#grateful he even sends me nice messages every now and again

[fuwaprince]

Finally opened the messages from "dad" in my phone. Instantly calmer but not really. Very sad

[kaliforniahigh]

Hello! I come with angst ideas for Ex Husband!Noah.

So.

For context they’re still married at this point.

Ezra’s school is putting on a show (like an end of the school year or a Christmas show?) and he’s like SUUUPER excited about it.

He’s been practicing his lines every day. He only has a small part but he doesn’t care.

Noah promises he’s going to be there but he’s not home yet when it’s time to leave to head to the school to watch it.

You take your seat and there’s an empty one beside you.

The show starts and Noah still isn’t there.

You can’t help but notice the devastation in Ezra’s face that’s mixed with hope as he watches the door at the back just in case he comes in.

You confront Noah when you’re home.

LOVE YOU! And love this au!

Wow, you really came through with this angst!!! I love this so much. I feel like even though Noah is a great dad, sometimes, parents just slip and end up doing not nice things. I'd say this is definitely something that haunts Noah to this day. Especially because he's had to miss more school plays and events due to his job.

Anyway, here's a little something about how this went down when they were still married. Thanks agains for sending this in <3 Love ya!!!!

Warnings: me not knowing how school plays work lol angst, exwife is a little angry, but things end as well as they can.

WC: 2.5k words. (not proofread, so sorry for any mistakes!)

Exhusband!Noah and Exwife!Reader masterlist.

You were honestly grateful Ezra's school play was happening today. Even though you loved how excited and happy he was about it, getting to hear a play by play on how theater practice is going kind of took a toll on you. You'd never tell him this, though, so you'd just let the kid ramble on for hours on end.

"And that's because he's the tree. Which is unmovable and has no lines. Imagine if he gets a main role one day", Noah pointed out once, as you were laying in bed at the end of the day.

"At least he's dedicated. Main role or not", you said. "I bet he's gonna be the best unmovable tree, though"

"Of course he is. He's my son and we don't do things half assed", you snorted at this because it's absolutely true. Noah went above and beyond even for things with little significance at the and of the day, and you expected your son to be no different.

Right now, you were getting ready to attend the school play. You had dropped off Ezra early at school, so him, the other kids, and the teachers could get everything ready on time, and make sure all the kids were set.

You had agreed with Noah to meet him there, since he had band practice and it would run a little bit late and he wouldn't have time to come home and get ready with you.

It was nearing 6pm and you texted him saying you'd leave in about twenty minutes, and you'd save him a seat beside you for when he arrived.

When you got no answer, you thought it was odd, but didn't dwell on it too much. He must be busy at the moment and couldn't check his phone.

You grabbed your stuff and headed out, texting him on the way to the school once again.

Still no answer.

You waited until you were parked at the school parking lot to call him, instead of texting, but it just went straight to voicemail. You decided to leave him a message.

"Hey, just wanted to let you know I'm already here. Are you on your way? Text me when you can"

Hanging up the phone, you had a strange feeling pooling in your belly, but you pushed it aside. He was gonna be here. He had to be here. Ezra was talking about this school play for weeks, there's no way Noah wouldn't be here for it.

Locking your car, you made your way to the school theater. Finding a place towards the front, you sat down and placed your bag on the seat beside you.

The play would start in about forty minutes, and during that time, you guess you've called Noah more than ten times. At this point, you were getting agitated, a nervousness settled deep in your stomach, and you started to get antsy.

When the lights dimmed, and the music started to play, it dawned on you. Noah wasn't coming.

Trying one more time, and still without success, you decided you wouldn't call him again.

Your mind went a hundred miles a minute, thinking about all of the things that could've happened that would prevent Noah from being here. You even though about the worst case scenarios, but brushed it off as soon as it came to your mind. Bad new traveled fast, and if something had happened to him, you'd surely know by now.

Ezra came into play, his little face poking through a hole in the tree costume, and you smiled when he spotted you in the crowd. You could see his face turn into a frown though, when he noticed his father was not sitting beside you. You just waved at him, trying to act nonchalant.

Throughout the play, you'd be lying to say you were paying attention. You didn't know if you felt anger, concern or disappointment. You guess it was a mixture of all three.

About thirty minutes into the play, you turned your phone brightness all the way down, so people wouldn't notice you on your phone, and decided to text Ruffilo.

You: Hey, Nick. You know where Noah is?

You waited a few minutes for his replay. Heart beating fast.

Ruff: Hey, Y/N.

Ruff: Yeah, we're hanging at Matt's place. I think Noah's phone is dead, though.

Ruff: You wanna talk to him?

You stared at the text messages in complete disbelief. He was hanging at Matt's place? Hanging with his buddies instead of being here for his son?

You'd love to know what excuse he'd come up with.

You: Not really. Just let him know he's missing his son's school play.

You locked your phone, and you could tell the play was about to wrap up, as the main characters delivered the last lines, and in a couple of minutes, everyone was standing up and clapping, as the kids bowed on stage.

You felt your phone vibrate and looked at the screen.

Ruff: Shit.

Shit indeed, you thought to yourself, as you sat down once again to wait for Ezra to come and find you. He just had to take his costume off and change back into his clothes.

It didn't take long before he appeared on the side of the stage, one of the teachers holding his hand as he looked for you. Standing up, you waved, and he came walking towards you as soon as he spot you.

He came walking. Not running, as you expected.

"Where's daddy?", he asked you, as you crouched down to his level. He had a deep frown on his face.

"Hi, baby", you greeted him, smoothing his hair that was growing to be long like his father's. "Daddy got sick, sweetheart. He couldn't be here. I'm sorry"

You hated lying to Ezra, and you didn't do it often at all, if ever. But, this time, you guess it would be better to not tell him the truth, instead of saying his father completely forgot about his school play.

"What does daddy have?", Ezra asked.

"I think it's just a stomach bug, buddy. He'll be fine soon, don't worry", you reassured him, but his demeanor didn't change, or get better.

"Can we go home? I'm tired", he said, reaching his arms up for you, and you picked him up. You couldn't help but notice he was getting too big for you to carry him, and you'd soon had to stop.

"Of course we can", you said, threading your fingers through his hair, as he laid his head down on your shoulder.

You wanted to cry. You hated seeing your son sad.

Walking with him to the parking lot, a bunch of parents were walking to their own cars with their kids, and you greeted some of them on the way, recognizing them as parents from Ezra's class.

Strapping him in his booster seat, you got in the driver's seat yourself and started the drive home.

Observing him through the inside rearview mirror, you noticed that halfway home, Ezra dozed off and took a nap.

There's no way he'd eat something, or take a bath, before going to bed today.

Arriving home, you took him in your arms once again, struggling with the key to the door a little, but finally able to get it open. You walked with him to his bedroom, setting him on his bed, where he sat, rubbing his eyes and looking extra sleepy.

"You wanna eat something?", you asked, and he shook his head no. "A warm bath?", he shook his head no once again. "Ok, then, I know you're tired, so tonight, you can go straight to bed"

Walking towards his dresser, you opened the pajama drawer.

"You want the dinosaur, or the robots pajama?"

"Dinosaur"

You nodded and grabbed the dinosaur pajama and helped him into them, and in no time, he was snuggled under the blanket. You waited a few minutes, until his breaths evened out and you were sure he had fallen asleep.

While you waited, you heard the front door open, so you got up from your spot on the bed, closed the door behind you, and made your way to the living room.

You stopped in your tracks when you spotted Noah locking the door behind him. Turning around to face you, you swear you've never seen a guiltier face in you entire life.

"Y/N...", he started, but you cut him off. Much to his dismay, you had a lot of time to simmer in your anger on the drive back home.

"I honestly don't even wanna look at you right now. Let alone hear whatever stupid excuse you're gonna come up with", you told him, coldness and a tinge of anger seeping into your voice. He can tell you're holding back on him.

"I don't have an excuse", he said, looking down, and when he looked back at you, you could see his watery eyes reflecting in the lights coming from outside the window.

"I don't know if that's better or worse", you pointed out.

"I just", he said, taking a long breath. "I just forgot. I don't know what happened, but I just forgot"

You don't know if you should feel any better about his honesty and the fact that he didn't try to come up with a false reason for not being there.

"You forgot about the play he's been telling us about for the past, I don't know, month?", you question him, incredulous.

"I just forgot, ok? I don't know what else to say", he told you, visibly getting frustrated at the situation and at himself.

"You don't get to be fucking angry and pissy here, alright?", you say, trying not to raise your voice, pointing a finger at him. "You're lucky I'm even giving you the time of day so you can explain yourself"

You don't give him a chance to reply, as you start to make your way to the kitchen to grab your nightly glass of water. You can hear him trailing behind you, though.

"I'm really sorry. I really didn't mean to forget about it", his voice was meek and a little shaky.

"It's not me you should be apologizing for. It's your son", you grab your glass of water and start to make your way to your shared bedroom, when you stop in your tracks and turn back to him. "I told him you were sick. So, when he asks, just go with the story"

This time, you disappear down the hallway to your bedroom.

You go through you nighttime routine and Noah doesn't come in the bathroom, or in the bedroom. He knows to give you some space and time when you're angry. Especially when you're angry at him.

You turn off the lamp and slip under the blankets, but sleep doesn't find you so easily. Instead, you toss and turn in bed, and, as you lay there, you slowly start to feel the anger slipping away from your bones.

Tomorrow is gonna be a new day, and you couldn't hold this over his head forever, anyway.

After ten more minutes, the door opens and Noah comes into the bedroom. He quietly does his thing in the bathroom, and changes into his sleep clothes. He doesn't say anything, even though he can tell you're awake.

It's when he lays down in bed with you, that it all comes crashing down.

It starts off with quiet sniffles, that soon turn into full body sobs, as he tries to even out his breath and wipe the tears from his eyes.

You come out of mom mode, and instead, you decide to be the partner he needs right now.

Turning on your side, you wrap your arms around him, and he rests his head on your shoulder, his cries not letting up.

"I'm such a shitty father. How can I fucking forget my son's school play?"

"You're not a shitty father. What happened today wasn't nice, but it doesn't define you as a father", you tell him, honestly, but you can tell it's gonna take more for him to understand that.

"Yes, I am. I try so hard to not fuck up but it happens anyways. Maybe it runs in the family, and you're probably wondering why you even had a kid with me in the first place"

This time, you sit up in bed, and you prompt him to sit up with you. Taking his head in your hands, you make him look you in the eye. His tear-stained face looks back at you, as fresh tears still slip down his cheeks.

"That's something I won't tolerate", you tell him, with a firm, but gentle tone. You needed him to understand this. "I never thought twice about having a baby with you, and I wouldn't think twice about having another one", you said, taking a few seconds for him to comprehend your words. "Again, this does not define you as a father, and, honestly? This is not the only shitty thing that'll happen. We have Ezra's whole life ahead of us, and we're bound to mess up from time to time. But what matters is that we're trying. And we're doing damn well so far"

He's calmed down by now, as he listens to what you're saying. You've always had the ability to ease his nerves, even in situations like this.

"Ezra is so loved by both of us, this was just a little bump on the road, ok?", you asked and he nodded.

"Thank you", he said, voice low and throat raspy from the force of his cries.

"You don't have to thank me. You know I love you forever, right? And we're doing this together"

"I love you so much", he intertwined his hands with yours and kissed the back of your hand. "Can Ezra sleep with us tonight?", he asks and you nod in agreement.

"Go get him. He'll love to see you"

As Noah left the bedroom to get Ezra, you thought over the events of today.

You knew what happened was far from ideal, but like you told Noah, it does not reflect who he is as a father. Besides, shit is bound to happen, and you're sure you're going to mess up as well sometime in the future. It was all about how you decided to handle it. And you handled it like you and Noah always did. Together.

A few minutes later, Noah comes back with a drowsy, but happy looking Ezra in his arms. And, as they both lay down, with the little on in the middle, Ezra turns to you and whispers.

"Daddy's not feeling so great tonight, mommy. So I'll cuddle him with him instead of you, ok?", he asks, and you get a little amused.

"That's fine, baby", you agree, heart swelling with pride at how considerate and kind your son is.

And that's how you fall asleep. Ezra tucked under Noah's arm that is stretched under his son's head, caressing your hair softly, a silent apology, as you look at him, giving a smile and a little nod, telling him you're accepting it.

Tag List: @alwaysfightforwhoyouare @mysterygirl-srl @lacy1986 @dream-machine-love @theanarchymuse95 @missduffsblog @xmads-omensx @follow-me-down-to-wonderland @chey-h @pipidoll @iloveyoutodeathbutimdrowning @kissestomyomens @hedonist-k1l @xxkatsatwatwafflexx @daemontargaryenwife @h0riz0nsiren @astronoids @flowery-mess @renegadebirch @ashlynnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn @jesuisunchaton @carrieontillmay @bloody-spades @amelia-acero @death-ofpeace-ofmind @saythatuwill

If you haven't been tagged, it's because your blog doesn't mention your age, or it is empty!

[mrs-barnes-rogers-writes]

Angel - Part 8

Marvel AU

Pairing: Alpha Steve Rogers x Enhanced Omega Reader x Alpha Bucky Barnes

Theme: A/B/O / True Mates

Summary: It's different when you're enhanced. Everything is different, every smell, every sound, touch, feelings. The way it's different doesn't make sense unless you are enhanced. Throw in what comes with Alpha and Omega instincts, and the intensity of your presentation is even more than any other. When you find yourself in need of help you can call on the alpha you trust the most, Natasha Romanoff. You just don't expect to find your alphas at the same time. Are you really enough for them? And can you really be the Luna to the Avengers?

"To be loved, to be loved by your mate is everything." - Wanda Maximoff

Reader is enhanced, has wings and has powers connected to electricity.

Series Masterlist

Chapter Summary: Where's the reader? Includes the previous sneak peek.

Chapter Warning: Brief mention of previous attack.

You’re sitting on a roof somewhere in Queens when you feel your phone buzz in your pocket. You knew damn well you’d turned it off.

When you pull it out you see a coded message appear. The fact someone has managed to turn on your secure device and send you a message makes you feel uneasy. You glance around but don’t see anyone.

It takes a moment to establish what the message says but you realise the message is from Stark. He seems to be giving you a location.

You know Natasha’s slipped everyone’s numbers into your phone so you take the chance and send him a message.

You - Is this a mission or a safe house?

Tony - Well hello to you too Luna.

You - Please don’t call me that.

Tony - Why? It’s what you are.

You - I didn’t realise you all knew.

Tony - Well we do. Honestly there was a lot of whispering going on I was concerned there was a plan to overthrow the government but it was actually all because of you.

You - I don’t really know what to say to that.

Tony doesn’t initially reply.

You - So which is it Stark? A safe house or a mission because its a mission I need more than a location.

Tony - I’m not about to send our Luna onto a mission when she’s still recovering. It’s a safe house. One of my own personal ones. It’s fancy, has everything you need, cupboards filled, every streaming service you can imagine. Highly secure too. The others don’t even know about it.

You - You don’t have to do this Tony. I’m grateful but you really don’t have to. I don't want to make things awkward for you.

Tony - As much as you don’t want to admit it kid, you’re the Luna, I’m meant to be the pack Beta, although that’s not working out so well for me right now but that’s another story. I have a responsibility to make sure you’re okay. So please do what Mom and Dad ask and go to the safe house. It has a pool. It’s in the Hamptons.

A pool and the Hamptons did sound nice. Wait did he just call himself Dad?

You - Mom and Dad?

He replies with a photo of him and Pepper pulling sad faces.

You rolled your eyes.

You - Fine but don’t use that incredible woman and her sad face against me again.

You stood and put on your flight glasses and slipped your backpack back on your front. You pulled up your hood and pushed your wings out of your back. You weren’t sure where the new set of workout gear had come from but the set of leggings and matching zip up jacket that had appeared in the guest room drawer, fit you like a glove. Just as you were about to take flight you saw the Spider swinging around in the distance. Spiderling? Spiderboy? Whatever.

You pull out your phone and text Tony again.

You - You might want to check on the spider kid. Bruce told me you’d grounded him from his little street ops but I see him swinging right now.

Tony sends you another photo but this time it’s him looking exasperated.

You pocket your phone and take to the sky.

When Natasha gets home she finds a note with the watch she’d given you beside it.

You shouldn’t have done that without telling me. Thank you for taking care of me. I’ll be in touch.

She had no idea how you knew what her and the others had just done. You’ve said you’ll be in touch so you’ve not cut her off completely at least. Were you just pissed they’d not told you? A knock at the apartment door is followed by Clint and Wanda entering, both holding up similar notes.

Half an hour later Steve has summoned them all to the briefing room. It’s clear from the moment they step off the elevator that he’s pissed. The fact all of them refuse to say where they’ve been or what they’ve been doing makes it worse, as did him spotting Clint’s split knuckles. Steve’s ranting and Bucky’s sure he’s about to give an Alpha command to get them to give answers and not just the riddles they are giving now. He risks it and steps in.

“It’s about her, isn’t it?” Bucky asks.

They hide it well but he’s also an ex-assassin and the former Winter Solider sees the tells that confirm he’s right.

“She told me that it was complicated. That it was someone she used to trust.”

Natasha tilts her head slightly in interest.

“You spoke to her?”

“I did, she was having a tea out on the lawn with Pepper.”

The others turned to look at Tony.

“What? Oh if you’re asking me if he spoke to her, he did. Stepped in when super annoying number one got snippy with them too.” Tony replied.

“You did what?” Clint asked.

“Oh erm, Steve was…” Bucky went to reply before Clint cut him off.

“No not you! Him! You got snippy with them? With Y/N and Pepper?”

Steve took a breath and put his hands on his hips.

“I wanted to know where you were. I knew something was going on.”

It takes everyone by surprise when Clint starts moving to the door.

“You know what Rogers, fuck you. I ain’t telling you shit. I’ve been on your side through this whole thing. I'm away from my family, out of retirement to help cover the work whilst the dust settles. Putting everything I have on the line again, and you can stand there and make demands all you want but knowing you’ve been shitty to my pack sisters, one who also happens to be the Luna, when she’s dealing with enough right now, means I’m done. Come on.” He says to the others. “What we did today was to keep our girl safe. All whilst you were making a shitty first impression. Go fuck yourself.”

Clint leaves the room, with Wanda, Natasha, Vision and Bruce following.

Steve growls and takes a step to go after them. Bucky steps in front of him.

“Don’t.”

Steve huffs and throws himself down into one of the briefing room chairs. Realisation washing over him that he really had fucked up.

A few days later…..

Your mind wandered as you laid out on the lounger. As much as Stark had become a pain in your ass, he had good taste in safe houses. The Hamptons was a step up from hiding in a ditch in Scotland, plus every single one of your favourite foods were in the kitchen, and the cashmere blanket Pepper had apparently picked out especially for you, was definitely a special touch.

But your mind wandered to the last week. What a fucking week.

Get attacked my another agent ✔️

Have other agent threaten to throw you in The Raft ✔️

Run off and be extracted by your pack sister and brothers ✔️

Meet your true mates ✔️

Leave the compound without telling anyone ✔️

Receive a coded message from Stark directing you to his fancy pants safe house ✔️

You decided to distract yourself and the sound of the birds tweeting accompanied you as you read your latest smutty book. One of Laura’s recommendations. As the afternoon sun shone down on you your eyelids felt heavy and you could feel the pull of sleep.

You jumped as it was pulled away from you as your phone rang. Frowning you'd set it so only Tony, Pepper and Storm could call you. To everyone else it was on dark mode. Only one person would have the balls to override it.

“This better be good Romanoff.” You snarked, voice still croaky as you recovered.

“We have a situation.”

Fancy a cuppa? My Ko-Fi.

TAGLIST

@animegirlgeeky @mrsevans90 @vicmc624 @elissanatok

@greatenthusiasttidalwave @hnnhbananananana @otterlycanadian @cherlenovix @imdoingathingmom @saltedcoffeescotch @jstarr86 @sidraaaaaaaaa @capswife @forgetmenotsexy

@hi172826 @ladyzombiielove @blonde-bansheee @verytyrantcat @nancymcl

[jerzwriter]

I'm a little late for Day 1, but I didn't want to miss the opportunity to send some love to some very special people. I'm not around as much as I used to be, so I feel a little disconnected. I'm sorry and trust me, I miss you all very much! 🩷🩷🩷

@aallotarenunelma - As I said in my reply to you, I hate the rough time you went through, but as someone who tries to find silver linings in dark clouds, I'm so glad that brought us together. You've always been such a bright, positive light in this fandom, and I am so happy we got to know each other. I've missed you here, and seeing your name in my notifications yesterday genuinely made me smile. I hope you're doing well, and I hope you'll pop in from time to time! I've missed you!

@alj4890 - My dear fellow Tobias simp! lol, I'm so glad that luscious little fictional man brought us together, but nowadays, he's definitely secondary to you! I enjoy our talks so much, and as much as I love a notification of a new Tobias x Chris fic, I'm even happier to see a message from you. It's so nice to have people who "get" you and I feel that whenever we talk. I'm so glad you're here for your creativity, and your friendship!

