#girl ur so sad it's pathetic i say to myself

[atomiclace]

who knew that some agere people would be the worst type of people to exist (talking about you spinny)

[ickadori]

Im back, but listen hdhskkssk ITS NOT FAIRRRRRRRR especially bc when i first re found ur blog, i was suuuuper into ur yuuji stuff, i personally cant do poly bc im possessive AS FUCK so even tho i know ur suku x ura poly was extremely popular i never read it, and i think i rmb one thing u wrote with him and bloody knuckles getting head but LISTEN, kuna was never on my radar like that but this!!!!! What did u do to meeeeeee. I really loved the yuuji x mean reader where she was a sadist kinda and then yuuji would like tlk down to her and i loved ur 'kuna taking over yuuji' fics but this new one......you made it too unfair like yuuji is just a boy but kuna is all MAN omgggg and i try to steer clear of romance routes in this bc sukuna is a SLUT but (head in hands) he would help yuuji choose a promise ring for reader and the night she comes over and yuuji gives it to her, sukuna is there in the kitchen or smth when she goes for water and reader is like 🙄 outta the way, but sukuna slides over a box with a ring in it- so tasteful and elegant, clearly fuckin expensive, and it makes the tacky little thing yuuji gave you look pathetic in comparison STOP MEEEEE SOMEONE TAKE MY PHONE AWAYYYY PLS AND HE WOULD LOOK SO SERIOUS WHEN HE GIVES IT TO YOU AHHH HE ACTS LIKE ITS JUST SEX BUT HE CANT STOP THINKING ABT U 24.7

OK OK IM DONE I NEED TO STOP THIS MADNESS NOW

choso bbg anon (gaslighting myself)

YEAHHHHHHHHHH SUKUNA FKRS RISE not you switching sides bc he talked a little mean 🤭 hehe poor choso 😭

[cws] infidelity. fem reader.

-

“Are you sure you like it?”

“I love it, Yuji!” You grin, stretching up to plant a sticky kiss on his cheek as you say it. “I do, really. It’s so cute.” And it is! You hold your hand out, admiring the ring encircling your finger, and an excited shriek leaves you as you give him another kiss, this one landing on his lips instead.

He kisses you back instantly, arms locking around your waist as he gently sways the two of you back and forth. You break the kiss to smile at him, and he mirrors it easily, a faint pink hue settling in his cheeks.

“I’m glad you like it - I’ve been looking at rings for the past month! I wanted to make sure it was perfect for you.” Your stomach fills with butterflies at the soft look in his eyes. “Perfect ring for my perfect girl.”

“You’re such a cornball.” You tease, hands moving to rest against his biceps. They flex underneath your touch before relaxing. “Did your last girlfriend like that corny act?”

“Dunno, I don’t bother remembering any other girls but you.”

“Great answer.”

“Yeah? Great enough for another kiss?”

“Hmm,” you pretend to ponder it, lips quirking up into an amused smile when his eyes zero in on your mouth. “I guess so…it wouldn’t be nice after you’ve gotten me this ring and took me to such a nice restaurant, after all.” His hands slip from your waist down to your ass, and a soft gasp leaves your mouth when he grips it and hauls you up against him.

“Mm,” he hums and then his mouth is on yours. You playfully nip at his bottom lip, getting a grin and a breathy chuckle in return, and he nips you back in retaliation. You let out a dramatic ‘ow’, making a show of frowning your eyebrows up, and he bumps his nose against yours. “Sorry, baby, lemme kiss it better.” He pecks at your bottom lip once, twice, and then he’s pulling it into his mouth.

Your lower back meets the kitchen counter, and just as Yuji is moving to heft you up onto it, the sound of the front door being pushed open breaks the two of you out of your spell.

Yuji sighs, lips parting from yours with a sad pop, and you laugh under your breath at his dejected look. Sukuna rounds the corner to the kitchen a second later, and his gaze moves to Yuji first before sliding over to you. You immediately avert your gaze and turn your head, cheek nestling against Yuji’s chest as you give him a gentle nudge, signaling that you’re ready to retreat back to his room.

But, of course, Sukuna has to open his mouth and halt that process.

“You two going somewhere?”

“To bed.” You quip.

“Oh, your favorite pastime.”

Your head whips around to face him, eyes narrowed and lips turned down, and he smirks as he heads to the fridge. “You’re a real asshole, Sukuna. You know that?”

“Hey.” Yuji intervenes, and you huff before pulling out of his embrace, arms moving to cross over your chest. Sukuna eyes flicker down, beer now in hand, and snag on the ring on your finger.

“You gave it to her.”

“Just today.” Yuji grins, moving behind you to loop his arms around your shoulders, his chin resting atop your head. “Gave it to her at dinner - and she does like it, you dick. I knew she would.” He loudly kisses your cheek, and Sukuna keeps his gaze on you as he raises the can of beer to his mouth and takes a slow sip. He starts at your feet, at the strappy sandals that you decided to wear today, and then he moves up your legs, the skin bare due to the skirt you wear. He looks over your shirt, the way it cuts down low into your cleavage, and you shift on your feet as goosebumps blossom on your skin.

He finally settles on your eyes, and you swallow hard, body pushing back into Yuji as he pushes into you, a telltale sign of his arousal hot and hard against your lower back.

“Looks good.” Sukuna rumbles, eyes still on yours, and you flush under his attention, skin turning hot. Yuji kisses behind your ear and your skin burns hotter. “Real good.” He breaks the gaze to look at his brother, who’s currently too engrossed in trailing kisses across your skin to pay attention to what’s being said, and then he’s gone down the hall and into his room.

~

You finish rubbing in the last bit of your facial moisturizer and blow out a breath, your hands reaching above your head as you stretch. There’s an ache in your lower back, courtesy of your boyfriend, and you go to rub the spot as you pull open the bathroom door, intending to go back to his bedroom.

“Oh!” You jump at the sight of Sukuna on the other side, and he crowds you back in, hands on your waist as he pushes the door closed with his foot. “Ryomen, what’re you doing?” You hiss.

“Saying hey.” He murmurs, and then he’s swooping down to smack his lips against yours. The kiss is rough and fast, and you fight to keep up as he licks into your mouth, one of his hands sliding underneath his brother’s shirt and cupping you between your thighs.

“You come?” He pulls back from the kiss, teeth biting into the fat of your cheek, and your hands move to grab his wrist.

“Yeah.”

“You wanna come again?”

“Ye—no. Ryo, stop, he’s still awake.” He kisses at his teeth, palm mashing up into your panty covered cunt, and you moan into his ear. “Ryomen.” He lets out a grunt, and with another hard kiss he’s moving his hand from between your legs and into his pocket.

“I got you something.”

“Well, aren’t you sweet.” You take a step back, not trusting either of you to keep your hands to yourself, and you tug on the hem of the shirt you’re wearing, eyes taking in the way the muscles in Sukuna’s arms flex in his muscle tee.

His hand comes out of his pocket with a little black box, and your eyebrows shoot up when you recognize the brand as the same one that Yuji had just purchased your promise ring from. “I don’t want that.”

“Don’t give a fuck, you’re taking it.”

“No.”

He stalks towards you, and you smack at his hands as he moves to grab you. “No, I don’t want it. Do you know how disrespectful that is?”

“More disrespectful than me cumming in your ass?”

You gape.

He snags ahold of your hand, and you blink as he slides a ring on your finger, placing it right above Yuji’s. You don’t want to look at it, but you do, and you gape again, a soft call of his name leaving your mouth as you raise your hand to get a better look at it.

“…it’s…” Beautiful. And it is, and it makes you feel incredibly guilty, because Yuji’s ring is cute and pretty and you do like it, but this… “I really hate you.”

“Yeah?” He grins. “You must like it then.”

“I don’t.”

“You do.”

“I don’t, asshole.” You go to storm past him only for him to grab your bicep and tug you back. “Ryo—”

This kiss is softer, gentler, one he’s never given you, and it leaves you breathless and warm in the face when he pushes you toward the door. “Night.” He says, and you barely react when his palm makes contact with your ass. “Don’t stay up late - you’ve got an exam in the morning.”

“Huh? Oh. Okay. Goodnight.” You stand there dumbly, still stuck on the kiss along with the ring.

“Get out.” He pushes you again. “Dumbass.”

You snap out of it, giving him a nasty look as you do. “You’re the dumbass, dumbass.”

[mourninglamby]

this is so cringe to come in here and say this but I lay my sword down strip my armor off and admit to you that in 2021-2022 I was a c!dream apologist Im so sorry i learned media literacy u were right all along ( I never actively fought with or spoke bad abt u I think I actually still followed u for ur art I just like, quietly disagreed lmfao ) anyway I mean. It's probably mainly that I was 14-15 ( insane horrible thing to be ) and saw a dramatic emo guy that had a 'fall from grace' comparing his early dsmp days to his prison ones and it fueled more interest and therefore sympathy from me that in his kind of freaky evilness he was still like "waa but I miss my friends .. and ... cat 🥺🥺" anyway. That's my attempt at analyzing why I felt so passionately abt him being a sad boy, also it just felt cool to be contrarian, I don't know but it was. Stupid. Consider this vindication on ur part

I’m 100% sure it definitely was because u were young and naive lol. But I’m glad u don’t think that anymore … but to vent for a minute like.. idk I don’t understand how you could ever find something to woobify that wasn’t either manipulated by the character and/or obsession with the Real Guy who is also a fucking serial manipulator. who would have thought.

It’s really frustrating to talk to or even see c!dream apologists because the constant denial that he never cared about anything but victimizing ctommy because he’s a sick pathetic fucking freak is just so upsetting lmfaooo. It’s also creepy and makes me feel like Hope Is Lost and men who perpetuate abuse will always have power over the narrative, both in fiction and irl. scary fuckin boots.

Also “consider this vindication on ur part” girl …. Sorry but that’s really annoying lmfao. I don’t know why you former apologists feel the need to apologize NOW … idk the more I think abt this the angrier I am and I’d rather dream apologists just. Not say this stuff to me. Regardless of how much you’ve changed lol. Harsh but … I need to stand up for myself a bit here

[msookyspooky]

OH. MY. GOD.

i just finished terrible trilogy AND OH MY GOD set me up, sequels suck and terrible trilogy are SO FUCKING GOOD???? you got me hooked on every fucking word !! a fanfic has NEVER done that to me before !! i had to literally drag myself away from my computer and stop myself from clicking on the next chapter because i had things to do !! i mean hell my exams start a few days from now and for the last couple of days all i could think about was ur fic !! couldnt do anything other than read it and have it consume my brain!! i have so many thoughts and so many more things to say about this but ill have to wait till my exams are over and when they are rest assured i will be making a huge post about all of it !!! when i finished terrible trilogy i had to stop myself from starting four’s a franchise!!! i just i cant ur writing is so SO SO good it makes me go insane !!! and the way ur reader is so realistic!! like still emotional and a wreck but still strong, badass and strong-willed !! shes stronger than me FOR SURE cause after stu being a wet sad dog in the last chapter of terrible trilogy i wouldve taken him in but that’s probably why shes the final girl and im not

okay enough rambling i need to save my thoughts for that one huge post ill be making after exams

AAWWW STAHP YOU ARE SO SWEET FOR WRITING THIS OUT 🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤 I HAD THE BIGGEST SMILE WHILE READING THIS JUST-

OMFG ILY SM FOR WRITING THIS BC I NEED IT. LIKE, I PHYSICALLY NEED TO HEAR I DID A GOOD JOB BC I AM REALLY STRUGGLING WITH THESE LAST 2 OR 3 CHAPTERS OF FOURS A FRANCHISE BEFORE 5 GETS STARTED 😭😭😭🥺💘💝😤

I cannot!!! I'm so appreciative you like my writing because right now the dialog in the latest chapter of faf isn't hitting and I'm about to post it anyways so thank you for the lil confidence boost 💘🥺

Terrible Trilogy I wrote in both the worst and best year of my life idk how to describe it and looking back chapters really reflect that bc how YN felt at times, that hopelessness, is how I felt. Yet at times the way they all were joking and reminiscing on a happier time was also a mood in 22-23 when I wrote it.

But fr YN's emotional state was easy for me to write but irl I would've either gave up sooner or fell for Stu's manipulative ass ways! 🥲😃 Like, you love me??? Well that changes everything! C'mere pathetic wet dog boy you have a home now. (The dog bites and killed the neighbors 💖)

I hope your exams go well!! And when you do read Fours a Franchise I hope it's worth it it's angst filled but I promise you all 5 gets much better with a time skip 😭🖤

[im-so-tethered]

All prime number :3

ur a real bastard. putting a read more b/c there's too many. also some of these are sad and negative, sorry!!!

2: An embarrassing story: uhhh, there's so many. i have depression and anxiety that significantly impairs my ability to live a real life. my car got towed this week because i didn't use it for weeks and i skipped on going out to get groceries. i'm pathetic fr in a really sad way lmao. what a way to start!

3: A turn-on: i sometimes get full body shivers when ppl call me a good girl. i'm sure that doesn't say anything about me : )

5: Something I look for in a partner: they gotta love animals. you gotta be excited to go to a natural history museum with this bitch.

7: About my worst enemy: i don't have real enemies b/c i don't interact with anyone lmao

11: About my crush: uhhhh, there's too many cute girls out there to have just one crush 😔

13: About my siblings: they have always tried their best to help me out. i would've been homeless multiple times if not for them.

17: Something I dislike about my personality: there's too much to list, but how much i put myself down is one of them!

19: My favorite book: most of what i've read lately is history/anthropology audiobooks, and they're good, but idk if they're my faves... ever since i was a kid i rly liked the golden compass?

23: A talent I have: i always try to make ppl laugh. i'm not funny, but i'm goofy i guess

29: A childhood memory: the only times i remember things from my childhood it's a moment i play over and over in my head to make me feel bad/stupid about something. i can't think back and remember anything ever.

31: An embarrassing secret: idk i like having to hide my arousal when ppl are sexting with me and i'm talking to ppl like normal. i'm a freak ok!!!

