#god ive fucked up my sleep schedule so much

[ashoss]

post patrol jason :)

[orcelito]

Did driving practice today. Actually did parallel parking practice this time, even tho I really didn't want to still. Finally got it into my head that I can maybe do this.

SO......

I have scheduled my driving test. For November 13th, 3 weeks from today.

[maaaxx]

I have this ten page paper due in like a week on greek art or something like that and this is both really nice and really awful because on one hand one of my current wips (not fandom related) is heavily inspired by greek things, and on the other hand I dont feel like writing a ten page paper.

[pupyuj]

[cw: cnc (reader receiving ofc), g!p ive, somnophilia, exhibitionism, degradation, humiliation, spanking, slapping, etc. (there’s just… a lot going on)]

been having cnc thoughts with ive so this is what i came up with! i’ll try to get some asks done and ehehe i’ve been working on a new fic for a while but ofc i get the block sdkdhsj.. BUT i’ll get out of this little predicament and hopefully come back w more food for you guys 🥰 i hope this was okay! i’m still tryna get my groove back 🤕🙏

p.s. this is like, long asf for no reason so have fun guys! 😭😘

everybody knew (y/n) (l/n) as ive’s brightest little star that was pretty much perfect in all aspects ☺️ nobody adores you more than your members though! you’re their battery, their personal motivational speaker.. but sometimes there’s a better use for you than simple bear hugs and little kisses.. you were the elder members’ toy, and they all love to use you in different ways… 😵‍💫

yujin gets real busy so she doesn’t have a lot of time to relax and do whatever she wants 🙁 poor girl barely has enough time to just sit and watch her favorite show before she has to leave for another schedule! she’s exhausted, angry, and most importantly, so fucking needy 🤭 so one day, she'd come home all tired and grumpy as she usually was... walks lazily towards the bathroom to get changed and wash her face when she notices an underwear of yours haphazardly thrown on the floor, missing the laundry basket nearby... and ofc yujin gets hard! it was annoying, really! how easy she gets horny whenever she sees you or thinks of you—you were too pretty! soon enough, yujin would sneak inside your room all hot and bothered, more than grateful that you were wearing the shortest shorts and the thinnest tank top in your closet.. fuck, yujin could practically cum at the sight of you alone!! yujin never liked touching you without your permission, but she remembered how you never fail to tell any of the unnies about how they "can use you however and whenever they want" and how "you wouldn't have a problem with it".

you were in deep sleep, so you didn't do or say anything at all when yujin swiftly gets rid of your shorts and it turns out you weren't wearing panties at all! god, you were such a slut—you just figured one of the unnies would come into your room and fuck you silly while you're asleep 🤭🤭 best believe yujin would be fully erect with even just the thought of fucking you in your sleep, so taking off her pants was quite ‘liberating’ in sense! ugdhhfhcbsig baby whimpering as she slowly inserts her cock inside you, practically drooling at how tight your pussy was! 😵‍💫 she gets a little scared when you stirred slightly, but then starts thrusting into you in a steady pace once she realizes you weren’t going to wake up any time soon 🫣 omgomg her whining in your ear bcs it’s been so long since she’s been inside you 🥺 sure it might be more fun if you’re awake (yujin needs a good riding right now actually…) but yujin couldn’t wait for that!! and now because she was thrusting inside you so fast and deep, naturally you’re wake up 😰 but you couldn’t even do anything bcs yujin’s pushed your head down to your pillows, telling you to “not say a fucking word” and “take it” and ofc you do that bcs who were you if not yujin’s stupid little pet?? 😋

biting your lip while yujin’s grip on your hair tightens more and more the closer she gets to her climax, afraid of waking the other members up and disturbing their rest :(( yujin pulling your head up roughly just to get a mix of a moan and pained sound out of you.. oh she fucking loved it 😙 seeing you look at her with both fear and lust in your eyes was what made yujin cum! filling you up to the brim but the two of you were far from finished! you haven’t cum yet after all… so expect yujin to manhandle you for the rest of the night bcs one thing she wants more than fucking the lights out of her pretty doll? control.

now… gaeul doesn’t know why but you had a real knack for pissing her off 😒 she never had too much of a problem with it before bcs most of the time you were just doing it for the camera to establish a cute little dynamic between the two of you for the fans to see! it was all fun and games until one day you went too far and gaeul just snaps 😔 the two of you were fooling around in an empty waiting room—making out and being touchy and all that, then you made a stupid joke which gaeul laughed off at first… but then you started to outright insult her and it wasn’t until gaeul has slapped you to shut you up that she realized that oh!! that was what you wanted out of her!! well, that angry reaction anyway… the whole bending you over in front of a vanity mirror and forcing you to watch yourself get fucked from behind was a surprise, but a welcome one 😋😋 she’d ignore your whining about how your hair, makeup, and outfit’s gonna get ruined, only grinning in response when she sees your shaking your head at her desperately bcs it was all becoming too much :(( her cock and her grip on around the back of your neck.. her other hand holding your hip, keeping you steady while she slams into your walls… and now what gaeul couldn’t ignore were your tears, and the pitiful way you’ve started sobbing ☹️

gaeul would’ve stopped right there (she would never want to hurt you on purpose! well except when she slapped you earlier—)… if it wasn’t for the fact that you subtly started to push back into her when she slowed her thrusts bcs she had been worried 🫣🫣 gaeul looking at you all confused and a bit conflicted bcs you literally were sobbing but you looked back at her, urging her to keep going, to keep ruining you… and you didn’t have to tell gaeul twice for her to do just that! “look at how much of a slut you are for me.” her now gripping your hair and pulling you up so you’d look directly at her through the mirror… oh that condescending look in her eyes mixed w disgust and annoyance.. you could’ve cum right there, really! but you knew gaeul would be disappointed if you did so you just stayed there, bent over and spread open like the good pet that you were 🤭 with how loud the two of you were, you were surprised that nobody has come in and interrupted you.. or maybe the noises drove everyone away! 🤔

eughfhdhc the thought of people outside the room hearing all of this.. somehow the idea did nothing but turn you on even more!! now you were moaning gaeul’s name even louder, calling her all of the names she likes through your sobs and whimpers… eventually gaeul feels you claw at her wrist, and that was when she finally came and with you, too!! 😋 as mean as she was, gaeul will definitely kiss the cheek she slapped an infinite amount of times and apologize 🥺 even though she knows it wasn’t going to be the last time you were gonna pull that stunt on her…

rei loves taking care of you! out of all the members, she was the one you stuck to all the time! everyone knows rei and (y/n) are attached to the hip, the pretty best friends who have the best instagram feeds due to each other being their own personal photographer… basically, you and rei were inseparable! 🥰 she knows you like the back of her hand, inside (😉) and out—all that stuff! the two of you didn’t fuck much, mostly bcs all you wanted to do when you’re together was gossip, make jokes, go to pretty places to take pretty pictures of each other… sure you’ll make out every now and then but ultimately, rei doesn’t touch you unless the mood strikes her 😙 and apparently, you coming home drunk out of your mind after a fun night out with your other friends was a good time for ‘the mood’ to hit rei 😚 her swinging the door open and seeing your flushed face, lazy smile, and messy hair.. she didn’t like the smell of alcohol no matter how fancy it was but when it came from you, it smelled nice enough! and then partnered with the very outfit rei helped put together… well, who could blame her for getting so hard?! by the time she sat you down on the couch, her cock was practically begging to be freed but she ignored that feeling for a while! giving you a glass of water to drink, taking off your jacket for you, caressing your hair and pushing strands away from your face.. god, who allowed you to be this pretty??