@aria-ashryver - My dear, you have always been such a beacon of light and love and an example of how each of us should be, even if it's difficult to live up to. You've endured so much and do so with a grace, dignity, and beauty that leaves me in awe. I think of you all the time, and I hope you know you have this agnostic praying and sending love and healing your way every day. Thank you for being you, thank you for spreading joy, and I hope you know how important you are not only to me, but to so many others. xoxo

@angelasscribbles - My sister from another mister. Girl, you're not even a fandom friend anymore - you're a friend. Period. It's so important to have people in our lives who "get" us, who we can speak to without fear of judgment, and who we can laugh with or be scared with. People who share our values for a better world and keep believing even in the darkest of days. You're that to me, Angela. Like I said, you're not a fandom friend, but since this little hellhole is where we met, you deserve to be acknowledged here. <3

@storyofmychoices - Sweet, sweet Dani. Where to even begin? You are the backbone of this little world of ours, and you give of yourself so selflessly time and time again. You are probably one of the kindest people I have ever met, and you do your best to see the best in everyone, even when it's very difficult to do. You've known darkness yourself, so it pains you to see others there, and you give so much of yourself to help others see the light. During some of my darkest times - in fandom and real life - you've brought me sunshine and joy when I've needed it most. I know both of us have not been around here as much because... life... but I hope you know how much I treasure you and your friendship. You are truly a rare gem in this world, and I'm so glad you're part of mine. Thanks so much for all that you do for the fandom - but mostly, for being you. xoxo

@icecoffee90 - My lovely, lovely Z. Another person who I have to remind myself I met through the fandom because you're not a fandom friend at all; you're a friend. I have always treasured our goofy talks and our intercontinental viewing parties, and now that we've gotten to SEE each other, we've created such beautiful memories. We've had so many laughs and you've brought joy to my life on days when I found it impossible to see the sun, I probably don't say it often enough - but you mean the world to me and my life is so much better because you're in it. Plus, we shared the world's best pumpkin pie ice cream together - that's a bond nothing can break! Love you to bits, sis! xoxo

@cariantha - Sweet Cari! As the fandom continues to dwindle, I'm so grateful for the people who remain, and I mean it when I say that you are at the top of that list. You've always been such a bright spot here, and your light shines through your work and actions. I always smile when I see a notification or DM from you, and I'm so glad you've stuck around. The fandom is better for it, but selfishly, I'm glad you're still here personally because you're one of the people who has always made this place great - even when it was not so great. Thanks so much for everything through the years, Cari! <3

@lilyoffandoms - Sweet, sweet Lily. Where to even begin. I feel bad because I've been removed from this place lately, and one of the people I miss the most is you. I adore you because you are all things kind and good - and a whole lot of don't fuck with me or what matters to me, too. That's the vibe right there! lol I've treasured our chats, I appreciate you as a person, and I love your giving nature. Seriously, you're someone others can look up to and aspire to be, and count me amongst those who hope to. If all that weren't enough YOUR TALENT! Writing, art... you are amazing and thank you for sharing those talents so generously with all of us. You make this place wonderful. You make it worth coming back to, I'm honored to call you friend. <3

@peonierose - My dear you have always been such a bright spot in this world. Just thinking of you conjures up images of bight pink flowers against a sunny sky. I know that's not how life has been for you as of late, but still, you don't let it change who you are at your core - a kind, beautiful soul. Thank you for being here all these years and for bringing so much joy to so many. We are so lucky to have you! <3

@quixoticdreamer16 - My baseball buddy who somehow got me through this wretched World Series! lol I truly value your support, kindness, and having someone who gets the thrill of victory and agony of defeat from spring through October. Thanks so much for being a valuable part of this fandom and so special to me! xo

@coffeeheartaddict2 My dear Tash. Thank you for helping me through the fall of civilization as we know it! lol, You've become such a dear friend, I almost forgot we met through the fandom, but I'm forever grateful to the fandom for bringing us together. It's good to know that whatever life throws at us, we will still have this crazy little corner to retreat to.

@dr-colossal-pita - My dear Ren, I feel so badly because I've been MIA due to many factors recently, and I hope that will change. But I hope you know how much you mean not only to this fandom but to me. Our chats, whether they be about fandom nonsense, shake-our-heads family moments, shake-our-head WORLD moments or lifting each other up with the cutest of little animal memes/videos, mean so much to me, just like you mean so much to me. I'm so grateful you're a part of my life. <3

@secretaryunpaid - Cher! You are just one of a kind. I know we have not had as much time to chat, and I miss that so much. But I'll always treasure our talks - the laughs and the deeper moments alike. You are someone that I know I would get into so much trouble with - and I love that! lol We know kindred spirits when they enter our lives. Thank you so much for your kindness and support, not only to me but also to so many here, and thank you for your friendship always! <3

@annoyingmillenialnewbie - My greek sister! Sister of the traveling spanakopita! lol I know we've both been busy and have not had as much time to chat as in the past, but that does not mean you're any less special to me. I'm so glad this little slice of crazy brought us together and I plan to keep you, even when it's long gone. <3 Miss you φίλε μου. xoxo

@genevievemd - My sweet little sister. I don't have to go into great lengths to tell you what you mean to me here, because we know what our friendship is to each other. Knowing we understand each other and have each other's backs on even the darkest of days means more to me than you will ever know. Just this week alone you helped me more than you can know. I love your creativity and what you've given to this fandom, but most of all I value YOU and I'm so glad you're a big part of my life xoxo

@jamespotterthefirst - Amiga, where to begin? The laughs, the mischief, the thirsting, the wellness checks! lol, I know we both have times when we struggle, but it's amazing even when you're struggling, you still manage to make me smile and make me laugh. When times are dark, you remind me that, somehow, we'll make it through. I'm so glad to count you amongst my friends - fuck fandom friends - FRIENDS, and holy shit, the fear of us being on the same coast together! lol I literally cannot wait. Thanks for being a part of my life, my friend, and I will always cherish this place for bringing us together.

@liaromancewriter Mal it looks like we will be amongst the ones to turn the lights out here one day. lol And I'm so grateful for that! Thank you for remaining our queen of fluff and for sharing your talents with us, and thanks SO MUCH for taking over CFWC this year. I know it's a lot of work, and I would have hated to see it go away, it was so much easier "retiring" knowing it was in good hands. Thanks for the laughs, the chats, and helping hold up the fort! I'm not the only one who considers myself lucky to have you here. <3

@potionsprefect - Alice! Another I'm not leaving until I say I'm leaving member of the OH fandom! lol I'm so glad you're still here and we still get to revel in Ethan/Victoria and of course Luke/Lily. I'm so proud of you for all you've accomplished in real life and still love shaking our heads together! (And there is so much to shake at! lol) Thanks for being part of the fandom & part of my world! <3

OK, these five ladies are not around anymore, but I'm mentioning them nonetheless. Fortunately, I'm still in touch with all of them to one degree or another, and they know how much they mean to me. I can't tell you how much I've missed you being here, but we have your old works to remember you by. I'm so glad this crazy place brought us together. @danijimenezv @lucy-268 @writer-ish @bex-la-get @a-crepusculo

Some people have supported my creations for so long, and I want each of you to know how much I appreciate it! Thanks so much for your ongoing support: @mrs-ramsey @onikalover @differenttyphoonwerewolf @kyra75 @custaroonie

@youlookappropriate @kingliam2019 @delmissesryanandcassi

These people help make the fandom a better place just by being in it. Your kindness, support, and positivity do not go unnoticed, and you create a brighter space for all of us. Thank you! 🩷🩷 I've been lucky enough to talk with some of you privately. We've shared lovely conversations and helped lift each other when needed. I hope you all know how precious you are to me!

@ladylamrian @cadybear420 @petalouda85 @rosesnink @dutifullynuttywitch

@lorircreates @moominofthevalley @petiteboheme @cryomyst @princess-geek

@tessa-liam @missameliep @trappedinfanfiction @takeharryandgo @thosehallowedhalls

@crazy-loca-blog @rafasgirl23415 @tveitertotwrites @thefirstcourtesan @sillydg

To some people I've been lucky enough to get to know in the past year. Whether it's been through our creations, playing reblog games, geeking out over music or our MCs, or just sharing in conversation - I'm so glad we've gotten to know each other! 🩷🩷 @renninflight @choices-ceri @brycesgirl @snoopdogcone

I always worry that I've missed someone, and with my Swiss-cheese brain- it's likely I did here. But, I want to send love and appreciation to anyone who has ever crossed my path here.

Elsa xo

@choicesfandomappreciation

[sailorsplatoon]

It's tiiiiiime!!! I'm finally posting a new fic again!!!

This work was proofread by the amazing matuili and the equally amazing Tar4All! They both helped me immensely, so they get extra special thank you's!

Now, without further ado, I give you, the first chapter of An LED Light at the End of the Tunnel!

You can also read it on ao3!

Next chapter

(Fanfic under cut)

Four sat outside the little hut in Octo Canyon, glued to their phone. It had been exactly one year since Marie left for Splatsville, along with Callie, Cuttlefish, Eight, and Captain 3. February 17. They had it marked in their calendar app. Every day since then, Four texted Marie, and every day, they never received a reply. 

By now, almost everyone had left Inkopolis. Four had been alone for nearly two months. Even the Great Zapfish had gone. The emptiness scared them, how they were the only one there. It left a pit in their stomach. They spent most of their time in Octo Canyon, because at least Octavio was someone to talk to. Granted, he didn’t exactly have a choice, but Four was desperate for some company. 

Octavio faked a cough, seemingly to clear his throat. Either that or dispel Four’s gloomy silence. “She’s still not responding to your texts, huh? You know, if you let me out I have technology that could—”

“For the last time, no. I’m not putting on your brainwashing glasses. And she’ll respond. She’s probably just… caught up in agent work or something,” Four interrupted, trying to mask the shakiness in their voice.

“The first stage of grief is denial.”

“The stages of grief theory has been widely debunked by therapists and psychologists as everyone grieves differently. It is considered outdated and unhelpful by many professionals.” Four rattled off the facts as if they were reading from a textbook.

“Nerd.”

“Shut up.”

Hey, Marie. It’s Four again. Octavio keeps trying to get me to let him out. It’s honestly pretty lonely here.

They sent another text among the several unanswered ones.

“Marie cares about me, she knows how important she is to me. She would never ignore me on purpose,” Four spoke more to themself than to Octavio. “I just hope she’s not still mad at me…”

“You guys got into a pretty big fight before she left, right?” Octavio leaned onto the side of his snow globe that was closest to Four, eyeballing them as he spoke.

“Yeah. But we made up. I thought.” Four didn’t look up from their phone, staring at it for a few seconds in a desperate hope that Marie would reply.

“Have you texted anyone else?” Octavio pried.

Four didn’t answer. They hadn’t. They were too scared to. Maybe, if Marie was actually mad at them, the others were too. They knew that probably wasn’t the case, they knew they were being irrational. But they just couldn’t make their fingers type out a message to anyone else. Their hands were already shaking at the thought.

Octavio saw their silence and sighed. “Look, kid, I’m gonna give it to you straight. I’m worried about you. And trust me, I am the last person to be worried about a squid. But I really think I could help.”

“Whatever. It’s getting late. I’m heading home.” Four grabbed their bag and stood up, heading towards the grate. They stopped in front of it, and stared at their phone again.

 I really need you right now.

They pressed send, then disappeared into the drain.

****

“Keep going, Agent 4, you’ve almost made it to the zapfish!” Marie’s voice came through Four’s headphones, encouraging them to keep pushing through the hordes of octarians. They made it to the zapfish and popped the shield, grabbing the little electric catfish in their arms.

“Nice job, Four! Now you just gotta make it out of the kettle. Since this one is so far underground, you won’t be able to super jump out. Just retrace yo—” There was a glitching noise and then static. Their headphones had cut out. Which meant they had no contact with Marie. And they’d splatted all the octarians in the kettle. They were entirely alone. Four’s chest started to feel tight and their hearts were racing. Their breathing became uneven and shallow, their legs shook.

“Whoa, okay… calm down… breathe…” Four spoke out loud to themself. The little zapfish wiggled around in their arms as if to try and comfort them. 

“Right, I still have you, little guy. Thanks for the reminder.” They patted the zapfish on the head in a gesture of gratitude. “Okay… let’s do this.”

A few minutes later, Four popped out of the kettle.

“Four, you’re back. I think I lost communication with you in there. I was worried something had happen— oh my cod, Four are you okay?” In the middle of Marie’s sentence, she had noticed Agent 4’s current state. They were standing there, shaking. Tears were streaming down their face.

“Yeah… I uh… I just don’t do well with being alone…” Their voice broke and they avoided eye contact.

“Oh, Four. Come here.” Marie pulled them into a hug. “I’m so sorry. I had no idea. I’ll have Sheldon upgrade both your headset and my equipment before you go on anymore missions. I won’t let this happen again. I promise.”

****

“Back then… She promised…” Four thought, sitting on the floor of their apartment, leaning up against their bed frame. Yet again, they were staring at their phone. This time, it was Callie’s private social media page. She reserved it only for members of the New Squidbeak Splatoon.

Life in the Splatlands has been slow regarding professional work, but that’s just the more reason to take it easy! Me, Marie, Eight, and the Captain have been going out exploring Splatsville almost every day, the city just keeps getting better! Gramps will even occasionally tag along. So far nothing concerning regarding the NSS. We found some fuzzy looking ooze stuff in The Crater, but as long as no one touches it we’ll be fine!

Four placed their phone face down on the floor and held their head in their hands. “She wasn’t busy. She was ignoring me. She really is still mad at me, isn’t she? Oh cod, maybe all my texts came off as too desperate. She must hate me now. Why else would they all leave me alone here with no one but…” Octavio’s offer buzzed in the back of Four’s mind. “No, you can’t do that. You’d be letting everyone down.” They squeezed their legs into their chest and rested their head on their knees, mumbling, “But, it’s not like you haven’t already…”

They’d made up their mind.

[mattluvr]

home alone

a matt sturniolo oneshot!

SUMMARY: when matt messages you, letting you know that he’s home alone, you’re at his place quicker than you realise, more than a few surprises awaiting your arrival.

WARNINGS: smut, oral (fem receiving), riding, praise, pet names.

MATTLUVR SPEAKS: this is a friends with benefits type beat (?) and it’s also my first smut so pls be kind <3

⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚ now playing: SLOW DOWN, chase atlantic.

a simple text later and i was stood outside matt's door, the all too familiar heat flooding through my body as i waited for the doorbell chime to play out. chris and nick were out at that very moment, as i’d been repeatedly told in matt's messages, the words home alone being thrown around quite often.

my fingers itched for him, my body craving that feeling of being pushed up against him, and it was taking every ounce of my willpower not to be courteous and to storm into the house. i needed matt sturniolo in every way shape or form, my body on fire as i waited for him to answer the door.

it felt like years later when the door finally inched open ever so slightly, matt's head peeking round the side. i could've moaned at the mere sight of him, but instead kept myself calm and collected, however hard that may have been.

"took you long enough, sturniolo." i taunted, my breathing becoming more and more ragged as the overwhelming crave for his touch encased me.

he could clearly sense this inevitable discomfort, opening the door painfully slowly until his whole body was revealed, another moan trying its very best to slip past my lips. the smug fucker was wearing an all black fit, sweatpants low slung on his hips, tattoos and veins on full display.

he looked me up and down, chuckling softly as he played with the singular ring on his pointer finger. "nice to see you too, darling."

and that was my breaking point; you couldn't really blame me for practically throwing myself onto matt, our lips forced together angrily, the delightful sound of kissing filling my ears. i pushed against matt, body flush against his, making him walk backwards into the house so that i could shut the door behind us with my foot.

his lips and mine worked over one another rhythmically, my tongue grazing his lips, his hands travelling over my body, clearly not able to keep themselves planted on my lower back like they usually were. a moan escaped me, happily greeted by a groan from him, turning me on even more if possible. i could've kept sloppily kissing matt for eternity, but i wasn't complaining all that much when his hips bucked into mine, sending me stumbling backwards against the front door with a surprised grunt.

so now matt sturniolo was pinning me against a door, lips now leaving subtle marks along my neck and down my collarbone, finding all the right places and producing the most satisfying moans. i’d never been more grateful to be wearing my black lingerie.

as matt continued to leave these lovebites across my chest, his hands, originally planted either side of my head when he'd pushed me against the door, were now on my hips, his knees now visibly sinking into the ground, lips no longer attached to me.

oh my god. i was about to be eaten out. i threw my head back against the door, shivering at matt's wandering hands and cold touch, his fingers circling the waistband of my jeans. he lifted my shirt ever so slightly, pressing a soft kiss to my abdomen, getting lower and lower until his lips were in tact with the top of my jeans.

"may i?"

i nearly came on the spot then, a moan in reply all that i could physically muster. so, with another one of those criminally hot low laughs, matt undid the zipper of my jeans, the denim pooling around my ankles, leaving me in only my black thong and a pair of crocs on my lower half, the latter immediately being slipped off.

"oh, wow." matt chuckled again, his eyes bashful as he looked up at me from where he was kneeling on the floor. "all of this for me, sweetheart?"

"please... matt..." i said, voice weak, hands threatening to travel down to my underwear and do it myself if he didn't hurry up. matt swatted me away, asking for consent once again before taking off my panties, eyes wide as he realised how drenched i was.

but he was persistent, not put off in the slightest. instead, both of matt's hands came to rest on my thighs as he held me open enough for him.

"you sure you're okay with this?" one last check, making him even hotter, and i nodded in response. it was all i could apparently do, my speech seemingly robbed from me as matt groaned deeply before lining himself up, my cunt level with his face.

and so matt began... eating me out. he was experienced, tongue gliding over my entrance and clit, both throbbing in pure pleasure as he did so. this ordeal carried on for a few more minutes, my vocabulary reduced to a shaking mess of moans and 'fuck's' as matt's tongue dipped in and out of me.

one of his hands that'd been pressed against my thigh now came to my clit, two fingers rolling against it. it was the best feeling ever, my eyes rolling back into my head at the heavenly combination.

"fuck, matt, right there." i whispered, his groans against my pussy vibrating upwards, ehancing the pleasure. "oh my god, i'm so close."

matt hummed against me, eyes flickering up to admire the damage he'd managed to cause with a singular tongue and hand. "you've got this, baby. come for me."

"i'm... i... fuck!"

"come for me, y/n." matt murmured, and with one final flick of his tongue, i was seeing stars, that familiar feeling snapping, exploding everywhere. i’d never had an orgasm like it, breathing heavily as matt lifted himself back to face me, wiping me off his face with a small smirk.

"fuck, sturniolo. where did you learn that?" i pushed myself off the door, legs still shaking as i closed the gap between me and matt with a soft kiss. matt smiled against me, his hands wrapping around my neck.

he didn't answer my question, instead allowing his smile to morph into an almost devilish grin as he pulled back. "you up for round 2?" i gasped, but nodded enthusiastically all the same.

"fuck yes. but i'm on top this time."

"deal." a minimal word exchange yet again, matt now stumbling backwards as i pushed him down the hall towards his room, our lips connected once more in a second display of pure sloppiness. his hands were up my shirt, cupping my breasts through my bra, and my hands were tugging on the hem of his shirt, asking for silent permission to take it off.

"mhm, y/n. oh my god." i was going to take that as a yes.

with a small giggle, i pulled matt's shirt over his head, discarding it on the floor outside his room. i then allowed my fingers to brush all the grooves in his skin, tracing his tattoos slowly, until they found their way to his jeans waistband, my two pointer fingers threading through the belt loops.

never in a million years did i think i'd be doing it, but here i was, pulling matt sturniolo into his room by the belt loops on his jeans, kissing him senseless. we were both breathing heavily as matt turned his light switch on, and i freed myself from his pants, taking my top off and watching in awe as he slipped his jeans off.

now matt was stripped to his underwear, with me left in only my bra, my thong still lying in a heap by the front door. matt didn't seem to be complaining too much though, his eyes travelling down to that area and back multiple times, a smirk adorning his face.

"you can take the bra off now." matt demanded, to which i complied, running my hand through my hair, satisfied with how matt's smirk wavered in response.

"fuck." he muttered, one hand brushing his jawline, before falling to the waistband of his boxers. "care to help a man out?"

i didn't hesitate, on my knees in seconds, shimmying the boxers down and smiling at the sight of him now also completely naked. he reached back and grabbed a condom from his desk drawer, handing it to me, allowing me to put it on teasingly slowly, praying to hear his own moans slip past his lips as i rolled the rubber on carefully.

he did moan, and he did curse under his breath, making me want to lean forward and just suck his dick... but i’d wait. i’d stand back upright and let myself be led over to the bed, preparing myself to ride matt until he was a moaning mess like i’d been mere minutes ago.

with a watchful eye, i followed matt over to his bed, smiling as he laid down, positioning himself so that i would be able to straddle him. i couldn't help but allow my smirk to double at the sight of matt impatiently bucking his hips up, a silent way of telling me to hurry the fuck up.

which i did, gratefully. matt was running his ring clad hand along his torso after all, making me more wet by the second, the urge to mount him strong. but, i was determined to prolong this teasing as much as possible, deciding to go in for a painfully slowly kiss, trailing my lips down his burning hot skin.

"y/n." matt's raspy voice cut straight through me, his desperate groans growing louder as my lips travelled down his neck, chest, stomach, until they paused, hovering over his dick with a growing smirk.

"please. i need you."

i hummed, the pads of my fingers inching closer and closer to the base of his cock, quite enjoying how matt writhed and squirmed under my touch. i never imagined i’d see matt in such a vulnerable, willing state, groaning as i tenderly stroked and rubbed. i could've kept going for hours, my core aching at the sight of matt's head thrown back against his pillows, feeling slightly disappointed when his own hand came down to wrap around my wrist, pulling me away.

"you tease me one more time and i might come before i'm even inside you." matt whispered warningly, eyes narrowed.

i grinned, starting to readjust my body so that my legs were either side of matt, my body now hovering over his dick instead of my lips, laughing in response to apparent threat. "i'd like that."

matt scoffed in reply, his hands finding their way back to the familiar grooves in my hips, rubbing the skin in slow, dangerous circles, producing a low whimper from me. "you going to ride me now or what?"

"damn." my own hands came to rest on matt's stomach, trying to ignore the way i throbbed for him. my next words were pretty hypocritical, therefore. "so needy, sturniolo."

"only for you, pretty girl."

pretty girl. yeah, i needed matt inside me now, deciding to communicate this by brushing my entrance against his tip, watching with bottom lip clenched between teeth as matt hissed in pleasure.

"what happened to no teasing, baby?" matt snapped, trying his best to not let his subtle groans weaken his threat.

i didn't even think to apologise, just repeated the action a few more times until i was satisfied that matt's moans were no longer subtle. then, softly, after a reassuring nod from the boy, i lowered myself onto matt's dick. slivers of pain overlapped the pleasure as i adjusted myself, the first few bounces slow, testers almost.

but, what with my wetness, my rhythm was easy to find, one hand planted on matt's stomach for support, the other cupping my breast as i threw my head back in sync with my moans. matt's grip was tightening around my hips, guiding me up and down with scattered grunts, his head too thrown back.

"fuck, y/n, yes." he managed to say, mouth open wide as he praised me. "keep doing that, baby."

"i'm... matt, i'm..." i gradually picked up speed, hitting the right spot continuously, my words slurring, incoherent over the loud moans cutting through me.

matt started to shudder beneath me, pushing upwards, tremors rippling through our bodies as we neared a shared release. i cried out, eyes squeezed shut, hands now gripping matt's on my hips. "oh my fuck, matt, i'm close. i'm there, i'm there, i'm..."

one last thrust from the boy, fingers making imprints on my skin as he bucked his hips, and i felt myself coming undone around him, shaking and whimpering as my orgasm hit me full force. matt must've been watching me, turned on by the sight of me releasing, because as i came down from my high, his face twisted into a look of pure ecstasy, finishing inside me with a low grunt.

heavy breathing filled the room as we came to terms with what had just happened, in a state of shock. slowly, i slid off matt, collapsing in a heap beside him. matt cleared his throat, a soft laugh escaping his lips as we locked eyes. "woah. that was, um..."

"crazy?"

"something like that." matt concluded, stretching an arm out, inviting me to nestle into his side, which i did, gratefully. our panting soon died down, a comfortable silence settling over us as matt gave me a one sided hug, tracing patterns into the skin on my arm, kissing the top of my head affectionately every so often. i could stay like this forever, cuddled up against matt, listening to his chest rise and fall against my hair.

but, all good things must come to an end; with a reluctant sigh, i pushed myself off the bed, collecting my clothes from around the room, even going to the extent of putting a pair of matt's boxers and sweatpants on, not particularly wanting to make the long trek to the front door to retrieve my thong and jeans.

