#gonna tag it just to be safe tho
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part 3 of warriors headcanons, this time with trauma, while trying to figure out how to word it all other then cia and war bad
i dont think warriors home life is bad per say but its not great either, hes a nobles child yes, but his parents and older sister died when he was young and so his uncle took over the family, and he already had two sons older then warriors, so technically there was no need for him any more, and while they didnt treated him horribly, it was no secret they didnt want him there either, it was his uncles goal to marry him off as quickly as he could to a different family. this is something that warriors thinks is the only thing he has going for him since hes been told for years by his uncle and cousins that his beauty is all hes worth(hes actually very smart and talented but they dont want to encourage confidence)
however when warriors is 15 the king made a new decree stating all families, noble or otherwise must send a child of 16 or older to join the military exceptions only for one child households or those unable to, warriors uncle saw this as an opportunity to get his unwanted nephew out of his hair not have to see him until he was marrying age(20 in my headcanon for this era). to keep up the pretense that he cared about his nephew, he arranged for him to live at the family estate in castle town in his free time from the army,
so warriors is sent to castle town to join the army the week he turns 16, hes has maybe 2 months of training before the war starts and hes thrown into being a captian with no experience, an older superior officer is assigned to to train him in everything he needs to know about helping to run a military in war time and to speed run his sword training. this particular superior officer unfortunately does not like warriors and his jump in the ranks or his natural talent with the sword. this officer only last a few weeks as either impa or artemis caught the man trying to take advantage of warriors, hes demoted very quickly and sent to the front lines where hes killed. impa herself takes over warriors training as now she and artemis dont trust anyone else to not try the same thing
starting by saying fuck cia i hate her and im not going into to much detail so use your imagination. unfortunately i do think that she was able to set a trap that was effectiveand that she did get her hands on him for a few weeks or even months before he was rescued, warriors deeply regrets the pride and arrogance and feeling of being invincible that got him caught, and is very careful not to let it happen again
due to the one superior officer and the fact i dont see the traitors stopping on the battle field and that there were several assassination attempts weather by poisoning or other ways, it has left a lot of trust issues, and yes he does heal from this but it does take time, and does show itself again when meeting/traveling with new people, ie the chain it does take him at least a few months to be be able to sleep and not wake up at the slightest of noise, to stop watching every movement made when someone is cooking, to trust being able to take food from them if he didnt see where it came from, to trust having his back turned towards them
he also has claustrophobia due to being trapped in a bottle by the great fairy, honestly this one is very self explanatory, hate being in small enclosed spaces
he honestly does have a lot of insecurities, ones i hope ive been able to sprinkle throughout all of my post, do let me know of theres things you would like more on and i can certainly try to find the words for it,
on a higher note to leave off on i think wind was in the war before the lu adventure solely for the reason i think he and time acting like siblings and warriors thier exhausted parent is hilarious, no one believes wind when he claims time was the one that pulled a pank, and warriors is in the background unnoticed by all except those two giving them the mom look(you know the one)
#lu#linked universe#lu warriors#linked universe warriors#ezzie rambles#this boy can hold so much trauma#save him from me#anyway cia and war bad#i dont like like cia and never will sorry not sorry#honestly i think i made her worse#again i think ive read to much manhwa#sorry if some things are so vagues i just dont feel like thinking of names and rank for these people at the moment#cw: sa#cw: sa mention#okay this wasnt as bad as i thought it was gonna be#gonna tag it just to be safe tho#i do have a draft in the works going more in depth about my timeline and his family situation#also i need to posting so late at night
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just a few javieran horse headcanons because i like them a normal amount
branwen
- tall AND fat. kieran makes sure he’s always fed (maybe even accidentally a teensy bit overfed. just because kieran can’t help but indulge him when he butts him with his head or nuzzles at his pockets when he knows there’s treats in there. but never too much because ‘obesity is a problem, even in animals !’). probably about 17hh, taller than average for a kentucky saddler but nothing too big. especially since kieran himself is quite tall
- VERY well-tempered, both naturally, as well as because kieran has literally made him bulletproof. bagged him, blanketed him, stood, jumped, backflipped onto and off of him. this kindly gentleman of a horse only spooks when he wants to be bratty specifically.
