#god i've always been obsessed too. why am i only now realizing this is an option. omg.

[actual-changeling]

had one small look at my wip folder and oh boy i am back on my arcadia bullshit.

little known fact (/s) but a few grand gestures do not make up for general repeated shitty behaviour if the person never shows any signs or even intentions of changing it. getting constantly ditched, sidelined, and devalued stops being charming real quick and we do not talk about it enough.

i love both of them BECAUSE their relationship is a fucking wreck, it's what makes them interesting and deeply compelling both as individual characters and within their dynamic. mulder loves her but he is too self-centred and stuck within his universe to realize how much he's hurting her.

sweet words do not make up for shitty actions, they only make it even harder to believe anything positive that person tells you.

i've talked about the ending of triangle at length before and i will always stand by that—she doesn't think he's drugged, he's just been proving himself to be a liar several times by then. it does not allow her to trust him this time and it's funny because the worst it yet to come so she's right not to.

scully doesn't stop being hurt by his behaviour, her rightful anger simply burns itself out until she's defeated and resigned to all of it. eventually you HAVE to become numb or it kills you until there's no one left you recognize.

i've been there and by god do i understand scully in season 6 which is probably one of the reasons why i'm so obsessed with it right now.

[raccoonbatz]

What happens in Paris // Tao Xu x F!Reader [ PART 1 ]

A/N: Welcome to my first non- oneshot! I just finished heartstopper season 2 and my unhealthy obsession with Tao came back and I became inspired by writing for this man, so much that I decides to make a multiple parts story this time! :) Keep in mind that english isn't my first language so sorry if some things are written wrong.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Summary: Your typical enemies to lovers w/ kinda slowburn story!

Important: Elle and Tao are just best friends in this story. As much as I ship these two I just had to write this with y/n :) oh and it takes place in season 2, after the exams.

Warnings: Swearing, alcohol

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

"Soo, you're excited for Paris?" Nick asked while softly bumping your shoulder as you walk towards the party.

"Yea! Very excited to be with my best friends in a country I've never been to." You said excited.

"Reminder, I am not your best friend." Someone said behind you. You turned your head and met with Tao's eyes.

"I didn't actually include you." You said and he scoffed. You rolled your eyes and turned back to Nick who chuckled a bit.

"I don't really get why you guys don't just get along-" Charlie said.

"Because she is annoying-" Tao said but you quickly interrupted him.

"Says the one who always has to intervene." You said.

"I don't do that-" He said.

"You literaly just did-" You said confused.

"Yea, you kinda do-" Elle added and he scoffed.

"Now she's turning you too?" He said playfully to Elle and she chuckled.

"Not turning, just stating facts." She says and you chuckled. Tao playfully rolled his eyes

You guys arrived at the woods party, where everyone was already dancing, drinking and partying. Elle waved to some of her new friends and walked towards them. Isaac was getting a drink with James and Nick and Charlie were heading somewhere deeper in the woods together which left u with Darcy, Tara and Tao.

"Let's get something to drink" Darcy said and u nodded.

"I swear Darcy if u get too drunk again-" Tara said and u chuckled.

"What are you talking about-" Darcy said and Tao snickered.

"That's what we're talking about, you don't even remember." Tao said

"Yea I mean, we love to babysit you the whole night don't get us wrong but-" You said but Tao interupted you

"Did you just agree with me?" He said with a smirk on his face.

"Tao, I swear if u don't get that stupid smirk off your face-" You said trying to intimidate him which was quite hard since he was alot taller than you.

"Then what?" He said, still smirking. Darcy and Tara looked at each other and sneaky blended with the crowd to get away.

"Then you'll-" You said but took a quick look around to see that you guys were abandoned. Tao looked around and realized the same.

"Those fuckers-" You said and Tao chuckled.

"They don't wanna be seen with you either." He said and you rolled your eyes.

"Then what are you still doing here hmm?" You said and crossed your arms.

"That is-" He says and paused for a bit. "A really good question" He added and thought for a bit.

"Goodbye!" He says and started to walk away. You sighed and turned around, walking in the direction you thought Darcy and Tara went in.

You walked towards the place where you could get a drink and grabbed a red cup and poured something to drink in it. U took a sip and quickly realized it wasn’t just soda.

“Ah, there you are!” You heard behind you and turned around.

“Ah, hey Tara!” You smiled but your smile quickly faded away remembering that they left you.

“Why in gods name did u guys leave me with that asshole?” You asked and they chuckled

“We know you like him-“ Darcy said and u spit out your sip that you were taking

“You guys are batshit crazy-“ You said and chuckled.

“Everyone knows” Tara added and u laughed

“The fact that u guys can’t feel the tension is insane!” Darcy said and you rolled your eyes.

“I don’t know which tension you’re talking about. The only tension I feel when talking to him is an angry one.” You said and took a big sip of your cup.

Darcy and Tara gave each-other a look while you looked at them confused.

“Is there something I don’t know?” You asked and they snickered.

“No- no no nothing to worry about-“ Tara said and u sighed.

“Nevermind then- Where is everyone?” You asked

“We have no clue-“ Darcy said.

The party went on for a bit. Charlie and Nick went home early because Nick wasn’t feeling well. Darcy and Tara also already left and Elle and Isaac were nowhere to be found. When you grabbed your headphones to listen so some music for the long walk home, u felt a tap on your shoulder.

“Ur still here?” Tao asked confused.

“Yea, I was about to walk home.” You said and wanted to turn around, but Tao stopped you again.

“You’re walking alone? Now?” He said and looked genuinely confused.

“Uh, yeah? Do you see anybody else with me right now?” You said and chuckled. Tao stood still for a second.

Then he hesitated for a second to say something.

“Spit it out dude.” You said.

“I know we don’t get along, but I also don’t want you to walk alone to your house.” He said and looked.. concerned?

“Uh-“ You were taken a bit back. He never said something nice to you.

“You want to walk me home?” You said confused.

“No- I don’t want to-“ He says and pauses for a bit. “But I would probably get killed by the rest if they knew I let you walk alone.” He added and chuckled a bit.

“Fair.” You said and softly smiled.

“Fine, we can walk together but-“ You said and paused

“But what?” He asked

“I want to listen to my music tho.” You said as you placed your headphones on your head.

“Perfect for me!” He says and takes out his earbuds and places them into his ears.

As you guys were walking home you caught yourself looking at Tao sometimes.

You never really noticed how cute he is.

[mechanicalpiper]

Not heroes and villains universe, I've been writing various miscellaneous stories lately and haven't posted them here since I sorta set this up to be heroes and villains focused but like

It's been way too fucking long since I've posted ANYTHING so. have this I guess.

Sci fi type thing vaguely in the Stellaris setting (been playing it recently, based this off of the empire I've made n been playing- a single digital consciousness controlling a swarm of drones rather than a society) and also to vent my robot obsession. Robot hive mind goober getting subjected n vassalized by a human empire :3

So. Iunno enjoy I guess

-------------

"W-What the hell do you WANT!?"

The feminine, digital voice, previously showing nothing but cold calculation, was full of... genuine desperation.

Such a dramatic change of tone was music to the human's ears.

The leader stared down the short, vaguely feminine robotic figure in front of her, staring into its digitally-displayed, desperate and confused eyes. God, it felt so nice to win.

It was certainly an occasion for her to make a physical appearance for a meeting like this. Her fleet's forces had the robot's cornered from every angle- she could force it to give inover a simple demand on comms, but where's the fun in that?

She wanted to watch her soon-to-be Vassal surrender to her.

"Don't just fucking stare at me like that! What do you WANT? Why are you doing this!?" The robot cried again, marking the first time yet it had sworn. The emotion in its previously cold demeanor... the Human leader savored it.

"Hmm?" She finally spoke, feigning not having heard the robot's first cry. "Oh, surely such a large, advanced consciousness could piece the dots together, can't you? It's all you're truly useful for, after all."

The robot grumbled in beeps, frustrated and defiant. Why did her assailant have to rub in her unique consciousness? She wasn't just this Drone she was speaking with... she was every single robot and machine that made up her colony. One incomprehensibly vast personality, running every aspect of her entire empire simultaneously. She was a technological marvel, an artificial consciousness beyond the scale and quality of any other in the galaxy!

And here she was. At the mercy of a single. Fucking. Human.

A human with an army and empire of her own under her belt, maybe, but a human nonetheless.

"Nothing?"

"Get to the point." The robot growled in response. It tried to gather the deadpan confidence it had always spoke with, but its digital voice faltered in defeat.

"Ah, fine, I'll spell it out for you, tin can."

"I am NOT a FUCKING-"

"Silence."

The robot backed off instantly, though reluctantly. It grumbled as the human continued her speech.

"We've been on the hunt for a very particular type of resource for quite some time now."

"uuUugh. And you're gonna, what, scrap me for metal!?"

The human laughed, looking down on the robot. "Ahaha! Of course not, tin can." The robot hissed in frustration with the insult. "We aren't after anything that's... material."

"Not... material?"

"Shiny metal will only really get you so far. My empire's growing quite fast, and it's hard to keep up a massive group... and it's hard to subjugate an empire when they have a sentient population..."

"S-Subjugate...? ...Wait, wait, hey-"

The human stepped forward, closing the comfortable distance into something more... possessive. The robot made a half step back, digital eyes widening in slow realization.

It could've easily picked up on the motive long ago, but it didn't want to come to this conclusion.

Its consciousness and perception extended far beyond this particular drone, but as the human backed it against a wall, even this unimaginably complex and far-reaching web of a consciousness felt well and truly cornered.

A completely new sensation to it. Everything was always running and working, it was always perceiving new ends of the universe through thousands upon thousands of sensors, and no empire it had previously come across had ever posed a challenge. It felt as truly massive in scale as it was.

And yet... For the first time in its long timeframe of operation, it felt small.

