#god i had so many old sideblogs that...

[uglyf4wn]

where do i put all my vent edits?? my kpop stuff??? my traumacore stuff??? my not sfw thoughts and pics??? my yancore stuff????? maybe that anon was right and i am autistic but in my head i have a specific way i wanna do it, and i had a thing goin for every day for six years... call me chronically online or whatever but that was my only escape from reality..... where do i post everythng now??? plus everything i created and made and posted for six years is just gone... what even is the point in postimg

[carmyberzattosjournal]

Entry 16: Well-Versed Pas De Deux

Screenshot Credit: @neverscreens

Bearblr Promptober Day 16: Bonfire

Summary: Carmy is struggling with menu changes for the next month, his girlfriend (who he calls Darling) reminds him of the bonfire they were supposed to attend, and she does a little thing that gets right under his skin. Smut.

Warnings: Smut, swearing, oral sex (f receiving), fingering, mention of family trauma, mention of The Devil (aka Chef David), fem reader who is a trauma surgeon, she/her pronouns.

Notes: All journal entries will be titled as such and tagged with #cb journal.

Thank you for reading. Thank you to @carmenberzattosgf for putting together this prompt list. If you want to keep following this set of works, you can follow the #cb journal tag.

Also, if random letters or words are white instead of the colors they should be, that's Tumblr being dumb, I've been fighting it for days.

Sideblog for commentary and yapping: @m-z-shoroi

16 Oct 2024

My apartment, now back up to two bad radiators (this is how I’m keeping track of time anymore, how many radiators are still working. These fucking pieces of shit can go burn in hell with the landlord. I swear to God, I’m having nightmares of them breaking at critical moments, this is stupid as fuck. RADIATORS.). I’m at the dining table with three half-formed dishes for the November menu changes staring at me—one of them was the duck with apple glaze that Tina proposed, I’m pretty sure. The others? No idea. This head’s a colander. I don’t know how I do anything, for fuck’s sake. Best chef award, my ass.

“Carmy? Baby?” Darling’s voice ripped me out of my thoughts.

She hovered between the kitchen and living room. Had going-out clothes on, that sweater with the—were they cables? I think they’re called cables—her fleece-lined jeans that she patched the knee of with flannel from a very old shirt of mine, hat. Holding a scarf.

“Hm? Sorry. Sorry, I’m… fuck.” I dragged my hands through my hair, rubbed my eyes. “Sorry, these menu changes are killing me. I didn’t hear a word you said, I’m so sorry.”

She shuffled over, wrapped her arms around me. “It’s okay; it happens.”

I nuzzled her sweater. Took a deep inhale of her scent.

“I was asking if you still want to go to the bonfire.”

Bonfire? My stomach dropped through the floor. Fuck, that was today, wasn’t it?

“Shit.” I looked at the clock. 7:09 pm.

“It’s okay, we’ll still make it on time if we leave in 15 minutes. If you still want to go.”

“I-I don’t, uh—fuck.” Shit. My face flooded with warmth. Shit, I even had it in my calendar, how the fuck did I forget? I pressed the heels of my hands into my cheekbones as if I could somehow physically force the heat back out of my face. Or maybe covering my eyes makes me feel safer, somehow? I don’t know, that’s a question for the eventual therapist (who I feel bad for, by the way. Fucking hell, therapy is going to suck).

Darling brushed her hand up and down my sternum. “Hey, hey, breathe.”

I heaved a breath. My head spun.

“I want to hear about the menu, but if you’re going to go, you should decide now so we can leave on time.”

“I-I don’t know? I don’t know, I need to think.” I didn’t mean to hiss it between my teeth. My face got warmer. Now my chest felt warm, like I’d just opened an oven.

I don’t know that I’ll ever be able to appropriately appreciate the silence Darling offers me. Like in that moment, she alerted me to being pressed for time, but then she just gave me runway to think, to broil under my own skin for a bit and then come to the realization that the sky isn’t falling and that whatever pitchfork crowd I conjured in my anxiety-riddled mind didn’t exist. I didn’t even realize that’s what was going on with me at the time—why I involuted and imploded so ferociously when I perceived myself fucking up. A lifetime of violent retaliation for mistakes meant that even when the logical part of my mind knew that I wouldn’t be pierced with verbal javelins, or have to dodge something thrown at me, or assuage a tsunami of an emotional assault, I got wound up like they were coming. Those cavernous scars ran to the bone. And band-aids and skin glue wouldn’t fix the damage all the way down.

And Darling knew that, too.

“I, um. I’m-I���m not sure about going,” I managed. My breaths were short, bit like that time I had pneumonia as a kid, but the burning in my face had subsided.

“Do you want to go?”

How was I supposed to answer that? The apple glaze for the duck could use some brightness. Not acidity. Maybe something herbal? Lemon zest?

Wait, she asked me a question.

“Shit. Uh, I-I don’t know. I mean, it’d be nice, but these fucking menu changes.” I nudged the plates away from me. “Fuck my life…”

She hooked my chin and turned my gaze up to her. “Can I make a proposal, pretty boy?”

Something warm stirred in the pit of my stomach at hearing her call me that again. Fuck, she looked gorgeous. Had this little sparkle in her eyes because of the way the lights came through the blinds, put on lipstick for the first time in a while, and damn if it didn’t make her look like a million dollars. If it didn’t bring out the lively, rich color in her face, the love in her smile. Her necklace—did she say it was some kind of pearls? Vintage?—shimmering white, shifting iridescent tones, landed half a centimeter above the notch between her collarbones as if the best architect in the world composed this masterpiece of visual design.

“Please,” I whispered. Please, you have all of my attention. Every last thread of it. Please, please, for the love of whatever the fuck you believe in, call me pretty boy again.

“Take your notebook with you, hm?” She ran her fingers through my hair. “I’ll drive on the way over, so you can write down any ideas that come up. You might have some ideas at the bonfire itself—you know, the smell of the flames, the food there. And if you need it, you can always head to the car and write in the quiet.”

I took her hand and pressed my lips to her palm. Soft. A bit cooler in temperature. “I should get out, huh?”

“A change of scenery might be helpful for you right now. And I do want to go.”

I nodded, pressed one last kiss to her palm. “Yeah. Yeah, okay.”

Mother of pearl.

That’s what her necklace was made of.

…..

The bonfire didn’t give me many ideas, but Syd did.

“Is there any other way to brighten the apple glaze?” she asked. “Like do you have to add something?”

Some of Darling’s friends had organized this little thing, some kind of Fall tradition for them. I was her plus one. Upsides: quieter than a big public thing; at night, so plenty of chances to Irish Goodbye into the shadows (is that offensive?); trees nearby, so I could just become a tree man (there’s a word for this. Darling told me, I’ll write it in if I remember. Cryptid. That’s the word) in the middle of it all, I guess. Downsides: more intimate setting, so higher expectation to socialize; at night, so who even knew what beasts and ghouls lurked in the shadows; and the trees were suffocatingly gigantic. I could get crushed by trying to look up at them. Also, several people stared at me like I was a rack of lamb, and it made me deeply uncomfortable. It did start getting a bit raucous about 30 minutes in, and I’d sent a (cryptic, now that I think about it) text to Sydney on the drive over, so she called me at the perfect time for me to duck out and get a break.

So, there I was, about 15 feet away from the bonfire, crouched against a tree to give my back a break, chill of the night air starting to creep under and around my jacket, watching Darling laugh at a good story, meeting her eyes to check in, watching her, meeting her eyes.

“What, like, take something away?”

Like The Devil told me to do?

“Yeah, or, like, maybe try a different type of apple or a different sort of… I don’t know.” She sighed. “We sure we wanna stick to an apple glaze?”

“It’s a solid idea. And it was Tina’s.” I was determined to make it work. She’d done too much for me to not try to make it work. “Finely diced green apples? Orange zest? I could try taking out the cinnamon.”

“What’s that gonna do?”

“It’ll take out the bass note. Cinnamon sits low in the palate, it’s-it’s a bass note. Means we get more tenor.”

“I’m sorry, are you using music terms?” Ugh, I could hear her smiling.

Warmth pricked at my cheeks. I hate that my voice came out so small when I said, “It’s how I think.”

Sydney either didn’t notice or decided not to aggravate the situation. “Okay. So, take out the cinnamon.”

Darling tilted her head at me.

“Yeah. I’ll give it a try. I, uh, I gotta go, Darling needs me.”

“Oh. Yeah, sure. Let me know how menu goes tomorrow, yeah?”

“Yeah.”

I headed back over to the bonfire. She offered me a s’more—very needed, fucking hell, I just needed some junk food sometimes to reset after sampling duck and bluefin and wagyu so much. Cheap chocolate, half-stale baking spices, half-charred fake vanilla. Caramelized sugar. Sharp snap of graham cracker, the bubbly warmth of melted marshmallow. She swept a bit of melted chocolate from my lip. Sucked it off her thumb.

Had no fucking idea how bad it wrecked me.

Not until we got back home, and I needed to get clothes off and yank her forward by her belt loop and impatiently shove her hands towards my hair. She giggled that saccharine melody, tangled her fingers through my curls, and then screeched in surprised delight when I just picked her up and marched straight for the bedroom.

“Carmy! Goodness!”

My kisses were sloppy because I couldn’t stop grinning. “Don’t wake the neighbors.”

Maybe it was the 4 sips of cheap whiskey I had at the bonfire.

She yanked off my t-shirt and coiled around me, her skin cool against mine, while I made short work of the rest of our clothes.

“God, you’re so warm all the time,” she mumbled, nuzzling my shoulder.

I found a few moments to slow back down. To just enjoy how her skin felt on mine, how her body fit perfectly right in my hands. Traced over the round of her hip, the curve of her thighs, palmed at her perfect tits.

“No, no,” she said, pulling back to smirk at me. “You’re supposed to be fucking me right now.”

I kissed her. “You’re cute.”

“You’re hot.” She untangled herself from me and flopped onto the bed, stretching her arms like a satisfied cat. Faint light spilling in from the windows cast these deep, pitchlike shadows over her form, highlighting, in breathtaking contrast, every feature on her face, every facet of her architecture. Should I have thought about it any further, I might’ve absorbed the sight longer, embedded it in my mind, attempted to recapture it at the end of my pencil, but her giggle drew my attention.

“Now rail me already.”

I appreciate her bluntness so much.

She tensioned fistfuls of my hair when I trailed wet kisses up the inside of her thigh. Draped her other leg over my shoulder with practiced ease. This is a familiar dance, a well-versed pas de deux. One where I paint my hand up and down that thigh on my shoulder to soothe her when my lips finally meet her cunt, and she lets out that whimper that cinches the tight, burning, merciless heat of arousal deep in my navel. Where she breathlessly begs and whimpers and whines my name when she’s wracked by an orgasm on my tongue, more so when she’s ruined under me with her legs tight around my waist, tight enough to leave bruises along my hip bones, for me to feel sore when moving around the kitchen the next day—reminders of her, like the scratches I’d get, the lipstick stains I’d guard under my clothes and that I’d try to keep around as long as they’d last.

