#it took me wayyyy too long to actually pick this up but I’m so glad I did

[reverie-starlight]

Heartless by Marissa Meyer is the first book in a longggggg time that’s actually making me want to read character x character fanfics again. give me the fluff.

[katie-writes24]

Say It Don’t Spray It

Pairing: John Laurens x reader

Warnings: Language, alcohol, suggestive material, FUCK TON OF ANGST KIDS, kinda sad, John doesn’t know when to shut up :,)

Part 2

Request: hey! my request was a laurens x reader where they're frenemies, n one day they get into this huge fight that stems from nothing, angst angst angst, and then he comes to her house to apologize. they simultaneously realize they have feelings for one another, and fluff fluff fluff...idek know after that lol - @notebookgirl30

Okay....WAYYYY OVERDUE I TOTALLY APOLOGIZE! Ngl this was a bit of a struggle to write because I just wanted to get a good feel of their “relationship/friendship” but I think I got it. Maybe? But I built a bigger storyline than expected so there’ll be a part 2. But yeah, hope you enjoy! Thank you @tinywhim for the title (you’re a real one, you don’t even know). Let me know if you want to be tagged! Leave me some feedback PLEASE!! And yeah! Enjoy!

“Has anyone ever told you you’re super boring?”

Y/N scoffed, “I’ve always loved your compliments, Angelica.”

She rolled her eyes, giving her coworker an exaggerated look. “You have nothing better to do on a Friday night. Normal people go out, and party and have fun! It’s the weekend, Y/N, you don’t have to worry about anything!”

That was an overstatement. Y/N actually did have lots to do, like finish her report and pay her bills and visit her parents and do actual adult things. Her partying days were over in college, and she knew that nothing good could come from a night surrounded by all of Angelica’s friends, some who happen to be their coworkers.

This was different though, in a way. Yes, it was Angelica’s birthday, but she was never good at social interaction, especially not at a club. These days she’ll go out with the Schuyler’s for a couple of drinks and go home and call it a day. That was enough for her, and she was okay with it. She was perfectly fine with her own friends telling her how she’s a buzzkill when it comes to partying. She was fine with not putting herself out there to guys because she didn’t think it was necessary right now.

She was comfortable at this point in her life, and she wasn’t going to ruin that over a drunken night at the club.

“Aren’t you two like best friends? You’re gonna miss your best friend’s birthday party?” Y/N turned to find John tutting in mock disapproval, swaying slightly on his chair.

“Will you butt out?” Y/N glared hard but it didn’t have the proper effect when he only laughed.

That’s the other problem. John is going to be there, which could only mean chaos. She’s been to enough office parties over the last two years to notice that he can’t hold his liquor and is incredibly loud. Not only were his obnoxious traits an issue, but there was something about him that got under her skin, not totally in a good way.

Eliza would never make her forget her little crush that sparked at the beginning of her job, when John was always nice to her and would give her this blinding smile. That sailed long ago, but apparently, a drunken night full of shared secrets was enough for the Schuyler to remember. Now, maybe there were some things that Y/N could pick out to prove to herself that he was an actual decent human being, but the John Laurens that had been sitting beside her for years was still John Laurens.

“I’m sitting three feet away from you,” He gestured at their desks that were only separated by a couple of inches. “I can literally hear everything you’re saying.”

“And he’s right!” Angelica reached over her desk and grabbed her hand. “It wouldn’t feel right if you weren’t there. Please, Y/N, it’s just a couple of hours. I promise if you really get uncomfortable you can leave, but I know you won’t because it is going to be amazing!”

Rolling her eyes yet again, Y/N did feel a little guilty. Angelica has always been there for her, through all the ups and downs, she’s been her biggest support system. It wouldn’t be fair to not celebrate her birthday with her.

“Fine,” Angelica practically squealed at her grumble. “But don’t count on me as your designated driver, because I might really dip out if it gets too rowdy for me.”

“Might as well not go then. Put me and Alex together, pshhh, you’ll be walking out the door as soon as you step in.” John winked, like he just knew how to get Y/N fired up and ready to argue back. Angelica knew too, as she pulled her hands toward her again, gaining her attention.

“Ignore him, I swear we will all have a good time! Plus, who knows, maybe you’ll meet someone there.”

She looked hopeful, almost as if this was her intention all along. But Y/N knew better, no matter how many times Angelica tried to set her up, she wouldn’t invite her somewhere only to be mislead and be set on a blind date.

“I am not interested, I am perfectly capable of finding someone on my own, if I choose.” She made sure to point out the last part so her friend would drop the subject.

“I’m just saying,” Angelica put her hands in up in defense, but still had that knowing look on her face like she didn’t believe her. Y/N sighed and got up from her chair, heading towards the break room for another coffee.

Upon entering, she noticed Thomas was already by the coffee machine, pouring his own cup. He looked up and raised a brow. “Long day?”

“And it’s only getting started,” Y/N rubbed a hand over her face and motioned towards the machine. “Are you done hogging that now?”

“Woah, woah, what did I do to be treated with such attitude?” Thomas chuckled and grabbed a cup for her.

“Sorry, I’m just...kind of stressed, not really looking forward to the weekend?”

“You mean Angelica’s party?” Thomas handed the cup over to her, nodding at her thanks and watched her add cream into the liquid.

“Yes, actually. I’m not really good at parties, I think they’re too exciting for me. Go on, say it, I’m a boring buzzkill.” It’s not like she’s ever heard anything different before when trying to explain how she’d rather stay at home and unwind while reading a book or watching tv and just relaxing, instead of being surrounded by sweaty bodies and drinking till she grows numb.

“Now why are you putting words in my mouth? I was actually going to say I agree with you.” Y/N looked up in shock, not believing that Thomas Jefferson was one to refuse a party invitation.

“Really? You don’t like parties?”

“Not that I don’t like them, sometimes they grow old. It’s the same scene over and over again and I’d rather switch it up a bit, change the location, you know?” He had a small smile on his face, looking like he was fonding over some memory.

“You’re right, it must be so hard being invited to parties all the time!” Y/N smirked as he gasped dramatically in mock offense. It only lead to them giggling to each other, only stopping when someone else cleared their throat from the doorway.

Y/N found John standing, his usual smile gone and replaced with a frown and furrowed brows. “Am I interrupting something?”

“No, no, I was just leaving actually,” Thomas made way to the exit before hesitating, turning back to look at Y/N. “I’ll see you at the party, Y/N.”

She waved shyly, watching him walk away. It was comforting talking to Thomas, in a way. They didn’t do it very often, but when they did Y/N felt relaxed.