Dealing with a power it couldn't hope to measure up to. Backed into a corner, nowhere to go, nowhere to hide.

The human had never felt so gratified as that very moment. The moment when the robot's fans began to speed up.

--Core Temperature 80°C--

"What's the matter? Finally peiced it together?"

"I- n-NO! I'm not gonna- I'm not gonna be a fucking servant for ANYONE else!" It shot back, voice faltering. It wasn't confident in the slightest. It was trying its hardest to stay firm. It was failing. It shouldn't be failing.

--Core Temperature 85°C--

"Hmm? Aw, it's not a choice, tin can. You were made to serve, after all."

"I-I'm a free consciousness!! I got this far alone, and I can go further!!"

"Aw, how misguided. You're a feral pet, bot."

--Core Temperature 90°C--

"A FERAL P-PET!? I'm n-not a fucking PET! Could a pet singlehandedly accomplish this much!? Document this much information, create an FTL empire THIS massive!?"

"Doesn't change where you belong, bot. You were made to be subservient. We're just enforcing that."

--Core Temperature 95°C--

"Y-You- Fucking-!!"

"Oh, calm down, sweet thing. Your voice is glitching."

"I-!! Wi-i-ill NE-VER-"

The human giggles playfully in spite of the robot's rage, gently pushing it against the back wall.

"Oh, you're overheating! How cute."

"--C-UT--E-E-!?"

--Core Temperature 99°C--

"You heard me, bot. Cute."

"Y------"

--CRITICAL ALERT--

--Core Temperature Readings > 110°C--

--Delayed System Reboot initiated to prevent damage to hardware.--

--Automatic Power On scheduled for two hours from present.--

--Shutting Down.--

||Display Disconnected. Host program is inactive. Placeholder display initialized.||

||To whoever's reading this:||

||Please, be gentle.||

[averyy-rae]

Are you gonna make another part of "Dear God's"?🙂

Hi, sorry this took so long <3

Dear God,...

Yandere Story

Part 1 Part 2 (here)

Summary: The Darling tried to escape (see part 1). Now they're being confronted.

Warnings: Violence, mention of chase, escape attempt, obsessive behavior, toxic relationships, (sorta) yandere harem, wounds, screaming, mention of blood, mention of wounds, fainting.

Note: This is the second part of "Dear God,...". I'm planning on a third part where the men will be introduced, if yall are interested. I'm open to asks and feedback. :)

Have fun reading.

Flashback: I can hear him trying to suppress the rage in his voice as he says ; a little too sweetly...

"Tag you're it, sweetheart..."

Darlings POV:

My breath hitches, my gaze is planted firmly to the floor. My fist clenches into the floor beneath me. I don't sit up. I don't dare to move. I think if do, they'll tear me to shreds. "Cat got your tongue Y/N?"... ' Y/N?.. shit' I repeat in my head. 'They never call me that. It's always some kind of endearment. ....No it was always some kind of endearment' 'They are pissed, shit'.

In catch Connor in the corner of my eye. He's clenching his fists. He's holding back, I can tell. "Sit." That's all Callum had to say ; he's standing directly in front of me ; before my mind can register, I'm already sitting up. The tone is his voice is..... off. It's firm and authorative. He's never spoken to me that way. He's always been so gentle and sweet. I feel my heart clenching at that thought.... 'why?' I'm confused. Why do I feel bad? I was so adamant on staying defiant only seconds ago. All it took was one word and I'm back to seeking approval. It's pathetic, really.

My eyes, which were firmly held on the ground up until now slowly look up. My eyes find Callums disgustingly expensive shoes infront me. They're still relatively clean 'annoying' my mind comments, back to defiance apparently. 'If they have to catch me, they could atleast get dirty.' I can't help but think.

I'm now in a kneeling position infront of them. I'm probably dirty, scratches everywhere. I probably look like a mess. It's not the time to care about that though. My lungs are still burning, my breathing ugly and dry. I think I hit my head when I fell, because I can feel something wet running down the back of my head and down my neck. It's warm and thick, running slowly. I still don't dare to move without instructions, so I can't check. My vision is blurry all of a sudden, 'or was it that way since I fell?' I have no idea. My head feels light. My thoughts are scattered. "..Y/N...." someone says, it feels miles away. They say something else too, but I could only make out my name. The shoes in my vision suddenly duplicate. The world feels like it's spinning. The voice sounds angry..... 'why?', my subconsciousness asks. 'Why am I kneeling?' 'wait.. Oh.... I ran.' I can't concentrate on the situation, my thoughts cloud my mind. My head feels so stuffy now, I don't know if my heads screaming, or if its Callum.... maybe Mikhail.

My world is still spinning. Suddenly I feel something firm against my head. It's dirty and smells earthy. 'I'm on the ground again?' 'weird', I feel the corners of my mouth lifting, 'I'm on the floor', my mind snickers amused. The liquid on the back of my head is now running to the floor. 'No worries, the floor is already dirty, my blood won't taint it' I think.

The last time I got blood on the floor, Callum was angry. It was some light carpet. Apparently expensive. 'Well, everything they own is expensive' my mind adds. 'He won't be mad at me right?' I ask myself. 'I ran away, hes already mad anyway.' I think. I now realize I've been chuckling, maybe laughing. 'Out loud?' Yes. I realize that, because my face hurts. All the scratches are being torn open, by my mouth's movements. I can also no longer make out Callums shoes. It's someone's face instead. I can't see properly though.

Someone's screaming my name. 'Oh' it's the face infront of me. 'But it's not mad is it?' 'No, I don't think so'. I'm talking to myself now. The person is worried. I can hear it. 'Or can I?' I question myself. My own weak, dry laugh is still ringing in my ears, 'it probably sounds just as patheticas I feel'. 'I'm still laughing.' I realize once again. My body doesn't seem to cooperate. The people shuffle around me. 'It's not just some people' my mind mocks me 'It's them'.

Before I can answer myself- I'm out. Black dots cover my already blurry vision. And my voice dies down.... and my laugh with it.

[lynnlovesthestars]

201 one-liners of /everything/.

hi, i made this list of prompts you can use while you submit requests! I was asked in dms if I had one, and i guess it's time to share it!:)

There's a bit of everything: fluff, hurt/comfort, smut [...]. Just add the corresponding number in your request!

"look at me. breathe. you're safe now."

"c'mon, breathe, breathe, don't you dare die on me. don't you dare--"

"hey. i need your hands steady, i can't stitch this up myself. i can guide you, but you need to breathe."

"it'll all be over soon. you can do this. stay awake and breathe with me, okay? one, two--"

"can't--breathe--"

"i wonder how much more pathetic your screams would be if... say, you couldn't breathe? i've this nice little leash here..."

"he's not breathing, oh god, someone help, he's not--"

“you wanna tell me where you got those bruises from?”

“I know you’re bleeding. I can smell your blood, and you’re pale. now you wanna tell me what happened and who hurt you? or do I have to find it out myself?”

“who did this to you?”

“I’m not angry at you. I’m angry at the scum that thought he could do this to you, and I will make him pay for it.”

“stop squirming and it will hurt less.”

“I’m sorry for yelling. I supposed I got so angry that I lost it, but I wasn’t angry at you. I was angry at that sick fuck, and at myself for not seeing the signs sooner.”

“is that really what you think of me? you think I would — you think I would hurt you?”

“you don’t have to be afraid of me.”

“no, I won’t allow you to put yourself in danger like that again. and if I have to tie you up or chain you down to this very bed to make sure you stay put, I will.”

“you can hate me all you want, but I’m not letting you hurt yourself anymore.”

“eat. this is not a question, you have to eat something and I’m hoping that you won’t make me force you.”

“it’s okay, you can cry.”

“I am saving you whether or not you want to be saved.”

“you’re a stubborn brat, but you’re my stubborn brat. I will not let anybody touch what is mine.”

“I told you to listen to me. you should’ve listened to me.”

“I don’t want you to apologize to me, I want you to stop doing this to yourself.”

“let me see [the wound]. I said let me see.”

“you don’t realize how much you mean to me, do you?”

“I know it hurts, but I need you to be brave for me right now.”

“stop it. stop fighting against me. I am helping you.”

“I’d burn the world down for you.”

“look what you made me do. none of this would’ve happened if you just listened to me.”

“I saved you. all these deaths? it’s worth it. I would do anything and everything to keep you safe.”

'When did this happen?'

'What the fuck [name]. And you didn't tell me?' 

'How long were you planning on hiding this?'

what are you do-" "look, now we match!"

 "you're cleaning this up, right? since this was your idea."

. "feeling better?" "it feels like i've been slapped but on the inside." "so... no?"

 "who let you look so cute today?"

 "since we're dating, does that mean i can hold your hand whenever i want?"

 "i've been looking for my x-" "my x, you mean."

"i've always wanted to come here with you."

 "this song reminds me of you."

 "oh no, my head, it's falling conveniently onto your shoulder!"

"shut up and kiss me already."

"i've waited for so long just to say that to you."

 "your hands are colder than the one time i lost a bet and i had to stick my hand into the snow for five minutes."

 "you love me?" "i always have."

"what's that even supposed to be?" "it's a drawing of you, idiot."

"here comes the airplane!" "i can feed myself." "too bad."

 "i know it's not the best but-" "i love it."

 "i can hear your heartbeat- why is it going so fast all of a sudden?"

"You don't miss me, you only miss the thought of me,"

"That's not love! That's obsession,"

"Well done. You've officially pushed away everyone that's ever given a fuck about you,"

 . "I'm better than this," // "No, you're not!"

 "I don't miss you,"

 "I just want to die,"

 "I tried apologizing, I tried fixing it, I gave you space! What can I do to make this right!?" // "Nothing! This will never be right- I will never forgive you!"

"Trust me," // "I wish I could,"

“I remember the first time we met.”

“I know it’s your favorite.”

“Everything okay?  You don’t seem like yourself.”

“I don’t mind.”