Maybe it was just love, by the way.

That’s an option, you know, Carmen. You just love her that much.

“I’m so close,” she mumbled. Her fingernails worried sore spots on my scalp, but I couldn’t find it in me to stop her from doing it. She was so tight around my fingers, so wet on my tongue, so hot—I don’t know if I’ll ever get used to it. I don’t want to get used to it.

I withdrew my fingers, and she tugged particularly hard on my hair. “No, no, don’t stop,” she wailed.

“Ow, baby girl, too hard.”

She let go immediately, pet my face to apologize. “But I’m… oh…”

I’d crawled onto the bed. She pulled herself up towards the headboard, coiled her limbs around me and yanked me down into a starved kiss.

“Fuck me already, please, pretty boy.”

Who was I not to oblige?

[navybrat817]

Home Video

Pairing: Dark!Nick Fowler x Female Reader

Summary: Nick has the perfect movie to watch with you.

Word Count: 500

Warnings: Implied NONCON/DUBCON, held hostage, possessive and obsessive behavior, light pussy slapping, voyeurism of sorts, Nick Fowler (he's a warning, okay?).

A/N: The Basement Spouses Writing Challenge Week 3! Character: Nick Fowler. Length: 250-500 words. Prompt: "Test me one more time and I won’t hesitate to wring that pretty little neck of yours." ❤️ A small follow up to See Through You. Written on my phone, so any and all mistakes are my own. Divider by the talented @saradika . Please follow @navybrat817-sideblog for new fics and notifications. Comments, reblogs, feedback are loved and appreciated!

Nick fluffed your pillow with a smile as he finished setting the bedroom up for movie night. He told you he had a hectic day at work and needed to unwind. You glanced at the makeshift table beside the bed where the snacks and drinks were waiting, but made no move to grab anything. It wasn’t because you weren’t hungry.

It was because Nick decided to bind your hands before he did anything else.

He stretched out beside you, still dressed in his work clothes minus his jacket and shoes. You were completely naked, of course, since he liked you best without clothes. You missed being in your own bed, but you hadn’t been home since that fateful day at the carnival. It was difficult to even look at your own reflection without remembering how he fucked you in front of so many mirrors.

“I think you’re going to love this one,” Nick smiled as he pressed a couple of buttons on the remote, a familiar room showing up on the screen at the foot of the bed.

“Oh, my god,” you whispered as you saw yourself on the television, your body stretched out in your old bed as you touched yourself. You almost didn’t want to believe him when he admitted that he bugged your place. That he knew what you sounded like when you came. But his obsession and passion for you ran deep. “Nick-”

“Told you, sweetheart,” he groaned, palming himself as you tore your gaze away. “You make such pretty noises.”

“Turn it off,” you whispered, shutting your eyes when you heard yourself moan from the speakers. “Please.”

“Why would I do that? Listen to you,” he said, forcing your legs apart so he could slide his hand between them. You whimpered as he mimicked the motions he saw on the screen. His fingers were longer, his touch more possessive than your own. “Music to my fucking ears.”

“Stop touching me,” you demanded, trying to shut your legs.

“No, sweetheart,” he said as he turned the volume up, your cries building in the room.

“Shut it off!” you yelled over the sound. “Stop touching me!”

He took a breath before he removed his hand and licked his fingers in silence. Before you could sigh in relief, he brought it back with a hard smack to your pussy. You shrieked when he did it again. “Test me one more time and I won’t hesitate to wring that pretty little neck of yours.”

“Sorry,” you said immediately, shivering when brought his hand to your neck and rested it there. He promised he wouldn’t hurt you and you believed him. Was it a lie? “I’m sorry, Nick.”

A second passed before he chuckled, but you didn’t laugh with him. “Oh, sweetheart. I’d never hurt you,” he promised, groaning as he looked at the screen again. “But I will make you come harder than any of your toys ever could. And you’ll sound even prettier when you take my cock.”

He's deranged and I love him. 😈 Love and thanks for reading! ❤️

Masterlist ⚓ Nick Fowler Masterlist ⚓ Ko-Fi

[aprilmayverse]

mayverse dash simulator 2 but this time its if they had a fandom

💀 winered Follow "we need more complex mentally ill female characters" you people couldnt even handle june july.

💄 october-november Follow why are we all acting as if april was in the wrong for not wanting to traumadump on a literal child?

👠 pinkbitchnamedbreakfast Follow she literally did not tell her anything

💄 october-november Follow did she not tell her about the poisioning.

👠 pinkbitchnamedbreakfast Follow yeah, nearly half a decade after it happened

💄 october-november Follow well was she just supposed to tell her as soon as it happened? june was like 8 or 9 at the time

👠 pinkbitchnamedbreakfast Follow i'm just saying it's fucked up of her

🌺 ithinkihauvejaundice Follow june and dys did nothing wrong. "what about the murders" god forbid a couple middle school girls have some sleepover fun. those people deserved it anyway

⛅️ evil-wifeguy-lesbian Follow june july was the realest bitch out there because if MY girlfriend needed someone dead i would do it in an instant

☀️ peacenloveonplanetsapphic Follow i don't want you to murder people for me dearest we've been over this i don't need anyone dead

🍂 littlejester Follow

🌎 thefuckingwizard Follow "february march gaslight gatekeep girlboss" this and that. wheres my february cringefailgirl truthers

🕷 thirdsilliestvriskakinnie Follow i think that if i lost a bad bitch to an arranged marriage i would do what dinah did too

🕷 thirdsilliestvriskakinnie Follow i think i hauve a mental illness

🐬 celerytheworld Follow was it casual when you promised we were going to get married as kids, were my first kiss, told me you'd be in love with me and marry me and take me on dates if one of us was the opposite gender, told me you'd love me more than your husband if we ever got married, told me you'd rather hang out with me then get married to a man, told me i'd look beautiful in a wedding dress, and then killed yourself?

🧑 normal-guy Follow op are you ok

🐬 celerytheworld Follow

🩸 murderenjoyer Follow inherent homoeroticism of killing someone together

👻 yaoifreak Follow pascal may x mr thorgett. old man yaoi anyone

🧢 whitemormonwasted Follow when i said pascal may did 9/11 this isnt what i meant

🕷 thirdsilliestvriskakinnie Follow june july is a vriska

🧣 februarymarches Follow christly shippers dont fucking interact with me! for obvious reasons! theres a four year gap there!

🌎 thefuckingwizard Follow i dont ship them but like...op how many years do you think are in between 15 and 17?

🧣 februarymarches Follow it's an eighth grader and a senior yall disgust me. four year age gap. proshitters dni is already in my bio, stop shipping a literal child with a high school senior

🕷 thirdsilliestvriskakinnie Follow 15 is not a "literal child" op

🧣 februarymarches Follow >14 in bio

⭐️ stars-discourse-sideblog Follow you're both wrong it's three years

🔥 sometimesthorgett Follow 9/11 MENTIONED

👻 yaoifreak Follow christly are both straight men anyway. if u want yaoi try pascal x thorgett

🧢 whitemormonwasted Follow those are two different characters + pascal had a wife

👻 yaoifreak Follow https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bisexuality

🕷 thirdsilliestvriskakinnie Follow 2001 and 1999 were two years apart i don't think they taught anyone on this site to read

👻 yaoifreak Follow READ?

🪼 dysapppointment Follow just saw june july's ilb design and holy shit not to be a lesbian but

🍋 thosedamnlemonstealingwhores Follow username checks out

🎱 tragedyenjoyer Follow ogigugh calendar siblings december sisters badmann siblings shiz siblings collins siblings what if i Died

🧣 februarymarches Follow just so you guys know op is a dacarol shipper. don't reblog from them.

🎱 tragedyenjoyer Follow i have bad news about the creators of the thing you're a fan of

🍂 littlejester Follow trudy cryme more like tru-deez nuts gottem

🛍️ poetrynjoyer Follow mayverse is so interesting bc you have beautiful heartfelt writing about love and loss and hope and family and friendship and romance and tragedy and loving despite with such complex women and you also have shit like "monk clickbaiter fraggot" and "9/11 porn games on steam" and whatevers going on at jms

🧲 whysoyurious Follow MAYVERSE HIT 100K F/F FICS ON AO3 WHO CHEERED

🎀 apricotmayonaise Follow making a list of who could and couldntve possibly done 9/11 in the mayverse, is doing 9/11 a sin in dana's cult?

🐝 incoherentbee Follow

YES?!??!?!?!?

[the-iceni-bitch]

He Gives Me Everything and Tenderly…

Pairing: detective!bottom Bucky Barnes x younger!top male reader (Sarge and Officer Beefcake, NLLYL AU)

Words: ~5k

Summary; Bucky is just fine on his own. He really is. He’s used to it. Even after meeting you and thinking about you a whole bunch, he’s still fine. And he does not appreciate his friends’ meddling.

Warnings: explicit language, explicit sexual content (mentions of male masturbation, salad tossing, protected anal sex, spit as lube and lube as lube, kinda public sex), meet cute, reverse age gap, tall/beefy male reader, bottom!Bucky Barnes, Bucky is grumpy, hints of angst, love at first sight? lots of friendly teasing, m/m relationship, SMUT!! 18+ ONLY!!

A/N: Welp, this was something I wrote entirely in one sitting and I can’t say I’m mad about it at all. This is my first ever male reader fic and I am both incredibly nervous and very excited to share it with all of you! Big ass thanks to the absolutely amazing @howdoyousleep3 for hyping me up and providing some much appreciated perspectives (remember lube, people!)

I am no longer doing taglists so if you want to stay up to date on all the latest filth, follow my sideblog @the-iceni-library and turn on notifications!

Bucky was exhausted. A long ass shift at the end of a long ass week and he was done, looking forward to going home and drinking a cold beer on his couch while he didn’t talk to anyone for a whole 48 hours. God, he hated people.

Except Darcy, and the cute little peach. Even though he wanted to get the fuck out of there he still stopped by the dispatch desk to chat with his girls and let them cheer him up a little.

“Hey Sarge!” He shook his head when Darcy called him that, her stubborn insistence to call him by his military rank after however many years just one of the many things that endeared her to him. “You look like shit, you finally getting out of here? Maybe gonna see someone special tomorrow?”

“The only people he’ll be seeing are Sam Adams and Johnnie Walker, maybe James Bond… hey!” The peach gave him an adorable scowl when he threw a paper clip at her, rubbing her cheek where it had hit her and sticking her tongue out at him before turning her attention back to her screen. “Don’t act like I’m not right, I’m there every time you drunk dial Nat while you’re binge watching old movies and lamenting your lack of a love life.”

“Tell your girlfriend to quit putting me on speaker or I’m gonna call her ex to chat from now on.” Bucky grinned when she rolled her eyes at him, bringing his attention back to Darcy and sighing when she was giving him a sympathetic pout. “Don’t look at me like that, I’m fine. I like being alone.”

