#god I’m glad to be done with this one
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Imagine spending all your energy being cool and mysterious 24/7.
What an idiot have I mentioned I love him?
Idea came from a cool post @nouverx made about Alastor’s possible sleeping habits. 💕
#grey art#hazbin hotel#hazbin hotel fanart#hazbin hotel comic#Oh I am DONE coloring stuff for a while! it’s so boring!#I mean it looks great but I haaaaaate spending time on it!#get used to grayscale stuff for a while#also coloring multiple characters is stupid! no no no.#angel dust#husker#sir pentious#alastor#charlie morningstar#hazbin husker#hazbin alastor#god I’m glad to be done with this one
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how quickly things change…
#god I’m glad I’m done with this one#the anatomy? horrendous#I just kinda plowed through the art block and made this#hopefully I do better next time lol#now then#tag time#art#digital art#trafficblr#mcyt#life series#traffic smp fanart#my art#secret life#secret life fanart#slsmp fanart#slsmp#lizzie ldshadowlady#pearlescentmoon#pearlecentmoon fanart
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Curtwen Week Day 1: Pre Canon/London <3 :)
#I love them so fucking much of my fucking god#this is one of my favorites that I’ve done so far#ngl I kinda ate yall#anyways look at them#they’re everything to me#Curtwen week save me#save me Curtwen week#look I don’t do backgrounds often#but I decided to do one for this#and I’m glad I did#they’re just on a little bit of a stroll#I love it when they’re wholesome#I don’t have a lot of wholesome stuff planned this week#just fyi#be warned#fun fact: a shrimp’s heart is in it’s head#curtwen week#Curtwen week 2024#Curtwen#spies are forever#tin can bros#tin can brothers#tcb spies are forever#spies are forever fanart#agent curt mega#owen carvour#curt mega#joey richter#my art#:)
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The blue eye samurai fandom, for some reason
#I am once again asking if the kids are alright bc it doesn’t really seem like they are#friendly reminder that mizu kills people ny guys including unarmed randos and one unlucky teenager pissing his pants in a corner#but sure Taigen is irredeemable. lay off my emotional support blorbo.#blue eye samurai#taigen#and hey I love Akemi a buttload but she has at least nine lives or something no way would getting robbed in the woods#running off to a brothel and getting re kidnapped go half as well for anyone else#no one ever took advantage of her it’s incredible I’m glad and all but my god those were stupid risks to take#I’m so looking forward to her political intrigue character arc but let’s not act like she hasn’t done some dumbass shit#and Mizu’s a fucking mercenary. does she kill for money? no but she killed for information and she’ll kill anyone in her way to get what she#wants. taigen as far as we know has only killed peoples in duels and fights. he’s not out ganking randos.#the point of this show is that this is not your average cartoon and none of these characters are average black or white types#everyone’s grey and it’s all delicious#enjoy it.
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The diffriders are so fucking fascinating to me specifically flare trooper dumjid bc like. You take a dragon mercenary who has seen war and has actively watched many comrades die. His whole thing is that he’s a perfect guard and thus the only one who survived, leading to a fucked up conception of himself as above death. And then you have him possess the body of some kid who presumably agrees to let him see earth bc That’s His Favorite Card And He Thinks He’s Cool and who’s probably like 12 (sorry saori I have no clue how old you are I’m just guessing based off taiyou + hiroki) and just. Walk around on earth (where are saori’s parents btw. Like you could say this about most vanguard characters but where are saori’s parents/guardians/friends do they know what “saori” is up to?? Does anyone who knew him pre-diffride realize how different he’s been acting?). Play a card game where he commands his dead comrades bc shiranui is paying him (which. How is he paying him, earth currency or cray currency? And what IS cray currency for that matter?). The only thing he likes about earth is the music but he is specifically cursed to keep having his headphones break. When a unit who’s diffriding a human dies in the human’s body, both the unit and the human die on both planets, and besides the money dumjid is only on shiranui’s team bc antero/miguel DIED, a fact which he’s fully aware of and iirc derides him for (may be wrong abt that one though). He constantly tells people to die when he’s cardfighting them. He is laid-back about vanguard and doesn’t care much until he loses a cardfight and because loss and death are inextricably linked in his mind he proceeds to get Super Fucked Up About It bc he’s built his entire self image off being The One Who Survives and losing the cardfight is akin to confirming that it’s possible for him to die & he especially can’t accept that Some Random Humans have the ability to take him out. Sometimes he shows his opponents the battlefield and the bodies of his comrades and they really don’t seem to devote much thought to it (like. What??? I get that chrono & friends love vanguard and chrono does address it a little bit but mostly iirc just to say “I don’t think that’s what vanguard actually does/that’s not OUR vanguard”). He’s affected worse and worse with each loss and joins a group trying to end the world to get revenge on the humans who’ve beaten him (iirc unclear whether he knows the success of the destruction of the earth will destroy him too). He becomes the last of the original diffriders - chaos breaker dragon doesn’t count he was diffridden during U20 - to remain on earth, a point which he makes sure to bring up as proof of his superior survival abilities. The kid whose body he’s possessing expresses that he’s not happy about the way dumjid’s acting and dumjid doesn’t give a shit and continues to puppet his body around. Just, everything about him as a character is so fascinating in a concerning way and, like shiranui, he brings up the fact that vanguard is Real in a way that the earth characters don’t really consider - yes they have strong imaginations and genuine attachment to their units, but ultimately they’re playing a card game where even if cards get sent to the drop/damage zones they can come back for the next battle* whereas on cray they’re fighting Actual Battles and the units that die die For Real And Permanently. Unlike shiranui, who eventually began to see vanguard as a method of reunion with his dead friends and decided that what he’d been told about earth vanguard being a direct cause for his friends’ deaths might be wrong, Dumjid never changes his view on earth vanguard after “experiencing death”, so when he finally loses and goes back to cray he’s essentially dragged back clawing and screaming. I don’t know, there’s just something about him that’s sooooo soooo fascinating to me
