinta) - Lyrics English Translation

Each of the final lyrics of each verse holds a double entendre, so I'll include those in parentheses under! Kintama means balls, while 金太Kinta is a common male name. Put any appropriate word that begins with ma after Kinta and voila, you have something that rings inappropriate!

ある日金太が歩いていると Once upon a time, Kinta was walking along when he bumped into 美しいお姫様が逃げてきた A beautiful princess who was running away 悪い人に　ネエ　今おわれているの I’m being chased, oh my, by some bad guys お願い　金太　守って Please, Kinta, protect me 金太　守って　金太　守って Kinta, protect me, Kinta, protect me 金太　守って Kinta, protect me

（金太　守って = 金玉持って: Hold his balls in your hand）

しかし金太はけんかが弱く However, Kinta was a weak fighter 友達とやっても　負けてしまう Even when he fought with friends he would lose 腕力に自信のない金太君 Oh poor Kinta-kun with no confidence in his strength けんかはいつも　負けが多い He is always losing fights 金太　負けが多い　金太　負けが多い Kinta is always losing fights, Kinta is always losing fights 金太　負けが多い Kinta is always losing fights

（金太　負けが多い = 金玉毛が多い : Balls with lots of hair）

やがて悪人がやってきた But still the bad guys came along 身の丈2メートルもある大男 A giant with a body 2 meters tall 金太と悪人の大決戦 An epic brawl between Kinta and the bad guy 金太　負けるなとお姫様 Kinta, don’t you lose, the princess cried out 金太　負けるな　金太　負けるな Kinta, don’t you lose, Kinta, don’t you lose 金太　負けるな Kinta, don’t you lose

（金太　負けるな = 金玉蹴るな : Don’t kick his balls）

悪人は金太におそいかかる The bad guy pounced at Kinta 金太は思わず　とびのいた Without second thought Kinta leaped away アー　そこにあったのは大きな木 Ahh, there lied a big tree そのまわりを金太はグルグルまわりだす Kinta spun and spun around it 金太　回った　金太　回った Kinta spun, Kinta spun 金太　回った Kinta spun

（金太　回った = 金玉割った : Slice his balls）

悪人はいつか目をまわし Before long the bad guy's eyes became dizzy そのすきにお姫様と逃げだした He used that chance to dash away with the princess お姫様の美しさに金太君 Before the beauty of the princess, Kinta-kun’s- 目をパチパチまたたいた Eyes were dazzling and twinkling 金太　またたいた　金太　またたいた Kinta was dazzled, Kinta was dazzled 金太　またたいた Kinta was dazzled

（金太　またたいた = 金玉叩いた : Punch his balls）

しばらくゆくと二人は After a while the two realized おなかのすいたのに気がついた That they were starving フト見るとマスカットの木がはえている They caught a glimpse of a muscat tree 金太はナイフで切ったとさ So Kinta sliced them up with a knife 金太　マスカット　ナイフで切る Kinta sliced up the muscats with his knife 金太　マスカット　ナイフで切る Kinta sliced up the muscats with his knife 金太　マスカット　ナイフで切る Kinta sliced up muscats with a knife

（金太　マスカット　ナイフで切る  =  金玉 スカッとナイフで切る: Slice and dice the balls

おなかのふくれた二人は With the two of their stomachs stuffed さらに安全なマカオに行くことにした They decided to go to the even more safe city of Macau 行けども行けども　マカオは見えず They walked on and on, but still Macau wasn't in sight お姫様はイライラして　金太に聞いた The princess grew impatient, and asked Kinta ネエー金太　まだ　ネエー金太　まだ Oh Kintaaa, are we there yet, Kinta are we there yet 金太　まだ Kinta, are we there yet

（金太　まだ = 金玉だ: It's balls）

そうしているうちにも二人は Onward and onward the two went やっとのことでマカオに着いた Until they finally arrived in Macau 金太とお姫様はマカオに着いた Kinta and the princess arrived at Macau やっとのことでマカオに着いた They finally arrived at Macau 金太　マカオに着く　金太　マカオに着く Kinta arrives at Macau, Kinta arrives at Macau 金太　マカオに着く Kinta arrives at Macau

（金太　マカオに着く＝金玉顔に付く: Balls on your face）

マカオに着いた金太君 Now that Kinta-kun has arrived in Macau 知り合いのビルをたずねたとさ He asked around for information on his acquaintance's residence お姫様はそのビルを見て言ったとさ The princess saw his residence and said まあ金太わりとましなビルね Oh my, Kinta, it’s such an upstanding building まあ　金太　ましなビル　金太　ましなビル Oh my, Kinta, it’s such an upstanding building 金太　ましなビル Kinta, it’s such an upstanding building

（金太　ましなビル = 金玉萎びる: Balls shriveled up）

中にはいると誰もいない Upon their entry they found no one 伝言板にただひとこと書いてある Only a message written on a board 神田さんから金太君へのことづけで From Kanda-san to Kinta-kun 「金太　待つ　神田」と書いてある It read “Kinta, I’m waiting for you, Kanda” 金太　待つ　神田　金太　待つ　神田 Kinta, I’m waiting for you, Kanda 金太　待つ　神田 Kinta, I’m waiting for you, Kanda

（金太　待つ　神田＝金玉掴んだ Grab his balls）

御存じ　金太の大冒険 So the story goes, the adventures of Kinta これから先はどうなるか What ever could be lying in store for him ahead またの機会をごひいきに We’ll save that for next time それでは皆さんさようなら For now it’s goodbye everyone

Footnotes: ●  This is actually a cover of Tsuboinorio(つボイノリオ)'s song! Long since called "A representative song of Japan" and "A comic song", it was released in 1975. A bold debut, as that same year was when it made waves with its catchy tune and cursed wordplay! So much so it was banned from radio stations.. And history has now repeated itself 50 years later: not only are fans afraid to play it on the radio, Omedetai themselves even appear to be struggling. Their posts read "Now that our song has been released, our record company has been doing their best to promote us yet, for some reason no media outlets have been willing to hear our say... If you're with the media, please contact us at kintama.sukomi@gmail.com." One day later... "We're still searching for any media outlets that would be willing to do a segment on our song, yet not one has even inquired us ><."

This email address looks.... I wonder what would happen if one were to send something...

●  The music video was directed by Fujii Ryou! Who on twitter said "This is a cover of that famous song. In this time and age. Of all things. I stirred up a horrible video." Then posted a picture of a phallic rocket ship with the caption "The creation process of my worst creation. To lessen the load on myself and the work required for the cool spaceship Kinta takes on his adventures, I had erected this stiff model from pure scratch. Bending toilet paper and ping pong balls to my will.” He even made a pun himself... 大金を投じて normally means to pour a lot of money into something, 大金 literally meaning ‘big gold’ but.. kintama in JP is also literally ‘gold orbs’...

●  https://twitter.com/omedeta_japan/status/1340960220063780864 As any word starting with "Ma", if followed after "Kinta", is wont to be heard as "Kintama", Omedetai have not let opportunities pass them by. They each made playlists dubbed "Kinta-my-list(Kintamairisuto)" (Mylist is the wasei-eigo word for playlist).

Sekihan's included Mariah Carey's famous Christmas song, among other western songs by artists who start with Ma. Each song with a sexual theme. 324's all western as well, but his themes are more emo, suiting his taste. Mito-juu and Mao's have a mix of J-pop and western, yet all songs are sure to have a title or artist who starts with Ma. While Poniki only has Aoi Usagihttps://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aoi_Usagi. As it's the theme song for 'Kinka of the stars'... Fans are invited to make a playlist of their own, and a chosen winner will win the title of "KintaMeistar"! A pun on the word ‘meistar’.

●  https://twitter.com/omedeta_japan/status/1340513940644610048 The members seen recording backup vocals. Shouting 'Kintama' for the sake of emboldening the brazen.

●  KintaMarathon In promotion of the song they hosted a campaign asking for people to listen to the song for a cumulative 42.195 hours, the same number of miles there is in a marathon. Screenshot and send in your playtime for a chance to win a signed Adventures of Kinta record.

●  https://lineblog.me/omedeta/archives/9435022.html Mito-juu blog post. "We took to this challenge with utmost solemnity. Before the song you see today took form, we had taken the song apart and put it back together countless times until we got it right. The recording phase was nothing to scoff at either. A single concept album. A story told on a single stage. It was truly a challenge to stuff it all into one single song. I think I drummed more than just one or two songs worth for this.

For the music video we managed to scout out the like-minded fellow named Fujii Ryuu. When he presented the drafts, then the blueprints, then the final piece to us... Each time I went "This is it!" as I was practically making a victory pose in my head. It's thanks to Fujii Ryuu that we were able to create something so amazing. I say that with confidence.

I hope those who listen to this song will smile and laugh. I hope those who watch this MV will smile and laugh. I hope it serves as something of a release from stress.

I'm going on a bit now but I do hope it may serve as a fortunate encounter for you. If so, then it was more than worth making.

I hope you can get a good laugh out of it, that would make me more than happy.

[zamilemzizi]

A trip down lockdown memory lane!

A trip down memory lane

As my business steadily builds itself back up, with a new face and some Covid-influenced changes, I look back at what it was like for a few months last year as just the “Mom.” The South African lockdown, one of the strictest in the world at that time, forced most of us Marketing and PR SME owners to close our doors and focus on creating a safe and “new normal” environment for ourselves and our families.

My parents both contracted the Corona Virus and so, it was left up to me to care for ALL five grandchildren for a few months. Including my own children, I had two five-year-olds’ (one boy; Wandi and one girl; Koli), one nine-year-old girl (Thotse), a twelve-year-old girl (Lungi) and the legend himself, my two-year-old son (Bugsy) whom you will have read a lot about on my personal Facebook page. As if that was not enough, we rescued an eight-week-old puppy (Luna) too!

Being a person known for preferring the company of all the Mzizi grandchildren, I was up for the challenge of this time spent being reacquainted with the daily struggle of just-being-the-mom-with-no-work without the pressure of having to go to work.

I acknowledge that my experience of this time is grossly different to that of a majority of my fellow countrymen/women, who struggled to make ends meet. Zam’s Hive started a fund, which generously received funds donated by almost ALL of my clients, close friends and colleagues from my place of work. We used these funds to assist families who wrote in via WhatsApp and SMS stating what their urgent needs were and paired them with the correct donor. I was astounded at how the people I knew were able to look beyond their own experience of the Lockdown, and were able to give the little (or lot) that they had to keep hope alive.

However, being the stay-at-home mom yielded quite a few hilarious experiences, which naturally, I shared on social media as they happened. Here are some of these posts. I hope they make you chuckle a bit at my expense. I hope they remind you that no matter how bleak the situation, our inner circle, our families, our children, the people that matter most to us are the ones we should keep our focus on.

How the wars began…

Wandi’s benevolent fart

Raising boys is a BREEZE!

My Wandi has reached that age where every hug and cuddle is a conscious decision on his part to be with me. It says, ' I choose to be near YOU. I choose you, mommy'

So imagine my joy as I was working in my office and my big boy chose that moment to sit on my lap...

He sat facing me, flashed his special smile and said' 'Mommy, let me show you how much I love you'

He put his hands on my shoulders and closed his beautiful brown eyes. I could see him mentally reaching deep within himself in order to share what he had to say. Then...

I felt it. A persistent drill-like hammering on my sturdy thigh where his bony bum was perched.

The stench was instant and the fog it created in my mind was confusion personified. I could not immediately compute that my baby came all this way just to fart on me. As realization dawned on me, my little angel held onto me just a little bit tighter to keep me in place as the hammer-drill was still operating. My thin leggings were no barrier from the barrage of bodily functions battering my poor skin.

During this assault, Wandi did not change his facial expression at all. He looked like a little Buddha bestowing a blessing upon a lesser mortal.

When he was done, he nimbly sprang off my leg and bestowed a beguiling cherubic smile upon me. Slowly reversing from the room with his cheesy smile and eyes closed, he blessed me with his benevolent ' enjoy the smell mommy' and quietly closed the door.

Bugsy drinks shit water

I'm on my knees begging for this changeling to be taken. Return Bugsy pre-terrible twos to me please!

I went into the toilet for a teensy while. I'd been holding it in for some time chasing my kids around. To my knowledge, fake Bugsy was safely chilling on my bed.

As my empty bladder and I float out the bathroom, changeling proudly displays a cup of water he is drinking...now this is a problem because all taps and cups are beyond his reach. This cup looks like the dirty one I ignored on the floor a teensy while back- are you judging me Karen?!

I frantically urge fake son to show me if he got water from the other toilet. He proudly replies, ' I no drink here Wandi peepee here' This is good. It's great actually. Wandi has diarrhea and drinking from his toilet could kill someone. Never mind Corona.

So I drag the smirking not-really-my-son into the kitchen to wash this mysterious cup. At this stage I'm fuming at the lord thinking 'turn this crap into wine NOW'

As I wash the still alcohol free cup, I turn to find swopped-at-birth guy smacking his lips and drinking from the bucket mqobothi style.

MY HEART SKIPS A BEAT!

I used water and Jik to clean dog poop just now. I spilled the water but clearly not all of it. What's worse here? Jik poisoning or dog poop poisoning?

The terror child is ok. I gave him milk and surrendered the rest to his creator.

I'm ok. I have a new twitch in my eye and I think I might have peed my pants a little. But otherwise baaah I'm good.

No really.

Just fine.

Look- fake son took the tin of milk and smeared the stuff on himself.

