#god ive fucked up my sleep schedule so much

[ashoss]

post patrol jason :)

[orcelito]

Did driving practice today. Actually did parallel parking practice this time, even tho I really didn't want to still. Finally got it into my head that I can maybe do this.

SO......

I have scheduled my driving test. For November 13th, 3 weeks from today.

[linics]

comforting bllk characters

featuring : i. rin, m. reo, m. kaiser

a/n : hi so ummm im back .!!! did you guys miss me ?? anyways my writers block was HORRIBLE but im recovered now i think. let’s ignore how ooc kaisers probably is because its based off of fics ive seen + edits. i’ll redo it later.

i. rin

as i referenced in the one where they comfort you, rin would be very closed off emotionally. even so, he’s like a fucking book with how he behaves.

it doesn’t take you long to realize just how much the u-20 game affected him. as much as he tried to turn his annoyance into motivation and actually doing something with it, sometimes it would become too much. whether that looks like him overworking himself or lashing out, it’ll always show through.

the most you could do is make sure he stays safe during it. showing up to the field at weird hours, ruining your sleep schedule, just to give him more water and a ride home considering he ran all the way there.

“why’re you here?” he’d scoff, panting slightly from all the work.

“woke up early, thought i’d stop by,” you lied, yes, but it was fine. he didn’t need to know you’d set at least 10 alarms to make sure you’d wake up and stay up.

he didn’t respond, so you just handed him a large water bottle. it was a spare, but it also was the biggest you’d had, so it’d have to make do.

“thanks.” he mumbled, his voice barely audible. the cold barrier that’d been there slowly flexing and melting away.

he wasn’t someone that you could just befriend instantly. every time the two of you hung out, you’d have to prove to him that you were there to stay. it was gradual.

most people gave up after the first couple of times when they realized they were practically back to where they started. that was except for you.

after taking a few sips of the water, he hands it back to you, not wanting it to interfere with his training. you grabbed it from him, then wandered over to the sidelines.

“where are you going?” he asked, though, if you paid enough attention, you’d notice he was anxious. very anxious.

“just over here, i don’t want you to hit me..” you said calmly, trying to lighten it slightly. you were careful to not wander too far from him.

he didn’t say anything to you afterwards, but you noticed the tension loosened again.

even though he wouldn’t let you interfere — which you have tried — he’d still let you care for him. maybe he knew it was because you’d get anxious and blame yourself if he didn’t let you help in some way.

m. reo

he would be anxious. i don’t care if this is ‘out of character’. for the most part, yeah he doesn’t stress much because he hasn’t had much to worry about. but the second he gets stressed out, he stresses, a lot. and because he hasn’t been exposed to much stress, he’s absolutely clueless on how to cope.

he’d be laying in bed — at his desk now? nope, he’s pacing. point being, he just can’t sit still, and god, he won’t stop babbling about nonsense.

“reo.” for the hundredth time, he’d cut you off completely. this was coming from the guy who felt it was rude to type when other people were typing, so you let it slide.

“and then — oh yeah, did you say something?” finally, some recognition.

“come sit down in front of me,” you pat the bed, clearing off the blankets so he could just crawl in. he did just that, sitting in front of you, his back facing you.

“like this?” he was always so hesitant with you. but you just responded in a hum of approval. you carefully started combing through his hair with your fingers, occasionally grazing his scalp and briefly massaging it. his hair was silky and clean.

he became quieter, his muscles slowly relaxing and calming.

“so, you wanna tell me what’s wrong?” you spoke quietly, careful to not ruin the calmness of the moment.

“it’s nothing big—” you stopped in your movements as he said that, and he knew that meant you were displeased.

“okay, okay, fine..” he mumbled.

m. kaiser

okay so.. i feel like now’s the perfect time for me to say i have not gotten to where he is in the manga. um! so what i planned to do for this is write how i think he acts, then correct it later on whenever i do catch up. i think i get him a bit though ?? currently i see him as a self destructive possibly alcoholic man. who takes after his dad who was abusive and an alcoholic, mom wasn’t in the picture. no clue how any of that relates to soccer but sure! i’ve heard a lot that he hits himself / chokes himself as a way of coping (after doing some research it’s for ideas. okay.) so that’s the route we’re gonna take with that. no clue if it’s true or not.

he really didn’t get it. no matter how much he tried, he couldn’t figure himself out. how was he supposed to understand others and beat others if he couldn’t even understand himself? he needed ideas—

was it illogical? yes, absolutely. did it work? also yes.

adrenaline from anything could be put to use to benefit. so, he did the thing he’s done for ages. maybe he’s began to rely on it for too long so he reached to it for the smallest things, he didn’t really care, though.

it worked, and until it stopped working, he wouldn’t stop abusing his body for his brain. it was nothing more than a vessel, anyways.

“kaiser.” even through your voice, his choking movements didn’t falter.

“just fuckin’ stop for a moment-” you were the only person he really let talk to him like that, even though it wasn’t often that you took advantage of it.

it worked enough for him to stop, just for a moment and catch his breath. it’s not like he wanted to pass out, anyways. the second he let go, you grabbed his hands.

“what is it?” he huffed, his voice groggy and rough.

“don’t do that. ‘what is it?’, you know exactly what it is.” it wasn’t uncommon for you to be mad at him or mildly rude, but even keeping it up for this long was abnormal.

“it works, well, it would’ve, if you didn’t disrupt me.” he rolled his eyes.

“that’s not the point and you know it.”

“then what is it?”

there was a silence for a few moments before you just decided to ask outright.

“what do you need help with this time?” you were still a bit petty, but you just hoped he wouldn’t pay too much attention to it.

“doesn’t concern you.”

“i’ll make it concern me. tell me.”

“why would i do that?”

god, was he always this annoying?

“okay, fine, whatever it is, i won’t interfere. how about you tell me, and if i can’t think of a solution by tomorrow, you can do whatever this is.”

there was another long silence as he considered it. it was appealing — all he had to do was tell you, and you could do all the work. the backup was there and it was exactly what he wanted. there wasn’t much time left in the day anyways.

“fine. tomorrow first thing.”

[pupyuj]

[cw: cnc (reader receiving ofc), g!p ive, somnophilia, exhibitionism, degradation, humiliation, spanking, slapping, etc. (there’s just… a lot going on)]

been having cnc thoughts with ive so this is what i came up with! i’ll try to get some asks done and ehehe i’ve been working on a new fic for a while but ofc i get the block sdkdhsj.. BUT i’ll get out of this little predicament and hopefully come back w more food for you guys 🥰 i hope this was okay! i’m still tryna get my groove back 🤕🙏

p.s. this is like, long asf for no reason so have fun guys! 😭😘

everybody knew (y/n) (l/n) as ive’s brightest little star that was pretty much perfect in all aspects ☺️ nobody adores you more than your members though! you’re their battery, their personal motivational speaker.. but sometimes there’s a better use for you than simple bear hugs and little kisses.. you were the elder members’ toy, and they all love to use you in different ways… 😵‍💫

yujin gets real busy so she doesn’t have a lot of time to relax and do whatever she wants 🙁 poor girl barely has enough time to just sit and watch her favorite show before she has to leave for another schedule! she’s exhausted, angry, and most importantly, so fucking needy 🤭 so one day, she'd come home all tired and grumpy as she usually was... walks lazily towards the bathroom to get changed and wash her face when she notices an underwear of yours haphazardly thrown on the floor, missing the laundry basket nearby... and ofc yujin gets hard! it was annoying, really! how easy she gets horny whenever she sees you or thinks of you—you were too pretty! soon enough, yujin would sneak inside your room all hot and bothered, more than grateful that you were wearing the shortest shorts and the thinnest tank top in your closet.. fuck, yujin could practically cum at the sight of you alone!! yujin never liked touching you without your permission, but she remembered how you never fail to tell any of the unnies about how they "can use you however and whenever they want" and how "you wouldn't have a problem with it".

you were in deep sleep, so you didn't do or say anything at all when yujin swiftly gets rid of your shorts and it turns out you weren't wearing panties at all! god, you were such a slut—you just figured one of the unnies would come into your room and fuck you silly while you're asleep 🤭🤭 best believe yujin would be fully erect with even just the thought of fucking you in your sleep, so taking off her pants was quite ‘liberating’ in sense! ugdhhfhcbsig baby whimpering as she slowly inserts her cock inside you, practically drooling at how tight your pussy was! 😵‍💫 she gets a little scared when you stirred slightly, but then starts thrusting into you in a steady pace once she realizes you weren’t going to wake up any time soon 🫣 omgomg her whining in your ear bcs it’s been so long since she’s been inside you 🥺 sure it might be more fun if you’re awake (yujin needs a good riding right now actually…) but yujin couldn’t wait for that!! and now because she was thrusting inside you so fast and deep, naturally you’re wake up 😰 but you couldn’t even do anything bcs yujin’s pushed your head down to your pillows, telling you to “not say a fucking word” and “take it” and ofc you do that bcs who were you if not yujin’s stupid little pet?? 😋

biting your lip while yujin’s grip on your hair tightens more and more the closer she gets to her climax, afraid of waking the other members up and disturbing their rest :(( yujin pulling your head up roughly just to get a mix of a moan and pained sound out of you.. oh she fucking loved it 😙 seeing you look at her with both fear and lust in your eyes was what made yujin cum! filling you up to the brim but the two of you were far from finished! you haven’t cum yet after all… so expect yujin to manhandle you for the rest of the night bcs one thing she wants more than fucking the lights out of her pretty doll? control.