“You’re lying, but fine.” Darcy shrugged at him, grinning when there was a sudden commotion at the doors and a mess of recruits came charging through into the hallway after Sam. “Hi Sammy, boys! Ooh, hey there beefcake, you run laps around all those slugs on the course again?”

“Maybe.”

Bucky choked when you were standing next to him, trying not to ogle you swathed in those gray sweats and feeling like the world’s dirtiest old man all of a sudden. “They’re getting better, starting to catch up. You shouldn’t call them slugs, Darce.”

“Please, like Wilson hasn’t called them worse, you’re too nice.” Peachy girl grinned when she turned in her chair again and saw Bucky looking like his jaw was about to hit the floor. “Have you met Detective Barnes, beefy?”

“Haven’t had the pleasure.” Bucky took in your name with an almost hysterical laugh when you reached out and shook his hand, not entirely sure what had come over him as he felt his neck getting unbearably hot and struggled to come up with something to say. “Well, I’ve gotta hit the showers, always lovely talking to you ladies.”

“Bye!” Both of them were grinning wickedly at Bucky once you were gone, chuckling when he just spluttered nonsense and looked at the floor. “What the fuck was that, Bucky?”

“Shut up.” He was flabbergasted, he’d never felt such an unbelievable attraction to someone right off the bat, except, once. But he never thought about that. “It wasn’t anything.”

“Oh, nothing at all?” Darcy was still grinning when Bucky growled at her, shaking her head and leaning back in her chair while the peach kept laughing. “So you weren’t staring at his ass when he walked away?”

“Of course not.” It had only been a little bit, you were so fucking tall your ass was impossible to miss, and so high and tight and… no, nope. “What the hell kind of nickname is beefcake, anyway?”

“You saw him.” Peach was practically cackling at this point, the redness on Bucky’s face so entertaining she was considering taking a photo to send to Nat. “The man is grade A USDA prime meat, what would you like us to call him?”

“You’re a couple of pervs.” Bucky just scoffed and ignored them when they told him it takes one to know one, flipping them off over his shoulder and almost forgetting his bag when he stormed out of the precinct to start his much needed alone time. “Inappropriate, gonna talk to HR about you two!”

If it had just been the one interaction, Bucky probably could’ve handled it. Yeah, he had jerked himself off thinking about your broad shoulders and tiny waist and that masterpiece of an ass, but only once, okay three times. But it was just over the weekend, he’d forget about you eventually.

Except for the fact that suddenly he was seeing you everywhere. Every damn time he was in the precinct, there you were, smiling that slightly crooked smile and laughing and making every person light up when you walked through the room. And in the fucking sweats every time, it was like torture. Torture that was made worse by the fact that Darcy and peach were always grinning at him like they knew something he didn’t, and they had apparently told Sam whatever they supposedly knew, so now that man was basically parading you in front of Bucky’s desk every chance he got and making him talk to you and get to see how fucking charming you were. He hated it.

“I do, I love cats!” Sam was chatting with you right in front of Bucky’s desk again and he was plotting how he could get away with murdering the man. “Have a little ginger idiot at home who has maybe two braincells, but he’s my baby.”

“Wow, that’s adorable.” Bucky almost growled at Sam when he grinned at him. “Bucky has a kitty of his own, don’t you, Buck?”

“Yes.” Sometimes he even hated his friends, this was ridiculous.

“I love that, knew you were a cat person.” Bucky almost groaned when you placed your hand on the desk so close to his, looking up at you through his lashes and trying so hard not to melt into his chair when he saw you smiling at him. “What’s her name?”

“Alpine.” You smelled so unbelievably good, Bucky had an incredible urge to lean up and bury his face in your neck, but managed to just turn the photo of his cat around to show you instead. “She’s three.”

“She’s gorgeous.” You winked and Bucky almost swooned, there was something wrong with him. “Shit, I’ve gotta get out of here, got a birthday party to get to. It’s always real nice talking to you, Detective.”

“You too.” Bucky swallowed thickly and shook his head when you walked away, his scowl coming back immediately when he saw Sam looking like he just ate a damn canary as he smirked at him. “Shut up.”

“Didn’t say anything.” Sam chuckled when Bucky just hunched over his paperwork and tried to ignore him. “Buuuuut… hoo boy, you like him.”

“I do not.” Murder was the only answer to these affronts. “He’s too young.”

“Bullshit, is peach too young for Nat?” Sam snorted when Bucky just grumbled under his breath, rolling his eyes at the man’s stubbornness. “You like like him, you need to get over that massive hang up, Barnes, it’s holding you back!”

“Man, fuck you!” Bucky jumped when he realized that Sam wasn’t there anymore, so he was just yelling at the bullpen, every member of the team giving him looks of varying amusement before they bent back to their work. “Sorry.”

It was a legitimate hang up, especially when it came to you. Because you reminded Bucky of him.

Specifically of when he was young, when Bucky first realized he was in love and overlooked all of his flaws and just wanted to be wrapped up in him all the time in spite of the fact the man would only look at Bucky like his old friend who he could tell about every single disgusting conquest he made. And that meant you were dangerous. Bucky refused to do that to himself again, it had taken him too long to get over that malicious bastard, and nothing had hurt him more than the realization that he had wasted so much time loving someone who barely gave a fuck about him. He didn’t care how sincere and charming you seemed, he wasn’t going to fall for that same shit all over again.

But it didn’t stop any of his friends from dragging you in front of him at every opportunity, and even though he was polite and listened to you and answered all your questions, it didn’t stop him from snarling at them as soon as you were gone. He didn’t care what they thought he needed, he was fine.

He wasn’t lonely. He didn’t wake up grinding his hips into his mattress after dreaming of sharing his bed with you. He didn’t wonder what you would look like with soft morning light falling across your face while both of your cats jumped on you and Bucky made you breakfast. They all needed to worry about their own lives and quit fucking with his.

Which is why he should have been suspicious as hell when Nat and her little peach and Darcy insisted on taking him out for drinks on a Friday night. All of them together. At a dive bar that was typically just cops. Like they didn’t usually go uptown and dress up.

“Well, look at that, is that Sam?” Darcy bounced on her toes and waved when she spotted Sam with all of his recruits, her and peach squealing while Bucky shot Nat an exhausted look. “Gosh, I completely forgot they’re celebrating the academy graduation, what are the chances?”

“Shocking.” Bucky couldn’t stop growling when Nat just shrugged at him. “I can’t believe they dragged you into their scheming, Romanoff.”

“They’re young and excited, it’s cute.” Nat wrapped her arm around Bucky’s shoulders and started pulling him towards the group. “Besides, you deserve someone nice, and to spend the night with someone besides Alpine.”

“Alpine doesn’t take up that much room on the bed, and I like to spread out.” Bucky just resigned himself to having a miserable night, even when you gave him an easy smile once you laid eyes on him and waved eagerly. “And he might not be nice.”

“Buck, you won’t know unless you give him a chance.” Nat sighed as she rested her chin on her best friend’s shoulder, pinching his cheek and trying to get him to at least give her a grudging smile. “And you know how good my asshole radar is, I’m getting no pings from the beefcake.”

“Yeah, alright.” Bucky steeled himself when you started walking his way, feeling a little tight in his chest and watery in his eyes as he did his best to give you a smile. “Hi.”

“Hi Detective.” Your smile got even wider when Nat introduced herself, shaking her hand warmly then turning back to Bucky and crossing your arms over your massive chest. “Can I get you a beer?”

“I don’t…” Bucky caught himself when Nat looked at him expectantly and blew out a deep breath. “Yeah, a beer would be great.”

“Fantastic, for you too?” You winked at Nat when she nodded before hurrying off to get their drinks with an undeniable bounce in your step that Bucky found he enjoyed very much.

“Listen, Buck.” Nat gave you a very thorough look while you waited at the bar, wrapping her arms around her girl when she came to sit on her lap and Darcy sat across from them. “Even if it doesn’t last, you’re a special kind of idiot if you don’t at least have sex with that man.”

“Jesus Christ.” Bucky felt himself blush up to his ears when all of the women just nodded enthusiastically and started detailing what the two of you should do to each other. “You three are worse than frat boys, oh my god.”

“C’mon, sarge…” Darcy snapped her mouth shut when you came back with Bucky’s and Nat’s drinks, giving Bucky a meaningful look and making a little circle with her thumb and forefinger then pushing her opposite finger through it while your back was turned until Bucky felt like he was in fucking high school. “Hi beefcake!”

“Hi Darce!” You were sitting so close to Bucky he could smell you again, he had to start chugging his beer so he didn’t reach out to bury his fingers in your hair. “I’ve always wanted to ask, why does she call you ‘sarge’?”

“Oh, it was my rank when I was discharged.” Bucky couldn’t handle the way you were looking at him, like he was the most interesting thing in the room, he wanted to fall into your eyes and get lost. “From the army. Darcy’s sister served with me, so she knew me then and the nickname stuck.”

“I didn’t know you served, my dad was in the marines.” You could see Bucky starting to tense up and bless you, you backed off, keeping that easy smile on your face while you nudged his foot with yours. “It’s okay, that’s not something we have to talk about right now, tell me about Alpine, how’s the little lady doing?”

“She’s- she’s good.” Something about the way you instantly pivoted the conversation and didn’t make Bucky feel like an ass for almost clamming up had him relaxing pretty much instantly, grinning back at you and rolling his eyes a little playfully when he thought about his little furry troublemaker. “She’s a brat, but good. Almost gave me a heart attack last week when she somehow managed to climb up to the ceiling beams in my apartment.”

“Oh shit! Really?” You chuckled warmly when Bucky just nodded and took another sip of his beer, plucking at the edge of the label on your bottle and leaning forward a little so you could hear him better. “She get down on her own or did you have to get a ladder?”

“Well, after six hours of pleading and begging, I did finally manage to entice her with some tuna.” Bucky kept watching your face closely, the earnestness he was so wary of constant and never wavering while you listened to everything he said intently. “She’s too smart for her own good, I swear.”

“Fuck, I can’t decide if my situation is better or worse.” You laughed when Bucky scoffed, pushing at his shoulder and shaking your head when he looked at you with mock offense. “No, I love my boy, but he’s a dumbass of epic proportions. The most worrisome thing he’s ever done is get his whole head stuck in a mason jar. Theodore is an idiot.”

“Theodore?” Bucky was vaguely aware of movement next to him after he emptied his beer and set down the bottle, but he couldn’t stop watching your lips move. “That’s adorable.”

“Aw, yeah, my niece named him.” Your smile got even wider somehow and it was making Bucky melt, another bottle of beer appearing seemingly out of nowhere on the table and immediately finding its way to his lips. “It’s her favorite chipmunk.”

Cats. Talking about your fucking cats was apparently the kick in the ass Bucky needed to let almost all his concerns about having anything with you go, letting himself relax and be easy while you told him all these sweet, endearing little things about yourself. How much you loved your niece and how much of a star she was at figure skating. How good you were at baking and you didn’t care what he said, you were baking him a loaf of sourdough to prove it. How you played three different instruments and spoke two languages. You were too goddamn interesting.