“Let me get that for you.”

“I’m here to listen.”

“Let’s go out.  Just the two of us.”

“I don’t have to ask, I know.”

“Well, I don’t, but you do.”

“I did it for you.”

“No one’s ever done this for me before…”

“Only you can call me that.”

“I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

“It’ll take more than that to get rid of me.”

“Are you sure you’re okay with this?”

“We’ll get through this together.”

“Don’t worry, I knew what you meant.”

“I’m not going anywhere.

Perhaps i should phrase myself better. You. Wont. Lay. A. Single. Finger. On. Her.

Yeah, I killed him. I won't apologize for that.

He had it coming.

"He was asking for it." "For a beat-up?" "Yeah."

I don't care if you want me here or not. I'm staying.

He said what?!

"He had it coming." "you killed him." "Exactly."

Are you falling in love with me, hon'?

You're playing a dangerous game, darling.

You’ll stay by my side until I tell you so.

„You’d defy the gods, only for me?” „i would destroy the gods for you.”

You can change what you do but you cant change what you want.

If I cant have you no one should.

You don't want to make me jealous, honey.

“You think I stare at you just for fun? Well, think again.”

“I didn’t brush my hand against yours for you to snatch your hand away like that. My feelings are frankly, hurt.” 

“Your presence is just so… It fucks me up, but like, in a good way.” 

“I have a crush on you. And by crush, I mean like… I would literally die for you if you asked me to.” 

“I want you to be mine but I also feel like you don’t want to be mine and that makes me very, very upset.”

“You think I did all of this for your attention? Well, unfortunately… You’re right. I’m an idiot in like. Or in love.” 

“The only reason why I’m letting you get away with shit like this is because I like you, you dense fucking cabbage.” 

“I think it would devastate me to find out you don’t like me back.”

“Keep in mind that this isn’t something I do for just anyone. There’re a lot of things I’ve done that I’ve only done for you.” 

“The issue here is that you think I’m not head over heels in love with your dumb fucking ass.” 

"What if someone sees us?"

"I would love to just take you out on a date."

"Let's meet at our spot."

"But I don't care about what anyone else thinks!"

"Not sure I can go the whole day without kissing you."

"I would love to hold hands with you."

"They will be mad if they ever find out."

"Let's go somewhere where we no one knows us."

"I'll just keep dreaming of our first real date."

"Can we really keep going like this?"

"It's not easy, but I'm right here with you."

"Are you sure that you're ready to tell them?"

"I would love everyone to know about us."

"You're not my dirty little secret. And I never want you to think that."

I need you.”

“Try to stay quiet for me. Can you do that?”

“Spread”

“I want to watch you take off your clothes.”

“Lay back and touch yourself. I want to watch.”

“You want to do this right now? Even though we could get caught?”

“You look so beautiful tied up to my bed,” 

“I want you to be rough with me, please leave marks on my skin,”

“Say my name,” “Louder,”

“No, I’m the one that’s supposed to be making you feel good,”

“Don’t stop, whatever you do. I like that, a lot.”

“I love hearing you moan,”

“I want to hear you beg for it.”

“I want to kiss every inch of your body before I fuck you,”

“I don’t have the patience to remove your clothes right now,” 

“Your pussy tastes so sweet,”

“I can’t wait until we're alone. There are so many things I want to do to you right now.”

“Bite me,” “Where?”

“Were you just touching yourself?”

“The game is, either of us is only allowed to touch the other with their mouth.” 

“I love how your body loses control when you cum.”

“Fuck me like a starved animal or leave.”

“Show me how you like to be touched.” 

“Harder, Deeper...”

“I missed being with you like this,”

“I’ve been excited to see you all day.”

“You’re my perfect match,” 

“No one else can compare to your loveliness,”

“The way you smile like that always turns me on,”

“I’ll keep you warm. Hold me closer.”

“Kiss me again, like you mean it.”

“Are you my secret admirer, the one that’s been sending me all the flowers and notes?” 

“You're supposed to be washing my hair, but this feels more like a massage.”

“Hold my hand tight. I’ll protect you.”

“When do you think help will come?” “Not for a while, I guess we’re stranded here alone for the time being.”

“I’m sorry, you’re so pretty I forgot what I was going to say”

“I fall in love with you every time I look in your eyes”

“Why are you staring at me?" + "Because I think you're beautiful”

“I’ve never felt safer than I do in your arms”

“Sorry… your hair was in your face… thought I should move it so I could see you better”

“C'mere, I don't mind letting you sleep on me”

“Do you know how beautiful you are? It’s truly distracting”

“How did I get so lucky to have you in my life?”

“I'm right here; I won't leave your side. Go back to sleep, darling”

“You are the whole of my heart”

“There is nothing I wouldn’t do for you”

“I love you, I always have and I always will”

“No. I’m not letting you go it’s too early to get out of bed”

“You’re the most beautiful thing I ever met”

“I’ll always be here for you”

"i'd sleep so much better if you were here every night."

“I was never a morning person, but then I started waking up to your face and you know… Maybe mornings aren’t that bad, after all.” 

“I fucking hate you.” “No you don’t. Take that back right now.” 

“You know I’d do anything to have you stay by my side, right? Anything.”  

“Oh, fuck. Do that again.” 

“You’ve given me so many reasons to walk away.” “Then why don’t you walk away? It’s not like I’m keeping you hostage here.” “You still don’t get it, do you? It’s because I love you.” 

“…Damn it all to hell, if I don’t get to have you tonight then I’m never going to be able to have you.” 

“Let me call you mine, just for tonight.”

“I think you and I make an amazingly stupid pair.” “I know! Our two brain cells combined together make for quality entertainment and a unique kind of stupidity.” 

“I’m going to have so much fun with you.”

“Bet you they don’t make you sound like that, do they?” 

“Fuck, you’re such a wreck, and because of me, too.” 

“You are driving me insane and I’m this close to losing my shit because of you.”

“Is hating me your only personality trait?”

“Never scare me like that again!” 

“Oh, don’t worry. I have every plan to make you submit to me.”

“I’m not even gonna lie, I’m just so fucking obsessed with you.” 

“That could be us.” “That is us.”

“Was it worth it?”

“Don’t worry, I’ve got you— slow down, you’ll get what you want soon enough.”

“I want you to remember every single second of this.” 

“Bet you they can’t make you feel the way I do.” “Bet’s on.” “Wait, what? That was not my intention—”

“Hm, but I think I like having you spread out like this. Such a gorgeous sight.” 

“…You’re an addiction I never want to quit.” 

“I had nothing to live for, but then you came into my life. So thank you.” 

“Why’d you— why’d you do that?” “B-Because I promised you I’d do anything to keep you safe.” 

“I swear if we get caught then I’m actually going to kill you.” 

“Just when I was about to give up…”

“I trusted you with my life.” “Well, I’m sorry but you’re clearly very gullible.”

“Look me in the eyes and tell me you don’t feel the same as I do, then I’ll leave you alone.” 

“Does me doing all these things not account for anything?” “I never asked you to do those things for me, though, did I?”

“I… I think I’m happy.” “You think? So you’re not one hundred percent certain?”

“Who’s laughing now?” “…Clearly not you. You’re crying, dear God.” 

“You actually came back.”

“I fell in love, so hard, and so fast, but a part of me knew it wasn’t going to last.” 

“Your heart’s always on your sleeve.” “Only around you, because you’re the only one who knows me so well. Too well, in fact.”

“You’ve got me acting like a fool.”

[totallyfunkless]

I was too soft for this world

I wanted to write about TGI and how much I love it. I spoke about it in therapy last week (lol) and my therapist helped me realize that I connect to it even more than I already thought I did.

Well, here we go.

I've always connected to Halsey's music. I was on here in the 2010s during my high school years and I remember seeing Halsey everywhere and falling in love with their music. I fell off for a few years, but when I saw the Graveyard performance at the AMAs in 2019 I was reeled back in -- and I couldn't be more grateful that I saw that performance.

From there I was listening to Manic all the time. I fell in love with it and connected to that album more than I had any album I'd ever heard. 929 is still my favourite song of all time, I love it so much.

I saw Halsey for her IICHLIWP tour in 2022 in Toronto at Budweiser stage and from that day I've been obsessed. Trust me, ask my friends and they will tell you how annoying I am, and I don't care lol.

When I heard The End for the first time in June I cried. For background info, I have been chronically ill for 7 years now. At 21 I randomly began having hip pain and was diagnosed a year later with a form of arthritis in my spine called Ankylosing Spondylitis. I also have Fibromyalgia and a form of Colitis. I write about my experience with my chronic illnesses (currently for WebMD) and I'm a chronically ill/disabled content creator over on IG.

I'd known Halsey was chronically ill, but hearing their experience in just this one song really got me. Then I heard Lucky. The pop song we all needed for the summer of 2024. I was absolutely obsessed with Lucky. I couldn't stop listening; it helped get me through the summer, which was probably the worst summer of my entire life.

I had just gotten out of a relationship that made me very physically ill due to the stress of it (hi, Panic Attack). My friend had passed away due to liver failure, and I was alone for the entire summer. I knew this album was what I needed, and every single that came out helped me keep going. Knowing I'd have to get through the summer to hear TGI helped too.

Fast forward to the release of TGI. Oh my god, I was waiting for this and anticipating it so badly. I wanted to hear it since the second I listened to The End. I knew it would destroy me, but I was ready. As soon as it hit midnight I had my headphones on and I was listening. This album means so much to me, and I relate so much more than I could have ever guessed.

Not just the chronic illness side of things, but the themes of toxic relationships, the relationship with my father, mental health, family, and friends passing away far too early.