"same time next week?" were my last words to matt as i hovered by his doorway, eyes following him around the room as he too got dressed once again. he hummed, looking up with a smirk.

"as long as i get a blowjob. it's only fair."

"yeah, yeah, whatever, sturniolo." i laughed softly, pressing a quick kiss to his lips as he joined me by his door. "just don't be late."

"wouldn't dream of it. especially not when i know your lips are going to be around my dick." with a roll of my eyes, another kiss, and some more gathering of clothes garments, i left matt's house, those last few words lingering in my mind. fuck, i couldn't wait for next week.

── my masterlist

[ch0k3herwithaseaview]

@jegulus-microfic | april 22 evoke | words: 1,6k

big shout out to @frnkmush for helping me with this one, you’re such an angel 🫶🏼

tw: swearing, mentions of wounds

part one

On Monday evening, Regulus received an Instagram message request from someone called jfprongs. He went to check on the person’s profile to see who they were, and—oh god.

At the sight of a radiant smile, bronze skin, and golden glasses, all memories from the night before evoked in him. He suddenly remembered making an absolute fool of himself by asking a doctor who just stitched him up on a date.

While he was drunk.

The first thing he did was send a screenshot of the profile and the message that read just a simple ‘Hi’ to the group chat.

i can fix him (i can’t)

Reg

<2 photos attached>

that’s the doctor from last night

what do i do??????????

Barty

skakksjsksjsjsjsjajsjsj

Evan

x2

Pandora

x3

what is he doing in your dms?

Reg

…

i may or may not have asked him out

There was a short pause before his phone started ringing.

“What the fuck do you mean you asked him out?” Pandora asked, amused. In the background, Regulus could hear Barty and Evan laughing hysterically.

“Well, I was drunk, and he was really hot. We should all be grateful I only did that instead of trying to convince him to fuck me on his desk,” he responded, trying to take off the bandage off of the fresh wound without making it hurt more than necessary.

On the other end of the line, he could hear Panda huffing a small laugh. “Yeah, thank god that whore didn’t come out.”

“Any—oh fuck, it hurts—anyways, what do I do now?” Regulus asked again, finally throwing away the old bandage and starting to clean the cut. He hated using disinfectants on any part of his body, really, but on the face, it felt worse than anything.

His friend hummed thoughtfully. “I think you should text him back and see how it goes,” and so he did.

⋆⁺₊⋆ ☾⋆⁺₊⋆

On Tuesday evening, exactly at 7:36 p.m., Regulus was sitting on a bench in front of his apartment building and waiting for a grey Mercedes to arrive.

After he answered James yesterday, they talked a bit and agreed that Drunk Regulus’ idea about meeting sooner was actually a pretty good one. So he sat there, checking his phone every three seconds, hoping to see a message that would say ‘I’m here’.

He picked it up again when a grey car parked next to him and the passenger’s window rolled down.

“Hi Regulus, come in,” James invited him with a warm smile painted on his lips.

As Regulus took the front seat, the other man reached to the back, pulling a small bouquet of purple carnations.

“What’s that?” Regulus asked, confused. James eyes widened at that.

“Well, I assumed it’s a date, and I thought it would be a nice gesture, but if I overstepped or misread—“

“No, no, no, absolutely! That is a date, and those are lovely, I just—I'm not used to getting flowers.” He could feel his cheeks starting to burn a little when James smiled wildly, like a happy Golden Retriever.

They finally drove away from Regulus' block, heading towards the city center. The radio played some soft, lofi music that, added to the soft humming of the engine, started lulling Regulus to sleep. James must’ve noticed, because he handed his unlocked phone to him.

“Choose the next song; I’ll pick something after you,” the bronze-skinned man told him. Regulus, extremely eager, grabbed the phone and typed in the title he needed to hear right now. Thankfully, the chill music ended shortly after, and an 80s synth-pop melody came on.

“Somebody runnin’ through the field/Somebody shoulda stayed home/Somebody pickin’ up the body of somebody they were gettin’ to know,” Regulus hummed softly to Matty’s lyrics. James whipped his head at a light speed and looked at him with wide eyes. Regulus gave him a questioning look in response.

“First of all,” James began, “is it the one about the school shooting?” Regulus nodded, smirking. “Okay, that’s surprising. Second of all, you have quite a nice voice.” Now Regulus wasn’t smirking, just smiling sheepishly.

After ‘Looking for somebody (to love)’ ended, there was a disco bit, and Reg wanted to whine as soon as he recognised the song. The only thing that stopped him was that sparkle in James’ eyes.

And then the other man started singing.

“OOH, YOU CAN DANCE, YOU CAN JIVE, HAVING THE TIME OF YOUR LIFE!” and Regulus couldn’t help but laugh hysterically. “What? Don’t you like my vocals?” James chuckled, knowing damn well he sounded like a cat in heat.

“Oh no, your vocals are just as lovely as your smile,” the younger man giggled.

They continued to take turns choosing songs, becoming more and more comfortable, and singing louder and louder.

They reached the restaurant as Olivia’s ‘all-american bitch’ was coming to an end.

“Wait here,” said James, getting out of the car and running around it, just to open Regulus’ door. The older man held out his hand in a dramatic gesture.

Reg rolled his eyes, taking the hand and getting out as well.

“Such a gentleman,” he commented sarcastically, yet still, he could feel the warmth spread inside of his chest at this small move.

They walked into the restaurant hand in hand, talking lightly about their favourite type of pasta. James gave the hostess his name, and the woman led them to their table, giving them two menus. Regulus scanned it in search of the cheapest meal, so he could afford it. The restaurant wasn’t really fancy, but it was still expensive.

“15 pounds for Carbonara? Is it made of gold?” He mumbled, but apparently not quietly enough, because James replied, ‘Don’t worry, it’s on me’. This caught Regulus off guard. “What do you mean? I asked you out; I should be the one paying.”

“Yeah, no,” was all James said, and the other man kept looking at him in confusion. “You’re a student; I work full time; it’s only fair if I pay,” he continued, looking up from his menu.

Regulus opened his mouth as if to argue, but quickly shut them back up. “Yeah, okay, you have a point.”

After that, they talked only about what they should order, settling on a lasagna for James, pumpkin ravioli for Reg, and a bottle of rosé.

“So,” the older man started. “What do you study?”

“Oh, um, painting. I’m in art school,” he mumbled in response, taking a sip of his wine. “I’m not gonna lie, I know it won’t get me a lot of money, but I love it. I can’t imagine doing anything else, even if it means I’ll have to eat pesto pasta for the rest of my life.” He couldn’t exactly read James’ face; it looked kind of blank.

“Can I see any of your work?” he asked finally, sounding actually interested. So, of course, Regulus reached for his phone and started scrolling through it in search of the pieces he was most proud of. When James saw the one with the white stag running through a blue forest, he pointed at it and exclaimed, “That. I want that one in my living room,” and Regulus laughed lightly at him. “What? I mean it. How much do you want for it?”

“A thousand pounds!” the younger man kept chuckling.

“Deal.”

“Wait, are you for real?” He looked at the man opposite him in bewilderment, and as the other nodded with a smile, he couldn’t help but smile himself.

It was how the rest of the evening went—they ate, talked, drank wine, and talked some more. They left, again hand in hand, discussing a playlist for the ride home.

They were just a few blocks away from Regulus’ building when he decided to turn the radio down a little.

“Thank you,” he said, turning to James. “I had a really good time.”

“Would you like to do it again sometime?” The other man asked, also turning.

“Yeah, sometime,” he answered softly, pink blooming on his cheeks. He received a small smile back.

When they finally reached his block, Regulus didn’t get out immediately. Instead, he fully turned to face James and looked him deep in the eyes. The older man didn’t break eye contact; he only smiled brightly.

Please, kiss me. Please, kiss me. Please, kiss me.

James reached in his direction, brushing a loose curl from Regulus’ face back behind his ear. Instead of withdrawing his hand, James put it on his cheek, caressing it lightly with his thumb.

They stayed like that for a few seconds (or hours) before James broke the silence.

“Can I walk you to your flat?” and Reg just nodded in response.

They got out of the car the same way they did before. Holding hands, they walked up the stairs to the third floor. As they reached his door, Regulus turned to James again. And once more, James��� hand found its way to Reg’s cheek. The moment was tense, almost tangible. Until-

“Can I kiss you?” The older man whispered, like a secret.

Yesyesyes

Regulus only managed to nod once before he felt soft lips on his. It wasn’t an obscene kiss with a lot of teeth and tongs; it was gentle and sweet, like the first kiss in middle school. It didn’t last long either—far too quick for Reg’s liking. James rewarded him with another sweet kiss, this time on the forehead, before he pulled away with the same bright spark in his eye that appeared during ‘Dancing Queen’.

“Good night, Regulus,” he said softly, taking a small step back.

“Good night, Jamie—I mean James,” the older man chuckled, shaking his head.

“I like it; you can call me Jamie. I’ll see you soon.” And with that promise, he turned around and walked down the stairs, throwing just one last look at Regulus before disappearing on the floor below.

[devilish-cherry]

HI. 👾 HERE AGAIN TO ABSOLUTELY LOSE MY SHIT OVER YOUR WRITING??? (*⁰▿⁰*)

When you said Nanami fluff likers were gonna eat good, you REALLY WEREN'T KIDDING. With just one (1) post, you've fed us for MONTHS.

I am so SO GRATEFUL??? THANK YOU SO MUCH HOLYSHIT. I wasn't expecting you to actually end up writing my dumb lil request, but I'm so happy you did??? AND IM HAPPY YOU HAD FUN WITH IT BECAUSE IT JUST. IT CAME OUT SO GOOD.

You managed to take the fluff from MWMS and make it so??? Domestic??? I can't explain it but the way you wrote about the tenderness between Nanami and the Barista in such a seemingly mundane scenario is so??? I LOST IT. You captured EXACTLY what it feels like to fall in love with all the little things about the person, and it feels so much more genuine bc theres a REALLY COMPELLING CONNECTION BETWEEN NANAMI AND THE READER?? They're both exhausted people who yearn for better and I'm going absolutely insane for the chemistry you've set up and I haven't even TALKED ABOUT THE PART WHERE HE HELPS KNEAD THE DOUGH. OHMYGOD. PLEASE.

You just really get Nanami as a character and it's so REFRESHING to me??? You write him with all of the dry wit he's got in the show but then let us see a softer and more human side to him and I just??? IM EATING IT UP. HAVE I SAID THAT YET??? BECAUSE IM EATING IT UP.

Thank you so much again for taking my request!!! I'm happy you enjoyed writing it and I hope you know that you made something absolutely fantastic, as usual!! I will now be sobbing over this (/pos) for the next few days. This isn't just food-- It's a FEAST. I can't wait to see more of Nanami and the rest of the MWMS gang because you just characterize em so SO well!!! Keep up the good work, but please don't forget to be kind to yourself!! I'm manifesting a nice cool glass of water for ya!

( ´ ▽ ` )

👾 MY BELOVED. MY NUMBER ONE HYPE SQUAD. YOU HAVE ONCE AGAIN LEFT ME ABSOLUTELY SPEECHLESS WITH YOUR UNHINGEDLY BEAUTIFUL PRAISE. LIKE. I AM FLAILING. I AM SPINNING IN A CIRCLE. every time you send a message, i have to pause everything i’m doing just to fully absorb the sheer energy and passion radiating from your words 🙏

first of all, i absolutely had to write your request because the idea was so good. nanami being all serious and patient while teaching the barista how to bake? their exhausted souls bonding over the simple act of kneading dough? the quiet domesticity of it all?? I WAS EATING IT UP WHILE WRITING, SO I AM THRILLED YOU ARE ALSO EATING. and not just eating but a feast?? i have fed you for months?? i feel like a medieval king hosting a grand banquet. this is the highest possible honor.

AND YOU TALKING ABOUT THE CHARACTERIZATION. I AM HOLDING THIS MESSAGE TO MY CHEST. nanami’s whole thing is that he is deeply kind, but he’s also dry, tired, and just so done with everything. balancing that while still showing his softer side is something i really wanted to get right, and hearing you say that i did?? i am FULLY twirling in joy.

thank you for sending such an incredible request and for always being so kind and supportive!!! i seriously appreciate your messages more than i can say. and i am sending you a metaphorical glass of water back. stay hydrated, bestie and continue to lose your shit in my inbox anytime. it is deeply appreciated!! <3

[gbee-writes]

Amours Deception

Chapter One

---

Henchman stood in line with the others, chest heaving as sweat practically poured off of her. The training day had been grueling and long but that was nothing new. Most days were, though they were more rewarding that way. Even so, she was still dying for it to end so that she could hit the showers.

"Well, I'd say that was an acceptable show of skill today," Villain strutted in front of them like an illustrious peacock. His ego was more grating than usual in that moment. "For most of you."

She grit her teeth as he made direct eye contact with her. Henchman would tear his arms off and beat him with them if she could.

His eyes moved away, "You are all dismissed; be here tomorrow at five am sharp for the heist. Anyone lagging behind will be used for next week's target practice."

As her coworkers filed out she felt a hand on her arm. Against her exhaustion, and desire for the showers, she turned around to face Villain. He waited until the door shut before pulling her into him. Henchman wasn't in the mood for his antics but she let him pepper her face with kisses anyway, reluctance clear in her stiff posture.

"Oh come now, don't be like this!"

"I don't want to deal with you tonight Villain."

"Why is my favorite henchie being so cold? Was it the extra laps?" His light tone only further raked against her broiling nerves.

Henchman yanked back as he went in to kiss her lips. "Don't. Don't mock me like this."

Villain stared incredulously at her a moment before shoving her away with a disgusted grunt. She stumbled slightly, not expecting the shift in weight. "Mock you? Since when have I mocked you?"

"Since we started-!" Henchman gestured wildly. "-whatever this is!"

"If you think me showing you affection is mockery that's not my fault. I thought you would like being treated nice after a hard day." His soft brown eyes burned with fury.

"You mean after you insult me in front of my peers? Embarrass me and then make out as you please? Yes, I love the mixed messages that sends. They make me feel very liked and not at all confused!"

Villain's shoulders bunched up, face twitching as his anger threatened to break out violently. "Well if you would apply yourself in training I wouldn't need to embarrass you any more than you embarrass yourself!"

Every ounce of blazing rage extinguished in a moment. Henchman turned and yanked the door open. "I'm taking my shower and going home. Have a nice night."

The door shut on his sputtered response.

Her fellow henchmen were starting to file out as she made her way to the locker rooms. A few of them whispered well wishes, assuming Villain had held her back to chew her out.

How she wanted that to be the truth. It would be better then dealing with a sickening pool of emotions Villain stirred in her gut.

A haze filled her mind as she stripped from her training clothes, grabbing her soap and hair products from her locker before going to the shower farthest from the door. The hot water pulled her out of it just enough to notice one of the newest recruits staring at her.

"What?"

The girl, Marcy was her name, gave her a wavering smile. "I think you did great today. I couldn't take down any of my opponents."

She remembered. The poor girl had been bodied in less than a minute three rounds in a row. She managed five minutes at one point but it was clear she wasn't a very physical kind of person.

And Villain hadn't gotten after her once.

Bile burned Henchman's and she let out a hollow laugh. "Takes practice. You'll be breaking bones soon enough."

"Probably not," Marcy shut off her shower. "I think I'm going to get a transfer. I don't like all the physical stuff. Not good at it either. You are though!"

Henchman sighed a bit. "Not how Villain sees it."

"Well he's stupid not to." Henchman turned to look at Marcy again. Her auburn hair was plastered to her face but when they were training the short locks had constantly swished in front of her eyes. Probably one reason for the lack of skill actually.

Her eyes were an oddly distracting green, earnest and so painfully trusting. Henchman ignored the squirm in her guts as Marcy blinked innocently at her.

She let out another sigh. "Tell you what, I can give you some extra lessons. Maybe wait a few weeks before you decide you're no good for this part of the job?"

"Really? Oh, thank you!" Marcy seemed to forget they were both in a vulnerable sort of state, rushing forwards to give Henchman a hug. She quickly pulled back with blush going up to her ears. "I am so sorry, I wasn't thinking! I'm just-...Maybe I should-...I need to head home. But thank you for the offer!"

Henchman watched her go with a smile tugging the corner of her lips. That girl was going to get eaten alive eventually. Hopefully she could push that off.

Once the showers were blissfully quiet again she turned the water up until it turned her skin red. Better to get a shower this hot at work, considering her crappy water heater at home couldn't handle it.

It didn't take long for Henchman to end up sitting on the bench to give her aching muscles a break. Unfortunately her mind wandered back to Villain.

Their...situation had begun a few months before. He'd pulled her aside and praised her for her work. At first she had been suspicious but he hadn't stopped snatching her away for stolen moments.

His honeyed words didn't last long. After the physical side of their relationship started a month in he was always quick to go in for a kiss but his words, especially in front of others, were harsh. Henchman found herself reprimanded more than the others. Sometimes for slips that hadn't happened!

Rage and confusion and desire sloshed around inside her, only succeeding in making her feel sick. Just when she was sure he only saw her as a bit of fun he would bring back the compliments and she would fell back into it.

Maybe he didn't see her that way but he only noticed that it bothered her when it got to the boiling point. That's what she told herself often.

He wasn't toying with her. She was just expecting too much softness from a man who routinely murdered people. It was her fault.

But it still felt like she wasn't anything more than stress relief. After fights, before big heists, especially when Hero taunted him. A part of her hated that woman for it.

Henchman watched the water flow off of her and head for the drain. Steam started getting thick enough to block off quite a bit of her vision.

So lost in thought she didn't notice the figure moving towards her until it was almost on her.

"Henchman?" The voice was gentle.

An undignified shriek slipped past her lips. She quickly went to trying to cover her bare body, unsuccessfully at that.

"I've seen you naked before." Villain's tone was flat.

"That was with my consent you creep!" Henchman hissed as she threw the bar of soap at his head. He dodged it easily.

Villain was finally close enough she could see the remorseful expression he held. "I just came to apologize. What I said...it was uncalled for. You're not embarrassing."

Her anger tapered down. Villain rarely apologized; there was no reason to keep being hostile to him. She felt more sure about that when he stepped forward, soaking his perfectly quaffed hair and pristine suit, and cupped her face reverently.

"Do you think you can forgive me?"

She leaned into the touch. A part of her wanted to say no but he looked so pathetic sopping wet that Henchman couldn't help laughing a bit. "Yes, I can forgive you."

His smile lit up her insides. Henchman pushed forwards for a kiss, leaning into Villain more as his fingers tangled into the locks on the back of her head.

It was only when she made it home and collapsed to her rickety bed that Henchman felt the overwhelming need to cry. How had she forgiven him for speaking down to her like that again?

---

Hero rolled her eyes as Superhero wrote down a few notes of her report.

"And you're sure none of them suspect you? This offer for lessons could be a trap."

"Superhero. You trusted me with this mission; trust me that I haven't blown my cover in the first week of it."

His nostrils flared. "I do trust you, but we can't underestimate them."

"Oh please," Hero snickered as she remembered Henchman's face stepping into the showers. "That woman didn't notice anything outside of her miserable self. I think her and Villain are having some relationship issues."

Superhero laughed with her. "Of course she is, she's trying to get close with Villain. That's just asking to be used. Not that it will matter much soon, when we manage to get them all in cells."

"Actually, I think we could put Henchman in the rehabilitation program. She'd be a decent asset to the agency." Hero said with a thoughtful nod.

Her superior snorted another laugh. "I'll note it, but that I doubt. Go ahead and head home."

"Yes sir."

Hero was grateful when her front door came into view. She hadn't accounted for how tiring it would be to fake incompetence in a professional setting.

She wiped all thoughts of work from her mind as she stepped through the door into her living room. The babysitter she'd hired jumped to his feet.

"Mrs. Duller, you're a little late. Everything okay?"

"Yes, just got swamped at work. How's Daughter?"

"Sleeping like a bear in winter." He said with a bright smile. Hero returned it as she paid him and bid him goodnight.

Just as promised her little darling was curled under her covers, snoring just a little. Hero placed a kiss to her forehead. It took quite a lot not to laugh as Daughter scrunched her face at the contact.

"Sleep tight sweetie." Hero whispered before making her way to her own room.

She had to get a lot of sleep before the heist the next day. Especially because she had to try to thwart it without becoming suspicious. Something told her Henchman might not be so easy to fool when it came to actual jobs.

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[uwaknaputi]

All throughout my childhood, I thought my biological father was my Japanese stepfather.

All throughout my childhood, I thought my biological father was my Japanese stepfather. As I was growing older, people around me would always tell me I don't look anything like a half-Japanese. That's when I started noticing my features, and I thought they were right. It honestly didn't bother me whenever people told me that. I thought maybe it’s because I look a lot like my mom, and that's also what I would always tell them. Everything was going well until that time I came home from school and I saw my mom crying painfully. I was 12 years old, I didn't know what was happening. Then, I overheard her talking to someone. The father that I knew suddenly just disappeared, he ghosted her. No calls, no texts, no anything at all. Just so you know, they were in a long distance relationship. They still get to see each other every once in a while but it would always be my mom who would go there. So I basically grew up with a father who was not around. To be fair, he was really nice to me. He gave me a comfortable life. Mom even said that he treated me like his own. She tried reaching out to him but I guess he just didn't wanna do anything with my mom anymore. She was crying day and night almost every day for the whole year. It was the most painful thing to see.

Then it was just me, my half-brother, and my mom. My cousin was also living with us that time. My mom started working to provide for us but it was not enough. We were having problems financially. My brother stopped going to school but she managed to let me and my cousin continue our education. It was so bad that we had to eat rice with cooking oil and salt just to have something to eat. We even had egg as our ulam for the whole week. We had sinigang egg, adobong egg, etc. Lol. Sometimes, my mom's friends would send us food and we were really grateful for it. But these weren't even the hardest part. Mind you, my half-brother had severe asthma so his maintenance was really expensive. My mom always cried because she didn't know what to do anymore. Seeing her cry and my brother struggling because of his asthma broke my heart into pieces. For more than a year, we had a hard time trying to survive. Dude it was really so bad that up to this day I still cry whenever I remember those times.

I was 13 or 14 years old when I found out that my stepfather wasn't my biological father. My mom talked to me about it and I was really confused. There was a lot going on through my head, "Why was it so easy for him to leave?" "Does he not love us?" "Was I a bad kid?" I felt like I wasn't enough when my stepfather left. Then my mom would suddenly just tell me that he's not my real father. Like I was still brokenhearted about it so I thought to myself "Why do these people always leave? Do they not want me? Is there something wrong with me? Did I ever do anything wrong for you to leave? They could have told me nicely because I could have changed" Like dude everything was just so fucked up. There were so many questions but I couldn't even let them out. I didn't know what to feel anymore.