And you managed to get him to talk about himself too. How close he was with his sister and mother and how much he loved seeing them as often as possible. How he secretly enjoyed knitting and always made sweaters for the family at Hanukkah but would kill you if you told anyone about his hobby. How he collected old records and could spend whole days just listening to music and drinking good whiskey.

Bucky was more than a little thrilled that you seemed to be hanging on his every word and scooting closer to him until you were right next to him and your shoulders were practically touching.

He had lost track of how many beers he’d consumed by the time people started dancing, but he knew it wasn’t too many as he was just very pleasantly buzzed and staring at your plump, kissable, pillowy lips and wondering what it would be like to suck on them.

“Hey, James.” Bucky had just told you his first name and for some reason the fact that was what you were choosing to call him was making him dizzy. “You wanna dance with me?”

“Oh, um…” Bucky chewed on his lip while he thought it over, he had two left feet when he was sober, and he also wasn’t sure he would be able to control himself if you put your hands on him. “I don’t know…”

“Hey, no pressure.” You winked like you did every time you said something disarming and Bucky decided that he loved that about you. “Just wanted to ask, but if all you want is to talk, that’s a-okay.”

Bucky was struggling with himself. You barely seemed disappointed, it had maybe flashed across your face for a second, but he believed you when you said it was okay. You even leaned back against your chair to give him space, zero hints of malice in your expression and just that perfect, easygoing look that made Bucky feel like you were fine taking no for an answer and you would never hold it against anybody.

And for some reason, that finally sealed it for Bucky that you weren’t him.

“I wanna dance.” Bucky winced when he almost knocked over his bottle when he set it down, grabbing your hand and pulling you to your feet so he could drag you towards the makeshift dance floor. “Let’s go.”

Your laugh made Bucky beam at you over his shoulder, humming along to the music and turning to face you once you were in the middle of it. His breath caught when you were right there, letting you frame his waist with your hands and pull him even closer while you started rolling your hips to the music. Bucky very quickly decided that he liked having your hands on him, shaking his head and gripping your wrists to keep you in place when you tried to lean back before he slid his palms up your arms and over your chest.

Somehow, even though he knew you were big, your massive size hadn’t fully registered in Bucky’s brain until he was in such close proximity to you. It’s not like Bucky was small by any means, he hit the weights, he never skipped arm day, he’d even been called beefy himself a few times. But you… goddamn. You were like nothing Bucky had ever seen before. He was starting to get woozy from it.

Then you ducked even closer and pressed your cheek against Bucky’s temple and he couldn’t help it, he gasped. He could feel your lips moving against his skin but he couldn’t hear anything you were saying, a low buzzing filling his ears while his fingers dug into your firm chest and he rolled his hips against yours. This was dangerous, he was not going to have sex with you without even a proper date, he wasn’t that easy.

He kept repeating it in his head over and over. When you slipped your arms around his waist and squeezed as you kept guiding his movements. When he buried his face in your neck and groaned when he finally got to breathe in your scent fully. When you nipped at the shell of his ear and made some kind of noise that sent a vibration through Bucky’s whole body. And especially when you grabbed his ass and gave such a dirty grind of your hips that made him feel how fucking hard and massive you really were.

It didn’t matter how much he repeated it though, it only took three songs before Bucky found himself with his back against a stall door in the bathroom with his pants around just one of his ankles and his toes barely brushing the floor while he practically sat on your face.

One of his knees was flung over your shoulder while you licked at his hole, his whole body shivering when you hummed against his skin and dug your fingers into his thighs and he didn’t even care that he was getting eaten out in a public bathroom and enjoying it quite loudly.

“God, I knew you’d be fucking sweet.” You growled but barely pulled back, gripping the thigh that was on your shoulder and pushing it up until it was pressed to Bucky’s side so you could see his face. “You taste so goddamn good, James, once I get you in bed I’m gonna make a full meal out of this ass, shit.”

“Oh… Jesus Christ.” Bucky could barely breathe when your mouth was on his hole again, he could feel your jaw working while you moved your lips and tongue like you were making out with him, all while you kept your intense eye contact and let his cock rest on your face like you didn’t even care. “Oh my fucking god.”

Bucky could feel your chuckle when a whine escaped from his throat without his permission, his eyes rolling when your tongue fluttered all around his twitching skin before you were dragging it over his hole again and sucking until Bucky almost squealed. But then your tongue punched into him and the squeal was ripped out of his chest, his breath heaving almost painfully while you fucked him with the thick muscle until his dick started leaking and twitching against your forehead. It was insane that you were so good at this, you were so young, but your mouth worked like you were a fucking pornstar and it had Bucky feeling some kind of way.

“You’re gonna let me fuck you, James.” It didn’t sound like a question, you were telling him, your face serious while you licked your way up his taint until you could nip at his balls while you slid a finger inside him. “I need it, need to feel you come on my cock, god, you’d better fucking hold it until I’m inside you or I’m gonna spank you, I swear to fucking god.”

“Yeah… yeah, oh my god, please.” Bucky felt like he was losing his mind when you sucked on his balls and pushed a second finger inside him, his legs shaking and his eyes rolling back in his head while he grabbed your hair and held on for dear life. “Oh shit… fuck me, I can hold it, I’ll be good, just fuck me.”

You leaned your cheek against his hip and kept grinning at him while you reached your free hand into your wallet to grab a packet of lube, chuckling when Bucky huffed at you when you ripped it open with your teeth and squirted it all over the fingers you were plunging into his ass.

“You brought lube with you?” Bucky was trying to remain huffy but it was difficult when you were scissoring his hole open so slowly and shit, it felt amazing. “What exactly did you think was going to happen tonight?”

“God, I dunno, James.” You looked meaningfully at the fingers that were currently knuckle deep inside him, wiggling them a little when you looked back up at him with a cocked eyebrow and snorting when he whined. “Would you prefer I didn’t have lube right now? Because I can stop…”

“No, don’t do that.” So much for not trying to seem desperate, Bucky was panting he needed you so bad. “I’m just… talking, I’ll shut up. I can be good.”

“Yeah? You’re gonna be a good boy for me James?” What were you doing to him? Bucky couldn’t help but whimper when you spat on your fingers to slick them up even more and added a third, nodding and rolling his hips into your hand when you just barely teased his sweet spot as you kissed the inside of his thigh. “Yeah you will, my good boy, opening right up for me.”

“Mmhm, yours, oh holy shit.” The addition of your fourth finger turned Bucky’s whole body into jelly, your hold on his thigh the only thing keeping him from crumpling to the floor when you licked a wide, flat stripe up the underside of his cock. “Holy fucking shit, pleasepleaseplease…”

“Shhh, don’t you worry, James, I’ve got you.” You groaned when he let go of your hair to shove his fist in his mouth when he gave you a tortured cry, slowly pulling your fingers out of him and setting his feet on the floor so you could stand. “Turn around for me, sweet thing.”

“Yes… yes sir.” Bucky let his eyes flutter closed when you kissed his temple and turned him around, pressing his cheek against the cool metal and arching his back when you placed one hand on his hip and used the other to pull out a condom. “I need it.”

“I know, handsome.” Your voice was muffled while you used your teeth to rip the wrapper open, nuzzling into the tendrils of hair that were resting against the back of Bucky’s neck so you could kiss him there while you rolled the condom over your length and emptied another packet of lube all over your dick. “You gonna call me sir while I fuck this sweet little ass?”

“Ye-yes… oh fuck!” Bucky practically screamed when your tip just barely slipped inside him, arching his back and whining when you wrapped your arm across his throat and growled in his ear. “Fuck… ‘s big, so big, fuck me.”

“You can take it, big guy, keep being good for me.” You grinned against Bucky’s cheek when he rose on his toes as you kept going, smacking his ass and chuckling when it made him clench as you increased the pressure on his neck. “You feel fucking incredible, Jesus. Been thinking about getting you like this since the first time I saw you, you know that? Did you think about me too, James?”

“N-no.” Bucky already felt extremely vulnerable while he was split open on only half of your cock, he didn’t need to admit to you that he had been dreaming about wrapping his legs around your tiny little waist while you fucked him slow and deep. “I didn’t.”

“Pretty sure you’re a liar.” You grinned and yanked his head back at the same time you gave a final snap of your pelvis and Bucky sobbed, his body shaking violently while you rested your hips against the plush curve of his ass and dragged your tongue along his jaw while you let him adjust. “That’s okay though, big guy, you can think about this. Now, I’m gonna apologize, because this is gonna be a lot faster than I would like, but we are in public.”

Bucky didn’t have any response except a yelp when you started driving your cock into him almost viciously, his breath punched out of his lungs each time your hips bounced off his ass while you sucked on his ear. He felt like he was about to explode, your cock driving into his swollen prostate each time you bottomed out until his balls started pulling tight to his body and his cock twitched. You must have felt the change since you dropped the hand that wasn’t attached to the thick arm that was currently choking him to grab his cock and start stroking him in time with your thrusts.

“Fuckfuckfuck…” Bucky felt like such a whore but he didn’t care, turning his head as much as possible so he could rub his nose against your cheek while he whined. “I’m so close, don’t stop.”

“I’ll give you whatever you want, James.” You groaned when his hole clenched around you, squeezing his cock and his throat at the same time and kissing the corner of his lips tenderly while you gazed into his eyes. “Gonna take care of you. Can’t wait to be able to take my time, enjoy you, god, could spend a whole fucking night in this ass, you’re so goddamn warm and tight. But I need you to come for me right now, James, make a mess on my hand, lemme make you feel good, c’mon.”

The thought of you in his bed and fucking him raw and open had Bucky tumbling over the edge of his climax with a shout, his desperate noises muffled by your lips when you smashed them to his as he quaked in your arms and shot his cum all over your fingers. He sobbed when you didn’t stop stroking him even once he was milked dry, his eyes rolling back when you throbbed inside him and almost lamenting the fact that you were filling the condom instead of pumping your cum deep in his guts and determined to get to the point when he would finally get to feel all of you. As soon as you were done you were bringing your cum soaked fingers to your mouth, keeping eye contact with Bucky as you sucked his cum off them slowly and groaning at his taste then pressing your lips to his again so you could share with him.

“Jesus fuck.” Bucky couldn’t think of anything else to say, smiling almost sheepishly at you after you had pulled out of him and tossed the condom, letting you turn him around and nuzzle at his cheek before you were bending to help him step back into his jeans.

“My sentiments exactly.” You gave him another one of those winks and he wasn’t even mad when he blushed violently. “You gonna be as big of an ass about me taking you on a real date?”

“I wasn’t an ass.” Bucky huffed when you stood back up and wrapped your arms around him, nipping at your bottom lip and grinning when you growled playfully at him. “I was wary.”

“Sure.” You kissed him slow and deep and smiled against his lips when he melted into you before pulling back so he could breathe. “Pretty sure the girls and Sergeant Wilson would agree with my assessment, but we can use your word.”

