#god reading stuff i wrote in middle school is so funny i took myself so seriously while saying the most insane things

[quatregats]

.

[killermchann]

mystik spiral rate youre music page

Icebox Woman

by Mystik Spiral

released 1998

recorded 1992 - 1997

2.33 / 5.0 from 70 ratings

Alternative Rock, Garage Rock, Post-Grunge

Grunge, Noise Rock, Power Pop, Indie Rock, Neo-Psychedelia

lo-fi, raw, angry, noisy, lethargic, introspective, dissonant, psychedelic, melancholic, energetic, depressive, self-hatred, nihilistic, existential, occult, rebellious, spiritual, pessimistic, male vocalist, LGBT, atonal

4 Reviews

cumguzzlinggutterslut

★★★✩✩

i liked the part where those 2 guys howled like wolves that part was funny

30000monkies

★★★★✩

takes me back…i used to play at the zon in the 90s & actually met the guitarist after a gig when i went to use the bathroom. nice guy. i think his name was jerry? he gave me a blowie in one of the stalls & sold me the CD for $20. great stuff! would recommend!

dreamtheaterfan8000

★✩✩✩✩

Pure drivel. I cannot recall a single moment during my first (and only) listen of this garbage where I wasn't appalled. HOW DID THIS TAKE 5 YEARS TO RECORD????? Let us delve into the musical septic tank...

Mystik Spiral is yet another perfectly mediocre post-grunge band that has decided to unleash onto the unwitting public the suburban angst they've carried with them and kept latent since middle school. My first question: What the fuck is a Mystic Spiral? Is it supposed to be a metaphor for their career? It sounds like the name of a Doors cover band. Initially I assumed the misspelling of the word "mystic" to be intentional, but after finishing the album I am fully convinced the members are all semi-literate. Take these lyrics:

"The universe is a cold, cold place, black and Bleak like outer space, the wind chill drops below sub-zero, it's not no time to be a hero."

Woooooow. Didn't know the temperature could drop "below sub-zero," or that poetry you wrote for your Language Arts class when you were twelve constitutes as genuine lyricism. And who still rhymes "zero" with "hero?"

Fortunately, Mystik Spiral is allergic to songs over two minutes in length, making this a much less tedious listen than expected. This compliment is backhanded, as the "songs" are excretions of verse-chorus crap that barely hit the one minute mark.*Yawn.* There is nothing in this album that resembles originality. Why bother writing memorable riffs when you don't even know how to fix that buzz in your amp? Wait, I'm getting ahead of myself.

The playing, if you can call it that, sucks. In spite of their apparent obliviousness to the concept of tuning, or practicing, so-called "guitarists" Trent Lane and Jesse Moreno have discovered an ingenious method: drown everything in as much feedback as possible so nobody can tell how bad it is. I cannot stress enough the fact that Mystik Spiral's sound is that of two college students whisper-arguing on top of TV static while someone living in their basement plays the drums. Props to the drummer, by the way, for managing to keep a simple 4/4 beat to this tuneless nonsense. I don't know why Mystik Spiral has a bassist, though. You can't even hear him, except some songs where he started playing too early & they decided not to do another take. It's like they're so ashamed to have him there they had to bury him in the mix. Or maybe he forgot to turn his volume knob up or something. Then I read that Mystik Spiral didn't even have a bassist until 1996, four years into the recording sessions. Who cares, man? It's called artistic liberty. Such is fate for so-called "alternative rock...." It should be illegal for bands to keep trying to emulate Nirvana and the Screaming Trees. Also Trent is the most bored sounding singer of all time. Also he can't sing. Also was it really necessary to include a 30-minute audio recording of a woman giving birth as a hidden track?

EDIT: After posting this review that took me a week to write I got a lot of messages insisting there was no childbirth recording & that I'm crazy. I swear to God it was there. It took up over half the album's runtime. How on earth is no one else hearing it?????

JesusSaves1968

★★★★★

This album gave me the first erection I've had in 30 years

[emerald-chaos]

Touchdown

*gif not mine, credit goes to the owner*

I just want to take a moment to say thank you for the love on my last fic! It made my lil ole heart swell to see that peopled enjoyed it enough to leave a like or reblog.

This is just something special I had in my arsenal that I wrote for a friend a few months ago. I touched it up a bit and added a few things here and there. It all started when we were talking about how much we loved when Chris' accent got heavier after he'd been drinking, and well, I couldn't help myself lol. I hope you enjoy the fluff! xoxo

I apologize for any grammatical errors, I tried to proof-read but am also a little exhausted lol.

Pairing: Chris Evans x Reader

Word Count: 2844

Warnings: I don't think there's anyway? Mentions of being drunk/drinking alcohol, cursing, and illusions to sexy times, but that's about it.

You hadn’t noticed how furiously your knee was bouncing up and down until the person sitting next to you on the subway got up to move seats once the train squealed to a stop. You sighed and ran your hands down the front of your thighs. Normally being a little late didn’t bother you as much, but tonight you were meeting him.

You flipped your wrist over to check your watch. 8:30pm. In all honesty, it had probably been only thirty seconds later than when you checked it the last time. Another deep sigh escaped from your lips as you started to become hyper aware of the train remaining still at the current stop. What could possibly be taking so long? You knew he wouldn’t care if you were running late, but the time the two of you had together already felt so minuscule. You wanted to capitalize on every second you could.

The train began moving again and you slumped back into your seat, feeling only a small amount of relief. It was becoming painfully apparent that you needed to try and relax. You could feel the sweat building up on your body, the sting on your palms from where your fingernails were pressing in with a vengeance moments ago, and you could hear your heart thumping in your ears. Your hand dug around in your purse for a few moments before finding the small case you were looking for. Opening it, you slipped your headphones into your ears and let your head rest on the window behind you as music intertwined with your thoughts.

Once upon a time, you made fun of people who decided to go to grad school. What kind of a clown would spend thousands of MORE dollars and go BACK to school?? Not to mention the stress of the assignments, the due dates - it was not for you...or so you thought.

Now here you are, a regular booboo the fool.

NYU’s graduate program for design and merchandising wasn’t necessarily part of your 5-year plan, but when the opportunity landed in front of you it was difficult to pass up. NYU was a school you had only dreamt of attending back in high school. When you were a senior in high school you were able to tour the campus and fell in love immediately. Hours upon hours were spent researching grants, scholarships, and all sorts of ways to try to make it happen. However, the dream ended as most teenage dreams do - crushed. There was no way you or your parents could afford the loans that it would surely wrack up to attend the out of state university, and there was no way you could ask your parents take on that kind of debt just so you could go to college. UMass was the way to go - close to home and familiar. Not to mention you were able to obtain several scholarships and grants that helped bring down the cost tremendously. Little did you know, boring ole UMass would bring you one of the most important things in your life.

Applying for graduate school wasn’t an easy decision and one you couldn’t really take all the credit for. A smile crept across your face as you reminisced on the night you nervously brought up the idea to your long-term boyfriend.

“I think you should do it,”

“I know, right?” you scoffed, “it’s insane, why would I do something so stup...wait, what? You do?”

“Of course I do. This is something you love and that you’re passionate about. Do you know how many hours of my life were spent listening to you ramble about NYU?” he questioned with a grin.

“It will open up so many doors for you. We can make things work,” a chuckle escaped from those beautiful lips as he saw your dumbfounded expression. He wrapped his fingers around your waist and pulled you close, “What? Did you expect me to forbid it? Cmon, baby, what kind of guy do you take me for?”

You didn’t have a lot of wins in your life, but you did have Chris.

When you got accepted, he took off a week from work to drive you 3 and a half hours south to help get you settled and moved into your temporary new home. The two of you ate a disgusting amount of pizza, moved a ridiculous amount of heavy furniture in the middle of a summer heat wave, and enjoyed each other’s company before the long-distance thing would set in. Chris spent that week encouraging you every step of the way, talking you off the ledge when you were convinced you had made the wrong decision, and made sure to help you christen every possible surface of your new place in the most deliciously sinful way.

You bit your lip slightly at the thought and a warm feeling spread across your face. Chris was one of the most incredible people you had met in this world. Kind, caring, funny, intelligent, passionate, and god was he sexy. The connection the two of you had was scary at first, but now you just couldn’t imagine spending your life with anyone else.

The robotic voice came over the loud-speaker in the subway car and you were rudely ripped back to reality as it pulled into your stop. You hurriedly scooped up your bag and jogged off the train.

It had been a promise between the two of you when you moved that there would be equal effort when it came to visiting and keeping in contact while having good, open communication. Long distance was hard but the two of you were determined to make it work. FaceTime calls, hours upon hours of texting, and even as far as writing the occasional letter back and forth (because your boyfriend was a hopeless romantic and you loved it so much). This weekend was your turn to come home to visit, and of course your last class had to go longer than anticipated. Fuckin’ Tiffany and her stupid ass questions.

The muscles of your calves burned as you kept up your hurried pace, weaving through the crowds of people gathered on sidewalks outside of various clubs and restaurants. It was a weekend night and the Patriots were playing, which meant the city was more alive than usual. New York was it's own beast, but it was a different type of hustle and bustle. Nights like these made your heart ache for home - the thick Massachusetts accents, the rowdy voices of bar patrons arguing about the game, the hugs shared between family members as they parted after dinner, and the faint smell of nicotine and alcohol that hung in the air.

As the neon sign that hung in the pub window came in to view you felt your heart dip down into your stomach. Last weekend’s visit had to be cancelled due to some stuff coming up with Chris’ work and a surprise assignment for you, so you hadn’t seen your boyfriend in 2 weeks. With a deep breath you swung open the door and scanned the crowd for him. He told you that he would be there promptly at 7:15pm for pregame shenanigans with his friends - which actually translated to how many pitchers of beer could they suck down before kick off.

“Aw, come ON! That is such a bullshit call!”

You heard him before you saw him. Of course. A grin spread across your lips as you shook your head. The thought of leaving to avoid secondhand embarrassment crossed your mind briefly before you picked up your feet and made your way through the crowd toward the sound. A room full of people from New England and you would still recognize that voice anywhere.

Everyone else seemed to fade away as you saw the outline of the tall, dark haired man standing at the bar. The slight freckles that spattered the back of his neck, the Brady jersey that he spent WAY too much money customizing, and the signature backward ball cap were ingrained in your subconscious memory. Not to mention if you didn’t recognize his outline or his voice, you would definitely recognize that ass anywhere.

You loved how passionate he got about sports and the way his Boston accent seemed to get thicker with each beer he consumed. Growing up in the area, you wouldn't think the accent would send a tingle down your spine the way it does, but it was different - it was Chris. Not to mention the sparkle in his eye when he would watch his favorite team or the way he would get in to arguments whenever someone tried to say something negative about them. You loved your big, handsome, over-sized toddler man so damn much.

A light tap on his shoulder made him whip around, his slightly opened mouth from his interrupted conversation curved upwards into a wicked grin as he made the connection of who was finally standing in front of him.

“Hey there, handsome. I don’t see a ring on your finger. You single?” You grinned, feeling your entire body fill with warmth as Chris leaned back and grabbed his chest as he erupted in laughter.

“Nah, nah, nah, unfortunately for you I am taken” he responded as he snaked his arms around your waist, sliding his hands into your back pockets as he pulled you into his figure.

“That is too bad,” you tsk'd, running a finger down his toned bicep, “she’s one lucky girl.”

“I think I’m the lucky one,” he grinned. He leaned down to meet your lips in a kiss. You sighed into it, allowing your body to mold itself so perfectly into his. The taste of beer on his lips and the smell of his cologne was intoxicating - it was home. You immediately allowed him entrance as you felt his tongue glide along your bottom lip. Your body felt small in his strong grip and you couldn’t help but laugh a bit as he gave your ass a firm squeeze. Normally, this type of bold, public display of affection would make you cringe away but at this point you were lost in Chris that you had absolutely no shame. Each time the two of you embraced had always felt like the first. Your heart still fluttered and your knees still got weak, like you were a 16 year old being kissed for the first time.

In the middle of your reunion moment, however, something happened in the game that made the entire bar erupt in boo’s and curses. Chris lifted his lips from yours to look over his shoulder and inspect what he had missed. You laughed and shook your head as you pushed him back towards his friends and took a seat in the bar stool he had been standing behind initially. His large hands found a natural place on your shoulders. While his eyes remained glued on the TV he began applying a moderate amount of pressure to your neck and shoulders. You didn’t realize how much your body craved that touch, his touch, until you immediately melted back into him.

The bartender slid a beer in front of you with a wink and you mouthed your thanks. You felt a twinge in your heart as you looked around, taking in the atmosphere of the bar. This was a typical weekend night for the two of you whenever you were living together. Football, drinks, pub food, and friends. If it wasn’t this pub it was your living room, just a couple blocks away. You didn’t even mind that it was your first night back and you weren’t alone, spending it immediately wrapped up in your satin sheets. The atmosphere, the people - it was so warm and familiar that you really wouldn’t rather be doing anything else. Plus, being wrapped up together in the sheets was sure to follow.

“I missed you,” hummed a pair of lips as they placed a kiss on the shell of your ear. A shiver shot down your spine at the sensation of his warm breath fanning over your neck. You reached up a hand and connected it to the nape of his neck.

“I missed you too,” you replied, turning your head to plant a kiss on his stubbled cheek.

His arms changed position as he wrapped them in front of your shoulders and crossed them, resting his chin on the top of your head. Your hand absentmindedly rubbed his forearms as you nursed your beer and placed your focus onto the game for the first time tonight.

The laughter seemed to escape from your chest naturally and effortlessly the entire night, as it always had a habit of doing when Chris was around. The camaraderie between him and his buddies during a game was something you’d grown to enjoy over the years. Chris’ competitive nature and the way his jaw clenched when something wasn’t going the way he wanted was always kinda...hot. All of his friends were huge assholes, but in the best way. It was always entertaining to hear them jab at each other and do what they could to rile someone up. They were the life of every party you had ever attended and they had a way of making a boring night a lot more interesting.

Thankfully (for the integrity of the bar) the Pats won the game with a surprise touchdown in the last 30 seconds of the game. Chris, being the guy he is, bought a final round for his friends and a nearby group they had been going back and forth with all night. You couldn’t help but laugh as he drunkenly leaned across the counter and slurred his order to the bartender.

“I need a round for m’friends and for these assholes over here who thought Tom Brady was anything but a winner!” the group started yelling in protest and he simply waved them off and started sliding beers down the bar.

The group eventually moved to a bigger round top so everyone could shoot the shit and banter about the outcome of the game. You were tucked into Chris’ side, hands intertwined as he was passionately discussing the importance of Brady’s legacy with a stranger who made the mistake of stopping to talk to him. Your eyes followed the motion of your thumb as it traced small circles onto the back of his. Your other hand under your chin, holding up the weight of your head as your exhaustion started to catch up with you. Chris, although slightly drunk, picked up on your body language and raised your hand to his lips for a kiss.

“Alright, fellas,” he said as he stood up from his seat, pulling you up with him, “the lady and I are gonna call it a night. See you boys next weekend”.

“Chris, we don’t have to go,” you began to protest as he tucked his jacket around your shoulders.

“Mm, ‘course we do,” he replied with a soft smile, “you’re so tired, baby. I can see it in those beautiful eyes”.

You could feel your cheeks turn a light shade of pink as you rolled your eyes at his attempt at laying it on thick. After what felt like a proper 10 minute goodbye session, the group said their final goodbyes, hugs included, and you walked out of the pub hand in hand.

The walk home was filled with the sounds of cars passing by and conversation of what each other had missed in the week prior. Small talk typically felt like such a chore, but with Chris every conversation came naturally. Even when he had absolutely no idea what you were talking about, he would listen intently and ask all the questions as if it was the most interesting conversation in the world.

The lock on the apartment door clicked as you pushed it open and entered. You smiled as you stopped into the middle of the living room, taking in the home you missed so dearly. A soft tapping of toenails against the hardwood made your heart soar as you met the eyes of your sweet pup, Dodger. A squeal left your lips as you squatted down to give love to the sweet boy. Chris always made fun of you when you came home, saying that you always seemed to miss Dodger more than you did him and I mean, he wasn’t entirely wrong about that statement.

Once again lost in your own world, you didn’t even notice Chris leaned up against the wall watching you with a smile.

“Oh my god,” you gushed, standing up, “do you like...like me or something?”

Chris grinned as he crossed the room and caught your belt loop with his finger, pulling you into him slowly.

“Yeah,” his voice had dropped down an octave, “you could say that”.

“Mm,” your tongue swiped across your lower lip and you wrapped your arms around his neck, “care to show me how much?”

The look in his eyes made your core burn. The tension building between you two became too much to handle as you crashed your lips into his. The kisses were messy and you could feel the sense of urgency between you two. His beard scratched against the column of your throat with a delicious burn as he left wet kisses across your jaw and down the side of your neck. Chris’ hands found their way back into the ass pockets of your jeans as he started walking you back towards the direction of the bedroom.

Soon, there was a trail of clothes leading to your bedroom and you felt very sorry for your neighbors. It had been a long time, but Chris always had a way of welcoming you home.

