#give a follow if you wanna see a gay animal every day

[koshercosplay]

inspired by a pride-themed biology talk I gave at a science event recently, I've started @gayanimaloftheday where I will, you guessed it, post a gay animal every day

there is so much queerness in nature, it's only right we celebrate it during pride month (and every month)

[mirkwoodshewolf]

No following; Planet of the apes fanfic Chap. 10

*Author's note*

Carver really proves himself to be an ass in this chapter so I apologize in advance if I've made him twice insufferable than he was in the movie. But it'll balance out because now Lin and Caesar will have themselves a private little moment together which I think is bittersweet.

Warnings: mentions of suicide, swearing, Carver being a dumbass, gun violence, wolf attacks.

Taglist:

@plethora-of-things

@waddles03

@jd-johndeacon-or-jackdaniels

@gay-and-ready-to-cry

@psychosupernatural

@queen-paladin

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I led the apes back to where I had left Malcolm and the others and I could hear one of the engines trying to start up but then voices telling the driver to stop.  Of course Carver would try to bail out at the sight of all these apes.  But as I walked down the hill I had left them at, I came up to Carver’s window and saw to no surprise a pistol in his hand.

“Put the damn gun away Carver, you’re already not popular with them do you want them to have a reason to hate you even more?”

“Shut up you bitch!”

“Wow, what are we in kindergarten now?”

“What did he say Lin?” asked Malcolm from the back seat behind Carver.  I turned to him.

“You need to give them your guns. Every single one of them.”

“You can’t be serious.” Carver sneered as he aimed his pistol higher at the apes along the trees close by.

“It’s either that or no deal. You wanna lose the dam or do you want power back on in the city? Cause I would love to tell Dreyfus and the rest of the colony that we had a shot but you chose to fuck it up. Now that’s a bonfire I would love to see.” I quirked my brow at him at my last remark.

“So we give them our guns and he’ll let us work?” asked Malcolm to confirm.

“Yes. But if anyone leaves even one gun hidden, the deal’s off.” Malcolm nodded and got out of the truck, followed by Ellie, Alexander and eventually Carver.

After surrendering all the guns, Malcolm walked over to Caesar and said.

“Thank you. We’ll need a place to set up our camp. Then by morning we’ll get started on our work.” Caesar gave them a nod then said to Malcolm.

“Follow.” He urged his horse upward followed by a few apes trailing behind him while the rest of them headed back home.  We grabbed all our camping gear and supplies and followed behind Caesar.  After about 10 minutes of walking, we finally arrived at a stable clearing with enough room to set up all our tents.

“This is good, yeah this’ll do. Thank you.” Caesar nodded then as the rest of us began to set up camp, Malcolm introduced himself to Caesar.  After he said his name a couple of times, Caesar then gave Malcolm his name and then rode off with the rest of the apes joining him.

We got our tents and equipment all set up by the time darkness settled over the forests.  I had just finished my bowl of stew and was sitting right next to Alexander who was currently drawing in his sketchbook.  I lightly peered over his shoulder and said to him.

“Propaganda.” He was currently drawing the day Caesar told us to go, but the way he had Caesar drawn was like those old propaganda political war cartoon drawings during WW2.  He slightly jumped as he held his sketchbook closer.  “If you’re gonna draw a chimpanzee, you gotta get the features correct, their actually not that different than a human’s face. Just slight more muscle and different structures of the face. Otherwise your art is nothing but propaganda, and I know you can draw better than that.”

“Were you an artist before the virus outbreak or something?” he asked me.

“A type of artist. Now I was nowhere near as skilled of an artist as you, but I did draw every now and then. Got really into drawing wild animals as a kid.” We soon heard a wolf’s howl echoing through the woods. “And that’s Toboe.”

“How can you be sure?” asked Kemp.

“He may be young but that pup’s got the lungs of a cheetah. When he howls, it’s like a long siren blaring out. That’s why I named him Toboe. It means ‘Howling’ in Japanese.”

“You also know Japanese?” asked Alexander.

“Had me a bit of an anime phase as a teenager.” I merely shrugged.

“You know the scary thing about them?” Foster soon spoke up. “They don’t need power, lights. Heat, nothing. That’s their advantage, that’s what makes them stronger. Both for your wolves and those apes.”

“Well way to kill the mood there, Foster.” I stated exasperatedly.  “And they’re not my wolves, Jesus Christ how many times do I gotta say it?”

“Malcolm, I’m thinking one of us should stand guard tonight.” Suggested Kemp but Foster pointed out.

“With what? They took our guns.”

“Believe me if they wanted us dead, they would’ve done away with us a long time ago.” I told them.

“Maybe they’re just taking their time.” Carver said gravely.  I gave an exaggerated eyeroll as I shook my head.  “They already killed off half the planet already.”

“Come on.” Ellie spoke up.

“What?” asked Carver.

“You can’t honestly blame the apes.”

“Who the hell else am I going to blame? It was the Simian Flu.”

“It was a virus created by scientists in a lab. The chimps they were testing on didn’t really have a say in the matter.”

“Spare me the hippie-dippie bullshit. You’re telling me you don’t get sick to your stomach at the sight of them? Huh?” God Carver must’ve been a real blast pre-outbreak if this is his way of thinking.  Better hope he never had children cause if he did….god he’s no better than Hunsiker was.  But what Carver would say next would really cross the line, “Didn’t you have a little girl?”

“Carver that’s enough.” Malcolm warned him.

“How’d she die?”

“That’s enough!” Malcolm yelled.

“Or your wife for that matter?” challenged Carver as he now diverted his attention to Malcolm.

“Carver you better shut up before I kick your ass.” Foster threatened.

“Get in line there Foster.” I backed him up as I glared at Carver across the fire.

“Okay, I’m the asshole.” He said putting his baseball cap on top of his head.

“No, you’re a douchebag.” I said.

“And what of you? You’re just an outsider with no family. What makes you so special to be on your own?”

“You’re gonna have to come up with a better comeback Carver, cause I’ve been asking myself the same damn question for the past ten years.” I sneered before standing up and walked away from the camp.

“Lin!” Malcolm called out to me but I refused to listen.  I came to another clearing about 30 paces away from the camp but I could still see the glimmer of the campfire and I looked up at the stars.

Yeah, why was I the only one to survive? Why me? Why just me? Mom and dad, grandpa, Caroline, Will…..why did they all have to leave me? I heard the rustle of bushes once again and I let out a soft gasp.

“Who’s there?” the bushes rustled again and slowly coming out was the large orangutan.

‘Lin?’ he signed to me.

‘Yes. What’s your name?’

‘It has been a long time, nightingale.’ My eyes briefly widened.  Only two apes have ever referred to me as Nightingale.  Caesar and….

“Maurice?” Maurice gave me a soft nod as he cooed lovingly.  “Hehe…it sure has. I haven’t been called nightingale in years.”

‘You no longer play music?’

“Sadly no. I—lost the music in me a long, long, long time ago. Even before the world went to hell.” Maurice gave a solemn tilt of his head as he grumbled softly.  “But now’s not the time to reminisce, is there a problem?”

‘No problem. Caesar asked me to bring you to him. Just you.’ I turned back towards the camp and narrowed my eyes.  I could do with a break from those guys, especially Carver.  I turned back to Maurice and signed.

‘Lead on.’ He then walked ahead and I followed close behind him. I was taken back to the heart of the Ape’s family home and taken up the large structure where I walked up the spiral staircase made of wood until I reached the very top of the structure’s peak.  Maurice turned outward and sitting at the edge on top of a large boulder that looked over the entire Ape colony was Caesar.

‘Caesar.’ Maurice grunted out with a sign of his name.  Caesar turned and the moment he saw me, he signed his thanks to Maurice and he took his leave, leaving Caesar and I alone.

I stayed in my spot waiting for Caesar to give me permission to come to him.  He then gestured to me to come sit beside him and I walked over to him and sat down beside him.  Even though it looked like the old days of the two of sitting side by side, it didn’t feel quite the same.

We were both different people than who we were in our youth, he was a strong, confident, and wise leader and I—I’m just a woman with a lot of shit and blood on her hands.

“What did you need to see me for?”

“Talk.” Caesar spoke after a moment of silence.

“Talk?” I parroted.  He gave me a nod as he turned to face me. “Okay, what do you want to talk about?” I asked.  He reached out and brushed a strand of my hair out of my face.

“New….hair.” I quirked up a smile.  I brushed through my undercut bob hairstyle I’ve adapted.

“Yeah. Being in an apocalyptic world where humans are always trying to destroy each other, long hair just don’t cut it these days. No pun intended.” I softly scoffed.  “It isn’t too much, is it?”

‘No. It’s fine. Suits you.’ I smiled softly again.  ‘Do Will and the others still live?’ he signed.  At the mention of them, my heart sunk and my throat went dry.

“They’re…..dead Caesar. All of them.” Caesar’s eyes softly narrowed but I could see the shock that was written on his face as I told him.  “Grandpa died weeks after you were taken to the shelter. Alzheimer’s finally taking him away from us. Then after you all escaped deep into the Redwoods, that’s when the epidemic struck. San Fransisco became ground zero to an outbreak that even outrivaled the Black Plaque. Caroline died within a year. It was just Will and I. After her death, we were forced to be separated and monitored incase either one of us contracted the virus. Let’s just say I now understand what you and the other apes felt being caged up. Constantly being monitored, tested and observed 24/7. But you wanna know the worst part of it all, I wasn’t informed straight away of my uncle’s death. My only living relative left and they tell me he died two months after he had passed away from the virus.”

Rage boiled in my body as I clenched my hands into the earth, my arm trembling with anger.

“After a full year of being monitored and being declared ‘genetically immune’, I was tossed out into the streets. Alone. They just….sent me on my way and didn’t care what happened to me afterwards.” I let out a deep and heavy sigh.  “I watched—my entire world burn to the ground. I saw—ugly, terrible things Caesar. Things you’d only see in movies or read about in books. I was just—drifting. And there were times when I…..” I sniffled and wiped across my nose and tried to hold back the tears, “I felt like ending it all.”

‘Why?’ Caesar signed urgently with a small grunt.

“I lost everything Caesar. I had no one left, and seeing how humanity was tearing itself apart I just felt like it was only a matter of time. Whether further down the line I would be taken by the virus, or taken out by human hands. It changed me and not for the better. I’m not the same girl I once was before and I hated myself so much for what this world turned me into.”

‘Do you still wish to die?’ he asked me.  I looked up at the night sky to see all the stars and the half moon lighting up the sky.

“Sometimes. There are some days where I do still think about taking my own life. But there’s always something that stops me from doing that.” I turned towards him, “The hope that you were somehow alive. There would be some nights when I’d tell myself, ‘Lin. If you go through with this, you better realize that this is a permanent outcome. There’s no going back from suicide. And if you go through with this, you may never get to see Caesar’s face one last time.’”

I went to reach out and touch his face but I relented and set my hand back down into my lap.

“But look at you. I mean seriously look at you and your people Caesar, you’re thriving. In numbers that I had only dreamed of. Did you ever settle down? Start a family of your own?”

‘I have a beautiful wife, and two sons.’ He signed to me, a small but proud smile on his face and a loving look in his eyes.

“I’m happy for you Caesar. Truly I am. That’s all we ever wanted of you. Even uncle Will hoped that you were happy, that you’d might settle down, have a few kids. He’d be proud of you, just like I am.” We looked into each other’s eyes and smiled at each other.

A rumble of thunder soon boomed in the distance.  I stood up and said to him.

“I should go before the storm arrives. It was great talking to you again Caesar.” As I went to leave, Caesar then spoke out my name.

“Lin,” I turned back to him.  “Never….forgot. About you. Thought of you, some nights. And remembered….your music.” I wiped my nose again and let out a soft sniffle once again.

“Nice to know the feeling was mutual. Goodnight Caesar.” I then left the ape’s nest and Maurice guided me back to camp.

After I bid him a goodnight (and he the same), I walked back to camp to see that most of everyone had gone to bed all except for Malcolm.  He was still sitting in the same spot by the fire when I had left, he looked up at me and said.

“Where’d you go?”

“Just for a walk. You know how much Carver pisses me off. You didn’t have to wait up on me.”

“I told you earlier Lin, you’re part of the colony. We look out for one another, and I won’t sleep or start anything until I know everyone on my team is present and accounted for.”

“If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you’d make a damn good Colonel.” I headed back into my tent and got into my sleeping bag before popping in a few more of the sleeping pills I had managed to pack away in my pocket and fell asleep.

The next morning I woke up to the sight of 30 or so apes all waiting outside our campsite.  Some standing in front of our tents, other sitting near our dowsed campfire and the rest surrounding the hillside.

Well time to go to work.  I got dressed and walked out of my tent and saw Maurice standing outside of Alexander’s tent.  I stretched myself out and signed to Maurice.

��Good morning.’ Maurice gave me a nod before saying.

‘We found the wolves that were with you by our home. Caesar does not want them near the ape home.’ He signed to me.  So they were close by, so that’s one good thing to know they’re not causing too much trouble.

‘I understand. They’re still wild animals but I’ll try to make it clear for them to understand to not wonder too close to the ape home.’ Maurice gave me a nod as I walked up towards Alexander’s tent.  I entered inside and gently shook the young teen’s shoulder.  “Alex? Alex, get up.” he groaned and opened his eyes.  “We’ve got a lot to get done today.”

When he took notice of Maurice staring at him from behind me, I saw him slightly tense but I told him.

“Relax, he won’t hurt you. But I think he’s taken an interest in your book.” He looked down at his graphic novel before looking at Maurice who let out a low grunt as his eyes were fixated on the book.  “Now come on, get up and ready. I’ll wake the others.” I left his tent and went to wake up the rest of the team.

I saved Carver for last as I took my canteen filled with water and dumped it all over his face.  He jumped up from the cold shock of my water and I just left without another word before he could register just who it was that did it.

“Rise and shine ladies! Time to get to work!” I proclaimed as they each crawled out of their tents tiredly.

“How do you have this much energy for so early in the morning?” asked Kemp.

“I don’t. I was trained to wake up this early, and in this world the early bird catches the worm. Or in our case, the early workers get the dam up and running. Now let’s get going they’re not going to wait up on us.” That’s when everyone finally took notice of all the apes surrounding our camp.

Of course Carver jumped out of his skin but a smack from Foster calmed him down.

“Don’t we get to have breakfast first?” asked Kemp.

“We can eat after we’ve worked. Now let’s gather what we need and get to work.” I said as I gathered up all my supplies.

“Who died and made you the leader of this mission?” Carver accused.

“She’s right Carver. We’ve only got three days to get this dam up and running. It’s best we get to work now. We can manage without breakfast for today.” Malcolm backed me up as he and Ellie left to grab their own supplies.  Once everyone had something to carry, the apes lead us back towards the dam.

I went with the guys into the dam to set up the explosives to clear off any blockage that would prevent more water from traveling through the dam’s system in order to get us the power we needed.

Carver now took over as leader since he knew all the ins and outs of how the dam worked from within.  He led us down a stairway that led to the tunnels of the dam.  Foster and I held our flashlights towards a circular door and Carver told Malcolm to turn the handle to the left three times to get it opened.

It took some grunt work since the door hadn’t been handled in over a decade but Malcolm finally got it opened.  It was a tight fit but we could all manage to get through one at a time.  Carver went first followed by Malcolm, me, Kemp and then Foster.  We could all hear the water rushing from above and as we looked up, we saw a bunch of roots blocking the water from truly flowing.

“We gotta clear this blockage, Foster start setting up the explosives, Kemp get the wire train ready to go.” Malcolm said.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa, hang on, you’re not actually thinking of setting off the explosives with us inside, are you?” I asked.

“We don’t have much choice Lin. Help Foster set up the explosives along the wall. Carver and I will try to clear a way to get through the rest of the tunnel.”

“C’mon Lin, you’re a better climber than me.” Foster said placing his hand on my shoulder.  I walked with him back through the hole and helped him set up the explosives.  We both had them up along the walls and roots above us.

Then we turned and helped Kemp connect all the wires to the main trigger while he got the fishing lure and handed it to Malcolm.

“Alright, we got as far down as we can, keep the line as straight as possible.” Malcolm told us we nodded and we then began to move further down the closing tunnel giving the line as much slack while making sure to not let anything happen to the wire. 

One wrong move and we either cut the wire from the source, or risk setting the bombs too early and we all go BOOM!  Carver army crawled both him and Malcolm (the both of them laying on what looked like an old wheeled square cart), they dragged the line as far as they could go.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa, that’s all the wire we got.” Malcolm told Carver as he immediately stopped.  “Brace yourselves.” He gave us one final warning, “Three, two, one.” Malcolm then pressed the trigger button and a muffled explosion was heard from behind the door.

But as the tunnel shook and dust sprinkled from above, I looked up and exclaimed.

“INCOMING!!” large pieces of rubble and debris from the dam soon fell on top of us, cutting us off from one another. 

I felt myself being pinned by some rubble that was on my back.  My face was barely above the water as I spat some of it out.  My chest tightened as the panic was starting to set in.  No matter what I tried to do, I was forced back into the water by the shifting weight of the debris that was on my back.

Oh god no not this again! This was just like back in the quarantine cell.  The walls felt like they were closing in around me, tighter and tighter and it didn’t help that I couldn’t move and all I could see was darkness.

“Hey….HEY! HELP! MALCOLM! ELLIE!”

“LIN!? LIN WHERE ARE YOU!?” I heard Malcolm’s voice cry out.

“I’m pinned! I….I CAN’T MOVE! I’M TRAPPED!!” I cried out in a panic as I continued to spit out the water.

“HANG ON LIN! WE’LL GET YOU OUT! JUST STAY CALM!” Malcolm cried out again.

“Okay, JUST HURRY!! Please…..” I whimpered the last part.  I tried to lift my head above the water but it kept flowing higher and higher. 

Oh god, oh my god oh my god oh my god! This—this isn’t how I want to die. Weak and afraid, I can’t die like this, not down here! Oh God and Jesus Christ above if you have any ounce of mercy please don’t let me die down here!

I heard rubble being moved around and I saw a small beam of light coming through the cracks of the rubble.  As more of the rubble and debris blocking my view was cleared away, I saw through the large hole that was now my sanctuary a few of the apes including Maurice and Caesar.

I wanted to speak but my throat was clenched in pure panic as I looked at the apes wide-eyed pleading for help.  I saw through my blurred, panicked vision as Caesar gave the command and I saw as Maurice, Luca and another chimp proceeded to dig me out.  I felt Caesar take my hand and with the other, he kept my head above the water and had me focus on him.

Bit by bit I felt the weight of the rubble being lifted off my back.  Then once my feet were free, Caesar took my other arm and gently pulled me out of the tunnel.  I was then brought onto his back as he carried me out of the dam and the second I felt the fresh air on my face, I let out a loud gasp and rolled off Caesar’s back and onto mine.

Even though I was free, my panic attack was still happening as now all I could hear was the loud ringing and the sounds of the water nearby were nothing but a muffled sound.  Caesar’s face hovered over me as he looked at me concerningly, his hand holding the back of my head.  Maurice soon came beside me, and I saw him lift my hand.

‘Heart beating too fast Caesar.’ I managed to see him sign out.  I continued to breathe faster and faster, the air from my lungs rapidly leaving my body with each breath I took.  My heartbeat pounding in my ears along with the high pitched ringing.

That’s when I felt my head being placed over Caesar’s chest.  I could feel his chest slowly breathing in then out.  I felt him repeat the process a few more times, breathing in nice and slow before exhaling out in the same manner.  I felt my right ear being covered up and the ringing soon faded as I heard the sound of another heartbeat, a strong, steady heartbeat.

It was Caesar’s heart.  Slowly I began to follow his pace, breathing in deep before exhaling out again.  A few of my breaths were a bit sharp and shaky but in the end I was able to get my heart rate down and the world slowly became abrupt with clear sounds.

“Thank you…Caesar.” I breathed out after one last exhale.  Slowly I stood up and felt a tense pain in my lower back.  Maurice then signed to me.

‘How bad are you hurt?’

“Just some tension and throbbing pain. But I can stand up so that’s a good sign that I didn’t severe my spine down there.” I then steadily walked ahead, the two apes trailing behind me as we rejoined with the others.

Thankfully the guys managed to get out alright (well except for Carver who had a cut leg, oh well).

“Lin!” Malcolm came up as did Ellie.

“I’m fine, I can walk. Ellie, can you just check my back real quick?” I asked her.

“Yeah, yeah come on sit down.” She led me towards one of the logs as Foster handed me some water to not only drink but to clean my face off from the dust.  “Where does it hurt?”

“My lower back, right in the middle. I was pinned by a huge mass of debris when the explosion happened. I still have feeling in my legs and didn’t have any problems walking except for some tension pain.”

“That’s good news at least.” Stated Ellie.  “Do you mind if I—”

“Do what you need to do.” She then lifted my shirt up so that she could have a better look at my back.  But I also knew that she’d be the only person to truly see all the old scars I had gotten from my days in the military.  The whip marks and beatings I took when I served there.

