#god am i the evil one?? am i supposed to forgive myself for this or never let it go???? | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

saras-devotionals · 8 months ago

Text

Quiet Time 3/26

What am I feeling today?

I’m in a bit of pain that’s been lasting for about four to five days now and I had hoped I’d have gone away by now but hasn’t. I’m also saddened by the bridge collapsing in Baltimore earlier today, could you imagine how terrifying that must’ve been? To be driving across a bridge, it’s breaking and collapsing, and then you and your car are plunged in the river below in the middle of the night, surrounded by darkness? It breaks my heart, that must be truly traumatizing and I pray that they recover everyone and that they’re all okay. On the bright side, I get to travel back to my home city again and I’m bringing one of my friends and niece and can’t wait to show them Pittsburgh! It’s always nice going back home🥹

Luke 11 NIV

(v. 2-4) “He said to them, “When you pray, say: “ ‘Father, hallowed be your name, your kingdom come. Give us each day our daily bread. Forgive us our sins, for we also forgive everyone who sins against us. And lead us not into temptation. ’ ””

Here’s Jesus giving us the example of how we’re supposed to pray. I don’t believe we are meant to say this word for word every time, more so to use it as a template. Praising God first and thanking Him for what He’s gone for us. Petitioning and making our requests before Him. And finally, forgiveness for our sins because even as disciples, we sin daily, none of us can say that we’re without sin.

(v. 9-13) “So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened. “Which of you fathers, if your son asks for a fish, will give him a snake instead? Or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion? If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!”

I know that I ask God for a lot. Every day I present requests to Him but I know that I don’t actually deserve anything. Not to put my worry down or anything but God already gave us His son when she didn’t need to. That’s already a gift that we’re unworthy of but He gave Jesus because He loves us. And He’ll give us other things we pray for (as long as it honors Him) because He loves us. Also, in the verse beforehand, at the end of the parable Jesus is giving, he says that it’s given because of the man’s “shameless audacity” and honestly it made me laugh because it’s so true! Who are we that we feel we are in any position to ask God for whatever we want when we’re not even really worthy of life (but are now bc of Jesus).

(v. 24-26) ““When an impure spirit comes out of a person, it goes through arid places seeking rest and does not find it. Then it says, ‘I will return to the house I left.’ When it arrives, it finds the house swept clean and put in order. Then it goes and takes seven other spirits more wicked than itself, and they go in and live there. And the final condition of that person is worse than the first.””

I think this is kinda terrifying, but also annoying. Terrifying in that even when the impure spirits leave us as we come into our lives with Christ, then be back and even stronger, with more wicked spirits. I say it’s annoying because they’re coming back, like come on! really? y’all can’t just leave us alone in peace but gotta keep attacking us? but, with the word of God and with Jesus and the Holy Spirit in our lives, we can resist these attacks and stand firm in our faith.

(v. 28) “He replied, “Blessed rather are those who hear the word of God and obey it.””

This! It is not enough to just listen to the word of God. We can listen to the Bible for every second of our life, but if we don’t do what it says, then it’s all been in vain. I think this myself sometimes, every day I sin and I’m aware that I don’t obey everything as I should. I can catch myself, and note where I need to improve, and make a daily effort, but I also know I’ll always fall short.

(v. 34-36) “Your eye is the lamp of your body. When your eyes are healthy, your whole body also is full of light. But when they are unhealthy, your body also is full of darkness. See to it, then, that the light within you is not darkness. Therefore, if your whole body is full of light, and no part of it dark, it will be just as full of light as when a lamp shines its light on you.””

I had a bit of a hard time understanding this so I went to some commentary for clarity:

Here Jesus addressed himself to correcting his hearers’ inability (through their sins) to appreciate truth, and to read God’s sign, when they should finally see it. It was not at all the nature of the sign that needed correction but the quality of perception in his sinful audience, the evil generation which confronted him.

8 notes · View notes

veliseraptor · 2 years ago

Note

🔥10🔥

worst part of fanon: my god, anon. I'm looking at this like (a) you want me to pick one? I have a fucking list and (b) this feels like I am a wolf looking at a suspicious looking pile of leaves and going 'hmmm that seems like a bad idea to step there.'

and yet I'm going to do it anyway. I posted the meme! no one but myself to blame here.

but I am going to go ahead and do a list, because, you know, why not. it's 10:43 pm and I'm feeling reckless.

Nie Huaisang as champion of the common people and really just a good guy if you're not Jin Guangyao. Honestly pretty much any cultivator other than (a) Jin Guangyao, at least somewhat, or (b) Song Lan and Xiao Xingchen as champion of the common people. This is not a novel about people who care about ordinary people. It's just not. In fact it's sort of a plot point that it isn't.

This isn't, like, the worst, but it is starting to bug me: Pete is turned on/aroused by the torture of other people. It's actually important to me that Pete is largely indifferent to violence against other people. He doesn't enjoy it, it's just a part of life, almost inevitable. The "vegaspete who murder together stay together" thing just doesn't work for me.

Maglor and Maedhros, the nice Feanorians who were really not on board with all the killing that all their bad and evil brothers were doing. I'm exaggerating, but not that much.

I'm not inherently opposed to it in all cases, but I feel like the predominance of femdom Wen Qing is something where I'm a little like...other people have dissected the whole thing where in f/m ships sometimes it seems like it has to be pegging to be valid (not naysaying pegging! I've written it myself and whatever floats your kink), but here in particular I feel like it pigeonholes Wen Qing into this role where she's the mean but cool (sometimes lesbian but mostly if she's a background character) friend who TAKES CHARGE during sex because she's STRONG and...idk. Give Wen Qing a day off. a bath and a massage and someone to pamper her just a little. I think that would be nice for her.

Relatedly, though this feels less like fanon and more like just a common fandom kink, I'll throw in mean dom Xiao Xingchen. Don't get me wrong, I like it when Xiao Xingchen is a little bitchy and I certainly think he should get to be angry, an always perfectly forgiving Xiao Xingchen who will never be upset at people is a bugbear of mine too. But I just cannot see Xiao Xingchen being mean. I'm not saying I can't see him as a dom. I can, I've written it, or at least shades of it. But mean? Nope. I feel like he would cry if he attempted it.

that's...probably enough to be going on with, I think. and with that I'm going to bed, we'll see if I'm chewing off my own foot to get out of a leghold trap in the morning I suppose

#conversating #anonymous #lise's aggressively bitchy opinions about irrelevant and unimportant matters #lise memes #i mean what mostly it boils down to is 'when i feel like people are simplifying a character into a more boring version of themselves'#not entirely but that is the common thread for most of them

43 notes · View notes

doing-something-unholy · 2 years ago

Text

Father's Dream

Father Adrian has had some... interesting dreams here lately. But what could possibly be causing them?

CW // dubcon, cnc, monsterfucking, body horror, unreality?

I am alone in the nave, tidying up after evening mass. The altar servers were already sent home, my vestments put away, and straightening up the last few misplaced hymnal books meant that I could leave too. But, not yet.

The atmosphere in the church at dusk is so calm and quiet, I take a few moments to breathe it in. The last rays of sunset set the stained glass windows alight, color beaming across the faint trails of incense smoke still drifting through the air. This church is my sanctuary, my second home, my passion project. One would hardly recognise it from the near-ruin it used to be in, and I couldn’t be more proud of the way this parish came together to restore it. I’ve spent so long in this building, so much of myself is poured into it: blood, sweat, and tears into everything here. It’s as close as I’ll ever come to Heaven on Earth, and I am grateful for the respite from the noise in my head within these walls. My soft footsteps are the only thing that breaks the silence as I walk back to the altar.

I place a reverent hand on the very edge, leaning down to place a soft, barely-there kiss to the cold stone before kneeling on the steps in front of it. I fold my hands together, resting on the edge of the altar, my head bowed between my arms. It's not the most comfortable spot or position to pray, but it feels apt. Maybe the strain in my muscles and the ache in my knees will keep any other thoughts out of my head.

Which I can avoid no longer. Now that the church is empty, and I’m unlikely to be disturbed, I want to talk with Him.

“Our Father, Who art in heaven, hallowed be Thy name; Thy kingdom come; Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread; and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us; and lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.

Amen.”

My voice is barely a whisper, but it echoes off every wall and the effect is chilling: a whole choir of voices surrounding me, and I can only hope it's the voices of Saints and Angels, and not… well…

“Please, Oh Lord, lead me not into temptation. You know the strength of my spirit and I trust You not to test me to destruction, but… Please, I- I can't sleep. Deliver me from these… nightmares. Protect me from the demon that hides in my dreams, Lord. I submit to Your Glory and accept that I need Your divine intervention.”

My own whispers twist and echo back at me, like an audience discussing my ‘performance.’

I wish they were nightmares.

I wish I couldn’t say that for a brief moment, every morning I wake after one of those beau- Damned dreams that it is the most relaxed I’ve ever been. I wish I didn’t have to wake up loose-limbed and at-peace and smiling only to have it crash down around me as I remember who I’m supposed to be.

I wish I could say that I hated those dreams.

But even now, hazy images flicker through my mind, and I can feel the heat rising in my cheeks. And certainly nothing else rising. The guilt at thinking these things in a church, in my church, is almost too much. I’ve been staying up later and later to avoid sleeping, but someone is going to notice the growing bags under my eyes eventually. But mostly it’s the toll the stress has been taking on me. I’ve always been an anxious person, but I didn’t used to jump when parishioners knocked on my door.

The shame is killing me, the eyes of God and His angels stare into me like red-hot brands, seeing the stain upon my soul. Hopefully He also sees how desperate I am for this to end, and I will be spared.

I stay in place for a long moment, willing the ache in my body to clear my head. It’s not as straining as I thought to sit like this, so I can stand to stay here as long as it takes to replace the thoughts in my head with the soreness of my knees. The church is so still and quiet, my eyes fall shut in silent prayer, breathing deeply and slowly. I don’t know how long I stay there, surrendered to the Lord.

I can hardly bear looking up toward the crucifix hanging on the back wall of the sanctuary. It's no sooner that I make eye contact with Christ that the hair on the back of my neck stands up.

I don't know how I know, but something in the air has shifted. I can't seem to move. Someone- no, something is behind me.