“Oh shit, they’re still out there.” Bucky screwed his eyes shut and moaned at the thought of the commentary he was going to have to endure, shaking his head when you chuckled and opened the stall door to start pulling him back to the bar. “Can’t we just climb out the window or something?”

“Yeah, I don’t think either of us could fit through that window, James.” You nodded at the tiny one by one glass square and kissed his temple when he sighed defeatedly, holding his hand and letting him follow you when you opened the door. “Besides, if you think I’m not going to enjoy showing you affection in public, I’ve got some bad news.”

Bucky’s retort was cut off by an absurd amount of hollering when you opened the door, his face getting unbearably red and the desire to either tell all of your friends to shut the fuck up or just book it out of the bar overwhelming. But then your arm was around his shoulders and your lips were pressed against his temple, and maybe he could put up with his friends being smug rowdy assholes for the rest of the night if you kept smiling at him like that.

[linkedspirit-fanartfunart]

Look out its a Linkblr Dashboard Simulator!

3 notes

🪶 redwingskies Follow

So who was gonna tell me the Surface is Real, huh? Who.

🎶 ocarina-macarina Follow

Where are you from?? What....what are you??? ....God?

🪶 redwingskies Follow

Nah turns out she's my best friend though.

🪶 redwingskies Follow

Hey btw, If I kill a god does that make me one? Is there like. Rules for this? Asking for a friend. (Like seriously. I don't care. He does.)

1,680 notes

🚋 train-life Follow

Today's Fact: Did you know Trains are the reason New Hyrule has Standardized Time Zones? As citizens needed to know when to get to a train station, the council lobbied for standardized time that could be applied precisely for travel by train! The entire modern perception of time is because of the Train!

⌛️ forestchild Follow

Thanks, I hate it. Lets go back to living by the sun rise and set.

🌸 dont-look-at-me Follow

??? We've always had standard time zones??? What are you talking about. Trains didn't invent that.

🚋 train-life Follow

...they literally did. I re-researched this to double check. What are YOU talking about?

🌸 dont-look-at-me Follow

Time zones? Like. The era of Legend, the Golden era, bullfish like that?

🚋 train-life Follow

... you can swear you know? I'm 12 not a baby.

🌊 kingoftheseagull Follow

you're HOW OLD? I thought you were a Royal Engineer???

🚋 train-life Follow

12? It's in my bio?

🌊 kingoftheseagull Follow

I love you but get the hell off of this website why are you here

🌟 excuuuse-me Follow

Can we go back to the weirdo who thinks Time Zones are HISTORICAL PERIODS?

🌸 dont-look-at-me Follow

Haha yea total weirdo, what, are they like 400 years old or something? Lol

🐴 goatman4life Follow

Actually I wanna get back to why a 12 year old has a job

1,203 notes

🐟 indigo-gos-official Follow

Hey anybody willing to lend me bail money? I'm short like 10 rupees and it's really annoying.

⌛️ forestchild Follow

Wait shit wrong account! Wrong account!!

🐴 goatman4life Follow

Why do you have access to a hyper-famous Zora Band's account??

⌛️ forestchild Follow

Their lead guitarist died in front of me and I am very nice. Now get me out of jail goatman.

23,045 notes

🌳 wildflowerwastaken Follow

.

#hi #i saw a cool bird today #the camera was left on selfie mode so it only got a picture of me squinting at it #the bird noticed the flash and it pecked me until I fell out of the tree #straight into a malice puddle #the bird was pretty tho #so I say my day went great!

2 notes

🌟 excuuuse-me Follow

Hey apparently I need to update people on my boundaries. So. Here is a list of what's okay:

Hugging

Kissing me

Kissing me directly on the lips

👀

Parasocial relationships where you praise me constantly <3

And this is NOT okay

Hunting me for my blood to revive the prince of darkness

Ignoring me

Thank you, that's really all, I'm kinda sad that this has to be said but clarity is wisdom and all.

👑 princess-of-hyrule Follow

Link. This is not what I told you to post.

🌟 excuuuse-me Follow

Well EXUSe ME if my boundaries look different than yours!!

25,690 notes

⚒️ smol-smithy Follow

Hey pulled the Four Sword again so we need help figuring out who gets to run the blog lol.

Thanks everybody

⏳️ forestchild Follow

Lol this loser doesn't know how to make sideblogs

🎶 ocarina-macarina Follow

The poll says "Who gets to be Link on MAIN" though, so maybe they do? They just wanna have one person in charge of the first blog?

⏳️ forestchild Follow

The path to truth is unity. Many voices can be heard within one "main".

-The Diety

⏳️ forestchild Follow

...ignore him, I've made him a sideblog and he refuses to use it.

⚒️ smol-smithy Follow

Hey wait no let him come back, he's the only smart person I've ever heard

-Green (?)

⚒️ smol-smithy Follow

I am going to kill you.

#we have all agreed to not utilize this blog until the poll is complete #so shut up green

10 notes

[liauditore]

what’s your thoughts on ouran? you mentioned you had a love / hate relationship with it and i think that would be interesting to hear

Oh god post that usually would be reserved for my sideblog incoming. Heads up this one might get uncomfortable, heed the tags. LONG POST.

TL;DR: it's a fun show that's neck deep in the misogyny sauce

I had the true ouran experience of watching it when I was 12 and thinking it was really funny but ultimately finished the show feeling mildly disappointed as well as being Very put off by one specific episode.

As a 12 year old I didn't really have the words to explain why but over the years I thought back to ouran again and again and the more I thought about it the more. Angry isn't really the right emotion I guess. Eyebrow raised emoji-y is more accurate.

Now that I am a bit older and wiser and have read more shoujo, I think the majority of the annoyance and confusion I felt towards ouran, especially nearing the end of the show, came from the fact that it pretty much bait-and-switches its own stance on gender roles, classism and judging by appearance. Please note that I have not rewatched ouran in many years so take all this with a grain of salt and forgive me for anything I'm straight up misremembering.

Haruhi, to me, embodies a very quintessential shoujo protagonist archetype. She's not necessarily radicalized against gender roles, but doesn't place the same importance in gendered performance as her peers. She's also viciously ambitious and doesn't downplay her own intelligence, qualities that her female peers around her have been conditioned to avoid in their cartoonishly extreme upper class upbringings.

However, the other girls' education being a direct result of their education is never really examined. All the other girls at ouran are presented as vapid and "boy-crazy" over the host club. Renge, the only major female character aside from Haruhi herself, is delegated to being comedic relief (and of course, the humour surrounding her almost always has to do with her obsession with Kyoya) with some not so subtle implications that Haruhi is above her girlish antics because Haruhi is... Better, to put it bluntly, in every way including her ability to appeal to men, which can be seen through Kyoya's neutral to distasteful opinion of Renge vs his somewhat unsubtle care and attraction towards Haruhi.

This very unflattering depiction of women other than Haruhi extends to the very queer-coded* Lobelia academy girls, who the host club spends an episode "rescuing" Haruhi from and, once again despite their group leader's more masculine look, reacts in shock and horror at their feminine interests. Eugh, makeup! Disgusting!

*pressing the "nuance" button on this one because we can't expect to apply our understanding of queer signalling on a Japanese highschooler, but the Lobelia girls are. Fairly blatant enough I feel that I almost don't even want to call it coding.

The girls in the show who aren't Haruhi are either boy-crazy and therefore stupid, side characters whose episodes are often tied to getting with a male love interest (who is always depicted as "plain" compared to the desirable men of the host club), rivals in love against Haruhi (like Eclair) or silly evil lesbians.

Speaking of the silly evil lesbians, I do think it's interesting how many times the show feels the need to restate Haruhi's heterosexuality through her endless amounts of blatant disinterest in her fangirls. I briefly wrote once on how patriarchal standards have an amount of gender-nonconformity that can be accepted with women, but violently withdraws that acceptance when it can be even slightly confused with signalling queerness. Every second boomer dad wants a tomboy daughter, yet none of them seem to want trans sons. Idk, food for thought.

It's also fascinating to me that Utena is so much older than Ouran, yet almost feels like a direct response to Ouran's pitfalls at times e.g. the "not like other girls" logic of Ouran's world that pits women against eachother. The only women deserving of sympathy are those who don't act as a "threat" to Haruhi's desireability, everyone else is stupid and beneath her or an evil bitch.

The one woman who is always shown as intelligent and worthy of respect outside of Haruhi herself is Haruhi's deceased mother. Interesting that she had to be dead and more of a concept and motivator for Haruhi instead of.. a character.

If the show was just a marina and the diamonds girls simulator that would be one thing but what I find even more insidious is that not only does it not respect its female cast, Haruhi herself is almost. Instructed? In the show to uphold patriarchal rhetoric, when she entered as a neutral force. With the fact that she acts as the audience stand-in, I find this just the smallest bit troubling.

ESPECIALLY. when talking about the specific episode that really gave me the "I don't like this alot but I can't describe why" feelings when I was 12. Everything else in the show I can look past but this episode genuinely pissed me the fuck off when I was 12 and pisses me off even more now.

I'm talking of course about the "better remember your place in society or men will rape you!!"

In episode 8, the host club visits the beach but instead of the fun beach episode I thought was coming up, 12 year old me was hit was Haruhi being scolded by Tamaki for trying to defend a group of girls from ruffians, simply because she is a girl. Haruhi obviously gets mad.

This in of itself is fine, Tamaki's been shown to be an idiot and very deep in the misogyny/classism sauce, and the way this show mocks that is why I really like him.

But Tamaki is supposed to be IN THE RIGHT this episode, as later Kyoya pretends that he's going to rape Haruhi to teach her a lesson about why women shouldn't confront men I guess. Which, of course, implies quite a lot of very strange things in a show made for young girls, including that if you just abide by gender expectations that are Good and Keep You Safe you... won't be raped? Haruhi even thanks Kyoya for PRETENDING HE WAS GOING TO RAPE HER ?

It's this. Very strange and hypocritical moment for this show and really, really soured Kyoya's character for me -- which is a shame cus I do think he's one of the most interesting club members. I'll never not fume about this episode man I literally got into fights with friends over this episode being garbage as a kid and it was one of the smartest opinions I had at that age.

It's also gross to me that this whole thing revolved around, in the first place, Haruhi trying to defend other girls. In a show that keeps isolating Haruhi from them. So to recap 1. DO NOT seek out relationships with other women, they are vapid and won't understand you, certainly not more than the men in your life and 2. If you defend other women (from men), you're being stupid. Get a man to handle it instead, because it's men's duty to defend women, not yours. and if you violate this natural order you deserve to get raped. Hashtag some gender roles are good, actually.

I also have more thoughts on the way it's presented as if being raped as a woman is the worst thing imagineable but Renge's stalker tendencies towards Kyoya are played up for laughs. Shrugs.

