#god i fucking cannot do this anymore
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and suddenly the words "I'm scared he'll actually hurt me" came out of my mouth. Which is funny, cus she'd never admit that he even scared her in the slightest.
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Im about to get controversial.
Out of chrollo, illumi and hisoka, hisoka is canonically the least likely to flirt to get anything he wants, if at all.
A lot of people think he's a natural flirt but I fear I couldn't have disagreed more. He only "flirted" a single time and that was solely to piss off machi, knowing she'd never agree. Hot take? He would've never asked if he knew she'd agree.
Also, bro's the biggest humanphobe in the anime. He keeps his distance from everyone. The only human physical contact he ever made was through fighting people. (If you're a person thats interested in seeing more evidence, I have an entire long thread about it on twitter that I do plan on posting here soon)
so u cannot give me 1 reason for hisoka to flirt with someone at a random bar but chrollo and illumi? i can think of a few.
chrollo, he already canonically flirts to get what he wants. straight up goes on dates gets a suit and shit. he has no reputation among the general public that hes concerned of that isnt the spider. Illumi? He's a manipulator. I HIGHLY doubt he never flirted to get something in his life from people who are too easy to win over. He's someone that wouldn't care what people think of him. He's also anonymous. People have no idea who tf he is anyways. If it affected the zoldyck reputation? Thats a different story.
Hisoka? he would fucking NEVER. Him specifically? HE HAS A REPUTATION. And whats that reputation? That hes an absolute disgusting freak that no one should dare to approach. He kills people. He fights live and makes sure the audience is always disgusted and weirded out by his actions and performances. You look at him and you should immediately look away and pray he hasn't seen you.
So riddle me this. If his entire shtick is making sure everyones afraid of him and avoids him, then why the hell would he get himself a reputation that makes him approachable????
Why would he get himself a reputation that makes you, as a person who only ever heard of him picking people up, want to approach him.
On top of that, I just.. don't see him picking random people up..??? random weaklings that dont even know nen????? he literally treats them like trash that inconveniences his time. You're saying he'd EVER give them the privilege of sleeping with him???
And then you'd say, oh so he'd sleep with strong people! HERES THE THING. Why would he sleep with them..... when he can fight them. Him getting off from fighting comes NOWHERE to actual sex. What people don't understand is that he gets off to killing people and seeing them crumble in front of him when they realize theyre going to die. Torturing people to death. What's... that got to do with like. yknow. actual sex bro 😭😭😭😭😭😭
this turned into a huge rant probably but do you know how genuinely depressing it is seeing a unique character like hisoka that gains lust through FIGHTING and KILLING reduced to. sex addict in fics. Like. be so fucking serious right now. He called himself a FIGHT ADDICT in the manga. Can I see more of him actually spending his time killing and fighting people instead of whatever the hell bros doing with a random npc.
Anyways this is also why I hc him as asexual/demisexual NEXTTTT
#When a fic is so good but they make a hisoka a sex god instead of a murderer. like dear god. Ya Allah. Mercy on me.#can i please get more fics where he absolutely fucking murders people in deranged ways like god (Togashi) intended instead of....#(checks notes) .....sex???#sorry to me this is 1 fanon characterization that i just gag from i cannot physically stomach that shit anymore.#also the way he never touched a single human and is not a touchy person yet the musical made disgustingly touchy with everyone including go#i saw red when i saw that one scene.#thats not fucking hisoka morow thats hekosa pedoro#if togashi wanted him to sleep around he would've so simply and easily made him mention that. Like even leorio said he jacks off.#yet togashi didnt. because HE DOESNT.#HISOKA GET BEHIND ME#anyways asexual hisoka morow canon goodnight everyone#also trans hisoka can we get a little more content of that i know its completely unrelated but pls im starving#i would put the “ill do it myself meme” WHICH I DO I HAVE A DEMI HISOILLU FIC but im so slow at writing fics sobs and throws up#hisoillu#hisoka x illumi#illumi#illumi zoldyck#hisoka#hisoka morow#chrollo#chrollo lucilfer#hxh#hunter x hunter#my post#my analysis
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i’m so fine and normal about this guys
#ugh#this is because i was clowning on pleasing posting a model wearing a ‘you’re insecure’ shirt isn’t it#GOD DAMMIT#guys i fucking miss them so much i cannot do it anymore#when they announce the reunion if i don’t get tickets… bad things will happen#someone will need to keep an eye on me at all times to make sure i don’t do something drastic#ugh just. they’re just the best#i just miss them#sorry for teenage girl posting it will happen again#one direction#niall horan#harry styles#😞
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sobbing thinking about nobamaki seeing each other for the first time post shibuya incident. after they hug nobara vaguely gestures at her missing eye and maki’s bandaged eye and remarks, “we make a pair.”