I'm just FINE!

Then the tensions were rising

The stand off

In a bid to demonstrate his defiance of my authority, my two year old has taken the long life milk and some shopping bags to an undesirable corner of the house. He has boldly announced that, 'I puttinnnin me in noty cona' This is his strategy to deprive my authority of putting him in a corner myself. The standoff continues...

Sulking in the shower

I swear I don't make this stuff up...

Wandi just played with matches and his cousins came to tell on him. Naturally I gave him 'the look' times 10. He says to me,

'I know you're cross with me and wont talk to me.'

He stalks off to the shower and sits there while singing his new and spontaneously composed struggle song. The words weren't too clear but this is what I heard:

Take me away in peace, take me away in peace.

 Please note he has taken to eating some of his meals in this shower.

Can someone please send me a bottle of gin??!      Its for the kids.

 The breaking point

Exacting revenge in small ways

My kids broke my hair clippers machine while I was cutting them. So now I'm leaving them with unfinished cuts because one needs to take revenge wherever the opportunity may present itself-even if it's your own kids. They think they know me. Mxim!

 Mom flu strike

I've been in bed with flu for a week now. During this my kids haven't given me an inch of space and rest.

I'm still a horse, jungle gym, chef, personal snot cleaner and unwilling audience to dance shows and song decompositions.

Tonight was just the worst! I went to the chemist for more meds and so needed a nap from the trip. Only to realize that I'd over slept and it was supper time.

After a mad dash to cook, serve and feed the royal highnesses, I'd had enough.

Where am I now? What am I doing now? These are all relevant questions I'm happy to answer for you.

I'm in my bedroom. For the first time since I became a mother, I have done the only sensible thing a tired parent can do...

I'VE LOCKED MY BEDROOM DOOR BIYAAACHES!

The situation update is as follows:

Hostile!

1.  Two year old has attempted breaking door down

I DON'T CARE!

2. Five year old has resorted to creepy body plastering against door and quietly chanting 'mooommyyyy can we have ice cream while you die?'

I  DON'T   CARE

3. In a rare show of solidarity the boys are now howling like wolves outside the door, throwing in the odd 'moooommmy where are youuuu'

I    D O N T   C A R E!

4. Nine year old niece has increased the volume and frequency of her coughing

IIIIIIIII DOOOOOOOONT CAAAAAAARE!

I'm at peace in my warm bed. Let the siege continue I have all that I need in here. A bathroom, all the toilet paper in the house, the only phone with airtime and did I mention -I'm the only person tall enough to cook. Muhahuahua!

They will know me!

 The resolution?

Wandi prays for peace

So as usual the kids were acting up and driving me crazy before bedtime. This time however, the transgressions were extreme.

Someone didn't pee INSIDE the toilet but decided to mark his territory next to it instead.

Another decided to generously leave food on a dinner plate and put it in the kitchen sink for Santa maybe.

Another was dejectedly roaming the passage without pajama bottoms like a homeless person. Left to wander the night in shame and bottomlessness.

This was the last straw and I blew my top off.

EVERYONE TO BED WITHOUT A STORY NOW!

Even the little one understood that Armageddon was nigh, and scurried into bed as fast as his fat stubby legs could carry him (only half way up the bed usually).

In an unusually respectful and hesitant tone, Wandi bravely reminded me that I forgot to pray. So fine! I asked God to please help me make my children good etc.

Wandi again bravely offered to pray too and this is where he played his master plan into action (he never wants to pray):

Wandi: Dear God, please make all my dreams come true. The end.

 Yes. He said the end and not AMEN. I felt a reluctant smile coming on but I was wise to the enemy.

The next morning the kids all came to greet me in that way guilty kids do hoping for a cease-fire.

'Good morning rakhali' etc.

Then the master played his Ace move.

Wandi: In the name of Jesus, good morning everyone!

 How could I remain grumpy after my son evoked the name of Jesus?!

He's goooooood. One point to Wandi. None to me.

 Please subscribe to my blog and follow me on social media for more insights into; what goes on in the life of a working mom building an empire. All the links are below. My women’s network as well as my courses are also available on this site.

[trek-tracks]

Hello i love your blog soo much!! I just finished to read your fics recommendations. And everyone of it were so good and well written i can't even start describing it!!?? I almost had a heart attack half way through them 💛 I wanna ask you if you can give us more suggestions. You 👏have 👏such 👏a 👏good 👏taste.

All right. So. Sorry to leave this unanswered for like three weeks, but I had many thoughts to think on it! Thank you so much for your kind words about my blog; they mean a lot. So much, that I’ll destroy any pretense on Tumblr that I don’t read fan fiction, just for you. See what I do for you? :)

If anyone reads my blog at all, I think I’m pretty clearly biased toward Bones (“What?! No way!” says everyone, extremely sarcastically), so all these fics are Bones-centric. Sorry, that’s just what you’re going to get with me, but if you like my blog, chances are you have a soft spot for Bones as well.

I think you have already seen my post where I recommended, along with Equilibrium (#1 and still champion) and everything else PSW has written for TOS, some other gen TOS fics with Triumvirate feels, but here they are again for everyone else:

Hope, Logic and Other Wastes of Time by pantswarrior (the return of Xenopolycythemia, with fantastic characterization)

Watching the Watcher by stillwaters01 (and everything else by her as well): Great for Bones and Chapel, very medically detailed, hugely introspective.

Mudd in Your Eye and The Vestorian Quandary by Avirra (who also has some excellent series work; these have really interesting plots and Bones badassery)

Now, here are some more recommendations. This is by no means a comprehensive list of everything, only my thoughts at the current moment. One writer I was going to recommend deleted everything from AO3, alas. I might add on to it later, as I am absolutely sure I’ve forgotten things. To try to narrow this down, I’m going to try to steer clear of complete AUs. Mostly.

As is my wont, I am also largely going to recommend non-explicit or only briefly-explicit stuff, as I try to keep this blog on the PG side. I can’t remember all the details about everything, so check the tags before you decide to read, and make the decision that’s best for you.

Gen TOS recommendations:

Through a Mirror Darkly by GenuineSnoof is new; it’s a TOS/AOS crossover with Prime Spock and Bones (both Boneses, in different times) dealing with the Mirror, Mirror mind meld.

Other Gen stuff dealing with the Mirror, Mirror mind meld includes

Memories From A Past Not My Own by PSW 

Of Mirrors by EmRose92 

Bad Luck and Broken Soul by @apathetic-revenant

The Wicked and Divine by Danzinora Switch (also try by this writer: Peace and Long Life, where Spock and McCoy accidentally transport themselves to Vulcan’s far past; Silence is Key, McCoy vs. Romulans; and Project Memory, one of few worthwhile codas to Spock’s Brain)

ThatSassyCaptain writes some good stuff. Weight is a nice shortish character study off some canon episodes. The Dog Days Are Most Certainly Not Over features McCoy and giant doglike creatures. It’s very silly, and very enjoyable. Also, its sequel just happened to update yesterday for the first time in something like a year.

I remember KCS being a good writer. Try Watching the Watchman, but look around at other stuff, too. 

Incubation by Swiss Army Knife: Bones comes back from City on the Edge of Forever with smallpox and has to find a cure before he and everyone on the ship dies. Kirk is a jerk (okay, he’s still traumatized over Edith, but still). Spock is awesome. #ProtectHim 

icarus_chained writes some great short character studies.

There are some very long works by Mary R. and Lynn S., which are older pieces but luckily online; try Unspoken Truths, which deals with The Enterprise Incident, and Betrayed (So. Much. Angst. So much. This one is really well-written, but also a really hard read.)

I haven’t read The Dorian Solution in a long time (it’s novel-length, as I remember), but it’s a very interesting premise: McCoy and Kirk accidentally partake in a planet’s ritual that allows one person to take on all the other person’s subsequent injuries. Guess who gets the short end of the stick on this one?)

Imperfections by Amatara: Canon expansion: episode/movie scene additions from The Man Trap to Generations. Fantastic characterizations and UGH MY HEART at that ending.

Gen AOS recommendations:

anonymous - The One Who Is Fire. Bones screws up a First Contact by being emotional. Gets whumped. Much action; much angst. Very Triumvirate. Just on this side of overwrought, but very satisfying and full of the feels.

rustingroses - That Which We Find In Others. Spock and Bones. Earthquake. Trapped. Long talk. Fascinating.

Hollow Earth by beamirang (yes, another xenopolycythemia fic. Whatever. Everyone bands together to find a cure. Many feels.)

Aini_NuFire - Do No Harm: Short adventure with more Bones badassery

Now, various slash-type-things. 

TOS/Both TOS and AOS

@klmeri is the reigning champion of McSpirk fic, is all-around stellar, and has even written a couple of stories based on my overly-detailed prompts: Grave or Gone and In Winter Snow Angels Sacrifice. My favourite, though, is Younger than Stars, which has a great, conspiracy-filled plot, and feels aplenty. But just read starting anywhere, honestly. Read them all.

TheRev - Lovely writing. Spones. Try This Must Be the Place (AOS with Spock Prime/McCoy Prime; you will cry)  or Nothing By Halves (TOS) 

Eddaic - The Wind Here Sings: TOS Spones. Canon-adjacent. Very poetic.

AOS

I’ve already recommended @fireinmywoods’ sneaky, intricately-plotted and swoonworthy Palimpsest and other writing (McKirk), but for comprehensiveness’ sake, here she is as well (she’s also one of my favourite humans on Tumblr). Sometimes explicit.

Mardia - Fortunate Son: AU where Kirk wasn’t on Tarsus IV, but Bones was, as a 19-year-old doctor under the supervision of Dr. Philomena Boyce. The writing on this one is phenomenal, and the use of interwoven flashbacks with the present is stunning. Even explains why Kirk and McCoy’s eye colours switch in AOS. This is a must-read. One sex scene; can be skipped. McKirk.

laughter_now writes some great stuff. Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder is also a must-read. So much suspense, featuring Bones being a righteous self-sacrificing badass and awesome doctor. For sheer h/c angst and suspense with a happy ending and a description of drowning that literally made my lungs hurt in sympathy, go for Hold on Tight, I’ll Hold My Breath. McKirk.

Zauzat’s Honourable Enemies is also a must; it has one of the most satisfyingly-crafted plot resolutions I’ve seen in fic. Everything from the beginning pays off at the end. Everything. It’s pretty much movie-ready, except it’s Spones, and I think Beyond is about the Sponesiest they’d ever be willing to go. https://archiveofourown.org/works/225404/chapters/341313

PrairieDawn’s A Matter of Trust strung me out for the past 24 agonizing weeks, but just finished; lucky you. Spones AU with Kirk and McCoy on a medical ship captained by Pike. Joanna was injured in the Vengeance incident and has telepathy issues. Spock is a healer. Makes good use of the Operation: Annihilate! premise. Crisp, evocative, compelling writing. 

JoulesMer does a bunch of effective McKirk stuff with Pike and Boyce. Try The Red Wheelbarrow, Xenopolycythemia, or S.O.S. Great for angst and feels and happiness, romance and self-sacrificing idiots. Some stuff is rather explicit.

Gammadolphin is another very entertaining writer who does a lot of McKirk/McSpirk and AUs. It’s all pretty worthwhile, even the incomplete ones. Try A Wish in the Dark for a Bulletproof Heart (similar premise to The Dorian Solution, actually). Also has a range of stuff from non-explicit to explicit.

The Time and Space Are Not Conditions By Which We Live Series by ijen: McSpirky mission moments.

…okay, I’m going to cut it here for my own sanity. Aren’t you sorry you asked?

[somnilogical]

they will never be as strong or as fast as i can be

copy/pasted from a convo:

<<somni: ive been exploiting being able to talk about everything vs miri/cfar cant do what i do bc if they did they would talk about how they are evil. it would all chain back.

somni: omg i can just post this to my blog because i can talk about my meta-strategy and it confers pretty much no relative advantage to miri/cfar. because 1 most of them have disassembled their agency so its like talking in front someone who works at the dmv about taking over the world and the ones that have any agency (basically just anna salamon) have to work with and coordinate via brokenness the masses that have and 2 feels secure in the way that saying ill use my soul as my weapon feels secure, like the power of this technique doesnt depend much on people not knowing im using it.>>

truth is entangled and lies contagious. justice is entangled and injustice contagious. in order to sustain their facade, miri/cfar had to chain back to lie about the principles of decision theory itself. lie about the organization structure of cfar, lie about miri's fundraiser. and so much more.

any series of reasoned claims they make will chain back to stuff thats false or injustice, because they seek to maintain a region of untruth and injustice.

so yeah, miri/cfar basically cant talk in public except in staid formalities infinitely pouring the same entropy of "these people are psychotic" "these people are infohazards" "do not read what they write" "stay the course" "everything is under control, do not panic" "i know my associates at miri/cfar, they are good people" "if you talk with these people you may become a rapist". but not actually able to manifest dynamic compute. to explain themselves they built their own personal room 101, filled with miri/cfar affiliates and formed a united front of gaslighting. deluks (author of that one rationalist blog where they worked to read and summarize all the others) talks about the kind of compute miri/cfar manifested:

<<deluks: I also updated a lot based on Bay Area safety discussion

idk if I have ever been in such a hostile environment for anyone trying to discuss making thigns safer

If you wanted to discuss how Anna et all were innocent people would happily chat with you

If you tried to discuss ideas for making things safer either you got silence

or people would be insanely hostle if you plausibly slipped up at all

or even seemed like you might have been not careful enough in how you phrased things

extremely careful -> no engagement at all//even slightly less care -> get dogpilled>>

they have picked up the optimization style of of cops, as alice maz described them:

<<the role of the cop is to defend society against the members of society. police officers are trivially cops. firefighters and paramedics, despite similar aesthetic trappings, are emphatically not. bureaucrats and prosecutors are cops, as are the worst judges, though the best are not. schoolteachers and therapists are almost always cops; this is a great crime, as they present themselves to the young and the vulnerable as their friends, only to turn on them should they violate one of their profession's many taboos. soldiers and parents need not be cops, but the former may be used as such, and the latter seem frighteningly eager to enlist. the cop is the enemy of passion and the enemy of freedom, never forget this>>

i can travel lots of places and regenerate truth and justice.

i can go to a trans support group in the bay and show them logs of what elle said and did and they can recognize the pattern of minority oppression, transmisogyny.

i can talk with uninvolved decision-theorists about why paying out to oneshot blackmail with subjunctive dependence because "In game theory, paying out to blackmail is bad, because it creates an incentive for more future blackmail." is wrong. and why exploiting your subjunctive dependence as a udt agent to not pay out is right. they cant.