- i think he’s about 6 or so, came from the stables kieran worked at after being orphaned, he was just a colt when kieran was just a kid. kieran learned how to birth foals quickly, and branwen happened to be one of them. with the way that they fell in love with each other and the way that branwen whinnied and pranced up to the fence when kieran came back to buy him after the army didn’t work out, you’d think that horse was born just for him.
- his favourite treats, in order, are rutabaga (kieran’s secret for branwen’s glossy coat. also why he’s kinda fat.), boiled potatoes mixed into his oats, apples, and fresh greens. he’s simultaneously incredibly easy to please because of the simplicity of the latter parts of his favourites list and also very needy and complicated because kieran so loves to make his pony happy with his absolute favourite treats, so he tries his very best to get branwen’s eccentric tastes pleased once falling into the VDL’s.
- i always say “a horse’s favourite thing to do is hurt itself”, and i think this statement holds relatively true for branwen as well, though there’s a 25% chance that he’s actually hurt, a 50% chance that he’s only mildly injured or spooked and he’s playing it up to get kieran to dote on him, and a 25% chance that he will protect kieran with his life when they’re in a dire situation (see: snake on the ground or gunfire nearby. or even god forbid a spare tumbleweed find it’s way rolling nearby.) despite kieran’s last wish being his horse getting injured. branwen thinks that he’s gotta be The Man and protect his dad sometimes. it does not help in any situation ever whatsoever.
- branwen is the PERFECT companion for a trail riding date. he’s settled, calm, has a great gait, and as a gelding, truly is not worried about other horses being “faster” than him, so he never gets rowdy nor has any problems when partner riders/horses crowd him. kieran is allowed to ask for as many kisses as he pleases because branwen will never jump when javier’s gold-tipped boots poke him in the side and boaz irritatedly flicks his flank with his tail. truly a goated wingman. also never complains about long rides, and enjoys being out of camp with his rider for as much as physically possible for both of them, so he’s never barnsour in either direction.
boaz
- as an american paint, he’s naturally short and stocky. saddle ends up being a bit loose, though, as javier isn’t as dedicated to keeping him perfectly fed or groomed. he loves him, sure, but horses are somewhat of tools to him, so he kinda does slightly more than bare minimum to keep him kempt and healthy. around 14.5hh, slightly shorter than average and quite dense with muscle
- temperamentally a bit volatile. this horse has just as much drama as his rider, if not a little more. doesn’t like something ? ridden too long ? that stick looks too much like a snake ? hasn’t spent enough time with kieran that day ? he will snort and grunt and bunny hop if javi isn’t on him, and shudder hard enough the saddle shakes underneath him if he is. boaz likes to please his rider, but he also demands pleasure himself, and has no issue with “accidentally” placing a hoof on his owners nice, intentionally clean boots, and subsequently slowly leaning more and more of his weight onto it when he doesn’t immediately get what he wants. bratty pony. generally, he keeps javier safe, though, when it comes down to it.
- around 5 years old. after dutch found javier trying to steal chickens the first time they met, he soon took him back to that ranch and their first take as gang leader and member was a 1 year old grey paint colt for javi to train and subsequently ride. until he was rideable, javier rode a morgan that was formerly hosea’s, named carolina, while he lead boaz everywhere behind him.
- favourite treats, in order, are corn cobs (especially dried), prickly pear fruit AND cactus, sugar cubes, and sliced apples. will force javier to share his maiz with him. javier has always sliced his apples up since he was a colt, not only because javi simply finds comfort in toying with his knife, but also because boaz will not eat them otherwise. javi will also cut all of the spines off of the cactus before letting boaz eat them.