now… gaeul doesn’t know why but you had a real knack for pissing her off 😒 she never had too much of a problem with it before bcs most of the time you were just doing it for the camera to establish a cute little dynamic between the two of you for the fans to see! it was all fun and games until one day you went too far and gaeul just snaps 😔 the two of you were fooling around in an empty waiting room—making out and being touchy and all that, then you made a stupid joke which gaeul laughed off at first… but then you started to outright insult her and it wasn’t until gaeul has slapped you to shut you up that she realized that oh!! that was what you wanted out of her!! well, that angry reaction anyway… the whole bending you over in front of a vanity mirror and forcing you to watch yourself get fucked from behind was a surprise, but a welcome one 😋😋 she’d ignore your whining about how your hair, makeup, and outfit’s gonna get ruined, only grinning in response when she sees your shaking your head at her desperately bcs it was all becoming too much :(( her cock and her grip on around the back of your neck.. her other hand holding your hip, keeping you steady while she slams into your walls… and now what gaeul couldn’t ignore were your tears, and the pitiful way you’ve started sobbing ☹️

gaeul would’ve stopped right there (she would never want to hurt you on purpose! well except when she slapped you earlier—)… if it wasn’t for the fact that you subtly started to push back into her when she slowed her thrusts bcs she had been worried 🫣🫣 gaeul looking at you all confused and a bit conflicted bcs you literally were sobbing but you looked back at her, urging her to keep going, to keep ruining you… and you didn’t have to tell gaeul twice for her to do just that! “look at how much of a slut you are for me.” her now gripping your hair and pulling you up so you’d look directly at her through the mirror… oh that condescending look in her eyes mixed w disgust and annoyance.. you could’ve cum right there, really! but you knew gaeul would be disappointed if you did so you just stayed there, bent over and spread open like the good pet that you were 🤭 with how loud the two of you were, you were surprised that nobody has come in and interrupted you.. or maybe the noises drove everyone away! 🤔

eughfhdhc the thought of people outside the room hearing all of this.. somehow the idea did nothing but turn you on even more!! now you were moaning gaeul’s name even louder, calling her all of the names she likes through your sobs and whimpers… eventually gaeul feels you claw at her wrist, and that was when she finally came and with you, too!! 😋 as mean as she was, gaeul will definitely kiss the cheek she slapped an infinite amount of times and apologize 🥺 even though she knows it wasn’t going to be the last time you were gonna pull that stunt on her…

rei loves taking care of you! out of all the members, she was the one you stuck to all the time! everyone knows rei and (y/n) are attached to the hip, the pretty best friends who have the best instagram feeds due to each other being their own personal photographer… basically, you and rei were inseparable! 🥰 she knows you like the back of her hand, inside (😉) and out—all that stuff! the two of you didn’t fuck much, mostly bcs all you wanted to do when you’re together was gossip, make jokes, go to pretty places to take pretty pictures of each other… sure you’ll make out every now and then but ultimately, rei doesn’t touch you unless the mood strikes her 😙 and apparently, you coming home drunk out of your mind after a fun night out with your other friends was a good time for ‘the mood’ to hit rei 😚 her swinging the door open and seeing your flushed face, lazy smile, and messy hair.. she didn’t like the smell of alcohol no matter how fancy it was but when it came from you, it smelled nice enough! and then partnered with the very outfit rei helped put together… well, who could blame her for getting so hard?! by the time she sat you down on the couch, her cock was practically begging to be freed but she ignored that feeling for a while! giving you a glass of water to drink, taking off your jacket for you, caressing your hair and pushing strands away from your face.. god, who allowed you to be this pretty??

as rei slowly left kisses from your collarbone up to your jawline, she wondered if it was okay to take advantage of your dazed state like this.. it had to be, right?? you were the one who said the unnies can do whatever they want to you whenever… and rei wasn’t stupid—she knew you just wanted to get fucked for no reason bcs you were a stupid slut. she knew you better than anyone! in fact, she gets a pass for all of this, she’s your best friend after all 😚 it didn’t take long until she had you laying on the couch, with your pants and underwear removed and legs wide open and ready just for her… rei licking her lips at the sight of your wet pussy clenching around nothing, oh how she couldn’t wait to make your scream her name tonight.. 😋 you were exhausted though, barely processing anything that was happening until you felt something stiff and hard entering your pussy.. panic rushes into you until your eyes met rei’s, and then it was just a wave of emotions flooding through your head… confusion, lust, thrill.. and then even more panic when rei pushes in further, moaning loudly at the feeling.. you don’t know why it pained you so, perhaps you weren’t used to feeling rei inside you or maybe it’s bcs you clearly weren’t in the right state of mind to be doing this but fuck, why did that fact turn you on??! but your mind goes blank when rei decided to just force her entire length inside you, her ears tingling at the sound of your choked moan, wanting to hear more until your voice was gone...

"s-so big..." aww you were so cute underneath rei as you whined and weakly tugged on her shirt 🥺 but ugh as much as this all ‘weirdly’ felt good, you just wanted to have a good shower and sleep till the next afternoon.. but rei was intent on keeping you where you were when she pinned both of your hands above your head, using her other hand to clamp your mouth shut when you started to whine in protest 😤 tells you to “be a good slut” and ofc you didn’t want to disappoint your best friend so laid there and let her use you to her heart’s content! rei needed it anyway, what with everything she’s had on her shoulders as of late.. and you would never pass up on the opportunity to be of use to your unnies! after rei’s breeded you for hours on end, expect to be coddled and babied for the next week 💕 perhaps even spoiled 👀 (maybe it’s time i write sugar mommy rei actually…)

now wony… wonyoung’s got a lot to express, okay?! between living up to her ‘perfect idol’ image, schedules, and practices, you can’t exactly blame her when she suddenly just decides she wants to pull you to a corner and fuck you like it’s her last! every time she fucks you there’s always a sense of urgency in her actions… as if the world will explode if fucks you a second longer than she planned 😗 sometimes you feel like just another ‘activity’ in wonyoung’s calendar, there would be a specific date, time, and location when she wants to play with you and truthfully, it makes you feel shitty! she makes you feel shitty! god, the things she does and says to you??? you’re so lucky you’re such a slut that’s super into being practically bullied and humiliated… otherwise you’d be crying while she fucked you (but she’d probably love that) 😙 that ‘urgency’ makes wonyoung do a little of risky things.. especially if she’s desperate and wants to get off to let her frustrations out! all of ive would be alone in a waiting room and she’d literally daydream about fucking you right where you sat and laughed with yujin and rei… then she’d send leeseo out on an adventure (the baby will NOT see this fucking shit AT ALL in her life, wonyoung will make sure of it) before asking you, from across the goddamn room, to suck her cock 😀😀 there would be a pause, then the change in the atmosphere would make you shiver as wonyoung held your confused stare with a confident glare of her own… her ego only getting bigger when yujin nudges you and tells you to obey wony with a knowing smirk… evil, evil girls 🫣

ofc you were scared so you’d be frozen in your seat, trying to figure out if they were all joking or not but nope, they were 100% serious!! frustrated, wony takes up the space in between you and rei, not even giving you a minute to form a thought before lifting her skirt up, pulling her dick out of her compression shorts, and grabbing you by the back of your head 😵‍💫 “you know i don’t like repeating myself, (y/n)-ah.. nor do i like being denied of my pleasure…” and then she was balls deep inside your throat 🤤🤤 she simply loved how your mouth fit around her cock like a glove, making sure to control your pace so that your lips drag on her entire length.. finding joy in the way you’d gag and choke whenever she hits the back of your throat… even your tight grip on her thigh added to the fun—your tears too, ofc!! she’s sick, smiling wickedly while she listens to your muffled moans and your attempts to breathe but failing.. wony would feel bad but you clearly liked this! you weren’t protesting, you weren’t tapping out, you weren’t looking around trying to ask the other unnies for help… in fact, gaeul had already pulled her phone out and started recording you but you didn’t seem to mind! 🫣🫣

