#gotta remind myself why i do it which is not the money

[desire-mona]

no fucking wonder jerma is the way he is, subbed one class for the teacher i work with and i already feel like im going insane

[jellogram]

So I'm planning two trips right now and one is for work and one is using my freebie stipend (ie I picked the destination) and it really underscores how much better it is when I'm not beholden to work rules. Like yes, I do very much want this trip to Italy, but holy fucking shit man it's like a 2-stop flight with day-long layovers and overnight flights and 5am departures. If I flew a few days later or into a different city, it would be ten times easier. But you don't get that kind of flexibility with work trips so it's like instead of paying with money I am paying with stress.

[m1ssunderstanding]

Notes on Nowhere Boy

Finally posting the long version of the close-watch I did for @sleeper9's Fete zine. The bad thing about me is I hate spending money and love pirating shitty quality versions of movies. The good thing about the Beatles fandom is we're used to dealing with grainy pics. Anyways, here goes!

The opening ten seconds really do set the tone for the film, and here's why. It's the opening of A Hard Day’s Night where the boys are running from a hoard of screaming fans and George biffs it. John sees him go down, laughs, and keeps running. Only here, it's just John. George’s fall has been erased, making John into a cocky, if slightly insane, little lone hero. 

Mimi: do I ignore you? No. So please don't ignore me. Me: ummm, yeah you do ignore him, Mimi. Enough to leave deep psychological scars. But it's fine. Moving on.

Ugh, Uncle George is so sweet! I wonder how much of John's sweetness he learned from him. I wish we knew more about him.

Actually that was Jim that set up a cord running into Paul's room from the radio downstairs. But it fits Uncle George's character, so it works. 

Why did they make Mendips look a lot more working class than it actually was? No fancy iron fence, no pretty hexagonal outcropping, no stained glass veranda? 

Aaron Taylor Johnson is nailing it though. The laugh sounds very John, and this posture? Perfect. 

Okay but if that doesn't heartbreakingly encapsulate John and Mimi I don't know what does. Uncle George has just died. John goes to Mimi, wraps her from behind in a tight embrace and lets out a sob. Her response is to push him away. “Please, let's not be silly. If you want to do that, go to your room.” Alright, it's making me feel things, it's winning me over. 

John making his cousin Stan go and ask Mimi where Julia is is also extremely accurate. Always had someone to do the dirty work for them, all of them. 

Mimi's concern as John's going to visit his mother in the “bad” part of town is very good to have in too. “And you will be careful, hmm? Careful who you talk to.” And John's response, “it's only Blackpool, Mimi.” It's true. It could've been Speke, or the Dingle. Which Quarryman did I read saying Mimi didn't like John even leaving Woolton?

John's hurt little face when he finds out his mum, all this time, has been less than a bus ride away is a very clever way to show us his painful confusion about the whole situation. 

Trying to remind myself that this is a very anti-Julia pro-Mimi movie that will try to make me think she's crazy. But it sure is doing a hell of a good job. She hasn't seen him in years and suddenly she's hand feeding him desserts, kissing him every chance she's got, flirting all over the place. “Do you know what it means? Rock and Roll? Sex.” “Don't tell Mimi, alright? This is our little secret. Promise me.” And to a poor affection-starved boy, that's going to feel good. That's going to put thoughts in his head like “this is how it should be”. I mean I know she was wild and fun and sexy and irresponsible. And I know John did have weird thoughts about her. But I hope she wasn't actually this crazy. 

But the weird Freudian thing aside, he's got to be so terribly confused hearing the woman who effectively abandoned him declaring her love for him. Between Mimi and Julia, John would've had such a messed up idea of what that word meant. 

The Daily Howl, my absolute beloved!!

Nowhere Boy John watching Elvis: damn I've gotta get the girls screaming for me like that! Actual John watching Elvis: he's so beautiful! He's perfect! I'm in love!

Also I do not think sixteen year old John was that good at fingering. Just saying. 

This part always drops my heart cold into my stomach. Poor John. Poor poor baby. You can hear his little boy voice calling, “mum? It's me.” And she mutters, very annoyed, “go away.” Again. I have to remind myself that this is a purposely negative portrait of Julia. But then. It is true that she was a mostly absent and wholly undependable figure in John's life. 

Sometimes dialogue is absolutely perfect. Like this – “Aw, why couldn't God make me Elvis Presley?” “Cause he was saving you for John Lennon.” “Aw I'll get you back for that, God!” And this – “you haven't told Mimi, have you?” “No point going through her bullocks if I don't have to.” “Why? She has to go through yours.” “Yeah well I never asked her to, did I?”

Ugh this whole movie just hurts so bad! How he looks to Julia as Mimi is ordering him out of her house, just begging her to claim him this time. And she doesn't until he makes a stand for himself. And then, later. “How long can I stay?” Is met with nothing. Not even a fake “long as you want, love.” It really plays into the title of the film. This boy's got nowhere to call home. And then, the final straw. Look at his face as he hears Julia agree that he does in fact need to go back to Mimi's. If I did that kind of thing, I'd actually be crying right now. Fuck, why was I knit-picking, this movie is working so well. 

 As he's announcing he's leaving Julia's, John wants her to tell him to stay. To at least pretend it's not what she wants. And she doesn't even look at him. Imagine if they did something like this in the John biopic mirrored with a scene with Paul in the breakup?

He's just so adorable looking at that guitar like he can't believe it's real.

John's gathered the og Quarrymen in the bathroom and Pete goes “I take it we're not here for a communal crap.” Idk Pete, wouldn't put it past him. It's not far off what you all do already.

It's making the Quarrymen look kinda cool here, and I really want them all to be shit except John, just because that's what I get from Paul's description. Not that he's biased or anything. He could've been watching John play with Elton John and David Bowie and he'd still say everyone faded into the background. 

Also Mimi would Not have been there. Not on her life. 

Okay now we're sort of seeing them from Paul's perspective. Bunch of losers surrounding this inimitable shining star. 

Accurate that the first thing John says to Paul is about jerking off. 

The dynamic in general is just so well-done in this first scene. John instantly testing Paul. How much shit will he put up with? And Paul instantly having none of it, showing off, and winning John over. 

All the other Quarrymen just know it's time to dust off the ole resume. 

But! Paul's fete “audition” is so toned down for this film. Although of course, accounts vary. He did 20 flight rock, yeah. But he also did it on someone's borrowed right hand guitar turned upside down. And he did little Richard and played the piano, and tuned John's guitar for him. In one telling of it, John says he asked him to be in the group right there on the spot. So. Yeah. 

But either way, watching John watch Paul is just gorgeously gay. It's giving extreme “Oooooh, he likes hiiiiiim!” It's actually illegal not to queerbate using Lennon/McCartney and I'm glad all moviemakers seem to understand the law.

Cut to “John, your little friend's here!” Can you imagine if they'd showed the “chalk and cheese” whirling dervish moment? Or Mimi making Paul use the back door? Those might change some thoughts and feelings in this movie. 

And then we get the reciprocated “Oooooh, he likes hiiiiiim!” Moment as Paul's too busy checking out John’s buddy Holly Look to remember where he is, let alone what cord they're on. And it's so sweet because Paul's the first person who gives John the idea that his real self is actually cooler than his tough-guy act. 

The little matching feet tapping?? Eee it's so cute! 

But why miss the opportunity for them to sing in harmony here?

Sometimes the dialogue is extremely inaccurate. “So mummy’s cool about baby Paul wanting to be Elvis?” “Oh she would've loved it.” Like hell she would've. She would've been as disapproving as Mimi. Then again, maybe it is accurate for Paul to be lying about that.

“Well she – she sort of – died. You know, em. If we're gonna do this we should write our own stuff.” Okay yep there he is. That's Paul. 

Also love how John gets his first calluses after Paul the bossy taskmaster comes into his life. (You know. And the reason to push himself and a person who cares enough to take the time to show him things and it makes John all dreamy staring at the stars that night etc) Anyway. It's perfect. 

And the first gig we see after Paul joins is in a venue on a real stage with a much bigger audience, and the matching suits of course. 

Mimi selling John's guitar because of a bad report card is like the lighter, kinder translation of what happened in reality when she had his dog put down while he was staying at Julia's. 

So they kinda make up for not letting Paul sing etc by having him nail the guitar instead of screw up at this gig like he did irl. 

And he's stealing Julia's attention, which is clearly Not okay with John. Reminds me of that quote of Paul's about how they were both in love with John's mum. 

George is appropriately infantile. Good. Cutie. 

The Quarrymen playing “That's Alright, Mama” as John's making up with Julia since she bought his guitar back for him. Okay. Very clever. 

Paul does Not like John disrespecting his mother after the show for obvious reasons. (“I said something wrong now I long for yesterday.”) But clearly he doesn't have the full picture here. I wonder at what point irl Paul got a full run-down from John on his messed-up family life. Or did he just have to pull it together piece by piece over the years?

And of course he jumps to light Julia's cigarette. Boy was patting his pocket for a lighter like it was the race of his life. Mister steal your mum.

Here we are, ladies and gentlemen, Paul McCartney’s number two complaint about this movie: John was Not taller than him. How dare they? Slander.  

That's one hell of a jacket.

At the party, John's of course pissed to find Paul serenading Julia in the kitchen. But Paul just wants a mommy so bad, John. Why can't you just let him have yours since you clearly don't want her? Right, because you really, really do. More than anyone can understand. But when you showed her that – how bad you wanted her to be your mum, not just a friend – she hurt you. Forced you to go through your abandonment all over again. So now you can't show that anymore. 