“You uhh…definitely have some bruising on your lower back right in your lumbar area, you did get chewed up by the debris. But thankfully nothing too serious, just think of it like a road rash.”

“No wonder why I’m feeling that familiar stinging sensation. I once fell off my bike when I was nine and got road rash on my knee caps. Not a good day.” I then felt the familiar sensation of rubbing alcohol being pressed to my wound as I let out a sharp hiss but soon relaxed.

Ellie then applied some peroxide and then placed a band-aid over it when I soon felt something climbing onto my shoulder.  I turned and saw a baby chimpanzee soon staring me straight in the eye.

“Well hello.” I greeted softly.  The baby chimp soon climbed over my shoulder and soon fell into my lap.  I smiled softly as I reached out my hand and held it out for him.  He gave me hand a quick sniff before placing his tiny hand against my palm.  It barely reached the ends of the center of my palm and he hooted curiously.

I turned to Caesar who was once again on his horse and signed to him.

‘This your son?’ Caesar gave me a soft look and a small nod.  I also took notice of the younger male chimp who was eyeing me wearily.  Now without the war paint on his face, I could clearly see the family resemblance between the baby chimp and this one.  They both had Caesar’s facial structure.  And while they had a more softer appearance than Caesar did at both their ages, I could still see the similarities.

After getting to know Caesar’s youngest son, he soon left my lap and soon took an interest in both Ellie and Alexander.  Both of them were enamored of Caesar’s youngest son, and who could blame them? When chimps are little babies, they are about the cutest things on earth.  Reminds me so much of Caesar when he was this small.

I also took notice how Foster’s usual stern expression softened as he watched Caesar’s youngest son interact with Ellie and Alexander.  Even Kemp was smiling as he tried to take a better look at the baby from afar.  As the baby, went from Ellie’s lap to Alexander’s now Ellie let out a laugh and held out her finger for the baby to grab, which he did as he curiously observed it.

The baby then went down and started to play with Alexander’s sneakers.  Lifting the tongue up and releasing it to see it flick down.  Alexander even began to talk with the baby in a calm, soft voice.  But of course Carver had to ruin the moment as he demanded to Ellie.

“What are you doing? Are you finished?” he then turned his attention to Alexander and sneered, “What are you looking at?” God Carver really needs to take a fucking heel and relax.  So long as he doesn’t do anything stupid, there’s no need to be paranoid over a baby chimpanzee.  But as always with Carver, I spoke to soon.

I watched as the baby went into Carver’s suitcase and curiously begin to look through it.  That’s when my eye caught the silver gleam of a shotgun underneath the cloth the baby just pulled back.

My heart raced as rage boiled within me but before I could speak, Carver the dumbass immediately got up and screamed at the baby.

“HEY! HEY! HEY GET OUT OF THERE!” that soon led to Caesar’s eldest son to go in and defend his younger brother.  As Carver went for the baby, the young blue eyed chimp knocked Carver down to the ground with one shove.  The young male chimp screeched defensively as he began to go after anyone that came near his brother or Carver.  Knocking Kemp over then challenging getting into Foster’s face forcing him to back off

Carver then went for his case and cocked his shotgun as he aimed it at the male chimp getting his attention.

“HEY! I’ll kill you!” I immediately raced in as the male chimp gave a threatening hiss, baring his teeth.

“If you want to shoot someone then you shoot me! Look me in the eyes Carver and pull the trigger!” I held my arms out to ensure that not a single shot would harm Caesar’s first born son.

Carver growled then a blast from the gun sounded off.  But I didn’t feel any pain nor did I hear anyone, neither ape nor man, scream.  All except Carver’s. 

I opened my eyes to see that Kiba had Carver’s arm in his teeth, Tsume had him on his back pinned by the shoulders, while Hige and Toboe stood in front of me protectively snarling at Carver, their tails high up and their fur riled up aggressively.

Slowly I walked around Hige and Toboe and stood over Tsume and stared blankly down at Carver.  Kiba biting deeper into his arm as Carver continued to scream.

“Call off your damn wolves!” he hissed through his agony.

“I keep telling you they’re not my wolves.” I stated in a calm, cold tone.  “They can do whatever they please, why I could just let Tsume finally have his revenge from you shooting out his ear. Or allow Kiba to tear your arm right out of its socket, much less of a hassle then ripping apart an elk’s leg. You broke our agreement Carver, for once in your life why couldn’t you just put your damned ego and paranoia aside and follow orders like a good little soldier!?” I snapped my last command.

I continued to glare down at him with my ice, cold and soulless stare.

“But your life, is not mine to take.” I let out a whistle and Kiba released Carver’s arm while Tsume begrudgingly got off of Carver and followed Kiba to stand with Hige and Toboe.  Carver cradled his arm as I walked away allowing Caesar to come forward and just like he did a decade ago with Steven Jacobs, he stood over Carver’s pitiful body, his own weapon now turned against him as it was raised and ready to beat him.

“Don’t! Don’t Caesar no! No!” Malcolm pleaded.  Caesar was enraged.  And I felt partial blame for this since he trusted me, who knows if what I did to save his son would be enough to spare him from his wrath.

A father’s love is a strong and powerful thing after all.

He looked at the shotgun, observing it with distain and rage as he lowly growled.

“Said…..No. Guns.” He pointed the gun straight at Malcolm.  Before quickly directing it at Ellie and Alexander.

“No.” Ellie quietly pleaded as she held her hands out in surrender as Malcolm pleaded with a quiet ‘please’.  Caesar then directed his attention to Kemp who went up against one of the logs and held his hands up in surrender, before then pointing the gun at Foster who jumped back.

Caesar was at a standstill.  He was smart enough to know how to pull the trigger, hell I even saw him clench it ever so tighter each time he directed it at a new person.  But he lowered the gun and once again held it like a club before finally throwing it into the river.

Brief relief came across everyone’s face as the gun was now taken out of the picture, but that still didn’t save them from Caesar’s wrath.  He turned back to Malcolm said he to him.

“I didn’t know.” Caesar trudged forward as he youngest son came running up to him.  He picked his baby up, holding him protectively as he roared in Malcolm’s face.

“Human. Leave. NOW!!” Caesar then hooted for the apes to move out leaving us at the river’s edge.  As they left, I saw Caesar’s eldest son glare at everyone else but when his eyes turned to me he seemed conflicted.

But his confliction soon reverted back to anger as he urged his horse onward and followed behind his father.

“Carver what the fuck is wrong with you man!? Why the hell did you keep a gun with you!?” demanded Foster.

“I’m glad I did! You saw how many there were. They would’ve killed us! You just saw how he almost killed me”

“Because you attacked one of them!” snapped Ellie.

“I can’t believe you all are turning against me for them. They’re responsible for killing half of humanity already! You know it would’ve been a matter of time before they attacked us!”

“If they ever did, hope they get to you first.” I spoke up.

“Of course you’d think that. The way you are with them, the way you defend them. Hell you’ve probably known they were up here and was fucking with their leader!” I turned my head sharply towards him, walked up to him and gave him a falcon punch so hard to the face, I heard his nose break.

“So far these apes have given me more reason to trust them than to trust you. Trust any of you!” I turned my attention to Malcolm and his crew. “I believe I made myself quite clear, No. GUNS! Malcolm, you’re the self-appointed leader here. Why didn’t you check Carver’s case since you knew he’d be the one least trustworthy to surrender his guns willingly!?”

“Lin I—”

“ANSWER THE GODDAMN QUESTION!” he remained silent.  “That’s what I thought.” I sneered.  My breathing sharpened as I rubbed my face harshly and scratched the saved part of my undercut.  “I don’t even know why I took pity on all of you in the first place. From now on, I’m done with all of you. Leave these woods and give Dreyfus this message. Tell him if he dares send any soldiers here, The Hawk’s Eye will be waiting for him.”

I stormed into the woods with the pack trailing behind me.

[famousfilmsfan]

Bryan and Jons Dyanamic was never explored often so I decided to give them one.

Kinds hyperfixated on this

Part 1:

Jon: You really let me drop out of college for no reason?

Bryan: I was honestly convinced you would cut me if I did.

Jon: I can’t believe how horrible I was to everybody.

Bryan: yeah, and you constantly claim I play the victim.

Jon: Shut up.

Bryan: Make me.

Jon: *chuckles* this is nice. To actually talk like two friends, no yelling at eachother

Bryan: Yeah.

Jon; So..did you actually try to contact me before evil bryan took over?

Bryan: every day, I got hung up on, two fake wrong numbers and one f*ck your mother.

Jon: Damn. Sorry Bryan.

Bryan: Yeah...my mom is a b!tch though.

Jon: Oh good that wasn't my condition, she is the worst, like every hallmark villain rolled into one

Bryan: Hey! That’s my mom you’re talking about!

Jon: B-but you said.

Bryan: Hey only a son can talk bad about his mom.…but yeah she is a hallmark villain

Jon: Hmmm I have an idea

Bryan: Wanna pitch the movie idea to Hallmark and make more money?

Jon: Hell yeah!

Part 2:

Bryan and Jon we're sitting by the pool. Bryan in red trunks and a t-shirt and Jon….

Bryan: Is that a speedo?

Jon: Yeah?

Bryan: You know only athletes and pervs wear those in public right?

Jon: Hey! I’m pretty well built!

Bryan: Well…

Jon: Says the guy who photo shops abs onto himself.

Bryan: I don’t photoshop.

Jon: Prove it

Bryan takes his shirt off revealing abs.

Jon: What the? How!

Bryan: The twisted really made me an active person. I mean I jumped over a ten-foot wall. When have you done that?

Jon:…decent point.

Bryan puts his shirt back on and lays down.

Part 3

Bryan and Jon, we're on a vacation together away from Fazbears. They told the animatronics they were going to a conference so they wouldn't follow.

Jon: So Bryan how did you find this place?

Bryan: Online, said they were having a deal on rooms.

Jon: Uh. Bryan have you noticed how there are only men here

Bryan: Huh? *looks around* Oh didn't notice

Jon: Bryan…show me the website.

Bryan showed the website to Jon on his phone

Jon: Bryan…this is a hotel for gay couples

Bryan: What? *looks at it* Oh that explains the double bed in our room

Jon: You think? We’re not a couple!

Bryan: Well not anymore but maybe *smirks*

Jon:….What does that mean?

Bryan: Well we did used to date. Remember?

Jon; Uhhh?

Bryan: First year of college? We had Friday date nights

Jon: We just hung out together.

Bryan: We shared dessert!

Jon; Because we were broke

Bryan: You were broke. I was a trust fund baby. *puts on sunglasses and smirks* Baby.

Jon: You’ve been waiting for that weren't you?

Bryan: *embarrassed* Very much yeah.

Bryan, throwing his head into Jon's lap: Tell me I'm pretty!

Jon, lovingly stroking his hair: You're pretty f*cking annoying, that's what you are.

Part 4

*Jon and Bryan are in Paris.*

Jon: I'm...moved. I...I don't know what it is I'm feeling right now. I feel...destiny?

Bryan: But...

Jon: I don't know what it is. I feel like... I just never thought I'd see it with my own two eyes. And here it is. It's just there. It's right in front of me, and...

Bryan: This is what you wanted to see? The bridge from Inception?

Jon: Yeah.

Bryan: But the Eiffel Tower is behind us, babe.

Jon: Yeah, but this is the bridge FROM INCEPTION.

Bryan: Okay, alright.

Part 6

Bryan: You’re giving me a sticker?

Jon: Not just a sticker. That is a sticker of a kitty saying “me-wow!”

Bryan: I’m not a preschooler.

Jon: Fine, I’ll take it back-

Bryan: I earned this, back off!

Part 7

Bryan: Jon can you call the Glamrocks they’re not listening to me

Jon: Bryan i’m not their mom.

Bryan: At least try.

Jon: fine…guys! Get over here!

*Immediately the Glamrocks all line up behind Jon like ducklings*

Jon: Uhh.

Bryan: Awwww!

Part 8

Jon: Davis hand me your sewing kit

Davis: I don't have one

Jon: You don't have one in your pocket?

Davis: No because i’m not a 50’s housewife

Later!

Jon: Hey Bryan do you have a sewing kit on you?

Bryan: Yeah i’m not an animal

Jon: Davis I can pick this lock. I need a Bobby pin

Davis: Okay…oh yeah I don't have one i’m not a nine year old girl.

Jon: Bryan?

Bryan: *holding four of them* Which size?

Part 9:

Jon; Vindi.

Vendi: Jonathen.

Bryan:….Bryan!

Jon and Vendi stare at him

Jon and Vendi: *thinking* God why do I love this man?

Part 10:

Vendi: *on his knees with a ring and orchids* Bryan my dear I love you so much, ever since you entered my office and I saw those gorgeous eyes please I beg you. Marry me?

Jon: *on his knees next to him with a ring and roses* Bryan please, i’ve known you for years and I fell in love with you over the years, every action makes you even more adorable in my eyes. Marry me please?

Bryan: *panicking. Can’t break Jons heart but also can’t break Vendis*

Jon: so?

Bryan: Maybe…all three of us could work it out?

Jon:….

Vendi:…..

Later!

Vendi Jon and Bryan were in bed together, Jon on Bryans left and Vindi on his right.

Bryan: *internally* I can’t believe that worked.

(wow I just made Bryan poly….i don’t regret that)

[sarah-dipitous]

Hellsite Nostalgia Tour 2023 Day 172

LARP and the Real Girl/Closing Time

“LARP and the Real Girl”

Plot Description: Sam and Dean investigate the mysterious deaths of two LARPers who were engaged in a game involving a real fairy

Would I Survive the First Five Minutes??: I mean…if the fae get you, the fae get you…

I did cut out the part in the description where they said what LARP stood for, just full disclosure

Honestly, they DESERVE to go see a movie or hit up a bar. Just one night off

Omg I love that Dean really has accepted Garth as the new Bobby

God…I’d love that LotR poster.

Fuck you, small town cop. Look. I don’t know what this guy’s whole deal was, but as long as he treated women right and wasn’t a gatekeeping asshole, “toys” on display at your residence (read: replicas of weapons from fantasy series and probably figurines of some sort. (Remind me to make a post about how much I’ve spent on the anime figures at my work desk…and the look on my work bestie’s face when she saw the amount)) are not a sign that you can’t be in a relationship or get laid.

“These kids today with their texting and murder…” I wanna kiss whoever wrote that line of dialogue on the mouth.

Felicia Day’s hair is so pretty

The dramatic thunder is…well, it’s something

Sometimes I get so sad about how much Dean has missed out on due to John. THIS is one of those times. He’s so excited to help Charlie with her battle strategy!! And he never got to foster that because he had to grow up WAY too fast and ALWAYS had to keep the tough guy persona. He’s such a little nerd at heart

Dean and Charlie should have gotten wayyyyyy more time together

You know, for being known as the nerdier of the two brothers, Sam is having zero fun with this and really just wants to get the job done. Dean’s in costume and following Charlie around as she flirts with every woman she encounters in their investigation

Noooooo don’t abduct Charlieeeeeeee

Oh. Looks like Charlie is no longer disappointed in her kidnapping

I love the boys getting sidelined in favor of the rules of this LARPing community

Of COURSE it’s that dude

Did he really think that the sword, once it turned back into foam, was going to stop Dean??

Omg is he……….HE’S GIVING THE SPEECH FROM BRAVEHEART. Deeeeeeeean

“Closing Time”

Plot Description: The Doctor, in his final days of life, encounters a mystery as he visits an old friend

Don’t love that we’re back with James Corden

What is happening with the…no that’s not how you ask about lighting in this show. Hey, who turned out the lights?

The cybermen? Maybe

Stormaggedon, Dark Lord of All is quite the name for a baby to give themself

This Farewell Tour he’s on doesn’t hit as hard as Ten’s because he’s really been with just Amy and Rory and River most of the time, with the exception of Craig (who he’s visiting now), also I know he has at least two more seasons

Hmmmmmmmm a motorized toy…the cybermen are hijacking TOYS??

Omg…I don’t like how often Moffat-run shows have the joke “oh these two men seen together and/or show any sort of affection toward each other MUST be gay.”

He just went straight for the lingerie department?? Come on…

Oh they didn’t hijack shit, they just put a weird robotic rat thing in a department store

I forgot we jumped ahead some time….we still get a little bit of Amy and Rory, but Amy’s already a perfume model

The cybermen gave the cybermat TEETH??? WHY???

These….oh, yeah. Those are things to cry about later. For sure

Oh…that baby’s ceiling is the ideal. Like, real project galaxies

Aw man, James Corden only ALMOST got mauled by the lil rat thingy

Ugh, the Doctor is doing the whole “I shouldn’t have anyone around me” thing again

Did they actually kill Craig???? What is happening???? Ahhh, rats. Like, of course they didn’t but STILL

So the cybermen just exploded? Because Craig felt emotion again??

This episode is just eh. Except for the Doctor’s coat. The coat’s good

Why DOES linear time affect him now??

Oh that’s where he got the hat River’s about to shoot off

[taki118]

Go Watch the Venture Brothers

So just heard the complete and utter Bullshit news that Adult Swim has cancelled one of (if not the best shows) they have the Venture Bros. This series is one of those shows that for WHATEVER reason never got to the level of fandom Rick and Morty has even though they’ve been at the genre parody game longer and in my opinion better. 

The series is about Rusty Venture former boy adventurer and failing super scientist who in an attempt to keep his head above water in debt goes around with his two boys Hank and Dean, and bodyguard Brock on misadventues while various legal archnemisis go after him, such as the Monarch. 

So if you never watched or never heard of this 7 season series let me give you a break down on why you should, 

1) Art Style & Animation

Venture bros is one of those rare Adult aimed animated series that that really truly tries to utilize their medium to the best of their abilities. Season 1 had like such a small budget and corners had to be cut so it can be a little hard to watch at times. 

But with each passing season they get a little better, a little more fluid, go just a little harder and it truly feels rewarding to watch. Like seeing an artist you follow online improve over the years. Like they COULD have stayed with the choppy and stiff animation from season 1 it fit right in with its fellow adult animated shows but it didn’t. They strove for quality to have something that matched the story they were telling.

2) The Writing 

Venture Bros has some of the tightest and consistently great writing of ANY serialized show I’ve seen, adult, animated or other wise. Wanna know why? Cause it’s all done by TWO people (save for like one ep each season where one other person is allowed to touch their baby). Yeah TWO people and they work their asses off every season to interject, humor, refrences, parody, plot and character development in equal measure. 

3) Character Development

Um yes in case you were wondering that’s right an adult animated show has CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT  that holds as the series goes on. Not to give spoilers but characters will go through changes in alignment, relationships will develop and change, some characters will go through negative arcs where they are straight up unbareable for a season before coming out the other side even better than they were before. There is no end of epsiode or even end of season reset. Characters, settings, and dynamics all change over the course of the show and it feels just so god damn good.

4) Story Development 

Just like the characters the story of the Venture Bros grows and changes each season. Things that are set up even as early as season one are paid off as the series goes on. Like not to be that bitch but you know how RIck and Morty teases an overarching plot ALL THE TIME but like will often just spit in the face of fans hoping for more than like one episode a season addressing it? Yeahhhhhhh that doesnt happen here, fans are consistently rewarded for putting the time in to rewatch and really think about what happened in the series. Characters that are seen in the background or are just referenced by other characters will be brought in to be recurring characters, things that start off as a small detail or gag will be given larger relevance and each time they do this you get that “OH I remember that from last season! So thats what it was!” The writers WANT you to rewatch, they WANT you to analyze and they WANT you to theorize, and they give you a show that gives back the time you put in.

5) Parody & Reference 

This series does a great thing with parody. They make real characters  who are just as enjoyable as the characters they parody, they make story lines that both poke fun at the absurdity of the media but shows the writers love for it. So often parody and references are just used to mock the thing but with Venture Bros you feel the love and care so when you know the thing being parodied you can laugh but feel good about laughing cause they are never laughing at a thing maybe you cared for in your youth but rather laughing with it.

And it’s never just one thing. When they parody a thing its often layered with other things to make it even more unique. Scooby-Doo is overlayed with famous criminals, Laura Croft is mixed Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman, GI Joe is given the look of the Village People and so on. They never go for the easy joke or reference. Hell theres an episode that starts with them reciting the lyrics to David Bowies Space Oddity for really no reason other than they could. They weave these things in naturally with their setting and characters so nothing feels out of place. Like if you dont catch a reference or parody you dont feel like “I think this isa reference to something?” like a LOT of things do not just adult animated shows. You arent taken out of the moment cause it all feels so natural. 

6) The Characters 

God damn these characters, I could go on for hours about these characters. From main to one off these are some of the most likeable characters you can find. I mean it when I say I can’t think of a single character I wish they had cut cause they are all so well created. Even the ones I hate i have fun hating cause they were made to be that way. I’ll be good though I’ll only talk about my absolute top faves.

- The Monarchs

You ever sit and wish villain couples could have functional  healthy relationships? Well look no further than Malcom Fitzcarraldo aka The Monarch and Dr. Shelia Girlfriend (yes that is her last name). The Monarch is a high strung impulsive saturday morning cartoon villain whos tendency to over react is only matched by his unspecified hatred of Dr. Venture. And Dr. G is his nonsense partner in crime who will cut a bitch if they don’t play by their admittedly weird rules. Both characters are great on their own but are better together. Though that doesnt mean they always get along. Like a real couple they have their ups and downs they fight, break up, make-up and grow stronger in their relationship with each season. 