37: My favorite non-video game: already answered

39: My favorite song: Bang! by Antarctigo Vespucci maybe? it's about being sad, but also not being sad and thinking about sex

41: I pet I have: my cat Tabitha! i love her even though she bites me

43: My favorite piece of clothing: I have a skirt that fits decent and it makes me feel good gender feelings

47: Who I want to punch: THE BITCH WHO SENT THIS, TYLER.

[pepprs]

goddddd im submitting p*etry to the campus l*terary j*urnal and. Lol ive barely written anything this yr and the only 2 poems that i think are (barely) decent enough to send in out of like. 30 viable ones are both uhhhhh Downers and i . don’t know what to do i need advice 😖 like they don’t move anywhere or say anything like mine used to it’s just stagnant sadness set to a rhythm or whatever and whell... im EMBEAREST!

[clarkegriffins]

idk how to explain this but the fandom really likes to make tons of headcanons based on their fantasies but then turn around and whine when it’s not how they want it (?) yes this is mostly abt steve (although the same cld be said for many others!) because i saw a twitter take that had 55k likes and i’m mad

like “that’s not steve harrington” or “steve would never do that they ruined him” is so weird because he’s a mom when y’all want it but when it doesn’t fit the narrative people created it’s suddenly ooc? he’s had major character development is smth ppl agree with but when that shines through in s4 it’s suddenly regression?? only because it’s through love and not always about babysitting? it’s as though ppl just want the characters to be stuck in a box with certain things they associate, and not rlly abt “character development” yk

yep, its annoying af, the fandom have a headcanon and when they dont happen they say that the character is acting ooc, no they're not, ur just crazy, people made "being a mom" steve's whole personality since 2017 and when he says that he wants a family u think is ooc? Only bc the girl that he ALWAYS loved is part of it? Nah the st fandom needs to stop living in headcanons, and this goes, for other shippers too.......if u know u know, u can ship WHATEVER u want but dont be a little bitch if that thing doesnt happen, when stancy broke up in s2 i was really sad but i accepted, i made peace with myself and moved on, seriously this fandom acts like they're 10 sometimes, it's pathetic

[miyagihawk]

for hawk

lover of mine - 5sos

it's a selfship anthem, bby!

the lyrics make so much sense

i love 5sos!!!! ty for the request :)

lover of mine | eli “hawk” moskowitz x reader

warnings: cursing, i think that’s it?

summary: based on lover of mine by 5sos <3

Lover of mine

Maybe we'll take some time

Kaleidoscope mind

Gets in the way

Your relationship with Hawk was more complicated than most.

You had to be patient with him. His mind was like a kaleidoscope; his thoughts were in intricate patterns that you could never comprehend. It amazed you, but it also frustrated you when you couldn’t understand him.

And when it seemed like you finally did understand, he would shift into new colors and you’d have to start all over again.

“I just- I don’t get you, Hawk! Why are you always lying to me?” you said loudly, already feeling exhausted from the argument.

“I’m not! You just never believe me!” he turned it on you. Like always.

You looked at him with a hard stare and crossed your arms. “Did you or did you not break Demetri’s arm?” you asked in a calmer, but still threatening tone.

You already knew the answer; everyone was talking about what happened in the laser tag room. But here Hawk was, denying it. You just couldn’t grasp why he hid so much from you.

When he stayed silent with his gaze not meeting yours, you sat on your bed with an exasperated sigh.“We should take a break,” you interrupted the quiet atmosphere, looking up at where your boyfriend stood in front of you.

“What?” Hawk finally met your eyes with a hurt expression.

You patted the spot on the bed next to you, and he sat reluctantly. “I’m just tired. We need a break Hawk.”

“We don’t need a break,” he protested quietly, and the subtle sadness in his voice was enough to make your heart pang with hurt.

Hope and I pray

Darling, that you will stay

Butterfly lies

Chase them away

He was scared. Even through all the countless arguments and lies, you never left. Now you were suggesting a break, and Hawk knows from seeing other relationships that they always just end in an actual break up.

In a weird way, you did want to scare him. Because he would never change if you didn’t. You hated the idea of a break, but maybe Hawk would finally stop lying to you if you showed him you were serious.

“It’s not a breakup,” you assured, because you knew what he was thinking. For once. “We just need time apart for a little bit. To think.”

“About what?” he asked defensively, starting to raise his voice again.

“You and I. We’re quite toxic, you know?” you contrasted his volume in a lighter tone, making his face relax and his lips turn up a bit.

His small smile dropped suddenly, replaced by an anxious expression. “Don’t leave me Y/N.”

Your heart dropped at his words, and you wanted to wrap your arms around him. To tell him you’d never leave and that it was all okay. But it wasn’t all okay.

You grabbed his hand instead, “You’re my best friend. I love you. But I need this, okay? We both do. Just some time to figure out how we can fix... us.”

“I can fix it now, we don’t need to take a break. Please. I’ll never lie to you again. I just- I hate disappointing you,” he pleaded, tightening his hand around yours, and you wanted to give in.

But you knew that letting this go on, this never ending cycle, would only end with the both of you in a huge crash and burn.

“You said that last time,” you gave him a sad smile. “Let’s just figure our shit out, and then come back better for each other. We need this Hawk.”

-

6 months later

Things didn’t end so well after your break with Hawk. After spending some time apart, you two were just never close again.

None of you planned for it to happen; you just drifted away from each other. And neither of you exactly established when the “break” would be over.

So for the next few months, you passed each other in the halls without any acknowledgment of the other’s existence. Of course you missed him, but not being with him just became the new normal. And you accepted it and pushed your feelings aside.

“So you’ll meet us there? You sure you don’t want the limo to pick you up?” your friend Cara asked from across the lunch table.

“Yeah don’t worry about me, Jesse’s picking me up,” you replied, making the rest of your friends wiggle their eyebrows teasingly.

“What happened to prom with the girls, Y/N? I thought we established no boyfriends during prom season,” Cara pouted playfully, and you elbowed her in the ribs.

“He’s not my boyfriend. He just asked me to prom and that’s it,” you corrected.

Your other friend jumped in, “And why not? Jesse is so cute.”

As she asked, your eyes trailed away from your friends and towards a certain someone with loud red hair, sitting across the room with his karate posse.

Your group noticed your lack of attention and turned to see what you were looking at. They sighed in unison, making you bring your focus back to them.

“He’s why, isn’t he?” Cara gave you an understanding smile and rubbed your shoulder comfortingly. “It’s okay. Just have fun tonight.”

You only nodded, giving your kind friends a soft smile of appreciation.

As much as you tried to convince yourself that you’ve moved on fully, the boy with a kaleidoscope mind would always have a place in your heart.

-

Where is he?

You paced around your living room anxiously, checking your phone for what seemed like the millionth time in the past hour.

You scrolled through the numerous texts you’ve sent, contemplating if you should send another one. Calling him wasn’t even an option; it went straight to voicemail everytime.

After an hour and a half, you gave up waiting and hoping that your prom date would show up. You flopped down onto the couch despairingly, replying to worried texts from your friends.

‘I’m not going to make it, just don’t worry about me. Have fun my loves.’ you typed, throwing your phone onto the floor right after.

You didn’t want to ask them to pick you up and ruin their night, and you were honestly too drained from being stood up to call an Uber.

So prom night ended up with you spread out on the couch with your outfit that you’ve planned out months ago, eating out of a carton of rocky road ice cream.

Honestly, it could’ve been worse. You could’ve been spending the night with an absolute jerk named Jesse. (a/n: so sorry if ur name is jesse lmao)

In the middle of your rom com movie marathon, an abrupt knock at the front door made you sit up from your pathetic, ice cream eating position on the sofa.

Immediately, you turned off the TV and tiptoed towards the door. You silently grabbed the baseball bat next to it, while squinting to see through the peephole.

Your stomach immediately dropped when you saw him.

Clad in a black suit, with a bouquet of your favorite flowers.

Shifting on his feet and chewing on his lip nervously, as he waited for you to open the door.

The boy you didn’t know you needed to see until now.

What is he doing here?

You covered your mouth in shock as you ran to the mirror to check if you had chocolate stains around your mouth. You smoothed down your hair and straightened out your dress in a frenzy, before unlocking the door with a deep breath in.

“Hawk?” you tried to act surprised, which wasn’t hard because your heart was racing.

He took a second to look at you in your wasted prom attire, and he was locked in a trance for a second before he snapped out of it. “Oh... uh, these are for you,” he held out the flowers to you and you took them with a smile.

“Wow, I love them. Thank you,” you brought them up to your nose for a whiff of your favorite floral scent. “So, what are you doing here?” you asked awkwardly.

“Oh crap, sorry, do you want to come in?” you said before he would answer, and you opened the door wider so he could step inside.

Hawk looked around the room where he’s been countless times, and he frowned at the sight of 13 Going On 30 paused on the screen with half melted ice cream on the coffee table. That movie plus the sweet dessert was your absolute comfort pairing, and it made him sad that you needed it.

“Cara texted me, and I was worried,” he finally spoke, answering your earlier question. You suddenly felt embarrassed as you placed the bouquet in a vase. You didn’t want to be pitied. Especially by your ex-boyfriend.

“I’m fine,” you said bluntly, busying yourself with the flowers so that you wouldn’t have to face him. You hadn’t talked to him since the night you suggested the break, and you already felt too exhausted from tonight’s events to even talk about it with him. “It’s better that I didn’t go to prom with that dick.”

Hawk chuckled at your remark, and you felt more at ease. The tension between you was thicker than an iceberg, and you didn’t know if you could handle it.

“So did you leave? Or are you just dressed up like that for me?” you smiled, sitting down on the couch where he followed.

He laughed again, lightening the mood even more. “I was there, but you know, Cara told me about what happened and... I just felt like I needed to come. It was lame though. The whole thing is just dancing. And I don’t dance,” Hawk explained, and you found yourself smiling at the thought of him caring about you. “But I know how excited you were about prom, so I thought I’d bring it to you. Some romantic shit like that.”

Your eyebrows raised at “romantic shit”, but you decided not to say anything about it. Although, it did make your cheeks heat up and you hoped he didn’t notice. “That’s really sweet Hawk. Thank you. Really,” you placed your hand on top of his, but you recoiled awkwardly because it felt too intimate, given the circumstances.

You cleared your throat, “So... since you’re bringing prom to me, does that mean I get a dance?” you got up and stood in front of him with your arms playfully crossed.

Hawk squinted his blue eyes at you, crossing his arms as well, “I don’t dance, remember?”

“For me you will, right? Or I could just, you know, dance by myself. It’s already been such a great night for me,” you teased, walking away from him towards a clear space in the living room.

He groaned from behind you and got up to follow, making you cheer happily. “For you I will,” he stated under his breath, releasing dozens of butterflies in your stomach.

Dance around the living room

Lose me in the sight of you

I've seen the red, I've seen the blue

Take all of me

You turned on your Dad’s old record player, where a slow, jazzy, 60s vinyl was spinning. You almost wanted to change it because it felt too romantic, but Hawk was already waiting behind you and you were scared he would change his mind.

The rush his presence gave you made you boldly put your hands on his shoulders, and he stiffly placed his own on the curve of your waist. Your hands were locked at the nape of his neck; his hold on you was light as if you were fragile china.

You forgot how intoxicating it felt to be this close to him, and you wondered how you went so long without that feeling.

The both of you swayed to the smooth melodies of Nina Simone with interlocked eyes, and with every second his hands on your hips became more relaxed. You rested your head on his chest, pulling him closer.

For a song or two, none of you said anything; there was just an unspoken appreciation of each other’s presence. After 6 months without him, you needed this.

I'll never give you away

'Cause I've already made that mistake

If my name never fell off your lips again

I know it'd be such a shame

When I take a look at my life

And all of my crimes

You're the only thing that I think I got I right

“I should’ve never let you go,” Hawk whispered close to your ear, sending a shiver down your spine.

“I was the one who wanted the break. It’s my fault,” you opposed, lifting your head up from his chest to look up at him.

He raised one of his hands to tuck a piece of hair behind your ear, and it brought a warm smile to your face. “But I didn’t chase after you,” his lips turned down into a frown.

You put your hands on the sides of his face while you two continued to sway to the staticky vinyl. “Maybe it’s both of our faults,” you laughed lightly, touching his soft skin.

“It’s me Y/N. I’m the one who lied to you throughout the whole relationship. I’m so sorry,” Hawk looked down at you with glossy eyes. “I’ve done so much fucked up shit. But you’re the only thing I got right. I hate myself for ruining it too.”

Your felt yourself melt at his confession. “It’s not ruined,” you disputed. “You aren’t perfect and I’m not either. I shouldn’t have given up on us. I’m sorry.”

He closed his eyes in peace as your hands ran through his bright hair. It was down from its usual style, giving him a softer look.

“Maybe we both messed up. But I’m never giving you away again Y/N. I won’t make that mistake. I love you,” the boy you’ve missed for months admitted, saying everything you wanted to hear.

