#got SUPER triggered today
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#got SUPER triggered today#i'm fine everything is fine it was just a series of events that felt like i was back in the worst day of my life#and i let myself cry and talked to some friends and made cupán tae and watered my plants and put on a lava lamp#did all my calming and centering strategies#and then i was basically ok. like still upset but basically ok.#so often I feel like my entire inside is just a massive raw bloody wound but. I have healed a bit. all my effort has done something.#(...cupán tae means cup of tea. but one of the few times our dad spoke his native language to us was when he'd ask if we wanted tea)#(making cupán tae is different from just making some tea. and this was cupán)
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₊‧°𐐪♡𐑂°‧₊
Sometimes life is harder than usual. Sometimes triggers hit you harder than you think they “should”, sometimes your emotions take control, sometimes thoughts of relapsing are stronger than others, some days are just too much.
♡ and that’s okay!! ♡
Having bad days doesn’t mean all of your progress is gone, it doesn’t mean all your work is for nothing, it doesn’t mean you’re going to be “like this” forever.
#positivity#jiraiblr#landmineblr#jiraiblogging#work was super triggering for my OCD today and also sick animals and just ah nightmare#and then my friend group started EXPLODING with drama when I got home abt one girl who just joined it#but they were really understanding when I asked them to take me out of the group chats so I can just chill for a little bit#and most of the friend group is starting to realize it was all a big misunderstanding so that’s good#and my bf is gunna come over and make sure that I’m okay (: so that’s also good#anyways yeah today was really hard for like a lot of reasons but it’s okay! hard days happen!#when it rains it pours#and all that
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Today has sucked so bad I need tk be in my partner's arms instead of dealing with all of this </3
#negative#I am doing So not good today#< mentally and physically. it all hurts 👍#got jumpscared by one of my triggers and it just like. really put me in a bad mood and it's still bothering me a lot#I've been so distracted by thoughts about personal stuff thag I have fucked up making dinner 3 times now#thank god I have therapy this week I need it so bad. falls off a cliff#all I want to do right now is be held by Zooble. this would fix everything wrong with me#also Super disappointed because I have been trying to draw all day but I can't focus because I'm so tired#I'm still going to try and do it anyway. I need to do anything to try and make myself not feel bad anymore lol
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Urrrrggggghhhhhhhhh
#previously on claires life#made the mistake of going out and drinking after an exhausting week#but it was lesbian night at the big club here so#it was fun seeing all the ladies out#BUT#I had to hear this girl I sort of had a thing for#go ON AND ON about how much she needed to communicate with the person she was seeing and respecting his boundaries#when its like#where the fuck has that same consideration been for me?#getting her to talk is like pulling teeth#and if youre not into me just SAY THAT#dont make me waste my time#feeling hella triggered and very hungover today#i feel super neglected too by. all my friends#idk it was a bad night even if I got to dance with a sexy fat dyke at the end#and at least imm picking up#ketamine#today#happy fucking pride babes
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Me at 10:30pm, delusional: I can definitely do the Cazador fight and then go to sleep at a normal time
#j rambles#I Feel So Normal About These Characters#i gotta say it's still a hard fight but the blood of lathandar makes it. significantly easier lol#i don't have anything insightful to say other than just. god i love astarion's story. they did such a good job#plus the graveyard scene was super sweet#(i knew about the 'absolute freak' line but i never knew what conversation it triggered in so that made me actually laugh out loud)#only dampened a little by the amount of animation bugs I've been seeing since the last patch#interactions with the taller player character have felt a little janky recently#i also got my halsin scenes earlier today and whenever my character kisses him in the camp they both try to lean down which looks very sill#(now i get why halsin is written Like That in fanfic. holy hell)#anyway. i made a save before the fight so i may go back after this run to see what the ascension is like#i don't think it'll be as satisfying but i am curious#OKAY i have to go to sleep it's nearly 2#in which j liveblogs#baldur's gate 3
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bro convinced me to play kakarot… he is. so small
#todays my one day off between midterms being due and instead of doing the last one early i. watched all of the kung fu panda trilogy#and was convinced to buy and start playing dbz kakarot (look it was 85% off. hella good deal)#and now i want to draw stuff for BOTH. rip#i am so so bad at this game lmao but i can cheese it on easy mode. i am here for the plot and also gohan <3#i was about to stop playing but realized the next bit was gohan with sword getting to fight a dino and got super excited!! and i went to do#it. but i guess i was standing in a bad spot when the cutscene triggered bc. poor guy clipped through the floor and fell into the void#asking 'where'd all the dinosaurs go :('. and we lost our shit askdfjdsj#anyway. good game. what the hell piccolo#text✨#dragon ball
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did some reading today......this year i'm gonna try to read more because i used to love to read and then i stopped and i have a ton of books i want to read....