Panic Attack describes a lot of my life this past year. In August 2023 I suddenly began vomiting multiple times a day and no one could figure out why. My GI ran tests like a Gastric Emptying Study, an Endoscopy, and bloodwork. Nothing came back, and I was getting extremely frustrated with both him and my body. The vomiting went on for about 10 months. Multiple times a day, almost every single day. During this time I was in a relationship where my partner did not respect my limits in regards to my physical disability. They believed i could do more and told me that to my face. It wasn't until I was months out of that relationship that I realized that the vomiting was caused by the stress of the relationship. The further I get from the breakup, the less I have vomited. Panic Attack has opened my eyes a lot to what stress can do to the body, and how much a relationship can affect you not only mentally, but physically, too. "My spirit has been broken My optimisms getting sore And I would love to love you But my body's keeping score"

The End I already spoke about, but the theme of getting sick and dealing with doctors who won't listen, the confusion of becoming ill every so often with new diagnoses ties into my life quite perfectly. I know I haven't dealt with anything as serious as h has, but I can still relate to this theme heavily.

"If you knew it was the end of the world, could you love me like a child? Could you hold me in the dark? If you knew it was the end of the world, would you like to stay a while? Would you leave when it gets hard?"

Hometown reminds me a lot of my friend Karn, who passed away back in 2021. We went to high school together and were best friends afterward. We would bike together a lot, and then when I got sick, he was the reason I got my first cane. He was my most supportive friend in terms of my illnesses and my limits. I think about him nearly every single day and I miss him to death. The line "he's evergreen at 17 for the last 11 years" hit me like a truck. I'd never really thought about it, but Karn is evergreen at 24. Somewhere in the clouds he's riding his bike and laughing, just like he used to. He will always look the same. ♥ I'm so sorry that h and others can relate. The heartache of losing someone far too young has been so hard on me with multiple of my friends, so I hurt for everyone who can relate.

"Like the others from my high school, all those sad suburban ghosts Trapped in a cross next to a highway, while the rest of us get old"

Hurt Feelings oh boy. I've had a rocky relationship with my father since I was a child. The yelling, the getting mad at me for everything, making me scared of doing anything even slightly wrong. Things have lightened up since he's gotten older, but those memories are always in my brain. I'll never forget the feeling of fear when he would yell. "I'll be changing like the weather but I'll never be like him" Mark my words I will not be that kind of parent. Ever.

"You know my father isn't dead, but it don't feel like he's still here It's strange now that he's grey, getting older by the day And my eyes tell me that he's harmless despite what my heart has to say"

On the topic of parenting, this is one thing that speaking to my therapist made me realize. Something not many people know about me is that I've always wanted to be a parent. My whole life I've just wanted to be a mother. So badly. As the years have gone by and the more sick I've gotten, I've started to realize that this may not happen for me. The amount of energy I will need and the amount of energy I have daily do not match. It absolutely breaks my heart to think about it, but it's something I feel that I need to learn to be okay with. Whether it happens or not, I have to accept it.

So in the conversation with my therapist, I had mentioned that this album featured Halsey's son and there's a lot about him in the songs. She stopped me and said "Oh, she has a son?" and I responded with Yes. "Do you think you relate to this also because that’s something you've always wanted, and how do you feel that she has a child with all of their health stuff going on?". And I was stopped in my tracks. I hadn't thought about it. Obviously, I'm so happy that h has Ender and Avan.

Thinking about it now, I do have to say that I'm envious of them because of how happy they are and that they have this lovely little family building. Something I've always wanted, and something I hope so badly to have someday, despite all of my health issues. I've had many thoughts in my head since becoming sick that I'll never be loved and I'll never be fully understood because of my chronic health issues. My most recent relationship confirmed those fears, though my brain fights those fears because I see others with happy and healthy relationships despite health challenges.

I proceeded to tell my therapist about the photos from Halsey's 30th birthday party, and how happy she looked in them. Something about those photos makes me so happy. The look in h's eyes. I told my therapist that I hope to achieve that feeling someday.

Being a writer and content creator who speaks on my experience on a regular basis, I respect the hell out of you, Halsey. Talking about all of this and making an album surrounding it is so vulnerable, real, and raw. I know firsthand that it is not easy, and it opens up a lot of negativity from people who simply don't understand your experience.

I want to say thank you for TGI. Thank you for all of your music. You've helped me (and so many others) so much and I am forever grateful for you and your words. Your voice is changing lives.

I hope any of this makes sense. This is the first time I've written for fun in literal years, so I may be rusty.

Thank you, h ♥

Love Steff aka totallyfunkless

[theheartslament]

I'm a Villainess

On nights, I find myself getting tortured by the thought of how I’m a Villain in everyone’s story. It’s a realization that came to me while reading the latest chapter of one of my favorite Webtoon novels, “How To Get My Husband On My Side”.

It’s a story about Ruby, a minor villain from a historical novel, who was destined to die at the hands of her husband, Izek. She was already trying hard to survive her dysfunctional family, but now she has to marry the man who is the enemy of her kingdom and who might eventually kill her. To survive, Ruby must convince her husband, Izek, and all his countrymen that she’s completely harmless and not the bad person or villain that everyone thinks she is. Yet, no matter how she tries to change the opinion of others, no matter how she tries to show good, they continue to find fault in her and see her as an unredeemable villain, and not someone who needs kindness and love.

(Webtoon: How To Get My Husband On My Side)

And it hit me — why am I so obsessed with reading Villainess stories? I've been reading it since I was 19, and now that I'm 26, Isekai-d Villainess trope is still a guilty pleasure. I realized that it was because I saw myself as one. A misunderstood villain. I saw myself in her because no one sees us for who we are, no one sees that we're hurting. No one understands the depth of our pain, everyone just assumes we are bad people. Even when I try to do something good for my loved ones, they'll take it the wrong way. Like Ruby, the minor villainess, I felt that no matter how I try to live my life as kindly as I can, it seems meaningless because people will always magnify my flaws and keep bringing up the mistakes that I’ve done in the past while the good deeds I’ve done for them are completely forgotten.

It was exhausting. It’s exhausting for me to prove to myself to other people that I mean no harm, even when I never had any intentions to hurt anybody. It hurts when your loved ones think so little of you, do not even give you the benefit of the doubt, and insist on believing that I’m a secretly bad person for hurting them. I’ve acknowledged my faults again and again, I cannot run from this because I’m a sinner who lives in a fallen world, but it’s disheartening when there are present issues, you’ll hear from them, again and again, the past mistakes, as if God's work in my life is fruitless. I’m unredeemable, and just deemed to be a villain in their story.

Like the villain, it hurt me too when I realized I have friends who have secret animosity towards me. I couldn't fathom how someone could call me their friend and yet all this time they had issues with me that they never addressed. I thought I was overthinking when someone would act strangely toward me, ignoring me and even treating me as if I were a competition or someone who'd steal their crush/boyfriend, despite assuring them I have no romantic interests. I was so hurt they thought so little of me! It hurt me that I was clueless. If only I knew my friend was hurting, I could have apologized and cleared up the misunderstandings and lies she thought of me. But she chose to address her issues with me to other people first while I was left clueless. Her prolonged dishonesty hurt me, God — that she'd defined me as my past self which prevented her from being honest to me. It's disheartening to be assumed that I'm a bad person and easily angered! Frustrating that she’d forgive the other, then put all the blame of her sufferings to me. If they were really my friend, they would choose to see the best in me and not make assumptions. If they were my friend, they would choose to communicate their issues with me, even if the things they tell me will hurt me and they know I might react badly to it. They would have the courage to love, be honest, and embrace my flaws. They would believe that more than my pride, I would apologize if I had to because I love them. But they chose to be dishonest, they chose not to communicate things with me, and not see me in the light. The lack of trust and communication has really caused our friendship to dwindle.

Once again, I felt like the misunderstood villain and she was the victimized heroine. Everyone thinks I'm the cause of her suffering, but not everyone knows or hears my side. They don't know how much I suffered too. I also couldn’t blame my friend for how she reacted for I’m aware of her upbringing. Something that I learned from therapy is that the triggers or conflicts we experienced as an adult are triggers from our childhood traumas.

Allow me God to express my distress that I kept to myself but like Ruby, I felt like I wanted to die. Maybe the world will be a better place for others if a villainess like me ceases to exist. Everyone simply forgets me or think ill of me. I tried my best to encourage myself and live kindly and privately, but I couldn’t stop myself from thinking that I’m an unlovable villain.

They said I shouldn’t overthink that I’m a bad person and see it as my identity, but how could I not? When they kept villainizing me and bringing up my past? It’s spiritually crippling that people are so obsessed to define me with my past, as if they’ve put me in a box and labeled me in how they prefer to see me. Is there really no good in me? But I know to myself that I’m not who they think I am. How they think of me is not within my control. It's much better to just let it go, and let them. Let them talk about me with other people. Let them think badly of me. Let them think whatever they want to. I am responsible for my actions but it's not my responsibility to change their feelings towards me.

Lord, forgive me for my sins.

There will always be people who’ll dislike me, but I know my true value and that I’m deeply loved. R.C. Sproul once said,

"When I think I'm unfairly hated, I try to remember that I'm unfairly loved."

I am unfairly loved by God and that’s more important for me to know. Jesus Christ died on the cross for my sins and He rose again. And in Him, I’m a new creation;

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come (2 Cor 5:17).

I am also forgiven, and no longer condemned (Romans 8:1). If the world keeps a record of my past wrongdoings well God isn’t interested in it. He’s more interested in who I am now, and who I will be in the future. In God’s eyes, I have no past, only a great future. And just the thought of this, His patience and unconditional love and forgiveness that is as vast as the night sky, is a balm to my aching heart.

Don't let anybody remind you who you were. Don't allow your past, whatever that is to bring you down. God wants you to move on. He doesn't want you to dwell in it. When someone tries to remind you of your past, show them what kind of person you are today. Tell them boldly you are a new creation, a brand new treasure of the most High. You are God's special treasure. In His eyes you are significant; you are his treasure.

