#going through the five stages of grief as I type this but like stuck in the devastated one

[mazojo]

“You idiot we could’ve been us” moodboard

[andreafmn]

Collision - Chapter 13

Word Count: 3.1K

Story Description: (Y/N) Uley is back home after being away for four years. Her life is at its first standstill and she is taking this time to find out who she is without school. But she never thought that coming back to the reservation would turn her whole life around. In the midst of secrets and mystery, a man crashes into (Y/N)’s and her life will never be the same.

Chapter: 13/?

Dedicated to: @cecehensonn for commenting on that one post 💖

Warnings: more heartbreak

A/N: Sorry not sorry for this painful chapter 😅 It's not as heartbreaking as the last one, but I need to milk the angst and hurt from the "break-up." Reader will make some bad decisions soon enough, and y'all are gonna want the heartbreak back. 😬 Also, new character.

If you enjoy my writing I’ll also be posting them in AO3 and Wattpad along with other stories. You can request at any time any story or one-shot you desire. Hope you enjoy, and all constructive criticism is encouraged.

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Chapter 13

Nothing.

She felt nothing.

There had never been a time (Y/N) could not point out what she was feeling. With a vast understanding of the human psyche, she always knew the clinical term of every sentiment there was and could be — their variations and changes were all committed to her memory. But all she felt was overcome by a gut-wrenching void that took hold of her body. She found herself wishing for the pain she’d felt when Carlisle had first confessed he was a vampire. At least then she had felt something.

She had spent the night at Sam’s house, too distraught to go back home. (Y/N) knew she had fallen asleep on Paul, his warmth the only comfort she could possibly feel in such a confusing situation.

All through the night, her head kept replaying the five stages of grief — denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Once the list had ended it would start over again, engraving it in her brain over and over and over again. Her clinical training beat into her the steps she needed to take. But there was no one to take them with.

This kind of grief, she felt, was incomplete. Sure she had not believed Carlisle at first. She’d gone through some type of denial. Yeah, she was enraged at the fact that he left her like she meant less than nothing to him. She’d gone through anger — maybe still stuck there. But who was there to bargain with? He was gone. There was no denial anymore, she was not allowed that much. (Y/N) wanted at least to feel the overtaking sadness that depression would bring, but she simply felt nothing. And she’d already accepted that he was gone. He’d made sure she understood that much.

No one had taught her how to deal with this. How to deal with the culmination of a relationship with a centuries-old vampire that had promised her eternity together. A vampire that she had fallen completely in love with — her first love, her first kiss, her first… everything. Carlisle had given her everything and just as swiftly taken it away.

“(Y/N)?” Emily’s soft whisper rang through the room (Y/N) had somehow woken up in. “I made some breakfast if you want. I sent a text to your mom to let her know you’re okay.”

“Yeah, thanks,” she responded emotionlessly. “Is Sam back?”

“Yes, honey. He’s at the dining table.”

“Thanks. I’ll be right out.”

Emily clicked the door shut, leaving the girl once more to her thoughts. She noticed at the foot of the bed a change of clothes. Probably, Sam’s. They were some sweatpants and a T-shirt, a comfortable enough outfit for her. She changed out of the suffocating scrubs she wore, feeling them gripping her body harder than ever before.

Sam’s clothes almost hung off her body and she felt like a kid again. After their father had left suddenly, she’d taken to wearing the t-shirts he’d left behind to find some comfort in his absence. But these clothes still had their owner. He had not abandoned her — well, he’d come back.

With dragged feet, she made her way out into the kitchen where hushes were spread around. (Y/N) knew they’d heard her exiting the room and they had been talking about her. The Cullens leaving was the only thing anyone in the reservation could talk about, and unfortunately, the pack knew that involved her.

“There she is!” Jared exclaimed with a full mouth of food. But his face quickly fell with the burning gaze of everyone else at the table. “What?”

“How do you feel, (Y/N)?” Sam questioned, pulling out a chair for his sister. Somehow, she looked frail. He’d seen her sad before. Hell, he’d been the one to comfort her at six years old when their father left. But even then, she’d been different. Now, she looked fragile enough to break with a simple breath.

“Fine,” she responded. Everyone knew there wasn’t much more they’d get out of her. “Is there coffee?”

“Of course,” Emily smiled. “Sugar? Cream?”

“Two sugars, a bit of cream.”

“Alright.”

Emily placed a steaming mug in front of (Y/N), her signature beaming smile painted on her face. And where the girl would normally return the gesture, she couldn’t bring herself to even fake a smile. It was too exhausting to do so. So, she simply nodded.

“Why don’t we move to the living room, (Y/N)?” Sam whispered as he placed his hands comfortingly on hers. “The fire is already going, and it’ll be a lot warmer there.”

(Y/N) followed her brother, the hot cup between her frozen hands. She didn’t feel like talking – she didn’t feel much at all. But it was easier to simply follow what others told her. It was easier than doing whatever her brain was telling her to.

She sat next to Sam on the couch, curling into his side as he wrapped an arm around her. It was a strange sense of déjà vu. When they were little and (Y/N) had been sad, he would make her a cup of hot chocolate, sit her in front of the fire, and tell her stories until she fell asleep in his arms. And this moment was no different. She was sad, she needed comfort, and he would always be by her side.

“How’re you feeling, bean?” Sam asked her, using the name he’d called her when she was little. “I’m sorry I wasn’t here when you got here. Bella Swan got lost in the woods and the sheriff asked me to help look for her.”

“She must be heartbroken as well,” (Y/N) spoke, her voice barely a whisper and so full of pain. “I wonder how Edward ended things with her. It had to be awful if she wound up lost in there.”

“What happened yesterday, bean? I thought everything was going well,” he said. Worry was evident in his voice, the sound quivering and full of hurt. “I won’t lie,” he stated. “I am glad that the bloodsuckers are gone, but it pains me to see you like this. I thought he’d at least ask you to go with them.”

Quiet.

All she could do was remain quiet. That was the least he could have done. But he didn’t. He had thrown her away, discarded her like you would a used tissue. Carlisle had taken from her what he wanted and pushed her aside, without a real explanation or reason.

“Talk to me, (Y/N). Please,” Sam begged. “Tell me how you’re feeling – what you’re feeling. How can I make it better?”

“You can’t,” she sighed. A quiet sob escaped her lips and was only perceived by the adept ears of the supernatural. “No one can.”

“(Y/N)…” 

“Sam, I understand that you’re trying to help but you simply can’t, okay?!” (Y/N) didn’t know why she was yelling. Her frustrations were misdirected but she couldn't help how it came out. “He’s gone, okay?! He took what he wanted and left. I wasn’t good enough for him to stay and I wasn’t worth taking with him. And I was ready to give it all up. You, my friends, mom… everything. I had made the choice to spend the rest of eternity by his side.

So now I’m stuck here having to figure out who I am and what my future will look like without him in it. I will have to mend my own heart that continues asking when he is coming back. No one can make it better, Sam. Not even myself.”

She slammed the coffee mug on the table harder than she intended to, but she needed to get away. (Y/N) could feel the walls of the house closing in on her, squeezing every ounce of oxygen that was inside. She felt her lungs aching, grasping at any air left for her to breathe. But she simply couldn’t. Her eyes had welled up with tears once more and her eyes burned from the liquid.

(Y/N) was already tired of crying. She was tired of feeling her world collapsing in on itself. Of having to pick up the pieces of her life every few years.  It wasn’t fair. She was doing everything right and everything still went wrong.

Somehow, she had stumbled out of the house, Sam’s voice distant in her head. He was calling for her but she could not listen. She needed to go somewhere else, anywhere else. She kept stumbling down the road without a real destination in mind. Her vision was blurred from her tears and her breathing was difficult.

But as she came face to face with the chipped white door, she knew where her head wanted to go. So, she knocked.

“I can’t believe you forgot your keys,” Allison laughed before she opened the door. “Oh, (Y/N). Honey, what’s wrong?”

“He’s gone, mom,” she blubbered against her mother’s neck. “He left. He left me.” 

Allison had an inkling of who her daughter spoke of but made no move to extract any information. It was clear that (Y/N) was suffering from a broken heart, and she needed her mother’s comfort. She led the girl inside and sat them both on the couch, where she let (Y/N) cry to her heart’s content. She sat there running her hand through her daughter’s hair and drew circles on her back to try and console her child as best as she could.

The mother felt her daughter revert to the little girl that had her father walk out on her. The little girl that grew up too quickly, looking for the best education she could get to help out her mother. There in her arms, (Y/N) was broken. Merely a shell of who her daughter was.

When the girl drifted to sleep, Allison made a move for her phone, calling the only person that could have any idea of who had broken her daughter’s heart. And she hoped he would answer this one time. If not for her, for his little sister.

He did.

“Who did this to (Y/N)?” Her voice spoke softly through the phone, fearing she would wake her daughter. “She just came in here bawling her eyes out, muttering incoherences. She is completely heartbroken.”   

“It was that Cullen doctor. Carlisle Cullen,” Sam sighed. “How is she, mom?”

“She just fell asleep after crying for a good twenty minutes. She is drained,” Allison let out a strangled sob. “Why didn’t I know about this?”

“(Y/N) wanted to keep this a secret for some time. Avoid being the talk of the town until the relationship was more serious.”

“This looks very serious to me, Sammy. She’s so… sad.”

“She’s tough,” Sam stated. “I know she’ll come out stronger after this. She just needs some time.”

“I hope so.” Allison kept quiet for a few seconds. This was the longest conversation she’d had with her son in a long time that had not transfigured into a fight. It hurt that it took her daughter to have been broken up with to be able to hear his voice. “I miss you, Sammy,” her voice was barely a whisper. Almost like a thought that had slipped out. “I miss you a lot.”

“I know, mom,” he sighed. “I miss you too.”

“I just wish we could be a family again. Regardless of whatever happened in the past,” Allison said, hopeful. “(Y/N) needs you… I need you.”

“You know I can’t, mom.”

“Why not, Sam?! What could possibly be more important than being with your family?”

“I can’t talk about that, mom. I just can’t.”

“You always say that, but I am your mother. Whatever it is that you’re involved in, I am sure I could help you, son.”

“Please, just drop it. I’ve told you many times that I can’t.”

“Fine. Goodbye, Sam.”

“Bye, mom,” he said resignedly.  

“Don’t fight with him, mom,” (Y/N) croaked as her eyes fluttered open. “He has enough on his plate.”

“I’m sorry, darling,” Allison sighed as she ran her hand through her daughter’s hair. “Do you want to talk about it?  About the doctor?”

“You know.” It wasn’t a question. It was clear that her mother knew who had taken her heart and broken it into a million pieces. “Sam told you?”

“I had my suspicions early on,” her mother clarified. “You were spending so much time between the hospital and the Cullen’s house; it didn’t take long to connect the two dots. But, sweetheart, what happened last night? You seemed so happy these couple of months.”

“I was only a distraction it seems,” (Y/N) let out a soft sob. “I thought I had found the person I would share a future with. Instead, he left the second things got hard. History had a way of cruelly repeating itself, huh?”

 “Oh, honey. I’m so sorry.” Allison hugged her daughter tight, guilt washing over her body. She knew the situation had not been her fault, but she couldn’t help but feel that her daughter’s taste in men had been hereditary. “Is there anything I can do for you? Anything to make things better.”

“I just need to sleep,” she sighed. “Yeah, I just need sleep.”

No matter that it was still the middle of the day, (Y/N) disappeared into her room to try and succumb to slumber. She drew the curtains closed, locked the door, and buried herself in a mountain of sheets and comforters. But nothing seemed to warm the cold the emptiness left. She had never felt cold like this before. It was chilling and it dug its way into her bones.

And somehow the coldness came hand in hand with tears. A floodgate that didn’t seem to stop and she could not control. Even when she thought her body had surely run out of tears, more came. They stung her eyes and made them swell. They stained her cheeks and burned her throat. They left her breathless and full of pain.

And yet, she still felt the nothingness deep inside her.

Allison couldn’t help but feel heartbroken as she heard her younger daughter cry for a man that had the gall to leave her this way. The worst part was that she could only stand and watch as her little girl fell apart. It was a sight that she had never prepared herself to witness, and didn’t want to again. If she ever crossed paths with the doctor, she would make sure he knew just how horrible he had treated her daughter.

***

“You could have done things differently, Carlisle,” a woman spoke, her eyes glazed over with a red hue. “She is in so much pain.”

“I could have but I didn’t, Theo,” he sighed. “And I didn’t come to you for grievances. I came to you for your ability and for the connection you have with her.”

“Well, old friend. I apologize if I overstepped in any way, but she is — or rather was, I haven’t seen her in some time — my friend,” Theo smiled softly as her eyes returned to their amber color. “I spent four years with her, and she is a rather peculiar human. She is as complex as they come and so bright, it simply pains me to see her this way. Especially since it’s your fault.”

“I had to have her hate me. (Y/N) had such a bright future ahead of her and I was only going to hold her back.” Carlisle did regret the bad decisions he had taken. He had built (Y/N) up only to have her crash and burn so suddenly. “The more she hates me, the easier it will be for her to move one. She’ll have a great life, especially away from me.”

“And how many times will you ask the clairvoyant to check in as she moves on as you want her to?”

“Not for much longer, Theo. I’m leaving New York once my family is finally settled here.”

“Leaving?” The girl was shocked. He had left the love of his life behind to keep his family together, and he was leaving them behind as well. “And where will you be going then?”

“For penance.”

Theo wanted to laugh, but the stoic expression on his face told her how serious he was. “Penance, Carlisle? Isn’t that a tad dramatic?”

“Do you think I deserve to go on with my life after all the pain I have caused the only person I have truly loved?” Carlisle was resolute in his punishment. He would do what he had done once when he turned into something he had hunted for most of his life – hide from humanity and deny himself the only thing he needed to survive. “It’s a punishment fit for the crime.”

“And don’t you think that knowing she will continue living without you by her side is punishment enough?” Theo tried to reason with her friend. “Breakups happen every day around the world. (Y/N) is strong. She will get over it. All she needs is some time, as do you.”

“You don’t understand, Theo. The things I told her… There’s no coming back from that. I used every word I knew would hurt her, deliberately. It’s something neither she nor I can forgive.”

“Well, I know I won’t be able to dissuade you from what you think you must do,” she sighed. “You know where I am. So, whenever you need me, you know where to find me.”

“The next time I see you, it might be too dangerous for me to be around humans. I’ll send you word of where I will be,” he smiled sadly. “I do ask for one more favor.”

“Sure, anything.”

“Don’t tell my family where I am going. They’ll surely do everything in their power to take me back, and I simply cannot.”

“I cannot tattle to someone I do not know, Carlisle,” she chuckled. “I have not had the pleasure to meet the rest of your family.”

“Better that you do not meet them now. In this situation, my family has been ruptured possibly beyond repair.”

“Give it time, Carlisle. Most things with time become clearer.”

“Isn’t the saying that time heals all wounds?”

“Time does nothing of the sort. If anything, time gives you choices. Time helps you build grudges; it stacks grievances upon grievances. Time doesn’t heal, it forces you to either live with your pain or find a way through it. Everyone has to make that choice at some point.”

“Then I hope (Y/N) can find a way through it because I will have to live with it.”

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[sixthwater]

Hello again~! Welcome to this special PAC welcoming my two newest dark decks to the family! Today we are going over quite a bit using quite a lot, so I hope you have a glass of water and a snack, and that you enjoy!

Decks Used: The Rider-Waite Tarot, Tarot of the Divine, Woodland Wardens Orace, The Horror Tarot, The Abandoned Oracle

Disclaimer | Pinned | Like my readings? You can leave a tip here!

Pile One

How You View Them: Wheel of Fortune Rx, X of Cups, Death, II of Swords

How They View You: VIII of Cups Rx, VIII of Swords Rx, Ace of Swords, Ace of Pentacles Rx

You view your future spouse as someone who tends to attract bad luck but that’s mainly due to that hesitation. They can be a bit of a ‘sourpuss’ is what I’m getting, because they get a bit stuck on the fact that these things happen to them, and either forget how it got to that point or the blessings in disguise that come from it. It’s not that they’re indecisive, but they can overthink or get cold feet when it’s time to sign on the dotted line, if I were to put it in another way. They start to wonder about the what-ifs and if there are any other paths or what the negative possibilities of their choices are, so then they get a little frozen. There are moments where they might make a rash decision due to an adrenaline rush, but those moments are very rare, and probably due to feeling very passionate about a project or issue. Either way, you see them dealing with their setbacks and troubles beautifully. Despite them mulling over their issues, you see them learning and growing consistently, and never being fooled by the same trick twice. I’m getting the imagery of someone looking through a photo album and every picture of them is different, like they’re going through different phases every five years or so? That’s how your future spouse is but it’s more internally – emotionally, spiritually, or mentally. Due to this, I believe you think they make a perfect partner and parent. They cover or soothe some fears you have, and some insecurities you have about the big scary world of parenting isn’t so bad with them there by your side. They also feel very sweet on your side. Like the type to either have a child who’s a ‘Daddy’s Girl / Momma’s Boy’ or struggle to punish their kid. I’ve been watching Everybody Hates Chris lately and I’m thinking of the scenes where right before Julius has to talk to his kids, he goes through like four stages of grief before he pulls himself together lol, it’s cute.

On the flip side, your FS views you as elusive? Hehe I love when this happens. I’ve been ignoring the music for the most part but Never Close Our Eyes by Adam Lambert came on and I wanted to check it immediately and this lyric yelled at me: ‘It's so hard to think this could fade away, but what goes up must come down’. Which, along with the chorus, sums it up I think. They see you as someone who is a breath of fresh air in a way. You feel very fast over here. It quite literally feels like air blowing through my fingers. They see you as someone who has witty thoughts and can be charming in quick bursts, like someone who drops a corny joke out of the blue, riding off of someone else’s story. However behind all of that, they feel like you’re about to slip away from them at the same time? It’s not necessarily like you’re not relationship material, but they’re worried about if they commit, will they get hurt (their overthinking). You’re someone who they believe has been able to free themselves from a lot of heartache thanks to past beliefs or relationships, but you also don’t want to put yourself back out there and risk hurting yourself again. So it’s like you’re there but you’re not fully there / opening yourself up. Might be a Scorpio – Gemini dynamic lmao. They want to be there for you to help you actually absolve the root of your worries because while you seem to have moved on, there are still some small things that will trigger that worry for you which they notice (they’re pretty observant). Now Every Heart by BoA is playing, you may look up the lyric translation. I think the whole song resonates.

Your Favorite Traits of Your FS: The Hierophant, Ace of Swords, II of Swords, V of Pentacles Rx, Queen of Swords, The Antelope and Wheat Rx

Your FS’ Favorite Traits of You: The Hanged Man, The Devil, VII of Wands, IX of Wands, The Bear and Cedar Rx

**Quickly. Animal by Neon Trees and then Super Freak by Rick James played while I was shuffling. Anyway.

Your favorite traits are pretty funny. I think I mentioned it before, but your FS seems to ground you and make you feel safe in a way. Right here it seems to be that they take the lead in some way and make you feel comforted when you don’t necessarily feel like being ‘the adult’ in a situation. At the same time, in areas where they’re not so strong, that’s where you can come in to boost them up and act like a shoulder for them to lean on – so you like how balanced the relationship is overall, in a sense. You like that while your FS is very traditional, they’re not afraid to communicate and ask you for help. To let you know that they’re struggling and your advice or time would be really nice. Also, when mentioning traditional, I don’t really see them being strictly traditional. They have the guidelines of ‘okay we have the commitment, we have someone who will mainly look after the ‘kids’ per say, we have someone who is the main breadwinner’ etcetc, but it doesn’t necessarily have to be exactly those things, they just need the guidelines – the structure so they know they can fall back onto something. Kids can be pets, there can be someone who mainly looks after the kids but they still have a side or main job, maybe they just chose to. It’ll be different depending on the relationship. You really appreciate that they stress the importance of communication as well. I have to imagine that this person either has a bad work-life balance or is too much in their head, because they might need a lot of friends or family to remind them to take a break. However, because they always have this front of being put together, it’s nice to know that they’re not afraid to show this other side of themselves either. They also don’t put up with any bullshit either, and that includes you I believe. If there is an issue within the relationship or they’re bothered by something, they won’t just sulk over it without talking to you, and you really appreciate that.

On the flip side, your FS really appreciates your drive. You seem unstoppable to them; whether that’s a good thing or a bad thing is up to the situation at hand. The Devil is represented by the story of a snake that is hoarding gold that it doesn’t need, but it’s going to harm anyone who tries to take it. Mesh that with the seven of wands that’s represented by John Henry, and the nine of wands which is a girl dealing with baba yaga; your FS views you as a person who is very defensive of themselves and this connection overall. They appreciate the fact that while you fight for what you believe in, you know when to protect yourself from things or people that don’t serve you. The healing might need work, or they might’ve met you at a time while you were in the middle of healing deep wounds. However you’re coming off as very fiery or airy to them, but it’s attractive to them nonetheless. I think a small worry for them throughout this entire piece is that they might want to remind you to slow down and take care of yourself because I keep hearing this and currently Here We Go Again by Paramore is playing. They like that you’re unrelenting of the space that you’ve acquired, but I keep wanting to include your relationship as well. I don’t believe that it’s in danger or anything, but it’s included with you having to struggle with your personal happiness being denied and you finally have something good so you don’t want to even bother with people who won’t be happy for you. Honestly this was pretty straight-forward, I think they might speak more in the next section, but they’re really proud of you and it’s more of a concern than anything.

Your Least Favorite Traits of Your FS: Page of Cups Rx, Wheel of Fortune Rx, The Magician, Knight of Swords, Distortion Rx

Your FS’ Least Favorite Traits of You: King of Wands Rx, Queen of Pentacles Rx, Ten of Cups, Ace of Pentacles, The Feeding Rx

Your message is. Interesting. I’m going to explain and sum things up at the end of these. You don’t like how logical and dry your FS can get. There isn’t a lot of emotion or passion here, and when there is, it can come off as immature or irrational to you. Like you’re not understanding where the outbursts are coming from, and to you it seems a bit unfair or ‘unlucky’. Honestly with this imagery, it kind of feels like you’re the woman on the wheel and they’re throwing all of the weapons at you, but the weapons are their insults or accusations. So to you it seems like they’re hot and cold, they seem okay and loving one day but the next day they can be really cold and like they’re shrugging you off. It can also feel like they’re watching you like a hawk and toying with your emotions at times.

Now your FS feels like you’re not trying hard enough in the connection. I’m not going to lie, these aren’t very pretty cards, but this deck can be exaggerative. Both the court cards here look like they’re scheming, and the king has a mask on. They don’t like the sides of you that can come off as domineering, and only use people for your benefits and when they ask for things in return or they’re starting to bother you, you start to get annoyed and try to ghost them. They feel as if all of their actions and love is not being reciprocated or wasted – it’s draining them at the end of the day. When you look at the ten of cups, it starts off full but it can’t make it down to the bottom few, one barely has any on it. Plus with the ace, they feel like you present empty promises at times (the hand is presenting a foundation sure, but it’s not connected to the rest of the body)

What I believe is happening here is quite literally just a miscommunication, I don’t think it’s this heavy lmao. Either this is someone with a false start, or you will struggle a bit in the beginning. There’s a lot of you dealing with your own healing, so I doubt you will be too focused on anything regarding love really, meanwhile this other person seems to care for you a lot but their way of wanting to help seems to be…well, love. So this issue here is that someone feels like they’re being taken advantage of but that’s not what’s happening. It might have to deal with former past connections on your FS’ side and their worry that it’s happening again. The Distortion card upright deals with mood swings, and reversed it means seeing things clearly or sound judgement. So I believe that your FS is just very anxious and worried that this connection is a repeat of past issues, but it’s not. You are worried about healing, and you’re worried about the same thing but in a different sense. You guys are dancing the same dance but different versions with different steps is all. Communication is definitely recommended but I’m not too worried about it <3

Before starting this pile I wanted to listen to a mix based around Sub Urban songs, and most of them have a grunge, dark feeling to them. The lyrics themselves aren’t necessarily always dark though, they can be quite fun or eccentric, even outside of Sub Urban. I think this is a connection that’s going to be quite in your face and flushes out emotions that you need to get rid of, or if you’re not careful or have good boundaries, can feel like Bandit by Sub Urban. 