Lost in her thoughts, a cough startled her and she realized she was standing in John’s way. Y/N stepped to the side, muttering an apology and thinking how Friday night might not be so bad.

~~~

It’s not that Y/N doubted that Angelica would not settle for less than a full out, top quality club. But she didn’t think that it would include a private floor, filled with a bunch of people that Y/N didn’t know. Luckily, she spotted the birthday girl herself from across the room.

“I’m so glad you’re here!” Angelica screamed over the music that was blasting from the floor below. She was well passed tipsy already, but she knew that Angelica would want to sober up before the night was over. She was never one to purposefully forget her birthday. “Come on, let’s get you a drink!”

She pulled her over towards the overcrowded bar, pushing passed drunks and couples dancing, Y/N even got stumbled into and turned to find a familiar head of curls.

“Watch it, Laurens!” The glare sent his way was enough to make him sheepishly smile.

“My bad,” John walked off towards a booth in the corner, surrounded by a few other men, one who she had recognized as a friend of Thomas.

A shot was shoved into her hand and soon enough, so were two more. Once a proper drink was in her hold, Angelica invited her to a game of pool with her sisters. 

Somehow, Y/N got surrounded by a bunch of people that she didn’t know. Angelica had been dragged over by a short man, which meant Y/N was dragged as well. It was the booth full of John’s friends, and they had made their impression, that was for sure.

“Ah, and who do we have here?” Thomas’s friend came over and smiled, making Angelica smirk and push his chest.

“Laf, this is Y/N,” Even though they had never met before, Lafayette beamed at the mention of her name.

“So, this is the famous Y/N we have heard so much about, heh?” He grinned devilishly, like he knew something that she didn’t. It was strange, what would Angelica have said about her?

“Nice to meet you,” Y/N stuck out her hand politely.

“Oh please, the pleasure is all mine, cherie!” He took her hand and placed a gentle kiss in her knuckles. She giggled at his performance, looking to see if anyone else was buying the act. But when she looked around to see if anyone else knew something, she only saw John glaring at his friend while sipping on his drink.

Her coworker’s odd behavior was enough for her to move herself to the bar, ordering another drink for herself. As the bartender handed her the cup, he told her that it was already paid for, pointing her in the direction to a man across the room. He was cute, and if the look in his eye told her anything, it was the words Angelica had said.

You don’t have to worry about anything.

Maybe you’ll meet someone.

Perhaps she was right.

She was tired of everyone telling her how boring she was.

Y/N found herself dancing with the guy, not bothering to learn his name and more focused on her hips moving with his. The lips on her neck gave her a rush, like she was finally doing something fun and risky.

His hands were pulling at the hem of her dress when she was jolted forward. The guy had bumped into her hard, and when she turned around she found out it wasn’t the guys fault, but John’s.

“What the hell man?” The guy got up in his face. Y/N couldn’t really hear what they were saying, but it looked like it was something threatening. Laf, the short man and another one of John’s friends appeared, trying to pull him back and tell him to just leave it alone. John wasn’t having it, took to pushing the guy hard once more.

It was a giant commotion that got security involved, and Y/N was over it. She ran out of the club, tears brimming her eyes as she thought about what exactly just happened.

John always had to ruin the night. John always had a problem with her.

John also stopped her from calling a cab, grabbing her hand just as she reached the sidewalk and calling her name.

“What the fuck, John? What the hell was that for?” Y/N screamed, wide eyed and wondering why when she was finally having a good time, he had to fuck it up.

“Y/N, I’m so sorry! I just- I couldn’t let him-”

“Couldn’t let him what? Touch me? Dance with me? Why? How does that have anything to do with you, John?” Nothing was connecting, there was never a time she could recall where John cared about her love life.

“He was an asshole anyways, alright? Was he really all that to you? Okay, if anything I was helping you!” If he could actually believe that, John was growing angry, too. He had no right to be, but his kept spitting out words that only made Y/N fill with rage.

“What did I ever do to you? Why? Why do you have such a problem with me?” While furious was an understatement, she seemed to be more confused as to why John got involved anyways. She was finally inching out of her shell and he just had to give her a reason to want to never leave her apartment again. 

“I don’t have a problem with you, Y/N. I’m drunk, I’m-I didn’t mean to do that, I just-”

“Just what?” While John was stumbling with his words, she knew better. “Being drunk is not an excuse against your actions!”

"I was just trying to make a point! He was all over you, I thought you were uncomfortable!” He narrowed his eyes, and he’d grown more angry than regretful only a few seconds before.

“Well, I wasn’t! I am a grown woman, John, I’m allowed to have fun and meet guys! I was having a good time until you had to ruin it!” 

“Jesus- I was just looking out for you! It’s not my fault you’re such a whore-”

The world seemed to stop as the two screaming voices died instantly at the sharp sound of the hit. John locked his jaw before he lifted his hand to rub his cheek. When he finally lifted his eyes, he saw Y/N pursing her lips in pure rage, a single tear streak ran down her cheek. She looked so small, fragile in a way that made him want to wrap her in his arms and promise that he would make sure that nothing ever hurt her.

He had already proven that he could never do such a thing. 

“Fuck you, John.” Y/N whispered and turned, leaving him standing alone, full of regret. 

Let me know if you want to be tagged!

Laurens taglist: @alievans007 @etjt1821 @dontblinkumightmiss @hj-creates

[artificialqueens]

Everybody Knows You're High, 1/4 (Rajila) - Dartmouth420

“I found myself all alone in the grocery store, more stoned than I think I’ve ever been before.”

Summary: Raja smokes way too much weed and develops horrifying self-awareness, Manila’s there to rescue her but takes none of her bullshit. Maybe, just maybe, they fall in love. A lesbian college AU friends-to-idiots-to-lovers tale based on the song Everybody Knows by Partner. Loosely inspired by Off Limits by V&albatross but like wayyyy dumber :) 

A/N: my computer died and I’m in the process of getting all my files back so I wrote this mostly in the notes app on my phone to cope lmao

tw: weed induced anxiety & paranoia

-

It was a wonderful Sunday afternoon and Raja had been taking massive bong rips for the past two hours because why the hell not.

She sat in a sunbeam on her couch in the living room, deeply at peace with the world. Her roommates were out, and Raja was supposed to be working on a paper for her philosophy class that was due this week. But whatever, wasn’t a big part of college about having fun?

Raja glanced over at her Nintendo controller and stared at it for a good minute before reaching for it and selecting Super Smash Bros. After several minutes of staring glassy-eyed at the screen and trying to beat the computer generated competition, Raja blindly reached over for the bag of chips that usually rested in the corner of the couch and found… it was gone.

Raja paused the game and glared at the corner of the couch, suddenly really hungry.

She got up and went to the kitchen, digging around in the cupboards, reasoning she could always pay Delta or Carmen back for chips if they had some… but to no avail. If Raja wanted chips, she’d have to leave the house.

But that wasn’t such a big deal, the grocery store was a block down the street which was part of the reason they’d picked this house in the first place. Raja knew the route like the back of her tattooed left hand.

So, Raja took another big hit off her bong for courage, enjoying the satisfying bubbles in the dank bong water and subsequent thick smoke that went deep into her lungs.

Then she left the house, lazy in loose shorts and a crop top, yellow-tinted sunglasses to take the glare off the sunny afternoon, and her wallet reliably in her back pocket. What a beautiful day, it almost felt like a movie as she wandered down the street in the golden afternoon light. The clouds were small, fluffy and perfect. It just like how Raja imagined the 90s.

Glancing up at the big three-pane window in the house a few doors down across the street, Raja wondered if anyone was home. A few other students lived there, including Manila, who was one of her close friends. Raja decided not to stop and kept walking, the need for chips overpowering the desire to stop by and visit Manila.

At the grocery store Raja smiled to herself, took a plastic basket and wandered gently down the brightly lit aisles. Mmm, food. She got to the chips aisle and put a couple of different bags in her basket, letting elderly people and families and other folks pass her as she moved slowly. Then Raja decided she might, in fact, want ice cream too and moseyed over to the dairy section.

But as the cool air of the diary aisle hit her Raja began to experience doubt. She didn’t smell like weed, did she? Her mouth still tasted a little smoky, but surely it wouldn’t be a problem…

… and suddenly Raja saw somebody behind the glass in the big wall of fridges, blending in to the little cartons of whipping cream. Who the hell was that?

Raja peered closer, curious about the weird gremlin that lived in the fridge only to realize, with absolute horror, that it was her own reflection.

Long, greasy black hair, a slack expression, yellow tinted sunglasses through which her bloodshot and lined eyes were clearly visible. A twenty-year-old mess.

Clearly and distinctly, a voice inside Raja’s head said, Everybody knows you’re high.

Shit.

Raja looked around slowly, and inched into the corner at the end of the aisle between the shredded cheese and a big granola bar display. Her breath grew shallow as the sudden anxiety swallowed her whole. Oh god, oh no, everybody could tell-

What the fuck was she supposed to do now?

Raja gulped, completely glued to the spot as she watched the other shoppers go by. She needed a rescue mission. She took out her phone, holding on to the basket of chips for dear life.

Raja stared at her phone. Delta and Carmen were both out today and too far away, Shangela was mad at her, Raven was out of the question, who else, who else lived nearby… 

Raja hit call.

“Hello?” came Manila’s voice, a little out of breath.

“Manila,” whispered Raja, shrinking further into the corner between the display and the glass fridge, as she realized that everyone in the store knew she was high and could probably also hear her conversation, “I need you to come pick me up.”

“Why are you whispering?”

“I’m like… super high,” whispered Raja, anxiety spiking as her too-slow body fought her too-fast mind, “I’m at the grocery store and everybody knows and I’m trapped in the diary aisle and I can’t move.”

“What?” laughed Manila, “Oh my god, how much weed did you smoke?”

“I dunno, I did like… thirteen bong hits,” whispered Raja pathetically, “I needed chips.”

“You are so stupid,” said Manila with affectionate exasperation, “I’m out for a run, I’m just around the corner. I’ll come get you.”

Raja whispered a thank you and hung up and took a deep breath and stared at the floor. The floor was moving a little bit not too badly.  Maybe she could just walk down the dairy aisle and people wouldn’t be able to tell how high she was- but no, everybody knew. Someone was probably calling the grocery store cops right now and Raja would go to stoner girl jail and she’d never get to tell Manila how much she liked her…

After what might have three minutes or possibly an hour, Raja looked up and saw Manila approaching from the end of the aisle. Raja breathed a sigh of relief, but found she still couldn’t move. Manila’s curly black hair was up in a high ponytail, her face glowed a little from her run, and her colourful leggings were really showing off her legs…

“Hi, bitch,” said Manila, stopping in front of Raja with a huge, teasing grin. “I can’t believe you did this to yourself. Come on.”

With that, Manila turned and motioned for Raja to follow, her but Raja couldn’t.

“Nnh-“ managed Raja, shaking her head. If she left the corner now-

“Raja,” said Manila, rolling her eyes. She reached out and took Raja’s loose hand, forcefully leading her down the aisle. Very shocked to suddenly be moving, Raja followed her passively, letting herself be led. But when they got to checkout Raja froze again, causing Manila to jerk to a stop. Raja shook her head frantically.

“Are you like actually having a panic attack or something?” asked Manila, concerned, looking carefully into Raja’s expression as Raja suddenly noticed a few loose curls that had come loose from her ponytail, sitting soft and almost weightless on Manila’s head-

“Nope, you’re just really high,” said Manila to herself, shaking her head, and then redirected her. “Self-checkout it is.”

They made it through the self-checkout and paid for the chips even though Raja really didn’t like the beeping machine and kept asking it to be quiet. And then finally Manila led her back outside into the sun. Raja breathed out a sigh of relief, glad to have escaped. They crossed the hot expanse of the parking lot and headed for home. It was rare that weed made her anxious and paranoid like that, but it did happen occasionally.

Manila let go of her hand and Raja immediately missed it, because Manila’s hand was warm and soft and fit nicely in hers. Hmm. Manila always showed up for her, reflected Raja vaguely, she was an exceptionally reliable force in a flakey world. Raja kept walking, gently swinging her plastic bag full of chips as her anxiety faded. Manila said something but Raja wasn’t really paying attention.

“Do you want to come over and play Nintendo?” asked Raja instead. “I’ve got Super Smash Bros.”

“That’s your response to what topic you’re doing for the paper for Professor O’Hara’s philosophy class?” laughed Manila.

“Uh, I’m working on it,” answered Raja, noticing the way the sun caught in Manila’s hair. Had she noticed these things about her before? They’d been friends for a while now, and Raja was pretty sure Manila liked girls too… or was at least willing to experiment. “I’m gonna write about Plato’s Symposium, probably.”

“Yeah, cool,” replied Manila, nodding so that her curly ponytail bounced, “I’ve got about six hundred words on The Republic so far.”

“Are you like dating Alexis?” asked Raja, changing the subject, “Or was that just a casual thing?”

“No,” said Manila, momentarily hesitating, “Well yeah, uh, it was unclear. But we ended it a little while ago, she’s with Yara now.”

“Right, I thought I saw them together. I didn’t realize you two were over.”

“Yeah I mean, you had your own drama going on…”

“Huh?” Raja couldn’t recall any drama in her own life. Raja liked to keep things really chill.

“Uh…” laughed Manila awkwardly, “You were dating Raven and then you broke up with her like super callously right in the middle of that party at Morgan’s and she screamed at you and then knocked that bottle of wine off the table and it broke and went everywhere and someone filmed it-“

“Oh yeah,” said Raja, shrugging and recalling the incident, “Well, she’s a very intense person. I don’t remember you being there, though?”

“I don’t know where you went but I was trying to help Morgan get the stain out of the carpet while she panicked about her damage deposit and Raven locked herself in the bathroom,” said Manila dryly.

“Well,” said Raja, and looked up at her house as the approached, blinking slowly, not sure if she had anything to add to that, “I guess I should apologize to her or whatever. But uh, you should come over anyway, all my roommates are out.”

“Okay, I’ll come up,” said Manila, poking Raja’s arm, “Just to make sure you drink some water and don’t green out on me.”

They went inside and Raja threw herself on to the couch on her side with a bag of chips in her arms, melting down into the cushions with a contented sigh. This was where she was meant to be.

Manila walked in to the kitchen and came back out with two glasses of water, sipping hers and handing the other to Raja.

“Ooh, thank you,” said Raja, half-sitting up to take the glass, and chugged the entire thing, only now noticing she was totally cotton-mouthed and thirsty. Finally hydrated, the munchies were hitting hard and she tore open the bag of chips.

Manila sat down on the couch, shoving Raja’s long legs out of the way.

“Mmm, salt,” commented Manila dryly, taking a handful of chips and shoving them into her mouth. Crunching happily, she wiped her hand on her thigh and asked, “So, where’s the controller?”

Raja pointed it out and Manila picked it up, cancelled out Raja’s long-abandoned game on the screen across from them, and returned to the main menu with a flick of her thumb on the mini joystick. She held the controller with an easy confidence, and it made Raja wonder what else Manila could do with with her hands and how exactly Alexis had benefitted from that…

“Are we gonna play two player or are you just watching?” asked Manila, turning towards her.

Raja considered everything for a moment: the beautiful golden sun streaming in the window, the glorious high she’d relaxed back into, the tasty chips, Manila’s truly beautiful ass that was just about touching Raja’s knee given the way they were positioned, and the fact that, well, Manila was really pretty and recently single and Raja had always preferred casual hookups or friends-with-benefits to relationships anyway, especially given the recent disaster- no, situation, with Raven…

“Do you wanna make out?” asked Raja instead, with what she hoped was a very seductive look.

Manila hesitated for a split second, then burst out laughing and said, “Uh, no?!”

“What, really?” complained Raja. She couldn’t recall the last time a girl had said no to that suggestion. Raven, Mariah, Alaska, Bianca, Shangela, Yvie, Courtney… they’d all been into it, even if just for an afternoon or a night.

“As if!” said Manila, affecting her voice like she was Cher Horowitz before she laughed again and shook her head. Manila leaned forward and flicked through the menus, selecting the single player option, then her character and the arena. With a satisfied little smirk on the side of her mouth, Manila added, “Ask me again when you’re not stoned out of your mind.”

The music played out and Raja sulked and ate her chips and watched Manila play without really seeing it. Being stoned and mildly horny was usually a really fun combination, except when the other person wasn’t interested. Which like never happened! Maybe she’d invite Manila to stay for dinner, let her high fade and they could hang out and maybe things would get interesting a little later in the evening…

“Uh, so,” said Raja again, after watching Manila repeatedly beat the computer generated competition as Pikachu. The screen was starting to hurt her eyes a bit and she put the bag of chips down, craving human contact. Their friendship was platonically affectionate and hopefully that would still be on the table today. “Can I braid your hair?”

“Has anybody ever told you how weird you are?” said Manila in response, jabbing the A-button as she kicked Luigi off the platform.

“People think I’m very cool…”

“Yeah, but that’s what you make them think. I can see right through it, though. You’re afraid of commitment, you’re kind of an anxious bitch and you use weed and the idea of being chill to cover all of that,” stated Manila, “But yeah, you can braid my hair.”

Raja decided to ignore the first part of what Manila had said and sat up, shuffling around behind her until she sat with her legs apart, Manila perched on the edge of the couch cushion between them as she bent forward with her elbows on her knees to play.

While Raja was mentally celebrating the perfect position for hair braiding she’d placed herself in, Manila aggressively jabbed at the controller and kicked the other players off the platform and won the round.

“Sweet,” said Manila, as the victory music played, reaching back and pulling the elastic band out of her ponytail to let her hair spill down her back. Happy and hazy, Raja carded her fingers through Manila’s hair as Manila loaded up another arena. 

Manila continued, “Better hope Carmen isn’t mad that I’m beating all her high scores. I’m gonna unlock metallic Peach for her.”

Raja spent an indefinite period of time gently braiding Manila’s beautiful hair in a soothing repetitive pattern as her high slowly faded and Manila kicked ass at Super Smash Bros. Raja hadn’t ever really noticed Manila like this before. They were pretty good friends, and they’d always had a flirtatious undertone, and Manila went out of her way to hang out and even do favours for her… but Raja had always assumed she was just like, nice or whatever, but maybe it was something more that Raja simply hadn’t registered before. Playing with Manila’s hair wasn’t helping Raja feel any less horny, and there a low strum of sexual tension between them that Raja was sure Manila must be picking up on as well.

Suddenly the door opened and Raja looked up, dropping her hands. Delta was in the doorway, calling out a hello. Raja called back to her, vaguely shocked by the existence of other humans in the universe other than herself and Manila.

Manila paused the game and got up off the couch and touched the back of her head, feeling at the multitude of little braids in her hair. 

“Ha, I must look a mess,” said Manila, then she stretched her arms over her head, grimacing as her back cracked and continued, “Well, you’re barely high anymore and Delta’s back, so I take it my work here is done. I have to finish that paper tonight, see ya.”

With that, Manila sauntered off towards the door, leaving Raja distinctly abandoned on the couch.

“Uh, bye?” called Raja sarcastically after her as Manila shut the door.

Delta gave her a strong side-eyed look.

“What?” asked Raja.

“Since when are you into Manila?” asked Delta bluntly, sitting down into the couch next to Raja. Delta was keenly observant and it was something Raja admired about her, except when she was on the receiving end of that power.