You kissed him in reply.

a/n: ah idk if i like this but i hope u do, i feel like my writings are getting repetitive im having bad writers block (as u can tell by how slow im doing requests)

[sxrimz]

unsent messages part 2 you never cared

my first thoughts ~ hey it’s me you don’t really understand me i feel like you lied to me when you said you cared because the truth is you only care about me when it benefits u you only care about me when it makes you look like a hero you like fixing things but i’m broken beyond repair you cannot fix me i didn’t even ask you to fix me why would you think i’d want that?

what i wish i could tell you ~ when i’m sad you push me away you make me feel like it’s irrelevant like “oh yeah that’s just how she is“ and that makes me feel so bad about myself i wish you cared about me i hate to admit that but it’s true you know nothing about me most of the time it seems as if you’re not even interested in learning about me i hear ur promises i know you’re lying the truth is i’ve been really bad lately and i just need help i genuinely need help this is fucking my head up so much i want to be happy and i want to be okay but we both know i can’t control my emotions and how you treat me impacts me greatly what did i do to deserve this treatment i’ve been nothing but kind and yet i’m still not good enough

when will you care? the truth to that question is you never will no one will i will suffer until the end i will sit in my silence and contemplate everyday i tried i really tried and that wasn’t enough i hate myself so much but in those small moments you made me forget about it but now i’m seeing through all those illusions you just think i’m some pathetic broken girl and i mean fuck it you may just be right i never claimed to be perfect or even stable at that

now what? ~ now nothing you’ll never see this and i’ll just go along with everything because that’s who i am no matter how much you walk over me and hurt me i just take it because i don’t care about myself never did but then again i may just get fed up you take me as a fucking joke and i’m tired of it you wanna see me fucking snap i can you piss me off i want to take a knife and slice ur fucking throat you make me feel like shit YOU MAKE ME FEEL LIKE SHIT ILL SHOW YOU A PART OF ME YOU’LL WISH YOU DIDN’T SEE IVE BEEN ALONE IM SO AFRAID I AM ALONE I AM ALONE I AM ALONE I DID MY BEST NOT TO ACT LIKE THIS BUT HOLYY FUCK UR PUSHING MY FUCKING LIMITS YOU CAN SIT ON UR FUCKING HIGH HORSE BUT YOU’RE NOT BETTER THAN ME YOU’RE SIMPLY NOT IM NOT PATHETIC IM NOT SMALL AND I DONT DESERVE UR SHIT FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU YOU DONT KNOW SHIT ABOUT ME IM MORE THEN YOULL EVER BE AHHHHHHHHHHH IM GONNA EXPLODE YOU REALLY THINK? ID LET THAT SLIDE HUH? YOU REALLY THOUGHT? NAH UR FUCKING MISTAKING JUST BECAUSE I DONT SAY HOW I FEEL ALL THE TIME IT DOESNT MAKE ME WEAK I TRY TO NOT TO JUST TO PROTECT YOU BUT WHY THE FUCK AM I PROTECTING SOMEONE THAT DOESN’T GIVE A DAMN ABOUT ME I WANNA SEE YOU HURT I WANT EVERYONE TO FEEL JUST AS FUCKING BAD AS YOU MADE ME FEEL you fucking judged me and that wasn’t cool bro it hurt my feelings like i just try to be myself around you but i feel like you just judge me i see everything it’s all so clear to me you never cared and now i have to accept it ~ written by me sxrimz (check comments for more info on the unsent messages series 💞)

[wndrgrrl]

                    now playing ... ♫   “  𝙒𝙊𝙉𝘿𝙀𝙍𝘽𝙄𝙏𝘾𝙃  “

       𝐜𝐚𝐬𝐬𝐢𝐞 𝐬𝐚𝐧𝐝𝐬𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐤 + social media ... spotify account !

𝐓𝐀𝐒𝐊    #𝟎𝟏.   a look at cassie’s playlists   /   links +  meta under cut.

music is a major part of cassie’s day to day life,    as  it’s  the  main  method  she  uses  to  help  manage  her  emotions.   she’s  incredibly  poorly  adjusted  to  life,   not  to  forget  inherent  anger  issues  ( only  worsened   from  her  year  of  being  manipulated  by  ares )  , and uses  music  to  help  channel  her  feelings  when  they  become  too  much  for  her  to  handle.  her  other  coping  mechanism  is  violence,   which (  unfortunately  )  is  not  always  an option.

  she  has  playlists  for  every  person  and  every  occasion.  she  also  listens  to  them  exclusively  on  ipod  nanos,  she  has ... so,  so,  so  many  of them. however,  as  a reflection  of  her  emotions  she  never  shares  them  with  anyone.  and  never  lets  anyone  listen  to  music  with  her.  it’s  a  private  affair  and  how  she  communicates her  feeling,   it’s  like  a  little  diary  that  only  she  gets.   and  now ...   i will expose her. 

𝗽𝗹𝗮𝘆𝗹𝗶𝘀𝘁 𝟭:    liked  songs.    (    aka.   the  main  playlist.  )  /  60  songs. -  songs  that   cassie  simply  just  vibes  with  /  whether  for the  lyrics,  meaning,  or  melody --  these  are  just  her  go to fave  songs.   

𝗽𝗹𝗮𝘆𝗹𝗶𝘀𝘁 𝟮: god sent me as karma.   (  the  workout / bad bitch jams. )  /  16 songs. -  the songs  cassie  uses  in  her  workout  classes   /  self  defense  classes  or  when  she  really  needs  to manifest  the  right  vibes.

𝗽𝗹𝗮𝘆𝗹𝗶𝘀𝘁 𝟯: mind your business.  (  u wanna talk about repressed feelings babes? ) aka. fuck u athena / 18 songs. - when a guy has you tearing out ur hair and you kind of want to scream and kind of want to tear out your hair and kind of want to wallow in your self-depreciation of never feeling you’ll be good enough.  ft.  a song  breakdown of the first 10 songs because these lyrics do be hitting !! it is embarassing how dow bad she is, yes.

01.   good  girls  don’t  get  used  /  (  if you adore me, why do you ignore me? i liked it better when you sent me "sorry" when i was sad.  stop saying, "it's my bad" you're acting like your deadbeat dad  )   02.  don’t  delete  the  kisses  /  (  and i like you, and i'll never let it show and you won't wait, and maybe i won't mind i work better on my own and now i'm home, a little bit drunk and i ask myself what if it's not meant for me? love )  03.  bored&blind / ( honestly, i'm kinda burned out i've been waitin' so long i guess i've just been watching your mouth try to form the words of a love song )  04. unrequited love & other cliches /  (  i guess i'm a fool, you're so tricky i really believed you were into mei guess you fooled everyone )  05.  achilles heel / ( loving you's my achilles' heel drop my guard when you're with me, i can't deal i just hate when i walk on these pins and needles i want to kill this achilles' heel ) 06. i shot cupid / ( you broke my heart when i told you not toand now i keep on crying in the bathroom and in the club too, it's like a monsoon i wanna hate you (hate you) ) 07. want me  ( i wish i thought that i was pretty so that i could turn you on i had a dream you called me pretty and i told you you were wrong / i'm twenty something so i tell myself to just grow up ditch my pathetic fascination with this unrequired love ) 08.  the knack  (  so, tell me how to do it tell me how to love like that does it take a lot of practice? or do you gotta have the knack? )   09.  bodybag  / ( don’t  know if i hate you or want to date you wanna kiss you on your cheeks but also punch in your teeth. )

[ndiecity]

idk ur still doing the confessions thing but anyway. it's not really wild or anything, i just needed to get it off my chest lol (you can ignore this if you want this gets pretty long and confusing i think so buckle up)

also shoutout to the 6th grade anon, i had a similar 6th grade exp. middle schoolers are the worst. i literally had little no friend AND was bullied lol.

anyway there was this one girl in my class that was like a sorta popular girl i was friends with. so during 6th grade, i had no friends except for her (i dont think she saw me as a friend tho or were even friends in the first place?? idk) and i would always crave her attention. i didn't know i had a crush on her i think.

(side note: i would rate the girls in my class based on how pretty and nice to me they are, (i think i put her on 2nd lol))

so then whenever she was absent for the day i would feel sad and all that shit. whenever she was around i always do anything to please her or make her think im cool or something (i was not cool, i was a loser). we would talk endlessly on messenger, talking abt random shit, how shitty her mom was, how shitty my mom was etc. one time during our first class for the day (which was about 5am i think) she was acting weird, i asked her about it, she said her stomach hurt. so me, being all lovesick and shit gave her my lunch ( i didn't have lunch money and only had sandwiches lol) when she thanked me for it, and said she felt better, i felt so proud. idk i just felt so happy then

fast forward to end of 6th grade, we were graduating. by that i mean transitioning from 6th grade to 7th grade. anyway. so we graduated, kept in touch, still messaged her on messenger, and then school got in the way and my phone got taken away cuz i failed sum classes in the 2nd quarter. never had it back since. so we didnt talk for about 4 years.

so back in 2020, my parents got me a laptop for school, and i made a new mess. acc. i reached out to her again. we talked, talked abt shitty moms, i found out she's bi and i told her im a lesbian. after a few days i asked her if she'd ever had a gf or bf or whatever (like the idiot i was) and said she didnt have to answer if she didnt want to obvi. she said yes she's had bf's before. i said, cool. then she asked me why i was asking i told her i was just curious.

then came out of nowhere, she said, "wanna try?" so then my brain shut off and i didnt reply for minutes then she just sent a "haha"

and she was like, "oh sorry was that weird? sorry😬"

but i said it was fine and shit. we didnt talk about it for about a day.

then we were talking again and i was like, "so this is gonna sound weird but do you ever like, like someone and would want a romantic relationship with them but wouldn't like, mind being their friend instead? like youre in the middle?"

and she said "yeah, i have" so then i was like "oh cool, cool"

then she asked, "why? have you?" and i said yes.

then she asked who. and my brain shut off again lmaoo so i was just like "you" the speech bubble appeared multiple times lmao then i followed up with like, "sorry! that was weird! please just forget about it!"

then she was like, "no no, it's fine. i feel the same way" (and i beliived it. how naive was i?)

so then i was like, "really?? cool cool cool" (im a really awkward person okay)

then after a few minutes of talking again (you know when you're like flirting as a joke but then it's not a joke anymore? lol) she was like, "so wanna be my gf?"

my brain shut off again. i didnt answer for a few minutes cuz my brain was dead. then she was like, "um was that too fast? that was too fast sorryy"

by the time i read that my hand was shaking lmaoo (from nervousness or shock i dont know) so i hastily replied with, "nah its fine. i would love too" after overthinking it and shit

does dating count when your just talking over text? what is dating????

anyway we flirt a lot, saying goodnight, i love you's and shit. she said i was her first gf, i said she was my first relationship and what not. i was genuinely happy. i had a person who understood me, and liked me, and i was happy. she even said she saved my bday on her phone

so then like about a week and a before my bday was when shits started to go down.

i messaged her, said a quick goodmorning cuz i had classes and how i wanted to kill myself and shit like that (dont worry, im not actively suicidal and she already knew this) she replied and i quote "Good morning, love. I love you."

then like after classes, i messaged her, asked how her day was, told her about my day etc. i waited about an hour. (she doesnt typically reply for about 10 - 15 minutes cuz duh she does have a more eventful life than mine) so i thought none of it. thought she was just busy. so it was nighttime and still no word from her. so i said good night and wished for her to be safe.

morning came, i checked my messages, still nothing, she didnt even see it yet. i went on with my day thinking nothing of it. told myself she might have some problems at home and all that. by the 3rd day, i was pretty anxious and i couldnt think properly. my brain conjuring up scenarios where her mom found out, and her phone got taken away. anything just to convince myself what the dreaded truth was.

it was the 5th day was when i gave up. i saw she changed her pfp, and captioned it like she would normally caption it. replied to the comments, that kind of shit. so then i was so mad by then so i commented too. ofc she didnt reply. i spent days worrying over her safety, when in reality she's just an asshole. and i really thought she really like me you know? i really thought she'd at least considered me as her friend, i guess not

my bday came, we had a party but i wasn't really feeling it ya know? by then i'd already spent the past week crying myself to sleep. no one noticed a thing.

a few months ago i saw she had a bf, and by that time i already felt like my old self again, no longer the broken pathetic shell she left. i was back to square one. so i cried again.

present day, i still see her posts, her ig stories, (i dont think she blocked me). and i cant bring myself to block her either. like idk on one hand i'm so mad that she just left me hanging, that her relationship with her new bf lasted longer than we were together and on the other i knew if she ever reached out again, i would latch on to every inch of her. (that's probably bad lol)

anyway have a nice day/afternoon/night!!!! i hope i havent troubled you too much lol sorry!

Damn that's a lot to take in, I'm sorry 😔

[amwritesitall]

Sally McKenna Playlist

Masterlist

I listen to this playlist so much it’s just ahh. As of the time I’m writing this, this bad boy is almost exactly 3 and a half hours long

Occasional little blurbs under the songs that are... interesting

Playlist link

“R U Mine?” by Arctic Monkeys

I go crazy 'cause here isn't where I wanna be And satisfaction feels like a distant memory And I can't help myself, all I Wanna hear her say is "Are you mine?" Well, are you mine?

How could I not put some Arctic Monkeys for Sally. They scream Sally vibes.

“The Cult of Dionysus” by The Orion Experience

I'm feeling devious You're looking glamorous Let's get mischievous And polyamorous Wine and women and wonderful vices Welcome to the cult of Dionysus

At first this song might seem a little weird, but it is quite the banger once you get into it

“I Miss Having Sex But At Least I Don’t Want To Die” by Waterparks

I miss having sex but at least I don't wanna die anymore And I think that's pretty cool I miss seeing the red on your face when I made you blush, hey But I think it's fine, it's cool

This song is such a mood I can’t even. 

“summer depression” by girl in red

Pretty face with pretty bad dreams No one knows i cry in my sleep Waking up feeling like shit It's a normal thing to feel like this

I don't care I'm feeling down I wanna stay home Never go outside Summer depression comes every year I just want to disappear

Do you listen to girl in red because I sure do

“OK” by Wallows

I'm getting too close You say you love me most It's hard to trust it even though I want to Need to get this shit out of my head Before I flip this on myself instead

I’m in an unofficial girl band called Sugar Tits and this is one of the songs we’re going to cover. I feel like Sally would appreciate this.

“505″ by Arctic Monkeys

I'm going back to 505 If it's a seven hour flight or a forty-five minute drive In my imagination you're waiting, lying on your side With your hands between your thighs

Stop and wait a sec Oh, when you look at me like that, my darling What did you expect? I probably still adore you with your hands around my neck Or I did last time I checked

This song SCREAMS Sally and I stand by that

“Gold Dust Woman - 2004 Remaster” by Fleetwood Mac

Did she make you cry Make you break down Shatter your illusions of love And is it over now do you know how Pick up the pieces and go home.

