#growing up i hated how the only 2 love interests given to her were inherently faulty

[phir-milenge]

sanyukta means so much to me, you have no idea how she altered my brain chemistry at 13years when i discovered Sadda Haq and saw the story of an indian girl pursuing mechanical engineers against the backdrop of her unsupportive family, patriarchal traditions at her engineering university and her unsupportive peers.

[horizon-verizon]

hello, i read this www.tumblr.com/universallyexpertfan/753881321066168320/firstlet-me-be-clear-daemon-is-loyal-to-rhaenyra?source=share The op made interesting takes, but I doubt the court would corrupt Rhaenyra and Daemon's children so easily. I mean, they are good kids but at the same time paranoia is real, power corrupts people, and certainly it would be a bigger mess (a civil war between rhaenyra's children) more horrible given that she,in opposite of viserys, did not have favorites (although i think she had) what do u think?

Excerpt that Matters:

Important note :Rhaenyra and daemon are clearly better parents than viserys and Alicent. The children all love each other and team black is clearly a very big and happy family. But then Viserys doted upon Rhaenyra so much yet when Alicent birthed two sons she was worried sick that she will be replaced as an heir. So it's totally possible that jace and luke felt that same fear and anxiety when they saw Aegon iii with his valyrian features. The siblings relationship between team green children is eternally cracked and one of the biggest contributor to that was the court of kings landing. I am a team black person all the way but i have to say that the reason why team black kids are so close to each other is because they are in dragonstone. They have no idea about the viper's nest that is king's landing even without the greens. The court has always been ruthless. [...] Jace is a very patient person but power brings a lot of paranoia with it. Jace loves his little brothers with all his heart but the constant murmur of the people around would eventually give birth to resentment or at least some self hatred. Meanwhile Aegon iii would grow and the snakes of kings landing would obviously try to get into his head and tell him that he is the firstborn son of Daemon and he's not a Bastard unlike his brothers. A child will reflect the environment that they grew up in. And even if aegon iii could not be persuaded i know Viserys ii could be. And i know that because book Viserys ii was a political menace who cared about only 2 things the targaryan bloodline and his brother.

Viserys' Character =/= Rhaenyra's Character

But then Viserys doted upon Rhaenyra so much yet when Alicent birthed two sons she was worried sick that she will be replaced as an heir.

I have a lot of posts on Viserys' characterization, bk or show. Here's a list:

LINK -- "What Viserys really did was to try to maintain a balance between his wife & his daughter, because he just inherently hated conflicts, had already married Alicent (so he didn't know she'd be so persistent), loved her AND Rhaenyra was his miracle child from the woman he probably feels very guilty about." -- Viserys was very focused on making sure that as many different people with different interests in him at different times were satisfied with how he ran things, which is why he often putting down Rhaenyra and Daemon's more norm-divergent ideas and behavior. Rhaenyra is decidely not like Viserys, she does not and will not compel her children to follow contradictory and fruitless orders or arrangements. She's more the type, bk or show, to try to listen to her kids' protests and reason through it. You might think Viserys was the same in Rhaenyra's youth in the show....no, the man decided to marry Alicent knowing Rhaenyra would have...words and didn't want to deal with that. He had options, do something like the Maiden's Day Ball but with more class. There is him breaking the deal or reneging on the deal with her about dismissing Otto for her to "happily" marry Laenor instead of trying to push for her marriage to be delayed--he brought Otto back. Which decidely endangers Rhaenyra's place at court bc now Otto is in close proximity to plot better. Of which Viserys knows but he also refuses to really confront that Otto and maybe others would go against his wishes if they had the chance. He in general hopes that others will play the game exactly as he would.

While it may seem that bk!Rhaenyra was like Viserys in that she also relies on her position or she seemed as ineffectual as Viserys in the Rosby-Stokeworth, etc. that was an actual precarious political situation unlike Viserys who again had options in a few of his own decisions, that is more to advocate for herself in a situation where not much else aside from her dragon does. She is also not desperate for others approval as Viserys was, not so. So she will not ignore those closest to her or force them into compromising positions--Viserys was not paranoid, he was just careless; her paranoia (which may or may not have even been as bad as it is told by maesters and different anecdotes to be) stemmed from actual events at least of betrayal as well as the justified fear of losing her mainly male supporters clashing.

The Kids' Upbringing/Characters

I am a team black person all the way but i have to say that the reason why team black kids are so close to each other is because they are in dragonstone.

That's a whole lot of assumption there. One, that even other siblings who don't grow up together absolutely 100% of the time willi backstab each other or suspect the other.

As for all the problems about the siblings turning on each other bc of pressures, kinslaying is so taboo it's not even funny. Maegor's shadows lingers...Rhaenyra already (assuming she is successfully Queen before any of her kids are monarchs) had to contend with that particular accusation without actually having kinslayed bc she was a woman, but now we're dealing with boys and there is no sign of proof that any of Rhaenrya's supporters cared abt her kids maybe being bastards. None. Don't forget, Cregan Stark and Jeyne Arryn, why they themselves decided to support Rhaentya AND her heirs...I doubt that Cregan or his direct children (unless something situationally coincidental happens) would prevent them from supporting Jace...esp if you believe the Pact of Ice and Fire existed b/t them, forever locking them and their kids in oaths that Starks apparently don't tend to break. "What if we get a Stark who doesn't care or is held back?" Again, this ignores that Rhaenyra had many more allies than just the Starks and Jace was her defacto heir...like Joffrey, she would have also made it so to make him her heir apparent de jure. Not to mention Jace married Baela, Luke married Rhaena (in this hypothetical). Luke would be Lord of the biggest naval force there is while beign brother to Jace; both their wives are granddaughters of a dragonrider (assuming Rhaenys is alive) who's not sitting idle if her grandkids are getting attacked. Even if it was just Baela, not sitting out. Baela and Rhaena both would also be dragonriders...if Aegon and Viserys both foolishly decided that they were now wanting to become kings, they are vastly outpowered.

Even if Aegon and Viserys were or grew up to be inclined to rebel or try to take their brother's seat...who exactly is trying to turn them against him and how much influence do they really have or how jealous & emotionally distant do these two boys have to become for them to be willing? Why and how did they become so influenced as Daemon Blackfyre, who unlike them, lived in a household of misery and emotional distance bc the father wanted to overindulge himself at the expense of those around him AND his mother was forced to live in the shadows and lose her birthright to a religious zealot of a brother. Brynden's generation comes from competeing women and their families' interests--Aegon IV's mistresses, that is. The Brackens and Blackwoods were already long-born enemies! There was absolutely no unity in this generation, unless we speak of the BryndenxShiera-Daeron II untis? Still, divided and comparatively to greens vs blacks...which we all know what heppened there.

It's such an assumption made from the belief that people grow to want power just for the sake of it more times than to find validation. it take s for granted the perceived norm of step relations and bastardry. We need a journey/explanation of character development to really prove why Aegon and Viserys would turn with how they grew up so differently from other noble children and esp in relation to their older stepbrother/half brothers who I don't believe for a min that they thought of as such but just "brothers". Very Valyrian, tbh. Like rhaenin-time says here:

In Valyria, "step" anything didn't have the same sort of value as Andal-FM step-relations.

Jace grew up both with much more people backing him up AND he, Luke, Joffrey are growing/were growing with stronger sense of self bc they were growing up in that sort of alternative space in their formative years. As I say below, Viserys (II) either needed more time to cook, he grew up with a suppressed fear of chaos that motivated him towards the "easier" path and because most of his life he had to essentially clean up his family's messes as their second, AND

i know Viserys ii could be.

Viserys had a whole different life from his other brothers--he was literally kidnapped and forced to grow up in a foreign land, as safe as he technically was. He lost most of the family and a chance of a dragon bond--he is more dissociated from Rhaenyra than any of his siblings, which is why he's the more adamant about maintaining the succession practice and family line arrangements that coincide with the lay of Andal customs--so another succession crisis doesn't erupt. We can't make as his he is a good example at all to evaluate the others who lived longer and had a stronger impression of Rhaenyra's influence and authority than he did. Given more time, we also don't know if Viserys would have been more amenable to an alternative succession plan for himself...

This all speaks to a reduction of Rhaenyra's/a ruling mother's influence over her own kids, tbh. Fact is, we'll simply not ever know.

Even if she did have a "favorite", how she'd handle her kids while having one is not likely going to be the same as how Viserys did.

It's kinda like the Queen Elizabeth I vs her son Charles and how they dealt with family intrigue or public faces and how we see a clear difference there. Under a more family-conscious/prioritized woman, the royla family didn't really go through terrible public crises and yes there are some secrets that deserve some digging up....with Charles, it's every fucking month.

And I'm talking about critically healthier dynastic, internal unity that comes from a good parent being firm but fostering strong bonds between the kids no matter the environment bc they themselves or more or less adjusted, adaptable, and have a strong enough will to establish boundaries wherever their family goes.

So honestly, it bleeds a lack of faith in this unique family. Is the possibility 0% there won't be some sort of trouble, sure. When in life is there ever a perfect 0% or a perfect 100%? But also we can and often do make good guesses on probability through our observation and rely on said material evidence that we use to make our conclusions that we base our decisions on. These characters are capable of the same as well as a change of values but we need to ties those changes and developments to actual specific events that build up on each other for them to turn out the way they do when the evidence before suggested that such a thing was unlikely.

So the other problem I see there is that the person is making a lesser possibility into an unavoidable or very likely probability without giving much evidence and relying on assumptions based on traditional observations from conventional family patterns that this family simply deviates from in many ways. Therefore, again, you need material evidence that Aegon Viserys = Daemon Blackfyre or this "bastard" situation is the exact same as all the others apart from your own assumptions. It all seems overly cautious, nonanalytical, too avoidant-focused--ironically is what Viserys I did. You gotta pursue the implications of the difference sometimes further than the environment. We are not all our environment and we aren't always so affected by it as to go wherever others wish for us to go.

And I partially blame HotD, bc they really made it so that we can't even speculate much abt the boys' parentage as much as we could book-wise since Rhaenys was dark haired from her Baratheon mother and some Targs even before Rhaenyra's generation came out with nontypical Targ features: Alysanne and Alyssa. And we don't get to see how people out of the court saw things. I'm talking about the impression on the audience made through scenes HotD could have built to establish to contextualize and make stakes for how the greens v the blacks interacted and competed in court and out for political dominance before the actual war. Who favors who and why?

[starbornsinger]

Elriel/Gwynriel/Elucien Theory Time :)

Ok so in regards to the Az POV chapter, I have some thoughts. This is super long and detailed and also tearing down ships, so uh, beware.

⚠️ACOSF spoilers (duh)⚠️

So I was re-reading the thing and as I was reading the conversation between Az and Rhys, it kind of hit me. I used to be an Elriel shipper until ACOSF, and I was really all for it.

But I don't think they're in love.

See, earlier in the chapter, Az is thinking about how jealous he is of the other couples. We know he isn't very lucky in love, and seeing Elain and her mate and their mating bond upsets him. I think he fancies Elain because she's beautiful and sweet, but I don't think he's in love with her. I think she's another thing he can't have, and he feels frustrated and it only makes him want her more. Because he thinks, why shouldn't he have her? Why is the Mother so cruel as to deny him love? And he thinks, "well all my other brothers have Archeron mates, why don't I? It must be a mistake!"

I think what Azriel's biggest issue is though, is that he wants love so bad, he's willing to risk it all for the first girl he feels attraction too. It also feels relevant that the primary thing we see in his POV is his physical attraction to her, his sexual attraction. We don't see much of how he thinks she's so sweet or so clever or so gentle, but instead how nice her tits are and how badly he wants to kiss and fuck her. I think he doesn't particularly want Elain, and while he likes her, I think what he really wants is love. True love, just like his brothers and friends. He thinks the Mother must be wrong because they both got Archeron sisters while he didn't, and his attraction to Elain makes him wish they were Mates so he could finally have that true love that's entirely his own.

But she's not. And he can't. I think what Azriel wants most isn't Elain. He wants her sexually, and he admires her and has a crush on her, but the thing he focuses on and gives him the most emotion is that she has a Mate and he doesn't, and that everyone does but him. I think he wants someone like Elain and wants to feel happy, but I think he doesn't exactly want Elain. When he thinks of her, he doesn't seem to be truly in love as we've seen other SJM couples are. And sure, it's early, but it's also been like— 2 years. I don't think they're in love sadly, I think Azriel just wants to move on from Mor and finally find love. He has a type, and when he found someone who loosely fit into the mold of his ideal partner, he jumped at it because he's desperate to have someone love him. All his life, he's struggled with self-love and love from others, and I think that it's deeply affected his relationship with love itself.

Physical attraction and desire and interest isn't love. And the idea of her being mated already only makes him mad— that of course the first girl he likes for the first time in 500 years, of course the girl that could help him move on from Mor, is mated. I think that only makes him feel more passionate towards her; and Rhys notes how he seems to think he has a claim to her, when he doesn't. It makes Az angry, not because Rhysand thinks he's being possessive and reckless, but because it's true. He genuinely can't have her.

As for Elain, I think she's far too hesitant to be with him. She reminds me of Daisy in The Great Gatsby, and how she claims to love Jay but she won't leave Tom, or jilt him. Now this is a different situation, because Daisy was selfish and didn't want to give up her comforts and stability and fame. Elain, on the other hand, doesn't seem ready to have a serious relationship with Az. I think she is still severely affected by Graysen's rejection, and is still clearly not over him. I don't think she's ready to accept Az fully and be with him, and I also don't think she's ready to reject her mating bond with Lucien.

I don't know 100% what's going on with Elain, but what I do know is that clearly she is intrigued by Lucien in some capacity. Ok Elriel shippers, don't come for me, but there are several scenes in which Elain seems to want to talk to Lucien, or whatever the heck. But also seems disinterested, like when she dismisses his Solstice gifts and doesn't speak to him.

However, I don't think she's resentful towards him exactly, or at least that isn't the main reason she's like this. While we know he was helping Tamlin lowkey, Feyre and the IC all understood he was on their side, and was their friend. So it seems kind of odd to still bear a grudge against him, but who knows.

But funnily enough, she has yet to reject their mating bond. If she's so disinterested, or hates him so much, why hasn't she turned him down? Mother, she's barely spoken to him at all. I think the obvious reason behind her disdain or distancing from Lucien is her connection to Graysen and her human life. Of all the sisters, Elain has not yet adapted to or accepted that she is Fae— or if she has, she's sure as hell not happy about it. Even Nesta in ACOSF mentioned how she actually likes her ears now, and we know Feyre has totally accepted being Fae. But with Elain, she had the most human connected life of them all, and to have it taken away from her is shitty.

For Elain, her happiness seems to come from a love of gardening, of family, of people. She has very little human things to hold onto, and adding a Mating bond to the mix right as she's made Fae is like she's had all her humanity stripped. She doesn't hate Lucien, she hates the bond. She dislikes that it's chained her to someone and taken away her choices, which we know is a big deal for the sisters after being imprisoned, kidnapped, and Made. I think Elriel is an infatuation, because even though she doesn't love Az, he's helping her rebound from Graysen (and giving her control and power over her love life). He's a choice she (can't really) make, but a choice nonetheless. With Lucien, she feels she has no choice with him, and no control over her obvious attraction I say obvious because mates have a primal attraction of some level to each other , and is probably afraid that accepting the Mating bond will remove any last connections she has to who she used to be, and the human she feels she really is.

But she also hasn't rejected it, because I think she realizes that Lucien is a genuine and kind and hot guy, and that rejecting him would be a stupid idea. He's been very patient and very kind and accepting, and has always given her the freedom of choice when it comes to the bond. I think Lucien is the kind of guy that would be very easy to fall in love with, and I think Elain sees that and knows it.

Also, I think with ACOSF, it feels relevant that Cassian pointed out specifically how Elain looked beautiful in black at the ball, but it looked horribly wrong on her. With SJM the devil is always in the details, and I think it was a clearly accentuated bit of symbolism. Although Elain looks beautiful, the black dress wasn't for her. And although Elriel is very sweet, it won't work out. She won't thrive in the Night Court, or with Azriel. Az doesn't challenge her or meet her as an equal (like all other SJM ships), and they don't push each other to be better or to accept themselves or whatever etc etc.

And I really used to like Elriel, but I think that surprisingly, Elain will be the one who says "stop, I can't do this" to Az. I think she knows she isn't ready, and I think she knows they aren't meant to be. Even if a Mating bond was put in place between her and Lucien, I still think their relationship wouldn't work because they're both too insecure, too closed off, too non-communicative, and too stagnant together to be a healthy or good match. I think with Elain they would struggle to understand each other even if they were fond of each other and can relate on some level, but at its rawest form I think they won't truly be able to be themselves with each other.

With Elain, Azriel's shadows— a key part of him— disappear. While I initially thought, awww that's so cute, she's a light in his life, I soon realized I was wrong. Az's shadows are not just a part of him, they're an extension of him, of his will and subconscious and emotions. So Elain chasing them away, while chasing away the shadows and darkness seems cute, isn't a good thing. Most of the time with shadows, we think "ew bad!" Because they have an inherent connotation of negativity or sorrow or depression or darkness etc etc. And while this is partially true, Azriel's shadows and darkness are a part of him. His sadness and struggles are a part of him. And his shadows aren't just representative of that, they're also a representation of how he overcame his abuse and turned that fire (pun unintended) and anger and trauma into something beautiful and powerful and a weapon. I think they can serve as an armor and a shield, and while that's not good, I also don't think they should fully disappear.

More on that: with Azriel's shadows, we know they're a part of him, right? So I think an important part of self is self-regulation. Rather than be consumed entirely by shadow, or totally exposed to the light, I think he just needs his shadows to be calm and present, but not controlling or hiding. I think the whole "Elain bringing him out of the shadows" bit sounds cute at first, but then you have to think of it like this. In order to be with Elain, he would have to change. He couldn't be a spy or a shadowsinger or a torturer, and he couldn't be dark and introverted. With her, he has to push that aside. Those are key parts of him, key parts that would have a big impact on their relationship. Elain can't be with someone with so much blood on their hands or a history of violence or darkness. We know that, because we know that sort of thing upsets her and she doesn't like it.

Azriel can't just be himself with her, he has to become someone else. And while he's attracted enough to not care, after awhile, that grows exhausting. Being in love and not being your true self, all of it, is exhausting. And while some might argue "why can't he be his true self?!" well my slime, I think we both know that even if we wanted him to, Elain would be silently resigned about it. I don't think— no, I know— Elain can't be with someone like Azriel. Even if they have feelings, even if they have lust or affection, it isn't love. They aren't in love, and they won't work out no matter how much we want it to.

Onto Elain: with Elain, this all ties back to what Cassian said in Hewn City. She looks beautiful in black, but it's wholly wrong for her. The Night Court is wrong for her, and darkness is wrong for her. While some yin-yang relationship tropes can work very well, I don't think this will. She doesn't like the darkness or accept it, and she doesn't want to be a part of it. I think the Night Court is good and happy for her when she makes her own little garden world, and only then, really. It's like living in the middle of the desert and only thinking of the beach: it's not the right place for her.

I think the Spring Court needs her, and I think she needs it. Here's more on that.

So we've seen the set up and execution of the fall of the Spring Court. We know that it's in shambles and is weak and needs a new/better leader than Tampon. I feel like SJM is setting things up for a new book focused in the Spring Court, because in a lot of ways, it's becoming the centerpiece for action in Prythian (aside from the Night Court). I genuinely believe that as Tamlin's second, Lucien will take over the Spring Court as High Lord. He doesn't fit in with Autumn, didn't fit in with Night, and wasn't really a part of Spring. But with Spring, it was where he was happy, where he felt safe, and the home he chose. Chosen homes and chosen families are a big deal for SJM, and I think that Lucien will return to the Spring Court to try and help it, because Mother knows it needs it. I think Elain belongs there, not only because she needs to be in an environment suited to her, but because she needs to heal.

We've seen a theme of helping others heal in order to heal ourselves, and I think a good book idea (and what I think an Elain book would be about), is healing the Spring Court and helping it. Elain is a gardener. She wants to see things grow and blossom, wants to get her hands dirty and dig in! But she can't do that in the NC. I think she needs something new and fresh and blossoming that she can help and tend to, and I think the person that can be at her side for that is Lucien. I think with Azriel, she can't see growth and life and flowers. He's a different kind of person, far too different, and the two wouldn't mesh well. Elain isn't like Persephone and Azriel isn't like Hades; although she's flowers and he's death and they're attracted to each other, they don't fully accept those roles and cross into each other's. Elain could never be a killer or someone who wears black or thrives in a darker place, and Azriel couldn't be someone who is in the full heat of the light and wear bright colors and be cheerful and flowery. In a dream world, yes, but I think in this one, no. SJM loves to create realistic relationships and realistic relationship conflict, and I think we'll see this here. Even though they want it to work, and in theory it should, it won't. I think they know it too. Azriel's shadows vanish when she's around, and Elain struggles to feel comfortable in the darkness and Night Court, and fit in with the others in the black dress that is wholly un-Elain.

I also think that this relationship doesn't bring development to the table. The forbidden love concept is adorable and a trope I love, but this love isn't one that will push them to grow. Azriel can feel loved and happy, but can he feel fully accepted? Can he stop being ashamed of his shadows, of his violence? Of who he is? Can Elain break out of her shelf and be more assertive, and truly grow and change? Can she be herself and be happy? The answer is a sad no. Their relationship is sweet and cute, but it won't truly work. I genuinely believe Lucien is a better match for Elain, and while the Cauldron isn't always right (like Rhysand's parents), it usually is. If he isn't, then I'm all for independent Elain.

Now onto the moment you've all been waiting for: who should Az be with?

Gwyn. :)

[batboys-batboys]

I’ve recently witnessed some discourse in the fandom in which the OP called Nesta an abuser and offered thoughts on the relationship dynamic she has with her sisters vs with Emerie and Gwyn, the Valkyries she now refers to as sisters. Someone commented on said post and asked when Nesta had abused Elain. There’s inherent bias in this post as I really like Elain’s character in the books but for the purposes of this post only CANON will be referenced.

First off, let me preface this by saying I love Nesta as a character, but I don’t put her on any kind of pedestal for a multitude of reasons. Also, please let me know if you’d like for me to retag this in any particular way as this is my first serious post.

Here we go…

Chapter 17

Silver lined Elain’s eyes, but her voice remained steady, sure. “There was nothing that could have been done to save him, Nesta.”

The words were kindling. Elain had accepted his death as inevitable. She hadn’t bothered to fight for him, as if he hadn’t been worth the effort, precisely as Nesta knew she herself wasn’t worth the effort.

This time, Nesta didn’t stop the power from shining in her eyes; she shook so violently she had to fist her hands. “You tell yourself there’s nothing that could have been done because it’s unbearable to think that you could have saved him, if you’d only deigned to show up a few minutes earlier.” The lie was bitter in her mouth.

It wasn’t Elain’s fault their father had died. No, that was entirely Nesta’s own fault. But if Elain was so determined to root out the good in her, then she’d show her sister how ugly she could be. Let a fraction of this agony rip into her.

This was why Elain had chosen Feyre. This.

Feyre had rescued Elain time and again. But Nesta had sat by, armed only with her viper’s tongue. Sat by while they starved. Sat by when Hybern stole them away and shoved them into the Cauldron. Sat by when Elain had been kidnapped. And when their father had been in Hybern’s grip, she had done nothing, nothing to save him, either. Fear had frozen her, blanketing her mind, and she’d let it do so, let it master her, so that by the time her father’s neck had snapped, it had been too late. And entirely her fault.

Why wouldn’t Elain choose Feyre?

Elain stiffened, but refused to balk from whatever she beheld in Nesta’s gaze. “You think I’m to blame for his death?” Challenge filled each word. Challenge—from Elain, of all people. “No one but the King of Hybern is to blame for that.” The quaver in her voice belied her firm words.

Nesta knew she’d hit her mark. She opened her mouth, but couldn’t continue. Enough. She had said enough. That fast, the power in her receded, vanishing into smoke on the wind. Leaving only exhaustion weighing her bones, her breath. “It doesn’t matter what I think. Go back to Feyre and your little garden.”

Even during their squabbles in the cottage, fighting over who got clothes or boots or ribbons, it had never been like this. Those fights had been petty, born of misery and discomfort. This was a different beast entirely, from a place as dark as the gloom at the base of the library.

Not the blatant belittlement with that “little garden” comment. Trust me when I say I know intrusive thoughts and that this was early on in Nesta’s mental journey but still. This is her, CANONICALLY, preying on Elain’s emotions about what happened with their father and Hybern. We know that Nesta went through a lot of self-hate in this book but that whole “Let a fraction of this agony rip into her” was uncalled for. Elain went to see her sister, whom she admires and recognizes as her protector, only to get chewed out. Don’t get me wrong, I’m aware that Nesta didn’t want her there but Nesta was unable to control her emotions and consciously sought to hurt Elain with her words. (Not that she’s not hurting/hating herself too I mean just read the underlined part.)

Chapter 21 (sidenote: this chapter needs to be talked more about in the fandom)

Post Nesta refusing to let Elain find the Trove and the “Shall I tend to my little garden forever?” moment. (iconic btw)

Nesta’s pulse pounded throughout her body. “Do you not remember the war? What we encountered? Do you not remember the Cauldron kidnapping you, bringing you into the heart of Hybern’s camp?”

“I do,” Elain said coldly. “And I remember Feyre rescuing me.”

For a heartbeat, it appeared that Elain might say something to soften the words. But Nesta cut her off, seething at the pity about to be thrown her way. “Look who decided to grow claws after all,” she crooned. “Maybe you’ll become interesting at last, Elain.”

Nesta saw the blow land, like a physical impact, in Elain’s face, her posture. No one spoke, though shadows gathered in the corners of the room, like snakes preparing to strike.

Elain’s eyes brightened with pain. Something imploded in Nesta’s chest at that expression. She opened her mouth, as if it could somehow be undone. But Elain said, “I went into the Cauldron, too you know. And it captured me. And yet somehow all you can think of is what mytrauma did to you.”

Aside from the obvious iconic nature of this whole exchange here we see Nesta yet again hurt and belittle Elain. And yeah, sure, Elain tried to hurt Nesta too here by throwing in that reminder that it was Feyre (and Az) who went into Hybern’s camp and rescued her. But as soon as she did it she went into an apology mode but was cut off as her sister couldn’t stand someone feeling sad for her and needed to remind Elain that she’s a bad person who hurts others. The “interesting at last” comment was a (pardon my French) bitch move. There, I said it.

Nesta knew just which words to use to beat down her younger sister who’d always looked up to her, and she didn’t hesitate to use them. She knew which words would hurt her and she said them. Elain shot back here though and reminded Nesta that her trauma with being captured by the Cauldron is her own and no one can shoulder that for her. And that despite this trauma, she’s willing to risk herself to find the Trove and face the magic that took her choices away.

Anyways, I just wanted to shed some light on some scenes that I think a lot of readers and participants of the acotar tumblr fandom glossed over. These were, coincidentally, 2 of the few times Elain showed up in ACOSF. I mean, given the fandom’s warring views on Elain as a character it’s not shocking people would gloss over her and Nesta’s interactions (even though she who knows more about Nesta than anyone else).

I guess I’ll close this by saying that Nesta is not a perfect character. And, admittedly, these scenes did happen in the first half of the book. However, just because Nesta battled her mental health and overcame a lot of challenges, it doesn’t erase the fact that she hurt Elain with her words. She preyed on her younger sister’s love for her and (to my recollection) did not apologize for the way she treated her. Nesta’s an interesting character and so is Elain. Elain is a huge part of the acotar story/world, whether you like it or not.