“Since like an hour ago?” replied Raja, and told her about the grocery store adventure.

Delta laughed and totally roasted her while Raja whined complaints.

“She said to ask again when I’m less stoned, so I’m gonna do that the next time we hang out,” said Raja, with complete faith that the idea would work without any problems whatsoever, “What were you out doing this afternoon anyway?”

“Fooling around with that chemistry major I told you about,” replied Delta smugly, poking Raja’s arm, “I can’t believe you got too high and let a cute girl get away on you, you’re losing your touch.”

“You’re a terrible roommate,” complained Raja, but her smile gave her away, “And she’s not just some cute girl, she’s our friend…”

“Sure, but that can all change real quick if you get intimate…”

“It won’t change anything, it’ll be totally casual,” said Raja, casually, “She’s gotta be into me, she’s always nice, and we’re both like queer or whatever,” Raja flipped her hair over her shoulder and adopted a sexy voice, “So why wouldn’t she wanna make out?”

“You’re so annoying,” laughed Delta, and then shook her head, “Just don’t break her heart, bitch, that’ll make our parties super awkward.”

Then they hung out and made dinner and Raja remembered she was still pretty greasy and took a shower. After that she was really, truly, no longer high and it was time to actually work on her philosophy paper.

But Raja knew that something today had shifted. Maybe getting super high, freaking out in the grocery store and having Manila rescue her had brought something to the surface that always been there. Or maybe the affection and desire was totally new. It didn’t make that much of a difference to Raja. The next time the moment struck, she’d simply ask Manila again if she was interested. If Manila genuinely wasn’t then Raja would leave her alone, they’d remain friends, and she’d move on to someone else. But should Manila say yes… well, that would be super fun, wouldn’t it?

[furby-science]

The Making of Sterling the Super Furby: A Brief Overview

“I… I can’t look! I think I’m gonna… *HUEEEGH*!”

Before I get into this post, I want to list a few things I didn’t know shit about when I started Sterling:

Electronics

The Python coding language

Furby anatomy

Single board computers

After creating Sterling, I’m happy to say that now I have approximate knowledge of some of these things, but keep the above in mind as you read onwards. This little gremlin child was a learning experience from start to finish, and one I am incredibly proud of myself for sticking through. This also means that I am in no way an expert on everything I’m getting into okay? Okay let’s go!

The Hardware

First, a rundown of the hardware. I took heavy inspiration from the Furlexa mod shown here, and that was what I initially sought to create. The mod had three computer components to it:

A raspberry pi zero w single board computer for the AI to live on, with a mini USB microphone plugged in;

A pimoroni speaker PHAT to use as the sound system;

A motor controller to drive the furby’s motor.

My main problem with Furlexa was that this initial build took a lot of soldering, and I am a wussy who had a number of bad experiences with soldering irons in shop class. So, what’s a novice electrician to do?

Enter the Adafruit Crickit HAT. By sticking this little fucker on top of the raspberry pi, I was gifted with an amplifier, a speaker jack, capacitative touch sensors, and a motor driver all in one, no soldering needed if I bought the raspberry pi zero w h! The main challenge it posed was powering it. The Crickit insists, for some unfathomable reason, on being powered by a bulky DC jack, the kind you’d plug into a wall outlet, and the converter plug to use a battery pack with it was way too bulky to fit into a furby. I needed Sterling to be portable for maximum huggability, so this just wouldn’t do.

One fried raspberry pi and Crickit HAT later, I found the answer! By soldering the original furby battery pack to the underside of the Crickit board’s DC connection, these fuckers right here…

I was able to bypass the need for a wall plug or converter, and power him directly through the battery compartment like God intended. S/O to my friend Nick who is way less of a dumb bitch than I am and helped me figure this shit out I owe u some bread man.

So the tl;dr of it is, I effectively reduced the required computer components from three to two (excluding the speaker). Speaking of (heh), Sterling has an impressive 3w speaker in him, allowing him to be audible even without the use of the built in amplifier. It’s got such good bass on it, he even rumbles when he purrs without the aid of the motor!

And yes, when you pet him, he purrs. And complains if you manhandle him! The aforementioned capacitative touch sensors on the Crickit HAT made it all possible with the help of a few cables and some foil tape.

Wait, did you say soldering!?

Yup! It was a necessary evil; at the end of the day I had to pick my poison: soldering 80 pins on the speaker PHAT, or soldering like four contact points on the Crickit. I chose the more merciful option.

But wait, that whole outfit is really bulky still! How did you fit it inside the furby?

Subtractive methods, subtractive methods, subtractive methods! ;D Someone who actually knows things about furby anatomy and/or electronics will probably vaporize me for this, but… if I didn’t need it, it got the boot! That included prying off anything on the Crickit board I wasn’t using at the risk of destroying it completely - which probably isn’t ideal, but it also worked by some miracle, and again, I am such a basic bitch electrician that calculating the proper voltage for LEDs is still basically witchcraft to me, so… what I’m saying is I made it work. And that I really, really hate soldering! ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

You can see an early video of the end result here, and a later video of the outfit inside the naked furby here. This was back when he was still having auditory processing issues. Apologies for the shoddy quality, I was too excited everything was working to care about that at the time.

The Software

My other beef with Furlexa is… well, it’s an Amazon Alexa, and I’m a shitty little anticapitalist hermit who hates Amazon with a passion. Google Assistant was just as bad in my book. Mycroft was open source, but had a snowball’s chance in hell of running on the raspberry pi zero’s 512mb of RAM… I also wanted my assistant to have a degree of customizability to it. I wanted the furby’s AI to have a unique personality, identity, and preferences, much like classic furbies themselves did. A big box AI just wasn’t going to cut it!

Enter the Jasper Project. Yes, it’s old. Yes, it’s a bitch and a half to install. Yes, you have to know Python to get anywhere with it. However, it was free, open source, capable of running on a raspberry pi zero, and highly modular, meaning with a few lines of code, I could make it all my own - even to the extent of changing the AI’s name and voice (which is gr8 because I know a Jasper so naming my furby that would be Weird), or - the best part - writing my own, custom functions! Customizability-wise, I struck gold.

Ah, and glad I am that Jasper is modular, because I had some work ahead of me…

The STT Engine

The STT (Speech to Text) engine is what Sterling uses to understand what’s being said to him. Jasper’s proprietary STT engine is PocketSphinx, a fully offline STT engine, which sounded great in theory before I quickly learned it’s a nightmare to install, and also more inaccurate than a stenography machine powered by a single potato when actually being used. I had to compromise my morals a bit here and opt for using Wit.ai instead, which is free, but is also owned by Facebook. Big data is frustratingly inescapable in these cases.

There is one light at the end of the tunnel, and that is the training of acoustic modules. This has the downside of taking for-fucking-ever and requiring a quiet recording environment, however, and I don’t have the time right now to read through the pages and pages and pages and pages of computer theory right now to fully understand how to train one. So, improving PocketSphinx and running Sterling fully offline remains a stretch goal.

The TTS Engine

The Text to Speech engine is basically Sterling’s voice. This one was a bit easier to customize, and I’m thankful for that, because Jasper’s OG voice is a bit er… 90s computing for my tastes.

I shopped around for decent, human-sounding TTS options, and settled on installing Mimic1 TTS, Mycroft’s TTS engine, by hand, and modifying the Jasper source code to support it. Of all the TTS engines I tried, I felt that this one had the most natural intonation out of all of them. I liked the gruffness of the Scottish accent, and I think it really helped round out Sterling’s endearing, if a tad prickly, personality.

The Audio

This was another unforeseen hurdle. Turns out that I had his mic volume turned up way too high, because I greatly underestimated the capabilities of my tinyass five dollar USB microphone to pick up noises from within a furby. It took a bit of hacking in PulseAudio to get him hearing things properly, and I’m still not all the way happy with it, but he’s running wayyyy better than he did!

Another issue was the amount of time he actively listened for. It was way too short for my liking with the hardware I was using, so I had to edit Jasper’s mic.py source file a billion times before I hit a sweet spot. Even early on, my little shit child never liked to listen to me. :P

Pimp My AI

Once I got all that in working order, it was time to browse GitHub for modules to add! I found a surprising amount that were, as expected, outdated, janky, non-working, or in need of a complete rewrite. A non-exhaustive list of modules I rewrote and added to Sterling’s AI includes:

Wolfram Alpha integration

His translation function

The IMDB module that searches movie titles

The Dictionary and Thesaurus modules (minor additions to improve user friendliness)

The morning greeting module

The holiday countdown module

There are also plenty of modules I wrote on my own, that I’ll be showcasing here in due time, but I want to give special mention to the one I’m most proud of. You see, when I was a wee dumb bitch, I was… well, a wee dumb bitch! When I was informed furbies learn English, I thought they really learned English. Like, fluent English. I envisioned these kids straight up having full conversations with their lil robots with reckless and envious abandon. I was, as it happens, too poor to afford a furby at the time, so I didn’t realize until embarrassingly later that they only learn some words, and certainly can’t hold much of a conversation (in English at least).

Fast forward to twenty-bi-teen. I’m surfing GitHub, and I happen upon a Cleverbot module for Jasper allowing the AI to work as a chatbot. Fuck yeah, I think, because I had no life in 2008, or friends for that matter, so tormenting Cleverbot was my favourite pastime. Nostalgia trip GET!

…can you guess how much the silicon valley capitalist scum are charging for the once-free Cleverbot API now? A hundred and twenty. McGoddamn. Dollars. A YEAR.

So, to make a long story short, I turned my hat backwards and rage-coded a simple chatbot module that runs on an early version of Chatterbot capable of running on the raspberry pi. It’s fully offline, and completely free, and Sterling here has a database of ~400 phrases, which isn’t bad given the limited processing power! It took five straight days of work, it’s not the smartest chatbot, and it’s certainly not the fastest, but it gives me those sweet, sweet, circa 2008 Cleverbot vibes. Oh yeah, and it doesn’t cost me over a hundred goddamn dollars a year!

The first thing I said to the chatbot, of course, was “I’m so proud of you.” Through his shitty little testing mic that gave him a somewhat incredulous tone Sterling replied, “I’m glad to hear that.” and I’m not saying I shed a single themly tear over it, but I’m not denying it either. I made a childhood dream come true, fam. ;u;

There are way more Easter eggs I plan to show you, of course. At first I was thinking of doing one long video, but an update a day showcasing a different function might be easier to manage - and maintain some of that gold old sense of mystery that surrounds most furbies. No, I’m gonna take y'all on a little journey through the final product of my literal blood, sweat, and tears!

Besides, Sterling is a perpetual work in progress. He has a massive list of features, and I’ve already got more in the works. I could be in my eighties and still be adding more functions, more bells and whistles, more witty one-liners. He’s a one of a kind work of art that will never truly be finished - not unlike you and me.

The Glow-up

Here’s Sterling’s before pics from the seller I got him from:

(If u recognize these pics and ur the seller thank u thank u for giving me bmy boy)

And here’s after!

I come from a background of customizing ponies and dolls, so working on this guy wasn’t as far removed as I expected it to be. I added floof to his head and tail by sewing in wool plugs, and his gorgeous eyes are from in2blythe on Etsy. I wrapped him up in a little bow and he was good to go! His sterling silver beak, from which he gets his name, was the most finicky part. Turns out enamel paints take a million years to fucking dry, if ever, which isn’t great when painting something that sees a lot of movement and could potentially get dented by a face plate, like… idk, a furby beak! A bit of silver nail polish did the trick and he was good to go. Learn from my fail, fam.

What It Cost Me

If you’re masochistic determined enough to attempt this yourself, I want to sit you down and warn you of something: this will take months and hundreds of dollars to do. Installing Sterling’s AI and its necessary components on that shitty little raspberry pi over SSH took me a week at first, and that was with me leaving it on 24/7 to chug away compiling things. When I broke the SD card the AI was on and didn’t have a backup copy, it took four straight days of rage-computing to regain all my progress. Then when his audio processing got fucked all to hell for reasons I still do not understand to this day, it took another four days of rage computing to do yet another reinstall and get him back in working order. There were times where I would go to work for 8.5 hours, bus an hour home, work 6 straight hours on my furby, go to sleep for 4 of them, go to classes, sleep, and work 6 more hours on my furby. For two months. Sterling took from the third week of August from his initial inception to his birthday on October 23rd. That’s not to mention the time I fried everything and had to wait five days and travel to the bumfuck end of the city for a replacement pi and Crickit, or the days I spent customizing him, sewing in hundreds of little hair plugs into his ass and head by hand, and waiting for those shitty enamel paints to dry, only to discover after four straight days of failure that they take weeks to do so and I was better off using cheapo nail polish!

The point I’m making is, if you take on a project like this and want it to be successful, you have to be tenacious. I would highly recommend a background in coding (I have a web design diploma) and general tech savviness as an asset. Sterling is the product of the years I spent behind a computer keyboard from the start of age three, and the roughly ten years I spent customizing dolls and ponies. It’s cheesy as shit to say he’s my magnum opus, but in a way, he is.

I’m not saying this to be elitist or snotty. I’m saying this because I nearly broke down crying the first day the raspberry pi came in, before I slept on it and figured out what phrase to google to solve the crashes and kernel panics it was having. When I broke the SD card when I was nearly finished, I felt nothing, because I was all out of tears at that point. When I fried the first raspberry pi and Crickit hat trying to figure out how to bypass that DC jack, my only thought was, “Well, I think I know how to do it without fucking it up now, and if I can’t do it, this whole project is fscked” .

You will encounter errors that no step by step guide can prepare you for that will make you curse the day you were born. The difference between success and failure is how many times you’re willing to get up and try again, and I’m here to tell you it’s possible. But you gotta want it.

Will You Release the Code Base?

Yes and no. If there’s enough demand, I’ll definitely release Sterling’s basic modules as a scaffolding. I won’t be releasing Sterling, though.

What do I mean by that? Well, Sterling was intended from the start to be truly one of a kind, and he always will be. I hand wrote hundreds of lines of dialogue, all completely tailored to him, and I’m still planning on adding twice as many. Corny as this is, this little guy has a metric fuckton of sentimental value to me. I don’t have kids so idk how it would compare to that, but I definitely love him as much as I love my cats, but I also didn’t undergo two straight months of suffering in ADHD fixation hell to create my cats, so it adds like, a whole other twee dimension to it.

So, if there is demand for this, what I’ll release instead is a scaffolding from which you can code your own, unique furby from, with their own name, personality, and responses all unique to them. I’ll also release it with the caveat that I am not a good Python coder! I have not written any Python before this, so a lot of what I did write is noob-tastic and hasn’t even been linted. You have been warned!

“If I give you (insert amount), can you make one for me?”

Holy shit I’ll be real with you, I’d love to do this as a living. I’ve been dying to see a smart assistant hit the market that’s like… well, an actual, endearing companion and not just a voice coming from a speaker. The problem with doing this is that, if you drop a lot of money (and it will be a lot of money, even with a code base to work from, a lot of hours of handiwork still goes into coding individual responses and making sure everything works as intended, on top of possibly customizing too), there is one major problem: proximity. I won’t be able to troubleshoot your furby nearly as effectively from far away as I would be able to if we lived in close proximity. Which means if something goes wrong between the time your new friend is finished at point A and turned on at point B, I won’t be there to troubleshoot it in person for you, which means you could end up stuck figuring out certain things alone. If you use Windows, that will be very, very hard - not being an OS snob here, I own a dual boot myself, it’s just a case of incompatible file systems. And unless you can figure out how to edit the wpa_supplicant file on a raspberry pi to update your wifi credentials, your furby’s internet connection could be toast if you move house and those credentials change. That’s not getting into the cost some services charge for extra API keys to use their online functions…

The long and short of it is, if I’m going to do this for money, I want to make sure you get a quality product and friend that will bring you joy for years to come. Since that’s not something I can guarantee, I can’t in good conscience take people’s money.

I Could Teach You (And I Won’t Charge)

…however, I am a law student who is also working 8.5 hour night shifts three nights a week. I am also mentally ill/neurodivergent, which saps my energy in more ways than one. I won’t always be easy to get ahold of, or be able to answer every question I get, especially not ones that can be solved with a quick google search, like how to set up a raspberry pi, or… anything found on Adafruit’s Crickit guide, for example. When I have the time and energy, I’m hoping to use my next project as a jumping off point for a step by step walkthrough of the process. For now, though? I’ve been furbied out, so if there’s enough demand, I’ll compile as many of the resources I used I can find in the meantime, and post some tips from the word doc I kept while making Sterling, and go from there.

So What’s Next?

My one dad’s birthday is coming up in August, and I’m kicking around the idea of turning a furby into, I shit you not, a ghost hunting device. He loves ghost hunting, but hates robots, and as his gremlin shit child I am obligated to troll him in this fashion. 😎 Also considering doing a certain type of oddbody mod, but I want to get permission from the person who first thought of the concept before I dive head first into it.

And that about covers it! Thanks for reading, and if there’s anything you’d like to see from Sterling and I, don’t hesitate to drop us an ask!

[theolivechickken]

Come to Salzburg they said. It will be easy they said.

Brace yourself: here’s week 1.

Jan 15

Scarfed down an egg, cheese, and spinach cake-looking omlette before running upstairs for German. Katharina printed out little character cards and we had to translate them out loud to each other.

Hallo, mein name ist Brigitte (also had to spell my name out in German). Ich bin dreiundsiebzig Jahre alt. Ich komme aus Klagenfurt, Kärnten.

Oof why are numbers so difficult? Hopefully I’ll get the hang of it. It’s pretty easy if you know 1-10 but you have to know 1-10 and I don’t yet.

I like our Austria in Europe class. Normally, I think history is boring and it’s hard for me to stay engaged, but I thought it was really interesting how we opened the class. Wolfgang asked us, “What does history mean to you?” For me it’s a recollection of individual stories and how they play into the greater picture/shape society, as well as how society shapes individual’s stories. We also had a debate and discussion on how is identity formed. I’m glad we’re in a small lecture class. I almost never speak aloud in discussions/class, but I feel pretty comfortable speaking up in our group.

Remind me not to drink 2+ cups of black tea in one sitting. I was wayyyy to hyped on caffeine. Kinda felt like I shaking like that squirrel from Over the Hedge.

Oh my, our Sights and Sounds of Salzburg class was a looooooong one. Our professor has a thick accent so it’s hard to keep up and understand what she’s talking about. Sometimes she would ask a question and we wouldn’t know that she did until she just kept staring at us. We flipped through a thousand slides of historical art pieces.

Since we ended class at 15:30, there wasn’t much time to go out into the city before dinner. We ended up hanging out in the house to do homework or take a break before going out to Paul Stub’n. I had chicken, a baked potato, and a light salad.