I can’t not put a Fleetwood Mac song

“Dontmakemefallinlove” by Cuco

I don't think I'm meant to be with you I don't wanna make you sad All the time just feeling bad Girl, don't make me fall in love with you I don't think I'm right for you I'm just disappointing you

Angsty Sally not feeling good enough

“Prom Queen” by Beach Bunny

Teach me how to be okay I don't want to downplay my emotions They say beauty is pain You'll only be happy If you look a certain way

Sally vibes, man

“3 Nights” by Dominic Fike

Three nights at the motel Under streetlights In the city of palms Call me what you want, when you want, if you want And you can call me names if you call me up

Hotel Cortez love affair with our girl Sally

“Marlboro Nights” by Lonely God

I don't wanna go to school tomorrow I can't study Thinking about you And you know I always do I don't wanna go to sleep tonight when I can stay up Thinking about you And you know I always do

This is teen Sally and it is not up for debate

“Paper Thin Hotel” by Matt Maltese

I listened to your kisses at the door I never heard the world so clear before You ran your bath and you began to sing I felt so good I couldn't feel a thing I stood there with my ear against the wall I was not seized by jealousy at all In fact a burden lifted from my soul I learned that love was out of my control

A lot of these songs I have cried to and thinking about angsty Sally makes it even harder not to cry. Picture poor Sally being trapped in the Cortez and having to witness someone she love be with another person. How can you not be sad thinking about that?

“Lonely Eyes” by The Front Bottoms

You've got me stuck to where I'm sittin' Lookin' at your eyes And I know I'm so pathetic I wouldn't move to save my life And they tell me that you're lonely It's no surprise When you walk around all day wearing those Lonely, lonely, lonely eyes

Lonely bb

“me & ur ghost” by blackbear

I'm not alone It's just me and your ghost And this cripplin' depression I thought I learned my lesson But, I threw out my phone And I burned all your clothes And now I'm not alone It's just me and your ghost

You could take this literally or metaphorically. I’d argue that it works either way.

“Cigarettes On Patios” by BabyJake

I was smoking cigarettes on patios I was throwing money in the air Maybe I should pick that shit back up Bet my night on love Here we go again

This song is extremely repetitive, but the vibe fits.

“Sex n’ Drugs” by Abhi The Nomad

Born faceless Please save me My soul's tainted It's how I've been born I've worn patience Please save me I'm more tasteful than ever before

Sally’s theme song and overall lifestyle

“Foreplay” by Jalen Santoy

First they tell you that they love you Then they ask where you coming from Like you the only one feeling how you feeling Then you lie just to make it sound appealing

I love you The things that cross my mind while I'm by myself I hate you These things go through my mind while I'm by myself I fuck you These things run through my mind while I'm by myself Well fuck you It's always on my mind, think I need some help

Find me vibin’ to this. Sally dealing with fake ass bitches.

“hot girl bummer” by blackbear

Fuck you, and you, and you I hate your friends and they hate me too I'm through, I'm through, I'm through This that hot girl bummer anthem Turn it up and throw a tantrum

Hot girl summer Sally

“1 SIDED LOVE” by blackbear

You're too busy talking over me to hear what I'm saying You're too high to realize I see Through the smile that you're faking You're so into yourself Everyone else is overrated And everything's changing Is your heart worth breaking?

I could cry to this. Actually now that I think about it, I have cried to this and Sally would too.

“Easier” by 5 Seconds of Summer

Is it easier to stay? Is it easier to go? I don't wanna know, oh But I know that I'm never, ever gonna change And you know you don't want it any other way

An angry vibe

“Wrong” by Ally Hills

I can't keep on living with a delicate mind If I make a coffee, can we act like we're fine? When we were tangled in the sheets And waking up in our bed 'Cause now you strangle me in my sleep And I wake up with you in my head

Oh oh Oh oh I thought you loved me

A sad post break up vibe

“Space” by Ally Hills

You don't even care that my clothes aren't there. You needed the hanger space. You don't even mind 'cause you don't waste time Filling in all the blanks.

I wish you were sad for a day so you would know how it tastes to be lonely I wish you would stay in for a night to see what it's like fading slowly

Another sad post break up vibe

“Liability” by Lorde

Baby really hurt me Crying in the taxi He don't wanna know me Says he made the big mistake of dancing in my storm Says it was poison So I guess I'll go home Into the arms of the girl that I love The only love I haven't screwed up She's so hard to please But she's a forest fire

Ok, but try to listen to this song while sad and not cry??? I could cry to this even if I’m not sad. It just comes on and I’m like “yeah bitch I am a liability.”

“All Girls Are The Same” by Juice WRLD

Ten minutes, she tell me it would take ten minutes To break my heart, oh no she didn't Fuck livin', I'ma drown in my sorrow Fuck givin', I'ma take not borrow And I'm still sinnin', I'm still losin' my mind I know I been trippin', I'm still wasting my time All the time given, am I dyin? Am I livin'? It's fuck feelings, my sorrow go up to the ceilin'

Heartbroken gal

“The Louvre” by Lorde

I am your sweetheart psychopathic crush Drink up your movements, still I can't get enough I overthink your p-punctuation use Not my fault, just a thing that my mind do

A rush at the beginning I get caught up, just for a minute But lover, you're the one to blame, all that you're doing Can you hear the violence? Megaphone to my chest

CRASHING INTO LOVE WITH RECKLESS SALLY

“Writer In The Dark” by Lorde

Break the news, you're walking out To be a good man for someone else Sorry, I was never good like you Stood on my chest and kept me down Hated hearing my name on the lips of a crowd Did my best to exist just for you

Bet you rue the day you kissed a writer in the dark Bet you rue the day you kissed a writer in the dark Now she's gonna play and sing and lock you in her heart Bet you rue the day you kissed a writer in the dark

Angsty song writer Sally

“Sims” by Lauv

I wish that you and I lived in the Sims We could build a house and plant some flowers and have kids But we're both at some trashy Halloween party downtown And I'll probably never see you again I wish that we lived on a VHS I'd erase the things I said and that I'll probably say again Hit rewind on all the times I got lost in my head But I guess I'll never see you again I'll probably never see you again

Ok hang with me for a second here. Sally leaving the Cortez in her one night of freedom. She meets someone at a Halloween party and they hit it off, but she doesn’t think to get her contact information or anything, so she spends the next year thinking of seeing the mysterious girl again.

“Everybody Talks” by Neon Trees

It started with a whisper And that was when I kissed her And then she made my lips hurt I could hear the chit chat Take me to your love shack Mamas always gotta back track When everybody talks back

Sally can take me to her love shack anytime

“prom dress” by mxmtoon

I can't help the fact I like to be alone It might sound kinda sad, but that's just what I seem to know I tend to handle things usually by myself And I can't ever seem to try and ask for help

I'm sitting here, crying in my prom dress I'd be the prom queen if crying was a contest

The last line screams teenage Sally, but also Sally now too?

“i hope your whole life sux” by blackbear

The truth yeah, is I've been up for days on cocaine The truth is I've been up for days tryin' not to think about you I hope that I'm the reason that you can't sleep I hope that your whole life sucks without me The truth is I've been up for days thinkin' 'bout you

Unhealthy coping mechanisms from our favorite druggie

Please don’t do cocaine. Cocaine ruin yo brain.

“Teeth” by 5 Seconds of Summer

Some days, you're the only thing I know Only thing that's burning when the nights grow cold Can't look away, can't look away Beg you to stay, beg you to stay, yeah Sometimes, you're a stranger in my bed Don't know if you love me or you want me dead Push me away, push me away Then beg me to stay, beg me to stay

Spicy Sally

“Fuck Up” by Tana Mongeau

'Cause I'm a fuck up, and I'm so fucked up And all these voices in my head won't shut the fuck up 'Cause I'm a fuck up, and I'm so fucked up And it's 5 p.m. and I just woke the fuck up

This song is me, but also Sally. 

“hell is where i dreamt of u and woke up alone” by blackbear

I'm in need of moderation Nah, I need a fucking break 'Cause I just railed down enough lines tonight To spell your first and last name

And it's all because I dreamt of you And woke up alone What a wonderful tone To bring you back home

I don’t even do cocaine, but this shit strikes something within me

“Idfc” by blackbear

Tell me pretty lies Look me in the face Tell me that you love me Even if it's fake 'Cause I don't fucking care, at all

Just tell Sally you love her

“Weekend” by Club House

I know you always say that you're alright But then you want to talk on the low And if you wanna a break, baby we can Hit the rooftop all alone Let me make you smile, baby all night Fuck around maybe get stoned You know that we can do it every weekend But you just wanna talk on the low

Care free loving with Sally

“Supplier!” by Crisaunt

Baby girl All of this fighting got me tired All this love that you desire All this effort you require I cannot be your supplier

I’m pretty sure I put this on here for vibes

“Model Student” by Grady

Growing up, i got used to laughs Suddenly JanSport really had my back I came into the world an outcast I didn´t dress the same I didn´t act the same But the popular kids Peaked around 17 And the only peaking i did Was looking for a fuck to give

Sally doesn’t give a fuck

“Life Inside” by Verzache

My life inside Wish I could get out and go ride a bike Head in the wind, and know what it's like And wear my ones like we did all the time Please, don't remind me 'bout my life inside I waste on my phone, sleep most the time Wake up to texts from girls I used to like Try not to text back, the light hurts my eyes Smoke 'til I'm knocked out

Trapped in Hotel Cortez Sally

“Haunt You” by Social House

Better off this way but I want you, want you, want you Sometimes I just wanna fucking Call you, call you, call you Never thought something beautiful could Haunt you, haunt you, haunt you

Shout out to @make--your--life--spectacular​ for telling me about this song because it is really good and fits Sally’s vibes

“if i could i would feel nothing” by blackbear

Underneath it all the truth is that I Really feel like shit I'm so sick of being tired I'm so tired of being sick

Post breakup Sally

“Crash and Burn” by Marc E. Bassy

Girl, we got some dangerous minds Every time we bring them together Nothing can take us off this ride Maybe we'll crash and we'll burn together

Sally is a crash and burn together kind of gal

“STFU” by mansionz, Spark Master Tape

Shut the fuck up right now and let me breathe Shut the fuck up right now, let me do my thing Slow down, slow down, slow down Quit hitting my phone up, quit hitting my phone up Quit hitting my phone, slow down

Annoyed Sally vibes

“fuck, i’m lonely” by Lauv, Anne-Marie

Fuck, I'm lonely, I'm lonely, I'm lonely as Fuck, come hold me, come hold me, come hold me It's been me, myself, and why did you go, did you go? Oh, fuck, I'm lonely, I'm lonely, I'm lonely, lonely, 

I miss those nights when you would come over Spent all night just tryna get closer That was June and now it's October I don't want, don't wanna get over

Fuck, Sally’s lonely

“If You’re Too Shy (Let Me Know)” by The 1975

"Maybe I would like you better if you took off your clothes I'm not playing with you, baby I think that you should give it a go" She said, "Maybe I would like you better if you took off your clothes I wanna see, and stop thinking If you're too shy, then let me Too shy, then let me know"

Sally is the “she” you speak of

“Instead of My Room” by Charlie Burg

We are simpatico Don't wanna let you go I wanna get to know (I wanna go out and see the new Star Wars with you) Play me another song I want to sing along Give my a melody (I heard the Hunger Games wasn't as good as the book)

Teen vibes, but also parts of this are talking about music and music is definitely a love language for Sally

“pharmacy” by Isaac Dunbar

Mmm, hurt me I kind of developed a taste for it Mmm, hurt me I want the pain between my lips

Feed it to me softly From your purple and blue fingers Constricted to only you To whom I seem to linger See me climb too high You cut the vine you had to hinder me

Prescribe yourself to me You're the only remedy Have me begging on my knees You're my pharmacy

Sally is into this and you can’t tell me any differently

“Daze Inn - Acoustic” by Carlie Hanson

We spent last night trippin' at the Daze Inn Lost in time like we got on a spaceship Tell me all your dreams when you wake up Carry me from the pool to the bathtub

Daze Inn = Hotel Cortez

“Last Nite” by The Strokes

Last night, she said "Oh, baby, don't feel so down Oh, it turns me off When I feel left out" So I, I turned round Oh, baby, gonna be alright It was a great big lie 'Cause I left that night, yeah

V I B E S

“Lonely Times” by Hot Flash Heat Wave

Lemme tell ya a little story fresh out of my dormitory I didn't know where things were going City lights felt like drowning in the ocean Late nights lying in my bed with all these thoughts swimming through my head Lonely times drifting in my dreams, I feel alright when I'm drifting, I’m drifting

Sally reminiscing on her times before the Cortez

“blackboard.edu” by Arlie

Don't listen to me I just need a good night's sleepAnd you keep me up all night Can't talk right I'm fallin' in my clothes And even though I'm feeling like death I can't be upset 'Cause I finally know

If you can’t tell, I love teen AUs

“7PM” by Lilacs, Lizzy McAlpine

I'm losing my mind I'm reading the news for the hell of it I'm wondering if she's on your mind Losing track of time I'm learning to cook for the hell of it And I'm wondering if she's by your side Tonight

Trapped in the Cortez and can’t go out and be with anyone

“i’m so tired...” by Lauv, Troye Sivan

I'm so tired of love songs, tired of love songs Tired of love songs, tired of love Just wanna go home, wanna go home Wanna go home, whoa

Sick of them damn love songs

“So Alright, Cool, Whatever” by The Happy Fits

How could you ever really know? If you never look You don't know what you'll find I've got an effervescent glow If you'd show me all the dark parts of your mind.

I wanna be with you. I wanna be with you. I wanna be barely hangin' on. 