There's a faint whisper in my ear.

"Father…"

I turn suddenly, plastering myself against the altar, heart racing. There's no one there.

Obviously, I am being ridiculous, there can’t possibly be anyone there. There's no reason my heart should be leaping into my throat. Just an overactive imagination, I am jumping at nothing, again.

I'm glad I decided to opt for a clerical suit today instead of the cassock, I'd have made a fool of myself tripping over the skirts. I pick myself up off the step, embarrassed and ready to spend another sleepless night in my office, but I hardly get upright again when I can see movement towards the front door of the church.

The votive candles flicker, the flames guttering. They shouldn't be, there's no wind in here. My stomach drops when they go out entirely, the dim red glow from the windows and the few candles left on the altar behind me are the only lights in the church now.

For a long, tense moment, nothing happens and I think I might be able to just leave when there's a soft purring growl from behind me.

Every muscle in my body tenses.

I can't move, even when I can hear something huge shift its weight and the breath leaves my lungs when a large clawed hand lands softly on the back of my neck. The claws gently scrape my scalp as it drags its hand up through my hair. I shiver at the feeling of it, goosebumps breaking out on my arms.

The hand abruptly grabs a fistful of my hair and pulls my head back, making me gasp and look up to see an inhuman face peering down at me.

A wicked grin reveals sharp teeth in it's short muzzle, two pairs of bright mischievous eyes staring down at me from under elegantly arched horns. The same gilded eyes that have haunted my wet dreams nightmares for weeks now. It must see the horrified recognition on my face, because it laughs, a rumbling chuckle that I'm mortified to realize makes my pulse pick up for the wrong reasons.

“We finally meet face to face, Father, and you look so scared? You never seemed so off-put before.” It’s voice is a seductive purr, and it goes through me like fire.

“L-let go of me. I c-command you to let go of me,” My voice comes out so much weaker than I hoped, “In- In nomine Pat– mmpph!”

A hand slaps down against my mouth, cutting me off.

“Oh, don’t be like that, priest. Let me have my fun first.” There’s a grin in its voice as it watches me struggle to pull its hand away and wiggle out of its grasp. The grip in my hair slowly tightens until it hurts, making me cry out beneath the hand on my mouth. It’s only when I go limp, stop fighting that they- it, loosens up.

“What a quick learner. Good boy.” It leans down and whispers the last two words into my ear, and the effect is immediate and devastating. I can feel the pull of arousal in my gut, and goosebumps down my arms. It just laughs above me, this close to it I can feel its chest rumble.

“There we go, just like in your delicious dreams.” The hand comes away from my mouth, but before I can say anything it wraps around my throat instead. My breath catches as it puts just the slightest pressure on my neck, the claws little pin-pricks against the skin.

“Are you going to be a good boy for me, Father? This doesn't have to be so difficult, sweetheart…” Its voice vibrates against my ear and I can’t suppress a shiver.

“No… p-please…” I feel pathetic for begging a demon to spare me, but there’s nothing else I can do. I don’t want this, I can’t want this, I can’t convince myself I don’t want this let alone convince them.

It still has one hand in my hair and the other wrapped around my neck, and I yelp in surprise when I feel two more land on my waist and glide up and around to my chest. I can feel the thing smile against the side of my face, amused by my every reaction.

The hands pull until my back hits the altar, my head bracketed by the monster’s knees, and it’s only then I realize it has the audacity to sit, kneeling, on the altar. I’m so stunned and instantly angry I forget what vulnerable position my throat is in.

“How dare you desecrate my church, the very altar, you foul monster–”

The grip on me tightens in an instant, claws pressing into but not breaking the skin of my neck and my hair nearly being ripped out. I can’t stop a pained whine from pouring out of me, I can’t even move my hands to try to pull away, the other two arms holding them down by my sides.

There's a low, menacing growl behind me, and their voice is rough and dark when they speak, a dangerous edge to it.

“I strongly recommend you shut your mouth, Father. I don’t think you’re in any position to be casting stones about desecrating a church.” They finally loosen their grip on my hair just enough that my scalp isn’t screaming in pain, but I still can’t move my head. The grip on my arms shifts, they catch both of my wrists behind my back and their newly freed hand presses softly against my stomach and slowly drifts downward. I nearly sob when their hand closes around my clothed erection, palming me through the cassock.

“What were you saying about desecration, Father? Dirty little priest, are you hard for this ‘foul monster’?” They move their hand slowly along my trapped length, the friction is maddening even though layers of fabric. I can’t speak, just taking shuddering breaths and praying this is over soon.

“You were never this shy in your other dreams, Father. Nothing to say to me now? Do you want me to keep hurting you, you masochist?”

“No! Please, no. Stop touching me…”

“I’d probably be more convinced by that pathetic attempt at getting me to stop if your cock didn’t throb under my hand when I said that. I can read your desires like an open book, Father. Give in to me and I’ll fulfill every single naughty thing you’ve ever thought about late at night with your hand under those robes.”

It’s getting hard to think about anything other than how good their hand feels. I have to focus to keep from rutting my hips forward into their agonizingly slow rubbing. I must have taken too long to answer, because the next thing I know I’m being lifted into the air and pulled back onto their lap. My body is arranged how they want me, my legs spread wide outside of their thighs and my hands trapped between my back and their chest.

"N- no, I can't- I won't! Let go of me!"

I can feel the laugh rumbling out of their chest, their hands holding me close to their body- oh God, they're almost twice my size.

"Oh don't worry Father, I know you can't. You're not allowed to, are you? But that doesn't mean you don't want it."

Their lower hands drift downward, broad palms flat against my thighs. They squeeze my thighs at the same time a hand on my chest finds my nipple and starts rubbing it through my clothes. I bite my lip to keep from making any noise, but the demon won't have that. There's a soft rumbling growl next to my ear and they start palming me through the cassock again, slow but firm.

"I'll take care of you, better than God ever will. Just give in and submit."

It's torture, I can't stop the shudder that rips through me and the gasp from my mouth. My thighs are tight with the effort of not rolling my hips into the touch. The incense smoke is heavy in the air, the heady scent making my head spin. It's getting harder and harder to stifle my reactions, to not give this monster the satisfaction of watching me crumble at their every touch.

The other hand slips behind me, groping my ass before lifting my cassock and suddenly I can feel short soft fur against the back of my bare thighs.

Wait- what happened to my clothes, this isn't what I was wearing-

Their hands move over me, adjusting my positioning, and I can feel- oh God, no-

They laugh when they feel my weak struggling against their grip, all it does is grind my ass against their cock, making the both of us moan.

"I'll give you what you need, Father, what you've wanted for so long. I won't hurt you anymore than you want to be hurt."

Their cock rests against my entrance and with a shocked groan I can feel myself open for them, suddenly dripping wet like a cunt. Then it's pressing inside me and my mouth falls open at the feeling of being stretched. The demon presses in so slowly I can feel every inch of their thick cock spearing me open. They moan in delight, a purr rumbling up from their chest when they're pressed fully inside me. I can't do anything but hang limp in their grasp, panting heavily.

I can’t move or think, consumed by the feeling of the massive cock stretching me out. Mercifully they haven't moved yet, just gently arranging me to sit comfortably in their lap and caressing my thigh and chest. I can feel their smug purring through my back, their nose nuzzling through my hair and along the back of my neck. A forked tongue laves over the back of my neck, I break out in goosebumps as they slowly move down one side of my neck, licking and kissing. I pull my head away, refusing to allow the display of affection from this… thing. I can feel it’s disapproval, it’s lip curling in a silent snarl next to my face.

“Oh Father, would you rather I not kiss you? I thought you would appreciate a little romance, but you really do just want me to treat you like a cheap whore, don’t you?” Their voice has a dangerous edge to it, are they genuinely upset by my rejection?

“We’ll just get on with it then,” they purr into my ear as their hands move my body where they want it.

A hand on my lower back and another on my throat push and pull in tandem to force me to bend in an arch, the movement rocking my hips over the cock inside me and sending sparks up my spine. The demon uses its new leverage to pull almost all the way out, and it pushes back in just as slow as the first time, letting me feel how much my body has to stretch around. I can’t let it hear me, I refuse to humiliate myself further, so I press my lips together to keep my mouth shut. Each slow thrust makes me shake and my breath comes heavy through my nose, but I can’t make any noise-

The demon pulls me back onto its cock with a hand on my hip and the change in angle makes the next thrust drag across something inside me that makes me see stars. I forget entirely where I am and what I’m doing, my mouth flies open with a shameless moan. Instantly my face is on fire, but I don’t have time to think about my shame because the demon’s thrusts speed up and start targeting that exact spot. Each one lights me up, driving all other thoughts out. I’m distantly aware of the pitiful little noises I keep making, but I can’t do anything other than hang on for the ride. It’s nothing like I’ve ever felt before, being stretched out and fucked mercilessly and each thrust hitting something incredible inside me… it’s almost too much to handle.

“There we go, that’s what you needed, isn’t it, Father?” The monster’s head rests on my shoulder, speaking into my ear. I can’t answer anymore, I feel like I'm coming apart at the seams, the intense sensation and incense smoke have me so dizzy. Is the room really spinning? It shouldn’t be, I know it can’t actually be. There shouldn’t be this much smoke in the air, mass ended ages ago… The whole sanctuary looks unfamiliar, the altar and nave warped together into one massive alcove with velvet curtains and gilded candelabras and enormous stained glass windows that bathe the both of us in blood-red light. The architecture in the room pulses like a heartbeat- in time with my heartbeat, like the ornate vaulted ceiling and pillars and carvings can’t decide what they're supposed to look like. Or maybe it’s me, my vision swimming as I lose focus on reality itself.

Looking up isn’t any better, the monster behind me seems to have changed too. Shadowed shapes flutter above us, I almost think they’re wings until it clicks into place- hands. Dozens and dozens of shadowy arms pour out of their back in the shape of wings. A tarnished, cracked ring hovers above the back of their head, spikes emanating from it at regular intervals as it spins lazily. I can’t look at any of it for too long, my eyes refuse to focus and slide off like water off a duck, leaving motion-trail after-images in my mind.