[butwhatifidothis]

Tumblr is starting to VERY MUCH dislike how long the other reblog chain is getting, so this will be Reblog Chain 2 of my jotting down notes of this fic. Here is the first reblog chain for Chapters 1-20

But it appears as though I was correct in sleeping off Chapter 20, because Chapter 21 is. Hm. bad. Very. Not good.

Chapter 21:

Transcript under the cut:

Chapter 21: It's Called Scars so it Gonna Be Ass

- To be blunt, the constant need to reaffirm that yes, Edelgard went through terrible experimentation and that yes, they were very horrific, is tiring. This is chapter 21. The experiments occurred in chapter 2. Every single chapter between now and then have, at some point, mentioned that INDEED, Edelgard DID in fact go through horrific trauma. It is tiring to the reader to constantly have to reread the same thing - we know it happened. We know it was terrible. There's no need to constantly say so; we already understand as readers.

- "Every time the spark of life broke through Byleth’s blank face, it brought a flickering hope to the Flame Emperor’s heart." ->

- Firstly: Awkward use of the Flame Emperor epithet (its usage is on and off with how appropriate its been - this is off).

- Secondly: Once again, Byleth's face was rarely if ever blank. She was never the Ashen Demon, as even the last chapter showcased. The author is mistaking reservation with emotionlessness, which is simply wrong

- "There had been so many empty days and nights, without friendship, love or joy. With nothing to hope for, except someday, the peace of the grave." -> Suicidal tendencies: another trait that Edelgard doesn't have... (strikes against canon: 89)

- ...but Dimitri does. Counter: 12

- "Dimitri, too, was troubled by the thought, grasping the side of his head and frowning. As the spasm passed, he turned to Edelgard and smiled warmly." -> It seems a little callous to so casually toss Dimitri's symptoms into his interactions with others when such things simply don't occur in the canon interactions. It's not impossible, or strictly against canon, but it does not feel natural; it's more as though the author is shining bright neon signs that say DIMITRI HAS MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES than a genuine attempt at writing Dimitri's mental health issues. This is not the first time this sort of seemingly thoughtless showcasing of symptoms has happened (Noted separately: Dimitri having drastic mood swings)

- "No, this world must be ruled by humans…not cruel gods who ignored the prayers of little girls." -> This statement follows Edelgard internally chastising the actions of not gods, but the Children of the Goddess. This is a weaselly attempt at dodging Edelgard's racist beliefs that Nabateans should not be allowed positions of power by shifting the belief to apply to miscellaneous gods instead. While not inaccurate per se - she does also canonically believe that gods should have no power in human affairs - it is not honest

- "Byleth nodded with childlike simplicity. “We should all try to get along.”" -> Again describing Byleth as childlike and/or innocent. Counter: 3

- For those curious: yes, the rat scene is implemented, yes it is sloppy, yes it is out of character for Claude - so much so that it is being noted separately - and yes it is forced to all hell

- What will be noted here, however, is that this is yet another instance of a man being demeaned/humiliated for the honor of a woman. See quote: "Byleth was on him in an instant, a tempest forming in the sea of her blue eyes. “That isn’t funny.” She crossed her arms sternly. “Jokes are about bringing people together...about making them smile. Right now, the only person laughing is you.”" with Claude reacting awkwardly. Once again, Man Bad Woman Good

- In a showcasing of a complete lack of self-awareness within the fic: "“Maybe if you’d have taught the Deer instead…but since you seem to have no ambitions outside of cleaning up Edelgard’s messes…”" -> This is Claude being portrayed as the bad guy, not the one being completely and utterly right

- " She slapped Edelgard on the back, and smiled heartily. “I agree, Dimitri!” Edelgard grimaced, trying to hide the fact her teacher had just struck the wound she had received during the mock battle." -> As well as where undoubtedly countless scars would be, yes? Scars that still cause Edelgard pain? In fact, Edelgard has been slapped on the back by Byleth and Jeralt numerous times before, and yet expresses no pain or discomfort.

- Another thing, that I had not noted though ought to have: Edelgard, a victim of sexual assault (in this fic), rarely seems to mind people touching her. She gets a little surprised if someone tries to get her attention with touch, yes, but Byleth's constant unprompted and random touching of Edelgard is never said to do anything but bring warmth and joy and comfort to Edelgard. It seems as though Edelgard suffering through sexual assault is just another source of trauma for the author to dump onto her for nothing more than pity points

- This is incredibly harsh to say, yes, and I would usually refrain from attributing such harshness onto a piece of text, but remember that Edelgard's scars only cause her pain when it's convenient, that she only experiences headaches when it's convenient, that she experiences PTSD episodes (when Claude mentions the rat) when it's convenient (note that in this fic he does it outside of battle, where her getting triggered wouldn't compromise her chances at victory). Edelgard not being touch averse and being a victim of sexual assault are not inherently something bad - survivors react to trauma differently, after all - but it is another in a steadily longer line of instances where Edelgard is simply given trauma for the sake of making her pitiable to the reader and the love interest, not something that Edelgard genuinely has to struggle with.

- "As Claude and Dimitri looked at their classmate expectantly, Edelgard was wracked with another bout of guilt. Deep in her soul, the princess knew these peaceful days would end soon. When that happened, no feast or vows of friendship could make up for the chaos and horror she would unleash. It would be better to pull away, close off her heart, rather than fuel the flames of her inevitable betrayal." -> Aka, "Feel bad for me, I feel guilty for planning to cause the death and ruination of countless innocents' lives all because I convinced myself that my way is the only way to get things done my way without ever actually trying to see if more peaceful ways could have worked. I'm going to orphan children, force families to fight each other, have the land be rampaged by banditry, and overall bring chaos onto these days that I ADMIT ARE PEACEFUL all because I feel that my way would be better. Wah wah pity me but I don't wanna be pitied I promise wah wah."

- "Byleth shrugged with a characteristic blend of innocence and spirit. “I guess I just like winning.” She began to blush and grabbed Edelgard’s hand. "It's so exciting! I’ve never had anyone other than Papa to celebrate with before!”" -> Byleth = innocent/childlike. Counter: 4

- The fic likes to reaffirm again and again that Byleth is "now" only acting like this due to Edelgard's presence in her life. Note also these statements written previously: "Every day, [Edelgard] was watching the person she loved grow and change. Become who she always was supposed to be." This, perhaps unintentionally, again enforces the "Lesbian Love is Pure and Innocent" trope; these wlw are only allowed to be their good girl, innocent selves - who they were always supposed to be - due to the pure lesbian love they have found with one another

- Count Bergliez didn't know of the experiments initially, but he eventually found out and did nothing to stop them, fleeing from a young and tortured El who was pleading for him to save her - Unnecessarily painting Count Bergliez as a spineless coward too afraid of Duke Aegir to save a child in pain

- Once again, a man fails to save a woman and further traumatizes her

- It should be noted that Bergliez is fearful not for his own life, but for that of his children, who were the ones Duke Aegir threatened. He, very similar to Ionius, cannot save Edelgard, except Bergliez (unlike Ionius) has a tangible, physical, explainable reason as to why he couldn't, and yet it is him who is painted as the bad guy, not Ionius. He is worthy of Edelgard's scorn and hatred, but Ionius only receives a begrudging feeling of betrayal from Edelgard that she feels guilty for harboring, even though he failed her far more than Bergliez failed her.

- "Daughters must always be loyal to their fathers" trope

- "No decent person thought the things Edelgard did. Just as her body had been twisted and shattered by the experiments, her mind bore terrible scars. Scars that the monster kept hidden, so she could walk in the world of men." -> Dehumanizing oneself as a monster as well as having violent thoughts (that specifically stem from trauma) one feels guilty for harboring are not traits Edelgard shows in canon... (strikes against canon, 90, 91)

- ...but Dimitri does. Counter: 13, 14

- "world of men?" Did the author perhaps mean "world of man," as in mankind? Keep note of

- The reason as to why Bergliez is said to have witnessed young El's tortured state and did nothing to help her is revealed: in canon, he dislikes her. It is blatantly and objectively said that he and Edelgard share a mutual displeasure in the other's company. What this fic had him do will be used as an excuse as to why he doesn't hate her, since no one is allowed to dislike Edelgard on the "good" side

- Edelgard, upon being asked if revenge is the reason she is doing what she's doing (reuniting Fodlan): "“No.” Edelgard put her hand to her chin thoughtfully. “I think for a long time, it was…but after a while, I realized that revenge wouldn’t satisfy me.” She looked at the blue sky above. “After you go through that much suffering…when you beg for help, day after day, and no one cares...you realize that nothing will ever truly make you feel safe again. The only thing I want is for this madness to end.”" -> This is internally inconsistent. See chapter 15 note: ""You know why they created me in the first place.” / “To reunite Fódlan,” spat Hubert. “It was all my father talked about.” / “And I will give it to them. "" This directly connects Edelgard's want to reunite Fodlan to the wants of her tormenters (as this states she is doing it out of spite). Note how Hubert spits at the idea of reuniting Fodlan, and how it was all his father - portrayed as a villain - talked about. This is not what this Edelgard wants, at least not of her own independent want. Earlier in this very chapter, Edelgard internally states a want to hurt Bergliez for leaving her behind. To say that she now no longer thinks vengeance would satisfy her, or that none of the reason that she is doing everything she does is out of a want for revenge, is ridiculous

- Edelgard to Bergliez, upon being asked what will happen to him and his family should Edelgard rise to power: "“All those who distinguish themselves will be rewarded. Given your history, I have little doubt you will be among them.” She nervously played with her white gloves. “All I ask is that when I seize back control of the throne, I can count on the military’s support.”" -> Yes, all who distinguish themselves to Edelgard, for Edelgard's cause, that Edelgard can see and/or know of. How likely is it that a poor farmer who is exceptional at fighting will actually be noticed by Edelgard and be given the credit he deserves, when others who may not be as meritable but do have some merit have the connections to show themselves directly in front of Edelgard? What means will Edelgard give the poor soldiers (that she or Byleth aren't already friends with, notably Dorothea and Leonie) that will allow them to be able to be seen by her and have their merits recognized? Edelgard is the one who says who gains power after all, so it is her they must prove themselves to, but how can they realistically do that?

- What about professions that are not immediately beneficial to Edelgard's cause, such as the arts? How will they fare in Edelgard's society, when their works and talents yield no tangible, objective results (such as, say, farming)?

- Something the fic will address?

- Edelgard does not nervously do anything in front of those she is trying to negotiate with in canon, not even Thales. Strikes against canon: 92

- "[Bergliez] could only laugh in response. “I think we’re going to get along rather well, my lady…and the other?”" -> Except Bergliez and Edelgard don't get along well, ever. Pre ts they are stated to dislike each other, which continues even onto post ts with Bergliez being the only noble Edelgard couldn't bring to heel. Strikes against canon: 93

- As predicted: No one is allowed to dislike Edelgard on the "good" side

- Literally forgot Hubert was with Edelgard and Bergliez lmao

- Ionius tried to consolidate power to be rid of the consort system due to his unending love for Anselma -> A ridiculous idea, plain and simple. Ionius was Emperor. If he wished to be rid of the consort system there was no need for him to try and take away all power from the other Imperial houses.

- If Ionius truly loved Anselma, why did he allow her to be exiled from the Empire? Why didn't he step in and use his influence as Emperor to help her?

- Edelgard, when she is Emperor - passed down a supposedly empty crown, at that - showcases the all-encompassing power the title of Emperor truly holds to one willing to use that power. That Ionius supposedly wanted to do all of these reforms and yet nothing at all was done, ever (save for ruining Houses Hrym and Ordelia, something even this fic has as canon), if Ionius did want to make these reforms, means that he was too spineless and cowardly to truly go through with trying to pass them. This again unintentionally showcases how awful a ruler and weak-willed a person Ionius was when he had power when trying to paint him in this righteous light.

- Lambert was stated to be trying to pass reforms before he died in canon, not Ionius. From parents to the children, the author is attributing traits from Lambert onto Ionius just as he (author's confirmed gender is male) attributes traits from Dimitri onto Edelgard

- " Her father and mother…she had thought their romance a fairy tale-a story from her father to make a motherless child feel valued. But…they truly had loved each other." -> Edelgard does believe Ionius when he told her of the story of when he and Anselma (supposedly) met each other. There is nothing to indicate that Edelgard thought it to be a lie: in fact, in canon: "But I choose to believe there was genuine love between them." Strikes against canon: 94

- It seems as though finally, after around 18 chapters, Edelgard's scars will finally cause her genuine inconvenience due to her complex about them as well as her trust issues. She has a gash on her back from the Battle of Eagle and Lion, but will not have it treated if Manuela isn't the healer, and yet the woman is occupied dealing with the rest of the students who were injured. How will this fic deal with this?

- Ingrid, referring to her and Sylvain: ""We just switched from Felix lecturing us all day to listening to Edelgard moralizing, didn’t we?"" -> The author is trying to compare a childhood friend whose friends have had years to get used to their barbed tongue to a stranger that directly insults the dreams of one of them. Something which Ingrid canonically hates having be done to her, even from Felix, a childhood friend. Once again, Ingrid being so casual about Edelgard being so disrespectful of her dreams is out of character. Strikes against canon: 95

- "Sylvain shook his head knowingly, ignoring Felix’s truly alarming scowl. “You should have seen his face, Edelgard. Dimitri would go on and on about this girl he met when he was a kid…and Felix would complain about her for hours!” He looked at Felix and smiled. “For all his whining about the “Boar,” nobody loves Dimitri more than him.”" -> Oh? A romantic gay male relationship presenting itself within the fic?

- Another vision of SS experienced by Edelgard. Word from a nameless guard: "The woman, Byleth, leading their forces... She’s not human! She killed half my battalion with one swing of that sword of hers. She didn’t speak, she didn’t shout, she didn’t even change her expression!” The panicked man was teetering on the edge of hysteria. “All those people rallying around her, and it’s like she doesn’t care at all. Like she's a walking corpse!"" -> Obviously saying that Byleth becomes the Ashen Demon if not allowed to be with Edelgard.

- Unintentional statement: Byleth can't be the pure innocent (lesbian) woman without Edelgard's (lesbian) love granting her purity, reverting her to a monstrous, corrupt demon incapable of humanity

- See chapter 20 note: "Implying that choosing SS - aka, choosing the Nabateans - makes Byleth less human. Intentional?" Confirmed to be intentional. Also false: in canon, even when accounting for CF's lesser chapter count, Byleth emotes far more on SS than on CF, which matches with CF having Edelgard call Byleth detached in their A support. Strikes against canon: 96

- The same nameless soldier, same context: "And those Faerghus kids…” / Edelgard leaned forward in her chair. “Ingrid…Sylvain…what of them?” / “They…they were animals. Screaming and ranting about revenge for the King.” -> Is the author really demonizing Sylvain and Ingrid for (potentially!) being mad at Edelgard for murdering one of their childhood friends? Is that really the depths the Edelgard worship will sink to, that friends becoming enraged at a friend's unjust murder from a warlord is being portrayed as something sad for the warlord? Just what else should Edelgard be pitied for?

- "The scared girl desperately tried to drown out the thoughts that reverberated incessantly. / They’re going to despise us…it’s destiny. And how could they not? If we were truly good, the Goddess would have saved us…protected us. But She didn’t. The Goddess took Mother. She took our family. And soon, She’ll take everything else we love. She hates us. / It’s what we deserve." - Now confirmed that Edelgard hears multiple voices in her head tormenting her. That trait that, once again, Edelgard does not have... (Strikes against canon: 97)

- ...but Dimitri does. This is the third time this chapter that this has happened, and far from the only chapter to display such baffling characterization of Edelgard via Dimitri's traits. It is nonsensical.

- " Why had [Edelgard] even been born at all? Nonexistence would have been preferable to watching every faint dream be dashed, to suffering alone over and over. She was just…so tired of being alive." -> Once. Again. Suicidal tendencies/thoughts is not a trait Edelgard shows in canon... (Strikes against canon: 98)

- ...but Dimitri does. The fourth! The fourth time in one chapter the author desperately wanted to just write Dimitri!

- If the fic wanted to take Edelgard in a different direction than canon does and has her display some of these traits, it would be more passable, but this fic is under the delusion that it is in any way following canon closely, especially in regards to Edelgard, and so this can only be seen as a desperate attempt from the author to have Edelgard be sympathetic by donning the skin of an actually sympathetic character such as Dimitri

- "Edelgard looked at herself in the mirror. The back of her academy uniform was stained red, the rhythmic, soft dripping of blood assaulting the princess’ ears." -> And no one commented on this? No one was worried? Not Ingrid, Sylvain, and Felix, who were sitting right by her? Not Lysithea, who saw her take the blow to her back and never get it healed? Not Dimitri, who delivered the blow? It just so happened that literally no one at all noticed this?

- Byleth literally slapped Edelgard on the back earlier? Wouldn't her hand come back red with blood if it were seeping through the uniform?

** The scene that follows the previous note is too long to quote, despite how truly terrible it is. Long quotes, even extremely long quotes, have been presented in these notes before, but the length this quotation would be if the full extent of it were written here would be a mess, and quite frankly, at that point it would do one better to simply go to the fanfiction itself and read the text from there. With the context received from these notes, if one wishes to see the words for themselves, go to chapter 21 of The Emperor and the Goddess, enter Ctrl + F (or Find in Page on mobile devices), and enter the phrase "Byleth crossed her arms, clearly frustrated" verbatim. The following note will not be quoting the entire scene from the fic (merely summarizing it), though context is needed to understand how truly bad the scene is. **

- To have hope in this fic performing anything correctly is proving to be a fool's dream, for it has yet to do anything right; that includes the aforementioned gash upon Edelgard's back. As stated, it did not draw the attention of those who were sitting around her nor did it draw the attention of the one who witnessed the injury itself, nor of the one who delivered the injury itself, so no one commented on the gaping, bleeding wound Edelgard was "hiding" from everyone as she turned her (bleeding) back to them and left for the baths to clean up (it must be heavily stressed: immediately after leaving it is revealed that the blood is seeping through her uniform). As she was washing - naked, of course - Byleth just so happened to step into the baths with only a towel wrapped around her "for modesty," much to the horror of Edelgard, for she does not want Byleth seeing her scarred body. A slight argument arises between the two over Edelgard getting her injuries checked, before Byleth warns Edelgard that she will go to Rhea and force her to go to the infirmary should Edelgard continue to refuse treatment, which drives Edelgard past the brink. She raises her arms from the bathwater and presents her scars (""Fine!... If you want to see so badly, here!""), to the horror of Byleth ("Byleth Eisner was not a woman given to strong emotional reactions, but she staggered back, hands over her mouth."). Edelgard cries in hysteria, fear of her beloved teacher running away in disgust over her ugly, mutilated body overwhelming her. But Byleth, childlike in her innocence, shared that she too is scarred in strange ways, and that she too is scared of failing those around her - that she has no ambitions save to help and protect those around her. Byleth reveals that it is Edelgard whom Byleth looks up to for always being so strong and always moving forward, and shows that without Edelgard Byleth wouldn't know how to handle the pressure everyone else puts on her. The exchange ends with Byleth reassuring Edelgard that she is beautiful and not the monster she thinks she is.

- There is no nice way of putting this: this is a classic example of how not to write someone opening up to another about something. Edelgard views herself as weak, ugly, repulsive, a monster, shameful, but it is Byleth's love and affection that gives her comfort and warmth, that gives her hope of something more. It forces Byleth to behave wildly out of character (the author can try to excuse this with "well she wouldn't normally behave like this!" all he wants, it doesn't matter when it goes against the base, canonical Byleth. Strikes against canon: 99) in order for Edelgard's scarred body to be seen as something that is repulsive, that is ugly, that is stained, so much so that the pure, childlike, innocent Byleth couldn't stand to see something so tainted. And yet it is that same pure, childlike, innocent Byleth's pure, innocent, childlike love that pushes away the pain of Edelgard's scars for just that moment. Other characters become suddenly blind and/or forgetful of Edelgard's obvious, bleeding wound so that it is Byleth who can be the one to save Edelgard with her pure, innocent, childlike presence and her pure, innocent, childlike uncertainty about her own insecurities (but only when it is convenient for Edelgard, as even Byleth didn't noticed the gaping, bleeding wound until she was alone with Edelgard where no one could interrupt their bonding moment). This scene is inorganic and forced, ham-fisting Edelgard and Byleth in the same room - the wash room, where both are either naked or nearly naked - so that Byleth is the one to find Edelgard, no one else. No one was worried enough about the sudden exit Edelgard took from the conversation she was having to follow her and make sure she was alright, and Byleth just so happened to enter the baths right after Edelgard. The scene is, to be frank, insulting.

- There have been a couple of joking references to a book titled Stones to Abigail in these notes, but in all seriousness, this scene plays unsettlingly similar to a scene in said book, where a scarred girl who is naked reveals her "ugly" and "revolting" scarred body to the love interest, who goes on to soothe and comfort the naked girl as best they can. The resemblance is uncanny

- Byleth described as childlike/innocent. Counter: 5

- Edelgard, in canon, never expresses feeling herself to be ugly, or repulsive, or a monster. Strikes against canon: 100

- Again, Edelgard's scars are only important when they are convenient - this time, in helping develop the romantic relationship between her and Byleth

- There are ways in which scars can be utilized without being problematic, but certainly not when this much focus is placed on them and yet they are only truly present when they cannot hinder Edelgard.

- Perhaps particularly insulting is this phrase from Edelgard: "Did she actually love Byleth at all, or just being saved by her?" Yes, Edelgard, you do simply want to be saved by Byleth, because that is precisely what the narrative has been drilling into the reader's heads ever since Byleth showed herself. Byleth is Edelgard's light, Byleth is Edelgard's hope, Byleth gives Edelgard back her humanity, Byleth is Edelgard's one source of joy, Byleth is Edelgard's entire life, and nothing, absolutely nothing in this fic has shown this to ever be a bad thing. This dependence on Byleth to bring Edelgard joy at the near complete expense of everyone else has been propped up as something romantic, and yet it's now, 21 chapters and over 85K+ words in, that we're supposed to believe that this was actually Edelgard being unhealthy? Even though the author himself said that this was what he enjoyed about their relationship, how much they found each other in each other? Even though we see what the author thinks would happen to the two of them should they separate - Edelgard, lonely and afraid without her beloved teach, and Byleth, the Ashen Demon who cares for nothing without her beloved student - in her visions of SS? This is a joke

- It cannot be overstated that Byleth came to the bathhouses completely independently of Edelgard. She did not come to specifically see her because she followed her out of worry for Edelgard due to her injury - she only knows that Edelgard's injured in the first place due to seeing bloody bandages that Edelgard removed in the bathhouse, before Byleth arrived.

- Author's notes: "On Bergliez, we find out very little in-game, but he 1) offers himself for execution so his men can go free in SS and 2) seems to be actually competent at his job. I thought a nuanced portrayal was more interesting, since I've been writing Aegir as the absolute worst person in the world." -> Note: this is what the author believes to be a nuanced take on someone. Someone who likes Edelgard entirely and does nearly whatever they can to help her, but they did one thing that's morally gray (leaving a child behind to save his own children from the same fate) that is portrayed as objectively bad, so now they are nuanced. While perhaps this sort of character would be truly nuanced in better hands, as it is with his actions being portrayed as something that is obviously so completely and utterly wrong and him someone who deserves complete and utter condemnation - and yet Ionius, who does far worse for far less understandable reasons, gets a comparative slap on the wrist - it causes confusion as to Edelgard's lines. Bergliez seeing her the one time and never helping her is enough for her to want to hurt him as she was hurt, but her father repeatedly coming to and "being forced" to watch her actively be tortured and doing nothing does little to invoke similar depths of resentment? Even granting the idea that "she gives more slack to her father," Ionius is objectively and far worse than Bergliez, down to doing hard things to protect their children, and yet it is only Bergliez who is shined in this unpleasant a light

- To be clear, Bergliez's decision was not a good one, but understandable. It is a gray decision to make. But notice how he is called "gray" and "nuanced" and yet Ionius is nearly completely innocent, as described by the author himself, despite their being no given explaination as to why "he was a figurehead" should be a good enough reason to wash him literally standing there and watching as his children - some of whom aren't even teens yet - get slowly tortured and killed.

- "There are many localization changes I understand (Byleth wanting to get drunk after the battle is one of them), but Treehouse's decision to remove Ionius' entire reason for power centralization (eliminating the consorts) was a big, big mistake." -> Given the history of this author's grasp on the Japanese language, this needs to be checked, as he cannot be trusted as a source as to whether this is true

******* Notes of Claude mischaracterization: Chapter 21, section 1, paragraphs 1, 21 & 23, 27 *******

[evilwickedme]

ok so to sum up my feelings for leverage: redemption, season 1(a): (long post warning, there’s a tl;dr at the end)

I knew that Hardison wouldn’t be in most of the season due to Aldis Hodge being a busy bee nowadays, but I didn’t realize that meant he’d only be around for the first two episodes. He was sorely missed, not only because of my attachment to him, but also because he’s usually the grounding factor in the group dynamic, and his role as info guy and tech guy was split evenly between two characters who had their own issues.

That said, Hardison is absolutely a highlight of the two episodes he’s in. his speech about redemption was everything I could’ve hoped for (plus, more evidence for the Jewish!Hardison pile...). I wish we’d gotten to see more of his dynamic with Breanna because what we saw was funny and sweet and we don’t generally get to see Hardison taking care of somebody who so desperately needs taking care of. I hope that Aldis Hodge is around for more episodes in 1(b), because what we’re left with feels a little hollow.

Sticking to original leverage characters for now, for the most part the leverage crew still felt true to the original series as characters, even if the show itself was a little bit confused at times. The actors understand their characters and embody them so well that I think one could give them the trashiest script ever and they’d still sell it. Sophie is a particular focus in 1(a) because of Nate’s death, and she’s particularly well written as a result.

That said, I’m super bitter that we saw little to no mastermind!Parker. Parker’s character being given the mastermind role was a big deal and it feels like they’re walking it back because they feel uncomfortable with it. It is eventually given an in-text excuse, but literally in the last episode, and it was not a particularly convincing reason, and in fact contradicted moments from previous episodes (Sophie leaving for a client meeting and ignoring Parker in ep3 comes to mind). It’s frustrating, it makes the end of the original leverage feel pointless, and letting Parker make a decision once in a while is not the same thing at all. The original series repeatedly showed us that while everyone in the team had their strengths, Parker works problems and solves them in unique, interesting ways, and other characters’ days in the limelight tended to be comedic or even failures. It’s a broken promise, and a pretty major broken promise at that.

On a more positive note, Parker’s dynamic with literally everyone was fantastic. She’s possibly the best written character this season. They’ve taken the autism out of the subtext and into the text (although obviously still undiagnosed), and given her coping mechanisms that were taken seriously in the text even when they were played for laughs, which I appreciated. Her attempts to mentor Breanna were sweet, her friendship with Sophie was electric and at times (CRIMES) hilarious, and as usual, she has a fantastic dynamic with Eliot that makes my heart burst. If you don’t think they’re romantically involved, at least acknowledge there’s a life partnership here. They’ve spent the last decade together.

(We’ll get to Harry.)

Eliot isn’t given much arc-wise, which is frustrating since he’s my favorite. He’s being presented as the goal at the end of a redemption arc, ie to keep working at it every day until your soul heals or whatever, and it doesn’t reflect the message they’re trying to convey via Hardison’s speech and our two new characters. He’s got his moments, but I think they under utilized his potential.