as rei slowly left kisses from your collarbone up to your jawline, she wondered if it was okay to take advantage of your dazed state like this.. it had to be, right?? you were the one who said the unnies can do whatever they want to you whenever… and rei wasn’t stupid—she knew you just wanted to get fucked for no reason bcs you were a stupid slut. she knew you better than anyone! in fact, she gets a pass for all of this, she’s your best friend after all 😚 it didn’t take long until she had you laying on the couch, with your pants and underwear removed and legs wide open and ready just for her… rei licking her lips at the sight of your wet pussy clenching around nothing, oh how she couldn’t wait to make your scream her name tonight.. 😋 you were exhausted though, barely processing anything that was happening until you felt something stiff and hard entering your pussy.. panic rushes into you until your eyes met rei’s, and then it was just a wave of emotions flooding through your head… confusion, lust, thrill.. and then even more panic when rei pushes in further, moaning loudly at the feeling.. you don’t know why it pained you so, perhaps you weren’t used to feeling rei inside you or maybe it’s bcs you clearly weren’t in the right state of mind to be doing this but fuck, why did that fact turn you on??! but your mind goes blank when rei decided to just force her entire length inside you, her ears tingling at the sound of your choked moan, wanting to hear more until your voice was gone...

"s-so big..." aww you were so cute underneath rei as you whined and weakly tugged on her shirt 🥺 but ugh as much as this all ‘weirdly’ felt good, you just wanted to have a good shower and sleep till the next afternoon.. but rei was intent on keeping you where you were when she pinned both of your hands above your head, using her other hand to clamp your mouth shut when you started to whine in protest 😤 tells you to “be a good slut” and ofc you didn’t want to disappoint your best friend so laid there and let her use you to her heart’s content! rei needed it anyway, what with everything she’s had on her shoulders as of late.. and you would never pass up on the opportunity to be of use to your unnies! after rei’s breeded you for hours on end, expect to be coddled and babied for the next week 💕 perhaps even spoiled 👀 (maybe it’s time i write sugar mommy rei actually…)

now wony… wonyoung’s got a lot to express, okay?! between living up to her ‘perfect idol’ image, schedules, and practices, you can’t exactly blame her when she suddenly just decides she wants to pull you to a corner and fuck you like it’s her last! every time she fucks you there’s always a sense of urgency in her actions… as if the world will explode if fucks you a second longer than she planned 😗 sometimes you feel like just another ‘activity’ in wonyoung’s calendar, there would be a specific date, time, and location when she wants to play with you and truthfully, it makes you feel shitty! she makes you feel shitty! god, the things she does and says to you??? you’re so lucky you’re such a slut that’s super into being practically bullied and humiliated… otherwise you’d be crying while she fucked you (but she’d probably love that) 😙 that ‘urgency’ makes wonyoung do a little of risky things.. especially if she’s desperate and wants to get off to let her frustrations out! all of ive would be alone in a waiting room and she’d literally daydream about fucking you right where you sat and laughed with yujin and rei… then she’d send leeseo out on an adventure (the baby will NOT see this fucking shit AT ALL in her life, wonyoung will make sure of it) before asking you, from across the goddamn room, to suck her cock 😀😀 there would be a pause, then the change in the atmosphere would make you shiver as wonyoung held your confused stare with a confident glare of her own… her ego only getting bigger when yujin nudges you and tells you to obey wony with a knowing smirk… evil, evil girls 🫣

ofc you were scared so you’d be frozen in your seat, trying to figure out if they were all joking or not but nope, they were 100% serious!! frustrated, wony takes up the space in between you and rei, not even giving you a minute to form a thought before lifting her skirt up, pulling her dick out of her compression shorts, and grabbing you by the back of your head 😵‍💫 “you know i don’t like repeating myself, (y/n)-ah.. nor do i like being denied of my pleasure…” and then she was balls deep inside your throat 🤤🤤 she simply loved how your mouth fit around her cock like a glove, making sure to control your pace so that your lips drag on her entire length.. finding joy in the way you’d gag and choke whenever she hits the back of your throat… even your tight grip on her thigh added to the fun—your tears too, ofc!! she’s sick, smiling wickedly while she listens to your muffled moans and your attempts to breathe but failing.. wony would feel bad but you clearly liked this! you weren’t protesting, you weren’t tapping out, you weren’t looking around trying to ask the other unnies for help… in fact, gaeul had already pulled her phone out and started recording you but you didn’t seem to mind! 🫣🫣

“f-fuck, really..? in front of your u-unnies and in a p-place where—oh, shit..!—we could easily be caught?? you’re disgusting…” you can’t see wonyoung but you can just imagine a psychotic expression on her pretty face while she said those words.. nothing makes her more happy than knowing that she can do literally anything and everything to you whenever and wherever… “where next, hm..? o-on stage? in front of dives? y-you wanna show them.. ahh… who you really are?” wonyoung, as well as the rest of the unnies, would burn the entire world if anybody else saw you like they do but it was a nice tease… pulling you up briefly so you could answer.. you frantically shaking your head no bcs the thought genuinely mortified you, then wony laughing at how panicked you looked bcs you knew that if she was pissed enough she would terrorize you during a fansign or something… after a while, she’d be done playing games—moving your head up and down so fast that you can barely keep up ☹️ she’s so desperate to cum it’s not even funny!! and when she did, she came a lot 😋 yujinnie making sure that every single drop is not wasted so she keeps your head down since wony had gone limp, they’re all cruel really 😣😣 but wonyoung, being a gentlewoman, is the one who cleans you up and returns you to your presentable state! becomes super soft bcs she knows she goes overboard sometimes 💔

jiwon is one strange case! she’s lowkey a perv and touches you inappropriately all the time but when it comes to actually fucking… well, suddenly she’s stupid 😭😭 either way, when you told the unnies they can use you… jiwon got more than a few ideas as to how exactly she’ll use you, but never had the courage to do it all! ☹️ but then you’ll find yourself in a situation that completely mirrors that one drunken experience with rei… this time around, jiwon came home completely wasted! she and yujin apparently had too much fun and now you were left to take care of the blondie 😙 she’s slurring, she’s stumbling, falling all over… can’t even take a step without needing to lean towards the wall to support herself 😭 she was GONE gone 💔 and when you hurried over to her side to help her, jiwon catches a whiff of your perfume and her entire demeanor completely changes!! 🫣 “w-what is that perfume you’re wearing..? smells nice… can i…” then she’s hugging you?? face down on your chest, sniffing your shirt, while her hands groped your ass?? “unnie.. come on don’t do this here… we need to get you to your room so you can rest up..” but nope jiwon refuses to listen! your scent alone was enough for her cock to stiffen right up…

first things first though—she has to feel how tight you are with her fingers 😵‍💫😵‍💫 subtly unzipping your jean shorts and slipping her hand inside your panties… literally moaning at how soaked you were, trailing her fingers along your folds as she leaves sloppy wet kisses on your neck.. god it was as if jiwon was completely hypnotized by your scent, going as far as to inhaling your hair and getting her boxers all wet bcs of all the precum that was leaking out of her… being so weak that you don’t do much when she presses your back against the wall 🫣 now rubbing your clit gently.. who knows how many marks she has left on your neck and chest at this point?? she doesn’t care! and jiwon barely bats an eyelash when she hears a pained squeak from you as she suddenly inserts two long fingers inside in your cunt 😵‍💫 she could practically cum at how your tightness just sucks her fingers in.. you’re squirming but you were clenching all around her! and she doesn’t miss the way you’re slightly grinding on her hand.. so she continues her work, fingering you in the best way she knows how… her free hand roaming anywhere she could touch until she grabs a fistful of your hair so you could look at her before she crashes her lips into yours 😋 jiwonie kissing you feverishly and getting so lost in your taste that she doesn’t notice you tightly gripping her wrist bcs she was going too fast… not that she’d care if she noticed anyway 🤭