I close my eyes to avoid the worst of it, whining and laying my head back on the soft fur behind me. One of my hands finds a horn above me and I hang on just to have something to anchor myself to.

My hips move on their own now, meeting each thrust from the demon. A coil tightens in my stomach, something building to a knife’s edge inside me. It doesn’t even occur to me to stop, solely focused on chasing that pleasure. Then that rumbling laugh comes again in my ear, and I remember where I am all at once with a keening whine. I still can’t stop myself from rocking backwards onto the thick cock, but now there’s a white-hot streak of shame burning in me, and I’m horrified to realize that it makes the arousal and lust burn hotter, too.

“You’re so close, aren’t you, Father? Ready to cum for me?” The demon taunts. Their voice sharpens suddenly, their hand tightening around my throat, “Don’t you fucking dare. Not until you admit how much you love this, how good it makes you feel. Give in and say ‘yes’ to me, Father.”

I'm too breathless to speak, just a keening whine escaping me.

"No, please… I can't…"

I can't think, I can hardly breathe, too dizzy and overwhelmed to focus on fighting back or arguing. And the demon knows it, their voice a seductive purr in my ear.

"Don't be so difficult. You want this, Father."

"N-no, no…"

A hand creeps around to palm my cock through the cassock, I jerk in their grasp and sob at the pleasure of it.

"There, is that better? Say yes, sweetheart."

I can't- I can't move my mouth around the words anymore, oh God-

"Father…"

Please, I can't- I won't- I shouldn't…

"Father?"

Another pitiful whine, I can feel my resolve slipping.

"Father, are you alright?"

Oh God… y-

"Father!"

There's a hand on my shoulder, shaking me awake. My heart lurches in my chest, I jerk awake so suddenly I nearly jump off the floor.

I'm laying on the step in front of the altar, heart hammering and a concerned altar server hovering over me. Sunrise weakly peeks through the windows. The nave is as it was, no warped architecture or demonic influence.

"Father? Are you okay?"

"...No, I'm sorry, I… must have fallen asleep here last night. I haven't been sleeping well."

Every movement aches, my entire body is stiff and sore, and no wonder if I spent all night on the steps. I pull myself upright, wincing in horror at the warm, wet feeling across the front of my pants, thankful they're dark enough to hide the stain.

The altar server just stares at me, I can’t bear to meet their eyes and see the pity there.

They insist on canceling Mass to 'let me rest,' concerned I may be sick. I'm going to let them believe that, too exhausted and ashamed to argue. I find myself back in the rectory in a daze, re-dressed in casual clothes and dreading the heaviness I can feel pulling at my eyelids.

I put myself to bed in a haze, rosary wrapped around my wrist and clutching my bible to my chest like a shield. I intended to read it, but I no longer have the energy for it, already drifting off despite my best efforts not to.

I pray I can rest, I pray the Lord will shelter me, that I may sleep in His peace.

Amen…

#hierophilia #priest kink #terato #nsft #father speaks #i had an original text posts tag but fuck if i remember it #its 2 am bec i got distracted playing sims and now my brain is fried goodnight lmao #art

45 notes · View notes

nicosraf · 1 year ago

Note

hi i have a bit of a personal ask, feel free to ignore. i developed a theology hyperfixation this year. it started with just being into the imagery and then specifically angels and then i read your book which made me start reading the bible (as well as start learning about other religions). im personally not religious, i was even raised christian but it never stuck to me, as soon as i was away from my christian school it felt right and free. i never doubted how i felt. but now that im engaging with all these religious texts and keep hearing how if i dont believe in this god or that god then im going to suffer for eternity it... has made me feel very anxious haha. i dont believe these gods exist but ive been having "what if what if what if what if" stuck in my brain and its making going about my usual life difficult. (i have ocd which doesnt help). anyway... you seem knowledgable and full of wisdom im just wondering if you happen to have advice for my situation. maybe the answer is just to stop indulging this interest but i do genuinely find it interesting lol. thanks so much for your time!

Hello! I think it's difficult to answer this without getting personal myself but I want to answer because I really get it! I go through some phases of obsessive-compulsive (+ I can really struggle with reality sometimes), and religion is a huge one for me. When I got into theology, I think I was partly motivated by the idea that if i delved deep enough, I would find something that would make me stop feeling bound by what the Bible says. As in, I would find something that would make me go, "Ah! It's all fake!" or "Ah! This god is so evil that I'm better off burning in hell!"

Well, I did do my deep dive, and it didn't really turn out that way. The canon Bible is interestingly nuanced and so is theology. So here is what helped me not feel terrified of the "What if" :

Frame theology in a way that brings you comfort, instead of just taking its warnings at face value. Interpret liberally. If it is real, then you will be okay. The Bible is pretty wishy washy about the suffering of non-believers and god is supposed to be forgiving/understanding. Maybe he'll get it. Maybe he likes you. If it's not real, then you'll be fine; you were for a long time, after all. If it is real, you'll be fine too.

On the point above �� if hell scares you, then read about hell. Most theologians can't agree on it at all! When I read the theory that hell might be empty, it brought me comfort.

Read on other religions. I can't emphasize this one enough!!! Expand your horizons. Read about every religion in the world, especially smaller and indigenous ones. Read about how Abrahamic religions have split off and what motivated the splits. I think remembering the human role in what eventually gets to the final doctrines really helps. The Christian elite would want you to get the most fear-mongering version of the text; they don't want to lose you!

You can definitely take a break. My therapist recommended me to stop indulging, but that's easier said than done. And it might be the healthiest option, but I wanted to provide this advice in case you think it might help... I'm not full of wisdom!!! I make nothing but mistakes and I am still learning... but I hope I can reassure you that you're not alone! We struggle together

#mine #ask #theology

13 notes · View notes

quarktrinity · 1 year ago

Text

quark watches star trek season 1 episode 29

oh cool this is the last episode of season 1

uhura girlsplains private transmitters to kirk

weirdly colorful star map

why do they call other ships "he" i thought ships were girls

hey wasnt warp factor 8 super dangerous are we just cool with that now

kirk determined to save other ship flying into the sun i love this dude

some cryptic shit

k that dudes dead. bye

omg jims brother is on this planet :0

i just called kirk jim. i didnt even think about it. oh god.

uhura girlsplains private transmitters to kirk... 2!

kirk wants to see his family :(

this planet looks like the mopop in seattle. if u get it u get it

kirk looks nauseous with emotional vulnerability

insane violent dudes

omg they actually stunned them for once

something fucked ups going on here

kirk please you cant keep plunging crying womens faces into your tits eventually one of thems not gonna be cool with it

kirks brother is dead???

hahahahah he looks exactly like him

yeah hes dead

his nephews ok though

spock uses comfort! its not very effective. can they make out now

alright kirk you can do this. dont seduce your sister in law. i believe in you

her names aurelan im not sure thats a real name

aurelan dont make those noises

what are you talking about

this actress is determined to sound overwhelmingly horny when shes supposed to sound upset

some weird brain shit going on

"they"

evil brain creatures doing evil brain things to build ships?

horniest scream ive ever heard

uh rip aurelan i guess. congrats kirk you got through an episode with a hot girl without making out with her

kirk status: Repressing Sadness

are the aliens bees. they sound like bees

oh GOD

theyre like flying manta rays oh jesus. ok thats fucked

they look silly as shit but also the direction lets them be terrifying

SPOCK GOT MANTA'D

oh shit i think its in his brain

this is gonna be gay isnt it

anyone who thinks mccoy isnt kinda gay for spock is stupidly wrong

eugh its all up in his bod

alright theyre a little like bees

fight it spock fight it

"locate and restrain mr spock" very normal of u to say kirk

kirk pins spock to the floor. ok

i got bingo

spock u good

"i will be able to return to duty" i dont believe you

spock says i can just turn off my pain

"i need you, spock" DO YOU NOW, KIRK?

spock youre so possessed rn

yes scotty threaten his life

spock has Determination

"i am in complete control of myself, doctor" NO YOURE NOOOOT

kirk no dont believe him i know youre in love but you gotta use your brain i know you have one

sigh. ok spock try ur best to resist the evil brain things i guess

they look like those things from half life

theres so many oh god

cmon spock u got this

grabs u with my pinchers

mission successful thank god. manta ray thing kidnapped.

spock says fuck my own needs i am Useful

its a giant brain cell? thats super cool ngl

a lot of these aliens have really cool concepts and still look silly as shit

more mcspock sexual tension

kirk says computers good this time

"your affection for spock" DUDE

to spread brainpox or commit genocide. that is the question. kirk says no

star trek doesnt know that light is radiation

kill the brain mantas with light. ok

sorry we might have to blind you to free you from brain disease

spocks blind now

"these creatures are sensitive to light which we cannot see" you have described radiation. you said you tried radiation and it didnt work. dont do this to me

sorry spock we didnt need to blind you. its ok though he forgives us anyway

ULTRAVIOLET? THEYRE WEAK TO ULTRAVIOLET???? DO THEY KNOW THAT ULTRAVIOLET LIGHT EASILY BLINDS YOU????? DO THEY KNOW HUMANS ARE ALSO WEAK TO ULTRAVIOLET LIGHT??????? DO THEY KNOW THAT THIS IS LITERALLY WHAT RADIATION IS OH MY GOD IM LOSING MY MIND

exposing the entire planet to a giant blast of ultraviolet light is extremely dangerous and im not sure they know that. theyre gonna be so sunburned so many of them are going to get skin cancer

ULTRAVIOLET LIGHT ISNT RED

ugh. ok i guess the brain things are dead anyway. whatever

mcspirk is so real and true

spocks not blind anymore. hes fine now. vulcan stuff

"my first sight was the face of dr mccoy bending over me" WHAT

"tis a pity brief blindness did not increase your appreciation for beauty, mr spock" WHAT????????

MCSPIRK IS SO REAL AND TRUE

#quark watches star trek #star trek #star trek tos

13 notes · View notes

mychlapci · 5 months ago

Note

for the character ask game i've got three for you!

standford pines

five pebbles

prowl (idw specifically)

i've been trying to get to this all morning but i had to go to the grocery storeeeee. anyways...

Ford... the character of all time...