I finally had the courage to ask my mom why my biological father left. She told me he didn't leave, she was the one who decided to hide me from him because she didn't want any trouble. She found out that my dad was married and his family was verbally attacking her when she was still pregnant with me. But he was still able to find me through my mom's siblings when I was 2 years old. So she gave him another chance. He was divorced this time. He's a US citizen that's why divorce was possible. But they eventually broke up and she totally cut connections with him. My dad was a womanizer. Now, this is where the exciting part is. He was able to find my mom AGAIN through facebook. He messaged her asking for me. He said he wanted to meet me. He then asked for my mom's details so he could send us money and my mom finally gave in. Part of me still thinks that it was because my mom was having a really hard time providing for us. He booked a flight and went to our house to see me. I was at school, and my mom messaged me telling me to come home early. She even wanted me to cut classes but I didn't because I had a feeling that my father was waiting for me. I was really nervous. So, I went home after school, and as I was entering our house, I saw him, he came to me and he hugged me so tight then tears started falling. I didn't even know this man but we were both crying. I was really confused but I still hugged him back. I felt at ease.

Things were going really well from then on. But they never got back together. They both had their new lives which I totally understand. There were still so many "what ifs" and "sana" during that time. One of them was, "I wish I grew up with him by my side." I got to meet my half-sisters and my stepmother (dad's second wife). There were times that I got jealous of my siblings for being so close to my father. Like how I wish I was that comfortable with my dad. But I'm still grateful that I got to meet and tell him I love him before he passed away. I just wish that I was able to hug him one last time.

My stepmother and I had a good relationship. She was kind-hearted and she treated me very nicely. Even up until my father died, she managed to make his dreams come true. She didn't stop supporting my studies until I graduated, and she was able to bring us siblings together. We are 7 siblings from 4 different mothers. Lol. Anyway, I was really grateful for having her. She deserves to be happy after everything she's been through. She was pregnant when my dad was sick, she was taking care of him. My dad died without even seeing my youngest sibling and it made me realize that I'm still lucky for being able to meet my dad.

Now that I'm an adult, I start to understand why my mom made those decisions. Just like any other mother, she was only doing what she thought was best for me. It would be a lie if I told you that I never hated my parents for what they did, but I would have hated them more if they stayed together just for me. What's more important to me is their happiness, I don't wanna live in a toxic household. I realized that they may have done bad things but that does not make them a bad parent or a bad person. I love them both. Everyone is trying their best and that includes me as well.

This picture serves as a reminder that my parents still tried to work things out between them because of their love for me. This is also the first time in my 20+ years of existence that I've seen a picture of my family in one frame (my mom told me she threw them all away) and it made me really emotional when I found this.

[vilsoo]

Hi i just wanted to say that i’m in love with your writing and the way you bring characters to life??? Amazing. Scrumptious. Delicious, even. And MIND YOUUU i dont even watch jjk!!! And I don’t think i ever will watch jjk? 😭 but i love nanami and i think he’s universally loved ngl. I’ve read almost every fic of urs in horrorland and then dived into ur masterlist and envy isn’t even the word i’d describe to convey my feelings towards ur writing. Like lowkey u inspired me to write again and i’ve been pumping out random ass self indulgent stories for me to read over and over again and then i’ll be like “this sucks time to read vilsoo” and ya 😭😭😭 one day i’ll be confident in my own writing to post but anyways i’ve been holding myself LONGGGG enough to send u an anon so ya hello i’ve been reading ur fics for maybe a year now? Should be 😅😅 u can call me 🐙 :3

AAAAAA omg ?? im so ?,???? honored ??!?? 🥹🫶🏽 thank you so much bby, i havent been on tumblr for awhile and its so nice to come back and see this heartwarming message from you !! im so grateful for u and i appreciate ur support 💞 idk if you’ll get the chance to ever watch jjk but for the sake of suffering from character deaths, DO NOT WATCH LMAOAOAO jkjk i dont recommend that fuckass anime if you get attached to characters. but anywayssysy i love u sm anon bby, ppl like you are the reason why i still write on here and it motivates me so much. i hope you have a good day/night 💗

[olderjodijournals]

Saturday, November 1, 2008

Woke up at 3:30 to pee. The annoyance up the hill was doing his engine-gunning thing and I thought I wouldn’t be able to get back to sleep, but I did. Ever since I got up at 6:00 it’s been raining. To see that it was 81º in here put a smile on my face. I’m definitely NOT in Oregon anymore!

Sunday, November 2, 2008

I’m so mean, I know, but I just couldn’t help myself. I just had to play with them bigot’s heads at their bullshit “protect marriage” site. In the feedback section, I left a few highly explicit and graphic paragraphs of a highly intimate nature. And I assure you the people getting it on were anything but straight! HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA!!!!!!!!

Just how do you protect something that was never hurt in the first place anyway??? And I wish people would stop calling the bible God’s word! God didn’t write the bible, people did.

Still raining cats and dogs here and it’s going to be doing that till Tuesday. No need to worry about wildfires now!

Tom and I are having a relaxing weekend. If only my teeth didn’t hurt!

Monday, November 3, 2008

Jessie said she didn’t think she’d be able to go to that spa because they not only wanted $150, but they want money for treatments that runs between $175 - $3K. What a fucking liar that Lisa is! She said it’d be “no cost” to whoever I recommended. I’m sick of all these scam sweeps the shitty economy has brought about. Usually, they just don’t deliver the prizes, but in this case, it’s not even a “prize.” It’s just an opportunity to buy something very expensive. No wonder my mother hung up on her right away. She was smart enough to know better. So yeah, their not writing isn’t anything personal. It’s like what Tom said; they’re just respecting my wishes about not wanting anything to do with them. Not communicating is what we’ve been used to for the last decade anyway. Besides, no normal mother dumps their kid for something they may say that they disagree with anyway, or else I’d have been dumped before I could get out of diapers. I’m sorry if I judged them too harshly and I’m sorry I was hard on myself at times. I didn’t say anything wrong in my letters. I know it and they know it. But this doesn’t change the fact that I have seriously mixed emotions where they’re concerned. I’m still very grateful that they saved us, but they’re still people I don’t like and that has caused me a lot of pain and misery for many years.

I can’t wait for this fucking election to end! I’m so sick of seeing all the messages of hate all over the web. Everywhere I turn it’s nothing but Obama, Palin and gay marriage bashers galore!

Got the game points that Kiwi owed me. Of course this was right after I put in for a glitter cube mind teaser, not knowing if I’d ever get any more points, but it’d still be nice to have. I just hope they send it because they haven’t sent the CD yet and I never got that sticker sheet either.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Right now I am extremely sad, mad, disgusted and ashamed of the bigots of California and the God above that continues to allow gays to get shit on by them. The bigots only won by a few percent, but a win is a win, and so once again it’s back to legal discrimination against gays. I had become so proud of this state, too.

Let me vent about some other issues first.

Jesse’s been driving me absolutely crazy with the engine gunning. I mean CRAZY! Especially today. He was grading the drive and whatever else he could think of for nearly 4 fucking hours and I was forced to be up much later than I’d have liked because the thing was unbelievably loud. He’s become much worse than the dogs. It used to be once a week or so he’d get on my nerves with the engine-gunning, but now it’s every 2-3 days. Sometimes I wonder if we got that good a deal after all. If we’re going to have to listen to people’s shit everywhere we go, we could’ve done it in a more modern place in the convenience of the city. On the other hand, we’d have had to pay utilities and it’s still quiet here more than he’s noisy.

But enough is enough already with all the loud engines! When is it going to stop? And when is this cock going to return to work? He can’t be out of work because of his finger or else he wouldn’t be able to do all the shit he does here. He’s out of work because he’s a rich, spoiled, pampered little boy who can afford to stay home and annoy us. Especially me. Remember, I’m the one who can’t sleep through noise, and I’m the one who works from here.

Tom said he saw the grader parked by the fork and that it’s an old, ancient thing. Great, that means he’s not done yet and that he’ll be at it again around the time I want to go to sleep. I’m tired enough cuz of this asshole! I was up nearly 20 hours and only slept for just over 6 hours. Maybe I ought to call up there at 3:00 in the morning and screw with his sleep for a change.

The MedSpa people have changed their story and are now telling me I wasn’t one of the 3K winners and that I only won a $150 certificate. They’re still scamming assholes. That’s not a prize, that’s a DISCOUNT.

As expected, Barack Obama is now president and I have mixed emotions about that, too. McBigot would’ve been worse, who almost won to my surprise, but I don’t think Obama should’ve been elected simply because he’s black. Yet people have been favoring blacks since the L.A. riots in ’92, and it’s obviously not going to end anytime soon.

The only good thing I’ve seen in all the elections is that women didn’t lose their rights in a couple of states that were trying to ban abortion, and they legalized doctor-assisted suicide in WA. It’s also legal in Oregon. That’s the way it should be everywhere. We put animals to sleep that are suffering, so why not people? Then again, animals do get more rights than some humans, don’t they?

Anyway, gays really got fucked over big time. They reset the constitutional amendments in Florida and Arizona defining marriage as between straights only, and now AR is discriminating against singles from adopting or being foster parents (even though half the kids born these days are to single women what with the way so many guys run when they learn their woman’s pregnant) and admitted it was actually gays they were targeting. So they shit on their own kind to shit on gays.

These bigot’s logic is totally twisted as far as why they think gays shouldn’t marry. They say it will encourage others to be gay, which is pure bullshit. You can’t encourage gayness any more than you can straightness. We are who we are. Period. The day we can choose who we’re attracted to is the day we can choose what flavors and colors we like.

Then they bring up the issue of gays not being able to produce kids, which is also BS or else they wouldn’t adopt or have artificial insemination. The population isn’t rising because more people are having kids, but because people are living longer. If anything fewer women are said to be having kids because of the emphasis on work, the economy, whatever. So if fewer straights are getting married and fewer of them that do are having children, and more children are being born to single mothers, then why aren’t these idiots running to ban straight marriage? After all, it isn’t producing nearly as many children as it was 50 years ago and this seems to be such an issue for them. These assholes are so stuck in a time warp and not only seem to hate gays, but singles, single mothers, and people who are married without kids! If all marriages supposedly produce kids, then I’m amazed they don’t try to keep people like Tom and I who don’t want any from marrying, as well as old people and infertile people. Oh, and of course they’re so sure that gays will raise gays. Like straights only raise straights, right? I can’t believe some people are as dumb as donkeys!

They claim they’re not trying to change what gays do and that they just don’t want them to marry, but that IS trying to change what they do. I agree that it’s ok to hate someone. You can think it, you can say it, you can write it. But you shouldn’t have the right to make their own personal decisions for them! And they shouldn’t be jerked around where sometimes they have rights, sometimes they don’t. Why won’t they either just give them their rights and leave them alone, or forever deny them? Why keep cruelly teasing them and going back and forth?

There have been times I’ve actually thought of killing myself even when things weren’t going all that bad in my own life simply because I’m so sick of living in such a sick, unfair, crazy and twisted world. The whole thing just makes me want to throw up!

Maybe gays should incite a riot. Hey, it worked for the blacks. Ever since ’92, the laws have been favoring them like crazy and they’ve got more rights than whites ever had. A white person can be charged with a hate crime against a black person, but since when have you ever heard of a black person being charged with a hate crime against a white person? You haven’t because reverse discrimination is perfectly legal!

And so all that money was spent on legally discriminating against gays that could’ve gone to the hungry and the homeless. I’m still not sure what money has to do with influencing people’s opinions anyway. I’d still feel the same whether I was rich or poor. Still, if that many people hated me I’d just want to give up and crawl into a closet and just hide away from the world forever. I’ll bet a lot of gays probably feel hopeless right now, too.

Tom said not to let this fool me into thinking that most people hate gays. He insists that most people don’t vote and that most of the people voting are the ones who hate gays. It’s also been said that older people tend to hate them more and that as they die off the world will be a better place for gays, but I have to see it to believe it. For now, it looks like things are getting worse. Tom says it’s only a matter of time before it’s back on the ballot and passes, but what’s the point? It’ll only get shot down again a few months later. What’s the point of getting ahead if you’re going to just be torn down? I also heard that males tended to be more against gays, but they’re more against everything from kids to women’s rights and everything in between so this doesn’t surprise me. I almost wish that only women could be gay because then they might’ve won. Gay women are still more accepted than gay guys.

I agree, though, that while the younger folks may be more loud, rude and obnoxious, they sure are less hateful. And yes, in another 20 years, a lot of bigots should be dead. I know I was thrilled to see the pope go after the way he’d openly flaunt his hatred towards gays.

As Tom and I agree, if most people believe in something, it’s usually for a reason. So I started to wonder what if all these people are right? Could all these people who hate gays so much (and I still think 70 to 80-something percent do, unlike Tom who thinks most people don’t care) be right about God seeing us as evil sinners and sending our souls to burn in hell forever? Tom doesn’t believe in heaven or hell, saying he doesn’t see how any place could be either all bad or all good. I don’t know that I believe in heaven or hell either. I don’t know what to believe. I do know that I’d still rather be who I am and take my chances than be someone I’m not and find it was all for nothing. And while we can never know for sure what, if anything, happens to us after we die, I don’t see why God would create a group of people He hated, as much as the way He allows them to be treated suggests He hates them at least somewhat. I think the fucking bible is what started all this shit. A group of hateful people got together, bashed gays in it, called it God’s word, then managed to brainwash an awful lot of people throughout the decades, and the hate spread like cancer. This is why I know I could never be religious in any way. Too many rules and restrictions that simply make absolutely no sense to me. Seriously, I’m sick of this “the bible says” bullshit. If the bible suddenly said that people must torture and kill their loved ones, would they do it? Probably so! People sicken me. They really do.

Speaking of God, I’m not going to cuss Him out and risk Him retaliating by making our lives as miserable as He helped make it last year, but I’m through praying. No one who can allow for such mean and unfair treatment of gays (and others for that matter) is any friend of mine. When He’s ready to give them a break, then we’ll see. For now, though, if He doesn’t care about groups of people, why would He care about little ole me? It isn’t just my own misfortunes and gay people’s misfortunes that I get fed up with, but what about the children who are still molested and murdered? What about the women who are still beaten and raped? What about arranged marriages and the legal murder of women in the Middle East? Our military now not only legally discriminates against gays, but it now legally tortures people in Cuba! As Tom said, he’s all for executing them, but torture opens the door to all kinds of horrendous possibilities.

Of course, so does the bigot’s victory over gays. This is going to go to their heads. Once they see they can do this in California where there are tons of people, they’re going to go after gays in Massachusetts and Connecticut. Maybe even Jews. Or maybe they’ll just target short people or redheads, anyone they can get away with picking on.

The ban won almost all of SoCal. I was surprised. With all the people down there I’d have thought it’d fail almost as badly as the coast. Again, 10-year-old “singer girl” didn’t dream of this when she’d go California dreamin’! First this state tried to kill us while it drove me batty for 8 months, now this. Tom just said it was cuz there are so many Mexicans down there and they hate gays. Figures, huh? Yet THEY expect to be accepted and treated fairly.

It just enrages me to hear the blacks gloat about yet another historic victory, but what about gays? When are they going to get theirs? I wish to hell someone would assassinate him!

Thursday, November 6, 2008

11 pounds down, 26 more to go!!! That helps make up for some of the sadness, disgust and rage I’ve been feeling. Really, I’ve never hated Mormons & Catholics as much as I do now (no offense to any good ones out there who may be able to live their lives without having to control others who are different than them)! Even though I wouldn’t want to be with anyone other than Tom no matter how much I may flirt or fantasize along the way, I’m still one of “them.” And even if I’d been strictly dickly all my life, I’d still feel the same emotions I feel right now.

Anyway, I knew I was getting ready to hit 136 pounds. I can tell when my body’s getting ready to drop another pound when my end-of-the-day weight doesn’t go up as high as usual. I woke up yesterday just a 10th away from nailing it.

So I’m still upset and appalled by the way gays have been shit on and dehumanized all over the country. What happened in California is definitely the worst thing that happened, but what happened in Arkansas is almost worse than Arizona and Florida. It’s scary when people will spite themselves in order to spite others cuz those can be more dangerous. Half the moms these days are single yet in banning singles from adopting/fostering, they’ve spited their own as well as gays, plus any children involved who just might’ve gone to a loving gay and or single home, versus an abusive all-mighty straight married couple. Don’t be fooled. Just because I’m too selfish to give up my life to kids, not that we could afford to, doesn’t mean I hate them and want to see them suffer!

I had been looking so forward to this election ending because I was getting so damn sick of hearing about it and the people involved, but I STILL see Obama and Palin’s faces everywhere I go on the web!

Yet another victory for blacks and another slap in the face for gays. Sick. Just sick. Blacks continuing to get ahead is fine. It’s fine for anyone to get ahead. But gays getting set back half a decade is not. For a country that has such a bleeding heart for its troublemaking blacks and Hispanics, it sure loves to discriminate against its gays any way it can. I still feel like it will be 20 years at the very least before there are any real obvious signs of progress for them. As it is it took them 25-30 years to go from it being illegal for simply being who they are to being able to marry in just two states. And like I said before, it wouldn’t surprise me if they lose that, too.

To help make up for the sad world we live in a little more, I won a Country Music prize pack valued at $150. It consists of 8 CDs, a book about June Carter Cash autographed by John Carter Cash, a pocket watch, and gourmet coffee.

I also won a PC game Tom’s looking forward to trying out. We’ll sell most of this stuff eventually. I just hope it’ll be by choice and not because our survival depends on it!

Jessie said she doubts she’ll be able to come up and see us in January because she’ll be working 12-14 hours a day.

The annoying Jesse was quiet two days ago and stayed that way till 3:30 yesterday afternoon when his youngest son came down a few times on the ATV to get stuff from his shit pile I wish he’d take up the hill with him. They were cutting trees towards the front section of the land. So again I had to wait to go to sleep, fumigating over there always being something, and wishing the landlord didn’t live here.

Then the renter’s dogs went up and started shit with Jesse’s dogs who chased them off. Then they came down here and Jesse came down when he heard me screaming at them. He recommended we get a gun or a BB gun. Gee, I never would’ve thought of that! He showed me the slingshot he has, saying they’re cheap and you can get them at the Roseville auction. He showed me how to fling a rock with it.

He said he’s looking for work, trying to get in on some new casino and that after next week he won’t be bulldozing, cutting, etc. I have to see it to believe it! I had no idea there’d be so much damn activity on this land! He won’t start till around 11:00, though.

I told him we were getting to the dump on our own, and he said he was going and could take some trash. I told him we’d keep the recyclables for now and he just took the old suitcase that has been on some journeys I definitely don’t care to remember.

I mentioned the flooring GC I won and sure enough, the project junkie said he might be interested if he could see a picture of it. He doesn’t have a PC, so he told me to call Maryann and get her email, which I did. I’ll be sending her a link she says she’ll look at over the weekend.

Saturday, November 8, 2008

So Jesse came down yesterday morning after 11:00 to tell Tom that he’s going to bring trees that he’s cut down up to his place to be cut up, then drag the drive with the bulldozer.

Now why did he have to come down today to tell us what he told me yesterday? Does he not think I can tell Tom what he tells me?

Just when I thought something came up, since it was fairly quiet most of the afternoon, the damn kid comes down at around 3:00 on the ATV. He was down twice and I don’t know if he was just looking for something in the shit pile or what because he was in and out awfully fast. Please don’t tell me the thing’s going to come down just for the fun of it!

I’m so glad it’s getting darker earlier, but a part of me wishes it would rain 24/7 just because I’m sick of all the shit he does around here, and I’m sick of him coming down here, even if it’s gotten to be less often. He’s never going to leave us alone for more than a month!

It used to be that if he didn’t bother us by around 1:00, I could pretty much count on him not coming down for the rest of the day. But now his kid is coming down later in the afternoon, and so now I have to consider the possibility of being woken up or having my peace disrupted then, too. Next thing I know he’s going to start bugging us after dark!

I still don’t get the impression he wants to work elsewhere. I think he’s rich be it by inheritance or whatever, and he knows he doesn’t really need to work. It kind of burns me up to know that Tom’s slaving his ass off to give him money he doesn’t need while we struggle to save so I can finally get to a dentist! Finger injury or not, he hasn’t worked since we came here last April. That’s not a sign of a person who needs/wants to work.

I sometimes still think it might be a good idea to keep my eyes peeled as to what else may be out there. I just don’t think we could find anything this quiet, and I definitely don’t think we could find anything this cheap. Not in this state! And even if we could, how would we know the people would be honest with us up front about “the neighbor?” Then again, had Maryann told us who “the neighbor” really was when we first came to check the place out, it’s not like she’d have added that he sometimes gets noisy, can be quite a pest and that no matter how much I ask that he call before rudely coming down, he’s just going to ignore me.

But is he ignoring me, or is he just too damn stupid to get it? I mean, what can he possibly not get about the words, “Please call first when it comes to non-emergencies.”

Either way, he’s not getting the gift card. As I told Maryann in the email I sent, I later discovered that our name and address were on the card. Therefore, it is not transferable. I apologized for getting anyone’s hopes up, and let her know I had books, CDs and DVDs that I’d be willing to sell, but not to worry if she wasn’t interested as we’ll eventually take them to swap meets.

Hey, at least I had shorts on, the windows open, the fan going, and it’s November!

Tom believes that the things that happen to people are simply random events and that God doesn’t control our individual lives. He said if everyone’s life were the same, then he’d believe there was a plan, but because there’s so much diversity in life, he doesn’t think there is any plan.

I asked him why he thought some of the things I’ve prayed for were granted, like that time I was praying for the pawnshop to buy the diamond when we had to play poor-assed bums on the street if he didn’t think God controlled things within our lives. He explained that he didn’t think our prayers literally went to God but to various forces. He could have a point there, but as for destiny, I’m not sure what I believe anymore. It’s hard to believe certain things are just happenstance. It seems we’re all blessed and cursed in certain areas of our lives and sometimes it’s hard not to believe it isn’t supposed to be that way for whatever reason.

Later…

It’s after 10:00 now, so anything goes as far as Jesse goes for the next 7 hours. I appreciate his waiting till Tom’s up, but I don’t think he realizes just how annoying he can be even when we are up with the racket he makes, and especially with coming down here.

Meanwhile, I have a case of writer’s block. I know where I’m going with the rest of the story I’m working on, but can’t seem to figure out the best way to tie up loose ends. Oh well, I guess I’ll figure it out soon enough. Writing books never gets easier. We may get better at it, but it doesn’t get easier.

Later…

OMG, Andy left two messages! His number didn’t show up at all, though, because he apparently forwarded it to our machine. I guess he didn’t want to talk to me directly. He started off by saying he didn’t mean to sound like Chin Fatt Kong’s little sister which made me grin. The messages were basically about the tape I made of his voicemail messages. I don’t know if the tape got damaged or what, but he thinks I have a full 90-minute tape of these messages, yet as I told him in the letter I’m sending Marla, I sent all I had of his messages. He insists that there are blank spots throughout the whole tape and that there are only 10 minutes on each side. I also told him that all I do have are old pranks and edits which we burned onto CDs years ago.

