#gonna try to avoid collapsing before im there

[stackslip]

im trying hard to watch wrestling and other shit rn bc im legit on the verge of a complete mental breakdown

[softpascalito]

I To Dig a Grave I Chapter 1 I

Summary: Twenty-one years after the outbreak, you come to Wyoming looking for something and end up in Jackson after a stranger saves your life.

But he doesn't stay a stranger.

Turns out Joel Miller is looking for something too. It feels like a fresh start. But when bad luck seems to follow you, Joel is the only one to turn to, forcing both of you to confront your feelings about your pasts- and each other.

Pairing: Joel Miller x F!Reader Rating: Explicit / MDNI Word count: 7k+ Tags: Hurt/Comfort, Angst, Friends to Lovers, Slow Burn, Age Difference, Smut, Explicit Content, Grief/Mourning, Mental Health Issues, Canon-Typical Violence, Chose not to use Archive Warnings, Tags to be added

AO3 LINK // Series Masterlist // Playlist

notes: this work has been quite a while in the making and im very excited to finally share the first chapter! a huge thank you to the wonderful josie for being my beta reader and listening to all my rambling <3

this fic will deal with heavy topics. please note that it doesn't use archive warnings and tags will be added as we go in order to avoid spoilers. each chapter will have detailed warnings in the end notes on ao3.

Chapter 1 - The Before

‘‘I will be very sad to leave here’, Yves said, suddenly. ‘I have never been happier than I have been in this house.’ ‘I have been very happy too. I wonder if we will ever be so happy again.’’  - Another Country, James Baldwin

You’d been on the run for what felt like weeks but could only have been days when you found the gas station next to an abandoned mall. It had looked promising, the half-rotten advertisements plastered to the walls, reminding your stomach that it had gone far too long without a proper meal, or any meal for that matter.

Maybe if you hadn’t been so starved or so tired, you would’ve heard them coming, the Infected that stormed through the back door practically the moment you slipped into the building. A yell escaped your throat, your hand instinctively reaching for the knife you kept buckled to your leg. You didn't even get the chance to pull it out of its makeshift holster before the creature was on top of you, pinning you to the floor with what felt like inhuman strength.

“Fucking- get off-” you grunted, but even if the thing on top of you had been one that listened to commands, your thin and shaky voice likely wouldn’t have impressed it.

So this was how you were gonna go out. In a town you couldn't even name, somewhere in the snowy mountains of Wyoming, after finally escaping the life you’d been stuck in for so long. You hadn't even made it a month.

For a second, you considered trying to reach for your gun, still tucked into your pants and pressing into your back uncomfortably. You could feel its outline against your skin, a pain shooting through your spine as the Infected seemed to double its effort to reach your neck with its mouth, half-rotten teeth close enough that you could recognize the foul smell of death.

Then, the gun went off. Or you thought it did. The unmistakable sound of a gunshot rang in your ears as the Infected collapsed on top of you. But the feeling of your pistol pressing into your back was still there. It had been a gun. But not yours.

“I got her!” a voice above you bellowed out, an unmistakable southern drawl. “Tommy, give me some cover here, goddammit!”

You hadn't even noticed the second man, who was now aiming his gun at another runner storming towards him. He fired, once, twice, and the Infected let out a howl before its body hit the tiled floor with a thud.

“Hey, you with me?” The man above you leaned down, shoving the Infected that had been on top of you to the side unceremoniously. He was dressed in a worn jacket, jeans and boots, the latter two splattered with blood. His right hand, covered in a weathered leather glove, was stretched out towards you, an invitation to, well, you weren't exactly sure.

“She good?”

The second man approached the pair of you, your eyes flying over to him for a split moment. He was dressed similarly, except that he looked a little younger than his partner. He shouldered his rifle and tucked a loose strand of hair behind his ear. Your gaze flew back to the man in front of you, to the brown eyes that carried an unexpectedly gentle look, not quite matching the gruff way he looked. Shaking slightly, you placed your hand in his, and the next moment, he was pulling you to your feet.

“There you are.”

You nodded, a motion that looked more like your head was jerking on its own accord. But the man seemed to accept it. As the other one stepped towards you, the taller of the two men spoke again.

“You clean?” When no response came, he pressed on, his tone getting a little more impatient. “Did it bite you? Scratch you anywhere?”

The other one gently placed a hand on his chest, forcing your attention onto himself. “Can you walk? Our horses are two houses over, we've got a place where you can rest, get some food-”

“I'm not going anywhere with you,” you blurted out. You'd had your fair share of people, of men offering you ‘help’ and it never stopped there. There was payment, always. In this world, it was stupid to think there wouldn't be, that anyone would help you out of the kindness of their hearts.

“You're not going anywhere else by the looks of it, either,” the man with the gloves muttered, more than loud enough for you to hear. “You won't last a week.”

“I've lasted longer, asshole,” you shot back, suddenly angry at the stranger in front of you. He didn't know you, he didn't know the things you'd gone through to get here. So what if he had saved your life? It didn't give him the right to predict your death.

The other man nudged his ribs, extending his hand to you as well, though it was more of a formality this time. 

“Name’s Tommy. The asshole is my brother Joel.”

He paused for a moment, clearly thinking about how to approach this the right way. “Look, I'm sure you've been traveling for quite some time. We can give you a place to recover. You can leave anytime, I promise.”

You eyed him carefully. It did sound too good to be true. But it also did sound- good. A roof over your head, warm food in your stomach- two things you'd been craving for quite some time.

“Okay.”

The man who had introduced himself as Tommy gave a short nod and led the way to the horses, following tracks in the snow the two men had left while coming to your rescue. Joel pulled up the rear and you had a feeling that his eyes were trained on you, watching carefully, maybe for a twitch or anything else out of the ordinary. Again, you weren't sure why, but it made you angry.

“I told you I wasn't bit,” you repeated in his direction as Tommy began untying the horses. 

Joel raised a brow, clearly surprised by the attitude in your voice. “‘ts what they usually say.”

“Well, I'm not,” you replied, turning your back on him and focusing on his brother instead. Tommy pretended not to have heard either of you but somehow you were certain he had.

“C’mon, you can ride with me. It's not too far.”

Not too far turned out to be a good hour, the crisp autumn air making you shiver, and you were thankful for the warmth of both the horse and Tommy. But what the ride lacked in temperature it made up for in views, the sun coming out just as you passed the first sign that read ‘Jackson County’.

You didn't even mind Joel's occasional glances towards you as much, finding that with the sunlight playing in his brown curls, his look screamed less of danger and more of concern. Whether it was concern for Tommy or you or something entirely different, you weren't sure.

The answer came to you in the form of your housing arrangements. After getting over the first shock of riding up a busy mainstreet in what looked like an actual, functioning town, a thing you hadn't thought possible anymore, you had made use of what must have been the first functioning toilet you'd seen in months. You felt like a child being steered through the crowd at a busy carnival, if the food hall, the functioning plumbing and electricity and the music drifting from one of the smaller shops was any indication.

“You know we ain't got any unoccupied places and Maria and mine’s no good with the baby screaming all night,” Tommy muttered urgently and you frowned a little. The two men were standing a few feet away, clearly unaware that you were already back and you awkwardly shoved your hands in your pockets, considering going back inside for a moment. But then Joel opened his mouth and you couldn't help but listen in on their conversation. The older man seemed as much a mystery as the entire scene around you.

Tommy piped up before Joel even had a chance to argue. “It's just for a couple of nights. I’m sure Ellie and you will manage. You take her in, explain the basics and as soon as we got a place, you can go back to shutting yourself off from every goddamn person in this town-”

“I don’t-” Joel interrupted before shaking his head, a low grunt leaving his throat.

“Fine. Until Thursday, no longe-” He broke off at the look on Tommys face, one that was aimed directly at you. You shyly nodded in his direction and closed the distance between you in a few quick steps. 

The younger man cleared his throat, giving you a reassuring smile. “Find everything okay?”

“Yeah, thanks,” you replied politely. You hated how forced the conversation felt, already regretting listening in on it at all.

“Joel here’s gonna get you settled for the night, you let him know if you need anything else. I'll stop by in the morning and introduce you to Maria, she’s-”

“The boss,” Joel finished for him, earning a small glare from Tommy. 

“One of our elected leaders,” he corrected, another smile playing around his lips at the mention of what you assumed must be his wife. “Well, I'll leave ya two to it.”

Joel took you home. He still gave you that look, and with Tommy gone, you could be sure that it was actually aimed towards you. It was like he was still on guard but whether it was of you or something else, you couldn't tell.

“Here's how this is gonna go,” he started as he fumbled with the front door of the house clad in white. “You get a quick check-up, a shower, some fresh clothes- you get the idea.”

“I get the idea,” you repeated as he led you into the hallway, unable to keep yourself from glancing around for a moment, catching a peek of the dining room. “You live here by yourself?”

“Why?”

His question hit you out of nowhere and you stuttered for a moment, racking your brain for a good response, “Just- I was making conversation. Jesus.”

“Right,” Joel nodded, his gaze softening a bit. He placed his bag onto the floor and tapped his right thigh absent-mindedly. “Come on, follow me.”

He took you into the upstairs bathroom that smelled faintly of soap, reminding you that you hadn't had a proper wash in more days than you cared to count. There were a few small containers, mostly re-used mason jars, that were labeled ‘shampoo’ or ‘body wash’, sitting orderly on the small shelf next to the tub.

You felt more than heard Joel shift behind you and turned to meet his gaze. He was still watching, arms crossed, seemingly waiting for something.

“Do I- shower?” you asked softly and he sighed a little at that. 

“I need to check you for bites.” His voice was low but still carried a small note of sternness in it. 

Oh, right.

“I didn't agree to that.”

You could see his hand twitch, the handle of his revolver still sticking out the back of his jeans. “You're bit.”

It was more of a statement than anything else, like he already knew what was waiting for him under your clothes, maybe a bite on your leg, a scratch on your stomach. Joel had dealt with enough people that had been marked for death like that to know the signs of it. The thing was, he was wrong.

“Is this what it is?” you asked, quietly, trying to keep your voice from shaking.

“Excuse me?”

“Is that why you go outside, save people? So you can bring them back here, get them to take their clothes off for you-”

“Whoa-” Joel held up both hands, shaking his head very slowly. “I think we got off on the wrong foot here. I need to check you for bites, it’s protocol.” His voice was still deep, that southern drawl you heard earlier in the gas station still present but somehow softer. His features had shifted, seeming genuinely surprised by the turn of your conversation.

“Now, if you want someone else to do it, I can get a lady and let her look you over. We just want to be sure we don’t bring Infected in, that's all.”

“That's all?” you asked as he kept his eyes trained on you, his hands still up in the air and his expression soft.

“I swear, that's all. If you can show me you're not bit, I'll get you that shower, some food, you name it.”

You gave a small nod at that, your body deflating a little. It had been an incredibly long day and the man in front of you seemed genuine. If he wasn't, you could still try and bail.

Joel turned slightly under the pretense of grabbing a towel from below the sink but you knew he was attempting to give you a bit of privacy- even though he clearly didn’t trust you enough to fully turn his back on you. With shaky hands, you began to strip, holding back a wince as you forced your bruised body to move. The fabric of your shirt clung to your skin, dry blood forcing another whimper out of your throat.

You felt Joel's head snap towards you at that but ignored him, unwilling to give him the satisfaction of showing quite how uncomfortable you felt about going through this with him next to you.

He was quick and professional, his large hands brushing over your skin as he made sure you were clean.

“All good,” he commented shortly when he was satisfied, his shoulders relaxing a bit as he reached for a stack of folded towels. Then, his gaze rested on your head again, more specifically, on your matted hair.

“You want me to get someone to cut that for you? Might be easier than-”

“No,” you quickly piped up. You knew your body was malnourished and likely had a dozen other things wrong with it. You didn’t want to lose your hair too.

Joel nodded, his hand absent-mindedly trailing over a particularly nasty knot. “I think I got some soap conditioner in the closet. You want to give that a try?” 

“Yeah, that’d be great,” you responded curtly and Joel disappeared from the room for a few moments. He came back, as promised, with a soap smelling of jasmine and cotton. 

He didn’t seem as hesitant, now that he knew you weren’t bit. At least that’s what you assumed had caused the shift in him. It didn’t occur to you that it might be the fact that you were sitting on his bathroom tiles, shivering, assuming the worst in him, in men, hell, in society. That you looked like a wounded deer, ready to take off at the slightest notion of danger, no matter how badly you were already bleeding.

Joel was a lot more gentle than you would have expected a man of his build to be. He seemed to know exactly what he was doing, reaching just far enough to cover your entire hair, but never letting any conditioner run down onto your face. It made you wonder if he was a father. Then you remembered his brother had mentioned a girl earlier, Ellie. Still, you knew better than to ask. You’d likely be gone in a few days anyway.

But, there was one question that you couldn’t keep from slipping out of your mouth.

“Why did you think I was bit?”

Joel paused for a moment, his fingers slowing down ever so slightly as he seemed to think about his words.

“You weren’t fighting hard enough. To stay alive, I mean. You were acting like someone who knows that their time is up.”

An uncomfortable silence settled between the two of you. You felt his hand brush over the crown of your head, lathering the matted mess that was your hair with soap in small, circular motions.

“I thought it was,” you whispered, honestly. You couldn't bring yourself to lie to him. But you couldn't bring yourself to explain it either.

He didn’t ask.

Neither of you spoke again until you were curled up in his bed, him insisting to take the couch for the night. He’d fed you some soup, relieved when he saw that your stomach could handle that. He’d warned you that it might not, after getting so used to going days without food. You’d gotten some worn but warm clothes to wear after the shower and now your body was sinking into an actual mattress. It was more than you’d dreamed of just that morning.

Joel paused in the doorway, his hand tapping against his jeans, a habit you had already picked up on. It was like he didn’t know what to do with his hands when they weren’t holding a gun.

“You don’t have to leave,” he said quietly. “You know that, right?”

Your mouth went dry as you tried to keep your tone nonchalant. His expression told you that it wasn't exactly working. “Who said I was leaving?”

“You look like you will.”

Again, a quiet fell over you and you shook your head softly. “What, you were a psychologist before or something?”

He smiled weakly. “Contractor.”

After a short pause, he went on. “I know it's hard to- to trust. When ya first get here. I felt the same.” 

You felt a small breath leave your throat at that. “But it gets better?”

“There's hot water, three meals a day, fair working conditions. I don't think it gets much better out there,” he pointed out softly before giving you a small nod.

“I'll be downstairs if you need anything. Good night.”

27 months later

The almost-empty soap sits on your bathroom shelf, the one that’s screwed to the wall just above the worn-out bathtub. You’ve gotten it refilled every few months, sometimes sooner if you wanted to allow yourself a little treat. It still reminds you of your first day in Jackson, of the safety that you so quickly felt in every room of Joel's house.

You still have some time before you have to head to work and the blue sky promises a cold but clear day so you decided to go and check if you’re in luck with any available refills today. Stock always changes throughout the week and while there’s usually something available, you prefer to get your chosen products if possible.

No such luck.

“Sorry, we’re all out. Think patrols cleared out the store that had these a while ago,” the woman behind the counter says apologetically. “We have some others if you’d like to try a new one, there’s-”

“I’m good,” you quickly insist, giving her a small smile when you notice you may have sounded a little harsh. “I’ll just wait and see if some more comes in.”

In one quick motion, you turn around and head towards the door- only to run face-first into a broad chest draped in a thick, brown coat.

“Whoa.” The deep voice above you immediately sends a gentle warmth through your body and you take a small step back to be able to squint up at the man you bumped into.

“Sorry, Texas, didn't see you there.”

“I told you to stop calling me that,” Joel mutters weakly, fumbling with the small bag he is carrying before handing it over to the woman behind the counter. She thanks him and quickly begins to sort the items he has brought back from patrol. He’s wearing the thick coat you see on him whenever it drops below freezing, his dark boots leaving small pieces of wet mud on the floor of the small store. He’s been doing the creek trails then, most likely.

You’ve rarely been on patrol yourself, focusing your energy more on tasks inside the community. If it hadn’t been for Joel, you know you probably would have taken off in the first few days, maybe stolen some food and been on your way. But he’d gotten you to stay. With him, for a few days. Then they had found space for you in a small guesthouse close to the mainstreet, to be shared with a young woman not unlike yourself that had offered up her vacant bedroom.

