#go get a HOBBY also if wanking isn’t your thing

[lunaticamic]

it may be a controversial take but some of you guys really need to get laid. whatever

[asweetprologue]

Nili’s Benchmark Geraskier Fic Rec List

hey yall! I officially hit 750 followers (a few days ago, I blew past the benchmark without even realizing!), which is... insane. I truly can’t believe that so many people over the last year have enjoyed my presence in this fandom enough to continue to follow my work. you guys are so great and I love you all so much, so I decided to put together a gift for you!

this is a list of my favorite geraskier fics from the fandom, which I have been putting together over the last year or so. a few of these are big in the fandom, but a lot of them are smaller pieces that I feel deserve more attention! I have provided ao3 and tumblr links where I could find them, as well as ratings and summaries. Most of these are canon!verse because I’m not personally a big fan of modern au’s, but there will be a few of those scattered throughout as well. I’ve divided the fics into two sections: oneshots and multichapter. See the list below the cut!

Being in this fandom truly has gotten me through the pandemic in a big way and I have made so many good friends while here. thank you all for validating my weird obsession with these characters and enabling me in these trying times <3

Oneshots

all that was good, all that was fair (all that was me is gone) | M | 7517 | WARNING: Graphic Depictions Of Violence | @xdandelionxbloomx

Somewhere, deep in a forest, a man drags himself from his grave by sheer power of will. He lies gasping on the forest floor and does not know who or what he is. The world is wide and wonderful, though, and there is so much to see.

Or, Jaskier is so stubborn that he literally comes back from the dead.

Another fascinating addition to the mythology of the Witcher. Jaskier’s slow rediscovery of himself is so well done here. One I’ve come back to again and again. 

As Fast As Love Can Go | T | 9628 | @bygodstillam

There are Faeries in the Wood.

That's what everyone said, at least, not that there was any solid proof. Jaskier had tried, more than once, to find some. Just a hint somewhere, of a real story, of real magic. But all anyone seemed to have was stories.

Jaskier was determined to find proof. He wasn't expecting to find a witcher in the process.

Fascinating fic with some really interesting worldbuilding, and a fresh new take on True Love’s Kiss. Also with some great art by @hehearse!

beautiful, he stirs up still things | T | 2575 | @alittlebitmaybe

“You’re not asking me to dance,” says Geralt.

Jaskier turns his palm up on his knee, offering it. “I think you’ll find I am.”

Just them dancing. This is a lovely sort of pre-relationship dynamic. So soft.

Dialogue Prompt | NR | 2932 | @reinvent-and-believe

Dialogue Prompt 48: “You make me want things I can’t have.” Wordless I-love-you 50: buying them a special treat when you go out shopping

Geralt gets Jaskier a gift, which prompts some confessions.

Even a small love | E | 22,272 | WARNING: Rape/Non-Con 

“Well,” Jaskier replies distractedly. “Lots of things want to strangle you.”

“You don’t.”

It isn’t a particularly troublesome accusation, or even necessarily an accusation at all.

This is one I read early on in the fandom, and it really stuck with me. The dynamic between Jaskier and Geralt is perfect, and the misunderstandings between them feel so realistic. The non-con is not extreme, but do mind the warnings. 

For the Space of a Heartbeat | T | 2021 | @drowningbydegrees

As it turns out, falling into bed with your very best friend who you are privately very much in love with isn't nearly so nerve wracking as waking up with them the morning after.

Just sweet, morning after discussions. I love to see them talking for once.

Greensleeves | T | 10,414 | @rebrandedbard

When Geralt crosses paths with Jaskier in the spring, the world is dressed in green. Quite literally. Everyone everywhere is wearing green, and it all comes down to a song Jaskier has written that, to his mortification, has become popular throughout the Continent. It's torment, being forced to preform the song over and over again and have his heart broken anew. But who is this Lady Greensleeves the people say Jaskier is so maddeningly, heartbrokenly in love with? At the baron's wedding party, Geralt is determined to find out.

This is one of my personal faves - there’s just something about Jaskier’s feelings being put on blast while Geralt remains totally oblivious that I think is so very them. And the resolution at the end is delightful.

I Don’t Wanna Fall (If It’s Not In Love) | E | 13,902 | @writinglizards

The first time it's out of desperation. Things get rapidly out of hand from there.

OR the building of a relationship through mutual wank sessions.

I love everything Ashley writes, but this one was the first fic I read by her and it still has a warm place in my heart. I also highly recommend It’s Been A While (makes me cry every time) and Tell Me Honestly

Like a Storm, Like a Flood | T | 1065 | @valdomarx

Jaskier is leaving for the winter, and Geralt can't bear the thought of not seeing him for months.

It was soooo hard to pick only one fic by George, but this one is so soft and sweet and yearning I just had to go with it. This is really just about Geralt finally hitting a breaking point and saying enough is enough.

one flesh | E | 10,763 | WARNING: MCD 

“Well, then. I’m a ghost.” Jaskier spread his arms grandly. Geralt held his gaze for a moment, then dropped his head and laughed. Jaskier put his hands on his hips. “Do fill me in on what’s so funny.” It wasn’t funny. It was just so - ridiculous, the things Geralt’s fucked up brain would invent. This had to be the last nail in the sanity coffin, it just had to be.

Or: Jaskier is a ghost, and Geralt is a mess.

Jaskier dies and comes back as a ghost to haunt Geralt into taking care of himself. Geralt does not handle this gracefully. This fic is so sad and heartbreaking, but the ending is so sweet.

to render it transparent | E | 23,901

Geralt wakes up warm, peaceful, and utterly content, which is how he knows that something is severely wrong.

Sigh. This fic. This is a time travel fic - Geralt ends up in the future living with Jaskier on the coast, just after the mountain. It’s slow and beautiful and extremely bittersweet, all about how we choose to love people despite how much it can hurt us.

With All the Continent A Stage | M | 4745 | @greyduckgreygoose

Later, Geralt learned that the play was four hours long. Four hours long. It didn’t feel like it. Most of it passed by in a fever dream of ominous music, dance-fighting and dryads in gossamer leaves, swinging from hoops attached to the ceiling. Yennefer made an appearance, played by Priscilla in a glittering negligee. She sang a song to Geralt about putting him “Under Her Spell”, and they had a sensual dance number which was made a little strange by a sickened Jaskier (played by Jaskier) coughing loudly in the background.

(Jaskier invites Geralt to a musical production inspired by his own life.)

Jaskier basically writes Geralt a love letter in the form of a four hour long play. Geralt is an idiot about it.

Multi-Chapter Fics

A Lover’s Lament | M | 25,364 | @somedrunkpirate

So,” Jaskier begins, as casually as he can, “you are telling me, that in theory, if I were to be in love with someone — anyone — that person could well be in terrible danger?”

Of all terrible and ridiculous things that have threatened Geralt’s safety, Jaskier’d never thought that loving him might be what will get him killed.

I honestly can’t count the number of times I’ve read this fic. The monster is so interesting, and the mythos of it fits seamlessly into the world of the Witcher in my mind. Jaskier being so afraid that his feelings are going to put Geralt at risk, clearly unable to see that Geralt is going through the exact same thing. I think about the scene with them looking at each other almost daily. 

A Pair of Gloves, the Scent of Roses | M | 24,134 | WARNING: Graphic Depictions of Violence

In the bustling days before the Midsummer festival, Geralt is sent into the countryside to deal with a monster - with Jaskier once again by his side. But the bard has not forgiven him, and while he's not hiding his contempt for the Witcher, he is recalcitrant about revealing his true motives for joining him. As the hunt turns into a desperate mission to save an innocent man and the monster is not what is seems to be, Geralt learns a few new things about his old friend and decides to finally attempt to mend the rift between them...

This is one of my favorite’s in the fandom - it feels so believable, the world is so rich and the oc’s are convincing and charming. Geralt and Jaskier feel so honest here, stumbling around each other but still drawn together. Beautiful beautiful beautiful

Bearing the will of the flower | NR | 11,449 

The way Jaskier sees it, his hobby of following a witcher around was always pretty likely to get him killed.

The fact that it's happening now because the witcher in question doesn't love him, he thinks as he coughs up crumpled flowers, hardly makes a difference.

My favorite hanahaki fic in the fandom. I’m such a sucker for these, and these two idiots being so incapable of talking about their feelings really makes them prime candidates. 

Food of Love | T | 22,488 | @wallatile-qvibbler

I brought a dead princess back to life through the power of song is the kind of thing that would have got an eyebrow raise even from the stone-faced Geralt of Rivia, so it's a good thing he and Geralt will probably never see each other again.

(or: the one where Jaskier channels magic through his songs, and it almost never goes as expected.)

This is a Jaskier and Renfri centric fic, which wasn’t something I knew I wanted until I read this. Jaskier is a bard which in this AU comes with magical powers, but it feels so well integrated into the universe that I wish it was just... how the Witcher is. Renfri is so good here, and even though Jaskier and Geralt barely even interact you can feel the tension and love between them. Cannot recommend highly enough.

friends and allies of the witcher | T | 10,312 | @theamazingbard

Yennefer crawls over to her newest cellmate. They’re curled up on their side. Breathing, but only just. She’s not sure what she’s hoping for when she turns them over. Still isn’t when she sees that it is indeed Jaskier.

“Shit."

Yennefer and Jaskier each suffer in more ways than one at the hands of Nilfgaard.

Yennefer and Jaskier get capture by Nilfgaard and tossed into a cell together. Exactly what I want out of season 2 honestly. Their interactions are gold.

I’d Be the Choiceless Hope | E | 45,188 | WARNING: Rape/Non-Con | @lesdemonium

As a baby, Jaskier was visited by a fae, who gifted Jaskier's mother with Jaskier's obedience. As Jaskier grew older, the "gift" became more of a curse.

You know I’m not gonna make a rec list without listing Zoe’s Ella Enchanted au. Need I say more?

Silver and Copper | M | 56,139 | WARNING: Graphic Depictions of Violence | @kaer-cuan

Geralt is just supposed to pass through the quiet Lettenhove area. He's not anticipating being begged by its people to help save their viscount from a curse that keeps him from daylight. Lord Jaskier, they call him, and he's likely dying.

As Geralt struggles to untangle the ugly web of history that has lead to the increasingly complicated curse, he finds himself spending more and more time with the strange young viscount and wondering just what he might have been before the curse, and who he might be after. But things are not always as they seem, and as the curse tightens its grip on Jaskier, Geralt is forced to face the fear of failing yet another person whose choices were stolen from them.

Or-

Jaskier is kept from becoming a bard. Geralt finds him anyway.

This is a fic that haunts me. It’s very scary in parts, and mind the tags - there are some very heavy themes here. But it’s beautiful and touching, and Jaskier feels very true to himself even though his origin is so different.

we could be married (and then we'd be happy) | E | 50,222 | @a-kind-of-merry-war

Jaskier reached into his pocket, fingers grasping around the little box. He pulled it out with what he hoped was a romantic flourish, flipping it open to reveal the simple gold band inside. “Geralt,” he said, confidently, cooly, like this wasn’t terrifying, “Will you marry me?”

Geralt and Jaskier fake marriage proposals to get free deserts and shit but it goes tits up when Vesemir catches them in the act. Not knowing how to fess up, they go along with it for a while, which is hell because they’re both pining like mad. As I said, I don’t love modern au’s, but it’s merry so of course this one had to end up on my list.

~

And that’s it! 20 fics for you, and hopefully you can all find one or two you haven’t read before. There are a lot of people and fics that I didn’t include in this list only because I was trying to not put a million down (which I could). I highly recommend anything by @wherethewordsare, @julek, @contemplativepancakes, @witcher-and-his-bard, and @inber, as well as those linked to fics above, and I’m sure there are others I forgot to mention. Yall have truly made being in this fandom worthwhile <3

[lightwoodsmagic]

There is a difference between fans and conspiracy theorists. Don't play dumb it doesn't suit you.

...

I know you’re sending this to everyone but it’s so weird to me because I’ve been MIA basically for literally weeks.

Anyway.

I know you think you’re tough and telling people off and probably sending messages in your little group chat saying you’re sending abusive asks to Larries (because I’ve seen some of the others, and wow), and I know some of your little friends are most likely sitting there saying ‘oh my god that’s hilarious, that’s SO funny, they DESERVE it, you’re SO groundbreaking, that’ll show them 😌’ and so you feel good about yourself for a while because you’re getting that validation.

But I also know that there are some of your friends or people on Twitter that are saying ‘Oof even that’s too far for us, you should never send death threats or wish for someone to k*ll themselves’ or ‘I’m not a larrie but doing that is pretty weird, going from blog to blog’ and then suddenly it starts to eat at you just a little bit and then the validation you’re getting from your friends isn’t enough because maybe someone on TV talks about cyber bullying or you hear your family talking about someone who k*led themselves in the news because they were being told they should online and then your confidence grows smaller and smaller and you think ‘maybe I shouldn’t have done that, maybe I should’ve just ignored it’ and then when you’re older it’s just gonna sit with you that you took genuine time out of your day to harass people over something you could’ve just ignored but oh, you wanted the clout amongst your friends but even that’s not enough now.