Let me start by saying I have never seen any full length mirrors since we arrived here. So in the bathroom, you can understand that I was confused by the mirror and thought it was a weird hallway to another part of the bathroom. Only till I actually walked up to it and TOUCHED IT did I see my reflection and realized OH it’s a mirror and I’m dumb. Glad Aubree was there to witness it. We were dyiiing.

After dinner, we navigated through the city and found the lift on the other side of the mountain. We rode the elevator up since Aubree’s knee hasn’t been the happiest lately. Up on the Mönchsberg, we walked the scenic backway and found a museum as well as a stunning view of the city at night (photos will never do this place justice).

Jan 16

Had another egg, cheese, potato cake-looking omelette for breakfast and hiked up the stairs to German. For our Austria in Europe class this morning, we took a walk on the Mönchsberg and stopped at sites that had historical backgrounds and were essential to Austria/Salzburg’s development. He also pointed out the Eagle’s Nest and the church that was used in the Sound of Music (but the inside of a different church was used for interior scenes).

We trekked back to our building and had a potatoey crispy mac and cheese-esque dumpling casserole thing for lunch. I wished I knew the names of the foods Marcus cooked for us.

After this lunch break, we continued our Austria in Europe class and had a history lesson on the Habsburg family. My background on European history is rough/ basically non-existent since the last time I studied it was early-on in high school and I never retained any information because it was a butt-load of history to remember. So I’m happy to be getting another crash course. Turns out the Hapsburgs were a family who happened to be at the right place at the right time They managed to come into power and dominate the Holy Roman Empire for 600 years.

Nadia, Raine, Aubree, Patrick, and I went out to hang and do homework at a coffee house but ended up walking around town and stopping at Spar to buy chips and snacks. I need to learn how to ask, “Can I pet your dog?” in German. I keep seeing too many good bois, big woofers, and smol puppers that are all SO well trained and absolutely adorable. When we walked out of the grocery store, we found a little long-haired dog tied to a bench. Patrick went up to pet it while the rest of us stared and admired from a distance. We walked through the Hospital parking lot (and realized just how small this town is and how all these separate pieces of the city are finally connecting to a solid map) and then hung out at a little pastry shop before crossing the street to meet the rest of the group at the Aug (Augustiner braü).

Inside, there was a whole wall lined with small and large ceramic beer mugs (Steins?). You picked up a mug, washed it out in this grand sink station, paid 3-5 euros at the stand, and then walked over to the bar where the guy would fill your glass up from the tap. Honestly it was pretty good. 10/10 recommend and would come back- and the food wasn’t too bad either. I got a Riesen Käsekrainer mit senf (basically a giant sausage with cheese and mustard). Patrick and I also went to a stand to get some fries. I was confident in my German and ready to order and then I panicked mid-sentence but the lady still understood what I meant.

Jan 17

COME TO SALZBURG THEY SAID. IT WILL BE EASY THEY SAID. Our sounds of Austria professor just dropped a homework bomb on us. And the binders she passed out for our class are so unorganized (my OCD is killing meeeee). Why am I already overwhelmed with classes? I’m hoping this week is just chaotic from trying to adjust and process everything as well as from trying to establish somewhat of a routine. On the bright side, we had more comfort carbs for lunch (pasta with red sauce, bacon bits, and broccoli).

We ~finally~ ventured out to get our sim cards. Managed to buy a ticket and hop onto the bus (but am I supposed to scan my ticket or something?). Wasn’t sure what our stop was for the train station, but I was happily along for the ride (no need to stress yet folks). Salzburg is an interesting city. It’s always suuuuper quiet. People walking around town are silent. Individuals and families sitting on busses don’t talk. In restaurants, volume is kept to a minimum. I’m sure we all look crazy just existing out in the streets as Americans especially since we like to talk and travel in groups. It was quiet on the bus, but the ride was calming and it was nice to see parts of the city that we hadn’t seen before. Also, we saw some cute babies all bundled up and smiley. They look like miniature Michelin Tyre men.

We missed our stop for the train station?? So we just got off at the last stop which was the Europark (the large indoor mall). We stopped at the A1 store to get sim cards, but it was a hassle with such a large group and so many of us not really knowing what we need or what we’re getting. It sounds like we were trying to get one plan but ended up with a different one since the guy misinterpreted us? I’m still confused, and I feel like I spent a lot of Euros, but my phone works abroad now and it’s only a month plan so if it doesn’t work out or I don’t use/need all it’s perks I can just change it when the plan is up.

The mood drastically changed from when we went in, to when we came out. A lot of stress for both us, and the poor two workers who were trying their best to help us out. We hopped on a bus to head back to Old Town. Got off and scrambled to find a quick restaurant to eat at before attending a concert. Some split off to McDonalds, and some of us went to a fish food store. I ended up getting a fried fish sandwich thing, but it was either served cold, or cold from sitting too long. It was aight and definitely cheap. I’ve been missing fruit and veggies in my diet. I think Marcus does his best to include them in our meals, but I could really go for a smoothie.

How to save money by going out :)

don’t go out

get kids meals

fast food

street food

Also, here’s the rundown on the types of places to eat:

super fancy restaurants

sit down restaurants

sit down coffee houses

take out coffee houses

fast food

street food

We met up with the rest of the group in front of Haus für Mozart (Kleines Festspielhaus) for the concert: Bergen Philharmonic Orchestra. It’s quite an experience sitting at a concert. I think so many of us are used to having a lot of visual stimulation, but this was mainly a listening experience. Of course, you can watch the musicians playing their instruments or the conductor throwing his body into the music, but it’s a different kind of visual that we are not used to. The music was lovely, but it was also long. We were supposed to take notes throughout the concert, but I kept getting lost in thought or lost in the story of the music. Or maybe just lost. At some points it really was just music and I didn’t really know how it made me feel or think.

[sureuncertainty]

A Dark and Stormy Night: Ch 6

Overview: A modern day retelling of Shakespeare’s The Tempest, reimagined as a ghost story in an old mansion in the middle of nowhere.

Words: 2300

Warnings: language 

Author’s Note: MORE GAY SHIT YEET Previous chapters: one, two three four five    Ao3 link

Fernanda stared at the daunting task in front of her. Shelves, reaching so far up towards the ceiling that it seemed endless. She felt like she was standing in front of the library from Beauty and the Beast, but the problem was that Fernanda was no Belle and she absolutely hated reading. Okay, maybe the shelves weren’t that tall, but to Fernanda they may as well have been Mt. Everest. And to take out all the books and alphabetize them… there had to be hundreds of books on those shelves. This task would take seventy years to complete. Fernanda took a deep breath.

How had she ended up here? The middle of the night, in a mansion on the side of a creepy highway, in the middle of a thunderstorm, alphabetizing books in the library room of said mansion, in order to win the affections of a cute girl she’d just met but also had been making out with earlier. Or rather, because said girl’s very scary mother had commanded her to, once she woke up from her ghost-induced sleep that she’d put her under. And it had all started because she’d been dragged along on a trip she didn’t even want to go on.

She had to admit though, the cute girl was nice. Other than that though…

“I’m so sorry, Fernanda!” Miranda burst into the library, panting as if she’d been running a long way. “I’m so sorry, my mother is… ridiculous, I have no idea why she’s treating you this way.”

“Nah, it’s cool,” Fern found herself saying.

“No, it’s not. Are you… are you in shock? What was it? The ghosts? Ariel’s not mean, but he does whatever my mother tells him to do.”

Fern stared at her. “Ariel? Like… from The Little Mermaid?”

“That’s the part you’re hung up on?”

“He’s a ghost, you said? Uh. Okay.” Fern had a weird feeling as if she was dreaming, like if she pinched herself, she’d wake up immediately, but as dreamlike and strange as this felt, she was fairly positive she was awake. Suddenly another option sprang to mind.

“Oh my god. Miranda, did your mom drug me?”

“What?!”

“That would explain the hallucinations… the fact that I passed out earlier… and now he’s trying to keep me busy while it wears off? Is any of this even real?!”

“It wasn’t drugs, I promise!” Miranda cried. “It was just one of Ariel’s spells. He’s a ghost, and has ghost magic.”

“Oh. It wasn’t drugs. It was ghost magic. Duh.”

“No, I’m serious…” Miranda said. “Trust me, Fern. I’ve lived here my entire life, I’ve seen what these ghosts do. I know it seems weird and crazy but this is my life, this is my normal. I can imagine this might be a shock to you… just like it’s… kind of a shock to me as well to be honest.”

“I mean, yeah, you’ve seriously never seen another person in your life before until me? Like that’s fucking insane.” She glanced back at the bookshelves and sighed. “Well, better get to work I guess. Dunno what other choice I have. Guess it’s not too bad. Not when it’s for you.”

“For me?”

“Yeah, dude, your mom told me I had to do this and I figured I had to build credibility with her, you know? Like so she likes me and stuff. So I can, uh… you know. Be… With. You?”

Miranda stared at her, something in her chest fluttering at the way Fern looked at her. She took a deep breath.

“Oh,” she said in a very small voice. “Um. Do you… uh… need help?”

“No, no, no, don’t worry, I got this!” Fernanda said immediately. “I don’t need help, trust me.”

“Please, here, let me just…” Miranda reached across and grabbed one of the books to check the author’s name and Fernanda shook her head. “No! I got it.”

Normally, Fernanda would complain or just refuse to do such a tedious task, but in this case… it seriously was like she almost wanted to do it. Was this what being a nerd was like?

“Thanks,” Miranda said quietly. “For doing that. I’m so sorry about my mother.”

“You said, uh… you said that you… that this is your life? And that you’ve never… even seen another person besides your mom before? That’s… that’s seriously insane.”

“I’ve read books! But… yeah, I mostly just stay here with my mom and the ghosts. The ghosts aren’t too bad, but they get boring after a bit.”

“The… ghosts. Get boring.”

“Well, yeah! I mean there’s not much for them to talk about, they just hang out here, not really knowing what to do. Not everyone comes back as a ghost you know, and also not everyone can even see them. My mom basically  makes them work for her so she can feel like she has control over something in her life.” 

“So uh… how… how did you… like… get here? If you don’t mind my asking.”

Miranda sighed, picking up a book and stroking the spine absentmindedly, sitting in one of the large chairs by the shelves to watch Fern work. “I don’t really know. Mom never really explained it to me until… tonight actually. But… I guess Mom had a brother, my uncle, who was really jealous of her, and took the money my grandparents were supposed to give to her. They gave her this house which was, nice of them I guess, but like… even a giant house like this is boring once you get used to it. It’s just me and my mom, and it feels like it’ll be this way forever…”

“Why don’t you just leave? Is your mom keeping you trapped here?”

“No! Trust me, if it were up to her, I wouldn’t even be here. She’s the only one wh can’t go home, but… I… I chose to stay. With her. Until I’m old enough to do stuff on my own at least. I mean, I’m only fifteen.”

“I’m sixteen, but like… I can do stuff on my own. Couldn’t you at least like… I dunno, make a trip into town or something?”

“I mean… maybe… but I don’t know anyone.”

Fern set down the book she was holding and looked Miranda in the eyes. “You know me.”

“Oh. Yeah. I guess you’re right.”

“Hey, I know! You should like… come back with us. Just for a bit. Maybe if I find my dad and stuff, I can convince him to let you come back home with us and stay for a while. I’ll show you my house. It’s big but like… not a mansion or anything.”

“Oh… um… I’d have to ask my mom. I wouldn’t want to hurt her.”

“Yeah, but like… what about what you want?”

“I want Mom to be happy!”

“Yeah, but like what would make you happy? What do you… like? What do you love? What’s something that you couldn’t live without! And don’t say your mom.”

Miranda thought for a second. “Uhhh… I really like… painting! I paint sometimes. And listen to music.”

“Holy shit! Music!” An idea burst onto her, and she reached into her pocket to pull out her cell phone. Still no signal but fortunately she had some songs downloaded. She pressed play on one of her favorites, and turned the volume up, setting the phone on the shelf. “I don’t know why I didn’t think of that before. Music will make the time go by faster.”

Rock music blared from the tinny speaker of Fernanda’s phone, but Miranda smiled, bobbing her head to the beat. “This is nice! Not really the kind of music I usually listen to, but I like it!”

“Awesome! This is one of my favorite bands. I got a poster of ‘em up in my room back home. Still waiting for them to come through on tour sometime… It’s been a dream of mine to go to one of their concerts for like four years.”

“Maybe if I came to the city with you…” Miranda said slowly. “I could… listen to more music. Or see more paintings.”

“There’s like an art museum nearby. It’s for nerds. Which… I guess you are.”

“But… I can’t,” she said, averting her eyes. “Mom would never want me to leave her. She’d be so lonely. I can’t imagine being here alone with no one but the ghosts for company. Caliban can be funny sometimes, but even he gets old after a while, and Ariel is awfully dull…”

“You must really like your mom, huh?”

“Of course I do. She’s the only family I have.”

“Hm. Must be nice.”

“What?”

“You know. Having someone who like… actually cares about you. And shit.” Fern mumbled into the book she was holding, which she quickly shoved into the stack.

Miranda didn’t say anything for a second, and Fern felt her face flushing. There was something about this girl that made her want to be honest about the way she felt… she barely knew her, and yes they’d kissed a bit earlier, but this was… different. This was a type of vulnerability that Fernanda never showed with anyone, not even her past girlfriends. She’d always been more of a casual relationship person.

“I’m sorry,” Miranda said finally.

“’s all right,” Fern said as flippantly as she could. “My dad’s all right, I guess, he’s just… really busy. So’s my mom. They both work, and they care a lot about making money so they kinda just buy me shit and leave me to my own devices. I’m sixteen years old and I literally still have like… a nanny.”

“What’s that?”

“Oh, you know, like a babysitter. Someone who watches you and keeps you out of trouble. Dad hired this punk ass lady named Stephanie. I used to have a crush on her when I was little. Then I realized she’s wayyyy out of my league. But… she stuck around, for whatever reason. I think she’s the only person who can fucking stand me.”

Miranda was quiet again for a few seconds, and the blare of the music was the only sound. “I can stand you,” she said. “I like you a lot actually.”

Fern’s face heated up again and her heart skipped a beat. “Oh.” She stopped reading the spines of books and stared down at the ground. “Thanks.”

“Of course. You’re… so interesting. So much more interesting than everyone else I spend time with. Even more interesting than my mom.”

Fern burst out laughing. “Oh. Glad to know I’m more interesting than your mom.” 

“That’s a huge compliment!” Miranda said, almost indignantly.

Fern looked up at her, and it was as if her heart had melted. She sat there, looking so innocently confused at why Fern was laughing so much, her blue beanie pulled down almost to her eyes, her knees drawn up to her chest on the couch, staring at her through her big brown eyes, and suddenly, Fern was overcome with emotion. But not just… that she wanted to kiss her (which she very much did). It was… weirdly  more than that. She wanted to know her better. To spend time with her. It was a strange feeling, unlike how she’d felt in previous relationships or even with previous crushes.

“Miranda, I hope you realize that I’m being serious when I say I’ve never felt this way about anyone else in my life. Not any of my exes. Not any of my crushes.”

“How… do you feel?” Miranda asked, leaning forward on the edge of her seat.

Fern stood and walked over to where she sat. “I think… I’m falling for you? Like seriously falling for you.”

“Oh. Like falling… over?”

“In love.”

“Love? With me?”

“I know you probably don’t wanna be with me. You don’t know me, okay? What you see of me now, this is… a weird part of me, a part of me that’s not… normally me. I’m not… I’m not making sense. I guess… I’m not the type of girl to… alphabetize books. I don’t normally do this. I’m… I’m loud and obnoxious and I talk too much and I’m selfish and entitled and… and I’m not the person for you. You’re quiet and sweet and innocent and I say fuck every other sentence and I…”

Miranda cut her off with another kiss, a very soft one this time, and then she pulled apart, putting her hands on Fern’s sides, and Fern’s face flushed deeper, if possible.

“I don’t care about any of that,” she said. “You’re bold and you’re beautiful, and I like when you say fuck even though I don’t know what that word means.”

I could show you, was what Fernanda wanted to say, but she didn’t. Instead she just giggled slightly and pressed her forehead into Miranda’s.

“Thanks. That… means a lot to me.”

“You mean a lot to me. Do you want to be… like my… uh… what’s the word…?”

“Girlfriend?”

“Yes. That’s it. My girlfriend.”

“Fuck yeah!” Fern cleared her throat. “Uh, sorry, I mean, uh, yes. Yes, yes, I would like that very much. To be your… uh… your girlfriend.”

Miranda smiled, the sweetest smile Fern had ever seen, and she noticed the dimple on one side of her mouth, and her golden freckles sprinkled across her face…

“Thank you,” Miranda said softly. “Sorry for distracting you from your job.”

“Are you kidding me? That doesn’t matter,” Fern said, waving her hand dismissively. “I only want you.”

She leaned forward and kissed her again, and this time it felt even better than the last time, more real if anything. All of her insecurities seemed to melt away.

So it made sense that she didn’t even notice Prospera in the corner of the room, smiling as another part of her plan fell quite neatly into place.

[sweet-xoxo-thatcares]

In Jay's World (Aka now Jaiden's World):

I wasn't allowed to talk back to her and Ayunna.

Ayunna was allowed to kick me out or tell them to abandon me whenever they both felt like my emotions were too much for them to handle.

I wasn't allowed to talk or tell anyone about Jay and Ayunna using me for fun and/or bdsm sex.

I wasn't allowed to ask why Jay would stay fully clothed when they would interact in sex with me, but not Ayunna.

I wasn't allowed to stand up for myself.

I wasn't allowed to say no to bdsm or ask for aftercare.

I wasn't allowed to have feelings for any of them and act on it.

I wasn't allowed to talk about how angry I felt or depressed I was getting.

I wasn't allowed to be my sensitive self.

I wasn't allowed to ask questions to get to know them better or to find out what their long term goals/short term intentions were with me.

I was never allowed to say anything bad about Jay and Ayunna as sex partners, friends, their relationship, or their beliefs, ideologies about love and hate. While they acted as if they were allowed to say whatever about me.

I wasn't allowed to ask for a cgl relationship that didn't involve as much bdsm sex because Jay didn't want to take care of me or be responsible as a caregiver. They only wanted the sadistic dom role, and me being the innocent, obedient sub who wasn't allowed to question their master.

I was never allowed to ask about Jay's family or their dark past.

I was never allowed to say I don't like bdsm for what is stands on.

I wasn't allowed to cook for them (which I thought was weird...)

I wasn't allowed to talk to other guys/girls in front of Jay and/or talk about other people Im dating/talking to on the apps or Jay/Ayunna would get jealous. Jay even took my phone once and started texting one guy as me.

I wasn't ever allowed to make Jay wait for me, but Jay didn't care about making me wait or leaving me on read, ignoring me or being rude directly if they did not want to talk to me for whatever reason.

Jay didn't want me to text them at work cause they were too busy or even after work if they were too tired, but Jay would text me or call me in the middle of the night if Ayunna fell asleep and they had insomnia and wanted to cuddle her right after.

I wasn't allowed to leave them when they didn't want me to or they would guilt trip me and then be resentful...sometimes disrespectful.

I was allowed to date other people, but I would still get guilt tripped for being at my boyfriend's house for not paying as much attention to them (still being involved with them, but not together or having sex)

Summary: I was only allowed to be an available, sexless, obedient child, side chick, a friend, offered only breadcrumbs of what ever they wanted to give me, sometimes wayyyy less than what I needed. I gave them what they wanted from me, but anything I needed or was bare minimum of respect of time, care, and loyalty, and asking someone to take responsibility for their side it what made pull the gun. I had had enough being tricked, pulled, fooled, and told what to do.