Sally falls HARD

“Kilby Girl” by The Backseat Lovers

I overheard that she was 19 with a fake ID and a nose ring Those kind of girls tend to know things better than I do And I'm dying to figure out what she's hiding She's playing it cool but she's lying, better than I do

TEEN SALLY

“New Girl” by FINNEAS

I wanna scratch your surface I wanna feel your groove I wanna be your needle I wanna lick your wound You wanna play with fire? Stick and poke tattoo? You wanna play, my new girl? I wanna play with you

The energy, the presence, the vibes

“Chicken Tenders” by Dominic Fike

We settled but it never felt right 'cause we can't keep still And we try to fight the way everything feels When we step out of line I met your gaze and it was love that we were makin' And she spoke a different language There was no need for translation And I ordered chicken fingers to my room, girl But we got some things to do first

This song is something that’s for sure

“no friends” by mazie

I don't have no fucking friends Don't have fun, I don't break hearts I don't have no fucking friends

If less is more then I'm doing the most I'm so bored, and I feel like a ghost I don't wanna smoke no more 'cause I'm broke And my window won't open God, my life is a joke

Sally is lonely and needs love

-

You might like:  Poems that Remind Me of Sally McKenna or Cordelia Goode Playlist

[ziracona]

So last night I wound up reading Amanda's wiki and It made me kind of sad for her, because it very much sounds like she was suffering from stockholme syndrome of a kind there, to me, atleast. Which makes me wonder, what do you think of the pig/amanda? What's your Amanda like in your stories? Do you think she had any potential for redemption (with A LOT of work)? I guess I just wanna hear your thoughts on her character because ur always rly good at it?? - Sleepy

Yeah, whoever wrote the Saw wiki loves Amanda and hates Hoffman and it’s genuinely hilarious. They make a lot of assumptions (like that her motive for killing Adam after he won his game was mercy killing, which is a throughly unconfirmed opinion), and use the most sympthetic & extreme language possible. I’ve watched all the Saw films, and as a character, Amanda is a very enjoyable villain, but as a person? She’s a truly awful human being. (Side note—this typed last— So, mentioning certain Saw characters sends me flying into a rage like a D&D berserker, so this is gonna get angry as hell, but 0 of it is at you. I love you. This is at the Jigsaw squad. WHO I FUCKING HATE. Ahem. Anyway. Felt like the level of unbridled and sudden fury needed a heads up lol.) It’s not Stockholm syndrome. In Saw one, she’s a victim who is put in a reverse beartrap and forced to either die, or cut the key out of the stomach of a paralyzed by drugs but very alive (which she knew) other kidnap victim, whom she cut open and killed. After enduring that trauma and barely surviving, she immediately accepted John’s offer to join him. She was not forced, she was not tricked. He asked, and because she wanted to feel special and important, she agreed to inflict suffering she knew goddamn well the horrible level of on others first hand, and went willingly. She is self-centered to her core, and became dependent on and infatuated with John, and obsessed with his approval. She kidnapped Adam and Lawrence with him, who were kidnapped for fuckall reason (literally John just thought photography was pathetic) and for almost cheating on his wife (lol this was John’s ‘stated’ reason—his real reason was John is the world’s pettiest bitch, and Lawrence was the doctor who told him he had cancer. I’m not fkn kidding he’s that level of petty self-absorbed, self-righteous bastard) respectively. Then killed Adam after he won his game, which should have given him freedom but John reneged on like he always does like the pissy little bitch he is, Amanda killed him for reasons up to speculation. However, given John usually tests people who win a second time or tries to get them to join or some bullshit, it’s more plausible to assume her motive was seeing him as a threat than that it was mercy killing, and it’s only stated in-film to be an emotion based decision, not her actual movtive. Everyone’s opinion on this action is just that—opinion. With varying degrees of factual basis behind the educated level of educated guess.

In Saw 2, she helps John kidnap a bunch of drug addicts like herself who all got false arrests by the same officer at one time or another, along with a poor fucking 15 year old whose crime is having that cop for a dad. She then spent the next two hours watching people whose only crime was drug use, like herself, die horribly of organ deterioration, knowing at any time she could have stopped it and saved them all because she knew how to get the antidotes. Bitch even holds one girl in her arms and stokes her head and pretends to care about her while she hacks up deteriorated lung and blood and fucking dies, when at any moment she could have chosen to let her live. Literally no one should be more sympathetic to them than her. She knows how addicted to drugs feels, and the help you need. Anyway, she doesn’t, she lets them die and plays with them, and then when it’s to her, the 15 year old—who multiple times saves or helps her when hurt by other participants, and is nothing but kind—and one other man, the man shows up to kill her to get an antidote, and the poor fucking 15 year old child kills him with a saw to save her, traumatizing himself to a breakdown afterwords, and instead of being even thankful, she attacks and knocks him out, ties him up and attaches an oxygen tank so he won’t suffocate, and locks him in a fucking like tiny ass safe to be a game piece for another trial and leaves him there. His dad, who admittedly needs to serve jail time but isn’t a fucking murderer at least & does love his son, shows up distraught looking for his kid he’s afraid is dead, and she sneak attacks and takes him down, then leaves him chained up in a nasty lost bathroom to starve slowly to death, and doesn’t even do him the decency of telling him his kid isn’t dead. When he breaks his foot to get free and comes hobbling wounded after her, she sneak attacks again and he nearly wins, but she fucks up his broken foot and starts to leave, then comes back and beats him (she thinks) to death becuase he said she would never be Jigsaw, and she’s that petty and proud. Kid never gets to know what happened to his dad, and even alive, will definitely die young from the complications one, you know, gets from almost dying of chemical organ deterioration.

In Saw 3, the main victim is a man whose kid was lost in a hit and run. Jigsaw has Amanda kidnap his wife because she’s a surgeon and also was once not as sympathetic as he thought she should be when talking to him about his cancer at the hospital (I’m not even fucking exaggerating—side note, I will beat John Kramer to death myself with my huge fucking meat fists and laugh as I watch his bones crumble to dust). This poor bitch just lost a kid, then separated from her husband because he was a fucking mess consumed with revenge against the poor college kid who accidentally hit his son & totally withdrew from the world, and she wakes up with a collar filled with shotgun shells basically a 360 gun blow off your head collar deal on, and Amanda wheeling her around in the wheelchair she’s tied to. They tell her if she keeps John alive until the person being tested finishes his test, she can go free. The whole movie, Amanda keeps trying to convince John to kill the poor woman even though she complies just because she’s a throughly selfish, petty, conceited, self-pitying bastard with no regard for others, and wants this “Bitch” to die for fun. She feels she’s a threat for John’s attentions, and John isn’t even romantically inclined toward her, but she’s obsessed and doesn’t care. Amanda decides between Saws 2 and 3 that people aren’t fixable—even though she herself was supposedly “helped” by her Jigsaw game and this is hypocritical as fuck—and just starts straight up fucking torture murdering for fun. To the point even John thinks she has to be stopped. Like if John fucking Kramer thinks you’ve gone to far? Jesus help you because no one else can. She still does the torture, but instead of like, chopping off your own hand with a paring knife and getting to live, you chop it off and then still slowly get your head crushed between two beams being screwed closer and closer together. She kills Kerry for fuckall reason except she wants to (Kerry is a detective who did jack shit wrong—she was just on the case. It’s utter bullshit). Kidnaps her, straps a thing with hooks in her ribs that will tear out her rib cage when a timer runs out, and kill her that way, and had her hung up above the ground tied by chains, and tells her if she burns her hand up in a bottle of acid to get the key at the bottom which is hard period in the suit—never mind losing the hand—she can live. And Kerry fucking does, ruins her hand, unlocks the lock, and the suit won’t come off becuase the cunt rigged it. Then Amanda shows up to watch her die for fun just to smile smugly at her and watch her fear. Because she’s a fucking soulless, sadistic, evil, self-centered, self-important asshole.

Obsessed dad let’s a fucking bystander whose only crime was seeing a hit and run and running off freeze to death stripped naked and sprayed with water in a freezer slowly, saves a judge who gave too weak a sentence to the hit and run kid after the man begs, and then lets the poor fucking college kid who did it and already feels awful get his arms twisted till they snap off, legs twisted till the same, and then his head twisted around back so far it twist snap kills him. The rack is fucking beyond inhumane death. Amanda monitors this while threading Lynn (the poor doctor lady) for fun and crying over poow wittwe John who is dying of cancer (thank you god for doing what we couldn’t), and being miserable. Eventually, Hoffman sends her a letter saying if she doesn’t kill Lynn, he’ll tell John that she was one of the people there to steal drugs the night his wife got injured and miscarried (he probably already knew 🙄), and becuase Amanda cares about nothing more than Amanda, she fucking monolgauges at John about how special and sad she is how he needs to fix her and she’s a murderer but she doesn’t care because you know—she’s depressed : ( so she gets a pass for her self she’s UwU sad so her poor little crisis can have a massive torture body count bc she’s that special UwU and why is Lynn not gonna die even though she did her job!??? So unfair! No one changes kill them all but tell me I’m special I’m symapthetic because I’m sad and that makes it fun for me to tear people’s ribs out :’( —and then she fucking shoots Lynn becuase she cares less about an innocent woman’s life than the potential for John to be mad at her :’-( you know—such symapthetic stuff! And then John is like “Ok then fkn die :’(“ and Jeff/unstable dad/Lynn’s husband runs in and shoots her and then kills John.

Anyway! I fucking hate Amanda with a passion, and John. I cannot stand humans who hurt each other for fun, especially when they target those who most need help. But above all I cannot abide a person who is a sadistic, selfish, wholly self-absorbed fuck of a human, and refuses to take any responsibility for their actions or admit how fucking bad they are and has the goddamn nerve to act like a victim. Like if you’re going to be an evil son of a bitch, at least have the decency to admit it. If you’re a self-pitying “im uwu special and sad and better and more important than everyone else” —double points for “& becuase I am attractive I can get away with being a soulless shit without any being held accountable” from fandom or the media itself, tripple if from both—? I will kill you myself. I will rip out your eyes and chew on them. I will kill my self on a bomb to take you too. I will chew off my left arm for the sole purpose of getting to beat you to death with it. The wiki writer bends over back so bad they’re gonna need a brace the rest of their life to make her sound sympthetic, but they’re just a fan. She’s not. At all. She doesn’t have Stockholm, and I see people say “she got manipulated and used : (“ all the time, but without fail so far it’s people who think she’s hot and just want a reason to stan that because somehow a hot white woman with short hair even if canonically infatuated with John Kramer is somehow both a lesbian, and excusable for every horrible torture murder she ever did to feel uwu special in her depressed sad times. She wasn’t manipualated. It happened fast, she wasn’t courted into it, and she didn’t even hesitate to say yes. He offered her an out, made sure she was serious, and she stayed. And then she escalated to the point John took her out to stop her, because it was worse than what he wanted to do. I enjoyed her as a villain but as a person I fucking hate Amanda, and don’t really want to see her get another chance. Bastard doesn’t deserve one. I can’t say there’s no continuum in which she could never improve or be redeemed becuase who the fuck knows, and I like to think there’s a smidgen of hope for anyone, but that said, I do think the more evil you willfully do, the more you lose your humanity, and you can hit a point there’s just no person left. So. Anyway, hah, I don’t think she’s redeemable and frankly don’t want her redeemed. I want to burn her to death myself if I have to die that way too. Also! This was a wildly angry answer but none of it is directed at you. That wiki writer does make her sound symapthetic, I’ve read the wiki too—just I go into a blind rage any time John or Amanda is even mentioned and it takes me a half hour to come back down. I fly into a rage. If I ever go into anaphylactic shock, all a friend has to do is start mentioning the names of Saw villains and my adrenaline will start pumping like jet fuel and I’ll be fine. I just have a whole lot of righteously just rage at horrible awful self-righteous self-absorbed malicious manipulative dehumanizing self-pity bastards who take 0 responsibility for their evil or admit it, and Amanda & John are two at the way top of that rage list. It’s a dark but powerful headspace when I think of them. I become very powerful...but also very enraged. Lol, anyway, here’s the breakdown you didn’t need, but it is throrough!

[itsjusta]

March 14, 2021

(dis so long i’m sowiiii)

I slept at 12 gabii doeee and it was an okay sleep lang. issa ion like it doe issa morning palang i’m overthinking na about thingsss and i hate it gyd doe when i have no control saako thoughts because i feel so weak doeee and pathetic also :(( i’m like an idiot who keeps on worrying about things na dapat di na gani nako gina think :((( i try so hard doe to block my thoughts but its hard for me gyd doe i’m so weak gyd at controlling my thoughts and it just bothers me doe like di ko mahimutang and my heart feels heavy and it makes me sad and cry :((( huhu issa times like these i question all my decisions doe and i wish i just have no feelings na doeee cos life is unfair gyd doe hahah

this weekend issa not a good one for me doe i just hope the next days will be better because ion like to be so overwhelmed with my overthinking and my worries doeee ion wanna cry doeee 😔 aish i feel so sad for myself why am i like dis uy

i distract myself by watching anime doe but when i stop watching pd issa mubalik napd doe and its making me cry hahah issa i felt better sa hapon doeee but i saw u had a story and i had a gut feeling naman nga kamo gyd nag uban sa overnight doeee so i just viewed it and i was righttt hahah u know, my hands were shaking doeee hahah and i just broke down afteeerrr

just let me rant here pleaseee 🥺 im too shy to talk to u about dis in chat and im shy to talk to others about dis doeee im just holding it all in and dis can help me let it out doeee dont react na pleaseee :( issa times like these i question my decision to stay in ur life doeee times like these ga question gyd ko ngano i choose to not let u go :( becos i see that you’re so happy and inlove doeee hahha im happy to see you so inlove doeee you’re so effort to ur gf now and im happy cos i think you love her just as much as you loved me sauna or even more doeee but at the same time it hurts man gyd doeee it hurts so much :((( everytime i see u inlove it makes me happy and sad gyd doeee but puhon2 seeing you will just make me happy doeee i will also get there! when i see u so happy and inlove it just breaks my heart cos i know i wont ever have a chance with u again doeee 🥺 i envy u so much doeee becos u really are building a great life after our break up pero i cant even move on paaa hahah but aishhh dis not a race doe i know i will also be happy soon. but i also know not getting to talk to you will also hurt me so at times like these, ga ask gyd kog strength nga makaya nako doe. i ask the Lord and myself for strength to endure pa moments like these becos getting to talk to u and seeing u sometimes makes all of the pain worth it doeee and having someone to talk u makes me feel better doe 🥺

