#graduate because im adaptable and good at making things work but i dont want the next four years of my life after high school to be

[septemberpdf]

.

[edwardsvirginity]

And now... I introduce my best friend to Eclipse! 

--0000000--

[riley’s first appearance]

Friend: who's that

mike?

(the rest of the commentary for the movie is under the readmore!)

--0000000--

[bella reciting the opening monologue: some say the world will end in fire…]

Friend: wow…drama queen

--0000000--

[Edward and bella in the meadow]

Friend: is this real or is this more of her crazy headspace

--0000000--

Edward: marry me

Bella: I have an English final

Friend: wow……. Rude

--0000000--

[Charlie grounding bella]

Friend: charlie…. is the only sane character tbh lmfao

he knows an abusive relationship when he sees one

--0000000--

[Edward sabatoges bella’s truck]

Friend:  Y I K E S

A B U S I V E

this is not romantic lol

--0000000--

Renee: I just want to make sure ur making the right choices for you

Friend: she's NOT

--0000000--

[renee gives bella the quilt from all their trips]

Friend: awwww

except she's selling out her fam for bloodsuckers

--0000000--

[all the cullens wait for Victoria in the forest]

Friend: is it whatshername

the redheaded bitch

--0000000--

Friend: i'm just gonna say….alice and carlisle are the only valid vampires

Me: whyso?

Friend: idk anything about jasper and emmett, edward is weird, who else even is there

--0000000--

Me: [pauses movie because a spider has appeared by my head and I’m freaking out]

[it lands on my laptop and I scream and close it]

Ok… we can resume

Friend: what happened?

Me: [explains]

Him: ? ? ? why didn't you kill it?!

Me: killing it requires getting close enough to touch it, and that's Too Close

i don't kill spiders

anyway

Him: what?!? lmfao

you don't kill spiders

Me: killing them is too scary

Him: i'd rather kill it and know it's dead than wonder where it is

wow

me: i just scream until someone else comes to do it for me

him: that's a lot to take in

--0000000--

[jake confronting Edward about being on their territory]

Edward: I was trying to protect u by not telling u abt Victoria

Friend: mmmm yikes

bella just needs to move tf back to florida

this is….Too Much

--0000000--

[bella goes to lapush]

Friend: tbh i like his pack

--0000000--

Leah: if ur here to torture jake some more u can leave

Friend: oooooh

burn

--0000000--

[movie introduces imprinting]

Friend: tbh i think that whole concept is insane™ and i dont get it

bc it like absolves you of your own…actions

& removes the other person's choice

it's really fucking creepy

--0000000--

Friend: also it would be soooo weird to be able to read people's thoughts

Me: i know it would freak me out

i would hate being able to hear everything my packmates thought

Friend: i don't need anyone else to know how horny i am

--0000000--

[Jacob arguing with bella about the cullens]

Jacob: theyre not even alive

Friend: "they're not even alive" y i k e s

--0000000--

[riley creeping in bella’s house]

Friend: man i'd be sleepin with a shotgun lmfao

& like 12 dogs

--0000000--

[Edward yelling at bella abt bella disappearing with jake]

Me: he’s so overprotective

Friend: she needs it tho

Me: because she's such a danger magnet?

Friend: um….yeah

& she is a fucking damsel in distress

she has no power of her own :((

--0000000--

Friend: he's so…ugly

me: Edward?

Friend: yeah ……….

--0000000--

[Jake appears shirtless]

Edward: doesn’t he own a shirt

Friend: “doesn't he own a shirt"

LMFAO edward voicing my thoughts

--0000000--

[Edward kissing bella before passing her off to jake, who immediately hugs her]

Friend: the way they …. fight with each other by using her body :|

--0000000--

Friend: what do native americans think of this?

Me: [explains]

Friend: so what is the redeeming quality of these movies exactly lmfao

Me: they’re… fun?

Friend: i guess

like indiana jones

racist trash, but fun(?)

--0000000--

Me: I hate his sideburns in this movie

Friend: don't think they're that bad

his whole face tho is not great

especially pale af

--0000000--

[nonconsensual kiss scene]

Jake: ill fight until ur heart stops beating

Bella: u wont have to wait for long

Friend: YIKES

--0000000--

[Edward and Jake fighting post-punch]

Jake: she’s not sure what she wants

Friend: Y I K E S

--0000000--

[Carlisle bandaging bella]

Friend: carlisle is so hot

i wanna marry dr. carlisle

the way he medicines everyone up…

wow

 [..]

edward is useless

seduce Carlisle

 [..]

edward's been alive 100 years and hasn't become a doctor??? c'mon

--0000000--

[Rosalie killing her rapists]

Friend: LM FAO

love that

W O W

that's a more interesting story than bella's LMFAO

--0000000--

[Rosalie trying to convince bella to stay human]

Rose: there’s one thing you’ll want more than Edward… one thing you’ll kill for… blood

Friend: ohhh….

SHE REAL

--0000000--

Friend: & also bella's assumption that Edward is That Great

she's 18….. she hasn't even TRIED college boys

 [..]

has she even had sex with anyone, ever?

--0000000--

Friend: Evil Dakota Fanning is ….. scary af

--0000000--

Friend: i'll say what i want about stephanie meyer being a fucked up mormon…. but her music taste is p good

Me: she didn’t do the soundtracks

Friend: ummm…i remember stephanie meyer specifically thanking Muse in her books

in the "acknolwedgements" section

 or did you, the twilight princess, not read that part

--0000000--

[graduation party]

Friend: I feel like there should be a twilight spoof..

where a high school girl has to choose between dating a furry and a goth

bc that's what this feels like to me

--0000000--

Friend: he freaks me out

the beefy one

--0000000--

[training scene]

Friend: jasper's kinda sexy too

well, everyone looks good next to robert :|

--0000000--

[jasper’s backstory]

Friend: jasper was a confederate soldier?!?!??!

what?? lmfao

confederate vampires? thanks i hate it

--0000000--

Friend: didn't he have like a life and morals before becoming a vampire or

i mean i guess he's a confederate so maybe not but

--0000000--

[jasper’s backstory]

Friend: he just listens to her lmfao

his Evil Mexican Bruja

--0000000--

[about Victoria]

Friend: she should just make someone sexy a vampire and fuck them tho

she has the power here

--0000000--

[about Jacob]

Friend: is there a REASON he never wears a shirt?

--0000000--

[Jake trying to convince bella she has feelings for him]

Jake: you can love more than one person… like sam, Emily, and leah

Friend: thruple!

that's the only resolution here

jacob & edward need to fuck each other and get over it

there's too much tension between them

--0000000--

Alice: you and Edward will have the house to yourself tonight

Friend: oooooo

Alice: you’re welcome

Friend: LMFAO

alice is a bro

--0000000--

Bella [immediately after the scene with Alice]: hey dad, I was wondering

Friend: hey dad… i was wondering. do you have any condoms

--0000000--

Bella: dad I’m a virgin

Friend: not for long….

--0000000--

Friend: but like honestly it's all so deeply unclear to me

he has like no blood, right?

HOW does he get hard

Me: he’s always hard

Friend: i don't think that's how that works

--0000000--

[Edward and bella in edward’s room]

Bella: I wanna ask u something

Friend: "can we fuck"

--0000000--

Friend: i feel like "becoming a vampire" is just a metaphor for "losing virginity"

--0000000--

[Bella tried to jump Edward]

Edward: bella…no

Friend: ???????????

they already kiss and stuff?????????

Me: yeah

i think he's worried he'd like. fuck her to death

idk… her vulva is delicate i guess

 Friend: they could do some Other Stuff

Me: yeah i know

edward is just…. too old school to understand anything but piv

Friend: fuck her to death…with his flaccid vampire dick

 [..]

this is so………Weird

?????????? sex is not a sin

--0000000--

[Edward talking abt how he would have courted bella in 1918]

Friend: ???????????? i dont believe that at all

people fucked in the 1800s

edward is a fucking weirdo

[Edward starts his grand speech]

Friend: Ew

this is…. a Lot

tbh it's Not Sexy that he can't adapt to a more feminist era

[Edward proposes]

Friend: this is…… a Lot

he Keeps Asking

[bella accepts]

Friend: she's only saying yes because she's horny!!!!

--0000000--

Friend: also….tbh it's sad that these vampires have to deny their instincts and have no control over themselves

like ….maybe they should just be euthanized

 Me: :O

Friend: is it fair to deny them their nature???

we don't force tigers to be vegetarians

what is the difference

Me: because… they're sentient and intellectual and can decide for themselves not to eat humans

Friend: i'm not sure i buy that

Me: you think they're not smart enough to make their own decision not to eat humans?

Friend: it seems like they have to be rehabilitated to deny a very natural instinct that they have no control over

are the cullens themselves a metaphor for mormonism?

 Me: yeah but carlisle CHOSE a vegetarial lifestyle… no one forced it on him

Friend: i guess

but at what cost

lmao

--0000000--

[tent scene]

Jacob: I am hotter than u

Friend: LMFAO

--0000000--

Friend: why didn't they bring more blankets?????

how fucking cold is it

Dumbasses

--0000000--

[Edward and jake arguing over bella]

Friend: idk bella….

i'd rather fuck a hot wolf than a freezing rock hard PussyDestroying Vampire

those wolves are HUGE…. huge dicks im sure

--0000000--

[Edward talking about how he doesn’t want bella to be a vamp to jake]

 Friend: i feel like they're Bonding

over their inability to control this woman lmfao

--0000000--

[jake and Edward fighting over bella]

Friend: bella is not that interesting? ? ? ?

--0000000--

Edward: if you weren’t trying to steal bella I might actually like u

Friend: wow

THIS is where they should fuck

t h r u p l e

look deep into each other's eyes

--0000000--

Friend: she'd warm up if they were having sex

--0000000--

[post tent scene]

Friend: she's not even wearing a hat rn

bella…what the fuck

--0000000--

[Edward and bella talking about being engaged, jake overhears]

Bella: it’s the 21st century

Friend: yeah, it is the 21st century…. marry them both

--0000000--

[bella asks jake to kiss her]

Friend: what the FUCK is happening

--0000000--

[bella and jake making out]

Friend: she's not even wearing anything warm

--0000000--

[battle]

Friend: carlisle…. kung fu master

Me: renaissance man

Friend: only breaks the hippocratic oath when absolutely necessary

--0000000--

[confrontation with riley and Victoria, Edward trying to convince riley to turn on Victoria]

Edward: think about it riley.. .you’re from forks… you know the area

Friend: "you're from forks… who would want that"

--0000000--

[Carlisle healing jake]

Friend: god…..my sexy, classy dad

… so smart….. so kind

--0000000--

Bella: I’m not normal

Friend: bella….you are SO normal

the reason every middle school girl read these books and thought they were like bella is bc you are just THAT normal

--0000000--

Edward: I guess we should start planning the wedding

Bella: no… something more difficult first… more dangerous

Friend: is she still talking about her virginity

[plethoraofocs]

so the origins of my first star trek ocs

so, i watched aos first. and i loved it because it was my introduction to star trek and the characters and i recently realised it’s v problematic and stuff so i watched tos. and this is a super long and needlessly complex explanation of how my first three star trek ocs (dottie, clarke, and taylor) came to be! more on them as individuals to come :) (i did give the broad strokes of their backstories in here so it’s a long post. i’ll put the basic parts in bold so you can skip the boring bits that i just rambled in

my first character, i made for the aos timeline, but shifted her over to the tos timeline without much hassle. 

her name is dorothy (dottie) jane negga, and she was born on the lunar colony to her human parents, as their third child born on the moon (one brother, one sister). they moved back to earth (specifically the greek countryside, which i need to do more research on, sorry) where they started an olive farm (neither of her parents come from greece nor do they have a background in farming, but her oldest brother took a horticultural course on the colony so he gets it up off the ground). she has a supportive and wholesome background (which was difficult for me to write because there was so much opportunity to give her a Tragic Backstory but i need to stop doing that so much lmao), two younger siblings (another sister, and a non-binary sibling). of the five siblings, she is the only child who didn’t want to work full-time on the farm, and the family helped put her through starfleet academy, where she took the command route with various piloting qualifications before being assigned to the enterprise as ‘ensign dorothy negga’ due to her exceptional academic success as well as her fantastic interpersonal skills. 

next up was my second star trek oc, someone i had a vague impression of while watching aos but fleshed out and named while watching tos. her name is s’on ahkhu clarke (i don’t know how vulcan names work i’m so sorry), and she is half-vulcan, half-romulan. in my tos timeline, her father (a weaver of cloth on vulcan) was tricked into thinking her mother (a notorious romulan captain attempting to infiltrate the vulcan high council) was an ambitious young vulcan with no social standing trying to work her way up. he fell in love, she went with it. they had a child together, her mother using it to further secure herself in vulcan society, but she was found out shortly afterwards and escaped back to romulus. clarke’s father raised her alone until she was eight years old, when her mother began correspondence with the vulcan high council over custody of the child. eventually, her father was forced to let her travel to romulan space every other year for a year to stay with her mother. her mother was, by then, captain of a mixed-species, all female, space equivalent of a pirate ship. while she found the practices of stealing, torturing, and murdering not only illogical, but deplorable, her mother told her that if she did not assist in running the ship, she would not permit her to return to vulcan. eventually, she joined starfleet academy during one of her years where she was supposedly ‘on vulcan’, and she managed to partially cut ties with her parents. she was just shy of being legally an adult on vulcan when she arrived at the academy, and was put in accommodation with the equally young cadet dorothy negga. the two became oddly co-dependant despite their wildly different personalities, and their symbiotic study relationship assisted them both in getting grades good enough to be assigned to the enterprise upon their graduation. clarke is a redshirt, but is exceptionally skilled with various types of defensive and offensive attacks from her time spent with her mother, so don’t worry, she’s safe. also : no-one is sure whether or not they were doing the do on the regular in the academy or not, and they won’t comment on the discourse.    