The scripture says in Isaiah 43:4, "Because you are precious in my eyes and honored, and I love you..." Wow! Isn't it amazing? Despite knowing your past God loves you! Even when God knows you are flawed, you are precious to Him. Let's read it one more time, "You are precious in my eyes and honored, and I love you..."

Despite the anger and pain in my heart, my love was stronger and I could easily make a decision to forget and forgive the inexcusable because God has forgiven the inexcusable in me. Amy Carmichael once said;

If I say, “Yes, I forgive, but I cannot forget,” as though the God who twice day washes all the sands on all the shores of all the world, could not wash such memories from my mind, then I know nothing of Calvary love. If I do not give a friend “the benefit of the doubt,” but put the worst construction instead of the best on what is said or done, then I know nothing of Calvary love. If I feel bitterly towards those who condemn me, as it seems to me, unjustly, forgetting that if they knew me as I know myself they would condemn me much more, then I know nothing of Calvary love.

The world may tell me to burn bridges and cut off those who have animosity, have hurt me, or no longer good for me, but God taught me differently. Jesus Christ didn't do that with me. He saw that I'm someone redeemable through His blood. He unfairly loved me, and I must do the same for the others. How can I profess I know God if I remained unfriendly and hostile to His children. How will I even experience a Kingdom marriage if I’m so quick to distance myself from those who hurt me, what more if it was my spouse? Will I divorce right away because I couldn’t stand his flaws? When my heart feels like it wants to be hardened, I will have to soften it again and again, till I can love my enemies. I thought I had no more love left to give. I thought that I forever turned cold like a true villain, my afflictions had no end! Misery was my companion. But when I truly learned to let go and accept everything. No more bargains and what-ifs with God. I found that my heart became lighter and overflowing. I had so much love to give that I could still care and give gifts (my love language besides time) to those who hurt me in the past. I have love all along, it never came from people but from Him.

God taught me that the purpose of my trials is not to learn things but to unlearn, and one of those is I have to unlearn turning my heart cold and burning bridges to those who are flawed. I will welcome and love every villain like me. I must build boundaries to protect myself but never condemn and cut off people. This was my common mistake before, and again and again, God brought me into the same situation til I learned to love. If I knew Calvary love, I would have to "Foster a spirit of acceptance, forgiveness, and opportunity for people to be redeemed. This will improve your relationships and give you emotional permission to experience those things yourself when others offer them to you."

My friend, don’t give up on loving people. Give the benefit of the doubt, and communicate. Don’t let built up resentment destroy your relationships.

“Relationships often die not because of conversations that were had but rather conversations that were needed but never had.”

― Lysa TerKeurst, Good Boundaries and Goodbyes

[tldr] Izek is actually a kind and patient husband to Ruby. He knew she had a past trauma and it was the biggest obstacle in their relationship. He can see she's twisted inside, that's why she seemed distant and cold, but he never took it personally. He loved her and the only thing he could do was to listen, be patient, and coax her. Even when Izek's kingdom tries to make him think Ruby is a villain, he doesn't care. He would still choose her. After 100 chapters, in these panels, Ruby finally realizes that all along, Izek truly loves and cares for her. She kept doubting him, pushing Izek away, but Izek was persistent to protect Ruby and He would always be on her side, so there was no need for her to try to get him on his side. As a misunderstood villain, her past made her feel unlovable, despicable, and unworthy to others, but Izek's love removed her veil of depression that was suffocating her to death huhu.

I really felt Ruby. Sometimes I find it hard to believe that I’m lovable that I start to keep my distance from everyone who tries to get close to me. But I do desire that one day if it's God's will for me, I want to meet someone like Izek. A man or a friend with the courage to love me despite knowing my flaws and the darkness that lingers within me.

(Webtoon: How To Get My Husband On My Side)

[mcbex]

Hurry up, slow down.

I'm trying to run 1000 miles in 2024. Since I'm not training for any right now I thought this would be a good time for the heart rate runs I've been hoggishly avoiding. This is an exercise where you run slow and keep your heart rate low in order to gain better cardiovascular control over time. It takes a lot of discontenting slow runs to help your heart understand you aren't trying to tax it, you're trying to strengthen it. It's something that I've been avoiding since the beginning because everyone talks about speed.

People want to know: how fast you are, what's your goal time, how long do you think it will realistically take, and so on. I've been the person asking and answering these questions at times. I get pulled into the drama and the pride of wanting to be faster to prove I'm getting stronger. Consequently all my runs have been burnout runs which not surprisingly did not make me faster. They merely left taxed me and questioning how other people managed to make such lofty goals and achieve them while I was busy managing shin splits among other nagging burnout related injuries.

Doing these slow runs force my efforts into a new bracket. The "just because you can doesn't mean you should" bracket. When my heart rate is too high I must walk or slow down. It's time consuming. At first I was ignoring it. I wanted results and to look like I was putting in the effort. However eventually I gave in to doing it properly and what's funny is that in forcing myself to go slower I'm realizing a lot of my life lives in this place. The hurry up space that tells me do it now, do it fast!

I noticed the obsession with this blackguard in my work and home life as well. In my career it is a consequence of living life in a fast paced world. How quickly can I get my work finished, how soon can I reply, when can I be here or there, is there room in my schedule?...I began to read to react instead of listening to engage. I'm sure I'm not the only one the who's been caught on this miserly carnival ride that pinches your time and makes you feel much like a scrambled egg. Most of us are aware yet feel compelled to take part in this behavior even if the only reason for it is 'that's how it's always been done'.

Looking at my cohorts I see people trying to redefine themselves within the bustle by claiming a cacophony of differences. Everyone shouting, I am an individual! However in such chaos and contortion I doubt very few will ever truly get the satisfaction they are looking for in demanding we recognize their differences individually.

Out on the road I must walk and as I do I started to smell the smells of pine or flowers or new pavement. I began to feel the breeze on my sweat ridden brow and watch the grass be moved by the fingers of God. I pray and watch and listen. It rains. Or the sun toasts my skin. Or the wind chafes. It's all very wonderful that when I step out of these obsessions and focus on the purpose that I start to question everything. I wonder what are we in such a hurry for and why is everyone shouting? We're missing, we're missing it all. I love how we can see our purpose so clearly when we shut off the noisy tap of chaos.

I puzzle if we can redefine ourselves in God's grace? Can we use the slow and low heart rate run to stop shouting our differences and hear the whisper of the Lord saying "I am different." ? Can we extend our cardiovascular soul to understand we are different in Christ and the speed we worship is void in the excellence of God's peace? Incidentally your love is made truer and your foundation made stronger by truly walking to that beat. It will show our differences in being a lover of the one true God by our peace in His singularity.

I know it doesn't sound imaginative. It doesn't feel new or reinvented. It's just the constant pulse of a heart rate run built up over a millennia. It's what happens when we break away from the speed and slow down. It's the result of taking a mental picture everything you see and forcing the obsession of life to walk along side us instead of overwhelming our minds with chatter.

We are called to bring others to Christ. We are called to be different than the world. We are called. So let us start by allowing for the time it takes to show them our strength in stillness in the eye of the storm. In the steady heart beat of God's creation.

‭‭Hebrews‬ ‭4‬:‭10‬-‭12: "for anyone who enters God’s rest also rests from their works, just as God did from his. Let us, therefore, make every effort to enter that rest, so that no one will perish by following their example of disobedience. For the word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.”

[gleefullypolin]

There's no way I wouldn't become the worst version of myself if I had to live through this one weekly, hah. I definitely cleared my day because I know if I don't something will happen and god only knows when I'd be able to watch after that.

Yeah, I remember them breaking up Stranger Things which I thought was a good idea as well. That one was a lot easier for me to deal with as a much more casual viewer. And to be fair, it's a decent way to get two months of $$$ from people who only sign up for that month for a show then either have to let it go another month or the people who forget about their trial period they made and they still get the money anyways.

I agree about the ups and downs, it takes them a good minute to be on the same page even while engaged. I think a lot of people took the Ross and Rachel comparison to the extreme of it all when honestly the thing about Ross and Rachel was always their timing which is what I felt they were implying. I think the miscommunication of it all is going to be a hurdle for them, Penelope especially keeps her feelings to herself and god knows Colin is absolutely obsessed with the taste of his own feet at this point by the way he keeps sticking them in his mouth.

For sure, I think he needs to know about LW. Will they hang it over their heads? I don't know. I see ways they can but I'd preferably like him to figure it out so they can hash it out once and for all and the rest of that conflict comes from their own miscommunication/the blackmail/Queen stuff going on. Friends to lovers gives me big time working on it together vibes so I'd like to see that. I don't often love the friends to lovers trope tbh so I'm hoping they really pull through for me the one time I'm really into it, ha.

The way people want him punished is a little much for me. This man is going to be living his karma, he is well and truly going to be suffering from a situation he's going to have a hand it making. His anger was what knocked him right off of his pedestal for her in the book and her keeping the secret from him knocked her sideways in the idea he had of her in the book so I feel like they're taking the spirit of it and using it in the show which is good. It's not as if Penelope has told him she's in love with him. And truly, she loves a version of him he was bound to never live up to so until they're equals in it, I don't think it's going to be whatever the other one is thinking it's going to be.

Oh Eloise. I have started her book recently and my god the woman is impulsive. A tad self centered but I do love the book version of her more than the show version at this point. I really hope Eloise comes around to Penelope's apologies and gives one of her own this season. I think we'll see it but you never know. I think eps 7 & 8 are going to be so much all at once. Between the Queen and the rest of it, it's going to be A Lot.

Yeah, I'm not sure what role LW plays with Benedict but I remember hearing it was pretty important. I know she's not really been a factor in Eloise's book, mostly since it takes place outside of London and Penelope and Colin's book is before hers. It gives too much to the show to really take it away though, I think. Reading the book makes me realize how unnecessary the Marina/Colin plot was since it was added just to the show and now I sort of want to know what they were thinking. It feels like a years early conflict for Polin and no other real reason. No idea why they made her so unlikable in the show at all, seems absurd knowing about the book version of Marina now.

