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cryptix23 · 9 months ago

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Imagine, if you will, a reboot of The Lost Room, as a full series with all intended content and maybe a couple more seasons. That's what I've been doing with my weekend -- imagining that, I mean; and also fancasting it because why not.

Doing some character analysis as well so there will be some spoilers. Go watch Lost Room.

Note I'm not super familiar with current TV, the most current thing I've watched was Poker Face, so my pool is limited and I'm open to other suggestions.

Probably won't matter but I'm imagining this still set in the early 2000s, because I choose to and because working modern social media into the story sounds like a headache.

Without further ado, fancasting.

Joe Miller

Original Actor: Peter Krause

Our main man, Joe. Joe Miller is competent, not book-smart but picks up on things fast -- he's an audience stand-in for a smart audience. Yes, he's a cop, but he's fictional so we won't hold that against him. He's the loving single father of a bright eight-year-old girl, whose disappearance becomes his main driving force. Violence is rarely his first resort, and he gets as far as he does often by just talking to people and asking them for help.

Joe has to be curious, charismatic, a little charmingly naive, occasionally intimidating, and deliver the extreme emotions of a man who would absolutely rip the world apart if it would get him his daughter back.

Fancast: David Castañeda

(Listen I told you up front that my most current watch was Poker Face. You were warned.)

I promise I'm not just fancasting Castañeda because he plays one of my favorite tough-yet-pathetic sadboys, Diego Hargreeves.

I am fancasting him because he is incredibly good at having eyes, and I genuinely think he would crush it as every aspect of Joe: The smart detective, the naive newcomer to a strange world, the grieving but determined father, the subdued rage facing Weasel and Ruber.

He'd bring a different vibe, sure, but what's the point of a reboot if you don't do something a little different with it?

Wally Jabrowski

Original Actor: Peter Jacobson

Wally is described by the showrunner (...somewhere, I swear, I think it was a reddit AMA but I can't find it now) as being a sort of chaotic neutral trickster figure. He's a weird little imp who wanders the countryside, consigning people to Hell (New Mexico) for any perceived slight. Joe manages to get on his good side using the Key and some sheer determination, so Wally helps him out and ends up becoming his first ally in the world of Objects. How does Wally know so much? Who knows. He's there to dispense key lore to our hapless hero, not talk about himself.

Wally keeps on helping Joe right up until it starts to jeopardize his own safety and comfort, at which point he backs out, because he is ultimately out for number one -- but he sticks his neck out pretty far for Joe before he hits that point.

The actor for Wally needs to be able to sell that gremlin energy, the self-centeredness undercut by a genuine friendship with this guy who refused to stay gone.

Fancast: Natasha Lyonne

Wait no stop hear me out. Listen. Am I biased because, as already mentioned several times, I just finished watching Poker Face? Absolutely. BUT. Tell me to my face that Natasha Lyonne does not have the perfect chaotic neutral gremlin energy to play Wally. Imagine the diner scene with her. Run any of Wally's lines through her charmingly fried voice. She's perfect.

You wouldn't even have to change the name, just some pronouns. Yeah, her name is Wally. Is it short for something? Maybe. Doesn't matter. Enjoy Hell.

The only further casting choice that I'm confident in is--

Suzie Kang

Original Actor: Margaret Cho

Suzie Kang is an information broker. She can dig up information about Objects in a flash and will sell that information to whoever is buying -- although she doesn't come cheap. She never touches the Objects herself, though. She's smarter than that.

Kang is a self-assured businesswoman who knows what's what and has carved her place into it. She has no interest in morality and actively refuses to work with the Legion given that they keep removing Objects from circulation. She'll happily upcharge if you seem new, or desperate, or if she knows you're good for it.

Fancast: Stephanie Hsu

'Did you just cast everyone from the shit mountain episode' SHUT UP

Stephanie Hsu was amazing in EEAAO and, yes, Poker Face, and I think she'd pull off Suzie Kang's amoral self-confidence really well, not to mention Kang's teenage mall-goth sense of style. I can see her delivering the unironic "Those things'll kill you" line with the cigarette burning in her fingers, and that's important.

I'm not settled on any of my other casting choices, but I have ideas for a couple more.

Howard "The Weasel" Montague

Original Actor: Robert Bart

The Weasel is my favorite character in this show and he is such a specific kind of endearingly pathetic little bastard man that casting him is tricky.