He also seems to think I was mad at him and set out to deliberately punish him. I can see where he would certainly feel that way, but as I tried to explain to him, I wasn’t mad or trying to hurt him in any way when we moved and I basically “wiped the past clean” by walking away from everyone I knew.

He said receiving the tape is the only chance I have of him forgiving me for hurting him, but since I can’t send him a tape I don’t have, I don’t expect to hear from him again or for him to visit the links I enclosed. I gave him the links to my online journal at MD and Webshots.

Lastly, I told him that while nothing could undo me dumping him or hurting him, I am very sorry for being an asshole. What he does from here on out is up to him. I told him I’d love to know what’s been up with him (and this next part is quoting from my letter), but the phone’s not a good way to go about that. It’s not only the most costly, but we live in a trailer in the woods on an 8-acre parcel of land that’s surrounded by huge mountains and trees and flowers and chirping birds and basket weavers that sit and smile and twiddle their thumbs and toes. That means the metal trim around the trailer interferes with the cell phone’s signal. We do have a landline, but it’s usually full of static. So we don’t use the phones unless we have to. I hope you can write or send an email.

So Tom, who usually goes to the mail place and the store right by it on Saturdays, just took the letter to be mailed to both Mary and Marla, since he didn’t give his own address.

He sounds EXACTLY the same, as both Tom and I agree. As Tom pointed out, it’s kind of sad that he still wants to sit and listen to these tapes after all these years. Mostly because of Quinn of all people, who abused him and then killed himself.

And “tapes?” Sounds like my suspicions about his life being the same year after year like Paula’s might be correct. He probably doesn’t own a computer, an MP3 player, and maybe not even a CD player. He’s probably still broke, waiting tables, and just as loveless as always, getting only sex once in a blue moon. He’s definitely still smoking pot. He sounded high on the phone.

Jasmine and Amy said people shouldn’t forgive others for what they can give them, but out of pure emotion. She has a point there, too. I already gave him what I had of his and so now the rest is up to him. I’m not going to work at convincing him, that’s for sure.

Got a letter from Mary. She still hasn’t heard anything about the case. Gee, what a surprise, huh?

Monday, November 10, 2008

It’s happening all over again, and once again this could be the beginning of the end for us. Just the other day I was telling Tom how it still seemed like he was forever trapped at Comtek without one of us winning big. He couldn’t get fired back when our lives were on the line last year and he’d be late due to lack of gas money, he couldn’t quit because no one else was hiring, and he couldn’t even get laid-off, which he said a part of him wished would happen since there’s a company right here in town that makes LCD lights for slot machines that are hiring that the same temp company is involved with. But you can’t have a temp company transfer you, so unless they laid him off, we knew he was pretty much stuck there until more people started hiring.

Well, they did lay him off. So we’re either on the path to something better for us or on the path to death if the money runs out before we can build ourselves back up since we both agreed we’re not going to live on the streets. I simply can’t. I’m just not cut out for that.

He’s got an application in for the Auburn job which pays a dollar more at $11, and while I know they could call him about it today and things could turn out amazingly well for us, things aren’t usually that easy for us. Or that quick. Things slowly get worse before they slowly get better. The problem is that while we have enough money for food and gas, we’ve only got half the rent money so far, so if things go too slow, we’re TOTALLY fucked. Unemployment would help us for no more than about a month. So here we are again, quite possibly back on death row, and all we can do is hope for a reprieve but try to focus on the good there would be in escaping this crazy world if we can’t go on and it’s either kill ourselves or be on the streets. I was the one who just said the other day how I sometimes thought of killing myself because of how twisted this world is. I was the one who said I didn’t want to grow old and arthritic, with no one to help us or care for us in any way.

Like any human being, I’d rather be able to live and be successful, but what’s meant to be is going to be no matter what. All we can do is try our best. I had stopped my daily prayers to God on Election Day because I was upset with Him for not helping gays. Well, coincidence or not, my ear and teeth have been bothering me since, and now this. So while I’m still upset with Him, and I’m still sorry gays are getting so shitted upon, I’ve got to think of Tom and I first. Tom said it wouldn’t hurt to pray for both. If praying to Him or to whatever forces may hear my prayers means making a better life for us, then so be it. I feel strange praying to something that could allow for the things that have happened to us and to others, but as I said, if that’s what it takes to keep things running smoother, then I shall pray every day as usual and hope that last year wasn’t just a preparation for what could come within a month or two from now.

Meanwhile, just in case Tom and I don’t get to ring in 2009 together, I’m doing what I did last year in the motel. I’m gathering contact info. I hate to put our suicides on Jesse if that’s what it’s going to come down to, but I’ll make sure I leave a note so that our families can access my online journals, our photos, and then decide what to do with our stuff and our bodies. I realize that my parents may want to bury me in Massachusetts while his mom may want him to return to Arizona, but we’re ok with that. When you’re dead, you don’t need your body anymore, so it won’t matter what anyone does with them.

I can’t believe this shit is happening all over again! And if we do survive this one, are we just going to be teased with our survival every year or so?! We also have to pay car insurance and get more propane this month, too.

I can’t help but think of something I’ve been saying for a long time now; that it’s only the good places that are hard to stay in. If this was a noisy apartment, would this be happening? I hate it when the dogs go off, and I hate it when Jesse guns his engines, but I certainly don’t hate it here overall.

Speaking of dogs, Tom said he heard one of them squealing in pain while I had the music on. I hope someone killed one of the renter’s dogs. Then again, if they hurt one of Jesse’s, maybe that’s what it’ll take for someone to finally do something about them.

I’m too stressed out to write much more at the moment!

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Jesse ended up engine-gunning as usual yesterday, but no one came down here. His dogs have been barking on and off since I got up at 6:00, but right now he’s the least of my concerns. I wish I could have slept longer so I wouldn’t have to deal with reality!

The phone rang while we were talking yesterday, but instead of it being a job for Tom, it was a year’s supply of baby wipes for me. I use wet wipes mainly to freshen up during periods, so I figured if these can be used on babies, why not me? So I’ll be getting 24 70-count packs and 12 tubes of cream. Hope I live to get to use them all! What’s funny is that it’s an ongoing daily sweep in which they pick a monthly winner each month, and I quit entering a long time ago, focusing on mostly big prizes. So I’m winning what I haven’t entered for, in a sense.

I hit 135 lbs which I should be happy about. I am, but I wasn’t supposed to hit it because I was too stressed out to eat much, not knowing if we were going to live or die. So much for thinking there wouldn’t be a “next time.” And after we scrambled to save as much as we could to prevent this from happening all over again! Are we being punished for escaping the city yet again, or does something up there just love to tease us that badly financially? Why can’t we just live in peace?!?! Why are we so destined to struggle in poverty like little lazy bums?! Well, we’re NOT lazy, we’re NOT drunks, we’re NOT druggies, so why does this happen to us every few years?! If we can never get rich, why can’t we at least have enough to live on?!

I know a lot of people would be quick to say that suicide is not the answer, and I agree that for most people it isn’t because most people have families who give a damn about them. Tom and I have no family that cares and the few friends we have that would help us if they could, aren’t exactly in the position to do so. Imagine if it was you who was suddenly faced with either losing everything and living on the streets, or dying. I would think most people would agree that the streets are no place to be. That’s just no way to live at all! We would still prefer to be ok, but what’s meant to be is going to be no matter how hard we try to survive. We just may not be meant to live anymore, depending on what happens. And I think I know what’s going to happen. I think it’s kind of obvious. Unlike Tom, I still think things happen for a reason, and I thought that what happened last year happened in order to bring me and my family back together again, but now it looks like it was to prepare me to die. God, or whatever, knew we weren’t meant to live much longer. We only got an extension, not a reprieve. So once again the “trigger-happy psycho” has his gun pointed at our heads, and I can only hope for a miracle to remove it before he squeezes the trigger. Tom could probably make it on the streets, but I certainly can’t. He always promised me he wouldn’t let me die alone, and so that’s why we’d both go together if we do end up backed into the corner I think we’re being pushed into. We’ll know for sure in a few weeks.

Tom tells me that I should have a positive attitude and go on living as normal until and if the end truly comes, but that’s very hard for me to do. Why enter to win prizes I’ll probably never be able to receive?

I can’t believe there isn’t a law that requires temp companies to replace their laid-off workers! As I’ve always said, though, we have so many laws we shouldn’t have, and we lack so many we should have. Yet unless a miracle happens and he’s able to start a new job no later than next Monday, despite the horrible economy, I don’t see any way out of this jam. Therefore, I’ve got to try my hardest to focus on the bad things in life we’ll no longer have to deal with and not the good things we’ll miss. I won’t live to see my 43rd birthday on the 4th, but I won’t get another period either. Yes, I wanted to lose more weight now that I finally found a diet that works for me, but I won’t have to be hungry anymore. I won’t have to deal with my ear and teeth anymore, and if we have to go, now’s the best time of year to go, since December and January will be cold.

It’s still a terrifying thought; the thought of actually going through the steps to kill ourselves, which I’m not going to get into now, then the dying process, then whatever afterlife may await us. I just hope it’s better than this if nothing saves us!!!

Later…

Now we’re not safe from Jesse even after dark! The pest came storming down in his truck right before dark, obviously a little tipsy and very mad, cussing up a storm, saying he was just in back complaining to the people about their dogs running loose all over this land and stirring up his own dogs. Apparently, they gave him a hard time, not surprisingly, insisting their dogs are little sweethearts. But they refuse to tie them up so obviously they don’t have a problem with someone getting fed up enough to shoot them.

Jesse said he was calling the cops and would send them down here so we could back him up, but they never came down. They only went up to his place which is fine with us. You know how we feel about pigs. The pest himself came down again, this time on the ATV, to ask that we call Animal Patrol if we see them. He said, “We could get in a brawl and I could go to jail,” which has probably happened before from the feeling I get, but as he added in the end, he’d rather they just keep the damn things tied up. So do we, but as we didn’t need to bother pointing out to him, people who let their dogs run loose in the first place could care less about what happens to them, or how their neighbors feel about it, and they’re not easily bullied by Animal Patrol either. Still, we’ll definitely call them.

I got the impression he was out all day today because there were tons of barking on and off all day that I feared the cooler weather would bring. It seems to be that we get engine-gunning when he’s here and barking when he’s not. And he’s not going to be here tomorrow. He’s FINALLY going back to work tomorrow, so he says. Hopefully, his extra income will make him all the more willing to work with us if we have any real setbacks, but with the call that came at 4:00, we’re hoping there won’t be any.

The temp agency called and asked for his resume to be sent to a company here in Auburn that makes ceramics. He’d be working 3rd shift, lifting and getting very dirty to the tune of $13.20 an hour. He’d settle for any job, but $13.20 an hour would be awesome! And it would enable us to move if things ever got ugly with the neighbor curse that obviously still hasn’t gone away, even if it’s not technically our neighbors. God, I hope there aren’t any real problems there! We don’t need to get caught in the middle of anyone else’s shit. We really want to stay here until and if we can own our place again.

Most of the morning I spent feeling stressed and doomed. I couldn’t help thinking that just when I was proud of myself for not getting anything but incense for several months, which doesn’t cost much, this shit has to happen. While there are always things we’d like to have, I have been disciplining myself really well and haven’t even wanted dolls lately. When we get so much of something, even if it’s a good thing, we tend to get sick of it. And I’ve definitely had my fill of dolls and my share of dusting them, too. So to be rewarded with financial ruin after being so good about saving, even if I don’t always get the cheapest groceries, would really suck.

To try to calm me and reassure me, Tom pointed out that I hadn’t had any death dreams, which was true. Then at around 10:00, the feeling of doom and gloom suddenly lifted. I didn’t exactly have any positive vibes either, and I still don’t since we’re not officially out of the woods until and if he’s hired before the money runs out, but then the call came and so hopefully he’ll start there real soon. No psychic is perfect, but I definitely have better feelings than I did earlier. He applied for jobs online, including Walmart, and plans to go out hunting in person tomorrow, but hopefully this company will save him the time and gas and just have him come in for an interview tomorrow morning. It would be awesome money, and we’d save a ton of gas. We don’t know if insurance is included, but if not, we should be able to save a hell of a lot faster to get me into a dentist with him working here for $13.20 than with him working in Rocklin for $10.

If Jesse’s working 1st shift, and if Tom works 3rd shift, that may keep Tom from being woken up by him since he’d do most of his sleeping during 1st shift hours. Of course, he could still be a pest after 3:00 or whenever it would be that he got home, plus weekends.

We saw tons of dead trees along the side of the drive when we went to the store and the mail place yesterday. I can see where it would be a lot of work and why it has to be done, too. Dead trees like that could fall across the drive or hit cars and cause all kinds of headaches.

The propane people had an emergency call today, so they said they’d be out first thing in the morning.

Meanwhile, I’m trying to have the positive attitude Tom wants me to have and consider the fact that it’s unlikely the temp lady would’ve asked that he submit his resume for this company if there wasn’t a good chance of him getting the job. I mean, certainly she’s got to have asked for it for a reason, right? Well, I’ll certainly be praying and doing spells!

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

I’m so bummed out right now. I can’t believe we came this far just to quite possibly end up dead since we don’t want to lose everything and live in shelters or on the streets. I still don’t have doom vibes, I haven’t had nightmares, but no one called at all today. Tom thinks he’ll hear something by noon tomorrow. Let’s hope he’s right!

Then again, do I really want to be saved this time? Would it matter if we had family who cared enough to save us? My mother, for some reason, decided she didn’t want anything to do with us after she helped us last year, so there’s no way I can see her helping us now. Besides, we can’t go running to others for help every year or two. We’ve got to either sink or swim on our own, and if he doesn’t get a job in time to save us, we’ll just have to sink.

His family quit caring about us years ago and made it clear that they would never again be there for us to help us if we ever needed it, and our friends, who don’t live in the area, aren’t able to help us even though I’m sure they would if they could.

So we are right where we were the day they laid him off, waiting to see what happens. Again, I’m not sure that I totally want saving this time. I’m just so tired of trying to get ahead just to get kicked back like this, especially if that good-paying job doesn’t hire him real soon. Quiet or not, I don’t want to live in old bummy places all my life. I don’t want to save and save and save just to end up struggling anyway. I don’t want to grow old and deal with the problems old age brings. I have enough problems as it is with my ear and teeth. I don’t want to have to worry about who’s going to take care of us when we get too old to fend for ourselves.

So I guess I’m okay with whatever happens. There are pros and cons to both living and dying, and I got to do the things I wanted to live to do anyway when we were in the jam we were in last year. I got to listen to my stereo again, have my stuff and wear the clothes that had been packed for so long, hang my wind chimes, etc. So as sad and as scary as it still may be, I’m ready to move onto the next plane, whatever that may be, if that’s what it comes down to.

Death has always scared me. Any form of death at any age has always been a terrifying thought because we can never really know for sure what happens afterward until we’re actually dead. Maybe God really does hate gays and I’ll go to hell for the half a dozen women I’ve been with, even if all but two were one-night stands. Maybe I’ll just float about, able to drop in on anyone or anyplace I want. Maybe I’ll be reincarnated. Maybe I’ll just sink into total nothingness. The point is the same, I’m going to find out someday anyway, so does it really matter when it happens if it can keep us from being homeless? There are just as many bad things in life to escape in our 40s and 50s as there would be in our 70s and 80s.

We would prefer for him to get a better job, for me to win more like I used to before the economy went to hell, for me to be able to go to a dentist, and for us to one day buy a home of our own. But life isn’t usually what we plan it to be. Most folks don’t want to believe this, but it’s true.

We got $100 worth of propane, so at least we won’t have to die cold if it does come down to the streets or death, although the afternoons have been nice. I’ve got the windows open now, the fan running, and I’m not wearing much either. Propane’s down a bit, too. Last time it was $2.34 a gallon and now it’s $1.99.

The dogs haven’t been as barky as I thought they’d be, not used to Jesse being gone all day, and I got a small win in the mail. Just air freshener and Ziploc bags for steaming veggies in the microwave. I guess it’s better than nothing.

Meanwhile, it’s back to waiting on death row. Are we going to make it or not? Guess time will tell and whatever’s meant to be will be as I’ve said before.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Got up at 7:00 and it’s been terrible around here so far. Just terrible. I haven’t seen them yet, but the renter’s dogs are going off and stirring up Jesse’s dogs and so it’s been a non-stop symphony of barking ever since. It’s going to be warm today, so hopefully the heat will shut them up in a few hours from now.

I can’t believe some people, though! I mean that’s really asking for someone to shoot the fucking things! Some people really just don’t give a damn about those around them or even what may happen to their own pets. And sooner or later they’re going to kill someone’s chickens or get into something and someone around here will shoot them. It’s just a matter of time. I can only hope it happens soon because I’m just itching to get a gun and do it myself!

Meanwhile, if Tom gets that job we’ll have a tough decision to make. If noise is going to follow us everywhere we go, maybe we should get out of here and listen to it in a bigger, newer place without the landlord in the picture to conveniently bug us so often. Or maybe we should stay put and continue to put up with it because this place is cheaper and we can save money faster.

Later…

It got into the 80s in here and we had to run the cooler for a while. Meanwhile, just when we thought that for the first time in 16 years, we found a place where barking wouldn’t be an issue, the dogs have been stirring each other up every couple of hours or so. So it’s not much quieter with Jesse back at work. There just has to be a problem everywhere we go. No one’s going to do anything about these dogs. Not the owners, not Jesse, not Animal Patrol, not anyone. It’s going to have to be up to us, but it’s looking more and more unlikely that we’ll get the chance. So that’s one less thing we’ll have to deal with, I remind myself, every time I get sad, mad or scared knowing that our number’s almost up. That and the fact that we’ll get to die in the comfort of our bed and not on the bathroom floor of a motel.

I can’t believe I named the last chapter of my autobiography Paz en las Maderas! We’re at anything but “peace in the woods.” But Tom isn’t ready to face it yet. He said he’d rather not discuss it or make any final plans till after he gets to watch the last car race of the season on Sunday.

Instinctively I start to think of ways out of this mess, but then I’m like, hey! This is bullshit! I’m not going to be reduced and humiliated into begging and pleading for our lives and our survival every 1-3 years! This is utterly ridiculous! I’m sick of being teased with life! It’s maddening, just utterly maddening. In another week, if we last that long, I would think I’ll have descended way down into the bowels of insanity by then. My will to fight to live is already slipping away, so why not my sanity too, right?

I’ve decided that the last things I want to do during my final days on earth is diet, exercise or clean. But dieting is what I’m used to, running makes me feel good, and I hate a dirty, dusty house. I also said I wasn’t going to sweep anymore, but I’ve been doing it just to be doing something. I can’t concentrate on my stories, so We’ll Meet Again Someday, The Influencer and Rainbow Dreams will just have to remain unfinished.

Some would say that suicide is a cowardly thing, but if not wanting to be on the streets means I’m a coward, then so be it. I’d rather be a dead coward, than alive on the streets until it killed us, and eventually it would. Maybe not Tom, but it would kill me for sure.

I’m pretty emotional right now as the pros and cons of living versus dying run through my head in torrents. I want to live to see if my husband and I can one day own our own home again, but I don’t want to live for my eyes to get any worse. I want to lose more weight, but I don’t want to listen to the barking fits day after day. I want to get ahead, but I don’t want to get kicked back like we do every time we get ahead.

I still wonder about the afterlife. Is there any such thing? The last thing I believe in is reincarnation, but if that’s what happens then maybe I’ll be born to a family who truly loves and accepts me as I am next time around. Maybe there won’t be any foster homes or funny farms. Maybe I won’t have a sleep disorder that gets worse with time and that prevents me from working outside of the house and doubling our income. If there is an afterlife, but it’s not reincarnation, I hope to hell there’s no such thing as money there! Money has a way of killing people.

People say I should focus on my blessings when things get rough and remind myself that I have Tom, I can sing, I’m good with languages, I can draw, I can play instruments, I can dance, I learn faster and easier than most people, I’m still prettier than most, I’m psychic, I’m a good writer and a damn good actress, too. But none of these things can save Tom and I in the end.

Later…

I won’t miss getting older and grayer, but I’ll miss my favorite websites.

We reapplied the Return to Sender spell. I don’t know if it’ll help save us any more than the bamboo plants or my spells and prayers will, but we’ll see. I wish we got around to picking up a horseshoe, but we never did.

I just can’t shake the feeling that yes, things do happen for a reason, and what happened last year happened to help prepare me to die with my husband so we don’t have to die on the streets in a much slower, agonizing way. But can anyone ever really be prepared to die?

I also can’t shake the feeling that I was crazy for thinking there was a good God after all that gave a damn about us. Was I really just a naïve, silly little fool in that department?

Friday, November 14, 2008

Tom had originally planned to sell the TV on Craigslist if necessary, but then he was like, wait a minute. We’ve got a $1000 TV and two $1200 Macs. All it would take is one Mac and the TV to pay the rent, so while he still thinks some job will come through for him before we have to do that, that’s what we’re going to do if need be. He could always pull out one of the old monitors from the shed if he had to till he could buy them back. It’s a bit humiliating to have to be reduced to playing “pawn it” yet again, but at the same time, I thank God for pawn shops!

We’re not completely out of the woods yet (yes, I know that sounds funny since we live in the woods), but things aren’t looking as hopeless as they were.

Unfortunately, no one called today, but Tom said that Fridays are always iffy for interviews. Meanwhile, the unemployment should kick in soon, and while he still thinks the temp agency will come through first, he’s excited about Best Buy and Sears, which he applied for online because they would have excellent benefits. He’s also going to the local job hunt center on Monday and will be within good signal range should he get a call to go in for an interview. He feels that because he’s older and a Vet they’ll really push to get him a job.

Part of what was stressing me out so badly was this huge misunderstanding I had about his past online efforts at getting a job. A few months ago Tom put in job applications and not one of them responded. I was freaking out wondering how the hell he could possibly get a job in a few days or even a few weeks if no one would give him a job for months. That’s when he explained to me about a certain boo-boo he made at the online job search company he used. He wasn’t aware of it for a while and thought the lack of calls was due to the economy. Anyway, he said he wouldn’t work for less than 40K a year! And I guess this company doesn’t let you fix things like this and so now he couldn’t use this service for 6 months to a year. I had to admit it was funny and it felt good to laugh after being so stressed out. So he was asking for 40K at jobs that said they paid $9 an hour! LOL, I just hope this wasn’t a case of divine guidance in a bad kind of way, though, designed to hold us back.

Of course I also had to freak out a bit at the thought of being denied unemployment, but Tom says that’s not possible. He quit his job in Oregon, but here he was laid off. There’s a difference, so we’ve learned. When it comes to jobs and taxes and things like that Oregon and California are like two different countries!