[fakeloveaskblog]

(Hi, me again. It made me chuckle when Virgil was having a crisis over us Watchers shape changing abilities. I must admit it sparked my own curiosity as well. Also welcome back to unofficial therapy with Virgil, brought to you by Glow Eyes.)

Not to worry Virgil, I will make the finest toad-in-the-hole with gravy, potato salad and peas that you will ever have. (The meal is totally not based on what I had a few weeks ago. (That was sarcasm by the way.)) You will not have to worry about food for a while.

I can’t make any promises about cleaning though. I am notoriously bad at that. Also good idea with the box of Remy’s stuff, I’m sure they’ll appreciate it.

I’m sure that I can speak for all Watchers when I say that we will do everything in our power to prevent you from doing anything that would hurt Remy and I can certainly speak for myself when I say I will do everything in my power to try and prevent you from hurting yourself.

*disinfects and applies bandages to Virgil’s hand*

*hands Virgil a plate of food*

*eyes glow a comforting orange*

Your doing well. I’m proud of you. Remember, baby steps.

Glow Eyes

Tw: misgendering in the under the cut part

It had been about a day since you'd last chatted with Virgil. He was laying on the couch, still in his work clothes with a half drunk bottle of beer in his hand.

When he heard your voice he groggily rubbed his eyes and squinted up at you. He'd barely talked to anyone today, not even at work. He'd forgotten to eat and drink anything until now....and well beer wasn't that good for hydrating. It had been a long while since he'd gone through an entire cigarette package in one day. A headache dunked in his head from all the ugly crying he'd done in between working.

As soon as he heard your first sentence he let up into a shit eating lil smirk "Ghostie I have no fucking idea what kind of food you just said but it sounds like shit so I assume it's british ay" He chuckled "Not like I'm gonna say no to free food like ever. 'Specially not now"

He sat up in the couch and finished the bottle. He sat it on the growing pile of trash laying on the coffee table.

“I had like thought maybe you or one of your uh friends had cleaning? powers? But I guess you gotta have some limits or you’d have destroyed the universe by now”  He scratched on the black nailpolish on his bitten down fingers “I hope Remy appreciates it too”

It took a few seconds of him making the sourest facial expression possibly before he continued.

“I uh I kinda- with Remy’s- with a lot of Remy’s stuff uh gone from the closet I saw some of my old stuff I’d put in there. I- Just- I can show you I guess. Have a laugh about it. Be two funny wankers or whatever the fuck the british say”

While he went over to the closet in the bedroom he quietly contemplated how a ghost could be british. He didn’t even want to think about the possibility that you or the other ghost could have been actual living human beings once.

He peered around in the closet before pulling out a stack of yellowing sketchbooks and taking them with him to the kitchen. He poured them out onto the floor and began to look through them while you started to make dinner.

“Believe it or not but...and this might sound shocking...But I an angsty emo used to draw angsty emo doodles in middle and high school”

He opened a random page and immediately went pale with shame. He looked like he was either going to throw up or eat the entire book in one bite.

“Oh god I’d forgotten I’d tried to calligraphy my favorite super duper deep song lyrics. Like let’s see” He fake coughed before beginning to read aloud like a Shakespeare actor “‘Whiskey seems to be my holy water’. Yes. Very deep. Very sad. For your knowledge I had not drank any alcohol by the time I wrote that down. I only drank with Remy. Drank and drank. I more like sipped on their drinks”

He skimmed through a few pages and showed you some doodles. It was mostly simple things. Skeletons, ghosts, Nightmare before Christmas drawings, band members. In the sidelines of the papers another person had chimed in with silly hearts, cartoony dick drawings and small comments.

“Doodling uhm helped with the like anxiety during class and lunch and stuff. I used to like convince Remy to not skip class by enticing them with the privilege of getting to annoy me during class. I know. How wonderful” He said dryly before letting up into a soft smile “They liked holding my hand under the table. They always got excited to compliment me on how smart they thought I was”

His eyes stagnated on a spot on the floor for a while as he got lost in thought. The sound of you chopping up the potatoes shook him back to the present.

“I am so glad you and all of your friends can only speak in those weird like...Like you can’t react to me in real time? Because OH boy if you could actually verbally react to my fuck ass 16 year olds shot at ‘creativity’ I would actually die. A bolt of lightning would instantly strike me down” He got all smug “But you can’t!! HAh! Fucker! You’re stuck in silence!”

Your eyes went a bit green which made him throw one of the sketchbooks at you knowing fully well it would just go through you.

“Don’t you Green eye me!!! I know what that means!!! How dare you be nice to me! FUCK YOU! Get out of here with your fucking british manners or whatever!! You got gross ghost slime!!”

His ears had went pink from embarrassment. He crossed his arms and tried to look as annoyed as possible without outright pouting. You just continued cooking knowing he couldn’t go that long without rambling. He was a Very lonely dude.

“I don’t really remember why I stopped drawing and stuff” He began to ramble “I guess I realized I was awful at creativity....Or well...I mean....I can guess I stopped around the time me and Remy moved here. Y’know getting a job, having to take care of them. They were still trying to work at that time and it left them like catatonic in pain most nights...And uhm their flashbacks and nightmares were even worse than they are now...It was a lot of having to get used to seeing them in pain 24/7....Lots of having to learn how to relieve the pain...lots of hospital checks....lots of seeing them struggle to get used to not...to not being abused......I guess..my interests just kinda.....got away from me”

Virgil stilled in his movements. It took a while before you even noticed the tears pressing on at the edges of his eyes. His nose went red from trying to hold them back. He wiped them away as fast he could.

“This is so stupid” He mumbled “...You’ve heard me talking.....even when it’s ‘bout my old interests everything always comes back to Remy.....i thought maybe i could find something in these books...like to show what kind of person i was before them...but...but i’m just....i’m just hollow...i’m gone...I’m- I am Nothing!”

His chest suddenly felt stiff and his eyes roamed around the room. You floated closed and said the last part of your message. About how surely all of the watchers would do everything to prevent him from ever hurting Remy ever again, and that you at least wanted to try and prevent him hurting himself. It helped to have a voice to listen to. It was a good enough distraction.

Virgil glared at you before slowly, and with great effort, forcing himself to say “.....thanks...I guess...to all of the uh watchers...I guess.....”

The food was done. You handed him a plate. He didn’t bother to get up from the ground to eat. He just sat there and sadly poked at the toad in the holes with a fork.

“I wish it could go quickly.....I wish reinventing myself to someone without Remy could go quick...”

When he looked up he met your glowing orange eyes.

“Right...baby steps”

He forced half a smile and held up his fork towards you as if he was holding up a glass to say cheers.

“Oh shit this isn’t as bad as I thought. I was like 100% ready to just survive on any scrap of garbage not gonna lie. But this is like good”

You floated around him the entire time he ate. Every time you tried to peer into one of the sketchbook he threw a pea at you.

“If you’re gonna stay floating around here I think it’s gonna be a bit boring. I mean...I think all I’m gonna do is work...be sad.....miss them.....smoke...be sad...and uh let me see....be sad. I guess I don’t mind having you here- EVEn though I very much hate you!!! And I find you annoying!!!! Very!!- I don’t mind. But uhm..Maybe if you haven’t checked up on my ba- Remy maybe you should uhm check in on them? You’ve heard how I’ve been going on I assume....Even if I hope they’re doing well...I dunno if they-”

A sudden knock came from the door.

“REmy?!” Was all Virgil got out.

He threw aside the empty plate and instantly got up.  ran his hands through his hair to try and fix it and even checked his breathe before cursing himself for not prioritizing taking a shower.

It hadn’t even gone enough time for a second knock and Virgil was already standing by the door. He tried to look cool as possible as he opened it. A huge shining grin played on his lips.

“Hey Vivzie” Oswald said as he looked down at the other man.

Virgil’s expression instantly soured like an entire bathtub filled with milk in the middle of the summer. He want back to slouching and had to hold back the urge to roll his eyes.

“Hello Ozzie” He replied through gritted teeth.

“I thought you were ‘spossed to be at work around this time” Oswald half asked while welcoming himself in.

“This might surprise you but sometimes work times change. I know. Shocking”

He waved Virgil’s sarcasm off while subtly glancing around the apartment “Where’s the other one? The dumb to your dumber if you will. The Bill to your Ted-”

“Oh shut up”

Virgil went over to the kitchen while Oswald followed along with a calm smile. The emo took out two beers from the fridge and held one out for the other man who shook his head. Instead Viv offered him a cigarette and they both took long blows before the conversation resumed.

“Let me guess...Remy all suddenly grew new legs and left to party to catch up for the latest months of boring couch potating” Oswald said dryly. 

“....they left me” 

“What was that now?” Oswald replied, having fully heard him.

“They left me. They’re not- They’re staying with someone else- It’s- We’re over”

Oswald reached out his hand and half assedly patted Virgil on the shoulder “First breakup?”

He nodded.

“That’s rough buddy. You can bring out the beers again if you want. I even think I can give you a bit of an extra friendly break up sale if you want to buy anything to cheer up”

“no..uhm...thanks...no thank you...Those kinds of things I uh I only do that stuff with Remy”

Oswald shrugged and leaned against the kitchen counter. He put out the cigarette against one of the dirty dishes laying in the sink.

“Not to pretend to be a relationship expert here but vivzie you must have really messed up if he left. I don’t mean to sound mean but he didn’t seem like the type who could survive on his own for more than a week. His bones looks like baby twigs. He reminds me of a very sad very small baby bird that has just fallen out of a tree...You said he is staying with someone else?”

“They only use they/them. They don’t interchange pronouns” Virgil instantly corrected before shrugging “Just some like” He gritted his teeth “Friends they’re staying with. They’re not like- You don’t know them. I uh...I would have been really worried for their health if I didn’t know they had people taking care of them” He glanced over to you “Lots of...solid...people”

Oswald squinted at him while loosening up his smile “Oh come on now Vivzie” he crossed his arms and leant closer towards him “He’s not here anymore. You don’t have to act so polite about it”

“About what?” He asked, anger already beginning to boil under his skin.

“You know what I’m talking about. With Remy’s whole...thing. Or nevermind he told me while he was high his real name is-”

Virgil’s hands moved into fists so quickly his cigarette got crushed in between his fingers “I think it’s time you get out of my goddamn apartment!”

“Aw sorry did I hurt your feelings. They must have already been really crushed with the whole your long term boyfriend leaving you. Must feel pretty bad being so awful even a weak ass cunt like him will leave y-”

Before he even had time to finish the sentence Virgil had swung his fist right into the side of Oswald’s face. He took a step back and moved his hand up to feel the spot where he had been hit.

“What in the hell is wrong with you!?”

“GET OUT! I KNOW YOU NEVER CAME AROUND FOR MY SAKE ANYWAY! THEY’RE NOT HERE! THERE’S NOTHING FOR YOU TO FUCKING FLIRT WITH! JUST LEAVE! YOU’RE STUPID IF YOU THINK I WON’T DEFEND THEM ‘TIL THE DAY I DIE JUST ‘CAUSE THEY’VE LEFT ME!”

Oswald looked down at his hand for a moment as he moved his lower jaw around to feel if anything had been damaged. He glanced up and met Virgil’s furious eyes.

In one swift motion Oswald had pulled his arms around Virgil and held him in a headlock. He pulled onto a chunk of his dyed hair and twisted it around in his hand before slamming the side of Virgil’s face onto the stove. He held Viv’s head down with one hand and held his other hand around both of his wrists.

Even though Virgil tried to twist and squirm around he couldn’t move away. Oswald leaned down so close that Virgil could feel his breathe against his ear as Os spoke.

“Why would I ever come around for a piece of shit like you. I don’t even have to think for a single second to know why he left you, you violent bastard”

“YOU ARE LITERALLY HOLDING ME DOWN YOU HYPOCRITICAL MASS OF BLOODY MEAT!!”

“Maybe i was coming over to check that you hadn’t murdered him yet. Choked him a bit too long. Left him to rot. Let him overdose. Maybe I was coming over to try and convince him to leave. Sometimes a victim just has to see what true love and passion and nicety is-”

“LOVE ISN’T MISGENDERING THEM!!”

“Vivzie when did I say I loved them. I’m simply a gentleman, and you’re a pity to the eye. I can fake love if it means I can help a poor soul like Remy. I am sure he is still suffering ‘cause of your assholery. I am just oh so ready to help him you see”

Oswald literally rolled his eyes while saying that last part.

“Get. Out. Of. My. Apartment” Virgil spat out.

“Gladly”

Oswald pulled Virgil up by his hair and threw him head first against the closest wall. Virgil managed to stop himself with his hands but his face still slammed into the wall leaving him lightheaded as he fell down onto the ground. The entire room was spinning as he watched Oswald walking out.

Blood ran down from his nose. He saw your eyes shifting color to show worry and he quickly waved it off.

“I’m okay. Just a nose bleed. It’s nothing compared to what I put Remy through. I’ll be okay” 

As Oswald left the apartment a sort of liquid fell down from the door frame and landed on his shoulder. He didn’t notice it until he was going down the stairs. He grimaced as he wiped it off. He muttered something out about how awfully dirty these kinds of apartment complexes were.

The liquid landed on the floor. It was hard to see what exactly it was. It could be the sort of liquid that exudes from the voids demons inhabit. It could the remnants of a ghost touch. It could be the goo from a snail.

Whatever it was it watched him as he left the apartment complex.

[Oswald is now open for asks. Physical violence is allowed]

[thepremedthatwrites]

hi so i've written this one shot where y/n was dating edmund and he takes her home for a study session and throughout the whole thing she and peter kept flirting, anyways she ended up staying the night in peter's room to be precise (i made it fluff). could you maybe write an alternate smut ending because peter is a naughty boi, i wrote this as if peter was 21 and she was 18 along side edmund, is this idea well written because i can't describe stuff sjdjskd

Our Dirty Little Secret

I have never felt so dirty after writing something lmao but I would be lying if I said I didn’t enjoy writing it.  I hope you like it! (also Edmund deserves the world so if you want to read some A+ Edmund imagines/smut I recommend checking out edmundpevensieisbaby on tumblr)

warning: smut below the cut

My fingers were interlocked with his as we walked down the street.  The unforgiving sun was beating down on us as we neared his house.  “This calculus exam is going to kill me,” I groaned.

“That’s why I’m here,” Edmund chuckled, squeezing my hand.  “I’ll teach you all that I know.”

“So we’re actually going to do work this time?” I questioned, raising an eyebrow and causing Edmund to laugh.

“I’ll try my hardest but that skirt you're wearing might make it hard for me to concentrate.”  I felt my face warm at his words.  The skirt I was wearing reached just the middle of my thigh, a bit shorter than I was used to but it was so hot out that I couldn’t help but wear as little clothing as possible.

“It is only Lucy at the house, right?  I don’t want to make a poor first impression with your other siblings.”  Ed and I had only been dating for a few months.  I didn’t want his family to already disapprove of me.

“Actually, Peter just got home from university.  He’s staying for the weekend.”

“You’re joking,” I groaned as we walked up to the front door.  The extra car in the driveway supported Edmund’s claim.  

“I’m home!” Edmund announced as we entered the house.  Lucy was sitting at the kitchen table, eating an apple while scrolling through her phone.  She glanced up, giving a smile and a wave before returning to her phone.  I heard the sound of footsteps approaching us from the hall to our right.  A tall man who seemed to be in his early twenties appeared.  I was taken aback by his attractiveness, his blond hair slightly messy as if he had just woken from a nap, his blue eyes still slightly clouded with sleep.  He ran his fingers through his hair as his eyes landed on me.

“You didn’t tell me you were bringing home a guest,” the man said.

“Well I didn’t know I had to tell you,” Ed replied, releasing my hand to wrap his arm around my waist.  “Pete, this is my girlfriend (y/n).  (Y/n), this is my older brother Peter.”

“Nice to meet you,” I smiled, extending my hand for him to shake.

“It’s a pleasure to meet you as well,” Peter said, shaking my hand as his eyes traced my figure, lingering on my skirt for a moment before flickering back to my (e/c) eyes.  “Ed didn’t tell me he had a girlfriend.”

“We really only just started dating,” I said quickly, feeling my heart race as Peter’s eyes focused on me.  

“If you excuse us, (y/n) and I will be in my room studying,” Ed said as he started to guide me towards his bedroom.

“Are you guys actually going to be studying this time?” Lucy asked from the kitchen table causing me to start blushing.  While I had thought we had been quiet, Lucy’s comment suggested otherwise.  

“Haha very funny,” Edmund said, sticking his tongue out at his little sister.  

“Wow, very mature Ed,” she replied with, rolling her eyes and causing me to chuckle.

“Come on, stop your bickering.  I need you to help me pass this calc exam,” I said, pulling him towards his bedroom door.  I could feel Peter’s eyes watching me as I walked into Ed’s room.  I turned back towards Peter, my eyes catching his causing him to turn away as I closed the door.  My heart was still racing as the door replaced my vision of Peter.  No, this was wrong.  I was with Ed, not Peter.  But there was something about Peter that seemed to draw me towards him.

“You okay (y/n)?” Edmund asked, breaking me from my thoughts.

“Yeah, of course,” I lied, making my way to my boyfriend.  “Now, please for the love of God explain what an integral is,” I said as I pulled out my notebook from my backpack.