How I feel about this character

Normal. Obviously. Very normal. But seriously, he was one of my favourite gravity falls characters, i feel like he's very much misunderstood by the fandom, either deeply villanized or has his reletable flaws whittled down to be more palatable. there is so much wrong with him to explore. alas, i am not smart enough to dig as deep

All the people I ship romantically with this character

no one. no one at all. In all seriousness, i was never that much of a fiddauthor fan, but i've read some good fanfics of them, so that counts i suppose

My non-romantic OTP for this character

the Stan twins duo, of course. Although I really enjoy to imagine the dynamic Ford and Mabel could've had

My unpopular opinion about this character

I think he was actually quite reletable and not to have a kin moment or anything, but I saw a lot of myself in his flaws, so I can't really imagine why someone wouldn't sympathize with him.

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon

canon old man birth Ford and Mabel bonding episode!!!!! PLEASE

Pebbles, my good friend Pebbles... i have not played much nor have I really done a deep dive into the lore yet, so forgive me if I don't have much to say

How I feel about this character

stinky rude little guy. i enjoy it very much. as i said, i'm not up to date on the lore, but i know he's kind of having a fucked up time and i love me a man in peril.

All the people I ship romantically with this character

not well-versed enough in the lore to ship him with anyone. i can't even imagine who. people have probably found a way. god i hope he's ship-elligible, because if there is a reason why he wouldn't be... then i have to go delete some drawings

My non-romantic OTP for this character

pebbi x the spear i throw at his head

My unpopular opinion about ths character

Not many. Though I've noticed in let's plays that many people straight up hate him with with a lot of vigour, I think they should give him a break

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon

I don't know. Perhaps more interaction? although i wouldn't want to actually travel through unfortunate development more times than once, tbh... I think the game utilizes him well. AND you can throw shit at him, so that's all i need to amuse myself

Proooowl!!! baby girl. i am gonna sound so stupid here. I am not good with. remembering what happened in the comics.

How I feel about this character

He's an asshole. And I love him.

All the people I ship romantically with this character

I mean... everyone knows what i'm all about, as long as that robot's holes are full, i'm game. I don't quite get jazzprowl in its entirety, but I find it fun and compelling enough so I suppose I'll go with that. And I've been a fan of prowlop lately, I think he an Optimus could have a really fucked up dynamic together. Constructiprowl is a favourite of mine. And I have a little guilty pleasure spot here just for Prowl/Fort Max

My non-romantic OTP for this character

Not quite sure, I think he would be extremely fun to pair with anyone just because he's such a dick and no one likes him. I honestly think that a chapter dedicated to him and Rodimus getting into shenanigans would be hilarious

My unpopular opinion about this character

Not sure if this is necessarily me going against the popular opinions, perhaps just me against the expectations i had when i heard everyone else talk about him, but... I don't think he's actually as evil and twisted as people make him out to be? he's an asshole, yes, but I don't think he's actually a heartless bastard incapable of not feeling guilty for his actions, as i've seen him portrayed sometimes. if anything, guilt eats away at him so much that he's doing everything he can to stay in control of it. if he keeps stubbornly assuring himself that he did what had to be done, he'll manage to stay sane. i don't know. re-reading that, it sounds stupid as hell but i don't have anything else to say so i can't delete that....

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon

all that said, i think some people should have punched him a little bit harder

#this is literally just me talking in defense of the assshole characters #if this doesn't post im killing... the hostages

3 notes · View notes

beastsovrevelation · 8 months ago

Text

Reasons why I motivate myself to work on my Good Omens fanfictions:

So I can take a certain hyper popular ship everyone loves, but I despise, and tear it apart, smash it with a hammer, and set it on fire for my own entertainment. 😊 It's not like someone will do it for me.

I would say because Lady!Crowley deserves more love, but horrific things happen to her, so, I'd be a hypocrite (spoiler alert, she's fine in the end).

Anathema and Newt's family keep a raccoon named Shovels, that they dye black, and pretend is a cat.

I have four ideas put down, so far. One's an actual detective story. Two of them are crossovers with... Legion, of all things (one came to me in a dream). All involve my Antichrist OC, who wasn't supposed to have anything to do with the GO universe, until I had that damn dream.

Another motivatior - so I can work with Maxine (the Antichrist OC) more. After a long consideration, I decided to pair her up with War (in non-crossovers, in those she's with Michael), which is problematic because they're cousins (War's mother is Satan's sister)... You know, whatever. Nobody from Earth knows. It isn't anything uncommon for royalty, either. 🤣 Besides, they're both women (offspring from donors, so no biological threats), and they didn't grow up together. I just... I adore my Antichrists. They're everything to me. Max, forgive me for getting you involved in this madness of an universe, the fanfiction gods compelled me.

Honestly, my other OCs, too. Max's best friend, Cthylla (daughter of Dagon, and... You can guess. He has a habit of oversleeping), her cat Squid, Madonna Maria (a literal jackal with vile temper and a fondness for whiskey, Maxine's biological mother;), Titan the Hellhound, Agnes Device-Pulsifer, Francisco Rossi (the Second Beast, who loathes Aziraphale even more than I do, for absollutely no reason)...

Off with Pollution, Pestilence is being reinstated to his rightful place.

I'm eager to work with canon characters like War, Michael (Legion and GO version), and Hastur - all of who, I adore

I am kind of a hater in this fandom. In the end, I've realized, fanfiction must be written for oneself, not the fandom. I will not apologize for doing what I want, with characters (and their genders) in a fic. Nor for heavily focusing on my OCs (even making them the main focus - it's something that I love doing).

The only thing I do feel some guilt for? I remember Neil Gaiman saying he likes stories where women saves themselves, which I completely agree with, yet Lady Crowley gets saved by others, most of the times... I guess, she's just in situations nobody could save themselves from. Now, her healing is another can of worms maybe that could be counted as her saving herself).

Oh... I hope no one who reads this took it as me attacking them, or mocking them, for liking what I don't. I kind of sounded like someone's evil grandma, threatening to throw their favorite toys in the trash can. 🤣 I'm just writing down my thoughts in an edgy manner. Think of this as a literal angsty, but hopeful diary page.

When I said I'm a "hater", I meant I personally have a very odd, unconventional relationship with Good Omens and it's characters. It's a... "I don't like how you're portraying biblical mythology, but I will always love you". I love Neil Gaiman. I don't know anyone im the fandom anymore, but I all the hearts to them, too. I'm just the designated class contrarian. My stories, like all fanfiction, are seperate universes from canon (and I mean no disrespect to it; the fanfiction wouldn't be here if canon wasn't).

Why do I keep hurting Crowley? I don't know, my relationship with the character is very complicated also. I find him annoying, but I named my stuffed snake after him. 🐍

Why did I write this down and post it? Because I've noticed I'm more likely to get something done after I get on a barrel, and anounce I will. These stories are so fun to write... Fine, that was kind of a lie. I'm picking at Ch. 1 of the dream storyline, and it makes me want to cry.

P.S. - I didn't see season 2, and I have no intention to (though my mom is badgering me to watch it; she's also scolding me for hurting Crowley).

#diary pages #story ideas #good omens #legion #good omens fanfiction #good omens fandom #maxine frost #female!crowley #lady crowley #war #archangel michael #hastur #i don't hate the ahip because it's popular i hate it becauss...I hate it. it being popular just causes the christmas music effect #self motivation #seriously no hate to anyone I'm just making myself entertainment in my own egdy way #it all started from a dream and I took that as a sign #but I'm hesistant to work on it because it's so heavy #it deals with dv implied sa and other topics that affect me very badly #but it's one of the stories where crowley saves herself in the end #aziraphale i don't portray in a good light because I don't like him (i couldn't tell you why)#gabriel though he is fucking DESPICABLE (he's the one who hurts Crowley btw)#archangel michael x the antichrist #crowley ends up with hastur most of the time... he never intends on falling for her but ends up at the wrong place at the wrong time #i'm giving satan a different faceclaim than benedic cu-... I'll refrain from attempting to spell it #in the crossovers adam doesn't exists in the non-crossovers he and maxine are biologically half-siblings #he doesn't partake in divine nonsense anymore because he's disowned by Satan but he and Maxine have a relationship - he makes an appearannce #max doesn't want the apocalypse either but goes about it differently - i guess playing the family mediator made her a perfct diplomat #maxine x michael #maxine x war #max is a rrising star politician and cthylla revoliutionized hell with demomic magic run technology

2 notes · View notes

littlegrrl7 · 2 years ago

Photo

Love mythology retellings? Check out this chapter one sneak peek about the original goddess of Sex and War--Inanna

Trapped in the underworld, Kurizan could be Inanna's only chance at freedom–if she's willing to pay his price.

(Intended for mature audiences. If you don’t like M/F sex with a side of sassy this isn’t for you. Preview chapter is clean.)

Queen of Heaven - Promises Kept

Chapter 1

I can’t believe I fell for this. Twice. My head thrums with a dull buzz as I stare through the solid metal bars of my cell. Somewhere down the long, cavernous hall, water drips. The unrelenting sound grates on my last frayed nerve. Rubbing my thumb along the bridge of my nose, I close my eyes. This is no way to treat a goddess of my standing.

Eons ago, I would have had enough divine power to walk myself out of here. Not anymore. The steady decline of mortals worshiping me has drained my abilities. Kicking some loose gravel across the cell, I sigh. I really hate the underworld. How I was stupid enough to be lured here again is beyond me. No, that’s not true. Deep down in my soul, I crave forgiveness—but it’s obvious my sister still clings to her fury.

I flex my wings until the bronze feathers brush either side of my cell. Seeking some warmth against the ever-present damp, I curl them around my naked body. The souls in this realm don’t feel anymore, I suppose. No need for creature comforts in this pit. A sharp pain shoots lightning across my eyes, and I squeeze them shut. I’m pretty sure the guard drugged me when I crossed through the main underworld gate. It’s the only explanation for why I woke up imprisoned and naked with an obnoxious headache.

I crumple the parchment in my fist. I’m surprised it’s still in my possession. A wedding invitation. My sister, Ereshkigal, queen of the underworld, is marrying again. I thought she’d forgiven me for her last husband’s death. It was an accident, and it happened centuries ago.