You’d taken an instant liking to Lane. Joel had dropped you off at your new home, with the few things you owned, and you and her had both stood in the small kitchen in awkward silence, racking your brains for a good conversation starter. Of course, you’d come up with the one she probably heard every other day.

“I like your hair.”

It wasn’t a lie. Her hair was cut short but thick, and most importantly, it was blue. You couldn’t remember the last time you’d seen colored hair. It seemed to fit her though. The roots were brown and the overall color a little less vibrant than you’d seen in magazines of people before the outbreak. If anything, you liked this more.

“Thanks,” she said lamely, twisting her hand around the small cup she was holding. “Fuck, I’m sorry, I’m the worst at social shit,” she finally blurted out and it looked like she was half glad to admit it and half afraid of your reaction.

“Don’t worry. Me too,” you admitted, a grin spreading over both your faces, the silence seeming a lot more bearable now. She shrugged towards the counter, half a dozen muffins sitting on it. “You like blueberries? A friend let me nick these.”

She paused for a moment, brushing a strand of blue hair behind her ear. “I mean, technically they’re not real blueberries, the ground here is too dry for those. I think they’re called juneberries, but we never call them that.”

You figured she’d be a solid roommate if she’d just met you and was already sharing her sweets. Half an hour later, when you had vomited the blueberry muffins back up in your shared bathroom, Joel’s warning about solid food still ringing in your ears, when she was standing beside you, holding your hair back and handing you a washcloth when you were finished, you knew she’d be more than a roommate. She’d be your friend.

She had also been the one to get you into teaching. You’d been fascinated when she first told you about her job in town, teaching the children of Jackson practically every subject she could. Neither of you had been in school before the outbreak so it was all the more impressive, the way she managed to control a class without the need to get loud or hand out punishments.

You’d taken a liking to the classrooms of Jackson as well, reminiscing on the last summer before the world had gone to shit and the way you’d looked forward to being in school, learning all the things big girls did. Not getting to sit in a classroom, and you didn’t count those at FEDRA as actual classrooms, had been only one of so many things you felt you had missed out on.

So it felt even more special now when, after you got Maria to assign you as teacher alongside Lane, you spent your days in the colorfully decorated classrooms, teaching a variety of subjects and a variety of ages. It was similar to life in Jackson, not without its fair amount of challenges. But, just as Joel had promised the first night, you learned to trust and the more you did, the easier it was to let yourself be. Above all, to let yourself be happy.

Joel steps outside alongside you, his head jerking back towards the small supply store. “Did ya get everything?”

His voice is soft, and you like to imagine that he sounds a little more gentle when speaking to you compared to the others. Not that you see him talking to a lot of people either way. You're pretty sure it's why he prefers the patrols, less people to bother him and less voices to listen to. Even though you had a feeling, about a year after you arrived in Jackson, that he also preferred being paired up with Esther, a pretty woman who took care of the horses and frequented the patrols. Especially those with Joel.

You had almost hoped for them to end up together, to drive the images of Joel alone at his too large dining table out of your head. But they didn't and the images stayed. You had him over for dinner, every other month. It started as a thank-you for helping you through your first days and quickly developed into a rare but regular thing. Ellie or Lane joined you occasionally, happy to get a nice home-cooked dinner and some of the wine Joel usually brought along.

You didn't see too much of him outside of your little gatherings, only the normal occasions that presented themself around town. But it was nice to know that he was there, that he would bring his wine and compliment your cooking and make small-talk and listen to the new developments of your life.

“It makes sense for you to be a teacher,” he’d agreed after you’d updated him on your new position, causing you to raise a brow. 

“What is that supposed to mean? Think I can’t handle myself out on the group patrols?”

His face slowly changed at that, Joel urgently shaking his head, “I didn't mean-”

You cut him off with a small laugh, no longer able to stay serious at how panicked he looked. “I’m messing with you, old man. I know what you meant. I think it makes sense too. I like it.”

His shoulders relaxed slightly as he leaned back against the kitchen counter, grumbling a little under his breath.

It's Joel's voice that brings you back to the present. “I asked if you got everything?”

You shake your head to get rid of the thoughts, then it turns to shaking your head no. “They’re out of conditioner. But it’s fine, I can stretch mine a bit longer and maybe they’ll get some next week.”

“Ya still using the same one?” Joel asks, shoving his hands into the pockets of his coat and you nod. It's sweet that he remembers. It's been over two years, after all.

“Yeah. Liked it, never saw a reason to switch,” you explain lamely. He only gives a short nod, motioning for you to follow as he starts walking. 

You do, though perplexed. “School’s in the other direction.” “Thought your class didn’t start until ten today,” he points out. It never appears to you to ask how or why he knows this. When your steps slow down and your thoughts speed up simultaneously, he nudges you along.

“You want your soap or not?” he grumbles and your face lights up a little at that. 

“You got some?” 

Joel gives another quick nod. “Brought them back a few weeks ago. I would’ve given them to you if I knew ya still used them.”

You trot beside him like a puppy, making your way down Rancher Street and up the flight of stairs that leads to the small house clad in white. The noise of the wind chimes tied to a beam above his front porch drifts over to you, the gentle breeze creating a slow melody.

You haven’t been in his upstairs bathroom for years. It’s odd and it feels too intimate, seeing the place where he brushes his teeth in the morning, where he washes himself after a long day. You don't belong in a space this personal. You don't belong to him.

It felt different when you were curled up on the same white tiles, letting him check your bruised and battered body for signs of Infection. For a split moment, it did feel like you belonged, in a way.

Joel's hand brushes over yours as he hands you the soap, the one smelling of jasmine and cotton and safety. 

The rest of the day is a blur of lessons and grading, but the smell of the soap seems to linger, the comforting feeling in your stomach getting you through the work day. It doesn’t end until seven with you staying behind to tutor some kids for an upcoming exam and then to finish preparing said exam. The smell of food fills the air as you open your front door and you smile as you poke your head into the kitchen, “Smells good.”

Lane is seated at the table, a few papers in front of her. Likely an exam of her own, you think to yourself. Even after the world has ended, finals season still exists.

“My mum made that pasta you like so much today. Figured I'd save you some,” she says, nodding towards the tupperware sitting on the counter.

“You're an angel.” You whistle as you head deeper into the house, putting away your jacket and bag, fishing the soap out of the latter and placing it on the bathroom shelf. It makes you pause for a moment. You give a nod to yourself at the sight of the refilled container and make a silent vow to treat yourself to a nice bath today.

An hour later, your stomach is filled with warm pasta, the bathroom damp with steam and your hair soft, smelling just the way you like it. The clock in the small hallway reminds you that it's already past twelve and the knowledge that tomorrow is another day filled with teaching makes you want to crawl into bed fairly quickly. But you're thirsty.

Lane is still in the kitchen, her blue hair a little messy and crowned with a pair of headphones. The music spills out a bit, enough for you to be able to hear the low, steady humming of a song that seems mildly familiar.

You do remember a few songs from before the Outbreak- mainly the ones they played on the radio. But you know that Lane doesn’t, being a few years younger than you, meaning that she barely has any memories of the before.

You're already in your pajamas, shuffling to the sink to pour yourself a glass of water. Somehow it always tastes better at night. Or maybe your brain is playing tricks on you.

“Hey, you remember Joel is coming over for dinner on Sunday, right?” you ask with your back to your friend. When no response comes, you gulp down the last bit of water and turn around, giving a small wave in the air between you. 

Lane sits up a little more, pushing one side of her headphones back just enough to free her ear. “Hm?”

“Dinner with Joel, Sunday,” you repeat, a yawn escaping you. 

After a moment, she nods. “Right, I remember. We’re out of blueberries again, by the way.”

“I’ll make sure to restock this weekend then,” you agree, already halfway across the room. You give another small wave and finally head to bed. It looks exactly the same way you left it this morning, the blanket tucked into one side, the pillows arranged against the headboard.

“It's so good to be home,” you mutter to yourself as you crawl under the covers, stretching your body a little. Your left hand reaches for your nightstand and finds the book you've been reading, hoping to get just a tiny bit further tonight. With all the work and the winter festival coming up, you’ve barely made progress, the wooden bookmark still sitting near the front. You put it aside, glancing down at the finely carved piece of woodwork for a moment. Joel gave it to you for your first birthday in Jackson. Then you open the book properly, the worn-out spine cracking slightly. Just a couple of minutes.

But your eyes start to droop after just a few pages. After half a chapter, you're in a deep slumber, the book slipping out of your hands and onto the wooden floor below just as the front door slips shut.

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[megumimania]

SKIN TIGHT - geto suguru

summary: you agreed to a casual relationship with the uni fboy suguru but what happens when he starts to fall in love with you?

warnings: fwb, geto suguru x fem reader, geto x black! reader, suguru gives me such philosophy major and sociology minor vibes, fboy !suguru is a softie at heart

suguru geto is a name that both the male and female student body at your university are painfully familiar with. infamous for his short stints of relationships that often leaves the other party in distress, you successfully managed to avoid him for the first two semesters of university. that was until the day he joined your sociology class.

you remember it as if it was yesterday. that pretty smile he gave you whilst you moved your bag to let him sit next to you. the way he kept trying to talk to you even though you ignored him at every opportunity. you didn’t know why he was so persistent but eventually you caved in and gave him a chance. you figured that there had to be a reason to why so many people were obsessed with him.

well one thing led to another and now you’re half naked in his dorm room as suguru lights a cigarette, watching you fumble with the button of your jeans as you prepare to head to your afternoon class. usually you’d engage in light banter with him but these past few hookups he’s been more curious about your personal life. with him asking questions about your degree, your friends and your hobbies etc. you answered them because they were harmless surface level questions. plus it doesn’t hurt to know more about the person you’re hooking up with, right?

you pull on your sweater, feeling his eyes wonder over your body as if he’s committing it to memory before looking up at you. “do you have any plans after class tomorrow?” he asks as he rests his arm on his headboard revealing his torso that is littered with kisses and love bites. he looks at you with a neutral expression that makes it seems like he’s purely making small talk. “not much.” you reply putting your other shoe on. “why?”

“jus’ curious.” he takes another drag of his cigarette before exhaling the smoke. “let me take you out.” he asks after a moment of silence, making you still for a minute before letting out a laugh. “can’t get enough of me huh?” you wiggle your eyebrows just to tease him not missing the slight flush on the tips of his ears. “not really when you were begging for me to—” you didn’t hear the rest of suguru’s sentence as it was muffled by your hands covering his mouth.

you tenatively remove your hand from his mouth as he gives you a lazy grin. “im gonna be late for class.” you walked out of his dorm, sparing no time to hear his response. his sudden invitation to hang out worried you even more. you liked the pace you were both going at and you didn’t think there’d been any issues since you both agreed to be open and honest with each other.

class went on and you could barely focus, you were more busy trying to decipher and decode his simple invitation to hang out and the reasons behind it. the thought followed you from your class to the sanctuary of your dorm room. you eventually gave up with trying to study, collapsing on your bed as you decided that you’d get the answers out of him soon.

—

as promised, suguru met you outside of your lecture hall. his signature raven locks was pulled neatly into a bun with some strands being pulled out to frame his face. he was dressed in usual all black attire, hands stuffed in his pockets as his eyes scanned the crowd for you. he spotted you talking to a guy, that he recognised to be ino—one of the keen pledges at the frat satoru was apart of. suguru didn’t like the way ino was making you laugh and giggle which was weird since he was supposed to have zero attachments to you at all.

hearing ino crack another one of his tired jokes was enough for suguru to finally step in. “ready to go babe?” he asked taking your hand in his. aside from how natural the pet name sounded coming out of his mouth, you were also stunned at the sudden contact but decided to go along with it anyway. “sure.” you replied as coolly as possible, trying to ignore the glares you got from other students who were probably former flings of suguru.

you pulled him aside swatting his arm. “what was that for!” he rubbed his now sore arm with a pout on his lips. “i was trying to save you from his terrible jokes!” you looked at him with a sense of disbelief. “saving me by trying to play as my boyfriend?” you whisper shouted at him, not wanting to cause commotion. however it seemed that your words fell flat as suguru was lost in a trance, as his eyes hyper-fixated on your plump glossy lips.

you snapped a finger in his face trying to get his attention, “god you’re unbelievable.” you walked off, ignoring the way your heart pounded against your chest. he grabbed your arm and pulled you closer to him rocking you side to side. “you know you don’t mean that, baby.” he purred softly against your ear, sending shivers down your spine. suguru was fine in small doses but having to experience all of him at once was intoxicating, you found that the mild anger you had towards him was slowly evaporating.

“‘m sorry, i couldn’t watch him crack his stupid jokes and making you laugh like that.” he said with an apologetic tone. the new level of vulnerability causing suguru’s usual hawk like eye contact to falter—looking at everything but you. “like i know we said that this was just gonna be casual and shit but like im fucking crazy about you and it’s driving me insane.” he rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly, his eyes finally meeting yours.

he bent down a little so he’d be at eye level with you. you grabbed his face gently, assessing his features. whilst his words were flattering at the end of the day, the rational part of you was unsure whether to trust them knowing his reputation. “how do i know you’re being genuine?” you asked quietly, trying to remain level headed despite the whirlwind of emotions that were brewing inside of you.

suguru understood where you were coming from. it’s hard to take his word seriously when he’s not a serious person at all romantically but he would do anything to prove the opposite, just so it would quell your doubts and anxieties that were swimming through your head. “if you let me i can show you.” he muttered softly leaning in to press his lips against yours, the cool metal from his lip ring making you shudder.

this kiss was different from all the others you had with suguru, it didn’t stem purely from lust or need, it was something much more gentler, softer and pure. you could argue that this kiss came from a place of love—even if you two were unable to see it at this stage. you pulled away, staring into his glassy onyx eyes that twinkled with something akin to joy.

if sophomore year suguru could see him right now he’d probably go into cardiac arrest. since everyone, including himself, thought he’d never settle down at all. but of course you came along and eventually proved him wrong.

[foreingersgod]

Can you write about CC inspired by the song Nobody Gets Me by Sza

Like how your the only one she opens up to and completely trusts

Nobody gets me . CC

pairing: caitlin clark x reader

synopsis: nobody gets me by sza

A/N: avoided the angsty part of this song cause i feel like i’ve been in too much of an angsty mood LMAO! enjoy loves !

for a while, you and caitlin had an on and off relationship. sometimes you only got together just to hook up, at some point you tried being official for while, but nothing had ever really stuck and you just continued on with your normal back and forth routine. it worked well for the both of you, too busy with school and basketball that you didn’t want to pester each other with means of labeling your relationship. but you found comfort within each other and practically spent every waking moment with one another. to be completely transparent, you’d always had really intense feelings for her, but you didn’t want to ruin such a beautiful thing you had had with her already.

graduation was approaching swiftly, and you found that the two of you were hanging out much less often. cait was dealing with the championship and procrastinating saying her goodbyes to her team. and you were finishing up your studies and internships. when she did come over, though, she was extremely exhausted and distant.

you had sensed that something was bothering her, but you didn’t want to push it. knowing caitlin, she got stressed and overwhelmed about a lot of things and she hardly ever talked about it. when she did speak about what was on her mind she had to do it on her own terms.

on one particular wednesday night, however, she had shown up at your door in tears. a rare scene to behold. you’d never seen her cry unless it was after a huge loss for iow, but even then, it wasn’t like this. she was hiccuping from the sobs, with her face red from running her hands down her face.

“caitlin…hey what’s going on?” she said nothing as you immediately ushered her into your apartment. you got her situated on your couch, telling you’d be just a second and you were going to grab her some tissues and water.

“no!” she cried, grabbing your wrist as you attempted to leave “don’t leave me please”

you sat down next to her, extremely worried. “i won’t, im right here, are you sure you don’t want anything?”

she shook her head violently and collapsed into you. her face hidden somewhere between your neck and shoulder, trying to suppress her sobs. her whole body shook as she continued crying, you rubbed her back and smoothed her hair, trying to calm her down.

“cait, you’re making me nervous, what’s going on?” you urged again.

“i’m so scared, YN” you grabbed her shoulders and forced her to look at you.

“of what?”

