#god i am so ready for next year
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Idk what is up with 2023 but can you pls stop killing off my comedy dads??? Like wtf???
#max rambles a lot#pls first matthew perry and now andre braugher 😭😭😭#i'm so sad he was so young and seemed like the lovliest guy i????#it's been a pretty shit year and this is just the shit cherry on top of the shitty cupcake#god i am so ready for next year#really over 2023 at this point#there have been a few fleeting moments that have been beautiful but the majority of it??? absolute shit#no more celebrity deaths now i've decided#that's it 2023 has had it's lot
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2024 Tumblr Top 10
There’s still like a week and a half left of the year but i’ve been deep in my feelings so now seems like a good time for this reminder to myself. It WAS a good year. There was joy even in the sadness at the end. And it WILL be good again. It might be different but different doesn’t mean bad. There will be reasons to make gifs. There will be reasons to hunt down blurry photos to !!! over. There will be fics and primers and essays in the tags and good and bad discourse but most importantly, there will be joy.
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Created by TumblrTop10
#tumblrtop10#i've been having a moment and i'm still having it tbh but i'll figure it out#I saw karri do this and was like being hit over the head with a shovel#I learned to gif this year (actually probably 6-7 months ago) which was not on my bingo card tbh and that was fun as hell#I don't know what's next (did valteri trademark that phrase? do i owe him royalties?) but i'll (we'll) figure it out#actually hilarious that the carlos gifs are 1 tbh#But also that 10 puts me in my feels even deeper#HE WAS SO HAPPY HE WAS READY TO KEEP RACING FOR YEARS#(thank god the singapore friday practice gifs are not on this#🙏🏼 i am not a strong enough soldier for that
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lord tests me everyday (i am a ferrari fan)
#baby..... what happened......#at least we got carlos podium but like you could've pit that easily cost like 5 seconds#not ready to pit my ass#f1#formula 1#formula one#ANOTHER THING#i knew charlos divorce was imminent but good god didn't expect it like this but honestly#good#i am living to see leclerc snap#it's the right thing to do because all this man gets for being nice and a good teammate is getting fucked over#he deserves a team that has good strategy where he won't be number 2#of course with lewis coming next year we'll only have to see#but charles could so be the wdc if the team fucking cooperated and listened#leclerc 2025 i am praying for you
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I have finally finished O Segredo Na Floresta.
I have cried more than I thought possible.
And I fear I shall never be the same.
#i have discovered that however bad quarentena was - cellbit has tons more angst material ready to unleash when least expected#it was so so so good but my god - i have never felt more empty#you ever see a piece of media and think yeh this is gonna change the way i view certain things forever - yep.#but now i enter the ordem episodes that arent captioned and only have the youtube autotranslate - the final boss for my portuguese knowledge#cellbit#ordem paranormal#this post is sort of my proof to myself when i actually finished the bastard - this season was three billion years long i swear#and still so long to go#cellbit will continue to stab my emotions for many more hours to come!!!#it is very late at night and i am very sad. TIME TO START THE NEXT ONE :D#o segredo na floresta#enigma do medo#bro i need to yell at someone about the last like hour of the damn thing because i have many things to say. or maybe just cry some more#at least my portuguese is much better now lmao. I'll get to a point where i can just listen to an episode with no subtitles if it kills me!!#hopefully cellbit will be back on the qsmp soon to rip my heart out with a cute lil cubito delivering heart wrenching angst for some variety#qsmp#ok sleep time lmao
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Checked my old med records re: transition dates bc today's Pl/Pa appt is probably going to be a fucking doozy where I anticipate being quizzed on my transition thus far and future goals for it
And double checked the year to find out A. my memory is shit and I was off a year but also B:
Next year will be my 5 year anniversary on T!!