When my husband died, and Ereshkigal refused to let me cross the veil in the underworld to retrieve his soul, I figured we were even. She said souls beyond the veil were unretrievable, and to bring them back could leave a path open for unspeakably evil, mischievous things to enter the world above. Defeated, I moved on. Sure, I’ve had other partners since then. I am the goddess of sex and war, after all—I have needs. It’s no surprise that she’s finally remarrying, but I’d hoped her invitation was an olive branch.

I throw the wadded-up parchment through the thick metal bars, already feeling the drag of the underworld against my soul. Even a goddess like me can fade if stuck down here long enough. Ereshkigal is doing this to antagonize me—or entrap me. Here I am, stripped of my crown and other divine items of power. I’m trapped in this dank hole, like a weak mortal.

I jerk at the sound of footsteps against the hard stone. Metal clanks softly, and soon a familiar face appears at the door to my prison. It’s Neti, gatekeeper to the underworld. A rictus spreads across his lipless face. Ignoring the damp against my naked skin, I stand, sweeping my wings back in a regal gesture to fold neatly against my back. “You should return my belongings and free me before things go badly for you.” I throw what I hope is a haughty look at the god.

“There’s nothing you can do here, Inanna, Queen of Heaven. The light of the sun doesn’t touch this place, and without your raiment, you have no power.” Neti unlocks the door. “The wedding is about to begin, and your sister requires your presence.”

I bite the inside of my cheek. “Am I to attend naked?”

His lackluster eyes wander over my flesh. I’m not sure what infuriates me more—that he’s looking or that he’s uninterested. Holding back a growl, I glower. Neti was the one who took my amulet, crown, rings, breastplate, and scepter to allow me entrance to this farce. If I don’t get those things back, this could be my end.

Neti’s dark eyes roll in sunken sockets. “I suppose I can find you something. Come.”

I follow him up a twisting staircase to a musty storage room and stare at the back of his bony, hairless skull as he rummages through some boxes. He hands me a burlap sack, moth-eaten and a shade lighter than my dark-brown skin. The rough fabric abrades my nipples and chafes my neck as I pull it on. I tug the neckline, ripping a slit down the back to make room for my wings.

“Where are my clothes and my trunk? What I came with is certainly better than this.”

“I don’t know. She likely destroyed them.” Neti turns and drifts down the hall.

Anger burns hot through my veins. Why did I expect better treatment this time? As much as I long for a sense of family from my kin, my sister and I have never had a good relationship. The fact that I’m not in shackles doesn’t escape me. Neti is right—there isn’t a damn thing I can do in the underworld. A trickle of fear dances down my spine. My adopted brother made the amulet I wore when I entered this realm. It would have allowed me safe passage back to the land of the living. Now I’m unsure how I’m going to return.

A thin, undulating shadow glides along the wall to my right, making me skitter nervously to the side. When I turn, it’s gone. This is nothing like my realm. I already long for the warmth of the life-giving sun. Despair presses against my chilled skin, and I push it away. It would only rob me of my vitality.

“Here we are.” Neti pushes open a tall arched door gilded with archaic symbols.

I can’t help but glance across the grand hall at the wall where Ereshkigal staked my body the last time I visited. She left me to hang there for weeks, like a chunk of meat. That day, centuries ago, flashes back like it was yesterday. I trusted her. After my husband’s death, I was so damn confident that I could humbly come to my sister and request his return through the veil.

Brick-colored splatters still paint the dusky stone and floor below it, a grisly reminder that the queen of the underworld may desire a repeat performance. Phantom aches stab my wrists where the spikes pierced them so long ago. No, this time will be different. She invited me.

“This way.” Neti gestures to a large sphere-shaped cage resting on the dark-gray tile. A chain on a pulley connects the cage to the high ceiling.

My gaze skips over the multitude of curious eyes staring at me in this grand hall. Beings in outlandish clothing whisper behind painted fans. No matter how they try, the underworld still steals the color from them, making everything a faded shade of what was once brilliant. A rumbling murmur rolls against the arched ceilings. Refusing to be brought low by these circumstances, I raise my chin and step forward like the queen I am.

In the corner, eyes the color of the deepest red rose capture my attention. The contrast is so stark—a spark of life in this colorless world—that I stare. He’s easily the tallest man in the room, yet no one else seems to notice him. His skin is as gray as the dark walls but gleams like polished marble. Around his hips is a placket belt of heavy twisted gold studded with rubies. It holds up a long dark kaunakes—a skirted garment that wraps his solid, muscular form. More gold adorns his arms, and tendrils of smoke curl from his broad shoulders.

I frown upon seeing a red amulet gracing his bare chest—my amulet. He nods to me, almost a bow. The only deference anyone has shown me in the underworld.

“Inanna, I find it curious you chose today to visit.” The voice comes from everywhere and nowhere as the crowd parts in a rippling wave, and a black-veiled figure steps forth.

Ereshkigal. Queen of the underworld and my dear sister.

“I received your invitation. You’ll forgive me if I find your hospitality lacking.” I step forward, my wings flexing to arch around me. A spiraling shadow swirls past the corner of my eye, but when I look, there’s nothing but wide-eyed courtiers smirking with glee as this drama unfolds.

Cool eyes as dark as the blackest pools of the abyss gaze at me through the translucent veil. “I sent no invitation.” Her brow knots. “Nonetheless, I have a special seat of honor for you, dear sister.” She gestures toward the large spherical cage resting on the floor. With a start, I realize it’s a birdcage barely big enough for me to fully extend my wings.

“I am not getting into that.”

“You have no power here, little sister.” She twists the familial name into a curse. “You can walk in of your own free will, and no harm will befall you. Or if you prefer, I could always nail you to my wall again. Your rotting carcass made a powerful statement last time.”

I bend close to her. “Why are you like this? Can’t you let our past be past?”

“Why did you come?” she asks, turning me toward the cage. “I hate it when you meddle with affairs in my realm.”

I snort. “You invited me, and regretfully, here I am. Misplaced curiosity is to blame. Why take my divine regalia and throw me in a cell?”

“An abundance of caution. Your schemes killed my husband.”

I roll my eyes. She’ll never let that go. “He was an oaf. I did you a favor. Obviously, you’re over it, since you’re remarrying.”

Her gaze darts to the raised dais, where a man in wedding finery awaits her. My dead husband, Dumuzid. I cover a startled gasp. Dumuzid tilts his head at us curiously. I take in features I know so well, lips I’ve kissed a thousand times. His dark hair sweeps in many tiny braids down his muscular back. How can his soul possibly be here? She said last time that he couldn’t pass back through the veil.

My breath rasps in my lungs as my fury gallops out of control. “You’re marrying my husband?”

“Former husband. There’s a reason the vows are ‘till death do us part.’ You don’t own his soul, dear sister. Dumuzid doesn’t even remember you.”

The knife in my heart twists a little more. Realizing I’m gaping, I slam my jaw closed. This bitch. “I thought you said once he was beyond the veil, he was lost. All the souls down here, and you choose his—then invite me to witness it?”

“Again, I didn’t invite you. Anyway, as I’ve told you before, souls lose their memory past the veil.” She shrugs with a coy smile. “He seemed like such a nice man, and after spending time with him, I offered to make him my consort.”

“Why not find your late husband through the veil?”

She frowns. “I went in looking for him. He wasn’t there.”

I raise an eyebrow but say nothing. The veil is a mystery to me, and the souls beyond it should be out of reach, even for Ereshkigal. In the past, she made it very clear how dangerous it was for even a deity to cross the veil.

My sister maneuvers me into the metal cage as we speak. Having no desire to repeat getting nailed to a wall, I let her. “How did you move beyond the veil and come back?”

Ereshkigal scoffs. “I found a spell to split it open and stepped through.”

Appalled, I stare at her. “Are you sure nothing came back with you?”

“Dumuzid did—lacking his memory, of course.” She closes the door and locks it with an ominous thunk.

My gaze drifts over to my former husband, who now waits for his bride. He watches my sister in adoration, and my heart sinks. It’s like a stranger wears the body of someone I once loved.

“He’s a good man, Ereshkigal. Dumuzid and I had our issues toward the end of his life, but we were still friends. I hope you’re not just doing this to spite me.”

A dart of pain tugs at my chest. The sensation tickles my sternum and twists in my gut. It’s not that I still have feelings for my late husband. I just don’t want my sister to have someone who was mine. Sweet heavens, but that’s some misplaced jealousy. I grind my teeth.

Across the room, the stranger with the rose-colored eyes still watches me. He looks more solid, more alive, than any of the souls in the throne room. Curiosity gets the better of me as I return his stare. He can’t be a god. I know all of them. Maybe he’s the offspring of one—or a demon. His tongue flicks out along his lower lip, and for an instant, his eyes flash gold.

The ball-like cell lifts with a bone-jarring snap. I grip the bars, glaring down at my sister as she flutters her hand at me. “Enjoy the show.”

I spit at Ereshkigal. My aim is terrible, though, and it just makes her laugh. My gaze goes back to Dumuzid, but he’s smiling at his bride. Sucking in my lower lip, I hold back the venom I want to spew. He doesn’t remember us, and honestly, the last time I was here to beg for his soul, my efforts ended up as self-preservation after she tacked me to the wall to rot for my impudence. A friend resurrected my body to get me out of the underworld, and more concerned with myself, I quickly gave up the idea of rescuing Dumuzid.

I tilt my head as I watch them together. He seems well, at least. Maybe Ereshkigal really does love him. At least both of them won’t be alone anymore, and getting laid could improve my sister’s sour disposition. If I had to live in this dank hole for eternity, I’d be miserable too.

By the Seven Great Dragons, this is a mess. How am I going to get out? Rose Eyes has my amulet and my ticket out of the underworld. The living can’t just waltz out of here. It’s a one-way passage unless you have some magic token. I scan the audience below, looking for the mysterious man, but don’t see anyone remotely like him. His height should make him easy to spot.

The crowd settles into rows of seating, and the drone of the priestess reverberates from the arched ceiling columns. All manner of creatures are below me, with scales and tentacles, sharp horns and webbed wings. I sigh as I sit on the hard metal floor of my cell to endure the festivities, hoping she’ll let me go when it’s over.

“I’m happy to see you accepted my invitation, Inanna, Queen of Heaven,” a voice drenched in smoke and darkness rasps into my ear.