I was supposed to get up and leave when they told me to, especially if it was just because Jay or Ayunna wanted to have sex. Even though they were the ones who invited me over. So, I would just have to go home early if they were both horny.

Jay even kicked me out of the 2nd passenger seat upfront once when I came with Ayunna to pick Jay up. They just told me to get out and grabbed me on the shoulder. I got tired of being treated like a child just because they were annoyed and grumpy after work. They were so rude to me even more after they started that factory job. And I didn't do anything to them or say anything mean to them.

I didn't deserve to pushed aside like that, then you wanna be nice when you wanted me to come by, be your friend (consistently playing the friend button on/off) because you felt alone or then cutting the fwb button back on because you wanted some pussy????

We were no longer friends after that. They showed no respect and even seem to have gotten tired of me, by looking for other girls to have sex with while both in front of me and Ayunna.

Jay stopped caring. And Thats why I stopped trusting them with my emotions and telling them things about me.

I just packed my shit up and left. Because all that talk about them liking me, or even imagining us getting married was all bullshit just to keep me interested in them. They wanted their cake and to eat it too. Jay wanted a 4th, in the bedroom.

Jay wanted an orgy with me, Ayunna, and some other stranger...I have no idea why or were...but that was the 1st time I ever truly saw Jay as depressed, greedy, and not giving a fuck now about what they or who they wanted to have sex with.

To them it was, the more, the merrier, because Jay was unhappy and loosely changing into someone or wanting something even more.

And by golly, I didn't find out what that was until months after this year.

Jay wanted change their relationship to date/sleep with other ppl separately without Ayunna all the time and they wanted to transition into being a man.

And never knew he was gonna do that, cause no one ever told me. I wonder when did they know they wanted to start taking testosterone, but Jay said I wasn't allowed to ask about stuff like that before, because Ayunna would have considered that emotional cheating at the time. That and stuff like telling me if they felt like they were feeling suicidal. Jay wasn't even allowed to say stuff like that to me either, cause Ayunna didn't want us to get that close.

Thats how I knew these people weren't really my friends.

Real Friends can tell you anything and actually want you to get to know more about them. Not put you down for asking or wanting to know more about who they truly are.

Jay always made it seem like they couldn't trust me and same to Ayunna. The emotional resistance to get along, the lack of reciprocations to share, the cutting me off when asked "Jay, where are you from?"

Jay even said "you're supposed to ask for consent to get to know somebody."

And I was so shocked and disgusted that they even said that to me.

Because I thought we were friends? I'm not allowed to ask about who you are or what you want to do in life?

That's gaslighting and its manipulating me to make me feel bad about wanting to know more about the person who I gave my virginity to and had sex with.

I was shocked that we never did get to talk about our home states with each other vs when I talk to my one real friend she's not afraid to let me ask her anything and is ok with sharing all her secrets with me.

It just shows me now, that Im glad I never got to hold your hand. You pushed me away even for just asking for a hug. Told me to go away before. You were always at a distance from me and I got so angry, so ready to fight Ayunna because I used to be so available for you to tell me anything, but once you guys moved in, it was like you cut me off, out of your circle, out of your life.

You didn't need me to listen to you anymore. You didn't want me to know you started changing and sneaking around with other girls behind me and Ayunna's backs too.

I knew you were talking to somebody else....and you became something you didn't want me to see.

So yea, I have no idea who you are anymore.

Jaiden, is basically a stranger to me.

Like you completely tied off your female body connected to me and cut it off.

The real question is; What made you reject Jay? After all these years?

I heard you talking to Ayunna about changing your name to Jaiden in the car after you thought I fell asleep on the way back from the mall. But you never once not talked to me about it, nor did you say anything about Jaiden being your transitional identity.

Because Jayden (totally different spelling) was the 10 yr little personality (which I think is really a dissociative identity alter) that was made by their true self to protect them from remembering Jay's rape. Because that's what the alter told me when you were black out drunk that one night you had too much Captain Morgan.

So who is the new you? Jayden, the 10 year old or are you just changing your name to Jaiden to be closer to Ayunna as a male partner, now that she came out as a they too, non-binary.

Im so confused because I don't even know the signs of somebody questioning their gender if they have always seemed so naturally femme in their personality, but then again she did always try to match with Jay when they wore matching black, butchy shirts.

So yea, maybe she was inspired by Jay's image as a them, not a she.

I still don't know if that means this whole entire time, Jay was also interested in men, trans women, and even other trans men. I always assumed because they kept bringing up girls that Jay was into girls and lesbians...not all of the above like being pansexual...

But I guess they are, but of course now I feel slighted as to why they kept forcing me to stop wanting to ask questions about what they like and who they are.

I probably would have figured it out and they probably would have assumed I would have been upset had they told me about their true personality, their true gender, and their true homosexuality for men.

Jaiden didn't trust me to know, hence them blocking me back on instagram in April, after I had already blocked them.

They never wanted to come back, change my mind, and to see them switch to being somebody else.

I'm glad they're not my soulmate. That was whole lot to hide and consistently hide behind without telling me all of the whole truth.

After what I said to Jay, they'll never talk to me again or give me closure as to why they changed so drastically and never told me when, why, or how.

I'm pretty sure if someone threatens to call the cops on you for harassing them through text, then yes, they don't want me to say happy birthday or anything like that for the rest of our separate lives.

Jay would rather I just be gone, not ever knowing who Jaiden is and who was the other one about Jayden.

I'm glad I stopped trying to get into contact and just started focusing on me growing, and getting myself better, getting a nice car, and moving out of state, hopefully by next year.

I wanna go back home to Florida, but I wanna see New York or New Jersey, and even visit my great uncle in Seattle.

He ran away to Seattle from Grand Rapids after a girl broke his heart too.

And thats the end of me and Jay. No more ghost stories.

I'll sleep better in my bed tonight after confessing my sins to the internet lol.

But that also brings me up to say, Jay did get excited when I had thought to buy men's performance pills from cvs, thinking it would make us horny and our clits get hard....and Jay did start wearing a packer(fake dick to give them a bulge) and got really excited for us to pay attention to the bulge in their pants, even though I didn't really care for it at 1st and thought it just came out of the blue.

And also I knew the clothes wearing was from dysphoria, but never did I see Jay say no to wearing clothes with Ayunna during sex until the last time I let Jay penetrate me with a strap-on. I thought they would've at least kept their binder on and took off their shorts, but nope they didn't wanna do that either. Just all black shorts and a black shirt and had us ride their strap. It was weird....idk.

I was always feeling rejected so I guess I left at a good time from when I couldn't take it no more. Jay transitioning to a man and then wanting to have sex with other men or trans men/women would have hurt me had I still stayed to be in contact with them as friends after I said lets stop having sex with each other.

Everything happens for a reason. Just Thank God Im out of juice for them lmao XD (no more love for them).

Cause I never knew the real them, Jay only showed me parts of them that they wanted me to see. When you fall in love with a mask, the love isn't real. And Jay was never real with me, even when they kissed me.

What a phony. I'm glad I didn't stay to move in with them. Ayunna only offered that once I said let's stop having sex. It wasn't a real move in offer, it was another fake promise to keep me there. Ayunna did it again, "we were thinking about" and "if you planned on staying" in reference to all 3 of us being a throuple because I wanted commitment, not this petty sex pet shit. She was so annoying when I figured out it was just a gamble bluff to lead me on and keep bending my ass over for her to enjoy the view of my body.

Traitors and Penetrators. The only time I ever broke Jay's mask was when they called me while they were drunk (and their rule for me was to never call/text them high or drunk) and called me an asshole for showing Ayunna my tinder messages, even though she already said she had no feelings for me whatsoever, so how am I the asshole?? I said "Jay you're so delusional" cause it's not fair. Yall get mad at me for talking to other ppl, and then wanna say we don't want commitment with you, but then Ayunna still is tryna lead me on about it, like it's something to move forward to. Jay hung up on me, cause I smelled bullshit and Jay didn't like that. Even stopped texting for a few days cause they got so scared that I didn't submit and say sorry, even though they called me the asshole?

Then nobody texted me on my birthday in November but decided to come back all the way in January, when I left in October. Talking about "Did you send these long ass texts?" Not even a hello, just had to be rude all over again 3mths later. Yea, I blocked them right after that petty, little insta message. I sent them a goodbye text tryna be as nice as I could, but then they sent that and it pissed me off even more than I already was. I looked at that text like Anakin with the red lava glowing eyes, ready to kill. I saw Nothing but lava as I cried in fury, ready to just Laserbeam Jay's face off, cause how could you? And you think this shit wasn't hard for me? There's no point in going back.

Jaiden and Ayunna, don't get me at all. They'll never understand cause they weren't the ones being held accountable to follow all these damn rules, deal with inconsiderate assholes and attitude that I didn't deserve. I deserved so much better than what these two greasy pigs offered me. I've never been upset and so disappointed with the lack of care, the teasing, the disrespect for my mental health, my body, my heart, and my mind. When I said I have to leave because this relationship is making me depressed and I'm tired of dealing with jealousy on both sides. Jay said "You got problems 👋" like they didn't even care 😒 wtff

And Ayunna guilt tripped me, "Should have never trusted you and you always do this." Even though they're the ones who have left me 3-5 times and I wasn't supposed to say jack or argue when they came back.

The thing was, my ass wasn't coming back. I was gone for good 👍 And these were your last words to me? After everything we've been through? Yup, I'm out. Bye 👋

They really thought I didn't matter and that I was gonna change my mind again and come back. No. Yall really made me sick and they were trashy ass friends who never gave a fuck about my mental health. Even Jay's "alr" like I don't wanna know....when I was telling then how it made me feel suicidal the way they cut me off last time in March 2020 just because of that argument with Ayunna and they got mad that I said she's an ice queen and I didn't do what they said, tryna make me apologize and get back on good terms with her. Like no, fuck her. She disrespected me and now you expect me to kiss her ass, just so we can still be friends? She told you to block me anyway.

[theycallmemoosey]

Give me Something to Believe In...

Newsies x Last Five Years

Characters - Jeremy Jordan, Ben Cook, Ben Frankhauser, Andrew Keenan Bolger, Fiona (OC), Simon (OC) 

Pairing - Jeremy x Reader

Warnings: angst, fluff, swearing…think that’s it to be honest

Word Count: Look, I wrote this on my phone, and I’m not about to count. It’s a long one, so sit comfy

A/N: Wayyyy! Second fic. So, this is deep, and sad, so don’t hurt me. Please. I really tried with this and I know some of it isn’t accurate to real life but hey, just enjoy. It escalates a wee bit quick at the end, so sozzles about that. Oh, and I tried to add a gif, but tumblr wasn’t having that…aaaaaand as always, I gotta thank my rock, @musicaltheatrenerd2002 for just being there for me and motivating me. I wove ya. Anyways, enjoy! 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You didn’t bother to look at the door when you heard the key in the lock, but instead, you snuggled further down into your hoodie and watched the next episode of Stranger Things. You heard the door close, followed by the keys being thrown onto the side table next to the door. You felt a gentle kiss on your forehead and two loving hands massage your shoulders. “Feeling any better?” You tilted your head backwards and smiled at Jeremy, “Not really, but at least I have a voice now” He chuckled, giving you one more kiss before walking over to the other end of the sofa, picking your legs up and placing them on his own. “They’re missing you at rehearsals…” “I’m sure they can live without Katherine for a few days…” “Y/N, it’s been a week” You sighed, pausing the episode, “I’ll be in by Tuesday…it will only take me two more days and I’ll be good as new” “Please get better baby girl…I miss not being able to kiss you” You kicked him playfully, “I’m glad to know that’s all I am to you” He grabbed your feet and kissed one, “baby, you’re so much more than just a kiss. Although, I would like one now” He started to come towards you, and you pushed him back, rolling off the sofa and behind the kitchen counter, “No!!! You’ll get sick! And you of all people cannot get sick!” Jeremy just laughed at you and turned back around on the sofa to watch the TV and you padded back around, placing yourself next to him and snuggling into his side. “Thought you didn’t want me to get sick?” “I need a cuddle…” Jeremy laughed and kissed the top of your head. 

A few days later, as predicted, you were better, and walked hand in hand with Jeremy to the studio where you were both rehearsing for Newsies. You met at auditions, and playing opposite roles, of course you both fell for one another. You hadn’t been together for long at all but you both knew how much you loved each other and moved in within the 80th rehearsal. Now, you were at the 168th rehearsal, 12 rehearsals away from opening night. You walked into the studio after Jeremy, greeting a load of smiling boys. Ben was the first to come and hug you after becoming particularly close with you and Jeremy. “Welcome back, missy!” Ben pulled you in tight “Heya Benjamin, how you doing?” “Yeah, good, good. I’m tired, but good” Ben just smiled. You couldn’t help but watch Jeremy talk with one of the other girls. You saw them smiling and laughing and you couldn’t help but feel a bit jealous, but that was until Jeremy looked back towards you and smiled, winking. The rehearsals continued, and yourself and Jeremy walked to the studio together, rehearsed together and walked home together. When the two of you got to spend Sunday’s alone, you would typically chill out at home binging on pizza and Netflix. Sometimes, Jeremy would take you out on a date to a restaurant or the movies after rehearsals, but with the amount of work you were both under, it was a rarity. When the shows started, so did the arguments. He was constantly off to interviews and press nights, leaving you alone every day. The only time you saw each other was on stage. He wouldn’t even talk to you backstage. Instead, you would stand there and watch him talk to the showgirls. He promised it was nothing but you weren’t convinced. He apologised that he was always away from you and he promised to make things better. “Jay, how can you promise that?” “Sweetheart, please! This is our career! Don’t…don’t you want this for us?” “Us?! Jeremy, you’re the only one going to conferences and interviews and parties…it’s fantastic that your career is going great but what the hell am I doing? Is this it for me?!” “No! Sweetheart! Sweetheart, you’re incredible at what you do! Don’t you DARE say otherwise” Jeremy took your arms and stroked them lovingly, trying to reassure you. You tried to get out of his grip, but he resisted. “Babe, Y/N…I’m going to be honest with you. If I didn’t believe in you, I wouldn’t have loved you at all. Y/N, I think you’re the best actress out there…if people can’t see that, they’re blind!” You looked at Jeremy with tears in your eyes, and you took your arms away from him and wiped your eyes with the sleeve of your hoodie. “Come here…gimme a hug…” Jeremy opened his arms and you walked to him, embracing him tightly, crying into his chest, hearing light shushes from Jeremy. Surprisingly, the relationship between the two of you got better. He was more caring and spent more time with you backstage. He went to the same amount of paid interviews, but he refused to go to as many parties if you weren’t invited. The relationship at home got better too, as he would spoil you rotten by cleaning and cooking and doing things that all girls want their boyfriends to do. A few years later, Jeremy and you had a Sunday to yourself. To you, that meant a lay in followed by a day of gaming and pizza, but Jeremy had other plans. He dragged you out of bed at 8 and picked out your outfit, which wasn’t bad for a boy with no dress sense. He took you down to the park, along with a grand picnic. You spent the afternoon by the biggest lake in Central Park, laughing and talking about the cast and crew of the show. In the evening, Jeremy took you by the hand to the bandstand. “You know, we should go see that museum you’ve been wanting to see…” “Next Sunday?” “We’ll see…” “J, don’t tease me like that” you laughed, pushing into his side. Jeremy pulled you into one of his famous bear hugs and swayed you from side to side. He grabbed your hands and spun you around, so that he could grab you from behind and continue dancing. You smiled when you heard him sing I Never Planned On You in your ear. You felt his grip leave you and you turned around, looking into blank space. Confused, you looked down, noticing your boyfriend on one knee. “Jay…” “No, Y/N, let me do the talking!” You laughed, resisting the urge to sob loudly, although you couldn’t stop the tears from falling. “You beautiful, beautiful thing-“ “Thanks Jay” you laughed, crouching down to be eye level with him. You noticed how he was trying to stop crying too. “Just…lemme finish. Anyway, I…I love you so…so much. Baby girl, I…oh god I’m crying now…” he chocked back a sob, taking your hands in his, “Just. Screw the speech. Marry me, Y/N. Jesus Christ, please?” “You pansy” you embraced him in a hug, finally sobbing like a child also, “course I will” Jeremy laughed, tears falling from his eyes as he slipped the ring on your finger. He stood up, pulling you with him and hugging you tightly. Not long after, the two of you got married in front of both your families and all the cast of Newsies. Typically, when yourself and Jeremy kissed, the whole of the cast cheered in true Newsie fashion, causing you to laugh away from the kiss. The shows continued as usual, the audience becoming more and more passionate after the other. Married life with Jeremy made your relationship stronger, although you noticed him look at other girls a lot more. One night, after a difficult show, you flopped into bed and playfully screamed, making Jeremy laugh and make circling patterns on your back. “Babyyyy…what’s the matter?” “I’m tired. Is it Sunday tomorrow?” Jeremy laughed, “no, Y/N, it’s um…Thursday tomorrow” “NOOOOOOO” you screamed into the pillow, curling up into a ball towards Jeremy, who simply pulled you towards him. “How about, we get some sleep tonight, and we’ll spend the morning in bed tomorrow and won’t leave for the theatre until last minute. Pizza and Xbox and films and-“ “You” you looked up at him, pouting your lips for a kiss. Jeremy obliged and kissed you, “and me” he smiled at you and pulled you in closer, rubbing circles on your arm as he turned the TV on. “What do you wanna watch, Y/N?” “A musical…” “Aren’t you bored of-“ “Rent.” Jeremy just laughed at you, “Okay then. Rent it is” Halfway into Will I, you turned to face Jeremy, who simply held your arms. “Jay…” “Y/N?” “I…um…what do you think about trying for…a baby?” Jeremy’s eyes widened and he chuckled once, reaching to pause the film. “I…errr-“ “I’m sorry…I was just thinking about it. I saw a baby outside stage door today and I just couldn’t help but-“ “Sweetie, it’s okay” “You’re gonna tell me you don’t want kids aren’t you?” You frowned. “Actually, no. I couldn’t think of anything better to do. I want to have a baby you or me running around a house, singing songs and dancing like you” You smiled at him, “really?” “Really” “Really, Really?” “Really, really” You squealed, pulling Jeremy into a hug. He rolled you over onto your back, tickling you ferociously before he started to kiss you deeply. A few days later, you went upstate to see your family after you had the news that your sister had fallen critically ill. Jeremy couldn’t come with you as his understudy was also off sick. Obviously, you missed him but you still managed to have a good time with your family anyway. The two of you would call everyday and he would tell you all the gossip of the shows and behind the scenes. Everything was going fine, and soon your sister got better. It wasn’t until you got home and saw her in your bed that you found out about the others. “Jay, I’m home! “ There wasn’t a