last, and definitely not least (lowkey my favourite of the og 3) we have taylor jones. taylor is... pretty weird, im not gonna lie. so i came up with her in pretty much the same way as i did clarke, a vague idea during aos that solidified during tos, she just took longer to nail down. the enterprise is in full swing by the time she gets introduced during a typical ‘away mission gone wrong’ type situation. she’s quite animal-like, she can’t speak, she’s afraid of everyone (except clarke and spock because telepathy and shit), she is telepathic and empathetic, but doesn’t seem to understand language. she’s in bad nick, and she’s the only survivor of a life-support systems failure of a starfleet-scientist-gone-off-the-rails’s illegal experimentation subterranean lab on a class-m planet. turns out he’d been deliberately inter-breeding species (humans, vulcans, orions, romulans, betazoids, ect) in order to create species perfectly designed to suit various jobs he needed doing to sustain himself on the planet. taylor was designed as basically a poorly treated PA, engineered for and trained to anticipate and fulfil his needs through a combination of telepathy, empathy, and a scarily fast learning and adaptation ability. with the help of clarke, they manage to get her aboard the ship and into medbay, where she (for some reason) practically imprints on dr.mccoy. dr.mccoy nurses her back to health (she won’t let any of the other medical staff near her) and begins to teach her how to communicate verbally, while clarke refuses to leave her side as she takes her time to teach taylor how to control her telepathy and how to refine telepathic communications. when they found her, she didn’t have a name, so they assigned her the name ‘taylor jones’. as well as this, leonard and clarke have to try and untrain her from her need to assist everyone on every little thing. she went missing for the first week she wasn’t locked in medbay as she raced around the ship frantically trying to meet everyone’s smallest whims, only being recovered when kirk was feeling mildly thirsty and she showed up on the bridge with a glass and a pitcher full of water (she got the hang of replicators and other technologies pretty fast, it was what she was genetically predisposed to do, after all). she proves to be quite useful on away missions, as she develops an interest in science (much to mccoy’s disgust, he’d enjoyed teaching her about anatomy and first aid, and is loathe to share her with spock), and kirk appoints her to the role of ‘acting ensign’.    

now this is where my inexcusable surplus of star trek ocs kicks in.

i realised that it’d be pretty dope to make my own starship crew, like, a whole ass crew. but i dont know enough about star trek too avoid continuity errors and shit. so i decided to start my own star trek “series” set approximately fifty years after whatever star trek series is the furthest in the future (so, like, picard, right? idk the timelines im a Bad Fan). the basics for these three are the same, except they start out on another enterprise namesake (enterprise-j) as the flagship of starfleet, where the senior officers (i’ve yet to flesh them out fully) are NOT (obviously) the og bridge crew. eventually, taylor decides to travel to earth to get her qualifications from the academy while the other two girls finish out their ‘explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new civilisations’ mission. taylor graduates the academy just as that mission ends, and is assigned to a research vessel that will be doing more in-depth research on planets/phenomena encountered by the enterprise-j as ensign jones, under captain dorothy (she insists on being called dottie) negga. clarke gets the position of cheif of security. there are many more charcters on board this ship. i still have more i need to make because i want to make an oc for as many of the people needed onboard as possible. 

[sunwritten]

hi guys  😁  i am ur girl mimi  ( she/her, mst, 22 )  and all u have to know about me is that i do nothing but keysmash , cry , listen to redvelvet and arianagrande, talk spanglish since spanish is my first language AND that i love sonic the hedgehog . now let me introduce to u to my boy  😁

̗̀   ✰   ― 〔  cha  eunwoo,  cis  male,  he/him  ）―  ❝  have  you  seen  mason  choi  walking  around  the  town  square  in  the  afternoon  ?  if  you’re  close  enough  you  might  even  be  able  to  hear  in  your  eyes  by  the  weeknd  blasting  through  their  headphones.  they’re  twenty-four  and  are  currently  working  as  a  piano instructor  /  songwriter.  once  you  get  to  know  them,  you’ll  be  able  to  find  out  that  they’re  very  candid  and  reserved,  but  also  can  be  very  lackadaisical  and  blunt.

statistics .

name: mun-hee “mason” choi .

age: 24 .

dob: january 1st , 1996 .

gender + pronouns: cis male , he/him .

zodiac: capricorn sun , libra moon , pisces raising .

orientation: bisexual , biromantic . 

religion: heavily raised under catholic influences . he doesn’t care , though .

hometown: olympia , washington .

residence: novan , south carolina .

occupation: piano instructor, but he can be a tutor for anything if he does some investigation the night prior. singer and songwriter in hopes to make it big one day. streamer and influencer on twitch, youtube and instagram. 

about .

THE JACK OF ALL TRADES: a person who is not content learning about just one thing only , developing a sense to learn something efficiently so they can be good enough at whatever they choose . raised under a strict household , mason craved to learn and experience more than what was taught under the roof of his house and church . spent most of his life reaching out ( sometimes suceeding , sometimes not ) to everything to have some kind of experience under his belt: some of these being both noticed by his parents and some others not ( and for the better ) . a quick learner and adaptable , and when he knows how to approach new skills properly , no mountain is too high for him .

the only child to a priest and a lawyer . mun-hee , eventually introducing himself as mason because he was tired of repeating his name over and over , was brought up in a wealthy and strictly catholic household in olympia , washington . he was forbidden from doing anything out of the ordinary since he could remember ; from dirtying up his sunday clothes to not attending his best friend's birthday party because his parents had the suspicion that substances were going to be involved at the party , and they didn't want him to fall into that hole . if only they knew .

was pushed into the church's choir against his own will when he turned eight , weeks later he was not only praised by his voice , but he fell in love with music . he learned how to play the piano and guitar by himself , and he was later taught by his parent's friends on how to play the violin , the flute , the drums and even the saxophone . he is currently learning how to play the cello and the harp . he specializes on piano , guitar and drums only while the others are one of his multiple , but not so developed , skills .

wrote his very first song when he was eleven ( something that got him the first place at his school's talent show ) , since then he has been writing and creating his own music . he’s currently working on trying to produce something good enough to put out one day . his passion on music caused some tension between him and his parents because , although they didn't disown him or anything , they didn't approve of it---- mostly because they had plans of having him replace his father's position at their church . this caused mason to simply not talk about music with them . it was when he graduated high school when he decided to move out to new york to attend columbia as a mathematics major with a minor on creative writing . after graduation , he moved to novan at the age of 21 because he wanted a new change of scenery .

jason has his own youtube channel , filled with vlogs about literally everything: archives of his past gaming streams on twitch , guitar/piano/bass/song covers that have gone viral on twitter and instagram time to time so he has somewhat of a following fanbase .

tidbits .

despite that i know nothing about mason so im going full force on development with him LKSJKLSJSLKJSLKJS

a himbo . he’s a really nice guy ... kinda dense .. kinda slutty ....... but at the same time he’s v reserved and doesn’t speak until someone is speaking to him bc that’s juss how he was raised U know

he’s not as religious as his parents think he is . he doesn’t... really care but that’s the religion he was raised with so . but that won’t stop him from wearing this sexc necklace with a golden cross bc he thinks he looks hot with it Mwah .

mason has a good relationship with his parents actually !!!! something that is sexc despite of the lil music tension because not only he adores them and they adore him , but he’s lowkey living off their money but at the same time he has gotten a bunch of MONIESSSS because rich people keep giving him money so he can teach their kids to play ( insert musical instrument here ) hehe .

u kno on parasite how the kim family started to do the things the park family wanted or whatever..... kinda like that . sometimes uses his skill of being a quick learner to come up with something quick and make it believable and get the monies KJKLSJSJS

a piano , guitar and drums prodigy . sings like an angel and has the voice of my man’s baekhyun with some lil justin bieber undertones u kno.....  probably v popular at karaoke bars . and he’s a songwriter too and produces and mixes his own music and AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

he wants to put out music sometime but for now....... he just makes random covers on his youtube channel , a channel that became popular bc oooooooooooooo cute boy who can sing and play the piano and is funny on his videogame streams . lets subscribe and tip him ten dollars so he can sing a song to me on his next stream <3 !

has gone viral time to time bc of his covers and bc hes really funny on twitter ngl . but if someone recognizes him he gets rather shy LSKJSLKSJKSLJ 

fucks around with alcohol and some drugs but it’s nothing too wild . he has been toying w these habits since high school and he still thanks god that they never found out about this ldjldkjdkldjd 

idk what else to say

he knows how to do card and skateboard tricks but please dont ask him to do wild things on the skateboard please he just can do the basics and doesn’t fancy the idea of getting his nose broken again LKJLSKJSLKSJLKSJ

a whole ass gamer when he’s not scratching his head trying to come up with the perfect sound for a new song . will ignore phone calls and messages until he’s done . he is also one of those bitches who will make u cum and then will get up to continue his game SLKJKLSJSKLJSKLSJ

he has a white cat and a cocker spaniel: phat and kiwi! aka the loves of his life 

a hopeless romantic who has like 289739873 failed relationships . he was a puppy heartbreaker when he was in college ngl

wanted connections.

best friend or someone he’s super close with ever since he moved in

unlikely friendship

partying buddies

PARTNERS IN CRIME

maybe he can be a cornerstone to someone just kno he’s not good with advice LKSJLKSJSLKJSKLSJ

maybe someone he teaches piano??? or maybe he taught them something else IDK

maybe a muse... someone who gives him so much inspo for his music/poems mmmmm this could be multiple because he finds inspo on everyone basically

exes ( good / bad terms ) kinda want three exes so he could say ONE TAUGHT ME LOVE , ONE TAUGHT ME PATIENCE AND ONE TAUGHT ME PAIN !!!!!

one sided crush ( them @ him or him @ them )

MUTUAL CRUSH ???????????????????

someone he spoils just bc ( this should be talked abt i guess )

frenemies

mutual annoyance

maybe someone who joins him on his vlogs u kno..... like when they r together his followers (or theirs if there’s someone out there who was a youtube channel too) are like o shit hell yeah

fwb(s) because he’s a slut  -________-

bad / good influences are also good

one night stands 

idk

fuck

pokemon go buddies 

neighbors? he lives in an apartment complex and his apartment is sexc ngl 

i like to brainstorm tho

please plot with me thanks

[literaphobe]

Okay on the fatphobia as a teen thing? It fully robs you of respect. Im hilarious, and i dont mean that as a brag or whatever but i can make my friends laugh like hell, but in secondary school (high school) people would not give me the time of day. Id say a joke and no one would laugh, and then someone would say my joke nearly word for word and everyone would laugh. It was a nightmare for my self esteem and its only now that im in college that people respect me and think im funny

growing up fat is like.... getting told by the world that it doesn’t matter what you’re good at or how good you are at something, someone less talented than you will be valued anyway because they are skinny. now that you mention it, when i was 14 i got picked to play one of the main characters in a play for a theatre competition. it was a big deal to me, because all the other main characters were played by our seniors who were all at least 15, and it made me feel really good to be seen as that good.

it was an adaptation of a midsummer night’s dream, so i was playing a romantic counterpart, and sadly, there were a number of people who were unhappy that our professional director cast me, some were girls who were older and jealous to have been overlooked, and i won’t talk about that bit but my costar’s efforts to get my character recast were what hurt most. apparently, he said that i wasn’t attractive enough for him to put on a convincing performance. he also said something about how i should maybe put on some eyeliner, i think? anyway it was. really painful. and i knew it was because i was fat, because fat means ugly in the eyes of fatphobes, also i know he definitely said i was too fat at some point in his. displeasure. at having to act alongside me

anyway. it all worked and my character was recast. a very skinny somewhat conventionally attractive senior was given my role, and i was reassigned a smaller more comedic role. i was devastated at first, i think i either cried or wanted to cry, and rehearsals went on. crazy thing is, i did really well in my new role and had a lot of fun with comedy, and i thought it was a blessing in disguise. who needed to be the main character anyway? why do so many scenes when i could do less scenes?

meanwhile, the new girl was doing horribly. she could barely act, and it was clear that i was much more talented than her and did a much better job, even though i didn’t have the sexy skinny beautiful body and face that one might have associated with the character (the character in question was a girl who had two suitors and she only liked one of them but her father objected and wanted her to be with the other one. but hoooowww could a fat girl like me make judges and audiences believe two men could want me so desperately, right). our director who was really good at bringing schools to victory in this competition, realized enough was enough. she was the final authority, and it didn’t matter if people were unhappy. she quietly told me i was back to my original role, and the original person who played my new comedic character would be back in that spot. the skinny girl who was recast as my character wouldn’t have a role at all

(yes i know even when i got recast someone else was kicked out so I could still be in the play this is what happens when ur unbelivably talented 😔🤟🏻 fjsjdjdj jkjk)

anyway!! this time everything went great and rather smoothly. i had p much proved my talent as a performer, and my previously really annoying and fatphobic costar realized that acting with me was fun and that playing out a romance didn’t really mean shit LMAO. so we went on to do the competition and my teacher cried because during the play some of my cast members accidentally messed up parts of the set and knocked over props (all of which i needed to use in an upcoming scene) and she very nervously told me what was up before i went in for my scene and that if it was possible could i try and fix some of it and i was like “lmao ok” and went in and treated all the mess ups as a natural part of the set and fixed everything in a way that made sense for the character and when my scene ended and the lights went out i quickly reset the last set piece in a flash then ran out so the next scene could begin with the set perfectly back to normal. so ya i was an absolute hero and my teacher cried because she was so proud of me KFKSKDKDK

anyway we won distinction (the highest thing u can get it’s like getting gold) and the judges sent this feedback sheet to one of our teachers and in the feedback the judges pointed out my character as one of the best acted ones etc etc so 😌✨ it turned out good but the whole point is i wouldn’t have had to suffer so much and been through so much conflict and drama if not for fatphobia, and if that skinny girl had even a smidge of talent i would never have been allowed to play that role again even if i was objectively better at it

and like. something like this always happens when I graduate from a school and move on to another school’s drama club. i ALWAYS have to prove myself again and again because no one gives me a second look otherwise

sorry for turning this into a long ass story about me, i completely feel for u, having people straight up steal ur jokes is the WORST and im so glad ur finally being acknowledged as the funny legend u r!!!!!!