Quickly, I turn, but there’s no one in the cage with me. A spiral of dark mist spins around the bars. I squint at it, suspicion building. Below me, Ereshkigal and Dumuzid exchange vows.

I glance down at the couple with a disgruntled glare and grumble, “Dumuzid may no longer be mine, but if she hurts him…”

“You’ll do what? He’s still dead, you know. Only his soul survives. Without a body, Dumuzid can never leave this realm. He’s as stuck here as the rest of us.”

Startled, I look up to see Rose Eyes inside my prison, leaning against the bars. The long, smooth muscles of his abdomen flex as he pushes away from the hard metal and takes two steps closer. I rise, swallowing the apprehension that threatens to spill an undignified squawk from my mouth. Sweet heavens, he’s tall. I’m a statuesque woman, and he stands a head taller than me. I stare at my amulet. Framed by the magnificence of his bare chest, it hangs from a long, unfamiliar chain.

My wings pull tight to my back as a muscle in my jaw ticks. “Who are you?”

He eyes me for a long moment then drops something at my feet. It’s the gown I arrived in. I gnaw my lower lip as I scoop up the pile of dark-blue silk. With as much grace as I can muster, I drape the gown over the burlap sack currently annoying my skin then tug the offending garment off. Carelessly, I drop the burlap through the bars to the wedding party below.

“I’m Kurizan.” Darkness edges his smoky voice. It coils around me in this snug area, and the hum of the crowd below us fades.

I haven’t heard the name before—he’s not a demon down here or a god. “Do you have the rest of my belongings?” I stare pointedly at his chest.

Kurizan caresses the amulet. “I apologize for your treatment. That was never my intent. I don’t have all of your raiments of divinity. But I could retrieve them—for a price.”

“The amulet you wear is mine. It would be a kindness to return it.” I give him a speculative look. Is he aware of its power?

A seductive smile tugs the corner of his sensually shaped lips. “Let’s not get ahead of ourselves. A bargain has yet to be struck.”

A cheer goes up below us. The metal floor creaks as I take a step closer to Kurizan. His eyes aren’t just the color of rose petals—a golden vertical slit graces each iris, making me even more uncertain of what he is.

My gaze drifts admiringly over the breadth of his shoulders and back down his bare chest to where my amulet gleams in the low light. He certainly is a striking specimen. “What are you asking for?”

He twists one of my long dark braids around his finger. In his other hand, four golden rings tip agilely over his knuckles before disappearing into his palm. “I have your rings, Queen of Heaven. Let me touch your wings, and I’ll give them to you.”

Involuntarily, I back up. Gold bands sparkle as the rings flip over his knuckles again, bright against his dark-gray skin. Mesmerized, I watch until they return to his closed palm.

“Only my lovers have ever touched my wings.”

Kurizan’s tongue glides over his lips as he leans so close that his bare chest almost brushes my cheek. My heart speeds up—whether from fear or desire, I’m not certain.

His low chuckle caresses my ear. “Exactly.”

The full story will be part of the Celestial Awakenings Anthology on preorder now for 99 cents!

#inanna #anthology series #mythology retellings #Inanna fucks her way out of the underworld #wear ovenmitts when reading #clitature #spicy anthology #m/f romance #queen of heaven #poc romance

3 notes · View notes

dumbbitchfrommars · 5 days ago

Text

I listen to you. I listen to you go on and on and on about yourself. All I ask if you listen in return. I will be heard.

I will listen to my intuition this time. I will break the cycle of abuse and lies cba coercion and manipulation. I will put myself first and I will rebel against your domination. I will never let myself be hurt like this again.

I know I will be hurt. I embrace pain. But I will not endure this evil. It’s dark. It’s immoral, it’s honestly demonic. Hell exists on earth and I won’t succumb to its trap. You can try and try and try and you will fail. Keep trying. Show yourself to me. I see now. I see. I’m wounded but your failure has only made me stronger. Whatever is out there trying to drag me down, I hope you enjoy the feeling of your own deeds being returned to you tenfold. God will forgive your sins only once you have endured what you have done first.

I’m so angry. I just want the people who hurt to me feel what they have done. I want them to receive their karma but the reality is they already have. To do all these things… to flaunt and mock my pain. To fail to acknowledge me and my existence. To minimise me. It’s a sign of a person who feels small at their core. Who feels disconnected themself. Who feels powerless. It’s interesting. Even when I am in true pain, I am still pushed to empathise with the pain of others. Even when that pain is manifesting as an attack… on my self. Yet I must forgive and be the bigger person to the end.

No wonder I try to isolate myself from other people.

Your closest friend could be your worst enemy. I’ve seen it firsthand. Maybe it’s time I saw the truth without needing to learn it the hard way. And that��s growth. And that’s maturing. And that’s stepping into my true power.

For once, I will listen to my intuition unwaveringly. I want distance, okay, I will get my distance. I will demand it. And I won’t try convince myself out of it. I know what I need. As much as I want to believe the best in people. I SEE THEM. my heart sees them. My third eye sees their truth. My gut. That gut feeling is what leads me. If I don’t feel safe - I’m not safe. I will seek safety. I will provide safety for myself. Once I have sought out that safety, my intuition will guide me to where I am supposed to be.

There’s been too many occasions of this happening. I need to do what’s right for me.

Do I stop being her friend?

How do I proceed?

God, HELP ME. Give me guidance. Is this a friend I have to leave in 2024?

I think I already know the answer is yes…

And again I am at “square one”, no friends. No one. But me (and my sisters). I’m grateful I can trust my family and that my sisters are my best friends. But it might be time I take the lonely road once again.

0 notes

waynecowles · 4 months ago

Text

Adjust Your Antenna - Nathele Graham - [email protected]

“Quench not the Spirit.” 1 Thessalonians 5:19.

I’m going to date myself here. When I was a young child, my family didn’t have a television set. When we finally got one, we had to get an antenna. That antenna went on the roof and captured the signals to give us a picture. We only had three stations, but occasionally we could get a fourth station. Quite often, the picture was full of snow, and sometimes there was a problem with the vertical hold. There were buttons and dials on the TV set to adjust these problems, Sometimes, the problem was more serious than a button on the television set could fix. So, we had to adjust the antenna. The truth is, Christians need to adjust the antenna so we can receive a very clear signal from God. If you aren’t receiving a clear signal, then you need to adjust your antenna. The signal is clear, but the receiver is flawed.

In modern times, most people have at least one television set. Instead of an antenna on the roof, we pay for cable Those cable providers choose what you pay for. Sadly, even the children’s channels, promote things that aren’t Biblical. You might only watch the “good” channels, but you still pay for and support the channels that promote sin. The signal may be clear, but the signal is coming from an evil agenda. Is there a lesson to be learned? We need good reception from God in order to have a true Christian walk. Just like you pay for the sinful channels on cable TV, sin comes with a cost. I choose not to have television. It’s way too expensive and I don’t want to pay for channels that promote sin. I do have a television and a DVD player We buy DVD’s and are able to choose what we pay for. I’m becoming more and more convicted that I shouldn’t pay money for these. Even though the movie might have a good plot with no foul language, violence, or sinful lifestyles, I don’t like spending my money to support the personal lives of the actors and actresses who are ungodly in their lives.

In the first chapter of Romans, I read about what happens to a nation when the people fail to recognize God as the Creator and begin to worship the creation rather than the Creator. He turns them over to a reprobate mind. I believe Scripture and have no doubt that God created everything. I’m far from perfect, but I don’t take pleasure in sin. Am I still taking pleasure in the sin of others when I buy movies with stars who embrace sin? Paul tells us “Who knowing the judgment of God, that they which commit such things are worthy of death, not only do the same, but have pleasure in them that do them.” Romans 1:32. I need to be sure my antenna is adjusted properly.

Brothers and sisters, it’s important that we all adjust our vertical hold and start looking up. Instead of walking with one foot in the world, stop accepting Satan’s lies as truth. We need to tune out the snow that fuzzes our understanding, by studying Scripture and listening to the guidance of the Holy Spirit. It’s easy to watch a TV show or movie that’s supposed to depict Biblical events, but they all take an “artistic license” and tweak God’s word to make it more entertaining. When I met my husband, he wasn’t a Christian, but his favorite movie was the Ten Commandments. It’s a good movie, but doesn’t follow the Biblical account accurately.

I told Ron “If you like the movie, you really need to read the book”. Eventually, he did study Scripture and that taught him to adjust the vertical hold and tune out the snow that confused God’s truth. When the nation of Israel came back to a right fellowship with God, Solomon built the temple. He listened to God and received a directive that Christians need to heed today. “If my people, who are called by my name, shall humble themselves, and pray, and seek my face, and turn from their wicked ways: then will I hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin, and will heal their land.” 2 Chronicles 7:14. That was true for Israel, and it’s true for America and all nations. Too many Christians embrace sin, but expect God’s blessings. We need to tune our hearts to God...adjust our antenna…and turn from our wicked ways.

Many of God’s truths are being obscured with the “snow” caused by a mal-adjusted antenna. One of those truths that seems to get blurred, is God’s relationship with Israel. He is not done with Israel. Make no mistake, Christians have not replaced Israel. Many prophecies have been fulfilled regarding Israel, and more are on the verge of being fulfilled. The horrible events that happened in October 2023, have triggered prophetic events. The United Nations has turned against Israel, and blame them for retaliating against Hamas.

I’m ashamed to say that this is also true of America under the current president. The heinous attack Hamas did to Israel was inexcusable. Israel is not usurping the rights of the “Palestinians” but have returned to the land God gave to Abraham forever. Forever means exactly that…for ever and ever, Amen. There is a promise of blessing to those who bless Israel. “And I will bless them that bless thee, and curse him that curseth thee: and in thee shall all families of the earth be blessed.” Genesis 12:3.

As America turns more and more against God’s truths, we are being blessed less and less. Shame on us. I will never forget the sick feeling in my stomach when I saw then president Obama, bow to a Muslim leader. I was also sickened by his mockery of Jesus. As Americans prepare to vote, we must adjust our antennas to hear God and obey.