#the wretched gremlin strikes again#i feel like social media has like ruined my attention span and idk what to do about it besides like trying to do things offline#for a period of time every day#i also got some new books for christmas that i am excited to read!!!#and i have some comics i got over the past year that i want to read but i was really put off reading comics because of the comic that i rea#that was super triggering to me like it just put me off comics but i think i'm ok to read them again!#i read for like an hour today which made me really happy because that's the most i've read since we like moved from the shitty apartment#when i had access to a library and was taking books out from there to read!#i'm still reading american psycho by bret easton ellis which i got over the summer and kept meaning to read more#but never really got around to it
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the shitty thing about being in a better state mentally is you don't even get to enjoy your own tantrums. "I'm gonna throw myself in front of a bus and splatter all over the pavement" used to be satisfying, but now it's just like dealing with a dog yanking on a leash. "no, we don't solve our problems anymore with fantasizing about our violent death," said by someone diligently plodding along with the intention of living to their 80s.
#I got triggered super bad yesterday and when I was trying to troubleshoot it I got in a fight with a friend#stuff that absolutely woulda had me reaching for the knife or the pills a few years back but nooooooo#I had a meal and a bath and am drinking water after walking 9km today#grumble grumble mutter mutter#tw suicide
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hi. i'm really really happy right now but today WAS kind of a mess but a happy mess? i spent $60 dollars at a flea market. <3
#nightmare.personal#BUT IT WAS LIKE AN ACTUALLY WELL PRICED FLEA MARKET#there's a neighborhood here that sells this exact same shit super expensive#i got a zine ($10) a ring (fancy $15 edition but it SPINS) 4 other rings ($7) a necklace ($8)#and a leather-ish (?) jacket ($20 which is a FUCKING STEAL)#aaaaand the $20 was in cash so it's basically fake money and doesn't matter anyway#i feel good though! surprisingly! i always feel like shit after shopping#but now i'm just Happy. okay it IS work time though#and friends today also. :') got triggered then was able to ground. YIPPEE! AND I GOT COFFEE!!!!
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still upset with my boss so offloading my email once again while i’m off tomorrow!
#eris: text#and it was super upsetting today cause he was mad at my other coworker and slammed a computer down right in front of me#like i visibly jumped and was shaken for the rest of the day#cause like that’s something my parents do! instead of explaining what’s wrong! so it genuinely deeply triggered me and i was so anxious#i threw up at work! like that’s not okay! and it’s just so crazy because before last thursday he has NEVER#made me feel unsafe or uncomfortable at work and so this complete 180 is fucking with me so bad#and my one coworker who tried talking about it got written up! and told talking about it was gossiping and it’s just… awful vibes at work#currently for literally no reason and i hate it
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Got to take my first official outing in my wheelchair today! went to the library, got to learn about hills and how that goes, and acquired a blister on one of my thumbs from wheelin' myself about.
it was a good experience. i'm not Good at it yet, i've got a lot of muscle to build up too, but i feel like it's Possible to get there for me, and like. i was worried i would have over done it on my arms, and like...nah. they're good. they're sore, yeah but they don't hurt. which is a novel distinction i've never really felt before but THAT is another rant. One i don't care to get into, i'm blowing all my spoons on this so I remember the good things in my day better and maybe unfunk myself.
also i did a really sick move curving around a corner to got down the ramp to the asphalt of the parking lot that made me feel like a total badass and like i super knew what i was doing even though it was all gravity
#i'm going to rest all day tomorrow and wednesday to save up my spoons for a potential thursday or friday ooting#to take it to the grocery store and do some shopping as well as get more practice in with the chair#the house is less wheelchair friendly than might be preferred but it does mean that it's cane and unassisted friendly#should one need to collapse against the wall dramatically for both narrative and physical pain purposes#i technically used it the first time officially last night to help me in the kitchen#where it was indeed super fucking useful to have#so yeah#otherwise i haven't done a whole bunch today and i did have a small hiccup afterwards that triggered me into a tiny little drop#but i am much practiced in this happening i just get more startled by it now because it doesn't happen as much anymore#but i got a lot of experience prior to recently so it's just a matter of riding it out and taking care of myself#i say tiny little it felt very massive but like mine are *always* dramatic#much like my cat and the plant that lives in my room i'm just a dramatic lil bitch
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venting sorry... don't want to just delete it bc it helps to get it out just ignore this post pls 👍
haven't slept much at all and feeling so sick andstressed and in pain bc my period is due and so tired its making me dizzy but i cant sleep more or ill just feel more sick and I want a hug and to cry so hard into someones shoulder but no one cares or will even come near me it makes me feel diseased they think things about me that aren't true bc I struggle so much to communicate and thry all make assumptions insteqd and no one wants to give me space to talk to them about it so I cant undo that now and its all my fault and I'm so. exhausted :-(