this causes maki to burst out into a fit of wet tears again. she can’t help but chuckle at the absurdity of their situation and how nobara manages to make light of it.
#i’m sobbing#i miss them#so bad#nobamaki#ohhhh my doomed lesbians#i want them back#i need them back#i need to be asleep right now but why sleep when i can think about sad and doomed lesbians#gege why do you do this to me#jujutsu kaisen#jjk#oh my god and#post shibuya maki being insecure about her looks#and nobara reassuring her that she looks absolutely fucking stunning no matter what#i literally cannot do this anymore
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how do i turn qantoine’s spontaneous marriage proposal to qetoiles into evidence of his early-days fear of qfrench drifing away and keeping secrets from one another
#the conversation takes place in antoine’s vod: L’ANNIVERSAIRE DE TALLULAH at 41 mins ish#like . okay . its such a fucking crazy moment to me that still lives in my head bc it’s a a joke . but it’s also not#he asks etoiles directly after spiderbit wedding . ‘don’t you want to get married?’#after it gets mentioned*#etoiles turns him down bc he ‘doesn’t have time to fuck [he] needs to kill everyone’#and antoine says ‘well but— just a marriage’ like it’s the act itself that is the most important to him not anything that could come with it#the confirmation of partnership . of having someone to rely on . something that feels to him maybe more certain and solid than the#friendships antoine had at that point . like if he felt things were slipping and he was being left behind he wanted the certainty of#something like a marriage that is traditionally considered More important and certain .#and i think the end of their conversation is notable in how antoine brings up the notion of betrayal — he getting betrayed by others and how#he’s fed up with it . after etoiles says no to the marriage (though specifying that he’s gonna think about it) antoine brings the whole#betrayal thing up after a pause . he doesn’t necessarily consider etoiles as having betrayed him but it’s that lack of certainty#certainty that etoiles has refused to give him that makes him start to open up about how he’s tired of people promising him things (or#seeming to promise him things) only to leave him out and in the dark . and there’s an insecurity there that really shines if you take this#moment into consideration with the Larger Shifting his character is going through .#like tldr ; qantoine has begun to realise that his friends are starting to form deeper bonds with other people and thus keep secrets with#them which to him means leaving him behind . taking notice of this he brings this up to his friends in . not exactly direct ways . he#talks about how he doesn’t like secret keeping but doesn’t seem to push much further and he also tries to remedy the issue#of feeling left behind by doing shit as discussed above ^ however on account of the InHuman i’m not sure he understands what he’s doing very#well . and as we know antoine doesn’t make much progress and ends up retreating into himself and beginning to keep his own secrets . to do#his own shady shit . to work in the shadows and not be honest with any of his friends either . to hold them at arm’s length despite how much#he still cares . the only person he puts his full trust into anymore is pomme . not ayp who he deems too underhanded . not bagz who he sees#as having started the whole ‘secret keeping’ stuff in the first place . and not etoiles who’s actively going down a path with the codes and#resistance that he cannot follow#that was NOT a short tldr . why the fuck am i writing dissertation length tags about MINECRAFT BLOCKS#god whatever who cares i get joy out of this thats what matters#anw if you read this far holy shit ur insane . thank you#i am going to bed now godbless !#jay rambles#qfrench.posting
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:))