[teddy-feathers]

look my problem with the au megamind where Roxanne is the alien and megamind is the reporter is i cant stop thinking about what i want out of that and how its probably not what other people want out of that which should mean 'oh shit i gotta write it' but really means 'in the next couple of months im going to rewatch megamind and be extremely frustrated because idk how to write these people as is let alone in an au'

but here are some thoughts

Itd have to take place on megaminds home world so like. have to develop that culture and frame it as the usual and other things as oddities

metroman still shows up at the same time the baby human does

roxan richie and metromans rivalry is less of a game and more of a metroman one up'd her ome to many times so now shes gotta take him out

its fine not because shes incompetent- in fact her death rays and pointy sticks are ingenious and have 0% public property or civilian causalities - but because metroman is not only impossible to kill, he adapts to anything that gets close (anything that doesnt kill him makes him stronger literally)

i guess this means theres a good chunk of the story that is centered around human adaptability vs perfect hero dudes adaptability

Roxanne Ritchie is actually a noted scientist or something at the local research facility - i figure blue people planet is really advanced and everyones at least a little technosmart but while it doesnt come as easily or naturally to Roxanne her way of thinking is really unique n shiz and shes an asset to every team....

but if you see her in a mask with some project from the lab macguivered into a gun trying to kill metroman well, no ones getting hurt and humans need hobbies and everyone respects the mask desptie the fact shes the ONLY human on the planet so its not like its hard to figure out who she is

she does spend a lot of nights having to rebuild projects and apologizing and such but basically everyone plays the plausible deniability card and asks her questions abiut what went wrong and okay so the masked menace failed after you let them steal our project but lets pretend for a moment the goal was to fix crops how would you say this did? and grumply shed revamp the guns weird side effect into an alien pollinating crop duster or whatever

got carried away when REALLY all I WANTED to say was

Whille Roxanne Ritchie is adaptable ingenuity and gets away at the last minute NOT because no ones trying to catch her but shes just that CLEVER and thinks ahead and shiz....

Megamind is the guy trying to interview her in the middle of a fight like he thinks he's cute - i mean he is but shes chasing after metroman and skids to a stop because this jerk stepped in for a comment. or shes lining up the perfect shot but theres a close up of megaminds reporter bag in the way

the thing is that maybe... blue people arent violent. a natural disaster hit recently and theyre coming back from it and if the two adopted alien kids want to play extreme tag well no ones getting hurt and Roxanne Ritchie will grow out of her competitiveness no doubt caused by just how superior EVERYONE on the planet is by finding her own niche and metroman will grow up and stop bating her because maybe he IS still better than everyone else and thats met with "oh very nice we're proud" but it doesnt really validate him or make him feel special because its just treated as a special thing he can do by everyong but Roxanne Ritchie and once he's found something that makes him feel good regardless of the attention or lack of it he'll stop playing too

but megamind? megamind has an imagination that loves drama and blowing things out of proportion and thats part of why his reports are so popular? like yeah everyones treating this super hero showdown with indulgence but megamind is good at framing theatrics so that this news story is actually a compelling narrative? and also everyone can see the tension is going to have one of these three "kids" confessing live someday

and maybe he gets carried away. one of those 'aw well next time you could do x or y' or has some technological creation that accidentally actually makes Metroman flinch during an interview

and Roxanne Ritchie starts paying attentionto him for the first time.

and minion warns him but he doesnt listen. minion is lower class and is afraid of being replaced like a pet like some people do but Roxanne Ritchie Ritchie doesnt have a minion and even if she did theyre Best Friends not like those other blue people minion uperclass people.

and he carelessly says something unforgivable and Roxanne Richie uses his ideas and actually succeeds in killing metroman

so she goes to prison - a place they had to build just for her because this hasnt happened since stars knows when

and somebody else is doing the camera because minion left just is gone and megamind looks defeated but testifies against her and is quiet and subdued and stpps being a reporter for a bit

and.... idk. i feel like we'll have to resolve the whole class system so minon goes underground and finds other minons who are unhappy with the way of things and if theyre ALREADY rebuilding society after that huge natural disaster that DIDNT blow up their planet thanks TO a minion well ehy cant they fix this too?

so theres a rebellion going on and theyve got a secret weapon to make blue people listen and idk but i feel like it's Metroman

and... how do stories like this go ive forgotten

minion wouldnt tell megamind or he would

metroman would break Roxanne Ritchie out of prison during the first riot of the minion revolt?

they talk and compare why they hated eachother and slowly work together and are actually a great team?

and then they need a reporter to make themselves heard as something other than minions going crazy

and so of course they go to megamind for help getting the story out

something something megamind is minions sidekick for this adventure

"Roxanne Ritchie was raised by the planet and turned against it and instigated civil unrest and killed a person who was also the good child etc etc instead of just growing up to face your problems"

"actually im alive and i finally found my place? helping out the real heros?"

"i mean i did try to kill him, but he forgave me and we're kinda working together because planet of moms and dads that raised us? yall actually are the ones who need to grow up and let go of the traditions that dont serve etc etc"

and megamind does a huge public apology to minion

and... uhhhhhhhhh fuck i really dont know how these storyies go

the blue people start making amends

metroman basically becomes a social worker for minion childern because finding their original families is a bit hard and most of these kids are just going to end up being raised by super dad but at least the rebellion minion families are actually geting to be their own family units and in a couple gens thatll be normal

Roxanne Ritchie goes back to being the token human in the lab and hangs up her super suit and is generally dissatisfied with this

until one night a hero breaks into her apartment to make her answer for her crimes and so for a legit hot second theyre fighting and megamind says something and Roxanne apologizes and then fighting stops being an argument and goes into banter flirting

the worss "where theres evil good will rise up to fight it" peob comes up a lot in this fic in different iterations

anyways megamind isnjust basically like hey wanna do this like. for the rest of our lives dramatic battle showdowns like its entertainment but like no theyre doing this for real?

the answer is hell yeah

and its a polyship and sometimes Roxanne is helping with the kids and then Megamind bursts in to "save" the family from her evil clutches and 90% of the time everything is improve

megamind kidnaps Roxanne to make metromind save her and a good half of the conversation is that hes an idiot for coming shes tried to kill him three times this week and hes bitching because do you know how hard it is to find a sitter for 30 odd minion kids this short notice and they better make it up to him

Roxanne is not superdad but the 30 odd minion kids adore when she comes over because they mob the villain so hard until finally mega comes to save her because hes actually very good with the kids

of course this poly ship isnt complete without minion and at some point minion and mega realize theyve actually been married for years and Roxanne and metro tease them shamelessly for it

minion and his race need a real name obviously

when Roxanne was a... graduate her senior project theses thingy was essentially "im going to go back to planet earth itll be great ive figured out were im from and how to go there in a reasonable amout of time" and everyone had to sit her down and explain that unlike metroman they knew where she was from the planet was just destroyed.

they never figured out where metroman was from because his direction sharply changed to follow baby Roxannes course and mirrored her coding despite very obviously how he had originated from elsewhere

this is important because his race is basically coming to conquer the blue people planet soon - the group finds out - and will download all the survival upgrades metroman has gotten to become unkillable and then just come down to the surface and be unstoppable taking the place over and whiping out the planet like theyve done many many times

a good chunk of the time trying to figure out how to stop them when this planet is REALLY against murder war and violence for good reason and even if they WOULD do that its impossible over looks some alone time that leads to megamind and metroman figuring out how to like kill him so when the bad guys show up theyll go "whelp better not fuck with them" and leave but between roxanne and minion they manage to not only stabilize metroman (Roxanne blood transfusions maybe???) but they manage to scare the aliens so bad they tuck tail and leave speading rumors that these are the scariest mfs in space (go minion)

metroman never lets Roxanne live down saving his life

eventually space humans show up to check the place out

megamind loves everything human despite most of the planet thinking theyre primitive and showing it

roxanne is reluctant to meet them at first but then really relates to them?

for a good long while it REALLY seems like megamind and Roxanne are just going to go on space adventures with the humans leaving metroman and minion - who really doesnt like them and also they kinda rub him the wrong way because he's non bipedal and they kinda make fun of him in a 'we totally dont mean anything by it lighten up' sort of way.

they don't go of course but they may have stolen a lot of atar charts n shit and who hasnt wanted to take a road trip through space with 30 odd childern who will need names and personalities and may be chopped down to a slightly more reasonable number by this point?

metroman loves space karaoke and his natural abilites mean he learns languages fast but no he still cant carry a tune

megamind and Roxanne still duke it out on various alien cityscapes

minion usually breaks them out of jail if theyre not to be let out the next day because nothing was actually damaged that didnt belong to them.

one memorable occasion it was metoman in a fight with megamind and they wont say what its about but both look very put out and minion looks smug

it doesn't matter in the end because Roxanne teams up with the childern to propose to them first

apparantly i had a lot more ideas about this then i meant to? i mean its not well thoughout out and despite the drama a good half the fic is just going to be cute relationship building stuff between the four of them

[workmaninprogress]

so can i ask if maybe u could put a short summary of how u discovered that u were a guy and how the progress of transitioning has been for u? cuz im new to all the trans stuff and was just wonder how other people experienced it you know? u dont have to ofc! whatever makes u feel good!!!✌🏼

I don’t know that there is a short summary of it all, to be honest. It’s been a long journey. Not the hardest though, truly, just a lot of trial and error as to what felt best. And what feels best often changes.

I’m not one that “always knew” or “always felt like I was in the wrong body.” There are a few memories from childhood that I look back on and can say, “oh yea, that was definitely a give away.”

The uncomfortable feelings that were always in my body, I just thought everyone dealt with. I didn’t realize that I was actually different until college. Looking back, I can feel and pinpoint the progression of it all, but in the moment, I had no clue.

It all started once I moved away to college (2013). My freshman year, I was 19 and “free” to start learning about the world in my own way. It was then that I realized and started to come to terms with just the fact that I liked women. I come from a conservative, Mennonite, private-school-from-kindergarten-to-graduation lifestyle so this was all brand new news to me. Around the same time, a friend came out as bi. I remember messaging her and how great it felt to know that someone had those same feelings. I asked her, “do you also have gender confusion?” and she said no. So I was back feeling like I was the only one that had is uneasiness inside.

At some point during my endless hours of depression scrolling, I found a guy on tumblr who was just like me. Finally. I found someone that shared those feelings. That felt that same burning in their chest. That’s when it all clicked. I finally realized where I was, wasn’t where I needed to be if I intended on living with any sort of quality of life.

I started talking about those feelings out loud. Tossing out the possibility of it all with very close friends. I really wasn’t ready to brave it to myself, in full, for a really long time. But one day I just kind of said that enough is enough and began thoroughly researching.

I bought a binder. I wore it. It worked for me. Next was social transitioning. Just trying out male pronouns, seeing how they felt. They were weird and terribly uncomfortable at the beginning. They’re sometimes still foreign, but I’ve grown used to them. I bought a packer at some point. Tried really hard to like it, but it didn’t work the best for me. To this day, I rarely feel the need or desire to pack. My haircuts got shorter and shorter. My clothing had always been mainly masculine, but there came a time that I cut out all feminine clothing because I couldn’t bare the sight of it. There was a necklace my sister bought me when I graduated high school. It was a silver heart that said “soar” with a dainty silver chain. I tucked it away in a box and that kind of felt like putting the old version of myself in the same box.

Nothing was too dramatic. I had some partners that crushed me over it in different ways which was threw in some set backs in it all. My family was really scary to deal with at first, but I eventually braved that as well.

Hormone therapy came fairly easy, much easier than most. Just because of my timing and the location and resources that I had. I was fortunate enough that insurance covered a breast reduction, which made life immensely better. It was still hard waking up after that surgery knowing I’d be wearing a binder daily for the next foreseeable future, but I was still so appreciative. The reduction made binding so much easier. Hormones started shifting my body into what felt more and more comfortable.

I won’t lie, I don’t deal with a great amount of dysphoria. However, I think that’s just because of how I choose to process my feelings. I’ve learned to just accept what I can’t change about my body, and try my hardest to work past or to better it. Or I just flat out ignore those feelings until they go away. Again, most people don’t process like I do, so that’s not always the case. I just knew what I had to do to become more comfortable within myself, and I did it.

It’s all kinda like that Bear Grylls meme “Adapt. Improvise. Overcome.” If something doesn’t work for you? Don’t do it. If it feels funny at first, it might feel better the second or third try. If nothing seems to be working, come at it from a new perspective.

There is still a lot of unease in my body. Related to different things. Social issues, physical issues, the usual stuff. I’ve been feeling that unease a lot lately, actually, which has been pretty annoying. I think it’s because my top surgery is so close that I haven’t yet processed those feelings. I’ve been uncomfortable these past few months, so I think it’s just a new phase of life that I’ll have to figure out how to work with, if that makes sense. But I know that this time next year, hell, it could even be in a few months, I’ll feel differently. My struggles will have changed. The things I’m fretting tonight might have dissolved and my brain will have started focusing on something else. I won’t necessarily be a different person, just another version of myself, I suppose.

Everyone’s story is different. Everyone’s transition is different. Everyone faces different struggles and fights different demons. But our common goal is to just feel at home. It’s what all us misfits want: to live without saying we’re sorry.

[lesbianfreyja]

hey so im abt to graduate ha and i trust ur opinion i think so like no pressure but if u could just give me any input whatsoever that comes to mind thatd be Great. im taking a Gap Year next year bc even though my act and sat rank 95th percentile and i have an unweighhed 3.7 gpa w almost all ap classes i was rejected and/or waitlisted from every college i applied to. granted my safety was a 66% acceptance rate and its the best school in my state but Still (1/2)

(2/2) Anyways. im taking a gap year and i need to be Productive and Build My Resume more. im looking to pursue public policy math and music bc i play cello. i also want to read more (books articles Everything). i just want to know if unhave Thoughts on what would be good to do during my gap year. book recommendations, habits to adapt, types of things get involved in, whatever. i have a general plan of what im doing next yr but i just want lile Smaller things that will kind of keep me Going ig

omg wow well-- congrats on graduating first of all!!!

i personally didnt take a gap year/couldnt because idk how i’d ever get back in the flow of things, but you do whats best for u!! im not really sure what to recommend for you, but i’d definitely build the resume. personally, i don’t really believe in volunteering or internships, but maybe get a part-time/temporary job in the field you think you ultimately wanna pursue & do that a couple times a week. it’ll look good later that you have Experience In The Field -- even if you dont actually do anything relevant (for example if you wanted to be a vet & you just were the receptionist for one) future employers will think it’s great that you were in that environment, and it’s always good to have some extra pocket money anyways

books i’d recommend: things that interest you! if youre gonna be keeping busy during your year, then books/articles could potentially be reserved for Just Having Fun & Relaxing. it really depends on what you wanna learn about, ive read tons of interesting things so just lmk, there’s always ways to find books that teach you things while still being fiction or interesting (for example i read a book once that taught me a bit about getting published, because the main character published a book and it talked me through that process she went thru). also, i occasionally like to calm down and read smthng a bit mind-sparking while i play music and light incense/candles (for example, poetry or sylvia plath makes me feel Like An Intellectual). go to ur local library and browse around OR to a book sale and just pick up stuff that sounds interesting.

habits to adapt!! where i’m at right now, id suggest learning some basic life skills. what i mean is that i just moved out a couple days ago, and it’s occurring to me that i never learned how to cook rlly basic meals with a few core ingredients and stuff like that. pick something you think you should know before youre on your own and do it: make a few core meals from just ground meat/sauce/onions/whatever (my sister has like 5 ingredients that she just uses to make everything, it’s fast and tasty and a good idea). i grew up with siblings & already worked on some social skills in college, but if you havent, get used to breaking out of ur shell a little (i spent my first year friendless bc i Do Not know how to make friends). pick some things you wanna learn how to do and just begin the process of doing them--if you ever wanted to be somebody else, now’s the time to start making the change. learn how to do ur own laundry, learn how to use a dishwasher, start to clean your own room or communal living spaces. even the smallest things u pick up will be good to know later.

also, and idk if this is applicable to you, but you could always take some community college classes & transfer the credits later so you have a head start. i also generally recommend that if ur not getting in anywhere u want, go somewhere cheap & close and then transfer a year into the game, it’s MUCH easier. i’d also figure out where ur gonna go next year and start to get to know some people from the area so youre not just suddenly on ur own....even if you just talk to them online for the next year or so and dont get to meet up til you go (if its far). 

keep up with ur cello so you dont lose the skill in a year, it’s hard to pick things back up once u let it slip! take some online classes about public policy math so youve got a head start & can maybe even skip some intro classes! overall i’d just say to take the time to work on yourself and DONT let it get too stressful. relax and have fun, you dont know when ur gonna get unlimited time off like this ever again and with few obligations like rent, so enjoy it!!! and congrats again!!!