Pile Two

How You View Them: The Tower, Death, King of Swords, VII of Cups

How They View You: The High Priestess Rx, X of Swords Rx, IV of Swords Rx, IX of Pentacles

Your FS leaves an impact on you, way after your first meeting. The End Is Where We Begin is playing and all the lines like ‘I'm an alien' cause I'm not of this world’ give off the energy of your FS. I think there will be moments where you wake up and just stare at them like ‘yeah, I’m glad I chose you’. The moment you saw them you were sure they were the one. It’s not necessarily the whole inner knowing thing, but it’s how they hold themselves. It’s a quiet confidence and how they can command a room, even if they’re not doing anything. They can seem a bit larger than life and also a bit nit-picky because I’ve been bothered by something else for the past fifteen minutes when I’ve been trying to focus, and I’ve noticed that the King of Swords seems waaaay bigger than the other objects in his card. Plus Death is above everyone else in their card. They seem to not be a person of many words, and it’s more like their actions is what you notice the most about them, or that’s what leaves the strongest impression on you and that’s what wants to come through. An interesting thing is that in The Tower card it seems like they are the ones throwing these people out, and it’s not necessarily their energy. You view them as someone to not be crossed. Your FS views you as someone very gentle and soft. Honestly, ‘a catch’ was one of the first lines that came through my mind. I think a piece of them sees you as disconnected from your higher self or maybe religion, if they’re religious? You’re operating more from a physical / material point of view in their eyes. They see that you have a lot of material assets (I hear rewards or profits, things to be proud of it doesn’t have to necessarily present itself as actual money), but you keep it protected. Also just now processing that Bad Girls by M.I.A was playing as I was trying to break down this card. So to them you seem very calm and mature and handle yourself well in those aspects. I want to get into these swords cards because they seem interesting. They came out right after the other so it’s like your FS will take notice of you knowing when and how long you need to heal. You are unapologetic of it and when the time is ready you’ll ‘remove the swords’, but you’ll always be ready to run back into hiding if you need more time to tend to your wounds. So, if I can step in really quick, they believe that you are out of sync with your higher self or not fully in tune with spirit. Or definitely more so you have a weaker bond with faith because you’re well aware of your emotional or spiritual needs to make sure you’re functioning well with others. So like, you’re not in tune but you’re in tune.

Your Favorite Traits of Your FS: The Devil, Death, IX of Swords Rx, II of Wands, II of Pentacles, The Salamander and Black Pepper

Your FS’ Favorite Traits of You: King of Pentacles, VIII of Swords, The Hermit Rx, The Chariot Rx, IX of Cups Rx, The Coyote and Datura

You like that your FS doesn’t agonize over making decisions. They set their mind on a goal and they go achieve it. Despite the intensity that I mentioned earlier (which I’m not ignoring, you definitely like that about your FS), there is a gentleness and slight silliness to your FS. It’s one of those things where it’s only brought out in quiet moments with you, and if you have pets, plants or children, with them as well. Even though they have a card representing Scorpio and Capricorn here, they don’t feel the need to have control all the time. They can be flexible and they’ve learnt to go with the flow over the course of time. You also really appreciate them making time for you, or working you into their schedule. They might be very busy, or in the midst of a major life change? However they still manage to make sure they have time to call, text, or visit you. I’m getting visit because of this imagery on the two of wands here. There’s a small message of not being able to get anything past your FS either. The story with Death is kind of dark, but I’m getting this picture quite literally lmao. Like if their kid attempted to stay up to play their nintendo 3DS, it wasn’t happening. That also makes for a great surprise event planner though so hey, but you’d know that in due time. Plus, the obvious or maybe not so obvious message, they’re probably hot and make you hot (some would say flaming). So this is a really weird message, but your FS likes the fact that you’re never happy with what you have due to the fact that it motivates you? Like you could have the best car or the best designer clothes but still feel like that’s not enough and decide to keep working your ass off, leading to this king of pentacles. They like the fact that you want to break the glass ceiling and you don’t want to get comfortable or be settled with your position. They also like that you’re kind of like them in a sense that you’re okay with diverting from the original plan. You do definitely have a more structured life I believe, and you prefer to stick to it, but you’re not opposed to trying something new and seeing what happens. Letting the wind take you where it will. Another thing is, you’re authentic with them. The nine of cups is the story of Tàj al-Mulúk and the Princess Dunyà (summed up; how the guy dressed up and proceeded to be someone who the girl would want to be with), and the eight of swords is the tale about Donkeyskin. With them, there is no mask and there is no pretending, you’re who you say you are and that’s the end of the story – they appreciate that. Another thing about the eight of swords, they like that you put yourself there, in a way. You only put yourself there to contemplate your next move and when you’re ready you step back out. It’s sort of the same as when you’re ready to come back out and socialize after healing. It’s also a piece of you being able to tell a snake from a snake charmer. You don’t let people in so easily and they pick up on why you do that.

Your Least Favorite Traits of Your FS: V of Wands Rx, IX of Wands Rx, The Fool, X of Wands Rx, The Plaything Rx

Your FS’ Least Favorite Traits of You: VIII of Wands Rx, IV of Wands, VII of Swords, The Lovers, The Viewing

I’m sorry this is so funny, AND ANIMALS BY MAROON 5 IS PLAYING Pile two you’re going to try and get underneath your FS’ skin and they’re going to ignore you every single time, and in turn it’s going to piss you off. All the imagery gives me someone who is trying to be lured in or is being hunted on your end, but on their end they have knowledge from all over the world or well beyond their years so there’s no way you can overcome them. They are not playing your games and they’re not even matching your energy. It’s not like you guys are arguing but it’s more like teasing or seducing if their side is anything to go off of. The thing with the fool is that whenever they bite back with whatever is going on here, it’s always very witty and something that catches you off guard. It’s also like you’re the big monsters in the back while your FS is the girl running through the woods here. Also with Plaything, it’s like you want them to just get caught one time. Take the bait one time. But they don’t. And it’s annoying as hell.

Your FS on the other hand is doing this for a reason. There might be a gap in experience or age*, but they want to take care of this relationship and also you. Honestly looking back, for some of you this might be LGBT, difference in culture, status if their family deems it important – because The Viewing talks about ‘an irreversible outcome’ and I’m thinking about Simple and Clean by Utada Hikaru. The line ‘ When we are older, you'll understand what I meant when I said, "No, I don't think life is quite that simple" ’, is ringing in my head. If that’s not the case, then it could definitely just be inexperience within relationships and you’re looking at everything through rose colored glasses and they’re worried that this’ll ruin a really good thing. They see you as romanticizing a lot of things that can hurt you or them (depending on who is coming from the more judgmental society, unless you both are). Plus with the imagery within the lovers alongside that message of the viewing, yeah. They also really don’t like all the tricks and cheap shots you try and take to get them to go along with whatever you want to go in regards to this. It’s all out of love, truly. Also I Love You 3000 by Stephanie Peotri is playing and I think that’s from them. ‘No spoilers please’

*I don’t know why I keep feeling the need to add this, even after a night’s rest but age gap between two consenting adults. No funny business.

Pile Three

How You View Them: X of Pentacles Rx, IV of Pentacles Rx, VII of Wands, Ace of Cups

How They View You: VII of Cups, The Emperor, V of Cups Rx, Queen of Swords Rx

Your FS comes off as quite defensive to you. Closed off as well, because I’m struggling to get a good grasp on these cards for some reason. I’m believing it’s more like you see them as hard to read at times. They present the same energy but slightly different over the course of different weeks? Like there will be different levels of response to the same triggers so you can pinpoint what’s happening but not be quite sure of how to approach or soothe them sometimes. They present some dysfunction within their family, but it’s one of those situations where you show up to family events or holidays that celebrate family — just to get it over with or because it’s nice — and then you won’t really see or hear from them much again. They also might have a struggle with maintaining their finances? It’s not that they’re an over spender but it’s little things that they either don’t care for a savings account, or they have a vice grip on what’s in their account so they complain about any type of ‘expensive’ purchase, looking over all avenues before deciding on what to buy, those things. They’re very protective over what’s theirs, and that includes you (so you might have to get on them about that terminology which I think I see a little on their side). Despite all of that you do see them as someone who does have emotions and care to offer, it’s in a sweet way. Kind of naïve, for some reason? When it comes to revealing sensitive sides of themselves they can be kind of sensitive or childlike, which you think balances out all of the above. Meanwhile your FS’ side is much easier to comprehend and views you to be kind of intense. Besides the emperor and the queen, I’m seeing the middle chalice within the seven of cups. If you’re a gamer, you know how when you unlock an underground opening and it slowly raises up to ominous music? That’s what it seems like to me. I’m mainly just getting that you’re an equal match to your FS. You have no problem putting them in their place. There is some inner turmoil or sadness that seems to be making it’s way to the surface at times, or maybe you just seem to have an appearance that looks sad (glossy eyes, downturned lips, etc). I think it has to do with the eyes because the hill in the background looks like an eye to me when I look somewhere else and it distracts me. Either way, they happen to discover different facets of your personality over the course of the relationship and it fascinates them sometimes, but they do think you can be a little harsh or bossy with them sometimes. You know what you like and don’t like, but even if it’s in a joking way, they can get hurt by your comments or nitpicking? In their eyes. Though this does seem to be a person who tends to go for people who are more in control than them, or are in their power. And Feeling Myself by Nicki Minaj & Beyoncé just started playing, yup.

Your Favorite Traits of Your FS: The Empress, Page of Pentacles, VIII of Wands, II of Wands, The Cat and Lavender Rx

Your FS’ Favorite Traits of You: The Chariot Rx, Knight of Swords Rx, VII of Pentacles, Ace of Pentacles, The Fox and Ivy

Yeah this is displaying the very muted duality your FS holds, but it also works very well together which is why I called it a muted duality. You like that on one hand your FS can be very caring and sweet towards you. They present themselves as very gentle and calming in private manners. They also can be very loyal and somewhat steadfast? It’s like when you get a new plant so you’re dedicated to learning its favorite nutrients, what time of day it prefers, the sunlight it wants, its quirks — all of that. That’s what you like about them, a very dedicated sweet lover. On the other hand, they can be very instinctual and sure of themselves. This is a case where I don’t believe they’re aware that they’re listening to their intuition but it’s like when you’re looking at crystals or feeling something out and you just know it’s the right one for you. That’s how they make decisions and they do it so boldly, so sure of themselves, you really admire that about them. I can’t say whether or not they always make the right choice, but the confidence that they have when making these choices is mighty attractive to you. They’re also someone to come quick to your aid or defense if you need or request it. I’m getting the image of someone rushing into the room with like four care packages all catered to different scenarios haha. Your FS wanted to send a message while I was writing your passage I guess, but Think by Aretha Franklin was playing lmao, staring at that knight of swords. Anyway, I stand by what I said earlier. They can be a little sensitive to your comments, but they’re not opposed to a little friction. They do find your combative attitude attractive, even if it’s against them at times. The main thing here though is the fact that you’re able to get the most out of life. You are the phrase ‘one man’s trash is another man’s treasure’. You don’t waste any opportunity that’s given to you and you try to see how far you can run with it. You also don’t give up on things (or connections I guess, in this sense). You will sit with your projects, friends, struggling ideas, and see what will come of them after some tender love and care. The only thing that will make you abandon it is if the object of attention doesn’t want to ‘put in’ the same effort. You are willing to compromise and roll with the punches as long as they don’t make you sacrifice anything at your core. Your FS really loves that about you.

Your Least Favorite Traits of Your FS: The Chariot Rx, Page of Pentacles, Knight of Wands Rx, IV of Wands, Envy Rx

Your FS’ Least Favorite Traits of You: IX of Cups Rx, III of Wands, The Devil, Death, Blessings

**LOL, not the both of you going ‘AHT, let me correct you real quick’ omg. Also, getting the chariot multiple times, someone has to have cancer placements in this connection. I’m getting specifically cancer venus or mars for some reason and I’m feeling like it’s them.

You can get annoyed with the complacency your FS holds. This loops all the way back to holding onto what they have and never looking for anything else, generally. It’s like you operate from this Envy card upright, while they move in the reverse. You are always trying to see what you can get out of things, to your detriment sometimes but we’ll get to that, and they don’t bother to even see if there’s more to things sometimes. It’s like if they have a car that can go on auto-pilot; they’d turn it on and take a nap. They’re okay with celebrating tiny milestones, or like ‘aah, mailed one letter today time to reward myself’ — things like that. Which is okay, but I’m going to assume it’s also intertwined with them getting way too in their head and making quick snap judgements based upon emotions. It’s not lost on me that the knight of wands is represented by a mummy and it’s also placed over the eight of wands currently. In the page of pentacles you can see that while someone is sleeping, a bunch of demons are slowly creeping up to attack her, presumably. I’d equate that to nightmares, or things catching up to you. So it’s like they would do a little bit here and there, celebrate, put it off, and then because of a deadline creeping up on them; either get way too stressed out or rush a bunch of stuff, as an example. All of this is centered around their ability to be okay with what they currently have, but they’re also not necessarily improving or bringing anything in. Your FS on the other hand thinks the exact opposite lmao. They think you give too many people or projects too much of your time or attention. I think the three of wands is interesting because it’s like someone waiting for their plans to come to fruition but the witch is old, the land is decrepit, and everything is withering away. Combined with the nine of cups, this person sees you pouring your efforts into all of these things and waiting for it to come back but you’re just. Standing there waiting with no reward. You guys are quite literally ‘working hard or hardly working’. Blessings is about granting others pardons or forgiveness, basically acting as a priest, but notice all of the creatures on him. It’s a double meaning here. They see you forgiving people that they believe shouldn’t get more of your time because they don’t have good intentions (one is literally yanking on the man’s ear). Mixed with Death, once again it’s mixed. You go around wearing yourself thin to wish people the best who aren’t doing the same for you, believing there will be a revival within a connection (for sure this time), or the other person is the reaper as they’re holding a scythe ready to cut you down. The devil here over the seven of coins speaks to them seeing your dedication falling into a slight obsession at times. It’s a bit unbalanced and sometimes you forget to take care of other things in your life, and you can get tangled within your projects and tie them to maybe your self-worth (if this fails then I failed because I couldn’t keep it going). I think you guys are good for each other in terms of learning your strongest qualities to help balance out your own personal lives honestly. Also Sun Goes Down by Lil Nas X started playing right as I finished.

Pile Four

How You View Them: Justice, Wheel of Fortune Rx, Queen of Wands, X of Wands

How They View You: IX of Swords Rx, The Hanged Man Rx, Queen of Swords, VII of Cups

You view your future spouse as someone quite rational. They’re not the type to believe in things like ‘fate’ or manifestation; if they want it they go get it. They firmly believe in seeing the world through an objective lens but you feel like sometimes they can be a little full of themselves in that sense. Like they have the final say in things. Besides that, they try to be fair and just about most things. It’s pretty basic, the people who are right are right, people who are wrong are wrong, if they feel like they aren’t informed they won’t speak on the matter — it can leave them seeming like they don’t really have much of a voice or opinions besides when they’re speaking up for people, because I definitely feel them here. You see them as someone who knows their worth and they’ll probably make jokes about it (‘oh you think you can get with me, come on now’). They’re pretty light-hearted when it doesn’t come to the state of the world or social politics, and you see them as someone who keeps up with their appearance. Beyond physical beauty but also watching what they eat and exercising as well, they’re very attentive of what makes them feel good. However they tend to take on too much, and I think this leans more back into how others around them are affected. If the state of the world is in shambles it can get to them, and they’ll look into what they can do. They might take on more than they can handle though, like maybe trying to go to a lot of charity events on top of their job, or trying to inform as many people as possible when they can barely fit it into their schedule. Things like that along with their slightly ‘I have the final say’ attitude might be the only annoying things here from you. Your FS views you as…kind of spacey. Weirdly. Ah! The second I figured it out, Bulletproof Heart by MCR started playing leave me alone lmao. So you took them by surprise when they first started to get to know you I think, but they also stuck around for these two sides of you. The majority of their perception of you is that you’re not present most of the time. You’re in your head or imagination and you’re not really paying attention to your surroundings — which I think can worry or annoy them sometimes. You also look like you’re constantly watching the world pass you by because you’re contemplating and would prefer to either help others or you’re not too privy to take control of your life. Like you’re exhausted in a sense and don’t feel like getting back in the ring, so you’d rather just sit back and people watch, or allow other people / things to come to you. This could also be the result of a former relationship (platonic, familial or romantic) that left you scarred and defensive. However, there are topics or times where you come out of hibernation and you come out with a bite. You have extensive knowledge about the subject and you can go toe to toe with them. You keep them engaged in the conversation. You can also give them the feeling that you’re allowing them to approach you but if they say the wrong thing then you’re bringing the sword down. These are not qualities that they expected to see in you, a person who is caught in a standstill, so they find it interesting. Okay Roman’s Revenge by Nicki Minaj is playing and I don’t want to take the lyrics, but the intensity and feeling of the song is the feeling of when that queen of swords comes out, to them.

Your Favorite Traits of Your FS: Death, The Star Rx, The World, III of Pentacles, The Snail and the Huckleberry Rx

Your FS’ Favorite Traits of You: V of Cups Rx, Ace of Swords Rx, The Emperor Rx, VI of Swords Rx, The Caiman and Poppy Rx

So first off I have to say that your FS has to have fixed placements or is a fixed sign? Lmao maybe their birthday is valentines day maybe that’s why they have such a thing with the divine and all of that - or maybe not because spooky guy of all songs just started playing so maybe they are a scorpio, god I get it. Anyway, Your favorite traits are the fact that they are so rooted in the 3D. Usually I don’t like the star being reversed, but here it’s really sweet. With its positioning, it’s looking down at the three of pentacles meaning it’s working with you, which we’ll get into later. Your FS is someone who faces their fears and demons with rationale and like, a guidebook almost. So it’s no longer that big and scary to them, it’s not really that much of a challenge but they’re still able to be rewarded with the transformation that comes afterward. They also feel like a missing puzzle piece to you. I don’t spread the idea of ‘there’s someone out there that will complete you’, and I never will, but when you meet this person they will feel like they can make up for things that you lack. They can also help teach you to strengthen your weaker qualities as well. It quite literally is people with different skill sets coming together to ‘complete a project’. It also always feels super sweet and fun whenever you’re with them. Your FS loves basically all the opposite traits of what was mentioned above. I have to mention that Asystole by Hayley Williams is playing as I look into this five of cups, which is over the nine of swords. So I do believe there is a recovery taking place that they notice within you, and they adore it in a sense that they’re very proud of you. Every day that you wake up and decide to face your fears, keep doing inner work (‘whatever that is’), and placing trust in them makes their heart grow three times bigger — just like the grinch. There is a feeling of wanting to move on or flee out of instinct and self-preservation but choosing not to, and they give you space to figure that out on your own, so hearing that after you work through it and the ultimate answer is to stay — well they don’t want to show it because they want you to do what’s best for you but it’s very nice to hear. Overall we have this energy of you being pretty scatterbrained, which leads to a lot of absurd thoughts and late night ramblings. They find it fun, even if it doesn’t make sense and they can’t really keep up or actively engage at times. You can get stuck in them, which is when they come to ground you, but unless it’s causing harm they just let you have fun in there. They do love when your 'aggressive' side comes out though, because that’s what they’re familiar with and they can keep up with that. They like when you’re stubborn sometimes, because it can be over something small or maybe you guys are debating serious stuff, but it’s a fun shared activity between the two of you. They don’t necessarily want you to get rid of your spacey qualities though because they can learn from it and you teach them a few new things, like how to relax and disengage.

Your Least Favorite Traits of Your FS: Queen of Cups, IV of Cups Rx, III of Pentacles, Strength Rx, The Feral Child Rx

Your FS’ Least Favorite Traits of You: The Empress Rx, Page of Pentacles Rx, The High Priestess Rx, Ace of Pentacles, Revenge

Hey remember when I said they seem to have a complex about them at times from your perspective. You can get irritated with them because in the process of them wanting to help care for you, it seems like they’re treating you like a child. You might decline their help sometimes because you feel like they’re looking down at you. When you look at the way the queen of cups is presented, she seems as if she’s someone of high status. Even in the book it says ‘do not fear the queen of cups, even though she seems intimidating, she is caring’. Your FS can come off as an ‘I told you so’ person at times, but they do wish the best for you. There’s another piece of them seeming to always want to align with ‘the norm’, or what is allowed within society, and that can annoy you because you don’t feel like they’re ‘being authentic’. This can be as little as them not partaking in any hobbies they like because people will mock them for it or they personally feel like it’s embarrassing. For others of you, this has to do with poor anger management and pent up frustration. They don’t know how to channel it elsewhere or relieve it, and it builds up until they blow up over something small or create an issue over nothing, due to something else that was a legitimate problem a few weeks ago. Now a funny side note is — unfortunately you won’t be able to tell from this picture I think, but in person if you look closely enough at this four of cups; one of the drink’s mist is just a bit darker than the rest. I think that’s how you literally feel about your FS’ intuition, it’s blocked and it can annoy you at times that they miss what is obvious to you, but it’s not obvious to them. You guys just speak different language so to speak, that’s all. Your FS wants you to treat yourself better. I giggled because when I pulled the high priestess I heard ‘you call this intuition?’, I’m sorry your FS has been quite the smart-ass this whole reading. The main focus here is split a little bit, with an interesting side message here as well. You can be pretty sensitive and beat yourself down over some small stuff. Your self-esteem isn’t that strong so when you don’t meet goals you set for yourself or you just happen to have one of those days, it hits pretty hard. It feels like you’re eating yourself alive. It might also be that you don’t have good self-care habits as well, because remember, your FS does. There might be days you won’t take care of yourself too well and they won’t like that and might nag you about it. I’m also getting a sense that if you’re in the process of — or maybe beginning to when you meet them — start your own business or indulge in a hobby, you will put your blood sweat and tears into it which is something that worries them because of what I started before. They don’t mind taking care of you or watching out, but it’s the imbalance that stresses them out. They also want you to trust yourself more because sometimes you can feel like you get messages or intuitive hits wrong. Like if one thing goes wrong, and you follow it because of a gut feeling, you beat yourself up for it and that’s not how that works. However at the same time, sometimes you can use that against your FS. This is only for a select few, and it’s not bad it’s more funny and irritable from them tbh, but sometimes you can withhold things from them relating to this stuff if you’re in a funky mood towards them and it irritates the living shit out of them. Like let’s say you guys have reached a mutual understanding and respect for each other and sometimes they ask for a second opinion before deciding on something, maybe you’re a little annoyed and you claim you’re not getting anything but they can tell when you’re lying. Stupid stuff like that lmao.

Pile Five

How You View Them: III of Pentacles, King of Swords, The Hanged Man, The Tower Rx

How They View You: The High Priestess, The Lovers Rx

Your pile will be somewhat different or interesting. When I was pulling for their side, I was shuffling for quite some time and the first card to come out was the high priestess, and with that I got ‘they should know’. I don’t really feel one way or the other that you already know this person, if they want to reveal it later on they will, because I asked them if they want to divulge information and they basically said ‘I don’t want to talk petty gossip but I will shine light upon my qualities’ essentially (3 of cups rx and queen of wands). So this pile can fall into the pool of: 1) you guys are communicating through your high selves, 2) you’ve met through dreams, 3) you already know this person and the connection is being protected from ruin, etcetc.

Now that that spiel is over. You view your FS as someone who is co-operative. This reads to me as someone who is willing to split the chores, there is no clash of house rules going on, etc. They’re willing to work with you on things so it runs smoothly, and they want it to run efficiently and properly as well. The king feels very kind here? It’s not as noticeable as he usually is and it feels more of someone who you go to for advice or help. They don’t feel like someone who runs the show to you. They feel more like someone who watches from a distance and just makes sure things are going okay without directly interfering or leading anything. They definitely protect you or make moves from behind the scenes though, and you obviously would find this out later along the way. I feel this because for some reason it’s like the king of swords is smiling (?) gently at me while beneath or behind them, the tower is happening. It’s reversal feels more muted to me than to take it as a reverse, like it’s still happening but no one else sees it except for those who need to. You view your FS as someone who is very quiet, calm and supportive. Doesn’t have to literally be gentle but they give off that energy. Feels Taurean? For their rising at least. Now your FS…like I said, they didn’t want to speak up for how they see you for some reason. I definitely don’t think it’s because they’re shy, but there’s something here that they don’t want you to know yet? Which I’m just merely here to show the cards and explain the messages so—

Your Favorite Traits of Your FS: The Fool, Page of Swords, Nine of Wands, Queen of Cups, The Fox and Ivy Rx

Your FS’ Favorite Traits of You: Six of Swords, III of Cups, VII of Cups, The Ladybug and Sweet Pea Rx

*For those of you that don’t know me, I usually take The Devil or The Moon as a sign to stop asking, and considering the above, I let your FS know that, and for the last card they gave me both LMAO, very very protective and serious about this I like that.