Ed and I had been studying for about an hour.  “Does that make sense?” Ed asked as he finished his explanation.

“I think so,” I said, slowly nodding my head.

“Good.  I think we should take a break,” he said while bringing his hand towards my thigh.

“What exactly were you thinking we should do during this break?” I questioned, my voice low as I started to lean in towards him.

“I have a few ideas,” he growled, his hand roughly squeezing my thigh causing me to gasp.  “And a few of them include taking off that pretty little skirt of yours.”  He closed the gap between us that I had already been slowly closing.  The kiss was rough, taking the breath out of me as his hands wandered my body.  Somewhere during the kiss, I moved so that I was straddling him.  I held his face in my hands as I parted my lips, allowing him entrance.  His hands squeezed my ass causing me to let out a small moan.  The sound of someone clearing their throat caused us to pull away quickly.  I looked up to see Peter in the frame of the now opened door.

“Dinner’s ready,” Peter stated through clenched teeth.  He seemed stiffer than before as he looked at the scene in front of him.  I slowly climbed off of Ed, my face now a light pink from a mixture of the make-out session and being caught.  I adjusted my skirt which caught the attention of Peter whose eyes flickered to it.  “Will you be joining us for dinner (y/n)?”

“Oh yes,” I replied quickly, hoping the new conversation would help ease the tension in the room.  Ed got up, walking to my side.

“She’s actually staying the night since I live much closer to school.  That way she can get to school early to study before her exam.”  Peter shifted his weight between his feet as he listened to his brother, occasionally glancing at me.  

“Alright,” he said before turning around and heading back to the kitchen.

“He isn’t mad, is he?” I asked quietly.

“No,” Ed shook his head.  “At least I don’t think so.  I’m not sure what his problem is.  Maybe he’s just stressed.”  He gave a shrug before grabbing my hand and leading me to the kitchen.

“Oh look!  The two lovebirds finally decided to grace us with their presence,” Lucy said as we walked into the kitchen.  Edmund’s parents chuckled at their daughter’s comment.

“You’re just on a streak today of making fun of me,” Edmund said, shaking his head.

“Isn’t that every day?” Peter questioned causing all of us to laugh.  Edmund sat down next to Lucy while I sat across from him next to Peter.

“How’s studying going?” Edmund’s father asked.

“It’s going good.  Edmund’s amazing at teaching math,” I said.  

“Well, it’s easy when the student is so amazing.”  I smiled at Edmund’s words.  His parents smiled as well while Lucy made fake gagging sounds.  This caused her parents to turn to her and ask her about her day.  I half-listened while shoveling food into my mouth, starving after a day of school which included no breaks for lunch.

“Hungry?” Peter questioned, chuckling at his own joke.

“Only a bit,” I replied with, cracking a smile.  “I haven’t eaten all day plus it doesn’t hurt that the food is absolutely delicious.”

“I’ll take that as a compliment.”

“You cooked this?”  My eyes widened in surprise.  At first glance, you wouldn’t think of Peter as a cook.

“My specialty,” he said, a grin on his face.  

“(Y/n),” Edmund’s mother said causing me to turn to her.  “We set up the couch for you to sleep on but if it’s too uncomfortable, I’m sure Susan wouldn’t mind you borrowing her bedroom for the night.”

“The couch is fine,” I replied as everyone had started to clean up.  

“Great!  Edmund, would you clean up your girlfriend’s plate while I show her to the bathroom.”  Edmund nodded, grabbing my plate and walking towards the sink where Lucy was waiting.  I got up from my seat.  As I started to turn to follow Edmund’s mom, I couldn’t help but realize that my ass was level with Peter’s face who was still sitting next to my seat.  I straightened my skirt, trying to pull it down a bit lower to cover as much as possible so Peter didn’t see too much.  I could feel his eyes watch me as I walked away from my seat and towards the hall where the bathroom was.

I laid on the couch, staring up at the ceiling.  It was almost midnight now but I could barely sleep.  All I could think about was Peter.  “Snap out of it,” I mumbled to myself as I turned to my side.  I was with Edmund, not Peter.  But why did Peter make my heart flutter and my stomach do somersaults?  “This isn’t working,” I said, sitting upright.  I ran a hand through my (h/c) locks.  Maybe spending some time with Edmund would help me get my mind off of Peter. 

I slowly got off of the couch, tiptoeing my way towards Edmund’s door.  I paused as I heard what sounded like panting coming from another door.  “(Y/n),” I heard a voice gasp through the wooden door.  I inhaled sharply as I realized it was Peter’s voice.  I slowly opened the door to see Peter laying in bed, his hands wrapped around a very erect cock.  

“Peter?” I questioned, causing him to freeze.  He rushed to cover himself as he started to mumble something.  I felt my heart race as I closed the door behind me, the knot in my stomach becoming more intense with every step I took towards him.  “It’s okay,” I said softly as I crawled into his bed.  Peter let out something between a sigh and a growl as I felt his hands wander my body.

“Fuck (y/n),” he muttered as I allowed my hands to wander his body.  He was completely naked which allowed me to trace over his defined abs and warm skin without any barriers.  “You know, you look a lot more mature than eighteen.”

“Really,” I chuckled as my hands wrapped around his cock causing him to inhale deeply.  “You know, I was actually on my way to see your brother.  I couldn’t get my mind off of you, wondering what it would feel like to have your huge cock stretching out my tight little pussy.  I thought maybe Ed could take my mind off of it,”  I leaned in so that my mouth was right by his ear.  “But maybe acting out my fantasies would be the best way to get over them.”  I gently bit down on his earlobe causing him to let out a low moan.  I had started to slowly move my hand up and down his cock, watching with interest at how Peter reacted to my actions.

He closed his eyes, letting his head fall back on his pillow as I quickened my pace.  He let out a low moan, bucking his hips.  After a few minutes, his hand grabbed my wrist, stopping my hand.  “If you want me to fuck you, you’ll have to stop jerking me off before I cum,” he said.  Although he didn’t say it in any particular way, his words turned me on even more as I rubbed my legs together, wanting any kind of friction.  Peter sensed this as he pinned me to the mattress, his face only inches from mine.

His lips crashed with mine, his tongue ripping open my mouth and exploring it while his hands worked on removing my clothes.  We separated for a moment to take off my shirt before our lips were back together.  I helped take off my shorts and underwear, our kiss being broken up into smaller kisses with gasps of air in between.  He pulled away leaving me both breathless and dizzy.  I watched as he lined himself with me before pushing in.  I let out a loud moan causing him to cover my mouth with his hand.  “We don’t want Edmund to walk in on us now do we,” he said, raising an eyebrow.  I shook my head no.  “That’s a good girl,” he said before slowly rolling his hips.  

My back arched in pleasure, my hands gripping the sheets as Peter quickened the pace.  The bedsprings groaned underneath us as Peter slammed into me over and over again.  He fell onto his forearms, panting into my ear as he quickened his pace even more.  I dug my heels into him, pushing him even deeper.  “You’re so fucking tight,” he said in a half moan.  His lips found my neck causing me to gasp.  Peter sucked and bit down along my neck causing my hands to rake down his bare back, the pleasure becoming too much.

“Peter,” I gasped as he bit down on my neck one last time, almost surely leaving a hickey.  If my mind hadn’t been clouded with lust, I would have chastised him for leaving a love mark on my body, something Edmund was sure to notice.  Instead, it caused me to let out a low moan as my orgasm rippled through me.  My eyes were forced closed as my head flew back my body pressed against Peter’s as I held onto him for dear life.  The pleasure became almost unbearable as Peter quickened the pace, his thrusts becoming more sloppy and desperate as he chased his own orgasm.  

He let out a moan as I felt his warm seed spill into me.  “(Y/n),” he moaned as he thrusted into me sporadically as his orgasm started to slow down.  He slowly got off of me, falling to my side before turning to face me.  He pulled me in for a kiss that was much more gentle than the ones we had shared during our moment of passion.  I rested my head on his chest, listening to his heartbeat as I was slowly lulled to sleep.  The one thing that I could think of as I was pulled into my dreams was that I had just fucked my boyfriend’s brother.

[themanicgalaxy]

SPN 7X4 Defending Your Life

I'm making an exception today, because I've figured out QUITE a bit about my own stress response

oh right the monster Dean killed

also to recap: my period has every sign of starting(including cramps) but nothing, I've been horribly nauseous all day, I feel a hunger response when I'm DEFINITELY not hungry(stress eating and it's the only thing that makes the nausea subside) and headache(altho that could be the lack of sleep). Also emotions all over the place(Crying, happy, very on the hat etc)

and the WORST part is I can NEVER tell until I have physical reactions. I can NEVER TELL WHAT MY EMOTIONS ARE WHAT DOES THAT MEAN I THOUGHT I WAS PERFECTLY OK OR NOT FEELING ANYTHING

ooo chase scene

gHOST CAR

ooo good segway into intro

that cut coping mechanism does NOT seem like it's healthy

mONSTER OF THE WEEK

oh COME ON HERE's THE LYING

the visuals are cool

"license to kill"

no come on sam that was a good one.

"dead and sober, dead and crappy" no Dean, please, you need to figure that out

ah yes tortured soul

FL OW ER SH O P

that was suspicious

oh

it's just because she's dead and dead at 10

oh

the CAr

"makes you wonder if the guy who was drunk ran her over" *drinks beer*

O H H H H H HSIDOFAHPAS

GHOST RIDER

at least I know they're nerds, whoever wrote this

is it manifesting their guilty conscience

aw but the dog is so fluffy

*lies down, bounces back up again* lmaooo

Dean is Tired

didn't they DEAL With a ghost car?

it's people that kept going?

DEAN IS RUNNING ON SO MUCH EMPTY AHAHAHA

A H CUZ HE DIDN'T SLEEP BECAUSE THE GIRL HE KILLED

that took me as second

"If I ate apples" DEAN

also they're really doing license plate shots above how Cool the Impala is shots now, lil thing

"you won't even believe me" ahaha

...courtroom?

fUCKING NEAL'S TAVERNNNN

we kind of specialize in crazy ahaaha

"except that's complete crap"

"everyone judges all day long"

He just..takes punishment?

ahahah N O P E GREY AREA

no this is way more watchable

SA M SOUNDS SO TIRED AHAHA

*whispers* "stay put"

he DOES look good though

ok fine just gonna tune out the flirting

they ARE both pretty

is it that guy

the creepy guy in the shadows

how much is in scotch I have no idea

ah the red, what people were clawing

THAT'S NOT HOW OSIRIS WORKS but fine ok let's go

THAT'S NOT

ok fine

"it hones in on people who feel guilty, N OW WHO DOES THAT SOUND LIKE TO YOU" oh boy literally both of them got it that was hilarious

this does seem like he's talking himself into a role

the salt...might not work for osiris

shit she really is pretty

AH RED SAND ok ok yeah I see it ok

a h egyptian shit

ALL YOU NOTICED WERE THE SYMBOLS LMAOOO

THAT DOOR SLIDE WAS SO FUNNY

He's cool though, I like the pagan shit

"Sam, you're not a lawyer" "yes I was pre law" "pre"

"good one" "I saw that on the good wife"

THIS IS HILARIOUS

J O

oh no

the mining itself sucks but this concept is good

took his breathing away?

It reads a bit as excusing them for everything

She backs them up at least?

I miss her

see here's the thing, it kinda reads like they're out of ideas, but like...it's a good concept

ah so the stuff at the beginning was them showing their guilt

I like how he just says "them's the breaks"

yeah like Dean is ever gonna believe he's innocent

"dog food" oh they so desperately wanna say dog shit

"they want to be judged" echoes Dean

SAM IS TALKING COMPLETELY OUT OF HIS ASS

HE'S GETTING HIM OUT OF HIS GUILT COMPLEX OH THANK GOD FINALLY

"that it just...blows"

no one, including Dean, ever questions it, so the grief stews

oh

he does actually have some way with words

Dean please tell the truth

mate I get the impulse but still

dammit

ahaha Temporary but Long Temporary

"make sure it's a sharp piece" lmaoo

man I miss Jo

ah here we go

sam: u h

JOOOO

"you deserve better" on both ends

Dean Eldest Daughter Syndrome

"hunters are never kids, I never was"

he does Internalize things

that's why we kin

90% crap

"i get rid of that what then" "you really wanna die not knowing" HOLY SHIT

HOLYSHIT OH MY GOD OH MYGOD

ah the gas stove

"he's making me do this" oH NO

"just kind of faded...maybe a little bit happier"

hell was Sam's slate? huh

"I kind of feel good, Dean" I am glad he's happy, I don't know if I agree with the message

1. SAMMM. Dean was acting off the shits, so he had to step up and exasperatedly handle everything, and piece stuff together. Like mans is actually quite smart and quite resourceful when he has to be, and it's nice seeing that. It's also fun FINALLY seeing him lighthearted again, even if I don't like how.

2. Dean's guilt complex. Man internalizes a lot of things, and while they BARELY make sense(thin veneer, easily cracked) he hides it enough so that no one asks(and he represses so he certainly doesn't), and he can continue feeling guilty. Now here's the thing. He feels guilty, Sam doesn't, the middle ground is where they should be(taking responsibility) and they like...never do it.

3. monster of the week. No but having monsters switch to grey instead of black and white, and having Dean comment on it is SO good, because he's like...that Masculine Parody/Ideal depending on who's writing him, and like he was written to be the hero. any gray was always overridden by that. But with kripke gone, they start actually doing grey, and there's nothing simple anymore. Like I like with how off the shits it got, they still kept the theme of "it's more grey now" but like kinda for real(where Dean and Osiris said the same thing). ALSO, I think it would be useful as a scale back. I know they'll not do it because EVEN BIGGER DBZ LAZER is fun, but I think having more monsters of the week by choice and not "oh god we have runtime" would be really good, because that's where this storyline SHINES! it's got a lot of characters, a lot of lore, and a lot of issues to pick through, a monster of the week is WAY more effective than a longer story, and would help the scaling back issue.

4. pontificating about the season/why it's easier to watch. Like is this season as good/vibey? probably not really, but honestly I can actually stand watching it. Like it's very cringe in places but also, it doesn't hurt me or make me feel uncomfortable as kripke stuff does. It matches the vibe of "after work/school show" perfectly for what it is.

5. the vibes/Osiris. I like the idea of osiris and going to the bars, and the courtroom and the RED! SAND!! I got that one. But I'd also like to say that Dean saying the SAME thing that osiris said was like...he's not villainized, but I think they're trying to make him slowly grow as a character. It's like sympathy/he sucks kinda/we like him for him a sa character and I think that was really neat.

also barkeep lady pretty holy hell

6. it felt a little bit like excusing tho. Like if Sam is the good one, then it felt like excusing them of the harm they cause people. I want them to change their behavior! not beat themselves up over it or think it's fine cuz he went to hell because of it!

I'm so glad Sam is happy again but N O

7. J O. the "no autonomy, he's making me do this," the being able to see through things(and no longer hungering for something that she doesn't really know) (like...she wants SOMETHING, has it crawling under her skin but doesn't know what, and that's gone when she's dead) and that whole thing where she asked Dean if he wanted to die as a persona. Oh my god.

8. Dean persona. Yeah the whole thing where he had to convince himself to be a womanizer, the "I"m 90% crap line" OH MY GODD THAT HIT. That man is also a persona. maybe a commentary on american masculinity in general, maybe not. Also, eldest daughter syndrome, he internalizes everything and everything is his responsibility("I didn't get a childhood")

I feel like you can also make an argument how trauma makes you the extreme of something(uncaring for smol sam, internalizing for Eldest Dean), and it breaks your ability to do what you need to(empathetically do your fucking job and not be pieces of shit).

I see why this show was so popular amongst mentally ill people(myself included) holy christ

[notasiren21]

To those who want to kill themselves:

I’m not going to sugarcoat this at all. I’ll be gentle at times and then rather aggressive. And for good reason...

Because you deserve to fucking live.

I’m aware there’s blatant bullying, discreet and subtle bullying that makes you question if you’re just being sensitive and taking things too seriously (most of the time you’re not, trust me), neglect, familial issues, and then situational instances that pound into your heart and head consistently.

Believe it or not, but the cliché term of “it does get better” is true, just as long as you yourself is willing to check its validity and try.

I thought of several ways like drowning myself in the bathtub and hoping my fingertips would slip on the rims so I couldn’t pull myself up when my body got weak/ holding a knife to my chest while crying/ contemplating on just taking those three steps into the road when I was supposed to get the mail/ jumping off my balcony/ finishing off my oxycodone pills from a wisdom teeth surgery/ etc.

Maybe I’m a coward or was weak, but I could never follow through with it. Just left with that same bottle lying in a medicine basket somewhere or had a brief puncture mark on my chest that just broke the skin with the tip, whatever.

Crying myself to sleep almost every night because it was too much.

Honestly, I think being a coward and weak was the best thing to happen to me.

I lost a boyfriend from how much my anxiety and suicidal thoughts consumed me and had to tell my parents why I was dumped which led to me seeing their faces when I fessed up and said “I’m not happy, I’m not okay”.