“f-fuck, really..? in front of your u-unnies and in a p-place where—oh, shit..!—we could easily be caught?? you’re disgusting…” you can’t see wonyoung but you can just imagine a psychotic expression on her pretty face while she said those words.. nothing makes her more happy than knowing that she can do literally anything and everything to you whenever and wherever… “where next, hm..? o-on stage? in front of dives? y-you wanna show them.. ahh… who you really are?” wonyoung, as well as the rest of the unnies, would burn the entire world if anybody else saw you like they do but it was a nice tease… pulling you up briefly so you could answer.. you frantically shaking your head no bcs the thought genuinely mortified you, then wony laughing at how panicked you looked bcs you knew that if she was pissed enough she would terrorize you during a fansign or something… after a while, she’d be done playing games—moving your head up and down so fast that you can barely keep up ☹️ she’s so desperate to cum it’s not even funny!! and when she did, she came a lot 😋 yujinnie making sure that every single drop is not wasted so she keeps your head down since wony had gone limp, they’re all cruel really 😣😣 but wonyoung, being a gentlewoman, is the one who cleans you up and returns you to your presentable state! becomes super soft bcs she knows she goes overboard sometimes 💔

jiwon is one strange case! she’s lowkey a perv and touches you inappropriately all the time but when it comes to actually fucking… well, suddenly she’s stupid 😭😭 either way, when you told the unnies they can use you… jiwon got more than a few ideas as to how exactly she’ll use you, but never had the courage to do it all! ☹️ but then you’ll find yourself in a situation that completely mirrors that one drunken experience with rei… this time around, jiwon came home completely wasted! she and yujin apparently had too much fun and now you were left to take care of the blondie 😙 she’s slurring, she’s stumbling, falling all over… can’t even take a step without needing to lean towards the wall to support herself 😭 she was GONE gone 💔 and when you hurried over to her side to help her, jiwon catches a whiff of your perfume and her entire demeanor completely changes!! 🫣 “w-what is that perfume you’re wearing..? smells nice… can i…” then she’s hugging you?? face down on your chest, sniffing your shirt, while her hands groped your ass?? “unnie.. come on don’t do this here… we need to get you to your room so you can rest up..” but nope jiwon refuses to listen! your scent alone was enough for her cock to stiffen right up…

first things first though—she has to feel how tight you are with her fingers 😵‍💫😵‍💫 subtly unzipping your jean shorts and slipping her hand inside your panties… literally moaning at how soaked you were, trailing her fingers along your folds as she leaves sloppy wet kisses on your neck.. god it was as if jiwon was completely hypnotized by your scent, going as far as to inhaling your hair and getting her boxers all wet bcs of all the precum that was leaking out of her… being so weak that you don’t do much when she presses your back against the wall 🫣 now rubbing your clit gently.. who knows how many marks she has left on your neck and chest at this point?? she doesn’t care! and jiwon barely bats an eyelash when she hears a pained squeak from you as she suddenly inserts two long fingers inside in your cunt 😵‍💫 she could practically cum at how your tightness just sucks her fingers in.. you’re squirming but you were clenching all around her! and she doesn’t miss the way you’re slightly grinding on her hand.. so she continues her work, fingering you in the best way she knows how… her free hand roaming anywhere she could touch until she grabs a fistful of your hair so you could look at her before she crashes her lips into yours 😋 jiwonie kissing you feverishly and getting so lost in your taste that she doesn’t notice you tightly gripping her wrist bcs she was going too fast… not that she’d care if she noticed anyway 🤭

“mmhn.. need to feel you on me…” jiwon moans in between kisses.. her being so knuckle-deep inside you that it hurts a little but jiwon showed absolutely no signs of stopping! she needs to hear you scream her name, needs to see you cream all over her hand… you looked so pretty with your neck all marked up and a bit of your lower lil bleeding bcs jiwon bit you while kissing you… nobody can blame her for pushing you over the edge to the extreme and making you cry as you came!! 🫣 jiwonie shushing you bcs you ended up being so loud, giggling a little seeing your tears and your swollen lips 🤭 definitely makes you clean up the mess you made on her hand, barely giving you time to react before she’s dragging you to her bedroom by your shirt, more than ready to ruin you until sunrise 🤤

[realbeefman]

Do you have any good house fic recs? I am Struggling with my search.

for sure! although Disclaimer, i havent been reading house fanfic for very long and ive pretty much only read house/wilson so far, SO this is more of a hilson fic rec list than anything lol

Warning Signs by out_there - oneshot, 12k words, Wilson-POV, set around the end of s3. SUCH A GOOD FIC i laughed so much while reading this. genuinely delightful. possibly my fav house fic i’ve ever had the pleasure of reading.

The Line of Thought by tevinterimperium - oneshot, 12k, Wilson-POV, set after s3 e15. THEEE classic fake-dating AU. this was the first fic i read in this fandom and it absolutely fucks. im a SAP i love a good “no homo but OH GOD THE FEELINGS” plot!!

Desert Mesa Motel - 8 miles outside of Kingman, Arizona - 12:03 AM by plorp - ficlet, 1k, House-POV, post-canon. this makes me BAWL. very very good fic but SAD. and DEPRESSING. will make you CRY/pos

How Not To Be Boring by fourleggedfish - incomplete/abandoned, 497k, Wilson-POV, AU from around mid-s5. if u like whump (which i absolutely do) u will probably like this fic. if u are squicked out by sex, u will hate it bc these guys bang 24/7. this fic had me pacing, glued to my phone, sick to my stomach, crying (several times), and obliterated my sleep schedule. i can’t rec it highly enough. every chapters includes appropriate content warnings, but some major themes that appear throughout are character death (not of main characters), the aftermath of severe child abuse, and mental illness. if any of these topics are a trigger for you, please don’t read this work.

Forsake Me Here by MonsterBoyf - complete, 8k, Wilson-POV, ambiguous setting. Wilson has intrusive thoughts about mutilating House. He tries to cope. features a lot of very graphic imagery and does an excellent but extremely accurate job of portraying an OCD-spiral that could be triggering to people. i LOVE this fic i think about it so so much.

An Inconvenient Truth by anathaema - complete, 15k, House-POV, ambiguous setting. contains the quote “You’re the suicide bomber of revelations” and is one of the funniest things i’ve ever read. plus the way in which wilson’s sexuality in this fic is handled is honestly so realistic and entertaining. HIGHLY recc this to absolutely everyone who enjoys hilson

the more it took away by scribespirare - oneshot, 10k, House-POV, ambiguous setting. Omega!House has his first heat since presenting. Alpha!Wilson helps him through it. I LOVE OMEGAVERSE AND I LOVE FUCK OR DIE AND I LOVE THE WAY THIS FIC HANDLES THIS IS JUST GRAHHHH. If u don’t enjoy omegaverse u won’t like this but i can’t make a house fic rec list and NOT include this one

Aftershocks by black_cigarette - series, around 125k in total, various POV’s, set sometime post-Tritter arc. this fic IS gen, but honestly, i didn’t know that going in and didn’t realize it wasn’t a slash fic until the very end. tldr is that wilson is brutally assaulted because house has been gambling with some unsavory people, and house helps him deal with the aftermath. this fic does not pull punches. its is extremely graphic and everything wilson goes through is described in detail. it is a messy story about recovering from brutal trauma and everything that entails. DISCLAIMER: there are sequel(s) to this series available on the author’s livejournal, but i haven’t read them and can’t speak to anything they discuss.

no need to worry (making up your mind) by scribespirare - complete, 25k, House-POV, set sometime in the early seasons. House lies about having a Jewish boyfriend to get out of visiting his mother at Christmas. Things quickly get out of hand. THIS FIC IS SOOO *tears into it with my teeth*. I love when they scheme together <3

[telecastkiss]

RRAAAHHH MORE ZOMBOID!!!!! Oh my god- so back on like the 26th (dec) I decided to take a look and see about joining a PZ rp server and HOLY SHIT!!! IT IS SO MUCH FUN!!!!!! I love the server so much

my character is so much fun, interacting with everybody is awesome.

the only downside is that its fucked up my sleep schedule so badly its not even funny

its currently 4 am and ive been online playing since like 8:30 pm

whatever- im having fun

[chosen-hero-inari]

Whumptober Day 8: Sleep Deprivation

5 Times The Phantom Thieves Didn't Sleep + 1 Time They Did

I

Hey, let’s meet up at Mementos today.

Yusuke’s ashamed of the tension that goes through his back at that text. The literature professor had decided to give them all a surprise take-home paper to write and turn in by tomorrow, and he really needs to work on it.

But, he can’t let his grades come before making sure his friends are ok, can he? Or the people who made those requests. It’s not a problem, he can just work late tonight. And take some time to work on that piece for class.

He’ll be fine with only a couple of hours of sleep.

II

“Makoto?” Sae asks. “You’re back late.”

“Sorry, busy with some work after school,” Makoto replies, yawning. If it’s resolving a Mementos request for another student, then technically it’s Student Council work. It’s her responsibility as Student Council President to resolve it at least.

“Are you prepared for your exam at cram school tomorrow?”

Makoto blinks. “Huh?”

“Makoto! I’m paying for you to go and–”

“No, I meant, erm why would you even bother to ask that?” Makoto chuckles. “Obviously I’m ready for it!”

“Good, even if it’s a practice exam, it’s important to be confident now so you’re even more prepared for your entrance exams.”

Makoto goes to the kitchen and makes herself a pot of coffee. She shouldn’t be up too late.

III

“Does this shit make any sense to you?” Ryuji asks.

“Nope,” Ann sighs. Putting the math textbook down. Two heads are supposed to be better than one, but maybe math homework is just too powerful for that.

“God,” Ryuji says, “I feel like you’re gonna call me a shithead for this.”

“I call you a shithead for a lot of things, what is it?”

“It fucking sucks that Ren asked us to go to Mementos today.”

“Honestly? Hard agree.” They’d invited Ren to their homework session today, but he’d never gotten back to them. Not that he needed it, but you know, it was always nice to hang out.

Except they wanted to do this in the afternoon, when they’d have more time and could meet at a cafe.

Instead, Ren decided today was the best day for requests.

“What if we blocked off Mementos for like, Wednesdays?” Ryuji suggests. “Then we can schedule around it better?”

“But what if a request is urgent. Plus Palace stuff.”

“Ugh, you’re right.”

Ann flops back and lets the textbook cover her face.

“Ann?”

“Yeah.”

“I kinda hate that I can’t tell him no.”

“Yeah, I know but like, it’s whatever?” Ann says. “That’s just part of being a student and a Phantom Thief, I guess.”

IV

Haru practically dives for the phone when she hears it ring. “Futaba-chan?”