“of this” you looked at her extremely confused. “of graduating, of moving on, of saying goodbye to the team…”

“cait those are very normal things to be upset about, you shouldn’t have to be scared to continue on this amazing path you’re-” wiping away some of her tears with your thumb, you tired to comfort her before she cut you off abruptly.

“but i’m scared of losing you” her eyes squeezed shut in frustration, so overwhelmed by with these feelings coming out all at once.

“me? what are you talking about?”

“i just-” she tried to steady her breathe “i’ve realized that i haven’t taken this thing we’ve had seriously enough. i-i’ve been thinking about what’s going to happen when we go our separate ways…and i don’t want that YN, i don’t think i can be without you.”

“hey,” you grabbed her hand “i’ll always be here, we’ll still call and text and when you’re in town we can grab lunch! i’m not just gonna stop being your friend, silly!”

“but i don’t want to be your friend!”

you were struck with shock at her statement, completely unaware of where this was all coming from.

“the closer we get to separating from each other, the more i’ve become of aware of how much i’m fucking in love with you”

her eyes were studying your facial features, trying to pull a reaction from you, but you stood completely starstruck.

“nobody gets me like you do,” her voice cracking, close to crying again. “i don’t think i can be away from you. im scared it’s too late and i don’t want to lose what’s left of you..of what we have. and, i’ll be honest, i don’t want to see you with anyone else but me. nobody gets me like you do, im serious. i only like myself when i’m with you”

you felt yourself about to cry too, you had no idea she felt this way.

“you’re the only one i can actually be myself with. and you’re the only person i want to be around every second of the day. and i know it sounds crazy, and i don’t expect you to put everything on hold just because i’m sitting here crying and dropping this huge love bomb on you but i-”

you cut her off, throwing your arms around her shoulders, and pulling her into a gentle kiss. you could feel your tears mix together as you desperately pulled her in closer. after wanting her all to yourself, your feeling were finally reciprocated and it felt like you were on cloud 9.

“i love you, caitlin” you pulled away, smiling “i’m not going to leave you”

“thank you,” she said with her tears finally dried “for loving me, for trusting me, and for staying. i don’t think i could make it without you”

she stayed the night at your place that night. she told you about all the stuff she had kept hidden away when she started becoming distant; she told you about the stress of classes and the team and the draft. everything. she felt like she could stay up all night with you and completely e open up to you because nobody gets her like you do.

[cardboardclownery]

CRASHES THROUGH A BRICK WALL

HI HI IM ALIVE!!!! sorry for the relative radio silence on here ;v;

on the topic of that actually!!!! finally have a proper folie a deux au update for you!! though its slightly different than expected?

me and professional buddy and fellow au creator @cookiecaker decided to share a summary of the story we're making for the au beforehand since we'll be taking a whileeee to finish it,,, got a lot of life to live and horrors to create "-v-

after this though you mayyyy or may notttt see some out of order chapter drafts posted for the story as well,,, or atleast one? eh youll see ;Pc

ANYWAYS!!!! this is gonna take a while so lets get on with...

THE FOLIE À DEUX DOAI AU

a summary!!

or story pitch? idk-

(cookie please lemme know if i miss or improperly describe anything here feel free to correct me-)

PART 1

the first three chapters follow alex just after the end of volume 1 as theyre abducted by lankmann and confined to his asylum as a "patient." eventually they get sent to winfrey as food, but winfrey refuses to eat them. theyre left to die in room 66 by lankmann for a Long While, until eventually he gives up and just puts alex back in their room

while alone in confinement, alex starts noticing strange things happening... dark patches start appearing on their skin, they get random pains as if someone were kicking them, and they hear a voice... a much clearer voice than the ones they used to hear while working in the asylum, and it seemed to be able to read their thoughts. though they originally just assumed it was due to being part of their thoughts as well, they find that they start knowing things they had no way of knowing and never learned prior to being confined. when lankmann typically entered room 66, how long hes inside, certain areas of the asylum patients found that theyd never heard of before...

this "voice" managed to help alex find a way to escape, leading to them running away and moving to another, smaller town in eastridge than the one they originally lived in to avoid lankmann's pursuit

PART 2

[ ! tw for cannibalism. yes you heard me- ! ]

so after getting far away from the asylum, alex assumes that their hallucinations and weird symptoms of... Something would wear off, since subject 02 was no where near close enough to affect them

well uh. nope! theyre still there!!

so eventually alex figures out "oh shit that thing is in my head somehow" and is obviously quite concerned!!! to say the least!!!! but theyre also oddly comforted by the idea of having The Voice in their head, since now theyre not entirely alone while on the run and i mean it helped them escape so it cant be that bad?? either way theyre not exactly excited about the whole ordeal and theyre starting to look different and theyre really hungry all the time and its not fun

so! at some point (with winfreys suggestion) alex decides to run off to another town a bit farther away just to be safe. but Uh Oh theyre all out of food!! so theyre extremely hungry, forcing themself through it so they can get food when they arrive but. they see someone in the woods while walking

and for some reason that makes them even hungrier

they try to ignore it and keep walking but they cant

and the next thing they know

theyre looking down at a person

chewing off the flesh on their leg

covered in blood

even after regaining their senses they cant stop themself from eating. it tasted... so good... they were so hungry... they felt awful but it really did taste so s o g o o d .

in a haze, they discard the body, clean themself off and reach the next town. just after unpacking in an apartment, they collapse, flooded with the emotions they fought off on the way there

the next day, alex finally confronts winfrey (or winfreys voice rather-) about all their grievances and they eventually reach an understanding, as winfrey opens up about fearing the outside of the asylum despite longing to escape through alex, so they eventually agree to let winfrey pilot their body for a few days to get a feel for how the world has changed since the time winfrey had been free

in doing so, winfrey realizes how small and helpless humans are in comparison to them and how terrified the patients they devoured mustve been. this allows them to appreciate human life (specifically alex's) much more and want to escaped in their own body to join alex outside and introduce clyde to what they learned after finding it again

while piloting alexs body, winfrey is suddenly forced back into their own after lankmann inflicts enough pain to wake them from the dissociative state that piloting alex left them in. soon after this, winfrey overcomes the fear that was originally keeping them from escaping the facility and breaks out

PART 3

this section is a lot less figured out than the rest so uhh bear with me please ;v;

essentially this couple of chapters just follows alex and winfrey as they get used to life on the run, figuring out where to go from there and how they could potentially find clyde, along with just talking face to face and getting used to that. its a weird feeling talking to someone that you share thoughts with yknow? like talking to yourself but its... not... yourself...

around the start of this section winfrey also expresses that they feel drawn to feminity as a human concept, thus being referred to with they/she from this point on in the story!! transfem winfrey yippee!!! it just makes sense in our head idk-

PART 4

alex and winfrey start noticing news broadcasts and posters asking around for a "dark figure" lurking around, as well as warnings about alex being missing from lankmanns asylum. this fuels alex's paranoia, leading them to seeing lankmanns caretakers everywhere, feeling as if theyre being watched wherever they go... until eventually their home is ambushed and theyre taken back into lankmanns custody

alex is essentially used as bait to get winfrey to come save them from the asylum, since lankmann couldnt find a solid lead on where winfrey could be. alex tries to convince her not to fall for it, since they can both tell this is what lankmanns trying to do, but winfrey eventually caves and breaks back in to help alex, getting trapped inside once again

PART 5

depsite the circumstances, winfrey and alex do their best to stay determined and keep looking for a way out, but they dont make much progress. to make matters worse, lankmann tries "live feeding" patients to alex in the same way he did with winfrey due to realizing that alex has veldigun traits and assuming that theyd have the same appetite as her. this isnt the case, and eventually lankmann switches to dead patients as food for alex, which theyre forced to accept due to lacking any other options

both winfrey and alex are miserable in the situation, the helplessness sinking in fairly quickly as alexs body begins rejecting the growing veldigun portions of itself, decaying under the immense stress

during their final moments, winfrey pilots alexs body to allow an atleast somewhat peaceful death as their consciousness fades away, leaving winfrey alone to reflect on all that had happened...

...and thats the official end of the story!! i had like,, a hypothetical epilogue/alternate ending where lankmann forces a Mind Merge with winfrey somehow and then gets killed and she breaks out again but like. idk the logistics of that are iffy and i kinda prefer the more melancholy end for something like this ":]c

ANYHOW!!!! hope that was!!! something!!!! please feel free to ask questions or provide feedback or anything else im always happy to engage with my fellow freaks (affectionate) :]

ALSO IF YOU MAKE CONTENT BASED ON THIS AU LET ME KNOW I WILL DIE FOREVER alright thats it for real this time- stay safe broskissss BP

[trash----panda]

Gt thing i dreamed about

The smaller inhabitants of this planet have no idea how long this massive creature has been here, they call it the Wanderer, most avoid it cause of how large it is. It travels all over the continent, searching for strange obelisks, the Mink are a delivery sysytem of information, they monitor it's activities and report back to the public.

It was Shawn's turn to watch it, and for once, it tripped on a tree root, the device it was carrying breaking, it spoke a strange language he couldnt make out. It just sounded angry. Not too far away from himself he spotted a shiny little orb looking piece, without thinking much of it, he snuck out to collect it. As he was looking it over he noticed the Wanderer had gone silent. He looked up to see it starring down at him, his blood ran cold as his brain started to list the ways this thing could kill him. He braced himself when the thing reached out, squeezing his eyes shut...

"😅😀" it just took the piece he had and walked away. He paused, standing there for a moment before his legs finally gave out under him, what just happened.... RIGHT he had to report this. He struggled to stand, eventually making it to the nearest station, quickly notifying everyone. The system honestly wasnt the greatest, more like spreading gossip than information, you always had to hear it from someone.

Since Shawn made the discovery he requested to continue following it. Hurrying to catch up when permission was granted. When he spotted it it had found another obelisk. Setting the device down and pressing something against it, making it hum for a second before changing from a black to a dull green. Shawn watched dumbfounded, they never knew what those did but it seemed to like them a lot. He flinched when the Wanderer stood up, they didnt look so good, come to think of it he hadnt seen them eating before. They started moving again, but this got him thinking maybe this is why it tripped earlier. His little tail flicked around a bit as he thought, Garol wasnt far, maybe he could get supplies, he'd have to be fast though.

It took him just under an hour to get there and back, slowed by the fact he was carrying extra supplies. He was worried he'd lost track of the Wanderer. Lucky for him they'd seemed to collapse at some point after he left, he wasnt sure it was even alive. Being cautious as he approached it's face.

The eyes. Those big green eyes focused on him again, making his heart jump a little.

It furrowed it's brows a little, probably confused since the Minks usually avoided them. Shawn glanced at it's mouth, unsure how he should do this. Using his hand to gently tap their lips, pretty sure he was about to lose a hand. Surprisingly it seemed to comply, just as nervous as him opening it's mouth. This, homestly made him excited, it could be communicated with, he threw off his backpack and cautiously threw a few loafs of bread in for it, watching anxiously. He didnt even notice the hand coming up behind him, screaming a little when touched, it made the other recoil a bit before attempting again. He was tense but quickly relaxed when it pet him, making a soft noise he figured was supposed to be a thanks. He knew this was more to report but that wasnt an issue he was worried about.

As soon as they had some strength they got up to wander again, seeming to ignore Shawn's protest. He was hesitant but ended up climbing their leg to try and get up to their shoulder. For the first time he was pretty sure he scared the Wanderer for a second, when it made the same noise he did earlier, it probably didnt like people climbing on it but it resisited swatting him off. He settled in on it's shoulder, leaning against it's neck.

"if you're gonna go im going too" he knew it didnt understand

But he wanted to voice his actions regardless. The giant stood there a moment, starring, before starting to walk. They were slower and more tense with the other on them, afraid of knocking him off. He started to notice where they were going, he knew there was another obelisk this way but... there were also wolves, could this thing really beat those. He absent mindedly looked them over, trying to determine their fighting skills, not noticing till they shivered his tail was tickling their neck. He grabbed it and pulled it close. Apologizing.

Contrary to what others reported it did stop at night, sitting down by a tree with a soft sigh. Shawn carfully climbed down, telling it where he was going even if it didnt understand and running off to report. These newer reports had caught other's attention, the talk of near by towns being if they should approach it. The Baron still claimed they are not allowed to but that didnt stop rumors from spreading.

Shawn came back with a little extra bread, figuring he could feed it again. But it wasnt there. That's when his heart sank a little, it smelled like dog over here. He hurried over to the tree, grimacing when he saw the blood smearer against the bark. The grads near by tainted as well. He wanted to call out but... if those things found him. He heard a twig snap, something big approaching. It was that same feeling creeping up again, his legs wouldnt move, he could only watch as the Wanderer came out. Covered in cuts and bruises, dragging a carcass behind it. It didnt acknowledge him, he wasnt sure it could even see him in the darkness. It just tossed the wolf aside and started to prepare a camp fire. So thay's what it ate? Wolves? He didnt know what to think, his heart still racing as he watched it prepare. It lit the fire, turning around to collect the meat, finally spotting him. This time he knew for sure he scared it, it fell back with a yelp, he'd never seen something so big so scared of him. That was enought to break the tension, he laughed, his body relaxing a little as those same hands that once terrified him quickly started checking him for wounds. Like they werent the ones soaked in blood. He pushed them away gently, trying to reassure it, it took awhile but it finally backed off to cook. Glancing nervously at him every few minutes.

So it didnt have night vision and it worried about someone as small as Shawn. He started to think about it, noticing it checked him for wounds, but he didnt fight. It dawned on him, it couldnt see so it thought it hurt him. His tail wagged a little bit, watching this strange creature. This thing really was interesting.

It used the fur to repair it's clothes, carving bone into tools, preparing the meat to last over a travel, and burrying what it didnt use. That's why they never found what it ate, they burried it. He watched it scratch at a scab formed on it's neck, it probably didnt have any medicine, he was debating if he had the money to get enough to help something so big. He flinched a little when it approached him, offering it's hand so he didnt need to climb. He blushed a little before climbing on, being brought up to it's shoulder as carfully as it could. It walked with more confidence this time, probably helped it got actual food. He was a little more confident they were safe on this route after last night. His only real concern being what it will do when it encounters a lake in the way. This would be interesting.

It travelled till sunset, having to sit down again, offering him some of the meat which he happily ate, it was rare he got anything like wolf, not to mention travelled so far so fast. His train of thought was broken by a light coming from it's device. It was checking something, he assumed all the symbols were language. They pressed on the screen, pausing the string of information to reread it. He glanced at them, noticing how... Well it was an uneasy look. He tried to reach up and tap their cheek, falling off when his foot slipped. He didnt fall as far as he thought he would, the ground below him... Oh it was the hand. Their hair was puffed up a bit, he didnt mean to keep scaring them. They put him on the ground so he couldnt fall, their cheeks an off red color. He didnt know this thing could blush! He jumped to try and tap it's knee, wanting it's attention. The Wanderer finally looked at him, still looking kinda anxious. How was he gonna do this. He tried to gesture to the device and then at them, communication was a lot harder than he thought. They starred for a moment, trying to put two and two together. Something clicked for them, adjusting how they were sitting so they could draw in the dirt

(🟩🟩🟩)

🙋------->🏠

(🟩🟩🟩)

It hesitated, trying it's best. Circling him.

(🟩🟩🟩)

0-------> 💥💥💥💥🔥🔥

(🟩🟩🟩)

It starred, waiting for him to get it. He walked around it a bit, perplexed by what it could mean, pointing to 🏠 "what"

(🟩🟩🟩)

🙋-------> 👨‍👨‍👦‍👦

(🟩🟩🟩)

He starred a little more, starting to understand. His heart sinking a little as he starred at the second one.

"so.... we die? If you go home?" It seemed to understand that, glancing away. He wasnt sure what to make of it, sitting down next to it so it knew he wasnt mad. He could feel it starring though, obviously worried it upset him. He sat there for a moment before sighing, catching it's attention as he got up. Going over to the drawings.