The washboard over Pete's head is almost exactly accurate, isn't it? John does not handle people leaving him well. 

Ugh his little voice cracking on the word “mum.” John Lennon is a poor poor baby and I will die on that hill.

I wonder how John did find out about Victoria and the real story of why he was with Mimi. No matter how, though, that's certainly a lot of mess for a young man to be carrying around with him all the time in his head. 

“When your father came back from the merchant Navy, he wanted to try and save the marriage, but your mother would have none of it.” I do feel like we're going with Alf’s version of events here, the one he sold John in order to get into his good graces after he was famous. Which is, again, not fair to Julia. I wonder how little Julia feels about this movie. 

In fact, I think this part –  “who do you wanna be with, John? Do you wanna be with me or do you wanna be with your mum?” – has been categorically disproven. But it certainly does make for some high drama. And John himself did believe his father's story, so there has to be at least some emotional truth there. 

Nowhere Boy John: There's no point in hating someone you love. I mean really love. IRL John: How do you sleep, you cunt?!

There he is. Art School John. Though he fell in love with every iteration of John, I think this one never left his head because he was one of the earliest Johns, and he was a John Paul had to fight for, you know, with all the Stu business and dead mother anger.

He really does an excellent job of playing John, though, when he's written right. “Woman took her kit off and we painted her breasts. Not actually physically. I got my eye on you two.” Ridiculous. Charming. Off- putting. Adorable. 

Ignoring the fact that I prefer to think of “Hello, Little Girl” as being about Paul (“you never seem to see me standing there”) and they're making it about Julia, this is a lovely scene. With John somewhat unsure still of his songwriting abilities and Paul looking up at him from the floor full of admiration. 

Oh he's gonna murder someone. To be fair, I think playing Julia's banjo at her funeral is exactly the type of insensitive thing Paul would do, because he just thinks and feels in music and it makes Sense to him even though of course it's going to piss John off. 

Hilarious, and probably accurate tbh, that Paul's pissed John off so he gives Pete a bloody nose.

But here we go, the number one complaint about this movie from Paul, which I think is actually valid. John never hit him and that was important to both of them and it's disrespectful to portray it and play into the myth of their rocky, angry relationship. 

But maybe in 2009 that's what it took for them to be able to show John Lennon and Paul McCartney in a genuine, loving embrace, crying into each other's necks about mothers. It has to be preceded by John punching Paul in the mouth. 

If I was John's writing partner, my biggest beef with this movie would actually be the scene where they're recording ISOATD and making it look like John wrote it and played the guitar solo. But Paul's never even mentioned it. Which I guess really shows he cares far more about the legacy of his relationship with John than his career legacy. Which. If you mean more to Paul McCartney than his fucking music? Well then you must be just about important enough to have your own movie. 

This is really the Vote for Mimi Smith campaign, isn't it? Putting across the screen the fact that John called Mimi every week until he died as “Mother” plays in the background is brutal. Ouch. But it's true. “It's Mimi time.”

[fallstaticexit]

*looks into the camera* Romantic sims, am I right 🧍🏽‍♀️

prev / next

Olive: Start singing. What’s up with you?

Amir: I did think it was strange you visiting and your fiancée isn’t with you.

Orion: Selene....did something happen with Zoey? Is that why she stopped talking to me?

Selene: Whoa, whoa hold on! Olive just dropped a bomb that she’s a whole sugar baby? I think I’d like to hear more about that??

Olive: Guys, come on...I can’t say. I mean I shouldn’t. You know I’m private- ok, listen up. Here’s how I secured the bag, girls.

Amir: [loving every second of this]

VOICEOVER-

Olive: So, I met her through work-

Amir: Which is what exactly?

Olive: Finance, girl. Anyway, she said she wanted to shower me with money and gifts because I deserve it. Finally, someone with some sense! And she really is something with her gifts.

Olive: It’s always something different. Always things I like. Always my favorite color. Always with a big price tag. Always with a promise for more.

Olive: And when we’re not taking trips, which we take alot of them, she has this penthouse in Uptown and she’ll cook like a freaking million dollar chef. I never have to lift a finger.

Olive: And she’s not just generous to me. She spoils my Kia too.

Orion: So who is this lady?

Olive: Aht aht. Not too much. Gotta have something for myself, right?

Amir: And you ain’t givin’ up no sugar?

Olive: ....I mean, a little peck on the lips here and there as a thank you but that’s it.

Amir: A peck? We’re all grown here- minus Rhys...all yall do is kiss?

END VO

Olive: I spoke my truth. Now it’s your turn. What’s up?

Selene: [sighs]

VOICEOVER-

Selene: I think we both knew something was off at first. I got signed by different sponsor, so we weren’t traveling together anymore.

Selene: We kept pushing back the wedding date. Always promising to make more time after the season to start planning. But that day never came. So I kept focusing on the waves.

Selene: I start touring and my sponsor had me join a surf club a couple hours away from Sulani. That’s where I met Paulina.

Selene: They called her the Best of the West. She’s a beast on the board. Real cocky. Competitive. Total asshole. I guess all the things I like in a rival. Kinda reminded me of how good things use to be- surfing with Zoe.

[Paulina: Make sure you clean my towels real good, new girl. I’ll pick them up tonight.]

Selene: And I guess...that wasn’t the only thing I liked about her.

Orion: Selene, please tell me you didn’t....

Selene: Everything was a blur after that..

END VO

Selene: Someone from the team saw Paulina come into my room and they told Zoey... took me like, a month to admit what I did and she kicked me out. Wedding’s off. We broke up. I’m a piece of shit...

Selene: Wasn’t even worth it. Nothing was worth hurting her like that...

Rhys: Um. So... Do you guys wanna roll one or?

Everyone: [sighs] Yeahh...

[pyjamaart]

Every time someone complains about Fully Charged Airmans design, my love for him grows even stronger.

I feel like most people are mad that he isn't blue. Like back in 2014 when people complained that Sonics arms were blue in Sonic Boom. But I honestly don't think it's that big of a deal.

But if you see Fully Charged as an alternate universe to the classic series (which it is), then I don't really get why you'd have to complain about Airman not being blue. I think it's good they tried something fresh with the robot masters. They didn't have that much personality in the classic series, to be honest, compared to Fully Charged. I just think he needed a little more screen time to focus on his character. Just like many other robot masters on this show.

Okay, I have to admit, I did change around his colors a bit for a joke that would have gone along the lines of "Just hire fans, lol", but it actually ended up looking pretty cool, so I can't really make that joke anymore……. Really shot myself in the foot with that one. Anyway, here's blue Airman:

I still think that an episode featuring an air race would have been really really cool. They could have introduced a robot master like Gyroman as his rival. Maybe losing that race could have been the start of his character arc where he finally confronts his inferiority/superiority complex. Along the lines of "Flying is all I have left! If I can't have that, what else am I supposed to do?" Well, now that we're already in headcanon territory, I might as well tell you about all my other ones involving Airman. I believe his family is suuuuper rich. All his siblings have well respected careers and probably make his parents buckets of money. Meanwhile Airman is like the youngest sibling who dreamed of becoming a professional racer, which his parents didn't support at all. Kinda reminds me of another robot master under Lord Obsidians command whose dreams were crushed by his parents......

And as we've seen in that one episode, Airmans siblings are assholes. They just pretend he doesn't exist, like he never belonged to their family at all. Like they're ashamed that he's such a failure.

Oh damn that got dark again, sorry. But just like Drillman, he gets better in the end. While Drillman gets Woodman to look out for him, I've had the headcanon for a while that Airman gets taken in by Blastowoman, since she's also a flying robot master like him. Maybe she even gets him a job as a cargo bot alongside herself. I feel like he really needs someone supportive who's not afraid to call him out on his bullshit in his life. And because I have another headcanon that Blastowoman actually has an adult child (Blastman, lol), she's like the perfect woman for the job. ;)

Coming back to Airmans design, I did change some things about it for this particular piece of fan art. When I was trying to come up with an awesome pose to draw him in, the first thought I had was "Damn, I gotta give this man some heels." And that's exactly what I drew.

Sorry for not posting anything for 2 months btw. I got addicted to Metaphor ReFantazio ;) If that doesn't become game of the year, I'm gonna be real mad.

Jenny out.

[solanasreality]

Ⳋ᧙ — SONGS THAT REM͟I͟N͟D͟ 𝕸E 𝔬𝔣 MY DR.

nymphs finding the head of orpheus ✹ nicole dollanganger — it definitely feels like an introduction, that’s for sure. it reminds me of myself, and a betrayal i had never saw coming. sealed with a knife, a promise, a kiss.

“i used to think, you must be the water i drink.

holding me down in these waters, down beneath,

singing to the sound of my screaming.”

anthems for a seventeen year-old ✹ yuele — this song is really bittersweet to me, it reminds me of the girl that looks up to me like an older sister, and despite seeing my flaws, still do. i hope i never get too much for her, and i hope she always knows she has a place where she belongs, even if i’d never tell it to her face.