“Hey, I got the info you wanted,” Futaba says. “This investor seems pretty clean.”

“Oh my gosh, thank you so much,” Haru says. “I’m supposed to get this report in to the investors tomorrow and I can’t ask for a delay and I wasn’t sure who to trust and–”

“Hey, no problem!” Futaba says. “Just don’t tell them you heard it from me.”

“Thank you, I owe you so much, Futaba-chan.”

“No prob, I’m probably gonna pass out, how about you?”

“I can’t, there are still things I need to arrange with my father’s will and then I’m meeting with lawyers in the morning, goodness I need more coffee!”

“How much have you had?” Futaba asks.

“Oh, four or five–”

“Cups?”

“Pots.”

“Holy shit, Haru!”

“I know, I know,” Haru says. “I was going to do all of this after school but then we had that Mementos run and now I have to do it all before morning.”

“You should have just told Ren you couldn’t make it! He gets we have lives, it’s not like he hangs out with us every time we ask.”

“Mementos is different Futaba, you know that. I’ll talk to you later.” Haru hangs up and gets back to work.

V

It’s not wrong to hack her friends’ phones if she’s genuinely concerned for their well-being, Futaba tells herself.

Besides, taking a quick peak at their calendars is like, barely snooping. She could text and ask them but she’s really hoping they’re asleep.

She’s not, but she doesn’t have school in the morning. She can go to bed at 7am and still get the proper eight hours of sleep a growing girl needs.

She and Morgana are the only ones who aren't students and Phantom Thieves though, and oh boy is being a high school student busy.

Let’s see, Makoto has an exam at cram school tomorrow, Haru had that meeting they were just talking about, Ryuji and Ann were texting (ok texts were a bit more snooping than calendars, but like, it’s important!) about meeting up to do a bunch of homework they’d put off while they were clearing Sae’s Palace, and Yusuke had an email reminder from a teacher about an essay.

And none of them had brought any of this up when Ren asked them all to go to Mementos today.

Damn, looks like Futaba has to be the responsible one.

+1

Ren doesn’t know why Futaba suddenly suggested group movie night, but hey, it’s always good when she wants to be social, and his schedule’s free now that they’ve finished up the requests.

They all gather around the attic, and Ren’s a little worried about them all watching the tiny TV, but it’s not really a problem, because pretty much everyone else falls asleep by the fifteen-minute mark.

“Wow, they’re tired,” Ren says. “Guess they don’t have Mona to tell them to get to bed early.”

“Uh, Ren about that?” Futaba asks. “Do you ask if anyone has stuff going on before saying to meet up for Phantom Thief stuff?”

Ren blinks. “I mean, I guess not but I figure they’ll tell me if it’s super urgent.”

“Ok, but see, I think they don’t,” Futaba says. “I actually asked all of them about it, and they feel really bad about canceling Mementos plans, so they push all their stuff back and do it at night. Like none of them got any sleep the last couple of days.”

Ren furrows his brows. He kinda, hasn’t thought about how his friends are always willing to show up when he calls for a meeting, even on days they’re not normally free to hang out. He just, you know, figured they did the same things he did. He doesn’t have a problem getting everything done before going to Mementos.

Then again, he’s the one picking Mementos days because he has nothing else going on.

“I’m a shit leader,” Ren says head hanging back.

“No, I don’t think you’re shit!” Morgana says. “We just gotta tell them they don’t have to come to Mementos if they’re busy, it’s not a problem to push it back.”

“We could like, make a group calendar?” Futaba suggests. “Plan ahead a little bit? I mean Palaces and emergencies are one thing, but I dunno, maybe everyone can plan better and say if they super duper can’t?”

“Yeah,” Ren says. “But uh, let’s do that later. They look like they need their sleep right now.”

[muffinsin]

Hey Muffin! Ive had an idea for a while. Some CassxDonna goodness request ig, i dont fucking know how to request shit

I also have like this vison in my head of Donna working on a doll or some other commission. Like super stressed out cuz its not going just how she wants it*Perfectionist Donna ofc* And rambunctious Angie is being chased by Cassie, tryin to have her steer clear of Donna when she is working you know? But somehow Angie gets in and ofc breaks something *that Donna had just finished* Angie just giggles and runs out will Cass is like 0_0. Leaving Cass with a very very angry and rather pent up Donna who has been working countless hours, no sleep, and ofc that means no hot sex with her lover. SO how would Donna react to this? Lets say Cass has on one of the dresses donna hand made for her, maybe one of Donna's favorites.

I'd love to see ur HC's on this

-Flyin Rizz

This is interesting!👀 and would you look at that! Some Cassandra x Donna content! XD (No smut in this but some suggestive phrases here and there)

Let’s get into it!🙌

Masterlists

It’s not uncommon for Donna to get very invested in her work. She crafts things on a daily basis, whether this is dolls, clothing, accessories, or toys

Everyone at the beneviento manor knows of her tendency to get really into her work, abandoning her regular sleeping schedule, most mealtimes and just about anything outside of her work until her piece of finished

In this case, a doll. A beautiful one, dressed in a light blue summer dress, according to the blueprints and sketches the dollmaker has messily drawn

Agatha, if Cassandra remembers correctly, a future play-partner for keeping Angie entertained

She, like all the dolls residing at Donna’s manor, is very much aware of how meticulous Donna works

And how badly she wants this doll in particular to be perfect

She brings her food and tea occasionally when she worries her lover gets too into her work, her posture straightening when Donna, even in her focused state, scolds her for the blood coating her and daring to slip down and mess the beautiful dress she is put in

While wearing her signature black dress at the castle and on hunts, her attire is quite different when visiting her girlfriend at her manor

The dress is to be discarded and replaced nearly immediately whenever she visits, instead replaced with one of the many Donna likes to craft for her

Whether light pink, lilac, yellow, red or white, they all share an older, more elegant aesthetic, so that Cassandra often feels as if dressed similarly, if not nearly the same way as most of the dolls sitting tight and proper for Donna

Not that this is entirely inaccurate in her case, in most scenarios

While Cassandra has learned not to disturb her girlfriend in such times, lest she wants to face dire consequences, Angie’s mindset is a little different

Fuelled by her excitement and anticipation of getting a new friend to play with, and her boredom stemming from Donna’s lack of attention during the many hours of the day she sits locked in the workshop, she likes to stir trouble

Trouble, which often consists of multiple things

1), to steal one of Cassandra’s weapons and force her to chase her about. Once or twice she has fallen for it and followed the mischievous doll outside, only to receive proper punishment after getting her dress muddy in the process

2), making a mess of the house and playing god while she watches other dolls clean it up again. She especially enjoys putting some of the blame on the Dimitrescu and watching her clean her mess off the counters, a sour grimace on her face

And lastly, a good old chase around the house, which usually, sadly, comes with many broken decorative plates, vases, flowerpots, paintings off the walls, and carpets curling in on themselves

Normally, Donna is capable of handling this. And normally, Cassandra couldn’t care less

However, with her girlfriend on edge after more than a week of intense working and perfecting her craft, restlessness and no true stress reliever, she knows it’s best not to test her

Naturally, Angie thinks differently

And as such Cassandra finds herself chasing after the little doll, frantically trying to keep the vases from tipping over and the paintings from falling from the walls

She chases her through the kitchen and dodges the many, tiny handfuls of flour thrown her way, yet when she reaches out to grab Angie, the doll only blows some of the flour in her face

And as such their chase continues

Down the halls, through the office where Cassandra throws herself against a wobbling shelf to keep it from falling

She knows, she would pay bitterly if Donna had to reorganise and put all the books and files back in

Yet, golden eyes widen when Angie nears the workshop. With a mischievous smile nonetheless

She slips through the small gap at the office, and Cassandra has no choice but to follow, swarming fast through the small tunnel and manifesting again at the other side. She barely still catches Angie’s veil as she rounds the corner

More and more, she catches up with each second

Then, she freezes when both of them stop dead in their tracks in front of the large, wooden doors leading into the workshop

“Angie!”, she hisses quietly, her hands fisting at the embarrassingly sweet dress she is put in

She doesn’t quite notice the state it’s in after her swarming through the dirty gap at the office, yet is soon about to find out about it

With wide, horrified eyes, she watches the door open just a crack for Angie to slip inside

Naturally, she follows

Her posture automatically straightens when she sees Donna across the room, her back turned to her and her fingers working meticulously on what seems to be the sketch of a dress

Cassandra gulps and hurries to the other side of the room when she sees Angie stand next to one of the dolls sitting on the shelf

It hasn’t get been brought to life, yet Cassandra knows it took her lover days to craft and paint it

As expected, it’s given a small push, and the brunette throws herself forwards to catch it. She sighs, her eyes closing for a mere moment when she manages to grasp the precious doll just before it hit the floor

Then, she flinches at the sound of broken porcelain. The torso, one of the few parts of the doll Donna has- after days- finished

Before she can act or even consider her next moves, the mischievous doll slips away behind the other dolls and Cassandra feels strong, thick vines shoot out from the plant pots next to her and tangle around her wrists, seemingly automatically

She hisses when her lower face is grabbed, then gasps upon realising her girlfriend stands in front of her, her free hand twitching in anger, her dark eye set on Cassandra

“I didn’t do it! It was A-AgnmMm!”

She can only whine and whimper pitifully when a slip of paper, the one containing scribblings of the dress, is crumpled and shoved in her mouth to gag her

Wide, dark golden eyes look up at a dark, nearly black one, as though begging for forgiveness. As though to protest: she didn’t do it!