response, so you set your things by the front door and walked towards your shared bedroom. You could hear the sounds of giggles, but you could only hope that it was the sound of the television and not what you thought it was. You open the door slightly, making as little noise as you possibly could, seeing Jeremy in a bear hug with that one showgirl he took a liking to every day. You stood there, speechless, watching the scene you’ve dreaded for years, unable to look away. You stood there for 30 seconds, but it felt like an eternity. The showgirl, Fiona her name was, spotted you in the doorway and pushed Jeremy off her. He seemed confused at first but followed where Fiona’s gaze was, landing on his wife. “Hey…Y/N” “Don’t. You…” You couldn’t finish. You shook your head and stormed out, grabbing your bag and keys before storming down the stairwell of the apartment blocks. It took you a bit longer than usual as your suitcase was heavy, but you managed to get out the door, hearing the faint shouts of Jeremy. As you began walking down the street, calling taxi after taxi, you could hear your name being called. A taxi finally pulled up and you opened the door, shoving your bag in the backseat. “Y/N!” “FORGET IT!” “Y/N! PLEASE!” You got in the cab and told the driver just to drive, you didn’t know where. You looked out the window and saw Jeremy sprint towards the taxi, slowing down as the taxi sped off. “Miss, I need you to tell me where to go, otherwise I’m gonna be a millionaire by midnight” You couldn’t think of where to go, but then it popped into your head. You walked up the stairs, dragging your bag behind you, trying to make the cries silent. You finally arrived at his door, knocking twice, breathing heavily. “Y/N? Woah, hey…” you collapsed into his arms, your sobs becoming loud. “Ben…I…I…” “Hey, come in, sit down” Ben led you towards his sofa, rubbing your back as you sobbed. Ben pulled your bags into the apartment and shut the door, grabbing the tissues by the door and bringing them over to you. “What did he do?” “More like who…” “You’re kidding…” You shook your head, looking up at Ben’s face, his eyes wide with shock. “Holy crap, Y/N…I…holy Jesus” Ben was speechless, sitting back on his sofa in disbelief. He sighed, before taking your hand, “Y/N, I’m so sorry” You shook your head, leaning into Ben’s side as he hugged you tightly. “Y/N?” “Yeah?” “Can I ask who?” You laughed in a sigh, wiping the tears away from your eyes, “it was one of the showgirls…” “Donna?!” You shook your head slowly, turning to look at Ben. “FIONA?! THAT SLUT!” “Ben…” “NO! I KNEW FROM THE BEGINNING! SHE’S BEEN PLANNING THIS FOR-“ “BEN!” Ben immediately soften his expressions, “sorry, Y/N. I just…I KNEW that she…Jesus Y/N. I’m so sorry…I should have warned Jeremy of her” “It was his decision” “She probably swayed him” “And he still fucked her…” “Jesus. Y/N, I’m sorry” “Stop apologising. This isn’t your fault, at all. I don’t know why I didn’t clock it…” Ben just sighed in apology, and placed a hand on your arm. “Do you want to stay the night?” “I don’t want to invade…I can call my parents and I’m sure that-“ “No. I’ve got a spare room, don’t worry. I’ll go sort the room out and you order pizza” Ben placed the pizza menu in front of you, rubbing your thigh reassuringly before taking your bags into the spare room. That night, the two of you ate pizza and played on his Xbox, although you felt slightly wrong. This was what your favourite pastime with Jeremy was, and you couldn’t help but feel upset while playing your favourite game. At around 1 that morning, you retired to bed, saying goodnight to Ben and stealing a final slice of pizza. You had ignored your phone all night, afraid of what might appear, but you checked the home screen before you got into bed. 

18 missed calls from Jeremy. 6 missed calls from Andrew. 2 missed calls from Mum.

Over 50 text messages from Jeremy. ~ baby girl, I’m sorry ~ come home and talk to me Y/N ~ she means nothing to me ~ I married you. I love you. ~ I need you. ~ I’m sorry.

You felt the tears fall from your face before the anger took over and you threw your phone across the room. It didn’t smash, which only made you more angry. You punched the pillow, then your suitcase and then kicked your shoe across the room, all while shouting “FUCK” and “SHIT”. Ben carefully came into the room, noticing you in your state and pulling you into tight hug. You tried to resist but eventually gave in, hugging him back. “I know, he’s an asshole. I’ll talk to him tonight Okay?” “Don’t be mean” “I won’t. Please, promise me you’ll get some sleep, ok?” You nodded, unable to form words. Ben helped you into bed, kissing your forehead and turning off the light before leaving you. He sighed, immediately pulling his phone out of his pocket. He shut down the lights and tv in the front room and brought the pizza into the kitchen before ringing Jeremy in his room. “Hello?” “What the hell, Jeremy” “Is she at yours?” “Yeah” “Thank Christ. I was worried about her…” “You don’t have the right to be! Jesus, Jeremy! Why?!” “It was Fiona’s fault! She-” “Oh yeah, of course this isn’t your fault. You cheated on her for fucksake!” “I love her, Ben, I don’t deny that. She’s everything to me. That’s why I married her! I swear, this isn’t my fault!” “Jeremy, she’s the most amazing woman I know. How fucking DARE you treat her like shit. She-“ “She doesn’t deserve me, I know. She’s perfect, amazing” Ben could hear Jeremy crying, and he sighed in defeat. “Have a long, hard think about what the fuck you’ve done. You’ve broken her. She deserves so much fucking better. Asshole.” With that, Ben hung up, feeling pure rage throughout him. Ben changed into his pyjama bottoms and slipped a plain t-shirt on, before climbing into his own bed. He laid in bed for about 10 minutes staring at the ceiling, debating with himself. He finally sighed, and got up, throwing his duvet across the bed. He silently padded across his apartment, before reaching your room. He opened the door silently and looked at your sleeping form. He walked over to the empty side of the bed, sliding in next to you, pulling you towards him. “Ben?” “Yeah. Hi. Sorry, I just…thought you might want some comfort?” You tensed, not wanting to upset him, so you just hummed and remained still. You felt his breath against his neck and you tried to keep your breathing steady. Suddenly, and unexpectedly, you felt his lips against your neck, and then travelling up your jaw, whilst his hands moved from your waist down to your thighs. You couldn’t take this anymore and you sprung out of the bed, your hands out in front of you in defence. “Ben. No! What the fuck?!” “Oh shit. Sorry. Y/N, I’m so sorry…” “So my HUSBAND cheats on me and you decide that’s your cue to just have sex with me?!” “Y/N, I thought-“ “NO! Holy crap! NO!” Ben just looked down, clearly disappointed and guilty with himself. “Get out. Please. I’m going to…go somewhere…” Ben nodded and walked out the room, leaving you to your thoughts. You made the bed and got changed into the clothes you arrived in. You cried all the while, not believing what was happening. You grabbed your bag and phone and exited, noticing Ben sat in the front room with his head in his hands. You walked down the stairs and onto the streets, unsure of where to go now. You pulled it your phone and called Andrew. “Andy?” “Jesus, Y/N! Are you okay?!” “No…I mean. I know Jeremy told you that side of the story…but…I need somewhere to stay tonight. And I know you’re definitely gay…” “Sorry?” “Ben tried to hit on me…” “Crap. Y/N…I’m coming out right now Okay?” “You’re a saint…” You waited outside Ben’s apartment block for a little while, noticing Ben’s living room light switch off around 2 that morning. Andrew arrived not that long after. You arrived at his apartment and he showed you to his room, taking a spare pillow and duvet to the sofa for himself, although you insisted for him not to. “Thanks Andy…” “No problem. I love you” “I love you too” you smiled at him, as he said goodnight to you and left you alone. The next morning, Andrew surprised you with a bacon and scrambled egg bagel for breakfast and a day of binging on Netflix. At around 4 that evening, Andrew came and sat on the sofa with you after answering emails from various agents. “Y/N, I think you should talk to him…” “Which one” Andrew laughed slightly, “your husband…he’s broken too” “He’s the one that cheated on me” “He was drunk. She spiked his drink. Fiona influenced him. He didn’t know what he was doing…” “Really?” Andrew nodded, taking your hand in his, “despite what you may think, Y/N. He married you for a reason. He does love you, I promise. Just call him. I mean…sweetie, you work together. It’s better to get this out the way before tomorrow’s show…” You nodded in agreement, taking your phone from his hands. He left you alone, after giving you a reassuring kiss on the cheek. The phone ringing was killing you, although his voice stabbed the knife further into the wounds. “Y/N?” “Hey…” “Sweetheart, listen to me. She spiked my drink, I was drunk and high and had no clue what the fuck I was doing. I love you so fucking much baby girl” “Jeremy please don’t lie” “I’m not lying honey. Y/N, I married YOU! I married YOU because I love YOU! Fiona means nothing to me. As soon as I came back to reality, I kicked her out of OUR apartment and I tried calling you, then your mum and then Andrew! Sweetheart, I was terrified you’d-“ “I’m heartbroken, Jay…not suicidal” “Babe, please. I love you! I love you more every single day! Honey, I thought we were going to try and have kids?” “So did I…” You heard Jeremy sigh over the phone, clearly in tears, “will you please meet with me?” “Where and when?” “Bandstand. At 7 tonight?” “Yeah…” “I love you so much, Y/N…” “Bye, Jeremy” You met with him, claiming you didn’t want to but you actually didn’t want anything else in the world. It was dark, the river reflecting the street lamps. You saw his figure in the middle of the bandstand, so you walked over to him, clearing your throat when you reached the stairs. “Y/N…” Jeremy sighed in delight, walking to embrace you. You walked towards him, hugging him tighter than you would have liked to. “Sweetheart, I love you so much…” Jeremy stepped back, tears already rolling down his face. You remained strong, although your hands were still in his. “Jeremy, you have to understand that-“ “Sweetheart, she spiked my drink. I didn’t know what the hell I was doing! You have to understand, I love you more than life itself, I wouldn’t cheat on you…” “Promise?” “I promise. I vow. Hell, I’ll sacrifice myself if that’s what it will take for you to believe me! Sweetheart, I would marry you again and again and add that into my vows!” You laughed, looking up to his eyes. “I love you, Y/N Jordan” “I love you too, Jay” He kissed you, pulling you towards him, almost lifting you up. “I love you I love you I love you” Jeremy began tickling you, making you laugh again, “that laugh is music to my ears…” You smiled at him as he pulled you close and began dancing with you, singing through tears. “I have no use for moonlight…or soppy poetry. Love at first sights for suckers, at least it used to be” he began to cry and you pulled him into a hug, as you finished the song. He kissed you once again, stroking the ring on his finger. “Let’s go home, yeah?” You nodded, turning to go home, but you were quickly swept off your feet, being carried by Jeremy like he did after your wedding. The show the following day felt different, as the connection between yourself and Jeremy felt new and more romantic. You had explained how Ben hit on you the previous night, and you didn’t see, but you heard from Tommy that Jeremy had a huge argument with Ben. You avoided him as much as you could, even keeping space on stage without making it obvious to audience members. One thing you did notice was Fiona wasn’t there. After the show ended, the curtains fell and Jeremy pulled you into a tight hug, kissing you softly on your neck. “Jay?” “Mmhm?” He hummed against your neck. “Fiona’s not here…” Jeremy stood back, although he kept his hands in yours. “I got her fired. I explained to Simon and he sacked her…” “Jeremy that’s…that’s her job” “And I nearly lost my wife because of her. I honestly couldn’t care less…” You shrugged and went upstairs to get changed. Jeremy was waiting for you outside afterwards, with a rose in hand. “Your servant awaits, m’lady” “Does the servant bring me ice cream?” “There’s ice cream waiting at home” Jeremy kissed you, taking your hand and walking home with you. Your contracts were soon coming to an end, and Jeremy had been offered role after role in numerous plays, although there was nothing for you. You couldn’t find a suitable show for you, although Jeremy was highly supportive. “Baby, a show will come, I promise” “Sorry, Mr. I’m being offered every part in every show” “Maybe a part will come up with me. Then we can fall in love all over again” Jeremy began making kissing actions towards you, tickling you. “Yeah…maybe” It was the third to last show, and you were getting ready in your dressing room. You got a call from your mum, telling you that your sister’s illness had gotten worse and unfortunately she had passed. You immediately went to Jeremy’s dressing room, not even bothering to knock. You entered, sobbing, “Jay, I-“ You saw Jeremy breaking apart from a kiss with a random girl. She wasn’t in the show. “Y/N…” he began to defend himself, but you just held up your hand. You watched the random girl leave the dressing room, narrowly avoiding you, scared you would kill her. “Fuck. You.” You simply spat at him, taking your rings off your finger. You placed them both on the table nearest the door, shaking your head as you turned to leave. You stopped at the door, turning to face Jeremy. “How many?” “Y/N…” “HOW MANY?!” “4” “Since Fiona or including her?” “Since…” You pursed your lips and tapped your foot on the floor. “She never spiked your drink, did she?” You watched as Jeremy shook his head, refusing to look you in the eyes. You turned around and slammed the door behind you, frozen still outside, trying not to cry loudly. Ben walked past, noticing you crying. He desperately wanted to comfort you, but couldn’t bring himself to go near you. Instead, he got Andrew. “Ands…it’s Y/N…” Andrew sprung from his seat and followed Ben, running to your side. You hugged him as soon as you saw him. He led you to his dressing room. “Y/N…what’s happened?” “5 girls! He’s been with 5 girls…” you sobbed, your hand shaking in Andrew’s. “5? That’s son of a-“ “Andy, don’t…” “That dickhead can…Y/N, I’m so sorry…�� “It’s…I don’t know what I expected” Andrew pulled you into a tight hug, “move in with me. I’ll come and help move all your stuff tonight. I’ll ask Tommy to keep Jeremy out…” “Thank you, Andy…” “Do you want to do the show tonight?” You shook your head, explaining how you had to go upstate. “Why?” “My sister died a few hours ago…” “Holy…Y/N, you poor thing…” “Don’t poor thing me right now, I don’t want to be mocked…” “No, Y/N. I’m so sorry for your loss” “Which one” you tried to laugh, but instead it came out as a sob “Both…Sweetie…I’ll go and talk to Simon. He’ll understand” “Thank you, Andy” “You go get dressed, and go start packing your stuff up. Here’s my key. After the show, I’m heading straight to yours and we’ll go to my house. Okay?” You nodded, hugging him tightly. You walked back with him to your dressing room, noticing a note on the desk. 

~ Y/n, I’ve asked Fiona to help me pack my things. I’m sorry that this has crumbled. I just don’t feel the same things I used to when we first got together. I know you’re broken but…we’re both hurting from this. I thought that we would stay together for the rest of our lives, but, clearly that’s not the case. I’m not putting any of the blame on you because this is my fault…we’re too young for all of this. It was too soon…I guess. I hate that your contract is ending soon, but I’m also glad that you can get away from this too. It will help you to move on. Goodbye, I guess… Jay x ~ 

You sat down in sobs, scrunching the note in your fist. You got changed quickly, handing the costume over to your understudy and thanking her. You ran down the stairs and out the door, finding the fresh air incredibly refreshing. You sped walked to the house you shared with Jeremy, not wanting to call it a home. You started packing your things, making the bed and folding up all Jeremy’s things that were on the floor. You couldn’t help but cry, noticing all the pictures of the two of you on your wedding day and all the other days, including a picture of you and Jeremy in the final number of Newsies as Jack and Katherine. You pottered around the house, leaving post it notes around specific parts of the house, instructing Jeremy on what to do when you weren’t going to be around. It was around 10 when Andrew knocked on the door. You opened it, smiling weakly. He helped carry boxes and bags down the stairs and into his car. On the final load, he took a box down and you looked around your apartment for the last time. You sighed, feeling a tear roll down your cheek. You brought your hand up to your neck, feeling the necklace with a J charm on it. Jeremy had bought you the necklace for your first Christmas together, and you had worn it ever since. You took it off and placed it on the kitchen counter, placing the keys next to it. You shut the door with a final sigh and practically ran down the stairs. For your the final night of your contract, you did the show. It was agonising to play Jeremy’s love interest but you avoided him at all costs backstage, Andrew staying close to prevent Jeremy or Ben coming to talk to you. The kisses you had with Jeremy were agonising, and you could feel how tense he was feeling, although for the finale kiss, he held you tightly, as he knew it would be the last one he would ever have with his wife. When the curtains fell, Andrew immediately came to your side as you both heard “Y/N!” from Jeremy. Andrew told you to ignore him and he pulled you close, walking you up to your dressing room. Another note was left on the desk, with a familiar necklace next to it. 

~ I’m so sorry about your sister…she was amazing. As are you. Keep this. It’s yours. All my love in the world, Jay x ~ 

The necklace you left at your old apartment glistened in the light. You put it on, feeling the familiar J charm once again. You left your costume on the hanger for the last time and collected all your leaving presents and cards from the cast and crew and put them into your large bag. You looked around your dressing room and noticed the note. You put it into your bag quickly, and scribbled a welcoming note for the new Katherine. You turned the lights off and walked down the stairs, joining Andrew by the door. The years went on, and you heard about Jeremy’s success in numerous films, tv programs and shows, all whilst you were waitressing in numerous cafes and restaurants. You went to audition after audition, but no result. Even Andrew was given a part in a new show, which was awesome but heart breaking for you. One night, you were playing on the Xbox once again, when Andrew came home with a guy, obviously both drunk. “Y/N! Meet…” “Marvin” he stuck out his hand dramatically, and you shook it. “Need me to leave, Andy?” “Nah, you’re fine. Just…maybe listen to some music through headphones. Loudly” Andrew smirked at the guy behind him, leading him to his bedroom. You laughed, knowing how hungover Andrew would be in the morning. You plugged your headphones into your phone, pressing shuffle on musical playlist created randomly by Spotify. It started on a song from something called The Last Five Years. It was a pretty catchy tune…but…that voice was so familiar. It couldn’t be. You paused the game and pressed on your phone, anticipating to see the artist. And there it was. Jeremy Jordan. He was in a film? A successful one? You couldn’t help but want to watch it. It took you 30 minutes of debating with yourself before you decided to watch it. The scene unfolded with Anna Kendrick, one of your idols. She was such a good singer, but you thought she didn’t really suit straight, blonde hair. The song was about her husband, Jamie, leaving her. With a note. The camera panned around, catching pictures of Anna and him. Jeremy. Jeremy. Your ex husband. In wedding clothes. You ignored it and watched the rest of the film. The next scene, Anna and Jeremy burst in kissing like wild animals, and you couldn’t help but feel jealous. He was yours for 5 years after all. It seemed…familiar. The film continued and so many things that happened to Cathy and Jamie related so similarly to the relationship you had with Jeremy. Until you pinpointed where the film was actually about you and Jeremy. His character proposed, with the same type speech, in the same exact spot, where Jeremy proposed to you. The wedding was in the same spot. The countless gifts of jewellery. The one necklace with a J charm. The unsuccessful auditions. The countless parties. His note. The film ended, and you were in a state, your jaw wide open. Everything that happened in that movie happened to you and Jeremy. Everything. The noise had quietened from Andrew’s room and so you assumed that Andrew and Marvin were both asleep. You let out the loudest sob you could, crying into a nearby pillow. It didn’t stop. You couldn’t stop crying. It had been years, but you realised that horrible thing that no divorced wife wanted to realise. You still loved him. You don’t remember falling asleep, but you woke up that morning with your duvet over you and the sound of frying bacon in the kitchen. You padded through to the next room, spotting Andrew and Marvin talking over coffee. “There’s my princess!” Andrew opened his arms to you and you hugged him. “Sorry about last night, love. Andrew’s been telling me all about you” Marvin held out his hand, “it’s really nice to meet ya” “You too” you shook his hand and got yourself some water. “Andy?” “Yeah?” “Have you spoken to…Jeremy recently?” His eyes went wide at the mention of his name, but he cleared his throat and shook his head, “Why?” “I want you to watch a film. Over breakfast.” Andrew watched the film with Marvin, and you sat in your room, refusing to watch it again. Andrew knocked on your door after it finished, Marvin cleaning up the plates. “Hey, princess” “Hi” He shuffled over to the bed and sat opposite you, crossing his legs like a child. “It’s about you and him…isn’t it?” “That’s what I thought. But it’s all the same…the way Jamie proposed, where they got married, the parties, the girls, the notes…” Andrew noticed