The episode even ends with Haruhi saying she wasn't afraid because she knew Kyoya wasn't going to do it, but then ending up in a curled up helpless ball anyway because of. some thunder. really awesome. While I don't have any problem with exploring Haruhi's vulnerability, we never see any of the boys in such a state, reinforcing that this isn't about dropping the facade of unemotional masculinity but Haruhi being... a girl. Barf.

Even completely disregarding that episode, the messaging is. Strange to say the least. I do think this one might be the thing that gets me shot because Tamaki Does come around to appreciating Haruhi as a person and not simply a "woman", but the fact remains that she still acts as a "love interest" from beginning to end. And the whole dynamic of. Haruhi going from completely disinterested to fond of Tamaki over time, and Tamaki learning to abandon his playboy ways and see Haruhi as a person is totally fine and okay. BUT it is a little bit. Oh so NOW you want to talk about seeing women as people.

I feel that I've been. very focused on the hate part of the love hate and I'll be real nowadays that is very much the dominant half. I still like the show just for nostalgia value, the humour, as well as the host club members themselves. Morii and Honey specifically have a really awesome dynamic and I wish we got to see Honey go berserker more but it is what it is. Kyoya, rapey moment aside, is also really fun and maybe one of those characters that made me realise what kind of tropes I like. I will not stand a word of Hikaru and Kaoru slander, those boys are awesome and their incestuous club personas are a great parody of how performative the club really is, and through that how performative society as a whole is when dealing with attraction as a concept. And I actually really like the side characters too, the emo catboy and Renge in particular.

But I'd be lying if I said it wasn't perhaps one of the most anti-feminist bait and switches I'd ever seen in my life.

Haruhi's not even gender-nonconforming!! She's just a normie with a normal amount of care put into gendered presentation but because she's in the psychopath rich people school she SEEMS gender-nonconforming!! Which is fine as I've said before I think a lot of shoujo protagonists are like Haruhi in that their gender is more "I just work here" at best and something used to oppress them at worst, but Haruhi goes out of her way to present more feminine the moment she leaves the school gates.

Big words for this show to come out swinging saying gender roles and expectations attached to them are dumb when its so terrified of actually tackling them. I don't require everything I watch to be queer queer gay gay homosexual transgender beam attack but like?? Why have Haruhi say she dgaf and then have her present feminine anyway? Especially when it's been highlighted to us that her family is dirt poor, yet she still has the money for hair extensions? You're telling me she decided to cut ALL OF HER HAIR OFF FOR A TINY PIECE OF GUM. for no reason at all when she could've easily just cut it into a bob??

FTR I do still like Haruhi which is what makes this all the more frustrating, especially since she's one of the few female anime characters who we're told is supposed to be masc-presenting and actually could pass as that. Mf questioned the system of gender and then proceeded to do fuckall with it. Gets forced into crossdressing but underlines it with "but im not a lesbian" the whole way through. What cowardice. What theory and no practice. What bark but no bite. What a non-theme. Haruhi is the opposite of punk. Centrist ass take of an anime.

Ahem. Biases aside. I just feel like it fails as a romance, fails saying anything substantial about gender or class and ultimately ends up being meaningless fluff at best and pro-rapist and anti-woman at worst.

[hellenic-polytheism]

Hi there! So, uh, I'm a 15-year-old Hellenist living with some Christian parents(can't wait to move out of the apartment so I can finally make some altars) and I have some questions? If you don't mind answering them-?

Is there an official conversion ceremony I need to do? I know Christians have official conversion ceremonies, and since I became a Hellenist 6 months or so ago, I still haven't figured out if I need to officially convert or if it's not neccesary

Any tips on making offerings to the gods? The best I've been able to do so far is pouring water bottles down the kitchen sink, but it doesn't feel official or good enough. I want to do more, but it also needs to be behind my parents' backs

Any tips for prayers? Specific things I could do? How do I finish off a prayer? When I pray, do I have to specify a god?

Is Apollo actually the patron god of queer people, or did the internet make that up?

Are tattoos ok as a Hellenist?

According to some reddit forums(I don't have any irl sources on Hellenists yet), I need to choose a patron god or something? What's that all about? Is that true, or did the reddit user make that up?

Any other tips for a Hellenist teenager living with a pair of overprotective Christian parents??

I know about The Odyssey and The Iliad, but are there any other books I should try to read??

thanks, hope you have a fantastic day!! =)

Sincerely,

A young Hellenist

Hi!! I was in the exact same position when I was your age. Please take my answers with a grain of salt because I practice this religion in a very laid-back manner. Everyone does it differently, and you'll find a way that works for you.

No, there's no conversion ceremony you need to do. I just told the theoi that I wanted to start worshiping them and that was it. I usually speak to them through thoughts, not by speaking out loud- a habit I picked up by being secretive about my practice.

To this day, my favorite way of making offerings is by dedicating my meal/snack/little treat to them. I still eat it, but I invite them to enjoy the flavors through me. That way, there's no waste and I still get the sustenance. Pouring water down the sink is totally acceptable too!! I've also lit candles for them. It's completely up to you what you decide to offer and when. You don't need an official ritual or anything.

Prayers can be as complicated or as simple as you want. For example, I like to ask Hermes to bless my travels, but that's usually just a quick "hey, can you watch over me during this flight?" and I'll dedicate the coffee I get at the airport to him. You don't need to finish off a prayer in any fancy way. Sometimes I'll blow a kiss at the sky and call that good. There also doesn't need to be a deity specified. General prayers are completely okay.

I wouldn't say that any of the theoi are the official patron god of queer people, because how we experience being queer in 2024 is much different than how they did it back in the day. Many of the gods had gay lovers. Lots of modern queer Hellenists, myself included, do resonate with Apollo, but I would say that the internet made him being the Gay God up.

Absolutely! I have a few, and am planning on getting some that are dedicated to the gods. A lot of Hellenists get tattoos.

You don't need to choose a patron god. I haven't chosen one, and I've been practicing this religion for about 7 years now.

Make playlists dedicated to the deities! Make art! Write poetry! Start a sideblog to compile resources and posts onto! Journal and write letters to the gods! Find small ways to incorporate them into your life. You have plenty of time to do the big stuff.

Not a book, but I always suggest theoi.com as a starting point. There's so many great myths on that site, and it'll tell you about the sacred animals and plants of each deity. Plus the footnotes will take you to the sources for each myth, and you can go down rabbit holes of information.

[morgan-the-lonely-brick]

Hiii~~ coming onto this blog to do Terror propaganda. Follow my terror sideblog @leadandblood , this is just my main. That said:

Welcome to The Terror (2018)!

Here are things that I love about the first season that might convince you to watch it too (without spoilers)

The fandom is absolutely amazing!!!! I have never had such wonderful comments and tags under posts. And they're all really talented and just wonderful

Gay love.

So much gay love oh my god everyone is gay-

Heck, there's even straight love if you're into that

Old men <3

Absolute angels and absolute demons, that are SO fun to watch

The show knows it's characters incredibly well

They are well developed and act believably in all instances i can think of

If what they do doesn't make sense in the moment it's gonna later

"Here's a guy. Now lets find out how many fucked up things can happen to him before he goes insane or khs"

Representation! Gays, amputees and POC

The main main cast is mostly white men but when there's someone else it has significance to the story or bears a deeper meaning

The visuals are stunning

Amazing camera work

The sound design!!!! Oh my god!!! It's so gooood!!!

Insane paralels game. You won't even notice some of them, but they make sense once you do

The love and care that went into this show is incredible

Very rewarding upon rewatch - different views on scenes and characters and such

You will be finding new details for several rewatches (im on my 6th and still finding stuff)

THE ACTING OH MY GOD THE ACTING

Jared Harris - and his insane ability to portray any combination of emotions with one expression

Tobias Menzies and his goddamn microexpressions

Just to name a few, but honestly they're all amazing

They're also very nice to look at

Prepare to get hurt in the most creative ways possible - it KNOWS how to hurt you and it's... Kinda satisfying

Whump galore!! Emotional and physical. Comfort and no comfort. Just take your pick

It's finished, so they can't fuck it up anymore lmao

The sheer horror of being stuck in the arctic with little to no food and everything wanting to kill you /pos

Things that might turn you away

The sheer horror of being stuck in the arctic with little to no food and everything wanting to kill you /neg

Racist characters. it's the 1800s :///

Death. Oh god there's so much death

Oh you have a favourite character? Well, he dies :/

It is a tragedy through and through.

When you think it can't get any worse, yes it can

So many side characters that you'll be learning their names for the next few days to come

They're 95% white men that look the same when you start out

Bad things happen to animals :(

There's quite a lot of gore... Open skulls, deep wounds, amputation, disease, burning to death, mauling, i could go on

At one point alcoholism and suicide

There will be poems

Overall just a really really great show, i am in love with it

[whosmarinette]

The Walten Files: the story of Linda Thompson’s involvement and its consequences

Please note that I actually haven’t been in the fandom for years, this is just me organizing what I believe to be the story regarding Linda. I used to have a whole sideblog where the whole joke was how much I love her, so….

Linda Thompson was Jack Walten’s cousin. They were pretty close, maybe they were both only children and close in age, so every family reunion they would play with each other.

Perhaps, Linda even introduced Jack and Rosemary. What definitely happened was that Jack introduced her and Felix. Felix was immediately smitten, regarding Linda as the most beautiful woman he’s ever met. She did fit the beauty standard quite nicely: blonde-haired, blue-eyed all-american girl. It was almost hard to believe her and Jack were closely related with how different they looked.

She married Felix and for the first while he was the perfect, loving husband, even making the company’s uniform her favorite color - purple. A bit too nervous at times, and really obsessed with his work, but that only left her more time to visit the Waltens and become better friends with Rosemary, as well as a real auntie for their kids. To the point, that, inspired by her husband’s and cousin’s clear fascination with rabbits, she sewed a gray plush rabbit for the kids.

But Felix and Linda had fertility problems, and Felix’s drinking was becoming less and less “having fun with friends” and more and more “when was the last time you were sober”, which couldn’t have helped.

She still stayed for a while - she truly did love Felix, and believed the magic of their early days could be reborn. And also, for a while, she felt like she couldn’t leave Jack and his family behind, since they are her family too.

But she finally decided to do it. Felix was busy - first at work, then he’d have to look after Jack’s kids at a school party, so he wouldn’t be home until late. She called Jack to pick her up and explained the situation. He helped her pack her things while she wrote her goodbye note, and they were off.

As they drove towards the train station past the woods, Linda noticed something on the ground - a gray bunny she made for the kids. She pointed it out to Jack, and he said the kids were probably playing and threw it out of the open window in the car on their way home. They picked up the bunny and Linda rushed Jack to take her to the train station: Felix must be getting home by now and who knows how he might react to her leaving.

But when Jack returned home after dropping Linda off, his kids weren’t there. He propped the toy in the kitchen and called Felix, but he didn’t pick up. He kept on leaving increasingly irritated voice messages on his phone.

In the meantime, Felix returned home to find it folder than it ever was. Pictures taken down from walls, half the closet empty, the only food are at least a day-old leftovers, and his wife’s diary open on the bed. The weight of the day crashed over him and he had a complete mental breakdown as the phone played back Jack screaming and shouting.