i also ask for strength for the next months doe becos i promise i will let go of you na gyd dayon doe. when we begin 4th year (i hope f2f na doe), i promise i’ll let go of you na doe. but please be patient with me if dili tka ma let go diretsooo doeee 🥺🥺 i know it’s gonna hurt so much for the first weeks or months but i’m setting myself free na doe. i’m also setting you free na becos i feel like i’m just affecting you and your relationship. I want you to just give your all to one girl doeee but can i stay sa now just for a few months?? 🥺 and when 4th year comes, i’ll be out of your life na okay? not totally man u still my bff and i’m gonna go to u whenever i need something or if i need a friend hahha and u can still chat me when u need anything doeee and when u need help sa acads huuuh!! when that time comes i’m gonna endure everything doeee im gonna endure all the temptations to talk to u always and i will try my best to not paramdam to u doeee 🥺 sometimes nalang!! hehe bleh u cant get rid of me completely!! i want to still kamusta u and chika2 with u from time to time doeee if das okay 🥺 kabalo jd ko lisod au doeee but i know it will become bearable ra kadugayan. and i always tell u this but pls pls pls take care of urself always and be happy even i’m not in ur life naaa (i’m still here but u know what i mean) issa im also moving on for your happiness doeee so i hope that when i let u go, u will become happier okayyy u don’t have a samok na in ur life hahah u will be free na doee 🥺

but just let me be here for a few more months okaaaay 😔 i’ll let u go na dayon. u sulit da moments that i’m still here huh bleh in 4th year i will move on na and im going away na after college u wont see me na gyd hahah u know that if dili lang gyd lisod and sakit, i will be in ur life forever doeee but we both know its just hard doeee das why i’m just giving myself a few more months of kasakit hahah i’ll still be here man gyd always uyyy but its gonna be different na gyd hahha but aish u still take a grad pic with me and lets travel soon doeee and u go to my despidida okayy and visit me abroad!! let’s still do the plans we have okay!!!! 😡

i realized drama au ko nya what if makig cut off na diay ka even before 4th year pa 💀💀 hahahhaha and i hope i will fulfill dis promise doeee but i think its gonna happen gyd cos so lisod na to commu pag face to face na doe cos u will always be wid ur gf hahaha if not pata f2f naaah mag luya nalang ko doe walay kastorya kada adlaw HAHAHAH

i hope nothing will change after u read dis doeee huhu im kulbaan to post dis cos ion want things to change nooow 🥺 i wrote the paragraphs above when i was still emotional doe now that i’ve calmed down i have less courage to do my promise to let u go 🤣 omg but i’ll do that doeee!!! i’ll stay strong when that time comes and u also okaaay i know you’re strong u will be fine without me and i think if wala nako you will feel better doeee hehe u have a lot of people with u but u know that i’ll always be ur bff!!! ❤️

also dont worry about me doe i cried everything out kanina na and i drank my meds cos nag labad ako head doeee hehe i feel lighter now but i hope i wont cry again later when i sleep or tomorrow 🤦🏻‍♀️ i hope the next days are going to be better doeee heheh

i’m happy for you, okaaay?? and i’m super superrr proud of youuu for chasing your dreams and for having new friends and for being with the people u love 🥺 right now i cant say im happy gyd doe and i know u want me to be happy but its so hard now doeee that’s why im excited for the future!!! so please just continue to be happy doeee i know letting go of you will be the hardest thing for me to do and it may take me a long time but i will do my best doe 🥺 but bleh im still gonna samok2 u erday for the next months!!!! u not gonna get rid of me pa now!!

[theartoflivingalways]

i’ve been awake for over 24 hours

I haven’t been on tumblr in years. i stopped using it after high school, but I don’t know why. but now I’m back tonight, because I needed someone to talk to, but I have no one to listen. i have friends, i have family, i have a boyfriend. i have a therapist. but no matter what: i feel so unheard, so unseen, and so ignored by everyone in my life that i literally feel like i have no one to truly turn to. for anything. so, here i am. hope i get a warm welcome!!!

here’s the thing: i’m NOT a depressed person. i’m not sad, i don’t have any major mental health issues apart from anxiety and some adhd. and before you take that the wrong way, please don’t. i just got my master’s degree in social work and i’ll be starting my new job as a therapist in a couple of weeks.

but, i’m also NOT a happy person. tbh, i can’t really describe my overall ~mood~ or whatever you wanna call it. i kinda just wake up and survive the day, every day. i take it one day at a time ... kinda like what AA says to do; but no, before you ask or the thought crosses your mind, i’m not an addict. at least not a alcohol/other drugs addict ??? sorry

maybe this is why there’s no one to listen when i need them to. i fucking ramble about literally nothing before getting to the point. 

it’s weird that i’m writing right now (ok, typing???). i haven’t done this since i was little. it feels good to do this, to have some sort of outlet when you feel so fucking unseen and unheard by every. single. person. around you. 

so i haven’t slept in over 24 hours. it’s my own fault for sure and i have adderall to thank for that (yes i’m prescribed). i decided to start a blog again because i’m sitting here, still wide awake in my apartment, alone, while my boyfriend is sound asleep in my bedroom.

so what’s my fucking problem??? why do i want someone to talk to?? i don’t know honestly. i just feel like lately all i do is listen to others, help others, give myself completely to others. and in return, i get nothing. nothing even close to what i give, or to what i’m capable of giving. which is sad. not for me particularly (maybe?), but for others, yes, i think so. 

i’m not saying that i expect anything in return for helping others, because i don’t. i didn’t enter the field of social work for the fucking money. and i know a lot of fucked up shit is going on in the world right now, and in no way do i want to minimize ANY of that. i’m just feeling a little lost and lonely, so i’m hoping this is a new outlet for me to sort out those feelings.

the last couple of hours, i’ve had a LONG string of thoughts. if you read through, you’ll eventually found out how they started. but one of the things i’ve been wrestling with in my mind is the type of person i am. 

you see, it’s difficult to be “that” person for others your whole life, especially all the fucking time. if you’re anything like me, you know what i mean by that. and if you aren’t anything like me, well, first of all congrats!!!!, and secondly, i’ll explain what i mean.

when you’re “that” person for others, like myself, it’s easy for other people to walk all over you. take advantage of you, take you for granted, expect you to ALWAYS be there no matter the cost. and of course, why wouldn’t they? you’re always there to help. you’re ALWAYS there to offer support, guidance, and advice. you’re nurturing. you listen. you’re a fucking irreplaceable, loyal to death friend. if you’re VERY much like me, you’re also the one person in your family who isn’t a total fuck up (at least not publicly?)

you’re also nonjudgmental, and you were blessed with the curse of being empathic towards others at all times. empathy of course is beautiful and a very good thing to have in this life, but do you know how hard it is to feel for every single person around you.. and not have anyone feel for you???? damn

also, you never let anyone down!! ever. you’re reliable, dependable, trustworthy to the point where it’s almost sketchy because like??? who can be that way to everyone else at all times? you guessed it- people like me and people like u!! (if this is even semi-relatable, i’m sorry) 

but people like us, like you, like me, tend to do this thing where we keep the same shitty fucking toxic people around that have hurt us, continue to hurt us both indirectly and directly, and who have let us down time and time again, because we continue clinging on to the fucking useless hope that “someday they’ll change”. someday, they’ll realize how fucking important you are to them and how shitty their lives are, and would be, without you in it.

you- we - also live by honesty and truthfulness, and assume others just live by this as well. but then you’re proved wrong over and over and over again, yet you never fucking learn your lesson because you are STILL hopeful that somewhere, somehow, deep down, other people DO stand by the morals you try so hard to stand by in life. most of the time, though, you’re completely avoiding the reality of other people and their experiences and who they really are, only to try to fit your own narrative of how you see things and how you think things should be. 

if this sounds anything like you... i’m sorry. i know it all too well. 

i grew up as the “golden child” in my family. not just my immediate family. my entire fucking family. the pressure to be perfect has lead me to develop debilitating anxiety in my 20′s, and it is what it is, but like, why the fuck couldn’t i have anxiety in high school like a normal teenager? why now? 

so yeah my anxiety’s pretty bad. it’s pretty bad tonight, which is why i turned here. to tumblr. to try to write out my thoughts. which, by the way, i’m sorry, because this is an absolute fucking mess and makes no sense. if you are reading this, though, thank you. thank you for listening when no one else seems to.

anyway. growing up with the pressure of being *perfect* has a cost. at least for me it did: 1) anxiety of course, and 2) perfectionist tendencies. these have literally- LITERALLY - ruined my entire college and graduate school experience. perfectionism combined with anxiety is a recipe for fucking disaster, and i’ve been cooking it for years.

i am deliberately writing this without proper punctuation/grammer/whateverthefuckyouwanttocallit, not capitalizing my letters etc., because i want to not have to be so perfect all the time on here, if this is something i’m going to stick to.  i know that sounds silly but it’s actually been very difficult for me to write in all lower-caps and i’m very worried that no one will even read this and HEAR ME because of my literacy negligence (i have no idea if that’s even a real thing or if it even has meaning but it sounded right)

do u want to know why i decided to write this though, truly? what lead to me feeling like i’m “spiraling” - apart from no sleep in over 24 hours now? well, get ready to laugh, because i truly think i’m pathetic and going crazy.

i went to dinner tonight with my boyfriend and his fam. our waitress was a girl i used to know years ago in high school. my boyfriend knew her too. in fact, he knew her VeRY well. for the sake of my anxious overthinking, i don’t feel like going too much into the details of *that* situation, so thanks in advance for understanding.

anyway. this corny bitch made a joke about the current political environment. i won’t say what exactly, because i’d really like to keep my identity as concealed as absolutely possible on here. but long story short, no one really laughed - every one just kinda smiled awkwardly. but you know who did laugh? my boyfriend :) 

TO ME, it seemed intentional. she wasn’t fucking funny, for one. she made a bad - no, a very bad- joke. like one of those corny dad jokes. not even a dad joke actually. a step-dad joke, except your step-dad is a loser that you hate, who treats ur mom/dad bad, has no sense of humor or a horrible sense of humor and idk, just fucking sucks you know ???

sorry that got kinda dark and it was unnecessary but do u know what i mean??? and no, that was literally not relevant to me or my family system/structure in any way. just kinda came to me, ya know? ...writing works in mysterious ways man

alright so if you don’t agree, that’s fine. i already told you to get ready to laugh, because i am well aware of how insane i fucking sound. but you know what makes anxiety & perfectionism 100x harder to cope with? insecurities. and i’m FULL of them. 

so anyway. we left dinner. him & i were driving home. i will admit that i did have some wine at dinner, and i wasn’t drunk but i definitely was feeling cocky enough to stir the pot with him. so, i casually said, “hey... didn’t you date _____?” *insert annoying waitress’s name who i knew once upon a time*

i said it very calmly. very coooool. v collected and nice. he said “no? i’ve never even talked to or hungout with that girl”.

i wish u could see my face as i’m writing this right now bc i cannnot. like i gave u a choice.... the opportunity. tHE SIMPLE opportunity - a chance - to be fucking honest................................

this dude. straight up. lied to my face. about this fucking girl. ???????

YEARS AGO, they most certainly did talk. a lot. in fact, my crAZy ass searched their names on facebook to find their old little love notes to each other that they posted on each others’ walls. which were very cringey but nothing that made me feel jealous or insecure (for once). after all, they were from years ago- i’m talking 5+ - so likeeee.... why would he lie (: 

oh and they definitely did hang out because.... i remember clearly.... a PICTURE OF THE two of them *together* *hangin* (prob bangin too) (sorry) years ago in this now-waitress’s bedroom. i believe it was a ~webcam photo~ that they took on the new mac computer her parents prob bought her. so this photo is now NO WHERE to be found. and believe me, i looked. no, i LURKED. i went to the beginnnning of her instagram posts and deep into her uploaded facebook pictures. ok, not ‘deep’, i literally got to the first pic she ever posted on FB just to try to find this damn picture. and it took me for. fucking. ever. because this bitch has prolly posted a million pictures in the last 5+ years like who does that???

but i swear to fucking whatever the fuck that this picture exists. i have fucking seen it. i’d describe it in perfect detail right now as if i saw it today, but, once again, i’m concealin my identity, yo, so i can’t do all that. v sorry

anywho. this dude - who i call my boyfriend (and yes i love him very very much and our past is absolutely fucked but that’s a whole other story for a very different time) - had the nerve, the audacity, to tell me to my face, that he “definitely doesn’t have a picture with her” because “they’ve never hung out or talked before” ... ?!??????

obv i sent him screenshots of the dirt i dug up on facebook from 5+ years ago (i.e., the old posts between them in case ya forgot during my rambling) bc like, caught ya in a lie sir. red handed.

i might be late on mentioning this part, but here’s the fucking kicker (and i’ve never used that phrase and i don’t know why i said that but ok?): TODAY, for the first time in MONTHS, literally!!!, bc of the virus and the quarantine and all that, i got ready today for dinner with his family. like actually got ready. i spent HOURS doing my make up. i don’t even remember the last time i did my make up, ok. i dressed in a really cute outfit. i felt fucking very good about myself. i thought for sure when he’d come pick me up to go to dinner he’d at least say something. at least acknowledge it. he has literally only seen me in raw form for too many days now. like, complete bare face and sweat pants basically every day since march.

but. did he even look at me twice?!!? no. did he mention anything about how i looked? how it was drastically different from my everyday attire the last couple months? did he take 2 seconds out of his day to say something corny or flirty to me? even just, “you look beautiful”??? honestly i would’ve even appreciated, “you look beautiful, for once” ???

did u guess the correct answer? well if u didn’t, it’s N O.

but u know who he did look at twice.

our waitress at dinner.

(: 

i think i wrote enough for one night. if u think this is my anxiety/perfectionism/insecurities combination spiraling out of control after being tamed incessantly for 20+ years, PLZ TELL ME.

but also, if you have a fucking brain, you’d know that:

1) this is definitely NOT the first time i’ve responded to something like this the way i did, and 

2) i really just needed to ramble on and vent about all the shit that’s been going through my mind the last 2 1/2 hours, so there’s that.

have a good night get some sleep!!! thank u for ur time. 

[theentiregdtime]

Are you taking prompts beacuse I would love to read about Dennis getting angsty and jelous beacuse Mac is on a date or something(bonus points if he talks to Dee about it, I live for some good ol sibling-bonding) ur writing is wonderful btw💕💕

Mac has a date tonight.

He has a date and Dennis is absolutely livid.

Not that he’s mad about the date itself- no, no, he’s madbecause Mac has been lying to him for the entirety of the past three days.