--

miri/cfar have to centrally coordinate on lies or they start crashing into each other. independently generating falsehoods in isolation makes them point in all directions.

independently generating and working off of truths allows everything to point in the same direction without needing to communicate. i can write this post and then idk maybe someone im algorithmically colluding with on this writes another post and they dont come out all distorted and skew with each other. this caches out in what looks from the outside as an uncanny ability to start dynamically colluding with people and output distinct strains of philosophy based on shared precepts.

interference with yourself looks like kelsey piper trying to claim that emma and somni are starting some sort of rape cult and anna and miri/cfar trying to claim we are naive victims of ziz's cult and ▘▕▜▋ claiming emma and somni are mindhacking ziz to make her bully them and jade nameless claiming im doing this to get a job at cfar and ...

since they make up their fake coordination points independently they smash into each other. if they want to coordinate over lots of people they then have to work out which of these they want to coordinate around in a sort of market of falsehoods. and have to arrange for it to not contradict any information anything people know. but they dont know all the information everyone knows, and they wont know it even after combing through lots of blogs and reading lots of discord chats.

when they try coordinating on falsehoods like this, its hard to get a coalition together in an environment where what people know is rapidly changing because a bunch of anarchist bloggers keep posting things in a bunch of places on a non-centrally controlled schedule determined by what seems like a good idea at the time to independent agents. and having lots of conversations with so many different people in private and public they cant keep track of them all.

if they try pretending to be dumb and forming a unified gaslighting front in one area. then people will exploit the fact that this is the internet and not the evolutionary environment, take logs and post them somewhere else where everyone didnt collude to be dumb in this particular way. so while their monkey brains get a rush of endorphins from being able to successfully coordinate local humans, what feels like an entire tribe, against the blasphemer, actually they just used their adult intelligence to defeat in front of a bunch of people who dont share their political commitments but who can reason about what is true and what is just.

(of course there are many truths this doesnt work on because of large inferential distance, shared mammalian biases it takes an unusual mind to step over, and shared incentives. but the defense of most regions of injustice and untruth when you ask questions have to keep chaining to more and more absurd things until you are defending causal decision theory or start claiming 'anna salamon, the president of cfar, is not involved in cfar's hiring'. which depend on a social context committed to defending everything that protects miri/cfar and people who dont have the same conclusion-that-must-not-happen can see that its dumb.)

if miri/cfar had committed themselves to the path of expanding agency, maybe i wouldnt be posting my thoughts and meta-process on the public internet. (in the counterfactual where they committed to this path, its likely that i wouldnt be protesting. because it seems actually-hard to stay on the path and remain evil.) but as it stands, i expect this information to differentially help anarchists and do about as much good for statists as explaining updateless decision theory to someone at cfar. its just this inert structure in their brains, they cant do anything strategic with it. they intentionally shut down their ability to take ideas seriously and drive out anyone left who can, calling them crazy.

what they can do is "oh here is a list of people to target" and "see if they said anything incriminating". ive seen their attempts to coordinate enter the attractors of 'authoritarianism' (duncans dragon army, kingsleys "repent and submit to [AUTHORITY FIGURE]") and 'lets all lie in the same direction and disable general cognition to update out of this! the important part is social agreement and that everyone allows social reality to have the final veto on their beliefs. i myself do this so you know im super safe and this is super fair.' (anna and kelsey). this sort of weak coordination based on breaking people can be easily subverted by anything real.

--

if you are actually right, you can exploit useful properties of being right and let that be your asymmetric weapon. such that all that challenge you know they will know its steel. and then people who compute the outcome and expect to lose, dont fight in the first place.

if my chosen weapon were actually the size of my muscles and imposing figure compared to anna salamon as miri/cfar people "believed" (exploiting the already extant anti-transfem psychic suppression field as one of their few functioning coordination points. probably not as functional now after what i have written.), then when i fought people it would create a warp field such that then people with smaller muscles wont fight in the first place, but id be deluged by people with larger muscles. i dont want to create a warp field that summons people with lots of muscles.

if i exploit properties of my souls, of truth and justice. then i have an arsenal of techniques that are stronger if i actually want to save everyone, if im actually right, if im acting for justice. because they exploit useful differential properties of each. and the warp field in higher density summons ... people who care about saving the world, truth, and justice. in other words, a high density of potential allies.

by default i want to exploit "the difference is that im right" not "the difference is that i have larger muscles". i want differential power to push away those who are wrong and unjust and attract those who are right and just into a kind of warp hull.

there are other reasons as well.

[theaetherwitch]

Is This All A Delusion?

This is kinda gonna be a little off the cuff, because I’m mostly going to be talking in regards to myself and my experiences, all the while trying to answer my own questions while writing this. I just had a rather interesting meditation with some of my angels and they’ve shed a bit of light on my internal struggles, so a lot of stuff is also advice I’ve gotten from them. I’m not really gonna call this an article, rather just a message to myself that I feel I need to catalog. So, if you’re not interested in a more internal discussion with myself you’re free to skip over this but to those curious about some things i struggle with and something that probably some other practitioners struggle with as well, I encourage you to keep reading bellow the drop

Something I struggle with a lot when it comes to my craft is not knowing if all of this is just in my head and I’m crazy. I’ve told a few people, but most of the people on my blog probably don’t know is that schizophrenia and manic depression is something that I struggle with on a daily basis. So you can probably see the core of my problem right there. Are all of my experiences just some hallucination or depression induced fever dream that I’ve become deeply enthralled in? Is everything I’ve come to understand about myself and the world around me all just a lie I tell myself to stay happy? These are questions I know I have a lot when it comes to my craft, and I’m sure that it is a struggle that other people in this lifestyle have probably had as well, especially those of you with similar mental disorders to myself. 

When looking at these questions, its important to keep in mind that magick and deities have roots not just in religion, but psychology as well. I’m not a major in this field or a doctor or anything, so don’t take this as the law or as the only truth, but magick/religion/ect are as real as you make them and allow them to be. As an example, a deity or spirit usually only presents themselves to you only if you’re open to the experience and are willing to hear what they’re teaching. If you’re not willing to learn from them, or not willing to accept them in your life then why would they come to you in the first place, ya know?  The basic rundown of what I’m trying to say, is that if you’re not open or willing to have the experiences that magick can bring, then you’re not going to want to explore it. You’re going to stick to you current beliefs (or lack there of). Magick is build upon yourself. If you believe in yourself when doing a spell, and take the necessary steps forward to achieve what you’re looking for, then a lot of the time it will prove to be successful. But on the flip side, if you’re negative and don’t have faith that your spell is going to work, or don’t take your own outside actions to help it work then it simply wont. The energy you put into magick, is the energy that you get back out of it. Kinda like karma in that manner.

But back to the main question at hand, “is this all a delusion?”. In simple terms, it’s only a delusion if you let it become one. What I mean by that, is if you dedicate yourself to the craft so much that you’re not taking care of yourself, and take every experience you have without a grain of salt, you’re basically burying your head in sand and shutting off the outside world. I try to stay balanced as best I can with this, taking some time to focus on the physical then taking some time to focus on the spiritual. Sometimes we need a reality check, especially the newer witches, and I mean that in the least disrespectful way possible. Sometimes we get so caught up in magick and the spiritual that we fog up our minds and start taking literally every little thing that happens to us as some sort of spiritual miracle (or curse) when that just isn’t the case. Sometimes good things happen for no reason, same thing with bad things. Not everything is a sign, not everything has spiritual connections, and not everything is magickal in it’s source. That’s just a fact of life, and when people start to think that way is when it truly becomes a delusion.

We need to start looking at magick as an outlet to express ourselves and learn about the world, rather than as the absolute truth and only way things are. No one knows the “real” truth, and no one has all the answers. And the same goes for spirits, they don’t know everything and they can only help so much. They don’t have the absolute truth just as your neighbor Joe doesn’t.

And another thing to think about with this question, is “Am I worried that other people perceive me as crazy or delusional?” Because when it comes to that, it honestly doesn’t matter what other people think about you or your believes. These things are private to yourself, and they’re your own personal truths about the world. Other peoples opinions shouldn’t discourage you from magick or make you feel crazy, because often times they’re simply not open the the experiences that you’re having. Not only that, these are YOUR experiences, not theirs. They have no way to tell you that your experiences are fake because they’re not in your shoes living your life.

And at the end of the day, even IF (emphasis on if) we are all delusion and crazy, whats it really matter in the end? As long as you’re learning and growing, and helping out those you can alone the way, does it truly matter if the spirits or magick are all in your head? You’re doing good for yourself and other people while having these experiences, and thats a good thing, not a bad one. You’re touching people and we’re all little by little trying to help the world become a better place. And if you can give credit to the voice in your head, that just means you had it in yourself the entire time. To do these amazing things, and to help all these people. If it truly ins’t real, then all the amazing things where done by YOU, and i don’t see the harm in that.

[alicezan-ncgred]

Bleeding Red

Preface: I’ve been bitching around the bush of this long enough. So, I’ve been really silent on a bunch of stuff that’s been eating me alive which has made me both inactive and unproductive. I’m going to get straight to the point, starting off with the TL:DR from my post on my main blog. Context: An anon asked me if I was alright because I hadn’t updated in a while.

TL:DR You probably didn’t ask this to hear about all the bad shit of my life so here’s the short of it. No, I’m not doing fine. I will try get next weeks post out on time and I’ll work on making up on the lost posts. Updates will return regularly, ‘ite.

Time for the thick and thin of it.

Insecurity and being shafted: I’m stoic, even at my worst I won’t say anything. I’ll push through regardless of my current condition and since I’ve gone years like this, it’s not hard for me to do. In my real life situation, I’m currently in a place of social isolation. This has lead to a somewhat near reliance on Tumblr to be my social outlet. This present many issues.

The main one is that I’m quite the isolationist. This has only been reinforced by many interactions throughout the entirely of my life. Because of this, I can’t say I’ve ever had anything really more than two friends at a time. While in a way this has helped me express myself so well through writing, it’s come at the cost of social skill. I don’t talk to anyone.

With this kind of issue you could easily imagine that the THREE PEOPLE (four now, but very limited) to ever directly talk ended up in a way shafting me. The first blocked and disconnected with me without warning or reason. At this point we’ve been talking to each for about a month and we hit it off very well and then one day, silence. Never heard from them again. That fucked me up hard when I finally realized what happened.

The second person left during the Tumblr P**n Purge. We were talking about how to contact each other on other platforms and then they stopped responding. I had already given contact to other platforms of which they pinged me in any way. Another person that I trusted massively on here just abandoned me and I’m still hurting from that. Wasn’t fair at all.

Then the third person was someone that I been following for a while. This person is actually the reason that I’ve been putting this off for so long. I don’t want them to see this post but they will. I got an ask from them that ultimately turned out to be misinformation. I said I wasn’t mad but I was. I was so fucking angry about it and I’m still kinda mad, but I didn’t want problems. I still don’t. I just didn’t want them to worry about it. This will come back later.

I try my best to be as inoffensive as possible. The problem with that is that much of the things I believe or enjoy are highly divisive. Hell, even my own identity can be seen as offence. I’m bisexual, non-binary (I’m currently still questioning this. I might actually be gender fluid but in the overall scheme, that’s worse than being non-binary), and nonreligious. I’m in a very religious area so you I’m still “in the closet” about much of this IRL. I though it would better online but with how much people are saying bisexuality doesn’t exist, or that non-binary isn’t a valid gender (or that being gender fluid make you insane and you should be locked up) and all the hate people who say they are this are getting, the very community that’s supposed to accept me, HATES me. I had a bi pride flag icon last year during Pride Month. I never doing that ever again. It was terrible.

I’m trying my best to come out of my shell like I said I would when I made this blog but it seems I’m just crawling further into it. People I think I can trust keep setting me up to fall, people I know in real life won’t ever accept my existence if they knew who I really was, and my own mental health problem and self loathing are eating me alive. But that isn’t the total of it.

Crumbling Pillar: I’ve always ended up in the position where things were thrown onto me. In which no one wanted to do, I was stuck with. Because of this not only do I have a severe distaste being around my family (beyond everything mentioned before hand) but I grew to have a negative out look on everything. This effect is still quite obvious in my writings, especially my poems. Out of the 14 poems on my poem blog @washed-soul​, only one has a happy meaning.