#to be fair it was actually two passive aggressive texts… i never stood a chance 😔#but fr i cannot fucking do this anymore#i forgot to text her back and she immediately starts trying to guilt me ab it#and then immediately reminds me that i have a tendency to overreact so i can’t call her out on how shitty she’s being#even though she was the one overreacting in the first place on god i cannot do this shit anymore#but i have no choice bc even working full time i can’t support me or my dog w/out borrowing money from her#so i just have to take whatever she throws at me and she knows it
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i need a McFuckin break
#too many traumatic incidents have occured in too short of a time frame#im over here tryna caretake and regulate other peoples emotions meanwhile im fucking struggling to even process my own#i just want some goddamn peace & quiet and AMPLE alone time.#the new year cannot come quickly enough#please god im BEGGING you for mercy#highkey cannot take it anymore#anxiety at an all time high urge to blow my fucking brains out at an all time high#please... if youre reading this do not ask me for anything. please do not.#do not ask me to listen do not ask me to speak do not ask me for emotional support. i simply Can Not do it rn#i need to not be Needed for a while#vent post#delete later
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I am so mad about how desperately into pan I am. he was specifically made to fuck me up. they dangled him in front of me like 'hey would you like to see a sad clown trickster with emotional intimacy issues and a heart of, if not gold, then some mysterious alloy with qualities not at all unlike those of gold at the end of the day?' and I went 'boy would I!' and now I'm lost. I'm on my knees he's like if reyes vidal was actually redeemable instead of just a 'release my man he did do all of that but I don't care' situation
#the way he seems so genuinely *delighted* by grace finding her voice and wants her to be able to make her music again#even when she's not the muse anymore............ what the fuck that is the sweetest thing I've ever heard in my LIFE dude#low-key grace's biggest fan musically at least fhsajkd#stray gods#stray gods pan#(this is not a slam on reyes btw the fact that he's unconscionable is part of the appeal in that specific case lol)#I went into the game mostly blind and from what I had seen I fully intended to romance freddie#and then... this bitch shows up for literally one song and I have to restart the whole thing before I even get to challenging a queen#because I now desire the goat guy carnally and I want to duet with him for the rest of forever thank u#also I don't think I can ever not romance him now seeing the contrast between what he gets up to in the endings#what do you MEAN if you don't romance him he just goes off and no one knows where he is. he's still just so alone??? no not on my watch#(if freddie is dead ( :( ) and you romance him there's an *adorable* part in the epilogue where he tells you hekate has him running around#getting lost relics back in a series of distinctly indiana jones-esque misadventures and it sounds like he's having the time of his life#if this is what it takes for him to actually talk to his family without anyone being complete dicks about it I must solemnly accept#the terrible burden of kissing him on every single run through of this game. it cannot be helped it's out of my hands now)
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ohhhh my fucking god nobody needs to like know any of this medical tmi but it is literally 11 pm and if im kept up one minute longer when i just laid down trying to go to sleep by my mother YELLING REPEATEDLY that she needs to pee. im going to actually go insane. she got a catheter in. Yesterday. it is working. she won't listen to anyone when they tell her that this is the case. help me jesus. im sure if a nurse comes to check on her tomorrow they'll probably get the same response. my brain will simply explode