And then when you get old enough, you’re gonna look back at things you did on the internet and maybe you’ll still try and find them funny and you’ll tell new people that you meet about the ‘funny’ things you did once and they’ll just laugh awkwardly and one of them will tell you that’s not okay and then you’ll realise how much of an absolute wank stain you were on society and that has to sit with you for the rest of your life. For me, I stop thinking about you the second I post this. For you, this just lives in your head.

I could’ve ignored this, but truly I just wanted to let you know that you’re a bit of a cunt who needs to get a hobby.

[notbecauseofvictories]

oh I'm interested in the tag novel on how fan spaces becoming more meat spacey benefits the producers!! also happy Halloween! 🖤🧡🖤🧡

It’s not a particularly academic argument---I don’t have sources to back this up, I haven’t done research. I’m also wary of painting a picture of “fandom” as anything more than a lot of weasels in a trenchcoat, because that word means a lot of things to a lot of different people, some of whom hate each other. But as long as everybody understands that this is the ethnographical equivalent of drunkenly throwing darts at a copy of the AJS...sure.

[under a cut because it’s long and baseless, and also I had a lot of thoughts and feelings. Sorry.]

My basic premise is that fandom occupies “fanspace.” Fanspace is not solely online, since fanzines and conventions are fanspace too, but since the 90s it has become increasingly and primarily internet based. While some websites are designated fanspace (e.g., AO3, ff.net, stand-alone fansites) fanspace is not necessarily contiguous with a hosting site (e.g., there is fanspace on tumblr, but tumblr is not a fanspace). Fanspace is really just those urls, message boards, threads, blogs, accounts, etc. designated for fandom and/or where fannish activity takes place.

Its deeply-rooted internet presence has allowed fanspace and what I call “meatspace” to operate on different rules. Meatspace has always informed fan spaces, of course---disclaimers on fic to ward off accusations of copyright infringement, for example, or asking readers to attest that they’re over 13 before reading an R-rated fic. But traditionally, fandom has accepted as norm things that don’t apply to meatspace: fake names and anonymous posts, pictures of someone else’s characters, lengthy self-published stories featuring violence, explicit sex, sometimes even gay people. Fanspace is in many ways an artificial carve out from meatspace, where fewer of its rules apply; fanspace supplements these with its own norms.

The division between fanspace and meatspace is not and has never been a clear, settled line, however. Debates on how much meatspace should inform fan spaces have been raging for as long as I’ve been on the internet, and to be fair to meatspace, it has made good points. (I’m not sure if “don’t be racist,” counts as a meatspace rule given...racism, but fandom frequently reacts to it like a meatspace intrusion so I think it should count.)

However, what used to be intra-fandom conversations have become increasingly more public, for a few reasons:

Part of this is just the natural development of the internet---it’s not like fanspace was ever hidden, but there just weren’t as many people online, and stuff was harder to find in a pre-google, pre-algorithmic promotion world.

Part of it is the changing architecture of fanspace---websites shutting down, Strikethrough, and the tumblr porn ban have all, in their own ways, served to alter fanspace and move towards more and more public-facing sites.

But part of it---and this is the biggest factor, I think---is that over the last two decades, we’ve seen content-producers** increasingly willing to engage with fandom. 

On its face, this sounds good! After all, fans like people who make things, people who make things want fans. What could possibly be wrong about both sides recognizing their mutualism?

I think this works when the most interaction you could expect with a creator was showing up a bookstore to ask Tamora Pierce a question, or writing fanmail to Paul Gross. But it falls apart when you consider just how public-facing fanspaces have become, and just how much interest content-producers have taken in cultivating the fannish audience. Content-producers engaging directly with fandom are a thumb on the scales of mutualism, and a heavy one. After all, one side of the relationship is a loosely collected anarchic cult, migrating along a series of websites they mostly don’t control, making do with nothing but ongoing wank and general obsessive tendencies. 

The other side has D*sney, Harper Collins, and Comcast.

That thumb on the scale has paid off, more than I think even the content-producers could have anticipated. Fandom is good at loving what it loves and talking loudly about it, but capitalism is way better at doing what it does---turning everything into profit. So now people pay $100 a pop to go to Harry Potter World. Conventions are well-produced extensions of their parent companies, raking in money and providing a blitz of publicity---directly to the source most likely to take your messaging and amplify it. Make a superhero movie and the minute the trailer drops you conjure up thousands of online fans will be your de facto, unpaid publicists---generating interest via fan art, fic, and controversy with minimal corporate effort.  Of course fic writers who have established online presence are the darlings of the publishing world---what publisher wouldn’t want a built-in hype machine for a new author? 

And, just coincidentally, of course, fanspace and meatspace are drawn closer together, that line further blurred by this new and very, very interested third party.

I’m not saying this is some big conspiracy. No tv exec is out there rubbing their hands together and cackling evilly about how they’re going ruin fandom. But in exchange for meatspace validation and an endless stream of new content, I think fandom has ceded important ground. And I think it’s changing fanspaces, even now:

One of the founding rules of fanspace is that it does not generate money---you risk real copyright infringement that way. (This isn’t to say that money hasn’t been involved in a few massive fandom scandals, but it’s not typical.) Increasingly, however, the grumblings about getting paid for fan art and fic have gotten louder, probably due to meatspace’s general emphasis on the side-hustle, and seeing content-producers churn out more and more fan-like things for a profit.

(It seems unimaginable now, but once upon a time the HP Lexicon was an invaluable resource, a rare unicorn in a pre-wikipedia age. Now, D*sney wouldn’t even think of releasing a tentpole movie without a novelization, a picture dictionary, and a tie-in novel.)

Also, those calls for fan art that “might be featured” by a content-producer are (rightfully) scorned for asking for work pro bono. But the takeaway seems to be “we deserve to be paid for our fan art!” rather than “how dare the content-producer intrude on our fanspace and its activities!”

Fanspaces have never expected or required legal ID, permitting anonymous or pseudonymous activity in order to protect individual privacy. And while there’s still no expectation you link your legal ID with your online/fan ID, the norm has shifted---it’s no longer considered gauche to go by your legal ID, even necessary when turning mutuals and followers into an “audience.” We’re not anonymous fans, engaged in our mutual hobby anymore---some people are doing that, and others are potential content-creators.

I’d argue that even purity wank if an example of this new blurring, classic “don’t like don’t read” arguments taking on new life now that meatspace is so nearby---we wouldn’t want to offend the neighbors!

Even these things benefit the content-producers: the more fan-like stuff they churn out, the less fanspaces will create on their own; the more fanspaces that emphasize linking legal ID to online ID, the less people will be able to engage in fan activities privately; the more meatspace rules assert themselves on fanspaces, the less fanspace we’ll have.

Now, maybe this is just...evolution. As I said before, there is a porous and shifting border between fanspace and meatspace. I remember angry threads about whether m/m fics should be rated higher than a het equivalent; I remember the tagging debates, the incredible resistance to accurately describing what happens in your fic. Maybe in a few years, my longing to return to a more separate fanspace will seem equally as embarrassing, incorrect, and unnecessary. 

But right now, it feels more like an erosion---one fandom is about as willing or able to resist as the tide.

.

** “Content maker” is a term that’s come to mean “anyone who makes something” which is sheer nonsense. There’s a difference between publishers/television producers/movie studios and someone recording a podcast in their bathroom. There’s even a difference between D*sney, a vast undead creative monopoly animated by copyright protections, and someone like James Patterson, who uses a stable of ghostwriters to churn out “his” works. We shouldn’t be scrutinizing all these things them the same way, it’s lazy, and intellectually dishonest.

[lillupon]

Hi. How are you?

I’ve been thinking quite a lot about Mingyu being smitten with Wonwoo. I wanted to write about it sooner but have not had the energy to write, even though I was pretty motivated to write, which I haven’t felt in a while. Writing these little snippets for AEV has reignited my passion for writing. So thanks for letting me write these little snips for AEV. 🙏🏼

So I have this process. I write the plot and then edit it to make it flow better, like a story. However, this week, I couldn’t move past the plotting, so this is what you’ll get. I’m sorry, but I’m sick of staring at this and trying to edit this.

Anyway.

Once they get together, I’ll bet Mingyu spends a lot of time in his room, just thinking about Wonwoo (I was just going to write that he keeps wanking off to the thoughts of Wonwoo, but that makes it seem like Mingyu’s just horny for Wonwoo, which he isn’t). He does wank off to the thoughts of Wonwoo quite a bit because the omega is so incredibly sexy, but a lot of times Mingyu thinks about the older’s smile. The way his eyes crinkle at the corners when he does. Or how he scrunches his nose when he’s amused or thinking deeply about something (shamelessly plugging in my own love for Wonwoo’s little nose scrunchies). He thinks of Wonwoo’s pink lips, how sexy he looks when he bites them or runs his tongue along them (also, me). He pictures the dips on Wonwoo’s stomach, how they tense under his touch. How Wonwoo’s gorgeous thighs wrap around him, keeping him in place, as if Wonwoo can’t stand being even an inch away from his alpha. He smiles when he recalls how the omega has to stand up on his tippy toes to kiss the younger, their size difference pleasing every Alpha part of him (again, my own obsession with their size difference).

Mingyu wishes he had pictures of Wonwoo on his phone, but his friends are assholes who cannot be trusted, hence he has to make do with closing his eyes and imagining his teacher. Still, it’s not too bad considering that Wonwoo’s countenance seems to be etched into his mind, and every waking second - most of the times in his dreams, too, now - he spends thinking about the omega.

Mingyu doesn’t even remember the future he had envisioned for himself before Wonwoo. Now, one without Wonwoo in it is bleak and desolate. He spends hours just picturing what his future would look like with Wonwoo in it. Wonwoo would continue to work at Pointe Pledis while Mingyu would be at university. They’d make the long distance (I don’t really know how far Gose Tech is from Pointe Pledis, but I imagine it’s not so close that they can both live together) work. On his holidays, he’d come home to Wonwoo. Home, he thinks, because, even though it hasn’t been that long, he cannot imagine a home without Wonwoo, now. The thought brings Mingyu unadulterated joy.

As happy as he is with Wonwoo, Mingyu does have a few insecurities, as well. Wonwoo is handsome, kind, intelligent, mature. A lot of times Mingyu wonders what the incredible omega sees in him. He sometimes wonders if it is just sexual on Wonwoo’s part. But it isn’t, is it? Why would Wonwoo call them boyfriends if that were the case? His biggest fear these days is that Wonwoo would find someone better suited for him. An older alpha who could take care of the omega better. Mingyu thinks of himself as mature, but he is still a teenager. He tries hard to make Wonwoo see him as a dependable and reliable alpha, but he’s still fearful and anxious.

It also scares Mingyu a bit, how they’d come out to their friends and families. How would Mingyu introduce Wonwoo to his parents? His own sister was one of Wonwoo’s students, and she knows that Wonwoo is Mingyu teacher. There’s no way his parents would not find out. His friends, too, will know. Maybe he can keep his relationship with Wonwoo a secret until he graduates from college. They can then concoct a story about getting closer after Mingyu’s graduation.

It’s going to be difficult keeping his relationship from his friends, though. They know him too well. Already, they’re suspicious why Mingyu has been so happy lately. Even Chaeyong keeps mentioning that Mingyu can’t seem to keep the smile off his face. Maybe it’s too early to start imagining a life with Wonwoo, so far into the future, but Mingyu can’t help it. Wonwoo may just be the best thing that’s ever happened to him.

It usually takes me a few minutes to write these snips usually, but this time I took a fucking week to finish this. I’m sure there’s a lot of grammatical errors and whatnot in this, but I seriously cannot look at this piece of shit anymore.

Have a great week!

So cool to hear that AEV and Minwon have reignited your passion for writing (ಥ﹏ಥ) Please don’t be sorry--I’m just glad you’re blessing us with your writing!

Mingyu is indeed a lovesick puppy. When he’s not talking to Wonwoo, he’s fantasizing about Wonwoo and all the things they can do or talk about when they next meet. Their nightly phonecalls are his favourite part of the day, and making Wonwoo laugh is his new favourite hobby. I love the way you write about Mingyu’s thoughts; it’s both very sweet and sexy. Mingyu loving their size difference is so fucking cute grrrヾ(`ヘ´)ﾉﾞHe probably can’t get over how small Wonwoo is underneath him, how easily he can pick his omega up.

I’ve also spent a lot of time thinking about how Mingyu and Wonwoo might go public with their relationship, particularly with the important people in their lives. It’d be another hurdle they have to overcome in their relationship, that’s for sure. It might actually warrant an entire arc or even a fic of its own *thonking*

Thank you for sharing your writing. Have a great week ahead ♡

[ghostofbambifanfiction]

For the texting prompts, “challenge”

Beatrice Booth: Two hours and counting!

Lily Evans: Yeah, I’M AWARE, thank you.

Beatrice Booth: Just reminding you bb pip pip!

Lily Evans: Could you PLEASEJUST

Beatrice Booth: It’s for your own good

Lily Evans: You are asking me to make a major life change and instead of love and support I’m getting “pip pip!” and “two hours and counting!”

Beatrice Booth: LOL major life change ok ms drama

Lily Evans: I’m sorry, but in what universe does this NOT change things?

Beatrice Booth: You’re acting like things are going to change in a bad way

Lily Evans: They might.