Yet, there is one found. Donna is painfully riled up, and this seems to have simply pushed her over the edge

Cassandra’s shriek is muffled as dark, auburn hair is grabbed and used to yank her head to face Donna. She watches when the broken torso is raised to her face and whines in discomfort when its sharp edge is dragged alongside her cheek

For a moment, the dollmaker doesn’t talk. Her dark eye bores into Cassandra, her face sporting an angry frown

She whimpers when blood begins to drip from the cut and runs down her pale cheek. Before it can drip to the dirtied collar of her dress, however, it is caught with a fingertip

“Have you got any idea how long it took to craft this, doll?”

Her head spins at the low, raspy voice of her lover

All she can do is shake her head. With Angie gone and having left her in this compromising position, and the paper in her mouth keeping her shut up efficiently, she can only listen and whimper occasionally

Donna’s jaw clenches, and Cassandra jumps in surprise when the porcelain is dropped again

The vines around her wrists ease their hold, yet the one on her hair only tightens. She groans lowly when a skilled, pale hand wraps around her throat and strong, careful fingers dig into her neck

Perhaps, she shouldn’t be enjoying this so much. Yet, she can’t help it

She can’t help but melt into the touch, to push herself against the hand around her throat and to look through thick eyelashes to meet Donna’s dark eye with her golden ones

Then, she shrieks when the fingers suddenly yank her hair, tugging and yanking as though it was a leash making her follow like an obedient mutt

Naturally, Cassandra immediately attempts to protest and talk about the small doll when she is tugged along, across to the workbench and pushed hard against it

Of course, Donna has nothing of it

“You’re a brat today, doll... If you will not admit to your guilt, you will not talk at all”, she hisses

Her hair is released, and her eyes still follow every move of her lover’s skilled hands. Petite as they may look, she knows of the strength they possess, and the power they wield

Cassandra’s eyes widen in realisation when she finds her lover taking in her appearance

Her dress, so lovingly created, filthy of blood from her hunt and the dirt from the gap. Her face, partly covered in a fine layer of flour and blood, only adds to her messy state

She gulps when Donna’s hands grasp her collar tightly as it is cleaned. She is manoeuvred rather roughly, until some of the dirt is brushed off again at least

Her wrists are grabbed next, tightly and in a nearly bruising grip. Cassandra, was it not for the paper in her mouth, would grin widely at this

Ah, she loves the beautiful marks her lover leaves on her on a regular basis

“You’re filthy, doll”, Donna hisses, her low voice pulling Cassandra from her thoughts. “Must you always make a damn mess!”, she adds through gritted teeth

The Dimitrescu resists the urge to moan when her arms are tied by ribbons and yanked upwards

She is not treated sweetly or gently, and her body betrays her excitement regarding this

She knows, Donna too notices her rock hard nipples and quivering thighs

And she knows, having spent so much time among the plants at the manor, that her girlfriend is very well aware of the naughty thoughts and feelings she causes her to experience

Alas, it seems the dollmaker doesn’t yet grant her any of this special, painful kind of pleasure. Cassandra could whine in irritation at this

She watches her girlfriend move the tied hands to the hooks meant to hold and lift dolls, then gulps when a hand is held in front of her stretched mouth

Her arms are tied securely and held above her head, and with her legs spread slightly to allow her to sit comfortably with Donna’s body between her knees, she has almost difficulty adjusting to feeling this exposed

Not that it’s new, really

The underside of her chin is tapped impatiently, before Donna holds out her palm again

“Out with it. But I better not hear a thing from you, doll. You’ll start earning your right to talk back by helping me.”, she clarifies

Submitting to the obvious command, Cassandra’s lips spread apart wider and she allows the wet, crumpled paper to fall back out of her mouth

She stays silent, as commanded. She truly tries to

For a mere moment, that is, until she spots the mischievous doll that seems to take immense pleasure from getting her in trouble

“There! It’s he-MGM! Mhmm!”, Cassandra’s eyes are wide when a hand is clasped over her mouth, golden orbs flickering to Angie’s mocking face on the shelf behind Donna

Another hand shoots to her throat, and all she can do is whimper breathlessly when warm breath hits her skin and soft lips move across her jawline

“Did I not say, not. a. word?”, she hisses, each word delivered with a squeeze of Cassandra’s throat

The woman moans shamelessly at this, her eyes pressing shut and her thighs pushing together

With a proper squeeze of her neck, she whines. She feels lightheaded for a mere moment

Then, she whimpers when her lover leans in, her lips and teeth ghosting over her neck, all the way up to her ear

“What was that, doll? Must I put you in your place again?”

She shakes her head quickly, as though overly aware of the beautiful, carefully placed mark of the beneviento symbol carved into her back

The mere feel and thought of it has her attempt to subtly rub her thighs together

She wonders; if only she acts out enough, will Donna renew it for her?

“That’s what I thought, principessa”, the older woman husks out, and again she feels as though her head is spinning from her words

She shivers when the dress is peeled off her, Donna’s hands careful and precise in their movements

“If you’re so keen on sabotaging my work and setting me back-“, Cassandra attempts to protest at this, blame the doll, but at another squeeze of her throat, all her words die on her tongue and only a throaty groan slips out

Donna’s expression turns almost sour at her repeated misbehavior, before she closes her eye for a moment

Upon opening it again, she smiles

“You will be of good use to me, doll”, she whispers

Cassandra tries her best to stay quiet as the woman moves from her, golden eyes following her strong, veiny hands and slender fingers as they shimmer over her workspace

Scattered on the table are scissors, ribbons, wood and porcelain dolls, knives and sewing needles, and much more Cassandra can’t quite catch a glimpse of

She tenses when she hears a breathy chuckle from Donna. The woman’s back is turned to her as she organises her desk, yet Cassandra hears the smile in her voice as she talks lowly

“Seeing as you are so keen on setting me back, you will make up for the lost progress”

For a moment, she doesn’t understand

How can she make up for it? Cassandra doesn’t know how to sew, or craft dolls. Nor is she about to learn it

When Donna holds up her sketches however, realisation dawns on her

She practically sees the gears moving in her girlfriend’s head, her mind coming up with a punishment fit for “her” crime

She knows, her girlfriend is already calculating the amount of fabric and time she will need to craft the light blue dress in Cassandra’s size, rather than the doll Agatha’s

Yet, when her lips part to protest and blame Angie yet again, she feels a hand slap over her mouth again

She jumps at this, not ever used to her girlfriend simply turning and moving in the span of seconds

Donna hums as she regards the tied and bratty woman in front of her

“Whatever will I do to you?”, she hums, a smirk curling on her lips that makes the brunette Dimitrescu’s thighs push together and has goosebumps overtake her pale skin

“Hey! Fly face! Here!”

Cassandra groans, a bright pink blush on her face as she pours some more tea into the doll’s cup

Really, she wouldn’t do such a thing, participate in such a tea party with the doll, if it wasn’t for the tight collar hugging throat and Donna’s watchful eye on her

Both serve as a reminder to do well, she knows

The dress she’s put in is tight, yet elegant and fits her well

She’s careful not to dirty it with every move, and can’t help but bite her lip to hide a grin whenever she is praised for just that

Longingly, she stares at the doll, Agatha, laying unfinished on her girlfriend’s table

How much longer will she need to endure such humiliation of being Angie’s “doll” friend? Dressed up sweetly and made to serve tea and biscuits to the doll and Donna herself, all for something she didn’t commit in the first place!

Yet, the doll, Agatha, is hardly finished. Not even nearly done, even

It seems, Donna is taking her sweet time finishing her

[sennaverstappendiary]

miami grand prix ✩ 07.05.2023

OHH… oh biami my absolute absolute beloved 🥺🥺🌷🌷💕💕🤧🤧 how i love you so so much 💍💍‼️‼️ oughh… miami 2023 😳😳 you will always be famous to me… 🗣️🗣️🗣️

leading up to the race, i was so fucking scared & also so fucking excited to watch it, because as you might remember, this is when checo was almost leading the championship and bragging about it to the media 🙄🙄 very very funny looking back but i knew it from the moment baku ended: i need it to be next week. i need to see max slay again. 🤭🤭🤭 AND OH. OH SLAY HE DID. max cuntstappen is BACK yall 🤤🤤🤤

so, starting with quali (because i did not watch free practice), i remember this was the first time i watched with my now ex upstairs, in my brothers room 🥰 it was VERY VERY late in the netherlands at this point, like around 11 pm? it was very late for me and my sleep schedule at least 🥹 as i’m writing this it seems EARLY… woah… 😵‍💫😵‍💫 as you know: qualifying was fucking crazy. i was there, on his bed, praying man literally praying for everything to go right😬😬😬… THIS WAS ACTUALLY THE QUALIFYING TO MAKE ME VOW TO NEVER EVER MAKE FUN OF A MERC EXITING BEFORE Q3 EVER AGAIN. the fucking instant karma. SMACK IN DA FACE… 😵😵😵😵😵😵😵😵😵😵💔💔💔💔💔💔. needless to say i was very very upset and it was #joever between me and charles for a whole 7 hours (while i slept) 😭😭😭😭‼️‼️‼️‼️

my brother came back from his long holiday trip 2 hours before race start (within said trip i had turned from a casual f1 enjoyer to a complete autistic STAN… i wonder how he felt about that LMFAO 🤣🤣🤣 imagine leaving ur sibling knowing more about a sport, coming back two weeks later and realising said sibling now is obsessed w said sport IM GOING CRAZYY 💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💯💯💯💯) and i could NOT wake his ass up in time for the race. GOOD FOR HIM‼️‼️‼️😭😭🌷🌷

