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magdaclaire · 3 months

Text

starshine, a poem about my girlfriend @legalespeon

to cait: you're my favorite. to everyone else: hope you enjoy.

transcript under the cut or in the alt text image descriptions.

signed,

m a morton

i told her once that meeting her was like turning the lights on

and i don't know if there's any better way to describe it

how else can i say that it feels like she reached into me and pulled every good thing about me back into the light

reminded me that there's more to this house than the shadows and the gloom

the creaking staircases and drafty windows

that she spilled color back into the world

or maybe she just reminded me to look for it

she opened the front door and the handle didn't even stick

didn't even catch on the swollen door frame

storm damaged in more ways than one

nobody's ever done it like her

people have shouldered through the door and they've climbed through windows

they've left the first time they were denied entry,

mistaken the hesitance for occupancy,

it didn't even hesitate for her

like the door was made for her to walk through.

meeting her was flicking on a gas stove

tick, tick, tick, catch,

the potential was always there,

stored energy waiting to be sparked into a flame,

i've cooked more in the months since i met her than i had in the previous two years.

every day, we do the connections together

that new york times game, something i would have never gotten into without her

i only like doing wordle with her

i get bored otherwise,

too caught up in my head to even stay focused on a game you only get six tries to get right

so why do i feel so perfectionist about it anyway

but that's not the point.

the point is that things are more fun when i can hear the sound of her laugh

i've always hated looking at menus but it's fun when she's telling me all the things she wants to try

when she's looking at restaurants in my hometown and curious about the brussel sprout salad

(which, of course, i order)

we looked through the attraction pages of three zoos together

we've contemplated dates in my hometown

the place she used to live

the place she's moved to now

the city where i stay when i'm with my brother

every place i am, i want her to be

i wanna see my comfortable places through her bright eyes

see how my girl sheds starlight, pixie dust from her fingertips

her delighted laughter, her open excitement,

i want to take her to every nook and cranny of childhood i have left in this world

let her know the creature consigned to this body

how it has come to heel beneath her gaze

how deeply and embarrassingly and ardently she's been needed for longer than i've known her.

she worries she doesn't help me as much as i help her

as if that worry in itself isn't more care than any partner has ever treated me with

like there isn't care in every look she regards me with

as if i haven't slept better since meeting her than i have in years.

and it can be said,

hey man you met her in the same time as getting on some new meds, maybe correlation isn't causation?

the new antidepressant is called auvelity and it started working before i ever knew her name

gave me energy again and the ability to cry and i started cooking again

day by day wasn't a slog for the first time in years and i hadn't felt that good since high school

(as fucking terrible as high school was).

the whole world still dim like milky twilight, damp with humidity

the frogs and the crickets so loud (or maybe the walls so thin) that you can hear them standing in the center of the house.

the lights didn't turn on without her.

she wraps joy around me like a borrowed coat, sits me down in the living room and tells me about the future,

and for the first time, i can picture one with me in it

for the longest time that idea was so vague to me

the abstraction from self it took to imagine survival past day by day by unforgiving day

with her, i can imagine turning 25

26, 31, 45

if she's there, i want to be there too

and that's a lot to put on someone's shoulders

and i cannot be one more burden in her Atlas sky hands.

she'd tell me that i am not burdening her but stepping shoulder to shoulder with her, bearing the weight together

or she would tell me that i'm one of the reasons that all this tension is worth carrying

or she'd tell me that she's tired,

that she'd like to let go of the world and lay down with me,

and i would grab her hand and smile,

say fuck the world, come home with me

and in this imagining within an imagining

i picture how carefully she would set down the sky,

like placing a child back onto their feet

and how this is how she does everything,

with so much care it makes your chest ache

makes your eyes hurt

starlight girl supernova bright in my mind's eye,

my heartbeat catching on the lines of her smile.

sometimes, she and i sit looking at each other through cameras and phones and hundreds of miles

and i feel closer to her than any lover to ever touch my skin

there was an ocean between us and still that was true

four hours time difference we still found a way

i don't know what to do with a partner that actually thinks i'm worth the effort.