“used to be one of the rotten ones and i liked you for that.”

angel ✹ massive attack — it’s me and him. it’s the devotion and the worship that becomes almost unbearable, saving each other like it’ll kill us if we don’t. he SHOULD hate my guts but yk

“you are my angel, come from way above,

to bring me love.”

like him ✹ tyler the creator — SO. little backstory for this song and why it correlates specifically. my dr is based off of a book i’m writing here, and there’s a ton of parallels to diplomatic leaders and gods, the biggest parallels are in my own friend group, but it relates the MOST to my lover (i shall make a post on him laterrr 🤭)

“i’ve decided to anything that lives inside of you, i would never ever lie to you, yeah,

you ain’t ever gotta lie to me, i’m everything that i strive to be,

so, do i look like him?”

i hope you find your way home ✹ tyler the creator — there’s a lot of loyalty shifting, most of my friends have abandoned their home because they believed in the idea of freedom, and it’s never a good idea to bring up what life could be after the war.

“i hope you find your way home..”

fable ✹ gigi perez — since there’s a ton of gods and goddesses, there’s a lot of religious imagery, the main two gods are yin and yang inspired, and there’s christianity imagery with both. well, what happens when you’re striving for the throne with your enemy as your right-hand-man? (zhan is a TERRIBLE example of this song—besides myself—because he has deep internalized homophobia)

“i fear when i question, my skin starts to burn,

why does my skin start to burn?”

slow dance ✹ kehlani — me and my man actually have a slow dance at some point after he’s crowned emperor so there’s the obvious. . he can also create plants and flowers, which is what blossomed beneath the concrete floor in amidst of the dance, i was SO oblivious because i had no idea he grew those because he was happy to dance with me :,)

“i want you open like a flower in the sun,

and heaven knows what i like and baby, you’re the one.”

army dreamers ✹ kate bush — military academy that turns into a battlefield after a betrayal is unleashed, this song was GOING on here.

“what could he do? should’ve been a rockstar.

but he didn’t have the money for a guitar.”

┊

echolalia ✹ yves tumor — him when me. AGAIN. but it’s just vibes honestly, i love the way he worships me.

can’t breathe ✹ 9th wonder — our communication was HORRIBLE. we were treading around each other too much oh my god 😓 (it’s my fault)

luther ✹ kendrick lamar — i’m so in love i’m sorry y’all. this post is TOOOO long already.

[backjustforberena]

took a break from getting drowned in uni stuff to doomscroll and saw your Nurse Jackie gifset and I just gotta say, it's painful for me to watch Nurse Jackie as a friend who's just like O'Hara. really just watched it for Eve but watching Jackie be, well, can I say an awful friend? just really pains me and I have to pause the episode at times to tell myself everything's alright 🫂

like I can understand Jackie and why she's acting that way but at the same time, it's really painful af (•⁠﹏⁠•⁠) just wanna give O'Hara a big, warm hug

All of the people who Jackie interacts with suffer. She is selfish with them, manipulates them, lies to them and hurts them. What cuts me up is that it's because the addiction outweighs the friendship. The priority becomes about maintaining the .

And, even, in some cases, it's done in a perverse way to maintain the friendship. Because Jackie does love and want and need O'Hara. It's not that she thinks O'Hara is someone easy to dupe or it'd be more work to maintain the lies if O'Hara was gone or even that she wants to completely give into her disease and having O'Hara around makes that do-able, despite what O'Hara does do to enable Jackie. We see that in S3: Jackie wants O'Hara to stay because she wants O'Hara to stay. Sometimes her intentions are pure. Or, at last, not consciously impure, even if her methods are: lying, guilt-tripping, pretending at showing vulnerability.

Jackie does rely on O'Hara and love her. Just not fully. She's not trusted fully. But she's as close as anyone gets. And O'Hara, particularly in S3, which is where this set is from, is clever enough to recognise the behaviour and hold a little bit of herself back after being burnt over the money and the MRI. She knows the ramifications of her actions, even as the friendship gets back on track and despite successful manipulation by Jackie. It's small lies. There remains some transparency.

At the very least, when it gets to a point where O'Hara becomes "all-in" (when she agrees to help prescribe Jackie the painkillers in the hopes to manage her addiction and help her get clean), it's a deliberate and difficult decision for her and she makes sure Jackie knows that. For O'Hara, I think there are moments where she is given reason to feel like the future of the relationship is in her hands. Not dependent on Jackie.

But that can be for good or ill from O'Hara's perspective because she doesn't want to lose Jackie. She's dependent on Jackie as well. Jackie occupies a space in her life that isn't able to be filled with anyone or anything else, until her son.

And Jackie is there for O'Hara, at times, or in ways. She just misses the mark a lot. She just gets very defensive and calculating. It doesn't do particular direct harm to O'Hara - like . I'm reminded of a line by Kevin or Eddie (although I paraphrase) where he says that even when Jackie is telling the truth, she's lying. Something like that. I tend to apply that to Jackie and her friendship. Even when she's being a good friend (or nurturing or prioritising the friendship/relationship), she's being a bad one. She doesn't even know she's doing it.

[whentherewerebicycles]

okay well I don’t know what’s going on but I am really hitting a mental and physical wall this week. I suspect it has to do with the fact that last week he suddenly stopped napping well and, by some strange coincidence, became 1000x fussier in the afternoons and evenings. here is how it is affecting me:

I am so… so tired

I am having trouble thinking especially when he’s been fussing for like three straight hours and my brain has just switched off as some kind of a self-protective mechanism

I am struggling to make decisions about how to handle the fussiness because so tired and also because I don’t really understand what’s going on with him or how to soothe him

I’m getting behind on student work because I no longer have consistent nap windows in which to work during the day

I’m soooo much snappier and more irritable with the dogs especially… like I know they’re understimulated and under-walked right now and that’s why they’re barking so much more and I know I gotta address the root causes instead of getting angry with them for reacting in a very normal way to feeling stir crazy. but also sometimes when they wake the boy up from one of his suddenly rare naps or otherwise elevate the noise level in the house I am like I NEED you to shut up. I love you so much and I know it’s my fault you’re bored but I NEED the noise to stop.

I am not eating well because the fussing often starts around lunch time and I just lose track of where I am in the day and forget to eat. and then by the time I remember it’s too late to do anything but microwave something fast and kinda shitty

I cannot change the fussiness. he is having some big sleep changes and maybe a growth spurt or maybe he is just more alert to the world now and it’s harder to chill out. I pray that it is just a phase we are going through (where is my sweet chill baby of just a week ago) and I will also remind myself that so many things are going well. but what can I do to make this period more survivable for myself.

try to go to bed by 9:15 every night to maximize the sleep I’m getting even if it’s fragmented sleep (hopefully that won’t last much longer as he adjusts to not being in the swaddle)

consider asking his sitter to come a third day in the week for a while. use that time to catch up on student work (so I feel less behind and don’t have that additional layer of stress) but also use it to walk the dogs, cook, etc. and tend to other needs. I’m stressed about doing this because money 🫠 but I really need it and I also really need a break when he’s at peak fussiness levels.

scale back again. when I was feeling most overwhelmed before (around 6 weeks? idk it’s all a fever dream) I just focused on really, really scaling back the activities and outings so I could focus on feeding him and getting him to take good naps. I think I am trying to do too much now and I need to give myself permission to say no to things more and to consider the day a win if I just take care of the basics.

put headphones in when he’s fussing. I really need to stop feeling guilty about this and just do it. I will be so much better equipped to soothe/rock/bounce him if I’m not also listening to the nonstop lowgrade crying. it will not hurt him if I don’t listen to the crying. I can tend to his needs without listening to the crying.

try to give myself some grace. I cried a bunch tonight because he was so so tough to deal with this evening and I was feeling so maxed out. but then I was lying on my bed with him propped up against my legs facing me and he started playing his favorite “game” where he puts his feet in his little footie pajamas all over my face and chortles delightedly at my pretend-outraged reaction and it was soooo sweet and I was just like I love you so much 😭 I wish you felt better this week because then I would feel better too and more capable of being present with you. I feel like when he’s fussing soooo much it’s just so hard for us to have those sweet silly connections because we’re both so miserable and neither of us knows how to fix it. it’s tough! it’s tough. but we will get through this and I absolutely refuse to have any “am I a bad parent???” angsty feelings about this. I am a great parent and I am doing the best I can coping with this very challenging week. I cannot soothe him very well because he has a lot going on inside of him right now but I can make him laugh really hard by letting him put his little feet all over my face and that means I gave him at least one small moment of joy today. it’s enough! it’s enough. we will weather this.