- in terms of injury, boaz is the most dramatic tank on the planet. this horse could arthur morgan-style run face first into a tree and then fall off a cliff and walk it off. but not before he gimps and limps and whines and teeth grinds his way into javier leading him instead of riding him for the next mile or two. once kieran started taking care of him, there is also a 25% chance of boaz faking a terribly painful injury just to get kieran to dote on him.
- kinda the worst wingman ever LMFAO easily annoyed, easily aroused, easily offended, and as a stallion, HAS to walk in front of the “herd” (his rider’s boyfriend and his horse). pins his ears back, smashes into personal space, flicks branwen with his tail (and preferably kieran, if he can reach him) even sometimes will nip at branwen if the latter tries to calmly make this date a date and not a life or death race (whoever loses, their dad is gay) and walk side-by-side to aid their riders’ hand holdings. will make executive decisions via stopping or veering off for fresh green grass beside the trail, will at points actively attempt to shudder javier out of his saddle (has succeeded once when javi was distracted by a story being excitedly told by kieran), and will also spook and take off running so fast javier thinks it must have broken his neck from the velocity. generally makes trail rides a living hell, but kieran finds it charming, and it makes for some cute shoujo-style “omg … *reaches out to help you up after your horse bucks you off because he saw a log that looked nothing at all and everything like a cougar and pink and white soft bubbles surround me* are you okay ? here, let me help.” moments. maybe some day boaz will be allowed off of the national american terrorist list written by javier “rizzless rider” escuella
ok im tired and that’s all i can think of please enjoy and feel free to contribute 👍 i love them so bad im gona cry
#i’m at the gym for the first time since my od and ouugghh i’m so emotional#it’s 2am aslo. ouu they haunt me#i love thinking about them being silly little domestic cowboys#and just going on dates and riding their little horsies#my fav horse girls !1!!11!1!1!! even tho javi isn’t a horse girl really but in my heart he is cuz kieran loves trail rides#and so javieran go on trail rides a lot as well as “’riding into town’ as an excuse to get out of camp together#javier is so good at listening he truly learned the art of shutting up when he couldn’t speak english and also was learning in america that#he really should trust sparingly because the new world was so incredibly hostile to him from the start simply for being who he was and where#he came from#so he’s such a great active listener and while it’s kinda a trauma response it also works very well for javierans relationship because kiera#has never in his life ever felt important or safe or like anything he said mattered to anyone so perfect brilliant ‘i’m listening go on’ jab#vier makes kieran feel so loved and heard in ways he’s never ever in his life experienced and javi takes them fishing and riding and to the#stables constantly because he’s LISTENED to kieran and kieran never has to ask to do something he wants to do because javi’s already HEARD h#im (and he also knows kieran would never ask for anything first ever because he never feels like he deserves anything at all. nor even feels#safe enough to dare).#and javier gets his cake and eats it too when kieran asks and asks and asks because kieran cares about EVERYTHING right from the getgo beau#se unlike javier kieran has been entirely unable to turn his heart off at all in any capacity so he loves and loves ans loves against his wi#ll so javier has been so adored from the start because kieran can’t HELP it so he gets him gifts and learns things for him and javi just as#much never has to ask for much other than courage from kieran. ever. can anyone hear me is anyone lidtening ouuu#ok enough sorry they make me so emptipnal#rdr2#red dead redemption 2#javieran#kieran duffy#javier escuella#text#hero's talking to himself again#hero’s waxing poetry again#i think that was the tag ¿#im gonna throw up i miss them so bad they’re everything to me oouuggyuuuy
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How the RoR Gods are in canon: We would never date a mortal, they're so beneath us!
Fanfic Writers: *insert John Cena Meme* ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT??