“mmhn.. need to feel you on me…” jiwon moans in between kisses.. her being so knuckle-deep inside you that it hurts a little but jiwon showed absolutely no signs of stopping! she needs to hear you scream her name, needs to see you cream all over her hand… you looked so pretty with your neck all marked up and a bit of your lower lil bleeding bcs jiwon bit you while kissing you… nobody can blame her for pushing you over the edge to the extreme and making you cry as you came!! 🫣 jiwonie shushing you bcs you ended up being so loud, giggling a little seeing your tears and your swollen lips 🤭 definitely makes you clean up the mess you made on her hand, barely giving you time to react before she’s dragging you to her bedroom by your shirt, more than ready to ruin you until sunrise 🤤

[realbeefman]

Do you have any good house fic recs? I am Struggling with my search.

for sure! although Disclaimer, i havent been reading house fanfic for very long and ive pretty much only read house/wilson so far, SO this is more of a hilson fic rec list than anything lol

Warning Signs by out_there - oneshot, 12k words, Wilson-POV, set around the end of s3. SUCH A GOOD FIC i laughed so much while reading this. genuinely delightful. possibly my fav house fic i’ve ever had the pleasure of reading.

The Line of Thought by tevinterimperium - oneshot, 12k, Wilson-POV, set after s3 e15. THEEE classic fake-dating AU. this was the first fic i read in this fandom and it absolutely fucks. im a SAP i love a good “no homo but OH GOD THE FEELINGS” plot!!

Desert Mesa Motel - 8 miles outside of Kingman, Arizona - 12:03 AM by plorp - ficlet, 1k, House-POV, post-canon. this makes me BAWL. very very good fic but SAD. and DEPRESSING. will make you CRY/pos

How Not To Be Boring by fourleggedfish - incomplete/abandoned, 497k, Wilson-POV, AU from around mid-s5. if u like whump (which i absolutely do) u will probably like this fic. if u are squicked out by sex, u will hate it bc these guys bang 24/7. this fic had me pacing, glued to my phone, sick to my stomach, crying (several times), and obliterated my sleep schedule. i can’t rec it highly enough. every chapters includes appropriate content warnings, but some major themes that appear throughout are character death (not of main characters), the aftermath of severe child abuse, and mental illness. if any of these topics are a trigger for you, please don’t read this work.

Forsake Me Here by MonsterBoyf - complete, 8k, Wilson-POV, ambiguous setting. Wilson has intrusive thoughts about mutilating House. He tries to cope. features a lot of very graphic imagery and does an excellent but extremely accurate job of portraying an OCD-spiral that could be triggering to people. i LOVE this fic i think about it so so much.

An Inconvenient Truth by anathaema - complete, 15k, House-POV, ambiguous setting. contains the quote “You’re the suicide bomber of revelations” and is one of the funniest things i’ve ever read. plus the way in which wilson’s sexuality in this fic is handled is honestly so realistic and entertaining. HIGHLY recc this to absolutely everyone who enjoys hilson

the more it took away by scribespirare - oneshot, 10k, House-POV, ambiguous setting. Omega!House has his first heat since presenting. Alpha!Wilson helps him through it. I LOVE OMEGAVERSE AND I LOVE FUCK OR DIE AND I LOVE THE WAY THIS FIC HANDLES THIS IS JUST GRAHHHH. If u don’t enjoy omegaverse u won’t like this but i can’t make a house fic rec list and NOT include this one

Aftershocks by black_cigarette - series, around 125k in total, various POV’s, set sometime post-Tritter arc. this fic IS gen, but honestly, i didn’t know that going in and didn’t realize it wasn’t a slash fic until the very end. tldr is that wilson is brutally assaulted because house has been gambling with some unsavory people, and house helps him deal with the aftermath. this fic does not pull punches. its is extremely graphic and everything wilson goes through is described in detail. it is a messy story about recovering from brutal trauma and everything that entails. DISCLAIMER: there are sequel(s) to this series available on the author’s livejournal, but i haven’t read them and can’t speak to anything they discuss.

no need to worry (making up your mind) by scribespirare - complete, 25k, House-POV, set sometime in the early seasons. House lies about having a Jewish boyfriend to get out of visiting his mother at Christmas. Things quickly get out of hand. THIS FIC IS SOOO *tears into it with my teeth*. I love when they scheme together <3

[olde-scratch]

ive already got the writing down, i gotta get the drawing and then in like 5 years i will tackle the most daunting of The Big Three Creatives: music theory. (sobs in id rather learn rocket science)

i dont like numbers but music theory...... that thing scares me. im picking up what i can along the way so that i wont get thrown completely into the deep end but im better suited for prose than poetry and everything i write comes out cringy one way or another.... sob

i wanna be able to make something with a fandom sweetspot but the thing abt that sweetspot is that whatever the fandom is based around must be highly enjoyable and not written perfectly which!!! OFC i want my thing to be PERFECT but if its TOO perfect i wont get the fandom i want!!! like, if junji ito had made his entire career nothing but souichi stories he would not be the name he is today, but please sir..... may i have some more.........

me when im home alone so i set up in my kitchen and take cosplay pics for instagram, chill in that cosplay for a few hours, and then don't wear anything but pajamas for the next few months. i gotta post more on my cosplay acc man but my phone doesn't want me to </3

LMAO NOT THE PINTEREST BOARD!! ur so yuuta-coded rn. i had a shared pinterest board for a witch hat atelier fic i was gonna write with my artist friend but for various reasons (mostly my fault.... because of bad mental health.......) we're no longer friends and it fell thru (tho when i get back around to catching up on wha idk i might just write it. i still have my oc and some of his scraps.)

dokushi is not the villain who got Magically Redeemed, he's the villain they infected with morals who wishes he could shove them all in a giant blender and go back to being evil <3 but he cant <3333 loser <333333 im so normal about souichi i wanna chew on him like a dog. tear out his insides and scatter them around the living room under the couches to find next time i sweep.

bro wdym youre already starting the animatic. Bro W D Y M. i fixed up like three frames of my other animatic (its a dungeon meshi animatic i made to get used to opentoonz, which i wanna use cause i cant use flipaclip and nothing else looks nice.) in the time it took for you to do this What Do You Mean.

This is the longest I’ve drawn consecutively. I got BIG motivation..

His sodasona is mostly done? I think? I’ll debate on whether or not to do lineart.

@olde-scratch wanted to see my version so here it is ‼️

(Hope the ping doesn’t bother)

Omg wth I need to fix his shoulder bye

[chosen-hero-inari]

Whumptober Day 8: Sleep Deprivation

5 Times The Phantom Thieves Didn't Sleep + 1 Time They Did

I

Hey, let’s meet up at Mementos today.

Yusuke’s ashamed of the tension that goes through his back at that text. The literature professor had decided to give them all a surprise take-home paper to write and turn in by tomorrow, and he really needs to work on it.