0 ----> 👨‍👨‍👦‍👦

He sat down in the circle, huffing a little. It just starred at him, it was unnerving. As if it didnt know what to think. He didnt know how it would react, pretty sure it'd be pissed. Watching as it laid down on it's belly so it was at eye level. The noise it made, could only be described as a whimper, catching him completely off guard, their hand gently carressing his side. He pat it to try and reassure them, noticing that they were crying now he hurried to climb the arm they were resting their head behind. Struggling to get up as he spouted apologies. He managed to grab onto their nose, trying his best to hug them, he wasnt big enough to make them feel better damn it. All he could do was keep apologizing. They adjusted a little, gently cupping him against their cheek, the skin felt warm and kinda sticky, probably from the crying but he didnt mind, just wanting to help the big lug calm down. He gently stroked their cheek till their grip loosened and the noises slowly go quieter. He wriggled free, noticing they'd fallen asleep crying. It was just like a big kid, probably was a kid. He hesitated....he didnt have to report this... He nestled in against their face. He was just gonna stay here, so when they wake up, they wont have to be alone this time. They probably needed it.

"goodnight... wanderer" he mumbled as he dozed off as well.

[rispwr]

Heaven and back | JK | one shot

Pairings: fem!reader x jungkook

Contents: alchohol, mentions of r@pe, smut, slight fingering,drugs, greenflag jungkook

Summary: you were on a late night clubbing with your friends jimin, namjoon, hoseok, mina, nayeon. Your bestfriend of 6 years, who is jimin puts a drug in your drink, basically drugging you. Jungkook the guy whom you meet helps you.

_________________________________________

“What’s up y/n? You okay?” Said namjoon, my friend worried about me as my vision starts to get slowly blurry. I took another sip of my drink thinking it would help more.

It’s so hot.

I can’t hear anything.

My vision starts fogging up, but clear enough to see jimin from across the table looking at me, smirking at me in pure lust. I started breathing heavily as i try to catch my breath, i felt so hot. I could feel my body slowly shutting down second by second.

“Im just gonna go to the bathroom” i said in a low and tired voice as i struggle to get up “need some help y/n?” Mina, nayeon, and namjoon offers me help as the others apart from jimin were already knocked down on the couch. “I-im fine.” I answered as i tried my best to smile. I knew jimin had something to do with this. He’s been looking at me weirdly.

I walked my way towards to the toilet as my legs tremble. I felt like everything was shaking and spinning. And before i could even go to the toilet, i fell.

I collapsed as i felt someone catching me from behind holding my head up making sure my head didn’t hit the floor. Jimin stood there from afar, watching me collapse as the man catches me with his dark and annoyed gaze, biting the inside of his cheek.

“Miss? Miss???” “Are you okay??” Said the man to my unconscious body. He then carried me in a bridal style carrying me to his mercedes benz. “Miss.” He then gently places me on the passenger seat of his mercedes benz, making my dress show slight of my cleveage.

My vision was going back. I raised my head looking around at the unfamiliar interior of the car. I turn to the man as my eyes widen in shock “w-who are you??!???” I said scared.

“Miss. Someone drugged you and you collapsed on your way to the restroom.” He then coldly respond. “I don’t believe you. Did you take advantage of me???” I said as i was in a shock. “Miss, if i didn’t get you out of that club that man would’ve raped you already.” He coldly answered again as he stirs the wheel, driving. “Sober up yourself. I know the man put something in your drink, i saw him.” I turn to him in curiousity “w-who was it?..” i asked fidgeting with my fingers. “I have no idea who that guy is but he has greyish blond hair and i think i saw him on your table earlier.” “You should be carefull of who you put yourself around with.” He answers me.

Jimin? I can’t believe this. This has to be some sort of a joke.

“Stop the car. Im going home” i said

“No miss. You think i’ll let a fragile woman wearing that dress walk alone in the street in that vulnerable state??” He responds. “I- I don’t even know you..are you kidnapping me??” I said as tears starts forming my eyes, scared and confused. Mixed emotions took over me. “Clearly miss You’re not a kid. And i am not the type of man like that” he says coldly “i-it’s so hot..” i said as i start slipping the strap of my dress down as he took his right hand from the steering wheel to stop me from taking off my clothes. “Miss..you’re drunk and drugged. Please.” He pleaded me not to take my clothes off as i did anyway, he sighed avoiding looking at my half naked sweating body. I then fell asleep again. “I’ll take you to my house and i’ll take you home tomorrow.” He says before i fell asleep again.

“We’re here.” He then taps me on my shoulder as he took off his jacket to cover my half naked body trying to wake me up. “Wake up miss, we’re here.” He said once again but no response.

He sighed. He then proceeded to carry me to the elevator in a bridal style bringing me to his apartment.

We arrived at the apartment with me still asleep, in his arms as he gently places me on his bed.

“Please..” i whined as i pulled him closer onto me. “Miss, you’re drunk and drugged. Just go to sleep” he responds trying to get off of me but i held him onto me tighter “i am not. Im sober. Can’t you see??” I whined giving a smile thinking it would convince him “miss-“ before he could say anything i shushed him as i put my finger on his lip “i have a name and it’s y/n. Don’t miss miss me. Got it?” I said raising my eyebrows at him as i poked his nose gently while laughing. We then remained eye contact “okay…..” “y/n…” he said. Things between us started to tense. I leaned in to kiss him as I passionately suck on his lip as i then enter my tounge inside of his mouth.”y/n.. this is wrong” he says in between the kiss “I don’t wanna take advantage of you..” he said pulling me away as i licked my lips. “I’m completely sober please” i said in a whiny voice as i wrapped my arms around his neck. “No you’re not.” “Yes i am!”

“Prove it to me.” He said, his voice going going slightly deeper, darker and huskier.

I then smash my lips onto him once again this time more roughly. “Are you sure you won’t regret this tomorrow morning?” He asks me making sure he has my consent before we do anything. “Yes i will not.” “But wait what’s your name?” I asked him “jungkook” he answers as his hands slowly caressed my thighs slowly making his way up “ you’re so…wet?” He says with a grin. He then starts circlinv my clit making me arch my back. “Mhmm” i moaned. “Say my name baby” he hissed as he started kissing my neck “mhmm, jungkook” i whimpered as he continued to circle my clit.

“I-im gonna cum” i moaned. He then stops rubbing me and unzips his pants “oh how good it would be to fuck your mouth right now baby” he said “why not now?” I said as i look him in the eye hungrily “maybe another time.” He pulled down his pants as he teases my entrance with his cock. “You’re such a tease aren’t you? Huh?” I said annoyed “impatient” he chuckles as he enters into me slowly, giving me time to adjust. He then starts thrusting into me, in and out. Each thrusts becoming harder, aggressive, and deeper. “Fuck you’re so good” he praises me. “F-fuck im- im- im gonna cum jungkook” i moaned as i felt i was coming closer “fuck baby. Cum for me got it?” He said “m-mhm…” i whimpered. He then starts squeezing my boobs as he thrusts into me “fuck jungkook! Cum in me!” I moaned as i was so lost in the pleasure. “Want me to fill you up huh?” “You dirty girl” “i’ll mark you mine.” “You’re mine only” words came out of his mouth every thrust he makes. I finally let out my cum as i felt his warm release into me “fuck.” He cusses. “Jungkook..” i whined “yes?” He answers “c-can you clean me up? Im sorry..” i said “no don’t say sorry. Are you feeling okay?” He asks me making sure i was feeling alright.

[delphientropy]

please read our DNI before interacting. thank you!

actually, i honestly wanted to talk about our innerworld and system functions in general for a while. so im gonna talk about my system experiences for once i guess

for as long as we realized we were a system (which must have been around a year or less now) we always doubted ourself because our system was just... weird. thats why i never talked about it. i was very afraid of being fakeclaimed.

we do split from stress and trauma, and some of us do have jobs, but oddly, so many of us dont have any jobs at all. it seems like i, the host, do almost everything and am the sole provider of the system, and if i went dormant, everything would probably just collapse.

our innerworld is SO fucking weird. we have no idea whwere our dormant alters go- or most alters, really, because not that many alters have any access or memory of any innerworld. the sections in the innerworld are categorized by source (oddly, source plays a huge part in our system functioning for whatever reason), and even then its all so fuzzy and messy and off.

it all looks like the incomplete worldbuilding of a kid. loopholes, unanswered questions, random splits and no roles, nothing is organized and everything is chaos- bad memory, basically only one alter is doing everything ever and hes fucking stressing out (and nothing we can do about it because he cant voluntarily leave), random islands in fucking space— what about the oxygen? it really just screams made up fantasy world some child made. like our entire system is run by some small imaginative kid whos obsession for fiction and fantasy and chaos and yet also control while being disorganized.

ive been told many times that our coping mechanism is to avoid. forget. distract. comfort. thats why we have a MILLION fictives. its like a machine in the back of our mind, always humming, always making more fragments that act like characters we know and find comfort in. nah they dont have a role theyre just. there. it doesn't make sense. theres no gatekeepers, rarely protectors, just fictives. fictives with no roles just fictives and fictives and more fictives. one day itll work. every problem will go away if we just make more fictives, the machine whispers. if we just have more comfort, all of it.

i guess it all ties into our kind of trauma and our other disorders which cause chaos and disarray. everything is unexplained. the random pain. dormancy. the entire innerworld itself. its seems complex and structured on the outside, and it sure is creative, but theres no structure. its a kid throwing multiple concepts together to make a really dumb world and a dumb story with it.

if i could make it organized and make it function, i would, but i can barely see it. i cant make up shit and suddenly our brain functions normally. i cant pretend like our innerworld doesnt have patches and holes and never answered questions. i cant trust anything and suddenly it all works. thats why i dont like a lot of the advice im given. "just trust that your alters wont fuck it up and youll switch more!" i do trust them. there are some i trust with my entire being. but i just cant switch. it wont let me leave. im that inner childs favorite character, favorite doll, that needs to be out of the toybox at all times.

im so scared to try and get diagnosed or just any kind of help. because im sure i sound absolutely bonkers when you read all of this. but its a frustratingly bad functioning system. and currently, the only option i have is to just stay in front and do everything. i initially thought i had PDID for this reason, actually. im like the ""main alter"" but i certainly dont have any control over our world. i dont know what to do. and with how therapists keep abandoning me, i wish i could just heal and figure it out by myself. but i cant.

[the-marxist-mash]

My "I think the fallout show is bad" post spoilers included

I watched the fallout show with low hopes and mostly for the purpose of annoying my friend whom I love and I'll be honest it was bad 👎

Gonna split this into 1: issues with writing 2: lore bs that i hated cuz im a new vegas girl 3: things i will begrudgingly admit that i liked

1: bad writing

For me the show confirmed for me that it was not going to be writen for me and my tastes was in the second episode when the enclave scientist gives the vault dweller an ominous speech about how the world is too dangerous to set a fire to camp on the road side at night whichbis something very inlone with the Bethesda style of writing the falloit universe. This show really has no interest in talking about how humanity overcomes the suffering of the post apocalypse it is focused on the power fantasy of being the strongest and most competent person who is capable of navigating a wasteland overflowing with mutants raiders and robots, community doesn't save you from the wasteland only big guns and strong walls (and even then the walls dont help as much as the guns)

Then of course there is the shows general failure in world building. For a show that is allegedly not for the long time fans of the series and instead for casual fans or new comers to the franchise just looking for a new scifi series it has a lot of things brought into the show and left entirely unexplained. The enclave a major faction of the series with a lot going on gets a montage of life in their base where we learn they have scientists doing research, use an offbrand american flag, and seem to be somewhat vaguely nefarious. Then there's moldaver a prewar human leading a cult in the post post apocalypse and the only surviver of the great war in the show who is not given a clear explination for living this long. And speaking of the post post apocalypse the new california republic being introduced as already having collapsed as a result of a second nuclear attack on California which while this does get explained is a wildly unnecessary amount of information to give in the first season of a show thats allegedly for new fans.

2 lore shit i hated

So as a new vegas girly i can only describe this show as feeling like if todd howard broke your toys infront of you so nobody could play with them anymore. From the addition of vault tech nuking the ncr in a wild attempt to have the exact same plan as the enclave in both fallout 2 and 3 but with much worse execution to ghouls now having a specific anti feral drug the lore changes are bad. And plenty of people have already pointed out the way the new timeline does not just make it so the ncr is destroyed but it is destroyed before the plot of new vegas is set with fall of shady sands occurring the same year as the 1st battle of the hoover dam which just feels like this was included for the express purpose of decannonizing new vegas because it honestly only makes the story more confusing and harder for new fans to navigate by looking up information about the existing games. Then there is the way in which the enclave is seemingly retconned out of being the shadow government (where it held effective control over vault tech as a way to experiment with human subjects for various reasons) and instead vault tech goes on to start the great war for effectively the same reason the eclave had for trying to exterminate everyone living in the wasteland. And i think the worst part is that most of these issues could have been avoided if the story was just set in a different time (between 1 and 2 or even before 1) or location (literally anywhere a major faction has not already been established existing in cannon) and the story would have benefited so much from that

3: okay i liked some of it

The prewar flashbacks did actually have good bits

The writers didn't go full liberty prime and understood the anticommunism in the series was satire

They made the brotherhood look like a facist techno cult and i had fun with the explicit religious ritual stuff going on in their base

The snake oil salesman who can heal you but also might mutate you was fun and feels very much like classic fallout

The axolotl abomination that i thought had sloghtly too human hands turning out to be a vault experiment was fun for me

4 secret section where i complain more

Yeah i know its already green lit for like 2 more seasons and has way more time to explain shit i dont care i dont think they are either capanle or interested in making this any better

Anyway the show was bad thanks for reading my rambling complaints or sorry for inflicting this on you if you actually liked it? But i put a cut on this one so thats on you. Im gonna go write my own fallout stoeies for ttrpg campaigns with my friends now since todd wont give me a story i like

[witchersmistress]

The Basement part 2

Hello my lovies!! Part 2 of the basement scene, this is part three for rainstorms and hate sex, im know there will be a few unanswered questions.

as per my usual. i do not give permission to copy my work or use my work in anyway without permission. so help me if you do, i will haunt you for the rest of your days.

Trigger Warnings: Clausterphobia, small spaces, foul language, 18+ highly reccomended.

Word count: 6.4K

 Fuck. My phone’s battery is about one percent. Still, it’s better than the alternative. I tense as I step past Baron, sure he’s going to grab me. He lets me pass, but Duke reaches out and pinches my tit. Okay, talking shit is one thing, and his rape jokes are bad enough, but now he laid a hand on me. “Oh, you want to get physical?” I ask, my hands balling into fists. “Yeah,” he says with a sloppy grin. “That’s right, baby. Let me taste that sweet cherry pie.” I swing, and he doesn’t even duck. It’s a beautiful right hook that meets his temple with the aim of a fucking archer. He crumples to the floor in a heap, and I jump back, fists raised and adrenaline pumping through me, ready for Baron to come at me.

“You gonna come get yours?” I ask. He just shakes his head. “I’ve felt your fists. Besides, I’m more into the challenge than taking what I can by brute force.” I didn't trust him for a second, so I went back into the next room. It’s dark in there, since this is the only flashlight. I swallow hard, wiping my hands on my jeans, and feel my way to the dirt tunnel. It’s chilly in the basement, and my clothes are still damp from the rain. At least, I tell myself that’s why I start shivering the second my shins are on the cold dirt floor of the tunnel. I force myself onwards, my heart thudding in my ears. To avoid thinking about the ceiling collapsing, I focus on the tunnel behind me, trying to hear if Baron’s coming in with me. Each scrape of my own knees on the floor makes me tremble. God, it’s so tight. My shoulders are pressed against the walls, and I wonder if maybe this tunnel doesn’t lead out at all. Maybe it leads to… Nothing.

 I’ll be stuck in a dead end in the dark, waiting for Duke to come rape me and probably kill me. Because fuck if I’m just going to lie there and take it without fighting back. I’ve seen way too many movies where people go into a cave or a tunnel looking for escape and instead come upon a pile of skeletons left by all the other idiots who tried to escape before them. The ceiling of the tunnel brushes my back—or was it a bat?—and I think I’m going to be sick. I close my eyes and try to breathe, though it feels like there’s no oxygen in the tunnel. What the fuck am I doing? I’ve just basically buried myself alive. I press my palms to the cold dirt under them and think about the nights I spent locked in the closet at home. The hours I’d be in there, sometimes so long I wet myself before Mom dragged her hungover ass up and remembered where I was.