#*not counting g zones in battles with zeroth dragons except that chrono’s g zone DID come back#though that was probably only possible due to his Singularity so that’s a special case ig#also saori is kinda fascinating too in that he’s just some normal kid who agrees to let dumjid puppeteer his body bc he looks up to him#and then dumjid brings all his baggage and Completwlg Fucking Spirals and saori’s like I Want To Get Off This Ride Now but he Can’t#and while he once let dumjid control him now dumjids controlling him by force#and saori Doesn’t Like What He’s Doing but he Can’t Control His Own Body and he’s moving and speaking but it Isn’t Him#and even after dumjid is sent back from cray he falls in a coma#and I’m pretty sure he was in the coma for the longest time out of the people that were diffriden#which makes sense considering how much longer dumjid was controlling him for#but imagine waking up and you’re finally you again#but you have to deal with the fact that someone who you thought was cool used your body to try to start the apocalypse#and it affected your physical health too + you probably remember feeling all the things that dumjid felt#like. what. and I think we only saw him non-diffridden that one time in the last episode on his team with taiyou and hiroki#which was very cute and all and I’m glad he at least got friends out of it but Good God#anyways all the diffriders are just Fascinating to me and I could probably talk like this abt all of them#but I probably think about dumjid the most bc of *gestures* All That#sorry I have Gotta Yap Disease but I think I’m done now probably.#cfvg#fuchidaka saori#kind of#flare trooper dumjid#guess we’re tagging units now
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do you ever just think about how lando was too shy to ask seb for a photo at the autosport awards many moons ago and then on seb’s last ever gp weekend, was in the middle of the paddock with seb on sunday singing sweet caroline
#no cos i’m going to go insane over those two#like they are my babies n i love them dearly#and their relationship is so 🥺🥺#and it’s so criminal that we didn’t get many seb x lando interactions#but we would’ve had more if mclaren (mainly zak) weren’t pr merchants#but oh my god could you have imagined if piasco happened w seb#n mark was like u terrorised me for so many years#n now i finally get one over you!#nah but i’m glad he went to am bc they loved him dearly#but ik he would’ve done so well at mclaren#like he would have done so well this year n helped mclaren massively#but oh well#seb x lando pls always be friends i beg#sebastian vettel#lando norris
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I’m onto hour (day) god knows what I was forced to take a quick break cause I just started projectile vomiting stomach acid lol rip got me a zooper dooper and getting it back together bc not many hrs left but also I think I’ll be right I just have half the discussion section to go (as long as I stay alive) don’t ask me why it takes me this long I have issues I also have severe issues not being able to do things until it takes me right up to the second it’s due I need a lobotomy. ok no I just calculated I’ve been going for 31 hours straight help (my back- I literally sit on the floor) but actually I literally did everything from scratch like the lit review then the methods n all that plus collecting data plus data analysis then findings now discussion amongst other things and it’s only a 1600 word document and at one point I saw the document I was working on had 6000+ words on it and that was just one of like 6 of the documents for the same task cos when it gets too full and lags I just open a new one AHAHAHAH who’s gonna fry first me or my laptop I need to fix my life methods
#help#I think i alr did#but we back#I hope I read back on this one day and think wow I’m glad I got it together#but I just don’t see that happening#also once this is done I have another in a few days but just an essay thank god
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Stayed up until 1:00am to finish the last two hours of Thud!
You’d think I’d be prepared after seven books for Vimes to do something in the last act that has me on the edge of my seat holding my breath, until against all odds, the universe blinks first and I’m bowled over again by the heights of integrity one brave old terrier from the gutter can rise to. Still, I am surprised every time.
#my heart was BREAKING at this one oh my god that man loves his family so much#Death had a fucking near-Vimes experience YES! YES!!!!#Vimes surviving purely out of love and duty to his son#even bleeding out and battered trapped in a lightless labyrinth#the man refused to lay down and die#I’m not ready for this series to be over#so much has changed and shifted both with the characters and the world it’s amazing looking back where it all started#honestly my current plan is to just go back and reread Guards! Guards! as soon as I’m done to get the full circle picture#who knows if I’ll stop there#what I know is these books are staying with me into the future#and hey I’m not even halfway yet through the full Discworld series lmao I’ve got time left to go#and people seem to love the other ones too#I am SO glad I didn’t leave Discworld after I finished the Death series#all I know is I’m going to miss my boy Sam like nothing else. One of my favorite protagonists of all time#and the Penguin Audio productions have just brought the world into color they’re incredible#just all around absolutely brilliant books god I’m in love with them#discworld#spilling the Tea
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I wish I just knew when/if I did something wrong
#the truest repairman posts#I’m probably making a big deal out of notjing but hey ho this is tumblr what is it for if not. Ranting about your emotions#A little too personally#I’m glad my cat is here honestly because I’d probably be reacting worse if she wasn’t here#I won’t remember this in a month so I don’t need to worry about it jaw clenched hands shaking#I guess I should have expected this I mean what’s the point of feeling like you’ve done something wrong and being upset when it’s confirmed#I just wish I knew what because now it’s the triple element of#If I did something wrong feeling guilty for that#If I didn’t and someone is just upset with me feeling guilty for causing that#And if someone is just a dick not caring about what they say but immediately worrying that by brushing it off as some shitty comment im#Ignoring someone who I actually upset#I shouldn’t get this worked up over something it’s 100% because I’m so tired#I was just already feeling so shit and then it was just confirmed like that… I wish I had someone to talk to now even so I could feel like#Haven’t upset EVERYONE at least#God I hope someone was just being a dick so I can stop giving a fuck#I’m too old to get upset like this man#Sorry for the long tags ig#Vent#Yeah we’re getting there I’d say#Probably should have tagged my like. One other post as vent too
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Heartless by Marissa Meyer is the first book in a longggggg time that’s actually making me want to read character x character fanfics again. give me the fluff.