#TAG UR FAVORITE GOD THAT U KNOW IS GONNA FALL IN LOVE WITH U BC UR BUILT DIFFERENT.#*be culturally respectful tho*#NO BUT SRSLY: LOVE WILL DRAG THEM KICKING AND SCREAMING IDC.#PLOT TWIST: THEY WOULD FALL IN LOVE WITH A MORTAL. IT JUST DEPENDS ON HOW LONG IT'LL TAKE OKAY.#record of ragnarok x reader#HERCULES AND BUDDHA STANS ARE SAFE THO TBH.#BUT POSEIDON STANS I'M PRAYING U CAN FIX HIM#HERMES I NEED TO WRITE FOR HIM MORE BUT TBH I ALSO THINK HE WOULDN'T MIND#DATING A HUMAN
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hey guys (said through tears) just dropping in w a wip after the new ep yk how it is hahahaha
doing just right peachy rn. yep.
#dndads#more of moth#piece is a wip so i’m almost hesitant about posting it but i also need to share my agony#this isn’t really episode spoilers ??? it has nothing to do with the actual contents of the new ep#it was inspired by smthn said in chat during the live listen !#i’ll tag anyways just to be safe#dndads spoilers#my art#not gonna go all out on tags tho cause. wip yk.
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sorry (?)
#FF16#FF16 spoilers#dkfhjgjdfhg just to be safe considering I did guessed that twink is gonna be odin's horse since I saw him in the demo#barnabas tharmr#sleipnir harbard#glad that i guessed right tho bc its so fucking funny#(MAJOR SPOILERS IN THE TAGS)#considering hes an egis made by barnabas I have so many questions bc#he couldve made any dude#but he made a fruity ass twink to become his stead#and he can CLONE HIMSELF??#i wanna know what barnabas is thinking so bad#bacons art
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Bruce and Cassie + •-•
Bonus w Arthur
#mc: cassie#mc: bruce#ship: cassie and bruce#srpats#re: arthur#i think thats the least filled tag of hers that i can also use to find on my blog later so#mine.#i should put it in my cr*cksh*ps tag so I can find it but i dont want just anyone rbing it#lit the only reason i post them here anyways is bc random spam blogs WILL rb them tho so#also if anyone rbs this and tags b*tj*kes i will block fyi 8)#@ jessie i took liberty w the earlier scene w makeup bc even tho its not the right makeup.. its on his face#and it was the closest to the right expression i could get kbye#blood cw#clown cw#kinda#i was gonna have arthur in the drawing on the floor one as a 'dear god theyre both doing it no floors are safe' thing#then.... it was too many frames#im only at sixteen tags but i think#actually if i go over 20 tags i cant even find them in my own tags now#bc tumblrs update is stupid#but of course it is#why would tumblr have rizz#the autie rizz shown here is still more than tumbs has#crackships#maybe it'll work i doubt it tho
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german bureaucracy is proof that true evil does exist
#too much to even type out a rant in the tags so until tumblr invents voicemails youre all safe#but anyways does anyone wanna hang out in oslo on friday since now im gonna hang out there all day with nothing to do bc my#appointment at the embassy is fucking POINTLESS now :))))#so many things about this but also a) how hard do you think it can be to find the birth registry entry of one (1) ☝️ person?#whatever your answer is - triple it#and then put on extra time bc even though youre searching for the BIRTH registry. somehow said person having moved away makes the task#sooooooo much harder bc even tho you have the full birth date + name + hospital and everything. somehow you still search by the current#address of the person???? yeah.#and then it will also take another week to send an email to said person saying hey we found your entry but you didnt pay for shipping so#please pay extra!#which okay fair. ill pay shipping.#next question: how expensive do you think it is to send one (1) ☝️ sheet of paper from germany to norway?#just the one.#the answer is 30€#APPARENTLY#what on EARTH are you using to ship it??? is miss merkel personally delivering it via private jet??? hello????????#anyways. ANYWAYS. 🙂#mamy more things going wrong 🙂 and since i dont have all the required paperwork for the appointment now i might as well not even go like.#really what is the point bc they say on their homepage that if you dont have all the papers then nothing will be done.#so :)#guess i will just. walk around oslo all day and drown my sorrows in falafel 👍🏻
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I'm so captivated by his . Everything.