Beatrice Booth: They won’t

Lily Evans: They MIGHT.

Beatrice Booth: OMG just get on with it ffs I’m growing a beard here waiting.

Lily Evans: I. Am. Doing. It. Now. Go. Away.

Beatrice Booth: LOL send screenshotsDo you have a plan?

Lily Evans: Sort of.

Beatrice Booth: What is it?

*

Lily Evans: How am I even supposed to START and also who TEXTS someone to tell them how they feel about them in the first place that’s so impersonal and I HATE you, honestly????

James Potter: what?

Lily Evans: Oh, shit.I’m sorry, I typed this in the wrong conversation.It’s meant to be for Beatrice.

James Potter: that’s okay

Lily Evans: I’ll have to get back to you on how I somehow mistook your Whatsapp pic for hers.

James Potter: i don’t know what you’re talking about, beatrice looks exactly like a huge ginger cat wearing a male stripper’s bow tie

Lily Evans: What distinguishes it as a stripper’s bow tie and not just a bow tie?Is there a specific website where strippers buy their apparel?

James Potter: yeah it’s where i buy all of my tearaway trousersit’s a stripper’s bow tie because algernon is otherwise naked, obviously

Lily Evans: Obviously.So…can any piece of clothing can be stripper clothing if it’s the only thing you’re wearing?Which by default means you can wear stripper clothes when you’re not stripping?

James Potter: anything but crocs

Lily Evans: That’s fair.A naked person in crocs already has more problems than I’m ever likely to face in my lifetime.

James Potter: yeah but they’re getting terrific arch support

Lily Evans: What about shower caps?

James Potter: ANYTHING but crocs

Lily Evans: So you’d rather be in a strip club where the strippers were wearing a shower cap than one where the strippers wore crocs?

James Potter: i’d rather not be in any strip club, they’re depressing and full of creepslike whyeveryone knows why you’re therethe women don’t like youif you’re gonna be a sad pervert have the decency to keep that between you and your google search history

Lily Evans: What’s the last thing on your Google search history?

James Potter: “world’s largest lego store?”what’s yours?

Lily Evans: “How to tell the boy you like that you like him because your stupid best friend beat you in a year-long contest and forced you to do it as a forfeit?”Subheading: “She SAYS this is her idea of lockdown self-improvement but that’s bullshit, she’s just thirsty for drama”

James Potter: ahrightokay coolfirst text makes sense then hahawait, YEAR long????

Lily Evans: Yeah, look, it had a lot of different components and a whole escalating points system and it’s a whole thing, whatever, I’m never doing it again.Her victories were total flukes.Like, wow, you guessed the Eurovision winner, well done.I’m also pretty sure she was cheating with the steps counter but I don’t even want to get into that, honestly.

James Potter: mum gave me and sirius fitbits so she could make sure we took 10000 a day and sirius tricked her by putting his on his right wrist when he was wanking

Lily Evans: It’s weird that you know that.

James Potter: it’s weird that you don’t, he tells everyonedid you find anything?

Lily Evans: Where?

James Potter: in your google search?

Lily Evans: I found “100 Inspiring Quotes That Will Increase Your Confidence,” so no.

James Potter: inspiring quotes are like placebos except at no point do they have you fooledyou know they’re not gonna work

Lily Evans: Yeah, like it’s nice that some guy named Norman Vincent Peale wants me to believe in myself but that doesn’t suddenly mean that I do.

James Potter: you should believe in yourself, you’re brilliantbut you should also narrow your search parameters because that situation is way too specific

Lily Evans: I do believe in myself. Mostly.But like, not only do I have to tell this person that I have a crush on him, I have to do it to a bloody deadline.Nothing really prepares you for that, you can’t take romantic entanglements for your A Level.And apparently Google’s unfamiliar with the concept, so.

James Potter: it’s not remus, is it?tell me it’s not remus

Lily Evans: What?

James Potter: the person you fancy?i mean, not that i have any personal investment in the issue i just know he likes beatrice and wouldn’t want you to get hurt and that’s the tea

Lily Evans: ????????What makes you think it’s Remus?

James Potter: i dunno he justhe seems like the kind of person you’d like

Lily Evans: Me specifically?

James Potter: yeah

Lily Evans: Because?

James Potter: because he’s academic in a good way

Lily Evans: There’s a bad way to be academic?

James Potter: course there isremus is academic in the way that tries, not the way that fucks around and gets good marks by coasting on natural brilliance, which according to my mum can cultivate laziness and that’s why my chore list is so extensivehe’s funny in a dry wayhe’s not a dramatic idiothis hair is tidyhe probably understands mortgages

Lily Evans: You’re describing a male me and I don’t know why you think I’d want to date that.Also, I’m seventeen.Why would I need to understand mortgages?

James Potter: i hear it’s good to get on the property ladder early

Lily Evans: Do you WANT me to be into Remus?

James Potter: there’s no good answer to that question

Lily Evans: Because I’m not into Remus.You have a really skewed idea of what my type is.

James Potter: are you sure?

Lily Evans: Yeah, no, I’m pretty sure I haven’t mistaken him for the totally DIFFERENT person I fancy.

James Potter: i think he has an everyman quality that people find quite charmingit’s possible that you could have

Lily Potter: He’s not a Ditto, James. He can’t transform at will.

James Potter: though thinking about itwould be a bit weird if beatrice was pushing you to tell remus you liked himshe’s mentioned liking remus once or twice

Lily Evans: Once or twice a minute.I can’t believe you thought that “academic” and “understands mortgages” were my major qualifiers.Like, honestly it’s a bit offensive that you think I’m that stodgy.

James Potter: no it isn’t and i never said stodgyit was a commentary on how mature you are!and how you have sensible priorities!

Lily Evans: You say “mature” but you mean “stodgy.”

James Potter: that is not what i mean

Lily Evans: BRB digging out one of my nan’s cardigans and buying some thermal underwear and maybe taking up bridge as a hobby.Maybe I can book a spot on one of those OAP singles cruises and meet someone at a shuffleboard tournament?If I’m lucky he’ll have a full pension.

James Potter: i feel like i should inform you that plenty of old people are out there living wild livesi mean, not right now because of lockdown, but

Lily Evans: But apparently I’m not.

James Potter: what’s wrong with liking those things about a person??i like those things about youand about peopleplural

Lily Evans: NOTHING but they shouldn’t be THE thing.Like, it’s so mercenary. You’re saying I’d only want to date someone because they stand a good chance of making it in a decent career and being a good provider and not because they’re sweet or kind or funny.

James Potter: firstly, i mentioned that remus is funny and secondly that’s not what i meanti meant that you would want to date someone who was your intellectual equal so you would never feel that you weren’t smart enough for them or that they weren’t smart enough to stay on your level

Lily Evans: And that translates to “academic in a good way” how?

James Potter: okay what i just said was a) true and b) a straight up compliment and you’re just blowing right past it

Lily Evans: Maybe I am, but that still doesn’t explain how it translates.Like, since I’m assuming that you, THE smartest person I know, think you’re academic in a bad way, does that mean you think YOU’RE not on my level?Is that a conversation we need to have now?

James Potter: my middle name is oddjob

Lily Evans: Wait what??

James Potter: you’ve mistaken my compliment for an insult and you’re mad at me so i’m trying to distract youand just so you knowthis is my deepest darkest secretonly sirius and my parents know my middle name

Lily Evans: Wait, Oddjob like the Bond villain??????

James Potter: you are part of an elite group of people i’d trust with my life so please appreciate thatyes like the bond villain

Lily Evans: Were you a particularly complicated birth or something?Were your parents punishing you somehow?

James Potter: complicated pregnancymum was on bedrest for weeksshe was so bored that she watched all of the bond movies because they were the only films dad kept in the house and streaming wasn’t a thing back then, and that’s the story of why my name is james instead of sebastian

Lily Evans: James Oddjob.

James Potter: james oddjob

Lily Evans: They were going to call you Sebastian?

James Potter: mum’s choiceshe thought it was debonair and rakish

Lily Evans: I’m…really disproportionately thrilled that they didn’t go with Sebastian.

James Potter: because i’m not rakish or debonair enough?

Lily Evans: No, because you’re such a James.

James Potter: what qualifies a person to be “such a james?”

Lily Evans: I dunno.It’s just you, isn’t it? Your personality. You’re a James.

James Potter: there are loads of other people with that name, you know

Lily Evans: Yeah, and every time I speak to one I’m like, who is this clown and why is he using a name that doesn’t belong to him?

James Potter: lol

Lily Evans: #NotMyJames

James Potter: oh, so i’m YOUR james now?

Lily Evans: You know what I mean.

James Potter: no i don’t, please explain yourselfdid you call dibs?sirius will be pissed

Lily Evans: Do you want me to get mad at you again?

James Potter: were you ever really mad to begin with?

Lily Evans: SIGH. No.

James Potter: can’t believe you typed out a sigh

Lily Evans: I’m just stressed.I have…just over an hour? To tell this guy I like him.And Beatrice is demanding screenshots as proof.

James Potter: why is she even making you do this?

Lily Evans: She says that he likes me too and we’re just wasting time that could otherwise be spent swiping our v-cards in a slow march towards death, and that in the event that he doesn’t, we won’t be able to see each other for weeks anyway so I can avoid any awkward encounters.It’s a compelling argument, must admit.Assuming he hasn’t already…swiped?I haven’t swiped.Have you swiped?I’m talking about sex, by the way.

James Potter: yeah, i got that i’m not twelveno i have not swipedbut you want to?with this person who also likes you and would therefore also want to?

Lily Evans: Only according to Beatrice. He probably doesn’t.And I mean, not immediately. Not like, right now. But eventually, yeah.

James Potter: brb my mum’s calling me from downstairs

*

James Potter: pls come home from supermarket mum D: D: D: D:

Euphemia Potter: What’s wrong darling?

James Potter: i am dying

Euphemia Potter: What?

James Potter: i am in severe pain

Euphemia Potter: Where is the pain?

James Potter: in my emotions

Euphemia Potter: For goodness’ sake, James!Sending me a message like that during an international crisis!I thought you were seriously ill!

James Potter: heartbreak IS a serious afflictioni’ve just found out that lily has a crush on someone!!!??? and i am?? dying????

Euphemia Potter: Who does she have a crush on?

James Potter: i don’t know, she hasn’t said his name

Euphemia Potter: You tortoise, she obviously has a crush on you.

James Potter: you are biased in my favour because you are the woman who birthed me

Euphemia: Right now I am anything but biased in your favour.As punishment for subjecting your mother to needless worry, you can give the oven a good cleaning before I get home.That will cure you of your “affliction.”And remember to charge Diablo.

James Potter: you show that roomba more respect than you’ve ever shown me!

Euphemia Potter: Well at least the Roomba is useful.

James Potter: OUCH

*

James Potter: backturns out my mum just needed to insult me deeply

Lily Evans: Hey.

James Potter: still stressed out?

Lily Evans: Unbelievably.

James Potter: you know you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to, yeah?

Lily Evans: No, I do.I promised her I’d do it.And I want to tell him.Sort of.I do sometimes think he might like me back.He says things sometimes, you know? And he looks at me in a certain way and I just, idk.It’s just, how do I even broach that in a text message?

James Potter: i have no idea

Lily Evans: Like, just come out and say it?

James Potter: honestly evans, don’t think i’m the right person to asklike, reallynot the right personreally really REALLY not the person to ask about this

Lily Evans: But you must have an opinion?

James Potter: i have no opinions on anything everexcept crocs on strippers but disregard thatyou know what you should do? ask remushe’s wise like a wolf

Lily Evans: Since when are wolves known for their wisdom?

James Potter: owls thenhe could probably make helpful suggestions

Lily Evans: I like you.

James Potter: yeah, go with that, whatever works

Lily Evans: James

James Potter: what?

Lily Evans: I literally just…my GOD, Potter.

James Potter: what?

Lily Evans: Nothing.

James Potter: what????

Lily Evans: Nothing, honestly, it’s fine.I’ll tell you to your face when I next see you.

James Potter: tell me what?tell me what????wait nolilydo youwas that about me?tell me what?????lilylilyLILYTELL ME WHAT?

[rpbetter]

I genuinely don’t think the problem is as deep as people are seeing it as, with that whole resource blog and vent blog drama. I was there when it began, and it started because someone sent a submission that was recognizable enough to trace to that resource blog, who ended up calling themself out, and then a bunch of people dogpiling them, and then it turned into the 2021 edition of good old tumblr wank, mocking sockpuppets included. I essentially watched a bunch of 30 year olds call each other doodooheads like a couple kids on the playground, but at least kids forgive and forget after a day or two.

That’s probably why they’re avoiding this situation like the plague. The first time a submission went through about that resource blog, it made people feud like the Montagues and Capulets. Obviously they don’t wanna risk fueling that type of drama again. If it’s true that they aren’t letting these submissions through and it isn’t tied to reasons like tumblr eating the ask, then it’s probably because they don’t wanna be involved in this drama anymore. And I don’t blame them, because honestly, even as an observer I’m tired of seeing it, I can’t imagine how exhausting it must be for y’all who are actually involved. Geez. Who even has the energy for this much drama anyway? I’m tired just getting outta bed.

Sorry, Anon, I really had to!