Breanna!!! Breanna’s my new favorite, except for Eliot. She’s hilarious, she’s insecure, she’s nerdy and excited in a way that’s similar to Hardison but still distinct in its inherent teenage-girl-ness and I LOVE IT. Unlike the previous series, where Hardison’s “age of the geek” was often a joke played on Hardison, we’re at the point where Eliot and Parker are both right there with him, and so they accept and even appreciate Breanna’s nerdiness. Also, canon gay character? In YOUR Leverage? It’s more likely than you think.

(No, I never thought they’d make ot3 canon on screen. I hoped, but I didn’t think it would actually happen.)

I think Breanna’s the character that will be the most interesting to see grow. She’s got a lot of potential and a list of crimes a mile long (or more). I adore her with all my heart. I want to see her tiktok account.

Harry. Oh, Harry.

It took me a while, but I do like Harry. It took a while, because the narrative positioned him at the same level as Nate back in episode 1 of original Leverage. But in episode 1 we didn’t know the other characters. We had Nate as the POV character, and so we cared about him because we were seeing the world through his eyes. (This is TV Studies 101. I know this, because I took TV Studies 101 in 2019.) In Leverage: Redemption, we no longer have a POV character, for several reasons:

Nate, previously the POV character, is dead.

As it is, by mid-season 3 of leverage Nate was no longer a POV character. This is, coincidentally, the point where the leverage writers realized they had four other characters in the main cast they could do something with, and in-universe, Nate accepted that he was a thief, not a special Good Man.

Sophie is sort of a POV character for the first episode of the revival, but only for the first few minutes. Afterwards, the series settles into the groove of seasons 3-5, i.e., the entire crew is our POV. We know our crew, and we love them as is.

Narratively, however, Redemption insists on positing Harry as the POV character, because it is his redemption we are pursuing most vehemently. And I think they really relied on us already knowing the actor - I’ve never seen him in anything before, so to me he was a completely fresh face and they put almost no effort into selling him to me. Beyond being competent and consistently mildly baffled by the antics of the leverage crew, I honestly don’t know who this man is by the end of EIGHT episodes with him. I have a much better handle on Breanna by the end of 1(a), and I can tell you I knew all five of the original leverage crew better by the end of the first episode of the original series than I do Harry. What’s the name of his daughter, John Rogers. Is he still married. How old is the daughter. Why is none of this worth mentioning. Give him a sense of humor that isn’t reacting to other people’s shenanigans. I’m so frustrated. It’s bad writing.

I did manage to grow to like Harry by the end, but I’m pretty sure this is down to Noah Wyle’s charismatic portrayal of an under-developed character, at least partially. And I never stopped being frustrated at not knowing who this man is at all.

The two highlights of the season are undoubtedly episodes five and six. Episode five was the first time I felt like the episode was more than a collection of good moments between the main cast and mediocre moments between the main cast and also the main plot. The issues with pacing and tone that I suffered through for most of the season were mostly non-existent in ep5 and 6, and at least in episode 5 I attribute that to the pared down cast. They had time to focus not only on our actual characters - Sophie, Parker, Breanna - but also on the case. This is the only client from 1(a) I am going to remember next week without googling it first, mark my words.

Episode six worked for the exact opposite reason - it completely disregarded the client and plot and immersed itself in the characters. Breanna gets a moment to shine, but everybody else gets their bits and I wouldn’t be surprised if that was the script that was most fun to write. The characters felt natural, real, and captured the found-family dynamic that’s been missing all season for the first time.

While episode 2 is the weakest episode, I don’t actually have much to say about it. I am disappointed in episode 8. For a mid-season finale, I really expected them to do something. Instead, it was an episode about Nate Ford that copped out of being about Nate Ford (both with fake-Nate and with the new version of him being relayed to us). I would have told the writers to give that energy back to episode 1 and write an episode that’s about anybody who isn’t Harry, oh my God. I know I said I grew to like him but so many episodes were about Harry. He’s the newbie! Why didn’t Hardison get an episode that was actually about him, considering he was only around for two episodes? Why does Eliot have to be the butt of the joke when the theme of the series should directly tie back to him in a much more meaningful way? The last episode parodies their own tagline by saying Eliot isn’t just a hitter, but it deftly avoids noticing that they’ve turned him into nothing more than very muscly comic relief, including in that very episode!

Also, I hated the Marshal. Eliot actively looked uncomfortable around her.

tl;dr

The season took a while, that’s definitely true. But it did find its footing eventually, and by the halfway mark of 1(a) it finally felt cohesive again. The characters were played fantastically even when they weren’t well-written, and if nothing else, the humor landed every time. It still has its kinks and problems to work out, but if you look at it as a brand new show rather than a continuation of one that went off the air over eight years ago, it’s actually doing rather well. I’m choosing to judge it in both lights - according to its own standards, it establishes its identity in episode five; according to Leverage standards, it establishes its connection to its roots in episode six. Either way, I thoroughly enjoyed 1(a), and continue to have high hopes for 1(b).

fic writing will commence in three, two, one...

[random-film-bee]

Sweet Bean (2015)

I was worried I would find this movie hard to watch due to its slow pacing and minimal dialogue. I watched it at like 12 am and I was really afraid I would fall asleep. But this movie actually managed to not only to not put me to sleep but it actually kept my interest the whole way through. I don’t think I would have wanted the pacing to change or for there to be more dialogue, it fit perfectly that the movie felt shorter than it really was once I finished. I also think that despite me being able roughly guess the plot within the first 15 minutes of the film, the emotional impact was still strong.

I also live laugh love a found family based story. I think often this is done with father figures, so having Tokue become a mother figure was a welcomed change for me. I think the dynamic between Tokue and Sentaro is fleshed out well, showing how both of them were the missing piece of human connection they needed. But the inclusion of Wakana is what made it more interesting to me. It wasn’t simply a man who lost his mother finding his mother in Tokue, it was a whole family that each helped one another grow in a way that couldn’t have been achieved with just 2 of them. Wakana I believe did look up to Sentaro as a sort of father figure as well, given that we never saw or heard about her father, I think she was looking for that in him. They all 3 were misfits, though Tokue suffered the most from societal pressures, and the only place they were safe from judgment was with one another. This really showed through when Sentaro refuse to fire Tokue and when they visted her at her home, both Wakana and Sentaro did not seem to be afraid of the patients.

This movie goes into the sadness of ostracization, Tokue was outcasted since she was young. The times she seemed the happiest was when she was serving people, talking and interacting with them. It is a small thing we do every day, but we can easily take for granted. This contrasted with Sentaro’s character who had the shop and in the beginning was wanting customers to hurry and leave. I think that’s why the dorayaki shop was a great place for the film to be based around. Small shops like that are known more so for their customer service, and social nature. Everyone usually knows and loves the people who work there. It is an inherently social and more intimate space than larger establishments or even small shops that sell more goods.

A lot of freedom symbolism in this film as well. The bird in the cage which represented all 3 of the characters. Wakana who could not go to high school and work toward the future she yearned for, Tokue who was outcasted her whole life, and Sentaro being in debt and stuck working for someone he seemingly hates. In the end they found love and compassion with one another and freedom once Tokue died, they both began to take steps toward a life they could enjoy.

The nature establishing shots were stunning and after we find out that the leprosy patients have trees planted over their graves, these long nature shots make more sense in the film.

Overall, I loved this film. My mother and I bot shed a few tears and wanted to try dorayaki by the end of the movie.

[realm-sweet-realm]

A Worthwhile Investment, chapter 2

Please enjoy this Shawn x Grant story. It is a part of my canon.

Thankfully, Shawn and Grant were able to sneak out undetected. Shawn knew the warehouse Norman had told them to meet at- the one Lacie worked in, roughly two blocks from the studio and not visible from it. From there, they called a cab to take them to a bar (as Norman had promised and Shawn had reminded him) and declared themselves safe.

“Uh, sorry the raid was a bust,” Shawn said.

“It wasn’t.” Norman held up a set of keys. “I can go anywhere I want in the studio now, whenever. And I saw Sammy Lawrence wearing a Bendy mask. I knew it. I knew he was a part of this. I’m gonna crack this if it kills me.”

“Sure you will,” Lacie drawled. “Mind telling us why this is your choice of hobby? Like, why are you like this?” Shawn could tell that she was using her friendly cold, judgmental tone, which was different from her genuinely cold, judgmental tone. He hoped Norman could, too.

“Like I’d tell you. What, you think I’d ask for your life story just like that?”

“I’ll tell it. I ain’t got nothing to hide. I was born to two crack-addicted pieces of shit, so I learned to rely on the parents of neighbourhood kids on days they decided not to care for me. It was like that basically my entire life before my sister sorted herself out and I moved in with her. But it taught me I could take care of myself, so I didn’t mind moving with Bertrum wherever he went, and I didn’t cry when he retired.”

“And it’s a good thing he retired, or I might not’ve met Lacie when ah did. Bein’ an immigrant, away from home for the first time an’ barely speaking teh language- it woulda been real lonely otherwise. Of course, Ah make friends easy, but I’m still glad she was one'a them.”

Lacie’s sharp eyes landed on Grant. They’d only met once before and neither had been too comfortable with the other. “And what about you, Grant? Anything interesting in your past?”

“Oh, no. Normal upbringing. Parents who loved me. Nothing special.” It was lame, but it was the truth.

The four of them kept chatting for about an hour.

How did I end up surrounded by the three strongest people I know? Grant wondered. Most of his friends growing up had been cousins or kids of family friends, and his social circle hadn’t diversified much since, until he met Shawn and Norman. Comparatively, these three were freaks. But they were all so respectable, and honestly, Shawn and Norman were some of the best friends he’d ever had.

Life in general had given Grant a lot to be thankful for as of late. The early thirties had been hard on him- after the stock market crashed, he’d gone through a job loss, the collapse of his marriage, some domestic abuse, his divorce, and losing custody of his children. But now? Things were alright. He had a new job, and the studio was, generally speaking at least, holding steady financially. Against all odds, his daughters seemed to be fine living with their mother- maybe she had been serious about working on herself for them. Grant cherished the time he did have with them, and though he hated to admit it, he was much happier divorced. And of course, now he had these two. It was while he was there, listening to the three of them talk, that he realized that he was currently the most content he’d been in years.

Shawn had had a few drinks by that point, and leaned on Grant as though he intended to fall asleep on him.

“I think I should take Shawn home. Norman, can we talk about something tomorrow? In the projector booth.”

“Of course,” Norman said. Something in the way he said it told Grant that he already knew what it would be about.

---

“So, what did you want to talk to me about?” Norman asked, as if he didn’t already know.

“It’s about Shawn,” Grant started. How much to say? He figured that Norman knew he was gay- very little escaped Norman’s notice, after all- but maybe Norman was only okay with that because he didn’t act on it.

“You know Sammy Lawrence?” Norman mused, looking through the window into the music room. “For a long time, he was dating his- very much male, I should mention- lyricist. I saw them making out once- this gorgeous pretty boy and this middle-aged marshmallow- I guess love is blind and all that. I’ve got no damning evidence of it, but I’d bet anything that Joey Drew is gay as well. And I could go on! This studio has more queer people than you would believe, and my powers tell me about more than just existential dreads.” There was a pause. Norman turned back to look at Grant. “So. As a living lie-detector, one of the best gaydars you’ll ever see on a straight man, and your best friend of over half a decade who would never betray you... you can tell me anything about what’s going on with him.”

Grant gave a sigh of relief. “I’m so glad you’re okay with this. And yes, I’m considering dating Shawn.”

“Great. He likes you- I could tell.”

“Thanks. But I already knew- he kissed me suddenly about ten days ago. I didn’t know how to react, and I kind of froze up, and I told him that I liked him, but I needed to think about whether we could be together. Up until last night, I thought I’d tell him ‘no-’ I just hadn’t had the willpower to yet. And then I had an epiphany.”

“What was the epiphany?”

“I realized that I respect a bunch of very unconventional people- yourself included- so it’s okay that I’m not perfectly conventional. But... even if it’s not inherently wrong, the idea of acting on it still scares me. If my mother ever found out, it would break her heart. My father would be humiliated if anyone else knew about it, and he might not want to speak to me again. And if it got to my ex-wife, she’d do anything she could to keep me away from my kids- she might even report me. I don’t have to worry about any of that if I don’t act on it. I don’t know... is it even responsible to risk it? These are people I have obligations to. Is it worth it?”

“Well, only you can choose that. But don’t you want a chance at actual love? I mean, I sure like having a loving partner. Why give that up over the risk that someone else might find out?”

“I guess you’re right. Shawn could be my only opportunity for a while. I really don’t know if I want to get involved in whatever culture gay men have going on. If the stereotypes are true, I’d be walking into a group of dangerous people looking to take advantage of a naïve outsider. Of course, they might not be true, but I don’t want to just walk in without knowing. And anyhow, I wouldn’t know how to find anything like that if I tried.”

Norman nodded, taking some time to process everything he’d said. “Alright. Look- you’re overcomplicating a bunch of simple problems by rolling them together into one big problem. Just take it one issue at a time. You want your family to be happy? Make them happy, and don’t worry about something that won’t hurt them. Any partner you might have will know that this kind of thing has to be kept secret, and New York is a big city- you can hide it. You want to date Shawn? Date Shawn. I can tell he makes you happy. You don’t want to get into gay culture without knowing what it’s like? Then don’t. I don’t know anything about their culture, but you have no idea how many gay men are here at Joey Drew Studios. Plenty of people you can ask about it to decide if it’s your thing.”

“Wow. Thank you. You really made that all sound so simple.” Norman had a way of cutting straight to the point.

“Yeah. You’re gonna be okay. Heck, even if you decide not to have a love life after Shawn, I’m glad you’ll be doing it because you’re risk-adverse and not because you’re still ashamed.”

“Thanks again. Now I need to go find Shawn.”

In the end, Grant couldn’t find Shawn before it was time to get back to work, so the next day he left a note in his locker with some flowers. Like a schoolboy. Ridiculous. But that was how Shawn made him feel.

Over the next few years, their relationship went on, and off, and on again. They fought, probably more than the average couple. But overall, they were glad to have each other. It was worth it.    

[beeblackburn]

The Anti-TBR Tag

I was tagged by @books-and-doodles! Thank you! And poor you, for I am a long-winded bastard.

1. A popular book EVERYONE loves that you have no interest in reading?

On general principle, I feel like the really popular stuff (Twilight, Throne of Glass, Divergent, The Mortal Instruments) ends up being stuff I’m inherently not going to be attracted to and some of them have their own hatedoms going on, so going after them in detail would be punching down (though I don’t particular like any of the above). So I’m going to try to go off the beaten path with these seven:

A Darker Shade of Magic by V.E. Schwab = nothing against her personally, though I heard her The Invisible Life of Addie LaRue was baaaaad, but apparently, she’s similar to Sanderson in the magic system being better than the characterization and I heard her writing’s got a white faux-female empowerment sort of thing going that I’m growing increasingly... discontent of by itself. I might try it out later, but I also got hundreds of books to drill through first and I’m in no rush.

Ninth House by Leigh Bardugo = I’ve been increasingly getting the sense that Six of Crows was a flash in the pan, Bardugo’s style more defined by fun than genuine substance. And given a rather scathing review that points out unearned shifts in characterization, lackluster supporting cast, and two really uncomfortable exploitative sexual assault fantasy scenes (one of which was underaged!), I’m gonna say no.

A Deadly Education by Naomi Novik = I generally like Novik! She’s a very solid writer to me and I’ve bought most of her books, so this is purely me not taking to the Wizarding School genre. Sorry, Novik, "a twisted, super dark, super modern, female-led Harry Potter" isn’t the selling point it once was, and even then, I probably wouldn’t have taken to it. Especially when I’ve already got The Gray House by Mariam Petrosyan to read.

The Alloy of Law by Brandon Sanderson = I’ve got mixed feelings on Mistborn looking back: it’s hardly the worst of his oeuvre (Elantris is that and was admittedly his first book) and The Final Empire took a few narrative risks that I admire, I also found the resulting books a tad juvenile and I don’t take to steampunk, genre-wise. I’m not even that much of a Sanderson fan, so I’d rather just read the summary for all I care.

Storm Front by Jim Butcher = given what I’ve been told about The Dresden Files’ lessening of noir roots past the first few books, how it later became more flashy-and-bang magical, and how it’s pretty sexist early on (and from what I’ve been told, doubled down on it later on and having worse treatments of its female characters), I’m in no particular rush to read them. The urban fantasy genre on them only turns me off more.

The Doors of Stone by Patrick Rothfuss = hahaha, I’m sorry, I did read The Name of the Wind, and read select parts of The Wise Man’s Fear, but everyone, instead of waiting and devoting your time for this book to come, I would suggest reading Fitz, Who Is Actually Good and Can Wring More than Disgust and an Eye-Roll out of You in Robin Hobb’s Realm of the Elderlings, given she is far better at characterization than Rothfuss.

Anything by Paul Krueger, Sam Sykes, and Myke Cole = fuck all three of these men and the idea that I’ll pay for their stuff. While I can’t demand any of you not buy from them and I’ll hardly claim to be a saint in terms of ethics, purchase-wise, I would beseech you all please don’t buy from these three authors who have a history of inappropriateness.

2. A classic book (or author) you don’t have an interest in reading?

Charles Dickens = look, I know his word count is padded because of serial installments back then, but I’m sorry, I wasn’t that impressed by the child-sanitized versions of Great Expectations and Oliver Twist. They were easily some of the most boring of out of the child-sanitized classics I read. It was the pictures that kept me going and barely at that. No thanks.

Emily Brontë =  look, if I wanted shitty people being shitty to each other, I’d much rather read Joe Abercrombie because at least I’ll get some intentional dark comedy out of dumb shitheads being terrible to each other (Best Served Cold comes to mind). And I know we’re not meant to like these self-destructive people, but I’d rather not hate everyone that much.

Alexander Dumas = Three Musketeers really didn’t age well, just from the TV Tropes page and I’m not really looking forward to an adventure that goes out of its way to valorize its protagonists being adventurous assholes who dueled, drank, and womanized harder than anyone else and we should commend that because they were men. Ugh.

3. An author you have read a couple of books from & have decided their books are not for you?

Leigh Bardugo = like I said, I feel like Six of Crows (and Crooked Kingdom, to a lesser extent) was a flash in the pan and she’s been increasingly running on fumes ever since then. Good and fun with a decent eye for characterization, but hardly revolutionary, considering how I think Crooked Kingdom isn’t quite as good as Six of Crows, and the less said about Shadow and Bone, the better.

Neil Gaiman = I’ve read some of his stuff (and I didn’t quite see the hype over his writing, but liked it decently enough) but having heard that, in his Sandman run, he wrote in a transwoman solely to get killed for an emotional ending and how he defended that choice for awhile left a battery acid taste for me to read more. He’s a formative part of people’s childhoods, so I don’t blame anyone for being fans, he’s just not for me.

Steven Erikson = really nothing against the dude, I’m sure he's probably a decent guy, but I didn’t take to Gardens of the Moon at all and skimming Deadhouse Gates and Memories of Ice (which were admittedly better) made me realize its prose was something I would need a hard and sharp shovel to crack through, and the darting around of many, many POVs made me feel not invested in anyone.

4. A genre you have no interest in OR a genre you tried to get into & couldn’t?

I’ll answer both because I have the time:

I’m not interested in romance, mostly because it’s an entire genre built around the build-up. It’s usually the story about the beginning of a relationship, not the relationship itself. I’d genuinely like to read about the story of a romance that doesn’t stop shortly after the hook-up or before the honeymoon period ends. The City Watch parts of Discworld by Terry Pratchett, The Memoirs of Lady Trent by Marie Brennan and The Sharing Knife by Lois McMaster Bujold all have romantic elements that are relatively undrenched in melodrama or frills, but none of them are pure romances, which is a huge problem. I can take romantic subplots in fantasy, but I can’t take the genre as-is.

Urban fantasy is a genre I’m not against having my mind changed on liking, but right now, I generally find it insipid, a shortcut to good world-building, short on great characterization, and an excuse to lampshade and pretense to being above fantastical clichés in a tongue-in-cheek attitude while still committing to them. I do genuinely like Rivers of London by Ben Aaronvitch, but that’s really the concession I can give the entirety of the genre. I took a crack at Rick Riordan and Cassandra Clare’s stuff, but it didn’t feel like my sort of thing. Again, would like to be convinced, but I’d much rather read a domestic or slice-of-life fantasy set in a more overtly fantasy world than the urban one. 

Also, sci-fi, but I’m trying again with the Wormwood trilogy by Tade Thompson, An Unkindness of Ghosts by Rivers Solomon, and either the Imperial Radch trilogy by Ann Leckie, or the Teixcalaan trilogy by Arkady Martine. I snoozed through Azimov’s Foundation and generally bored myself of hard sci-fi books, so I’m hoping contemporary sci-fi changes my mind on the entire genre.

5. A book you have bought but will never read?

A book I personally bought? Honestly, Traitor’s Blade by Sebastien de Castell. No particular reason, I just bought it at a closing-down sale at a branch of my bookstore on the cheap because the cover looked nice and didn’t really take to its blurb. I heard good things though, so if anyone else wants to read it...

I tag @vera-dauriac, @xserpx, @autoapocrypha, @kateofthecanals, @turtle-paced, @insecticidalfeminism, @secretlyatargaryen, @helix-eagle-hourglass-nebula, @xillionart, @jovolovo and whoever else that is following me and wishes to do this tag (I’d like to read your posts, so please tag me! :D)

[morsking]

And so we have concluded Lostbelt 2! Now that I’ve experienced it for myself, I have a much clearer picture about how I feel about this chapter. As I progressed one thing became very clear to me, and that was that Hazuki Minase likely did NOT have any influence with this chapter, and its weakest points can be attributed to its main writer, Hikaru Sakurai, once we more closely scrutinize her work.

For starters, I would like to apologize to the people who kept trying to tell me Minase had nothing to do with the writing of Losbelt 2. You were correct, I simply acted stubbornly because I was terrified that one of the writers I loathe the most had returned to haunt and corrupt the franchise I hold very dear to me. I insisted on blaming him for any flaws because he was an easy scapegoat and a bogeyman, and while we all agree he is a pervert and a hack who should be fired, it is simply not fair to point fingers at imaginary criminals. A person should always be held accountable only for the misdeeds they have actually committed. Indeed, we may now explore Lostbelt 2 and the integrity of its writing with a more objective perspective, or rather as objective as I can manage to be.

The overall theme of the Lostbelt is “acknowledging one’s emotions as a vehicle for personal growth”. The issue persistent in the setting of Lostbelt Scandinavia was that it was a place where only young humans were allowed to survive. These humans would be oblivious to what real growth and prosperity were really like. They were innocent, and emotionally and intellectually stunted groups of people who only knew to live for the truth of their eventual demise. They lived short, rushed lives where they would stay ignorant of basic human experiences, such as love, grudges, aging, vice, hate, competition, and companionship because they devoted themselves to living how Scathach-Skadi ordered them to. They were unable to think or decide what to do for themselves, and were thus incapable of not just taking the reins to decide their own evolution as we do in Proper Human History, but also of fathoming doing such a thing in the first place.

This is a mirror to Ophelia Phamrsolone. Ophelia was conditioned to only listen to others for purpose and direction. Ophelia doesn’t actually know how to listen to her own feelings or even what those feelings even are because she was never allowed to connect not just with herself but with anyone. Ophelia, like Surtr points out, is still very much a little girl terrified by everything around her because she has no balance, no capacity for finding her center as a healthy and normal human being would. Unbeknownst to herself, all her interactions with others are a plea for help. Her very first interaction with Mash in 2017 was asking her if she’d like to have lunch with her and Pepe because Ophelia is terrified by male strangers and wishes to connect with other women as well. Ophelia’s conversations with Kirschtaria are also her not knowing how to proceed with challenges and therefore appealing to authority both for comfort and advice. Finally, her monologues with the Alien Priestess are Ophelia venting about how she feels, as if she were unaware of what to really think of herself as her helplessness and indecision drown her in a lake of self-loathing. 

These cries for help extend to the way she summons her Servants. Ophelia is noted to be incredibly proficient at evocation. Some might even call her a genius. In fact, she is such a genius she unknowingly managed to contract not just with one, nor two, but three different Servants all at once. The first Servant to answer her summon was Sigurd, the King of Warriors from Nordic mythology. The second Servant was Surtr the King of Giants and Scourge of Ragnarok (titled by yours truly), who hijacked the summoning and took over Sigurd. The third, and most pivotal, was Napoleon Bonaparte, the French Emperor whose Spirit Origin was modified to embody the “ideal Good Fellow who could make dreams come true” rather than the actual historical Napoleon.

What these three Servants have in common is that Ophelia wished for all of them from the darkest depths of her heart. Ophelia desired capable Servants who could give her some form of direction and stability. 

Sigurd, for example, is a hero renown for rescuing Brynhild and giving brand new meaning to her life by showering her with love and devotion. Love and devotion are things that Ophelia not just desires to be shown but actively struggles to adequately express to others because she has never known what it’s like to experience those things. To Ophelia, Sigurd represents “being given that which you have never known and finding fulfillment”. 

Surtr, on the other hand, embodies a darker type of direction: the terror stagnation, conformity, monotony, inaction, and eternal suffering. Surtr exercises control over Ophelia by threatening to destroy the world if he is released, prompting Ophelia to flash to her childhood locked away by her abusive parents every dreaded Sunday. Surtr locks Ophelia into a state of helplessness and indecision where she has to carefully consider how she will proceed with dealing with Surtr. Ophelia has decided to lock herself in with him as a way to prevent him from breaking out of both Sigurd’s body and the physical prison inside the Lostbelt’s sun. This is a situation where Ophelia is in a constant state of stress and fear, since as a Crypter the last thing she could ever want to see is the destruction of yet another world by her hands. More personally, the death of the Lostbelt would also mean death for Ophelia, as she has failed her purpose once again and thus would have no worth as a person. However, what Ophelia cannot understand, because Surtr himself does not, is that Surtr’s destructive impulses are how he wants to show love and devotion towards her. Surtr has reasoned that since their worlds abandoned them after they failed to perform their ordained tasks, the only thing left is to annihilate them completely as retribution for their suffering. Surtr does not wish to hurt Ophelia, but because he is a being defined only by his overwhelming desire to burn everything, he cannot help her heal or grow in any way that matters. All he can offer is annihilation. To Ophelia, Surtr represents “self-destruction through a static state of being”.

Finally, there is Napoleon. Napoleon represents a pronounced antithesis to Ophelia��s entire personality. He is an upbeat, improvising, confident man who chooses to not stress over things because what he is seeing is only what lies ahead, not what lies in front of him.He also breaks her defenses by asking something so ridiculous and unexpected as her hand in marriage when they have only just met. Napoleon refuses to give in to any negative outcome regardless of how much the odds are stacked against him, as he demonstrated in Scathach-Skadi’s throne room where he refused to let Sigurd kill his Master despite being restrained by Skadi’s paralyzing rune. He demonstrates this once again when he blows his final shot at Surtr during the final battle, sacrificing his own life to give Chaldea the opportunity to regroup and bombard Surtr to bring him down. He is called the Man of Infinite Possibilities precisely because he faces the unknown head on and finds the best path to walk for his comrades to advance. He does not let fear take over his heart and judgement, he creates a rainbow as a bridge connecting the present to the bright, shining future. He is precisely the hero Ophelia needs, because he embodies “the bravery to grasp your own future and find your own direction”. 

But analyzing these characters further is a post for another time. What I want to get into are the gripes I have with this Lostbelt. 