But, he can’t let his grades come before making sure his friends are ok, can he? Or the people who made those requests. It’s not a problem, he can just work late tonight. And take some time to work on that piece for class.

He’ll be fine with only a couple of hours of sleep.

II

“Makoto?” Sae asks. “You’re back late.”

“Sorry, busy with some work after school,” Makoto replies, yawning. If it’s resolving a Mementos request for another student, then technically it’s Student Council work. It’s her responsibility as Student Council President to resolve it at least.

“Are you prepared for your exam at cram school tomorrow?”

Makoto blinks. “Huh?”

“Makoto! I’m paying for you to go and–”

“No, I meant, erm why would you even bother to ask that?” Makoto chuckles. “Obviously I’m ready for it!”

“Good, even if it’s a practice exam, it’s important to be confident now so you’re even more prepared for your entrance exams.”

Makoto goes to the kitchen and makes herself a pot of coffee. She shouldn’t be up too late.

III

“Does this shit make any sense to you?” Ryuji asks.

“Nope,” Ann sighs. Putting the math textbook down. Two heads are supposed to be better than one, but maybe math homework is just too powerful for that.

“God,” Ryuji says, “I feel like you’re gonna call me a shithead for this.”

“I call you a shithead for a lot of things, what is it?”

“It fucking sucks that Ren asked us to go to Mementos today.”

“Honestly? Hard agree.” They’d invited Ren to their homework session today, but he’d never gotten back to them. Not that he needed it, but you know, it was always nice to hang out.

Except they wanted to do this in the afternoon, when they’d have more time and could meet at a cafe.

Instead, Ren decided today was the best day for requests.

“What if we blocked off Mementos for like, Wednesdays?” Ryuji suggests. “Then we can schedule around it better?”

“But what if a request is urgent. Plus Palace stuff.”

“Ugh, you’re right.”

Ann flops back and lets the textbook cover her face.

“Ann?”

“Yeah.”

“I kinda hate that I can’t tell him no.”

“Yeah, I know but like, it’s whatever?” Ann says. “That’s just part of being a student and a Phantom Thief, I guess.”

IV

Haru practically dives for the phone when she hears it ring. “Futaba-chan?”

“Hey, I got the info you wanted,” Futaba says. “This investor seems pretty clean.”

“Oh my gosh, thank you so much,” Haru says. “I’m supposed to get this report in to the investors tomorrow and I can’t ask for a delay and I wasn’t sure who to trust and–”

“Hey, no problem!” Futaba says. “Just don’t tell them you heard it from me.”

“Thank you, I owe you so much, Futaba-chan.”

“No prob, I’m probably gonna pass out, how about you?”

“I can’t, there are still things I need to arrange with my father’s will and then I’m meeting with lawyers in the morning, goodness I need more coffee!”

“How much have you had?” Futaba asks.

“Oh, four or five–”

“Cups?”

“Pots.”

“Holy shit, Haru!”

“I know, I know,” Haru says. “I was going to do all of this after school but then we had that Mementos run and now I have to do it all before morning.”

“You should have just told Ren you couldn’t make it! He gets we have lives, it’s not like he hangs out with us every time we ask.”

“Mementos is different Futaba, you know that. I’ll talk to you later.” Haru hangs up and gets back to work.

V

It’s not wrong to hack her friends’ phones if she’s genuinely concerned for their well-being, Futaba tells herself.

Besides, taking a quick peak at their calendars is like, barely snooping. She could text and ask them but she’s really hoping they’re asleep.

She’s not, but she doesn’t have school in the morning. She can go to bed at 7am and still get the proper eight hours of sleep a growing girl needs.

She and Morgana are the only ones who aren't students and Phantom Thieves though, and oh boy is being a high school student busy.

Let’s see, Makoto has an exam at cram school tomorrow, Haru had that meeting they were just talking about, Ryuji and Ann were texting (ok texts were a bit more snooping than calendars, but like, it’s important!) about meeting up to do a bunch of homework they’d put off while they were clearing Sae’s Palace, and Yusuke had an email reminder from a teacher about an essay.

And none of them had brought any of this up when Ren asked them all to go to Mementos today.

Damn, looks like Futaba has to be the responsible one.

+1

Ren doesn’t know why Futaba suddenly suggested group movie night, but hey, it’s always good when she wants to be social, and his schedule’s free now that they’ve finished up the requests.

They all gather around the attic, and Ren’s a little worried about them all watching the tiny TV, but it’s not really a problem, because pretty much everyone else falls asleep by the fifteen-minute mark.

“Wow, they’re tired,” Ren says. “Guess they don’t have Mona to tell them to get to bed early.”

“Uh, Ren about that?” Futaba asks. “Do you ask if anyone has stuff going on before saying to meet up for Phantom Thief stuff?”

Ren blinks. “I mean, I guess not but I figure they’ll tell me if it’s super urgent.”

“Ok, but see, I think they don’t,” Futaba says. “I actually asked all of them about it, and they feel really bad about canceling Mementos plans, so they push all their stuff back and do it at night. Like none of them got any sleep the last couple of days.”

Ren furrows his brows. He kinda, hasn’t thought about how his friends are always willing to show up when he calls for a meeting, even on days they’re not normally free to hang out. He just, you know, figured they did the same things he did. He doesn’t have a problem getting everything done before going to Mementos.

Then again, he’s the one picking Mementos days because he has nothing else going on.

“I’m a shit leader,” Ren says head hanging back.

“No, I don’t think you’re shit!” Morgana says. “We just gotta tell them they don’t have to come to Mementos if they’re busy, it’s not a problem to push it back.”

“We could like, make a group calendar?” Futaba suggests. “Plan ahead a little bit? I mean Palaces and emergencies are one thing, but I dunno, maybe everyone can plan better and say if they super duper can’t?”

“Yeah,” Ren says. “But uh, let’s do that later. They look like they need their sleep right now.”

[osarina]

I didn't want to comment my reply again on the civilian dazai fic but OMG FYO IT WAS REALLY GOOD

I will say it deffo felt much light hearted and had a friday fellthan waterloo and even wykyk but I think that's cause the ✨️drama✨️ btwn them hadn't started yet and also the fact that I know they aren't doomed by the narrative (you) this time 💀

But I am liking the way it is going it already has me hooked and I am so very excited 😊 and God damn I LOVE love the reader so much. She's much more badass and ahhhh dazai is so cute and pathetic I lub him <3

Also fun fact after my 3 hour exam and after 2 sleepless nights, I did the exam well and came rushing home and held myself to read this awesomeness before sleeping for like 8 hours straight. When I woke up I read it again not in a sleepy haze to get the full experience XD that's how much I love your quality top notch fics

I think the reader's ability is a great and beautiful choice. It's not overpowering to change the plot or invite plot holes but powerful enough to impact everyday life. It really keeps me asking if the reader is using her ability on a certain situation or not and I really love that feature.