Anyway, I'm sorry it took forever to get to your message, not only did I need a break from this, I needed to space out things related to it, it had taken over the blog. I appreciate that, despite how over it all you are, you were polite about how you feel. I know that is not always easy, and I do really appreciate it!

I hope that you don't feel I am being hostile to you about anything I say, it isn't meant that way. Differences of opinion, when not expressed hatefully, are always welcome here. I'm just going to try to express some of this situation from another perspective, and full disclosure, I'm pretty pissed off about it whether or not I actively want to be. This did impact my hobby, it did hurt people I care about, and I cannot believe such an unnecessary act lead to shit that is still going on.

On the first point...most things aren't as deep as we're given to feel they are after we've been made to feel incredibly unsafe, targeted, repeatedly let down and lied to, and experienced an astronomical level of sketchy behavior out of muns in a position that one is supposed to have some minor level of responsibility (as well as decent comportment) within. So, maybe it isn't that deep, but at this point, I very much cannot blame people for their concerns and suspicions.

And it was incredibly sketchy. CoaR, I'm just going to say it, everyone knows of which blog we're speaking at this point, did all of the following, breaking their own rules for moderation repeatedly:

allowed an actual, openly stated, callout blog to interact with their posts

allowed a meme blog to use their posts for the point of off-blog drama mongering, callouts, and outing themselves

would not moderate this situation as stated in their rules, when they've a bit of nasty record in the not too distant past of mass-blocking for far less and far more questionable reasons

did bother to post about how they weren't getting involved, as though this did not break multiple rules and absolutely is one's problem if it is your vent blog someone is using to create and foster bullying - simply giving the bizarre statement that blocking won't help anyone, when that isn't the point at all lol the point is being intolerant of people using your blog, that has to operate on a basis of being as safe a place as possible for venting (which is drama), this is about a stance and blog security, not being anyone's parent

just as weirdly vaguely threatening everyone first with all the mods "watching," because that's not actually implying an Orwellian parental role no one asked for, then with Sky once again misunderstanding the difference between being a " disciplinarian" and an ass

consistent lack of transparency on all counts

and then, yeah, there is the choice of publishing submissions/rebuttals combined with all of this and those submissions/rebuttals being what they are - not all related to "the drama," or in violation of the rules either, but the apparent willingness to publish them from one side of "the drama" there for a bit

I cannot blame people for feeling like all of this combined is a legitimately sketchy situation. One in which they've already, again, been made to feel unsafe within because COAR was used as a list for callouts.

When people see someone like Raven getting wildly different treatment by not being so much as warned, they're going to feel suspicion about the mod(s). It makes it so much worse that they chose to make the statements they did instead of a transparent, reasonable one like, "We apologize that CoaR was used the way it was, we should have blocked the callouts blog right away, but didn't. To reiterate the rules we've had in place for years, this blog is never to be used for callouts or taking bullying off-blog. Due to how widespread the problem has become, we will not be publishing anything related to it any longer. Submissions will be deleted so we can begin putting this behind us."

Acknowledge fault, apologize for it, say what you're doing to mitigate it now. That's it. Don't actively make it worse!

About the submissions...I know I'm alone in having tested that out. It isn't limited to things that either break the rules or are related to the issue. It's very select topics that are a bit uncomfortably aligned with the bias displayed, and from very select blogs. That's a problem. It's not selectively publishing based on drama-avoidance or rules, what CoaR has always done and no one here is taking an issue with.

I have 0 interest in things like trackers, they're far too easy/tempting to use maliciously for most people, and at the very best, they foster an environment of paranoia. What I know about them comes from really minimal personal experience (I wanted to see what posts people were most interested in on another blog, but it felt creepy with the amount of information I had, so I dropped that very fast) and what mutuals who use them have told me/questions they've answered.

So, is it possible the mod(s) is selectively deleting submissions from blogs they feel are a problem? Yes, it is totally possible. Do I know that for a fact? No, I totally do not. My point is that this is exactly the sort of paranoia that takes off when too many suspicious things happen back to back. You begin seeking the answers you are not getting, and you're seeking them because every day for a month or two, your experience logging in has been one of what the fresh hell. It's a need to insulate yourself from further exposure to harassment.

It's a very simple formula: act sketchy, people look at you like you're sketchy.

And I'm not going to condemn anyone for that.

I will also say that, unless several people deleted their comments or have me blocked in multiple places they somehow know of and take issue with, I did not see what you are describing when I read over the total explosion that happened...what, like a month, two months ago at this point? It was very fresh at the time.

What I saw was someone having submitted about a meme blog screenshotting their mutual's rules. Raven going off about it in a reblog. Two commentators trying to discuss the issue and finally, just saying they weren't surprised what meme blog it was once Raven outted themselves like a fully hinged individual interested in following CoaR's rules.

One of those s commentators is a friend, the mun whose rules were in the posts is a friend. I've never been anything but transparent about that. I'm also familiar with some of the other parties who ended up going on hiatus, but only from discussions on the vent blog over the years. So, yes, I do have personal investment here, and I do not feel like any of those people telling Raven and the callout blog they were at least involved with that their behavior was bullshit can be equated to immature shit slinging. There were even two muns who repeatedly tried to have a civil conversation with Raven, specifically, and for their efforts, got some of the most wildly juvenile treatment.

The worst things I saw came from hate anons and the callout blog.

The people receiving that treatment were largely driven off tumblr. For a time, forever, it differs with all of them. So, I feel like saying that about the thirty-year-olds thing is a little off. I'm not trying to be shitty, Anon, but the muns who tried to address Raven's bullshit were all of that age range. They're definitely continuing the drama, they're not here. They can't feel comfortable enough to be on their own blogs still.

I also am required ethically to say that we all really need to stop with throwing around ages like this. Again, I'm not trying to be hostile to you, Anon. I've been trying to show other people's perspective in this (it doesn't matter if you agree or not, I just think it's important to understanding, stopping, and prevent problems to have a fuller perspective that we often lack because we are incredibly tired of whatever is going on, and you're right, we are all really damn tired and also Tired), and as it is an advice blog, I try to address problems here. The pervasive ageism in the tumblr RPC is a problem.

It's a problem that gets discussed when it involves adults not wanting to interact with minors and, as I've seen it put several times, "treating them like the plague." There are a billion "conversations" and complaints about that, but there aren't many at all when it comes to the RPC's bizarre ideas about what age constitutes an adult (you're an actual child until around 23, you're ancient and need to die already, you pedo, at 26) and what being an adult actually is.

You do not turn thirty and lose your hobbies. You also do not turn thirty and become an ultra-mature adult, no leveling up into arcane Adult Knowledge and Behavior unlocks when you wake up on your thirtieth birthday. Between the ages of 17 and 27, you go through so many rapid changes in your cognition, but it levels off considerably after that. You're largely the same person at 32 as you were at 27, and you cannot say that about being...17 and 20, 22 and 25. It begins to take longer to see changes in who you are, those changes are less extreme - your personality, preferences, and viewpoints remain largely the same, they just refine a little here and there.

There is no line at which people "should" stop engaging in any hobby, and it's incredibly gross that the RPC seems to think anyone out of college-age should have no interests, let alone passionate ones, outside of going to work, having a family, and paying bills. That's a bit horrifyingly 1950's isn't it? It's also really misogynistic, considering that the primary base of the RPC is female or afab. When you deal in this, you're literally telling thirty-year-old people with uteruses that they should have no interests outside of birthing children and caring for them.

This isn't what you were doing, Anon, but it's part of the tumorous growth of this ideology that we casually throw around things like "a bunch of 30-year-olds" to make a point. We've seriously got to stop doing that, it isn't a message that most of us would agree with. There are other ways of saying "I think these people should behave more maturely since they're adults."

If I said something like, "well, they were just in their mid-twenties lol what do you expect?" I'd get hate anons, pants would be shat in, and more importantly, it would be wrong. That needs to work both ways, this isn't a separate issue.

An issue that repeatedly comes down to the absurdity of finding differences and drawing lines into cages around people in an environment in which we have the freedom to be more equal than in offline reality. We're all just people here, all just writing and interacting and loving characters. That's all we need to be, and all we need to be judged on is our behavior.

I'm sorry that anyone behaved in a grossly inappropriate manner during any and all of this. It was a heated thing that came to involve too many people and too much harassment, and those are factors that will always see people behaving in ways they would not normally engage in.

And like I said, you don't become some wise master of maturity at thirty! There is a problem mun I'm currently dealing with on another blog that is my age who is one of the most immature people I have ever run into. I have mutuals and friends in the early to mid-twenties who I'm confident weren't as childish as this mun when they were literal children. So, do people thirty and over behave in a seriously unbecoming, childish as hell manner? Yes, they so do! Whether it should be this way or not, you can't expect everyone to be at the same maturity level psychologically at any given age. To me, that just says that I shouldn't age-type people negatively. It isn't relevant where their behavior is.

Otherwise, I'm holding people at some nebulous age over thirty to higher expectations than other equally adult-range people. It isn't acceptable for anyone to behave in the ways I witnessed and was subjected to. It's not even acceptable in teenagers, it's just more understandable (not excusable) because they're working with many things they quite literally cannot control at all times. To act this way is telling everyone below thirty that they're just immature, irresponsible, dicks. It's insulting to them to be labeled in this way, too, even if too many of them see it as a free pass and are, thus, okay with it right now. They won't be, eventually.

Anyway, again, I'm not trying to be shitty to you! I don't think you meant anything in your message in a nasty way, and I cannot say how much I appreciate that after the bullshit brought to this blog and that I've been dealing with privately to help some of those affected feel like the RPC is a place they're safe and welcome in again.

I am definitely tired! Everyone else involved is as well. At least, on what I have to term as "this side" of the equation. I cannot speak to the other side, obviously, but I think they got tired enough of it not being tolerated to be quiet at least. When you make it unfun for people like that, that's usually what happens, after all.

So, I don't think it's them trying to continue the drama. Most of the people I know have remained in their corners happily or been obliged to leave for a while. As for the other people with suspicions...like I said, there are a lot more factors going on here than wanting to perpetuate drama. Sometimes, when we try to make ourselves feel safe, vindicated/vindicate a friend, there isn't any other option but to have the topic come up or breed into suspicions, correct or incorrect ones.

It's a situation that CoaR had a great deal of culpability in, and as such, had a lot of power to mitigate this well before it got to suspicions of who was modding the blog. That wasn't done, and won't be. Like Raven's antics, I have to feel like they've brought some of this on themselves. I do not and will not condone any hate messages sent their way, but again, right or wrong, people do have a right to feel the way they are.

If I were you, I'd stay as far away from it as possible. I don't go on CoaR unless I have to in order to answer something. I had a single blog blocked over here until this all went down (hilariously, it happened to be one that was involved, too, sometimes the red flags are legit, folks), now I have a sadly large number of them. It's now added to liberally, and I hate to do that, I like this blog to be open even to people who disagree with me. I can't deal with the constant drama, though, and I'm not going to be in a new callout every month until I die. Outside of being true to my word about accepting any and all vent messages, I don't want to see it, I don't want to be involved with it. I tag the posts so that followers can filter it, but I'm not going to function as a semi-callout blog by telling people who they should avoid. Just that they should avoid anyone who is making them feel this tired and done. Myself included.

I hope things have settled down in your corner of the RPC since you sent this! They have over here, thankfully. I think most people are staying away from the vent blog and hoping a new and better one comes along. It's back to the usual drama of "stop calling muns pedos for aging up characters."

[autumnstwilight]

An anonymous discussion on monetizing fanfic which makes a lot of good points and I’m holding onto for the next time it comes up.

(I’ve got nothing against people who do monetize their fic, but I dislike the pressure/guilt-tripping/social-justice framing many of the discussions in favor of paid fanwork have).

>>>Do you think the lack of monetization in fanfic is preventing newer writers and different stories from being told?

When has monetization and commercialization ever led to a more diverse, innovative creative output? People who are writing with an eye to monetization or pull-to-publish aren't going to be the people writing weird experimental fic, or obscure rarepairs, or wildly improbable AUs that somehow work, they are going to write the same popular derivative fic of megafandom juggernauts as everyone else, because that's where the money and the audience is. And, like, that's fine if people want to do that! There's nothing wrong morally suspect about writing fun romance fic for a big audience if that's what you enjoy doing in fandom. But let's not pretend that monetizing that is some heroic effort to democratize fandom. One of the best things about fandom is that there is pretty much no barrier to entry. You can write the weirdest, most niche fic on the entire planet, you can write it about a canon only two people in the world have ever seen, you can write it entirely in emoticons, and you can put it online right now. It may not be popular, you may not get a million comments/kudos/twitter followers out of it, only a few people may read it, but there is no gatekeeper telling you not to write it or not to put it on AO3 if you really want to. Monetization would not make that better. 

>>>This is pretty much why I don't want fic monetization to be the norm. So much already ugly wank and discourse is prompted by fic and fic related jealousy. Imagine if money was brought into the mix. 