As much as I hate a zillion things in life, I’d still prefer to live. Even if that means having to deal with the renter’s shit like we did today. They fired 3 shots. Tom said he couldn’t tell where it was coming from since gunshots are so loud (it was loud alright), saying that it could’ve come from up at the summit. Sure sounded like it was down in the canyon to me. On the flip side, though, the dogs were quiet all day. It was nearly 80º today, so that was part of it. I swear I wish it would either be hot all the time or rain 24/7! The Klammers are going down to 27º tonight while we still haven’t even come close to freezing. The rain we had sure greened things up a bit around here.

With the pawnshop giving me a bit more hope of rescuing us, I reentered the land of the living a little more today. I didn’t work on my story, but I entered sweeps, did laundry and even cleaned most of the place. I ran too, and went back on my homemade timer diet, ready to kill the 13th pound.

Jasmine says her idea of reincarnation makes it so that if you commit suicide to get out of something, you will have to face that same pain again in your next life. She believes that life is a challenge for every person and that by the end of it, our souls get wiser because we have learned what it is we came into the world to learn in the first place. She doesn’t think the lesson is exactly the same for each person. So when she has thought of suicide as a way out, she didn’t do it because she strongly feels that whatever she’s running from now will definitely find her again and she would have to deal with it anyway. So her argument for “preparing to die” would be that no one is preparing to die but rather everyone is preparing for the next step, the next lesson, the next challenge(s). We’re all working to become better beings and you can’t become something better in just one life so that’s why she believes in reincarnation.

I still don’t believe in reincarnation myself.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

We got a letter from Unemployment today saying we’d be getting $300 a week! Tom said that’s way better than the $230 he expected. We don’t know yet if we’ll need to pawn the TV and one of the Macs, but if we’re really careful, we could make it on $300 a week till he finds a new job. That’s only $75 less than he was taking home, and since he hasn’t been driving 45 minutes a day or more, he’s been saving on gas. It lasts for 6 months, but we know he’ll certainly have a job by then.

Jasmine said that while she can understand that having to pawn things may be humiliating, you gotta do what you gotta do to save yourselves, and there’s nothing humiliating about escaping death or the streets.

She’s got a point there! We’ve all gotta do things we don’t want to do, and the humiliation of pawning things could never compare to the sorrow, fear and just downright horror of having to kill ourselves to escape a slow, miserable death on the streets. No one wants to die. I just hope we won’t continue to be teased about our survival like this every so often. The stress is a killer! It still is a little scary and it probably will be until he gets hired wherever.

Anyway, the reason the unemployment checks are this high is because of all the overtime he was getting for a while back in the motel.

I won a Blu-ray movie and got another coffee sample. It’s a dark roast, so I don’t know if I’ll like it. I can’t believe the amount of coffee I’ve been winning and receiving samples of lately!

In gay news, they’re protesting up a storm, but I’ve still got to see them conquer all the bigots of this world before I’ll believe they ever will. Some say what happened here was the best thing because it stirred up lots of support all over the country, but until gays have a full bag of rights in every state, I don’t see any improvement coming anytime soon.

The only bad thing, other than the stress of being unemployed of course, is the barking. It’s been terrible lately. Just terrible. Even worse than Oregon in some ways. Like I said, I’m not sure Jesse’s returning to work is a good thing after all. I like how it doesn’t give him as much time to come down and bug us, but it’s just as noisy, so what’s the point?

I’m also not sure if we’re better off here than in the city. I guess maybe we still are because it’s cheaper here. Besides, we can deal with the dogs, but there’s nothing we could do about all the car stereos and door-slamming in the city. Then again, if we do shoot the dogs, it’d only be a matter of time before they got new ones. People just don’t care. I don’t know why they’d get dogs just to toss them outside 24/7 and risk someone getting as fed up as we are, but that’s just what they do around here. They get dogs, they throw them outside, and they basically forget about them. And if the neighbors have a problem with it, tough shit.

We’ll have to just wait and see what kind of job he gets and then weigh the pros and cons of moving or staying. I know I’m just sick of moving and sick of this shit following us every fucking place we go! Then again, if he gets a shitty-paying job, we’ll HAVE to stay here. This is a classic example of how I can’t believe some things don’t happen for a reason. No one “happens” to get this shit everywhere they go. This is a definite curse and it’s been on me since the early 90s. I’m sick of running as I said. We’re not the problem here, the dogs are. So I think we should take care of the problem. If we leave and find a quiet place, we may have a bigger more modern place, but it’d only cost more and it too, would get noisy in just a few months, so we may as well stay put, face the problem and deal with it. The only thing is that it might be a while before we’ve got the money to deal with it properly, the only way it can be dealt with.

For now, we’re not going to say anything in case we need a few days extra to pay the rent, but Jesse needs to control his own dogs, too. They’ve been barking like crazy, more than the renter’s dogs. I don’t know what kind of setup he has up there, but I’d like to see if we can get him to put the dogs on the other side of the house.

Tom’s been taking this extra free time to work on the horseracing program. Not wanting to jump the gun again until it’s been tested enough, he’s been making picks without betting, and so far it looks good. It’s seemed that way before, though, so it still needs more testing time.

Wouldn’t it be oh so wonderful if I was wrong? I mean first I thought what happened last year happened to reunite my family and I, then I came to fear it was just preparation for death after all, only it would be a year later. Well, wouldn’t it be nice if this layoff was meant to be so he could have more time to fine-tune the program?!

Sunday, November 16, 2008

13 pounds bite the dust! My waist is down 4” so far.

Today’s been quieter dog-wise because of the heat. As it is they’re saying it could be 85º tomorrow. Ah, but that’s still not hot enough for me! If the horseracing program works out or I win big, we’re going back to the desert! If we really ever get to build/buy our own place, it’ll probably be in the California desert around the Death Valley area. You know, where Charles Manson and his “family” holed up on some ranch.

The program will be in the testing phase for about a month. We know better than to jump the gun and get our hopes up after just a couple of good days. I hope this is finally it, though, I really do! Even if it were dead quiet here all the time, this place is still too old and definitely too small. In today’s test picks, if he’d have bet $18 for real, he’d have profited by $8. Had he bet $144, he’d have profited by just over $300. Had he bet $400, that would’ve made an $1100 profit!

It’s rather ironic that right after we reapply the Return to Sender spell we get good news from Unemployment, plus these awesome test results.

Monday, November 17, 2008

¡Un otro gana bien (another good win)! I almost didn’t get to today’s entry because I’ve been so busy. Busy with the usual work and chores, plus picking out what I wanted from the cooking site I won from. It was actually a consolation prize. They had an instant sweep and it told me I won a coupon for a free Bird’s Eye Steamfresh meal for two on one page, then the next page told me I wasn’t a winner and to try again the next day. So I complained, along with others who were experiencing the same glitch, and was surprised with this generous consolation prize. At first I thought they’d send the coupon, plus maybe an extra one. Then I thought they weren’t going to do anything since I hadn’t heard from them and there are a lot of scam sweeps going on now due to the economy. But today I got the email with the prize code and was like, wow, that’s quite a consolation!

It’s a pretty big site and there was much to go through. We’ve been talking about getting a new deep fryer for too many years now, so I got one of those, plus a fruit and veggie slicer they call a Mandoline. It slices, shreds and juliennes. I especially like it for slicing potatoes!

Speaking of food, I’ve been rather fatigued from having under 1000 calories a day for several days in a row, so I ate a little more today. Better to lose weight slower and feel better, than to lose it faster and be tired.

Got a letter from Mary. She says I should email my mother and maybe accept the spa win and go see her, but as I’ll be reminding her in my letter to her, A, the spa turned out to be a scam. B, my mother decided she doesn’t want anything to do with me. C, I don’t want anything to do with those who don’t want anything to do with me. D, I don’t know what my mother’s email addy is. E, I appreciate her saving our asses, but I don’t wish to associate with anyone even remotely like her.

I did find a couple of email addresses for a certain black bitch that once made my life a living hell when I got curious and searched various names and various sites. You can only get so much info without a premium membership, but I did find a couple on the sick bitch and couldn’t resist sending her my MD journal link. Whether or not she’ll really get it and check it out, I’ll never know. I would think she’d be curious. If she is, she’s not going to leave me any feedback about it. She’ll run to her pig pal instead or some other pig.

Mary says she’s pretty sure my family’s reading my journal out of natural curiosity, being someone they know, especially their daughter. She says they’d be curious as to how they’re described and what’s going on with my life.

I asked Tom what he thought and he has no idea.

Ugh, damn bugs! You KNOW you’re not in a seasonal climate when bugs are attracted to your monitor in November.

It’s under 80º in here now, so I can turn the fan off.

Anyway, I go back and forth between thinking yes, they’re reading my journals, and no they’re not. It’s easy for me to think they’re not because if they’re not interested in keeping in touch with me, then why bother with the journals? But I also think they are because they’re only human, and it’s a way of keeping in touch without really keeping in touch. I know that if I suddenly knew that someone I personally knew had a journal, even if I hated their guts, I’d be naturally curious. It’s just normal human nature, even though my mother doesn’t always do the so-called “normal” thing, so I’ll never really know. I don’t even know if they bothered giving the link to Tammy, but if they did, she’d be more likely to check it out. I’ll admit the idea of it is rather amusing, but in the end, it doesn’t matter. I like to write and so my journals will go on even if no one ever reads another word again.

Jessie’s been busy but is okay. She says her husband infested their computer with all kinds of viruses, so she doesn’t use it much. She also said she’s not looking forward to the week she’ll be spending in Vegas at all because all she’ll be doing is working. She won’t even have much time to eat and sleep. It sucks that we won’t be able to see each other, but oh well.

The dogs were going crazy again at sundown, but I was surprised to learn they were quiet all morning, according to Tom. They’ve also been quiet since it’s been dark, but they could go off anytime. Tom said he heard them in back calling their dogs when he was in the bathroom.

In other news, no job news yet for Tom, who plans to hit the local job center. Unlike in Oregon, though, he can do it online here which is definitely more convenient.

Hopefully, the horseracing testing will keep doing as well as it has been so he doesn’t have to work anywhere but right here, and we can get our own place! I’m not moving with less than 20K, though. Not after what happened the last two times we changed states!

Let’s see, other than the usual ear and teeth pain, plus my annoying ingrown toenail, I’m doing ok. I ended up being up forever yesterday and only sleeping for 5 hours, so I’ll probably crash earlier and sleep longer tonight.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

I actually feel bad for Jesse now, even though he’s still pestering us with coming down here. I feel bad for him for the same reason I feel bad for us; the renters absolutely refuse to tie up their dogs and are continuing to stir up his dogs like crazy. Last night’s 2 AM disturbance woke him up. This is why I learned years ago to sleep with fans or sound machines. Right now I have my radio off-tuned to a station to create white noise so I can concentrate.

Anyway, he came to give us a business card with the Animal Patrol number which differed from the one I got online. Again I asked if he had Tom’s cell phone so he could save himself a trip and just call if there are any updates on the situation and when he gets their address. He says he’ll give us a ring, but I’ve got to see it to believe it. The guy’s just dumb. Good with building and fixing things, but dumb. Very hard to talk to, too. He interrupts a lot and it’s hard to get a word in edgewise at times. Repeats things a lot, too.

Jesse also says that this weekend he’s going to try to tie the dogs up when they come around and then call AP which would result in the owners having to pay a fine to get them back. He said he’s never had a problem like this before. I know he hasn’t. He’s having it cuz we’re here. WE’RE the one the dog curse is on. I totally believe this, too. I don’t just believe it, I KNOW it. I don’t think he understands, though, since he obviously hasn’t had the experience we’ve had with neighboring dogs, that the only way to solve the problem is to either hope they move or shoot the dogs dead. A fine isn’t going to change anything. They’ll just pay the fine, turn them loose all over again, then cry, “But they don’t DO anything!” See, waking people up and annoying the hell out of them when they are awake just isn’t “doing” anything according to most people. Nonetheless, people just don’t care and some are so damn defiant they’ll gladly pay to make others miserable.

I know I’M not going to try tying them up if I see them down here! I don’t mess with anything inhuman that weighs more than me. If you’re a person and you way more than me and would like to get into it, fine, bring it on. Even if I thought I would lose, I’d rather get beat down than send the wrong message by not at least trying to defend myself. Not defending yourself basically says, “Do it again, cuz I won’t fight back.”

So much for being able to call this place quieter than Maricopa!

Still no job calls for Tom. I asked if he’s stressed out yet, and he said no, not unless there are still no calls by the 1st. Worst-case scenario, he never gets a job, the unemployment eventually expires, and we kill ourselves so we don’t have to die slowly and miserably on the streets and or shelters. Ain’t life grand? Yeah, it’s so damn nice to know we can die in the comfort of our own bed as the carbon monoxide from the charcoals quickly shuts our brains down!

I jumped up a couple of pounds because I’ve been horribly stuck lately and took a couple of days off of dieting. Oh well. I’ll get back on track soon enough.

I decided that since I’m so much busier these days, it’s a waste of time to enter the daily sweeps every day. Multiple entries really don’t up your chances of winning. It isn’t how many entries you’ve got, it’s how many entries other people have got. So I wiped out most of my dailies from My Sweeps, keeping only the instants and the huge cash prizes.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Yet again the barking has been a real nightmare! We turned the air cleaner up to ‘medium’ in the living room to try to drown most of it out, but you can still hear it a little. So as long as people are going to be stupid and not deal with the problem properly, we’ll just have to live with it. I am going to try to get Jesse to move his own damn dogs to the other side of the house at some point. I can’t believe all the barking is other things stirring them up. I think they’re just lonely and sick of being tossed outside and left alone. I don’t think they’re going to get used to no one being around all day. Therefore, if we make it through these tough times but it doesn’t look like we’re going to be able to get a place of our own anytime soon, I’m going to push for a rent deduction. And fuck pawning things, too! He’ll just have to wait till we can come up with the rent, although Tom says it may provide us with extra cushion for other things anyway. Meanwhile, I still don’t see why he can’t take the fucking things in at least at night. Then he wouldn’t have to worry about being woken up at night, and we wouldn’t have to deal with it either.

I suppose Jesse may be down to bug us anytime now. It sucks that he’s finding just as much time to be a pest, even though the guy’s apparently working long hours. He seems to be gone for about 12 hours a day.

I wish it would rain more often. Rain and heat helps shut them up, but it’s been incredibly dry so far compared to last year. Somehow this doesn’t surprise me either, now that we’re here, but it’s been desert-dry. I don’t think it’s rained more than half a dozen times in over half a year.

Tom’s “horsing around” is still seemingly great. I hope this is finally it! Another letdown in this area would be SUCH a cruel tease!

The Supreme Court is going to hear arguments about the gay marriage ban, but you know me, I’ll have to see them win to believe they will. Tom says he would think they’d have a good chance or else why would they bother hearing the argument in the first place?

I jumped up 3 pounds and would really like to not eat until tomorrow so I can undo the damage caused by all those Fritos, shrimp chips and caramel cake in less time, but I don’t think I can do that. As it is that Jimmy Dean breakfast bowl with yummy cheesy eggs, bacon and potatoes is really calling out to me!

Thursday, November 20, 2008

The good news is that the testing is still going well, and the dogs seem to have been a little quieter today.

The bad news is that it looks like I may not be able to lose any more weight which doesn’t surprise me much. I haven’t been able to lose more than 10-15 pounds since getting over 35. Now I have to decide if I want to keep on dieting anyway to keep the weight off a while longer, or take a break and let it come back, then re-lose the weight again. It would come back in just a couple of weeks, so I’ll probably keep at it a while longer. I’ll exercise no matter what to keep fit.

Tomorrow our deep fryer will be here so I won’t be dieting at all then!

Strangely enough, the temp company called Tom today to set up an appointment for 9:30 tomorrow morning to “see what kind of job he wants.” What he doesn’t get is why they need to ask this when they should have enough information already, and why they didn’t do this a week ago if they just had to do it. This makes us both think they’re probably going to give him a shitty job without benefits or with benefits we could never afford. With the exception of the last two years in Oregon, we’re usually pretty broke, so I was never expecting a high-paying job in the first place. Even when he was making $16 an hour in Arizona, most of the money went to the house so we were still broke. We’re broke when we are, we’re broke when we aren’t! So except for those two years, it’s nothing new. We’ll take the damn $8 - $9 job if we have to, and I’ll freeze my gums and pull my own teeth.

He still thinks the horses will work out, and although he doesn’t know how much time it will take, he’ll eventually be able to make us more money than we need just from that. I hope he’s right, but after so many letdowns, seeing is believing for me. I believe that the longer something is a certain way, the more likely it’s meant to be that way forever. So if we’re in our 40s and 50s and still broke, it’s hard to believe that would ever change, be it suddenly or slowly. For now, though, I agree that it would be nice if he could get a job at a company that wasn’t going out of business and be hired on. Working at temp jobs with companies that are going out of business is no way to have security in life.

Poverty. Couldn’t imagine life without it! They say God picks on at least one member per family and Tom and I are definitely it within ours!

The most important thing is being able to pay for the things we NEED in life. If you can’t pay for the necessities, you’re really screwed! So yeah, we’ll take the shitty pay, cuz shit pay is better than no pay, but it’ll suck that we’ll have to stay here no matter what. I’d prefer to stay here until and if we can ever get our own place, but I also like to have choices. The more choices in life, the better. I hate to have to be locked into anything, even if it’s a good thing, or mostly good anyway.

What’s up with all the foreign friend requests I’ve been getting lately? Not that I mind, but strangely enough I’ve been getting hit with a few a day on Kiwibox. I’ve got friends in Pakistan, Canada, India, Australia, Russia, the Philippines, and probably other places I’m forgetting!

Friday, November 21, 2008

I could’ve easily jumped back on track with my diet, but when our new deep fryer arrived, I knew I just had to be a bad girl! I made fried chicken and later I’ll make French fries. Oh, and of course I had to have caramel-filled candies for dessert!

This fryer is way better than the one we used to have. It’s half the size, but perfect for just two people. He hates chicken so I’m the only one I make that for. This one has a screen so it doesn’t make the mess our old one did and splatter all over. That, and the slicer I have yet to use, sure is a hell of a consolation prize!

The trip to the temp company in Roseville turned out to be a total waste of time. Definitely not a dream come true. This is because I dreamt he got offered a job for $10 with no insurance. Well, he didn’t get offered a damn thing! All they did was tell him to call every week to see what they’ve got. Now why did they have to tell him this in person? They’re obviously not going to give him shit, and I wonder if anyone else ever will either. If the horses let us down again, we’re dead if he doesn’t get something by February. That’s when the car insurance and other things will be an issue, although we probably won’t bother with the renter’s insurance.

He not only let them know how upset he is with them but tried to find out what his prize is. They had a raffle and he supposedly won something which they claim they don’t know about yet. I say it’s all bullshit. There is no prize, there is no job, and so something else better rescue us soon enough.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Amazingly, we made it through the weekend without Jesse coming down. I really thought he’d find something to bug us about. As I told Tom, I think we should stop answering his every beck and call. Maybe if he sees he won’t get a response that way, THEN he’ll start using the phone.

It’s been surprisingly quiet the last few days. I still wouldn’t be surprised if the dogs barked all day tomorrow as soon as Jesse leaves for work, but I’ll be asleep through most of it anyway.

The horses are continuing to test very well. So well that Tom’s starting to think he may be able to quit working (if he ever gets a job in the first place) by the end of the year. It’ll still take a year or two to save up for land and a house and all that, though, as you’re talking a few hundred grand.

Meanwhile, we’ll be reduced to having to play pawn-it this week. I just wonder how many more times we’ll have to go through this shit if the horses don’t work out? How many more times??? Well, they BETTER work out because if they don’t, and if I never win big, we’re very likely looking at being poor for the rest of our lives. If he were in his 20s he’d have a shot at big bucks, but not at 51 years of age.

I dreamt that the horses won $220 the other day. Funny how the number 2 is always present in these kinds of dreams. First they won 2 grand, then 2 million, and now 2 hundred. I just hope these dreams are a sign that yes, they will indeed make money! I’ve never had a negative horse dream yet.

Monday, November 24, 2008

After working on it for the last year and a half, even though it’s been an on-and-off thing, I finally finished my book! Woot! The skeleton of the story is complete. Now it’s time to fine-tune and flesh things out, then do the final proofreading with the reader.

Finishing my book is the good news. The bad news is the same old shit we’ve been dealing with since the early 90s – problem neighbors. See, this is a prime example of why I have a hard time agreeing with Tom that things just happen randomly. Getting next to freeloaders - blacks and Hispanics in particular - for over 15 years is not RANDOM, it’s a PATTERN. That’s some outer, higher force cursing us. Why, I do not know. Were we horrible neighbors ourselves in a previous life or something?

I’m sick and tired of Mexicans being a problem everywhere we go. Everywhere we go! Not once have we had Mexican neighbors who were quiet, civilized and working. Instead, all they’ve wanted to do was sit on their asses at our tax dollar’s expense and make as much trouble as possible. These people simply do not want to get along with anybody. Hell, they LOOK for trouble! I swear it’s like they live to annoy whoever they possibly can. It’s like they’re trying to score a huge record as to how many people they can make miserable during their lives. They don’t want to work, they don’t want to respect others, yet society continues to put them up on this pedestal they don’t deserve to be on, and they continue to give, give, and give while the freeloaders take, take, take. How backward can things get? Why are people kissing the asses of such assholes and giving to such undeserving people?! Meanwhile, we work hard, we respect others, yet we’re pawning our lives away! No one’s giving us shit! Why is that? Are we perhaps too damn white?

Between the shooting, the dogs, and being home all the time, I knew they were not only renters but probably freeloaders as well. And when Jesse, who obviously isn’t much more respectful himself, came down with their address and the name of José G, that pretty much wiped out any lingering doubts about them being welfare bums. The only thing we’re not getting this time around, and I hope to hell it stays this way, is the damn car stereos. I have heard an occasional beat thumping every now and then, but nothing frequent or for longer than a few minutes at a time. Everything else is the same old bullshit, though.

So here’s what happened as far as I know. Dumb cock came down on his ATV at 2:00, and miraculously I slept through it. Tom didn’t take my advice about ignoring him by SHOWING him since TELLING him obviously won’t work, that we’re not going to run to the door every time he runs down here. Earlier, from 6:00 - 6:30, the dogs were barking their asses off and pissing me the hell off, of course, so I had to put the sound machine on.

Jesse came down to warn us that one of the dogs is dangerous. It’s a pit bull. Yeah, I knew trying to restrain them was a crazy idea. I don’t think he got bit, but he wasn’t able to tie them up. Instead, they hurt one of his dogs and it can barely walk, so he took the day off to deal with that. Now maybe the dumb shit will smarten up and start taking them inside if only at night, but I doubt it. Leaving them out would really be asking for trouble, but that all depends on how much he cares about his own dogs, and so far he doesn’t seem to care much. Somehow I doubt he’ll take just a day off. I think that once again, he’s got money and would prefer to just hang out here and fiddle with shit around the land. So we may soon be switching back from barking to engine-gunning. The engine gunning is harder to drown out, but at least I know it won’t be happening at midnight. Also, since he’s proven that he can be just as much of a pest whether he works or not, I guess I’d rather have him around in case of a problem. And I see a few problems that could result from this, and I have to wonder if we’re going to get caught up in the middle in any way. I’m all for fighting back as opposed to not doing anything and sending the wrong message, but I still worry about this.