The one happy poem was called dreams. Under a metaphor it talks about how a demon kept me trapped in a dark space. I start to get better and nearly break free before I have a negative relapse back to my old ways. The poems ends with the demon putting a end to itself leaving the nightmare in which it was keeping me in to slowly fade away, letting one crack of light peeking through to become a window to a door until one day I walk free. When writing this poem, I never thought I would find myself rebuilding the nightmare but that’s where I am.

I’m done with holding things together that other people have placed onto me. Because of this, issues have began showing in my private life. Issues that should’ve been solved decades ago are only now being addressed. This change in the status quo of my life has caused many issues in my productive and mood. Between everything else I’m too tired to do anything.

Is that a reason, is that an excuse. No it isn’t but it’s the best thing I got as a reason. I’m doing my damnedest to do the best I can but of course, when it comes to the thing that matter I just fall short. Big fucking whopha my intelligence and capability does me if I can’t use it for anything that means a damn.

Meaningless Triviality: I’m a very emotional person. I’m very strongly bound to my emotions and if everything above hasn’t given it away, my emotions are very negative prone. But it just doesn’t stop there, it goes back into my memories. I can only honestly place 3 happy memories for certain that aren’t either A) a dream or B) me escaping reality through my mind. Besides that, almost all my memories are negative. 

People like to throw around the word Nihilist to describe themselves because today's culture is very, god while I hate to use this word, edgy. For those who don’t know a Nihilist is someone who views the world as being completely  meaningless and reject all religious and moral principles. I very truly struggle with this outlook of life. It’s a daily for me to berate myself saying “just kill yourself” or “I want to die” or just shutting down and crumpling up while say “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry” over and over again. Hell, I did that while writing this. 

I take things very hard, even the slightest transgression. I’m so used to trying to make things perfect and because people have the image that I’m the smart one, the mature one, the capable one, I’m left with the over hanging expectation of excellence. Almost no room for margin of error or being human. Since I’m the silent type, I put up no challenge and work to meet it. Only time I get any praise for anything too. 

I guess as a little self promotion to my main blog, for those that have read the very first few updates of my main blog @the-truth-behind-redacted, or read Defiance’s character sheet, while The Machine and Defiance are separate character, they both share the name Machine. That in part is a reflect of said above expectation. How ravenous and inhuman it can be all under the guise of something human. Those characters are the two sides to the same coin. 

Remember how I said I try to be un-problematical and how I try to avoid any potential conflict. In the first segment I told on how I lied about my feelings just so another person didn’t have to worry over something that honestly, in hindsight, wasn’t even really a big deal. But I also said how it consumed me in anger. I just don’t want to bother anyone over anything. It’s part of the reason why I am writing this post, as some way of a self enforced rehab program to get better. 

This absolute consumption of negative emotion has pushed me into a non human state before. I hit a point of absolute mental exhaustion and in such a self enforced bubble of actual hatred I became completely apathetic. I felt numb to everything. I watched and heard of terrible things happening to people, and felt nothing. I watched people lives crumble before them leaving them nowhere to go and LAUGHED. “Just another worthless pathetic worm on this rotting carcass of a planet being hit with the hard reality that life doesn’t care for them. What whimsical pathetic bullshit they deluded themselves with to think otherwise.” This isn’t an exaggeration on how I thought, this is what I actually thought. Which brings me too.

The Mandatory Sob Story: Roll your eyes everyone and get the tiny violin. I guess in order for everyone to exactly understand the place I’m coming from when it comes to mental health I’ll have to detail my experiences. I have a long standing history with mental illness. I have professionally diagnosed OCD, Bipolarism, Anxiety, Chronic Depression, and visual and auditory hallucinations. I take 600 mg of Seroquel a day as well as Amitriptyline when needed. I’m also still currently in therapy to deal with said OCD, Bipolarism, Anxiety, Chronic Depression, the visual and auditory hallucinations, as well as Suicidal thoughts, and my Nihilism. There’s a reason to why I’m so god damn familiar with mental illness and treatment plans.  

OCD and Bipolarism run in my family on my fathers side. My Father’s Father had them, my Sister has them, my brother most likely has them (however he refuses to see a doctor because he uses said possible mental illnesses as a get out of jail free card. He doesn’t want to be treated and he has FUCKING ADMITTED IT), my father has them, and I have them. I, however, have the misfortune of having it real bad. I said yes to well over half of all the total symptoms when I was being tested (I don’t remember exact numbers but I remember there being three pages worth of common symptoms) which was very worrying to the doctor. I was currently in an inpatient hospitalization program at the time for both suicidal thoughts and actions, and severe depression. 

On that, my graze in with suicide. Before I went into my first inpatient program I was contemplating suicide. I was sat in front of a mirror with a bottle of over the counter medication. It was an unopened bottle of ibuprofen, 1000 200mg tables. What I planed to do was down the whole bottle with benadryl and die in my sleep. I had the small box of benadryl got from the Kroger pharmacy and a hand full of ibuprofen poured out looking directly into the mirror. My suicide note was sitting on the desk on my room with an online copy on my laptop open.

I sat there for an hour in the dead of midnight complicating my life. I had lost all hope in the world, filled with hatred, anger, pain, and despair. I had no god or after life to look forward too, part way hoping that a Hell existed for me to burn in. I hated myself that much. I was close to taking the first handful before before I caught a glimpse of my own eyes in the mirror. In what was in a weird sudden epiphany I realized that I truly did become what I hated but not for any reason I told myself. I became the very bastion of negativity I sought to fight and rid of in what little friends I did have. That was what set off my path to recovery in spite of the medical system. I guess if people care I’ll make a separate post on that. 

Before I move on, I feel I should explain my history with the visual and auditory hallucinations. It should be no surprise that with everything else above, I also had extreme paranoia that led to me having very bad insomnia. Insomnia is, just like most other medical disorders like Depression, Self-harm, Anxiety, OCD,  Bipolarism, is romanticized to hell. Insomnia isn’t having one nights bad sleep where you got 5 hours of sleep instead of 8.

You know what Insomnia is? insomnia is being physical incapable of sleeping despite not sleeping in 2 to 3 day while your body suffers massive agony brought on by this. Muscle spasms and seizing, difficulty breathing, your eyes feeling like fire ants are eating them, and of course visual and auditory hallucinations. Now I already had issues with visual and auditory hallucinations even when I could get sleep regularly but the combined effects of my OCD and Bipolarism made this perfect condition of Insomnia, Anxiety, Paranoia, with the already added in disposition to hallucinations and I felt like I was actually losing my mind. 

My hallucinations presented themselves in three forms. Disassociation of reality, night terrors, or alterations of reality. Disassociation of reality often were complete black out moments. I would lose any perceived connect to reality and enter an episode of my mind. I can’t remember what they actually were but I do remember what it felt like. Cold sweats, anxiety to point where if I didn’t lock up I would vomit, actual physical pain, mind numbing fear, and intense fatigue. 

The second were night terrors often in the form of horrific “things.” I do remember these and most of them were as best as I could describe, forms of things that were vaguely human and formations of industrial machinery. The most vivid one I remember was of a long lengthy apparition that was for the most part human but many locations of it’s impossible physiology were rebar beams and mechanical sockets. It began when I was about to fall asleep and it was next to my window. The thing was making week groaning and gasping sounds before it violently slammed against my window breaking it then letting out a horrific howl that I can’t describe as it tossed itself out followed shorty after with the sound of bones breaking against the dirt. 

Now that might not seem so bad, exspecally with everything that is in horror movies or games now, but keep in mind that was fucking real to me. It was as real as the clicking of the keys of my keyboard as I’m writing this. As real as the chair I’m sitting in and as real as the wall in front of me. As far as my mind was concerned that thing, what ever it was, actually existed. It took me physical touching my window to make sure it wasn’t actually broken and checking outside to see if there wasn’t a body there. This isn’t the type of thing I talk about lightly. 

Finally there is the alteration of reality. This is very simply but it’s something that fucked with me hard. For very little meaning or warning, I would have trouble interpreting the world around me. My hearing and sight would be warped and there wasn’t any real way to tell what I was hearing or seeing was real or not until the episode was over. The way I got through these was the ultimate fake it till you make it. Obviously, very often I failed and this created issue in my schooling. 

Ending Message: I’ve been in a very bad state for a while now and as it is now, no signs of getting better. I also strongly believe my medications are being to fail me which I’ve been telling my doctor and therapist for over a year now but nothing’s been done. Mainly it’s my Depression but insomnia episodes are beginning and my own paranoia been on the rise. It’s gotten to the point where I can’t even look at a creepy image or thumbnail without having a very bad episode. 

I’ve managed to eat something today which was nice but my body is cramping hard. And to possible stave of a possible comment, I’m biologically male. Like I said I’m not in the best head space, or living for that matter. If this gets better, only time will tell. 

[kwackdoctor]

Progress Note #2: How to love yourself

Today, for the nth time, I have googled “how to love myself”. It’s that time of the month, I think, that I get depressive thoughts, suicidical really, but I still try to fight for myself and try to save me. Just a little background, when I was in high school, I had suicidal notes – plans to kill myself, notes of goodbyes to my parents. To this day, I still remember the look of hurt of my mother when she read it. She was hurt, betrayed and scared at the same time. Right there I realized that my problems wont go away along with me, it will stay with the people left behind. So at that moment, I promised whenever these thoughts visit, and they often do, that I will fight for myself. A bit ironic, isn’t it? Negating the thoughts of killing myself. But it really happens, you really cant control these thoughts. I have thought about getting professional help, but I think im not ready to scare my parents again. So im doing a “self-help”. So while I was researching, I came about a website by marc and angel and they list down a few tips on how to love yourself. So today, I will try to do that.

“because the greatest struggle in life is the struggle to accept, embrace, and love ourselves, with all of our imperfections”

it seem so easy. I mean, I love myself. But do I really KNOW myself for me to love it?

I was making plans with my best friend, telling him our plans of travelling together when this academic thing is over. I was telling him of not getting married early because I was scared of being alone. When his replied shocked me, he said, “Learn to love your company, be your own bestfriend”. GUYS. My own bestfriend, telling me to be my own bestfriend. Was he trying to break up with me? But it hit me hard. I SHOULD REALLY LOVE MYSELF. But how?

“We have to learn to be our own best friends beciase sometimes we fall too easily into the trap of being our own worst enemies. We love the idea of others loving us, and we forget to love ourselves.”

Start telling yourself what you love about yourself.

Well, this is hard. You know what’s easy? Telling myself what I hate about myself. But let’s try this exercise. I have watched a series wherein they also did this but they only listed 5 things, so I will try that.

I love my height

I love my cheerful and optimistic side (even though it is tiring sometimes)

I love how I can make people laugh

I love my kilay

I love my dimples

Be one with what is

It says in the website, “ giving up on being perfect and beginning the journey of becoming your true self”. Well, that’s easy. I am not perfect. I know that. Again, I can list all of my imperfections in 10 minutes unlike exercise 1 which took my 30 minutes to list 5 things. face palm

but being one with what is, it’s kind of difficult to understand. Being okay with yourself. Isn’t that settling? Isn’t that going below average? But maybe I am the average and being myself is okay. Well, we will update on this because I am also confused on the matter HAHA

Focus less on winning the approval of others

Okay, this is difficult. We live in a world where every aspect of your life is posted on social media. Every event in your daily, mundane life is recorded. How the hell do you stop trying to get approval of others? Whenever I post something, someone is always there to comment – be it bad or good. Maybe I should get a social media hiatus, right?

“Your time on this planet is precious:

“What you do today is important, because you are exchanging a day of your life for it”

“Don’t wait around for someone else to give you permission to live”

Sooooo, if I sleep all day, what does that make me? Still important. I think I shouldn’t be bothered by what people think about my itinerary. I will do whatever makes me happy. #sleepislife

Distance yourself from those who bring you down

Wait, what if I don’t know those people? Should I know them?

“Being in a relationship is better than being in a wrong one” – OH SNAP, that hit me. I have been with this guy for a long time now (hello 7 years), and I still don’t see any progress with our relationship. Should I see progress? But I still don’t have the guts to let him go. I still love him. But in most times, we just aren’t in sync. I don’t know what to do with it, though.

“Know your worth” – still trying, I am so sorry.

“Quality over quantity” – ah, this I have done right. I think. But sometimes, I still feel like I was choosen last. You know those scenes in the movie, where the captain chooses their team mate? I always feel like I was the last one choosen. Maybe because they have been together longest? Or maybe because I don’t speak the language? Or maybe because of who I am as a person. But I don’t really blame them, I guess it’s my fault.

Forgive your past self.

I’m not so sure about this. I don’t really have a past to forgive on. Or do i?

(I just realized how long this list is, so I will try to be more concise)

Start making the changes you know you need to make

WHAT CHANGES?

“Just because something made you happy in the past doesn’t mean you have to keep it forever” – this is him again. I think. But but but, he still makes me happy. Sometimes. Yea, im stupid that way.

Embrace the mistakes you haven’t even made yet

This looks fun. “Don’t let the fear of making the wrong decision prevent you from making any decision at all”

Well, the thing is, I keep making the wrong decisions.

Show gratitude for who you are and what you have right now.

I am very grateful with what I have right now. I know there are a lot of people less fortunate that I am, and I am very much grateful for what I have. But sometimes, I really can’t control my jealous type. They have like this, they go to this, and whatever. But I keep telling myself that what I have now is more than enough and I shouldn’t feel bad about it. It’s an everyday struggle, but I know what I have.