Your favorite traits are seemingly about the same thing LOL. There is a bit of a stubborn streak to your FS; they stand for what they stand for, if they don’t want to do something they won’t do it. It’s not in an aggressive manner, but they are simply not budging, it takes a lot to get them to bend to someone else’s will. It’s rooted in the fact that they’re willing to explore and uncover a lot, listen to many other people’s perspective and understand a lot of things they aren’t familiar with. They’re willing to take the plunge before they can say with resolve that something just isn’t for them. They’re not combative and they’re quite gentle and caring with the way they handle people and their affairs, which is what you like about them. Two extra things, there might be a small pet they have that you adore or grow close to? That and they might enjoy, find peace, or live near the sea.  On your FS’s side, I kept replaying Gurenge by LiSA but I only paid attention to this line: ‘Tell me why, tell me why, tell me why, tell me, I don't need you’, and I see that being highlighted on their side. You reflect your FS somewhat in the fact that when things no longer serve you or you find them to be unhealthy, you leave them behind. You understand that not everything or everyone is meant to be in your life until the end of time, and that’s okay. If they happen to be, then you find yourself to be extremely lucky, that’s all. It’s also a little bit like a social battery when in combination with the three of cups. You do enjoy socializing with the people that you want to socialize with and you fully understand your limits. I also feel like this is you enjoying more of celebrating holidays or certain traditions and going all out for them, which they find cute. You’re idealistic and creative, nothing (within reason) is too much for you, and it’s like you always happen to be able to pick from the right cup when it matters. Also, Cool Kitty from Class of 3000 is playing and I think that just highlights that message, I wasn’t even processing that lol. This episode was about one of the kids hanging out with other kids that just didn’t authentically care for her and were willing to drop her at a second’s notice if she was suddenly not fitting the aesthetic, which calls back to you understanding those that are meant for you and those that aren’t.

Your Least Favorite Traits of Your FS: Death Rx, X of Cups Rx, V of Cups, V of Wands, The Specimen

Your FS’ Least Favorite Traits of You: Judgement Rx, X of Pentacles Rx, The Elixir

Only If For A Night by Florence + the Machine is playing. You feel like your FS can be too unchanging at times. They do explore, try things, travel, etc — but their end results seems to be that they go back into their bubble to stay with what’s familiar. So while their wisdom expands, they don’t. I was looking at the five of cups and Too Sensitive by Sean Kennedy started playing. I was going to say the imagery looks like someone knocking the cups over after a fight to really rub salt into a wound. There is a defensive energy that’s been seen throughout the entire reading, and it comes out with you too, but it’s when you challenge them on this aspect of their mindset. It feels like someone pulled the wool over your eyes and now you’re being shown the truth, in a way. I think it’s a small problem that can boil into a big one if not cared for.

Your FS feels like you try too hard to solve a problem that’s not there. The Specimen is, well it’s a creature. I find it very interesting that you both got vials, and it’s like one is the problem and the other seems to be like an antidote. They’re both showing up negatively though. One of these interpretations could be that they feel like old arguments or fights get recycled again and again, and they’re tired of it. However, I don’t feel like that’s the main message here. That’s for very few of you, and if you don’t know who I’m talking about, then you picked the wrong pile, there’s a very high chance of that. Sometimes piles can be hijacked by people who need to hear a specific message. This feels like a relationship with a lot of squaring going on astrologically. Two people approaching something with the same mindset but from different perspectives. Sun by CHANMINA is playing.

For some of you, there is a high chance that this is a past relationship, or someone that you knew / worked with, and they just never made any moves towards you during that time.

Pile Six

How You View Them: III of Wands, Queen of Swords, Knight of Swords Rx, VI of Wands Rx

How They View You: Kings of Wands Rx, V of Wands, King of Swords Rx, Queen of Pentacles

You view your future spouse as someone who has something to prove. They can come off as a bit blunt and dismissive. I believe that’s due to their focus being on something else, which would be their goals and achievements. It’s kind of interesting because they might have made a bad first impression, or maybe this is when they get really stressed out and tense, but they can be quite unfavorable to be around during those moments. They might have Aries influence actually, because I feel like whatever they feel, they let it out without thinking, that’s their stress relief (even if it doesn’t really do anything). You might see them as someone who has some growing to do and is all talk, but on the flipside it kind of seems like they’re just anxious to fill the shoes that are set for them? Like the reason why they act like that is because they know what’s coming but they’re worried that it might not be all it’s amped up to be (you know, because they keep hyping it up), so then they get in their head and then they’re a little bit of a shit-head. One of the more interesting viewpoints of the piles today I’ll say. For your FS I struggled with these king cards at first I'm not gonna lie. Looking back at it, very simple. I keep getting a strong feeling that this person has to at least be a year younger than you. Anyway, they see you as quite the authoritative figure in their life, sometimes to an overwhelming degree. It’s giving the feeling of being someone’s manager or supervisor and always micromanaging them, I’m not getting the feeling of abusing your power. They see you as combative over petty stuff, feeling like you throw your weight (intelligence and status) around. This can include them being less experienced than you in some way and it might strike a nerve with them even if you aren’t attempting to do that. Like they might appreciate the fact that you do take time to either guide or show them that you care, but then they might feel like you’re looking down on them and it might fire them up all over again.

Your Favorite Traits of Your FS: Page of Wands, The Emperor Rx, VIII of Swords Rx, The Hermit, The Deer and Oat

Your FS’ Favorite Traits of You: Strength Rx, X of Swords Rx, Wheel of Fortune, VI of Swords, The Bee and Pomegranate

Your favorite traits are that they can be unapologetically themselves and that they offer you a place of solitude or safety. It doesn’t have to be physical, but they feel safe to you. Maybe quite literally feel healing to you, but mainly safe. They might request vacations where you guys have your phones turned off or at least on DnD. There’s a lot of youthful energy to them that is refreshing to you, so maybe you’ve felt the need to constantly be mature and presentable whether that be in your career, around friends or family, etc — but they give you that space to let you be goofy, have food fights in the middle of baking, finger paint, bring out your inner child with them. There’s also a more introspective quality to them that isn’t so front and center in their daily life that you enjoy experiencing. They can seem to not really be grounded or listen to an inner voice but it is there and there’s a bit more happening internally than meets the eye. Hm. JA ARA E by Burna Boy is playing and I usually don’t draw back to ethnicities or anything but someone might be african or african-american considering the cards as well. Your FS’s side is pretty straight forward so I’m very sorry if this is so short but they like the side of you that is able to let go and let be. They wish to understand how you’re able to not fight against so many things, or not be so anxious about the world around you at times. How you can heal so beautifully after the worst betrayals. The way you can take the tried and true road, even if it’s not the best road for you at the time, with not many complaints. They’re slightly jealous but also admirable of these gentle qualities of yours. I’m mainly getting this from my gut but there might be a piece of them that feels like they have a lot of catching up to do when it comes to you so it makes them feel small and slightly…it’s not scared or embarrassed but it’s like they want to rush and put in a lot of overtime to catch up, but when you’re not looking. The feeling of inadequacy is always in the back of their mind, it just kind of depends on when it gets triggered.

Your Least Favorite Traits of Your FS: IV of Pentacles Rx, II of Swords Rx, IV of Swords, III of Swords, The Feeding

Your FS’ Least Favorite Traits of You: II of Wands Rx, Judgement Rx, Queen of Swords, IX of Cups, Tears

You think your FS can be sneaky or try to take shortcuts to make things happen, which can annoy you sometimes. With the four of pentacles combined with feeding, it makes me feel like entanglements and promises, but too many things get caught up within their web for things to happen so it must be sacrificed, ultimately making it not happen. The cycle keeps happening though because someone doesn’t want to fall short of their self-imposed goal. You also feel like they hide away from big responsibilities or scary choices. The skeletons are popping up from the ground but I’d have to imagine it wouldn’t be able to see which choice is being made, and the vampire is peeking out of her coffin, looking like she’s risen, but can easily shut it again. All of this leads to a lot of heartbreak and a woe is me mindset that can be easily avoided from your perspective

Your FS on the other hand thinks you worry too much and it can get to them. I was wondering why it seemed like the energies started to intertwine but it seems like you’re both directly affecting each other here. They don’t like when you worry about them to the point of covering up their mistakes and cleaning up their mess. You can nag them a lot and sound like their mom which is not too attractive. This nine of cups feels like the ‘cleaning up the mess’ part for some reason. You can also remind them a lot of their failures in a backwards way. It’s you telling them to be cautious and giving them advice or different paths to take next time, and them taking it the wrong way. Thinking you’re being underhanded and referencing their last failed attempt. There’s just a bit more communication that is needed here so people understand exactly what is being said and ego’s aren’t hurt along the way, is all. Might have squared or opposing mercury, mars, or ascendant aspects? Honestly even Pluto I think, since it’s dealing with authority.

[sarilolla]

That last fillet really broke my heart, but it got me thinking

In the senecios where only one brother is too late, would that brother go into deep denial?

For example let’s say Floyd’s guilt ran so deep that it’s like his mind broke.

He walks around the bunker cleaning it up because -

“It needs to clean before little Branch is back from playing with his friends”

Walking around holding Branch’s baby blanket but it’s holds it in a way that it seams like he’s holding a baby……

Anyway thanks for the angst brain

Sincerely~ Ghost anon :)

Hi Ghost Anon!!! Thank you for coming with wonderful sadness as always, now it's time to expand on that-

OW- Ouch that hurts, but yeah

I can imagine all four would go in pretty deep denial, but in different ways. Or at least stay differently in the five stages of grief. (Even if grief is not a linear journey and you can jump through the different stages without anything being wrong with the person, as you heal in different ways)

Floyd is as you said, making sure "the hideout" is all safe and clean for his baby brother to get home. He's not completely grey, but he's not colorful anymore either. Holding and cuddling the blanket like he did when Branch was just hatched, and as the proud older brother he was, he wanted to carry the baby everywhere. He would be stuck in denial for a long time, but also bargaining. Not much can pull him out, despite his brothers trying. Poppy, once she processes her own grief more, is probably the person who will have the most luck with him, telling him about the wonderful Troll Branch became.

Clay, I think would also stick around the bunker a lot, but also check on all the traps and such Branch made over the years. He's praising his baby brother for all these wonderful inventions, while part of him is so sad Clay couldn't help cultivate that smart brain and the two of them could have done security for Putt Putt. He leans heavily on Viva, but she's also trying to comfort Poppy (despite the two not fully knowing each other). He would be in the denial stage for a while, but longer in anger and bargaining.

Bruce is a family man, and with so many young kids, he can't fully slip into his grief. He's beating himself up day and night for managing to find a safe place, and not going back for his baby brother so he would be safe too. Brandy would definitely be there, but I think it would take a proper breakdown before he even allows himself to grieve. He would be in denial about as long as Floyd, before he would be full on hit with depression.

John Dory would be devastated. In his mind, this is all his fault. He pushed his brothers and the band, causing them to fall apart, and they left Branch behind. If he hadn't been like that in their youth, maybe Branch would have been alive now? Unfortunatly for his mental health, he seems like the type to hide away both himself and his emotions. He would probably take Rhonda to a deep part of the Pop Forest and stay there, close to where Branch lost his life, but not close enough to cause "more damage". His brothers would have to pull him back, and he would be fully grey. He is also holding tigthyl onto Branch's first hugtime bracelet, a tiny thing that reminds him each hour that he failed. Failed as an older brother. Just like Floyd, it would take a lot to pull him out of the grief. He would also be in the depression stage the longest, on account of denying himself help from others.

Soooo, that got sad-

Thanks for the ask^^

[silvermarmoset]

1. Trauma permanently changes us.

This is the big, scary truth about trauma: there is no such thing as “getting over it.” The five stages of grief model marks universal stages in learning to accept loss, but the reality is in fact much bigger: a major life disruption leaves a new normal in its wake. There is no “back to the old me.” You are different now, full stop.

This is not a wholly negative thing. Healing from trauma can also mean finding new strength and joy. The goal of healing is not a papering-over of changes in an effort to preserve or present things as normal. It is to acknowledge and wear your new life — warts, wisdom, and all — with courage.

2.  Presence is always better than distance.

There is a curious illusion that in times of crisis people “need space.” I don’t know where this assumption originated, but in my experience it is almost always false. Trauma is a disfiguring, lonely time even when surrounded in love; to suffer through trauma alone is unbearable. Do not assume others are reaching out, showing up, or covering all the bases.

It is a much lighter burden to say, “Thanks for your love, but please go away,” than to say, “I was hurting and no one cared for me.” If someone says they need space, respect that. Otherwise, err on the side of presence.

3.  Healing is seasonal, not linear.

It is true that healing happens with time. But in the recovery wilderness, emotional healing looks less like a line and more like a wobbly figure-8. It’s perfectly common to get stuck in one stage for months, only to jump to another end entirely … only to find yourself back in the same old mud again next year.

Recovery lasts a long, long time. Expect seasons.

4.  Surviving trauma takes “firefighters” and “builders.” Very few people are both.

This is a tough one. In times of crisis, we want our family, partner, or dearest friends to be everything for us. But surviving trauma requires at least two types of people: the crisis team — those friends who can drop everything and jump into the fray by your side, and the reconstruction crew — those whose calm, steady care will help nudge you out the door into regaining your footing in the world. In my experience, it is extremely rare for any individual to be both a firefighter and a builder. This is one reason why trauma is a lonely experience. Even if you share suffering with others, no one else will be able to fully walk the road with you the whole way.

A hard lesson of trauma is learning to forgive and love your partner, best friend, or family even when they fail at one of these roles. Conversely, one of the deepest joys is finding both kinds of companions beside you on the journey.

5.  Grieving is social, and so is healing.

For as private a pain as trauma is, for all the healing that time and self-work will bring, we are wired for contact. Just as relationships can hurt us most deeply, it is only through relationship that we can be most fully healed.

It’s not easy to know what this looks like — can I trust casual acquaintances with my hurt? If my family is the source of trauma, can they also be the source of healing? How long until this friend walks away? Does communal prayer help or trivialize?

Seeking out shelter in one another requires tremendous courage, but it is a matter of life or paralysis. One way to start is to practice giving shelter to others.

6.  Do not offer platitudes or comparisons. Do not, do not, do not.

“I’m so sorry you lost your son, we lost our dog last year … ” “At least it’s not as bad as … ” “You’ll be stronger when this is over.” “God works in all things for good!”

When a loved one is suffering, we want to comfort them. We offer assurances like the ones above when we don’t know what else to say. But from the inside, these often sting as clueless, careless, or just plain false.

Trauma is terrible. What we need in the aftermath is a friend who can swallow her own discomfort and fear, sit beside us, and just let it be terrible for a while.

7.  Allow those suffering to tell their own stories.

Of course, someone who has suffered trauma may say, “This made me stronger,” or “I’m lucky it’s only (x) and not (z).” That is their prerogative. There is an enormous gulf between having someone else thrust his unsolicited or misapplied silver linings onto you, and discovering hope for one’s self. The story may ultimately sound very much like “God works in all things for good,” but there will be a galaxy of disfigurement and longing and disorientation in that confession. Give the person struggling through trauma the dignity of discovering and owning for himself where, and if, hope endures.

8.  Love shows up in unexpected ways.

This is a mystifying pattern after trauma, particularly for those in broad community: some near-strangers reach out, some close friends fumble to express care. It’s natural for us to weight expressions of love differently: a Hallmark card, while unsatisfying if received from a dear friend, can be deeply touching coming from an old acquaintance.

Ultimately every gesture of love, regardless of the sender, becomes a step along the way to healing. If there are beatitudes for trauma, I’d say the first is, “Blessed are those who give love to anyone in times of hurt, regardless of how recently they’ve talked or awkwardly reconnected or visited cross-country or ignored each other on the metro.” It may not look like what you’d request or expect, but there will be days when surprise love will be the sweetest.

9.  Whatever doesn’t kill you …

In 2011, after a publically humiliating year, comedian Conan O’Brien gave students at Dartmouth College the following warning:

“Nietzsche famously said, ‘Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.’ … What he failed to stress is that it almost kills you.”

Odd things show up after a serious loss and creep into every corner of life: insatiable anxiety in places that used to bring you joy, detachment or frustration towards your closest companions, a deep distrust of love or presence or vulnerability.

There will be days when you feel like a quivering, cowardly shell of yourself, when despair yawns as a terrible chasm, when fear paralyzes any chance for pleasure. This is just a fight that has to be won, over and over and over again.

10.  … Doesn’t kill you.

Living through trauma may teach you resilience. It may help sustain you and others in times of crisis down the road. It may prompt humility. It may make for deeper seasons of joy. It may even make you stronger.

It also may not.

In the end, the hope of life after trauma is simply that you have life after trauma. The days, in their weird and varied richness, go on. So will you. 

Catherine Woodiwiss, “A New Normal: Ten Things I’ve Learned About Trauma” (x) I originally found this on another post but the entire thing was in headline font, so here it is in smaller form. I've linked the original article too because sojo is a good blog!

[sublimecatgalaxy]

hi! im going to actually send this request in. i’ve typed in like 10 of them but i’ve been too anxious to actually hit “ask” LMAO

request: john murphy but any character is fine, fluff/angst, one bed trope, (20) “why do u feel the need to specify we’re just friends?”

I'm so sorry for not replying for so long, shit has been h e c t i c.

But here! I hope you like it, I've never written anything for John before but he does have a soft spot in my heart.

When John and I realized that there was no getting out of the lighthouse, we both went through a variety of emotions- including all five stages of grief. And where I struggled with bargaining and depression, he was nothing but angry for the first few days.

I understand that it's possibly the worst situation we ever could've gotten ourselves into and curiosity definitely killed the cat in this situation. We weren't mentally prepared to be stuck together for an unforeseeable amount of time but, at least in my eyes, he wasn't the worst person to be trapped with.

But as a week or two passed, we both realized that we weren't getting out and we just kind of settled. We ate and slept in our own areas of the bunker, we talked occasionally but we really didn't go out of our way to have conversations regarding our situation or the outside world.

You'd never believe us if we told you we've been friends for years because right now, we can't be any closer than strangers.

"Hey." My head whips around from my solitaire match to see him standing above me, a bashful smile on his lips as he shoves his hands into his pockets. "Can't sleep?"

"Me? Sleep- no." I huff, reaching up to rub my eyes tiredly, a yawn leaving me as I fall back onto the couch. He stands over me, leaning into the couch as his eyes flicker over me, his lips tugging down into a small frown.

"Anythin' you, uh, need to talk about? Get off your chest?" His offer makes me weary, my brows pulling together in confusion with a sarcastic scoff.

"So now you wanna talk?" His eyes roll at my jest but it makes me angry that he's suddenly cooperative after so long of just dealing with my presence. He sneaks around the slide of the couch, sitting down on the arm rest as he gives me a small shrug.

"No, I want you to sleep." He mutters, looking down at his hands as I blink dumbly at him. "Startin' to worry about you. You've been up the last few nights too." I know he's right, I haven't slept in days and there's no reason why. Maybe it's because I can hear John screaming every night from the nightmares that are flashing through his mind, maybe it's because I want nothing more than to reach out to him, to offer comfort.

Or maybe it's because I'm trapped with him.

"I just haven't been very comfortable-"

"Then take the bed-"

"No because if I take the bed, you're going to be all grumpy. God forbid you don't get your beauty sleep." I huff but instead of getting angry, he laughs loudly and tosses his arms up in the air.

"Oh my go- shut up, take the bed, share it with me. I don't care. You need to sleep." He chuckles, reaching forward to grab my hands in his, pulling me off of the couch and up. I look up at him with a tilted look, squinting my eyes at him as his eyes shift back and forth between mine.

"You wanna share the bed?" I ask simply, but his offer makes my chest feel a bit lighter and my overall sense of fear lessen a bit. The thought of curling up beside him, talking to him, feeling close to him like we used to be- it sounds comforting which is something we both need.

"You act like you haven't thought about it." He flirts, sending me a wink as he pulls me back towards the bedroom, swaying our arms in between us as I snort.

"Shut it, Murphy." He grins wickedly, his tired eyes softening as he looks over his shoulder at the bed and he cradles the back of my head and pushes me past him gently. "I'm taking the right side, don't argue and don't touch me." I shove him out of the way with a loud giggle, tossing myself down onto the bed as it coddles my sore, tense muscles.

"You got it." He smiles, pulling his shirt over his head as he flicks off the lights, just in time to shield the flustered look on my face, my eyes immediately averting from him.

He slips down next to me with a relieved sigh, not bothering to give me another look as he slips under the blankets and it takes me a moment to follow him, slipping timidly beneath the sheets. I curl up onto my side without another word, cradling my knees to my chest as John shifts behind me.

I feel his presence behind me, his back only inches from me but then I feel his hand move beneath the blankets and rest on my waist. He scoots towards me, close enough for me to feel his breath on the back of my neck.

"You're touching me." I mutter, craning my neck to look back at him as a small smile stretches across his lips, his hair falling in his face.

"I know." He whispers, his head bobbing in a nod as his chin moves to rest on my shoulder. "Do you want me to stop?" He asks, brows furrowing in confusion as his hand lifts tentatively from my side but I just move back into him.

"No thank you." He relaxes against me, the weight of his chest against me making my heart rate calm and spinning thoughts slow a bit. For the first time in weeks, I actually begin to feel sleepy, my heavy and sore eyes finally shutting as he whispers.

"We're friends, Y/n. Coulda just told me you needed me." He hums, soothing his hand up the expanse of my waist, down to my hip.

“Why do you feel the need to specify we’re just friends?” I ask, slowly flipping around in my spot to look at him, my hands instinctively reaching out to rest on his chest, drawing circles on his pale skin.

"Well then what are we?" He asks with a small smirk on his lips and I can't fight the smile that takes over my expression, my eyes bashfully flickering away from him.

"I don't know- more than that, I think." I mumble nervously, my eyes fluttering shut as he laughs and tugs me into his chest.

"Yeah? Well, looks like we've got plenty of time together to figure that shit out."

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o- Taglist: @bubblebuttwade @rafelover2405 @leslienjazzy @sorceresss @grxnde-dwt @alex–awesome–22 @bunnietoof @niyamar1e @serialghost @plantlungs @geniusohn @akaliltimmytim @lilaalouuxx @xshariex @elliotsbeigeguitar @elle4404 @lelieja @srhxpci @joselyn001 @taysirene @spinkspanther @thedivineuphoria @peter-maximoffs @tsukishimawhore @poohkie90 @szlaco @distantsighs @nstyles4299 @wolflover384 @givemefoodandlovesstuff @vane2828 @yeswhatever33 @amirrahfranson @vvaalleennttiinna @f-mu @yaspillz @jeyramarie @skylievin@abbybarnes17 @jointherebellion215 @visiondaddy @steezysimfinds @its-ya-gay-boi-luigi

@crunchytoenailsyum@glizzymcguirex @beth123lg @melovesmut @rafecameronswhore @ariianelle @write-from-the-heart @vampviolets@haylee-e@popehaywardssecretgf @honee-chai-tea @lokiandbuckywife @smoke-and-fire @officiallyunofficialperson@heyaitsklaudia@rosepetalsparks @bluetreecloud20 @scenesofobx @double-shot-of-tequila @1dluver13xx @colbysbrocks @iamasimpingh0e @smoke-and-fire386 @loveshineslikethesky @id-3-kbro @diorsitgirl @errorfound101-allideasburnedout @neverwillknowme18 @ellyskey @taylors-folk @loversjoy @myaloveee @thyris-is @lagataprrr @aaaaslaaaan @minjix @luvrosee @storytellingwitht

[to-the-stars8]

Love and Neighbors

Pairings; Clark Kent x Reader 1-Small Talk In Elevators 2-Thin Walls 3-Humming In Elevators 4-Coffee Breaks 5- Cherry Pies 6-Dead Vibrators 7-Entitled Old Ladies 8-Friendly Neighborhood Reporter

9-Five Stages of Grief

You sat on the lawn chair atop of your apartment building, a cigarette in one hand and a bottle of pop in the other. There hadn’t been a single puff taken from it as you let it burn out as you waited. For the past two days, you hadn’t seen Clark, which wasn’t unusual, but it let you simmer on the thought of him being the man of steel. Between the hours you went through the five stages of grief. 