>>>I can see the basic logic that this would invite in those who are forced to monetize their every waking hour. The people who espouse this view imagine that being paid to write fanfic will allow people to immediately swap out extra retail/food service shifts, delivery, driving, or Mechanical Turk-type work for writing time instead. They then assume that there will be more diverse and innovative output because these people who previously didn't have time to write as an unpaid hobby will have time to write as a paid job. This ignores the fact that when it's a paid job, these people will not be writing the innovative works of their heart. They'll be writing what a more financially secure class of people want to read - if they're competitive enough in the right market out the gate to start making money immediately. It also ignores the more crucial thing here: that the way to encourage diversity and innovation in creative hobbies isn't to turn them into jobs, it's to ensure that everyone has both enough money to live on and enough leisure time in a week to pursue creative endeavours for free. Anything else is just a new thing to pay for.

>>>Frankly, I think encouraging people to ask for money for their fic is doing them a disservice, because the vast, vast majority of people will not make anywhere near even minimum wage for the amount of time they put in. They will be wasting time they could have spent doing something that would have made more money *or* writing a story that they would have fun with.

>>>If anything, money would make writers shy away from anything that could be seen as unappealing or controversial and cater to the perceived lowest common denominator. Of course lots of authors chase kudos even now, but it'd still be different if they were losing actual money by writing that unpopular ship or kink. It would make people ditch unpopular fandoms altogether.

>>>Somehow "creative professionals have a right to ask for fair compensation for their labor and not work on spec/accept starvation wages for the love of the medium" has morphed into "all creative expression requires monetary compensation." Like, I enjoy carving little wooden squirrel figures and it takes hours of labor. I have a right to charge whatever price I want for them, but if no one wants to buy them at that price, the "system" isn't screwing me over.

>>>I personally want the people reading my stories to be fellow fans and potential friends, not customers who see me as a service provider (and who, having paid for my services, have a say in shaping the form those services will take), so I have zero interest in trying to monetize my fic. If other people want to sell their writing, more power to them, but doing so necessarily changes the dynamic with readers in a way I suspect they're not all prepared for. For example, once you've monetized, you don't get to pout about readers not commenting on your stuff anymore -- they've already paid for access, that's a comment in of itself! Negative reviews are also fair game once you're offering your content for a fee (not that they can't also be left on fic, but in the fic world at least they're often seen as rude).

>>>I agree with all nonnies in this thread but I'd also add that it would likely actively stifle marginalized fans. I can sort of see OP's logic - privileged people with leisure and a steady income have more time to write fic, but if fic was paid, everyone would have an equal chance, etc. And for the first few months, this might work out. People desperate for money would write a lot of fic. People struggling to get by would give up their current side hustle and focus on fic. A few new working class BNFs would emerge. But inevitably, the same thing would happen as in the world of pro blogging and cheap genre fiction. Competition would grow. People with more money for marketing would start earning more. Brand development, market analysis, BNF status retainment would become the only certain way to make a living. Impoverished fans would have to make do with ghostwriting, or they'd have to try to develop a virally pitiable persona. Comfortable fans with a steady income and lots of leisure would still get most of the attention. They'd even sincerely believe they deserve all of it. And fandom wanks would become a thousand times more vicious because there's financial incentive. And like always, marginalized creators would be the most vulnerable (except for the lucky few, mostly the rich ones, who successfully built their personal brand on their identity).

[thetaoofbetty]

I really appreciate your thoughts on fandom and the current 'surprise/DARK' storytelling that's making a mess of narrative storytelling. One example for me is the recent star wars films; while rogue one was a well-constructed tragedy, the main trilogy relied on getting rid of the original, better written happy ending, which was lazy, and set them up to be repetitive and underwhelming, because it needed to be bleak.

Hello you space bun of love!

Oof. Man, I just...Star Wars broke my heart. I’m not looking to debate with anyone who liked it, but it’s clear the last movie was written and made by people who had no idea what SW is even about. 

Leia was my first ever princess. I have Space Bun Mickey ears. I have a shirt with Leia on it that says “Self Rescuing Princess”. I saw the prequels in theaters (and not just because Ewan McGregor was in them but...some of it, hah). I have lightsabers. I have things is what I’m saying. 

It didn’t need to be bleak. In fact, the fact that it is bleak shows you how much they (Abrams and Terrio) don’t understand what the movies are about. SW isn’t sci-fi. It’s a fairy tale (per George Lucas, don’t think I don’t know my ish, people looking to fight with me on this). I think I took it for granted that Lawrence Kasdan was involved in the first part of the sequel trilogy. 

Ah hell, this is gonna be A Thing™, more under the cut: 

Kasdan worked on the originals; he worked with Lucas, so he clearly knew how to set up what was happening. This trilogy followed the formula really well, until the last one. There’s a reason the middle chapter is always darkest, you know? Because the last one isn’t supposed to end in the erasure of the main character’s arc and have her end up exactly where she started only now with a stolen name from someone she didn’t even really know. 

Please let’s not even go there with the fact that they made it clear she was powerful in her own right until two morons got their hands on her and suddenly her power was attributed to a man. 

That irks my tater, gotta be honest. 

Anyways, the point is, really, that in an effort to subvert expectations and get the reddit bros to wank to this shitfest of a movie, they disrespected everything that came before it. 

I’m a frigging hobby fic writer and even I can tell you what the hero/heroine’s journey is for crying out loud. 

And for the record, it is never in anyone’s best interest to erase a happy ending to make another ending that isn’t happy at all. 

Who does that!? Idiots. You don’t undo a happy ending unless the next ending is happier. Not some virgin Madonna in white in the desert (that has a terrible connotation for everyone in the Skywalker family) acting like the child she was in the first movie. Character development isn’t a suggestion, you bunch of douchecanoes. 

Also, never ever think about how JJ Abrams essentially makes the same story over and over and over again. I’m sorry he’s got daddy issues but that’s what therapy is for, not billion dollar franchises. He’s incapable of moving characters past their start and it’s...well, it’s not good is what I’m saying. 

Oh, to be a mediocre white man in Hollywood with family connections, amirite? 

Well, that got away from me. Sorry, doll. But thank you for the ask! 💜

[theo-decker]

CW i’m a bitch

Advice columns have begun to annoy me so much! (Prudence, Polly, CA, r/AITA, etc.) At first I started reading them for like, self-help reasons, and I did learn a few fun and semi-useful pop-psych concepts like ‘Missing stair’ and ‘Don’t respond to subtext’ etc., but increasingly I feel like most of them are a) authors wanking (my god! If I have to read another identical Polly article about how the querent is simply an introverted sensitive lonely millennial artiste and they need to overcome that by... jogging or whatever!) b) people getting on a power trip from Moral Arbitration/declaring consensus about what is or isn’t Acceptable Social Behaviour (a certain Twitterette whose name sounds a bit like Sick Troll Whiff is the worst offender, but Prudie is up there too). And circulating out-of-context questions on Twitter so everyone can have a good laugh at the OP and make snide comments about how their partner with the poor hygiene or whatever is patriarchy incarnate seems like. Really mean-spirited and unhelpful. ALSO, the only advice anyone EVER needs is as follows: say no to things you don’t want to do, dump your shitty partner, get therapy/counselling/whatever you can afford, be aware of cheap/free citizens’ advice and legal services available in your community, have a hobby or two, go out and get some fresh air regularly, and join a fucking union. XOXO, AUNT EMERY

[anthonysstupiddailyblog]

Anthony’s Stupid Daily Blog (52): Wed 4th May 2022

Read in the paper that a Singaporean dancer will portray a young Queen Elizabeth II at the grand finale of the Platinum Jubilee. A spokesperson for the Jubilee celebration said: "The Queen's appearance at the jubilee grand finale is by no means guaranteed". Yeah no shit she's nearly 100. Her appearance anywhere is by no means guaranteed.  A nurse ripping the Velcro on her nappy too loudly could finish her off. One of the other acts selected for the celebration is a drag artist names "Cheddar Gorgeous". Great name for a West Country wrestler and they would get some extra heel heat if they came out painted up like a block of cheese. The paper also asked people to write in and tell them how they would be celebrating the Queens 70th anniversary on the throne. It's a tough decision to make but I think I'll probably celebrate this momentous occasion by sitting in bed watching YouTube like celebrate every other day of the year (Unless YouTube decides to celebrate the Jubilee by disabling every video that's nothing to do with the fucking Queen. Speaking of the Queen and videos there's a video of her visiting the Radio One studio and there's one of these whispery, Coldplay-esque bands playing a song for her and she looks like she wants to fucking die. They sing a song about dolphins and she has a look on her face that seems to say "Do you realize how old I am? Every day could literally be my last and imagine if it was this one and I spent it listening to your fucking drivel!". It bother me when you see all of these landmarks and buildings and there'll be a little plaque that says "Opened by the Queen". No it fucking wasn't. Opened by the Queen implies that there was a big stone door blocking it and the Queen pulled it down. Showing up in a fancy blue hat and saying "I declare this lemonade museum open" isn't opening it as people have been inside it already.  Also read that the price of chicken is set to skyrocket. HA! This isn't going to affect me at all as I don’t eat meat. Finally doing the right thing is starting to benefit me financially. If the prices of gym memberships and condoms start to go up then I'll really start to affect my bank balance. Finally there was a story about Neil Parish, the MP who got fired after he admitted watching porn in the House of Commons. The headline read: "Call to clean up Commons after porn MP quits". Clean it up? They should hose the place down after all the wanking that's been going on in there. The politicians should just submit a list of all their kinks and weird hobbies before they start working for the government then the public will never be surprised by anything they do. His excuse was that he was originally looking at tractors on a website then accidentally clicked a link to a porn site. Bollocks. He was definitely wanking to a picture of a tractor and then someone caught him and he said "please just tell them I was looking at porn, no-one can know about my tractor fetish". If I was a writer on Have I Got News For You I would submit a pullback and reveal joke where I would get the host to say "Parish has decided to resign from his job in order to spend more time with his wife" and then show a picture of a cartoon tractor in a bikini.

[sharkfish]

some words about wank-brewers

This is a post about my own wankiness, wherein I conclude that I don’t like it and don’t like to be involved, and then also talk about some wank happening lately. I recognize this is at least a little hypocritical.

When I was a young person — I would use the word “kid,” but to be accurate, I’m talking from about age 12 to beginning of my 20s — I was an asshole on the internet. There are perhaps worse words you could use to describe me, and past!me would probably deserve it.

To paint a slightly more specific picture, I belonged to an online horse-related community. It was similar to fandom tumblr in some ways: there were far more actual users than any one person could know or interact with, and many of them stayed in their own small circle, but there was a smaller group of highly-active people, and among those an even smaller group of people you might call, in fandom jargon, “Big Name Fans.”

I was one of those people. The site is pretty much defunct now, but I do know that as late as ‘17 (nearly a decade after my reign), there were people who still knew of me and my merry band of delinquents. We were Mean Girls, and I was Regina George. 

I’m being flippant, because that’s who I am, but I am not proud of this. I was a mean person. I hurt people. I stole fake money from children. I lied about almost every single aspect of my life — when people say “you never know who someone is on the internet,” they’re talking about people like past!me, who maintained a persona that bared very little resemblance to actual!me. I introduced a whole slew of young country folk to issues of queerness, fought with people about gender neutral pronouns, and was a stickler for calling out people who didn’t bother to find Creative Commons-licensed images for their edits/artwork (still stand by this btw).

And I ran a blog that was very well-known in the community, even to people who didn’t know me personally. It was a burn book. There were positive posts, too, and some of the people were in on the joke, but there were also plenty of people who were just trying to have a good time and I decided to make that difficult for them, much like the people I now frown upon for giving negative reviews of fic. Mods handed out temporary bans to me constantly, but I always talked my way out of it with admin.

I thrived on the wank of it. I was hurt by some of the meanness sent my way — though it was certainly well-deserved — but any attention was better than none. Sometimes it upset me, but I also knew what the analytics looked like on my stupid blog when I spun more drama.

I look at people like past!me now and think, “Really? This is how you want to spend your limited time and energy here on earth? Get a fuckin hobby.” Maybe I’ve forgotten that for some people, that kind of shit is their hobby.

I was — still am — a pretty sick person, both mentally and physically. I’m a mess now, but at that time I was dying to be anyone else. I was very, very sad and very, very alone. These are not excuses, but I understand now how my illnesses could’ve sent me in a direction that led to this behavior. I understand now that I wanted to feel like I mattered in some small way, even just the tiniest of craters on the surface of the world, even if my name was only said in a negative light. I had a captive audience, and it wasn’t difficult to start a witch hunt, so I did, over and over. Like, for years.

Maybe this is why I have so little tolerance for wank now. I unfollow people pretty quick if they seem to be getting their rocks off on starting shit with people they could just block or ignore. That’s no longer how I want to spend my time & energy. My current hobbies are way more fun.

I typed all those words for 2 reasons:

1) This is something I don’t talk about often because I’m ashamed of it, but it seemed like maybe eventually I should make a Statement, to myself if nothing else;

and

2) I feel like there’s a bit of a spidey sense for wank-brewers, the kind of people who stir up shit just because they like the way it smells. I know the tools & tricks of that trade. I like to think I can spot people who are being at least a little bit disingenuous in the way they present themselves and their circumstances.