I have always thought that I could get anything I want as long as I put my mind to it. But there are things that I really can’t have. That makes me angry and want to throw a tantrum but I realize that I am too old for that sht. I have to learn to accept these things, however hard it seems.

“There are lots of people who will never have what you have right now. So use pain, frustration and inconvenience to motivate you rather than annoy you. You are in conttol of the way you look at life.”

I will accept these things.

No matter how hard it is.

It’s a hard pill to swallow, so man up, self!

Do something every day that makes you happy

What if nothing makes me happy anymore?

“Life is short”

“Invest in the activities you deeply care about”

“You have to experience life on your terms before you can be life-giving to others”

I really need to get a hobby. Any suggestions?

Give yourself a fair chance to explore new ideas and opportunites

But how?

Hobbies. Interests. What.

Listen to your intuition and be honest with yourself about everything

Now, this is what this blog is all about. Being honest with myself. You see, I haven’t been honest with a lot of people in my life. I told lies to be interesting. I had to keep up with it. But then I realized, I don’t really have to do that. Fuck what people say, this is me. If you don’t love me, then leave. (I hope I am this confident in real life).

“Confidence comes from knowing that what youre doing is right, and that what you’re doing is right for YOU”

Believe in your abilities.

Focus in writing your story, instead of reading, watching, and hearing about everyone else’s

I feel like I have been doing this at some point of my life. I guess, my life was so boring I had to make it a bit interesting by watching others. But I realized again, that this was wrong.

Pay close attention to your life as you’re living it

This is what I am also practicing. Being in the present. Maybe because of my work that I have missed a lot of stuff happening in my loved one’s lives, but now I will try to be there. To be present. I used to ask myself whenever someone invites me, “what will I do there”. Today, I will answer myself with “Just be there, be present.”

Loosen up and be a little less serious about it all

I guess what’s good about me is that I don’t take it all seriously. Most of my friends can attest that. But I guess there are certain aspect in life that you should take seriously. Differentiating them is the lesson life gives you.

“people with good sense of humor have a better sense of life” REALLY NOW

Lastly, (thank God), Go out of your way to be loving and kind to others too

Heh, this is hard. I have been known to be maldita and judgemental. How do I stop?

“people who love themselves come across as very caring, generous, and kind to others too”

so today, I will try to be loving and caring. It is hard. But I will really try to go out of my way to do this. I hope everyone does, to make this life a better place.

Parting thoughts: Start looking at yourself more. Notice yourself more. Eventually, you’ll realize you love yourself more. You have nothing else, but yourself, so you really don’t have a choice. I know I will do the same. This will be my self-help blog for loving myself. I will keep you posted on my “progress”, if there’s any.

Cheerios.

[loyalbreed]

      Cent has decided to back away for the time being; because he feels that it is effecting people he has come to appreciate. That he doesnt know how to return such kindness that was given to him in full. And much like the beginning when the catfish thing first happened, he is overwhelmed and doesnt know where to begin to reach out to people. Again like the beginning, the only people who spoke to him about it wanting an answer. Were the people directly effected by it? Myself included, versus people who just kept using it against him?          The Catfish thing was resolved and ended well between many people who were effected actually. The person who owns the blog that is being linked about him is scrambling to delete it since it was kept by her and a lot of others. To make sure it was out there that what had done, did happen. And that it wasn't over looked either; the fact Cent asked to keep that blog up. Should be important notion alone over who he is as a person. It was not to be brought up negatively again and used as a tool to populate someones obsession and anger over him. Since it seems to continue to happen by the same people staring a new issue every so often when he has people comfortably having fun with him. Which makes me upset because it seems that if a community is happy; unhappiness needs to happen.

        I do not like long posts--and honestly this didnt stay short. But I want say how upset I am this happens again. Considering I was one of the close to him when Cent Catfished; its really stupid to see people who had nothing to do with him at the time. Bring this up as if they were really the ones effected most directly from it? Further you are bringing up bad feelings that many people have already come to let sit on their chest and deal with ultimately.        To further delve into my own sense of okay this post is about me, even though this isnt. I need you all to know how Call Out Culture is ineffective and Bad. From my stand point with my experience I want to leave you with a short burst of information about myself and how we handle it along with DCF, a separate government branch, DDS, and her therapists.         My sister is severely mentally disabled. For the rest of our lives we will be taking care of her. She cannot wash herself. She thinks that Star Scream from Transformers is real and often comes to talk to her. I told her once she couldnt date a toaster as a joke, and she threw the toaster at me screaming about it. She really thinks star scream is attractive, and often details herself with obsessions with Aliens and outer space. She thinks God is evil-- because God made her this way. And cant understand why that is a sad thing to say. She just gets frustrated; frustrated is her essence of living. And acting out on it is how she is derived of.          To continue, she has pushed me down stairs. Abused me. Told me to die. Tried killing me several times. Has emotionally abused my little brother to the point we have a separate staff of people in and out of our house for him.           This is nearly every day for me; every day it is. Is kayla alright? did she do something? Did she hurt someone? did she hurt herself? no? Good good. Today was a good day.          How is this relevant toward this situation and pertaining toward things going on; the thing is rather then take my sister out of the house considering how constant this is. The government stresses on keeping her in the home and helping us all as a whole keep together. When a break is needed; and it can be afforded. She goes into Respite Program where she leaves for a week or so. She is actually going to one soon, and is very excited because they are going to go out a lot!            To reiterate the government keeps disabled individuals who may be a threat to the family within the home. With emergency issues and things that need happen--and yes when she says she wants to kill you she means it. As someone she has tried to I can say that much alright.           To make a point; People who are an issue you do not merely remove them and or kick them out. Indeed themes need be addressed and if their are serious manners of which Pedophila is being actually done then we and you. Need to contact police enforcement. They will take you seriously; it is a serious endeavor. You can involve Tumblr Staff as well, there are channels to pull with if there is something volatile that need be addressed. I implore you to. Yet often times it seems when posts are made, the latter is true.              To highlight the issues where, Cent condones or romanticizes these things that are being said. If you read these rules it is not the case. He states that he will participate in these things but does not want just anyone asking him. Nor does he want anyone shipping with the character as he doesnt understand why it is you would? It is weird to think that from these text alone you would take context otherwise-- Especially knowing before this post was presented. Cent talked about how on his Bel blog he doesnt want to make people feel like his Bel is pushing on them or making them uncomfortable. And that he would never participate in noncon. Or that on King Arthur; he does not do any of these themes what so ever. That these themes are only present on the villainous character he does not even participate in roleplaying anymore.              To round this over; it is getting upsetting seeing how this is effecting one another when the general idea is ‘ i just want to be happy and want people to talk/do things with.’ Rather then ‘ i want nothing to do with this person. ‘ So many people are stressed out and want to talk to cent. Reach out to Cent. But are constantly being told otherwise; its sad and im happy to know that people exist out there that know in actuality how dealing with problems work. Versus adhering the idea that you need kick someone out.                    I fear those people. Because i fear letting my sister do something around someone and someone not understanding and condoning her for it when they only have a minuscule of the story. Seeing as people cant even understand someone who makes sense how would you understand someone like my sister? Its cool you can say now ‘ oh But no we arent talking about that. ‘ Yet the only reason why you can feel this way is because you know the story behind my sister, many of you dont know anything about Cent save for interacting with him and that he makes you laugh.          So Im going to Tell you one thing about Cent that for me now that you know my story makes me happy to share.           Seeing that Cent came out from such a bad place, being such a bad person, doing such horrible things but choosing to do better made me believe in others again. It made me believe that even if my sister does all the things she does. There is always a spot and place for her to truly come about and make a better decision too. True, Cent is a more able bodied man and isnt disabled like my sister. But its just the fact that he does and he could and he can. That makes me believe anyone can.           It makes me feel like no matter who you were in the past; you can always chose to be better then that. And no matter how many times or who wants to believe who you are in the past dictates who you are in the future. Wont ever mean as much; That anyone despite the things they have done can always chose to be a better person then what they had been. And cent really does solidify that fact. As someone who knew him from the time as a cat fished. That got catfished by him. Literally back stabbed by him. Only to come down and talk again as friends.                   I feel like I get to say that not anyone else, and Im really glad to be able to say that lmao. He is my closet friend and will always remain to be.             I don’t mind if you feel you do not want to talk to me or think I romanticize his issues as someone who has gone through so much. So much and more, you would not begin to understand. I feel you are more then welcome to believe that but I know there are people who talk to him and know what he does and feels the same. And are comfortable with the rounded world they have created with friends.              And I really ( SHOUNEN VOICE ) I really just believe in people--people change. And Cent makes me realize that this is possible. And you cant just remove people out of your life thinking they wont. And because I know better and because I am an adult with my head well on my shoulders. I can make that decision, i understand if you cannot yet or are afraid or uncertain. I implore you to keep yourself safe just know that some of us feel chill. and we are all alright btw!! So dont feel like we are being attacked or manipulated by cent. 

But I insist you stop thinking that trying to get rid of someone is going to solve an issue. People continue living and breathing every day regardless of what you think or want to happen? No one is ignoring the issues or ignoring the fact that stuff happened if you are scared or uncertain as well about them feel free to add me and we can always group convo and you can let your feelings bare. Or anyone really? just be mindful and fair?

This isnt going to make Cent come back i really just feel like. I want these feelings to be known and that if you are ever called out personally I will gladly give you a chance of your own. I can only hope to god, that he would give that chance to my sister one day if something happened. And to anyone and everyone, as well as  teach other people that everyone deserves that much.

[cocona]

hey! i wanna at least try to get into kpop, to see what all the fuss is abt, and youre the first blog that comes to mind abt that stuff. do you have any recs!? or comments?? anything really, i'm interested in what you have to say

i have recs!!! first of all ty for asking me abt it hdgfs !! i’ll make u a list !! i will try to stay concise but i have bolded n linked the most important stuff since i tend to blabber a lot! there r groups i purposely didnt recommend! also! i advise you to look up who did what if you want to know why idcs abt certain artists that r big in kpop (like big//ba//ng, su//ju, bl//ock//b, ma//ma//moo & so on) tl;dr: kpop basics (spotify) + @tearera (my kpop sb)

i’ll start w some RECS but jsyk kpop as u might have heard of it is mainly composed of groups! which is why i’ll start w groups then soloists! of course u can check out most of them on spotify (u can listen to their playlist of the most famous songs atm!). please notice that the kpop industry is very ‘classic’ when it comes to concepts (cute r for gorls! badass r for boys!) so um. yeah. yikes. if i had to argue abt all the things i find wrong in this industry this post would become a manifesto, u can always pm me if u want to hear me complain lmao 

GIRL GROUPS

honestly…. TWICE are the first one that came to my mind when i thought of ggs to rec. they’re a 9 member group labelled under jyp entertainment n have debuted in 2015 with the bop like ooh aah… that u can listen to! their genre is mainly cute songs but dont be fooled!! they have extremely powerful songs & lyrics as well! some good starts with their music are LIKEY (2017, a bop, great melody, great rapping, one of their ult feel good songs, played @ the olympics), TT (2016, queens of halloween!), and also their most recent song WHAT IS LOVE (2018, iconic!! gay!! bop!! sweet!! great album!!). as twice are the kind that can set you off by their cuteness and playful vibes, i recommend you to check out some of their side tracks. personality wise, the girls r very fun and sweet! they’re all angels and i love them all THIS MUCH!! if u want to know, sana & dahyun r my favourite members!         

also queens, but from sm entertainment this time, Red Velvet are a 5 member gg who have debuted in 2015 with the song Happiness (at that time they were only 4 but the youngest member, Yeri, joined later on!). some very famous songs of theirs are… basically all their title tracks but i’d mainly recommend Russian Roulette, Dumb Dumb (also my fave rv music video!!), Peek-a-boo (what’s better than lesbians witches slaying men and eating pizza), Bad Boy (honestly… one of their best songs… title track of their repackaged album…good shit if u will). of course! there are some side tracks i will recommend! i will frankly say that i listen to a lot of their music and they’re my favourite musically! some faves in no particular order are automatic, cool hot sweet love, huff n puff, something kinda crazy, about love, kingdom come, little little and talk to me! they have very versatile genres and have two main themes of music, the red and the velvet, though these mix often! rlly! their music really good. they have amazing choreographies too!!!!

the third gg i will rec are one that have not debuted yet, it’s LOONA! get ready bc they are a 12 member group with one girl for every month. each girl was revealed every month staring from 2016 with a single album composed of one song and one side track that usually features another member! as this group has yet to debut, i cannot show you anything with all twelve members but! they work with units, there are three: loona 1/3, odd eye circle, and yyxy (tune in for their debut scheduled for may!) that each have an album. 1/3 r more of a cute girly concept, while odd eye circle have played strongly on the girl crush & rnb concept. we have yet to see what yyxy has for us n im frankly v excited!!! my fave singles are Around You (hyunjin), Let Me In (haseul), Singing in the rain (jinsoul, best girl), Eclipse (kim lip), and Heart Attack (by chuu!! also best girl). they have already released a lot of music so go ahead & listen to it! their music videos have a plot and it’s one of those theories fandom (loonaverse)! the positions that all the members will have wasn’t been revealed yet!