Now, I could lead you on through a couple more paragraphs before I wham you with what this all means in a much higher metatextual level, but I don’t have the time nor the creativity to do that so I’m just gonna give it to you straight. This square between Ophelia, Sigurd, Surtr, and Napoleon is the storyline that matters most in Lostbelt 2. Scathach-Skadi matters little despite her own parallels with Ophelia and being the Lostbelt King, and the situation with the Lostbelt’s inhabitants matters even less. Why?

Because Lostbelt 2 is Sakurai coming full circle and writing an otome game like Fate/Prototype was meant to be before Fate/stay night became a thing. 

SHOCKER!! SOUND EFFECTS OF SURPRISE!! DRAMATIC KAZOOS GALORE!!

Now, that’s exaggerating a little. Or maybe not that much, actually.

What Sakurai was doing was applying conventional otome game tropes into the setting not just what she’s familiar writing for, but because Lostbelt 2 is inherently an incredibly self-indulgent project. 

There is a classic trademark otome fantasy at play here: the fantasy of multiple men being devoted to a female main character a player can relate to. There is no denying there is a certain appeal to the idea that there are several handsome men all willing to devore their entire lives to a person. Sigurd, Surtr, and Napoleon all embody certain otome game love interest archetypes. Sigurd is the cold, composed, intellectual man who is actually earnest, just, affectionate, and wise. Surtr is the dark-hearted troubled man with fiery disposition struggling with expressing love. Napoleon is the strong, confident, borderline pixie manic dream boy with almost zero brains but plenty of empathy and... *ahem*, physique to make up for his seeming lack of tact and intelligence (he’s a himbo is what I’m saying but that comes as no surprise). The problems arise with Napoleon himself, however. Napoleon hounds Ophelia with marriage proposals she refuses time and time and again. When he proposes to her in front of Chaldea for the first time, the narrative has Mash take Napoleon’s side and urges you to do the same because Sakurai believed the reader would’ve caught on to what’s actually going on between Ophelia and Napoleon. 

The issue here is that Sakurai’s clues up to that point had been far too hidden for the player to make a proper connection, and it’s not until AFTER the proposal that the player discovers Napoleon is predisposed to fall in love with whoever summons him because that’s what Ophelia wanted out of an ideal Servant. Because of the poor execution in presenting all these factors that completely recontextualize the relationship between Napoleon and Ophelia, when Sakurai has Napoleon say “You did not reject me therefore you DID agree,” we jump to the conclusion that Napoleon is engaging in extremely reprehensible behavior and ideology reminiscent of dangerous and abusive men IRL rather than take it as harmless flirtation from a well-meaning oaf of a man as he tries to break the shell of his beloved. Sakurai invokes a very dangerous trope that does more to excuse misogynistic behavior when done incorrectly rather than successfully appear as a romantic gesture of attempting to liberate a loved one from the clutches of isolation and victimhood.

On a larger scale, the application of these tropes is where Lostbelt 2 starts to suffer, and that’s where Sakurai’s writing further begins to resemble Minase’s. Sakurai spent so much time building these interpersonal dynamics that she spent the least amount of effort actually building upon the situation of the Lostbelt and Scathach-Skadi’s character and motivations for keeping the Scandinavia the way it is. 

Upon scrutiny, it’s not very difficult to pick apart the setting and make a mark out of the glaring logistical inconsistencies of maintaining a population of only 10,000 humans for a span of 3,000 years by having them reproduce at 15 years old at the latest to execute them at 25. Anyone with a passing understanding of biology would know that forcing children to carry babies to term can lead to terrible health and psychological complications that would certainly end up in a lot more miscarriages, stillbirths, and failed attempts at impregnation than actual successful births. The problem here then is rather evident. Sakurai wanted to use the fact that all these children are young, innocent, naive, gullible, and ignorant to draw a connection to Ophelia’s own psychological and emotional circumstance. However, she realized that because she was writing a setting that obligated her to work around a 3000-year gap between Ragnarok and the present day. She needed something that would compromise the need for a realistic system that would ensure the reproductive viability of a human population through such a long period of time and the thematic vehicle of childhood and repression of growth as a way to connect Ophelia to her environment. This compromise ended up working for the absolute worse because she chose the worst possible system she was aware was the worst possible system she could’ve come up with and therefore decided to forsake that part of the plot without going through the implications of it and leaving the specifics to the reader’s imagination so they could sort it out in her stead.

This unwillingness to properly explore the problematic implications of Scathach-Skadi’s system not only deprived the player of a possible engaging storyline where child endangerment, a common theme in the Nasuverse, is explored and criticized through a different angle, but also actively hurts Scathach-Skadi’s connection to the player because we never get the opportunity to debate with her about her ideology and the state of the Lostbelt. We never hold her accountable for enforcing such a brutally predatory and dehumanizing system that targets children, instead Sakurai opts to build her up as a flawed, self-absorbed mother figure desperately trying to combat the extinction of the remnant of her world who also never really learned how to deal with the revelation there is an entire life she did not get to have in this universe that we MUST sympathize because she occasionally sees through the characters and acts kind towards them until the time comes for us to fight her in earnest as a matter of principle completely divorced from the question of how she’s managed her Lostbelt. The fact Scathach-Skadi’s model of sustainability does not work is made obvious by the fact it takes place in a Lostbelt, what we are trying to get at here is that it does not work from a writing standpoint because of all the different holes you can poke on it before you’ve punched through the paper screen entirely and revealed the superfluousness of it all. 

There is nothing inherently bad about self-indulgent storylines. If I’m being honest, if Sakurai wanted to use Ophelia and Musashi as self-inserts to fantasize about romancing the different kinds of characters she finds attractive, more power to her. But the problem surrounding Lostbelt 2, which is the same problem that plagued Septem and Fate/Extella, is a veritable lack of restraint from her part as a professional writer in charge of a multi-billion dollar mobile game. What the writing room over at Type-Moon has to realize is that they are no longer a small doujin writing circle that can get away with whatever they want because they operate under obscurity. They are visible to the entire world and will be held accountable and criticized as professionals by consumers and their peers in the industry. A little bit of self-fulfillment in a published work never hurt anyone, you can cater to yourself most of all with your professional work (I mean, just look at She-Ra), but you must be sure that in your pursuit of indulgence your work does not suffer for it and ends up alienating and disappointing your fanbase and giving them the wrong impression of what you stand for. 

Anyway we’re popping the biggest bottles when GudaMoth becomes canon this December. 

[sepublic]

Amity’s ‘role’ in Luz’s fantasy

          So recently I had an epiphany thanks to @lost-gatesofhell, about Luz and her initial interest in Amity. I have to wonder if at first, Luz was partially interested in befriending Amity because it’d be like Azura befriending HER rival... In the sense that she’s trying to live out her fantasies, without considering that Amity is her own person and not a ‘prize’ to be won. I hate to compare Luz like this... but it could’ve been like how Warden Wrath was drawn to the ‘allure’, the IDEA of Eda as someone who was ‘hard to get’, a prize to be won... Of course in Luz’s case, she’s a lot less patronizing and objectifying of Amity, as seen when she respects the girl’s boundaries as soon as they’re set.

         Still, there’s this idea that while Luz is working on it, she hasn’t totally overcome her penchant for applying fantasy to real life and projecting her little adventures over what’s actually happening, for the sake of living them out... Obviously she learned her lesson in Episode 2, but like anyone else she’s not perfect and still liable to making the same mistakes from time to time, even if they’re a lot less frequent. Particularly, Luz learned not to expect the Boiling Isles to specifically cater to her fantasies, and to recognize situations for what they actually were. If Luz wanted a ‘magical destiny’ or adventure or anything like that, she’d have to work for it to happen, as Eda suggested.

         Of course, while Luz learned not to be entitled nor to expect life to just hand over her fantasies to her, there’s still this expectation and willingness to use Amity to fulfill that enemies to lovers friends trope, under the idea that at least Luz is ‘working’ for it. Luz knew then that things wouldn’t automatically be how she wanted them to be, and that she had to recognize this; But she’s still willing to make them fit her idealized fantasy regardless... Again tying back to what Eda said about having to ‘make your own destiny’, but there’s also the issue of boundaries and limits to be set, especially when actual people are involved.

        Sometimes, you just can’t live out your fantasy, period… Nor can you expect reality to change into it, even if you DO put in the work to alter it accordingly. Even if it is possible, is it ethical and worth the effort to steamroll over the autonomy of others, and see them only as tropes and roles to fulfill in your story? Not as people with their own stories? Maybe it’s pointless to try to make up for this by occasionally ‘fulfilling your part’ in another person’s story, because nobody should have to deal with that sort of expectation at all, period! Even if it’s consensual on behalf of both parties, it’s still pretty sus... And it ties into the ideas of the Coven System, of Witches having to fulfill a certain role, be it as the Bard, or the Oracle, or the Illusionist... That you have to stick to a particular trope, that there’s no mixing parts or being creative with this!

       Everybody has to be quickly and readily defined by a specific role they can neatly fit into, as ordained by Belos; There’s no room for growing beyond that, save for special people like those who fit into the Emperor’s Coven, the kind who are worthy of being ‘main characters’ in a sense, and thus allowed to be fleshed-out and ‘unique’! Everybody else, though- They’re a side-character, an NPC. It’s like those jokes of friend groups consisting of ‘the smart one’, the ‘funny one’, ‘the jock’, etc., but taken to a dark and far too literal extreme. There’s no room for someone to be the funny one AND a jock, that guy’s already a jock, don’t encroach on other people’s roles, you’ll get distracted from the specific function you have to fulfill!

        (There isn’t anything wrong with doing this in writing of course, especially since one is handling fictional characters and not real people; But from an in-universe perspective, these characters ARE actual people to one another. After all, in real life one wouldn’t define someone as JUST a chef, they also have other aspects and interests to their life that aren’t solely related to food! It’s like the revelation that teachers have lives outside of school, or how that person you know on the internet probably has a job unrelated to whatever interest they’re talking about. People aren’t JUST the jobs they do, and it’s unreasonable to expect them to dedicate their entire existence to fulfilling that role. People should have breaks and be allowed to pursue different interests, maybe even leave their ‘job’ if it’s no longer for them. So YES Karen, this person’s job IS to help customers, but that doesn’t mean their entire worth and meaning as a person solely revolves around this, nor should this person be expected to help customers 24/7 when their shift has already ended anyway.)

          But back to the subject... Luckily, Luz’s issue with molding reality into her fantasy is confronted and further resolved by Wing it like Witches. And even if Luz was projecting her stories onto Amity a bit in order to live out a ‘rivals to friends’ fantasy... It’s worth noting that Luz was also legit interested in Amity as a friend, too! Not to mention Luz is VERY concerned about earning Amity’s approval in Adventures in the Elements... Maybe part of Luz’s motive is not wanting to mess up with an ‘elusive’ friendship, or that’s what Luz tells herself... But more than likely, it’s indicative of a crush that Luz isn’t aware of. Sadly, this girl hasn’t had enough social interaction to differentiate between plantonic friendship desires and being romantically attracted to an actual peer VS a fictional character!

         Which is yet another reason why I love Lost in Language, it’s that Luz was interested in the idea of befriending Amity, of a rival turned friend, rather than just Amity herself... And maybe Amity overheard this when Luz mentioned “First I befriend the siblings, then Amity!” and that contributed to her tomato face of anger- Having the painful barriers she’d erected as a trauma response and the loneliness that came from that being trivialized isn’t great. Amity didn’t appreciate being objectified like that, solely for the emotional barriers she’d set up for a reason. It’s one thing to want to be Amity’s friend the way Boscha and others did- But is Luz really interested in Amity, or just in the idea of her? Is this love conditional on Amity’s social status, which Amity is told is both inherent to her as a Blight, and yet something she has to constantly earn and maintain? Especially the idea of ‘winning’ Amity, that’d be particularly patronizing… But very quickly, Luz remembers that Amity is her own separate individual, who doesn’t exist to fulfill her fantasies.

        Luz appreciates Amity as she really is (perhaps not coincidentally after getting insight into the girl’s true personality through her diary entries), which leads to Luz working to protect Amity’s boundaries by keeping her diary from Emira and Edric! There’s the idea of getting to know and appreciate Amity for who she really is, and Luz working to let the girl embrace that part of herself both internally and externally as well... Which again ties back into the idea of projecting the idea/image of fantasies onto someone/something, VS accepting what/who they actually are, and thus appreciating them even more as a result!

         Amity, of course, realizes that Luz is genuine and actually wants to know about the person she really is... And she’s baffled. While she was no doubt offended by Luz possibly seeing her more as a trope to fulfill than an actual person, it probably wouldn’t have been anything new to Amity; The idea of others seeing her as a means to an end, given how her own parents and Lilith did the same! Disappointing, but not surprising...

        But now it IS surprising, because Luz wants to know about Amity- And she’s not used to good things in life, alas? And how to respond? She’s well familiar with the process of rejecting people, but when it comes to accepting someone- What does she do then? And this plays into Amity’s insecurities and confusion about Luz and how she feels, not wanting to lose a friend, not wanting to hurt them, not wanting to ruin things if Luz wants her only as a friend... Not sure if Luz really means it or not because she’s still insecure, and OF COURSE the idea of a crush, and wondering what Luz could see in someone like her?!

        Amity at least better understood Luz’s motives back when she assumed it was just to fulfill her Azura fantasies, because Amity was familiar with those and her own desire for them. But now that Luz has given up on that... Why does she continue to be so interested in Amity, of all people? And even if Luz was still living out her fantasies, what more could Amity accomplish anyway, now that she’s a friend to Luz; Why does Luz continue to express interest in Amity, and be willing to do so much for the girl? Luz already got her Rivals-to-Friends trope in Amity, but she continues to hang out with the girl of her own volition and unconditionally help her; And Amity is possibly freaking out on what Luz’s motives are, even though she at least knows the girl isn’t a bully and means well!

        Mostly, I think Amity KNOWS that Luz is interested in being a genuine friend... But she’s still overwhelmed by the idea of someone being romantically interested in her, or at least more interested in Amity as a friend compared to others; Because the girl underestimates her own worth too much, she doesn’t see herself as worth getting to know if she doesn’t specifically accomplish a purpose! Odalia and Alador conditioned Amity to evaluate others based on their usefulness, or else be useful to others... So Amity is wondering what about her is so specifically appealing to Luz, especially when Luz has disregarded all of Amity’s other traits that make her ‘worthwhile’, such as her intelligence, social status, knowledge on magic, etc. The only thing left about Amity, to appreciate... Are the things that define her as individual, not as a Blight or a Top Student! And it’s unimaginable, or at least surreal to the girl, for Luz to be interested in that...

       Amity only knows friendship in terms of being ‘useful’ to someone else... Emira and Edric were genuinely interested in Amity as a person, but she’s probably dismissed this as a given since they’re family members, not to mention Ed and Em have admittedly done their part in making Amity doubt how much she means to them. So what does Amity do, when Luz expects nothing of her? No doubt Amity feels like she’s a ‘parasite’, that she’s leeching off of Luz’s good nature and not giving back enough... Maybe she’ll feel like she has compensate for their friendship and justify it, only for Luz to make it clear to Amity that just being with the girl, and seeing her be happy, is all she’ll ever need! And it’ll amaze Amity, and mean so much to her, to realize that she’s inherently worthwhile, and that she doesn’t need to ‘prove’ herself to others in order to be lovable...

         TL;DR Luz was initially trying to live out a ‘rivals to friends’ story, but learned not to objectify Amity like this... And when confronted with a growing crush on the Blight girl, Luz possibly assumed she was just relapsing into old habits. But inevitably, Luz is becoming more and more aware of how much she just genuinely likes Amity as a person, no strings attached, that the girl is irreplaceable to her. And when Amity recognizes that there’s no big secret to why she means so much to Luz, other than just being herself, that Luz’s love isn’t dependent on superficial traits that could easily be replicated by someone else, that Amity is irreplaceable to Luz... It’ll do wonders for her crippled self-esteem, as she learns that she doesn’t need to impress people in order to be loved. Amity, as she already is, without having to make any efforts to improve herself, is already worth loving both in the platonic and romantic sense!

      As for Luz, well- She didn’t get the fantasy she expected... But she still got to live out a different one. Amity really IS this girl’s fantasy, and this time, I mean it in the best way possible!

[hecohansen31]

Not The Right Time

The Story of How She Found Out:

Ivar+Reader (Modern! AU)

(Chapter 1: The Story of How We Ended Up There)

(Chapter 2: The Story of How He Found Out)

(A/N): Hello there, lovelies!

I hope you’ll like this chapter!

I haven’t been feeling the best lately mentally for various reasons, so youd feedback would mean the world to me.

I also wanted to say that like with ‘To Kill A King’ this was supposed to end in a much different (and longer note) but I just felt like it was better to cute it and analyse more in the following chapters.

As always: your feedback motivates me to write faster, so if you leave anything, such as an heart, a reblog or a comment you’ll have my heart for ever and ever!

Have a nice day and reading!

SUMMARY: You are slowly learning to trust Ivar, when he is brought apart by some interesting news and a difficult choice: revealing the truth or continue on lying?

WORDS: 8, 5 K

WARNINGS: Pregnancy, Unexpected Pregnancy, Pregnancy at a Young Age, Mention of Abortion (and Being Harsh About it), Heartbreak and General Angst, Abandonement Issues and Being A Single Mom, Mention of Infertility, Talk about Custody Battles and Custody, Fighting and Angst, Use of The Word Cripple.

He remembered the day he had decided that he had wanted to be something more than simply friends with you.

You had been best friends since you were nothing more than children: you had always been the only one who had softly interacted with him, the only child of a couple who had just transferred in the small city, and not many people seemed open enough to start friendship.

Hence you had been pushed together and had seen each other grow, till the day Ivar had looked at you differently.

He remembered perfectly the way you had dressed, because it had been the first time you had shown yourself at school with a skirt.

It had been the first day of the third year of high school, it was hot enough to make everyone wary of coming back to school and of wearing anything that went below the knee, hence you had solved the problem wearing a simple straight skirt.

Light blue with a checkered fantasy, matched with a blue blouse in the perfect ‘schoolgirl’ style, nothing extremely seductive or surprising, hadn’t you worn hoodies and graphic t-shirt for all your life, till that day.

And Ivar had realized that you weren’t a simple friend anymore, you were a girl.

You had seemed uncomfortable in the entire ensemble, even more when Hvitserk had joked with you, asking you ‘when had you suddenly grown tits?’.

You had just tried to cover you up for the rest of the day, even going as far as to ask Ivar if it was too much.

And part of him thought it was too much, because he didn’t want guys to see those ‘naked’ long legs exposed, transformed from the gangly ones always covered with bruises from your clumsy behavior he was used to.

And even those curves as dangerous as a nightly road.

‘… I mean…’ he hadn’t been able to mumble something more than ‘… you look nice’.

And the fact that you still tortured him in his dreams with that smile you had given him after, was a further proof of how much he had felt for you, back then.

And how much you still had an impact on him like that.

He woke up, suddenly, sweating cold as he turned onto one side, sensing a body near him and he couldn’t help but think that it was you.

It had to be you.

Before anything sexual had happened, you had started sleeping together as soon as you could.

As a restless sleeper you were more comfortable tucked under Ivar’s arms, whereas he felt like there was a wonderful intimacy between you two, much better than anything sexual his brothers told him they did with their girlfriends.

And there was something inherently sensual in your soft voice in the morning, the hazed movements and the soft caresses, such as your nose brushing against his neck, or his hands around your hips, bringing you closer.

He was so lost in the entire dream that he didn’t realize immediately that the person beside him hadn’t your hair color, neither your face and your sweet smile.

It was Freydis, not you.

And he shouldn’t have been that disappointed.

He raised his body into an upright position, pain already shooting through his legs, signaling him that he wouldn’t have an easy day, even worsened by the fact that Freydis seemed to immediately understand his discomfort, waking up quickly after.

‘You shouldn’t wear the braces and you should use the wheelchair’ she always suggested on these days, even more if it was on the weekend, insisting they should have just laid in bed, peacefully.

But he just had this constant need to push and prove himself, to the point that rest wasn’t ever his priority even more when Freydis tended to him in that childish way that reminded him of his mother’s overbearing attentions.

Were you also that way with Eric?

From what he had seen the child had a large margin of freedom, maybe even more than he would have allowed, worried about the fact that he might end up hurt.

But wasn’t that the same reason he was chastising Freydis’ behavior?

Heahmund would have said he was a hypocrite.

About Heahmund, he should have spoken to him mostly to talk with him about the small progress he had made and ask for some tips on what to do next, although he knew that his future… was simply in your hands.

“I can bring you breakfast in bed” suggested Freydis, as she got up in her small white babydoll, the incarnation of naïve sensuality and still Ivar couldn’t feel as any man would have felt with such a woman.

“Thank you, sweetheart” he spoke, thankful for the absence of Freydis so he could talk with Heahmund and could reason on what to do about Eric and Freydis.

As much as he wanted nothing more than to keep the two worlds separated, he didn’t want to continue on lying to his fiancé, even more when she was undergoing expensive treatments to have his child.

But he thought he could push it back further, after the previous night you might not want to see him again and he might be forced to back off, as much as he hated the thought of it.

Even more now that he knew Eric.

The sweetness of that boy was a welcome change to the personality he had expected of a spoiled annoyed child, as he had been at his age, broken in by the exclusion and rejection of his fellow ‘friends’.

He hadn’t asked many questions to Eric about his life, not knowing if it was allowed and knowing that you wouldn’t have liked him snooping on your life, but he made a mental point to talk to him about it, if he ever met him again.

“Somebody is full of thoughts today” surprised him Freydis as she set down the breakfast tray onto the bed, between her and Ivar, taking the man’s hand softly “… something troubling you, my love?”.

“Just some things at the company” he replied, feeling bad for lying to her, but he didn’t know what he could say.

‘Hey babe, you know how I can’t get an erection for you? Well when I was in high school I could… and I got somebody pregnant’.

The worst thing ever was the fact that he knew how Freydis would have felt, like there was something wrong in her… and he knew all too well the feeling, so he didn’t want her to feel that way.

“You should ask them for some free time, they overwork you” suggested Freydis, kissing his hands.

Another reason why he loved Freydis so much was her continuous silent support, the way she would know how to make herself useful without getting on his nerves.

“… but then how would I be able to take care of you?” he smirked softly, a hand drifting onto her flat stomach “… and of our growing family?”.

Another flash of memory pushed your face on Freydis’ one as he imagined you with a full belly, the proof of your pregnancy shown as the bright smile of happiness on your face.

You definitely looked beautiful with a pregnant belly.

And so, would have Freydis.

“… want to relax helping me with some stuff for the wedding?” she suggested, a bright smile on her face, making one appear on Ivar’s, your face and your pregnant belly almost forgotten.

“… of course, sweetie”.

And as his eyes turned onto Freydis as she came in with invitation samples, a message from you came onto his phone.

Yeah, you were almost forgotten.

Almost.

---

Being a single mother could be extremely hectic, even more on the mornings when you had to juggle a job and your son had to go to school, a friend’s parent coming to pick him up on certain days since they had to take the same road to arrive to school.

What helped you was getting everything ready before ‘the beast’ woke up.

Your mother grabbed her coffee and her own breakfast, hiding in her room, a sign that she wasn’t ready to talk with you after what she had done the previous night.

You, yourself, didn’t know if you had to be thankful for what she had done or hate her for straight up disobeying the sole rule you had set up with her.

It was something that you would decide after the little chat that you were planning to have with Eric.

“Eric Luther (L/N) move your butt!” you screamed from the kitchen, hearing a matching giggle from the boy’s room, as you felt the familiar sound of your boy fumbling with his braces.

The doctor you had been seeing since Eric’s birth had suggested that you let your child do whatever he wanted to do on his own, trying to make him as autonomous as possible, as much as you could do that for a five-year-old.

As he came in the kitchen, stumbling and half asleep, rubbing on his eyes softly, you quickly moved to him, to tighten the braces as he leaned on comfortably against the furniture, till his crutch.

“… good morning, Flash” you joked softly, as you messed up your son’s sever bedhead, before kissing his nose, till he pushed you away, faking disgust, but you knew all too well that he was bashing in your affection “… slept well?”.

“Yeah” he spoke, although by his silence you were well aware, he wasn’t in the best mood, his legs probably hurting him “… can I have orange juice for breakfast?”.

“Of course, sweetie” you explained softly, moving back to the kitchen counter to fill a glass with orange juice as you offered him a plate with his favorite treat, adding some extra Nutella in his croissant “… can I get you anything else, my prince?”.

“Can I not go to school?” insisted the boy, with a way that was telling you he was taking advantage of the entire situation.

“Well… then also no soccer practice?” he immediately shook his head, promising that he was already feeling better “… can you sit, sweetie? I’d like to talk with you about something”.

“Of course, mommy” he quickly got up on the chair, using the crutch to keep himself up as he adjusted himself comfortably on the chair beside you, who had finished her own breakfast and was already in work clothes “… is it about your friend, Ivar?”.

“Yes” you almost hated that Eric had inherited Ivar’s skills for observing people “… did you… did you have fun with him?”.

You felt your palms growing sweaty as your breath came slower in your lungs, but you tried not to show anything.

“Yes!” happiness oozed from all his pores as he clapped his hands together “… we played Avengers and he told me more mythical stories! Did you know that once Thor dressed up as a bride to get his hammer back?!”.

The excitement in Eric’s eyes was contagious and you couldn’t help but smirk softly at him, daring a hand further to him to caress his face.

For a moment you almost wondered if his life would have been better if you had told Ivar you were expecting a child of his.

Maybe Eric would have smiled that sweetly each day.

“… would you…” your voice trembled lightly, and you tightened the grip on your hand on your thighs “… would you like to see him again?”.

“Yes yes yes!” screamed the boy, beating his fists against your kitchen table, making you laugh lightly to choke back tears as you made the boy rush back to dressing himself up to have a minute with yourself, collecting your body before you faced again your child.

Had it been truly a good choice to keep Ivar out of your child’s life?

Then you remembered the heartbreak he had put you through and thought about what it would feel for Eric to go through a similar ache, when he had already had so so many painful moments in his short life.

That’s why, no matter how good of an impression Ivar had done on your child, you couldn’t simply forgive him like that and made him come back in his life.

And you also had to take your time before you admitted to him that he was Ivar’s child.

Before you, yourself, started also thinking that way.

As Eric rushed out, saluting you shortly, your mother got out of her self-imposed exile, appearing on the doorway of your small kitchen as you rushed to make yourself busy.

“… you know that this doesn’t make you a bad mother” she commented setting herself on one chair, distractedly but searching your gaze.

“And what does that make you?” you couldn’t hold your tongue back anymore, a bit emotional about the entire admission of Eric and currently fighting with yourself about your own decision “… you sold me to the enemy”.

“I just realized before you that you can’t go on acting like you can do everything on your own” and as you were ready to reply to her, she shot you down with a quick look “… and don’t say that you have me, because as you have seen, I can’t always be there for you, one day…”.

“Do we seriously have to talk about it?!” you protested, tears now streaming freely on your face “… mom… I can’t…”.

“I know that you find it difficult to trust anybody but me, Eric or yourself, and I don’t blame you for that… after everything you have gone through… Ivar and your father… I know that it isn’t easy, but… you can’t simply destroy your health because of this” she reached for your hand, gripping tightly as you turned to face her “… you have to learn to let others in”.

“I am just scared that… maybe I did the wrong thing: Eric liked him… maybe I shouldn’t have ever ever hidden him” you set yourself down on the table the closest to your mother, leaning your head onto her shoulder “… maybe I just ruined his life…”.