Jesse says he filed a report and that the more people that complain means they could lose their dogs and not be allowed to get anymore. I laughed at this one of course, knowing he obviously hasn’t had the experience we’ve had with these kinds of people. These are the most defiant people there are, next to terrorists. They will literally die for us or for anyone else and all for the dumbest of things, too. I can guarantee you that if they were given the choice right now to either be shot dead or give up their dogs, they would gladly take a bullet all in the name of not “giving in.” These people aren’t just unwilling to cooperate, they’re vindictive, unreasonable and potentially deadly. These are the kinds of people that shoot people. The shots they fired last week were no doubt in regards to him having just gone down there to tell them off. It’s their way of saying, “We’re gonna do what we’re gonna do, and to hell with neighbors, cops or anyone else.” It’s the people that cops, landlords or city officials can’t even tame that are the scariest. If they can’t get them to do the right thing, who can?

Tom doesn’t think they’ll do anything, but if Jesse succeeds in getting the dogs taken away, or if he finally gets fed up enough to shoot them, what’s to say these crazy freeloaders won’t shoot at us or torch the place? That’s simply the way they handle things. They don’t run, they don’t reason, they don’t negotiate. They get violent. The Phoenix Mexicans only ran because they were illegals with God only knew how many outstanding warrants.

It’s going to take a long time to go about it the way Jesse’s trying to go about it, and if they do lose their dogs, they WILL get new ones while they’re busy crying racism. No doubt about that. It’d be quicker and easier to just shoot them as they got them.

Once again, I’m not sure that rural is the way to go. If it’s going to take a few years to build up the money anyway, we may be better off in a retirement community. The only thing I wouldn’t like about that would be the lack of space, but cursed or not with neighbors, I can’t believe they would come and go a dozen times a day, have tons of company, blast music, and leave their dogs outside 24/7. These things are simply not allowed there. And I know there wouldn’t be any freeloaders there to raise hell or screaming kids bouncing basketballs just a few feet away.

I hope we’ll live to get to decide these things, as well as whether or not we should continue to stay here in the meantime. I asked Tom if he would consider Jesse a pest if he lived alone and he said no since nothing’s being manufactured in any way. Oh, I know these are real issues. It’s just that there’s always SOMETHING. If this dog thing ever did get resolved, which I doubt, we’d just go right into a whole new problem where he’d just have to come down every few days to a few weeks, because he’s too stupid to get that we want him to pick up the phone instead. Or doesn’t WANT to get it. I’m still not sure which is which. He is pretty dumb. He may be good with building and fixing shit, but he’s stupid otherwise. The guy’s too hyper to really talk to, and since he butts in before we can finish explaining whatever, he doesn’t give himself a chance to comprehend. Maybe he has ADD cuz he sure doesn’t stay focused very well. He interrupts us, tells us the same things over and over, and it just gets frustratingly old. It really does!

But if we left, would we really be better off if this curse is just going to follow us everywhere we go? Sure, it’s easy to say that if we’re going to have to listen to the barking and deal with people coming to our door anyway, we may as well do it in the convenience of the city in a bigger place, but this is about as cheap as it gets. Plus, if we moved we would no longer have just dogs to deal with. Then we’d be back with the stereos, the door-slamming, the screaming kids, etc.

I told Tom to make sure he backs up his Mac real good, cuz there’s no guarantee that what goes out is ever coming back. He reminded me that if we can’t afford to buy back the TV and Mac, we’ve got problems a hell of a lot worse than that! Yeah, I know. That’s what I’m afraid of. I still haven’t had any scary dreams, but no one’s called yet either. He originally said he’d be worried if no one called by the 1st, and then he remembered Thanksgiving is this week. He thinks that by next week they’ll call.

The problem is that we may or may not have enough money to have the horses rescue us if a job doesn’t do it first, and there just aren’t any jobs. No one’s hiring anywhere. Although it’s still looking really good, there are only a few dollars in the horse account right now and it’s hit or miss as to whether or not the amount would go up with just one shot. It’s going to take a few hundred to make a few thousand. Because he’s going to get more than we need from pawning stuff, he may use some of that, but I’d rather not have to go that route. I’d rather he get a job and use some of that because it’s “looked good” before. Test profits are one thing, real profits are another. So until I actually see it make money consistently, I’ve got to believe that nothing’s changed, we’ll be poor most of our lives, living in dumps, etc.

Welfare bums really make my blood boil. The fact that “minorities” are getting first dibs on all kinds of golden opportunities tells me that people like this CHOOSE to be the way they are. Meanwhile, my husband, who would love such opportunities to come his way, can’t get them because he is white. It pisses me the fuck off – AAARRRGGGHHH!!!

I cleaned out the fatty fryer and am not going to use it for a while. I was really getting carried away with it, frying French fries and chicken wings like crazy. I’ll fry potatoes in the skillet in margarine later. That way I can use the slicer again. It’s so fun and easy! It’s so cool to be able to slice a potato in just a minute. Before it would take me forever to do it by hand.

What’s weird is that while I had jumped two pounds to 136, I’m almost down to 135. It must be the tea. I ran out of the Oolong tea I’d gotten from eBay up in Oregon, and so Tom got me this tea that contains Oolong, jasmine and green tea from the local store. It seems to help with water and my metabolism just as well, along with running nearly every day.

I’m jam-packed with muscle, though I still have 25 more pounds of fat to lose – ugh! I’ve been rather muscular since my 20s, though it sure would be nice to have a Bowflex machine after the fat has been shed. That’d really show them off! I like for my muscles to show, especially in my shoulders and arms. If it shows through all this fat, I ought to look pretty scary without it!

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Tom took a bunch of bottles to a recycling center he found close by. He said he had to wait a while. I guess a lot of people are recycling these days.

He also said Jesse appeared to have returned to work and that there was very little barking. I heard more than “very little” early this morning.

I guess we whites can be lazy too, because I should be cleaning now, but instead I’m typing this. After this, I’m going to enter sweeps and do more proofreading.

Tom is going to pawn the TV and Mac tomorrow. It’s nice to know we can do this and get the money we need, but it still pisses me off that we not only have to do this but are doing it for a guy who doesn’t need the money. He bugs us, his dogs annoy the hell out of me, and he’s loaded, yet we’re giving this stuff up for him. What’s wrong with that picture?

Jessie says she too, is worried about her and David’s jobs.

I just hope that between the horses, my prayers and spells, and my helping to jinx-write lots of money coming our way, we’ll find our home in the Mojave Desert by 2010. I want to be queen of the desert again! I miss it all; the dry heat, the fierce winds, the wild monsoon storms. The only scary thing about going extreme rural like we’d be going is that here, if he got hurt I could call and an ambulance would pick him up in minutes. Not where we’re talking about going! We’d also have to get a gun if we didn’t get one here. The snakes don’t bother me. I’ve lived with them before. There wouldn’t be bears or wolves, but there could be big cats. Cougars in particular. And of course, I wouldn’t like rejoining the tarantulas, but I’ve survived them before. If I can deal with the baby tarantulas we had invading the Sonoran Desert house, I’ll deal with them again. The idea is to go where no one else is around and to a place that’s not building up, the land being divvied up like crazy. So what if we had to take an icebox and drive an hour a few times a week to go grocery shopping? It sure would beat him having to drive 50 minutes from Maricopa to Mesa and back like he used to 5 days a week.

Gas prices are lower than they were before we went to Oregon!

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

I’m desert dreamin’ of a bigger piece of land but with a smaller house next time around. Oh, how I miss the desert and hope we’ll one day be back in it, even if it won’t be the same desert!

Tom got $36 for selling CDs and DVDs I’ve won over the last year and $600 for pawning the TV and the Mac which he says actually has a 20” screen and not a 22”. Either way, I’ve still got mixed emotions about the whole thing. I’m glad to get the money we need but tired of these poor spells. Whatever possessed God to decide we don’t deserve to have money? I’m tired of Him letting others have it all for nothing! Meanwhile, we work our asses off just to live like little bums! What’s wrong with THAT picture? I try to tell myself it’s better than living in some third-world country, but this is still bad enough. Why compare or try to play down something when it’s bad enough in itself? It’s good that we’ll be ok for at least a while, but bad that we’re still going through this shit this late in life.

He’s got 4½ months to buy the stuff back for $660. That’s a lot of money if he can only get a shitty-paying job and the horses turn out to be a joke yet again. Of course, I’m still wondering if he’s going to get a job in the first place!

Next time I win something good, I’ll know better. I’ll know that it’s not just for our own enjoyment, but something to pawn next time whatever’s up there feels like whipping our asses with money problems for the millionth time. It sure would be nice to win another TV of the same or greater size and be able to just forget about this one. If not we WILL get the stuff back. I’ve already decided that one way or the other, Jesse’s going to pay whatever we can’t. We’ll pay him back, we’ll give him collateral, but he IS going to help us if we need it. We’re not going to suffer to make a rich man richer!

I do NOT want to do another 40 years or so in the poorhouse! It’s just too hard, too stressful. It’s simply no way to live. That program HAS to work this time around or I HAVE to win big. Even if it’s just enough to buy a place of our own. But I know I should quit dreaming and just accept my fate as it is, for that’s all anyone can do. A poor person is who I was meant to be. Just like I was meant to be short.

Thursday, November 27, 2008

How many more days, weeks or months am I going to have to see Obama’s fucking face everywhere I go on the web! God, I’m so sick of it and hearing about the same damn people over and over again! Everything’s black this, black that. Meanwhile, whites, and especially gays, continue to get shit on and treated like 2nd class citizens.

Meanwhile, there’s not much to do at nearly 6:00 in the morning. I’m done sweeping, so I guess I could do some story-proofing. The fucking dogs are going to be going off any minute, so I’ll put the sound machine on so I’m not interrupted.

I hope Mary goes home soon. I really do! I’m just worried she’s going to go right back to her old ways. Abusive guys and having babies like crazy were all she knew. I hope she’ll choose life over children, but it’s like she doesn’t think she can live or will be complete without them. As it is she’s already talking about moving in with Nathan. Not right away, and he may not be like most other guys she’s known, but the point’s still the same. First it was Todd, then Jose, and now Nathan. I’ve tried to point out to her that she doesn’t need a man to survive, and that if she wants a shot at doing the things she says she wants to do, then she can’t be tied down by a baby. And who knows if she could even afford one with the fortune they cost these days, not to mention the fact that there are enough damn people in this world and we don’t need anymore. In the end, though, it’s her life. If she’s going to throw it away on babies and bad boys, well, that’s her choice.

Well, well, Amber decided to unsubby from my journal. So I subbied to hers instead! Then I’ll drop her as well. I love to ruffle this bitch’s feathers.

Yay, Florida for doing the right thing and overturning a bigoted ban on gays adopting! It’s the person that makes a parent, not the gender or marital status, although I am all for banning the poor from parenting, as well as other children. No one should have kids under 30, but I’d be willing to extend that down to 25 in some cases. If it was a male judge, though, the ban probably wouldn’t have been overturned. They’re just more hateful for some reason.

With half the kids being born to singles these days, it’s amazing the religious bigots aren’t trying to take them away!

Friday, November 28, 2008

I know Apple’s expensive and that $50 doesn’t go a long way with them, but it’s my Christmas present to Tom anyway, which I’m sure he’ll love. He just may not get to use it till after the promotion ends on the day before Christmas.

Thanksgiving turned out to be quiet. Tom didn’t see Jesse’s truck, his dogs, or the freeloader’s dogs, which is good considering that the dangerous one is a pit bull.

Saturday, November 29, 2008

I’ve been having trouble getting back on track since jumping up two pounds to 136, mostly because of hunger. So I decided that since I don’t mind being fat and was mostly out to just get in shape and get to where bending over to trim my toenails was easier, I’m just not going to lose any more weight if the hunger persists. This is where I usually plateau anyway.

I agree with Tom that I don’t look 136, but more like between 120-125. It’s cuz of the muscle.

It rained a couple of days ago and each time it does it gets a little greener out there. The leaves have thinned out a bit, but we still have major privacy. It’s the dogs I could do without. They went barking by in the afternoon and I saw one of the dogs heading up towards Jesse’s place, though it’s still been quieter overall. That’s good too, cuz as long as we don’t shoot these dogs, they’re going to be here as long as we are. If money ever improves we’ll have to decide if we want to do something about them (since no one else will) or do we just live with them?

I hate the cooler weather! My robe keeps me nice and warm, but I hate being bundled up like this. It really restricts my movements and the sleeves get in the way and catch on things all the time.

Sunday, November 30, 2008

Got a long letter from Mary. The good news is that Nathan’s starting a blog and is going to post her writings. She’s going to send him short stories she’s written for him to type and post.

The bad news is that her case has been bumped up to March. She thought she’d be home for Christmas for sure, so she’s bummed out. I, of course, am not the least bit surprised. She didn’t need to hear this from me, so I didn’t say anything, but if there’s really ever an end or any kind of closure to her case, they’re going to drag it out as long as possible. I still think she’s going to end up in prison with the max, or more than she ever expected she’d get, which would be something her lawyer may not tell her. He may be a paid lawyer as opposed to a public pretender, but that still doesn’t mean I’d trust him to be completely honest and open as to the extent of possibilities that could go wrong. I think that given the times, the nature of the case, and the fact that she’s white, they’re going to want to keep her in for as many more childbearing years as they possibly can. She’s got about 14 of those left, but they may very well figure that the more they can take from her, the less likely she’ll be to have more kids with abusive guys who only want to abuse them.

Anyway, I hit a couple of instants. I won a Birds Eye Steamfresh Meals for Two coupon which has a $9 value, and a $5 Chevron GC!

I dropped back down to 135 pounds, too.

[alliynl]

05/12/24

09:10am 📍Philippines

Hii! Here’s a life update about what happened in April, last week in school, and overall in my life right now. I’m really happy! I met him, and we’ve been talking, and honestly, he’s the reason I’m feeling this way. He makes me so happy with his compliments and the way he treats me. Just looking at him fills me with gratitude. He gives me amazing, memorable gifts and treats me so nicely—I still can’t believe I pulled him😵‍💫

If I could send him a message, it would be: “Hii my kit!, I just want to say thank you for coming into my life. In just a month, every moment with you has been incredible. I’m so grateful to have you as my best friend—I can share anything with you, and I truly love having you by my side. Even through tough times, I’m glad we have each other. If you ever need support, know that I’m here for you. Remember, you’re always pogi, talented, and smart, and that’s just one of the reasons I love you. You have my heart, always.❤️‍🔥”

Last week of school was really nice—no Chinese exams! We did have English exams, but honestly, it’s fine. I cried on the last day of normal classes because of my teacher. Her words were so touching; she told us that even when life gets tough, we always have people who can make it memorable and amazing. She said to always rest and never forget to be happy.

I appreciate my classmates and friends so much—they’re the reason my classroom doesn’t feel like a strange and quiet place. I really hope I won’t be moved to another section again! Manifesting for good grades and passing marks! 🤞🏻

I’ll probably end it here because I’m not sure how to continue.👺

[sebscore]

Hello! Same anon from the charles x sister ask (not the dentist one). I love the recent fic! I cant think of anything specific that I would love to read, maybe just some cute sibling fluff between charles and reader, if not all the siblings? Thanks, you’re doing great!!

A SILVERSTONE WEEKEND | LECLERC BROTHERS

pairings: charles leclerc x sister!reader / lorenzo leclerc x sister!reader / arthur leclerc x sister!reader / pierre gasly x leclerc!reader / ollie bearman x leclerc!reader / isa hernáez x leclerc!reader

warnings: reader is a teenager. mention of flying. swearing.

author's note: thanks for the leclerc!sister resurrection on my blog! I hope you enjoy this fic and let me know what you think of it!

• • • • • • •

Silverstone was the first race of the new racing season the youngest Leclerc sibling attended. Her summer break had just started and a small trip to England seemed the right way to celebrate the end of the school year.

Since her brothers were already in England, she had to travel on her own as her mother had to stay in Monaco for work. It had been an anxious experience, but Lorenzo would pick her up at the airport and right away they would drive to the circuit to watch Arthur's sprint race and Charles' qualifying.

''Did they take care of you on the plane?'' The eldest brother hadn't been too keen on his little sister traveling alone without any kind of chaperone to accompany her.

Y/N nodded her head, handing her suitcase to her brother. ''Yeah, they were very nice to me,'' she eased his worries, ''but can you tell Charles that I'm fine with flying coach? I was the only person sitting in first class, it was embarrassing sitting there all alone.'' She was grateful her brother had gotten her a great seat on the plane, but she found all the luxuries a bit unnecessary.

Lorenzo laughed at words, imagining his sister sitting all alone while stewardesses attend to her every need. ''He wanted to be sure you had people there to help you in case you needed it,'' his hand moved to hold his sister's, ''by the way, at first he wanted to put you on a private plane, so be grateful you got to fly commercial.''

They made their way out of the airport and into his car, on their way to Silverstone. It would take them about an hour to get there, maybe with some extra traffic. ''How did Arthur's qualifying go yesterday? I didn't check it.'' She asked him, after sending their mother a message that she had arrived safely.

''P2, so today he starts P11 and tomorrow he's on the front row.'' Lorenzo answered her, explaining Arthur's starting positions. ''That's great.''

''Have you eaten anything?''

Y/N shook her head. ''No, I woke up too late and didn't have time to eat breakfast, and I didn't eat anything on the plane, because I was scared everything would, uh, come back up again.''

''You still get sick on planes? How many times have you flown now.'' Lorenzo chuckled, surprised his sister still got motion sickness while on planes.

She shrugged her shoulders. ''It's not like I have control over it, Enzo.''

''We'll eat at the track then, they have a lot of good stuff there.''

Eventually, they arrived at the circuit and walked to the Ferrari hospitality. It was Y/N's first time at the British Grand Prix, so she attentively observed the F1 paddock. The oldest and youngest sibling ran into an old family friend, Pierre Gasly. ''Enzo and Little Leclerc.'' He greeted them, hugging Lorenzo and giving Y/N a peck on the cheek.

''It's been a while since I last saw you, Y/N!'' Pierre said, not even being able to recall when he last saw the young girl. ''I know, it's good to see you.''

She was quite close with the Frenchman as their families were. They had been on vacations together and of course she would see him when she came to support Charles. Her brother and the Alpha Tauri driver even used to be in charge of babysitting her when she was still a toddler, although that didn't always go as planned.

''She finally has a break from school.'' Lorenzo explained to him, his arm going around her shoulder. Pierre nodded, forgetting sometimes that the girl still went to school.

He ruffled her hair. ''I have to go, but root for me, alright? I'm still your favorite driver, I hope?'' Pierre joked, referring to the time Y/N had teased Charles by saying that Pierre was her favorite Formula 1 driver.

''Yeah, of course,'' she jokingly rolled her eyes, ''bye, Pierre!'' They bid him goodbye and wished him luck in the qualifying later.

After a few more minutes of walking, they made it to the Ferrari hospitality where they could already see Arthur, Joris, Andrea and Charles waiting for them at one of the tables. As soon as the latter saw his younger sister, he stood up and embraced her in a hug. ''You're finally here.'' Charles sighed.

She smiled up at him and walked around the table greeting everyone else. ''I for sure thought you would step on the wrong plane and get lost.'' Arthur teased her, ruffling her hair like Pierre did earlier.

Y/N took the seat in-between Charles and Arthur, wanting to sit near her brothers as the new environment and people made her a bit uneasy. ''Yeah, you wish I got lost.''

Lorenzo offered to get himself and his sister some food, to which she protested saying that she should at least help him with it. ''No, no! You catch up with everyone, it's no big deal.'' She hesitated, but ultimately gave up and let him go alone.

''Maman send us your grades, they were really good!'' Charles spoke up, the picture of her school results popping into his mind. Y/N nodded, proud of herself for the great results. ''Thank you.''

''She send them to everyone in her contact book.'' Arthur commented, getting a laugh out of everyone. ''I even got a message saying how you had the best results in your class.'' Andrea added, the youngest Leclerc's grades had been the topic of the week.

Charles sat up straight, suddenly remembering something. ''Oh, yeah! We got you something, to congratulate you!'' He rummaged through his bag, pulling out a crumpled white envelope.

He handed it over to his sister, letting his arm hang around the back of her chair. ''It's from your lovely brothers.'' The grins on Arthur and Charles' faces gave her some trust issues about this ''gift''.

''If it's another signed picture of Arthur, I don't want it.'' She pretended to hand the envelope over again. The brothers laughed but shook their heads, that joke had become outdated after the countless times the youngest brother had pulled it. ''It's not that! It's actually something serious this time.'' Arthur assured her, coming across as genuine.

Y/N hesitantly opened the envelope, revealing multiple gift cards for several luxury fashion brands like Chanel, Dior and Versace. She observed the cards with wide eyes, in disbelief her brothers would actually get her a useful gift.

''Oh, thank you so much!'' Her arms first went around Charles, giving him a kiss on the cheek and afterwards doing the same with Arthur.

Bright smiles appeared on the brother's faces, delighted that their baby sister liked their gift. ''You can go shopping with Maman or Charlotte when you're back home.'' Charles suggested. ''Or Carla?'' Arthur added, including his girlfriend.

Lorenzo made it back to their table, holding a plate of pasta for the young girl. ''Oh, you already got your gift! You like it, Chérie?'' It had been a last-minute kind of situation to get her the cards, having to wait whether her grades were good or not.

''Yeah, thank you so much, Enzo!'' Just like before with Charles and Arthur, she gave her oldest brother a hug and a kiss on the cheek.

''Eat up now!''

''Arthur Leclerc crossed the line to take the win!''

Y/N proudly watched her brother take the checkered flag, already making her way to the barricades with her siblings to congratulate him on the victory. Much to her surprise, the first person Arthur ran up to was his sister instead of his engineer or other two brothers.

Normally she would push his sweaty form away, but this time she reciprocated the firm grip he had on her. ''You looked so cool, Thur! It was awesome!'' She practically yelled, not sure how much he could actually hear of it.

Arthur was semi-relieved he had his helmet on, knowing his sister would have teased him for a long time if she had seen the big smile that appeared on his face. He felt a hint of pride in himself as it was the first time Arthur was called ''cool'' by his younger sibling, at least the first time he had heard the words come out of her own mouth.

''Can we get a picture with the four Leclercs?'' One of the photographers asked them, holding his camera up. The three brothers glanced at their sister, knowing she isn't used to getting her picture taken like the rest of them. Y/N slowly nods her head, putting her arm around Charles' waist.

Arthur took a step back, taking off his helmet and balaclava for the photo. ''Do I look fine?'' He asked no one in particular.