It's clear that America was blessed for many years, but recently that has changed. Christians are afraid to stand up for God’s truth as if we are ashamed of Him. “For I am not ashamed of the gospel of Christ, for it is the power of God unto salvation to every one that believeth; to the Jew first, and also to the Greek.” Romans 1:16.

Sadly, many people who claim to be Christian, and sit in pews on Sunday mornings, seem to be ashamed of Christ the rest of the week. We’ve elected politicians who oppose God’s ways, and oppose Israel. How can we expect anything other than curses? Abortion isn’t seen as murder, but deemed a “woman’s right” to choose. Maybe her choice should have been made before the baby was conceived. Men who rape should be punished instead of murdering the baby. We all need to be responsible for our choices. We need to study and understand Romans chapter 1.

Schools teach our children they come from pond scum then we expect them to understand morality. Gender is determined at the time of conception, and not a choice that comes later. Yet many teachers conspire to help children make poor choices, then help to get hormone drugs to attempt to alter what they are, and then help them find a quack who will help them mutilate themselves. If you find this offensive, you are called a hater.

Gay marriage isn’t marriage at all in God’s eyes, but is merely two men or two women who have no sense of right and wrong engaging in government sanctioned sin. Do you approve of all the sin? Let me repeat what Paul said about those who may not participate in homosexuality, but don’t oppose it. “Who knowing the judgment of God, that they which commit such things are worthy of death, not only do the same, but have pleasure in them that do them.” Romans 1:32. God clearly gives “rules” to live by, and when we reject those rules, we reject Him. If you say you’re a Christian, you need to honor God with your life choices. “For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.” Romans 6:23.

Jesus will forgive all sin, but sinners who seek forgiveness must adjust their antenna to hear God loud and clear and follow Him. Repentance and faith in Jesus are necessary for eternal life. “I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that ye present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable unto God, which is your reasonable service.” Romans 12:1. Tune your life to the Holy Spirit; He will never lead you into sin. If you feel led to do something opposed to God’s word as found in Scripture, then you’re listening to the voice of Satan.

Many pastors have failed by watering down sermons to appease the congregation and not endanger the tax exemption by preaching politically correct rather than Biblically correct sermons. I have to wonder what god they serve…. God almighty, or the god of the world. Brothers and sisters, it’s important that we stop walking with one foot in the world. We need to adjust our antenna in order to hear God speak, then obey His word. We can’t remove ourselves from the world, because that takes away our witness to the lost. I have never understood those who enter a convent or a monastery and take a vow of silence. How can they fulfill the Great Commission by isolating themselves and keeping silent? The final words from Jesus as He ascended to Heaven were to “Go ye therefore, and teach all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost: Teaching them to observe all things whatsoever I have commanded you: and, lo, I am with you alway, even unto the end of the world. Amen.” Matthew 28:19-20. You cannot obey this command while keeping silent.

How do we get our spiritual antenna adjusted? We stop embracing the world. Instead of basing your faith on television preachers, or Hollywood’s depiction of Scripture, study it for yourselves. The Holy Spirit is sealed within Christians and He will not lead you astray. Satan is the ruler of this world and will always make static when we try to study Scripture and serve God. He has twisted God’s words since he convinced Eve to eat the forbidden fruit. He put doubt in her mind about what God really said, then lied about why God didn’t want Adam and Eve to eat from the tree of knowledge of good and evil. “For God doth know that in the day ye eat thereof, then your eyes shall be opened, and ye shall be as gods, knowing good and evil.” Genesis 3:5.

Satan convinced her to believe his lie rather than God’s truth. Sin may look tempting, and Satan may sugar-coat it, but there is no lasting pleasure in sin. It can ruin your life and put a wall between you and God. That’s when most people stop reading Scripture and praying. Their faith becomes stale and life seems hopeless. That’s when you need to pick up your Bible and let God speak to you. When you get to this point, you need to adjust your antenna and dig deep into God’s word. The Holy Spirit will guide your study, but you need to hear His voice. “Now we have received not the spirit of the world, but the spirit which is of God, that we might know the things that are freely given to us of God. Which things also we speak, not in the words which man’s wisdom teacheth, but which the Holy Ghost teacheth: comparing spiritual things with spiritual. But the natural man receiveth not the things of the Spirit of God: for they are foolishness unto him: neither can he know them, because they are spiritually discerned.” 1 Corinthians 2:12-14.

In other words, be careful who you allow to teach you God’s truth. Not everybody who claims understanding is led by the Holy Spirit. Run all teachings through Scripture. Take a lesson from the people of Berea. “These were more noble than those in Thessalonica, in that they received the word with all readiness of mind, and searched the scriptures daily, whether those things were so.” Acts 17:11.

Remember, Scripture at that time was only found in the Old Testament. Don’t neglect to study both the Old and the New Testaments.

What is the antenna that makes Scripture clear? The Holy Spirit. He is the third person of the Holy Trinity and He will never lead you into sin. ��But as it is written, Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that love him. But God hath revealed them unto us by his Spirit; for the Spirit searcheth all things, yea the deep things of God.” 1 Corinthians 2:9-10. He is sealed within every Christian at the time of true faith. He will lead and teach us as we search Scripture daily.

Don’t quench the leading of the Holy Spirit, but adjust your spiritual antenna to hear Him clearly.

God bless you all,

Nathele Graham

[email protected]

Recommended prophecy sites:

www.raptureready.com

www.prophecyupdate.com

www.raptureforums.com

All original scripture is “theopneustos” God breathed.

If you would like to be on my mailing list to receive the commentaries just drop me an email and let me know.

0 notes

saras-devotionals · 10 months ago

Text

Quiet Time 2/10

What am I feeling today?

I don’t believe this is numbness anymore but peace. I feel that I’ve gotten a lot of my chest but it’s always good to continually be talking to God. I feel good though, I feel calm, I feel content. This is nice. I’m not sure how long it’ll last but it’s a nice change of pace. Although, there is the underlying stress of what I have coming up next week but I’m trying not to focus on that.

Psalms 63 NIV

(v. 6, 8) “On my bed I remember you; I think of you through the watches of the night… I cling to you; your right hand upholds me.”

‭I used to not like David, I used to see him as unforgivable. But as I’ve gone on this journey, I find that I relate most to the psalms. I relate a lot too David. He was human. He loved God, but he made mistakes and he struggled at times but always came back to Him. Anyways, most every night I think about God and talk to Him, I want to cling to Him because who else will bring me peace?

Psalms 141 NIV

(v. 3-4) “Set a guard over my mouth, Lord; keep watch over the door of my lips. Do not let my heart be drawn to what is evil so that I take part in wicked deeds along with those who are evildoers; do not let me eat their delicacies.”

‭‭Lately, I’ve struggled a bit with purity in my speech. I felt myself falling back into old habits and sayings and that’s not what God wants of me. So I ask the same as David, that the Lord set a guard over my mouth, that nothing unclean will leave my lips. That everything I say may be honoring to Him. I don’t want to be drawn back to my part because I’ve left it behind. It’s dead to me and I’d like for it to remain that way.

(v. 8-10) “But my eyes are fixed on you, Sovereign Lord; in you I take refuge—do not give me over to death. Keep me safe from the traps set by evildoers, from the snares they have laid for me. Let the wicked fall into their own nets, while I pass by in safety.”

‭‭I don’t want to fall into the same traps of the past and new ones that may arise. God I pray that you give me discernment and that you protect me. That I may be guided by your word and will and I will not stumble.

Isaiah 43:18 NIV

“Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past.”

‭‭I’m trying to keep this in mind still. Sometimes I’m tempted to reminisce on my past with a guy I like. I’ve tried not to think about him though, I don’t look back at photos or videos because what’s the point? That’s the past. We are no longer friends and looking back at what we will just hurt me and I don’t want any bitterness towards him. I want everything to be amicable and kind even if things didn’t work out the way I expected.

Also, last night, I dreamt about my ex boyfriend. I hadn’t thought about him in a while but dreaming with him there. I missed him. I missed having him in my life. I miss talking to him. I miss the connection we had. He was so sweet, kind, funny. It’s a bit hard letting go of the past, letting go of what once was. I always used to refer to him as right person, wrong time. But I know that’s not the case. He’s not who I’m meant to be with. My heart will always ache a little but that’s just evidence that I once loved. I’m in the present now though, and we are instructed not to dwell on the past.

PRAYER

Dear Heavenly Father,

Thank you for another day of life and for a peaceful one at that! I got to sleep in! I get to relax for a couple hours! This is so lovely and a great reward for what I went through this week.

I don’t really have much on my heart to say to you. I feel good. I feel peaceful. I have that feeling that I used to get in the old house right before covid hour and I was happy and content with all that my life was amounting to. It’s almost nostalgic and I thank you for it. I pray that I’m able to start feeling this way at least throughout the rest of today.

I pray that you can forgive me of the sins that I’ve committed lately. Of my impure language and thoughts. Of some of my anger and quick frustration. We’re supposed to react and respond kindly and I didn’t always live up to that.

God I pray for the church. I pray for all the Bible studies that we have going on. I pray that our campus ministry is very fruitful, especially after the club day! I pray for the Bible study that I will be in later today. That she accepts your word joyfully and commits to seeking you. I pray for the valentines event, that my brother and I can have some fun and great fellowship as well.

God I want to continue praying for my heart. It was bitter and numb earlier and I pray that you continue to soften it and allow me remain constant in your word and your love God.

I love you dearly and I pray this in Jesus name,

Amén.

0 notes

riverdamien · 1 year ago

Text

As We Are!#

December 10, 2023

Second Candle of Advent Wreath:

Peace and Preparation!

Second Sunday in Advent!

Just

As We Are!

(Isaiah 40:1-11; Psalm 55; 2 Peter:3:6-15)

Mark 1:1-8

1. The beginning of the gospel about Jesus Christ, the Son of God.

2. It is written in the prophet Isaiah: Look, I am going to send my messenger in front of you to prepare your way before you.

3. A voice of one that cries in the desert: Prepare a way for the Lord, make his paths straight.

4. John the Baptist was in the desert, proclaiming a baptism of repentance for the forgiveness of sins.

5. All Judaea and all the people of Jerusalem made their way to him, and as they were baptized by him in the river Jordan they confessed their sins.