 Then she’d rage at me and smack me around a little and tell me to clean myself up, that I was a disgusting pig. Or if she had a boyfriend over, she’d howl with laughter at my wet pants because she didn’t want men to see her pissed. A sense of humor is sexy, after all. No one likes an angry woman. I take another ragged breath, forcing it into the constricted airways to my panicked lungs. This is not that bad. And if I could clean up myself and the closet without crying back then, I sure as fuck won’t cry now. I didn’t freak out then, and I won’t freak out now. Once, she locked me in a cabinet because she said I’d lose my claustrophobia if I just faced it. I was curled up in a ball, with my knees to my chest, for hours. I have all the room in the world here. I could lie down flat and crawl on my stomach. I can roll over. I can move. I start forward again. After a time, I hear echoing scuffles high above. I reach up a tentative hand and can’t feel the ceiling. I climb to my knees, then my feet. Relief floods through me in a rush that brings tears to my eyes and a whoop of relief to my throat. Blinking back the wetness, I hold a hand in front of me and one on the wall, and I walk until the wall falls away. I turned on my phone for the last time. No skeletons. No cage with Mabel Darling being held captive like Gretel waiting for the witch to eat her. There are two tunnels off the side of a cavernous room. I continue straight ahead, and at the far side of the room, I find a door, just like Baron said. Heart galloping in my chest, I find the knob and twist. It doesn’t budge.

Fuck. I sink down on the floor, shaking with spent energy, the adrenaline leaving my limbs. My fingers are trembling and stiff with cold, but I try to pick the lock for a while, anyway. When I can’t, I consider sleeping here. At least I’m away from the guys. But it’s so fucking cold, and I’m shivering so hard I can’t possibly relax. My phone dies, and suddenly, the darkness seems close and oppressive and terrifying. Even though I wasn’t using the light, there was comfort in knowing it was an option if I needed it. Now, a drunk obnoxious Duke seems preferable to staying here alone, not knowing if someone will come through the door and who it might be. But going back to the twins means facing the tunnel again. I did it before, though. I can do it again. I know there are no forks until the tunnel opens up, which means I just have to find the tunnel in the dark and hope it’s the right one. It’s not too hard. I just have to go straight ahead. I gather all my courage and creep across the room in the dark. When I find the tunnel, I take a deep breath and barrel in. I don’t think, just charge through as fast as I can. Somehow, it doesn’t seem so bad on the way back. When I finally see a scant light ahead, my heart starts racing with relief. I burst out of the tunnel into the dirt room in the basement of the CIA office. The familiarity itself is a relief, and I can finally breathe easy. Duke is sitting up in a chair, a beer in one hand, his eyes unfocused and his jaw slack. A lump has already formed where I decked him. Baron sits on the stone slab, his phone sitting beside him with the light on.

 “How was it?” he asks, holding up his beer. “Fuck you,” I say. “You knew it was locked.” “Faced your fears, though, didn’t you? One more Midnight Swan challenge down.” “Is that what this is?” I ask. “My initiation?” “Depends,” he says. “It could be.” “Bullshit. August said I could never join.” “August’s not the only Swan,” Baron counters. “He’s your leader.” “He’ll be done with you after tonight, and then he won’t care what happens to you. That’s how it works with him. When he’s done, you don’t exist to him anymore.” “Fine,” I say, planting my hands on my hips. “What do I need to do next?” “You tell me, Stalker Girl.” “Betray a friend for a Swan. See, that one might be hard, since I don’t have friends.” “Gloria’s a friend,” he says. “I’m a friend.”

“Are you, though?” He holds out a beer, the cap still on. “Have a beer. Relax. We’ll be here a while.” “I like to stay sharp.” “Me too,” he says, taking a drink from his beer. “But one beer won’t hurt.” I relent and take it. At least it might warm me up a little, and to be honest, I need to calm down and think this through. Like when they threw me in the dumpster with Colt, I’m attacking a big problem with a tiny knife. If I chill and wait it out, someone will come open the door. If this is some kind of hazing for the Midnight Swans, then I need to see what they want me to do. So, I sat down on the stone slab next to Baron. “What’s the last challenge?” I ask. “The gauntlet.” “For a girl?” he asks. “That means we sex you in.” I force myself to swallow my beer without reaction. “Who does?” “All of us.” I squeeze the cold bottle to keep my hands from shaking. “All the Swans?” “A gangbang, baby,” Duke slurs, holding up his beer. “And this has happened before?” I ask.

“No,” Baron says. “Because no chicks at this office  would do it. But I bet you would.” “You bet wrong.” “Well, technically, the gauntlet only requires the participation of three Swans,” he says. “And you’ve already fucked August. So you're a third of the way there.” “This is your chance,” Duke says. “Three for three.” He leans forward in his chair, then tilts slowly until he topples out, as if in slow motion. It would be comical, but I’m a little worried he’s going to choke on his puke and die in his sleep. “He’s not wrong,” Baron says. Duke rolls onto his back on the floor. “Gonna rest my eyes,” he mumbles. “Then we’ll tag team her.” “My phone died,” I say after a minute, nodding at Baron’s light. “Want to call someone to let us out?” “No can do,” he says, taking a drink. “No service down here.” “Right.” We sip our beers in silence for a few minutes. Then Baron climbs off the rock and sits on the floor beside Duke. “My phone’s going to die if I don’t turn off the light,” he says. “We should all just get some sleep.”

“Why don’t I trust you in the dark?” “Because you’re paranoid and think everyone wants to fuck you.” “Says the guy who was just trying to get in my pants.” “That was me,” Duke says, not opening his eyes. “Come sit by us,” Baron says. “It’ll be warmer. I won’t mess with you.” “Fine,” I say, sliding off the stone and going to sit by them. Despite Duke’s usual drunken asshole behavior, they haven’t done anything. Baron’s right. They are my friends. We’ve been hanging out for a few months now. I sit with them every day at lunch, go to their games, and am part of their circle. It’s not like it was at the beginning of the year, before I was a Walker's  girl. I’m under August’s protection now. They might want him to be done with me, might try to convince me it’s true. But I know different things, and they know it, too. He didn’t lock us down here. Baron did. Baron has the key. He wants August to dump me, but he won’t risk his brother’s rage by touching his plaything before August gives the okay. Baron turns off his light, and we both lie down. He turns toward me, and I tense, but he only lays an arm across me. “So, not into being a Swan if it means you have to work for it?” “Would you let three dudes fuck you to get in?” “Touché.”

For a while, none of us spoke. After a while, Baron sighs. “You know, this is where they kept August when he was kidnapped,” he says drowsily. A chill explodes over my skin, and I lose my breath for a second. “What?” “Not in the main room,” Baron says, petting my hair absently. “Back here, in the dirt like an animal.” “And he still comes down here?” I ask, remembering that weird encounter in the dark, when he brought me down here and started kissing me and said all those creepy things… It’s safe here, in the dark. It doesn’t hurt anymore. Suddenly, I’m dizzy with the realization of how sick this all is—him forcing girls down here to blow him, those things he said that probably some sicko said to him… “Are you kidding?” Duke asks. “Our brother’s not afraid of anything.” 

I can hear the pride in his voice, and it’s sweet how much he thinks of his big brother. But it doesn’t change how fucked up this is. Maybe it was him that locked me in here with his brothers, knowing what they might do to me. “He’s the one who wanted to keep the Swans going after the office  and the police shut them down,” Baron says. “He wanted to come down here when we all thought it was a bad idea. But he wanted to keep the meetings here.” “Why?” I ask, too terrified to even think about it.

“Probably to show how little it affects him,” Baron says. “To show the Darlings they didn’t win.” I’m not convinced. If anything, it shows me how much it still affects him. He can’t let it go, just like he can’t stop going to the bridge, where I’m pretty sure his sister died. Instead of avoiding everything, he revels in the pain of it like a masochist, never letting himself forget. He’s punishing himself, though I can’t begin to imagine what he thinks he did wrong in either instance. “He’s not going to let that shit own him,” Duke says. “He rules his past.” “Can I ask you something?” I say after a minute. “When he was kidnapped… Was he assaulted?” “Yeah,” Baron says. “They beat the fuck out of him. Like, half his teeth are implants. He had a concussion, but he wanted to go right back out on the field.” He sounds so proud, like that makes his brother a hero. My ribs ache at the thought of August needing to prove himself that badly. “Dad had to find a doctor who would sign off for him to play,” Duke says, laughing and then hiccupping. “He was so pissed the first one wouldn’t. I think he got him fired. Then he found a good one.” “Now they golf together,” Baron says with a chuckle. “You never know when you’ll need a medical professional. Helps to have all kinds in your pocket.”

A shiver rolls through me. I wonder how much of that fight was August’s, and how much was Mr. Dolce’s. This is how they took power. Paying off people to do what they want, bulldozing those who wouldn’t. Nothing stands in their way—like a father, like sons. Despite August’s resentment, they’re all on the same side, all in it together. August is eighteen. He doesn’t have to obey his father or even live there. He could stop going to Hockington if he wanted, but something keeps him going back. Is it the same thing that keeps him coming back here, some kind of penance? I clear my throat. “I meant, like, sexually assaulted.” “Dude, that’s fucked up,” Duke slurs. “August’s a man.” “Men get raped, too.” “August would never take it up the ass,” Baron says. “You really are sick, Jailbird” “Yeah,” Duke chimes in. “How could you ask that about a guy who’s fucking you? Does he seem gay to you?” “The ignorance of that statement is honestly astounding.” “Nothing like that happened,” Baron says flatly. “Old Man Darling brought him here, and he was beaten to within an inch of his life, had half his teeth knocked out, his skull fractured, ribs broken, shoulder dislocated… He

was starved and dehydrated and all kinds of shit. But don’t even think about anything perverted like that.” “Because none of that’s perverted,” I mutter. “Where’s my beer?” Duke asks. “Did they catch the guy?” I ask. “Sort of,” Baron says. “That whole investigation was botched from the start, though. The redneck cops around here don’t know how to deal with real problems.” Or maybe the problems weren’t as real as Baron thinks. Dixie told me that their own sister sent some letter saying it was all faked. But August couldn’t have faked that, could he? I mean, I guess he could have let someone beat him up and then say it was the Darlings, but damn. Those are some extreme lengths to go to just to frame someone. But then, August’s nothing if not extreme. And Dixie could be wrong. Maybe there was no letter, and if there was, maybe it wasn’t from Crystal at all but from a Darling trying to get the charges dropped. And here I am, helping them. “You found him here?” I ask, rubbing my arms, trying to get the goosebumps to go away.

“Has anyone seen my beer?” Duke asks, groping at me until I slap his hand away. His voice is slurred and sleepy, though, and I know we’re about to lose him for the night. “No one found him here,” Baron says. “Devlin’s dad put him in their attic to hide him until he died. But they found him before he did.” “Who found him?” “Crystal and Devlin.” I shudder harder. All I’ve ever heard from Colt and Dixie and even August is how great Crystal was—that everyone loved her, wanted her. She taught them so much. She was such a good, selfless person. But I haven’t heard this part. “After his dad tried to kill August, she still chose Devlin over him?” I ask. “Yeah,” Baron says. “August called her on it, too. He’s blunt as fuck. He thinks he did something wrong because of it, but she needed to hear it. And August’s never been afraid to hit those hard truths, y’know? He’ll say what everyone’s thinking, do the hard shit that no one else wants to do. He doesn’t let anything stand in his way. He gets shit done.” I can practically hear Baron and Duke both swelling with pride every time they talk about August. It’s clear they worship him. But that doesn’t mean they always agree with August. This is the first time I’ve heard anyone paint Crystal as anything less than a saint. I want to hear more, but I’m too fucking cold to ignore it. “Any chance someone left a jacket down here?” I ask. “Or a dry change of clothes?” Baron’s hand finds mine in the dark. “Damn, you are cold,” he says, sitting up. He moves around, and a second later, his warm hoodie envelopes me in its cozy fabric and the scent of him, like boys and faint cologne or deodorant. I pull it down over me and huddle into it with such gratitude I might be tempted to fuck him again if he asked. “Come here and put your head on me, and I’ll tell you both a bedtime story,” Baron says. “I’ve got an extra sucker you can eat while you listen. This is a little tale I like to call, The Fall of the Darlings. Don’t worry. It has a happy ending.”

I adjust my position so I’m lying perpendicular to Baron so I can rest my head on his stomach. It’s better than the cold floor. “Are you going to tell me about how August called your sister on choosing the Darlings over him, and she went ahead with it, anyway?” “Fucked up, right?” I can’t help but agree with him. Who would choose anyone over August? But then, that’s not fair. I’m just learning how crazy love makes a person. Who’s to say I wouldn’t sell out my own family for August? “Did his dad go to jail?” I ask, thinking of Mr. D, who wanted to live vicariously through my sex stories. No conjugal visits, apparently. “For a few months,” Baron says, pressing a sucker into my hand. “They charged him with conspiracy or intent or something along those lines. But his lawyer got him off. The legal system here is even more fucked up than New York. But we got justice.” I unwrap the sucker slowly in the dark. “You killed him?” “Nah,” Baron says. “August doesn’t believe in murder. He says death is easy. Life is suffering.” “So, he’s like an angry Buddha?” Baron chuckles. “Sure. If you die, your suffering ends. If you live, you can suffer for a long time.” “And you made him suffer?” “The whole family,” Baron says proudly.

 “While Devlin’s dad was in jail, we made his mom play with us. That lasted a couple months, until she checked herself into Cedar Crest.” Even though people like me could never afford Cedar Crest, of course I’ve heard about the treatment facility. It’s one of the few local claims to fame, since celebrities hole up there for treatment on occasion. It’s basically a resort, or a psych hospital for the rich and famous. “Is she still there?” I ask, suddenly wondering if Mr. D is a man at all. “Nah, when Devlin’s dad got out of jail, he took her out and they moved away. Never even came back to see if they could salvage anything from the fire.”  “That’s the house next door?” I ask. “Devlin’s house?” “Yep,” he says. “Such a tragedy it was lost in a fire.” I roll my eyes in the dark. “I’m sure you had nothing to do with that.” “Would we do something like that?” he asks, his tone filled with mock innocence. “You don’t know where he went?” “We know,” he says. “But they were gone from Faulkner, so we moved on. You know what was really fun, Harper?

 Seeing their empire crumble as we dismantled it brick by brick.” “Has anyone ever told you that you’re a sociopath?” “Aw, now, you like watching people, too, don’t you, Harper? Always nosing around our business, digging into August’s life. Trying to get him wrapped around your little finger. We’re not so different, you and me.” I shrug my shoulders against his side. “Maybe you’re right.” I’m not so sure, though. I don’t glory in people’s downfall. Or maybe I do. Before August meant something to me, I vowed to take them down. Not to take their throne, but just for the joy of watching them fall. Maybe I’m exactly like Baron, I just don’t hate the Walkers anymore. When they were my enemies, I wanted to watch them burn.

After a minute of sucking on our candy in silence, Baron shifts around to get comfortable and then goes on. “The grandfather Darling, John, had seven sons. All started with J. So we went through them all. After Devlin’s dad, Justin, there’s Joseph—Preston’s dad—and Jacob. That’s Colt and Mabel’s dad. Joseph went to prison for murder. That guy was definitely involved in August’s kidnapping. Get this. He’s such a dick that even Preston refused to be a character witness at his trial.” That’s the Darling I suspect is Mr. D. The one I’ve been feeding information to. I’ve thought of him as a friend before, but I know that’s an illusion created by my own lack. He’s not a friend. He’s a guy so evil his own son wouldn’t stand up for him. And I’ve been giving him information about a boy I love. It makes me feel sick and dirty in a way even his creepy sexual interest never has. Baron goes on when I don’t answer. “We fucked with Lindsey a little, but she was too easy, and then Preston threatened Gloria, so we moved on to Colt’s family. We had some fun with them.” I think of the missing finger on Colt’s hand, the burn scars. His dad’s missing finger, and his cane. Mabel is not just blowing out of town but changing her name so they can’t track her down. I swallow hard, wanting to hear the details I’ve been in the dark about for so long, but fuck. The blasé tone in Baron’s voice makes my skin crawl.