“Sweetie calm down” she replied softly, pushing a hand through your hair “… us mothers do things on instinct which is something that always works, and we should never ever apologize for that! You did what you knew was right, which was pushing yourself away from the boy who had broken your heart”.

She softly pushed your hair away from your face, to look at you in your shared eyes.

“… now what has changed?” you asked, trembling.

“He isn’t a boy anymore, he is trying to make amend for what he broke and although what he broke might never become … whole again… you should allow him to help you, when you need it”.

“I don’t know…”.

“One step at the time” she spoke softly, before kissing the soft crown of your hair “… everything will be alright”.

You hoped so.

---

Ivar couldn’t help but be completely surprised by the fact that he was willingly coming to a doctor’s appointment, but you had asked him to come with you for a monthly check up, since he had wanted to be more present in his child’s life.

You and Eric hadn’t come yet, but he had also to admit that he had arrived early.

Still the knowledge of it hadn’t made him less nervous about it all.

And the fact that he hated waiting rooms at doctor’s office didn’t help.

He didn’t mind the doctors’ studios and hospitals, but waiting rooms made people look at him weirdly, as he shifted his braces against the ground in an attempt to calm himself.

To distract himself, he went through the plan you had elaborated with him to explain his presence to Eric: you had told him that since Ivar was a ‘senior’ at osteogenesis imperfecta might help the doctors with the right treatment for him.

He had also told Freydis to avoid calling him in the afternoon, having a big conference and being completely focused on it, since on it would depend the entire future of an important project.

The worst thing was that he hadn’t felt bad in the slightest to lie to her, being just happy of seeing again Eric.

He wouldn’t have chosen this doctor, but mostly because she focused onto pediatric medicine, but he could see where you came from, and what you could afford and couldn’t.

That’s why he had also decided to set up a deal for you about a financial help.

He knew you would be too stubborn to accept it, but you had a weak point: Eric.

He knew that the true reason why you were allowing him to see Eric was because he had been the one to insist with you to see Ivar again, and he couldn’t be happier.

You came in as Ivar was thinking that you would be late, just of a single minute before the start of the appointment, Eric stumbling happily on his crutches towards him, as you trailed behind him, with his jacket in your hands.

You were wearing jeans again, but a black skinny pair, and inserted in them was a white blouse with a jacket over it, in a casual elegance that stole his breath away.

Unlike Eric who literally smashed against him in a quick hug (he would have a quick talk with you about making Eric more wary of strangers), you simply smiled lightly at him, evidently at unease.

“Hey buddy!” he muttered as he ruffled the child’s hair and you sat down a chair away from him “… it’s nice to see you again”.

“You can tell me more stories!” squeaked Eric, gaining a look of reprimand from an old lady, to who Ivar glared enough to shut her up, before turning to his son, who was trying to sit on the chair.

“Hey… wait… I can help you” he insisted, worried about the way he moved, as a child he would have already broken a bone with such sudden gestures.

“No no, there is no need to” he spoke with confidence, finally settling himself onto the chair “… mom says that I am big enough to do it on my own!”.

“The doctor has told me that it is better for him to get used on doing things on his own” you explained, softly, as you set his jacket in his ‘Flash’ themed backpack.

He needed to watch that TV series, ASAP.

“… oh… I am just not used to it” although he was against it, he tried his best not to show any contrast to you as Heahmund had suggested.

But he couldn’t help but feel like it was just a tad irresponsible.

Aslaugh, his mother, would have never allowed it.

But his mother’s education had overprotected him to the point that it had smothered him and seeing the way Eric was so happy and hopeful he had to admit that maybe… maybe your parenting techniques weren’t bad.

He wasn’t allowed to think much more, because an Afro-American woman came out of the small ambulatory, with a medical jacket on her outfit and a smile on her face as Eric stood up, immediately greeting her.

“Auntie Caryn!” he ran to her, stumbling on his feet and hugged her, although he barely came to her waist, making the woman smirk as her gaze moved to you with a familiar smirk, moving then to Ivar.

And then shock and surprise was written on it.

He didn’t know what to say, suddenly a bit uncomfortable by the entire situation.

“Hello there, doc” you mumbled softly, taking back the child to calm him down, before turning to Ivar “… he is a friend of mine, the one… I talked about”.

He was worried about what you two had talked about but tried to be on his best behavior, smiling charmingly at the woman, who ushered you inside, simply mumbling a ‘oh this is new’.

Once inside she told Eric to get on the medical chair and wait for her, as you set up in a more private office, and you passed Caryn the medical records meanwhile Ivar sat down.

“He has been saying that his bones’ strength has been intensifying, but I don’t fully understand if he is saying it just to play soccer or…”.

“He plays soccer?” asked confused Ivar, feeling like he was basically a stranger in Eric’s life.

You turned to him annoyed, but still answered him.

“… yeah, he does, he is a goalie” and then turned towards the doctor “… today he woke up feeling pain, but it wasn’t enough to stop him or make him feel tired, still it hadn’t happened in three months”.

“That is a good sign” spoke softly the doctor, as she sat down examining exams after exams “… the level of pain endurance is always important to be kept under check in order for it not to worsen, unluckily it isn’t a proof of any bones strengthening”.

Your face immediately turned in a grimace, but you nodded lightly.

Ivar couldn’t help but notice how tense you were being, almost wanting to try to reach out for you, hadn’t he known that you would have rejected him, and such an open and heartfelt rejection would have pained him much harder than his legs.

“… and you must be the father” the words sounded uttered with a skepticism that brought Ivar back from his thoughts, and again it was you, who nodded.

Caryn had maintained her voice low, probably not to be heard by Eric.

“You share a similar pathology with Eric?” she continued, informing herself about his family history and his own treatment, which Ivar explained pretty quickly, getting the woman to nod along, meanwhile your grip onto the chair you hadn’t sat on tightened.

You definitely didn’t like doctor’s appointments, and he could understand why.

Aslaugh hadn’t either, but whereas you seemed to be more anxious, his mother had always and constantly been angry, with the doctor, with herself, with his father… her rage had always a great amount of varieties.

“… interesting” finished mumbling Caryn, before she dropped the papers and moved to her ambulatory, where Eric had ditched his pants and braces, and was now playing with the small action figures of Captain America.

“Ok, superhero, now go and lay down so that I can check your legs” told him the doctor and although Ivar was used to seeing his legs, he couldn’t help but be surprised by Eric’s, the same knocked and small bones he owned, lightly crooked in some places, in a way that seemed and was painful “… anything to tell me? Saved somebody lately?”.

“Just old ladies on cats on trees… you know… the old stuff” he joked, brightening the atmosphere “… I became a goalie in the soccer squad!”.

“Oh, that’s amazing!” complimented him the doctor, crouching down to the boy’s height as he sat himself in an upright position “… now let’s see how these pretty legs work”.

She did a quick check up, the child completely relaxing himself as she distracted him with some small talk, processing to touch up his legs and test his pain and strength.

Ivar moved his eyes from the check-up, only to check up onto you finding you nervous and tense, biting on your lips, as you tightened the grip on your hand, digging your colorful nails in your hands.

It was more natural then he had thought, but he reached out one hand out to you, uncaring of the rejection he had always feared so much.

But you gripped it back, giving it a light squeeze as your eyes focused themselves on Eric and Caryn, till the check-up came to a end  and you almost freed ashamed your hand from his grip.

“... everything alright” commented Caryn “… I do think that the treatment is working, but I can’t be sure till a bone break which is something that I hope you’ll avoid young man”.

Eric beamed, promising to avoid ‘anything dangerous’, but the smart smirk on his face said the exact contrary.

She then left him to dress up with the promise of a lollipop in her office, scribbling something in his medical papers, as Ivar asked a few questions.

But Caryn asked the most important one.

“… am I going to see you, again?” she said with something that might have seemed spiteful, hadn’t he seen the way she had taken care of Eric and the way she smiled at you: she had been there when you had no one to turn to.

“I hope to stick around” he was a bit annoyed by the implication that he wouldn’t stick around.

But he could also see where she came from, having seen a single mom raising a child by her own.

He still wanted to explain to her that it wasn’t exactly his fault, but…

… he thought it was better not to.

You were trying to trust him and had even let him onto a physical level, but he couldn’t simply think that everything was now settled.

“… am I allowed to take part in the Sunday match?” asked Eric, once he was again on his feet and crutch “… it’s going to be my first real match!”.

“Of course, sweetie” commented the doctor, finishing writing and rummaging through a drawer before getting out a colorful lollipop, that basically made the biggest smile appear on Eric’s face “… see you next month, Eric”.

And then she turned to accompany you out, greeting you and Ivar as you already had the Eric’s jacket in your hands, trying to convince the child to wear it.

“… it was nice meeting you, Mr. Lothbrock, hope to see you next time”.

He tried not to grimace at the sarcasm dripping from her voice.

“Mom can I eat the lollipop?” asked immediately Eric, as you smirked at him, having adjusted the jacket on his shoulder.

“Hey sweetie, I don’t think that would be a proper meal, for your afternoon break, but you can…”.

“What if we get ice cream?” suggested Ivar, knowing it was a low blow as you turned to glare annoyedly at him, but he wanted to spend time with his son, even if he had to use cheap tricks and childish ideas, because that’s all he had, against your big big brain and grunge against him.

“Yes yes yes!” and then he turned to you, although you had no chance “… can we please get ice cream, mom?”.

“I don’t think that my ‘no’ will stop you two” you mumbled, shooting an annoyed look at Ivar “… there is one near a park, so that we could talk”.

Well, that was troubling.

---

You cleaned Eric’s face, dabbing it with a small paper tissue, before sending the boy off to play, having to talk with Ivar, who was playing around with his own ice cream cup, messing his face the same way Eric did.

He had always been a messy eater, which was something that you didn’t mind since you, yourself, weren’t a polite one, but it brought you back to the old time when you were together and you would be sharing a plate of fries, after an hard session of studying.

“… did I do alright?” he commented, surprising you as he kept his eyes onto his meal “… maybe I exaggerated with the… ice cream…”.

“Eric seems to like you” you silenced him quietly, playing with Eric’s half-finished ice cream “… and as long as that keeps happening… you are alright”.

“Then maybe I could tell him” he suggested, his eyes shining brightly.

And like that you moved forward to look at him in the eyes, your grudge against him showing in your own eyes.

“Ivar, you broke my heart and I won’t let you do the same with my child” your tone was damnably serious, although you didn’t raise your voice “… so till I feel like I can trust you, you are simply a friend of mine”.

“Am I?” he raised an eyebrow with a smirk that had never failed to get on your nerve.

“I hope you can be” you breathed out softly, trying to gain the courage to speak with him again “… running away with Eric wasn’t the best idea, but I won’t apologize for doing what I thought was the best. I am still wary about your presence in my family, but it would be simply heartless to keep you out of it…”.

Ivar was now looking at you with surprise written all over in his face.

“… and unlike you I am not heartless” you delivered the finishing line and Ivar’s eyes veiled with sadness “… I hope you can understand where my distrust come from and respect it”.

“I don’t have a problem, as long as I can interact with Eric” although he seemed a bit hurt by your tongue-lashing “… he is a brilliant boy”.

“That he is” you spoke softening your tone at the mention of your boy, a you turned to see him trying to crawl up onto the small wooden castle in the park “… he is just gone through too much pain to also have his heart broken, again”.

“I’ll keep that in mind” he promised you and although Ivar might be a cunning little shit, you knew perfectly well that he would for ever ever hold the word he gave “… now… can I ask a few things about my child?”.

“I have photos for that”.

---

Although he knew that he hadn’t still won you over, as Ivar came back home he was the happiest man alive.

Eric was fine and although begrudgingly you had accepted his financial help, as long as you got to repay him, which he hoped would never happen, but you were too stubborn and honest.

He had always loved that about you.

Had he just said ‘love’?

He was halfway through looking at the photos you had shared with him, when he felt two pair of arms being pushed around his waist, gently hugging him from behind as Freydis pushed her head onto his shoulder.

“Ahh, it’s so nice to know that you aren’t dead” she commented, her tone as always soft, but he couldn’t help but notice something rotten in her tone, almost sarcasm.

“Sorry, sweetheart, just work… it’s been hectic” he confessed softly, turning around to kiss her softly on her forehead, his good mood unflinching even though she seemed a bit angry.

“… well you’ll have to take a bit off” her tone, again although gentle, didn’t allow any reply “… I have got some interesting news from the clinic”.

Which completely destroyed his good mood.

Because they either wanted him to undergo more therapy to strengthen his seed or they straight up wanted his seed, and he didn’t know which option was less interesting.

And more humiliating.

“I am all ears” he tried to muster a smile, thinking about the small video of Eric moving his first step, the braces on his legs so small that he had wanted to cry out “… is everyth…”.

“I am pregnant”.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

“Ivar, is everything alright?” her voice came to him as if it was too distant, far away and away “… it’s happy news, isn’t it”.

Of course.

They had been searching for that baby since they had become engaged and their wedding would be happening in three months, so he shouldn’t have felt that empty and apathetic towards that news.

Even more when he had the best time of his life with Eric.

He thought it was simply the shock and again mustered up a small smile on his face, hugging Freydis tight who had started crying on his chest, something that made the entire situation even more awkward.

“… I am just surprised sweetie, I didn’t think… hadn’t they said that the last sample of seed was too weak?” he asked.

Although he tried to leave the entire fertility clinic part at Freydis, since it was an entire new thing for him, whereas Freydis working in that climate, having a nurse degree, and being determinate about this, he still tried to keep track of it.

And the last time they had talked about it, Freydis had told him that the specialist had said that his seed was too weak to impregnate her, and the last two tries had gone badly.

There was something that wasn’t convincing him, but Freydis’ joy was so natural and sweet, and he just couldn’t call her a liar, and alongside that she rushed to the bathroom to retrieve the pregnancy test, showing itself as positive.

And in the end he couldn’t help but think that maybe his skepticism was a way to hide his guilt for having met Eric and you, ignoring Freydis, who would be his soon-to-be-wife and mother of the child she had worked so hard on having.

And maybe another part of his uneasiness about the subject was the fact that he hadn’t had a proper role in all this, but at the same time, again… that was partly his fault.

So, he just smiled through his teeth and gently tightened his grip on her waist, showing more enthusiasm in his smile, as she immediately matched him, kissing him softly on his lips as he smirked against them.

“Ahh beloved that is wonderful news!”

She moved to softly pepper his face with kisses, as she whispered about how lucky she had been and how beautiful it would all be.

‘It’ll just bring us together, even more!’ she cheered, as they sat down on the sofa, the pregnancy test forgotten onto their glass table ‘… that’s perfect timing’.

Ivar wasn’t so sure about it, but he faked a smile.

“We should celebrate it!” he proposed, feeling like the house was closing onto him “… our favorite restaurant, at 8 p.m.?”.

“Ahhh… I actually already did something…” she spoke softly, a slight blush gracing her beautiful face “… we had that dinner with Torvi and Ubbe… I thought it would be a perfect dinner to tell them the good news”.

And Ivar just swallowed his spiteful opinion and smiled.

“That’d be perfect sweetie”.

---

You kept on replaying the big smile that had been on Ivar’s face when you had showed him the first pictures of Eric.

At first you had been low key wary of showing something so intimate to him.

That was the main reason why you ditched social medias, but at the same time you felt like the journey you were on with Ivar, needed you both to take steps towards the other for the wellbeing of Eric.

Ivar had sacrificed his free time and had accepted to avoid admitting that he was Eric’s father, so you could show him a few silly pictures.

He had smirked brightly at the one of Eric overcoming the limits that his sickness had pushed him in, and you didn’t understand if he was happy for the child to have the chance he hadn’t had or if he was proud of your child.

Who was also his.

Either way, his smile haunted you as you crashed your head on the sofa, after you had managed to get Eric to start his ‘bedtime routine’, with your mother graciously taking care of the dishes as an apology of sorts for reaching out to Ivar without asking you.

You couldn’t help but feel fifteen again, having Ivar by your side, with that cute dorky smile of his, hidden with everyone but with you, as you smirked for a shared joke or when you caught him looking at you, concealing a smile that would make you blush.

But that was a dangerous road.

Because any memory about Ivar would bring you back to your ‘break-up’ story.

Although five years had passed, five years in which you had tried to desperately not think about Ivar, you still didn’t know why he had decided to break up with you.

The entire thing had just been too sudden and abrupt and you couldn’t help but think that the entire excuse of ‘having lost any feeling for you’ was the stupidest you had heard, and although you knew people had used some even more idiotic ideas.

But still… it had made no sense.

Ivar had never seemed the guy who was into it for simply the sex, unlike his brothers.

And maybe this was just an attempt to shift the focus from you, that you had been the problem.

Because it would have hurt you too much.

You were slowly spiraling down, when your phone started vibrating, signaling an incoming call, which either meant that Ivar wanted to schedule another appointment or you were being asked for another turn at the diner.

Both the ideas didn’t excite you particularly, but the number on the screen wasn’t known to you, and you thought it was maybe some publicity agency, so you were even more wary when answering it.

“… hello?” you mumbled, hearing a confused background till a familiar voice answered.

“Hey, (Y/N)?” you immediately recognized the voice of the owner of the gallery you had tried to get an internship in “It’s Tina from the gallery, am I bothering you?”.

‘No, I am just having a panic attack at the prospect of being pushed out of the best job I have had in a while’ you mentally thought but answered that it wasn’t a problem.

“I know it is late, but we have just finished a quick reunion and found ourselves to be very interested in working with you, the try-out was amazing…” you still didn’t understand how you had worked through it because you had felt like shit for the entire night, worried of having left Eric with Ivar “… so we thought about continuing on working with you, if you are still interested”.

“Oh” that was the best news ever “… of course! I’d like to work with you”.

“Then you start next week, a week trial, and then you are officially hired, I am sending to your email the timetable for this week”.

“Ahh yeah, thank you for the chance” you were honestly on the verge of tears “… see you on Monday”.

“See you on Monday” repeated softly Tina, before closing the call and you felt two pair of eyes on you, your mother having raised her face from the dishes and Eric who had listened onto the conversation.

And you couldn’t help but childishly reply:

“I got the job”.

“Then we have something to celebrate!” giggled your mother as Eric hugged you tight.

Maybe your life wasn’t going so badly…

---

He couldn’t help but feel like he just had to learn to be more discreet since the reveal of Freydis’ pregnancy, even more after his brothers had mentioned their meeting with (Y/N) at the diner.

‘Oh, Ivar hadn’t told me about it’ he had had a ‘Gone Girl’ flashback at Freydis’ voice and he had forced out a smile, replying with a simple:

‘It must have passed my mind’.

But Freydis had kept an eye out for him, hence the sole time he had had free from her he had spent it looking through Eric’s photos.

And he was desperately looking forward to Sunday morning since ‘Eric had wanted to invite him to his first soccer match’.

‘He is very excited’ you had mumbled over the phone, as he had basically locked himself on the bathroom at work to speak with you calmly ‘… it would mean a lot to me, my dad used to come before he…’.

Before he ran away.

He had worked some researches on your family after you had left your old city, which meant that he had heard the gossip his mother’s friends had for him.

‘Oh, Ivar you are such a sweet boy! It’s so nice of you to call him’ they had all mumbled and it hadn’t taken him much to discover the truth.

Your father had left you and your mother, running away with another woman and he found himself unable to stop the anger against that man from growing.

He had always thought that your father would have been one of the good ones: he was strict but not enough to have stopped you from hanging out with Ivar, outside of home, and he had been the one who had taken in Ivar although begrudgingly.

And from what he had seen and heard, he had loved your mother truly.

Had he also been dared by his friend to leave you and your mother?

Because he had then been as idiotic as Ivar.

And he could understand why you didn’t want Ivar back in your life.

“… so, let me know if you want to come” you had ended the call not giving him even a single moment to reply, as embarrassment was heard in your tone, clearly wanting to close this entire conversation early.

But he had the perfect timing, since Saturday Freydis had programmed an outing with her friends to let them know about the good news.

It was all Freydis had done, showing off the good news to everyone who would listen, receiving mixed reaction: polite smiles to her face and mutters under their breaths.

Their brothers had later cornered him after dinner to ask him if he really wanted this.

‘This is all moving too fast, Ivar, don’t you realize it?’ had uttered Ubbe.

Which he agreed on, but he would be damned if he admitted he was wrong and didn’t have everything under control.

‘… it might be a scam Ivar’ had uttered Sigurd and that was then when he had lost it.

‘Just because my life is going perfectly already and yours is shitty as hell doesn’t mean that mine is an illusion’ he had replied, harshly quitting any protests ‘… this is beautiful news and we should celebrate it’.

But he had been still nervous to utter it to his mother, mostly because she had been already angered by Ubbe’s quick eloping, which hadn’t lasted even more to prove her words, so he was trying to avoid doing the same.

And he also knew that he had to come clear with Freydis about Eric, because although he might have another child on the way, he wouldn’t simply abandon his previous one.

He just couldn’t do it to him.

And to you.

So, he had issued another reunion with Heahmund and Oleg, his business partner, about the entire problem, in order to get a second opinion on this entire mess, no matter how much he hated asking for help.

“We need to talk about a situation”.

“The one we talked about last Saturday after you barged  ‘on my date’? “mumbled Heahmund, with a raised eyebrow.

“What situation?” asked annoyed Oleg, as he played around with some papers on the desk, trying to adjust them till they were perfectly set up, showing all his perfectionist nature.

“…. Ivar over here has a child, out of wedlock and from a high school sweetheart” quickly summarized “… and Freydis know no shit about it”.

“Ok that is interesting enough” mumbled Oleg, focusing his gaze onto Ivar “… do you need to make them disappear? I know people…”.

Both Heahmund and Ivar regarded him with a deep gaze of ‘what the fuck’, and he shook his head, mumbling about how ‘it was just an idea’.

“No, I… I actually want a relationship with my child and I am slowly reaching it” he muttered, explaining softly how you were slowly letting him in, although you refused to admit to Eric he was his father “… the problem is that… Freydis is pregnant”.

“Do you need me to make her disappear” again the glares told Oleg to shut up and Ivar wondered why he had asked him for help “… ok no disappearing, but …”.

“Dumbass you haven’t told her yet about the baby?” replied Heahmund, basically glaring at Ivar.

“I didn’t… I literally didn’t have the time” he mumbled, blushing furiously “… it all seemed so sudden, so I just had to come to your idiotic asses to get advise on when and how to tell Freydis about all this shit”.

“… well… I don’t think that there is a good way to do this” mumbled Oleg, nervously “… I’d say you just rip off the band aid”.

“… and risk your entire life” added Heahmund with a sarcastic drip in his voice, which made Ivar huff, because it was everything he had been thinking about.

Although Freydis hadn’t ever been jealous, she hadn’t had exactly much competition, he couldn’t imagine how painful it would have been for her to discover that Ivar had a previous child and that he intended contact, probably the most painful thing.

But still he couldn’t see an outcome of this in which Freydis would stop him from actually seeing you and Eric: she had always had this maternal instinct to her that he hoped wouldn’t have clashed with you and Eric.

But he couldn’t be sure till he asked.

And maybe he shouldn’t have.

Because when Freydis found out, accidentally, that Friday night, he couldn’t help but feel like all hell had broken loose.

He had meant to tell her on Sunday, maybe after he got her favorite breakfast and the new jewelry set, she had seen her admiring in her favorite store, in order for the truth to be sweetened.

To make it clear that as much as he might continue on seeing you because of Eric, it would never ever make him forget of her, the mother of his future child.

His soon-to-be-wife.

But everything had been destroyed that Friday night when he had come back to find Freydis on the sofa with the face of somebody who had discovered something she hadn’t meant to.

He still had tried his best to appear polite and nice.

“Hey sweetie, is everything alright?” he had tried to ask, but she had just sent him an annoyed look, before her small voice had uttered.

‘… maybe you could start with talking of your happy family’ she had replied, and he had known that she had caught him.

“It isn’t what you think” he had mumbled the most recriminating thing ever.

“Then explain to me why the hell Kristen caught you talking with a woman that wasn’t me” she had raised up, almost as if she had intended to challenge him, effectively getting him to move slightly away nervous.

He couldn’t help but feel that although he knew he was at fault here, Freydis was exaggerating the entire thing: he might have been simply speaking to a colleague.

“… and as if it wasn’t already enough, a child… WITH LEG BRACES!”.

He stumbled more and lost hold on his legs as he fell on his butt, hitting it soundly a terrible sickening sound of broken bones overcoming Freydis’ shout.

But what he found even more terrifying was that she didn’t move further, to try to help him or check on him, she just pierced him with her eyes as he tried to push himself back, failing miserably due to the pain coursing through his bones.

“… Freydis… I haven’t cheated on you”.

“That’s what all cheaters say”.

His hands weren’t able to grip, the pain was too much, so he reached in the pockets of his coat to retrieve some painkiller, swallowing a few pills dry, meanwhile Freydis went on a tirade on ‘how stupid she had been’ and ‘how horrible he was’.

“I seriously didn’t cheat on you, Freydis!” he shouted angrily, maybe more than he should have but he was in so much pain that he couldn’t simply put his usual filter on his words “… fuck Freydis, can’t you just shut up and let me at least explain?”.

She did, her eyes showing fear and he took a deep breath, checking his legs till he found the lump, and checked whether he had simply broken or bruised a bone, thankful when it resulted only very very badly bruised.

“… she is an old school girlfriend of mine…” he explained calmly, lowering softly his gaze “… we had sex once… and she got pregnant, I have only recently discovered of her and the child and I have been trying to \reconnect with him”.

“You…” Freydis looked like the one who was going to pass out from pain, as she stumbled back till the sofa where she sat gracefully, her gazed unfocused “… you had sex with her”.

“It’s the only time we did it, I… was never able again…”.

“So… you could have sex” she covered her mouth with a hand quickly “… you had sex… but you can’t with me…”.

And he understood that this had more repercussions that he might have realized.

“… Freydis I don’t know… I love you much much more than her… you know it… my prick is just…”.

“… and you had a child with her” she continued “… you are involved in this, you want to recognize him”.

“Of course, I want to! He is my child!” the words were natural to him as if her accusations were hurting him.

“… and what about my child?” she replied, her voice more a whisper before he spoke “… the one I worked so so hard for! Undergoing so many shitty therapies, just for you to recognize as your own a bastard child!”.

And that’s when he completely broke down.

“He is my fucking child, Freydis!” and before she could retort he finally managed to push himself on his own feet “… he isn’t a bastard or any less of the one in your womb and if you aren’t able to accept it, the door is there”.

And he shot out an arm to where the door was set up.

Looking back at it he wouldn’t have believed the threat he had sent to Freydis, powered by his anger and his pain, even for his usual anger it had been too much, but her accusation… how she had called Eric, his child, a ‘bastard’… had hit him in the face.

It had almost been a personal insult.

That’s why he also didn’t move in to stop her as she collected a few of her clothes in a small bag and pushed the coat onto her shoulder, barely looking back at Ivar who had managed to set himself onto the sofa again, not giving her a single drop of attention.

He couldn’t help but be pained with the way the door sounded once she closed it behind her, a light sniffling following her outside the room, as more sobs followed it.

But he felt almost cold and insensitive as a rock.

And he wouldn’t ask forgiveness for defending his son.

Even if he fell asleep alone at night.

Had he done the right choice?

---

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[penny-anna]

@abluescarfonwaston​ as I said I got like 4 stars for this meme and no specific requests, so I’m just going to talk at length about the fic I have the most to say about, which is sandstorms and hazy dawns

hooray!!

She comes to him in the night, breath hot against his ear, and says, “can we keep them?”