- Shore Leave

Ok ok so I want you to imagine James Bond, mixed with GI Joe simmering in a cocktail of the most flamboyant gay men you have ever seen and you have one of my favorite gay characters/characters in general. Shore Leave is a member of OSI (the shows SHEILD/GI Joe parody organization) he’s loud, brash, flippant, sassy and highly competent at his job loving every second of getting to beat bad guys down within an inch of their life. I love seeing him play off the stoic Brock and the two have this great brotherly dynamic that’s never called into question. He also gets to have a very cute romance with Al the Alchemist (who is also great). I could talk about this man all day.

- Dr. Rusty Venture

They did such a good job with this man. He’s a self serving, sexist, perverted, whinny, self important asshole and yet you feel pity and genuine sympathy for him and want him to succeed. You can see how Dr. V was given a raw deal by his father who seemed to care more about his adventures than his sons well being and how this molded him into the bitter man he is today, but on the flip side you can see where he chose to use that as a crutch for his worst behaviors and impulses. Seeing him slowly grow and change and be an actual good father to his boys while all the while still be a giant dick is actually really great. 

- Dr. Byron Orpheus 

Ahhhhh Dr. Orpheus part Dr. Strange Parody part busybody stay at home dad, he’s just such a delight. Dr. Orpheus is a divorcee, with an unfulfilling job of maintaining order to the cosmos (which isnt as hard as one might think), and uses his magical ablities in ways most of us would (ie menial tasks and home chores). Overly dramatic and affectionate Dr. O is a delight whenever he appears, but he’s at his best around his daughter and old friends The Order of the Triad. 

Again I can go on but all these characters ranging from main to recurring are crafted with the utmost care for you to want to see them succeed or fail, to see them again even if you know it’ll never happen, and want them to cross paths with other characters. 

The Venture Bros is one of those series that I will ALWAYS recommend even to the pickiest of humor tastes. But if you don’t believe its as good as I said or don’t think the concept is to your tastes I’ll recommend a few eps that I think best show off the base idea of the series without giving much away. In terms of plot and spoilers, though somethings wont make a lot of sense. 

- S1 ep10 "Tag Sale – You're It!" - Dr. V is having a yard sale so of course all manner of costumed weirdos show up.  - S2 ep5 "Twenty Years to Midnight" - basically a fetch quest around the world to save the planet with daddy issues - S3 ep2 "The Doctor Is Sin" - Again daddy issues but with one of the best recurring characters and a great showcase of the series deeper emotional plots - S4 ep6 "Self-Medication" - Really embraces the parody as Rusty goes to a former boy adventurer support group.  Anyway the show is 7 seasons with 80 episodes, please go watch it. I will never forgive @adultswim​ for cancelling what was to be their final season. And in closing GO TEAM VENTURE!

[feralaot]

random scouts hcs!

I did a post like this for the warriors my beloved (here) and people seemed to like it so here's one for the scouts :) had some input from @afrival for this one luv u

no warnings I think

eren

if he had twitter he would have a vaporwave bart simpson profile picture and tweet lil peep lyrics. also uses way too many hashtags

he's scared of snakes and hates armin's ball python

his eyes are probably crusty as hell and mikasa has to wipe em for him because he won't

when he's losing an argument he goes "ooh you wanna kiss me so bad" and it always escalates things but he doesn't stop

almost exclusively wears american eagle

"what's a pronoun".mp3

uses the 💯 emoji in every other text message he sends

armin

sends his friends pictures of cats cuddling/hanging out and says "me n you <3"

genuinely can't stand when people have dirt under their fingernails. he gets so mad at eren bc his nails are dirty asf and armin forces him to clean them

he calls himself sexy a lot (e.g. "that was really sexy of me")

chews on bottle caps then is like hmm why do my teeth hurt

he hates feet. toes look weird to him. nobody in his house is allowed to take their socks off

unironically uses faces like ^-^ and :3

acne :(

mikasa

she's really bad at giving advice. don't go to her for help she'll literally be like "that's tough"

probably has like 4 instagram accounts made just to follow eren

solid black profile picture and no bio

maybe now and then she'll put a my chemical romance quote on her story but that's about it, she doesn't respond to dms or anything

doesn't wash that damn scarf so it's probably stinky

sticks staples, pins, etc through the tips of her fingers for no reason other than she likes freaking people out

probably hisses at people

jean

the only possible relationship dynamic somebody can have with him is rivals to lovers

very short social fuse and has to stay home for several days after public events bc it's just exhausting

he's an introvert adopted by extroverts (connie and sasha) and has to deal with their shenanigans. truly the mom figure between the three of them

marco has to listen to him ranting about connie and sasha's foolery and doesn't have much advice to offer bc he doesn't know either

for a long time he only knew "straight" and "gay" and when he found out about the concept of bisexuality his mind almost imploded

he sighs and yawns a lot and doesn't even realize he does it. people always think he's either annoyed or tired

probably dresses like a diet e-boy. crewneck king

connie

the kind of kid in your high school gym class that wears mismatching neon clothes. bonus points if it's nike

also the most likely to start a food fight for funsies

he doesn't yell often because his voice cracks when he does and it's embarrassing

sasha and him hate cafeteria food so he always brings an ungodly amount of food in his backpack instead to share with sasha. connie's backpack is 90% food

unironically says things like "pogchamp" and "rad"

he works at zumiez and probably lives there. always rocking their latest drip

jumps up and slaps exit signs

sasha

randomly breaks into song (usually disney songs) and connie will automatically duet

manages to fall asleep in any situation. on buses, while watching movies, sometimes even mid conversation if she's zoned out enough

tried to take armin fishing one time but he almost cried because he felt so bad about it

at least reiner will fish with her though. the himbos always come through

her instagram is all pictures of fish she caught and now and then there's an awkward candid pic of niccolo

stayed overnight in a walmart one time and got away and brags about it but she won't admit it was an accident. panicked and spent the night eating snacks off the shelves to "survive"

while she's talking her voice slowly gets louder and louder and she doesn't realize it until people tell her to stop yelling

historia

pulls people by the ears to bring them down to her level

also kicks people in the shins a lot, if she's arguing with someone they'll usually keep their distance to avoid getting shin kicked

loves climbing on ymir's back and just being carried around like the little creature she is

posts inspirational quotes on her story

would definitely be a cheerleader in high school. nobody would guess a prep like her is dating some grunge girl w a pretty much opposite personality

she always has bandaids with her for some reason. if someone gets scraped she'll whip out a bandaid immediately. her friends call her "mom" sometimes

hates grilled cheese so god damn much. can't stand it

ymir

"damn I don't remember asking".mp3

is always the first one to comment on historia's instagram posts. her comments range from "beautiful my queen!!!" to "damn ma yo ass fat"

she always called reiner gay as a joke then he came out as gay and for a while she thought it was her fault

her and reiner have wlw and mlm solidarity, they're bffs for that matter

if someone tells her that her music is too loud she'll say "huh?" and turn it up

similarly if someone scolds her for something she'll go "hm? repeat that, I'm a little deaf in this ear"

"bro stfu you always tell me you're gonna fire me for being late"

levi

really really hates cooking pasta because straining the water is for some reason more difficult than it should be

"do not underestimate me, bitches"

always refuses to get his hair cut at places in shopping centers. especially walmart great clips

makes monkey noises when he sees something he likes. he started doing this as a joke to mock zeke but it evolved and now he can't stop doing it randomly

will not hesitate to knock someone on their ass if they're talking shit

coffee makes him jittery so he drinks tea instead but won't admit to anyone that he lowkey also has a redbull addiction

hange calls him a catboy but he doesn't know what that means so he's always like "yeah" bc he thinks it means he's a cat person

hange

buys levi shoes from the kids section and doesnt tell him bc he likes them anyway

such a millennial, they say shit like "doggo" and "adulting"

"for practical reasons I don't exist. do not perceive me"

probably wants to marry mothman

levi has had to scold them on several different occasions for bringing live animals into the house

legally isn't allowed to cook bc they can and they will blow something up

goes on tipsy rants almost nightly

erwin

white skechers king

hosts barbecues in those white skechers. he talks shit about people with nile and pyxis like a bunch of gossiping middle aged fath- wait

his profile pictures on social media are probably pictures of himself taken from awkward angles with an empty expression. it's always posted like six times as well

when levi is getting Out Of Hand he'll pick him up from under the arms and carry him away like "okay, that's enough" and levi kicks around but can't escape

rubs his hands together a lot like a fly. nobody knows why he does it. what are you scheming

falls asleep on couches while watching sports games

[swinging his keys around his finger] "let's rock and roll"

[wooyunhwa]

Genre: smut, fluff, humorous undertones

Pairing: barista!san & barista!wooyoung x fem!reader

Word Count: 7.6k

Warnings: idk just a lot of smut scenes, semi-public sex (in a bathroom), minor pet play (san discovers he’s furry trash), threesome with san and wooyoung but they’re not gay for each other, mild food play (whipped cream) 

Synopsis: How do you choose between two cute baristas competing for your attention? The short answer: you don’t. 

A/N: This one starts wholesome and gets wild. I have a problem with writing San with a furry kink oops,, anyway there’s three separate smut scenes in this so strap in and enjoy the ride~ this was so much fun to write and I hope it’s just as fun to read! Comments are appreciated as always <3 

You paid for your coffee, taking your debit card back from the cashier with a polite nod and a “thank you.” He smiled warmly, flashing his brilliant teeth as he tore off the little piece of paper from the printer. 

“Receipt?” he asked. 

“Sure,” you replied. 

His name was San, which you knew from his nametag. You had come to that particular cafe enough that you were pretty familiar with everyone. You took it, smiling back at him. It could have been your imagination, but lately it seemed like his gaze had been lingering on you. He would make eye contact for a little longer than necessary when you ordered, or smile a little too much when handing you your coffee, or maybe not, and it was all just in your head. You kinda hoped it wasn’t, because he was really, really cute. 

You’d been coming to that coffee shop since earlier in the summer, sporadically at first, but midterms coming up meant you really had to buckle down on trying to tame your workload. You kinda regretted taking summer classes at first, but it was nice to have the coffee shop all to yourself in the evenings, unlike in the fall when it was packed with students. It was so quiet, in fact, that the employees had shut the lights off and almost closed up once when they hadn’t noticed you were still inside. It wasn’t strange for you to be the last customer left in the cafe, especially since you’d been staying late to study more often.

You set your laptop up in your usual spot—the corner seat with the outlet. It was cozy and out of the way, and relatively free of distractions. Well, relatively meaning there was still a very cute barista shooting glances your way, and you tried your best to keep your eyes glued to your screen as you typed out your essay for your literature class. But you couldn’t help but peek in his direction every now and then.

“Y/N?” a voice called. It was Wooyoung’s voice, not San’s. Wooyoung was the other cute barista who worked there, and honestly, you’d kinda had your eye on both of them for a while. It wasn’t unusual for them to be working at the same time, but most nights it was either one or the other. He gave you a sweet smile as you thanked him and took the cup back to your seat. 

Next to your name was a smiley face and some cute flower doodles, and you grinned at the fact that he’d gone out of his way to make your coffee cup look special. Wooyoung always drew a cute little design next to your name, sometimes including phrases like “have a good day!” or “you rock!” or even a short little joke. You often wondered if he did that for other customers, or if he was doing it to flirt with you. Which you kinda hoped was the case, to be honest. He had a playful, sexy charm about him, and you often wondered how a person could make an apron look so hot. 

The next day, you were working diligently when you noticed San slide into the empty seat across from you as you worked. You looked up from your coffee, startled, but moved your laptop out of the way to give him some room. 

“What’cha studying?” he asked, grinning as he leaned over to peek at your screen. 

“Oh—uh, just studying for midterms, nothing too exciting,” you said, taking a shy sip of your coffee. He was even more beautiful up close, his smile almost too dazzling for words. He ran a hand through his pale blonde hair, turning his head to glance out the window, and you marvelled at the cut of his jawline as he tipped his chin up slightly. He turned back, meeting your stare warmly. 

“Is it ok if I sit here? I can move, I don’t wanna bother you—“

“No, not at all!” you said a little too quickly. “Actually, I was just about to take a break from studying.”

“Oh, nice! I’m on break, too,” he said, a warm smile still plastered across his face. You tried your best not to stare, but it was futile. 

“I’m Y/N,” you said instinctively. 

He laughed. “Yeah, I know. I take your coffee order every day!” 

Your face felt red hot. Something about looking at how gorgeous he was made your brain short-circuit. 

“But while we’re introducing ourselves, I’m San,” he said seriously before breaking into a smile. He extended his hand for a cheesy handshake.Your heart fluttered a bit at how charming he was.

 “I know, I order coffee from you every day,” you teased back. 

You chatted for a while, exchanging flirtatious quips with each other. The time seemed to fly by and you noticed him glancing at the clock nervously. 

“Shit, I gotta get back to work,” he sighed, lifting himself up from the table, his toned arms flexing beneath the rolled sleeves of his button up. “But hey, here’s my number,” he pulled a piece of paper out of his pocket smoothly and slid it across the table. “We should do something this weekend.”

You knew he was being flirtatious, but you didn’t expect him to actually make a move. You wouldn’t say you were unattractive, but this guy felt way out of your league.

You nodded a bit too enthusiastically, flashing a smile. “I’ll call you,” you said, holding the piece of paper up between your fingers. 

He winked, and nodded towards the bar. “You know where to find me.”

You found yourself at the cafe again the following night, as your workload never seemed to end. Last night, San had given you his number on his break, and you smiled as you got a text from him asking if you were free that weekend. You messaged back and forth for a bit, eventually settling on a plan to meet at a cat cafe on Saturday. 

San wasn’t working that night, but Wooyoung was, and you felt a little strange flirting with him after you’d already given San your number. But he probably didn’t know that, and it’s not like you were dating either of them, so why not? 

Wooyoung called your name when your coffee was ready, and you hopped out of your seat to grab it from the bar. To your surprise, there was no cup to be seen, and you looked up to see Wooyoung holding your drink in his hand with a mischievous smile. 

“Question,” he said. “Why did the coffee file a police report?” 

You looked at him in confusion, trying to come up with a response. 

“Because it was mugged!” he said, grinning at his joke. 

“Ha-ha,” you said sarcastically, but you couldn’t help the smile spreading across your face. “Are you holding my drink hostage?”

“Yes, would you like to hear the conditions?”

“Conditions?” you laughed, raising your eyebrows. 

“Mhm. One: I have another joke, and this time you have to laugh.” Wooyoung dangled the cup of coffee in his fingers, taunting you with it. 

“Ok, I’ll do my best. What’s the second condition?”

“Second condition: you have to text me,” he said, and he turned the cup to show you he’d written his number on one side, surrounded by hearts and winky faces. 

“Ok, deal,” you said, cheeks heating up as you saw the smile spread across his face. He was gorgeous, and undoubtedly charming, how could you say no?

“Alright, why did the hipster burn his tongue?” 

“Why?”

“He drank it before it was cool.” He pushed the cup across the bar to you, and you forced a laugh, taking it from his hand as he stuck his tongue out cheekily. 

You put his number in your phone, sending him a text with an equally cheesy joke you found off google. You heard him laugh when he read it, and you smiled as you continued to type out your essay. 

[Saturday, 4pm]

It was finally time for your first date, and you arrived at the cat cafe a few minutes early, eager in anticipation. You couldn’t help but think about how cute he was as you waited—you couldn’t believe he’d even asked you out in the first place. Let alone both of them. 

You heard him calling to you and you turned in the direction of his voice as he walked up to meet you by the entrance. “Hey, Y/N! I hope you haven’t been waiting too long.” You shook your head reassuringly. “Shall we go inside? Pretty ladies first,” he said, opening the door for you and flashing you a flirtatious smile. 

You two were seated at your table, and immediately the cats took interest in you, rubbing on your legs and mewing. You admired him as he pet them lovingly. There was nothing more attractive than a man who loved animals. 

He ordered coffee and you opted for tea, and you both split a blueberry scone. The waitress came over with a small basket full of cat toys and accessories to play with, and you grabbed a handful, including a cute little headband with cat ears, which you slid on your head. You started playing with the cat toys when you noticed San’s eyes trained to you—specifically to the cheap cat ears on your head. 

He tipped his head to the side in thought. “Wow, you look really nice in those ears.” 

“Huh, these?” you said, gesturing to the cat ears. “I didn’t know you were into that kind of thing,” you teased jokingly. You noticed his face go red suddenly, and you couldn’t help but blush back. He was looking at you like you were the only other person in existence. 

“You never know,” he joked back, letting out a soft laugh and raising his eyebrow. He was so damn charming.

You spent the rest of the time playing with the kitties at the cafe, and you couldn’t help but marvel at how cute he was. He was the poster child for duality—his good looks were intimidating, and every time you saw him standing there with a straight face, he looked kind of scary, the kind of man you wouldn’t ever have the courage to approach. That is, until he flashed his intoxicating, dimpled smile of his, which immediately put you at ease, his eyes forming into cute crescents as he laughed. 

“Do you have any pets?” He asked, making light conversation as he dangled a toy in front of one of the kittens. 

“Not right now, my apartment doesn’t allow them,” you said dejectedly. “But I really want a dog when I move out.”

“Hey, I have a dog! He’s a Shiba, he’s super sweet. Everyone who meets him falls in love instantly,” he smiled, twirling the cat toy between his fingers. “You could come meet him if you want?” 

You blushed, flustered a bit at the idea of going to his place. But you two were really hitting it off, and you definitely didn’t want the day to end. You nodded eagerly. “I’d really like that.”

He flashed you another big smile, and you were entranced. How could he be so charming?

When you got to his apartment, he immediately introduced you to his dog, Shiber. You laughed at the unexpectedly literal name choice. 

“Shiber the Shiba?” you teased, and he laughed with you about it. You couldn’t remember the last time you’d had a date go so well, and your cheeks hurt from the constant smiling. 

You ended up settling on the couch to watch a movie, but neither of you were paying attention. Your movie plans had devolved into you talking and laughing with the TV only acting as background noise for your conversation. At one point, your conversation reached its natural conclusion, and you had your eyes trained to his lips, signaling that you wanted him to make a move. He noticed immediately, and scooted himself as close as possible to you, pushing your hair behind your ear. “Can I kiss you?” he asked softly, like you hadn't just been begging him to with your eyes seconds before. You answered by pressing your lips to his softly, and he reciprocated fervently. You immediately tasted the faint lingering of coffee, and you smiled against his lips. What could be more fitting for a man you’d met at the coffee shop? 

As the kisses began to escalate in intensity, you swung your leg over his and planted yourself firmly in his lap. He pulled you in by the waist, his hands grasping at your shirt eagerly, and you pressed your hips down against his crotch. The sudden pressure caused his breath to hitch in his throat. 

“That feels so good,” he moaned against your lips. 

You took his words as motivation to grind yourself faster and harder against the hard mound growing underneath you, taking pleasure in the moans and grunts escaping him. He grasped hungrily at the fabric of your shirt, practically tearing it off of your body. You were taken aback by his sudden aggression, but welcomed his forwardness as he began kissing and sucking down your neck. 

You pulled back, slipping off of his lap, and planted your knees in the carpet. You began unzipping his pants, and he ran his fingers through your hair in anticipation. 

“Wait,” he said suddenly. You looked at him, brows furrowed in confusion. “I keep thinking about something… those cat ears from earlier looked so sexy on you.” 

“I told you you had a cat kink,” you said with a chuckle. 

“I can’t stop thinking about making you my pet. You’d just look so good in ears and a collar,” he said, eyes darkening as he marveled at the sight of you kneeling before him. The way he said it sent shivers down your spine. His voice was so much deeper now, dripping with lust.

“Well you do have a dog,” you joked lightly.

A lightbulb seemed to go off in his head, and he quickly got up and rustled around in the other room for something. When he came back you were still in the same position, and he knelt behind you, leaning in close. 

“Wanna be my pet?” he whispered in your ear, and you giggled, thinking he was still joking. 

“Sounds fun,” you responded.

You were met with the feeling of a vice being tightened around your neck. He was serious? “I’ve always wanted to try something like this,” he mused in your ear, clicking the collar together. “Turn around,” he demanded, and his sudden commanding tone had you melting at his feet. You liked when he was cute, but you might have liked this side of him even more. 

You wasted no time getting your lips around his cock. It was picturesque in every way, and you wanted to savor it. His hands tangled in your hair as he held back from thrusting himself into you, and you took him as deeply as you could into your mouth. You took his dick enthusiastically, pressing your tongue firmly against it as you hollowed your cheeks to suck. You hummed against him, and you felt his fingers tense in your hair as he bucked his hips up needily. You glanced up at him, hoping to catch a glimpse of his pleasured expression. The view from beneath him was incredible, and it gave you a chance to marvel at the curve of his jaw from below. “Fuck...” he moaned. You pulled back for a moment to take a breath, your saliva connecting at the tip of his cock, and he let out a pleased sigh at the lewd display. “Good girl,” he praised, patting the top of your head softly. It was cute and hot at the same time, and you didn’t know how that was even possible, but he pulled it off effortlessly.