[catchyhuh]

annoying habits

originally this was a tiny one sentence a piece thing but the more i thought about it the more i was like good god. these people are insufferable! pet peeve central right here

lupin: 

as we have previously discussed he just cannot sit still. it’s not REALLY that big of a deal unless you’ve had to sit beside him in silence for line five minutes and then he just. god. he’s shifting in his seat and his pants are crinkling he’s tapping on the counter he’s looking around the room for the hundredth time going “huh that’s new” under his breath. kidnapping this guy is an endurance test i have no idea why so many villains sincerely try it

interrupts. interrupts but not as much as you expect. it’s mostly when he’s way way invested in something and isn’t even thinking, but after he’s done it the first time he does it thirty more times over the remainder of the conversation like it’s some kinda gateway drug. his brain knows he can get away with it so he just keeps going so you gotta say “DUDE” the first time or he’ll just keep cutting you off

Double Dips.

jigen:

this is the part where i said aloud to myself “oh god i have to put smoking under all of them don’t i.” so just imagine that’s under all of them like canonically but ESPECIALLY jigen. at least the others have kind of sort of slowed down on that front but not jiggy. and if you say “you can’t smoke here” he’ll just grumble and keep the unlit one in his mouth and you KNOW he’s gonna light that shit the minute you’ve turned around so you have to watch him like a dog around slippers

CRACKS HIS KNUCKLES ALL THE TIME. it makes sense that the joints would stiffen up given how tense his trigger finger can get. just imagine it’s like dead silent for twenty minutes n then you hear “poppoppop” CMON BRO

interrupts more than you’d expect. because if you start saying some stupid shit he will NOT let you finish. “i just thought--” “oh you just THOUGHT” and then you can barely get a word in edgewise for the next two minutes because he’s just listing every flaw with your statement. like good lord

fujiko:

its more a thing she DOESN’T do but y’know when something is kinda sorta funny so you give a polite laugh. fujiko doesn’t do that (if she’s being sincere with her company) so you just get a flat smile and a “oh that’s funny” and it’s like is it? is it funny? girl c’mon you could at least pretend

tends to tap her nails on flat surfaces. or anything flat enough. not so jarring until shes wearing acrylics or some other thing and then its this loud, hollow tapping. jigen insists lupin picked up this habit from her

when she’s really fidgety or restless she tends to mess with her jewelry a bit, if it’s on the less ludicrously expensive “cannot be tarnished by human finger oils” side. usually it’s just twirling her bracelet or twisting her earrings, which is a relatively unobtrusive habit. the reason it’s annoying is because if absolutely anybody else even breathes on the jewelry she’ll start swatting at them like a fly insisting that “you’ll break it!!”

goemon: 

ooh i gotta think on this. it’s that discipline dude he’s literally forcing himself to just do nothing. which i guess could be eerily unnatural seeming and annoying in and of itself so win! but that’s such a non-answer so let’s add in he is the BIGGEST stickler about IOUs. yes more than fujiko. yes more than jigen. it’s not about money. it’s about honor. or at least that’s what he says but make no mistake if you borrowed 20 bucks from him he WILL be getting that shit BACK and will REMIND YOU at EVERY DAMN OPPORTUNITY

he. doesn’t have as solid a pokerface as you’d initially think. when something really is amusing to him he gets this insufferable little side smirk. only annoying after you’ve lost to him the third time in a row that day and he’s almost on the verge of GIGGLING about it now. sore winner. sore winner is the term i’m looking for.

STEALS FOOD! more than jigen, more than lupin, goemon does not give a shit. he will take the most beautiful, golden, perfectly seasoned fry right off your plate before you can even raise a finger. and then go “hm. just ok” MAN FUCK OFF

zenigata:

don't have to think on this at all. like i’ve said before he cannot sit still for the life of him, so literally whatever you’re imagining has happened and will happen thirty times more. every restless habit all of the above has he ALSO has. guy gets bored and puts the car in park and just starts pushing the accelerator just to pass the time. AND he interrupts more than lupin and jigen COMBINED because he has BOTH of their flavors here

talks with his mouth full. he doesn’t mean to. he doesn’t take a big bite of a burger and go “i can’t wait to spit out sesame seeds like a bb gun” he just isn���t thinking and won’t ever shut up if you drop a Key Phrase in front of him

clicks pens. over and over and over. technically ties into just being restless but it warrants a special mention because i cannot imagine the patience every poor motherfucker destined to work with him must have sitting next to him in a cop car at 2 in the morning with the obnoxious overhead light on, this clown looking over a clipboard or something, and all you can hear is “hmmmmm” *clickkaclickkaclickkaclick*

[minerwarfare-suzuya]

I'm not done.

Miles ownership drama timeline, part 6

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5

After that whole altercation with Miles went down. Things went quiet since he blocked me on two of his accounts on here. The Moboxcritique and Kevonica would go on the topics of Blurry and Faces of Nothing for the time being while I was recovering my account after it got reported for pretending to be someone else and I was in the works of making my FNAF Affinity remake on my new blog.

Until I received a message from Cagney about the current situation with Mobox87 making statements that she has an irl stalker because of the Moboxcritique blog's publicity gaining the attention from her stalker which she requested that the blog should be taken down. More on that topic some other time. . .

So, word has it that Mobox87 is supporting a groomer.

Now you're probably thinking to yourself.

Yeah we know that, the Moboxcritique blog spoke up about how she downplayed Mandopony's grooming behavior.

Well this time it's different. When I was told about this info from Cagney I took the time to get some details out of them.

Apparently, Miles has openly spoken to Kevonica about having a crush on a 16 year old which may I remind you that he is 21 years old. Then he goes off to say that where he lives has the age of consent as 16.

Here are the screenshots I was given from Kev when I asked her about it a week after Cagney told me.

Like I understand that the age of consent is different in many countries and I'm aware that the US has some states where being 16 years old is consensual for sexual activity but there is a boundary between this person he's interested in and him.

Like my brother in Christ you are literally an adult trying to get with a teenager that's in school.

So!

Going back to the situation where Miles called me a "pedo" for drawing an ahegao face on Vinsnake before he changed his age as a comeback against me.

I was thinking to myself with my friends.

Like why did he call me a pedo for? He never announced the character was 16 til I made that drawing of Vinsnake.

Yet he wants to support Mobox87 who's made actual child porn in her art. So call her a pedo!

But your ass is a fucken hypocrite since you admit wanting to engage with a 16 year old.

One more thing to mention is that he goes to say he's an "ace" and I'm thinking to myself.

Like what does that even matter? You're still trying get with a 16 year old! They have a different maturity level compared to you!

Then you go off still calling me a pedo over the drawing of Vinsnake still while excusing yourself for wanting to be with a 16 year old because you say you're a "little space".

Mother fucker you is a pedophile! Quit acting like you dating someone in highschool isn't pedophilia.

You literally made it clear that you're self aware that people in other states would consider it pedophilia but you contradict yourself to thinking that it's okay because you consider yourself as a child.

Make it make sense!

Again, Mobox87 knows about this and she defends him which is no surprise since Miles is Mobox87's top buyer that gives her enough money for her hustle.

I'm so done with Miles Bullshit! He's a man child and an entitled asshole!

I apologize for doing this but someone's gotta stand up to this jerk and not tolerate his toxic behavior.

Kevonica and Cagney didn't want me to share this publicly because they both don't wanna deal with Miles.

I don't expect forgiveness with over sharing this information but just know that-

I had to do it to em.

Aftermath

[katnissdoesnotfollowback]

Hope the end of your school year went well! From the new alphabet prompt, what about Going on a road trip and being so regular about it.

Hey, love. It was tough, and I crashed in more ways than one afterwards, but I'm doing better now. Thanks for the prompt! Have some in between high school and college Everlark shenanigans on me.

~~

When the beat up blue car pulls around the corner, I rise and grab my bag that’s been serving as a bench.

I’m actually surprised he’s this early. It must not have taken long to pick up the rest of our group. But I wanted to be out here and not risk anyone having to ring our bell and realize it doesn’t work. Or risk them stepping on the third step, which is basically splinters pretending to be a step. Or see the wreck of our living room after my mom worked double shifts for a week to get the last bit of tuition I couldn’t cover with scholarships, while I worked double shifts to save up for this trip.

I’ve been both dreading and anticipating it, and watching my ride slowly drive down the street, as though the driver is unfamiliar with the neighborhood, I catch myself biting my thumb nail and quickly wipe it on my jeans. 

The car stops smoothly, no squealing of brakes, and I blink as I notice that it’s only the driver in the car. Guess he picked me up first.

“Hey,” Peeta Mellark says as he gets out of the car his brothers have all shared for the past eight years as they worked their way successively through high school. He greets me like we’re old friends instead of virtual strangers who sometimes got paired in our math classes.

“Guess I get shotgun,” I say as I stagger towards the trunk with my bag.

“Perks of being first pick up,” he says and takes my bag from me. He places it gently in the trunk, like it weighs nothing, right next to his. “So Madge is next, then Seamus.”

I try not to gag at the reminder. Madge is fine. I like Madge, but Seamus is a jackass and a half. At least Peeta is picking him up last, so I don’t have to spend as much time in the car with that dickhead.

“Great,” I say and open the car door before sliding in. The interior smells fresh. Clean. The floorboards are spotless, as is the upholstery. I’m actually shocked at how clean the car is, given that the car has a reputation as a Shaggin’ Wagon, along with his older brothers’ reputations as total horn dogs.

I blush as I consider how that reputation has extended to Peeta since he started driving the car last year with both his older brothers finally off at college. The whispers from girls about how it’s always a good time driving with Peeta.

I squirm in the seat and hope he shampooed the upholstery too. The last thing I want to think about is what’s gone down in this seat. I glance behind me as Peeta pulls away from the curb and decide the bench back seat isn’t a better option.

“So, Katniss,” he says and I scoff at the clear attempt at either small talk or a pick up.

“Brakes don’t squeal anymore,” I say and Peeta shifts gears, then runs a hand through his hair.

“Uh yeah. Neither of my brothers were really good about the routine maintenance on the car. I’ve been fixing things here and there, changed out the belts and filters, flushed a few of the fluids and gave her fresh ones, new wiper blades, that sort of thing. But the tires and brakes were expensive so that was a more recent thing.”

“Oh. Extra shifts at the bakery since graduation covered it?” 

“Yeah, barely,” he says and taps his fingers on the wheel before he shifts to third and starts the winding road up to Madge’s home.

“How about you? Been working extra summer shifts too?”