@unforth-ninawaters has gotten a lot of shit lately for saying something that’s always been tickling at the back of my mind — that maybe Euclase isn’t being entirely honest or candid about the abuse she receives. For the while that I did follow her, almost every one of her posts made me go ??? because it just… does not make sense. The claims about what is happening to her don’t make sense within the context, her reactions do not make sense if the claims were true, and her supporters are rabid in a way that only starts more hurricanes of bullshit that, interestingly enough, keeps her name (and art) at the forefront of our minds (specifically the spn fandom; she seems to have a particular hard-on for us, but I have no concept of how well-known she is or isn’t in any other space).

Unforth did a pretty good job outlining some of the stuff that has always seemed off to me about The Euclase Situation that you can see in her “wank” tag, but — well, from the pov of a Former Internet Asshole, I’ve always had a sneaking suspicion that Euclase may be one of our ranks. Spinning things is easy, and it’s even easier on the internet, and even easier still when you have a platform, when people already respect you in one way (for example, your contributions to fandom via art/fic) even if they don’t know anything else about you.

I was Regina George, and then I grew up a little (let’s be real, not that much, but at least a little). The idea of hurting people is viscerally painful to me now, and the idea of wasting hours upon hours to be a “Big Name” anything is exhausting and stupid. But we all have our own journeys at our own pace. 

Lastly: I apologize on behalf of Internet Assholes everywhere for the way we may have treated you, dear reader, in the past, present, or future. You most likely didn’t deserve it and just got incidentally swept up in bullshit while we tried to counteract our own imagined or real inadequacies with name recognition. It’s not you; it’s us.

[monsterloveday]

Single life - the good and the bad.

The good and bad sides to single life. It absolutely has both, as does everything in life. There seems to be some kind of war between singles and coupled folk, as if they are trying to get one up on each other, to prove that their life is considerably ‘better’ than their opponents.

This bothers me. It bothers me because life isn't that rigid or consistent, life moves, and so do all of our situations. There is also the need to consider that people are so different, you know the saying, “one mans treasure” and all that. For some, my single life is their idea of a worst knight mare, simile, a nuclear family at the age of 25 would be mine.

Its nothing personal I guess, I think its just taken that way when people try and force their way of life on you, or assume you are miserable because you haven't got what they have, this goes without saying the people that straight up judge you for whatever your life circumstance - they can do one (and my oh my, there are many of them!). There are definitely times for me where being single is actually epic and others where it actually sucks balls.

I will share them with you. Bad points... Lack of touch. This one is strange for me, because I haven't been touched for so long, that Ive grown used to it, yet I still crave it from time to time (usually in the winter). BUT if I ever do get touched or if someone tried to hug me or something, it weirds me out now, that I find it unnecessary because I have gone so long without it!. Its definitely made me less affectionate and less expectant to receive affection. That part of me has kind of died.  I think I have associated touch / affection to do with only a partner - which is bad. (lets just say I am no longer a ‘hugger��) 

You also become very observant. All the “Netflix and chills” / “lets cuddle up on the sofa”, comments you so often see on social media or hear among all your coupled up friends and family members (yes I am pretty much the only single one left out of friends and family - which I will mention later on as its an issue in itself!) are a little punch in the heart. You kind of become a little bit bitter that some people have that certain someone that they can come and hug after a really shit day - and how some really take that for granted. Little things are so huge and not many people get that. I think that the people that have had a real good amount of time of being single understand this. Love is not something you are owed, but for some it just falls in their laps and they have never had to live life coping on their own. (You definitely get annoyed at people who take love for granted and people who cheat etc!) But - being deprived of something makes you learn to live without it - its a educational, saddening yet strengthening double edged sword. I cant even remember what snuggling up to a man feels like and they say that touch is actually something that humans need and that it releases the ‘feel good’ hormone - perhaps lack of touch does really do things to humans?. I believe so. Feeling Safe. Now, I think in my whole relationship / dating life, only one man made me feel safe and it was wonderful. Im not saying that women can not feel safe without a man - absolutely not. But there is something so damn sexy and reassuring when you can actually feel a mans strength (in his body and mind) and you know he has your back. When you walk down the street, you know there will be no shit from no one, as you are with him. That when you're in his arms - you feel completely and utterly safe, it makes you feel so feminine. Nothing can get you, and you breathe a sigh of relief, thats all is well, because you are there, with him.  I miss that, even if just for a minute I could have that again. All of your family and friends are pretty much hooked up. Gone are the days of going out and flirting with a group of guys, because all of your mates are at home with their others half's sucking dick or fanny. This also adds to the struggles of trying to ‘get out there’ as you’d be on the prowl alone - not attractive. When all your mates hook up, it kills your social life too, I miss the nights of going out dressed up all girly, dancing the night away and flirting / kissing with drunken guys.

There is no one to talk to when you have those ‘Im feeling crappy about being single’ moments because no one gets it because no one is in your situation. You will also never get a break from being surrounded by couples, family gatherings = couples everywhere, meeting with friends = couples everywhere. You have to become accustomed to always being the third, forth and fifth wheel when with family and friends. There was once a New Years Eve party where at midnight, everyone was obviously eating face and there I was - twat face, the only single person sat there hating my existence and wallowing in self pitty. (Holidays are the WORST for being single) This is not to say I dont love my friends and family but sometimes you just wish you had some single pals to break away from the constant reminders or someone to really open up to and that they understand, its tiring to always put on this brave face when really you just want to say you feel like shit. Theres also the chance coupled friends will get offended if you need to vent about always being the single one - its not personal, sometimes we just need to express ourselves. Sometimes you just wonder if you are destined to live life solo Perhaps it isn't happening because its not supposed to?, that you are actually happier alone?. Its happened to everyone else so easily so there must be a reason its not happening to you?. To you, its like climbing mount everest, yet to most, its as easy as 1,2,3!. That in the time you have been single, others have gone through about 3 relationships that have started, ended and then they have found ‘the one’ and got married, yet you cant even find A date?. Am I an alien? I must be doing everything wrong?. The longer it goes on for the more convinced you become that it will never happen and you kind of begrudgingly, make peace with it and stop trying and just live your own life. Confidence Sometimes, only sometimes you wonder what is wrong with you and that you are just not fanciable / fuckable / loveable. Those thoughts can fuck off - Im fucking awesome. You get so good at being single that you think you'd be crap at relationships The thought of having to share a bed with someone makes you want to die. What if they snore?. What If Im ill and I just need to do smelly farts all night and toss and turn without worrying that Im going to keep someone awake? What if I want a wank and I cant because THEY are there?! Omg would that mean we would have to arrange shower times in the morning?, Im not fucking sharing a shower with him! Oh man imagine someone constantly texting you even though you see them all the ruddy time? - just fuck off!. And having to see someone all the time?! Someone demanding my time from me? oh god I cant deal!. Gone would be the days of just going where ever I want without explaining myself to anyone! - Ive got too used to only thinking of me, Im too selfish to change that now! and whats more - ID HAVE TO FUCKING SHAVE AND GET MY BODY OUT. Man I’d be so shit at sex =\ and Id have to tell them I love them!. So. Many. Vulnerable. Feelings. Stay. Up. Walls!. Finance All those people who share bills, rent etc. Not everyone would have had an opportunity to move out if they didn't have their significant other, especially in this day and age of expense!. I can also say as a single person it is ruddy annoying having to cash out on everyone else's other half's / kids etc. Whereas presents for you are ‘from both of us’. My single life benefits everyone else's pockets when it comes to christmas! GAH!.  I get SO JEALOUS when I hear someone say that their other half is picking them up from work or cooking for them that night, I WISH I had that!. Fuck buses, walking the dog then having to cook for myself - food NEVER comes for single people, just try getting a bag of spinach for one! so much waste!. Good Points... My Flange is probably really tight  Its so out of use its like its brand new. I dont have to shave for anyone and it is marvellous.  I dont have to get my body out to worry what someone else thinks of it, nor do I have to worry if Im up the duff (although I use precautions, that worry is ALWAYS there, wondering, freaking the hell out, wondering when my period will ever come etc). Its a worry that is brilliant to not have to think about - nor do I have to think about the ruddy pill (no thanks!). Also - self service! =P Your independence and strength will sky rocket You really dont understand how some people freak out when they have to do things alone. For you, doing things alone is such an adventure / enjoyable experience. Yes I go out to dinner, the cinema, weekend breaks alone and its not weird my dears. I love how I can plan anything at anytime. Your strength builds up and up when your doing everything for yourself and it is really liberating and you realise that people that also have this quality are very rare. It makes you very strong and independent and independent people are sexy. =p You are as free as a bird - go fly!. I do what I want and I can order pizza at 3am and eat it in bed if I wish. (what a plan!). I could go travel for months on end if I wanted, I could move to a completely new place and chat up randomers if I so wished too and answer to no one. I could shave all my hair off and pork a load of girls just for fun. Learn a new instrument / get a hobby / go to evenings classes etc - because you CAN. I hear friends who have kids say how they would love to do the smallest of things like have a night to themselves, to go to the cinema or just go shopping, and I realise that I too, take small things for granted and I need to embrace my single life more.  What I do is completely my choice and my choice alone - no hold backs. It feels so good. Finance Yes there is a factor of finance on this side of the spectrum! Your money is YOURS. Go spend a butt load on a new jacket if you want. Go spend £70 on a hair cut if you want. Whats more, you save money on not having to buy hair removal stuff! No birthday or christmas presents on your other half - or dates, or nothing! Save up that spare cash and do something worth while - like get tattoos all over your body ;P - priorities darling, that is YOU! =P. You have control of your own wellbeing One of the biggest issues for me when in relationships / seeing someone was how their actions / treatment towards me effected my wellbeing. I hated that they had so much power to hurt me because my feelings for them were so deep. I hated being so vulnerable and how my happiness was so reliant on how they chose to treat me. With single life problems, they are mostly what you have brought upon yourself, and sorting your own shit out makes you stronger and not dealing with someone else's bullcrap is a breath of fresh air =) So, these are some of my good and bad points, I really could have gone on for forever!. My unshaven flange enjoys parts, and doesn't with other parts. I want to say that its completely human to have weak times about things - like wanting to be hugged sometimes does not make you needy! (I hate that theres so much name calling for humans wanting to be humans!) Whats your favourite thing and hate about your relationship status? Be back soon. Jay Monster.

[scifrey]

Improbable Press put out a call asking fan fiction authors how they went from Free to Fee. Here’s my response. Happy reading!

The Story of How I Started Selling Stories

My parents, teachers, and acting/singing coaches will all tell you that I've always been a story teller. For the first twenty four years of my life, I was determined to do so through musical theatre, though I had always secretly harbored the desire to write a hit stage play. My early writing consisted of plays for my friends and I to put on, interspersed with prose that I supposed would one day become a novel, but which wasn't my passion.

I was a big reader, but where this habit came from, I'm not certain. While my mother always had a book on the go - whatever crumbling paperback law thriller or murder mystery she'd been handed by the woman down the street when she was done it, which was then passed on to the next neighbor - my father and brothers preferred sports (either on TV or outside in the yard) over reading. I stumbled into fantasy and science fiction because Wil Wheaton was hot, and his show was on every Friday night, and from there I consumed every Star Trek tie-in novel my tiny rural library carried, then started following the authors of the novels into their other worlds and series.

So you won't be surprised to learn that this was how I found fan fiction for the first time. My "I love this, gee, I wonder what else there is?" muscle was well developed by junior high, and before the internet had come to The Middle Of Nowhere Rural Ontario, I had already gotten quite adept at search keywords and codexes to track down more books to consume.  Imagine my shock and joy when, in the middle of my Phantom of the Opera phase (come on, fess up, you had one too), the internet in my school library told me about not only Fredrick Forsyth and Susan Kay's stunning re-tellings, but of something called fan fiction.

I wasted a lot of the librarian's ink and paper printing out these books and secreting them into binders and pretending to do school work at my desk or backstage between scenes. A lot. And yes, I still have most of them.

And as we all well know, the jump between reading and writing is a short when one is submerged so fully in communities of creators. Everyone else's "What If" rubs off on you, and it's just a matter of time before you find yourself playing with the idea of coaxing a few plot bunnies over to spend some time with you. Not everyone loves to write, but gosh darn it, if you want to give it a try, then you couldn't ask for a better, more supportive community. It doesn't matter how new you are to it, everyone reads, everyone comments, everyone makes suggestions. People beta read. People edit. People co-write. People cheer, and support, and recommend, and enthuse. Yeah, there are the occasional jerks, flammers, and wank-mongers, but on the whole? There's literally no better place to learn how to be a writer than in fandom, I firmly believe this.

So, of course, born storyteller that I am, I had to give it a try.

I started writing fan fiction in 1991 for a small, relatively obscure Canadian/Luxembourg co-pro children’s show called Dracula: the Series.  I used to get up and watch it on Saturday mornings, in my PJs, before heading off to whichever rehearsal or read through or practice I had that year.

1995 brought the English dub of Sailor Moon to my life, (and put me on the path to voice acting), and along with a high-school friend, I wrote, printed out, illustrated, and bound my first “book” – a self-insert story that was just over eleven pages long, which introduced new Scouts based on us.  From there, I didn’t really stop.

1996 led me to Forever Knight and Dragon Ball Z, and from there to my friend’s basement where they’d just installed the internet. We chatted with strangers on ICQ, joined Yahoo!Groups and Bravenet Chat Boards. (Incidentally, a friend from my DBZ chat group turned out to be a huge DtS fan, too. We wrote a big crossover together which is probably only accessible on the Wayback Machine now. We stayed friends, helped each other through this writing thing, and now she’s Ruthanne Reid, author of the popular Among the Mythos series.)  In 2000 I got a fanfiction.net account and never looked back.