#text post#getting ready ahead of time for the appt rn and am just a bit stoned to make sure the anxiety doesn't annihilate me lmao#I'm so glad Housemate is coming with to help me out as needed during the appt#like. if they drop me as a patient after this at least I'll have a witness to how they've been acting/the results of it#bc I've never once been believed at the start abt issues I have w/medical providers#only after it's gotten worse#and I'll have someone to help me navigate both hitting the grocery store after the appt w/out breaking down & also in plans#to call the new office and explain what happened (if it does tho i'm hoping they'll just wait it out w/me until Oct for my new clinic appt)#and hope they can help keep me on T and my lamotrigine until my first visit w/them (tho I'm already on their waitlist too)#I still have so much admiration for PlPa but my god. this has been a fucking nightmare in the end for me#and has heightened parts of my dysphoria and made me more anxious and frustrated at being misgendered#which still happens unfortunately often but like. no one is gonna apologise so I just roll with it#and I really didn't need that on top of adjusting to a move across the country#but it's whatever bc i'll get thru this appt see the new doc eventually and things will be more stable w/my care#and in the meantime I can think abt anniversary celebration ideas for next year
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how deal with taidan
#^ crying over saki for the second night in a row#i am Not Okay about the fact her taidan is exactly a year after her pb footage aired on sky stage#bc that was the very last thing where i was like ok yeah maybe saki IS my second fave of all time#feels weird to call her my second fave#shes like basically on par w aasa 😭 idk how else to word itjfhd#idk not the point i am just emotional and sad and will miss her dearly#but also wishing her luck in whatever she decides to do next whether that be in the public eye or not#also just feel so sad about how busy ive been recently 😭😭#was planning on going back and watching all her shinkos and leads that i havent watched yet before the 13th but uni hit me like a truck#and i have not have time 😔#have not had *#sorry if you are reading this 🙏 it is not coherent 🙏🙏 fjdhdjd#idk i was torn up enough over kiwa and this is about to be 4000x worse sofhdhdjd#did watch every sakigumi show in order a while ago w my gf and that was nice at least#idk man im excited for aasas run im sure itll be great im just so not ready to say bye to sakigumi#god if youd have told me when i first got into zuka i would be this torn up over saki leaving i would not have believed you#but here we are#at no point was i expecting to get This Attached to saki but it just kind of happened#aasas fault whatever#fjhdjdhd#sorry none of fhis is coherent i do not know how to organise or articulate my thoughts#idk i love s4kiaasa so much#getting to watch them together both on and off stage for the last two and a half years ish since i got into zuka has meant so much to me#i hope they both continue to thrive and i look forward to seeing what they do next
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#Sometimes I think about how once years ago#A lady at bible study said she didn't want Jesus to come back because she wasn't ready and there was too much in this life she loved#And the older I get the more I see that attitude around#But how can you NOT be so excited for Christ's return?#Yes it's unknown but heaven and the next life is GOING TO BE BETTER#How can you look at this life and want to cling to it?#And I see people say that you can't be a Christian and commit suicide#But sometimes I feel like it makes so much sense to be Christian and suicidal#Because how can you look at the brokenness of this world#And then the promises of the next life#And NOT want to move on to the next life?#These are connect in my mind#Probably something worrying#I dunno man I just... sometimes I wonder why God has left me here#And I feel like maybe there should be more enjoyment in this world?#But we're not promised that so maybe I'm just weak and prone to grumbling#Who knows#Wren rambles#Vent post#And I would never say I am suicidal myself#I just can fully understand why a Christian would be#And people who say someone can't be a Christian if they commit suicide make me so angry
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SCREAMING INTO MY HAND HITTING THE TABLE CRYING STIMMING REELING C R I N K L I N G MICROWAVING COMBUSTING DEMATERIALIZING
#ooooh my god 😭😭#im so ready to see my blorbo be a dick and simultaneously get into a fight with laszlo#ive been thinking of harvard trio ALL THE FUCKING TIME since i read the book and watched the series#and im so READY to see my blorbo also almost go insane over some girl#cause if you know you know and then we both know and i already know so i know that i know that im going to go crazy over it#when this book comes out you're not seeing me for the next five weeks#but in case im too vague#theodore roosevelt#you dont understand how excited i am#in my opinion there was not enough of him no i am not biased what do you mean#like... HIM#you know???#the clip in the TNT youtube video of him with two of the kids (reasonably assuming it was alice and archie) made me almost scream#and the WALL of pictures???? oh my GOD#i know so much about this man's harvard years and around the same time period so im hoping it's at least mentioned ONCE#if i dont get it then god fucking damn it ill write it myself#the alienist#i finally add that tag lmao#sara howard#laszlo kriezler#ooooooh im not ready for this
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If it sucks... hit da bricks!! real winners quit. Amen.