Felix spiraled from there. Over time his mind twisted. Everything appeared ugly to him, everything except the picture of Linda he kept in his wallet, which he’d grown to treat like an image of God. He tried to get her back, but she kept slipping away.

And then, twisted thoughts began to bubble in his mind. He just has to remake Linda. He’s an inventor, he can build an animatronic, he can build her too. He just needs to find spare parts, something close enough to be able to recreate her. Someone close enough.

After the attempt with Jack turned out a failure, he turned to Rosemary. To the one lady in his company that he could swear had the same smile as Linda. He was obsessed with the idea of making a perfectly beautiful specimen, to remaking his wife. In his mind, he was almost finally making a child with her. And it had to be beautiful.

He kept Rocket because she made it. Many years later, he attacked a man with blonde hair and blue eyes wearing purple - for a moment, he thought he was her, and when he wasn’t, he flew into a rage.

And now he’s on the hunt for Rosemary - the last Walten - because of how many times Linda mentioned that she feels like Rosemary is her baby too.

[the-one-who-lambs]

About me!!

I'm Hannah (she/they). This is my Cult of the Lamb side blog; I follow back from my main @onethirdofimpossible and I also go by that username on AO3. I'm in my mid twenties and I'm from the US. If you're here, it's probably because you've read my fics, but I've written many fanfics for Cult of the Lamb. My works are typically focused on narilamb or the Bishop family, but I go all over the place: whether you like to read multichaps or oneshots, rated G or E, shippy or not, angst or fluff... there's probably something I've written that you'll enjoy! I'm best known as the author of The Risen Lamb and the Fallen God (the old version that I wrote back in 2022, and the new-and-improved "director's cut" version that is my current wip!) and The Care and Keeping of Baby Eldritch Gods.

A few other hobbies I have besides writing are cooking/baking, making plushies, digital art, and playing flute!

Despite being able to write pretty consistently, I'm a Ph.D. student in environmental science. If I haven't posted a fic update in a while, I'm probably preparing for a conference or getting into a fistfight with hydrostatic equilibrium or something.

Links

All my written works on AO3

Twitch, a recent endeavor of mine where I stream games and occasional art/writing!!

Fic playlist for The Risen Lamb and the Fallen God, with all songs in chronological order of what they refer to in the fic c:

I have a ko-fi but paypal is giving me shit so if you REALLY wanna b nice I have a Throne. I don't expect anything ever but if u get me something I'd die for you. and write more stuff while happier.

FAQ below the cut!

How long have you been writing?

I've been writing fanfiction since I was in sixth grade! I wrote what was basically a self-insert pokemon soulsilver fanfic, entirely by hand. It took up four full composition notebooks and then some. However, I've only been posting my writing publicly since 2016. Even after that, I had a nasty habit of making a sideblog for any fandoms I got really into, then deleting my blog and sometimes orphaning my works when I lost interest. I've since learned my lesson, though!

How long have you been drawing?

Ha, uh. I got a digital drawing tablet in May 2023, and started really drawing as a hobby for about... three months, and then the school year started again. Between then and June 2024 I drew like one or two things. So I've actually been practicing for only a few months. Constructive criticism on my art is welcome, especially as I learn!

May I send a fic/art request?

If my bio says they're open, you may, I think they're really fun! Depending on what does or doesn't inspire me, I won't take every single request, but I love requests because they give me excuses to try new things.

Do you write smut?

I've written a couple E-rated fics! My alternate pseud for fics of that caliber is remainderofreality. I don't write it very often, though.

What made you decide to start writing? What makes you decide to keep writing?

1. I had a creative bug I couldn't not itch. 2. Having creative hobbies and sticking to them has dramatically improved my life. I'm happier, I have so many friends it's connected me with, I get to see other people be inspired by things I make (?!), it keeps my mind active and playful, etc etc.

Do you have any suggestions for people looking to start writing?

Before you start worrying about the quality of your writing, the most important advice I can give you is to keep writing and have fun with it. Don't be afraid of being "cringe" or not getting the engagement numbers you're hoping for (in fact, it's better to not have any expectations about that at all!). Not everything you write is going to cater to everyone, and that's okay! But writing (especially fanfiction) is first and foremost for fun and even though it's difficult and you will struggle, it should be rewarding and fun. I've answered a few asks about writing advice and I can't find them all but here are the ones I can: 1 2 3 4

When do you expect to update your fic next?

Lmao god if I know but I'm working on my wips nearly every single day so I promise I haven't forgotten it. I'm a busy person! I'm a PhD student, teaching assistant, research assistant, and executive dysfunction haver.

Do you take commissions?

I don't, and I have no plans to as of now. I'm actually personally against writing fanfic for pay (copyright and ethical reasons), but for art I'm simply not experienced enough yet to be comfortable with that. However, I have TONS of friends who do take commissions so if you're looking for someone I can give you recs

May I draw fanart for you based on your fics?

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME I EXPLODE WITH JOY if you do please share it with me please please please. I will also likely ask for your permission to print it out and frame it (not a hyperbole, btw). Fanart that has been drawn for me (based on my fics and sometimes tumblr posts) can be found in the fanart for me tag as long as it's been posted to tumblr by the original artist! (Currently working on going back and tagging them all-- many pieces that have been shared with me haven't been posted to tumblr, but if I missed something please let me know!)

[trans-michael-shelley]

my contribution for Mutuals Powerpoint Night!!!!!! @wherearetheplants @astralrunic @multi-lefaiye @cnnamonrolls @abouttogetshellshocked @approximately20eggs (this is @/nicola-writes' TMA sideblog btw for those confused).

anyway. one more thing under the cut :))) you should click i promise

hello jon apologies for the deception but i wanted to make sure you started reading, so i thought it best not to announce myself. now:

JURGEN LEITNER? STUPID IDIOT MOTHERFUCKING JURGIEN LEITNER? GOD DAMN FOOL BOOK COLLECTING DUST EATING RAT OLD BASTARD SHITHEAD IDIOT AVATAR OF THE WHORE BIGGEST CLOWN IN THE CIRCUS LAUGHED OUT OF TOWN COWBOY MOTHERFUCKING JURGEN LEITNER

STOP PINNING ME WHEN I TALK ABOUT JURGEIN LEITNER I HATE HIM SO MUCH WHY DOES HE HAVE SO MANY FUCKED UP BOOKS WHY DID HE DECIDE TO FUCK AROUND AND FIND OUT JUST SET THEM LOOSE IS HE DEAD IS HE A BASTARD MAN HAS SUCH A VISCERAL AFFECT ON ME NOT EVEN IN THE ROOM NEVER SEEN HIS FACE AND I KNOW HE HAS THE WORLDS SHITTIEST BEARD GET AWAY FROM ME

if i wanted to get into heaven and god said jurgein leitners waiting inside i would piss on gods feet for the sole purpose of getting sent back down

if i have to deal with jurgen leitner speaking one word in person on voice in podcast not only will i close the tab i will delete my bookmark out of spite and have to rewatch the entire series again for the experience of being able to skip all the times when he is mentioned or alive

i dont even know why i hate him so much. he collects books but i am just mad because i am angy

he better have some fucked up backstory to explain this if hes just some rich shithead whose just a fan of creepypasta and wanted the irl version ill go ham

BETTER have had a book make him kill a man cuz if he didnt im going to make him

paypal.com/IFuckingHateJurgeinLeitner

episodes not even about him. vaguely mentioned what is supposed to maybe be his library and i lost it

where the fuck is jurgen leitner if hes still alive im going to so deeply wish he wasnt

crusty old man

ill punch leitner and his sad frail old man twig bones will simply flake apart under my epic huge meat fist and he will desintegrate until all thats left of him is one final book he kept on him at all times simply titled Now You Fucked Up in ancient yiddish

im not breathing im hyperventalating at this point

i hope theres a date given for when jurgen died or will die so i can make it a reminder on my phone

everyday once a year i will see it and do anything but pay respects to the man who had so many fucked up if true books

(congrats on experiencing both HELLO JON and the leitner rant now <3 youre in the fandom already)

[carmyberzattosjournal]

Entry 26: She Knew Something I Didn't

Screenshot by: @boardchairman-blog

Bearblr Promptober Day 26: Coffee Shop

Summary: Carmy reflects on meeting his girlfriend (who he calls Darling) at a coffee shop.

Warnings: Swearing, mentions of trauma, self-loathing, mentioned fight with Syd, mentions of patient loss for Darling, comfort, fem reader/lass who is a trauma surgeon, she/her pronouns (759 words)

Notes: All journal entries will be titled as such and tagged with #cb journal.

Thank you for reading. Thank you to @carmenberzattosgf for putting together this prompt list. Sideblog for commentary and yapping: @m-z-shoroi

Also, if random letters or words are black/white instead of the colors they should be, that's Tumblr being dumb, I've been fighting it for days.

26 Oct 2024

I met her at a coffee shop.

Sounds dumb. Also, unbelievable because my dumbass self went to a fucking coffee shop, but I promise you, it was for a good reason. Syd and I had a bad fight roundabouts the first month we were open. The kind that plays over and over in your head on a loop because you can’t figure out why you’re so riled up about it? Half the time, it’s because you acted a fucking asshole and you’re trying to spin the story in your head to make yourself feel less like shit about it. The other half, it's because you weren’t enough of an asshole and wish you could get a redo and really let the other person have it, just unleash fuck-all knows how many years of frustration pent up in the pressure cooker you shove everything else into because no one taught our parents how to deal with their emotions—so they never taught us.

It was the former for me. I was an asshole.

I’m rambling again.

We had a bad fight. You’re not even fucking listening to me anymore. Can you even hear me? Do you even know I’m here? Do you know you’re not in the walk-in anymore? Where the fuck is your head, Carmy? We can’t do daily fucking menu changes, what the fuck is wrong with you? That kind of bad.

The worst part of the ordeal—of her blowing up at me, of that role-reversal—was that it worked. Or maybe the worst part was that it was justified. Thinking about it now, I was really fucking losing it. Like properly off the deep end, screaming bubbles under water, a wild animal choking itself against its collar. It was that last bit, the “what the fuck is wrong with you” that broke through whatever the fuck was going on with me. What the fuck was wrong with me? No, in all seriousness, what was it? Why did my next instinct default to replaying her coffee order over and over again in my head to add to the cacophony of screaming? That’s not fucking normal, is it?

Is it? What the shit is normal even?

So, yeah, I went to the local coffee place she likes with the plan to grab her coffee, but there was this girl sitting at the corner table, right? The one by the windows. Hair neat but out of the way, sunglasses on the crown of her head, cardigan made of these squares that had daisies in them (I’ve since learned they’re crocheted granny squares—the fuck kind of a name is granny squares). It’s right as winter turns to spring (or Stop Fucking Raining season). Maybe it was the color of her cardigan that caught my attention—the green in those squares. Maybe I was just a lonely fuck still smarting over a relationship that I fucked up.