You resisted the urge to joke around with him—you weren’t in a position to kink shame. 

As he patted your head, you noticed something glistening on the floor next to you. A leash?

“What, are you gonna leash me up now?” you asked playfully, glancing up at him from your submissive position. 

“Well, yeah. I am.” His lips drew up into a devilish smirk as he retrieved the leash from beside you and hooked it on the collar around your neck. You had never done anything like this before, and you couldn’t deny it was kinda hot. You let out a small whimper as he tugged at the chain, testing your reaction. He wrapped his hand around the end of the leash a few times before yanking it gently, drawing you up to your feet. Even though it started as a joke, he was really getting into it, and you couldn’t lie, you were too. 

His finger dragged along the edge of the collar. “God, you look so good in this thing. Come to bed with me.” You wanted to, not that you really had a choice in the matter as he led you by the chain to his bed. 

He shoved you down forcefully onto your stomach, but you bounced back gently against the soft mattress. He slipped off your panties, bringing a finger down between your legs to sample your wetness. 

“Looks like I’m not the only one with a cat kink here,” he teased, pushing one finger inside. It slipped in effortlessly, and you let out a whine at the stimulation. He teased in and out with his finger torturously, twisting it inside you, every so often pushing against your clit to watch you squirm. 

You couldn’t take it anymore. “San, Jesus Christ, just fuck me.”

That was all he needed to hear. He pushed in slowly at first before bottoming out inside of you. He tugged your collar as he pulsed his dick inside you, tugging at your collar, causing you to let out a soft choked moan against the pressure. He grabbed your hips hungrily, pulling your hips back against him impatiently. 

He started to pick up the pace, thrusting rhythmically, one hand holding the leash and the other fisted in your hair. You were entirely overwhelmed in the best way possible. “Harder,” you urged, and his thrusts followed your orders. Your eyes rolled back in your head at the sensation of him inside you, and of course, the high you got from the collar choking around your neck. He pulled out of you and released himself on your lower back with heavy labored breaths. Your body gave out beneath you, causing you to collapse on the bed, waiting for him to bring back a cool cloth to clean you up with. 

After you both had collected yourselves, you flopped into the soft sheets of San’s bed. He sunk into the sheets next to you, and you rolled over to swing a tired arm around his chest.

“Well that was… memorable,” you giggled, and he laughed with you, still riding a high from your orgasm. 

“So I made a good impression?” he joked. 

You melted into his touch as he traced his fingers down your back. You nuzzled your head into the warm crook of his neck, finally starting to feel a bit drowsy from your wild night. 

“Yeah, you made a great one.”

[Sunday, 9pm]

The buzzer went off in the laser tag arena, signaling the start of the game. Everyone scattered, artificial gun sounds filling the room as you ducked for cover. Glowing barrels leaking “toxic waste” littered the dark room, and you dove behind one, dodging enemy fire with a nimble slide. 

Wooyoung spotted you as you poked your head over the top of the barrel, and he pursued you with a grin, weapon poised to shoot. Lasers discharged from his gun, aiming for the target at the center of your chest, and you squealed and scrambled away.

He chased you, running a full circle around the barricade, and you turned on your heels, shooting him square in the chest. Wooyoung gasped in mock-offense, and you ran away as he raised his gun again. He had insisted on playing for the opposing team so he could whoop your ass, but so far you were winning. 

You chased each other around like that for a while, giggling and shooting lasers at each other, ignoring the other players in favor of your own flirty warfare. He landed a particularly well-placed shot at your gun, and it made a sad little noise and died, lights flickering as it disabled. 

Wooyoung smirked, backing you into a corner, cut off from all the other players by an artificially dilapidated wall. 

“You’re weaponless,” he laughed, nodding his head toward your defunct toy gun. He pressed closer, causing your back to hit the wall, and he brought a hand up to it to cage you there. 

“Please, spare me!” you giggled, your faces just inches apart. Your heart began to beat faster as he leaned in, sliding his arm around your waist, pulling your body against his. 

“Not this time,” he said, and pressed your lips together. You dropped your gun, letting it fall to the carpet as you wrapped your hands around his shoulders, reciprocating the kiss. 

Wooyoung pressed you firmly against the wall, his tongue sliding against yours with a soft sigh. You got way too into it, completely forgetting where you were as the kiss grew more and more heated. His hands came down to squeeze your ass, pulling you even closer against his body, and you were about ready to fuck him right then and there before the buzzer went off once more, snapping you back to reality. 

You both pulled back, startled, then burst into laughter. As you caught your breath, you couldn’t help but stare. He had a beautiful smile, and a contagious laugh that had you doubled over for a second time. 

“We should probably go before they kick us out,” you said breathlessly, picking your gun up from the floor. 

“It was just getting good, too,” he pouted, pulling you in for another quick kiss before leading the way back to the gear room. 

You hung up your vests and put yours guns back, and you were grabbing your purse from the locker when you felt Wooyoung come up behind you. He slid his hands over your waist and leaned in close to your ear, his warm breath tickling your neck. You quickly looked around to see if anyone was around, but you were the last two there, since it had taken you the longest to return. 

“What’s my prize for winning?” he asked, his lips just barely brushing against your neck. 

“Oh, there was a prize?” you teased, and turned around to face him. He had mischief all over his face, and you kinda just wanted to pull him in and pick up where you left off in the arena. 

As if thinking the same thing, he leaned in, pressing your back against the lockers as he sealed your lips together.  The kiss was even more heated than before, and you let your hands wander over his shirt, across the plane of his chest, moving downward to give him a teasing squeeze to the front of his jeans. He groaned against your lips, pulling back just enough to give you a sly smile. 

“Just can’t wait, huh?”

“So what if I can’t?” you said against his lips, and he pressed you harder against the lockers. 

“Dirty, I like it. You want my dick that bad?” 

“Mm, maybe,” you laughed, and he captured your lips again, sliding his hands down to your hips. 

“Why does home have to be so far away,” he whined playfully. 

“I mean… they have a bathroom.” You were joking, but then again, were you?

“A bathroom?” he raised his eyebrows, surprised and also quite impressed at your suggestion. “What goes on in that little head of yours?”

“I guess you’ll see,” you said, grabbing his wrist, sliding out from underneath him to lead him into the single occupant bathroom down the hall. It was pretty late, and most of the employees were up front, so you were able to slip into the bathroom together without being seen. You flipped the lock, pushing Wooyoung against the heavy door as it slammed shut. 

You kissed him hard, palming the bulge forming in his jeans, reveling in the way he moaned against your lips. You were on a roll—two hot baristas in one weekend? You felt a little guilty agreeing to both dates at first, but who could blame you? 

The heart wanted what the heart wanted. Well, maybe not your heart so much...

You sank to your knees, maintaining eye contact as you worked his belt open and pulled down the zipper on his jeans, and he helped you slide his boxers down enough to let his dick spring free. 

You wrapped your hand around his length, jerking it a few times until he bit his lip and tipped his head back against the door. You were in the mood to tease him, for some reason, and it was working. You planted a tiny kiss to the head of his cock, and you heard him sigh above you. 

“Stop torturing me.” 

You giggled, giving the tip of his dick another small peck. Slowly, you wrapped your lips around it, giving the slit a little flick with your tongue, and he groaned in the back of his throat. You took more of it, letting it sink deeper into your mouth, curling your hand around what you couldn’t fit. 

You sucked hard, cheeks hollowing out as you bobbed your head, forming a steady rhythm as you began jerking him off as well. A particularly well-executed twisting motion had him cursing aloud, and you pulled back, a thin string of saliva connected to your lip. 

“Shh, quiet!” you stage-whispered up at him, grinning at the ridiculousness of the situation. 

“C’mere,” Woouoing said as he pulled you up, giving you a quick kiss before spinning you around. “Hands on the counter.” 

“But it’s wet,” you whined, grabbing a few paper towels from the dispenser to mop up the water. 

“Don’t be such a baby,” Wooyoung teased, flipping your skirt up to give you a sudden smack on the ass. You yelped, partially because of the smack, partially because your elbows were resting in a puddle of cold water. 

You watched him in the mirror as he massaged your ass, momentarily in his own world as he admired it. You wiggled your hips to pull him back to reality. 

He slid a hand between your legs, rubbing over the crotch of your panties, watching your face in the mirror as he added more pressure and started teasing circles over your clit with his fingers. You whined, breathy and needy, and you watched his face light up into a smirk in the mirror.

He slid your panties down, the thin fabric falling around your ankles. He pulled his wallet out of his jeans, retrieving a condom from between the bills. He ripped it open with his teeth, spitting the torn plastic onto the floor as he rolled the condom onto his cock. 

Wooyoung lined his cock up with your pussy, dragging it along your wet folds, and it slid in easily. You bit your lip as he slipped it in, pushing in slowly with a groan. He started off slow at first, then quickly picked up the pace, falling into a fast rhythm as he fucked you. 

You didn’t even care that the counter was wet anymore. You clawed at it with your fingernails, scratching against the sink as he fucked you harder, and it was becoming difficult to silence the cries that spilled from your mouth. 

“Fuck, harder,” you whined, and he obliged. The wet sound of his cock fucking into you echoed in the small, single-person bathroom, and you wondered if people could hear from outside. Not that you really cared at that moment. 

You were in heaven, not in a grimy public bathroom. At least, that’s what it felt like. His thrusts grew faster, and he slid a hand around your front to stroke his fingers over your clit. You had to slap a hand over your mouth to keep from crying out, and your other hand slipped forward and accidentally set off the automatic soap dispenser, depositing foam all over the back of your hand. 

“Fuck, shit,” you said, and you both started cracking up as you shook your hand, splattering foamy soap all over the mirror. 

Tears welled up in your eyes from laughing so hard, but it wasn’t long before your laughter turned to moans again as fucked you faster, giving a few broken thrusts as he finished, groaning as he buried his cock to the hilt. 

Wooyoung let his sweaty forehead fall against your back, panting out laughter as you wiped your soapy hand against his arm. 

“Someone definitely heard us,” he said, and you hummed in agreement. 

He pulled out, snapping the condom off and tying it up before slingshotting it into the trash can with impressive accuracy. You were busy using toilet paper to wipe down your crotch when a sudden knock on the door made you both freeze. 

Wooyoung mouthed oh shit! as you clamped a hand around your mouth to muffle your laughter. 

“Just a minute!” he called at the door, and you both cleaned up as fast as you could, bursting into a new round of laughter every time you made eye contact. 

Good thing you’d chosen to go with the adults only time slot for your laser tag date. 

In the days following your two dates, you still attended the coffee shop as regularly as you had before. You couldn’t seem to focus anywhere else. Things were relatively normal, but any time Wooyoung and San happened to be working together on the same day, you didn’t know how to speak to one without exposing yourself to the other, so you opted for no flirting at all, pretending instead to be too preoccupied with your studies. It was probably suspicious, how cold you acted to them when they were working together, but you didn’t want to seem like you were flirting with one and not the other.

It was Friday, and you were engaged in a particularly intense study session, and in your focused state, the time seemed to slip away without warning. You glanced up to realize the sun had set completely, meaning it’d soon be time for the cafe to close. It was just you, Wooyoung and San left in the cafe now, who were the only ones working the evening closing shift that night. You gathered up your things quickly, trying to leave without making much of a scene. You still felt awkward around the both of them when they were together, not knowing how to approach the delicate situation. 

As you were walking out the door, an arm came down and blocked your exit. 

“Don’t leave just yet.” It was San’s voice, and you turned to see him looking at you with a strange expression. You were the last one left in the store, so he was obviously addressing you. He kept his arm out to block your path. You looked at him in confusion. 

“So I was talking with Wooyoung, and both of us happened to hook up with a cute regular over the weekend. Turns out, it was the same one.”  

You shifted uncomfortably under his intense gaze, not knowing what to make of the awkward situation. Was he mad? You peeked up at him to gauge his expression, but to your surprise, he was smiling. “Oh, uh…” was all you could say. 

You glanced over your shoulder, and Wooyoung had sat down at one of the tables in the middle of the cafe, leaning nonchalantly back into his seat. 

“Come on, let’s have a chat,” San said, and for some reason his tone sent shivers down your spine. You swallowed, San’s hands on your shoulders spinning you around and guiding you to the table where Wooyoung was sitting. Neither of them seemed particularly upset, which made you even more confused on why they were confronting you about it in the first place. 

You sat down at one side of the table, and San joined, both of them facing you. You set your bag on the floor and placed your hands in your lap, feeling like you were in trouble. 

“Alright, spill. Who was better?” Wooyoung said bluntly. 

“Who was—huh?” you said, gaping at the unexpected question. 

Wooyoung threw San a glance, like there was an inside joke you were missing. “C’mon, we just wanna know. We have a bet going, so who was better?” 

“No way, I’m not answering that!” you laughed indignantly. San made a pouty face at you. 

“I think it was me,” Wooyoung said, crossing his arms. “I kicked your ass at laser tag and you loved it.”

“Hell no! Cat cafe totally wins,” San whined. 

“C’mon, you wish you’d thought of laser tag. Just admit it.” 

“Ok, fine, laser tag is pretty cool,” San sighed. “But you don’t have a cute dog like I do.” 

“I don’t need a cute dog, I’m already cute enough as it is,” Wooyoung said, making a cutesy gesture with his hands around his face at you. You and San both rolled your eyes. 

“Whatever you wanna tell yourself,” San said dryly, and Wooyoung gave him a playful shove. “Ok, laser tag or cat cafe?” he asked you seriously. 

“I can’t pick,” you said, which was the truth. They were both fun, how could you possibly pick the superior date?

“Making out in a laser tag arena or… cat hair up your nose. Tough choice.” Wooyoung pretended to seriously mull over the question. 

“Uh, how ‘bout… sexy kittycat with a leash, or disgusting public bathroom?” San shot back at him. 

“I’m not saying public bathrooms aren’t gross, but that’s why it’s hot,” Wooyoung shrugged, confident with his answer. 

You covered your face with your hands, mortified to be having this conversation. “Do we have to be having this discussion?” you groaned. 

“Yes!” they said in unison, like cartoon characters. 

“Which of us was the better lay?” Wooyoung demanded.

“Not telling!” you hmph’d, crossing your arms petulantly. 

“I put a dog collar on you, so obviously me,” San said, hitting the table like a lawyer who’d just won his case. 

“You did help San discover his furry kink—,” 

“I’ll kill you.”

“—But my dick is bigger.”

“No it isn’t!” 

They both looked at you expectantly, as if waiting for you to settle it. You made a gesture indicating that your lips were sealed. You wondered how long they planned on arguing for. 

“I think there’s only one way to settle this,” Wooyoung said matter-of-factly. 

What, were they about to whip their dicks out and measure them? 

“You fuck both of us.” Didn’t you do that already? “...Right now.” Oh. 

“Deal,” you said a little too quickly. You couldn’t choose anyway, so wasn’t it the perfect solution?

“Wow, fast answer,” San commented, and you blushed a little at his call-out. “Don’t forget, the bet is still on,” he called over his shoulder as he got up to lock the door and draw the blinds over the windows. 

“And I’m so winning it,” Wooyoung said as he scooped you up from your chair, carrying you honeymoon-style to the bar and depositing you onto the counter. San flipped a few of the lights off as he came back, keeping just enough of them on so that it wasn't completely dark. 

Wooyoung disappeared for a second, ducking down to retrieve something from the fridge underneath the counter. He popped back up with a canister of whipped cream, then threw his shirt over his head, tossing it behind him. He sprayed a line of whipped cream along his neck, tipping his chin up to give you the most access. He leaned in, caging you against the counter with his arms. He quirked an eyebrow, waiting for your move. 

You kissed along his neck, scooping up the whipped cream with your tongue and tasting the sugar on his skin. You licked it clean, and glanced up at San, who rolled his eyes and grabbed the can from Wooyoung’s hand. Not to be bested, he sprayed some directly into his mouth, maintaining eye contact with you as he did so. 

He leaned on the counter next to you, and you hooked a finger in the collar of his shirt and pulled him in, leaning over Wooyoung’s shoulder to kiss him. You slid your tongue into his mouth, lapping up the whipped cream as he smirked against your lips. 

Wooyoung scoffed as he kissed along your neck, pulling back to utter a brief but sarcastic “wooow.” His hands came up to feel underneath your shirt, pushing it up to your shoulders, ducking his head to pull your bra down with his teeth. He brought his mouth to your nipple, licking and sucking on it, and you moaned against San’s lips. His thumb traced circles along your skin, and you wanted more. 

San moved a hand between your legs, giving your thigh a quick squeeze before dipping under your skirt and brushing his fingers over the crotch of your panties. He used just enough pressure to have you squirming, determined to be the one to make you moan. You felt like the luckiest girl alive, having these two hot baristas competing over you. 

San slid your panties off, dropping them to the floor. He teased his thumb over your clit, and you arched your back, threading your fingers into Wooyoung’s hair. He gave a soft moan against your breast, then raised his head, stealing you from San as he locked you in a heated kiss. 

You felt the press of San’s fingers as he slipped them inside you, dragging them in and out as you moaned into Wooyoung’s mouth. You raised your arms so Wooyoung could take your shirt off, and he worked on your bra next. San’s fingers moved faster as Wooyoung brushed your nipples with his thumbs, and you had no idea who was winning at this point. 

You tipped your head back, moaning loudly as San fucked you with his fingers, and Wooyoung sucked along the curve of your neck, teeth scraping along the sensitive skin. Suddenly, Wooyoung brought a hand up to your face, brushing his fingers along your lips, and you opened them, letting him dip two fingers into your mouth. You sucked, letting your tongue drag between them, and both of them watched you hungrily, eyes full of desire. 

“Alright, how ‘bout this?” Wooyoung said, pulling back. You looked at him in confusion, and San slipped his fingers out to see what he was about to do. Wooyoung worked his belt open, sliding his pants down enough to free his dick. It sprang free, and he grabbed the canister again, spraying whipped cream in a line along his cock. 

“Gross,” San muttered to himself as you hopped off the counter, getting on your knees in front of Wooyoung. 

You gave the tip of his dick a tiny lick, laughing as a little puff of whipped cream stuck to your nose. He wiped it off with his finger, then licked it off with a smirk. You dragged your tongue along his cock, kissing and sucking off the whipped cream as you worked your way down the shaft. He gave a satisfied moan, petting your hair as you licked it clean. 

"Let's take this to the couch," Wooyoung said, and San agreed with a nod. 

San guided you to a small carpeted area with a couch and a few chairs, draping you over the arm of the couch as he slid beneath you, grabbing your hips and lining you up with his mouth. He took a few tentative licks. “Mm, you taste so good,” he moaned against you. 

Wooyoung moved in front of you, and you took him in your mouth eagerly, twisting the base of his dick with your hands as you sucked. He let out a few pleasured groans, signaling that he wanted more. 

Pleasure swelled inside of you as San began circling your clit with his tongue. You moaned around Wooyoung’s cock, sending vibrations up the shaft that had him biting his lip. You let your tongue circle the head of his cock, distracted by San as he upped the intensity. 

Soon enough you were grinding against his face, leaning your head against Wooyoung’s hip as you jerked him off, moaning as San slid his fingers into you once again. 

You brought the tip of Wooyoung’s cock back into your mouth, bobbing your head over his length. You pulled off as you felt your climax growing, Wooyoung’s hand stroking your hair as you rode San’s face. San sucked hard on your clit as he fucked you with his fingers, and you cried out as you came, bucking your hips against his face involuntarily. 

San kissed all the way down your inner thigh as he slid out from under you, a subtle smirk on his face that indicated he thought he was winning so far. You caught your breath, moving to the center of the couch to make room for the guys. San swiveled to face you, his cock in front of your face as Wooyoung’s hands found their way to your ass. 

You repositioned yourself to all fours, waiting expectantly to feel Wooyoung’s cock push into you. In front of you, San tipped your chin up to meet his gaze, his lips pulling into a sinister smirk. He pushed his thumb against your lip, dragging it down slightly, then hooked two fingers in your mouth, pulling it open to accept his eager cock. 

As if they had conspired, Wooyoung slid the tip of his dick inside of you at the same time that San pushed his against your lips. Your head rushed with bliss at the sudden overwhelming sensation of being taken from both ends. You moaned deeply, sending vibrations against San’s dick as Wooyoung pushed fully into you.

“Look at me,” San cooed, resting one hand under your chin, the other wrapped tightly in your hair. You lifted your gaze up, maintaining eye contact with him as he gently rocked against the roof of your mouth. “Good girl.” You heard Wooyoung scoff as San sang your praises. They fought for your attention as San maintained eye contact, but Wooyoung’s thrusts behind you had you seeing stars. Wooyoung’s hands clamped your ass, digging his nails in as he squeezed, delivering a harsh slap to your ass. They seemed to be enjoying themselves as much as you were—you could tell from their moans harmonizing beautifully as they shared you, and your mind short-circuited trying to focus just on one or the other. 