Howard Montague is an ex philosophy professor turned small-time criminal and Object hunter, whose main goal is to find the Prime Object, for unknown purposes. He's the first villain we see and kind of sets the tone for the series with his cocksure attitude and unhesitating, physics-defying double homicide. Weasel isn't dumb, but thinks he's smarter than he is, and has a hard time letting go of ideas he's sure of -- contrasting with Joe's ability to think outside the box.

He's vicious in the way that a little dog is vicious, he will bite but he needs the confidence of a weapon like the Pen to pull off any kind of intimidation, otherwise he's kind of just adorable.

He's also just... made to be a henchman. He falls into working alongside Joe so easily when they hit Kreutzfeld's, this man should not be in a leadership position, he is made to be right-hand man. (I have... many headcanons about this, but I will stick with canon for this post.)

Finding someone to fit this specific concept has been difficult, but here's some of the candidates I've considered (and why they do and don't fit the bill).

Potential Fancast: Aidan Gallagher

Back to casting from TUA. Aidan Gallagher as Five proved that he can absolutely play a weird vicious little man who thinks he's the smartest person in the room and you kinda want to punch him for it. The reversed dynamic with his and Castañeda's characters would be entertaining. Unfortunately Gallagher is nowhere near old enough to be an ex professor, not to mention Joe throwing around someone that much younger would have a much worse vibe.

(Gallagher would be great as a longtime Object user, though. Consider him as Harold Stritzke, perhaps.)

Potential Fancast: Con O'Neill

Izzy Hands from OFMD is another favorite pathetic little bastard man and O'Neill could definitely pull it off. I'd buy him as a philosophy prof, too. The problem is... Con O'Neill is intimidating. I buy that he would murder someone, but he would not need the Pen to do it. (As my boyfriend agreed, "he'd just use a regular pen.")

Potential Fancast: Aldis Hodge

Hodge has the least 'weird little guy' energy here, but his role as Hardison in Leverage proves that he can pull that off. Philosophy professor, sure. Small-time criminal, sure. Smart, but not quite as smart as he thinks he is, sure. My hesitation here is that I don't think I've ever seen Hodge vicious. I struggle to see him committing a casual murder, and that's a pretty important part of the character.

Ah, well. I will think further on it.

Karl Kreutzfeld

Original Actor: Kevin Pollack

Karl Kreutzfeld is a wealthy man, an ex member of the Legion, who began collecting Objects and has amassed a pretty impressive collection. He still needs more, though, with the particular goal of the Eye -- which he needs to cure his beloved son Isaac's leukemia. It's obvious from pretty early on that he's not a good man, but his goals seem reasonable, and he and Joe strike up an alliance over their apparently shared goal of saving their children. What's a little burglary and attempted murder between friends?

Spoilers, but if you've gotten this far into a Lost Room post you know or don't care: Karl is the Big Bad. His son has been dead for some years, and he wants specific Objects not to heal him but to rewrite the universe to bring him back. And if that breaks the universe in the process -- so be it.

Karl serves as a sort of dark mirror to Joe. They're both fathers driven to extremes to protect their children. Joe at one point says that he would break the world to get his daughter back -- Karl has the money, resources, and ruthlessness to actually do it.

Karl can be played by someone who usually plays villains, because him being a bad guy is not a particular surprise. It's the depth to which he is willing to go that comes out of left field and leaves you (and Joe) reeling. Until that twist comes out, though, he has to be ruthless but also charming, a loving father, and someone Joe would reasonably trust despite all evidence otherwise. Someone Joe could physically push around is also ideal, given the kidnapping scene.

I had trouble with fancasting this one, but I really like my bf's suggestion.

Potential Fancast: Giancarlo Esposito

Now, I haven't seen Breaking Bad or Better Call Saul (look, I'll get to it) but I know Esposito by reputation (and by his role in Abigail, which was great). He might be a little too big for a weird genre show these days, but goddamn if he wouldn't kill it as Karl.

I don't have specific ideas for the rest of the cast, unfortunately.

Jennifer Bloom

Original Actor: Julianna Margulies

Jennifer Bloom is in product development for a cereal company, whatever that means, but we never see her at her day job (I somehow got the idea she was in real estate, not that it matters either way.) More importantly, she's a Legion member, one of the two that are ever named (counting Arjun, not counting Karl or Marco). She genuinely believes in the Legion's goals of removing the Objects from circulation, having seen firsthand how they drove her brother insane. Jennifer's goals are loftier than Joe's and she has a little bit of that 'ends justify the means' mentality, but not such that she's willing to hurt him over it, or even refuse him information when he needs it. She's not above a little subterfuge, though. There are hints that she has a temper, and that she's a little more vicious than she lets on (with a particular hatred for betrayal, real or perceived), but those traits don't show through often. She believes in the Legion's code against killing and is strongly affected when she's forced to kill in self-defense, but later when shit goes down with Karl she doesn't hesitate and even has a little quip to go with it.