#if you told me a year ago that I would be madly in love with him. i wouldn't believe you#I'd probably be asking who the fuck are you and why are you talking to me about Spider-Man. I'm trying to not be homeless rn#fun times...#anyways#ya know what time it is? that's right babes. TAG RAMBLE!!!!!#sorry new folks (there's like. 40+ new guys here who now get to see what happens when i get too ... idk. what would you call this?)#back on track#i would like to hold his hand please and thabk you#i think they'd be very warm. which i need right now. because mine are fucking FREEZING#god he is just beautiful#his smile. i have better pictures of it#but. it's always so cute. regardless of image quality#i have many not safe for work thoughts in my mind rn but I'm so fucking tired.#will be saving them for another evening i guess#simple tags tonight. you new folks are safe for now...#GONNA ADD THIS AT THE END THO#THOSE PRETTY BROWN EEEYYYYEEEESSSSSSSS#aaaaAAAAHAHAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!HAHSLAOKAOQHDBDOSOWBDKX#💖💖💖💖LOVE LOVE LOVE THEM💖💖💖
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GORGEOUS case bro I've never seen one with a continuous design like that and the embossment itself is so tasteful... always happy to see Mr. Dunkulous too <3
ALSO AYO YOU WATCHED MONDAY? How was it? Either way you're almost done with the Sabu Tsutsumi catalogue then... that's epic... I'm glad you liked Destiny too, it really is such a cute movie
Also I'm pretty sure PS4 preloads are open too BUT I'm still salty Xbox gets it a day early </3
Its one of the first designs i ran into while looking up wallet cases LMAO lucky me me thinks…. Its very pretty <3 mr dunkulous here to stay and keep me company lest i totally lose my mind <3<3
AND I DID i mentioned so durin stream yesterday ! i REALLY loved it, sabu keeps putting ttm in terrible situations and it makes me giddy seeing him panic 🥰 AND DESTINY WAS ADORABLE it was so cute….. really wholesome and what my soul needed….
OH PS4 PRELOADS OPEN ? Ill check it out when i get home later……. Why does xbox get it a day early thats rude me thinks…..
#snap chats#cancelling a post i was gonna make to bitch in the tags of this one <3#anyway on this day this monday we remember the words of our king ryuji goda#A Real Man Oughta Be A Little Stupid DO YALL WANNA KNOW HOW MAD I AM.#HOW I JUST SPENT A FRACTION OF MY FOOD MONEY ON A STUPID CARD#WHEN MY FUCKING ID WAS UNDEE MY TABLET. CAN YOU IMAGINE MY RAGE. MY ANGER.#I TORE UP MY ROOM ALL WEEKEND BUT NEVER THOUGHT TO CHECK UNDER MY FUCKIN TABLET#its a lilfunny….. im tryna make the most of it ok GODAMMIT IM SO MAD THO I CANT#$20 is like $5 in todays society everything is twenty fuckin dollars i cant live like this#at least my deadnames not on my id anymore… and it doesnt look like its falling apart ig…#STILL HAVE THIS TERRIBLE PHOTO AND ID RATHER BE DEADNAMES AND HAVE $20 THAN NOT HAVE $20#NO ONE TALK TO ME ANYWAY kinda funny. hang on.#at least i dont have to get a new sticker… i just scalpe the old one from my oher card.. lol… knife came in handy…#was leaving to Waste Twenty Dollars when i ran into one of my roommate’s boyfriend for the ninth time this semester#and we both clamber into the elevator and he like ‘ive seen you a lot lol so uhh whats your name :)’#and the struggle i had… do i say Aforementioned Dead Name do i say my Thinking Of Changing First Name do i say Last Name….#the safe answer is always last name so thats what i did but god i floundered..i stared at him for a second longer than i shouldve#today sucks. at least i dont have a night class today…#i’d stream y0 but streams dont go well when i stream them at 5#plus i have to work on a comm… ouugg lemme cap it here before i rant for thirty tags straight LMAO#anyway. love my new case. destiny was cute. angry jealous frog ttms funny and sad at the same time. monday made me giggle 🥴#this was a good post to make while making sure my cars battery didnt die LMAO ok bye <3