Anyways hope your life is going well 😊 and dont forget to eat healthily

P.s. : Do you have a fixed schedule to upload wasteland like waterloo or is it not fixed? And sorry for making the asks so long 😅

TUMBLR USER SILVERSNOW2000 HELLO MY LOVE I ADORE YOU, YOU NEVER HAVE TO APOLOGIZE FOR SENDING LONG ASKS I LOVE THEM

AHHHHHH I'M SO GLAD U ENJOYED IT ive had soooooo much fun writing civzai and pmreader. IT'S DEFINITELY MUCH MORE LIGHTHEARTED THAN ANY OF THE OTHER SERIES SO FAR but don't worry the drama starts in the next chapter LOLLLL and it doesn't slow down from there. THEY DON'T DIE THO i feel like i have to say this every time LOLLLLL

YESSSSS PM READER IS SO FUN TO WRITE like she's alwaysssss fun to write but it's particularly fun being able to write her from the viewpoint of dazai as a civilian who isn't like used to seeing her already. like she's very similar in the original universe but dazai has known her for so long there that he's become used to her yk, meanwhile this dazai sees her in a very fresh light if u get what i mean. it's the change in perspective that's so fun to write here

AND OMG IM GLAD - i was so conflicted about how to phrase/what to make her ability because i didn't want to make it too op but at the same time .. she's a port mafia executive, she needs to have a pretty notable ability, and then i was like wait ... her whole thing is politics and negotiations, so obviously it has to be something along the lines of fucking with ppl's minds/brains, but i needed to obviously whittle that down because mind control is just too ridiculous, so i got the idea of her being able to like induce emotions + states onto people BUT they're able to draw themselves out of it if they have the strength for it.

some things are easier to brush off, but other things aren't. like she can put people to sleep with her ability and they can't really drag themselves out of that because now they're sleeping, and inducing fear in particular is pretty hard for people to draw themselves out of because it spirals quickly. but for negotiations and stuff, when she's making them feel as if she's more trustworthy/more susceptible to taking bad terms, she has to be SO careful & calculated with her every word because any small thing could make them double take and jar them out of the induced state.

actually, in civzai universe, it's going to be really interesting because without dazai there to stop chuuya from using corruption, reader and chuuya had to figure out a way to knock him out of it themselves - which they DID and it involves her ability but it's SOOOO dangerous for her so they end up not really using corruption often. this actually comes up in the next chapter

i dont have a set schedule! i'm going to shoot for every other friday max though!

[muffinsin]

Hey Muffin! Ive had an idea for a while. Some CassxDonna goodness request ig, i dont fucking know how to request shit

I also have like this vison in my head of Donna working on a doll or some other commission. Like super stressed out cuz its not going just how she wants it*Perfectionist Donna ofc* And rambunctious Angie is being chased by Cassie, tryin to have her steer clear of Donna when she is working you know? But somehow Angie gets in and ofc breaks something *that Donna had just finished* Angie just giggles and runs out will Cass is like 0_0. Leaving Cass with a very very angry and rather pent up Donna who has been working countless hours, no sleep, and ofc that means no hot sex with her lover. SO how would Donna react to this? Lets say Cass has on one of the dresses donna hand made for her, maybe one of Donna's favorites.

I'd love to see ur HC's on this

-Flyin Rizz

This is interesting!👀 and would you look at that! Some Cassandra x Donna content! XD (No smut in this but some suggestive phrases here and there)

Let’s get into it!🙌

Masterlists

It’s not uncommon for Donna to get very invested in her work. She crafts things on a daily basis, whether this is dolls, clothing, accessories, or toys

Everyone at the beneviento manor knows of her tendency to get really into her work, abandoning her regular sleeping schedule, most mealtimes and just about anything outside of her work until her piece of finished

In this case, a doll. A beautiful one, dressed in a light blue summer dress, according to the blueprints and sketches the dollmaker has messily drawn

Agatha, if Cassandra remembers correctly, a future play-partner for keeping Angie entertained

She, like all the dolls residing at Donna’s manor, is very much aware of how meticulous Donna works

And how badly she wants this doll in particular to be perfect

She brings her food and tea occasionally when she worries her lover gets too into her work, her posture straightening when Donna, even in her focused state, scolds her for the blood coating her and daring to slip down and mess the beautiful dress she is put in

While wearing her signature black dress at the castle and on hunts, her attire is quite different when visiting her girlfriend at her manor

The dress is to be discarded and replaced nearly immediately whenever she visits, instead replaced with one of the many Donna likes to craft for her

Whether light pink, lilac, yellow, red or white, they all share an older, more elegant aesthetic, so that Cassandra often feels as if dressed similarly, if not nearly the same way as most of the dolls sitting tight and proper for Donna

Not that this is entirely inaccurate in her case, in most scenarios

While Cassandra has learned not to disturb her girlfriend in such times, lest she wants to face dire consequences, Angie’s mindset is a little different

Fuelled by her excitement and anticipation of getting a new friend to play with, and her boredom stemming from Donna’s lack of attention during the many hours of the day she sits locked in the workshop, she likes to stir trouble

Trouble, which often consists of multiple things

1), to steal one of Cassandra’s weapons and force her to chase her about. Once or twice she has fallen for it and followed the mischievous doll outside, only to receive proper punishment after getting her dress muddy in the process

2), making a mess of the house and playing god while she watches other dolls clean it up again. She especially enjoys putting some of the blame on the Dimitrescu and watching her clean her mess off the counters, a sour grimace on her face

And lastly, a good old chase around the house, which usually, sadly, comes with many broken decorative plates, vases, flowerpots, paintings off the walls, and carpets curling in on themselves

Normally, Donna is capable of handling this. And normally, Cassandra couldn’t care less

However, with her girlfriend on edge after more than a week of intense working and perfecting her craft, restlessness and no true stress reliever, she knows it’s best not to test her

Naturally, Angie thinks differently

And as such Cassandra finds herself chasing after the little doll, frantically trying to keep the vases from tipping over and the paintings from falling from the walls

She chases her through the kitchen and dodges the many, tiny handfuls of flour thrown her way, yet when she reaches out to grab Angie, the doll only blows some of the flour in her face

And as such their chase continues

Down the halls, through the office where Cassandra throws herself against a wobbling shelf to keep it from falling

She knows, she would pay bitterly if Donna had to reorganise and put all the books and files back in

Yet, golden eyes widen when Angie nears the workshop. With a mischievous smile nonetheless

She slips through the small gap at the office, and Cassandra has no choice but to follow, swarming fast through the small tunnel and manifesting again at the other side. She barely still catches Angie’s veil as she rounds the corner

More and more, she catches up with each second

Then, she freezes when both of them stop dead in their tracks in front of the large, wooden doors leading into the workshop

“Angie!”, she hisses quietly, her hands fisting at the embarrassingly sweet dress she is put in

She doesn’t quite notice the state it’s in after her swarming through the dirty gap at the office, yet is soon about to find out about it

With wide, horrified eyes, she watches the door open just a crack for Angie to slip inside

Naturally, she follows

Her posture automatically straightens when she sees Donna across the room, her back turned to her and her fingers working meticulously on what seems to be the sketch of a dress

Cassandra gulps and hurries to the other side of the room when she sees Angie stand next to one of the dolls sitting on the shelf

It hasn’t get been brought to life, yet Cassandra knows it took her lover days to craft and paint it

As expected, it’s given a small push, and the brunette throws herself forwards to catch it. She sighs, her eyes closing for a mere moment when she manages to grasp the precious doll just before it hit the floor

Then, she flinches at the sound of broken porcelain. The torso, one of the few parts of the doll Donna has- after days- finished

Before she can act or even consider her next moves, the mischievous doll slips away behind the other dolls and Cassandra feels strong, thick vines shoot out from the plant pots next to her and tangle around her wrists, seemingly automatically

She hisses when her lower face is grabbed, then gasps upon realising her girlfriend stands in front of her, her free hand twitching in anger, her dark eye set on Cassandra

“I didn’t do it! It was A-AgnmMm!”