''No, but it will do.'' She teased him, resulting in a slap on the arm from him.

The Formula 3 champion of the day wiped some sweat from his face before reaching his arm over his sister's shoulder. The four of them smile for the camera and wait until the photographer gives them a thumbs up.

''Arthur, you stink.'' Y/N tried to take a step away from him, but he pulled her back into him and rubbed his sweaty face all over the top of her hair. ''Ew! Get away from me!'' She pushed him off of her, her disgusted expression amusing her brothers very much.

''Leclerc, get on the podium!''

Y/N couldn't help but take out her phone and film as her brother took the top step, proudly lifting his trophy in the air and spraying the champagne around. She sent the video to their mom, who couldn't have been more delighted for her son's first F3 win of the season.

''Oh, this bitch.'' Y/N mumbled to herself as Arthur was nowhere in sight.

Not too long after his podium ceremony, she had to use the bathroom. Arthur had suggested she used the one at the Prema hospitality as it was the closest one to them. Charles had to go get ready for his own race and Lorenzo joined him, telling the two youngest to meet them at his Ferrari garage.

Arthur said he would wait for her outside the bathroom and that they would go together, since the youngest Leclerc was unfamiliar with the space and their mother would kill the three brothers if they lost her. Yet, no Arthur in sight.

Y/N stood frozen in her place, not wanting to snoop around looking for her brother and potentially walk into the wrong room.

''You okay there?'' A thick British accent interrupted her internal panic, slightly flinching at the sudden appearance of someone.

She turned around and was met with a guy she guessed was around her age, and towered a bit over her. He looked familiar, she just couldn't seem to place him. ''Uh, yeah, uh, my brother- he was supposed to wait for me here and now he's gone…'' She managed to stutter out, feeling nervous under the young man's gaze.

''Arthur was called down by one of the team members to discuss the race, that can take while actually.'' He explained his absence, pointing at one of the rooms where Arthur seemed to be.

Y/N nodded, understanding. ''Ah, wait- you know my brother?'' She frowned, she didn't even tell him it was Arthur she was looking for.

The guy nervously chuckled, realizing she had no idea who he was. ''Yeah, we're teammates! I'm Ollie, Ollie Bearman.''

''Oh my god, of course! You were on the podium as well, congrats.'' Maybe she should start to pay more attention to the jobs of her brothers. ''Sorry, it's the first time I've been to a Grand Prix this year.'' She apologized.

''It's okay, really,'' Ollie brushed it off, ''you need to get somewhere or?''

She nodded her head. ''My brother is racing and I need to get to the Ferrari garage, but I have no idea how I'm supposed to get there.''

''Well if you want I can get you to the F1 paddock? I don't have a special pass, so I can't show you where the garage is, unfortunately.'' He suggested, a soft smile settled on his face.

His offer to help her brought a red blush to her cheeks. ''That would be really sweet, thank you so much.''

''Don't worry about it.'' The walk to the entrance of the F1 paddock hadn't been too long, but long enough so the young pair could get to know each other more.

In the beginning it was a little hard to get the conversation going as this was the first time the two ever met, but soon enough Ollie was sharing stories about his young karting days and his little sister's show jumping. ''My mum didn't want her to do karting.''

Y/N chuckled. ''Mine was the same! My dad always tried to persuade her, but it never worked.'' Pascale had seen the bruises her son's would come home with, there was no way she would let her daughter have the same.

''You've never karted then?''

''I've done it a few times with my brothers, but they always make it into a competition and it's not fun that way.'' She explained, recalling the few times she did go karting and ended up almost being pushed off the track by Charles and Arthur.

''I get that- oh, here we are.'' They had arrived at the entrance, both of them a bit disappointed that they had to part ways already. ''I don't think it should be too hard to find out where the garage is once you're inside.'' He assured her.

''Thanks, Ollie,'' she smiled at him, ''I really appreciate it.''

His face mirrored hers. ''No problem, uh, I'll see you around then?'' He hoped to see more of the Leclerc girl, she was very charming and unlike Arthur had claimed to him and Jak, she seemed greatly intelligent.

''Yes, I'll see you, bye!'' Y/N offered a small wave and turned around to make her way into the paddock, hoping that one way or another she would find her brother's garage.

Ollie's assurance that it wouldn't be too hard to find was the biggest lie she had heard all day. She already doesn't have the best sense of orientation and the large amount of people roaming the paddock, weren't making it any easier.

An idea popped into her head, one that she should have come up with from the beginning.

Phoning up her brothers.

Charles wasn't going to pick up, that was a given. So then she tried Lorenzo whose phone must have either died or put on silent since it didn't even go through. The last option was Arthur and like she thought, that man was never going to answer one of her calls ever. At least they couldn't say that she didn't try.

But someone must have listened to her prayers. ''Y/N?'' A voice next to her pulled her out of her thoughts, a hand laid on her shoulder. ''You okay?''

Y/N glimpsed to her side and saw Isa, Carlos' girlfriend, looking at her with concern in her eyes. ''Oh, I- I can't find my brothers.''

Isa's concerned expression changed to a relieved one, glad nothing too bad had happened to the young girl. ''I know where they are, come on.'' The older woman held out her hand, which Y/N immediately took.

''I haven't seen you since last year! How have you been?'' Her and Isa had met on a few other occasions ever since Carlos became Charles' teammate. She was very fond of her and the Spanish woman always complimented the girl.

''School just ended, so I'm doing really well.'' She nervously grinned, flustered about holding hands with her.

Isa laughed at her words. ''Oh, yeah! Charlotte said something about it, smartest girl of the class?'' She teased, quoting the words her friend had told her.

Turns out that the Ferrari garages hadn't been too far and she had been going the entirely wrong way as she and Isa were already making their way through the halls that would lead to Charles'.

''There you are!'' Lorenzo exclaimed upon noticing his sister walking in with Isa, running up to her and taking her into his arms. ''Thank you so much!'' He told Isa, who brushed it off and bid them goodbye to go support her boyfriend.

A guilty-looking Arthur appeared from behind Lorenzo. ''I'm so sorry! I wasn't away for that long, but when I got back you were already gone.'' He apologized, genuine regret audible in his voice.

''It's fine, Ollie helped me and I ran into Isa as well.'' She wasn't too mad about it, this was one of those things that she could blackmail him with for a long time.

''Ollie? My teammate? He helped you?'' The puzzled expression on Arthur's face caused a chuckle to escape.

Y/N nodded. ''Yeah, he brought me to the paddock! Very nice guy.'' The shy smile that played on her lips wasn't amusing to the youngest Leclerc brother.

''You made sure to thank him, right?'' Lorenzo didn't seem to mind that a young man her age had spent time with her, he was just relieved she had somehow found her way to them. ''Of course, Enzo.''

''What did you even talk about with him?'' Arthur continued asking, confused as to why his teammate wanted to help his sister in the first place.

His sister gave him a glare. ''One more question and I'm telling Maman you left me all alone, alright?'' The protective older brother act didn't suit Arthur at all.

''Let's focus on Charles now, okay? You two have had your moment to shine.'' Lorenzo interrupted.

''Hey! I could have been kidnapped or something!''

''Too bad you weren't- Auw! Enzo, she hit my arm!''

''You deserved it, Arthur.''

[yuujispinkhair]

Great, now I can’t decide on being Yuji’s housewife or Yuji being my househusband. wuwuwuwuwuwu

Aww that is so true!! Both would be perfect!! I wrote some headcanons for both versions, so you can decide which one you prefer :)

Pairing: Yuuji x Reader (female) Genre: fluff + smut Word Count: 1.5k Warnings: 18+, some smutty scenes, oral, fingering, creampie. All characters are of age. This story is 18+. Minors don't interact.

Version 1: Being Yuuji's housewife

Being Yuuji's housewife who stays at home while Yuuji, your hero, goes on missions to keep the city safe. Either as a Jujutsu sorcerer or as a firefighter. You are so proud of your husband, and anytime you tell him, he gets the cutest blush on his cheeks and the happiest smile on his handsome face.

Yuuji is so grateful for you to be so patient and understanding of his work schedule and that he sometimes has to leave the house at ungodly hours.

His job can be tough and emotionally draining. But anytime Yuuji looks at his lock screen on his phone and sees your face, he knows that he will make it through this day too because he knows at home you are waiting for him, ready to comfort him and love him, and that gives him the strength to go on.

"I am so lucky to have you, baby. Thank you so much for taking such good care of me!" Yuuji truly means it! It's so comforting to know that you are looking after the household, taking this weight off his shoulders, and making his apartment a real home filled with love and warmth.

There are also evenings when Yuuji comes home all riled up because he encountered some stuff at work that made him angry or sad, and now he needs you so much to help him fuck all those negative feelings away. He is so grateful that you let him take you as hard as he needs on those nights.

It's the best stress relief for him to pound your wet pussy until both of you scream from pleasure. And suddenly, your usually so gentle husband is using all his strength to push your face into the pillow and fuck you so rough that you see stars.

Yuuji brings you flowers every week to show you how happy he is that you stay at home and are his sweet housewife. He is grinning from ear to ear and kissing you tenderly when he presses the bouquet into your arms and thanks you for your hard work. Other guys might not see all the work you do at home, but Yuuji knows how much effort it takes to look after a household, and he is genuinely so grateful for everything you do.

Yuuji doesn't have much time during his workday, but he still makes sure to send you short texts or pictures from work, making you smile fondly at your phone. It's so sweet to see how he thinks of you, even during his busy work schedule.

Firefighter Yuuji makes you go "aww" when he sends you pictures of the animals he rescued from trees or burning houses. "Look at this little man who got stuck on a tree!" And on Yuuji's broad shoulders sits a fluffy cat that snuggles gratefully against your husband while Yuuji grins into the camera and makes a thumbs-up pose.

Jujutsu sorcerer Yuuji sends you pictures of interesting places he visits during his missions. He knows that you tend to get worried about him, so he uses those little messages to reassure you. A sign that he is ok and will come home to you again. And there is always an "I love you, baby." at the end of every message. Because Yuuji knows that his work is dangerous, and if something should happen to him, he wants you to know how he feels about you.

As hard as his job is, Yuuji still helps so much with the household chores! That's just the way he is. You don't have to tell him to take out the trash or to please help with the dishes. Those are things Yuuji does without needing a reminder.

And there are also a lot of occasions on which sweet Yuuji tells you that tonight he is in charge of dinner and you should just take a nice bath or watch your fave show. After all, he loves cooking and, even more importantly, he loves you, and he knows how tiring it can be to do the same household tasks every single day. He did that for several years while his grandpa was too sick to do those things. So he understands that sometimes you need a break too!

Yuuji makes you feel appreciated and loved. And even though you usually just wear your ratty sweatpants or leggings and Yuuji's hoodies with no makeup and unstyled hair, you always feel desired because Yuuji shows you and tells you how much he wants you and how pretty and sexy you are to him.

You might be cleaning the sink when your husband suddenly hugs you from behind, kisses your neck, and lets his large warm hands wander under your shirt to caress your tits and then slip one hand into your pants to play with you while his hoarse voice whispers in your ear how crazy you drive him. "My sexy cutie. The cutest housewife ever. I think you should take a break now, baby. Let me take care of you now."

And your strong and sexy husband picks you up in his muscular arms and carries you to your bed, where he shows you how much he appreciates his cute little housewife by making you cum over and over again on his thick cock while telling you how good you are for him.

All in all, being Yuuji's housewife is a very nice and relaxed job. He helps so much and is so full of praise and appreciation for your work!

Version 2: Househusband Yuuji

Househusband Yuuji is the sweetest thing to come home to after a stressful day at work! He greets you with that bright sunshine smile on his pretty face and a tight and warm hug. That happy sparkle in his honey eyes is pure serotonin to you, and the feeling of that firm, tall body full of muscles and warmth is very comforting!

A yummy dinner is waiting for you every night. Staying at home gave Yuuji a chance to excel even more at cooking. He loves to watch cooking shows and learn new recipes. And he is amazing at it! You eat better than in most restaurants!

Househusband Yuuji is your safe place. He always listens to you when you need to pour your heart out. His tight warm hugs and reassuring words always make you feel better.

And Yuuji lets you be soft. While at work, you have to be strong and act professionally, here at home, you can melt into Yuuji's strong arms and use his buff chest as your pillow while he strokes your hair and lets you vent.

His growled, "I will punch that idiot if he ever rats you out to your boss again," when you complain about your asshole coworker, makes you smile. The knowledge that Yuuji, who used to get called The Tiger of West Junior High and beat up bullies in high school, would actually do that if you wanted, is so comforting. Even though you would never ask him to do that for real because you don't want your sweet man to get in trouble.

Househusband Yuuji always prepares a lunchbox for you. And your workday gets so much better anytime you find a cute little message in it. A scribbled "I love you, cutie!" or "Don't let them get you down. You got this, baby!" or other sweet and encouraging things. And you always get the best bento with cute animal faces and everything. All your coworkers are jealous of your lunchbox and that you have such a super hot and supportive husband at home.

Yuuji is good at housework! He is used to it since he had to learn how to do all chores, cook, and manage a household when he was still a teenager. He used to live alone and look after himself, so he knows what he's doing. And Yuuji is very committed to pleasing you and giving you a comfy and clean home to relax in after work. He takes his work as a househusband very seriously!

Househusband Yuuji also looks lovingly after every pet you might get. And, of course, after your kids, if you have any. He is such a loving daddy for pets and kids! So sweet and protective and fun. You come home to loud laughter and squealing when Yuuji plays games with your toddler and/or pet. It instantly manages to brighten your day when you hear those happy sounds.

Househusband Yuuji is a very caring man who knows exactly how to take care of you after a stressful day at work. You forget all your problems when Yuuji's pretty face is buried between your spread thighs, and his sweet lips and tongue make love to your pussy until you are a sobbing and happy mess.

While your boss might not praise you for all the hard work, Yuuji never gets tired of telling you how proud he is of you! He is balls-deep in you, dicking you down so good that you scratch his muscular back with your fingernails, and all the while, his sweet sexy voice moans the sweetest praise into your ear.

"You are such a good girl, so hard working. I am so proud of you, princess. Does this feel good, baby? You deserve to cum so hard, baby." And you always do. Yuuji makes sure of that. And so you cum on his cock, on his tongue, or on his fingers, moaning his name and crying from all the love and pleasure your husband gives to you.

No matter how challenging your job is, coming home to your loving and sexy househusband and getting a nice creampie almost every night makes everything good again.

Thank you so much for reading! And also thank you so much for sending me this ask!! It made me so happy to imagine those scenarios!! I am more the housewife type, so I will pick version 1 :) I know Yuuji would be so appreciative awww. It warms my heart to think about him!

Which version do you choose? :) Please let me know how you liked these little headcanons. Comments and reblogs make me happy :)

[flosbelova]

I’ll Always Protect You

florence pugh x fem!reader

warnings: mention of death threats.

word count: 1.7k

summary: you and florence had been dating for a while. when she posts you on her Instagram, you receive a bunch of hate comments and florence defends you and your relationship.

request from @the-loving-quotes​

Dating Florence Pugh has been one of the greatest decisions you have ever made in your life. You both have managed to keep your relationship lowkey until she randomly posts you on her Instagram. It was a photo of you looking at this mountain view at sunset from the balcony. She captioned it “My happy place.” 

Your heart started to race as soon as you saw a photo of yourself on her Instagram-- and the fact that she tagged you almost made you pass out.

You looked through her comments and let’s just say most of it wasn't what you would have expected. Some were positive-- for example, there were comments that read:

“OH MY GOSH IT CONFIRMED! I'M SO HAPPY”

“I’m so proud of you <3”

“You guys are the absolute cutest!”

Then, there were comments that weren’t so positive. It was a mixture of homophobic comments and comments that said “Florence deserves better.”

Of course, they hurt, but you didn’t mind at first and chose to focus on the more positive comments. 

-

A couple days pass and you also decide to post Florence on your Instagram. As you hit “post,” your phone instantly started buzzing with notifications. Again, the comments were all a mixture of the positives and the negatives. However, you wanted to focus on the positive side and ignored the comments.

-

You posted Florence on your Instagram story, and you received a lot of DM’s. Although you don’t open your DM’s, you decided to check just for the hell of it. As soon as you swiped to your message requests, you instantly regretted swiping. 

“Kill yourself. You don’t deserve Florence.”

Tears started to well up in your eyes, but you quickly wiped them away when you heard Florence come into the living room.

“Dinner’s ready, darling,” she says, holding a wooden spoon.

“Hm? Oh, right. I’ll be there in a sec,” you respond.

“Is everything alright, love?” she walks towards you with a concerned look on her face.

You take a deep breath. “Yes, everything’s fine.” You clench your jaw hoping Florence would drop the subject.

She pouts and looks at you with worry. Florence knows every little detail about you. She knows that nothing is ever “fine,” when it follows with you clenching your jaw. However, Florence doesn’t like to overstep on your boundaries, so she drops the subject and figures she’ll ask you later. 

“Alright, love. C’mon, let's eat. I’ve made your favorite,” she says, giving you a soft smile.

-

You loved Florence’s cooking and you always made sure to compliment her dishes whenever she cooked. However, tonight was quiet. The two of you sat in silence, quietly eating your dinner. 

You were grateful that Florence knew to get off your back whenever you were in a mood. That’s one of the things that you appreciated most about her, her ability to understand your emotions and how you cope with them. 

You knew that she would eventually ask you what happened as you have both communicated that suffering in silence wasn’t healthy.

You finished dinner early and asked yourself to be excused. You headed to bed as soon as you finished your meal. Florence stayed in the kitchen to tidy up and to give you some more space.

-

Laying on your side, you couldn’t help but to grab your phone and scroll through your notifications. As hurt as you were already, you were too stubborn to gain some self-control. As terrible as that message was, your comment section got even worse. Not only was it filled with homophobic comments, but you were also getting sent death threats. You had checked Florence’s account and pressed on your photo. You noticed that she turned off the comments.

You felt the bed behind you dip as an arm wrapped around your torso.

“Hi,” Florence whispers, and she rests her chin on your shoulder.

“Hi,” you weakly respond. You sigh as you turn your phone off and place it on the bedside table. You turn around in Florence’s arm and face her.

Florence gave you a worried smile and she wiped the tears on your face. You were so busy scrolling through the hate comments that you hadn’t noticed that tears were falling from your eyes.

“Oh, my love.” Florence places a gentle kiss on your forehead. She then looks at you with worry in her eyes. Florence couldn’t imagine what was going through your mind.

“I know you saw the comments,” she begins, “I saw them too. As soon as I saw the hate comments, I immediately turned them off.”

You sniffled and took a deep breath. “I got death threats,” you say, your voice breaking.

“What?” Florence says, appalled. Florence could feel her heart race and feel herself be filled with rage.

“That’s it, I’m making a post, this is unbelievable,” Florence says getting up to get her phone.

“No, please, you don’t have to,” you plead, “it’ll only make things worse.”

“No it won’t, Y/n, I promise you,” Florence says, already typing in her notes.

“You can’t promise me something that you have no control over,” you say coldly.

Florence pauses. She looks over at you, takes a deep breath and pouts. She stares at you for a while, studying your face. Florence is the type of person to defend the people she loves and doesn’t care if it will give her a bad rep. You just so happen to be one of the people that Florence loves, and she will do whatever it takes to defend you and her love for you.

“It doesn’t matter, what matters is that someone I love is being sent death threats, so please, let me say something,” she says, reaching for your hand.

“I really don’t deserve you,” you sigh.

“You do Y/n, you deserve every bit of me as much as I deserve every bit of you,” Florence says, caressing your cheek. 

-

A few days passed and Florence posted a video on her Instagram regarding the hate you had been receiving. 

“To my “fans,” who have sent a tremendous amount of hate to my girlfriend, Y/n, kindly unfollow me. I do not need your negativity towards my relationship with her. The hate you throw at her is hate you throw at me. The death threats you throw at her, are also death threats you throw at me. It is not your place to tell me who I should and should not love, nor is it any of your business. I do not appreciate the comments you have thrown at her. She does not deserve it, and nor do I. I am happy with Y/n. She makes me a better person. So please, leave my relationship alone and stop sending my girlfriend death threats. I will not ask again.”

After watching the video, you were in shock. Even if you had talked about it a couple days prior, you still didn’t expect that she would actually post it. Florence kept the comments on and fortunately, it was filled with massive support from other celebrities. You were grateful.

-

Florence had an interview with Jimmy Kimmel this week to discuss her recent and future projects. Of course, her video regarding your relationship was a topic of discussion. You stayed backstage and watched Florence’s interview from her dressing room.

“Okay, I think everyone here has seen the video that you had recently posted regarding your relationship,” Jimmy says.

“Yeah, I hope so,” Florence chuckles nervously.

“So tell me, if you’re comfortable, why you had said what you needed to say?” he asks.

“Did you watch the video?” Florence says sarcastically, earning a couple laughs from the crowd. “Um, I figured that I needed to. I mean my girlfriend was getting sent death threats for no apparent reason and it needed to stop.” This earned Florence a clap from the audience.

“That’s fair. God, the internet is so toxic, isn’t it?” Jimmy complains.

“Yeah,” Florence agreed. “Y/n and I had been dating for a while now and we’d managed to keep it lowkey. I just thought that when I’d finally posted her that I wouldn’t receive such horrid comments. Which is why I felt the need to address this because I hate seeing the people I love get hurt.”

A couple people from the crowd “Awwed”

“So, tell me what it is about Y/n that just makes you so in love with her?” Jimmy asked curiously.

Florence smiled as she thought about the things that she loved most about you. “Her smile was something that caught my eyes right off the bat. She has such a kind smile and I would do everything just to keep her smiling.”

The crowd “Awwed” again.

“Also, Y/n is so loving. She won’t admit it because she likes to be that “tough” person on the outside, but inside she’s a big softie. She gives the best cuddles. I also love how she makes me tea every time I come home from filming.”

“Aww, that must be nice. I think we all need a Y/n in our life, right?” Jimmy says.

The camera pans to the crowd who was cheering and nodding their heads.

“Well, too bad, Y/n is only one person and I’m the lucky girl who has her,” Florence says wittily. 

The crowd laughed and clapped.

“Alright, well it was lovely having you, Florence,” Jimmy says, shaking Florence’s hand. “And that’s all for tonight, we’ll see you tomorrow!”

-

On the ride home, you rested your head on Florence’s shoulders.

“You really had to call me out, didn’t you?” you ask.

“Yeah, maybe just a little,” Florence says, making a gesture.

You chuckle and look at her. “Did I ever tell you that you are the most beautiful woman I’d ever laid my eyes on?”

“Yes, Y/n, you tell me everyday,” she says, grabbing your cheek.

You smile and close the gap between you. Florence melts into the kiss and moves her hand to the back of your head, running her hands through your hair. You pull away to catch some air and Florence rests her forehead against yours.

“I love you, Flo. Thank you for everything.”

“I love you too Y/n. and don’t thank me, you know I’ll always protect you.”

The End