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#tag talk#I hate that my queue is posting so much right now. 25 a day is too many I think. I really wish I were down to 10-15 instead#but I've been living on tumblr so much until work starts so I've been seeing more art so I've been queuing up a ton#so I apologize but that's just how my blog is gonna run until I get busier irl again.#when I get busy living my real life I'll drop down to like 10 a day but until then my queue reflects my time spent here.#idk. it's nice to hit the point when I realize I don't have time to keep up with my dash anymore and I start unfollow lower priority blogs#but for now I'm way more active here until I can transition to finding in person activities#so yeah. deal with it I guess. Lotta new followers who have each followed me for wildly different things.#like.. sorry to all the cute furry art lovers. I'm trying to transition over to more body horror shit.#sorry to the body horror and Hannibal lovers. you still have to put up with cutesy furry art if you wanna stay here.#idk. we all contain multitudes. at least you can trust I won't be reblogging basic bitch meme shit#it's still always gonna be art shit on this blog. that at least has been consistent since 2015#what that art is? Who fucking knows. but it'll always be art in some form or fashion.#or educational shit. some of that too.#idk. my mind is a mess right now and my blog will reflect that. I am what I am. I try and communicate myself honestly and truthfully.#I try. that's the best I can do.#oh oh oh. my brother and I went for a walk along the train tracks and we met a guy trying to drive his car down the alley alongside it#he was stuck because there was a heap of tree trimmings piled in the middle of the alley so we helped him move them.#well. I helped him move them. my brother is a little more skittish than I am and didn't want to get his shoes muddy.#my brother is the kind of person to buy shoe protecting spray (which I didn't even know existed until he bought some this morning)#I don't give a shit. I've gotten concrete and mud and paint on my vans. he's too ocd for that tho.#anyway. poor guy was lost as hell. there's no road connecting to that alley for like.. at least three miles. I checked when we got back home#the trail was clear past the branches though so he got back on the road safely. but damn he was lost as hell.#I love frequenting alleys and bridges and washes because you see such interesting stuff.
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I FINISHED VEILGUARD AND NOW I’M GONNA THROW MYSELF AT THE FLOOR AND SCREAM
#no one talk to me i’m GRIEVING#yes i got the best possible ending. yes a character i love still died#veilguard spoilers#kinda. tagging just to be safe#[REDACTED] I MISS YOUUUU 😭😭😭#god at least the inquisitor is okay tho……. god i was so worried about him#esp after bull sent that ‘i love you please come home alive’ letter i was like ‘oh nooooo he’s not gonna survive is he’#BUT HE DID. ITS OKAY. someone else is very much not. BUT MY BOY IS#okay i feel like i’m far enough down + the spoiler warning#IT WAS HARDING 😭😭😭 SHE WAS LIKE MY FAVOURITE AFTER EMMRICH#I HELPED HER AND TAASH GET TOGETHER. TAASH LOST HER AND THEIR MUM#I FEEL SO BAD TOO. I PICKED HER TO BE THE OTHER TEAM LEADER BECAUSE I PICKED NEVE ON THE VERY FIRST QUEST#I DIDN’T WANT TO TURN HER DOWN TWICE#AND LOOK WHERE IT GOT HER. DEAD. MY GIRL#(saying all this. i’d still be grieving davrin like mad too. but something about her being one of the last dwarves in touch with the titans#REALLY makes it extra hurt)#(also watching taash loose their mum and then their girlfriend back to back like. actually broke me)#magnus posts#good game. solas i’m gonna peel your egg head. idgaf that you turned good eventually i’m still peeling
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my side acc on twitter being suspended would almost be funny since there really isn't anything that important in it since it's so new but it also makes me feel like a criminal and i dont want the JP artist who I sent a comment to to think I did anything bad, so ghsdfklfdfsgfkdslf unsuspend it right now!!!!!!!!