It’s funny because I’ve had a cry for help several times through stuff I’ve written and published on fanfic sites, stuff I’ve given to my teacher to read senior year, literally telling my AP Lit class two years ago I was depressed and thought suicidal shit (only 8 of us in that class and teacher) and being told “it’s just like that sometimes, gotta shake it off”, “don’t let people’s words get to you”, “yea, same” and having a teacher pretend like she heard nothing.

That one time I was brave, and I was waved off.

I know there are times where you finally find your voice for that one split second and then you’re ignored, and you feel yourself rescinding back to mute and distant.

I know you’re plastering a smile on constantly to fool others because you’re afraid what will happen when they find out.

It sucks, doesn’t it?

When you hear so many voices in your head playing that record on repeat of the things you most want to forget. Having those nightmares occur where someone takes the final step to push you to your edge. Seeing the annoyed rolling of eyes or blatant show of disinterest of you.

Nine years of schooling, because after 3rd grade, I was just one of those girls who females decided to hate for breathing or asking a question. So nine years I was trying not to victimize myself in my head and justifying why everyone acted the way they did to me.

Teenage girls and teachers alike made my life hell. The girls never gave me the chance and teachers treated me like I was some lost cause that couldn’t even make it to merit roll and like my work was shit.

“Oh, you sure you can make it into the media production film? I don’t think you’ll be able to make shows like you planned. Maybe try for something else.”

“Your writing is, it’s okay. Try harder next time.”

I struggled with grades in high school and wondered if I’d even graduate.

I made the president’s list my first year of college. Got straight A’s. My English professors loved to leave excited feedback on my essays and were amazed how quickly I could conjure one up and fix my own mistakes before peer review.

My professors talked about me to one another and when I met the new ones, they already knew of me.

My history professor begged me to write a poem for a book he’s writing and publishing near 2021.

My creative writing professor attacked me with an email of compliments over a chapter book of poems I wrote where i took them in the order written so it was me at my worst, to me fooling myself, to me losing and falling back, to me trying for help, to me being the best I’ve ever been. >I also made him cry in a class writing experiment with less than 300 words.

(Idk maybe the bitch is that sensitive but he was chill)

My point is: fucking block out what other people say or do to you. Tell someone you trust you need help and stop kidding yourself.

And please, for the love of god, if it is really that bad then do not make yourself so naive into believing a friend or partner can take the brunt of it all and fix you.

It may work for some time, but if you’re still suffering, they will too and neither of you will win in the end.

I took to therapy and it worked. And I dropped all the toxic shit out of my life and moved on.

I may not use social media besides Tumblr or Discord, but I’m more present in life than I was before and not comparing myself to others anymore.

I dropped friends that made me feel bad and bashed things I liked or would cause issues and I have a peace of mind (as much as one can have one during a pandemic and such).

Get the help. Find ways to receive help if you can’t financially afford it. Find that courage to tell someone you trust that listens to you that you are suffering and need that professional help and to be taken seriously.

I was the first to walk the graduation stage of my 2019 class, and I thought I’d be the first of us to die because I couldn’t move past everything I’ve endured from a large majority of them.

I would’ve missed how positively my life turned around.

I would’ve destroyed my parents, little sister, and brother for being so selfish.

I’m the middle child, the good kid with a career in mind and the mediator of the family. And I’m used to not being the favorite but appreciated one.

My dad confessed to me that I was his favorite and I never want to hear it again.

You never want to hear a man you see as the strongest person you know say that while trying not to cry and keep his voice normal, you don’t want to hear “You were always my favorite” said in such a thick voice it brings tears to your eyes.

Your life matters.

This isn’t Sims where you can move on to the next household member. This isn’t like throwing LEGO R2-D2 off a cliff with that iconic scream only or lose a few coins. This isn’t a fucking game.

And I am so sick of hearing people treat it like some quest you get once in your life:

“You’ll be okay.”

“Cheer up.”

“It’s just a phase.”

Etc.

It’s all fucking bullshit. We live in a world that sugarcoats the severity of someone’s life when it’s presented in front of us while on the precipice of shattering.

You deserve to live. Anyone who tells you otherwise is the one who loses the right to be considered human or a person, not you.

Do not let someone dictate your life’s outcome because they don’t agree with you or like you.

And please, for all that is good in this world, don’t fool yourself into thinking you’re alright when you don’t feel it.

Hang in for one extra day to gather the strength and tell someone you need help.

Everyone acts so ashamed of it but it was the best thing that happened to me after being such a weak coward and now, I’m genuinely happy. And it was a lot of work to get here.

Want to know where all my angst and suffering had gone to? Just ask the characters in the books and fanfic content I’ve written. I’m sure they don’t appreciate it, but those stories wouldn’t exist if I gave up then.

And believe it or not, people will fucking miss you like hell if you killed yourself. It’s just too hard to see it right now and I was blinded before too.

Not everyone has the same opinion of you. Not everyone matters in your life.

You’re living this life singlehandedly by yourself while surrounded by others experiencing the same thing. Don’t let that opportunity go to waste.

And if you need distractions, indulge yourself in the harmless guilty pleasures like I do.

It can get better if you just open yourself to it.

It can get better if you get help.

You really must be so tired, isn’t it time you stopped pretending?

[pochapal]

rank every year of the 2010s from best to worst i want some pochapal lore

[warning for discussion of my fucked up mental health and my myriad traumas. we’re really opening the pandora’s box here gang]

ok time for me to overshare on the internet again! super long post because i can’t shut up and you asked for it. anyway, by objective ranking: 

#1: 2012 - halcyon era, my personal peak. spent the whole year writing hunger games oc fics with my deviantart fanfiction besties whom i still think about all the time and always hope are having the best possible day. if you were here for this era understand i still hold you so closely and dearly in my heart <3. 

#2: 2013 - god i was such a good example of a human being back then. was the year my writing like actually took off and i had a healthy balance between creative stuff and a social life (said social life consisting of spending lunchtimes at school breaking into classrooms and discussing fandom shit with five other people. reading homestuck updates in the music room on one person’s really shaky mobile data...legendary). highlight of the year and maybe my life was in the april of 2013 when i got out of failing to submit a hard deadline essay by telling my english teacher i wrote a whole novel over the two week break and then producing said novel. god i wish i had that level of like. fucking confidence back me back then knew what i wanted and how to get it. 

#3: 2010 - the last year of childhood. i was 12 and played pokemon all the time with my friends and went places and had a moderately successful youtube channel and it didn’t matter that i was bullied so badly at school because i was basically high off life. summer of 2010 was so good specifically. i’d used to get the bus with a friend and go see movies and break into historical sites and get into normal childhood mayhem and maxed out my pokewalkers twice a month and i was buzzed because i had two (2) whole friendship groups to choose from and that was such a huge deal to me the terminal social outcast. it was so simple and carefree and even though everything and everyone involved in this era grew up to suck except for one specific person i kinda really miss it.

#4: 2018 - this was the first year i wasn’t depressed to the point of nonfunctioning. it was 20gayteen, i was on antidepressants, i was as close to thriving as i got at uni (going into town with people once a week, attending art and culture events, getting good grades across the board), i started to write for fun again, i got my cat whom i love dearly, i was exhibited in my uni’s city’s literature festival, GOD i actually nearly attended a pride event that year can you imagine. this year was basically my life’s second peak. miss getting the 8am train and daintily sipping on a cherry coke to keep me from passing out. wish this time could have lasted longer.

#5: 2019 - kinda absolute middle of the road year not for lack of anything happening but because the overwhelming amount of good and bad things cancelled each other out. so like there’s the fact that i was at the top of my uni game this year, was basically making the first steps into a professional writing career (covid i will never forgive you for killing all that dead </3), finally saved up enough to buy myself a gaming pc, and the summer after the homestuck epilogues, but equally 2019 was the start of the Pochapal Gender Fiasco which is by far the most horrible thing i am still currently undergoing and i burnt myself out mentally about halfway through the year (being stuck overnight in a hospital for a panic attack absolutely horrible horrible irredeemable) and then got like super death plague flu that i was sick with for three months (literally recovered less than a month before rona hit. god’s cruel karma.). so like...it kind of averaged out? the good shit was good but not as great as other years and the bad shit was awful but nowhere near as terrible as it could have been. gotta give a shoutout to 90% of my current mutual cohort for following me in 2019...omelette route gang make some noise !!

#6: 2014 - oof. this year essentially marked the start of a four year long downward mental health spiral because everything fell into awful alignment. i’d just turned 16, finished secondary school, had all my friends up and ditch me at once, was home alone for a whole summer, and was hit with Sudden Intense Body Image Issues that i couldn’t explain until uh. after very recent developments lmao. this one goes out to the me of july 2014 who did nothing but lay in bed and listen to the same two marina albums on a loop because fuck i’m attracted to men and also my facial and body hair are really starting to come in and if i think about this for too long i will literally kill myself because oh god i can’t handle getting older which is clearly and definitely the issue going on here. my brain fucking broke super hardcore and it’s a miracle that an overeating disorder was like the worst thing i walked away with. 

#7: 2015 - downward spiral year two!! i was so volatile this year it was such a mess. i was totally socially isolated after a brief stint of falling in with a group of people at the start of my first year of sixth form until january where in quick succession a) it turned out every single one of these people was friends with the person who sexually assaulted me whom i obviously had a lot of complicated feelings towards and b) baby’s first crush came out as bisexual but in the “women and also trans women” kind of way which tore me up so terribly in ways i couldn’t begin to understand. no words for the experience of seeing a girl kiss a boy and crying so hard at night you threw up because you could never be her no matter how much you wanted it. actually kinda get the sense what was going on there was bigger than just some crush lmao. then after that i was so mentally ill i basically attended school less than half the time and it was the only year in my life i failed my exams. i ended up having to resit my entire set of first year a level exams because jesus christ was i in such a bad way it was a miracle i even showed up to them. all i did was either have anxiety attacks or enter bedbound depressive slumps for weeks at a time. but it’s okay because it gets worse.

#8: 2016 - downward spiral act iii: the spiralling. prefacing this by saying that i actually had two whole good months (april - may) in that i was functioning enough to do my exams and finish school with decent grades. the rest was super extra mega terrible. my school attendance for year 13 dipped below 65% and literally the only thing that kept me from being kicked out was the fact that i was naturally smart at the subjects i took and also because the school would have a lot to answer for after letting me get to that state despite having a hefty file on how damaged i was. keep in mind every single part of this was fully untreated btw - i was just floundering around and letting it all fester. i spent three solid weeks going to school but locking myself in the bathroom all day every day and having mental health episodes then going home like nothing else happened only to continue the breakdown that night. then things got kicked into fucked up overdrive when i moved out to uni and was cut off from what little support structures i did have. it was so bad all i did was cry all the time and never went anywhere to the point where three separate sources recommended me to the wellbeing and crisis counselling service that i stopped going to after two sessions because i was fucked up in ways cbt techniques could not even touch. at least i tried to make an effort for the first two months of uni which like. good for me?

#9: 2017 - what lieth at the base of the spiral. helltrench year. i was at literal rock bottom. i stopped going to class, i didn’t hand in a single piece of work. i lied to my parents and would book trains each day only to go back to my student flat and sit there and contemplate suicide. like i would just slump on the floor in a catatonic state and vividly contemplate one of four or so ways i could end my own life. i only didn’t because i wanted to wait until the summer to collect my last student loan and transfer it to my parents as an apology for my death which obviously didn’t end up happening. honestly i can’t remember much of the first half of 2017 that’s how bad it was. i remember taking a gender studies class and the teacher made it Weird that i was the Only Male Student in the room and then she sent me a scolding email after i walked out halfway through a class and never returned. apparently i got into a lot of online discourse in this year but i don’t remember anything other than being put on a blocklist by the milkfic author over ace discourse which is funny if you have the context. mostly i just baited terfs and weirdo freaks to get them to say horrible things to me as what i guess amounts to some kind of digital self harm. anyway breaking point came in late august when i got kicked out of university and then nobody could ignore it any more so there was no choice left but for me to seek out help and recover enough to function which luckily i did. i really Do Not remember 2017. you could tell me anything about that year and i’d probably believe you.

#10: 2011 - extra circle of hell for this little fucked up gem of a year. on the surface it wasn’t actually that terrible, until the Summer 2011 Domino Effect Of Bad Shit. up until like may/june it was a pretty all right year! i was 13 and had a surprisingly successful youtube channel uploading pokemon soundfont remixes to an audience of i think ~350-400 subscribers at my peak? anyway then i got hit with the early summer triple combo of childhood friends moving away, cute and quirky sexual assault at the hands of a person in my friend group, and then having some Really Great and Super Appropriate interactions with adults on deviantart. like obviously there’s the actual ptsd-inducing event which totally disrupted and killed the person i was right up until that moment and reshaped every facet of my life for better or worse (there’s an alternate timeline where that didn’t happen and i got into electronic music and/or coding instead) but really it’s the events that followed in its wake which were kind of more fucked up. so like all of a sudden i was super aware of my body and me growing my hair out and being mistaken for a girl in class suddenly became this Less Innocent thing and i ended up spending hours overnight going to transgender questioning forums and looking up hrt timeline videos and having the wikipedia article on tracheal shaving saved because it was a life raft to me whose voice was imminently gonna deepen and i was simultaneously reeling with constant trauma flashbacks and the whole thing was so so fucked up. then i was on deviantart and i don’t remember exactly how but a small group of furry guys ten to fifteen years older than me started messaging me and encouraging and requesting me to produce nonsexual fetish stuff for them and talking to me about stuff like if i’d ever thought about growing up to be gay and i didn’t think anything of it for a long while because they called me a very talented writer and it felt so good to have someone be nice to me after being so alone and isolated for months on end. anyway the only reason i got out of that before it got bad was because they invited me to one of the big furry sites and i was weirded out because i thought it was a porn site and thinking about sexual stuff was a huge trauma trigger so i just ended up blocking them all and pretending like it didn’t happen. at the time half this shit didn’t bother me but in retrospect holy fuck 2011 was such a damaging year. to think if like three events didn’t happen i wouldn’t be the fucked up mess you see before you today.

god fuck this turned out super long but i’m not apologising because this was a therapeutic exercise for me and also constitutes as one of the biggest pochapal lore dumps of all time. come get your food or whatever.

[m00nslippers]

What do you think about Accidental movie star! Jason? He's shopping for groceries one day when someone walks up to him and goes "You fit the description of my character perfectly. Please audition for a movie I'm directing." Jason is skeptical, but acting is a passion he has missed so he gives it a try. The movie turns out to be a hit and now all the directors want Jason in their movies

Lol, I like it. He’s just shoppin’ for groceries, minding his own business when he sees a mugger steal a lady’s purse and Jason just leaps into action, doing parkour and shit, just crazy, highly-skilled stuff and punches the guy out and gives the lady her purse back, all without even thinking and delivers a scathing, angry lecture at the robber, like sometimes you’ve gotta steal, he gets it, but you don’t steal from old ladies who can barely afford their medications, in broad daylight, and knock kids into the street to get hit by cars when you run away!

A director of a big action movie, what there when this all went down and he’s just so impressed, so captivated by the guy, he has just great, emotional expressions and voice, these movie-star handsome looks, the height, the body, the physical skills, it’s everything he’s been looking for in this character. Can he act? Who knows, but his looks and abilities are already so appealing that if the guy couldn’t act for shit the movie would probably still sell well just on his looks and the action alone. It’s not like action movies usually need a lot of depth anyway. It’s worth a shot right?

So he goes to Jason and explains himself and gives him a card and a time to show up to audition with the casting director. He asks, do you have any experience acting? Jason’s thinking of all the undercover work he’s had to do over the years and the little bit of drama club he had in middle school and says, a little. Jason is just…really confused by the whole situation. The Red Hood, in a movie? Ridiculous. Sure no one knows he’s the Red Hood, but still. He accepts the card and everything but he doesn’t think he’s going to show up…until he tells the story to Roy so they can laugh about it, but Roy is like, “No, you should do it! You’d be so good, Jaybird!” But Jason is just like nah nah, I ain’t gonna embarrass myself, but Roy is serious.

So then Roy enlists Dick and suddenly everyone Jason knows is demanding he show up for this goddamn audition. Cass is saying how he’s always doing all the voices when reading to her and it’s so good, and Alfred as talking about how Jason would read Shakespeare opposite him in the evenings and how he’s always trying to get him to do community theater, Tim’s got a bunch of recordings from their undercover work where he embarassed a bunch of evil scientists by making them looks stupid and it doesn’t prove anything but it is funny to watch them because everyone fully believes Jason is some super-evil taskmaster sent by their boss to get results, Bruce is trying to break out the recording he made of Jason’s middle school play…and finally Jason is just like, “Fine, I’ll go! They’re just going to tell me it was all a joke and to never darken their door again but if you need an opportunity to laugh at me, whatever, I’ll appease you assholes.”