then here’s a list of ggs that’s not as detailed bc it would be too long: clc (they r…the girls….), exid (vocals, social criticism, sexy), blackpink (5 songs out but theyre all top notch), f(x) (v good music! bring them back from the war), gfriend (cute & refreshing concepts! v tight choreographies! sweet girls!), aoa, & many more! groups i dont rec bc i dont stan but that u should know of: snsd, 2ne1; that have disbanded but shouldnt have: sistar

BOY GROUPS

ok i stan two boy groups so that’ll be quick! i’ll also rec plenty of music!

the main group i stan is BTS aka the bangtan boys and yes… they’re everywhere… they deserve it tbh… so theyre a 7 member boy group and they’re the first kpop group i ever stanned! they have released a lot of songs already but i’ll just mark something! bts are known for their cinematography and plot in their music videos as well as their politically/socially engaged songs. they debuted in 2013 with the youth-conscious song no more dream and um. forget the mv. the message is what’s important. secondly! my favourite eps & albums are DARK&WILD (forget abt war of hormone), The Most Beautiful Moment in Life pt2, WINGS, and Love Yourself 轉 Tear (which will be released on May 18th so stay tuned!). here’s a beginner’s list to bts & their music videos: spring day, blood sweat & tears, run, fire, i need u, and intros: singularity, serendipity. i cannot recommend bts songs bc i’d be unable to pick some, but here is my bangtan favourites playlist and spotify’s This Is BTS! n their most known song atm, still on charts, DNA. another thing!! they dabble in a lot of genres! there is a constant symbolism in most of their songs and music videos, which is why there are theories! also, here are my fave choreos (x x x) & non-official releases (x x x)! also! j-hope recently released a mixtape! check it out! it’s v good! the bad thing is that the fandom is massive n it is filled with young fans so a lot of fan-created content is cringey. apart from that! theyre lovely as a band n i’m not ashamed to say that they bring me most of my joy these days!

then there is… NCT. ok, let’s dive into them. nct is the acronym for Neo Culture Technology, they’re currently an 18 member boy group but hey! don’t be scared! they too work in units and have only released one song which features all 18 of them! it is likely that the band will expand later on & that the name NCT will become a brand (like akb48 u know). so far! there are three units! NCT DREAM (based on age, with the youngest members who r still minors), NCT U (the first unit to have debuted, aka nct united, a rotative unit with no fixed genre or members list) and NCT 127 (seoul based unit, fixed, with 9 members). they’re known for their experimentative and diversified sound, which goes from ballads to… this. while each unit have their distinct genre and vibe, they’re all under the same label of nct! and um, check out spotify’s nct playlist if u want! here r some songs that are basics! bolded r the faves! jsyk i hated their music & their clothes @ first bc it’s so unique so dw if u dislike them! 

127: cherry bomb, limitless (gross hair but spectacular song), touch, back to u, 0 mile, sun & moon, angel

dream: my first and last, we young, go, dunk shot, trigger the fever, la la love

u: the 7th sense, boss, baby don’t stop, without you, yestoday

solo tracks/sm station: dream in a dream & new heroes (ten), around (taeyong)

the last group i’ll present in length n that u should know about is SEVENTEEN. they’re a 13 member boy group & work in units as well but mainly promote w all the members! they’re the fun, sweet, talented, heartfelt refreshing boys we all love tbh! so! seventeen debuted in 2015 with the bop adore u and since then it’s been great song over great song… they also have great choreos! they’re the easiest group to listen to imo bc their songs are mostly light and very similar to what you can hear on teen top radios! then, they get stuck in your head very easily! here are some songs u can listen to that will make your day! mansae, very nice, pretty u, clap, don’t wanna cry, change up, n there are many more! some of my faves are when i grow up, trauma, still lonely, rocket, crazy in love, lean on me, and uhgh rlly all of their songs tbh! three units better known as teams: hip-hop, performance and vocal, with a leader in each. they put up great performances!!

then there is shinee, mostly nicknamed the kings of kpop, i’d make a very long desc but! i suggest you to see for yourself as the fandom is v helpful!

here are some boy groups that i rec but wont go in length with: pentagon (i stan!), monsta x (edm, powerful dances), shinee, exo (great vocals, great choreos, v good music), astro (bubblegum but v heartwarming! vocals), day6 (rock band, great songs), wanna one & many more! rlly um bgs arent the thing that’s lacking in kpop! 

a bit in the middle: KARD (mixed group!!! great music & genderless, breaking the usual hardcore is for boys & cutesy is for girls concept)

SOLOISTS

more of a solo person? check out artists like hyuna (ex member of both wonder girls & 4minute), iu, heize (a personal fave!), sunmi (ex member of wonder girls), taemin (member of shinee), amber liu (current member of fx! also released a mixtape recently!) hyolyn or dean… tbh there r many! these r just the ones i can think off the top of my head! theyre honestly easy to listen to so just look up their names on yt & u should find some good things!

if u read all of this!! uhh kudos to u!! it was v long n i didnt expect it to be that long!! 

[davebuckleslefthand]

Email or PhonePassword

Forgot account?

X’s for Eyes

55 people like this Page created - October 12, 2011

55 likes

Related Pages

Dave Buckle Photographer

David Buckle Artist

Carolina Theatre Preservation Commitee Nonprofit Organization

onlizine.net Personal Blog

Van’s Fashion Jewelry Jewelry/Watches

See Moretriangle-down

Pages Liked by This Page

Euro-Trash Girl

The Dangers

Charlotte, North Carolina

Bob’s Ska Radio

Ska

See Moretriangle-down

PagesMediaMusicAlbum

X’s for Eyes

English (US) 

Ad Choices

? none, thank you very little · 

Cookies

?  where? 

  FB©2021

See All

8   X’s for Eyes - Big Fat Zero - Big Fat Zero  1992 9   X’s for Eyes  - Bombadier - You Never Take Me Dancing   1991 10 X’s for Eyes - Break Song - Big Fat Zero  1992 11 X’s for Eyes - Choketone - You Never Take Me Dancing  1991 12 X’s for Eyes - Church And State - Big Fat Zero  1992 13 X’s for Eyes - For What It’s Worth - Big Fat Zero  1992 14 X’s for Eyes - Imposter - You Never Take Me Dancing  1991 15 X’s for Eyes - John's Really Smelly Song - Big Fat Zero  1992 16 X’s for Eyes - Mr FAT cat - You Never Take Me Dancing  1991 17 X’s for Eyes - Pitch White - You Never Take Me Dancing  1991 18 X’s For Eyes - Queen Bee - You Never Take Me Dancing  1991 19 X’s for Eyes - Religious Experience - You Never Take Me  1991 20 X’s for Eyes - Rhythm Trance -You Never Take Me Dancing  1991 21 X’s for Eyes - Rootska - You Never Take Me Dancing  1991  (our gato ‘90-92) 22 X’s for Eyes - Shiny Penny - Big Fat Zero  1992 23 X’s for Eyes - Stickup Artist - You Never Take Me Dancing  1991 24 X’s for Eyes - These Sorrows Wont Drown - Big Fat Zero  1992 25 X’s for Eyes - Treasure Chest -  1992

1 X’s for Eyes - Undermine Big Fat Zero1992 2 X’s for Eyes - Valley Before The Mount - Big Fat Zero1992 3 X’s for Eyes - X's for Eyes!See All

X’s for Eyes

October 9, 2014

 · 

X’s for Eyes

 BY THE TIME 1992 RLLED BSIDE US, WE WERE SET ON DIFFERENT PATHS; but thanks to Lee Davila REMEMBERING:

October 9, 2014

 · 

Like

Comment

Share

See All

Posts

X’s for Eyes

October 3, 2014

 · 

undersrtand people: i felt it is was the best thing to do, waya

part from becoming a Marine, to “get the word out; to exorcize 

such stuff at my destined position. doubt i created any homepage’s attracted a large "fanbase"which had bee n the intent; since creating this conglomeration of talent (musical) in 1990-1 (i just can’t recall) which was my 1985-1989 trumpet instucter’s alma-mater, and things did a working out to provide this 24 year old intent. As teenager; wasn' t very happy about the way things were headed political wise, bu had no voice to express my views. Then the IUMA: Int3rnetUndergroundMusicArchive arrived in my life. Todd Rundgren 

just might have a thin sort of memory, database, spread thingy where 26            years old mind and idea did emote "only from the mind of Dave’s shouts with an initial ability: OUR www Thought to myself: “Well… i had this idea my junior year to create a magazine, or "zine”... much like my friend Dean and Joe from their music act, THE DEAD MILKMEN. Who were at PowerToolsLive off of Buffolo Bayou, downtown Houston. 

So, the hope to "make a band” in SHSU as to make my 1989 hope of being on a stage... just like them; at the very stage as a matter of fact, so it was: only on the direct opposite half of PTL and that was a neat thing, by age 21, to actually do something like that. BUT as the years came and went the 'business’ side of “being in a band” had a bad taste; to me. Feeling blessed to direct you all to where my ideas about music did form from: THE POINTER SISTERS Ruth -Venice, THE DEAD KENNEDYS, THE DEAD MILKMEN, MAYNARD FERGSON, THE THE, THE GO-GO’s, SPRAWL, THE BANGLES, CAMPER VAN BEETHOVEN- CRACKER, HERB ALPERT, CHUCK MAGIONE,   A               1995-7 WEB-CONTACT, TODD RUNDGREN.

NEVER MAD, MAYBE WE DID TRY TO 

EVER MAKE GET MONEY OFF MUSIC. 

THEY’RE MIGHT BE A BOOK IN THIS; 

MIGHT REQUIRE THAT MUCH SPACE 

TO GET THE GIST.

THERE’S NO MONEY IN MUSIC, UNLESS 

YOU SELL YOUR SOUL TO IT. GET A GRIP 

ON THAT TRUTH. Barring talent that jumped

onto COMMERCIAL radio pre 90′s...

laterX’s for Eyes see; i told you, Tiffany, you’d brush it off…

6y

X’s for Eyes

October 2, 2014

 · 

Martial LAW ??? LOGISTICALLY IMPOSSIBLE.. 

there are not enough troops in the USA to implement 

Martial law all over AMERICA.

June 30, 2013 at 4:06am

EVEN IF THE RUSSIANS AND THE CHINESE AND THE 

WHOLE UN MILITARY FORCE SHOWED UP!!

So many of you have been fed disinformation that the cabal 

are waiting for us to act so they can declare Martial Law. This

then becomes the reason you use to permit ourselves  to be in 

bondage now. Its like a slave who says “ I cannot rise …

     33

X’s for Eyes what does this tell U.S.A.?

  X’s for Eyes

September 30, 2014

 · 

frogboyworld sold out, yo no se’ attempting, with my pal, JohnB being fine replacement for my non-useful right hand present.

dig - WELL… let us say dug.

[loverikajeann]

MAT and “recovery” ?

WARNING: I type my thoughts, I don’t necessarily think about grammar or consider spelling...it’s my blog and you’re welcome to have a read just be prepared for the random nonsense. 

-scribblings that only make sense to me I suppose (shrugs)-

Wow. This topic or question rather has been on my mind very single day since I have considered myself to be “CLEAN” . Holy shit I swear this is such a HARD subject for MEEEEEEEE! Maybe because I have relapsed so many times that I question myself if I'm even worth giving it another try? You know what though I can already tell that this route is going to be a lot more successful than any of the other paths I have taken...hey that’s a GREAT idea let me start there!!! THE PATHS THAT I HAVE TAKEN AND FAILED!!!

ok so of course I have done the traditional detox for the week or so and then go into the sober living for the remainder of that time I really didn’t feel as though I was progressing at all. I was constantly reminded that only less than five percent of the class would be successful really, and the rest of us were bound for a relapse. It’s as though they said “ You have wasted your time because you will most likely return sooner or later, but feel proud of yourself because you at least realize and acknowledge that you have an addiction” 