She can only whine and whimper pitifully when a slip of paper, the one containing scribblings of the dress, is crumpled and shoved in her mouth to gag her

Wide, dark golden eyes look up at a dark, nearly black one, as though begging for forgiveness. As though to protest: she didn’t do it!

Yet, there is one found. Donna is painfully riled up, and this seems to have simply pushed her over the edge

Cassandra’s shriek is muffled as dark, auburn hair is grabbed and used to yank her head to face Donna. She watches when the broken torso is raised to her face and whines in discomfort when its sharp edge is dragged alongside her cheek

For a moment, the dollmaker doesn’t talk. Her dark eye bores into Cassandra, her face sporting an angry frown

She whimpers when blood begins to drip from the cut and runs down her pale cheek. Before it can drip to the dirtied collar of her dress, however, it is caught with a fingertip

“Have you got any idea how long it took to craft this, doll?”

Her head spins at the low, raspy voice of her lover

All she can do is shake her head. With Angie gone and having left her in this compromising position, and the paper in her mouth keeping her shut up efficiently, she can only listen and whimper occasionally

Donna’s jaw clenches, and Cassandra jumps in surprise when the porcelain is dropped again

The vines around her wrists ease their hold, yet the one on her hair only tightens. She groans lowly when a skilled, pale hand wraps around her throat and strong, careful fingers dig into her neck

Perhaps, she shouldn’t be enjoying this so much. Yet, she can’t help it

She can’t help but melt into the touch, to push herself against the hand around her throat and to look through thick eyelashes to meet Donna’s dark eye with her golden ones

Then, she shrieks when the fingers suddenly yank her hair, tugging and yanking as though it was a leash making her follow like an obedient mutt

Naturally, Cassandra immediately attempts to protest and talk about the small doll when she is tugged along, across to the workbench and pushed hard against it

Of course, Donna has nothing of it

“You’re a brat today, doll... If you will not admit to your guilt, you will not talk at all”, she hisses

Her hair is released, and her eyes still follow every move of her lover’s skilled hands. Petite as they may look, she knows of the strength they possess, and the power they wield

Cassandra’s eyes widen in realisation when she finds her lover taking in her appearance

Her dress, so lovingly created, filthy of blood from her hunt and the dirt from the gap. Her face, partly covered in a fine layer of flour and blood, only adds to her messy state

She gulps when Donna’s hands grasp her collar tightly as it is cleaned. She is manoeuvred rather roughly, until some of the dirt is brushed off again at least

Her wrists are grabbed next, tightly and in a nearly bruising grip. Cassandra, was it not for the paper in her mouth, would grin widely at this

Ah, she loves the beautiful marks her lover leaves on her on a regular basis

“You’re filthy, doll”, Donna hisses, her low voice pulling Cassandra from her thoughts. “Must you always make a damn mess!”, she adds through gritted teeth

The Dimitrescu resists the urge to moan when her arms are tied by ribbons and yanked upwards

She is not treated sweetly or gently, and her body betrays her excitement regarding this

She knows, Donna too notices her rock hard nipples and quivering thighs

And she knows, having spent so much time among the plants at the manor, that her girlfriend is very well aware of the naughty thoughts and feelings she causes her to experience

Alas, it seems the dollmaker doesn’t yet grant her any of this special, painful kind of pleasure. Cassandra could whine in irritation at this

She watches her girlfriend move the tied hands to the hooks meant to hold and lift dolls, then gulps when a hand is held in front of her stretched mouth

Her arms are tied securely and held above her head, and with her legs spread slightly to allow her to sit comfortably with Donna’s body between her knees, she has almost difficulty adjusting to feeling this exposed

Not that it’s new, really

The underside of her chin is tapped impatiently, before Donna holds out her palm again

“Out with it. But I better not hear a thing from you, doll. You’ll start earning your right to talk back by helping me.”, she clarifies

Submitting to the obvious command, Cassandra’s lips spread apart wider and she allows the wet, crumpled paper to fall back out of her mouth

She stays silent, as commanded. She truly tries to

For a mere moment, that is, until she spots the mischievous doll that seems to take immense pleasure from getting her in trouble

“There! It’s he-MGM! Mhmm!”, Cassandra’s eyes are wide when a hand is clasped over her mouth, golden orbs flickering to Angie’s mocking face on the shelf behind Donna

Another hand shoots to her throat, and all she can do is whimper breathlessly when warm breath hits her skin and soft lips move across her jawline

“Did I not say, not. a. word?”, she hisses, each word delivered with a squeeze of Cassandra’s throat

The woman moans shamelessly at this, her eyes pressing shut and her thighs pushing together

With a proper squeeze of her neck, she whines. She feels lightheaded for a mere moment

Then, she whimpers when her lover leans in, her lips and teeth ghosting over her neck, all the way up to her ear

“What was that, doll? Must I put you in your place again?”

She shakes her head quickly, as though overly aware of the beautiful, carefully placed mark of the beneviento symbol carved into her back

The mere feel and thought of it has her attempt to subtly rub her thighs together

She wonders; if only she acts out enough, will Donna renew it for her?

“That’s what I thought, principessa”, the older woman husks out, and again she feels as though her head is spinning from her words

She shivers when the dress is peeled off her, Donna’s hands careful and precise in their movements

“If you’re so keen on sabotaging my work and setting me back-“, Cassandra attempts to protest at this, blame the doll, but at another squeeze of her throat, all her words die on her tongue and only a throaty groan slips out

Donna’s expression turns almost sour at her repeated misbehavior, before she closes her eye for a moment

Upon opening it again, she smiles

“You will be of good use to me, doll”, she whispers

Cassandra tries her best to stay quiet as the woman moves from her, golden eyes following her strong, veiny hands and slender fingers as they shimmer over her workspace

Scattered on the table are scissors, ribbons, wood and porcelain dolls, knives and sewing needles, and much more Cassandra can’t quite catch a glimpse of

She tenses when she hears a breathy chuckle from Donna. The woman’s back is turned to her as she organises her desk, yet Cassandra hears the smile in her voice as she talks lowly

“Seeing as you are so keen on setting me back, you will make up for the lost progress”

For a moment, she doesn’t understand

How can she make up for it? Cassandra doesn’t know how to sew, or craft dolls. Nor is she about to learn it

When Donna holds up her sketches however, realisation dawns on her

She practically sees the gears moving in her girlfriend’s head, her mind coming up with a punishment fit for “her” crime

She knows, her girlfriend is already calculating the amount of fabric and time she will need to craft the light blue dress in Cassandra’s size, rather than the doll Agatha’s

Yet, when her lips part to protest and blame Angie yet again, she feels a hand slap over her mouth again

She jumps at this, not ever used to her girlfriend simply turning and moving in the span of seconds

Donna hums as she regards the tied and bratty woman in front of her

“Whatever will I do to you?”, she hums, a smirk curling on her lips that makes the brunette Dimitrescu’s thighs push together and has goosebumps overtake her pale skin

“Hey! Fly face! Here!”