It might just be me, having rewatched the series too many times, but a few watches in I got the vibe that she was supposed to be a red herring -- that we the audience (or possibly Joe) are meant to think she is slipping information to Karl. She's not, but there's a few scenes where you could get that idea. Hitting a little harder on that could introduce some good conflict and foreshadow the actual mole more.

Should this reboot be a continuing series, Jennifer would have a lot to reckon with in the aftermath of the last episode. Her high-and-mighty organization was sold out, most of them are dead, she's attempted murder, and her boyfriend Santa Claus'd himself into semi-godhood.

Who would play her? No idea. There's a lot of great actors out there who could play this part well. The most important elements, I think, are chemistry with Joe and the emotional depth to show how well she is -- or isn't -- handling her world getting turned upside-down.

Dr Martin Ruber

Original Actor: Dennis Christopher

(Sidenote, finding a picture of this guy was so hard, wtf)

Ah, him. This motherfucker. What a tool.

A forensic scientist, Ruber is initially friendly with our detectives, banters with Lou and Joe, and tries to protect Joe. In the meantime, however, his curiosity leads to him seeking out the Objects, and very quickly dives headlong into obsession before he's even directly interacted with one.

Initially unassuming, witty, kind of mousy, Ruber quickly becomes unhinged enough to kill Lou over the Key. Failing to take it, he sets another man on fire to join the Order, and then backstabs them when he has another chance at the Key. By the end of the series he's well on his way to becoming a full-on cult leader with delusions of prophet-hood, handily setting him up as the next Big Bad after Karl.

A fun role for whoever plays this guy, but no idea who that ought to be.

Anna Miller

Original Actor: Elle Fanning

Anna is a bright eight-year-old girl whose first instinct when presented with a magic door is to throw things in there and see what happens. She also has a beloved stuffed animal named Lester Boneyfish. The kid is a born scientist.

She gets kidnapped and then spends most of the series stuck in the Room, so mostly you need a child actor with good delivery and a decent scream. In a continuing series she might be called on to do more, but as is she could be played by anyone.

(I can NOT find good pictures of any of these other characters and Tubi doesn't allow screenshots, might edit something in later but for now you'll have to take my word for it. Or go watch Lost Room.)

Lou Destefano

Original Actor: Chris Bauer

Joe's partner, a good friend who's encouraging him through his custody issues and tries to keep him and Anna happy and occupied. The only person Joe reveals the Key to, and reacts to it well. A great guy all around. Shame he dies at the end of the first episode.

Since he's the first one to die, he should probably be a white guy. He could be played by a bigger-name actor, too, since he'll only be there for a small part. Otherwise, no ideas.

Lee Bridgewater

Original Actor: April Grace

Another Philly detective. Lee has daughters of her own and is friendly with Joe and Anna. When the two of them disappear, Lee points out how bad it looks for Joe, but Lou still suggests her as the first person they reveal the Key to. She's got a good head on her shoulders and doesn't freak out about things. After Lou's murder, she's the first to be skeptical about Ruber's story.

Joe tries to keep her out of all this, even when she arrests him, but that goes down the drain when Ruber hits her with the Cards. From that point on Lee suffers from contextless nightmares about the Motel. She goes after Ruber and fully would have shot him if he hadn't had the Glasses.

Lee is a tough character going through some serious shit without any of the support network Joe manages to pick up, and in a continuing series would probably go through a lot more -- seeing as that motherfucker Ruber is her only source of information on what the hell is going on. Like Jennifer, this character needs someone with a lot of emotional depth to convey just how much she's going through, and I'm not sure just who that is.

The Sood

Original Actor: Jason Antoon

Like Suzie Kang, The Sood is an information broker who works out of a bookshop in Vegas. He has a somewhat more sophisticated set-up, but he also caters to a more exclusive clientele.

I have no strong opinions on who should play him... as long as they can do the Eyes.

#cryptix musings #the lost room #fancast #home sick with no internet except my wifi hotspot #so spent the day writing this #great use of my time #suggestions welcome

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