#crow.txt#the absolute levels of stress im under could create diamonds out of free floating carbon atoms my fucking god#can i have. Literally just one day of peace. just one!! fuck!!!!#at least now i have SOME validation from everyone else of shit that mom has honestly kinda always done#be absolutely furious and bitchy usually for no good goddamn reason and then immediately turn it off to look good in front of someone else#i had a feeling mom coming home was gonna be utterly miserable sooner rather than later#i literally cannot leave my room without her yelling for dad bc she thinks im him i guess. she has gotten him up like 4 times now#what the fuck do you want any of us to doooooooooooo. according to dad shes also just been really fucking hateful today#including to her SISTER who has been facilitating literally everything medically for her for the last month plus#like on one hand i know its hard and frustrating etc etc absolutely. on the other. what the fuck are you yelling at any of us for!#whatd we do! not a damn thing for the most part! holy shit im exhausted#and then im sure she will have the audacity to wonder why i dont really want to interact with her much rn#its very apparent she doesnt really understand whats going on or how much of anything works at this point including hospice care#but i truly cannot help you when your knee jerk response is to yell and be abusive. like. dads not been great either#bc hes also one to bitch and moan and yell abt shit. but like. so is mom. more than usual#and ill actually be damned if i let her treat me like that honestly ever again. like idk for once i can just#walk away from this behavior with zero consequences. i dont have to take it anymore. im not free but at least im fuckin closer than i was#guess my aunt wasnt kidding when she said her being coherent and rational last week might be the calm before the storm
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MY FACE HAS NEVER VEEN REDER I AM SI EMVARASSED IM GOING TO KILL MHSELF RIGHT NOW OH NY GOD I CANNOT
#THIS IS WHY I SHOULD NEVER GIVE MY IRLS ANY OF MY SOCIALS#OH MY GOD THEYRE A CLOSE FRIEND TOO YHEY CANNOT KNOW#WHAT HAPPENEX YESTEFAY#I CANT DO THIS ANYMORE#SHUT THE FUCK YP#ISIDOFK
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why do all girls around me have girl friends?????????????? why dont i get to have that??????????
#well whatever i just want#i dont want anything#i just want#no idk#well whatever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#in my head im loved and wanted and cherished by my kidnapper bf <33333333333333333#i dont like the pain and violence but im just happy he wants me#he isnt real but idk#being this lonely is so#idk#i just dont know anymore i try so hard to be ok#and pretend im ok#but im not#i hate watching shows and they all have friends#i hate reading books and they all have friends#i hate going outside and they all have friends#i hate seeing my old friends and my cousins bc they all have friends#who am i? no one#what am i? nothing#whatever!!!!!!#fuck i wish i didnt have these loser disorders and health anxiety#bc i wanna get fucked up but im to boohoo scared to do drugs or drink alcohol#i literally cannot have any escape#death is the only thing i long for#i just dont wanna be alone but i honestly#i dont even dare to get close to anyone#bc why why why would they ever wanna stay with me#i dont even want to get kidnapped bc he'd get sick of me after a week tops#i just dont wanna feel lonely anymore#ive tried to pretend im ok for weeks now but god im so sick of this i dont
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Watching RWBY Chibi for the first time for this essay and I'm in absolute agony. Do people actually find this funny?