“Why do you ask?”

“Oh. Well it’s just usually you bring your sister into the bakery during summer. Haven’t seen you guys yet. That’s all. Figured you must be busy.”

“Gotta make gas and grocery money somehow,” I mutter.

Peeta doesn’t answer though, because we’ve reached Madge’s house. She too is waiting outside, with two suitcases standing side by side, gleaming in the sun. Her father waits with her. I fiddle with the vents and climate control as Peeta gets out of the car. Notice a cooler and a snack bag on the floorboard in the back as I halfway listen to Peeta talk to Mr. Undersee and load Madge’s bags.

Madge slides in and rolls down her window. “Bye Daddy!”

“Call me when you get to Aunt Maysilee’s tonight.”

“I know I know,” Madge cuts him off. “And when we hit the road in the morning. And anytime we stop for more than thirty minutes, and when we get to Panem U tomorrow afternoon. I’ll be with Katniss and Peeta the whole time, Daddy. He’s a super safe driver and you know she’ll take care of us.”

Mr. Undersee talks to Peeta for a few more minutes, and it’s clear that he’s asking Peeta about the maintenance on the car, the planned route we’ll be taking.

I take the chance to turn around and hiss at Madge. “You didn’t tell me he’d be picking me up first.”

“I didn’t?” she asks a little too innocently.

“Whatever,” I say and turn back around to find a decent radio station. I’m a little miffed that Madge didn’t warn me. She knows I don’t have a smartphone and couldn’t be on the group thread Peeta started for our road trip. I’ve had to talk to the group and Peeta through Madge to get ready for this trip.

“Figured you’d enjoy a few minutes alone with him,” Madge says right in my ear, making me gasp. “I mean, you do like him, don’t you?”

“Everybody likes him,” I say and give up on the radio. 

“Yeah, but you really like him,” Madge hints. I’m grateful when Peeta opens his door. Final farewells are said and Peeta gets back in, Madge sits back and buckles her belt.

“Alright, Seamus and then we’re on our way,” Peeta says. Madge groans and then leans forward towards Peeta.

“Do we have to?” I’m a little surprised. Madge is usually so quiet and nice, but Peeta actually laughs.

“Unfortunately, yes. Our mothers are in the same book club and I’ll never hear the end of it I don’t. He’s signed up for the same orientation slot as us.”

“More good news,” Madge says and flips back in her seat.

We’re friends, Madge and I, at least the kind of friends who sit together at lunch and assemblies and in any shared classes. We stick together in P.E. And when we found out we’d be going to Panem U together, we signed up as roommates for the dorm, and for the same early June orientation. But I’ve never seen her as chatty as she is for the ten minutes it takes to drive through the ritzy part of town to Seamus Henderson’s house. She and Peeta seem to know each other. At least they seem to know each other better than I realized…

If possible, Seamus’s place is even bigger than Madge’s. More ostentatious too. If the Undersee house is classy, this place screams Too Much Money.

Peeta tells us he’ll be right back and leaves the car running while he walks up to the door to ring the bell.

“Why’d you think I like him?” I ask and Madge snorts.

“Because you get all blushy and flustered around him.”

“I do not,” I protest.

“Well, blushy and flustered for you. And anytime I relayed a question he had about time or plans or even what kind of snacks you might like to have, you answered with ‘Whatever is easiest for Peeta,’” she says and I scowl at her.

“Well he is doing us a huge favor by driving us,” I say. “Gas money is expensive.”

“Hm so you just wanna make it easy on him and conveniently, you’re riding shotgun, where you’ll be the most likely conversation partner and be responsible for his comfort the whole drive,” Madge says and grins at me, then something outside the window catches her eye. “Ugh. Jerk incoming.”

I turn around and sit fairly still as Peeta and Seamus load Seamus’s bags in the trunk, plotting Madge’s demise for manipulating me into this situation. 

I almost stop plotting when Seamus drops in the car and asks if Peeta packed any beer as he rummages in the cooler.

“Uh no. Sorry,” Peeta says. I catch Madge rolling her eyes and scooting closer to the window.

“Sup, Undersee. Lookin’ good today.”

“Hi Seamus,” she says.

For a few seconds, I feel bad for Madge in the backseat and grateful that I’m sitting next to Peeta instead. But then Peeta shifts his car into reverse to back down out of Seamus’s driveway and his knuckles brush up against my knee.

I jerk my knee away from his touch.

“Sorry,” he says and turns to look behind him as he backs up and I stare at the side view mirror on my side, watching us roll down the hill towards the street.

“Here,” Peeta says as we’re stopped at a red light. He pulls his phone from a small cubby and holds his thumb on it to wake it, then hands it to me. “Why don’t you pick some music for us?”

“Um,” I stare at the tidy pattern of icons on top of a background of a stunning sunset over the mountains. And I blank. Some of them appear to be folders, labeled by category. Art. Food. School Stuff. Sports. Random Sh**. Music.

I smile slightly at the Random S** and tap on the one for music. And stare at five different apps. “Which one?” I ask helplessly.

“Here,” Madge says, leaning over and pointing to the one called Pandora. I open it but have no idea what I’m looking at.

“You look a little lost there Everdeen. Never seen an iPhone before?”

“Shoot. I forgot,” Peeta says and extends his hand to me. I burn with humiliation as Seamus laughs. The reminder that I have a cheap flip phone still and I’m lucky Mom managed that much for us.

“It’s fine,” Madge says and reaches around me to tap a few things. Music starts playing on the car speakers. One of my favorite bands, actually, and I tuck Peeta’s phone back in its cubby. “I’ll show you on mine when we stop,” Madge says and I nod, biting my lip and scrambling for something I can do.

“You hungry, Peeta?” Madge speaks up and I grab hold of it, turning in my seat to check through the bag I saw there earlier as soon as Peeta says he could eat.

“Wow,” I say after a cursory glance at the food packed in it. “You’ve got a feast in here. What are you in the mood for?”

“Uh, some of the licorice,” he says.

“Good choice,” I say as I grab the package. I turn around, but not before I catch Seamus’s look of disgust.

“Ugh. You eat that garbage, Mellark?”

“It’s way better than the cheap, waxy cherry stuff some people seem to like,” I say as I tear open the package. I peel off a few of the gleaming black, swizzled sticks. And when I look up to hand them to Peeta, he’s smiling at me. Sort of. Just his lips curled up and an odd look in eyes. “Here.”

“Thanks,” he says and takes them from me. Eyes back on the road, he quietly says. “You can have some, too. If you like them. I’ve got two packages in there.”

“Oh. Thanks,” I say and pull one out for myself. Seamus goes back to his game, and Madge is reading a book. Every few minutes, Peeta will shift his hand over towards me and I’ll set a few sticks of licorice in his palm as he asks me a question. Simple stuff, like my major, what classes I’m hoping to register for during our orientation, if I’ve got a dorm room or am living off campus.

At one point, Seaums snores Madge giggles. I turn around and cover my mouth as I snort in laughter when I see she’s decorated him with Pixie Sticks. Shoved them up his nose, in his collar like spikes, even poking out of his hair.

“I’m sorry, is this wrong?” she asks and Peeta chuckles softly. 

“Just make sure you get a picture,” he tells her and Madge hands me her phone. This I actually do know how to do, having spent a fair enough amount of time around Madge. I snap a picture of her and Seamus, then one of just him before handing the phone back to her.

Peeta’s grinning at me, and I relax back into my seat. Maybe this road trip won’t be so bad.

[eggcats]

This is a random rant and explanation, and means nothing, so feel free to ignore. I just...gotta get everything out to make sure my thoughts are organized in a way where I agree with the decision I've made.

Randomly, at like 2pm on Tuesday, the ceo of the place I left called me. And didn't leave a voicemail but sent a generic text like "Hey it's (name from place) hope you're doing well, was wondering if you had a second to chat 😊" - no further information.

IMPORTANT NOTE: I work 6pm-630a Monday to Wednesday, 2pm on a Tuesday is a time I'm normally asleep, this time I had just happened to be awake for a little when he called me so I saw it happen in real time, but I didn't answer bc a) I was half-asleep and b) I didn't want to fucking talk to him.

So, I immediately text my friend who still works there like "WHY TF IS (NAME) CALLING ME?!???" And she's like wtf???

Another important context. My former boss there either quit or got fired, both of which are insane to me, and (while I may have had issues with him) he was the thing keeping that cesspool afloat, and I'll be pissed on his behalf if the ceo, who has all the maturity of a toddler, fired him after my direct boss helped build that company from the ground up.

More context, it's a small company. The hierarchy when I worked there was CSO/CEO (married), my boss, and me. So I had regular direct contact with this ceo, I know his personality personally - I was subjected to it for the 5 years I worked there. Just to make sure you know my insults are from experience and not just "ceos suck!"

And my friend, who still works there, said she thinks it might be because he's trying to get me to come back to run their lab they opened in another state last year. The one my former boss, who doesn't work there anymore, ran. She said he'd already asked her (she said no) and maybe he's reaching out to me, since - while I didn't do all the client logistics my boss did - I DID run everything else in the lab in the state I lived in (before they moved 2 hours away) - so I left when the lab left.

Which. If he's asking that's insane bc if I had WANTED TO WORK IN THAT LAB, I'D BE LIVING IN THAT STATE AND WORKING THERE. They TRIED to get me to move to that lab and I refused. I'd already fucking moved to a lab for them and got burned when it only lasted a month and I had to pack it up, move it 1000 miles, break 2 leases in a row, and live at home for a year or so to recoup both my credit and my money loss.