#rev rambles#like. i want all the fluff bc they deserve it omfg#I’m not even done the book cath pissed me off so bad I had to close it and think 😭#it’s soooooo good tho oh my god 😭#fix it fics save me#save me fix it fics#she’s one of my fav authors#the lunar chronicles is one of my top series’ ever#it took me wayyyy too long to actually pick this up but I’m so glad I did
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ALERT ALERT THIS IS NOT A DRILL!! NEW ANETRA NEWS!!
#anetra#tattoo#rpdr 15#drag race#drag race 15#rpdr#I’m so glad for ANY update like this has soothed me so much#also the tattoos are adorable!!!#and so well done#and that photo omg#that duckface smile is so precious#and her biceps…. 🤤🥵#quite literally only love one man and it’s boynetra#those cheekbones like god#such a pretty pretty person
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man i’m still so hung up on the way that this professor handled music in the philippines. there were Choices made and though i agreed with a few of them, i found most of them straight up fucking baffling and it was disheartening to not feel heard or invited to contribute to the discussion despite this subject matter being uhhhhhhh my fucking lived experience just because i didn’t pay a twenty dollar membership fee to the fil-am org
#if ppl actually walk away thinking kulintang = progressive and rondalla = conservative i’m going to scream and bite things#BARELY touched on actual music happening in the philippines. most of it was fil am stuff#like sure apo hiking was mentioned but THAT WAS THE ONLY ONE#and it was to juxtapose american junk with something a child of the diaspora made#which was filled with like AAVE appropriation and was mostly in english like hello?#and the point was ‘see this is male dominated and the new one is intersectional feminism’ YOURE MISSING THE POINT#OH MH FUCKING GOD#AMERICAN JUNK SUCCINCTLY CRITICIZES AMERICAN PHYSICAL AND CULTURAL HEGEMONY#ITS FRUSTRATION AND LAMENT AND RESISTANCE BUBBLING UNDER OUR ‘FRIENDLY FACES’#the new song the fil am woman made covers WAY too much im sorry#i couldn’t understand it and i showed it to my parents and they were like we don’t understand this either lol#half of its not even in any dialect of filipino language#so we’re appropriating Black American art—music created by another oppressed group—and calling it SEA music. cool cool#the only thing i liked was this assigned book i need to finish it but it criticized the activities of fil-am uni orgs#it helped me verbalize just what put me off joining these group#NOT EVEN BAYAN KO. WE DIDNT EVEN TALK ABOUT BAYAN KO?#AND NO ASIN EITHER I WAS SO MAD#UGH i’m glad we’re done with this unit i was really really disappointed by it#NO WAIT THE FUNNIEST THING IS WERE GONNA CALL BAYANIHAN DANCE COMPANY CULTURAL APPROPRIATION#BUT WERE NOT GONNA TALK ABOUT HOW FIL AMS CASUALLY APPROPRIATE BLACK AMERICAN ART WHILE ANTIBLACK RACISM IS SO PERVSSIVE IN THE COMMUNITY#HELLO?
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officially graduated :)
#i am feeling pretty miserable right Now. but I can’t understate the fact that. I actually fucking graduated.#and god. I’m so glad I made it here. I’m so glad that I stuck through. I’m so glad I am here.#even if I’m feeling awful. and I’m upset that I’m feeling awful on what is probably one of the best and most improbable days of my life#bc I’m just so glad I finished. and competed it. even if everyone else around me has made me feel miserable. it’s ok. but god. yeah.#i still cant rlly believe it. I’m having a lot of feelings#but yeah :) I graduated college today like fr :)#ty to everyone who has supported me over text or via liking my struggle posts#i really genuinely couldn’t have done it without other ppl so. this is a ty for you all.#roxy talks
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AAAAAA
#i HAVE developed the inability to live with people and idk when it happened#i used to be so different ! my cousin used to stay over for like a week straight and i would enjoy every day!!#and now it’s like#if i have to spend 4+ days in a row with ANYONE outside of my immediate family i start crying in the shower#i need to!!!#get a grip#god i think i just get overstimulated#and i think ‘doing nothing by myself’ time has gotten more and more important for my brain#like tbh i used to dread being alone but now i can kind of make myself enjoy my own company#i don’t mind the routine 5 hour drives i have to make to and from my parents anymore#like they used to bother me but now it’s just some nice chill time to vibe with myself#which is cool!!!!#i’m glad i like me#it is still really hard to self initiate things though#like when i’m alone for too many days in a row i can SO EASILY fall into inaction#it’s 1 day i sleep too late and then the next 3 days i can’t self regulate or self motivate myself to start a task#i AM still working on that one#though i will say it’s gotten better#i know this is a stupid thing to brag about but i started watching abbott elementary (on my own) and now i am actually#almost done with season 1#i have NEVER been able to start or finish a show on my own#i lack the executive function to make myself start things#even things i like and want to do#but!!!!!#i am beginning to do things on my own#ANYWAYS this got lost on me but back to the main point jesus fucking christ i need some time to myself