[reesewestonarchive]

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Back at the farm, Elijah walks, dazed but relaxed, back to the house. He checks behind him once, twice, to see if Rocky, who had followed him to the edge of his parents' property, still sits in the woods, wagging his tail at Elijah.

He doesn't.

"You look like you've seen a ghost," Amanda says, as she steps out the front door. The sun is shining, bright and warm already for eight in the morning, and Elijah shakes the woods off of him as best he can.

While he's grateful the beast is a silly witch in the woods, the idea that someone out there just... lives in abandoned shack in his woods unsettles him.

"Not a ghost," Elijah says. He sighs. "Has this town always been this fucking creepy?"

Amanda cocks her head and looks at her son with a smile, then steps down the front steps and towards the hay truck. "The city has made you suspicious, my love." She waves the keys in the air, doesn't look back to Elijah. “Come on. I believe you promised me a trip to the farmer’s market.”

Amanda fiddles with the radio, sings along off-key with wrong lyrics, and Elijah absently brushes the mud from his jeans.

The market’s covered in small tables set up underneath tents. Sunlight shines through the trees, and Elijah all but forgets about Viola and Penny and their tiny shack in the woods. The air is sweet with the smell of apple cider and turnovers, and Elijah follows his mother past table after table of pickles, jams, fresh produce, pies, breads…

He last went when he was seventeen. Far too long ago. The smell of it brings him back to being a child, before he made such a shitty decision, before Josh—

“Elijah, can you take these apples back to the car? I’ve a few more tables I’d like to visit.”

Three bags of apples, Elijah takes to the car, tripping over tree roots and uneven, muddied ground. Passes tables selling food that has his stomach aching with hunger.

Just before the market closes off, though, Elijah notes a man, sitting at his table, his head rested in his hand, elbow on the table, flipping through a book with a bored look on his face. Customers seem to ignore him, as though he’s not there. Candles in mason jars are neatly lined up in front of him, a solitary empty spot where someone has bought one.

He seems to notice Elijah staring, because he lifts his head, locks gazes with him. A smile grows across his face.

“Interest you in some homemade candles, sir?”

Elijah makes a face. “I’m not a sir.” He should keep going, but—the logo of the candles. Elijah drops one of the bags of apples to pick up a candle. “This creature,” he asks, smoothing his thumb over the creature—thick hair, glowing eyes, fingers like nails. “What is it?”

With a shrug, the man says, “The Beast of Easthallow. Local legend. Man a few hundred years ago, back when Easthallow was just a mining town, claims to’ve seen it.” He cocks his head at Elijah. “There’s a book about it, you know. Adapted from Victor East’s journals.”

“So it’s real?”

Laughing, the man leans back in his chair. “Suppose that matters on whether you’re a believer.” He nods his head at the candle. “Supposed to smell like wildflowers if you see it. S’what the candle’s based on.”

Overhead, the sun hides behind dark storm clouds. Around them, the hum of chatter from the farmer’s market quiets for a minute.

“Can give you a discount if you buy the book, too.” He holds up a book, small, a plain black cover, the words THE BEAST OF EASTHALLOW embellished across the front.

Assuming, for a minute, that Elijah believes any of this, other than a crazy couple of witches living in the woods, he’s unemployed. Setting the candle back down, Elijah says, “I don’t have any money.”

He eyes the apples. “How about a few of those? They came from the Richard Orchard, right?” Elijah shrugs. “Two apples, then.”

Fine. Curiosity peaked, Elijah digs into the bag at his feet for two of the apples, without bruises, one still with a stem and leaf, and hands them over. Their fingers brush together, and Elijah’s lips twitch up in a smile, just for a split second, before he pulls back.

“Do you plan on hunting it?” the man says, dropping the apples into a bucket beside him.

“…Hunting it?”

“We also sell candles that smell like rotten wood and wet dog. Supposed to attract the Beast.”

Elijah snorts. “A candle that smells like garbage?” He shakes his head. “I’ll go with the wildflowers.” Maybe he can gift it to his mother for Christmas.

“I’ll just get you a receipt,” the man says. Elijah hears someone walk up behind him, and turns his head, sees Amanda stepping around counters, a single, small loaf of bread under her arm.

She smiles down at the man, currently scribbling out a receipt for Elijah, and says, “Good morning, Grant. All well at home?”

He lifts his head, looking between the two of them for just a beat or two before he smiles, pleasant and wide, and his eyes—

Elijah clears his throat, averts his gaze. His heart aches, as he thinks of Sean, back home. What used to be home. He wonders if the man he’d found Sean with would be comforting, in Elijah’s absence, or if he’ll find Elijah leaving cause for celebration.

“…fine, Mrs. Flynn.” Grant flashes her a smile, hands over the receipt to Elijah and says, “Have a good day.”

Elijah reaches for the receipt, and Grant winks as their fingers touch again.

As they leave, Amanda weaves her arm around Elijah’s, says, “That wasn’t so bad, was it? And I see you picked up some items as well.” She nods to the book, the candle in the bag. “Didn’t think you were a candle sort.” She smiles, reaches into the bags, plucks out an apple, and begins chattering on.

Elijah glances at the receipt. Ten digits, scribbled at the bottom—give me a call, if you’d like.

At the farm, Elijah thumbs over the receipt as he sits, reclined on the couch, listening as rain beats down on the tin roof. It’s dark, for mid-afternoon; a deep blue-grey overcast filtering the sun out and shadowing the fields.

Still better than the city.

He sighs. Reads the note again. Little early for hookups, isn’t it? Ezra considers himself fairly capable of moving on quickly, but still, if he thinks too much about Sean, something in his chest goes tight and the world feels too small. He could have gone to the other side of the country, to Australia or Japan, and still Sean would feel too close.

Fingers reach up behind him and pluck the receipt out of hand, though, and Elijah doesn’t even bother turning around to chastise his brother. Instead, he says, “Really? We’re being this childish, now?”

Josh reads the note out loud, makes an awwwww sound, and says, “What happened to Sean, McDreamy? Weren’t you guys happy-ever-after or whatever you want to call it?”

“We’re not in trouble,” Elijah says, but he doesn’t make an attempt at the receipt. He just rubs his eyes, wonders how long it’ll take Josh to give up on this. “And it’s none of your fucking business.”

It’s not a lie; they’re not in trouble. Elijah’s completely out of trouble. Feels better about this than he ever has. Josh, though, Josh takes that and runs with it, his eyes getting wide, and he says, “Holy shit. You’re not—“

“Josh—“ Footsteps are coming up from the basement steps, and fuck, Elijah’s not ready to admit that he’d failed in the city, that he ran home with his tail tucked between his legs, and no. They don’t need to know. They don’t need to know. Not yet. Not until Elijah can get on top of things, until he can 

When she reaches the top of the stairs, Amanda glances between them, offers a tentative smile. “Getting on, I hope?” She doesn’t wait for an answer, already heading for her bedroom with the laundry basket. “So nice to see the two of you in the same room without screaming…”

She leaves before Josh can say anything, thankfully, and with a pleased sigh, Josh holds the receipt back out. “S’cute. Taking a page out of your older bro’s book, lying to Mom and Dad.”

Refraining from reaching for the receipt, Elijah says, “I’m not lying to them. And would you stop it with the older bro shit?”

Holding his hands in mock surrender, Josh says, "All right. Just... interesting you're the one keeping secrets these days, is all."

Elijah watches him leave, jaw clenched, and lets out a frustrated groan when Josh is finally around the corner.

It's good, though, right, to meet people. In Easthallow. If he's going to be living here... he'll need a network. Grant can help with that.

He calls the number before he can tell himself not to.

"Elijah," he answers, and his voice is smoother, on the phone, than it really should be. "I wondered if you'd call."

"How do you know it's Elijah?"

A beat, then, "I had a feeling. I wanted to know if you’d be interested in getting a drink?” So the entire town can know about it. So Elijah can spend the evening shooting glances around the bar, wondering who he can trust and whether Grant’s one of those people or not. “About the Beast—“

And Elijah laughs, runs a hand through his hair, and wonders if the entire town is like this. “You don’t really believe in it, do you?”

“You’re meant to believe what you see, right?”

“I’ve seen this Beast,” Elijah says. “Didn’t seem so freaky to me.”

Grant makes a noise, like a scoff, but his voice holds no judgement. “Everyone knows about Viola.”

Fine. Just to sate his curiosity. “All right. Drinks, and you can tell me all about this furry little beast of yours.”

Grant meets him in town, dressed in a light jacket Elijah finds himself jealous of, in the misting cold. He reaches out for a handshake. "Good to meet you."

"You, too," Elijah says. "I thought I knew everyone in this town." He grew up here, went to school here. Graduated with twenty kids in his class. Grant... either he was older, younger, or... wasn't from here.

As though sensing Elijah's thoughts, he sends him a sidelong glance and says, "I grew up in the city. Parents divorced when I was little. Thought I'd do better there, but I always liked the country." His smile is warm, pleasant, and Elijah wonders if it helps with the cold or if he's blushing under Grant's gaze. "What about you?"

"City all the way," Elijah says. "Stepping in cow shit has never been my version of fun."

Grant laughs. It feels good, genuine; Elijah can't remember the last time he made someone laugh. "Plenty of other farms than cattle farms."

"Not according to my parents," Elijah says. "You know they started planting crops when I was fifteen, to help with running costs, and my dad flipped?" He did; Allan's a livestock man, through and through. Elijah still remembers the nights his parents stomped around downstairs, trying to make sense of their next plan.

"What happened? Nobody in Easthallow exports crops."

They take a seat at the bar. Grant holds up two fingers to the bartender, and soft country music plays from the corner of the room, and something settles in Elijah's stomach. He's used to drink menus, twenty minutes with Sean while he tries to decide what he wants, and it's like relief when the bartender slides two beers in front of them and disappears.

It's the little things Elijah loves about this town.

"I knew your brother," Grant says, as he digs his phone out his pocket. "Back in high school."

His mood sours, but Elijah tries not to let it. He peers into the bottle, thinks about downing it all in one go. Doesn't.

"He was a prick." Grant taps away on his phone. "Little fucker nearly drove my little sister insane."

Sounds like Josh. "He cheat on her? Josh is an asshole."

"Wouldn't give her the time of day, mostly. She thought they'd grow up, get married, have kids, whole nine yards. Josh found out and... she ended up homeschooling for the rest of high school."

He remembers that. Something faint, and, hell, Elijah didn't even know the girl, but Josh slept with her best friend and then there was all kinds of drama. Because of Josh. It's hard to believe anyone thought he was a catch, but people like the bad boy thing.

"Don't hold that against me, do you?"

Grant doesn't even lift his gaze to meet Elijah's. "If you were anything like your brother, you wouldn't be speaking with me."

He turns his phone to Elijah, finally, onto a homepage for THE BEAST OF EASTHALLOW. He clicks around a bit, checks out the first hand accounts--all written journalism style, with publishing dates and Grant's name at the top as the author--the photos.

"A lot of them are Viola," Grant says, gesturing to the phone with the beer. "She loves getting dressed ip on tourist weekends and scaring the shit out of the visitors in the cabins." He smiles, shakes his head.

"She's not the start of the rumor, then?" Elijah'd been sure... she could've seen something, made the costume as a joke, to keep people away from her house...

"Nah. Viola's big into local history. Or--Penny, her wife, is. Viola took a liking to the Beast 'cause it's mystical."

Grant's thigh rubs against Elijah's, just a little. Just enough to catch the fabric, enough for the pull to tune Elijah into how close they are everywhere. "Did you read the book?"

"Book?" Elijah echoes, then clears his throat. Grateful for the low lights that help hide his blush, Elijah adds, "Right. No. Didn't even crack the spine."

Like he expects it, Grant scrolls down through his phone again, until he stops at a very clear, very close photo. "This is the most famous ever taken. Fifteen years ago or something like that."

When Elijah lived here. Why the fuck didn't he ever hear about this? "Someone's screwing with me," Elijah says. "I grew up here, and we never had a fucking local cryptid, unless you count the town drunk."

"Fifteen years ago, no one used to see it."

"We don't see it now."

Tapping the screen of his phone, Grant says, "Twenty times in the last year."

It's Josh. It's gotta be fucking Josh, enlisting the entire fucking town, right? Found some freaky girl in the woods to scare him, some guy at the farmer's market to fuck with him, and...

That doesn't make sense, though. Josh didn't know he was coming, and Elijah hasn't been home that long. Is this... does Grant actually believe this shit? That there's really some fucking monster crawling around their little town? Easthallow's a trash heap, people and literal garbage. There’s no cause for why he might be…

Elijah huffs a laugh, shakes his head. Downs the rest of his beer and says, “So, okay. Let’s say I believe in your furry little friend, just for like, five seconds.” He’s still not convinced it isn’t Viola. That this entire set-up isn’t something done to fuck with newbies. “Why only see it now?”

The question of the hour. Grant glances up at him, his eyes twinkling. Something there lights a fire on all of Elijah’s nerves, leaves him feeling warm, pleased, arousal building in his stomach. Grant’s an attractive guy; the muscles that scream outdoor labor, a five o’clock shadow Elijah wants to feel against his skin. Dark eyes Elijah could get lost in, and smooth, tan skin, and hair just long enough to pull.