So what did I do? I was sent home with about seven or eight medications...took them like I was supposed to...and little by little I began to abuse them as well. I also started taking KRATUM which let me tell you is practically an OPIATE but it wasn’t controlled..it wasn’t prescribed and sooner rather than later I also abused that, and sooner rather than later I relapsed. Did the whole traditional detox...sober living thirty day program and was again sent home with seven to eight medications to take...and I feel like these meds were absolute BULLSHIT. I mean gabapentin for nerve pain I wasn’t really experiencing. Then muscle relaxer that made me sleepy. Antipsychotic medications to help me “sleep” and it was some pretty heavy shit like Seroquel which I heard can be addictive in itself, and easily abused. Then Buspar for generalized anxiety which I ahve to agree I did feel here and there but I was supposed to take this on a daily basis. And finally Zoloft, which I have to admit was the only medication in my opinion that i felt I truly needed. You know I ended up relapsing again and ended up at the same place for the third and very last time. There was a conference during my last stay at the rehab in where the speaker talked about Suboxone and how they were the miracle drug due to the help of detox as well as the extreme amount of not functioning at all, he made it seem as though anyway. But I looked aroumd the room and said to him “Most of us get used to driving in much worse substances; Heroin, Meth or even worse like Fentanyl and we could drive “JUST FINE!” , anyway all of  began my questioning of what their specific strategy was at this place and pretty much all of the REHAB facilities in southern california and then it came to me like a lightning bolt of IDK something spectacular...you see they dont want to send you home on SUBOXONE because it truly is a FUCKING MIRACLE DRUG!! They’d have this drug that you can honestly take as long as you need it and AS LONG as you do not abuse it. It covers the SAME receptors of any opiate which means it is in the same drug class however it acts THE COMPLETE OPPOSITE in the BRAIN! Meaning it BLOCKS those receptors, you do NOT get a HIGH Or a EUPHORIA effect ( i know sucks, but trust me it’s an important part fo your recovery) and becuase it does the OPPOSITE of what an opiate would do...it fools your brain into thinking that you got your “fix” sort of speak so you dont have any cravings...did you hear me?! YOU DONT HAVE CRAVINGS! you can go about your life and function like a regular adult...work, do family stuff...be NORMAL!! And with the guidance of your doctor, you will slowly be tapered down,. It is a very slow process but it’s done carefully and as long and you and your doc are on the same page you will YOU WILL be successful. MY doctor described it as a “soft landing” it took years for your brain to get “Smashed” like the egg in the commercial, and so it’s going to take years for it to repair. Dr. A described it as a DEEP wound like breaking a femur bone for example...it can’t be repaired in the amount of time of a one week detox right? Or how about thirty days in physical therapy? Doesn’t make semse does it? Well addiction created a big wound like I said, and instead of taking seven or eight meds that I truly dont need like muscle relaxers I am HAPPY TO ANNOUNCE MY CURRENT TREATMENT (thanks to Dr.A) 

ok so....I checked into an ER hospital where they were already expecting me (yes I know VIP treatment is quite nice) I was given subozone after they dii a quick assesment of my current insanity stage and detoxing I had to do. I was sent home with about two weeks worth of SUBS, I take one in the AM and one again in the PM. I was required to enter an outpatient program at the hopsital in Arrowhead, which I think it abosolutely perfect becae we actively participate in our recovery...we do ZOOM meetings twice a week with our counselor. Ok you know know those meds they have you take at a rehab? Like HVRC? Well once you are sent home after a few hours at the ER, not you dont stay over night at all. I got sent hone with just the suboxone. Yes those first few days well the first week even was hell. I was in a lot of pain and I couldnt even move it took me over 24 hours to take a piss, three days or so to even put anything in my mouth! But no meds other than the SUBOXONE! And eventually, I woke up just like you genuinely HAPPY MAN. No cravings at all...not thoughts of using. I focus on the task at hand, I enjoy the day I’m presented with by god. Dr. Avalos said I will be weaned off once I let him know I’m ready meaning this is where I feel mentally strong, physically capable and have the support I need from my family members. And as long as I have NOT been abusing my script meaning not taking more than what I need to and so on, it should be a decent landing. Ofcourse he did say it would not be easy or a piece of cake...there will be some changes in my mood and all of that because yeah who likes going through med changes at all right, but it wont be impossible and like he said as long as I feel strong enough and I am honest about that then I got this! Obviously like anyother opiates he did say you shouldn’t discontinue taking without consulting because yeah it won’t be pretty meaning same detox s/sx do apply as if you were detoxing from any other opiate. So it was simple, just follow the doctors instructions, complete the 90 day outpatient program, get a sponsor and attend NA meetings, work the steps adn eventually be of service. And this time around I am happy to say that it’s WORKING, And thank god that at least if its the whole “Just for Today” speech, I can most def say that “Just for Today: I don’t have to use, I don’t have to get sick, I dont have to lie or cheat or steal..I can enjoy my day freely surrounded by the people who love me and those I love the nost as well.”

-Erika Valdez

[greathotshave]

Flying with Terrence

Every once in awhile, I have been moved to spend a blog post on a friend. So, joining Steve and Dan, is my wingman in gaming for at least the past dozen years, Terrence Miltner. There’s a lot of nerd/geek stuff in this one, so it’s up to you to follow through on links provided for clearer understanding.

I just spent the weekend of March 23-25 with Terrence and Mona in their lovely bungalow in Forest Park, Illinois, to attend Adepticon, a very large convention for wargaming. I’d gotten in late that Thursday night and we had an X-Wing tournament the next morning, but after a generous taste of Papa’s Pilar rum, I felt right at home. The next morning’s conversation was about what pop culture influences we had growing up. Mine was definitely Marvel Comics, his was somewhere between DC and Star Trek: TNG. All in all, I do believe the codes of behavior exemplified by superheroes have served us well.

So, I’ve played games all my life, but other than a semester of playing bridge, the gaming life took an hiatus to life in the mundane world: getting through college, getting married, going to work, making a home, and having a couple of kids. That’s where the gaming life took on a reboot. I had been playing virtual games on our Atari computer for a few years, but face-to-face, in-the-moment play is much more soul satisfying. That restarted when the boys brought home Magic the Gathering cards. This intriguing mix of collectible cards (yes, I’d had plenty of baseball cards in my youth) plus a role-playing game was in my wheelhouse. It also helped that I didn’t mind losing to sons who hated to lose.

During those post-Wonder years, the three of us went through quite a few variations of collectible card games (CCGs). Then came Mage Knight, followed by Hero Clix. I was pretty hopelessly sucked into gaming. When the boys eventually left for college and the Army, I was on my own. I’m fairly resourceful, however, and well-acquainted with the Internet, so I found out that you could play other “kids” in the backrooms of comicbook stores at night and on weekends. The community was probably ten-to-fifteen years younger than me, but that presented no barrier. I got a lot of practice and actually won some games sometimes.

So there’s Terrence, a couple of tables away, playing in a Hero Clix tournament, when he sees me looking at him with a wondering look. He mouths: “ALA?” And we both grin. To have someone to have so many things in common, a specialized language of gaming, makes going to work bearable when all else is in tatters. Over the years, we have introduced each other to an assortment of board games as well as collectible miniatures games (CMGs) as well as sharing the ups and downs of life while at work conferences as well as gaming conferences. We have supported each other during periods of unemployment as well which is a good test of friendship as some people think of the condition as contagious.

In 2015, I was honored to be part of his wedding party, where the theme was the wedding of Sherlock Holmes’s Dr. Watson from the most-recent adaptation, Sherlock, the one with Benedict Cumberbatch. (Terrence is in the middle of that photo, his brother Brian the bookend on the right.) There was no clinking of glasses to get Terrence and Mona to kiss. Your table had to solve a mini mystery! (I would like to make clear that the two of them need no excuses to kiss but they’ve been to enough weddings to know how to circumvent the obnoxious. They are well matched.)

For too short a period, we had a play group that met monthly to try out new board/miniature games or play old favorites. One night I remember well, for playing Battlestar Galactica, a few drinks and we were all role-playing the characters a bit too stridently but there was always a lot of laughter, to be sure. Winning is important but it isn’t the only thing.

Terrence, however, is a gamer of quite a different magnitude than me. Not only in terms of the variety of games played and amount of time playing, but in terms of conference attendance (the above photo of name tag collection should suffice as proof) in support of games and related activities. 

He is a high-ranking member of an organization called Barfleet, which provides a service for the geeks, nerds, and fans of all flavors in the after hours of a convention. 

He recently chaired Capricon after many years as a support person on various committees and has been involved in Worldcon, which facilitates the awarding of Hugos to the best science fiction works of the year.

Terrence has a gift for listening that aids his gift to being able to talk to just about anyone. We were having lunch at Fado in Chicago and decided to have Irish coffee. The bartender boasted that the whiskey was particularly special and Terrence was off to the races. After all, as a Barfleet host, he, too, is a bartender! After some technical discussion about favorites, we received a free shot of named whiskey. Later, Terrence spied the bartender fiddling with a bottle of Jameson that was like 100 years old or whatever. Yep, another free shot for Terrence and his friend. (As Terrence is wont to say, if you’re going to drink all day, you better start early.)

This gift really came home to me as we walked around the booths and corridors of Adepticon this year. (This was the next day, after we both had done abysmally at the Hoth Open X-Wing tournament.)  He knew a lot of people and seemed determined in introducing game designers to vendors or podcasters, which is a growing edge of game development. He is an ambassador of gaming in every sense of that word. 

He also is a true friend. I am blessed indeed.

[chefskissbby]

Learning/Growing

Hello again to whoever (might be no one, for all I know. HAHAHA) may be reading this!!! Wow, finally the torturous semester has ended and we actually have time to breathe!!!!! Year 1 of MCM was… an adventure? A learning experience, for sure (I mean obviously, we’re here to obtain an EDUCATION). I realised many things. To quote @kingkyliejenner (a few years late, but…),

I learnt so much, not just in the academic context, but about myself as well. The point of this post is about one of the many things I realised over the course of the past year.

With reference to the infamous quote by dear Kylie — I, too, like many others, thought this a vapid and dumb statement made by an equally asinine airhead (which I now know she isn’t, because the woman obviously knows how to capitalise on her fame and family name — case in point, Kylie Cosmetics). Surprisingly, this ostensibly silly quote that brought about a myriad of memes, was what I found myself thinking of throughout 2017, whenever I would “realise” something. Maybe I’m more of a bimbo than I thought, for having this sentiment, but really — this “realising things” quote speaks nothing but the truth and one I found so relatable and undeserving of the ridicule it actually received.

And the thing I realised is: I care too much of others’ opinions of me. To be more specific, whether their opinions are positive or negative. But because there are so many aspects of myself in which I care about others’ perception of me, I shall focus on one of the most important (to me, at least. You’re probably going to laugh when you read on… like, where are my priorities, right?) one — my looks. Or rather, how I appear, on Instagram. As of now — or since whenever I started using Instagram, leading up to present time — I’ve only posted pictures in which I looked good (or decent, at least). For birthday dedications (when I do post one), I’d rather just post a picture of my friend if I don’t look good in our picture together, because I believe that posting a picture for him/her in which I look good and they don’t is quite mean and dumb since it’s their birthday. (Although I think “bday dedis” are stupid in general. It is a dumb social obligation that is in no way indicative of one’s relationship with the birthday girl/boy, if they do/don’t post a “dedi” for him/her hahaha) But I digress.

Many a time, I decided against posting photographs from an occasion or event that I really enjoyed and wanted to commemorate on social media because, um. Some moments you don’t want to just immortalise in photographs, but also on social media? IDK LOL. But I didn’t do up a post, because… well, just because I didn’t look good in the pictures. And it was Instagram. Where, societal norms have stealthily ingrained in our young, impressionable minds that we have to look good all the time. And us, naive, self-conscious fools (not that it’s stupid to have insecurities), having internalised this unspoken rule, abided by it faithfully. Or at least I did. Case in point, as aforementioned, earlier in the paragraph.

It’s not just the pressure of looking your best all the time, though. It’s also all the comments of appraisal one would receive whenever he or she posts pictures in which they look fabulous. Don’t get me wrong though, such comments are absolutely pleasant and welcome. (And I’ve been on the receiving end of many, which I am very much flattered by and thankful for!!!!! Y’all are kind people <3)

Why is that??? :-/ Up until my most recent post, I found the alternative — putting up pictures in which one did not look their absolute best — unthinkable. Before posting that, I sent it to my best friend (as I’ve always done), for advice/approval (yes, as dumb as that sounds. I mean, idk. Is it??? I don’t think I’m the only one who does this right….). She wasn’t really keen on how my face looked.. and I agreed. But I went on to post it anyway, because I really liked how my hair and legs looked in it. LOLOLOL. 

Also, said friend — whose identity is fairly obvious to those who know me well but shall remain anonymous anyway (as will all my friends who may or may not be mentioned in future posts because who knows what will happen to this blog? Whether it will take off or flop… it will remain on the Internet forever regardless and everyone knows the Internet, even with all its boons, is a scary place nonetheless. So) — is one of my biggest supporters ever and I love her so much but I really liked that picture so much I went on to ignore her advice which I’ve previously, steadfastly taken and followed, and posted it hahaha. All this while.. I dared not post any picture that she didn’t really think was nice because like I said, she’s my best friend and one of my biggest supporters ever. If even she doesn’t like it.. needless to say, neither will my followers, right? 

It was then, that I got an epiphany. Perhaps a really superficial one, to most of you. But to someone who really cares how she comes off to others (sad, but true), it was a life-changing one. HAHAHA. And it was that I should just post whatever I want, since it’s MY Instagram. Although that’s not to say I’ll start posting nonsense like selfies of me on the throne, or a blurry picture that I took just so I could rant about the rude stranger I bumped into IRL (as I am wont to do, on my other account). But just that I’ll start posting pictures of occasions/people worth commemorating/immortalising on social media. Hopefully, I’ll get better at this aspect of my life (caring what others think) (not that it’s BAD, per se, especially when it comes to stuff like academic matters because it’s always good to receive constructive criticism!!! From educators and peers and whatnot) with age, as with other things!!!

So… yeah. That’s my great big enlightenment. HAHAHAHA. OK lah not really, it’s just something I’ve been thinking about for a while now. Take it as you will!!! This post is by no means a PSA/preaching/my telling you what to think or do. It’s really my reflecting on how I’ve been dumb when it comes to my social media presence, and how I want to improve as an individual!!!!

Till the next time~~

[icharchivist]

New session with A. and T. o/ this time from episode 92 to episode 105, we advanced a lot in the CA arc!

this time I took notes as they spoke so I have... Tons of stuff.

-A: “I’m scared to move on…. we’re at episode 91 and the arc already went to shit so bad i’m worried at how bad it’ll get”

-they forgot who kite was. they had to remember by saying “guitarist legolass”

-T: “The queen shouldn’t be proud of the King i mean it’s a fuckboi, look at that turtle on his head, it’s the shape for a a fuckboi”

-A: “Leol looks like a drummer in Kite’s band”

-A: “I wonder if it would have gone better with responsible adults” Me: “i think that’s why Leorio and Kurapika aren’t there. wait… maybe not Pika.” A: “i love Pika but he’s not what I’d call collected and responsible. Leorio tho...”   -T: “I’m sure Hisoka would have flirted with an ant if he could. or ate one. its like chicken”

-they say they have no pity for the queen ahah. They are WTF over the other baby.