“That’s a good girl… just like that, princess,” San purred, holding your chin as you sucked and licked at his dick enthusiastically.

“Can you shut up,” Wooyoung groaned, making a fake gagging noise. “I don’t wanna hear your voice right now.”

San smirked in amusement as he continued sliding in and out of your mouth. You wondered how much fun he must be having making Wooyoung gag like that. 

You pressed your tongue firmly on San’s shaft as you sucked, and he bit his lip, holding back stifled moans. Behind you, Wooyoung’s thrusts grew more aggressive as he sunk his nails into your ass. “Fuck,” Wooyoung grunted, giving one final thrust before pulling out hastily, cursing as he finished. Warm liquid dripped slowly down the curve of your back as you turned your attention back to San, who was nearing his tipping point. You focused all your efforts on his dick, sucking mercilessly until he couldn’t take it anymore. He pulled out, painting your face with hot streaks of cum. You stuck your tongue out to catch some, and the rest dribbled down your cheeks and chin. He smiled, petting your hair softly. 

“What a good kitty, lapping up my milk,” he said, making direct eye-contact with Wooyoung, who immediately gagged. 

“Are you trying to make me sick right now? If I hadn’t cum already my boner would be dead.” San laughed, cherishing Wooyoung’s disgust. “Just having a little fun. I know how to show my girl a good time.”

“My girl,” Wooyoung corrected.

You took pleasure in listening to them fight over you. You knew they were going to ask you who was better, but you really couldn’t decide in this moment. You honestly kind of wanted both. But right now you were more worried about the sticky liquid threatening to drip on the cafe’s couch.

“Guys, stop. Can someone get me a towel or something?” you asked. Hearing your voice, they both stopped bickering and trained their eyes on you, eyes growing wide as they realized you were still draped over the arm of the couch, cum dripping slowly down your sides. 

“Shit! Sorry,” Wooyoung said as he scrambled to locate the nearest towel. Wooyoung got you cleaned up, and you all searched for your haphazardly discarded clothing scattered around the cafe.

“Pretty sure that violated like, every food safety rule,” San joked as he buttoned his shirt back up. 

“Yikes, you’re right. Maybe we should throw that whipped cream away,” Wooyoung said, pretending to cringe. You laughed, shuddering at the idea of them using it for people’s drinks after such… unprofessional activities.  Wooyoung came and stood next to you, crossing his arms. “So, who won?”

[marswr1tes]

with love, y/n

requested? yes / no

request: n/a

pairing: poly!lercy(leo x percy) x reader

author's notes: poly!lercy lives in my head rent free, so i just had to write for them. i mention a gift box in this fic and this is sorta what i mean by that. also! for the art: i found it here and the original artist is here

warnings: mentions of gay showering

tags: @goldenhxzza

word count: 950

═════════════════════════════════════════════

an international quarantine had just been put in place, leaving you stuck in california and your boyfriends stuck in new york. not the ideal situation, but you were all safe and that’s what mattered. however, with you by yourself, there was nothing to do. and by nothing i mean you could either watch movies all day, scroll through social media, etc, but those things got boring really quickly. until one random tuesday, when you were scrolling on pinterest. there was a picture of a gift box made for someone’s s/o filling up your screen and suddenly there was nothing else on your mind. you just had to make one for your boys. so, you hopped up from your bed, found two random shoe boxes, and got to work. you started on leo’s first, adding a note, a hoodie of yours(oversized, of course), some candy you had, a container of your body wash(he was literally obsessed with the way you smelled and often stole yours when you were together, so why not give him some), and a bracelet. then you got to work on percy’s, throwing in another hoodie, some more candy, a note, a fake rose you had(he was a sucker for flowers, but you didn’t want to give him a dead one), and a small stuffed animal you had. you could’ve just put theirs together, because you knew they would just share everything, but the idea of two boxes was cuter, so you went with that.

as you were admiring your work, a couple polaroids of you caught your eye and you decided to put those in as well. when you finally finished, you sealed the gifts, wrote all yours and the boys information(and wrote their first initial on the box to avoid confusion) and the took them to the post office to be mailed.

about a week later, percy and leo were outside on a walk together, trying to prevent leo from setting the house on fire for the millionth time. they were almost home when they saw the mail truck drive towards their mailbox, set two packages down, and then drive away. usually they didn't get mail, so this was quite a (happy) surprise for the two. they took one look at each other and raced towards the mail box.

when they were back the house, percy raced towards the kitchen table, with leo following suit. reading the address, they quickly realized it was from you. and then taking a closer look, they realized they didn't have the correct one, so they switched, and then tore open the boxes. grins stayed plastered on their faces as they went through the items, sometimes geeking out on a specific item together.

"leo look! y/n gave me a rose!"

"dios mio, i am so in love with them."

"*screech* BABE LOOK!"

"*gasp*IS THAT THEIR BODY WASH??"

"YES"

*loud screams*

"SWEET MOTHER OF POSEIDON THEY GAVE US CANDY"

"aww percy, look how beautiful they look!"

then they got to the notes. leo tore his open and began reading aloud.

'dear leo,' leo looked up at percy and smiled before whispering excitedly"that's me!"

"read the note you idiot!"

"okay, okay!"

'first things first, please behave. and please, for the love of y/g/p do not set the house on fire. second, i miss you a lot. probably too much. but hey, you're a loveable person, you can't blame me.' they laughed at that.

'it's weird to not hug you or have you touching me at all throughout the day. it's significantly colder around here too. i've even had to break out the extra blankets. weird, i know. i miss my human furnace :(

“wow, we haven’t had to break out the extra blankets in a long time” percy gasped.

hey kept reading, and by the last few words, leo’s heart was fluttering, and both boys had fallen even more in love.

‘it's been really really hard to not wake up and see your pretty face. or just

see your pretty face at all, regardless if it’s when i wake up or not. seeing you through the screen is not good enough. i love you, leo. (have i told you i love you enough?) make sure you and percy are careful, okay? and have a good day, too. with love, y/n <3’

percy and leo sat there for a good 5 minutes, before percy scrambled to get his note and began reading his.

‘dear aquaman(i’m sorry, i couldn’t pass up the chance), i miss you and leo a lot. you mean so much to me, you have no idea. even if i don’t show it, i appreciate every single thing you do. even if it annoys me sometimes. also i really appreciate it when you save me from dying, so thank you so much for that.’

and as he got to the end, both boys were about to have an aneurysm.

‘please save me. i’m literally begging you. i miss you, i miss your cuddles, i miss your hugs, i miss your everything. i love you so much, bub. take care of yourself. (and leo, gods know he needs it) with love, y/n. p.s. i said this to leo too, but please behave. i’m literally begging you. okay, bye, love you x’

their grins stayed on, their hearts were screaming, and they could not believe they could call you their own. so they basked in your love for as long as they could manage.

and then y/n’s body wash came into percy’s view.

“wanna take a shower and use y/n’s body wash?”

“of course i do! vamonos, mi amor!”

[darealsaltysam]

what your paladins main says about you

a comprehensive essay by a paladins player of right around 4 years

this is like really long so i’ll make it under the cut so my followers don’t have to scroll through this if they don’t wanna

(for context i’m a current maeve main, i used to main skye and sha lin and played tyra a long while ago)

.

Androxus

it’s not a phase, mum

“i don’t care we don’t have healer, i’m really good at him i swear”

you ult every time it loads in and you die before the final shot

your favorite mode is siege because you can fly up and shoot the whole point on ult

you’re usually really stand-offish and don’t communicate much and/or a 13 year old boy with anger issues

.

Ash

you are level-headed but in a scary way

you will hold the point solo even if it costs you your streak

“get on the point” “guys get on the point” “attack the objective”

you’ll ult to save yourself 99% of the time

good leader

.

Atlas

you probably used to main lex or androxus before he came out

“he’s like a flank, but a tank, he’s great!”

you chase after solo kills instead of sticking to the point

healers hate you, flanks and damages fear you

your favorite mode is death match

.

Barik

you’re a former/current tf2 player looking for something fresh

you don’t like working too hard so you spam turrets on the point and hope for the best

“healer stick to me i’m boutta ult”

actually really nice between rounds

but you don’t communicate much mid-game and kind of do your thing

.

Bomb King

you’re a really old player. you have the beta makoa skin and you were there when lex was first released. veteran’s discount.

your favorite maps are the old ones and they barely show up any more

the team always underestimates you

“who plays bomb king in 2021 lol?”

you need a hug

.

Buck

“wait, he’s a flank? i thought he was a tank??”

you’re also a veteran in the game

you’re a dying breed. i like never see you. do you even exist?

you’ve been here since like the first day of the game

buck gets so many skins and you want all of them but the best you have is a random recolor

.

Cassie

sweetest person alive

“we can do it guys! let’s try to all rush the point this time!”

you are the bane of every flank

the opposing team hates you, your own team kind of doesn’t notice you’re there

*casually gets a pentakill*

.

Corvus

you know those weirdly political kids who like ww2 and know the details of every tank to ever exist? yeah that’s you

but like that’s corvus. as a character.

but no one ever plays him.

like i never even see him do you exist???

you are a cryptid.

.

Dredge

yo ho you’re a hoe

no seriously the other team views you and they FEAR you

“yeah i just got a penta kill” “YOU WHAT?” “eyes on the point mate don’t get distracted”

hella good at the game and hella casual about it

you like onslaught on the one sea map the most

.

Drogoz

another veteran, are we?

you’re either useless or can wipe out a whole team in seconds. there is no in-between.

you always have a really cool skin.

dovahkiin, dovahkiin...

“i don’t care about the point i gotta get them trips”

.

Evie

you bought her because you thought she was cute, admit it

*turns into ice right before dying* *turns into ice right before dying* *turns into ice right be

your personality type is identical to her. no question about that.

always buys faster reload and better speed

strangely good communication with the team

.

Fernando

gay gay homosexual gay

“he’s kinda hot if you look at him the right way”

fernando is the tank for gay people

you are gay people

i don’t have much more to say

.

Furia

mum energy. not as much as inara mains, but still, mum energy.

will protect every member of the team with your life, even the flanks

you’ve been maining her since she was first added

i bet you didn’t even know she’s canonically seris’ sister

“we’ve literally failed to capture the point the last 3 times we might as well give up and go to another game”

.

Grohk

“yeah i have a gremlincore tumblr blog, how could you tell?”

i honestly have no words

you’re kind of like a catboy but a racoon

do you even heal the team or do you just pretend

you were there when lex got announced and thought he was cringe, now everyone finally agrees with you

.

Grover

he was your first purchased character and he’s stuck around ever since

he’s the only healer you can play well

“i am groot lmao”

you would never say a word to your team

would give your life for the tank but that’s about it

.

Imani

daenerys targaryen on drugs

your favorite anime is my hero academia

your husbando is todoroki

you see where i am going with this

“team protect me i’m gonna ult” *dies 5 seconds into ult*

.

Inara

BIG MUM ENERGY

your team is your family. you will protect them with your life.

can only hold your own with a good healer so you have good teamwork going for you

*cutely places wall in front of your ult*

useless in tdm so you stick to onslaught, siege and koth

.

Io

are you a furry, furry, or a furry?

“victow! dont ult on my tweam pwease! uwu!”

you 100% find her attractive in some way shape or form

you are either a 30 year old redditor who enjoys loli content or a 16 year old teen who is playing a shooter for the first time

she’s kind of cute, i guess

.

Jenos

i can never tell if i’m going to absolutely destroy you or if you’re gonna kick my ass

*cutely holds you up so the whole team can shoot you to death*

kamehameha

you’re a healer??? i guess???

your character has such deep lore and i bet you don’t even know half of it

.

Khan

one day you were playing and your team desperately needed a tank. you picked the first one you saw. suddenly, you’re lian’s foot stool

despite 2 layers of heavy armor, you’d still let this man walk all over you

“this skin is really cool, wish it wasn’t behind a pay wall...”

YEET

you actually know the game’s lore, for some reason

.

Kinessa

i never trust people who are good at a sniper. if you’re bad that’s natural and you’re 99% of the population. if you’re good you are definitely up to something

you’d sell your sister for 5 pennies if you could

you’re missing from the team all game and somehow have the most kills

“we have a kinessa???”

you are an urban legend to your team

.

Koga

someone’s been watching naruto

you are so shit at the game. like i’m sorry. no one’s good at koga i’m so sorry

how do you have so many skins for one character???

you’re always missing from the point

healers hate you. so does the enemy kinessa.

.

Lex

quit the game /nm

“who mains lex in 2021??? lmao???”

wall hacks, aimbot, and it’s all legal for you as an ability. you are a hacker in a world of puny vanillas. you like it easy so you go for the easy min max character. have fun getting hated

you think he’s hot and press on his loading abilities just so he can scold you and you can hear him being mad at you

*bonk* go to horny jail

.

Lian

"she could step on me”

you used to main some sort of healer but switched over when you got sick of everyone being needy

you can hold a point all on your own for a really really long time but the moment your team gets there you start flunking

you wish you had more skins for her

you don’t

.

Maeve

so imagine this. it was like 2018 and you were just chilling playing the game. you kept getting killed by maeve. in every game. she was in every game you went to and she kept killing you over and over and over again. you got frustrated, snapped, and bought her to see if you could do the same to others. you are now the maeve in every game. the cycle repeats.

your whole team doubts you but then you casually get a quad kill and they just sort of look away

you die a total of two times each round and 99% of the time it’s because you go too fast and fall off the map

you repeat everything she says in her accent because you think it’s cute

“welcome to ze meant streets, kitten!” “can you shut the fuck up” “i hate to cut and run, he-he!”

.

Makoa

you have the plushie skin or the beta skin, otherwise you don’t main and only play casually stop lying to yourself

“attack turtle go brrr”

you’re really good if you get paired with a good healer

otherwise you’re useless

you wish you could get better teammates because you could really thrive with an organized group. but on paladins you won’t get that, i’m sorry-

.

Mal’Damba

i always forget this guy is even in the game

you’re definitely under 6 foot IRL

you have an older sibling you always fight with

you’d love to have a snake irl

you’re really chill outside of the game, but when playing you hella rage

.

Moji

you are so precious

but also such a little shit

you annoy me but i also want to give you a hug

“let’s go guys!! to the point!! wheee!!”

please never change but also get out of my sight

.

Octavia

you always main the new character until the new person drops

somehow always have enough credits to buy the new champion whenever they come out

you don’t like having a stable main cuz you get bored

you like hanging out at the training rage

hate siege and love team death match, you like your games quick

.

Pip

you are the worst and best thing to ever happen to this game

you only pick him to heal yourself and hardly ever heal your team

no one notices you there until you ult

then you get focused

honestly you just seem like you wanna do your thing and i can respect that

.

Raum

you probably go to therapy or desperately need it

“BIG MAN BIG. HE IS BIG. BRRRR”

you always love the demons in media

you like being in charge of the team and wreck the point any time you are there, you like fighting on your own but having a healer nearby is nice too

you probably have daddy issues

.

Ruckus

you think ruckus’ and bolt’s dynamic is cool and that’s one of the main reasons you started playing him

he’s the only tank you can play

you used to main either inara or ying at some point but chose violence instead

really short irl. you physically relate to ruckus and spiritually to bolt.

“funny goblin man :)”

.

Seris

certified girlboss

you can hold an objective all on your own or heal your whole team no problem. either way you are SLAYING

“alright. who’s ass am i kicking today?”

mum energy is inferior to inara but still kind of there

i’m like 50% sure you have a foot fetish

.

Sha Lin

*pointing and chanting* incel, incel, ince-

whether that’s about you or the character you can decide

you like minecraft bedwars on the side

“if i don’t get this headshot i am literally going to spontaneously combust”

really useful when there’s no other long distance people - otherwise a nuisance

.

Skye

AWOOGA *jaw drops to ground, eyes roll out of head* BOOBA BOOBA BOOBA

you bought her for the tiddies, didn’t you?

she’s actually really satisfying to play once you get the hang of her, but can be real tough on rough days

you need a break i think - maybe play some other game for a bit?

*casually gets team kill with ult*

.

Strix

you own at least one pretty knife

you played him when he was unlocked on rotation, fell in love, and spent a whole evening collecting credits to buy him fully

“haha bird man”

i’ve said what i said about snipers. if you’re actually good at him you are hiding a body somewhere. i fear you.

why does everyone ship him with viktor????

.

Talus

little furry child

he reminds me of tommyinnit because he is small and annoying

if you play him you are tall and intimidating 

i’m friends with a tall scary talus main

i can’t say bad things please spare me

.

Terminus

you always ult at the worst time and just get killed again 5 seconds after

“hey losers watch this” *goes on the point, dies, revives, kills one person and dies again*

you’re only a good tank if you cooperate

you don’t

on your own you’re a pretty good player

.

Tiberius

*sigh*

you think the cat is hot, don’t you?

“his accent is kinda cute tho hehe”

you saw that one ending scene in zootopia with the dancing tigers and it CHANGED you

you are probably a furry. if not your awakening is coming. be ready.

.

Torvald

you’ve been playing this game for too long

you’ve seen skins rise and fall. you’ve seen nerfs and buffs. you’ve seen reworks and remakes. you are ancient. older than the dragons and wiser than makoa. respect.

people see you on the opposing team and get really annoyed

“the point is really crowded, we can’t move in” “don’t worry guys, my ult is charged up”

you’re really good at all the characters but you like this guy a lot because you think he’s funky fresh

.

Tyra

you’re either new to the game or have been playing for too long

either way you can KICK ASS but you need to keep behind your team to do the most damage

flanks are the bane of you, especially the fast jumpy ones

you really want one of the cooler skins but you can only ever get the basic ones. such is the curse of maining one of the OG characters.

“bite me”

.

Viktor

you are level 100+ guaranteed, and everyone fears you

“oh shit they got a victor. flank focus him”

you probably play COD and CS:GO normally and wanted to go with something familiar and easy. your skill from the other more advanced games DWARFS everyone else

but why are you playing “guy with gun 132″ in a game with magical elves and fairies. like come on bro.

you don’t have any in-game friends because paladins is your guilty pleasure game you would never admit to

.

Vivian

“step on me” syndrome cranked up to 100%

this woman could spit on you and you’d still respect her more than your own mother. good for you

“i’m not a simp. i’m just tier 3 subbed to pokimane ironically”

you sweat the game hardcore. former victor main or he’s your secondary.

you’ve got her on level 50+ at least

.

Vora

like the maeve mains but somehow worse

bought her out of spite or played her while she was on rotation, now here you are grinding credits for her a day after she became unavailable

honestly you’re really good at the game i have nothing else to say

you enjoy the newer characters more than the OGs - you’re either a former vivian or lian main

you miss the play of the game feature in the game because you’d get all of them with this girl

.

Willo

you seem like the moji mains at first but show your true colors soon after

“fuck you” x50

you are a trash talker on max overdrive. you need to sit down, do some breathing exercises and have a drink.

you hate your own team more than the opposing guys

when you see a willow on the opposing team you make it your sole goal to eliminate her as many times as humanely possible

.

Yagorath

i bet you didn’t know she was canonically female until you read this

you don’t like sweating too much so you pick the tank that leaves you heavily relying on your healers and damages

you can hold a point really well so you like siege and onslaught

“are vora and yagorath connected in the lore somehow and do i really care?”

you have a friend who you always party up with to be your healer, otherwise you might switch to another character

.

Ying

“tanks love me, flanks hate me”

you are too powerful. literally. how are you so strong

you’ve mastered the most difficult healer in the game. the others are really easy for you to play but you have trouble with seris

motivate your team a lot but start shading and trash talking if they don’t cooperate

you’ll gladly play someone else for a long while and like taking breaks from her

.

Zhin

this is your first main after switching over from overwatch. we can smell it on you.

you’re really annoyed with his personality and voice lines but the character is too good to play for you to pass him up for that. you respond to his voice lines aloud very aggressively to let him know he’s an ass

“YES ZHIN HEALERS AREN’T USELESS YOU SELFISH PRICK”

you try your best but you’re not a great team player

infinite trips on a good day, die repeatedly without kills on a bad one and you switch over to vora or skye for a bit.

.

this took me hours to write out pls leave reblog and note thanks uwu

[botwstoriesandsuch]

I recently read Shades of blue after you rwcommended it and Oh My God was it worth it. That was beautiful and amazing and do you have any other recommendations?

✨MISSIONS ACCOMPLISHED✨

AAAAAA I’m so glad you read it!!! Honestly I’ve been waiting for someone to ask me for recs for awhile because I have.........a few...