Fine. I’ll give you credit. Maybe it was God.

She waved at me. Smiled. Normally, I’m a bit of a dick and forget to smile back, favoring a weird old-man nod (it’s a habit I picked up from Cicero, I’m pretty sure), but she drew a smile from me. Something about how unexpectant she was. She didn’t want anything from me, just wanted to acknowledge my existence as one-tick-closer-to-happy-than-background-noise. I grabbed coffee for myself, planned on grabbing Syd’s later (I did remember to, it managed a truce, but that’s not exactly a great behavior pattern, is it? Reminds me too much of ma). Wandered over to her table. She moved her books before I asked if I could join her.

What possessed me to?

Heartache? Regret? Misery? Loneliness? Her cardigan? First person I noticed in as many weeks? I don’t know. I don’t think it matters. I’ve asked her since then why she smiled at me. As if she somehow knew something I didn’t.

She was at the coffee shop on a short leave from work. She had a brutal case the day before—17-year-old kid caught in a car accident who was in the OR for 18 hours hovering between life and death, only to then go into anaphylactic shock at the antibiotics started on him post-op and then not make it. The only other person who survived was the mother, but upon learning that she was the only one left, she rapidly deteriorated. Didn’t make it, either.

Her answer? “I smile at everyone. There isn’t enough positivity in the world.”

I swear to whatever is holy and unholy, I will protect this woman with my life.

[waitmyturtles]

I’ve been on Tumblr for ONE YEAR!

Yes! I can’t believe it. Tumblr has become such an important part of my life, an essential process by which I watch and understand dramas -- that it’s insane to think that I’ve only been on the site for a year.

It was Old Fashion Cupcake that brought me here, off a recommendation from the incredible @isaksbestpillow, whose sideblog I followed for years at @kinounaniresource without my actually having created a Tumblr account. And then I watched OFC, and I was like WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK DID I JUST WATCH (in a great way), and I needed to PROCESS, and I just threw together my blog, and that was it, and I was like, god, I feel better!, and maybe I should do this for other shows I watch.

And now, besides ALL the reviews and meta I’ve written, I have the Old GMMTV Challenge, learning about shows from Thailand, which literally connect me to my SE Asian heritage, which I would have never, ever expected. Plus, so, so many other shows that I would have never found out about on my own had it not been for my joining Tumblr. And I’ve used Tumblr to write Big Meta on themes across these shows that take me out of the vacuum of series and into bigger, more macro expanses of media. And I’ve discovered artists like Aof Noppharnach, Jojo Tichakorn, and others, ASIAN artists who have literally contributed goodness to my life for what they’ve given to me as an Asian-American in regards to how I see and understand the cultures from which I hail.

And -- I’ve met so many INCREDIBLE MUTUALS FROM THIS SITE (including literally in-person!). People I can literally call MENTORS (@absolutebl, @respectthepetty, @bengiyo!!!), FRIENDS, a COMMUNITY. Everyone everyone who comments on my OGMMTVC posts. Whoa. (Thinking of my first and loveliest mutual @the-nihongo-adventure, who gave me a lot of early recommendations on dramas and shared happinesses over our love for Cherry Magic -- I hope you’re well, friend!)

Anyway -- I cannot believe it’s only been a year, and I’m psyched to continue plugging away at the OGMMTVC and discovering new dramas as well. Yay!

(To the clowns: @bengiyo, @shortpplfedup, @lurkingshan, @wen-kexing-apologist, @ginnymoonbeam, @liyazaki, @elnotwoods, @kyr-kun-chan, @so-much-yet-to-learn, @emotionallychargedtowel, I hope I’m not missing anyone -- and everyone else who comments on the OGMMTVC posts and who hits me up in my DMs. I. LOVE. Y’ALL. Y’all are the reason why I stay around here.)

[bvckandeddie]

Tumblr Fandom: A Year in Review 2023

i was tagged by @captain-hen, thank you! 🥰

i was tempted to skip the top five blorbos/fandoms/pairings section because let's be honest, it's really only been buck and eddie for the entire year, but i do have other interests even if i'm not as involved in them as i am in buddie. so enjoy learning more about my ao3 history, i guess? 😂

top 5 blorbos:

evan "buck" buckley (9-1-1)

eddie diaz (9-1-1)

roy kent (ted lasso)

clint barton (marvel)

billy butcher (the boys) (i literally started watching this show two weeks ago but y'know what? i'm adding it. butcher is just so blorbo shaped.)

top 5 fandoms:

9-1-1

avatar: the last airbender (for anyone who doesn't know, my atla sideblog is @zukkababey!)

marvel

ted lasso

teen wolf

top 5 pairings:

evan buckley/eddie diaz (9-1-1)

roy kent/jamie tartt (ted lasso)

clint barton/bucky barnes (marvel)

arthur/eames (inception)

billy butcher/hughie campbell (the boys)

shoutout to some new friends:

i've talked to so many new people this year who have really made me feel included in the 9-1-1 fandom, namely @devirnis, @colonoscopys, @shitouttabuck, @housewifebuck, @eddiebabygirldiaz, @vampbuckley and @buck2eddie. i love seeing you all in my notifications, and so many of you have been so encouraging, especially during my writing drought that's been persisting for months. y'all are great 🥹🫶

shoutout to some old friends:

i'm kinda new here but @eddiediaaz, i'm pretty sure you were my first ever 9-1-1 mutual that i talked to and you really made me feel so so welcome in the fandom when i posted my first buddie fic back in 2022. i will always be grateful for that and you!!! ❤️

favourite creation you posted this year:

it's definitely gotta be what a heart can do. i love dad buck so much, i had such a fun time writing it, and i think it's some of my best storytelling. it makes me really happy that so many people have read and enjoyed it!

favourite creation posted by someone else this year:

THIS VIDEO by @butchdiaz. holy fucking shit. i'm sure everyone reading this has already seen it, but ohhhhh my god. this video rearranged my molecules. i can't listen to ceilings without thinking about it. the way you edited it to match so many important buddie moments, it genuinely makes me feel so insane. i re-watched it last night and i'm still vibrating just thinking about it.

people who brightened your year:

so many people!!! @negansmiith made a graphic for hurt locker that basically made my whole year! it is saved in my camera roll and i look back on it frequently. 🥰 @housewifebuck made a beautiful hat that i am genuinely obsessed with. check out their shop!!! anyone who has ever read my silly tags on a post i reblogged and dm'd me to chat about it—i love you.

anyone else you'd like to mention:

everyone who has read my fics or commented on them telling me your thoughts, thank you. seriously. just know that when i read your comment(s), i was twirling my hair and kicking my feet back and forth and squealing and smiling so hard my cheeks started to hurt. every single comment made 2023 that much brighter.

five of your favourite authors this year:

@gayhoediaz - every time i get an email that you've posted a buddie fic, i know that i have a bedtime story for that night. i know it's gonna be a good one, every single time.

@devirnis - i read your fic about buck and eddie ring shopping and getting caught up in a robbery and i've never looked back. i've read so many of your fics this year (and tbh, thank god i still have more to read) and i'm looking forward to reading all the ones that you have in the works!!!

@colonoscopys - i’m pretty sure that i binged basically all of your fics this year and i don’t regret a single thing (except maybe going through them too fast). god, i love your writing.

@rewritetheending - gosh the way you’re able to get to the heart of emotions and describe them in a way that puts an ache in my chest makes me want to claw the ground until my fingernails break off. my fave fic of yours is still while we do what lovers do and i know it wasn’t posted in 2023 but i needed to shout it out here because goddddddd. i still think about it all the time.

@letmetellyouaboutmyfeels - i enjoyed reading your halloween fics this year so much, particularly your dark buddie au. sometimes you just gotta imagine your wholesome, already in love blorbos be absolutely unhinged and crazy about each other, and that’s perfectly normal. i actually remember looking for a dark buddie fic when i first joined the fandom and there were none, so i’m glad my wish was fulfilled, especially when it was done so damn well.

five of your favourite artists/gifmakers/podficcers/etc. this year:

@try-set-me-on-fire - you could have gone under fave authors too, but i fucking love your art style. i don't know art terms so forgive me, but something about the messiness and abstractness scratches this itch deep in my brain and they evoke such unnameable feelings that want to burst out of my ribcage. ugh!!!!!! if you sold prints i'd be checking out in two seconds flat.

@butchdiaz - i know i already waxed poetic about your ceilings edit, but i love your edits/gifs too, particularly this one. it's so simple but so beautiful and fucking devastating. the gif aspect is subtle but intentional (buck fading to black and white while the blood stays red?????? KILL ME!). i'd eat your gifs if i could.

@shitouttabuck - you could go under fave authors too (hello i love you like a dog fic) but i wanted to shout you out here because you are so fucking funny. every single edit you post makes me giggle out loud. tbh i didn't even realize they were all from you until i started scrolling through your edit tag looking for this post. i can't get over it. i literally laughed at it AGAIN when i found it.

@eddiediaaz - you are constantly feeding the 911 fandom. you make so many gifsets on so many different sideblogs that i'm sure no one actually knows how many gifs you're constantly making. and every single one is so goddamn good??? and they're so creative. like this one??? there are so many things going on, i can't even fathom how the hell you did it. gifmakers are magic, i swear.

@iinryer - YOUR ART FUELS ME. your style is so *clenches fist* fucking cool. the lines are simple but they still look like the characters?? i admire that so, so much because i know if i ever tried that they'd look so wonky, lol. i think about juice box chim all the damn time and i don't know where i've been lately but this one with buck and chris??? it's so soft and sweet and vulnerable, with the way buck is holding him and chris is nestled. GOD. everything you make is gold.

three (+1) things you're looking forward to in 2024:

getting my masters degree!

getting a job, maybe???

posting more buddie fic 👀

+ season 7 of 911, obviously.

i’m sure i’ve missed some people inadvertently but this was really fun to do! at this time of year, with the short days and cold weather (at least for some of us), i think we could all do with a little bit of joy and a brighter day. i really love this fandom and i'm so grateful to be a part of it!

tagging everyone i mentioned in this post, if you haven’t already done it and want to participate! ❤️

[yellingmetatron]

Thinking of making a sideblog for some other archangels. In Ye Olde Dayes wen I wasn't interacting wit many other angelic/demonic muses, I kinda characterized Meta's sibs in specific ways. For example: Zaphkiel, the angel associated with the sepirah Binah (Understanding) was represented by GLaDOS, because I really dig the idea of a machine angel, and Barakiel was Brian Blessed. Raphael had a bit of a stutter (which did NOT make him weak or timid), and Raziel was represented by Billy Drago and was very, very weird. Add to all that I was going by a non-Christian interpretation of Samael wherein he was still in full communion with God, and you get some stuff that I really cherish influencing Meta's personality, but is not at all accessible at the moment.

I am still disease-ridden, so it's not gonna be soon, and it's not gonna be fancy regardless. But I'm writing about it here to incentivize myself to do it, and maybe gauge interest.