So he shows up to the think, and like he thought the casting director isn’t keen on some rando with no credentials showing up to audition but the director is there too and is super enthusiastic so maybe it was a joke on the casting lady instead of on Jason. But they give him a script and have Jason read opposite some lady who is apparently a famous hot actress but he doesn’t pay attention to that stuff so he doesn’t really recognize her. So they start to do the reading, where the love interest is trying to make the hero leave his life of running-and gunning behind to live happily ever after with her and the hero gives her some bullshit like, “This is what I am, I’m no good for that life, I’m just an empty shell, blah blah blah.” The typical poor attempts to put some emotional stakes and depth into a movie that’s just a vehicle for stunts, so no one is expecting much but–

Jason just kills it. Like, holy shit. he can do angry, he can do heartfelt and hesitant and torn and determined and the full emotional range. He’s not stilted or putting on some fake tough guy exterior, he just completely sells both the pent up rage of a hollow man left with nothing but violence, but also the man who wishes he could have had another softer, happy life, who really loves someone. They casting director is floored, she’s trying to hire him immediately and the director is looking so smug, and the actress is looking him up and down with interest like already planning the headlines where it’s revealed he’s her newest fling. And Jason is just thinking, that was pretty fun but I doubt this will amount to much, but to his surprise he’s already getting a contract shoved down his throat and they’re trying to push him into signing on for a movie and two sequels if the first one does well and he’s so overwhelmed. This isn’t really happening, is it?

He sits on the contracts a bit and is trying to think of an excuse to turn down a few million dollars that won’t sound completely insane but int he end Steph goes over to his apartment everyday to bug the shit out of him, like, “Oh my God, Jason, I would know A MOVIE STAR! Don’t you know it’s my dream to drive the paparazzi insane by cheekily photo-bombing all of their pics with really stupid stunts and peace signs?” and he points out she already does that with the paps around Tim and Cass and she’s like, “IT’S NOT ENOUGH I NEED MORE.” So he ends up signing the contracts and wondering what he got himself into.

Filming goes well, he does most of his own stunts, makes friends with most of the stunt people and a few of the actors, the lead actress keeps trying to get into his pants but he’s not interested in being front page news (little does he know he’ll make it anyway). Filming completes, he goes home, thinks well that was an experience, and doesn’t worry about it much until he shows up on the red carpet for the release. It’s not a film that’s going to win any Oscars but it’s expected to make some money. He takes Roy as his ‘date’ because he loves stupid action movies and at the scene where he’s pouring his heart out to the love interest Roy straight up cries and a few other people in the theater do too, which baffles Jason. At the end of the film there’s a standing ovation and the director is trying to show Jason off like he’s the star and people are saying it’s going to be a summer blockbuster sleeper hit and Jason is going to be the next big star, like Matt Damon or something, he can do action and acting, but this is pretty standard for movie premiers Jason figures, so he doesn’t take any of the praise to heart, he’s just like, that was an experience I guess.

And then the movie hits theaters. It’s 93% fresh on Rotten Tomatoes. Critics like it too and say it’s got great action with a hot new star who somehow manages to put real emotion into tired tropes and how they unexpectedly cried in this film that everyone wrote off as a stunt vehicle with guns and car explosions and gang/mob violence. And people start taking pictures of him and glomping him in the streets and he’s doing the press junket on freaking Ellen and the Late Show with the actress and she still keeps trying to get him to date her although now she’s wondering if he’s gay with Roy because he took the guy to the premier with him instead of family or a girlfriend. And people are already talking about a trilogy for the sequels and now the movie is blowing up in China and some other director is trying to sign him for a drama Oscar-bait role that would usually star someone like Ryan Gosling and he’s just like…how did this happen?

[afangirlwashere]

Wrong door (Louis x reader)

(gif is not mine all credit goes to the creator)

A/N: so.......I’m gonna keep this short and quick......after what the fuck happened to my sweet sweet boy in this episode I just really really needed some Louis in my life ‘kay? This was sitting in my drafts since episode 2 and I forgot how good of a boy he was. I still can’t fucking believe what the actual fuck fuck happened what the fu-anyways.. If any of you have any burning ideas my requests are open so....y’know what to do...I’m sad and angry and need to go to bed so I hope you enjoy...peace.....✌️

Warnings: just some swearing, don’t worry about spoilers there ain’t any for ep. 3

Summary: Soup sucks as much as changes nobody told you about. 

(while reading I suggest you listen to this song bc it’s a bop and it nicely flows with the fic)

Soup.  Soup all the time. It was definitely better than starving but ugh.. Fuck that soup! 

(Y/N) would KILL for some fruit.  ‘Apple... Or a banana... Oh my god... Watermelon!’

“What ya’ thinking about?” Ruby asks.

“Watermelon...” (Y/N) blurts out.

Everybody at the table grunts in unison. 

“Goddamnit (Y/N)! Why do you always do this? Now I want it so bad I’d shave my head for it!” Louis bangs his head on the picnic table.

“No, you wouldn’t.” Violet says unfazed while putting another spoon of the tasteless soup in her mouth.

“Yeah, you’re right... But I’d shave your head for a piece.” Louis points at her with his spoon while smiling charmingly.

Violet has just about enough energy to roll her eyes at him.

“Or an orange... orange juice...” (Y/N) dreamily looks ahead of her.

“Somebody shut her up or I’m gonna leave this table!” Louis covers his ears.

“Please continue (Y/N).” Vi turns to her and sneers. 

“Strawberries...” she can feel the drools almost slipping her mouth.

“You’re killing me!” Louis is jokingly overdramatic as usual.

It gets annoying from time to time but at least it’s entertaining. Not a lot of fun stuff happening around here anymore.

He was the fun one of the group.  Definitely.

“Alright, I had enough!” Aasim angrily stomps to their table. 

(Y/N) didn’t notice him walking towards them because of her fruit fantasies. 

He throws a bunch of letters in front of them. 

“Whoever is doing this it’s time to stop!” he seems to be getting more and more furious each second he has to stand there “You guys already make fun of me all the fucking time especially you Louis! So if this is one of your stupid jokes-”

“Hold up, hold up... Why the fuck do you have these?!” Louis stands up.

“So they are from you!” Aasim furrows his eyebrows.

“I’ll repeat myself one more time. Why the fuck do you have these?!” Louis snarls.

That’s a whole new side of him. He never seemed to get too angry about... anything. Thinking about it (Y/N) has never seen him in a real fight with anyone yet. Well not in a fight that wasn’t supposed to be a joke.  He was kinda scary in this state. 

“Because you keep fucking shoving them under my door!” 

“No, I don’t! Your room is upstairs!” Louis defends himself.

“What is going on?” Ruby whispers to the others.

“I’m not sure, but I’m intrigued.” Tenn’s big eyes keep moving from one boy to the other. 

(Y/N) shrugs “I don’t know... I just wanted some fruit.” 

“No, it’s not! My room is eight doors before yours! I switched my old one with (Y/N)’s because she kept knocking on my door every night to climb on the rooftop and then left through my room again! It got annoying and I couldn’t sleep so I offered her to switch!” the vein on Aasim’s forehead kept on getting bigger and bigger. 

Louis stared at Aasim in shock.

If Louis wasn’t in the middle of that conflict (Y/N) could just hear him saying “Careful! If that vein pops we’re gonna have a problem.” 

“So I was... I-I was giving the letters... The whole time! To you?” 

“YES!” Aasim picks them all up again and throws them at Louis’s head and storms off to the school building. 

Louis runs after him right away “Aasim! Wait! Come on dude I wasn’t making fun of you let me explain!” 

The rest of the kids at the table exchange confused looks. 

When the wind picks up all letters start to scatter around.

“We should catch ‘em. Don’t want them floating around.” Ruby picks up two letters that still haven’t left the table. 

Tenn - being the smallest one - crawls under the table to catch another one.

(Y/N) has to chase one for a bit till it gets stuck in a bush. Violet hands her the rest of them. She notices (Y/N)’s confused stare “They were obviously meant for you. I hope you realize that... He thought he was sliding them in your room the whole time.” 

(Y/N) sets her gaze on the letters.

There were little doodles on every envelope. Stars, hearts, snowflakes, cartoony looking walkers, heads of dogs and cats, little bees, butterflies,   pressed old looking flower, all that cute stuff. 

“But why the hell would he-” (Y/N) stops talking the moment Violet’s expression changes into ‘Are you fucking kidding me?’  

“Do I really have to explain this to you as well? Louis would flirt with anything that has two legs. I thought you weren’t that oblivious... It’s obvious he likes you.” Vi keeps an unbothered stare.

“I picked up on that I’m not that dumb. But why wouldn’t he just... tell me? He is a very verbal guy after all.” (Y/N) shrugs.

Violet looks a lot less unbothered while rubbing her eyes now “Because he’s one of those ‘helpless romantics’, I don’t know! He’s an idiot! An extra idiot! He probably has like fifty songs prepared for you. I think he wanted you to feel special or something like that... I don’t know how boys think!” 

“Yeah, you might have a point...” (Y/N) thinks out loud “There was this one time I wanted Ruby to braid my hair but she didn’t have time so Louis offered he’d do it.” 

Violet looks startled “He knows how to braid hair?” 

“He doesn’t.” (Y/N) chuckles “Well he didn’t know at the time but I taught him. It took some time but he really liked it so I taught him a fish braid and dutch braid and... looking back at it now I don’t think he was that interested in braiding my hair.” 

“He just wanted to spend time with you... I mean he does pick you for everything. Patrols? Hunts?”

“I’m gonna go talk to him.” (Y/N) clutches the letters with more force. 

“Hey!” Vi shouts right after her “Just... Whatever you do, don’t hurt him too much alright?” 

Louis sat at an old school desk. There was still one room left mostly untouched by the disasters of the apocalypse. 

The downstairs classroom which was meant for classes like history, geography, and biology.  They took most of the maps off the walls because they were useful but some of them still stayed up. 

The chalkboard was filled with drawings. They dedicated this one to the kids so they could have fun with it. There were other chalkboards in other rooms which they used for plans or rules.  Until they got out of chalk. 

Still, it was nice to see one part of the school stay the same. 

Louis remembered the boring biology classes he spent sending secret messages with Marlon or drawing funny pictures of Miss. Gonzales - their teacher. Oh, how he wishes he paid more attention in that class. 

“Can we talk?” 

Louis dreaded this moment ever since he slipped that first letter under the door. Which kind of backfired at him with that whole Aasim thing but... He’ll be angry about it for a while and eventually, he’ll forget.  Aasim is not very good at holding grudges. 

“You know, I found those envelopes and papers here... And then I got that stupid idea to write letters. I’m gonna go dig a grave before I fully process how much I fucked up this time.” his foot is nervously tapping on the floor. 

“Oh come on it wasn’t that bad. Could have been worse I think. You could have been accidentally sending them to Violet.” (Y/N) sits down in the school desk that’s next to him.

“Nope, that wouldn’t have happened. I would slide that piece of paper under her door and before I could straighten my back she’d open the door and throw the envelope on my head just like Aasim did.” Louis weakly smiles.

(Y/N) has the same smile on her face. 

“Listen, Louis,” she starts “I picked up on your little crush on me.”

“Little? It’s huge! It overgrew me in a few weeks! I couldn’t even look at you when I was talking to you! Felt like my face was on fire every time!” 

(Y/N) looks at him startled “Well... Okay... I-I just wanted to tell you that I’m not freaked out by this. I don’t think you’re weird or anything.” she put the letters on the table in front of him “Here... I haven’t read any of them. If you don’t want me to read them I won’t. You can keep them and do whatever you want with them. Burn them, bury them, keep them, I don’t know. But I’ll let you decide.” 

Louis looks at her with big dark eyes “You... You don’t want them?”

“No! It’s not like that!” (Y/N) panicks “I just thought maybe you wish you could take it all back and getting rid of them without me ever seeing what you wrote could help you.” 

He looks at her with furrowed brows “I want you to keep them. Don’t read them now though that would be... weird. If anything happens to me I want you to have them so that, you know, you’ll have something left from me.” 

“Nothing is going to happen to you, Louis. I’m not losing you. You’re going to be safe and sound here with us. At home.” 

The older boy studies her face for a good second “If I wasn’t so sure you didn’t feel the same way about me like I feel about you I’d say you like me too little (Y/N).” he smirks. 

She takes a shaky breath “Never said I didn’t.” 

His response is just like she presumed.  Shocked. His stare is a bit uncomfortable but what else could he do?

“I was just waiting for you to y’know... Say something. I’m not the most confident in these ‘romantic’ things I’m sure you’re aware of that. But you seem to shine in those things so I thought... you would do something.” (Y/N) feels the need to explain her point of view.

“I just-I never thought you-I mean you always-you always seemed to not care. I thought you didn’t think about me the same way I do about you.”

“I mean, yeah you’re kinda annoying. I don’t really get how you can just blurt out stuff without caring plus your jokes can be a little insensitive at times and you named your weapon Chairless which I still think is the most childish thing you ever did but... I guess it’s all part of the reasons why I like you so much. You’re different.” (Y/N) smiles at him. 

“That was the nicest thing anyone has said about me.” Louis stands up while fixing the collar on his jacket. 

“Well, you are a nice person.” the girl stands up as well “No doubt about that.” 

They stand facing each other for a few seconds and then Louis speaks again.

“Tomorrow. After lunch. Come to the piano room.” his voice is back at his confidently relaxed tone which makes (Y/N) happier than she thought it would.

“Like a date?” she asks out of curiosity. 

“Like a date.” he nods and walks past her brushing his shoulder against hers on purpose. 

(Y/N) grins widely and turns around “I’ll be there. And you better play me a song that you’ve written about me.” 

Louis looks back over his shoulder “Oh don’t worry. I got a lot of those up in my sleeves.” he winks at her and finally leaves.

(Y/N)’s stomach did that weird thing again that it did when she first met Louis. If she remembered correctly Minnie always said that those were “butterflies in your stomach” and somehow...? It perfectly described the feeling. 

[whats-the-story-tc]

9th of December, 2019

"The One with the Banter and the Charmeur"

[LONG POST WARNING]

After all that went down on Friday, I was so relieved when I saw her talking to another teacher on my way to my locker in the morning. If my heart could speak, it would probably have said "Hello!! You're here!! You're fine!!" in that moment.

I wasn't feeling very well during my first lesson, and the only thing that kept me from asking to go home was the thought that I didn't want to miss V's class. I powered through 2 other lessons, got better in the process as I suspected I would, and, before I noticed it, I was getting my stuff out for double English.

When asked by the boys in the back whether she was feeling better, she dodged the answer by looking through a classmate's notebook to see where we left off. Maybe she didn't hear it, you say. But if she hears all my quiet remarks and puns AND responds to them, surely she heard a question asked out loud. But anyway. My attention soon drifted to the hairtie on her wrist. This is not the first time I see her carrying one by far, but the fact that I've never once seen her yet with her hair tied is honestly homophobic. Though maybe it's for the better. God knows what it would do to me.

She mentioned she left our tests (which, it turns out, I really did ace) in her bag, but when I offered to fetch it, she turned it down with an awkward "Don't go through my bag." And, as it turns out, Boy in the Back #1 didn't even hand his test in. They (him and V) had this little exchange about it, during which she gave him this very smug grin of not buying his bullshit.

Today's topic was one specific poet from around here, who wasn't very successful in his life, and only became known after a more famous poet picked up his works and promoted him after his death. This bloke maxed out all 3 main literary genres: prose, poetry and drama. As we spoke about his dramas, V told us he wrote a couple of dramas meant specifically for students to perform in schools. Why is that relevant? I'll tell you.

The girl sitting next to me told V that she took part in one of these in her old school, at which V smiled and responded by saying "The lady sitting beside you has tried that kind of stuff herself". I was scribbling notes into my Merchant of Venice script at the moment, but when I heard her call me a lady (!!), and bring up something I thought she didn't even remember anymore, my head snapped up so fast I nearly got a whiplash. Lady. She'd never called me lady before. I couldn't scrape the grin off my face if I tried.

Mr. Poetry Man also wrote a prosaic historical piece that got lost. The name of this lost work already references that the person it was about was from the Middle Ages part of history, yet when V spoke about this, I asked "Really?" cause it was kind of obvious. She gave me this tired look with her head tilted to the side and said just said "Yes." She wasn't having any of my shit. (Sorry I'm walking on eggshells with the names here, I just don't want to give away where I'm from.)

Second lesson. Another teacher is sat at ths back for a "lesson visit". Though I have no idea why the headmaster chose her. She probably knows fuck all about English. But anyway. V was just a little tense during the lesson, but not in the obvious "oh shit I'm being supervised" kinda way, but rather the "there's someone here who shouldn't be" kinda way. V opens with the question: "What is an ode like?" "It has a subject" I say, because that's honestly all I remember. "Everything has a subject." V tells me with this 'thanks Captain Obvious' face. It's quite a bit awkward, but I'm used to it.

The poem we spoke about now is one that we'll have to recite for a grade later, preferably before the holidays. It's only 3 verses, but I'm not gonna make it through without being nervous. It's a goddamn love poem, about a request that is never actually said, only implied. First verse? Love confession. Second verse? Compliments. Third? The implied request, for the subject to "be the medicine to his wounds". I'm gonna die. But at least someone comparing the 3 verses to that goldfish with the 3 wishes inspired a funny line from V, who said: "Goldfish? God knows what he [the poet] would wish for..." I don't think you need me to explain what she meant by that...