#i almost never talk on here but at least my main is safe#so i can still look thru my fave tags#the most functional site ever tho ffs#this is the funniest way to end the night but also annoying.....#never allowed to be excited about anything anymore huh 🙄#honestly i get the message tbh. never beating the allegations#i'll tone it down but i wont forgive these sites at all xD#i didnt even tweet that much today!!! wdf!!!#this is def gonna imprint itself in my psyche tho. im never being active again smh#bring me back to da or something or wcrpg i cant take it anymore (joking tone)#i WILL get annoyed as more time passes but im just gonna forget abt it now lmao
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it's been a while since - i'm gonna be working on re-setting up loaf's blog as i am once again falling back into op with a passion.
#tags tbt#it looks like someone grabbed my url for safe keeping when i dc'd#so i'm gonna try & reach out to see if they'll let me have it back#otherwise i may re-brand#i will also probably keep this blog v lowkey & easy for my sanity with my work load#gosh#u just can't say no to this rubber boi tho#op rpg#one piece rp
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(This is just an apology I owe someone I will probably never see again. Please ignore, I just needed to get it off my chest 16 years later. I'm not a good person, and I was very cruel as a teen.)
Hi. I'm sorry I wronged you. I treated you terribly when you gave me that letter. It was my fault, obviously. You were such a kind person to me, and we could have been great friends. You shot your shot, and that was totally normal and fair. I just want to explain why I reacted that way, because it was completely uncalled for.
I was living as a girl then, and had no idea that I had this trans man living inside me all along. I didn't know it, but my friendships with men felt so important and validating to me. I felt like I could be one of the bros without realizing that there was an actual personal reason why I needed that validation and mirroring. I guess, at the time, I would have chalked it up to 'daddy issues' from having a continually absent father figure,' which is incredibly reductive and dismissive, and was never genuinely my issue. I felt safe when it was me hanging out with some guys, especially when we often had more interests align which was rare to find in female friends. It's not easy being a kid into metal, alt fashion, art, and nerdy things, when you live in a rural small town where sports is considered the 'ideal' for teens. But you already know that. You lived it, too. You just didn't have the societal pressure to perform femininity, when you're not a girl, on top of it. ((But who knows, you could be a trans woman right now and struggling with your own issues from the other side, I really don't know you.))
But boy, did I PERFORM femininity. The metal scene wasn't the best inspiration for women. You had to be a hot sexy metal babe or you wouldn't get dick. No love for the androgynous women (except lesbians. Go lesbians, I love you.) At least that's what it felt like to 14-year-old me. I had to struggle with the fact that I wanted to look like the band members, not the women they were pictured with. I showed my hairstylist pictures of band men and short-haired Rihanna so I had at least one girl on there. I don't know where I'm going with this. I tried to do both perform the femininity, and doing small things to look more like the band guys I idolized, finding excuses to portray men in acting/roleplay/costumes. 'Because I had a crush on them, right?' No, because I wanted to BE them. Iwanted to be wanted as a man. Not as some metal babe. Being desired as a woman felt horribly invalidating, and I couldn't have ever explained why until now.
It's not a valid excuse, but I reacted that way because I felt safe around you. So safe. You were a dude, my bro, and I could be myself without feeling like I'm being 'tested' for performing human femininity like I did around girls. Like I walk into a room and everyone stops and glares at me. That's what I felt like, that hypervigilance, without knowing what that word meant. You were a good friend, kind, interesting, naturally attractive, and cool. I can't explain it, but it felt like betrayal when you gave me that letter. Suddenly, I was a 'love interest' and not 'fellow bro' and it hurt me so badly to believe that our friendship was built on you viewing me as a girl, not an equal. (That sounds absolutely horrible, I'm not implying that women are 'less," just that it made me feel like I was being unseen, that your feelings were for someone i was not.) I felt like our friendship was built on a lie. I felt disgusted at myself for reasons I didn't understand.