SOME MAJOR CONTEXT HERE. That place was a shitshow. They could never fucking give me a direct answer for when they planned on the lab being officially moved. In January, I was told the goal was moved over by May.

I got a new job (ironically, the job I had LEFT FIVE YEARS AGO to come work there) on July 15 of this year. When I did, the lab was still not in any way moved. Despite that being 2 months past the time I was told was the plan.

So I said, fuck that. It's a combination of incompetence and malice to not have a set deadline to try to force my hand into moving 2 hours away, bc without a notice, I won't have income without doing that.

So I got a new job. Told my boss. Emailed everyone July 1 to let them know that starting July 15 my availability would be limited with taking on a new job, but that I'd still help as needed until the move. Legitimately a 2 weeks notice, except I said I'd stay to help out as I could as much as I can.

Got ghosted. No response. Only got a response when I emailed the Friday before, like, hey, reminder, don't rely on me to open and the run the lab like I do starting Monday. Got a brief response.

Have not heard a single thing from either my ceo or cso since, even though it was a solid 2 months of me running myself ragged, getting less sleep and working my weekends there to not abandon them with my leaving.

IT WASN'T LIKE THEY DIDN'T KNOW I WASN'T MOVING WITH THEM. Every single time it was brought up. INCLUDING the first time it was floated, by the ceo to me, to ask if they moved to (place) would I come with them, and I said no. Never once did I even say maybe I'd consider it. My answer was always a firm no. Their ignoring me was because they thought they could bully me into staying and they were mad at me for hurting their feelings or something. Even when I stayed to help they ignored me, and made it seem like I was extorting them by doing so! Like, if you don't want to pay me I'll leave entirely? I'm doing you a favor by still helping out because you only have 3 employees, INCLUDING me?

So, yeah. That's the place I left. They did not once ever email, call, text, or anything since they found out I'd committed to not going with them. The ceo decided to pack up and move the lab entirely in a 2 day span, telling no one - including my boss who was tasked with doing that.

This was in early September. And he's calling me now, mid-November, acting like he cares about how I'm doing.

Bullshit. This company relies on emotional manipulation to get you to overwork yourself to death, and they burned me out during the 5 years I spent killing myself for them. Being paid barely the going rate for lab supervisors, being constantly promised bonuses and raises that never happened, being told things that are forgotten immediately after and getting upset at you if you dared to bring it up. They burned me out, going to work was a chore I hated and I didn't want to even do a single thing with them anymore by the time I left. It wasn't until they weren't my only income that I could see how stressed I was just on a daily basis, or how toxic of a work environment they had created.

Oh, and, don't forget the MULTIPLE nervous breakdowns they gave me from stress and overwork! ONE OF WHICH MADE ME BURST INTO TEARS AS I SOBBED IN FRONT OF THE CEO BECAUSE I WAS SO STRESSED!!!

I'M NOT A PERSON WHO REGULARLY CRIES, AND THAT PLACE MADE ME DO IT ON MULTIPLE OCCASIONS!!! AND THEIR "SOLUTION" AFTER THAT CRY WAS TO SEND ME HOME FOR A FEW DAYS AND THEN IGNORE WHAT I HAD SAID AND DID THE EXACT SAME THING AND ALSO DID SOMETHING I EXPLICITLY. SAID. I. DIDN'T. WANT. THEM. TO. DO. Spitting in my face in the process.

I didn't forget that, but I guess HE did.

Oh! And before I forget!

They made me and my coworker work when we both had covid! 😊 Somehow, we did and ALSO didn't infect the other 2 people working there with us in that tiny lab. Absolutely insane thing to force us to do!

Fuck them.

Yeah. I'm backing my decision to ghost him. If it was something legitimately important that he needed to contact me for, he'd had said it in a voicemail or text.

I'm not calling him just to say hi and then deal with the empty promises of pay or whatever as he tries to convince me to come back.

I fucking hope they crash and burn. I live in anticipation for the day I check their company site or on Google maps and learn they went under. Nothing would bring me more joy.

[clanofjones]

Ghosts of Our Days: Chapter Ten

Start

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Ao3 (working on updating from the shutdown)

Cowritten with @theosb0rnway!

Chapter Ten: Sleep is Not Listed in the Plan of Casey Jones

Casey's POV

It took several more hours and the police on the ground below them for Raph to get Casey off the rooftop and guide his ass back to the apartment. Of course, his first stop once inside was the ice box, but with his newest discovery, it felt strange. Which Raph should he kiss now? ‘Cause he could totally kiss both. 

Both sounded good. Both was good. 

Unfortunately for him, Raph had other plans, which included pushing Casey away from the ice box and onto the couch before asking him gently to lie down. 

"No." 

Raph's POV

"Casey, please-" 

"I WANT THE ICE BOX." 

"I'm right here, Case, you've got me-" 

"I want the FUCKIN' ICE BOX, GODDAMNIT!" A fresh wave of tears down his face reminded Raph of the now very unrecognizable paint job he'd done on Casey's face. It needed to come off for his safety, whether he liked it or not. 

"Ya' need to at least take that shit off." 

"What?" 

"If ya' won't sleep like a normal person, at least just wash the paint off in the sink." Casey looked mortified. 

"No way in HELL am I taking thi' off!!" 

"Your face is gonna get worse if you don't!" 

"DO I LOOK LIKE I CARE 'BOUT MY FACE? ALL I CARE ABOUT IS YOU!!" More tears, falling down his face like a waterfall, making things worse just like Raph feared, but he had a solution. 

"I've been teachin' myself to hold things while you were gone." 

"What?" That was really Casey's favorite word that morning. 

"I'm learnin' how to touch and hold things, Case. I can hold a brush now for like, a minute, if I really try." Casey looked hopeful, his eyes bright and his paint crinkling into a smile. 

"YOU CAN DO PAINT AGAIN?!?" 

"Yeah, babe, I can do paint again!" 

"THEN WE NEED TO GO BUY SOME! I've got money I stole from the Foot punks! LOTS OF IT!" 

That was great and all, but Casey needed sleep before he went out on another adventure into the city. He'd just gotten home after hours of crying on a rooftop! Raph was surprised that he even had any more tears in him, let alone energy, but that's just the benefit of Casey Jones: unlimited energy and lots of repressed emotional trauma. 

"No, Case. Not right now." 

His smile faltered. "Why not?" 

"You need to wash the paint off and sleep. No buts." 

"Bu-" Raph cut Casey off with a hard stare. "FINE. But I'm not sleepin' on the couch and no way in hell am I showin' my face, so you get the mask tonight." 

Raph sighed. "I don't care what I get as long as you're healthy and safe. You know that, right?" Casey knew that extremely well, but would he admit that out loud? No way in hell. 

"Whatever." 

"Case." 

"I said whatever." 

"Casey!" 

"FINE! I know. Just leave me 'lone! Now, I gotta go take this thing off. Thanks lot." 

He did not sound thrilled in the slightest, so Raph got up and walked over to the window in the opposite corner of the apartment, as far away from the sink that Casey had limped to. He heard the sound of water running and Casey's many creative curses, so he was clearly doing what Raph asked. Yeah, he felt bad for making Casey take the paint off, but it wasn't healthy for his body and Raph could try again! 

For now, he'd make Casey buy cream at the store to keep his face nice, and then once he looked better, he could take off the mask and don his signature paint all he wanted. Casey came back a few minutes later, standing by Raph with his mask firmly on his face. 

"Better?" He snarked. 

"Yeah, much better. Now my boyfriend doesn't have crusty shit all over his face." 

"Hey, that was YOUR 'crusty shit', asshole, I was wearing it for YOU!" 

"Well, don't. You're gonna get acne and nobody fucking wants that." 

"All I want is you next to me and that ugly, horny motherfucker DEAD." 

Raph couldn’t keep himself from laughing. "Hah! You said horny!" 

"Shut up, peabrain!" 

"Crustface!" 

"'Least I got a face!" 

"Douchebag!" 

"Asshole!" 

"Love you." 

There was a moment of pause. "...Love ya too, Raphie. I really do." 

"I know." He leaned his head against Casey's mask, trying to keep it so he didn't fall and go right through Casey's body. "Now go the fuck to bed or I'll find a way to unplug that damn freezer." 

He could see Casey's horrified expression even with the mask on. "You WOULDN'T!"

"Oh, I would. Bed. Now." 

Casey's POV

"God, you sound like Leo. Whatever you say, Raphie." He muttered sarcastically, stalking over to the freezer, kissing Raph's slowly decaying corpse goodnight, and crawling on top of it, curling into his usual position. 

After weeks of adapting, his body was finally getting used to the temperature and texture of sleeping on cold, hard metal. Casey didn't care what Raph said, he was still going to do things his way. He needed that security, that sense of normalcy. Especially after finding out that his dead boyfriend is now a ghost that only he can see. What a day. 

Five Months Earlier 

Casey Jones just needed a break. Between not trying to flunk classes, daily hockey practice, vigilante patrol, and the problem that was Arnold Jones, he was just about ready to crash on his couch and call it a day. 

Provided that the couch wasn't occupied by said problem Arnold Jones, which it most likely was. Before he could get home, however, his T-Phone started to ring. If it was anyone other than Raph, he would've smashed the phone on the sidewalk and run over it with his Heelys. 