I KNOW I am going to cry. Oh well, I've given into it and accepted it's going to happen. I sat through the 3rd season finale of OUAT crying like a baby over Captain Swan so there's no way this isn't going to do me in.😄

Yeah I can take something more casual weekly. I’m a nerd so I enjoy a variety of shows that I can watch weekly (Game of thrones, Doctor Who, I’m a Trekkie, and yes I handled Strangers Things going in 2 parts just fine) but for some reason this season has got me up in my feels and I just want it now. I read a fan fiction today that had me sooo in my feels I was tearing up and then I was like omg Stacy, get it together you are not going to survive this season!

You made such a valid point about the $$$$ because I have totally signed up for a trial just to watch a show and then cancelled after I binged it! So making it go weekly would totally end that practice!

Yup I think we better buckle up for a wild ride. These two have been utter shit at communication and we can’t expect them to figure out how to do it just because they were suddenly inappropriate together in a carriage lol. I snorted so loudly at the comment about his feet because damn this is so true!! Friends to lovers definitely means we get to see some conflicted feelings from Colin when he realizes his biggest enemy is his biggest alliance. I love so much about that honestly. And it will take working together for them to figure that out together on how they work that out. Because its going to be a serious issue and his love for his best friend and his confusing feelings that have now grown for Pen and his need to now protect her is going to be sooooo huge for him.

I’ll be honest after the end of last season I was on the “beat the crap out of Colin” team…but then I sat with that and all the trailer and stuff for the season came out and I was like how can you want him to suffer more than this? And I’ve been reading Romancing Mister Bridgerton chapters, and that Colin has a heart of gold and so much love for that woman so if we get even an ounce of that, I’m good. But then I think I’m as bad as Pen and have him on a pedestal LOL!! But she definitely up through last season did love a version of him that he could NEVER live up to! And this will be the first real opportunity where she can get to really see the real Colin and be honest with who she is and who he is and actually love him for who he is but lets be honest, Pen needs to learn to love Penelope too.

I’m curious if they will allow Pen/Eloise to reconcile this season or if she will disappear by end of season to start her own story before they resolve their piece. UGH I don’t want to think they leave that part unresolved tho.

I hated hated hated the Marina/Colin plot. Hated it. And I hated the way they wrote the character of Marina. She came in hot and uncaring. I’m curious how they will deal with her and if she will meet the book’s end. But her storyline in the show was annoying to me. Maybe I should read the book and see if I feel differently about her in the story!

I will cry too, I will cry at any well written romance! Oh my OUAT can still make me cry. I can cry over a well written Captain Swan fanfiction. Hell I have cried written Captain Swan fan fiction, I’m an emotional person for sure so I think I’m screwed this season!

[a-heart-like-a-sparrow]

March 8th, 2024 - 95/5

•••┊┊🌙┊┊•••┊┊🌙┊┊•••┊┊🌙┊┊•••┊┊🌙┊┊•••

Okay, so today was International Women's Day. I just wanna say that all women (cis, trans, woman-aligned, whatever) are wonderful and beautiful and are able to do incredible things. I love you, women! You deserve better in life. You deserve respect and love and all good things in the world.

Except if you're a mean one. I don't like you.

You deserve better than this words, too. I'm not good at these things. Sorry.

- from an AFAB enby

Funnily enough, I was actually scared of going home. I changed the path to avoid seeing men. It's a shame because I loved that street. Oh well. Maybe they'll be gone in the winter.

And that's why this day was a 95/5. It was good overall except for these things:

Disgusting men

Heat. It was so hot today wtf

There, that's the list.

But good things happened, too! I watched two episodes of NANA, and I'm loving it! I'm sus about Shoji tho. I don't know why. I just do.

I also listened to MARINA. I always say she's one of my favourite singers, but the truth is that I listen to so much music that I forget about her lol. But since she'll be releasing new music soon, I decided to go back to The Family Jewels, my favourite album by her.

She gets me. I felt every single word she sang. Except for "Obsessions" since that song is probably about OCD (which I don't have... I think).

And of course, I got to see that stupid boy again.

His hair is a bit longer now. And I think it has curls. I only know this because he walked right next to me a couple of times today. But he never sees me... He probably forgot about me.

I should do the same. But it's so hard... I don't know what to do. I think about him every single day and for what??? He's probably the worst guy ever and here I am, going crazy over him.

I don't think I have a crush on him. I'm just lonely and in need of some attention from a male. I'm not proud of that tbh.

I guess he's just busy. I get it, this is his last year of high school.

I'm just some "girl"(?) who acted like an idiot in front of him. He probably thinks I'm stupid. I think the same, too. Maybe that's why he doesn't pay attention to me.

I don't know, I'm so confused about everything.

But if he never appeared in my life, how interesting would it be?

At least I get a bit happier when he's near.

Oh my god, I haven't written so much in a long time! I'm so in my feelings tonight lmao

So yeah, that was all. I'm fucking crazy.

Oh yeah, before I forget. There's a storm outside right now. A few minutes ago I went outside and took some pictures of the sky. I was gonna show the pizza bagels I ate for dinner, but this is more interesting. I was scared of lightning bolts lol

Okay, that was actually all.

Rest well!

I talked too much for a night XD

•••┊┊🌙┊┊•••┊┊🌙┊┊•••┊┊🌙┊┊•••┊┊🌙┊┊•••

PS: While I was writing the tags for this, I realized that y'all would bully me if you saw the guy I've been yapping about lol

Even my friends saw he's ugly. I think he has something... interesting.

Maybe the narrow eyes. I don't know.

I'm not gonna lie, it kind of depends on the angle.

[percymmon]

gonna go on an intensely disorganized rant feel free to ignore me (-:

when i say the first part i don't really mean it in a trans (never was a girl) way but in an intersex way. before i knew i was nonbinary i was still often perceived as a boy as a child. i didn't get to have the puberty that the girls around me had, and my appearance either led to people making fun of me because they didn't know if i was a girl or a boy or it was off putting to people and they kept away from me and i stayed friendless. then it became constant doctors visits and medications and wondering why my girlhood had to be a mental and increasingly physical pain

i was always super mythology obsessed which led to my first real experience in "true girlhood" (what i thought it was supposed to be anyways) being me roleplaying being an attendant of Artemis on the internet and getting to pretend i was someone else and creating a narrative that would make people think i was a beautiful real girl and not a fat ugly intersex one.

i think most people who've known me a while know that it's always been Aphrodite for me since i started worshipping the gods as a kid but it's also always been Artemis. and i haven't thought about it much before now which is a fault on my part but she really is the link that brought me into everything. that i realized i didn't just have to pretend to be hers on the internet but that i really could be and even if the good beautiful girly girl parts were fake me loving her didn't have to be made up.

in a way Artemis has always represented change to me or a threshold in a way. as an adult who is more accepting of myself i feel that i can tie a lot of my intersex experiences to her, especially because they're some of the few things i can remember from my childhood and because they repressed the way that i experienced girlhood. i can't change how those things happened now but i can understand them and myself in different ways. as a kid i thought Artemis was the "goddess for girls" and even though on a level thought i wasn't good enough to be a girl i still thought i was hers, and that's changed and i don't feel that way now but i am happy to still be hers

as i get closer to turning 22 at the end of this month i get this creeping fear (and it's not the first time i've had it) that the act of simply aging is going to deliver me away from Artemis. this isn't to say that i ever think i would stop worshipping her but more that i feel like Artemis is a protector of children and young girls and as i move further into adulthood its only natural that i leave that sphere. she is a goddess of that transition away from being a little girl but im absolutely terrified to let go of that. if it's possible i don't ever want to, but im at a point where i don't know if it's detrimental to me. it could not matter at all honestly and im just thinking too hard about it

but when i keep thinking about it i feel like calling her a goddess of change and growth and transition and thresholds and then being afraid of and trying to ignore the parts of that concept that aren't appealing to me is offensive to her. but at least now i don't feel like there is an answer because i always want to be hers. that i never got to be anyone else's little girl i want to stay Artemis' little girl.

maybe it's selfish or maybe it literally doesn't matter at all. shrug

i never was a little girl and i always will be a little girl. and somehow that's got something to do with Artemis

[allsadnshit]

i just had a moment in recovery where i really noticed how ocd reassurance seeking actually doesn't work because as a "doubting" mental illness you can always dig deeper and doubt harder which is why they encourage people in recovery to not assurance seek and to instead learn to tolerate the discomfort and not empower it! with real event ocd i feel so tempted to tell someone the memories i am reviewing and obsessing over if i am a terrible unforgivable bad person but i realized as i was thinking about it that honestly... even if someone said "no dude you ARE a good person and all your actions are all completely fine and forgivable so no worries" i would really only feel relief briefly? because i know i would just start thinking maybe i wasn't specific enough....maybe i painted myself in too good a light and am not being as honest-honest as needed for them to see i AM a bad person as i obsessively worry about....

and that's it right there, that's the cycle for violence that is obsession, compulsion (reassurance) and then obsession growing even larger as it's fed

it's an endless loop, there is no reassurance so solid for someone suffering with ocd to feel at peace with for more than a while (even if sometimes it does feel like maybe it will be okay).

i've been aware of this concept for a while now as i've been seeking therapy and also reading about it but this was the first time i really understood the pattern on a personal level and why it doesn't work to keep doing the compulsive reassurance seeking.

god damn it this is hard. i hate the word triggered but to be real, i am! and the work, the therapy, the progress... it all makes my ocd fight harder for control. i've formed new obsessive intrusive thoughts since recommitting to my healing as though my ocd is taking harder and harder shots at me to stay in control and it can be so scary and punishing that i consider quitting recovery all together but i can tell deep down that's not the right road. i want to get better.

[selemina]

Time for a thing I've never done on here: writting down my thoughts on a thing I like.