GOOD GRIEF. i decided to watch it w my papa downstairs :3 yay‼️ he told me to fucking breathe during the warmup lap (this will be a common occurrence for him. i literally go rigid). lights out 💡… i scream … i cry … i see max verstappen serve cunt like ive NEVER EVER seen before i go genuinely insane. i start screaming at da tv when he does that DOUBLE FUCKING OVERTAKE 😵😵😵💥💥💥💥💥💥💥 it was so fucking joever for checo atp HOLY shit. my dad looked at me like ‘did u see that lmfao’ and im p sure i teared up like YEAH I SAW THAT 😁😁😁😁🙏🙏🙏 whoah.

but of course. the moment that turned me from a max enjoyer to a max defender, to a max ride or die, was the pointing at that fucking one on his car. i was watching like 😳😳😳😳😮😮😮😮😲😲😲😲😲😮‍💨😮‍💨😮‍💨😮‍💨😮‍💨😮‍💨💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️💥💥💥💥💥💥💥 LIKE YESS SYES YES. GENUINELY ONE OF MY FAV MOMENTS THIS SEASON IT WAS SOSOSOSOSOSO GOOD OH MY GOD I THINK I DIEDED 😵😵😵💓💗💓💞💕💘💖💘💕💞💗 HE DID THAT!!! HE FUCKING DID THAT!!!! my dad just laughed bc we had ALL been laughing at the media shit checo had been saying (for good reasons) IT TOOK ME TWO HOURS TO CALM DOWN JFHEIDHJDHS 💥💥💥💥💥 it was so so good. thank you biami.

max took miami and never looked back. in my personal life: this is when i started going back to uni again. i also took that shit and never looked back :,) 🪞 wherever i go… 💕💞💕💗💖🌷

✩ song of the race: i want to be your boyfriend - hot freaks

another song of hot freaks i really enjoy, and seems fitting for how this race def made me fall in love with both f1 and max LOL

[iliketrainmen]

Direct spoilers under cut

I am so glad I ruined my sleep schedule for this I am not going to shut up about this for the next forever oh my God

1) Silver sygna suit pair with Tyranitar (hehe he's carrying on his brother's legacy)

2) MOTHERFUCKING POKEMON Z???? WHAT THE FUCK IVE BEEN WANTING THIS FOR YEARS. AND ITS LEGENDS???!?!?!?!

Chat from hence forth expect NOTHING but Roark eeby deeby propaganda HOLY FUCK

(Shoutouts to my cat for enduring the streamer level freak out I had seeing Lumiose City's tower appear in the direct. She gets extra treats especially because she endured the even larger one when the title was announced.)

I literally only had one thing on my wishlist and that was for there to be one (1) indirect reference to Roark and I got SO MUCH MORE THAN I COULDVE EVER ASKED FOR

[rianafying]

this is not necessarily a happy journal entry but

i’ve had a lot of happy moments lately. and relief. also chaos but that’s nothing unusual, the happiness is. noticed something that made me upset just now. also opened bumble god knows why. i know fully well i don’t want to date, and yet, i opened bumble. it’s not like i have time to kill. in fact, i have no time. there’s so much stuff i’m meant to be doing. i just added a whole bunch of stuff to my master to do list. here comes the hyperventilation. i prayed the other day. i felt so bad that i prayed. can yall imagine how much anxiety it takes to get to a point where i genuinely broke down enough to beg god for help? but it means something. it means i have hope. it means i want things to get better. it means i feel it’s worth it. this is a start contrast to my indifference and disinterest in living last year. things are different now. i am different. nothing changes. everything changes. it feels like a cycle but also there’s something new about it. everytime i regain my will to life. you can’t force these things. it has a mind of its own. also going back to bumble, it’s such a waste of time for me and also it makes me feel a few things: 1) like dating is so strange, i don’t have it in me to do the whole ritual, it’s not organic, it feels forced, and superficial, it’s not for me, not for who i am right now. 2) it makes me think about aspects of myself that i have struggled a lot to make peace with, such as my appearance, my personality etc through the lens of others, like why would i ever subject myself to such torment, when i know i hate being perceived 3) i am too impatient and disinterested to send the first message or to wait for a response and then to carry on a conversation. there’s more points but ill just keep rambling for eternity. why am i even saying all this, why am i thinking so much about it, clearly this has struck something in me, since i feel so strongly about it and am desperately trying to make sense of it. the thing is. i like who i am. i like how things are going. that is not something i can say like ever. but can now. and i’m doing fine. and i do have the time. to be silly. to waste some. i don’t actually have to do the things, i just want to do them. and a break is never long enough to do everything i ever wanted to do. instead i’ll focus on the progress i’ve made, which is anything but little. i should be and i am extremely proud of myself. oh funny thing happened the other day, i accidentally splashed boiling water onto my face and chest when trying to break a bone in my stockpot. and i gave myself a pretty nasty burn that covers more than half my face. the left side. my left. your right. the side with the mole. anyway, so i dealt with it, i’ve been told to avoid exposing my face to the sun or heat in general. so ive been eating a lot of cold foods. and coincidentally watching that episode on gilmore girls where the dragonfly inn catches fire, and sookie can’t use the stoves until the insurance company pays for the contractor to fix them and she lists cold foods, all types of salads and carpaccios. i don’t eat raw meat/fish and i’m over my salad craze. i’m craving a hot roast chicken sandwich with cold tomatoes and zesty mayo on toasted brioche buns. the way i make it. i’m rlly hungry. and there is this lingering melancholy that just grows if i don’t address it every now and then.

for someone who is absolutely terrible at writing, i sure do write a lot. and this is technically writing. right?

even though things are better, i’m not yet okay. my mind still spins too fast. nothing sticks. i’m in distress because my friends are distress. how can we actually be happy if the ones we love are not. so many people so many attachments. it’s been a while since i’ve even had the mental capacity to care for others. i’m hungry as fuck. something is off, something feels bad. is it my hunger. is it my messed up sleep schedule. is it my perpetually cluttered room. is it the pressure of expectations. is it my godawful health, mental or physical. is it eternal.

i can’t fix everything. i can’t fix anything really. i can’t fix things at a rate fast enough to keep up with the pace of destruction. in this life there is too much to fight against. but also too much to fight for. at least i can take solace in the fact that it ends. which is not so much a fact to me as it is a hope. god forbid the heavens exist. i couldn’t take another minute of being, after i have been so relentlessly my whole life. i’m hungry. i’m scared. i’m hopeful. i’m apprehensive. always anticipating danger but never quite ready for it. nothing is ever right enough. except when i find a bit of poetry that changes the fabric of my being. maybe i just need to be receptive in case some poetry finds its way to little old me.

[uncooldotcom]

this past two weeks ive been moving houses, paying so much shit, assisting to migration appointments which are also tied to doing a bunch of side quests to the bank and to different offices and i also have to balance time to somehow keep up with my job.

everytime i lay in bed i am exhausted out of my brain enough to not feel like i have words to speak and space to think and yet with my body hurting i have to start working.

every night i convince myself that i will take out the trash tomorrow, i will finish putting everything out of boxes and into this new place because i didn’t have the time today.

and in the back of my mind I haven’t finished with buying gifts for christmas even though that’s in two weeks, i haven’t finished that one favor I was asked to do, i haven’t finished scheduling some time with friends and i haven’t finished planning what im gonna eat for dinner.

did i feed my cat? i can’t forget this paper for the appointment tomorrow, it is so so important. fuck i have to take a picture and I need to wash my hair again and what is that fucking weird noise that the fridge is making, I should check that out. God, all the dishes are on the floor. Mom is calling me. I need to have lunch on time to spend time with my wife, I need to go to make that call at 10:30. I need to go sleep now but I didn’t do that important thing for work, I’m sure I can fit it in my schedule tomorrow morning. I need to be faster, I need to be attentive, I need to be talkative, I need to be more. now. Now. NOW.

and yet, I am not. I am not enough.

[appreciatingtokrev]

OKAY SO during the like week or so while you were gone i got really really REALLY fucking deep into my emo punk bands/bandom hyperfixation and oh my god someone please save me

you don't really have to hear too much abt it if youre uninterested atm since ive infodumped abt this to nearly all my irls who'd listen but if u do thatz cool to :) but yeah uh my bandom hyperfixation got/is getting so bad to the point im referencing real events/theories in my band au fic 😭? esp cuz the two ppl surrounding it are in bands that i headcanon on the tokyorev dudes so yeah it worked way too fucking perfect and im here for it!

but lil spoiler its abt a lot of unrequited izakaku<3333 if you remember that one sanzu x mucho breakup fic i wrote before i kinda hinted the arrival of izana coming back into mucho's life so thatz where the angst comes from. its ur good ol 'i'd die for you but i don't really think you know how serious i am about it' dynamic (again, projecting)

but yes. going into the bandom rabbit hole unexpectedly and never being able to look back has been one of the best and the worst things to happen to me /affectionate. like my sleep schedule is at an all time low my grades arent getting any better and my bf is already having problems of his own with HIS boyfriend (who is also sadly my ex. fucked up i know) BUT. staying up all not consuming media and content from these lil fandoms make that lil whole in my heart rn full for just a few hours so- it means a lot to me yk <3

ANYWAYS i love my emo boys pls ask me abt my emo boys. (u dont have to btw im just insane abt them)

oh oh i am definitely listening!! this feels kinda embarassing to say tbh i know like. zero things abt music most of the time i’m just not interested in more than like three songs from a specific artist/band so yeah never hyperfixated or anything. which means taku dear i have no clue what i should even ask you 😭😭 but but but i am listening, feel free to infodump!! i love absorbing new information <3

also. unrequited izakaku :((( <33

[kneelbeforeclefairy]

HI HI ITS ME HI! I have been diagnosed with both of those! I think I do have both. The sleep doctor said I can't have both but it's possible I have a hybrid of the two? And they gave me the initial diagnosis of non24 but then another doctor said he didn't believe I had that because largely blind people had it but I was like HI I CAN BE THE EXCEPTION TO THE RULE it does occur it sighted people.