“Who are you texting?” Dennis had asked him as he typedaway furiously on his phone, completely ignoring the McTiernan film they werewatching. Mac said it was Charlie, but that was suspicious- he was sending fartoo many words for Charlie to read; they almost exclusively communicatedthrough pictures and one-liners. He let it go and ground his teeth, listeningto the maddening sound of Mac’s thumbs tap-tap-tapping against the screen forthe rest of the movie.

The next day, Dennis suggested they try that new Thai place by their apartment for their monthly dinner, and that they should makereservations in advance. He knew Mac didn’t always like to try new restaurants,considering the dinner a holy ritual and not wanting to risk its sanctity, butDennis was floored when he flat-out said he couldn’t come. He’d used thatcautious, sing-song tone, too- and avoided eye contact as he told him he had togo see his mom that night. “It’s the same night every month, Mac, can you notvisit the woman another time? I mean, she doesn’t even like you!” Mac insistedon rescheduling anyways.

And today… today was the apex of it all. Today was thefucking crescendo to the three-day shit symphony. Mac had left his phone in theback office- unattended, for once- and Dennis definitely wasn’t snooping,because he doesn’t care about what Mac gets up to in his spare time. He was simply searching the desk for a marker to prove a point to Charlie about facial symmetry when a text lit up the screen…and it just so happened to catch his eye. It was from someone named Drew with ablack heart next to her name saying their reservation was moved to 7. It allhit Dennis at once- Mac texting nonstop, cancelling their plans, insisting ontaking the night off early- he had a date. He stood up their monthly dinner,their most sacred of traditions, for a goddamn date. He’d slipped out sometime around five-thirty, without somuch as a goodbye, leaving the rest of them to tackle the evening rush understaffed.

Granted, the evening rush consists of about six downtroddenchain smokers and an older couple that frequents to sleep in the booths, butstill!

Dennis leans onto the bar and takes a swig of his beer. Hesnarls in the back of his throat, half because he’s fuming at Mac and halfbecause his drink has gone sickeningly warm.

“Dude, you gotta stop that,” Charlie whines as he cleans chewedgum from underneath the counter, stowing the remnants in his pocket for somereason, “you sound like a dying cat.”

Before he can defend himself, Dee resurfaces with a tray ofempty glasses. She has a couple of crumpled bills sticking out of her pocket,which she uses like seed money, to make it seem as if she’s tippable. It’spathetic.

“Aww,” she teases with a childish sneer on her face, “didsomeone get stood up for their little dinner date?”

Dennis lets a long, exasperated sigh through clenched teeth.“Fuck off, Dee.”

“Whoa,” she replies, still laughing, with mockingly wideeyes. “Someone’s jealous.”

Charlie cuts in. “If you’re, like, lonely or something,Frank and I could come over and watch-”

“No, goddamn it!” Dennis shrieks and throws his hands in theair. “I am not jealous, all right? I do not care with whom Macchooses to consort in his spare time! As a matter of fact, I’m happy to havethe apartment to myself for once. It’s the charades I can’t stand. Theguy comes out of the closet every third Tuesday and goes right back in, gallivantingabout with women like he’s James fucking Bond! I don’t know about you, but Ifor one, am sick and tired of it.”

“Well, maybe it’s not-”

“Why do you care?” Dee talks over Charlie. “If he’shappy straight pride paradin’ around, then I say let him do it.”

“Because it is goddamn ridiculous, Dee!” Dennis counters.He’s been dealing with this for the past twenty years and he’s about reachedhis limit- the bullshit meter is almost to the top of his head- and he has morethan earned the right to be annoyed. “He brings loose women home, flaunts themaround in front of me like I’m to be impressed by his romantic prowess,pretends to enjoy making love to them, and for what? Because he can’t commit tobeing gay? Because a nonexistent god will send lightning down upon him to smitehim? It is absolutely absurd!”

Charlie and Dee share a look, and Dennis doesn’t know what itmeans, but he does know that he wants to hit them both across the facewith one good, honest backhand slap.

“So crash the date! Steal his girl! Ya’ know, cuck him!”Frank, suddenly at the bar and hoisting himself onto a stool, says much tooloudly. Luckily, their weeknight crowd is too busy drowning themselves in theirown sorrows to take notice. “Deandra keeps track of us on her pager.”

“I do not-”

“You stalk our locations, Dee, really?” Dennis questions. “Nowthat is just pathetic.”

“How… How do you do that?” Charlie wonders, starting to patat the back of his neck. “Like, with a chip or…?”

“No, see, what Frank is implying,” he explains, “is thatSweet Dee here watches us on her phone, everywhere we go, so she can livevicariously through us and make believe she has a personal life while she watchesLifetime movies and eats a family-size cheesecake by her lonesome. It’s justsad.”

“Hey, don’t take this out on me, bitch, I’m not the one whostood you up!” Dee yelps in a voice like an irate chihuahua. “Besides, Charlie,I can never see you, anyways.”

“He keeps his phone at home,” Frank says, chewing an oliveopen-mouthed like a horse, “in a bag of rice.”

“Well, maybe if you stopped taking it to the sewers, itwouldn’t get wet,” she suggests.

“Wet? I’m trying to keep it safe! If- If my apartmentgets robbed, they’re not gonna steal a bag of jambalaya!”

“You- You keep it in cooked rice?”

“Would you all shut up?!” Dennis shouts and slams his handsdown on the counter, rattling the empty glasses. He is at his wit’s end, and ifhe has to listen to this conversation a minute longer, his migraine is going topop his eyeballs out of his head. When he speaks again, his voice is level. “Fine.Let’s do it.”

Dee raises an eyebrow. “You want to crash Mac’s date?”

“Yes. Not because I care,” he clarifies, “but becauseI can’t play this game with him anymore. I am going to put a stop to this onceand for all.” Finishing off the last of his beer, he jams a finger in Frank andCharlie’s direction. “You two: no inventions, no possums, no dinner theatre-nothing except bartending and breathing.”

Charlie raises a hand. “What about-”

“No glue-eating contests, either, buddy.”

He puts his arm down with a pout.

“Let’s go, Dee. You’re driving.”

She scoffs in offense. “What? Why am I driving? Whyam I even going?”

“Well, what if they move around? You’re the stalker, I needyou on my team.” Dennis flits a hand around the room, out over their dominionof drunken singles and slumbering elderly. “It’s not as if you’re making tips.”

Besides, he knows she enjoys crap like this. She can pretendshe doesn’t care about the rest of them all she wants, claim she simply wantsto be left alone, but Dennis knows her better than anyone and he knows she likesto be included. He knows she lives for drama.

As expected, she resigns herself with a “fine” and followshim out of the pub.

—–

“Dee, truly, and I mean this from the bottom of my heart…Your music is the goddamn worst.”

They have listened to three Hole songs in a row, all ofwhich are essentially the same song, about scorning men and rejectingthe norms of society- none of which Dee, who bases her self-worth upon ratingsand the male gaze, can relate to in any way. Besides, the guitar sounds likeit’s in a fish tank.

Dennis would have driven himself, but unfortunately, heneeds Dee as his accomplice tonight. 

Plus, it’s good that he doesn’t have to dothis alone. It’s good to have the company… not that he’ll ever say that aloud.

“I’m doing you a favor, you boner,” she replies, but there’sno malice in it. In fact, she kind of sounds like she’s enjoying herself.

Again, Dee is fond of a good revenge plot. What else wouldshe be doing right now, if not for this, anyhow? Impressions of celebrities fortips? A reality TV marathon in her bathrobe? This has to be the height of hersad, lonely, joyless night.

She’s very skilled at the whole vengeance thing, too.Sometimes her schemes shock even Dennis. It’s always been that way, ever sincethey were children. Dee would whip out a notebook and map out a meticulously-plottedrevenge plan while Dennis simply went along for the ride (and chickened out,half of the time, because he didn’t want to upset their mother or get into trouble). That’s something else he won’t tell her out loud, that he’simpressed with- and often disgusted by- her work.

“Well, are we almost there?” he complains, tapping hisfingernail against the door to the growling music and watching pedestriansthrough the window.

Dee glances at her phone. “Chill out, it’s after the nextlight.”

Wait…

Dennis raises his head, casting a suspicious glanceto the GPS, then back to the road in front of them.

“No…” he mutters to himself.

Sure enough, it is.

When they make the turn and pull up outside of therestaurant, it’s the fucking Thai place Dennis told Mac about just yesterday.He stole the idea from him! He’s having dinner, on their night, at a newrestaurant he was fully aware Dennis wanted to try, with some randomfloosy. Dennis should be the floosy! He should be drinking SangSom and eatingcoconut shrimp! He should be there, because it’s their goddamn monthlydinner, it is their night, and Mac wouldn’t have even known this place existedif not for him!

Oh, he is so furious, he could just scratch him…

“That impertinent son of a bitch!”

“Yeah, I kinda thought they’d be at, like, Taco Bell-”

“It’s not that!”

Dennis takes a moment, sighing through pursed lips, steadyinghis rage, then turns to face his sister.

“We were supposed to have dinner here! This wassupposed to be our reservation! Then this Drew woman comes along-”

“Wait, Drew-”

“And soils the entire thing! Our whole rhythm is broken. Wewon’t be able to have a proper dinner for months now, the vibe is all wrong.”

Dee scrunches her face up at him, like she does when he’snot making any sense, but he is making sense, he’s making more sensethan he’s ever made!

“Couldn’t you just do your little bros night out tomorrow?Or the next day?” 

Dennis rolls his eyes. What a ludicrous question.

“It’s not about the schedule, Dee,” he says, waving hishands around wildly, “it’s about the mood. Our dynamic is going to be off untilat least November.”

There’s a moment of silence between them, no sound in thecar but the radio blaring angry chick music.

“So… what if they go on another date?” Dee eventually asks.She looks like she knows she shouldn’t, even before the words leave her mouth.“Like, what if this is a relationship thing?”

Relationship, that’s so ridiculous. This is all alittle scheme to tick Dennis off or get revenge on him for something he’salready forgotten doing, and it’ll be over by the end of the week. He doesn’twish to wait that long, though, so he’s simply ending it tonight. Besides, heshould be the one seeking retribution. He’s the one who was robbed ofhis periodic dining experience.

“This is all a little song-and-dance for Mac to prove onceagain that he’s heterosexual, or perhaps it’s a plot against me, but what it’scertainly not is a relationship.”

Dee’s eyes drift to the crowded restaurant behind him for a beat, then settle on his face, not quite looking directly at him.

“Then why is he here without you, Dennis?”

Because…

Well, perhaps he didn’t expect Dennis to show up duringdinner, but afterwards, he would have surely brought his “date” back to theapartment and made grand theatrics of it.

“Damn it, Dee, I will get to the bottom of this if it takesall night.”

Dennis unbuckles his seatbelt and throws open his door,stomping out onto the sidewalk.

“Yeah, I’m leaving you in an hour, cockmunch.”

—–

Getting past the hostess is easy enough. Dee nearly attemptsto disguise herself as an employee, but that is an awful idea and an absolutewaste of time, so Dennis simply puts on the charm and insists they’re meetingsome business associates. He keeps his head up high and waltzes pastthe booth into the restaurant before the woman can stop him. It’s all about theconfidence. If you look like you know what you’re doing and where you’resupposed to be, no one is sure enough or cares enough about their job to callyou on it.

He keeps a hand on Dee’s shoulder to guide her around beforeshe ends up donning a fake mustache and sneaking in as a waiter. They have toappear as if they know where they’re going, as if they’re with one of thesegroups, so they can’t wander around too much.

Mac will likely be in a booth. Dennis himself preferstables, and always insists they get one (sketchy diners at two in the morningexcluded), but Mac likes booths because he enjoys kicking his feet up andlounging around like he’s on the damned sofa at home. He is a classless savage.

The place isn’t too big, but it’s crowded- it takes them allof six minutes to track Mac down.

And when they do…

“Oh.”

That’s all Dennis can say.

He softens all at once and his shoulders drop, handsstilling at his sides. All of the fight in him goes limp.

Mac…

Mac is on a date.

With a guy.

“Dennis…” Dee says cautiously, reaching out to place a hand onhis back. She’s tentative with him, not like she’s afraid of him or thinks he’llhave an outburst, but like she’s sure if she talks too loudly or touches himtoo solidly, he’ll shatter like breakaway glass. It’s as if she thinks he’s fragile.“I’m sorry.”

Dennis’ unblinking eyes don’t leave Mac’s table. He can’tlook away from the anxious tension in Mac’s shoulders, the playful grin onhis lips, the way his face lights up when he laughs, the way he inches his handacross the table, the way his foot bounces excitedly against the floor…

It’s like watching a horror movie play out in front of him,but instead of a topless woman getting axed in the spine, he’s powerless tostop Mac from falling victim to happiness.

“For what?” he mumbles softly. He’s not sure the words comeout at all.

“I’m sorry that it’s real.”

Real… Please.

He hardly knows this guy. Sure, they’ve been texting backand forth for a couple of days, but that’s nothing compared to twenty years.It’s nothing deserving of standing Dennis up.

It sinks in that Mac cancelled on him for an actual date,and somehow that’s worse than if he’d paid a sex worker to spend the eveningwith him. It feels like a Shakespearean betrayal and stupid Drewbreaking a spring roll in half and passing Mac the rest is the blade against Dennis’ throat.

He tries feeling nothing and it doesn’t work. He triesrage and it doesn’t quite fit, either. He settles on jealousy and it’s like a glove.

A newfound wave of determination washes over him as heremembers himself and turns to Dee.

“I can still ruin this,” he decides, knowing he can still seduceMac’s date if he has to. Oh, no one has any idea how far he’ll go for revenge.

Dee takes a good, long look at the two of them laughingabout something on a chili sauce bottle like they’ve known each other foryears.

“Okay, but… why?”

Dennis tries to find a reason, but they’re all gone now.Everything he preached earlier on how this was about denial and cowardice andstagecraft… It’s all off the table. He racks his brain for a reason why thisburns at him so hotly, why he still wants to crash this, why he still wants todestroy it for Mac right in front of him, and settles on the inconvenience ofit.

“Because it’s going to be even worse. Mac pretending tosleep with a woman for a couple of nights is one thing, but having arelationship? Bringing a date back to our apartment? Letting him use ourshower? Having to hear about this man, day and night? I will not be a part ofthat, Dee.”