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No one can make me feel bad about my past. I was honest so I wouldn’t be judged. But instead it’s always used against me. By my own husband at that. We both have kids from different people. But I’m the bad person for it. Crazy because you wanted to be the next one & I gave in to make you happy even though it wasn’t what I wanted. & just to just be talked about poorly & let go after being told it was never an option. Only thing that I had to forgive myself for was giving in & trusting someone I chose & loved so much. Who in turn broke my heart & makes me to be the bad person when we’ve both made mistakes. It was just a lesson & I’m at peace with that now. I’m not perfect & took accountability for my mistakes. I forgave & stayed when asked. I even respected the decision he made to brake our family he tried so hard to make with me. It was hard & it hurt but you can’t force someone to stay or love you. I prayed for strength & guidance. God showed me why I needed to let go. I tried to make it work as I promised I would, but I wasn’t enough or ever even the one. I don’t talk poorly about him to others. I keep the bad to myself or write on this app where no one knows us. I asked for respect to let me go completely so I can move on without trying as he asked. & it turned into a battle. I was threatened of my freedom. That was the last straw. It was such a help to let it go. Coparenting for our kids is all I want to do. No more trying. He got what he wanted. The trust is gone completely. I just want to do right for the kids & communicate for them when needed respectfully. Praying for the respect as his mother’s children & soon to be ex wife as he has chosen. I don’t regret giving my all. It’s all good. At least I know I tried. Life has many lessons we must all learn to help make us better ourselves. God wrote our story before we even knew what would happen. So I will continue to trust Gods guidance in my life & not question anything he has in store. I’ll just continue to do better for me & the kids & keep God first as we should. So thankful for growth & strength. So grateful to have loved & trusted in someone for once, even if I was broken hearted in the process. Time to focus on continuous growth, keeping god first, & being better for my kids. Only God can judge me.
Life’s a bitch & then we die. Can’t let pain linger on. We only have one life to live. I Choose Happiness!
#without trust there is nothing#no regrets#some people are sent to be a lesson#staying cordial for my children because they deserve the best of me#coparenting can be hard but only if you make it that way#gotta respect my path that I was given#I’m not a burden & I’m not those negative things said to me#I won’t let anyone consume me & make me feel unworthy#I have a good heart & im loyal even when some don’t deserve it#glad I can say I tried my hardest#so happy god answered my prayer so quickly#if we just respect each other we can still parent our children without causing them any suffering#he knew I had other BD & chose to be the last#I won’t let his negativity of me keep me down ever again#I choose me#I’m so happy I can finally let go peacefully#sucks it took me to see him in this way & him causing heartache & tryna put me down for me to realize I deserve more#but hey I’m hard headed & actually loved him#I’ll never get married again. it’s one & done for me. Glad I can see my worth now#focusing on raising these babies. god sent them store a reason when I didn’t want anymore. I needed them#changing for the good. just want to be happy. only I can make that happen for myself.
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LOVED YOU AT YOUR WORST - r.c series - ONE
pairings: ex!sweethearts; rafe x thornton!reader; rafe x sofia. chapter warnings: none (angst) chapter two┆ chapter three ┆ chapter four
The bass from the speakers rattled the glass in your hand as you leaned against the porch railing, eyes scanning the backyard for him—Rafe.
It had been a long month.
Longer than you thought it would be. Usually, when you and Rafe had your little “breaks,” they lasted about a week, maybe two at most. It was always something stupid, a screaming match that ended with slammed doors and his truck peeling out of your driveway. But it never lasted. It couldn’t. You’d known each other too long, been through too much, and deep down, there was this unspoken truth—he’d always come back. Or, you would.
But this time was different.
This time, he wasn’t calling or showing up at your window in the middle of the night, eyes tired and sorry, pulling you into his arms. The space between you had been growing wider since his dad died. And sure, maybe it was your fault for what you said after Ward’s death—But it was the truth.
Still, you hadn’t expected him to shut you out completely. Two months. Two months of silence. And the only thing you’d heard about him since was through Ruthie, Topper’s new girlfriend, of all people. A random comment at Mase’s place—something about how Rafe had been hanging around some pogue girl named Sofia.
You’d rolled your eyes at that. Rafe? With some Pogue? Yeah, right. You’d pretended not to care when she tossed it out like it was nothing
You weren’t stupid.
You’d always known Rafe wasn’t the easiest guy to love. He was complicated, angry, reckless—but so were you. And in some messed-up way, that’s why you two worked. Or at least, why you thought you did. You were just as stubborn, just as damaged. But now, as you sipped your drink and looked around, something felt off. Your gut was tight, and that nagging feeling that’d been growing restless under your skin since the breakup only grew stronger the longer you stood there.
You pushed yourself off the railing, discarding your drink on a table before moving through the crowd, past people you knew but didn’t bother with. Your mind was set on one thing—Rafe. You were done with the break. You had your space. It’s time to get back together. It was never even really a question. It was just the way things worked with you two.
But then there was Ruthie—blocking your path, her wide smile dripping with the kind of smugness that set your teeth on edge. She looked like she was reveling in your misery and that little giggle she let out only made it worse.
"So glad you could make it!" she sang out, her voice too sweet, too bright. Her eyes flickered over you like she was sizing you up, taking stock of every inch of your perfectly put-together outfit.