-they got so sad at Gon and Killua crying

-T: “Why is there pipe on a strip tease” A: “there’s a cat a butterfly and a turtle trying to dominate the world and you question the choice of music?”

-A: “It gets so bad already and there’s still 30 episodes of that arc how bad can it gets…”

-A: “the only responsible adult of that arc is Killua and he’s neither an adult nor responsible” 

 -When Gon said he’d do anything for Palm after she said she wanted him to date her, T. spit out his drink and A. facepalmed in a pillow, both laughing “i cant deal with that kid anymore” 

 -A: “does Palm has any other ability aside of being creepy?” 

 -A: “the thing with Gon is that you never know if his ideas are genuis or terrible” T: “you especially dont know when he says “it’s a secret” if he knows what hes gonna do or if he doesnt” 

 -When Killua asks Gon about his dating past:  T. “that… became really gay suddenly” Me: “do you get why people say Killua is gay?” A: “Now yes.” 

 -A: “The presentator on tv has weird eyes…” T: “now she can see in 3D” 

 -A. at Palm and Gon’s date: “i relate to Killua… what a cringe…” 

 -T. at the date: “and let’s play my favorite game: what if we added hisoka to the situation?” A.: “im sure him and Palm would get along” 

 -they yelled at Killua remembering Illumi because of dissociation. they’re worried for him 

 -A., who loves classical ballets, told us that the Zoldyck’s theme is based on a romeo and juliet music 

 -A.: “When the zoldyck music plays, it always end up bad for the adversary…” T.: “It always end bad for everyone in that anime. except for Hisoka and Gon’s father. i dont even remember the name of that asshat.” 

 -After the date, as Killua and Gon shares Chcorobots, A: “Thats it i cant take it anymore i ship them. they are too cute i cant resist them” 

 -A, as Cheetu vs Morel and Knuckle starts: “this arc is such a mess i love it it goes so wrong” 

 -when gon was faced to Kite’s puppet , they started yelling about how no one was stopping him. when Gon started blaming himself, A. threw a hairtie to the screen in frustration. they are worrying for Gon now, feels like he’s losing it. they worry that the adults are using him. like they say “i dont care their reasoning, we’re talking about 12yo. they never saw what gon can do while angry he risked his life on a dodgeball game. it’s dangerous.” 

 -A: “dont tell me they will put rhe two unexperienced kids as a team…” 

 -They are overjoyed to see the Troupe again. A. wanted a showdown between the ants and the troupe. “at least i wont mind if there’s death on both side” 

 -They are disgusted by Pike and they dont get why Zazan is all dominatrix. 

 -“the goth team and the clear hair team” 

 -A: “i understand why you say Shalnark is probably linked to Kurapika, they have the same (lack of) survival instinct” 

 -T: “nice to have some anthropology exploration with that mummy guy" about Beleonov

 -A: “wait is Phinks’s condition really to only turn his wrist? he didnt think too hard about it, and Pika whos putting his life on the line like a moron….”

-A: “im sure kite’s nen was Ging’s idea. it’s a thing with Ging’s idea, it seems terrible and you dont even know if he would himself believe it’d work but it does” 

-Feitan against Zazan: “thats violent…” 

 -A: i dont know what to think of that arc anymore. i dont even know what to comment. 

 -about Kalluto: “it’s killua’s LITTLE BROTHER??? HOW OLD IS HE. 10??? WHY IS HE WITH THE TROUPE” 

 -“are Feitan and the Mummy in a contest of who is gonna blow up the biggest planet” 

 -*seeing the kimera* “is that nina” 

 -A when Phinks blushes when Shal and Feitan makes fun of him for looking for Chrollo: “do everyone has a crush on Chrollo holy fuck” 

 -T: “When it’s to the spiders to be in charge of lifting the weight of the arc….” A: well we wanted responsible adults, we got them” 

 -A. finds impressive how that deep ib the arc, the story is still coherent. the ants are all exploited and you dont feel lost in the substories. she finds it impressive  

-Me: “fun to have a geopolitic story in a furry arc” A: “i wonder what the next arcs will be. will there be a cooking arc” Me: “i mean, isnt it the cooking arc? “ A: *splilling her drink*”… you know what i dont say anything anymore” 

 -A:“… was the Queen on drugs when she created Shaiapouf?”

 -A: “i think i hate (pitou) more than hisoka…. i mean hisoka, you get used to him. she…. is too unsettling and sh’es too cute it makes me uncomfortable” T: “well i mean… hisoka is a p/edophile…”  A: “i mean true but at least you can predict hidoka, she replies to orders. you can discuss with Hisoka, not with her. Like how Pika talked with him” Me: “well then with Pika it was all on Hisoka’s intend...” T: “well you can discuss with him if you’re a teen” A: “Okay true but you can have an ally with hisoka at times. with Pitou, nah” 

 -T “now i thought hisoka was coming”  Me:“if he was in this arc he would have had the boner of the century” T: “thanks Chloé” 

 -when Gon trusted Meleoron right away “what the fuck with that kid. me too Meleoron” 

 -when Ikalgo appeared in that first corpse and started singing, T started laughing and loving him and almost spilled his drink, and A. burried her face in a pillow saying “i dont even know what to say anymore…” 

 -as Killua catches ikalgo: A-: i love this kid T: me i love this octopus omg 

 -as Ikalgo says he wanted to be a squid: A: “how can it be that fun, that wtf and that tragic at once?” 

 -T: i really love that octopus A: i really love that kid 

 -T is determinates and really really love the octopus :’) 

 -the darts game started and A . started to pull very worried faces 

 -When Gon says he will kill Meleoron if he betrays him, A:“this kid really scares me…. he always scared me.”

-they’re cheering as Killua won against the orsos bros and faked his death 

 -turns out T. plays darts too so as Killua was explaining how he survived, he kept figuring how it made sense 

 -they were tense as Killua almost died and they both left out a gasp as Killua apologized about not being of use for gon 

 -they adore Ikalgo, both of them and now they worry he’ll die 

 -A. keeps reading Meleoron as Melanchon, a french politician she doesnt like. we compared that politician to Leol 

 -A. saw Komugi and gasped because “oh no i saw her on your blog”. I’ve been yelling at her to stop looking at my blog and her reaction was “but I’d have to stop using tumblr!”. rood. 

 -T.’s mother walked in after a scene with Meleoron and with the King and she started laughing, not understanding what was going on, just surprised by the designs. she finds the plot about the games to be fun ahah 

 -Morel just told Cheetu he lost because hes an idiot and they both applauded 

-at the King trying to destabilize Komugi and failing T: “well it’s turning against him hes getting destabilized” A: “she controls him so much”

 -When the King ripped his own arm, they both gasped and A. froze and yelled “WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED” 

 -A: “the king is acting reckless and hurts himself… sounds so much like Gon.”  

-A loves how Komugi is in total control of the King ahah 

 -Me at the king's arm being ripped: "hxh and the constant abuse of arms". A. "ye i saw your posts about it. im still baffled by how much of them belongs to Gon"

For the most part, they seemed to like it! A. Kept repeating it was such a mess and she loved how much of a mess it was. It was getting worse and worse and they are seriously getting worried about the situation at hand. 

They are really, really involved in the arc and I’m so glad. For a lot of people I dragged in hxh (and.. me included to some extend) the ca arc was the hardest to get into, and I’m really glad they’re enjoying it that much.

They are looking forward for more and are impressed to have gone this far in the serie.

Despite the fact we skip opening/ending/previews (not my own will, they really don’t wanna see them dkjfhd shame for the previews but oh well) they keep singing the opening theme too. That’s fun :’D

So ye, a good session, a ton of fun, they liked it :D

See you all in another session o/

[toussainttomove]

I was blind now I see I am enjoying the jewels  Founded in me From guidance oF The All-miGHTY

Howdy 

I haven’t done an official blog post in a while so here goes. Rather Here Comes Trouble. hahaha 

I am sat in Sadlers Wells gearing up for Wild Card this Thursday. Watching the lovely energetic Keira Martin run through her solo. After settling and really just grounding into the fact we have arrived to this moment. 

In hind sight we gaze at the reality at how we got here and why we are here. The amazement we both feel at the fact we’re here. Although the fact of the matter is this is not the roof. The sky is the limit and with that being the case we digress but I insist we must digress with new eyes........ 

At a conference last week organised by Serendipity in Leicester called Let’s Dance International Frontiers. A lot was discussed around Black Dance in Britain rather Black Dance (Dance created out of African Origin) in the world. I recall a presentation by Kwesi Johnson who said “If you keep doing the same thing you must expect the same result” (or something around those lines). Over all his talk really inspired me to keep going but innovate!!!!!

I felt I couldn’t keep going. 

Keep pushing to be in an industry where at times i don’t feel valued or valid. Being in an industry where the things I want to make work about challenges the status quo. Being in an industry where my job title is more than dancer/choreographer. Its project manager/artistic director/marketing manager/accountant/musician/movement director. 

And then I have to find time for family. Being in an industry where I am mostly feeling alone and tired. 

These were my thoughts for the past 2-3 months especially after the birth of my daughter whom I now have to be responsible for. How am I to provide for this person? In an industry where Im on the fence half the time? Hence I auditioned for Hamilton, got a recall but then didn’t get it. But if i got it this would of been a different blog post.

These thoughts started to dim thanks to recent events:

First going to the conference experiencing dancing with my Brothers & Sisters from Haiti and Norway. Listening to inspirational Artist of colour from around the world and from generations before me speak their truths. I feel refuelled to carry on but more so to change my dependancy and to not stick to the known avenues of how this system currently seems to work. I choose to no longer believe my voice is only in an echo chamber and I choose to no longer believe I wont be supported in the long run. 

I have a fear that I am a fad or fashion just passing through this season but I cannot live with this state of mind. I am beyond the industry because I believe so and nothing can change that. I choose to make my work hard to swallow, hard to define, hard to turn off because the world is the way it is so why not mimic the times. 

I don’t understand art based trivially and only on simple escapism there is always a truth of society to tell when making. The world needs this. The reality still remains in terms of the things which annoy me in this industry and type of career I've chosen however I have a new feeling and instinct that knows the race is only just beginning and this feeling today is only momentarily so I must enjoy each and every one of them. Good and Bad. 

My tribe and I went away for the weekend. This was great. Its something I don’t do much and its something i could never afford way back in the day. We went to the country side and went to a National Forest for a bit, it was nice to turn off and show little Nyrah some trees which she found very interesting. Seriously im in love with my daughter im already dreading having to be nice to boys who want to ask her out as they will as I did to many girls when I came of age. OMG scary thought!!!!!! This reminded me that life is beautiful in how our perception can be grabbed and that we should value the good times we get to have with new people and the ones dear to us. 

I started to reflect more and realise ive come a long way. In five years although I don’t see any awards and I haven’t as yet been commissioned to make anything on any dance companies and all the stuff that is still in my head to be made I still cant see how they will be made. but im going to try!!!!

What I have done so far is incredible!!!!

I not only danced in numerous performance (not just dance) companies and toured around the world. I made a solo about my life and a serious issue to do with society period not potent just now but forever. I h=can do my solo forever if I want to.  

I have toured my own work for two years to15 venues across the country. All done from my brain a laptop and cultivated a bag of support. Yes there are politics around why it was me and no one else yes there are politics to do with the industry heads and how they chose and venues and producers and programmers. All those things but none the less I've put so much work in and I have seen results the results is the fact I am still here. I have a healthy mailing list, I have great outcome of audiences regularly, I teach regularly and I can even give other people work. Ive had three successful arts council applications one of which I wrote entirely by my self, literally had no help with the Snakebox project and I organised my first tour by my self. 

Im saying we must count our blessings. Before we call it quits and get frustrated with where we think we are and where we think we should be. Remember where you have been. I was a kid in Jamaica who would walk home after school with a bunch of my friends and we’d take different routes just so walking home would take longer and that we could explore. Taking the long way so we know the ins and outs of where we are. 

Am I doing this with my career??? I dunno. If there is a short route would I have taken it? No I don’t think so. This route is teaching me who to listen to its teaching me who people want me to be verses who I am and who I am to be. Its teaching me about how the imperialism I learned only lightly about in Jamaica in Primary School lives and breaths in this society, in its arts institutions, in its everyday and I am learning to be the Black Panther camouflaged in the dark depths of the unknown, a cosmic blackness which is my cloak of safety and strength. it gives me prevision to step into every and any room and turn the tides in my favour. 

iF YOU ARE AT A STAGE IN WHATEVER YOU DO AND YOU THINK YOU CANT KEEP GOING??? ITS OKAY. YOU’VE GOT THIS. IT MAY NOT BE THAT YOU HAVE TO KEEO GOING THE SAME WAY MAYBE START GOING A DIFFERENT WAY. YOU WERE RUNNING STRAIGHT INTO THE CORE OF THE SUN. 

HAVE YOU EVER TRIED TO TAKE TWO STEPS FORWARD, THEN STOP AND WAIT, BLINK, TAKE TWO LOOKS EITHER SIDE OF YOU BEFORE YOUR NEXT STEP???

PHOTO CREDIT DANIEL PHUNG PHOTOGRAPHY X