Miscellaneous ships here, not just Revalink but the first lot are

- Pinesong by @a-perplexing-puzzle D-Do I even need to explain myself more??? I talk about this fic every other day of the week..... it’s just great vibes....soft and fluffy and angsty just *chef’s kiss* two gay boys searching through their old memories to remember how gay they are 

- Shades of Blue by @unapologetically-asexual OK I know original anon just said they read this but for you idiots that haven’t read it yet....uhhhh get on that. Nothing I could say would really advertise this fic better than this post

- somebody’s always looking (nothing’s quite as sweet) by @kouzaires One of my FAV Coffee shop AU’s for botw....so sof......so tender...........so warrmmmmm.............they characters are written so well.....just love it...a lot

- Broken Spirits by @legendoftoad It’s just AAAAAAAAAA??!!? My boys are hurting and the malice for half of it is frickin doing things to my boy and then of course you got your PTSD themes meddled in there and hnnnnnnnnnnhhhhhghgh my hurt/comfort itch is sufficiently scratched go read

- Linger On by ICanFlyHigher [idk if they have a tumblr] Ok I actually haven’t finished this fic yet but it’s been recommended time and time again so I’ve been reading this in my spare time I’m on like Chapter 12 or 13 I think but I can say with CERTAINTY that the writing is fantastic and tender moments are off the charts and my boys are so precious and also the Yiga are actually cool in this so that’s nice

- Learning Flight by homewardbound This is just *chefs kiss* *standing ovation* *throws confetti in the air* quality quality Revalink. Just a delicious chocolate cake of botw and Revalink. You got your mysterious Revali waking up 105 years later batter, and your angsty PTSD gay boys duo chocolate chips, and then you can chuck in some engaging sideplot elements as a few tall tiers, and then the cake is all whipped up with the wooden spoon of subtextual writing just mmmm delicious. and ALSO I betaed a thing that is gonna happen and let me tell you shit is gonna happen like VERY IMPORTANT SUPER COOL plot twists be happening so you better read it 

- Conversations After The End Of The World by @bismuthllie Ok this one’s a oneshot but I always go back and read it because...idk it just strums my heart strings a lot...I’ve said Pinesong was my first big Revalink fic I’ce read, but this was like...my first, first piece of Revalink content I read ever so...yeah <3 ....and also the art for this comic is fantastic too even thought it gives me the emotions......hahaha ok Revali it’s time to stop being dead

- I See You Swimming In The Sky by @unavoidablekoishi OK OK I know my logic isn’t the best considering it’s the only Revali/Mipha fic I’ve read, but god dammit it’s the best Revpha fic I’ve ever read I still need to catch up cause I’m like 3 chapters behind but this fic CONVERTED me ok, miphvali went from a “huh yeah the art is nice I can kinda see it” to “THAT FISH IS SIMPING FOR THE BIRD 24/7 AND THEY DESERVE EACH OTHER″ This is some *claps* GOOD. SHIT. Ok? *slaps roof of fic* This bad boy can fit so much charming characterization and interaction (and also has made me scream both happily and not happily on several occasions)

- Guardian of The Wilds by @no-themes-just-memes in which I constantly miscall it “Guardian of the Wild” because I’m stupid This isn’t so much a ship fic but it’s so cool Link is a spirit, Urbosa and Zelda’s mom are a thing, Zelda is HERE and she is AMAZING like no spoilers but holy shit Zelda is here and slaying in more ways than one and riding Satori and hhnnnnhhhhhhhh it’s all about those ~plot twists~ and tone changes ya know? very very very nice...

- Firebird by @paellaplease Oh no, it’s Kip’s obligatory Firebird gush whoopsie poopsie who would have guessed surely not me. This is just my standard for Oc ship content now it’s so good I am gay for one fire girl Maiya is my spirit animal and I just wanna cup her in my hands softly even though I know she would probably burn me for it but it would totally be worth it. The writing is just superb and I am also gay for great imagery and action which this is chalk full of so go read it 

Ok it’s actually 2am right now and I still need to finish a bunch of AP work so I’m just gonna speed run the rest of these recs

@echogekkos writes such cute and soft Miphlink fics that are on my top tier list like this one and oh crap this post made me realize Healing Touch updated crap there are so many things I need to read and catch up on anyways want more miphlink angst? BOOM read the inspiration for eternity by Merakkli and oh what’s that? You want deep lore that was custom made with lots of hot ocs in a fic that spans way beyond BOTW welp here’s Hyrule Bound a universe entirely created by @themisadventurescrew which is yet another fic series that I am behind on crap but oh shit @kittmoon has started a chapter fic called Jaded Seas recently so you should go read that but also all of their oneshots are great as well so you should follow them and did I mention that everyone I’ve tagged are people you should follow because yeah anyhow here’s a crackfic about Goron children that had me shaking out of either fear or confusion for a few days by @angsttronaut ok moving on @thatsnotzelda writes beautifully just take a look at this angsty Revalink thing and also bambambambam you’ve been ambushed by @hatenostorms @going-fancognito @ashrel @lizards-writing-blog so now go request some from them because I said so they’re great also uhhh @idiotic-canadian and @moonchildrenn [Pins_and_Patches on ao3] hate happiness but that’s ok because I get to be emotionally wrecked by their angst and whump hurray! wait fUCK I completely forgot to rec this earlier but my first Zelpha fic was this gorgeous Coffeeshop AU by @theseventhsage called Dreaming of Coffee and Love so go read that *flipping through entire history of ao3* let’s see let’s see... All of the Rito Chronicles by  sturms_sun_shattered is great, and this Teba/Harth one is also a fav and oh CRAP my zelink content is just everything by @fatefulfaerie because it’s just *throws colorful streamers in the air* pretty and I love their writing welp I’m about to collapse lets just end it off with the z’s like @zzariyo and @zeawesomebirdie on ao3  they are some pretty radical french fries if i do say so myself and and ok ok read this other Zelpha coffee au which is also by @kouzaires and this Modern au also by @unavoidablekoishi ok that’s all I can remember right now bye 

[1ddiscourseoftheday]

🐧 Thurs 15 Oct ‘20 🏳️‍🌈

Discourse of the day (TM) was dominated by the news that Eleanor seems to have a new job! An announcement went out that she had been signed by River Talent Management (run by a woman who has formerly been both a Syco exec and a manager at Modest who handled 1D) as a model. The news was then picked up by TBHonest (a wordpress fan site with a quality of writing that basically confirms that they're posting fan sourced material, but interesting for their large quantity of both Eleanor focused and larrie-louie content, not a combo you see every day.) Eleanor seems to have been signed with River since about August. The fandom, as improbably but endearingly optimistic as ever, took this as confirmation that her current employment with Louis was ending and immediately started popping the champagne corks and trending video of the unforgettable occasion when 1D gleefully sang I Will Survive-- Gloria Gaynor's iconic breakup song/gay anthem of all gay anthems and mainstay of pride festivals and drag shows the world over-- onstage in response to the first Elounor breakup, which brings us to the disco-course of the day: Gloria Gaynor herself retweeted the vid! Of Harry singing her song! Tagging him! With sparkly emojis!! And followed up by going through and liking and answering hundreds of replies, most of them “omg queen” but also an assortment of teary larrie tweets and “she definitely went through the thing and was so confused but a queen we stan.”

Liam posted about anti-bullying campaign Spirit Day, an LGBTQ awareness day started in 2010 by a teen to draw awareness to the high suicide numbers among queer youth.“Use your voice & support LGBTQ youth,” says his post, perfectly describing what he himself is doing. Louis retweeted a petition to parliament for measures to end child food poverty in the UK (with concrete proposals about school meals and vouchers) from its author Marcus Rashford, a football player who has been making big waves since March with his work against child poverty in the UK. LTHQ continues to register new versions of old songs, but it seems it's just paperwork shuffling and nothing interesting. And Harry has won a fan voted Billboard Chart Achievement Award at the BBMAs and the masses are thirsty... to be thanked! Twitter harries will really get mad at anyone, not even Harry himself is exempt! HSHQ posted about the award, does that count? (Oh I'm getting a transmission...what's that? Ah they're saying NO that doesn't count and we're extra insulted by that acknowledgment that you know it's happening but haven't posted a video, go to hell Jeffrey! Well there you have it folks, they're circling like wolves, look out or they'll... complain some more about what they feel they’re owed!)

Loads more Niall interview stuff as he makes the rounds chatting about his concert. He says he “wrote some awful stuff, then wrote some better stuff”, and now is writing “some really good stuff” but he doesn't know when we'll hear it, and that this time gives him “a chance to think about what I wanna do next. What I wanna write about. How it’s gonna sound. Who I’m gonna work with.” He weighs in on online dynamics-- “by saying stuff on twitter, I’ll probably be fueling an argument or some sort of trolling towards that particular person... what I’m gonna say is that there are trolls on there and it just depends on how you take it... a lot of people are a lot more sensitive than I would be, and effectively get bullied on a day to day basis,” but that he was going to continue to “give it out to politicians.” Fans set out to prove him right about bullying by being so nasty in the replies to girlfriend Amelia's supportive hand clap emojis on his post announcing the concert that she deleted the comment, because apparently they don't like her on account of her... existing? Nice, guys, real classy. Anyway other tidbits, he tells us him and Shawn (Mendes) send each other stuff they're working on for honest feedback, that he sent Zayn a message about the zaby, and that if acting is anything like doing music videos he's not interested (“they're such a pain”) but he'd be into doing an animated voiceover and using his accents which he would in fact be PERFECT at! Hollywood take note your next comedic cartoon penguin is ready and waiting and his name is Niall Horan!

[gallavictorious]

Mickey Milkovich is Dead (and also a magpie)

You ever think about Mickey as a magpie? No? Well, if you wanna, read on –

Say Mickey gets hit by a car and dies somewhere between 1x03 and 1x07 (NO DO NOT WORRY THIS IS NOT SAD AT ALL I PROMISE). Say he comes before this deity / spirit / what-have-you who declares that Mickey has been a bit not good in life and is about to be sent something unpleasant but he’s so very young and also they can see that he has the potential for goodness so he’s going to get a chance to learn to…learn to love? Care for others? Embrace his true nature? Something like that. Anyway, as a test, his soul is being put into the body of a magpie for the duration of one month and during that time he is required to take care of and protect the person who was supposed to be his one true great love, Ian Gallagher. If he gets Ian to care about him in turn, he'll go to a nice afterlife place. (Yes, this is all very Beauty and the Beast. Deal with it.)

Cue Mickey spluttering about not being fucking gay and even if he was he wouldn't go for that scrawny redhead, also newsflash spirit person, Gallagher is dating my fucking sister, and how the fuck's a magpie supposed to protect anyone anyway, why not make him a pitbull or a fucking tiger, etc, etc. The spirit person obviously doesn't pay any heed to Mickey's outraged rant and hey presto! It is a bird!

Magpie Mickey's first instinct would probably be to fly the hell away from everything, but he's just a little bit curious about why the hell that idiot spirit would claim that Ian Gallagher is supposed to be his one true love. Okay, sure, the kid is pretty cute, he guesses, Mickey's always got a thing for red hair and freckles, but he's always seem like a bit of a pushover, soft, so what gives? (Also, if the guy's into dudes, why the hell has he taken up with Mandy? Mickey's not gonna let some closeted homo hurt his sister. Yeah – that's it. He's out to protect Mandy, that's all.)

Aaand you can imagine how it goes, as Mickey starts following Ian around and keeping an eye on him to figure out what the appeal's supposed to be. He soon finds himself getting a little bit intrigued, 'cause it seems Gallagher is actually kind of funny and smart and not anywhere near as soft as Mickey first thought? Also, yep, he's very, very gay, but it seems Mandy knows all about it so maybe Mickey doesn't need to pick his eyes out over it...

One day Mickey spots Ian being followed by some local lowlife, seemingly picking Ian out as an easy mark, and when the villain moves in to put a knife to Ian's neck Mickey's immediately in his face, talons out and beak at the ready. (Why? 'Cause Mandy would be sad if something happened to her fake boyfriend, obviously. What with their mum running off and then Mickey dying, she's got enough to be sad about already.) Mickey scares the would-be robber off, but maybe he catches the knife to a wing and is a little bit hurt and Ian has to nurse his unlikely saviour back to health? Brings him home and researches how to care for a wild animal – and it's weird but the bird doesn't seem all that wild, he's skittish but kind of docile and Ian knows he's just imagining things but it's like the magpie can actually understand every word he's saying?

Mickey finds himself reacting VERY strangely to Ian holding him so gently and then telling him he's being so good, he's doing so well, just a sec and Ian will be all done.

And then... they're friends. Ian now has a bird companion that kind of of just hangs around? Fiona won't have it in the house but Ian, with Debbie's help, makes him a cozy nest outside and bribes Carl into leaving the magpie alone rather than catching it for one of his experiments and brings Mick scraps and yeah, being a magpie fucking sucks but it doesn't all suck, maybe.

Ian tells Mickey all sorts of things, things he's never tell another person. Confides in him, complains about being in Lip's shadow, talks about his dreams and ambitions. Mickey thinks he should find it annoying, the way Ian won't shut up, but to his surprise he doesn't mind? He likes listening to Ian's voice. No one's ever wanted to tell Mickey things before. No ones's ever looked at him like they're happy to see him.

Mickey starts following Ian to school and to work, and when he sees Ian with Kash he is not pleased (because it's fucking disgusting, Ian getting with that old dude, not because he's fucking jealous or anything). Maybe starts doing shit to disturb them whenever they're making out, like attacking the door or, if he makes it into the shop, picking stuff up with his beak and tossing it around, ripping into the chip bags, shitting all over the register (or all over Kash). Ian's upset, but he's not that upset. “You're a fucking asshole,” he tells Mickey that evening, once Mickey's (not at all guiltily, but maybe a little worried that Ian will be pissed) makes it back to the Gallagher back porch.

Mickey's not sure why Ian calling him an asshole in that exasperated, fond tone of voice feels so right.

When Ian worried over the family being low on cash Mickey takes to brazenly swooping down and stealing bills right out of people's hand just as they've drawn them from an ATM. (That's actually really fucking funny, and Mickey keeps doing it just for shits and giggles until animal control is alerted and he almost gets caught.)

And then one day Mickey hears an unfortunately familiar voice calling his name from a great distance, Mikhailo, because the month is up and it's time to go, Mikhailo, and no, what the hell, he doesn't want to go, fuck heaven, he wants to stay with Ian, but he is fading, fading –

BOOM! He wakes up in a hospital bed because SURPRISE he isn't dead after all, just slipped into a coma after the car accident, but now he's awake, and it was all just a dream! (Yes, you bet your sweet ass I went with that cliche. Would you rather have Mickey be truly dead? Uh-huh. Didn't think so.)

Once he gets out of the hospital and back to his normal, shitty life, Mickey – for no particular reason, fuck you very much – decides to give school another shot, so he shows up for class and during lunch break he doesn't seek out some weakass kid to steal lunch money from, but just so happens to find himself in the vincinty of one Ian Gallagher.

Gallagher is watching him warily and when Mickey asks for a cigarette – asks, rather than punching Ian in the face and taking the packet out of his pocket – he looks downright startled. But he pulls out a smoke and hands it to Mickey and then they stand there in silence and this is awkward as fuck and Mickey is cursing himself, what the hell is he doing, it was just a dream, he doesn't actually know Gallagher, so why –

He notices that Ian is turning his head this way and that, as if he's looking for something.

”You expecting someone?” Mickey asks gruffly, for something to say.

”No, it's just, there's this bird that's kinda been following me around, but I haven't seen it since last night and... ” Ian trails off, shaking his head a little sheepishly as if realizing that what he's saying sounds insane. ”Never mind.”

Mickey doesn't say anything, but as he drags the cigarette smoke down into his lungs, he can feel his heart beat just a little bit faster, with sudden hunger and hope.

”You, uh, wanna do some shooting practise together after school?” he dares. ”Know a good spot.”

And Gallagher looks startled as fuck again – confused and maybe a little bit worried, like he thinks it's some kind of trap – but after a moment, he shrugs. ”Sure.”

(Oh, and since I am extremely against any notion of eternal damnation and the like, that spirit was never some guardian of the afterlife. If you want to imagine that it wasn't all a dream, imagine that she was some mischivious South Side spirit who'd gotten a little bit fascinated by Mickey and pulled some magic to give him a glimpse of a better life and a kick up his gay ass while he was in a coma. Well done, that spirit.)

[honorable-wanderings]

Word of Honor - Episode 3 Part 2 - We’re getting INN to it now!

Meanwhile back with Scooby  and the Gang. B-characters realize that the Goldilocks is missing and it was only the 3 bears that were killed.

And we can hear them surprisingly well from this far away. Their voices must carry exceptionally well.

---------------

The spiderwebs of DEATH

Seriously though it’s been hours. How has no one either taken these wires down or run into them accidentally? You cannot tell me they have checked every bit of this place for ChengLing’s body if these are still up.

Someone has lied to you Mr. White ‘n’ Blue.

----------------------

No you fucking did not. If you were cleaning them up roughly you’d at least get the ones on the main doorways! goddamn.

-----------

Old ppl vs the Ghosts!

COME ON DOWN FOR THE FIGHT OF YOUR LIFE THE ALL DEAD VS THE MOSTLY DEAD THIS SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY BE THERE BE THERE BE THERE.

---------------

The Ghost Valley is a menace! It’s high time someone went in there and eradicated them all!

Huh... never thought of that before...

-----------------------

Eh. Old people chanting the children’s rhymes doesn’t have the same tension. It’s just not the right feel. It’s a no from me.

----------------

Yes. This is perfectly far enough away. No one could possibly overhear us from this distance! I am a genius!

-----------------

We are all very worried about ChengLing’s well being. Yes. That is all. Only his well being. Nothing else. No ulterior motives here. Nope. Purely just good will and worry. :DDDD

---------------------

Ah yes! Back to my boys! :D

------------------------

You big softie.

Seriously though. He is so considerate of not only Best Boy’s physical well being but really his emotional state and autonomy as well. He doesn’t expect ChengLing to act like a full grown adult but he doesn’t treat him like a little kid either. It’s great and I’m here for it.

---------------------------------

It’s not stalking if we got here first, right? Now you’re stalking me! :D :D :D :D :D

-------------

Some day soon I’ll get you to admit you like me ;)

-------------------

-------------------------------------------------------

Whaaaaaaaaaaaat you’re here to? At this random river?????? OMG what are the chancesssssss?!?!?

At this point I just wanna know fuckin how????

----------------------------------

A-Xiang deserves a fucking medal for putting up with this BS. For real.

----------------

A-Xu you make-a him sad D:

---------------

Zhou ZiShu! Look out! They’re stealing your boat!!

-------------------------

-Hey if the ghost valley peeps come up to wreck shit it’s gonna be our shit that gets wrecked too you know? -I don’t give a farting fly’s left ass cheek! I’m one foot in the grave already.

------------------

Glazed armor this glazed armor that give me a glazed donut and let’s call it a day. I don’t careeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

------------------------------------------

Are you inn or out?

----------------------

Sorry we’re out of space because for some reason we let ourselves rent out the entire establishment to a single person. Like I get he paid for the rooms but it’d still be bad for business?? Like no one wants to go to an inn if they won’t let you stay even though there are empty rooms. Like the fuck

------------

Look elsewhere? Shit you know this is the only inn in town (apparently)!! Where we supposed to go???

Um... why don’t you try looking at I don’t give a FUCK

----------------------------

Well well well. Who could have seen this coming?

-------------------

Zhou ZiShu is about read to add a few more nails

---------------------------

This old ragged beggar man is hot as fuck. Set him up in my room at once!

Just end my suffering. I beg you

-------------------------

ChengLing just gonna keep his mouth shut and stay out of it

------------------------------

-I gave you my own room! -My room now. Kindly GTFO -But I bought you clothes too! -Yeah no one asked you. GTFO!!

-How have my seduction techniques continued to fail??????????

-------------------------------

Love me pls D:

-----------------

If Oedipus invented a wire tap he’s gonna have to work harder to get past me!!

---------------

But he doesn’t look like he’s a bad person

Bad people rarely do.

--------------------

Take the bed? I couldn’t possibly!! No! You’re taking care of me and protecting me and you’re old! You take the bed! I’ll sleep on the chair! I’m the best boy!!!

Bitch did I fucking stutter?

--------------

You owe me no explanations. I’m sure you have your reasons and that they’re good ones. But don’t suffer needlessly. Treat your wounds and I won’t ask any more about it.

--------------

MY BOY DOESN’T DESERVE THIS. ALL THIS OVER A PIECE OF FUCKIN SEA GLASS??????????

---------------

Ain’t nobody dope as me I’m just so fresh, so clean (So fresh and so clean clean)

--------------------------

Daaate niiiiiight

----------

So I get that you’re like persistently stalking me and all that but like Why??

Because I know you cute as fuck. Why you hiding? Show me what your true face and I’ll tell you what I want. What I really really want.

You first bitch

-------------

Local man tries to pry secrets out of only human in a 10 mile radius who has no ulterior motives and is confused when it doesn’t work.

--------------

Das gay

HDU

----------------------

Clink Clink bitch

-------------------------

Master can you please keep it in your pants for 5 minutes? It’s all I ask. Just 5 minutes of peace! Please!

---------

Pop Quiz! Who is the second cutest person in the world?

I will settle for anyone who feeds me

Naw. Tsundere is where it’s at.

*Is unimpressed in tsundere*

---------------------

Then who is the mostest cutest?

A tsundere with long legs, slim waist, fat ass.

Heavens strike me down now. Please end my misery. Why did I sit here? Didn’t I know better?