Denial. You were absolutely sure that he couldn’t be Superman. It made no sense. He tripped over his words and his feet--Not like the grace you had seen the other day. Clark was just too normal to be anything but. Then again, there had been some suspicious things he had done. 

Anger. If--very heavy hard if-- he was Superman, why hadn’t you noticed it before? Frustration bubbled in your chest. Not at him, but at yourself. Clark could tell you whenever he was ready or wanted to, that choice to reveal who was up to him. But, all the things he had done that were so obvious, like suddenly changing his furniture within minutes, is what made you feel incredibly fucking stupid. 

Bargaining. Should you tell him about your knowledge of his secret identity? You would rather go on for the rest of your life pretending not to know than risk your friendship. Where would that leave you, though? You felt stuck on the idea. The last thing you wanted to do was spend your days saying something like if I had never told him maybe he would still be around. 

Depression. You spiraled downward trying to reason with your feelings. Nothing could keep your attention for too long as the thought of how you were going to tell him consumed you. You laid in bed for hours after work, even ignoring the knock on the door from Clark as you were too exhausted and emotional to look at him. Damn, him being Superman was really fucking with you. 

Acceptance. After watching Clark walk to work that morning, you realized that he had been for your friend for what felt like forever, and wasn’t the type to get too upset about things. You two could talk it out, just like all the other little quarrels before. He was Superman, a fact that you didn’t really care too much about because he was still your neighbor Clark. 

He was still Clark, you reminded yourself when you looked up and saw him floating a few feet in front of you. Superman sat there with a smile on his face, nodding down to the cigarette he saw in your hand. 

“Stressful day?” He asked as he landed on the rooftop. 

You flicked away the bud, shaking your hand to get the stray ashes off. “You could say that.”

“You seem tense, wanna talk about it?” Now that, that was definitely a Clark question you realized. 

You didn’t answer him, only sighing as you tried to think of what to say. Staring at Superman, who now was only a few feet in front of you, you noticed exactly how little effort it would have taken to notice it was your neighbor that you had been living next to you for God knows how long. 

Standing up, you crossed your arms, looking into his eyes so you could see exactly what he was feeling. “You forgot your jacket at my place.”

There was a moment of surprise before immediate panic. “What?”

“Your jacket, Clark. I have your jacket.”

“How?”

You rolled your eyes, trying to come off nonchalant despite your heart beating wildly in your chest. Luckily, for you, you didn’t know Clark could hear how fast it was beating. He was just glad you couldn’t hear his. 

A small, cautious smile slowly made its way across your face for a second. “No one’s got pretty blue eyes like yours, my lovely.”

Clark chuckled, putting his hands on his hips as he looked at the ground, thinking about how fucking stupid he was. You saw him nearly every day, were close to him on several occasions, heard his voice--Everything Lois had done, but you had figured it out way sooner. 

“You’re not mad?” He asked. 

You shook your head. “You got a reason for me to be?”

“Nope,” Clark said as fast as his mouth would let him so you wouldn’t change your mind. 

“Clark, are we still friends?”

Now that confused him. “Of course. Why wouldn’t we be? Didn’t sell me out just yet, did you?”

“No, never,” You said quietly. “I…We’re still the same as before? This doesn’t change anything, right?”

“Well,” He scratched his chin before breaking out into a bashful smile. “Can’t make anymore balls of steel jokes.”

Your face felt hot, but you managed a small laugh despite the utter horror. Clark couldn’t help himself, he walked over to you and picked you up in a huge hug. The biggest weight in the world had just been lifted off his chest. Giggles spilled from you as you wrapped your arms around his neck. His hugs were still like Clark Kent, even in the suit. 

“Quick question,” You said, pulling back to look at him. “You’ve never peeked on me through the wall, right?”

Clark flushed but shook his head. It was a bit of a fib. He had once and that was because he thought someone was hurting you. Turns out, you were by yourself having fun. He could still feel the guilt eating at his heart. 

“One more thing,” You said. “Can you fly me around the city?”

“Last time I flew with you, you yelled in my ear.”

“I won’t! I promise, please,” You pleaded. 

Not able to say no because Clark knew it would be a hell of a lot of fun to fly with you, he lifted you up. You laughed wildly this time, pulling yourself closer to him to look over his shoulder down at the city. 

“You never get used to it,” Clark said into your ear. “It’s always beautiful.”

You leaned your head against his. “I’m a bit mad now. You kept this away from me.”

“Not anymore,” Clark mumbled. 

“Yeah,” You said. There was a brief pause. “Can we go through a McDonald’s like this?”

“I regret saying yes to this now.”

[celticcrossanon]

BRF Reading - 31st of March 2022

This is speculation only

Cards drawn on the 31st of March 2022

Question: What is Harry up to, now that his grandfather's memorial is over?

Note: As I shuffled the cards and laid them out I felt heavy, lethargic, and ill in my stomach. Now, as I start to interpret them, I am developing a headache. If this is Harry's energy then he is not well at all. At the halfway mark, I can say that typing up this reading is like walking through toxic sludge. The energy is heavy and it drags you down. I have to get up after each two cards and go and do something else to release the energy and ground myself before I come back and tackle the next pair of cards. Harry's energy has definitely devolved since the last time I read on him.

Interpretation: Harry is planning something underhanded that is aimed at his brother and possibly his father. It will be supported by lies and distortions around his past within the BRF.

Card One: The Five of Cups. This is a card of sorrow, loss, and mourning. In this deck, it refers particularly to the loss of a family member, as the card shows Psyche chasing after her husband, the god Eros, as he flees their bedchamber. The energy of this card is one of sorrow, resentment, and regret (resentment = anger= the second stage of grief according to the dabda model).

I think that Harry is mourning for his grandfather and he regrets not going to the memorial. At the same time, Harry is upset over his loss of status in the BRF and he is angry at them for not giving in to his demands so he could have attended the memorial without being embarrassed by his loss of status.

If you look at the picture, you can see that four cups are tipped over and only one is left upright. Harry is focusing on what he has lost instead of being grateful for what he has left and using that to rebuild his family relationships. Instead, he is throwing a temper tantrum and using emotional blackmail (Cups are emotions) to try and regain his lost status (e.g. If you don't give this to me than I won't come to the memorial), and when that doesn't work he is running away, like Eros in the card, only Harry is running away and sulking until someone comes after him and gives in to him to make him feel better. These tactics are not working, and that makes him upset and angry and resentful all at once.

Card Two: The Tower. This is a card about having part or all of your life completely disrupted and torn down to rubble, leaving you to rebuild from scratch. Prince Philip's memorial and possibly other events in his life have triggered a Tower moment for Harry.

Harry really believed that the BRF would give in and give him what he wanted so he could attend the memorial - the first class hotel room, the over the top security, the permanent IPP status, and whatever else he demanded for himself, his wife and his children (titles?). Instead, he has been told No and the BRF have stuck to the No, quite possibly for the first time in his life. He is in shock that he didn't get what he demanded. His emotional blackmail did not work. I think for the first time in his life, his absolute certainty that the BRF will always be there for him and will always bail him out of his messes has been shaken, and he is not taking it well.

What is standing out for me on this card is the sea and the God Poseidon, the lord of the sea, stirring up the waves into a huge storm. Water is emotion in the tarot, so this tells me that Harry is experiencing many turbulent and almost overwhelming emotions at the moment. This Tower moment is focused on his emotions.

I am getting a lot of anger from this card - huge waves of it, just like the huge waves of the stormy sea in the picture. Poseidon was known for his temper, and The Tower is the card of Mars, the planet that rules our anger/desire/willpower/masculine principle. I think Harry is furious that his scheme did not work, upset that he didn't attend the memorial because of his scheme and his inability to back down, and instead of taking responsibility for his actions, he is blaming the BRF and lashing out at them however he can. This card feels like a full scale temper tantrum to me, with a vindictive desire to hurt his family as much as possible underneath it.

The god on this card is Poseidon, known as Neptune to the Romans, and Neptune is the planet of illusions and self deception - and over indulging in alcohol and playing the victim (among other things, of course). I think there is a fair bit of self deception going on here with Harry, along with drowning his sorrows in alcohol as often as he can.

Card Three: The Ten of Wands. This is the card of being burdened, and as I pick it up to write about it, the feeling of lethargy from the reading grows and intensifies, and I feel a pressure at the back of my neck and along my shoulders, as if I am physically carrying a burden.

Harry is feeling burdened by his life, and the burdens feel very heavy and are overwhelming to him. He is struggling to find the energy to get through each day. If I felt all the time like I do when I look at this card, I would want to stay in bed all day as well. The energy of this card is of having no joy in life, no spark, nothing to look forward to in each day. The motions of life (eating, getting dressed, going to work) feel oppressive and it feels as if there is barely enough energy to do them. There is a definite sense of not caring - I don't care what I eat, I don't care what I wear etc - and I would not be surprised if Harry was drinking to get away from this feeling.

The prize of Megxit, freedom, is not valued any more. Like the golden fleece in the image, it is discarded and ignored. The things that come with this freedom - paying bills, paying off a mortgage, having to go to work, having to buy your own groceries etc - have become a huge burden for Harry and he wants someone else to take this burden off his shoulders and do them for him. Beyond this, there is a heavy, lethargic, oppressive feeling that will not go away even when someone else is taking care of all the bill paying, grocery shopping etc. Harry has no joy in anything. He barely has the energy to get through each day. His work appearances are a drain on his limited energy, and I think that they are a burden to him as well.

There is a lot of tension in this card as well - a lot of tension and stress that Harry is storing in his body and self medicating with alcohol, and also a simmering resentment at feeling this way and blaming the BRF for feeling this way (if they just gave me what I asked for, I would feel better - that sort of thinking - and a whiney energy of 'why can't I just have everything arranged for me like I did when I was at home (in the BRF), so I just show up and talk to people and then leave. Why do I have to work for money?'

I have developed a throbbing headache at this point, just from reading this card, so I will leave this interpretation here.

Card Four: The Seven of Swords. This is sometimes known as the thief card. It is a card of diplomacy, secrecy, cunning, and deceit. The picture shows Orestes sneaking into a city to kill his mother, the Queen. The energy from this card is sharp, sly, and deceitful. It is a malicious energy, taking pleasure in underhanded acts and gloating about their effect on the people involved.

The picture tells me that Harry is going to attack his family in some way, as Orestes attacked his mother. The energy says that this is going to be a sly, underhanded attack, coming under the cover of something else (like Orestes sneaking into the city under the cover of darkness). It will involve deception and possibly bribery (like Orestes might bribe the guards to let him in to the city). We can see broken columns on the left of the picture - trash that has been thrown out. That is they way Orestes is entering the city in the picture, via the trash, and that is how this attack will come - via trash or rubbish of some sort that people will take up and spread (because they are paid to do so?). The picture is at nightime, so everything is obscured by the shadows/darkness, and Orestes is going through a small door in the base of a wall, so it will be a smallish chink in the wall around the BRF/reputation of the BRF that Harry seeks to exploit.

The maliciousness of this energy can not be overstated. It is a deliberate attempt to 'kill' part of the BRF and it is done consciously and knowingly by Harry. He is gloating over the pain that he thinks this will cause members of his family. It feels like a toddler throwing a tantrum and saying "I don't love you" to hurt their parent because they haven't got their own way, only this desire to hurt is coming from an adult who has sat down and planned it in cold blood. This is revenge, by Harry, for the BRF not giving him the security etc he wanted to attend his grandfather's memorial service.

Card Five: The Sun. This is normally a very positive and optimistic card, but not in this reading. Here it shows two energies.

The first is of overconfidence - Harry is overestimating his abilities and underestimating those of the BRF. It is an energy of braggadocio, like at Prince Philip's funeral when Harry came face to face with William and said (referring to the Oprah interview) 'Well, what do you think about that?' (or something similar). A cocky, overconfident, I-will-rub-your-face-in-it type of energy. harry might very well be less successful than he wishes with his revenge plans because of this attitude of his.

The second energy is of William, the solstice king, the son who is the heir of the heir to the throne. Harry's malice is directed specifically at William.

Card Six: The Emperor. This is the card of the father, the male ruler, the ultimate patriarchal figure. This could refer to Prince Charles, who is now the male head of the BRF, but that is a smaller energy from this card. The main energy is that of the position of future King of England, both Charles and very definitely William.

Harry is going after William's position as King of England. He wants to destroy that, so William can never be king. If his father is hurt in the process then that is just collateral damage according to this energy. Harry does not want William to be king and he is deliberately and maliciously planning things to make sure that this never happens. Part of the energy is anger at his father, Prince Charles, but the main thrust of it is anger at his brother and a strong malicious determination, powered by a seething resentment, that says that William can never be king as he is not allowed to be greater or better than Harry.

It sounds absurd but the energy feels like Harry is plotting to throw William down and take his place. That is the only way I can describe it. If you look at the picture on the card, the crowned man on the throne has red hair, and he is holding thunderbolts. When I look at the picture of the emperor on the card I feel an energy that I can only express as 'I will be King and my word will be law. Everyone will do exactly as I want or I will strike them down (the thunderbolts)." It is a very immature and flawed idea of what a king does and what his power is, but that is what comes through - a real power rush and ego driven burst of energy.

Whether Harry can sustain this energy and bring his plots to fulfilment is another matter entirely. The overconfidence of the energy in the Sun card tells me that he won't succeed, but he can definitely hurt people trying to succeed. This is a rampant, out of control ego energy, full of entitlement - exactly the energy that Harry has shown in the past. Instead of pulling it in and disciplining himself, Harry is letting his ego run wild all over the place. I don't know whether these are just daydreams caused by overestimating his abilities, designed to soothe an ego wounded by not having his demands met, or whether he will try to carry them out.

He is definitely going to try something (the Seven of Swords), but whether it is just lashing out in anger (you said No so I am going to hurt you) or whether he is deliberately planning something to bring William down - I don't know. I strongly suspect the former (lashing out), and that the revenge dreams of kicking William off the throne are just that - daydreams - but I don't know. It is not Harry himself I am worried about, but what he may do under the guidance and encouragement of other people.

I definitely did not expect that energy from this card. I thought it was just his daddy issues coming up again when I first saw it in the reading. Wow. Harry has deeper resentment issues than I knew.

Underlying Energy One: The Moon. Deceit. Lies. Illusion. Deceptions. Whatever Harry is thinking, whatever stories or daydreams he is telling himself, they are not based on truth. His whole existence at the moment seems to be based on lies and deceit. He is suing those lies to power his resentment against the BRF, instead of admitting that what has happened to him is the result of his own actions and hence is his own fault. Instead of saying 'Yes, I missed my grandfather's memorial service because I tried to use it for emotional blackmail and backed myself into a corner with it', he is saying 'It's all my family's fault that I missed my grandfather's funeral, because they didn't give me what I needed to travel to England'. Instead of saying 'Yes, William is my older brother and he will be King, and I have a place at his side supporting him', he is saying 'My family always said we would be rulers together and now they have broken their word and it is not fair'. It is not those words, exactly, but that sort of energy - twisting things to make himself out to be a persecuted victim in his mind instead of facing the truth and admitting his part in it. That is the energy I am getting from the Moon card in this reading, and that is what is powering all the anger and resentment in the cards in the reading.

Underlying Energy Two: The Six of Cups. This is a card of childhood, of looking back on the past with fond nostalgia. The card shows Psyche sitting down and going over her past marriage to Eros in her mind. She will then use this reflection as a basis for her future actions.

Harry, like Psyche, is looking over his past and using it as a basis for his future actions. Unlike Psyche, he is not remembering the past truthfully, but through a distortion of illusions and half truths, as shown by the Moon card. He is clinging to his victim role and refusing to see things from any other perspective. The Six of Cups can also indicate a lack of joy in life and a longing to be taken care of like you were a child, both energies that can be found in the Ten of Wands card in the row above.

Conclusion: The question was 'What is Harry up to?'

He is upset over his grandfather's death, but he blames the BRF for him not attending the memorial service, as they did not give in to his emotional blackmail over security and any other demands. This has given him a Tower moment, where instead of examining his emotions and actions honestly, he is filled with anger and turmoil over the BRF saying No to his demands and he is blaming them for his actions, instead of himself. He is using alcohol to self medicate and ignore his emotional state.

Harry is feeling very oppressed and has no energy and no joy in life. The everyday actions of life are a burden to him and he has little energy for them. He resents having to work for money and wants everything done for him, so he just has to show up at the end, like it was when he was a member of the BRF in the past (or as he remembers it being in the past). He reacts to this sense of oppression by blaming his family for it, and he wants to hurt his family in retaliation for this and for their actions in saying No to him. He is being cold blooded and malicious in his plans to use rubbish (trashy tabloids, gossip, anything that is seen as trash) and deceit to 'kill' his family in some manner.

This revenge is directed mainly at his brother and his role as future king, as Harry can't stand to see his brother elevated over him. He may be comforting himself with daydreams about removing his brother from the throne, or he may actually try to do this in some way. Either way, he has something planned that he is going to use to 'kill' or take down his family, especially William. This something may be based on lies about his past life with the BRF. He is overconfident about his plans and gloating over their effect on his family.

Harry is building a narrative in his mind that he believes to be the truth of his life, a narrative based on lies and self deception. He refuses to face the truth of his past, and instead uses a distorted version to justify his actions against his family.

[themayforce]

Pretty in Pink - Part 2

Link to part 1

Summary: After the events down on the planet, you're not sure how to talk to Rex about it. But luckily, Fives and Echo are here to help.

Description: Things get steamy again in this one. Afab!Reader (no gendered language), foursome, double (or i guess triple) penetration (in both holes), unprotected sex (wrap it up fellas), some degradation, and a little bit of spanking

Rating: 18+ explicit

Pairings: Rex+Fives+Echo/Reader

Words: 7481 (literally i only just found out about this word count and uhhhh i don't know how this happened)

There aren’t enough hours in a day for all the work you have to get done. Since getting back to Coruscant, it's like you've been stuck in an endless meeting with every possible senator, advisor, administrator, or whatever title these politicians had chosen to use. The first few meetings had been important, but soon you had no real part in the discussions anymore and you just watched from the back of the room, exhausted.

It doesn't help that events from a certain planet keep replaying in your mind like a holovid stuck on a loop, glitching and catching on moments and phrases you should not be thinking about in the middle of a meeting room. The heat in your face and your anxiety about it make you even more tired, and after a week of these negotiations you're very glad when you can finally get home before dark for once.

The lights in your apartment automatically switch on when you open the door. The soft pink and orange hues from the sunset outside drape over your living room like a blanket and you spend a few minutes just looking out the window, admiring the view over the city, something you didn’t take as much time for as you should.

No matter how hard you try, it’s impossible to empty your mind these days. Your little … adventure with your three clone friends left its marks on you, both emotionally and physically. They’re fading now, but every time you see yourself in the mirror before showering they jump out at you: two rows of bruises on either side of your hips, unmistakably finger shaped. Rex’s handiwork. And the worst part is that it turns you on more than you’d ever care to admit.

You haven’t spoken to Rex at all since flying back on the shuttle. He had been in two of the same meetings as you, sure, but only awkward glances were exchanged, no words. It bothers you, having these feelings fester inside you, but you have no idea how to approach the subject. If you send him a comlink message, what are you even supposed to say? ‘Hey Captain, I think we should discuss how you fucked my kriffing brains out and then pretended it never happened?’

The day after you got back, Fives and Echo had been waiting for you after your checkup in the medbay, bless their hearts. You had all agreed to leave out the specifics of what had happened in your official reports, but a warning had been attached to that planet’s datalog. Avoid the pink flowers: toxic to most humanoids. With those two guys, you can laugh about it now, and you’re grateful for it. Fives seems more relaxed around you, more open. You haven’t forgotten that he called you beautiful, that he held your hand and brushed the hair out of your face. You see the way he looks at you, and it melts you, the way a hot cup of caf on a cold day does. But you just can’t seem to examine your feelings about Fives, not while Rex’s fire burns inside you so vigorously.

If you don’t talk to him soon, you probably never will, and you’re not sure you can take that. You get a glass of water from the kitchen and down it in one go before laying down on your couch, comlink in hand.

Should you call him? Leave him a holo message? Or just a text message? He’s probably very busy, probably doesn’t even have time to meet with you, but there’s no way you can talk it out over the com. The little device feels heavy in your hand as you type out the message ‘Can we talk?’, and your thumb hovers over the send button. What if he says no? Or just doesn’t reply? What if he’s trying to forget what happened, and bringing it up will just anger him? But he’d called you perfect, had fucked you like a man possessed. You look like such a good little whore. Those words won’t stop echoing in your mind.

You press your face into a throw pillow and groan. “Stupid clones,” you mutter to yourself. “Stupid, sexy clones.”

It’s only when the buzzer to your front door wakes you up that you notice you had dozed off in the first place. Quickly, you smooth out your clothes and flip the throw pillow over with the drool-stained side down. You're not expecting any guests -- you were too tired to make plans this week -- so you're frowning when you open the door.

Your frown turns into a surprised smile when you see Fives and Echo standing in front of you. Their helmets are tucked under their arm, and Fives is holding a bottle of something that looks like alcohol, while Echo has a plain white box in his hands.

"Hey there, sunshine," Fives says with a sheepish grin that nestles itself in your heart.

"Guys! What's all this?"

“Hope this isn’t a bad time,” Fives starts, but Echo interrupts him.

“Fives wanted to-” A sharp look from his friend makes him rephrase his sentence. “Fives and I wanted to check up on you.”

“We saw you in one of the meeting rooms today, and you looked tired, so- oh, not that you look bad, you still look great, just-” You laugh, and that puts Fives at ease. He smiles back at you.

“You’re really too sweet. Please, come in.”

You step aside to let your friends into your home, both of them still wearing their armor. They must have come here right after their shift, and it warms your heart that they chose to see you instead of getting their well-earned rest.

“Brought you something,” Fives says, handing you the bottle he’s holding. “Thought you might like a drink.” It‘s a familiar bottle to you, the most common type of Corellian Red on the market, and one of your favorites, which Fives remembered.

“Aw, you shouldn’t have. But you’re absolutely right. I could really use a drink.”

Echo’s white box happens to be the best kind of box: a cake box, and time flies by while the three of you eat cake and empty the wine bottle. It’s nice, really nice, to just hang out like this. Despite the unspoken truth between you and Fives, it doesn’t feel awkward -- instead it draws something giddy and flirtatious out of you, though that may be in part due to the wine. One third of a bottle isn’t enough to get you drunk, but it’s definitely enough to get you tipsy, and soon enough you have your legs in Fives’ lap on the couch. He rubs circles on your calves with his thumb. He blushes. Echo laughs. The whole thing is adorable.

For the second time tonight, the buzzer of the front door interrupts you. This time, aided by the buzz of alcohol, you’re a lot more relaxed as you make your way across the room, glass in hand. There’s music playing from a concert on your holoscreen -- you don’t know the song or the singer, but the rhythm puts a spring in your step and there’s a smile on your face when you open the door.

Your expression shifts to one of open-mouthed confusion when you are met with another set of blue and white plastoid armor, worn by the man you so desperately wanted to talk to earlier today. And that's not all -- clutched in Rex's hands is a beautiful bouquet of yellow and white flowers, perfectly arranged like it's come straight out of a holo-ad for one of those high-end florists from Naboo.

You're speechless. Absolutely floored. Not just by the fact that Captain Rex brought you flowers, but that he decided to do this now, tonight, after ignoring you for over a week and- oh no. Did you accidentally send that comlink message? Is that why he's here? You would never even have considered sending it if you knew you'd have company tonight, but Rex doesn't know that and now he's here and so are Fives and Echo and every possible explanation you can give will bring trouble.

Blood rushes to your head as you try to think of something to say, but Fives and Echo beat you to it.

"Captain!" they exclaim in almost perfect unison while they jump up from their seats.

"Captain…" you repeat, at a loss for any other words. "I- I wasn't expecting-" You can't finish your sentence. Rex looks like he's going through all stages of grief simultaneously -- jaw tightening, brows furrowing, while his gaze darts between you and the clones behind you.

"I'll come back another time."

“No!” you say before you can stop yourself, “I mean, you’re welcome to come have a drink?” It’s embarrassing, the sheepish way you’re smiling at him, but he did just bring you flowers.

“Are those for me?” you ask, gesturing at the bouquet. Rex looks at the flowers like he had temporarily forgotten he was holding them, then hands them over to you.

“Yes. I hope you uh,” he hesitates, “are feeling better.”

“I am, thank you.”