After class, I rushed to her with my script so we could finally talk about it, and she immediately asked me if I wrote all of that. I explained her what the situation was, as she looked through the pages with outmost curiosity and concentration. I got a little nervous when I saw her actually starting to read the little notes I took, but it instantly became funny when she actually tapped on her forehead with 3 fingers, something that I wrote down! Then, once again in a tone like I was her friend, she explained to me how surprised she was that in some places, they show 3 on their fingers with the middle 3 fingers, whereas we do it with thumb, index and middle. Let me tell you, she was adorable.

I showed her the bits of dialogue I wrote myself, and told her that I haven't slept in a week to do this. And... I'm still not over what she did next. This absolute unit of a woman steps to me, strokes my back (!!), gives me this really proud smile (!!!), and tells me "It will surely be worth it." As soon as we both walked away, I nearly started crying, and buried my face into my scarf. I was so happy I went on to hug all my friends because I simply had to get it out. That's the power V holds.

Speaking of power - later in the changing rooms before P.E., me and my lesbian friend discussed V, and a third girl (one of our classmates who was with us) chimed in that "I'm not gay, but even I admit that V is hot." I guess there are some charms that are simply irresistable.

~ "Lady" S ♡

[Every story I share here, no matter how specific I get with my wording, depicts actual events from my own life.]

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #231

too lazy to even think of song lyrics to put, just have this

Do bridges make you nervous? Somewhat. Are there any movies that you find so dumb, you find funny? Aha, Napoleon Dynamite. Do you have any older siblings? Four + one I don't know. How often do you vacation? Pretty much never. Are you currently having any cellular problems? My phone is ACTUAL horse shit. Have you ever tried to meet up with someone from online? With Sara, multiple times now. :') It'd be fantastic if when I go to South Africa I can meet Shaylee when I visit to the KMP, and my other friend Alyssa knows how badly I wanna meet Mark, so she insists on me going with her one day if he ever goes back to PAX East. I'd love to meet Connie, too. If you could have any car right now, what would you want exactly? Eh, I don't know car types. Something medium/smallish (I don't want very small for safety reasons) that's either burnt orange or red and just pretty and sleek. Do you think it’s cruel to leave a live fish to die in an ice box? Um???????? YEAH????????????????? Have you ever done anything sexual with someone of the same sex? Yeah. Do you collect issues of a certain magazine? No. Have you ever pawned anything off at a pawn shop? Nah. Do you have stomach abs? Ha, I wish. Do you know anyone who is trying to physically impersonate a celebrity? No, but oh my god, so my friend Leon, right? He looks UNCANNILY like Leon Kennedy (WEIRD name coincidence????) from the Resident Evil series so much that he dressed as him one day. The resemblance is fucking unbelievable, especially when his hair was longer in the front. Do you have the Bakery Story app? Haven't heard of it. Do you watch Sister Wives? Haven't heard of that, either. How do you feel about polygamy? It's definitely not for me, but if it's KNOWINGLY between a consenting, happy group of people, you do you, man. Just hardcore practice safe sex. Have you ever seen a shuttle launch? No. What would your parents say is the worst thing you’ve ever done? I haven't got a clue. I'd assume Mom would probably say me texting her "fuck you" even though she deserved it. Dad, probably the letter I wrote him after the divorce. Are we having signs of the apocalypse? I don't even remember the Biblical signs besides like, swarms of locusts and humanity's focus shifting to materialism. I say rather we're having actually scientific signs of a mass extinction coming in the next few centuries, probably, or sooner. Historically, we're extremely overdue for one, anyway. Global warming, the ozone, overpopulation, pollution... you know, all that jazz. We're killing the earth. Would you rather see The Blue Man Group or Fear Factor live? Blue Man Group. Do you have any vintage clothing? Man, I wish. Are you glad to accept any certain person’s hand-me-downs? "As long as it fits and it’s like, clean, I guess?" <<<< This. Have you ever bought anything at Rue 21? Yeah, I like that store. The graphic tees section, at least. What color of colored contacts would you like to have? Like, purple or something. NO, cyan. Gimme a Manson feel. What’s on your bed? Me, Teddy, Roman, my laptop and mouse, my pillows, sheets, blanket, phone... Your floor besides furniture? My bookbag and purse. Wires. Shoes. Your dresser? My meerkat collection, along with some other plushies. The top shelf in your closet? I have no clue. Are there any dead stuffed animals in your house? Uh, you mean taxidermy? No. I am viciously against hunting "trophies." HOWEVER, I'm deeply into vulture culture and have mixed feelings about making art of NATURALLY deceased wildlife... A part of me says that's disrespectful, and then the other says it's very honoring and respectful, to immortalize an animal's beauty as art after experiencing a good life. It's something I semi-want to get into, but again, I'm torn on my thoughts about it. Do you know anyone who goes fishing, but doesn’t like fish? Do you mean like, eating fish? I'll fish with Dad if he invites me (I otherwise stopped as I don't support it if not necessary for food, but this has always been my and Dad's "thing"), but I hate fish as food. If you mean they don't enjoy fish as animals, I don't think so. What’s the best prize you’ve won on an amusement park/carnival game? I don't have a clue. Have you ever done anything sexual in a school? No, besides simple kisses. Have you ever been indoor skydiving? No. Would you have any interest in going on a cruise? No. Being out in the ocean scares me. Have you ever been to a Chinatown in any of the cities you’ve been to? No. How old was the oldest person you’ve dated? Maybe like, five years older. Do you know anyone who has their own podcast? No. Have you ever been to couple’s counseling? No. How many children do you want, and how did you decide on this number? None. I decided because 1.) I would be a terrible mother, 2.) I'm not putting anyone's well-being above my own ever again, 3.) I'm not dedicating the remainder of my life trying to raise someone who might end up not even caring about me, and 4.) they're fuckin expensive and I've been poor my whole life and will do almost anything to keep my bills and expenses in general as low as possible. Where did your last kiss take place? The airport. Did you often read for fun when you were a kid? Oh, definitely. I loved reading. ^ What were some of your favorite books? Little-little kid books included Stellaluna, What Makes a Rainbow?, The Very Hungry Caterpillar, The Rainbow Fish, 10 Minutes 'Til Bedtime... a lot. As like an elementary student, I was really into the Magic Tree House and Hank the Cowdog series. Then in middle school, Warriors dominated my bookshelf. Are you more of a visual learner or an auditory learner? Visual. Do you have any dietary restrictions? No. Do you prefer Google Maps, Apple Maps, Waze, or something else? I've never used any. What is your favorite coffee brand? N/A What is your favorite tea brand? N/A Have you ever worn false eyelashes? No. I probably only will for maybe my wedding. How old does someone have to be for you to see them as an adult? 21 I guess. Do you ever ‘manspread’ when you sit down? Uh. I actually don't know. I don't pay attention. Which of your good habits has made the biggest positive difference in your life? Coming to understand I have to put myself first, probably. Or learning how to talk to myself gently. Have you ever dated someone who was very lazy? No. Have you ever turned down a job offer? No. Have you ever been fired from a job? No. I always quit too early for that, really. Do you overuse smileys? I don't think so. At least not anywhere near how I did as a pre-teen in the "LOL rANdoM!!!!!! XD" phase. Who is better; Madonna or Blondie? Idk. Who is better; Elton John or Billy Joel? BILLY!!!!!!! Name three website you visit every day: YouTube, Kalahari Manor, and deviantART. Have you seen all of the Jaws movies? Tyler and I watched the first one. I don't remember what I thought about it, really. Have you ever worn black eyeliner? "Yeah. That’s the only kind I wear." <<<< This. Have you ever worn blue mascara? No. That'd look weird on me. Hm, or maybe not. Maybe it'd bring out my blue eyes. Ever spiked your hair? No. How long have you had a computer? I don't have a clue. Have you ever written something, and published it on the internet? Well yeah? When was the last time you played cards? (not on the computer) Hell, forever ago when I was at Colleen's with Girt and we played CAH. Can you play chess? Nope. When was the last time you read a book over 700 pages long? Shit man, no clue. I don't know if I ever have. Have you ever drank cherry Coke? GOOD STUFF Do you prefer using pens or pencils? Pencils, considering you can erase. I avoid using pens if I can. Have you ever skipped for a long distance? Maybe as a little kid? Are you excited for the holidays? Halloween was disappointing, as I did absolutely zip. I honestly don't care about Thanksgiving. We always just go have dinner with Ashley's bigot in-laws. I'm VERY hyped for Christmas 'cuz I'm probably gonna be with Sara!! Can you play any instruments? I played the flute for years, but I don't think I could remember how to now. Are you a Facebook addict? Nah. Are you afraid of stink bugs? YEAH. I hate beetle-like insects. Do you have a printer? Yeah. Does anyone own any embarrassing pictures of you? HAHAHAHA I HOPE SHE DOESN'T STILL HAVE IT, MY FRIEND ONCE TOOK A PICTURE OF ME IN THE MIDDLE OF EATING A HOT DOG AND I JUST REALLY HATE IT. Do you still live at home? Yeah. Are you currently enrolled in college? Yep. Do you care what others say about you? Way too much. Have you ever played Farmville? No. What is your favorite video game? Silent Hill 2 and Shadow of the Colossus. What song represents your life the best? "Get Up" by Mother Mother makes me think of myself A LOT. Are you into anime? Yeah. Name one movie that has made you cry more than once. The Notebook. Always. Do you watch the Disney Channel? Not anymore. Do you swear? Way too much. Do you overthink things? You wouldn't BELIEVE how much I do. What’s the largest animal you’ve ever had as a pet? A fuckin ginormous black lab until Ashley moved out. He wasn't even full-grown. Do you own any kind of helmet? No. What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had? As a kid, I was running on the gravel road and slipped and fell. I scraped my knees to the point of pus coming out. It took a loooong time to heal. I cried SO fucking loudly. Bad, bad memory made only worse because Dad got so annoyed by it that he yelled at me to shut up. Happy beyond words he changed so much after the divorce and stopped drinking. What is something you like to have conversations about? MARK and other YouTubers I love to an unreasonable height, meerkats, vidya games I enjoy, RP, bands I love... What all is in the trunk of your car? I don't have a clue. Do you ever put fruit on your cereal? EW no. I hate that shit. How do you usually celebrate your favorite holiday? By doing nothing, lately. I don't have anywhere to go, so no point in even dressing up. Plus I can't afford costumes. When was the last time you drove something other than a car or truck? Uh. I have zero clue. Have you ever eaten/drank something and then realized it was past the expiration date? Probably at some point. Do you own any jewelry containing your birthstone? I have an amethyst angel pin from my grandmother. When I was in high school and going through my most suicidal phases, I wore it on my shirt underneath my hoodies. What is something unusual that annoys you? Hm. Well, I think this resonates with a lot of people at least to a mild degree, but it really angers me when people don't put their shopping carts back and just sit them in/by a parking spot. Fucking lazy as hell. Does mind over matter work for you? Rarely. What was the last thing you were invited to? No clue. Well, besides the obvious things like my niece and nephew's b-day parties, I don't know. What item should never be shared? Stealing the last person's answer: your toothbrush. What do you usually order at Taco Bell? A cheese quesadilla and fiesta potatoes. Sometimes the cinnamon delight things instead of the potatoes. Have you ever sat all the way through Gone With the Wind? No. Does drinking alcohol make you act more like your true self? I don't know if it's my "true" self, but I'm more extroverted and calmer. Have you ever googled a name and found somebody? Uhhhh so this is probably so incredibly creepy, but I jumped through hoops finding Jason's landline a few days before my suicide attempt because I was absolutely desperate to talk to him. It was in the dead of night and his sweetheart mom picked up and spoke with me for like two whole hours trying to calm me down. Jason was asleep, apparently. I miss that woman. She was so patient and gentle that night. Okay I'm honestly getting pretty emotional recalling that night so MOVING ON. What is your favorite possession? My iPod, really. I've had it since middle school and has 1k+ songs on it that I, like an idiot, am too lazy to back up... soooo when it dies, which it's WAY overdue to do, I will probably tear the world in two. What makes you feel like you are young again? Laughing hysterically. Especially when I do this little squeaking sound. Girt pointed it out all the time and since then I've actually paid attention to it and it's fuckin cute tbh. Are you picky? You. Don't. Even. KNOW. You have one wish, what would it be? World peace. How tall is the person you like? Shorter or taller? She's just like two inches shorter at 5'2''. How tall was the tallest person you’ve dated? Fucking hell, Girt was AT LEAST 6', I'm sure taller. I only reached his chest. How many foreign friends do you have? Oh boy, plenty. Well, I'd say most are acquaintances, but still. I've been on the Internet too long. In which countries do they live? European countries and Australia are the ones I know off the top of my head. What was your dream birthday party as a kid? Hmmm, probably going skating with my friends. What’s the most interesting story you’ve never told anybody? I don't know. What’s the most complicated meal you’ve cooked? Nothing. Have you ever come up with your own game? As kids, my sisters and I did a lot. What is something you value a lot in your life? Having a home, food to eat, a family that loves me... the basics that unfortunately many people don't have. Whose hand did you hold last? Sara's. What was the last thing you planted? Habanero peppers, I think. What or who was the last thing you gossiped about? *shrugs* When's the last time you helped a senior citizen somehow? Probably by holding doors open? What's the most selfless act you have done? Probably compromising my mental health to help others. I dunno. Have you ever intentionally fed a house spider? wtf no get out of mah swamp Are you clumsy? If so, how? I'm a newborn deer ffs. I bump into and trip over shit every day. How many Lidls are there in your town? None. I think. I think the closest is in the next town over. How do you like your favorite beverage? Cold and freshly opened 'cuz carbonation. Are you going to any concerts this summer? Ozzy Osbourne is very likely and I am NOT over it even though that was decided forever ago. Have you ever been to a concert? Once. What do you do when you can’t escape thoughts of your ex? I have PTSD from that relationship, getting away from those thoughts isn't a thing until my brain decides it's over it. Like I mainly just look for a distraction, but honestly, the only thing that seems to be truly effective is time or sleep. Do you watch any TV shows where the setting’s a hospital? I enjoy The Good Doctor, but I've talked about my disinterest in TV plenty. Did your first real significant other change you at all? HI HAVE YOU HEARD OF THE BREAKUP??????????????? Are you waiting to have sex until you’re married? Nah, not anymore. I broke that "promise" anyway through total cheat methods or whatever you want to call them, but I'm ultimately glad I thought I was obeying abstinence through that time considering honestly with how serious we were and how impulsive I was, I genuinely wonder if I would've wound up pregnant. Let's NOT IMAGINE THAT ROUTE. How many schools have you been to? Six. What’s your favorite color to wear? Black. Isn’t it lovely when your S/O smells good? I mean yeah, would anyone answer "no"???? Who’s your favorite actor? Mark is an official actor now don't even fuckin try me about this Who can make you laugh no matter what? *points up* + Sara and Game Grumps. Has a movie ever made you cry? Which one(s)? The Notebook, A Walk to Remember, Titanic, Old Yeller, The Lion King, Coco, Finding Dory, Johnny Got His Gun... man, a lot. I'm a baby when it comes to movies. Do you keep a list of movies you want to watch so you don't forget? No. What was the last song you heard for the first time and enjoyed? It was one of Highly Suspect's new songs. I think it was called "Snow White." What do you prefer -- the original fairy tales, or the Disney versions? Disney. Would you like more film adaptations of traditional fairy tales? Yeah, I enjoy them. Are there any comic books you'd like to see made into a movie? I don't read 'em. Are there any comic book movies you wish had been better? ^ Have you watched the Good Omens series yet? Thoughts? No. Who are some of your favorite female fictional characters, and why? Yrel from World of Warcraft is a fucking badass that needs to come back, I love Heather Mason from Silent Hill 3 with her being a realistic, relatable, and headstrong female protagonist that takes no shit, Bayonetta is my Mommy like have you seen that girl work (she served as some of my first evidence I wasn't straight, actually), I love Cynder from The Legend of Spyro saga with her personality overall and story... there's a lot I love. OH! Ellie from The Last of Us is impossible to not mention. It's beyond debate she's one of the toughest females in video game history, and it was interesting to watch her grow up in a post-apocalyptic world where horrors and tragedy were so normal. Something you didn't like that happened in one of your fave shows/books? GINGA DENSETSU WEED SPOILER: I will forever be livid Jerome died sobs I loved him more than I love myself. THE OUTSIDERS SPOILER: Dally's death devastated me. A character (in anything) you wish hadn't been killed off? Vol'jin's death in WoW was fucking stupid and entirely anticlimactic. Make the guy warchief & then Blizz doesn't know what to do with him and lets trash kill him, such shit writing, look guys I'm fuckin tilted about- What was the last video you saw that made you smile? Oh my god, I watched a clip of Shane Dawson at the Mall of America with Jeffree today, and he was physically in a state of shock, entirely speechless, and in tears. My lips were about to split my face in half smiling and almost crying. He deserves all he's getting right now beyond words. What's something exciting that's happened recently? A Heist With Markiplier was the best thing that ever happened to me ok. What about something upsetting? My grandma going downhill so fast. Cancer cells are now clearly visible in her blood. Do you have any calluses on your feet? So possibly TMI so look away, but I used to walk SO MUCH that my feet, especially my big toes, have the thickest calluses you could probably imagine. They bother me so much that I want to see whatever kind of doctor that can get rid of the damn things. Nothing I've ever done has helped get rid of them. I've CUT areas off in hopes of them going away, but it always heals BACK into a callus???? What was your last big purchase? Teddy's vet visit. Have you ever eaten grits? Grits are disgusting. What is the name of your YouTube channel, if you have one? 0zzkat. Do you wear the same shirt and shorts multiple times before washing? It depends on how long I wore the shirt and if I sweat. You'd never see me in shorts. What color is your favorite lip gloss? I don't use gloss. How many different states have you lived in? Just one. Are you allergic to bees? No. What color is the rim around your bedroom mirror (if applicable)? Black. What is your favorite flavor of saltwater toffee? I don't know if I've ever tried that. Have you ever vacationed on an island? No. What does your favorite bikini look like? Remember how I said you wouldn't see me in shorts? That goes even more for bikinis. What flavor was the last slushee you had? Strawberry limeade.