Shit, he’s tapping his phone again, eyebrow raised like he knows Elijah’s imagining being held down by him, and he says, “Hundred year anniversary of old man Lowell’s suicide.”

“He killed himself?”

“So said the newspapers,” Grant said. “Lots of conflicting reports, though. Another one said he died in the old mine tunnels. Pushed from the roof of the Carnegie library… One said he got caught in a wood-chipper.”

Grimacing, Elijah takes a drink of his beer. “Poor way to go.”

But Grant’s voice is thoughtful when he asks, “Is it? Head first, maybe…” He shrugs.

Silence settles between them, Elijah picking at the label on his beer, Grant tapping his fingers rhythmically on the bar top, before Grant finally says, “So what brings you to Easthallow?”

It isn’t a secret, not really, but Elijah hesitates nonetheless. It’s only been a few days since Elijah spoke to Sean, but it feels like it’s been weeks. Easthallow seems so far removed from the city. Always has. “Bad breakup,” he says, finally, then, “or—not really. Just a breakup.”

“He cheat on you?”

Elijah turns his gaze to Grant. How the fuck does he know. He asks as much, and Grant just chuckles, shrugs one shoulder. Ducks his head in something like embarrassment. “I haven’t told anyone.”

“You have a vibe,” Grant says. “Definitely not from here. Wouldn’t come to Easthallow unless you had family. No one comes here.”

“Viola and Penny?”

With a twitch of his lips, Grant says, “I stand corrected.”

Elijah finishes his beer. Returns it to the coaster. Beside him, Grant pockets his phone. “I could show you Old Man Lowell’s place, if you’re up for it.”

Making a face, Elijah says, “Doesn’t that place have to be ancient by now? How’s it still standing?”

Before Grant can answer, Elijah’s phone buzzes in his pocket, incessant against his thigh. He apologizes as he checks it—his mother.

“Sorry, dear,” she says, but sounds exhausted, “your father has a situation with the cattle. Can you come home, help him out?”

Like a child, Elijah says, “Isn’t Josh home to help.”

Her voice is thick with false sweetness when Amanda says, “I’m asking you.”

He doesn’t have much of a choice, then. Offers a tight smile to Grant when he gets off the phone, pockets his phone. “Dad needs me. Cattle probably got loose.”

But Grant’s gaze snaps to Elijah’s, and his questions are lightning fast, one after another, until Elijah reaches out and grips Grant’s wrist. Intimate, for a man he’d met earlier that day. For a man with a curiosity for the unknown and a crazy loom in his eye when he talks about it. “I’m sure he’d welcome the help. My brother’s useless.”

“Bringing a strange man back to the house already?” Grant tsks, but leaves a twenty on the bar as he stands. “What will your parents say?”

Nothing, if Elijah has anything to do about it. “My mother knows you my name. I’d hardly consider you strange.”

The farm is a cacophony of noises when Elijah arrives there. A loud barking, his father’s deep voice as he hollers, the loud, angry mooing of a cow that does not want to follow orders.

“Yikes,” Grant says, closing the door to the driver’s side of his SUV. “Suddenly glad my parents run an orchard.”

“It’s not always like this,” Elijah says by means of explanation. Never once has he heard a dog barking here. His father’s allergic. He can make out his mother standing at the edge of the field, though, makes his way across the yard towards her. Grant’s headlights shine out toward her.

“Elijah,” she says, gripping his arm as he stops by her side. “Your father’s been at this for an hour. Something spooked the cattle.”

No shit. Even from here he can make out the door to the barn, broken off the hinges. “Dad leave the barn open?”

Amanda shakes her head. “No. Strangest thing. The hinges are bent.”

A chill runs through him; the hair on the back of his neck stands up. He takes a quick glance around the yard—lit up by the emergency lights his father had installed—but sees nothing, save for Grant as he makes his way towards them. “Not surprising,” he says. “Cattle are strong. Especially if the bull got out.” A beat. “So someone broke in?”

She takes a second to glance Grant’s way, a twinkle in her eye as he reaches out to shake her hand. “Grant. Didn’t realize Elijah was bringing help.” Before he can offer anything by means of explanation, she adds, “The more the merrier.”

Another bark sounds from the field, and Amanda whistles. “And this fucking dog. No idea where it came from.”

At her whistle, the dog comes bounding up to her, tongue wagging out of its mouth. In the dark, it’s a little different, but Elijah would recognize it anywhere. “Rocky?”

He barks, wags his tail. Amanda looks between them with a frown. “You know him?”

Elijah reaches to scratch his ears. “I met his owner the other day—” He almost says in the woods; doesn’t want to tell her what he was doing out there. “—does he come here often?”

“More than we’d like.”

Behind them, Grant adds, “Could it have been the dog who spooked them?”

Amanda shrugs. “Not likely. Allan nearly got one back to the barn before it ran off again.”

“You guys check the barn out?”

What? No. Elijah really doesn’t want to go play detective right now. He wants to go to the field, help his father wrangle the half-dozen cows and the bull back into their barns. But Grant’s already eyeing the barn, and Elijah’s not going to leave him on his own.

Not until he trusts what the fuck is going on here.

“Be my guest,” Amanda says. “After that, can you guys head out to the field?”

“Will do, Mama.”

Rocky follows at their heels, quieting the closer the get to the barn. The hair on the back of Elijah’s neck still stands on end, but, save for his mother and Grant, the farm’s clear—nothing out of the ordinary.

Grant whistles as he pulls on the door. “Damn thing’s strong.”

“Thing would’ve taken a truck to pull it off the hinges like this.” Elijah rubs his hand along the bent metal. The hinges look twisted, ruined beyond repair, the metal worn and fragile in places. “They’d’ve heard it.”

“No one’s gonna take a damn truck to a barn door, either. Easier to steal the cattle out of the pasture.” Grant seems lost in thought for a few seconds, then pulls a small flashlight from his pocket. “And that’s still a lot of work for half a dozen cattle.”

Old cattle, too. Allan does it more as a hobby, now, than as a way to make money. Breeds the cattle, trades them to keep the bloodlines clean. Elijah remembers some of it from when he used to live here. His father’s trips to cattle auctions.

“Elijah,” Grant says. His tone, soft, strange, not quite a whisper but not his normal tone, piques Elijah’s interest, and he follows Grant’s gaze to where he’s brushing his fingers along where the door used to sit against the side of the barn. He doesn’t see anything at first, just like Grant’s pressing against nothing, and then…

Three long, thick gashes in the wood, splintering the siding out. Like nails, fingernails, but… there’s nothing that could do that. A bear, maybe a cougar, but… “You’re seeing this, too, right?”

Anger flares in Elijah’s stomach. “You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.” Josh. He’s always been a joker, but—fuck, getting the cattle involved in his homecoming prank on Elijah? This isn’t some petty joke he’s playing, built from an old sibling rivalry he won’t let go of anymore. This isn’t just between them, and as soon as Elijah gets him alone, he’s going to tear his brother a new one.

He turns on his heel, back towards the field, towards where he can hear his father making whooping noises towards the cattle in the dark. Josh is—damn it. Usually better about this sort of thing. It’s not the first time one of his jokes has gone too far, but it’s about to be the last.

He comes across one of the cows before he sees his father. Behind him, he hears Grant’s footsteps. The cow makes a noise, distressed, and starts to stand. Elijah holds a hand out, palm up, and says, “Easy girl, you’re okay,” in a voice he hopes is soothing.

Still, she only makes concerned noises, struggling to get up, get away. Elijah turns, slow, moves so she’ll run towards the house, not farther into the field, still talking in quiet tones. “Easy—let’s get you back to the barn, yeah? Back to sleep? Bet Dad’s got some treats for you. How ‘bout you follow me?”

She moos again; this time, her voice breaks, and she stands, slow, staring off into the darkness behind Elijah. “Grant, you’re freaking her out,” Elijah says. “Can you back away, just a bit?”

No sound, though; no answer. Not even footsteps as Grant moves. Elijah turns, ready to ask him again, when he sees it—fur, thick, eyes glowing yellow in the dark, shining in the light from the yard. It stands tall, taller than Elijah by at least a foot, and its teeth glimmer, sharp and long. Arms, impossibly long, hang at its sides, its chest heaving with each breath.

It’s different, up close. Taller, thinner. Creepier. He thinks about Viola, about how her costume looks up close, and knows, without a doubt, this isn’t her.

His throat goes dry, his blood rushes like a river through his ears. He can’t scream, doesn’t know what he would say if he could, and hopes to tell Josh off for this, later, when the thing snarls, and the next thing Elijah sees is the large, clawed hand that reaches out, as if from the shadows, and punches him in the head.

He doesn’t remember falling.

[hcrris]

can ….. i come in ????? have been watching unbreakable kimmy schmidt for 3 hours pretending time isnt passing , life isnt real and in fact.. i am dreaming (-: lajdfksl hey <3 im jay im 21 and i love those instagram profiles of hamsters in little clothes ( when they got little purses? ???? dont talk to me im cryin. ) below u will find info about jane harris aka literally the vine of the little kid scribbling hard like his life depended on it. shes a mess ?? but a semi enjoyable mess. a mess with good intentions. if u want to establish some connections, LIKE THIS and i will come annoy u <3 alternatively u can ease my social anxiety and msg me here or through my discord sencha tea#4035 (و ˃̵ᴗ˂̵)و♡

( lily collins, cis female, she/her. ) — jane harris has been a medina complex resident for three years, now. they’re twenty-three years old, and they tend to avoid making eye contact. sometimes when i walk by B06, i hear cherry-coloured funk by cocteau twins playing. lately, i’d say they’re pretty effervescent, but sometimes that’s overwhelmed by the fact that they’re neurotic. i mean, they usually pay their rent on time, though, and that’s most important fact here.

repeatedly fixing the apartment number on the door when it swings down to a nine, a split moment of shadow after the radiance of laughter, carl sagan’s pale blue dot, a life of frequent minor accidents, constant hunger for balance overshadowed by emotional turbulence.

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TW ALCOHOLISM EMOTIONAL ABUSE DEPRESSION & ANXIETY !!!!! ok moving on

her parents met in art school in paris.. her mom is french and studied art history while her dad was an exchange student from california with a skewed artist mentality. it was that saccharine, toxic sort of love. her mom always felt like she needed to be the guardian angel in the relationship who would always hold him up when he was feeling down and he was feeling down….. a lot. because she was putting all that energy to save her relationship, she was drowning too but never enough to walk away. there was a lot of love there but it was twisted and uncomfortable at times

when they found out jane was on the way, it felt like they needed to suddenly grow up. her mom was ready to make changes, adapt to the new lifestyle. her dad, on the other hand, urged they rethink if this is what they want but he didn’t push for abortion.. he understood it was jane’s mothers choice to make and reassured that he would be there for the both of them no. matter. what. 

but ??? the reality was he felt trapped by the idea of a child and he struggled to acknowledge and accept how quickly his life was flipping upside down and how he lost all control of it. he wanted to travel around europe ???? soak in nature, daydream and make art . but jane’s mom wanted to settle. instead of embarking on adventures after graduating, they decided to move to california. 

things just seemed to fall apart like domino from then on. janes mom was lead astray.. thinking that what california would bring them was stability but instead, it was all chaos. they rushed to get married .. turned out janes father wasnt on good terms with his parents. he was irresponsible financially, put both his parents in huge debt, was blinded by his ego to ever realise his mistakes. lied constantly .. convincing janes mom that there’s light going forward. that once he finds a sponsor for his art .... once he sells his first piece ... once they see in him what he always saw in himself , he was going to make it right. and he reassured he would make it right for jane.

janes mom was so pathetically in love that she pushed through .. living in a sort of imagined world, believing that things were better than they actually were. and her dad was good at persuading that narrative. he would come home with a pocketful of cash and the bills paid. oftentimes, it was all an act. his art wasn’t selling and a lot of what he bragged about was borrowed or stolen. behind the curtain, he was absent and unmotivated. he would come home in the evening claiming that the whisky breath was celebratory but in reality, he was complaining to the barman two blocks away about how his life feels monotone .. like a french black and white movie.  

the day of jane’s birth was a whole mess. her father decided to drive her mother to the hospital, knowing he had one too many. they were caught for speeding and while janes dad spent the night at a nearby station for driving under influence, her mom was at the back of a cop car, crying for one too many reasons .. jane decided to hang on for a little while longer and was born at 3am the following night. cradled in her mothers arms and her dads voice humming on the line

jane would only ever hear the romanticised version of this story from her mother. this ??? fucked up sense of security that no matter what, love conquers all. that love means supporting each other, loving each other extra when everything else falls apart. but truth is.. her mother was forced to give up her own dreams, lost all connections to her past, worked days and nights at a nursing home to support her family and pitch in to her husbands alcoholism while she’s at it. making excuses that jane was too young to contradict. all while the only source of happiness for her father was the haziness of his evenings, when he felt like floating and he could barely hold onto to his paintbrush. he was a stranger living in their basement .. more than he was ever a father 

growing up, jane watched her mother mask her depression. carry empty bottles out from the basement, trying to hide it from jane .. it brought her shame. she was doing the same thing to jane that he was doing to her for all these years .. consistently expressing a certain attitude, this unwavering satisfaction for the life they are living and so ... it hardens. you start to believe it. except unlike her mother, jane was observant.. she had other lives around her to compare to her own, voices of reason that pierced through the skewed perception her mother drilled into her skull. when jane grew into her skin, she felt so ... disgusted and angry. she tried to pull her mother out of her fantasy but nothing worked. 

through her high school years, she felt helpless .. her home life was a nightmare and she made every possible attempt to stay out of it for as long as possible. she took on jobs and extracurriculars .. stayed at her friends’ house until she couldn’t. and she would think.. think so hard, she would start crying. pushing her own problems away .. in her head, she would imagine herself in a different skin, a different place. it was the only way she could calm her breathing. only to have to battle the same thoughts the following morning

after graduating high school, jane went to community college for product management got a job offering after her placement at a big company and moved out shortly after ( and MOVED IN to medina... can i get a yee yee ) .. she got insurance for the first time in her life and eats too many of free pizza slices at work to save up on groceries every week <3

she doesn’t visit her parents bc she no longer feels like her mother is on her team. she’s lived a maddening and terribly draining life and living alone has brought her deserving peace.. although she’d rather keep contact with her mother to a minimum, its obvious that jane is her mothers anchor. if she feels as though her daughter is not fighting for her, she breaks down.. as much as jane wants to run away from her past, it always seems to catch up 

if ur still reading literally who are u lafjdkl. ill be done schoon ..... oof 

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if they are friends ... jane. will. talk. ur. ear. off. but probably not for the right reasons lol .. she has never been assessed by a professional, isn’t taking any treatment but she definitely needs it :( shes a chronic overthinker.. the voice in her head keeps chattering away most of the time which gets a little nauseating. she hates silence and feels like she needs to fill it with words. she often says the wrong things .. to the wrong people ... at the WRONG time and she is very aware of it. its the culprit for her self doubt and struggle to open up emotionally to the people shes close to. shes very critical towards herself, she micro analyses everything from the way she acts, the way she looks and what she says. shes also not a fan of confrontation !!!!!!!BUT!!!!!!!!!!!