This is unbearable. You want to scream, to either pull him inside or slam the door in his face, anything to make this painful situation end. You can feel Fives’ eyes burn into you from behind you, knowing that you have to explain why his kriffing Captain is bringing you flowers, when you can’t even explain it to yourself.

“So do you w-” you begin to invite Rex inside, pointing your thumb towards the living room, but he starts speaking at the same time.

“I’ll talk to you later. Goodnight. Troopers.”

With a curt nod and a sharp turn, he marches down the walkway, away from you.

You rush over to the low table next to your couch where you left your comlink and after you lay the bouquet down you check your message history. The words ‘Can we talk’ are still blinking up at you from the bottom of the display, unsent. The whole thing was a kriffing coincidence.

“So,” Echo says, pressing a button on the holoscreen to mute it, “what just happened?”

You groan as you let yourself drop down on the couch. Fives sits back down next to you, but his posture isn’t as relaxed as it was a few minutes ago.

“I don’t know if I should talk about it,” you say softly, burying your face in your hands.

"He …" Fives sighs deeply and turns his body towards you. "He also got involved back on that planet, didn't he?"

You nod without looking up. No point in lying about it now, and besides, it was Rex who decided to be weird about the whole thing.

"Said so, didn't I?" Echo says.

"Kriff, yeah, you were right. I really must've slept through it."

Now you sit up, bouncing your gaze between the two of them. “You knew?” you ask, confused.

“Not for sure,” Echo replies, “I stepped away for half an hour or so to fix the transmitter. But something was different about the Captain when I got back.”

Yeah, you could say that. It would’ve been a lot easier if he hadn’t been so secretive about the whole thing.

"I wanted to talk to him about it, but I thought he was avoiding me… Well, until-"

"Until he showed up unannounced at your apartment with flowers," Fives interrupts. There’s a small grin on his face as he shakes his head. "Stars, he's hopeless. We should give him some pointers."

Pointers? He wants Rex to be, what? Better at courting you?

“Wait… I thought-”

“I’d be jealous? Eh, a little, I can’t deny that. But one thing you need to know about clones,” Fives says with a knowing look to Echo, “is that we’re very good at sharing.”

His words make your face burn, your cheeks feel like the twin suns of Tatooine with how hot they are, and your breath hitches in your throat.

Echo chuckles at your reaction and moves to sit down on the couch as well. Stars, why was it making you so flustered to be sandwiched between the two of them?

“Fives was right. You really are cute when you get nervous.”

“I’m always right,” Fives jokes in return, “but more importantly…” He leans over and gently presses his thumb and index finger against your chin, turning your head to look at him. “Would you like that, sunshine? The three of us sharing you?” His thumb now grazes over your bottom lip. If he keeps this up, you might forget how to speak. Or forget your own kriffing name.

“Y-yes,” you whisper.

“Good.” He holds your gaze lovingly, his eyes darting down to your bottom lip. You’re hoping he might kiss you, but then he takes his hand away and smiles slightly.

“Better ask the Captain to come back, then.”

You fumble with your comlink and almost drop it while you type your new message to Rex. ‘Please come back. We want to talk to you.’ That’s the line you all agreed upon.

“While we wait…” Echo leans closer to you and lowers his voice. “Fives here never shuts up about wanting to kiss you.”

“Echo!” Fives hisses, embarrassed.

“Sooo,” you say, turning to him with a bashful grin, “what are you waiting for, then?”

Fives blinks a few times, and then with one swooping motion he pulls you into his lap, and puts his mouth to yours. His lips are sweet from the cake and the wine, his hands warm as he holds onto your waist. He’s firm and soft at the same time and it’s perfect -- until you move slightly and part of his armor pinches your skin, making you wince.

“Okay, you better take this off now,” you say, tapping one of his thigh plates with your fingernail, “or someone’s gonna get hurt.”

“That a promise?” Fives mutters against your cheek, making you giggle.

It’s touching how much care they put in taking off their armor. Just by watching them undress you can tell how important it is to them, almost sacred. They put every piece neatly on top of the other in the same way, like they were taught precisely how. Soon they stand before you in their tight black underclothes, still completely covered, but softer to the touch. The stretchy fabric doesn’t hide much. In fact, it accentuates the shape of their muscles and, well, other parts. You chew on your lip while you watch them move closer to you.

“Your turn, sunshine,” Fives states. “Let’s give the Captain a little surprise when we open the door for him.”

A small whine escapes your lips when you process his words, but you gladly oblige. As soon as you stand up from the couch, they’re on either side of you, so close it’s almost dizzying. They help you undo the clasps on your outfit and soon enough, you’re left only in your underclothes. Nothing fancy -- it was supposed to just be a regular work day when you got dressed this morning -- but at least it was a matching pair. Fives can’t seem to help himself and nuzzles his face into your neck, leaving open-mouthed kisses that send shivers down your spine and he makes his way back up past your jaw, until he captures your mouth again. His second kiss is more intense, deeper, hotter, and as his tongue moves against yours, you feel the wetness between your thighs increasing. While Fives kisses you, Echo runs his fingers down your breastbone softly, before brushing them over your nipples through the thin fabric of your bra. He’s gentle, like he doesn’t want to distract you from Fives’ kiss, but it still makes you shiver, the hairs on your arms standing up with the thrill of it.

And then, the buzzer again. When Echo goes to open the door, you instinctively want to turn around, too shy to face Rex in your state of undress, but Fives holds you with your back to his chest and his hands on your shoulders, rubbing them softly. He presses a kiss to your temple.

When the door swings open, your eyes meet Rex’s almost instantly.

"What's going on?" Rex asks, but his voice isn't demanding. Quite the opposite, there's almost a quiver in it as his gaze moves over your body, then quickly away again.

Echo leads him into the room by the back of his arm and smirks.

"Well, Captain, Fives and I have a little … gift for you, if you want to join us."

"We know you got involved, sir. With the toxin situation. No need to be ashamed. In fact, I think we can all benefit from this situation." Fives’ mouth comes up right next to your ear and you can feel the tickle of his goatee. "Why don't you tell him what you told us?" Fives whispers to you. Kriff, he wants you to proposition Rex? Out loud?

"I-I… well…" Alright, breathe, you can do this. You know what you want.

"I want… I want all three of you."

Rex’s eyes seem to darken, his posture heavy when he walks over to you. Fives lets go of you now, taking a step back to give the two of you more space.

"Stars," Rex breathes, "y-you're sure?"

"I'm sure." To help ease his doubts, you trace a path up his armor with your hands, resting your arms around his neck, and kiss him. He seems frozen for a second against your lips, but then he returns your kiss eagerly, warm hands grazing over your hips. When he touches you, his breath hitches, remembering you are near-naked in front of him. He breaks the kiss and rests his forehead against yours.

“I felt- I thought I had taken advantage of you. You were so vulnerable, and I was- I couldn’t control myself, I was too rough-”

"Look," you say softly, turning around to show him the remnants of your bruises.

"Is that- did I do that? Kriff, I didn't intend to-"

You interrupt him. "You can do it again, if you want. Keep doing it, so they never fade.”

Rex swallows, but before he can reply you come up with a new idea.

"I want to thank the three of you for saving my life," you say, and you can't help the shy smile that graces your face as you unclasp your bra, shaking it off and revealing your breasts. You take Fives and Rex by the hand and look Echo in the eye sweetly as you lead the three of them to your bedroom.

"There's no need-" Fives interrupts, but you shush him with a finger to his lips.

"I'm going to thank you," you say more firmly this time. You press a quick kiss to his lips before sinking to your knees before him, your eyes lining up with the visible hard-on under his clothes. Your fingers find the waistband of his black compression pants and his briefs below them.

"Oh, stars, sunshine-" His words catch in his throat when you peel the fabric down, revealing his bare cock to you, exactly the way you remembered it. Fuck, you'd fantasized about this late at night, pushing your own fingers into your mouth, imagining how much their cocks might fill you. You can't help but lick your lips before gently wrapping your hand around the base, drawing soft curses from Fives' lips. Your tongue finds the head of his cock, giving it a few kitten licks before letting your lips wrap around it. You hum contentedly as you let him enter further into your mouth, gently licking and sucking and reeling with pride whenever you draw a noise out of him. When you take him in as far as you can go without gagging, you feel his hand coming to rest on top of your head and you let him guide your pace.

"Fuck, your mouth feels amazing, sweetheart. You- you wanna show the other guys what you can do too?"

You whine when he takes his cock out of your mouth, but then you realize he meant show them right now, at the same time, because both Rex and Echo have taken their compression pants off (and Rex his armor, too) and you're greeted by two more of their cocks, hard and leaking and so close to your face.

"My lucky day," you joke, but your heart is beating fast with the knowledge you haven't exactly done this before. You just hope you can give all of them the attention they deserve.

Rex stands closest to you, and his cock twitches as you reach to hold it. His hips jerk forward when you press your tongue flat against the underside, tracing a vein that runs all the way along it. Just like Fives, he reaches for your head -- when you take one of his balls into your mouth and suckle on it softly, his fingers tighten their grip into your hair, his breath hitching with every stroke of your hand along his cock. After you give the other ball some attention, you move back to his cock, bobbing your head along it gently until he suddenly thrusts forward, hitting the back of your throat, making you gag.

"Kriff, sorry-"

But you persevere, spurred on to try and take him even deeper even with tears forming in your eyes. The sounds of you struggling to take him down your throat are joined with the sounds of Fives and Echo stroking their own cocks lazily on either side of you. It's lewd, but deliciously so, and your cunt throbs knowing that it's the sight of you that's turning them on.

You swallow around Rex's cock and he curses again, pulling himself out of your mouth.

"I won't l-last long if you keep that up, beautiful," he says, wiping some saliva mixed with precum away from your chin. Your stomach flutters at the pet name, a silly youngling feeling that feels unfitting to the current situation, but you find yourself wanting to hear it again and again.

Instead you turn again to take care of Echo, who seems to be enjoying himself -- his hand is wrapped tightly around the base of his cock and he smiles down at you.

"Your turn, mister," you tease, and a small chuckle escapes his throat.

"Stars, baby, you’re so cute."

Smiling, you lick up the sizable drop of precum that has formed at the head of his cock, drawing small circles around the opening with your tongue. Then much like before, you try to fit as much of him inside you as possible until you gag again -- the unpleasant feeling is somehow unbearably arousing to you, just knowing that his cock is so big, knowing your throat and jaw will hurt after, it sends lightning straight down between your legs.

"Look at me, baby," Echo coos fondly, "that's right, you like my cock, don't you, pretty eyes?"

You nod weakly, turning your attention back to the rhythm you had found while hollowing out your cheeks, when he pulls out of your mouth.

"Gotta keep it fair," he says with a grin while you feel a pair of hands turning you around again.

You service the three of them like this for a while, switching between their cocks while using your hands on the others. You must be an obscene sight, lips swollen and plump, saliva dribbling down your chin, and with every passing minute you're grinding your hips more and more, rubbing your legs together to find pleasure.

"Getting needy, aren't you, sunshine?" Fives teases, his voice raspy as you stroke his cock which is now slippery and shiny with precum and your spit. You hum around Rex, who has gotten to the point where he's thrusting shallowly into your mouth. Your gag reflex seems to have been conquered for the time being. They do say practise makes perfect.

It's Rex who comes first with a groan, his cum filling your throat while he holds your head in place, your nose grazing the hairs around the base of his cock.

"Fuck," Fives says, his hand finding the back of your head, "open your mouth, sweetheart, that's it." You swallow as much of Rex's cum as you can in one go, then open your mouth wide, tongue sticking out. Rex lines himself up with your tongue, pumping his own cock in quick hard motions. He cums with a low, rumbling sigh and his release ends up mostly on your tongue, with some of it on your nose and cheek. Before you realize it, you hear Echo curse beside you and he also finishes, his cum landing on your face and chest, like a marking you're all too happy to wear.

The three of them seem pretty out of breath, and Rex sits down on your bed with a sigh. "Stars," he breathes, pulling the high collar of his shirt away from his neck to let in some cool air. "That was some kind of thank you."

It makes you giggle. He seems more at ease now, having been convinced by the benefits of this arrangement.

Seeing the three of them panting and sweating in your bedroom sends another molten shot of arousal straight to your cunt and you realize your underwear must be soaked by now.

Fives must have realized you were rubbing your legs together, a teasing edge appearing in his voice. "I think you enjoyed that just as much as we did, didn't you? Did that get you wet?"

"Mhm," you admit coyly, "very."

"I think we should do something about that."

With a yelp from you, Fives pulls you up off the floor with ease and you crash into his chest with his nose pressed into your hair.

"Why don't you lie down and let us take care of you?"

Your face turns hot and your cunt throbs with anticipation at his words. But there's one thing that needs to happen first. All of them are still a lot more dressed than you are.

"Shirts off first, all of you," you say with a grin, which they all return.

"Yes, general," Echo jokes, peeling his sweat-soaked undershirt over his head. Now all of them are naked before you, and you can see the differences in their bodies. Echo, despite being the lithest of the three, has the most defined musculature. Fives is slightly broader in the shoulders but narrower at the hips, and seemed to have a little bit of an edge in the body hair department. Rex is the broadest overall, and also the most scarred, with gashes and blaster burns all over his chest, arms, and back. All three of them are beautiful, perfect, and somehow in your bed.

You get comfortable on the mattress, back propped up against a pillow. Surprisingly, it's Rex who finds his way over to you first, the mattress dipping under his knees. He puts his hands (big, warm, calloused) on your knees and spreads your legs so he can get between them.

"B-been wanting to taste you for so long," he says, his voice a dark rumble that strikes you in your core.

"You better take what you want then, Captain." You're not sure where the daring edge in your tone comes from, but after just making three men come with just your hands and mouth, some confidence has gathered in your chest.

Rex slides your underwear off and spreads your lower lips with his thumbs, and you can hear him suck in a breath. Fives sits down on the bed next to you and chuckles.

"Naughty, so wet from sucking dick." You give him a playful nudge which turns into a desperate grasp the moment Rex starts licking your slit in long lines, his tongue putting pressure on your clit repeatedly.

"Oh, fuckkkk-" you moan, your head falling back onto Fives' shoulder. Echo has now sat down on the other side of you and has taken it upon himself to lazily stroke and pinch at your nipples, the small licks of pain making you whine louder. Rex's pace is relentless, not gentle at all, and you find yourself on the edge much sooner than expected. Your nails dig into Fives' arm when Rex adds his fingers into the mix, pumping them in and out and curving them to hit the perfect spot while he sucks hard on your clit until you see-

"Stars!" you cry out, your hips lifting themselves off the bed as you buck into his tongue, your first orgasm of the night hitting you hard and deep. Rex keeps his tongue pushed against you for a while longer, until you come down from your high, slumping back down into the mattress with your breathing heavy and your skin shiny.

"Didn't know you knew how to do that, Captain," Echo jokes, still playing with your tits almost absentmindedly.

Rex wipes some of your slick off his face with the back of his hand and grins. "There's a lot you don't know about me."

When he sits back up, you can't help but notice he's well on his way to being hard again -- so are the others. There's a glimmer of pride in your chest at the moan Fives lets out when you wrap your hands around his cock again. You roll over, knees tucked under you, and bend down to wrap your lips around him again. In this position, you realize your ass is up in the air at an inviting angle, and you spread your knees a little further apart to give the man behind you a good view. It works, because it only takes a few seconds for Rex to grab your ass roughly with both his hands. His fingers line up with the bruises he left there before, and you hope he remembered your plea for their renewal.

"Look at you… you need a cock to fill you up, don't you, sweetheart?”

You hum around Fives’ cock in response, who fists his hand in your hair.

“Or maybe…” Rex’s voice is dark and rumbling, a sound that goes straight to your cunt, but that’s not where he touches you next. His thumb brushes over your exposed asshole and you stop moving your hips instantly in surprise. "... more than one? Think you could do that for us?"

You let Fives' cock slide out of your mouth to reply, spit and precum leaving a stringy trail between you. "Yes, please, I'll be so good for you," you whine, wanting nothing more than precisely that, to be good, to be of use to them, to make them feel good because they deserve it, and you're giddy and proud that they want this from you and no one else.

There's a bottle of oil in your nightstand for occasions like these -- a gift from a friend months ago who swears by this brand, but you hadn't gotten much use out of it yet. After all his nervousness earlier, you were surprised Rex took charge now, although you suppose he had just needed some time to settle into this commanding role that seemed to come so naturally to him in everyday life. The three of them briefly discuss among themselves how they should take you, but you have a hard time paying attention to the specifics. You bite your lip at the thought of the three of them filling all of you, and you can't help but sneak your hand between your legs to put some pressure onto your throbbing clit.

"Uh-uh," Fives tuts at you with a crooked smile, "none of that, now." He grabs the offending hand first and then the other so you can't touch yourself anymore. He laughs when you pout, and it makes you want to kiss the corners of his mouth. "C'mere," he says, pulling you forward to straddle his lap, his erection pressed between your bellies. It feels good, being this close to him, your skin against his. His smirk is still there and so you do steal a kiss, softly rutting against him just to feel him moan into your mouth. "How about the two of us stay like this," he says in your ear, pulling you tighter towards him with a hand on your lower back, "and I get to see your pretty little face while the other guys fuck your ass, hm?" Oh stars above, nothing coherent can leave your mouth in response to that. You press your face into the crook of Fives' neck and whine a breathy please that makes him chuckle. "Alright then sunshine, up you get." His strong hands lift you upwards so you can position yourself over his cock. Like it's the best thing he's ever felt, his eyes flutter closed when you sink down onto him, giving an experimental roll of your hips that tightens his grip on your waist.

"Fuck, I forgot how fucking hot your pussy is," he groans, and you can tell he's exerting some self control not to start fucking your brains out right away. You feel another warm hand on your back and turn to catch a glimpse of Echo.

"Yeah, Fives, you do know how to pick 'em," he jokes softly, but there's something different about him -- out of the three of them, you keep feeling like Echo might not have been attracted to you as much, like he might be happier with some girl from 79's, but now… You wonder if he reeled his feelings in so he wouldn't hurt his friend-- no, maybe that was just your vanity talking. Regardless, you pull Echo in for a short kiss while slowly starting to move with Fives inside you.

The sound of the glass bottle opening behind you gives you goosebumps. Rex's silence feels like the calm before the storm, and you hold your breath in anticipation. The liquid is a little cold when it trickles onto your skin, and you notice Rex also put a generous amount on his hand as he spreads it out, circling your little hole with his thumb. He works one finger into you gently, but you can feel the stretch and you cling onto Fives' shoulders.

"You alright, sunshine?" he asks and you nod, soothed by his voice and the circles Echo is rubbing on your back. Rex works you open gradually with his fingers, adding more oil when needed while Fives whispers words of encouragement into your ear. He keeps his hips painfully still -- your cunt throbs around him and you know he can feel it, too, but he doesn't budge, not yet.

“You’re doing so well, sunshine. Do you think you’re ready?”

“Mmhm,” you murmur against the skin of his shoulder.

“Ask Captain Rex nicely, then.”

You tilt your head up to look at him in slight bewilderment, only to find a playful smirk on his face. Before you can think of what to say, Rex starts slowly pulling his fingers out, grazing them along the sensitive skin in and around your ass, and you whine as you bury your face in Rex’s neck again.

“P-please, captain,” you cry, “please, please.”

His hands firmly dig into your asscheeks, rough and purposeful.

“Please what?”

Your words come out stifled and choked, both held back by your embarrassment to say something so filthy out loud, and shaken up by desire.

“Please fuck my a-ass, I need your cock, Rex, please!”

“Well done, sweetheart,” he says in that low voice that makes you quiver. He lines his cock up with your ass and you can’t help but buck your hips back slightly. His hands take hold of your sides and he starts pushing himself in, splitting you open easily with the help of the oil.

You’re full, so very full, and it’s so much, on the edge of being painful but not quite. Every part of your skin that touches one of your lovers is on fire, burning with arousal like it did when you had those toxins in your body, but better, now that your mind is sound. Whenever you think he can’t go any deeper, he does, and all you can do is hold onto Fives, digging your nails into his skin in the process.

“Fuck, stars, you take me so well,” Rex says behind you.

Echo pets your hair softly. “How’s it feel, baby?”

“F-feels good,” you respond, your words slurring together. Now both Fives and Rex are holding still with you in between them. The waiting is unbearable, like when the ocean pulls back before its biggest waves, and you are waiting for the water to crash.

The smallest roll of your hips is all it takes -- Rex groans as he pulls out about halfway, then thrusts back into you. From below you, Fives starts tilting his hips upwards, and you feel your cunt getting wetter around his cock. With the way you’re lying forwards on his chest, your clit rubs against him every time Rex slams his hips forwards. They move faster and faster, their skin slapping against yours and all you can do is sob, warm tears of pleasure mixing with sweat as they roll down your cheeks.

You can take more. You want to take more, and you look up at Echo through your wet lashes, reaching out for him, trying to find your words.

“Echo,” you whine softly, “my mouth, you can-”

You don’t have to tell him twice. He shifts so his cock is directly in front of your face instantly, unbearably hard and leaking. Your mouth opens almost instinctively, tongue lolling out to taste as much of him as possible.

Rex chuckles behind you as each thrust of his hips forces Echo’s cock further down your throat as you moan around him.

“Seems I was right the first time,” he says, not halting his speed even a little bit, “you really are a good little whore, aren’t you?”

Fuck, why do those words turn you on so much? Being called names was never something you wanted, but the way he said it, in that fucking delicious voice of his, it set you on fire and makes your cunt clench eagerly.

“Kriff, you liked that, didn’t you? Got all tight around me.”

Your mouth is too full of Echo’s cock to answer, but your throat lets out a noise that Echo clearly likes, because he moans and his strong hand finds purchase on your scalp. They fuck you mercilessly, all three of them pounding and thrusting into your body while you bounce on Fives’ cock and grind your clit against him. There is a deep focus to it, this steady rhythm while holding Echo’s cock into your mouth, but it feels so good and so complete, all of you moving together, thinking of nothing else but chasing the pleasure building in your cunt, and once you start slamming your hips down at the same moment Fives thrusts his up, it’s like the ocean wave crashing into the shore with full force, dragging you along with it. You come hard, a white-hot orgasm that shakes you to your core. You let Echo’s cock slip out of your mouth the moment you scream, and Five holds you against his chest where you can hear the pounding of his heart.

Fives halts the relentless thrusting of his hips for a moment, but not Rex -- he gives you not a moment of rest as he uses your ass with the same ferocity he used your cunt back on that planet.

“Fuck, fuck,” he swears behind you, “I’m gonna fucking- gonna cum, gonna fill this t-tight little ass up, would you like that? You wanna take my cum like a g-good little whore?”

“Yes, please, Rex,” you sob in reply.

He buries his cock deep inside your ass, his grip on your hips so tight it hurts, and then suddenly you feel a hand in your hair at the back of your head. Rex grabs a handful of hair and pulls, lifting your head up and back. He keeps you there while he coats your insides with his release, swearing throughout it, before letting you fall back onto Fives’ chest.

Echo stands up from the bed the second Rex pulls out of you and switches places with him.

“You can take a little more, can’t you, baby?” Echo says, lining his cock up with your ass. Some incoherent noise comes out of you as an answer, and Echo pushes in. Rex has opened you up enough for him to enter you easily, but knowing he’s fucking Rex’s cum back inside of you fans the flames in your belly and you can’t help but start bucking your hips back to feel it more, while Fives’ cock is still hot and throbbing in your cunt.

“Look at you,” you hear Rex say, “you can’t get enough of it, can you? Fucking yourself on two cocks at the same time, and looking so pretty doing it.”

“Mmm,” Fives agrees, and you can hear he’s trying to keep his composure but his breathing is ragged as he comes closer to his own release, “such a pretty little cockslut.”

The way they talk to you spurs you on, which they probably intended, and you start riding Fives like your life depends on it, pushing your upper body up a little straighter so you can look at him. He’s beautiful like this, face flushed, beads of sweat between his knitted brows while he intensely chases his pleasure. As soon as you look him in the eye he grabs the back of your head to pull you down, your forehead to his forehead, your nose to his nose, his eyes closed.

“You’re so f-fucking perfect,” he mutters, then lets out a long groan while he spills inside you, his head crashing backwards into the pillow. Echo’s thrusts get shorter and faster now and you buck back against him, wanting to give everything you still have left inside you. Rex’s hand sneaks up between your body and Fives’ to find your clit.

“Cum one more time, sweetheart, I know you can, with two cocks inside you.”