[slashersteve]

Forgotten Love Letter 💌

pairing: Peter Parker/Gender Neutral Reader

summary: Peter discovers a letter you had intended to give him in freshman year of high school before you started dating.

warnings: mentions of blood 

note: I got inspired by letter writing in numerous fics I’ve been running into and tatbilb ofc 💕 enjoy :)) first imagine ive written in over 2 decades, it’s been sitting in my drafts for that long too- now she’s out here in the world thank u thank u

•••

The school week was officially over, and you could finally relax over the weekend. It had been an exhausting week with numerous amount of homework (it’ll be this way in college get used to it now teachers said or claimed) You still had homework, but it wouldn’t be due until the end of the next week, so Saturday was officially for you.

Your boyfriend of a year had promised you two would hang out at your place and watch a movie, but after his nightly activities. You knew Peter was Spider-man, an internet sensation everyone was crazy about including yourself. The only way you found out is because Peter has never been great at keeping secrets. He saw you on the street one time, and just waved, “Hey (y/n)!” He yelled, completely forgetting he was Spider-Man and not another high school student who can nonchalantly say hi to their significant other. You were hella confused and had awkwardly waved back, recognizing his voice but not quite sure if you heard it right.

It took you all night before you had put two and two together. From those late nights he wouldn’t answer your texts or would answer your text, weird bruises and aches he sometimes had, and his ability to climb through your window despite the fire escape being farther away from your 7th floor bedroom. And his voice. You quickly got to work and went to school the next day wearing custom made Spider-Man gear to see if he catches on that you know and he looked completely touched by the fact you were wearing it.

“Did you- figure it out when I said hi to you?” Peter asked one day underneath the bleachers during lunch before Ned came to join you two. You had smirked and said, “I thought the point of the mask was for people to not know who you are, especially the ones you know.” He blushed of embarrassment and you kissed him on the cheek and said, “Secrets safe with me...” with a wink.

It was after that when Peter would come to you after nearly every night patrol he did, he’d come into your room in the full suit to tell you about his day, what he had done, what kind of crime he fought and other times he’d come when he’s injured. Those were the nights that worried you the most and made you lecture him on being much, much more careful. You didn’t care if he’d heal fast- he’s not invincible.

You hadn’t expected him in early today though, knowing he was spending the entire day with his Aunt May before going on “patrol”. So you spent most your Saturday laying sround, sleeping on and off and texting Peter. Your mom was out all day working and you didn’t expect your dad home till the next morning because he’d just left for the graveyard shift. You were bored out of your mind after every favorite movie was watched and decided to clean up the mess in your room you ignored the past week.

An hour of picking up and vacuuming later, you then decided to organize your closet. That’s when you found it- a medium sized white wooden jewelry box with flower and swan designs on it your mother had gifted to you when you were eight. After putting all your clothes back and some in a box, you sat down on your bed, legs crossed as you wound up the music and then opened the box, the melody of Swan Lake playing the moment you lifted the lid. You smiled at the swan figurine that slowly spun along to the music. A feeling of nostalgia bursted through you as you were reminded of being a child, humming the tune wherever you went and drawing swans randomly. Your eyes shifted to look at the contents inside, letting the music continue to play.

There was anything but jewelry in there, In there was instead a few notes you and your best friend from middle school used to give each other, filled with silly stuff and inside jokes. There was even old letters from a pen pal you had in 5th grade! Her name was Elizabeth and she was from the UK. About a half hour had passed with you reading through them when you eyes caught the light pink, folded paper that was at the very bottom. You picked it up, setting the others aside.

You flipped it around, not remembering what the letter was, what it contained or who it was for right until you saw the name “Peter Parker” with a heart around it. Instantly your eyes widened, the happy nostalgic memories being replaced with the cringey memory of that one afternoon on the bus ride home writing out your feelings for your new friend from Science class. You felt your cheeks heat up at the memory, and slowly small tidbits of what you wrote were coming back to you.

Just as you moved to open it, there was a sudden loud knock on your window. You jumped in your spot, the letter falling from your hand and you turned to see the man himself in his Spider-Man suit, waving at you and pointing at the window asking you to let him in. Instantly you relaxed and quickly shoved the letters back into the box and shut it, the room becoming silent.

Hopping to your feet, you went to unlock the window, saying, “You’re here early did May-“ but your words got caught in your throat when you saw he was cut up and bleeding. He pulled his mask off, his brown locks of short hair sticking up in nearly every direction.

“Peter what the hell!” You cried, gently touching around a bruise on his left cheek and then looking down at his cut up suit to see the damage. It was pretty bad, but he just gave a pained toothy smile that you glared at, already knowing what he was going to say.

“It’ll heal- I dunno about the suit- but ill heal I just need to get kisses from you and lay down for a while and I’ll be better in no time,” he said, pecking your lips then walking passed you. You were baffled as he had one hand over his side and used the other to grab a towel to put over your bed before sitting down on it. You’d honestly never seen him this hurt- you’ve seen bruises, mega painful looking bruises, and few cuts but this was just bad. His suit was cut up. What kind of people did he run into for them to do that? He noticed you staring and sighed, “I know what you’re thinking (y/n), but really I’m okay! You should’ve seen the other guys.” He joked but you crossed your arms not amused.

“Other guys? Looking at how you ended up- I can only assume you killed them,” you said in a serious tone, but he laughed like it was a joke. When he saw you weren’t laughing he let his head fall downwards for a moment.

“Can you not lecture me right now- this really hurts,” he motioned over his wounds and you sighed once more, hands falling to the side as he gave you those puppy dog eyes now. You didn’t say anything as you wandered over to your door and went to retrieve some things to clean his wounds. He may heal pretty fast, but you’ll be damned if he’s going to lay there all bloodied up and in pain. Peter watched you go and pushed himself more onto the bed, before swinging his feet up and knocking over the music box on your bed. He raised a brow, and grabbed it, realizing it was a music box when he saw the wound up in the back. He opened it after twisting it, smiling at the soft tune that began to play out like you had done. He curiously looked at its contents and he would’ve left it alone because it was clearly private if they were in a box, but his eyes caught sight of a “-rker” and when he moved the other papers he saw it was his name. Curiosity got the best of him as he pulled out the pink, folded sheet of paper and laughed softly when he saw it was his name written in your handwriting in the center of a near perfect looking heart.

He glanced at the door to see if you were coming back, and saw you still werent back so he gently opened it, seeing a full page of writing and a date at the top, Peter recognizing the year as freshman year, the year you transferred to Midtown High and the first year you met. He felt his heart warm up as he realized what this was.

It was a love letter.

Dear Peter Parker,

I know we’ve only just met, but every time I’m around you I feel butterflies in my stomach and my heart races 100 beats per minute. You’re very sweet, funny, and really smart and I couldn’t help but feel these feelings for you even if we’ve only known each other for a month or two. Everyday spent with you has been the best days of my life! I came to this school with no friends and dreaded having to have to do a partner project in biology. You were kind enough to sit by me and ask me to work with you. After that, I couldn’t stop myself from falling in love with you. I feel silly for writing a letter, but I’m not really good with words and I am not sure you feel the same. I’m currently writing on the bus ride home, hoping to god the person behind me isn’t looking over the seat. I would be so embarrassed! But- I really hope you do feel the same way, I’ll be crushed if you didn’t. Please don’t think I’m a fool for writing this letter

With love,

(y/n)

By the time Peter got to the end, the smile on his lips were so wide. He found this completely touching and adorable because it was dated about 3 months before you two even began to date towards the middle of freshman year. The fact that you already liked him so much before then also made him a bit giddy.

You had just gotten out from your parents bathroom, having been in there a while trying to find the first aid kit. When you walking back down the hall towards your bedroom you stopped when you heard Swan Lake.

“Oh...oh no-“ your heart dropped as you remember what was in that box and you ran into your room, eyes widen when you saw Peter holding the letter in his hands, “What are you doing?!” The music ended on queue and Peter snapped his head in your direction, seeing your horrified expression. You set the first aid kit onto the dresser near the door and reached to take the note away from him but he dodged your hand, “Give it! Please don’t read it! It’s from a year ago please Peter!” You begged, “I don’t even know what’s in it, it’s probably horrible!” Peter hadn’t said anything, just smiling playfully and keeping the note away from you as you leaned over him, still being aware of his injuries. Although he’d forgotten about his own injuries being distracted by your letter. He fell backwards and groaned in pain swinging his legs over the side of your bed. Your eyes widened.

“I already read it by the way,” Peter said, looking up at where you sat next to him, one leg crossed over the other, “I can’t believe you didn’t give it to me! We could’ve been dating way sooner!” You tilted your head, cheeks heating up as you snatched the letter from him and scanned over it quickly.

“Dear god no- this would’ve slowed things down! This is so- so bad,” you claimed and looked back at him with a major cringe on your face. Peter shook his head disagreeing with you, “I barely knew you- are you telling me you wouldn’t of been freaked out by this? It’s kind of stalkerish.”

“Nope!”

You shook your head in disbelief, and looked back down at the paper, embarrassed by the horrible confession of love whereas Peter was grinning like a child next to you.

“It’s cute that you’ve always had a crush on me,” he teased you, you became flushed and began to fold the sides of the paper nervously, “hey, hey why are you so embarrassed? I liked you too you know.” He admitted, pushing himself up now clenching his side lightly. You set the letter down and got the first aid kit.

“I don’t know why I’m so embarrassed,” you admitted as you took the same spot next to him, “We’re literally dating. And I feel like I can’t even look at you.”

“Well- you got what you wanted,” Peter said as he tapped on the spider logo on his, his suit loosing up and falling off his shoulders to reveal the bloody wounds. Normally when he had his shirt off you wouldn’t able to concentrate, no one should let the nerd demeanor throw them off, he was pretty built and it was nice. The wounds were your main focus, along with that embarrassing letter though, there was no time to ogle.

“Oh yeah?” You asked, a smirk on your lips as you got out the supplies, “And what was it I wanted?”

“For me to return your feelings, thus us beginning to date, you got it all!” he explained, wincing when you began to clean around his wounds, “Why did you never give me the letter? It was really sweet...” he said in a strain voice, you pursed your lips together and looked at him.

“I don’t know, I remember coming home that day and just setting it into the music box and never letting it see the light of day again.”

“There must’ve been a- ow,” he closed his eyes and bit his bottom lip and you seized cleaning one of the bigger wounds, looking at him with a sorry look, “a reason!” You licked your lip as you began to think back to that day, and it suddenly hit you. You laughed sadly.

“The next day, I ran into this girl and she was crying. And I asked her what was wrong and she said that she sent a long text to her crush about how much she liked him and he completely ignored her, and that he wouldn’t talk to her,” you explained, Peter frowned, “So as you can tell...that really discouraged me.”

“What a damn jerk,” Peter said raising a brow, “I wouldn’t of done that to you, I mean- look at us now-“

“Me cleaning up your wounds after a year of dating?” You chirped and he smiled fondly.

“Well- we could be doing more!” He teased and wiggled his eyebrows and you rolled your eyes, “Woah! I meant watching a movie together and cuddling! What were you thinking?”

“There will be no cuddling because you’re hurt,” you gestured to his wounds and he scoffed and put out his bottom lip. You continued to clean up in wounds in silence, suppressing that smile on your lips.

When he was all clean and bandaged up, you dug into your extra clothes and handed him a pair of sweatpants and then gave him one of your large sweatshirts you wore in the colder weather. You helped him get it on, pulling the sweatshirt gently over his back and stomach. He wasn’t hiding the fact that it hurt, and you pat the spot next to you.

“Thought we were going to watch a movie,” he said, crawling next to you onto your bed and settling down facing you, propping his head up with his right arm. You shook your head.

“M’ kind of tired,” you mumbled, fluffing your pillow. Peter blinked, and noticed that he was pretty tired too, Aunt May knew he was going over to your place, so sleeping over wouldn’t be the worst thing. He leaned over, catching your lips into a kiss and with a cheeky grin he said, “Thank you for taking care of me (y/n), I don’t know what I’d do without you. Everyday spent with you has been the best days of my life and I can’t wait for more!” Your eyes widen and you flicked him in the shoulder as he laughed loudly, falling into his back. You nuzzled your head into his arm, not wanting to lay on him due to his injuries.

“Everything in that letter was true by the way, Peter.” You said, closing your eyes. Peters eyes were already closed, but there was a smile on lips before both of you fell asleep.

[winteriron-trash]

About Me/FAQ

Hey, welcome to my blog! This is my -well, usually- Marvel-centric blog that has everything WinterIron, Bucky Barnes, and Tony Stark, as well as some general shitposts of my own wild adventures. I figured it’s best to keep up this trend of updating my ‘About Me’ page every follower milestone. So thank you all so much for over 3,000 followers, I never expected to break that many followers, let alone in less than a year on Tumblr. I appreciate each and everyone one of you, so really, thank you for sticking around with my bullshit.

Per the usual, I don’t do drama, I don’t do discourse. If you have a serious problem with me or anything I’ve written/done on this blog, please take it up with me personally. I will delete anon hate (if I get any, I haven’t gotten any yet…) and I think it’s all just pointless. I can be salty and derpy sometimes, but I will never purposely say something malicious. I’m not here for that negativity.

Now, to the FAQs.

Do you have an Ao3/Pillowfort/other social media?

I do have an Ao3, you can find me at Gothic_Lolita. I don’t cross-post everything, and a lot of my stuff on Ao3 isn’t WinterIron or even Bucky or Tony-centric, so if you’d like to see some other stuff I write, feel free to check over there. I don’t have a Pillowfort, nor do I plan on getting one. It took me forever to get this platform right, I’m not in the place to bother learning how to navigate a new one. I don’t do Snapchat or Instagram or Twitter because I am not nearly basic or cool enough for that stuff. The only social media I use is Tumblr and Pinterest, and trust me, my Pinterest is nothing interesting enough to be worth linking.

Do you have a tagging system?

I’m… trying, honestly. I’m trying to adjust my tags and systems because of the… wildness Tumblr is having with blocking and purging certain tags. I try to be funny in my tags, and I swear a lot, and apparently ‘fuck’ is being filtered out of the tag search, so that’s fun and completely screwed me over. As it stands, the important tags are ‘winteriron-trash writes’ (my writing tag), ‘shitposting with becca’ (any wild shitposts of my own sad creation), ‘not about marvel’ (any posts that are my general bullshittery and not Marvel related), ‘becca gives mediocre writing advice’ (a new tag I’m trying to use that’ll tag any post that I give writing advice on), ‘becca spills the tea’ (a tag for whenever I post my metas or opinions on Marvel characters, plots, etc), and the citrus scale which I explain in a post here

Do you write original fiction?

Yes, but I rarely, if ever, post it. I think I have all of one poem on Tumblr, any absolutely nothing original on Ao3. I write original works all the time, especially poetry and novels, but I’m super shy about being vulnerable and putting my stuff out there. I do wanna post my original writing somehow, but considering a fandom blog and Ao3 aren’t really the place for it, I’ll just keep it all hidden inside of me, and one day I’ll die. You’re more than welcome to ask me about any of my original writings, trust me, I am always willing to ramble about the shit I write, it’s pathetic.

What type of fanfiction do you write?

For this blog, mostly WinterIron fics or gen fics focused on Bucky or Tony. I do write about OT3s on here occasionally, but they usually include WinterIron in some way. Most of the time. I’ve somehow gotten to writing some weird stuff lately, to be honest. I’ll work with MCU, Sony Venom, and Spiderverse characters and canon, with the occasionally comic canon shoved in there. I have occasionally written crossover content with DC characters, but that usually relies on comic versions -or at least my own remixes of them- rather than the DCEU. On my masterlist, you can check out all the things I’ve written!

What are your ships besides WinterIron? NOTPs?

I’ll ship almost anything, and I’m a huge fan of rarepairs/interesting relationships simply to explore the possibilities of it, particularly when they include Bucky or Tony. My top OTPs besides WinterIron are currently Phlint, FalconShield, and BlackPepper. As for NOTPs, I strongly dislike Stucky, Stuckony, Thorki, and Staron for reasons of just not being able to see those characters together romantically. Feel free to send me the wildest rarepair your mind can think of, chances are I’ve probably already thought of it myself so I’d love the chance to ramble about/write for it. I’m a big fan of weird OT3s as well, just see the weird shit on my masterlist.

Are you in any fandoms besides Marvel?