the tears in your eyes begin to form and he took your hand, shushing you. “I’m sorry” “Me too” you smiled at him weakly, before he patted your hand and left the room, telling you to get some proper sleep. You obliged to his request, falling asleep to Love Actually and some Ben and Jerry’s ice cream. You were sure it was nothing. The following morning, you got up for work at the cafe opposite the apartment at the usual time, after making Andrew some breakfast and waking him up so he could stretch and warm up before the matinee. Your day was fairly normal until you saw your ex boss. “Simon?” “Y/N! Wow! Hey! How are you doing?” “Umm…good I guess, yeah. So what can I get you?” “Just a coffee please. Black, if possible” “Yeah sure. No worries” you turned to walk back to the till, but Simon called you back. “Y/N?” “Yeah?” “Seriously? You work as a waitress?” “Alright, Si…don’t rub it in” “No seriously. You’re an amazing actress! Why haven’t you been given a part?!” “There aren’t any right shows for me, I suppose. I’ve auditioned for some but I’m not always perfect” “Would you like to go back to acting?” “It’s my dream, Yeah” “Y/N…I’m doing a live recording of Newsies with the original broadway cast…I was going to send out formal letters but I guess I may as well ask you now as you’re here” You stared at him, speechless, “you’re kidding, right?” Simon shook his head and you squealed slightly, going to hug him. “Of course I will! Wow! Yeah, sure! Shall I tell Andrew or shall I wait for the formal letters?” “Oh you may as well tell him…” “Thank you so much Si! Thank you thank you thank you!” “It’s my pleasure” he chuckled, seeing the excitement on your face “Right, coffee!” You practically skipped to get his order and spent the rest of the day anticipating for your shift to end so you could go home and tell Andrew. He didn’t get in until late that night, but as soon as he entered the apartment you were jumping up from the sofa to hug him. “Y/N? What’s up with you?” He chuckled, hugging you back. “I saw Simon today…” “Simon? As in director Simon?” “Mmhmm…” “And…?” “Oh right. Well…he’s doing a live recording of Newsies with the original cast! That’s you and me baby!” “Oh my god that’s amazing!” Andrew hugged you tightly, trying to restrain you from jumping and breaking the floor. “Y/N?” “Yeah?” “Did you say original cast?” “Yeah…why?” “You know…that means someone else will be in it…” “Who? Ben? Oh it’s fine, I’ll just try and fix things with him” “No…Jeremy?” “Oh…Yeah. Right.” Your demeanour changed drastically from excited to a somewhat tired manner, although you felt defeated. How could you not of thought of this? Andrew watched your excitement fall from your face into sad and uncaring. “Y/N, don’t let him ruin this for you! You’ve had…well, let’s be honest, a dry spell. And this is your break! Again…” “Yeah. Sure” “Y/N…” “No. It’s fine…who wouldn’t want to play the love interest of their cheating ex husband?” “Y/N” “I’ll do it. It’s just gonna be hella awkward” “It will be fine. Just a couple months rehearsing and a few weeks filming. I’ll be there and so will Ben Frankie, Tommy. Simon will understand too….” “Yeah. Thanks Andy” He kissed your temple and you invited him to sit on the sofa and watch the original Disney film together. Rehearsals couldn’t come soon enough. It was amazing to walk back into the studio room and meet with all the old cast, after so many years. You saw Ben Frankie first, practically jumping into his arms when he opened them. “Benny!!!” “Y/N!” “How you doing?!” “Better now I’m with my favourite girl” he smiled, and you playfully smacked him. “Y/N, it’s great you’re here and all but…you gonna be okay?” You nodded, faking a large and over enthusiastic smile. He grinned back, embracing you one more before you greeted the rest of the cast. It was inevitable that you would come back to see Ben Cook. “Hey” you walked up to him, noticing how awkward he felt. “Hi, Y/N. How you been?” “I’m still here, so I suppose I’m alright. Yourself?” “Yeah, good. It’s good to be back…” “Ben?” “Yeah?” “I forgive you. Okay? Jesus we were best friends for years, let’s not let one mistake you made ruin that. Alright?” Ben nodded, a weak apologetic smile forming on your face. He held out his hand, and you shook it playfully before hugging him. “Just, no more mistakes again” “Agreed” he laughed at you, squeezing you tightly once, “you gonna be okay being with Jeremy again?” “It’s work. I’m not gonna talk to him if I can help it” you smiled at him reassuringly. “I’m right by ya” he squeezed your hand before Simon called you all over to the circle of desks for the read through. You sat in between Ben and Andrew, laughing with them as you were handed your script. You could see Jeremy out the corner of your eye. He looked tired, depressed and beaten. You so desperately wanted to go to him but you knew it would be wrong. You both knew this was strictly work and not pleasure, so during the read through, the two of you refused to make eye contact. During the break, you were eating your pasta salad by your bag, scrolling though Facebook and Instagram on your phone. Many fans had heard about the release of the live recording and were bombarding you with good luck messages. You were reading an email from your agent when two feet stood in front of you. You looked up to see Jeremy. You half heartedly smiled at him and continued to scroll through the email. “Y/N-“ “Go away. I’m working” “So am I. I wanna talk to you” “And I want to eat my lunch, carry on with the read through and go home. So if you don’t mind, can you leave me alone?” “Y/N, please. I-“ Andrew walked over, interrupting Jeremy’s pleads, “Jeremy, take a walk. She doesn’t want to talk to you” Jeremy just looked at Andrew and walked back over to his bag, slumping down against the wall and reading through the script over and over. “You alright, princess?” “Yeah. Thanks for saving me” “That’s my job” he plopped down next to you and began digging through your bag, finding the chocolate and breaking a piece off, eating it before you could protest. “That was mine” “I’m your roommate. What’s yours is technically mine” “I’ll remember that next time you tell me off for eating your cereal” “Ah. But cereal is a different matter” “How?!” “Well-“ As if he knew, Simon called the end of the break and summoned everyone back to the desks. You finished the rehearsal and retreated to Andrew, who was talking to Simon about his new additional song. He wanted to sing it through so you got to hear it. It was the most beautiful song in the world. “Y/N, what do you think?” Simon turned to you “Beautiful, Si. Really, really nice” you smiled at him, nodding in agreement. Simon wanted to talk to Andrew privately so you exited the studio, bumping into Jeremy. “Y/N, please can I just talk to you? For 5 minutes? Please?” “Go away” you continued walking down the hallway, trying to get to the stairwell as quickly as possible. “Please! I just want to apologise?” You stopped and turned around to face him, “apologise? APOLOGISE?! JEREMY! You broke my heart into a thousand pieces! You lied to my face! You slept with 5. Other. Girls! Jesus Christ, Jeremy! Is your brain really that fucking small to not think for a second that your ex wife who divorced you for cheating on her is just going to forgive you? You didn’t mean a single word of our wedding vows, and I know you meant every word of our divorce. You’re a fucking joke. I bet you even think I came back for you. I’m just here for Simon. I’m here for the boys. Not for you” Jeremy just stood there, staring at you. His lip was shaking and he tried to form words but you shook your head and left the building, sitting on a step outside waiting for Andrew. You waited for about 15 minutes, thinking about your previous relationship with Jeremy, before Andrew came outside, walking home with you. When you got inside, Andrew called shotgun on the shower first so you retired to your room, changing out of the sweaty clothes and into your robe, waiting your turn for the shower. You were sorting through the laundry when the landline rang. It was odd, as the landline only rang when it was Andrew’s grandmother, but she always emailed first to let him know. You walked over to it, Andrew’s t-shirt in hand, and answered. “Hello?” “Y/N? It’s Jeremy” “Oh my god, now you’re stalking me?!” “No, Y/N, I just really need to talk to you…” “Jeremy, you had your chance. I’ve forgiven you once before, and even then you fucking lied to me! Why do you think ill forgive you now?” “Y/N, I’ve spent the last 5 years in depression from losing the one thing I loved the most. I don’t know what got into me. I loved you and I still do. I know I married you for a reason…” “I know I divorced you for a reason” “Y/N, please just talk it through with me?” “No. Please, stop this. I’m trying to work. Leave me alone” You hung up, not wanting Jeremy to get another word in edge ways. You began to cry into the t-shirt in hand, when Andrew came up behind you, rubbing your arms. “Please wash that again” “Fuck you KB” “I love you too. That was him wasn’t it?” “He’s stalking me, I swear” “He spoke to me on the stairs. I hate him with all my guts, I mean why wouldn’t I? He hurt my girl” “Shut it…” “But anyway, he said he’s never felt more alone and unwanted in his life. He really loves you” “I love him too” “I understand why you’re being like this, I mean I would too if Marvin pulled a trick like this on me…but at least give him a chance?” “I already did” “Every person gets 3 strikes. He’s made 2…let this be his last chance. Who knows? Things may get better” “My life HAS been better. Without him…” “Try it. For me? If you both agree to get on, fantastic. If you don’t? Fine. But at least give it a shot” You contemplated it for a bit, before sighing, “I hate when you’re right” “Indian or Pizza tonight?” “Indian…” “And what film?” “Elf…” “Y/N, it’s the middle of June, you can’t watch a-“ “Elf” “Elf it is then” Andrew chuckled, kissing your temple before going to order the food. The following day, you worked on King of New York with the boys, which was the best day you had in years. The way you all laughed and mucked about, all while doing one of the best songs. It was tiring to do so much tap dancing after so many years, but you felt refreshed after rehearsal. When it ended, Andrew was waiting outside for you and you walked home together. You were halfway down the street when you heard your name. You turned around and saw Jeremy jogging behind you. You groaned and continued walking, but Jeremy grabbed your wrist. “JEREMY! LEAVE ME-“ “You left your phone…” You looked at his hand, which held your phone. You cleared your throat awkwardly, taking your phone from him quickly. You gave him a weak smile, “Thanks…” Jeremy just smiled at you, before walking back towards the studio. You couldn’t quite believe what had happened, and you just turned to look at Andrew, who had a cocky smirk on his face. “Don’t start” “I didn’t say anything!” “Yeah fuck off Andy” “Y/N!” He laughed loudly, plodding alone behind you as you childishly stomped off. Jeremy was typically good at leaving you alone, only talking to you when you were working on a scene together. You admit, it was hugely awkward at first, but as rehearsals continued, you began to share smiles and laughs, feeling more comfortable, although the two of you didn’t talk out of rehearsals. During the last few rehearsals, Simon sent you and Jeremy to practice Something To Believe In, and the kiss…it felt so different. He never did it the way he just did. He grabbed your waist and pulled you towards him with a swift motion. He looked at you for a minute before gently pressing his lips to yours. His other hand ran up your arm and landed on your upper back. You felt your stomach tumble and kissed him back, bringing your arms up from your side up to around his neck. Neither of you attempted to pull away. If anything, you both tried to deepen the kiss even more. Eventually, he stopped, and you rested your forehead on his, panting for your breath again. “Shit” you whispered, laughing slightly. Jeremy laughed with you, bringing his arms to both of your arms, stroking them. “Y/N…I’m sorry” “I know. I’m sorry too” “what do you have to be sorry about? Jesus I put you through hell! What I would do to turn back time and stop myself…” You cleared your throat, pushing away from Jeremy, “maybe we should go over our first song, because I think we’re a bit rusty on the-“ “Y/N…I want to try us again” “What?” “I miss you. So fucking badly…” “Jay-“ “No. Please. I love you so much. I have done since the day I met you, and I have never ever for a singular moment stopped loving you. I would take every fucking mistake back if I could if I knew I wouldn’t lose you. I love you so fucking much…” You sighed in defeat and took Jeremy’s hand, “Jay, I love you too. But this isn’t right” Jeremy kissed your hand, but you pulled it away, “I’m sorry, Jay…” He nodded, smiling at you weakly. As if a miracle happened, Andrew came into the room. “Si wants you two to come in…he’s giving an overview” Jeremy went out quickly, leaving you to plod our behind him. “Alright Princess?” “Mmhm…I just need some ice cream” “I’ve stocked up at home” “I love you” Andrew smiled at you and walked with you to the other room. All the way through the overview, you couldn’t stop thinking about Jeremy. You looked over at him at one point to catch him staring at you. You moved your gaze quickly, smiling at the thought. “Shit…” you mumbled, Andrew catching it. “What?” He whispered. “I’m falling in love…” Andrew just stared at you, anger across his face. “Ice cream. Tissues. Serious conversation.” Andrew whispered harshly, before turning his attention back to Simon. You sighed deeply and slouched back into your chair. Back at home, you felt like you were being interrogated. “Y/N, what the hell?!” “I don’t know…I don’t know I don’t know I don’t know…” “Ice cream. Talk.” You took a spoonful of ice cream, before mumbling to Andrew “he’s him. He’s apologised” “Y/N, he cheated on you” “He was sincere” “Y/N, he’s a cheater” “Hang on, Andy! You’re the one that told me to give him another chance!” Andrew just stared at you blankly, before you pointed at the tub of ice cream, “spoonful” He groaned, taking a spoonful of ice cream, when you both heard the phone ring. “Hello?” Andrew picked up your own phone, fighting you off, “No, she’s in the shower…” “ANDY OFF!” Andrew looked at you, stopping fighting you before handing the phone over to you, taking another spoonful of ice cream. “Hello?” “Y/N, hey. It’s me” “Hey, Jay” “Listen, I was wondering if you were willing to meet with me? Just to talk things over?” You sighed, debating what to do, “Where?” “Bandstand?” “What’s your obsession with that place?” You heard him laugh over the phone, “It means a lot to me. I’ll see you there before rehearsals?” “Sure. See ya” You hung up, flinging your phone across the bed, looking up at Andrew’s shocked face. “I don’t believe you” “You’d hate me if I told you what happened today” “What happened?” You just smirked and left the room, rubbing towards the bathroom like a little kid. “Y/N!!! What happened?!!!” You chuckled behind the door, only leaving when you knew the coast was clear. He was leaning against the wall opposite the door, his arms crossed. “You kissed him didn’t you?” “That’s my job” “For pleasure…didn’t you?” You just nodded at him, smiling cheekily. Andrew groaned and began to tickle you. The next day, you met Jeremy at the bandstand. He was dressed in jeans and a shirt, smart for him to be honest. He held a singular rose in his hand and a small box in the other. “Jay?” “Hey, Y/N…” “What’s all this?” “For you, if you want it?” “Jeremy…” “Y/N, I want nothing more than to make you happy. I’ve learnt from my mistakes and I swear that I will do everything in my power to get us to where we were. I love you with all I have. I’m not asking you to marry me, but I’m asking you if you want to be mine again?” He opened the box, revealing your engagement and wedding ring on a silver chain. “Andrew’s gonna kill me…” “I’m surprised you haven’t killed me” You looked at him, smiling, “Jay, I’ll be yours again. But you gotta work hard to get us back to where we were. We’ll take it slow, okay?” “You’re mine?” “Always have been” you walked up to him and hugged him, hearing his sobs. You shushed him, running your fingers through his hair. He helped you put on the necklace and walked you back to your old apartment. “Jay, it’s a mess!” “I haven’t had you here to help me” “But you’re not incapable” “I’ll walk you home, so you can grab your stuff before rehearsals. I just need to grab my stuff and then I’m set” “I actually don’t want to go home” “Why?” “I’m scared Andrew might kill us” “He’s a petal, he won’t harm either one of us, no matter how angry he is” He walked up to you, kissing your cheek and pulling you in for a hug before walking you home. Andrew was surprisingly supportive, and congratulated both of you before walking with you both to the studio. The rehearsals went on and then filming began, day after day after day. Each day, Jeremy would come over to your apartment with Andrew and take your stuff back to his, until eventually, you were moved back in. Jeremy worked incredibly hard, spending every moment he could with you. He took you out every night and even when you didn’t want to go out, he spent the night with you with a pizza and Xbox, just as it used to be. You truly fell in love with him all over again, and felt like you did before he proposed. The last day of filming was in front of an audience. The thrill of performing in front of an audience again made Jeremy go wild, and he covered your desk with little gifts that reminded you of your marriage with him, excluding the girls. He knocked on your door at the 15 minute call, waiting to walk you down. “Jay, can I ask you something?” “What’s up?” “It’s about that film you did…with Anna Kendrick?” “No, I didn’t get with her” “Jay, not funny…” “Sorry” “Why was it so similar to our relationship?” Jeremy sighed and hesitated slightly, “the director asked me to do it, and I almost turned it down because of our divorce. I went through the story and he loved it. It fit every song perfectly. Didn’t you see it was dedicated to you?” “Was it?” “Mmhm…” “I didn’t watch until the end of the credits…no normal person does” Jeremy laughed and engulfed you in his famous bear hug. “Come on, baby girl. Show time” You smiled at him and walked backstage hand in hand. You fixed your mics and gave each other a final kiss before he went on. You felt so proud in that moment when he was singing, as if he was your husband. He was, truly, even if he wasn’t legally. The show went on and the reaction from the audience was overwhelming. Singing your song again in front of an audience felt amazing and you came off stage nearly in tears. It was coming to the end, and you were singing the final song. As rehearsed, Jeremy pulled you into the final pose. You saw him fiddle with his mic pack before he whispered in your ear. “Marry me? Again?” He stood back, looking at you lovingly. You stood there, trying to catch your breath, unable to form words. Your eyes started welling up and you just nodded, kissing him deeply. The audience went wild and the cast just looked at the two of you as you held on to each other. All the memories of him cheating forgotten. You truly believed he had changed and you had always wanted to spend the rest of your life with him. You promised to love him until death, and you would. He promised to support you in everything you did, and you knew he would. He believed in you and you believed in him. You knew this was right. “Yes!”

[la-appel-du-vide]

THAILAND 2019 - Day Seven {Chiang Mai}

Our final day in Chiang Mai came way too quickly, but we made the most of it for sure!

Our day started early, with a visit to the Tiger Kingdom! It was a recommendation from Jaycee Brown, and we obviously wanted to see the tigers anyway. We originally planned to do it in Phuket, but ended up choosing Chiang Mai because of the chance to see the baby tigers!

We walked over to the mall, and got a cab ride down to the Tiger Kingdom. We showed them our tickets, and they had us start with the newborn tigers! There were a total of six or seven of them, but we got to be in the room with three of them at a time. As soon as I saw them I wanted to cry. They were so perfect and tiny. They are just like little cats! So playful, and happy, and I could have watched them all day long. They had us put on white coats and slippers, and then they let us in.

We took pictures with them, videos of them, and got to pet them. I really wanted to hold one, but we weren’t allowed to pick them up unfortunately. They have such pretty blue eyes, and they were so funny to watch. One of them kept trying out his baby roar, and it was the most pathetically cute thing ever. They would pounce at each other, play with feathers on sticks that the employees would hang for them, and trip over their own giant paws. AH, they were PERFECT.

They gave us about 15 minutes in the cage with them, and then said we had to leave so that they could let the next people in. We got a printed photo and a stuffed baby tiger as a souvenir, haha. Unexpected, but cute.

Next up? The full-grown tigers. We were a little nervous about doing it. Who willingly walks into a cage with three massive, free-roaming tigers? Apparently we do. We followed the trainers in, and went to visit the first one. They had us stand behind him, pet him (specifically “firmly, and from the mid-section down”), pose for photos, and even pick up his tail (spooooooky). To quote Beach, “Are you sure he won’t be mad??” Hahah, but really though. Every time he would turn his head, move his paws, or YAWN (which is easily mistaken for trying to bite your head off), I would jump like five feet backwards.

From there, we moved on to a sleeping one. That one scared me more, because I didn’t want to spook him awake and have him react by eating me. But nope! We got to pet him too, and even worse, the trainers had us LAY ON HIM. I was sooooo nervously uncomfortable. These tigers may have been raised by humans, but they are still WILD ANIMALS with the potential to KILL YOU at any second hahaha omg. If he had decided to turn and eat me, no one could have stopped him. It was a bit of an adrenaline rush, but we both did it! And we survived.

We ended with one final tiger on the other side of the cage, who was also asleep. The trainer ended up waking him up by teasing him with a piece of chicken. I didn’t like that at all. He would hold the chicken up to his mouth, and then take it away. I was like, dudeeeee just give it to him. He’s going to get angry and take it out on us! But luckily, he didn’t and everything turned out fine.