“And then there’s Jeremiah and Jedediah. Twins, actually. Jed had some kind of accident and died of blood loss. He had kids, but they’d already grown and moved away. Jeremiah has two kids. His son would have been a sophomore this year, but he disappeared mysteriously right before he would have started at Willow Heights. But he didn’t change his name, and see, I’m pretty good at finding people. We’ll be watching, and if he ever comes back, we’ll be ready. And then their daughter Magnolia will be a freshman next year. That’ll be fun.” “You don’t even know these people, and you’re literally torturing them until they die?” “They tortured August,” he says, as if that explains everything. “Some little twelve-year-old girl tortured August? Or, wait, she’d have been ten at the time?” “She’s a Darling,” he says. “They would have done the same to us. They tried. The difference is, wherever they tried, we succeeded.” “All because one of them dared to love your sister?” “They killed our sister,” he says, his voice hard. “There are two more Darling men, too. They were disowned by the grandfather and changed their names, but we found them. One of them had moved away, but one of them actually lived in the same trailer park where I believe you hail from. John Jr. I hear he was close with your mom a while back, maybe when you were really little?”

I don’t say anything to that. Lots of men have been close with my mom, and it’s not like I want to explain to Baron Dolce that my mom is a trailer park slut. “Never heard of him,” I say after a minute, because it feels like Baron’s expecting something. “Oh, well, I guess he OD’d, so he’s out of the picture, anyway.” “You literally studied Darling family history and found anyone with that name and just destroyed their lives?” “Not just their name,” he says. “Their blood. Blood makes family, not a name. A name is something you can hide behind or run from, but you can’t hide your DNA. Their blood is poison to this town. And poison has to be eliminated.” “That’s… Harsh.” “They started it.” I lie there not even sure what to say. I want to laugh at the ridiculous pettiness of his response. That’s all he has to say? They started it? That’s the excuse of a five-year-old on the playground. I’m pissed off for the Darlings and I barely know one of them. But shit. No wonder people say the Walkers are evil. They’re brutal as fuck, and Baron just sounds like he’s recounting a boring story about our grandparents when he talks. This isn’t something that happened to someone else, though. He and Duke and yes, August, did all this. Drove people to suicide. Had them imprisoned and committed to mental institutions. I shiver at the thought of what they would do if they found out I was reporting to someone about them. They’d fucking kill me is what. So I better get Mr. D what he wants and cut all ties, the sooner the better. “The Darlings started it by kidnapping August?” I ask, pulling the sucker from my mouth. “That, and stealing Crystal, and even before that, they fucked with our dad when he was in office  here. Walkers never forget.” “Can I ask you something?” I say after thinking that over. “Why do you do anything your dad says? August’s 32, and you’re what? 26? You don’t have to do that.” “You wouldn’t understand,” he says. “You come from a fucked up family.” “And yours is so functional.” “Family is everything to the Walkers,” he says. “That’s what Crystal forgot.” “Damn,” I say. “That’s cold.” “It’s a fact,” he says. “People always say that—cold hard truth, cold hard facts. But facts aren’t cold anymore than they’re hot. They’re just facts.”

And that’s the cold part, I think to myself. This guy isn’t just cold, his heart is made of ice. August can make himself that way, but there’s some switch he flips inside to get there. But August feels. He feels a whole fucking lot, probably more than he wants to. Enough that he goes into that dead-eye mode to protect himself. Baron, though… Baron’s ice cold to the core. I remember thinking that about Mr. D, and I wonder yet again if I got it wrong, if it’s not a gross old guy but a hot young guy. “So, she forgot, and she died for it,” I say. “Is that what your dad says to get you to obey him? He threatens to kill you?” “Dad would never threaten us,” Baron says. “He used to use Crystal to get August to do what he wanted, though. But he’s not blunt like August. With Dad, it’s always a subtle suggestion, a gentle reminder of where we stand.” “You admire him,” I say. It’s laced through every word he speaks, in his tone of voice, as clear as his admiration for his brother. That makes him that much scarier. He’s so detached it’s unnatural and a little terrifying. How can that same boy be lying here stroking my hair and pillowing my head, giving me his sweatshirt when I’m cold and telling me I’m his friend? “He’s a self-made millionaire,” Baron says. “What’s not to admire?” The fact that he pimps out his own kids, first off.

I don’t say anything, though. I don’t know if their father does that or if it’s August’s doing. I don’t know if the twins know, or if they do it, too. And I’m not about to spill that kind of information to anyone, not even August’s brother, without knowing. “Duke’s passed out cold,” Baron says after a few minutes. “Guess we’re alone.” “Yeah,” I say, moving to sit up. Baron’s hand tightens in my hair, though, and he sits up, so my head is in his lap. “Stay,” he says. “Maybe now that we have a minute alone together…” “What?” I ask, turning toward him even though I can’t see him in the dark. “You’re going to hit on me?” “No one would know,” he says, his fingers gently stroking my hair. “I’d know,” I say. “You’d know.” “Just a little suck?” he asks, and a second later, he pushes himself against my face. I don’t know when he whipped his dick out, but it’s hard and hot and so shocking that for a second, I don’t move. Then reality kicks in and I scramble away. “What the fuck, Baron.” “You make me so hard,” he says. “I’ve been thinking about it ever since I saw you going down on August. And listening to you lick that sucker… I know you feel it, too. You’re attracted to me.”

“Look, Baron,” I say. “Sure, I’ll admit you’re hot. Maybe if I wasn’t into your brother, I’d be into you. But I am, and I’m not.” “Just for a minute,” he says, his voice almost pleading. He takes my hand and gives it a little squeeze. “I just want to feel your mouth. I won’t even make you swallow.” He pulls my hand down, wrapping my fingers around his hard length. It throbs in my hand, and I gulp at the sensation. “No way.” I yank my hand back, my heart hammering. “You shouldn’t even be asking. The only way that’s happening is if you rape my face like your brother did.” “I’m not going to force you to do anything,” he says. “If I did, you’d tell August, and he’d kick my ass. But if you want to do it, no one will tell him. It’ll be just between us. Our little secret. Like what I told you here tonight. I trusted you. Don’t you trust me?” “It’s a little hard when you’re literally telling me to keep a secret from the guy I—the guy I’m seeing.” He’s quiet for a second, and I think he’s going to ask what I was about to say, if I was going to let slip the L-word. “Just this once?” he asks instead.

“Fuck you, Baron,” I say, getting up and feeling my way through the dark. I don’t know where I’m going, but I want to be further from him and his dick. My pulse is still stuttering, and I don’t like the uncertain feeling in my belly one bit. “I could make it worth your while,” he says. “I could make you a Swan.” “What?” “Just because you didn’t let us take turns with you, that doesn’t mean it couldn’t still count. If you fucked multiple Swans… You’d be sexed in.” “You said three of you.” “I bet I could convince Duke,” he says. “Maybe if you just gave him head, too… It’s not even sex. But we could tell them it was.” “And I’d be a Swan.” “Betray a friend for a Swan…” he says, quoting the challenges I read. “And I faced my fear in the passage?” “Didn’t you?” “So that would be all the challenges. And the gauntlet—blowing you and Duke—would get me in.” “Just like you wanted.” I think about that for a second. I could be on the inside. I’d give Mr. D everything he wanted.

. But I’d lose August, and somewhere along the way, he became more important. “I’ll pass,” I say. “I try not to go around trading sexual favors to get what I want.” “Not even when it’s what you want, too?” he asks, his voice closer than I expected. “Touch me, and you’ll see exactly how much I want it,” I say, dropping the sucker stem on the floor so my fists are ready. “And you’ll be pissing out a hole in the side of your dick for the rest of your life.” “Jesus,” he says. “You’re fucked up, you know that?” “You know what’s more fucked up? You continued to harass me when I said I wasn’t interested. I’m interested in August. That’s it. Not you, not Duke, not any of your other Swans.” “You’ll change your mind when you’re the meat in a twin sandwich,” he says. “But I’ll let you have it your way. For now.” “Gee, thanks for not raping me. Don’t let me forget to give you a gold star on our way out.” “I’d appreciate that.” I stalk over to the side of the room and find a chair. I curl up in it to wait for morning. Even with the hoodie, it’s so fucking cold I’m shivering, though.

“Come on, don’t sleep over there,” Baron says. “I put my dick away. Come over here by us. It’s too cold to sleep alone.” “I’d rather not get raped in my sleep.” “That’s not our style,” he says. “Though, if you have a kink about that, I have a friend who could help you out.” “No, thanks.” “For fuck’s sake, just relax,” he says. “I was just seeing if you wanted it bad enough. Obviously, you don’t. You’re not committed enough to be a Swan.” “And you’re not going to try to molest me in my sleep?” “What fun is that?” he asks. “If you don’t fight back, it’s not worth taking.” “You’re really selling this.” “Come on,” he says. “It’s cold down here, and you stole my hoodie, and I don’t want to snuggle my brother’s blacked-out ass. You’re going to freeze over there by yourself. I promise I won’t fuck with you anymore. I get it. You’re August’s, and until he’s done with you, you’re off limits.” “I’m sleeping with my pocketknife in my hand,” I say. “I’ll cut you if you grope me.” “Deal,” he says. “Now get over here and let us keep you warm.”

I make my way back over and slide down next to Duke. Baron scoots over and wraps an arm around me. I have to admit, it’s nice to feel them on either side of me, keeping me warm like he promised, instead of holding onto my pride and freezing my ass off in a chair. Still, I don’t sleep until I feel him relax, his breathing going deeper as he falls into sleep first. I blink awake when the electricity comes back on, the light on the ceiling flickering a few times before remaining on. It takes a second for my eyes to adjust and see August standing over us. I scramble up, my heart stampeding in my chest. My hands fly up as if to defend myself from the accusation in his eyes. “It’s not—we were just sleeping.” “Did you fuck them?” he asks quietly. “No,” I say, my hands falling to my sides. I remember Duke’s threat from last night. No matter what happened, there’s not a damn thing I can do to convince him if they say otherwise. “Not for lack of trying,” Duke says, stretching his arms over his head. Baron sits and picks up his glasses and my knife from the floor before standing. “Didn’t touch her,” he says. “We tried everything you said to.” I snatch my knife back and turn on August. “What the fuck? Is this some kind of game to you?”

He gives me a cool look. “You wanted to be a Swan. I just wanted to know how bad you wanted it.” “You were testing me? You really think I’d fuck your brothers? That’s not even part of the initiation, is it? You just wanted a reason to dump me.” “Hey, don’t be upset about it,” he says with a lazy smile. “You passed.” “You were never going to let me into the Swans, were you? This is all just a hilarious game to you, seeing what you can make me do.

Even if I passed every challenge, you’d never let me in your little, preppy boys club.” “And you should thank me for that,” he says quietly, his dark eyes going serious. “Fuck you, August,” I say, stomping past him and up the stairs. “Oh, I will,” he says behind me. “The only question is, should I let you cool down first or rage fuck you right now?” “Try it and see what happens,” I snap. It feels good to step into the library and slam the door in his face. I’m tired and sore from sleeping on the floor, not to mention I’m wearing the same clothes as yesterday but with the addition of a good amount of dirt. On top of that, I don’t even have my bag. But there’s only fifteen minutes until the morning meeting starts, which means I can’t go home without missing it. No matter what I said to Baron last night, I still fucking hate August half the time.

[the1975attheirverybest]

Matty concept. Sub Matty - where the reader is in control and something is too much for him but he doesn't wanna show it and wants to be 'strong' but she notices it and stops despite him saying no ... Can u write a blurb or smth

Matty bit his lower lip to stop the gasp that almost left his mouth as he felt her stretch him out. Something about it didn’t feel right. Ordinarily, he would want nothing more than for the love of his life to be fucking him silly. Maybe it was the combination of being restrained and on his knees, maybe it was just the angle of the thrust. Something about it went past pleasure and into overwhelming, making him nervous and incapable of focusing on the stimulation. Should he stop her? Should he tap out? Let her know that he wasn’t feeling it? He shook his head, deciding to power through it. ‘Handle it.’ Be good for her and make her happy. ”Matty, are you okay?” He heard her voice from behind him. hesitantly, he nodded his head. “what’s the matter honey, you’re holding your breath, I can tell.”

he panicked. She was on to him. He needed to do better than this. “I’m fine. It’s fine. I can- I can’t take it”

she frowned, pausing all motion completely. “What’s fine? Take what?” Suddenly, she realized he was bluffing. “oh, baby.” She sighed. “Im gonna pull out now, okay? Let me know if it hurts or if you need me to go slower.”

“no- it’s okay. I promise! I’ll be fi-“

His body relaxed reflexively as soon as she pulled the toy out of him. His lungs finally letting out that breath. He shut his eyes, melting into the mattress, his knees collapsing under him. “Matty, why didn’t you say anything?” She finally spoke when he sat up. seeing the worry itches in her face made him feel guilty. He avoided her eyes at all costs. How had he managed to fuck things up like this? All he wanted was to be strong for her. Now, not only had he failed at that, he’d also made her feel bad in the process. “I’m sorry.” He mumbled, his gaze downcast. “Wanted to be a good boy for you.”

“Baby, you already are! How much you can or can’t take doesn’t change that. Thought you knew…”

“but we’ve done a lot more than this before! I can handle it. I’m strong enough-“

“Matty! What’s our number one rule?” She reminded him. “communication?” He furrowed his brows, wracking his brain for an answer. “nope. Try again.”

he rolled his eyes once he’d figured it out. “Safety first.” He conceded, a bit ashamed. His shame, however, quickly turned into worry once the word “rule” set in. “Wait, I broke a rule. Does that mean…you’ll punish me?”

“No, baby. Not this time. You’re already in pain. Could I give you a hug?”

“please. Need it.”

[fillyourwounds]

high functioning thoughts in a day

i wake up. i press snooze one time because i know exactly how many minutes i have left. sometimes i open one eye and see who messaged me the night before. other times, i fall back into sleep, hoping it doesn't ring another moment.

it always does.

i swing one leg out and then the other following, the cold air helps me understand the reality. the weight of my body collapsing upon my frame. i don't want to open my eyes, they are full of sleep and i wish to stay there.

i have exactly 15 minutes to get ready before i need to somehow drive my vehicle to work. my teeth aren't straight. i brush my teeth, put on my clothes, make my coffee, and leave.

hi baby kitty. i love you.

on the way to work, i wonder how i am driving. sometimes i forget i am. i check the clock at least 3 times to make sure i'm making time. if i'm not to the end of the road by 7:24, i'm going to be late. i can't be late. they don't really care if i'm late, but i can't be. i hate my job. i hate going to my job. i hate that i know i will have to talk to adults at my job. my boss makes me feel like shit. my boss tells me i am a bad person. my boss is bad. i am angry. i am angry. i am angry.

i connect to the wifi in the parking lot and clock in. i don't want to mess with my phone until i get to my classroom. it looks awkward and im wasting a few seconds being at work without getting paid for it. i try to avoid my boss, but when i do see her i try to say good morning. it's hard because i'm not exactly sure why i need to do that.

everyone i pass says good morning, or they don't because they've learned i don't look up. i don't know why i have to say good morning. it doesn't make sense, we are not friends. i sit at my desk. i made it to my station.

i turn on the charm when kids come to my desk and smile at me. they make me feel more normal. they ask me questions while i tiredly respond. but they are excited to see me, and i'm more awake after they come in.

i check my email. i check my email. i check my email. i can't read my book yet, it's too early. same for music. too early for music. i check the disciplin referrals. i am shocked that a kid did something stupid. i never did that (i might have). i send a good morning text. i hope they text back. nobody is awake right now except the morning shift people. i check my email. they must be asleep.

i teach my class. i think about how i love them too much. sometimes they are so loud i can't hear anymore and my eyes start to hurt. it's not their fault, they are children. i try to tell them to stop. my voice is only so loud! my ears ring. they ring. i am responsible. what are they doing? i should probably stop them. i don't care though. sorry. i am better because of them. they are probably why i didnt end it yesterday. that's too much though. when they live, my heart sinks a little. they don't know what i'm like.

have i eaten? i can feel my body. i've had coffee. it's 9:30. i don't want to do the next part of my job. i don't care about eight year olds. i don't care because they say bad things and bite people. i don't want to watch someone ignore me for 20 minutes and then put him back in an environment where he will just assault someone else and say something heinous. he doesn't know any better. his dad probably beats him, just like his brother. it's whatever. i don't think they have running water. i can't tell. i will go get him. he needs me. well, not really. he says he doesn't like me. but i'll go get him anyways.