And boy if it's not apnea they have no idea what to do. I did a sleep study and apparently I had some minor apnea but not even enough to qualify as sleep apnea,but all they wanted to talk about was a CPAP or a night guard and I'm like. Guys. When I'm not hooked up to 1001 machines once I sleep I sleep well. Can you listen to that and focus on my actual sleep issues. Barely. Also I had to fill out a sleep log for two weeks or whatever and thank God it was during covid so it did show some of my "natural sleep" but because it wasn't even every day the doctor didn't think I had non24. Well of course it wasn't and even 2 hours later every day. I FIGHT It. I've learned how to fight it. Also like. I didn't have steady work but I had shit to do so some times I had to get up at a certain time.

And when I tried to get them to focus on the sleep disorder weather it was delayed sleep phase or non24 I got told basically. All you can do is control your light intake. Can I put a light box at my desk? Nope. Don't have a desk also i was an early childhood teacher so I sit in the dark for an hour twice a day while babies nap. Oh that's unfortunate. Try micro dosing melatonin. Honestly haven't given that the old college try because melatonin has such a ??? Effect on me that I have been too scared to give it a shot again because I have to get up for work the next day

I think it's just such a fucking awful way to live. I like having a "name" for it. Nice knowing what's going on. But there's still no answers as to how to help. But between that and ADHD it makes time SO difficult to understand and use effectively. And I'm constantly tired. Constantly. Because even if I get eight hours of sleep the delayed sleep phase means I don't feel rested if it's too early. And even if I fall asleep at a reasonable time and get up early for work the next day and I'm fine, within a day or two or three depending on how good I'm fighting it, I'll start going to be a little later. I think my "day" is 26 hours. I'm programed for about eight hours sleep and 18 hours awake, give or take a little. And that....that doesn't work with the real worlds 24 hour day and work schedules that start the same time every day.

Part of me thinks I'm kind of a mild case because I've learned how to live with it and I can hold down jobs it's just harder. But finishing school? School when first period was at 750 ? It's not THE reason I didn't finish high school but it's one of them. But also I've had this since I was a baby. My mother didn't know much from babies, but Ive worked with them for years now and now I know. No. It is not normal for your five month old to not fall asleep until 11pm-midnignt. I still slept the same AMOUNT of hours. But mom could start putting me to bed when I was eight pm and she'd just be rocking me for four hours and I'd fall asleep at 12 anyway, or just start the routine at 10pm and hope. My entire life was fighting my sleep cycle.

I didn't know there were so many of us.

one of the most enlightening realizations ive had was finding out that non-24 hour circadian rhythm people were a pretty large group and most of us have oddly similar cycles of usually around 28hr internal "days" and this masquerades as "insomnia" but if allowed to sleep and wake naturally we will just advance forward through time an extra 2-4 hours a day at a relatively stable pace. we can't go to school or jobs or even run errands on normal schedules without massive pharmacological and behavioral intervention. most of the people who have been diagnosed or figured it out themselves will report horrific, life-ruining disruption in their professional lives and terrible health from accrued lack of sleep. this disorder is most common in vision-impaired people which seems to suggest it's related to light cues. anyway just thinking about this as extremely loud yard work woke me up at 8am for the second day in a row

[zephyrsnoww]

wrote a bunch of thoughts out. nothing bad just talking to myself about anxiety and what i should do going forward. it helps to type things out sometimes.

it's almost definitely because I've been travelling (and thus unable to do a lot of the things i want to do the most right now, and also doing shit every day and around a bunch of people all the time) and planning literally moving across the country, and also i think partly because it's 3am right now, but damn i am tired. but in a really weird, anxious way. it feels so strange because im doing so much more of so many things that i absolutely enjoy and have been wanting to do forever, and i am incredibly excited about moving and my plans for the future, but i feel so, like... ambiently anxious.

am i worried about not being able to work on these things i really want to do, and losing interest in them because of it? maybe, i guess. ive had plenty of anxiety about stuff like that in the past. but i feel pretty confident that won't happen, i don't think im really anxious about it.

it feels kind of like wanting to do so much and being anxious i won't be able to do it all? like, i want to stream and make music and edit videos and fully finish my stream layout and work on these video concepts i have and work on these game concepts i have and worldbuild these setting concepts i have and write stories and stuff more and just chill with friends more and get out and meet new people more and dj more and draw more and maybe start animating again. i just wish i could do things consistently, instead of working in random bursts of extreme motivation for one or two things at a time.

i wish i didn't have to think about a job, either. it feels dumb to complain about because my job is pretty damn low effort, im only working part time, and i make alright money, but i have been really bad at getting myself to sit down and actually work on stuff. and i wish i didn't have that extra load of anxiety weighing down whenever i work on things i actually enjoy doing. but i also, always, regardless of anything, feel weird asking people for money. saying i have a patreon or ko-fi or something feels.. so weird, even though that would be ideal, if i could genuinely make a living off of those things plus twitch or whatever. which isn't about to happen anytime soon, obviously, but damn. it just feels weird.

i feel like ive just given myself a bunch of stuff to feel anxious about when it's fine, and I'll be fine, and things will be good. but damn if i don't have a lot of nights where thinking about what i want, or god forbid, how ill do things, makes me feel like shrivelling up and crumbling into dust.

i just wish i could focus on streaming and videos and stuff, and work on my little projects i do. i wish i was better at getting myself to actually work on things and see things through.

in the meantime i guess ill just keep working in little bursts, make little progress wherever i can, and feel happy about any progress i do make. and while i do that i should probably try to fix my sleep schedule and start actually blocking out times for myself to work on specific projects, and gradually start structuring my time better. but fuck if it isn't hard. graahh

[b1zmuth]

Chapter Two | TDOTD

‘’The Other Side Of The Fence’’

⋆⁺｡˚⋆˙‧₊☽ ◯ ☾₊‧˙⋆˚｡⁺⋆

Horrid. 

The day that I met him was as clear as day, I was finishing up my regular scouting mission with Verdict- the skies hazy with a dark blue hue lulling over the horizon, fading into a light purple, announcing the upcoming daybreak.

Soon, would the night fade and the day would rise into its full position- the tell-tale sign of the Bridge Of Animos’s closing.

Which meant that the two of us would have to find our reversal partners, which pretty much meant that after me and Vera finished our night scout, we would have to regroup with our day partners. 

‘’.....Was that the black flash? The fuck?’’ A younger Neutral asked himself, double, no- triple checking his surroundings to make sure he didn't just get his ass compromised…again.

And then he saw it again- that same quick black apparition that seemed to just, vanish into the ground? It wasn’t totally impossible for inhabitants of Animos’s cityscape to just faze into random objects at will- but they never get put on the day shifts due to their intolerance of the sun.. so that leaves only one possibility left. 

‘’Claude! In nomine umbrae lucis, te ipsum exposco.’’  Neutral retained a defensive position, tensing his body up to be fully ready for any type of attack that this… whatever the fuck it was might pull off. 

A shadowy figure with an unnervingly large toothy smile rose from the ground, startling the latter who jumped back a couple of feet in response- ‘’Ne timeas umbra lucis, nam particeps sum tuus.’’ 

‘’The fuck? You really couldn't have said this without getting all up in the face?’’ Neutral questioned the shadowy figure that smiled even larger at his question- ‘’Just how large can you smile at someone?’’ 

The shadow figure only responded with a rolling of his wrist motion- ‘’Depends on the mood, what's ya name partner?’’ ‘’No- that's- ugh! Whatever, I'm Neutral, Derivative of the Shade Of Light. You?’’

‘’Horrid!’’ 

I wonder why ive been thinking alot more, about him more. 

Maybe it's because of the fact that I'm scheduled to be going on another mission with him, like that fateful day we met? Or the days when we would aimlessly wander about the different realms, fucking over our tasks and getting an earful? 

No, can’t be that. It has to be.. Something else- that's bothering me.

A distant voice calls out, gradually getting louder and louder with every passing minute without a response. 

‘’Neu------!!’’  ‘’------Tral! Wake the fuck up!’’ 

Then it stopped and turned into a harsh shove which woke up the daydreaming, unresponsive reciprocate of the calls. 

Neutral gasped loudly, mainly because of the shock of being woken up suddenly and pretty much ripped out of his thinking session- ‘’What?!?! The fuck did you shove me for?!’’ Neutral shouted at his partner, furious about the fact that his entire thinking session was interrupted because HE wanted to shove him for no apparent reason.