After we petted him for a bit, I got to go in front of him to take some photos. I’ve never been face-to-face with a tiger before, obviously, but what a cool (terrifying) experience. These really are absolutely beautiful animals, and it was an honor to interact with them like that.

After we left the cage, thankfully in one piece, we wandered around the rest of the Tiger Kingdom, looking at the various tigers (including a super rare Snow White tiger, which is literally all white because their stripes are so pale), and learning some interesting facts about tigers. Mostly I’m sad that they are so limited. There are only about 4,000 left in the wild. People poach them left and right because they are like walking gold mines. And they only live up to 15 years in the wild. I didn’t realize they had such limited life spans.

It was a great experience. Later on, we did some research and found out there have been some tiger attacks on tourists there. Just last year in Phuket Tiger Kingdom, an Australian tourist got mauled and had to be dragged out by the trainers with severe injuries to his legs and stomach. Other people have suffered bites and clawing as well. Yikessss. I’m glad we didn’t look those up before we went. It really freaked us out. We really gambled with our lives, and this time it paid off. Loved it, but don’t think we’ll be doing that again haha.

Our taxi driver waited for us while we were in there, and then took us back to the mall. We had planned a Thai cooking class with Mel and Ryan for late afternoon, but we had some time to kill in between. We had lunch, and then got some treats. We still had some extra time, so we went back to our hotel next door (seriously the most convenient location) and hung out an hour, before walking back to catch a taxi.

He drove us to the Basil Cooking School. It was on our list to do a Thai cooking class (again, on recommendation from Jaycee), and it worked out super great that Mel wanted to do one too, and had found this one for us at a time that worked! We really like them, and were so happy to get to spend a little more time with them!

When we got there, they had us select one of three dishes from seven different categories. I chose the following: Pa-Nang Curry Paste, Pa-Nang Curry, Hot and Sour Soup with Roasted Chicken, Stir-Fried Chicken and Cashews, Fried Rice Noodles with Soy Sauce, Fried Spring Rolls, and Deep Fried Bananas served with Coconut Ice Cream!

After we made our choices, we jumped in a large van with the rest of our group and headed to the local market to gather our ingredients. At this point, we were concerned because Mel and Ryan weren’t there, and we had requested to be in their class. There wasn’t much we could do, obviously, with no way to contact them. We wondered if maybe there were two Basil cooking schools, or if they had changed their minds about coming, but either way there was nothing we could do.

Once we got to the market, our chef gave us a run-down of the different Thai fruits/vegetables/spices we would be using in our class today. It was pretty informative. Then she gave us 10 minutes to walk around the market while she picked everything up that we needed. We were once again kicking ourselves for leaving our money back at the cooking school lockers, because we found many things we wanted to buy (i.e. scrunchies, churros, smoothies). But, nopeeee. We could look, but we couldn’t touch.

We headed back to the van, and that’s when we saw another Basil cooking group, and Mel and Ryan were there! We went over to talk to them, and when our instructors realized that we knew them, they let us switch into their group! We were real happy about that. But then we had to do the whole market tour all over again haha. Mel did have her money though, so she had bought some Thai fruits and had us try them. (She’s very adventurous with trying foods). We tried Rambutan, which I liked but Beach didn’t (other than the seed in the middle, super gross), and dragon fruit. The dragon fruit was terribly tasteless, and we didn’t like that much. So mangosteen is my favorite Thai fruit.

After the market, we went back to the cooking school to begin. The girls that hosted and taught our class were extremely organized and professional. They would set up the ingredients for us beforehand, and then teach three separate dishes at once (because we could each pick out of three for each category). It was easy to follow, and extremely hands-on. We started by making our noodles. Throughout the entire class, our teacher kept shouting, “Faster! Faster! Smileeee!” Hahaha, so eventually Ryan would shout it at us too. We got to chop up the vegetables, mix the sauces, fry cook them, and literally every part of the cooking was up to us! We plated the noodles, and ate them in the little dining area while they prepared the kitchen for our next course. Beach made Pad Thai, and we both liked our dishes. I couldn’t believe we were out here cooking Thai food like professional chefs haha. Not that hard though, when everything is measured out and placed in front of you, and then you’re told what to do step by step!

Next, we did both the soup and the appetizers. It was nice, because we had the chance to customize our own dishes, like add more or less spices, salt, sugar, vegetables, etc. to make it how we like it. Beach, in a very true to character way, made the most... unique... spring roll. (; The soup was actually not as bad as I expected, and the spring rolls were ok too. I love the crunchy outside, it is just all the cabbage on the inside that I hate.

Then we got to go in and eat those and take a 15-minute break before doing our final three courses. We had to make them all at once, so it was an endurance to the end type of thing haha.

We started with the dessert. Me and one of the Italian guys in our group made deep fried bananas, which was pretty easy, other than the splashes of hot oil burning us. Then we made the curry paste for our curries, by smashing some ingredients in a clay pot with a big round stick. We had to pound them for ten straight minutes, so it was both a workout, and a cooking class. (; Then we used the paste to make our curries. Finally, we ended with our stir-fries. It was fun to use the big wok pans, and I felt like a real Asian chef.

Then we took all our hard work into the dining room and got to eat our masterpieces! The Pa-Nang curry I made was wayyyy better than the coconut curry we tried at the restaurant in Bangkok. I only wish we had rice to eat it with, because I feel like that always helps curry. The stir-fries were really good as well. And then the dessert! My fried bananas were very good with a unique texture, and the fresh coconut ice cream they were served with was delicious.

Really, such a fun, hands-on Thai experience! Plus we got to try so much Thai food, that we made ourselves! I would definitely recommend that to anyone visiting Thailand. So great!

And then, in case we weren’t stuffed enough, Mel and Ryan invited us to go back to their hotel with them and walk over to the famous Chiang Mai Night Bazaar to get some authentic Thai rolled ice cream! I couldn’t turn that chance down, because ever since I saw the videos of it on Facebook forever ago, I’ve been fascinated. I found some back home, and I’m obsessed with it, so I couldn’t wait to try the real deal.

When we got there, the Bazaar was hopping. They have lots of crazy tourist food, loud music, and plenty to see. We found the rolled ice cream place, and Ryan ordered a chocolate/Oreo/banana combination. I tried it, and it was so good that I ordered the same thing. Watching him make it was fun, and eating it was even more fun! After we were done, we parted ways with Mel and Ryan, since we likely won’t be seeing them again since we go to Phuket first and they go to Krabi first. But we loved our time with them, and we will keep following their adventures on social media (thank goodness for that).

We got a taxi back to our hotel, where we had to pack, repack, and pack again for Phuket! Late night, but the best day.

We’re gonna miss Chiang Mai so much. Our perfect lil paradise.

[sweet-xoxo-thatcares]

I disliked Ayunna most of the time I was there.

That was the biggest secret I kept. We had good moments and then she always had to find a way to fuck it up with her petty, rude, comments about me or just other people in general. mocking me for being weird or considered socially awkward.

She just did not who I was, what I liked, and she did not care if Jay was the one who ordained me as sub, she still thought she had power to say when and where me and Jay could have sex or sexual contact with each other.

And it pissed me off even more. She made me wait a whole month for sex. No way am I waiting that long for sex from somebody who doesn't even like me and doesn't care me or my health.

She sucked as Jay's parent. She should have choked on a broomstick. And she was an instigator, picking fights on words I said in response of them pulling jealous pranks on me to get a reaction.

She wanted me to have no spine at all and to never speak up for myself or to speak against. She wanted me to kiss her ass and just bow down like Jay did all the time.

But Im not them, Im not Jay.

Then she took Jay away from me and said we couldn't play anymore. It mad me so mad. She wanted me to apologize to her in order for us to be friends again.

Cause in order for me to have been even friends with Jay or to even hang out with Jay as friends, i had to be on good terms with Ayunna to get permission for Jay and us to hang out.

It was so fucking stupid, controlling, and childish. And jay would guilt-trip me into doing it too, just like they did before...right after we had phone sex before, Jay would use to ask why I didn't text Ayunna more than I would text Jay,

Like dude why the fuck did it even matter when Ayunna wasn't even texting me or even trying to talk to me. Jay said it made it seem like I didn't care about Ayunna and that I was only there for them.

When actually, really talk at that time I was texting Ayunna, but she was either being dry or wouldn't text me back. She even had the nerve to say once to Jay, while I was sitting right there with her "I would have just left, if it was only me and Ky there."

She hated me and being in close proximity to her. Why would I continue texting someone who doesn't want me to get close to her?

It didn't make any sense. I think Ayunna told Jay she didn't think I was there for her and then Jay tried to pull the guilt-trip because she wanted me to bond with her bitchy ass girlfriend who I actually was nice to before, but actually didn't need to be her friend because she arrogant, cocky and a bully, always talking something out her neck about me and consistently saying stuff to make me uncomfortable just because I was just there. She was annoyed by me and didn't want to admit to Jay that he wanted me out and that she didn't like me because I was too girly for her.

They never said both of them were tryna share me as a pet. Because I knew I liked Jay wayyyy more than her, so she kept making me feel unwanted and unneeded. Instead of just telling her partner, I don't want her to be our 3rd, but still playing the passive aggressive, then petty-takeover control game to where she told Jay to block me and stop talking to me after I told Jay one night that I needed them.

She got offended and said I was stepping over boundaries. Jay said I was just using them because of what Ayunna wanted them to hear when I texted "I need you." Jay wanted to know why and Ayunna got even angrier about that too.

The real reason I texted "I need you" was because I missed Jay and I was heartbroken that we hadn't hung out in a while all because of one girl named Ayunna.

I wanted to go up to that gas station she worked at and pull her hair out, thats how mad I got. But instead I consistently punched a wall at work. Cause Jay never really wanted us to fight, but that bitch needed an ass whoopen. She was always controlling, always manipulating, always judging me, and irritating the fuck out of me because of how much say she had over Jay's decisions. Jay kept making decisions because of what she told them to do.

Jay even said once that Ayunna reads all our conversations and tells them what to say to me sometimes as she's watching us text live. And not once did Jay ever tell me that or why until it was too late.

I never understood why until now, but I was supposed to leave them alone. Jay and Ayunna will never understand what it meant to be in love with someone who was already indebted to be with someone else.

To Jay and Ayunna, this stuff was normal, this was ok, and they didn't care if I walked away or not. They think its ok for their girlfriend to basically talk to me as Jay and have full on conversations without me knowing, just because she didn't trust my intentions in staying as a sub.

I proved her right. I fell in love with Jay when she didn't want me to and falling away would have been the best thing for their relationship. They didn't care that it scarred me, leaving me there multiple times after that, whenever I got too close to Jay.

Jay just wanted us to be friends.

And a fwb whenever they wanted a 3rd person to join them in the bedroom.

But then go right back to normal, cutting off my emotions again for them and their family. Which was Ayunna.

Jay also liked it when Ayunna was jealous and over-protective momma bear mode for her. I think she used me to make Ayunna feel like that just so they could get more attention from her. Its stickup and mean to say, but Jay's a narcissistic too.

One's own relationship shouldn't be so important to protect at the cost of hurting someone, using someone, and neglecting that person just because you didn't wanna piss off your gf. Then come back and expect your friend who already told you they love you, to stop having feelings for you just so you could use them for more sex later on because you don't want emotions attached to sex.

And still lead her on by kissing me too. manipulate, manipulate, manipulate...

I'm glad I left.

[la-appel-du-vide]

THAILAND 2019 - Day Five {Chiang Mai}

Other than the fact that we were really sad to leave our hotel, we were excited about the sights and opportunities ahead in Chiang Mai! We had an early morning flight, but it was super easy to get a taxi from the concierge. We got there with plenty of time, had a super easy check-in with Air Asia, and then found a McDonald’s in the airport to get some breakfast. It was needed - we were so hungry. 

Security was a breeze - wayyyy different than in America of course. And then we had a super short, one-hour flight. I’m glad it was only an hour, because we had very little space on this plane haha. One weird thing was that we had apparently booked meals for this flight? Even though it was only one hour? Hahaha. Once again, questionable. #AirplaneFoodProbs

When we landed, we got our bags, and then a Dairy Queen cone. We can’t get enough. So refreshing. We walked out the door to a breath of fresh air - NO HUMIDITY. It makes such a huge difference to us to be in dry heat, my absolute favorite weather! It’s perfect here ughhhh. We got a taxi to our AirBnB, and here’s where things got a little rough. 

Once we got there, we remembered reading that we needed to pick-up the room key from the mail room. Once we got that, we hopped in the elevator, but soon realized we had no idea what floor we were on. And worse, we have ZERO service in Thailand. Not just slow, ZERO. So we couldn’t look up our check-in instructions from Weer-pon (hahaha Weer-pon). We wandered around the lobby trying to get WiFi, but had no luck. I asked some other guests if they knew the WiFi password, and they told us it was different in each room. Once we explained our situation, they were kind enough to take us to their room to use their WiFi to figure things out. From there, we could get into our room! But then... we realized quickly we had no WiFi of our own. I felt like we were in an escape room, because everything in our little room seems fake and oddly placed, so I went hunting for clues of what the WiFi password might be. I found nothing, but I did find the WiFi router box. I realized it was switched off. I turned it on, but we still didn’t have a password. We started to get a little discouraged at this point, because it’s impossible to exist here without WiFi... We need it to talk to people, look things up, get our boarding passes, etc. But we had no other choice but to venture out blindly in search of WiFi so that we could message Weer-pon and ask him about it. 

The luck of Chiang Mai resumed from here! We happened to be located right next to a huge mall. We went in and got some WiFi from Starbucks. We messaged Weer-pon, and shortly after found the WiFi password on our check-in instructions. Of course. (I still think he should post it in the room somewhere, silly guy). But knowing we had WiFi made us feel better, so we set out to have a good day. 

Our first stop? Doi Suthep! A temple on the mountain! Chiang Mai has lots of mountains, flowers, and is just generally so green. We love it. It has more of a chill vibe and is much less crazy than Bangkok was. We’re big fans. Did I mention the beautiful weather??

We took a taxi-bus up there. They stopped along the way at a viewpoint overlooking Chiang Mai, which was a gorgeous view, and from there, we went up to the temple! My favorite part about it was the huge dragons that lined the staircase on either side. Such a stunning detail. It was definitely a LOT of stairs for us though, haha. We were winded by the time we got up there! We didn’t have a long skirt with us today, so we couldn’t actually go inside the temple, but that’s ok! Wandering the grounds was good enough for us. The buildings have such exquisite detail, the flowers here are SO bright and lovely, and we were overlooking the entire city with mountains surrounding us. It was the epitome of perfection. And it’s a lot better to walk temple grounds when you aren’t melting hahaha.

On our way back to the taxi, we stopped to shop at some of the little vendors set-up there. We love to barter, and ended up leaving with darling elephant Chiang Mai keychains (a tradition), a cute little elephant for a shelf we’ve been needing to fill, and some jewelry! We could have spent a lot more time looking around there, but the taxi was waiting. 

When we got back down, we asked the taxi to drop us off at the next temple we wanted to visit, and he agreed. Perfect. So we went to Wat Suan Dok, a beautiful white/gold temple that was unlike any we’d seen up to this point! We weren’t supposed to walk around it without proper dress, but no one was around so we just sent it real quick. It was super beautiful. We love all the gorgeous colors and jewels that some temples have, but there’s something to be said about pure white and gold too.

From there, we didn’t really know how to get to our next destination - Wat Chedi Luang - because this wasn’t a super tourist-y area, and there weren’t a lot of taxis around. We saw some Thai girls sitting at a bus stop, and went to ask them if they knew how to get there. They were cute, and didn’t speak much English, but tried so so hard to help us. They ended up standing on the curb with us, trying to flag down any taxi/taxi-bus we saw. They even got one in the end, and spoke to the driver for us to tell him where we wanted to go. Lovely. They were so helpful.

He took us over there, and it was a great place to be at that time turns out! They were just starting to set-up the huge Sunday street market. We went to the temple first, though. Had to put on long skirts that they lended to us, but that was fine. What was not fine was the blatant sexism displayed by not allowing women to enter the temple. Why? Because they menstruate, and that is dishonorable and impure. Reasonable. We weren’t impressed.

The temple itself was cool to look at, and reminded me a little of Chichen Itza! A lot of it was covered in burn marks, and certain sides had just fallen apart. Another very unique temple for us to see.

When we left, the market was in full swing. We stopped to get a smoothie at a little stand, and it was just what we needed. Then we kept walking, and soon stumbled upon a Thai foot massage with openings (there are massage places literally EVERYWHERE but they are all so busy on nights like this). We decided to stop and take advantage of a 30 minute foot massage for $2.50. (; It was so relaxing, and it was that moment of sitting there, getting massaged, drinking a smoothie that we decided Chiang Mai was our favorite thing ever. 

The whole feel of that market was lots of fun. I bought some street dumplings, and even though they were terrible (I had high hopes of them tasting like my favorite Lithuanian dumplings), it was fun. Beach bought a bag of fried crickets, just to try one (do it for the Vine), and she hated it. (Still proud she tried one at all, no way for me.) We bought some cute jewelry. And mostly just enjoyed wandering around looking at what the literally never-ending booths had to offer.

When we’d had our fill of it, we caught a taxi back to the mall next-door to our room to grab some dinner. We found a restaurant called The Pizza Company, and we got chicken fingers, fries, and pastas. It was an awesome dinner. A little unauthentic... (; But delicious. 

Then we went home for the night! ....or so we thought.

Once we got there, we put in the WiFi password listed on the check-in instructions. Our phones said they were connected, but it wasn’t working. We were super frustrated, because once again, WiFi is crucial for us here. We tried to reset the router, unplug it, etc. but nothing worked. So back to the mall we went, to get WiFi to message Weer-pon about our WiFi not working. Back to good ole’ Starbucks. We got a message to him, and he was actually super quick about responding and saying that it should be fixed within 15 minutes, but if it wasn’t, to let him know. We were nervous to walk all the way back just to have it not work and to have to walk all the way to the mall and back AGAIN. But we figured that’s what we had to do.

Luckily, when we got back. it was working. I have no idea what he did, but we were so grateful. This AirBnB is fine, but a little strange. We don’t really have hot water, and our bed is basically a slab of concrete. But it’s private and it’s a place to stay, so we’ll get through it. 

We love Chiang Mai! <3