now i am relieved.

i can hide now. nobody here needs me. they probably talk about how i never work anymore. i stopped fighting. i made myself a body. i stopped logging, i stopped pulling kids from class. i'm going to watch a tv show to forget i'm at work. what if someone sees me. there's 12 days left. what are they gonna do. fire me. i wish i was dead. i don't want to work hard like i have been or fight to keep up. i don't want this to be the rest of my life. i wish i was dead. i wish i was dead. i wish i was dead.

i'm hiding. i hope i don't see my boss. my best friend is in the building but i cannot talk to her or rely on her, something is typically wrong. my teeth aren't straight. i will shoulder a student if they need me. when they lie, i get angry. your actions and words are not honest. why can't you be more normal and why is it my problem. is this going to be my entire life? i don't think i'm cut out for this. what's the point if i spent all this money just to find out it's not for me..?

i can finally leave. i can finally leave. i should crash my car on the way home. i won't but i should. my teeth aren't straight. how loud can my music get? this is fine.

hi cat. thank you for greeting me. you are the best.

if i don't walk, i will get bigger. my stomach is too big. my arms have too much weight on them. my stomach, i can feel my stomach, i want to get rid of it. what will i eat to make it go away. i hate this body. i wish i hadn't eaten lunch. this is difficult.

outside is nice. i have to track this. my legs are strong. maybe my tan will even out. maybe i'll see cows today. my legs are strong and carry me through my walk. what if i get hit by a car. what if i get taken like in the podcasts. wearing headphones is dangerous you know, but songs are good. these cars are all staring at me. i wonder if they are saying anything. they definitely think i look dumb. i feel more relieved when they pass. i have to show someone my walk so they don't think i'm big because i don't exercise. i exercise. see. why am i talking. shut the fuck up. i hate you.

i have to shower now. you always shower when you get inside after you sweat. i have to shower in the significant order. i hate having to shave. i hate my body, i can't look in the mirror. maybe i'll smell nice after this as my act of service towards myself.

i will read. or try to. maybe. i tried. i read. i tried. i watch show. i tried. do i have to make dinner? do i? this isn't good. i hate eating. but i have to. 50/50 shot it stays down. my stomach hurts. it always hurts. i am by myself. i am lonely.

should i give up tonight? say something that gets him interested.i feel gross. but also powerful. i am full of power and i can get what i want when i want to. i shouldnt have done that. i really shouldnt have. i will reset the boundary tomorrow. i can try. men are impossible. i'm going to be alone forever. i'm never going to get married or have children or a life. i'm trying to get you to like me. i've loved you at some point before. are you listening? i'm so annoying. i'm so deeply annoying. he's telling me i'm not but i so am. everyone lies to me because i'm nice. i can't trust anyone. i never will. never want to. don't feel like it. i'm playing a social game.

something hurts. i won't take meds for it. my bed feels the same. i wish it was more comfortable. my room should be clean but it isnt and it's bad to me. i can't clean it yet, or maybe i can. wish he was messaging me back. i could never share a bed with another person. i'm tired but need to know whats happening next. i'm always so tired. i'm scared about work again the next day. i don't get the point. i'm so tired. i'm not even going to feel like i slept. i wish i won't wake up and have to do this over again. i wish i won't wake up and have to continue. god, please do something. anything. goodnight.

i woke up when i wasn't supposed to. why can't i sleep through the night. please don't wake me up again. goodnight.

[koneko-3]

Chapter 4 of "Light"

I found myself at the diner looking around for Tsukuba. Then I saw her, waving her hand like an idiot. I sat down across from her. "So Ryuka, how have you been holding up?" She asked. "Fine I guess." I replied. She smiled, "That's good. I was hoping you weren't still down in the dumps. But I can relate though." "Tsukuba, it doesn't matter if you can relate." I shouted with anger. "Oh, sorry." I glared at her. "I guess we started this conversation on the wrong foot. Let's start over. What have you been doing recently?" She said. "Not really much. Just going to school and hanging out with my friends." She started staring at my with joy filled in her eyes. "You made some new friends! Awww, I knew you could do it!" She said cheerfully. "You wanna know what I've been doing?" She asked. "Sure?" "I've been listening Misaka ablums on repeat, especially Cannibal." She proceeded to pull out the cd for it and shove it in my face. "Tsukuba-" she started bursting out facts about Misaka that I didn't even ask for. But there one fact she avoids at all cost. The fact that Misaka is dead. About ten years ago during one of her concerts, she collapsed on stage. No one really knows why she collapsed. Some say it was an overdose, but mid-concert? I wouldn't say it was. Some also say it was a heart attack but to Tsukuba and some other fans, she believes that it was all fake. They believe she is still alive and just wants to leave her idol life. Tsukuba, from what she been telling me, has listened to her music since she was 8 and went to a few of her concerts. I, myself have only listened to a couple of her songs but I just couldn't get into it. I don't understand the hype about it but most of the time I listen to any random songs in my playlist of songs I like.

Eventually, she stopped talking about Misaka. "Tsukuba, have you ever had a crush before?" I asked. "Yes... I used to." She said with sorrow. "Why did you say it like that?" I aksed. "Because, He unfortunately passed away after we went out for a while. He was the only person that loved me." "What happened?" "He got into an accident..." her voice seemed faded like all that excitement from earlier disappeared. "Oh..." "From your question, im guessing you have a crush on someone?" My face turned beet red. "M-Mayb-be..." I stuttered. Tsukuba giggled. "So what are they like? I bet they make you happy, don't they?" "Of course, but how do I ask them?" "Its easy. Well not that easy actually. The best thing you can do for that is try not to let your thoughts get the best of you or else you'll say the wrong things. You never know how they'll react, but it best to tell them sooner than later." She smiled at me. "I'm sure you'll be good at it Ryuka. And im pretty sure they'll like you back. I mean, who doesn't want to go out with a girl like you." "What do you mean by that?" I asked. "Do I really need to explain that. Ryuka, you are the most beautiful and smartest person I've ever had the chance of meeting. I anyone regects you, they are missing out." Her saying that made me feel very warm inside like she had inspired me. This was the first time anyone had said anything so kind to me. "Welp I guess I should go. I have some business to attend to today. And Ryuka, dont put yourself down. I know things are though right now for you but stay strong. Okay?" She said. I nodded my head. And we both went our separate ways.

Outside the diner I found Ryu. "What are you doing here?" I asked. "Uh- nothing actually. Just going for a walk." He suspiciously. I didnt believe him what so ever. "Its a little convenient for you to be here. Im going back, you can go back to your 'walk.'" I said sarcastically. I began to walk but i was stopped when he grabbed my shoulder. "Wait. Can I walk back with you?" He asked. His face was a light shade of pink. "Sorry, but I'm just gonna head back, by myself." I said with a smile. "Oh, okay..." It only seemed that I hurt Ryu. I didn't really care at that moment.

The next day, I found myself in front of my house. While shaking, I opened the front door. I came here today in hope find some files or some records that show something about Kiro. Ryu of course came with me while Setsuna and Margie were off studying for an upcoming test. "So where do think we might find something about this Kiro?" Ryu asked. "I'm thinking somewhere in my gram grams room. Since that letter suggests my mother was writing to her, there might be possibly more." I said. "Well someone is getting the hang of it." He said with a bright smile. First place I went was the basement. It was always really spooky so I really never came down here often. There was a room in the back i never went into. Something had to be in there. I attempted to open the door only to find it locked. Odd, I thought. I attempted again. Still locked. "Do you know where a key for this door might be?" Ryu asked. "No..." I said with disappointment. Ryu took something out of his pocket. It seemed like a lockpick of some sort. "This might open it." He said. With a click, the door slowly opened. "Shall we?" Ryu said gesturing his hands towards the door. I opened the door fully to find shelves filled with old tapes with a television in the center. I looked at the tapes until i found a really odd one labeled "Goodbye". I tapped Ryu's shoulder which made him jump. "I found this tape. Maybe this might point us somewhere." I said. He nodded. "I think that TV might a have a way we can watch that with." He said. We found a player and inserted the tape. The Tv was mostly full of static. Until we saw a woman appear. I reconized that woman as my mother. Someone I haven't seen in many years.

[writersarchivex]

International Hotel

austin!elvis x reader

summary: elvis passes out before his preformance , reader saves the day i guess? just read. slightly better than the other one. im gonna do younger elvis next. enjoy. if not thats also cool.

word count: 1842

Work had never been your favorite thing. It was something you needed to do to survive yes, to keep you happy? No.

When you started out nursing was your passion. You've loved taking care of people. Even at a young age. Over the years though, the work grew tireless, and you enjoyed it less and less.

The day had gone by slow, just patient rounds and the occasional drug addict coming in trying to pawn drugs out of hospital.

You were finally given a moment to sit and relax while catching up on some charts that were busy piling themselves up throughout the day.

"Y/N! You'll never guess what I done got!" Evelyn screamed, disrupting the silence in the room.

You loved that girl; you've known her your entire life. Somehow, she also made it into nursing.

She's a sweetheart, but she's certainly not the brightest.

"Well, what'd you get Eve." You smiled softly at her over heightened enthusiasm.

"Father got me tickets to international hotel! To see the one and only Elvis! Gosh darn it you have to go with me!"

Your head snapped towards the girl, dread instantly filling your entire body.

No.

No absolutely not.

----------

"Darlin' you gotta understand I have to do this. Colonel says it's the best for publicity." Elvis spoke as you wiped a tear away.

He gave him a look.

You had supported him through everything, defended him, helped him when his mama was completely against what he was doing.

"You're breakin' up with me for publicity? I love you. I've loved you through all of this mess. After all that you're leavin'" You paused when you noticed the empty look on his face.

"You know what EP. The colonel can have you. I hope this gets you what you truly want." You cried, stepping out of the vehicle.

---

"I uh- that's awesome! What about work Evelyn, I can't just leave anytime I want."

She shook her head, smiling.

"Pop's is gonna take care of it all for us. Don't worry 'bout a thing unless it's getting pretty. Come on, it's Elvis Presley."

You sighed, knowing you had no choice. Avoiding the topic of Elvis Presley was easy for you until now. There wasn't a good enough excuse.

"Fine, I need to borrow some shoes though, I ain't got any good ones." You gave her a fake smile.

---

After you were finally dressed your nervousness was becoming more apparent.

It was simple. You would go, offer up some fake excitement, maybe yell a little, then it would be over and done with.

Dressed in a black dress, showing far too much cleavage for your liking, and some sky high black heels you were finally ready to go.

"Now you clean up nicely. Lets go, I wanna find our seats. We've got the VIP section." She grinned obviously jumping with joy.

This is literally your worst nightmare. After supporting that man for years he just left, and you haven't heard from him or seen him since.

Arriving at the hotel, you finally let the curiosity get the best of you. You began to wonder if he had changed any. He was always a fan of flashy suits and shoes. You smiled at the thought.

"Help! We need some help over here!" You and Evelyn heard the shouts from down the hallway.

You looked at each other making a dash towards the commotion.

"I'll be dammed." You sighed at the sight.

Vernon Presley was stood over his son, who had obviously collapsed.

"Holy cow! I'm gonna throw up!" Evelyn exclaimed as she ran quite literally the opposite direction.

Now you have no idea what kind of bad karma you were experiencing right now, but you were starting to regret every bad thing you've ever done.

"I- I'm a nurse." You said as loudly as your voice would allow.

Vernon turned to you, finally realizing who you are.

He nodded over at his son who was still very much compromised.

You knelt down to him getting a whiff of his cologne, as you took of your jacket.

His pulse was high, and as you were examining him who you assumed to be the colonel and some sort of doctor approached the group.

"He needs to go to the hospital. Don't know much about him but I assume the collapse was from exhaustion." You spoke, lifting his head gently to check for any sign of injury.

Nope, and sure enough as you were holding him, his eyes fluttered open, clearly the man was disoriented.

"All that matters is that this man preforms on that stage tonight."

You tried to protest but before you knew it, that "doctor" had injected the singer with some sort of fluid, causing him to shoot up with a cough.

"Y/N?"

Before you had time to even register what was happening, he was ushered off to get ready for the performance. You stood and brushed your dress off and fixed you hair a bit before you leaned against the wall.

"Y/N, it's been a long time." Vernon offered a smile.

You gave him a polite one back, you and he never had much of a relationship, it was always his mama.

"Yes. Mr. Presley, quite a reunion. How's Mrs. Gladys?" You turned to him as you watched his face fall.

No.

"She passed a few years ago. Elvis ain't been the same since. He needs rest. Won't listen to nothin' I got to say though."

He looked at you while you thought for a moment. You had adored that family for years, spending quality time with Elvis' mother.

You sighed, tonight definitely went way worse than you thought.

"I'm sorry for your loss." You simply said.

He offered you another smile.

"Y/N, I don't know what happened between you and my son, but could you talk to him? Maybe ask him to get some rest."

You sighed. You didn't quite understand why the man was asking you to do this, the two of you haven't spoken in years. You wouldn't even know what to say.

You saw him though. How tired he looked. You never could've imagined that the light in his eyes could die, but it did. It was missing.

"I'll try. Only doing this cause I know this is what his mama would want." You smiled rubbing Vernon's shoulder.

Vernon led you to the side stage so you could at least see him preform.

He was certainly a star. The light returned just a moment as he looked out to the crowd. He was obviously exhausted, but the movements where there.

He wasn't.

He looked like a shell of himself. Like someone else was in control of his body.

He looked like a puppet.

The sight was unnerving.

You actually had to turn away and choose to just listen.

It comforted you to just imagine him as was.

"The show's almost over, I'll show you to his dressing room. No one ever goes in there." Vernon said as he pulled me from the side stage.

The two of you walked through the venue, allowing you to realize how big this was. You were about to talk to the biggest celebrity in the world, and the love of your life, and you were meant to convince him to take a break from the show business.

Way to go Y/N.

Mama would be real proud, you thought. Shaking your head in resentment towards the situation.

The dressing room was filled with his clothes, and some other things that obviously belonged to him.

Not to mention an unnecessary number of huge mirrors. You would go crazy if you had to be in here as often as he, though you supposed if you had his looks you wouldn't mind.

Vernon left, and you took a seat in front of his dressing mirror. There were a few rings stacked on the table and a comb. Some women's eyeliner that made you let out a chuckle.

Then you noticed a particular ring. The exact one you gave him many years ago. You picked it up and smiled.

He loved this ring. It was his first one.

You stared at it for a moment before you heard the door open behind you.

"Have mercy- Y/N? What the hell are you doin' back here."

You quickly placed the ring down on the table. Feeling slightly embarrassed.

"Vernon wants us to talk." You said, voice slowly shaking.

The man before you held you stare, seemingly taking in every inch of your beautiful body. Which had become far more womanly since last he saw you.

"Then talk darlin. Ain't like I got nothing better to do."

You stood walking slowly towards him. It's not that he intimidated you, he was just so different. Colder.

"You're tired Elvis." You stated, earning an eyeroll in response.

He shook his head and sat slowly on the couch.

"Don't start that shit. You all don't know what you're talking 'bout." He griped.

You shook your head. This was not him. The passion had been drained out.

"I don't know you anymore, and from the looks of it, I don't want to,"

This earned a sad look from the man.

"But you used to love this. Was all you could ever talk about. It was your passion. Now I got a question for you? When did the passion for music die? When did music simply just become your job."

At this point you had to force yourself for going on a rant. You were a nurse, and you were going to treat him as one of your patients. Nothing more.

"I-"

You held your finger up to the man.

You looked around the room for a moment trying to spark up some confidence.

"I'm a nurse Elvis. Let me be frank. If you don't slow down, at least for a while, you will die. The pills that doctor is feeding you, and the tireless hours slaving for the no-good Colonel are gonna kill you. Your mama would've wanted better for ya baby,"

You inhaled sharply as you watched his head shoot up. Maybe at the mention of his mother, maybe because you called him baby.

Fuck

"Nurse huh. You were always so good at takin' care of me," He started.

"No one's spoken to me lke that in years. It's always so, anyway"

His thoughts must've been all over the place. His eyes darted all over the room, and his hands and legs were steady shakin.

"Come sit darlin'"

You hesitated. Not good no. Stay far away. Nurse. Patient.