It’s too much -- you want to, but you don’t know if you can, don’t you if you’re even capable.

“I-I can’t, I-” you try to plead, but he rubs your clit roughly and you sob, hot tears wetting your cheeks. Echo tenses up behind you and you know he’s going to finish soon but-

Slap.

Rex’s hand comes down and strikes your asscheek so hard you squeal.

“I said cum.”

You do. You can’t explain it, but you do, an almost painful orgasm coursing through you while the sting of the strike lingers. A curse leaves your mouth but is caught by Fives’ lips pressing to yours and his tongue in your mouth. Echo spills his release into your ass with a moan, and with all three of their loads inside you, you have never felt so full.

After Echo pulls out, you climb off of Fives and let yourself fall backwards onto the mattress, every inch of you covered in sweat. Rex leans over to move some hair out of your face.

“Was that too much?” he asks, and the gentleness in his voice is almost heartbreaking.

“No,” you answer, a blissful smile on your face from how unbelievably good you’ve been fucked, “that was just right.” He leans over to press a kiss to your forehead, and you feel an ever so slight trace of stubble on his jaw, less than a day’s growth. You’ve never thought about him shaving, but you’d like to watch him do it, some day. Fives sits up, grabs your hand and puts it to his lips, pressing a firm kiss to your knuckles. Moments later, Echo appears with a towel from your closet and starts cleaning you up, dabbing the cloth between your thighs where their cum has started trickling out of you.

“So,” you start, grinning playfully “are we even, now?”

Rex chuckles and gets up off the bed to find his underclothes -- no doubt duty will call for him again soon. You feel so, so lucky, that these three men have chosen to spend what little free time they have with you, and a warmth spreads through your chest as you look at them, eyes half-lidded from drowsiness.

“Not a chance,” he jokes, stepping into his briefs.

Fives lets go of your hand and strokes your cheek with his thumb, grinning down at you, and Echo, too, has a smile on his face. Rex kisses your forehead one more time.

“You won’t get rid of us that easily.”

[saintshigaraki]

won’t you give me your cruelest smile

↳ DARK ACADEMIA TSUKISHIMA KEI 

pairing: tsukishima kei x gn!reader

word count: 1.4k

excerpt: 

He makes no move to get up as he watches you pack. “You really don’t like me, do you?” He sounds far too pleased for your liking.

“No one likes you,” you snap back, stuffing the last heavy tome in your bag and shouldering it. “You’re an ass.”

a/n: @yamagucji​​ said dark academia tsukki and my brain quite literally short circuited 

tags: enemies-ish to lovers (more like academic rivals to lovers), tsukki being an annoyingly smart condescending history major, reader goes through the five stages of grief when they realize they might actually li- 🤢 like him, a reference to the classic ‘ooooh you wanna kiss me so bad it makes you look stupid’ 

If there is a single, minuscule, barely visible silver lining in having Tsukishima as a partner for your quarter project it is that, without a doubt, he is smart. 

You have to admit, begrudgingly, that his intellect borders on genius-level which is something you use as silent proof to attest to your working theory that there is in fact, no god, or at the very least not a kind one, because if there was they wouldn’t be blessing gremlins like the one sitting across from you with a gift like that. 

He’s quiet now (after about an hour of telling you all the ways your interpretation was oh so very wrong) and content to stare at you lazily, his eyes half-lidded and filled with his specific brand of cruel amusement that leaves you wanting to do nothing more than smack his black-rimmed glasses right off his smug face. 

You take a deep breath and try desperately to quell the utterly unique type of rage he elicits in you, although as always, nothing you do ever quite manages to bring your boiling blood to a simmer. 

He’s twirling his expensive black pen between his stupidly long fingers. Every once in a while the light catches on the onyx stone of his pinky ring which somehow manages to flash directly in your eyes every time. He notices, of course. He notices everything. Which makes you think he’s doing it on purpose just to be an ass.

Which, admittedly, is perfectly in line with everything else he does so, you come to the frustrating conclusion that he most definitely is doing it on purpose. 

“You’re embarrassingly easy to rile up,” he says, interrupting your silent seething, his voice deep and smooth and absolutely dripping with condescending satisfaction. 

Your eyes flash up from the book you’d been only barely processing just to be met with his own golden-brown ones. He’s smirking down at you, of course. You don’t think you’ve ever seen him wear any other sort of expression. 

You want nothing more than to glare at him but that would just be proving his point so instead, you snap your book shut. It rings out loudly in the empty library. 

“It’s late. Let’s start this backup tomorrow.”

He makes no move to get up as he watches you pack. “You really don’t like me, do you?” he sounds far too pleased for your liking. 

“No one likes you,” you snap back, stuffing the last heavy tome in your bag and shouldering it. “You’re an ass.” 

He tilts his head back, exposing his long neck, and laughs. It’s so deep you feel it in your own chest. You just barely manage to suppress a shiver, which thank fuck, because he would’ve most definitely noticed it and you don’t think you’d be able to live that down. 

You make your way towards the front doors but not before he manages to slip on his wool coat and catch up to you, with ease of course, his long legs have become your number one enemy over the quarter because he always, always, catches up with you when you try to speed walk away from him. 

The autumn chill immediately settles into your bones, your skin prickles unpleasantly. You can see your breath in the night air. A shitty end to a shit day. 

You both head down the cobbled street in strangely comfortable silence. He’s close enough that you can feel the heat he radiates and you’re silently thankful for it. 

You get to the fork in the path where he takes his way back to his dorm and you take yours but instead of peeling off left like he usually does he sticks to your side. 

You stop immediately and eye him up warily. “What are you doing?”

He rolls his eyes. “Asking idiotic questions doesn’t really suit you, you know.” 

You say nothing, content to narrow your eyes. 

He rolls his eyes again and lets out a long-suffering sigh. “I’m walking you home, try not to be a brat about it.” 

“You never walk me home,” you point out, suspiciously. 

“You are rather good at pointing out the very obvious, aren’t you?” and before you can respond he already had turned on his heels and started walking. You have to half jog to catch up. 

You watch him out of the corner of your eye with the intent of trying to read his motive but you get stuck on the fact that his cheeks are flushed rather prettily from the cold. 

“You sure do love to stare, don’t you?” he asks rather conversationally. 

You’ve never wanted the ground to open up and swallow you whole more in your entire life. Your cheeks burn hot even in the frigid cold. 

He notices. Of course he does. What does Tsukishima Kei not notice?

“No need to be embarrassed,” he needles cruelly. “Denial can be a brutal beast.”

You only barely manage to stop yourself from asking what exactly he means by that, what exactly he thinks you’re in denial about. 

But you know he wants nothing more than for you to ask so you take a sweet sort of satisfaction in not questioning him further, at least on that front. 

The rest of the walk back to your dorm is spent in less comfortable silence than before. There’s an odd sort of tension in the air, like a rope pulled so tight you can physically feel it starting to fray, getting ready to snap.

It comes to a head when, after getting to your building, instead of immediately going inside you find yourself looking down and shuffling your feet.

You know you should thank him, even if you didn’t ask him to walk you home. You guys never worked this late, you’d lost track of time (it’s scarily easy to lose track of time when arguing with Tsukishima) and you know it was nice of him to walk you home when he’d have to double back another 15 minutes in the freezing cold to get to his place. 

You know you should thank him. It’s the reasonable, polite thing to do. But it’s just so fucking hard to be reasonable and polite when Tsukishima Kei and his galaxy-sized ego are involved. No one in your entire life has been able to get under your skin as he has. It’s like he was perfectly crafted to be your own personal headache. 

You brave a glance up at him and find that he’s standing very, very close and staring, rather intensely, at you. A curiously amused gleam in his eye. 

Your mind stutters and then stops completely, going painfully blank. 

He’s so stupidly pretty. 

His skin is flawless, you’ve never once seen him with even a single pimple, his hair is the nicest pale-blond you’ve ever seen and it falls in perfect tufts against his forehead, but it’s his eyes that always make you shift from foot to foot. They’re such a unique shade of golden-brown, and now, shrouded in the dark and mere inches away from your own face, you’d swear on your life they were practically glowing.

“You’ve got something on your mind?” he asks, his tone anything but sweet. He’s so close you can smell the warm spice of his cologne and the ever-clinging scent of ancient books that seems to follow him wherever he goes. 

“I-” but you can’t seem to put together a coherent sentence. You don’t think you’ve ever hated someone so much in your life. 

Somehow, he’s managed to push in even closer. “You know what I think?”

No, you want to say, and I don’t want to know. Your heart is beating far too fast and you can’t explain why. 

(You know exactly why)

“I think you want to kiss me.”

And just like that the rope snaps and you’re viciously tugging him down by the collar of his too-nice coat so you can smash your lips against his. 

The kiss is brutal. Far too mean with too much teeth. At one point you taste the sting of iron and you can’t tell if the blood is his or yours. 

He backs you up against a wall without breaking the kiss. When he bites at your lip, no doubt cutting it open, you grab a fist full of his hair and tug cruelly and his responding groan tastes so sweet on your tongue. 

He doesn’t pull away until your lungs are screaming for air. 

He’s inches away from you, pupils blown wide, lips swollen (and a little bloody), and his hair is a mess. It’s the most out of sorts you’ve ever seen him. 

If you thought he was pretty before, he’s absolutely beautiful now. 

His smirk widens into a full blown smile and you understand now why he doesn’t show it often. It shows too many teeth, it’s downright wolfish. Predatory, even. 

You don’t really have time to think on it though before he pulls you into another bruising kiss. 

have some dark academia tsukishima headcanons while you’re here

he is without a doubt the most pretentious asshole you will ever meet and and you will HATE yourself for eventually finding him weirdly charming in any capacity

he is, of course, a history major which. if you have ever met pretentious male history majors you will know that this means he is a literal walking, talking, annoyingly tall headache

interrupts professors constantly. does it like he’s getting paid. will argue and argue and argue with them without that dumb condescending smirk ever, ever managing to slip off his face

(the worst part is, he’s honestly probably making a good point most of the time. but you’d quite literally rather die than admit that to him)

he is always walking around campus lazily flipping through leather bound books so old they’re cracked precariously at their spines, all on different ancient civilizations. you’d think that’d mean he’d be running into people but the student body collectively parts like the red sea for him which sets your teeth on edge.

he’s unbelievably arrogant and the worst part is its not baseless like you find yourself so desperately wishing it was

he IS smart, wickedly so. disgustingly, cruelly intelligent and he will use it to pick you apart piece by piece while that stupid fucking smirk stays glued on his face.

(you start to seriously question whether or not he’s even human because how can anyone keep the same, perfectly calculated expression for that long?)

always looks like he stepped straight out of some dark alternate universe vogue photoshoot with his constant rotation of black turtlenecks, long coats, and oxford loafers all tied together by the same 5 rings he’s never seen without, two of which are set with hefty onyx stones

you will be unlucky enough to be paired up with him for a project that will take all quarter long and multiple meet ups a week. when your professor announced your partner, you genuinely consider dropping the class and when you find out you wouldn’t be able to drop the class without switching majors, you genuinely consider switching majors

you don’t. and by the end of the quarter you’re really starting to question whether that was a good thing or not

[fand0mfever]

AN ESSAY ON WHAT'S WRONG WITH LINK X DARK LINK

FROM AN ADVID SHIPPER NO LESS HAVE YOU EVEN S E E N MY WATTPAD-

*clears throat*

Anyway-

There are quite a few things that bug me a bit about the ship... even though... my wattpad account has like... several books of these two-

Onto the point:

OK, so, Breath of the Wild is completely exempt from this, as it's mainly about the timeset. There will be other factors.

Let's get straight into it.

So everything is set in the middle ages / a medevil setting. So, the romans were gay as fuck, the wives of soldiers would shave their heads to look more masc for their husbands. But after that... the gays weren't winning, and that starts the middle ages.

So, during the middle ages, there was lots of sickness, (plagues, etc) so sexual contact and exploration was... worrisome.

But that's not just it.

The middle ages brought about Christianity, etc. So, religion.

And what is somethjng that was frowned upon? Sex. Relationships outside of marriage.

The gays were then punished.

Move forwards in time just a little bit, close to the 1700s now. This is when the gays started to get the slur of Faggot, or Fag, due to being trapped in carpets, and burned alive. It resembled a cigar, so gays were then called such slur.

But... acting against people like that was common before that. Especially in Italy, which got worse and worse into the 1930s where if you were against Christianity... it was practically a death penalty.

Now onto the point with this.

So, it's been clarified that gay=stigmatized people which resulted in death of said people.

Now the relation:

Link and Dark would have grown up in this type of world, so, they would obviously DENY their feelings.

We all know what that could lead to: self harm and death.

So if they did make it passed that, it would be onto suspicion on doubt, common things found in every person: "I doubt so and so would like me like that."

But because of the timeset, you also have to consider how that would affect them.

They couldn't just ask without the risk of getting killed, or tell the other about how they feel without the thought that things will go south. That can then lead to death, due to emotional incompetence and not caring for themselves, which was common back then- if you couldn't find a sutor then you were doomed to die alone, so why not just make it quicker and suffer less?

This leads to acceptance.

"If I can't be with him, then I'd rather die."

*cue surprise confession in the woods*

So if they were careful, this would be fine. Aside from one thing.

"Are you going to kill me? This is the perfect place for it."

They still think the other one is going to kill them. Great. Intimacy am I right?

So they basically have gone through the five stages of grief in their heads, and acceptance being that they are just... ready to die.

But

They do manage to get together.

Well what now?

Their best option of survival... is to just accept that they can't be together and move on.

There's also another option.

Run away from everything.

But, Link is the Hero of Hyrule. He can't just disappear that easily.

So they would be tracked down with the suspicion that Dark somehow managed to kidnap Link. Cheerful.

And if they get caught?

Dark would absolutely be killed. He casted some spells on Link. End of story, yes?

Well... no.

Link would then basically be placed in a psychiatric hospital but for those cursed and or with spells on them. He would not only be treated like an animal, but also grieving the loss of his other half.

Well why not just live in the woods?

Hunting. That's it. They'd be found out by hunters and killed. Perfect place to kill two gay guys with a low risk of getting caught.

So there's a low chance of survival. Alright, so that's devastating enough.

But there's more, baised on the actual lore.

OK, so, there's 3-4 goddesses, right? We know that one is basically stuck in the cycle, Hylia.

Alright... what about her?

She was in love with the original hero, who, shows up in the skyward sword manga.

And...?

Well, since she was in love with her Link, what makes you think the goddess will be fine with an incarnation of her hero being gay?

So, she would obviously pose a huge threat.

There's also a huge lack of even queer coded characters throught the series, aside from OoT Zelda being genderfluid, but, that technically doesn't count because Sheik was just a disguise. Ghirahim and other effeminate men are typically the antagonists, making that be the end of any possible gay influence to help Link or Dark figure out that they feel healthily.

But... there's more. Always more.

Link would obviously have trust issues, no matter the same. In this segment I'll refer to OoT, as that one is the easiest to cover and the common game setting for the pairing.

So, Navi leaves Link. Link has no friends because he's no longer a child and the kids he grew up with are the koriki. Then the others he was friends with as a child are sages, or working too much to pay proper attention to him. So when he and got friendly in the first place, he doesn't believe he'll stick around. But into he relationship... it would get worse, and cause fights...

Now onto the child timeline.

So... Twilight princess... if OoT Link and Dark got together, in the child timeline, that means that one would have abandoned the other, and Link moved on...

Or, there was a misunderstanding, and Link would have felt major guilt. Already their mental health is shitty so this would just end it completely.

Then there's simply appearance.

This is a topic commonly avoided when talking about this ship.

It it utterly narcissistic and self absorbed if they are attracted to the other's physical appearance. Bad relationship right there. So if one changed their look... the other would think "Oh no, he thinks his old look, my look, is shitty. He's going to give up on me." And, much less, if that happened... mental health would also spiral.

Then comes their orgins-

Dark is evil, and Link is a hero. This would be a bad enemies to lovers. Why bad? Because, the first time they met they literally tried to kill the other, which is certainly a memory that'll stay with you. This also makes the trust issues worse, thinking that the other is faking it so they can kill them.

1076 words explaining what is wrong with the ship in a fundamental way. The timeset and the other factors.

I still love the ship. Stories should be more angsty tho. But I am all for a supportive Zelda, those fics are rare af.

[ahhhsami]

TLOU2 and the Stages of Grief

To begin, here’s a quick crash course into the 5 Stages of Grief. 

There are five stages of grief; Denial & Isolation, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. Although these are the identified stages, they are not experienced the same for everyone. People experience them occurring in different orders, experience each stage to different degrees, and in some cases people don’t experience all of the stages. Often times people in real life experience these stages without full completion due to how quickly the world moves and the responsibilities that society has put on an individual. Throughout the whole process, our own feelings and thoughts of mortality is brought up. But there is a common thread in each of the stages and that is Hope. While you may have lost someone you are still alive and there is hope that you will continue to live, or in some cases just survive.

Now that we’ve covered some basics to the 5 Stages of Grief, let’s really get into it in regards to The Last of Us Part II. There will be spoilers ahead.

1. Denial & Isolation

The obvious trigger to this first stage for Ellie was the killing of Joel. We can see this particular event beginning the thoughts of “This can’t be happening.” Denial is a buffer, a protection mechanism against tragic events. This then moves onto the feeling of helplessness and a lack of hope. Often times this stage is shorter, a more immediate response to the loss. Ellie clearly experiences this stage quickly, this can be seen through the audio distortion as soon as Joel is killed. The stage has begun and continues to be present as the scene cuts to Ellie, Ellie who has isolated herself and who is clearly going through the stage of Denial & Isolation. It’s the first wave of pain.

2. Anger

This is the stage that Ellie stays in the longest. Denial & Isolation, as mentioned before, is a defense mechanism. This wears off though and what replaces it is the realization of what has occurred and pain. Absolute pain. We are vulnerable creatures and to protect ourselves we express ourselves in different ways. A very common way is Anger. Anger can be expressed in different ways and towards different people and objects. In Ellie’s case, the Anger is supposedly focused on Abby, the killer of Joel, and the people of WLF. But when we delve into it further, it’s not just about Abby and the WLF. Ellie expresses Anger at Joel, at her life and circumstances, and even herself. 

The reason for feeling anger isn’t always obvious. Her anger towards Abby is. This woman has taken someone that Ellie cares for. But when it comes to the other things that Ellie has anger towards, it’s not as obvious and definitely isn’t fleshed out or recognized unless you’ve completed the game. Ellie resents Joel to an extent. That is clear. It stems from him lying to her about the Hospital Incident from The Last of Us Part I. But it also comes from him leaving. Although it was out of his control, Joel is still gone. Resentment and anger can be rational and irrational, just like all of the other emotions and thoughts people have. Ellie also feels resentment towards herself. She continues to struggle with the fact that she was saved. That with giving up her own life, she may have been able to save humanity. That’s a lot for one person. But what makes this even harder to endure, is the fact that Joel made that choice for her. On top of all of this, it’s easy to be angry, and then feel more angry for feeling angry. It’s a vicious cycle that Ellie gets trapped in.

In the world of TLOU, this stage is the most prominent due to the circumstances. Anger allows someone to survive and that’s what the people of this world do. They don’t have the luxury to sit back and go through the Five Stages of Grief properly. Ellie has learned anger and survival from the very beginning and Joel just reiterates it. He cements it in TLOU when Henry and Sam die. Not everyone gets to see or hear this interaction, but here it is; Ellie “I want to talk about it.” Joel “No.” Ellie “Why not?” Joel “How many times do we need to go over this? Things happen. And we move on.” Ellie “It’s just-” Joel “That’s enough.” Ellie “Alright.” Survival does this to you. It suppresses normal feelings and thoughts to allow someone to survive. On top of this, Tommy prolongs this stage too. He’s also trapped within it, taking Ellie with him. 

Let us not forget the hopeful part of this stage though. Again each stage has the underlying fact that you are still alive. That although you have lost someone, you can still live. That hope begins in the presence of Dina. She is Ellie’s rock and someone who almost pulls her out of the stage of Anger, but unfortunately isn’t enough. Ellie is still grieving when she leaves JJ and Dina. She’s dealing with PTSD, depression, regret, anger, denial, and so much more all at once. She’s not living, she’s surviving. She’s putting her own family at risk. And although people would have loved for her to stay with Dina and JJ, she wouldn’t have been happy. She wouldn’t be living.

When Ellie does leave, she is still in the stage of Anger. It was clear that she had thought that she was past it, done with grieving, but with her reliving Joel’s death, she had not progressed through all of the Stages of Grief. This also brings to light the fact that you can also experience the stages more than once. By having an episode like this, it can restart stages such as Denial and Isolation. Grieving is not linear.

3. Bargaining

This stage is honestly one of the most interesting to me. Bargaining deals with the “If only” ideas and statements that people think of when grieving. For Ellie a big one I believe is “If only I had found him sooner.” You can see that from her flashbacks from her PTSD and depression. You can see it in her actions of trying to get revenge on Abby and the WLF. She continues to think and act on these “If only” and “What if” statements and questions. But not just about the specific moment that Joel is killed. She thinks about “What if Joel had let me die? Had let the Fireflies find a cure,” “What if I had stayed with Dina?,” “What if I hadn’t convinced Tommy to also get revenge?,” “If only we didn’t live in this type of world,” “If only I had been able to kill Abby when I had the chance.” 

Ellie is plagued by guilt throughout TLOU2. This stage can eat away at someone mentally. And it does for Ellie. Often times she experiences the Stage of Anger and the stage of Bargaining at the same time. But also experiences them separately. 

4. Depression

There are different types of depression and when it comes to grieving, there are two main types. One is related to more practical implications, like feeling sadness and regret for not spending time with others due to isolating oneself from the grief. It can also be linked with your worries, such as how are we going to bury them, what do we do with their belongings, or in Ellie’s case, how to get revenge. The second is more emotional and private. It’s based on inner feelings of sadness, helplessness, hopelessness, and guilt. 

This stage is something that Ellie suppresses. She pushes these feelings and thoughts down and instead it’s replaced with anger.

5. Acceptance

This is the stage that people may find the most controversial in regards to the game. Many people never reach this stage. Often stuck in Anger and Denial. When this does occur, that’s okay and that’s life, but in Ellie’s case, she does reach acceptance. 

Some people may expect acceptance to lead to instant happiness and moving on. But that is not the case. Acceptance is often marked by withdrawal and a sense of calm. Acceptance is coming to grips with what has happened, who you have lost, and also accepting your own mortality. It’s coming to the conclusion that “I’ve lost someone important, but I’m going to be able to survive, I’m going to be able to continue to live my life.” 

I truly believe that Ellie would not have been able to find acceptance if she had killed Abby. If she had, her own anger would have continued to consume her and she would never make it through the Stages of Grief that she had needed to. Ellie ended a cycle of being driven to only survive. She wasn’t living and that was clear. 

The way that I personally felt from the ending was withdrawn, but also calm, just like the stage of acceptance should feel. Ellie put down Joel’s guitar and left. She didn’t just accept his death, but all of the other things that she was struggling with inwardly and outwardly. A huge thing being the fact that she was kept alive by Joel. She didn’t just accept his death, she forgave him. She continued to live, finally fully grieving for the loss of Joel. She will continue to miss him, but the stages of Denial and Anger probably won’t be present again. She may feel sadness, but it won’t be to the same extent. She may think of those “what ifs,” but will then be able to counteract those thoughts rationally. 

Grief is complex and so was this story. To sum this all up, the writing in TLOU2 is human, it’s real, it’s tough, it’s uncomfortable, and not everyone will like it. If you do struggle with this story, try to be self-reflective. Try to be empathetic towards the people who have enjoyed it, to the writers, to the team of creators, and just to people in general. There’s a reason why TLOU2 makes people uncomfortable, just like The Last of Us Part I did.

[hypnomicimagines]

Fall Prompt # 3 - Roasting Marshmallows (Kannonzaka Doppo)

Doppo felt like a kid again.

Not that he could remember much of his childhood aside from that time Hifumi accidentally kicked his sandcastle down, spewing sand all over his face and into his eyes; it had all been downhill for Doppo from that point on. He thinks the same thing as he loomed over the fire and you kept a careful eye on him, slightly worried he might consider throwing himself in it if he thought about his boss for too long. He hadn’t managed to get off on the actual holiday but he wasn’t called in that night for any overtime so you had been quick to drag him out on a quick camping trip just to get out of the city, sitting with him in front of this beautiful roaring fire with marshmallows on sticks.