This opening scene takes place between the 2nd and 3rd scenes of the story... this is probably needlessly confusing as the rest of the story is in chronological order but, this is where I wanted to start & I can do what I want.

“No,” he says.

He feels her weight shift as she lies down beside him. “Why not?”

“You know why.”

She noses at his neck, at the side of his head, nuzzling him. He feels the beginnings of a purr down in her chest, feels it in her and inside himself. “I like them.”

He touches her head, burying his fingers in her coarse fur the way he hasn’t for years. It’s been a long time, since they were as close as this. When they are together she sleeps an arm’s length from him. For days at a time they’re apart. He knows her only as a flash of white on the edge of his vision, a scent in the air. She wanders for miles, for weeks, following her own path, and he sees her not at all.

so let’s talk about the break up!!

Geralt & Dag used to have a more ‘normal’ person + separated daemon relationship (like most witchers), in which they would only split up for long periods out of practical necessity. they broke up for several years following events in blaviken. here is my extremely rough rendering of how that went

geralt: why you let this happen. you’re supposed to be my conscience :(

dag: umm how is this my fault? you asshole?

geralt: fuck off

dag: fine i will!! *fucks off*

geralt: wait no i didnt mean it :(

i have no intention of ever writing this scene as i don’t think i could do it justice. in my head he also throws a rock at her tho. bcos he’s an angry boy & an asshole.

however!! the strain in their relationship would not have started there. when i was writing this fic i was imagining that the fact of being separated would in itself put a strain on any person/daemon relationship, which i felt was implied by the HDM books. & then since writing it I read The Secret Commonwealth which more or less confirms that separating does just cause people’s relationships with their daemons to break down sometimes.

I think I said this in another post but, I imagine that the newly acquired ability to have separate experiences would make them more and more able to seriously disagree on things. and physically separating for long periods (even if only for practical reasons) would force them to get better at functioning alone which could in turn make them more and more emotionally distant from each other.

He scratches at the join of her neck and jaw, and that purr grows, long and deep and contented. She lays her head down beside his, and he holds her. He’s aware of her tail flicking, restless. She’ll be awake a while yet and so will she. They always sleep and wake at the same times, no matter how many miles separate them.

Geralt loves her, his lion, his dæmon. He loves her with every fibre of his being. He loves her strength, her grace. He loves that she can take any shape she pleases, be a bird or a fish or a snake when the moment calls for it. He loves the distance she can walk from him. He would not have her any other way. He cannot imagine her any other way.

i was always going to have witchers w separating daemons for this fic. however i got talked into the idea of witchers w mutable daemons by someone in a witcher discord I’m in... whoever you are I have forgotten your tumblr so can’t credit you for your idea properly sorry!!

i was originally reluctant bcos it seemed to me that mutable daemons implied innocence & youthfulness, which is kind of at odds with how witchers seem to be perceived. however following the above discord conversation i realised it can also imply 1) that witchers don’t really have ‘fixed’ personalities, which ties in with their supposedly not having feelings; 2) ‘innocence’ but in a negative way, in the sense of immaturity & not having a properly developed mind and sense of morality. 

obviously none of the above is actually true and witcher daemons are just shapeshifting adult daemons but, that is how people perceive it.

additionally, given how superpowered witchers are it seemed to fit that they would have found a way around all the weaknesses that having a daemon bring.

He knows that she loves him too. He understand why sometimes she despises him. He has cursed her, with his words and his thoughts, and she hates him for it. She has left him alone, and he hates her for it.

They say witchers feel nothing and they are not wrong. It doesn’t pain him when they are apart. He hasn’t felt that pain since he was a child. He barely remembers what it feels like.

She stops purring. Her breath puffs against his skin. “Stop thinking so hard,” she says. “Go to sleep.” Her tail has stopped twitching. “Go to sleep.”

*

“I think you and I might have got off on the wrong foot – as they say.”

this scene is supposed to take place offscreen shortly following the gutpunch haha

“White hair – no visible dæmon – two very – very scary looking swords – I know who you are.”

I don’t like when daemon fics recap entire scenes w the addition of daemons but I wanted to get this 1 change in so. here it is in a brief flashback. i elected to take out ‘big old loner’ bcos 1) listing 3 things is neater 2) I felt that not having a visible daemon would be a more notable characteristic for jaskier to point out.

not having a visible daemon is not necessarily a ‘tell’ that someone is a witcher or part of another demographic that can separate as people’s daemons are just out of sight sometimes.

It had surprised him, the ease with which that word visible had tripped off the bard’s tongue; that unhesitating acknowledgement that just because he couldn’t see something did not mean it didn’t exist.

He says, “hm.”

“Aren’t you going to ask my name?”

“No,” he says.”

“You can call me Jaskier,” says the bard. With a jerk of his shoulder he indicates the songbird-dæmon perched atop his lute. “This is Tansy.” The dæmon peeps a greeting. Receiving no response the bard goes on, “she’s a nightingale which I think is very sexy of her. You know,” he adds. “Because I’m a singer. And she’s a – a songbird.”

i realised while i was writing this that jaskier never actually introduces himself on screen. which seems like an oversight on the part of the writers tbh. means we can do what we want tho.

as i said in the a/n on the fic itself, I got the idea of giving Jaskier a nightingale daemon from two halves of a whole. usually I try and avoid just straight up copying other people’s form ideas but i just. fell in love with nightingale.

other forms I’ve seen for jaskier seem to tend VERY strongly towards birds which I find interesting! i’ve think I’ve seen maybe 1 daemon fic where he doesn’t have a bird daemon.

moving on to the name! this is tansy:

I do intend to get into this in potential future installments of the series, but Tansy is not her birth name (none of the main daemons in this AU use their birth names, completely independently of each other). she started going by Tansy relatively young and when he later changed his to match.

I think Jaskier settled relatively young - maybe 2 years before the time this fic is set - and being the overdramatic little punk he is hasn’t quite got over the ‘have i mentioned how cool my daemon’s settled form is today’ phase yet.

& finally before moving on, p much the first thing we learn about Jaskier & Tansy is that he is very happy and at ease with her and the form that she takes. this is important.

He grunts an acknowledgement – if only to get the bard to stop explaining.

“You’re not the best conversationalist, are you?”

A sudden tension, inside his chest. She’s close. He looks up and there she is, slipping into view on the clifftop.

“It’s just usually when you have a conversation you take it in turns to speak,” says the bard. “Rather than one person doing all the – oh.”

Dag makes her way down the ragged cliff, leaping from perch to perch in languid motions till her white paws touch the earth and she’s beside him. Stooping Geralt runs his hand over her head in greeting. Her eyes narrow.

this is another thing I have mentioned Elsewhere but i did fall in love w geralt’s daemon’s name in two halves of a whole (linked above) and went looking for something which had a similar feel to it. sorry.

i’m aware that Dag is technically a man’s name but given the kind of, inherent gender-bending nature of opposite sex daemons it seemed appropriate.

i confess i was also thinking of the dag in fury road.

seen a lot more variety in daemon forms for Geralt than jaskier! most common choices seem to be 1) wolf and 2) roach is his daemon. I’m really not into ‘existing animal companion as daemon’ bcos I’m firmly in the camp of ‘daemons as a manifestation of a person’s inner voice’ rather than ‘daemons as Companions’ so I can’t get behind daemon!roach (I actually find it actively offputting gfdlkjfskdh)

wolf is a p good fit imo but I find it a bit on the nose and I wanted to do something different. so. he is a giant kitty cat. & as someone (I forget who sorry) correctly identified she is leucistic rather than albino.

white mountain lions do exist but best as i can tell there’s like 1 photo on the entire internet. bummer.

He’s aware of the restlessly silent presence of the bard behind them shifting his weight, his dæmon fluttering about his head, aware perhaps that he’s intruding on something intimate.

Geralt straightens, and the bard takes that as his cue to begin again. He clears his throat and says, “what can I call her?”

It’s been a long time, since anyone has asked for her name so brazenly; in fact he isn’t sure anyone ever has. Geralt shoots the bard a look.

“Well, you must call her something,” he says, unintimidated.

“I do,” says Geralt. “You don’t.”

The nightingale-dæmon, now resting upon her bard’s shoulder, is eying Dag curiously, but she’s cautious enough not to approach.

one thing I’ve noticed when re-reading HDM is that characters very rarely refer to other people’s daemons by names, even when they know them. generally i’ve loosely kept to this in my own daemon AUs bcos 1) i find that when fics us each daemon’s name every time i get a bit lost as to whose daemon is whose and 2) I like the idea that using someone else’s daemon name is a very hm. intimate thing. hence geralt is reluctant to call tansy by her name, even though he knows it.

“Right,” says the bard. “Well, then.”

*

Come morning, Dag is gone, but not gone far. Out of sight, but not so far away he can’t feel her. She’ll come back when it pleases her.

He readies Roach for the path ahead, half-listening to the lilt of conversation that carries from the bushes; Jaskier’s voice, and the pretty voice of his dæmon.

The bard stumbles out into view, tousled and bleary from a night on the ground. “G’morning.” He ambles over to join Geralt.

i genuinely wanted to specify here that jaskier was having a piss in the bushes but i couldn’t find a way to get it in that didn’t seem kind of tasteless. that is what is happening here tho.

“What will it take to get rid of you?” says Geralt.

“My, someone woke up on the wrong side of the – ground,” says Jaskier. “More than yesterday. Where are we off to next?” He puts his hand on Roach’s saddle. Geralt swats it away.

“I’m going north,” he says. “You go wherever you want.”

“Maybe I want to go with you,” says Jaskier. In a flutter of wings his dæmon comes to rest on the pommel of Roach’s saddle, and he can’t shoo her away. He wouldn’t dare put his hands near her.

They say of witchers that they have no souls. They say their dæmons are something else, something monstrous. They say they have no respect for the great taboo. When they see him mothers’ dæmons snatch their children away.

“You don’t,” says Geralt.

“You sound awfully sure,” says Jaskier.

You don’t know what you’re asking for, Geralt wants to say. He doesn’t know how to say it in a way the bard would understand. He glowers at the nightingale-dæmon until she takes the hint and flies back to Jaskier’s shoulder.

He feels Dag before he hears her, the padding of her feet on the ground as she emerges from the bushes, the soft sound of her breathing.

Jaskier nudges him. “You don’t fool me,” he says. “You’re a big pussycat really. Don’t think I didn’t hear her purring all last night.”

did u know that mountain lions are the largest cat than can purr! here is a video of one purring. it’s very cute but also a little scary.

“You’re imagining things,” says Geralt.

“I absolutely am not,” says Jaskier. “She was practically shaking the ground.”

At that Dag actually laughs, a short and bubbling laugh of real amusement. Geralt shoots her a look. Jaskier is looking at her too, looking at her curiously, startled by this, the first human sound he’s heard her make.

Looking away from them Dag stretches out on the ground, lounging as if she has nowhere to be. Jaskier tears his eyes away from her and says, “is she always a lion? It’s just –” His dæmon pecks him hard on the neck. “Ow – it’s just I heard witchers’ dæmons don’t settle.”

He fastens the straps on Roach’s saddle bag, and his hands still. “They aren’t unsettled,” he says. “They’re mutable.”

“I don’t follow,” says Jaskier.

“They settle,” he says. “But they keep the ability to change, after settling.”

“Ah, I see,” says Jaskier, nodding. “But is she –” His dæmon fastens her beak around his ear lobe and tugs. “Ow – ow – alright – there’s no need to be like that,” he mutters to her.

“I’m leaving,” Geralt says. “As I said. Go where you please.”

The bard and his dæmon follow him north.

*

Chimney smoke rises down in the valley. He doesn’t know the name of the town.

Dag is waiting for him, draped in the branches of a tree. She’s been scouting ahead, or perhaps she’s restless, or perhaps both.

She yawns, showing off her teeth. “Did you lose them?”

“You know I didn’t,” says Geralt. He can hear Jaskier’s voice behind them in the woods, and so can she.

Her tail swishes. “Why not?” she says, and he knows at once what she means.

bouncing off what I was saying above re ‘manifestation of a person’s inner voice’. I like taking opportunities to show that a person & their daemon are 2 halves of the same mind.

“You know why,” he says.

“Tell me.”

And she says it in that particular tone, a tone with steel in it, and he has to answer. “He’s soft,” he says. “He’s young. What he’s asking for will break him. He doesn’t understand.”

“Hm,” she says.

“It’s best he realises sooner,” he says.

“You don’t know how soft he is,” she says. “You don’t know him at all.”

“You’ve seen her,” he says. “That’s what he is.”

Tansy is delicate – pretty – fragile. She weighs almost nothing. She comes close by him as few dæmons will and every time he tenses for fear that he might touch her, without meaning to – hurt her – break her.

u know that post about the person whose boyfriend was afraid of holding babies in case he didn’t know his own strength and accidentally hurt them? thats geralt.

Dag’s tail is moving in the air, no longer swishing, flicking in sharp, angry jerks. “We both know that’s not how it works.”

He knows what she’s thinking. It hangs between them, unspoken. Another little bird dæmon they had once known, a pretty, charming robin-dæmon who had melted away like smoke before his eyes.

I’ve only seen 1 daemon fic featuring renfri (and I don’t think it was strictly a conventional daemon au) and it gave her a shrike daemon, which i do think is fitting. however as w wolf for geralt I find it a bit on the nose.

additionally, giving renfri a daemon has the potential to kind of, shift things wrt the ambiguity of her character, so you have a choice to make wrt whether you want to shift it more towards ‘she’s outwardly scary’ or ‘she’s outwardly innocent’ and I went for ‘outwardly innocent’, in part so I could do this specific parallel but also bcos I just preferred that vibe.

i went for european robin bcos it’s a very nice match for renfri’s aesthetic, and 1) I’m a slut for aesthetics and 2) helps to make sure readers will know who this is about.

He might say don’t. Don’t make me think of it. But he doesn’t. This thing has been unspoken between them for so many years. He doesn’t know what will happen if he breaks the silence.

They’ve been on the road for five – almost six weeks. He’s growing used to the chatter and the birdsong. Jaskier hasn’t complained – hasn’t complained much – hasn’t complained as much as he’d expected, not even when his feet bled in his fancy shoes. He’s generous enough to share the coin he gets from playing. Geralt’s had worse travelling companions.

Jaskier blunders out of the trees. “There you are,” he says. “Trying to shake us?”

“Yes,” says Geralt.

Jaskier snorts, as if that’s a joke. He looks out over the valley, the distant strings of smoke hazy in the twilight. “Do you think they have an inn?”

“I don’t care,” says Geralt.

“I want to sleep in a real bed,” says Jaskier. “And I want a bath.”

“I’m not stopping you,” says Geralt.

“It’s going to be freezing tonight,” says Jaskier.

“I’m used to it,” says Geralt.

Jaskier nudges him. “C’mon,” he says. “You could use a bath yourself. I don’t like to say so, but you are a very – unusual smelling person.”

“You’ve said so several times,” says Geralt.

“Have I?” says Jaskier innocently.

“Yes,” says his dæmon.

“So I have,” he says.

“Go and find an inn if you want,” says Geralt. “I’m not stopping you.”

“Stop being ridiculous,” says Jaskier.

“I’m being ridiculous?” says Geralt.

“Yes,” says Jaskier. “Alright, how about this. I’ll buy you a drink.”

“I can buy my own drinks,” says Geralt.

“But I’m offering,” says Jaskier. “A kind and magnanimous offer, out of the goodness of my heart. And also I think it’s going to rain and I want to get in doors, so stop being ridiculous.”

“Hm,” says Geralt.

They go to the inn. It’s begun to rain by the time they reach the town. Tansy hides herself away within Jaskier’s cloak. Dag doesn’t follow them down the valley, preferring to find a dry spot in the woods, preferring to avoid prying eyes.

The inn is crowded with people sheltering from the rain; two more strangers with hidden dæmons don’t get a second look. The rafters are lined with bird-dæmons, safely away from the crowd. Sitting alone in his corner he watches their movements, the beating of their wings. There was a time Dag might have changed her shape and joined them. A space like this is never comfortable for a large dæmon.

reading back over this story I think it’s hm easy to think of Dag as the Emotionally Mature one of them but she’s the one whose making a choice to like... hide from Regular People and has been doing it habitually for a long time, either by changing her form or just leaving him alone. 

Geralt & his daemon do this for a number of reasons I think, in part for practical reasons, but also because he doesn’t want people go be able to get a fix on what kind of person that he is, and on some level wants people to see him and be immediately repulsed by his not having a daemon... this is a self-destructive behaviour that Dag is an active participant in. stop it Dag you’re supposed to be the smart one.

There’s a bard playing, raising his voice to be heard over the crowd. He doesn’t sing as nicely as Jaskier. He’s made a poor choice of song, too, a quiet ballad, one of many about the beauty of the touch.

“Her hand upon my dæmon, the first in my life – it was like roses in the summer and I knew then she’d be my wife –”

1) i hate writing rhyming poetry and i am very bad at it. got away with it this time i hope bcos this is supposed to be kind of trite.

2) this is is what we call Planting. lol.

Jaskier pushes his way through the press back to their table. “As promised,” he says, sliding Geralt a mug of ale. Geralt grunts a thank you.

Jaskier sits, and regards him. Tansy flutters down to perch on the rim of his mug, dipping in her beak. Absently Jaskier strokes her downy back and Geralt tracks the tiny, intimate motion with his eyes. “Is this it, then?” says Jaskier.

one thing I was trying to convey throughout this fic is that spending time with Jaskier & Tansy is the first time Geralt has been around someone who has a Normal relationship with their daemon (as opposed to the ‘it’s complicated’ that geralt & dag have) for a long time and he’s very aware of the contrast. 

“Is this what?” says Geralt.

“Is this how it goes?” says Jaskier. “It’s just that I can’t help but notice there hasn’t been a lot of witchering.”

“That’s not a word,” says Geralt, and takes a draft of ale.

“What?” says Jaskier. “Witchering?” Geralt grunts. “Maybe I’ll put it in a song and get people saying it.”

“Don’t you dare,” says Geralt, and Jaskier laughs a little.

“Really, though,” he says. “Is this it?”

“How many monsters do you think there are in the world?” says Geralt.

“How should I know?” says Jaskier. Still perched on his mug Tansy whistles along with the ballad. A moment later Jaskier’s fingers begin to tap along. “What d’you do when you can’t get any work?”

“I make do,” says Geralt.

“Hmm,” says Jaskier. Sensing he isn’t going to get any meaningful answers – or perhaps just bored – his gaze wanders to the bard. For a few moments he listens quietly. “Have you ever done it?”

“What?” says Geralt.

“You know.” Jaskier ducks his head in the direction of the bard.

“Been a bard?” says Geralt.

“That’s not what I meant and you know it,” says Jaskier, mock-stern.

“No,” says Geralt. “Not like that.”

He’s had another’s hands on his dæmon, more than once. He and Dag have sworn to themselves: never again.

“Hm,” says Jaskier. “No. Me neither.” Again he strokes Tansy, perhaps imagining it.

Tansy is still whistling along with the bard, giving the final notes of the ballad a few extra flourishes, and Geralt catches himself thinking that she and Jaskier would sing it better.

*

“I’ll be having the bath first – if you don’t mind,” says Jaskier.

“Hm,” says Geralt.

“Though don’t think I’m going to let you get away without bathing,” says Jaskier. “I know what you’re like, and, and your aroma is really starting to bother me.”

“Hm!” pipes up Tansy in agreement.

“Find someone else to annoy, then,” says Geralt. He sits on the edge of the bed, still in his armour. Jaskier is meandering about the washstand, unfastening his doublet, restless as ever.

He tosses his doublet onto the bed, and looks Geralt up and down. “You’re not planning on sleeping in that, are you?”

“Maybe,” says Geralt.

“What, do you think the inn’s going to get attacked in the night by – werewolves, or something?” says Jaskier.

“It wouldn’t be the first time,” says Geralt.

“I can never tell when you’re joking,” says Jaskier, and unlacing his undershirt as he goes he wanders behind the screen.

“I don’t joke,” says Geralt.

“See?” Jaskier’s undershirt drapes over the top of the screen. Tansy, perched beside it, tugs at it with her beak, neatening it up. “There you go again.”

one of the biggest (& most underrated imo) challenges when writing a daemon au is characterising daemons... they’ve got to be like, recognisably the same person as the character, but at the same time ideally their own entity with their own personality. i found Dag came quite naturally, probably bcos Geralt is a character who definitely hides a lot of aspects of his personality, but Tansy was harder.

i imagined Tansy being very quiet with people who aren’t Jaskier & also very much the ‘put your clothes away don’t leave them all over the floor’ type of daemon.

Alone – or what passes for alone – Geralt begins to divest himself of his armour.

Jaskier’s trousers appear atop the screen. A moment later there’s a gentle splashing of water. A sigh.

geralt is definitely not thinking about the fact that jaskier is undressing. nope. he is not thinking about the fact that jaskier is naked in the same room as him. this is of no interest to him at all. He Does Not Care.

“This soap smells like pig fat,” he remarks.

“That’s because it’s made of pig fat,” says Geralt.

“Well. Yes,” says Jaskier.

Tansy is looking at him curiously from atop the screen. Caught staring, she opens her wings and drops out of sight to join Jaskier.

“Does Dag not come indoors?” says Jaskier.

“Now and then,” Geralt answers, before he has fully processed what Jaskier said. His hands still on his armour. “When did she tell you her name?”

this is something I do intend to cover in a future fic but I also don’t intend for it to be especially dramatic

“A few weeks ago,” says Jaskier. “I didn’t think much of it. Why? Do you mind?”

“Yes,” says Geralt.

Behind the screen water splashes. “Why on earth would you mind?” says Jaskier. Geralt doesn’t answer. “Well – I suppose that’s another one for the list of things I’ll never understand about you – like your sense of humour, and why you spend hours talking to your horse when you’ve a perfectly good dæmon.”

an extra dimension of geralt talking to his horse in this au is that he is used to having his daemon there.

Rising, Geralt begins setting his armour on the chair. “She isn’t always there,” he says.

“Well, yes, but it’s not as if she goes very far,” says Jaskier.

“Sometimes she does,” says Geralt.

In a sudden fluttering of wings, Tansy reappears atop the screen.

“How far does she go?” says Jaskier.

“As far as she pleases,” says Geralt.

A gentle sloshing of water. Tansy turns on her perch, peering down at her bard, something wordless passing between them. “Does it,” says Jaskier. “I mean, do you – I don’t know how to ask.”

“Spit it out,” says Geralt.

“Can you still feel her?”

“Yes.”

“Does it still hurt?”

“No.”

so this scene is (obvs) a kind of a call back to That One Bath Scene in canon. this is the first time they’ve been hm ‘domestic’ together and it’s a little awkward, especially for geralt, who is not used to it. all of which is in contrast with how comfortable they are around each other later.

& this is the most frank (probably) conversation they have over the course of the entire fic and it happens when they are physically screened from each other. and also jaskier is literally naked while geralt is opening up to him. this is all very notable for obvious reasons I hope.

“I see,” says Jaskier, though Geralt doubts he does. It’s difficult for humans to get their heads around the way he and Dag experience the world. Most aren’t interested in trying.

geralt here actively ignoring the fact that jaskier is making an effort to understand

He hears the water moving, and the padding of Jaskier’s bare feet on the floorboards. His clothes are whisked back down from the screen and half a minute later he emerges, his hair towel-damp. “All yours,” he says.

Geralt sits in the still-warm water, and soaks, and listens as Jaskier putters about on the other side of the screen, getting ready to sleep, listens to the steady back and forth of his conversation with Tansy. He hums, and she whistles along.

uh so if you’re an introvert I imagine you’ve probably had the experience of being Alone and Unobserved for the first time in an uncomfortably long time... i have this experience every day when i leave work fjgksfkgjfg

tansy & jaskier talk p much non-stop when they’re (semi)alone

When at last, the water cold, he ventures out from behind the screen, Jaskier is on the bed, scribbling something down in his little book.

“You can have the bed,” says Geralt. “I’ll sleep on the floor.”

“Don’t be stupid.” Jaskier shifts over towards the wall. “We’ll both fit. I don’t mind if you don’t.” He glances up from his writing. “Though just to warn you, I’m reliably informed that I kick.”

“He does,” says Tansy from the headboard.

The room smells like candle smoke, and pig fat. The scent of the outdoors still clings to them to their clothes, to Jaskier’s hair. He sleeps facing the wall, the warmth of his body pressed to Geralt’s side. Tansy sleeps with her head tucked beneath her wing. Geralt lies awake, listening to Jaskier’s breathing.

geralt is not affected by this situation at all. he is not even a little bit uncomfortably attracted. nope. nuh-uh.

they don’t ever share a bed in the show but i gather it’s a normal thing to do in the books so for the purposes of this fic, this is a thing that it later becomes normal for them to do.

He mumbles now and then in his sleep. And true to his word, he does kick.

*

Morning comes grey, but dry. They eat breakfast in the tavern. Jaskier chatters, about the weather, the food, the song he was writing in the evening. Geralt tunes him out, and lets his eyes roam over the other patrons. His gaze falls on a pair of old men smoking long pipes. They’re looking at him, at the absence beside him, the empty space he occupies. Caught staring they look away.

Jaskier pokes his arm. “Are you listening to me?” he says.

“Hm?” says Geralt.

“I said you’re even more sullen than usual this morning,” says Jaskier. “What’s got into you? Trouble sleeping?”

Geralt turns his attention to his porridge. “You kick.”

“I’m aware,” says Jaskier. “I did warn you. Well, I dare say –”

A woman is approaching their table, purposefully, stoically. Geralt recognises her attitude. Jaskier is savvy enough to guess.

“You’re the witcher?” she says, as if it’s a question. Her dæmon, a large, horned beetle, clings silently to her sleeve.

always hard w daemon AUs to strike a balance between making it clear to the audience that everyone in this world has a daemon & including superfluous information about daemons who aren’t relevant to the story. originally didn’t include this woman’s but then decided I didn’t have enough background daemons.

this is something i actually paid a lot of attention to while reading the secret commonwealth bcos i wanted to see how pullman handles it.

additionally I think insect daemons are under-represented in daemon au fic so I have been trying to get in as many as I can.

“Well, he’s a witcher,” says Jaskier. Geralt nudges him to be quiet.

She says, “my sister has a job for you.”

*

The wind is picking up. The day is getting thin. Ahead, on the hilltop, the dark outline of a hay barn, stark and flat against the grey sky.

He dismounts, and ties Roach to a tree.

“Is Dag not joining us?” says Jaskier.

“She comes and goes as she pleases,” says Geralt.

“What, did you two have an argument or something?” says Jaskier. Geralt grunts. “Did you? About what?”

“You,” says Geralt truthfully, and Jaskier laughs as if he’s made a joke.

Dag is in the air somewhere above them. Irritated with him as she may be, she hasn’t gone far, this time. She’s watching the valley, her keen hawk’s eyes searching for any untoward movement.

He starts to climb the hill. Jaskier makes to follow. Turning Geralt holds up a hand, halting him in his tracks. “Stay with Roach.”

Jaskier adjusts the strap of his lute. “I can handle it.”

“This won’t be pleasant,” says Geralt.

“Honestly,” says Jaskier. “How do you expect me to write about all this if you never let me see anything?”

“I don’t,” says Geralt.

“Anyone would think you didn’t want me to immortalise your deeds in song,” says Jaskier.

“I don’t,” says Geralt.

“It’s stifling to my creativity, not to mention rude,” says Jaskier. “And wholly unjustified. I have a strong stomach.”

Wavering, Geralt glances at Tansy, on Jaskier’s shoulder. She hms in agreement. He drops his hand. “If you’re sure.”