In 2001, while in my first year of university for Dramatic Arts, I made my first Real Live fandom friends. We wrote epic-length self-insert fics in Harry Potter and Fushigi Yuugi, cosplayed at conventions (sometimes using the on-campus wardrobe department’s terrifyingly ancient serger), and made fan art and comics in our sketchbooks around studying for our finals and writing essays on critical theory or classical Latin.  I was explaining the plot of the next big fic I was going to write to one of them, an older girl who had been my T.A. but loved Interview with the Vampire just as dearly as I, when she said, “You know, this sounds really interesting. Why don’t you strip all the fandom stuff out of the story and just write it as a novel?”

You can do that? was my first thought.

No! I don’t want to! Writing is my fun hobby. What will happen if I try to be a writer and get rejected by everyone and I end up hating it? was my second.

But the seed was planted.  Slowly at first, and then at increasingly obsessive pace, I began writing my first novel around an undergrad thesis,  fourth-year  essays,  several other big fanfics that popped me into the cusp of BNF status but never quite over the tine, and then a move to Japan to teach English. From 2002-2007 I wrote about 300 000 words on the novel that I would eventually shut away in my desk drawer and ignore until I published on Wattpad under my pseudonym on a lark. It was messy. It was long. It was self-indulgent and blatantly inspired by Master of Mosquiton, Interview with the Vampire, Forever Knight, and anything written by Tanya Huff, Laurell K. Hamilton, and Charlaine Harris. This was fine for fanfic, but in terms of being comfortable with presenting it to agents and publishing houses, I felt that it wasn’t original enough.

By this time I was teaching overseas, and in my spare time (and boy, was there a lot of spare time while sitting in a Japanese teacher’s office for 40 hours per week when one only actually teaches for 11 of them) I started applying to MA programs (where I eventually wrote my thesis on Mary Sue Fan Fiction). I also spent it researching “How to Get Published”, mostly by Googling it and/or buy/reading the few books on the topic in English I could find at the local book store or order from the just-then-gaining-international traction online bookstore Amazon.

What that research mostly told me was “Write and sell a bunch of short fiction first, so you have proof that a) you can do the work and b) you can finish what you promise you’ll finish and c) you have proof that other people think you’re worth spending money on.”

Short fiction. Huh. Of course we’d studied short stories in school, and I’d even taken a short story writing class in university, though nothing I’d written for the class was indicative of the kinds of stories I preferred to tell. But I felt pretty confident about this whole writing short stories thing… after all, I’d been doing weekly challenges for years. Drabbles. Flashfic. Stories and chapters that were limited to the word count cap that LiveJournal put on its posts. I’d written novellas without knowing that’s what they were called; I’d written whole novels about other people’s characters. All I needed was an idea. Short fiction I could do.

Unfortunately, everything that came to me was fanfic inspired. It frustrated me, because I didn’t want to write a serial-numbers-filed-off story. I wanted to write something original and epic and inspiring. Something just mine. I started and stopped a lot of stories in 2006-2007. I’d been doing NaNoWriMo for years by then, having been introduced to it in undergrad, and I was determined that this would be the year that I wrote something I could shop. Something just mine. Something unique.

While I adored fanfiction, I was convinced that I couldn't make a career on it.  What had once been a fun hobby soon because a source of torment. Why could I think of a hundred ways to write a meet-cute between my favorite ships, but come up utterly blank when it came to something new and original and just mine?

It took me a while to realize that my playwriting and short story teachers had been correct when they said that there are no original stories in the world, no way you can tell a tale that someone else hasn’t already tried. The "Man vs." list exists for a reason.

The unique part isn’t your story, it’s your voice. Your lived life, your experiences, your way of forming images and structuring sentences. Your choices about who the narrator character is, and what the POV will be, and how the characters handle the conflict. In that way, every piece of writing ever done is individual and unique, even the fanfic. Because nobody is going to portray that character’s quirk or speech pattern quite like you do, nobody is going to structure your plot or your imagery like you. Because there is only one of you. Only one of me. Even if we're all writing fanfiction, no one's story sounds like anyone else's,  or is told like anyone else's.

That is the reality of being a storyteller.

And strangely enough, the woman who opened my eyes to this was a psychic from a psychic fair I attended, who told me that Mark Twain was standing over her shoulder admonishing me to stop fretting and just get something on the page – but to never forget character. My strength, she said that he said, was in creating memorable, well written, well rounded characters. And that my book should focus on that above concerns of plot or pacing.

Well, okay. If Mark Twain says that’s what my strength is, then that’s what my strength is, right? Who am I to argue with the ghost of Mark Freaking Twain?

An accident with a bike and a car on a rice patty left me immobile for six weeks in 2006, and I decided that if I was finally going to write this original short story to sell – especially since I would need income, as the accident made it obvious that I would never be able to dance professionally, and probably would never be able to tread the boards in musicals – now was the perfect time. I was going to stop fighting my fannish training and write.

I cherry picked and combined my favorite aspects of Doctor Who, Stargate: Atlantis, Torchwood, The Farm Show/The Drawer Boy, and my own melancholy experiences with culture shock and liminal-living in a foreign culture, and wrote a novella titled (Back). It was a character study of a woman named Evvie who, through an accident of time travel, meets the future version of her infant daughter Gwen. And realizes she doesn’t like the woman her daughter will become. It was a story about accepting people for who they are, instead of who you wish they would be, and had a strong undercurrent of the turbulence I was going through in trying to figure out my own sexuality and that I wouldn't have the future in performance that I had been working toward since I was four.

Deciding that I would worry about where I would try to publish the story after it had been written, I sat down and wrote what ended up being (at least for me) a pretty standard-length fanfic: 18,762 words. It was only after I had finished the story that I looked up what category that put it in – Novella. Using paying  reputable markets, like Duotrope, the Writer’s Digest, MSFV, Absolute Write, SFWA, my local Writer’s Union, Writer Beware, I realized that I had shot myself in the foot.

It seems like nearly nobody publishes novellas anymore. SF/F and Literary Fiction seem to be the last two bastions of the novella, and the competition to get one published is fierce.  The markets that accepted SF/F novellas was vanishingly thin I had to do a lot of Googling and digging to figure out who I could submit to with an unagented/unsolicited SF/F novella. If I recall correctly, it was only about ten publications. I built an excel database and filled it with all the info I found.

I put together a query letter and sent it off using my database to guide me. Most of the rejections were kind, and said that the story was good, just too long/too short/ too sci-fi-y/not sci-fi-y enough. Only one market offered on it – for $10 USD. Beggers couldn’t be choosers, even if I had hoped to make a little more than ten bucks, and I accepted.

It was a paid professional publication, and that’s what mattered to me. I had the first entry on my bibliography, and something to point to in my query letters to prove that I was a worthy investment for a publisher/agent.

And energized by this, and now aware that length really does matter, even in online-only publications, I started writing other shorts to pad out my bibliography more.

I tried to tailor these ones to what my research told me the "mainstream industry" and "mainstream audiences" wanted, and those stories? Those were shot down one after the other. I was still writing fanfiction at the time, too, and those stories were doing well, getting lots of positive feedback, so why weren’t my stories?

In 2007 I returned to Canada and Academia, frustrated by my lack of sales, desperate to kick off my publishing career, and feeling a creative void left by having to depart theatre because of my new difficulties walking. I wrote my MA, and decided that if (Back) was the only original story that people liked, then I’d try to expand it into a novel.

Over the course of two years I did my coursework, and  read everything there was to read about how to get a book deal, started hanging out in writer’s/author’s groups in Toronto and met some great people who were willing to guide me, and expanded (Back) into the novel Triptych. I kept reminding myself what Mark Twain said – character was my strength, the ability to make the kind of people that other writers wanted to write stories about, a skill I’d honed while writing fanfic. Because that's what we do, isn't it? Sure, we write fix-its and AUs and fusions and finish cancelled shows, and fill in missing scenes, but what we're all really doing is playing with characters, isn't it? Characters draw us to fanfic, and characters keep us there. Characters is what we specialize in.

Fanfic had taught me to work with a beta reader, so I started asking my fic betas if they'd like a go at my original novel. Fellow fanfic writers, can I just say how valuable editors and beta readers in the community are? These are people who do something that I've paid a professional editor thousands of dollars to do for free out of sheer love. Treasure your beta readers, folks. Really.

“It reminds me a lot of fan fiction,” one reader said. “The intense attention to character and their inner life, and the way that the worldbuilding isn’t dumped but sprinkled in an instance at a time, like, you know, a really good AU. I love it.”

Dear Lord. I couldn’t have written a better recommendation or a more flattering description if I’d tried. Mark Twain was right, it seems. And fanfic was the training ground, for me – my apprenticeship in storytelling.

Of course... what Mr. Twain hadn't explained is that character-study novels just don't sell in SF/F. They say Harry Potter was rejected twelve times? HA. I shopped Triptych to both agents and small presses who didn't require you to have an agent to publish with them, and I got 64 rejections. Take that, J.K.

At first the rejection letters were forms and photocopied "no thanks" slips. But every time I got feedback from a publisher or agent, I took it to heart, adjusted the manuscript, edited, tweaked, tweaked, tweaked. Eventually, the rejections started to get more personal. "I loved this character, but I don't know how to sell this book." And "I really enjoyed the read, but it doesn't really fit the rest of our catalogue." And "What if you rewrote the novel to be about the action event that happens before the book even starts, instead of focusing solely on the emotional aftermath?"

In other words - "Stop writing fanfiction." There seemed to be a huge disconnect between what the readership wanted and what the publishing world thought they wanted.

Disheartened, frustrated, and wondering if I was going to have to give up on my dreams of being a professional creative, I attended Ad Astra, a convention in Toronto, in 2009. At a room party, complaining to my author friends that "nobody wanted my gay alien threesome book!" a woman I didn't know asked me about the novel. We chatted, and it turned out she was the acquisitions editor for Dragon Moon Press, and incidentally, also a fan of fan fiction.

I sent her Triptych. She rejected it. I asked why. She gave me a laundry list of reasons. I said, "If I can address these issues and rewrite it, would you be willing to look at it again?" She said yes. She was certain, however, that I wouldn't be able to fix it. I spent the summer rewriting - while making sure to stay true to my original tone of the novel, and writing a character-study fanfiction. I sent it in the fall. I do believe it was Christmas eve when I received the offer of publication.

From there, my little fic-inspired novel was nominated for two Lambda Literary Awards and a CBC Bookie, was named one of the best books of 2011 by the Advocate, and garnered a starred review and a place on the Best Books Of The Year at Publishers Weekly.

The award nominations led me to an agent, and further contracts, and even conversations with studio execs. It also made me the target of Requires Only That You Hate, and other cranky, horrible reviewers. But you know what? I've had worse on a forum, and on ff.n, and LJ. It sucked, and it hurt, but if there's one thing fandom has taught me, it's that not everyone is going to love what you do, and not everyone interprets things the same way you do. The only thing we can do is learn from the critique if it's valid and thoughtful, and ignore the screaming hate and bullying. Then you pick yourself up, brush yourself off, and go write something else.

 Because a screaming hater? Is not going to ruin my love of storytelling.

But for all that... the day someone made me fan art based on Triptych is one etched in my memory. It means far more to me than any of the emails I ever received inquiring about representation or film rights, or wanting meetings to discuss series.

The lesson I learned from publishing Triptych  - now sadly out of print, but we're looking for a new home for it - is that if I chase what the "mainstream" and the "industry" want, I'll never write anything that sells because my heart won't be in it. I have to keep writing like a fanficcer, even if I'm not writing fanfic, if I want to create something that resonates with people. And if it takes time for the publishers and acquiring editors to figure out what I'm doing, and how to sell it, then fine - I have an agent on my side now, and a small growing number of supporters, readers, and editors who love what I do.

Do I still write fanfic? Very, very rarely. I’ve had some pretty demanding contracts and deadlines in the last two years, so I’ve had to pare down my writing to only what’s needed to fulfill my obligations. Doesn’t mean I don’t have ideas for fics constantly.

Sometimes the urge is powerful enough that I do give into it – I wrote To A Stranger, based on Mad Lori’s Performance in a Leading Role Sherlock AU recently, when I should have been writing the second and third novels of The Accidental Turn Series. And even more recently, I cleaned up To A Stranger  into something resembling a real screenplay and started shopping it around to film festivals and producers because I love this story, I love what I did with it, and I’m proud of the work. If To A Stranger is only ever a fanfic, that’s fine with me. I poured my heart into it and am so proud of it. But I figure that if there’s one more project I could possibly get into the real world, then why not go for it?

The worst thing the festival heads and producers can say about the work is: “No, thank you.” And being an online writer has taught me not to take the “no, thank you”s personally. Applying the values of Don’t Like Don’t Read or Not My Kink to your publication/agent search makes it much easier to handle the rejections – not every story is for every person.

Maybe once every producer in North America has rejected it, I might think about working with someone to adapt the screenplay into an illustrated comic fanbook? Who knows?