#going to try and stay awake until lunch at least and yhen maybe ill take a nap. but i need to be able to sleep rpoperly tonight#at least i know im only feeling depressed bc my period is due which means my meds dont work how they should#like its kind of weird n psychologically interesting to feel so depressed again suddenly bc i havent been at all lately#well theres not much i can do abt feeling sick and in pain but ill take it easy. wasnt planning on leaving the house today anyway#and i do need to find a way to talk to ppl abt shit im struggling to communicate bc it really does bother me. and i dont want to do this#im tired of keeping everything in and wound so tightly i just want to feel seen and safe around someone please. please 🥹#its all well n good getting along with people better than i rver havebut if they still wont support me when im going through it#then it fades into shallowness like our friendship still has value. but im unable to feel close to them or safe around them#and right now im glad im doing so well im glad of so manynthings but its so scary to know that if i start doing bad again there is#noone and nothing there to catch me i dont have anything in the way of a safety net just myself. so better not fall 👍#and irs been makinf me feel so horrible lately bc my mum has been trying to emotionally drpend on me again and its making me feel like#when i was a teenager again and i was fighting for my fucking life against what i didnt know was mental illness and i had no outlet and#nowhere to go and i wanted to die so badly and meanwhile everyone around me was completely unaware and making me handle all of their#emotional issues and i was trapped there absorbing everyone elses damage and not being able to express mine and thankfully i didnt kill#myself and i got out and ive gotten so much bettee and worse and better sinxe and how i feel now is nothing like that really but im just#being reminded of it a lot and how hard expressing myself is and sometimes it feels like ive made so little progress#in thetorture labyrinth out here. but i dont want to do this forever i need to get better at expressing i just need people to support me#but i feel unsupported its like thin ice. but its alsonmy fault for not trusting. i dontnknowwwww.#maybe when i dont have to pay for private meds anymore and when i get this raise at the end of the year ill try therapy again#i dont think itll solve the issue bc its the ppl i care abt in my life that i need to be able to talk to. but maybe i can get some#better tools to help me be able to do that. i dontnknow i dont want to think about it anymore actually im going to go do smth else#sorry for venting its been a really nice weekend genuinely feeljng so good in general atm. and yeah i still struggle with the same things#but generally ive been handling their effect on my mental health so much better!!!! like im still feeling okay regardless of them#but they are still there and i will need to go from tolerating them to dissolvjng them at some point if i want to feel okay long term#it doesnt have to be like this. and i do actually truly believe that for once which rly is a sign of how much prpgress ive made!!!!#working on my shit is a fucking lifelong project....as im sure it is for everyone else too. all of our first time on planet earth#we will get through yhis. and anyway how i feel now is super temporary jsut triggered by a few thingsand ill keep reacting to them this#way until i managr to properly resolve them properly instead of folding them nicely and tucking them out of view#bleugh. okay yeah thats enough for now. meds softening the edges too ive stopped crying which is smth#chilling for a bit n then im going to watch some tv or a movie and iron and polish my boots and after lunch i might draw. or not we'll see
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#ngl losing belief that this hospital can help meeee lmfao#also i am incredibly bored and understimulated today so i am now incredibly depressed#love this life l o l#too emotionally exhausted to do any basic life/health errands#maybe if i stare at the ceiling i'll stop being depressed aksbdgaiaifnd#thats a joke#got super triggered by a reddit post talking abt how op's family was super happy to go on a vacation without them lmfao#and all i could think abt is how my parents have planned multiple “family” trips without me(bc i have to “take care of the cats”)#and how my sister gave my mother a photo of the three of us with me removed so its just them#and they both yelled at me for being “dramatic” when i was upset about it#nevermind they have plenty of photos together#nevermind they could have taken a new photo together#the ONE photo of the three of us#and they both still think i overreacted years later#i've always been the odd one out in my family#and my parents have always been happy to miss my events#especially if they can prioritise my sibling#anyway lmfao i was already super depressed and now im triggered too. thanks cptsd#actually triggered not “mildly upset”#also being the only person left out of the loop re: d&d group not catching up bc ppl went on vacation#and someone i genuinely thought was a friend not responding to my messages for months#👍#love it love my life things are going so well
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GODDD THEY'RE SO CUTE I need to kiss them right now
#got super bad triggered today so I've been looking at zooble images to calm myself down#< my usual coping emchanism for everything anymore lol#ANYWAYYYYY they're sooo 🥺🥺😳😳💝💖💝💝💖💝💗💘💞💘💞💘💕💘💓💘💗💘💝💗💘💞💘💞💘��💘💖💘💓💘💞💘💞💌💓💘💌💓❣💗💘💗💘💓💘💞💘💓💘💗💘#I love them so much. I am so gay for them <3#something about the way they're sitting in the first image is so cute to me <:]#but jsut in general they're super cute like. all the time#idk I'm so sleepy and idk what else to say. I just think they're neat :3
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i know im oversharing abt my mental health on tumblr cuz i almost just posted "im thinking about getting into cutting myself again" girl if you dont stfu
#or more accurately stabbing myself cuz cutting doesn't really do anything#i think i got really super triggered twice today and now my brain is actively trying to kill me#ptsd is NOT FUN!!!!!! NOT FUN#cant even express how much it fucking sucks. i want to scream at somebodg i want to argue i want to kill someone#and i DEFINITELY want to kill myself#but only slowly and painfully none of that overdose shit. i want to suffer#txt#tw suicide mention#tw self harm
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