I reacted horribly. I wrote you that shameful e-mail in response. I tried burning that letter because I'm a dramatic hoe, but couldn't get the fireplace open, so I had to blow it out and instead melted and shredded it into the sink disposal. My mom came home and smelled the smoke and thought I was trying a cigarette. (I didn't try a single drug until I had a cigarette in fall of 2017, age 23.) Do we address the situation like an adult with calm words and ponder why we feel all these negative emotions, or do we SINK GO BRRRRRRRR DESTROY THE EVIDENCE?
14-year-old Cori go BRRRRRRRR, apparently.
I mean, I was a KID. Kids are mean as fuck.
It's no excuse, but I can look back on that now and say definitively that it was a result of not understanding my gender identity. I know I'm gay (not to mention, aro), but I did things counter to that, like have a phase of being a lesbian/bi/pan-preferring woman. if being attracted to women made me feel more butch and manly, then 'hey, look at that chick's thighs, bro…' I was gonna play it up.
Anyway, my point, discovering gender was like, literally taking off a suit of armour that never fit right because it was too small for me. I took off that suit of armour at age 19. It felt freeing to have no gender at all. I could do anything I wanted to find what fit me, trying on anything and everything. I finally found that fit in 2015. I'm a dude. This armour fits me perfectly now, and it flexes with my movement. But i still have the chafing and bruises from wearing the wrong armour for so many years.
I should have gently told you that I wanted to stay just friends. Instead, I was spiteful and mean for something that was my own fault. I refused to address my own gender problems, avoiding them entirely and dumping them onto you. I should not have been so immature as to do that and then entirely avoid you forever after.
So, I am deeply and truly sorry. I have regretted it every moment since I clicked 'send.' I hope you've entirely forgotten me by now. I hope you're doing well and still playing music and being your own creative self. I hope you're making mad bucks doing whatever the fuck you love. I'm sorry.
#an apology#reading 'pageboy' has me thinking of my gender again and wondering when my body knew i was trans before my brain?#apologies#gender identity#trans man#aromanic#just tagging so i can find it again on my blog eventually#but if you do read it feel free to judge me harshly im pretty sure my character is inherently evil so its valid to think im an asshole#might delete later tbh idk tho like i feel like i deserve to display my faults publicly to be mildly absolved#OBLIGATORY: 'DISCLAIMER: i'M HI (HIGH)' TAG#bc lmao im not gonna overshare otherwise lol idk why i get so verbose when im hi#Cori.exe#Post.exe#pls do ignore tho like damn i was awful#holy fuck ive eaten a ton of chocolates lmao need some serotopamine in this mf#i think getting hi and writing out pesonal shit like this lately has been very healing like its a safe way to think about life while buzzin#the drawbridge into my mind momentarily lowers#gelato really is the good shit#maybe ill write a book about how to not be a human
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i sometimes have really good ideas i wanna write, that are also part of my selfship, but because they’re with certain characters i instead start writing it then abandon it because god forbid i let anyone get the chance to be negative about something that makes me genuinely happy
#z.vents#the amount of albedo fics i’ve abandoned for this reason too#and so many others#usually i just info dump about it to snow tho and that is more than enough for me#like that’s my hype bestie!!#bc if anyone’s gonna hype up my selfships it’s 100% them 💖#i also know how certain people can be SO shitty about oc x canon#and i dont need that tbh#i have had people be mean to me in the past about certain ss’s and i fr haven’t touched it or thought about it in months bc of it#idk why im saying all this in the tags lmao#ig i feel a little safe on my blog for once#anywaysss delete later bc wtaf was this y’all
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alsooo sorry I deffo should've made a tag last night I was panicking
#okay mute tag→#drama#just for now idk#if you dont want to see *that* discussion#im probably not gonna post anything too much more about it tho just dnf discussion probs#but to be safe
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