"Hey, Raphie..." 

"Case! You okay? You don't sound so hot." For once, Raph seemed to be in a good mood. 

"I'm always hot, Raphie, I'm just tired." 

Raph rolled his eyes, letting out a soft groan. "Not too tired for jokes?" 

"That's all I've got for today." 

"Uh-huh. Sure. Anyways, I wondered, since today's a slow day, if you wanted to come over and watch Space Heroes with me?" 

That was an offer Casey Jones couldn't refuse. He was at the lair in three minutes, tossing his shut aside and practically running towards the couch where Raphael was waiting for him. ,

"Woah! Slow down, Casey, I'm not goin' anywhere!" 

"Missed... my boyfriend..." Casey mumbled into Raph's shoulder. 

The turtle softened. "Missed ya too, Case." 

And for a while, they sat there, filling their brains with mind-numbing cartoons until Raph seemed to feel that Casey was asleep, or at least relaxed enough that he felt asleep. Turning off the TV, Raph picked Casey up bridal style and carried him to their shared room, setting him down on the bed as softly as possible. 

As it happened, Casey Jones was not asleep, in fact, he was far from it. It wasn’t often that he let himself take trips into his mind, preferring not to think too deeply most of the time cause it was just too much work. It also meant thinking about topics that he was scared about, like his father, his mother, and his own identity. 

The last one was the thought currently eating away at his remaining brain cells, the one he wished would just go away. It all started with Angel's tea parties.

His little sister, ever the perfectionist, insisted that everyone who participated in her tea parties had to wear a skirt or a dress. She wasn’t picky about which. Casey didn't mind that at all, in fact, the part that scared him most was that he liked it.

He liked dressing up like a girl, acting like a girl, being a girl. Casey Jones was a boy, he knew that he'd always been a boy and that was fine by him, but he'd recently discovered that maybe he was okay being a girl too. 

So, at night, in the comfort of his room, when Arnold was fast asleep in front of the TV, he put on that tea party skirt and called himself she instead of he, and as stupid as he felt, he loved it. Casey Jones loved being a girl. 

He was obviously scared to tell Raph given that Raph was Raph. Tough, manly, acted like he was too good for Angel's tea parties even though he secretly loved them. 

Not that Casey knew that part. Raph was his boyfriend, but even mutant turtles living in the New York Sewers could judge things. He figured he might as well try, and if it went south he could ignore his feelings, bottle them up again, and be the completely normal, trauma-free Casey Jones! 

Right? Yeah, that would have to do. 

"Hey, Raphie?" Raph jumped, not realizing Casey was still awake. 

"Holy SHIT, Case! You almost gave me a heart attack!" 

"Some ninja you are." 

"Shut up." Casey went quiet. 

"Raph? 

"Yeah, Case?" "Can I tell you somethin'?" 

"Sure."

Casey paused for a minute, then shook his head. "Wait..I...Um... never mind." 

Raph's brow furrowed, and he put a hand on the back of his boyfriend's head, stroking his hair softly. "You sure?" 

It was killing him, he couldn't keep it in any longer. Raph would still love him, right? Casey took a deep breath in, and blurted out: "I wanna be your boyfriend but I wanna be your girlfriend too!!" 

Raph's POV

Raph blinked, trying to process what he heard. 

"You wanna be my boyfriend and my girlfriend?" 

"Yeah..." 

"So... are you a girl now too?" He asked curiously, not wanting to upset his lover. Casey looked terrified and Raph could feel him shaking the entire bed from nervousness. 

"Yeah..." He nodded. 

Raph smiled, placing a kiss on his girlfriend's head. "That's pretty cool, Case." 

Casey was shocked, to say the least. "Really? You're.... you're not mad?" 

"Why would I be mad? Now I have a girlfriend and a boyfriend all in one person! That's awesome!" 

Casey felt like she was about to explode from the happiness, kicking her legs and letting out a loud cackle. "YES!" 

"So.... are you... still Casey, or-" 

"Yup! Still good ol' Casey Jones! But now I'm a girl too!" 

"So do I... call you a boy, or, um... how do I-" 

"You can call me a boy, girl, he, she, whatever! Just don't call me late for hockey practice!" 

Raphael could now state with confidence that he had the most annoying boyfriend and girlfriend on the entire planet. 

"So, do you wanna tell anyone else or just... keep it between us?" 

Casey thought it over for a minute. "Ya think your brothers are gonna be like you were?" 

"They should. We're mutant turtles, we're used to people reacting to us weird. But ya know Donnie will probably tease you 'bout it." 

"Eh. I don't care what he does, he's pretty wimpy at insults. Nothin' like you, babe!" 

Raph chuckled, remembering all the times in battle that he'd thrown some killer insult, and heard Casey laugh in the distance. At least somebody liked his jabs! "Thanks, Case. Ya know I love ya, right?" 

"You gettin' soft on me, Raphie?" 

"Only for my girl." Casey blushed bright red, biting his lip and burying her head in Raph's shoulder. 

"FUCK, why does that feel so nice-" 

"Now who's gettin' soft?" 

"Shut up, douchebag, I didn't know bein' a girl would be this nice!" 

"But it feels good?" He sure didn't get it, but if it made Casey happy, then he would do whatever it took to make sure she stayed that way. "It feels AWESOME. Like, like there's been a part of me missing for years and you just gave it to me with one fuckin' WORD." 

That's what it felt like to Casey? Raph calling him a girl was that important? He'd never felt like a part of him was missing after he found Casey, Casey was the missing piece, as corny as that sounded to him. He would ask her more questions later, but for now, he was going to enjoy this time alone with his lover before the Foot attacked again or some random goon tried to threaten the city. They both deserved a well-earned break and a nice cuddle session after everything they'd been through together. 

Not that the aforementioned cuddle session could lay to rest Raph’s own thoughts and worries. Moments of levity, whenever he, Casey, and the others weren’t facing mortal danger in one way or another, were few and far between, which made relaxing a feat only achievable by someone like Mikey, who Raph was sure was down a brain cell or two or ten. 

Casey, for all her virtues, contrary to what Donnie seemed to be holding fast to, didn’t really relax anymore, and Raph had noticed.

Between school, patrolling, spending time with Raph, hockey, staying an active figure in her sister’s life, maintaining enough energy to deal with his dad, and probably devoting some time to thinking extensively about the whole gender thing, sleep, and relaxation were both about as frequent as a blue moon. 

Which was probably why the vigilante was out in record time, snoring lightly as all the tension finally left his body in the way only sleep could do. If Raph held him a little tighter, it's not like anyone could prove it – not even Donnie.

The temperature of the lair was never really finite and pretty dependent on the temperature topside, and as they had quickly figured out, thermostats hadn’t been super high on Donnie’s list of fixes since the Kraang and the Foot had taken notice of them.

Because of that, Raph curled in a little closer, running a three-fingered hand through Casey’s hair. It was a little difficult, given how tall Casey was (and no, dickwad, Raph wasn’t short, everyone else except for Mikey and Leo was unfairly tall as fuck), but he managed, inching up so their heads were level with each other. It was also a useful position if Casey leveled a kick at him because then Raph was in a position to kick back as a gag reflex. 

“G’night, Case,” he whispered, and Casey nuzzled in a little closer, and Raph felt her breath hitch against him momentarily before leveling out. 

By now, he’d long perfected the art of sneaking Casey back into his room, sometimes seeing his little sister, and the little squirt would always promise not to breathe a word of it to anybody else, least of all their father.

Most importantly, he was able to sneak Casey into her room without waking said lover, which really was the kicker, given that most days, when Casey was without his corpse paint, he looked metaphorically dead on his feet. This effect was especially heightened on the days when he had his corpse paint, the poor girl actually looking dead on his feet. 

He kept a careful eye on a small radio with an analog clock, the numbers flicking to the early, ungodly hours of the morning, the sweet spot where that god-awful douchebag Arnold Jones would be asleep, or at least so far gone that he likely wouldn’t register a ninja sneaking his son in through the window. And if he did, then there was a good chance it wouldn’t occur to him to inspect the room until Raph was long gone. Of course, there was a minuscule chance that Arnold would catch them, and in that case, Raph and Casey would snatch up Angel and get the hell out of there. If Arnold Jones had a few broken bones to speak of – that was, assuming he’d be able to speak – then it wouldn't be Raph, Casey, or Angel’s problem. 

Raph blinked the lingering thoughts away, despite how much he wanted to let the thoughts persist. 

Performing the difficult task of situating Casey in his arms without waking him, he peered over his girlfriend as he made his way to an exit. 

Jumping across roofs with minimal difficulty, Raph picked out the Jones apartment. Honestly, the place looked like shit, but according to Casey, it had always looked like that.

As Raph touched down on his target roof, he slowed as a particularly hard draft of wind blew in their faces. They had figured out early in the game that the two combined forces would sometimes wake Casey, and Raph believed that Casey deserved any and all of the limited sleep she could get. 

He took them down the rickety stairs that lead into a small balcony, and balanced himself on the railing, finding his center of gravity, before he leaped onto a window ledge, which had been graciously left ajar. Raph ducked into the room and dumped his partner on the bed in one corner of the room. 

“Sleep tight, Case.” The vigilante let out an odd snoring noise like someone had plugged his nose in the middle of the process so that it sounded more like a ‘snurf’ than anything else. 

Raph helped himself to a brief snort at the sound, and for a second, let himself just exist there. 