"Okay." You smiled sitting next to him.

He leaned against the couch, still staring at me as I sat, this was the closest I've been to him in a long long time.

You looked him in the eyes, and you said something you'll probably regret.

"Don't die on me, okay?"

He pulled you by the arm and wrapped you in a warming hug. The sweat was something you just kind of had to overlook, God you had missed this man.

Somehow this simple gesture made you forget what happened all those years ago.

"I'll take a break. Just for a while, get back on my feet I suppose," He slurred into your shoulder.

You rubbed circles into his back, waiting for him to finish.

"On one condition. You let me kiss you darlin'" He said as he gently pull away.

Your face heated up immediately, like clockwork.

Before you could even think you nodded, and he took hold of your jaw.

His lips were chapped, but full. Just like you remembered.

``````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````

part two is up :)

[goldenroutledge]

hiii! could you please write 26 & 27 from list b and with rafe?

mad at you

pairing: rafe cameron x reader

wc: 1.2k

prompt(s): “Are you angry...?” and “I wish I could be angry at you.”

a/n: of course you can babes! im sorry it took so long for me to get to it. i have a hard time writing blurbs for some reason lol. thanks so much for the request :)

rafe masterlist

© goldenroutledge , do not copy, steal, or translate my work

The destruction left from Hurricane Agatha was going to need all the help it could get in order to have a clean island again. So of course being the kind and helpful soul you are, went around with Sarah to help some neighbors out and attempt to make yourselves useful.

You weren’t aware of where your boyfriend and his friends were, urging him to get up and help too but Rafe was a late sleeper. It was no use. You practically gave up on trying to wake him up and had been productively working for hours along with Sarah.

“Excuse me?” A younger girl called out, causing you to turn around. You looked down to see her, kneeling down to her height. “Can you help me find my stuffed animal please?” She asked shyly.

“Oh, sure! Do you remember where you left it last?”

“Our boat. But it’s all the way down there.” The girl pointed to the boat on it’s side, near a beam that had fallen during the storm.

After inspecting the scene for a moment you decided if you were careful you’d be fine. The girl had such a sad look on her face and you couldn’t turn her down. Sarah followed you, telling you she’d distract the others from panicking. The last thing you needed was to make a big scene and accidentally get electrocuted.

You put a foot out to test the sturdiness of the beam, asking the girl what her stuffed animal looked like before fully stepping on. “She’s my elephant. She has a trunk and blue ears.” She informed. You nodded, making your way onto the beam carefully and avoiding the wires wrapping around it. “Be careful of electricity!”

“Don’t worry, I’ll be okay.” You insisted confidently. You were so focused in fact, you didn’t notice your boyfriend and friends make their way towards you.

They still kept their distance, chatting amongst themselves before Kelce caught their attention. “Hey, isn’t that Y/n up there?” He pointed in your direction.

“What the hell is she doing?” Topper inquired.

Rafe ripped his sunglasses off as he watched you wobble on the beam as you tried to keep your balance. “Y/n! What the hell are you thinking? Get down!” He bellowed, Sarah rolling her eyes at his command.

“Rafe, calm down. I’m an athlete, remember?” You shrieked playfully through a laugh.

Sarah kneeled beside the little girl, telling her you’d be fine and she’d have her stuffed elephant back in no time. “There’s 14,000 volts in those wires!” One of the neighbors called out nervously.

“You’re gonna get electrocuted, Y/n. Get down!” Rafe reprimanded, Sarah covering the little girl’s ears.

“Shut up, Rafe! You’re scaring her!” She scolded her brother, referring to the worried girl shielding her eyes away from you.

“Little fried Y/n.” Kelce jested, receiving a glare from Topper to cut it out. If Rafe wasn’t so worried about you, Kelce would’ve heard it from him.

You moved closer to the boat, spotting the stuffed animal inside at the bottom. “I see her!” You announced to the girl. She clapped her hands excitedly, anticipating to see her elephant again. You also caught sight of the disconnected wires, letting out a sigh of relief to yourself that you didn’t have to worry about them. But your mind had a better idea, smirking to yourself at the thought of scaring the shit out of everyone. Rafe especially.

The rest of the people around you couldn’t peel their eyes away as they watched, before they broke out into commotion as you dramatically fell and shook in the boat. You let out a chilling scream, collapsing and letting your body go limp.

“Y/n!” Rafe yelled, voice wavering as he ran over to the boat. The boys and Sarah followed, the little girl also screaming in fear once you hit the boat. “Y/n?” He repeated, more anxiously this time, making his way as close as he could without touching the wires himself.

While your boyfriend demanded that Topper call 911, you sat up quickly, holding up the stuffed animal in victory. “Gotcha!”

Everyone’s jaws dropped, as they all sighed in relief at the fact that you were alive and unharmed. Rafe closed his quickly, face dropping as he backed away in shock. Kelce and Topper broke out into laughs, just as surprised that you would play such a prank.

“They’re disconnected!” You noted, swinging around the wires in your hand jokingly. “Rafe, you should see your face!” You teased, standing up and making your way back to the land. “Absolute sucker!”

As everyone was laughing, Rafe took off his backwards baseball cap, throwing it to the ground with force and mumbling curses under his breath.

“She got you, man.” Kelce let out through laughs. “Congrats, pussy. You’re officially her bitch.” He added. Rafe tugged at his dirty blond hair, glaring at you with a pissed off expression.

You high fived Topper and Kelce as they praised you for your bravery. “Lighten up, baby. It was just a joke.” You reminded Rafe.

“Yeah? Well it wasn’t fucking funny.” He spat, crossing his arms over his chest, turning around and walking back towards the houses.

“What’s that about?” You asked the boys at Rafe’s annoyance and pouting.

They shook their heads and shrugged. “Don’t know. He was fine earlier.” Topper stated.

“I think he’s just pissed at your little prank. That shit was funny, though.” Kelce gushed, regaining his composure from the previous laughing fit.

“I better check on him.” You sighed. “Never meant to make him mad.” You told them regretfully, following Rafe’s path.

He didn’t turn around when you called his name a time or two. You had to jog to catch up with him, jumping in front of the boy before he could go any further. “Rafe? What’s wrong?”

“What the hell were you thinking, Y/n? Why do you do scary shit like that?” He admonished.

“The wires were disconnected, Rafey. It’s fine.” You countered, reaching out to wrap your arms around his waist before he moved away from your grasp.

“Don’t ‘Rafey’ me right now. I thought you died.” He muttered angrily, just loud enough for you to hear. He looked down at the grass to avoid your eye contact, the blue eyes that you could’ve sworn were clouding with tears.

“Oh, baby.” You cooed, reaching to cup his face and make him look at you. “I’m sorry I scared you. I didn’t mean to.” You apologized. “Are you angry...?”

He didn’t say anything else, pulling you into his bone-crushing embrace as he held on for dear life. “I wish I could be angry at you.” He spoke into your hair, letting a tear slip out and down your neck. “Please never scare me like that again, okay?”

“Ok, Rafey. I’m sorry.” You conceded.

“It’s alright, angel. I’m glad you’re okay.” He admitted, kissing your forehead but still holding you close to him.

“Aside from the gnarly bruise forming on my arm right now, yeah. I’m okay.” You quipped, relaxing in his embrace. “Totally worth it, though. Looks like you’re stuck with me.”

He chuckled at your attempt to lighten the mood, shaking his head. “You’re crazy.”

“Crazy for you, country club.”

a/n: lol i like this one a lot. let’s not talk about the fact i’m still working on the valentine’s day blurbs ok thanks. also lets pretend barry didn’t give rafe the nickname country club ok i thought it’d be cute

taglist: @ilovejjmaybank @missevi @nxsmss @cameronsrafe @msgorillagripcoochie @bibliophilewednesday @tovvaa @freddymaybank @annab-nana @babeyglo @sunsetholland @moniamaybank @outerbankspreferences @laneybobeczko-g @jjpouggues @j-j-may-bank

rafe taglist: @vintageobx @givetaylorherscarfbackjake @drewstarkeysbitchh

[closhelby]

Black Hand.

Fandom: Peaky Blinders

Pairing: Tommy Shelby x Reader

Warnings: usual Peaky shit

Prompt: none bar the scene itself.

Word Count: 1,796.

Author note: wrote this three fucking times I’m at my wits end! Unsure to make this into a few parts.

——

Y/N woke again, at the crack of dawn, rolling over checking her watch, 5.36AM. This was the usual for her, since leaving Birmingham she could barely sleep past 6am, since the breakdown of her marriage.

It was Christmas morning, the first she was spending with only one of her two children. Charlie, y/n’s eldest son was spending his Christmas with his father this year, since splitting y/n and Tommy regularly had sex behind her boyfriends back, and then she fell pregnant, with her now two year old Harry. However, Tommy wasn’t aware of this child being his, and as far as everyone else was aware it was Roberts child.

Y/n rolled out of bed, and began to wash and get ready for the day ahead. She sat at her dressing table, thinking, as she did regularly, how it would’ve been if they didn’t spit. There was still very clearly tension there, sexual especially. Due to this, y/n cut all interaction with Tommy, whenever they needed to talk over Charlie, she would get nanny’s and maids to travel with him.

Just finishing her makeup, finishing her all off with a spritz of perfume and putting on her watch, which now shown it as 6.56am. Y/n went downstairs, starting to make herself a cup of tea when she was startled with the letterbox chattering as the postman put today’s Mail. She moved over to the door, bending over to pick up the letters, opening the first one to reveal a white card with a black hand on the front.

“Fuck!” Y/n’s heart started beating at a rapid rate, she knew that this meant kill or be killed. She needed to get her and Harry out of there ASAP. They weren’t far behind and they already knew where she lived. She ran back upstairs, grabbing overnight bags and stuffing them with her most valuable items and clothes she could possibly wear before doing the same for Harry. All while trying to be as quiet as she could because she didn’t want to wake Rob.

Y/n ran from the house to the car sat on the front drive, she didn’t even bother to ask a driver. She was going alone. Leaving alone. Without an explanation. Despite the severity of the situation, this was brewing for a long time. The current relationship was a cover up. Y/n accepted the fact that the only man she will ever love will remain Thomas Shelby, and she knew it would be the same for him. And I think that’s why they both didn’t file for a divorce.

Quickly packing the car with things she may need for herself and Harry, she ran back upstairs to collect the sleeping boy from his bed and placed him into the front seat of the car. He continued to sleep throughout the car ride, back to Small Heath. Y/n knew Tommy like the back of her hand, she knew that everyone that is associated with the Shelby name would have been dealt a black hand, and knew the only place they could possibly be safe would be in the polluted streets of Birmingham.

Turning the car onto Watery Lane, as all those childhood memory’s flooded back. From when she ran about with John as a kid, to when her and Ada would get into trouble together in her early teens, all the way to building a large profitable business with her husband, all came flooding to her. A rush of emotion, clearly visible on her face as the car came to a halt outside the once betting den. Y/n rarely had any emotion showing, only Tommy would see that in the many nights they spent alone, but that was the same for both of them. They acted tough to everyone else but vulnerable for each other. The bond they had, partners in crime, was admired, despite them both being gangsters.

Tommy was very clearly heartbroken from the downfall in their relationship, he also believed that y/n was the only woman for him in the long run. But the only way he felt that he could get over that was her under someone else. He turned to Lizzie on the regular, and as y/n still kept in contact with Ada, she knew about this. Y/n was very alike Tommy in this sense, if she needed to find something out, it would always come her way, weather she needed to look for it or not. Ultimately they shared a child together, technically two, but there was still so much love there between the both of them.

“Fucking hell,” y/n muttered before kicking in the door that stood before her. Her two year old son clutching to her chest, still fast asleep as she walked towards the family she still loved dearly. Pol loved her, loved her like her own, but they both had a similar trait, they never backed down. And sometimes like Tommy, they would argue for days on end.

Y/n stood before the table, where all but Tommy sat before her. She quickly scanned the room, noticing a blonde woman, she knew was Linda, but hadn’t met was looking at her with a very foul face on her. Ada on the other hand was smiling, excited to see her best friend after years of being away. Tommy standing to her left, eyes wide wondering why his wife was stood before him, in small Heath, with a young child in her hand.

Pol broke the silence first, “What the fuck are you doing here? Tommy tell ya?”

“No however, since you know, I find out absolutely anything I need to,” y/n spoke directing a foul look to Lizzie who was stood over in the corner, “I have also been dealt a black hand.”

There was a mutter of fuck sakes throughout the room, as they realised this was a bit more real than before. Tommy then started to talk about the issue at hand.

“Why are you starting when Johns not here?”

The room fell cold, distant and all eyes were trying to avoid hers. But Tommy wasn’t, he didn’t avoid her gaze as y/n turned to look at him. He very rarely lied to her, he simply couldn’t get away with it if anything, y/n found out everything.

“Fucking ‘ell Tommy, tell me!”

“John was killed this morning, on his front door step infront of his wife.”

Tears started to form in the once emotionless woman, the room felt as though it was caving in on them. Her legs felt heavy, like she could collapse to the ground at any moment, but her head felt light. She quickly muttered to Tommy, handing the baby over, stumbling back to process what she had just been told. John was before all this, they were best friends since they were about 4. They went all throughout school together, and because y/n dad had passed before he could walk her down the isle, John did.

“Those fuckin’ bastards! Christmas Day! Im going to fucking kill them myself,” y/n screamed in frustration.

“She won’t cope well with this,” Ada spoke quietly enough that the table could hear but y/n couldn’t. Ada approached her, giving her a soft cuddle of comfort. Y/n didn’t cry, she didn’t cry infront of anyone. But she was very close today.

She composed herself, breathing out before standing up, “why did I have to marry into this shit?”

“Why haven’t you divorced him?”

Ada knew the answer, she always had.

They both moved back over to the table, Ada returning to her seat while y/n stood by Tommy’s side. He still stood there holding his own child, without the knowledge of it. He continued to speak about the issues they were currently facing with Luca Changretta, but y/n wasn’t even listening to what he was saying, simply zoning out to how weird her life was. She’s looking at the love of her life while they’re no longer together, holding their second son that he has no clue about.

“Y/n?”

Her head quickly shot up following the direction of the voice. Arthur.

“Hm?”

“Peace or truce?” Tommy spoke.

“Peace”

“Very well. Six peace, two truce.” He quickly handed Harry back over to y/n before heading back upstairs. The group got up and left to do their own thing, while Ada sat at the table waiting for the catch up that was well needed between them both.

“Two seconds, I’m just gonna put Harry up to bed.” Ada nodded in response as y/n made her way upstairs to put Harry to bed. She opened the door to find Charlie sleeping in the small bed, leaning over to put Harry at the back of him, giving both of them a peck on the cheek before turning to see Tommy in the door way.

“Your new boyfriend is the dad? But your not married to him?”

“No I’m not married to him.”

“So you had a child out of wedlock?”

She sighed. She wasn’t going to lie to him anymore, there was enough damage and if she knew she would have to spend the next few months living with him, she needed to get it out there as soon as possible.

“No, I’m married.”

“yes, to me.”

Y/n walked over to him, pulling him into the room and closing the door behind him, aware of the fact this house was full. He took a seat on the small chair in the corner, while y/n stood slightly back from him.

“Remember that last fuck we had. Before I refused to see you.”

He nodded.

“I refused to see you because I was pregnant, and I knew it was yours.”

“Fuck sake y/n.” Tommy spoke, running his hands through his hair.

The room then went silent. The two of them not knowing what to say next, for the first time in years they were speechless.

Y/n decided to break it, “He knows. Rob knows he’s not his, he can see it, but it’s never been mentioned. Harry also knows who you are, I’ve shown him pictures of you that I have.”

Tommy stood up abruptly, making his way over to her. His hands wrapped round her waist as he pulled her closer to him. Y/n was looking, and clearly getting lost in his blue eyes. Tommy leaned in to her, their lips meeting softly,y/n began to kiss back. The feeling this was what they both had longed for. Both of them having sex with others that meant absolutely nothing to them. The bedroom door swings open to reveal Finn stood there, his mouth hung wide.

“A - Ada’s wondering where you are?”

Y/n smiled before pulling out the embrace, muttered a thanks then proceeded to go downstairs. She turns round as she’s on the third stair down, “don’t say a thing Finn,”