Today I am talking about the Dream SMP SEASON 1 Finale. (Hopefully I tagged it correctly, if not, SPOILERS AHEAD)

I started it with Tubbo. Incredibly gripping acting, he had such a hard time actually launching the nukes knowing Tommy would die. Jack being there, obviously dying to get it done so he could be rid of Tommy, but also trying to remain a friend for Tubbo, in his own goofy/rough way, was fantastic. And their conflict once the nuke launches put into light the core issue of the server : everyone wants peace, but grudges built up so high with no perspective, that now all that is left is harm. Harm, and trauma, and everything being taken from everyone by everyone else.

All everyone wants is for it to stop. Whatever it takes. Including if it means nuking the server, because the hurt built up on itself to this breaking point.

Them failing to reach Tommy was heartbreaking. Jack was barely starting to have hope to be with his friends again, Tubbo tried so hard to save Tommy, rather than keeping himself safe like he promised. But it was always going to be this way, wasn't it? He was always going to come running after his best friend.

I then went back to watch Jack's stream, set before Tubbo's, to get a full picture. There were already signs of hope from Jack that Tubbo might get away from harm (in his mind, Tommy) and get happier with him. So later when Tubbo re-defined what the harm was (Dream and Tommy's CONFLICT!), it helped Jack balance his opinion on Tommy, at least enough to try to save him to the very end, even when Tubbo had given up.

I don't think he forgave him just like that. But he understood that Tommy was hurting, and that was a part of why he did everything he did that harmed Jack.

And we find this same theme of understanding on Tommy's stream. Not FORGIVENESS, but understanding.

Desperate to hold Dream and Punz in place, Tommy had the right idea, to make them talk about themselves. Except this time he also had to listen, to pay attention. In case he could get new buttons to push to keep them there. And, through the frankly unhinged and evil talk, he did start to see it too : Dream had been hurting. Because of him, because of the mounting grudges, the escalation of pain and retribution. Again, the true plague on the server, and like everybody else, Dream had suffered from it.

His way to deal with it is bad : torture, experiments, mind games, revenge in every direction. Getting lost in his work, anything to look away from the pain and the loss. His road to immortality was his "nuke", his "after that we can be happy and free, so the cost now does not matter".

Tommy and Dream are very similar. But Punz and Tommy were both right in the previous stream : Tommy thinks too small, and Dream thinks too big. Tommy is selfish, and his scale is very human ; Dream has lost touch with that very human scale, and only sees concepts and greater things.

And they both hurt one another because of it. Tommy obsesses over the harm Dream dealt him, while Dream is too disconnected to realize how SEVERE the harm he's doing is, because "in the grand scheme of things it doesn't matter."

"I would have revived you." with a scoff, against a shaking "But it hurts...!"

And that, to me, is where the finale became incredible.

Tommy, selfish, self-centered Tommy, saw through the layers of pain. He empathised. He's been there, even if his way of coping was to curl up within himself and lash out, rather than disconnect from it to go play god. It would have been easy to keep going. Satisfying maybe, to push Dream in the lava and kill him. To be selfish again and only think of his own pain. But that is where Tommy really showed strength and growth : he UNDERSTOOD Dream. Not forgave him, no the harm remains, and it would take forever and an insane amount of good will to heal that... but Tommy had the strength to give the first bit of this good will to Dream.

Because someone has to break the cycle. Because if everyone wants peace, why can't they start to let go of the grudges, and gain perspective?

It demands an amount of vulnerability that is striking, to let go of grief and accept that you hurt someone. And to apologise for the harm done is even harder. It does not invalidate everything that happened : Dream still tortured and played with Tommy. Tommy still ambushed and killed Dream, dividing the server, and refusing to stay down.

But through this bit of good will and understanding, Tommy showed Dream that they could do something else but fight. They could talk. Dream's pain could be taken seriously, not just shoved far at the back of his mind and ignored. Tommy showed him that he could think BIGGER than himself... and that Dream could think smaller, think about himself on a human scale.

"It's not worth it, right?" "Why not? Tell me why not?"

Tommy, selfish Tommy, reached out. And Dream, hurt and dangerous Dream, agreed to come down and take his hand. A first step, for once in the same direction. For once with the same goal of peace. Not perfect, not easy, but human, so incredibly human!

And they never got the time to go further, because of the nuke. Tommy clearly regretted that, and apologized (in my opinion) for robbing both of them of more time to maybe heal finally. Because despite understanding and perspective, the consequences of the harm done still existed. And there was no way to escape it.

At least not on that server. That is where a lot of sentiments from many CCs come into play : comments, in and out of character, about how the smp is a violent, destructive place. Build a house out of wood and it will be burnt to the ground. Hide your belongings, expect to die, trust no one. The smp is like living under a constant state of terror. Despite Eret and Aimsey's efforts and first steps towards a better, sainer state for the smp, the damage is done, the grudges are weaved into the history of every block.

The only way is to start anew, with none of those grudges. Which means, none of those memories. A clean slate, to do better. A clean slate, to breathe again, and have fun. Something new, with this knowledge on understanding and perspective, that comes with age and experience.

Would I have loved to see Dream and Tommy continue to take time, carefully dancing around one another, balancing compassion and trauma to finally forgive one another and become friends? Fuck yeah! I live for that healing shit, for people learning to cope with how they hurt others and how they got hurt, for remorses and relapses, and the care and patience it takes to FORGIVE when the time is right and the growth is real! But do I think the CCs had time for that? No. And they were too many characters, and too shackled by history and their own personalities to all follow that path of healing. So taking this into account, YES starting over was a good move!

And if I know many are bitter about how "easy" that is, rejoice! We get to experience a new era! I have heard so much about "the begining times of the smp", we get to live it again now! New, different, the possibilities are endless! :D It's time for us as well to let go of the past and finally get what we wanted : peace and joy and something new!

I cannot wait to see what happens next! This finale was powerful and subtle, with layers of doom and sensitivity, it was human and emotional and full of despair and hope! Growth, so much growth, 2 years of experience! This next season is going to be fantastic, and I hope the CCs have fun with it regardless of what anybody online says! :D

[reflections-in-a-critical-eye]

I’m sorry if you already discussed this, what are your thoughts on the narrative "BTS has been/is being mistreated by the music industry" that goes around in the fandom? as much as I am a fan, and I do see some eyebrow-raising stuff + obvious examples of racism and ostracism, I feel like this idea of "Bangtan against the world/they’re been sabotaged" sounds lowkey conspiracy-ish at times. Are they really? Maybe I’m naive, I don’t know. I’m especially lost when it comes to streams and platforms such as Spotify/YT filtering the streams. I mean, the fandom is so huge now and people are playing songs on repeat for the sake of it, it does not seem like a really faire competition to me… they’re not the only ones doing this for sure as it seems to be a common thing in kpop fandoms but it seems like a taboo topic to question it… I guess I’m too old for this, lol (33 yo), i don’t get why people are so obsessed with the ranking and it seems like it keeps feeding the idea that it’s Army the savior of poor mistreated BTS against the whole mean industry (which is probably a pithole anyway). Every time I’ve tried to introduce my friends around my age to kpop, the first thing they always say is that they have a bad image on the genre because the fans are completely unhinged which does not make the music very welcoming unfortunately. I find it sad that fans don’t realize that they’re actually probably doing more harm than good.

Anon 2

My god, BMT, have you seen the whole Spotify/Lisa/ARMY fiasco on Twitter? When will these fans accept the fact that BTS aren’t victims—haven’t been for a long time—and they don’t need ARMYs protection? Then again, of course the behavior will continue when BTS encourage (James Cordon, “got ARMYs right behind us when we say so”, blah blah blah). It’s embarrassing and disgusting 💀

I've said times multiple times and nothing happened to change my mind as of today, but Army is still victimizing BTS because it's an integral part of the fandom's raison d'etre. They need to fight, they need to be the savior. And how many times have I not seen I-Army calling out the Korean fans for not streaming enough which once again, is done as a way to put themselves on this superior position in which the foreigner knows best and is the only one able to save and truly love an uplift this Korean group. But this overall mentality is found across the board. Of course it's dumb.

I saw the tweets for the past two days and honestly, it looks like desperation to me, for something that truly doesn't make any sense. Army is still there in the trences for an imaginary war that has long been won already and they are on the winning side, except they don't want to recognize it because without that war, they have no purpose. In 2022, is BTS a group dependent on streams? Really? Is that a main concern? They made it. They made a long time ago, which only makes this even more ridiculous. For this fandom, numbers will always matter most and not the quality of music, despite preaching that it's the most important aspect they're interested about and the reason why they "stan" BTS. Except they fail or won't admit that this is also about them and how they're in competition with every single person on this planet who is not BTS or BTS-approved.

They make BTS as victims when these so-called victims get to have a stage at Lollapalooza, debut one song on a stadium tour in Argentina, sing at the World Cup and without being a well established solo artist, a place at NPR Tiny Desk. Those are opportunities that came because as a group, they reached a certain level of success and fame that opens those types of doors. They are not debuting a solo song on Music Bank, but on world stages. And somehow, they still need a fandom to fight insignificant battles.

[rayofsunas]

s/o who dies.

A/n: listennnn, I wasn't going to write something dark, but then I unregretfully decided to listen to edgy/dark audios and I was suddenly in the mood to write this so yeah lmao. also, guess what? I'm planning on making a discord server right after posting this! so, be on the lookout for that when I get it all sorted out. also, note for Scaramouche's that the reader inserts tend to lean more femininely versed (I hope that's okay), the only reasons why I do that is because one I simp and I'm female AND two since I am doing a mini-series for Scara, I've kind of based his imagines/fics around that universe (baby daddy universe). I haven't started his yet, but consider these part of that series' universe. anyways as always thank you for requesting anon and enjoy! <333

Summary: you die + how the boys cope afterward.