Anyone have any more torture nails? Anyone? Please?

-----------------------------

*Insert Mii channel theme*

--------------------

We are the unwashed masses. Let’s go fuck some shit up

---------

Hey guys. Does this look like anime style to you? Someone said it looks like anime but I don’t see it.

I think it looks great! I can’t even draw a stick figure! hahahaha

--------------------------

Sleepy boi <3

----------------

How the fuck did I become the third wheel?

-----------

*mii channel theme continues*

----------------

Your honored uncle here wouldn’t let us eat anything until you woke up even though he sat at my table. D:

-------------------

-Stop acting like a little brat and start acting polite and demure like the other girls

-Uuuuuuuuuuuuuugh gross

-------------------------

We’re doing found family and we’re doing it now!

-------------------------

Why aren’t you eating?

Yeah! We had to wait all this time for you to get here and you’re not even eating anyway!!!!!!

Well my home and my entire family died, and so did that random boat man who protected me. And also there’s a hole in my stomach. So I don’t have much of an appetite atm.

Oh My God. can you not???

But that’s how I show affection!!!!!!!! D:<

---------------

Shoving food in your face to hide your tears. A time honored tradition.

Also D: Best boy is sad </3

--------------------

Oh no. More people I’m supposed to remember.

JESUS FUCK REALLY???

ARE YOU KIDDING ME? HOW MANY? You cannot tell me they are all important. Please tell me I’m not supposed to remember this many people. I can’t handle this.

aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARG

THAT’S 11 PEOPLE AT ONCE! WHAT THE FUCK

---------------

Whenever this guy speaks it sounds like he’s trying really hard not to cough in front of the board meeting.

-------------

Okay so what I got from this is

There was a treaty between these peeps and the ghost peeps to say they’ll leave each other the fuck alone

The ghost peeps broke that promise by fucking with the mirror lake sect and so these peeps decided to retaliate

and they’re gonna retaliate by throwing a party? Like I guess they’re just gathering forces? But like it’s a weird way to do it.

-------------

Oh for the love of god.

--------------------------------

Pffffffffffffffff welcome to the circus

----------------------------

*sigh*

Okay y’all I can remember like 6 people. 7 Max. Y’all gonna have to be picky about who’s important here.

How many of these people do I actually have to know?

----------------------

Now what the fuck happened here and why are the twin jades here?

-------------------------

You two have a piece of the glazed ham. And even though no one is using it it’s really important that we keep it that way. No one must hold all pieces of the glazed ham. Or..... bad things?

--------------

Oh my. Pain o’clock already?

-----------------

SOMEONE GET THEIR ASS IN THERE AND GIVE MY BOY A HUG!

-----------------------

Hey! What do you see? Is he in there? I can’t see a goddamn thing.

-------------------

So I know that he’s like what, 15? And like grew up with a dad. But like you know they made him scream “A-Die” and then wake up to Zhou ZiShu’s comforting touch on purpose. You know that was planned.

Maybe not a father, but certainly a father figure.

(Also thanks, A-Xu for answering my request from earlier for someone to comfort the poor boy.)

--------------------------

What’s this? The sounds of a scuffle???

Whelp. Not anymore.

--------------------------

Couldn’t he have just ordered them to leave instead?

---------------------

The Ghost Valley seems to be following me rather closely.

Oh you have no idea. ;)

-------------------

Alcohol detected

-------------------

Let me call you a cute pet name and I’ll let you drink from my bottle of nectar. ;)

Oh my god this shit again?

----------------------

You know what?

Two can play at this game.

---------------------

You wanna see what lies underneath? Rip it off yourself.

Don’t worry! I’m patient! Sleep well! Dream of me! I know I’ll be dreaming of you! ;)

[ordinaryschmuck]

What I Thought About the First Season of--

Salutations random people on the internet who most likely won’t read this! I am an Ordinary Schmuck. I write stories and reviews and draw comics and cartoons.

When I first saw the sneak peek of--

...I...didn't...think it would be anything all that special. I love animation, and I love superheroes, so it would go without saying that I would love an animated series about superheroes. But the animation looked a little too stiff for my liking, and aside from featuring J.K. Simmons, there wasn't anything grabbing me when it comes to this show.

Then I heard some s**t goes down at the end of episode one. So, letting my curiosity get the better of me, I binged the entire series in a day to see what the fuss was about. And, um...Yeah. Holy s**t.

This is a series that will very much make you uncomfortable in all the right ways. However, it is a gigantic gorefest at times, so if you get queasy after a single drop of blood, DON'T WATCH THIS SHOW! Trust me, you will not be prepared for what this series has to offer.

At the same time, I highly recommend you watch this series before reading this review. I'm going to spoil major plot points and characters so I can appropriately discuss what I think about the season, so trust me when I say you should click away if you haven't watched it yet. It's one of those series that are better to go in as blind as possible. You can call it a cheap way to appeal to shock value, but I call it one of the best reasons why--

...Is a contender for best-animated series of the decade--That bit with the title card isn't going away anytime soon, is it?

WHAT I LIKE

The Guardians of the Globe vs. The Mauler Twins: This is the best possible way for the series to begin. The first fight scene is bright, colorful, and kinda fun. Thus setting the ultimate expectation subversion in making audiences think that will be the series staple. However, just because it has the energy of a harmless superhero fight, there is a sense of intensity as the Guardians give their all in saving others. Like that moment with Darkwing (Not the duck) as he rescues that woman without hesitation, despite knowing he might die because of it. Or Green Ghost, who just barely rescues all those civilians from that falling debris. It shows that you don't need intense scenes of violence to make a fight scene thrilling to watch.

Diversity Wins: I don't know how diverse the comics are compared to the show, but I'm impressed with how inclusive this series is. So many members of the main cast are people of color, with the main lead being half-Korean. And it's not just different races that the series shines a light on, as we also get the rare, but very much welcomed, animated male gay character. Who's thankfully isn't cliched in ten ways to Sunday...for the most part. It really does seem like writers are starting to grow up and that it's better to be as inclusive as possible instead of pretending certain people don't exist for the sake of "convenience." It might not solve oppression in general, but it certainly makes certain people feel better, even if it is briefly.

Mark Grayson: Mark is a pretty solid super-protagonist if you ask me. Sure, at first, he comes across as whiney...and even more so in later episodes, but he's really an endearing character at times. Mark nails the role of the relatable everyman that's also inspirational with his determination since he never gives up until beaten to the inch of his life. Seriously, while he might not entirely be--

...I guess that bit with the title card really isn't going away.

Anyways, while he might not entirely be invulnerable in the literal sense, he is very much so in the figurative sense. Mark, in so many ways, refuses to call quits once he finally gets the hang of being a superhero, which is what makes him so inspirational. Plus, it's funny seeing how much of a rookie he can be to the gig at times. Mark is far from a perfect lead but is still charming to a fault, and it's nice seeing him grow more heroic each episode. I hope to see him develop more in future seasons, as he has the potential to be ranked higher up as one of my favorite superheroes (it's hard to compete with Spider-Man and Batman, but he'll make me consider it).

Debbie Grayson: This is almost what I expect a mother and wife of superheroes would be. 

Your son is constantly crash landing in your yard? Tell him to knock it off because he's past his curfew. 

Your husband disappeared into another dimension to fight off invaders? Shrug it off and expect that he'll be late for dinner.

It's a ton of fun to watch, and I adore how supportive she is of Mark, despite how much danger he could be in as a superhero. But, what really endears me with Debbie is her complicated feelings with Omni-Man. There's not a doubt in my mind that she loved him with her whole heart, but she also isn't an idiot. She is quick to pick up how unheroic her husband can be at times, often scolding him for it when necessary. And when she finally starts investigating if he really did kill the Guardians, I love that she instantly comes up with every single plausible excuse she can, despite knowing the truth. Because she believes that she knows who Omni-Man is and refuses any possibility that he might be a supervillain. So when she finds out that there really is no other explanation and hearing him call her a pet (big ouch when that happened), you wanna know what she does? She cries. Not because the man she loved is gone forever, but because the idea of him is. And it's that level of emotional devastation that comes from those complicated emotions that make me think Debbie Grayson is the most complex and endearing character on the show. And I. Will. Stand by that.

Seeing the Guardians of the Globe on their down time: Wow, what a cute collection of scenes that are charming as much as they are heartwarming! A set of scenes that show how human these characters are with their close relationships with friends and family! I sure hope it's not followed up with a brutal emotional gut-punch of a scene that will be even more devastating after thinking back on these! Especially with that bit with Martian Man and the little girl, cause OOO-WEE, would THAT tear me up inside!

Omni Man destroying the Guardians of the Globe:...I'd follow through on my joke here, but holy s**t.

That's really the best way I can describe all of this. It is a brutal, I repeat, BRUTAL scene that will stick with you hours after watching it. Not only that, but it's one of the few instances when I was damn near speechless because I couldn't think of anything else to say other than, "Holy s**t." The only time another superhero property did that was Avengers: Infinity War, except with that, the only difference is that the characters come back. Here, except for The Immortal, the Guardians stay dead! There's no magic amulet or alternate versions from another dimension. No, they die and never come back. Thus setting up how serious the show can be. Because if these superheroes can stay dead, then so can others.

Plus, what makes it more impactful is how throughout the entire fight, there was a glimpse of hope that the Guardians can beat Omni-Man. I heard he got nerfed for the sake of drama, and I approve of that decision. Because if he was really--

...If he was really unbeatable, then the fight doesn't have weight to it. There wouldn't be a point in rooting for these characters to win when we already know they're going to lose. But, by showing there's a chance that they could win, it becomes all the more intense watching the fight and even more tragic seeing them lose. It is a masterpiece of a battle that proves once and for all: Batman is right. You need contingency plans.

Omni Man: J. Jonah Jameson has become the one thing he hates the most: A masked MENACE...Ok, I know Omni-Man doesn't wear a mask, so the joke doesn't work as well as it could. But it was served to me on a silver platter, damn it! I had to take it!

In all seriousness, though, Omni-Man might give Homelander a run for his money on best evil Superman. Because while Homelander might be terrifying in his own right with his style of evil, Omni-Man takes it a step up a notch with the mystery behind WHY he killed the Guardians of the Globe. We know right away that there's something off with him, but up until that point, we see multiple instances of Omni-Man doing the right thing rather than the wrong. Sure, he might come off as cold when interacting with people, but so does Batman and other great superheroes in comics. That doesn't mean he's evil. So when he does do something so incredibly heinous, we're left with this mystery as to why. Because there has to be a reason for it all, right? Like, maybe mind control or his family was threatened. Something and anything that means he was forced into killing the noblest of people. So when it turns out that his actions were intentional, it is already pretty devastating. But when we find out why he does these things, it paints how truly evil Omni-Man is, given how little respect he has for human life.

Plus, as terrifying as Homelander is, Omni-Man is ten times more of an engaging villain. With Homelander, what you see is what you get: A narcissist with a god complex. For Omni-Man, it's more or less the same thing, but it's something fed to him because of the conditioning from his planet. There is a tiny, molecule-sized part of him that genuinely cares about others. It doesn't change what he does, nor does it mean he deserves forgiveness (far from it), but it hints that maybe he's not evil because of his own ego. It's because of how he's trained to be. And judging by his pained expressions from Mark's words and the single tear he sheds when leaving everything behind, there's a chance that he might be willing to fight back that mentality.

Or he will stay evil, and that he'll return to do worse things in the future. I don't know. I haven't read the comics. But I feel like I don't need to read anything to tell you all that Omni-Man is up there as one of the most intriguing comic book villains of all time, and I can't wait to see what happens with him next.

This show is f**king Violent: I mean, I refer you back to that scene where Omni-Man destroys the Guardians of the Globe. But, unlike other shows that use violence to force that mature rating, I feel as though In--

...Title card. You were cute the first time, but now your novelty has quickly worn thin.

Anyways, I feel as though this show...uses gore more appropriately. More often than not, death and carnage get treated as a literal joke in adult cartoons because people are sick bastards, I guess. But with...the current series I'm talking about, it all has an impact. No one dies or gets mangled for the sake of shock value or for a laugh. Instead, every instance of this type of violence is to either make a point, set the tone, or prove just how dangerous a specific character is. It makes...the series more mature than most adult cartoons you'll find because it actually brings a worthy discussion for its violence rather than milking it to give the illusion of maturity. And I gotta respect the writers for doing that.

Cecil: This man is basically Nick Fury if he was overpowered but in a good way. There is just something about a man who knows superheroes are needed in the world but also trusts a "hero" like Omni-Man as far as he can throw him. Not only does Cecil have contingency plans for his contingency plans, but the guy also knows to send the right heroes out for the exact missions that require them. Plus, a man is an instant badass when he's stone-faced about a demon saying he'll go somewhere worse than hell and is calm when being face-to-face with an angry Omni-Man.

I don't make the rules. I just abide by them.

The title card gets bloodier with each episode: This is just a really cool gimmick. It proves how intense this show can really be and how the stakes get higher and higher with each installment. Also, I like to think the amount of blood that splashes over the title card reflects how brutal the episode will be, especially with episode eight, 'cause holy hell.

The plot structure: The way the story works is very similar to how a comic book series handles its overarching narrative. Even though the writers begin a new arc that continues for a handful of issues, the overall main plot still develops in the background of the current adventure the hero goes through. That's basically how--

>Intense inhale<

>Calm exhale<

That's basically how THIS SHOW operates. Each episode can be seen as its own story that's given a ton of room to develop with its forty-five-minute runtime (which blew my f**king mind when I started binging it). Despite that, there's still a great sense of continuity. Everything involving Omni-Man and the mystery behind his murder of the Guardians gets fleshed out throughout the season, even when it takes the background of Mark's escapades. It really does feel like sitting down and taking the time to read an entire volume of comics, which I like to believe is the intention. After all, what's the point of making a series about superheroes if you don't make it feel like a comic book at least once?

Dark Blood: I desire a series based on this character alone. I know it's probably just Hellboy, but I want it. 

The idea of a demon solving murder crimes to work off his debt in Hell is too much of a remarkable concept to strictly be a c-plot in one series. Give Dark Blood a spin-off, damn it!

The Realistic Portrayal of a Superhero world: Unlike certain superhero properties--*cough* DC *cough*--it's--

>Huff<

>Puff<

>HUFF<

>PUFF<

>HUFF<

It's. This. F**KING. SHOW! That really does an excellent job at portraying how much it would suck to live in a world of superheroes. Sure, you got the cool battles and awe-inspiring heroes with incredible powers, but do you know what else you get? Hundreds upon thousands of people dying from the very threats those heroes fight against. Not to mention all the realistic physics that come from people like Mark trying to save others. Just look at how mangled that old woman looked when he attempted to help her. It, uh...It sure did not look great. Don't get me wrong, I love superheroes and the worlds they live in. But when watching a show like...this one, it really makes me appreciate how I don't live in those worlds with them.

It’s Still Funny: This is something I appreciate the most. When most superhero shows go for the realistic approach, they go with the doom and gloom route, making everything so melodramatic about how serious the world is. But here's the thing: Superheroes are f**king stupid.

Don't tell me they're not because they are. Superheroes have cornball hero names, bright costumes, and logos on their foreheads, chests, belts, and what-have-you. Taking a superhero too seriously is the worst mistake you could make, which is why I love the Marvel Cinematic Universe. Say what you want about Marvel having "too many jokes," but at least they know it's for the best to laugh at themselves and embrace the weirdness. It's something similar with...you know what. Because while the series tells a serious and realistic story about superheroes, it's still a story about superheroes. So it tells some jokes and some pretty funny ones at that. Because while it's essential to include some drama in a story such as the one in...you know what, it's just as important to never forget to have some fun.

“Earth is not yours to conquer.”: Such a great line that gains an even greater meaning once we fully know who Omni-Man is. The main creditor for how effective it is goes to J.K. Simmons for making the line sound explicit yet implicit at the same time.

Allen the Alien: ...It is an absolute crime that this character only has about six minutes of screentime. Allen is such a bro, partially because of Seth Rogan's performance, that I would honestly be upset if he doesn't show up more often in later seasons. Seriously, bring him back for more.

The Mauler Twins: Thankfully, these characters get as much attention as they deserve. The banter between the Mauler Twins is always entertaining, often being the comedic highlights at times. On top of being funny, they also work as efficient villains who can come across as threatening at times.

But what I love most of all about these two is the explanation behind the cloning process. The reasoning of why neither character remembers which one is the cone is a brilliant idea that I'm surprised no one else did in the past (to my knowledge). It also provides some excellent fruit for thought in wondering if it really is better to live your life not knowing if you're a clone or not. The whole thing is great to watch, and it makes me really glad for their inclusion...too bad they had to be forced into a story that makes a character look like a reckless superhero and an inconsiderate jackass to his friend. Seriously, what was up with that?

“That Actually Hurt”: This just might be my favorite episode of the first season. Machine Head is both equally hilarious and devious, Titan might just be my favorite character due to how intriguing his allegiances and motivations are, that final fight was the perfect amount of brutal, and we get the biggest hint of the man Omni-Man really is. Having him simply watching Mark instead of flying in to help him actually shocked me the first time seeing it. It's not until we learn what a Viltrumite really is that it becomes clear as to why. He doesn't care about saving his son but instead seeing Mark reach the same potential Omni-Man did during that smash fest the planet went through to reach perfection. And something tells me he felt more disappointment than sadness after seeing his son get nearly killed by Tony the Tiger (I know he has an actual name...but this is funnier to me). It's such a solid moment with great implications that just so happens to exist in an even greater episode.

Eve deciding to just help people for the heck of it: I actually love this idea more for the potential it has rather than what actually happens so far. Because the main reason why heroes don't fly around and solve every little minute problem people have is that they need to learn how to act without help. If you suddenly make food appear out of thin air or stopping forest fires, you're doing good, but there's also potential harm that comes from it. I think back to that episode of The Powerpuff Girls, where the townspeople are so idiotic and complacent with having their heroes solve every problem that they really can't think or act for themselves. A similar thing can happen with Eve if she's not careful. Even worse, if she keeps trying to end famine for farmers, because she might get into a Supergirl situation with people building a cult around her. And, you know, that's not going to be fun.

But again, that's just the potential that this presents. We--Or the people who haven't read the comics--don't know if Eve will actually face this issue. Regardless, we still get some solid moments that proves just how much Eve is a true hero in this series as she has no other motive to help people other than she just wants to. And I actually think that's pretty cool.

The Immortal’s rematch: I gotta hand it to the guy. Not a second after being brought back to life, and The Immortal's already flying off to get revenge on the bastard who killed his closest friends in the world. Or, globe, I guess.

I respect that, to be honest.

(As a bonus, The Immortal causing Omni-Man's eyes to become bloodshot adds to how evil he'll be in the last episode)

Mark trying to snap his dad out of mind-control: Oh, I felt that.

I'm pretty sure we all felt that.

Ow...Big ow.

The Train Scene: ...This is the most horrific thing I have seen in entertainment. Seriously, while Omni-Man annihilating the Guardians left me speechless, this is another level. Because him using Mark's body to kill a train full of people ramming into them, leaving Mark all the more helpless to stop it, makes a scene that is so...so hard for me to describe how effectively f**ked up it is. It's one of those moments where just by seeing it, you know why it's awful in all the right ways. And I will never forget the look of shock and horror on my face when it reflected onto my laptop's screen after the scene briefly cut to black soon after the carnage. Because if that doesn't explain how unmerciful this moment is, I don't know what will.

Saving Mark after the fight: I really love this because as it flashes between still images of people carrying Mark away after his brutal fight with Omni-Man, it really feels like you're reading a comic from panel to panel. It’s pretty neat. I won’t lie.

WHAT I DISLIKE

The Animation isn’t that great: Now, in terms of action, the animation is fantastic. You feel the impact of each attack, there are some creative uses of powers, and the gore is better implemented because it's all animated. As for everything else...yeah, it kinda sucks. Movements are a little stiff at times, the CGI backgrounds could use a bit more polish, and don't get me started on the CGI crowds of people. I understand the shortcuts that need to be taken to make everything else more effective, but man, this series needed a little more time in the oven before being shown to everyone. It's never too bad, but it can be pretty distracting at times.

Amber: F**k Amber. Just f**k her. Everything people tell you that is wrong with her is one-hundred percent on point. She is easily one of the worst love interests, and to me, it has everything to do with the fact that she knows Mark is--

...That she knows Mark is--

...

...

...ThatsheknowsMarkisInvinci--

--BECAUSE IT INVALIDATES ANY POINT SHE HAS, GOSH DANGIT! I don't give a single S**T if she's upset that he's late all the time! If Amber was always unaware of it, then I would understand. But having her know means that she thinks her issues are more important than Mark, oh, I don't know, SAVING THE PLANET! I mean, the girl helps feed the homeless! You would think she would understand.

But fine. Maybe Amber's just upset that Mark's lying to her. Sure. That's understandable...BUT WHAT THE F**K IS UP WITH HER BLOWING UP IN HIS FACE FOR NOT HELPING ANYBODY AT THE COLLEGE WHEN SHE KNOWS HE'S HELPING EVERYBODY!? Even if it's her giving Mark one last chance to tell her the truth (which is a mile of a stretch, and you know it), did she really expect him to reveal his secret with tons of people watching? That is a crazy expectation that no one should live up to!