 she is a FIREBALL when she stands up for others. i dont know how she hasnt gotten into a physical fight yet. she would literally rip ur side mirror off ur car if u didnt wait for an old lady to cross the street. is intense in every possible way. if shes angry, shes angry and impulsive and out of control, when she is in love, she feels it in her bones and simultaneously wants to rip her hair out, when she’s passionate about something, she is persistent until she isn’t and when she loses motivation, everything feels bleak .. theres never any emotional balance, even though she fights so hard for it every day 

likes sci fi movies .. literally when they are Floating in space ???? SIGN! JANE! THE! FUCK! UP! letterboxd is probably her favorite app. sometimes she will post a review, read it over and over, find something wrong with what she said and then delete it. shes very neurotic. she either has good days where she can comfortably be herself or bad days, when it feels like everyone is judging her every move when in reality. ... it is always .. all in her head. 

and she is mostly in her head. she creates fantasies of her life, relationships platonic and romantic and as a result, nothing ever seems to measure up. she feels secure in her fantasies but oftentimes when it hits her that they are just that, fantasies, she ... feels really alone. 

will trip over her own feet . has like 5 bruises from washing the dishes </3

she works as a part of a product design team in a big company.. probably has the knowledge to move up the tier but does not have the courage to stand up for herself . she doesnt believe in herself and is kind of a pessimist .......  

got high one night and decided she wants to start an uber ....... only for women. but doesnt think its a good ide a (its a good idea. id like to think in 10 years time ... bitch made it) 

really weird. likes eating broad beans and frozen strawberries .. will literally eat a lemon. 

she will have different interests every week but never seems to be any good at anything ???????????? makes her sad. 

claims tidying up with marie kondo changed her life LAKJDSKLDJ

*draws curtains* anybody else tired? 

[ddonggeun]

Hey! So I’m suspecting if I got adhd/add but is there any symptom idk. It’s really exp here to get it diagnosed

sorry it took me a while to get back to you because honestly i dont know whats a good alternative for you can be so i guess i can share my own experience? 

first of all i think googling symptoms and types of adhd and reading peoples account on how adhd/add manifest is a good start? my doctor and the reddit /r/adhd REALLY help me to accept myself (which is the first step i think) but the way i get diagnosis (i am adhd with predominately inattentiveness - but at the same time i have depressions and dyslexia which is like a killer combo 10/10 would never rec) is that i came across with an article a couple months about how girls with adhd are more likely to be (mis)diagnosed with depression and it basically fucks up multiple generations because they cant get the help they need and i was like wait whats describe in it sounds kind of like me but at the same time i have always been very lethargic and rather well behaved in class growing up i am nothing like what you would typically associate with adhd (you know the hyper-activeness) so during my next visit to the doctor (im getting treatment for my depression) i mention to the article to her and she said wait you know what describe how you feel in a classroom setting growing up and is there anything you do that teachers complain about repeatedly and tell me how studying and doing homework is like to you and so i did (i can go further into details of my life since a lot contributes to why i only get diagnosis when im 21… let me know if you would like to know i guess?)

my doctor (who just so happens to be an adhd specialist and is quite active in the research area i didnt know before then we stan forever i love her really she is so encouraging and so good at her job) took some notes as i was talking and after im done she said you know what i think you might be onto something but i cant be sure yet (since i have depression and dyslexia which both overlaps quite a lot with adhd/add) why dont i first explain to you what adhd is and i’ll give you the set of official diagnosis questions you dont have to do it just take a look at it first do some research organize your thought talk to your parents about it and if you think getting a test on it is something you want we can set up another appointment and we can go from there - which is really really nice because adhd has always been a taboo at least with my upbringing it makes you a loser socially academically and you know just in general its not something you will want to have…. 

in hind sight there are SO MANY SIGNS even in early childhood how come no one notice i dont know prolly because i grew up in the 00s if you are different you need to kys lmao rip: 

trouble paying attention in school or work,

the appearance of not listening - although im an audio learner funny enough

avoidance of activities that require sustained focus,

being easily distracted 

restlessness

fidgeting and cant sit properly - i shake my legs or click my pen so much especially when im thinking or anxious lmao, i got into trouble a lot when i was younger because i only sit in my seat facnig the teacher 5 mins max at at ime then i move around or i move the chair around i think better when i cross my legs but i went to a uniform school and i always make my skirt too short so you know

interrupting - if i dont say what comes to mind when it comes to mind, the thought is gone forever

frequent talking and talking way too fast - i get the exact same comment every single report day class from when i was 4 till i graduated high school im not even kidding “she has excellent comprehension skill and reading speed. it would be great if parents can help her out a bit in maths or chemistry.  she has a lot of potential if she applies herself, she seems distracted although when we ask her questions she can answer. very helpful and bubbly and yet she talks too much in class. she is not disruptive and her seatmate never complains but she just doesnt stop talking. we have been pairing her up with quiet students in class in the hopes that she will talk less in class but she just turn the quiet student talkative”

trying to do multiple things at once - i cant do one thing at a time, even when im say writing a paper i need to be listening to music or talking to someone if not switching between tabs or word files

mood swings

hyperfocus - oh boy oh boy oh boy

impulsiveness - i dont know if i get better as i age or is it getting worse i just know how to clean up my mess lmaooooo

poor time management - although i would say ever since i start listening to stuff 24/7 it really helps build a sense of the passage of time or whatever? its like now i know ok by the time i get to the third song in the shower i need to be washing out my conditioner; or say i need to go somewhere in 40 mins which is really abstract to me i set timers and put on a show thats 35ish mins even tho im not watching it just so im aware of time is actually happening if it makes sense

fail to follow through - i start things and once i have it figure out in my head i struggle to put it down in words or explain it to others i work well with other adhd peps tho

doesnt follow instruction and only do stuff their way

burnout - this is the worst especially if you are a perfectionist or a control freak and guess who is both 

trouble coping with stress - 

i luck out because im canadian and my doctor (in my schools clinic) just so happens to be a specialist who is very passionate about helping undergrads and grad school students to achieve as much as they can - so doctor and diagnosis for me is free. i do have to pay for my medications out of my pocket for a bit since im on vyvanse (to treat both my adhd and depression-lead anxiety its complicated but it makes sense when my doctor explained it to me lol) and this drug isnt covered by Pharmacare (CAD $130ish for 3 weeks worth of 30mg, im mostly on 30mg but on days when i dont have work on stuff or go to school i take 20mg just so my anxiety dont cause me to explode lmao) and very expensive but recently my doctor and i have agreed that vyvanse really work for me and it is something that i should be on daily for the foreseeable future we applied for special authorization which means i only gotta pay the tax… of course medicating isnt a must but it is what works for me and we figure out a way to make it affordable so i cant be more happy about that

at the same time i work with my psychiatrist to you know configure the whole adhd thing cause you know 21 years of repressing and forcing your feet into a shoes that not even your size frick you up thats something people dont tell you 🤷🏻‍♀️

what my doctor said to me then stuck with me - she told me adhd or add really is no monster or flaw in fact it is a very valuable set of traits we inherit from our ancestor - we hate it now because modern society render these skills useless well you see adhd isnt all about the hyperactiveness you see in the media people with adhd are extra sensitive to their surrounding and prefer hands on experiences (today we call them distracted) they are always aware of the change around them and is capable to attend to a couple things at a time and act fast because their brains are always making sense of things even when they arent consciously doing it. in todays society we dont want these kind of people why? because they ask questions they are curious people who notice trivial stuff that dont contribute to productivity they cant sit still which makes them not the ideal factor workers or pupils BUT! you have to remember that industrialization started like a century ish ago before that our ancestors live in predominately tribal society - adhd people then are the perfect caretakers and protectors, why? because they are always noticing things they adapt and react fast… so yeah it kinda suck for us growing up in a system thats designed to be everything we are and it is something that need to be changed but for those of us who “made it out alive” especially people who only get diagnosed in adulthood more often than not they look back and realize they have developed so many incredible ways to cope to make things work - are they always the perfect way? are they always health? no definitely no but at the same time it shows you how incredible these people are they make things work yes things are really hard sometimes but you got to give yourself a pet in the shoulder for not giving up… with the help of science and research we now know a little more about how adhd affect people we now have medication and programs developed to help people with adhd - they arent to dumb you down or numb you but instead it helps you to focus better so you can actually hear your entire thought and not just phrases or sentence fragments

[cawcawpeasants]

Hey! I would like to ask for some Vermillion and Silva headcannons if the families were living in a modern world and maybe for the Black Bulls too? If it's not to much! Thanks!

Thanks for the ask, I will give it my best! :D

Mereoleona: Maybe in the Military, but she would also be awesome as a chef or sous chef in a high class restaurant. I could see her in a workplace thats a bit more secluded, as she doesnt like the fuss politics and economie bring with them. She owns a harley, next to a more practical jeep, and she loves to spend her vacations by making tours on her baby. She also loves Leatherjackets. In her free time she participates in Kickboxing-classes, sometimes even teaching the class when the instructor doesnt show up. Her house is full with weights and she has two maine coon cats (called Simba and Nala, because, even though shed rather die than to admit it, she loves the Lion king and never got over Mufasas death. She quietly checked up on Leon and her father when she couldnt sleep to make sure they were fine and still there)

Leon: He would make a great trainer for a famous team, whatever kinda sport. He probably would take over the familys business, though. It would fit, if their family has something to do with sports equipment. But actually, he is the perfect man for the job of police captain or higher up. Also much political influence, give due to his lineage. Before working he graduated from Law school and is an certificated Lawyer. He is also big on saving animal and helps fighting for their rights in his free time, especially big cats.

Leo: still in school, but he aspires to be like his bro. Hes great in Sports of all kind, and even the Captain of the soccer team. Apart from that he plays tennis, basketball, does judo, rows, and if you would place him on top of a horse he would even manage that. He still lives at home, but he is over at Leons so often that he has Keys, some stuff stored in a closet and the Pull-out couch is also always reserved for him.

Mimosa: Also still in school, wants to become a doctor since she was 5. She is pretty grown up, even for her age, and is a school council member. Sometimes she models for Kirsch, because she still loves him, even though they fight often. She likes to help the underprivileged by tutoring them, this way she met asta, who is a pupil on her sisterschool. 

Kirsch: Hes in college and studys fashion and design. He also works as a model, has gotten a role in a movie and runs his own fashion and make-up brand. (Keeping up with Kirsch is a running Headline in boulevard magazines)

Nozel: He would either make a kick-ass attorney or judge (with customized robes), but also be great as head of a company that has to do with aviary systems, satellites, planes or else. Also he has influence on politics and plans to run as major in the future. He is pretty old fashioned when it comes to his freetime-activities. He collects art, stamps and researches birds in quiet. Sometimes he funds expeditions to discover more about rare species, or integral nature reserves. He also bought many plots of lands, where endangered Birds live, all across the world, because the ongoing destruction of their habitat and their extinction is bothersome to him. He has degrees in law and business and is a wanted Single on the market, a circumstance that has led to him living more and more secluded, in the company of a grey parrot. (it once belonged to his mother and sometimes it would say sentences it copied from her)

Nebra: Nobody knows what Nebra does. Nobody dares to ask. She clouds herself in mist and mysteries. She probably works for the government.

Solid: He goes to college, majors in either business or law, because the family wants him to do that. Actually he is more a partyguy, the typical fratboy. Obviously, the frat is like completely his because Silvas of many generations were members. Also he has a thing for fast silver cars. Nozel hopes he will grow out of this eventually. 

The Bulls: Okay, this one is tough, I have tried to think of a place where a bunch of adults, teens and kids can live together at. So how about they are all neighbors in a House with cheap rent, and over time they formed a big family?

Noelle: She goes to school, and after she was kicked out she emancipated herself. She moved into the Black bull mansion and lives from her allowance. She works as a waitress in the cafe-bar-restaurant on the groundfloor of the building.

Asta: He and Juno both got scholar ships, he especially for his physical abiltys, but the money wasn’t quite enough for an accomodation, so he lives in a small, run down 1-room apartement and also works in the restaurant, but as a bouncer. 

(No, im sure its not legal for minors to work in such a place, but they need the money)

Finral: is a manager and bartender, ran away from home and landed there. After his family got more and more abusive he couldnt stay any longer and nearly ended up as a gigolo, but Yami saved his behind before he could self destruct. He still has the bad habit of flirting with every woman he sees, and hes a day dreamer, but all he wishes for is to find the perfect wife, to have many children and be a stay at home dad. He has a lot of love to give and many holes in his heart to fill. For the time being he is something like the eldest brother of the bulls, and whenever someone has to disappear because some investigations are going on, he knows of many hiding spaces and secret escape-ways.

Vanessa: Also ran way from home because of her abusive mother, is from another country and was found by yami shortly after she ran away. Now she also works as a bartender and sometimes as waitress. She has great talent with sewing, crocheting, making and changing clothes. She takes on jobs on the low from the bulls and other people, she even sells some of her works over the internet.

Gordon: Due to his shyness and anxiety he chose to move into a rather antisocial environment, but got aggressively adopted anyways by the bulls. He makes money as accountant, for the Bulls and over the internet.

Gauche: basically, his story is the same, and after his imprisonment was over hes out on probation) Yami got him a room in the building. Sometimes he works as a bouncer, when they are short on staff, otherwise he works in a library or old book shop. During the nights he takes online classes to graduate from school, so he can one day get a well paying job to provide Mary with all the money she needs to get through live easily.

Magna: Is a punk who got picked up by Yami one day, after he and Luck fought in front of the black bulls base. He works at a local shelter, and plays baseball with kids at the community center. Hes a good guy with a tough demeanor. He also tries to help Yami whenever he can, with whatever he can.