#rwde#on the 5th ep and i have been able to predict every joke so far and probs will continue to do so#cannot believe the amt of jokes that are literally just 'haha blake is a cat'#esp since the writers obviously understand that those kinds of jokes are in universe racist like WHY ARE YOU LEANING INTO THOSE JOKES THEN#you KNOW you tied black american racism to the faunus so why are you making fun of blakes identity as a faunus???#you can really tell its written by men too#the 3rd episode was viscerally uncomfortable every time jaune came on screen#that episode contained more realistic warning signs of an abusive man than anything the writers did w adam or jacque#like. hes straight up LIVID at his perception of being ignored and then destroyed weiss's scroll to preserve his dignity#probs bc he knows that any person who listened to his pathetic whimpering would file a restraining order bc he cant take a no for an answer#i hate jaune so fucking much#i remember reading in the xover comics that team jnpr was kidnapped and saying 'thank god jaune wont be in this'#technically he was but he wasnt hogging the screentime so its a win! throw that man in the garbage where he belongs!#also that bit where ruby screamed at blake that her book was filth whilst also keeping it is really disturbing#esp now that purity culture is becoming exceedingly more prominent#that has some v concerning implications for the society of remnant#if religion aint that common anymore why is ruby suddenly catholic?#'oh lighten up its a joke show' jokes need to be good and all the rwbyverse needs to be held accountable for its crimes against media#3d chibis are abominations and should be killed w fire
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i think the most we will get is PC release (if that) this year but that means we gotta deal with those trolls bc changing angrb0da’s skin color is such a big deal to these mfs and i still dont understand that sweet baby inc shit bcuz all the information im seeing is just bundled bullshit LMFAOOO i feel like her actual character gets overshadowed by the made up problems and no one actually talks abt HER as a character or even analyses her fr (outside of here ofc) lol sms abt to make a banger with her and atreus istg
#Truth be told i dont even wanna talk abt this anymore but this topic gets brought up pretty much every week atp#How weird is it that u would only accept her if she were white#Thats literally you admitting you like her character but her being black is a deal breaker#I feel like no matter how much they want her to be a white girl changing her skin wouldnt change their opinion abt her#Theres this one (big) acct in particular thats constantly shitting on rag and its like bro u need to just leave if ur not happy#or take a long ass break and come back at times and then leave again cuz hes just miserable as fuck and yall know exactly who im talking ab#I do see more people getting annoyed with this topic and i dont blame them#its getting super out of hand and dragged out atp#Once again i do not want ppl to like her out of PITY. she deserves a very honest group of fans and if those fans are ppl#That disliked her at first but started to like her later on thats fine as long as its out of being genuine#I cannot wait for her to gain more fans fr but i have to be careful what i wish for bcuz i dont want ppl to become too crazy lol#I might just post smth on that god forsaken reddit as an appreciation post of her or smth idk yet LMFAOOO#I for sure will have to be more brave and visible with my love for her one of these days#also very grateful for that one ragnarok vp. he loves angie for sure#Anyways#Love angie for life#Gow#god of war ragnarok#rant
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HI Uncle Nina <3 Can we hear about how your Rm!Style met as kids?
listen, you guys. i am SO excited for this!!! words cannot express how excited it makes me when i get to talk about the prequel, like they are sooo stikin' cute in the prequel!!! ilysm baby raven and jersey. MWAH!
*eldritchhorror!kenny!nina cracks knuckles n opens up a portal* okay girls, gays n gays, we're going on a field trip,
TO THE PAST!
( i’m chaotic bi ms. frizzle in the pink y2k hello kitty bus )
so, i gotta be honest, my friends, i don't know EXACTLY how old the boys are, but i am gonna say they are anywhere between 6-8 y/o. it's summer time and the broflovski's have just moved to southern park, colorado from sheila's hometown in new jersey...and have moved in right next door...to the marsh family, namely:
ravenstanley r.w. marsh.
who i am using as a primary narrator...FOR ONCE!
because to tell you this was the best day of his life was an goddamn understatement...to tell you that this changed his life, even, is a fkn understatement because this moment, this fateful day GAVE HIS ENTIRE LIFE MEANING. meeting kyle broflovski...was Everything.
again, it wasn't just like 'oh, this boy who moved next door to me is kinda cute, i might have a crush on him'
It Was Dead Serious, Guys.
a teeny tiny, itsy bitsy, ickle ravenstanley marsh heard a single loud, angry, brutal note of the kyle broflovski new jersey slaughterhouse and was immediately irreversibly head over heels IN LOVE with him.
fresh from jersey kyle asked stan if he could open his fresca and the man's synesthesia was flashing, spinning, ringing and dinging like he was playing the world's biggest slot machine and just hit JACKPOT.
and that was before he got a good look at him because...