Amber is quite possibly the worst thing about this show. She was fine at first, and her chemistry with Mark was on point, but MAN, did she get worse later on.

And if I see one mother f**ker calling me a racist because I don't like this character who just so happens to be black...I'm going to be upset, not gonna lie. Because that is a cheap shot to dismiss any criticism, especially since her race has NOTHING to do with why people hate her...Or, at least, most people.

Edit (5/27/2021): Disregard the above. The long and short is that I don’t like Amber. She just doesn’t sit right with me for the reasons that her anger towards Mark just never felt entertaining to me in comparision to everything else. But saying her thoughts and arguements are invalid is not cool, and I’m sorry to both any readers who are black or especially female who would be upset by this.

Rex-splode: I understand the point behind Rex. He's a character who we're supposed to hate, so it becomes so much more satisfying seeing others s**t on him. But those characters are hard to get right if you’re not careful. Make them too irritating, then any suffering they go through will seem too little. Make them not annoying enough, and their punishments can be too harsh. Rex fits into the "too irritating" category. It's satisfying to see Monster Girl wreck his s**t after he started commenting how ineffective she might be, but with what he pulled with Dupli-Kate, I feel as though he might deserve worse. Although I will admit Rex gets slightly better in later episodes, showing at least a smidgen of character development. But I don't think it's enough to make his a**holeness worth it. Still, I hope he at least becomes above decent in the next few seasons, which is way more than what I can say for Amber.

(Seriously, writers, if she just disappears without an ounce of an explanation in the season premiere, I won't question it. You have my word.)

Edit: I no longer agree with what I crossed out, but I won’t delete it either. I want people to know the mistake I made so I can prove that I changed in the future.

Robot cloning himself to be with Monster Girl: ...Nope! 

Nope!

Changed my mind.

I am NOT touching that.

I will touch a lot of things, but I will not touch--That came out wrong.

Please forget you read anything.

Thank you, and goodnight.

Let’s move on

Transitioning to the title card: Here it is! The nitpickiest of all nitpicks! But, seeing how it happens in every episode, meaning that the writers have no choice but to commit to it, means it's one of those things that viewers are forced to get used to. And boy, is the transition to the title card hard to get used to! Oh, you thought it was annoying how it kept happening in this review? Well...fair enough. But trust me when I say it's much more aggravating in the show.

The funny thing is, I had no problem the first time it happened. It was a cute way to introduce the character as well as the title of the series. But having that be the basis for transitioning to the title card every time was a gimmick that got old real quick. Especially since every time that a character says the word--

--it always feels forced. What's even more annoying is that sometimes it interrupts characters as they're saying invin--

LIKE! F**KING! THAT! Because interrupting someone before they say something is one thing, but doing so as they're saying it shows a sense of bad timing. Not even that, because this is something that I feel like could have been the easiest to change in the series by having someone go, "Hey, maybe we should edit out this single second."

It's laziness that doesn't happen often, but it still grinds my gears a bit. Plus, is there really no other smoother transition the writers could come up with? Did they really believe this is the best way to do it?

Think, writers! THINK!

It's fine to have a gimmick, but this is one that really shouldn't have any follow-through on.

-------------

That's about all the issues I have with the show. It's far from perfect, but still, an A- is pretty impressive work. The stuff that this series does right not only outnumbers the mistakes but also heavily outweighs them. Besides, no show in the history of creativity has ever been perfect in its first season. There are always dents that need to get buffed out and improve upon for the subsequent seasons to come. Only then can a series truly be Invincible from all criticism.

...

...Oh, sure. 

SURE!

NOW it lets me say it!

GOSH, DANGIT, I HATE THAT TITLE CARD!

[shera-dnd]

New chapter arriving a little early today. This time featuring Weiss’s lesbian awakening at the hands of a certain Knight of the Fall Maiden

As usual you can read here or over on AO3, just follow your gay little heart (like Weiss is hopefully gonna do soon)

It had taken Weiss a couple of days to get used to not wearing her helmet, and a few more still for her to ditch the armor altogether. She hadn’t engaged in combat since those first couple of days, and even if she did, she was more than confident that she could best her opponents with sword alone.

Now, with the protection of Lady Ilia’s shawl she was given a level of freedom she did not expect. She was able to roam the festival grounds without a care in the world, no longer weighted either by iron or name. Tied down no longer by responsibilities to her father nor to House Schnee as a whole.

Of course Lady Ilia accompanied her wherever she went, though now Weiss saw her less as a shackle and more as a companion, with whom she spent time happily. She hoped that by putting aside her iron she had made herself more approachable to Lady Ilia. She had the fae to thank for all this after all.

“Must we really accompany those two once more?” Lady Ilia demanded as they followed a little ways behind Lady Yang and Lady Blake, who were both very openly and blatantly flirting.

“Lady Blake is our friend, Lady Ilia,” Weiss replied, “shouldn’t we be happy to accompany her in such a joyful evening stroll?”

“Oh, I’m plenty happy,” Lady Ilia countered, clear annoyance disproving her own statement, “though I do not understand why I must be exposed to these love birds every day.”

“Because Lady Blake requested that we accompany her,” Weiss informed, a playful grin forming on her face, “besides how else will you reach your daily quota of snark and mockery?”

“I’m sure you’d still give me plenty to work with, Lady Gigas,” Lady Ilia replied in kind, using the false name they had chosen for Weiss’s disguise.

“You know nothing delights me more than being of help to you, Lady Ilia,” Weiss added. The two of them looked at each other with an attempt at annoyed glares which very quickly dissolved into amused smirks.

“If you two are quite done,” Lady Blake called, “we’ve arrived.”

Around them sprawled the tents of the valean envoys and the Knights of the Fall Maiden, above them fluttered the flag of crossed axes over a crown, the symbol of their kingdom. They would finally meet Lady Blake’s companions.

“Come here, men,” the knight called in the valean tongue, “I wish to introduce you to my friends.”

With that many of those present gathered around the four of them to exchange greetings. Plenty of these knights had been bested by Weiss the week before, but none of them seemed to hold a grudge against her, and many had taken the opportunity to request rematches, which she gladly accepted.

It was after she had assumed she had met all of Lady Blake’s companions that she was greeted by the sight of a new arrival. An arrival that caught both her eye, and every scrap of breath from her lungs.

She was a tall woman with a flowing mane of red hair. Her body may not be as large, nor bulky, as Lady Yang’s, but the lean muscle it had looked as if it had been sculpted from marble, and the sweat - from what was clearly an intense training session - gave them a shine that made it near impossible for Weiss to look away.

She was starstruck.

“Lady Nikos,” Lady Blake called, “I hope I haven’t interrupted your sparring practice.”

“Hello again,” she greeted, with a lovely smile on her face, “are these the companions you have spoken so fondly of?”

With that she happily greeted the four of them and then continued to hold an animated conversation with her fellow knight. Weiss’s mind was having a difficult time grasping what was being said, most of it focusing on the lovely sound of Lady Nikos’s accent, and the insufferable smirk on Lady Ilia’s face.

Before she could question her companion on this another knight stumbled after Lady Nikos. A blonde man that Weiss first assumed to be her squire, but whose regalia was that of a full fledged knight.

Her next assumption was that the man had stolen his gear from an actual knight, though Lady Blake would have apprehended him if that was the case.

“Sir Arc, good to see you’ve survived your sparring session,” Lady Blake welcomed, the title as unfitting on him as his armor.

“Jaune’s been getting better and better,” Lady Nikos assured her, though why someone like her would waste her good will on such a buffon was beyond her.

“It’s only because of your teachings, Pyrrha,” he replied, offering the recognition back to the one who actually deserved it, “I wouldn’t have made it this far without you.”

“Nonsense, you’d still be a knight of great renown,” she assured him, quite wrongly in Weiss’s fair opinion.

To drive her point home she took his hand and gently pressed a kiss against his knuckles. Weiss decided then that she despised Jaune Arc with all her being.

With her mind now being assaulted on three fronts - two annoying and one lovely - Weiss did not contribute much to the conversation, which only aggravated Lady Ilia’s accursed smile.

It was only later, when the two of them had been separated from the group that Weiss finally had a chance to question her on that.

“What amuses you so, Lady Ilia?” Weiss asked, making no attempt to hide her annoyance.

“Nothing much,” she replied, her tone as unbearable as her smile, “only that you’re so clearly smitten by Lady Nikos.”

“What is that supposed to mean?” Weiss scoffed.

She was not some foolish little princess swooning over any knight who so much as flexed a bicep in her vicinity. More importantly she did not seek the company of women in that way...at the very least she was pretty sure she didn’t.

“That you wish it was your hand, not Sir Arc’s, that she had kissed,” Lady Ilia replied with certainty.

“That is…not untrue,” Weiss admitted, “but that doesn’t mean anything.”

“Doesn’t it now?” She teased, “does the thought of a strong woman in knightly armor, carrying you off into the sunset not set your heart aflutter?"

“It very much does not,” Weiss informed her, unamused.

“Then perhaps you wish to be that knight in shining armor,” she tried again, “brave, powerful, holding a swooning maiden in your arms as she declares her undying love for you.”

That thought certainly brought some color to Weiss’s cheeks. Though it was obviously only because it played to her dream of becoming a knight, and not because of any previously undiscovered attraction to swooning maidens.

Certainly not.

“Oh Lady Schnee,” Lady Ilia continued, hands clutching her chest as she leaned back in a clear mockery of said maidens, “you’re so handsome and strong, please carry me off to your chambers so you may ravish me.”

“Yes, yes, you’ve made your point,” Weiss rolled her eyes, deigning to ignore Lady Ilia’s nonsense in favor of preparing their camp once more.

That was certainly a lot for her to process all at once. Certainly she was surrounded by women who held interest in other women, but that did not speak of her preferences, right? Though if she was so certain she shouldn’t be having all these doubts right now.

Perhaps she enjoyed the company of men and women, much like Lady Yang’s mothers. Though she couldn’t quite remember a time in which a man’s company did to her what the mere sight of Lady Nikos did.

She needed something to get her mind off of this. Something that would both distract her and help her think more clearly. Thankfully she knew just what could save her in her hour of need.

“What are you doing?” Lady Ilia asked, as Weiss began searching through her belongings.

“Searching for my training swords,” she informed her, “the two of us are gonna spar.”

“I see,” Lady Ilia replied, seemingly not much entertained by this idea, “and why is that?”

“You’ve claimed to know how to defend yourself,” she explained. Having found the pair of wooden swords that she had stashed away - just in case Winter could spare some time with her - Weiss tossed one over to Lady Ilia and continued, “I wish to test that.”

Her reasoning wasn’t entirely untrue. She did want to measure her companion’s skill, just to be sure she would be safe were they ever separated, and that explanation dealt a far smaller blow to her pride than, ‘I’d rather swordfight you than sit around and question my sexuality all night.’

“Very well,” Lady Ilia agreed, getting up and giving her sword a few practice swings, “though do not be saddened when I put an end to your winning streak, Schnee.”

“My lady,” Weiss replied, in a tone she knew annoyed her companion deeply, “you know you could never sadden me.”

“You know that won’t stop me from trying, Schnee,” she replied, matching Weiss in her annoyance.

This would bring her such joy.

“On my mark then,” Weiss declared, taking a proper fighting stance, “begin!”

The word had barely left her lips before Lady Ilia’s sword was already swinging for Weiss’s head. She barely had the time to block that blow before another hit came her way, then another, and another still. Lady Ilia pressed the offensive with a terrifying fury, backed by skillful swordsmanship.

Sidestepping her next blow, Weiss finally managed to get her footing again and swing her first blow towards her opponent. Lady Ilia evaded it masterfully and pushed the attack once again, only to be stopped by a follow up blow of Weiss’ sword.

Oh, this was exhilarating. The intensity of her lady’s attacks, the rhythm of their push and pull, truly nothing could get her blood pumping quite like a good fight, and Lady Ilia was giving her exactly that.

“I wanna see you grinning like that once I turn you into worm food, Schnee,” she threatened.

Oh? Had Weiss been grinning this whole time? Perhaps she had been enjoying herself too much. Not that she had any cares right now. There was only space in her mind for the fires of combat, both with blades and words alike.

“Your skills with the blade are matched only by your eloquence, my lady,” Weiss declared, trying to keep a calm tone even as the fight continued.

“And yours is only matched by your fairness,” Lady Ilia countered, matching Weiss blow for blow.

“I’ll be taking that as a compliment,” she replied, taking some ground as well while she was at it.

“Not once I’m done beating your face bloody!”

Weiss laughed.

She couldn’t help herself really, not when she was enjoying herself so much. She hadn’t had such fun in ages, so of course she had been grinning and laughing like a complete fool. It did not help that her sparring partner was making herself a fool in much the same way.

Perhaps it had been such bouts of laughter that had caused Lady Ilia’s stance to slip for a moment. Making the best of the opportunity she had been given, Weiss lunged forth, hitting her partner’s sword with force, knocking her backwards with the blow. Though she did not wish for her companion to suffer any real wounds, and dutifully caught her in one arm before she could touch the ground.

Her breathing was labored, heavy with strain and adrenaline. Lady Ilia did not find herself in a much better position, clinging to Weiss’s arm to keep herself from falling back as the both of them simply held themselves like that. Their bodies pushed oh so closely as they allowed themselves to slowly recover.

“I must admit, Schnee,” Ilia was the first to break the silence, “you’re quite the fighter.”

Weiss did not care to stop the smirk that had returned to her face, “it wouldn’t do for my lady to have a poor knight at her service.”

Calling herself a knight was perhaps a bit much, but she felt she could allow herself such indulgences in this moment. As expected, Lady Ilia clearly disagreed, rolling her eyes at Weiss’s self satisfied comment.

What wasn’t expected was for her body to fracture into a kaleidoscope of butterflies, each of them flying away and dispersing into the air. Weiss froze in stunned shock, unable to move as her mind tried to grasp what had just unfolded.

She felt hard wood gently press against her back, before the real Lady Ilia allowed herself to retort, "and it wouldn't do to let you grow too cocky, Schnee."

The Ilia she had fought was an illusion.

Now that had returned the smile to her face.

Weiss righted herself and turned to face her sparring partner. Ilia’s excitement was written on her face as clear as day. She smiled not only at the fact that she had bested a Schnee, but at the simple joy of a good fight.

It struck her then that perhaps there was some truth to Lady Ilia’s assumptions. Perhaps she had certain preferences when it came to her partners. That was certainly a lot for Weiss’s poor mind to digest while still being pumped full of adrenaline. Maybe it would be for the best if she saved the self questioning for later, and just allowed herself to enjoy this moment of joy.

“Again?” Weiss asked, already knowing what her lady’s answer would be.

“Again!”

[s4rainbows]

The Berry Sweet Sapphics Legacy (SIMS 3)

This is for all my yearning sapphics who wanna play a colorful little legacy that is so sacchartine, it rots your teeth. Can also be played as mlm, although, well, look at my URL. The rules will be written with a wlw romance in mind. You need Generations, University, Seasons, Supernatural, World Adventures and Ambitions! Tag with #BSS, or @ me in your intro post so I can eyeball your gameplay! <3

General Rules: - Money cheats are allowed, just don’t overdo it, it tends to rob the fun from the game - Live anywhere, unless otherwise specified - Each generation has one or more traits that I will give you, the rest is up to you. - Your Wife’s career is up to you unless otherwise specified - You don’t have to play berry, you can just have the generational color as a general vibe - Cheating to have same sex pregnancy is ok, as well as adoption! - Roll a 6-sided die each generation to see how many kids you’ll have - You don’t have to max careers, but it’s a nice bonus if you do!

Generation 1: Nerdbians (Mint) “In a world full of people, only some want to fly. Ain’t that crazy?” (Think up Anger - Mutiny) Trait(s): Green Thumb, Genius Career: Scientist Goals: - Meet your wife in Uni, have her be in the Nerd social group - Max Logic, Gardening and Science - Have your wife work as a freelance Inventor once graduated Bonus Goal: - Have your wife build a Simbot and treat them like your own child! That simbot will count toward your offspring roll (+1 if you rolled a 1)

Generation 2: Be gay, do crime (Yellow) “Trust, my love, I’ll keep you safe from the wolves” (Boy Epic - Trust) Trait(s): Kleptomaniac, Rebellious Career: Criminal Goals: - Meet your wife at work! Pretend it’s a fire-forged romance, during a heist or something - Max Charisma and Street Art skills! - Be enemies with a Law Enforcement Sim Bonus Goal: - Befriend a Burglar that tried to rob you!

Generation 3: Happily Ever After (Cotton Candy) “I just wanna tell you that you’re really pretty, girl. I just wanna know if you will let me be your world?” (Hayley Kiyoko - Pretty Girl) Trait(s): Hopeless Romantic Career: Education Goals: - Meet your wife as a teenager and attend prom with her! - Max Charisma and Writing - Adopt a Dog! - If your Offspring roll is 3 or less, add one! Bonus Goal: - Go on a date or family outing to the seasonal festival every weekend!

Generation 4: Puppy Love (Purple) “Little Red Riding Hood, you sure are looking good. You’re everything Big Bad Wolf could want” (Amanda Seyfried - Little Red Riding Hood) Trait(s): Friendly, Daredevil Career: Collecting/Consignment Goals: - Meet your wife during a Full Moon and have her be a Werewolf! - Max Painting and Schulpting! - Adopt two Dogs and max Hunting on one of them! Your Wife needs a hunting buddy - If your Offspring roll is 3 or less, add one! - Pass Lycanthropy to your heir! Bonus Goal: - Max out your Wife’s Werewolf-ism and her Fitness!

Generation 5: You’re Magical (Midnight Blue) “Guide me to your shores, leave my ruins behind, show me the way to light” (Darkseed - Follow me) Trait(s): Animal Lover, Dog Person (haha get it?) Career: Gardener Goals: - Meet your wife at the Alchemy Store, and have her be a witch! - Max Fitness and Handiness! - Adopt a Cat this time! Your Wife needs her witchy familiar! - Have at least one minor pet! - Turn your heir into a witch! - If your offspring roll is 3 or less, regardless of your way of having kids, adopt a little girl in addition! Bonus Goal: - Be BFFs with your Wife’s cat!

Generation 6: Thirsty for Love (Red) “Fluttering lashes, red lips and pearly white teeth” (The Correspondents - Fear & Delight) Trait(s): Charismatic, Great Kisser Career: Alchemist Goals: - Meet your wife at a Club, have her be a Vampire! - Max Alchemy and Nectar Making! - Take your Honeymoon in France, and max out your Visa! - Be the only one your wife feeds from! - Do NOT Turn your heir, but all your spares! Bonus Goal: - Finish the French Relics Collection! Generation 7: You’re my “normal” (light blue) “Lay your head down on my shoulder, human anything but free” (Behind the Scenes - Human) Trait(s): Brooding, Proper, Shy Career: Journalist Goals: - Meet your wife at a park! - Max Fishing and Writing! - Adopt a Horse! It’s time to get ridin’ - Go on a date with your Wife once per week! - Buy a second property and build a cute little cabin there to get away from all the trouble every so often! Bonus Goal: - Have your Wife Max Riding and let her participate in races!

Generation 8: Young Love is sweet as can be (Green) “Follow me down to the river, drink while the water clean” (The Pretty Reckless - Follow me down) Trait(s): Workaholic, Easily Impressed Career: Business Goals: - Meet your wife as a child, and be on max relationship with her until the day you die - Max Cooking and Logic! - Never retire - Visit every destination world at least once. Your job pays well, yo - Make the child that has the most combined skill points once they turn into a teen your heir! - Buy out at least four businesses! Bonus Goal: - Have your wife be self employed, following her dreams while your work your office job Generation 9: My beating Heart (Black & White) “From the Darkness rises a Succubus, from the earthen rust” (Ghost BC - Ghuleh) Trait(s): Supernatural Fan, Bookworm Career: Fortune Teller Goals: - Meet your wife furing a full moon - When she’s a Zombie attacking your house! - Max Charisma and Mixology - Move to Moonlight Falls if you don’t already live there - Buy the Witches’ Brew Elixir fro the Consignment Store as soon as youre able and become a witch! - Have your wife be bitten/Turned into a Zombie each full moon. It’s her “time of the month”, I guess Bonus Goal: - Max your Witch skill and raise an undead arms, spearheaded by your wife!

Generation 10: Out of the Dark (Orange) “You know how it is, when you’re just waiting on that bad, bad moon to rise” (Hollywood Undead - Bad Moon) Trait(s): Brave, Active Career: Ghost Hunter Goals: - Meet your wife on the job, after saving her from a spooky invasion! - Max Guitar and Photography! - Max out your Visa for Egypt, time to beat up some Mummies! - Move out of Moonlight Falls once you become an Adult (Not YA!) - Don’t befriend any Supernaturals, you’ve had enough of that in your childhood Bonus Goal: - Cure one of each Supernatural Type and/or cure every Zombie you encounter during full moons!