In the doorway of the hay barn Jaskier turns his face away and retches. “Oh gods,” he moans. “Oh heavens. Fuck me –”

“Go and wait with Roach if you want,” says Geralt.

One hand braced against the door frame, the other over his mouth, Jaskier looks at him. He takes his head from his mouth. He shakes his head. Tansy flutters in the doorway, from the shadow to the light, and resolves. She flies into the barn, up, up to the rafters, and there looks down upon the bodies.

This is where they have brought their dead, this most remote outpost of their village, with the spiders and the rats and the dust. They brought the bodies here, a dozen or more of them, and piled them up, meaning to burn them, meaning to burn this lonely place to the ground.

They’re unmarked. The air is thick with the smell of death. The most recent lies near the door, her eyes open, staring up at the roof. She’s young. Her hair is fair. She’s dressed in an apron, as if she’d just stepped out of her kitchen – to the water pump, perhaps – when she was attacked.

One death such as this, two, they’d bury. This many, in as many days, they know what haunts them, and they fear it like nothing else.

“What killed them?” says Tansy from the rafters.

“Hm,” says Geralt. He crouches to look at the dead girl, to be sure there are no marks on her, as the village healer had said. Taking off his gloves, he touches her face, tilting her head towards the light.

why does geralt take off his gloves. bcos later i had a scene where he’s washing his hands and then it was pointed out to me that he normally wears clothes and so wouldn’t need to. shush.

It isn’t his place to interfere with how these people treat their dead; but this isn’t right. There’s nothing to fear here. They are only dead. The danger, the thing that killed them, has passed. There’s nothing to be gained in consigning their dead to this bleak, anonymous fate.

A scuffling, above. Tansy moving on the rafter.

“Geralt?” says Jaskier. “What killed them?”

“Shh.”

Geralt glances up, at Tansy. She’s perched quivering on the rafter. “What is it?” he says.

“Something moved.”

tansy being a very hm fastidious sort of person translates to being quite perceptive

“I didn’t see anything,” says Jaskier.

“You weren’t looking,” says Tansy.

Geralt rises. He reaches for his sword.

The barn reeks of death. In the semi-darkness he had taken it for one of the bodies piled around it. It’s rising now to its feet, its movements stilted, unnatural. You might take it for a lumbering thing, a slow thing you could outrun. You’d be wrong.

Tansy takes flight, flashing in and out of the light from the doorway, and as she does so it begins to move, crawling forward over the piled bodies with the speed of a darting insect, snatching, grasping at the air above it. Jaskier cries out. “Run!” Geralt barks, raising his sword.

this whole scene was hard for a number of reasons... firstly i don’t know a lot about witcher monsters and spent a while trying to find one that fit the kind of scene I wanted before saying ‘fuck it’ and inventing my own

and secondly I don’t know about anyone else but uhh whenever i want a story to include an action scene in my head it’s just like ‘and then a fight happens!!’

+ w this one as well as planning out the fight i had the extra issue of, how it manages to get hold of Tansy which I. hope i explained satisfactorily. 

The sight of silver gives the dæmophage pause. It halts, its eyes wide and staring, its shoulders heaving. It’s a fluid creature and it no longer needs its human disguise. Its limbs stretch, its spine bends at an unnatural angle, its slit nostrils flaring. It has no mouth. It has no need of one. Frost spreads from its fingers, coating its hands and arms, the bodies beneath it, the packed dirt floor.

He’s aware of laboured breathing behind him. He’s aware, suddenly, that Jaskier has not run. He risks a glance over his shoulder and sees him pressed to the far side of the door frame, gripping the wood with one white-knuckled hand. His other hand is held, clenched, to his chest. The colour has drained from his face.

“Run,” Geralt says. “Run!” Still Jaskier doesn’t move, and stepping back, not taking his eyes off the dæmophage, Geralt reaches blindly behind himself, finds Jaskier and shoves him backwards.

He resists, and in that resistance Geralt feels what has happened, feels it before Jaskier lets out a pained sound, before he says, choked, “Tansy.” For it’s not the resistance of one who doesn’t want to go; it’s the resistance of one tethered, of a tied-up dog trying to run from a fire.

The dæmophage is crawling forward again, one-handed. It’s holding something in its other hand, in a hand thick with ice. He can’t see what it is. He knows what it is. “Geralt –” Jaskier wheezes, and whatever he means to say next he can’t find the breath.

There are many vile ways to die, in the world. Few worse than your dæmon becoming meal to a creature like this, the life crushed from it, your soul slowly, torturously drained away.

He takes off the dæmophage’s arm first, the arm that holds Tansy, and its whole body jerks spraying dark blood across the walls, across the bodies. As its severed arm hits the ground its fingers fall open and he sees her, a fistful of icy brown feathers, but there’s no time to dwell on her, no time to dwell on if he was fast enough, if there is anything left to save. The dæmophage lashes out at him with its other hand, with its sharpening claws; he dodges, swings, and its arm falls to the ground, cut at the elbow.

It takes two strikes to cleave off its head. Its body remains half-upright, swaying, blood bubbling from its neck. He stands over it, sword raised, breathing hard. They’re fluid creatures. Half-shadow. You can never be sure.

It falls. It is still. He lowers his sword.

Behind him Jaskier falls heavily to the ground. Geralt turns to find him on his knees, shuddering all over, gasping, but still conscious, his eyes alert. He slumps forward, catching himself on his hands, and empties his stomach onto the dirt.

“Tansy,” he croaks. “Oh gods, Tansy –” He sees her, still in the dead creature’s hand, melted frost dripping from her feathers. He tries to rise. His legs won’t hold him.

She had been in its grip less than a minute. It must have felt like an age. Geralt is surprised he didn’t faint. Perhaps he’s made of sterner stuff than he looks.

so I don’t imagine this being as much a matter of Inner Strength as much as (as established early) Jaskier & Tansy having a very close and intimate bond, which in turn is a reflection of Jaskier being at ease with himself and the kind of person he is. 

in short this isn’t a matter of jaskier being like, exceptionally brave so much as being like ‘hey! don’t you dare! fuck you!’

Stepping closer Geralt takes his arm and heaves. “I told you to wait with Roach,” he says. But the look Jaskier gives him, of mute, numb disbelief at his coldness, silences any further reproach.

He hauls Jaskier to his feet, but Jaskier tugs his arm from his grip. He wipes his face on his sleeve and staggers forward, falling to his knees once again beside her, reaching for her with shaking hands.

When he picks her up he lets out a gasp of relief – or terror – it’s hard to say which. She doesn’t respond to his touch. She lies limp in his hands.

Jaskier looks up at him, and voice unsteady he says, “she’s cold.”

*

He sets the barn alight. By the time he’s done it’s growing dark, and the wind has died away. He leaves it to burn on its hilltop, to be sure the creature is dead. He’ll tell the villagers to come back when it’s burned to the ground, to take the bones of their dead and bury them properly. They’ll do it, if not for the right reasons.

The barn is a red-orange blaze in the distance. Down in the valley there’s a chill in the air. He can see Jaskier’s breath, though it’s not cold enough for that. He hasn’t stopped shaking. Geralt builds a fire, so he can warm himself, and sets about fastening the dæmophage’s head to Roach’s saddle.

“Geralt, she’s still cold,” says Jaskier. He’s kneeling too close to the fire, Tansy clutched to his chest, hidden in his cupped hands. He’s stripped off his filthy doublet, dark with the creature’s blood. “Geralt. Geralt. She won’t wake up.”

 i don’t know if it actually makes sense for jaskier to have got blood on him but listen i will take any excuse to have him take his doublet off bcos i’m just into it.

“She’ll wake up,” says Geralt.

“Are you sure?” says Jaskier.

“Hm,” says Geralt. He isn’t sure. You can never be sure. But if it had drained enough of the life from her that she was beyond waking, Jaskier’s mind would have broken. She’d be fading away. She was in shock. That was all. She’d wake.

If he’d been fast enough to kill it, but not fast enough to save her – he’d seen it before. He’d seen men and women, their minds broken into icy fragments, spending their last days terrified, in pain, alone. Unable to understand what had happened to them. Sometimes it was more merciful to let the dæmophage finish its meal, and kill them outright.

Not this time. He’d been fast enough.

“She – she won’t wake up, Geralt, she –” Jaskier breaks off in a ragged gasp. “I don’t know what to do.”

“Give her some time,” says Geralt. He fetches a blanket, and tosses it to Jaskier.

Jaskier doesn’t take it. “I can’t wake her up,” he says. “Geralt, what do I do?”

“Stop panicking,” says Geralt.

It’s no good. Jaskier understands what he’s saying, but he can’t keep his thoughts straight long enough to act on it. His mind is clouded. Where his connection to Tansy should be there’s nothing but confusion.

this was a fun opportunity to get a little bit into how the connection between a person and their daemon works :3

“I don’t know what to do,” he says. “I can’t think – Geralt, I can’t –”

His name falls again and again from Jaskier’s lips and it carries a silent plea. Help me. Do something.

He doesn’t know what to do. Or rather he knows what he ought to do, to offer comfort and warmth until this passes, but he doesn’t know how.

If he had seen it sooner. If he hadn’t let Jaskier talk him into taking him into danger. If he’d been quicker, smarter, harsher.

Tansy will get better. Jaskier will walk away from this.

double meaning in ‘walk away from this’ as in ‘survive this’ but also ‘will walk away FROM GERALT because of this’

Tension, behind him. He feels her long before he sees her, long before she ghosts into the firelight on owl-wings. She lands and with a soft rushing of air she’s herself again. Jaskier falls silent, startled at seeing her change, though he knew she cold.

“Jaskier,” she says. “Do you trust me?”

Half-watching, Geralt sees him nod.

“Put her down,” she says.

Jaskier hesitates. “But –”

“I know what I’m doing,” says Dag. “Put her down. Let me see.” Again he refuses, a wordless stammer of protest. “Jaskier. You’re panicking. Breathe deep. Put her down.”

Jaskier lays Tansy down. His hands are still shaking, but his breathing has slowed. That’s something. “What’s happening to her?” he says. “It hurts –”

He’d known it must. But Jaskier hadn’t said so, to him.

Dag noses at Tansy’s tiny, limp body. She licks her, once. “She’s just cold,” she says. “She’s just fainted. She’ll be fine.”

The back of one hand pressed to his mouth, Jaskier sobs.

“Shh,” says Dag. “Jaskier. Be calm.” Then she ducks her head forward, and touches him.

She touches her head to his face, nuzzling him, and at that contact a tremor goes through Geralt like a static shock. It’s only for a moment. Jaskier jerks away from her, as one would if a dæmon came too close by mistake.

this scene was inspired a bit by the part in The Subtle Knife where Pantalaimon physically comforts Will bcos he doesn’t have a daemon to comfort him. Obviously Jaskier does have a daemon, but he’s experiencing her being unconscious while he’s awake for the first time, making him essentially bereft of her.

He turns to look at Geralt, standing by Roach, no longer pretending he isn’t watching this. Their eyes meet. Geralt says nothing. Does nothing.

Jaskier turns back to Dag. Her eyes are lidded. Gingerly, Jaskier raises a hand to touch her. Geralt should cry out stop. He should go over there and drag them apart. He doesn’t.

Jaskier runs his hand over her head, the touch barely-there, just enough pressure to be felt through her fur. Geralt feels that touch like a gentle nudge somewhere within his ribs. It doesn’t feel bad.

He can feel, somehow feel birdsong in that touch. He can feel silk, and music, and laughter. It feels like the smell of perfume and candle smoke. Polished wood beneath his fingers. He’d had another’s hand on Dag before. It did not feel like this.

and THIS description of what touching (or being touched by) a person’s daemon would be like was inspired by how it’s depicted in Disciples of Apollo which is an a+++ daemon AU you should read if you like daemon stuff regardless of whether you’re a fan of M*A*S*H or not... please read it it’s so good.

He wonders what Jaskier feels, touching her.

i do intend to cover this. eventually. if i ever get around to writing more of this series.

Jaskier runs his hand over Dag’s head a second time. She purrs, low and deep in her chest. On the ground, Tansy gasps for breath.

my intention here is that Jaskier’s distress is part of what’s keeping Tansy from waking up, but then as long as she’s unconscious he can’t calm down, so by acting as a kind of stand-in daemon for him Dag is helping him Chill The Fuck Out sufficiently for Tansy to pull herself together.

“Tansy.” Jaskier’s hand falls from Dag’s head, and he reaches for her. “Oh gods, Tansy –” He cradles her in his hands. Her whole body is trembling.

“Jaskier,” she says, and at the sound of her voice all of his breath leaves him, his shoulders shaking, limp, weak with relief. He kisses her, holds her close by his face. Neither of them speak.

Geralt looks away. He meets Dag’s eyes, and she holds his gaze. He understands why she did it. He wouldn’t take it back. He’d do it again, and again. He still doesn’t like it. Dag turns away from him. She lies down beside the fire.

He tucks the blanket around Jaskier’s shoulders, and Jaskier murmurs thanks. He sits. He cleans his sword. The air smells like smoke. They shouldn’t linger here, in the dark. Jaskier’s breath is still fogging the air.

“We should go back to the village,” he says.

“Okay,” says Jaskier. Unsteady on his feet, he levers himself upright with one hand, the other cradling Tansy to his chest. “Okay.”

In the village lights are still burning in the windows. Geralt unties the dæmophage’s mouthless head.

“Should we,” says Jaskier, “talk about this?”

“Hm?” says Geralt.

“You know what I mean,” says Jaskier. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“No,” says Geralt, and taking the creature’s head he marches away.

“I’ve heard of mixed signals,” calls Jaskier in his wake. “But this is ridiculous!”

am not actually 100% happy with this part, i wanted to get this line in but i couldn’t get it to mesh w the tone of the scene

*

The village is too small for an inn, but as well as coin the monster’s head earns them a bed for the night in the alderman’s house, and an invitation to dinner.

The monster’s head, and perhaps Jaskier; Jaskier, whose boyish smile and pretty dæmon had charmed the alderman and his wife at once, Jaskier, who had come back from the hunt pale, and shivering in a way they must recognise.

geralt thinks Tansy is very pretty. that’s just how his tastes run and he genuinely has no idea that most people don’t think nightingales are like, notably pretty.

There’s only one bed in the room they’re given but the alderman’s daughter makes up a cot. He tells Jaskier to take the bed. Jaskier doesn’t argue. Jaskier says nothing at all.

Since his outburst when they reached the village he’s spoken only to say yes and please and thank you. He lies upon the bed, staring at the ceiling, one hand stroking a slow, contemplative circle on his own stomach. Tansy sits on the pillow beside his head, plucking at his hair, grooming at him like a mother cat with a kitten.

Geralt washes the dæmophage’s blood from his hands. It has dried into the creases in his palms, under his fingernails.

“Will you come to dinner?” he says.

“Not very hungry,” says Jaskier.

Stretched out upon the cot, Dag raises her head. “You should eat,” she says.

Geralt sees her indoors so rarely. It takes him off-guard, sometimes, how large she is compared to human things. The alderman and his family must have been startled, to see him go on a hunt without a dæmon and return with one, but they had said nothing about it.

i did not mention that dag is in this scene before she speaks to emphasise that her presence indoors is unusual and unexpected. i am very smart.

She lies alert, tail flicking, watching over Jaskier.

His hands don’t feel clean. He washes them again. “You’re quiet,” he says.

“Hmm?” says Jaskier.

“Are you alright?” says Geralt.

“Since when do you care?” says Jaskier. “I thought you wanted me to shut up.”

“What will it take for you to give me some peace?” he had said, more than once.

“Hell or high water, probably,” Jaskier had answered, sunnily smiling.

If he hadn’t been fast enough. If the creature had taken something that could not be brought back – the light in his eyes. Warmth. A smile he’d never see again. Not like this. He didn’t want it like this.

once again double meaning re geralt thinking that jaskier is going to leave him because of this

He leans heavily upon the washstand. He breathes out. He’d been fast enough. Jaskier was shaken. That was all. He’d be fine.

“I’m just,” says Jaskier. “Thinking.”

“What are you thinking about?” says Geralt.

“What’s it to you?” says Jaskier. A moment’s quiet, and he says, “why don’t elves have dæmons?”

this is my no 1 issue w this fic (which i am otherwise happy with), I really wanted to get this conversation in but wasn’t quite sure where to put it. originally i was going to include it much earlier, and have it be in response to meeting the elves, but i couldn’t get it to work with the pacing and i needed something for them to discuss here so. here it is. i’m not 100% sure it works. i think i understand why jaskier is bringing this up now but i’m not sure how to describe it properly.

The question jars him. It’s like something a child would ask. Why it’s on Jaskier’s mind now, of all times, he can’t imagine. “You know why.”

“I want to hear what you have to say about it,” says Jaskier.

“It’s the way the world is,” says Geralt. “Humans have dæmons. Elves don’t. Others don’t.”

“You’re not human and you have a dæmon,” says Jaskier.

“You know why,” says Geralt again. He can feel Dag’s stare on him, accusing, but he can’t help his frustration. He has the sense that Jaskier is goading him – or trying to catch him out in a lie. He doesn’t know what Jaskier wants from him.

“Do you think it’s lonely?” says Jaskier.

“Being an elf?” says Geralt.

“Mm,” Jaskier agrees.

tbqh it’s just occurred to me now as im re-reading it that part of this is jaskier obliquely asking geralt about his own feelings about having a daemon.

Geralt begins to dry his hands. “You can’t miss what you never had.”

“I don’t know,” says Jaskier. “I miss all sorts of things I’ve never had.”

Geralt waits for him to expand on that thought. But he’s lapsed back into silence. “Elves find dæmons distasteful,” he says. “It bothers them. Like seeing someone with their insides spilling out. They think half-elves born without dæmons are stronger for it.”

At that, mystifyingly, Jaskier laughs a little. “Hear that, Tansy?” he says. “Maybe I would have been stronger if I didn’t have you, like a half-elf. What do you think?”

gjlkghjklghdfj i had so much trouble w this line bcos my beta fully believed that this was jaskier professing that he was half elf so i had to re-write it and somehow at least one reviewer has still thought that was the implication... he’s 100% not half elf in this AU sorry. if i ever get around to writing the sequel it will be evident that he’s not half elf (or like if he is he has no idea) 

Tansy clicks her beak. “I think you’d miss me terribly,” she says. “Even if you’d never had me.”

His hands are dry. He stops running the cloth over them, and sets it aside. “Dag’s right,” he says. “You should eat.”

“If you insist,” says Jaskier. “Where are we going next?”

Geralt turns to look at him. He’s gazing up at Tansy, running a finger over her neck. “After dinner?” he says.

“Tomorrow,” says Jaskier. Geralt says nothing, but his silence must speak for itself, for Jaskier looks at him and says, “don’t think you’re getting rid of me that easily.”

“Why?” says Geralt.

“I’m a glutton for punishment, I suppose,” Jaskier says. “Anyway. I’m working on a song and it isn’t finished.”

“Hm?” says Geralt.

Jaskier’s gaze drifts back to Tansy. “Still needs an ending,” he says.

i wasn’t sure how to end this story and this last line is very cheeky eheheh. i can do what i want.

thank you again for requesting!! i hope u enjoy this commentary. it has been a fun diversion. i’m very pleased w this fic and i love talking about daemon AUs. <3

[simptasia]

for the ask thingy 1) fandom: futurama? (i recently watched the first episode bc i faintly remember u talking abt it - should i keep watching?) but if u dont wanna get into it or my mind was playing tricks on me we can always go for the classic lost :D 2) ship: kateclaire? i miss the GIRLS 3) character: daniel faraday (disclaimer as always u dont have to do all u can pick n choose :D)

thank you thank you thank you!

also i ADORE futurama, it’s one of my fave cartoons, yes keep watching! it’s so funny, i love the characters, it has great (and silly) sci fi concepts, and happens to have just really great tear inducing episodes/moments. so yes!! watch it!!

not just you, everybody, please watch futurama

annnnyways

Send me a fandom and I will tell you my:

Futurama

Favorite character: Fry. Bender is without a doubt the funniest character but Fry is my fave. He’s so endearingly stupid and I love how nice he is. He could have been the bland straight man protag for wackier personalities to play off but he’s a huge goofus. And he’s a trekkie! And neurodivergent! And pansexual! He’s a good boy, love that Fry

Least Favorite character: I’ve never really thought about it, like as far as I recall, I don’t remember anybody showing up and I’m like “oh geez this guy”. Oh wait. Fry’s ex girlfriend Michelle is a bitch but she’s meant to be. But like, she’s not even a funny bitch. Like Mom or Zapp.

5 Favorite ships (canon or non-canon): Fry/Leela (this is a ship I’ve had since i was a kid, an original flavour OTP right there, I loooove Fry/Leela), Fry/Bender, Fry/Leela/Bender, Amy/Kif, Bender/Amy

Character I find most attractive: Leela. Even when I was a kid I found her attractive. Hot + the Matt Groening style doesn’t normally go together very well (even he’s admitted this) but it just works with Leela. Amy is cute too! And Fry is cute but that’s mainly his personality (and fan-art) doing that. I also happen to enjoy purple and orange a lot so Leela and Fry are inherently nice for me to look at. Yeah, Futurama pulls off attractive women better than The Simpsons does. (diff times, diff genres...)

Character I would marry: Aww, Fry

Character I would be best friends with: Oh, all of them really (tho Zoidberg’s smell could be a problem). Especially Fry, Leela & Bender

A random thought: Now I’m wondering if there’s a Futurama style Create A Character thing online, I’ll look later. Also, I know Jurassic Bark makes everybody cry but I just wanna say it made 10 year old me sob and I didn’t cry at fictional things as a kid. Like, very very rarely. Me being a big cryer kicked in later. So that’s a helluva thing. Power of dogs

An unpopular opinion: I don’t know... oh a lot of people don’t like the later seasons but I really like them! There’s some stinkers here and there (attack of the killer app and the butterjunk effect come to mind) but overall it’s still Futurama goodness. Oh and The Beast With The Billion Backs gives me a bad feeling in my tummy because it has this “polyamory is gross and creepy” vibe to it. Whether it’s intended or not, it just makes me uncomfortable. Other than that, it’s a good movie. Fry saying “Robots don’t go to heaven” makes me tear up.

My Canon OTP: Fry and Leela, number one cartoon OTP!!!

My Non-canon OTP: Fry and Bender, babey!!!

Most Badass Character: Well, Leela, obviously

Most Epic Villain: Hmm... I looked up “Futurama Villians” and Bender is on the list jajafklafkjs I love that. I wouldn’t call anybody epic, tho Mom is pretty powerful and malevolent. I’ll pick my fave villain: The Robot Devil

Pairing I am not a fan of: Zapp gets nothing, good day sir! I don’t know any ships I’m like Against tho. Some I’m squicked by, like involving The Professor or Zoidberg but like that shit is for laughs anyways

Character I feel the writers screwed up (in one way or another): They picked the ball up later on but Hermes was a flat character for a while there. And remember how they forgot Amy is smart for like,,, ages. Again they fixed this later. It’s sometime I appreciate about the later seasons, they gave more focus for characters who were less explored in the original run (this show has like 4 finales, to be clear)

Favourite Friendship: Fry & Bender is Iconic and I adore them

Character I most identify with: Fry. Brainweird trekkie who loves TV/movies and has feminist tendencies. Love him

Character I wish I could be: I mean, if I had to... Bender? I mean, if I had to live in the super dangerous world of Futurama, I’d like to be a robot. Plus Fry and Leela’s lives are pretty sad :(

You gave me the option of LOST as well, so I’m doing that too

Favorite character: Hurley is my favourite. Indeed he’s one of my fave characters in fiction in general. (Daniel is just who I talk about the Most)

Least Favorite character: [insert abusive parent here], tho Anthony Cooper and Roger Linus are on top of the loathing pile. And y’all know I hate Christian Shephard so much. Keamy is also utter scum.

5 Favorite ships (canon or non-canon): This fluctuates so much but at this point who would I be fooling if I didn’t put Dan/Char first. Yes, I know there are bigger meals available, I’ll still lick the chocolate flakes off the floor. Anyways. Daniel/Charlotte, Daniel/Charlotte/Miles, Kate/Claire. After this point I wobble all over the place... because I ship so much. And it depends on my mood. Sometimes I’m just really in a Desmond/Charlie mood, other times i’m uwu for Jack/Kate. And so on. Just, take my top three. Tho honorable mentions to Sayid/Shannon and Miles/Richard, I’m very fond of them. And Desmond and Penny! Jin & Sun and aaahhh!! Basically most things canon and a shitton of noncanon. You guys know what I’m like with shipping and LOST!!! I’m posting the chart

Character I find most attractive: Bruh, this show is a bi & pan dream. I’m not good at picking favourites but Desmond, Charlie, Ana lucia, Charlotte are really “holy fuck” hot to me. And Sayid. And Miles. And Kate. Aahhh!! I’ll just end up listing almost everybody. If I had to pick one (1) LOST character to deem the Hottest, I’d pick Desmond. He makes my eyes glaze over. Desmond transcends all sexuality. Desmond is a living romance novel love interest. Desmond’s body is shown off a LOT... also he’s scottish. But man, I came to LOST because of one crush and left with at least 20 more. It’s a great investment!

Character I would marry: Sayid. He would make a wonderful husband. Just,,, just such a loving, gentle, respectful person........ and you KNOW he’s good with his hands. Daniel is a close second for much the same reasons, actually

Character I would be best friends with: HURLEY!!!!

A random thought: “Random Thoughts About LOST” could be a title for my blog, buddy. All the men are subs. There ya go.

An unpopular opinion: Oof, here we go. I love Jack Shephard! Though I have noticed we’ve gotten to a point where liking Jack isn’t a ridiculous concept in this fandom anymore. I don’t find myself defending myself/him as much as I used to. Also Hurley/Libby was really really cute. Yeah, I know she wasn’t around much before she died, I still believe in their love. Oh wait I forgot the big one: I fucking ADORE the LOST finale. It’s one of my favourite episodes and it’s not only not a bad finale, it’s an amazing finale, one of the best I’ve seen. It’s great television. The problems people have with it have never made sense to me, I personally love it!

My Canon OTP: Daniel/Charlotte (they count, they’re not an Official Couple but they’re in love! they count amongst the lost romances!)

My Non-canon OTP: Kate/Claire (i sometimes forget it isn’t canon because holy GOSH does this fire have a lot of fuel)

Most Badass Character: Sayid can fuck you up. That ankle thing

Most Epic Villain: Uhhh, Ben was a villain for a bit there

Pairing I am not a fan of: Kate/Sawyer springs to mind for being a very popular ship that I’m just not into. Like, it’s okay, they’re just better for each other as friends

Character I feel the writers screwed up (in one way or another): Michael, Walt and Sayid due to poor and/or racist writing. Libby, Charlotte, Miles just for missed opportunities. Actually I don’t think they screwed up Miles, he was mostly great, just he could have been used more. Like his powers, or delving into his trauma, his budding friendships with other people. it ticks me off that Miles doesn’t get given Reactions to Char & Dan’s deaths. The Science Team in general were underused and they barely felt like a Team. Anyways Michael Dawson deserved better. Season 2 just fucked up a lot of characters but it really did not treat Michael with respect. I can’t even explain how it’s bad, it just is.

Favourite Friendship: Everybody/Vincent. Hehehe, actually, here's what comes to mind, can’t pick a fave: Hurley/Charlie, Hurley/Everyone Kate/Every Woman She Meets, Jack/Claire is cute when it happens. Jin/Michael was A+. Thinking about it, I like every friendship in this show. Does Ben/Locke count? Are they friends? Well, their scenes are enthralling so there's that. I also appreciate all the lady friendships on this show. And with people who didn’t start as friends, so with everybody it had to grow in front of us and that’s nice.