6. John wore a garment of camel-skin, and he lived on locusts and wild honey.

7. In the course of his preaching he said, 'After me is coming someone who is more powerful than me, and I am not fit to kneel down and undo the strap of his sandals.

8. I have baptized you with water, but he will baptize you with the Holy Spirit.'

=======================

"My faith is held together by wonder—by every defiant commitment to presence and paying attention.

—Cole Arthur Riley, This Here Flesh

----------------------------------------------------

In a pivotal scene of the 2001 Movie: Bridget Jones Diary, Mark Darey (Colin Firth) stammers to Bridget (Rene Zellweger) awkwardly (as only white male interests can do), "I like you. Very much as you are." He doesn't want to be with her despite her supposed faults, he wants to be with her because of them.

Apparently, this is the height of straight romance in 2001and today, because Bridget's friends are incredulous when he tells her: "Just as you are?"Not thinner? Not cleverer? Not with slightly bigger breasts or a slightly smaller nose?"

Bridget (a modern spin on Jane Austin's Pride and Prejudice) reminds viewers that the unrealistic expectations put on women's romantic lives still hold sway.

But who among us hasn't felt unworthy of of being desired physically, for friendship, a job, our place in the societal norms where we live?

These feelings might awaken, where God's "beloved" await "his" arrival, they're told to " to strive" to be found by him at peace, "without spot or blemish" (2 Peter 2:14).

We can try to cover up with blanket promises that God wants us--just as we are. But ultimately it is that unworthiness which makes us worthy in God's eyes (a paradox).

I have spent my life struggling with my "unworthiness". Growing up because of a learning disability I was told, "you can never go to college", and I made myself worthy by obtaining four graduate degrees; my denomination said being gay was "an intrinsic evil" and out of my unworthiness I fought back and found a ministry that is open and affirming

I came to San Francisco feeling myself a horrible sinner, for lies, being a prostitute, stealing, during my coming out time. As my young friend Sean said one rainy, cold night: "You must have really done something wrong to hang with us!"

Never had anyone been so right, he hit the nail on the head. I was full of guilt. But I continued on my journey and found in my "unworthiness"

Jesus gives me his impossible love.

That love, through the journey of memoir theology, have showed me that everyone is loved by God even at their worst, each person is a child of God. Jesus tells us: "Don't judge, unless you want to be judged," for his judgment is ALWAYS LOVE! All we have to do is love our neighbor! Deo Gratias! Thanks be to God!

---------------------------------------

Fr. C. River Damien Sims, sfw, D.Min., D.S.T.

P.O. Box 642656

San Francisco, CA 94164

Snap Chat: "riodamien2"

pay pay can be found on www.temenos.org

415-305-2124

----------------------------------------------------

"From the desire of being esteemed. .of being known. .of being praised. . .of being approved, O Jesus deliver me.

From the fear of being humbled. .of being despised

being rebuked. .of being forgotten. .O Jesus deliver me.

That others may be esteemed more than I. .that others may become holier than I, provided that I may become as holy as I should, Jesus grant me the grace to deserve it."

0 notes

i-hope-youre-hopeful · 1 year ago

Text

I forgive me

I feel a terrific sense of shame for all manner of things, almost none of it new. But today it is harder to hold onto quietly. I lied so much today. I’m going to lie more before the day is up. I lied and I manipulated and I hid myself and it’s still only going to keep me at the bare minimum. I’m still turning in my Spanish essay a day late. Just like everything. I’m still sending my resume late. I’m afraid they won’t want to hire me. I’m even more afraid they will. I don’t know if I can handle it if they do. I’m not normal. I can’t do what everyone else can do. I can’t go to school and work at the same time. I’m only going to school and I’m lying and cheating and I’m still barely scraping by. What will happen when it really matters? What would everyone say if they saw what I’m like? I’m hiding different parts of me no matter where I go. I hide some things from school, others from church, others from even my loved ones. I think some things I’m hiding even from me. You know them though. And I’m sorry.

My heart aches a little every time I remember that I am carrying sim around and doing absolutely nothing to stop it. Just carrying it around like luggage. Always have been. It used to be alone in my room that I felt shame, then it was alone online, then it was in the back seat of my car and now it’s everywhere. I do what I should not do and I cannot stop. I’ve never been able to. But now it’s real. Today it’s real. If they found out they would not want me to lead them. They would not want me to teach their children, to feed their sheep. And perhaps they shouldn’t. Perhaps this does defile me. Perhaps I am blackened with sin that I refuse to clean off. But you know my shame. You know my heart. Why did you have to make me so human? I don’t think you’re mad at me. I think you’re disappointed. And I think I’ve put up a wall between us that makes me less special. Not that being special is so great. I just feel like I’ve lost a bit of myself and I regret it as though I can’t just repent. I hate myself as though I haven’t been carrying this for most of my life. I don’t know the truth. I don’t know how much is society’s shame and how much is your true intention. I don’t know what parts of me I should find acceptable and what parts are evil. I don’t even know what I’m saying. I just hate the thought of anyone looking behind the curtain and seeing what I’ve hidden back stage. I’ll do anything to protect my image and my fragile sense of identity. I have constant cognitive dissonance and it will not go away until I make it right. But I can’t make it right just yet. Even when it’s socially accepted more I will still feel shame. I will still struggle to keep myself together. I will still know what I’ve done.

I tell myself that it’s not that bad, that everyone has something they’re carrying. And for many people it’s just like me. “But you’re supposed to be different” I say. “You’re supposed to be better. People are trusting you to be above reproach and you’re letting them down. God can use you but you’re making it harder. You’re getting in the way of His purpose.” I can’t fuck it up bad enough that he can’t fix it. You know my heart and you know I ache to be right with you and I pray you’ve forgiven me. I’m so sorry. I thank you.

I feel scared but excited about where my life is. I am standing now on the precipice of the rest of my life. I am on the edge of the hill and I will soon jump. Thank you for the terror and the thrill of it all. How blessed it is to be in this place. A person only stands here a few times in their life, maybe only once or twice. Please don’t let me mess it up. Please let me jump carefully and land where I’m supposed to. Thank you for your everlasting arms.

God has forgiven me. And I shall forgive myself. I am perfectly usable. God is stronger than my weakness. Thank you.

I’m sorry for everything.

I forgive you.

0 notes

herbluegoat · 1 year ago

Text

I feel lost and scared.

I shouldn’t play with identities. Because you could lost in the way. It’s like letting the bad taking me. But I am the light and I am the light.

I am never that weak needed to be defined by a price, by a festival or by anyone.

Touch myself, this is me and my body. Imperfect, perfect. Every scar, every curl, every bit of hair lost, everything that I hate about me, is also me. That I need to love and learn to forgive.

She can be some many things. Yes but she’s small and beautiful. Oh my god, that’s me. My baby soul.

I see and touched her. She was born into this world by confused parents. They wasn’t sure why they want to be parents and finally now they have something fully in their control. It’s the baby me. I feel the scare for me. Because, oh my god, I was small, small and helpless. It’s a world of unloveness. No one loved me.

Why did my baby soul chose to born into this situation? Omg, now I can remember. My soul, as a child. In this fucking earth, and in this fucking life. I can now remember my soul when I was young, young before conciseness of this life can take me. Before anything, I remember my soul clearly. And I felt regret and confused into this life. I felt I made a mistake born into this situation for myself. I was way to over confident but actually my soul was too weak for the test for a while.

For a long while, I am growing in that physical body, let it grow out. Grow into a being that’s capable. Capable to fight for myself.

Fuck. I felt for that baby, that both my parents at times wanted to abandoned.

My body still remembers it. Being abandoned. My body remembers the hunger of not being feed, my body remembers not be embraced with love but only touched with lust.

That’s why my baby soul recognizes, something so foreign and so out of my body.

Why do I remember, that angle of that ceiling of that house? Why do I remember that so vividly? In my fragnartment memory, who touched me that way that left me with the sickness in my mind? Who touched me that way so violently. My little hole, now I know as something I hate, my pussy and my vagina. Even the word makes me want to puke.

I feel I remember something I shouldn’t. Something happened in that home. I still remember the layout there so vividly.

The mans in that family is all so fucking evil. They are the bad things. They are part of the hell.

I can’t remember and I can remember. I was the whore, all the women in the family say.

I was born to make them to make the mistakes. I was the hell and temptation of lust and desires for the men in that family.

In my little baby, baby, baby girl.

Baby girl, yes, yes, yes, I hear you and touched you.

I remember you looking at that tv screen, seeing all the important communists people having that meeting. They are the man of this country, the centre of universe, the ultimate power that I want. I remember looking into the screen, recognizing the first consciousness I’ve gain this life.

I want that power. Power is what I want.

The baby me, realized, without love, even surrounded by the evilness of the monsters. I can recognize that power.

That’s what I have been chasing all my life. That power, and realizing I will be someone there.

Wow, baby girl. You did well. You did well.

You never lost the hope completely and always had that light. Even at times there were so small but they were there within in huge world of void and dark.

Oh my god, I did well. Did well for that little baby girl.

Art is my tool and my power. I was born with this power to make, the art of the world. The power of my writing.

Writing and writing, because of this power I have called out for all angels. That’s how they recognize me again, in this lifetime. To be with me, to finish our missions.

Oh my god, I forgot my mission born into the world and now I remember. I was that angel, I am that angel. I was that angel supposed to make love born into this world. It’s the love. I was that god of love. My tool is with storytelling and writing I’ve been perfecting, now I am ready to call out for all my angels. With this, I called out them, and they see me without remember. Remember that they were also angels of love.

We are the little guardians of the universe. That’s why I was born this time to learn for my soul. My soul was from so old, so infinite there. Oh my god, I feel the soul. Every pore of me. Taste so sweet. So juicy and tenderly of my skin. Full of flavours, god it’s so yummy. When you recognize your soul, then the body, the skin is the gift. I can taste them with my mouth. Because I am the gift of the world. That’s why the bad and evil want to taste, taste of me, taking pieces of me to feed them. Feed their life because they have none. That’s why I realize I had to protect. Protect myself from being eaten. I am my own guardian angel I know.

Please remember. Remember this, this is your guiding star. I can completely feel them.

No, no, no, I am not scared anymore, I am not lost anymore. I found it in me, in me all along.

0 notes