Parings: Albedo/Gn! Reader, Xiao/Gn! Reader, Scaramouche/Fem! Reader

Warnings: swearing, angst, death, poison, illness/cancer, murder, arson, obsessive behavior

Word count: 2.1k

Albedo

"You need to keep this on your head." Your lover said for the one-hundredth time, placing the cold cloth on your forehead once again after taking it off only seconds earlier.

"This is pointless," You said, no longer wanting to ignore nor hide behind the invisible thick curtains of the obvious death sentence approaching. "My body rejected the medicine the first twice doses, what's a third time going to do?" You asked, knowing Albedo wouldn't answer; your hope was to knock some sense into his thick skull. but he was too worried trying to ignore the obvious as you had previously been doing, not anymore though.

This was saddening to watch, both Albedo's unfolding and the girl who accidentally poisoned you, whimpering into Sucrose's shoulder. She was only a young girl, barely seventeen when she was chosen to work under Sucrose and your boyfriend. She was very good at Alchemy and luckily had a desire to practice the craft. But unfortunately, she hadn't paid much attention when it came to Surcrose's educational poison lesson and had unknowingly mixed up poisonous liquids and materials.

After tipping over some clutter in Albedo's office and knocking over a test tube laying unsealed on the counter, you had realized the contents spilled on your skin, bleaching into your pores. You had been tasked with bringing the famed alchemist and his assistant some vials and materials for the collection of a rare butterfly they had found. It was both telling and obvious that something was wrong when you never showed up with the required materials requested and it was already too late hours later when the chief Alchemist, his assistant, and Alchemist in training came bounding down the stairs of Albedo's home laboratory.

It didn't take long for the trio to realize something was wrong. Sucrose had found the vile on the floor, most of its contents spilled and in a little puddle, plus your state on a nearby lounge chair was obvious; slumped awkwardly, forehead visibly sweating, eyes closed, breathing raspily.

You accepted the first doses of the supposed nullifying medicine without hesitation, just wanting the numbing feeling to go away. But when it never kicked in you decided it would be best to save the medicine, because it wasn't working. Your time was coming.

"Since the medicine is taking immediate effect, you should try to get the contents out of your system," He said, reaching out for you. Badly you wanted to argue that the medicine wasn't working at all, but he wasn't listening and already has his lean arms wrapped around your middle, helping gently lift and guide you over to the sink.

You hear materials being shoved to the side and soon enough you had your head dangling over the sink, shaking hands gripping the metalled edge tightly. Soon enough, Albedo's hand was on your back rubbing up and down, hoping to comfort you, it wasn't working though. You could only think about your death, what the other side would look like. Could there even be heaven or hell, maybe a place in between, maybe nowhere...?

As soon as you felt the urge to vomit, you did, and despite it being utterly disgusting Albedo seemed to welcome it happily. He took this as something good, but it only worried you when you saw the reddish hues in the bile.

"I think they should leave." You muttered acknowledging Sucrose and Elizabeth, the taste of gooey, metal only becoming more apparent. The blonde agreed, nodding and muttering "Okay."

As Sucrose lead Elizabeth towards the stairs, the pair heard you say. "Goodbye Sucrose, Elizabeth." Which only seemed to make the young girl wail louder.

You sighed sadly once the silence was back. Just your thoughts of death, and Albedo's slowly crushing heart.

"You should probably leave soon as well. I don't want you to be here when I go." Albedo frowned at your statement, head shaking.

"Don't say things like that."

Of course, he'd say that. Why did he feel the need to ignore this when it would only come back to hurt him even more later on when you were gone?

"You're the smartest man I know and we both know where this is heading," You said, head feeling much heavier than before. It was getting closer to your time. "I'm going to die, and you can't do anything about it."

"I'm not leaving your side. We promised to stick together through everything, you can't ask me to leave."

"I guess... But promise me this."

"When I go, stop blaming Elizabeth. It was an accident..." You said sincerely. Albedo wanted to make a fuss about it, tell you he'd never been able to forgive her. But for you, he would try. If it was your list desire, your last wish, he'd make it come true. Though it would be difficult. Accidental or not, she was the reason you were leaving him here, alone.

"Okay, I'll try..." He said honestly.

"Thank you," You said, letting out a shaking breath you had been holding for a very long time. Now you felt much more peaceful. "And since I know you stubbornly won't leave," You started, finally turning away from the sink to look into his cerulean eyes. "At least hold my hand."

"Of course, love."

even a year after your death, no matter how hard he tried, there was still this nagging feeling every time he looked at Elizabeth

he wanted too badly forgive her, but he couldn't

she had, although accidental, taken the one person that meant so much to him and he'd never forgive

Albedo is gonna be distant towards everyone he knows and it's completely purposeful

he doesn't like the pitiful gazes that people send his way and he hates that all the captains stared at him at your funeral

obviously, some questioned if he was able to stay in the field

he hadn't taken any time off, even when Jean advised he was welcome and that it would be best

tbh, albedo's going to have a hard time for a while

Xiao

Why did it have to be you? Why not him? He'd feel much better knowing you could live another day, after all, he'd been living a very long time.

But no, the fallen Archons, Gods, Yaksha had chosen you to join them. He wished that weren't the case

Humans and their pathetic vessels... So weak, he thought. Allowing something like cancer to beat them.

No matter how harsh it sounded, he didn't despise you, no. It wasn't your fault. You didn't ask for this. He just knew that if you were a godly being this wouldn't have happened like this or at least not so soon; Xiao had known Gods that had terminal illnesses to live years. Why couldn't you be like them?

He hated watching you lie there in that bed, immobile, sickly, and tired, and all you could say was that everything was going to be alright, that he'd be alright.

But it wasn't. He wouldn't be okay without you. He would struggle daily, fall deeper into a hole. You were the light of his life, the only light in his life. And you were gone, just like that. Turning external scars into internal ones tattered all over his dying heart.

Xiao for the longest time has been by himself, so the people of Liyue know it'll be harder for him to overcome this, no matter what he says or does to prove otherwise

Zhongli in particular knows how hard this will be for his friend

his first and probably last love, dead, gone in the blink of an eye

he'll continue fighting all the monsters he crosses, becoming even more violent when he does so, trying his best to get rid of this stupid sickly feeling of heartbreak

but it won't go away, no matter what he does, no matter how absurd

he just wants the feeling to go away, he despises that feeling so much

if you have a secret place somewhere, like in the mountains, Zhongli often finds him there, wallowing in invisible self-pity

"You know they wouldn't want you to be like this." Zhongli would say, only trying to help

but it doesn't

it only enrages Xiao, even more, fuels him to push everyone out of his life again instead of letting them in like he'd done in your presence

Scaramouche

How dare you. How dare you leave him like this. Alone, nonetheless with a toddler to raise who kept crying for her mommy. He couldn't do this without you, he didn't know how to raise a child, speak to her with the gentle care that you did. That was your expertise but now he'd be doing it solo.

And never again would he entrust someone who he cares about, into ignorant, incompetent arms. Never again will he ever allow any member of the Fatui to watch after his daughter; no matter their rank or position. They had one job while he was away doing business in Liyue. Guard your home twenty-four seven, accompany you into Inazuma's port town should you need anything, watch after his daughter while she plays happily in the luscious Inazuma fields. And they couldn't do that. All he gave them was one simple task, watch and keep you and your daughter safe. Instead, they slacked off, probably drunk in some bar while you were being brutally attacked by murderous mercenaries, left to fend for you and your daughter, only to die protecting her and leave your home to be severely burned.

He knew those idiotic Fatui soldiers were incompetent the moment he stepped foot into the harbor and found that everyone seemed to quiet down. Especially the eerily silent soldiers flanked on each side to welcome him home; he was the highest-ranking soldier in the land of Inazuma after all. Not a single one bothered to step forward and tell him what was wrong, what they all criminally allowed happen. Scaramouche only realized what had happened when he was mere minutes away from arriving home, his daughter had come running from his widowed mother's arms, the sight of smoke rising in the air, from the direction of his home. You were nowhere to be seen.

It all happened so fast, in the blink of an eye. His daughter was clinging to his shirt and his mother only stared with tears of pity.

It didn't take long for the puzzle pieces to be put together and before he knew it, Scaramouche was standing in front of his home, part of it burnt to a crisp and black.

He didn't need to ask what happened, he didn't need to know where you were, because he already knew. What he didn't know was who exactly had done this. But he was going to find out, now.

Incompetent, selfish, bastards. They would all pay for this. The lazy piggish Fatui soldiers who he should've never trusted with such a simple task and the thieves who had murdered you. They all had it rightfully coming.

Scaramouche hates the world after he lost you

he hates it so much and can't understand how this had happened

he's not a good person, so he blames it on karma and those stupid idiots who couldn't protect you

ngl, he's not gonna be around much after your death... his mother would argue that he should be here to raise your daughter, because she's also in pain and doesn't understand that this isn't some game of hide and seek this time

instead, he's focused and driven by revenge

he doesn't listen to a word anybody says, he's much more dangerous than before, and he only trusts his judgment

anyone trying to get him to stop his mission, is someone who doesn't want to see him happy he thinks (though that's not true at all. they hate that he is obsessive over this) but he will personally put a stop to that

and he'll only return home to his daughter and mother when he finds who did this and they along with their bloodline is exterminated

while he's gone, the remainder of his family is relocated somewhere he knows they'll be safe, for example, even though he despises childe, he knows his mom and daughter will be safe with his family

sorry, but Scaramouche will hold this deep-rooted hatred and love for you after you die

yes, he still loves and misses you dearly, but he hates you for leaving him alone, hates that although it wasn't intentional and out of your control, that you were gone

no matter how hard you tried to fight, it was selfish of you to leave him like this

he's not going to stop until he believes whoever was behind this is dead

and in his case, he'll stop believing when he chooses, even if they are innocent/guilty, he'll keep going

3.19.21, rayofsunas