You forced a smile, “Yeah, well, wouldn’t miss a party like this,” you said, keeping your tone casual.
You weren’t in the mood for whatever game she was playing.
“Oh, I just bet,” she replied, her smile growing wider. She stepped closer, her breath reeking of cheap wine, and you had to resist the urge to roll your eyes. Ruthie always drank too much at these things.
What the hell was her problem? She always acted like she knew something you didn’t, like she held the keys to all the dirty little secrets in Kildare, and she loved dangling them in front of people just to watch them squirm.
“Ruthie, I swear to God—” you began, but she cut you off, her grin widening.
“Oh, honey,” she cooed, her voice dripping with fake sympathy, “don’t get mad at me. I’m just the messenger. You should really be talking to Rafe about this.” She took a step back, still smiling, and glanced over her shoulder. “He’s around, you know. You can go find him yourself. See how cozy he’s gotten with her.”
You bit your tongue, jaw, forcing yourself to stay calm. She was trying to get under your skin, like the snake she’d always been. You couldn’t believe Top was lonely and horny enough to finally fall into her claws.
“Thanks for the tip,” you gave her a tight lipped grimace, brushing past her, didn’t try and wait for her reply.
You only caught glimpses of empty rooms along the way. You hadn’t seen him since the break, and part of you didn’t want to admit how much that messed you up. How much he messed you up. Your steps slowed as you neared the hall that led to the back of the house, the sound of voices filtering through the air. You recognized some, laughed at the drunken ramblings, until one voice cut through the noise. Rafe’s.
And then you heard hers. No fucking way.
You didn’t stop. You couldn’t. You told yourself you just needed to see him, just talk to him, tell him this break had gone on long enough, that you were done with the games. That’s when you heard it again—her laugh. It was light, flirtatious, the kind of laugh that made your stomach turn into a million different directions because you knew exactly what it meant.
She was there, with him.
You moved forward, the hallway barely lit as you reached the half-closed bathroom door. Your breath hitched, hands trembling as you peeked through the small crack, unable to stop yourself from looking.
There they were.
She was smiling, laughing softly at something he’d said, her fingers brushing through her hair as if she didn’t have a care in the world. Your breath caught in your throat as you watched his hands move, tying the knot in her bikini with such gentle precision like he’d done it a thousand times. The kind of softness he used to have with you. And then he said it, his voice teasing, amused like this was some kind of inside joke between them.
"God, this is just landing right in my lap, isn’t it?"
You froze.
He laughed quietly, his lips brushing against Sofia’s shoulder as he tied the last knot, and the way he touched her—like she was something to be savored—sent a rush of pure, burning humiliation straight through your chest.
You stumbled back, your heart pounding in your ears as Rafe’s words repeated over and over in your head. Landing right in my lap. What the fuck was this?
Your heart clenched, vision blurring as what you were seeing slammed right into you. You backed away, your hand flying to your mouth to stop the sob from escaping. But it didn’t help. Not even à little. The tears burned, and you turned quickly, practically running back through the house and out the door before anyone could see the humiliating mess you were becoming.
It was real. He moved on. In two fucking months.
That’s all it had taken for him to replace you. To be done with you. He was over you. Just like that.
After everything you’d been through together, after all the times you had to pull him out of his own darkness, after the nights spent in his arms when you thought you couldn’t breathe because your whole family was gone—after years of being his and him being yours—how the fuck could he move on when you’d been rotting away in self loathing for pushing him away?
Your head spun as you stumbled down the steps, out to the street where your car was parked. You couldn’t breathe. Your breaths were coming out too fast, too shallow, and your hands were shaking so hard you had to press them against your knees to hold yourself up.
What the hell was wrong with you? You hadn’t even had anything to drink.
But your stomach was rolling, twisting in knots so tight you could barely stand straight. You leaned against the side of your car, the cool metal grounding you to reality for a second before a wave of nausea hit, forcing you to double over and retch onto the pavement. Tears stung your eyes as you coughed, wiping your mouth with the back of your hand.
You felt dizzy, disgusted even, everything you thought you knew, everything you thought was yours, had been ripped out from under you.
Without a single warning. Not a text, not a stupid call, just pure indifference. No respect or regard for you. None of them. Everything you’d just seen replayed in your mind—Rafe, her, the way he touched her like she meant something to him.
“Look who’s still standing!” Topper’s voice. He was laughing as he strolled over, hands shoved in his pockets, that same carefree grin on his face that he always had at parties. “Jesus, what did you have to drink? You look like you’ve been hit by a truck.”
Normally, you might have had something to say back, maybe a fiery insult or a roll of your eyes. But right now, everything felt like too much. You couldn’t say a word. You could barely breathe.
Your cousin stopped beside you, his grin dropping as he finally looked at you. “Hey, what’s wrong?” He leaned down, trying to catch your eyes. “You good? You look kinda—"
You cut him off, the question was heavy, like a lump lodged in your throat. “Did you know?”
He blinked, the confusion spreading across his face. “Know what?”
You swallowed, your heart hammering in your chest as you forced the words out, your voice shaking. “About Rafe and Sofia.”
You hated saying her name.
Hated that you’d been forced to know it by heart. Topper’s smile dropped, his expression changing.
He didn’t answer. He didn’t have to, you knew him well enough to read his micro expressions. You clenched your fists, it felt like you were the only one in the island who’d been let out of the secret.
Surely, your friends, your only family would’ve told you something right? It’s not like you were on a remote island away from them. You’d spent the last month in New York, not in the fucking jungle. You visited occasionally. You were a call away.