#quitting my job finally 🙏 gave them 3wks notice and every day since I've been like holy God this is the right move#im not even comfortable saying how unhappy i was there#but august 4th is my last day and i am so relieved#dont even care what happens next im just ready to take a breather#what a hellish year this has been
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#guess who fucking fried 3 very fucking expensive machines today. me. i did#bc a fucking cabled decided to burn out and there was only one little symptom so i switched out the sensor head and inadvertently fried#another instrument. then when i was wait. hang on wtf happened here? and i was trouble shooting. i fried another one. so im down to one#machine. fucking holy christ. one mother fucking cable. a problem i cant fucking control and then i just fucking spred the problem#god dammit. which means i either have to do 20 additional days or we cut the number of reps to 7 or 8#and because of this. ive Disrupted the plans of 4 different labs bc it takes at least 3 months for them to do calibration#ugh. i was so angry. whatever. its fine. these things happen in labs and u kinda just have to deal with it. i dont really feel bad on a#personal level bc ive been working with these things for like 4 years and if i mishandled the problem something was pretty fucked up#bc ive fixed a lot of fucking problems on those machines. bleh. and as im like simmering with rage my family is texting eachother like#yayyy vacation soon ☺️#ugh. its just so frustrating bc i onlu had like 7 days left and i could have got thru all 10 reps. its gonna b maddening on one machine#ans ill have to do more when i fucking get back from vacation when i want it fucking done now but whatever ive bought#my fucking plane tickets and i leave in less than 2 weeks. plus ill get to spend at least one day at home#god im gonna be such a fucking bummer tho. im gonna get of the plane and my fam will b like how r u? and im gonna b like not fucking great#i am barely a functional person and im sure ill b so stressed abt thr fact i have to come back here that ill b on edge the whole time bc#thsts what happened over winter break. whatever. next weekend ill b fucking outta here for like 11 days#and just a few more months until i can leave for good. never walk into thst fucking building again. not that i have anything ready for thst#move. bc again. im barely a functional person#god. now i have to fucking ask for thr stupid bottom of the chamber for this last machine. i swear to christ if i have to fucking drive#down to [redacted] i fucking dont even kno#unrelated
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I went to a funeral today and one of the people that spoke said “it shows how much you will miss someone based on how much you love them” and I know yoongi isn’t dying but I thought of him and it made me cry.
#I am going to miss him a whole hell of a lot 😔#god I’m so not ready for this#I thought I was and I just am so so not#he is everything to me#I’m not looking forward to these next few years 😔#come back safely and healthy bub ��#yoongi
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ok looking at artfight is literally giving me a headache i think i should be done for today
#went thru and updated. all of my characters#separated them by story/universe#updated a few of the descriptions (i HATE writing those though so. only some of them)#and drew new things for a handful of them#but . god damn i am so tired but i still have soooo much to do#gagaughhhhg#i always do this every year im like oog ive got plany off time and then its 3 days before the event and im SCRAMBLING#sigh#I JUST WANT THEM TO OPEN EARLY TEAM REGISTRATION ALREADY. GUH#sorry guys im gonna be sooooo annnooying about my ocs for the next month. get ready#ill go back to drawing trigun when artfight is over#danny devito voice hold on im shifting into oc mode#god. i also updated my global permissions and added links to all my pinterest boards and character tags on my sideblog...#AND playlists for those that have them... fuck dude#i think this year im gonna focus on like. jus doing headshots.#bc i get into this slump of like. the mindset that Everything i make for artfight has to be perfect and#make it a huge massive piece with a background and shading and everything#but that takes sooooo much energy out of me. im gonna focus on doing a lot of little things.#i wanna draw somthing for every character i have bookmarked i think. as long as theyre on the other team#i also think i wanna try drawign more anthro/furry characters. for practice. i like drawing animals its fun#which is. fitting. for the werewolf year lmao#so. hey. if u or a friend are on team werewolf this year and want me 2 draw one of ur little guys.#no guarantee bc my energy gets soooo spotty and i want to save it for the ones i rlly wanna do#but like. im always open 2 suggestions. especially for artfight#send me ur little guys if i think theyre cool i gotchu.#man. ive been looking at my computer all day i think i am going 2 go read my book. catkiss goodnight i love you#(<< i will still be on tumblr probably. but that felt fitting.)#blahblahblah
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I'M ALIVE
ik I'm also like 3 days late but happy pride month<33
#couldn't use tumblr in so long cuz school and life shit happened#but i lived bitch#wow that's a tag#now to get ready for this week's achievement exam#and next week's quarterly exam#last of the school year ever#god I am old
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I have this ten page paper due in like a week on greek art or something like that and this is both really nice and really awful because on one hand one of my current wips (not fandom related) is heavily inspired by greek things, and on the other hand I dont feel like writing a ten page paper.