Luck: After his mother died he was sent to a social living community, where his attitude to fight everyone was only strengthend. He ran away after an especially bloody fight and landed on Magnas hometurf. They got into a fight, which woke Yami up, and so he and Magna both ended up living there. Yami said, it was so they could attone for their sin of disturbing his sleep. Luck and Magna share a 2-Room flat, because there weren’t that many 1-room ones left. He works as a courierboy and is known for his quick deliverys, but he also really has a knack for electro-engineering. He plans to graduate, too, someday and to open up his own business.

 Charmy: Nobody exactly knows where Charmy comes from exactly. She just turned up one day after she saw, that the Bulls looked for a chef. She only talks about food, and the bulls understood after a while that she really does not want to talk about her past or family. All they know is that she is smaller than average for her age and that her obsession with food could come from shortages of that in her early life.

Gray: Is a nonbinary youth who ran away and lived on the streets. They like to change their looks, now that they make money by working for the black bulls, often just washing dishes, restocking and such. They are great at adapting to new jobs, if these dont require much human interaction. Also the peptalks from the bulls really help. They also posses a great talent for theater works, such as costume design and make up. If they weren’t so shy they would be a great actor too.

Zora: He is one of those inhabitants that come and go. Mostly hes some kind of lone wolf crusader, some sort of social justice warrior who either helps the poor when he sees them being mistreated or posts videos showing misconduct of upperclass jerks. He has a whole network going on, and often sends his videos to the police or news senders, if he has the feeling, that the law enforcement is sweeping something under the rug. He has a high IQ and is proficient in hacking. His mask is his sign, he always wears it when hes in action.

Yami: He is the son of immigrants, or was an illegal immigrant himself. If that was the case, i can imagine that Julius helped him getting citizen status after Yami stopped a Criminal on the run who just happened to run into his direction, looking dangerous and armed. He either is a Detective (private, not police), a headhunter or probation officer. Could also be a cop. Also he runs the Black Bulls bar, mostly so the inhabitants have a place to work at. 

- The Vermillions main Mansion would be huge, but more modern. Much space, training rooms, sports equipment, Medals, trophys and certificates won in various tournaments of all kinds by Mereo, Fuego and Leo covering a whole room.

-The Silvas Mansion would also be huge, but more in a Victorian ‘This house belonged to our family for generations’style. The colourscheme is cold, lots of Silva, blues and dark wood. Also so many chandeliers. So many. Also the family crest is everywhere. Its a place that could easily become a filmset for a historical movie. 

-They don’t have their name on the Postbox, just the crest. Thats how extra they are about it. (This has also often led to drunk or confused people thinking they are some sort of special church, and then trying to enter the house. These incidents always end with unamused Silvas)

- All the eldest children have moved out of their main Mansions, and live in Flats, Appartments and Mereo in a small house a bit out of the city. They all only come back together for celebrations or in cases of emergencies.

-The Black bulls Castle is officially Julius property, because he has the money and power, also he wants to help his eldest son Yami out. Its a total mess, but the Bulls manage to repair most of it themselves. They love their broken down house so much, the started to call it their castle on the clouds, mostly because it is the biggest building they’ve ever lived in, with more luxury they ever imagined they would ever get to enjoy. 

[manuskrip]

Goodbye Asian Beauty Standards

I was born in a region where their people’s beauty standard is everything i’m not and where physical does matters. and the fact that i’ve never been successful in my own love life. 

My first ex boyfriend cheated on me and my first love treated me like a shit. And this of course the start of how my insecurities and super low self esteem came out. As a girl, it is not so easy for us to accept and realize and be grateful with the beauty we have in our body when….

when you were born in Asia.

When you were born there, all the things you could probably think about soon as you’re a teenager is how to look (at least) okay everytime-everywhere start from the head to toe. But as i grew up, i realized, that I was probably raised in a very wrong state of mind. That beautiful is expensive. that beautiful is white skin, thin lips, slim body, and make up. It’s not a big thing if you can find “beauty skin care’ everywhere on the streets in Asia, let’s say, in my country, Indonesia. It’s crazy to see how it is in Korea where people are allowed to have plastic surgery here, plastic surgery there. slimming pills are made and even worst there are some people who’s trying to be an anorexic because they wanted to look like barbies. Vegan is more like a trend, and fake face in filters are bombing social media.

meanwhile… there’s thousand people who were born unluckily under the standards they saw on the TV. but hell, if we think about it, is it really about people who were born unlucky because they don’t fit the standards or because they were born around judgmental asshole’s circumstances?

so lemme tell you one story.

I am 21 years old girl who has a tanned or let say sun-kissed that’s not so respectable in Asia. My lips are thick (maybe not as sexy as Angelina Jolie’s) and has 2 colors (even worst). i don’t have slimmy-stick-anorexic-posture of body. i mean, with everything i had, im way too far to be able to be called “beauty” according to Asian beauty standards.

And my bad experiences with guys really convinced me how i feel like i don’t deserve being happy with just being myself. I feel like no one will look at me like i really am and will like me despite all of my physical appearance. 

When i was still in junior high school, a dad of a friend of mine even called me nisa monyet -- means nisa monkey. And sometimes people (few of them) made a joke about me because i was so brown. they called me “nisa hitam” = “nisa black” which kind of confusing since i’m not even black.

When i was in senior high school i had my (i guess) 17th birthday and i remember my close friends gave me a very big black doll. And they (auf jeden Fall) refer it to me cause i’m ‘black’ and fat. i accepted it of course, it was a gift, and it was the only way to be polite. but yeah it was kind of hurting. even if thats what they called joking.

When i was in studien-kolleg a friend of mine was drunk and all of sudden texted me calling me ‘nisa miskin’ = ‘nisa poor’. Poor like literally poor who doesn’t have money. Cause that’s how people in my country sees through their glasses, that poor people has black skin, that if you’re black or brown, you will be categorized as poor people that never taking care about themselves. So as we know, drunk people always talk what’s on his mind, so he might as well labelled me as one. since i was a kid, i’ve already been used to people who underestimated me. 

those people who says bad words to me might be just joking, but those people never know how such mean words could affect another people’s life.

The thing is, this whole time, i’ve never lived in a year where i will feel confident about myself. i did have a massive lack of confidence. For years, for more than 7 years i feel like i’m ugly. Isn’t it so pathetic?

I tried to, alright, accepting myself and i was for several years focusing on something else. Focusing on me and things that i like. ever since then, i started to close my self, and to close my feelings. i started not to care about everybody else who’s in the end will not going to appreciate me because, i dont know maybe they’re ashamed having me as girlfriend or whatever. I cut the words “boys” and “boyfriends” and “love life” from my dictionary. and i’m getting used to it. i’m getting used to be all by myself. And i’m ready to move, into another place, in a hope that people don’t see me only through their eyesight. 

and then i moved to Germany. first year was not as good as i thought it would be, but still, it was a lot more better. i don’t have to follow the beauty statement like in my home country. i can be the person i want to be, and no one cares about how i look like. and this way i feel grateful to finally be able to appreciate myself more, to appreciate the simplest things in life, appreciate my skin colour, my eyes, my hair, my capability to adapt, my capability to live alone, my money, water, foods, everything, even to appreciate my own flaws. i learned a lot of things i would probably wouldn’t care about when i just stayed in a cave where people throw me shits because of the things i couldn’t choose before i was born. 

but yeah many people think studying abroad is so easy and exciting and luxurious, and cool. but darling, life is sadly not like a movie. People see less about how it is to live abroad cause social media --Instagram-- shows them so much lies. but no i won’t talk about it now. i will elaborate more about this topic in another page. 

back to where we were before, so yeah i started to piece by piece building my own relationship here. which also makes me think about writing it down. Friends, relatives, and boys. 

with a less capability of speaking germans and culture shock of course its a hard thing to do. at first it didn’t really work out. dealing with your own norms that your parents have been taught you this whole 20 years and thinking about how to fit in. the first six month was okay, i was still trying something new, i was still feeling the euphoria living in a cool country. but i can say the next sixth months  after was the hardest time. i started to realize that i might be hated here. i closed my self even more. i mean i do have lots of friends but they’re all mostly just slightly/superficially know me. there’s still no one i’m comfortable to be my own self with. there’s still no one i would like to tell my both sad and happy stories. the study is getting harder, the weather is getting worse, the purse is getting slimmer. my life is like so monotone. going to the Uni everyday, studying at night, doing Lab twice a week, cleaning up my room, cooking, partying on the weekend. that’s all. there was no sparkle that at least lighting up my life. Besides, my family is so far away. So there’s nothing really made me feel happy. and i felt so empty. and then i started to think about boys.

surprisingly, i’ve been dating a few western here. or precisely, Germans. it was so various, i mean i met lots of guys with different backgrounds. i once dating an athlete who happened to be my own senior at the University, once dating a racist capitalist, once dating a nice innocent happy go lucky guy, once dating a broken yellow fever, once dating a rich business man with mercedes benz, etc etc. but it was all turn out just like a speck in the dust because once again, its really not so easy to find a person you can really get along with, when you live in a place where the people don’t speak your language, don’t do your culture, don’t understand your jokes, and don’t have the same experiences like how hard and struggle it is to live like this.

until i met this beautiful and stupidly smart master graduate french, who turned out to be my highlight of the year and to be a person who brought more lights in to my darkness. To be my current boyfriend. 

I don’t get what he sees in me. and i guess i never will. However, it’s the start of a better Nisa. I probably would never recognize it if my friends hadn’t tell me . She said that i’m now being more confident and comfortable about with self.

This might sounds so lame but for the first time in my life, i feel like i’m beautiful with all of the things he does. And i’ve never had such thing before because no one has ever made me feel like i do. He made my flaws seems like they’re not. He made me finally found out, that this whole time, my perspective was wrong, that i was being so ungrateful with what i have, that Asian Beauty Standards are bullshit. 

Great news for today: i find my old friend again; confidence.

furthermore, among thousands of citizens in Stuttgart, i think i found a best friend. and i’m sure that the story about him will still to be continue.

but now i’m proudly say, Goodbye Asian Beauty Standards!

[seouliloquy]

I feel like the universe hates me.

I didnt get the need-based scholarship this semester. I went in to find out what the deal was and they said since i already got it twice they gave preference to other students who didnt get it yet.

Which makes like no sense cause everyone knows that without selling yor body its impossible to earn full tuition by yourself in Korea.

I mean i chose this path so its my fault and i should have prepared to pay the whole thing from the beginning right? But stupid me, relying in my advisor's recommendation letter to help me out I naively assumed i could safely earn half of it during the summer vacation and be okay.

I made the mistake of making this assumption and treating myself to a new workout outfit. I mean i've been exercisig a lot too and making decent fitness progress top so i deserve it right?

Then i find this out.

Which means i can apply for the tuition payment in installments...but that still means that somehow, magically, i need to increase my income by 800,000 won per month to make the payments and still manage 6 major classes.

And then i go to pay my health insurance today and at least get that taken care of because if i'm gonna be killing myself to survive this semester i better be able to pay for my likely hospital visit.

Speaking of which i still havent gotten my eye exam or blood test that I was supposed to get in uh...March....i'm sure my doctor thinks i left the country. But i need the discount on my tests and prescriptions....when i eventually get around to getting them done.

And O is just like "quit the jobs you have now, and stop playing soccer. my friend worked in a bar in Itaewon for 9,000 per hour and she even got tips i will ask her about it"

Okay, 9000 won per hour, in Itaewon, sounds sketchy to me. I dont trust it. Also that means late hours bartending and no tume to study and quitting the single thing i do that makes me happy anymore and having so social interaction with anyone anymore. Also i hate itaewon. Full of greasy scumbag men that will follow me and bother me and i dont even want to breathe the same air as them. And my current sandwich shop job is great, im the best employee and my boss values and respects me. The problem is i cant get more hours from him.

And my taekwondo and soccer classes are done as of today because they dont match up with my class schedule this semester. All of my classes finish at 5pm

She says "just try it this way" so easily. She has a 4.1 GPA and got full paid scholarship this semester and last semester. She hangs out with her friends all the time. She works enough to give herself pocket money and buy stuff online all the time and spend her entire life in the study rooms but she complains about gaining weight while eating chocolte and ramyun noodles all the time and hates exercising. Thats fine on her, she can do what she wants with her life. But for me, being active has helped me so much. Because its part of who I am, i was active my whole life and being a sedentary miserable student has been my downfall into depression and weight gain and more health problems.

I had signed up for a 7km marathon with two korean friends and their friends as a group and now i'm considering selling my ticket to extra cash.

And then to make everything worse, my ARC card is missing and i need to pay my health insurance. If i wait 3 weeks for a new card i'll have to pay for august, september and October all at once and i'll have no coverage until then and who knows wtf will happen knowing my luck.

O isnt planning on going to grad school. She's gonna get married with her bf and live haplily ever after doing who knows whatever. I need to go to grad school. My degree (if i even manage to finish this shit) is useless otherwise. All my time abroad and time spent studying will have no value as an American who can only speak English and decent Korean. I have no other skills except food service. I will graduate with no research or lab experience because my university sucks at having these kind of opportunities (for foreign students) and i will have no time to even volunteer or do an internship because i will have to WORK to survive.

And everyone is like "just take a semester off" like Koreans just dont get it at all and it drives me nuts.

I'm half ready to just pack up my shit and leave forever and just give up. I am just SO exhausted. Everytime anything good happens to me or I do one little thing for myself or makes me feel good (i completely regret going out for chicken and beer after work yesterday) shit like this happens. I'm tired of constantly having to find another job every 4 months. I'm runnig out of adaptability HP.

I just want a real break, for once. Like today os the last day of summer "vacation" and i'm not even excited or nervous about starting the semester but rather freaking out about how i will survive.

I'm not willing to quit my sandwich shop job because it gives me almost unlimited free food and it has so far been the most positive working environment i have had in the almost 5 years i've lived here. And its close to home so no commute cost or time...but getting more hours is the problem.

[harry-writings]

I'm starting college soon and just was wondering how it was adjusting? How do you balance studying and social life? How did you figure out your major and find out what you want to do with your life? What are your grades like and how often do you study and how do you study? Sorry for all the questions but im really nervous and dont know anything and i dont want to do badly my first year

Haha, a lot of questions, so I’ll answer each one as best as I possibly can :)

1: Adjusting to college was definitely a bit stressful. Was it bad? No, certainly not bad at all (at least for me). The only extreme adjustment I had to adapt to was my environment. I grew up in upstate New York my whole life, living where everything was a car ride away, living with very friendly, humble people, living in nature and having more of a secluded environment. So moving to New York City was pretty tough, even though I had visited many times when I was growing up. The hustle of my environment, the traveling on subways, the fact that I was walking all the time, and the people kind of giving off the whole “I don’t give a fuck attitude” was not something I was used to (but obviously, strangely love)

I don’t know where you plan on going to college, so that may not apply to you. Making new friends, getting along with those around you, and getting used to homework and college life can be a bit difficult. But honestly, being in a residence hall helps tremendously when it comes to making friends. 