Cassandra groans, a bright pink blush on her face as she pours some more tea into the doll’s cup

Really, she wouldn’t do such a thing, participate in such a tea party with the doll, if it wasn’t for the tight collar hugging throat and Donna’s watchful eye on her

Both serve as a reminder to do well, she knows

The dress she’s put in is tight, yet elegant and fits her well

She’s careful not to dirty it with every move, and can’t help but bite her lip to hide a grin whenever she is praised for just that

Longingly, she stares at the doll, Agatha, laying unfinished on her girlfriend’s table

How much longer will she need to endure such humiliation of being Angie’s “doll” friend? Dressed up sweetly and made to serve tea and biscuits to the doll and Donna herself, all for something she didn’t commit in the first place!

Yet, the doll, Agatha, is hardly finished. Not even nearly done, even

It seems, Donna is taking her sweet time finishing her

[sennaverstappendiary]

miami grand prix ✩ 07.05.2023

OHH… oh biami my absolute absolute beloved 🥺🥺🌷🌷💕💕🤧🤧 how i love you so so much 💍💍‼️‼️ oughh… miami 2023 😳😳 you will always be famous to me… 🗣️🗣️🗣️

leading up to the race, i was so fucking scared & also so fucking excited to watch it, because as you might remember, this is when checo was almost leading the championship and bragging about it to the media 🙄🙄 very very funny looking back but i knew it from the moment baku ended: i need it to be next week. i need to see max slay again. 🤭🤭🤭 AND OH. OH SLAY HE DID. max cuntstappen is BACK yall 🤤🤤🤤

so, starting with quali (because i did not watch free practice), i remember this was the first time i watched with my now ex upstairs, in my brothers room 🥰 it was VERY VERY late in the netherlands at this point, like around 11 pm? it was very late for me and my sleep schedule at least 🥹 as i’m writing this it seems EARLY… woah… 😵‍💫😵‍💫 as you know: qualifying was fucking crazy. i was there, on his bed, praying man literally praying for everything to go right😬😬😬… THIS WAS ACTUALLY THE QUALIFYING TO MAKE ME VOW TO NEVER EVER MAKE FUN OF A MERC EXITING BEFORE Q3 EVER AGAIN. the fucking instant karma. SMACK IN DA FACE… 😵😵😵😵😵😵😵😵😵😵💔💔💔💔💔💔. needless to say i was very very upset and it was #joever between me and charles for a whole 7 hours (while i slept) 😭😭😭😭‼️‼️‼️‼️

my brother came back from his long holiday trip 2 hours before race start (within said trip i had turned from a casual f1 enjoyer to a complete autistic STAN… i wonder how he felt about that LMFAO 🤣🤣🤣 imagine leaving ur sibling knowing more about a sport, coming back two weeks later and realising said sibling now is obsessed w said sport IM GOING CRAZYY 💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💯💯💯💯) and i could NOT wake his ass up in time for the race. GOOD FOR HIM‼️‼️‼️😭😭🌷🌷

GOOD GRIEF. i decided to watch it w my papa downstairs :3 yay‼️ he told me to fucking breathe during the warmup lap (this will be a common occurrence for him. i literally go rigid). lights out 💡… i scream … i cry … i see max verstappen serve cunt like ive NEVER EVER seen before i go genuinely insane. i start screaming at da tv when he does that DOUBLE FUCKING OVERTAKE 😵😵😵💥💥💥💥💥💥💥 it was so fucking joever for checo atp HOLY shit. my dad looked at me like ‘did u see that lmfao’ and im p sure i teared up like YEAH I SAW THAT 😁😁😁😁🙏🙏🙏 whoah.

but of course. the moment that turned me from a max enjoyer to a max defender, to a max ride or die, was the pointing at that fucking one on his car. i was watching like 😳😳😳😳😮😮😮😮😲😲😲😲😲😮‍💨😮‍💨😮‍💨😮‍💨😮‍💨😮‍💨💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️💥💥💥💥💥💥💥 LIKE YESS SYES YES. GENUINELY ONE OF MY FAV MOMENTS THIS SEASON IT WAS SOSOSOSOSOSO GOOD OH MY GOD I THINK I DIEDED 😵😵😵💓💗💓💞💕💘💖💘💕💞💗 HE DID THAT!!! HE FUCKING DID THAT!!!! my dad just laughed bc we had ALL been laughing at the media shit checo had been saying (for good reasons) IT TOOK ME TWO HOURS TO CALM DOWN JFHEIDHJDHS 💥💥💥💥💥 it was so so good. thank you biami.

max took miami and never looked back. in my personal life: this is when i started going back to uni again. i also took that shit and never looked back :,) 🪞 wherever i go… 💕💞💕💗💖🌷

✩ song of the race: i want to be your boyfriend - hot freaks

another song of hot freaks i really enjoy, and seems fitting for how this race def made me fall in love with both f1 and max LOL

[iliketrainmen]

Direct spoilers under cut

I am so glad I ruined my sleep schedule for this I am not going to shut up about this for the next forever oh my God

1) Silver sygna suit pair with Tyranitar (hehe he's carrying on his brother's legacy)

2) MOTHERFUCKING POKEMON Z???? WHAT THE FUCK IVE BEEN WANTING THIS FOR YEARS. AND ITS LEGENDS???!?!?!?!

Chat from hence forth expect NOTHING but Roark eeby deeby propaganda HOLY FUCK

(Shoutouts to my cat for enduring the streamer level freak out I had seeing Lumiose City's tower appear in the direct. She gets extra treats especially because she endured the even larger one when the title was announced.)

I literally only had one thing on my wishlist and that was for there to be one (1) indirect reference to Roark and I got SO MUCH MORE THAN I COULDVE EVER ASKED FOR

[orcelito]

me gearing up to hate my Fucking life as i work to finish this damned texting bitch of a program due tomorrow, logging into the school website to get the lab info page... only to see the due date's been pushed back a week. probably bc many people, like me, are really... not close to done with it lol

i wouldve known this if id gone to class today probs lol, but i was too busy being gay. so uh. yay? this is a genuine relief lol i was feeling Particularly destructive about it all.

[rianafying]

this is not necessarily a happy journal entry but

i’ve had a lot of happy moments lately. and relief. also chaos but that’s nothing unusual, the happiness is. noticed something that made me upset just now. also opened bumble god knows why. i know fully well i don’t want to date, and yet, i opened bumble. it’s not like i have time to kill. in fact, i have no time. there’s so much stuff i’m meant to be doing. i just added a whole bunch of stuff to my master to do list. here comes the hyperventilation. i prayed the other day. i felt so bad that i prayed. can yall imagine how much anxiety it takes to get to a point where i genuinely broke down enough to beg god for help? but it means something. it means i have hope. it means i want things to get better. it means i feel it’s worth it. this is a start contrast to my indifference and disinterest in living last year. things are different now. i am different. nothing changes. everything changes. it feels like a cycle but also there’s something new about it. everytime i regain my will to life. you can’t force these things. it has a mind of its own. also going back to bumble, it’s such a waste of time for me and also it makes me feel a few things: 1) like dating is so strange, i don’t have it in me to do the whole ritual, it’s not organic, it feels forced, and superficial, it’s not for me, not for who i am right now. 2) it makes me think about aspects of myself that i have struggled a lot to make peace with, such as my appearance, my personality etc through the lens of others, like why would i ever subject myself to such torment, when i know i hate being perceived 3) i am too impatient and disinterested to send the first message or to wait for a response and then to carry on a conversation. there’s more points but ill just keep rambling for eternity. why am i even saying all this, why am i thinking so much about it, clearly this has struck something in me, since i feel so strongly about it and am desperately trying to make sense of it. the thing is. i like who i am. i like how things are going. that is not something i can say like ever. but can now. and i’m doing fine. and i do have the time. to be silly. to waste some. i don’t actually have to do the things, i just want to do them. and a break is never long enough to do everything i ever wanted to do. instead i’ll focus on the progress i’ve made, which is anything but little. i should be and i am extremely proud of myself. oh funny thing happened the other day, i accidentally splashed boiling water onto my face and chest when trying to break a bone in my stockpot. and i gave myself a pretty nasty burn that covers more than half my face. the left side. my left. your right. the side with the mole. anyway, so i dealt with it, i’ve been told to avoid exposing my face to the sun or heat in general. so ive been eating a lot of cold foods. and coincidentally watching that episode on gilmore girls where the dragonfly inn catches fire, and sookie can’t use the stoves until the insurance company pays for the contractor to fix them and she lists cold foods, all types of salads and carpaccios. i don’t eat raw meat/fish and i’m over my salad craze. i’m craving a hot roast chicken sandwich with cold tomatoes and zesty mayo on toasted brioche buns. the way i make it. i’m rlly hungry. and there is this lingering melancholy that just grows if i don’t address it every now and then.