“Did everyone fucking know?”
Topper exhaled slowly, rubbing the back of his neck. “Look, we didn’t think it was serious. You know how it is with you two—you’ve done this before. Played with other people…”
Played with other people. Like you and Rafe were just some game, a revolving door of heartbreak and hookups. It didn’t make sense. You’d always known how it worked, understood how these things went—sure, you’d had your minor flings, and he’d had his, but it was never real.
You stumbled back, feeling like you might collapse. “Oh my God, I’m going to be sick again.”
He reached out, obviously concerned since he hadn’t seen you in this desperate state in years, “Hey, hey, calm down. Look, it’s not like it means anything. Rafe’s just—he’s going through a lot with his dad dying, and he�� he’s just messing around. You know how he gets.”
But the words did nothing to soothe you. They only made it worse—how everyone knew. How they’d all watched Rafe move on, while you were stuck, still reeling from the breakup, thinking he’d come back like he always did. And he was just out there, with her.
With someone else. You pressed a hand to your stomach, your head hurting. The idea of Sofia, of Rafe being with someone else in ways that only you knew—ways that had always been yours—made you feel like you were being torn apart.
Topper was still talking, still trying to rationalize it, but his words were like static now, blending into the noise of the party behind you. “It doesn’t mean anything,” he was saying. “You know how it goes. You always end up back together. He’s just doing whatever to distract himself.”
That word. Distract himself. Like your entire relationship could be boiled down to that—a series of distractions until you decided to come back to each other, to pick up the pieces and pretend everything was okay.
You could still remember the night your life changed—the phone call, the horrible, gut-wrenching moment when you learned that your family’s private plane had gone down. Your parents. Your sister. Gone. Just like that. And Rafe had been the one to pull you through it. He was the one who had held you as you cried so hard you thought you were going to die, who sat with you in silence when you couldn’t bring yourself to speak, who stayed with you every single night because you were terrified to be alone in a haunted mansion that now felt like a mausoleum.
You had been seventeen, and losing them all at once had killed something inside of you. But he was there. He wasn’t perfect—far from it—but he knew what it was like to grieve.
He knew loss. He understood. Because you’d been there for him two years earlier, when his mom lost her battle to cancer. You could still see the look in his eyes that day—fourteen years old and already drowning in so much anger and sadness, like the world had ripped something essential out of him.
The way he cried at her funeral when he thought no one was watching, and you’d found him, sat beside him in the cold, letting him cry without saying a word. You hadn’t started dating yet, hadn’t crossed that line, but something had changed between you two in those moments.
A connection, a bond forged in shared pain, in the kind of trauma that no one else really got. Maybe that was why you were so obsessed with each other. Maybe it was fucked up, but you couldn’t imagine anyone else understanding you the way Rafe did.
How could it all come down to this? To you standing here, feeling like the world was ending while he moved on, laughing and touching someone else like nothing you had ever been through mattered?
Was that it? Did that one moment, that one argument about Ward, erase everything you’d done for him?
All the times you’d been there, the way you had comforted him when he felt like his life was spiraling? You remembered exactly what you’d said a month after the funeral, when your boyfriend blamed everyone but Ward for his own death. "He wasn’t a good person, baby. I know he was your dad, but you can’t pretend like he didn’t fuck you up."
You hadn’t even said it to hurt him, not really. It was just the truth. Ward had been a terrible father, controlling and manipulative, and you’d spent years watching Rafe try to live up to some impossible standard, chasing his father’s approval like it would ever be enough. But that didn’t make it easier for him to hear. You should have known better. You should have known how raw he was after losing his dad, how complicated his feelings were.
But instead, you’d been brutal. Honest, but brutal.
And now, two months later, here you were—staring at the empty street, wondering if you’d pushed him too far. If that one moment of honesty was enough to make him forget everything else. Now you were just the ex, the crazy one who didn’t know when to keep her mouth shut.
“Fuck, why did I say that?” you whispered to yourself, voice shaking. Why couldn’t you have just let it go?
But then another clarity of anger took over you, pushing away the guilt that had been building inside. So you’d been too harsh about Ward. So you’d said what everyone else had been too scared to say. It wasn’t like you’d been wrong. Ward had messed Rafe up.
Everyone knew it. He knew it, deep down.
You gritted your teeth, staring out at the dark street, the low hum of the party still buzzing faintly behind you. You were never going to get that picture out of your head. Like they hadn’t just met, like you hadn’t spent years learning how to calm Rafe when he spiraled, how to hold him together when he couldn’t hold himself.
Your chest tightened again, a bitter taste rising in your throat.
You could still feel the weight of his head on your shoulder that night, years ago, when his mom passed. The silent sobs that shook his body, the way he’d held onto you. That was the real Rafe—the one he hid from everyone else. The one who was lost and broken underneath all the anger. And you’d seen him, really seen him in ways no one else ever could. Not Sofia. Not anyone.
"Look, you're emotional, okay? I get it. Maybe it's that time of the month or something. You know how you always get when your hormones go crazy."
The words got to you, but not in the way he probably thought they would. At first, it pissed you off, like it always did when people tried to downplay your emotions. Everyone always said you felt too much. That you were out of control.
But then…
You stopped moving, blinking rapidly as his words spiraled around in your brain. ‘Time of the month’, he'd said.
Your heart started doing summersaults, your stomach dropping as the idea settled in. You grabbed your phone, hands trembling like leaves as you opened the calendar app. You scrolled, trying to think, trying to remember when you’d last…fuck.