He took in Casey’s room – the numerous hockey posters and equipment littered around the walls, a mess of school textbooks that spilled out of a broken school bag, a spinny chair in front of a desk that held the remnants of a rotting meal composed of something that smelled fit for an actual turtle. Raph couldn’t help the scrunching of his face that accompanied the aroma of it. 

Raph took the largest blanket from an asymmetrical pile adjacent to the foot of Casey’s bed and brought it over her. 

“You’d be a mess without me, Jones,” Raph muttered as he turned back to the window, allowing a genuine smile to cross his face before closing it behind him and leaping from the railing into the night.

.

.

.

.

A/N: Plan 10, bitches!! If you're going to tell me that Casey was being cis at ALL in that episode, then we're gonna have some problems /j

I feel you, Casey, gender's hard.

But yeah, this chapter was really fun to write! Oz and I hope you enjoyed!

[thehomebodydiaries]

homebody diaries .002.

the amount of reading that i’ve been doing lately makes me think of when i first discovered booktube: i learned about all these popular books and i was broke for like a consistent year because i wouldn’t stop buying books, but i only made like $9/hr. even now, with a full-time job that pays me almost twice that much, i still don’t know why that worked out for me. it definitely should not have.

anyway, yesterday was “free comic book day” and a local comic store gave me a bag of like sixteen free comics, and then i turned around and spent $80 on more comics. it also reminded me that i had two comics in my favorite series that i haven’t read yet. so i’ve got volumes 10 and 11 of “saga,” and yesterday i purchased the first volumes of “deadly class” and “something is killing the children,” as well as junji ito’s manga interpretation of mary shelley’s “frankenstein,” and then “old man logan,” which is about an elderly wolverine (whose healing capabilities are faltering) who gets picked up by an old hawkeye. it’s what inspired the movie logan, which is objectively speaking the only good x-men movie (do not come for me, i watched those movies for the first time in release date order like last month ago, and i am lowkey way more into the x-men than i am the rest of the marvel heroes, save for like agents of s.h.i.e.l.d.). i also received a package in the mail containing the fifth book in one of my favorite series: the witchlands series by susan dennard. oh my god, and i started the wayward children series by seanan mcguire and it’s so good. and i’m waiting on two more books in the mail, both for my bookclub.

i am so content with it too. i am doing it because i love reading and it brings me joy. plus, who doesn’t love some easy escapism? same reason i love video games.

speaking of which, i gotta start a farm with some friends. there have been so many updates and i haven’t played the pc version of it in so long. maybe i’ll convince a few of them to let me stream it. that, and palworld. i’m just not sure when i should start streaming; it feels like i have so much left to do, but it also feels like i’m not doing anything at all. so i might have to try streaming for 3-4 hours on my days off, with or without friends. my problem when it comes to streaming is that i’m my own boss, so not following through with a schedule doesn’t really have any consequences. but i really gotta get that started, otherwise i feel like i’ll never get around to it. it certainly would be nice to eventually make some extra money off of it. thought i wanted to be a val streamer, but i shockingly haven’t even really touched the game since i moved into my new place.

izzy and i watched four movies in a day on friday: mr. and mrs. smith, bullet train, baby driver, and everything everywhere all at once. all of them were so good, although everything everywhere all at once was… interesting. like the whole overall message of it is great and everything, like we love old traditional parents learning how to accept the things they can’t control about their child, but like… the buttplugs. wow. what a scene. (and that is all i’ll say on that; if you know, you know.)

i’m working on a linktr.ee with all my currently active and soon-to-be active accounts, which includes tumblr, discord, snapchat, and twitch. i was thinking about making a patreon, but i feel like i should gather an audience before i attempt managing another account. i already hate social media as it is which is why i only have what i have… we’ll see where it goes.

anyway, it was a solid weekend. i’m still tired, but i did drink quite a bit at a party last night and now i’ve got five days of work ahead of me, and my coworkers alone make that exhausting. but i’ve got lots of reading and writing to do to keep myself relaxed in between moments of masking (totally gonna be the name of my autobiography), especially once the new bookclub pick arrives. i’ll try not to be too miserable by tuesday.

[artdecosupernova-writing]

Partners

Reagan Gilmore and Ben Murray are desperate to take their music and comedy act—aptly called Gilmore and Murray—to the big leagues. In New York City, the year 1950 to be more specific, when and where you can’t swing a baseball bat without hitting someone demanding a duo act with talent, that doesn’t seem to be too hard. The tricky part, however, is rising to the top of the heap when you’re indebted to a particularly notorious crime syndicate.

Protagonists

Reagan Gilmore • 29 • August 15th, 1921 • Ireland

Reagan moved to a small town in New Jersey with his parents at age 9 and met Ben the same day. Some would say it was love at first sight, as the two have been inseparable ever since. At age 13, Reagan’s parents moved back to Ireland and he stayed behind since he couldn’t bear the thought of being so far away from Ben. He’s got incredibly good looks in spades and the charisma to back it up, which he’s learned to use to his and Ben’s advantage. He can have as big a heart as he wants but he’s deeply flawed and he’s tried to quell it for decades.

Ben Murray • 25 • February 27th, 1925 • New Jersey

A mama’s boy through and through, Ben has abandonment issues and a heavily codependent relationship with Reagan. Until age 5 it was just him and his mom, Shoshana, against the world, and meeting a little Irish boy new to town chucked a very welcome wrench in that cozy dynamic for the rest of their lives. Something dark brews beneath the complex surface of one Benjy Mertz. He fears being alone, even in his own apartment, and going as much as a week without seeing his best friend is practically equivalent to being imprisoned.

• • •

"Well," Ben said suddenly. "...What if we could work and celebrate Charlotte's birthday at the same time?" Reagan paused in the midst of kneeling to hand Carolyn another wooden car. "What?" Ben swiveled to face him, hands on his hips. "What if we didn't have to miss her birthday after all? We could...have a celebration at the Heron." Reagan and Carolyn exchanged a glance, the concern doubling in her face. "Have a child's birthday party at the Heron?" Reagan pushed himself to his feet. "Have you cracked? Geevo wouldn't allow a child to look at the Heron, and you think he's gonna let one waltz into the house just 'cause we work there?" "All we gotta do is ask, Reggie." Reagan lifted his eyebrows. "Be my guest." A quick jab of fear split through Ben's chest. "Wh—why's it gotta be me?!" "It was your idea. You're the one stupid enough to think you can ask something insulting of the man almost certainly involved in the mob that just so happens to hand us our paychecks after every performance of lascivious smiles and flop sweat." "It's a good idea," Carolyn interjected. "If you could pull it off, it would be better than missing out for six years in a row." Without breaking eye contact with Ben, Reagan released a slow breath, the weight of Carolyn's words once again sinking into his shoulders with the strength of a weighted blanket. He eventually lowered his gaze to the toys in her hands.

• • •

"He pays us," Reagan reminded him through gritted teeth once the door clicked closed behind them. "He lets me live in a house with my family, and lets you live, full stop." "With money that he likely inherited when someone went the way of the executed," Ben hissed, shrugging Reagan off of him. They hurried through the hall to get as far away from the office as possible. "We don't owe him shit! If anything, we're the reason that shit-head rakes in as much as he does every goddamn week!" Reagan shoved him into the wall. "If he hears you mouthin' off like that, I will let him wring your pencil neck, do you hear me? He's got all the right ties to all the wrong people." "Or is that the wrong ties to the right people?" Ben said, rubbing his shoulder as they turned a corner. "With Geevo Jones it doesn't matter. You'd be dead either way and I wouldn't know what to do with myself." "It'd tear you up that much, huh?" Reagan came to a stop and turned to him, picking up on the neediness behind the faux-casual question. "You've been my best friend for twenty years. You think I would've stuck with you that long if I didn't care about someone blowing your brains out?" Ben paused, nose scrunching. "...Didja have to get offensive?" "Yeah." Reagan smiled.

[cosmicanger]

I thought you (applies to multiple ppl) were a collaborator but you just a fan and that’s okay im just looking for collaborators. and i gotta watch more of the Bear but starting that reminded me of that meme about ppl wanting a certain ship on the show and some ppl saying they want the ship to happen and others being like they are just friends and yea im with the latter. the “ship” to me looks like platonic love to me idk. and the show and Cancer season got me thinking about how i feel like i always bring so much intellectual labor to art relationships but the relationships are not reciprocal, they are parasitic really, not mutually beneficial. always got me thinking “umm none of y’all putting me on like i been putting y’all on” idk i look at the color field Black ppl and how they stick together or Kamoinge Workshop sticking together or AfriCOBRA and how they all worked in the same language but never felt they were stepping on each others toes and learned from each other. like where can i find artists who wanna do shit like that. not saying i wanna make a collective and have a brand but more collaboration more mutual and parallel learning idk. i might be the best unpaid art teacher of all time, so many ppl have learned something from me and i feel i learn so little from others to be quite honest. im also not saying i know it all either im just saying i put so much into art and people acting like I dont exist at this point. if i dont exist why you (sadly applies to multiple ppl) change your practice cause of me? well i dont fully exist to anyone in the arts, im just an idea until im gone from this realm and someone else can make money off my work and people will give me my flowers then. I just wanna live alone and make art full time and get on hrt one day and stay mostly to myself to d**th idk shouldnt be that much to ask, no? welp til then no more <<real>> shit for me, no more theory posts, no text besides in the asks which i will keep anon on. im surrounded by cowards.