He was excited to have a taste of the sweet melty fluff as it had been quite awhile since he had one but as the night went on he was starting to lose hope for anything to work in his favor. His first marshmallow had almost immediately set on fire and was such a charred mess he couldn’t even think about eating it without feeling the pain of his taste buds burning off. The second try he had accidentally stabbed himself with the burning hot stick and had a few spots of sore pink skin on his hand, and his third try had been going well up until a few seconds ago. It was getting so nice and brown that Doppo was drooling at the sight, stuck in the fantasies of how sweet victory would truly taste.

But the marshmallow doesn’t make it to his mouth.

He goes through the five stages of grief as the fluffy treat seemed to slide off his stick in slow motion, became a pile of nothingness at the bottom of the fire. Doppo thought about the harshness of reality, how his marshmallow plopping itself into the fire was certainly some type of metaphor for his life, but you draw him from his negative thoughts the minute you see him spiraling. With a comforting hand on his shoulder you showed him your perfectly brown treat.

“Open up!” You smiled at him and he can’t help but listen even if the intense sweetness of the marshmallow is a direct contrast to his bitter thoughts. “There we go. Why don’t I just make the marshmallows and you sit here and enjoy them? You work so hard you deserve to just rest.”

Doppo loved you so much he couldn’t put it into words, the single marshmallow you’d given him offering him a second chance at happiness that he knew he couldn’t turn down.

[ordinaryschmuck]

What I thought about WandaVision

Y'know, it's kind of crazy to think that it's been over a year since we've been given any content involving the Marvel Cinematic Universe. Marvel Studios announced so many great movies, on top of new TV shows that actually impact the story, way back in the summer of 2019. But then 2020 happened. Resulting in everything, and I mean everything, we were promised getting pushed back for another year. So, when it was finally announced that the series WandaVision was, at last, ready to be released, fans were both excited as well as skeptical. Because the first thing that would reintegrate us back into this franchise would be a show about how two Avengers are stuck in a sitcom. It might be new, long-awaited content, but it also doesn't sound all that interesting. Could a story involving two characters who have yet to stand on their own be enough to carry a brand new adventure? Well, for eight whole weeks, fans were given that answer. And personally, I will admit that WandaVision might have been better than anybody could have ever expected...for the most part.

(Final spoiler warning if you haven't seen the show yet)

WHAT I LIKE

It Just Goes: This is easily the best way the series could have started. We are given no context about what is going on. We're just shown that Wanda and Vision are currently stuck in a sitcom, and that's it. By making it a mystery, fans are given this sort of interaction with the series as they find clues and come up with theories about how and why this happened. Sure, some assumptions were more far fetched than others (did people think Mephisto was confirmed just because of one misinterpreted line involving the Devil?), but it still makes the show a ton of fun to watch. Plus, even when we're given answers, it's only tiny pieces of the puzzle. We're always given a chance to figure out the bigger picture, resulting in an image that is, I'll admit, somewhat satisfying to see. Just as long as you ignore the crybabies who get upset that their favorite theories turned out to be wrong.

The Homages are on Point: I also love how straight the cast and crew play with the idea of two superheroes being stuck in a series of sitcoms. Everything they use fits in the era each sitcom takes place in. With things like camerawork, set design, special effects, acting quality, tropes, and even theme songs, everything works as a proper homage than just having two episodes in black and white and the rest in color. Each new sitcom that Wanda and Vision are rebooted in feels so genuine, to the point where they seem like they could be actual shows that could have existed. Seriously, my dad showed me stuff like The Dick Van Dyke Show when I was a kid, so trust me when I say that the very first episode nails the style that it's honoring. Not only is it charming as all forms of hell, but it also works in making these moments when characters break from the spell (get it) all the more jarring and even disturbing at times. Because when you're so keen on watching what seems like a fun and cheesy sitcom, you feel a bit unsettled when a character suddenly acts in a way that's a tad foreboding. Still, it's fun to watch and is easily the central hook for what makes this show work.

The Comedy: The homages also nail the comedy that came from each type of sitcom. The jokes fit with each period, from the cheesy and charming 50s to the cynical and dry 90s and early 2000s. It's another thing the writers play straight with, and I think it works. The only jokes made by most stories like this are just pointing out that these serious characters are stuck in a silly sitcom. Instead, the writers tell jokes that work for the period it's in, and it is all genuinely funny if you're used to those types of goofs and gags. If you didn't laugh, that's because the comedy isn't trying to reach out to you. It's reaching out to the people who actually watched these types of sitcoms. Or, in my case, the type of people who had their parents show them these types of sitcoms. And even then, I still think there are these lines and deliveries that are still funny even if you don't get the joke. For example, there's this brief moment with Vision and a toy baby that got a genuine chuckle out of me for how absurd it was. I wasn't expecting to laugh that much, but on top of the many surprises this show gave, being funny was definitely one of them.

“My husband, and his indestructible forehead”: He...hehe...hehehehahahaHAHAHAHA! AH! HA! HA! HA! 

*Slowly starts sobbing*

>Squeaks<

I see what you did there.

Paul Bettany as “Vision,” “Vision,” and Vision: Can we give Paul Bettany a round of applause for basically playing three different characters, each with their own varying levels of emotions and purposes? Because goodness gracious, this man is a champion! I've seen tons of people praise Elizabeth Olson for her performance as Wanda, and to be fair, she does do a fantastic job...aside from one blatant issue (which I'll get into later). But as great as Olson is, Bettany still deserves some credit. Throughout most of the series, he has this level of comedic-timing that I didn't even know he was capable of, by going ham or just having a dry wit. Seriously, was someone going to tell me that Paul Bettany can be funny, or was I supposed to find that out for myself? On top of being hilarious, Bettany delivers such raw emotion that none of us would have ever expected from this character. That screaming match “Vision” has with Wanda shows the very first time that any version of him has ever been angry, and Bettany does a great job at making that moment as jarring as it needed to be. And that's just from playing one version of the character! I didn't even talk about how he nails the naive yet still wise Vision from the flashback in "Previously On" or the cold and robotic "Vision" from "The Series Finale." Bettany has range, and WandaVision is a great show that proves how. One just needs to have the right amount of vision to see it (HhhhhhhhhhhHA!)

Developing Wanda: But as great as Paul Bettany, and to a lesser extent, Vision, is, Wanda Maximoff is clearly the star of the show here (And yes, I know that it's Wanda who's the character and Elizabeth Olson is the actor, but...I'll get into it!). If WandaVision has taught me anything about these Disney+ shows, it's that we are finally going to get some long-awaited development to characters that are starved from it. And Wanda definitely needed it. Don't get me wrong, Wanda was great in past movies but wasn't that compelling of a character. Here, trust me when I say that the opposite is true. 

We are given a deep dive into not only Wanda's morality but also her psyche. The writers really play around with how scary Wanda can be. As well as questioning if Wanda has the capability of being evil. Because, yeah, what she did was not right. True, our "heroine" was going through some rough s**t, but that doesn't excuse the amount of torture Wanda put the people of Westview through, no matter how unwittingly. Just look at that scene where everyone grills Wanda about what she's doing to them, not only pleading for whatever compromise they can get and even begging for her to kill them instead. That is dark! That is the darkest concept the MCU has ever offered, and the ending of Avengers: Infinity War exists!

But, while it doesn't entirely excuse everything, there is a reason why Wanda did all of this. You see, throughout WandaVision, Wanda goes through the five stages of grief. It all starts with denial as she pretends to live in a sitcom that she created where Vision is alive, and they get to even have kids together. Soon comes anger when she destroys anything and physically harms anyone that tries to bring her back to reality. Next, there's bargaining as Wanda strengthens her hex and expands it to keep outsiders out and keep Vision in. This leads to depression as the weight of all of Wanda's actions finally sinks in, and she's forced to realize the damage she's causing. Until all of it ends with acceptance, as Wanda finally, finally, gets to say goodbye to Vision. Something she never really got when Thanos ripped the mind stone out of Vision's forehead. It's both incredible to watch as it is fascinating. Wanda, through the course of her own little spin-off series, just went from a decent character to one of the most intriguing to dissect in the MCU. And we have this show to thank for it.

The Commercials: These commercials offer three things.

They're more homages to classic television, each product and filming for each one honoring how commercials looked in each era.

They offer more of an insight into Wanda's psyche as we see how each commercial shows bits of her history, regrets, and deepest desires. You see all of the above in the Lagos' paper towel commercial.

There are neat bits of foreshadowing of what's to come, like how Hydra Soak ends by saying it's for "your inner goddess" or how the 90s commercial ends by saying Magic isn't meant for the weak.

With all of that, these commercials are as fun to analyze as they are disturbing as hell.

The Dinner Scene: This was the moment it was clear that WandaVision wasn’t going to just be fun and games. The second that "Mr. Heart" starts screaming at Wanda about why she and Vision came, it becomes clear that the whole wacky scenario our heroes are in isn't as harmless as we all thought. And when "Mrs. Heart" playfully tells her husband to stop it when “Mr. Heart” starts choking, only to desperately scream at Wanda to stop it, audiences begin to piece together that the people of Westview are prisoners--no--victims. As for Wanda? She's the unknowing dictator forcing them to do what she says. And it was this scene that I knew I was going to really enjoy this show.

The Blip Scene: And it was this scene that made WandaVision skyrocket into top-tier MCU territory! As much as I love Spider-Man: Far From Home, I will admit that making a joke with the concept of something like the blip might not have been the best move. But showing the chaos of everyone coming back all at once? On top of showing the confusion that a person would have from being told that a five-second nap was five years? Yeah, that's more in line with what we want.

Returning Characters: Not only was I surprised by the fact that these pretty minor characters in the MCU made a return at all, but I was also shocked to find out they work better in this series than they did in their respective movies. First, there's Monica. Not only is she reintroduced as a brand new hero (with, admittingly, confusing superpowers), but she also works as the anti-Wanda. Both characters had someone they care about dearly die without getting a chance to say goodbye. The difference is that Monica doesn't have the abilities Wanda does and is instead forced to quickly accept that her mom is dead and won't come back. She even admits that she would bring her mom back if she could. But that just makes Monica the perfect person that Wanda needs. A person that understands where she's coming from and tries to convince Wanda to do the right thing, no matter how hard it is. Monica's methods may have been a tad bit sloppy, but she is still ten times more intriguing than that little girl who screwed around with the color scheme on Captain Marvel’s suit.

Then there's Jimmy Woo, who is both funnier here than in Ant-Man and the Wasp, and actually shows signs of being a competent FBI agent. A step up, I might add, from the hilariously incompetent character we saw in his previous appearance.

And also, Darcie is here...and still slightly annoying...but at least she still has a couple funny lines here and there! Which is more than I can say with Thor and Thor: The Dark World.

In my opinion, it's a good move having these characters with pretty small roles in vastly different stories make a return. It shows that they are not limited to their one little corner of the MCU. And that they can branch off into taller tales that suit them perfectly. It's pretty cool, and it makes me wonder what other small characters could make a triumphant return.

Billy and Tommy: These two are...fine. Billy and Tommy give me Zach and Cody vibes sometimes, the kids playing them do a decent job, and they both offer some great emotional moments. The problem is that out of the list of characters that WandaVision introduces and reintroduces, there's not much to talk about with Billy and Tommy. Honestly, the only reason why I briefly mentioned that I like them is that I don't want dozens of people crucifying me for not saying anything about them. I don't hate them, but I don't much care for them either.

Evan Peters as Quicksilver: Although I would have loved it if it was Aaron Taylor-Johnson who made a return, seeing Evan Peters in a good Marvel movie again is more than worth it. He plays a much more fun version of Quicksilver while still nailing the sibling relationship the character has with Wanda. In a way, it's a lot like how Marvel cast J.K. Simmons as J Jonah Jameson at the end of Spider-Man: Far From Home. It's admitting that no one could have played the character better than this one actor and briefly making fans happy in the process. While also not doing something crazy like having it be the exact same Quicksilver from the X-Men movies. Only f**king idiots would believe something like that...

...

...But hypothetically speaking, let's say some people were stupid to believe that. While making an outrageous claim that the writers "lead them on to doing so." In which case, I will say the same thing that one would say when friend-zoning someone: "Nobody led you on to s**t. You were just too busy focusing on what you wanted to see instead of what you needed to see."

Because there was no evidence that it was the same Quicksilver other than the fact that it was the same actor. And, hypothetically speaking, if there were dozens of crybabies who were upset about it not being the same Quicksilver, then I have so much more respect for this character being nothing more than a boner joke. Because you did this to yourselves...hypothetically speaking.

Retconning Wanda’s Powers: ...I'm ok with this. Retcons happen all the time in the comics, as well as in movies and television. It's just a matter of making the retcon believable enough where there are few holes in what you're telling people. As for Wanda apparently having magic this entire time, but the mind stone amplified her powers? I can buy that. Besides, it's an acceptable excuse to make Wanda as powerful as she is in the comics (from what I've been told), so like I said, I'm ok with this.

“I can’t feel you…”: ...That's fine. I didn't need my heart anyway.

“Vision’s” Talk with “Vision”: Forget the horrible CGIed battles. I want more of this!

Now, I put both Visions in quotation marks because while they're both the same character, they're also...not the same. Which is, funnily enough, what this scene is: A philosophical discussion between two versions of the same android about what makes them both/neither the definitive version. One may look the same, and the other may be the same body, but neither "Vision" really is the true Vision. However, the fact that these two stop their fighting so they can have this discussion in the first place helps secure that while different, they are still the same. It's a thought-provoking discussion, and it is ten times more interesting to watch than Wanda and Agatha's CGI fight in the sky. Although it is kind of odd that White-Vision just peaces out the second Hex-Vision gives him a reboot. But hey, that's for the future movies to deal with.

“Thank you for choosing me to be your mom.”: >Deep inhale<...Girl.

Wanda Saying Goodbye to Vision: >DEEPER INHALE< HOOOOOOOOOOO BOY! I did not expect this much emotional turmoil from f**king WANDAVISION!

Joking aside, this is a well-handled scene. It's incredibly emotional to see these two characters say goodbye to each other as their arcs come to a close. "Vision" peacefully leaves knowing who he is in the world, and Wanda can finally start moving on as she gets to say goodbye to her one true love. It's as bittersweet as it is beautiful.

WHAT I DISLIKE

MCU logos flashing in every episode: You know how CinemaSins has this bulls**t excuse about how the MCU opening logo wastes time to get to the good stuff? This is the only instance where that's applicable. Because the opening logo was cool to see again for the first episode, but having it play in every single one after breaks the immersion when trying to binge the series. It's for a couple of seconds, sure, but after a while, it does get pretty annoying.

Elizabeth Olson as Scarlet Witch: Now, to be clear, I have no problems with Elizabeth Olson's acting ability in this series. She juggles being funny, heartbreaking, and threatening so well that I am likely to laugh and cry with her as I am to s**t my pants while in her presence. Elizabeth Olson does a great job with this character. The problem? Well, in the comics, Wanda Maximoff is Roma, and Elizabeth Olson...isn't. This means that WandaVision, and the MCU as a whole, has a bad case of white-washing.

I could go on about the issues this brings, but I am not as educated about this subject, and all I know is just stuff that seems like common sense. For instance, I believe it is more than reasonable to hire an actor of a specific race or ethnicity for a character who is of a that same race or ethnicity. But that is as far as my knowledge and personal stance goes, and to expand on it would be too much of a risk because I have no right to criticize the representation of something I am not a part of. So instead, I'm going to point you to @earnestdesire‘s blog and Jessica Reidy’s article on the subject. They do a great job at discussing the issues with Olson’s Wanda and pointing to the issues the MCU has in representing Wanda and Pietro's representation in the comics. And they do it in a far better way than I ever could have. So check them out to truly see why, despite doing a great job, Elizabeth Olson should not be the person donning the suit.

It Was Agatha All Along: AND I STILL F**KING HATE THAT!

I know, I know, I am in the minority on this one. And I still don't understand why! To me, Agatha has all of the problems that Hans has in Frozen. Sure, there are hints if you pay more attention during a few select scenes that are slightly questionable. Like how she refers to Wanda as "the star of the show" or coincidentally shows up with a dog house for Sparky. However, much like how Frozen didn't need a villain like Hans, WandaVision didn't need a comic book villain like Agatha. The story was perfectly passable as a personal conflict involving Wanda's grief where the only obstacle was the director of S.W.O.R.D. and his agents. There is nothing Agatha adds to that.

"But she helps Wanda find out what happens!" Yeah, but Monica could have done the same thing by actually breaking through to Wanda and calmly asking what happened. From then on, they could have worked things out together by having Wanda retrace events that transpired through the information that Monica knows as well.

"But Agatha helps Wanda realize what she's doing is wrong!" So could Vision! He could have shown up, did that mind-meld thing to the townspeople, and Wanda would finally learn what she was doing was wrong through the person she trusts the most.

"But Agatha helps Wanda learn that she's the Scarlet Witch!" Ok...but did that need to happen in this series? Because when you think about it, when the central conflict is all about exploring Wanda's grief, throwing in this narrative about becoming the Scarlet Witch has little to do with anything. Meaning that if you cut it from the story, little would change other than cutting a CGI battle that everyone agrees is the worst part of the series.

The most Agatha adds to the story is a secondary conflict that could easily be cut, and the overall quality would stay the same, if not better. And that is a problem. Agatha needs to add to the central conflict in a way that no other character could have. Like, give her a reason to be involved in Wanda’s life that goes beyond feeding off her magic and leading Wanda to her destiny. Because as is, even if you argue that Agatha is a good twist villain, she's a villain that really didn't need to be here.

Director Haywood: But as much as I don't like Agatha, I think we can all agree that Director Haywood is the worst villain in the MCU. Because one issue that Haywood has is a lack of motivation. For instance, why does he try so hard to write off Wanda as this supervillain? It was never explained, and for something so bizarre and crucial to his character, I feel like it needed to be. It would be passable if he was motivated out of fear and ignorance, but Haywood goes so far as to misedit security footage to prove his point. And I don't get why.

Is he sexist?

Did Wanda not show up at his kid's birthday party?

Did he secretly want to use Vision as a sexbot and didn't want Wanda to get between them?

I don't know, and I'll never know.

Plus, on top of having no motivation, Haywood is just forgettable. Agatha may piss me off to no end, but at least I'll remember her. I honestly forgot Haywood's name half the time, and I'm willing to bet that you did too. Case in point, his name isn't even Haywood. It's Hayward. And in the off chance that you didn't even know about that misspelling just proves my point about how forgettable Hayward is. While it's one thing to be hated, it's another to be forgotten. Because that just means that you left so little impact that you aren't even worth getting upset about.

------

And that is what I thought about WandaVision. If I had to base this off my usual score, I'd have to give the show the same 7/10 that everyone else gave it. Because there's a lot that I love, but the stuff that I hate is so problematic that it takes the WandaVision down on a couple of notches. It's still a fantastic series with a solid story, a great message, incredible acting, and phenomenal character development. It's just that not everyone is going to be willing to tune in as much as you might think.

[everwitch-magiks]

dance with somebody (ch. 13)

start from ch. 1 | back to ch. 12

They don't win.

It’s not their first loss nor anywhere near their worst, but the team is still predictably subdued as they pile back into the locker room. Whiskey makes for his stall and slumps into it, closing his eyes and allowing himself one minute to just breathe, and think of nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Then he gets back up, and crosses the room.

“Pips. Hey, Pips.”

Pips, preoccupied with slowly and methodically unlacing his skates, barely looks up.

“Hey,” Whiskey repeats, his tone a little gentler. “Good shot.”

Pips shrugs.

“Great angle,” Whiskey continues patiently. “Good call.”

“Would’ve been,” Pips mumbles. “If I hadn’t missed.”

“It was a great angle.” Whiskey’s tone is firm. “Yale’s got a killer defense, you know they do. We all knew this would be a tough one. But we almost had it – we could’ve won – and if we’d won it would’ve been because we played good, solid hockey, we stuck to our strategy and it really worked. I honestly think this is one of the best games we’ve played, this season.”

“Easy for you to say,” Pips points out, his tone still a little quiet. “Nice goal, by the way.”

Whiskey pauses for a moment. Pips is right – it was a nice goal. Maybe even the kind of goal that would’ve still been on Whiskey’s mind, last season, whether or not Samwell had won or lost in the end. This year, Whiskey can’t say he’s been as focused on his own achievements as he once used to be. Or maybe, it’s just become more difficult to separate the idea of his own progress from the progress they make as a team.

“I’d never have scored that goal without the assist from Jader,” Whiskey points out. “Which you set up, as I recall – beautiful pass, there. We should go over that sequence again at practice, see if we can make it into a new play.”

Pips shrugs.

“We still lost, in the end,” he reminds Whiskey, as if Whiskey might somehow have forgotten. Still, he sounds significantly less shattered. “This sucks. I’m so exhausted, I could sleep for a week.”

“How about you shower, first,” Whiskey suggests firmly. “Come on. We still have the kegster.”

Pips makes a face that’s somewhere right in between a frown and a grimace.

“Remember, you’re not allowed at post-keg breakfast unless you actually come to the kegster,” Whiskey makes up, perhaps a little bit too quickly. “And I’m baking, so. You kind of have to come.”

“Not sure if I’ve ever seen that in the bylaws,” Pips chirps back, without any real bite. “You making scones?”

“I fucking hope so, since I literally can’t bake anything else.”

“Ugh. Fine, then.” Pips’s expression changes into something that isn’t not a smile. “Now leave me alone so I can actually shower.”

Whiskey smiles back, relieved.

He straightens up, and looks around. The rest of the team still seems to be in varying stages of grief. Dex is across the room caught up in a quiet conversation with Louis, his expression predictably earnest – he looks up just long enough to catch Whiskey’s eye and jerk his head in Joyo’s general direction, probably because Joyo looks like he’s about to be fucking sick.

Whiskey spares a second to offer Dex a single nod. Then he goes.

Much, much later, Whiskey finally makes it out of the locker room.

Technically speaking, he isn’t late. Because thankfully, he did have the sense to inform Miguel that it might take him a little while before they could meet up, after the game. Still, Miguel probably didn’t expect a little while to equal almost two hours.

Maybe it’s just as well, Whiskey thinks miserably. Maybe he's been pathetically nervous all week about taking a boy to the post-game kegster for absolutely no reason at all.

A little out of breath, Whiskey half-jogs the last few steps down the corridor before finally pushing the door open, stepping into the night. Their agreed-upon meeting place is just around the corner. As Whiskey makes the turn, he fully expects to find it completely empty.

It’s not.

Miguel is sitting cross-legged on the steps to the side entrance of Faber. He’s typing something on his phone, his fingers moving rapidly, which is why he hasn’t seemed to notice Whiskey’s presence just yet. He looks… Really pretty. Almost more so than usually.

Whiskey pauses for a moment.

It feels more than a little bit surreal, now that the moment is finally here. This is actually happening. Miguel has waited for him, all this time, and any minute now Whiskey will go over to him, and say hi, and then he’ll-

Miguel looks up.

Whiskey’s breath catches as their eyes meet.

Immediately, Miguel gets to his feet.

“Hey.”

“Hi.” Whiskey manages a few steps forward. There. He can totally do this. “I’m so sorry I took so long.”

“No, no, it’s fine.” Miguel shifts his feet. He’s smiling a little, in a way that makes him look uncharacteristically shy. “I’m not sure what the protocol is for when you play super well but don’t actually win… Congratulations is probably wrong, but that goal? Was seriously awesome.”

“Thanks.” Whiskey clears his throat. He’s not sure what the protocol is for any of this. “Um. Should we…?”

“Yeah, yes.” Miguel sticks his hands in his pockets. “D’you… It’s this way, right? The hockey frat.”

“The Haus,” Whiskey corrects him automatically. “Yeah. Let’s go.”

Miguel continues to chat about the game as they walk, bringing up details about Whiskey's playing that are specific enough for Whiskey to wonder if Miguel has watched any of the other players much at all. It’s kind of sweet, in a way that Whiskey hasn't been sure if he has any reason to expect, tonight.

Because it's not like Whiskey actually knows whether or not Miguel thinks of this as a date. Whether or not Miguel even wants it to be.

When they get there, the kegster seems to be nearing full swing.

Whiskey gets them each a cup of tub juice, which Miguel has several intrigued questions about, and that conversation carries them inside. Without any real plan, Whiskey leads Miguel into the kitchen. The volume is a little less unbearable there, and Whiskey is nowhere near ready to be faced with a dance floor just yet.