Just remember, everyone is in the same boat as you. Nobody really knows anyone yet, you aren’t an outsider when it comes to socializing and adjusting to new people in new environments. Honestly, don’t be shy. People want friends Freshman year of college.

As for adjusting to school work, it’s a pain in the ass. High school doesn’t really prepare you for the college grading system, or the college life in general. In all honestly, adjusting to college school work is different for everybody. Me, personally, was shit at it. I walked out of first semester with a 3.3 GPA (which may be good for some people but wasn’t a mark that really showed my true potential), and it wasn’t necessarily because there was a ton of work, or because I was lazy. It was just the college adjustment as a whole, it’s an entirely different atmosphere we aren’t used to. Just find what works for you, work on improving from high school. Perhaps your time management, study habits, or homework habits. Whatever set you back in your past is what you should really be focusing on tackling in the beginning of college. 

2: As for balancing study life and social life, that was one of the things I found easiest. Although having friends and being with your friends is one of the best feelings, you have a lot more time to do that than you think. College is not always all work, especially your first semester. Work and education should always come first, however, shouldn’t be every part of your life. You’ll find time to do both the way you need to, and if you don’t, you’ll be aware of it and will figure out how to manage those times perfectly. 

3: When it came to figuring out my major, I relied heavily on my interests in high school. At first, I wanted to study in Journalism. It was a go-to for me for a while, but as time went on, I realized I’d love to work in the field of Psychology. Human behavior and the human mind has always been one of my most prominent interests, and I love every second of it.

And if you think I know what I want to do with my life, ha, that’s funny. It changes almost every day. Maybe a therapist? Or maybe a counselor? What about criminal psychology? It changes often, I’m pretty sure I won’t know what I want to do until my second semester of sophomore year, I still have a lot to learn. (And if you’re wondering, I’m currently thinking about Human Relations, this will most likely be something I stick to for a while) (maybe) (watch me switch by tomorrow).

4: As I said previously, my grades first semester were okay. Could have been worse, but also could have been better. Currently, however, for this semester, I have a 4.0 (wow Izzy what a change). Yes, yes, a huge jump, but it’s because I took the time to improve myself. I’ve been really focusing on my grades because I really want to go to a competitive graduate school, such as NYU or NYU or NYU or fricken NYYUUUU. I also want to be really successful in my career, build my resume, get offered great internship opportunities, and honestly, make myself and my family proud. School has become something I really enjoy, and want to make the best out of my education.

My studying is kind of all over the place. I study 3 days before a test. If it’s a final, I give myself around a week, give or take, depending on the class. Like, math? A week, because I’m not very good at math, at all, ever. For Psychology? About three days, simply because I’m more passionate about it and, therefore, retain more information throughout the semester. 

I prefer to study and do homework in the library, as well. The library, mentally, puts me in a work mode and lets me get everything I need to get done, done. I just keep reading course material, making study guides on my computer, read, read, read, and read. Writing doesn’t really help me with my studying (personally) because with my horrible tendencies to feel the need to write 100% perfect all the time, I spend more time focusing on my handwriting than I do retaining information. But again, writing may help you, so do whatever works best for you.

Don’t be afraid, you’ll kick ass! Trust me, you’ll be fine. Love you and good luck xx

[smokeblooded-blog1]

REALLY LONG  CHARACTER  SURVEY.  RULES.  repost ,   don’t  reblog  !    tag  10  ! good  luck  !  TAGGED.  i took it from myself bc i was bored  TAGGING. spiritmiinded, soughtdawn, clandestinesque, spyblooded, starveincd, pastryblooded, and anyone else who wants to do it who hasnt already

BASICS.

FULL  NAME :  jean otus NICKNAME :  the cigarette peddler / receiver depending on the translation, the cigaretter receiver jean AGE :  thirty BIRTHDAY :  unknown ETHNIC  GROUP :  white NATIONALITY :  german (? subject to change) LANGUAGE / S : english, japanese, german SEXUAL  ORIENTATION :  bisexual ROMANTIC  ORIENTATION : biromantic RELATIONSHIP  STATUS :  verse dependent, canonically single HOME  TOWN / AREA :  born in the Bādon district of the country (at the beak of the bird) CURRENT  HOME : he currently still lives in Bādon in a large apartment complex (he lives on the top floor, but only because he and his sister manage the building) PROFESSION :  second in command at the ACCA inspections department

PHYSICAL.

SKIN : fair skin that is scarless for the most part, no acne or notable blemishes except for some small birthmarks of no particular shape on his lower back EYES:  sky blue; the perfect blue color. they are often shaped in a tired, disinterested look of a poker face, but when smiling the softness is shown through them the most. more emotion can be seen through jean’s eyes than any other feature on him FACE :  his face is rather long for the most part, not a baby face in any form, but it doesnt look scrawny or make him look sickly either. he has a longer nose as well that is more lengthy on the bridge than the point itself LIPS :   arent particularly special. theyre not too thick, not too thin, and they are often in a straight line / resting. they dont get chapped often because he drinks enough to keep them hydrated and they are not bitten or chewed at in any form. when smiling, small dimples (barely noticiable) come on his cheeks  COMPLEXION : isnt anything particularly special. its not like he keeps his skin flawless (he has no particular interest in that), but jean is one of the lucky ones who is blessed to not have much acne. he cleans his face in the shower / when its dirty, but with that taken out of the picture, jean doesnt participate in washing it to the excess. its just naturally free of acne and other blemishes. he doesnt get red faced either, nor does he (or would he) wear makeup to cover it up BLEMISHES : besides the small birthmarks on his lower back, he doesn’t have any SCARS :  none TATTOOS :  none HEIGHT :  177.5cm / 5′10″ WEIGHT :  72.57kg / 160lbs BUILD :  has muscle, but nothing extraordinary. his strongest muscle point is in his wide / broad shoulders, but the rest of body just has lean muscle. he appears rather thin, so you wouldnt be able to tell he had much muscle unless stripping him down / seeing him shirtless / etc. he has a flat stomach, but there isnt much developed muscle through his stomach. the abs are there, but nothing noticable, really FEATURES :  nothing particularly notable ALLERGIES : bee stings. there arent many bees in Bādon, but when jean travels to other districts he often has to bring medicine with him just in case he does get stung USUAL  HAIR  STYLE :  golden hair with an undercut underneath a near-bowl hair style USUAL  FACE  LOOK :  he typically is expressed with a poker face. jean doesnt smile often, or really show many other expressions for that matter, but all of his expressions are vibrant (but short lasting). his smile comes out a lot when hes drunk USUAL  CLOTHING : typically hes seen wearing his ACCA uniform, with or without the jacket 

PSYCHOLOGY.

FEAR / S :  losing the people hes close to (i.e lotta and niino for the most part) ASPIRATION / S :  completing his work every day, leaving ACCA somewhere down the line, finding niino (post ep8) POSITIVE  TRAITS :  adaptable, calm, candid, capable, compassion, determined, easygoing, empathetic, faithful, friendly (though it sometimes seems otherwise), honest, open-minded, punctual, etc NEGATIVE  TRAITS :  absent-minded, bored (sometimes), distracted, dull (before getting to know him), oblivious, etc MBTI : DEFENDER (ISFJ-A) ZODIAC : virgo (subject to change) TEMPEREMENT :  phlegmatic SOUL  TYPE / S :  the helper ANIMALS :  mouse VICE  HABIT / S :  SMOKING FAITH :  christian (however, he is not very spiritual. religion does not matter much in his life, he just has his basic beliefs in the entity itself) GHOSTS ? :  yes, but not a strong belief AFTERLIFE ? :  yes REINCARNATION ? : probably not ALIENS ? :  yeah he would POLITICAL  ALIGNMENT :  ACCA EDUCATION  LEVEL :  high school graduate

FAMILY.

FATHER :  a poor man prior to managing an apartment complex (the one that was passed to jean and lotta after his death) that does not have much known about him. jean doesnt talk about him much because of his higher fondness towards his mother, but his father was not a particularly bad man. currently deceased from a train wreck MOTHER :  a woman who was formerly the second princess of Dowa, but was removed from the royal roster for the sake of the country. she kept this to herself, even her husband and children when she met them / they were born, because she had faked her death to become a commoner on the streets. currently deceased from a train wreck SIBLINGS :  lotta otus, approximately eighteen to twenty years old, is the younger sibling of jean. she has a striking resemblance to her mother, as jean notes, and currently lives with him in their shared apartment on the top floor. has a love for bread, pasteries, and just food in general really. she and jean are quite close to one another EXTENDED  FAMILY :  king falke II (jean’s grandfather, the current king in power), prince schwan (cousin), other royal family members NAME  MEANING / S :  jean’s first name in hebrew quite literally means “gift from God” while otus means “keen of hearing” in Greek HISTORICAL  CONNECTION ? :  historically speaking, jean is of a royal family bloodline. he does not know this for most of his life, nor does he care about it once he finds out that he is apart of it. he would have been the next king in line instead of schwan if not for his mother being removed off of the roster, but his bloodline is still all the more royal

FAVORITES.

BOOK :  he hasnt read a book unrelated to work in some time, so he doesnt really have one MOVIE :  see above 5  SONGS :  jean listens to a lot of untitled instrumentals, mostly because it appeals to him. he will listen to other things on and off, but his favorite thing is typing in something along the lines of “relaxing music” in the search bar and clicking one of the 8 hour videos and just letting it play. he doesnt need to know the tracks, theyre good enough for him like this DEITY :  speaking as hes christian, god / jesus obv HOLIDAY : christmas MONTH :  he doesnt have one SEASON : spring. jean likes things to be mild and, despite how flimsy spring can be, he doesnt mind it too much. he likes when its not too hot, not too cold, but doesnt like it to be as chilled and rainy as it can be in fall. spring brings about rain as well, but not nearly as often as fall does, so this is a higher preference for him PLACE : at the bar / anywhere with niino, at home / anywhere with lotta, a bakery, the roof of the apartment complex WEATHER :  he likes sun, but he doesnt like when its too hot. it has to be like, mild, because if its too hot then its uncomfortable for him. he likes when its breezy as well but, like previously said, not too much. just enough so that it isnt chilly SOUND :  niino / lotta’s laugh, a gentle breeze blowing, rain SCENT / S :  strawberry, cigarette smoke, baking bread, faint cologne scents (i e: a specific brand that niino wears), warm food cooking TASTE / S :  strawberries, tobacco, bread (specifically tough bread) FEEL / S :  the cigarette between his fingers, people he trusts rubbing his back, people he trusts petting his hair, silk ANIMAL / S :  cats NUMBER :  he doesnt have one COLORS :  blue

EXTRA.

TALENTS :  figuring out when someone is lying to him (for the most part), investigating BAD  AT :  getting close to people, expressing his emotions in a way that isnt just deadpan / poker faced, cooking, holding his liquor, dealing with social events (he isnt anxious, he just doesnt like being at them that much) TURN  ONS :  body worship (receiving), care, confidence, dirty talk, minimal marks, praise, soft biting (more to be added most likely) TURN  OFFS :  being too rough (he likes it softer, more making love-esque), having to beg too much, too much teasing (a little is okay) (more to be added most likely) HOBBIES :   drinking with niino, smoking (is this considered a hobby? idk), listening to music, going to bakeries TROPES :  “Royal blood”, “Smoking is cool”, etc QUOTES :  “I never noticed I had an observer you’d assigned to me. But he isn’t a straightforward guy.” (to Grossular, about Niino) || “I smell tobbaco on you.” || “I try not to think of my subordinates as exceptional. After all, doubting them is my job.” (to Eider)

MUN QUESTIONS.

Q1 :   if  you  could  write  your  character  your  way  in  their  own  movie ,   what  would  it  be  called ,  what  style  would  it  be  filmed  in ,  and  what  would  it  be  about ?           A1 :   what does ??????? this question even mean asldkfj Q2 :   what  would  their  soundtrack / score  sound  like ?           A2 :   itd probably be a lot of soft music. nothing super upbeat like pop and nothing like rock either. itd be maybe soft indie music, instrumentals, stuff like that Q3 :   why  did  you  start  writing  this  character ?           A3 :   you know, i honestly wasnt going to write any muse from this fandom? i figured the rp part of it would be dead after i couldnt find anyone after some time, but a few of my friends got wound up with the show after i talked about it so much and after they decided to make blogs, i made the decision to join them. even though i dont get that many interactions and this blog is still extremely new, i love being on jean. hes a really good character and im glad my friends convinced me to write him Q4 :   what  first  attracted  you  to  this  character ?           A4 :   honestly, it didnt come immediately. i never disliked jean, but i thought he was rather plain at first, which is to be understandable when you know how he is. i didnt think there was anything striking about him at all and i was more attracted to niino (i still am attracted to / love niino). that said, jean started to come to live more as the anime progressed and i found that hes really just a sweet bean and is VERY cute and i love him so so much. i think it was episode 3 when he was blushing / being precious and adorable while drunk that really got me getting gay for him Q5 :   describe  the  biggest  thing  you  dislike  about  your  muse.           A5 :  definitely the fact that he smokes. i dont hate people because they smoke, but i have an extreme aversion to smoking due to the fact that i not only have asthma and its very bad for me to be around, but because of the fact that it smells awful Q6 :   what  do  you  have  in  common  with  your  muse ?           A6 :  mmm, i think we’re similar in the fact that we’re pretty introverted and / or reserved and we like being away from social events and such Q7 :   how  does  your  muse  feel  about  you ?           A7 :   i hope he likes me. i love him so Q8 :   what  characters  does  your  muse  have  interesting  interactions  with ?         A8 :   honestly ? all of the interactions on my blog so far are great. my niino spyblooded and i already have like a kajillion threads and he loves their niino so so much <3. clandestinesque and i have an interesting thread and im not quite sure where we’re going to go with it but ive enjoyed it so far !!. spiritmiinded / astrallance and i also have good interactions too. we had great ones when i was still on keith too and im super happy that im still writing with them over here :’) Q9 :   what  gives  you  inspiration  to  write  your  muse ?         A9 :   i  dont really get inspiration, im just kinda here, writing because i enjoy it lmfao Q10 :   how  long  did  this  take  you  to  complete ?           A10 :   idk exactly but 2-3 hours probably ? longer than it took me to complete keiths i know that