Wooooowza. <3
all the hundreds of little freckles speckled over his skin like sun-stars, his big, beautiful curly red hair, his gorgeous, glowering mean, green eyes ravenstan was legitimately Breathtaken by kyle's beauty, omfg.
however, the funniest part abt all of this to me is that poor sweet pre!rm rae is legitimately having divine visions and hearing angelic choirs, meanwhile pre!rm jers is just staring blankly at this weird, giant-eyed freaky mouth-breathing rural colorado kid ( who ig is his neighbor now, smh ) that's just staring up at him and sweating and shaking and looks like he's having a Stroke.
edit: i forgot to describe what they looked like so know that ravenstan had come out of the house because his mom told him to say hi to the neighbors and help them with boxes and stuff, say hi to their son, etc.
i think his hair is shoulder length, but its in a lil ponytail, he's in randy's gigantic black sabbath t-shirt, probably has a gigantic edgy boy temp tattoo of a skull or a snake on his neck, smh, little like hot wheels, boy section of target-esqe stickers all over his face and arms, little other edgy elementary school boy marker tattoos on his arms because he literally has always been a rockstar.
meanwhile, jersey, in canon ncu baby kyle fashion, is wearing his gigantic kyle signature orange coat and green ushanka IN THE MIDDLE OF SUMMER because he is self conscious and sheila bought both on sale at the mall during summer when the winter stuff is all half up because she's a thrifty queen and wants him to get wear out of them and break them in...smh.
so he is sweating like hell and just wants to get his fresca open, which is very vintage and still comes in the bottle.
but regarding The Fresca Of Fate,
stan Does eventually ( open / it. )
...in the most chaotic, unhinged way possible, btw.
which is that baby ravenstan bites, rips and twists the cap off with his teeth like a feral fucking animal ( which i think happened because he was legitimately panicking like holy shit, what do i do, what the Fuck do i doooo?!?! i don't know how to get this open but the beautiful spotty boy w/ the perfect voice asked me to do it, so ¡oRALE! )
note: it is this party trick that he'd seen randy do a couple of times and just replicated, but totally ripped his lip open in the process, btw.
anyways, rae hands the fresca back to baby jersey and because he is a fkn idiot but also a superstar ( i love u raven ) shoots kyle the signature stanley marsh wink-peace sign-finger gun combo wombo.
and jersey is just SHOOK because that was, in fact, criminally insane, but also...kinda cool? and an oddly touching gesture because he could have just handed the bottle back or said go fuck yourself, new kid! because he didn't give a shit about this kid from next door and his parents were both busy...but wanted kyle to have his little drinky poo so bad that he literally busted his lip open turning into a can-opener for ky...and did the cutest, weirdest most awkward hand-sign ever.
tldr; it was brave and reckless and boyish and radiant. and kyle, who usually is highly disgusted by the germs of other people...finds that brings the lip of the fresca bottle to his with ease, sips his drink, which tastes like victory and probably a bit like cinnamon red hots, watches his weirdo neighbor give him the wink peace sign finger gun combo and is so weirdly endeared by this that he...
gives stan a rare kyle smile and even rarer kyle laugh. :’)
and this is so glorious and gorgeous to ravenstan that he literally cannot breathe, his heart is pounding in his chest, he is fkn shaking, goes to say something and immediately THROWS UP ALL OVER KYLE AND PASSES OUT. skhdlksahdsh HEEEEELP NO.
but yeah...that's how dad and dad met. please note that in canon ncu fashion ravenstan followed jersey around like a lovesick puppy, ignoring all of the kids trying to get his attention and play with him, desperate for kyle to acknowledge his existence for literally five seconds or accept his offer of being super best friends...
all the while, jerseykyle is trying to get away from him because he doesn't like other people, doesn't want to be friends, just wants to be left alone and be alone skhdld and is like weird kid with the giant eyeballs PLEASE FUCK OFF ( this does make stan fall more in love with him, stan i need you to go to therapy for the type of guys u like ) and this apathy and disinterest continues until...
stan takes the stark's pond hockey puck for him.
and suddenly, kyle's cold dead heart starts beating again, he sees ravenstan in the hospital recovering from slicing his face and mouth open again, who smiles so hard he RIPS his stitches open again, smh and from that moment on, they are Super Best Friends.
but both secretly want something more, legend says.