You hadn’t had your period in… so long.
Almost two months. No. No, no, no. This couldn’t be happening. It had to be some kind of fucked up joke.
You felt light-headed as you reached for your car again, your body shaking so badly you could barely stand against the door. "Shit."
How could you not have noticed?
Topper noticed the change in you instantly, his brow furrowing. "What’s wrong with you?" he asked, his tone softening a little. "You okay?"
You couldn’t even form a sentence. Your brain was too full of what-ifs. Two months late.
You hadn't even thought about it until now—everything had taken so much space in your head that you hadn't noticed the most obvious sign. This wasn’t possible. Your hand flew to your stomach, almost instinctively. You had no idea what to do with the panic creeping up your throat.
“Shit,” You hissed, this time louder, trying to push the growing dread down. But it wouldn't go away.
He was still staring at you, “What? What’s going on? You’re freaking me out.”
But you were already backing away, shaking your head, “I—I need to go,” You mumbled, barely hearing yourself.
Your cousin moved quickly to block your path as you tried to make your way toward the door. That kind of protective streak only made you want to shove past him even more.
"You’re not driving in this state." he warned you, voice firm, his hands up like he was trying to physically stop you.
You just glared at him, “Fucking watch me.”
He didn’t budge. "You get in that car and I'm calling Rafe," he said, sounding dead serious.
You couldn’t believe it. Your head was already spinning, and he was trying to guilt-trip you like this was some kind of helpful thing to do? You threw your hands up in frustration, voice rising, cracking. "He’s too busy fucking Sofia. Knock yourself out."
The words felt like venom in your mouth, the bitterness rolling off your tongue. You didn’t care how harsh they sounded. You didn’t care about anything anymore except getting away from this suffocating stupid place. Before he could say anything else, you made your move. You pushed past him with all your strength, chest hurting with the urge to feel something other than this suffocating mess of emotions and confusion.
Your hands shook as you fumbled for your keys. You managed to unlock the door, sliding into the driver’s seat, the cool leather biting into your skin.
You needed to think. But all you could think about was that one, terrifying realization: you might be pregnant.
Your breath hitched, terror swirling around your chest. The calendar app was still open on your phone, the dates staring back at you like a flashing red warning sign, daring you to confront the truth you’d been ignoring. Two months. Two months without a period. And you hadn’t even noticed. You pressed a hand to your stomach again, heart pounding as if it was trying to escape your chest. This couldn’t be happening. Not now. Not like this.
You weren’t thinking clearly—shit, you weren’t thinking at all, but you couldn’t stay here. Not with Topper trying to baby you, not with him out there, living his best life like you didn’t even exist.
You turned the key, the engine roaring to life, and just as you gripped the wheel, ready to peel out of the driveway, Topper bolted in front of the car, planting himself right there like some kind of human roadblock. Fucking idiot. His arms were stretched out wide, like he could somehow stop you by sheer willpower.
“You’re not doing this, I swear to God, you’re not!” he yelled, his voice frantic, echoing off the dark street. He looked panicked, pleading even, like he was convinced you’d actually go through with it.
You gritted your teeth, eyes narrowing on him through the windshield. “Top, I swear, you have three seconds before I run you over.”
“Are you serious right now?” he yelled, his voice cracking with disbelief. But he didn’t move. “You think I’m letting you drive like this? You’re out of your fuckin’ mind!”
Your fingers gripping the wheel so hard it hurt. You weren’t bluffing. You were too wound up, too out of control. The only thing keeping you from flooring him was the fact that, deep down, you knew your cousin didn’t deserve it.
You just needed to get out of here.
“Move!” you screamed, “I��m not joking’, Topper. Get the fuck out of my way!”
His face twisted with frustration as he looked over his shoulder, something catching his attention. He started waving, yelling at someone, his voice cutting through the night, “Rafe! Dude, get over here!”
Your brain stopped. It was like everything had been sucked out of you. Your hands froze on the wheel, your entire body locking up as you looked to your right and saw him—Rafe. Right there in the yard.
And she was with him. He had his arm draped around her casually, like she belonged there.
Like he belonged there, just standing in the open, so stupidly comfortable in his new life. His head turned when he heard Topper call out, and your eyes locked for a less than a second. A moment too long. A moment that broke something inside you.
While Topper was distracted, his attention on Rafe, you made your move. You slammed your foot on the gas, tires screeching as the car lurched forward, swerving just enough to dodge Topper’s stunned figure. You heard him yell after you, but his voice faded into the background noise as you sped away.
You didn’t look back. Not at Top, not at Rafe.
The only thing you could hear was the sound of your own heartbeat pounding in your ears, drowning out everything else. You hated this. Hated that you were crying. Hated that you’d let yourself get to this point.
“God, what is wrong with me?” you muttered, your voice quavering as the words tumbled out. “Why the fuck am I crying over him? I shouldn’t be crying over him.” You slammed your palm against the steering wheel, angry, disgusted with yourself.
You’d told yourself you were stronger than this—that after everything you’d been through, you didn’t need him or anyone else. But here you were, falling apart like some pathetic excuse of a mess because of him. Because he had always been there, hadn’t he? After the crash, after you lost everything, he was the one constant, the one person who kept you from completely losing it. You’d relied on him so much. Too much.
“Fuck,” you hissed, tears streaming down your face. Your throat burned as the memories came flooding back, memories of all the nights you’d spent together, of him holding you while you cried yourself to sleep, of the way he’d pulled you out of the gloom when you thought you’d never get back up again. You thought he’d always be that person for you, the one who understood your broken pieces because he had his own. You’d always fit together perfectly.