I’m into DC, Star Trek, classic literature, Percy Jackson/HoO/Kane Chronicles, She-Ra, Carmen Sandiego, indie gaming, Supernatural, vulture culture, HYDRA Trash Party, and musicals. Yes, I’m aware I was born to be a geek. Trust me, I’ve grown very used to it.

Do you take prompts?

Honestly, sending me a prompt/headcanon/idea is a shot in the dark. I have prompts sitting in my inbox that has been there for about a year that I’ve been meaning to write. Chances are if you send me a prompt yes I’ve seen it, yes I think it’s lovely, but god I do not have the time. Occasionally a prompt will really grab my eye and I’ll just have to write something for it, but sometimes even that can take months to finish. Don’t be surprised if you send me a prompt and I randomly fill it seven months later. I’m prone to doing so. I love being tagged in existing prompt/headcanon posts and asked to write it (as I have a bad habit of hijacking posts to write stuff for them to begin with…) just know that once again the chances of me writing it are about a 50/50. Also, make sure the OP is okay with you asking me to write it, it’s never my intention to steal someone else’s spotlight, I just want to take cool ideas and throw my two cents in.

Is there anything you won’t write?

Drugs and alcohol are hard nos for me. They’re personal triggers that if you really want to know more about, you can send me an ask or message about. If I’ve listed something as a NOTP, I will not write anything with it. I strongly dislike writing kid fics, mundane AUs, damsel in distress Tony fics, and A/B/O, but I’m willing to work with an idea if it’s good enough. It really depends on the situation.

Do you offer writing advice/reviews?

Yep! I’m down to answer any questions on writing fanfic or just writing in general. I love talking about writing and all that. Seriously, I like talking about writing almost as much as I like talking about Marvel. I’m more than open to reading a few chapters of your fic or book or whatever and telling you my honest thoughts, but I probably won’t have time to read all of it if it’s more than 5k long, because I’m just a busy person. And I will be honest because I want to be helpful. Don’t ask me for my honest opinion if you just want your ego stroked.

Can I ask your opinion on [insert topic here]?

Always. I am always open to sharing my honest opinions, regardless of backlash I’ll receive for it. I’d rather be my honest self online -the one place I can be my honest self- then a fake mask made to please others. Whether it be fandom ships, in-universe meta, or non-fandom related topics, feel free to ask me. I love talking meta, or just general thoughts and opinions on random stuff. Trust me, I’m far too opinionated for my own good. Ask literally anyone who’s met me.

How long have you been writing?

All seventeen years of my sad, sad life. I loved writing stupid little stories when I was a kid, that slowly morphed into shitty “books”, then I went through a poetry phase in junior high, and when I was about 14 I wrote my first fanfiction. I posted my first fanfic when I was 15, and have been posting fanfiction for over a year and a half now. I started Tumblr in late February but didn’t start writing fics here until about March because I am a shy bitch.

Aaaaaaand now for some stupid shit about me you didn’t ask for.

My name is Becca, or Winter, or Dumbass, whatever you prefer, and I’m a dumbfuck 17 yr old lesbian from upstate New York. (The ‘upstate’ part is important. Don’t ask me if I live in NYC. Just don’t.) I’m a junior in high school and planning to study English and Marketing in college, to hopefully become an editor. Hopefully. I’m actually a pretty boring and dumb bitch, which makes it all the more concerning that I am steadily gaining popularity on this hellsite. Someone help me.

I mentioned some of my interests above, but some other stuff I’m into includes knitting, playing piano, tea, collecting (hoarding) notebooks, photography, editing, music, and being a general idiot. I’m a wild child in ripped jeans and a leather jacket, which should not fool you because I’m far too shy and afraid of everything to be cool like that. I sound a lot cooler online because I’ve gotten so used to online interactions from making friends and running my own Discord server, but in real life I am unrecognizable. I’ve been in a grade of 60 people with the same people since kindergarten and some of them still don’t know my name.

I’m mentally ill and all that, but we’re working on getting… better. Writing schedules are a mess from me and sometimes I’m falling apart so, that’s fun. It doesn’t usually affect my blog because I internalize that shit, but occasionally the self-deprecating humor can get to be a little too close to the truth. And just the general spastic nature of my blog reflects the utter chaos of my mind.

So anyway, that’s me, please be my friend. Also, because this seems to come up more and more. Please don’t be afraid of me/intimidated by me. I know I look all cool and popular, but I am literally a hot mess just like the rest of us. If you want to climb your way into my messages and just,,,, scream at me about something you think I’d like, or just scream in general, go ahead. I really won’t mind, I promise. I need… friends, or so my therapist tells me.

Oh, and here’s a face reveal.

Yes, I am that absolute idiot of a person, lying splat in the middle of my elementary playground field for,,,, reasons???? I don’t really remember the story behind that picture tbh, but it’s my entire personality in a single picture, so I dig it.

And here’s my actual face, with a cheap ring in my mouth and a fox filter because I thought I looked cute, okay? Leave me be.

Tadah.

I swear I’m funny and talented sometimes, please like me.

As always, feel free to send me an ask or a message about anything you’d like. 

Check out my Masterlist if you want, and join my Discord Server.

[13daysolderthantaylor-blog]

Dear Trouble,

I might be okay, but I’m not. In a box beneath my head is a letter that you’ve never read. Is it cool that I, your nightmare dressed like a daydream, am starting to think I'll tell the story of us ? I shouldn't be asking myself why. This is the last time. I don't like your tilted stage, your perfect crime, the role you made me play. And when you take you take the very best of me so don't pretend it's such a mystery if I act insane.

Traitors never win.

Here's the truth from my red lips : I've never heard silence quite this loud, it's all too quiet. Better than revenge, the girl in the party dress, fearless, grabbed a pen, wrote you a song. You should have known (and I'd do it over and over and over again, I'm not afraid, I’ll make the moves up as I go).

Horrified looks from everyone in the room. Now I’m hiding in the curtains searching for an empty seat. They say I did something bad, got nothing in my brain. But thinking it through I've never been anywhere cold as you and I feel a responsibility to speak now. I know people throw rocks at what's upstanding and right but out of all the bricks I could build a castle. So I stand up with shaking hands and rosy cheeks. Wanna open your eyes and make you realize.

First chapter. Once upon a time, a few mistakes ago, you told me “you know I haven’t seen you around before”. I struck a match and blew your mind, you told me ’bout your past in the middle of the night. You think it’s funny when I’m mad, I think it’s strange that you think I’m funny, cause everybody loves pretty. What’s past is past, we’re dancing ’round the kitchen in the refrigerator light or right there in the parking lot. That slope is treacherous, strange to think the songs we used to sing, getting lost down a dead-end street.

Maybe it's me and my blind optimism to blame. I told myself don’t get attached (don’t you dream impossible things ?) Maybe I was naive, school-girl crush, wonder struck (I can't possibly be that surprised all the time !) and never really had a chance. You asked me to try and stay out of everybody’s way. That should’ve sent me running. I should've seen the signs, slept with one eye open at night. I know I make the same mistakes, I never learn, thinking my wide-eyed gaze can make the bad guys good for a weekend.

But maybe it's you and your dark twisted games. I never saw you coming nor would I have suspected it – you throw your head back laughing like a little kid, why would you wanna break a perfectly good heart ? I almost had a bad feeling.

Had to wake up, smell another mess I didn't plan, fix my heart, put on my make up. One second it was perfect, you said you loved my hair undone, now I don’t feel welcome anymore but… Didn't you calm my fears with a Cheshire cat smile ? With a great little story ? You're an expert at sorry and keeping lines blurry (you're not sorry, you said sorry just for show, that face of an angel comes out just when you need it to). You said you needed space (what ?) then you come around again, driving to my house when you know you’re ’bout to cry, dark gray, all alone, find yourself at my door and say everything feels better. I lived in your chess game but you changed the rules everyday. The water filled my lungs, I screamed so loud, tied together with a smile that could light up this whole town, but no one heard a thing. I was dying invisible, riding shotgun in the front seat of your getaway car, til you put me down, a crumpled up piece of paper lying off the road on the cold hard ground. I remember it all too well. Burning red, spinning ’round in my head. What do you say when tears are streaming down your face in front of everyone you know ? Oh, what a shame, what a rainy ending. Blue like I’ve never known. Sad, tragic.

Beautiful ?

I honestly believed in you, I got that good girl faith, I was thinking that you could be trusted. But I got smarter. I didn’t know what I would find when I went looking for a reason to your share of secrets, you sick need to give love switching sides, and your wildfire lies and your humiliation. You should have known that word of what you did would get back to me. The unthinkable letdown, the last straw, was that twist of fate, the moment I knew what you put me through !

It was like slow motion : I break down on the kitchen floor. Know something now I didn’t before. Got me feeling like a nothing at all. So low you can’t feel anything now. Trying to figure out what is and isn’t true, no matter what you say. Take a look what you've done, how could you do… this ! All this time ! Did you think I wouldn’t hear ? This is why you can't have nice things. Because you break them like a promise. You’re the wrecking ball. Understand perfectly : you’re the kind of man that makes me sad. Just walk away ! It rains when you’re here and it rains when you’re gone. Makes me run for cover when you walk in, when you're around I’ve got nowhere to go. And I’ve been a lot of lonely places.

Pretends he doesn’t know that he’s the reason why I'm coming off a little shy, but I do. You might think I’m bullet-proof, but I’m not. Band-aids don’t fix bullet holes and words... how little they mean when you’re a little too late. Stupid girl, back up, back up, you don't feel pretty you just feel used. I'm not your typical princess, a new notch in your belt is all. I should've known. I should've known. I’d go back in time and change my own mind. But I can’t. The joke is on me.

No ! Don't blame me.

I swear I don't love the drama, it loves me. He poisoned the well, he had it coming. Therein lies the issue, friends don't try to trick you and mind-twist you ! He was long gone when he was enchanted to meet me. New money, suit and tie, some boys are trying too hard but I guess no amount of expensive stuff gives you dignity. They didn’t teach that in prep school ? So it’s up to me. I hate that because of you I can’t love you and I bet somebody made you cold, but, you had… 1, 2... 3 girls at home ! That’s how you got the girl and that’s how you lost the girl, so why you gotta be so mean and so shady ? And a liar ? And pathetic, chasing down the newest thing ? And mean ? And mean ?

Just… walk away ! Every smile you fake is so condescending. Talk to yourself, talk to the tears, talk to the Man who put you here. And don’t wait for the sky to clear cause everything has changed. I’d like to be my old-self again, but I’m still trying to find it. How do I get it back the way it was before ? All my flowers grew back as thorns, we got bad blood, butterflies turned to dust, problems and I don’t think we can solve ’em.

This ain’t a fairy tale, every man for himself. The old Juliet is dead, I’m not the kind of girl to forever hold your peace anymore. You're just another picture to burn and at least I did one thing right : I passed the pictures around.

All I think about is karma, just wait and see. I'll be the actress starring in your bad dreams, keep you second guessing. Reputation precedes, all these things will catch up to you. You go talk to your friends, talk to my friends. People like you (liars, self-indulgent takers and the dirty, dirty cheats of the world) always want back, but I took an ax to a mended fence, I'm shaking my head, locking the gates. Death trap, time won't fly, you'll go back to December, built to fall apart, forever and always paralyzed by it, knee-deep. Call it what you want, a little revenge, this is how the world works. As far as I’m concerned, I’m ready to fly : I took your matches, and I can see you years from now, someday I'll be shining like fireworks over your sad empty town. I’ve got this music in my mind saying it’s gonna be all right to take the road less traveled-by. Any trace of you there in my rearview mirror disappearing now.

But the saddest fear comes creeping in, counting all the nasty scars you made : all love ever does is break and burn and end. Are we out of the woods yet ? I wish I’d never grown up.

Hold on, girl, you’re losing it.

This is me praying : take a deep breath in the mirror, life goes on, don't read the last page. Here's a toast to my real friends, I had the time of my life fighting dragons with you, laughing on a park bench thinking to myself : “Hey, isn't this easy ?” Here’s to my mamma, my excellent father, God smiles on my little brothers… don’t know how long it’s gonna take to feel okay, but I had the best days with you.

Fakers gonna fake, heartbreakers gonna break, this is how the cruel world where everybody stands and keeps scores works, not how the storyline ends. I'm gonna shake it off in the nick of time. Take away the pain. Begin again. I do it all the time. Heartbeat steady, keep your aim locked. September saw a months of tears, but there’s no time for just sitting here. I'll have new Septembers, turn flames to embers.

All I know since hours ago is the trick to holding on was all that letting go. Rudely barging in, I punched a hole in the roof, let the flood pouring down. It felt so good. Everybody needs to hear me out. There’s a silence, there’s my last chance. I owe him nothing.

And then, finally clean, I would very much like to be excluded from this narrative.

The end.

The lyrics aren't mine ( they're all @TaylorSwift 's).

The true story is.

[nctjpeg]

I CAN’T BELIEVE I SAW B.A.P AGAIN AND DIDN’T TELL Y’ALL ABOUT THE CONCERT SO JSHSJDSJDKLD HERE’S MY FAN ACCOUNT

the last time I wrote one of these it was for LOE 2014 wow.......

okay so I had the baby package for the Dallas show which means I did the soundcheck in addition to the hi-touch/photo so we’ll start there!

my friends and I arrived to the venue a good hour before we lined up for the soundcheck, so we hung out and ate the lunch we picked up on the way to the venue. It was really chill and I actually really enjoyed being able to wait indoors where it was nice and warm. We lined up for the soundcheck, and walked over to where that would be!

B.A.P were all wearing casual clothes, and it turns out Zelo and I have the exact same glasses so that’s cool I guess. I literally lost my shit the moment they got on the stage. It was a weird mixture of laughing and crying because I had NEVER been that close to them before and now finally......... after all these years........ it was happening. They performed 2 songs and I accidentally recorded a whole minute of myself having a mental breakdown on the sight of B.A.P which is actually really funny because it’s just them standing there and i’m like “YEEEEEEEEEEES OH MY GOOOOOOOOOOOD!”

the soundcheck ended and then we went back to wait some more, I wrote questions to put in the question box (none of them were picked later btw) and talked with fellow fans. Then it was finally time to go back for the actual concert!

I was in the same spot I was for the sound check, so maybe “third row” or so. I tried really hard to get their attention throughout the show by throwing up finger hearts and waving but got nothing, or maybe I did and never realized it. I may or may not have had prolonged eye contact with Zelo until my knees fucking BUCKLED. I know they saw my ass in that crowd because I was taller than literally everyone else, and the lights were always on our section of the crowd. I also had my titties out and I have red hair which helps. I took quite a few videos that I don’t know what to do with now, they’re pretty good imo.

But if you’re reading this you wanna know how the hi-touch and photo went, and boy howdy it SURE DID. I expected all the platinum baby package people to do their stuff AND THEN baby package people would do theirs. I was wrong and didn’t realize this until there were only 2 people ahead of me before my turn. My friend and I were hugging each other and a volunteer was like ‘oh my gosh don’t start crying now!’ but tbh it was 1000% anxiety I was feeling, this band was one of 3 reasons I didn’t commit suicide in high school so like... I had many emotions. I had like 30 seconds to prepare myself until Himchan and I were looking at each other and it was my turn to FINALLY MEET THIS BAND!!

so there I was, walking towards them, hand prepared, trying not to pass the fuck out or cry. I TOLD myself I was gonna be calm and collected but then i opened my mouth to speak and all I said was ‘oh my god hiiiii! hi! i love y’all! y’all mean so much to me! hi!” as I highfived them. I then went into the middle to take the picture and I had no clue what to do with myself so i threw up double peace signs and called it a day. SOMEONE WAS PRESSING UP AGAINST MY SHOULDER AND I DON’T FUCKING KNOW WHO IT W A S SO THATS A MYSTERY TO ME UNTIL I GET MY DAMN PICTURE!!!!

I then got ready to walk away from them but I didn’t know where to go so I looked around and I ended up looking at Zelo and he said “thank you for coming!” which is so insignificant but i’m still not over it hdsjdzhfujl we’re basically married now, I wish I said something back but I was so scared

I thought I handled it fairly well until I got to the signed poster table and one of the volunteers asked me if I needed a tissue, and before I realized it I had burst! into tears! I was crying profusely! I could not STOP crying! I tried to collect myself and STOP crying but couldn’t! A really nice fan in the platinum baby line pulled me aside and comforted me while I was going back to meet my friend but this means I was still in B.A.P’s line of sight while BAWLING MY EYES OUT! She also told me to look behind myself and i just saw them again and freaked out more and idk why she told me this? were they looking at me? were they concerned? I do wonder how they felt in this situation because I had my titties out, knee high boots, short skirt, fishnets, and I WAS C R Y I N G and they probably didn’t care but I mean... I was right there... its just a lot.

my friend and I stayed with some other girls to wave bye to them as they left (which a lady from JSJ TOLD US TO DO)

and I still haven’t recovered emotionally from all of this, I have cried over 10 times just from talking about it with other people or by thinking about it. I don’t know why this concert has me so FUCKED UP but it does!

overall 9/10, I wish I could’ve had more time with the boys but fuck man I MET THEM!!!! I MET B.A.P!!!!