‘’We missed our stop you dumbfuck! I've been trying to GENTLY wake you up, something that i never do, but your stone rock sleeping ass didn't hear me basically yelling in your ear for five minutes!’’ Horrid shouted right back, holding his hand out to the obvious change in environment through the train car windows.

‘’Shit. What stop are we going to be at?’’ calming himself down, Neutral asked Horrid- only to be met with a nasty side-eye and a ‘’I don't know, you tell me you idiot!’’ face- and continuing to practically shove his face into the window to observe whatever he could.

‘’Fuck.’’ Neutral grumbled to himself, mentally yelling about the fact he let the BOTH of them miss their stop, which could snowball into them missing their assassination schedules- which would turn into Shade's loud ass constantly up his ass about ‘’not fulfilling his duty!!’’ and all of those random ramblings- god! He is a fucking pai- 

The train's intercom crackles to life above Horrid’s and Neutral’s seats, loudly displaying the next trainstop message.

‘’Please don't be Runa. Please don't be Runa. Please don't be Runa. PLEASE-’’ 

‘’We are now approaching our next stop! Runa! Passengers not getting off at the next stop, please be advised to stay seated during offloading and onloading sessions. Thank you!’’ 

‘’ESTIMATED TIME OF ARRIVAL: 3 MINUTES” 

Listening to the dreadful announcement, Horrid attempted to return to his seat next to Neutral, who had his head in his hands and was slightly shaking it- attempting to soothe over the headache he was experiencing.

Horrid only settled in his seat, somewhat dreading the arrival to Runa, ‘’The city of fucking nightmares’’ according to both Neutral and Guru- although, Horrid didn't really think it could be THAT bad since nobody else referred to Runa, like, at all. 

‘’Not like I can ask Neutral about this random ass city. Time to play the guessing game again.’’  he thought to himself, slowly feeling the anticipation build up deep inside of him. 

‘’Now arriving at.. Runa! All offloading passengers please take all baggage with you! Thank you for riding Spirit Trainlines!’’

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And here they were, in the vast cityscape of Runa, with both boys equally having mixed feelings about the entire situation. 

Neutral,  sitting on a trainstop bench, was contemplating if he should go ahead and jump off a cliff or suffer Shade's wrath again, and Horrid looking around at different things- switching between looking at a travel guide and matching the map up with the skyline of the city.

‘’Neu, cmon we have to get moving if we wanna make it on time for the switch- at least that fucking Shade wont have his foot up our asses as far?’’ Horrid put the travel guide in his pocket and walked over to the zoned-out Neutral- ‘’Horrid. We are quite literally FUCKED, i don't even mean just one fucked, we are trenches deep in the fuckery now. We missed the last stop to portal over and Runa is NOT the place we wanna be right now.’’ Neutral shot his head up, frantically motioning the words he was saying. 

Horrid only groaned, shaking his head- ‘’According to this travel guide, Runa is very close to the last stop, and it'll only take 30 minutes-’’ Neutral cut Horrid off with swiftness, scaring the shit out of him by nearly teleporting in front of him, placing his hands on his shoulders and with the most deadpanned stare said- ‘’SHADE is HERE, in RUNA, oh yeah and also gray’s here.’’ 

‘’Your kidding.’’ 

Quickly dialing some numbers on his phone and Gray’s caller ID popping up, the line rung for a bit before the other side picked up- ‘’Yello, this is Gray speaking- oh! Neutral..? You never call during a mission- even if it's with Horrid? You good?’’ Grays's voice spoke from the phone, his questioning tone worrying the others on the other side of the phone. 

‘’Gray, can you deliver some toilet paper to Runa? Me and Horrid shit ourselves because we got taco bell.’’ Neutral said, looking over to the snickering Horrid and swiftly kicking him in the leg.

‘’Ha! You missed! --OW! What the fuc-’’

‘’Oh, I see- Shade! Horrid needs me to deliver him and Neutral some toilet paper! I'll be back in a bit!’’ Gray spoke again, Shade's somewhat audible voice yelling back an ‘’Ok!’’- ‘’What the fuck did you two do? Just- nevermind, just be at the Stelle Pointelle in 20.’’ Gray scoffed from over the phone, quickly hanging up and leaving the boys to their devices. 

‘’What in the fuck Neutral?! ‘’Me and Horrid SHIT ourselves’’?? Do you know what that could do to me if someone else heard that?!’’ Horrid got irate and started yelling at the now staring-directly-at-him male who just shushed him- ‘’If you weren't so much of a fucking idiot you would know what I just said was code for ‘’Oh shit we fucked up please come and get us’’- do you really think that I would deadass say some crazy shit like that when SHADES around?’’ Neutral responded, rolling his eyes and starting to walk off.

‘’You are so INSUFFERABLE- god I hope Shade tears you a new one!’’ 

‘’I hope you will finally give ass instead of taking it!’’

It is safe to say that the pair walked in silence to the Stelle, except for the occasional jab at each other every five minutes that usually ended in a street-side brawl, which lasted another 20 minutes. 

By the time they finally got to the Stella Pointelle, Gray was already waiting for them with a pissed-off expression and someone's steel-toed boot in hand.

‘’Where have YOU two been! It's been a whole hour since I told you to meet me! Don't you know I was doing important things with Shade that needed tending to!’’ Gray yelled, waving around this random ass boot that he got from god knows where- threatening to ‘’beat the shit out of the both of you!’’ 

‘’Calm your tits, Gray, we weren't doing anything- or well should I say, (I) wasn’t doing anything except for trying to get this fucker off of me!’’ Horrid shoved Neutral out of the way and started making his way to the car, waiting for the other two to get in. ‘’BACKSEAT HORRID! FUCK YOUR SHOTGUN PRIVILEGES!’’ 

‘’Party pooper. Ugh!’’ Horrid groaned as he listened to Gray start up the car, mumbling something about ‘’waiting until Neutral gets in the car’’ 

And the second that Neutral climbed in the car and shut the door, Gray turned off the car. 

‘’So how was your fuck session? It seems like you two REALLY enjoyed that one and getting me chewed out by Shade.’’ Gray deadpanned, turning around in his seat and staring at the two, who just looked at him with confused faces- ‘’What are you going on about? I NEVER fucked Hor-’’ Neutral was about to start responding back until Gray cut him off

‘’Take a gander at your clothes, you took a whole hour to even give me a pointer that you were still alive and kicking, and then I see you roll up with messy clothes, Neutral’s CHIN is exposed,’’ ‘’What?! It is?’’- ‘’YES Neutral! Your mask is up either way I'm getting my ass kicked by Shade when I go back because I'm taking almost an hour and a half to simply WAIT for you! All because you two wanted to fuck 1-3 times in an HOUR!! How do you manage to bust a nut every 25 minutes!!’’ Gray yelled, both of his hands on the headrests- borderline inside of them, his body jerking with every emphasized word he said.

At that point Neutral and Horrid just looked at each other with the same expression of ‘’What is he yelling about?’’ and it didn't really help that they STILL didn't understand what in the hell Gray was even talking about because he kept going on and on about this even after starting the car up. 

‘’Yeah, I banged him- soooooo hard he passed out! Hehhhheee..’’ 

‘’HORRID! WHAT THE FUCK??’’

To Neutrals absolute HORROR Gray parked the car again and started beating the hell out of the both of them- and Gray hits where it hurts the most… youch!   

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Eventually, the trio finally made it to the small portal entrance town of Rizimuna, Runas portal-hop town. 

Rizimuna is much smaller than Runa in comparison, going from a huge cityscape to a rural town, with a small population to match, but it is way less noisy and flashy. 

After getting attacked by Gray in the car, you best believe Neutral DIVED out of the car, with Horrid quickly following suit- and now we end up here, with the two walking towards the portal gate. ‘’Neutral, do we really have to go on this hunt today? I mean we’re already late to the exchange.’’ Horrid quipped, his shadow-like body wisping in the windy air and his smile down turning into a frowny one. 

‘’Still gotta go.’’ Neutral responded in a somewhat groggy tone, digging for his and Horrid’s IDs whilst rolling his eyes, knowing that Horrid would most likely start whining and begging him to ‘’just lemme go home! I'll be a good boy! Promise!’’ 

With a loud whine and a dramatic tug/falling down on the ground act from Horrid, the two begrudgingly went ahead and checked in. 

Somewhere, On the Other Side. 

Two figures stand in the moonlight glow, their bodies emanating the foul aura of death and despair- their stances of the same nature. 

Extremely pissed off.

‘’It's been fucking HOURS! I want to go home Verdict! This is nuts how long we have to wait for those two to simply show up!’’ 

‘’It'll be okay, Mrs. Maisonnaige can handle this, she did say we could contact her if we had any problems- on the other hand, we’re okay for now, and there's not much stopping us from wandering around.

‘’Fine. But I swear when I lay my eyes on those two I'm going to rip them a fucking new one! I know you want to do it too!” 

‘’Mhm..’’ 

---------------------------------------------

This chapter was a doozy to write, especially with the plot idea leaving my head multiple times, and the whole idea of Horrid's and Neutrals relationship aswell.

But to give a hint towards the next chapter, it will be mainly focused on two new characters, and the character teaser art I posted a while back! it will be focused on these two new characters and explaining the overall layout of DOTD's worldbuilding!

Stay tuned! | Bizmuth's Workshop '24