That’s the joy of starting out as a writer in fandom – felixibility, adaptability, creative problem-solving and cross-platform storytelling comes as naturally as breathing to us fan writers. It’s what we do.

You may not think that this is a strength, but trust me, it is. I was never so shocked at an author’s meetup as when I suggested to someone that their “writer’s block” sounded to me like they were telling the story in the wrong format. “I think this is a comic, not a novel,” I’d said. “It sounds so visual. That's why the story is resisting you.” And they stared at me like I suddenly had an extra head and said, “But I’m a novelist.” I said, “No, you’re a writer. Try it.” They never did, as far as I know, and they never finished that book, either.

As fans, our strength isn't just in what we write, or how we come to our stories. It’s also about the physical practice of writing, too. We’re a group of people who have learned to carry notebooks, squeeze in a few hundred words between classes, or when the baby is napping, or during our lunch breaks, or on commute home. This is our hobby, we fit it in around our lives and jobs, and that has taught us the importance of just making time.

We are, on average, more dedicated and constant writers than some of the “novelists” that I’ve met: the folks who wait for inspiration to strike, who quit their day jobs in pursuit of some lofty ideal of having an office and drinking whiskey and walking the quay and waiting for madam muse to grace them, who throw themselves at MFAs and writing retreats, as if it's the attendance that makes them writers and not the work of it.

We fans are career writers. We don’t wait for inspiration to come to us, we chase it down with a butterfly net. We write when and where we can. More than that, we finish things. (Or we have the good sense to know when to abandon something that isn’t working.) We write to deadlines. Self-imposed ones, even.

We write 5k on a weekend for fun, and think NaNoWriMo’s 50k goal and 1667 words per day are a walk in the park. (When I know it terrifies some of the best-selling published authors I hang out with.) Or if we fans don’t write fast, then we know that slow and steady works too, and we’re willing to stick it out until our story is finished, even if it takes years of weekly updates to do so. We have patience, and perseverance, and passion.

This is what being a fanfiction writer has given me. Not only a career as a writer, but tools and a skill-set to write work that other people think is work awarding, adapting, and promoting. And the courage to stick to my guns when it comes to telling the kinds of stories that I want to tell.

This is what being a fanfiction writer gives us.

Aren’t we lucky, fellow fans? Hasn’t our training been spectacular?

*

J.M. (@scifrey) is a SF/F author, and professional smartypants on AMI Audio’s Live From Studio 5. She’s appeared in podcasts, documentaries, and on television to discuss all things geeky through the lens of academia. Her debut novel TRIPTYCH was nominated for two Lambda Literary Awards,  nominated for a 2011 CBC Bookie, was named one of The Advocate’s Best Overlooked Books of 2011, and garnered both a starred review and a place among the Best Books of 2011 from Publishers Weekly. Her sophomore novel, an epic-length feminist meta-fantasy THE UNTOLD TALE (Accidental Turn Series #1), debuted to acclaim in 2015 and was followed by THE FORGOTTEN TALE (Accidental Turn Series #2) this past December. FF.N | LJ |AO3| Books | Tumblr

[madforhoran]

[1] wah I saw your post about taking prompts too late! how d'you feel about doing an ace!harry falling in love with niall, fretting at first bc niall's not ace, but then finding out that niall's a regular participant in masturbation contests [and is actually the champ], and finds sex too taxing bc of all the practice he does, so the sex is actually not an issue bet. them. ace!harry being the most supportive bf ever, even timing niall for his record [longest wank sesh ever] and niall just amazed

[2] that he managed to find someone who never judged him for doing those stupid contests, and is in fact super supportive asjkjh sorry this idea's been floating around in my head for a while now, and I just don't have the skills to write it myself

sorry this took me a bit longer to finish!!! 

Harry thinks Niall's the prettiest person he's ever seen. It was love at first sight, or more like love at first smile, at least from Harry’s perspective. Niall can do no wrong, in other words, he's almost perfect, but there’s one huge downside of having him as a roommate.

He regularly participates in a wanking contest.

Yeah, you heard right. It was quite hard to keep a straight face when Niall once explained the rule to him. Who wanks for the longest time, wins… and Niall is at the top of the leaderboard. No wonder that their bin is always full of tissues and used lube. Harry doesn't judge him, though. He just doesn't understand what’s so special about it. He’s never been into the whole masturbation thing. He's never been interested in having sexual relationships either. He hasn't even had his first kiss yet.

However, more often than not, he keeps dreaming about kissing Niall. Gently, tenderly. Niall just looks so…inviting and soft. The problem is that he surely won’t be interested in someone like Harry, no way.

Except, Harry is wrong.

*

Friday night he's done with his classes and walks back to his dorm, craving for the delicious chicken salad that is sitting in the mini fridge. Surprisingly, their room is not locked, and he finds Niall fiddling with something on the small coffee table between their beds. There’s also a distinct candle scent in the air, which is more than alarming. Something weird is happening. Niall's probably waiting for his date to come or something. But why hasn't he warned him beforehand? Rude. To be honest, Harry doesn't want to see anyone touch Niall.

“Haz!” Niall yelps when he notices his arrival, “you’re a bit early.”

“Sorry, I can leave. You should've told me you need the room for yourself, though,” Harry says a bit bitterly. Fuck, where’s this coming from?

“Don’t be silly. I was waiting for you. Today is special, ya know? I broke the record!” Niall announces proudly and wraps Harry in a bear hug. “And I also wanted to thank you.”

“F-for what?” Harry stammers, shocked by the proximity of their bodies which should be uncomfortable, but it’s Niall after all. Niall is like a beautiful fairy prince, art in human form, and Harry should be thankful for sharing the breathing air with him.

"For not hating me for what I do. I know having me as a roommate is a bit of a pain in the arse."

Harry shakes his head. "It's not, Ni," he assures him, taking a deep breath as Niall steps away. Then he notices there's food and drinks on the coffee table. His favourite apple cider, Niall's favourite beer, the chicken salad, and pasta with chicken and broccoli.

Niall shrugs, gesturing towards the intimate setup that pretty much looks like a dinner date. "Anyway, let's eat, I'm sure you're hungry."

"You didn't have to do this," Harry smiles, a hint of pink creeps on his cheeks just because Niall is the loveliest, sweetest person despite his uncommon hobby.

"I wanted to," Niall opposes, fidgets...he's nervous, Harry thinks. He doesn't comment on it further, doesn't pry. They eat in silence, stealing glances from each other and after dinner when Harry volunteers to clean the dishes, he feels a soft press of lips against the back of his neck. It's almost feathery-like and it makes him shiver. He doesn't turn, though, and Niall's fine with it, so it seems.

*

It's becoming more regular, the touches...and Harry likes the simplicity of it...as if Niall knew Harry isn't into much else. Those touches and tender kisses, against his temple, or on his shoulder, or on his knuckles are pure, beautiful. Nevertheless, Harry is curious to know whether Niall really knows. They never spoke about these things.

Maybe Niall suspects something as Harry never really brought anyone to their room, or ask Niall if he could join the wank-contest. Too many wondering and maybes are making Harry’s head spin and the easiest way is to finally talk to Niall before he gets too caught up in the sweet emotions.

“Haz?” Niall interrupts his thoughts as he stands up from his bed. “Scoot over,” he commands and Harry moves somehow on autopilot, and makes a bit of space for Niall.

The boy snuggles up to him, warming him up, it’s overwhelming. Harry needs to say it, before he completely messes it all up. “Ni, you need to know something.”

“What is it, pet?”

“I’m—I’m ace,” Harry breathes out. That split second of waiting for a reaction seems to last for ages.

“Huh?” Niall lifts his head, his curious blue eyes piercing through Harry’s entire being.

“I don't like sex, I don't wanna have sex either,” Harry explains in a low voice as his throat tightens. “N-not even with you, even though you're the most beautiful thing and I love you.”

Shit, he didn't mean to say that!

Niall chuckles and Harry frowns. “What’s so funny?”

“Nothing, pet. You announced like it was the most horrifying little secret of yours. Something to be ashamed of. I don't judge. Actually, we’re a perfect couple because the competition always leaves me completely drained, so I always want to just cuddle afterwards. Hopefully, this won’t offend you in some way, but the day I won I—I imagined you. I mean, I always do. Imagine you. It keeps me going. So you don't have to worry, I’m perfectly satisfied thanks to my vivid imagination. I like it like this if you don't mind, of course. I don't want you to be uncomfortable or anything.”

Harry is rendered speechless for a moment, trying to process whether this is a dream or reality. Niall's thumb drawing circles on his hip tells him it’s all pretty much real. “What exactly do you imagine?” he says in a shaky voice, strangely intrigued. Niall laughs out loud this time, the lovely crinkles forming around his eyes, his Adam’s apple bobbing. Yeah, he's perfect, Harry thinks. Then Niall starts describing all the fantasies in intricate detail and Harry listens, smiling and giggling because Niall makes all the things filthy sound so wonderful.

Later that night, he promises not to go any further than Harry’s limit. There's one fantasy he can recreate…and funnily enough, it’s Harry’s fantasy too.

The tender kisses Niall's been giving him recently are now tingling all over his hips, stomach, and inner thighs, as Niall's mouth travels over his body. For Harry, it feels like heaven, and Niall is the angel.

* * *

“I love you too,” Niall whispers before drifting to sleep.

[theleftpill]

I'm not sure why I keep turning to your blog but you seem like a reasonable person so here I am again. The truth is, I'm feeling very lost. I wouldn't call myself a tjlc'er because I don't want to be associated with the core group. I don't go after other ships, I stay clear of discourse etc but I managed to convince myself that johnlock was going to happen. I don't know exactly when this shift between shipping johnlock and believing in it wholeheartedly occurred but it did. The fandom - or at +

I am cackling with glee over the Wank Pack’s flailings and drinking their tears with gusto but it’s you, dear Anon, and others like you, who number far far greater than the Wankers, who I feel for and get angry and frustrated for and I mean my heart breaks a little, honestly, reading your ask.  I’m so sorry you’re feeling so lost and hurt right now.  It’s an awful place to be in.  Especially since the whole thing has been manufactured by a “chosen” few - not jlock, which is a great ship, and not even t*lc, which as a theory and a fan exercise could have been a lot of fun and harmless - but this strident insistence that it was the only framework that the show could exist in and that it was the only endgame.  Because it just isn’t true.

You have no reason to feel ashamed for believing in tjlc.  You found something that resonated with you, that you felt strongly about, that you were able to connect with other people through, which put a smile on your face and made you happy, yes?  There’s no reason to feel ashamed by that.  The only reason you would have to feel ashamed is if you attacked other people for “not believing,” for being “casuals”, for shipping other pairings.  If you engaged in anything like that, now would be a good time to send some apologies.  That will help not just them but also you.  Make up for the shitty things.  You’ll mend some hurt feelings and feel more in control of your situation. 

Then remind yourself and keep remembering that the only people who should feel ashamed about this whole mess are the ones who started attacking others, who sent harassment and abuse to other fans, who sent harassment and abuse to the creators and actors and the BBC, who continue to do that, who continue to insist that they’re right and to “keep believing” and to brainwash and gaslight others into staying with the Conspiracy.  Those are the people who need to be ashamed.  If that’s not you, then you don’t take responsibility.  If that is you, then *stop.*

Yes, the core is louder and angrier and more determined than anyone else in that branch right now - they always have been.  But it is possible to take back your control from them.  Shut them out.  Unfollow them and anyone who reblogs them.  If you’re unfollowing a friend, tell them why so they understand.  Block freely and with gusto.  Clear your dash.  Don’t go into the tags.  My tumblr friends are always commenting on the hate they see on their dash; I never see it.  Because I’m careful of who I follow and who I interact with.  When you find a healthier space in tumblr, spread the word to others who feel the same way as you.  It is possible to enjoy tumblr without engaging in the ugly side.  It takes work but you can do it.

I think that right now, since you’re really feeling hurt, the next best course of action is to step back from Sherlock and the fandom; to what degree is up to you.  The episodes have aired, there’s not going to be a fourth.  The narrative that’s been presented is not going to change.  Accept that first.  Then you decide how to enjoy the show and fandom:  Do you continue to enjoy the show with a shifted pov?  Do you continue to enjoy the show believing in jlock, which of course can be done and is completely valid for yourself?  Do you ignore S4?  Do you withdraw from the people you find toxic and clear your dash of the petitions and revenge and aggression?  Do you maybe find the others who are like you - want to believe but don’t want to be involved with the hate?  Do you find entirely new groups of fans and new ships?  Do you withdraw from tumblr completely?  Do you walk away from the show entirely?  All of these options are possible, but you’re the only one who knows what’s best for you. 

I’m so sorry you’re in such a bad place.  It never should have gotten this far.  I am glad that you feel you can come to my blog and to me; you can always turn to me if it helps.  I might not always be the quickest responder but I am always happy to connect with fans and friends who might need a shoulder.  Find others like me.  They’re out there.  Surround yourself with the good stuff.  Watch the episodes you love the best and enjoy the good parts.  Maybe start to see new things to love about them.  Sherlock is an amazing show, for all its faults.  Find something entirely new to drift into - a new show, a new hobby, something other than television, whatever you need to fill that gap.

Good luck, and let me know how you’re doing.  I wish you the best.