Character I most identify with: Hurley, Jack, Daniel, Kate and Claire all hit. But Hurley the most, absolutely. Also I find Jack endearing because his emotional instability reminds me of my own.

Character I wish I could be: Claire. Not much would change but I’d get to fuck Charlie and Kate

Send me a ship and I will tell you:

Kate/Claire

When I started shipping them: I literally don’t remember anymore

My thoughts: The last third of Kate’s character arc (of not running anymore, of being responsible, etc) is dedicated to Claire. Kate went back to that island for Claire, not Jack or Sawyer. Kate and Claire remembered together and it was played with as much emotional resonance as the Charlie/Claire and Jack/Kate soulmate scenes. These two are gonna raise sons together. Restless, passionate!!! Honestly, these two make so much sense and get so many Moments, I forget this isn’t canon. Their actresses have amazing chemistry and just. Gosh, I love them

What makes me happy about them: They would be so good for each other! They’ll take care of each other and support each other and give each other kisses, etc. Also also I love their height difference. Oh, I enjoy the contrast of Kate who is more experienced and badass, and Claire who I feel is more naive and is very very sweet & sunshiney. (don’t take me for thinking Kate ain’t sweet and Claire can’t go off, though). I also enjoy how Kate legit looks/holds herself butcher whenever Claire is around

What makes me sad about them: Mr. LOST writers, how comes you had no canon bi people in ur show? Come back here, I’m talking to you-

Things done in fanfic that annoys me: where fic

Things I look for in fanfic: [looks around] h-hewwoo? ladies falling in love and fucking?? pwease?? i’m a fan of mutual pining. i like the idea of claire not realising she’s bi until kate makes her feel things and claire confessing her feelings to kate in a big ol’ cute ramble and then they kiiiisss, and then they fuuuuck. spare fuck, ma’am? femslash is very underdone in fandoms and lost is an old fandom so [pleading emoji]

My wishlist: oh i think i just made it. just content for kate/claire in general is a lovely thing. and makes me progressively stronger

Who I’d be comfortable them ending up with, if not each other: Jack for Kate, Charlie for Claire. Obviously

My happily ever after for them: Oh, I think I’ve made that clear. But overall? They’re married (emotionally, not legally. because Kate isn’t into that for personal reasons), they have two sons Aaron and David. Kate is a professional photographer, Claire does illustrations for children’s books. They have a nice house, they have lotsa friends, they are content

Give me a character & I will tell you:

Daniel Faraday

How I feel about this character: [mildly] Oh, I like him........ HOW DO YA THINK I FEEL ABOUT DANIEL FARADAY?? I’ve only gushed about him, analysed his character back to front, and frequently highlight his scenes and such for like a bagillion years now. But I do admit, I am just too subtle. It’s a real problem I have. ;) Anyways, that aside. Like they didn’t utilise his character as much as they should’ve/could’ve and he’s still perfect. With just 23 episodes (which makes me salty that Char is so underdeveloped in 20 episodes.) The writing is great, like in just The Variable they get a TON about Daniel across. Tho, we all know what really makes Daniel so great, the reason everybody loves him so much, is Jeremy Davies’ performance. Just. So good. I love Daniel, I adore Daniel. He’s that The Smart Guy science nerd archetype but he turns out to be way more than that too. He’s soft spoken and polite but with subtle hints of sass and bitterness for some extra flavour. I love how tactile he is and his constant hand gestures, it’s just great to watch this guy talk. And his life and backstory is very sad, like he has one of the most tragic backstories/storylines in LOST and thats. saying a lot. And I love good angst. I mean, I love LOST, so of course I do. But yeah, summing up: he’s cute, he’s smart, he’s a little funny, he’s tragic, he’s gentle and he just,,, wants to love and to make music. And he gets to have the life he deserves by the end!! Oh and the inherent value of a canonically neurodivergent character being well written, getting a good storyline and shown as being liked and loved, is just very precious to me

Any/all the people I ship romantically with this character: Charlotte, Miles, Desmond, Charlie and Theresa (last one by way of canon and I’ve certainly put way more thought into it than the writers did. she’s part of his life so I won’t ignore her). Wow, five people. I’ve made Daniel the demisexual equivalent of a slut. [snorts]

My favorite non-romantic relationship for this character: Daniel and Penny getting to be brother and sisterly in limbo is such a cute thought, I love it. I also pay extra attention to Daniel and Richard scenes because of my theory. There’s also hintettes of a Daniel & Kate friendship in canon, it’s not much but I like it. I think if Dan lived he could have made easy friends with most of the characters but as it is, he really doesn’t get to interact with many people. He’s a rather insular character

My unpopular opinion about this character: i’ve picked up that some people think he doesn’t get jokes or that he’s naive. and i personally give him some naivety here and there due to a lack of experience but i also think he’s quick learner and he can be pretty adaptable 

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon: i really like how daniel’s story is already (thus my brain instantly jumps to dan/char kiss!!!) tho it does feel a bit like theres pieces missing. this would be due to that lovely writer’s strike that happened around seasons 4 and 5. there was meant to be more sci team content but then that happened. sigh. still, gaps and loose threads in the story isn’t a story breaker for daniel specifically. and i don’t mind things being left in implication or to the imagination. i don’t need to see everything. if it was handled badly with dan, i’d be annoyed, but it wasn’t. so... dan/char kiss!!!

Favorite friendship for this character: it occurs to me that the people dan is friends with,, are people i ship him with. hey, it doesn’t cancel each other out: char and miles. also we don’t get much, or we get nothing but the implication of dan’s friendships with frank and naomi is also cute. also also daniel and desmond aren’t exactly friends (it’s weird, they meet a few times and it Means A lot) but the des and dan running thing is a fave

My crossover ship: i don’t really think of it like that...

[pineaberry]

Fictober: #29 and #30

SWTOR

STARRING: Satele Shan, and THERON SHAN having several moments!

PART 1: [X] | PART 2: [X] | PART 3: [X] | PART 4: [X]

PART 5: [X] | PART 6: [X] | PART 7: [X] | PART 8: [X] | PART 9: [X]

THE THRILLING CONCLUSION!

THANK YOU FOR PUTTING UP WITH ME! 

@sunsetofdoom @doomhamster @fluffynexu  @anchanted-one @kunoichi-ume @cinlat @velvetsunset and @the-sith-in-the-sky-with-diamond

_______________________

Theron woke up well past noon. A new record considering he hadn’t taken copious amounts of whisky. He rolled over to find the bed empty but Tikal’s scent lingered in the covers and he sighed happily. As his mind slowly woke up, his thoughts lingered on her. Tikal, The Gilded Lady, The Hero of Tython… different people, or perhaps just different aspects of the same person.

She confused him. A reasonable person would hate and resent her for what she had done to him. She had kidnapped him, infected him with an obedience virus, coerced him into helping her plans and that was just off the top of his head. Still, no one would ever claim that Theron was reasonable by any stretch of the imagination. He was chaotic and unpredictable to the point that he had torpedoed every relationship he had ever had.

His last tryst had broken up with him via text. ‘You take too much. You need more than I can give.’

Perhaps that was why it felt good to be with Tikal. With her there were limits. He took what was given and it always seemed to be exactly what he needed. It was warped and twisted but she had taken care of him all this time. Even when he had done something incredibly stupid, she had torn down the door and rescued him. Perhaps it was fitting that she was not the typical sort of Jedi.

Perhaps it’s all Stockholm’s.

Regardless, she had taken him to her bed last night and made the pain fade. That cold chill he always felt around his heart was gone. He sighed and stared at the ceiling all the while feeling foolish for believing she would have more than a fleeting interest in him. The mission was over. Their affair was finished. She had gone off to resume her duties and soon he would be well enough to travel back to Coruscant. 

Tikal would never think about him again.

At that moment door opened and a polished gold protocol droid walked holding a tray of food. As the droid set the tray down, Theron saw it was also carrying a fresh change of clothes. He took that as his cue to get up and hobble into the refresher. When he emerged, the droid was patiently waiting.

“Good afternoon, I am C2-N2. Master Tikal apologizes for not being here, but the High Council requested her presence. She has tasked me with providing food and drink.”

He noted that his blaster, and favorite red jacket were also laid out on the freshly made bed. As he slipped on the new trousers, he noticed the knees were reinforced to hide his injury while he finished healing. Inside his red jacket were his holo and a discrete parcel of strong pain killers along with a note:

‘Take WITH food. Not when you planned to eat, not at lunch time. P.S. I don’t care if you’re not hungry.’

She still thought about him. He mattered.

A strange emotion welled up inside him and he cleared his throat. He thought about dismissing the droid, but decided to interrogate him instead. The silly thing was far too eager to please to notice.

It came as only a slight surprise to find out he was in the Jedi Temple on Tython. Of all the places to end up, he supposed this was the safest. Tikal would be back that afternoon as soon as her responsibilities allowed.

“She asked that your remain in the room,” Ceetoo stated as Theron picked up a muja fruit from the tray and walked past the droid.

“That’s not going to happen.”

“Master Tikal predicted you would say that and so she requests that you not wander too far from the grounds as there are wild beasts roaming the forest. Additionally, she would like you to know that quote: ‘The amount of credits necessary to finance your medical bills would plunge the Republic into a recession’. End quote.”

Theron cracked a smile. “I’ll keep that in mind.”

He wandered out of the dormitories and into the main hallway. Under the hazy overcast light of day, the temple seemed significantly less threatening. He could appreciate the delicate carved walls now that they were no longer obscured by shadows. Padawans mulled around the corridors, some hurried about as though completing a specific errand, others still were trading the latest gossip. Few if any paid him any mind.

As he watched this unexpectedly mundane part of Temple life, he couldn’t help but think of his own childhood. As much as he tried to suppress the thoughts, the reality was that for a large portion of his life this had been his goal. There had been a time when his only thoughts were on visiting Tython and learning how to hone his power. To be here now, surrounded by the very life he was denied was disconcerting. He made a sharp and eventually ended up in the meditation garden but even this only reminded him of a life that would never come to pass.

He didn’t blame Master Zho, how could he? But there were times when he wondered if it would have been better to grow up with a normal family doing normal things and with normal expectations. Yes, there was a galaxy full of wonders that he would never be able to perceive. But perhaps ignorance was bliss if not the more merciful option.

As though the universe continued to conspire against him, he walked around the corner and straight into a small clearing where Satele Shan was waiting.

Fuck me…

“You seem troubled. Is everything alright?” she asked.

Oh perfectly fine. Just walking around taking in the visible reminders of a life I will never have.

“Getting shot will do that,” he grinned as he concealed his emotions from her as best he could.

“Yes, I heard you had been… indisposed.”

“All better now. No need to worry. Or… you know… continue not worrying,” Theron opened his arms as though to put himself under her scrutiny.

Satele looked visibly uncomfortable. She never quite knew how to address Theron. A part of her blamed his lack of emotional discipline, but a quieter, constant voice asked if she were being unreasonable considering the circumstances.

“Yes. I see. If you have a moment Theron, there is something I wish to speak to you about,” she motioned to a pair of benches behind her. Theron eyed Satele warily but followed. He had a bad feeling about this.

“If this is about me being here, don’t worry. I’ll be on the next shuttle to Coruscant.”

“No Theron. I want to ask you about Tikal. I understand you were with her these past few weeks working on a project,” Satele chose her words carefully but ultimately, there was no gentle way of saying it, “it has also come to my attention that you two have been… intimate.”

Theron felt an unpleasant jolt of outrage but remained stoic. “Why don’t you just come out and say what you need to say, Grand Master.”

There was a sharp inflection in the title that hammered home just how much distance was between them. Satele flinched but pressed on.

“It would be an unwise course of action for you to associate too much with Master Ameron. There are tasks that she needs to complete; flaws that she must work on,” she very nearly faltered when Theron gave an incredulous smile.

“So what. This is you telling me to stay away from the wrong crowd?”

“Theron, I understand this may be difficult to hear, but her path is already shrouded in shadow. The dark side touches her actions, and they will only get worse if you indulge in this relationship,” her explanation seemed to ignite a fire in Theron’s eyes.

“Which actions exactly? Because, I read her file. I know what she did. I know that you and the council dragged her all over the the galaxy with a chore list and then had the gall to complain about how she went about it.”

“The motivation behind her actions-”

“Don’t talk to me about motivation. You were the one who sent her out there with a laser sword and a hit list.”

Satele clenched her hands as she kept her own emotions in check. “Is that what you truly believe? Or is that what you tell yourself in order to continue to pursue her? You must know by now that she is not a traditional Jedi. And yes, we use her skills as a last resort, but that does not mean the ends justify the means. She is incapable of holding a normal relationship. Her attachment to you would not be healthy.”

“Of course, it wouldn’t be the first time I almost ruined a Jedi’s career prospects,” he replied unable to keep the bitterness from his tone and Satele’s brow furrowed.

“You misunderstand, I’m not speaking to you on Tikal’s behalf. I’m doing this for you. If you insist on this she will reciprocate. No matter how much you believe otherwise, it will end poorly. I don’t want that for you, Theron. I want to spare you the pain.”

“Then spare me the rest of this conversation,” he snapped as the simmering rage within him bubbled over, “who do you think you are to tell me who I can or can’t fuck? You lost that right the moment you checked the box opting out of having a son. And you know what? That’s fine. You got everything you wanted out of it, but don’t come to me now and pretend we have anything resembling a personal relationship. We’re coworkers at best. And if we’re being honest, considering your track record, you’re the least qualified person to be doling out relationship advice.”

Satele watched as Theron got up, too stunned to respond.

“Good talkin’ to you,” and with that caustic parting he stormed back to the dormitories. He didn’t know what was more infuriating, the Satele’s condescending advice, or the fact that she would condemn their relationship as a failure.

“If you insist on this she will reciprocate. No matter how much you believe otherwise, it will end poorly.”

Right, because the idea that she would love me is so inherently wrong.

He stopped short as the words penetrated the fog of anger. Satele’s warning wasn’t that Tikal would reject him. Her fear was that Tikal would embrace him. Something akin to hope bubbled in his heart.

“How was your walk?” He looked up to see Tikal in front of him. Impulse won out once more and he hugged her.

“Theron? Are you alright?”

He closed his eyes tightly and held on. Later he would blame the painkillers, but for now he needed to feel grounded. He needed to belong somewhere.

“I’m with you, you know that. Right?” he asked quietly and in response he felt her arms wrap around him.

“Well yes, but it’s nice to be told,” she mused and, in that moment, he knew it would all work out. Despite what anybody else thought, they would be okay.

________________________

Original Fictober Promp List HERE!

[suteshiro]

ALL for crown.

I LOVE YOU

If your character wasn’t an adventurer, what livelihood would they lead?

Wouldn’t you want to know

Who in the party would your character trust the most with their life?

For now I can’t say for sure? From the ones he currently knows it’s hard to tell bc he trusts Love in a Personal Way but is lowkey convinced he’d sell him to Satan for a corn chip. And Gank seems p trustworthy in that regard but they have only briefly met each other

What are your character’s core moral beliefs?

No one gets to control or take away someone else’s autonomy

What relationship does your character have with their parents and siblings?

Parents? Hate ‘em. Siblings? H

Does your character have any biases for or against certain races?

Eeh, I don’t think so

What is your character’s opinion on nobility? On authority?

Take a wild guess ksvjfnskjv 

He doesn’t think someone having authority is inherently bad but he hates every person in authority he’s ever known of so his opinion has been formed based on that

Describe your character’s current appearance: clothes, armor, scars they’ve picked up along the journey, etc.

I’m lazy. You know what she looks like

What location encountered in the campaign has your character felt the most “at home” in, or just generally liked the most?

Campaign hasn’t started yet so I can’t say anything about which locations visited she’s liked! She feels very comfortable at the spot we’re starting at tho

What deity, if any, does your character worship? What’s their opinion on other people’s worship?

Caenrys babey. She’s a bit weirded out by people who dedicate themselves to organized religion but in general she doesn’t stick her nose in others’ religious business

If your character had time to pick up any artisan’s tools, game set, instrument, etc., what would it be?

Artisan’s tools: I think he’d like glassblowing! Woodworking is cool too

Game set: playing cards probably

I don’t think he’s rlly interested in music as something he himself might perform vkjfnfksjn

Learning how to use a poisoner’s kit could be fun

Describe your character’s current relationship with the player character sitting to your right.

I’m not sitting next to anyone so I rolled for it and got Gank (@prophe-seer​‘s character)

Crown likes Gank a lot! They only met like, once but they rlly got along. She feels a bit bad for them bc they seemed to think she was rlly nice and instead of considering she Might genuinely be nice she jumped to “oh shit the bar is fucking underground for this guy” skvjfnksjfvn. So she’s surprisingly attached. She wants them to have an actual friend bc it seems like they need it

What is your character’s current goal, summed up in one sentence?

I’m headed straight for the castle

Does your character ever want to “settle down” with a spouse, children, house, etc.?

Currently, no. She has a lot of dangerous shit to do and is too caught up on being A Free Spirit That Actually Gets To See The World to like,, consider settling down. And she hasn’t given any thought to what life she’ll have after her goals have been fulfilled.

But I’ve actually given some thought to this and I think she wants to make a family one day. Idk if it’ll include children (probably adopting older “problem” children tbh) or a spouse but she definitely wants to settle down with at least one pet

Has your character ever been in love?

H,

What battle in the campaign has been most memorable to your character?

Haven’t played yet!

If your character wasn’t whatever class they are, what would they be instead?

Probably a fighter skjvfnskjfvn or a paladin

What is your character’s favorite season?

Autumn! Lovs the cronch. Loves to get to cool down after summer

What would your character’s Zodiac sign be, following stereotypical astrology?

I actually already made this decision ksjfnkvsjn she’s an Aries. I remember liveblogging my decision making to a friend regarding this but i cant remember what it was and im lazy

Where in the world does your character most want to visit?

Oh you know

What is the biggest mistake your character has ever made?

Oh you know,

Does your character have any noticeable scars? If so, what are their stories?

Probably not!

What animal best represents your character?

Wolf,

If your character could go back in time and change one thing about their life, what would it be?

Oh you know,,,,

Which other player character does your character find themselves having the most in common with?

Not sure yet!

Does your character regret any particular choice the party has made?

idk yet ksvfsjfv

What would your character say their best trait would be?

uuuh i dont think he thinks of himself in positive terms a lot skvnksjfvn

he’d probably name his strength or smth like that

What is your character’s greatest fear? Deep, irrational?

Oh, you know!

What is currently motivating your character to stay with the party?

I don’t know cause we don’t have the plot hook yet

What are your character’s hobbies and interests outside of their class?

he likes collecting small trinkets and going to festivals and thats. about it

What would most people think when they first see your character?

“Oh shit sexy”

What stereotypical group role does your character play in the party? (The Mom, the Mess, the Comic Relief, etc. Optionally: What role would your character play in the “Five Man Band” structure?)

Surprisingly, I think it’s The Mom skjvfnksnvksjnvf he seems to be really going in the “What The Fuck. Are You Okay. I Must Protect You”

But also he’s absolutely the mess

 In a five man band he’s the leader, lancer and big guy all at once. Probably the lancer tho

What is your character the most insecure about?

He’s completely unable to see himself as a kind person worthy of tenderness

What person does your character admire most?

Gaylia!!! He thinks she’s so strong and cool

What does your character admire and dislike the most about the player character sitting to your left?

Going for Love since I talked about Gank already. He bedrudgingly admires how cunning and People Smart Love can be. Absolutely hates how much of a Bastard he is and how hot he is

Why is your character’s lowest stat their lowest (the in-character reason, not “because there’s no reason for a wizard to have 16 strength, duh”)?

Both int and wis are at a -2!

Wisdom: he wasn’t uh. raised in a way where he rlly got to learn the ways of people’s minds, or do anything but repress his own feelings. and once he was out on his own he was so focused on being a reckless fool he never even tried to change that

Intelligence: He has big adhd and always had a hard time learning. Instead of being supported he was yelled at and punished for stupidity. He retaliated by refusing to keep trying. So now he’s dumb 

What would be your character’s theme song/favorite band/favorite genre of music?

I have an entire playlist for him please look at it I worked so hard on it-

I think most  relevant are Castle by Halsey and Emperor’s new clothes by p!atd. I think he would also associate those songs with himself and really like them. Royals by Lorde is also up there for sure. And Rise from League of Legends

What stereotypical role would your character play in a high school AU/if they attended a normal high school? (Nerd, jock, bully, goth, etc.)

Goth jock.

What treasure/item/artifact that your character has collected during the adventure is the most important to them?

Not particularly precious to him and not in the adventure since we haven’t played yet but he has Love’s broken antler skvjfnksjfv

Is there any particular weapon, item, etc. that your character longs to find?

Oh you know

Where does your character feel the most at home?

Gaylia’s place probably,

Does your character care about how they’re perceived by others? How do they change themselves to fit in with other people?

She’s built her entire identity around refusing to give a fuck, however in truth she probably actively tries to be seen as rebellious and maybe intimidating

What does your character think is the true meaning of life?

Bold of you to imply she thinks that much

What is your character’s scent? (Bonus points for a description that sounds like it could be from a bad [or awesome] fanfic.)

Roses, lilies and musk ( have no clue if those go well together)

Does your character think more with their heart or their brain?

Heart, absolutely

What is your character’s most recent or frequent nightmare?

haha,,,, ha,,,,,,, h

What opinion does your character have on [CERTAIN ESTABLISHED GROUPS/AUTHORITIES IN THE GAME WORLD]? (Dragonmarked Houses, royal crown, etc.)

Wouldn’t you like to know

How did your character spend their childhood? Where did they grow up/who were their childhood friends?

What aspect of your character’s future are they most curious about? (If they could know one thing about the future, what would it be?)

I will keep that to myself!

What colors are associated with your character?

Who in the party would your character prioritize rescuing, in dire circumstances?

Love,,

Is your character the most swayed by ethos, pathos, or logos?

Pathos

If your character was granted a single use of Wish, what would they use it for?

I will keep that to myself!

What is your character’s favorite spell? If they don’t use spells: what is their favorite personal weapon/combat maneuver/skill/etc.?

She has spells and enjoys using them (probably mostly eldritch blast) but nothing beats her good trusty zweihander

How does your character feel about keeping secrets from the rest of the party?

She has no qualms with it ksvjfnskfjv

What type of creature in the world is your character the most intrigued by?

Love I dunno, snakes? Snakes are weird

When they were a child, what did your character want to be, or think they were going to be, when they grew up?

I don’t think Crown thought she was gonna make it to her 20s

The player character to your left admits that they’re passionately in love with your character. How would your character respond?

I rolled and got Gank skfvnksjvfn

I think he’d be flustered and flattered and be like “oh! we can. certainly try dating! but I can’t say I return your feelings right now. uh. sorry,,,”

If somebody (an NPC, someone from their backstory, etc.) your character trusts/loves asked your character to do something against the party’s best interest, who would they side with?

Ah,,,

That’s a very complicated question that depends on many factors I’m afraid 

Does your character value their own best interest more than the party’s?

He wants to think he does, at least skvjnskvjf

What decision would the party have to make in order for your character to consider splitting off from the group?

Who knows!

How does your character imagine the way they will die?

Doing something stupid, completely alone

What is your character’s greatest achievement?

Making it to 25 honestly svkjnksfjnv

Is your character willing to risk the well-being of others in order to achieve their goal?

Depends on who those others are

What is your character’s opinion on killing others?

Sure why not let’s do it man

What is your character’s favorite food? Beverage?

Pizza and orange juice?

How generous is your character? Especially to those they don’t know?

Surprisingly generous! Maybe not so much with money but she’s always willing to lend a helping hand

What is your character the most envious about, regarding anyone in the party?

I don’t understand this question svknskjfv

The player character to your left and the player character to your right are both telling your character two different versions of the truth. Who does your character believe?

Again I keep choosing between Gank and Love bc they’re the only ones she knows kjfvnskjfvn I mean. it depends. if it’s on something Important I think she’ll side with Love but in general she’s more likely to believe Gank 

What is your character’s sexuality/relationship with sex?

Big bisexual, first of all!

She actually has a complicated relationship with sex! Being in any kind of Intimate Situation used to be very triggering for her. But she worked through it and now she’s. Horny

What is your character’s biggest pet peeve?

When people leave without paying their part.

Describe how your character feels about the party’s current situation/objective/etc.

Shit man I dunno we have no plan

Who in the party would your character trust the most to keep an important secret?

Love is the only one she’s known long enough to build any meaningful trust with svknskfv

If your character knew that they were going to die in a month, how would they spend the rest of their life?

Probably with his only genuine friend, trying to live life to the fullest kvjfnskfv,

What makes your character feel safe?

Being fully aware of his surroundings with easy access to his sword

If your character had the chance to rename the party/give the party a name, no questions asked, what would it be?

No party yet!

What memory does your character want to forget the most?

H,

If your character had to multiclass into a class they currently aren’t the next time they level up, what would it be and what reason would they have for doing so?

Fukinuh. Paladin? He rlly likes Caenrys and is like “fuck it let’s do another combat charisma-based thing”

What television/book/video game/etc. character would your character be best friends with? (Or: what media character is your character the most influenced by/similar to?

He was heavily influenced by a webcomic character but i will keep Who a secret just in case it makes people figure stuff out skvnskvn

What unusual talents does your character possess?

Really good at doing things without looking, apparently skfjvnsfv

How does your character feel about receiving/giving orders? Are they more of a leader, or a follower?

Giving orders is. Kinda hot

Receiving orders? Die

What does your character’s name represent to them? (Or: why as a player did you choose your character’s name?)

Among other things, Crown’s name represents her proclaiming herself as someone with full authority, if anything, over herself. She’s claiming at every moment a position of power and I think that’s very sexy of her

Is your character more of an introvert, or an extrovert?

Ambivert, probably! Loves people but may get overwhelmed being around them too much

How far is your character willing to go to pursue the “greater good”? Do they believe in a greater good at all?

In theory she doesn’t believe in the greater good but she lies to herself so who knows what she’d do when push comes to shove skjvfnksjfv

What does your character want to be remembered by?

It’s complicated and I’m too lazy to explain it, especially without spoiling anything

What would be your character’s major in college?

He’d shrivel and die in an academic setting pal

Does your character consider themselves a hero, villain, or something else?

It’s complicated,,

Let’s say hero and keep it there

What major arcana tarot card best represents your character?

I’m between The Fool and The Magician. Strength is also fun

Where does your character see themselves in 20 years?

Oh, you know!

What is your character’s relationship with magic? Are they scared of it, wish to know more about it, indifferent to it?

Magic is,,, kinda hot!

Who is your character’s biggest rival?

Love ksjvfnksjfvkjsfv

What is your character’s guiltiest pleasure?

Bold of you to imply he feels guilt over anything pleasurable

What does your character hope for the afterlife?

He doesn’t think about that

Who in the party does your character trust the least?

Just as he trusts Love the most he also trusts him the least. Shady bastard

What is your character’s biggest flaw?

-2 wisdom

How did your character learn the languages that they speak?

Uh. Growing up and being raised?

What is your character’s favorite school of magic/type of weaponry?

GREATSWORD AND EVOCATION BABY

What is most important to your character: health, wealth, or happiness?

Happiness

What advice would your character give to a younger version of themselves?

“There’s power in your anger. Take action before it gets worse”

Are there any social or political issues your character feels strongly about?

It’s hard to explain bc I don’t know Politics Words

What, currently, is your character the most curious about?

;)