They say hello to Tango and Louis, who both appear almost disappointingly unfaced when Whiskey introduces Miguel. Still, when Dex looks up from his pie dough long enough to spare them a glance, Whiskey isn't entirely comfortable with how Dex’s eyes dart curiously between Whiskey and Miguel, either.

"This is by far the nicest frat house I've ever been to." Miguel sips his tub juice, his gaze moving from the colorful curtains to the potted plants on the windowsill. "You have to tell me your secret. D'you lot have a housekeeper cooped up in the basement, or something?"

"Not a housekeeper, exactly," Whiskey says, grinning slightly. "But he does actually live in the basement."

"Hey!" Dex protests cheerfully. "I'll have you know Bitty called my bungalow a five-star resort."

"Was that before or after you installed the jacuzzi?" Tango asks.

Miguel catches Whiskey's eyes, his eyebrows raised.

"No, really." Whiskey shrugs. "Dex built a bungalow in the basement. With a jacuzzi."

"Right. Suddenly, I'm not as impressed by the houseplants." Miguel smiles. "Who's Bitty?"

"Oh, he was our captain last year," Louis tells him. "Solid dude. And of course the first out NCAA men’s hockey captain. Hey, Dex, does that make you the second?"

"Dunno, there's this dude in Colorado who came out around the same time." Dex shrugs. "And there's out players in lots of places, this year."

"As there should be." Tango raises his can of beer, grinning. "Here's to us, blazing the trail as the gayest NCAA team there is!"

Whiskey shakes his head, smiling a little as he takes a drink with the rest of them. Miguel meets his eyes again over the top of his cup. His expression is somewhat difficult to read – he looks both curious and, for some reason, a little doubtful.

"I never really got why Bitty gave you his dibs," Tango tells Whiskey, before Miguel has the chance to ask anything else. "Obviously, super well deserved. I just didn't think you two were ever that close."

It's just like Tango, to be asking a question even when he technically isn't.

"Dibs?" Miguel repeats with interest.

"His room," Whiskey says quickly. "I got Bitty's room, when he moved out." He turns towards Tango. "I don't know. We had some good conversations, I guess."

"Well, then that must've..." Tango begins, then stops. He grins. "Hey. That's the song, isn't it?"

As if on cue, Ford bursts through the door.

"Legends only!" she hollers, grinning happily towards Tango and Whiskey before noticing Miguel's presence between them. "Oh. Hello, there."

"Ford, this is Miguel, we’re.... He's in my class, and-"

"Yes, great, we can all meet later. Now come on." Ford gestures wildly towards the living room. "We have to dance!"

They pile out of the kitchen, Miguel sticking close to Whiskey. Thankfully, he looks mostly amused, as opposed to completely and utterly panicked. Whiskey wishes he could say the same for himself.

It's not too bad, at first. I wanna dance with somebody has been the song of their trio for a while, now – Whiskey can’t quite pinpoint when exactly that happened, but that doesn’t make it any less true – and so it’s not the first time he’s found himself in the middle of the Haus dance floor making himself look ridiculous next to Ford and Tango. He’s done this before, and it’s not so different with Miguel right there beside him, smiling and moving to the music. If anything, it’s a little better. A little more.

The next song is different.

It’s still up-tempo, thank God, and they all keep dancing, but there’s something about the sound of this song, or maybe the lyrics, that makes Whiskey look over towards Miguel a lot more. Surprisingly, Miguel is looking at him too. Miguel is looking at Whiskey a whole fucking lot. Maybe he’s been, the whole time since they got to the Haus – or maybe, if Whiskey thinks about it, Miguel has kind of been paying close attention to him for a lot longer than that.

Out of the corner of his eye, Whiskey sees Dex pull Nursey into a kiss. Across the room, Joyo is stepping into Jader’s personal space without any hesitation, and then they’re both disappearing out of the Haus, their hands loosely intertwined. There’s nothing holding me back croons the singer on the track, his voice raw and hungry and desperate, and all of a sudden, Whiskey wants to scream.

He needs to get out of there.

“Hey,” he says, getting Miguel’s attention – not that he didn’t have it, already. “D’you want-”

“Yeah.” Miguel doesn’t even wait for Whiskey to finish the sentence. “Sure. Sounds good.”

“Okay.” Whiskey breathes, in and out. “Okay. This way.”

He leads Miguel through the crowd, out into the hallway and up the stairs. Before he can think too much about it, they’re stepping into Whiskey’s bedroom. Unfortunately, the state of it is truly a testament to the fact that Whiskey never imagined tonight playing out quite like this.

“Man, I wish I didn't share a dorm room.” Miguel is looking around himself, a little curiously. He doesn’t seem to mind the unmade bed or the dirty laundry discarded in various places. “I’m hoping to move into the water polo frat, next semester – we don’t have a dibs system, so there’s basically just a list, and…”

Miguel trails off. He’s looking at Whiskey, who’s sitting on the edge of his bed, still struggling to keep his breaths even.

“Hey,” Miguel says gently. “You okay?”

“Yeah,” Whiskey manages, before shaking his head. “No. Not really.”

“Okay.” Miguel shifts his feet. “D’you… Should I go?”

“No,” Whiskey says immediately. He looks up at Miguel, his mind suddenly a little clearer. “No, I’m… I’d like it if you stayed. Please.”

Miguel studies his expression for a moment, biting his lower lip, and all of a sudden it seems like he finds what he’s been looking for all this time. He takes a step forward, then another, until he’s slowly walked all the way over to Whiskey. Carefully, and very deliberately, he reaches out to gently trace his fingertips across Whiskey’s cheek.

“I’m not reading this wrong, am I?” he asks, his tone quiet. “Whiskey. Please say something.”

Whiskey takes a steadying breath.

“You’re exactly right,” he admits, his voice coming out rougher than he expected. “Exactly right. Miguel, I’m… I want-”

“Okay,” Miguel breathes out. “Okay. Good.”

Then he leans in.

It’s a wonderful kiss, soft and languid and unhurried, and Whiskey lets his eyes fall shut. He can’t believe that this is actually happening. Can’t believe how he ever got so lucky.

There’s a noise from the stairs, and then someone passes by out in the hallway. Whiskey pulls back, abruptly.

“I’m not out,” he says hurriedly.

Miguel blinks.

“Oh,” he says, clearly startled. “Okay, that’s… Okay.”

“Can I…” Whiskey licks his lips. “Can I close the door?”

“Yeah. Of course.”

Quickly, Whiskey crosses the room and closes the door. Then he turns around. Miguel sits down in the space Whiskey just vacated, his expression a little confused.

The moment has passed.

Whiskey pulls out his desk chair and sinks down into it.

“I’m sorry,” he adds, even though he’s not sure what good it’ll do. Still, it’s the truth. “I’m so sorry that I’m not… That we can’t just-”

“No. Stop.” Miguel’s tone is firm. “You’ve done nothing wrong. Obviously, you’re not required to be out. It’s hardly mandatory.”

“It would make things easier,” Whiskey argues weakly.

“Maybe, yeah.” Miguel shrugs. He smiles a little. “This actually explains so much.”

“I’m so sorry,” Whiskey repeats, then continues before Miguel can protest again. “Are you, uh. Are you out?”

“Yeah. I came out at the end of last semester.” Miguel shrugs again. “I’m the only one on the water polo team, but they’ve all been very cool about it. Maybe not quite as cool as your team, but that’s kind of asking for a lot, isn’t it?”

“Samwell Men’s Hockey is a special place,” Whiskey agrees. It doesn’t make him feel any less guilty. “I’m just… I don’t know, if…”

Whiskey trails off. He’s not even sure what he’s trying to say.

“Okay,” Miguel says calmly. He tilts his head, his expression shifting into something a little less hesitant. “So.”

There’s something in his tone that Whiskey can’t quite place. He’s never been so confused by a single syllable, before.

“So,” Miguel repeats, a little more firmly. “Does this mean kissing’s off the table, or…?”

Whiskey stares at him.

“No,” he says, at least five seconds too late. “No, that’s… You still want to?”

“Uh, yes?” Miguel grins sheepishly. “I mean, only if you do, too. No pressure. We can just chill, or whatever."

“Um.” Whiskey licks his lips. “No, I’m… I’d actually really like that.”

Miguel's grin widens, just a bit.

Then he gets up, and quickly makes his way over.

ch. 14

[call-me-rei]

Chapter 4: Be My Guest

I’ve been thinking about Kellin a lot since I left that voicemail. How we met and how we drifted apart specifically. Memories of him and I together invaded my thoughts at random moments. Sometimes I’d reflect fondly at them, but days like today I resented how vivid they were.

I hated that those memories appeared at random times. It was like reliving grief, when the thoughts of better times flooded your mind when you least expected. You thought you were getting better, but all of a sudden the sadness takes over and you have no choice but to remember all the good times and miss the person they were with.

It hurt.

Today was a day I wished I’d never messaged him to work together. I wished I didn’t see those mentions and that my bandmates didn’t insist that we write a song with him. Then I wouldn’t have had to call him and ask if he’d want to sing that stupid song with us all summer on tour.

But I also couldn’t deny that I was glad I’d met him. I was glad we had a hit song and that it brought us to knowing each other and becoming friends. I was happy to be able to share so many moments with him. I could honestly say that knowing him was a highlight to my life.

That didn’t mean I wasn’t nervous about seeing him again though.

Kellin and I hadn’t hung out or had a proper conversation in years. Now we may be performing together for two and a half months. That meant rehearsals together, sound checks, coordinating our schedules, and interviews since the media loved putting the two of us in awkward situations with each other. But hey, fans loved it so what was the harm, right?

Whatever, that didn’t matter. I needed to focus on one thing at a time.

So that’s what I did. I focused on the present. I put the last few days and memories of the last few years behind me and looked down at the page in front of me. I tried to focus on the draft setlist I was making for Warped Tour that I’d show the guys and have them edit. We were only given thirty-five minutes on stage and I wanted each of them to count. But in order to get that perfect set we had to deliberate over our own music. It was hard, but there were a couple of songs I was certain we needed on the set.

The first song on the list was “Dive In” from our fourth album. I always liked to say that it was a great introduction to the band, especially for those who’d never listened to us before. It had a bit of every sound we’d used in previous albums and really showcased who we were. I loved using it to open our sets.

The next songs came from all of our albums, but we’d have to discuss which ones we wanted to keep and the ones we’d need to switch out for something better.

The last song on the list was “King For A Day”. When my band would tour with Sleeping With Sirens, we’d end each show with that song. Soon that became our closer whether Kellin would be on stage with us or not. I didn’t want to break tradition, so I put the song there. If Kellin decided he didn’t want to sing with us this tour then we’d still play it. It was a fan-favorite, and it wasn’t like us to let fans down.

Speaking of which, I wondered…

I checked my phone for the third time in that half hour to see the same screen void of notifications. I saw that coming but it hurt nonetheless.

With a sigh I put my phone down and put my head in my hands, frustrated that I was only able to get about ten minutes of peace before my mind went back to him. Why was I thinking about him so much? How did one phone call trigger all of these thoughts? My mom used to tell me that you thought about a person more when they were going to be in your life. For instance, you’d think about having a baby if you were pregnant and didn’t know it. She told me that’s how she knew I was coming into the world, so I took her word for it.

Did that mean that Kellin was coming back into my life? Was he going to agree to my proposal? If he was, he hadn’t said anything. Not a call back, not a text, nothing. Maybe I was stressing out because tour was coming quickly and I knew he’d be there. That had to be it.

I wasn’t sure how civil we’d be with one another. Would things be awkward since we hadn’t properly talked in so long? Maybe, that was a very real possibility. I knew that Kellin would ramble if he felt nervous, or he’d shut down completely. I didn’t want either of those things to happen when he was with me. He was always so comfortable around me. Sure, when we first met in person he was standoffish, but he warmed up quickly and it was like we were old pals.

Kind of like our many talks on FaceTime.

I missed those talks and the texts we’d send when we hung up. I missed him. I missed how close we used to be and how comfortable we once were around each other. We used to talk for hours on end and now I couldn’t get a second reply back from a text.

Or a voicemail.

He hadn’t called me back after I left that message days ago, not that I expected him to. I knew it was a long shot since that was the theme of our relationship nowadays, but I at least thought I deserved some common courtesy. You know, call the person back when they call you, or listen to the message and follow up. Instead I got nothing.

I should’ve been angry. I should’ve taken it as a sign that he didn’t want to work with me again. But I couldn’t. I wanted to think the best of him, so my mind told me to ignore all the red flags and hope that maybe he got too busy to reply.

For four days.

I sighed as I wiped my hand down my face. This was stupid. I was being stupid. Why was I so hung up on someone who clearly didn’t want anything to do with me? He’d shown me that time and time again, so why couldn’t I just accept it?

Part of me thought it was because I wanted to know what could have been. If we’d had met in person when fans asked us to do a song together on Twitter rather than writing to each through email and talking on video. If we’d spent time recording in the same studio and having those late nights after hours. If we’d spent more time together on tours and learned more about each other.

If I’d kept my promise to myself and not let him slip away.

Maybe I was delusional. Maybe I was stupid. Maybe I was playing too much into it since it was obvious that he wasn’t aware of my feelings for him. He never noticed how flustered I would get when he so much as said my name.

Maybe I should stop focusing on the past and worry about the here and now. Digging up old memories never helped anyone.

As if the universe was reading my mind, my phone lit up. I picked it up seeing a text from my brother saying he and the guys were at the door. I took a deep breath to compose myself, grabbed the draft page from the desk, and walked to the front to let them in.

“Alright, I’m ready! Let’s do this!” I chuckled at Jaime as I closed the door behind him.

We loved picking the setlist for our shows. For one, it was a chance for us to get together and relive the memories behind our songs. For two, we kind of treated the process like a small hangout. Sometimes we ordered food or had a few drinks while we did it. We found it made it easier for us to cut songs off the list if we weren’t thinking about it too hard.

I walked into the living room in time to see Mike walk in with four beers in hand; Tony and Jaime were already seated. I grabbed one before taking a seat at the end of the couch next to Jaime.

“You guys ready?” I asked. Without a word they lifted their bottles along with me and took a sip.

“Okay boys, let’s get to it.”

***

We’d worked for about an hour before we decided to take a break. Well, an official break. Most of the hour was spent with us cracking jokes at each other’s suggestions then going off on tangents. The beer really helped with that part.

The problem with picking a setlist was figuring out which songs fit the tour, which songs needed to be practiced more, and having to talk with the production team to see what effects could be pulled off in the venue. Currently we were stuck on the second problem. We had ten songs so far, but we needed to cut one seeing as having all ten wouldn’t allow for much time for Tony or me to change guitars if we needed to.

“Maybe we should cut ‘Phantom’.” I gawked at Tony’s suggestion.

“Are you kidding? ‘Phantom’ is gonna kill! If anything, we should cut ‘Besitos’.”

His eyes went wide. “Don’t you dare!” Tony loved “Besitos” since it gave him a chance to play crazy riffs on his guitar. He hated when we started cutting it from our sets once our more recent albums came out.

Mike’s booming laughter sounded after Tony’s exclamation. “Tone, it’s such an old song. I think we can do without it.”

Tony pouted and crossed his arms as he sank into the couch. “Whatever,” he mumbled. “Hime, you’re on my side on this, right? Hime?”

The three of us looked to Jaime when he didn’t respond, seeing that he was engrossed with something on his phone.

I scowled. “Hey Hime, you wanna put your phone down and help us out?”

“Yeah, sorry.” He quickly typed and sent his message then locked his phone after we heard the swoosh tone. He was almost able to set it down on the table in front of him when it dinged again.

I huffed, “Jaime.”

“Sorry, sorry.” His repeated his previous actions – typing on the screen and going to place it on the table – but was able to set his phone down this time. I nodded to him in thanks and went back to work.

“So like we were saying, Hime, ‘Besitos,’ yes or n- “

I didn’t get the chance to finish my sentence due to the ding from Jaime’s phone cutting me off. He reached for it, but I beat him to it, grabbing it off the table.

“Hey!”

“Relax, I’m just gonna tell Jess that you’re busy.” Jess was Jaime’s wife and she usually respected that we were working. If Jaime told her he was going to be with us she wouldn’t call or text unless Jaime did first. Besides, she’s a teacher so there wasn’t much time for her to do so anyway. It was weird that she’d keep texting so often, but then again he had been texting her back. It was easy to assume that we weren’t busy when he was doing that.

I had every intention of telling Jess that her husband was unavailable at that moment, but when I looked down at the screen as his phone dinged the air left my body.

“Uh, Hime?” He hummed. “Why is Kellin texting you?”

“Oh, uh…”

I looked at him with an unamused expression. When he didn’t continue, I looked to the other two people in the room. Tony looked nervous and avoided eye contact while Mike looked nonchalant about it all. Were they afraid of this conversation? Did they know Jaime was talking to Kellin?

I looked back to Jaime who had yet to respond. “I’m listening,” I urged.

“Relax,” he put his hands up as he spoke, “he’s just asking me some questions.”

“Questions?”

“Yeah, that’s it. I’m just providing information.”

“Information?” He nodded. “About what?”

“Well he asked about Warped and doing ‘King For A Day’ and-“

“Wait, he’s asking you?” That alone insulted me. I could get over Jaime talking to Kellin because it didn’t matter much. They were friends and friends talk, no big deal. What bothered me was the fact that I was the one who called and asked him if he wanted to do the damn song with us, and I was the one he never responded to. Why was he talking to Jaime about it when I reached out in the first place?

“Yeah man. It’s no big deal.”

I scowled. Maybe it wasn’t a big deal to him, but it was to me. It was as if Kellin was adding insult to injury by first ignoring me then going behind my back with my best friend. He couldn’t be bothered to respond to my voicemail, but he and Jaime had been texting for who knows how long about who knows what.

I took a deep breath to calm the thoughts in my head. I didn’t need to be angry at Jaime, at least that’s what I tried to tell myself in the back of my mind. The loudest thoughts in my head were telling me to be pissed about the situation. He had hidden it from me and he probably wouldn’t have told me if I had not picked up his phone. It was hard to ignore that reasoning.

“So he’s been texting you this whole time?” Jaime nodded. “About performing with us?”

“Among other things,” he responded with hesitation. That caught the undivided attention of all three of us.

I quirked an eyebrow. “Other things? What other things?” He rubbed the back of his neck, a nervous habit that he had. “Hime?”

“Just…more questions?”

“Really? You sound unsure.”

“Because you’re freaking me out, bro! Take a breath. Relax your shoulders.”

I pursed my lips as I stared at him with furrowed eyebrows. He looked genuinely worried which made me take a metaphorical step back. I was scaring my friend, something I never wanted to do. I wasn’t a violent person, but he apparently thought I would lash out. Reminding myself once again that there was no real reason to be upset with Jaime, I took a deep breath and let go of the tension in my body.

“Okay,” I started again, calmer now, “what else has Kellin asked you about?”

Jaime sighed. “He was asking about you,” he said softly.

“Me or the band?”

“You.”

“Why’d he ask about Vic?” Tony spoke up. His face held the confusion that I was feeling.

Jaime shrugged. “That’s a question for Kellin, but he does wanna talk to you.”

I tossed Jaime’s phone next to me on the couch before I leaned back in annoyance. He wanted to talk to me but wouldn’t talk to me? He had to go through a third party? Either his anxiety concerning me was high or he was fucking with me. I didn’t appreciate it if it was the latter.

What the hell did he want to talk to me about, and why couldn’t he just do it? It’s not like I wasn’t available for him to reach out to me, he just never did. Suddenly the memoires of us that I was trying to forget were replaced with frustration toward him. I no longer cared to know how he was doing, or if he wanted to hang out with me, or if he thought about me as much as I had been thinking about him. No, now I wanted to scream in his face.

“Well tell him-” I was cut off by the sound of my doorbell echoing through the room. We all looked at each other, almost daring one of us to stand and leave the awkward situation. No one made a move.

The bell rang twice more after an extended period of silence, followed by some knocks. “Well, if you guys aren’t gonna get it.” Jaime got up with an exasperated sigh and walked to the front of the house. It was as if that action took us out of our trance because we all followed him once he’d left the living room.

We reached him right as he opened the door, and for the second time that afternoon the air left my body.

“What’s up, dude?”

He was here. Kellin Quinn was at my door. Why the hell was Kellin at my door?

He and Jaime hugged before he turned to me and the other guys. He looked to us with a relaxed smile completely ignoring our surprised expressions. “Hey guys.”

“Hey Kellin,” Mike said slowly. “What…what are you doing here?”

“Oh, well Jaime told me you guys were going to be rehearsing today and he invited me over. I thought he told you.” Suddenly four pairs of eyes were looking at our bassist with varying levels of confusion.

He put his hands up. “I was about to tell you before,” he waved his hand around vaguely, “all that happened.”

“Anyway…,” Kellin got the attention of the room again, “do you mind if I tag along?”

The guys looked to me, obviously trying to gauge how I was feeling about the current situation. I would’ve said no, would’ve cussed him out like I wanted to just a minute ago, but seeing him on my porch with his shy smile and big green, hopeful eyes made me take back every rude thing I had thought earlier.

I sighed to myself for being such a sucker for him. “Yeah, sure,” I answered, keeping eye contact with him. “We were actually about to head over to our rehearsal space if you wanna follow us.”

He pushed his hair out of his face. “Cool. And, uh, do you mind if I leave my bags here?”

What? “Bags?”

“Yeah.” Kellin gestured outside making the four of us look out there with him. A car was sitting in front of my house with a bored-looking driver behind the wheel. “I need to get my bags from my Uber. Is it cool if I leave them here?”

“Sure? But why not leave them in a hotel?”

His face suddenly went from apprehensive to angry. “Because the stupid hotel double booked my room. I went there to check in, but the other guy was there before me. When I asked them to get me another room they said no because of a convention in town. All of the fucking rooms are booked. So now I have nowhere to go. And I don’t wanna find another hotel when that one hasn’t given me my money back yet. Besides I think all of the surrounding ones are booked anyway.”

“Damn man, that sucks.”

Kellin shrugged at Tony. “Yeah, I don’t know what I’m gonna do. I may text Nick and ask if I can stay with him until we head to L.A. next week.”

It might’ve been that I was feeling sympathetic with his situation, or that I just wanted to help. Mike or Tony would’ve argued that it was because I was overwhelmed by my feelings and by seeing him again after so long. Whatever the reason, I found myself saying, “You can stay with me.”

The other four men in attendance looked at me with very different expressions. Jaime looked at me like I was crazy, Tony looked mildly amused, and Mike looked concerned. Kellin though, he was relieved.

“Are you serious?” he asked me.

I can’t be serious.

“Yeah, why not? I have all this extra room and you need somewhere to stay. This way you won’t have to worry about money. And I mean, you’re already in San Diego and Nick lives in NorCal. It’ll be more trouble than it’s worth for you to get up there. So yeah, it’s fine with me if you stay here as long as it’s fine with you.”

I scratched the back of my neck once I finished my spiel. Once again, my bandmates were looking at me. I shrugged them off and focused on Kellin.

“I mean, you don’t have to. You’d probably be more comfortable staying with Nick anyway.”

“No,” he said quickly. “I’d love to stay with you. Nick has Jenna so I could be imposing and I don’t wanna do that, so thanks.”

I nodded, unsure of what else to say.

“I’ll only be here for a week before I go to L.A. I’ll try not to get in your hair.”

I waved him off with a small smile that he returned. His bright eyes shined with happiness and relief. I swear I could’ve gotten lost in them the way they sparkled in the sun. He quickly hopped off the porch to his Uber to get his bags, which gave the guys the perfect opportunity to scold me.

“Are you sure about this?” Mike asked. The same look of concern he was wearing earlier was dominating his features.

I shrugged. “Yeah? I’m just helping a friend out.”

“But is that all you’re trying to do?”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“You know what it means.”

I sighed. “I’ll be fine. I don’t even think about him like that anymore.” That was a fucking lie, and I could tell they all knew it, but they didn’t call me out on it.

“Vic,” my brother warned.

I waved him off. “Don’t worry, nothing like that is gonna happen. I have Danielle and he’s married. I’m more than positive that we’ll be okay. That I’ll be okay.”

Mike sighed. “I just don’t wanna see you get hurt.”

I patted his shoulder. “Thanks for your concern, but I’ll be fine.” I knew that he was skeptical, but he didn’t say anything else as Kellin walked into the house with his bags.

Maybe what I was doing was risky, and maybe my brother had reason to be worried about me getting hurt. Little did he know I’ve been hurt for a while, so what did I have to lose?