You pulled into the parking lot of the nearest drugstore, your hands still shaking as you put the car in park. The tears had dried up on the drive over, replaced by a cold determination. You didn’t want to be here. Didn’t want to even think about what you were about to do.
The moment you stepped out of your car and into the harsh fluorescent lighting of the drugstore, you felt completely out of place—like a stranger in your own skin. You hadn’t even thought about how ridiculous you must’ve looked until you caught your reflection in one of the store’s glass windows. Your hair, still perfect from earlier, framed your face in soft waves, and your makeup was flawless, despite the crying. The designer dress you were wearing—sleek, red, and worth more than half the shit in this store—with its sticky floors and white lights, it made you feel like an alien. Like you didn’t belong.
You caught the eyes of a couple of people loitering outside the entrance as you walked in, their stares lingering a little too long, murmuring to each other behind smirks. You knew they were talking about you. They always did, kook queen, overdressed, out of touch, bitch, whatever they wanted to call you.
The sliding doors let out a grating beep as you entered, and the air inside was stale and heavy, reeking of floor cleaner and cheap perfume. You adjusted your grip on your purse, strutting past the aisles with your head high even though everything inside you felt like it was falling apart.
You always did this—dressed to kill, head up, like armor. But there was no real glamour in buying pregnancy tests from some random pharmacy in the middle of the night. No way to mask the deep, growing hysteria in your bones.
The girl behind the register clocked you the second you stepped up to the counter, her eyes dragging over your like she couldn’t quite believe what she was seeing. You could almost hear her thoughts: What the hell is someone like you doing here?
You didn’t even look at her. You just wanted to pay and leave without a scene. But of course, people always found a way to make things worse. She hesitated before scanning the tests, looking like she might say something. For her own good, you prayed she didn’t.
You threw the money on the counter before she could open her mouth, two crisp hundreds on top of the total. The cash hit the counter with a sharp thwap and you gave her the bitchiest look you could muster. “Take it. Keep your fucking mouth shut.”
She swallowed hard, her hand trembling as she slid the bills into the register. You didn’t care that she was young or nervous. You weren’t here to make friends. You weren’t here for anyone’s sympathy. The extra money would make sure she didn’t talk, that was all that mattered.
You walked out, your heels clicking against the linoleum, head high, even though every nerve in your body screamed for you to disappear. You slid into your truck, slamming the door shut, the silence finally hitting you. For all the designer clothes, the makeup, the money—none of it meant shit right now. You felt so small. So scared. Terribly lonely.
You sat there for what felt like forever, staring at the stupid bag in the passenger seat like it had the power to ruin your whole life—which, to be fair, it kind of did. You didn’t know what the fuck you were going to do. Not about any of it.
Your foot tapped nervously against the floor mat, the sound too loud in the quiet car. The bag crinkled as you glanced at it again, your stomach twisting all over again. A bunch of pregnancy tests. How had it come to this?
Rafe. You squeezed your eyes shut, willing yourself not to think about him, not to picture his face when he found out. If he found out. Shit, what the hell was he going to do? He was with Sofia now, right? So was this going to ruin his life too? Did he even deserve to know?
It was probably nothing, you told yourself. Maybe the separation anxiety had gotten to you. Maybe your body was just fucked up from all the stress. Maybe your period was just late because you’d been so all over the place lately. There could be a million reasons. You didn’t even want to think about what would happen if it wasn’t nothing.
You didn’t want to cry anymore. Not after all of this. Not over Rafe. Not over your life turning into some fucking soap opera you didn’t even want to be a part of.
The second you were inside your house, the walls closed in around you. Your perfectly decorated place—the one you’d spent so much time making into a refuge, an escape—it didn’t feel like that anymore. Every designer pillow, every carefully chosen piece of art, mocking you.
Your phone buzzed in your bag, you reached for it. Of course, it was Rafe.
“I don’t know what the fuck that was but save the fucking dramatics, okay?”
The nerve. The fucking nerve of him to act like he was the center of your universe, acting like you were some inconvenience. Months of silence and this was the first thing he decided to text you? Knowing how much you despised when people called you a drama queen? Fucking piece of shit.
Your fingers hovered over the screen, a thousand different responses running through your mind. You wanted to tell him to shove something up his ass. But you did the only thing that felt right in that moment.
You blocked him. You stared at your phone, half expecting it to buzz again, half dreading that it wouldn’t. It was done. You cut him off, at least in that tiny, virtual way. You sat there for a minute, gripping the phone, trying to remember how to breathe.
This was supposed to feel empowering, right? You told yourself it would. That cutting him out would help you get back some control. But your mind wouldn’t settle. Those damn pregnancy tests were sitting in the bag next to you.
You were tired.
Exhausted in a way that had nothing to do with how late it was or how emotionally spent you were. You kicked off your heels, letting them clatter against the hardwood floor as you sank into the plush couch. Your house felt cold and unwelcoming tonight. Like a showroom. No comfort to be found. Not here, not in the muted tones of beige and white. Not in the sleek lines of furniture that were supposed to exude elegance and sophistication.
Maybe tomorrow you’d feel differently.
Maybe you’d wake up with a clear head, ready to take the stupid tests. Maybe you’d be strong again like you’d been so many times before.
Tonight, you were just tired. You leaned back against the cushions, closing your eyes for a moment, willing the noise in your head to quiet down. Sleep. That’s what you needed. Just a few hours to clear your mind, and in the morning, you’d deal with everything.
All of this would go away.
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