#the wip is hecles in case you were wondering#i dont think i talk about it much on here#but the thing about me is I am VERY good at getting things done like the absolute last minute#i wrote a different ten page paper like two years ago about the polarization of gender in like 3 hours and got the highest grade in my clas#*class#and so because i can do this i can not force myself to do things until I desperately need to#but the thing about this specific time is that i need to read 90 fucking pages of my textbook#and if you pay attention to the shit i post you know i cant read#nvm its 50#i think i can do it#hypomania for the win#ask not what you can do for your mental illness but what your mental illness can do for you#one of the tell tale signs that im going into a hypomanic episode is my sleep schedule#like one day ill sleep for a normal amount of time#becuase i try to prioritize my sleep schedule during the seasonal depression months because if not shit hits the fan#but then the next day ill be up until 3 am doing god knows what#and ill wake up at 6 am and be ready for the day and be fine#that was today#also my head is buzzing#also ive been a lot more social than normal#my hypomania presents itself really simular to adhd#so ill either get this assignment done in 3 hours#or not at all#because im eitherb#either extremely focused or extremely distracted#like adhd on crack#one of these days im going to regret posting all this on here#but its not today!#max thinks shes relevant
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Sometimes I really need to keep my mouth shut
#was at my friend’s house for tea#her mum mentioned she has a doctor’s appointment next week which kind of unfortunately coincides with my friend’s daughter#getting out of school. and my friend has to work that day#they were both scrambling around and arguing like ‘well can’t you cancel the appointment’ ‘can’t YOU cancel the shift’ etc#(kid can’t walk home by herself. she’s 4 and honestly an agent of chaos)#so i was like ‘uhhhh third idea? maybe i could take her to the park and we could just be there until her grandma gets out of the appointment#so now i am. doing this. apparently#the school and the park are really close by each other and the kid looooves the park and also seems to love and trust me#for god’s sake i put her to bed tonight because her mum was getting ready for work#it’s just being out in public. as the only responsible adult in charge of a child. that is not mine. and she can run around#and has a mind of her own. PROBABLY nothing will happen but my brain has already started to foresee scenarios#where she decides to run into traffic or something. and i’m like ellen WHY did you volunteer for this. this type of shit is EXACTLY#why you made the decision to not have kids. it’s the responsibility for another human life#i think what i need to do is put in a failsafe. ‘if you hold my hand the entire way to the park you can have a lollipop’ (of course for this#i have to bring a lollipop). then if she gets bored of the park before her grandma shows up i will pull up youtube on my phone#i mean the ultimate failsafe is 999 but hopefully it won’t come to that because the last time i called 999 they put me on fucking hold#(my mum was having a horrendous asthma attack. i didn’t just call them recreationally)#i know there’s someone thinking ‘why not just drive her somewhere’ i don’t have a car OR her carseat babes#i also can’t ride a bike. it’s really fun being an utterly useless childless adult. i really enjoy being good for nothing#here’s hoping her grandma’s appointment takes like 10 seconds and she then motors to the school and renders me redundant#i guess i could bring someone with me but i SHOULD be able to handle this on my own. for god’s sake she’s 4 years old#personal
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YOU'RE AN ANGEL I'M A DOG OR YOU'RE A DOG AND I'M YOUR MAN YOU BELIVE ME LIKE A GOD I DESTROY YOU LIKE I AM
#Rant ahead I'm already sorry but yk. I'm actually not.#My mental health has been so bad in the last months and right now it feels like I will just never leave the stage of being a mentally ill#Loser. I know I've made so much progress over the years but right now everything hurts again and I feel more alone than ever. Maybe that's#Also why I made this blog but I'm not ready for that thought yet. I built such an amazing social circle with genuinely the most amazing#people ever around me and now I feel like I've destroyed everything again by just not answering them and completely isolating myself for#Fucking months and I can't tell if it's because my friends actually hate me now (which tbf I understand#I love them nonetheless.)#Or if it's just my bad mental state that's making me belive that#That and everything else that just seems to be going wrong is just so so much for me right now. I don't know how long I can do this anymore#But I also don't know any way out of this#I always end up like this and it's so annoying. How am I supposed to ever be a functional adult when talking to people is too much for me?#How am I ever supposed to believe someone can love me when I'm just the way I am#God I hate myself so much.#A few days a week I see one of my friends on the bus when we have to go to work and we chat until it's my stop. Its never more than 5#Minutes and it's always about school or work and because of that I feel more alone than ever. How am I ever supposed to built meaningful#Friendships If I know after next winter our conversations will just revolve around meaningless shit again. We used to joke about#Building a utopia through political action and we used to sit in a kitchen until 3 am and talk and talk and talk but it all felt so#Meaningful cause we were together and that made everything better. And now I talk to one of them if so happen to catch the bus at the same#Time and we talk about school. It fucking sucks#And it's all my fault
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