pushed out to sea by every moment i'm not with her,

pulled back in by the tide of her breathing,

my starlight girl moon in the sky,

and i the wrong kind of cosmonaut but enamored anyway,

there's not a way i can imagine this where i don't want to follow where she goes.

she's got one of those gaming computers with lights where lights truly do not have to be

it's colorful and whimsical and i'm sure that there's functional purpose

i want to build her the world with my own two hands but i imagine a computer like that might be easier

circuits and wires and logic and programming and ducks, from what i hear

i've never been for going about things the easy way anyway.

that's the scariest thing sometimes,

how easy things are with her

i'm used to loving folks like pulling teeth from my own mouth

service comes easy to me, gifts i can make,

but expressing love aloud has never been easier than when i'm pushing it past her lips

pouring love into her with lip and teeth and tongue

whisper her my love affair fire with smoke passed between our mouths

she breathes me in and i am taken in,

perfect and peaceful.

i'll never stop wondering why

she chose me but i'll choose her back every day if she'll let me

my sunshine, my north star

everything i need.

once, i told her that talking to her helps,

but I think I'll miss her til I have her in my hands, and every time she's not after that too

she says to me you say the most romantic shit sometimes,

asks me if she's supposed to be normal about it,

as if making her feel that way isn't the goal of my every sentence;

letting her know how special she is through words alone is impossible

but sometimes I get close.

sometimes i think she can feel just how badly I need her,

split seconds of oh, you love me flash of recognition on her face

as if loving her wasn't what I was made for,

as if the sound of her laugh isn't music to me,

as if I don't hang off her every story time run-on sentence,

her unique ability to circumnavigate her point so much that it's like she's telling ten stories at once,

I love that about her.

I love the way she needs me to know every single detail and every single reason and how she knows him and how they know them,

how she invites me into the house of her soul just as easily as the door opened to her,

I love how much she trusts me.

I love trusting her just as much.

my good morning texts to her always start the same way

good morning, starshine! the sun says hello!

a bastardization misremembrance of something my mother quoted to me as a child that tastes like home on my tongue,

the home I provide to her will always live more on love than anything else,

and as well as I can, I won't let her be lonely in the home we share.

I was a lonely kid, in a way

in the textbook for the psychology class I took the semester before I met her

there was a small definition of what autism is, which began with

autism is a disorder characterized by extreme aloneness,

the goal here to be able to communicate exactly how much people like me live in our heads more than our homes,

open door and song birds singing,

and i don't think i've ever looked into a two way mirror and saw myself so profoundly as in that simple sentence,

that deep well of loneliness bubbling within me so suddenly.

i've never liked learning new things in public

it takes me time to adjust to information, to incorporate things

i can play a good game when it comes to the gambit of conversation

adapt as quickly as i can and keep quiet while things slide into place in my mind

i've never met someone more understanding of the oddities in me than she is

never been able to ask for the space she gives me naturally

slow but not far

an arms length intimacy that we close the distance of when we're both ready,

i wonder if she loves figuring me out as much as i love the vice versa,

standing in that push and pull of learning every single thing about her,

letting the ocean tide bite at my ankles just for the pleasure of standing in the sea spray,

i've always loved the water but never like this.

my love for her ocean vast and trench deep,

i have no idea how to end a poem about her

i'll spend the rest of my life with her

and i still don't think i'll ever be able to properly form the words,

tell her exactly how much she means,

how much i need her.

so instead, i'll prop the door open

write her poem after poem after poem of hello i love you,

good morning, i love you

how did you sleep, i love you

did you get something to eat, i love you

drink some more water, i love you

let me take care of you, i love you,

and i will take her hand and i will give her the keys, say

this house is yours now

i know you'll treat it well.

#💞#poetry #poem #my poetry #as you can tell i do not remember my poetry tag but did y'all know that i love my girlfriend. now you do.#i love her so much <3 #mine

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