for someone who is absolutely terrible at writing, i sure do write a lot. and this is technically writing. right?

even though things are better, i’m not yet okay. my mind still spins too fast. nothing sticks. i’m in distress because my friends are distress. how can we actually be happy if the ones we love are not. so many people so many attachments. it’s been a while since i’ve even had the mental capacity to care for others. i’m hungry as fuck. something is off, something feels bad. is it my hunger. is it my messed up sleep schedule. is it my perpetually cluttered room. is it the pressure of expectations. is it my godawful health, mental or physical. is it eternal.

i can’t fix everything. i can’t fix anything really. i can’t fix things at a rate fast enough to keep up with the pace of destruction. in this life there is too much to fight against. but also too much to fight for. at least i can take solace in the fact that it ends. which is not so much a fact to me as it is a hope. god forbid the heavens exist. i couldn’t take another minute of being, after i have been so relentlessly my whole life. i’m hungry. i’m scared. i’m hopeful. i’m apprehensive. always anticipating danger but never quite ready for it. nothing is ever right enough. except when i find a bit of poetry that changes the fabric of my being. maybe i just need to be receptive in case some poetry finds its way to little old me.

[uncooldotcom]

this past two weeks ive been moving houses, paying so much shit, assisting to migration appointments which are also tied to doing a bunch of side quests to the bank and to different offices and i also have to balance time to somehow keep up with my job.

everytime i lay in bed i am exhausted out of my brain enough to not feel like i have words to speak and space to think and yet with my body hurting i have to start working.

every night i convince myself that i will take out the trash tomorrow, i will finish putting everything out of boxes and into this new place because i didn’t have the time today.

and in the back of my mind I haven’t finished with buying gifts for christmas even though that’s in two weeks, i haven’t finished that one favor I was asked to do, i haven’t finished scheduling some time with friends and i haven’t finished planning what im gonna eat for dinner.

did i feed my cat? i can’t forget this paper for the appointment tomorrow, it is so so important. fuck i have to take a picture and I need to wash my hair again and what is that fucking weird noise that the fridge is making, I should check that out. God, all the dishes are on the floor. Mom is calling me. I need to have lunch on time to spend time with my wife, I need to go to make that call at 10:30. I need to go sleep now but I didn’t do that important thing for work, I’m sure I can fit it in my schedule tomorrow morning. I need to be faster, I need to be attentive, I need to be talkative, I need to be more. now. Now. NOW.

and yet, I am not. I am not enough.

[sucktacular]

babies first weed delivery from OCS today!! showing up.... at whenever the fuck the decide!! they didnt have my darling favorite Forbidden Fruit from Back40 :((( so I'm trying the ever descriptive "Indica Cartridge" from Community.... this shit better knock me the fuck out!!

i've been sucking on my old "mostly empty" vape carts like a pathetic little goblin for the past week so I'm so ready to get a fresssshhhh concentrated hit right to my brain

baby needs his little treat!!! I was SO GOOD this week and did SO MANY IMPORTANT THINGS!!!! Including call hospital back (oh god the receptionist KNEW IT WAS ME LOL), contact legal aid, clean my room and KEEP IT CLEAN, do dish, DID ALL MY BEDDING AND LAUNDRY!!!!, been taking frankie out for his grass eating adventures, putting some art I've had for months up on my wall, nearly finish my sewing project, etc etc etc. I've been a good boy and I have NO FOREHEAD KISSES TO SHOW FOR IT!! (partner is coming up this monday tho aaaaa >:3c!!!! its been a few weeks since i saw them)

oh and I also dragged my sleep schedule back but the lack of weed has been HELL on my sleep. been too awake to sleep and too sleepy to wake up. u_u so I'm stuck at fall asleep around 4/5am and wake up at 3pm. but thats SO much better than 9/10am sleep and 7/8pm wake :3

anyway i wait for my weed and i ponder once more if I can make myself draw... i want to draw some B art and have been wanting to for months but ive been so stuck in a slump. between social stuff going to HELL, my mental health being in the shitter, my enegry being at absolute 0 if not in the negatives, having other TANGIBLE projects i'd rather do but am also fighting for motivation to do (i prefer tangible projects over digital art but they are both wonderful), etc etc u_u it has NOT been happening wogh

me: woe is me i wish i liked my art more but i always see mistakes and HATE them so much me @ me: you stupid BITCH you have to take that and LEARN THEN and PRACTICE, you CANNOT JUST SIMPLY DWELL me: oh woe is me what if i can never draw as good as i want awoowoowoo me @ me: i hate you. die die die. draw your shit you stupid fuck (soft with love)

anyway uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh end.

[appreciatingtokrev]

OKAY SO during the like week or so while you were gone i got really really REALLY fucking deep into my emo punk bands/bandom hyperfixation and oh my god someone please save me

you don't really have to hear too much abt it if youre uninterested atm since ive infodumped abt this to nearly all my irls who'd listen but if u do thatz cool to :) but yeah uh my bandom hyperfixation got/is getting so bad to the point im referencing real events/theories in my band au fic 😭? esp cuz the two ppl surrounding it are in bands that i headcanon on the tokyorev dudes so yeah it worked way too fucking perfect and im here for it!

but lil spoiler its abt a lot of unrequited izakaku<3333 if you remember that one sanzu x mucho breakup fic i wrote before i kinda hinted the arrival of izana coming back into mucho's life so thatz where the angst comes from. its ur good ol 'i'd die for you but i don't really think you know how serious i am about it' dynamic (again, projecting)

but yes. going into the bandom rabbit hole unexpectedly and never being able to look back has been one of the best and the worst things to happen to me /affectionate. like my sleep schedule is at an all time low my grades arent getting any better and my bf is already having problems of his own with HIS boyfriend (who is also sadly my ex. fucked up i know) BUT. staying up all not consuming media and content from these lil fandoms make that lil whole in my heart rn full for just a few hours so- it means a lot to me yk <3

ANYWAYS i love my emo boys pls ask me abt my emo boys. (u dont have to btw im just insane abt them)

oh oh i am definitely listening!! this feels kinda embarassing to say tbh i know like. zero things abt music most of the time i’m just not interested in more than like three songs from a specific artist/band so yeah never hyperfixated or anything. which means taku dear i have no clue what i should even ask you 😭😭 but but but i am listening, feel free to infodump!! i love absorbing new information <3

also. unrequited izakaku :((( <33