“So, just to clarify, Mac is never allowed to have arelationship as long as he lives with you?”

Dennis nods. “That’s the idea.”

“Sure, that’s fine, that’s healthy. That’s a perfectlynormal way for a grown man to think. Nothing weird about that at all.”

“Just shut up and follow me.”

He starts off towards the table before Dee can protest.Thankfully, she falls into step behind him instead of making a scene andblowing the entire thing.

By the time Mac’s date has noticed him, Dennis is faking awide, friendly grin that he’s certain looks charming, and not at alllike an enraged chimp suppressing its rage.

“What a coincidence!” he exclaims, struggling to maintain hishoney-sweet cadence.

Mac jumps at the sound of his voice as if it were arattlesnake’s hiss. His fight or flight response seems to activate before heeven looks at Dennis- muscles tensing, hands squirming, eyes going wide, breathcatching. When he cranes his neck to meet Dennis’ gaze, he’s making a face likehe’s been caught stealing.

It’s fitting, he supposes. He did steal something. Hestole the pleasure of their monthly dinner right out from under Dennis, stolethe music and the dark liquor and the conversation and the rice noodles andoffered it all up to somebody else, to some absolute stranger. He shouldbe mortified.

“I…” is all that escapes his dumb, floundering mouth.

Dennis takes the liberty of explaining for Drew’s sake.

“My sister and I just happened to be having dinner with somefriends,” -he gestures to no table in particular- “and who do we see?” Claspinghis hands together, he turns to Mac with less of a smile than a warning snarl.“Won’t you introduce us, Mac?’

“This is…” -Mac clears his throat, eyes darting between thethree of them, looking for a way out but finding none- “my date.”

“Drew,”’ the man says, clearly confused but holding out hishand regardless.

Dennis takes it and squeezes tight as he shakes, really putshis shoulder into it. A handshake says a lot about a man, a lot about histrustworthiness and virility and how much power he can generate, and Dennis hassomething to prove.

He doesn’t see what all the fuss has been about, these past fewdays. The guy is nothing to text home about. Sure, he’s passable, perhaps evenconventionally attractive, but his smile is too gummy, his jawline is toodefined, his toned arms are all deltoid and no bicep, and what is he wearing? Acheckered shirt? In a Thai restaurant? Any self-respecting man would know thepatterns clash.

“Dennis Reynolds. I own the bar Mac works at, which surely,he’s told you much about.” He rests a hand on Mac’s shoulder, who startles athis touch. “I also own our apartment. And our bank account. And our car. But…”-he chuckles, humorless, and it immediately fades into a straight stare-“mostly the bar.”

“He’s my… roommate,” Mac mumbles sheepishly.

Drew squints at him for a second, then pointsin Dee’s direction. “And you are?”

“Hungry,” she jokes, snorting in laughter at herself,and Dennis boils a little inside. Before he can say anything else, her talonsare in his arm, spinning him in the opposite direction. “We should be gettingback to our meal. You guys enjoy your date, or whatever people say.”

Dennis tries to stand his ground, but Dee’s fingernails inhis flesh are so painful that it takes all of his strength to keep from screaming.She drags him into an empty booth before he can stop her.

“What the hell?” he whispers through gritted teeth. “Whatare you doing, Dee?’

“You’re being a real dick wart, Dennis,” she chastises him.“Look, I know you want to throw your little trust fund fuckboy alpha maletantrum, but you’re freaking Mac out. I mean, look at him.”

Dee gestures towards Mac, who is still watching them acrossthe restaurant, eyes like a deer in the headlights, as his date talks to theside of his head.

“Besides, I thought you were gonna do the cucking thing. Youwere acting like Mac’s husband or some shit.”

“I was not,” Dennis insists and cups his handstogether. “I told no lies. I was simply emasculating Mac in front of his date.I mean, who wants to have dinner with a man who can’t drive himself or controlhis own finances?’

Dee narrows her eyes and rolls her teeth over her lip,analyzing him like she’s not sure he’s serious.

“Um, you?”

“Wh-” He scoffs in disbelief. How incredulous of her, thoseare two completely different types of dinners. “I am not-”

Before he can say something for himself, a waitress is atthe end of their table. She looks perplexed, presumably wondering why theyhaven’t been served yet, but retains the smile on her face.

“Do you guys need anything to drink, or…?”

“Can you not see that we’re having a conversation?!” Dennissnaps.

“Yeah, bitch, we’ll get drinks when we’re good and ready!”Dee backs him up.

The waitress rolls her eyes and walks away.

“I mean, it’s fucking rude.”

“Completely unacceptable.”

“She saw us talkingand she just waltzed right up like she was part of it!”

“I’m sorry, Dee, I had no idea the service here was soterrible.”

Dee frowns and glances at the kitchen door the womandisappeared behind.

“I kinda do want a drink, though,” she says.

“Yeah, I’m pretty thirsty…”

It’s quiet for a minute. There are forks scraping and platesclattering and incessant, mindless chatter all around them, but it’s quiet attheir table. Dee picks at the finishing on the glass with her fingernail,peeling it off. Dennis watches the pieces flick onto the floor and wonders whathe’s going to do if this is a long-term situation, if he has to live inproximity to this weak-handshaked stranger all the time, has to tolerate himday in and day out. The thought of having someone digging through he and Mac’sfridge, using their bathroom, taking up space on their couch… it’s annoying.

The thought of that person sharing a bed with Mac, eatingout of the same bowl of popcorn as him, wrapping a hand thoughtlessly aroundhis waist in the kitchen while he makes coffee, kissing him on the cheek asthey cuddle under a blanket…

Annoying isn’t the right word for the way those things feel.They don’t sting at his nerves and tense his muscles like annoying things do.Instead, the mental image sits at the pit of Dennis’ stomach with everythingelse he’s buried over the course of his life. It’s a different animal entirely.It’s…

He doesn’t know why, but it feels like losing a sure handhe’s bet all his chips on.

“You want me to take you home?”

Dennis observes Mac, who still looks nervous, but has fallenback into the swing of his conversation.

“No,” he mumbles.

Dee lets out a short, resigned sigh.

“You want to be fuck up his date?” she offers.

Drew (stupid name for a guy, by the way, just commit to thefull Andrew) rests a hand on Mac’s arm and Dennis’ stomach collapses intoitself like a house of cards.

“Thought you were doing the high road thing,” he answers, “youknow, like a superior bitch.”

She huffs through her nose like a bull, but the loud, enragedresponse never comes. Instead, her voice is gentle, as if breathing on ahair trigger.

“I didn’t realize what this was about,” she says.

Dennis raises and eyebrow and turns back to her, slowlytrying to process what the hell she’s referring to. He can’t figure it out, andhe can’t think of a way to twist it into an insult, either, so he just stares.

“Don’t look at me like that, you skid mark,” Dee spits,sounding a little more like herself. “I’m not having this fight with you again.Look, here’s what you do…”

—–

Ding ding ding ding!

Dennis taps a knife against a wine glass, both of which he’sswiped from an unobservant old couple, and the tinny sound echoes through therestaurant until everyone in the room falls silent.

Mac is looking at him like he’s got a bomb strapped to hischest. The fear and embarrassment in his eyes is almost humiliating enough torectify this entire situation- almost, but not enough.

He clears his throat.

“Ladies and gentlemen, I’m standing here tonight because… Imade a mistake. And I want to fix it.”

Dennis smiles at Mac, who gawks nervously at him. He putsthe sweetest, sappiest, cheesiest look on his face that he can muster, justknowing everyone in the room is going to fall for it immediately. He’s got a knackfor manipulating people.

“Mac, baby…”

Mac’s eyebrows shoot up into his hair.

“I know I told you I wanted to see other people, but… I’verealized something, in the last three days. I only want to see you- forthe rest of my life.”

He earns a couple of aww’s and affectionate hums fromthe restaurant patrons. Stupid, stupid, stupid people. They don’t even know himand they’re already convinced he’s in love with Mac. He’s a much better actorthan Dee is, and he would shove that in her face, if she hadn’t been the one tocome up with this plan.

“Look, I know I messed up, but… I’m not afraid anymore, Mac.I know how I feel. And I know you came here with Chad, and I know what you’regonna say, and I know I don’t have a ring…”

Mac’s got his face in his hand, and Drew looks absolutely appalled.No matter what he answers, no matter how this plays out, this date isdefinitely destroyed.

“But I’d marry you with this.”

Dennis snatches a ring-shaped onion slice from a woman’s salad,and she simply sits there and lets him, because she’s that enthralledwith his speech. He makes sure to grind it good and hard between his fingersbefore setting it back down- he’s going to need that.

“Because none of that matters.” He pretends to take amoment, burying his face in his hand and digging his oniony fingers into hiseyes. When he feels them start to tingle, feels a tear drip down his cheek, helowers his hand and sniffles. “What matters is you, man.”

A few more aww’s are whispered, and Dennis feelsquite pleased with his exceptional performance.

“Jesus Christ, Dennis.” Mac turns back to his dateand reaches out for him. “This isn’t-”

“No, you know what? Go ahead.” Drew scoots his chair backand stands to his feet, tossing the napkin from his lap onto the table. “I sawthe way you two looked at each other.”

Clearly, that statement has no basis in fact, but it worksto Dennis’ advantage, so he’ll take it. Before Mac can even stammer out a syllable, his date has abscondedand stormed out of the restaurant.

“Dennis-”

“Mac, listen…”

Dennis crouches down in front of him and takes his hands,all of the tears in his voice gone as he whispers to him.

“They’re going to give us free dessert.”

Mac stops glaring daggers at him, and the tension in hismuscles relaxes. His hands go limp under Dennis’ as he scans him over,observing the streaks of foundation he no doubt has on his cheeks.

“Fine, asshole,” he answers loudly enough for the entiredead-silent restaurant to hear.

A few scattered people begin slow clapping, unsure as towhether or not that’s a positive response. Dennis makes quick work of slickinghis thumb across his eyes and eliciting a few more crocodile tears.

“He said yes!”

The restaurant erupts in applause as Mac shoots him a deathstare so hard he might pop a blood vessel.

—–

“There’s too much coconut.”

“That’s the entire purpose of the cake, Mac. Do you claimthere’s too much chocolate in a brownie, as well?”

“I’m just saying, it’s like suntan lotion.”

Mac swallows and sets his fork down, gaze focused on thetable. He leans onto it and rests his chin in his hand.

Before Dennis can suggest they get a tub of ice cream fromthe store instead, Mac mumbles into his palm.

“I know you’re uncomfortable.”

Dennis is thrown off guard by that.

“Well, I suppose the chair could use a cushion, but otherthan that-”

“No,” he grumbles. “About the date.”

Dennis? Uncomfortable? Over something so banal as Mac datinga guy? To accuse him of that, when he has always been perfectlytolerant, and Mac has been the one pointing fingers and throwing stonesin glass houses and proclaiming his condemnation of gay relationships from the steeples-it’s downright rude.

“I am not-”

“I can tell, dude!” Mac yells, finally sitting up andlooking Dennis in the eyes like a man. “You were uncomfortable earlier and you’reuncomfortable right now.”

Right now? He is merely trying to eat his free pandan cakein peace!

“Mac, I’ve always known you’re-”

“I’m not- I was just- I was trying something outand…” He gives up on whatever moronic protest he was going to attempt and,instead, lets his head fall face-first onto the table. A childish groan bubblesup from his throat. “Why did you follow me here?”

Dennis lets out a long breath and prepares himselfto say what he’s about to say.

“Look, Mac…”

Mac’s still got his head down, but he’s adjusted hisposition to gaze up at Dennis. This would actually probably be easier if heweren’t, though.

“When you cancelled our monthly dinner, I felt like Iwasn’t-”

“Are you done yet?”

Dee’s standing at the end of their table expectantly, tappingher foot and slugging down the last of a beer. “You better be in the car in thenext five minutes or you two shit socks are walking home.”

He glances to Mac and mumbles, “She smells like asock…”

For a second, Mac smiles and snort-laughs, until heremembers he’s supposed to be upset and his face falls again.

Dee’s freakishly strong hands slam the empty bottle down,with enough pressure to put a crack in the tabletop. “You know what? Fine. I’mleaving. You two deserve each other.”

Before she gets even five steps away, Mac shouts after her.

“Yeah, go listen to your stupid music in your dumb car!”

Dennis chuckles under his breath. “Her music isstupid.”

He reminds himself to thank her later, nonetheless. She canbe a half-decent sister on occasion. Sure, he owes her an apartment cleaning inexchange for the engagement idea, but still- nice of her to accompany himtonight.

“Sorry, Dennis, what were you gonna say?”

When you cancelled our monthly dinner, I felt like Iwasn’t as important to you as your date. I felt like you threw away years oftradition for some fool you barely knew. You’ve been on your phone all the timeand movies aren’t as fun without your commentary. You’re my best friend and Ihad to share you and it really sucked. And we don’t have to talk about the gaything if you don’t want to, but if you do, we’ll go get some ice cream and we’lltalk about it.

Dennis chooses to shorten it.

“You want to go get ice cream?”

Mac shrugs and agrees to the idea, on the condition thatthere’s no coconut involved.

The walk home isn’t too long, even with the trip to theconvenience store. They don’t talk much, but it isn’t uncomfortable. Sure, theycan chat for hours if left to their own devices, but when it’s just the two ofthem… it’s perfectly comfortable to say nothing, too.

Mac wraps his coat around Dennis’ shoulders when it getscold.  He buries his hands in thepockets, where an energy bar rustles around in there. He knew Mac would never reallytake a chance on a new restaurant- the guy likes to play it safe.

He reminds himself that this is all for the best, for Mac.He needs Dennis. He relies on him for guidance and money andtransportation (present situation excluded) and basically everything in hislife. It’s good that he didn’t end up putting that pressure on somebody else.It’s good that nobody else is going to watch TV on their couch and eat straightout of their ice cream tub and dangle their legs over Mac’s lap. That wouldhave been annoying.

Yeah, Dennis reassures himself as he watches Maccarry the grocery bags and makes himself comfortable in his jacket, Macneeds him.