-uncle nina, obsessed with the prequel <3
#BRAAAAAAAAAAAAANCH IN MY EEEEEEEEEEEYE#sorry i have been dead silent guys when i tell u i have been so busy and so tired that i cannot keep my eyes open omg#but i wanted to give u some canopener lip lore#yes ravenstan still does this as a party trick#its extremely bad for ur teeth don't do it stan likes to be cool#he does not slice his lip open anymore thank goodness#management tells him hes really not supposed to because of the filling in his front tooth but ravenstan is a really bad listener#hi adhd smh#BUT NO LIKE HE IS SO INSANE HE WAS LIKE OH GOD OH FUCK MUST IMPRESS THE LOVE OF MY LIFE#MY NICE MOM IS INSIDE WITH PERFECT BOYS MOM#MY SCARY ASS DAD IS OUTSIDE WITH PERFECT BOYS SCARY DAD AND IM SCARED TO ASK HIM FOR ANYTHING#SO HERE WE GO JUST GONNA USE MY TEETH LMAO#he is insane but he is also a romantico king what can i say#the way kyle was just like...wow that was so weird but also why is my face kinda warm no boy has cared abt me like that#ALSO YES HE DOES THROW UP ON KYLE A LOT WHEN THEY ALMOST KISS MULTIPLE TIMES ITS A THEME#YES IT SUCKS also i love my ncu canon of baby stan being obsessed with kyle and slow burn tsundere kyle#being like fuck off and leave me alone u are so weird while the entire town is like stan marsh pls notice me HEEELP#MY! SONS!!!#but no after the hockey puck incident jersey was wooed#and they were both in secret gay crush on my sbf hell smh
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Never talking in the discord again (this is probably a lie) (I crave human connection) (why does it feel like everyone hates me) (what if I deleted my entire online presence. what then.) so here’s a wip I just posted there that’s for cwfkb that I wrote at 3am, hence the lack of punctuation. My apologies if it’s incomprehensible
#dani writes#dani ramblings#codywan#god. fuck. I cannot do this anymore#lord why do I feel so garbage all of the time#me: wants to be perceived#also me: CANNOT be perceived as annoying or I WILL transform into an oyster
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#I don't know how to do this#I don't know how to fucking do this#I had a fucking Hours long crying breakdown after my parents left today#bc i'll never be fucking good enough for them#but if I say anything then we're acknowledging it and maybe it's better to not acknowledge it#maybe we just go back to ignoring the distance#if I say anything then I’m the bad guy again#I don't want to have to do this I don't want to have to keep being the one who steps forward first#I just want to stop trying and let it be what it is and let it hurt in a dull distant way#i've started crying again just from thinking about it#and I don't cry. I haven't cried more than like a light sniffle in three years until today#(bc of antidepressants)#I don't know what to do#I don't want to make it worse I don't want to hurt her feelings I don't want to be the one that starts shit#and I knoowwww I’m gaslighting myself bc she trained me to do this and I Cannot ignore the. two hour bathtub sob#but god what if I *am* the problem what if I *am* instigating and actually we had a good day#what if I’m expecting too much from her and this is better so maybe this is as good as it gets#do I bear it? do I bear it because she can't?#I know it's not fair and I know i'm hurting but maybe that's better than her hurting#do I just carry it for both of us?#I’m not a kid anymore I don't have that excuse#maybe this is womanhood. carrying it so your mother doesn't have to#she's carrying it for my grandmother. maybe this is just it.#I don't know. I don't know what to do.#I’m so fucking tired and it hurts#whatever.#vent#sad kids with bad moms club
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